#and I can't focus anymore

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Me: I have a few FitPac ideas but I don't think I've written that much.

The document:

#The joke here is that this is only one of two documents I have compiling my stuff for them #WAIT NO. THREE. THREE DOCUMENTS #I forgot I had a new idea and pulled up a new document to write in a frenzy #I'm really bad about posting 'ficlets' or things that I don't think are polished 100% #so of this MAYBE I'll wind up with a ~5000 word piece after writing 20000 words or so #I write a lot but only like 5% of what I write ever sees the light of day #I'm still working on the structure rn for the current one and that's always the hardest part #This might wind up being a 5 times or whatever fic because there are too many similar things I want to write but all in a different light #but not different enough to be their own thing #idk I'm tired and stressed rn so I'm dropping this into Word TTS so I can hear it be read back to me while I try to chill & sleep #agh. #i talk #fic talk #qsmp talk #I never write in Word anymore I write in docs now since 90% of my writing these days is on mobile #I just never have time to write #and I can't focus anymore

[gayvecchio]

#due south #ray vecchio #benton fraser #fraser/vecchio #ds30below #the way fraser pauses to take a breath take it all in. AND HIS SMILE! #and ray's face!!! the way the weight of it settles on his expression. the way it gradually hits him that it's real. he's home #fraser is actually standing right in front of him. it's really over - he doesn't have to pretend anymore. #and he looks on the verge of happy tears. my heart! #david marciano i love you and your expressive face. ACTING #(rayk i love you too i do but i can't help but hold smidge of resentment that you pulled focus from the fv reunion hug) #I deserved to see it full screen in all it's glory. I DESERVED IT!!! #i need help

[summerfrwrks]

guess who dipped back real quick in lore olympus:

#daphne and thanatos are okay now so i dropped the whole thing content then BOOM spoilers on psyche and eros then BOOM THIS I HAD TO GO BACK- #lore olympus #lo hephaestus #lo aphrodite #hephaestus x aphrodite #rosa diaz meme #brooklyn nine-nine meme #i was legit alright with ares and aphrodite at the start but he just became a bigger idiot dumpster fire and since it is greek mythology #i expected hephaestus and aphrodite to marry BUT i didn't expect they'll be this cute okay i have feelings about them #like i absolutely adore daphne and thanatos plus i also love psyche and eros #NOW IT'S THEM AND I WANT TO CRY #cause i know for sure the focus is always gonna be on hade and persephone which #okay i get it but rachel it's okay we can rotate on different couples #[insert an image of me begging for hera and hades crumbs cause i have accumulated so much angst in my head about them i desperately need #more context about their past i can't keep going like this anymore] #[now add me being thirsty for more hephaestus and aphrodite content] #summer.txt #smmrdts #smmrdts: ships #smmrdts: lore olympus

[teplejtrouba]

my psychiatrist confirmed that i am in fact autistic

#all of my friends were like 'no really?!!! i had no idea“ listen i know we all know but i wanted to know For Sure #she's very 'aspergers' and 'you're going to learn how to make eye contact' about it because czech psychiatry is... well #but overall the other stuff she said checks out and im happy I don't have to live in constant self doubt anymore #now she's not completely sure i have adhd tho because my attention is mostly normal according to tests #but she's also not opposed to me having both like it's definitely still possible she just wants to focus on mainly treating my anxiety rn #she was like 'so it would make sense that you're living in social isolation' #me with most friends I've ever had in my entire life: :-) #i was like 'no i have friends they just all have adhd or autism too' #i mean i am still socially isolated. i oftentimes feel like other people are living behind a glass wall and i can't reach them #but i took it literally in the 'you are alone and no one talks to you' sense #anyway #i am disappointed none of my friends sent me 'náš auťák' from the czech Grease dubbing #i have many feelings about this but they are difficult to put into words so autism creature gift shall suffice

[youchangedmedestiel]

I'm never bored anymore. You know why? Because Destiel exists, and it keeps my brain busy. All the time.

If I have to wait in line for something, I wonder: "When was the first time Cas healed Dean? What was the context? Why did he do it? How Dean reacted?"

If I'm getting bored at a party or a dinner, my brain goes "Maybe I could a fanfic where Dean pranks Cas to flirt."

If I'm in the train for hours, *type frantically on my phone's memo the rest of the fic I'm currently working on.*

If I'm at work and have to do a repetitive and boring task, *listen to a destiel podfic.*

I have never been this glad to wait in line, attending a lame party, travelling in the train for hours or working on a repetitive task before because it means I'll have time to think, write or read about them.

#destiel #deancas #dean winchester #castiel #those two idiots in love prevent me from getting bored #I'm never feeling that way anymore #because they keep my mind busy #my brain is always working on something #even in the background #you know like when you're uploading something on your computer #and doing something else at the same time #well destiel brainrots are uploading into my brain #constantly #while I'm working or waiting or travelling or whatever #don't mind me #I'm saying shit #but I'm sure some of you get the picture #and sometimes uploading prevents your computer to do anything else #well same thing with my brain #I'm not bored anymore but sometimes I just can't focus on something else #my personal experience with destiel

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

..

#having some rough days lately friends #break is coming up soon but I'm not sure how to feel in the meantime #I'm really struggling with understanding and handling well my feelings tbh #my main issue right now is that I have LONGED for community for SO long #and I hoped so badly that I would find it here #but now that I'm here and with community at my fingertips it feels like I cannot join in for some reason??? #I'm struggling not to isolate and I'm feeling like I don't belong and I know better than to care about what people think #but I want to know what they think?? I want to know that people like me?? #I want to know that people like me for ME not just in some vaguely spiritual way where they have to keep me from sin??? #but I'm so tired lately and struggling to focus and I don't have people to talk to about it frankly here #and I can't shake the feeling that wanting people to lean on is sinful (because I should lean on God alone right? expecting other people #to fill the spot that I should have reserved for him is sin?) #I don't know anymore. I'm sorry for dumping this on you people here but I need somewhere to put it that isn't just my journal. #pray for me please. I feel like I can barely pray anymore myself. which is a terrible place to be when at a Christian university. #delete later

[madhushala]

everyone prioritizes their family and that means even extended chacha ke chacha fufa ke tau etc and i can't even prioritize my sagi one i hate myself

#and its not that they're bad or anything #but im such a people pleaser i feel validation from strangers is more important than family #its because maybe ive watched them too closely and nothing about them fascinates me anymore i know the pattern #and my fun is meeting new people cracking the code #but still #i hate that people will cut your calls leave your message unread kyunki aaj poora din bua mausi aaye the #wish i was that focused on my relatives #ill literally text call anyone even in a middle of a fucking apocalypse #idk yall should tell me if im doing something wrong do yall keep your phones away and forget to text your friends #but i can't focus one thing for too long i cannot physically see messages decking up and not reply #i hate this #do people simply not check. there phone as often or am i an addict #or have i still not learnt to be in the moment #and tomorrow night i leave for home and my friends have planned a meet up #now frn 1 comes to home for one month in her holidays so giving one day or even two days to friends doesn't matter #frn 2 lives in hometown so there's no problem but mind you if she comes she has to leave in 2 minutes because her mom calls every five #minutes just to get her back to home for nothing #frn 3 comes home same as me aka 4-5 days so giving 1 day to friends is parents saying tumhe hamse matlab nahi hai tyohaar mei bhi har baar #milne jaana hota hai #etc #but im home past 4 days ivd literally done nothing papa bhai se utni hi baat hui jitni phone par ho jaati hai #haan for mummy i spent time with her #but most of the time i was on tumblr or scrolling insta to kya hi matlab hua mere ghar aane ka #that means unhe bas meri physical presence chahiye #na ghar par bua aayi na mama na koi #lekin ab kal mujhe jaana hai to kal mama aa jaayenge #why are things this way

[strhwaberries]

every day i come here after work and other people than me have giffed hwa and i feel stupid and useless :((

#don't get me wrong i love seeing other people's stuff and i'm always happy to be tagged #and will try to reblog everything i see #i see videos and i'm too exhausted to gif them myself #i have a very long list of things i'd like to gif but i just don't have the energy #i feel extremely burnt out #i'm not even crocheting anymore #i can't focus on anything i just feel like sleeping all the time #lu.txt

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

EEE SO HAPPY RN I'll get some actual free time now that my pesky quizzes and exams are over for a while xd

Phew...finally gonna get those 8 hours of beauty sleep 😔<333

#rambling #delete later #aaah i had to avoid social media for a bit since it made me so distracted and I couldn't really focus on my work >:'D #ugggh I can't even feel my face anymore I'm so tired HHH but now maybe I'll draw something on the weekend like a small traditional doodle #thank you all so so so much for your support and your patience and your sweet words :')c they really mean the world to me<3333

[korperlos]

someone please flush my brain, change my battery, or whatever, i just want to be able to fully focus on things again and feel some energy in this strange body i inhabit, i want to be able to enjoy things

#in my teens i used to do so many creative things #i wrote stories and poems every day #did photography wherever i went #studied topics in great detail just for fun #read countless books #and today i struggle to write more than a sentence #doesn't matter if it's work or uni papers or anything else #can't focus on anything anymore #always feeling drained for idk fifteen years now #how am i supposed to bear that #when i know life can be so much more fulfilling #personal

[softpine]

hacker voice we’re in

#i can't wait anymore i told my family i have work to do and disappeared so i could play fjksdjs #casper is just a toddler for now and i'm gonna cheat and make caroline be pregnant so i can get the full infant experience #the existential horror of being a sim who wakes up one day and is suddenly in the 3rd trimester of a pregnancy that never existed before #like that woman from severance 😔 #i haven't decided yet if i want to put them in 1 lot with 2 houses or make them all live separately #idk how much stress i want to deal with lmao #i already had to delete poor mac </3 i cannot handle a cat and a new life stage all at once #anyway i'm probably not going to post any pictures #except maybe i'll do one big compilation #i just want to have fun and not focus on making things look pretty #anyway!!!! goodbye i'm gonna go play!! #pregnancy tw #growing together gameplay

[hussyknee]

So. Anyone else feeling a little unhinged rn?

#I've had to double my anti depressants #good news is that it's working #bad news is I still can't stay off social media #I saw another dead baby and this time just felt glad she didn't have to suffer this hell anymore #I have never wanted to believe in God more #I'm really glad they do #they believe their children are with God with all their hearts and I've started to imagine that's true too #holding onto their faith when I have none because otherwise I'd go insane #hyperfixating on Gaza for 6 wks while my hyperempathy went utterly haywire #has my brain dead convinced I'm Arab or something #I feel very stupid and guilty about it #like what right have I to claim this grief #and yet it's still easier to focus on than what's going on in my own country #ever since the protests fell apart last year and everything we had such hope for got flushed down the toilet #I just completely shut down #couldn't stand re-engaging with the world anymore #nearly ran out of reasons to keep going entirely this year #then when Gaza happened #I couldn't do anything but watch and learn and disseminate info like my life depended on it #just like with the SL protests #but it galvanized me the same way #I feel like it's breaking me down the same way too #I see all these massive protests and people chaining themselves and lying on the roads and getting thrown around by cops #I always felt that white and Western people could never truly feel our pain and it's amazing to see I was wrong #I feel so much love and awe and gratitude for them #but hope keeps getting dimmer and I'm slipping into despair again #exactly like with the SL protests #I don't want to go through all that betrayal and heartbreak and depression again #nobody that's directly impacted by this knows I exist and all the terrible pain I carry doesn't make a damn bit of difference #so I'm just spiralling alone in my head to no purpose lol

[rapha-reads]

Am I supposed to take advantage of the night to keep working on my thesis, of which I've barely completed 1/9th (discounting research, abstract, introduction, structure and bibliography)? Yes. Am I instead reading my second novel of the day? Yes. Should I go to bed instead because it's 4am? Yes.

Earlier today I read This is How You Lose the Time War, that I had been meaning to check ever since it was published, and it was gorgeous. Really beautiful, the letters, the descriptions of the multiple universes, times and planets visited, the ways Red and Blue work, the emotions... Pure joy.

Right now I'm reading The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet, and it is fascinating. I love a good scifi book, especially a scifi book that really takes into consideration the vastness of space and how varied other species and planets could be. Also punching holes through subspace sounds like a pure adrenaline trip and I'm deeply interested and captivated.

Anyway. Thesis is not progressing, deadline is getting closer. I should stop reading and start writing at some point. Meh. Stress levels are still not optimal. Stars aren't aligned. Need more adrenaline.

#rapha talks #rapha reads #books #book recs #literature #sf literature #scifi #this is how you lose the time war #the long way to a small angry planet #i know i'm the one who came up with my thesis subject. i know i'm the one who choose to go back and get another master's degree. #but still. why the hell did i do that. this thesis is killing me. #or maybe not the thesis itself but the stress of writing it coupled with the intense family drama i have to deal with at the same time #adding to that the fact that i don't have a job lined up next yet + won't have a flat after the 31st and need to get my stuff back #... i can't focus at the same time on my thesis my dad going through it my mom and her dumbass decisions and my future situation #it's just too much. so instead i read. reading has never failed me. reading is the most faithful companion of my existence #if i couldn't read anymore i don't know what or who i'd be #i need somebody to find me a flat and a job and someone else to deal with my parents while i finish this thesis #sadly no one is jumping on the tasks and i'm left with too much noise in my head

[oifaaa]

you should draw every character related to superman in some way

I'm really not a professional enough artist to draw that many characters I would get bored after drawing 2 and give up after 5

#ask #anon #I'm so glad I'm not a professional artist #I remember a while a while ago #Back when I was still using tiktok #A video was on my feed #Of this person talking about #How it's good to give random kids critism on their art #Like online #Bc if they want to be professional artists they have to learn to take criticism #And it's like babe #What if this random beginner doesn't want to be a professional artist #Not everyone posting art online wants to monetise their work #We're not all out looking to make content #We're just fucking about having fun #But yeah the amount of likes that video had #I swear one of the reasons I don't use tiktok anymore #Sorry wee side rant #I'm just full of those today #Maybe I can't draw bc I can't focus

[itzsana-kiddingmenow]

fuck math.

#sana's rants #bitch ive been sitting here for 6 fucking hours trying to finish the same fucking lesson and can't fucking understand it #what the actual hell is wrong with me #i can't even focus correctly cuz im sitting here with a pounding headache on a schedule studying fucking math #i cant do this anymore what the fuck #i dont think ive ever sworn this much on a post im sorry ppl

[antisocialxconstruct]

hrrrhgfhfd bad news about the clownlets.....

the puppy heads are made of a much cheaper plastic than the 90s version or the bigger faces, which means 1) they don't clean very well and the darker colors leave really nasty stains behind, and 2) they're too hard and inflexible to sew the bodies onto (the original bodies were just ziptied around the neck, which is why they look so goofy compared to the older ones).

So I think maybe...... if I want clownlets, I'll have to accelerate my plans on learning how to make molds and poured vinyl heads, and make that part of this project instead of some nebulous future one 🤔

#either that or I just focus on the bigger dogs and add puppies to the set down the road #which if we're being honest might be the route I go just because......... money. :( #it's kind of wild to realize how much the quality drops between the 90s pet surprise and the 2010s pet surprise... #you can see it a bit in the mothers. like the long fur is really haphazardly stitched and the collars are just an unhemmed strip of fabric #sewn directly onto the body. instead of an actual removable accessory. and the bows are just a pinched bit of ribbon instead of. a bow gfds #but the BABIES..... #the heads are worse material! the sculpts are lumpy! the fabric is thin and cheap and not even SEWN ON! #they don't even have BEANS anymore!!!! #I can't believe I'm being forced to reverse engineer better puppies from scratch. society can never recover from this #pet surprise