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#Sundays my morning shift so unless my family has plans I’ll probably work on it then
soullessjack · 9 months
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anyways 4:30am wip updates!!!!!!!!!!!! can you tell i love rendering hair :3
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purplesurveys · 3 years
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survey by trixie11
Yesterday
What time did you wake up? I woke up at 9:30 AM, extremely parched and hungover from the night before. Though I dunno if I should say the night before, since I was in a video call with my college friends from 9 PM to 5 AM, lol. But anyway, we drank a lot and talked a lot and it was SO much fun. I can’t believe it took us 10 months to do this.
Where were you sleeping at? I slept in my own bed, as always.
What was for breakfast? My dad made pancit with pork and vegetables. He also made a bowl of lugaw meant for both my mom (who’s currently on a diet) and for me (since he saw I looked wrecked, and lugaw is a popular hangover food).
What did you wear? I was wearing a black halter top and shorts during the day, but I took a shower in the afternoon and changed into a striped tank top and a new pair of shorts.
Did you go to school? Nope. I did visit UP with Andi last Friday and it felt so uhfjfdlsfsdfh being there. It was such a range of emotions, knowing I haven’t been there since March, I never got a proper senior year experience, seeing all the barriers blocking the streets that lead to the buildings that now double as COVID isolation facilities; and, of course, knowing that this was the place I shared with Gabie for four years and now she isn’t even a part of my life anymore in any way.
Did you go to work? No, it was a Sunday.
What was for lunch? My family always has breakfast really late, so it already doubles as our lunch. I think we were all in the living room to watch a mass livestream during noon.
What was for dinner? My mom made some kind of creamy pasta with toasted bread on the side.
Where else did you go? I stayed home yesterday since I had already gone out last Friday night with Andi and to recharge from my 7-hour call with friends last Saturday. Plus, going out would just tempt me to spend when I have barely anything left from my last paycheck, hahaha. 
What did you do there? I just had a Worth It marathon all day. I also finally got up to speed on the independent channel of BuzzFeed people Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara, and Steven Lim called Watcher. I remember subscribing as soon as they launched the channel a year ago but never had time to watch their any of their series. But I finally did, and it turns out I was missing out so bad; their content is pretty great.
Who did you talk to? Well I was up until 5 AM from the night before, and in that call were Blanch, Lui, Jo, JM, Kate, and Laurice. The day after, I talked to my dad, mom, Nina, Andi, and Angela.
Who did you hang out with? Just myself. Me time is super important to me, especially on Sundays.
Who did you text? My phone remained off for most of yesterday.
Who did you call? Didn’t need to call anyone, either.
Anything else about yesterday? By 5 AM only Kate, Laurice, Jo, and I were left in the call since the others got sleepy; we ended up talking about Nacho and thinking back to the time he passed away and sharing our own stories. That was sad, but also therapeutic. Andi also shared photos of them wearing the skirt I gave them for Christmas and I was super happy to see them feel confident in it.
Today
What time did you wake up? I first woke up at around 6:45 AM, but I went back to sleep and woke up again at 7:30. I usually get up to start work at 8, so I spent the next half hour trying to wake myself up and shake off the anxiety I was feeling.
Where'd you wake up at? Again, my bed.
What's for breakfast? Skipped it. It’s my lunch break now and my stomach’s been growling like crazy all morning, so after this survey I might go downstairs and find something to munch on.
School today? No school for me. In general, I think law school is off the table for good. JM told a lot of horror stories covering the toxic culture in law schools all over the country and it’s just...I just don’t think it’s worth it to go through the things he touched on just to get a law degree, especially since I’m not even passionate about being a lawyer. I just thought it could be an option since I like memorizing stuff, lol.
How about work? Yeah, I have work but it’s 12:10 so we’re on lunch break.
What's for lunch? I still have to see.
Dinner? Not sure. My dad usually makes delicious dinner though so I don’t think too hard about this.
Who did you talk to today? I’ve talked to some of my colleagues at work - Ysa, Bea, Denise, Danielle, Pia, and our newest associate Aimee, who starts today and who I already know since we went to college together and took up journalism - and I’ve also talked to Nina, Angela, and Kate.
Who'd you text? Nobody; I don’t really text anymore unless it’s for work. My weekly promo actually expired yesterday so I wouldn’t be able to text unless I redeem that promo again.
Who'd you call? I was in a video call with my work team this morning for our weekly check-in. Then I have three more work-related calls lined up this afternoon.
Anywhere else you're going? I plan to be at home for the rest of my shift and to stay home in the evening so that I have enough time to recharge before tomorrow morning.
What are you doing there? ^ Oop, already touched on that.
What did you wear today? I’m still wearing the same striped tank top + shorts combo from yesterday.
Anything else about today? I hate how anxious I get every Sunday evening/Monday morning before work when things have always ended up being more than okay 10 times out of 10. I don’t know where the nerves come from when I do my tasks correctly and on time, anyway. What matters is I’m settled now at work and I’m just looking forward to finish my shift.
Tomorrow
What time are you waking up? Same time, since I have the same routine every weekday. Sigh, I miss the variety that college life gave me - even things like having my first classes at different hours of the day every weekday already provided a lot of excitement. The 9-6 set-up + WFH can feel so lonely sometimes.
Where will you be waking up? I sleep in my bed like 98% of the time but I also end up passing out on the living room couch sometimes. I can never tell, so this is a question mark for now.
What are you going to eat for breakfast? I will probably skip breakfast as always. If not, I imagine having scrambled eggs, hotdogs, and a couple slices of white bread.
What are you going to wear? I’ll just pick out housewear items from my drawer.
Are you going to school? No.
Are you going to work? You know it.
What are you going to eat for lunch? I don’t plan this far ahead.
What are you going to eat for dinner? No clue but again, my dad will 100% whip up something delicious as he always does for dinner.
Where else are you going? I’m only staying at home since I will need a strong, consistent internet connection to be able to work. This goes for every weekday too.
Who will you talk to? The people I’ll surely talk to are Ysa, Bea, Pia, Danielle, and Aimee since I work with them daily. My parents and sister, too.
Who will you text? I still can’t tell, but probably no one.
Who will you call? I have one Google Meet call scheduled for tomorrow, but we’re 26 in the group and I’m not in the mood to list everyone’s names down.
Who will you hang out with? I’ll only be with myself. My friends are busy with their own stuff on weekdays too, so it’s okay.
Anything else about tomorrow? It’s one day closer to the weekend so it’s something to look forward to.
In conclusion...
What day of the week was yesterday? Yesterday was Sunday.
Today? Monday.
Tomorrow? Tuesday.
What was the date yesterday? January 17th.
Today? 18th.
Tomorrow? It’ll be the 19th.
Which of the three days do you think will be the best? Sunday was obviously the best.
Why? It was the weekend andddd I got to sleep in.
Which one do you talk to more people? Monday is usually the busiest day at work, so I think it would be safe to assume I’ll be talking to more people today compared to yesterday and tomorrow.
Call more people? My Monday schedules will occsionally be flooded with scheduled work-related video calls. I have four for today alone, but I’m already done with three; the last one isn’t until 4 PM.
Text more people? It always differs.
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visambros · 4 years
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For the sake of my future, I am leaving Tumblr.
I haven’t been very active on here, and I know I haven’t been particularly talkative either, but I’m making this post to let people know that I’m going. I may delete this blog in the future, but I’m keeping everything for now.
There is a long list of reasons why I’m doing this, but if you don’t want to read the entire post then the long story short version is: My life is a dumpster fire that will not change for the better unless I devote as much of my free time as possible into improving my craft so I can make a living through my art/writing.
Full details under the cut.
I’ve been planning on making this post for a while, but I didn’t want to abandon this account forever because despite not being as active on here as I used to be in the past, I’m still emotionally attached to my account and still wanted to use Tumblr as a means of entertainment when I wasn’t working. And I knew that if I made this post, I’d have to commit to staying away and I wanted to avoid that. But two things happened last Sunday that acted as a major wake up call for me.
1) There was a false alarm at a power plant not too far away from where I live. I don’t live in the same city as the power plant, but I live in what would be the danger zone should the power plant have a melt down. The false alarm for the power plant was issued in the morning. I don’t have a cell phone, but my sister (who I share a room with) does and received the alert for the “meltdown”. Since it woke her up, she was tired and accidentally exited the alert without reading it first. She then went back to sleep.
Now I don’t blame my sister for doing this. Hell, I probably would’ve done the same thing in her shoes.  My issue lies in the fact that, had there been an actual emergency, I would’ve a) slept through it or b) had no reliable way of getting out of the city.  I can’t drive, never learned how, so I couldn’t have driven myself to safety if my mom had decided not to leave the house (I know what you’re thinking; “why wouldn’t she leave the house?” and honestly she most likely would’ve left the city, but my mom has made enough stupid decisions throughout her life that her staying home isn’t outside the realm of possibility for me to believe).
Even though I know it was a false alarm, it’s still scary to think about how I could’ve died- or at least gotten very sick- had it been a real meltdown. I hate living in this city and I want to move, but I don’t have the means to do so at the moment.
2) My stepfather. For those who don’t know, my mom married a man she only knew for a few months and he is a horrible human being. He has threatened to kill me and my mom in the past, has been arrested multiple times since arriving to Canada (late last year he was arrested for possession of heroin), and is altogether an unpleasant and annoying man to be around.
So last Sunday night, I was doing the dishes when I heard a knock at the door. It was my stepfather, who had left the house for whatever reason and had returned. However, as I neared the door, I noticed that it was unlocked. He could’ve let himself in, but for whatever reason he was still knocking. I suddenly got it in my head that he wanted me to open the door so he could yank me outside without having to drag me through the house first.
I know that sounds paranoid, but the man is disturbed. I don’t think I’ve gone a week without at least worrying once that I was going to come home to my stepfather having murdered everyone else in the house while I was out. Added to the fact that he and I really hate each other and I was the one to call the police on him two times, and I think you could forgive me for thinking that he might try to hurt me if given the chance.
Despite my fears, I still opened the door for my stepfather. He didn’t attack me. He just went back inside and did whatever it was that he did. But even though nothing happened to me, I was still wound up for about five minutes and it felt like all the nerves in my body (especially my arms) were somehow taut and weak at the same time.
Aside from my sister, who is my only bright spot in this house, I don’t want to live with or have anything to do with this family anymore. I would’ve left years ago if I could. But again, I don’t have the means to do so at the moment.
This is why I’m leaving Tumblr.
I know that it’s super hard and almost impossible to make a decent living off the arts. I know I could try and try for the next decade and still not get anywhere I want to be. But I need to try, because I’m tired of my life being the way it is right now and I’m scared that things will never get better if I’m too passive.
I currently work at Walmart. I’m on my feet during the majority of my shift and my legs and knees hurt so bad I think I might be doing long lasting (but hopefully not permanent) damage to them. I work evenings, so I only have mornings and the weekends to get my art and writing done, but I’m so tired that my artistic productivity tends to drop off after Monday morning.
It’s too easy to spend my mornings and weekends procrastinating. It’s too easy for my life to turn into sleep>eat>Walmart>sleep>eat>Walmart until the day I die. The fact that it’d be so easy for me to be an old woman and still be at a similar stage in my life, even if I work my ass off trying to get my art/writing career going, fills me with so much existential dread I can hardly stand it.
But I’m tired of being so poor I could only visit my biological dad once while he was in the hospital for cancer. I’m tired of living with student loans that never seem to end. I’m tired of working at a job that demands so much of my time and energy. I’m tired of living in an area where people keep getting murdered in a less than a ten minute walk from my house. I’m tired of being afraid that I’ll come home from work and see police outside my house and body bags being taken into an ambulance. So I have to try, even if my chances of success are low.
I know I chose a bad career path for someone who wants to be financially comfortable. “Starving artist” is a stereotype that exists for a reason. But aside from it being my passion, I know I’m not good enough at anything else to make a proper living doing anything else. If I can’t make my dreams a reality, I’ll just be stuck in retail for the rest of my life, and I would honestly rather die than live like that. And I don’t want to die. Despite my anxiety and depression issues, despite the fact that I sometimes struggle with suicidal idealization, I don’t want to die. I just want my life to get better.
So when I say I’m leaving Tumblr, I don’t mean I’m just leaving Tumblr. I mean I’ll be using the internet as a whole for mainly a research/resource tool for my art and writing. Which means I’ll be spending very little time for leisure on the internet. It also means I won’t be socializing much anymore, which sucks because I like having internet friends (even though I’m bad at keeping in touch) but if I want my dreams to come true, I can’t be distracted by anything, even other people. From this point onward, I’ll essentially be working (almost) nonstop, only taking enough breaks so my brain doesn’t melt from the stress.
I know this is all very extreme, but I really haven’t fully expressed how absolutely desperate I am for my life to stop being so horrible. Maybe if I grind hard enough, things will be okay someday.
If you made it this far, thank you. And I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you uncomfortable or hurt you in any way.
Goodbye everybody.
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oliveam · 4 years
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hiya  loves  !   i’m  so  pumped  to  be  here  ,  truly  can’t  believe  my  eyes  w  the  surplus  of  talent  all  around  me  !   unfortunately  capitalism  literally  has  me  in  a  chokehold  &  the  life  of  a  retail  worker  trudges  on  even  with  the  virus  rampant  ,  so  i’m  actually  at  work  ,  soz  ,  but  i’m  eager  to  spend  the  hours  between  shifts  eagerly  making  up  for  lost  time  (  &  for  once  i  actually  did  something  in  advance  to  ensure  i  wouldn’t  get  stuck  behind  the  current  . . .  clearly  i’m  love  struck  )  !  so  here  this  baby  is  ,  &  here  eye  am  (  amie  ,  9teen  ,  pst  )  to  love  &  be  loved  back   ;_;
full   name   :        olive   penelope   black nicknames   :        o   ,   olly   if   you’re   prepared   to   be   glared   into   an   early   grave birthdate   :        october   31 hometown   :        portland   ,   maine current   location   :        cape     coral     international   school      ,      maine languages   spoken   :        english    ,    latin    ,    some   italian distinguishing   features   :        pearly   white   smile   ,   runway   ready   hair   at   all   times physical   ailments   :        asthma sexuality   :        bisexual   but   in   the   closet likes   :        morning   crossword   puzzles   with   her   dad   ,   mint   chocolate   ice   cream   ,   amazon   prime   (  fleabag   &   the   marvelous   mrs.   maisel   in   particular  )   ,   the   comfort   of   her   room   ,   math   class   with   her   favorite   professor   ,   sibling   outings   where   she   can   force   them   to   pay   attention   wholly   to   her   ,   rock   music   ,   being   a   nosy   lil   witch   ,   pouting   ,   a   racket   in   her   hand   ,   pride   &   prejudice   (  2005  ,  obvs  ) dislikes   :        church   on   sunday   mornings   ,   the   radio   ,   facebook   (  the   social   network   on   the   other   hand   .  .  .  )   ,   feeling  /  being   out   of   the   loop   ,   martinis   ,   being   alone   with   her   mother character    trope   :        the   maiden   .    the   main   draw   to   this   particular   trope   was   the   analogy   to   fiona   from   shrek   ,   who   can   be   likened    to   olive   quite   meaningfully   ,   with   the   parallels   between   each   girl’s   youth   coming   to   mind   (  save  for  the  whole  ogre  business  ,  though  she  does  have  queen  of  the  swamp  noted  in  her  future  plans  )   ,   such   as   being   raised   in   a   coddled   ,   spoiled   home   ,   but   lacking   any   true   relationship   with   the   bearers   of   her   gilded   childhood   (  more  so  her  mother  in  olive’s  case  )   .   if   her   parents   could   have   stuck   her   up   in   a   tower   during   her   teenage   years   ,   they   would   have   signed   straight   up   as   a   clause   in   the   adoption   papers   .   moreover   ,   olive   believes   she   knows   best   ,   when   really   she   doesn’t   know   much   at   all   ⏤⏤⏤   about   the   important   things   ,   at   least   .   she   is   currently   unaware   about   her   family’s   involvement   with   the   collapse   ,   &   is   far   from   suspecting   a   thing   ,   though   she   is   nosy   beyond   all  else   ,   which   won’t   bode   well   in  her   future   ⏤⏤⏤   she   might   have   overlooked   the   whole   scandal   as   nothing   more   than   an   interesting   change   in   school   dynamics   at   first   ,   but   if   there’s   even   an   inkling   that   tickles   her   radar   ,   it’ll   be   tough   to   distract  &  throw   her   off   the   trail   .  
‘      .      ⋆        ❬        🎶      !
001.    stay    (    i    missed    you    )    by    lisa    loeb    .        while  olive  may  not  have  experienced  the  events  depicted  in  the  song  herself  (  nor  ever  been  in  a  relationship  )  ,  the  voice  of  the  narrator  speaks  strongly  to  her  ,  &  if  a  break - up  like  that  ever  would  happen  to  olive  ,  this  is  how  she’d  react  ,  but  more  so  than  the  lyrics  are  the  annotations  &  notes  on  the  song’s  genius  page  ,  which  if  anything  served  as  inspiration  for  olive  .  the  thing  that  really  cemented  this  song  for  me  though  was  this  :  “  you said that i was naive and i thought that i was strong  ”  .  a  perfect  way  to  sum  her  up  !  
002.    you    sexy    thing    by    zella    day    .        lmfao  ,  she’s  a  romantic  babey  !!!  but  fr  ,  this  is  how  she’d  act  if  she  ever  got  loved  up  .
003.    creme    de    la    creme    by    evalyn    .        this  song  just  . . .  gets  her  .  literally  every  lyric  is  a  tidbit  i  can  go  on  about  ,  but  even  the  general  i  don’t  know  what  my  life  is  ,  but  i  know  this  vibe  of  it  all  is  just  chef’s  kiss  . 
‘      .      ⋆        ❬        🕶      !
olive  was  adopted  as  a  newborn  under  circumstances  unknown  to  her  ,  but  her  dad  liked  to  joke  she  came  to  them  by  way  of  a  stork  .  she  thought  this  was  true  until  the  age  of  nine  .
introduces  herself  as  olive  ,  immediately  followed  by  “  my mom love’s a martini  ”  .  most  people  take  it  as  a  joke  .  it’s  not  :/
a  lot  of  people  like  to  throw  the  word  ‘ prude ’  around  ,  enough  so  that  it’s  basically  synonymous  with  olive’s  name  at  this  point  .  safe  to  say  ,  that’s  a  typical  schoolyard  insult  that  stuck  six  years  too  long  .  she’s  not  picky  ,  or  even  obsessed  with  finding  the  RiGhT  oNe  .  if  anything  ,  she’s  almost  desperate  for  love  ,  but  in  a  way  that  she  doesn’t  actually  want  it  .  or  is  too  scared  of  its  enormity  .  take  the  heralded  richard  siken  quote  for  example  :   actually  ,  you  said  love  ,  for  you  ,  is  larger  than  the  usual  romantic  love  .  it’s  like  a  religion  .  it’s  terrifying  .  no  one  will  ever  want  to  sleep  with  you  .  i  mean  ??  that  quote  just  strips  this  bitch  down  to  her  core  !  &  if  i  loved  you  less  ,  i  might  be  able  to  talk  about  it  more  !!!!!!!!!!  (  she  doesn’t  currently  love  anyone  ,  but  y’all  get  the  gist  )  .  it’s  overwhelming  in  a  way  that  she’s  scared  to  be  so  wholly  overtaken  by  something  she  doesn’t  understand  ,  yet  yearns  .  i  could  continue  to  yap  about  this  particular  subject  forever  ,  but  i’ll  save  your  eyes  .  
olive’s  got  a  head  on  her  shoulders  ,  a  sharp  one  at  that .  her  grades  aren’t  the  highest  in  her  year  ,  nor  even  in  the  top  ten  ,  but  that’s  more  down  to  her  general  lack  of  passion  for  school  than  might  of  mind  .  she’s  got  a  keen  eye  &  an  even  keener  mind  when  she  wills  it  ,  shedding  the  role  of  spoiled  brat  imprinted  upon  her  by  fortune  without  issue  if  the  situation  appropriately  deems  it  .
olive  is  a  sweetheart  at  her  core  ,  but  she  can  be  quite  callous  .  not  in  a  cruel  way  ,  a  la  a  regina  george  ,  but  in  a  harsh  way  she  can’t  quite  control  ,  when  her  filter  gets  screwed  &  she’s  not  prone  to  sensitivity  ,  or  is  moody  &  prone  to  a  swift  mood  shift  .  that  said  ,  she’s  as  warm  as  a  hug  from  your  nana  to  most  ,  while  being  unafraid  to  make  her  favorites  clear  ,  generally  paying  so  much  attention  to  particular  people  that  others  feel  iced  out  ,  when  really  they’re  just  not  on  her  radar  ,  as  brutal  as  that  sounds  .  for  her  friends  ,  she’s  genuinely  ride  or  die  ;  think  mike  from  stranger  things  (  she’d  jump  off  that  cliff  for  dustin’s  baby  teeth  any  day  !  )  .  she  was  also  raised  a  certain  way  ,  with  luxuries  at  her  fingertips  ,  &  may  unintentionally  be  tone  deaf  at  times  ,  though  that’d  probably  be  from  coming  on  too  hard  rather  than  being  ignorant  .  
if  you  lie  to  her  ,  she  won’t  ever  forget  it  ,  nor  truly  forgive  .  i  wouldn’t  test  it  .
seriously  .  she’s  been  coding  /  hacking  since  she  was  eight  as  a  playtime  &  since  excelling  in  math  courses  &  generally  sharpening  the  skill  through  hours  wasted  on  gaming  sites  &  html  that  positively  drys  the  eyes  right  out  a  la  spongebob  ,  she’s  gotten  better  than  she  can  even  objectively  note  .  she’ll  browse  the  school  system  for  fun  or  on  a  dare  ,  but  she’s  never  been  invested  enough  in  a  certain  grade  to  change  it  for  herself  ,  so  browsing  is  all  it  was  .  that  is  ,  unless  a  friend  asks  for  a  favor  ⏤⏤⏤  that  ride  or  die  life  baby  .  
she’s  a  fighter  !  she’s  a  lover  !  she  will  kick  ass  &  kiss  cheeks  !  
‘      .      ⋆        ❬        👯      !
i  like  to  really  delve  into  personally  forged  connections  between  muns  ,  so  unfortunately  no  wanted  cons  as  of  yet  ,  but  here  is  where  all  of  olive’s  established  connections  will  sit  !  for  now  ,  i  do  have  this  tag  :~)
⋆     connection    /     tba     .        blah  blah  !   
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hazelbaum · 5 years
Text
Boyfriend appreciation post time!!!
First off, I wanna start by apologizing for the mush and feels that is about to ensue, but also, I’m not sorry because this is just who I am as a person — I’m a sap and a helpless romantic. I just love my sugar muffin so much.
If I’m being completely honest here, I’ve never had someone care for me and worry about me the way my boyfriend does. I’ve never had someone put up with all my shit and everyone else’s shit to take care of me, and not to mention my son as well. It’s been a little rough trying to figure things out and plan our next steps in our relationship. Ever since I decided I wanted to marry him I knew I wanted to build the rest of my life with him. I just didn’t know how to get there. How we were going to get there. Obviously, money is always an issue, there never seems to be enough to do what you need and want unless you’re very wealthy. For the most part it’s a struggle for everyone. But for me, I never had to worry about the basics. Like food and shelter. My parents always provided me with those securities. I never thought much of how I needed to go about providing my own securities, nor did I have much desire to. Until my boyfriend.
I had never pictured so vividly a domestic life. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s true. I didn’t think waking up to a small family in a cute little house was in the cards for me. I knew I always wanted it, but I never went out of my way to pursue it. Now, I want it so bad it’s all I think about. I’ll be out and about and something will catch my eye and I’ll immediately attach some fantasy about this object being in my home or how my tiny family would utilize it. It’s like having this memory that didn’t happen, but it’s so real I can picture every detail. Like future deja vu or something. I’m seriously becoming obsessed — if I’m not already — with living with this man and raising my son together and possibly having a few more. I just want this future together. Sure, I have my anxieties, and they may take me a while to work through, but he’s so patient with me. I just appreciate him so much. I don’t know how he does it all.
My boyfriend recently went back to a very stressful job with a serious pay raise, hallelujah for the raise, not so happy about the stress. I worry about him. I honestly do so much. I make myself so anxious and panicky with worry. I just want him to feel comfortable and safe and happy in a work space. See, my boyfriend is transgender (pre T and pre top surgery). Although I live in a seemingly accepting community there’s still bad places with bad people. Well, maybe not necessarily bad, but completely ignorant.
My boyfriend worked temporarily at a locally owned chain sandwich shop. The owner’s wife hired him in and was impressed with his work history. She was very eager to add him on, but everything changed when the husband came in to work a shift one day early on during my boyfriend’s short time there. The owner very nastily recommended my boyfriend dress and look more feminine, and if he was going to take time off for top surgery he’d better find a different place to work. My gut was in knots when my boyfriend told me what this business owner’s “recommendations” were. It was sick and downright rude, not to mention transphobic. It makes me wonder how many other establishments and people are like this. Places I love giving my business to. People I support. It’s sad and it breaks my heart. I don’t really know what really went through my boyfriend’s head when he experienced that. I don’t really know what he felt other than anger and hurt. And I probably won’t ever know other than what he tells me. It hurts to know that I don’t completely understand what he goes through. I can see what it does, though he tries to hide it. I know there’s nothing I can do other than comfort him, support him, and give him all the love I can.
The thing is, I have never experienced straight up homophobia or discrimination based on my sexual preferences. I only realized I was pansexual a year or so before we started dating. I believe I was 21 (I’m 24 now). So being a recently out person I haven’t experienced what so many have experienced in public places. It scares me because I know it’s coming. Statistically, I know it’s bound to happen sooner or later. I won’t know what or how until it does. So when I say I don’t know what my boyfriend has been through as an openly gay person, let alone an openly trans person, I really mean that. I try not to be naive and think I can just love all the pain and rejection away. I try, but I know it’s not that easy. And that’s why we talk about things. We talk about our pasts and I try to use that and be better for him. Be better than what he’s been given. Because we all deserve better.
I want to spend my life with this man and I hope he’s patient enough to spend it with me. He works himself to the bone to make sure we can reach our next goals as a couple. It’s difficult for me to see him work so hard so we can have a little slice of heaven to call our own. Sometimes I wanna tell him let’s just be miserable together, but honestly, I can’t do it. I really wanna have this basic ass domestic life. It’s so cheesy, but I love it and I only want it with him. I wanna have lazy Sunday mornings in bed with waffles and crazy fast food Wednesday nights when we’re ready for it to be Friday already. Surprise afternoon naps because we’re too tired to function and holey underwear days because I procrastinated with the laundry. Second trips to the grocery store because I’m so forgetful I walk around the whole store twice to make sure I get everything, only to realize when I get home he asks me about the one thing I didn’t get.
I want it all. I can’t imagine it with anyone but him. I need it and crave it way more than I care to admit, but he knows it because he wants it just as bad. I love our love. I love the understanding we have for each other. I love how we fit together, even if it’s not always perfect. We just make so much more sense than anything else I’ve had in this world. I love him and that’s all I can say. It’s great and I’m happy with him. I’m happy with us and I’m happy with our tiny family.
I love you, baby.
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argyle-s · 6 years
Text
THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME CHAPTER 33/38
Rating: Mature
Read at Ao3
Start at the Beginning
Kara gets a phone call, and Leslie wakes up.
Thanks to @ifourmindbeso for her great work as a beta. Any remaining mistakes are entirely my own.
Chapter 33 -  The Enemy of My Enemy is My Frenemy
“Lady Kara,” Kolex said.
Kara jumped slightly as the interruption broke her concentration. She took a moment to take a deep breath, then looked away from the monitor displaying Leslie’s vitals.
“Yes, Kolex?” she asked.
“Your sister is attempting to reach you.”
“Put it through,” Kara said.
“Kara, are you there?” Alex asked.
“I’m here,” Kara replied.
“Would you mind telling me where here is?” President Marsdin’s voice cut in.
“Kolex, patch through video,” Kara said. The monitor when had been displaying Leslie’s vital signs switched to a split screen view. One side showed the Oval Office, and the other side showed J’onn, Alex, Susan and Lucy all sitting at a conference table in one of the DEO briefing rooms. “Hello, Madam President. I’m currently a few hundred miles off the California coast. A little vacation house I keep, similar to my Cousin’s.”
“Well, perhaps sometime when you’re not wanted for kidnapping and attempted murder, you could give me a tour,” Marsdin said.
“Well, I’m guessing the story leaked,” Kara said.
“If by leaked, you mean ‘is currently the front-page headline on every news website in the country,’ then yes,” Marsdin said. “The CatCo and Daily Planet websites are trying to put a positive spin on it, but Cat isn’t sure how long that will last. Apparently, the board is holding an emergency meeting at 10:00 AM tomorrow morning. Cat believes she’ll be removed from the CEO’s position at that time. It’s also likely CatCo will formally cut all ties with Supergirl under the moral turpitude clause in the contracts.”
“That won’t happen,” Kara said.
Olivia leaned towards the camera. “Miss Danvers, that is exactly what will happen unless you can clear your name in the next seven hours. Please, tell me you have good news.”
“The Regeneration Matrix has managed to repair the damage to Leslie’s brain, not to mention every other major organ and her bones. Physically, she’s in better shape than she was before the attack. Probably in better shape than she’s been at any point in her life.”
“I sense a ‘but’ coming,” Marsdin said.
“But the technology was designed to work on Kryptonians. Our physiology is naturally regenerative. Even without our powers, we will eventually heal from anything that doesn’t kill us. Under a red sun, we’re as prone to scarring as humans, but the Regeneration Matrix was designed with that in mind. It can repair gross physical damage down to the genetic level, but with a Kryptonian brain, that would be enough. You fix the damage, and neural activity will re-initiate on its own. Humans… not so much.”
“In English, please, Miss Danvers.”
“I’ll put it in High Durlan if you like, but the long and short of it is, Leslie’s in there, her mind and memories intact, but she needs a jump start.” Marsdin was good, Kara had to admit. She would have missed the flinch when she mentioned Marsdin’s species if she hadn’t been watching for it, but it was there.
“Do you have any way to do that?” Marsdin asked. “If she could tell us who attacked her, a lot of headaches would go away.”
“Well, there are two things that might possibly do it,” Kara said. “The first is a telepathic kickstart.”
“We don’t have access to a friendly telepath right now,” Marsdin said.
Kara frowned. “A moment, Madam president,” she said, and keyed in a quick command that cut Marsdin out of the conference with the DEO.
“I thought we were going to brief her on Peru,” Kara said.
“Did you just put the President on hold?” J’onn asked.
Kara shrugged. “I can loop her back in if you want to have this conversation with her on the line.”
“Kara,” Alex said, cutting in, “she didn’t give us time. Once she came on the line, she demanded to speak with you, and wouldn’t hear anything else.”
“Fine,” Kara said. “Look, Director, I know I made a bit of a unilateral decision with regards to something that impacts you personally-“
“It was the right decision,” J’onn said. “If you’re right about who’s behind this, what happened in Peru would come out sooner rather than later anyway. Best get ahead of it.”
“Right. I’m bringing her back in.”
Kara touched a control.
“Supergirl, I’m not sure how things were done on Krypton, but here, you do not put the President on hold.”
“Sorry about that I, but I needed to find out why you hadn’t been read in on a certain issue that has a material impact on our current situation.”
“I see,” Marsdin said. “And would you like to read me in now?”
Kara turned to Kolex. “Is this line secure?”
“Yes, Lady Kara.”
Kara turned back to the video pick up. “Olivia, how familiar are you with Director Henshaw’s record with the DEO?’
Marsdin frowned. “More familiar than I’d like, if I’m honest. I seriously considered removing him based on the early portion of that record. If there hadn’t been such a drastic change in the way he managed the organization after he lost his team in Peru, Director Henshaw would be scrubbing toilets at McMurdo Station, unless I could find some other, less pleasant duty for him.”
“That’s fair,” J’onn said. “But there was a good reason for the change in management styles.”
“I imagine getting a bunch of good men killed pointlessly was a good motivator.”
“For the Hank Henshaw who lead those men to Peru, probably not,” J’onn said. “However, the mission report for Peru leaves out a few details.”
“Would you care to fill them in?” Marsdin asked.
“During the mission, Jeremiah Danvers got separated from the team. That much is in the report. What isn’t in the report is that the alien he found there wasn’t the threat that Hank Henshaw expected. He was a refugee. The last of his kind. A Green Martian, driven from his home world when the White Martians started a civil war and slaughtered his people. The Martian saved Jeremiah’s life, and the two of them began talking. They became friends. Jeremiah even told him about Kara and Alex. Then, Hank Henshaw found them, and before Jeremiah could stop him, Henshaw attacked and wounded the Martian. Jeremiah tried to protect him. He and Henshaw struggled, wounding each other before Jeremiah threw Henshaw off a cliff. Jeremiah died shortly there after.”
“The Martian, grieving for the only friend he’d known since the death of his species, decided that hiding did no one any good. So, he took on Henshaw’s form, and he returned, and stepped into Henshaw’s place as director of the DEO, where he could help protect this world from the fate of his own, while also protecting the aliens from Henshaw’s excesses. He was also able to keep the DEO from touching Jeremiah’s family, right up until he recruited Alex Danvers as an agent.”
J’onn stood up and transformed.
“Holy shit!” Lucy shouted as she pushed back from the table.
“My name is J’onn J’onzz, I am the sole survivor of my race, and the Last Son of Mars.”
“/.:zhaolium zw rroskilahres :dhiviao/” Kara muttered under her breath.
“You mean to tell me that an alien shape shifter infiltrated the very organization that was tasked with hunting him down, took it over, and has done a better job leading it than the person whose place he took?”
“Yes, ma’am, I do,” J’onn said. He shifted back into his human form and sat down.
Marsdin shook her head. “I don’t know whether to laugh or order Major Lane to shoot you,” she said. “I’m taking it from Agents Danvers and Vasquez’s reactions that they were already aware of this situation?”
“We were,” Susan and Alex said together.
“Well, this is a new and horrible political shit storm you’ve handed me,” Marsdin said. “But leaving that aside, why does this have any bearing on the fact that Cat Grant’s pet superhero is wanted for at least two felonies?”
“Because the real Hank Henshaw is alive,” Kara said. “You’re aware of project Cadmus?”
“Yes,” Marsdin said. “And I have the executive order terminating Cadmus sitting right next to the Alien Amnesty Act and the stack of Pardons, all awaiting my signature on Monday.”
“Well, Henshaw has been modified using alien technology. Cadmus rebuilt him into some kind of Cyborg Superman,” Kara said. “He’s got almost the full package. Heat vision, Kryptonian-level strength. Flight. The only thing they couldn’t give him was freeze breath.”
“So he attacked Willis,” Marsdin said. “And after you gave Leslie the little on-air verbal smackdown, everyone will assume it’s you. Perfect. Wonderful. How the hell did you piece all this together from the middle of the Ocean?”
“I didn’t,” Kara said. “I’ve known about Cadmus for a while. I’ve been delaying a confrontation, hoping I could get the situation with the Kryptonians and other Fort Rozz prisoners settled first, but I think my confrontation with General Lane on Sunday may have pushed them into acting.”
“So, we have a Kryptonian-level threat in National City, which is being supported by rogue factors within the US government, including Major Lane’s father, and now I have to figure out how to leave an alien imposter in control of our major arm of law enforcement for aliens. Meanwhile, Cat Grant’s media empire is about to be destroyed, likely taking my political future down in flames with it. Does that about sum it up?” Marsdin asked.
“Well, there’s one other thing,” Kara said.
“Oh, please. I don’t hate this day nearly enough yet,” Marsdin said.
“If the telepathic jolt doesn’t wake Leslie up, I have a backup plan,” Kara said.
“That’s actually good news,” Marsdin said, sighing with relief.
“Maybe,” Kara said. “Leslie Willis carries the metahuman gene, which means that given the right circumstances, that gene could be triggered. Metahuman expression is almost always accompanied by a biological reset, which includes neural activity.”
“Metahuman expression is wildly unpredictable,” Marsdin said.
“It is,” Kara said. “Which is why I want to try the telepathic jump start option first, but if that fails, I’ll be triggering her meta gene.”
“I notice that you’re phrasing that as a statement.”
“Leslie did not deserve this,” Kara said. “I might not have been happy with what she said on the radio the other day, but that doesn’t mean that I wanted to see her hurt, and she was hurt because of me. If I have a way of giving her back the life Hank Henshaw took from her, I will. You don’t get a say in that.”
Marsdin’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “You know, I don’t think anyone is ever going to enjoy being on your bad side.”
“If they do, I’m doing something wrong,” Kara said. “Madam President, I know I’m the cause of your current problems, but I do need to ask one small favor.”
“What’s that?”
“You’re aware, no doubt, that Lillian Luthor is heavily involved with Project Cadmus.”
“I am,” Marsdin said. “That’s part of why I want to close it down, and not just restructure it.”
“Can you assign a protection detail to her daughter, Lena?”
“Okay… I wasn’t expecting that request. Would you mind telling me why?”
“I’m afraid Lillian might kill Lena. As Lena’s only living relative not in prison, she’d stand to inherit, and I suspect the LuthorCorp board would be far more amicable to Lillian taking over, which would give Lillian unfettered access to all of Lex’s hidden toys.”
“You think she’d kill her own daughter?” Marsdin asked.
“Lena’s not Lillian’s biological daughter. Lionel had an affair and adopted Lena after the mistress died.”
“Right,” Marsdin said. “Protection detail it is. Get Willis back on her feet as soon as possible. Once that’s done, we’ll go from there. Remember, the CatCo board meets at 10:00 AM.”
“We’ll get it done.”
Marsdin cut the line from her end, leaving Kara with just a connection to the DEO.
“Lucy,” Kara said.
“Yeah?” Lucy asked.
“How you holding up?”
“I… I think I want to vomit?” Lucy immediately paled and turned to J’onn. “That wasn’t directed at you,” she said. “It’s just… my dad…”
“It’s okay, Major,” J’onn said. “It’s a lot to take in.”
“I’m sorry, Lucy,” Kara said. “I wish we had time to talk about it, but please believe me when I say this isn’t how I wanted this to play out.”
“I do,” Lucy said.
“Good,” Kara replied. “J’onn, you have your phone?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Stand by for transmat.”
“Whenever you’re ready,” J’onn said.
Kara hit the activation button for the transmat system, and J’onn disappeared from the screen and appeared next to her. Kara tried not to laugh as he scrunched up his face like he’d just bit into a lemon, and shook his head.
“That was almost as unpleasant as being in the room with General Lane,” J’onn said.
“Yeah,” Kara said. “You once described it as feeling like you were trying to phase through solid kryptonite. Which, don’t. No one came out of that looking pretty.” She shuddered at the memory of the day J’onn had phased them both through a kryptonite barrier to get her out of a Cadmus trap.
“Noted,” J’onn said. “Where’s Leslie?”
“In the next room, but I think it’s best if you transform before you go in. Her waking up to the sight of Hank Henshaw isn’t going to do either of us any good.”
“Point taken,” J’onn said, as he shifted into his true form.
Kara stood up and lead him into the next room, where Leslie lay in the Regeneration Matrix. The sight made Kara uncomfortable, because Kara had never known Leslie to be still. The first three times they’d met, Leslie had tried to kill her, but after that, after the battle of CatCo plaza, Leslie had become an ally. There was too much between them to ever really be close. Leslie blamed her for Cat dying, which Kara couldn’t argue with since she blamed herself, and their grief had turned into a brick wall between them. That hadn’t stopped Kara from caring about her, if for no other reason than Leslie had been one of her last links to Cat.
Kara stepped up to the console, and deactivated the Regeneration Matrix, opening the crystalline enclosure.
“Autonomic functions are normal,” Kara said. “She’s breathing and her heart is beating without outside support. We just need to restart higher brain function.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” J’onn said, stepping up next to the platform Leslie lay on. Kara could easily see the look of concentration on his face, but her attention was focused on the brain activity monitor, which didn’t move a bit. J’onn kept trying, working for almost half an hour, before he finally sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry. There’s nothing for me to latch on to. Without at least a spark of consciousness, there isn’t really anything I can do.”
Kara nodded, feeling the disappointment, and more than a little dread setting in. “It’s okay,” she said. “Thanks for trying. Do you want to transmat back, or would you rather fly?”
“I’d prefer to fly, but I think I the transmat would raise fewer eyebrows at the DEO,” J’onn said.
“Just think, pretty soon, that won’t be an issue.”
J’onn raised his eyebrow and tilted his head slightly. “Or Marsdin will cut her losses and have me locked up.”
Kara shook her head. “Won’t happen,” she said. “I have too much leverage.”
“You know something about Marsdin?” J’onn asked.
“Just that she’s a Durlan,” Kara said. “Reptilian species with limited shape shifting abilities. Sort of super chameleons. There’s a huge colony here on Earth. Been here four centuries. Heck, Marsdin’s actually a natural born citizen and everything.”
“You threatened her,” J’onn said, with a look somewhere between annoyed and impressed.
“We do what we have to do to protect the people we love.” She reached out and squeezed his shoulder. “Go on. Kolex will send you back. I’ve got to turn a woman whose career I just ruined into an insanely powerful metahuman with abilities that can actually hurt me.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” J’onn asked.
“Doesn’t matter,” Kara said. “I’ve already watched Leslie die for my sins once. I’m not up for it again.”
J’onn nodded and headed out of the medical hall. A moment later, Kara heard the transmat working, and turned back to Leslie. She closed the Regeneration Matrix, and turned the system back on, feeding in the metagenetic profile of Livewire she’d brought back with her from the future. There were a couple of small tweaks to it. This time, Leslie’s ability to produce melanin shouldn’t be damaged be the transformation, and she’d tweaked the regenerative powers up just a notch, so Leslie would heal almost as fast as Kara did.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Kara said as she triggered the gene sequencer, and began the process of writing Livewire’s meta genes into Leslie’s body. It took about ten minutes before the process was done. Then Kara took Leslie out of the Regeneration Matrix and carried her over to a table she’d had Kolex prep for just this moment. She lay Leslie down on the table, took her hand and recited the invocation Zatanna had given her to disable the wards on her soul.
“Hit me, Kolex,” Kara said.
The robot floated around behind her, putting Kara firmly between itself and Leslie as it extended the device Kara had ordered it to build earlier. A betahedron connected to an arc projector. The device fired an arc of electricity the strength of a lightning bolt right into Kara’s back. Kara felt the current run down into her arm, through her hand, and into Leslie.
A moment later, Leslie sat up screaming.
“Easy,” Kara said. “Easy. You’re okay. You’re safe.”
Leslie scrambled back, trying to get away from her, but the table wasn’t much bigger than Leslie, and she slipped and started to topple off, so Kara used a burst of speed to zip around the table and catch her. The fall only seemed to make Leslie panic harder, and when she suddenly found herself in Kara’s arms, she reached, swinging her fist out, and punching Kara in the chest. If she’d done it the day before, she would have broken her hand, but with her meta gene activated, the punch was accompanied with a massive surge of electricity, which threw Kara across the room, slamming her into a wall.
Kara winced as she pulled herself to her feet, her chest throbbing even as her powers healed her. As much as it hurt, Kara was glad it happened, because it the shock of it seemed to break Leslie out of her panic. She sat on the ground, next to the table, looking down at her hands as electricity arced between her fingers.
“What the hell?” Leslie asked as she sat staring at her hands. It only took a moment for a smile to spread across her face, then she looked up and thrust a hand towards Kara.
Nothing happened.
“It’s a side effect,” Kara said as she stood up.
“Of what?” Leslie asked.
“You got hurt,” Kara said. “You remember?”
“Yeah,” Leslie said. “One of your super groupies came after me.”
“Not one of mine,” Kara said. “You remember what he looked like?”
“Yeah,” Leslie said. “Black guy. Muscular. Sour expression on his face, like some teenager just stole his parking space.”
“Kolex, project an image of Hank Henshaw.” A hologram of Henshaw appeared in front of Leslie, and from the way she flinched and backed away, Kara didn’t have much doubt she’d been right. “Is that him?”
“Yes,” Leslie said. “But what does that have to do with me shooting lightning out of my hands?”
“Kolex, end projection,” Kara said as she walked over to Leslie. “Your injuries were bad. When he attacked you, he tore some blood vessels deep inside your brain. The doctors couldn’t do anything, but I have a medical device from Krypton that could, so I brought you here.” She knelt down in front of Leslie.
“The machine didn’t have any problem fixing the physical damage to your brain, but Kryptonian and human brains work a little differently. It couldn’t restart your neural activity. I tried a few things, but I couldn’t wake you up. Most people wouldn’t have made it, but you carry the meta gene. You know what that is?”
“No, Sunshine, I haven’t read the news in about twenty years,” Leslie snapped.
Kara rolled her eyes. “Fine. When the meta gene is activated, one of the things it does is basically reboot your entire body. I activated yours to wake you up.”
“Why?” Leslie asked. “First you send talk dark and deadly to kill me and now you’re giving me super powers? And why can’t I do it again?”
“You think I sent him to kill you?” Kara asked. “Why would I do that?”
“You were pretty pissed the other day,” Leslie said.
Kara sighed. “Leslie, if I killed someone every time they insulted me, my high school would be a smoking hole in the ground, and all the guys I went on dates with in college would have heat vision holes in their head.”
“I thought you were gay,” Leslie said.
“I am, but a lot of guys called me a frigid bitch before I figured that out.”
“Assholes,” Leslie said.
Kara couldn’t keep the shock off her face.
“What?” Leslie said. “You think I don’t know what it’s like to have a date get pissed when you won’t put out?”
“No,” Kara said, “I’m just a little shocked you said something nice to me. Well, not nice. I mean, you called every guy I ever dated an asshole. But sort of nice, because-”
“Oh, for the love of God, either shut up, or kill me.”
Kara laughed. “Okay, that’s more like the Leslie Willis I know.”
“So, why can’t I zap you again?” Leslie asked.
“You’re out of juice,” Kara said. “You’re like a capacitor. You can store energy and let it go whenever you want, but when you run out, you need to recharge. If we were in the city, you could pull from the power grid, but power in this room is heavily shielded.”
“Well, expect to get good and cooked as soon as I’m charged up.”
Kara smiled as she sat down next to Leslie.
“So, why did you really think I sent him?” Kara asked.
“When he grabbed me the first time, he said ‘You can thank Supergirl for this,’” Leslie replied.
“And you believed that?” Kara asked.
“I don’t know,” Leslie said, shrugging. “I didn’t have a lot of time to think about it.”
“You do now,” Kara said.
Leslie frowned, and shook her head.
“Doesn’t really seem like your style,” Leslie said. “If you wanted me out of the way, the cops would show up at my apartment with a warrant and find a kilo of coke under my bed.”
“Were you born this cynical?”
“Hard to buy the little Miss Sunshine act when you got me fired,” Leslie said.
Kara laughed. “You should thank me,” Kara said. “She bought out your contract, when she could have just assigned you to traffic.”
“Laugh it up, Sunshine, but sooner or later, she’ll get tired of you, too.”
Kara sighed and shook her head gently. “I don’t think she got tired of you. I think she just looked at you and couldn’t see anything but the ways she’d let you down. That’s not an easy thing to live with. I feel it every time I see my cousin.”
“Spare me,” Leslie said, but it lacked the normal enthusiasm of her retorts.
“Well, either way, you’ve got your chance at revenge,” Kara said.
Leslie looked down at her hands, still sparking with the last remnants of electrical power in her system. “I suppose I can skin a Cat now.”
“No,” Kara said. “Try it and I will stop you.”
“You think you’re ready to throw down, Sunshine?”
“Yes,” Kara said, and watched as something in her tone made Leslie flinch. “You wouldn’t need your powers though. When we leave here, I’m taking you to NCPD headquarters to give a statement about the attack. You have two choices.”
“Really?” Leslie asked. “Do tell.”
“You can lie. Say you don’t remember the attack, or say I was the one who attacked you. Do that and I’m finished. Everything I’m trying to build will go straight in the toilet. No alien amnesty, no protection for other refugees. Every remaining Kryptonian except my cousin will spend the rest of their lives in a cage. And to top it all off, the board will take CatCo away from Cat. She’ll be out on the street, watching some walking personification of white male privilege run everything she’s built straight into the ground.”
“Sounds fun,” Leslie said. “What’s the catch?”
Kara nodded. “The catch is, the man who attacked you walks away.”
“I could find him myself,” Leslie said.
“Maybe,” Kara said. “Maybe not. But even if you find him, what about the people who hired him? He wasn’t some Supergirl groupie out to defend my reputation. He’s an assassin, working for an anti-alien group who will do anything to kill the alien amnesty act. So, ask yourself something. Who do you want more? Me and Cat, or the people who tried to kill you?”
“Tough choice,” Leslie said. “The men who tried to end my life, or the women who destroyed it.”
“Oh, please,” Kara said. “With your ratings, you know Cox and Sirius are both going to be knocking on your door inside of a month, offering you anything you want. Hell, as good looking as you are, Fox News might give you your own show.”
“Awww, thanks. That’s sweet but you’re not my type,” Leslie said.
“Yeah, well, I’d say you weren’t my type either, but I’d be lying. Prickly, badass blondes with more baggage than an American Tourister warehouse are going to be the death of me someday. Hopefully not today, but someday.”
Leslie tried to hide it, but Kara spotted the faintest hint of a smile tugging at her lips. “Well, I suppose you can look, as long as you keep your hands to yourself.”
“That’s going to make flying you back to National City a bit tough,” Kara said as she stood up. Leslie’s eyes went wide with just a hint of panic.
“No way,” Leslie said, shaking her head. “You are not carrying me.”
Kara rolled her eyes. “I save your life, I give you super powers, and still no respect,” she said as she held up her hand to help Leslie up. Leslie just glared at her and climbed to her feet without taking the help. “There’s a change of clothes for you in the room over there,” Kara said, pointing to a door in one side of the med lab.
“It better not be a set of tights,” Leslie said as she walked over to the door. Kara waited until the door was closed before turning to Kolex.
“Kolex, connect to Konex. Get an update on the media situation.”
A moment later, dozens of websites were displayed in the air before her. CatCo’s front page headline was “Supergirl Working to Save Leslie Willis,” while Fox News had, “Maxwell Lord Calls on President Marsdin to End Supergirl Threat.” Most of the rest of the major news outlets were going with some variation of “Supergirl Wanted for Questioning.”
Kara took her phone out of her boot, and pulled up her texting app, selecting Cat from her contacts.
Kara: She’s awake and getting dressed.
The reply came faster than Kara expected.
Cat: Thank god.
Cat: And thank you, Kara.
Kara: There’s nothing to thank me for. This was my fault.
Cat: No. Nothing that’s happening is your fault. You couldn’t have known.
Kara: I knew I had enemies.
Cat: Do you know who’s behind this?
Kara: I’m working on it. Is Jackson still with you?
Cat: Yes.
Kara: Good. Keep him with you. I’ll talk to you soon.
Kara fired off the last text to Cat, then she called Maggie.
“What part of ‘Supergirl can’t go anywhere near this’ was unclear?” Maggie growled as she answered the call.
“The part where staying away meant Leslie would die,” Kara said. “Did Alex read you in on the current situation?”
“Yes,” Maggie said. “But I can’t tell any of it to my boss until I get it from Leslie’s mouth, assuming she’s well enough to be questioned.”
“She’s in better health than she was before this happened,” Kara said.
“Well, that’s good,” Maggie said. “I need you to come in.”
“As soon as Leslie’s changed out of the hospital gown,” Kara said. “I’ll have Kolex transmat us to the front of NCPD headquarters.”
“Have him text me first. I don’t want anyone getting shot,” Maggie said.
“Good call,” Kara replied. She turned at the sound of the door and saw Leslie walking towards her. “Actually, we’re on our way now.”
“Give me five minutes,” Maggie said.
“See you soon,” Kara said, then she ended the call and tucked her phone back in her boot.
“Man, Sunshine, you would never know it looking at you, but you do have good taste in clothes,” Leslie said as she ran a hand over the opposite sleeve of the dark blue leather jacket she was wearing. “I wasn’t sure about color when I saw it, but it looks good once I put it on.”
Kara smiled as she took Leslie in. The Doc Martins were classic Leslie. Kara had paired them with a pair of black leather jeans, a royal blue shirt, and a dark blue fitted leather jacket that flared at the waist. The outfit design was similar to something Gideon had made for Livewire on the Waverider, though Kara had tweaked the color palette, and the “Leather” was actually the same Kryptonian barrier fabric as her cape. Soft as kid leather, but nearly indestructible.
“A friend designed my suit for me,” Kara said. “My first choice would have been a Kryptonian military battle uniform, but Kal-El had an established look.”
“Riding to the top on your cousin’s cape, huh?” Leslie asked, a taunting smile on her face.
“You better hope not,” Kara said. “I’m pretty sure the guy who tried to kill you could take my cousin in a fight, and he might make another run at you.”
“You’re not making this ‘saving your and Cat’s ass’ thing sound more appealing,” Leslie said.
“If I want you to trust me, I can’t lie to you,” Kara said. “I just wanted you to understand why I’m going to do what comes next.”
“And what’s that?” Leslie asked.
“Kolex is going to charge you up,” Kara said. “When your energy reserves are topped up, you have a pretty good chance of taking out Henshaw. Or my cousin. And before you ask, yes, you’d have a chance of taking me out, but *not* a good one.” She turned to Kolex. “Nice and slow,” she said. “Let her get used to the load.”
Leslie looked at Kolex as he approached. “How does this work?” she asked.
“Just hold out your hand towards Kolex,” Kara said.
Leslie raised her hand, and Kolex extended the lightning generator. Electricity jumped out of the device and into Leslie’s hand, and Kara heard her suck in a surprised gasp.
“It’s so warm,” she said as the electricity poured into her.
“More?” Kara asked.
“YES!” Leslie shouted.
“Give her all of it, Kolex.”
The robot obeyed, opening up the device until it was pumping a lightning bolt’s worth of electricity into Leslie every second. Kara waited until she noticed the sparks arcing along Leslie’s eyelashes that meant she was near capacity.
“Enough,” Kara said.
Leslie whimpered slightly as the power cut off, and turned towards Kara, looking furious.
“I wasn’t done,” Leslie said.
“You are,” Kara said. “You just don’t know it yet. Much more power, and you won’t be able to hold a physical form.”
“What does that mean?” Leslie asked.
“Lady Kara,” Kolex said before Kara could answer Leslie’s question. “It has been five minutes.”
“Thank you, Kolex,” Kara said, then she turned back to Leslie. “It means, you need to learn to control your powers before you absorb your full capacity or you will lose control and hurt someone you don’t mean too. I’ll explain everything later, but we have to go.”
“Okay,” Leslie said.
“Now, Kolex,” Kara said, and a moment later, the transmat took them.
Translated from the Kryptonian:
.:zhaolium zw rroskilahres :dhiviao Literal: Fucker who habitually seeks glory Semantic: Fucking Drama Queen
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omeliashepherdhunt · 6 years
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Stand By Me pt. 3
After an extremely trying trio of surgeries, Amelia was ready to get home to her husband, babies, and mother in law for their Sunday dinner. Owen was making hamburgers while Evelyn promised Amelia her famous homemade pasta salad. She still couldn’t believe her mom was living so close by and that Carolyn thought they could just pick up where things left off many years ago. She was hesitant because she didn’t want to be hurt again— especially in front of her own little family. She had been getting on so well with her life since marrying Owen, albeit knowing it wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows, and now it felt like her mother was sabotaging it all.
.
She unlocked the front door and was greeted by the sound of Eli crying, Pippa running around, and Evelyn humming in the kitchen. She followed her son’s wails to their dining area where Owen was trying to soothe him.
“Oh look, Eli. Mama is home.”
Owen handed him to Amelia and grinned as he watched her coo at their littlest baby.
“Oh what’s wrong buddy? You sound hungry, hmm? Maybe you can soak in the tub with me for a few minutes.”
Owen stood up and pulled his wife lovingly into his arms and gave her a kiss.
“Did you have a good day?”
“Three head traumas throughout the course of my shift. It was probably the busiest day I’ve had since my tumor removal and maternity leave.”
“Sorry. You should go relax. I’ll take him.”
“No it’s okay. He can nurse while I sit in the tub. I think the both of us could use the quiet time.”
Just then, they were interrupted by Pippa running full speed into the back of Amelia’s legs, causing her to stumble.
“Pippa! You have to be easy when I’m holding your brother.”
“Mama, you’re home! I’ve been waiting all day so you can play dress up with me!”
“Oh honey, give me just a little bit to get cleaned up and get Eli squared away.”
“Mama. Pleaseeeeee.”
“Pippa Evelyn Hunt. Give me just a few minutes.”
The five year old immediately furrowed her brow at the same time her bottom lip started to quiver.
“Mama.”
“Go help Nana finish up with the pasta salad. We can maybe play dress up later but it’s getting late.”
Pippa stomped her feet the whole way to her grandmother, making Amelia feel even more helpless.
“Have they been like this all day?”
“Eli still doesn’t appreciate a bottle unless it’s the perfect temperature which I can’t seem to get and Pippa didn’t nap at all so she’s been short fused.”
“Why didn’t she nap?”
“We were at the pool for most of the afternoon.”
“We always have her nap. Owen, come on. You know our kids are schedule oriented.”
His brow furrowed just like Pippa’s.
“It was one day. She’s going to be fine. I already gave her a bath so she can go to bed after dinner.”
“You’re waking up with her in the morning then.”
Amelia couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed. She walked into chaos and now had a pounding headache from her even more chaotic day. Evelyn came around the corner so she greeted her as brightly as she could before she got in the bath with little Eli.
.
The baby was squeaky clean and had a full belly so Amelia finally pulled them out of the warm bath to get dressed. She was in her normal house attire: a nursing camisole and yoga pants. Amelia always loved to dress the kids. They were like living dolls. She combed Eli’s little tufts of chocolate hair and dressed him in a pair of dinosaur footie pajamas.
“Look at you! So handsome just like your daddy even though you have Mama’s hair.”
When they went back downstairs, the table was set and Owen was bringing out the last of their plated dinners.
“Amelia, dear. I got to meet your mother today when we ran into each other at the grocery store. I didn’t know who she was but she recognized me from pictures in this house.”
“Oh great. How did that go?”
“She seems really lovely but told me you banned her from coming around unless you say otherwise.”
“Yep.”
“She’s trying to make things right. She wants to get to know Pippa and Eli.”
Amelia took a sip of her water once she felt her appetite shrink the more she talked about her mom.
“Maybe she will eventually. I’m not rushing it. She gave up on me when I was 5. Derek picked up the pieces. She supported me financially as a kid but Derek deserves all the credit. He taught me everything I knew. He’s not here anymore so I don’t know why she feels the need to come around.”
Owen looked up from his plate feeling awkward as he witnessed their conversation. His wife could fight her own battles which is why he didn’t intervene.
“She told me she’s sick. Carolyn has stage 4 melanoma that has metastasized.”
Both Amelia and Owen choked on their food with their eyes bugged out.
“What?”
“She came here to spend some time with Meredith and the kids and is hoping to make amends with you before she goes.”
“Go where, Nana?”
The three adults looked at Pippa and scrambled to figure out what to say.
“Back to New York. Pip, do you want to go set up your tea party table and we can finish dinner there?”
“Ooooh, yes Mama! I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!”
Pippa hopped down from her chair and took off for the playroom.
“Owen, Evelyn, for all we know my mom could be lying. I can talk to her tomorrow and figure it all out. I however don’t want to talk about it anymore today. I’m sorry but today has exhausted me and I’m over the day. I’ll go eat with Pippa. Sorry for the shit show that was this family dinner.”
.
When the house was tidied up and the kids successfully tucked in and asleep, Amelia finally climbed into bed. Everything hurt and she felt completely floored. Her mom could be dying. She would be another person she lost and now she knew she cared about her mom more than she wanted to. She was devastated. She had been so cold to her mom. Maybe she had a reason to be but now she felt it didn’t matter.
Amelia was pulled from her thoughts when Owen came into the room.
“Mia, I know you had a hard day but you were short with Pippa, short with me, then short with my mom once she tried talking to you about your mom. What is wrong?”
“I told you! My day was long, I lost one of my patients on the table, then I get home and the baby is screaming and Pippa is running around tearing up the place. Then your mom drops the news that my mom is dying. So forgive me for being short. I’m exhausted and I want to sleep.”
Owen pulled off his shirt and climbed in on the other side, trying his best to cozy up to her.
“I’m sorry today sucked. I know something that could maybe help?”
Instantly Amelia pushed his arm off of her and hot tears spilled down her cheeks.
“Are you freaking kidding me? I’m having an awful day, feeling like crap, and you want to have sex? No way. No way in hell would I have sex with you. Oh my god, you’re impossible!”
“I was partially kidding. Amelia, come on. I was kidding. Any other time you’d be all for it. Please don’t be like this. Let’s just sleep. I want to hold you. I missed you.”
“Don’t touch me. I just need to sleep.”
“You’re crying.”
“Leave me alone.”
.
.
.
Come morning, Amelia finally pulled herself off of the loveseat in Eli’s room to change his diaper and feed him again. She had tossed and turned for hours until she gave up and moved to the nursery during Eli’s 2 a.m feed. She felt even more exhausted than the night before and was eager to speak to her mom. Once her phone showed seven in the morning, she called her mom’s cellphone. It rang four times before she answered.
“Amelia? How are you? Is everything okay? It’s early.”
“Everything is fine here. My mother in law had some interesting news to share with us over dinner last night.”
“Oh honey. I wanted to tell you but there was never the right time. You were so angry.”
“I have a lifetime of anger. You didn’t cause it all. I blamed you for a lot of it but like you said, you did the best you could. Is it true? Metastasized melanoma?”
“Yes. I’m planning on being in town until the pain gets to be too great then I’ll be going to Oregon for physician assisted suicide. I don’t want any of you to take care of me and I don’t want to be in a home. I’d like to go with dignity. I’m at peace with the decision and look forward to being reunited with my two guys.”
“Mom, please. I’ll let you come around. We can work this out. Your children are doctors. All of us are doctors. Please let us help you.”
“Honey, there is nothing any of you can do. It’s in my blood stream now and I get a bit more tired each day. I’m sorry but I won’t be changing my mind. I’d love to make the best of my last days here. I’d love to get to know your beautiful babies. Nothing would make me happier than to make up with you after all these years.”
“Okay. Would you like to come over later afternoon and stay for dinner? I can make Dad’s old pasta recipe.”
“That sounds lovely. I’ll be there. Thank you Amelia.”
“I’ll see you later Mom.”
Next she called Evelyn to see if she could watch the kids until her mom came. She needed to spend time and make up with Owen. She dropped the kids off, went through the drive thru for their favorite donuts and coffee, then went back home. To her surprise, Owen was still asleep. Normally when she’d wake up before him, he’d be sleeping with his face soft from any expressions. Now his face was tense and she knew he slept just as shitty as she had. As emotional as she had been, tears started to pool in her eyes. She wasn’t surprised but she felt awful about how she treated him. He had been nothing but good to her and she was just mean. She tiptoed to the bed and got in. He started to wake up and open his eyes. As soon as his eyes met hers, she flung herself into his arms. Sobs wracked through her entire body. Owen was definitely confused but held her close and lovingly anyways. He knew she was probably struggling to process everything and it was a lot for her to take in all at once.
“It’s okay Mia. You’re alright.”
“I’m so sorry. I was mean and it was uncalled for. You’re my best friend. I love you so much. I missed you yesterday too.”
“I know you did. I know you love me. You don’t have to say it for me to know.”
“I do though. Life is too short to not say it. You, Pippa, and Eli are all I have. You three are everything to me. You three are the reasons my heart still beats. I’ve lost my dad, my brother, our son, and soon will lose my mom. I can’t lose you.”
Owen held her even tighter, stroking her hair to bring her any sort of comfort while he kissed her forehead.
“I’m right here Amelia. I’m not going anywhere for a very long time. You’re Amelia Grace Shepherd Hunt— Mother of three, smoking hot wife, and brilliant life saver. You will get through this and I’m right here all the way.”
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UnderappreciatedSterek 2017 Masterpost
I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I started this blog, or that I’ve managed to rack up a total of 108 recs so far!
Special thanks to @notvirginawoolf for the many recs they sent in over the year, and also to every other person who made a submission. I still have plenty to get around to, so keep an eye out for many more recs to come!
I’ve started the list with some of my personal favourites, with everything under the cut in rec order (sorry in advance for mobile users!) I can guarantee no matter which fic you pick, you’ll find an overlooked gem on the other side.
(I ended up having trouble whenever I exited edit mode when making this post where all the links would disappear. I had to remove some of the author tags to keep them working, but then they disappeared if I used the banner I’d made. So if the links aren’t there when this goes live... I’ll try working on it again T_T If you find any mistakes, please let me know, though I’m honestly loath to touch this again!)
A Bid from Midnight by Zercalo | 5572w | General
Derek’s been holed up in the middle of nowhere for a few months now, so Stiles makes a detour to check up on him. Because Scott is worried. (Scott is not that worried.)
And Pink Shoelaces by LupusScintilla (inkandblade) | 8842w | Mature
It was Derek’s turn. It had to be. He looked at the comm-disc in his hand. Even if he had to debase himself with going to this damned matchmaking service, he was determined to find his mate.
Any Other Name by twobirdsonesong | 979w | General
Stiles just wants to know what he smells like to Derek.
Counting Kisses by carolion | 327w | General
Derek has not kissed anyone in a very long time. But this is the first time he really wants to again.
Dealing with Werewolves by foolish_mortal | 2565w | General
In which Stiles runs away to live with the dragons and meets a werewolf.
In spite of all you knew and said by Azul_Bleu | 2700w | Mature
The road streams behind them, mile upon mile until Stiles can’t say where they even started, and Stiles talks so he won’t have to remember.
Or, Derek and Stiles deal with being the ones left behind. They’re not great at it.
(Set post an imaginary S3, where the Alphas win. Spectacularly.)
i've got someone else in mind by blueinkedbones | 2845w | General
“That’s just a mutual thing we have going on!” Stiles argues. “Like an unspoken arrangement, you know?”
Erica is generally smug at him. Stiles slumps.
“Of love, you’re saying. We have an unspoken arrangement of love, and it’s so unspoken neither of us knows about it.”
Keystone (3-part series) by Chandri / @chandri | 106,961w | Explicit
A world without parents is a lonely, portless world with no safety and no justice - this is a truth Stiles Stilinski learned when he was very young. But at nine years old, at twelve, he couldn’t understand just how true it was; that the powerful, indefinable wrongness that obscured his memories of his mother was more than a child’s sense of unfairness at having his mom taken away.
It’s not until a globetrotting great-aunt blows back into town after a many-years absence that it starts to dawn on him: that his mother’s death was anything but natural; that it was certainly anything but fair.
Reindeer in the (Library) Closet by Rainfallen | 3247w | Teen
Derek just wanted to put the spare network cables away and escape from Erica, not get accosted in the storage closet by a boy wearing the most atrocious Christmas sweater he’s ever seen. On second thought, though, the accosting maybe wasn’t such a bad idea.
The Field by Gimmie | 1625w | General
When he turned back to the field, he zoned in on the sudden appearance of Derek Hale, being led by the hand toward the meadow. He looked hesitant, but the girl was smiling with her head tilted and persuading him, pulling him along. Stiles stopped eating, stopped breathing, and stared as the older boy that he always noticed, as if he had a radar that could detect his presence, was finally led onto the field. The delay was not for lack of trying by the human girls of Beacon Hills High.
the pivot point by subnivean | 461w | General
Don’t be nice to me.
We Pick Ourselves Undone by StilesInTheGlade | 1583w | General
It was a habit, maybe even a compulsion, that Derek noticed in the aftermath of the Nogitsune. Stiles would periodically count off his fingers. One by one, from the thumb of his left hand to the thumb of his right, long fingers ticking as he marked them off, lips silently moving along, one, two, three…
when i look at you (oh, i don't know what's real) by verity | 1304w | Mature
Scott slows his pace during cross-country and falls back from Isaac to join Stiles at the rear of the group. “Hey, have you seen Derek recently?” Scott says, faux-casual like Stiles hasn’t watched him try to lie to their parents since they were five.
“Nope,” Stiles says. “Haven’t seen him in a week.” Unless he counts the Derek he dreams about on the regular, but if Stiles has learned anything from Lydia Martin and his umpteen-year-plan, it’s that the people in your dreams and the people in your reality are never one and the same.
Fuck Me in the Ass Cause I Love Jesus by WriteByNight | 3370w | Mature
Now that Stiles was a college graduate and still living at home, he had decided to help out as the organ player for the duration of the summer. The last organist had unexpectedly kicked the bucket and although there were a few people with more experience than Stiles, no one had the free time that he did so he’d reluctantly accepted the position.
Stiles thought it would put him back in the big guy’s good graces after all the fucking up he’d done as a kid…teen…okay, his entire life.
There wasn’t really another benefit to the arrangement. Stiles didn’t even have a keyboard at home, so he had to come to church every Wednesday and Saturday and practice for the Sunday services. Luckily, some of the more experienced players covered the choir practices for him. Playing and hearing hymns three times a week was more than enough for him.
However, about a week and a half into his time as organist he’d come across another perk. The groundskeeper and maintenance man, Derek Hale.
You’ve got me slippin’ and a slidin’ by ElisAttack / @iamonlydancing | 3683w | General
The snowmobile stutters to a halt on the banks of the river and Derek smiles when he sees a few ravens flying in circles in the distance.  The salmon are here.
“Seems like I’m your lucky charm,”  Stiles says with a wink.
Or the one where Derek lives in the middle of nowhere, and is probably in love with his delivery boy.
The Truth Behind The Pictures by Boy_On_Strings | 7796w | Explicit
Stiles learns to paint. Derek learns something about Stiles.
Ember by heavy_cream | 2825w | Explicit
Sleepy sunday morning sex.
Never Been Kissed by TheLittlestBoho | 2103w | General
Derek and Stiles touch, but they don’t kiss.
"My Wolf-Man" by write_light | 12,935w | Mature
Forest and castle, wolf and man, a vengeful spirit and true love, so much misfortune and so many masks. And a tray full of desserts. How do happy endings work? Prince Stiles, a human; Derek Hale, a werewolf; Talia & the ghost of Derek’s father; Uncle Peter and Evil Aunt Kate; Stiles’ parents, the king and queen.
The Time John Stilinski Learned To Knock by 42hrb / @exhuastedpigeon | 819w | Mature
John Stilinski comes home from a long shift and just wants to relax, then he hears a noise coming from Stiles’ room. (Prompts: 76. “Please put your penis away.”)
Like Immortality by Idday | 4815w | Teen
Dear Derek,
All these words, and what I’m trying to say is simple.
I want to love you like you deserve to be loved. I want to share your triumphs, your burdens, your full moons and your new. I want you to be as sure of my love as you are the phases of the moon.
I want to love you like the moon loves you.
(I told you that one day I would write you a love letter).
OR, Stiles and Derek, in letters, through the years.
carry me to love again by nighimpossible | 3000w | Mature
Stiles picks up Derek on the side of the road. Post 3A.
Thin Mints and Meddling by myhomeboy_stilinski | 5388w | Teen
Stiles would be the first person to admit that living in a small town had its drawbacks, with privacy being non-existent and sneaking around near impossible. But there was something to be said about the solidarity and loyalty that filled a close-knit community. People stood up for one another. They contributed and helped. They loved each other. Truthfully, Stiles pitied those who incited the wrath of someone from Beacon Hills.
To Stiles’ eternal gratitude, he had never prompted said wrath.
That is, until he met Derek Hale.
**** The one where the people of Beacon Hills realize that Derek Hale deserves nice things (in case you missed the tags.)
Whiskey Haze by Piscaria | 3221w | Teen
Stiles blinks drunkenly up at the ceiling, wondering who he knows who’s over 21 and a little bit shady.
Stiles had been dreading this day for years.
Leap of Faith by Batwynn | 710w | General
Derek watches his somewhat-friend become weather worn and tired, and thinks, ‘Why Stiles? Why him?’
Okay Will Get Us Through by clotpolesonly / @clotpolesonly | 41,955w | Mature
It was supposed to be a peaceful fucking protest. Stiles heard the first shot loud and clear, though, and was too boxed in to duck, even as his stomach felt like it fell out of his body entirely. For a second all he could think was “Scott is gonna be so mad, I said it would be fine, I promised,” and then he was falling.
First Born Unicorn by dragon-temeraire / @dragon-temeraire | 1982w | General
Something mysterious has returned to the preserve, but for once it’s not dangerous.
Decision by verushka70 | 17,398w | Explicit
Derek goes out to bars wishing he’d never been born and gives himself to almost anyone who wants to take him home. He wets his face in the sweat that runs down men’s chests and doesn’t shower after. Back home, the scents dare Laura to say something. She never does.
Derek grabs her in a quick hug. “I’m fine,” he murmurs, face tucked into her hair, scenting sister, pack, family, love. They both know it’s not true. But she lets it go.
The Devil You Know by verushka70 | 14,629w | Explicit
“So,” Derek says like it’s utterly obvious. (It’s not, it’s totally not). It’s hard to know how to take someone you can’t really read.
His tongue licks between Stiles’ lips like all of this was never in question. Was it? No, not really, because: Derek.
Gut Feeling by Chubstilinski / @chubstilinski | 29,842w | Explicit
Stiles was maybe, possibly, mildly obsessed with his favorite regular, Deputy Derek Hale. But in his defense, Derek seemed just as obsessed with Stiles. Or at least, Stiles’s baked goods, if his appetite for sweets and increasing waistline were anything to go by.
Comfort Drabble by wildwerewolfweirdness | 100w | General
They didn’t get on, Stiles and Isaac.
Happily Ever After by endoftheline7 | 3080w | Teen
The Sheriff finds out about Derek and Stiles, and doesn’t react well. At all. In fact, he ends up asking for the worst.
Family dinner.
Peter Plays The Long Game by HurrahForSmut | 2314w | Teen
She’d almost forgotten Peter, which is always a mistake.
Unchained Melody (2 part series) by swing set in december | 3825w |
Teen
Haunting requires skill and showmanship. Something werewolves will never understand.
Amber by cobrilee | 1283w | Teen
Derek stood by the bar, ostensibly waiting for the bartender to swing by and take his order, but in reality, he couldn’t care less if the bartender ever noticed him. He just wanted to have a legitimate reason to not have to hang out with his friends.  
A Taunting of Ravens to You by keelover | 17,830w | Mature
Stiles, plagued by uncertainty, would like to know whether or not he would be strong enough to survive the bite. Lydia, awake, but not entirely the same after her ordeal, offers him some insight with that tricky moon mirror of hers. And what does Derek think about all of this? The hell if anyone knew.
the wilderness (3-part series) by ceserabeau | 9202w | Explicit
When Stiles pictured Derek’s return to Beacon Hills, he never imagined this: late night in the cereal aisle at the grocery store, Stiles in sweatpants and a shirt long overdue a wash, glancing left from the Captain Crunch and Lucky Charms to find Derek Hale, four feet away, pulling a box of muesli off the shelf.
Lock Me Up by FairydustOnRoses | 3410w | Explicit
Stiles is home for Thanksgiving break. He traveled across the country from Columbia University and is looking forward to spending time with Scott and his dad and stuffing his face on Thursday. He is not looking forward to running into a certain broody werewolf that he may or may not have left in bed after a hookup only hours before he got on the plane to New York back in August.
Swallow by carolion | 469w | Teen
Stiles looks good when he swallows. Derek tells him so.
He’ll bleed you ‘til you’re just bone and skin by ElisAttack | 2236w | Explicit
It’s moments when Stiles feels the dull pull of the bruises on his hips, moments when he can’t sleep on his stomach because the throbbing ache does nothing for a good night’s sleep, it’s those moments that make him feel worthless.
Makes him hate Derek with a passion that burns brighter than anything else he feels.
Or the one where Derek doesn’t know his strength, but Stiles knows he deserves it.
Moon Fever (10-part series) by mytimehaspassed | 30,612w | Mature
Derek moves into Stiles’ old house on a Monday.
Jacket by thatmcbastard (blueb1rd) | 335w | General
Stiles just keeps shivering and looking all vulnerable and pathetic. It’s annoying, alright?
Scream Wolf by grangerinvestigations | 13,966w | Teen
Someone’s taken their love of werewolf movies one step too far.
what in carnation? by haleofStilesheart | 2985w | General
Deliveryman wasn't exactly Derek's dream job but it helped put him through school so he couldn't complain. Especially since it helped him meet the love of his life.
Breathe a Little Easier by Scavenger | 3492w | Teen
Five years ago, he would never have imagined life being this easy, this good.
Take A Breath, Let It Out by northern | 2703w | Teen
Derek can smell the discomfort radiating off of Stiles. What going against his instincts is doing to his sweat and his breath. But as long as Derek can’t smell hesitation, it’s fine. He can deal with Stiles hating himself a little. He can’t deal with having killed Stiles.
We Den Our Hearts Here by LadyLade | 1921w | Teen
Somehow, having a pack of wolf pups has made Derek’s life easier.
Staying by secretagentwolf / @secretagentwolf | 4571w | Teen
Stiles shows up at Derek’s apartment door one day asking to stay. Derek surprises them both by accepting. He does his best to make Stiles feel safe and he doesn’t ask. Eventually, though, Stiles tells him.
This Will Definitely Hurt by write_light | 285w | General
That time when Stiles pulled a back muscle and Derek and the Sheriff had a (thankfully not literal) pissing match about how to take care of him. (est. relationship, Sheriff knows)
Seven Wonders by dadvans / @dadvans | 2988w | General
Stiles sees Beacon Hills through ancient parallels. Derek thinks he’s cursed.  
The Amazing Part Is by TroubleIWant / @troubleiwant | 2407w | General
You’re in love with a beautiful boy, and the amazing part is that he loves you back. He’s all dark honey eyes and buttermilk skin, moles down his neck that he lets you kiss and kiss again. He’s all sharp laughter and too wide sweeps of his arms, and it’s been ten months but you’re not thinking about your first anniversary, you’re thinking about forever.
and in your hand a skeleton key by faerielissa | 5474w | Teen
How was it that, of everyone from home, besides his dad of course, he missed Derek the most?
Find Me Sitting Fireside by kaistrex | 13,282w | Teen
With the news that an Alpha wants Beacon Hills for their own, Derek and Stiles are forced to attend a couples retreat at a ski resort to learn their enemy’s identity. However, the threat is the least of Derek’s problems when he’s expected to fake a relationship, share a bed and suffer through candlelit dinners with the man he’s secretly been in love with for the past four years.
At Least Our Theme Song Rocks by Deviousness_Carter | 907w | Teen
After years of being a technician, Stiles finally passes his field exam and gets to save the world. Unfortunately, he gets neither a mask nor a tux.
punitive acts by subnivean | 3881w | Explicit
Two idiots, both alike in indignity, or something, whatever.
Let Me Catch Your Laughter Upon My Tongue by monopolizeme | 1295w
| Teen
Stiles doesn’t laugh.
It’s not something that Derek has ever put much thought into before, because he’s never had a reason to focus on something that’s never been there before. But Stiles doesn’t laugh – he snarks with sly lips and snorts in indignation when he thinks that he’s heard something completely foolish and he huffs out a noise of victory when he succeeds at something but Stiles doesn’t laugh.
Laura Was Right by Sheepnamedpig | 1446w | Explicit
The first and last time Derek and his ghost boyfriend ever have sex in front of a mirror.
(I Will) Remember Your Name by saraubs | 1088w | Mature
Forced onto the sands to pay for his crimes against the Empire (also see: avenging his family), Derek just fights to unleash the anger, not caring if he lives or dies. Well, that is, until he comes face to face with a certain smart-mouthed body slave, and finds there are still some things worth fighting for.
I Know by Nival_Vixen / @nivalvixen | 1050w | Mature
Stiles has lost himself, he’s drowning, and he doesn’t know if he’ll make it back up to the surface.
The - Mistake by kaistrex | 504w | General
Four-year-old Derek mistakes Sheriff Stilinski for his mate.
That's Where It Is by LupusScintilla (inkandblade) | 22,815w | Mature
At twenty-two, the age of a Master-Builder according to the Number Law the Elder Council used, Derek was at the perfect age to break away from his family’s over extended pack and construct his own. As with all Alphas ready to take that step, he needed a Mate: no pack could be led by only one mind.  
This Must Be What Going Mad Feels Like by LadyLade | 902w | Teen
Then Derek twitches, sees Scott looking at him, and glares. “What?” he snarls.
Does…does Derek look a little guilty?
Oh Jesus. This is not happening.
-
Teen Wolf kink meme prompt: Holy shit, Scott thinks, horrified. Because Derek isn’t staring creepily at some unidentified point in the distance. Derek is staring at his best friend’s ass.
Know Thy Worth (2-part series) by Ishtar12 / @mommalosthermind | 15,983w | General
His Dad’s been snatched by a rival pack. His first kiss with Derek anchored his magic, sealed him to the pack, and maybe even Derek himself. Stiles has no idea what’s going on in his life right now, and less time to figure it out.
Day 4: On a date by starkology (jawnwatson) | 501w | General
Stiles and Derek try to go on a date.
With You (You'll Find Me) by CigarettesandCider / @kieren-fucking-walker | 1993w | Teen
“I need a fic of Stiles leaving Beacon Hills to find Derek because he can’t deal with that town and it’s people anymore. I want Derek doing some grocery shopping and then Stiles scent hits him hard and he just kinda whimpers and follows it till he finds Stiles there looking at him. I want Derek asking Stiles how did he find him and Stiles just shrugs and says he had a feeling. I want Stiles following Derek to his car when Derek tilts his head motioning to the parking lot because they don’t need words. And then finally when they’re inside Derek’s little apartment (there’s nothing fancy about it but it’s homey and there are pictures of Cora and him on the walls) Stiles finally crumbles and Derek just holds him.”
Meddling Ghosts by haipanda / @haihaipanda | 1837w | General
Stiles would like to remind everyone that he is not crazy and he does not see hallucinations. The fact that no one else can see ghosts is really not his fault and the rest of the world could be a bit more understanding.
Corpse Flower by Spikedluv / @spikedluv | 2253w | Teen
Stiles thinks that having sex with Derek will make him less distracting.
Lightsabers and Leverage by SourwolfSymphony | 581w | Teen
Stiles avoids studying for exams by calling Derek to rant about Star Wars; he doesn’t realize it’s 3am. Derek is worried and displeased.
REASONS I WOULD DATE DEREK HALE by Idday | 7284w | Teen
When Stiles moves back to Beacon Hills after college, he pretty much immediately decides to convince Derek Hale to date him.
Unfortunately for him, it seems as though they’re not on the same page. Like, Derek thinks Stiles hates him (and apparently, so does everybody else). And surprisingly, none of Stiles SUPER ROMANTIC (screw you, Scott) plans to woo Derek seem to be working. Probably because Derek still thinks Stiles is making fun of him. Or something.
But Stiles is nothing if not stubborn. He’s going to win Derek over. No matter what.
His 10 point lists are definitely going to help (no matter what Lydia says).
Get Me With Those Green Eyes, Baby by penlex | 2110w | Teen
Stiles wakes up alone, but that’s okay because he has to go to school anyway. Right. It’s totally fine.
“What’s your problem, Stilinski?” Jackson barked, right when Stiles blurted, “I feel like my life’s soundtrack is made up of Taylor Swift hits.”
Nightcall by oldestcharm / @oldestcharm | 3086w | General
Getting as far away from Beacon Hills as humanly possible is much easier when you have supernatural friends… acquaintances… err, something.
Can't Control Myself by JueJueBahn | 10,940w | Explicit
Stiles is showering innocently but then omg a wild Derek appears and might or might not be intoxicated with weird supernatural stuff.
This Was How Legends Were Made by Delta_Immortal | 108,501w | Explicit
Caught between the Hales and the Argents in their war, Stiles finds himself a slave of the great Hale pack. Stiles spends each day working hard, hoping to earn his freedom and see his sick father. It also seems each day he’s capturing more and more attention from Derek, the young Hale lord. Stiles tells himself it’s mostly because Derek is merely trying to figure out how to send the annoying, useless slave away- not because of affection, despite the tales coming from the rumor mill.
It doesn’t matter what Derek’s intentions are. Stiles can’t bother with love right now. He’s got to keep his head down and survive long enough to keep his promise to Kate Argent. After all, she’s promised to keep his father safe.
Occasionally Domestic (Series) by Little Spoon (JaydenNara) | 36,523~w | Explicit
The day of graduation, Stiles left Beacon Hills behind when he hopped into Derek’s car and never looked back. He’s living in New York with Derek and attending Columbia University on a partial scholarship. Only, no one seems to realize that Derek and Stiles are very much together, and sickeningly happily so, because that had never been on anyone’s radar.
(or – Stiles and Derek, occasionally domestic.)
No Filter by kaistrex | 1213w | Teen
When Derek was hired to photograph some up-and-coming novelist for his book jacket, he was expecting someone stuffy, middle-aged and, well, bookish.
That’s not what he gets. At all.
Beacon Gills by kitsunequeen | 4226w | Teen
When Stiles accompanies Scott on a trip to his uncle’s beach house, he gets more than he bargained for after running into a pack of mermaids with a particularly attractive leader…
Last Word by Sheepnamedpig | 953w | Explicit
Someone is wrong on the internet.
Bravado by orphan_account | 3545w | Explicit
Something good finally happens to Derek Hale.
(Spoiler alert: that something is Stiles.)
Put a spell on me please? by ssleif | 3154w | Explicit
Derek has a dilemma, and figures Stiles, sneaky clever Slytherin that he is, might be able to help. Or: Teenage wizards having an illicit first-time rendezvous while their dorm mates are elsewhere.
Gnashing Teeth and Criminal Tongues (conspire against the odds) by
LadySlytherin | 14,269w | Mature
When Stiles mouths off to the wrong set of witches, he finds himself unable to control his tongue around a certain alpha werewolf. As Stiles struggles with the lesson the witches want him to learn, he knows it’s only a matter of time until the truth comes out. It always does.
Tie [taɪ] by LupusScintilla (inkandblade) | 5164w | Mature
Unable to talk his way out of attending the Wordsmith’s Masquerade, Derek thinks he’ll have to suffer through in silence. Luckily, someone else is there to do the talking for him.
Everything to Destruction by MajorAccent | 559w | Teen
Potentially evil. Potentially good. Just this huge powerful potentiality waiting to be shaped.
Wooden Smiles, Raging Sea by dedougal | 3466w | Mature
Stiles had no idea where the black smoke had come from and he had a feeling he really didn’t want to know.
Make us laugh (or nothing will) by rohkeutta | 31,005w | Teen
When Derek Hale left Beacon Hills at 18 to become a kickboxing champion, he thought he would never return. But here he is, seven years later: trying to salvage something from the ruins of his life, eighteen months after the house fire that killed his parents and left him limping and without a future. Enter Stiles, a college dropout Derek might or might not have been friends with in high school, and the unexpected interest he manifests towards the love of Derek’s life.
The Theory of No Control by howl-to-the-wind (greenleaf) | 27,989w |
Mature
“–kick your scrawny butt all over the Muertes Archipelago, Bilinski! Get out of there or I will feed you to a Stegosaurus!”
“First of all, having me come out from here and then tossing me to the dinos kinda defeats the purpose of it all, since I already am in a dinosaur cage. Second, Stegosauruses are herbivores, which means they will definitely pass on biting my rear end. And third, my butt is not scrawny, though I didn’t know you were even looking, Coach. I’m flattered.”
“BILINSKI!!”
Derek groaned. “Oh no.”
“Oh, yes.” Scott grinned. He ran off, no doubt excited to watch his reckless best friend and cheer him on. He was such a damn enabler.
trick or treat (say something sweet) by dyobrienz (Muffintine) | 2712w |
General
“And,” Bat Kid sniffles, “a werewolf stole my candy, mommy – a werewolf!”
or: Three Halloweens from Derek’s perspective. Past, Present, Future.
Haleoween by redhoodedwolf | 6952w | Teen
“So what are you looking to get?” he inquired.
“Alright, well, the theme I’m going for is Badass Little Red Riding Hood.”
Derek arched an eyebrow, not judgingly, but curiously. “Interesting. Skirt and all?”
Stiles’ cheeks flushed at the joke. “Pfft, nah, not for this one.” Derek’s face flushed at that.
temporary tattoos make meaningful love tokens by Siriusstuff | 2126w |
General
Trick-or-treating with young Stiles, Scott, Derek and his sisters.
The Best Thing Since Peanuts by phlossie | 2042w | Teen
At this moment in time though, with gyrating attractive people who were not even remotely interested in gyrating in his vicinity also pretending he didn’t exist, Stiles felt that maybe the several month long moratorium should come to an end.
At least that way they could be miserable together.
Spell It Out For Me by chubstilinski | 14,766w | Explicit
But now Stiles was, well. He was fat. Not extremely so, just a little chubby, really, but it was exaggerated, every curve highlighted by the tightness of clothes made for a slender body. His Clark Kent slacks clung to thick thighs and cut into his hips. A substantial belly and small muffin top spilled over the waistband, stretching the buttons on his clean shirt. Derek could see the swell of his chest where the Superman logo peeked out from the undone top buttons, and he felt like he was going crazy. Stiles was gorgeous.
Or, on Halloween, Stiles gets jinxed by a hoodoo practitioner into gaining weight very rapidly. Derek thinks it’s sexy. Stiles thinks Derek is sexy. Shenanigans ensue.
Tricky to Treat by khasael | 2524w | Mature
Stiles loves Halloween. Derek hates it. Luckily, Stiles has a plan.
who nursey says is dead by demonicweirdo | 6357w | Mature
“I’m fine,” Stiles mutters, gritting his teeth through the searing pain. The hand pressed to his neck comes away drenched in blood. “Maybe not. I’m going to die here, in this shitty house, on Halloween.”
Haunted by kitsunequeen | 436w | General
First thing’s first, Derek is a liar.
1) Stiles is absolutely not afraid.

2) He did not shriek. He may have gasped, like, once. 

3) Clinging to Derek’s arm is in no way an indication of fear. He just really loves his boyfriend, okay? Really really. And his arm is comfortable to hold on to. That is all.
Rescue my cat from me by Hepzheba | 897w | General
Firefighter Derek has to retrieve a cat from a tree. He’d rather ogle the cat’s owner, despite the ridiculous sweater said owner is wearing.
Halloween by MissDizzyD | 903w | Teen
Stiles and Derek spend Halloween night watching horror films and dishing out candy.
Hallowe'en at Hale's! by lunaraindrop | 635w | General
After months of not hearing from Derek, Stiles decides to throw a Halloween Party at Derek’s loft. Could Stiles have ulterior motives besides dressing up and dancing?
Garbage Bag Ghosts by twisting_vine_x | 759w | General
This is literally just Stiles and Derek being dorky boyfriends and decorating for Halloween.
One Of These Days by dedougal | 552w | Teen
Stiles knows he shouldn’t just walk in on Derek. Anyway, Derek should hear him coming.
It Takes Time by kingandmoon | 3585w | Teen
He had no job, his pack had scattered for college, and he paid the delivery guy extra to unload all his food into his kitchen. So really, what was the point?
Take-out Turkey Day by captaintinymite (augopher) | 3071w | Teen
Graduate Student Stiles Stilinski is  alone as he studies in New York- well, aside from his only friend in the City. Derek lives in the same apartment building, and circumstances mean they will both be spending Thanksgiving alone. When Derek suggests they spend it together, Stiles jumps on the idea.
The only problem? Neither one of them can cook.
a fable of some sort by thatworldinverted / @thatworldinverted | 5706w | Explicit
Stiles isn’t stupid. He knows something’s wrong with him, something rotten at the core like an apple in a fairytale.
He just doesn’t care. Not as long as he has Derek, as long as he can look up from the knife and the steel table and meet wolf-bright eyes and red-tipped claws.
And I Promise You Kid, I'll Give So Much More Than I Get by nerdyderekhale | 4855 | General
Stiles and Derek have been roommates for years, friends for longer. When Derek decides to bring Christmas spirit to Stiles for a change, unintentional wooing leads to Christmas confessions.
A Modern-Day Christmas Carol by Peasantaries | 2876 | Teen
Derek Hale is an adult: he doesn’t drink beverages with the title ‘Christmas Cookie Latte.’ 
Catahoula by zjofierose | 6761 | Teen
A late flight, an ESL Uber driver, and a simple mistake are all it takes for Stiles to have his most… memorable… Christmas yet. 
New Traditions by baneofawolf (InTheArmsofaThief) | 4576 | General
Stiles fiddled with his phone, absently closing and reopening the same app over and over. He’d been thinking about this day for months. Well, for years, if he was being honest with himself, but the actual plan for this actual day had only started forming a few months ago. He’d been thinking about this ever since he found out where Derek was. 
No Objections For Stiles by kaistrex | 2168 | General
While fighting a witch on Christmas Eve, Derek and Stiles end up stuck in a snow globe. Deaton says it should take a few days to wear off, but perhaps there’s another solution… 
all I want for Christmas (is you) by BansheeLydia | 647 | Teen
Stiles just wants to get home in time for Christmas.
Lover's Eyes by yodasyoyo / @yodas-yo-yo | 3792 | Teen
Derek has a complicated relationship with Christmas at the best of times, Stiles may be the one person who can make it better. or Five Christmas Days over the years told from Derek’s POV
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adrianna-m-scovill · 6 years
Text
New Beginnings (Jackson Neill and Sam Nightingale)
This is a Leap of Faith AU featuring Sam Nightingale and Jackson Neill. It runs parallel to the third chapter of another fic I’ve written about Jonas Nightingale and Sonny Carisi. You don’t have to read that one to read this. It would probably be helpful to know the Leap of Faith plot line, though, and to know that in my AU, Sonny Carisi is the sheriff instead of Marla. You can read more details on AO3.
Rated Explicit, 18,000 words. 
“I’ve got some information on your sheriff.”
“I don’t want to hear it,” her brother answered, turning toward her.
“You need to—”
“No, Sam. I told you, he’s off-limits.”
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but this is something you need to know. About his family.”
“Family? Do you hear yourself? The man is sheriff, if we mention his family he’ll throw us out of town—if we’re lucky. If not, you can say goodbye to your big brother for five to—”
“Would you listen to me? For once?” she asked.
“No, Sam—They’re not a part of the show.”
“Well she can’t be, because even you can’t fake a return from the grave.”
Jonas had begun to turn away, and he stopped, looking back at her. “What…”
“Oh, you’re interested?” She saw his jaw clench, saw his eyes flash. She wasn’t intimidated. “He had a wife, Jonas. She died two years ago, car crash. Now he lives with his—”
“Stop,” he said, and the harshness in his voice surprised her into silence. Glaring at her, he repeated, “He’s off-limits.”
“I told you we couldn’t make money off these people!” she suddenly exclaimed, unable to contain her frustration. “I don’t work miracles, Jonas, remember? You have to let me do my job.”
“You do your job, then,” he said. “There’s a whole town to pick apart.”
Her lips parted. She couldn’t have explained why, but those words hurt. Her stomach burned, but she wouldn’t acknowledge the sting behind her eyes. Jonas started to turn away, again, and hesitated, looking back at her. His eyes softened.
“I always listen to you, Sam,” he said. “But you have to trust me. We’ll make it work, we always do. There’s another way.”
“Whatever you say, Jonas,” she told him. He sighed. “No, really, I’m sure it’ll all just magically work out.”
She thought he was going to say something else, but he reconsidered. With a single, sad nod, he left her standing alone. She watched him walk away, and she hated the churning in her stomach. It was getting more and more difficult to keep the show running, to keep the ends tied, and she was no longer as sure as she’d once been that things would continue to work out.
“Your brother, yes?”
Sam turned toward the sound of the voice, startled, and glanced the man over, taking stock: khakis, white shirt, blue tie, gray cardigan. He had graying stubble across his chin, and his hair was a bit mussed from the wind. He was handsome, with watchful, attentive green eyes. Teacher, she guessed, or perhaps psychologist.
“Is he always so dismissive of your concerns?”
“Are you a shrink?” she asked.
He smiled. “No. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
Reporter? She frowned. She wouldn’t have pegged him as a journalist, and she didn’t like being wrong. “What kind of questions?” she asked, even though she knew she was about to nip this conversation in the bud. There would be no interviews.
He tipped his head, regarding her, and she fought the urge to shift her feet. She didn’t like the way he was looking at her—like he could read her. Reading people was her job, and she had no desire to be on the receiving end.
“Do you believe what your brother preaches?” he asked.
“What paper do you work for?”
“I don’t. I’m writing a book, actually.”
“A book. On what?”
He waved a hand toward the empty stage, with a flick of his wrist, and said, “So-called miracles are a dime a dozen at these types of shows, and they can almost all be debunked in a matter of minutes. And yet, people show up, night after night, town after town, lining up to hand over their hard-earned money. I’ve gotta say, the concept fascinates me.”
“But you’re not a shrink.”
“No. I have a doctorate in new American religions.”
“This is not a new religion,” she said.
“No. Let’s just say I needed a break from studying…cults. I’ve been to a lot of these revivals. I will say your brother is one of the most…charismatic. I can see why women—and men—are drawn to him.”
“I’m afraid you missed the boat this time around—I’m pretty sure he’s filled his bed for the weekend, but you can always try your luck in the next town.”
He laughed, his eyes crinkling in genuine amusement. “That’s a shame,” he said. “I bet he’s fun.”
She hesitated, caught off guard. She wouldn’t have guessed he was interested in her brother. Based on his body language, she’d thought he was sort of interested in her. “I was kidding,” she said.
“So was I,” he answered with a smile. “He’s not my type. Although I’ll bet he is fun. Let’s hope whomever he’s sleeping with can keep up.”
“I’m sorry, did you come to talk about my brother’s sex life, or…?”
He laughed again, and she tried to ignore how attractive his laugh was. She scowled and crossed her arms, and he made an attempt to appear serious. “Sorry,” he said. “No. Actually, I didn’t even know your show was going to be here. I was on my way to—”
“Our bus broke down,” she cut in, tapping her foot to show her impatience. “I’d hate to keep you, though—I’m sure we’d be quite boring to someone as…educated as you.”
A small frown wrinkled his brow, and he said, “I’m unsure how I’ve managed to insult you.”
She was again taken aback. “I’m not insulted,” she said, although she was feeling self-conscious. To someone like him, her lack of education must be glaringly obvious. She wasn’t used to feeling so insecure, but his eyes were too watchful. And why was he being so polite and pleasant? She was being intentionally rude, and he was worried about hurting her feelings?
“Do you mind if I talk to some of your…performers?”
“Angels.”
“Angels, then. May I?”
“Why are you asking me?” she said. “They can talk to whoever they want.”
“It seems pretty clear that you run things,” he answered, further surprising her. “Also, I wouldn’t want to give the impression I’m sneaking around behind your back. Or that I have any underhanded motives. I’m not interested in...insulting their faiths. I’m only interested in honest conversations, from those willing to engage.”
“Oh, please,” she said. “You already said the miracles can be debunked. A professor of religions—surely discrediting faiths is part of the job.”
“Faith cannot be discredited,” he answered. “Certain aspects of religions can be disproven, some cannot. Faith itself requires no proof. And I’ve never claimed to have all the answers. If I believed that, I wouldn’t continue…learning, trying to learn, researching.”
“Searching,” she suggested.
It was his turn to look surprised. He considered. “I suppose that’s fair, yes,” he said. “Would you answer some questions?”
“No,” she said. She needed to get away from him. For some reason, he’d scrambled her thoughts and frazzled her nerves. “Sorry, I just…don’t have time,” she added. She started to turn away, and his voice stopped her.
“It’s Sam, right?” When she hesitated and looked back, he said, “Is it Sam Nightingale?” She felt a flutter of unease, and it must’ve shown on her face. He held up a hand. “Just Sam, then,” he said, before she could figure out how to answer. Then he lowered his hand, extending it toward her. She shook it automatically, before she even realized what she was doing. His palm was warm, and she felt an unwelcome pull of desire at the touch. He held her hand for a moment. As he released her, a small smile curved his lips, and he said, “Jackson Neill.”
  “What did you tell them?”
“I told them that the Lord values patience.”
Sam smiled, but it felt tight. “You know we’ll settle up as soon as we can, Ida Mae,” she said.
The older woman put a hand on her shoulder. “I know, Sam. You and Jonas always come through. But lately…things are tighter and tighter. And the Angels are getting antsy.”
“They’ll be paid, I give you my word.”
Ida Mae sighed. “Sam, you and I are the only ones who know how bad the books are. With the bus breaking down, we’re gonna have a hard enough time just getting out of this town, let alone—”
“Sunday night, we’ll have a miracle. We’ll get the money.”
“These people don’t have much to give,” Ida Mae said.
“We’ll give them something so big they won’t be able to resist,” Sam said.
Ida Mae hesitated. “Well, sugar, I know you have a plan—you always do. But even Jonas can’t make it rain unless it’s God’s will. And with the sheriff already snooping into our finances—”
“Jonas has the sheriff occupied,” Sam cut in. “And don’t worry about Jonas, he can take care of himself. We’ll get the money for the bus, and the Angels will get their pay. Just tell them to have faith for a little longer.”
Ida Mae sighed. “It’s not faith they’re lacking, love,” she said. “And speaking of faith, what should we do about the professor snooping around?”
“Is he being…obnoxious?”
With her eyebrows raised, Ida Mae said, “Obnoxious? Lord, no, the boy’s charming as all get-out. I’m trying to keep Ornella away from him. But he’s asking all sorts of questions about Jonas, and you—”
“Me?”
“Wants to know if you and your brother are true believers,” Ida Mae said. She rolled her eyes. “He seems to think maybe Jonas is conning us all.”
“He’s not a cop. And his book isn’t about us, specifically. Just…let him poke and prod if that’s what he wants. We’ll be out of here Monday morning. He might be charming, but he doesn’t stand a chance if he decides to take on my brother.”
“Eavesdropping is a terrible habit,” a voice said, and Sam and Ida Mae turned toward the sound, startled. Jackson held up a hand. “One in which I never partake—intentionally. I apologize, I didn’t want to interrupt, but I can’t in good conscience—”
“How long have you been there?” Sam asked.
“Too long,” he admitted with a grimace. “Sorry.”
Sam looked at Ida Mae. “Thanks,” she said, touching a hand to the older woman’s arm. “I’ll see you at rehearsal.” Ida Mae nodded and, casting a look at Jackson, left them alone. Sam put her hands on her hips and faced the professor. “Do you just get your rocks off by going around listening to people talk about you?” He’d lost his sweater and tie, and she couldn’t blame him. It was still early, and the day had already grown hot.
He raised his eyebrows. “I rarely stumble upon people talking about me.”
“I doubt that,” she muttered.
He grinned, and she had to clench her jaw and narrow her eyes to keep from smiling in return. “You said something about letting me poke and prod? Does that extend to you?”
“I—What?” she asked, flustered. She felt her cheeks beginning to heat and cursed herself.
“Will you answer some questions?”
“Oh,” she answered, blushing more furiously than ever.
“Can I buy you a cup of coffee, or…a slice of pie or something? Ask a few questions? It’ll be painless.”
“Poking and prodding is rarely painless,” she said.
“I promise to be gentle,” he answered, and her heart stuttered in her chest. She tried to tell herself that the nervous flutter in her stomach, the hollow ache in her lower belly, the hot flush in her cheeks—that these things had nothing to do with desire. She tried to tell herself that she wasn’t alarmingly attracted to him.
She was an accomplished liar, but even she couldn’t fool herself this time.
He tipped his head a bit, regarding her.
She cleared her throat. “Why are you so…”
“Persistent?” he suggested with a small smile.
“Interested,” she countered. “I guarantee, I have nothing to add to your book, Professor—Dr. Neill, or whatever I call you.”
“Jackson.”
“I can’t get you an interview with my brother, if that’s what you’re looking for. You’ll have to try to pin him down yourself.”
“I’m not interested in talking to your brother,” he said. “Well,” he added, bobbing his head, “I am, but that’s not—How about lunch?”
She blinked, surprised. “Does that mean the offer of pie is off the table?” she heard herself asking. “Because I was sort of…warming to the idea of pie.”
He chuckled. “Lunch and pie, of course,” he said. “And coffee.”
“Fine, but I promise you, you’re gonna be disappointed.”
“I doubt that,” he said, smiling.
  There was something oddly sensual about the way he ate apple pie, and she had to keep reminding herself to pull her gaze away from his mouth. If he’d noticed, he hadn’t commented. He’d been asking her innocuous questions—What kind of music did she like? What was her favorite book?
They were personal questions, not related to Jonas or the revival, but they weren’t overly personal. He’d been making small talk all through lunch, and she’d even asked him a few questions of her own—how long had he been teaching? Did he have another career path in mind? How long was he planning on traveling the country, researching revivals?
By the time their pie arrived, however, she’d begun to feel guilty. She didn’t like the feeling, and she didn’t like feeling as though she owed him anything. Nevertheless, she’d agreed to answer questions for his book. He was buying her lunch and hadn’t yet asked one question pertaining to Jonas or their show.
She realized she was staring at his mouth, again, and forced her eyes up to his. “Look,” she said, setting her fork down and putting her elbows on the table. “I appreciate the whole nice guy routine you’ve got going on, alright? What’s your favorite color, what’re your hopes and dreams, did you turn out like this because your father was a piece of shit alcoholic—but you don’t have to pretend to be interested in my life.”
“Who’s pretending?” he asked quietly.
“You’re worried about offending me, don’t be, I’m not breakable. Ask me what you came to ask.”
“Was he abusive?”
“What?” she asked. Her heart was suddenly dancing nervously in her chest. She didn’t know why she’d mentioned her father—Jackson hadn’t asked her about her childhood.
Jackson leaned forward and put his elbows on the table, as well. She had to fight her urge to sit back. She had to struggle to hold his steady gaze. “Your father. Was he abusive?”
She didn’t mean to answer. She never discussed her childhood, not with anyone. Ida Mae knew a bit, because she’d been around a long time. But no one except Sam and Jonas knew what it had really been like.
Jackson’s expression was kind, his green gaze perceptive, and she heard herself saying, “Not to me. Not when Jonas was around.”
“Was it just the two of you?” he asked.
“It’s always been just the two of us.”
“Ah,” he said.
She frowned. “Don’t say ah like you understand something. I know you think my brother is a fraud—”
“I don’t know what your brother is or isn’t. I haven’t spoken to him. But I did speak to your…Angels. And they love him. Oh, they made jokes. Even hungover, Jonas can run circles around any evangelist, and just imagine if he ever tried it without a hangover. He’s slept with half of every town you’ve been to, and the other half is jealous. He’s the only gambler who always manages to break even without ever winning. But they love him. I don’t know if they all believe what he preaches, but they believe in him. He may be a con artist, but unless he’s really bad at it—which I doubt—he’s not in it to get rich. Most of these guys live in mansions and drive fancy cars and wear ten thousand dollar watches when they’re not out slumming it in these small towns—”
“Most of these guys?” she repeated, cutting him off. “Look, Professor, my brother might drink, and sleep around, and gamble, and…bend the truth. But life isn’t handed to everyone on a silver platter, and we do what we have to do to survive. Maybe you think that’s an excuse, a copout, a…justification for bad behavior, but my brother…All he ever wanted was to sing, to perform, to…to make people happy. My earliest memories are of watching him sing in church, or dancing in the backyard, he used to put on shows for me and my toys, and—” She broke off, giving her head a shake to clear it. She hadn’t meant to get nostalgic. “But as for conning people? Maybe you don’t think it’s…godly to convince someone to, say, buy a car they don’t need.”
“I would hesitate to use the word ‘godly’ applied to any man,” he said.
“Men feel godly all the time. I daresay even you,” she added. “Maybe you don’t like the word. Maybe you’d prefer…powerful. It’s the same thing in the end. But some men convince people to spend their money on cars or TVs or timeshares in the Caribbean.”
“Your brother convinces them to spend their money on miracles,” he said.
“If he can talk a person out of an addiction, is that a miracle? If he can convince a girl who hasn’t spoken in three years to talk to her parents, is that a miracle? If he can get a man who hasn’t walked without crutches—”
“People with blind faith are susceptible to manipulation,” Jackson interrupted. “And desperate people who want to believe in miracles can, in fact, create their own…unexplained—”
“What’s the difference?”
“The difference is, if you’re only in town for three days, it’s easy to convince a man he’s no longer addicted to nicotine or gambling or…sex, or whatever. But after you—after Jonas leaves town, how long do you think it takes for those cravings to return? What you’re talking about, it can work for trained hypnotherapists, or psychologists, but without the proper follow-up care—” He stopped and let out a breath. “I’m sorry,” he said, surprising her. “I didn’t mean to…” He waved his hand, grimacing.
“Preach?” she suggested.
He smiled. “Right. Would you like more coffee?”
She glanced at her cup. “No. Thanks. I have to get back and set up for rehearsals.” She slid her plate aside and put her hand on the table, turning to get up.
He reached out and touched her wrist, lightly, stopping her. “I know it might feel like it’s too late to…change the course of your life,” he said. His expression was earnest, and his fingers were warm against her wrist. “It’s not. There are so many things—”
She pulled her arm away and pushed to her feet. He leaned back in his seat, looking up at her, and she could sense his disappointment. Or perhaps it was merely frustration.
“You think of yourself as open-minded, but you’re a lot more judgemental than you think you are. And it might be easy for you to point fingers at Jonas, but I’d say you’re the one with the savior complex. I doubt that worked well for you in those cults you mentioned.” She saw his wince and continued: “I don’t need you to save me, Dr. Neill. And trying would be a waste of your time.”
“Sam,” he said when she started away. She thought he might get up, follow her, but he didn’t. She wasn’t sure if she was disappointed or relieved.
“Thanks for lunch,” she said, walking away from him.
  “You’ll have your money Monday morning.”
As the mechanic walked away, Sam lowered her head and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and finger. The bus was fixed; now they just needed to pay for it—or sneak out of town before Monday morning. Jonas had talked the motel owner into comping several rooms, one for Jonas and the rest for the Angels. Sam could’ve had one for herself, but she chose, as always, to stay on the bus. They might not have to worry about the vehicle being stripped, not in a place like Sweetwater, but old habits died hard. Without the bus, they would be screwed.
She didn’t know if they could get enough money from the residents of the town, even with a ‘miracle.’ Getting money from Sweetwater would be like getting blood from a stone, but she couldn’t convince Jonas of that.
He had no idea how dire their finances really were. Jackson had been right—Jonas wasn’t in the game to get rich. He didn’t care about money. He did care about keeping himself, his sister, and their choir fed and sheltered, he cared about keeping liquor in his flask and fuel in the bus, and he was willing to sweet-talk, schmooze, and seduce to keep their operation running. But, money? That was Sam’s department, Sam’s and Ida Mae’s. Jonas knew that they’d been creative with their books and lax on their taxes, but he didn’t ask for details.
And Sam didn’t volunteer them. Jonas had already done a few short stints in small jailhouses. She would do whatever she could to keep him from anything more serious. Plausible deniability might end up saving him in the end.
They were going to need a big miracle on Sunday, and her brother wasn’t going to like it. Not when he found out what she had in mind. She didn’t like it, herself, but the boy was their only hope. Their only other option was to load up and sneak out of town before the kind and generous, and desperate, residents realized they’d been swindled.
“Sam, we’re missing three speaker cables.”
She lifted her head. “Missing?”
Jed cleared his throat and shuffled his feet. “Uh. We had ‘em last night. But…”
She suppressed a sigh. Maybe Sweetwater wasn’t as sweet as it seemed, after all. Why someone would steal the cables, and not the speakers, was beyond her, though. “There’s one extra under the driver’s seat of the bus. Take that for now, stagger the speakers further apart for rehearsals. We can make do being down two speakers if we have to but I’ll see what I can do.”
“There’s a hardware store, they might have something?”
She shook her head. “Go on with the setup. And, Jed? Everything is going to be locked up tonight, got it?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She turned and saw Jackson talking to Ornella. The young woman had her hand on his arm and her brightest smile plastered on her face. Jackson had his head tipped toward her, eyes focused on her face while she talked, but as Sam watched, his gaze flicked up to hers for a moment. She faltered, flustered.
She gave herself a mental shake, frowned, and took off, striding toward town.
As she neared Main Street, she caught sight of her brother, and she slowed to a stop. He was on the baseball field with a boy—the boy—in a wheelchair. She felt a nervous wiggle in her stomach. Jonas seemed to be showing the kid something on a keyboard the boy had across the armrests of his chair.
Don’t get attached, Jonas, she thought. We need him.
She stood there for a few moments, and it occurred to her that there must be something wrong with her. Attached? He’s not a stray dog, he’s a child, she thought, with the acid of self-loathing churning in her stomach.
“He’s good with kids.”
Sam jumped, whirling toward the sound of the voice, cursing herself for being caught off guard. She never let anyone sneak up on her, and Jackson had now managed to startle her three times in one day. She tried to glare at him, but his expression held wariness and contrition, and she couldn’t maintain her dirty look. He didn’t deserve it, anyway.
“He’s good with everyone,” she muttered, turning away from the professor and starting along the sidewalk.
“I owe you an apology,” Jackson said, trailing along behind her.
“No, you don’t,” she answered. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Sam, please,” he said. She stopped, turning to face him. “I had no right to…presume to tell you what you should do with your life. I just…I don’t want to judge, I just want to understand. If you’ll give me another chance to observe…”
“Observe?” she repeated. “Ornella would be happy to show you around. She knows all the backstage secrets, believe me, and she loves to gossip. You’ll have a good time with her.”
“I’m not interested in—” He stopped, a small frown creasing his brow, and regarded her for a few seconds. She resisted the urge to fidget. “I’d like to spend my time with you, if you’ll allow it.”
She was again caught off guard by his directness. He kept throwing her off. She couldn’t imagine why he would be interested in her company. “I can’t stop you,” she said.
His expression tightened. “Absolutely, you can,” he said, quietly. “If you tell me to leave you alone, you won’t see me again.”
She didn’t want that, and the realization alarmed her. She almost told him to go away simply because she wanted him to stay. She bit back the words and said, instead, “Do you have a bad back or anything?”
He hesitated, blinking. “Excuse me?” he finally asked.
“I might need you to carry something. I’m headed to the school to see if I can talk them out of some cables, but we also have a split hose, we need water jugs—”
“Say no more,” he interrupted, holding up a hand. “Just load me up and tell me which way to go.”
She laughed in spite of herself. “Fine, you can tag along,” she said. “Prepare to be bored.” She cast another glance toward her brother and the boy as she started up the sidewalk.
“May I ask something, and this is without judgement—” He hesitated, looking sideways at her as they walked, waiting for her permission. She nodded. “Does your brother—Jonas—believe that he can heal someone like that kid?”
“Are you just asking if he’s a conman?” she asked.
“Not exactly,” he answered. “I…” He looked over his shoulder. “Look, I have my opinions on the monetary aspect, and I have my opinions on the religious aspect. But I can see a real smile on his face right now, and I could see the…sort of…love he has for performing, when he was rehearsing. You said he can…talk people into or out of things, addictions, whatnot.”
“Which you pointed out was probably temporary and most likely dangerous,” she said.
He grimaced and waved a hand. “Forget anything I said that sounded…jackassy. I’m genuinely curious about his motivations.”
She sighed. “Does Jonas believe that he can heal people?” She hesitated.
He stopped walking and, after a couple of steps, so did she. She turned toward him, and he surprised her again. “Off the record,” he said. “While I can’t and won’t condone the…fleecing of desperate people, I also won’t go around trying to discredit what I don’t fully understand. You have my word, I won’t use anything you say about your brother against you, or him, or…the show.”
She had no real reason to trust him. She’d only just met him, and she’d learned early on that people were built to lie. Even so, she did trust him. She was fully aware that it might come back to bite her, but she found herself answering honestly. She could still see her brother, out in the field, and she felt a twinge of guilt for talking about him.
“No, he doesn’t think he can heal people, people who are…really sick, or…or hurt, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help people,” she said. “Look, my brother can be…abrasive, obnoxious…loud, brash, overbearing…egotistical…” She frowned. “Well, no, actually, if anything he thinks too little of himself, but…all the other things, he can be a lot to take, I get that. I can hardly stand him myself, half the time.” She paused, trying to gather her thoughts. She’d just spouted a bunch of negative-sounding adjectives, and she wanted to make it clear that they were just a small part of who Jonas was, just the armor he wore against the world.
“He doesn’t believe in himself, but you do,” Jackson said.
She opened her mouth, and closed it again, frowning. Finally, she said, “I’ve seen things I can’t explain. I’m not delusional, if that’s what you mean.”
“Of course, it’s not. You have faith in your brother.”
“Yes,” she answered, and he nodded, seeming to accept that.
“So,” he said, resuming their walk. She fell into step beside him. “What kind of cables are we looking for?”
  Jackson had his sleeves rolled up past his elbows. His hair was damp at his forehead and the nape of his neck. Sam kept sneaking glances at him as they walked; she couldn’t help herself.
He kept looking at her, too, and every time their eyes met she felt a pleasant flutter in her stomach. He had an endearing little half-smile, and he somehow—without even trying—made her feel attractive.
She was sweating, too, even though he was carrying the heavy stuff: the coil of green garden hose that she’d borrowed from the hardware store, the wound lengths of speaker cable she’d convinced the high school A/V club to offer on loan, and an armful of books salvaged from the discard bin at the library. She was carrying two empty water jugs. She felt a little guilty, and not just about the disparate weight distribution.
“Your shirt’s going to be filthy,” she said, glancing at the dirty hose wrapped around his arm.
He shrugged a shoulder, offering her that half-smile. “It’s just a shirt,” he said. “When my kids were little, I think I went through five a day.”
She tried not to think about the way her heart had just stumbled. “You have kids?” she asked, after taking a moment to gather her composure. She didn’t think he was married—he wasn’t wearing a ring—but she hadn’t asked.
“Mmhmm,” he said. She was looking straight ahead, now, but she could feel his eyes on her. “Two. They’re currently at Disneyland with my ex-wife and her…boyfriend.”
Sam noted the hesitation, of course, and glanced at him. “Is that weird for you?” she asked.
“Which part?”
“Your ex having her boyfriend on vacation with your kids.”
“He’s a nice enough guy. The kids like him. I guess I just feel weird about the word.”
“Boyfriend?”
He laughed. “Yeah. What about you? Do you ever look around these towns and think about starting a family?” When she didn’t immediately answer, he said, “Sorry, too personal?”
“I don’t think about it, much,” she said, which wasn’t exactly true. She’d been thinking about it more and more, lately. “But a town like this? No. I might’ve come from the sticks but I’m never going back. A place this quiet might be good for a while, but I like the city. The noise, the pace, everything. I’d go crazy in a place like this. Is this what you want?”
He sniffed, looking around. “It has its appeal,” he said. “There’ve been times when I wondered if I should’ve raised my kids in a place like this, where everyone knows everyone and you can hear yourself think. But, no. Maybe when I’m eighty and ready to retire.”
She smiled. “You’re not gonna retire off this book you’re writing?”
He chuckled. “Even if I can convince more than three people to read it, no. I’ll teach until they throw me out.”
“Teaching religious studies to a bunch of obnoxious twenty-year-olds?” she asked. “Is it really that great?”
Grinning, he said, “They can be obnoxious, yes, but I used to teach eighth graders. Trust me, they’re scarier.”
“I’ll bet you’re everyone’s favorite professor,” she said. “You probably grade on attendance and bake the class cookies.”
He laughed, turning his head to look at her, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “Bake cookies?” he repeated.
His beauty in the bright sunlight stole her breath, and she had to struggle to keep her voice steady. “Tell the truth,” she said.
He was still laughing, and she wanted to kiss him. The impulse shocked her. “Once,” he said. “I baked cookies one time.”
She laughed, trying to ignore her flush of desire. Hopefully he would think she was just overheated. “I knew it,” she answered. “Was it a birthday? Or did you just feel guilty about giving them a test or something?”
He cleared his throat.
She stopped walking, looking at him. “Seriously?”
He turned to face her. His expression was sheepish. “Actually, I gave a test that everyone but one student failed.” He hesitated, and she knew that wasn’t the whole story.
“Because?” she prompted.
“Because my wife moved out and took the kids to her mother’s house and filed for divorce within the span of a week and I was…”
“Cranky?”
He smiled. “Something like that.”
“That’s rough,” she said. “Why’d she leave? Did you cheat on her?”
He seemed startled by the idea. “No,” he answered.
She read his expression. “She cheated on you,” she said. It wasn’t a question, and she saw his throat bob as he swallowed. “Sorry,” she said, and she meant it. “But hey, on the bright side, now you’re free to sleep with all the pretty young college girls that’re no doubt falling at your feet.”
He regarded her in silence for a few moments, chewing the inside of his lower lip. “I would never sleep with a student,” he finally said. “It would be unethical.”
“So if I enrolled in your class?” she asked, but she felt a surge of guilt for making a joke just to cover her own discomfort. “Sorry,” she repeated. “Look, I didn’t mean to…offend you, or whatever.”
“I’m not offended,” he said quietly. “And for the record, I’m not trying to sleep with you.”
She tried to think of something to say. “I…”
“Not because I don’t want to,” he added, shifting the stack of books he was holding. “Because, also for the record, I find you very attractive, and to answer your question, if you were enrolled in my class, I’d be distracted all the time and probably bake a lot more cookies.” He turned and started walking, but slowly, and she fell into step beside him. “Sex is all well and good, Sam—”
She snorted. “Well and good? I don’t want to speak ill of your ex, but she sounds like a bore.”
He smiled, and finished, “But romance is better.”
“Isn’t the point of romance to get to the sex?” she asked.
“The point of romance is romance,” he said. “Making breakfast in bed, or sending someone flowers on a random Wednesday just so they know you were thinking about them? Celebrating your six-month anniversaries and…waking up early each morning just so you have longer to spend curled up together? Nicknames, secret jokes, holding hands, showering together—crying together, all of it.” He turned toward her again. His shirt was stuck to his sweaty shoulders and back, and they were never going to make it to the bus if they kept stopping. “Forgive me, Sam, but it really pains me to think you haven’t had anyone love you the way you deserve to be loved.”
“You don’t even know me,” she muttered. Her heart was racing. She was caught between her instincts for fight and flight. There were sarcastic, cruel words perched on her tongue; her feet were itching to run. “Maybe I’ve been loved exactly the way I deserve.” She didn’t know she was going to say it until the words were hanging in the hot air between them.
He studied her face, and she forced herself to keep her gaze from dropping. “I don’t think so,” he said, and his voice was soft. He let out a breath. “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. And, at the risk of undermining my, uh…rugged masculinity, these books weigh about ten times what they did when we started out.”
“And it’s hotter than hell,” she said, as they started walking.
“It’s a shame your brother can’t give the county a little rain.” When she shot him a look, he said, “I’m serious. This place is about to blow away.”
She looked around at the town. She’d meant what she said: she wouldn’t want to settle into a small town, Sweetwater or any other. That didn’t mean she couldn’t see its appeal, though. “It’s a shame,” she said, quietly. She squinted up at the cloudless sky.
If he could make it rain, we wouldn’t need the kid, she thought, looking toward the deserted baseball field. Her brother was nowhere in sight, and neither was the boy. Jonas isn’t going to like it.
  “Who’s the guy who’s been snooping around?”
“What guy?” Sam asked without looking up.
“The old guy who looks…soft and professor-ish.”
She lifted her head. “He’s not old,” she said, without thinking. She saw Jonas’s smirk, and clenched her jaw.
“Just soft and professor-ish?” Jonas teased. “Maybe he should do something about the gray, then,” he said, pinching at his own hair near his temple.
“He is a professor, he’s got a doctorate in new American religions. He’s writing a book about revivals. And not everyone has a love affair with vanity,” she said, and her brother laughed. “Besides, he’s only six years older than you.”
Jonas tipped his head. “By my calculations, that makes him eight years older than you,” he told her. “I’m tempted to ask how you know, since it seems unlikely you’d come right out and ask…” He narrowed his eyes, regarding her, and she felt herself flushing. “You Googled him, didn’t you?”
She crossed her arms to keep from fidgeting. “It’s my job to dig up information on people,” she said, hating the defensiveness in her own voice.
“Oh, so you found something we can use? Great, we’ll make a believer out of him.”
“No,” she said, harsher than she’d intended, and she saw Jonas’s smile. She cursed herself for continuing to rise to his bait, but his smile was gentle, now. That was somehow worse. Jonas understood her as no one else ever had. “Don’t worry about it,” she told him. “He won’t cause problems. If I have to, I’ll keep him distracted until we leave town. He won’t follow us, he’s got a hundred other revivals to visit.”
“If you have to,” Jonas said, softly, and she could see the sadness in his smile. She didn’t want his pity. “Sam,” he said, with a sigh. “You’re allowed to—”
“Don’t tell me what I can or can’t do,” she cut in, because she didn’t want to have this conversation. “I get along fine, thanks.”
“Right,” Jonas said. “God forbid you actually care about someone.”
“You’re one to talk!” she exclaimed, but they both knew that caring about people had never been his problem. Their father had always said he was too sensitive, but Sam knew the truth. Jonas had always felt things deeply, had always loved wholeheartedly, and he’d always been fiercely loyal to anyone who treated him with kindness.
Yes, he could convince a widow to hand over her wedding ring, but she would do so with a smile. Yes, he could take a different person to bed each night, but he never left them feeling disrespected or unappreciated. Yes, if he felt cornered or betrayed, he could cut a person in half with the sharpness of his tongue.
Jonas loved performing. He got his high not from the dollars landing in the baskets, but the smiles on people’s faces. Their money kept him fed, but their cheers were what nurtured him. Jonas was the most alive when he was on a stage, and he took no pleasure from fooling people. When he convinced a man to quit smoking, it didn’t matter if it was really God’s will or not. What mattered to Jonas was that he’d impacted someone’s life, that he’d left a mark. Jonas wanted desperately to be loved, to be appreciated. To be respected.
Sam knew the feeling. It was something they shared, a remnant of their childhood. They’d spent their formative years searching in vain for the love of a parent. They’d craved affection and acceptance, and they’d turned to each other. He’d been her best friend, her protector. And then she’d become his protector. It had been a gradual shift. Every punch from their father had left more than a physical mark. Every cruel word had added an invisible scar.
Jonas felt things deeply, and Sam trained herself to keep her own feelings buried. She’d made herself into an emotional shield for him, the way he’d once been a physical shield for her. It had been the two of them against the world for as long as she could remember, and she didn’t know any other way of life. Until recently, she’d never allowed herself to fantasize about anything else.
They often argued. In fact, there were few things on which they’d ever seen eye to eye. But Jonas was the one person who would never betray her. She loved him, even when she wanted to strangle him. If it weren’t for him, she might not believe herself capable of love.
But Jonas, he deserved the kind of all-in love—breakfast in bed, celebrating half-year anniversaries, flowers on Wednesdays, cuddling in the early morning light, affectionate nicknames, kisses both passionate and tender, holding hands on the sidewalk, shared showers, shoulders to cry on, private jokes, gazes filled with adoration—that he secretly craved. The years on the road were slowly eating away at him. Each performance gave him joy, but the rest of the life was wearing on him.
No matter whose bed he was in, he always fell asleep alone. He didn’t have to tell her that. They didn’t typically discuss their sex lives. Nor did she care about what he did with whom. What she cared about was the fact that, lately, even the performances couldn’t completely erase the sadness from around his eyes. The highs were no longer outweighing the lows.
She couldn’t stand to watch him destroying himself.
She wanted to set him free, and she didn’t know how. She wasn’t sure who she was without him and the show. She was terrified to examine herself in the mirror, afraid that she would see nothing but an outline, a shadow, in the reflection.
“Look, I’m not some helpless little girl anymore,” she said. She was horrified to feel tears burning her eyes, and she gritted her teeth, forcing them back.
“You were never helpless,” he answered quietly.
“So you don’t have to worry about me,” she said. “What you need to worry about is the show. We need to use the kid.” He knew that Jake was the sheriff’s son, now. She hadn’t been the one to tell him, and she hadn’t asked him what had happened.
“No.”
“No? No? I’m telling you, we don’t have a choice, not if you want to get out of this godforsaken town.” When he was silent, she narrowed her eyes. “You do want to get out of here, right?”
“Of course,” he answered, but she wasn’t sure he believed himself. “But he’s the sheriff’s kid, and…Jake’s been through enough.”
“Oh, really? The world is cruel, Jonas, you know that. The sooner the kid learns that—”
“He knows about the cruelty of the world, Sam,” Jonas interrupted. “The one thing he has left is hope—faith. I won’t take that from him.”
“Everyone in town says it’s psychosomatic,” she said. “There’s no reason for him not to walk, no medical reason. It’s in his head, Jonas. All you have to do is convince him that God wants him to walk, and—”
“No,” he repeated, his tone harsh.
“He believes in you. He will believe in you.”
“Yeah,” Jonas said, running his fingers through his hair in agitation. “Yeah, Sam.” She could hear the rawness in his voice, and it alarmed her. He was too emotionally invested, already. “And what if it’s not all in his head, huh? He doesn’t need someone like me coming in and—”
“Is this because you’re sleeping with his father? You’ve done miracles on kids before.”
“This is different and you know it.”
“Everyone in town loves the kid. You can’t give them rain, Jonas, but you can give them something they want just as much. They’d each give their last penny to get that kid on his feet, you can see it in their faces when they look at him, when they talk about him. If you’re looking for a change, we can change. We can figure something out, but we have to get—”
“Sam.” He sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. When he looked at her again, she could see the weariness around his eyes, the unhappiness around his mouth, the defeat in his posture. “I love you, sis,” he said, quietly. “But I can’t discuss this right now.”
Before she could say anything, he turned on his heel and strode away. She stood, staring after him, stunned. She was feeling a little bit of everything at once, all the emotions swirled together to leave her with a general sense of unease.
Her gaze shifted, and she caught Jackson’s eyes. He always seemed to be around; her eyes always seemed to find his. He’d changed into jeans and a gray t-shirt that accentuated the muscles in his arms, and she thought, soft and professor-ish, my ass.
She didn’t think he was close enough to have heard the conversation. He certainly wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. She could feel his concern, though, could see it in his expression. He was worried about her, and she didn’t know how to deal with that. She didn’t know how to feel about it. She turned her back on him and walked in the opposite direction of her brother. And Jackson.
  “It’s Jackson, right?”
The professor turned. “Jonas Nightingale, at last,” he said, extending a hand. Jonas looked him over while shaking his hand. “Did Sam tell you I wanted to ask a few questions?”
“No,” Jonas answered. “Actually, I came to talk about her.”
“Your sister?” Jackson said, suddenly wary.
“You seem to have spent most of the day with her,” Jonas said. “Are you trying to screw her?”
Jackson blinked in surprise. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“First of all, vulgarity aside, I—” He stopped, raising his hands when Jonas stepped closer.
Jonas poked him in the chest, and said, “She’s had enough assholes in her life. If you hurt her, I’ll bring hellfire raining down on your head, professor.”
“I appreciate your attempt to look out for your sister, here—Could you back up, please? Thanks,” Jackson said, smoothing the front of his shirt when Jonas took a step back. “I have no intention of hurting her, and I only met her this morning.”
“It only takes a few minutes,” Jonas said.
“Not for me, it doesn’t,” Jackson answered.
Jonas laughed, pointing at him. “Touché. So. Jackson. What’s everyone been saying about me behind my back? Come on, don’t make me buy the book.”
“So far as I can tell, everyone loves you,” Jackson said. He saw something like guilt flit across Jonas’s features. “They wouldn’t be here if they didn’t.”
“Hey,” Jonas said, spreading his arms. “What’s not to love?”
“I met you forty-five seconds ago.”
“Well, I like you, doc,” Jonas said. “You’re an honest guy, I can tell. I’ll bet you’ve never told a lie in your life. Don’t let Sam scare you off.”
“I’m not—there’s nothing going on between—”
“Careful, now, don’t make this your first lie,” Jonas said. He pulled his flask from his back pocket and unscrewed the lid. He held the flask toward Jackson, raising his eyebrows.
“No,” Jackson said. “Thank you.”
Jonas smiled as he took a drink. Replacing the lid, he shook his head. “So polite, too. Ask me some questions, professor. I love to talk about myself.”
“Alright. Why do you do what you do?”
“Do what I do?” Jonas asked. “You mean the Lord’s work?”
“If that’s what you believe, then yes,” Jackson answered.
Jonas narrowed his eyes. “I think we both know the answer,” he said, all traces of humor gone from his expression. “We rip people off. No—I rip people off. I use their secrets against them, I manipulate them, I give them false hope, and I take their money. And then I never see them again.” He shrugged, spreading his arms again, the flask glinting in one hand. “Do they go back to drinking? Cheating? Hitting their wives? Who knows. I get my money and I leave.”
“People ask for help…not hitting their wives?” Jackson asked, feeling ill.
Jonas’s expression contorted, and Jackson didn’t doubt the sincerity of his pain. “Oh, doc, you wouldn’t believe what sins people confess,” he said, softly. “They want God to cure them. So I put my hand on their forehead and I promise them absolution if they change their ways. And what promise does the bruised and battered young woman beside them get? What assurance does she have that the beatings will stop? Nothing but the word of a conman. We can phone in an anonymous tip—” He stopped, licking his lips as he gathered his thoughts. He shook his head and looked at Jackson. “What kind of man needs someone like me to tell him not to hit his wife? Not to fuck around on her? Not to hit his kids—” He pulled in a deep breath. “You’re an educated man, right, professor? Me, I never graduated high school, so maybe I just don’t get it.”
“There are a lot of terrible people in the world,” Jackson said. “But there’re good people, too. I have to believe that the good outnumber the bad.”
“And what absolution does a man deserve after hitting his wife and kids?”
Jackson swallowed. “I don’t know the answer to that,” he said.
“What kind of redemption is there for a man who offers false hope—” He stopped again. He opened his flask and drank the last of his liquor. He shook the empty bottle. “I need a refill,” he said.
“When you look into the face of a child with a black eye, and you see yourself,” Jackson said, “what do you do? You can tell me that you offer absolution to the father and take your money and leave, but I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you because of your sister, and Ida Mae, and Ornella, and every person I’ve talked to about you. I think what you do is tell the man that God will give him the strength to be better, you tell him that he has the power to change and be forgiven, and you take his money. And then? You get that money into his wife’s hand along with the phone number of someone who can help her. And then you whisper into that kid’s ear, and you tell him that God is on his side, not his father’s, and that he will survive the hell in which he’s currently trapped and he will thrive in the world, and there will come a day when his father can no longer touch him.”
Jonas opened his mouth but couldn’t find any words to speak.
“Is that false hope? Maybe. I don’t know,” Jackson said. “Maybe sometimes yes, sometimes no. Maybe they get away. Maybe they don’t. Nobody can save everyone, but false hope is still hope, and sometimes that’s all we have to get us through the day. Hope for tomorrow. You want to know what people say behind your back?” Jackson bobbed his head, raising his eyebrows, and said, “They say a lot, Mr. Nightingale.”
He turned and walked away, and Jonas stared after him, stunned into speechlessness.
  Sam didn’t have time to worry about Jackson or the sheriff once the show started. She had to make sure the microphones were working, that the Angels were on their marks, that Jonas’s earpiece was working. She had to make sure she knew which audience member was sitting in which seat—and she had to make sure that the sections were clearly marked, because otherwise Jonas wouldn’t know where to go.
She had to make sure Jonas was sober—she could smell the alcohol on his breath when he got to the stage, but she could also smell the coffee. He’d made an attempt to sober himself up, and she followed up on that by pumping him full of water. She made a mental note that they might need to add an extra two minutes to his wardrobe change for a bathroom break, but they would cross that bridge if it arose. Once Jonas was on stage, he was usually able to push everything else aside and focus on the show.
She had to make sure there was water readily available for him and for the rest of the performers and crew. She had to supervise the collection baskets: if they were circulated too soon, people would begin to feel antsy and might even decide to leave; if they were passed around too late, people might not want to pay for a show they’d already seen.
There were a lot of things to worry about, but she was relieved, once the show started, to see that Jonas seemed fully committed. He was in top form, and he barely looked at the kid—Jake—where he sat near the corner of the stage. And he didn’t, as far as Sam could tell, look at the sheriff a single time during the performance.
He sang. He danced. He smiled. He flirted.
He was kind, compassionate. He was witty, funny.
He went in every direction Sam pointed him, without hesitation, and even Sam, who’d seen his act more times than she could count, was impressed by the advice he was doling out. He was the best he’d been in years, and Sam—at first relieved by his performance—gradually became aware of an uneasiness growing within her.
As Jonas drove the revival toward its conclusion with the velocity of a barrel traveling Niagara Falls, she could see his increasing desperation. If she didn’t know better, she’d think he was performing for the last time.
The thought filled her with dread.
  “You disappeared after the show.”
Jackson stood in the doorway, looking out at her. “You had a lot going on,” he answered. “I didn’t want to bother you.”
“You weren’t avoiding me?”
“No.”
“Do you like me, Jackson?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“I mean, like me, like we’re in junior high and—”
“What’s wrong, Sam?” he asked quietly.
“Can I come in?”
He stepped aside and pushed the door open wider. When she’d walked into his room, he closed the door with a soft click and turned to face her.
“I looked for you,” she said. “I was afraid you might be gone, that I’d never see you again.”
“I’m sorry,” he answered. “I felt like I’d forced my company onto you enough for—”
She stepped forward and kissed him. He made a sound of surprise, but it quickly turned into one of desire when she pushed him against the door. His hands rose to her face. He was kissing her in return, but she could feel his hesitation, his wariness. She pressed closer against him, running her hands down his sides. She reached for the button of his jeans, and he pulled his mouth away from hers.
“Sam,” he said. His hands were still on her face, his palms warm against her cheeks, and she met his eyes. “You can talk to me,” he told her.
“I don’t want to talk,” she said. “Just for tonight, I want to feel something good.” She hesitated, holding his gaze. “That’s not true,” she admitted. “Not just anything, I want you. I want you, Jackson, if you…if you’ll have me.”
He searched her face for several seconds. He bent his head, watching her eyes, and kissed her. His lips were gentle, and she could feel the pads of his thumbs, soft against her cheeks.
He made her feel vulnerable and safe at the same time, a combination that she could scarcely comprehend. She would normally flee at the first feelings of vulnerability, but in spite of her apprehension, she didn’t want to run. Something about him called to her, and had since she’d first laid eyes on him. He looked at her as though he were seeing her, the real her, the woman she kept hidden away from the world.
He turned, and she felt the wall against her back. She ran her hands down his sides again, but this time she didn’t reach for his fly. She took hold of the bottom of his shirt and slid it upward, and he lifted his arms, pulling his mouth from hers long enough to let her tug the shirt over his head. Then he claimed her mouth again as she slid her hands over his stomach, his chest, his arms. She wanted to feel his skin against hers, all of it.
He turned his head and his lips were soft and damp against her jaw, the crook of her neck, her throat. She tipped her head back against the wall and held onto his shoulders, arching against him, needing to be closer.
“Jackson,” she said, and she could hear the plea in her own voice.
“Sam,” he answered against her throat. One of his hands slid under her shirt, the heat of his palm seeping through the fabric of her bra as he cupped her breast. He sucked gently at the sensitive skin of her throat, and she made a sound, desperate to feel more of him. She lifted a leg, hooking it around his hips, and she could feel his growing arousal.
“I need you,” she breathed, something she’d never said before. “Please, Jackson.”
He grabbed the backs of her thighs and lifted her. She threw her other leg around him and held onto his neck. He covered her mouth with his again as he spun, carrying her toward the bed. In just a few seconds, he was lowering her onto the mattress, still kissing her. His arousal was nestled between her thighs, and she shifted, trying to pull him closer, her legs still around him.
His hands were hot against her stomach, and he pushed her shirt up, his fingers splayed over her ribcage. He pulled back, and she reluctantly dropped her legs away from his hips. A moment later, his lips were pressed against the bare skin of her stomach, and a shiver passed through her.
While he trailed kisses across her belly, one of his thumbs found her nipple—with uncanny ease—through the cup of her bra. She grabbed at his bare shoulders; she couldn’t remember ever wanting anyone as badly as she wanted him. She wanted him to hurry, but she also wanted the moment to last forever.
He seemed to have no intention of hurrying.
His mouth was slowly driving her insane with need—and that was only her stomach. The ache between her legs was building, and she wanted his tongue to move a few inches lower. His thumb was lazily teasing her nipple, and she wanted the barrier of her bra to disappear.
She wanted all the barriers between them to disappear.
He turned, reaching back to slip off her shoe. She made a sound of protest, when his mouth left her skin, that shocked her. He chuckled lightly, but instead of embarrassing her, his laugh only made her want him more.
He pulled off her shoe and sock, and then the other, dropping them to the floor. In just a few seconds, his fingers were at the button of her jeans, but his movements were still unhurried. He lowered her zipper and gently tugged the jeans over her hips; she shifted her legs, trying to make it easier, wanting the restricting garment gone. While he was pulling her jeans off and tossing them aside, she levered herself up and stripped her shirt over her head, throwing it past the edge of the bed. She unhooked her bra and pulled it off, too.
Jackson turned, his gaze sliding up the length of her body until their eyes met. He leaned forward and kissed her lips, but it was quick. She felt his hand on her inner thigh and she spread her legs further, wanting—needing—to give him better access. He shifted, and his middle finger found her clit through the thin cotton of her panties. His mouth closed around her breast at the same moment, his tongue flicking her nipple, and she gasped in surprise at the dual assault on her senses. She grabbed at his hair, tipping her head back as she arched, involuntarily, against his hand.
His fingers were gentle, massaging her through her dampening underwear, and he matched the rhythm with his tongue on her nipple. The pressure within her was building at an alarming rate; his ministrations were hurtling her toward climax more quickly than she’d imagined possible. She shifted against his hand, again.
“Jackson,” she said; his name was all she could manage.
He lifted his head and his mouth found hers. He kissed her while his fingers moved faster, rougher against her panties, and she arched her back, gasping into his mouth as her orgasm crashed over her. She shuddered against his hand, her muscles clenching as she tried to draw him closer.
He released her mouth and she pulled in a deep breath, blinking as she tried to make sense of how quickly he’d taken her over the edge—and the fact that he was still half-dressed. Before she could say anything, he took hold of her hips and shifted her further up the bed. He hooked his fingers into the elastic of her underwear and slid the panties past her thighs, down her legs, discarding them. In a heartbeat, she felt his breath between her legs, and she closed her eyes, once more saying his name.
His mouth closed around her, his tongue finding her sensitized clit, and she bucked against his face, gasping. Her hands were buried in his hair, and all she could do was hold on. Tremors rippled through her and then, almost without warning, she came again, crying out his name as she arched against his mouth.
He pushed to his feet and she watched, barely capable of rational thought, as he stripped out of his jeans and underwear. He was back in a moment, trailing kisses up her thigh, over her belly, across her breasts, her chest, up to her mouth. She shivered, running her hands over his shoulders, down his back, cupping her palms around his bare ass to pull him closer. She could feel his erection against her hip and she shifted, turning her mouth from his.
His hand was between her legs again, and she bit back a moan, closing her eyes for a moment. “Wait,” she managed, and his fingers stilled. She opened her eyes to find him looking at her. “I want you,” she said, reaching a hand between them to wrap her fingers around his erection. A shiver passed through his body, and she felt him twitch in her hand. He held her gaze, his eyelids heavy with desire. He lowered his head, pressing his lips against hers.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been kissed so much, if ever.
He pushed himself backward, slipping his erection from her grasp, and she blinked in surprise as his warmth disappeared from her body. She levered herself up on her elbows, watching as he tore open a small foil package. She didn’t know where it had come from, or how he’d had the presence of mind; she’d certainly been thinking of nothing so responsible.
She watched him roll on the condom before dragging her gaze up to his. She saw his lips curve into a smile, and she held out a hand, motioning for him. His body once more covered hers, and his hands were all over her—gently kneading her breast, tracing the curve of her hip, trailing along the hollow of her shoulder, tickling her inner thigh. She couldn’t keep track. Her skin was tingling everywhere he’d touched, her whole body on fire with desire.
So far, he’d gotten almost nothing in return.
Sam pushed at his chest, and he didn’t resist as she rolled him onto his back. In a few moments, she was straddling his stomach, and his hands were resting lightly on her hips. She ran her hands over his chest. He shifted his shoulders and she felt his stomach tightening against her inner thighs. She could feel his erection behind her, and she kissed him while she shifted her hips backward. He groaned against her mouth, and she reached between their bodies, taking his arousal in her hand.
He flexed his hips beneath her, pushing himself into her palm, and part of her was sorry that he’d already applied the condom. She wanted to feel him, his silky length against her hand. There was no time to worry about it, though. She could see the tightness in his expression, could feel the quivering of his muscles beneath her, and she levered herself up.
Holding him loosely in her hand, she positioned herself over his erection. His lips were parted, his fingertips pressing into her hips.
As she lowered herself partway down, she withdrew her hand and paused, meeting his eyes.
He was breathing shallowly through his mouth, his bright gaze fixed on hers. He slid his hand from her waist, and his fingers once more found her clit. She gasped in surprise, sinking down his length. He smiled, stroking lazily with his thumb. He shifted his hips beneath her, the muscles in his abdomen tightening.
She didn’t immediately move, taking a few moments to savor the feeling of fullness. She spread her palms over his stomach, relishing the way he quivered at her touch.
He needed release, though, and she wanted to watch his face as she pushed him over the edge. Bracing her hands on his abdomen, she started moving her hips, watching his eyelids droop. His thumb was still massaging her, and she increased her rhythm, determined to bring him to climax before he could make her lose control again.
He wasn’t moving his hips beneath her, but she could feel the tension in his muscles, could sense the effort it was taking for him to hold back and let her set the pace. She worked her hips faster, harder, and both of his hands were back at her waist, holding onto her. He said her name on a breath as he thrust upward, once, involuntarily, filling her completely as he came inside the sheath of his condom.
His hand fumbled its way between them, again, even as the tremors were still wracking his body, but she was already coming apart before his fingers found her most sensitive spot. At the light pressure of his fingers, she cried out, tightening around him, closing her eyes as her third orgasm stole her breath. She jerked and shuddered against his hand, and then he’d curved an arm around her shoulders and was pulling her down for another kiss. She collapsed against his chest, feeling weak and shaky as their mouths met.
He wrapped both arms around her, holding her against himself. She had to pull away from his mouth to draw a ragged breath, and she laid her cheek against his shoulder, shivering from the aftershocks of her orgasm. He kissed the top of her head.
“Sam,” he breathed into her hair. She could feel the thud of his heart.
“Jackson,” she murmured in return, and his arms tightened around her.
  Sam eased out of bed and quietly began gathering up her clothes. She was holding her shirt clutched to her chest, bending down to peer beneath the bed for her bra, when she realized that Jackson was watching her.
“You don’t have to leave,” he said, quietly.
“Oh, no, it’s alright,” she answered, feeling self-conscious. “I should get back to the bus…” She snatched her bra off the floor and straightened.
He was lying on his side, with his hand beneath his cheek. “Would you think less of me if I asked you to stay?” he asked. His voice was soft, and so was his expression. She felt a flutter in her stomach, something close to nervousness.
“Less of you?” she asked, confused.
He smiled. “Sorry, is that not possible?” he said. His tone was light, joking, but she felt compelled to reassure him.
“That’s not what I—” She chewed her lip for a moment, gathering her thoughts. “I wouldn’t want you to think I don’t respect you,” she said.
“And I wouldn’t want you to think I’m needy,” he answered. “It’s late. Come back to bed.”
Normally, she would bristle at something so close to a command. Except…it didn’t sound that way, not when he said it. And as she regarded him, she found that she really didn’t want to leave. Lying there with his hair mussed, his jaw stubbled, his eyes bright and watchful, naked—though covered from the waist down by a tangle of blankets—he was both sexy and adorable. Appealing, in a way that frightened her.
She was afraid of how badly she wanted to crawl under the covers beside him, to curl into his warmth and drift to sleep with his scent in her nostrils.
What could it hurt, though? After Monday, she would never see him again. He would move on to another revival, and she and Jonas and their revival would move on to another town.
She walked to the edge of the bed, dropping her clothes to the floor. She wasn’t sure why she felt so shy as she crawled onto the bed, or why she felt just a bit emotional about the fact that he pulled the covers up over her. He leaned over and kissed her, and she expected him to want more. She wouldn’t have objected—her body responded quickly and naturally to his—even though she was tired and inexplicably emotional.
After a quick kiss on her lips, however, he kissed her shoulder and settled his head on the pillow beside hers, putting his arm over her. She turned her head a bit so she could see his face. His eyes were closed, and she felt herself relaxing into his heat.
“Goodnight, Sam,” he murmured. She didn’t answer, but she found herself turning toward him. He lifted his arm, and she curled against his chest, closing her eyes. His arm once more settled over her, and he kissed the top of her head. Within a minute, he was asleep. She could feel the steady drum of his heart, and his breaths were soft and even. The rhythms of his body quickly lulled her into an easy sleep.
  When she woke, she was alone in the bed. She was surprised. She was normally a light sleeper, and wouldn’t have believed that someone could get out of bed—especially when the last thing she remembered was being tucked up against his body—without waking her.
She stayed there for a couple of minutes, listening. She could hear Jackson moving around in the bathroom. She could also smell bacon and eggs, and coffee, and knew that he’d gotten breakfast. After a moment, she spotted the white takeout containers beside the television. Her stomach rumbled at the scent, and she frowned. She wasn’t about to invite herself to share his breakfast; she already couldn’t believe she’d crawled back into bed and spent the whole night with him—let alone being curled up in his arms like…like…
She sat up and shook her head to clear it. What the hell is wrong with you? she thought. She leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed her shirt off the floor, quickly pulling it over her head. She was debating whether or not to throw on her jeans and sneak out, but before she’d made a decision, Jackson stepped out of the bathroom.
He was dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved, button-up shirt—white—that was open at the collar. He hadn’t shaved but appeared to have smoothed his hair.
Not only had he managed to leave the bed without waking her, he’d gotten dressed and, presumably, left to get breakfast. She couldn’t remember ever having slept so soundly.
He saw her sitting on the bed in her t-shirt, and he smiled at her. Her heart did a strange little skip in her chest. It was a real smile, one that crinkled the corners of his eyes. He was genuinely happy to see her, and she wasn’t sure how to process that.
He walked over to the bed. “Good morning,” he said quietly, still smiling.
“Morning,” she muttered. She knew that her hair was a tangled mess. She was probably a scary sight, and she was naked from the waist down, covered only with the sheet. “You seem cheerful.”
Grinning, Jackson put a knee on the edge of the bed and leaned over, bracing his hands on either side of her hips. He kissed her; she could taste coffee, and she could smell his cologne, and desire bloomed in her belly. She sank back against the pillow, and he followed her down, smiling against her lips.
She found herself smiling in return; she couldn’t help it. He lifted his head a bit to look at her, and she suddenly forgot that she had messy hair and no makeup and morning breath. When he looked at her, she felt beautiful.
“I don’t usually stay until morning,” she admitted quietly.
He kissed her, again, and said, “I’m glad you stayed.”
“I just made myself sound like a whore,” she muttered.
He gave his head a little shake. “Lonely,” he countered, his voice and eyes soft. He rolled onto his side, propping his cheek on his fist as he looked at her. “Sam, I don’t…know you very well, and I…don’t want to ask for anything you’re not ready to give. But I’d like to get to know you, and I want you to know that I’m willing to try and make that work, whatever it means.”
After a moment, she turned onto her side, too, so they were facing each other. “My real name is Samantha Newton,” she said, quietly. “But that feels like a different person. Jonas chose the name Nightingale, and that feels…truer. I don’t even remember my mother, and my father was…the meanest sort of drunk. He wasn’t so nice when he was sober, either, but it was worse when he’d been drinking. And he hated Jonas, because Jonas was everything he wasn’t. Smart and funny, creative, kind. And happy. When we were little, he was so optimistic about life, it seemed impossible that even our father could beat it out of him.
“But he did, a little at a time. I could see it happening and I couldn’t do anything.”
“You were just a child, Sam.”
“We were both kids, Jackson. He sacrificed his…light, for me. And all I can think is that…I don’t deserve it. I haven’t done anything in my life to be worthy of what he’s given up for me.”
“Sam,” Jackson said on a sigh. “I’d argue that you’ve given up just as much for him, but that’s not really the point. I can’t tell you how to live your life, but I can tell you it isn’t over. There’s still time to have the life you want. You think you can’t leave him, that you owe him the rest of your life, but I promise you, he doesn’t want that. If you want my opinion, I think it’s likely that he’s carrying the same guilt you are. That he couldn’t protect you, that he’s not worthy of what you’ve given up.”
“How do I set him free?” she asked. It was the question she’d never been able to ask Jonas, the one she’d never been able to answer for herself.
“By being happy,” he answered.
She considered that. It seemed so simple, and yet… “I’m not sure I know how,” she admitted.
He lifted a hand and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I wish I could answer that for you,” he murmured. “But I have absolute faith that you’ll figure it out, and when you do…I’d love to hear from you. Maybe look up one day to find you walking into my classroom…”
She smiled. “You don’t sleep with your students,” she reminded him.
He chuckled. “I meant for a visit,” he said. “But if you decided to enroll, well, we’d both just have to suffer through the semester.”
She laughed. “Maybe you could let me observe for free, and I wouldn’t technically be a student.”
He was still smiling, but his eyes were serious as he regarded her. “I look forward to it,” he said.
She shifted toward him, and he met her kiss halfway. She rolled onto her back, pulling him with her, and he covered her body with his as he kissed her. His hand slid beneath her shirt, and her nipple hardened against his palm.
He lifted his head to look at her. “Will you spend the day with me?” he asked.
She studied his face for a few moments, noting his sincerity, his hope, and a touch of nervousness. “Yes,” she said. Kiss me again, she thought, amazed that she wasn’t tired of his lips, yet. Smiling, as though reading her mind, he touched his mouth to hers.
  “Is it true that Ida Mae and the Angels haven’t been paid in months?”
“Jonas, I—”
“Is it true, Sam?”
“I told you I was worried,” she said, feeling defensive. “But you didn’t want to listen.”
Jonas nodded. She expected him to argue, to point out the fact that she’d never told him just how bad their financial situation had gotten, but he didn’t. “I know,” he said instead. “And I’m sorry. You’ve been carrying a weight that wasn’t yours. But that ends now.”
His words, and his obvious resolve, filled her with apprehension. “What are you saying?” she asked.
“You’ve been running the show for years, Sam. And all I’ve done is make your job harder. But—”
“No, Jonas,” she said, grabbing his arm. “You’re wrong. You are the show. You’re the one people come to see, you’re the one who’s kept everything together. Kept us together. You saved us, over and over again, and I started to take it for granted that you—that you always do whatever it takes. You always come through for us, for the Angels, for the show. I took it for granted and I’ve let you give up too—no, I’ve asked you for too much, and you never say no.”
He smiled. “I say no to you all the time, sis, you just don’t listen.”
“No,” she stressed, squeezing his arm. “You drag your feet and complain and put up token resistance and then you do it, you do everything, you chip off pieces of yourself and fling them to the crowd. And the rest of us? We just tag along, living off your sacrifice.”
“You’re giving me too much credit.”
“No, you’re not giving yourself enough,” she countered. “Jonas, you think you sold your soul. But you didn’t. I sold it, or at least brokered the deal. This isn’t the person I want to be,” she said, spreading her arms. “I tried to force you to convince a kid that you could heal him and I tried to convince myself that it was justifiable because it was for the greater good. That the possible trauma to an already traumatized kid was an…acceptable risk. And you balked. And I…I would’ve done it anyway. I would’ve forced you into it because that’s what I do, isn’t it? I let you do all the feeling, all the caring, and I just…take care of business.
“I don’t let myself get emotional, right? I met somebody I actually liked and I didn’t even know what to do because it’s been so long.” She saw Jonas’s gaze shift toward Jackson, who was at the other end of the tent talking into his phone. “And something happened between you and the sheriff, something more than just sex, you can’t tell me otherwise. We deserve to be happy, Jonas.”
Jonas caught Ida Mae’s eye and motioned her over. When the older woman had joined them, Jonas put a hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye. “I want you to know that you—both of you, and the Angels—have been my salvation, you two especially have kept me going through some dark times. Ida Mae, I will make it right, I give you my word.”
She patted his arm. “We never doubted you, my boy,” she said with a smile.
“I will take care of it,” he told Sam.
His sister shook her head. “Jonas, you’re not listening—”
“No, Sam, I am listening,” he said, quietly. “I’m hearing you, I promise. You two have stuck with me, and I love you for it. I just need you to trust me a little bit longer.”
“Son, you know I’m with you to the end,” Ida Mae said. Jonas bent forward and kissed her cheek, giving her a hug. Then he looked at Sam.
“Promise me you’ll be okay, Jonas,” his sister said.
He smiled. “I promise. We’ll be okay,” he answered.
“I’ll do whatever you think is best,” Sam said after a few moments of silence.
  When Jonas walked onto the stage with his guitar, a hush fell over the crowd. Sam could see a ripple of confusion pass through the audience, saw people exchanging glances. She saw her brother look at the sheriff for just a moment before quickly looking away. He looked at the kid in the wheelchair, up front near the stage. The boy offered Jonas a smile of encouragement, and in that moment, Sam knew that Jonas would give up everything—his very life—to be able to help Jake.
He believes in you, Jonas, she thought. There’s still a chance.
The Angels were on their marks, but they were silent. Jonas walked to the middle of the stage.
“Jonas?” Sam asked, softly, into her mic. He looked over at her and nodded.
Jonas faced the audience and started playing. Sam felt Jackson squeeze her hand, and she looked over at him, grateful for his presence.
Jonas started pacing as he played Pachelbel’s “Canon in D” on the guitar. The audience was silent, still not sure what to think. It wasn’t gospel music, and it wasn’t what they’d expected, but it was a song that Sam knew had always soothed him. It was difficult to play on guitar, and he’d never performed it on stage before. He seemed to play it effortlessly, though. He walked the stage, scanning the audience, meeting their eyes, reading their desperation.
He transitioned from Pachelbel into “Rise Up,” and the Angels, led by Ida Mae, started singing a subdued version of the song. He walked back to his spot on the center of the stage.
“My name is Jonas Nightingale,” he said, his gaze skimming the faces. Some were familiar, the citizens of Sweetwater; others were new. “But that wasn’t always the case,” he continued, and another murmur passed through the audience. “Who here has read Romeo and Juliet?” he asked. He nodded as half the audience members raised their hands. “The nightingale didn’t bring good fortune, did it?” He smiled as a nervous titter of laughter rippled through the tent. He ran his fingers over the strings of his guitar, gathering his thoughts. “I chose the name because all I ever wanted to do was sing. My father was less than encouraging of that dream. But my sister, Sam,” he said, turning to look at her with a gesture of his chin, “she always believed in me. She told me once, when I was nine and she was seven, that God was going to send a whale to rescue us. She’d learned about Jonah in Sunday school—though she’d mixed up bits of it with Pinocchio, I think,” he added, winking at Sam as the audience laughed again.
She could do nothing but watch him, mesmerized, as she held Jackson’s hand in a deathgrip.
Jonas looked at the crowd. “I was sitting in my closet with a broken arm and a bloody nose, gifts from our father, and I told my little sister that there was no such thing as God, and that no one was coming to rescue us. I looked her in the face, and I told her to grow up and to stop believing in fantasies. I was cruel, because I was hurt.” He paused, and the silence in the tent was tangible. “And my sister put her arms around me, and she said something that I will never forget.”
“Jonas,” Sam breathed, as tears burned her eyes at the memory of his pain.
“She said, ‘then you save me and I’ll save you.’ I dropped out of school to go to work after our parents died, determined to make sure she graduated even though she was a pain in the ass about it,” he said, and she laughed, glancing at Jackson with a shrug and a nod. “So I was working, scraping pennies together wherever I could, and our local preacher asked me to sing at the church picnic. I didn’t get why he’d ask, I was a sullen little heathen who hadn’t stepped inside the church in years, but I wanted to sing. I memorized some gospel, and I memorized some scripture, and I got up there in front of all those patrons in their Sunday best, me in a ratty old suit of my father’s that was too big, and I put on a show, by God. I was angry about it, at the start. And then something changed.
“People were smiling, and I started to suck up their energy like a sponge. Aside from Sam, I don’t think I’d ever made anyone happy in my life. Now, someone had put out a bucket for donations. The very idea of charity made my fists clench, but Sam told me it wasn’t charity. It was payment for my performance. She called me a prophet for profit.” He paused, cocking an eyebrow at the crowd. “Get it?” he asked, and he was answered with nods and some laughter. “Jonah, Jonas. Prophet,” he said, shrugging a shoulder. “Nightingale. I think you can follow the logic of the boy I was.”
He paused again, running his fingers absentmindedly over the guitar strings.
He glanced over at Sam, and she knew what he wanted.
“D-three,” she said, quietly. “Dry well.”
Jonas looked at the third seat in the section marked D. He walked toward the edge of the stage and hopped down, swinging his guitar to his back. “When Sam was a senior in high school, our well went dry,” he told the young woman. “We didn’t have a drought to worry about like you folks, but we couldn’t afford even basic repairs on the house, let alone the thousands of dollars the well-driller quoted us. I was hauling water from the creek for bathwater, and we were boiling it to drink.
“And then one day Sam came running into the store where I was working to tell me that they were out at the house drilling. By the time I got there, it was too late to stop them, and I panicked, because I had no way to pay for the work. One of the workers tried to calm me down, and I punched him in the face. He was about twice my size and promptly knocked me on my ass—more out of surprise than anything else. He could’ve squashed me like a bug. Even so, I jumped up ready to fight.
“It was the preacher who grabbed me and pulled me back. He’d stopped by to tell me that the church had taken up a collection to pay for our well.” Sam could see the tears shimmering in the young woman’s eyes as Jonas put a hand on her shoulder. “I know you feel guilty about all the help that you’ve been getting from your friends and neighbors…”
“Florence,” Sam said.
“Florence, but ask yourself this: if your roles were reversed, would you hesitate to help?” She shook her head, and Jonas continued, “The rain will come, I promise you. You will get back on your feet. I know it feels hopeless. I used to lie on my bed, staring at my ceiling, my stomach full of knots and acid, unsure how I’d provide our next meal or pay the following month’s electric bill. But someone told me that when you feel like you’re drowning, there’s usually someone willing to throw you a lifeline if you look around. You just have to be willing to take it.” He straightened and looked at the sheriff again.
“A-fourteen,” Sam said. “Alcoholic.”
Jonas walked over to the man, who looked up at him apprehensively. “When I was nineteen, I stole a twelve-pack of Pabst from the gas station. It was easy. The attendant was in his seventies and more likely to fall asleep behind the counter than not. I used to steal cigarettes because there was no way I could afford to buy them.
“Anyway, I got hammered, and I was wandering around town, and someone offered me a ride. The preacher’s wife—the same preacher who’d let me perform at that picnic, who’d organized a fund for our well. His wife drove me onto a two-track a mile from my house, and we had sex in her car. I was so drunk that I barely remembered it in the morning, but I remembered enough.
“She was more than twice my age, but I knew that I was responsible. I’d made the choices that led to that road. And I couldn’t confess, because I wanted to protect her. I wanted to protect her husband. And I wanted to protect myself. So I just let it eat away at me, and I drank more and more until I got caught stealing a bottle of vodka from the station. I spent the night in jail, and it was the preacher who picked me up in the morning.
“He knew already. I don’t know if she’d told him or if he’d just guessed, but he knew. And do you know what he did? He forgave me. He told me that we don’t have to be defined by our poor choices, that there’s always time for redemption if we’re willing to work for it.
“I’ve found myself in ditches, in strangers’ beds, in jail, even passed out beneath a church pew. It always starts the same. I feel like I’m drowning, or suffocating, like there’s no way out of the hole I’m in and the sides are caving in on me, and all I want is to shut off my traitorous mind for a few minutes, just to get some relief. The bottle helps for a bit, doesn’t it? But it’s a false prophet, my brother, and you know as well as I do that it solves nothing.
“That preacher forgiving me didn’t solve anything, either. All that did was add to my guilt. Confessing our sins is the first step toward redemption—”
“Harold,” Sam said.
“Harold, but the final step is forgiveness. Not from others, but from ourselves. We have to accept that our transgressions are a part of us, but they are not all that we are. The world can seem hopeless, but I promise you that the alcohol makes it worse. Things aren’t as bleak as they seem from the bottom of the bottle. Ask for help and you shall receive it.”
Jonas turned, adjusting his guitar. Sam said, “C-seven. Cheating on his wife. His name’s Scott.”
Jonas took a breath as he approached the man. “I won’t lie, Scott,” he said. “I’ve slept with married women, and men. I told myself it wasn’t that big a deal because they were clearly unhappy in their marriages. I tried not to think about their spouses, and how they would feel. I tried not to think of each and every one of them as that preacher. But they deserved better, and your beautiful wife here deserves better. You can change, Scott, and maybe she’ll forgive you. But you,” he said, turning to the young woman.
“Janie.”
“You deserve better, Janie,” he said. “Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you with respect. Don’t settle for someone like me.”
“At least you weren’t married!” someone called out, and Jonas lifted his head, holding up a hand.
“No, I wasn’t married,” he said, “but I was still hurting people. Qualifications are dangerous, my friend, because we start to give ourselves permission to put our own desires ahead of everyone else’s.”
Sam gave him another seat, and Jonas turned in that direction.
For the next hour, he traveled through the crowd, confessing his sins, admitting his moments of weakness and despair. There were more and more heckles from the crowd as many of the people grew restless and irritable. This wasn’t what they’d come to see.
Jonas turned and walked onto the stage. He faced the crowd and waited while they grumbled amongst themselves. Finally, they began to quiet, their curiosity getting the best of them.
“I can’t offer you a miracle,” Jonas said, and there were a few angry shouts. Jonas paused. “I’m not even sure I believe in miracles,” he continued.
“You’re a fraud!” someone shouted.
Sam’s stomach clenched. She was afraid for him. She wanted to protect him, because she knew that their words had the power to hurt him.
“Yes,” Jonas agreed.
“No!” Jake shouted, and Sam looked toward him, surprised. The boy wheeled his chair forward and faced the crowd. “You’re not listening!” he told them. “He’s talking about life! Don’t you get it? Life is a miracle!” Sam could tell by her brother’s expression that it was something he and the boy had discussed. “We’re all alive!” Jake said.
Sam saw Jonas glance upward at the sound of thunder outside. There’d been several short, dry thunderstorms since they’d been in Sweetwater, and no one seemed to pay any attention to this rumble. Except Jonas. Sam could see something else on his face, something like hope.
“Jake,” he said, and the boy turned to look at him.
“You came to save us, Jonas,” Jake said.
Jonas shook his head. “No, son,” he answered. “They’re right, I’m a fraud. But it ends tonight.” He looked out at the crowd. “These Angels behind me have stuck with me when I didn’t deserve it. My sister has given up her own dreams so that I could stand on a stage each weekend. I’ve lied, robbed, cheated—Everyone here has sinned in some way, small or large, but you’re not alone. I’ve committed more sins than all of you. Tonight is about atonement. It’ll take me longer than one night to pay them back, but for the rest of you, you’ll notice the baskets at the ends of these aisles? That’s all the money that’s been collected from the citizens of Sweetwater. I trust you’ll take what you gave.
“As for those of you we owe money,” he said, nodding toward the garage owner seated in the front row, “you will be paid. Over the next week, I’ll be liquidating my assets to pay my debts. If you don’t want to wait, I have a title I’ll sign over—”
“Jonas,” Sam said. He looked over at her and offered a small smile.
“I only ever wanted to make people happy,” he said. “I wanted to sing, I wanted to make people smile, and I wanted to make my sister proud.” He looked at the crowd. “You have no reason to believe me, but I want you all to be happy. If I could, I would—”
“No,” Jake repeated, and Jonas looked down as the boy rolled himself over the nearest basket. “You came to save us, Jonas!” he repeated. “I believe in you, you just have to believe in yourself.” The boy shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out a crumpled wad of dollar bills and change, dropping the whole mess into the collection.
There was a loud clap of thunder, and Sam saw more people looking up at the tent, now.
“You said, music is life and life is magic and we just have to listen and believe. Well, I do,” Jake said.
“Jake,” Jonas said, and Sam could hear the rawness in his voice. He stepped toward the edge of the stage but stopped when Florence, the young woman with the dry well, got to her feet and walked to Jake’s side.
“I believe that everyone deserves a lifeline,” she said, dropping money into the basket. She ruffled Jake’s hair, and the boy smiled up at her, his relief evident. She looked up at Jonas. “And new beginnings,” she added.
One by one, people started rising and making their way to the baskets, dropping money into the collections. Jonas took a step backward, and then another. He looked at the sheriff as the man walked over to stand beside his son.
Sam felt like her heart was going to explode in her chest.
She saw people looking around at each other, and looking up, and she suddenly realized that the pounding sound wasn’t just her heart. It was rain, beating against the tent. She called her brother’s name, but he didn’t seem to hear her. The crowd surged toward the exit, and Jonas watched as the sheriff took hold of Jake’s chair and wheeled him into the crowd, calling to his deputies to make sure people stayed calm as they tried to get outside.
The Angels filed off the stage, also headed outside. Jonas looked over at Sam as she and Jackson walked onto the stage.
“Rain, Jonas,” she said, unnecessarily. “Come on.” She reached for his hand, but he stepped back, pulling his guitar strap over his head.
“You go,” he told her. “I’ll be right behind you.”
“Jonas—”
“I’ll be right out, I promise,” he said, turning to set his guitar on the stage.
She hesitated, but Jackson’s hand was light at the small of her back, and he offered her a smile when she glanced at him. She let him walk her toward the exit flap, following the crowd, and they stepped out into the pouring rain. She turned her face up into the wetness, laughing in disbelief. Jackson’s arm went around her shoulders, and he pulled her close to kiss her temple. She turned toward him, pressing her wet lips against his, clutching the front of his soaked shirt.
She knew by the reaction of the crowd that Jonas had stepped outside, and she turned toward him as people spread apart to let him pass.  
Jonas walked over to the boy’s chair. Jake looked at him, still smiling, and Jonas lowered himself into a crouch. Sam suddenly realized what he was doing, and her heart leapt into her throat. She held tightly to Jackson, thinking, Please, please. He needs this—they need this, please.
“Jake,” Jonas said. “It’s time.”
The boy’s smile faltered. His hair was plastered to his forehead; rain dripped from his face. He shook his head. His chin trembled. “I can’t,” he said.
“You’ve punished yourself long enough,” Jonas said. “Look at me, son. You were wrong, I wasn’t sent here for the rain, Jake. I was sent here for you. To tell you it’s time.”
Jake stared up at him, and Sam could see the kid’s fear. But she could see the faith. The belief and hope. She’d told Jonas that Jake believed in him, and it was true. She was still terrified as she walked over to her brother’s side.
“Jonas,” she said, and he looked up at her. She shook her head. “You don’t have to do this,” she told him. If it didn’t work, he would lose everything of himself. She didn’t think he would ever recover.
“Yes,” he answered. His gaze cut toward the sheriff. “I do.” The sheriff started forward, but he was too far away to make it through the crowd in time. Jonas looked at Jake and said the boy’s name.
Jake swallowed, and gave a little nod. “Get me up, Jonas,” he said, quietly. All around them, people had begun to quiet and were turning toward the boy. Under the drumbeat of the rain, a hush spread through the crowd.
Jonas reached an arm behind Jake’s back, grabbing him under his arms. Sam was holding the chair to keep it steady; Jackson was beside her, a hand on her shoulder. Through the rain, she heard the sheriff call Jonas’s name.
Jonas lifted Jake to his feet and held him up, seeming to support all of his weight. The sheriff stopped at the edge of the crowd, and Jonas closed his eyes against the reluctant hope shining in the other man’s gaze.
With his eyes closed, Jonas said, “You can do this, Jake. Have faith.”
Please, Sam thought again. If you’re up there, if you’re listening, please help him.
“Jonas,” Jake said. “Let me go.”
Jonas opened his eyes and slowly lowered his hands, holding his breath. Sam wasn’t breathing, either. Jake looked at his father and stepped toward him. His knees started to buckle, and the sheriff started forward, but Jonas and Jackson grabbed Jake’s arms before he could fall.
The boy straightened his legs and lifted his chin. “Let me go,” he repeated, and Jonas and Jackson exchanged a look through the wet darkness. They pulled their hands back, and Jake stepped forward, slowly. He paused, and then took another step. The grass was slick from the rain, but his footing held. He took another step, and then his father, unable to wait any longer, met him halfway and grabbed him in a hug, lifting his feet off the ground as he kissed his son’s neck.
Jonas sank to his knees on the ground, dropping his chin to his chest. Sam felt hot tears on her cheeks, mingling with the rain. She put her hand on her brother’s head. He drew a deep, shaky breath and opened his eyes.
The sheriff was standing in front of him. Jonas’s eyes slid up to his, and he swallowed. The sheriff took his hand and hauled him to his feet, and Sam could see the emotions stamped on her brother’s face.
He pulled his hand from Sonny’s grasp and said, quietly, “I need to go.”
“Jonas,” the sheriff said as Jonas turned away. He grabbed Jonas’s arm, pulling him back around. “No more walking away,” he said. He slid his hand into Jonas’s dripping hair and bent forward, kissing him.
Sam turned toward Jackson, but Jackson was no longer beside her. She frowned, looking around, peering through the rain, but she couldn’t find him in the crowd. She glanced at her brother. He didn’t need her now.
She made her way through the throng of celebrating people, and still there was no sign of Jackson. He can’t be gone, she thought. Not without a goodbye. She didn’t like the painful tightness in her chest or the lump in her throat.
She clenched her jaw, forcing back her tears. If he was gone, she wasn’t about to chase after him and beg him to spend more time with her. Maybe he needed time to process whatever had happened at the tent. Maybe he’d just decided it was time to leave. Either way, she had no intention of forcing her company onto him.
She turned toward the bus but had only taken a few steps before she stopped, cursing herself. She thought of his face, already familiar. His eyes, always full of kindness and good humor. His courage to be unflinchingly honest, even when facing the possibility of rejection.
He wouldn’t just leave with no explanation, she thought. Not Jackson. Sam didn’t trust very many people, but she trusted him, already.
She turned the other way and started through the rain.
When she reached the motel, his car was not parked in the lot. She walked up to the door with her stomach full of butterflies. He’d left it ajar, and she pushed it open, walking inside. The lamp was on, and there was a note beside it. His suitcase was gone, and everything in the room was neat and tidy. He’d made the bed even though the housekeepers would have to strip the sheets, anyway.
Sam picked up the note by the corner, trying not to get it too wet as she stood, dripping on the carpet.
 Sam,
Given half a chance, I would beg you to come home with me. I know that’s not fair. You barely know me. What’s more, you deserve above all else to be happy, and you need to decide for yourself what will do that. I hope with all my heart to see you again, but if I don’t, please know that I will never forget you.
Everyone deserves a new beginning, Sam. Like the kid said, life is a miracle.
Meeting you was a miracle, too.
Please be well. Please be happy.
 Yours,
Jackson
 She stared at the signature for a long time as her clothes made a puddle on the thin carpet. Yours, Jackson.
There was a business card with the note. Jackson Neill, PhD was printed on the front, along with Professor of New American Religions.
His classroom and phone number were written on the back.
She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and nodded once. “Okay,” she said, and she felt the knots in her stomach loosening.
  Jackson Neill looked up from his desk, and his lips parted in surprise.
Sam stood in the doorway, watching as the corners of his eyes crinkled, as his mouth curved into a smile. His happiness to see her—unmistakable and unadulterated—soothed the butterflies in her stomach, and she found herself smiling in return.
He put his palms on the desk and started to rise, but she held up a hand, stopping him. He sank back into his chair, his eyes tracking her as she walked toward him.
She’d been nervous, after not seeing him for weeks, afraid that she’d somehow imagined the connection they’d shared. One look at his face, however, had dispelled those worries. She stopped at his desk, holding his gaze.
“Professor Neill,” she said.
“Ms…?”
“Nightingale,” she answered. She’d decided to leave her father’s name behind for good. “You can call me Sam.”
“What can I do for you, Sam?” he asked, and his soft voice was like a caress.
“I was told I might be able to observe your class,” she said. “Does that offer still hold?”
“For as long as you’re in town,” he answered, searching her face.
“That might be a while,” she said. “I enrolled this morning. Figured I’d ease into the whole higher education thing.”
“Not my class?” he asked.
She put her knuckles on the desk and leaned forward. “No. I was afraid there might be a conflict of interests.”
“How’s that?” he asked, and she could see the amusement sparkling in his eyes.
“I was hoping I could convince you to have dinner with me.”
“Are you asking me out on a date, Ms. Nightingale?”
“Yes.”
“Then I accept your invitation, with what I hope is not an indecent level of eagerness.”
She grinned at him. “I missed you,” she admitted.
He leaned forward, and she pressed her lips against his. When he pulled back to look at her, he said, “I’ve missed you, too, Sam.”
“Sorry it took me so long. I had things to take care of,” she answered.
He shook his head. “You’re right on time,” he said.
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