I'm a cryptid in Stardew valley. I live on the outskirts of town. I disappear for days on end, purchasing daily one-way tickets to the calico desert. Nobody knows where I go while I'm there. Can occasionally be found fishing at random spots throughout town. I am never not running on at least one triple shot espresso. I take the abandoned minecarts to get around and am frequently seen disappearing into the sewers. I carry a sword for some reason. Once every week or two I will stride into your bedroom to deliver you your favorite meal. I'm a self-made millionaire. I attend all the town events and will go to your concert in the next town over. I have donated approximately 2583 items to the local museum and singlehandedly revitalized the town community center. There are rumors I can talk to junimos. I'm friends with the local wizard
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"Dude," Steve says, pressing on his eyes because he feels like he's about to cry. "What the fuck."
"What?" Dustin squeaks, alarmed. "What? Steve, you're freaking me out!"
"Good!" Because Steve just worked eighteen hours and it's past midnight and he got thrown up on twice and there was a bed pan incident and even though he showered at the hospital he probably smells awful and it rained and he lost his keys so he had to take the bus and he's sweaty and tired and wet and cold and Dustin's DnD friend is hot. "I can't believe you'd do this to me!" Okay, maybe Steve's feeling a little delirious.
"Do what??" Dustin is full on shrieking right now. His hot friend is standing in their apartment looking more and more worried and hot.
"You didn't tell me he was hot!"
The expressions that go across Dustin's face is impressive, before they stop and he settles on a flat glare. "Seriously??"
Hot guy is now blushing and Steve will collapse if he doesn't keep with the righteous fury.
"I've been TRYING to get you two to meet for months now!"
"You didn't tell me he was hot, though! Dustin!!"
"I don't know what guys are hot, Steve!" Dustin says indignantly. "I thought you didn't like nerds!"
"Dustin!"
"Um," says hot guy. He looks like he's panicking.
Dustin's face changes again. "Oh, no. Oh, no, you're right."
"All this time!" Steve says and he really is close to tears. "You've been nagging on me all this time to find my soulmate, and you had the perfect guy right here?? You had him in my home??? Dustin!"
"Whoa," whispers hot guy.
"I'm sorry," Dustin wails now, just as distraught. "You love nerds, all your favorite people are nerds, I don't know what I was thinking, oh my god!" He whirls on hot guy. "Eddie, give Steve your number right now!"
"Okay," says hot guy Eddie, immediately. His face is super red and his eyes are wide, and he looks scared out of his mind as he fumbles his pocket for his phone. "Yeah-Yep-Absolutely. This is a thing that's happening."
Steve, tears burning in his eyes, watches as Dustin punches his number into Eddie's phone. "Okay," he says a little nasally, wiping quickly at his face. "Okay, I'm going to shower and then sleep for two days, and then pretend like this never happened so I can look hot guy in the eye when he asks me on a date. Sound good?"
"Sounds great!" Dustin says, all cheery now. Behind him, still looking vaguely scared for his life, hot guy gives him a shaky thumbs up.
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anthony j. crowley really is the character ever. he's the snake of eden. he's millions of years old. he can stop time. he likes to feed ducks. his vintage car is cursed to forever play queen. he invented the selfie. he drinks six shots of espresso straight. he lied about starting the spanish inquisition and they believed him. he lost the fucking antichrist. she's genderfluid.
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