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clown-morgue · 3 years

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what’s your favorite candle scent?what flower would you like to 4. what flower would you like to be given? 5. who do you feel most you around? 6. say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).7. what color brings you peace? 8. tag someone (or multiple people) who make you feel good. 9. what calms you down? 10. what’s something you’re excited for? 11. what’s your ideal date? 12. how are you? (ily bitch)

3. what’s your favorite candle scent?

Scented candles kinda make me feel sick, just thinking about lavender scented candles makes me nauseous...

But ig like... Vanilla??? Is that even a candle scent idk

4. what flower would you like to be given?

Lilly of the valley / any kind of lily or oleander flowers

Lilly of the valley is my birth flower, it causes abdominal problems when ingested, and lilies in general are a common flower used for funerals

Oleander is also harmful if ingested and also may cause irritation to the skin

5. who do you feel most you around?

For irl friends there's this one guy who's basically my best friend and we vent to eachother abt everything so it's like mutual therapy

For online friends @synthwave-doctor and @weaselweaselweasel mostly

6. say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).

Physical:

1. my fat ass I has tiny cute hands but I would punch anyone who said so but me

2. Um... Am flexible (does that count?)

3. People say I got nice cheekbones so...

Non-Physical:

1. My art skills really do be... do be...

2. I got good taste in music, you can fight me on that idc

3. I'm a shitpost God and you all live me for it.... Don't lie

7. what color brings you peace?

Florence green... It doesn't really brin me peace but it does irritate and enrage others and that's enough (:

8. tag someone (or multiple people) who make you feel good.

@synthwave-doctor (ily/p fam) @lumiicriesinthiscorner (Sksksk) @thevoidsystem (oli & tyler ily/p idk the others that much but ily/p too) @weaselweaselweasel (hehe yeah you ily/p bitch) @dragon1d (ngl love it when you call be babe /p) @rain-club-jam (pat pat child ily/p) @all my other mutuals I'm a bit scrambled egg brains rn so idk who else to tags... Yum eggies

9. what calms you down?

There's this one breathing exercise vid I use whenever I have a breakdown that helps a lot

Also wood turning videos, sims 4 speed builds, the forest, cemeteries, music, etc

10. what’s something you’re excited for?

It's a year for periodical cicadas in my area! Them babies been down in the dirt for 17-ish years... They're basically as old as me and I better see some or I'll cry

When they start coming up I'll go look for nymph shells and hen when they start dying I'll go looking for adult ones to collect (I don't like killing bugs for my collection I just wait till I find a dead one in good condition and with cicada it's that hard to just wait considering thy live as adult for a short time like just give them there time bitch wtf then collect them when they start dying... I'm getting off track)

11. what’s your ideal date?

Knife fight in the 711 parking lot at 6pm sharp, don't be late punk...

But for real take me to brunch and then buy me something shiny and I'm happy... And then we can fight in a parking lot /p

12. how are you? (ily bitch)

I'm the ruler of everything (ily bicth... Never gonna stop loving you... Bitch /p)

#clown morgue answers stuff #maddox #mads #ask game

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my-faymelodyz · 4 years

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hm,,,, 1-100😳

Oh boi ok

My middle names Fay

My age is 13

Birth is April 6th

Zodiac is Aries

Blue, pink, and light green

Idk uh ig 7

I have 2 dogs

The high of the lands

Uhhh last time I checked I was 4’11 but I might be 5’0-

Size 7

1 pair of vans 2 pairs of boots and 3 pairs of flip flops

Coughs in I can’t say cuz it’s kinda vent-ish/really personal

I can cook, bake, and draw

Uhhh idk

Hmm not sure I like a lot of songs

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I have a lot of favorites

Um well I probably want them to be a good person and not only here for a joke

Hell yeah

Yes I am religious-

Yes twice but me no remember

Nope

No but I wish-

Showers

I don’t wear socks only when I go out

I wouldn’t say no but not yes as well

I’m not sure it seems very overwhelming

Hmmm rock and soft music

Noo

2 pillows

On my side

Big

Anything in the fridge really

nope

No but it sounds fun

Uhhh idk “what the heck?!”

“Cunt”

One whole night

2 marks left from having my chin spilt open-

Not sure

Noooo I don’t think I can lie cuz of some trauma I went through :,)

I mean yeah I can judge peeps depending

Hmm Noooo

Nope

I like filipino, and British accents the most tbh

Kind and funny peeps

1st communion dress

yes

Welll mostly a innie but I can be a outtie

Lefty :3

Yes very much

I like a lot of foods

Filipino, and Mexican food

Both tbh

“Uhhhhh”

“AAAAAAAAA”

Hm about 5 minutes depending

50/50

Bite

Yup

Hm kinda

Rn losing peeps I care about

Ew no

Hmmm probably “16 Candles”

Both

No-

Art, History and Language Arts

Both

My cr—

I little bit

No to shy-

Kinda

Nooo

I don’t think so?

Nope

Uhhhh- well I can’t say- cuz personal reason

Nope

I can’t type fast-

Dark dark dark brown

Dark brown

Nothing

My mom is a vice principal and my dad fixes copiers

Ig so-

People that chew with mouth open, boys who are complete jerks

Yes very very much

Kinda I like Jasmine and Kyle-

Both boy and girl

Um not sure

My cr—

My cousin last minute told my parents it was ok to name me Kailee

Idk-

Wasp sting and 2 marks under chin

Blue and white

Pecahy color-

#asks #omg that took so longdkvskvkjscje

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alo-piss-trancy · 5 years

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hello! do u have any omo hcs for any mha chars? if not, that's okay :) btw some of the stuff u posted from a while back was from homestuck, just wanted to point that out ig- have a good day!!

To answer your other thing first, yeah I know hom/estuck! :D I never got super into the fandom side of it or even finished reading it unfortunately bc it's just SO LONG (I got up to some point in the middle of Act 4 or 5 I think? That was years ago though). I know the 4 kids and the first batch of trolls around their age (K/arkat and all of them) but once it gets to the older ones from that other timeline or whatever I got lost and only really know about D/irk and Ja/ke haha. I've still tried to avoid spoilers about the stuff I didn't read and the ending and such since maybe one day I'll have nothing else to read and finish it lol. The most interaction I really do with it nowadays is reading the occasional omo fic or looking at art because the piss side of that fandom was chock-full of quality content (and in some places still MAKING IT ) that I'm still working my way through.

But you didn't ask about that you asked about SUPERHEROES! SO HERE WE GO! :D

I've posted a few for certain popular chars like De/ku, Baku/gou, and Tod/oroki before (which I will reblog right after answering this in case you'd like to see those), so I'll do a few of my favourites this time!

M/ina (aka pink bae) :

* Pretty big bladder, but not a high tolerance for pain after a certain point. As soon as she feels a nagging urge she usually just goes instead of waiting. She can technically hold a lot/for a long time if need be, but it really bothers her and psyches her out.

* Drinks WAY too much soda. Not that it really affects her bladder, it's just unhealthy lol

* Very whiny and vocal when she needs to go. At first jokingly/to vent her annoyance, then if she's desperate enough it's solely to distract herself because somehow talking about it is easier than struggling in silence. Groans really exaggeratedly to show how annoyed she is.

* Super bouncy, like hopping up and down on her toes or bouncing in her seat in class/on the bus. Tugs the hem of her shirt down to cover or places her hands to the front of her bladder and presses while doubled over/bouncing on toes. You know that kind of stuff.

* Doesn't really grab her actual crotch unless dying. She'll press her knees together/grind her thighs though, or rut against the edge of her chair

* She tends to sweat/get flushed when super desperate/straining, and if she's especially nervous she might lose control of her quirk enough for her feet to slip in a light bit of acid. Usually she can keep the quirk under wraps even while bursting though.

* If she wet in public/in front of important people, she'd be pretty embarrassed and would take a few days to get over it. But if it's in front of friends she doesn't mind as much. It's still an uncomfortable experience but she can usually find a way to turn it into a joke with everyone instead of them laughing at her expense. She has a good sense of humor about it and hey, at least she finally got to pee.

* Will pretty much pee anywhere. Boy's bathroom, outdoors, a bucket, whatever. The only time she'll hesitate or refuse is if it's super gross.

* Has gone in the pool once to see if the rumor was true. Only once though.

* Probably doesn't have an omo kin/k, but is open to experimenting either way.

Toko/yami (birb boi) :

* Tiny bladder (like smaller than De/ku's). Gets squirmy shortly after a single juice box or small soda. Cannot get through drinking a large-sized drink without multiple potty breaks. Mostly sticks to water except for rare treats because caffeine goes through him so fast.

* Very self-conscious and shy because of said tiny bladder. Doesn't like looking weak or seeming baby-ish compared to his peers and def doesn't want to have to ask multiple times on long trips or classes, so he tries his best to monitor his liquid intake and sneak away when everyone is busy. This usually works out okay since he's so good at hiding out in corners/being quiet, but it's becoming harder now that he has /gasp/ friends who want to keep tabs on him or include him in stuff. He would low-key rather die than tell anyone he has to go at all, let alone if he has to go really REALLY badly. Dorm sleepovers will be hell.

* He isn't really pee-shy as far as public bathrooms go, but if he has to take an emergency pee outside or smth he has a hard time going, esp if he has someone with him trying to stand guard. Some people probably like to joke that because he's part animal he can go outside whenever he wants. That is Not The Case and it isn't funny

* Da/rk Shadow, on the other hand, gives no fucks and will try his best to force birdy to say something or blurt it out himself. Mostly at very embarrassing and inconvenient times with crowds, or hollering at everyone to wake up and move out of the way during said sleepover in the middle of the night when To/koyami is trying to sneak past the maze of sleeping bags to get to the bathroom quietly. Da/rk Shadow would be lying if he said he didn't get a bit of amusement from making birdy boi so embarrassed, but at his core he also does it because he's concerned the poor guy's gonna hurt himself testing his limits so often, and he would be even more embarrassed if he wet himself so HE'S DOING HIM A FAVOUR REALLY.

* Mostly fidgets with his legs. Lots of jiggling and partial bouncing and shifting weight from foot-to-foot. Crossed whenever he's sitting. Squeezing and rubbing thighs together, the whole she-bang. If he's alone and it gets this bad you can count on a full-blown potty dance.

* If he really has to keep up a good impression and can't afford to let anyone know, he can stop the fidgeting, but pretty much only by standing stock-still and straight and not really moving. His whole body ends up shaking from the strain though so it isn't actually that much of a cover

* If he's literally about to pee himself/knows he has to hold it for a LONG time with no other options he'll cave and hold himself really tight, but he seriously has to be on the verge of a full blown accident before he'll dare do this. Even around close friends he'd usually rather just try his best to keep his legs together and put up with the few leaks praying they don't notice.

* He leaks a LOT of tiny trickling leaks. He never loses control in one big gush, it just keeps dribbling out and he stops it for like half a minute and then it starts again, rinse and repeat each time more agonizing than the last until he finally loses full control and the rests hisses out.

* He tries to be quiet when desperate but the worse it gets the more he starts to let out little whimpers and moans, which can then devolve into incoherent rambling. By the time he's about to lose it he's basically Izu/ku levels of chatter, albeit much much quieter.

*When he does finally let go completely (whether that's in the bathroom or in his pants lol) he definitely has those fullbody pee shivers. You know the lil shudder all the way up his spine, complete with the softest little moan and his eyes slipping shut? His head feathers floof up for a second when he does it and it's adorable.

* If he wets he's going to be completely mortified. He doesn't cry (openly at least, his eyes will be watery), but he isn't as good at maintaining a stoic facade as Tod/oroki could. He's shaky and his words come off broken, he can't quite calm his breath hitching. Depending on the witness, he might try to BS an excuse to leave immediately and pretend it didn't just happen, not confronting them for several days until he's tracked down. Or he might break down enough to be unsure how to leave/end up staying to be comforted.

* probably doesn't have a ki/nk for it himself but would hold/wet for a partner. I don't care how edgy he looks he's 100% a SUB

* Da/rk Shadow would enjoy being the dom and even have birdy hold for him maybe, using his shadow powers to poke and tease at his bladder

Ts/u (froggy) :

* BIG bladder. Is that friend who never seems to have to pee no matter how long you've been hanging out. She also has a decent pain tolerance and keeps control fairly well. It takes a lot to push her into a state where she's at risk of wetting.

* Always well-hydrated. Always. Mostly water, juice, or tea, she doesn't drink soda very often. Doesn't mind it though and the caffeine doesn't seem to affect her much, but the fizzing's weird.

* She doesn't really give outward signs of desperation. She doesn't bounce around or grab herself. The most she'll do is press her thighs together, or cross legs if she's sitting. Usually she just tries to stand still and focus on keeping control, and will be less talkative. Usually she's very observant of her peers and the situations around her, so her classmates can tell something's up when she gets like this and keeps missing details or not joining conversations.

* Still appears pretty calm, even when bursting. You'd have to know her very well to tell that she's nervous.

* Not shy at all about asking/leaving to go when needed, unless it's an extremely formal or serious situation. Even so, if genuinely close to wetting she'd excuse herself or find a way to take care of it.

* If desperate during an actual hero mission, she would intentionally wet herself as soon as the need started affecting her performance. Pride isn't worth making errors and putting others' lives at risk, and taking time to find a hiding place/get out of her costume wouldn't be an option.

* No problem going outside or in odd receptacles, even around friends. She's not going to go out in the open, but has no problem going while someone keeps watch or asking for a bottle during a long bus ride.

* Pretty chill about going in water, but still has standards. In the shower/further out in the ocean where it doesn't affect people? Perfectly fine. In the pool or a closed lake where people are hanging out? That just makes you a jerk. River? Depends on whether it's a super clean stream or already gross, and where it leads to.

* No omo ki/nk to speak of. Pretty confused about it, but perfectly chill with giving it a try if someone asks.

Kyo/ka (earphone girl) :

* Average bladder. High pain tolerance. Can hold for a while longer if necessary, but she'll struggle/wet eventually.

* Not shy at all about leaving/asking, barring special circumstances. Not a fan about going in weird places/outdoors, but will if she has to. She'll gripe about it though.

* Doesn't get nervous so much as frustrated when desperate. She's the type to bang on the door to snap at someone to hurry up, or yell at the bus driver to pull over before she soaks their seat. Her squirming is mainly just leg crossing or jiggling when seated, foot tapping when standing. Lots of sighing/growling and grumbling to take her mind off of it.

* If she's genuinely close to losing control though or in one of those special circumstances, she won't be nearly as frustrated. Instead she gets unusually shy and quiet, withdrawing to the corner and trying to stay unnoticed while she squirms and whines under her breath.

* Will only grab herself once she's on the verge of losing it. This is when she gets truly nervous and starts to panic.

* Wetting is embarrassing no matter what, but her reaction heavily depends on the circumstances. Close friends can comfort her after some sulking and then she can kind of chuckle about it. Regular peers get some threats not to talk about it, then she'll withdraw for a few days before she can get over it. Strangers she just tries to get out of there ASAP and wants to crawl under a rock

* Probably has a pretty big omo kin/k (mostly seeing others desperate, but sometimes indulges herself), but she's super embarrassed about it. You'd have to work real hard to get her to bring it up/ask you to participate. If she can though, oh boy is she gonna be into it. She gets a real thrill out of the dominant side of it, teasing people and watching them squirm (she's a very affectionate dom so expect some kisses and hugs while she casually straddles your bladder), breaking down their defenses until they lose control just for her. She does love being the sub on occasion though, it's nice to be the one flustered and nervous/having to be coddled for a change since she's usually so chill and tough.

Ko/da (animal whisperer) :

* Average bladder despite his large stature. Not overly weak, not overly strong. Mild pain tolerance. Can force himself to hold on for an exceptionally long time if necessary, but will be much weaker and prone to accidents afterwards.

* Pretty dang shy about asking/leaving, and is also legit bladdershy in public restrooms unless they're completely empty. Usually holds it during classes and then slips back to his dorm room's private restroom during lunch hour. Once he grows comfortable enough around certain friends he can use their dorm/house bathrooms, but that still takes some coaxing and a lot of visits to ease into it.

* He actually has less trouble going outside as long as there's plenty of cover and nobody's around (like a forest or smth). Animals don't judge the way people do. It's definitely not his first choice, but between say, a campground public bathroom and the woods, he'll take the woods.

* While most of his classmates/teachers in 1-A have gotten to know him enough to understand most of his miming communication, when he has to spend time with other classes/teachers or strangers in town, it can be a struggle. He's much more hesitant to 'speak up' about his need in the first place, and even once he does they don't really understand at first and it gets really embarrassing (short of doing an actual potty dance or starting to leak they might not figure it out in time). Sometimes he just writes it down instead/types it on his phone, which helps, but he's so used to charade communication that half the time he forgets that's an option.

* He tries not to be too obvious about his need when desperate, but isn't the best at hiding it. He gets really sweaty and can't quite wipe the nervous expression off his face, and his body posture is really tense and shaky. To be fair, he looks nervous a lot of the time, so most people might not pick up on the exact reason unless they know him well.

* When it gets REALLY bad he starts to squirm a little, pressing his knees together or rocking on his heels, shuffling in his seat, or the classic 'both hands gripping the edge of the chair with legs on either side, but you're not actually grabbing your crotch so it isn't obvious right?'. Any further and he'll do the actual crotch grab and a full potty dance, complete with tears budding in the corners of his eyes and little whining hums and whimpers.

* If he wets, he will be completely humiliated. Horribly ashamed, trying to clean up the mess but with no idea how, crying and on the verge of panic. That's all just alone. Have it happen in front of friends or in public and it's even worse, because now they're all gonna think he's a baby and not cool like them and he doesn't know whether to keep apologizing/crying or run away to hide forever.

* Luckily he's pretty easy to comfort once people try. He won't learn to laugh about it or anything but if people convince him they aren't mad or gonna make fun of him, he can meekly accept the offer to hang out or go back to join whatever group he left once he's cleaned up and had time to decompress.

* Doesn't really have an omo kin/k, but is a big sub with a humiliation kin/k so he could go along with it for his partner. He kinda likes the whole squirmy, blushy side of it and all the comfort and spoiling he gets afterwards uvu

Pi/xie Bob (blonde kitty teacher from the summer camp arc) :

* I actually don't have many for her since she was only in a few episodes, I just think she's really cute and cool

* Probably pretty good bladder capacity and strength to hold. High pain tolerance and endurance

* Would wet during a mission to avoid making mistakes bc she's a professional and isn't that embarrassed in the moment, but she thinks it's kinda gross and will shower ASAP afterwards. Also because her group is kind of idol-esque so there's a reputation on the line.

* Will go outdoors without much fuss if she needs to, but definitely prefers more civilized accommodations. You know she's got a nicer private bathroom than whatever general camp one the others have to use. Pros get privileges.

* Bounces/whines a lot when desperate and kind of paws at her crotch without really grabbing it. Lots of leg crossing and wriggling/hunching over. Only when by herself or with her close friends though. If she's in Pro-Hero mode trying to make good impressions or teaching camps, she can mask her needs remarkably well to focus on the task at hand. She forgets what she's saying periodically or has a shakier smile, but that's about it.

* FYI those giant cat paw gloves make getting a decent grip on her crotch imPAWsible

* Wetting is kind of embarrassing but she's also super relieved so it kind of balances out. Unless it happened live on tv or smth she'd probably be able to get over it pretty quickly. In front of any camper students she'd be embarrassed on the inside, but not let the flustering show. Instead she turns it into a teachable moment.

* Could have an omo kin/k or could not. We don't know a ton about her so I like flexible hcs.

#omorashi #omocute #fandomo #fictomo #bear gets a letter #boku no omo

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monster-asylum · 6 years

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Laize { A New Character }

Hey guys! So um, get ready because This is gonna be a long post due to how many images I'm going to insert and how much about this piece I have to say :). So recently I've been dabbling a lot in my art style and experimenting (as I've mentioned a lot in my previous posts). Currently I'm trying to develop my style to a more solid one. Like my posts before, the style I refer to is that really BJD inspired art style. However I like the idea of being able to do more than one style. And I noticed in a few artists I really like (specifically in their Commissions stuff) they sometimes have two or three style you can choose to get from them (not including chibi). And I thought hey that's a pretty neat idea! But I barely have one style in place so how could I possibly start trying to do another? So I figured I'd focus on two, the BJD inspired one, and one that's more..what I'd call pointy and geometric? Basically the second style I'm going for is inspired by Jhonen Vasquez (the creater of Invader Zim and Johnny The Homicidal Maniac for those who don't know, just search up either of those and you'll immediately see and maybe recognize his style), and kind of Tim Burton cause why not? I picked those two styles specifically for me to focus on, because I noticed that whenever I doodle I tended to always draw something that leans towards a BJD anime-ish style or a pointy geometric sketchy style. I feel for me personally this is the best way to develop my skills a little more ^=^ and with this piece I also feel like It worked out extremely well!

IG: @c.k.kainz

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST OR USE MY ART WITHOUT CREDIT AND PERMISSION

I'm also going to include some other versions, because I ended up kind of playing around with the colors of the lining and the backround and I liked all of them ^-^, and I wasn't sure which one to pick so I figured why not post them all and ask for your guy's opinion :).

Version B

Version C

Version D

Version E

This last one is really just for fun cause I thought it looked cool.

Let me know which version you like best in the comments!!

A bit about Laize

So Laize is a character I decided to make recently for some very specific reasons. Normally, I don't do a lot of vent art. The reason being because when I do, I never feel like the characters I use for it and what not fully express whatever I'm feeling. I tend to vent more through writing things as a result but I always feel this yearning to vent through drawings and doodles too. Even when I use myself as the drawings subject it just never feels fully right. So I decided why not instead, make a character the can represent some of the things I struggle most with. I'm an extremely anxious person, my anxiety can be off the scale in the blink of an eye and it doesn't take much at all for something to cause me to start shaking. So my anxiety is one of the biggest struggles I have in my daily life, and also one of the hardest things for me to express fully. This character is meant to help with that. I guess you could say they are a venting OC? But I personally wouldn't call them that, see I feel like they are much more. I do plan to use them for things other than vent art anyways. But it's a character meant to be more personally and more self identifying to me (but still not a self insert either btw. They aren't supposed to actually be me). Also, I'm sure you've noticed my use of they/them pronouns, that is due to my decision of making them nonbinary (like myself). I felt it was appropriate for a character this important and this personal yknow? Anyways that's all the info I can give about them for now~

PHEW...this is the longest blog I've ever made honestly ;-; but to those of you that actually read through all of that stuff thank you so much!!!

#original characters #original character #original art #original content #digital drawing #digital art #art style #artist #art #my art #oc #my characters #art improvement

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goldenkiva · 4 years

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unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever.

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

#jack txt

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