Thinking about how Levi would be such a good boyfriend while you’re on your period 😭
You would try your best not to sulk too much or act like a baby around him, you didn’t want to be too needy, didn’t want him to see you like that (you sometimes wished you were as independent and strong as he was all the time).. But he always knew when you got your period, sometimes even before you told him. The way you would start tossing and turning at night due to cramps or rubbing your sore lower back during the day. Being a little quieter than usual, a little more distant. Being a brat and suddenly catching an attitude or getting your feelings hurt for no reason 😭
“Hey.. what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, Levi, it’s fine.” You looked away, not wanting to be rude to him just because you were feeling unwell but not wanting to ask for anything either.
Then it would click. He wouldn’t say anything, he would just walk away for a few minutes and come back with the perfect remedy for whatever you were going through. Whether it was a heating pad, pain meds, a warm cup of tea with your favorite book, your favorite comfort meal or treat, your pet to cuddle with. It’s like no matter what you needed in that moment, he would bring it. He would hand it to you or set it beside you without a word, walking away and letting you indulge in it on your own for a couple of minutes. Let the heating pad warm you up or your favorite treat cheer you up a bit. Then, in a few minutes he would come back, bend down to place a kiss on your brow and gently brush his fingers through your hair. Maybe rubbing light circles down your lower back if you were laying down.
“Feeling better?”
“…… yeah….. thank you”, you say sheepishly, looking away from him. Embarrassed that you just wanted him to take care of you deep down but didn’t wanna ask.
“Can I sit with you? Or you need some alone time?”
You patted the spot next to you gently and smiled up at him. He would sit close to you, wrapping his arms around you and kissing the top of your head. You would always lean into his touch and fit perfectly in his arms, loving how his strong arms felt wrapping around you. You always felt so safe and warm with him. Then, the next few days wouldn’t be so bad. No matter how bad your symptoms were, he was there to make it better. He would be even more caring and considerate than usual. Running you a steamy shower every night with your favorite candle lit and washing your hair for you if you didn’t feel up for it. Giving you gentle massages and extra kisses and cuddles without you having to ask. He was always more affectionate when you were on your period because he knew the level of comfort it brought you, and nothing made him happier than seeing the little blush and smile that swept across your pretty face every time he gave you this extra attention. He would do it a million times over if he had to, he would do anything for you.
((After the first 3 months of you being together he started taking note of the exact dates so he wouldn’t catch your bratty attitude without being prepared 😭 poor Levi lmfao))
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Joel feeling like a failure and feeling the need to apologize to Ellie, even over things he can’t control, is, I think, very much an anxiety thing. And also comes down to who you are at your core. Even him telling Tommy, “I have to leave her,” because he doubts his capabilities in being able to protect her in the long run and believes she’ll be better off without him
Joel loves hard. He loves really hard when he does. He loved Tess, despite his inability to show it to her the extent I think we all believe it was. He loves Tommy, we know that. He was willing to drive cross country just to make sure he was okay after three weeks of radio silence. Maybe not loved, but he sure started to care about Henry and Sam and was willing to let them join he and Ellie on their journey to Jackson. And he loves, loves Ellie. More than he’s even comfortable with. (Un)willing to leave her, shove her away from him, even if it means she’ll be safe, as much as he wants to keep her right next to him, held against his side
But what comes with loving someone, what comes with having a heart like this, and what comes with this fear of the well-being and safety of those around you, is a striking belief in your inability to do for them what you believe you should do. It is blaming yourself for things out of your control when they come up in the others life. It’s believing you’re responsible for…nearly everything about them. It is caring way too much about them that you want to take that pain upon yourself to relieve that person of it. And it, in turn, makes you believe you’re not good enough when you can’t. Incapable. Unworthy. Along with the general mix of…not feeling adequate or good enough in general. You want to help this person in every way, but your belief in your inadequacy creates such a debilitating sense of understanding of what you really want and who you are
But, I say it’s an anxiety thing because of believing that person will blame you for something that’s out of your control. That because you couldn’t stop something that, frankly, is completely out of your control and responsibility and could’ve never stopped in a million years, you find a way to blame yourself and, in turn, think this person will also blame you for not being able to stop it. Because you care too much and are too freaked over protecting them that your understanding of how they feel gets completely warped. That you think they’ll lash out and cut you off. That they’ll be angry with you for what you couldn’t stop. And, out of the fear of believing that could happen, you take it upon yourself to apologize. To try and take it and place the blame upon yourself. To try and keep that person from becoming angry with you
And we know Joel (I think??) took anti anxiety meds even Before. That he was forced to cut it immediately, worsening it tremendously. And with how hard he loves, especially Ellie? That’s a nightmare for mental health. His fear over her life and well-being. His belief in his inability to protect her due to how afraid he is. How he’s failed at protecting her innocence, something that is inevitably out of his control because of the world they live in. How he probably blames himself for Ellie watching Henry off himself. Something, again, he could not control because Henry threatened his life. And nearly Ellie’s. And he tells Tommy he has to leave her because he believes he’s incapable and unworthy of protecting her. Maybe it is his age and hearing. More than that, I think it’s a mix of this anxiety and his golden love for her that makes him think it’s the right thing to do
People like this, like me, need a lot of convincing. Convincing and reaffirming that not everything is on us. That we can be taken care of. That we can take breaks and don’t have to hold the weight of the world on our shoulders, and I think that’s exactly what Winter does for Joel and Ellie. For Joel to, in my opinion, view himself in this light and to shove her away and for her to come running back, holding his hand and telling him, wordlessly, that she is there to take care of him. She’s there to convince him, “it’s you and me. Rest, let me take care of you.” To reaffirm and comfort him through it. Sure, he’s forced to rest bc he’s basically comatose, but it applies to at least the beginning. That his probably last real moment of consciousness before he wakes in episode 8 was her coming back to take care of him. To show him that it’s not just him
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10 Happy Things
May 11, 2024
Slept most of the day let's gooo
My bed and clothes are so warm and cozy
Called my mom and apparently she was out with people but she stepped outside to talk to me for a bit before going back to them and just feeling very very loved
My mom called me back and I talked to my sisters for nearly two hours hwjoiegdjkl we're just absolute nerds the lot of us
The Bible Plan I've been doing these past few days is just re-looking at everything from the basis of just get right with God, are you following Jesus and it's been very comforting to have that reminder like it is relational, it is supposed to be a delightful life we're living, there's no stress at all about doing x or y and if you're supposed to, it will not be anything but good
I can't really move my toes individually (except the ones at the ends) and I think it's kinda cute. They're a pack. They're friends. Do Not Separate.
The Tim Horton's White Hot Chocolate is so insanely good
Dungeon Meshi is such a good manga broooo
There are so many joys that I don't think I'll run out of them, and isn't that just the most delightful thing ever?
When I started this list I was feeling a little tired but now I'm quite happy and excited!! I'm so grateful to Katie for getting me into this, and my friends who also do stuff like this
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I have been up until 3 or 4am leading ghost hunts for the past two days after spending the whole day before the hunt doing a massive cleanup on the ghost hunt site to get ready for the paranormal convention next week where I'm going to be leading hour-long history tours nonstop all day and then doing more ghost hunts and night and I still am not sure I know the history well enough so now I need to spend today trying to put together an hour-long history tour and practicing it while also getting all my stuff ready for next weekend because I only have Monday afternoon off after work and I won't be free to do anything until after 8pm on Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday because I'm teaching swimming lessons after regular work and on Friday I need to go to the haunt grounds immediately after work to lead a celebrity ghost hunt with a bunch of celebrities from ghost hunting shows and then on Saturday is when I do all the history tours so I need to have my history stuff down today because I won't have much chance all week to practice it let alone do stuff like cook and clean and laundry and I actually got super sick last week and am still recovering and the fatigue was already off the charts before the 4am ghost hunts this weekend and if one more thing happens I am going to become a DC Batman villain
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