#again next few updates can prove me wrong but like

[generalsmemories]

i am kindly asking you to please elaborate your discussion about dan heng's past bcos it's really interesting

Oh bestie buckle up then-

Dan Heng's past is very complicated. If we only go from the character stories from Dan Heng's character screen we get to know that he was on the run since as long as he can remember - and that he was essentially born in prison - That is the past that Dan Heng REMEMBERS.

But if we want to dig deeper, we go to inner turmoils and dipping down the very essence of Vidyadhara's - which is the route I'm going here.

Here's an overview that I'm going to go explain about Dan Heng's character as a whole:

An explanation of the short animation: "Ichor of Two Dragons" which can further explain the last point below:

Dan Feng and how Dan Heng is a continuation of Dan Feng. As in: Dan Feng is Dan Heng's past, but Dan Heng is Dan Feng's future.

literally settle down and grab some water while you read through i'm pretty darn sure this is going to be a long one although i'll try to just say the main points - if there are anything within this post that confuses you do ask me and i'll elaborate further!

A few things you should know before continuing: I will most likely mention leaks and I will talk about religion (buddhism in particular) So this is in no way spoiler free so read with own caution, thank u <3

I hope we can all agree on the fact that Dan Heng is a chinese character with heavy buddhist themes. As such I do want you to read through this post with that thought at the back of your mind (speaking from a buddhist myself, the way how hoyoverse incorporated the various aspects of it with the Vidyadhara and to that extent, Dan Heng is very beautiful)

As such, the saying that: "Dan Heng and Dan Feng are the exact same person." and "Dan Heng and Dan Feng are two completely different people," are takes that misses the point of his entire story and thus also downgrades his final resolution as well.

That will be all from what I personally want you do to, enjoy the rest of this HAHA

1. Explanation of the animated short: "Ichor of Two Dragons"

The animation starts off with the High Cloud Quintet drinking together, this is inherently Dan Feng's memory re-experienced by Dan Heng. This memory is something he actually accepts without complaint, even smiling like he's personally there experiencing it.

Conflict however soon breaks out between Dan Heng and Dan Feng - which marks the start of Dan Heng's internal conflict - thus all of his fears, traums and doubts resurface in the form of his past self.

NOTE HOWEVER: that the Dan Feng portrayed throughout this entire animation isn't actually Dan Feng. It is instead a reflection of Dan Heng's own thoughts and beliefs that causes him inner turmoil.

It's not meant to be interpreted as a literal battle against Dan Heng and Dan Feng.

Everything that "Dan Feng" says up till the point where they clash are Dan Heng's own thoughts and what he's been taught to believe since his rebirth in the Shackling Prison - where he was subjected to indoctrination about Dan Feng, his past life's sin and the punishment he must bear.

Which also in hindsight does tell a LOT about how Dan Heng himself perceives Dan Feng: An arrogant and unfeeling person - and thus is so different from himself. Dan Feng is to Dan Heng the very reason everything bad has happened to him in his life, and as a result fiercely wants to detach himself from him.

It's understandable really, when you were taught that your very existence is a sin in itself because of the narrative surrounding Dan Feng is that of a villain - and then your very own identity feels threatened because it's associated with said "vilain."

This line in particular tells a lot about how Dan Heng is very much aware that he can't keep running. It's a reflection of the harsh truth that Dan Heng himself is aware of. Joining the express while not having a clear aim or destination of his own is never a permament solution for his desire to escape the past.

Speaking of said clash, a direct fight doesn't happen before Dan Heng asserts the fact he is not Dan Feng.

This is the obvious instance that Dan Heng rejects an integral part of himself, and it's the very same rejection to said identity that generates both chaos, conflict and inner turmoil that takes the form of a fight. A fight that goes on until Dan Heng eventually gets submerged by Dan Feng's waters and the dragon after he's told he has nowhere to run.

"Nowhere to run" is mentioned a lot throughout Dan Heng's story. The saying itself is a reference to Dan Heng's karma that he refuses to confront the consequences of. Karma in this instant is something that transcends the cycle of rebirth (samsara) and in thus reflected in the line of "a past life's sin must be repaid in this one"

NOW. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THE LAST SENTENCE. CAUSE HE'S A NEW PERSON, WHY MUST HE REPAY HIS PAST INCARNATIONS' SIN IF HE HIMSELF DIDN'T DO IT?

Let me tell you! From the perspective of a buddhist!

In modern times, the usage of the word karma has really wilted down to saying that "Karma will come back to bite your ass" etc. In a way saying that if you don't try to fix a fuck up that you did recently, you would get consequences for it later DOWN THE ROAD.

Meanwhile, in buddhist tradition, karma refers to actions driven by intention. Samsara and karma are so intregrated that the karmic intentions and accumulations of the actions you've done in one life wil be the determining factor in what kind of rebirth you will have in the next life.

Karma will come to bite you in the ass yes, but especially in your next lifetime if you continue doing actions with ill intent - going as far to being the one determining factor if you're gonna live a peaceful, nice life or be reborn as a bug.

Why should that matter, you ask?

You remember Blade telling Dan Heng that he has NEVER experienced death? Because it is indeed true. The Vidyadhara molts themeslves to essentially fix their bodies and enter a new rebirth cycle - as such, avoiding death.

It's a different body, but the soul - their essence is still the same.

I'll come back more to this later, but for now let's continue explaining the animation.

It's ONLY when Dan Heng asserts the fact that Dan Feng is right that a change happpens. In the english translation given he says: "You're right. You are my past, but you won't follow me into my future!" it's only when he accepts that fact that he's able to stop being suffocated by the water - even embracing the same thing that tried to drown him and using it as his own power, able to manipulate it and even turn the dragon back on its first caster.

Now, the most vital part (and also in my opinion, the most beautiful one) is the fact that the fight doesn't end with Dan Heng striking down Dan Feng.

It ends with Dan Heng passing by Dan Feng and dispersing the dragon into rain instead. It ends with Dan Heng accepting that past. Accepting Dan Feng as a part of himself.

Now, a thing I realized with the english translation is that it goes a different way than what both the chinese voice and jp dub had said. I listen to the JP dub, and I do have better listening comprehension to the spoken language than written. While the english version goes with the: "You are my past, but you won't follow me into my future!"

Both the chinese version and jp version says something more akin to: "You are my past, but you are by no means my future!" It's slightly the same, but this final resolution said in that way instead holds a lot more weight and nuance.

The fight starts with Dan Heng rejecting Dan Feng, but ends with the opposite. Dan Heng is accepting that yes, he was once Dan Feng - but he's not going to let that define him entirely as a person or let that define his future entirely.

Another difference in translation that english has compared to the jp dub that I noticed (can't speak for chinese voice here) is the ending with Welt, March and the trailblazer appearance.

While ENG Welt asks if Dan Heng is alright. The JP version rather asks: "Did you remember something?"

In ENG, Dan Heng responds the question with: "Mm. Just reminiscing," in JP, he answers something along the lines of: "Something from long ago."

(i would like to also point out that march noticed him smiling and wasn't just like: "GIVE ME A SMILE!" out of nowhere to ease him, but more like: "Oh you're smiling! How rare, hey do it one more time!") ( ´ ▽ ` ).｡ｏ♡ oh my dear express family.

In a way, phrasing a memory from your past self in that way just holds a lot more weight with Dan Heng's acceptance of his past, by referring to Dan Feng's memories as memories from long ago rather than labeling it as something separate.

In conclusion, the animated short is only the start of Dan Heng's story (as I very much hoped it would be) and not a conclusion. With this animation, it has established Dan Heng's goal as a character and sets the stage for the future of his character (AND THUS MORE DEVELOPMENT YEEHAW!) It's a great starting point for Dan Heng to find a way to reconcile the past and the present to finally be able to face his future.

2. Dan Feng and how Dan Heng is a continuation of Dan Feng. As in: Dan Feng is Dan Heng's past, but Dan Heng is Dan Feng's future.

Now, here is where some leaks actually comes in (Moreso one leak of Jingliu's voicelines-)

Remember how I mentioned earlier that we would come back to the essence of the soul and how Vidyadhara have different bodies after every rebirth, but the same soul. Yeah, WE ARE BACK TO THAT AGAIN TOO!

The clash between Dan Feng and Dan Heng in the short animation wsa an emotional one, it was a clash between Dan Heng and his inner turmoil that essentially ended with no true winner. Rather it showed Dan Heng's slow acceptrance with coming in terms with his own past and accepting continous nature of his identity.

Because if you look at it this way with the knowledge that the same Vidyadhara will forever bear the same soul - Dan Heng would be considered the cumulative result of all his past lives and his current one.

There is a continuity of identity as it undergoes the cycle of rebirth, where each new incarnation is an augmentation of the previous one. As such, in the world of Star Rail, identity is not fixed, but fluid. It changes, but it's still the same soul from the very first one.

The new identity changes and evolves with each incarnation, with information by the experiences of the previous one. Most Vidyadhara have belongings that their previous incarnation have left behind, notes left behind them - and the few I've met in the open world of Star Rail do also come to love whatever their previous incarnation loved.

And as mentioned in an older post (that i'm way too lazy to dig up at this point lmfao) A newborn Vidyadhara usually gets pardoned the sins of their past life - but Dan Heng is a special case because of the emphasis of a FLAWED rebirth - as such he more than anyone have gotten the treatment of a life's past sins must be repaid in this one because his very essence and soul is closer to a continuity of his past one than other Vidyadhara.

Again, I desperately want you all to view this through the lens of a buddhist and understand that Dan Heng is written from an asian perspective. The complexity of karma and samsara in buddhism is the fact that it's flexible, fluid and a dynamic process - There is no set linear relationship between an action done and its result. The effect of the deed is not solely determined by the deed itself as well - but rather by the nature of the person who commited the deed and by the circumstances in which it is committed.

Because Karma in itself is not a judgement imposed by some God, we don't believe in a god after all. It is instead the results of a natural process, a result of certain experiences in life which were the results of previous actions. Unjust behaviour can lead to unfavorable circumstances which makes it easier for the person to commit more unjust behaviour, but again. You're free to commit more unjust behaviour, but you're also free to not do so.

Which means that the journey of the soul isn't linear by all means, it's cyclical with each end of one being the beginning of the next cycle: The result of what happened in one life becomes the starting point for the next life.

Dan Heng's major character points is the struggle of identity. And the character stories from his IL form shows the evident struggle with identity again - Mind you, these character stories for Dan Heng: Imbibitor Lunae are just a recollection of important point in Dan Feng's life being dreamt about when he was forced through rebirth)

Jingliu's leaked voiceline about Dan Feng gives us the confirmation that to become the High Elder means losing your own identity to a certain degree - even to the point that your very physical appearance morphs to resemble the Primordial Imbibitor Lunae (the very first one)

I want to preface as to where we stand as of right now, the current perception of Dan Feng is of an unfeeling, aloof and arrogant person. Someone who caused suffering to his next reincarnation - But by doing Dan Heng's companion quest alone it raises so many arguments that's so far from the truth. (HECK EVEN BAILU MANAGES TO SEE THAT DAN FENG COULD'VE BEEN A GENTLE PERSON)

Because as much as the fandom want Dan Heng to be separated from Dan Feng because he's his own person, it wouldn't be wrong to assume that Dan Feng yearned freedom too, no?

What if Dan Feng also yearned for freedoom amongst the stars, maybe the reason why Dan Feng severed the High Elder succession like he did - maybe he wanted his future selves to not be bound by the same shackles like he was? It wouldn't be farfetched, right?

Dan Feng is indeed Dan Heng's past. His memories, experiences, abilities, powers and EVEN PERSONAL items were once Dan Feng's. It is now Dan Heng's, but again. Dan Heng was once Dan Feng too.

As such, Dan Heng is Dan Feng's future - a future where he's able to attain the freedom he wanted.

ANYWAYS. I FRIED MY BRAIN CAUSE I WROTE 80% OF THIS IN ONE SETTING, SOME THINGS PROBABLY DOES'T MAKE SENSE AT ALL BUT YEAH! DO ASK IN THE ASKBOX AS I'VE SAID BEFORE. IF YA READ THIS FAR AND STILL RETAIN YOUR BRAINCELLS THAN WOW

I APPLAUD YOU HAHA

#narus' message corner #anon #this took more time than it should've because i procastinated im so sorry anon #but i hope ya'll enjoy #again next few updates can prove me wrong but like #from reading and rewatching the short animation and the other animation numerous times #i just lean more into this more than anything #i hope it wasn't too personalized either #i really try to not be subjective in these sort of analysises after all HAHA #dan heng #honkai star rail

[seunmong-in]

🌅Sunsets in Sydney🌅

Genre: Fluff, childhood best friend to lovers, Idol! Felix x Reader, Humor, slight cursing, she fell first but he fell harder. 

Words: 2.1k 

Summary: After being on tour for a whole year, Felix is finally back in Sydney for a well-deserved break. While he is ecstatic to be with his family again, there’s one person who he wants to see most. His childhood best friend and crush, Y/N. 

A/n: Okay, can I start this off by saying, Holy crap… Thank you to all who like or reblogged my first fanfic with Han!! ( click his name if you wanna read it ! ) I honestly thought it wasn’t that good since I wrote it in a very sleep-deprived state, lol. But y’all proved me wrong🥹❤️‍🩹 That said, I hope you guys also like this story with Felix! Like always, if you have any feedback or want to make a special request just DM me!! Here’s also my latest one with Seungmin as well 🫶🏼

P.S Does anyone else have “that’s not very nice” stuck in their head too?

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⋅•⋅⊰∙∘

365 days. 

That's how long Felix has been away from the place he calls home. And no, he doesn't mean his actual home back in Sydney. He means being away from his childhood best friend, Y/n. 

Felix and Y/n have been best friends since grade school. They have always been there for each other, from performing in talent shows to caring for each other when one falls ill. They are like two peas in a pod; wherever one goes, the other is sure to follow.

On the day Felix had to tell Y/n that he was leaving Sydney to become an idol in Korea, he broke down crying. He was worried that being thousands of miles away from his closest friend would strain their relationship. As he was about to board the plane, he turned around to see Y/n waving goodbye to him with tears streaming down her face, and he couldn't help but cry, too.

Surprisingly, Felix and Y/n's friendship didn't end after that day. Instead, their bond grew even stronger. Y/N would constantly update Felix through text or calls, sharing the details of her day and making sure he didn't miss out on anything important. While Felix enjoyed receiving these updates, what he loved most was the pictures his mom would send him of Y/n with his family on small family trips. Seeing her smile and taking selfies with his sisters always warmed his heart.

He had already surpassed the stage of simply developing feelings for Y/n. Felix adored her. He loved her. Whenever he watched a video of a couple on TikTok or Instagram, he imagined how to recreate the same videos with Y/n by his side. His heart skipped when Y/n surprised him at one of his earlier concerts with Olivia and Hannah, Chan's sister. The memory of her dancing his part of God's Menu while Hannah danced Chan's part on the big screen was something he would never forget. Since that night, Felix had been planning to confess his love to Y/n, and he decided to do it under the sunset in Sydney.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽

Under the hot summer sun, Felix's freckled face is lit up with a big smile as his family rushes to greet him. Olivia is the first to embrace him, screaming, "Oh my God, do you even know how I miss you, Lix?!"

Felix laughed, embracing his youngest sister and repeating, "I miss you more." He noticed that Olivia had grown a bit since the last time he saw her and that her hair was now dyed at the ends. Noticing her brother staring at her hair, Olivia mentioned that Y/N did it a few days ago at one of their usual girls' nights. His mom and dad were the next two to hug him tightly, with his mom shedding a few happy tears.

"I say this every time, but I am so happy to have my baby back home."

Felix wraps his arms around his mom, hugging her as he says, "I am happy to be back home to Mom."

Felix was sitting in the back of a car, his mind preoccupied with thoughts of Y/n. He was waiting for her message, asking if he had reached home safely, but he had yet to receive any message from her. Although this was unusual, he assumed she might be busy.

Suddenly, Olivia abruptly interrupts Felix's train of thought, "So, are you finally going to ask Y/n to be your girlfriend while you're here, or are we still sticking to the whole 'she's just my best friend' excuse?" The unexpected question catches Felix off guard. His face turns red with embarrassment as his mother turns her head around from the passenger seat, waiting for a response.

Avoiding eye contact with his mother and sister, Felix clears his throat, allowing himself to find the right words.

"Um.. what makes you think I even have feelings for her?"

Olivia stares at her older brother, scolding him with his earlier response, "Felix be so fucking for real right now. It's obvious you have feelings for Y/n. You look at her as if she is your whole world, your face lights up with a smile whenever she texts you, and you always seem to find a way to talk about her when we talk on the phone. If that doesn't scream, "I am in love with my best friend," then I don't know what does. Oh, and before you go and argue with me about this, even the boys agree that you are completely strung up on her. So do us all a favor and tell her how you feel, will you?"

Felix sighs as he looks up to see his sister's gaze. He knew he had to come clean now before his plans got ruined. 

"Have I mentioned how much I dislike you sometimes, Liv?"

"Yeah, but I'm your favorite sister, so start spilling before I call Hyunjin and have him tell Y/n to you." 

During the last five minutes of their car ride, Felix confided in his family about his plan to ask Y/n out when they reached the house. He made them promise not to say anything to Y/n about his plan since he wanted to create a memorable and private moment between them.

As Felix's father pulled into the driveway, Felix noticed Y/n's car parked across the street. His heart raced as he jumped out of the car, ignoring his mother's yelling about not going inside yet. 

Felix barges through the main door and stops when he sees the handmade "Welcome Home Lixie" banner that Y/n was struggling to put up. He chuckles softly and leans by the living room doorway, watching as she gets on her tiptoes to hook the string onto the nail.

"You know, I could've helped you put up the banner, sunshine if you would've waited a little longer."

Y/n turns around to find Felix smirking. Blushing, she runs to him and hugs him. He hugs her back, lifting her up and spinning her around.

Trying not to cry on his shoulders, Y/n ever so softly whispers, "You have no idea how much I missed your hugs, Lix."

"Me too, sunshine, it's been way too long."

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⋅•⋅⊰∙∘

After returning home and having dinner early, Felix went upstairs to his room. There, he discovered a welcome-home basket in the center of his bed. The basket contained his favorite candies, face masks, a small chicken plushie, and gift cards to his preferred places. Felix smiled, realizing that it was a gift from Y/n. She was always the type to spoil others with gifts, even if it was a small occasion. Looking through the gifts in the basket, he heard a soft knock on the door, and Y/n walked in. When Felix looked up at her, they locked eyes for the second time that day. Time seemed to come to a standstill, and after a while, Y/n was the first to break the silence.

"I hope you like it; I saw it on Tiktok late last night and thought I should make you one."

"I love it a lot; thank you, sunshine." 

He gives her a soft smile and motions for her to sit with him on the bed. She walks over and sits beside him, watching him unwrap more gifts. Y/n can't help but laugh as Felix brings the chicken plushie up to his face, jokingly asking, "Do you think it looks like me?"

"As much as I want to say yes, I feel like I am going betray BbokAri, so I must lie and say no."

Felix and Y/n laugh as Felix places the plushie back on the shelf behind him. The room lights up in a golden hue, indicating the sun is about to set. Without wasting more time, Felix takes Y/n's hand and leads her out of his room and towards his car.

"Lix, what are you doing? Where are we going?"

"I was hoping we could watch the sunset together again, just like we did as kids. It's been quite some time since the last time we did, and let's face it, we're not getting any younger. Before we know it, we'll be as old as old man Chan."

""I'm going to tell him you said that," she says, laughing as she follows him to his car. They both jump in and drive to the nearby beach.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⋅•⋅⊰∙∘

As the car pulled onto the sandy shore, Felix practically flew out of his side to open the door for Y/n. She beamed with delight as she stepped out, feeling the warm sand under her toes. Felix swiftly closed the car door and took her hand, leading her towards the beach. The sky was ablaze with a breathtaking display of pink and orange hues as the sun descended below the horizon.

"I forgot how pretty the sunset could be when you can see the reflection on the water."

"I know, but it's even prettier with you beside me," Felix responds. 

Y/n stands before Felix, unsure if he is joking or serious. He chuckles as she becomes flustered.

"You know that's not very nice."

"What isn't sunshine?"

"You saying that to me and not explaining what you mean," Y/n states as she turns away from him. 

Felix grabs Y/n by her waist and spins her, holding her close. Y/n's face flushes a deep shade of pink as she catches her breath. They've been close for years, but something feels different about this moment. There's a palpable tension in the air, a feeling of unspoken love that's hard to ignore. Felix looks deep into Y/n's eyes, examining how the sun's warm glow illuminates them. The sound of waves crashing against the shore adds to the moment's magic. Fighting the urge to kiss her immediately, Felix takes a deep breath as he stares into her eyes. 

"Do you remember why I decided to return home for a break instead of staying in the dorms with the boys?" Puzzled by his random question, Y/n nods her head, looking back into his dark brown eyes. 

"Of course I do. It was because you wanted to be with your family since you were homesick, Lix."

"You're right. But there's something important that I need to tell you, something that should've been said from the very beginning. Y/n, I like you. I'm in love with you. I love you so much that it hurts not to have you by my side most days or even to call you mine. The night before I left Sydney, I intended to confess my feelings to you, but I knew it was bad timing since I was leaving, and I didn't want to end our friendship. So, I kept it to myself for years. However, seeing you with Liv and Hannah at our concert earlier this year, dancing and singing to our songs, made me realize that what I felt for you was more than just a simple grade school crush. Y/n, I'd be lying if I said you weren't the person I want to spend the rest of my life with because I do. I want you to be mine, my only sunshine. And if you don't feel the same way, I understand..."

Felix was toward the end of his sentence when Y/n suddenly cut him off by pressing her lips against his. It was a bold move, but she had been crushing on Felix for what felt like an eternity and couldn't hold back any longer. When they finally pulled away, Felix looked at Y/n with a knowing smile, pressing his forehead on hers. In a very soft voice, Felix finally finishes his sentence. 

"I cannot imagine spending a single day without you by my side anymore. Will you do me the greatest honor of all and be mine forever?

""Until forever stops existing, my love."

#stray kids #straykids imagines #straykids smau #stray kids fake texts #stray kids x reader #straykids fluff #lee felix #lee yongbok #skz scenarios #skz imagines #skz fluff #skz fanfic #skz stay #skz x y/n #skz smau #stray kids imagine

[missmeinyourbones]

TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE (suna x reader)

cw: implied AFAB reader (baby bump), lots of mentions of pregnancy & parenthood, doctors office talk, i think reader is referred to as mom twice ?? expecting-dad!suna, slightly suggestive bc he’s annoying. you know i’ve officially locked in a character when i start writing parent content for them LMFAO

part two

The plush chair of the doctor’s office is surprisingly comfortable, or maybe it’s the fact that your body aches with a soreness that can’t be relieved for another 6 months.

It’s not your first time making yourself cozy in the chair, nor is it your husband’s first time sitting beside you, palms locked together as he mindlessly rubs circles to your knuckles. 

However, it is your first time being this big at a doctor’s appointment, now approaching your second trimester and growing by (what feels like) the second.

The pressure in your back slightly fades with the support of the pillowy examination chair. Between it’s relieving comfort and Suna’s relaxing touches, you almost find yourself drifting off to sleep while waiting for the obstetrician. 

Lucky you, Suna’s voice lures you back to reality.

“If it’s a girl, you owe me twenty bucks,” he mumbles against your hand, bringing it to his lips to press a kiss to the cold back of your palm. As his tongue briefly swipes the skin, he faintly tastes the hand sanitizer you used after entering the room.

He grins when you tsk at his comment before reminding him, “We are not betting money on the sex of our child.”

He sighs in faux disappointment before pretending to mull over your empty scold.

“Fine, if it’s a girl… you have to blow me,” he settles on, looking rather pleased with the compromise. 

“That’s what got us pregnant in the first place, Rin.”

“Technically, no. What got us pregnant was when you—”

“And if it’s a boy?” you’re quick to cut off whatever crude memory weighs heavy on his tongue. 

“If it’s a boy...” he takes a moment to think the possibility over before his eyes light up with cocky realization, “then I’ll never ask you to get on top, ever again.”

His grin grows when your laughter echoes throughout the room. “Fucking deal,” you give in with little to no persuasion needed. 

The doctor knocks a pattern on the door, and you’re suddenly overwhelmingly grateful that she didn’t choose to knock thirty seconds prior. She waits for your call of confirmation before entering the room with a soft, reserved smile.

Not an obstetrician you’ve met with before, but not still adorned with professionalism, she greets the two of you with a comforting hospitality. Once all introductions and updates are out of the way, she slides her stool over where you sit. Suna doesn’t move from your side, even when the doctor struggles to wiggle in between his chair and the counter to squeeze by. 

“Alright, Mom and Dad, let’s take a look,” she slides on a pair of plastic gloves, signaling for you to lift your shirt and expose your bump. 

You wince slightly when she rubs the cool gel across your sensitive skin, and though he chuckles beneath his breath at your reaction, you feel Suna’s hand gently squeeze yours a few times in reassurance. 

The two of you watch intently as the doctor cautiously drags the transducer around your stomach, searching for the clearest image of your growing baby. Switching positions a few times, she points out a handful of quick images including tiny toes and twitching fingers. 

With the heartwarming flashes on the monitor, Suna excitedly remembers your harmless bet. He shifts in his chair, now impatient to prove you wrong. 

“Do you know if we can find out the gender today?”

The doctor wears a expression of doubt, “No, I don’t think so. Since there’s two of them, they’re tinier than babies normally are at this point in the pregnancy. You should be able to find out at your next appointment when—”

Your heart thumps heavily in your chest. You interrupt her mid-explanation, “Sorry, two of them?”

The doctor removes her focused gaze from the monitor and over to where the two of you gawk at her casual reveal of such an important, life-altering detail. 

“Yeah, you’re having twins,” her eyes wearily flicker between you and your husband. “Did you…not know that already?”

“The last doctor didn’t say anything about twins,” Suna retorts with surprise that somehow still drips of sarcasm, “think we would’ve remembered that part.”

Still in shock, you don’t have it in you to berate his impolite comment. Instead, your eyes remain bulging at the monitor displaying a black and white blob of baby, or rather babies. 

You do your best to keep your tone level as you digress, “You’re sure you’re reading it correctly?”

The doctor confirms with a confident nod, “Positive.”

Her hand returns to navigating the transducer around your stomach, gliding it in all different angles to attempt to prove her conclusion. 

“There’s one,” she stops on an image that though shaky, clearly depicts the outline of a head.

“And...there’s two,” she grins, slightly moving the device a bit to the left to reveal another identical forming head.

She goes between the two images as proof before applauding, “Congratulations, double the fun.”

The rest of the appointment whizzes by in a blur of disbelief and anticipation. The doctor books your next appointment, as well as giving you multiple pamphlets on your next trimester, explaining in simple terms what changes and symptoms to expect. You nod along, only half-listening as the thumping of your heart in your chest distracts you. 

She eventually leaves with the same friendliness she came with, but the room feels different from before she entered. There’s a hovering uneasiness that suffocates your thoughts. If your silence wasn’t loud enough, your heavy breathing was an indicator for Suna to bounce into action. 

He brings his idle hand up to your cheek, letting his fingers gently caress the clammy skin. 

“Y’okay, pretty?” he cautiously mumbles, eyes flickering over your dazed expression. 

Realizing how alarming your silence must be, you bring yourself to nod in reassurance. “Yeah. I mean it’s insane, but I’m okay,” you truthfully bare before turning the tables with a hesitant whisper.

“Are you?”

You anxiously await his response, because though unexpected and jarring to say the very least, you know that you can handle twins. A blessing of good karma granted to you through the form of an extra heartbeat. It’s incredible, but ultimately, you know it’s not what Suna signed up for. 

You haven’t a clue of where his head is at. Maybe this is too much for him, maybe he’s second guessing everything he knows about being an expecting father, maybe this is all he needed to up and abandon this whole relationship and—

“Are you kidding?” his voice is soft, but the smile on his face is anything but as it spreads from ear to ear, “I’m fucking amped.”

You don’t realize you started crying until his fingers are wet with salt and his coos are pressed into your skin. You laugh in relief at his giddy response, all emotion and stress and fear leaving your body through a release of happy tears. 

“Good,” you release a wet laugh before leaning further into his touch, “it’s just shocking, y’know?” 

Suna nods with an empathy he saves just for you, “I know, but we’ll be fine.” His words, though shaky and unverified, leave you feeling an instant wave of comfort. He squeezes your hand again before insisting, “Just gotta adjust the plan, right?”

You exhale, slumping against his shoulder, “Right.”

He places a few warm kisses to your temple, before allowing them to crawl to your forehead and cheeks. In between smooches against your skin, he murmurs.

“I mean,” kiss, “you were already gonna be a great mom to one kid,” kiss, “now you’re just gonna be a great mom to two,” kiss, kiss, kiss. 

He allows himself to hover over your lips for a moment, whispering the promise of a lifetime before allowing himself to kiss you where you need him the most.

“We’ll be alright, all four of us,” he concludes with a toothy smooch. 

You reaffirm his words against his lips, “We’ll be alright.”

Suna pulls away, getting a good look at you as he wipes any stray tears away he missed before. Like a cat, you purr beneath his touch and borderline nuzzle into the warmth of his hand. 

“Plus,” his eyebrows arch in a playful manner, “this just means that I fucked you so good, it knocked you up twice.”

Your scoff-chuckle hybrid is almost immediate, but still he marks it as a victory in his books. 

“Don’t think that’s how it works, Rin.”

“Just let me have it, will you?”

The moment is sweet, the only noises in the room being your shared breathing and the ticking of the clock hanging from the wall. The sudden jolt of Suna sitting up contrasts the peaceful moment. 

“Oh shit,” he furrows his eyebrows in deep thought. 

“What?!” you jump up from your seat, or try to. Within milliseconds, your husband’s cradling your stomach with one hand while sitting you back down with the other. 

“Careful, baby, sit down,” he breathlessly reprimands as he ushers you back into the seat, “It’s nothing, I just...realized something.” 

You glare at him with anxious expectancy, and he merely shakes his head in disbelief before grumbling out.  

“The Miya’s are gonna find this fucking hilarious.”

#suna rintaro #suna x reader #suna rintaro x reader #suna fluff #suna rintaro fluff #suna fic #suna rintaro fic #suna drabble #suna rintaro drabble #suna x you #suna rintaro x you #suna haikyuu #suna rintaro haikyuu

[romanarose]

Darkness on the Edge of Town: Epilouge

Chapter 1 : Chapter 2 : Chapter 3: Chapter 4 Masterlist Join my taglist

Fic Summary: Right before a mandatory FEDRA lockdown, Joel saved a woman in an ally from FEDRA guards and is forced to house her for the entire lockdown. I.e theres only one bed

Chapter Summary: Joel get's you out.

Warnings: Mostly just feas of potential SA, nothing that actually happens or is anything to be afraid of, mostly in reference to women being nervous around strange men

Immersability: Reader has no age gap, is implied to be approximately Joel's age, possibly older than Tommy. Is not concerned about pregnancy.

A/N: For readers of The Wrong Way on ym alt account, theres a few not so subtle easter eggs LMFAOOOO

*************

Tommy proved a lot easier to talk to, at least compared to Joel’s initial reaction to you. Still, you didn’t feel as comfortable with Tommy as you did by the end of your time with Joel. He was nice, friendly. Tommy was given a vehicle which made the journey shorter… if you knew where you were going. You realize the insanity of traveling across the country with a man you didn’t know, but what options did you have? He was safer than Ross to be sure. You had weighed the options before you left.

Joel told you the plan, that his brother would get you out, take you with him where he was going and leave you somewhere safe. Tommy had promised Joel it was somewhere safe, but wouldn’t tell him where. That was the deal, Tommy wouldn’t be telling Joel anything. He was supposed to check in with the fireflies and they would tell him updates that he was safe, and you were safe, but that was it. Then, Tommy would come back to Boston without you, and Joel wasn’t supposed to talk to Tommy ever again. The secrecy made you nervous, but Joel trusted Tommy completely. There wasn’t a single doubt in his mind that Tommy would get you to safety and that Tommy wouldn’t hurt you.

The other option was Ross. Ross, and whoever Ross let at you. You couldn’t fight off a gang of men, no matter how strong you were, how physically capable. 10 men were 10 men. Even if Tommy wanted something in return for taking you, you wouldn’t be thrilled but laying there and taking it was a more desirable to the alternative of Ross. Still, for days Tommy didn’t give any indication that he had any dark plans. 

He didn’t even seem like you were of any interest to him. You never caught him sneaking a peak when you relieved yourself or bathed, he never hinted or asked any inappropriate questions. He seemed a lot like Joel in that sense. Honestly, under different circumstances, you would have initiated sex. He was attractive, he was charming, and a lot of fun to be around. Sex to you wasn’t a huge deal, especially at your age. That’s why you were so ready to sleep with Joel…

But right now, you still felt loyal to him . Joel saved you multiple times, but you genuinely connected to him. Sure, maybe he already slept with someone. You two had no pretense of being an actual couple, of any sort of loyalty. It was something to fill the time, and boy, did it fill you. You would need a little time before you went for someone else.

“Whatever you wanna know, you can just ask me.” You said Tommy one night a few days in as the two of you reclined the car seats. It was getting colder out, so you and Tommy scooted towards each other and shared a blanket. There wasn’t an air of sexual tension, even with your shoulders touching. It just felt brotherly. You had felt his eyes on you for a while as you tried to sleep. “I know you got questions.”

His voice was gravely next to you. “I think you got a few too.”

You sigh. “I’m not sure I want the answers.”

“Yeah. Me neither.”

Finally, you open your eyes and turn over to where he’s looking at you, eyes soft and brown. “C’mon. Question for question.”

“You start.”

“You’re the one staring at me with your puppy dog eyes all the fucking time. Go on, ask what I know you’re dying to.”

He rolled his eyes, sitting up and resting on his arm, but smiling gently. “Alrighty, I’ll bite. Who are you to Joel.”

A small shrug. “I’m not sure I’m anything, really. He saved me from Ross, as you know, and we got stuck in his apartment for a week.”

Tommy’s face grew more serious. “‘N he was good to yuh?”

“Yeah.” You nod. “Real good.” Teasing him, you lean in with a smile. “And we fucked, too.”

“UGH!” Tommy groans, cringing hard and making a disgusted face, shoving you away. “Sick. Awful.”

You laugh at his reaction, goading him on more. “It wasn’t awful, it was actually pretty damn great-”

“EW!” Tommy attempts to cover your mouth, laughing along now too.

You keep dodging his hand. “Got reeeeeal hot and heavy too-”

“BLEH!”

When you finally stop, you both are chuckling. You like Tommy, you’re glad he’s the one taking you if it couldn’t be Joel. As you two settle down, you both stare up at the ceiling. It was peaceful out here. South Dakota, along I-90. When you’d get to Rapid City, Tommy would radio the Fireflies to tell Joel you both were safe. If you were lucky, Joel might have given them a message to give you two, but you weren’t sure the fireflies would pass it along. You got the feeling Joel was not popular among them.

Tommy calls your name, and you look towards him again. “He make you do any of that?” It’s clear what Tommy’s asking, and you understand his concerns. 

“Oh god no.” You chuckle in response. “I brought it up. I had to tell him multiple times that i didn’t feel forced or noth’n. Like, multiple times. And then it just…”

“It's just what.”

You shrug again. “Turned into someth’n more. I dunno. But he was good to me. Don’t you worry ’bout that.”

He nods, taking it all in. “Alright, your turn.”

“Hm? Oh, right. Well… you told Joel… well, you made it sound like he did a lot of bad shit.”

Tommy sighs, sinking further in his seat. “Yeah, I did. Joel and I… we did a lot of bad shit back in the day. The things I saw him do…” He shakes his head. “I can’t even look at him now.”

“He see you do shit too?” You ask.

He huffs, but says yeah.

“He do worse than you?”

Tommy shifts in his seat. “I donno.”

You let him sit in his thoughts for a moment before speaking again. “I ain’t gonna tell you what you gotta do or who you gotta talk to. I don’t know your story. But I know we’ve all done fuck up things… and I know Joel loves you. Whatever happened, he ain’t surviving for himself. There's too much pain in his eyes for that. Joel… he survives for others. I ain’t tryna guilt trip you, Tommy… but I think we’re both alive because of him.”

Tommy didn’t say anything, simply staring ahead at the windshield until you fell asleep. You don’t think he slept much that night.

*

It had been years, your life at the QZ felt like a miserable nightmare. Life was good in Jackson.

You worked hard, but were rewarded with a bountiful life and good friends, Tommy remained one of them. When you and Tommy found the settlement of Jackson, it didn’t take long at all for the two of you to decide to abandon Tommy’s plans and loyalties with the Fireflies and settle here in Jackson. The fact he’d be caught spending every free second during your respite with the pretty and slightly scary leader may have influenced his decision. You, however, were thrilled to be somewhere with running water and electricity, especially with summer coming. You could not be happier with your choice.

Right now, however, you were grumpy.

Sick with the flu, you’d been stuck at home all day while the town had its movie night. Goddammit. You always miss the good shit. Lorenzo had told you to just go, but you didn’t want to infect anyone. A simple flu could kill much easier without modern medicine. 

Still, he was nice enough to bring you soup from the mess hall after.

“Can’t stay long. Zach wants me home early to get a good nights sleep ‘for once’.” Lorenzo rolled his eyes and did finger quotes, but with a smile. His husband loved and cared about him, as Lorenzo did Zach “I just thought I’d let you in on the hot gossip.” He said with a smile, pulling out two joints and handing one to you. 

You sniffle, sounding congested as hell as you rock in your rocking chair. “Did Jack get dumped again? I swear to god, it’s every week. Maura told me in high school he-”

“No, no, no! It’s even better!” He said with a grin, not hesitating before lighting up in your living room, a motion which you followed. “A stranger rolls into town, tall! Dark! Handsome!”

You can’t help roll your eyes. “You're married.”

“Hey, Zach called him handsome first, okay?” Lorenzo’s thick Boston accent came out even more when he was animated. “Anyway, he’s a father too. Road in with a teenager I dunno, 17? Or 10?”

“Those are wildly different ages.”

Lorenzo brushed you off. “Whatever, point is, single father. That's hot.”

You scrunch up your nose. “Are we sure that’s his daughter? Not some sicko we gotta kill?”

“Now, see, I ASKED THAT!” Lorenzo waves his hands around. “But Zach asked Jack who asked Maura who asked Maria-” Deep breath. “Who was suuuuuuper fucking cryptic about it. Seems Tommy knows him, and you know how Tommy is about his past.”

You did know, actually. You lean in with a smile, happy someone is filling you in on what you missed. “What’d she say?”

“Just that the girls his kid, and she’s taken care of and” More finger quotes “‘Tell Lorenzo to mind his damn business’”

That made both of you laugh. You and Lorenzo frequently caused problems despite your age. All in good, harmless fun, but the two of you were more like teenagers sometimes, and more often than not, you dragged a few friends into it.

“Are they staying in Jackson?”

“Doesn’t seem like it. Dunno why though, nice place for a kid here. But maybe her mom is somewhere out there. Either way, I’m gonna try and talk to him tomorrow, maybe-”

A knock on the door. Lorenzo frowned. “Damn honey, you got friends other than me?”

“Oh shut the fuck up.” You giggle, kicking him. “Answer the door for me, I’m sick and dying.”

Lorenzo kicked you back, but did as you asked. You couldn’t see who was there, but watched Lorenzo. “Oh. Uh. Hello?” 

“Renzo, whose there?” You call. Lorenzo turns around, mouthing dramatically. ‘Oh my gooooood’

He turns back. “Can I help you?” You don’t hear the reply, but Lorenzo keeps a hand on the door handle and on the frame. Goofy gossip he is, he is no idiot and takes your safety seriously. He’s not just going to let anyone inside. Lorenzo turns around to face you again. “Hey, you know a Joel?”

Joel. Blood rushes through you and you stand up, wobbly. The man from Tommy’s past is Joel. Who the hell is the kid? Him and Tess have a secret daughter or something? You hadn’t told Lorenzo, or anyone for that matter, of how you escaped the QZ out of respect for Tommy and his desire to leave that life behind him, so it’s no wonder Lorenzo looked so confused. “JOEL?!” 

A tall, insanely broad body pushed past Lorenzo, and you ran to him despite your illness. Joel calls your name, breathes it out like a sigh of relief, a breath he’s been holding since you left.

*

It had been a long day for Joel. Seeing Tommy again was incredible, Gods grace, and knowing he was not only alive but thriving healed something in him.

You were the cherry on top of the sundae. 

He held out no hope that you’d remained single. It would be selfish and stupid… but he couldn’t deny to himself that he was relieved when you explained the man who opened the door to your home was not only not a husband or boyfriend, but married himself and not a threat.

Joel sat on the couch and was thrilled when you immediately scooted right next to him. You spent hours catching up, he explained it all to you, everything with Ellie, how he got here. All the loss… In turn, you told him your travels with Tommy, the life you have here now… And how you’re single. Finally, Joel explained why he came here.

Originally, when Tommy said you were here, he wasn’t going to try and find you. It’d just hurt too much to say goodbye again when he’d already to leaving Tommy… but then he decided he wasn’t leaving, that Tommy would take Ellie… then the fight with Ellie. He needed you. Joel explained the fight.

“Joel…” You said, admonishing him gently and you stroked his hair. Joel was laid out on your lap.

“I know, I know… I just… It’s like that book.”

He can feel your stomach chuckle. “White Fang, I know the one.”

“Yeah. That one. I just… I felt like I had to hurt her, to get her to let go on me. Tommy would be better. He’s younger, stronger, kinder.”

“But he’s not you.” You wait until Joel looks up at you. “You’ve protected her this far. She trusts you. She don’t know Tommy at all and baby.” You card your fingers through his curls. “He’s a man she doesn’t know. That’s a scary thing, she don’t know what kind of man he is.”

Joel starts to sit up, defensive. “Tommy ain’t no-”

“Baby, relax, I know.” You settle him down, de-ruffle his feathers. “I know, Tommy’s the sweetest piece of pie. But she don’t know that. Most importantly, she trusts you . She loves you .” You lean down to kiss his forehead. “I’d love for you to stay here with me, I really would, and if you want, I’ll be waiting here for you. But I think you know what you need to do.”

*

He did. He had to give her a choice. Unsurprisingly and illogically, Ellie chose him. Joel swore he’d come back to you, that he’d make things right with Ellie and get her where she needed to be…

When he thought he was dying, it was Ellie, Tommy, Sarah, you who ran through his head.

And months later, after all the violence and carnage and almost losing Ellie twice, when he walked into town, after seeing and hugging Tommy and meeting his little niece, Catherine Sarah, it was you he went searching for. 

Unsurprisingly, he found you at the bar with Lorenzo again, and who he later found was Lorenzo’s husband, Zach. Throughout the years, Joel would get to know your friends, and consider them friends of his own. He’d marry you, Tommy standing as his best man and your close friend both, little Catherine as your flower girl. You’d get to know and love Ellie, provide the maternal figure she needed in her life and a mediation between the two when things got tense. He’d fuck you into the mattress that night and you’d ride him for what seemed like hour the next morning, spending a day in bed until both of you were too aching a raw to go again. That would all come latter.

Right now, as he approached you from behind and Lorenzo not to subtly kicked you, to make you turn around, only one thing mattered.

“Joel!”

“Hey baby, can I have this dance?”

**********************

sweetiiiieeesssss

Anyway yall theres your happy ending you wanted!!!!

Now were all wrapped up.

if you didnt see, I'm doing commissions bc im a lil tight on finances rn, so if you like my work, consider buying a piece! they start at $5!

@trinkets01 @ninebluehearts @luciannadraven33 @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @buriednurbckyrd @hiroikegawa @whatthefishh @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @koshkaj-blog @daddysfavoritesexkitten @csara615 @notesonpretty @kirsteng42 @mundivagantsoul @harriedandharassed @sofiparellel @orcasoul @noisynightmarepoetry

#joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #the last of us hbo #the last of us #tlou hbo #joel miller hbo #joel miller pedro pascal #tlou fanfiction #joel miller smut #eventual smut #joel miller series #pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Darkness on the edge of town #pedro pascal smut #joel miller reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller you #joel miller x you

[tearfallpixie]

Make Mama Happy - Chapter 1

Not too many updates to this chapter but will be more as it goes.

Tags: @nerdraging4point0 @thesazzb @synthetic-wasp-570 @circle-with-me @beaker1636 @itsjustemily @witchyweeb34 @agravemisstake @cookiesupplier @cncohshit @faceless-mirror @nonamessblog @yournecessaryevil @black-damask1999

@lyschko666 @vinyardmauro @skulliecadaver-blog @some-daniela

“Nichole!” My best friend Heather called. I had just walked into the restaurant where we were going to meet up and was looking around for her. I internally groaned when I finally spotted her, seeing her boyfriend, Richard, next to her. He was the guitarist from the band Motionless in White and he and I had a complicated relationship. We both loved Heather so we tolerated each other for her sake but when we were alone it was as if world war 3 had started. There was nothing in the world that could make us put aside our differences that I was pretty sure we didn’t even know what they were. I plastered a fake grin on my face and walked over to the table where she was waiting. When I approached it, she stood up and hugged me tightly before returning to her seat.

“Richard.” I nodded. He gave me his fake smile and returned the gestor. “How have you been? How’s the band?” 

“They’re fine. We go on tour next month, so we are all prepping for that. Speaking of which Heather. Vinny’s having a get together tomorrow night before we buckle down and really dive into the tour preparations. Would you like to go?” He asked, turning to his girlfriend.

“Oh that would be amazing. Nichole you should come.” My best friend said, turning to me.

“No way. I don’t get involved with the band stuff.” The waitress came over and took my order before disappearing again.

“Oh come on! It would be so fun. I bet you and Vinny would get along great.” I rolled my eyes at my best friend's antics and shook my head. She had been trying to hook me and the drummer up for years.

“Doubtful. Vinny has standards.” Ricky muttered, making me scowl at him.

“Richard!” Heather swatted his chest. “Please! I want someone there that’s a girl I actually like.” 

“Fine. Fine. I will come to this stupid party. But you are helping me get ready and giving me a ride. I haven’t been to his house before.” She clapped happily and started gushing about her newest project at work. She was a biologist and while she was excited about her job it may have been the one thing Richard and I could agree on as we made disgusted faces. 

“Baby, we are trying to eat. Maybe you could save the work talk for later.” Rick asked, giving her an unsure glance.

“I can’t believe I am saying this but thank you Olson.” I snickered. He shot me a smirk and for a moment, I could see why Heather liked him.

“Sorry! What about you Nichole? How has your job been?”

“I work at a winery. It's not that exciting.” I shrugged. 

“You were more interested in writing when we were in school. Please tell me you haven’t given up on being a writer.” I forgot that she had always been the one to encourage my passion and smiled. It had been a while since I had worked on one of my stories so I barely remembered them.

“It's been a minute since I had the time.” 

“Well Rick is a writer too! You should have him read over it and help you out.” My eyes flicked to the guitarist to see him glaring at me.

“Maybe.” We finished up our food and Heather insisted that she would be with me the next day so that she could help me get ready, much to the frustration of her annoying boy toy. I flipped him off when her back was turned, determined to prove him wrong.

~~~~

“Evening ladies. Ready?” Ricky asked when I opened the door. Heather was right behind me in her outfit, a simple crop top and low waisted skinny jeans. “You look amazing baby girl.” I rolled my eyes at his sickeningly sweet tone and shoved past him, bumping my shoulder against his and knocking him a few steps backwards.

“Yeah yeah, you can fawn over her later. Lets just go. I wanna see Aj.” Aj was one of the techs that toured with them a few years back and I had met him on a few outings where he and Rick were hanging out and I was tagging along with Heather. The guitarist rolled his eyes and nodded, opening the door for his girlfriend and all of us taking off to the drummer's house.

“I think you’ll love Vinny. He is super sweet and loves everyone. I don’t think he’s capable of hating someone.” My best friend gushed. I kept my mouth shut in the back seat as I glared daggers at the driver in the front, Ricky watching me too with an equally hateful stare. Knowing the fact that Vinny was Rickys best friend I doubted that he would like me in any capacity.

“Guess we’ll just see.” I muttered quietly. The rest of the drive was silent and I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough when we pulled up to the house. I left my friend and her boyfriend in the dust, determined to find the crazy tech that I adored. Luckily Aj was lounging on the couch in the living room. “Aaj.” I exclaimed, throwing myself into his lap.

“Nichole? What are you doing here?” He laughed, wrapping his arms around me to make sure I didn’t fall off.

“Heather invited me.” I giggled. We sat there talking for a bit longer as more people trickled in. Some of them I recognized from videos of the band and others I didn’t so it was really awkward.

“That’s Logan, you’ve seen pics of him. He’s the front of house manager.” Aj tried to give me names for everyone that showed up but even he didn’t know some of them. “Lets go get a drink. I’m parched.” He stood up from the couch and led me through the congregation of people to the kitchen where he grabbed a sprite for me out of the fridge.

“Thank you, Aj.” I said, cracking it open and taking a sip. 

 “Have you met Vinny yet?” My friend asked, pointing to a man in the living room with shoulder length wavey hair with red streaks in the front. He was wearing black cargo pants and a baggy dark green shirt that had no logo on it. While I normally wouldn’t go for guys like that (that looked like total frat boys) he made it look hot as fuck.

“No, I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting any of the band. I typically avoid them. Well, besides Rick obviously. But I could do without knowing him.” I joked. Aj knew me long enough to know about the standing feud between me and the guitarist and he smirked. 

“We could all go without knowing Rick. But seriously he’s actually pretty chill once you get to know him.” I gave him a glance of disbelief. 

“I’ve known him for a few years. He’s still just as fucking annoying.” I rolled my eyes. 

“Come on. Let me introduce you to the man of the house.” He took me over to the red headed angel and waved at him. “Vin! I want you to meet Nichole.” Vinny turned to me and I got drawn into his gorgeous hazel eyes.  

“Nichole! Hi. Who did you come with?” He asked, holding out his hand. I shook it and was bemused by his strong grip. Next to him was a tall, well dressed, curly haired man who looked like he had a mop on the top of his head.

“I came with Heather.” I nodded over to my friend who was currently wrapped in her boyfriend's arms.

“Oh.” He said that one syllable so sharply and I froze. “You’re that Nichole. Rick told me about you.” His voice was so cold compared to the soft friendly one he had a few minutes ago. 

“Chole, what does he mean?” Aj asked, looking between the two of us. The entire room seemed to quiet down and everyone's eyes focused on us.

“I think I should go.” I whispered. 

“Yeah, you probably should. We don’t like your type around here?” Vinny growled.

“My type?” What the hell had Ricky said about me?

“You know, the type to flirt with their supposed best friend's boyfriend behind their back?” My eyes widened in horror and I rounded on Richard where he was standing with Heather. She looked confused, hurt, and angry.

“Heather- I never-“ 

“Don't.” She mumbled. “I don't know what’s going on right now but you should probably leave.” Aj grabbed my arm and held me for a moment.

“Heather, you know she wouldn't do that.” He tried defending me.

“I don't know what to think! Why the hell would Ricky lie to Vinny of all people?” She sputtered. “Just leave. I’ll call you later.” I calmly set my can down on the nearby table and turned to Aj.

“Just let it go. I don't want to put up with this shit right now.” I pushed past everyone to exit the house only turning back once to look at Rick. “Fuck you, Richard Olson.” I spit, before finally leaving. Once outside I let my emotions explode and found myself gasping for air as I made my way to the main street to call an uber. I just needed to get away from that house.

A few texts came through from Aj but I ignored them as I collapsed onto my couch. I curled under a blanket and buried my face into the pillow. I never thought Heather would trust her boyfriend over me like that and it hurt like a knife through the gut. 

#motionless in white #miw band #vinny mauro #vinny mauro fanfic

[marmorafarms]

The Hazards of Love Ch 2

Hey guys! Here is the second chapter of my Dungeon Meshi Hanahaki AU! The plan is to update every weekend, but please be gentle with me if I miss an update. I'm pretty damn busy all the time so. I might miss a few. But anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Pairing: Labru (Laios/Kabru)

Chapter rating: Teen+

You can read it below or on ao3!

NOW

It was cruel the way Rin had gone about this. The way she had ripped Laios’ heart out of his chest and cast it away, with her words as her weapon. Laios hadn’t been ready for this attack, hadn’t been ready to hear it. But no amount of preperation would be able to save him from this new reality.

“It’s your fault! Kabru is dying and it’s all your fault!”

Laios lay in his bed, curled in on himself. His eyes were rimmed with red from crying, his chest and abs hurting from the intensity of his sobs. The only one he would allow near him was his younger sister Falin, who was currently sitting next to him, stroking his hair.

“If you weren’t such a failure with your fucking emotions, this wouldn’t have happened! You could’ve actually loved him instead of just admiring him!”

Laios let out a pained noise as that particular sentence repeated in his mind. If he hadn’t been such a failure with his emotions, this wouldn’t have happened. If he could just be someone else, anyone else, Kabru wouldn’t be in the hospital coughing up daffodils. He would be here, his smile lighting up the whole room. He would be here, his brilliant blue eyes sparkling as they looked at each other. Kabru, his best friend, wouldn’t be dying, he’d be here. And…and maybe they’d be wrapped up in each other’s arms, cuddling close. Or maybe doing something else, something that would require a locked door.

The thought made Laios’ stomach flip, a feeling he’d grown used to when thinking about Kabru. He was definitely attracted to Kabru, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem lay in deeper feelings. Feelings of love.

“Falin?” Laios said tentatively, and his sister’s hand paused, fingers still tangled in his hair.

“Yes Laios?” she said softly.

“Do you think…if I could fall in love with him…Kabru would live?” “Oh Laios,” Falin said sadly, “You can’t control who you fall in love with. Lust is simple, lust, attraction, can happen with anyone. But love? True love? That can’t be forced. If you don’t love him, you don’t love him. That’s not your fault.”

“But why don’t I love him?” Laios said, tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. “I feel sad, I feel like dying…doesn’t that mean I love him?”

“As a friend,” Falin said, removing her hand from his head. “You’d be crying if it was Marcille, or Chilchuck, or Senshi, right? You love Kabru as a friend. You have to love him romantically in order for this to go away.”

“I have to figure it out,” Laios said. “I have to figure out how to be in love with him. He can’t die! Falin, he can’t.”

Falin let out a deep sigh. “Laios…”

“I won’t let him!” Laios said firmly, furrowing his brow. “He won’t die! I’ll fall in love with him not matter what it takes!”

“Laios, that’s not possible,” Falin said. Laios sat up at lighting speed, looking at her with fire in his eyes, a passionate determination.

“Maybe nobody else has done it before, but that was true with other things! Light bulbs didn’t exist until someone made it happen! So maybe nobody has done this, but I could be the first! I could be the one to make it happen!” Laios said wildly. Falin looked at him with a mixture of sadness and sympathy.

“Alright,” she said gently. “If you think you can, I’ll support you.”

Laios nodded at her words. “Thank you,” he said as he lay back down, though he knew that she didn’t really believe it. She didn’t really think he could do it. And that was fine. Nobody ever truly believed in him did they? At least not at first. But he always managed to prove them wrong. And by God he was going to do it again. He was going to fall in love with Kabru. He’d be his knight in shining armor. If Laios lost him, he’d lose himself too. That he knew for certain.

THEN

Laios was proving to be the single most frustrating man that Kabru had met in his entire life. He had decided to listen to Daya and try to make friends with Laios. But for whatever reason, Laios was ignoring him. Straight up ignoring him! Kabru had tried approaching him several times, but Laios would either not look at him, or would start talking to someone else. What the hell was wrong with this guy? Just as he was about to give up completely and resign himself to hating him even more, the weirdest thing happened.

Laios approached him.

Well, sort of. Kabru had been nose deep in his phone, walking across campus, and wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings. Right as he was crossing the street, he felt a hand on his shoulder, jerking him backwards.

Kabru let out an undignified yelp, and turned to look at whoever had dared lay hands on him. To his shock, and slight horror, Laios stood there, a mixture of concern and frustration on his face.

“What’s your problem?” Kabru snapped, completely forgetting that he was supposed to be making friends with this man. “Why did you grab me?”

“You can’t just walk into traffic!” the tall blond said. “There was a car! It almost hit you!”

Kabru blinked in surprise. “Oh,” he said lamely, unsure what else to say.

“Yeah,” Laios said. “Try to be more careful next time.”

“Okay,” Kabru said, but for some reason, Laios didn’t turn to go. Instead, he stood there, looking Kabru up and down.

“What?” Kabru said, feeling his face flush. He wasn’t used to being…examined. This wasn’t a lustful gaze, no. This was a man looking at him with genuine curiosity, and Kabru wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

“You’re short,” Laios finally said.

“Excuse me?!” Kabru said, shocked. What the hell?

“Your height made me realize I’ve seen you before,” Laios said. “Do you take creative writing? The 8 am class with Professor Damacles?”

“Yeah,” Kabru said slowly. Laios smiled.

“I thought so! I remembered seeing you and thinking you were sort of short.”

“I’m not…! I…! Maybe you’re just tall!” Kabru burst out.

“How tall are you?” Laios said, and Kabru wanted to hit him. Why were they stuck on this? Why was he so fixated on his height?

“I’m 5’7, happy?”

“That’s short,” Laios said, and Kabru glared at him.

“Can we move on?” he said angrily, and Laios cocked his head.

“Did I upset you?” he asked, sounding very confused.

“I just don’t like being called short,” Kabru mumbled.

“Oh. I’m sorry,” Laios said, and Kabru was surprised at how genuine Laios sounded. He sounded like he really meant it, and even looked deeply sorry. “I…I do that a lot. Make people upset. On accident. I don’t know why, I just do.”

“It’s fine,” Kabru said. “Just…next time we talk, don’t bring it up.”

Laios brightened. “Next time?” he said. “You want to hang out?”

Kabru colored, suddenly realizing what he’d implied. Well, he couldn’t back out now, especially since he’d told Daya he would make an attempt at friendship.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Kabru said with a gulp. “Do you want my number?”

Laios looked thrilled, and as they exchanged numbers, Kabru couldn’t help but feel flustered. This didn’t feel like giving a friend his number. This felt like giving someone he would want to go on a date with his number. And that got him thinking. Would he want to go on a date with Laios?

Sure, Laios was a bit awkward, but there was something about him. Kabru thought back to their high school days, and remembered how drawn he had been towards Laios. There had always just been something about him, and Kabru couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

But what he did know was that he wanted to learn more. Maybe it was friendship, but maybe it was more. Kabru stole a glance at Laios, and swallowed thickly. His smile was beautiful, and his eyes were a soft amber, reminding him of caramel. Oh god, he wasn’t really doing this was he? Getting lost in somebody’s eyes? Kabru shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.

There was also the matter of whether or not Laios was interested in men. Kabru had an unfortunate habit of getting crushes on straight guys, to the point where he was teased about it. This was probably one of those situations. Laios was most likely a straight guy who just wanted to be friends. That was it, that was all. He should squash these feelings before they grew into something more.

When the two bade each other goodbye, Kabru couldn’t help but open up his phone every now and then, wondering if he should send a text. But what would he even say? Ugh, how had this happened? How had he swung from unadulterated loathing to heart eyes in the span of three seconds?

It was night time when Kabru got the text. Toothbrush still in his mouth, Kabru grabbed his phone, and looked at the message.

This might be too soon But I have tickets to a concert and the person I was going with bailed. Wanna come?

Kabru stared at the three messages sent in quick succession. Laios had other friends, he had seen them before. Why was he inviting Kabru of all people instead of one of them? It didn’t make any sense to him. He quickly tapped out a response.

Who are the tickets for?

Kabru finished up brushing his teeth, and pulled on some pajamas before checking his phone again.

Ghost. They’re a mixture of hard rock and metal? I’m not usually into that, but their song Square Hammer is pretty good. Thought it might be worth checking out.

Metal? Kabru was thrown, but looked up the song. It actually was pretty good. And a free concert? Usually people made him pay for the tickets if they had them. This was a pretty good deal.

Yeah, sounds good! What time?

The two hammered out the details, and Kabru went to bed, heart pounding. No. NO! He couldn’t be having feelings for Laios! He shouldn’t be nervous about being alone with Laios for their first get together! It’s not like it was a date. They were just hanging out. This was ridiculous, they were just two dudes being bros. But at the same time, it was exciting. Kabru had been so wrapped up in his studies that he’d barely had time to do anything, not even with Rin and Daya.

And speaking of them, he should tell them about today. He knew Daya would be supportive, but Rin? He knew Rin would be upset. Kabru had suspected for a while that Rin had feelings for him, but he wasn’t sure. It would explain why she was upset when Daya implied that he was interested in Laios. Hopefully she wouldn’t be too upset that he was going to a concert with Laios the day after meeting him. Maybe she’d be supportive!

You’re going on a date with him?! No fucking way! Not him!

Or maybe not.

It’s not a date! We’re just going to a concert. We’re not even friends yet.

Kabru continued to attempt to convince Rin that this wasn’t a date, but she didn’t seem impressed with the situation. What could he do to make her happy? He needed to smooth things over somehow.

You barely hang out with me Kabru! Why are you suddenly going to a concert with some guy who you hated five minutes ago?

Ah. So that was it.

Well let’s plan something! Just the two of us.

Rin didn’t reply, and Kabru suddenly had a bad feeling in his gut. He hoped to God she didn’t think he was asking her on a date. Maybe he should clear things up? Yeah, he’d clear things up in the morning. It would be fine. Everything was going to be just fine.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #labru #laios #kabru #laios x kabru #dungeon meshi fic #ao3 fanfic #hanahaki disease

[farfromstrange]

Foreigner's God: Chapter 55

Main Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Pairing: Matt Murdock x OFC

Chapter Summary: She moves back in with Tony, Pepper and Happy at Avengers Compound. Her decision to prioritize her recovery over the man she loves weighs heavy on her shoulders, and now she has to push through. The question is just, will it help or will it further break her (and possibly Matt, too)?

Warnings: ANGST, mentions of addiction, mental illness, therapy, lots of crying, Eliza's POV

Word Count: 5.8k

A/n: And I am back! I am so sorry for the long ass hiatus and irregular updates, but I have really struggled with this series. It took me longer than usual to write this chapter, so the next ones will also be coming very irregularly until I've figured out how to make my vision come to life. I just wanted to set the scene for this new storyline with this chapter. There's going to be more plot in the future. I just had to start somewhere.

Read Chapter 55: Why am I like this? here on AO3!

The Avengers Compound had become a foreign place to her. She never thought she would move back to where it all began. The most defining years of her life held their roots in those four walls. 

When Eliza first stepped through the door, she contemplated whether or not she had made the right choice. Leaving Matt had left a gaping hole in her chest.

Things weren’t moving forward and she was losing herself. She couldn’t risk hurting him again the same way she had before. Her last relapse had to remain the last. Her heart was heavy, but sometimes, she remembered Natasha telling her, it is necessary to choose yourself. 

“Ah,” Tony greeted her with open arms when she arrived, “The prodigal daughter returns!”

Eliza rolled her eyes, but a soft, exhausted smile still found its way to her lips regardless. “Hey,” she greeted him back. 

Pepper stood next to him. She looked almost relieved to see her again, and unlike Tony, she didn’t care much about her personal space. Her arms wrapped around her, engulfing her in a bone-crushing hug.

“Welcome back,” her breath tickled her ear, her voice remaining barely above a whisper. “We missed you around here,” she said. 

She expected to hear that. Nothing was the same without you. That sentence alone felt too much like standard practice for her to take it seriously, but Eliza forced a smile nonetheless. Pepper never did anything wrong. She couldn’t help who she was, and she didn’t want her to change either. It offered a welcome distraction. 

It was only a temporary fix, she kept telling herself. A temporary solution to resolve a bigger problem. She had a disease and her own fair share of trauma, but it could be managed. She had to be open. She had to allow others to help her. And she had to put herself first for once in her life. 

Setting foot into her old room for the first time proved to be… strange, to say the least. She walked right into a wall of nostalgia. It twisted in her chest, wrapping its greedy claws around her heart and pulling—hard. 

The bed had been neatly made by someone who cared about her and her comfort, most probably Pepper. The clothes she had left before she moved out lay on the mattress. Neatly folded with a few of her favorite chocolates on top. She let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. 

She remembered all the tears she shed in that very bed. The times she had laughed with Natasha by her side, painting her nails and hoping, praying, that it would last. It didn’t. It was never meant to last. The family she’d once had broke apart and she found herself standing in the ashes of what once had been with bare feet and broken glass. 

Eliza's fingertips grazed the surface of the dresser, tracing over the faint marks she'd left behind—signs of a past that was simultaneously too distant and painfully recent. Tattoos of a life she had long left behind. 

She carried the reminders of her past on her skin every day, but skin isn’t the only organ capable of holding scars. A home can suffer and inflict scars the same way the human body does, it’s just never as obvious. 

Her eyes lingered on the framed photo of her friends—her family—their faces frozen in a moment when they believed they could conquer anything. They won once; back then, they believed if they could save New York City from an army of aliens, they could do anything. They could survive anything. Tony formed and shaped an amazing team of misfits who had never considered working together before. One day, one unfortunate event, and they became a family. 

Eliza hesitated before unfolding the pile of clothes. She ran her fingers over the familiar texture of the fabric. She didn’t remember the last time she consciously thought about what she was going to wear or what impression she would make on the people around her. It had been a while since she cared about anything other than surviving—a while since family had still somewhat mattered. 

It had all turned into a scrambled mess where priorities no longer remained straight.

The door creaked open. “Hey,” Happy poked his head in, “Need anything?” he asked. 

She wasn’t sure how to answer that. “Just… time,” she said, offering a small, appreciative smile. Happy nodded, but he didn’t move from his spot in the doorframe.

He took a deep breath. A beat of silence followed, and then, “In case I haven’t told you before, I’m really glad you’re here, kid.”

“Thank you.”

He had told her that before, but it didn’t hurt to hear it again.

“I know it wasn’t an easy choice to make, but I think… I think you made the right one. You deserve a break. And this place is your home. You’re always welcome here. We love you,” he said.

His words sounded distant. She could hear him, but she struggled to believe him. If she’d truly made the right choice, why was it hurting so much? It was her choice. She knew what she was getting herself into. Or maybe, just maybe, she didn’t.

This time, when she didn’t answer, Happy pushed himself off the door frame. He left her without another word. He told her everything he could, and she was well aware that there was nothing Happy wouldn’t do for her. Right now though, she needed peace. Nothing more. 

Once the door shut behind him, she inhaled a deep breath. 

Eliza had packed her bags with what little belonged to her. It wasn’t much. She left more of her heart behind than her belongings, and perhaps her scent that still lingered in the walls of Matt’s apartment.

While packing, she had made sure to sneak one of Matt’s shirts into her luggage. It smelled like him, and she needed something to remind her that he was still real. That he was still there, even if he wasn’t directly by her side. 

Being wise, making the right choice—being a human being with feelings proved to be so much harder than she expected. 

The need to make her guilt so much worse rose from the ashes of her tendency to self-destruct. That tendency was a phoenix, and it would never truly die, no matter how many times she set it on fire to get rid of it. There was no way out of the spiral except for her to play along with it. 

As she stared out of the windows of her room in the now-empty Avengers Compound, the tears relentlessly began to burn their way out of her eyes. 

She clung to the necklace around her neck, Matt’s initial on the puzzle piece that represented their love. She never took it off, not even to shower. She promised him as much when he gifted it to her. He was a part of her, and the necklace was proof of that. 

Her fingers traced the delicate Braille on the pendant. Thanks to him, she knew what it meant. She knew a few things now. She remembered the alphabet, but reading it was different. He had tried to teach her once, but she got distracted by his fingers stroking over the paper, and then they never continued. 

Thanks to Matt, the world started looking differently. She started viewing it differently. She no longer only relied on her sight but on the other four senses as well, sometimes even more than that. He taught her what it was like to laugh again, to smile, and to actually mean it. He made everything a little lighter. He made her forget. 

But, and she had to remind herself of that, forgetting isn’t dealing with the problem at hand, and she could no longer just forget. She had to work through her issues. Matt made life and the suffering linked to it a little easier, but she had taken the bliss that came with it for granted. The bliss of ignorance, so to speak. She ignored the warning signs, and she might have caused permanent damage to herself. 

There was no time, she kept telling herself. There was no time to focus on herself with everything going on around her. After meeting Matt, she found a piece of herself that had long gotten lost. She found the thrill in the chase again. In the process, she found herself and who she truly was. She found her past. She pushed through it. Perhaps she pushed a little too much.

Recovery is a process that the affected person needs to be okay with, something they need to want, but Eliza pushed it all aside in the hopes that Matt’s love would magically turn her okay, that it would turn her normal; she had been foolish to think that love could heal all her emotional wounds, and that just a little therapy that she way too often neglected could fix her, and now her foolishness was coming to bite her in the ass.

Leaving Matt behind though was one of the hardest things she ever had to do. 

It all happened so fast yet passed by in slow-motion. Only a few hours ago, she had still been in his arms. Now, she was alone. And the moment she stepped through the door of his apartment and left remained ingrained in her mind, probably forever. She wasn’t sure if she would ever not feel guilty about it. She shattered his heart. It had been so obvious even though he tried to hide it, and she blamed herself for doing it. The pain was eating her alive. 

Her eyes closed and the last minutes at Matt’s apartment replayed over and over again like a bad movie. 

Eliza woke up with him by her side, but that very feeling of relief washed over into emptiness. She was exhausted, tired beyond compare, while Matt’s chest had never felt more alive with the pain that seemed to burn through every muscle and every fiber of his being. He had to listen to her heavy breaths as she packed everything she kept in his apartment, and the sound alone made him want to scratch his eyes out. 

It tainted his heart and his mind. Hell seemed so close yet so far away. This had to be a cruel cycle concocted by God himself to make him suffer for all that he did because it wasn’t fair. The world wasn’t fair. 

Eliza dropped her bags on the dining table. The nagging feeling she harbored inside was a mixture of guilt and shame. She only hesitantly looked up to meet his eyes. She wished to be able to take back what she said or what they did the night before, but she couldn’t. 

They both knew that giving in for the sake of not being apart was no way to approach this. In the end, they were both masochists. 

He cleared his throat into the thick silence that hung over their heads, ready to bring the knife down on them. “Uh, did you pack your hairbrush?” Matt swallowed the lump in his throat. “It’s just that… well, you always forget your hairbrush,” he said. 

She nodded. “First thing I packed.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah,” she said. 

He reached for the orange capsule on the fridge. “Don’t forget your pills.”

Their fingers brushed when Matt handed the medication to her. Electricity coursed through her veins. She took the capsule only to set it down and take his hand in hers. “I’m sorry,” was all Eliza could whisper back to him. 

“Stop apologizing,” he said. 

“I feel like I have to.”

“No, you have nothing to apologize for.”

Matt tugged her closer, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. She squeezed his hand. He could feel her pulse drumming against his sensitive skin. 

“I love you,” he leaned down, his lips ghosting over her forehead, “and that won’t ever change.”

She leaned into the kiss. “I love you too.” 

He held her steady with his hand on the back of her head. The world didn’t have anything on her. She couldn’t deny that she was safest in his arms and that anything beyond that seemed impossible to master without him, but that was precisely the problem. 

She was dependent on him and by doing so, she forced him into a state of co-dependency because he felt responsible for her. He cared, sometimes too much. She couldn’t blame him. She had often enough posed a danger to herself in the past. Their relationship was anything but healthy. They kept continuously hurting each other. Eliza couldn’t do that to him anymore. Matt deserved a chance to heal just as much as she did, possibly even more. She wasn’t doing this to be selfish; she was doing it for him.

The ringing of the doorbell broke them apart, followed by a soft knock. With a heavy heart, Eliza grabbed her bags. Happy greeted them at the door. He looked happy, relieved almost. She was coming home, something he had never thought possible ever since she first moved out of the compound into her apartment. 

The second her name had popped up on Tony’s phone, they knew something was wrong. She had told them that she needed a place to stay, a support system, a chance to work through all that happened, rekindle old relationships, and simply get the therapy she needed in a secluded space that was far away from the mess she came out of. She couldn’t control everything at once, no matter how hard she tried. The chaos she used to control became a distraction. 

Tony saw it as an opportunity to fix their relationship in person, and Happy was simply happy that she chose to ask for help instead of running herself to the ground again. He couldn’t bear losing her. 

When he saw Matt’s pained expression though, he felt bad. He had become somewhat of a friend to him, someone he talked to from time to time, someone who loved Eliza even more dearly than anyone else in her life, it seemed, and Happy was endlessly grateful to him. 

But Eliza made her decision and she usually got what she wanted, even though this time her decision was a plausible one and the people around her had never been more willing to get her what she wanted. 

Happy took the bags from her. He took a few steps back, leaving the couple room to say goodbye. It was the least he could do. 

Standing in the doorway, Eliza took Matt’s hand again. His grip grew impossibly tight. He snaked his arm around her waist and pulled her flush against his chest. There was a hickey on her throat that pulsated from the night before. He had marked her up well enough to last for a few days, but it was only a small victory that felt less like something positive now than something he dreaded. 

The blood rushed under her skin. Her heart thudded relentlessly against her ribs. The hesitation in her eyes was evident even to him, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her back into the apartment and lock the door. 

“I’ll come back,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. She tried to convince them both, it seemed. “I promise, I’ll come back.”

He sniffled, pressing his forehead against hers. He breathed her in. She showered with his body wash again, and even washed her hair with his shampoo. The clothes were undoubtedly hers, but the scents that mixed on her skin with the memory of the intimacy of the night before overwhelmed him. 

“You have to let me go, Matt.”

“I know,” he choked out, “I just don’t want to.”

She caught one of his tears with her finger. “I’m gonna miss you.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Me too.”

“I wish things weren’t as fucked up as they are so I could stay, but I can’t…”

“I know,” he shushed her. “I know, sweetheart. It’s okay. I’m not blaming you.”

Eliza swallowed the sob that lay on her tongue. She stood on her tiptoes and captured his lips in a bruising kiss. 

She pulled away after a moment. As she caught her breath, she looked into his teary eyes with tears of her own. “You have to let me go, Matt,” Eliza repeated. 

His head dropped into the crook of her neck. Matt made a sound of disapproval. 

The sniffle didn’t go unnoticed, and he smelled the salt in the air. “Please, baby,” she said again. “Don’t make it harder than it already is.”

Her words fell on deaf ears. Ears that were overwhelmed along with his other senses. Matt was tied to the stake and being burned alive. At least that was how it felt to him. Letting her go, his mind told him, was a death sentence to everything he had grown to hold so dear. He was afraid of losing her.

The sob rolling off of Matt’s lips got muffled through the fabric of her shirt. 

“Let me go,” she stroked a hand through his hair, trying to pull him back, “Please.”

His grip tightened around her waist. “I can’t,” he said. 

“You have to,” she repeated. “You have to let me go, Matthew.” Her voice grew more stern, even though the softness remained. She tried her hardest not to let the tears win.

Matt continued hiding his face in her neck. He wasn’t sure what he expected his pathetic attempt to stop her from leaving would bring him, but there was something about her warmth that made him feel like he couldn’t live without it, so he could not, for the life of him, let her go. It was impossible. 

He was paralyzed, his fingers stiff as they dug into her hips through the shirt she was wearing. Her heart heaved with sobs and he wanted nothing more than to make her feel better. He could fix her, he just needed her to stay. The thought kept rolling like a defective movie tape, and it drove him further into the river of insanity. Or, it felt like insanity, anyway. 

He couldn’t fix her. There was nothing to fix, only to heal, and he wasn’t strong enough for the both of them. He was broken too, and that was no place for her to get better. He would drive her into doing things she wasn’t stable enough for over and over again, and then he would lose her. Permanently.

She pressed her lips against his ear. “I’m gonna be okay, I promise. We’re gonna be okay, but I have to go. You know I have to go. So please, let me go. Just let me go.”

The pleading tone of her voice gave him the last push and he fell off the cliff to his certain death. He pulled away, his hands still resting on her waist, but he wasn’t holding onto her anymore. 

Eliza reached out to wipe his tears. “I love you, Matthew,” she breathed. 

“Yeah,” he sniffled, “I love you too.”

She chose not to say much more. Their hands remained entwined until she was too far away for their arms to keep up, and then their connection faded away. 

Her heartbeat disappeared into the distance. She took his heart with her, leaving him with a gaping hole in his chest, but the pain was nothing compared to the weight of the world on his shoulders. She left and as the door closed, his colorful world soon turned to gray. 

Eliza threw one last look over her shoulder, then got into the car. Happy asked her if she was okay, but she waved him off. “Just drive,” she said. 

And he drove away. 

Eliza sniffled. The memory was like a fresh wound that kept reopening every time she as much as thought about him. The tears cascaded down her cheeks with no intention of stopping. 

She slid the pendant back into the cleavage of her shirt, making sure it would stay hidden from curious eyes. “No,” she whispered to herself. It hurt too much to think even more about it. 

She needed hope. Hope kept her going. Even if it was slowly dying, it gave her a purpose. It gave her something to look forward to—something worth fighting for. Matt was worth fighting for. She left him when he needed her the most, so now she had to get better to take that role back as soon as she could. The way she had been before, she was of no use to him or Daredevil. 

Daredevil needed his Angel, after all, but she was in no shape to be her alter ego right now. Loss of control, in her case, could prove fatal. She wasn’t going to risk that either.

The agreement she made with Tony for her recovery was clear. She would move back into the compound, she would work for him, and let him keep her occupied, and she had to go to therapy two times a week for two full hours at the compound with Mrs. Darcy. 

Eliza wasn’t allowed to leave the premises without an escort. It brought her back to her first relapse all those years ago after she had gotten clean. This time, she only came terrifyingly close, but that was enough to require drastic measures. She was unstable, that much was true. She brought this isolation upon herself by agreeing to forego inpatient treatment for someplace that felt a little more like home. 

She was starting to regret that decision now. 

No contact with Matt, no vigilante duties, and besides the occasional training sessions, she wasn’t allowed to use her powers in any capacity to protect both herself and the people around her until she was more in control of her mind again. 

Her fingers itched, but Eliza knew she was in no place to do anything with it without seriously putting the people around her at risk. While her mental health deteriorated, her powers grew stronger, which made them unpredictable. She used what little common sense she had left to justify the decisions and make it easier—to no avail. 

She thought back to when Stephen Strange tried to lock her away in his castle to control what she was born with. He hadn’t come back since, but she didn’t trust the peace. He let her go. For someone so afraid of what she could do, he was awfully quiet now. At least at the compound, she was safe. No one other than Matt and Foggy needed to know about the encounter. 

Her mind felt scrambled with all the different thoughts and memories that started to come back up in the quiet of her old room. The nostalgia threatened to suffocate her. She agreed to a treatment plan that was almost the same as if she had taken herself to the psych ward; somehow the familiar space turned into a noose in the few hours she had already been there, and Eliza slowly began to worry about whether or not she had made the right decision by upending her life and coming here. 

How was she supposed to stay away from the man she loved? How was she supposed to go without a phone call or a text now that her electronic devices had been sophisticated? And how was she supposed to learn how to live a normal life if she found herself secluded from that life? She knew that she needed control to stay sober, but it didn’t seem fair that everyone agreed to keep her away from civilization on her own until two weeks had passed, at least. 

But she was in a bad place, she could admit that. And people in a bad place don’t always know what is best for them. 

Looking down at her shaking fingers, she balled them into a fist. Her lips pursed. The cravings didn’t stop with a change of scenery. They didn’t even fully go away with sex. They were relentless little bastards.

She went to Josie’s that night, and she didn’t take the drink she ordered because she remembered what she promised when she first went clean weeks ago, but she was so close—too close. And the cravings remained. They were there and they were painfully prominent.

She could still feel Viktor’s blood on her skin. She could hear the shots in the back of her head. She could feel the air leaving her lungs, the panic attack, and the sirens of the ambulance as she was taken away. She almost got justice for what had been done to her and so many other little girls and the Punisher took that opportunity away from her. 

Viktor had deserved to suffer. In the end, he died, and death was too kind for a man like him. 

Part of Eliza wondered if her powers could turn back time. Stephen Strange had the time stone. She felt connected to it, most likely because of her blood, but maybe she could manipulate reality in a way that would bring Viktor back and finally allow her to do what she had wanted to do all along. 

She couldn’t go there. She couldn’t allow herself to lose control after admitting that she needed help to regain the very control she had lost before. She was losing herself, and it was starting to catch up with her. It made her bitter. It made her dangerous. 

Eliza found herself at a crossroads with no sense of direction. Not anymore. 

“You’re shaking,” Mrs. Darcy observed. 

Almost a full day had passed since she arrived back home, and she had already lost all track of time. This appointment with Mrs. Darcy felt like torture of the highest order.

She felt so alone, so isolated, so misunderstood—all because the one person who knew her better than anyone in this world wasn’t around. 

“I know you’ve been through a lot. And this decision surely wasn’t easy. Leaving the man you love, coming back here, deciding to focus on you,” she said. “I mean, for someone who’s been through hell and back without ever actively asking for help yourself, this was a brave first step toward full recovery. But I also know why you did it.”

Eliza’s nostrils flared as she took a deep breath in. Her lungs felt so heavy. Every muscle in her body was straining against nothing at all. She didn’t want to see it because withdrawal happens after a relapse and she hadn’t relapsed, but this was as close to withdrawal as it could get. She felt humiliated by her own body, which, in turn, made her mind turn on herself. 

Mrs. Darcy sighed, scuffling her notes around. She was just about to say something when Eliza opened her dry lips to speak. 

“I was ready to throw it all away for that one shot of tequila,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “Because… because I felt so stuck. I feel… I am stuck. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to. I couldn’t find answers. I couldn’t… I couldn’t find the person that took my chance at getting justice and now… I made it impossible for myself ‘cause I’m stuck here. I… I’m just so stuck.”

Her arms wrapped around her legs and she hugged them tight to her chest. 

Mrs. Darcy nodded, putting her notebook aside for a moment. “Are you having cravings right now?” she asked. “For drugs? For a drink?”

In response, she only shrugged, but her shaky hands were already a big indication of the truth. “I wanted to feel nothing, even if just for a moment,” Eliza admitted. “I guess I still do. A bit.”

“I take that as a yes.”

“So what if I am?” That came out snappier than she intended. She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I just…”

She was having a hard time adjusting to a life she had been so used to before. A life that wasn’t a life but a mere existence. All of her life, she had been on the run, and now that she was stuck, it somehow still felt like it, with the only difference being that she was running in one place now with nowhere else to go. And that was significantly worse than being on the run from her past. 

Facing it meant pain, and she hated what it did to her. She hated this godforsaken mess that she had become. Would it ever end in anything other than a disaster?

Mrs. Darcy silently reached into her bag. She was always so understanding. She didn’t judge, she simply took her word for it and tried to help while still being honest. 

Eliza watched as her therapist pulled out a small package she knew all too well, and she placed it before her on the conference table. Sunlight fell on it. She met her eyes. 

“What’s this?” she asked.

“A little something to help with the cravings,” said Mrs. Darcy. 

“Revia?”

She nodded. “Revia.”

Naltrexone.

Eliza's eyes lingered on the small package. “Revia,” she repeated. She knew it was a tool, a means to an end. The internal conflict raged on, and at that moment, the wariness in her eyes spoke volumes.

Mrs. Darcy slid the package closer. “Now, it’s not a cure. You know that as well as I do. It's an addition to your support system. And it will take some of the strain off your body that your mind is putting on you.”

She traced the outline of the medication with trembling fingers. “I know that,” she whispered. 

“I know we’ve been down this road before, but since you want to get better now…” Mrs. Darcy gave her a supportive smile. “I think we’re on a good path here, and a little help can’t hurt. I need you present if you want to do this. I need you alive.”

She had a choice: to confront the demons within or succumb to the numbing embrace of substances. The weight of that decision weighed heavily on her shoulders.

“I’m not weak,” Eliza whispered again, more to herself than to the woman before her. 

She wasn’t weak. The words repeated like a mantra in the screen of her brain. 

“No one said you were,” Mrs. Darcy answered. “Strength lies in acknowledging your vulnerabilities. I told you that before.”

After a moment of silence, Eliza took a deep breath. She hesitantly reached for the package. It was a silent agreement. She didn’t have the words to say it out loud. 

A bitter chuckle passed her lips. “I feel like I'm running in circles,” she said.

“You’re breaking unhealthy patterns that became your survival instinct. No one said that doing this over and over again would be easy, but eventually, you will heal. Trauma is cruel, addiction is cruel, and your circumstances pose a whole ‘nother obstacle we’ve found ourselves faced with time and time again. No one is pressuring you into doing this other than yourself; that is what it takes.” Mrs. Darcy finished by filling her a glass of water. “Now, take your pills,” she told her. “We will go from there.”

Eliza sighed. “You’re very bossy, you know that, right?”

“It’s my job.”

“Is that why you never gave up on me? Or is it the money?”

“Believe it or not, I like you, Eliza,” Mrs. Darcy said. “It’s that easy. You deserve to have someone take a chance on you. Or two. Or how many more you might need.”

The words felt like a thousand needles drilling through her skin into her most sensitive nerves. Her head ached a little at the prospect of this woman wanting to help her simply because she believed in her. Tony paid her good money. It was easier to blame it on that than think, just for a moment, that she was worth it. Worth taking a chance on. Worth more than what she told herself she was. 

Matt loved her and he cared, but his feelings made him feel obligated to be there for her. Mrs. Darcy had no personal connection to her and yet, she stuck around for years. It was a lot to wrap her head around. 

A tear slid down her cheek. Eliza furiously wiped it away, angry at herself for letting this get to her. “I…” Her mind was in shambles. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

“Just accept it,” the woman said. 

She made it sound so simple, but accepting love and care and not turning it into unwanted pity was hard for her. She never trusted peace, she never trusted love because, in the past, it had always been bound to conditions. Who was to say that it wasn’t the case with the people in her life now?

She was overthinking. Her body burned brighter than the sun. This feeling of vulnerability kept eating her alive. Almost as if in a rush, Eliza reached for the package. She tried to take it slow, but her hands shook in the process of getting the pills out. She took one, not more, and popped it into her mouth. She downed it with the glass of water Mrs. Darcy offered her. 

Part of her imagined that it was Oxy she was taking and that the shaking would go away as soon as this flesh-eating pain in her soul went away, but she knew better. Revia tricks the body, not the mind. 

Mrs. Darcy’s smile turned triumphant. She picked her notebook back up, clicking the pen a few times. “Are you ready to talk now?” she asked. “Really talk?”

Eliza opened her mouth to object, but she quickly changed the course of her thinking. She let out a heavy sigh. “What do you wanna know?” she retorted. 

“How about everything?”

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

She wasn’t sure if she liked what that insinuated, considering she had shared her life story with her before, but Eliza had no choice. 

If Mrs. Darcy wanted to know everything, she had to tell her everything. There was no more use in lying now, anyway. Her soul lay open, bleeding out. That was her only way to survive. And she promised Matt to fight, so she would fight. For him. 

For herself.

But mostly for him. 

Tag List: @acharliecoxedfan @gpenguin666 @linamarr @mattkinsella @norestfortheshelbywicked @schneeflocky @yarrystyleeza @merlinbtch

#matt murdock #daredevil #matt murdock x ofc #matt murdock x original character #matt murdock angst #matt murdock x original female character #matt murdock x oc #matt murdock fic #daredevil fic #original female character #foreigner's god #matt murdock imagines #charlie cox

[victorluvsalice]

Sims 4 Valicer Outfit Fun II -- CC Edition

We interrupt your regularly-scheduled Chill Valicer Save updates with another "watch me play dress-up with my OT3 in Sims 4" post, courtesy of me downloading a bunch of custom content outfits a few weeks ago and having period brain this past weekend. :p Sometimes you gotta keep it simple, you know? Anyway, here's some new outfits for Smiler, Victor, and Alice, all with a lovely CC bent --

First up, Smiler in an outfit from @the-crypt-o-club's 2022 Simblrween offering, Angsty Adolescence! The half-plain-black, half-black-and-yellow-checked pants were a MUST -- they remind me a bit of what Agent Joytide was wearing during the Smiler Takeover! The alternating yellow-and-black plastic bracelets also felt very appropriate to The Smiler's general theme, and of course I had to give them the yellow sneakers with the happy face and rainbow doodles and the cute Freezer Bunny t-shirt in yellow. XD I think Smiler's also sporting some custom eye make-up, though I don't know if that's from this particular pack or one of The Crypt-O-Club's other Simblrween offerings. Looks good, though -- great for a party outfit!

Next up, let's have a Victorian Smiler, courtesy of @simmerofthedawn and their Men's Day Wear set from Part One of their Victorian Collection! This is a great set of men's suits, in both darker colors for Autumn/Winter and lighter palettes for Spring/Summer, so you'll always have a suit appropriate to the season! Plus they made a copy of the Vampires top hat and gave it SO many more swatches -- "33 shades" as per their own post! Seriously, the set is worth downloading just for THAT ALONE in my opinion. I naturally had to put Smiler in the swatch that contained the most yellow, and that proved to be this particular outfit -- even if the colors are a tad more muted than I'd like. Still, they look snazzy, and it is SO NICE to have a top hat that matches their outfit perfectly! :D

We now move onto Victor's section, featuring him in his Crypt-O-Club outfit -- or, at least, one of their Freezer Bunny shirts from the Angsty Adolescence collection, in a kicky blue. I'm not 100% sure on the shorts and shoes, though I would GUESS they're also CC, as that's what I was mainly working with during this "playing dress-up in CAS" section. *shrug* Either way, he looks pretty nice -- I think this would be a good "workout" look for him!

Back to Simmer Of The Dawn's Men's Day Wear for this picture, with Victor showing off one of the darker swatches for his outfit. In fact, I chose this particular outfit because it's actually as close to a "canon" Victor outfit as I'll probably ever get! The top half isn't quite right -- wrong type of necktie, waistcoat fastens too low down, coat tails are too long -- but it's still good, and the pants are REALLY good. Maybe a BIT dark, but still REALLY close to Victor's canon trousers. I approve. :D

And while we're on the "Victor in actual Victorian clothes" train, here's Victor sporting a suit from Simmer Of The Dawn's Victorian Collection Part Four -- the Men's Day Suit collection! These also come in darker tones for Autumn/Winter and lighter ones for Spring/Summer, and feature higher waistcoats, slightly different tails on the coats, and bow ties. Victor's in a Spring/Summer light blue ensemble because I thought it looked nice on him and fit his usual color scheme, paired with a pretty gray top hat. Perfect for a promenade around town!

The top hat from Simmer Of the Dawn remains, but we move onto a different creator for this outfit (minus the gloves and shoes) -- Historical Sims Life on blogspot, with their Boldness Beckons outfit converted from Sims 3! This is a nice, more wintery look for Victor, bundled up with a thick neck scarf against the cold. :) He looks very smart indeed!

And finally, we end on a couple of Alice outfits, starting again with Crypt-O-Club's stuff! Alice here is sporting a dress from I believe the DIY Or Die fan pack -- what can I say, it looked really good on her! The shoes are another swatch of the Angsty Adolescence Converse (seriously, I love those, with all the fun doodles all over them -- you can customize them for any personality), while the stockings should ALSO be Angsty Adolescence, but might be from another pack -- I've downloaded ALL their "fan made stuff packs" at this point, so. . . XD Still, it's a great "punk princess" look for her I feel!

And as for the Victorian look, I found this by @vintagesimstress -- the 1890s Working Girl Mini-Set! A couple of blouses and a trio of skirts based off what working-class ladies wore in the 1890s, as indicated -- Alice is wearing the shortest of the three skirt lengths because I like being able to see her feet. XD The set also comes with an apron overlay that you can put on as an "accessory" (under the "tights/stocking" option), but I forgot to put that on ^^;. Still, it's nice to see Alice in a classic Victorian blouse and skirt! Even if it's a bit weird to see her in anything that long. XD

And there we have it! I hope you enjoyed this CAS post -- NEXT week, back to the Chill Valicer Save and the store!

#sims 4 #looks #fashion #smiler alton #smiler always #victor van dort #alice liddell #custom content #yeah I went on a bit of a downloading spree in August and grabbed a bunch of Victorian men's clothes #and the crypt-o-club stuff as mentioned #what can I say I wanted to give my Sims new looks XD #(plus I was working on Sim versions of my OTHER coaster OCs for the other Alton Towers rides #and the Crypt-O-Club stuff in particular seemed well-suited for them #once I've got my designs a bit more finalized I'll show those off!) #really pleased with the Victorian suits #it's hard to find good clothes for male Sims sometimes! #but these come in a bunch of nice swatches :D #and seriously if nothing else get the top hat recolors #you will thank me for having more top hat options for your fancy Sims #queued

[middleearthpixie]

Seven Days ~ Chapter Sixteen

Seven Days -  Modern Tolkien AU

Firefighter Frerin Durin died in a fire set deliberately. But after he helps his brother, Thorin find happiness, Frerin is offered a second chance. He has to prove himself worthy by righting the one major wrong in his life. Otherwise, history will repeat and he will die for good this time. The catch? He has seven days in which to do this and isn’t even certain what his major wrong is.

At least, he doesn’t know for long. 

Syd Prescott has known Frerin since high school. She spent one night with him and then he vanished from her life. Now, he claims he wants to make it up to her, to right was he realizes was his major wrong. But can she trust him? And can he prove to her that she can before it’s too late? 

A/N - Updates may be sporadic over the next few days. My husband's dad passed away unexpectedly last weekend and so I haven't had the time or energy right now to write much of anything. But, there will be updates, I just don't now how often. Thank you, as always, for reading and for being patient at this time. 💜

This story is the sequel to Miss Fortune, but is a stand alone story.

Summary: Frerin has only a few hours to convince Syd of his sincerity...

Pairing: Modern!Frerin x OFC Syd Prescott

Characters: Frerin, Thorin, Syd, Alex

Warnings: Angst

Rating: T

Word Count: 3,523

Tag List: @tschrist1 @i-did-not-mean-to @lathalea @linasofia @fizzyxcustard @legolasbadass @kibleedibleedoo @xxbyimm @arrthurpendragon @exhausted-humxn-being @rachel1959 @laurfilijames @sketch-and-write-lover @sherala007 @enchantzz @knittastically @notlostgnome @myselfandfantasy @medusas-hairband @guardianofrivendell @jotink78 @frosticenow @quiall321 @dianakc

If you’d like to be added (or removed) to the tag list, please just let me know!

Previous chapters can be found here.

December 9th

Friday

Syd stared up at the ceiling. Tranquil blue. Her favorite color. Her eyes overflowed once more, tears slipping along her temples, into her hair. She felt so stupid, letting herself fall for Frerin the way she had. And all along, he’d just been playing with her, thinking she’d believe him, especially once he confessed his deep, dark secret to her.

Dead. 

Bullshit.

People didn’t come back from the dead. She’d given enough readings and seances to know that. They might contact you from the other side, but time didn't slip and people didn't get second chances. Dead was dead. There was no coming back from it.

Frerin tried calling her at least a dozen times but she couldn't bring herself to answer any of them. On the last attempt, he’d left a voicemail. 

“Look, Syd, I know you’re pissed and I don’t blame you, but I swear I wasn’t jerking you around or playing with you or trying to make you look stupid. And I don’t know if you’ll even listen to this without deleting it, and I don’t know if you just leave in in the mailbox, it’ll be here after tomorrow night, or tonight, actually, since it’s after one, which makes it Friday. Another twenty-four hours and you won’t remember any of this. But, I will and I’ll… I’ll watch over you, honey, okay? I’ll keep you safe if I can. I love you, Syd. I know you don't believe that, but I do and I—I don't know. I love you. Goodbye, honey.”

She had never heard such naked pain in a voice before, but there just was no way he was telling her the truth. Death was final. 

Wasn’t it?

Her parents had died the summer she graduated high school and more than anything, she’d longed to see them, to hear them, again. But neither she nor her sisters were strong enough to attempt to contact them. So, why could Frerin come back, but her parents couldn’t?

“Because he didn’t come back. He never left and he’s just fucking with you for some twisted reason.”

Her heart ached so badly to know he’d done such a thing. She’d been on the verge of falling so hard for him, wanted so badly to believe him when he’d said he’d changed, when he’d told her he wanted to be with her and only her. 

All. Lies.

“Syd? You okay? It’s almost ten and you never sleep this late.”

She sat up, swiping at her eyes. “I’m fine.”

The door opened and Alex poked her head in. “You sure?”

“Yeah. I—” Her lips trembled. “Frerin and I broke up last night.”

“What? No!” Alex’s eyes were perfectly round. “Why? What happened?”

“I don’t want to go into it, okay? It’s just… we broke up and it’s for the best because he really hasn’t changed at all, you know? He’s the same player he’s always been.”

“I’m so sorry, hon,” Alex came into the room, closed the door behind her, and sank onto the edge of Syd’s bed to wrap her in a hug. “I really hoped he had because you seemed so happy.”

“I know. Me, too. But—” Her voice cracked and the sobs came, and Alex just hugged her tighter.

Frerin stared up at the ceiling. Tranquil gray.

He felt sick. Everything had gone so horribly awry. How could he have fucked it up so badly with Syd? Why hadn’t he just been honest with her from the beginning?

“Because I know what would’ve happened, that’s why. This. This would’ve fucking happened.”

But at least then he’d have had the week to convince her. Now, he was down to hours and she wouldn’t take his calls. He’d left a voicemail. Radio silence. How the fuck was he going to convince her if she wouldn’t listen to him?

Riley lifted her head and yawned and Frerin sighed softly as he reached over to rumple that soft golden fur. “I don’t know how much time I have left, Rile,” he murmured, his hand going still, his throat tightening, “but I know Dís and the boys will be good to you, okay? So, uh, don’t miss me too much. And could you maybe not bark when you see me? It’s tough enough being on that side, without you thinking I’m some demon spirit or whatever.”

The doorbell rang and Riley let out a woof as she leapt from the bed and raced down the hallway. Frerin got up, slid into a pair of black sweatpants, and padded down after her. Did he dare hope Syd decided just come and talk to him?

It was not meant to be.

“Thorin? What’re you doing here?”

Thorin came into the living room. “Making sure you’re still here.”

“I am for now. But… probably not much longer.” Frerin closed the door behind him. “Let me let Riley out.”

“Wait, what do you mean, not much longer?”

“I told Syd the truth and it went about as well as I said it would.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.” Frerin made his way into the kitchen and unlocked the back door to let Riley out into the yard. It was a beautiful day, sunny with crystal blue skies and the fresh snow sparkled liked diamonds all across the back yard. Frerin just stared at it, trying to drink in the beauty he’d miss once he stepped back over the threshold. He wanted to remember all of this, no matter how much it would hurt later on. He had to remember it. Had to remember the bite of the cold air on his skin, the way the wind swept snow into small drifts along the fence, the clean, crisp scent of all of it. He needed to remember the sight of Riley as she chased the birds that dared land in her yard. He’d taken this—and so much more—for granted and learned the hard way to appreciate what the world had to offer. 

“I can talk to her, if you want.”

“She won’t believe you,” Frerin peered at him over his shoulder, “and I should probably warn you. Come tomorrow, you and Al won’t be a couple. You won’t start seeing her until next summer. And you won’t remember any of this week.”

“Like I’m going to forget this,” Thorin scoffed.

“No, you will.” Riley clattered up the back steps and darted into the kitchen, and Frerin closed the door behind her before turning back to his brother. “Everything will be as it was. I think it’ll go back to right around the time I died, but I can’t swear to it. So, maybe I’m wrong and you and Al will be happily screwing each other’s brains out. I—I don’t know anything any more, man. I had this chance and I fucking blew it and I don't know what happens next, aside from the fact that I’ll be dead this time tomorrow. For good this time.”

“She would’ve reacted the same way if you’d told her in the beginning, you know.”

“Yeah, but I’d have had the week to convince her. I’m down to about twelve hours, T. Maybe. Maybe less. And she won’t talk to me. And I can’t fucking blame her. And all I want is her to know I was honest with her.”

“I’ll make sure she knows if you can’t convince her.”

“Don’t bother. She won’t remember any of this, either. All she’ll remember is that I slept with her and didn't bother to call her the next day last summer.” He sank again the counter, raking a hand through his hair. “But, do me a favor? I mean, if you remember at all.”

“Yeah, Frer, anything.”

“Keep an eye on her. I don’t care if you run a background check on every guy she goes out with, just make sure she’s safe, okay?”

“You have time, Frer. Go over to the shop and talk to her.”

“I don’t know I can handle her shoving me away again.”

“I don't know you have a choice, man. Go and talk to her.”

“T, she’s furious with me. She thinks I’m either crazy or a liar or both. She thinks I used her. Again. She doesn’t want to see me.”

“I’ve never seen you give up so easily on a woman, man. What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m trying to accept what’s going to happen and it’s not easy. This isn’t a matter of just breaking up with her. I’m going to die, Thorin. That’s it. I’m down to my last few hours. This time tomorrow, I’ll be on the other side…” His throat seized then and he swallowed hard to clear it. “I’m not going to be here, Thorin. Next time you see me, I’ll be in a casket.”

“You’re a coward, you know that?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I do know. Big, brave firefighter scared to death of being screamed at by the tiny woman he’s been in love with half his life.”

“Spare me the melodramatic bullshit, Frerin. If you love her, go and tell her.”

“I did tell her. And she doesn’t believe me.”

“Tell her again. Tell her until she sees you turn to dust, man. Don’t puss out. If you do nothing, that’s it, remember? If you at least talk to her, there’s a chance.”

“And if she won’t talk to me? She’s ignored my calls, T. Every last one.”

“You’re no worse off than you already are.” Thorin shrugged. “If it was me, I’d be breaking down Lex’s door to make her listen to me. I sure as shit wouldn’t be here just accepting it.”

Frerin pushed away from the counter. “Look, I know what she’s going to do—”

“You think you know. But you don't know and you won’t unless you try.” Thorin looked down at his watch. “I’ve got to get to work. Go and talk to her. Trust me. You really have nothing to lose, man.”

Frerin’s throat tightened as he and Thorin walked to the door. “T, this might be the last time I see you, man. So—uh—if it is—”

“It won’t be,” Thorin told him as he faced him. He was about an inch taller than Frerin, every bit the big brother. “It won’t.”

“You don't know that.”

“No. I don’t. But I know you. And you’re too stubborn to give up without a fight, Frer.”

“Even so, I—uh—that is—I love you, T.”

Thorin’s eyes softened as he reached out to grab Frerin at the back of his neck. “You’re going to be fine, Frer, because you’re going to convince Syd you love her and that you’re not full of shit and maybe we’ll spend Christmas celebrating a couple of engagements.”

“You and Al?”

“She doesn’t know it yet, but,” Thorin nodded, “I’m going to ask her this weekend. And you straighten things out with Syd and we’ll go shopping for rings together.”

“I wouldn’t want to steal your thunder.”

“So don’t. But we’re still doing this. And I’m going to expect you to say yes when I ask you to be my best man.”

“Thorin, I—”

“We are still doing this. And I’ll say yes when you ask me to be your best man.”

Frerin nodded. “Yeah. We’ll still do it.”

“Good. Now, go shower and get over to Miss Fortune’s. Today isn’t over yet.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Alex, stop asking me.” Syd tried to ignore the stabbing pain behind her eyes as the bell above the door jingled and a group of teens came into the shop.

“I wish you’d tell me what happened. Or let me have Thorin pound some sense into his brother, because I’m sure he would.”

“Lex, you wouldn’t believe me if I did.”

“Try me.”

Syd reached up to rub her temples in the hopes of chasing her headache away. For all the good it did. She’d gotten almost no sleep, as a broken heart didn’t exactly aid in sweet dreams, and she’d played Frerin’s voicemail over to the point where she could hear it in her head. She deleted it, only to retrieve it and listened to it a dozen more times. 

“I heard it myself and I didn't believe it. You won’t either.”

“Syd, we come a long line of witches and seers. I’ll believe almost anything you tell me.”

“You won’t believe this.”

Alex leveled a long look at her. “Try me.”

Syd sighed. “Okay.”

She launched into what Frerin had told her last night, her voice breaking, her throat tightening, her eyes stinging, but to her surprise, Alex didn't look more than concerned as Syd finished with, “He was just using me, Lex. Just wanted to get me in bed again.”

“I don't know, Syd. You said he’s been calling you ever since, right? And you slept with him days ago and he hasn’t vanished, right? And you just told me he’s calling you his girlfriend.” She arched one brow. “The boyfriend?”

“Yeah, but it’s insane. No one comes back—” She lowered her voice as the teens emerged from the book stacks, each clutching a paperback on crystals. “All set?”

“Will you be getting any more of the Candlework for Dummies books in?”

Syd nodded. “We should be. I’m actually going to be going over for a meeting later with the vendor, so I can talk to them about getting it in our next order.”

“Wait, why are you going there?” Alex asked as she reached across the counter to take the first book. 

“The district manager called me about an invoicing problem and wanted to sit down to talk about it. I was supposed to meet with them next week, so we just moved it up to today.” 

“What time?”

“Four.” Syd reached beneath the counter to grab bags. “Are these together or separate?”

“Together.”

Alex scanned and Syd bagged and after the teens left, Alex said, “As I was saying, I’m not so sure Frerin is lying to you. When we were in Stowe, Thorin woke up from this nightmare looking like he’d seen a ghost. He said he’d dreamed that Frerin was at a fire and the building collapsed on him and he didn't make it out.”

“Lex, Frerin is a firefighter. It makes sense to have a dream like that about him.”

“No, this was different.” Alex tucked a lock of black hair behind her left ear, her forehead furrowing. “He said he’d never dreamed anything this vivid about Frerin before. And that wasn't it. He wasn't alone. He was trying to get someone out, when the smoke overtook him and then the roof fell in. Maybe that’s what’s going to happen.”

“And he knows about it?”

“Thorin told me his family is descended from the vǫlur, and from Druid high priestesses and priests. They believe in this stuff just as we do. What if Frerin is telling you the truth? I mean, it sounds so crazy, it kind of has to be true, don't you think? Who would make that up?”

“But, what if he’s just dicking around with me, Lex?”

“What if he isn’t, though? This isn’t a matter of you can always laugh about it tomorrow. If he’s telling you the truth and Thorin saw it, you get this one chance, Syd. Go talk to him.”

Syd’s belly kinked and genuine fear chilled her blood. “You don’t think I’m being completely stupid?”

“Syd,” Alex offered up that same long look, “have I never not told you when you were being completely stupid?”

“Well, no.”

“Yeah. I don't think it would be stupid. Just the opposite, actually. And, I kind of feel like you should go now and talk to him. Like, right now. In fact, I’m impatient for you to go now. Here,” she reached under the counter for her purse, and came up with her car keys, “take my car and then just come back and get me when your meeting is over, okay?”

Syd looked from the keys dangling from her sister’s hand to the green eyes filled with concern and a hint of fear fluttered through her. If Alex thought she should give Frerin the chance, then she should probably give him the chance. Alex was the most level-headed of them all. 

“Okay.”

“And let me know, okay? I’m kind of worried for him.”

Syd took the keys to Alex’s red Jeep, as Alex drove them both to work that morning. “Lex, are you sure?”

“I am. Go and hear him out. You’ll really regret it if you don’t.” 

Syd nodded. “Okay. Yeah.”

“I mean, it can wait until after the makeup sex, but let me know.”

“Lex!”

“What? Just… not in my car, okay? Not even Thorin has gotten lucky in Betty.”

“You call your car Betty?”

“Syd!”

“Right. Okay. I’m going over to Frerin’s.” Butterflies erupted in her belly as her throat tightened. “Wish me luck.”

“Luck.” Alex hugged her and then gave her a gentle shove. “Go.”

Syd went back to the break room to grab her coat, and then hurried out to where Alex’s Jeep (Betty?) was parked. As she was shorter than Alex, Syd offered up a silent prayer for forgiveness as she moved first the seat, then the mirrors. 

Then, she turned over the ignition and carefully eased out of her space. Her heart hammered her ribs to make dots dance before her eyes every now and again and she had to remind herself to breathe. She couldn’t help it. She’d been an idiot, all right, and she knew Alex wouldn’t steer her wrong. She trusted Alex when she didn't trust herself. And besides, like Alex said, if Frerin wasn't bullshitting her, she ran the risk of losing him forever and that was one risk she was not about to take. 

She drummed nervously on the wheel as she steered down Main Street and made the left onto Atwood, then a right onto Riverview. As the gray Cape Cod with dark blue shutters came into view, her mouth went dry and her heart sped up to the point where she wouldn’t have been surprised if it burst clear out of her chest. 

And as quickly as it sped up, her spirits sank and slowed it down.

Frerin’s driveway was empty. It was his day off. He didn't go on shift until eight o’clock tomorrow morning.

So, where was he?

Her gut curdled, although she had no cause for it to do so. She’d told him in no uncertain terms they were finished, so if he was out chatting up a beautiful blond or brunette or redhead, with the intention of bringing her home, there was nothing she could do about it. 

She sat there for a moment, and then reached for her cell phone, toggling to her voice mails. 

“Look, Syd, I know you’re pissed and I don’t blame you, but I swear I wasn’t jerking you around or playing with you or trying to make you look stupid. And I don’t know if you’ll even listen to this without deleting it, and I don’t know if you just leave in in the mailbox, it’ll be here after tomorrow night, or tonight, actually, since it’s after one, which makes it Friday. Another twenty-four hours and you won’t remember any of this. But, I will and I’ll… I’ll watch over you, honey, okay? I’ll keep you safe if I can. I love you, Syd. I know you don't believe that, but I do and I—I don't know. I love you. Goodbye, honey.”

Goodbye.

Her eyes welled up, tears spilling over her lower lashes as she started down at his contact photo, splopping onto the screen as she couldn't hold them back. “I do love you,” she whispered.

Then, she sniffed, dragged her sleeve across her eyes, and hit Mobile to dial his phone. 

Her heart sped up again, the black dots worse as his cell rang. And rang. And rang.

And went to voicemail.

“Hey, it’s Frerin. Sorry I missed you. You know the drill—leave me a message and I’ll call you back eventually. Bye.”

She could almost hear the smile in his deep voice, and without thinking, she said, “It’s me—ah, Syd, Frerin. I—uh—I’m sorry. No, that’s stupid… I mean, I am sorry, but I—give me a call when you get this, okay? I think we need to talk. So, uh, just call me. I don't care what time it is. Bye.”

She clicked off and a moment later, her cell rang. Her hopes shot through the Jeep’s ceiling, but crashed just was fast when the caller came up as unknown. She let it go to voicemail and with a sigh, eased the Jeep into reverse to back out of the driveway. It was almost time for her meeting anyway, so she put the transmission into gear and made her way toward the western side of Cranford, toward Park Street, where a massive industrial park housed Erich and Rice, the vendor with the invoice problem that apparently couldn't be resolved over the phone.

#Gerard Butler #Frerin Durin #Richard Armitage #The Hobbit #Thorin Oakenshield #Hobbit Fic #Hobbit Fanfic #Fan fiction #The Hobbit fan fiction #Frerin x OC #AU #Frerin Fic #Is it hot in here? #Romance #Modern AU

[never-not-ever]

Last update was about a week ago. Sometimes I feel like what’s the point in posting these but then I remember how down the road I like looking back and rereading these. Although sometimes it’s triggering, but other times it’s like damn I’ve come far from that dark place.

I still journal and actually just wrote up an entry. It was a long one and I guess I can just use that to look back on but it’s easier and faster to type.

So that week were my doctor put me on that 3-11 1:1 I was on it for 3 days, Tues-Thurs. I came off it Friday and it was my doctors last day before her 2-fucking-week vacation. She’s back the day after Christmas and I wonder if I’ll still be here.

This past week I had this covering doctor who is a lot. He’s annoying in the sense that he interrupts me, writes up things in my notes like “feels tired this morning, doesn't think it's the trazodone this morning, but is worried that trazodone can / did make her tired this morning (self-contradicts herself)” and “inconsistency in statements” like so what if I said I didn’t think it made me tired but maybe now that I think of it maybe it did? And then that inconsistency thing is cause I said that I wouldn’t kill my self when I discharge cause I don’t want to hurt my grandmother like that and he said “well aren’t you hurting her by being in here and hurting yourself?”…

I miss my old doctor and now my social worker is out on vacation this week. I mean as annoying as this new doctor is he is somewhat helpful cause he’s all about problem solving and skills. Wait.. am I just contradicting myself again…

This past week he said some comments how my self harm is less severe cause I was punching the ground and not cutting my skin open. He also said on Monday “let’s be honest you’re probably going to hurt yourself later, so let’s focus on going to staff beforehand”. That part pissed me off, like don’t take away my control, don’t decide for me. I make the decision not you. And then that “less severe” comment pushed me over the edge and I ended up doing the later instead of punching the ground. Don’t get me wrong, I take full accountability of my actions. I am not blaming anyone for “well that’s why I self harmed”. No. Peoples words effect my thoughts and urges but ultimately it’s my choice to self harm or not and it’s no one’s fault but my own.

So because of the “later” he reinstated that 3-11 1:1 this past Thursday with the plan to keep it through the weekend. Every week for the past few weeks I keep saying I want to leave this week. On Monday, when I first met with him I asked “can I leave this Friday” and he replied that it “was possible but let’s see how the week goes”. Then I landed myself on that 1:1 so obviously I didn’t leave yesterday.

But during my team meeting yesterday I brought this brilliant idea to the table. I said to them how, as it’s been said multiple times, I’m just going in circles. I self harm, get put back on a 1:1, think “well it’s not that bad at least it’s not 24 hours”, stop self harming to get off it, last a few days, self harm again and then the cycle repeats itself. I hate that I have to say this but ultimately a 24 hour 1:1 is the thing that will prevent me from ever self harming again in here (well maybe… and I’ll get to that part later). Especially since my social worker said that the next 1:1 will be all belongings taken away. So my idea was take me off this 3-11 1:1 and I’ll know that if I self harm again I’ll go right back on it and 24 hours. He liked this plan and asked me how long the 24 hour 1:1 would be and k said I don’t know, it doesn’t matter cause it’s not going to happen. He still wanted me to give an answer and so I said a week. And to make sure I’m not being sneaky and self harming but not telling staff I said I will do arm checks each night to prove it. Even though it was my idea I hated it but I know it’ll prevent me from doing anything.

Now the maybe part- which I just thought of today… Wait, I did end up getting my idea approved so no more 1:1. And also I told them how I wanted to start proving to them I can be safe because if I get covid I want to be able to say “look at all these days I’ve been self harm free, now let me discharge now because I am NOT isolating myself after I just started being social”. There’s been two cases of covid this past week. We all tested again this morning. I’ll get my results tonight and I swear to god if it’s positive I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Back to that “maybe” part. I was thinking earlier how if the people I’m social with were to discharge before me there would be no reason to care about going back on the 1:1 which sounds horrible but like I said, I’ve been more social and it’s been great but like I still feel incredibly hopeless about my future. I still know that the self harm and drinking is going to start right back up when I get home, my SI is getting worse even though I’m swearing I won’t do anything. Like it’s not enough to keep me here especially if the self harm stops. Then again my reasoning to not self harm is to be able to discharge asap if I test positive. Not really to continue to be social. Ughh I feel like I’m making no sense and maybe this covering doctor is right and I’m just self contradicting myself…

My roommate discharged last Wednesday and I miss her so much but I still have this other girl that I’m close with here. We have a group chat and once we leave we’re all planning to hang out. Then there’s this guy… oh god.. I don’t even know where to begin or how much to share. He’s been here a week and I think we started including him in our card games his first night. He was and still is so mysterious. If looks could kill… That first night I started giving sarcasm right back to him and my two friends here said in the group chat that they think he likes me. I didn’t believe it cause 1) I’m gross looking and 2) who the fuck would like me? The next night he asked me how long I’ve liked girls for and I told him my coming out/sexuality changing rollercoaster. Came out in Jan 2017, didn’t want to label myself, just liked people. Then a few months later was like ugh guys are disgusting. Now that I’ve broken up with my ex I’m questioning myself and who the fuck knows. Him asking that made me wonder why he cares and my friends continued to come up with confirming reasons that he likes me. Which is so bizarre to me because it’s been so long since anyone’s showed interest in me. Maybe cause I’ve just made work my entire life and had no social life at all.

So since then there’s been lots of flirting and sarcasm fights. This guy he hangs out with keeps saying he can see the chemistry between us. He didn’t say those words but he speaks Spanish, very little English and the way he tries to insinuate that there’s something between us is hilarious. I actually love playing cards with him he’s so fucking funny.

So last night a bunch of us were playing cards. We’re sarcastically fighting like usual and this lady who’s doing a puzzle says that we fight like a married couple.. So he said how more people are starting to catch on and he’s right. Then my absolute favorite nurse walks into the dining room right as I call him an asshole. I told her that he’s mean and deserves it. That lady tells the nurse how we fight like a married couple and she agreed and I thought the nurse said “I thought you were less mean” to which I replied “you thought I was less mean???” Cause she knows me well enough by now. BUT she really said “I thought you were a lesbian”. There was my opportunity to start a cover story. So I told her “I am a lesbian, just a mean lesbian” and she started dying laughing. Then I told him “you know I’m not a lesbian, I’m mean clearly I’m not a lesbian”. I’m not going to go into the reasons why he knows I’m definitely not just into girls but I will say this has been my most interesting, risky, fun/thrilling inpatient stay I’ve ever had…

And that about covers it and brings me up to speed.

#personal #inpatient #tw self harm #trigger warning self harm

[levelzeo]

Level Zeo's Brilliant Diamond Nuzlocke - Part 4

It’s Nuzlocke time again baby.  I took a break for a few days and had a great time with my loved ones, but now I’m back and better than ever!  If you are just joining me for my journey, where I talk about what happens in my Nuzlocke while also telling you about what personalities I think my Pokemon have, then you need to go catch up on the other parts.  You can read parts 1-3 HERE, HERE, and HERE.  It’s okay, I’ll wait for you to come back.  If you’re all caught up, then let’s get into things.

Current Team

Simmer the Monferno

Boof the Bibarel

Doc the Zubat

Petard the Geodude

Orion the Luxio

Puddle the Psyduck

Boxed Pokemon: 3

Deaths: 1

Badges: 1

When I last updated, I mentioned that I spread honey on a couple of trees.  Doing so means that it's time to get my encounters for Floaroma Meadow and Route 205.  Checking on the trees, I ended up with Dex the Aipom from Floaroma, and Silk the Wurmple from 205.

Dex has a Relaxed nature and is Somewhat Stubborn.  She’s a dextrous little monkey who doesn’t take anything seriously.  She sees battling as nothing more than a weird complicated game, even as others like Simmer or Puddle try to tell her otherwise.  It seems like putting her on the team at this moment wouldn’t be a good idea, so it is off to the box she goes.

Silk has a Quiet nature and Likes to Relax.  She’s a sleepy little Wurmple.  Unless something goes very wrong, or I desperately need her specific move coverage, she will probably stay in the box, which is perfectly okay with her.  While others in the box run around and play (Snek, Bonny, and Dex), she just takes naps.  Before I let her sleep though, I leave her on the team for a couple of wild encounters just to see what she will evolve into.  Orion keeps a watchful eye while Doc drains the life from some wild Buizel.  After gaining one level, Silk becomes a Silcoon.  And then she gets put in the box to nap.

Before I make my way further down Route 205, I decide to circle back to Jubilife.  I want to get more apps for my watch and stop at the TV center to do the lottery.  While there, I make the mistake of talking to a random clown, who pulls out a Mr Mime to attack me without mercy.  Orion sees the danger and stands between the team and the murderous mime.  He does what he can, but gets beaten down hard by the clown’s attacks.  Boof jumps in to take an attack that would have probably killed Orion, and hits Headbutt after Headbutt into the Mr Mime.  Eventually, both combatants are in the red.  Despite the fears of both myself and Simmer, the Monferno enters battle to hopefully end this before we lose anyone.  Luckily, the mime only uses Pound, and Simmer can land a Mach Punch on the next turn to win.

That was terrifying.  What is it with this city and clowns?  If I was even a little less lucky, Orion, Boof, or even Simmer could have died.  Somehow we survived though, and it will take a lot to make me come back to Jubilife.  I run all the way back to Route 205, and continue with my Pokemon journey.

The team fights the many trainers on Route 205.  Puddle is more and more becoming an excellent member of the team, easily destroying the rock and fighting types being thrown against us, proving her psychic abilities.  And if she can’t handle it, then Boof and Petard are always more than happy to get in there and fight together.

We eventually make it to Eterna Forest, where we both meet and agree to chaperone Cheryl.  Her ability to keep all of my pokemon healthy is highly valuable, and I make good use of it in order to train the team in preparation for the next Gym.

While we bumble about in the forest, I encounter a Murkrow who I name Corva.  She is Rash and Quick Tempered.  An ex-mob boss who was deposed by her former second-in-command, Corva is the kind of Pokemon who would plot someone’s death for even a perceived slight.  She is looking to form a new criminal empire and to use it to exact her revenge.  I send her to the box, hoping she doesn’t turn any of the other Pokemon in there to a life of crime.

Knowing that the next Gym is going to be grass type, I focus on training Doc and Simmer, probably my two Pokemon who would get along the least.  They are both very particular and like things being done in a certain way, so their wants and needs often clash.  Simmer finds Doc to be a dangerous, evil, selfish little bat.  On the other side, Doc sees Simmer as a cowardly fool, and still somewhat blames the Monferno for our Nuzlocke’s first death.  In fact, his desire to show up my starter causes Doc to train himself to evolution, evolving into a Golbat!

With our training done, we say goodbye to Cheryl and leave Eterna Forest.  Orion fights off some fishermen who try to bother us, and we enter Eterna City.  Apparently Team Galactic has been kidnapping Pokemon and bike salesmen, but we have no time to focus on that, we have a Gym to defeat!  The Gym trainers are easily defeated, so let’s skip right to the main event, the fight against Gardenia.  Second Gym battle, start!

Round 1 is against Cherubi.  Doc looms large about the grass type in his now evolved form, and he easily defeats them with a single Poison Fang.  Round 2 brings out a Turtwig, and Doc stays in, confident that his superior intellect and abilities will allow him to defeat this Gym by himself.

Unfortunately, Doc is a little too confident.  His Poison Fang is not enough to kill this time, and the Turtwig is able to set up a Reflect.  Doc knows that brute strength won’t be enough now, so as Turtwig gets healed with a potion, Doc is able to confuse it with Supersonic.  With his foe debilitated by confusion, Doc goes back on the offensive with Poison Fang, dealing a little less than half as Turtwig uses Work Up.  That Reflect will make this somewhat more difficult.  Fortunately for us, Doc’s attack also inflicts poison, dealing a little more damage.  Another attack from Doc puts the Turtwig into the red, but the grass type breaks out of its confusion and lands a Critical Razor Leaf before succumbing to poison damage.  Doc’s ego must take a blow here.  He is not stupid enough to risk himself against Gardenia’s ace after that Razor Leaf.  With a sigh and a sneer, he switches out for Simmer.

Final Round.  Simmer vs Roserade.  The grass type begins with a Stun Spore, an attack that could potentially cripple us and lose us this battle, but Simmer is able to dodge effortlessly and hit a Flame Wheel, leaving the Roserade with a nasty burn.  The opponent eats their berry, but the extra health will not be enough to save them, especially as the Reflect that had been set up finally runs out.  Grass Knot does about a quarter of Simmer’s health, while my Monferno hits with a Critical Flame Wheel, knocking out the Roserade for good, and winning us our Second Gym Badge!

Forest Badge Obtained!

Two Badges down, and no new losses!  The team is riding high despite Doc’s distaste at not being the one to bring down the final opponent.  We gain access to Cut, which will allow us to finally take care of this city’s pesky Galactic problem.  A problem I will take care of next time.  Also on my list of things to do next time is to enter the Grand Underground.  I think I will probably give myself one encounter for each Zone, giving me a total of six encounters from the underground.  Something to look forward to as the journey continues.

#i still think my team sketches are bad #but i also think im getting better #level zeo nuzlocke #nuzlocke #pokemon nuzlocke #nuzlocke story #pokemon #pokemon bdsp #brilliant diamond #pokemon brilliant diamond #brilliant diamond nuzlocke #nuzlocke art #fuck clowns #aipom #wurmple #silcoon #murkrow #golbat

[thebentbones]

I took my new name documents to the doctor to finally have my name changed after wrongfully being denied for a year, only to have the same vile receptionist tell me (actually not me, she only looked my mom the whole time, even when I was speaking directly to her) that they couldn't change my title and gender. She said, "we can only do that when they've had..." and gestured to her lower half.

When I said that I am able to do that actually she nodded along, and then said "well maybe if you go and do some research on it a bit we can work it out" I told her there was no need, as I have extensively researched it.

There's a back and forth of her saying to look into it (again, only addressing my mother) and me insisting I have, where she says that they've just been talking about it in the office and weren't sure what to do (which seems like something they should know, or immediately find out when it comes up). She told me to come back when I've done some research and talk to the practice manager. At one point she said to change title I'd need a new NHS number, and I said "yes, that's what I need you to do!" Thinking we'd finally got there, but then she went back to saying they couldn't do it.

So i'm desperately trying to get my internet to work to prove what I'm saying, but she is moving away back to her desk. Its obvious she doesn't believe me, or simply can't be arsed, and is trying to shut me down. She came over to tell me all this while I was in the waiting room waiting to see the doctor, so I'm panicking that I'm about to be called and that I'm losing her attention and my chance. Everyone in the room can hear what's happening.

I can't get the page to load but I tell her I know I'm right because it's the psce website I got my information from. This seemed to change something, and visibly annoy her, and she says she'll be back in a moment. When she comes back she says that she spoke with the office manager (if she's been here the whole time why not get her at the beginning?) and that it has to be done through psce, they'll start it now and it should be sorted in a few days. She gave no apology or explanation, she still did not even look at me.

Then my wrong name came up on the board for the whole room to see, starting with 'miss', as I was called into the doctor. A humiliation to rub salt in the wound. I was so excited to finally change my details after being wrongly denied for months, she took something that should have been joyful and made it painful and humiliating.

Honestly if my sister hadn't been there I think I would have taken the whole thing a lot harder. My sister was pissed though. When we got out of there she was so angry, talking about how it is straight up discrimination and fucking disgusting. We ranted it out together and it helped so much, like yes, that fucking sucked and was completely messed up, did that actually happen? What is that old bags problem? Maybe if you don't know how to speak to other human beings or what compassion is then this isn't the job for you.

The psce website says it takes no longer than 5 working days. So if it isn't done in one week, we will be walking back into that doctors office with the whole page printed off, highlighted at the relevant parts, and will not be leaving until it is done. Luckily I have support, not everyone does. I have to make sure they know this process so that the next person doesn't have to fight in order to be treated like a human being.

Weirdly every other place I've needed to update has been so easy, they just make a copy of my document and fill in a form. As soon as I get my new passport I can change the last few places and my deadname will be gone!

#fuck that lady #typical gp receptionist behaviour #superiority complex #trans stuff #transition #transgender #name change

[vtforpedro]

general update

I don’t have much to update beyond my disability case. I have my hearing with a judge and my attorney next tuesday and I am extremely nervous. I know they’re usually only an hour long and my attorney will prepare me for questions and what I should focus on, but it’s been over three years. it feels hard to condense a series of unfortunate events (derogatory, ongoing) into an hour to try to prove I’m disabled but !!! reading about it makes me sad. on law websites it’ll say ‘regardless of how disabled you are and the fact that you cannot work whatsoever, you may not be disabled by law’ and it’s so disheartening. I also know my neurologist is not on my side. ‘I’M NOT AN ADVOCATE FOR LONG TERM DISABILITY!’ as if anyone living on SSI can actually live on SSI. and he didn’t even ask my goals or anything? just heard ‘disability’ and assumed I wanted to live off the state. doctors are so out of touch it’s depressing. SSI barely covers half of rent just about anywhere, especially after inflation, but it is still life-saving. and it’s painful to know he wrote an opinion on my condition while being discriminatory blegh my psych is on my side and the proof of MH stuff is really strong imo. he told me earlier this month I deserve it not only for MH but for physical disability too and that felt nice to hear at least anyway I see my neurologist tomorrow via teleheath so I’ve been crying on and off for a week. this happens every time I see him. would love to get his opinion on it 🙃 I hope my attorney feels good about the case but I’ve only briefly spoken with him by email. they call one day ahead of time and apparently this is ‘normal’ but as someone who is claiming two anxiety disorders it S U C K S but yeah off to physical therapy, which I’ve had a harder time with lately b/c the pressure in my head goes insane and I have to keep taking breaks. it’s really hard to explain that my cerebellum feels like an extra heart and not only can I feel it, the sound of it in my skull is disturbing. my ears pop, my head feels like it’s gonna blow. it’s hard to explain that without sounding crazy but my physical therapists have been cool about it even if they’re kinda like ‘well ok!’ lmao I really hope the judge I’ll see hears me so few people (doctors) have and it doesn’t matter even when I prove I’m right over and over and over again that something is wrong with me cause I live in this body. they go ‘oh ok THAT was real but you’re definitely wrong about this’ and the cycle keeps going ‘ego so large it could kill me’ - person on twitter who is 1000% correct

#vtforpedro personal #vtforpedro medical #blleeeegghhh #turn back the clock man

[charincharge]

AAAA ok so update on meeting that girl for the first time. Pretty sure you’re absolutely right, thanks for the help <3 Going to try to keep this update somewhat in order: When we get to the meeting place, we realize we have no clue what anyone looks like + no one knows real names, so my family goes to sit down. Meanwhile, I see a REALLY PRETTY GIRL (who I highly suspect is LGBTQ also (I’m pan) but didn’t get to confirm) standing off to the side. Anyways, I said something to my parents about if we had a way to contact her or her parents somehow and the girl I had seen just snaps up to look at me and there’s just a silent “YOU” that passed between us because she recognized my voice from when we play games together. Anyways, yeah she’s SUPER PRETTY???? jshdkdja So after talking to confirm via online aliases, we both get VERY nervous and kind of mumble awkwardly to each other in greeting. Everyone else gets along great right away, so that’s good. BUT THEN we go on the tour and I’m kind of mumbling some comments about things we saw and she laughs and !!!!! We start talking and literally will not shut up by the end of the day. Like, we get along so well???? Even as we were walking back to the cars at the end of the day, we were staying together just talking the whole way. + after the tour we went out to lunch / early dinner and got ice cream. AND apparently she just recently found her first shark tooth and is really interested in them. Since I live like.. 30 mins max from the beach (with tons of teeth!!) I decided to invite her to the beach and now we’re planning to meet again sometime to go look for shark teeth together + she doubts that the aquarium is very interesting so I may or may not take her there too afterwards to prove her wrong :D (context: we have one of the largest, most interactive aquariums and, as someone who normally dislikes going literally anywhere, even I find it really fun). Anyways, today was great and she’s amazing and we’re definitely planning on doing more stuff together soon!!! As I’m typing this, I’m actually waiting for her to come online so I can finish teaching her how to play a game I like (we played for like 4 hours and haven’t even made it through the tutorial yet bc we were laughing too much and getting way too distracted just messing around last time) for the next few hours (aka probably until 2:00am or so-)

But yeah, you’re most likely right. Which also kinda scares me bc I’m also demi and I’ve never felt like that before?? So it’s weird just meeting her for the first time and instantly getting along THAT well. Your advice absolutely helped though, so thank you again <3 I probably wouldn’t have recognized what the source of nervousness was otherwise + I was basically mentally repeating “just act natural, just act natural, …” the entire first half.

Other great stuff: she sat next to me on the bus!! we hadn’t really talked aside from the mumbled greetings at that point and she could’ve easily sat with her family, but NO. She chose to sit next to me instead. we’re also just generally interested in a lot of the same stuff (but in a way that weirdly compliments each other?? Like, same general interests but different aspects of them that often are best when working together). Also pretty much the exact same sense of humor (hence us laughing and talking so much after my initial muttered comments about the tour). Overall, just AAAAAA jshsjdja it was so much fun and after the initial awkward mumbly stage we both were just having a ton of fun.

This sounds like it all went SO well!!!! I’m so glad!!!! I hope it continues on, and even if it doesn’t, you should still be so proud of yourself for getting out there 🥰

#heartwarming update #sorry for the late reply #things have been a wee bit cray over here #ask

[5sosxqueen]

Luke

< Part 1 , ~Part 2~ , Part 3 > , Part 4 >

Luke in a cowboy hat. That is all I have to say.

Warnings: depictions of illness, vomiting, choking, mentions of hospital

Written in 2018

Published (Wattpad) - Jan 31, 2018

Word Count: 1498

Updates are every Tuesday and Thursday

Also Available on Wattpad and AO3!!!

Part 2:

Luke's POV:

     "Fuck" I choked out between hacks. "C-can't *cough* bre- *cough* breathe..." I felt a tear run down my cheek.

     After about 45 seconds of constant choking, Cash rushed over behind me, placing his arms a couple inches underneath my rib cage and grabbing one of his wrists, bracing one of his thighs between my ass cheeks (not awkward at all), and trusted my body upward a couple times,pressing his arms into my stomach, dislodging the bite of sandwich that was wedged in my throat. I had seen this done in movies, but to have it done to you is a totally different story... And man is it painful as hell!!

     Although I had my throat clear of food and could finally breathe, I once again felt a rush of food come barreling up my throat. I jogged over to the sink and spewed bits of sandwich and stomach acid onto the bottom of the metal with a sickening sound, only enhanced by the square basin. The sound caused quite a few other gags. "Sorry guys..." I gagged again with a bit of bile spilling out of my mouth. They walked over and rubbed my back as I started to dry heave.

     "It's fine Luke, you can't help it." Ashton spoke in a comforting tone.

     "At least this time it wasn't as bad, thanks to you Cash." I said looking over slightly toward Cash. My head shot back over the sink as I lurched forward with another gag. "Damnit..." I heaved and closed my eyes so I didn't have to look as my I lost my stomach again. Calum must have noticed this action because he reach over and turned on the tap. "Tha-" I was cut off with another gag.

     "Shhhh bud, don't talk, but you're welcome." He said gently. I nodded and dry heaved. This bout of sickness was worse than last time. Once it eased up I pushed myself up and away from the sink. Taking several deep breaths, much to my satisfaction, I looked over to Cash.

     "So, what's the next course of action? Clearly that didn't work..." I looked back down at the sink and my stomach swirled at the thought of what just happened. I felt my stomach lurch and I willed myself not to go into a fit again.

     It didn't work... I pulled myself back down and gagged up more bile. "Dang, get it up." Michael cooed. It's frustrating because just as I feel my stomach is empty, it proves me wrong. I vomited just as much as I had the first time. "How?" He simply questioned. I shrugged I had no idea either.

      "I think I'm actually done." I stated as I finally felt my stomach settle. I looked back to Cash with a long sigh. He smiled sympathetically and patted my back.

     "We need to get you to the hospital to get this further looked at." I hated the thought, but I understood. I turned to go get ready, but he grabbed my shoulder. "Luke, we can wait for a bit if you'd like... I have to warn you that they will want to do the same thing I did in order to get a definitive answer."

     "Ya. Ok, I'll wait for a while. Thanks Cash. Can we maybe go in the morning?" He nodded. I was really tired and I hoped to God nothing serious would be come out of this. 'It won't be anything serious.' I thought getting into bed.

     We decided to try again this morning. Just one more time, before I go to the hospital. Maybe, just maybe the first couple time we're flukes. Maybe I'm fine and nothing would come of it.

     We decided I would try to eat some eggs. "Softer food might go down a bit easier. We will try some different techniques, as long as you feel up to it. If nothing works, I'm afraid you will have to go. No questions asked." I didn't fully like the sound of that, but quite honestly what choice did I have in the matter? I agreed. "Ok. Take a bite and chew it until there are absolutely no chuncks. Keep trying that... We can make more eggs if you finish them." Cash explained.

     "Fair enough, I suppose." I stated, shoveling a forkfull of eggs into my mouth. "I am, quite honestly, starting to become terrified of eating guys..." That is something I never thought I would say. They all looked at me sadly.

Michael's POV:

      We all ate before Luke even got up. None of us are wanting to eat around him at this time. I really feel bad for him. Eating is something we all take for granted. I couldn't imagine not being able to eat all of a sudden, just the thought alone terrifies me.

     We watched Luke as he carefully chewed the eggs. He scrunched up his face as he tried to swallow... It seemed like he was worse off than yesterday. He shook his head and spit out the eggs into a napkin. "I can't.. At all. It won't go down." He started tearing up. "What's happening to me!?" His breathing picked up and he started shaking.

     "Luke calm down. It's ok." Calum shushed him.

     "NO. ITS NOT OK CALUM! I CANT FUCKING EAT.... you really think that's ok?" He shouted and stood up with tears streaming down his face.

     "No. I'm sorry, I didn't-" Calum started tearing up and rapidly excused him self from the table.

     "Really Luke? I understand you're scared, but was that called for? He was only trying to calm you down. You we're going into a fit..." Ashton said, getting up to check on Cal. Luke looked down I can see the shame written on his face.

     He slammed his hand against the table, causing Cash and I both to jump out of our skin. "Damnit all to hell!" He cursed. I have never seen Luke so fumed. He left the table leaving us stunned.

     I got up and followed him back to the bunks, where he went over to Ash and Cal. His knees were drawn to his chest, and he had his head buried into his arms. Ashton had his arm wrapped over him. "Cal..." Calum looked up at his name being called, his eyes red rimmed. "Cal... I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. It's just, not being able to eat is really taking it's toll on me, although there truly is no excuse for acting that way. I'm sorry... Please forgive me!" Luke crashed to his knees in a sobbing mess. Calum rushed over to Luke, putting his feelings aside in favor of Luke's.

     "Of course I forgive you..." He said engulfing him in the biggest hug possible. "I understand that you are irritable from not eating. You haven't truly eaten in a couple days now. I think it's time. Don't you?" Luke looked up tearfully and accepted that he needed to go. Waiting was no longer an option. I helped get him and Cal off the ground and we all walked back over to Cash, who was still seated at the table.

     "What's going on guys?" He asked standing up from his seated position.

     "It's been officially decided that we are making the trip to the hospital now. This lad needs it now." I said, tossing my arm over Luke's shoulder as I spoke.

     "Alrighty. You guys got everything you need?" We nodded. We didn't need much of anything. Worst case scenario, we come back and gather things up. As we walked out of the bus and to Cash's van, Luke broke down. I gently picked him up and carried him to the van.

     "I'm so weak... Physically and mentally, I'm drained. I hate this so much." Luke bawled into my shoulder, clutching my shirt into his balled up fists. I rubbed his back as he cried.

     "We a couple more minutes buddy ok?" Cash told Luke, as he glanced back at him in the rear view mirror. Luke nodded and tightened his hold on me.

     "I'm so scared Michael..." He cried.

     "And you have every right to be, babe. I would be too, believe me." He looked up at me willing his eyes.

     "Really?" He looked so hopeful. Seeing him like this even brought a tear to my eye.

     "Of course. We are here for you Luke. No matter what happens, ok?" He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face into my chest. I felt a sad little wet spot forming on my shirt as I continued to rub his back. Ashton reached over and lovingly gripped his shoulder.

     "You'll be ok Luke. Everything will be ok. We will figure this out together. He is right we will stick by you every step of the way." Luke let go of me and then turned to Ash and repeated the same process with him. 'Poor baby' I caught myself thinking as I watched luke fall apart.

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #michael clifford #ashton irwin #emeto #calum 5sos #vomit sickfics #ashton 5sos #michael 5sos

[eyes-of-mischief]

weekly fic recs | 24

prompt: self-harm

fandoms: bnha, bsd, hq, mdzs, tgcf

bnha

I need to purge my urges (shame shame shame) by deesometimes

“Kid-“ Aizawa begins, his eyes are wide.

“It was an accident!” Izuku exclaims, louder than he intended.

better luck next time by nauticalwarrior

(explicit) (graphic depictions of violence, major character death)

As he falls, he lets himself think about it. He lets himself think that if he wakes up, if things go back again, it means that he does have a quirk. It means he really can take a swan dive off a roof and hope for better luck in his next life. It means that all along, he’s been useless and worthless because he hasn’t died yet.

He hits the ground.

And then he opens his eyes.

(vigilante!izuku AU where izuku has a quirk that rewinds time when he dies) (updates every other day most of the time!)

red threads by cassiopeia721

Izuku isn't blessed with a quirk, so it stands to reason that he wouldn't have a soulmate, either. Right?

Fate proves him wrong.

bsd

when you don't by nauticalwarrior

(mature)

You must learn to endure pain, Atsushi's headmaster tells him, over and over again, even though the man is no longer here.

Atsushi begins to inflict pain on himself, even though his ability does not allow the wounds to linger. He knows he'll be caught--it's only a matter of time, when he works for the Armed Detective Agency, but he can't stop himself. He does it anyway.

The Mind Can Be A Cryptic Place by moogah

Akutagawa's eyes are grey, until they aren't. Nothing is wrong, until it is.

Dazai doesn't feel, until he does. ...

How Dazai meets Atsushi and some of what came before.

haikyuu

run rabbit run by norio

Rule #1: Don't hurt Akaashi. Rule #2: Don't taint Akaashi. Rule #3: Don't involve Akaashi. Rule #4: Don't damage Akaashi. Rule #5 (optional): Try not to destroy yourself.

picking my head up, getting nowhere by orphan_account

(mature)

Oikawa only ever gives the bad and only ever takes the good, and he will never be able to forgive himself for it. (One-shot) Trigger warning for self-harm, depression and negativity—please read at your own risk. [Iwaoi]

won't you get up off, get up off the roof? by uaigneach

(mature)

Despite what many may say, Miya Atsumu wasn’t an idiot.

He heard the things people said about him. He knew what people thought. He’d read every single letter that had been slipped into his locker – and make no mistake, none of them had been confession letters like Osamu liked to joke about.

mdzs

Tempo Rubato by Spodumene

(explicit)

Tempo Rubato: Italian; Stolen Time; The musical practice of diverging from the unrelenting and gradual rhythm for a short period of time in a piece, allowing for solo freedom.

Lan Wangji starts high school in perfect step with the rhythm of his uncle's expectations and his duty to his family.

He doesn't quite stay that way.

tgcf

how to heal by parsnipit

When it comes to something like this, there are a few important steps:

First, Xie Lian makes sure that his husband is busy. Something like that makes it sound so terrible, but it’s not—it’s really not! It’s just that Hua Cheng can be overprotective, and if he saw this he would react poorly. Xie Lian would rather spare him that.

Second, Xie Lian puts Ruoye away. The poor thing never wants to go. He has to tie it somewhere safe and placate it with gentle touches and soothing words. Even so, it still lashes its ends and strains after him until he leaves the room. It will cling too tightly when he returns.

Third, Xie Lian goes somewhere quiet and familiar. It can be the armory, or their private baths, or even the shrine near Puqi Village. It is never their bedroom. It is never their cottage.

Fourth, Xie Lian draws his sword.

Fifthly, finally, Xie Lian takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and carves his own skin open.

so that i might love you by parsnipit

“Okay, San Lang, let’s talk,” Xie Lian says, and is proud of how steady his voice stays. “Tell me about the cuts.” “You talked to E-ming, didn’t you,” Hua Cheng says bleakly. “It only confirmed what I already suspected.” Xie Lian closes his eyes. “Can you tell me that those injuries aren’t from who I think they are?” “Dianxia is so clever.” Hua Cheng looks at him, and there is a sudden exhaustion written in the lines around his eye. “I could tell you they aren’t, but...this San Lang is tired of lying to his god.” Despite his suspicions, to hear it admitted so plainly from Hua Cheng’s own mouth feels like a fist to his heart. Xie Lian takes a deep, deep, deep breath. Calmly. Calmly and clearly. He has already done his crying. He is not going to freak out right now. He is not going to yell. He is not going to yell. He is not— “What were you thinking, Hua Cheng?!”

When E-ming is stolen and its curse activated by enemies, Xie Lian fully expects the chorus of pained howls he hears outside of Paradise Manor. What he does not expect is the multitude of raw, gaping wounds that split open along his husband’s skin.

#weekly fic recs #bnha fic recs #bsd fic recs #hq fic recs #mdzs fic recs #tgcf fic recs #prompt #self-harm #please please please be careful of tags