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sparkysxi · 10 months

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Signora's Coffin is from the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor

here you guys go, the glorious harbinger crackfic that I've been sitting on since winter nights lazzo came out and haven't posted.

ao3 link (see for tags): https://archiveofourown.org/works/49167907

word count: 3k

Summary: Childe has the worst day of his life on a field trip to Wangsheng Funeral parlor with the rest of the Harbingers.

Childe wasn’t entirely sure how’d the others would react to…this.

He could only stare at the remains of the fallen Signora and the packaging that they had been stuffed in by Tenshukaku. It was a long boat ride home, but the Tsaritsa wanted her beloved Signora returned home for a proper burial, and since there hadn’t been much in terms of leads on Scaramouche-the bastard-he could be dispatched to escort a fellow warrior to her final resting place. Of all the other Harbingers, he at least considered Signora to be loyal to the Tsaritsa alone as well.

What a mess.

His attendants tried desperately to convince him to at least place her in an urn to present to Pierro, but Childe knew that Pierro would want to see the sorry state of…this. He carried her within his hand, trying to quell the bloodlust within him. How dare-well, the Shogun was a goddess, perhaps this is just what she thought. But the Fatui deserved to know of slights and insults against them to retaliate accordingly.

Childe knocked on the door to Pierro’s office. A small woman, Pierro’s secretary of sorts, opened the door, and let him in.

“I’ve got her.”

Pierro turned from the chessboard he had been staring at, and Childe recognized Zhongli’s-no, Morax’s-gnosis, as well as one that must’ve been Barbatos’. It was awfully garish compared to Morax’s.

He turned his attention back to Pierro, trying to keep his calm in the face of his leader, and held out the cloth bag, basically scrap fabric hastily stitched together, with a small tag on it, reading “Talk shit get obliterated -Ei”.

Pierro’s eyes narrowed. “How dare that pompous little bitch!” He roared, taking the bag. “Look at this!” He turned to Childe, “Did you order a counter attack?”

“I’d rather not be in a second bag, sir.”

Pierro seemingly growled at him, causing Childe’s anxiety to spike. Pierro took a deep breath, calming himself. He muttered something under his breath in a language long forgotten, then looked at Childe again. “You did the right thing, to show me the transgression. Our forces in Inazuma have been considerably weakened with the loss of their Harbinger and the resolution of the Inazuman conflict.”

Childe nodded, keeping his eyes steadily on Pierro, who gently set the bag down and ripped away the offending tag and threw it into the fire. “Aleksandra,” he called to his secretary. She came over, and took the bag. “Please find her a suitable place somewhere while we procure a far more respectful…final place.”

Aleksandra nodded and disappeared. Pierro looked to Childe. “Come, Tartaglia. We must gather the Harbingers.”

Looking over a side of the ship they were on, Liyue Harbor in the distance, Childe had to remind himself that coming here was his idea, somehow.

Pierro had asked where they could get the best coffins possible in Teyvat, and well, Childe had but one recommendation.

And thus began what Arlecchino had insisted on calling “Operation Giftbox”. Not the worst name for an op, especially by Arlecchino standards (including such hits as Operation Super Awesome Cool Murder and Operation Ruin Your Fuckin Day, Bitch). The boat docked with a small jolt, and Childe descended the stairs to the lower decks to check on the others.

As he had been the only Harbinger in Liyue mostly, he didn’t have to worry about disguising himself (wasn’t his style anyway), but Pulcinella had mentioned how weird it would be if all nine remaining Harbingers showed up in Liyue Harbor (and would likely be taken rather badly by locals).

So disguises for everyone else, which seemed to include a number of overly unnecessary items, large pairs of sunglasses, face masks, and rather gaudy vacation clothing.

“Stick to the story,” Pantalone said, pulling on a pair of white gloves and a gauzy shawl, “We’re merely merchants from Snezhnaya procuring a little something for a high-profile client. It’s close enough to the truth that even you might remember it,” He finished that last sentence with a condescending chuckle.

“Funny,” Childe said dryly, before wincing at Capitano’s look. He had opted for the full tourist: obnoxiously patterned shirt and khakis.

“What?” Capitano asked, pulling his hair up to tuck underneath the large wide-brimmed hat he wore, that Childe could not figure out for the life of him where he had procured.

“We’re supposed to blend in,” Childe said dryly.

“And? Am I not allowed to sightsee? I’ve been in Natlan and Mondstadt for so long, I want to travel farther!” Capitano whined a little.

Childe opened his mouth to speak, but Pierro placed a hand on his shoulder. “Just try not to draw attention any further than you have to,” he said. Childe nodded, before his eyes bulged out of his head at Pierro’s look, with long pants, and short sleeved coat over a plain shirt, and a fanny pack clearly full of supplies at his hips.

“Do I have to leave him?” Sandrone whined as her robot butler gently set her in her wheelchair, making sad little beeps about leaving his mistress behind. Thankfully Sandrone had enough sense to wear a simple light sundress, but had a Kamera slung around her neck.

“He’s far too large to fit anywhere in Liyue,” Pierro said, “He’ll have to stay on the boat.”

Dottore sighed dramatically, “If only you’d have-“

“Keep your filthy fudging hands off of my machines,” Sandrone hissed.

Childe suddenly realized why they didn’t meet up all that often.

They were escorted off the boat and taken up to the main harbor from the docks, where the attendant bowed and left. Childe looked around, and noticed a few Milelith officers standing nearby, trying to look inconspicuous. One accidentally made eye contact with him. He smirked and waved as they snapped their eyes away, blushing.

He chuckled and turned to the others, who were all staring at him intently.

“Are you going to flirt all day, or take us to this Wangsheng Funeral place?” Columbina asked.

“Oh!” Childe pretended to not suddenly realize that they were waiting on him to take the lead, “We’ll get there soon enough, it’s not far! I just thought you needed a minute to do…whatever.” He waved his hand dismissively. Good save, Childe. “But if you insist,” he sighed, sticking his hands in his pockets and turning. “We can get going.”

The walk to Wangsheng Funeral Parlor was one Childe knew well, and it took just a few minutes maybe, but this time it felt like it took a lifetime with the way that people were staring at him and his odd companions. He supposed he couldn’t blame them, outlanders regardless of clothing usually got stared at, but this was so much worse. He almost felt as though he could die from embarrassment in the street, and it took all of his training and will to keep his face a perfect mask of cheerful indifference.

He expected a nice little bonus for this. He wasn’t going to get one, but it would be really nice.

“What interesting architecture,” Dottore commented, looking at the crossing walkways that led to the second story of the city, “They’re far more vertically inclined than horizontal, must have something to do with the influence of the mountains nearby.”

“It’s cramped,” Arlecchino said. “That’s what you’re saying.” They did look rather uncomfortable, after all. Even in the fairly wide street.

“It’s not cramped,” Pantalone said. “Here at least. Horizontal land purchases are far more expensive here,” he said more to himself than anyone else. “As the city has been developed for a thousand years, now they find it easier to expand up than out.” If his eyes were open, they would’ve been glittering. “Air rights should be fairly cheap….bank could loan…yes yes,” he smiled dangerously.

Childe felt pretty glad that his main driving force in life was battle, not money.

Eventually they managed to get to Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, tucked in the back in the northern half of the city. “Here it is,” Childe said.

“Awfully quiet place here,” Pulcinella said. “Is there anyone inside?”

Childe shrugged, and opened the door anyway. The lights were barely on, and slowly the Harbingers filed inside, looking around-canvassing for threats. Wangsheng Funeral Parlor may not conduct certain unsavory business anymore, but it didn’t do anything to discourage rumors, and certainly didn’t decorate in a far more comforting way.

Childe stepped closer to the counter. No one was hiding behind it, and nothing within the side office where Zhongli usually was, and the hallway behind the counter was dark. “Hello?” He called, looking around.

No response.

“Odd,” Pierro commented. He came up next to Childe, and scanned the little sign saying “Be back in a few!” With a small ghost waving. Childe recognized it as Hu Tao’s, the current and 77th Director of the Parlor, handwriting. “They appear to be on some sort of break.”

“Great,” Capitano flopped his body onto a nearby couch after parking Sandrone next to it. The couch creaked a little under his weight, and Childe really hoped that it wouldn’t snap and break like that one unfortunate stool in Snezhnaya’s favorite bar, the Polar Bear.

“Now what do we do?” Columbina asked, tilting her head in curiosity. “Will they get back soon?”

Childe snorted a laugh. “If Mr. Zhongli is out with the Director, definitely not.”

“Ah, yes, the same Mr. Zhongli you’ve been sugar daddying for recently?” Pantalone asked as he gracefully sat in a chair.

Everyone’s heads snapped towards Childe. He felt his neck get hot, and his face was flushing. He looked off to the side, laughing nervously. “Y-you can’t prove that.”

“Your bank accounts are under the Northland Bank, which is, as you may remember, my department,” Pantalone smiled in a saccharine sweet way. “So, knowing this, when you started spending in excess on a consistent basis, I inquired about the unusual charges. Turns out, this Mr. Zhongli has a most discerning eye for sparkly and shiny things, and you’ve been providing. You’ve also taken him to several dinners. It’s all in the account records. There’s a copy in the bank here, I can show you the ledger if-“

“Nope, not necessary, I get it,” Childe said, waving him off. He could only keep his face down, unable to look from the floor at the gossip-hungry looks of his coworkers.

“Childe, you should be far more careful about these things! My goodness, are you at least using protection?” Pulcinella asked.

If he had been drinking, Childe would’ve spit it out. “What?!” He snapped his head up, his eyes wide.

“You know I support you regardless of your preferences, but you still have to take precautions with escorts, male or female!” Pulcinella insisted. Several of the others nodded in agreement.

“Woah woah woah!” Childe put his hands up in defense. “I think there’s been a mistake or some sort of miscommunication here-“

“What’s been miscommunicated?” Columbina asked, “Sounds pretty straightforward to me.”

“Psst!” Capitano pretended to whisper across the room, “I don’t think he knows this Mr. Zhongli is an escort!” He lifted a hand to pretend to block Childe’s view from the finger he had pointed in the ginger’s direction, despite the fact that Columbina was quite literally next to Childe.

“Oh!” Columbina gasped. She turned to Childe, “Oh you poor thing…”

“I knew I should’ve talked to you before you left about these things,” Pulcinella lamented. “Now look what I’ve done!”

“Guys! Guys!” Childe waved his hands wildly, “Mr. Zhongli isn’t an escort!”

Capitano’s body slumped. “He doesn’t even know,” he threw an arm up in defeat.

“Tartaglia,” Pierro began, “An escort is-“

“I know what an escort is!” Childe cried. “Mr. Zhongli is a fucking consultant for this place!” He pointed to the office behind him. “That’s his office! He works here! Does this,” he spread his arms and gestured wildly, “look like the kind of place that an escort would work?!”

Everyone got very silent for a moment.

“So he’s a conman,” Arlecchino said.

“Have you gotten anything out of the relationship?” Dottore asked, “Specifically asking, have you had sex with him?”

“No!” Childe cried again, this time in exasperation. “He’s not a conman, and it’s not any of your business if I’ve had sex with him! He’s just a good friend!”

Sandrone spoke up, “Have you fought him in combat?”

It was Childe’s turn to fall silent. He never did get to spar with Zhongli, now that he thought of it.

“Oh honey,” Columbina said, placing her hand on his shoulder. “You’ve been scammed.”

“I didn’t get scammed,” Childe said, a little gruffly. “I just…he helped me with the mission I had here and taught me a lot…It didn’t matter to me what he wanted to buy, he always forgot his wallet anyway.”

He wouldn’t convince any of them, it was pretty clear to him. Columbina rubbed his arm comfortingly, and it was probably the most normal thing she’s ever done.

They were all quiet for a bit, and Pantalone had enough sense to look a little sheepish about the mess he had caused.

Childe sank to sit on the floor, the rest of the chairs and couches in the waiting room taken up by the others. Pierro continued to lean against the desk, looking to his watch. Dottore had found a magazine, and had taken a pen and was likely labeling all the parts of the model in the spread that he would “upgrade” and did a mini vivisection on one photo to be really thorough. Capitano had leaned his head against the wall, likely taking a brief nap. Arlecchino had balled themself up and was scratching at the threads on the couch arm. Sandrone had found a book on new embalming techniques and was busy speeding through it, while Pulcinella had found a magazine on coffin styles, and was actually bothering to do the task they had come here for.

The door opened after maybe thirty minutes, and the Harbingers all jumped as the fading daylight flooded the dim parlor. “Aiya! Were you all waiting long?” A familiar voice rang through the waiting room. Childe rose to his feet and Miss Hu Tao stood in the doorway with a bag of food from Wanmin Restaurant. Behind her was the imposing and elegant presence of Mr. Zhongli, also holding a Wanmin bag and a drink carrier with take out cups from Third-Round Knockout, a tavern Childe remembered with much irritation. Zhongli had managed to drink him under the table, a competition that Childe had thought, as a Snezhnayan native, he would’ve been a clear and obvious winner (he hadn’t been the only one, as many a grumbling gambler had had to hand over bags of mora to Zhongli, who looked far too smug when Childe was drunk.)

“Childe,” Zhongli said, hiding the surprise in his voice. “I didn’t realize you were in town.”

Childe was quiet for a few moments before Columbina kicked him gently. “Oh-oh yeah, I’m just escorting these guys,” he gestured, “They’re looking to procure a coffin for a high-profile client. I’m just the muscle,” he gave a signature grin.

“I hope it wasn’t your muscle that caused the need for our services,” Zhongli smirked, a joking lit to his voice as he walked to his office and set the food down. “Forgive me, we are technically on dinner break.”

“Oh please,” Hu Tao piped up. “Business is business, any time of day! And anything for your little boyfriend’s pals, hehe,” she teased, placing her food behind the counter.

Pantalone looked far too smug as Zhongli had a faint blush come to his cheeks. “Forgive her, she thinks that joke is funny.”

“Oh we don’t mind,” Arlecchino said, “We find it amusing too.”

Hu Tao flashed them a grin. “So are we just looking for a coffin, or would you like to engage in our funerary services as well today?”

Pierro straightened up, and gave her a small smile, “Oh no, the client’s family has insisted on doing all of the funeral planning themselves. They’ve merely contacted our firm in procurement of a coffin, that’s all the contract states.”

“Well, we’re certainly capable of working within the confines of a contract,” Zhongli said, passing off one of the take-out cups to Hu Tao, who nodded in assent.

“We should start with materials,” Hu Tao said, using her vision to light the lamps that led down the hallway, briefly disappearing into a room before returning with a slab, with various woods samples attached on, “I think the fir ones are lovely, personally, but sandalwood and maple are very popular this season-“

“Wood won’t do,” Pierro said.

Hu Tao tilted her head.

“In Snezhnaya, it’s far too cold for wood coffins. Far too cold to bury them, the ground is frozen solid,” Pierro continued. “Woods often splinter and break. Most Snezhnayan coffins are made of stone and lay on top of the floor in a mausoleum.”

Hu Tao only nodded, “I didn’t realize! My apologies,” she placed the sample board on the ground. “We can do stone, however they are all custom orders, which will take longer. Thankfully,” she looked to Zhongli, “We have a rock expert on our hands.”

A sort of look was exchanged between the disguised Harbingers and it took Childe everything he had left from this exhausting day to not roll his eyes. Not professional at all.

Zhongli coughed. “I’m nothing to gawk at, but I do know a fair amount, as Mr. Childe can attest to. But is there something specific we had in mind? Sizing is going to be integral to-“

Pierro slapped a piece of paper down, drawn from his fanny pack. “This is it. All the material guides, design, and dimensions.”

Zhongli took the paper, blinking a little, giving a slight judgemental side eye before looking it over. “And who is in charge of budget?”

Pantalone raised his hand far too quickly. “We have no budget. I’ve been given permission to use whatever funds necessary to get the project done.”

Hu Tao and Zhongli looked to one another, mora signs in their eyes.

Yep, they were going to get scammed.

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hiistoriiaa · 10 months

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Crossing Over

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Characters: Zhongli, Hu Tao, Xiao, mention of Guizhong. Canon compliant.

Tw: angst, death (but with a happy ending)

ao3 link here

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“Good morning, Director.”

“Good morning Zhongli!” The director cheered, waving to the older man who strolled through the doors. He said that every morning, and every morning, she responded with some version of a greeting. She tried to spice things up within his strict routine. Zhongli liked his routines …

She was good to him . He started working for her about ten years ago when she was just fifteen, when her grandfather was still alive. After he passed, Zhongli helped her plan the funeral, as she was too shaken to do it herself. He was good to her .

“A beautiful day, isn’t it?” he commented, opening the windows and letting a breeze in. It was a normal comment, yet it made Hu Tao feel uneasy. He hadn’t said that before. He usually walked in, made them both tea, and sat down in the little loveseat she had purchased for him when he started, and would read the paper.

“Uh, yeah..” she squinted at him, making a face. What was with him? She scrambled out of her chair and went to lean against the windowsill with him, looking at the harbor. He was right, it was a beautiful day. The clouds were few but fluffy and bright, the sky was a beautiful blue, and the crests of the ocean waves sparkled with sunlight. “It sure is. What makes ya say that? Are you not gonna go make tea and relax?” She nudged him playfully, looking up at him.

Hu Tao wasn’t stupid. She knew he didn’t age. She knew about adepti, about the mysterious traveler’s adventures, about the archons. She knew all those years ago that the geo archon wasn’t truly gone. She could feel it in her bones, that Liyue still had his spirit. But… she also wasn’t stupid . She could tell that her beloved employee was growing tired. Coughing. Walking with a cane. He was hanging on, just like Liyue was.

“Today, I believe I will observe what is good.” He said, looking down at her. His eyes were wise. That was another tell of who he was. “It is a special day, Director Tao. I believe you should appreciate it as well. Join me for a walk?” It was more of a statement than a question, and who was she to say no? Their schedule was clear, so she looped her arm with Zhongli’s before strolling out of the parlor, locking the door behind them.

He took a breath after a moment, surely preparing himself for the ramble he was about to make. “When I was young, I would stroll down these streets with the woman I loved. She loved this place, and taught me to as well. She passed away in my arms years ago, but she hasn’t been forgotten. Her light, her spirit… it lives on in Liyue.”

“I bet she was wonderful,” Hu Tao commented, patting Zhongli’s wrist. She wasn’t the best with affection sometimes, especially now since she was still feeling out what exactly was up with him today. “She was. She reminds me of you, in some ways. So adoring of human spirits.” Hu Tao hummed in response, smiling a little, wondering how many years ago he was speaking of.

“I met General Alatus later, and all of his family. He’s the last one. Please, keep care of him. He’s like a son to me. We protected this place, and I am so proud of what it turned into.” He strolled over the pond, up the stairs, over to a balcony that overlooked Liyue. It was beautiful, the sun still somewhat cool in comparison to the midday heat.

“Zhongli..” she turned to him, giving him a look. “Tell me what’s going on.” She said, placing her hand over his, meeting his eyes. They were pretty.. Deep.. intelligent.. The color of geo.

“Hu Tao,” he sighed, a small smile on his lips, “you know me quite well. I do not take it for granted. I have always felt comfortable around you, as I have known your family since they migrated to Liyue Harbor. I appreciate your dedication to the community, and all that you do for me. Letting me work for you… letting me spend time with you… paying me to do barely anything. You looked out for me in my eldest age. Thank you.”

At once, it hit her what he was talking about. Her heart sank to her stomach, her neck tightening up as she bit back her emotions, not wanting to interrupt his speech for long. She managed to get out, “It’s been my pleasure,” voice quieter and shakier than she intended it to be.

He chuckled, the warm sound putting her at ease. It didn’t erase the sorrow, but it felt nice. “I am sure you are aware of erosion. Of the cliffs, of history, of archons.” Zhongli looked out again, the sun lighting up his face. A memorable face, a familiar one. “I have been living with it for a long time now. It is tiring, I admit, but I go through the weeks knowing my days are worth living. Now, I do believe the fatigue has finally caught up to me. Hu Tao,” he paused, turning to her, “Would you cross over with me? To make sure I get there safely. With Guizhong. With my friends.”

She didn’t know what to say. She looked up at him, nodding a little. “Of course, Zhongli.” Hu Tao’s flowered eyes were overflowing with tears as she stepped forward, throwing her arms around him and hugging him tight, close to her. She hadn’t really thought about it, but he had occupied the hole in her heart that had formed when she lost her family. He kept an eye on her, made her laugh, and made sure she got home safely. She didn’t know what to do without him, really. In her mind, she had thought that he’d always be there, since she knew who he was. But, she knew death was a part of life. An inevitable one.

“You’ll be okay,” she assured him, voice muffled, tears most definitely leaving little wet spots on the nice suit he wore. “You’ll get there safely, okay?” She pulled back after a moment of embracing each other, looking up at him. He wasn’t scared. He was ready. It was his time, and somehow, she felt that too (even though she didn't want to feel it).

“I will be. Like I said, Guizhong isn’t really gone. I won’t really be gone, either.” He assured her, sitting down. He struggled a little to sit on the ground, his expression frustrated for a moment. Not as spry as he used to be, chucking mountains and meteors at enemies. Age isn’t forgiving. Time isn’t either.

She sat down next to him, getting comfortable as he did, his back resting against a rock. “Are you comfortable?” she asked, to which he nodded, a little smile on his face, giving her a look that said no need to fret over me . “Can you hold my hand?” Hu Tao asked, reaching out, lacing their fingers together, her rings catching on his glove a little bit. “Okay. I know you’re.. Different, so just.. When you’re ready, you can let go. I’ll be there, okay?”

He sighed deeply, the tension in his shoulders releasing as his eyes fluttered closed, the gentle expression on his face not leaving. He seemed content, so Hu Tao followed, eyes closing, squeezing his hand. When they opened, they were in a different realm. There were trees with orange leaves bordering a path paved with rocks and little plants. It was so welcoming.

Everyone’s paths to the other side were different. She had seen different regions, different settings, different weather, everything. This place felt almost magical, maybe because it was for an archon. “How are you feeling?” she asked, looking over at him. He didn’t look like his old, human self. He looked like Morax, the one she had seen in textbooks, who was sitting still as stone on top of statues of the seven. All her suspicions were instantly confirmed, shocked at the god in front of her.

“Divine.” he responded, heading towards the path. He knew what he had to do, where to go. There wasn’t really anywhere else to go. She looked down at their hands, still linked. She’d hate to let go.

“I’m glad.” she said, walking with him. “You know, I wanted to thank you again. For looking after me, too. It went both ways, with us. I’ll never forget you, Zhongli.”

They met the end of the road far too soon for her liking. Hu Tao kicked her shoe in the dirt, procrastinating for just a bit more time with the man. “I’m about to let go. Are you ready?”

Zhongli.. Morax… nodded his head once, the same expression adorning his features. Content. He paused, looking at the light for a moment before looking back at her. “Be well, Hu Tao.”

His hand dropped.

The director opened her eyes, seeing the suit he wore and kept so tidy sitting in a pile of sand, pebbles, and dust. This must be the gods' erosion, she realized. She wasn't sure exactly what to do next. She picked up his suit and shook the dirt out of it, laying it over her arm. Then, she scooped up a handful and held it carefully within her hands, not wanting the wind to blow any away. She trekked back to the funeral parlor, extremely aware of just how alone she was. How she’d walk back into the building and not smell the tea he’d made, but only the breeze of the harbor from the open window.

He wasn't really gone.

A few days later, she called for Xiao. He showed up like he always did. He knew already. She eyed him over, figuring out how exactly he needed comfort. If she wasn’t careful, he would claim he didn’t need or deserve any comfort, mutter something about karma, and disappear. So, she decided to tease him about his real name, Alatus, being revealed. He made a face of shock and disgust before scolding her, not meaning any of the sharp words. He knew she knew, and in his way, he was comforting her right back.

For the following years that came and went, the adeptus visited her frequently. He found comfort in the parlor just like the archon did, appreciating the tea, the sea breeze, and the familiar suit that was displayed behind glass.

#zhongli #Morax #Hu Tao #xiao #Alatus #genshin #angst #genshin angst #erosion #genshin impact #gi #imsorry #Hu Tao x xiao #Hu Tao x zhongli #zhongli x xiao #canon characters #canon compliant #character death #wangsheng funeral parlor

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