#Out of Time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lostinlewis · 1 year

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Out of Time ~ Part Two

Rating: M

Words: 21,635

Character: Lewis Hamilton

Description: Attempting to navigate a world you never asked to be a part of is never easy, it is even harder when that world has provided you with a man that the world wants a piece of. He’s your daughter’s dad but can you ever really trust him?

•

If home was a person, he would be listed as a mansion, a stately home that had sheltered some of the worlds richest and most royal, one of the grandest in the world, a sight that marvelled every passer-by and filled the average person with the envy of wanting their own home to rival the one that sheltered you.

You often thought to yourself that the world would be a much more harmonious place if everyone had a Lewis in their life. Comfort and security are natural instincts within all humans, it has them acting out irrationally as they seek it in places and people they really shouldn’t. If everyone had a Lewis, if everyone was granted the luxury of being made to feel secure every day of their lives, the world would be a much happier place.

He was the kind of home money couldn’t buy, he was the warmth with no fire, he was filled with love with no expectations, he was your home.

He was where you sought solitude, he was where you sought shelter and he was there to cushion every blow life threw your way. He was happiness, he was strength, he was the place you felt most content, he was where your day started and where it ended too, he was home.

Lewis had been home for you and with you for over a year now yet neither one of you had braved the conversation of which land, bricks and mortar you would settle in, the place you would both regard as home traditionally, opting instead to always stay in your house as a base, or one of his when you travelled the world.

Home was a person to the both of you in every way, you didn’t feel the need to seek a permanent shelter, nor did you care much for land, instead it was when you were together that you felt at home, the location was irrelevant.

If it was just the two of you then there would be no need to seek out material shelter, no craving for a stability that having a base allowed, but it wasn’t just the two of you, it had never been just the two of you, and so the importance of a house to call home was becoming increasingly more prominent.

It was time, you needed a home, your family needed a home and more importantly Bambi needed a home now, she needed routine, something neither one of you had been able to provide her for her entire almost five years. It was time to prioritise normality for the daughter you both worshipped the bones of, it was time you both grew up and settled down, whatever that looked like for a racing driver who travelled the world weekly.

If someone were to ask you for your favourite thing that Lewis did, the thing that makes you fall in love with him over and over again, it wouldn’t be the fancy gifts, nor would it be the luxury that came with travelling with him, it was something so unique, something completely free, something that you treasured and missed when he wasn’t home, something that you weren’t even sure Lewis knew that he did.

Your favourite thing that Lewis does happens in the early hours of a morning, when Lewis’ hold on your body has loosened to near nothing, when the hours since he fell asleep spooning you had naturally pulled you apart, he would draw you in closer to him, his arms wrapped tightly around your body as if afraid you might disappear if he didn’t feel you at all times, and his lips found the back of your neck where he would kiss you, a long deep kiss to remind you that even when he was only semi conscious and barely aware at all, he still loved you with his whole being, and there was not a thing he did that felt more special that that very moment.

You wondered how many times something had to be repeated for it to become routine, you were pretty certain that it was only on week two of Lewis being back in your life permanently that you all fell into the ritual that happened every morning that he was home now without fail, and this morning was no exception.

“I love you…”

His voice was faint, barely audible, but you felt it, you felt the sincerity in his words, you felt the warming tickle of his breath against the back of your neck and you shivered, drawing your body closer to him, if that was even possible.

Lewis moved his hand down your side, brushing over your curves with a hand that appeared to be on a mission, until it found where it wanted to be; cradling your lower stomach.

“Let me…”

It was a mixture of it being the early hours of the morning, his half awake state and his fear of rejection that made his words lack sense, but you knew what he was asking of you, it wasn’t the first time and it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

“I can’t wait until you’re ready.”

The truth was that the place in which you would live wasn’t the only thing that hung heavy and unspoken over your heads, communication had never been the strongest tool of your relationship and despite the work you had done to get better at it, there was blockage both of you couldn’t seem to move around, both of you scared of rocking what had been quite the stable ship since you had reunited.

“Soon…”

The word you had used in response to his hinting many times before, a time marker that really was not a marker at all but a glimmer of hope; soon. Soon could mean tomorrow, soon could also mean next year, the truth was that you knew that you couldn’t afford to say yes to something as life changing as another child with any kind of doubt in your mind, and there certainly was doubt present.

Instead you opted for the cowards answer, silence. You laid frozen in your spot, his hand cradling a part of you he wished to fill, as you hoped he would soon lose interest in the idea. The last thing you wanted to do was go through a pregnancy, and experience all of the firsts alone, it had hurt too much the first time.

You could count the minutes from when Lewis first stirred to pull you into him until you heard the pitter patter of tiny toes on the floor in the hallway, Bambi was on her way.

She never made a sound as she entered the room, she didn’t even need light to guide her, drawn purely on where she felt the most love in the room she would climb up onto your bed and squeeze herself in between you both, gently and carefully trying to not wake you, of course you both pretended to sleep right through it, anything to give her a little win.

Bambi always clung to Lewis more and you understood, to her he was still a treat, you had been the permanent fixture in her life from day one, daddy had always had to leave, it made sense that she still wasn’t convinced that he was there to stay.

She would fall back to sleep in an instant, as soon as she lay her head where the lion roared on Lewis’ chest she was back into the most peaceful of sleeps, content that her favourite man in the world was with her for another day.

Lewis was so thorough and unselfish with his love, not content with just one of his girls feeling the love he always made sure both of you did. With Bambi curled against him fast asleep he raised his arm up above his head, not caring that he would soon lose all feeling within it, he waited for your hand to find him and so that was how you slept until sunrise broke, those moments really were the true definition of peace.

Bambi was always clingy with Lewis but this morning she was stuck to him like glue. Not happy enough with sitting on his hip as he moved about the house with her, her face still read the foulest of pouts, like no amount of Lewis was enough; you knew that feeling all too well.

“What’s wrong with you little miss?”

You attempted to make her smile with a light tease and a flick of her nose but that was of no use, you knew why she was sad, and so did Lewis.

“How about daddy makes us all his special breakfast before he has to get ready?”

Bambi’s face lit up very briefly as her dad suggested her favourite breakfast, if there was one thing that could make her happy it was food, yet another trait she got from her father.

“And if you’re a good girl, I can put on your playlist whilst I cook too. Sounds good?”

No words left her lips, they never normally would when she was sad, instead she nodded her head ferociously before Lewis set her down to stand beside him as he gathered the ingredients he needed to begin.

It was hard not to lust after him, impossible even. As he stood over the stove frying his omelettes, naked but for a pair of shorts that you had mentally taken off of him a thousand times already, he had never been more attractive to you.

Muscles tore through his skin as if he had been sculpted by a god, his skin glowed like he had covered it in a glitter that shimmered when even the faintest of light hit it, his loose curls were allowed to flow and flow they did, bobbing in time to his shaking of his hips as the music rang through your house. How did you get so lucky?

Your want for him had never been so strong, sure your relationship had started as purely physical anyway, but the want for him now was quite overwhelming at times. There was nothing in the world more attractive to you than watching the man you loved be a father, it also helped that he was quite possibly the finest specimen of a man to ever exist.

Knowing you could not make an advance on him due to the fact that neither one of you wanted to traumatise your daughter, you did your best to resist, to hold back from jumping on him and instead you settled for joining him as he cooked, sliding a palm over his incredibly smooth back before settling it on his hip as he kissed your forehead.

Lewis was always big on wanting your daughter to see a man love a woman how she deserved, he made no apologies for the way he so openly loved you in front of her, he wanted to always be the standard of man she would seek out and so he made sure the home was filled with love at all times, and in turn you felt like the luckiest woman in the world.

“Maybe we can…you know…get a few minutes to ourselves before I leave?”

His words were teased against your skin as he never quite broke your kiss, holding the small of your back, his thumb stroking at the waistband of your pants to tell you of his want to be a lot more risque.

“I’m counting on it, Sir.”

Lewis was driven crazy by the way you called him Sir, you never overdid it, in fact you barely even said it at all, but you knew the power it held, you knew the tingle that ran through his body as soon as he heard it, and you felt the growl, the little moan of frustration as he fought off the effects of the word so he could return to making breakfast.

“Shit…that’s not fair…”

You smirked at him as you left him to cook in peace, content with knowing that now he was as equally as overwhelmed with want as you were, knowing that there was no way on this earth he would be leaving to catch his flight without satisfying that urge for you, somehow you always got what you wanted from him and soon you would have him.

Bambi hadn’t taken her eyes off of him, she never dared to when he was in the room. You saw it, you saw the years of loving him and having to say goodbye in the same breath, you saw the admiration pour out of every part of her as she looked at her daddy, her hero, as she ate the meal he so lovingly made for her.

“Where are you going again, daddy?”

Bambi’s question was born from the hope she had that he would answer with ‘nowhere’ but he couldn’t, as much as he wanted to and he really wanted to.

“To America baby girl, you remember the house we stayed at when we went to visit Roscoe last year? That’s where Daddy will be for the next week.”

Both of you knew the next question was coming, it always did, both of you knew what the reaction to the answer would be too, it was always the same.

“For a race?”

Lewis sighed silently as he prepared to disappoint her. Bambi could handle her daddy leaving to race, in fact she quite enjoyed watching it on the television screaming for him to win, but she could never accept him leaving for any other reason, work or not.

To her that was unacceptable, her dad was a racing driver, he had no need to conduct interviews on television shows, nor did he need to do photoshoots for fashion brands, her dad was a racing driver and when he wasn’t racing he should be at home with her being a father, something Lewis was feeling the pressure of more and more as time went by.

“No Bambi, I have a few little events I have to take part in. I will be back home as soon as I can, I promise.”

“Hmph.”

“Come on baby girl, you know I hate leaving you…”

Both of you held your breaths as the little girl finally looked away from him, placing her cutlery down on the plate as she appeared to gather herself. She really was wise beyond her years, it was quite impressive to witness really.

“Can I come too?”

Bambi looked at Lewis with purpose, she looked at him with a daring look almost, taunting him into denying her just so the tears of heartbreak that would flow after would sting extra hard for him. She knew what she was doing, she knew she was asking him to do the impossible.

“You don’t want to, it will be boring, you will be home most of the time and I will be out, it will not be like a holiday and you will hardly see me...”

Her bottom lip dropped and began to quiver as she anticipated the no she was certain was about to be thrown her way.

“Can we come too, Lewis?”

Lewis and Bambi turned to look at you in a shocked unison, their matching eyes staring at you with amazement that for once, it was you that suggested you travelled together, that was certainly a first.

“You really want to come with me to America?”

You would try to play it off as the best thing for Bambi, not wanting her to be separated from her dad for very long and you were right, but if you were completely honest your reasoning for the suggestion was selfish. You did not want to be separated from Lewis either, not if you could help it.

“I do…we always miss Daddy when he is away don’t we?”

You threw the question to your still amazed four year old who held the fork at her lips in anticipation. It was a cop out of a question, of course you did, you still despite everything could not admit the sheer scale of your emotions that surrounded Lewis and often you would seek comfort in expressing them through your daughter.

It had been over a year now since you found your way back to each other, a year full of laughter, happiness and joy, yet still, deep down inside of you, there was lingering uncertainty that stopped you from fully admitting that despite having lived most of your life without him by your side, it was now quite unbearable when he was gone.

“Please Daddy!”

Bambi turned her excitement towards Lewis as he stayed staring at you in disbelief. As far as he was concerned you hated travelling, you hated the spotlight and you certainly hated LA.

“You better go get yourself packed baby girl, we have a flight to catch in two hours!”

Lewis helped your daughter from her chair before she ran upstairs to gather everything and anything she owned to take with her to America.

“Are you sure you want to come? I know you don’t really enjoy LA…”

His hands found your hips as you stood at the sink cleaning the dishes, his lips found the base of your neck with the softest of kisses, humming into your skin without intention, just love.

“I suggested it silly, of course I do. And, I don’t hate LA, it’s just…it just doesn’t feel like home to me.”

Lewis was smooth with the way he turned you to face him, taking your chin into the cup of his hand as he placed a kiss on your lips.

“Mhmm, to me anywhere you are feels like home, and besides…you might like LA this time? Malibu has some real pretty houses, maybe we could take a look whilst we are out there?”

You humoured him with a smile already knowing that no matter how much you enjoyed LA, no matter how beautiful the houses were, you would never want to live there. It wouldn’t be the first time you sacrificed your happiness for Lewis’, it wouldn’t be the first time you moved to a different country to be where he wanted, or needed, to be but you knew the mistakes and the repercussions of the previous choices you made, you were not prepared to relive them just to move to LA. How many times can a woman sacrifice everything she knows for the man she loves?

It was quite something how fast you had become accustomed to flying on private jets, so much so you even had a little routine. Bambi would always be so over excited to fly that she would only sit with Lewis for take off before she would quickly fall asleep in his lap for the rest of the journey, he always made sure a bed was set up for her where it was quiet in the back, and then it was just the two of you in the cabin, just the two of you with several hours to kill in the air.

“Mmm there’s my girl.”

Lewis helped you down into the gap between his legs as you made your way back to your seat after checking on your daughter, wrapping his arm around your waist so he could pull you in closer to him, if that was even possible.

“I’m so glad you wanted to come with me, I would have hated being away from you for so long.”

“Mhm, feels like you would have.”

You teased him as you rolled your ass back into his lap, he had been hard from the moment you sat down with him, his inability to conceal how he felt about you was always something you loved.

The tip of his nose tickled your neck as he pecked at the sensitive skin with kisses, whilst he felt you lull into a state of pure ecstasy with very little effort, he grazed his fingers under the waistband of the leggings that rested at your hips, giving in to his more earnest of desires, something neither one of you were afforded much of nowadays.

He heard you gasp as his fingers quickly found your heat, tracing a soft yet powerful swirl across the panties that were soaked with your excitement already.

“Ssh baby, be quiet for me and I will make you feel so good. Can you do that?”

Lewis was testing you immediately, before you even had a chance to answer him he effortlessly moved your panties to the side to trace a finger through your wetness. The deep breath he let out sounded like relief, an addiction being satisfied; his addiction was you.

You bit down on your bottom lip to nod your head with uncertainty, you would try to be quiet, you really would, but the power this man had over you, how easy he found pleasing you, would make it quite impossible to stifle the sounds he forced out of you.

“Can you feel how hard I am for you?”

Lewis whispered the words into your ear as he teased your clit with the pad of his middle finger, gentle circling that held just enough pressure to make sure you were squirming in his lap, rolling your hips back without thought as you longed for the hardness that throbbed under you, to fill you with all of its might.

“Mhm, I need…”

He giggled as he broke your sentence with a nibble on your ear, he knew you needed it, that was never a doubt in his mind, but he also knew he had to stop you before it became impossible for him to not give it to you, this was the last place he could give into all of his desires, he needed to cling onto the last very small piece of control he had, for both of your sakes.

“Soon, I promise. Now relax and let me make you feel good, baby…”

It was hypnotic the way in which his words whispered against the skin of your neck, broken with soft kisses to replace them after each syllable, as he played with your pussy in ways that even you could not replicate.

You felt so vulnerable in his lap, your legs parted so your feet rested on his knees, one of his hands down your leggings whilst the other held you tight towards him. He wanted you to feel good, he wanted you to feel safe, and he wanted you to know that no matter where in the world you were, no matter the skies in which you found yourselves in, he loved you all the same.

There were no interruptions of thought, you were completely and utterly lost in the moment as he took you to highs of pleasure unmatched.

“You are so beautiful…”

Lewis could see nothing of you really, yet he purred words of attraction at you anyway, to him you would always be the most beautiful woman in any room, or plane, and as he felt the familiar tells of you reaching your peak, he pulled you closer with his spare hand finding its way up to your mouth.

He covered it at first but that didn’t feel right, sure he wanted you to be as quiet as possible, but he sought your silence in a different way. His middle finger traced the line in which your lips met, begging for entry you so eagerly gave him.

One finger turned into two and very quickly your mouth found a distraction that was far better than sound, a soothing in the throws of desire as you suckled on his digits.

“There we go, you have such perfect lips…now, let it go for me…”

It was as if your body always waited for his permission and as soon as he gave his command the explosion of ecstasy rippled through your body, tides of pleasure washing over you as you shook in his lap, his fingers slowly teasing you into a state of submission until all you could do was let out a little whimper of mercy, to which he replied with a breathy giggle and a kiss on your cheek before he removed both fingers from inside of you.

The rest of the flight was spent in your happy place, cuddled up in his lap as you both drifted in and out of the most contented sleep whilst your little girl slept a few seats away from you too.

Often you wondered what you had done in your past life to be granted such luck in this one, that was the thing about spending time with Lewis, he made you forget any troubles you had, any turbulence you had in your relationship in the past, all that mattered in that moment was the family that were travelling over the Atlantic Ocean, that was all that ever really mattered now.

Lewis’ home in Malibu was the largest he had, land that sprawled for what felt like miles and held both a basketball and a tennis court separate, with a pool big enough to host an Olympic event too yet it didn’t stand out on his street, his neighbours being the likes of Oscar winners and top athletes, all of their houses rivalled his and so no one really batted an eyelid at who pulled into his driveway as they went about their own lives too.

It was the interior that you disliked the most though, it was so very basic, so very unhomely, it screamed out as a bachelor pad, it told of many days and nights spent partying, and you knew deep down that every room held memories with women that weren’t you. How could you ever want to live in a place in which your man had thousands of fond memories that didn’t involve you?

Bambi loved LA, of course. His home sat on the beach which meant she could spend hours building sandcastles and paddling in the ocean whilst you both sat watching from the deck with drinks in your hands.

“I wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow, I could spend the whole week sitting here with you watching Bambi play…”

You were sat in between his legs once more, a place you often found yourself in when time allowed it.

“You’ll only be gone for one night, we will be right here when you get back.”

“One night away from you is too many, I have missed so many nights over the years, no amount of time feels like it is enough…”

“Well maybe we can make the night you get back extra special…”

Lewis knew by the look in your eyes that you were thinking the dirtiest of thoughts and he was right, there was something special about being overseas with him, something in the air that made your unwavering desire for him even more rampant.

“Maybe we can make tonight extra special too?”

It was only the sounds of your daughter running up the decking that broke a kiss you had begun what felt like hours before, pulling away from each other just in time to be dove on by a damp child as she handed you a shell.

“For you mummy.”

“Thank you, Bambi. Are you having fun?”

Bambi did this thing when she sat on Lewis’ knee, she would place both of her hands either side of it and tap her fingers in a constant rhythm, she had been doing it forever and it had only gotten more adorable as the years went by.

“So much fun but I am hungry, can we get food Daddy?”

“Sure princess, what would you like?”

“Burgers!”

Her answer came without hesitation, as if she had planned it on the way up to the decking, and so Lewis lifted her back onto her feet as he took her hand.

“Is mummy coming too?”

There was something about him referring to you as mummy that made butterflies flutter in your stomach, it was those moments that made the decision you both took that fateful night feel like it was meant to be, like you were born to be the parents of your little girl, like everything that had happened in your lives, every character than had existed even if for only a short time, had the sole purpose of helping you find each other and create the little girl that had copied her face entirely from her father and her personality entirely from you.

“I think I’ll stay here and catch the last of the sun before it sets, if that’s okay with you both?”

You didn’t expect Bambi to answer, she was already pulling her dad's hand so they could leave but Lewis did, he always answered you.

“Whatever makes you happy baby, I’ll bring you home something nice I promise.”

You shared a smile of contentment, of love, of knowing that in that very moment you were both the luckiest people in the world, your daughter’s giggles as he playfully chased her through the home cemented that as fact.

There was something so peaceful about the ocean, as the tide gently crashed against the sand, drawing closer and closer to where you sat, you stared out over the horizon at the pastel orange and pink colours that decorated the sky, thinking of how very thankful you were to be there in that moment.

Everything in life had worked against you so far and your relationship with Lewis was no exception to that rule, yet somehow, fate had lead you to the Malibu beach you sat on gazing at the sunset, waiting for Lewis to come home with you daughter, a far cry from the nights you had spent alone in his Monaco apartment as he travelled the world without you. Now you had everything he promised you from the moment he found out you were pregnant, stability, love and family.

The scars left over from the beginning of your story were almost worth it, no longer did they burn like they were new, you barely even remembered they happened most of the time now.

Happiness is a funny thing really, it has you walking around in a daze, a cloud of comfort hangs over your head and a bubble of bliss wraps all around you. Happiness was all you could feel as you walked through the house, touching every surface as if it was brand new, a skip to your step that you very rarely had.

It was as you stared into the grand mirror in his hallway that you first thought to yourself that you could live there, it really wasn’t that bad and if it meant you could spend most of your time under this cloud of happiness, you would be stupid to deny that for yourself.

You could hear his car pull into the driveway, loud music drowned out what you were sure was two voices singing along to every word of the song. As you heard the second car door close something caught your eye on the floor behind you, the reflection of light bouncing from the mirror to the metal on the floor made it sparkle as if it was an item in a video game, a rare item that most players missed.

You almost missed it, you almost missed the collectible item that would grant you the full picture in the video game that was your life, and as you stood with it in the palm of your hand you wished to the high heavens that you could rewind time just by a minute, just enough to make it so you wouldn’t notice it, so you wouldn’t be holding the bracelet in your hand, one that was so delicate you could only imagine what had happened to make the woman lose it under the side table in the hallway. Your stomach twinged with a pang of realisation that it hadn’t been there the last time you had visited the home, that the bracelet was new, the bracelet had found its temporary home in the house you were considering living in just moments ago, in the short time you and Lewis had been back together.

Of course he had other women, you thought yourself foolish for thinking otherwise. Out of sight, out of mind, you knew all too well how it went.

“Mummy, mummy…we got you the biggest burger in the world…”

Bambi hollered through the empty but for the pain you felt, hallway as she ran into the house, her dad trailing behind her with the same smile he left the house with less than an hour before, carrying bags of far too much food than the three of you needed.

“Did you?”

The strength of a mother trying to hold it together in front of her child is unmatched, inside you were crumbling, spiralling, unable to think straight, yet the look on your face, the smile you threw back at Bambi as she wrapped her arms around your legs, told her nothing of the turmoil you felt.

“...and we met Daddy’s friend!”

“Oh you did, which friend?”

There were about a thousand friends Bambi could have been talking about that would have made you think nothing at all, a hundred friends you probably knew yourself, but of course the universe wasn’t done tormenting you yet, the final blow had yet to come.

“I don’t know her name but she was so pretty, Daddy said she was something called a supermodel…I want to be a supermodel when I grow up!”

Bambi ran off through the hallway unaware of the grenade she had just dropped in the space between both you and Lewis. You couldn’t be sure but on a normal day you may not have even flinched at the thought of him being friends with supermodels, but not today, not as the bracelet of one of his conquests lay in the palm of your hand hidden by your now closed fingers.

Lewis must have felt the shift in you, you hadn’t yet even looked in his direction but he could sense something was wrong. He dropped the food bags on the table where you stood and wrapped his arms around you, his attempt at asking if you were okay.

It was imperative that you did not make a scene in front of Bambi, and whilst she was in another room, that was still too close for you to really speak your mind so instead you pulled away from his hug, unravelled yourself from his hold and just looked at him, a look that you hoped told him of all of your thoughts without you even having to say them.

“Here…I think your friend dropped this.”

You held your closed grasp over his open hand before you dropped the bracelet into his palm, turning away from him immediately once you were free of it.

Lewis didn’t say a thing, he didn’t chase after you or even ask you what that was all about, you took his silence as an admission of guilt and headed towards the room in which your daughter played with her My Little Ponies, awaiting her food.

“Baby…”

Lewis grabbed your wrist as you walked past him in the bedroom that night, he had settled Bambi to sleep in her room before he crept back into the bedroom you shared, the one in which you were grabbing your stuff before you headed into the spare room.

“What?”

Your word was sharp, every letter of the word spoken in a way to make it sting as it hit his ear drums. The look you gave him was even more vicious, you had barely looked at him at all that night, you had barely wanted to speak to him but now you were alone, you had no choice.

“Talk to me, please.”

Despite you shooting daggers from your eyes at his hand wrapped around your wrist, he never once let off, instead he held onto you tighter, staring you directly in your eyes as if to tell you that you were not leaving without talking to him.

“Who is she?”

His face screwed up in confusion for a moment before the most annoying of smiles appeared on it.

“Is this all because of the woman we bumped into this evening? She’s an acquaintance at best, she worked on a project for Tommy when I did too and…”

“Does she own the bracelet?”

He was shocked with the vitriol in your voice as you spoke, the urgency for answers that you appeared to already have assumed in your head.

“What? No.”

“Did you fuck her, Lewis?”

The smile dropped from his face, finally the seriousness of the situation had hit him and he pulled you closer to him.

“No…I did not fuck her.”

“But you fucked someone, that bracelet, it wasn’t there when we came here last year…you fucked someone Lewis, you had someone here when I was sat at home a thousand miles away waiting for you and…and…”

The strength of a mother is often only present in the company of her child, for the strength is fed by their presence and completely worn out in their absence, and so you cried. It wasn’t an ugly cry, it wasn’t a loud cry, it was a stream of tears that forced their way down your cheeks with little effort as you looked at the man who had not yet denied it.

In any other moment at any other time he would have wiped the tears away from your cheeks firstly but not now, not today, today he needed to show you how wrong you were first.

In one fell swoop he lifted you up to rest on his forearms as he kissed you, he kissed you hard, he kissed you with enough passion to fill a thousand broken hearts, he kissed you until he had you laid on the bed, your legs wrapped around him and his hands cradling your face.

“Baby I haven’t…I promise you, I swear on my life, I swear on everything that I haven’t…I love you, only you…”

His kisses trailed down your neck, you didn’t fight him but instead you froze, stuck in a place of not knowing whether or not to believe him, and wanting what he was saying to be true more than anything.

“I would never jeopardise you again, it’s only you…”

You weren't quite sure how it happened so quickly but you had gone from tears one moment to being eaten out on the bed the next.

“Lewis…”

Your whispered moans cried out between a bite of your lip, you were just stubborn enough to not give him the satisfaction of your own, but weak enough to give him just a little.

“Lewis…please…”

It wasn’t an orgasm you begged for this time, it was him. You pulled him up to your level and scanned his face for any tells of a lie. All you found was your pleasure beads in his beard and his lips red from hunger for you.

“I promise you, it’s only you…it will only ever be you…”

You believed him, you had no reason to really and evidence to the contrary but something about the sincerity in his eyes, the way his words were just desperate enough to warrant honesty but not rouse suspicion. You believed him, you had to believe him.

It had only been a matter of days since you had felt him but it still felt as exciting as the first time. Lewis pushed inside of you and you gasped, he gasped too, there was a feeling that happened in the first push, a feeling that was so indescribable but completely overwhelming at the same time, you had been sleeping with this man for an incredibly long time now, yet the feeling still took you by surprise.

You had always found the term ‘love making’ cringey, a term used only in fairytales and in love stories, no one actually ‘made love’ in real life you had thought, that was before Lewis showed you differently.

There was no rush about his movements, slow heavy drives into you as your lips locked together to taste each others moans, he made love to you, he made you feel loved as he fucked you, he showed you with every stroke that his words had meaning, that despite his past, despite the fact that he could have any woman in the world, it was you, it would always be you.

“Daddy…mummy…”

His head fell onto yours for a second as you both sighed in frustration, this was certainly not the first time you had been interrupted and you were certain it would not be the last. It was far harder recently though, no longer did Bambi wait in bed for one of you, she was older now so she took it upon herself to come to you instead.

It was a matter of seconds from Lewis jumping off of you, to your daughter arriving in the room rubbing one eye with the back of her fingers as she stood in the doorway waiting for you.

“What’s wrong pretty girl?”

You were the only one in a fit state to tend to her and so you did, you ushered her back to her bedroom.

“I can hear the ocean, can we go and play in it?”

“Bambi, it is the middle of the night! We can’t go and play in it now, maybe in the morning.”

“Yes we can, mummy.”

Lewis hadn’t moved from under the covers yet for obvious reasons, but his voice still bounded around the room towards you both. You shot him a look that asked if he was serious, a scowl that told him of how you didn’t approve, yet he didn’t falter.

“Bambi go and get on a coat and we will all go for a little paddle in the sea.”

And so you did, in the early hours of the Malibu morning, as the sun dared to begin to wake in the distance, the three of you stood with your feet in the ocean, your hands locked together and smiles that could not be wiped away on your faces.

“I love my girls.”

Lewis locked eyes with you, a gaze that told you how much he meant every word he said to you that night.

“And your girls love you too.”

The bed felt unnervingly spacious as you woke, your hand reached out to feel the warmth of a body, somebody, but found only the creases in the sheets of where those bodies had once been.

You listened out for any clues to their whereabouts but heard nothing but the ocean outside and the occasional chirp of a bird.

It was only as you made your way into the living room that you saw the first clue of your families whereabouts, a folded note left at the bottom of freshly cut roses in a beautiful vase.

‘Good morning sleeping beauty,

We have gone shopping for some clothes

Enjoy the quiet for a while,

I have had your favourite breakfast delivered and it is warming in the oven, Mornings in Malibu are made for breakfast by the ocean.

I love you, L x’

Lewis never failed to surprise you, even when the day should have been about him as he was flying out that night to Vegas, he still made it all about you. You took his advice, choosing the perfect spot on the decking to catch the morning sun, you sat for what felt like hours, eating your breakfast and drinking your coffee.

Could you get used to this lifestyle? Would you be happy in Malibu? Despite everything that happened yesterday, you still considered the possibility.

If Malibu only contained moments such as this, and moments such as last night in the ocean, of course you could, but deep down you knew that this wasn’t all Malibu had to offer. Malibu held his secrets, the years in which you were a side character in his life, the years in which he was running free in the world, successful, rich and good looking, Malibu held those moments in her bank waiting for the right moment to bring them to the surface.

Malibu was beautiful, Malibu was peaceful but you knew Malibu also held a woman Lewis had been with around every corner. You were strong, sure, but there was no amount of strength in the world that would let you sit in a restaurant with your family whilst a woman at a table across from you remembered a night of passion she shared with your man.

Malibu could never be home really, could it?

There were so many bags that it took Lewis three trips back to the car to retrieve them all. He delivered bags into Bambi’s room, a selection of clothes and toys, and placed some more in the room you shared.

“Baby, I got you something…”

You expected jewellery, it was almost always jewellery when Lewis said he got you something and this time was no exception. On the bed lay a cartier box with the most beautiful necklace inside, a white gold chain that held an emblem of diamonds at the bottom with the word ‘love’ engraved.

“Lewis, it’s beautiful…you didn’t have to…”

You attempted to kiss him to thank him for the gift but he was distracted by something else across the room.

“But I did, take a look in those bags, the necklace is a little something to go with them…”

He was directing you towards two bags that were placed neatly by the bed, one Valentino and one Dior, with matching boxes beside each of them.

The Valentino dress, a black embroidered crepe couture dress, made your eyes widen with risk at how much of the dress was missing, it would bare practically the whole of your midriff and leave very little to the imagination.

The Dior dress, also black, left a little more to the imagination, lace decorated the neckline and the hem fell to your knee. It was more elegant, more sophisticated, yet you knew it would compliment your figure just the same.

“So which one will you wear?”

You could hear by the excitement in his voice that he had no patience waiting for you to react.

“Wear? Where am I going?”

“To Vegas with me, tonight…”

You looked back at the dresses to choose before your brain even processed the invitation that he had fired your way.

“Vegas? I can’t…what about Bambi?”

“Already got that covered, my dad is in town this week so he’s going to spend some quality time with his granddaughter whilst I spend some quality time with her mum.”

Lewis couldn’t keep his hands off of you, both of them falling to your hips, he shuffled towards you as he caught your lips in a kiss.

“I can’t leave her, Lewis. I can’t…”

You felt an immediate pang of guilt as you turned down his proposal, but he didn’t seem surprised, as if he was expecting you to put up a fight.

“Yes you can, it’s two nights and she will be with family…you can give me two nights of you, can’t you baby?”

He tried to convince you with more kisses, his lips were always a good negotiating tactic but it would take more than that to get you to leave your daughter overnight, something you had never done before.

“But what if something happens? We will be so far away and…”

“Nothing is going to happen. Come with me…”

Lewis took your hand to lead you back out onto the decking, you could hear your daughter chattering away with her new toys, content in her own company as her parents snuck off for some private time.

“I was thinking yesterday, when you were annoyed with me, that I don’t actually know you.”

“Why do you need me to be outside to tell me that I am a stranger to you, Lewis?”

You would have been offended if the statement wasn’t so comical. Of course he knew you, he was forced to know you five years ago and he has known you ever since.

“Because I want you to look at the ocean, to see how vast it is, to see how big the world is and realise that we have so much more of it to explore together…”

“We have been to more countries than most couples do in their lifetime? I’m confused, where are you going with this?”

“You can be so frustrating sometimes woman, will you just let me finish…”

Lewis giggled as he moved behind you, holding the hands you had placed on the rail, he kissed your exposed neck before finishing the story he had tried to start many times in the last five minutes.

“I know you as Bambi’s mum, I know you as the woman who was forced into motherhood unplanned and took to it like an expert, I know you as the reason our daughter is as incredibly smart and as compassionate as she is…but I don’t know you…”

Lewis felt you begin to protest once again and stopped you with another kiss on your neck, a move that always silenced you.

“I’ve only ever known you as Bambi’s mum, and you have only ever known me as Bambi’s dad, we fell in love whilst we raised a child we didn’t plan on having, yet we have no memories shared together before she existed. I already love Bambi’s mum with all my heart, I want to learn about who her mum is when she is forced to be the person that exists outside of her family, I want to fall in love with you, with every version of you…”

“I…I…I don’t know who I am when I’m not a mum. I’ve been a mum for as long as I can remember now, maybe this is all I am Lewis? Maybe we will go to Vegas and be in bed by 9pm because I am so exhausted and you will realise you are with someone entirely too boring for a man who loves nothing more than adventure.”

“You know what? If being in bed at 9pm is what you want to do, then we will do it…and for the record, you will never bore me…”

He spun you around to face him so he could really kiss you this time.

“Now, let’s get you back inside so you can decide which dress you want to wear when you walk through the strip with me to the event tomorrow night.”

“Oh, I don’t need to decide…I already know which dress will ensure you won’t be able to keep your hands off of me...”

You left Lewis standing on the decking with a stunned smile on his face. It was rare that you let your confidence seduce him, but the moments that you did, the moments in which you told him exactly what you wanted to do to him, were the moments in which you felt the most powerful.

It was only as he got out of the car to open your door that Lewis let go of your hand. He knew how hard it was for you to leave your daughter behind in Malibu, to fly miles away from her for a few days in which you would trust someone else with the primary care of her, something you had not yet done from the moment she was born, he knew that right now you needed his comfort more than anything else in the world.

In discreet writing, the elevator read ‘The Lakeview Suite’ and already you were overwhelmed by how grand everything was, even if all you had seen so far was the lobby and the elevator. You were well aware you looked a far cry from the guests that you saw in the lobby, you had opted to travel in comfort, a tracksuit, no make up and sliders, yet that never seemed to bother him an inch.

It was in the privacy of the elevator, a room big enough to fit twenty people, he found his hands already beginning to wander with all the free reign they had been given.

“Already? I haven’t even got the dress on yet.”

You teased him as he brushed his hands up under your hoodie, cupping your breasts with the biggest grin on his face.

“I prefer you with no clothes on anyway…”

If it wasn’t for the bell of the elevator signalling your arrival at your level, you were sure you were about ten seconds away from granting the security of the hotel footage worthy of an AVN award.

You were very used to being amazed at the places in which Lewis took you, they were always grand, they were always special, but somehow this suite took the top spot immediately.

A rich red decorated so many of the walls, marble decorated the flooring, the specks of gold thrown around the room in the form of furniture allowed you a little insight to just how expensive the suite was.

It was midnight in Vegas and yet nothing about the view in which you took in from the bedroom window told you it was. The suite overlooked the strip below, lights illuminated the thousands of people that were no bigger than ants from where you were up high. Midnight in Vegas meant nothing really, but what it did mean was that it was now the day of which you were going to accompany Lewis to a public event for the first time, as his partner, not as the mother of his child.

“...and what time will we need to be ready?”

You were well attuned to walking into a room silently now, you knew exactly how to slide your hand around his waist just enough to let him know you were there, so he would quietly move you in front of him, wrapping his spare arm around your waist as he buried his nose into the crook of your neck, gently swaying with you as he grew in his shorts, a pressure building against the back of you as you purposefully threw it back into him, just enough to make it a struggle for him to speak his final words before finishing the phone call he had about work.

“Mmm, you are a naughty girl, aren’t you?”

His hand found its way down to the crook between your thigh and your pussy, teasing his thumb in a flicking motion across your middle as he nibbled on your neck.

“Shit, I want you so bad right now…”

“There’s nothing stopping you…”

Your words hitched in your throat as he worked you up more and more with the teasing of his hand, with the feel of his lips against the sensitive skin of your neck.

Lewis didn’t need persuading, he lead you from the living room back into the bedroom just so he could have his way with you, and he did, first bent over the bed, rough raw and exactly what you both needed to satisfy the urge, and then again when you both woke in the middle of the night, this time softer, loving, slow movements as he entered you from the side, your leg held up in the air, his other hand teasing out and endless stream of orgasms from you with very little effort.

The both of you fell to sleep that night having had more sex than you had the entire month before. There was no need to sneak moments of intimacy within the steam of a hot shower, there were no fires of desire that petered out when life, and your daughter, interrupted you night after night.

That night allowed you both to enjoy each other, to love each other, to be with each other like the rest of the world didn’t exist, and as you snoozed on his chest, his arm wrapped securely around you, you knew you loved the man he was and not just the father he had grown to be.

Lewis always woke before you, it didn’t matter if he had been awake for over a day due to catching flights, it didn’t matter if his body had been put through hours of endurance in a race, he always woke before you did and that often meant you woke to an empty bed, a feeling you really hated.

Instinctively you grabbed his discarded T Shirt on the floor to cover your modesty before you left the bedroom, a habit that you had acquired thanks to parenthood, and you went on the hunt for your man.

It didn’t take you very long at all to find him, all you had to do was follow the sounds of the 90s RnB that played softly out on the balcony to find him laid out on the cream wick sofa, wearing nothing but a white towel around his waist that barely managed to hide his secrets under it.

“You know how much you could charge for this view?”

You teased him as your fingers brushed against his bare shoulder before you began to take a seat on the sofa next to him.

“...no you don’t, I want you to sit right here.”

Lewis motioned for you to take a seat on his lap, spreading his legs a little more to cradle you as he helped you down on to him, the feel of his cool bare skin was a stark contrast to the warmth of yours as your thighs met, his hand instantly wrapping around you and his lips found their favourite spot in the crook of your neck once more.

“No one can see, we’re so high up…we could do anything we wanted right now…”

His appetite for you was insatiable, it didn’t seem to matter that he had you many times just hours ago, he was as hungry for you as ever and his hands greedily ran under the shirt you wore, tweaking your nipples.

“Take this off.”

His words felt warm against the skin of your neck as he growled his demand at you. You would have hesitated in any other moment, but there was something about right then that fed you confidence, it could have been how obviously turned on he was for you, it could have been the location you were in, but something filled you with the confidence to stand in front of Lewis, lifting the shirt off of your skin before you looked down at the pathetic excuse for a towel that still covered him, barely.

“Your turn.”

Lewis’ naughty smirk was filled with pride as he threw his towel off of his waist and to the ground, his dick throbbed proudly in the cool Vegas morning air as it begged for your attention; you weren’t going to make it wait too long.

His hands reached for you the first moment they could, finding your bare hips, his eyes widened with amazement as he watched you sit down on him, taking every inch of him like a pro.

“Shit…”

He hissed, you moaned breathlessly, as you felt him bottom out inside of you. For a second you didn’t move, you held still to allow the both of you to really feel every second of the excitement that rippled through your bodies from how connected you were.

Lewis was impatient, he needed you now, and so his hands found your ass cheeks to encourage you to move with a little slap at first before he cupped your cheeks in his palm as much as he was able to, holding onto a semblance of control whilst you rode him hard.

You always loved how unashamed he was to be loud yet this morning he was particularly noisy. Moans that drowned yours out, curse words that rang in rhythms of praise for how you worked him, he just could not help himself.

“Baby, slow down…you’re going to make me cum…”

You almost took pity on him as he begged you for mercy, but you were not prepared to let up on him. Many nights the roles had been reversed, you had been the one to plead for a mercy he would never ever grant, and so you were determined to make him have a taste of his own medicine.

Over and over again you rose up before you slammed back down on him, riding him at a pace, at an intensity, you never had before. There was something about that moment that fed you the ability to go to new heights, to use the power of your pussy to make sure he was not in any doubt of who had the control.

“Fuck, baby…”

You felt it, you felt the familiar twinge in his body, you knew he was seconds away from exploding and you felt accomplished. Lewis wouldn’t give it to you that easy though. Using the full strength of his arms, he lifted you up whilst still inside of you, slowly stroking you whilst he carried you to the balcony wall.

“No you don’t…”

Lewis giggled the words into your lips as you pouted, holding you up against the wall effortlessly, he began to drive into you harder now.

“...my turn, tell Vegas how good you feel.”

His confidence was warranted, it didn’t matter how stubborn you were, how hard you tried to fight against giving him exactly what he wanted from you, it was fruitless.

Your orgasm crashed down with haste, as the ecstasy erupted through your body you bit down on his shoulder to disguise your loud moans; Lewis followed your high pretty soon after.

“How about I cancel the rest of the day's plans and we spend it right here?”

Lewis’ voice as he came down from his high was raspy, breath stolen, it also happened to be your favourite sound.

“I know you haven’t brought me all the way to Vegas just to do something you can do at home, Lewis.”

He slowly lowered you down onto your incredibly unsteady legs, still shaken from the pleasure he had given you moments ago.

“But I don’t get to make you scream like that at home…”

You shot him a look that told him to stop, as fun as a day in bed with Lewis sounded, you had a dress he had bought for you specifically for this occasion waiting to be worn and a hair and make up appointment you were not going to miss.

“Maybe for the sake of your shoulder, it is best that you can’t.”

Lewis wore the scar of your teeth marks with pride, a little broken skin was a fine price to pay to get to watch you walk around with shaky legs for the next half an hour.

It was as you put on the last shoe that you heard Lewis’ daddy voice muffled in the suite somewhere, his tone of voice was always excited when he spoke to your daughter, it was soft, it was comforting, it was so full of love. There was no one else in the world that provoked the tone of voice he used for Bambi, not even you.

You were fixing your shoes when you heard his voice grow closer to you, quickly you jumped up to the mirror, fixing the dress down just in time for him to appear with his phone held out with your daughter’s button nose pressed up against the screen, looking at you.

“Mummy is right…here…fuuuu-”

Lewis stopped himself before he finished the curse word but the point was made so violently that the giggle from his dad in the background of the FaceTime call told you that everyone had heard exactly what he meant.

His expression was like something out of a cartoon, eyes wider than you had ever seen them, his lips parted in amazement, never had a gaze of his appeared so hungry before, the licking of his lips just sealed it.

“Hey babygirl…”

You walked closer to the phone he was holding up and waved at your daughter who was smiling.

“Mummy, you look so beautiful!”

“Yes…yes she does…”

Lewis’ voice now matched his look too, a deep growl tone to it as his eyes bore into your skin, his breathing heavy with the want to feast on his woman, with no ability to do so.

“We will be home tomorrow babygirl, be good for grandpa now please.”

Nervous butterflies filled your stomach as the longing to be with your daughter became too much in an instant, you missed her, you missed when it was just the three of you, nothing felt right when one of you was away from the other.

“I’m always good, mummy. Grandpa is taking me to the movies in the morning and then out for ice cream! Grandpa no, not that doll silly…the one with the green hair!”

The excitement in her little voice settled your nerves, despite the fact you missed her so much it ached, she didn’t seem phased by your being away at all, which comforted you.

She didn’t have the patience, nor the need, to say goodbye to you both. Very quickly she abandoned the phone on the sofa, leaving you staring at a ceiling, whilst she ran off to correct her grandpa’s choice of doll to play with.

“See…I told you she would be fine.”

Lewis was fast to end the call and place the phone in his pocket, he couldn’t wait to get his hands on you, and the moment he found the place on your hips he loved to hold, he let out a little moan of satisfaction and a deep breath of hunger.

He was so sly with the way in which he backed you up towards the dresser, knowing you would hate to mess up your hair minutes before you had to leave, he took the opportunity to have you propped up on a surface instead.

“I can’t wait until later, you look so fucking…ugh…I need you now.”

The frustration in his voice was incredibly hot, the panting between each word told you how hard he was straining underneath the jeans he was wearing and he almost got his way, he almost had you right then and there, until the phone he placed in his pocket vibrated so harshly it couldn’t be ignored.

“Every…single…time.”

His head fell back in frustration as he read the message on his screen, closing his eyes for a second to try and compose himself, he looked back up at you with a thousand thoughts running through his mind.

“It’s okay, just a few more hours and I’m all yours.”

You couldn’t let your own frustration show, not yet. It felt childish yet exciting that no matter what you both tried, you couldn’t have exactly what you wanted; each other. Instead you were left having to sneak around like teenagers to steal seconds of passion, awaiting a secret escape in a hotel room in the middle of the night to really give into temptation.

“Wait…you’ve forgotten something.”

Lewis stopped you as you headed out of the door, he took out the Cartier box you forgot you even had, from his pocket, and expertly placed the necklace around the base of your throat, making sure to seal the clasp with a kiss before he took your hand and led you down to the car.

“Perfect, now let me show my woman off to the world.”

It was still weird to you how much Formula One had grown in popularity in the few years you were apart. Sure Lewis had always been famous, but never had it been so that there were crowds akin to a pop concert waiting for him, holding signs that begged for his proposal, screams of declarations of love and phones, so many phones, held up to capture every movement you both made as you stepped out of the car and Lewis wrapped his arm around your waist.

“You ready for this, babe?”

No, could anyone ever be ready for this amount of attention? But still you smiled and you nodded and you played the supportive girlfriend role whilst you walked past a crowd you were certain half wished for your demise just so they could replace you, whilst the other half filmed your every breath to upload to fan accounts moments later.

Lewis was extra protective of you when you joined him for work, whether it was track side or movie premier, he made sure that you were comfortable and in his eyesight at all times, the last thing he wanted was for you to think he was neglecting you, or that anything else in the world was more important.

“I will be back as soon as I can, will you be okay?”

He was seconds away from stepping on stage in front of thousands of people yet his only concern was how you were feeling.

“I’m fine, go…the people await Sir Lewis Hamilton and his incredible bulge in those jeans.”

You pulled him by the top button on his denim shirt towards you, kissing him through a smile on both of your faces before he turned and headed onto the stage, his lips still covered in the lipstick you wore as he waved to his screaming fans.

It was all going so well at first, you stood just to the side of the stage and waited patiently for Lewis to finish his interview with the presenter, you heard him speak of his excitement at the race taking place in Vegas next season, you watched him pander to the fans that had waited hours to see him and you watched as the presenter lingered a look into his eyes just a little longer than what was normal, a linger that told you of memories she was reliving, and you knew, in the pit of your stomach you knew that this was not the first time they had met.

“How did I do?”

His question was rhetorical of course, however he noticed that you didn’t fawn after him, he realised almost immediately as you didn’t allow your waist to be held properly by him that something had happened, in the few minutes he was away from you, something had upset you.

“What’s wrong baby?”

You couldn’t look at him, not through disgust but more through shame of your own doing, you knew you had no right to be jealous of a moment he shared with a woman when he was single, yet every tiny part of you hated the thought of it.

Lewis was yours, he had always been yours, he was Bambi’s daddy, he was the man who knocked up a woman he met hours before and promised her the world with little hesitation. Lewis was yours, how dare she know even a fraction of the man you adored?

“Her.”

It was all the words you could muster but it was enough, he didn’t try to deny it, he didn’t jump on the defensive, instead he sighed throwing a hand up to his brow so he could run it down over his face.

“How did you know?”

You looked up at him and he looked distraught, like he was seconds away from tears, like all hope had been lost.

“Because she gave you the same look I gave you when we were no longer together, the look of knowing you and wanting you again. I hate that she knows you, I hate that so many of them know you.”

“Baby, come on…”

He reached out to grab your hand but you pulled away, you were very aware of how irrational you were acting yet you couldn’t stop yourself.

“I hate that all these women know you, they know you intimately, they know you in ways that only I should know you, Lewis. They know the man I love.”

“I can’t keep doing this…”

His words sent a shockwave through your body as you took them in. You were so used to his asking for forgiveness that the moment he didn’t, the moment he sent a message of frustration, you weren't quite sure how to deal with it.

“What?”

“This…this walking on eggshells around you constantly, the accusations of cheating, the jealousy…all of it…this isn’t healthy for either of us.”

“Are you saying-”

“That’s it exactly, this is what I mean…the constant negative thoughts, the mistrust. We can’t keep doing this, something has to give.”

He was right, you knew it deep down, that despite how much you loved him, love wasn’t enough when it was wrapped in days and days of torturing yourself with thoughts of who was keeping him company overseas whilst you raised your daughter alone.

How could you set the best example for Bambi when the only example she had of a woman was someone so anxious that she would lose the man she loved all day everyday, that she barely had time to appreciate the happy moments with him?

Anxious thoughts had clouded your memory, sure you could remember some of the days out you had as a family, some of the parties and events you went to together, but it was the little things, the small moments of intimacy that only you three would ever know happened, that you couldn’t recall at all. The moments you had convinced yourself were fictional, a fraud, moments Lewis only took part in to keep up the ruse that he was a family man first.

Your mind never kept the memories you were certain were fake, how could you believe the man who blew you a kiss across the room as he played with your daughter building legos, really meant that kiss? Why would he? You only ever existed to him back home, after all. When he was out of the country you were out of sight, for all you knew you might as well have not existed, you certainly did not exist in his world more often than not.

“Let’s get out of here.”

That night in Vegas should have been filled with fun, it should have been a moment for both of you to really be a couple first before you were parents, something you had never been before, but instead it was met with silence as you headed back up to the suite that now felt ridiculously too big, and a sense of emptiness that came from the impending doom of all of the unsaid words.

There was something different about this disagreement, if you could even call it that. You were the first to explain to anyone that asked that your relationship wasn’t without its challenges, you argued, you disagreed, you got on eachothers nerves, you had moments you disliked each other but that was normal, those moments passed and most importantly, the love never seemed to leave in those moments.

This moment was different though, it felt different, the air hung so heavy with tension, the huge room somehow now felt way too small and although you could avoid each other by busying yourselves in your assigned dressing rooms, you could feel the presence of Lewis behind the walls, you could feel the weight of the words unspoken, something both of you carried.

You had entered your room with the intention of changing out of the dress that now felt uncomfortable, it was funny that the moment you no longer wanted to impress him you wanted to cover every inch of your skin in an attempt to hide from him.

Instead of undressing, you found yourself exhausted from the events of the evening, drained from the emotion, and all you could do was sit on the edge of the bed you considered sleeping in that night and ponder thoughts of what exactly had gone so wrong.

Lewis had been quiet for some time now, you had heard him moving about the suite, a sign of life, but when it got deathly quiet, so quiet in fact you weren't entirely sure he hadn’t gone out, you knew then that the silent treatment would get you both nowhere.

You were purposefully quiet as you left your room, as if you were trying to catch him in the act, but the act of what exactly you wasn't entirely sure. There was no sign of him in the living area, nor was he over by the bar, it meant realistically he had to be in the bedroom if he was even still around.

The room was dark but for the light that peaked out from the middle of the not quite completely closed curtains illuminating his still fully clothed body laid out on the bed. His eyes were shut but you knew he wasn’t asleep, you could always tell he was asleep from the way his breathing sounded.

“Can I come in?”

You stood at the doorway asking for permission until you saw his eyes open and stare, a deep hard stare, at you.

“This is your room too, isn’t it?”

His tone was harsh without intent, you could no longer hear the love within each syllable, he spoke to you as if you were just anybody else and that hurt more than any words really could.

“Are we…are we done?”

You had pondered a thousand different ways to bring up the same question but being in front of him, the desperation in your voice leapt out and there was no patience for easing you into the conversation, you needed to know now.

Lewis sat up on the bed, swinging his legs around the side before he beckoned for you to join where he was sitting, the first sign of friendliness you had seen in quite some time from him.

“I don’t know what to do anymore…”

You wanted to scream no at him, you wanted to throw your hands over his mouth so he could say no other words, you wished you could go back in time and take back your outburst of jealousy, keep the doubts hidden within you so as to avoid this exact conversation.

It couldn’t be over, could it? After everything you had both been through, the promises you had both made, it felt so unfair for this to be the end of your story.

“...you will never really trust me, will you?”

You were thankful Lewis could continue the conversation because you were simply incapable, your flight or fight response was the third option of freezing, and no matter how badly you wanted to fight for him you were simply not equipped to.

“I do trust-”

“But you don’t, you never have. The constant accusations, the glances over at my phone screen you think I don’t notice, the random middle of the night check ins when I am overseas just to make sure I don’t have company…it’s not healthy, it’s not healthy for you to constantly think I am cheating on you, it’s not healthy for me to have to worry about every contact I have with a female in case you read it the wrong way.”

His accusatory words sprung you into defensive mode and at once your face screwed up with a look of disgust, how dare he put all the blame on you?

“But you did fuck her, it’s not like I am accusing you for no reason, is it?”

Lewis sighed, a long deep sigh, as his eyes looked down at the hands he had paired at his lap.

“I am truly sorry that I did not live a life of abstinence whilst we were apart, if I had known that we would get back together and the women I spent nights with would tear us apart, I would have stayed celibate just to make you happy.”

“That isn’t what I am asking you to do, it’s just-”

“It’s what, babe? Because what else can I do to show you that I love you, that I love Bambi, that the family we have created and the life we have built, is the single most precious thing in my life?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know how to stop feeling like I don’t deserve you.”

“Are you crazy?”

It could have been offensive the way in which he scowled the words at you, but whilst he asked the rhetorical question he grabbed your hands instinctively, as if words were not quite enough to explain his feelings, you had to feel them through the warmth of his touch too.

“I have never felt like enough for you. You didn’t pick me, you were stuck with me. Let’s be honest for a moment, if you hadn’t got me pregnant after our night together, would you have ever seen me again? Would you have called me again? I am not stupid, Lewis. I know you did not choose to spend your life with me, I know that you are a good man and a honourable man and that the life we created meant you had to learn to be with someone you never would have picked, had you had a choice.”

“You think I am with you because we have a daughter?”

“Well, yes? We had a one night stand and created a life but that is exactly what our time together was, a one night stand. It wasn’t lost on me that you were away every opportunity you got when I was first pregnant. You felt nothing and nor should you have, I was a stranger. I can’t pretend anymore that I don’t realise I am not your type, I am not bold enough, skinny enough, my face isn’t sculpted to perfection by Dr Miami and I don’t have a career that rivals yours in terms of success. I know you deserve better, that is what scares me.”

Every word you said looked like an attack on his whole being, he winced, he screwed his eyes up, he shook his head, the paragraph ran him through a range of emotions all at once.

“Fuck, you really feel that way?”

You would have been prepared for him to fire back with denial, it was how this conversation normally went after all, so his calm response took you by surprise. You nodded, a head movement weighed down by the overwhelming sadness you felt.

Lewis closed his eyes for a moment, running a hand over his braids before he rose, walking around the room as if his director had told him to act out being deep in thought; he was playing the role superbly.

“I guess you’re right…”

It turned out that despite the fact you truly believed those words, hearing his confirmation felt like a blow to your stomach that winded you completely, a breath you would not be able to really get back until he carried on.

“If we hadn’t made a baby that night, the chances are I probably wouldn’t have seen you again. That isn’t a reflection of you though, that is all on me. I liked you from the moment I met you in the club that night, we had some of the hottest sex I had ever had…I still think back to that night sometimes, you know?”

It was the last sentence that made him shoot you a look, you couldn’t hold eye contact and instead you dropped your gaze to your lap, where it felt safer.

“I like to think Bambi came into the world to make us both realise, to make me realise, the love of my life was right in front of my eyes. I know I wasn’t perfect when you were pregnant, I was stupid, I was immature, I was running away from responsibilities and clinging to a life I had curated to hide within. That isn’t who I am deep down, I wanted a family forever, I wanted to be a dad forever…”

Lewis moved closer to you now, his words had warmed the air, the memories of the years in which you shared softened the tension, his smell, the natural woody scent that was your favourite, comforted you the closer he got.

“...I don’t know how to convince you that to me you are perfect, but I am quite willing to tell you every single day for the rest of our lives.”

He stood right in front of you, his hand held out as an invitation for you to take it; you did. The moment he had you risen to your feet, he stroked his hand down your face, resting it on your hip as he looked deep into your eyes.

“I can’t promise you that I won’t annoy you, I can’t promise you that we will always agree, and as much as I want to, I can’t always promise you that my past, that people from my past, won’t appear in places we least expect…”

It was your turn to close your eyes now, the thought of past conquests rearing their heads in moments of your lives sickened you to your stomach. Lewis caught your attention once again, holding your chin with the back of his fingers as he nudged your gaze back up to meet him.

“...but I can promise you that I will never…ever…jeopardise what we have. You are the only woman I ever want and the only woman I ever will want, I promise.”

It felt natural to kiss you and so he did, a soft kiss with his lips placed against yours, no moving, no tongues, just a kiss that attempted to seal his words in your mind to make you understand that he truly meant every intention he promised.

“I’m sorry, Lewis.”

An apology was all you could muster, declaring your love to him wouldn’t have done the moment justice, he deserved to know how sorry you were for ever taking his words, his actions, and his commitment for granted.

“No more apologising, just let me love you, please?”

You didn’t answer with words, instead you answered with a kiss back. Your kiss was heavier, weighted with the need to express to him how sorry you really were. He hadn’t asked you to trust him and for that you were thankful, you both knew it was something you were incapable of immediately, but in that moment you truly believed you might get there one day.

If someone had been writing your love story for a novel, a script for a box office hit, you would have fallen from the kiss into bed to make sweet love, but long gone were the days in which sex was the response to any and every emotion you both felt.

Now you often found yourselves cementing your love over a meal, love making was no longer the first thought you had and instead you found it just as satisfying to eat loaded fries you had ordered from room service, each swigging out of a bottle of Champagne to near completion as you retold lines of your favourite inside jokes, the laughter shared secretly between each other, it was these moments that felt as intimate as the moments in which your bodies connected in pleasure…almost.

“Midnight, already?”

Lewis looked at his watch in disappointment, he knew, you both knew, that it was now only hours away from you returning to life, returning to life as parents first and lovers second, you both knew you could no longer waste any second you had together.

“Let’s go for a walk.”

Lewis didn’t even finish his sentence before he jumped up, not letting go of your hand, to make sure you knew that you really didn’t have a say in whether you were going outside or not.

“We can’t, you’ll be surrounded by people and you have not got your security with you. Why don’t we just stay in bed? I’m sure there are other things we can do that will keep you entertained.”

The devilish look in your eye almost made him crumble, he had to physically shake the thoughts that now spiralled in his mind before he went back to his suggestion.

“It’s midnight in Vegas baby, it’s dark, people are everywhere and no one cares who is around, I get to blend in, now lets go before we drink too much we can no longer walk.”

You were positive that it was the alcohol that made him this free with his suggestions, one thing Lewis never compromised no matter what was his safety, and yours, taking a walk outside with you in one of the most popular places on earth was a huge risk, but that risk clearly did not seem to be troubling him as your tongues danced whilst his hand rested on your ass in the lift.

If anyone had spotted you in this moment they could have easily mistaken you for playful teenagers, young lovers who were still in their honeymoon phase, and in a way they were correct. You were still learning how to love each other as individuals before you loved each other as the parent of their child, and this trip was certainly helping that love progress.

He was right, you did blend in. No one looked the way of the couple who walked hand in hand through the strip with no real destination in mind. Every now and then Lewis would stop you, pulling you into him so he could kiss you as he made the most satisfied sounding moan before you continued your walk.

There was so much to see along the strip, so much people watching to do as you followed the drunk people, the happy people, the ones that had lost their life savings in a casino, the lovebirds that weren’t too dissimilar to you both, hand in hand not noticing anything but the other as they walked through the crowds of people all living out acts of time in their own lives.

Lewis stopped you in your tracks as you passed the Bellagio fountain, pulling you into him he held his phone out to take a photo of you both whilst he kissed you on your cheek. A moment frozen in time in the photo, a moment in which to the rest of the world you were nobodies really, that was until you heard the words that loudly shouted from the man near you.

“Shit, Lewis?”

You heard his heart sink, you saw the expression on his face as he realised he had a second to react. He could stay there and become Vegas’ latest attraction as more and more people gathered around him for pictures, videos and to tell him how much they loved him, or he could take your hand and run; he chose the second option.

The bright lights became a streak of blended gold as you ran hand in hand down the strip with Lewis, you wondered if he had always been so carefree and you had just missed it. His braids slapped at the back of his neck as he ran, a movement that hypnotised you as you could focus only on him.

The noise of the crowds became a hum that only grew gentler as you moved through them, like a soft harmony built to soothe the adrenaline that paced through your body at an unbelievable speed. He pulled you into an ever so welcome hug of darkness, an escape, finally you were back alone with him, just where you felt safe.

Lewis fell back against the wall carelessly, he was not concerned with dirtying his clothes, nor was he worried about hurting himself, the wall provided him the perfect resting place to pull you into him, his hands resting softly on the top of your ass whilst your fists balled at his collarbone until you found comfort in the softness of his grown out beard in the palm of your hands.

“I thought you said we would blend in?”

You teased him and he did nothing but roll his eyes in return, both of your smiles were wide with a moment of exhilaration shared.

“We did…almost. Maybe we were meant to be spotted, maybe the universe wanted us to end up in this little alleyway alone so I could do this…”

It never failed to make your body shiver with excitement when Lewis found the back of your head with his hand. He made you feel small, even with so little of a grip on you as he pulled you in to kiss him, he made you feel like you were tiny yet safe with him.

With the hand that wasn’t holding your head, he crept his fingers under your dress, tickling the place that radiated a heat unmatched for him. Acting out exactly what you had imagined him doing the moment you saw the dress.

“We can’t, not in public…”

Lewis’ kiss formed a gentle bite on your bottom lip as he forced himself to pull away from you, just for a moment.

“You didn’t seem to mind on the balcony this morning.”

It was your turn to roll your eyes, it was the best you could do as a comeback as he wasn’t wrong, there was nothing about that morning that you minded, at all.

“There’s something different about you here, you seem so much more…free?”

Lewis allowed his hands to find yours to hold as the now permanent smile that was etched on his face grew the wrinkles that surrounded his eyes.

“It’s what happens when I am around you, I don’t notice the outside world, you are all I see, you are all I want to see.”

Both of you stared mesmerised at your fingers that danced in between the others in mid air, Lewis was right, the outside world did not exist when you were alone together, all that mattered was the bubble of love that formed a protective barrier around you.

“All of my happiest moments are with you…”

His eyes read that he wanted to kiss you, your lips said the same with the way that they drew towards him in desperation, yet he found words to fill the space in between you instead, there was plenty of time for kisses, right now the air needed his words to hold.

“Lewis, that is impossible, I wasn’t there for most of your career and-”

“So what? You think I count career goals as my happiest moments?”

“You don’t exactly have a normal career, Lewis…”

“More of a reason why you, why life with you, has granted me my happiest moments. Meeting you was better than any World Championship, you gave me a family, you showed me a love that comes with no expectations, you gave me a reason to make sure I get out of that car every weekend…it’s all because of you, baby. Happiness only exists because of you.”

You were never the superstitious kind, nor were you ever one to believe in divine intervention, but as the last syllable of his words played into your ears, both of you were struck silent by the realisation of the building you were hidden behind at once.

It was that moment, the mutual understanding between you that the universe was forcing your hand in the matter and really you had no other option, it was that moment that made you believe in fate, in fairytales, in stories of finding the love of your life in the most unexpected of ways.

Lewis held your fingers in his palm as if to kiss them as his eyes rose up to meet your gaze once more.

“Shall we?”

The moan you let out as you woke cared not for the man who was snoring next to you. Your head was pounding violently, your whole body ached, it felt like you had done ten rounds with Mike Tyson hours before, you swore to never drink again.

The blackout curtains didn’t quite leave the room dark enough for your liking, and so you braved only one eye opening as you looked over at the still fast asleep Lewis. He was laid on his back, an arm wrapped over his eyes as if he too was trying to block out the light, whilst the other hand lay on his bare chest. He was naked, you were not.

You made an attempt to get up and instantly felt the room spin, clearly you had drunk far too much last night and you hadn’t really sobered up yet, leaving you stumbling to the bathroom.

Lewis hadn’t moved as you climbed back into bed, it was only as you snuggled up next to him that you felt him stir, his familiar arm found your body as his hand did the same.

He groped at your breasts first, his squeeze clumsier than you were used to, before his hand trailed under the dress that still covered your skin, his fingers stroking the outside of your panties.

“Good morning Mrs Hamilton…”

It took a second for his words to register as he nuzzled into your neck whilst he began to play with you, but all at once scenes of the night before flashed back into your mind and you realised exactly what you had done.

“Shit…did we-“

Lewis took his opportunity to cradle your face, pulling your lips into his as he climbed all of the way on top of you.

“Mmm yes we did…now let me show my wife how happy I want to make her everyday.”

It wasn’t lost on you that he wasn’t panicking at all yet every fibre of your being was a wreck with nerves.

You were married? You married Lewis in Vegas? How could you be so utterly reckless? So completely classless?

His kisses trailed your body as he removed the expensive dress from your skin, the bare skin was replaced with the warmth of his lips until all that was left for him to devour was your middle.

The gasp you let out as his hungry lips wrapped around your clit in a sucking motion, was loud. Your body arched off of the bed as you reached out for his hair, trying so desperately to earn a semblance of control until he removed that from you, holding your hands in the air as he ate your pussy like it was the very first time and he had to make a lasting impression.

Lewis could and often would go down on you for hours, multiple rounds, he was never afraid of really eating you out but he sensed it, he sensed that it did not matter how long he did it for, how intensely he did it either, you were distracted, something was stopping you from finishing and there was nothing he could do about it.

“What do you need from me?”

The moisture on his lips tasted only of you as he climbed up your body, holding the entirety of his weight upon you as a blanket for comfort.

“I don’t…I don’t know.”

Your statement was not entirely false, you didn’t know what he could do to help, what you did know however was that what happened last night, what you both did, it had knocked you for six and no orgasm was beating the anxiety.

“We should be celebrating, baby…talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.”

He was so good at trying to alleviate your worries, as he stroked your face he kissed it too, waiting to feel the familiar feel of your heart rate settling back to normalcy.

You ignored him at first, knowing that the truth could only hurt him in this situation, you wanted him to get distracted, you wished yourself to be able to orgasm if only to satisfy him in the moment. Lewis never gave up though, he wanted to know what was on your mind.

You thought silence may buy you time, lessen the blow a little on what you were sure he would take as rejection, but it didn’t, instead silence told him everything he needed to know and the hurt was evident on his tired face.

“You regret it, don’t you?”

You knew you should have answered straight away, it was an easy yes or no question and should have taken no thought behind it at all, but you didn’t and your silence once again told Lewis everything he needed to know.

He climbed off of you in a hurry, finding comfort on the edge of the bed where he could look at the lines in his palm as the realisation that the woman he married last night was not happy about it at all.

“I’m sorry, Lewis.”

Your apology was whispered in a hushed tone due to shame, the last thing you wanted to do was hurt him, especially not now, especially not after everything he had done.

“I can’t believe you don’t want to be married to me…”

The vulnerability in his voice was upsetting, for such a strong man he sure wasn’t afraid of his emotions being read in a room.

“That isn’t-no…I don’t regret marrying you because it’s you, I regret marrying you in the way we did…in the tacky, overdone, spontaneous way we did it.”

Lewis looked round at you with relief, his eyes grew wide with optimism as he heard the first sign of hope in your words.

“Do you really care about that? I didn’t have you down for a woman that wanted the big traditional church wedding.”

“No, I’m not…I don’t care about that…I never even thought I would get married but Bambi…”

You saw the realisation on his face as the gravity of the situation, of the moments stolen from you as a family, finally hit him.

“You’re right, we shouldn’t have done it without her. I don’t regret it though, I will never regret marrying you.”

At least that made one of you, you thought.

“You’re back!”

The excitement within the little girl who ran to the door to greet you both was palpable, she could barely decide who to hug first before settling for you.

“I missed you so much Bambi.”

The one thing every single person in your lives knew about the three of you was that there was little point hanging around to be the fourth wheel, it wasn’t that you were selfish, uncaring of others, it just seemed that whenever the three of you were together all you could see was each other and the rest of the room were neglected for attention.

Lewis’ dad quickly said his goodbyes once you were both settled back home and soon it was just the three of you once more, and finally the world felt right once again.

The days after Vegas were entirely less eventful, Lewis had a few work commitments, interviews on late night talk shows, a photoshoot for Valentino, but he took the both of you to them all, needing you both as company to make the days bearable.

On an evening, when the temperature cooled outside, you would spend hours playing board games, eating the finest fast food LA had to offer, and dips in the sea. It was on your final night in Malibu that Lewis dared to broach the conversation of living arrangements, turmoil long forgotten now you had found other things to distress you, like a shotgun wedding.

“Do you still hate it here?”

Bambi played down in the sand with her dolls, her direction for the scene she was acting out was becoming more and more excitable as it went on. You were sat in between Lewis’ legs, the space you often found yourself in, your fingers tickling each other.

“I don’t hate it, Lewis. Would it make you happy if we made this our home?”

“Yes but I need you to want to live here too and I can tell you don’t want to. Where would make you happy?”

“Anywhere, Lewis. I know you, and I know Bambi, love it here by the ocean, it would be cruel of me to deny you both of that.”

“Then we will keep this house…but we won’t live here. I was thinking, your home, the one back in the city, is quite perfect for us really, isn’t it?”

You sighed as you heard his compromise. Sure, you loved that house more than anywhere else, it was exactly where you wanted to live, but you knew it meant sacrificing time with Lewis, you knew it meant that being there would make his life harder with travel, more difficult with anything work related.

“Lewis, I don’t want you to have to be anywhere you don’t really want to be…”

“Look at me…”

His voice was stern now, offended almost, as he asked you to turn your gaze away from the beach for a moment to look at him.

“...I do not care about the house we live in or where it is located, the only thing I need to be happy somewhere is you and that little girl down there. I want to live where you want to live, and if that means I only get to be by the ocean part of the time, that is a sacrifice I am happy to make. You’re home baby, wherever you and the beautiful daughter you have given me are, that’s home.”

The conversation was never concluded with a decision but you both knew that you would not be moving across the world, nor would you be house hunting in your city, any time soon. As the old saying goes, why fix what isn’t broken? Besides, Bambi had a school place already in your city, it just made sense.

For the first time in forever, it was you who woke first. Bambi was in her spot, laid on the lion on Lewis’ chest as he held your hand above your heads. Your stirring never woke them as you slowly let go of his hand, sliding out of the bed and heading to the kitchen to make a coffee.

You were unsure of how long you had been standing on the decking when you felt you had company.

“Are you okay, mummy?”

Bambi stood by the open door, one hand rubbing an eye whilst the other clutched her white bunny bear at her waist.

“I am great babygirl, are you okay?”

“I miss home, I miss my bedroom.”

If she had been a little older you would have been convinced she was humouring you with those words, that she had overheard the conversation last night and wanted to sympathise with your want to be back in the city, but you knew she was too young to have that level of empathy.

“We will be home tonight, Bambi. Now go get your daddy and we can spend one last morning by the ocean before we have to leave.”

You did just that. The three of you spent the entirety of the morning on the beach, laughing, paddling in the ocean, and eating breakfast on the sand. It was then that you realised you had really grown to love Malibu, not the celebrities as neighbours, not the shops that you could only afford to shop in with Lewis, but the Malibu that was right there, the Malibu that housed the bubble in which the three of you had spent most of the week in, the Malibu that had provided such a beautiful setting for the falling in love of two people who now knew each other as people before parents and somehow loved each other more.

You looked over to the sight of Lewis walking through the sand with your daughter, his big hand completely engulfing hers as their eyes focused on the sand in which they walked and you felt your heart fill to burst.

Lewis was so very special, Lewis was kind, he was patient, he was loving, he was everything good that a man could be, he was the most amazing father but it was the little thing about him that you dared not speak out loud, the little thing about him that had come from this trip, the one in which he was leaving Malibu as your husband, and you as his wife.

You may have both agreed to never speak of it again, to not tell a single soul of the commitment you made to each other that drunken night in Vegas, but that did not stop you from feeling proud and from feeling lucky.

Lewis was your husband, it mattered not that neither of you had a piece of metal on your fingers to signify it, the man that was now knelt down on the sand with Bambi as they examined a seashell they had found, was your husband, he was your endgame.

“You got everything, babe?”

Lewis was at his cutest when he was in his rushing around, organising everyone mode. He was a perfectionist and as much as he trusted you to have packed everything, he couldn’t help himself but check every inch of every room before you left for the car that waited to take you to the airport.

“Yes Lewis, we need to get going before we miss our flight.”

He quite literally did a final jog around the house before he made his way back to where you waited by the door. He handed you the seashell Bambi had collected for you on the first night of your stay.

“Come on, let’s go home.”

Three Months Later

Neither one of you had dared bring up the semantics of a busy race season happening during the time Bambi started school, you both knew the likelihood of Lewis being able to be there for her first day was slim to none, he was only ever granted a few days a week with you both, but somehow the gods of luck worked in your favour once more and he was able to be stood beside you at the school gates, a tear pooling in his eye as he watched his whole heart run into the line for her class with the confidence he had instilled in her.

Bambi stood out in the line, you knew you were biased but you also knew as you looked around at the other children that stood in the same grey uniform, none of them glowed with the sparkle that came from having two parents who showered them with love quite like Bambi did.

“Maybe we should wait around for a little while, just in case she needs us?”

You knew Lewis would struggle to accept his little girl growing up and starting school. He had always rested in the knowledge that when he couldn’t be there with her, you would be. Now it was different though, now he had to trust strangers with the protection and guidance of the little girl he loved more than the entire world.

“Lewis she will be fine, I promise. It will be time to pick her up before we know it.”

There were moments in life where one of you had to put your own anxieties to the side and provide reassurance for the other and this was certainly one of those moments. You saw him look back into the playground at least ten times as you headed to the car but you didn’t tease him, or stop him, you were just as nervous about leaving her there for the first time.

“I’m so glad you could be here, I think I would have struggled doing this alone.”

The look he gave you told you more than any words could, you knew how much it pained him to miss events, and even though he was there for your daughters first day of school you both knew it was due to luck more than anything else. There was no guarantee he would be there for any of her firsts, there never had been.

“I won’t be racing forever, soon I’ll be retired and at home with you everyday…”

You knew he was trying to convince himself more than he was you, you had never once begrudged him his career, it granted a life for your daughter, and for you, of privilege and very little worry but sometimes, in the middle of the night when Lewis had been gone for days, you wished he did something else, anything else, you wished he had a normal job that meant he was able to be a dad and a boyfriend - husband - before he was anything else.

“Let’s not think about that now, you still have an eighth world championship to win.”

Never had you met a person with more expressional eyes, apart from your daughter that was. As he smiled at you from the passenger seat you could read the thoughts he had deep down. To anyone else that smile would have been normal, expected even, but you knew what he really meant by it; it was a thank you.

The drive to the airport with Lewis had become an almost weekly event now, most journeys were mundane, annoying even, you hated that each mile you drove meant the closer it got to being without him for a while. Today however, you were far too distracted by trying to find the right moment to speak with him.

You had both sworn to be better at communication yet the first hurdle that came your way, the first time you really needed to talk to him, you were frozen mute with fear.

“Daddy, can we come?”

You looked at each other and laughed, it had now become routine for your daughter to ask to join Lewis on trips away as she thought you might just agree to it.

“No Bambi, you have school tomorrow. I’ll be home again after the race on Sunday night, you will barely even have time to miss me!”

Lewis reached an arm around the back of his chair to tickle the little girl who sat expectantly in her car seat, this too had become routine now, everything about your life was now a routine.

“I always miss you daddy. Always.”

You saw him out of your peripheral close his eyes for a little too long, the stab of his daughter's words, although said with affection, hurt a heart that longed to never give her a reason to miss him.

The most important part of a relationship, of a family, was someone always being the strong one, the one who held up the others when they were falling, the one that made moments happen no matter how hard the moments were; usually this was Lewis.

On days like today though, days where he had to leave for a while to go race overseas, days where you could feel how badly he wished he retired a year ago, days when you could tell your daughter wanted him to stay too, you had to be the strength, you had to put aside the fluttering in your tummy, the sickness that came with having to say goodbye, and convince them both that it wasn’t the most devastating moment of your life, even if it quite literally felt that way every weekend.

“I’ll be back no later than 10pm on Sunday, I promise.”

It took all of your might to pull away from Lewis, knowing it was you that had to do it otherwise he would miss his flight, it was only as you made your way back through the airport car park, the noise and the hustle of the many people doing what you had just done, shielded the silent tear that you let fall down your cheek, the moment of weakness you allowed yourself before you had to spend the next few days with the bravest of faces for your daughter's sake.

10pm on Sunday, he would be back home with you soon, and you will have a whole other week to prepare to say goodbye once more.

Time seemed to slow down when Lewis was away, and as much as you tried to busy yourself with school runs, homework and the occasional FaceTime call from Lewis, nothing seemed to distract you from the longing for his scent to engulf every room he was in, for the warmth of his body to be where you sought comfort of an evening in front of a film, and the laughter, the very specific giggle that both he and his daughter shared, ringing through the air of your home.

You realised quite early on that it did not matter what house, what city or what country you labelled as home, nothing actually felt like it was without him present. Your house was never a home until all three of you were in it, what was the point of love if it had no one to find?

‘Finished in P3 for quali, I might just get this win for you tomorrow x’

‘I never care where you finish just as long as you are safe x’

‘As long as I have my girls to come home to, I will always be safe x’

You wanted to scream at him when he said things like that, you were never one for superstition yet you knew well enough just how dangerous his job was. Lewis knew that you hated being apart from him but what he didn’t know was that every weekend you were wracked with nerves, how many times you held your breath until the third corner of a race, scared that any of his colleagues might make a mistake and take him away from you.

You would never tell him how you truly felt, you would never tell him that you kept a calendar in your mind for which you crossed off each race weekend as you waited for him to retire, that you recited prayers despite not being particularly religious, to keep him safe, that you wore a bracelet you had made with his initials, one that he told you he loved when you wore as it told the world of who you belonged to, but you wore it so you could hold him against your pulse point as he raced, the two hours he spends in the car you provide him your own heartbeat, just in case he needs a backup.

You are not a very superstitious person yet there is something about the love you have for the man who was born to be someone special to the world, to be the reason for your entire world, that makes you that way.

Bambi tried to stay awake for her dad to make it home, she always tries, but as soon as it hits 9pm and there is still no sign of him you feel her drift off to her dreams, the ones in which he is always present, and her head rests right on your arm until the sounds of the key turning in the door wake her.

That didn’t happen this night however, 9pm turned into 10, and 10pm quickly turned to midnight with no sign of him. It was on the fifteenth panicked message you sent him that you finally got a response, just as you were tiptoeing out of your daughter's room having put her to bed.

‘Baby I am so sorry, the flight was delayed. I’ll be home soon, don’t wait up for me x’

‘Just get home safe x’

You wanted to ignore his request to not wait up, you really wanted to count every second of his journey home just to know the very second he was back with you, but sleep overcame you around 1am and you drifted off on your side of the bed, leaving empty his side as you always did when he was away.

You hadn’t heard him arrive home at all, you hadn’t heard him undress nor did you feel him climb into bed, it was only the moment you felt his arm wrap around you, the moment you felt safe once again that you knew he was home.

“Lewis, you’re-”

“Ssh, baby. I’m here, go back to sleep.”

You turned over towards him, laying on his chest just to feel the way his chest lifted and fell as he breathed, to smell his musky scent from having travelled for hours, you were so grateful that he never showered, his natural scent was so comforting to you.

“I love when you’re home, Lewis.”

Even in a state of unconsciousness you would never go as far to tell him you hated when he left, your words were not built to make him feel guilty for living out his dreams, but you still wanted to him to know just a little of how only his presence in the house made it feel like a home.

Years ago you would have spent the first few hours expressing your love through desperate need for pleasure, and hunger for the other, but not now, not now you were so many years into life together, love making could wait, you were content enough with just hearing every deep breath he made as he slept, feeling the warmth of his very existence hit your face as you lay on him.

The sheets were cooler than they should be for having been slept on by two humans all night. Bambi had crept into bed with you both not long after Lewis had arrived home and the last thing you remembered was the image of her beautiful curls peeking out from under her red silk bonnet as she laid on the lion she favoured.

That sight had long disappeared and your stomach dropped. You knew that with the sunrise came the inevitability of Lewis knowing the truth, from you having to have a conversation with him that would rival the toughest of your life, and finding your bed long empty that morning only made the nerves worse.

What if he found out somehow? What if you were about to walk into a scene in which he shot daggers at you with his eyes across the room?

It was silent, completely silent. No sounds of laughter, no chattering between the loves of your life from the kitchen as they made breakfast together, it sounded as if you were home alone.

It was only as you walked into the living room that you saw your little girl standing with a bouquet of red roses in her hand, patiently waiting for you to enter. The smile on her face was the widest it had ever been, her eyes snuck looks to the side of the room you couldn’t yet see; you knew she was looking at Lewis.

“For you mummy!”

Bambi didn’t wait for you to question what was happening, instead she walked a little towards you to hand you the flowers.

“Daddy got them for you, aren’t they pretty?”

It was then that you realised she was dressed up like she was ready to go to a party, nothing at all like it was 7am on a Monday and she had school in a couple of hours. You took the roses from her and smelled them, they smelt fresh and expensive.

Before you even had a chance to look for him, Lewis called your name from just behind you, prompting you to turn around to see a sight you thought you might never see, especially after Vegas.

Knelt down on one knee, he held a seashell in his hand but not just any seashell, the very one you had watched Lewis and Bambi collect on the last walk on the beach, the one he had kept with him for months now, the one in which now held the biggest diamond ring you had ever seen.

Time froze, the nervous butterflies in your tummy did not disappear, instead they multiplied by a thousand as you failed to hear the words in which he spoke at first, too shaken by the secret you held to fully comprehend the gravity of the unexpected situation.

“...and the truth is, I have always been looking for an excuse to make sure you are mine forever. Will you marry me?”

That is when you looked at him, mute but for your eyes that told him a thousand things, he had so much hope in his own, so much hope that was quickly fading the longer you refused to answer.

“Mummy?”

If it wasn’t for Bambi reminding you she was witnessing this scene, you were certain you may have never answered him, but you couldn’t do this to her, she didn’t know you were already married, she didn’t know that you carried a secret with you that would change the course of everything, and she didn’t need to know that you had any doubts.

“Yes, yes…of course, I’ll marry you.”

Lewis’ smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, it was insincere, an act of kindness granted to the fictional scene you were both playing out for the sole benefit of your daughter as he hugged you, rather than placing the ring on your finger.

“We need to talk.”

He whispered those words into your ear before he asked Bambi to go and get dressed for school, he was kind with his asking of her but the sternness in his voice told her that you needed some space.

“I thought you would be happy? Didn’t you want the traditional wedding?”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t happy, Lewis…it’s just…I-I-I’m-”

“You’re pregnant, I know.”

“How? Did you see the scan picture or something?”

Lewis smirked at you, a smirk that mocked you almost, exactly like the secret you had kept for a week now, the one that troubled your every thought, was really no big deal at all.

“No, I could just tell…I’ve seen you pregnant before, I know exactly what the glow on your skin is telling the world. Are you not happy about it?”

He asked the question as if he was detached from the scenario, as if the choice of happiness was yours alone and in a way you appreciated it. You knew then that regardless of your answer, he would choose you.

“I’m just scared, I know this means more change for you, I know this makes your life even harder…”

Lewis held the hands that you fidgeted within his own as took the deepest of breaths.

“You want to know the truth? This makes my decision easier. Now I know I need to spend more time at home with you, at home with Bambi, at home with my family. I already told the team I am thinking of retiring at the end of this season-”

“No, no…don’t do that. I wasn’t going to ask you to-”

“Stop baby, I know you weren't going to ask me to retire but it’s time. I’ve achieved everything I can and I will be damned if I miss any more of my family's lives. My biggest regrets were missing all of Bambi’s firsts, I missed everything special just to drive a car around a track fast. That wasn’t what I was put on this earth to do, I was put on this earth to love that little girl, to guide her, to help her fulfil her dreams. I was put on this earth to love you. I can’t do any of that from a distance.”

“Lewis, please think about what you are saying…”

“I have thought about it, I’ve thought of nothing else since we got back together. I hate leaving you both, I hate making you both miss me. I want to be here, I want to wake up everyday to both of my girls and know I don’t have to leave.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Lewis didn’t let you hang your gaze to the floor for too long, nudging your chin up to look at him.

“For what?”

“For doing this to you twice now. I keep ruining your plans for the future by getting pregnant and-”

This time he didn’t stop your words with reassurances, he knew better than to try and convince you that your foolish worrying was wrong, he knew that only time could make you realise how wrong you were and now with the time he was granting you all, it would be worth it.

“Stop. You, Bambi, the new baby…that is my future plans.”

The butterflies in your tummy intensified as he placed a hand on it, it was so different this time around, this time around you were pregnant by your husband, albeit the husband you had married in secret and the one who had just proposed to you, the pregnancy wasn’t with a stranger but in fact you were now pregnant by a man who loved you more than anything you thought possible.

“You said there was a scan, can I see it?”

It was your turn to smirk now, you looked back at him as he stood waiting for you to return, knowing that everything he thought he knew would be turned upside down within the next thirty seconds.

You held the small piece of card against your chest as you walked back towards him, placing it in his hand and watching his expression intently.

He looked lovingly at the picture captured of the life in your womb, a smile you had seen only once before in the delivery room of the hospital at Bambi’s birth. A smile filled with pride, filled with hope and dreams and promises that he was the most equipped man to keep.

It was amusing how long it took for the realisation to dawn on him, just how long it took him to study the picture to realise exactly what he was looking at, but when he did, when he saw exactly what the picture was showing, his eyes widened and his bottom lip dropped in amazement.

“Is that…are we?”

“We’re expecting twins, Lewis.”

#lewis hamilton x reader #lewis hamilton x you #lewis hamilton fanfic #lewis hamilton one shot #lewis #ex #out of time

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