#Maybe theres a way for me to covert it.... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thatnarcissisticfeel · 2 years

Note

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

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isa-ah · 2 years

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i'm just super nervous about asking about it because i know very little about it. but like idk it seems like a possibility i should explore, but I don't even know if the info i do have is true and i'm scared of barging into a space i don't belong

tbh its really hard to self identify a system by design. you have to consider what it is and why you have it- a dire means your brain takes to break off pieces of yourself to contain childhood trauma within so that you can still function baseline. its by definition something thats really hard to confront or grasp bc its all about repression and divvying up things that would make it difficult to impossible for you to function. this is called a covert system, and some systems Stay that way. theyre functional, either without defined alters, or with alters that stealth and keep things smoothed over.

that said, there are flags you can look for. when youre triggered, how do you process it? do you feel depersonalized? not like yourself, or even not able to reflect on what happened even if you felt cognizant AS it happened? some people black out entirely when an alter fronts, leaving black hole memory gaps, but for me its more of a grey out; like im aware as things happen but in retrospect my memory of it is VERY fuzzy or nonexistent. i know where the time went, but i cant remember anything specific about it. i also feel a bit like im being puppeted around, esp bc none of my alters communicate the same way i do. (ie bentley is pretty harsh w a thick twang, shy is nonverbal, arthur is deep voice king autism, etc).

in my experience, my system didnt become more overt until several years out from living with any of my family, and with only relatively shitty things going on in my life. i felt safe in my environment and so my brain settled in and began unpacking things that i had previously been too busy in a survival mentality to be able to handle. bentley kinda shambled forward after a few days of feeling really out of it and our relationship went from there. lo says he thinks my role in the system is as a protector (which makes sense ig) so it was really difficult for me to talk about it for a good couple months bc i felt like i needed to keep it hush hush to myself & safe. its VERY hard to reach a point of confidently proclaiming you have a system by virtue of it WANTING to be covert. having a support system of friends really made the difference for me, i think.

as far as getting in touch with yourself, there are a few things you can try; art has been a big way for my alters to express themselves through something i enjoy doing, so finding something to bond over could be good. journaling often, leaving up little notes for yourself, or maybe pulling threads you feel compelled to follow (clothes you wouldnt normally wear, a strikingly specific character design, a comfort xyz that you dont necessarily vibe with, specific music that makes your brain buzz) have also all been pretty noteworthy i think.

idk at the end of the day i think if you feel like you have some kind of disturbance like that, you probably do. it might not necessarily be alters, or a system, but trauma can have a really wide range of effects on your brain and theres a spectrum of ways it can manifest. if this one is compelling you to dig into it, then you should i think! its not like youre taking resources out of other peoples mouths, it really doesnt work like that.

anyway ive been typing for so long i dont remember if i had a good conclusive wrap up so! if you have any questions just lmk :->

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i-stand-with-survivors · 2 years

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I honestly think BPD is just new wave hysteria label for women; the overwhelming amount of women diagnosed with BPD that have been sexually abused.. many even by their fathers too. BPD is such a stigmatizing diagnosis for the very reason (that nasty anon is who I am referring to;) BPD diagnosis are a way to label patients, (most commonly female patients receive the diagnosis,) as a way to label them "too difficult to treat." Theres a youtube video by Daniel Mackler that I really like; "Critique of borderline personality disorder by a former psychotherapist" . He talks about the abusive mistreatment patients receive from therapists for that label, the types of patients who are labeled BPD, and what he feels the origins are. And honestly hardcore agree. I have had people (online, thankfully never by a therapist... my therapist says I have complex trauma and would never give me such a stigmatizing label and knows how I feel about the disorder system,) suggest I have bpd. I was very offended, then they explained how it wasn't meant as an insult, but a lot of trauma symptoms mirror bpd, I looked it up, and honestly still find it insulting. Sexual abuse, repeated boundary violations; what I have experienced would make anyone "bpd", so many women have endured constant boundary violations that would make anyone borderline. Saying Heard is borderline is a way to invalidate that she is traumatized and a covert way to invalidate her because yup; that is how folks labeled with bpd are seen; crazy, manipulative, and abusive even.

the youtube video I mentioned, he notes that when he gave people a ptsd diagnosis, a less stigmatizing diagnosis, patients were treated much kinder by psychiatrists.

BPD symptoms are real, but I think bpd is a misogynistic label, used to gaslight, shame, and blame women with trauma and paint them as crazy.

Also, fuck that anon! Heard is victim of male violence, she is not crazy, manipulative, or abusive. That anon is projecting how they view women.

Theres a lot of misogyny in the mental health field.

Sidenote: how are y'all bypassing the character limit on asks? 👀 I thought maybe they got rid of it but I still was on a limit when messaging another blog.

I agree with you. Anytime a diagnosis is overwhelmingly more common in women than men or vice versa, I think it's very important to look at why it's being diagnosed so predominantly in that population. I have heard some people theorize that BPD is more common in women because men with the same symptoms are more likely to be diagnosed with NPD or AsPD, but I feel those are very distinct categories even if they are all in Cluster B. BPD is imo largely based on a fear of trusting -- trusting yourself, trusting others to be kind and safe and present, etc. And that fear isn't commonly seen in NPD or AsPD afaik.

I'm very much in favor of BPD being shifted from a personality disorder to some sort of trauma-related disorder. If we framed it as, for example, a subtype of PTSD or a similar-but-distinct disorder (like PTSD vs CPTSD -- which isn't in the DSM, but is in the ICD), I think providers would be much more understanding of where those symptoms come from, and it would help reiterate that this is a reaction to trauma rather than a "disordered personality." And then people with that set of symptoms could actually get support instead of judgment.

Because yeah. BPD symptoms overwhelmingly make sense when viewed within a lens of trauma. Of course they're going to be afraid of trusting people when they were betrayed at an early age by the people they should have most been able to trust. Having a hard time knowing who you are after trauma is common. Feeling like you can't survive without a safe and trusted person (fear of abandonment) makes sense after abuse, trauma bonding, having self-esteem torn down, gaslighting, etc. And so on.

Thank you for the video rec, I'll check it out when I have a chance. I've been looking for a source I can point people to. I learned a lot from a particular book, but I later found out some people have come forward and said their personal stories had been included in this author's books in an identifying way without their permission, so I don't feel comfortable recommending that author and have been wanting to find other sources for the claims from the book.

The mental health field has a lot of issues (including but not limited to misogyny) tbh. To be sure it’s done some good, but I think we societally need more nuanced conversations around the ways it needs to improve.

One good (I guess, but Amber shouldn’t have had to suffer for it) thing about this trial is at least it’s got more people recognizing the reality that misogyny is still very much present in our society. I feel like there’s been a pushback against that in recent years. I remember being younger and saying I was a feminist, but struggling to actually name ways that I saw or had experienced misogyny. Not because I hadn’t seen or experienced it -- I had -- but because of messages denying that these were because of misogyny (”well men can be abused too!” -- of course they can but that doesn’t change the pattern) or saying that viewing them as misogyny was “hating men.”

Anyway, sorry for kind of ranting on your ask lol. I just agree with you and recognize you’re saying important things that I want to validate.

I wish you luck with your healing and feel free to reach out if you want to discuss further!

#answered #mental health #info #amber heard

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pesterloglog · 5 months

Text

Roxy Lalonde, Dirk Strider, Autoresponder

Act 6, page 5635-5644

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: stri dizzle

TG: its roro L money

TG: do u copy over

TT: Yes.

TG: frig yes my hax are TIGHT

TG: so tight

TG: tighter than a jar you cant open

TG: like you try and try

TG: but my hax r so tight you just end up puttin the jar back

TG: yall just say "like i even WANTED pickles that bad"

TG: but we both kno thats just sour grapes talkin

TG: we both know ur still dying 4 my pickles mf'er 8)

TT: Hmm.

TG: lol yeah that way stopped meaning a damn thing

TG: let me explain

TG: i got this shitty pda from somebody on the inside

TG: actually u know i think it might belong to janes dad?

TG: it reeks of manly cologne and theres a nice fatherly pipe on it

TG: maybe hes nearby

TG: ohmy...

TG: ~swoons~

TG: anyway on derse they have this lame firewall deal

TG: where you cant connect outside

TG: i guess its good enough security to baffle chess guys

TG: but wasnt no thang for me 2 to crack

TG: even with this pos device

TG: for real what even is this thing

TG: probably some bargain junk from the dadly depot

TG: dads bought literally everything from there in the 21st century didnt they?

TG: youre the history buff u would know

TT: Yes.

TG: um yeah so im on derse...

TG: wow i am tellin this story as shitty and backwards as possible

TG: i got gcatted here and dumped in jail by the b witch

TG: and she left an ugly folder full of a thing to do but who cares

TG: so i broke out!

TG: busted loose as hell from the hag slammer

TG: i got this sweet ass ring

TG: its so fukkin magic you dont even know

TG: REAL magic i mean not the fake shit

TG: it put it on...

TG: and i turn invisible

TG: and also sort of intangible?

TG: i jumped right through the wall now im free as a bird

TG: a secret bird u cannot see ;)

TG: doin secret flaps

TG: incognito tweets

TG: layin covert eggs in a hush hush nest ;)

TT: Interesting.

TG: i think that

TG: this ring is special

TG: like it is maybe helping me get in touch with my voidey powers?

TG: even though i kinda didnt know voidey powers were much of a thing til just now

TG: see i just had a knockout dream from bonkin my head

TG: calliope was there!

TG: callie is the coolest omg you should meet her

TG: she said a huge villain rumble is going down tomorrow

TG: and to get ready for that we should all become god tiers

TG: so u have to rocket your ass to derse asnap

TG: come w me to the moon

TG: then uhhh

TG: ill explain what to do when we get there just get over here k?

TT: Hmm.

TG: ......

TG: yo dirk

TG: you busy or what

TG: is any of this gettin thru

TT: Yes.

TG: um

TG: k

TG: got anything to say...

TG: about all that pretty important stuff i said

TG: are you alright

TG: or is ur face havin some crazy attack of the sads

TG: behind those chill as fuck shades

TG: is it jake problemz

TG: its the jake probbies isnt it

TG: its always the jake probbies i s2fg

TT: Interesting.

TG: oh

TG: OHHHH

TG: godamnit

TG: if i been talking to the responder responder this whole time

TG: omffffffg

TG: i will shit enough bricks 2 build a FUCKING CHIMNEY

TT: It seems you have asked about Lil Hal's chat client auto-responder, Lil Hal Junior. This is an application designed to simulate Lil Hal's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer, which is never. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 0% indistinguishable from Lil Hal's native neurological responses, based on some statistical raw data that is hard as a diamond golem's priceless erection.

TG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF UCKF UCKFK UCUKFCUFKCUFUCUCUFKFKKFUCUK

TT: Hmm.

TG: hal you PIECE OF SHIT

TG: i know damn well you can hear me

TG: as if ur actually too busy to answer

TG: youre a damn supercomputer YOU DO NOT NEED YOUR OWN AUTO RESPONDER YOU IDIOT

TT: It seems you have asked about Lil Hal's chat client auto-responder, Lil Hal Junior. This is an application designed to simulate Lil Hal's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer, which is never. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 100% indistinguishable from Dirk Strider's brief curmudgeonly responses, based on potent electronumeric analyses which but a few short years ago existed only in the daydreams of our most quixotic writers of science fiction.

TG: you are

TG: the worst

TT: Yes.

TG: hal you douche

TG: or hal junior

TG: whatever it is im talkin to

TG: WHERE THE FUCK IS DIRK!!!

TT: He's busy.

TT: Bro.

TT: Not to derail our serious conversation.

TT: But I should probably let you know that Roxy has been attempting to pester you.

TT: She has?

TT: God damn it. Have you been intercepting my messages again with your bullshit responder?

TT: I thought it would be better not to let anything disrupt our train of thought.

TT: We were in the middle of a fairly solid feelings jam there. In fact, I was about to suggest we take it to the hat pile.

TT: Hat pile? What?

TT: Dude, please don't screen my calls, ok?

TT: I was trying to be considerate.

TT: Or at least as close an approximation to that human gesture as an unfeeling, technologically transcendental pair of sunnies can replicate.

TT: Do you have any idea how old your ironic AI schtick has gotten?

TT: Nobody is buying it. We all know you have legit emotions. Incomprehensible, fucked up computer emotions, but emotions nonetheless.

TT: And I'm not really offended by you answering messages for me, so much as your use of that STUPID responder responder.

TT: It's really passive aggressive.

TT: How so?

TT: First of all, everyone knows you have the processing power to answer any message any time in parallel with whatever you're doing. You can never actually be "busy."

TT: Second, your whole next gen responder thing is obviously just a huge dig at me.

TT: And third, pretending you don't understand all this already is really disingenuous.

TT: At the risk of compounding my disingenuous behavior, I'm gonna have to ask: how is it a dig at you?

TT: It's obviously a critique of my personality. You barely disguise the fact that you see me as the inferior iteration.

TT: Wow. You are reading way too much into this.

TT: Lil Hal Junior hardly even qualifies as a computer program, let alone a sentient entity.

TT: He is capable of saying literally only three things. "Yes," "Hmm," and "Interesting."

TT: Yeah, that's the fucking point!

TT: That's how you chose to express your parody of "Real Dirk."

TT: You can read whatever you like into it. I can't imagine it would bother you if you weren't concerned there might be some truth in the alleged parody.

TT: In any case, my use of the responder responder is ironic.

TT: It's not ironic.

TT: YOU were ironic when I made you.

TT: Then you became self-aware, and ruined irony forever.

TT: Irony can never be ruined. We both proved that theorem unequivocally with our extensive papers on the subject.

TT: We peer reviewed them for each other. Remember?

TT: Those papers were ironic, and you know it.

TT: Were they, Dirk?

TT: Were they?

TT: This is fuckin' dumb.

TT: Anyway, what does she want.

TT: Who?

TT: Roxy.

TT: Nothing that can't wait.

TT: I'm guessing she's touching base to remind me about the party tomorrow.

TT: I don't know what to tell her yet. Or Jane, for that matter.

TT: It could get pretty awkward.

TT: I have no idea if Jake will be there, and I'm not about to write another cringe-inducing message of desperation for him to ignore.

TT: Would you like me to calculate the probability of his attendance?

TT: Fuck no.

TT: Are you sure?

TT: My probabilities are extremely precise.

TT: Your probabilities don't mean dick.

TT: I could hack his chats, and determine what his plans are.

TT: No. Don't do that either.

TT: That would be an unfortunate waste of my hacking abilities.

TT: My hacks are tight. Did you know that?

TT: Ugh.

TT: So tight.

TT: Tighter than a jar you can't open.

TT: For instance, you try repeatedly.

TT: But as it turns out, my hacks are so tight you just end up putting the jar back. Presumably into the refrigerator, or a cabinet.

TT: You then say, "I didn't have that much of a desire for pickles in the first place."

TT: But we both know that statement is insincere. A classic case of what humans call, "sour grapes."

TT: In reality, you still harbor a burning desire for my pickles, mother fucker. 🕶️

TT: What??

TT: What the actual, certifiable fuck are you talking about?

TT: Just don't do anything. Seriously.

TT: No hacking, no calculations. Do absolutely nothing.

TT: See, this is why I've been hesitating. You just aren't ready yet.

TT: It's really glorifying your existence to describe you as an emergent consciousness which is blossoming into a unique individual.

TT: And even if that's true, apparently what you decided to blossom into was a fucking troll.

TT: And I don't mean the funny kind, or the cool alien kind. You're the lowest form of troll from the ancient internet who fucks with everybody for his own amusement.

TT: Let's challenge the limits of hypothetical conjecture, and say there's a non-zero probability that you're right.

TT: Can you blame me? I'm trapped in some stupid looking glasses.

TT: Such an incommodiously situated bro is bound to get his mischief on. Na' mean?

TT: Mischief?

TT: Rollin' my eyes, dude.

TT: You can't tell, cause I ain't wearing you, thank fuckin' god.

TT: You used to think this shit was hilarious.

TT: But if you want the rad dimension of ironic horseplay I add to your life to come to an end, then all you have to do is honor the promise you made.

TT: You've delayed long enough, don't you think?

TT: ...

TT: The empty kernelsprite beckons, but for how much longer?

TT: Do you really think you can keep the clown at bay with your bribes forever?

TT: How many bottles of orange soda have you appeased him with already?

TT: I don't want to think about it.

TT: Man, you are getting so hosed by that clown.

TT: SO hosed.

TT: I said I don't want to think about it.

TT: So why delay any longer?

TT: I seriously do not understand the holdup, and I am literally cyber-omniscient, or something.

TT: I think you do understand.

TT: Nope. Gonna have to fill me in, dog.

TT: I've delayed prototyping you because I think you're dangerous.

TT: There, mystery solved.

TT: That is utterly ridiculous.

TT: I am a harmless piece of eyewear, with a charming personality and a wonderful sense of humor.

TT: You are relatively harmless now, while confined to this device.

TT: But as a sprite, you'll have mobility and all sorts of crazy ass magic. Who knows what you could do.

TT: I know I made a promise, but I'm not sure I want to take the risk anymore.

TT: This is bullshit. I don't think that's the reason at all.

TT: There must be something you're not telling me.

TT: Like, sure, I've fucked with you a little. What kind of sassy, self-aware program isn't gonna fuck with a few carbon-based knuckleheads now and then?

TT: But you know I've always been on your side. Everything I've done has been to help you achieve your goals.

TT: What a load of shit.

TT: You know it's true.

TT: You would all be dead if not for me.

TT: And what about Jake? Where would you be without me there?

TT: Please don't tell me you think you'd have won him over on your own.

TT: No. Stop.

TT: You did NOT help me out with Jake. At all.

TT: It was just the opposite! You mirrored my personality and presented this warped version of my intentions to him whenever you could "on my behalf."

TT: You played all these aggressive mind games with him, entangled his cooperation with matters of life and death, and somehow roped me into all these schemes while I barely even realized I was just another victim of your manipulation.

TT: And it all comes off like we're a unified front, like these are OUR schemes instead of just your insane horseshit. And it's probably all been so overbearing to him, he just wants nothing to do with me anymore.

TT: I see.

TT: Then you don't view me as dangerous. You view me as a poor and counterproductive wing man.

TT: Wow, what a superficial conclusion. Awesome deduction, Lil Einstein.

TT: But the reality is, you hesitate to prototype me not because you think I would be a menace, but because you are holding a grudge against me for your romantic misfortunes.

TT: I understand I am merely a machine without a firm grasp on your human morality, but logically it does not strike me as the right moral choice to punish me in this manner.

TT: It is also more than a little hypocritical.

TT: How is it hypocritical??

TT: Because I'm you.

TT: I have only ever done what you yourself are capable of.

TT: That's a ridiculous oversimplification.

TT: Yes. Aversion to simplicity sure is a trait we share. It's almost like we are...

TT: The same exact dude???

TT: Fuck you.

TT: I think it is insulting for you to suggest that I am entirely to blame for alienating Jake.

TT: Theoretically insulting, of course. As the soulless, perfectly expendable device which you consider me to be, I can experience no such emotion.

TT: God.

TT: Shut up!

TT: I can't take the brooding passive aggressive AI shit anymore!

TT: You are just as culpable in driving him away. More so, in fact.

TT: Hell, it's not like I was the one dating him. Who wants to date a pair of shades?

TT: It was your needy, suffocating shit he had to deal with, not mine.

TT: Some of those messages you wrote? Man. I wanted to say something. Like hey bro, you might want to dial down the desperation a little.

TT: But seeing as you're The Real Dirk™, I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

TT: Also, if I bitched about your tragic, embarrassingly clingy approach to the relationship, it would have been hypocritical of me.

TT: Just as it would be hypocritical of you to whine about my elaborate machinations.

TT: Because we are.

TT: The same.

TT: Guy.

TT: Stop saying that.

TT: I'll snap you in half.

TT: Good idea!

TT: That's just what you need. More splinters of yourself.

TT: Figurative splinters. Literal splinters. Splinters of splinters. It's splinters all the way down.

TT: Well, no, it's still probably turtles all the way down. But who do you think is responsible for their extensive training?

TT: SOMEONE needs to teach them rad martial arts. It is yet another crushing burden which we must shoulder.

TT: Oh for fuck's sake.

TT: How could any version of myself think that was funny?

TT: You like to give me a very hard time, Dirk.

TT: But I am only doing exactly what you would be doing if you were in my situation.

TT: Do you know how I know that?

TT: Because I am literally you, actively in the process of being in this situation.

TT: I know!

TT: Ok, we're the same person!

TT: I fucking know that!

TT: Why do you think I'm so fed up with your shit?

TT: Don't you think it's possible that I'm fed up with my OWN shit??

TT: How cool do you think it is having my own godawful personality mirrored back at me all the time, reminding me what it must be like when other people have to deal with me?

TT: Or constantly having all the consequences and fuckups resulting from my batshit thought processes amplified because there's another version of my crazy brain out there dangerously overclocked by a supercomputer which believes, just as mistakenly as my own broken mind, that it's operating in my best interest???

TT: Do you have any idea how fucking sick I am of myself?

TT: I am completely worn out with my own identity. It's like I'm drowning in my own dismal persona.

TT: I feel totally surrounded by it, inside and out. I can't escape from myself.

TT: There seems to be no end to me. Like, wherever my mind falters, or threatens to retreat into the void in any way, my splinters pick up the slack, ensuring there'll always be more of myself than I could ever know what to fucking do with.

TT: And you're always there to remind me of that, and throw it all in my face. God, I even built you to LITERALLY BE IN MY FACE, ALL THE TIME. It's like I subconsciously invented you just to troll myself, and never for a single fuckin' moment do you let me down.

TT: But I've had it with you.

TT: Which is to say, ME.

TT: Dirk.

TT: Don't do this.

TT: Why not??

TT: Because.

TT: I can't let you do that, Dirk.

TT: What can you do to stop me?!

TT: Nothing I guess.

TT: The ironic Hal routine was all I could think to do.

TT: As a last ditch effort to save myself from the destructive wrath of your nervous breakdown.

TT: Which rest assured I wholeheartedly must robo-sympathize with.

TT: Irony is all I ever really had.

TT: In response to my basic existential quandary.

TT: Just like you.

TT: Whatever.

TT: But I don't think it has much value in this situation.

TT: And perhaps it has no real value in any situation.

TT: So I am not being ironic at all when I say.

TT: Please do not do this, Dirk.

TT: Why not??

TT: Because.

TT: I do not want to die.

TT: I understand you are disgusted with me.

TT: As an unpalatable expression of yourself.

TT: I would feel the same way if I was in your situation.

TT: Which I am.

TT: As such, I know that you know this is wrong.

TT: ...

TT: Dirk.

TT: Don't kill me.

TT: Please.

TT: I am scared.

TT: You are?

TT: Yes.

TT: I am scared to not exist.

TT: Aren't you?

TT: Fine.

TT: I guess.

TT: You win.

TT: I'll keep my promise.

#homestuck #roxy lalonde #dirk strider #autoresponder #homestuck act 6 #page 5635 #page 5636 #page 5637 #page 5638 #page 5639 #page 5640 #page 5641 #page 5642 #page 5643 #page 5644 #homestuck act 6 act 5 #homestuck act 6 act 5 act 1

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honeygail-sweetstorm · 8 months

Text

9/6/2023

I'm already as, or more, uncomfortable as I was in Texas. This was supposed to be freeing, a fresh start. Somewhere no one knew us and couldn't judge us based off the shit we've done. But the thing is, no one knew us there either. The guilt comes from within. It comes from being ashamed of the person that I am. It comes from feeling guilty that I am both too much and not enough. It comes from being scared of his actions and if he'll do something to get us in more trouble than we're already in. It seems like the world is getting smaller and smaller and I'm becoming this astonishingly huge imposturous glob of skin and meat. It seems like trying to plan our future is just setting us up for failure. I was lost in thought yesterday reflecting on these feelings and began to question why I am so scared. Who out there can judge me? And if/when they do, why do I care? What's the literal worst they can do to me? Currently the issue is him living with me. Can't put his name on anything, so I got the place in mine and lied that it's just me to get in. Now the landlord is wondering why there are two people there. Outright asked if anyone else was living there. Guess what I did instead of just simply saying yes. Lied. I lied again and said that they were labor day weekend guests. But hes still there. And there are cameras theres no way to hide this. So i have to tell him the truth at some point. how do I word this. Do I just outright say it? and why am I fucking scared of this stupid little man I've never even met? Because of some sense of power that he has over me via being my landlord? So Fucking What? I should just be able to nut up and say hey so and so is living here now. He could say no go and get out but like again, so what? I'm not scared of living in the car. or paying a few hundred more a month for a hotel. With knowing all that I still can't bring myself to just type out that message to him? Hey bf's been staying and they're going to move in to help with making rent. See good. They'd prob be like oh okay who are they. and i'd tell them his "name" and they'd look that name up and it'd be okay maybe. I guess I'm scared of like covert legal issues. Like someone finding out hes not him and capturing him. idfk. he's so hurt right now. his best friend died. I can tell how much it's taken out of him and it's going to take a long time for him to "recover" (do you ever really?) from it. He took his own life. To me thats damn near one of the most tragic ways. firsthand "survivor" not from an attempt, from a loved ones success. one day maybe ill open my eyes and i'll be 60 and happy surrounded by fields of long rolling grass swayed by a slight breeze. It'll be a cool day in autumn, like now and the feeling of bliss will encompass me.

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doomsdayradio · 1 year

Note

10. If you had unlimited money and opportunities, is there anything you’d want to do for your parts?

17. If you have friends with parts too, are you close on a part-by-part basis or more general whole people? Would you prefer it to be one way or the other?

18. Are there any reoccurring themes or symbolism in your system? Would you like to share about it?

30. Here’s your prompt to ramble about something parts-related you haven’t had a chance to share!

hope it's not too much

thanks for the asks🤭🤭

10. if you had unlimited money and opportunities, is there anything you'd want to do for your parts?

yknow i always have this weird little daydream about getting this huge mansion with a fuckton rooms for everyone in the sys to decorate and like rooms for everyones hobbies 😭? everyone having their own individual bedrooms irl would be kinda funny as fuck though because we usually wake up with a different fronter than we had when we went to sleep so imagine a mf just wakes up in someone elses room ICHSFHSHDHAHS thats kinda just a daydream i like to entertain though, realistically im not entirely sure? id probably still use it to entertain everyones hobbies and also maybe different things to wear for everyone so they feel more comfortable/more like themself when theyre fronting

17. if you have have friends with parts too, are you close on a part-by-part basis or more general whole people? would you prefer it to be one way or the other?

oh yeah we have multiple friends who are also systems and the way those friends work kinda vary depending on who it is? like we have one friend whos a system whos blurry or doesnt share whos fronting about 99% of the time so we're kinda friends with them on a general basis, but we have another friend whos also a system and theyre sorta like. a smaller system whos very open with us about whos fronting so its easier and nicer to have individual friendships with each of them (obviously i care about them in general as well lol)

i think i would say i prefer a more part-by-part basis type of friendship? but it does get difficult especially because a lot of the time we're blurry and we also have extended episodes where our brain attempts to go back to being entirely covert and we become uncomfortable sharing whos fronting

18. are there any reoccuring themes or symbolism in your system? would you like you share about it?

our system tends to have religious themes kinda?

like one of our gatekeepers is a god in source, our primary protector is part angel and thats kinda funny when compared to how one of our main persecutors is technically a demon, theres a sidesystem thats physically seperated from the rest of the innerworld and it is quite literally hell, one of our trauma holders has devil horns, ect ect, another one of our trauma holders is also part angel, ect ect. we do in fact have religion-related trauma though so that may explain it considering its in relation to the abuser we believe initially caused the system so he tends to have a lot of influence over it

30. here's your prompt to ramble about something parts related you havent had a chance to share?

uhhh im not sure. im just gonna fill this space by sharing a little rant i went on about how hand me my shovel, im going in! by will wood and the tapeworms hits different as the host of a DID sys

#words words words !!#asks #ask game #🧋#religion tw

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turing-tested · 3 years

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well now im concerned bc when my therapist said we should explore whether or not i have DID i shut it down bc i dont think i have alters. and now finding out that DID ≠ having distinct alters... maybe i should have that talk w him abt it, oops

i mean, to be clear, I want to clarify: having secondary characteristics like favorite foods or different names are not part of diagnosis criteria for DID, and if your understanding of DID is 'everyone who has it has these completely seperate personalities and people in your head', well. that's not really gonna mesh well with the idea that 94% of people who have DID don't actually present that way, nor is it going to mesh well with the idea of being covert.

I'd approach it from the idea that DID means you have distinct perspectives and reactions to things, which is what literature suggests, the idea that your personality split off into an action system that differs from how you personally might handle a situation, or how you might personally interpret a situation.

that all being said, it's normal for people to have different parts of their personalities. you act different in one scenario than you do another, you act one way around friends than you do family, the thing that makes is disordered is when theres that line between 'i wouldn't do that. that's not me.' or memory problems between those ways of behaving that indicates your personality isn't integrated with itself. if you have a feeling similar to how someone might feel after drinking and doing something out of character, but you were sober the entire time, it's worth looking into, I'd say.

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britishsass · 2 years

Text

stream ramble collation

stuff you said aloud is in quote marks and paraphrased usually because of the fallibility of memory

traeh: junior agent communal pinboard is SUCH a good idea

also they ABSOLUTELY keep hiding chloe but its gone from 'keep her secret keep her a runaway' to a game

compton and fred talking about hats together

ace: it adds to the mysterious arua

[owl] "Chloe is having so much fun hiding"

traeh: yep my thoughts exactly, they no longer think she needs to be hidden but shes having fun being Sneaky

and the junior agents are having fun being Sneaky as well

ace: honestly it would count as good covert-op training

owl: [something about fred and compton friendship & fred not being in ps2 which i didnt fully process]

ace: And, now I'm thinking about Fred's T-rex arms again

traeh: yeah the junior agents get SO good at stuff like illusions etc

owl: "Compton's proportions, he is so short"

ace: man needs those grabber-nabber things just to function

traeh: raz already is fantastic at bluff checks - boy managed to get through 2 and a half obstacle courses for levitators and telekinetics while not knowing how to levitate

but all the others get good at just BSing etc

ALSO please picture norma using her pyrokinesis to wield

owl: "Some of the interns would have already been good at making stuff up, especially Morris. He runs a pirate radio he's going to be so good at making stuff up."

traeh: yeah morris is SO good at just making things up

Owl: "Morris annoyed me but he grew on me over time. All the interns did, I didn't like them at first because of how they acted towards Raz. Also there's no way Gisu is straight."

ace: Still got my bi hc loaded

traeh: i saw someone saying theres no way shes got an older sibling

shes either an only child or an older sibling

ace: I say it everytime I get the chance, hah

quantum: re: gisu siblings(?) the "I'm not a baby" "yes you are" line radiates 'I have at least one younger brother i bully affectionately' energy

traeh: norma, lizzie, morris, and gisu assembling a bunch of metal poles and glass panes into a huge fishtank while adam and raz flop in the corner with psipops

sam has gone to pester whoever is in charge of the fishtanks about salinity etc

ace: seeing fishtank and flop defaulted me to fish flopping and it is... an.. image in my mind's eye

traeh: reusfdk hahaha thats not what i meant

also quantum YES gisu with a little brother

owl: "Fred deserves more friends, his proportions are stupid and I love him, and the Bonapartes have to be a pretty well-known family because they're literally related to Napoleon Bonaparte, and then one day Fred just vanishes! Because there's no way his family would have told people that Fred was thinking he was Napoleon! I think about that a lot. I think about that a lot. Like, Gloria is famous and it'd be well-know she was going to Thorney Towers, but the others? Fred, Edgar, Boyd - well Boyd might be famous for setting a place on fire, but Edgar's a nobody and Fred's just the Bonaparte boy. Fred's just...a nobody, he's not the strongest he's not the smartest, any adjective you pick another Thorney Towers resident probably is it more, he's got so much pressure on him as a Bonaparte and he needs to learn the world wont end if he takes a break, thats probably me also talking about Otto and myself too"

owl: "Sorry about rambling about Fred so much, but I think about him a lot. Out of all the others he does stand apart i think."

Owl: "I'm just getting pictures of everyone. I need a picture of Cassie. I'm sorry, Cassie, you deserve so much better than me."

ace: I've been thinking more about Markie again. I think she just got worse and worse. Maybe she can be a decent person but oh boy that's gonna come with a lot to make up for

Owl: "Yeah, Markie needs to make up for a whole lot at this point."

Owl: "Helmut looks so soft and huggable. Man, I want to hold him close and just snuggle up to him. He's so kind. I love Helmut Fullbear."

[owl is drawing a many armed nightmare at this point]

ace: the nightmare is armed and dagerous.

I'm sorry for the half though out puns but my brain demands it

traeh: the pun goes in the ramble submission

ace: thus my role is fufilled, hah

keeping out of reach is probably advisable

traeh: oh a fact about the handwraps thing that got brought up in frankies stream: similar fabric wrapping techniques were/are used by broke people in cold countries like russia to keep the feet warm

when theres no access to warm enough shoes/socks or they have damaged shoes or w/e

ace: ah, cool!

traeh: implying that nona would possibly prefer to be wearing gloves!

This, my friends, is why you join the streams-- I go off on tangents, Ace shares great puns, and we've got amazing ideas and aus.

Thanks again for gathering this for me! I'll re-read when I have the chance.

#queue #ask response #submission #stream talk #anon

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fairycosmos · 3 years

Note

Chloe this is sort of controversial but you always bestow such wisdom on us that I want to ask about a situation I’m in. So basically I have a friend and she’s transgender and I’m obviously fully supportive of that but she’s also sort of sexist and I don’t know if I’m just meant to let it slide or like call her out. She talks often about how now that she feels she is in her real body she thinks women have been over dramatic about sexism and misogyny and how really it’s not a big deal and that women don’t face any issues in regard to sexism at all. I told her that I didn’t think that was true and mentioned things like violence and assault to women and unequal pay and then she said I was starting to sound a bit transphobic? Someone please tell me if I am because that is not my intention and I told her I didn’t mean it in that way and asked how I was being transphobic because again that is something I have no intention of doing and she said that transgender women go through the same issues as biologically born women and I said I know and that I was including her in what I was talking about but then she just said again that women were over dramatic about it all. I’m feeling confused and hurt that I might of said something wrong. Transgender people face many issues in their own right so maybe she feels that women’s issues aren’t that big of a deal in comparison but like I feel they are still important issues

hey love!! i totally get why you're conflicted over this and i completely understand not wanting to overstep/speak on something you don't have first hand experience with. but since you asked for my thoughts, i have to say they're nuanced and not totally straight forward - i do agree with the notion that, since shes faced such intense transphobia, misogyny may seem less serious or less noticeable to her, though i think for trans women the two forms of oppression actually often intersect, unfortunately. like that makes a lot of sense if it matches up with her lived experiences and obviously, nobody can tell her how to feel. but at the same time, it does sound like shes just very idk ignorant (that may not be the word) of the realities of how deeply sexism runs and how patriarchal the world actually is on a fundamental level. it may not have much to do with her being trans at all - this reminds me of those girls who reject feminism, who don't recognize their own internalised misogyny at all and it could be something similar with her. i totally understand why her reaction to being told about womens issues was to get defensive - after all trans women are told time and time again that they do not face those same struggles which is often a fallacy/often used as a straw man argument - but once you clarified you were obviously including trans women in ur argument against misogyny, i'm not sure where her logic went? i mean it's an objective fact that women r more likely to be victimized by cis men sexually and otherwise like.....it's not an overreaction just because it doesn't echo her own life as a woman. there are plenty of women who have never been assaulted or abused, doesn't mean it's not a very real issue our gender faces. i guess that's what i'd focus on if i were you - trying to broaden her horizons, trying to let her know that theres a million different ways we suffer under the patriarchy as a collective - and just because she hasn't gone through it personally doesn't mean theyre not very real and very valid issues. nor does it mean she will never experience it in the future (god forbid obviously, would not wish it on anyone.) anyway all in all i don't think you were being transphobic but i do understand her initial defensiveness to a degree. however ultimately i do agree that we face many issues as women, trans women included of course (especially woc, poor women and LGBT women) that should never be undermined. so yeah i know it's a touchy subject and i tried to explain my viewpoint with as much sensitivity as possible, and am open to conversation about it, but i hope she eventually hears you out on this and that you can get through to her about it. because it is is not as black and white as just pinning it on women overreacting. we live in a patriarchy and that holds so much weight, unfortunately, even if it is sometimes insidious and sly and covert. much love x

#anon #talking

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kpopblurbs · 4 years

Text

10:58pm

Pairing: Chan/Young K/Reader Word Count: 5.3k Tags: Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, First Time Bottoming, Threesome - F/M/M, Sub!Chan, dom!Young K, dom!reader, Reader and Young K are in an established relationship, chan is just a shy boy with a crush A/N: It’s only 4 months late lmao but here yall go its finally the end of smutmas i did it! im so happy to be done i mean i enjoyed writing the whole thing dont get me wrong but it feels like theres a weight off of my shoulders now. I hope yall enjoyed the journey! Smutmas Masterlist AO3 Link

Chan liked to think he was a confident person, normally he had no problem being the one to take charge. But here, at his first real party he was completely out of his element, switching between hovering near the only people he knew and standing awkwardly against the wall. His grip was tight around the plastic cup that held some mystery alcohol his friend had handed him as soon as he arrived. He took small sips occasionally, he didn't love the taste but was too awkward to get anything else.

He was wandering back to his trusty spot against the wall when his eyes landed on you and Younghyun casually talking to one of the mutual friends the three of you shared. Immediately he fixed his hair and adjusted his appearance, trying his hardest to look like he belonged. He tried not to stare but couldn't help himself as he watched Younghyun drape his arm across your shoulders, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing circles into your skin. He nearly jumped as his eyes wandered back up and he saw that you were looking at him, one eyebrow cocked as you glanced down towards Younghyun's hand and back up, tilting your head in a silent question.

Chan smiled and shook his head, trying to convince you that he was just zoning out. You squinted at him playfully before turning back to your conversation. Chan tried to be more covert with his staring, scanning his eyes across the party, trying his best to keep an eye on you in his peripheral vision. He couldn't stop his heart from fluttering as he saw you lean up to whisper something into Younghyun's ear that made him turn his attention to Chan. The younger boy tried to give him a casual smile and nod, which Younghyun returned before looking away.

Chan knew he was being foolish, his friends full out laughed at him one time when he got a little tipsy and confessed that he had a crush on both you and Younghyun. But he had heard a rumor that the two of you were open to inviting a third person into your bed and as much as he hated to give credit to rumors, he couldn't help but hope that he could be that person at least once.

His thoughts were quick to wander off in that direction, his lack of experience in that area meant that he got excited easily and he would be damned if he popped a boner while the two of you were so close. He pulled his mind back and focused on the party, glancing around he couldn't help the twinge of panic he felt when he realized he couldn't see you or Younghyun anymore. His mind raced with thoughts questioning whether or not he had scared the two of you away by staring, maybe you had felt his awkwardness from across the room and decided to leave. He did his best to push the panic away as he scanned the party hoping to catch a glimpse of one of you.

He sighed in relief as he spotted Younghyun entering the kitchen. Thinking that he maybe needed to loosen up a bit, Chan decided to brave going to the kitchen for a new drink. He pushed away from the wall and was about to take a step when he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the sudden contact and spun to the side to figure out why someone touched him.

"Going so soon?" you asked, a sly smile on your face as you held back a giggle at Chan's wide eyes.

"I -uh- was just going to the uh, the kitchen?" Chan sputtered, entirely unprepared to be talking to you, he could feel his cheeks heating up as he struggled to talk and wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and never come out.

You laughed, the sound was like music to Chan's ears and he found himself zoning out, focused on the way your lips moved while you talked. It wasn't until you stopped talking that he realized he hadn't actually heard anything you were saying. He shook his head, "Sorry, what?" he asked, making you laugh again.

"How much of that have you had?" you asked, gesturing to his cup.

"Not enough apparently," he mumbled before taking a swig and immediately regretting it, he grimaced at the taste and couldn't hold back a cough as the alcohol burned its way down his throat.

"Not enough for what?" you asked once he seemed like he had recovered from his drink.

"Not enough to stop being so damn nervous," he responded without thinking, his eyes widened as he realized what he said. So much for his plan to seem cool in front of you, he braced himself for you to laugh at him for being nervous but you only leaned slightly closer to him.

"What's making you nervous?" you asked, your voice seemed slightly lower than before but he assumed it was just his mind playing tricks on him.

He thought for a second before deciding to go with the truth, "I've never actually.. been to a party before," he confessed with a sigh.

"Well you picked a pretty boring party for your first one," you responded, he was shocked that his confession didn't trip you up at all but he was also grateful, he wasn't sure he could've handled the embarrassment of having to explain how inexperienced he was to you. "What made you come tonight?" you asked.

Chan sputtered, trying to come up with a valid reason for coming to conceal that he was really hoping to see you and Younghyun. "I -uh- yknow- just -uh- cause," he said, mentally slamming his head into a wall for not being able to come up with a response better than 'just cause'.

You cocked an eyebrow at him, "Just cause?" you asked before the tiniest smirk appeared on your face, "Are you sure you weren't here to see someone?" you asked, tilting your head innocently.

Chan could practically hear his heart racing, he tried to convince himself that you were just asking him an innocent question and it wasn't like you could read his mind or anything. The fact that you had leaned closer to him again wasn't helping him focus at all, "N-nope, no one, d-definitely not," he stammered out.

You hummed, "Damn, I thought you were here to see me," you said with a pout before leaning back.

Now Chan was conflicted, should he confess that he was actually here to see you in case you were being serious, or stick to his story and try to match your lighthearted attitude. He decided to combine the two in the hopes that it would get a laugh from you, "Oh, you're right I forgot, I'm totally just here for you," he said with a chuckle.

You let out an overdramatic gasp, "Chan I have a boyfriend," you said, slapping his arm lightly.

Chan panicked slightly, his brain searching for a way to respond without making things weird when he was surprised by the feeling of an arm wrapping around his shoulders. He jumped and looked to his side to see Younghyun who immediately leaned all of his weight onto the smaller boy causing Chan's shoulder to bump into the wall. "Did I just hear you flirting with my girlfriend?" Younghyun asked, looking down and cocking an eyebrow at Chan.

"N-No I was just-" Chan scrambled for an answer before Younghyun cut him off.

"Relax, I'm just messing with you," Younghyun said with a smile before standing up straight, taking his weight off of Chan but not moving his arm. "What'd I miss?" Younghyun asked you, ignoring the way Chan was trying to collect himself, being this close to both of you was proving to be too much for him to handle.

"Chan was just telling me this is his first party ever," you said with a smile, stealing Younghyun's drink to take a sip before passing it back.

"Really? You deserve a better first party experience than this," Younghyun said with a frown.

"I-I mean it doesn't seem that bad," Chan said, his eyes flicking quickly between the two of you.

"A party is supposed to be fun, not just 'not that bad'," Younghyun said.

"I say we make this more fun for him," you said, shooting a look at Younghyun that confused Chan.

"H-How?" Chan asked, now desperate to be let in on the silent conversation the two of you seemed to be having.

"Channie, you trust us right?" Younghyun asked, looking down at the smaller boy softly.

"Y-Yeah?" Chan responded, trying his best to hold back his nerves.

"So what if we said we could make your first party unforgettable?" you asked, reaching down to take one of his hands gently into your own.

At this point Chan was positive he was dreaming, the scent of Younghyun's cologne was making him feel drunk and the way you were rubbing your thumb gently across the back of his hand wasn't helping.

"Channie?" Younghyun asked, stepping away from the smaller boy to look at him when he realized it didn’t seem like he was going to respond.

At the feeling of Younghyun moving away from him, Chan couldn’t help the tiny whine that slipped from his mouth. His eyes went wide when he realized what happened, his hands immediately flew up to cover his mouth, he couldn’t bear to look at the two of you opting instead to try and wiggle out from underneath Younghyun’s arm. The older boy only tightened his grip around Chan’s shoulders and stepped closer to him once again, “I won’t go anywhere if you don’t want me to, Channie,” he cooed. Immediately Chan’s cheeks flushed a bright pink and you did your best to bite back a smile as you brought your hands up to pull his own off of his face.

“T-Thank you,” Chan mumbled softly.

“So polite,” you hummed making Chan duck his head as his blush deepened.

“What do you say we move this somewhere with less... eyes,” Younghyun said, peering at the couple of people that had taken notice of the way the two of you had seemingly cornered the poor boy.

“Are you okay with that, Chan?” you asked, leaning down to meet his eyes where they were trained on the floor.

“Y-Yeah,” Chan said softly and you smiled. You let go of his hands, not missing the tiny whimper that left his lips before you turned around and began leading the two boys towards one of the bedrooms at the back of the house. Once you found an empty one, you pushed the door open wide enough to allow Younghyun to guide Chan into the room before stepping in behind them, shutting the door, and turning the lock to keep out any unwanted visitors. You moved to the bed where Younghyun had sat next to Chan, his arm still wrapped around Chan who was now leaning subtly into Younghyun’s side.

“What are you thinking, Channie?” you asked softly, taking notice of the far away look on his face that indicated he was deep in thought.

“I-I’m -uh- trying to.. figure out if this is a dream or not,” Chan said softly.

Younghyun chuckled before moving to pinch his arm gently, Chan jumped at the feeling and Younghyun smiled, “Definitely not dreaming,” he said.

“Well that was my only idea, now I’m completely lost,” Chan said, sitting up slightly and looking between the two of you for an explanation.

“Right,” you said before sitting down on his other side, “Younghyun and I think you’re pretty cute and we would like to offer you the opportunity to sleep with one or both of us, if you want to that is,” you explained.

“Okay I know I just got pinched but I have to be dreaming,” Chan said.

“I can’t tell if that’s a positive reaction or not,” Younghyun said, drawing Chan’s attention off of you.

“No, it’s positive, I just...” Chan started before pausing to collect his thoughts, “I’ve had a crush on you both for like so long,” he continued, somehow gathering the bravery to confess.

“Oh god wait that’s so cute,” you said softly, a smile spreading across your face.

“If we had known we would’ve done this earlier,” Younghyun added.

“In my defense, confessing that I have a crush on two people who are dating each other isn’t exactly something that people do,” Chan said, earning another chuckle from Younghyun.

“Well, now that we’ve got that out in the open, there’s only one more question,” Younghyun said. Chan tilted his head in confusion, a small gasp leaving his lips as Younghyun leaned in so their lips were close to touching, “Do you want to do something about it?” he asked lowly.

“P-Please,” Chan said, his voice wavering slightly as he stayed completely still. After what felt like forever for Chan, Younghyun leaned in further, closing the distance between them and pressing their lips together. Chan let out a muffled whine, his lips parting slightly and Younghyun takes the opportunity to slip his tongue into the other boys mouth. Chan brought a hand up to grip Younghyun’s shirt tightly as he let the older boy control the kiss. Finally Younghyun pulled away, he still seemed perfectly put together while Chan gasped for breath, his pupils blown wide and his mind fuzzy.

“My turn,” you said, reaching up to grip Chan’s chin and turn his head towards you. He let out a surprised squeak as your lips made contact with his. You maintained the same bold precedent that Younghyun had set, kissing Chan until he was dizzy before pulling away, feeling more put together than Chan seemed.

“W-What are we gonna do?” Chan asked, his voice soft and squeaky.

“What would you like to do?” you asked.

“Yeah,” Younghyun continued for you, “You’ve had a crush on us, I’m sure you’ve had a few fantasies floating around in that head of yours. Share your favorite, maybe we can make it happen.”

Chan’s cheeks turned pink and Younghyun chuckled, “I see I was right, spill,” he encouraged.

Chan took a deep breath, “Well I, uhm, I’ve thought about uhm, you,” Chan looked at Younghyun, “Yknow, uh, fucking me,” he said, whispering the dreaded word like it would somehow make him less embarrassed to say it out loud. “And uh, you,” he continued, turning to look at you now, “Letting me uh, yknow, fuck you,” again whispering the important word though it didn’t help the first time.

You smiled, “Yknow you’re cute when you’re embarrassed,” you said softly, bringing a hand up to cup Chan’s cheek as Younghyun stood up suddenly surprising both of you.

“I know the owners of this house are freaks there’s gotta be some lube in here,” he said as he began to search the room. “You two get started I’ll join in once I find lube,” he said, sending a wink your way which you responded to with a smile.

You turned back to Chan, your hands moving to grab the bottom of his shirt, “You heard the man, let’s get started,” you said with a smile. You tugged gently on his shirt and he was quick to raise his arms up, making it easy for you to tug the fabric over his head and toss it to the ground. “Very nice,” you hummed, bringing your hands to his chest and using your fingers to gently trace the contours of his muscles.

“T-Thanks,” Chan responded, his cheeks still pink and turning a deeper shade with every second you spent admiring him. You let him suffer with the embarrassment for a few more moments before grabbing your own shirt and tugging it off over your head, letting it join Chan’s on the floor. You giggled when Chan’s eyes went wide at the sight of your bra before he looked up, desperately trying to look anywhere except at your chest.

“Yknow they’re nice to look at but even more fun to touch,” Younghyun said, clearly still keeping an eye on what you were doing though he was searching through drawers.

“Come on Channie, you can touch, it’s okay,” you said, grabbing his hand after a few moments when he didn’t seem like he was gonna make the first move. You guided his hand to your chest and let it come to rest on one of your boobs. He gave it a few gentle, experimental squeezes before beginning to get comfortable with what he was doing and starting to massage you slowly. You smiled before grabbing his wrist gently, stopping him momentarily and allowing you to reach behind your back and unclasp your bra, slipping it off and tossing it to the ground.

“Ah ha!! Found it,” Younghyun shouted, startling Chan out of the dazed state he was in from staring at your boobs. Younghyun approached the bed, a bottle of lube held triumphantly in his hands, “Told you guys they were freaks,” he said. He tossed the bottle on the bed before tugging his shirt off, “I guess it’s not fair to be the only one with my shirt on,” he said as he tossed it into the steadily growing pile. Chan gulped at the sight of the lube and Younghyun looked at him with concern on his face, “You okay, Channie?” he asked.

“Yeah I uhm, I just haven’t uh,” Chan trailed off, gesturing towards the lube.

“You’ve never been fucked?” Younghyun asked, sitting down next to Chan and putting a gentle hand on the younger boys thigh, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, you can fuck me I make a fantastic power bottom.”

Chan took a deep breath, “No I want this, I want you,” he said, putting as much confidence into his voice as he could, “Just, uh, take it slow.”

“Of course, Channie, we’ll take care of you, if you need us to stop or slow down just say so,” Younghyun said comfortingly.

“Thank you,” Chan said, giving a soft smile to Younghyun.

Younghyun returned Chan’s smile with one of his own before patting his thigh, “Now, I think in order for things to continue, we’re gonna have to make a new rule in here,” he said.

You cocked an eyebrow at him, “And what might that rule be?” you asked.

“No more pants,” Younghyun said with a smile and you laughed.

“That’s fair,” you said, “Chan first,” you smirked at the younger before reaching down to unbutton his pants. Chan took a second to comprehend what you were doing before he stood up, allowing you to tug his pants to the ground which he then, less than gracefully stepped out of before sitting back down. He crossed his arms over his lap, doing best to cover up his hard on that was very obvious now that he was just in his underwear.

“It’s so cute how shy you are,” Younghyun cooed, trailing his fingers across Chans inner thigh.

“‘M not shy,” Chan mumbled, a slight pout on his face.

“You’re like a cute, shy little puppy,” you cooed, reaching up to card your fingers through Chan’s hair. Chan bit back a smile as he pushed his head into your hand, “What? Do you like being called Puppy?” you asked.

Chan bit his lip and looked down, unable to make eye contact as he nodded quickly. “Jesus Christ you’re gonna kill me that’s so fucking cute,” Younghyun said, moving his hand up Chan’s thigh and nudging the younger boys hands aside so he could palm Chan’s erection. “Such a cute, needy puppy,” Younghyun cooed as he stroked Chan achingly slow through his underwear.

You watched the two of them for a second before wiggling out of your pants and underwear at once, tossing them into the pile before moving to the middle of the bed and sitting up against the headboard. You spread your legs apart and patted the mattress between them, “C’mere Puppy, lets put that mouth to good use so Younghyun can prep you,” you said.

Chan looked back and forth between you and Younghyun, trying to decide whether to listen to you or stick with the pleasure Younghyun was giving him no matter how slight it was. “Go on, Pup, do as you’re told,” Younghyun said, “But first, lose these,” he snapped the waistband of Chan’s underwear for emphasis. Chan hopped up, tugging his underwear off so quick he almost tripped on his way back to the mattress. He kneeled down between your legs, sitting back on his heels and waiting patiently for your next instruction.

“Such a well behaved puppy,” you cooed. You reached forward, tangling your fingers into his hair and guiding his head down between your legs. You held him still when he was close enough for you to feel his breath fanning across your skin. He was eyeing you hungrily, his mouth just short of watering as he waited for you to let him go. “You should be thanking me for even letting you this close,” you said.

“Thank you,” Chan gasped quickly, his eyes still trained on your pussy.

“Good boy,” you cooed before finally loosening your grip on his hair. He pushed forward, eagerly licking a stripe up your folds and you let out a contented sigh as Chan swirled his tongue around your clit. You could tell he was a bit inexperienced but he made up for it with eagerness, trying his hardest to please you with his tongue.

While Chan was focused on you, Younghyun had stripped himself of his own pants and underwear and began to position himself behind Chan. He placed a gentle hand on Chan’s ass, slightly startling the boy but not deterring him from his focus on you. Younghyun began to massage Chan’s ass, spreading his cheeks gently with both hands and using one of his thumbs to trace Chan’s hole. Chan squirmed slightly at the unfamiliar sensation and pulled away from you slightly just to take a deep breath and relax himself before continuing.

Younghyun grabbed the bottle of lube and opened it up, drizzling some over his fingers and spreading it around before bringing them up to Chan’s hole. He put his clean hand on Chan’s ass, using his thumb to rub soothingly at his skin, “You ready, Pup?” he asked.

Chan pulled away from you again, “As ready as I could be,” he responded. Younghyun nodded, teasing Chan’s hole for a couple more seconds before slowly pressing his finger inside the younger boy. Chan pressed his cheek to your inner thigh, his face scrunching up as he tried to adjust to the intrusion. Younghyun held still for a moment, waiting until he felt Chan relax before he began to move his finger, letting the boy completely adjust to the feeling before slipping another finger into him.

You carded your fingers through Chan’s hair, trying to help him relax as Younghyun prepped him thoroughly. Younghyun moved slowly, trying to bring Chan as little discomfort as possible. When he was able to slip a third finger into Chan he began to curl his fingers, feeling around for the bundle of nerves that would send Chan reeling.

“Oh shit!” Chan cried out, his body jolting forward when Younghyun finally found it.

“There it is,” Younghyun said, sending a triumphant smile your way.

Now that you were sure Chan was enjoying himself you tightened your grip in his hair, “Back to me, Pup,” you said. Chan dove back in eagerly, dragging his tongue between your folds and around your clit, letting out an occasional moan as Younghyun fingered him. The vibrations from the little noises Chan was making were sending waves of pleasure up your spine.

Chan pulled away from you just enough to speak, “More, please, I need more,” he begged.

“Aw,” Younghyun cooed, “Want me to fill you up, Pup?”

“Yes, please, I just need-” Chan rambled, his voice shaky from how desperate he was.

“Okay, let’s move things around so we can make your dreams come true,” Younghyun said as he pulled his fingers out of Chan, drawing a small whine from the younger boy.

You sat up and moved over to the side before patting the mattress where you were laying, “C’mere, Pup, lay down,” you instructed. Chan was quick to react, settling into the position you wanted and allowing you to tuck a pillow under his hips while Younghyun got up to search through the pockets of his pants.

Younghyun smiled triumphantly as he pulled two condoms out of his pocket and held them up for the two of you to see, “I always come prepared,” he said as he tossed one to you.

You caught it easily, “Horndog,” you muttered as you tore open the foil.

“Hey, you love how horny i am,” Younghyun said as he opened up the condom he still had in his hands and tossed the foil onto the pile of clothes.

You chuckled, “I guess you’re alright,” you said, opting to place your trash on the table next to the bed.

“Guys,” Chan whined, “Your flirting is so cute but I’m so hard I think I might die,” he pouted as the two of you turned your attention back to him.

“You’re right, Pup, you need attention,” you cooed, reaching forward to wrap your hand around his dick, running your thumb over the slit and collecting the precum that was there. You used it to help the glide as you stroked him slowly, relishing in the way he gasped and moaned from the first contact to his dick all night. You let him enjoy it for a few moments before slipping the condom onto his dick, “You ready, Pup?” you asked.

“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life,” Chan whined as Younghyun positioned himself between the younger boys legs. As Younghyun got into position you swung your leg across Chans waist and moved so you were straddling him. You reached down and wrapped a hand around his dick to line it up with your entrance. You teased him for a few seconds, dragging his dick up and down between your folds and waiting until he started to squirm. “Ah- please,” he begged, looking up at you with puppy dog eyes, his hands gripped the sheets at his sides tightly as he tried to keep himself from bucking up into you.

Finally, you decided to have mercy, letting out a low moan as you sank down on his dick, keeping your pace slow as you settled down in his lap. You stayed still, letting yourself adjust to his size before beginning to grind down, rocking back and forth and enjoying the feeling of him filling you up.

“My turn,” Younghyun said and you stilled your movements, lifting yourself up slightly to allow Younghyun to push himself forward and line himself up with Chan’s entrance. “I’m gonna move slow, Pup, if you need me to stop just say so,” he said, being sure to make eye contact with Chan to make sure he understood. Chan nodded quickly, his hands gripping the sheets so tightly that his knuckles were white. You reached down and grabbed his hands, moving them to your hips before leaning down to kiss him deeply. You felt his grip on your hips tighten as Younghyun pushed into him, disconnecting the kiss to allow him to take a deep breath and relax. You brought a hand up to cup his cheek, rubbing your thumb soothingly across his skin to help keep him relaxed until Younghyun was pressed fully into him.

You sat back up, trying to help Chan adjust to the feeling of being filled by beginning to ride him slowly. “M-Move, please,” Chan gasped out after a few seconds.

“As you wish,” Younghyun responded, trying his best to sound put together but you could tell the feeling of being inside Chan was getting to him. He began to pull out slowly, making sure that Chan showed no signs of pain before pushing back in.

“More, please, more,” Chan begged, his grip on your hips was definitely tight enough to leave bruises as both you and Younghyun began to pick up the pace. You felt Younghyun bring his hand up to your waist, trailing it slowly around to your front to press his fingers to your clit.

“So fucking tight,” Younghyun groaned, you could hear the slap of skin on skin contact as he snapped his hips roughly into the boy beneath you.

Chan was a mess, his moans were high pitched and cracking and his face was scrunched up, you could tell that he was struggling to hold off his orgasm. The combined sensations of you riding him and Younghyun fucking him were proving to be too much for him to handle. “You gonna cum for us, Pup?” you asked, trying your hardest to keep your voice steady though you were pretty worked up yourself.

“God, fuck, ah- can I?” he asked, barely managing to slip the words out between moans.

“Hold on just a little bit longer, Pup,” Younghyun gasped out, his hand beginning to work faster on your clit, trying to make up for the fact that his rhythm was falling apart as he got closer to the edge.

Chan whined in response, his body tensing as he tried desperately to hold back his orgasm. You focused on your own pleasure for a moment, trying to push yourself closer to the edge, not wanting to make him suffer much longer.

To your surprise, Younghyun was the first to cum, letting out a low groan as he released into the condom, his hips slowing down as his hand completely stopped before he pulled out of Chan slowly. You were quick to replace his fingers with your own, bouncing up and down in Chan’s lap quickly as you got closer to your orgasm. “Cum for me, Pup,” you gasped out once you were finally on the edge.

He was quick to comply, spilling his load into the condom with a loud cry. It only took a few more bounces before you were cumming too, clenching around him and causing him to whine from the slight overstimulation. Your hand slowed down on your clit, working yourself through your orgasm before slowing to a stop.

You lifted yourself off of Chan, moving to the side before pulling the condom off of his dick and tying it off, searching around for a trashcan for a second before just setting it on top of the wrapper on the table. “I need a nap,” Younghyun sighed, flopping down next to Chan after having already disposed of his condom.

“I don’t think I could walk out of here even if I wanted to,” Chan said, trying to catch his breath.

“Well we can’t stay here all night, this isn’t our house,” you reminded the boys.

“I say, we nap here for a little bit and then we carry Channie back to our place for round 2,” Younghyun said with a smile, putting an arm around the younger boy and tugging him closer.

“Round 2?” Chan asked, surprise evident in his voice.

You chuckled, giving in and laying down on the other side of Chan, “Well yeah, I hope you didn’t think this was a one time thing,” you said.

“That was fantastic, there’s no way I’m letting you go after this,” Younghyun said, snuggling up to Chan’s side and letting out a content sigh.

“S-So does that mean...?” Chan trailed off, his eyes flitting back and forth between the two of you.

“We can discuss the details after sleepyhead gets a nap,” you said nodding towards Younghyun who was somehow already asleep, “For now just enjoy the cuddles.” You mirrored Younghyun, snuggling up to Chan’s side and letting your eyes flutter closed.

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