#also tldr this discourse is fucking dumb

[missycolorful]

I think I'll just say this: I don't agree when people call any of the islanders "bad parents" just because their parenting is flawed.

Like, parents and their parenting is flawed. Inherently. One parent cannot meet all the demands of their child; it is literally impossible. As humans are imperfect, there will always be something missing or lacking in one's parenting. Hell, sometimes even two parents can't meet all their child's needs, depending on their personalities. If that's the case, then I guess all parents are bad parents. But that's not the case, so I don't get why people are so adamant when they see that a parent isn't handling things 100% perfectly and go "wow this person's parenting sucks."

And this is even more so when you take into account... pretty much everything going on in Quesadilla island. These people never really planned to be parents, yet here they are! And this island is out to kill these kids, so it's also a dangerous game of survival now, too! There are horrors around pretty much every corner. Plus, outside or inside forces are making the islanders suffer very often. The islanders are never okay. How they take care of their children is going to be different just by the very basis of their environment. The standards of parenting are different here. Their relationships with people, including their children, were never going to be 100% healthy or positive or okay. It's just not possible.

so, no, I don't think that just cause, say, q!Tubbo or q!Phil aren't great in regards to their emotional intelligence and often isolate themselves, or when any other parents in general don't handle what their children are going through perfectly, that they're bad parents. That kinda statement feels like it diminishes pretty much all the hard work and effort and love they put into taking care of their kids and even kids that aren't their own. Tubbo gives his everything for Sunny, and was/is an active babysitter for a lot of other eggs. Phil works so hard to love and teach survival to and take care of his two eggs equally. (Like, being 'basically' a single parent, of one or WORSE, two, is already hard enough in the real world - imagine being one on this fucking hellscape they're on).

Like, I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out the parents' flaws. Their flaws make them human, and it'd be foolish to disregard their humanity. And it's interesting to analyze their flaws and what they say about the character, and how they impact their family. There's nuance there, and it should be discussed.

But I think when you're just going "oh, they're bad at parenting in general" because they fumble the bag in other departments lacks nuance. Sure, if you're just saying "they're bad when it comes to certain aspects of parenting," that's a different story, because that's understanding their flaws while recognizing that those flaws don't define all of their parenting. But to just say they're bad at it in general isn't productive analysis of their characters in any way. I haven't watched q!Phil take care of his egg for a whole year (followed by a second egg more consistently shortly after) only for people to shit on his parenting just because his lack emotional intelligence is more noticeable as of recent due to all the trauma and bullshit he's endured. And I haven't seen q!Tubbo put his whole heart into taking care of Sunny as well as multiple other eggs, being Chayanne and Tallulah's reliable godfather, just for people to put down his efforts because he's not always great at more emotionally in depth conversations. They're good parents in a lot of ways, and those strengths shouldn't be discredited just because they aren't good at other things. Their characters deserve way better than that.

tldr these parents are all good in many regards and are just trying their damn best in the worst of circumstances, can we cut them just a bit of slack, please?

#qsmp #fuck it i'm tagging the characters i mentioned #philza #tubbo #missy rambles #also tldr this discourse is fucking dumb #like jesus calling them bad parents feels like it's shitting on all the time they've spent on this damn island taking care of these kids #all cause they're bad at talking about feelings sometimes? give me a break

[shikai-the-storyteller]

I want to share what Quackity said during his Twitter Space today since it was in Spanish and I know most folks probably didn't catch it:

[ Link to the full translation ]

Quackity: Every day I fall more in love with [QSMP]. I love it. I love this project because it's pretty unique, and what's so cool about it is that many cultures are getting together and the communities are getting along. Growing up as a Latino, I had never seen so much representation, so I'm glad I can do that myself. I told my team that we need to have lots of communication with the creators. We're always talking to them to see if they need anything. We're proud of that! I've seen a lot of discourse about the Eggs. I wanna be clear about why the Eggs are part of the server: it's not about the Eggs, but about what they represent. They represent the communication between cultures and communities. The Egg dynamic has been an evolving thing that allows different cultures and communities to communicate because they have something in common.

It's not about giving the creators tasks! It's something to let people communicate. Believe me that the team is aware of the creators that aren't fond of this dynamic, but this has been something that allowed the creators to break certain barriers. This is why the Eggs have lasted so long. We keep adding more members, it's not like we just added some and that's it. We keep adding more members.

We know that some creators don't like the dynamic. Look at Étoiles, he doesn't give a fuck and he just minds his business! And that's something the creators can do!

We've already said that we're going to ban people who are being too intense [in the chat]. There are people from both extremes: those who love the eggs and those who hate them and keep saying "kill them!" So yeah, I've seen some discourse about it, so I wanted to talk about what it represents. I'm proud of this project and thank you to everyone for the support.

We know that there are always going to be intense people, but we also know that most people want to enjoy the content without arguing! The QSMP creators have already said we're going to ban people who are crying in the chat.

[ Here's a TLDR of the rest of the things he talked about: ]

Quackity said in the future, new dynamics will be implemented that are adapted to the type of content other creators make. It won't just be Egg stuff, there is much more coming.

He's going to try and go to Twitchcon Paris because Baghera, Etoiles, Kameto, and Antoine (and maybe Forever + some of the other Brazilians) will be there. Either way, Twitchcon Paris will definitely have a lot of QSMP creators meeting up!

Quackity says he's really hoping he can meet up with Roier again sometime because he misses him :(

On his private, he also said this:

TLDR: Trust Quackity and his team! They've proven time and time again that they listen to feedback and they're always looking out for the community and members of the server. If you see people being dumb or toxic, block them and move on, don't amplify their voices. Spread love, not hate.

#QSMP #Quackity #I want to keep people up to date on what's happening in the Spanish community #but that update I gave about Missa on ye old clips blog might've just frustrated people more than anything else so I apologize #It sucks seeing people be rude / mean to our streamers but most of the community here on tumblr DOESN'T need a reminder to be nice #In short: Don't worry about it #Quackity and his team are taking care of things. Trust him! #i talk #qsmp talk

[desudog-gone]

do you mind me asking why your blog says people who are anti proship won't like you? /gen

[Read the whole post if you read any of it, not @ the asker just @ everyone who cares abt this discourse. Bc I think all of it is important for the understanding.]

I don't believe in censorship of fiction basically.

[Long ramble under cut. Not aimed at u entirely, moreso so I can make this a FAQ response later]

Tldr: I have a very grey stance on an issue treated black and white, but I share more in common with proshippers than antis.

(I say both words with a bit of a rolled eye.)

(Essentally I'm anti-censorship and belive in the block button. Antis disagree with me, and while I am critical of some points some proshippers have, I agree with most points of proshippers/align with multiple of their beliefs, so if you hate them, chances are you'll hate me. Any discourser based on "person whos defined by hatred" is gonna dislike me, chances are.)

Because I read/play a lot of yaoi VN a lot of the stuff I like is also also often in line to be considered "irredeemable media"

Etc.

I bring a "if you don't like something, close the tab or block the artist." Vibe to the blog space that a lot of antis don't appreciate.

I used to consider myself an anti because I was forced to by an old friend group and the time I spent in the community was actually downright traumatizing and even if you're a picture perfect enforcer of harassment, people would treat u like shit.

I was just done with being treated with suspicion all the time, with being told openly by people I was "for now", knowing that I was walking a tight rope, and if I acted in a way they didn't like, if I engaged with a media they had even a sliver of reason to dislike, they'd throw me to the wolves.

I understand their talking points and when I actually sat around to think about it I realized how stupid everything I parroted was.

If you hate proshippers, you'll hate me, because I'm a firm believer in people being able to write whatever. I'm a firm believer that fiction shouldn't be censored but it should be accurately tagged/warned/otherwise disclaimered for if it contains commonly triggering content. Like how things work in the real world.

I was also always frustrated with the double standard of so many "antis". Once again, I know this issue FROM THE INSIDE. It's absolutely encouraged to be done as well. The idea that "the thing I like gets an excuse because I like it... but not your thing I think is cringe, even if they have the same issues." Its unspoken but entirely true

The anti community runs entirely off the idea of assuming the worst of every person ever. They give clearance to anyone who submits to them, and as long as they vaguely say they're "critical" of the thing they like. This causes antis to assume anyone who doesn't explicitly submit to them as being NOT critical of what they read/write etc, which is just an insane thing to do to what is mostly adults.

Antis also encourage the "ticking time bomb" mindset on other people that I despise.

Antis run off the idea that someone who hasn't hurt anyone should be punished for the crime they assume the person *could* commit.

I was treated like shit for being a babyfur even when I bent over backwards to justify myself to them and suck them off.

I honestly got fucking tired of it. I noticed one day, well actually after multiple days of deep thought, just how violent it all was. How much control was demanded over me, how everyone was literally waiting in anticipation to hurt me.

These days I don't label myself.

I think the whole discourse is dumb. I think taking a SUPER nuanced discussion, with MULTIPLE opinions in it, and saying "well you can only be one side of the pole. It's black and white only you can say no to everything, or yes to everything." Is just idiotic and a poor way to handle the situation.

I also don't label myself out of spite

I don't see any reason why I should have to fit other people's boxes even if I fit their definition.

My MO at the end of the day is "don't harass people just move on." And apparently that's the proship motto. So if you dont like "blocklist the tag idgaf" than you won't like me.

I'm a babyfur. I fucking play hadaka shitsuji. I think quadruped furries in nsfw is fine. I am far from the perfect image of an "anti"

Every day I get more and more comfortable with being morally impure in fiction. & I love it. Fuck evangelical style refusal of critical thinking. I'm never going back to being that scared again.

I encourage people to be mindful of the things they write but never in a million years would i think enforcing actual censorship on fiction is a good course of action and ESPECIALLY not while an ACTUAL BOOK BAN is happening in my country.

Also in the state of any kind of nsfw etc...

My fiction is not a person, IM a person, and an adult. This doesn't mean I control the consent of every character it means I AM THE CONSENT of every character. My consent to the media I make is the only consent that is real. Everything else is fantasy.

If it was 2 people, and we roleplayed characters, we said face to face we consented, it was fantasy- fake, this would be okay, right? It's safe between two adults, it's between 2 consenting adults.

When it's one person making fiction, it's the same thing. I am the ONLY PERSON in the situation. There are fake characters doing fake actions which I all consent to.

"What if your art is used to make other ppl thing bad things are okay?"

Was not, has not, will never be the fault of the artist. Predators will always find a way. This is literally repeated from other people in the past who want to censor writing. The freedom of art is more important than the potential of someone who could use anything else to hurt someone being shut down. Even if all art deemed 'bad' was destroyed, predators would find a way. It's shifting the blame. You'd think with all the glorified murder in the world we'd have more slashers dressing up in the skin of humans or something, right?

"But anyone who wants to write about those things are clearly abusers in wait!"

Once again, the ticking timebomb approach is heartless. First of all- no it doesn't say anything about their character. TWO, so fucking what? Literally anyone in the world can be an abuser. Anyone in the world can go, "huh today I'm gonna rape someone" or something! Anyone! But until someone does something, you can't claim they're actually hurting people. Everyone has the potential to hurt someone. It's taking people in the worst faith possible, it's heartless and inhuman. Nobody is made an abuser by birth, thought crimes aren't crimes. Actions are what matters. And until someone acts? You have no reason to pretend you're a fucking time traveler or psychic who will "know" that someones an offender. The slippery slope speaks for itself.

"But writing real people doing bad t-"

Didn't say real people I said fictional characters.

"But Ao3-"

Don't use the site. Frankly don't care. I'm not big on fanfic I just think people should be allowed to write their fiction without being suppressed.

This isn't even getting started on how western the whole thing is and the issues with racism, and recent clashes with ENG fandom vs JPN fandom, etc.

[berlinini]

(Started this as an ask for @seasurfacefullofclouds1 to give my two cents on the ~ leak as promo ~ discourse, but it's too long so I'm making it a stand-alone post.)

A few days ago I attended a panel with a very knowledgeable entertainment lawyer from Toronto, whose opinion and expertise I trust way more than whomever on stan twitter is saying leaking songs and albums are a good way to ramp up promo for an artist. She said album leaks are a huge concern for labels: the success of an album basically rests on how good it does the first day of its release, and then the first week. There's a momentum and, I quote indirectly, that momentum is money. The labels care about money (breaking news: that's the main thing they care about!), they know that a song or an album that leaks = money lost.

There is no way a label or an artist will leak the work on purpose knowing it will break the momentum of the release (esp when such release includes more than the music itself: promo, interviews, tv appearances, etc. etc. which all cost so much money and have to be careful planned ramping up to release day). At this point it's self-sabotage to say "hey let's put this song on the Internet, it'll get people talking!"

It's becoming harder and harder to keep everything under wrap before the official release because album formats have multiplied, and with that the chance that someone somewhere will fuck up - we've seen it with Amazon for Louis. Beyoncé's Renaissance was "leaked" because a CD store in Germany put up the album for sale before the release date, by accident. And with Internet, it spread and made the news. However, Beyoncé is at a point where this kind of mistake won't ruin her album's performance, nor her promo. Apart from her most devouted fans, people will wait to access the album in a convenient way - which means nowadays when it drops on the streaming platforms. Of all the people who read the news about Renaissance leaking, how many googled it to listen to the songs? I assume most people thought it sucked and moved on - there was no PR done around (though in this case it's 100% certain it was an unforeesable human mistake and never could've been a ruse from the label to create buzz around the album).

Anyways, this brings me to my second point, that is leaks of any kind are for people who truly care. Casual fans usually will not find out about it unless it makes the headlines. So what would be the purpose of ruining fans' anticipation and excitement by releasing information or songs this way? Everyone would have preferred to find out LT2's release date another way - by a proper announcement.

I also think that's it's possible for leaks to be intentional on the artist or label's part only if they know that the fans will buy/stream the album anyway when it is officially released. It wouldn't affect the charts. In most cases a full blown out promo is also planned for the album. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case for HS3 - the entire album leaked, but with dedicated fans such as harries and larries, Sony didn't have to stress about the performance of the album once it was released.

So tldr: if you think artists and/or labels leak songs and albums on purpose as a promo tactic, you're dumb.

#there's a point somewere in there lol #but there's a lot of rambling too #lt2 leak #music industry #lt2 #louis getting proper promo au #louis promo

[mangora]

Elaborating on my last post I just, feel like anti vs pro discourse is dumb, especially because there’s like no irl equivalent it’s purely online and the labels can also mean so many different things. Like I’m pro writing about dark topics, but not pro fetishizing them. You can write wtv fiction is a way to explore ideas we wouldn’t want to necessarily irl, but we still have monkey brain curiosity and it’s way safer. However you can definitely still look at like, people writing fluffy incest fic and be like “oh this is not handled well and fucking creepy and objectively not how you should treat this topic”. Proshippers can be like “I just multi ship” or “I want this guy to bang a toddler” and it’s so wild. And I guess you can argue regardless it’s fiction so no kids are hurt, but idk it still feels super weird to condone it in fiction like why would you want to see this stuff from a positive angle. Especially when real kids, abuse victims, etc will see what you’re doing and be uncomfortable. But also I can’t get down with saying I’m an “anti”. Like yeah I’m against fucking, shipping kids and adults, weird gross icky bad yuck etc it’s fucked up. But also I don’t want to be like “if you find an unhealthy relationship in fiction interesting you are inherently evil” because not all unhealthy relationships in fiction are meant to be romanticized and used as pornography the way so many “proshippers” treat it as. Like if you found Will and Hannibal’s relationship interesting I think that’s fine. When it becomes morally weird is when you start going “I love this fic where Hannibal fucking beats Will with hammers it’s so romantic and I will expose people who have been beat with hammers to it on purpose and I want to beat up people with hammers irl but I won’t do I just use the fictional hammer beating to silently encourage my mindset instead of getting irl help”. Overall, both of you are fucking terminally online. But, I feel more comfortable aligning myself with people who have weird views on me including abuse in general in my stories because it’s bad even though I’m writing it to be bad in a way people can’t jerk it to, over people who draw porn of two kids from a cartoon boning with obviously realistic childlike anatomy because one of you wants to help people and one of you obviously has some unhealthy attraction to kids, and I guess it’s not as bad as touching real kids but that’s a low bar, and maybe you’re traumatized and “coping” but that’s not an excuse and not all coping mechanisms are healthy and this is one that definitely isn’t. Idk TLDR I’m not pro or anti but when you identify with proshipping and write weird incest porn I feel comfortable saying “don’t interact with me if you are like this guy”. Also get off the Internet, get help, and learn basic reading comprehension. Heart, smile, etc. I’m going to go back to autism ranting about total drama now

#not td related #tw proship #tw mentions of -> #abuse #trauma #I can’t tag the p word but it’s there too #Alex epic opinion time

[personuhh]

#the kicker is im both at the same time #yosuke hanamura #genuinely do think theres an important convo to be had about a lot of these topics LMAO but also projecting is how we do things in this hous #the stupidass take abt shipping kanji and yosuke is one ive heard a LOT though and im like??????? you are just dumb. nothing to be said #yosuke being dumb and lashing out at kanji because he's scared does not mean they're like... enemies or some shit #but yeah the beauty pageant is shit and i do think the way a lot of the fandom fetishizes it is REALLY gross #but also yosuke is SO Gender (tm) in that outfit i just. i love it despite all that #the homophobic bully discourse is VERY common and i cannot express how stupid i find that argument bc like #a) he is not and never will be a 'bully' to anyone #b) internalized homophobia sucks major ass and as someone whos been through it #yeah! you can be a dumbass and say hurtful shit because youre scared #but not everyones coming out story is all sunshine and rainbows and i think that its important to acknowledge that #ofc in media its an issue that its a common trope #but yosuke isnt just a trope hes so much more than that and i think thats why so many gay kids have latched onto him #tldr this shit is a DELICATE discussion and im a little of both where im tired of justifying how i feel and why i like things #but also just........ fuck you atlus #im gonna criticize you until im old and grey lmao #ada speaks

[astroninaaa]

This ones gonna be hot so prepare yourself. The whole apologist/critical thing is dumb. It’s easily one of the worst things about this fandom. I’ll try to explain myself so the whole “omg your a dream apologist he’s abusive!!!” thing gets on my nerves. A. This is a block game roleplay (yes this story dealswith big themes but bully a person cause they have a dumb little theory on why dreams a good guy?) B. Morals don’t exist in this server Phil, techno,wilbur,ranboo have all done same LostWords

i agree with the main message of this but i fundamentally disagree with some of its points so okay okay

i agree that apologist/critical discourse is stupid. for one, people can decide to enjoy entertainment however they want, and that includes enjoying it without caring about analysis and problematic behavior coming from the characters. hell, when i was still a the 100 blog i constantly talked about john murphy being my favorite character no matter how fucked up he was- because i just enjoyed watching him. i think it's fair for people to enjoy c!dream or c!techno or whatever other villain. it's just a character, and liking them as a viewer doesn't mean said viewer would be supportive/apologetic of their actions in real life. people who go straight to bullying and get genuinely mad or aggressive towards others because of stuff like that are just- out of their fucking mind like calm the FUCK down, it's not that serious. if you're not willing to have civil interactions with people you disagree with, it's easier to just not fucking interact at all with opinions that go against your own (shit like this is why proper tagging is important but i'm not getting into that), bc bullying and hate are both immature and unproductive. so yes, i completely agree with your main point there.

i think people have the right to analyze the hell out of the smp. it does deal with heavy themes, as you said yourself, and i think it's completely valid and coherent for people to take it seriously. i think it's okay for people to get mad at c!dream or c!techno apologism, for example. i don't condone or agree with sending hate to people bc of shit like this, specially because, as you said, at the end of it all it's just a block game, but... people can have conflicting opinions and healthy debate is always constructive. besides, i don't think there's anything wrong on calling out people who seriously argue that c!tommy deserved the abuse bc he was annoying or such, like has been discussed many times before. at the same time, there's nothing wrong with speculating that c!dream is actually a good guy that made bad decisions. it's all a matter of opinion and analysis and both of those things can be and usually are incredibly subjective.

saying morals don't exist in the server is... debatable. while we don't have any character that is actually moral and everything is really morally grey, the theme of morality is widely relevant to the story, and talking about it is completely fair. the fact all characters have been/are immoral or morally questionable doesn't mean viewers and theorists and people who do analysis can't criticize/be apologetic/discuss one or other character's morality. the fact c!techno has fucked up morals doesn't mean i can't call out c!ranboo's fucked up morals, for these things aren't necessarily connected to each other.

so, basically, tldr: bullying and sending hate to people just because they disagree with your opinions on fucking minecraft roleplay is ridiculous, dumb, and embarrassing, but taking the heavy themes presented by that minecraft roleplay seriously and discussing them in a healthy and productive way is valid and constructive. morals in the smp are gray and questionable at all times, but morality is still one of the story's main themes and bringing it up/debating it and its affect on the characters can also be valid and constructive, if done in a civil manner.

send me a hot take!!!

#hot take ask!!! #dsmp #dream smp #dsmp analysis #dream smp analysis #this is a good one so i'm MAIN TAGGING IDC #i think this is an important discussion in this fandom yep #tommyinnit #dream #technoblade #ranboo #(all mentioned)

[wickedpact]

[i cut out your question bc that was a topic of Discourse several months ago & im not gonna reignite and/or participate in it bc... it seemed kind of dumb. but to answer your question, he doesnt usually have a completely flat stomach (not even in the movie if you look close enough). ive seen people point it out bc they think its cute (which i have no problem with), but if its being pointed out to insult him thats fucked up. and if youre referring to that specific wording, id have to know the context to know whether id be annoyed by it. tldr: theyre not completely wrong but id have to see the context. its nothing to mock the guy over tho, thats not okay]

re: joe HELL YEAH i was thinking more physical types of mutism rather than psychological (due to injury/illness as a child, like straight up aphonia)

(i thought of it partially bc of that whole ‘'would immortals 'heal' pre-immortality conditions like iron deficiencies’' conversation a couple days ago)

also theres A Huge Market for ‘nicky pining after joe but being unable to express how he feels’ trope in this fandom and i like the idea of the reversal of that. like joe 100% knows how to say how he feels but he cant actually say it. so he has to find alternate ways to confess to nicky. & nicky is such a good read of people & is obviously pretty thoughtful and i love the idea of the two of them adapting/learning to communicate without speech through the years

#i dont know how many times in this fandom ive been POSSESSED to write a fic but then was cockblocked by all the research id have to do #selectively mute joe tho #MUCH to think abt tbh

[shoezuki]

Do u understand the new dream drama??? I am confusion

Whoop sorry i been doin fuckery n hw All day n like. I still aint able to get on my computer rn but im gon give u a tldr without sources because lazee

I know Practically all a it beyond maybe like. Exact time frames n shit. So ill give u the runnerup to all this

John swan is a commentary youtuber w like. A devent following. I think around 200k? He definitely had 'fans' n an audience for all this n crap

At some point i believe a year ago (idk exactly How Long ago but john swan had like 6k subs on yt) dream n john swan Converged and knew each other. Whether they were friends or not im unsure. But thats not exactly relevant

But essentially john swan on discord made his account out to look like dream and messaged at LEAST one person pretending to be dream, saying slurs like the n word, horrible shit, n something about coding a 'sex mod' ??? Pointing that one out specifically cuz it has become a whole goof

This person Relayed this info to dream who confronted john swan about it. John swan essentially said 'i havent been on discord in a few days. My discord login info was on a family friends computer and a 12 yo i know did all that'

This kinda like. I dont think anything happened While it was jus happening. But at some point a bit over a week ago now, dream made a reddit post saying such about john swan, that he was 'a suspicious guy' and such things on a smaller subreddit. John swan himself screenshotted it and brought it up on twitter that dream 'has a large audience' and defamation of his character can do a Lot of damage to him, and that he was lying

Imma speedrun this cuz its gotten to kinda like. Jus twitter beef. Its essentially 'im not lying YOURE lying' between john swan n dream on twitter. There was some drama alert shit, dream's whole 'detective' stream, john swan made some 18 page length Thing i couldnt be bothered to read.

Dream's arguments the whole time like. Objectively were better and jus more understandable. Made more sense. Although some things Couldve been poked through if john swan replied well enough. For instance one point dream made about it Absolutely being john swan was that the messages sent by this '12 year old' used similar speech patterns n terminology. Which Cam be solid evidence but for some fuckin reason all ppl w followings on twitter type n text like they eat cardboard in their free time like. The blandest ass shit. Whatever

BUT it came to some kind of 'end' today because apparently some Absolute no argument Evidence came out against john swan which hadnt been revealed publically as far as i seen. John swan First admitted to it in dms with friends n other commentary yters who'd made videos n shit on the whole bullshit. Dream tweeted bout it too a thread of like how 'he and the community deserve an apology' but he didnt think itd happen.

The john swan made a tweet w an apology that was essentially. 'Yeah it was me me and a friend were messing around on discord when i had a small following and i hadnt thought it was a big deal but once dream found out and confronted me i lied and continued lying im sorry'

All around its jus wack n like. Dumb as all fuck. Like yes in a 'discourse sucks' way but also in My way that this is No Fun. Like not even that juicy drama i live for. What COULD be actually important (john swan basically admitted to using the n word???) Just Doesnt get mentioned. Wack

#discourse #hope this makes sense #another commentary dude whos p chill and said somethin bout it #more on like. john's Apology n shit #is omni i cant grab a link rn but its the first part of todays vid

[phantom-of-the-keurig]

if you don’t want people asking about it, I completely understand, feel free to ignore this ask but I recently go back on tumblr after like a 2-3 year break and as someone who followed for phantom stuff but stayed for that good good clone content, I have to ask. What happened in the poto fandom that made you leave? I’m so far out of the loop in regards to it nowadays since almost everyone is deactivated now and I’m just curious as to what went down. Love your blog and here’s to hoping Cody gets the spotlight he deserves in the Kenobi series, cheers!

I don’t mind talking about it anon, no worries. I will throw out a quick TW for mentions of mental health and suicidal thoughts.

I don’t think there was any one incident, it was more of a gradual build up that eventually just became so much I no longer cared about the source material anymore and found the community exhausting and toxic.

I think the biggest issue was how small of a community the phantom fandom is, and also, how old it is. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of awesome, wonderful, extremely kind phantom fans. But unfortunately there is also quite a few long term jaded fans that have been around since Michael Crawford was a mere sperm in his father’s loins and that kind of goes to their head. Plus there were your typical toxic fans that linger in any fandom. With the community being so small, even blocking these people did nothing because they would still end up on your dash. And you had to watch all your mutuals interact with these people and worship the ground they walked on.

Being in the phantom fandom was extremely bad for my mental health overall. I had some really nasty experiences with people, including being essentially doxxed and having what I thought were close friends turn on me and threaten to expose my real name online (I have an extremely unique first name and it would be more than easy to find me if you knew it), and yet I was expected to act as if these things were not happening and keep everything hush hush for the sake of peace. I guess part of that is my fault, because I’m not very smart and am really awful at putting things into words so when I would try to explain things or talk about keeping the community positive I just made things worse. My dumb ass was no match against these part time literary scholars. Or the anons.

I remember once making a post explaining how I had a hard day at work after having a dog bleed out on me after being shot, and that was why I came to tumblr to just relax and escape life and didn’t want to get into debates about fictional characters because I was just here for fun. Someone made a vague post about me after, making fun of me and essentially calling me a big baby. I don’t remember the details, but I remember how much it hurt like that I can remember so clearly. I felt like an idiot.

I was young when I joined the poto fandom, like 17 or 18. I was young and just wanted to fit in. Eventually I felt like an outsider in the community and no longer felt welcomed. Mix that on top of the doxxing and overall craziness of discourse and I went to a really scary place. But I stuck around, because things calmed down and it wasn’t like anyone wanted anything to do with me so I was mostly ignored. I’m 23 now, almost 24, and sometime last year I realized I just don’t give a shit about these people (the toxic, snobby ones) or trying to fit in with them anymore. Like I genuinely don’t give a fuck about discourse, or the meta of a fictional character and what makes this or that problematic about them. Like I don’t have the energy to care.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i dunno if any of that made sense, it’s 7 am and I’m rambling. I guess the TLDR is I stopped caring about stupid stuff and that’s why I now have the attitude of just being in a fandom for fun. If I don’t like something now I either ignore it and let people enjoy what they want or I block and move on. I just try not to engage with serious discourse or meta bs because it just ain’t worth it to me.

#tw: mental health #tw: sui mention #poto #reply

[hardskz]

important??? please read???

hi fellas i’m back a day earlier than initially planned bc my dumb ass forgot that i had to update something on my sideblog so might as well address a few things on main again ahahaha but anyhow im gonna keep it short for those who don’t wanna bother reading the longwinded elaboration 

TLDR; I UPDATED THE NAVIGATION POST AND DROPPED THE DOM TAKEOVER CONCEPT SO YEAH HI PLS RESPECT THAT AND UH PLS IF YOU TALK SKZ NSFW DISCOURSE W ME PLEASE BE 16+ K THX BUT ANYHOW SKIM THRU THE LAST 2 SECTIONS REGARDLESS PLEASE

bc i dont wanna make this pinned post too long and spam the dash, if u wanna know more details abt why i dropped the dom thingy and see what i do still accept to a certain degree (and a wip or 2), feel free to look under the cut!

also uh sorry i dont think i’ll be able to drop a fic on my bday bc it’s a massive thing i’m intending to finish and i might branch out and maybe start writing fics with actual plot and little to no porn so yeah just a warning

okay so. the dom takeover thing. i dont even know how on earth it escalated to that extent and tbh, i was overwhelmed for 3 days straight which led me to setting the boundaries. but now after clearing my head completely, i realized that looking back it it really is fucking embarrassing to me that i was having a meltdown and showing my vulnerabilities to this extent. also, it was borderline a pain to my eyes when i reread those asks. i like the concept, it’s fun, but it leaves a bitter aftertaste behind which is why im taking it off completely. so yeah ahahah sorry about that

however, that doesn’t mean you have to cease all interaction that directly addresses me. teasing for fun is fine but yeah if i sense that an ask is going to spiral out into something beyond playful teasing i wont respond

alternatively, discord is always there lmao im available there for casual talks too!! yeah that’s pretty much my stance on the entire thing bc y’know, in the end this i’m a one woman army running this blog and need to feel safe in this too <3

to clarify, nobody pushed me to make this decision. i sat down and pondered about it for a few days alright. i know what i’m doing in this situation.

#pg.lulu

[nezumasa]

t-tell us more about your lucifer simping pwease

I am like...legally required to like all Lucifers in the franchise or else I explode like a piñata at a child’s birthday party.

TLDR for serious answer and not simping: Lucifer is awful and pretty much the worse choice sometimes, or close to outside of the “youre stuck alone in a dying world” endings, even if he makes his side appealing for the player. I like that charm and horribleness. He’s not all bad (since it often comes down to viewpoint) but like...it’s smt choices, none of these are purely good. Also every single relationship with him is awful outside of one or two and that depends on viewpoint (ex. SMTII unless I’m misremembering)

TLDR for simping: he hits every note for me and is a goldmine for psychological horror, manipulation tropes, and fuckery and he’s Scrodinger’s problematic in Nocturne. And Old Man in a Wheelchair is astoundingly uh, well-designed. Also any ship with him would be awful by default except for like one or two. Especially Demifiend/Lucifer which makes it fun, especially if it’s made worse.

Not TLDR:

But he’s like...this dude sucks a lot and he’s straight up awful and actually the worse decision you can take sometimes imo (even as a primarily Chaos player) but he’s so charming at times that I can’t help but like him. I have like a 5000 word essay version buried somewhere but that’s not the simping (unless that was the version you were looking for?). That’s too serious to be simping.

It’s like...every single relationship with Lucifer is a transaction or deal (often made to look appealing to the player but actually really bad for everyone except Lucifer), and that’s great. He isn’t some pure, misunderstood martyr fighting against a greater power like some modern takes.

He’s arguaby as bad as or worse than Law (Nocturne’s True Demon example since the entire place goes down but it’s great if one likes indivudualism at the cost of everything else; it’s good for me since Naoki essentially both gives up what makes him unique, humanity and the ability to change, and gains a uniqueness in return/uses that uniqueness to essentially fuck shit up for everyone else under the poorly picked understanding that Lucifer might not throw him out afterwards or if he becomes too much a nuisance).

But on the simping, I just think he’s fun and attractive, and I could rate all or most versions of him on how much I like them by appearance, asshole level, and charm.

But I’m also like...plain bread and like Nocturne’s best because I think the old man and child form are great b/c it’s like alongside the actual serious thoughts, he’s Scrodinger’s problematic in what you can write/draw of him. Is it bad because he’s sometimes a fictional youth in appearance or is it bad because he’s an old man? Or ya know, the actual important part where he essentially manipulates Naoki into doing his bidding and killing an unfathomable amount of people by disrupting the cycle?

I’m just petty and like to do most things when people tell me I can’t in fiction honestly.

But it’s like...every single relationship (more or less) is going to end badly and I think it’s fascinating and an underutilized aspect when it comes to fic. i mean SMT isn’t rife w/ fic (and I kinda dread what happens when Nocturne’s remaster and SMTIV comes out b/c while new fans are cool, a lot of my fandoms are currently rife w/ doxxers and dumb discourse b/c of resurgences) but it’s like...this man is like a goldmine for psycholgical horror, morally grey and awful relationships, and just general fuckery.

And I guess I’m also biased because I like Demifiend/Lucifer a lot b/c it’s equivalent of stepping on a landmine. Like it would not be anything happy unless you welded it to an extreme AU. And even then, what’s the point? The appeal of it is that it’s awful in almost every aspect. If you AU it, make it worse.

Though I do need to write more of that honestly...I only own one of those fics on AO3, but no time...

I forgot what my point was honestly. I can have like actual thoughts but its like...I gotta do a lore refresher first.

#like...could old man in a wheelchair get it? he can! #once because i think he would end me afterwards #the female one can to and so can Raidou’s just b/c of his hat #*too #what a nice hat #and helel b/c I’m cliche and think he’s cute #and probably like the rest of them except maybe the smt iv one b/c that one pushes how much I can tolerate #theres only one character i think can even have a decent relationship w/ him #and its SMTII’s protsgonist unless im misrembering #my lore is shoddy rn b/c Ive been splurging on writing for Pokemon #i want to do a horror AU in the style of Hamlet where Naoki jjst gets straight up gaslit and #its just a steady progression and question of whether Lucifer is as he appears or is actually Not A Little Boy (ie. monstrous in all things

[lesbianologist]

In a piece about Marsha, who’s name is synonymous with the stonewall riots at this point in time, excluding lesbians is just dumb. Asexuals were not a part of that movement, and didn’t even join the community until the 2000s. Where as lesbians played a large role in the riots along side their trans, gay, and bisexual peers. It’s just whack

a large role? no no no. a pivotal, black lesbian role, sweetheart.

stormé delarverie, a black butch lesbian and drag king, as well as highly regarded MC, singer, bouncer, bodyguard, and widely known as the “guardian of the lesbians in the village” did not get beaten by a bunch of cops at stonewall the night of the uprising for y’all to erase her identity because of ApHoBiA. it’s almost as if y’all prioritize non-lgbt people (yes, you heard me fucking correctly) over actual lgbt people in the movement. kudos to people including marsha because she deserves to be recognized because she was influential. but so was sylvia rivera and so was stormé delarverie. stormé is widely accredited with being the person who incited the uprising that night because she was being beaten by cops during the raid and said “why don’t you guys do something?” to the bystanders. who did. she is also widely accredited with having thrown the first punch at a cop during that night.

discourse aside, erasing any symbols of lesbians erases lesbians like stormé delarverie and many other black lesbians who were side-by-side with marsha and sylvia. but erasing symbols for cis aro heterosexuals and cis heteromantic aces is just outright repugnant. those people are not lgbt. they are still not killed for their identity in the 13 countries that persecute SGA and TRANS individuals TO THIS DAY. i can’t go to some of those countries because not only is it illegal, in some, it’s punishable by death. me being me is punishable by death, still. let it sink in.

tldr if you’re prioritizing cishets over lgbt folks you aren’t a fucking ally. you’re homophobic/transphobic and i want nothing to do with you.

#answered #i hope if you think cishets are lgbt that you aren’t following me #i prioritize SGA and TRANS folks on this account #yes that includes ANY sga folks - bi/pan/omni/etc #yes that includes ANY nb/gnc folks - agender/bigender/genderqueer/etc #stormé delarverie

[tropicalfreckles]

ahhh here we go

slight tw related to p*dophilia

@ other adults that steered away from fandoms for years cause of the stupid shit we dealt with as teens back in the mid to late 2000s and as young adults in the early 2010s. Some times I see shit that makes me want to step back into a fandom I’m admiring from afar cause I just get so ticked some times at how disgusting people can be at folks having harmless safe fun and ESPECIALLY in mixed age fandoms when adults step way too goddamn close into minors safe spaces with their shitty creepy ships or some stuff like that (like incest ships or minor/adult ships(fucking p*do ships)). This is also kind of related to the beetlejuice fandom cause I’ve been seeing a lot of discourse I didn’t know that it had.

I’m gonna own up to this shit cause it’s problematic and I deleted anything and everything I ever had related to it. I stupidly shipped a minor/adult ship when I was in my middish twenties and it still makes me gag and feel super stupid and embarrassed. If y’all have been following me for a while, you should know it was from K*K and I am so glad I realized like 2 years after stupidly shipping it how wrong that was. Anime some times desensitizes people and my stupid ass definitely got that. I ain’t ever doing that again cause it’s wrong. I wanted to get that out of the way first off cause I’m willing to own up to my stupid shit. One thing I will say is I never stepped into minor spaces about this or talked with anyone outside of my friend about my ship. I stupidly shipped this because the characters reminded me of a friend and mine’s ocs, which is dumb cause our ocs are the same age as each other and adults. I should be happy with what we have and not project crap.

Anyways backtracking I bring this up because I know there are people out there that know deep down it’s wrong and y’all can change from shipping creepy shit if you really think on it and how it can be harmful to minors who end up seeing it and feeling uncomfy. I know I saw a lot of stuff as a minor that made me disgusted and uncomfortable and it stuck with me (s*ilor m**n porn when I was like 12/13 was one of it and oh boy I saw some of the harder shit and it made me steer clear from sites that weren’t n*opets for a while) and also ya know it’s fucking creepy. Doesn’t matter if it’s fictional. Fictional can affect reality I’ve heard of plenty of stories that make me so sad of people using fiction to groom children.

Talking about this is once again related to adults using their creepy shit and trying to throw it in minors faces and making them uncomfortable or going after them for not liking their ship, etc, etc, not liking their takes and shit.

Why did fandoms become so fucking violent and toxic? It’s a goddamn shame and it’s why I stay out of it mostly. But I am so close to snapping some times at other adults because they need to stay in their fucking lane and let minors have safe spaces. I wish I had someone looking out for me when I was a minor. I probably wouldn’t have done as much stupid shit as I did. Or engaged with adults in heated debates, either.

tldr; respect minors, try to be kinder and DO NOT come at them if you disagree with them, let them fucking learn and grow on their own as well. Do not make them uncomfortable, do not try forcing your ideals on a stranger who is a fucking kid or teen. Let it be. Be mindful of your age and how your mental thinking is gonna be way different from a kids. Please get your heads out of your asses.

EDIT: Big ol’ side note that death threats and suicide baiting is super wrong. Don't do that. EDIT 2: Also other side note that we don’t need to infantilize minors, being condescending isn’t very helpful either.

#discourse #your gal tropi's gonna flip someone's bricks swear to fucking lord

[wakasagayhime]

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult. 

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly.  but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after. 

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.  

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their  circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear  in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017.  the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame. 

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day. 

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself. 

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you. 

#glub glub #suicide // #self harm // #disordered eating // #rape //

[positivelgbtqvibes]

I'm getting so exhausted from finding out that the blogs I follow and reblog from have done things to cause discourse

Listen everyone, sometimes people say or reblog things that they think is right but isn't, mainly due to being oblivious to the bad intent behind it.

Yes this is aimed towards FYeahAsexual and Gaud, don't blame me of I reblog something of theirs but they happen to be involved in some kind of drama. I'm not involved in that, I stand for what's right, and currently I don't know which side I should be on. I'm pretty sure a lot of people are.

No I'm not Lesbian, and no I hadn't heard about V*spider before the discourse

Right now we need to listen to Lesbian ppl because if they are saying that the whole "Dumb lesbian" thing isn't okay then we need to take their word, as non lesbians we don't have a say in what's lesbephobic, okay? Lesbians aren't useless, they are capable of so many things.

I am not justifying any actions here, I'm giving my point of view on this.

If we can find a way to tackle this discourse instead of attacking one another, then maybe we could have more trust.

Also we're a fucking community !!! Stop attacking each other, y'all talk about how you love your fellow LGBTQ+ siblings but still exclude ppl, or police someone's gender/sexuality/romanticism, or even think it's okay to decide what's a slur and what's not.

If Lesbians are telling us non lesbians that calling them useless and dumb is bad, then it's fucking bad okay?

I have nothing to really add about V*spider. But don't come and attack me I slip up, im doing my best for this community.

It's evident from my posts that I do try and stay on the best side of things, even if the best side can seem like the worst side. Or vice versa.

TLDR: Lesbians aren't useless, they are capable, I don't know shit about V*spider, stop the hatred between the community and please believe I'm a decent person who is trying.

#lgbt #lgbtq #asexual #lgbtq community #lgbtqia #transgender #genderfluid #lgbtqipa #agender #aromantic #bisexual #demi boy #demi girl #gay #lesbian #neutrois #non-binary #trans #pansexual #greyromantic #greysexual #discourse #lgbt discourse #tw discourse #lesbian discourse #fuckyeahasexual #gaudiest-patronus #vaspider