#You feel nothing but you're more suicidal and upset than you ever have been

[katiesyellowcardcollection]

ill call your mom

trigger warnings - lots of mentions of suicide and the thoughts od doing, bad mental health. please dont read if you feel you cant handle this.

AN: this was written in one siting, not the best just me getting my own feelings out in a fic of some sort

Happiness.  

You're not sure the last time you felt true happiness, maybe when you signed for arsenal when you were 10, maybe when you made your senior debut 7 years later or maybe when you were first called up to England, but you weren't happy now, you hadn't felt true happiness in such a long time that you're not sure what it feels like. You weren't sad either though, you were just empty, disconnected from the world, your family, your teammates.  

You think it's how you've ended up here, curled up in your wardrobe, pills in front of you, you're not entirely sure what pills you've even picked up, you just grabbed every single one in the medicine cupboard that Beth and Viv had been stocking up for you since your injury.  

Your injury.  

It had come at the worst possible time, you were on your way to winning the wsl with Arsenal, on the form of your life, the world cup was just round the corner and everything you'd worked so tirelessly for had come crushing down from a movement you'd done thousands of times in your career.  

You think of that day now as you swallow the pills, you think of the days leading up to it, how you hadn't been feeling quite right, Jonas wanted you to come off minutes before the injury you'd refused and then there was the pop followed by an indescribable pain, pain you'd never felt before and then nothing. You knew as it happened that your world Cup dreams were over, your season was over, everything was over.  

You think of the days after, when you couldn't get out of bed, you couldn't cry, you couldn't feel anything, you haven't felt anything since your mind constantly frozen on that night, on the movement of your knee, one movement that had ruined everything.  

Football was your lifeline, it was all you had ever known, growing up in sporty family you'd been kicking a ball since you could stand, joining a team when you were just 5 year, up until that night there hadn't been a day go past when you hadn't kicked a ball or been out on the grass doing some kind of training drill. When you were being bullied as kid, football was how you coped with it all, when the shouting and slamming doors got too much you had football and when you needed football the most you didn't have it, you didn't have an escape.  

You were struggling to breathe now, gasping for air you couldn't breathe, and you didn't care, you were content with dying, leaving everything behind, your teammates, football that was really all you had, you wondered if anyone would truly care, if your death would leave them unsettled you think your teammates would be upset but you didn't think your death would life altering for them, they only care because they have to, because your their teammate and they have to care to some extent.  

You were losing consciousness now, you hadn't expected for it to happen this quickly for the side effects of the pills you'd taken to work this fast, as you faded in and out of consciousness you felt nothing but relief, it was a feeling you'd been craving for since your injury, previously you thought youd feel relief when you stepped on the pitch for the first time since the injury, except you hadn't felt anything, not relief or joy instead it was almost like a chore being subbed on, two years after you'd first tore your acl, two years of hell, two years begging to run again, two years of wanting nothing more than to be on a pitch again, yet you felt nothing as you high fived Leah letting you onto the field again, both sets of fans applauding your return back. it was like your injury had stripped everything good about you away from you, turning you into the silhouette of the girl you used to be.  

in hindsight you should've known that Viv would come knocking when you didn't show up for dinner forgetting she owned a key to your apartment, you should've realised that when you ignored your teammates numerous calls and texts that they would come running, always wanting to help the people they loved most.  

You could hear distant banging, desperate pounding at your door, then the click of a lock, your lock, then the shouts of your teammates screaming your name, the urgency in their voices becoming clearer. 

You're not sure how they knew that something was seriously wrong, maybe it was instinct or the way your bathroom had been torn apart, the beer bottles that were scattered around your living room or maybe it was your silence.  

You should feel someone shaking you, this wasn't death, you could feel the floor of your wardrobe, the clothes hanging up above you, you weren't meant to be back here.  

You were supposed to be dead.  

You could hear someone screaming at you begging you to open your eyes. 

“Oh god y/n wake up for me” 

They were crying and shouting for help, shaking your fragile body, you wish that they would stop and shut up for one second, but you couldn't speak, you couldn't move, you were just led there, listening to their desperate cries for help.  

You wish you had taken more at that second; you didn't want to have to deal with your teammates finding out, talking about your feelings, you didn't want that, you wanted to be dead there was nothing more you wanted at that moment.  

.........................................................................................................................

You woke up to beeping, loud harsh beeps, wires wrapped around your body, you wished you were mistaken, you wished so desperately that this was some kind of afterlife and not a hospital.  

A hospital meant you were still alive and still breathing.  

It meant it hadn't worked.  

Youd failed. Failed at something else again.  

You couldn't even kill yourself right.   

“Hiya y/n” You heard Viv whisper out.  

Slowly you opened your eyes, you noticed the bodies of your teammates laid out on chairs, each with the same concerned facial expressions, they smiled up at you. You turned your focus to Viv, she was sitting next to you holding your hand, you realised, she gave you a sympathetic look, you could see the worry in her eyes, she'd always been a worrier, always wanting to make sure the people she loved most were okay.  

“Why am I not dead.” 

You croak out, wincing as you do so your throat hurting. 

your words hung in the air for a few minutes, none of your teammates quite sure how to respond to such a question. In their minds the answer was easy, you weren't ready to die, you had a life worth living for, you were the most loving, thoughtful person, they knew how could someone so young and ‘innocent’ want to not be here anymore, not want to do life anymore.  

It was Katie who spoke first, her accent thicker than normal, her face full of worry.  

“Because you have a life here with us kiddo, life is so much more than what you may think it is, you still have so much left to do before you leave y/n.” 

You're not sure why or how but her words bring you to tears, she hadn't said anything groundbreaking, yet here you were moved to tears for the first time in two years, you hadn't cried since the night of your injury.  

You can feel Viv rubbing your back as you continue to let out tears, you're sobbing now, everything that had happened to you in the past two years coming out, everything the club psychologist had tried to get you out was spilling out of you, the thoughts of your teammates witnessing this sent you into another set of tears, you didn't want them to see you like this, you were a mess, you didn't want them knowing just how much you were struggling.  

Viv seemed to have sensed this as she forced everyone out of your hospital room leaving just you and her.  

She didn't say anything at first, she just continued rubbing your back, whispering soft Dutch words to you in hopes to calm you down slightly, remembering when you had a Panick attack before you made your debut that speaking in her native language had help you to calm down.  

Eventually your sobbing eased off and all that could be heard was your heavy breathing.  

“What happened y/n?”  

You're not sure how to answer that question truth to be told you didn't know, you remember grabbing the pills and swallowing them, but you don't remember what had switched that evening why you'd decided to go through with it.  

You had thought of doing it before, but you were always too scared to actually follow through, you'd written notes, gathered the supplies but you'd never put the plan into place before and you're not sure why you decided that today you would actually follow through.  

“I don't know” 

She just shakes her head in response.  

“You do sweetheart, you don't just try to kill yourself” 

You nod in agreement, she's right someone doesn't just do it, there has to be things leading up to it, you're just not sure why tonight, what had happened today that left you so ready to leave  

“I've been thinking about it for a while Vivi just today I actually tried I don't know I'm sorry.” 

“You don't have to say sorry kiddo, your still here and that's what matters the most to me, to us, were going to help you through this alright darling, I love you so much.” 

She says removing her hands of your back and going in for a hug, kissing your head as she does so.  

#arsenal women #leah williamson #woso #awfc #alessia russo #awfc x teen reader #katie mccabe x teen reader #katie mccabe #vivianne miedema #beth mead #woso fanfics #woso community #womens football #viv miedema #caitlinfoord #woso x reader

[burritowitch]

Lonnie's 'in case of my death' note from shadow of the bat #41 which according to @lesbiananitafite reads a hell of a lot like a suicide note because he is Not Normal, written out below because it is so hard to read as is:

It looks like tonight must have been that night. I know I've caused you a lot of pain and grief over the past couple of years, and I'm sorry for that. You thought you were bringing me up to be the All-American boy, playing ball on the weekends, studying hard to be a doctor or lawyer. Instead you got a criminal. My memory is tainted, my good intentions derided. And, probably, I'm dead.

How to begin to explain how I feel? The world is like an alien planet to me, the brittle laughter and hollow fun of a theme park overlaying the nightmares of war and discrimination and brutality. The people society respects-- the great and the good-- are, in most part, the small and the evil to me. It's as if I see with laser eyes, burning away the surface illusions that hide the fact that we're zombies-- puppets controlled by somebody else. Again I'm sorry, because I know you're upset. You're good people-- nearly everybody is good people-- and that's what the elite take advantage of. But society is changing. The information revolution allows every man to see the great and good are no better than him. The old power structures and their fascist ways cannot compete with the anarchy of tomorrow's technology. The time of the common man is coming. No longer will he have to march to battle as fodder for bankers and arms makers. No longer will he live in a fog of deceit stoked up by politicians' lies. The future is freedom... and all I ever wanted was to hasten its birth.

I think it all began with Xuasus. I was eleven when he became my penpal... Every month I wrote to tell him the wonders of America-- Every month he wrote back with tales of hovels and soldiers and the brutal repression that made up his life. After a year, his letters suddenly stopped. Mine were returned "Not Known." Another year passed before I found out why he Xuasus wrote once more, a single sheet scribbled in some seedy back alley. His father had been arrested and not heard from since. His mother took ill. His sister died of malnourishment. At the age of 11, Xuasus was fending for himself on the streets. Remember I asked you to help me find him, Dad? You said it was another country, the rules were different there. We could do nothing. But I couldn't just forget a friend like that. I started to haunt the library. I found out Xuasus' country was a dictatorship, at war with Marxist guerillas, with ordinary people caught in the crossfire. I found out the guns came from Europe, and Russia... and here. A few men made big profits, while half a world away, poor people suffered. I read about war and the history of war, and the psychology of war, and the horrors of war. You never knew it but--

That's when I went through those months of nightmares. Remember? Anyway, I soon realized something-- almost all wars were caused by only one man, or one small group of men. And every time the elites ordered 'Fight!' it was the ordinary men who became canon fodder-- and ordinary families followed him into oblivion.

I learned that the state is more important than the individual. I learned that politics is soaked in blood. But I couldn't accept that it had to be that way. Remember how crazy I was about books, Dad? I used to make you take me to the bookstore every Saturday. Flying saucers, cults, conspiracy theory, religion, the occult... I drank it up, tried in vain to make sense of it all. Then I discovered Scudder Klyce's "Universe" and the jigsaw finally fell into place.

Scudder Klyce worked out the secret of humanity. Vox populi, Vox Del. The voice of the people is the voice of God. The elites are parasites, vampires sucking on the life-blood of man, turning everything good and decent into foul corruption! That's when Anarky was born. I couldn't help Xuasus-- but I could give the people of Gotham a voice, no matter how small, against the forces that oppress them.

--If I am dead, please don't think ill of me. I only wanted to bring a little sanity into an insane world for a little while, I was something no one else had ever been... the voice of the people. One day-- and it won't be long-- the tyrants will die away, scorned and mocked by their former victims. One day you'll see that I'm right; maybe then you'll be proud to say "My son did that."

All my love, Anarky (alias Lonnie Machin)

#lonnie machin #save me i suffered doing ths

[limeade-l3sbian]

Sorry, this is probably a heavy thing to put on, feel free to delete if this is too much for you to handle, I promise it won't upset me. I'm really considering suicide. I have a lot going on in my personal life and now that my eyes have been opened to how much the world hates women I find it difficult to cope. I truly don't know how to navigate the world knowing half the population wants to cut me up, use my reproductive organs, rape me, kill me, slather me in makeup, mutilate me, beat me, degrade and humiliate me just for being female. I can't trust or make friends anymore. I feel hopeless. Idk what I expect you to say, I just need to get this out and know that at least one person sees it and understands.

I don't know how helpful this will be, but I hope you know that I've been feeling the same way as well. It's part of why I haven't really been super active lately. I've been going through it as well, so I at the very least, hope you don't think you're alone.

This is a very shitty world and we are in this strange limbo right now of things either staying shit or getting shittier. And it's important to me that I don't give you advice that wouldn't personally help me. I think the best advice I can give you is this:

You're not going crazy. This hopelessness you feel is happening in record numbers. And your feelings about all this are completely valid. I hate that they're valid. I wish I could tell you, "But why do you think that's what's happening?" I wish i could be indignant and suggest that perhaps you were just looking too deeply into nothing. But you're not, and that's the biggest curse in being aware of the world around you.

I don't have the perfect answer for you. I wish I could write three paragraphs worth of inspiration and you hit me up two minutes later and tell me that after reading all that, now you want to conquer the world and nothing was going to stand in your way. I don't even have the perfect answer for myself.

I guess the best answer I can give you is that if you left, the world would just be a little more shittier. It would have just a little less sparkle to it that it is already sparse on. Someone's life (including mine, now that I know you exist), will dim in its quality if you were to do it. That hope that everyone grabs onto will lose just a little more grip without you. The world itself would shift in a way that isn't perceivably to you or me.

And that's not to say that you would be selfish to do it. An argument that I absolutely hate. But life would just go from 480p to 360p.

You should stay because what you are contemplating is going to come anyway. I have a post somewhere on here where i talk about how if you are suicidal, the best way to go about doing it is to live. Go out and live more than you ever have. That's when most people die. When they are out living and something out of their control happens. I would rather you die while ziplining with friends than crying and alone in a bathroom.

This sounds harsh, but I would rather all of this than give you some bullshit, "Oh, it's okay, sweetie. Have you talked to anyone? What about therapy? Did you do breathing exercises?"

You should go out and live, anon. And that doesn't even mean spend money. A full life isn't inevitable, but death is.

#ask

[givehimthemedicine]

I'm gonna say something that might make elmax tumblr mad at me but:

as much as El and Max are besties in the sense of the nonexclusive title, I can't honestly say I think they're mutual best friends in the sense of literal #1 ranking of emotional closeness.

Max becomes El's best friend within the same hour that they meaningfully interact, surpassing Mike by miles. no contest. but I think Max's best friend is still Lucas.

Max doesn't really share emotionally with El. she's a brand new friend and doesn't really have the, what do I want to say, life experience? to become Max's go-to confidant right away, which is a pretty major pillar of emotionally close friendship. El is so new to normal human relationships and regular life across the board. she would listen and care if Max confided in her, undoubtedly, but someone to whom you'd have to pause and explain and define aspects of what you just said honestly isn't going to be your #1 choice when you're upset and just want to vent and be understood. there's definitely no lack of emotional intelligence or anything like that from El, she's just not the easiest one to communicate with.

El actually COULD understand Max a lot better than Max might expect - and vice versa - but since neither of them really tells the other anything about themselves (at least not onscreen), they don't know just how much they can relate to each other yet.

what little sharing Max has done with El has been mostly in brief unintentional(?) inferences that El didn't engage with ("happy screams" being a troubling insight into her home life, etc). and I see extremely little evidence that El has ever told Max or anyone else much about the lab.

their friendship in s3 is more about being kids and having fun together (which is not something shallow! they both need that so badly) and they have more of a mentor-mentee relationship in some ways. just when their friendship could be getting deep, they get separated which is horribly unfortunate.

I don't mean to paint Max as the giver and El as the taker - they're different things to each other. Max drops everything and immediately offers advice, friendship, and warmth to a girl who's previously been rude to her for no reason, expecting no apology and asking nothing in return. but El spends season 3 body-shielding Max from monsters, is there to hold Max when Billy dies, and moves mountains unasked to find/protect/save Max in 4. she is very much there for Max emotionally, just verbal/written communication isn't her strong suit, and that's especially hard in a long distance friendship where that's the only way you can communicate.

Lucas, on the other hand. he has the distinction of being the first person to make her feel accepted in an unfamiliar town, her first true friend in Hawkins or possibly ever, and I don't think that's overwritten by one shopping spree.

Max really opened up quite soon to Lucas considering her trust issues in season 2 and he made it a very positive experience for her. not much of substance happened between them in 3 but in 4, their relationship seems to have its greatest emotional depth ever despite being broken up, and she voiced her literal deepest darkest secrets and suicidal ideations in front of him. (El heard it too, but Max didn't actually consent to that, although I imagine she would have). Henry used Lucas for a vision, knowing her fears would hurt the worst coming from Lucas's mouth. Lucas is the first person Max mentioned she had already looked for when she went to Dustin's house to talk about what she saw, and that was before their reconciliation.

but now here's something to offend lumax tumblr as well: I don't think Max has been Lucas's best friend at any point so far.

am I forgetting a time he's told her anything about himself? a time she's complimented him? I can't think of a topic he's discussed seriously with her that didn't pertain to Max herself, their relationship, or upside down stuff. his best friend is still within the party - Mike or Will I bet.

I could absolutely see Lucas finding Max daunting to open up to, even before her depression in 4. the way she treats him in 3 doesn't give me the sense there's a whole lot of sharing or validation going on for Lucas. I'm not saying she's a bad girlfriend to him, but I am saying she must make him feel a lot less emotionally cared for than he does her, unless he's extremely aware that they have very different ways of showing love. Max really is nice and definitely would listen and care if he shared seriously (and she has shown him that, just not often or recently), but she definitely has an exterior you have to get past first and I wonder how much he tries to do that.

I assume their friendship/relationship had to have had more depth than what we actually saw onscreen but I feel like Lucas lets his feelings be easily swept under the rug when it comes to Max vs the boys. the "the lady is never wrong" policy he learns from his father may keep the peace, but it isn't healthy for the long term. and this may be a subset of that, but I think Lucas prioritizes Max's hardships above his own (that's gonna be huge for him in 5 and beyond - he got traumatized by what happened to Max too, but he won't be inclined to seek validation of that especially not from her).

while they both absolutely care and empathize, Max and Lucas's backgrounds and struggles aren't ones that each other can personally relate to much. Max doesn't know what it's like to get bullied for being black and Lucas doesn't know what it's like to grow up in a poor, broken, abusive home.

but while their childhoods looked drastically different too, El and Max actually could relate to a lot about each others' pasts. El wouldn't know much about being a child of divorce, but can relate to having an abusive big brother, to wanting to escape, to major trust issues and craving love, to refusing to grow up to be what her abusers want her to be. Max doesn't know what it's like to grow up in a lab, but she can relate to being a little girl unsafe in her own home, to having a hard-learned no snitching policy, to living with a bad man she's supposed to call dad whose abuse causes her sibling to abuse her in turn, to refusing to repeat that cycle.

El and Max have potential to have an incredibly deeply understanding mutual best friendship, and I think they will once they get a chance to spend some time together, process what just happened in 4, and open up to each other about more.

simply aging and maturing will contribute to this as well but I think what Max has learned in 4 will make her more emotionally available with Lucas (disregarding that in reality she'd probably close off more than ever after 4 but it's the last season and we don't have time for that) in fact she was already starting to open up to him more just before she died. I hope they don't rush the relationship aspect of lumax because their friendship is sososo important and deserves its own attention tbh. I want to see some mutual emotional sharing between them where Lucas's trauma isn't sidelined.

also El and Lucas, the combination with I'd say the least in common, absolutely must do some massive bonding over Max. I want the two who were slowest to warm up to each other as kids to be absolutely ride or die. the brot3 potential is there I just need everyone to communicate!

tl;dr: Max is El's best friend but El isn't Max's best friend, and Lucas is Max's best friend but Max isn't Lucas's best friend

#lucas sinclair #max mayfield #eleven #lumax #elumax but in a brot3 way #I MUST KNOW what is the status of el and max's communications in s4 #in other news I think will/mike and robin/steve are the only mutual best friendships on the show #all I ever hear on here is that mike is brushed off and never talks about his needs #but can I ask when lucas ever gets to talk about himself #long post #character analysis

[letters-from-dekarios]

the tortured poets department (gale’s version)

tracks one through five

summary: an analyzation of TTPD with comparisons to gale dekarios’ story and life. some generalized things are part of the version of gale i’ve made in my mind that makes sense for his character to me.

or: me rambling about the TTPD songs and how each lyric relates to gale dekarios.

word count: 3.8k

tags: taylor swift is mothering with this new album, gale dekarios, i am mystra’s hateclub ceo, most of these songs are about their breakup sorry if i reiterate things a million times, MENTIONS OF S/H & SUICIDE. DO NOT READ IF THESE THINGS TRIGGER YOU.

author’s note: this multi-part series is going to be written in a much more casual style than my traditional fanfics. if you notice me rambling or screaming for like three sentences straight, don't be alarmed, I did spell check everything!

First and foremost, I absolutely LOVE this album. Artistically and lyrically, this is one of Taylor’s most sophisticated albums. It’s a story not really about boys or love or anything (not in the same way that other albums/songs have been, at least. take ‘love story’ or ‘enchanted’ for example), but instead is about her. Yes, her songs have technically always been about her. But this album has such a different ring to it. It’s about her and her feelings and about telling her story to the world, no matter if it makes people upset. This album is so unapologetically Taylor Swift that it is simply just… beautiful. I love this album SO much.

Now… let’s get into it!

fortnight;

I see this song both from the perspective of Gale and that of Mystra thinking of Gale.

“I was a functioning alcoholic till nobody noticed my new aesthetic”

makes me think of Gale hiding in his tower for a whole Year after receiving the orb. He and Mystra’s relationship wasn’t the longest either had ever had, but the breaking it off still hurt more than anything he’d ever experienced.

“All of this to say I hope you're okay/But you're the reason/And no one here's to blame/But what about your quiet treason?”

THIS IS SO. Gale knows that he’s, he was at fault for some of it too. But her treason against him (leaving him to die) goes overlooked by SO many. Even Gale overlooks her misdemeanors because he feels like he is ALSO at fault, and STILL wishes her the best despite it all.

“And for a fortnight there, we were forever/Run into you sometimes, ask about the weather/Now you're in my backyard, turned into good neighbors/Your wife waters flowers, I wanna kill her”

Metaphorically, they were together for a “fortnight”. They weren’t together for a Long time romantically, so their relationship wasn’t a long one. But now every time he uses the Weave or connects with her it’s like everything has changed and he has to play nice for fear of losing whatever friendship they had. And I’m sure some part of Gale is angry at Elminster for still being her Chosen and still having her affection (‘your wife waters flowers’).

“All my mornings are Mondays stuck in an endless February/I took the miracle move-on drug, the effects were temporary”

Even though February is the shortest month, I personally interpret the analogy like ‘this was short, but it feels longer’ and with ‘all my mornings are Mondays’ it’s like starting over time and time again but always ending up at the start. With Gale, even though their time together was futile, he’s still stuck on it. No matter how hard he tries, the effects of Mystra’s romantic loss on him is Hard. His mind always wraps back around to it.

“I love you, it’s ruining my life”

Gale still talked about Mystra and was willing to give up his life for her. He would’ve done Anything for her.

“Thought of calling you, but you won’t pick up”

Gale still tries to reach out to her even though he Knows she won’t listen to him. Even though he Knows she wants nothing to do with him right now, he still tries to reach her.

“Move to Florida, buy the car you want/buy it won’t start till I touch, touch, touch you”

He can move on and try to escape it all but no matter what he does, Mystra is Always There. She always will be. Because without her and her power, he has nothing. And it messes with him Terribly.

the tortured poets department;

“You’re in self-sabatoge mode, throwing spikes down on the road”

Mystra KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING. How could she not?? How could she not know the magic he was using and not see what he was trying to do for her? He was destroying their relationship long before the tome and she had the Audacity to not say anything about it.

However, on Gale’s end, “But I've seen this episode and still loved the show”

LITERALLY KARSUS’ FOLLY. Gale was so aware of what Karsus had done and knew of his mistakes and sought to not be like him… yet he did something similar because he thought that the rest of the ‘show’ or relationship in this case could be different and wouldn’t affect the rest of it.

BUT, then, “And who's gonna hold you like me?/And who's gonna know you, if not me?”

Mystra knows he can try to move on, but she will always be there at the forefront of his mind. He can attempt to escape, but she is Always There.

“"You're not Dylan Thomas, I'm not Patti Smith/This ain't the Chelsea Hotel, we'rе modern idiots"”

I take this lyric as something Mystra says in a way to Gale. Kind of how she tells him to “be contented” (yes I reference this line a lot). Mystra tries to tell him that their love is not the grandest and not legendary. It is going to end. While she doesn’t refer to herself as an idiot, I feel the line can be taken as she sees the love itself as idiotic. She’s had so many lovers that this with Gale is just.. pointless, in a sense? She never had any intention of furthering his magic any more than it had been, so his idea with her is stupid.

“But you awaken with dread, pounding nails in your head/But I’ve read this one before, where you come undone”

She’s had So Many Chosen and even had someone try and literally usurp her power before. She knew what she was doing with him, even if Gale had no clue what was going to happen.

“Sometimes, I wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me/But you told Lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave/And I had said that to Jack about you, so I felt seen/Everyone we know understands why it's meant to be”

GALE IS INSECURE. MYSTRA TELLS HIM TO BE CONTENT AND HE TRIES TO!!!! He really Really tries to but cannot bring himself to. People who still just see him as her Chosen find little to no issue because they think he’s this great, grand, all-powerful wizard so it makes Sense.

“At dinner, you take my ring off my middle finger/And put it on the one people put wedding rings on/And that's the closest I've come to my heart exploding”

MYSTRA. She tells him to be contented even when he’s begging for more and wants to know her more intimately and instead of squashing the idea he had of becoming something greater with her, she just lets him SIT WITH THE IDEA. KNOWING FULL WELL WHAT HE WOULD'VE DONE AND WHAT HE WANTED TO DO. This song is so Mystra saying that Gale will never find anything greater than her and Gale’s heartbreak and realization over that fact.

my boy only breaks his favorite toys;

“Oh, here we go again/The voices in his head/Called the rain to end our days of wild”

I take this as Mystra seeing Gale and knowing that she was going to start something with him. After all, she had to know of his magic usage even as a small child up until she was back and fully alive again. In my headcanons/ideas she was appearing to him perhaps not with full strength but still showing herself even when he was 16/17. She also would’ve known the ideas in his head of growing more powerful and trying to love her with every part of himself.

“The sickest army doll/Purchased at the mall/Rivulets descend my plastic smile”

Mystra chose him much like one chooses a doll they purchase. She used him and abused him, and forced him to carry his fake plastic smile even when he had tears streaming down his face when she left him.

“But you should’ve seen him when he first got me”

GALES UTTER HAPPINESS OVER BEING CHOSEN BY MYSTRA? He had been practicing since he was a child. Mystra was his absolute everything!!

“My boy only breaks his favorite toys, toys, oh/I'm queen of sand castles he destroys, oh, oh”

AHHH. No matter how hard Gale could’ve and was trying, he crumbled the relationship in his hands. He didn’t mean to, but it happened regardless. Also, ‘queen of sandcastles he destroys’ THINKING that he was standing on stable ground with Mystra, before realizing that it was easy to ruin and never stable to begin with. At the same time, though, Mystra thinking that she had Gale exactly where she wanted him and then realizing that he was going down a path she wouldn’t support. But instead of helping him rebuild she just let him sit with his destruction.

“There was a litany of reasons why/We could've playеd for keeps this time”

both with Mystra and Gale, either of them could’ve fought to maintain the relationship. But Gale was the only one who actually… did.

“I know I'm just repeating mysеlf/Put me back on my shelf/But first, pull the string/And I'll tell you that he runs/Because he loves me (He loves me)”

Gale constantly says the same thing over and over about Mystra and their relationship. He has hope! But he knows she’s going to ‘put [him] back on [her] shelf’ and no longer play with him. She/Tav pulls his string (like Woody/Jessie, pulling their string makes them say their pre-recorded phrases) and he just repeats the idea that he can gain her forgiveness again and that she can love him again. I also relate the ‘repeating myself’ and ‘pull the string’ to one another, too. No matter how many times you pull the string, the doll just repeats the same phrases over and over again. In this case, we know Gale can and does change his tune if you let him, but if he doesn’t and he explodes he keeps the same exact idea for the rest of the game.

“Once I fix me/He's gonna miss me”

crying because Gale consistently thinks that if he does everything Mystra asks that she will forgive him and things can go back to how they were.

“Just say when, I'd play again/He was my best friend down at the sandlot/I felt more when we played pretend/Than with all the Kens/'Cause he took me out of my box”

In a heartbeat, Gale would go back to Mystra and return to their dysfunction. Their relationship was like ‘playing pretend’ and when brought back to reality it was much harsher. He felt more because it was so unrealistic and not expected to last, much like how when you made up stories playing pretend, you would start new ones over and over again. She ‘took [him] out of [his] box’ only to ‘put [him] back on [his] shelf’ but the idea that he was wanted was what made it worth it.

“Stole my tortured heart/Left all these broken parts/Told me I'm better off/But I'm not/I'm not, I'm not”

this is a prevalent theme in all of the album, being ‘stolen’ or ‘taken’ and then being ‘broken’ or ruined, before being casted aside for the idea of being ‘better off’. Gale thinks he’s not better off and would prefer being taken and toyed with, but in reality it’s more beneficial to him. It’s the process of it that hurts.

down bad;

I cannot even begin to comprehend this one. In Taylor’s explanation of this song she states that the metaphor for love-bombing is of an alien taking someone and showing them the galaxy and then sending them home when they really liked it there. And that is just. UGH.

“Did you really beam me up/In a cloud of sparkling dust/Just to do experiments on?/Tell me I was the chosen one/Showed me that this world is bigger than us/Then sent me back where I came from”

THIS. “Tell me i was the chosen one” She did!!! She literally picked Gale as her chosen and then told him to “be contented” as if he wouldn’t be striving for more. She gave him a small slice of godhood and expected him to not want more?

“Now I'm down bad, cryin' at the gym/Everything comes out teenage petulance/"Fuck it if I can't have him"/"I might just die, it would make no difference"”

Gale locked himself in his tower for a whole Year, nearly dying because he was so depressed over everything. Yes, he also nearly died because of the orb, BUT he mostly locked himself away because of his mourning the relationship.

“Down bad, wakin' up in blood/Starin' at the sky, come back and pick me up/Fuck it if I can't have us/I might just not get up, I might stay”

Had Tara not been there, I do not think Gale would’ve lived. 100% he would’ve died after that first year because he refused to get out of bed. He just wanted Mystra and to have the Weave and without that he was willing to die.

“Did you take all my old clothes/Just to leave me here, naked and alone/In a field in my same old town/That somehow seems so hollow now?/They'll say I'm nuts if I talk about/The existence of you”

THIS??? She took away his abilities (his old self) and left him with, essentially, nothing. And then expected him to just be in Waterdeep and be fine? And then when he’s abducted, if you don’t romance him and/or have him explode for you, he LITERALLY gets called crazy for talking about Mystra. Literally. I’m 90% sure you can tell him to shut up when he tells you the truth about the orb.

“I loved your hostile takeovers/Encounters closer and closer/All your indecent exposures/How dare you say that it's—“

AUGH. Whenever Gale talks about Mystra and how she appeared to him, no matter how much she’s hurt him, he still loves her? He still reminisces on those moments with love and adoration for her despite all the pain that came with it. Everything they did he loved, and her tossing him aside Hurt. Also the sadness in her voice as she says “how dare you say it’s—“ because she ALMOST says ‘over’ but it’s choked back because if she says it she’ll start crying. The same with Gale. He knows in his heart that it’s over but this part of him can’t handle the fact that it is and that Mystra would end it like that.

“I'll build you a fort on some planet/Where they can all understand it/How dare you think it's romantic/Leaving me safe and stranded/'Cause fuck it, I was in love/So fuck you if I can't have us/'Cause fuck it, I was in love”

Gale was SO ready to explore more with Mystra and have her in her entirety. Was it a bit selfish trying to be a god to do that? Yes. BUT she literally left him completely alone after having the orb!! He wanted so much with her and wanted to be able to expand his abilities to match her and instead she tossed him aside like she was “helping” him but really she was destroying him. He was so in love with her (and, yes, the weave too) that he would’ve done everything. Then as the game goes on you can see his progression to understanding how she hurt him and how he’s allowed to be angry about it.

so long, london;

this is one of my FAVORITE songs on this album. the intro is so beautiful and so haunting. this song also makes me SO sad.

“I saw in my mind fairy lights through the mist/I kept calm and carried the weight of the rift/Pulled him in tighter each time he was driftin' away”

UGH OKAY. Metaphorically, the fairy lights were like that light at the end of the tunnel. But the mist blocks them out, making it hard to tell if there really is this fantasy-like future ahead or if it’s your mind playing tricks on you. With Gale, he wanted so desperately to have a happy ending. And yes, he does eventually get it depending on how you play, but when it comes to Mystra and everything, he really… doesn’t? He tries so hard to carry the ‘rift’ or the breaking of their foundation. Every time Mystra pulls away from him, he tries to pull her close and hold onto that fantasy he thinks he’s going to have.

“My spine split from carrying us up the hill/Wet through my clothes, weary bones caught the chill/I stopped tryna make him laugh, stopped tryna drill the safe”

CARRYING US UP THE HILL? SISYPHUS (‘thanK you aIMee’ also has a similar lyric that makes me think of sisyphus as well but that will be saved for that song). Punished to forever push that stone up the hill with no end, never being free from the weight. Not only is she trying to push and carry this weight up, she also is soaked and her bones are tired. She has so much on her own plate that trying to keep up this relationship and keep it going is only making everything else worse. In the same sense, Gale kept trying to keep this dying relationship going. Rather than it being easy, everything just kept piling on top of one another and pulling him down more and more. Eventually, he let’s go of it and stops trying to win her over. He stops trying to ‘drill the safe’, or, stops trying to get something that was never his to begin with. Something that is locked away for a reason.

“Thinkin', "How much sad did you think I had/Did you think I had in me?"/Oh, the tragedy/So long, London/You'll find someone”

MYSTRA THINKING HE COULD HANDLE IT ALL? And then just leaving him. Leaving him to deal with it all on his own. The ‘so long, London’ to me is both Gale saying goodbye to the Weave AND Waterdeep. Obviously he returns to Waterdeep (if he doesn’t explode) but it’s not the same as how he went in. He’s much different when he returns. Also, he knows Mystra will find someone else. He has no worries about that. In the same sense, Mystra knows Gale will find someone else too. Even if he’s still holding onto parts of her.

“I didn't opt in to be your odd man out/I founded the club she's heard great things about/I left all I knew, you left me at the house by the Heath”

Gale went into it thinking he would have her forever. At least, his concept of forever. He didn’t want Mystra or the Weave if it meant that, one day, he might be closed out from it all. He left everything behind for her, and yet she left him behind in his tower to rot.

“I stopped CPR, after all, it's no use/The spirit was gone, we would never come to”

He tried so, so incredibly hard to bring the relationship back to life. But, eventually, he had to give up and realize that help wasn’t coming, it was long gone, and he had to let go. “And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free” THIS LYRIC ALONE. And the way Taylor says ‘free’ with the shake in her voice… This is. I feel like, deep down, Gale is genuinely hurt and angry with Mystra for all she did. And not just her, Elminster, too. If someone would’ve realized what was going on, he could’ve been saved. But, instead, he dedicated all his youth, his time, his energy, all to her. All to the Weave. Only for it to mean nothing in the end.

“And you say I abandoned the ship/But I was going down with it/My white-knuckle dying grip/Holding tight to your quiet resentment”

THIS?? Mystra saying that Gale was trying to usurp her authority or take over her magic when in reality all he wanted was to love her? Her accusing him of essentially trying to kill her when really he just wanted to be closer to her. He literally was willing to do anything for her, even after she hurt him he was willing to die for her. He tried holding on so so hard, that ‘white knuckle dying grip’ showing how tightly he was gripping onto this relationship. For better or for worse he was willing to drown if it meant he still had a piece of that relationship.

“And my friends said it isn't right to be scared/Every day of a love affair/Every breath feels like rarest air/When you're not sure if he wants to be there”

UGGHHHHH. Tav telling Gale pretty much that he doesn’t have to do this? He doesn’t have to hold onto Mystra and follow her every beck and call and he has to realize that. Every day Mystra finds someone else or focuses her attention on another Chosen, he’s so scared he’s going to lose her forever. Every moment she doesn’t speak to him or ignores him, he fears he’s going to have everything taken away from him. UGHHH.

“You swore that you loved me, but where were the clues?/I died on the altar waitin' for the proof/You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days”

THIS. LYRIC. TOO. Mystra promised him that she loved him, that she was essentially as devoted to him, but every moment Gale spent waiting for her to prove that, to show the same amount of love that he held for her, she failed him. She left him at the altar alone with all his hopes and dreams. She sacrificed him, or wanted him to sacrifice himself, really, for her. So she could keep going and not have to deal with him anymore.

“And I'm just getting color back into my face/I'm just mad as hell 'cause I loved this place for”

GALE FINALLY BEING ABLE TO BE HIMSELF AGAIN!! When he realizes he can trust Tav and doesn’t need to hide these parts of himself.. and then he tells them his secrets and he apologizes for keeping them but he was so wounded from his last relationship that he doesn’t know what to do. Then he gets color back into his face and he’s finally able to heal from it all. And he’s so mad because he loved the Weave and he loved being so talented with it but it’s all in the past and it’s all lost to him now. Even though he still has it but.. you get the picture. UGHH THIS SONG. THIS SONG!!

If you made it this far, thank you for sticking along! My mind works in weird ways when it comes to analyzing/reviewing lyrics. I tend to take things very literally so some of my interpretations are viewed that way!

Either way, I hope you enjoyed. Be on the lookout for tracks six through ten next!

#baldur's gate 3 #fanfiction #for you #for you page #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #bg3 #bg3 gale #gale fanfic #taylor swift #the tortured poets department #fortnight #my boy only breaks his favourite toys #down bad #so long london #taylornation #t swift #lyrics #lyric posting #gale #baldur’s gate fanfiction #baldurs gate 3 #baldurs gate gale #baldur's gate iii

[whumpshaped]

Hope you're okay my friend. Sending virtual hugs 🫂

Uhhh... prompts... I've been thinking about a whumpee leaving the team because they felt unwanted, and the team was frantically looking for them.

That's the vibe I've been having the past several days.

-- @whumperofworlds

tw feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, suicidal ideation, perceived abandonment

Whumpee pulled their blanket tighter around their body, clinging to the idea of comfort and the minimal heat it had trapped. They didn't have their room now, with the central heating and the proper bed. All they had was some moss under their head and a thin blanket full of tears and holes. It was at least better than the awful feeling of being out of place.

They tried not to think about the team. About how relieved they must've felt when they woke up to them being gone. No tough conversations, no tears, no guilt. If nothing else, maybe they were at least a little grateful that Whumpee had picked up on being a bother and took the initiative to remedy it.

But what else were they supposed to think about? They had no one and nothing else. The team had been their family and friends in one package, so to speak. Their job wasn't a very important one, but it was the only one they'd ever had. They didn't know what to do. Their food was running out. They didn't want to make more work for the team from the outside by getting into crime, they really didn't, but sometimes the possibility popped into their head.

Maybe they should just go deeper into the woods and starve. Or do something more proactive. Maybe that would be the best path forward.

They lifted their head to stare into the darkness of the forest, with its many critters and mysteries. Would the trees be upset for having to bear the rope and their body? Would the creek be disgusted knowing its water was in their lungs? Would the animals keep their distance? Would the fungi refuse to touch their body?

Whumpee lay back down, empty eyes staring into nothingness. At least they had done the right thing. Whatever happened to them now mattered very little. They had made the right choice, and they were happy with it.

-

"Whumpee!"

They jolted awake and listened intently, heart pounding. It was still the middle of the night, and they could see flashlights in the distance. They quickly scurried behind the tree, covering their mouth with both hands.

"Whumpee, are you here?"

They frowned in confusion. That sounded like one of their teammates.

"Whumpee, please answer if you can hear me!"

They slowly lowered their hands. The voices — because there were multiple, multiple familiar voices — were getting closer, as were the lights. Were they actually supposed to reveal themself?

Or were they hoping for a body?

"There! Do you see that? Isn't that their backpack?" Whumpee heard their teammate running towards their hiding spot, and they froze up completely. "Whumpee! Whumpee, are you–" They rounded the tree, accidentally pointing the flashlight straight at their eyes. "Oh, fuck, oh my god– Whumpee!" They threw the wretched thing away and dropped to their knees, pulling Whumpee into a tight hug.

"Did you find them?" More footsteps, more yelling. More hugs. More tears. Whumpee didn't understand any of it.

"We were looking for you everywhere," their teammate whispered. "For days. Every day and every night– I can't believe– I thought you might be–"

"Don't," another said quietly. "They're safe. None of us has to worry about that anymore."

"Why did you leave?" Whumpee didn't even know how to aswer that now. Their reasoning seemed ridiculous.

"I... I thought... I thought you didn't want me there," they admitted sheepishly. They sounded so unbearably confused, and their team looked just as baffled.

Everyone started talking at once. Scolding them, correcting them, enthusiastically disagreeing with them– Whumpee teared up a little, and that finally made their leader step up and tell everyone to be quiet.

"I... must admit, I don't know how you've arrived to that conclusion, Whumpee. But I'm incredibly heartbroken that you have." They knelt down as well, gently taking Whumpee's hand in their own. "I think I'm speaking for everyone when I say I'm sorry for making you feel that way. And I'm so sorry that I somehow didn't even notice. I should've. And I should've told you way sooner just how important you are to me. I should've told you that way more often. I never should've let you forget or think otherwise."

Whumpee looked around, and they could only see the others nodding along. No one seemed to disagree at all. Some of the others had tears in their eyes as well, and Whumpee wanted to disappear. They'd caused all this pain...

"We would all be very happy if you came back home," they continued softly. "We all love you a lot, Whumpee. And– and if you gave us another chance, I'm sure we'd find a way to make it up to you."

~

general drabbles taglist: @ashh-ed @whumpsday @whump-queen @the-scrapegoat @hidden-dreamland @rosewriteswhump @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night

#thank u! #self-blame #suicidal ideation #perceived abandonment #whump #whump drabble

[authorluvgxbby]

hi are you able to make a part two for this post? :0 if not that’s fine!! im in love with ur writing

Genre: Angst, Angst/No Comfort

Part Two of TR characters x estranged!reader

Included Characters: Ran, Kokonoi, Kazutora

⚠️TW/CW⚠️: pure angst, mentions of death, cursing, mentions/suggestions of suicide and attempted suicide, gaslighting, jealousy, mild injury, depression, self-harm in Kazutora’s part, manipulation, mentions of obsessions, trauma

A/N: Per-request, here is a part two of TR characters who are jealous with estranged!reader. Buckle up and get your tissues ready, this is gonna hurt you just as much as it hurt me 🥲 Enjoy!

Ran

“Seriously, y/n, you should go,” Rindou says softly, putting a hand on your shoulder to stop you from entering the club he and Ran owned. “No! Is Ran alright? I haven’t seen him in weeks and I’m worried sick!” you cry, trying to push past the younger Haitani, only for him to once again, gently pull you away from the club’s entrance by your shoulder. Frustrated, he grips your other shoulder, forcing you to still and face him, “y/n I know you're upset-” “I’m not!” you cut off. Rindou huffs before speaking up once again, “y/n I don’t want you to get hurt, please just go home and I can explain everything later.” “But, Rindou-” “God you’re so annoying,” a voice rings through the air, turning both yours and Rindou’s head to face the very root of the commotion between you two. Ran walks over to the two of you, gently patting Rindou on the shoulder to signal him to go back inside. Rindou’s grip tightens on your shoulder, hesitant to leave you to your demise, but he knew he couldn’t defy his brother. He lets go of you and walks back into the club. Gritting your teeth, you turn to Ran, “Ran, where have you been..,” you reach out to try to take his hand only for the dual-haired male to smack it away, “That’s none of your business.” “What?” Scoffing, he shakes his head before stepping closer to you, an unfamiliar anger radiates from him, an emotion that you’ve never seen directed at you before, “Are you fucking dumb or what? Can’t you see I don’t want you around anymore?” His words hurt, they hurt more than any stab wound or injury that could ever be inflicted on you. “Ran I…if there’s something I did wrong-” you were cut off with a slap to the face, the sudden action stinging your cheek raw. “I don’t want to see your pathetic face again. The only reason I was friends with you was because I felt sorry for you, but now I see why you didn’t have any in the first place.” That was all he said before walking off back into the brightly lit building, leaving you in the silence of the cold streets, with fresh wounds to mend all on your own. 

That night you stayed awake thinking about Ran had said about being your friend out of pity and it broke your heart knowing damn well it was true

You never had any friends due to your reputation for being “clingy” and “two-faced smarty pants” so maybe that’s why Ran didn’t want to be around you anymore

When you would go to school, life was hell. Everyone would whisper rumors about what had happened between you and the older Haitani. “I heard they were fwb.” “He was probably friends with her because she’s the smartest student in the school.” “For someone so smart, she’s really dumb to associate with a Haitani!”

You barely ate or slept, obsessed with your studies and upholding the title of the “smartest student” because it was the only thing you had left.

Some days when you see Ran around in school, you feel angry at what he did to you, but would also feel jealous of the multiple friends he had around him wherever he went.

It was as if he was silently telling you, “You’ll always be nothing but know-it-all”

Sometimes Rindou would come by your house to tend to your health after seeing you lose so much weight and letting yourself go, but you’d make sure to lock your doors–and windows–so that you didn’t have to face him because of how stupid you felt after not listening to him.

If you had stayed home, if you had just listened to Rindou, would things have been different? Would you still have Ran as your only friend?

Kokonoi

“What are you doing?” I questioned Kokonoi. He grits his teeth, his eyes narrowing as he furrows his brows. Pouting, you take a seat across from him in the library, smirking at his attempts to try to ignore your presence. “For a gangster, you sure do act childish, Kokonoi,” you mock. Yet, Kokonoi remained focused on what he was reading. “What would Akane think of you now if she saw you living the life of a thug?” Slam! Slowly looking up from where his attention was focused, he finally greets your devious gaze with a murderous look. “What the hell do you want?” “It’s such a shame,” fauxed disappointment crosses your features, “you would’ve been quite the guy if you weren’t living the life of scum.” You calmly sigh as you pick up the book that your old friend had slammed on the table. Koko was livid, blood boiling and all, but he’d be damned if he lost his composure and gave you the satisfying humiliation you sought in him, “I could say the same about you. Despite being the top student at your school, you have the mind of scum yourself,” he remarks. Chuckling, you shake your head, “No wonder why Inupi hasn’t abandoned you yet.” Your face drops, dead eyes boring into Kokonoi, “You’re so pitiful, even for a money-making genius.” On the outside, it would seem as if your words bounced right off of the collected male. However, deep down, his heart was bleeding slowly as you ridiculed him and exploited his trauma for your own benefit. He refused to give in to your sadistic satisfactions. Stubborn as he may be, Koko could never ignore or refuse the pain that came with your sharp words.

You and Kokonoi had fallen out of touch after the death of your friend Akane, due to the fact that you blamed him for just rescuing Inui and not Akane.

Both of you were smart, and were complete geniuses when it came to making money. And, despite being on bad terms with each other, you both silently competed with one another as to who could earn more money when the opportunity arose.

And, sure, you highly disliked Koko for his obsessiveness with Akane, but what really topped it off was when he had dragged Inui into the life of delinquency with him.

Sometimes, you’d wonder if Koko only stayed with Inupi because he looked so much like his sister, slowly coming to the realization that he never moved on from Akane.

You would worry that he’d possibly get Inupi killed due to his stubbornness and obsession, so from then on you did everything in your power to stop his efforts of success, even if it meant holding Akane's death over his head.

Fun fact: Your just as obsessed with Inupi as Koko is

When you see Inupi around school, you try to turn him against Kokonoi and try to convince him to come back to school and quit living as a thug.

Kokonoi does the same, but tries to manipulate him into believing that he’ll help him revive the Black Dragons to the way they are again.

Kazutora

“I’ll kill him,” Kazutora mutters as he throws another dart at Mikey’s picture. Rolling your eyes, you continue to tend to your studies on the floor. “Could you keep it down, I’m trying to study.” A sigh escapes your lips as you witness yet another dart pierce the picture of the young gang leader in the photo. “What do you even have against Mikey, he knows you didn’t mean-” “How the hell would you know?!” he suddenly shouts, his shadow swallowing your small frame as he towers over you with a hateful aura. You keep calm, gently placing your things down as you stand up to challenge the duel- hair colored boy. “Because if he thought you did it on purpose, he would’ve killed you by now.” He scoffs, “So you're taking his side huh? What? You want me gone too?” he growled. “What? No! I’m just saying, you don’t have to resort to violence to solve your problems!” you shoot back. “If you just-” “NO!” his raised voice catches you off guard, completely freezing you in place. “Why the hell should I listen to you when you don’t even know what it’s like to be in my place?” he hisses, glaring daggers at your cowering figure. “You grew up with a fucking spoon on a fucking silver platter. Even now, you get anything and everything without having to fight or work for it.” Your lips trembled as tears threatened to spill from your eyes. “Kazutora…t-that’s not… ” “It is! You’re just a spoiled bitch that gets what she wants because you had friends to support you. You had parents to support you. But guess what, not everyone has the life you live, so don’t tell me how to deal with my problems when you've never been through your own. God, why does a girl like you even exist?” It was as if your whole world was shattering all at once. Why did he say that? Was it all really true? Warm streaks of tears cascaded down your face as you slowly broke down at your friend’s words. “Wow,” he scoffs, rolling his eyes, “what the fuck are you crying for? If you’re really this miserable over a few words, then why don’t you do the world a fucking favor and go die somewhere. The last thing someone wants is a crybaby goodie-two-shoes.” “Why, Kazutora?” you whimper, “why are you saying this, I didn’t mean to-” “Get out.” “W-what?” Growling, he grabs your wrist and pulls you toward the door of his house, “I said,” he throws you down on the concrete of his porch along with your things, “Get the hell out! Go away! Go kill yourself and leave me be!”

That day, you didn’t understand why Kazutora drove you away, but regardless it didn’t stop you from going into a depression.

No matter how much you tried to study to drive away your thoughts, it wouldn’t work.

You couldn’t sleep at night, feeling guilty about your upbringing and thinking how much Kazutora had suffered in his past as a kid, while you sat home with everything you needed while your parents took care of everything.

You developed the habit of often apologizing for things that weren’t your fault and your self-esteem had gone down a lot, so you were constantly putting yourself down.

You hadn’t seen Kazutora that much during school either, but he certainly saw you, as well as the way your other friends would crowd around you, asking about your day and how you were feeling and complimenting the newest clothes you were wearing. It made him more pissed off seeing how you had the life he never got to have and yet despite what you were feeling, you still had people to support you.

On rare occasions when you did see Kazutora around school, he’d insult you or flat out curse you out whenever you so much as looked at him. He hated you with a passion and the fact that you were seeking him out caused him to fester his hatred.

Eventually, he escalated to bullying you when it was clear you wouldn’t leave him alone and you’d just accept because you thought that you deserved it.

One day, Kazutora had ended up having a group of gang members beat you until sunrise and afterwards you went home and ended up cutting your wrists. 

Your parents had to drive you to the hospital and when you had explained to them what happened and what you did, you never went back to school again and was homeschooled until further notice.

#tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers imagines #ran haitani #tokyo revengers scenarios #tokyo rev #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo rev angst #tokyo revengers angst #kokonoi hajime #kazutora x reader #kokonoi x reader #ran angst #ran x reader #tokyo revengers kokonoi #tokyo revengers ran #tokyorev ran #tokyorev kokonoi #tokyorev kazutora #tokyorev imagines #tokyorev x reader #tokyorev angst #tr ran #ran haitani angst #kokonoi angst #kokonoi x you #haitani ran #tr x reader #tr angst #tokyo rev x reader

[crash-bump-bring-the-whump]

Patient File: MO-1620

As with most other things, this has been burning in my brain for the last however long and I need to exorcise it by writing it down

TWs: captivity (imprisonment), discussions of self-worth, discussions of anxiety, discussions of trauma, self-flagellation, references to murder (including child murder), referenced but not discussed self-harm and suicidal ideation

The following is a transcript of Inmate MO-1620's visits with the facility psychologist and counselor, Dr. Juan Castillo. These documents contain confidential information. If you have received them in error, please destroy them immediately and notify the phone number on the cover sheet. Failure to do so may result in a felony punishable by a fine in any amount not exceeding $5,000, or imprisonment of not more than 5 years, or both, together with the costs of prosecution. For privacy, inmate names have been redacted in all places that they appear.

This document has been translated from Spanish to English, per written request.

BEGINNING OF TRANSCRIPT

XX/XX/XXXX - Session X

JC: Hello, XXXXX, it's good to meet you. You don't have to be nervous, this isn't a bad visit.

MO-1620: Can I ask why I'm here? They don't...usually let people talk to me.

JC: Of course. You're here because there's been talk of you being released early. I'm going to determine if you're ready for that over the next few weeks.

MO-1620: I...they can't do that. They shouldn't release me.

JC: Why is that?

MO-1620: You've seen my records. You know...you are aware of what I've done. They shouldn't let me out.

JC: I have seen your records. I've also seen your records of conduct during your sentence. I think you're a suitable candidate for release.

MO-1620: My conduct here does not mean anything. This isn't the real world.

JC: I think it does. I know during the incident in July, you didn't fight back. You chose to walk away.

MO-1620: It was not a situation that needed to be escalated. Anyone could see that XXXXX was...not in his right mind. He got bad news, I accidentally bumped into him on my way back from my yard time. I got hit. It was nothing to fight over. The guards got him away before anything could even happen, anyway.

JC: Most people in that situation would've fought back. Why didn't you? You hadn't done anything wrong.

MO-1620: It wasn't necessary. I don't like...I don't like hurting people. I don't want to hurt anyone again.

JC: So following that logic, why are you not a good candidate for early release?

MO-1620: I didn't want to hurt the people I killed, either. I still did it when I was told to. I can't be trusted with freedom.

JC: XXXXX, you were in a difficult position. Youngest member of your team, given the most unpleasant tasks, and threatened with punishment if you didn't fulfill them. You reported everything that was happening, as well, to the public and media. Don't you think that deserves some consideration?

MO-1620: No.

JC: Why not?

MO-1620: Those are excuses given to justify behavior. I've burned people alive. I've killed entire towns with nothing but my casting gloves and a handgun. People have begged me for their lives, for their children's lives, and I ignored them. You cannot ever justify that. You cannot justify any of that.

JC: Your hands are shaking. Are you angry at me?

MO-1620: No.

JC: Are you upset?

MO-1620: No. I am sick. I'd like to go back to my cell, please.

JC: Alright, lean back and I'll call someone in.

XX/XX/XXXX- Session X

JC: Welcome back, XXXXX. How are you feeling?

MO-1620: I'm nervous.

JC: What has you nervous? Nothing will happen to you in here.

MO-1620: I know. I...am just a nervous person, I think. You are...you are kind, though. I apologize for how I ended our last session.

JC: No, I think that was the healthiest thing you could've done. Leaving a situation to calm down is a good way to deal with hard emotions when you don't have other options.

MO-1620: That's very generous of you to say. I felt like I was being dramatic. Throwing a tantrum.

JC: I didn't think so. I do think that you tend to judge yourself very harshly, though.

MO-1620: I don't understand what you mean.

JC: You seem like you take a very harsh stance on your own actions, with very little room for compassion or understanding.

MO-1620: I have to make sure that I don't slip up. I'm...very dangerous.

JC: I don't think you're dangerous. You have the potential for danger, just like anyone else, but I don't feel like I'm in danger right now.

MO-1620: Of course not. The people who raise lions and tigers in their home don't feel like they're in danger, either. But something always happens.

JC: Are you just a lion or a tiger, trapped in someone's home?

MO-1620: I might as well be. I can't hurt people in here. I don't see anyone that I could hurt. It's safest for me to be here.

JC: Don't you feel lonely staying in here?

MO-1620: I do. That's alright.

JC: Why is it alright?

MO-1620: I think being lonely is the least I could do.

JC: Can you elaborate on that?

MO-1620: I took people's families from them. Partners, friends, there are a lot more lonely people in the world now, because of me.

JC: You being lonely won't bring them back

MO-1620: It won't. But neither will me living a life that those people won't ever get to experience again. I still don't understand why my sentence was so light compared to the others.

JC: So you should be punished until you die?

MO-1620: I think so, yes.

JC: That's not a very healthy mindset.

MO-1620: Why should I get the privilege of health?

JC: You're a human being, I think every human being deserves health.

MO-1620: I think that's a bit of a stretch.

JC: Are you not a human being?

MO-1620: No, not anymore. I threw that away when XXXXX told me to start razing XXXXX and I did it.

[Two minutes of silence follow]

MO-1620: I think I'd like to go back to my cell, please, Doctor Castillo.

DD/MM/YYYY - Session X

JC: XXXXX, it's good to see you again. How have you been these last few weeks?

MO-1620: It...is good to see you too. I...have been better. I have also been worse, though.

JC: It's important not to get caught up in minimizing your own pain just because you've experienced worse.

MO-1620: I...I apologize.

JC: My feelings aren't hurt. What has you feeling bad?

MO-1620: I just can't understand what you see in me. It's confusing. I've done some of the worst things someone can do. How could I ever be fit to go back to...to a normal life?

JC: I focus on your current behavior, not your past.

MO-1620: Why is that...okay? Why do you do that?

JC: People can change. Not everyone will, but some people can. I think you're a different person than you were when you hurt those people.

MO-1620: What makes you so sure? I...I feel the same. I don't think I'm any different.

JC: Change isn't some big, sweeping thing. Not permanent change, anyway. It has to be small, and gradual. Sometimes we don't even notice it. I think you've been doing that. I've seen the books you've been checking out. Why have you been focusing on self-help and communication books?

MO-1620: I want...to understand people better. I don't understand others very well. It makes things hard.

JC: Someone who didn't care about hurting others wouldn't care about understanding them.

MO-1620: Maybe. You talk like I deserve to be forgiven, though.

JC: I think it should be on the table. You might not be able to forgive yourself now, but I don't think it should be off-limits forever.

MO-1620: That is not mine to give, though.

JC: Forgiveness?

MO-1620: Yes. Forgiveness for how I hurt others is not something I get to give to myself. That doesn't make sense. I wasn't the one hurt.

JC: I think you were.

MO-1620: How was I hurt? I did the hurting. It's selfish to make this about me and my feelings.

JC: These sessions are all about you. If there's a time to explore something that feels selfish, now is the perfect time. I can't imagine it was fun to do all of that.

MO-1620: There was adrenaline, but...you're right. It wasn't something I liked. I didn't want to do it.

JC: You wanted to stop so badly that you almost beat someone to death.

MO-1620: I...did. I did that, yes. It was not the way I should've handled it. I shouldn't have touched our superior officer.

JC: But nothing else worked. You don't immediately jump to violence. Should you never be forgiven for hurting your superior officer?

MO-1620: No, I shouldn't. I think he deserved it, but I still shouldn't forgive myself for it. I'm not a good judge of what is right or wrong.

JC: Because you trusted the people in charge of you?

MO-1620: Because I knew better, and still made excuses. I made excuses to myself until I couldn't look either my leader or super in the eye without wanting to vomit. I should've taken the torture training instead. I should've accepted the punishments. They couldn't kill me and get away with it, and I knew that. I should've done anything but what I did. The only thing I did right was turn us all in.

JC: I think most people would've done what you did in your position.

MO-1620: I don't think that makes it okay, or forgivable.

JC: I think it does. I think you don't want to admit that it was traumatic to go through all of that, because you happened to also hurt others. But it wasn't fun. I think it hurt you a lot to do those things. I think it was scary to have those threats made if you didn't obey orders.

MO-1620: I...I think I deserve to hurt like this, though. It's fair.

JC: It's fair?

MO-1620: I shouldn't ever forget, or get too comfortable. If it helps me remember, and if it helps me stay in line...I think it's fair. I'll take that.

JC: I see. Would you like a tissue, XXXXX?

MO-1620: ...Yes. Yes, please.

JC: Take your time, and then I'll let them take you back. I think it's a good time to end today.

MO-1620: Thank you, Doctor Castillo.

XX/XX/XXXX - Session X

JC: Hello again. XXXXX. You don't look well, are you feeling alright?

MO-1620: I haven't been sleeping very well. The guards tell me that you are saying I should be released next month. I...I don't understand.

JC: You've demonstrated self-restraint, self-awareness, and a deep remorse for your actions. You haven't participated in so much as an argument in your years here, either. Unless you've somehow managed to fool someone who's caught serial killers in their games, you aren't going to re-offend.

MO-1620: I...I am very afraid, Doctor Castillo. I do not know how to...to say how I'm feeling. It doesn't feel like you've been listening to me at all.

JC: I've been listening more than you think I have. You are...what, XX years old? I've been doing this since before you were born, XXXXX. I've talked to guys who've done what you did before. You're not my first violent offender. You know how many have begged me to stay here, because they were afraid they'd hurt someone else?

MO-1620: Not...many?

JC: You have. You and one other have begged to stay. The rest have all but promised me their first-born to get out of here early. So no. You will not be staying.

MO-1620: What if I mess up again? What if more people end up dead? I cannot handle that. I don't know what I'd do if that happened.

JC: You don't have to know. No one else will die because of you, because you aren't going to do that again. You don't trust yourself enough to even come close to being in a position to do that again. I'd be surprised if you felt confident enough to care for a pet rock when you're released. You will be fine out there.

[One minute of silence follows. Unintelligible noises can be heard, but the recording is too low quality to discern the source. The noise gradually becomes clearer and can be identified as MO-1620 crying.]

JC: Alright, none of that, hands on the chair arms. Good, good. Just like that. Breathe. Here are the tissues. I'll tell them to take you back. Not to your cell yet, you're on a watch. You can go back to your cell afterwards, then we'll get you ready to get out of here.

[A beep can be heard]

JC: Can I get Rodriguez in here? No, no. Nothing like that. Yeah, looks like a panic attack. Just for a few days, maybe a week. Yes. Just to be sure he makes it to release date. No, we certainly don't need a repeat of the XXXXX situation.

[A door squeaks open]

Off. R: Is this...him? XXXXX XXXXX? The one who...

JC: Yes. I think he'll need some help--yes, it's safe. He won't hurt you, if he could I would've asked for Ortega. Just like this, at his elbow. There. I'll call Medical and ask them to send down something to help keep him calm.

JC: I'll check on you later, XXXXX. You'll be fine. Just breathe.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

My analysis of MO-1620 is such: He is safe to return to society. He has expressed marked improvements in behavior, judgement, and habits, along with regret and a strong desire to not re-offend. Additionally, the differences between his actions and those on his team are large enough that I support the proposal put forth by Judge Miranda.

Dr. Juan Castillo

Dr. Juan Castillo

XX/XX/XXXX

#whump #emotional whump #captivity #imprisonment #mage of violence #self loathing #anxiety / #self harm mention #suicide mention #murder mention

[flying-thing]

Feel my Heartbeat

This is a request from @sxiren !!

Summary: Nimona has the best girlfriend someone could ask for. She does everything with her. She makes Nimona feel so lovey-dovey and soft. It's glorious. They fight for each other and have the best of times. They gain an accepting father figure after such a long line of hostility and join the fight for his innocence.

What happens when all the good comes crashing down?

Or

The angst I've been dying to write. You guys are going to hate me <3

CW: blood, panic attacks caused by PTSD, death, suicidal tendencies

Side note: I'm sorry if this is incoherent, it was very late when I wrote this. I hope it isn't too bad though :))

Word Count: 1431

-------------------------------------------------------

The video finally got posted. Everything would be fixed now. You and Nimona would no longer be called "monster" and Ballistar would get the redemption he's been chasing for so long. The relief is overwhelming.

A large grin appears on the three of your faces and the radio changes from the seemingly endless advertisements to upbeat music. You can't help yourself as you start to move to the rhythm. Nimona joins you and giggles ensue as you both dance around and on the couch. Ballistar changes the lights to better fit the mood and grabs sunglasses from out of nowhere and puts them on his face.

Nothing would ever be better than having a dance party after ruining someone's life. You guys are singing to the music through laughs and shouts of excitement.

All of a sudden, Nimona grabs your waist and lifts you off the ground to spin you a few times. Your hands hold onto her shoulders and flight has never been so easy as it was in that moment. She kisses you with slightly chapped lips and she places you back on the ground.

You kiss her again and you can see Ballistar with a grin on his face when you pull away. Nimona then turns into a shark and you feel the shiver of your body changing as you into one as well. The arm wave that happens after is without a doubt something you'll remember forever. This was such a bonding moment for the three of you and something as small as this felt so big.

It is so crazy that Ballistar was reluctant to even talk to you at first and here he is dancing with you and having the time of your lives.

You guys settle down after a while and watch TV. You sit next to Nimona, with her in the middle. She is resting her head on your shoulder and you know that she will be asleep before too much longer. You gently tangle your hand in her hair as you both maneuver to where you're laying down with her on your chest. She starts to purr and settle down more from the sound of your heartbeat.

You can hear her soft snores and you are soon overcome with sleepiness that you are also lulled to sleep.

You wake up to the sound of upset voices and banging on the door. Your eyes snap open and you see the pink flash of Nimona shifting and Ballistar standing tense and helpless. Without hesitation, you follow Nimona and leave the knight behind.

"Nimona! Wait up. Where are you going?" You ask as you fly next to her. She doesn't seem to hear you and just keeps running. She suddenly stops when she comes face-to-face with the well that has plagued her mind for a millennium. Her breath catches in her throat and you can see her eyes glaze over.

You shift into your human form and try to get in front of her to calm her down before something bad happens. "Nimona," you call softly. "Lovely, you're safe. No one is trying to hurt you."

You keep your distance as she thrashes around, continuously shifting into different creatures. When she goes into her child form, you rush towards her and hug her. You hold her tightly even as she struggles to get away from you. You know this is a bad idea, but better you than the knights that are coming this way.

Her hand is suddenly inside of your stomach and your eyes widen in shock. She seems to snap out of it and looks between you and the blood soaking into her skin.

"No no no no no no! I'm sorry. Shit, I'm sorry. Look at me don't- don't look down, okay? It's going to be okay, I promise." Fear is heavily laced in her voice and the tears start to fall down her face. "I'll fix it. I can't lose you too. I'm sorry," she says sadly.

She keeps you both as still as possible but your knees buckle and you are both on the ground as her hand goes deeper into your abdomen. Your voice has left you and you're desperately trying to keep calm for her

You grab her other hand for stability while your breaths get shallower by the second. "It's okay, Nimona. You're right. It's going to be okay. You're alright," you groan out with your eyes closed. She shakes her head and lays their forehead on your shoulder.

"It's all my fault. I'm so stupid, I'm sorry," they sob. "Stop apologizing. Please." Just because you don't get to die peacefully doesn't mean you want to die with apologies bouncing around your head while you slip into the darkness that's clouding your vision.

"I forgive you. It's not your fault. It's okay."

You kiss her gently and relax into the ground more. She meets your unfocused gaze with shock and sadness. He slowly removes her hand from the wound after she finally realizes that she can't stop it. She applies pressure to it, but to no avail.

Nimona cries into your shoulder and you close your eyes, tears falling steadily down your face as well. As each second goes by, you can feel your senses start to leave you and you start to panic.

"Nimona," you mumble. She perks up immediately to look at you. You try to look in her direction as you say, "I love you."

"I love you too." She says, watching as you take your last breath. When your chest stops moving, she starts full on sobbing. Their sadness turns into rage and she stands up as she goes through her transformation. Nimona never thought he would be this way again and that makes her more upset.

She found you and her world changed forever. There was never any reason for his negative feelings when you were around. You helped her calm down and feel good all the time. But now you're gone. There's nothing stopping her carnage now. They'll destroy everything inside these walls. It would all be gone when she was done with it.

She screamed when she was fully in her "monster form" and started her short journey to the city. They did this to her and made her kill the love of her life, so why should she die while they live? It's not fair.

Ballistar escaped from the guards and ran in the general direction of where you two went. He saw Nimona's form and ran faster. He came up short when he saw your body lay limp and bloody in the dim moonlight. He pauses for a moment, trying to process what's happened.

Grief-filled determination runs through his veins along with adrenaline. He hurries towards the city after paying quick respects to you. He doesn't have time to mourn right now and he doesn't want to lose another kid.

Buildings are already rubble in Nimona's path and he hollers for her. She pays him no mind as they travel to the heart of the city. When he gets to the statue, she pauses when seeing Ballistar up on the sword.

"Nimona! Stop!" Ballistar calls out. She stays still and a growl rumbles out of her throat. "You don't want to do this! This isn't what she would have wanted! You know that!"

Nimona screams again, but this time in agony. None of this should have happened. It was her fault, in the end. If he had never pursued Ballistar's attention with you, you wouldn't be dead. This realization makes them feel worse.

She wants to run that sword into her heart. He deserves it. They just want to be with you again. She walks forward and puts her heart to the tip of the golden sword on the statue.

"No!" Shouts Ballistar. He pushes against her and Nimona can no longer choose what she wants more. Parental love that she has missed or that sweet taste of death that you'd saved her from. Suddenly, your voice rings in her head.

"Doing this won't help anything. It won't make it better. You're so strong, Nimona. Show me that strength again, okay?"

The memory of you telling him that makes them want to sob. She transforms back into a human and runs into Ballistar's arms. It doesn't take long for tears to be rushing down her face and onto his armour.

"I'm sorry. So-so sorry," Nimona cries. Ballistar rubs her back and doesn't lessen his hold on her for even a moment.

Not even when the green blast hits them.

#nimona #nimona movie #author #writing #request #no y/n #reader insert #mixed pronouns because nimona is genderfluid and deserves all of the pronouns and quite literally the world #ballistar blackheart #angst #grief #anger

[celecaster]

It's so petty and mean-spirited of me to feel this way but I really do miss my past LO and even though I don't resent the specific fact that they didn't like me I think I'm beginning to realise I resent that they were nice to me while also verbally expressing their distaste and apathy towards me. It made me so uncertain then and it makes me uncertain now.

Even though they don't 'owe' it to me I'm more depressed than I should be at how they never clarified anything to me in the end, and I feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I feel this downtrodden over what is essentially nothing. I feel like if I'm going to be this depressed it should be over a bigger problem that justifies it.

I just don't understand what reason they had to reach out to me or pay attention to me while also telling me I was uninteresting and that they had no concern about what happens to me, I wish they at least had the decency to have been honest about what they were trying to get out of me when I tried my best to be honest with them. If anything I feel like they insinuated I was a liar. What do I do? I don't want to be upset about this and I know I shouldn't be. I know they will never explain anything to me and I can't blame them for it.

I hate this feeling where the only solution is to suck it up. I can't! I can't! I don't know how I'm going to get used to the feeling, just thinking about it makes my suicidality worse! And I feel embarrassed for letting something this miniscule be enough to trigger my suicidal feelings!

What's wrong with me? You're the one who talked to me first! All I wanted was for you to answer the things I asked of you, if you found me so detestable, I don't know why you ever tried to talk to me so much in the first place!

I don't know what to do, I just wish something would distract me because I'm tired of thinking about this every day, I'm exhausted by how embarrassed I am knowing this is such a nothingburger to be upset about, most of all I feel entitled because I know I don't have the right to be upset in the first place. I want somebody to tell me what to do or to help me even though I know that won't actually help.

I often feel like the only reason I won't kill myself is I'm afraid they'll find out somehow through the grapevine since they're in the circle of my other mutuals and I don't want them to feel bad about what happens to me! If you found me so disdainful I don't know why you ever bothered talking to me at all, I feel stupid and evil enough already without needing to be made out as dense and incapable of considering other people's feelings!

#I wish I could hate people if it meant I would have to stop facing the shame of blaming myself for everything #But I can't #I can't actually hate that person nor wish ill upon them #I just want to kill myself so I don't have to think about it anymore #I know we were never that close they were just the only person who talked to me during some of the most depressing months of last year #and while it wasn't the only/main factor not talking to them anymore contributed to my suicide attempt last December #but I don't want it to sound like I 'blame' them for it #it's more that it's so much harder for me to care about people than to accept people care about me #Not being able to even be allowed to exist in the same vicinity of people I care for just makes me so sad #I always worry about them for no reason #I feel like the very act of me feeling concern for other people is seen as intrusive and disgusting #I don't need or want others to love me so much as I don't want to feel like I'm being so stupid irrational and evil for caring about them

[brandnewhuman]

FACE IT

Starring:

Big sad robo boy Nines and his mean himbo human Gavin Reed

CONTENT:

Tw: description of panic attack, mention of suicide. Mature language, THERE'S ANGST BUT THIS TIME I HAD THE DECENCY TO ADD COMFORT DW. Gavin just being Gavin I guess and nines having big ass feelings

Summary: Gavin finally succeeds in his questionable attempt at make Nines vent

A/n: I'm having too much fun in my own little Dbh world lately. Kamcon has already gone through my atrocious writing so now it's reed900 turn. I WAS WATCHING I,ROBOT A FEW DAYS AGO SO YOU ALL KNOW WHERE THE ANSGT IS COMING FROM. Shout-out to @the-anxious-youth for helping me so much with this and for putting up with me and my Dbh brainrot bullshit lol. AND @hamartia-grander I TOLD YOU I WOULD TAG YOU SO HERE YOU GO, I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

\\\

The car ride was uncomfortably quiet and it was driving Nines insane. He could feel the mean comment from Gavin coming and he found himself wishing he would just get over it and say it, to just start the inevitable argument that was about to happen. He hated that feeling, the gnawing dread of knowing someone was judging him and he couldn't do anything about it.

He couldn't for the life of him understand why the detective seemed to have all this hatred for him, considering he has been beyond patient and accommodating as a partner.

He knew why other people avoided him, why rooms seemed to quiet down as soon as he put a foot in them, he knew why everyone tried to avoid asking him anything as much as possible. He's scary, he's intimidating and unsettling, and he knows it. He also knows too that when people look at him they can't help but see Connor and then get disappointed when the similarities between his brother and him are just merely physical. He has learned recently after recent events that their physical likeness makes people ever more upset and avoid him.

But, sometimes, Gavin's behaviour towards him seemed to go so far beyond his distaste for androids, it felt personal. Every time they seem to get close to what one could call friendship something happens and they get to square one, getting at each other's throat and tearing apart all the progress they've made.

While normally it doesn't affect Nines too much, he had started to notice certain things the detective said seemed to cut through his wall of indifference, he felt hurt like really hurt all of the sudden and it only made him even more stressed.

Maybe it was his already heavy baggage of personal matters that was starting to catch on with him or maybe it was the fact that the detective's opinion mattered more than what he would like to admit, but he did find it increasingly more difficult to recover from his arguments with Gavin.

Admittedly lately, the reason for his annoyance towards the detective wasn't really about arguments or fights since they have been surprisingly sporadic nowadays. It was more about the detective trying to get some sort of reaction out of him for almost everything. Going out of his way to mind Nines's businesses and, rather rudely sometimes, doubt his deviancy.

Normally he would just deal with all of that by ignoring him and move Gavin's focus towards other things but today everything was going just… wrong. The day couldn't go any slower and the entire universe seemed hellbent testing his already thin mental stability. It shouldn't be surprising that Gavin would push it even further too.

"You're not gonna say anything tin can? I mean…that girl died in front of you and you didn't even flinch" His voice was unusually calm, somewhat tired. He kept his eyes on the road, a frown on his face as his grip loosened on the wheel.

"There's nothing to say detective, the android was going to self-destruct regardless. Besides, I don't make a habit of making cases a personal affair to me" the rk900 replied with his usual flat, matter-of-fact tone. He hated it, it only proved Gavin's point more. His eyes kept observing the empty night streets of Detroit outside the window. He wasn't sure looking at Gavin right now would make any good to his already foul mood.

The detective scoffed softly and shook his head. "So that's it for you, why care if they're gonna kill themselves anyway?" He retorted, his words didn't carry the usual harshness or spiteful tone that seemed to come so naturally out of Gavin. No, it was something even worse, it was disappointment.

The thing is, Gavin wasn't disappointed. If anything, he was worried, like he has been ever since Connor had been gone.

Nines was this unbreakable and unfailable force of nature who never took a wrong step or showed weakness, a perfect and balanced being always accomplishing every mission with a perfect score. And for the longest time, it made Gavin melt in pure fury, to see how everything he had worked so hard to achieve was so easy to do for Nines. Even if the android was guilty of Gavin's worst traits too he seemed to pull them off as something useful and almost admirable, while on Gavin they were just a list of his countless bad qualities that would always set him up for failure.

Now it was just sickening to see how much they share, how much of his self-destructive nature Nines seemed to have. He wasn't perfect, he was just ready to ruin his life to prove he could be.

He couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment he realised the unbelievable pressure the android put on himself but he knew that somewhere along the way he just couldn't find it in himself to be so hard with Nines on purpose.

He knew being such an ass right now was uncalled for but he recognised the signs of someone just bottling everything inside, he knew what would come out of it too and wanted nothing more than to spare it to Nines.

He needed to get it all out and Gavin knew that a more gentle approach would work on other people but not on Nines, so being an ass had to do it.

They had come to a point of what he would like to think of as more than just work partners (god knows that Nines had to endure too many of Gavin's personal and embarrassing moments to be just called a coworker) and to hurt his feelings was something Gavin was certainly not enjoying but he just kept pushing through it, telling himself that it for the sake of his beloved tin can.

"Do you feel fucking bad at least? Did you think about doing something?" He took his eyes off the road for a second to look at the android. His led has been spinning a steady red ever since they left the scene and honestly it was starting to scare the shit out of Gavin.

Suddenly Nines felt very self-conscious of his led but didn't feel like doing anything to change it besides tilting his head a little bit more towards the window.

"There wasn't anything for me to do." The android replied quietly. He just wanted to get home as soon as possible and forget everything about today.

He did feel bad, horrible even but he just couldn't bring it out and it was making him even angrier than it was making Gavin disappointed.

It was an easy case, something he could've handled without a bat of an eye but he froze. The android that was still there, hiding away in the crime scene, shot herself just when Nines and Gavin found her.

She was responsible for the body bleeding out not far from where she hid, there was no doubt. And she was…so scared. Even without interfacing, he was able to see this was a self-defence case, but she was terrified and even more when she laid her eyes upon Nines. That stare he would get from some people at the police station, that glance of fear, it was the same she was holding then. He was so close he could've stopped her but he just couldn't, something inside him, like a glitch, rooted him in place.

He couldn't explain why he didn't do anything, or rather he didn't want to admit why he just froze. One thing was certain, it wasn't because he didn't care

It had been too many things at once; she reminded him in some unexplainable way of Connor, of how he looked the last time he saw him. She reminded him of the androids that more often than not, upon seeing him, still seemed uncomfortable and intimidated. It felt like suddenly all that was making him feel bad became too loud and big to ignore it.

He knows how it must have looked from the outside, him just staring without doing anything to stop her from killing herself. But he was just struck down by a violent wave of really overwhelming and negative emotions.

Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was her body flopping to the floor and the thirium spluttering out of her head.

His led spinned a darker shade of red and he rolled slightly his shoulders to try and get some tension off.

Gavin's grey eyes trained forward, trying to not dwell too much on what he was about to say. "God…you really don't feel fucking anything don't you tin can? Are you even sure you're a deviant? Cause it sure doesn't seem like it" he breathed out, sighing a humourless laugh.

Nines's hands, which neatly folded on his lap, clenched slightly and his whole body tensed. "Detective Reed, I think I have made it clear that there was nothing else to do. The case has been closed" his voice was low and dark, it didn't leave any room to misinterpret what he meant with his last sentence.

"Why are you so defensive, uh tin can? Are you angry because the suspect got away? Is that it?" Gavin replied with his most sarcastic tone, swallowing hard as the tension grew inside the vehicle. He wouldn't let Nines's intimidation tactics stir him away, not this time.

"You said yourself, you don't get invested during cases so why are you so fucking aggressive about it?" He stole a glance at the android, the window reflecting a very dark and concerning red light from his temple. "Why don't you fucking say the truth? I felt worse than you and it's not even one of my own"

"Detective Reed, you're deliberately twisting the situation more than-"

"No cause everyone gives me shit for being insensitive or rude but you-" he breathed out a bitter laugh "you get the fucking shit cake of insensitivity. A girl kills herself in front of you and you just fucking get over it like nothing"

"Detective, It's enough."

"All those fucking emotions you say you have, are they even there?"

"Reed, you're pushing it." The android muttered through gritted teeth. His jaw piece could've snapped from how hard he was clenching it.

Gavin could swear that if Nines needed to breathe his breaths would be laboured from anger, but he couldn't stop "why? Why should I care? You didn't give a single flying fuck, why should I then?"

"Gavin."

"Admit it!! Just fucking say it!! Stop pretending to be a fucking person and just get over it and fucking admit it!!" The man demanded. His voice matched Nines's in intensity, his knuckles turning white from his tight grip on the wheel and his shoulders tense under the pressure of the imminent outburst on the android's part.

"Shut up…shut up shut up SHUT UP!" Nine's usually flat voice seemed unnatural when he shouted, his head snapping towards Gavin with a murderous look in his eyes. He was glaring at Gavin with such intensity he would've expected the man to just start to burn spontaneously. He could feel every beat of his thirium pump inside his ears and his HUD was flooded with flashy and red warnings of high-level stress.

Gavin flinched slightly at the sight and thanked God he was able to stop the car since they were on a relatively isolated road, he didn't trust himself to keep driving. He felt incredibly small now against Nines rage, mostly because he was caught by surprise rather than from actual fear.

"I do care!! I don't fucking understand why is so vital for you to know but I do!! I feel SICK I can't even fucking think properly because all I hear is her bloody head getting blown off!!" The rk900 upper lip twitched with anger with every word, his hands were now closed in fists. His eyes were no longer a light calm blue but rather a darker and angry one.

"I don't what the fuck have I done to you to be always so hellbent on tormenting me with the most hurtful things Reed but I'm. Done. YOU HEAR ME?! Done." His voice trembled lightly and his eyes sported what seemed the glossy tells of blue tears.

All Gavin could do was watch and let him talk, flinching slightly every time Nines raised his voice. He was afraid that if he tried to interrupt the android would just try to recollect himself as always so he did his best to not just blurt out a string of apologies.

"I'm. Not. A. Bad. Person." Nines hissed, his lips trembling with every word, struggling to not let his impending tears make him stutter. "I know what I was created for and what everyone seems to think of me but that doesn't give any of you the right to make me feel bad just over something I CAN'T FUCKING HELP!" he shouted once more.

He closed his eyes as if he was blinded by his anger which at the same time freed the tears, his hands and body were now shaking. Gavin wished for nothing more than to reach out and dry his tears, his face contorted in distress as he had to watch the seemingly always put-together android fall apart.

"EVERYONE acts like this I'm fucking monster and It's not fair, it's NOT!" His silent tears were now starting to turn into violent sobs, he couldn't stop shaking and somehow it felt like his thirium pump had grown in size and it was threatening to burst out of his ribcage.

Logically he knew that he couldn't experience pain but he did and it was making him panic. He leaned slightly forward, gripping his chest and squeezing his eyes shut as hard as possible, desperately trying to shut down all the angry alerts displayed in his HUD.

"I know that everyone looks at me and sees him and they ask themselves why the hell I'm not as gentle and kind as him. Do you know how it feels reed? DO YOU?! To know that all people can see it's the stupid reminder that the version of their friend that didn't like it's there while THE OTHER HAS DIED!" his yelling was more of a strained cry and to get it all out he had to shake his head slightly. His sobs were so violent that he had to lean forward to curl on himself as possible, just to feel some pressure over his chest so it would make the weird sensation of being seconds away from a heart attack go away.

Panic flooded through Gavin's veins and he felt his heart drop to the darkest pit of his stomach

"shit shit! Nines hey! I'm sorry, okay?! But you need to calm down I was just-" The detective tried to reach for the android's hands that were clawing at his chest but Nines flinched away, like a wild hurt animal trying to protect himself

"D-don't." Nines sneered at him, giving him a look more akin to panic than to anger. His lips quivered slightly as fury washed over him once again.

"you…you're always saying the most horrible things, you're always making me feel like nothing more than a heartless piece of plastic." The android voice was barely a whisper now. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, almost trying to swallow back his words just to fail miserably.

"I don't have anyone Gavin, anyone left…

except you.." another sob racked his body before he breathed out a humourless laugh "and..and you don't even like me!!..." he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, his face scrunching in pain and with the struggle of trying to stop crying.

"Connor is gone and Hank too and I don't have anything left and…" he paused, taking a useless deep breath, running his hands through his hair desperately. Never once opening his eyes.

" I didn't want her to die," he explained with a strained voice. His face twitched as he tried to hold back the tears.

"She reminded me of him and I couldn't take it and I didn't want to touch her 'cause I didn't want to feel her die. I didn't want to-...i-" he tilted his head to the other side, hiding it with his arms so Gavin couldn't see his face, even if now was too late for that.

"I didn't want to feel what Connor felt when he…" he clenched his jaw so hard that a warning of facial damage popped into his hud. He felt empty and so tired which he had never thought possible but he did. He just felt like with every word a piece of him dissolved away with them.

He felt like if he finished that sentence then he would never be able to pull himself back together, that he would just break into pieces and it would never be okay again.

It seemed like some sort of understanding settled between the two of them at the mention of Connor's name since Gavin didn't try to mutter a single word about what Nines had left unsaid. During the android's rant he just listened, truly listened, and watched his friend crumble under the weight of his own sorrow.

He could feel his own eyes getting wet as Nines kept talking, holding his breath hoping it would make his heart slow down and hurt less. He forcefully pulled himself together before Nines could see him.

The android turned his head to look at the detective, lowering his arms to fully face him. He could only imagine what he looked like right now. His hair was a mess, his face coloured with the blue android version of a blush, a shade lighter of thirium staining every corner of his cheeks and eyes.

"I know you're not a bad person Nines…" Gavin mentally applauded himself for being able to keep a steady voice without breaking eye contact with his partner. He fidgeted frantically with a loose thread of his jacket, swallowing hard as he racked his brain to find the right words, "I know you miss him, and that you feel alone. I can see that all this emotions stuff is fucking hard for you" he allowed himself to tear his eyes away from Nines for the sake of not losing the small amount of courage he has managed to gather, "The thing is…that feelings suck ass for everyone and no one knows how to make it better" his breath hitched slightly and his eyes flickered towards the android before glancing back at his hands.

Nines gaze seemed empty and for a moment it could've looked like he wasn't listening at all, but he was. He didn't move an inch while the detective talked, letting his voice drown out his own thoughts and focusing on what he was saying instead of what was going on inside of him.

"What I'm trying to say tincan is that…" his lips twitched slightly as he tried to put together his poor attempt at comforting his disheartened android, "Nines, nothing bad, and i mean nothing, is going to happen if you admit you're not feeling great. Or that you're feeling something in general" this time his own grey eyes holded the android's blue gaze without hesitation.

Gavin's face and voice held nothing but genuine understanding and Nines seemed to flourish under it. It spread through his whole body as some sort of warm and calming wave making his led go back gradually to a serene blue, the tension on his synthetic muscles finally rolling off. The effects of Gavin's words were in equal parts scary and exhilarating in how they made Nines feel.

The realisation of how well Gavin could read him came so suddenly it almost left the android feeling dizzy. It sounded a lot like a corny movie cliché but everything seemed to finally come together in his puzzle of very confusing and frustrating interactions with the detective that always left him feeling as if Reed's animosity was with the purpose of just making his life miserable. How wrong he had been and how much his own distress clouded his judgement to think that all of this was just part of some childish rivalry between them.

Nines shouldn't have found it as surprising as he did that Gavin's help came in the form of aggression.

The detective didn't need a reply from the android to know that somehow the message had gone through. He nodded slightly more to himself than to Nines and allowed the humming from his car engine to fill the silence that had somehow become comfortable and free of the previous tension. A pair of blue eyes glanced from time to time at him with an almost shy gaze in them, making his features softened everytime a little more.

Despite the arguments and the fights or how much they would end up offending each other, Gavin wasn't just all he had but all he needed, whether he wanted to admit it or not. One day, he promised to himself, he would tell Gavin how much this meant to him.

#reed900 #dbh #nines #nines dbh #gavin reed #gavin reed dbh #upgraded connor rk900 #rk900 nines #dbh fandom #detroit become human #detroit become human fandom

[spaghettificationandpretzels]

The Reaper and The Death Angel Part 43

This chapter is so super long, the season 4 adjacent plot line should be done by chapter 44. My life is still shit but as always, chapters will be put out no matter what.

Series Masterlist

Part 42

Contains: Angst, blood, surgery, fluff, hurt/comfort, discussions of suicide marked with XXX, protective Jax, caretaker Jax, domestic violence follows the plot of 4x09 -4x10, more serious plot changes, like so many the canon is just a dead shell in the corner, nightmares, panic attacks.

7.3K Words

Comment if you want to be tagged/removed or follow #the reaper and the death angel.

Disaster strikes

"The fundraiser went over well."

Ima handed you the Charming Gazette, "wow, Oswald will have a lifetime seat if he keeps going like this. Did juice fix your servers?"

She nodded, "yep, it took a while but we're back to full speed. Have you heard from the flower people?"

You nodded, "yep, they will have the sunflowers delivered the day before and they will be able to provide the giant ones for the centrepieces. Billy has booked out the hall so you're basically all set."

She smiled, "that was a lot easier than I thought it would be."

You shook your head, "other people are the problem, wait till you get someone who wants to invite four plus ones."

"I'll just let you deal with them."

You nodded, "hell yeah, I'll make sure no one causes you problems. Have you heard anything from your parents?"

Her face fell, "they don't want anything to do with it."

You shrugged, "then they don't deserve to spend your special day with you."

"Hey Juicy, is everything alright?"

He sat down on the couch in your office, Abel walking over from his play space to show Juice his drawing "yeah, I just wanted to have some time away from it all, and you said I could stop by at anytime."

You nodded, "well, take all the time you need, I've got a post to do so just find me if you need anything."

When you returned to your office half an hour later, Juice was sitting at the tiny plastic table reading Abel one of his books. "You're really good with him."

Juice smiled, "thanks, I better get back. Thank you for letting me stay here."

You smiled, "no problem, you sure you're doing ok?"

He shrugged, "there's been a lot going on."

You sat down on the couch and patted the cushion for him to sit next to you, "you wanna tell me about it."

He took a deep breath, "I don't know what to do anymore, the time inside, Miles. Everything feels so upside down."

You nodded, "I can understand that, not to mention you had everything happen with Potter. You have every reason to be upset."

"What do I do?"

You place a hand on his shoulder, "you remember that you've made it up till now and you take it one day at a time, hell, one hour at a time. You'll be fine Juice and if you need anything at anytime, just ask."

He offered you a soft smile and left, running into Jax in the hall, "what are you doing here?"

Juice swallowed, "just looking for an update on Miles, I was hoping she might find something new."

Abel raced up to Jax when he walked into your office, "did Juice get what he was looking for?"

You shook your head, "there's nothing new on Miles, I don't think there ever will be."

Jax crossed his arms, "is something going on with him." His tone was a little harsh.

XXXXXXXXX

"He watched his friend die and had a man he didn't know threaten him with ex-communication or death from the people who are meant to love and respect him. What do you think's going on with him? I worried he's going to do something serious and then we won't have Juice anymore."

Jax huffed, "Sons don't…"

You cut him off, "Sons don't what, kill themselves? Neither do Marines and two men in my unit, my dear dear friends have blown their brains out. I spent so much time wondering if I could have done more. Until you've seen someone you care about blow their head apart with a shotgun, you don't get to talk."

XXXXXXXXXX

Jax was taken aback by your reaction, "I'm disappointed in you Jax, I thought you cared about Juice more than that."

Jax's face fell, "you're right, I didn't know you lost two people to suicide."

You huffed, "because I know how people feel about it, why would I bring up something so painful when you're so quick to dismiss what Juice is going through."

Abel picked up on your tone and wandered over, "what's wrong mummy?"

You bent down and held his little hand, "nothing sweetie, you ready to go with Daddy?"

He nodded, "ok."

Jax put a hand on your elbow, "I'm sorry y/n, it won't happen again and I'll try harder with Juice."

You nodded, "thank you, that's all I ask."

*****

Torres always makes Jax's blood run cold, "I have three dozen men coming today, they'll be here by noon, we'll back you up."

Jax rubbed his face as he walked away, "we really don't want to be starting shit with the Niners. If they are buying for Lobo, this guy is going to slaughter them. That changes the whole dynamic of the town and wipes diplomacy of the table for good."

"Maybe it's time to clean house, relationships are overrated."

They drove back to Clay's place to hold chapel, it was strange sitting around the dinner table talking about how to avoid a blood bath. "This ain't us leading the charge, it's Romeo and Luis."

Jax could feel the tension in the room, "look, if the Niners are working with Lobo, we'll get them to arrange a meet and take it from there, send this beef back to the border."

"Yeah, cause all out plans with these guys have worked out just fine."

The sarcasm was dripping from Bobby's lips, "ENOUGH, we voted it in, we play it out. You can't get behind that, turn in your Goddamn patch."

Chibs coming in from his phone call calmed the room, "the Irish, O'Shay and Roarke." Clay took the phone and walked away, leaving the others to talk.

To Clay surprise, they were all ok with the large weapons but nevertheless they wanted to come and sit down with everyone to avoid issues. What Clay didn't know is that men in suits with American accents came to visit hours before, telling them to be ok with it or they wouldn't be anything anymore.

"Set the meet, we'll be there."

*****

You could cut the air with a knife as they walked into the warehouse, the hello was fast and laced with false friendliness. Clay question about why so many people were there clearly set off alarm bells. LaRoy and the Niners were hiding something and they could tell. "We hear you're moving out of H, got a new product."

LaRoy smiled, "the carousel of progress."

"Cocaine carousel?"

LaRoy's tone got nasty, "not your business. You sell the guns and I'll sell the drugs."

Jax, on the other hand, was calm as he explained the situation, LaRoy responded with the same standoffish rebuttal. Then Torres walked in, "I ain't gonna tell you anything but I have a feeling these guys might be weighing in."

LaRoy took in the men with guns, "what is this, you set me up?"

LaRoy spat on Torres after he said something to him in Spanish, then Torres was going at him while Jax stood between them. A fight broke out and Jax used the distraction to try and talk LaRoy down "these assholes will cut off your Goddamn head, be cool and I will try to get you out of here alive."

"Lobo approached us last month, before you guys even got out. We didn't know about Galindo."

He sounded like he was telling the truth, "what did they offer?" It was the standard fair, money and power if LaRoy and the Niners jumped into bed with them, "call them, tell them you have a big buyer with an urgent need." When LaRoy said nothing, Luis sent the room cold with this blank stare, "I'm going to line up your men, I'm going to gun them done, then I'm going to drop their bodies on their mother's doorsteps."

"Let us talk to him." Jax wished he had you here, you would have been about to stop this with one hard look, "come on." Jax pulled LaRoy away and did his best to reason with the man. It was clear that LaRoy was scared of Lobo but Jax gave him a decent solution, work with the Mayans to cut in the Niners and go from there.

****

"Yeah?"

You heard Vance talk a deep breath, "Gemma and the ex-chief found Piney, what do you want us to do?"

You shook your head, "nothing right now, if Opie shows up we're going to have to jump the gun, tell everyone to be ready to debrief the guys at a moment's notice. Have Parada and Torres heard any more from Clay?"

"They're giving him Willows contact now, are you good with it being tomorrow?"

You took a deep breath, "fine, I'll make sure Abel is nowhere near the park and I'll pick a place away from civilians, make sure he gets the meeting with Clay on camera. How did it go with Pope?"

You could hear the smile in his voice, "he is perfectly willing to back this move with his muscle, but he said the Niners might be a problem."

"The Club is dealing with that now."

He huffed, "how does Sam feel about feeding you information without knowing why?"

You shrugged, "he does know why, he just can't prove this theory."

Vance gave a short laugh, "we're almost done, I'll make sure you have a direct line to Willows in case something goes wrong, you want Aden close by?"

"Please, if I get shot he needs to be in close by to keep everyone in line."

You could hear him typing on the other end, "done, we'll talk once Willows has the footage."

****

"So where's this new buyer?"

LaRoy did his best to stay calm, "waiting for my call. Do you have the blow?"

A black duffle was dropped on the hard floor, "three keys, half already cut and bagged." As LaRoy placed the phone call, the shooting started. It was an even match until the grenade launcher came out. Between the flying bullets and the fleeing Lobos, tempers hit a fever pitch.

"Line em up."

Jax took a deep breath and tried to think like you, "this isn't Mexico, we're not kings here, we've got to work with other crews. You start gunning people down, no one is going to trust us. You wanna move your product, we need relationships."

Torres tried to get a word in, "not this relationship."

"LaRoy made a mistake, better message is that he changed his mind. Decided to roll with Galindo. You kill this guy, you're killing everything."

Torres placed a finger on the middle of LaRoy's chest, "one more bad decision and I wipe nineteenth street off the map."

A calm came over the room as they walked away, "you got a minute?"

Clay walked over to a quiet corner with Torres, "this is Tito Willows, he's the solution to your doctor problem. She's too highly trained for a snatch and grab, Mr Willows is the best sniper we have."

Clay looked the man over, "I was told you needed this dealt with right away, when do you want it done."

Clay rubbed his face, "she takes her kid to the park at the same time every week, that's tomorrow."

Willows nodded, "I'll be there, my fee is twenty thousand dollars, you'll pay half before the hit and half when she's dead, the first half in non-refundable no matter the outcome."

Clay smiled, "make it quick and don't fuck up her face."

Willows shrugged, "if I can get a headshot I will, you'll just have to have a closed casket."

Clay felt a cold chill go down his spine, he was starting to feel in over his head. "Fine, I'll get you the money tonight."

Clay and the others left, leaving the men to call you, "you got an update for me."

Tito smiled, "yeah, he wants you dead. I got the whole thing on video liked you asked and I'll have the cash as proof."

"I guess I should make sure my will is ready to go in case you miss."

There was a chuckle, "I'm not Russo Morticia but you know I don't miss."

You huffed, "if there was ever a day to miss Tito it would be when you're shooting at me. If my kid is around you abort regardless, understand?"

"Of course, I'll see you tomorrow."

****

They were all back at T-M, Jax was smoking on the picnic bench when Bobby walked up to him, "you were great today. Talking the cartel down, saving LaRoy, all those other guys was impressive. This Club needs that, can't lose you."

Jax bristled, "what are you talking about?"

Bobby huffed, "Clay told me you're jumping out with him."

Jax chewed on his cheek, "well Clay lied, I told him that he had a year to get the Club out of guns and drugs or I'd leave. I guess he lied to me about that since he told you I was leaving."

Bobby was taken aback, "he told me you were leaving regardless, why would he lie?"

"Because he has no plans to get the Club out of guns and drugs." Jax was stomping towards the Clubhouse before Bobby could speak again, he didn't even bother knocking as he opened the door.

"You lied to Bobby, told him I was getting out."

Clay shifted his glasses to his nose, "I'm sorry, you know we can't get out of guns by the end of the year, you told me you'd leave so I just took the initiative and let Bobby know. I'm only trying to protect what we worked so hard to build."

Jax shook his head, "at this rate, there's not going to be much left of that building. The cartel was a mistake."

"You almost took Bobby's head off for barking that same gripe."

Jax huffed, "I'm not just griping about it, we need an exit strategy, I'm gonna come up with one then we're out. We're going to put the guns and the drugs up for a vote and we are going to wash our hands of everything that's killing us."

"What are you talking about."

Jax was done with Clay, "we're going to make this deal with the Irish, get Romeo his WMDs and then we're gonna sit down and plan a way to get this Club free of Galindo, see and end date and then we're done." Jax got up before Clay could respond, just as he was walking out the door, Clay spoke again.

"Doctor pussy's clouding who you are son."

Jax turned on his heel, and the look on his face made Clay's heart jump, Jax was stalking back towards him like he was going to beat him to death, "if you ever talk that way about y/n again, I will pound those half dead hands so hard into this table, you won't ever be able to hold that Gavel again."

****

"I live with so many lies Clay, so many things I can never speak of, I'm ok with that. I do it to protect what we have. But I can't lie to you, you're the only truth I have."

Clay nodded, "I know Baby."

Gemma took a deep breath, "I went to the cabin today, I know why you did it. I know you read JT letters, burned the copies."

"So, what do we do with this truth."

Gemma was worried, "nothing, it stays between us. Piney wanted a hard was out, going out defending John was the noblest way for him. But it stops here, y/n hasn't brought the letters up again, she has no intention of giving them to Jax or anyone, she never has."

"Ok, I believe you."

Gemma stood up and placed her hands on Clay's cheeks, "look me in the eyes and tell me you won't hurt her."

Clay smiled softly, "I promise I won't hurt y/n. I love you Gemma, everything I do is for you."

Clay put Gemma in her car and kissed her goodbye then called Willows, "you can pick up your payment in the morning, I'll tell you when she's at the park."

"Done."

****

Gemma heard the safe open as she was getting breakfast, she acted like she was none the wiser as he came around the corner, "morning."

She had her head in the fridge, "hey, you're up early."

His tone was a little harsh, "yeah, me and Jax have got to handle this Mexican thing."

"I'm afraid to ask."

Clay's tone didn't improve, "then don't, me and Jax have got it handled. I'll see you later." Gemma ran over to the safe only to find money missing, she did her best to ignore the cold chill running down her spine.

****

"Alright, I've got half the day off, so I'm thinking Abel comes to work with Sam then you bring him to the park for the afternoon."

Jax smiled, "I like that, he's been helping us fix cars."

You giggled, "I hoping that if I get him into cars he'll never go near those death machines you people love."

Jax shook his head and pulled you into his arms, "I don't know, he is my little helper."

"Don't let Sam hear you say that, he'll get jealous."

Jax chuckled, "how's the wedding planning going?"

You smiled, "I'm baking the cake samples on the weekend, then starting to look at dishes we can all put together."

Jax shook his head, "is this how our wedding is going to go?"

You nodded, "DIY is best, plus, it's not about how much money you spend or what your invites look like, it's about two people who love each other."

Jax smiled, "I can't wait, I guess it will be easy for you since you're using Sam and Ima as a test case."

You shook your head, "don't tell them that."

****

"Here's your ten grand."

Tito smiled, "thanks, I call you when I'm there make sure you're one hundred per cent on taking her out. You know I've met her before, she's an outstanding soldier, I can't promise a kill but I'll do my best. This is your last chance to pull out, I told you I'm keeping the cash regardless."

Clay had no idea you knew each other, "nah, I want it done. How did you know her?"

Tito smiled, "it's a long story man, I can't say I'll be sad to put a bullet in her."

Clay smiled, "she's like that, I'm surprised someone hasn't done her in already."

Tito did his best not to give away how well this was going, or that he had it all on camera, "she's a real bitch, you know she outranked me when we worked together, that's the first and last time I take orders from a woman."

Clay tilted his head, "she was a civilian, how did she outrank you?'

Tito huffed, "how do you think, she's a bitch with a brain and the military love to keep the squints happy. Hell, if I do her, I might offer you a discount for the pleasure."

Clay smiled, "and I'd be happy to take it."

Tito shot his hand out, "to a short but enjoyable relationship."

Clay accepted his hand, "call me when it's done."

****

"What's this one?"

Jax pointed to the battery on the car he was working on, "da batty."

Jax tried not to laugh, "that's right, what about this one?"

His finger moved to the "da engin."

Jax put Abel down and stuck out his arm for a high five which Abel accepted. Sam was working on another car on the other side of the garage, "he's getting better, he'll have his own shirt in no time."

"He sure is smart."

Sam chuckled, "yeah, my sister did a good job while you guys were inside, have you watched the videos she took yet?"

Jax nodded, "yeah, she put them on the TV in the bedroom, I watch them while she's on night shift. He really likes helping her in the garden."

Sam smiled, "he's like any other little kid, he likes mud."

"Y/n loves Abel like her own Jax, I know without a doubt in my mind she would die for that little boy. You don't need to worry about her leaving if things with the cartel get too much."

Jax smiled, "are you still worried that I'll leave her?"

Sam nodded, "every damn day."

****

"I'm heading to the park now."

You took a deep breath and collected to your things, ready for the events that were about to take place, "great, I can see the seats, I'll text before I start shooting." You hung up and drove off, arriving at the park soon after, there were only a few people here but you still sat away from everyone.

"Be there soon, Abel had so much fun today."

The text from Jax sped things up a bit, you called Sam in a hurry in hopes of slowing things down, "yeah, you good?"

You hoped he hadn't told anyone you called him, "I need you to stall Jax for five minutes, I can't tell you why and don't let him know I called."

Sam sighed, "alright."

He hung up and you texted Willows, "it's got to be now, my kid's on the way."

"Get ready."

You took a deep breath and looked around, no one was in the line of fire so you reached up and made it look like you were stretching to give the signal, seconds later, the wood in front of you exploded. You looked around and started running, a bullet landing in a tree inches from you. People were running and hiding, far away from the line of fire, as you reached the bathroom, you felt a bullet whizz by your head. You dropped and the concrete by your leg was hit, then you felt a searing pain in your ankle.

Looking down, there was blood pouring out of a hole in your boot but the shooting has stopped. You took out your phone after it beeped, "did I hit you?" You texted back, "it was a ricochet, I'll be fine. Get lost and call Aden so he come meet me at the hospital."

"Done, I'm so fucking sorry."

*****

When Jax drove up to the park, he was stopped by a cop. "What's going on?"

Candy Eglee, the blonde deputy that Jax knew well walked up to the car, "let him through."

Jax drove up and parked, only to see you waiting on a gurney with the paramedics, "what the hell happened?"

Jax was stuck between getting Abel out and running over to you, "y/n says it was a sniper, no one heard the shots. She's fine, the paramedics said it was a superficial wound." Hale wandered over and looked in the back, "I'll take it from here Candy."

Jax put his head in his hands, "I've told the ambulance to stay, I'll wait with Abel so you can talk to her, then I'll drive you to St Thomas."

Jax ran over to you just as they loaded you into the ambulance, "Oh my God, y/n. What happened?" You didn't look like you were in pain but your voice gave it away.

"A sniper with shit aim, I can see the bullet under the skin Jax. I'll be fine, in fact, I should be home by tonight. Where's Abel?"

Jax didn't relax, "with Hale, I'll meet you at the hospital ok Darlin."

You smiled softly at him, "ok beloved. I love you." Jax grabbed your hand and kissed it as the paramedics prepared to leave.

"I love you too."

****

Jax stopped by T-M to drop Abel off while Hale waited in the car, everyone knew something was very wrong by how he was acting. Gemma walked up to him and took in his worried expression, "what's wrong? I thought you were going to have lunch with y/n."

Jax shook his head, "Jackson?"

He took and deep breath and walked over to where everyone was standing, "y/n has been shot, she's on her way to the hospital."

"What, where was she shot?"

Jax rubbed his face, "in the leg, she said it wasn't that bad but there was a lot of blood, I don't know."

Sam put his hand on Jax's shoulder, "you're going to leave Abel with your mum and we're all going to head up there, someone should already be there with her so take five minutes to calm down, she doesn't need you a mess right now."

Clay shook his head, "you guys go, I'll call Romeo and let him know what's happened."

Clay walked off with Gemma hot on his heels, coming to a stop as he sat down at the table, "I need to ask you a question." Gemma shut the door and did her best not to sound accusatory.

"What."

Clay already sounded angry, "why did you take all the money out of the safe?"

Clay spun in his chair, "what did I tell you about digging into Club business?"

Gemma shook her head, "it's not Club money."

Clay was openly angry now, "that's right, it's my money and as long as you have enough to take care of the house and amuse yourself, you don't need to worry about it."

"Did you really just say that to me?"

The look on his face would have frozen hell, "maybe I should be saying shit like that to you more often, remind you that you aren't a member of this Club, you're an old lady and don't forget it."

Gemma nodded, "ok." Without another word, she left.

****

When Jax got to the hospital, Derek was there waiting for him, "hey man, you doing alright?"

Jax didn't respond, "where's y/n?"

Derek placed a hand on his upper back and led him to the chairs, "she's in X-ray, Aden's with her. She's fine dude but she's in a rotten mood so unless you want her to bite your head off, you need to calm down."

Jax shook his head, "did they say how bad is was?"

Derek shrugged, "Aden said she told the nurse to give the painkillers to someone who needed them, I think she's fine."

Ten minutes later, a nurse came to get Jax and take him into your room. "Hey, where's Abel."

Jax sat down as close to you as he could, "with my mum, when's the doctor getting here?"

Just as you were about to answer, the doctor walked in and slapped the X-ray on the screen, "fucking shit balls."

Jax looked terrified, "what, what's wrong?"

You shook your head, "nothing really, other than some microfractures that don't need any intervention, there a hunk on concrete heading towards my ankle joint so I'll need surgery."

The doctor nodded, "yes, she's right. However, it will be quick. We'll go in, clean the wound and remove any foreign bodies, it will take half an hour max, then you'll need three weeks in a soft cast and it will take another three for the swelling to go down completely, so you'll be off your feet for just over a month."

You nodded, "can I go home tonight?"

The doctor shook his head, "tomorrow at the earliest, I'll go tell them to prep the OR now."

You nodded, "can you send Hale in, I'll give him my statement while I wait for this to be done." Aden left and came back with Hale five minutes later.

"How are you feeling?"

You shrugged, "fine, my leg hurts."

Jax stood up, "I'll go get a nurse and see if they can give you something."

You put and hand on his forearm and shook your head, "they're going to give me plenty of drugs soon, it can wait." Aden smiled as he took in Jax's worried expression.

You waved your hand and Hale sat on the end of the bed, "tell me what happened."

You took a deep breath, "I was sitting at the tables waiting for Abel and Jax to arrive, we have lunch at that park at the same time every week because Wednesdays are split into two shifts for me. I got the text that they were leaving then the shooting started." Hale was going from writing notes to looking at you.

"The table was hit and I started running, then bullets hit close by but not close enough to be dangerous. I realised that the bathroom entrance was suitable cover and I managed to get into the doorway when the concrete by my leg was hit. I never saw or heard the shooter and I never received any threats beforehand."

Hale nodded, "thank you, if you can think of anything else give me a call. I'll keep you updated on the case as we go."

You nodded "thanks."

He left and the doctor walked in, "you ready to go?"

You nodded and took off your engagement ring and handed it to Jax, "keep this safe for me. I'm gonna want it back."

Jax smiled softly and leaned down to kiss you, "I'll be here when you wake up."

****

The others arrived just as Jax walked out of your room, "what's going on?"

Clay was doing his best to sound worried, "they're taking her for surgery now, she should be home by tomorrow. It had to be Lobo."

Clay kept his face neutral, "I called Romeo, I haven't heard back yet."

Jax nodded, "call LaRoy, he knows how to get in touch with Lobo. I told y/n I'd be here when she woke, I don't want anything happening without me there."

Opie put a hand on his shoulder, "we'll call Alvarez, get him to help."

Jax nodded and Sam checked his phone, "Billy just landed with Frank, they'll be here soon. No one will get through them."

Jax rubbed his face and moved to sit down in the waiting room next to Aden, "you don't need to stay man, I'll look after her."

Sam nodded, "alright, just keep me posted."

Forty minutes later, the doctor came out, "everything went very well, there was no damage to the underlying structures and she'll be back to normal in a few weeks. You can go and see her now but forewarning, the meds have made her a little loopy."

Aden laughed, "that's happened before, I got to film this for the guys." Jax shook his head but brought Aden in any way.

Jax felt warmth in his chest when you shot him a wide smile, "Jackson, you're still here. Come and sit with me."

Aden was doing his best not to laugh, "how are you feeling?"

He sat as close to you as he could and you grabbed his hand, "oh, my leg hurts but I don't care. I haven't been this high since…I'm not allowed to talk about that."

You looked at your left hand, "where's my ring?"

Jax shook his head, "it's safe with me, you can have to back when your pupils are back to normal."

You nodded, "ok, you're so pretty, like really pretty, I don't think it's fair."

Jax lifted his hand and stroked your cheek, "you are off your face."

You shrugged, "maybe, so when are you busting me out of here?"

Jax chuckled, "when the doc says you can leave."

"You're no fun, Aden, can you get me out of here?"

Aden shook his head, "when the doc says I can."

You reached over and grabbed Jax's hand, "you don't need to stay, I know the Club comes before me, Aden is good company and he'll let me watch the surgery feed."

Jax could swear he felt his heart stop, "I can stay as long as you need."

You shook your head, "no, you have Club business to deal with. It's alright, I'm used to it."

Aden stood up, "come on, I'll walk you out." Jax was reluctant to leave but also he didn't want to leave the others waiting. Aden paused just as they exited the hospital, "don't take anything she said in there to heart Jax, we all know she comes first and that you'd do anything for her. This happened the last time she got hurt real bad and she was the exact same, it's not what she knows to be the truth, it's just what she worries about."

Jax gave Aden a soft smile, "thanks man, make sure she isn't alone for too long."

Aden nodded, "we'll look after her until you come back tonight."

****

They went to the Niners' headquarters with the Mayans, the moment the Mayans were spotted, the bullets started flying. "LaRoy, LaRoy, get out here."

LaRoy walked out of the office with a scowl on his face, "what the hell Laroy?" They could hear the rage in Jax's voice. Tempers weren't just hot, things were seconds away from popping off again.

"Lobo took out three of my men this morning, we're all a little skittish."

In the corner, Marcus fired off a shot which landed between the eyes of one of LaRoy's lieutenants. "You just killed one of my best soldiers ese."

LaRoy was talking like he was going to kill Marcus so Jax took a deep breath and stepped in front of his gun, "alright, you both lost a guy, you're even."

"no we ain't. Get out."

Jax stepped closer, "we need your contact for Lobo Sonora." LaRoy wasn't listening so they left and Jax was left filled with anger. When he tried to go with the others for the meet with Romeo, Clay sent him back to the hospital. By the time he got there, he was still as high strung as when he left.

****

Clay met Willows and Romeo on the side of the road, "what the hell was that?"

Willows didn't raise his voice, "I told you she'd be hard to kill, if you want the job done you're going to have to get me into the hospital."

Clay shook his head, "nah, forget it. Jax is never gonna leave her side and she's got all her friends around, no one's going to be able to get to her. I'll talk to her, get her to see reason. In the meantime, we need to give Jax a few Lobos, satisfy his need for revenge."

"Understood, we'll be in touch."

****

You were asleep when Jax walked into your room, "how's she doing?"

Billy smiled, "fine, the drugs have worn off so you don't need to worry about her telling you national secrets, she told me you had the nicest butt she had ever seen on a man and I'm never going to tell you forget it."

Jax let out one short laugh, "you can go man, I'll be here for the rest of the night."

Billy nodded, "we'll be staying at your place until she kicks us out, don't worry about Abel, we'll look after him."

"Thanks, I call you later and tell you how everything is going."

Jax laid next to you and placed a hand on your face, you roused as he pulled you into his arms, "hey, how did everything go?"

Jax stopped you before you could ask any more, "don't worry about that right now, just rest, I'll fill you in later."

You nodded, "ok, I love you."

Jax smiled softly, "I love you too."

You giggled a bit, "I may have told Billy that your butt was the perfect handful and a half per cheek, so everyone will know by the time he gets back home."

Jax huffed, "that's alright Darlin, you were pretty stoned."

You nodded, "yes I was."

Jax could hear the tiredness coming into your voice, "close your eyes pretty girl, I'll wake you up for dinner."

"Yay, hospital slop." When Jax went to reply, you were already asleep.

****

"What's the matter, change your mind because they didn't kill her."

Gemma was pissed, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Gemma stopped up to Clay, "you promised me, you looked in the eye and promised me you wouldn't hurt y/n."

Clay slammed the safe door, "you're insane, I had nothing to do with what happened to y/n."

"You took money out of this safe this morning, hours later, somebody goes after y/n. She'd probably do dead if that guy wasn't such a bad shot."

Clay turned on his heel, "you need to stop, right now."

She knew he was lying, "Jesus Christ, Abel could have been hurt."

Clay kicked a chair over, "Enough!"

Gemma gave him a nasty smile, "maybe Jax needs to know that truth." Gemma pulled her gun as Clay got closer, "you stay away from me you, you son of a bitch. You stay away from my family." Clay stepped closer and Gemma fired but she missed, then Clay was on top of her.

Gemma did her best to fight back but she was no match, she knew now without a doubt, as his fists hit her face, that he was beyond saving.

*****

"Do you want to say goodnight to Abel?"

You nodded and reached out, "hello sweetie, how was your day?"

You could hear Frank and Billy at the other end, "fun mummy, uncle Fank is nice."

You chuckled, "I know, did you eat your veggies?"

He giggled, "yes mummy, auntie Ima made tatos."

"Alright honey, you can tell me all about it when I get home. Goodnight sweetie."

His reply sounded a little sad, "goodnight mummy." You hung up and handed the phone back to Jax who walked over and sat in the chair next to you.

"Tell me what I can do for you."

You reached out and placed a hand on his cheek, "you can stop worrying about me, I'm fine."

'Please get mad at me y/n, scream at me or something, I know this is all my fault."

You placed your hand on his face, "my sweet, noble Jackson, you weren't the one firing the gun, how could this be your fault? I don't blame you even a little, I know what I was getting into when I decided to stay here in Charming. Now please stop worrying and go get the nurse to bring you a cot so you can spend the night with me."

Jax looked so sad, "I'm never going to be good enough for you."

You sat up as best you could, "we've been over this Teller, you don't get to decide that. Now please, I don't want to fight you on this, I just want you to hold me so I can get a good night's sleep and get out of here."

Jax kept his composure until he got out of the room, Kip walked up to him looking worried, "you ok man?"

Jax wiped his face, "I'm fine. I'm going to stay here tonight, you can head home."

Kip nodded, "sure, call if you need anything."

Jax walked up to the nurse's station and tried to calm his shaking voice, "what can I get you doll?"

Jax gave her a soft smile, "can I get another bed to spend the night in there with my fiancee?"

She nodded, "sure sweets, I'll have someone bring something in." Jax walked back to your room, already feeling a little better.

"They'll be back here with a bed soon."

You smiled at him, "I don't think they'll let us screw here so you'll have to keep to your side."

Jax shook his head, "I don't know how you're so ok with all this."

You shrugged, "because I've been here a billion times, it's barely a flesh wound, now stop worrying and come to bed before I change my mind and get Billy and his flat ass to stay with me."

Jax chuckled, "we can't have that now." He laid next to you while you waited for the other bed to arrive, "does your leg hurt?"

You shook your head, "only a little, nothing that time and rest won't fix. Now stop worrying about me."

Jax went to reply when the bed arrived, "hey doll, the OT will be here mid morning to get you some crutches then you'll be on your way. You need anything?"

You shook your head, "nah, thank you for bringing the bed."

She left and Jax settled down for the night, "goodnight darlin."

You reached your hand across the gap and grabbed his, "goodnight beloved."

****

There was blood everywhere, you crawled through the sand to get to Travis who was bleeding out on the ground, he was choking on his own blood when you got to him, "I can't feel me legs, are they still there?"

You looked down to see nothing but gore, "nope, but your dick still looks intack."

He laughed as best he could, "I'm going to die here, aren't I?"

The sand next to you exploded and you picked Travis up by his vest and dragged him away, "we all are Travis, I promise I'll save my last two bullets so they don't get us."

He huffed, "always the logical one." A noise pulled your attention away, an insurgent holding Billy's decapitated head high up in the air while his mouth was fixed in a scream.

You shot awake, unable to breathe. There was someone touching you; or trying to. As your hands came up to defend yourself, you threw a flat hand out, hoping to hit the face that was coming into view but the hand grabbed you had familiar callouses that encompassed your wrist, "it's me, y/n it's Jax, you're ok."

"I….."

Jax could hear you trying to hack in a breath, "it's ok, I'm here." He placed your hand on his chest, "hey hey, just breathe with me with, in and out, that's it." His heart was steady under your hands, "I'm here, I'm not going to let anything happen to you." You managed to take in a tiny breath, then one more as Jax kept talking.

"There you go, good girl, can you keep doing that?"

You nodded, "I'm sorry."

He took your face in his hands, "you don't need to be sorry, just focus on breathing for me." Jax felt a strange sense of calm come over him, you shifted to the far side of the bed, Jax laying next to you and pulling you into his arms, "you're safe, I'm not going to let anything else happen to you."

You were suddenly overcome with exhaustion, "get some rest Darlin, it will be morning by the time you know it."

****

You were still in Jax's arms when you woke up, Jax smiling down at you as you opened your eyes, "morning."

You gave him a sleepy smile, "good morning beloved. I'm sorry about last night, I kinda lost it."

Jax shook his head, "you had a night terror and then a panic attack, you didn't lose it, it's ok y/n."

He pressed a kiss to your lips, "I've got some things with the Club to sort out but I'll be back as soon as I can."

You nodded, "it's ok, I need some time to myself anyway." Jax huffed, "I'll be back before they let you out, tell me how the OT goes."

You nodded, "will do, have fun out there."

He kissed you again, "I'll see you soon."

The moment he left, you called Vance, "it's got to happen today the second I'm out, get men to collect the guys. How did the meetings go?"

Vance took a deep breath, "Alvarez is pissed that Clay lied to him but he wasn't surprised that you are what you are, he's on board but only If Jax takes over. Pope is the same, he wants to add the to mule but the same goes, he wants very little to do with Clay."

You rubbed your face, "the Irish?"

Vance huffed, "have been made aware that they will no longer be breathing if they don't play ball, our friends in the Irish Catholic Church were happy to help. It's all come together, you want us to send someone to pick you up?"

"Yeah, and make sure that job is ready for me once this is over, none of them are ever going to want to see me again when they find out what I've been doing.

Part 44

As always, please comment if you can, it really helps me stay motivated.

#the reaper and the death angel #Jax teller #sons of anarchy #sons of anarchy imagine #fluff #soa #jax teller #sons of anarhcy fanficton #sons of anarchy fluff #jax teller imagine #jax teller fanfiction #jax teller x you #jax teller x reader #jax teller x oc #samcrow #jax teller fluff #charlie hunnam #fix it fanfiction #jax teller smut #charlie hunnam imagine #charlie hunnam fanfiction #jackson teller

[rhari-stuff]

Headcanons about Kim'dael (which I feel she would lean more)

In the story "The queen Mercy" Kim'dael said that the dragons killed her people one by one .

And to be honest, I am sure she suffered losing them.Even Aditi said mentioned when she said "I see a flame in you,but is small"or something like that and she do mentioned that it was because of the pain she been trough loosing her family.

So here are the headcanons :)

Alone:

•she cries herself to sleep(when she is alone)

• she tries to hide her feeling,because she is kind of scared or just feeling strange to let people see her feelings

•she still misses the acompanions that she lost

•she blame herself from not doing enough to protect her people.

•she though (and she still think) that running away and not doing enough for her acompanions was the lowest think she ever did and that it was kind of her fault.

•What I think is that she wears those gloves cause she sometimes scratches her skin with her nails(kind of self harm but she doesn't do it too deep)

•She wears her hair braided as an homage for the people she lost.

With her partner (I saw she is queer, so with girls)~sorry male readers~

•She is kind of cruel but she is the most sweetest person when she feels comfortable and have enough trust in a person (let's say partner)

•She likes playing with you're hair.

•she will hug you from behind or covering you're eyes with her hands asking "who is it?"

•If you have a not good mental health and have suicidal thoughts, BPD, anxiety, depression,anger issues, Bodydismorphia or other mental health things she won't get intro it really fast, but she will try to stay with you more often and help you subtile.

•If you are mad she will wait for you to talk of what madet you upset.

•if you are like her (or like me) trying to lock the feeling you have she will study you're behavior (she lived long and she can read people like a book)she will just hug you and kiss you're face saying nothing,and tries to avoid eye contact (even if she can't with you)

•if she sees sh sings on you're behavior and body she will stay silent but go crazy about it until she can't keep her mouth shut and take a more closer look to you than usual.

•she will hold you tight at night

•She gets jealous easley (and if you get jealous easley too her feeling will go more deeper than they are.)

•POSSESSIVE POSSESSIVE POSSESSIVE

•She will kill however hurt you or made you upset

•If she sees a single scratch or someone putting his hand on you, MA GIRL, he is fuc&$d up.

My god, where are the fanfictions of her?:(...I think I am gonna take actions about this >:)

[temporalbystander]

"Straight men have NOTHING" y'all have EVERYTHING. EVERY product aimed at men is aimed at you. You're considered the default of masculinity what the fuck do you MEAN you have nothing. "No privilege to hide behind" call me when you're getting beat to death for being a straight man call me when you're unable to marry a woman specifically because she is a woman and you are not supposed to be attracted to them call me when there are laws meant to bar you from existing in the public sphere at all call me when you aren't the dominant social group in this fucking hell world. God. And before you start whining about the male suicide rate (which is bc of a system you fuckers set up to begin with, for the record) just go fucking add to it.

My fucking lord you're a bunch of whiny cunts, for all your talk about how weak every other fucking demographic is. Shut up.

I'm curious is this because my post is still getting reblogged or did you just wait this long until I opened my asks again to attack me? You're proving my point again by the way, everything we "have" you use as an insult against me "you set up the system" "everything is directed at you" aka "what right do you have to feel targeted?" "You can't feel insulted you set this up." Can you imagine saying any of this to woman? "Oh all perfume ads are towards women" "all motherhood ads are towards women." ”you cant be upset at being called (insert random derogatory term) because all female models are beautiful." See how that doesn't work? See how you can blame A man for things MEN plural started hundreds of years ago but would never think to do the same to a woman? And before ANYONE goes "oh then why don't you change the system" here's a reality check. The system isn't the way it is because it's helpful, it's not sustained because it's beneficial. It is kept the way it is because it is profitable and the people who make their money want to keep it. To the point where they will carve away any healthy or beneficial part of it so their profits go up.

I never said shit about other demographics being weak. I may have forgotten a lot about what I wrote but I know for a FACT I never said that. My point. My main and only point that I have never stopped believing in is that straight males can have no feelings in this world. If we're proud then we are toxic. If we're interested in something "girly" then we are gay. If we get upset we are called "whiny cunts."

You tell me to kill myself? I say ditto. You say male suicides don't matter because we set the system up? I say feminists can go suck and egg when complaining about chivalry. You tell me to shut up? I say look at my blog. I've been quiet for ages since that post YOU'RE the one opening up the asks to start something.

You say we're privileged? I say if I had been a woman, gay or trans and went on that post saying "your words are triggering me and I feel so unsafe and violated now" would I be getting all this hate? When you started using the word privilege as a weapon you removed any defence that word had. "Oh you can't complain because of your male privilege." "How dare you! This is just proof of male privilege."

I promised I wouldn't get involved in this again. Yet here I am, feeling stable, calm, and more willing than ever to call bullshit on all those who disagree with me. Should I have left the post alone and made my own? Yes. Does that change the validity of my point? No. The ask box is open so if you want to hate then go right ahead. I am not backing down this time.

#gender politics #ooc #mun talks #not miraculous related #anon hate #anon answered #male emotions are valid #bring it

[nexusnox]

// Hi! I'm Jack. This is the pinned post for nexusnox, and has my rules, a link to Alex's bios and verses, and a taglist. It also has a list of potential triggers you may find here.

"Here's to the ones to let shine through the rain; The ones who stood for something more, we won't forget your names. The tide is high, say goodbye, we're setting sail; And all those midnight secrets told, we'll take 'em to the graves."

-

RULES

Communicate!! My #1 rule for rp is communication. If you're upset, want to change something, just having fun- please tell me!

My memory is worse than a goldfish's. Literally. Please don't hesitate to remind me of things! In fact, please remind me of things. Help. What day is it.

Godmodding: don't do it. If you absolutely need something to happen, see rule #1. Also, please tell me if I accidentally do this!

My muses are fickle, stubborn, and uncooperative. I can only do so much to wrangle them. As such, my replies can be sporadic and unpredictable- but I will do my best to reply asap!

I have anxiety. So much anxiety. Please be patient with me.

I tend to write very stream-of-consciousness, with many asides and tangents, which often results in long, multi-paragraph replies. Don't feel pressured to match me, although too many one line replies tend to sap my motivation.

Assume my muses come from a different canon than yours. By which I mean; relationships, motivations, circumstances and even experiences may be different than you expect.

On shipping; it's great! It's fun! Talk to me first. As long as it fits my muse, odds are I'll be happy to ship, but I prefer to talk it out first. Also, as a multishipper, I rarely do 'exclusive' ships.

On NSFW; I don't mind it, but I'll probably do a fade to black to keep anything too spicy off this blog. However, I'm fine with something more explicit in dms.

Check the potential triggers, and if you need something tagged, let me know. Also tell me if I tagged something incorrectly!

Last but not least, be kind and have fun!

-

BIOS: [X] VERSES: [X]

Potential Triggers; Violence, death, discussions of death and trauma, possible descriptions of panic attacks, occasional unreality.

PLEASE NOTE; Alex's backstory means he is incredibly apathetic to the concept of dying, as it doesn't stick for him, and he will end his own life if he finds it more convenient to do so. While he- and I (as someone who has been suicidal)- don't see this as suicide, more like turning a computer off and on again, it may be triggering to you. Please take care of yourselves!

TAGLIST;

threads : spinner weave a tale for me end thread : spinner rest your weary hands starter call : the crows are circling open starter : ravens on a fence closed starter : raven at the window prompts : spinner's needles ask : are you not entertained? anonymous : a murder of crows OOC : glance behind reality's curtain guests : the raven lies blog maintenance : molting season crossover : reality is a tapestry made to be rewoven musings/headcanons : seven for a secret ne'er told aesthetics : one for sorrow two for joy wardrobe/gear : spoils of the magpie music : they do not call songbirds a parlaiment silly things : this isn't a crow this is a pigeon verse : the promise is in the point of the blade verse : nothing has ever lived that will not die verse : the flightless blind venturing out into the dark verse : names mean nothing to the dead verse : there must be blood and this I knew (I believe there must be wonders too)

#OOC : glance behind reality's curtain #blog maintenance : molting season #pinned post

[tbd99]

entry: 11

I'm tired of feeding into my own sadness.

At what point can you truly say you're truly depressed, and not forcing yourself to say there? I feel that if I really tried, I could escape this emptiness that has been following me my whole life. I actually have tried that lately. I tried doing something that I loved... but I just couldn't. I got frustrated each and every day I tried making a change for the better. I just hope that one warm summer day, it'll all go away, and I'll finally feel happy. I don't even know what day it is, that's the kind of loop I'm living in. It's 2:50 am on some random day in the year, and that's all I know. I don't go outside anymore, and the reason for it is cowardly. I'm scared of the people, and their eyes. If I can't even try and be happy, why am I still here? If it takes to much of me to even do the littlest things. My mother has told me to do the same things for the past 3 days. Unload the dishwasher, clean the living room, and clean the bathroom. 3 small tasks normal people do everyday. But I'm not normal. I'm lazy. I'm a lazy person who can't do anything right. Mother doesn't say that but I know she thinks it. When I ask her to make me food because I'm hungry I know she looks at me like I'm a helpless child. but that's not true. i don't need anyone. i never have. i don't need anyone to try and fix me either. i begged my mother to take me to therapy and well... even the therapist said I wasn't depressed and to go on more walks. that's what the problem was. i was upset at first, no one could see how bad I was , but now that I think about it, I really was fine. even now, I am. people think about this kind of thing all the time. people think about suicide. people cut themselves. im no different. people just get over it faster than I do. I tried to look for pills in my mother's pill cabinet last night. or well-- a few weeks ago maybe?? my memory is really bad. she had nothing but allergy pills, but I could only look for like.. 4 minutes, until my sister came knocking at my door. it was scrambling to put the pills back in the cabinet, and I don't even know where this rant is going. i just think im ready to try again. that's my point. im not even spelling things properly or putting stuff in coherent sentences, and frankly, I don't care. someone I know is having a birthday party, and it would be a good way to say goodbye to all my friends. i normally try and do this each time I attempt. they've had to put up with me for so long, I feel as if I owe them a goodbye.

i wasnt going to go because ive been looking and feeling like total shit. i mean you cant look at me but if you did I look seriously awful. my skin is all grey, and my eyes are all dull. i haven't been speaking much, and honestly. i don't know how my mother doesn't know whats going on.. I've been starting to suspect for a while she knows, but doesn't really care to help. I've felt like this for so long, there's no way no one can understand me. I'm the youngest in my whole family by like... a whole decade. sometimes, I feel like some monkey in a cage. no one takes me seriously, and they all just disregard my actions as me being a teenager. which I get. I'm a pretty angst teen. but.. I've always been this way. I feel like the people in my family understand me, because they've been a teen before, but they're so detached from this feeling. sometimes, I wonder if anyone in my family has felt the things I've felt before. i don't think I'm sensitive, but, when you make a whole tumblr blog just to rant your feelings..... its sure starting to work that way. going back to that birthday party thing, I was thinking of going. but.. i hate the act I have to put on whenever I see my friends. I'm a very bleak and monotone person, but if my friends ever heard someone describe me that way, they wouldn't believe it. i put on this show whenever I'm around people, so they don't worry about me. I've been doing it my whole life. i don't know why I do it, it just makes me feel better if others don't know the rotting going on in my mind. i really don't feel good enough, but I guess ill stop ranting. sorry this was so rambly.

#tbd99 #entry: 11