#and so... I legit don't even come close to having the answer for this

[fadingdaggerr]

HIIII! I LOVE THE FIC YOU WROTE, THE AND NOW? SINCE UHM YOU'VE DONE CASUAL AND RED WINE SUPERNOVA, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO ONE WITH GOOD LUCK, BABE? OF COURSE WITH A HAPPY ENDING BUT WITH LOTS OF ANGST? OH AND IF YOU CAN'T OR TOTALLY DON'T WANT TO, IT'S ALSO FINE!

truth be told

pairing: melissa schemmenti x gn!reader

summary: melissa loves you, in what way, she doesn’t want to know. based on good luck, babe! by chappell roan | 7.8k

includes: they/them used for reader (legit once), r is mean direct during the fights (within reason? up to interpretation), angst, HURT/comfort, happy ending

warnings: internalized homophobia and comphet, unhealthy relationship dynamic, swearing, verbal fighting, light kissing/making out

note: i do think melissa is bisexual, but the song is about a lesbian dealing with comphet, so for the sake of the fic, melissa is meant to be read as a lesbian. let’s go lesbians, let’s go! buncha lesbians coming thru! also u can’t tell me mel isn’t a taurus. be so fr. i know lisa’s a leo but look me in the eyes and say that a primary trait of ‘stubborn’ isn’t melissa. u can’t. ruled by venus? like come on.

I, Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti

You’re quite comfortable in this spot on the floor, curled against the couch with your head resting against Melissa’s thigh, rounded nails grazing over the stretch of your neck and exposed shoulder. Eyes numbly glued to the corner of the coffee table, the chattering of the Schemmenti family around you feels far away, not even Vinny and Annette’s arguing over God-knows-what can reach you. It’s peaceful here, even with the yelling and seemingly genetic snort-laugh they all possess. It feels like home in every way.

Something that sounds far away, underwater, that resembles your name passes your ear, but does not breach the wall of comfort around you. The light rocking of your head and grazing nails turning to gentle scratching pulls you back to shore, head shifting to look up at Melissa, eyes scanning her face. All you manage is a questioning hum as you regain your social bearings.

Melissa’s hand slides up your neck to softly hold your chin, “was asking if you’re alright. You’re awful quiet down there by yourself.”

“‘M good, Mel. Just existing, I guess,” you answer, leaning into her more.

Her thumb brushes over your cheek, just barely passing the corner of your lips, foregoing an actual response. The twitch of a smile against her skin has her heart racing, her own light smile fading. Melissa’s mind pushes the casualness to the forefront of her mind, how you are so at ease in this undoubtedly chaotic environment. A sip of her wine replaces the instinct to rip her hand away from you, cross her legs and leave you suddenly without a place to rest.

Take you, Joseph Vincent Peterson

“Why does this credentialing shit have to be so intense? I mean, seriously, didn’t I just fucking do six years of schooling and another two, two, of assisting,” Melissa loudly complains as she goes through all her notes over the counter, “that should be proof enough, but no.”

You grab her tensing hand from across the table, ceasing your organizing of notes by topic, “honey, see how confident you are though? Means you’ll kill it, won’t even be a sweat.”

“You don’t know that,” she says dejectedly, peering back down to her elementary mathematics notes.

“I do,” you say, standing from your seat to round the table and stand behind her. Slowly, you wrap your arms around her, reaching for her balled hands, and leaning to rest your chin on her shoulder, “I know these things. You got this in the bag, pretty.”

Taking a deep breath with closed eyes, Melissa relaxes against you as a lingering kiss is pressed to her cheek. Turning slightly to face you, she presses her own lips to the corner of yours in silent thanks. You suck in a tight breath, she rarely ever allows herself to be so affectionate, even a kiss on the cheek is a rare occurrence. Sure, Melissa is a hugger, with only a select few, but this is so different. Blood rushes to your cheeks, and you are grateful her eyes are back on the notebook and she can’t see the dumbfounded look on your face.

You give her another half hour to obsess over words on a page before convincing her to call it a night, not even you can bear another moment looking at any of this. Admitting defeat, she lets you guide her to the couch, melting into the plastic lining. Melissa watches as you take your place against the arm of the couch, legs crossed in front of you while you flip through channels.

It takes less than ten minutes for the redhead to slowly start scooting closer, creaking plastic making her movements unstealthy. Taking the hint, you uncross your legs to make room for her and open your arms in quiet invitation. Unlike her previous shifting, Melissa nearly pounces into your arms, taking residence against your chest. One hand goes to her hair, scratching her scalp, the other rests on her arm, massaging the muscle.

It’s hard to tell when, or even if, Melissa is asleep on you. Her lack of talking or the slightest movement leads you to believe she’s dead to the world. Only a small whisper of caution passes your mind as your lips press to her crown, lingering there longer than you should. Snuggling into you, the redhead suppresses the smile of utter peace that begs to cross her wine-stained lips.

To have and to hold

Movie nights are always some of your favorite times with Melissa, struggling on a puzzle that you swore you could do. When you were sober. Now, the border still remains incomplete as your attentions divert to the TV when dramatic music begins playing. Admittedly, you aren’t really watching the movie to begin with, but Melissa seems to be so engrossed she hasn’t realized she’s still fidgeting with the same piece.

Aiming for her hand, you flick a puzzle piece into her lap to get her attention. Peeking up over the frames of her glasses, Melissa looks at you quizzically. Gesturing to the puzzle, you look back to her in silent question. She answers in a shrug, moving in tandem with you as you sit up to sit on the couch. A little grin grows as she realizes that she’d get to take her typical spot, but she has something else in mind.

Rushing ahead, she takes your usual spot against the arm of the couch, legs open to make space for your body and arms stretched out in invitation. Without question, you take your place, tucking your face into her neck as her arms wrap around you. Melissa is so warm, so warm that you feel like a cat on a sunspot, settling into her as her breathing calms your heartbeat.

Something switches in your mind, a sense of bravery fills you, and you press your lips to Melissa’s neck gently, lingering against soft skin. You try to pull away, but a hand on the back of your head keeps you in place, and you’re quick to oblige. Lazy, wet kisses glide across blushing skin, never harsh, not one mark left, just simple adoration.

Frayed whimpers leave her as you find a particularly sensitive spot, just below a freckle on the underside of her soft jaw. You can’t help but smile against her at the sound, instantly becoming your mission in life to hear it again and again. Trailing downwards, you stop at her clavicle, allowing your teeth to graze the bone, relishing in her breath hitching. She is chrysanthemum and mirth personified.

Wanting hands pull you up to her lips, and you stay hovering, barely a space between you. Noses brush, nails dig into your neck, hearts rapid. You feel you should tell her before you go any further.

“I love you,” it’s merely a whisper into the miniscule space, but it makes her hands pull you down to her lips. All teeth, all tongue, all need, but she doesn’t match your words.

For better, or for worse

Arm-in-arm, you and Melissa brave the harsh wind of the Philly night weather. She hadn’t believed you, and now she’s proven wrong, of course she passed her credentialing exam with nearly perfect scores. You’ve always told her how you have enough faith in her for the two of you.

Whiskey sours brought you together, at this very bar, having seen each other drinking one after finals junior year, and whiskey sours were how you celebrate every occasion. Ever since then, she has stolen the maraschino cherries from your glass with a grin, always pretending she didn’t.

Three drinks in, Melissa sweet talks you on to the dancefloor. With little room from the sea of people, she stays pressed against you, hands gripping at your sides. As the music slows, she slides her hands up to your neck, looking into you with something you can’t place, but you don’t complain. She’s a heavenly being, especially under the color-shifting lights and strobes. Green irises flick from your lips to your eyes, and there’s something in them that makes you desperately need to kiss her. Fluttering lashes quicken as she catches herself, stepping back before you can think of acting.

Just as much as she seems to not notice the pattern, you pretend not to.

“I’m gonna get a beer,” she shouts over the music, refusing to make eye contact. You manage a nod, watching her disappear into the crowd of drunk dancers. Carefully, you weave through the crowd to the bathrooms, needing a moment to breathe air without sweat mixed in.

After an embarrassing amount of recovery time, and a hit off a pipe offered by a kind stranger, you make your way back out to the bar, scanning for familiar red hair. Spotting her, no longer near the bar, but off to the side with a man. Melissa’s wearing her go on, get me a free drink smile, teeth just barely digging into her bottom lip, and he seems to be perfectly happy to do so. And you let him, cozying up to the bar to order a double to nurse.

Against your better judgment, you periodically check on Melissa and this mystery man. At first, her hands are to herself, and impressively, so are his. A few sips later, and her weight rests on the hand on his leg, leaning into his space with hooded eyes. Bile rises in your throat. You want to leave, but you came together, leaving her isn’t an option, not that it ever has been. When you check again, the man’s hand is cradling her face, and Melissa’s eyes flick to yours briefly.

She wishes she didn’t see the way your lips pursed, forcibly hiding a frown. In an effort to displace this feeling she can’t describe bubbling in her chest, she lets Joe kiss her, rough and wanting. Melissa kisses him back, lets his hands roam, nods when he mumbles to ask to take her home. With an arm around her waist, she walks with him as he walks her out.

Passing by you, she asks him to wait and sidles up next to you, “I’m- uh- I’m going home with Joe. You good to get home?”

“Yeah, love walking” you reply shortly, “just text me the address, so I know the secondary location.”

Melissa gives you an unimpressed look, “not funny. If I need a ride out of there, can I count on you?”

Looking her directly in the eye, you respond, “you can always count on me.”

Joe drives her home the next morning, with a hand on her thigh that makes her skin crawl, but she lets him. When he asks if he can see her again, she tells him she’ll let him know, and he seems to take it in stride. Stepping inside, taking her shoes off, making coffee, she’s fine. But the moment Melissa sits on the couch, a dark, twisted feeling crawls up her back and into her chest at the thought of seeing you later. The inevitable conversation you’ll have makes her feel sick, almost feeling as if she has to hide it despite you knowing. 

For richer, or for poorer

It almost feels too good to be real. Here in Melissa’s room, fan blowing, radio playing some classic rock station, on top of her comforter, pressed against her. Her lips dominate yours, tongue stroking yours for another taste of the cherry cola you’d been drinking when you got here, currently going flat on her nightstand. Greedy hands hold your shirt, refusing to let you move, needing you right where she has you.

Some days, she reveled in your attention so much that she would let herself turn her head when you went to kiss the corner of her lips. It always leads here, with her lips on yours, though she particularly loves it when it travels to her room. Your hands on her hips, fingers just barely dipping under her shirt, only the softest of touches. Always so gentle with her, your touch was never anything more than featherlike, especially so in moments like this.

Needing air, Melissa cups one side of your jaw and travels down your chin, to your jaw, to your neck, open mouth kisses littering your skin on the other. Shaky pants pass your lips, spurring her on further, mumbling baby as her teeth nip at the unmarked expanse of your neck. The hand in her hair only scratches her scalp, as it had before, but the slower ministrations match your deep breaths at every pass of her tongue. A thought passes her mind, one that freezes her from head to toe. Melissa needs you like this forever.

Feeling the lack of lips on you, your eyes peek down to Melissa’s paling face. Warmth leaves you as she pulls away, rolling from her side to lay on her back, face fear stricken. Taking the hint, you don’t touch her, just propping yourself up on your elbow against her pillow, “you okay, baby?”

You watch her take a few deep breaths, keeping your eyes on her saints, “I’m fine.”

“I can-” You take a breath yourself, “I can go, if that’s what you need.” Her short tone was making you squirrely, and her eyes forcibly ignoring you wasn’t helping the case.

“You don’t have to go. I said I’m fine,” she realizes her own tone, “I just… I just need a minute.”

“Okay,” you say slowly, rolling off the bed, “I’ll go put something on for dinner… you can take over when you’re done with your minute.” Melissa only looks at the door once you leave, face crumpling as she tries to push tears back. 

She doesn’t need you, doesn’t want you, she doesn’t. She doesn’t, she doesn’t, she can’t. Not when you hold her hand to not lose her in crowds, not when you fix her hair before getting out of the car, not even when she caves the moment your lips brush hers. It’s hard to deny the way her heart clenches when you forgo her name, always baby or pretty. It’s easier to say she loves you when she reminds herself you’re her friend.

In sickness and in health

Joseph ‘but call me Joe’ is a major pain in your ass. After three months of having his number, of not mentioning him, she texted him to invite him to the bar with you and your friends. Not once did she mention him coming, yet here he stands in a navy auto-body shop t-shirt. Their previous, singular night together clearly gives him this gnarly confidence, arm around Melissa’s waist and a hand just above her ass.

Your fingers burn from your biting, wishing you could throw the glass in your hand at him. He dares touch her in front of you, and she dares to let him. Each forceful placement of your glass back on the table makes green eyes flick to you, but they dart away before you can look back. Melissa wishes that the permanent frown on your face didn’t make her so upset.

Instead all she feels is acid in her throat, guilt and self-disgust making her squirm under Joe’s touch. Joe. She entirely forgot his presence until his hand slid into her back pocket. Peeking up, she notices that his eyes are not on her or the people talking, but on you, a hard look in his eyes. Acid bubbles, angered that he dares to look at you with such contempt.

Melissa nudges him with her hip to get his attention, cocking her head towards you in silent question. Joe leans into her, “your friend looks at me like I’m breaking a rule touching you.”

“Doesn’t mean you need to give the ugly eye. They’re just looking out for me,” she mutters, taking a sip of the amaretto sour he ordered her. It’s God awful, but she deserves as much in her mind.

Joe just gruffs a laugh, “looking out for you or jealous?” He takes her silence as not understanding, “when you’re not getting goo-goo eyes, I’m getting death rays.”

She won’t dignify an answer, hoping he’ll just take it as processing. Melissa knows, oh, she knows how you care for her, how you do more than just that. How you love her. It makes her feel ill, when it’s so clearly swirling in your eyes. The fact that others know, both her family and not, how they push her towards you, it’s terrifying.

Her mother adores you, always asking if you’re coming to dinner, begging for your presence at every dinner after the second one you attended. Kristin Marie jokes with you, not just insults, even asks your advice on things. Annette calls you Melissa’s other half, and when she gets a stony jade glare, it’s only because you two go everywhere together.

As if she knows it’s on her, she meets your gaze from across the table. Her mouth opens to speak to you, but a hand tugs her chin to the left, and Joe presses a rough kiss to her petallike lips. It’s a dare, a dare to cross him, a dare to even look at Melissa, a dare to take what he claims as his.

Forty horrible minutes pass, and on her way back from the restroom, Melissa scans the room. Everyone was right where she left them, chatting through mouthfuls of chips, except for you. Your spot had been filled in by the others, empty glass still sitting on the coaster. Over his shoulder, Joe gives her a grin, sated, waving his hand to get her closer.

Her hands scramble through her purse the second she’s seated, digging for her phone in hopes of a text from you. A single notification sits on her screen.

To anyone else, to Joe rudely peering over her shoulder to read the message, it would seem normal. However, Melissa knows better. There’s no heart at the end, no little ‘love you,’ probably written after you’d already started your journey. Just simply got tired, walking home.

In irritation, definitely not to shovel away guilt, she lets Joe kiss her again at the end of the night, after she downed another amaretto. Even lets him take her home, though he tried taking it back to hers, but to have him in a bed you have lied in? Unthinkable.

Joe’s kisses are as rough as his hands on her, just short of hurting when he grabs at her breasts. His voice is gruff as he offers to drive her home, despite her not feeling anything close to pleasure, close to some sort of good. It’s divine punishment, it seems.

To love and cherish

Melissa misses you. You are right next to her on the couch, yet she misses you. She’s grown too used to the comfort of laying against your chest, having your arms wrapped around her as you watch whatever movie she decides on. It’s ridiculous, truly. She’s with Joe, she shouldn’t be seeking comfort from anyone else, but her ear longs to be above your beating heart.

You’re still pressed against the arm of the couch, though you stay balled up and keep unblinking attention on the screen. The thought passes her mind to simply scoot up next to you, but it’s unwise with the mood you’re in. Since she called you and said Joe officially asked her to be his girlfriend, you’ve entirely pulled back. Not so much as a kiss on her cheek in six months. Melissa feels like she’s in the thick of withdrawal. 

Green eyes feel like crosshairs as you feel them scope your body, attempting to read your displeasure without asking. Truthfully, you want to be here with her, but the clock on your time goes down with each second that gets closer to Joe arriving for their date night. In effort to not cause a fight, you’ve kept away, always leaving before he gets there so as to not be forced to talk. Joseph gets a lot of joy in reminding you he’s there to see his girlfriend.

“What?” You speak into the open air, not bothering to peek at a staring Melissa.

“You’re quiet,” the redhead offers cautiously. She’s seen your bad side, but she’s never been on it. Silence from you is a sort of weapon.

You sigh, “I don’t have anything to say.” More like you don’t have anything good to say.

“You’ve got plenty, or else you wouldn’t be quiet. What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Her hand comes to stroke your hair, an attempt to smother the fire, but you duck away from her touch, finally looking at her.

“Just drop it, Melissa. You don’t wanna hear it,” you look back at the TV. It’s the most honest you want to be with her.

The calm demeanor drops, “and how do you know that?”

“Because I know you.”

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“Tell! Me!”

“You! You are what’s wrong!” You shout as you turn to face her, brows furrowed and nostrils flaring. “You kiss me! You touch me! You tell me you care about me! You hate every woman that gets within ten yards of me, who dares show interest in me. For what?” Melissa is in shocked silence, not answering. “Because you can’t stand that they want me, that I could want them too? Because I could maybe, just maybe, have feelings for someone that isn’t you?”

“That’s not-”

A bitter laugh leaves you, “have you ever stopped to think about what you’re doing to me when you kiss me, let me kiss you, and then just start sleeping with some guy? How do you tell me you care about me more than anything and then kiss him in front of me? I have never hidden how much I love you Melissa, not once, and you rub it in my face?”

Standing from the couch, you try to create distance as you pace with your hands on your hips. You can’t even look at her, knowing the hurt look on her face will break you. You’ll say it’s all fine when it isn’t. This dam cannot be patched. She tries to hide it, but you hear her sniffle as she stands to be level with you.

Her arms cross to create a proactive barrier, “you are the one that just assumes it’s all about you. Joe is a good guy, he cares about me, loves me. He tells me, he tells his friends.”

“And do you care about him? Love him too?”

Melissa’s eyes widen, “I… I could.”

“You could?” It’s almost a laugh. “You sound real confident in that ability. Let me know how that goes.”

The red she sees matches her hair, “and what have you done? Sit and wallow.”

“Oh, sorry, were the many times I said ‘I love you, Melissa’ not clear enough? Or were you just purposefully pretending to hear ‘you’re my bestest platonic pal’?”

“How was I supposed to know what that meant?!”

Your stills, a sudden calm coming over you as you realize the lost cause, “be so fucking rea- you know what? I’m done.” Stepping around her, you go to the door to put on your shoes, feeling like there’s glass coating the soles.

“You’re-”

“Going home,” you say standing, “I can’t do this anymore. At this point, I’m just torturing myself.” There’s no pause before opening the door.

“Please, don’t leave,” Melissa’s voice cracks.

You can’t face her, “I love you. But I can’t say I feel the same about the idea of you only loving me when others aren’t around.”

“I love you, I do. Just, please don’t go.” The door slams in Melissa’s face.

Eyes stay on the driveway as you leave, immediately pulling into your spot, Joe.

Until we death to us part

A surprise dinner for their one year anniversary might just be the most romantic thing Joe has done for Melissa the entirety of their relationship. He called her to tell her to dress to the nines, well maybe the sevens, which made her laugh, quick to hang up to start curling her hair. As she sections her hair, she wonders what kind of restaurant, which cuisine, silently praying that it’s not Italian.

Leaning against his truck, Joe lays on the horn to alert her of his presence, climbing into the cabin as Melissa steps outside. When she gets in herself, Melissa does a once over of his clothing for the evening, hoping to not find an oil stain that seems to be on every single shirt the man owned. None. Not even a mark of too-much-bleach to get rid of an old stain. Collar pressed, not a wrinkle in sight. Joseph bought a new shirt, just for tonight.

“You look handsome,” she says, leaning against the middle console to press her lip to his cheek.

Wiping her gloss from his face, through a cocky grin he says, “thought I should clean up.”

Metallica plays on the radio, no other conversation is even attempted before he pulls into the parking lot of Yamitsuki. Joe’s already a quarter of the way to the door by the time Melissa gets out of the truck, carefully dropping to the pavement in her heels. At least it’s not Italian, at least it’s not Italian.

In hopes to get and keep his attention, her arm wraps around his when he reaches him at the host stand. When the host seats them, Joe yanks his arm from Melissa’s to get in the booth across from her. The redhead sits silently, letting the man order her drink and the appetizer he wants. When he reorders his beer, wanting an American brew, she mentally steps back. Nodding and humming seems to get her through most of these conversations.

A loud laugh from the hibachi station captures both hers and Joe’s attention, though he seems more interested in the puffs of fire coming from the grill. The woman laughing grips the counter as she tries to catch her breath, her date, facing away from Melissa, is shaking with laughter as they rub the woman’s arm. Silver catches the light, and green eyes are drawn to the rings on the date’s hand. A wide silver band, only one constellation engraved into the metal. She doesn’t have to look closer. She knows it’s Taurus, she knows it’s hers.

Tempura, onigiri, even her beloved donburi, they all taste like straw as her mind rotates her constellation brushing against someone new. Melissa doesn’t even have in her to frown when Joe slams his glass on the table to get the attention of the server as they rush past with trays. Peeking away from the adult tantrum over a Budweiser, her eyes go back to the grill.

God, she wishes she hadn’t. Talking kindly to the cook, she gets a view of your profile. Warm lighting makes you glow, the easy smile on your lips makes her heart clench. You’re here, with this woman, and you’re happy. You’re without her and you’re happy. Her grip in the table cloth tightens, pulling everything her way.

“What’s wrong?” Joe asks with a mouthful of noodles. Her eyes snap to him, brows furrowed in confusion, “your face, you look upset. Is it the food?”

She finds it in herself to smile a little, “I’m fine. Just spaced out for a second.”

He doesn’t believe her, so in true Joe-fashion, he talks about everything and nothing to move her attention away from whatever’s bothering her. It would be annoying if it wasn’t a tad endearing.

A silent prayer goes to all deities above when she walks into the empty restroom, Melissa also locks the door to ensure the privacy stays. The ringed fingers gripping her lungs let go, and for the first time since she walked in the restaurant, she can finally take a deep breath. Leaning on her hands against the counter, Melissa looks at herself in the mirror. Time to put your big girl pants on, Schemmenti.

Turning on the sink, Melissa runs her hands under the cold water to cool down, the splotchy red on her chest finally dissipating. Shaking the water from her hands, she nods to herself. Turning on her heel, she forces her shoulders back, spine straight, totally fine. Stepping back into the hall, she immediately collides with another person.

“Shit, I am so sorry,” a familiar voice says as hands hold onto Melissa’s elbows to stop her sway. Long lashes flutter around wide eyes as she only stares, watching your eyes fly from where your hand rests on her arm to her face. Your eyes quickly widen as your hands pull away, though they harden swiftly, concern becoming stone. “Sorry,” is all you mumble before turning away from her, giving up on your journey to the restrooms.

What possesses her, she doesn’t know, but she follows you. Grabbing your arm, she tugs you in the restroom she had just left, locking the door behind her, she leans against it as you just stare at her. The unblinking glare you give is something she hadn’t ever been on the receiving end of, but it feels as awful as she assumed.

“Nothing?”

Your jaw drops a little, and you let out a sharp, breathy laugh, “nothing? Nothing what? Was I supposed to faint?”

“Was maybe thinking you wouldn’t just walk past me when I haven’t seen you in six months.”

“And why’s that?” At her lack of answer, your head tilts, “did you want me to stay behind glass to break in case of sudden realization?”

“Sudden realization?” It could be better to play dumb.

Biting your cheek, you look at the ceiling before you speak, “yes. Sudden realization. Maybe realize that kissing me, wanting me to kiss you, it’s pretty gay. Very gay, actually, in my professional opinion.”

“I’m not gay,” Melissa mumbles, twiddling with her fingers. Maybe playing dumb wasn’t the move.

You nod slowly, “right.”

“I’m not. I love Joe, we’re here for our anniversary. I’m not gay.”

Closing your eyes, you exhale deeply, “glad that’s settled. Can you stop holding me hostage?”

Melissa can feel the weight of your words. You’re not just a hostage of this room. You’ve been perpetually held hostage by your feelings for her, imprisoned for years and years, with never getting the love you bore in return. She tries to step closer to you, but you move at the same time, pivoting around her and unlocking the door. Your name leaving her lips in a cracked voice makes you halt, but the simmering fire in your chest refuses to let you soften.

“Let me go, Melissa. Should be easy, since, you know, you don’t love me, not really.”

“B-” The door shuts in her face again.

This is my solemn vow.

—☽—

Melissa wakes with a jolt, beads of sweat gliding down her spine. Heaving breaths constrict her chest and she drops her head into her hands in an attempt to focus and calm herself. The tight feeling in her chest dissipates as a final deep breath leaves her lungs, face cooling and heart slowing. Lifting her head from her hands, she peers to the right to make sure she hadn’t woken Joe.

Perhaps she would have, had he been there.

Joe was only ever home maybe two nights a week, always ‘working late’ and coming home well rested the next morning. Nina was getting most of his time these days, all his attention, love, and acknowledgement. It was getting hard to keep track of the times he’d almost called her Ni instead of Mel, after it hit double digits, she didn’t care anymore. It was clear now, more than ever, that she was his wife in nothing but name.

Only in her dreams does she get a level of peace, the smell of patchouli and spearmint comforting her in the haze of sleep. Oversized knit sweaters and denim brush her skin in this personal Eden, but the morning sun brings her to gasoline and another woman’s perfume. 

A part of her, deep in the back of her mind, screams, and it has only gotten louder over the last ten years. The voice screams, bordering on blood-curdling, telling her how much she hates him, how much she doesn’t love him, how much she regrets him. Every morning she wakes with him gone, the more she listens to that little voice. Every time she smells Chanel on the Eagles jacket she bought for their five year anniversary, the voice gets a little louder.

The voice warps and becomes familiar as Melissa stares blankly at the empty space beside her. You could? Let me know how that goes. If you were able to see her now, you’d be giving her that raised brow, biting your inner lip to keep from saying something she probably didn’t want to hear. In this moment, she would do anything to hear what you’d say, even if she may cry, even if she doesn’t know where you are.

With her mind running a mile a minute, she was unable to will herself back into sleep, giving up to make coffee instead. As if the universe wanted to mock her, the door quietly opens and closes, careful footsteps walking through the living room before the pause in the doorway to the kitchen. Joe and Melissa just stare at each other blankly, silence permeating their existence in these four walls. Without another word, she just pours him a cup of coffee, spooning in a little sugar before sliding it towards him.

Joseph, to his credit, reads that something is wrong, terribly wrong. There’s no anger on Melissa’s face, not even a twinge of sadness. The few times she was awake when he got home, she wouldn’t even look at him, just frown, but now, nothing. Sipping his coffee, he accepts the fate that comes at him like a fastball.

Before he even fully sits down across from her, she speaks without breaking eye contact, “I want a divorce.”

Joe did not argue, he’d seen this long coming. He saw it when they told her parents they were engaged, how Annette had to purse her lips, Kristin Marie taking her sister aside to talk privately. He loved Melissa, for a time, but he knew she loved the non-existent obligation to him, and he drifted. Regrets of his behavior disappeared the less Melissa seemed to care. Their positions were identical; he is only her husband in name.

By the end of March, he was fully moved out and placing his key in the palm of her hand. Pausing his steps, he turns back to Melissa, pressing a short kiss to her cheek, “I hope you find what you need.”

July is Melissa’s favorite month. No school starting or ending, no prep days just yet, not even a single manilla folder on the coffee table. Just Melissa, Cabernet, and the sunlight. She felt content under the sun, warming her skin and making the freckles across her chest and shoulders bloom. When Barbara invited her to the beach, she almost said no, until the mention of a private beach hut and bottomless margaritas.

By the second marg, the cackles coming from the hut could be heard from the waterfront, not that the two women cared. The third, and beginning of the fourth, the conversation went from silly to serious, both women speaking in not-so-hushed voices.

“He just didn’t care. I said I wanted a divorce, and all I got was okay. Was expecting some sort of fight,” Melissa says as she plays with the pink umbrella in her drink.

Barbara’s head drops to the side, “to be fair, dear, you weren’t really in it anymore either. You can’t seriously think he couldn’t pick up on that.”

“Wasn’t expecting a screaming match or anything, just a talk. I tried making it work, he’s the one who was out and about with Nina.”

“Melissa Ann,” Barbara starts, “you have been mentally checked out of that marriage before you even walked down the aisle. I’ve known you seven years, and I’m sorry, but it’s been clear you didn’t love him anymore. If you ever did.”

The redhead stares at Barbara with a heavy look, “what do you mean by that?”

“I’d like to think I know you well. And knowing you means I see you, see you as you are. That man, any man, is not what you long for.” Putting her drink on the table, Barbara reaches over to grab Melissa’s hand, squeezing it lovingly, “you look more in love in those university photos that you do in your wedding ones.”

Melissa fiddles with her fingers, “I’ll never have that back, I’m too late. It’s too late.”

“It’s not. Not too late to give yourself the space to see yourself, to find who makes you happy,” she reassures her friend. The tears threatening to spill from Melissa’s eyes make her tug her in for a hug, “you will be okay. And you won’t be alone.”

—☽—

Elaine stands from the table slowly, avoiding Melissa’s eyes as she mumbles a bye and leaves the bar. Six months down the drain, all because Melissa wasn’t ready to move in, just barely having given the woman the code to the door so she could let herself in. She’d called Melissa scared and a child, but what hurt the most, a coward. The redhead didn’t even dignify her with a real response, just saying if you’re done, then go. I won’t stop you.

Sipping the last of her drink, Melissa pays the tab for her vodka soda and the cosmopolitan Elaine had, telling the bartender to keep the change as she leaves to walk home. Walking the three miles home wasn’t going to be fun, but she could maybe clear her head, definitely get tired enough to fall asleep on the couch.

Ten minutes into her journey, a voice from nearby was calling out, catching Melissa’s attention immediately.

“Bosco! C’mon, inside time!” The laugh that follows stops Melissa in her tracks, another call of Bosco has her walking quickly to find the source. Under a streetlight, she pauses.

Across the street, in a little fenced yard, was a Brittany spaniel doing laps around the yard, darting and dashing away from the owner. Giggles filled the yard as the dog and owner seemingly played tag, the collar jingling in tandem with the laughter. Green eyes trail away from Bosco. You.

You look the same you had the last she saw you, apart from your hair being longer, smile lines a little deeper. Melissa can’t help it, eyes going to your hands, scanning for rings she doesn’t find. No wedding band, but especially, no constellation. Had you gotten married and divorced like her? Were you just the kind to not wear your ring? She doesn’t think so. Are you happy? You look happy, she hopes you’re happy. How long have you been here? Only two miles from her? Last she knew, you left Philly to no-one-would-tell-her-where.

She watches you stop running, hands on your knees as you speak breathily, “alright, for real. Inside time, Bosco baby!” Tears spring to her eyes as your grin grows, watching your dog gallop towards you and almost knock you over. “Oh, you’re excited to watch Living Single, huh? Let’s go.” Melissa watches Bosco trot next to you as you disappear behind the door, from her.

A watery smile crosses her lips, you were still watching the show you watched together nearly every night. Melissa still remembers the nights where you would play with her hair, twirling it around your fingers as she sunk into your chest, pressing soft kisses to her head as you giggled at something Khadijah said to Max. Those nights were her only sense of comfort, and for years, the mere memory would make her heart quake.

Pressing on, she keeps on her way home. Instead of falling asleep when she finally gets to her couch, Melissa turns on Living Single and curls against the arm of the couch, nudging her nose into plastic-wrapped fabric. She can almost smell the incense and mint gum.

For the next couple of weeks, Melisa takes it upon herself to go on more walks. Walks to the deli, to the bar, to the coffee shop, even to the park. Occasionally, there are days where she takes the longer path, one that passes the fenced yard of a brick building. To her dismay, she has yet to see you. Part of her panics, thinking that you may have seen her and were avoiding being seen. The rational part reminds her that you have a life. Luck just seems to be running low.

On a chilly Thursday, however, she stares at her feet to keep the wind from making tears and smudging her eyeliner. The clacking of steps on the pavement and jingling of a collar brings her eyes up, a familiar spaniel practically tugging against the blue leash. Bosco looks at Melissa’s still form, and starts pulling harder, trying desperately to meet a new friend.

“BoBo,” you almost whine, looking up from the grocery list on your phone, “hell you doing bud-”

Stopping in your tracks, your arm jerks as your dog pulls, but you stay in place. Wide eyes meet, and all either of you can do is stare. With a huff, Bosco pulls again, forcing you closer to Melissa. Nudging her hand, he begs to be pet, forcing her hand on top of his head.

You swallow the lump in your throat, speaking quietly, “you can pet him.”

Wordlessly, without taking her eyes off of you, her nails scratch gently at the dog’s head. Your own eyes flick around her face, only quickly dipping to where her hand pets Bosco. No ring. Shaking your head, you look back up.

“Melissa,” you say with a little nod. The corner of her lips turns up at hearing her name from you. “How are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good…” She clears her throat, “how are you?”

“Yeah, good. You still teaching?”

A little smile stretches across her face, “second grade, over at Abbott in West. Eleven years, almost, now.”

“That’s nice, Abbott’s nice. Micah’s daughter’s starting there next year,” you say, fidgeting with the leash in your hands.

A surprised laugh leaves her, “Micah’s got a kid? Jesus…”

“I know,” you chuckle, “the man who still ties his shoes with bunny ears.”

Bosco takes the second of silence to hop up on Melissa, front paws going to her chest as he tries to sniff and lick her face. The motion shocks Melissa, who only manages a little oof! You’re quick to move, stepping close to hold under his arms and gently pull him back towards you, still hopping and trying to get to Melissa.

“Dude, what the hell?” You say, looking down at your dog, before quickly going back to Melissa, “I’m sorry about him. New people are apparently chew toys to him.”

“It’s okay,” she replies with a smile, she’s more than okay right now. Entirely stunned by the newfound closeness, the time passing around only really hits her as a car honks at a bicycle in the street, insecurity crawling in. Clearing her throat, she adds, “I- uh- it was nice seeing you.”

The little smile falls from your lips, “oh… Okay, yeah. Nice seeing you, Mel. Sure I’ll see you around.” With a little frown, you gently tug Bosco’s leash, him immediately walking with you.

Melissa turns quickly and starts to follow you, almost running to catch up. “Wait, wait. That came out wrong. I didn’t mean go, I just- it is nice to see you,” she speaks through little pants. “Would you wanna get coffee or a drink sometime? Catch up? Only if you want to,” she rushes the last part, trying not to seem as desperate as she is.

And there it is. The little grin she loved so much, had missed so much. You try to suppress it, but it’s entirely impossible. “Whiskey sours?”

—☽—

Whiskey sours. Coffee. Meeting at Wawa for lunch. Diner pancakes for supper. It was small, and then it was damn near every day for weeks on end. Time had taken the anger she had last seen in you, replaced with sheer nerves, and now comfort once again. Melissa slowly gives in and shares little things, trying to gain your trust. The lack of any Joe-mention was telling enough, as if no ring wasn’t practically shouting. To be subtle or to not be subtle, that is the question. But this is Melissa Ann Caterna Schemmenti.

“Random question.”

“Potential random answer,” you reply through a bite of your burrito.

Melissa mulls over her words, “is six months together not stupid soon to move in with someone? My ex called me a child for saying no fucking way.”

“Personally, yeah. Knowing you, even bigger yeah. Clearly didn’t know you well enough to be moving in with you.”

Melissa nods as she wipes her lips with a napkin, “no, she clearly did not.”

The pause of your chewing only lasts a brief moment before you look up, “her loss.” There’s no hiding the blush that covers Melissa’s face.

Through lunch, and the subsequent walk to finish the never ending conversation, neither of you really want to leave the other. Every topic carries to another, nearly twelve years apart coming undone the closer you sit. You fumble through inviting her over, with the mention of thinking you have the ingredients for sours, as if you hadn’t bought everything the night before.

Late into the night, with the TV low and Bosco curled in his bed, you rest against the arm of the couch. Melissa keeps her legs tucked to her chest, chin resting on her knees as her eyes struggle to focus on the screen. Sitting here with you, it’s so hard to not want to be held by you, it feels almost second nature. The churning in her mind makes her entirely unaware of the attention on her.

Shifting, you rest your back against the arm, putting one foot down on the floor. A socked foot pokes Melissa, making her jump slightly. Prehnite eyes flick towards you, quickly scanning over your position. She bites her inner cheek, eyes meeting yours in silent question. The answer she receives is a weak attempt to reach for her, too lazy to say anything.

Lightning quick, Melissa lays on top of you, taking her place in the warmth of your neck. Your arms wrap around her snuggly, holding her as if she would disappear. She feels your nose nudge her hair, a little movement against her forehead feels like a smile, one that matches her own. Gently, with a butterfly's touch, Melissa pressing a short kiss to the column of your throat before resting again.

She loves you. She does, she does, she can.

i’ve got a doctorate in projecting

if you’re looking for a longer form of a similar concept then please, if u haven’t, read the entwined series by @lot-of-nothing it is INCREDIBLE i’m speechless

feedback appreciated as always <3

#melissa schemmenti x reader #melissa schemmenti #lisa ann walter #abbott elementary #lgbtq fanfiction #lesbian #lgbtq

[medicinemane]

"DIY tiny home you can build in weeks", ok... now lets see the cost

...seven and a half minutes later, the answer is $75k... so when you include land and all the rest of it, so basically nothing right?

This is my problem with tiny homes stuff, it's for rich people

#and as much as I'm pro home ownership since like... my house is pretty much what's made my life feasible #like I know two things for a fact; we don't have room to give every last person a house #(especially if they're basically one bedroom sized things dotting the land) #and not everyone even wants to own a home #but like... lets say that everyone did want to own a place... we can't even do single family stuff let alone infinite tiny homes #so you'd need to have at least some homes in the form of basically owned units in an apartment complex which... sounds like condos #and so... I legit don't even come close to having the answer for this #but the sad thing is... a commie block kind of beats a tiny home if we're honest I think #not even in some like... brutalist dystopian shoving people together kind of way #like I think I'd rather live in a well maintained commie block style apartment than in one of infinite tiny homes doting the land #I really really really like tiny homes as a concept... but every time you look at them you realize... it's all for rich people #and half of them are just gentrified trailers or closet sized apartments getting dressed up by an architect to up the price #like I'm not even trying to shit on this company cause like I'm for assembly line style home production #especially compared to the cheap shit we throw up now; it makes me with I could puke in anger and disgust at it #they showed clips to contrast with of a home being tossed up and the shit materials they use disgust me #seeing massive... whatever you call those new home blights... communities I guess; springing up they always look like they're made of trash #so yeah... I like this building style better than shitty single family homes 'from the low 300s' #but I think that these people are either doing a sales pitch; missing the big picture; or both when they talk about this #like this can't fix the housing crisis cause... one no one can afford shit even if it's... lets say $175k; that's a lot to ask most people #but two is it won't work long term to just dot a million little houses across the land #cause quite apart from finding all that land; think of all the electric grid and water infrastructure you have to lay #(or are these people expected to be able to afford solar and all that? cause... they ain't poor if they're doing that) #(and I'd kind of like poor people to not be screwed by the housing problems we have; the rich can get bent honestly) #I like living on my own in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere; I wouldn't want someone right next to me #so I'm literally the kind of person people bitching about rural folks is bitching about; so know that's not what I'm saying #but let's be honest... we need better and cheaper urban infrastructure and we need less suburbs and housing communities #and that's where the solution is gonna lie; not in reinventing the single family home (or smaller) #eh... I really really really like tiny homes and think they're neat... but I can't help but see they're rich people play things #...and that's my thoughts on this #it's kind of like how solar is nice and all... but just a few good nuclear plants would be a better solution than solar on every roof

[sgiandubh]

Legit dumbfuckery

I have mentioned this person in the comments of my last post, she did not disappoint, Thus, I shall make an exception to the rule I set myself and mention her handle:

In doing so, she confirms what I have been thinking from the very start, that she probably was BIF's Anon. An Anon trying to make her claim more credible by closely copying Getty's legends of their pics.

The pic she showed this fandom is not, however, included in the Getty database:

It comes from another source, as yet undisclosed.

The pic comes complete with the usual shite slinging to the shipper community. This time, after explaining C was splendiferous (she was, but that left eye did betray stress, LOL) and McElusive was invited as well, she starts ranting about shippers being 'much more insecure with the narrative they created, thus bringing us much fun.' Plus of course, 'SAM HEUGHAN" (no need to shout, lady, this is not your favela), the real obsession at stake, 'who is at home, only thing is we don't know whose home, since nobody does for months or years'.

In the process, she calls shippers jumentos. This means donkey, but it also means:

... jackass, imbecile, stupid. Wow, really? Wow.

And then, karma is a bitch:

Somebody pops in, with a common sense 'that doesn't look like T. to me...'?

The answer is monumental: she was in doubt, you know, but hey, 'based on the glasses' she thinks it's him. But 'even if it's not him, he's still her husband'.

Please take a bow. I mean, you have to, it's mandatory. It is, after all, based on the glasses.

A model that millions wear everyday.

We could try this universally acknowledged truth to other life situations:

Based on the glasses, the Sun revolves around Earth.

Based on the glasses, a river runs through it.

Based on the glasses, everything's going to be alright.

From now on, every time I am in doubt about anything, I'd pick the most convenient choice, based on the glasses.

I was just about to push the publish button and I saw this:

Ahem:

Thank you, Gods of Coincidence. Or, perhaps...?

You know, based on the glasses...

#fandom #shitshow

[lover-of-mine]

I'm gonna start this off by saying that this has been ping-ponging around my head like that old dvd screensaver, quicking around and getting more unhinged every time it hit a corner since April. And while this is a meta on the cemetery scene in Death and Taxes, I will be going back and forth in the whole show, so I don't know, buckle up, grab your delusional juice, and come with me if you feel like it.

First thing about that scene is that it tries to make you think about the equine therapy conversation in Dumb Luck.

They are in a location we have never seen before and probably will never see again, the outfits are similar, and even the circumstances of the conversation could be read as close to each other, considering Eddie wasn't doing well after almost dying, Buck is definitely not handling his death well. I made a way too detailed meta about the cinematography of buddie during Eddie's breakdown era (you can read it if you want more details) but the main thing about the dumb luck conversation is that Eddie is finally letting Buck in after continuously shutting him down when he tried to offer help and that's reflected on the way they filmed the scene, the way they are talking, moving, positioned in the frame. It's about Buck reminding Eddie that there's hope after all. Considering the moment Buck's in, with them alluding to that conversation, you would've expected for them to do a similar thing with Buck, right? That this scene going to give Buck the same type of peace the equine therapy talk gave Eddie.

But it doesn't. One thing that's kind of a pattern with Buck, Eddie, and Eddie reassuring Buck (if you could call 2 scenes a pattern) is that they have Buck looking up at Eddie (I also talked about this in more detail here if you're interested) but that's interesting because of Buck's height, he's the tallest person in the room, so he's not usually looking up at people, but something about Buck as character is that he has the tendency to sit in higher places, so he's always higher, and he even picked a place where he can sleep in a high spot.

But when he's getting reassurance from other people in his life, they are both usually sitting down, at the same eye level.

But when he goes to Eddie for reassurance, Eddie is standing up and Buck is sitting down, so Buck is literally looking up at Eddie when he goes to Eddie for advice. And Eddie is always focused on Buck, in Home and Away, Eddie is reasoning with him, and in Recovery Eddie is trying to give Buck what Buck is asking while not pushing his boundaries.

Why is that relevant here? Well, Buck spends the whole conversation in the cemetery trying to get Eddie to look at him and Eddie spends most of the conversation looking forward so he won't have to.

And that alone is very interesting because Eddie is always looking at Buck. I could legit put 100 screenshots here to prove it. So the fact that Eddie can't look at Buck here, means something. Because Buck wants Eddie to be on his side, he needs Eddie to tell him he's doing the right thing, but the way he's talking is making Eddie shut down.

Buck wants answers, right? He wants the easy way out. He died, he has feelings about it he doesn't want to deal with, so he's looking for whatever answers he can get so he won't have to. But the way he's talking sounds a lot like the way Eddie talks to him in Kids Today when he drops Christopher off with him before the tsunami. Very you're alive, get over it thing Eddie had going that ended with him literally destroying everything he had. So, like, we know that's not the way to go about near-death experiences, it doesn't end well because the pressure has to go somewhere and let's face it, Buck has never dealt with anything that happened to him ever. He can't just keep moving past the shit he's been through, at some point, that's gonna catch up to him.

But the thing about the actual content of the conversation is the way that Eddie tries to do the thing he usually does, reason with Buck, "been down that road, don't recommend it" or "or you don't know her the way he does" or "now am I allowed to ask how you are", because it's how they work, but Buck shuts him down with the "I feel like she sees me, like she really sees me for who I am" because that threw Eddie off balance in their relationship, in their friendship really, considering they way they showed us buddie from in a flash to mixed feelings, Eddie is trying his best to be someone Buck relies on, the way we've seen him rely on Buck through his trauma recovery. And one thing we see Eddie constantly do is back away so he won't get hurt once things get too intense. He puts space between him and whatever is bothering him, he ran to LA to escape his parents' judgment (and to be closer to Shannon but his parents played a part there), he kept Shannon at arm's length through most of the time she was back in his life before she died, he kept pushing Buck away after the lawsuit, he pushes everyone away really before his PTSD took him down. Dude retreats from the fight if he's not sure and Buck throws him off balance. Because up until this moment, Eddie thinks he's helping, but we see him realize he was wrong and shut down in real time.

He's still trying, but his thing now is agreeing with Buck. This gif has 11 seconds, black and white because I wanted the whole thing in one gif, but Buck is trying to get a reaction out of him, but Eddie already moved to a whatever you say buddy mode. AND EDDIE JUST WON'T LOOK AT BUCK.

So Buck wants to know if he's doing the right thing, Eddie is agreeing with him not because he agrees with him but because now he thinks that whatever he's doing is not helping so putting distance between them will be what's best because Buck is getting what he needs somewhere else so he needs to minimize the damage to himself.

And the distance thing is something that stays until the end of the season, because during the first half of 6B, they are together the whole time, mixed feelings being obviously the biggest example, but they made a point of highlighting the fact that they were very close outside the firehouse, just to stop. They were chilling at Buck's loft, they were out and about scheming the fire captain, Buck looked more comfortable at Eddie's than he did in his own place. But then we don't even see them together in the hospital after the bridge. Like, there's s p a c e now.

And I spent a really long time trying to figure out what was going on with this scene that made such an impression on me, and it's that Buck doesn't sound like someone who believes in what they're saying, he sounds like someone who's justifying themselves and hoping they are doing the right thing. And Eddie doesn't really let him get away with this line of thought, not usually, but he does now, so they leave that conversation with different impressions of how it went. Buck thinks he's right and Eddie is just backing the fuck off.

And a while back it downed on me what other scene this made me think of. And that's the fountain scene in merry ex-mas.

They are even shot in a similar way, the off-center wide angle, the close-up from a side angle where you can see the other one slightly blurry, the focus of the conversation angled toward the front of the frame, everything happening in an outside location we will never probably see again, the way they are not looking at each other. And the conversation is similar too, I mean, sure they are not talking about dying but it is a big decision in Eddie's life that sounds like Eddie is justifying himself and needs Buck to agree with him. And Buck is agreeing with him, and not talking about it even though we KNOW he has opinions because he kept trying to talk about it with Chimney because Buck doesn't think it's his place to have an opinion and offer it to Eddie. Both scenes sound like they are talking and understanding each other but what the scene is showing us is that they are not.

And something about the way they are pretty much never looking at each other is that it is a way to show they are not seeing eye to eye in a situation, the most extreme example I can think of it is when Eddie drags Buck out of bed in Kids Today because they are pretty much never looking at each other there.

But to have them face the same direction is a really easy way to make you feel like something is wrong, especially if they are not moving, because if they are standing in the same spot for 3 minutes they could've turned to face each other, but they don't, because the message here is that they are not really seeing each other. And that in a conversation where Buck is talking about being seen by someone else????? Like, come on, that's so on purpose.

I also wanna add a take that's not mine, all credit to @anxieteandbiscuits for putting this particular thought in my head with this post, that's basically about how the "dating someone you rescued? that never ends well" line might also be another justification for why Eddie chooses to stay quiet. Because one thing is true, and that is that buddie do be rescuing each other. And it really sounds like something Eddie would do, to justify to himself not doing something that could make him lose Buck any way he could, because romantic relationships are very unstable, no matter how much you want it to work, how much you love each other, there's a very real level of unpredictability in a romantic relationship that doesn't exist in their friendship. So to imagine him going "the friendship is good, the friendship is what I need, I won't do anything to change that because I don't have to and it probably wouldn't end well with our track record anyway" makes a lot of sense too.

If you made it to here, I love you <3

I have more metas here if you feel like reading more of my brand of insanity.

#this is long #i went off wow sokaoskaoksaoks #anyway #911 #911 meta #thoughts thoughts thoughts #lets pray this makes me stop thinking about the cemetery scene #it wont but a girl can dream lol #at this point i should have a cemetery tag lol #buddie thoughts

[prideofcelestia]

❝you are so engrossed in your work that you ignore him without meaning to❞

« characters - mammon, leviathan, satan, asmodeus, beelzebub, belphegor »

« gender neutral reader »

« headcanons »

MAMMON

He’s legit offended. His entry wasn’t quiet, you know? On top of that, he raced to your room before Asmo could come and blabber about how Mammon has a huge crush on you. The moment Mammon makes his appearance, he begins saying how he doesn’t like you, and that you must be too full of yourself to believe that the Great Mammon will ever fall for his servant, aka you. How can you not be concerned about that?! Now, he is worried that you don’t care enough about him to notice his words.

Wait! Are you actually angry at him…?

Letting go of his tsundere nature, he grabs your shoulders, gives you a good shake, and cries about how he truly and deeply loves you. Don’t ignore your first man, human!

LEVIATHAN

You always look and feel so moe! Playing a game beside you is the best! He manages to win a few levels before the silence bothers him, and he begins talking about the latest anime convention he’s excited about. When you tell him to shush without even looking at him, he feels pain equivalent to what an otaku feels at the loss of their most precious figurine. Completely hollow with no will to continue living. What did he do to deserve your mistreatment? Did you not read the manual, ‘The way to act around Leviathan 404’ that he specially wrote and printed for you? Point 100 clearly mentions that the Grand Admiral of Hell’s Navy is fragile and needs to be treated with care, especially when the person concerned is his Henry. You’re still his Henry, right? If yes, forfeit all mortal possessions and love him before he summons Lotan.

SATAN

He’s quick to notice that you’re engrossed in your work, and decides to wait for you to finish before mentioning his business. Being a busy demon himself, he respects that you have your own life outside offering therapy sessions to the brothers. It is only when he sees you grinning at your D.D.D even after a while has passed that he starts hearing a tick in his ears. Surely Satan isn’t so invisible that you can completely ignore his presence even though he’s standing mere feet away from you.

Were you… texting Lucifer? Of course not. That will be bizarre! He tries to calm down and decides to be diplomatic. If his coughs don’t get your attention, hopefully a table-shaped hole in your wall will.

ASMODEUS

He’s followed by a trail of your favourite fragrance.

“Oh [Name], look at me! I look more radiant than I did this morning. Don’t you just want to kiss me? If I could, I would never stop cuddling myself!”

When no answer comes, he pouts and takes a seat beside you. Eyeing what you’re working on, he inches closer to you, wraps an arm around you and whispers in your ear.

“[N-A-M-E] honey, why don’t you look at me for now? I am more attractive than your homework.”

“Not now, Asmo. A failing grade will be less attractive than you too so I must prevent that!”

“But your Asmo-chan needs you!”

“And I need to pass,” you say and push him away.

Asmo is hell bent on starting a line of lipstick that comes with homework notes engraved on the side of the tube. That way, you can admire the product, and more importantly him while also revising for your test.

BEELZEBUB

He drops by your room because he misses being close to you. He’s content being there, munching on snacks that he brought for the two of you. The silence is comfortable and he's happy to see you working hard. It's only when he has consumed his share that he looks at you with sad puppy dog eyes. [Name], complete your work fast or nothing will be left! He doesn’t really want to disturb you because you have a serious look on your face but he can’t control his hunger any longer, so he ventures to ask.

“[Name], here, I brought some food for you. Why don't you take a break and eat first?”

“Beel, did you say something? Sorry bubs, but I am busy. Can we talk later?”

He gulps once before eating all the food. Once you finish your work, you better give him head pats and console him, saying how you don’t think that he’s just a glutton and that you’re not mad that he ate everything. He tried this time. He really did.

BELPHEGOR

He enters your room with a flourish, closing the door shut more noisily than is needed. Look up and invite him to lie on your lap, like you usually do. When you don’t move and continue with your task, Belphie sulks and lies down beside you on the bed. He steals a glance at what you are doing because he’s extremely jealous of whoever or whatever is taking up your time. Time that should have been used to pamper him. Let it be! Sooner or later, you are bound to get tired, and then you will see him and offer to run your warm hands through his hair. When that moment never arrives, he gets up moodily, and tries to lie on your lap by force.

“Belphie, what are you doing?! I am busy right now.”

“And I am tired,” he says and somehow manages to get his head on your lap. Good luck getting your work done with him restraining you to that spot.

#obey me #gender neutral reader #obey me x reader #gender neutral mc #obey me x mc #obey me! #shion script #obey me headcanons #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #x mc #x reader

[acotar-taylorsversion]

More Recent Thoughts and What Not

So, I've been thinking about Lucien a lot lately. I don't hate him, so don't come at me, but sometimes I just feel that there were a couple of reasons why Sarah made him Elain's mate. I'm an Elriel girly for life and nothing and no one but Sarah saying otherwise will convince me that they aren't endgame. That being said, I think that Sarah made him Elain's mate as 1) Elain and Az's "obstacle" and 2) a way for him to stay relevant so she could use him in the overall plot. I mean, think about it. Feysand and Nessian both had these "obstacles" that kept them from getting together right away and Elain's bond with Lucien is a big reason why Az hasn't pursued her or thought more about a future with Elain. Why would he get his hopes up if he doesn't know how Elain truly feels about Lucien? He said himself in the bonus chapter. Elain was more than willing to kiss and perhaps go further and Az said that they had never gone that far. AND HE NEVER ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT THEIR ALMOST KISS WAS A MISTAKE! HE FORCED HIMSELF TO SAY THAT BECAUSE RHYS WAS THERE AND WAS DEMANDING AZ TO STOP! Anyways, but yeah. And I know that Sarah orginally planned for Lucien and Nesta to get together but instead made Nesta end up with Cassian because of how perfect they were when she first wrote them in a scene together. But she needed a way for Lucien to be relevant to the plot, because let's be honest, I saw no place for Lucien after Feyre chose to stay in the night court. I actually forgot all about him until he showed and tried to take Feyre away. I think she always intended for Lucien to be involved with Vassa, but how would he have known about her if he didn't leave the Spring Court with Feyre because of Elain. Elain was the only reason he left with Feyre. Elain was the only reason Lucien didn't blow Feyre's cover the entire time she was back and I don't think that he would have been as close to her as he was if it weren't for the promise of offically meeting Elain. Even being Helion's son hasn't really done anything for the plot, yet. Do you guys see where I'm going with this? I don't know. LOL. The Eluciens might think I'm crazy!

And I want to say that Elain does not owe Lucien anything. Her silence is an answer in itself. I mean, she was about to kiss Az and do God knows what else with him in foyer of the river house while Lucien slept upstairs. She just doesn't care or doesn't care enough to consider him in moments like that. Clearly, time away from him does not affect her and he seems to be just fine away from her as well. Yes, he's being respectful by not pressuring her, but he can also take a hint. I don't think she'd be offended if he never got her a gift again until they both make the decision to accept the bond. And I don't see that happening. I just don't.

It's also suspicious how their bond was instantly recognized. Like feysand and nessian's bond took time to snap but Lucien instantly knew? And why can Az smell it and no one else can? Amren smelled feysand's but she's different and no body else could smell it until they accepted it. Elain and Lucien have not accepted it so what's going on there? Eluciens and gwynriels can call us crazy all they want to but we have legit questions. I still stand by my opinion about how Az acts more like Elain's mate than Lucien does.

Also, can I just say how much I hate all the hate the inner circle is getting on tik tok? Like, I'm sorry. I know we are all entitled to our own opinions but if you hate Feyre and Rhys so much that you create a 10 page slide show about how much they need to die and how horrible they are, then you don't deserve the series anymore. Why are you still reading it? Sarah has stated that Rhys is her favorite and feysand will always be the center of everything so they aren't going anywhere.

Same goes for all the Nesta and Cassian hate. Like wtf? NO. I will absolutely not put up with hate for either one of them for any reason. They are my favorite couple, like more than elriel and that's saying something. I waited years for their book and I am absolutely disgusted that people want her to break her bond and get with ERIS?! That is an insult to Cassian.

Let's see. What else? During my reread of Silver Flames, I realized that all the signs of Gwyn being a lightsinger or having some type of power are there from the moment we meet her. Both Nesta and Az and his shadows all react to her powers, which involve singing and music in some way. I noticed that she is always singing, too. I get the feeling that most of Gwyn's arc was not only proving to herself, but to everyone around her, that she's strong and capable. I think Az triggered something in her and she wanted to prove to him that she's not that girl that he saved anymore. You know? Also, when Nesta described her smile, it was said "Nesta couldn't explain the way she sensed that there was something else mixed into her. Some secret beneath that pretty face." This reminded me of the infamous quote of Az thinking of Gwyn's smile "a thing of secret, lovely beauty." Why are they associating secrets with Gwyn? I have so many questions and I need Sarah to explain ASAP. Like legit questions, someone explain it to me.

What do you guys think?

Now, I know that some gwynriels and eluciens might see this, and that's ok! I am open to discussions as long as they are civil, in the comment section or a message or an ask.

#acotar #elain archeron #elriel #pro elriel #azriel shadowsinger #nessian #lucien vanserra #gwyneth berdara #anti el*cien #feysand

[woso-dreamzzz]

i feel like alba taking bambi is a bit extreme. hear me out! like yes ofc caring for one kid more than the other is bad!! but with the whole ale forgetting bambi at daycare it’s like what parent hasn’t forgot to pick up their kid once. like does that make sense like i feel like especially because it happend only once and she was at her job when she forgot that shouldn’t warrant alba legit taking her daughter away from her? like it just wasnt THAT big of a deal like ofc it’s not good but i think alba is reacting a bit over the top about it. idk maybe my perspective is different, but what do you think? id love to hear your opinion as the writer

I don't think you guys understand just how much I love answering these kinds of asks. Also, sorry in advance because this is going to be a lot of psych ramble but genuinely parent-child relationships and their impacts are actually so fascinating to me

So, the whole Alexia forgetting Bambi thing would be a big escalation if that was the only reason Alba had for removing Bambi from her home. It looks like the only reason but there were a lot of other things that Alba would have noticed when she got Bambi from nursery.

So, first of all, what Alexia's been doing is emotional neglect. Compared to other forms of neglect, emotional neglect is one of the harder ones to recognise because it's not as obvious as something like physical neglect.

The signs are very subtle and it's difficult to notice if you're not a child's primary caregiver.

From Bambi's perspective, she's been shoved to the side a bit since Jaume was born. She was never really close to Olga so she can cope with that in a sense (not that she should have to) but Alexia's disregard for her definitely hits hard.

It's a lot of little things built up onto each other. In Injured IV, when Alexia comes home she immediately greets Olga and Jaume but doesn't even spare Bambi a look. Bambi stays under that coffee table for quite a while in the hope that Alexia will notice she's not there and look for her but she never does.

She also mentions when Jaume isn't 'being good' then she doesn't get things like a bedtime story or cuddles at bed which is essentially her equating Jaume crying with the fact that Alexia yet again forgetting about her and that his needs trump her own.

There's also the fact that all of Bambi's individual pictures have been changed to ones of her and Jaume which leads to her thinking that she's only worth anything if her brother is attached to it. Similarly, all of the pictures she drew have been taken off the fridge in favour of a photo of Olga, Alexia and Jaume. Even when she lets Alba put her drawing up in Injured IV, she places it on the side of the fridge where it won't be seen as clearly.

Bambi also learnt how to cry quietly. When Kids are younger they can't communicate their feelings properly and crying loudly gets the attention of a caregiver so they can receive comfort. Bambi's learnt to cry quietly because she knows that no one will come to give her comfort if Jaume is also crying even though there are two adults in the house, one for each of them.

Emotional neglect really builds on a child as young as Bambi and causes effects like low self-esteem, depression and anxiety and in more extreme cases failure to thrive and Bambi, sadly, is on track for all of them.

Now, that's all from Bambi's perspective and, of course, Alba can't know all of that because she's not Bambi's primary caregiver.

She can only go off on what she can see. What she knows for sure, at first, is that Alexia and Olga have both forgotten Bambi.

That isn't what makes her take Bambi though.

She gets a notification from the Barca account saying that they're meeting their youngest teammate and it's got a picture of Alexia, Olga and Jaume so it's not like both of them were super busy and that's why they forgot Bambi.

There's also the change in routine that Bambi mentions. She used to get a new train every week and when Alba mentions that, she finds out that Bambi hasn't received a new train in weeks (more like months) which is a massive deviation from an established routine.

There's also the celebration they watch on tv with Alexia winning the Copa de la Reina and all those pictures of her with Jaume and the cup and there's no hint at all that she realises Bambi isn't there with her.

There's obviously Bambi's reaction to that too and her tearing up the picture because she doesn't think it's real (bearing in mind that it's a picture of her, Alexia, Olga and Jaume as a family).

It's clear to Alba that something is going on and Bambi isn't doing well because she's been in such a sad mood since she picked her up and then Bambi hides herself away in her room and Alba can't get the door open.

It's a pretty big emotional outburst from Bambi and quite out of character to how she had been previously.

Honestly, everything is out of character from what Alba previously knows - both Alexia and Bambi and it's enough for her to think that perhaps the two need to be separated.

The anger from Injured IV comes in because it's been hours since the final ended and Bambi hid herself away compared to when Alexia, Olga and Jaume come home.

Throughout that entire time, Bambi wasn't even a thought. Alexia didn't even realise Bambi had been left at nursery until she got home which is hours after Alba had to cancel her own plans to get Bambi.

The anger probably escalated the situation a bit more than it needed to but Alba had hours to stew and piece everything together so Bambi's removal from Alexia was warranted once she'd put it all together.

That's all from Inured IV, not onto Injured V:

So childhood emotional neglect is especially impactful the younger a child is. Bambi is around 4 and she's at that age where she's beginning to understand her own and others emotions. Having a stable caregiver to help her work through this is crucial and she doesn't have that so there's a big chance that she'll be developmentally delayed because of it.

This, of course, could lead to big impacts down the road when she goes to school and makes friends and even when she gets older and develops adult relationships.

She's already got low self-worth and is trying to be too independent at too young an age because to her, nobody wants to pay attention to her.

In Injured V, she actually flinches away from Alexia when she tries to grab her because she's now used to being ignored by her mother and having Alexia suddenly wanting her is overwhelming and strange.

It's seen in Injured V how different Bambi is in Alexia's home vs Alba's home when she's genuinely excited to show Alba the picture she made because she's still in her developmental stage and is still able to adapt and come back from this - at least in a way that will have minimal impact on her emotional development and regulation.

Of course, we also find out that Bambi at least suspects that she wasn't as planned as previously thought. She knows Jaume was definitely planned but she's slowly finding out that she wasn't so that's another hit to her confidence. She equates how Jaume is being treated to him being wanted and how she's being treated to her not being wanted.

When Eli comes and all of this comes out, it's clear that this is deep rooted stuff.

As I said previously, emotional neglect is one of the forms of neglects that's hardest to notice. Alba has no way of knowing just how long this has been going on for and just how close this is to having extremely detrimental effects to Bambi's emotional development.

The low self-esteem is already there. She's nervous at the thought of seeing Alexia, Olga and Jaume so there's some anxiety setting in too. For all Alba knows, the depression could be next and if she had left Bambi there, the potential of failure to thrive is quite high too.

So, honestly, Alba removing Bambi was probably the best way to do it. With Bambi with Alba, she would know how she was doing and even if she had left Bambi there and explained what was happening to Alexia, there was always a chance that it could regress back to the neglect again even if Alexia promised to work on it.

Honestly, the standard practice for suspected emotional neglect should be to report it to child services so Alba is actually doing Alexia a favour by not getting them involved.

But, yeah, this is really long but those are essentially the thought processes of everyone 🤷‍♀️

#asks #Bambi

[luxthestrange]

Incorrect quotes#854 Reunited...

He gasps as if seeing a ghost... and drops what he was holding with a clatter, You stand some twenty paces ahead of him, blocking the path, And lets out an audible shudder upon seeing him...The One You fell in love even with the not-so-good moments before...your "death"

Mc*Rattled but holding your chin up*I know what you're going to say, How could I have done this? Stayed away all of this time, And why didn't I come back to you? To our home...

Your Demon steps towards You, wide-eyed and speechless, Cerberus emerges from the recesses behind You, growling protectively

Mc: Well, what sign did I have that you could change!? That anyone on In the House of Lamentation could?

Mc: I pleaded so many times to stop the fighting between you all, to find another answer, but did any of you listen?

Luke: This is why I will never marry!*Pouting, seeing you flustered and angry at the demon brother* This and one other reason...*You and Barbatos don't want him to grow up*

He continues to close the gap, mesmerized. With every step, You become increasingly flustered, And you back into the wall, with nowhere to go, and He is just a few paces away

Mc*Tearful but still hissing at him* I know that I left you alone... but I thought you be better off without me, And I was wrong, I see that now, but...

He gently reaches a hand toward your face

Mc: Oh stop being so stoic, You!?- Go on... SHOUT, SCREAM, SAY SOMETHING!

Him: You're as beautiful as the day I lost you...

His words snuff your retort, rendering you speechless, and you soften despite, yielding your cheek to his palm. He caresses your skin as a reluctant tear runs through his fingers.

He pulls you into you, You resist briefly, then gives in. Cerberus softly pleased to see you happy once again...

THIS WAS INSPIRED BY @obey-me-disaster ME DOING THIS IS LEGIT ME-

#obey me #obey me! #obey me mc #obey me x mc #obey me x gn!mc #obey me x reader #obey me x gn!reader #obey me! mc #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #lucifer x reader #mammon x reader #leviathan x reader #satan x reader #asmodeus x reader #beelzebub x reader #beelzebub x reader x belphegor #belphegor x reader #obey me angst #obey me fluff #obey me nightbringer mc #obey me nightbringer #obey me lesson 16 #obey me incorrect quotes #incorrect quotes

[vampirekangaroo]

So five thousand years later, for those who follow me, here is my Daredevil duo op. Life happened and I haven't been able to be around outside of basically liking posts here and there until today.

I'm kind of posting these completely backwards. Like when I tell y'all my nerves were SUPER high knowing I was going to meet Charlie, it was ridiculous. Like even talked to this guy in line about it and he was like you'll be fine. He was right. I was fine. Mostly. I met Jon Bernthal a couple of years ago, a super nice guy as well if you haven't met him. And I told him, they are gonna stand on the opposite side of their characters, I can feel it in my soul. Which I think is hilarious cause Jon's hand is covering up Daredevil's head a bit, which is slightly amusing as well.

But anywho. This is the photo I sent my friends like I SURVIVED, SEE. Well, I sent a picture of me holding the photo all SEE. I might see if I can find that to post here too lol. But here is my more in depth story about this. I walked in and Jon put his hand on my arm and leaned down and said, "Hey it's so nice to meet you, thank you for coming." And then was like okay you get here between us. And I legit was like OMG I CANNOT in my head. 1) because hello clearly the Punisher haircut. and 2) my mind was very OMG IT'S CHARLIE still. I've only ever had that experience one other time and it was with Garrett Dillahunt and Jenna Elfman. I might just start having random posts about my con experiences and tell these lovely stories after this. But for now, I'm gonna try to concentrate on this one and tell you this story.

Now let me explain my con experiences. I normally NEVER get two pictures with the same person at the same con. I've done maybe 5 group ops total ever, and I told myself don't buy this, you have the solo. But then I told myself, maybe you need the buffer between actually meeting him and the solo op and autograph line. Which y'all, I did. I really did. I'm not sure I would have been able to talk to him at his table if not. But I'm now rambling and telling mini stories throughout the actual big story moment.

The picture was taken of course and I was like okay I need to exit. Well, that is when Charlie did the same thing as Jon and took a second to put his hand on my arm. He also leaned down to thank me for being there and said, "It's so nice to meet you." And it was in that moment we are all lucky my ass didn't pass out. Cause I was thinking, "Holy shit your face is so close to my face and your accent and your eyes and Jesus please let me remain upright and not faint." And then of course I tried to exit the wrong way and I was like, "Oh right. Of course." I've always prided myself on following the arrows and whatnot but yeah I was too flustered, which I said out loud. And the photographer said, "I get it" and I said "it's hard not to be flustered around them? I mean my god." They laughed and smiled because of it but I was like OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU ADMIT THAT OUT LOUD? as I went to get the picture. And to answer that it's cause it's me and I'm too honest for my own good lol.

Meeting them both reminded me of meeting Jeffery Dean Morgan in all honestly. He too took time in both the ops I've had with him (though the one is with him and Norman). It's really special though when the person you're getting an op with takes the time to say those things. Mainly because those photo op lines are crazy so the fact they each took a second to say thanks just meant a lot. It always does, because at the end of the day it really is about the little things.

#charlie cox #daredevil #jon bernthal #the punisher #frank castle #matt murdock #conventions #atlanta comic con 2024 #ATL Comic Con 2024 #atlanta comic con

[ma3mae]

Hi, can I request? I'm actually doing an exam and yeah it almost finished but I didn't finished 100%. Can you do a scenario where the reader is overthinking about the exam that she submitted. When I didn't finished I was like overthinking that I'm useless, failed, worthless, etc. ( i did that because I thought I can upgrade this semester but turns out I'm failed.) Thankyou so much of you can write this thing for me! (Also can I get a cuddle from Chuuya 🥺🥺🥺)

"Exams are a hassle"

Summary: Exams have been stressing you out for weeks now so how does your boyfriend comfort you? (Chuuya x Reader)

Genre: plenty of fluff but also a bit depressing ^ anon request tells u why

Warnings: a bit of self loathing and sleep deprivation bc exams are the best booster for self confidence I FEEL U ANON

A/N: thank you for your request!! I hope this will somehow be able to lift you up 😩✋ you can do it, anon!! Soon you'll be done and then u can relax and enter bsd brainrot again. Also didnt proofread this bc im writing this in a car so the nausea is lowkey kicking in 😩😩 hope this doesnt seem rushed omggg

Part 2 : In sickness and health

Nakahara Chuuya

our cheeto boy finally coming home after a normal day work

Like comepletely annihilating a mini terrorist organisation LMAO 🤡

he comes home to find yourself on the same spot and legit same position on the couch he has last seen you like FKING 12 HOURS AGO???

is instantly baffled and worried because??

"Are you seriously STILL preparing for your exam?? Don't you need a break??"

he immediately shuts himself up tho as he just sees the dark bags under your eyes and the red eyes and oh no :((

a sniffle follows as you bury ur face into your hands and this BOY IS JUMPING across the room to get to you

Jk but hes instantly by your side and cradling you in his arms

h-his light? the love of his life??? HATING HERSELF???? BC OF AN EXAM?????

u know what that means 🚓🚓🚓🚓🚓🚓

Jk no jail

Hes gonna come at you WITH FACTS THO 😤✋

********

Exhaustion was weighting onto you like nothing else. Your eyes were hurting at this point from having to look at the same screen for weeks now, only taking breaks to go to the toilet or either drown yourself in energy drink or coffee.

Your boyfriend would often be absent because of his work and he'd support you as always. You saw the worry in his eyes and he would ask if you'd like his help or if there's anything he could do for you.

But you kept refusing him since he had already enough on his shoulders in your eyes. He was probably even more tired than you yet still managed to shine so brightly whenever he'd look at you with so much adoration in his eyes for you, no matter how horrible his day went.

Slowly but surely felt something bubbling up inside you.

"No... I can't deal with this right now." you tried to convince yourself as you swallowed the lump inside your throat.

You looked at the time on the screen of your PC, trying to see through the blur infront of your eyes.

3:47am

Fuck, you were tired. You just wanted to quit everything, cry yourself to sleep and finally be at peace but no. This shitty exam just had to be one of the most important events in your life and you really couldn't fuck this one up.

As you buried your face in your hands, you could faintly hear keys rustling outside the door.

No! I can't let him see me like this!

Yet your tears just wouldn't stop and soon enough you heard him enter.

"Hey, doll. What the hell, you're still awake? I told you to just go to sl-!"

You didn't want to answer him. No, you simply couldn't even if you wanted to.

Only mere seconds passed before you felt gloved hands grasp both of your hands.

"Sweetheart... Listen to me."

You merely shook your head as he watched your shoulders tremble.

Clicking his tounge, he lifted you up with ease, pulling a sudden yelp out of you.

"No, Chuuya. Please put me back, I have to g-"

"Y/N, just listen to me for one damn time."

How could you refuse him? When you could feel his warmth so close to you.

Yet your guilt was frankly consuming your whole being. You could hear it in his voice.

Was he angry? Annoyed?

Because of you?

You just wanted to get through this exam by yourself. How could you burden him when he had already enough on his own plate. He didn't need someome like you just adding more onto it.

"I'm sorry, Chuu..."

You felt him sit down onto the couch, the soft light of the screen illuminating the space.

"For what?" He whispered to you as he began to rub circles onto your back.

"It's just..."

A sigh escaped as you felt his hands grasp yours, finally letting him see you fully for the first time and yet the sight made your heart clench.

"No, none of that shit anymore, alright? If you want to rant about it then rant. If you want to cry about it then cry. But no way in hell can you expect me to sit back any longer. It already went on for long enough these past few weeks. You need a break, Y/N. "

There he was.

The love of your life, wearing his heart on his sleeve for you as he poured it out.

Always being honest with you and laying himself bare.

Its what made you fall in love with him but you couldn't deny that you envied that part of him too.

Yet he always managed to make it a part of you too with words alone.

"But I can't. I'm afraid, Chuuya. Afraid that I'll fail this. Because then what? I don't know what I'm supposed to do if the worst would happen. I just-!"

You couldn't see anything anymore. Eyes so blurry as you tried your best to look at him.

And he still managed to leave you breathless as he wiped your tears away, feeling as if you'd be looking at the sunrise itself.

Always giving the energy to let you see the next day.

"I just don't want to burden you. Anyone. Even myself. But what am I supposed to do? I feel so useless everytime I memorize something and I just keep forgetting it because I just don't want to fail. What should I just d-"

Soft lips met yours, a slight tinge of the cherry chapstick you had gifted him on your taste buds.

"You are not a burden, Y/N. Not to anyone, you or even me. I meant if for every time when I asked if I could help. Yet you would always tell me you'd want to do this yourself and if my girlfriend wants to do that then why shouldn't I let her? But everyone has their limit and you need to understand that. I know you've been crying yourself to sleep these past few weeks and I hated myself for letting something like this happen. "

He let his lips linger on your right cheek.

"It's okay to be afraid."

Linger on your left.

"It's okay to cry.

Linger on your forehead.

"But the last thing I'd let you do..."

And lastly return back to your lips.

"Is you feeling like a burden. Feeling useless and everything that comes with it because you are none of that."

You gently took his face into your hands, letting your shaken eyes gaze into his firm ones.

"But what if I fail?"

"You won't. I know you can do it. I've seen how you are, Y/N. Hell you're one of the strongest people I know. You'll stand up for what's right. Every time I come battered, bruised and everything else, you'd always be there to comfort me, tend to my wounds, even feed me when you have to. Your presence alone would make the weight vanish on my shoulders, yet you always carry it without any complaints. So let me do the same to you and help you. "

You tightly wrapped your arms around him, burying your face into his shoulder.

"But it's just an ex-"

"You better not fucking tell me that its JUST an exam. I'm not listening to any of that for tonight."

You felt his lips stretch into a smile as he buried his face into the crook of neck.

"Let's just go to bed and I'll help you rehearse everything, okay?"

"Are you sure about that? Is your patience gonna hold out long enough?"

You let out an "acK!" as he suddenly tightened his arms around you.

"Don't underestimate me, doll. You've seen what I can do so rehearsing for a puny exam won't be a challenge at all. So let's-!"

He lifted the both of you up with his ability, floating towards your bedroom.

"-just sleep already because we both deserve it after tonight, alright?"

You couldn't help but chuckle at his sudden silliness.

"Oi, what are you laughing at"

"No, nothing. Just appreciating my boyfriend, his handy power and the love he'd always give me."

"D-Don't be so sappy. Rest and save that energy for tomorrow."

"Hmm, oh well. But I still wanna say that I love you though."

"Out of nowhere... but I love you too. Always will."

*****

Anyway yall rehearse that shit together and ur boy being the one to take breaks bc bro wtf have u been learning???? This some science level shit?? But he gives u snacks, cuddles, support and everything you need

bro's gonna pamper you as soon as you finally had ur exam and you gotta restrain him from showering you with gifts bc of how happy he is

HIS future wife deserves the best after all 😤😤😤✋✋✋✋

if u tell him that he doesnt need to buy you so much and that you'd be happy with him just being there then oh...

dont expect him to hold back after being so cute 🤡 especially after yall havent done anything for weeks probably so time to catch up 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

#bsd x reader #chuuya x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #nakahara chuuya

[allbluemin]

Results and responses from the survey on the divergent opinions regarding the human/ape ship of the Planet of the Apes franchise.

🔍How old are you?

🔍Do you consume monster/human content?

🔍Fiction is a term that designates imaginary and unreal narratives, which is why many people tend to defend their works using this term. They state that everything is nothing more than fiction, so, as in the case in question, the ape/human relationship should not be problematized as it should not be compared to the real world. Do you agree with this statement?

🔍Leave a comment delving deeper into your previous answer.

🍎It should not be compared to the real world because anthropomorphized apes that talk and have human intelligence and characteristics are not real. We created them. A lot of fandom's arguments against a human/ape romance use real life morality, but they forget these are fictional humanized apes in a scifi/fantasy story. A story whose narrative and overall themes will inevitably force us to ask hard questions and explore weird ideas. And yes, that includes asking: "What would it mean for a human and ape in this story to get together?"🍎

🌼In general, I agree with the statement above, however, I think that any problem in literature can be considered as a possible problem in real life. Perhaps metaphorical or something else. So. I agree that it can be compared to real life, but I am against giving too much meaning to fictional reality. Literature is a way to speculate “what if?”, limiting this is stupid and harmful. It also indicates some problem or set of problems in real life and society.🌼

🌻Fiction shouldn't be trated with the same moral or ethical compass as reality. With this I don't mean fiction doesn't impact reality, but just that we can't treat them equally. Ficition impacts reality, but at the end of the day, apes like the ones in the movie aren't real, so there's not really a morally good or morally bad thing to want to fuck them (or not fuck them), and same with a ship involving apes.🌻

🍓Statement about that instance, yes but we can clearly see how fiction is affected by who its made of and how it in turn affects us. Women (characters) barely having roles in the past or having to fit into a certain mold and still doing so for example. Fiction does not exist in a vaccum.🍓

🍒I believe that while the kind of fiction that does affect reality, things such as racism and stereotypes, are a problem. Many works of fiction are simply fiction and do not affect reality in the way many assume it does.🍒

🍑Fiction is a great way to explore themes, metaphors, What Ifs, and a whole slew of situations. It doesn’t need to be good and pure—in fact, the really interesting stuff happens beyond that. Also, it’s just fun.🍑

🌷Literally nothing even close to resembling this ship could ever or will ever happen in real life. They’re literally not real. They don’t look like, talk like, think like real apes. How is it even problematic??🌷

🍁I don’t think that the statement “is just fiction” is legit everytime. But in this case i don’t see anythib wrong with that ship.🍁

🌾The apes aren't just regular apes like at a zoo, they have achieved sentience and have a whole society.🌾

🥑There are human ape kisses in the classic movies and nobody cared idk why people care now🥑

🥀Depends how unrealistic the ape is, too real ape is icky, king kong? perfectly fine🥀

🍇Apes are not fictional🍇

🔍Do you think the ape/human ship is different from a monster/human ship?

🔍Could you elaborate on an answer to the previous question?

🌼I think that the ape/human ship is xenophilia. I don't think the apes in the film can fit into the term "monster", so I refuse to consider this pairing as a monster/human. However, I come from a different cultural background than the typical American/English person, so I apologize if my opinion sounds offensive. In my circle, “xenophilia” refers to any craving for something unknown and alien, the term covers relationships with a wide variety of fictional intelligent beings (the spectrum is extremely wide) and is even sometimes (extremely rarely) used in the context of relationships between two people from very different cultures (for example a modern person or a person from a world with magic). Although it is still believed that one partner must NOT be a person in the classical sense.🌼

🍒The kind of apes, in both the old planet of the apes and the reboot, are in fact not like everyday apes. They've created cultures and languages and are closer to homo sapiens than those of apes now. Even their appearances are also changing. Some shapes to their faces, the way they stand, and even their eyes. They are fictional/mythical creatures that while having similarities to actual creatures the same could say about centaurs, etc.🍒

🥑The apes in the POTA franchise are evolved physically and mentally enough to be functionally alien. They’re not only sentient, they’re sapient. They’re capable of communication, love, care, connection. There’s nothing weird about it, just like there’s nothing weird about a story about a human romancing a big monster or a slimy alien. It’s all fair game. The original 1968 movie pitches the apes like they’re aliens anyway.🥑

🍑It’s a human with a “non-human sentient Other” and comes with similar baggage as your typical monster pairings (the differences, the fear, the awkwardness, the unexpected similarities). Just because the uncanny valley isn’t that deep (as it would be with, I don’t know, The Predator alien or an Uruk Hai) doesn’t mean it’s not a monster. Like, human/vampire counts, and that can be presented as barely nonhuman.🍑

🌻Apes like the ones in the movies are the same as monsters bc they are a different species and have special characteristics that makes them "monstruous" enough. An ape can be a monster as long as you consider "monsters" like vampires to be that.🌻

🌾They aren't just apes, they've been genetically modified. But they aren't full monsters either. It'd be like fucking Scooby-Doo, he's a dog but he's a sentient dog that isn't really a dog anymore. But is still a recognizable animal.🌾

🍓The apes in this universe are monsters. While I'm not one who indulges in this type of shipping, I don't think the apes are animals in this fiction verse so they fit in the category of monsters.🍓

🌷I guess you could call it that, but the monster fiction trope has developed into its own sub genre that I don’t think Noa and Mae fall into. It’s the two lead characters in a blockbuster movie.🌷

🍉In the context of the POTA films, I don't.🍉

🍇An animal is not a monster.🍇

🥀Again, depends on the ape🥀

🔍If you want to comment on something other than the previous questions and/or add more arguments to your opinion, feel free...

🌾Things written in fiction don't have to be morally okay in real life. That's one of the reasons we write fiction. You aren't a bad person for shipping an ape and a human as long as you can fully realize that a real life ape would never be a consenting safe partner for anyone but another ape. The idea that everything written should be morally okay is harmful for a lot of people. Fantasy has its place and should never be held up to reality's standards of ethics. That path leads to shame and repression that could seriously impact the mental health of generations.🌾

🍑I have been in this fandom on and off for literal decades and human/ape pairings have always been a thing. They have even been suggested in canon (kisses in both Tim Burton’s remake and in two of the original films: the first one and in Escape From…). This isn’t new, and it used to be embraced as part of the fandom. The vitriol and hatred in the current fandom is an unexpected switch for me, but sadly, the way fandom in general has been trending (“purity culture” where only morally good things are allowed), I can’t say I am too surprised.🍑

🌼I think the term "monsterfucking" is pretty fun and I have nothing against it, but I think for the sake of convenience a new, more inclusive term should be popularized. That is, is it possible to consider, for example, aliens as monsters and read pairings with them as a monster/human? What about a human/vampire? And so on and so forth. To my surprise, I see such discussions relatively often. Although perhaps I am biased and that is the only reason I see this as a problem.🌼

🍓I would like to add that the shipping here is fiction, yes, so I agree with that part of it but I also do not think fiction in general exists in a vacum. Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language either.🍓

🌷Free yourself from the thought police. Thinking is not a crime. Nothing about shipping two characters is a crime.🌷

🌻Almost anything fictional can be considered a monster if you think about it long enough.🌻

The results of the poll at the moment.

(I didn't know I wouldn't have access to the answers so I had to vote, sorry😭)

Thanks to everyone who participated! 🥰

#planet of the apes #pota #kingdom of the planet of the apes #kotpota #noamae #nomae #planeta dos macacos o reinado #planeta dos macacos #polls #monster imagine #male monster #fem!monster #monster x human #monster

[sweetestpopcorn]

How would you rank Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s children in terms of greatness/potential? For me, Baelon was best out their children with Saera being second. I also think Viserra was a waisted potential. I think she could have done interesting stuff had she lived. Do you think perhaps maybe Baelon should’ve married her after Alyssa’s death? Obviously, no one could replace Alyssa in his heart.

Hi there :)

I have already kind of answered this regarding my thoughts about Saera and Viserra and none of it is good. I will just link them here and here . Legit they are just portrayed as mean girls with no real depth to them, though of the two, Saera is much, much worse. Viserra I can at least sympathise with since her parents seem to not give half a f_ck about her and did not even extend to her the same courtesy they did her siblings of having a say about her marriage (more here), but that's about it. I don't find anything else likeable about her she's just... empty.

I will go from least favourite to favourite.

Saera and Viserra go right to the bottom of my list. Followed very closely by Vaegon by obvious reasons. Like Vaegon, it literally costs you 0 golden dragons to not be so unlikable.

Then I would say Daenerys, she has a lot of sweet moments but dies young so I don't really know how she would have turned out. Besides, I know it's petty of me, but I don't like other characters having Dany's name. I do like Daenerys, Naerys's daughter but... yeah no more. You don't need more Daenerys, we have our Mother of Dragons. Yes, I know I am petty.

Then Gael because... poor baby 🥺 seriously what was George thinking writing a character who is Alysanne's comfort, with some degree of cognitive disability be r...... by some random singer, give birth, lose her baby, and kill herself?! Like enough's enough. It's literally just to add tragedy to her story and honestly Turtle man it's getting f:cking OLD. I swear this man gets his rocks off by adding tragedy and terrible abuse to female characters. This when he can bother to make them more than a walking womb.

Then I would say Aemon. Maybe he would be higher but at times I just feel he's too perfect if that's a thing. There’s just nothing wrong with him like 😂 he literally does nothing wrong.

Daella comes next because I find her funny. She's such a drama queen 24/7 making everyone around her want to protect her XD even Alyssa. I kind of got the vibes at times from her that she kind of knew what she was doing to get attention. Like the fact that she and Alyssa are Rhaenyra's grandmothers just makes so much sense no matter how you look at it. In a way Rhaenyra seems kind of a mixture of both? With tons of stubborn and style added. Another moment that really endeared me to Daella was her very tragic death, and how despite all her suffering she still wanted to be given Aemma and to feed her. Prime mom material right there -> like you can tell both from her and Alyssa that Rhaenyra got some top notch mom genes.

Then Alyssa of course, because she was THE queen. Literally she was just a better behaved version of her son and I'm here for it! I love how despite the fact that she was clearly a tomboy she still wanted to marry Baelon and give him an army of kids X'D because these two things are not mutually exclusive and liking or enjoying traditional boy things does not have to say anything about your sexuality or your desire to be a mother - just like being very feminine and liking traditionally feminine activities does not have to say anything about your sexuality or desire to parent. These are rules a society that does not understand nuance and in a sense is deeply sexist and stereotypical likes to put in place and that I find deeply harmful to people. But Alyssa is the BOMB, so funny, so bold, the way she embarrassed Vaegon who was a little sh:t *chef's kiss*

Then there's the best man ever -> Baelon Targaryen

Had his own cool nickname, The Spring Prince, funny, charming, sexy, single dad who never once forgot about his lady with the mismatched eyes, entered a tourney under the name of the Silver Fool... I don't feel like a need to say more, and in an era where all men were literally so problematic, Baelon was IT.

Baelon is what this fandom thinks Corlys is. Sorry not sorry.

And that's it :D

Also no, and more important that should Baelon remarry, the question is did he want to remarry? And the answer is no, and any Baelon fan would respect the Spring Prince and his undying love for his lady with the mismatched eyes <3

#saera targaryen #viserra targaryen #vaegon targaryen #daenerys targaryen #gael targaryen #aemon targaryen #daella targaryen #alyssa targaryen #baelon targaryen #fire and blood #valyrianscrolls #popcorn answers

[cupids-chamber]

PLEASE READ

LET'S TALK, I've done this rant before but it seems people can't take a hint. Thought I'm grateful to receive attention, I think people need to learn the, ever so shocking truth.. that writers are people?!

Each time I release a fic, which is practically every day, I get my asks filled with requests, which is bothersome already, but it quite upsets me because in my pinned, it says and clearly states that my requests are closed. Not to mention that, you can clearly see that people legitimately don't read my pinned or rules when they send these requests (Yes I can tell, it's not that hard) and or the requests come off demanding, so instead of a request it sounds like an order.

Now you may be thinking, "Cupid, can't you just delete the requests?" To that I answer, yes and I have but you fail to see how this impacts me. I'm actually online, almost always and I do see your asks when you send them, but these sort of requests have deflated me to the point where I legit cant write anymore and or have the energy to talk with anyone. If you were to check my tumblr status, it would always say I'm online right now however, because of this happening frequently, it's ruining my personal tumblr experience and I've been here for about an year and have dealt with quite difficult situations, but it has never made me feel this bad.

Because, this shows how much respect an average fanfic writer lacks, please be kind to your writers and be polite when you requests, where artists are praised for their talent (They deserve all of it, I'm serious my artist friends have hands of God I tell you) and meme's/incorrect quote posts are almost always at the top of the tags with quite little effort compared to writing (I'm using the term compared, specifying this since people always find a way to cause a scene) and praised for being funny. Writer's are quite on the shelf when you think about it.

When requesting an art piece that is free, people make sure to ask rather politely and most of the times, they have something nice to say to the artist, once again they deserve it but compared to a writer who keeps requests open, even if they do commissions. We still lack this sort of respect, were providing free content, but it's much less appreciated then other things.

Let me provide another point, from my most popular deuce fic is a crackfic of Deuce discovering chocolate milk, didn't come from brown cows and my latest one is this a yandere fic with a wordcount of 2k, crackfics which took little to no effort on my part, is much more popular than a fic which I spent serious time and effort on. (Both are x readers)

And if that wasn't enough, let's touch the aspect of reblogs a bit.. (Reblogs are what help get posts on the top of tags and or attention in general) I've seen multiple blogs, which reblogged incorrect quote's and maybe even art (Mostly just twst incorrect quotes), but they don't reblog other works, (I'm not attacking meme blogs, they're funny as hell) but If you like something you should reblog it! (Including art), please I've seen many many good writers, fall down hill just because they don't get that attention, since they're so new! Hell I have side blogs other then my spam, in which I reblog a lot of writers & artists works, sometimes I'll reblog a particular post 5 times!

Since I'm going the rabit hole of everything wrong with how writers are treated compared to other contributors in fandoms.. new writers have to deal with ass, I was a new writer at one point, and I've had many side blogs that I do not share on my main blog, and I do not connect the two together. AND LET ME TELL YOU.. You have not seen disrespect when it comes to requests and asks, unless you are a new writer in huge and medium sized fandoms, small ones give you least amount of attention but they appreciate you since well the fandoms so dry of content!

Also nsfw writers, let's talk about them. (I'm not a Nsfw writer but I'm friends with a lot of them, and no I do not read adult blogs content, I only read their fluff, I respect that mdni sign with all my heart) JUST BECAUSE THEY WRITE NSFW DOESNT MEAN THEY'RE A PEDO, just because A WRITER IS 18 AND LIKES A CHARACTER WHO'S 17 DOES NOT MAKE THEM A PEDO, It's fictional, someone I knew got called a Pedo all over for liking Azul as a 18 year old, and they only wrote fluff for him. And also, just because they write Nsfw is not a valid reason to attack them, now if they wrote shotacon and you know things that generally is wrong then there is a reasonable reason to call them out? But when you attack someone for writing nsfw in general, and or hate of them for that. It's stupid, I've seen so many users genuinely hurt by the hate, and others play it off, but it really shouldn't be played off! Also by doing this, it takes away from the actual impact of the word pedo, it's a sensitive topic don't throw it around. Also on that note, many Nsfw writers are actually asexual! (From blogs I've seen in the past, and people I've met) so.. keep that in mind.

I'm beginning to see how off topic I went in this rant, but it's been eating me alive not talking about it. So let's talk about it.. If your against me in any part of this, and have an actual valid argument please feel free to inbox me about it, I know I may be in the wrong, it's just what I've personally seen and want to say, but I'd be more than happy to correct it, if I'm in the wrong. If I do get hate for mentioning this then I'll ignore you. (Most likely, unless I feel the need to add onto something or provide input/context to your ask)

Happy reading, enjoy your night/day!

EDIT: Just found out quick reblogging exists, what is your excuse now, like I'm genuinely asking. If reblogging hurts your precious aesthetic (I say, as I'm a very aesthetic oriented person.. make a side blog!)

#— important #— announcement

[givehimthemedicine]

Big Analysis Part 1

Gates, Demogorgons, and Tunnels

[ Part 2 ]

My attempt to iron out explanations for a variety of how-and-when type questions pertaining to.. well, it's there in the title. this is super long, but I really hope you take a look because I think I've got viable explanations if not The Answer for a lot of big questions.

Topics:

The difference between gates and portals

Is the demogorgon Henry?

Is S1, S3, S4 all the same demogorgon?

Why no more portals since S1?

Is Dart the slug Will coughed up?

Where was the demogorgon for seasons 2 & 3?

How the Russians captured the democreatures & particles

How did Dart get in Dustin's trash?

What's the deal with the tunnels? is that the UD?

The significance of the library in the UD

Why do some gates close and others spread?

Theory about the mothergate

Theory about it was a seven / 8:15

this post deals mostly with the literal and not so much predictions/symbolism/character analysis type stuff, but a few topics in the second half start to form theories that flirt with potential spoiler territory, so if you prefer to be surprised about the subject of Will's vanishing in s5, probably don't read.

these sections are ordered to build logic and Realizations as you read straight through, so although I tried to make it browsable, it REALLY makes more sense if you read all of it.

1. Gates and portals

distinguishing gates from portals is not at all my idea, but let me nail down the differences between them because it's super important for the logic of this entire analysis.

both are doorways into the other dimension, both are separated by a goopy pink membrane, but their other qualities aren't consistent. besides who made them and from which direction, some have vines coming out, some don't. some leave no trace, others do.

here's a list of all the different holes I can think of and different qualities they have.

grey is for things we weren't shown, but I filled in based on the logic of the rest and the fact that if it was otherwise somebody would've mentioned it.

so here's the distinction I'm making for the rest of the post:

GATES are opened by humans. they have vines and may be inclined to close or spread, but when they do close, they leave scars:

list of what I consider gates:

'79 in the rainbow room

'83 in the lab (the mothergate)

'83 in the classroom

'84 in Russia just for a minute

'85 under Starcourt

'86 Chrissy, Fred, Patrick, Max gates

most of these are explicitly referred to as "gates" on the show. "door" is also used sometimes to mean gate by both Henry and Alexei.

*vines are always characteristic of gates with the single exception that I'm not certain we saw any in the Starcourt one. it's clearly a legit gate - closing it makes the monster die. I guess it would have vines but doesn't yet, because Alexei says it's not open but openING. I'll remind you when this becomes relevant.

**it looks most logically consistent to me to say that gates always leave scars, but we were never actually shown what either of the laser gates looked like after closing.

PORTALS are small holes opened by the demogorgon which never have vines, always close up pretty quickly, and never leave a trace. list of what I consider portals:

the Byers living room wall, living room floor, living room ceiling, Will's room wall, hallway floor

the Nancy tree where the demogorgon yoinks the deer

the school hallway

the wall in the shed where Will got yoinked

the ceiling of the Lab elevator where the scientist got yoinked

the pool where Barb got yoinked

I can't remember anybody on ST ever referring to one of the temporary holes opened by the demogorgon as "a gate", even though they never explicitly discuss a difference either.

in contrast to gate scars, they make a point of showing that no trace is left behind when portals heal.

"but wait, the demogorgon is totally Henry, doesn't that throw off the data in your stupid little chart?"

no, not the way I understand Henry to "be" the demogorgon. I'll explain more in Is the demogorgon Henry?, but I believe all these portals are being, in deed though not in purpose, opened by the actual demogorgon.

"but wait, what about the time Will opened that portal in the wall??"

no he did not. that was the hole where the demogorgon came through to attack Joyce before - Will found it just before it finished healing.

now, one more huge thing: gates enable portals to be opened.

where am I getting this?

well, if Henry can make a demogorgon open a portal to yoink Will in 1983... why wouldn't he have just done that in 1979? why Henry's whole thing about needing El to open a gate for him, if portals are a thing?

just think: Will got taken when the mothergate opened, but he wasn't taken through the mothergate. the demogorgon didn't grab him in the shed, drag him 2 miles down the road, in the front door of Hawkins Lab, down the elevator [Will and the demogorgon awkwardly listening to elevator music], through the mothergate, back through the Upside Down version of all that backwards, all the way back to his house where they started. no, Will was taken right through a portal in the shed to the UD shed. so what did the gate even have to do with it?

the fact that the demogorgon never opened any portals until immediately after the opening of the mothergate tells us that it couldn't until then.

2. Is the demogorgon Henry?

for sure. but in what sense is critically important. I can think of three ways that we could say Henry "is" the demogorgon:

Henry shapeshifting? This doesn't work for me because I don't think Henry can shapeshift. I don't think what he does to Max in s4 is literally, physically changing his appearance, but rather changing Max's perception of his appearance, like what Kali can do.

and even if he could shapeshift, I don't think that explains what's going on. like wearing an Eleven Halloween costume doesn't grant you telekinesis, Henry shapeshifting as a demogorgon would not personally gain its abilities. and the demogorgon must have abilities Henry doesn't, otherwise he wouldn't need to involve it at all.

Henry tricking observers into perceiving him as a demogorgon? Nah. it showed up in Jonathan's candid photo.

Henry puppeting an actual demogorgon is the only way that makes sense. I believe the demogorgon of s1 is an actual demogorgon that Henry is controlling after possessing it with the Mind Flayer, just like he did to Will.

we see the Henrygorgon open portals a bunch of times, so by whose ability is this happening: the demogorgon, Henry, or the Mind Flayer?

it can't be Henry, because if Henry could open portals himself, he wouldn't need the demogorgon. and it can't be the Mind Flayer, because again, why involve the demogorgon.

portaling can only be the demogorgon's ability, and that's why it's very important that the Henrygorgon is physically a legit demogorgon that's taking orders from Henry, and not somehow Henry in disguise.

"but wait, if portaling is an inherent demogorgon ability, why hasn't the demogorgon been terrorizing Hawkins since forever?"

because you gotta have a gate in order to open portals, and there wasn't a gate open long enough for it to come through until 1983.

3. Is s1, s3, and s4 the same demogorgon?

No.

the one El dispatches in s1 is all burnt because of Nancy & co setting it on fire, but the s3 postcredits one has pristine skin. s1 and s3 are different individuals.

the s3 and s4 look very different, but this dialogue in Hopper's last supper scene explains how they're the same one:

You know why they feed captive predators live prey? Because if they don't, the predator gets bored and stops eating. It needs the thrill of the hunt. And this food isn't to make us strong. It's to make us plump. So we're full of the nutrients and protein that a growing monster might need.

in the s3 postcredits we see them feed a captive prisoner to it, and that's why it's skinny - it's bored. in 4, now that it's been hunting prey that can fight back, it's filled out, muscular, battle scarred. it's so buff Mike would have a poster of it if only it had nipples.

4. Why haven't there ever been any more portals since season 1, if demogorgons and gates are still both a thing?

I first theorized that the demogorgon's ability to open portals gets switched on when at least one gate to our world is open, and off when none are. but if that was it, then the Russian demogorgon should have started portaling all over the prison the moment Chrissy died. I had to get up and take a walk because this ruined my whole thing, but I think I've got it now.

the answer is in the very first scene of the show.

the scientist comes fleeing out from the gate room. but then the thing he's running from is somehow ahead of him, already in the elevator.

to pop out into the RU elevator, the demogorgon had to come from the UD. but we know it was in the RU once already before that, because it already scared the scientist. so how'd it get to the RU that time? it could not have come through a portal to the RU straight from its eternity in the UD, otherwise it would've been doing that since forever.

it's a chicken/egg situation that's only solved by the demogorgon coming in originally through the gate.

Brenner goes down to look at the gate, some guy says "is this where it came from?" and he says "Yes." why TELL us that? the audience can't just see "gaping eldritch hellhole" and "monster on the loose" and put two and two together? this must be REALLY important to be so underlined.

it is. they're showing us that the demogorgon became able to open portals between the UD/RU not just by virtue of the gate existing, but by coming in through it.

the Chrissy gate didn't make the Russian demogorgon able to open portals because it didn't come in through Chrissy's gate. more on that later.

5. Is Dart the slug Will coughed up?

definitely not. those things grow up very quickly, in a matter of days. Dustin found Dart as a pollywog almost an entire year after Will coughed up the slug so there's no way it's the same one.

6. Where was the demogorgon for seasons 2 and 3?

the Henrygorgon of season 1 is either dead or minding its own business in the Upside Down. I don't think it's dead because the same treatment didn't kill Henry.

"but wait, the mothergate was still open, if the Henrygorgon wasn't dead why didn't it just come right back in?"

the process of dematerializing it could also have exorcised it of the MF, so that it was no longer the Henrygorgon. or maybe Henry just didn't want to do season 1 all over again after he already got his ass kicked.

so if season 1's demogorgon is retired, where's the Russian one been during seasons 2 and 3? :)

you know how I said the Russian demogorgon isn't able to open portals because it never came in through Chrissy's gate? well, it never came in through any gate.

how could a demogorgon possibly get to the Rightside Up WITHOUT passing through a gate? there's only one way.

being born on this side.

:) :) :)

The Russian demogorgon is the slug Will coughed up.

"but wait, those slugs grow up to be demodogs, not demogorgons!" they're factually the same animal. here's an interview detailing the creative process for all its life stages from slug to demogorgon, in which ST's VFX supervisor states that the demodog is, quote, "an adolescent model of the Demogorgon."

I'm not saying "wouldn't that be a hoot," I'm saying it can't be any other way. the Russian demogorgon can't be the original one, because it isn't burnt. there were manymany demogorgons born in season 2 (Dart & friends) but it can't be one of them because they all died when El closed the gate. some demogorgons were born at the end of season 1, but all except one were born in the UD where their hosts died (we'll talk about this later), and aren't in play. that leaves only one unaccounted for.

Will coughed it up and it went down the sink, into the sewers of Hawkins. over a matter of days it matured into a demodog and started digging the tunnels of season 2.

7. How the Russians captured the democreatures and particles

Enzo tells Hopper that he's "heard rumors of a monster from America" and in season 3 Erica looks at a steel cage in the Russian bunker and says: "Hey Dustin, how big did you say that demogorgon was?" this spells out for us that the Russian demogorgon was captured in Hawkins and transported to Russia.

this is another reason the Russian demogorgon has to be Will's, and not merely one of Dart's generation that was allowed to grow up instead of being put into suspended animation in those tanks - they want us to know the Russians caught a demogorgon that was already an adult.

I think this is why they made a point of the Starcourt gate being "openING" instead of open - to rule out the possibility that a new demogorgon came in.

since the Russians never opened a gate long/big enough for any democreatures to come through, the demodogs had to be sourced from Hawkins also.

I figure the Russians captured them both underneath Hawkins in season 2.

"but wait, underground Russians were a 3 thing, not a 2 thing!"

you know how long it takes to move that much earth? to have that humongous underground fortress finished and functional by season 3, the Russians had to be well underway during 2. the scene of the failed Russian gate which necessitates them trying again in Hawkins is set in June '84 (that's between 1 and 2). they could have started any time from then on.

In 3x4, we see Hopper look at some land deeds - the people who own Starcourt (Russians) buying up farmland because they "want to expand" - dated 11/13/84. for context, that's like a week after El closed the gate in season 2. the Russians built Starcourt in 1984 to conceal their real construction project, the underground fortress.

so in the process of digging sometime between July-October of 1984 while the mothergate was still open, the Russians must have run into those tunnels that ran all underneath Hawkins. and at that time, the tunnels contained the adult Will-demogorgon and lots of demodogs. they captured the adult and several juveniles - possibly at younger stages when it would've been easier - and put them into suspended animation. they kept the demogorgon awake, and shipped them all off to Russia, where they started feeding the demogorgon prisoners.

"but wait, the Russian demodogs can't be from the s2 Hawkins batch! they all died when the gate closed!"

hang on, I'm about to explain.

now, how on earth did the Russians capture a hunk of the particles?

I can't think of an easier way to capture it than packaged neatly in host bodies. the demodogs the Russians captured were possessed,

"hold it right there, how'd they capture possessed demodogs? wouldn't they just portal away? wouldn't they be all rabid and invincible?" juvenile demogorgons aren't able to open portals. if they could, Dart would've escaped Dustin's cellar that way. and possession doesn't make demogorgons of any age invincible, it just controls them mentally. demogorgons can take 900000 bullets because they're just like that, possessed or not. strong skin or something. but juveniles aren't so tough yet - see Hopper taking out several of them with 1 shot apiece as El closes the gate.

anyway, they took a handful of possessed demodogs back to the facility in Russia and burnt the MF out of them, trapping their combined particles in that holding tank, and then placing the exorcised dogs into suspended animation.

the Russians definitely know about he-likes-it-cold. it's how they're keeping the swirling particles contained behind glass: they've got the area outside its holding tank surrounded with heating elements. it isn't captive because it can't break glass, it's captive because it doesn't want to go toward the heat.

this explains how these several captive demodogs don't drop dead as a result of gates closing: not just because they're in suspended animation, but because they're no longer possessed at the time the gates close.

think of Will in season 2 - they had to hold off closing the mothergate until they burned the MF out of him, otherwise as a part of the army, Will would have died along with all the demodogs.

see, the "democreatures all dropping dead when a gate closes" thing isn't because the creatures just inherently die of homesickness or something, it's because they're almost always possessed by the MF, and the MF is what "dies" (falls down inert) when gates are closed. if the MF "died" while inside Will, Will would have died, but exorcised Will survived the closing of the mothergate just fine, and so did these demodogs. in fact, the exact piece of the MF that was in Will was the piece that was in the flesh monster, and it did "die" when the Starcourt gate closed, which made the monster die.

s4 spells out for us that demodogs/gorgons can and do get possessed by the MF exactly how Will did (the dying Russian guard says that "the shadow went into them"), confirming for us the mechanism for s1's Henrygorgon.

we know the demodogs aren't still possessed while in suspended animation because the shadow wouldn't need to go into them if it was already in them.

"but wait, are we sure those demodogs were possessed in the first place if they were born in the tunnels and not in the actual UD? how did the MF get to them?"

they definitely were possessed because they acted as a part of the hive mind, but I am a bit shaky on how. my best explanation right now is that since the tunnels went right up to the mothergate, the MF could reach into the RU tunnels like it reached through when El was closing the gate, or the demodogs passed freely in and out of the gate and got possessed while in the UD.

8. How did Dart get in Dustin's trash?

my best guess on this one is disappointingly mundane. I saw that shot of Hopper seeing the dead raccoon in the tunnels, and I thought, how about if a raccoon was rooting around in Dustin's trash and coughed up a slug?

this led me down a much more important avenue of thought: where all those demodogs came from. by season 2 there are a LOT. I'd say 20-30 just in that one shot of them falling dead in droves when El closes the gate.

while we do have one demogorgon in play at this time, demogorgons themselves can't reproduce as far as we know. those slugs are planted by a vine.

live bodies are needed to incubate those slugs, but Hawkins is a small town and dozens more disappearances would've surely been mentioned. how then?

animals. Will's demogorgon yoinked any number of animals from the woods to host those slugs, and the slugs soon grew into demodogs which fed on their hosts' bodies.

only they weren't yoinked to the UD, but to the tunnels. that's what that area littered with bones was were Hopper got trapped, the place he called the "graveyard". a demogorgon nursery.

9. What's the deal with the tunnels?

the tunnels act as sort of a bridge area between the RU and the UD.

it's physically the RU, but so heavily infiltrated by the vines and spores due to proximity to the gate that it's functionally the UD. (like how vines and spores spread a little ways into the Lab through the gate, hence hazmat suits needed to even approach it).

it can't be the actual UD, because the hole Hopper digs through to access it doesn't act like a gate/portal. if the tunnels were the UD, if Hopper was even able to break through with his shovel (which humans can't do), he would have fallen into a gravity-reversed UD copy of that pumpkin field. instead, he broke through to a physical tunnel in the dirt.

10. The significance of the library in the Upside Down

ok this is one of my hair twirlingest sections in the whole thing

you know when Will pointed out that spot in the tunnels, and said it was important and the Mind Flayer didn't want him to see there?

and Hopper saw on the soldiers' video feed that they were in "the graveyard," that place Joyce and Bob rescued him from earlier? the demogorgon nursery?

but it turned out Will was just lying about it being important to get those soldiers sent to their deaths?

Will wasn't lying. It really is an important place.

the graveyard is where the ambush happened. and the graveyard is directly underneath the library.

not just because of the X clue, but because, remember how I called the graveyard a demogorgon nursery a minute ago?

and remember what happened to Will in the library?

as above, so below.

the library is the demogorgon nursery of season 1's Upside Down. all six of the yoinked were taken there to get slugged, not just Will.

"but wait, if they were all taken to the library, wouldn't Hopper and Joyce have seen their bodies there?"

they did. people seem to forget.

"but wait, how can Barb be dead in the library if Nancy saw her in Steve's pool in s4?" dead Barb in the pool was a vision Henry gave Nancy to torment her, not current or literal footage.

now check this out.

the Duffers have specifically listed the first Indiana Jones movie as one of their inspirations. remember that scene where they're searching everywhere in that old library for a "ten" marking the location of a tomb? and you know what a roman numeral ten looks like? and Indy finally finds it....

on the floor? and they pull up a tile and drop into a catacombs tunnel full of bones underground beneath the library? that scene sure was neato!!

more X / ten library refs

now remember in the Hopper-stuck-in-the-tunnels part, there's also a moment where he sees a spot of dense vines and tries burning them away and digging his way out? well the vines grow densely like that to cover holes - we saw them quickly grow over and conceal the hole Hopper originally dug into the tunnels. that's why he couldn't find his way out before.

does this not indicate that there was a preexisting but sealed-up hole right there in the graveyard... not another branch of walkable tunnel, but a smaller tunnel leading UP...

to the library??

someone PLEASE Indiana Jones the library floor in s5. it's tile.

"but wait, as far as we know, those tunnels didn't exist until s2, and only demodogs dig, and the only demogorgon in play was already an adult."

right, I am thinking that the slug Will coughed up went on to become the founder of the tunnels, which means that neither the tunnels nor the theoretical library-hole would have existed at the time of the s1 yoinkings.

either Will's demogorgon or any of Dart's friends could've dug the library hole (assuming there wasn't some preexisting ancient tomb under there) but why? why would they need a tunnel from the graveyard to the RU library? and from which direction was it dug? could the five UD demogorgons have dug it down from where they were born in the UD library? I don't think alterations made to the UD affect the RU, but could there be some loophole here given that the tunnels are almost like a bridge dimension? I need to think more.

I'll leave you with this:

remember where Henry found the black widow nest that ended up being his whole life's inspiration? in a vent under the floor in the bathroom? it's giving me Indy under the library floor BIGTIME.

see how the nest is also full of egg sacs? remember how Max stepped on some of those and little baby spiders came out? I just read a little about black window spiders and their egg sacs take about 30 days to hatch. would this be a fun time to mention that Will coughed up that slug 26 days after being rescued? and that Victor Creel said the family had "a month of peace in that house" before the horrors started?

I'm thinking the library was already a significant place for Henry in order for him to take the yoinked there. I'm pretty sure the tunnels were started after the yoinkings, so the graveyard was placed under the library, and not that the library was chosen for being on top of some geographical spot of preexisting importance.

this is where I'll need to hand this topic off to a better analyst because I tend to be too literal, but I think we need to talk about the possibility that something happened to Henry at the library, maybe in the basement. if that's where he took all the yoinked, it must be a significant place for him.

11. Why some gates close and others spread

does the opener of the gate determine its nature? that can't be it. El opened multiple gates that behaved very differently.

the Mothergate started as a crack in a wall and grew enormous. the Lab's controlled burns barely slowed it down its spread. but the rainbow gate was just big enough for Henry and then sealed back up in less than a minute. same with the classroom gate, it sealed up so fast that we didn't even see it.

so what's the difference? why was one huge and spreading and the others small and temporary?

I'm gonna get a little more abstract here than the rest of the post, but bear with me while I take a guess.

the mothergate was created when El made psychic contact with the demogorgon and experienced extreme fear, right? and Chrissy, Fred, Patrick, Max's gates are created when Henry made psychic connections with them and tortured them with fear, despair, hatred, guilt. notice how those are the gates that spread.

the rainbow room gate was created when El overpowered Henry by harnessing her single happy memory of her mother's love. the classroom gate was created when El had such protective love for her new friends that she was willing to sacrifice her life for them.

may I suggest that gate behavior depends on which emotion fuels their opening.

Fear, guilt, bitterness, hate festers. Love heals. but both types of wounds leave scars.

Stranger Things is a live action Monsters Inc

I'll grant you that this symbolism doesn't explain the two gates opened by Russian lasers, but maybe those sidestep the issue due to being artificially created.

anyway if 8-year-old El had successfully overpowered Henry using the power of her sad/angry memories instead of switching to love, that rainbow room gate might have been the spreading sort, the events of 1983/1986 could have happened immediately, and with baby El out of commission, the world would have ended in 1979.

warning - if I'm right at all, we're drifting towards what might be considered spoiler territory for the rest of this.

12. Why did the mothergate open where it did?

when Henry opened gates, they were all formed on the exact spot of the victim's body. and both times El opened gates, they also formed on the exact spot of the victim's body - the wall right behind Henry, and the chalkboard right behind the demogorgon.

if El was the opener of the mothergate, why didn't the gate open right on the "victim" - the demogorgon? and even if we've got it backwards and El is the victim, why didn't the gate open right on her water tank either? Instead of either location, it randomly cracked the wall several feet away.

the boring answer is they probably just hadn't thought out all this gate lore while they were shooting season 1, which was meant to be a standalone with no continuing story.

and while I think that's true to some extent, it doesn't even interfere with the FUN ANSWER, which is:

how about if the mothergate DID form exactly where the "victim" was, and the "victim" was Henry.

Henry, standing in the Upside Down lab during El's Russian spy mission. remembering how she opened a gate in 1979 and trying to recreate it - bracing himself against the nearest wall, knowing that if his plan works, and he can connect with El while she's psychically receptive and get her to experience extreme terror again, another gate will open.

13. It was a seven / 8:15

that seven could be more important than just to show that Will won't lie to Mike.

there are a bunch of other sevens on ST. now, this whole section could be a reach because plenty of them are unrelated, but I can't help notice that a handful of them pertain at least sort of to the bikes/Mike's garage.

"It was a seven"

the 7 on the license plate in the Wheelers' garage

what day does Hopper find Will's bike? the 7th

when the gang has to ride the Wheelers' bikes to Eddie's trailer, he says it's 7 miles away

and if we widen the search to include ones pertaining to DnD, we get a couple more,

Lucas cuts off the thessalhydra's 7 heads at the end of the same campaign

Mike takes 7 points of damage in the s3 DnD campaign

that's like half of the ST "seven" references that I can think of (though I'm sure there are more I've missed) that have some topical overlap with "it was a seven".

PS, the show that's on Ted Wheeler's TV is Knight Rider, and an episode of Knight Rider really did air the night of November 6, 1983. the 7th episode of the season :)

ok, now hold that thought.

s4 Robin says to Nancy, "I know your house is creepily frozen in time, but haven't you always had bikes?" so they take the Wheeler family's bikes to the trailer, and we get one of the coolest cinematic shots in the whole show.

Eddie is on Mike's bike. Nancy is riding her own (unless I'm forgetting, we only ever glimpse it in the garage-bat-practice scene; we know it's hers because it's a girl bike frame). Robin and Steve are on two adult bikes that must be Ted and Karen's.

IF I'm onto something here, this scene came [Vecna voice] so close to the truth, Nancy.

they didn't show us the gang finding and getting on those bikes. they didn't say there were only those four available.

what if I reminded you that we know a specific time frame on Nov 6 1983 - pretty wide time frame actually - when there were more than just four bikes at the Wheeler house.

between roughly 10am-8:15pm, during the ten hour DnD campaign, the party's bikes were there too.

how many bikes does that total? 7.

did I go all that way just for another obscure 7? maybe, but the part that makes me itchy is...

why did s4 have to borderline retcon the idea of Karen and Ted having owned bikes during s1, instead of just putting Steve and Robin on the party's bikes that we saw there canonically? it must be important that they didn't take those specific bikes. hold that thought.

now work with me here...

Will rolled the 7 at 8:15... 7 bikes at 8:15...

this ties in with my eightfifteengate hunch: 8:15pm is the exact time at which the Upside Down is frozen.

IF the 7 bikes thing is important, the Upside Down couldn't be frozen any later than 8:15pm, because the party went home right after Will rolled the seven, so any time after that there wouldn't be 7 bikes there anymore.

now, what doubt I have about the scenario I'm about to pitch isn't at all because it isn't feasible, but because the optics are delightfully goofy depending what we imagine Henry looks like in 1983.

I don't have a solid map of Hawkins, but I know the Lab and Will's house are closer together than Mike's house is from either of them. and our first two sightings of the demogorgon are at Hawkins Lab and then in the road near Will's house. Mike's house would've been significantly out of the way for a stop in between.

what if.... the demogorgon didn't stalk Will home. the lights flickering in Mike's garage? what if that was Henry himself.

I know, that immediately creates a problem: if Henry's at Mike's house, how could he be at Will's house in time for the vanishing? he can't teleport. Will's biking at a fair pace and even raced Dustin part of the way - Henry would have to haul ass the entire way?

you know what means of transportation is available that goes at least as fast as Will's bike?

Will's bike. the upside down one.

THIS is a scenario where it gets important for there to be 7 bikes. for Steve and Robin to have taken Ted and Karen's instead of party bikes.

if the UD is frozen at a time when there are >4 bikes in the garage - and we're certain it was that way at 8:15 btw - Henry could've taken Will's, Lucas's, or Dustin's bike without screwing up the timeline. so that Nancy, Steve, Robin, and Eddie could walk into the UD garage 2 1/2 years later and still find Mike's, Dustin's, Lucas's, Nancy's, Ted's and Karen's bikes.

Nancy naturally would choose her own. Steve and Robin would probably prefer the adult bikes. and Eddie, the newcomer, takes his pick of the kid bikes.

"but wait lol, if Henry had first pick of all 7 bikes why wouldn't he take one of the adult ones?" because he's a cheeky bitch and it'd be just like him to pick Will's bike? also Ted and Karen don't store their bikes in the garage and Henry didn't have time to go rooting around their shed or wherever they keep them while Will was already starting to pedal away.

PS someone please draw for me: Henry, in full Vecna mode, grumpily riding the only bike left in the garage because the timeline got screwed up: a tiny pink tricycle belonging to Holly Wheeler

anyway, 8:15 being the only moment during that night that they timestamped makes me so suspicious about it, because in order to call back to something later for a Big Reveal, you need to make note of it at the time - just not too noticeably. that's why Karen Wheeler opens the basement door and says "it's fifteen after!" and then they bury the "8" in a separate scene, later, when Joyce and Karen talk on the phone. they really wanted the fact that Will rolled the 7 at 8:15 to be documented but not obvious.

I'm still figuring out actual support for the idea beyond that and bikegate but I will keep these lights up until the day I DIE if there's a chance I can prove the UD is frozen at 8:15.

part 2 soon to follow :)

tagged: @mlchaelwheeler @himynameis4 @steviescrystals @strangertwistoffate

#some of this isn't me cracking mysteries it's just me understanding things we were supposed to understand all along #but I promise some of it will be new for most of you #givehimthemedicine analysis #mine #how the upside down works #analysis #givehimthemedicine big analysis #im /hj about the bike part am I wrong probably is it hilarious to imagine yes

[hetalia-club]

Finally i don't feel alone in thinking the fandom is toxic, because I had to deal with a horrible amount of ableism (for literal disabilities I have and apparently someone thought I was incontinent and basically compared incontinent people to diaperfuckers) and even still I have to hide behind anon due to the fact the fandom also has a problem with stalking too, since i have been stalked by people who made private accounts around me and screenshotting everything I said to the point I had to actually talk to someone from the Trevor Project because I genuinely did not feel safe

apologies for the rambling, this fandom isn't normal about disabled people

Honey I'm so sorry :(. Yes people are mean and something about this fandom normalizes it. Idk what it is exactly. People say it's 'always been this way' and while that's true it HAS gotten WORSE. mainly because the fandom is smaller and the assholes just sort of all form a cult together and thrive off each others negativity. They say the people with the worse opinions are the loudest and that couldn't be more true within this fandom.

Also the ability to go fully anonymous on this sight is both a blessing and a plague. I do feel that there SHOULD be a way to find out who the anon was. I myself have been consistently harassed by a Spain kin for almost 5 years. It used to really get to me and it doesn't anymore. I truly just no longer give a shit. I went on Hiatus for 2 years and they CAME BACK! Like they were waiting in the shadows and like a bond vilian just turned in their chair and were like "well well well...". It's just kind of funny if you think about it I live rent free in their dome and they don't even know me. An I can't block them because they are always on anon. So I just delete it and carry on with my life. Last year my therapist diagnosed me with Avoidant Personality Disorder and it answered a lot of questions I've always had about myself. Which means I am an extremely shy person chronically so. I take things to heart even if I shouldn't. I feel things very deeply for myself and for other people and animals. My therapist taught me some tools to try and help me deal and I got an increase in my meds. One of those was to not watch the news or actively sought out negative events because those destroy me. I just can't take it. It's a huge trigger for me and I wish it wasn't I don't like the idea that I make it about me' in some way. It doesn't really do much but it numbs me a bit and makes me care less. It still affects me sure but I feel too unbothered to care. My AI covers have been a HUGE stress relief for me and a good distraction from my feelings. But again it's just a distraction. They are little boosts of serotonin to make and it makes me happy and it makes me even happier when someone enjoys it.

The reason I tell you this is to help you understand that no one really gives a shit. That sounds harsh but please let me elaborate on that. I mean I have straight told people "I am legit too shy to function and I do not like to talk about certain things because it gives me major embarrassment that can last actual days. Can we find a new topic or maybe pivot." but they don't actually listen to me about it. And I understand that it's hard to remember everyone's little quirks but to constantly have to remind people and for them to just "Oh yeah sorry... anyway like I was saying" really stings. Because of my disorder you can imagine I have an extremely hard time speaking my mind and standing up for myself. I want everyone to like me I don't want anyone to dislike me to a fault. I will ignore my own feelings and emotions to let others speak about what makes them happy even if sometimes it does sting. So I actually very much do know exactly where you are coming from with that. Just please remember that these are strangers online. Yes they can say hurtful things but the second you close teh app they disappear. They don't actually matter. And YES I am fully aware that this is easier said than done please believe me on that.

This fandom does have a serious issue with ignoring and disrespecting others disabilities. Especially some that are not really heard about/normalized much like yours or mine. I 100% know everyone thinks I'm lying about my personality disorder being a real thing If they don't want to understand me I can't make them, which sucks but I have no control over that. I wish it were not that way but we can't change other people and the way they think/ act but we can work on ourselves and how we process harassment. I wish you luck anon, you're never alone on this bitch of an earth, love you <3

[aperrywilliams]

We Could Try (Part 9): Take Me Home (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

Author Masterlist / Clueless (prequel)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Summary: Spencer stays with Reader all night in the hospital. Will she make it at the end? Will they make it too?

Word Count: 6.1k

Warnings: Hurt/Confort/Fluff. Talk about rough injuries, hospitals, and hostage situations. If I forgot something, let me know.

A/N: This is the last chapter, my loves. Thank you so much for the support you gave to this series. I love these two so much, and it's a bit sad to let them go, honestly.

------------------

Spencer forgot the last time he had a nice dream. It was possibly months ago.

It was curious that, in these circumstances, he could dream of something nice again, but that's how it was.

-

He could see (Y/N) laughing as he tried to sing a song.

"You're so off-key," she complained, still laughing.

"But I'm your off-key guy. And you love me," Spencer told her, pecking her lips.

"You're right. But don't push it, pal," she teased him, playfully hitting his chest. Spencer chuckled as he pulled her to him.

"Come on, say it," Spencer requested.

"Say what?" (Y/N) asked as she didn't know what he was talking about.

"You know what!" Spencer pouted. (Y/N) grinned.

"Okay, okay. Don't get all fuzzy on me," (Y/N) said, holding Spencer's cheeks when he tried to avert her gaze. "Hey, look at me." Spencer's puppy eyes met hers.

"Spencer Walter Reid. I love you. I love you as I never loved anyone, and I will never do," she said, leaning forward to kiss him deeply. Spencer wanted that; he felt like the happiest man on earth.

-

His dream was disturbed by Emily, who had a coffee for him in hand, and a go-bag with - presumably - his clothes.

"You should sleep on the couch there," she pointed to the room corner. "That chair is anything but comfortable."

After rubbing his eyes, Spencer shook his head.

"I'm not leaving her side. Thanks though," Spencer stated, grabbing the coffee and sipping it. Emily understood.

"Okay. So for you to know, the case is officially closed. We found the connection we had missed between Turpin and his accomplishes. They are going to face trial now," she recounted.

"What about what he did to (Y/N)?"

"The guy is dead, Spencer. And due it was a legit defense, (Y/N) won't have to worry about protocol or anything."

Spencer let out a deep breath. They both kept staring at (Y/N), her breathing steady.

"Do you think she would make it?" He asked suddenly. Prentiss sighed, looking at (Y/N) lying in bed.

"She is the toughest girl I have known. That gives me enough hope." Spencer nodded. He would cling to that.

"Did you know she didn't want me to move in with her in Boston? I was so angry. I didn't see she still felt insecure about us. I thought everything was going okay. I'm so stupid," Spencer lamented. He should have known, and that made him feel guilty.

"No, you are not. But it's true that (Y/N) felt still vulnerable, and all the what-ifs lingering on her," Emily acknowledged, sipping her own coffee. Spencer turned to see her.

"She told you that?" Emily frowned, contemplating her answer.

"Not quite. But I know."

Spencer nodded, slumping on the chair.

"I love her, Emily. What can I do to make her come back?"

Spencer wasn't talking only about (Y/N) waking up. Things between them weren't on the highest note. Even if she could make it, what would it mean to them?

"The same you're doing since you got together again. With love, support, and communication. I don't know what else could work," Emily shrugged. "The wounds could still be there, but the constant reminder that you have each other will be helpful to heal. To both of you," she added.

And Prentiss was right. She had known Spencer and (Y/N) for years. She witnessed how they fell in love and the ups and downs throughout the past years. Their love wasn't something it could be underestimated.

Spencer spent that night by (Y/N)'s side. A doctor came the next morning to check on her. It was a good thing she didn't seize in the past hours. The danger wasn't entirely gone, but things were improving. A sense of relief washed over Spencer. Relief but anxiety, too, about what's coming next.

A whole day passed, and the team showed up to get updates on (Y/N). Some teammates from the Boston office came too. Spencer asked Emily to call (Y/N)'s sister, Sara. He didn't dare to do it himself.

That night Spencer didn't sleep again, even if his eyes were heavy and his body numb from the hours spent on that chair.

His mind wandered to the months at Milburn and how he was convinced (Y/N) would leave him. He thought about what Valerie told him days ago, about him making sure (Y/N) would never feel unworthy again. He didn't want (Y/N) to think like that.

It was almost dawn when the tiredness got Spencer. He closed his eyes, not leaving the grasp on (Y/N)'s hand as the slumber found him. His brain conjured a beautiful moment in his sleep: the time he proposed to her in Rossi's backyard.

-

'Are you okay?' (Y/N) asked Spencer when she noticed his leg bouncing under the table.

'Yeah. I'm okay,' Spencer lied. He was a nervous wreck. The velvet box was burning a hole in his jacket pocket. He tried to do it before dinner, but the words failed him. Why was it so difficult? He wanted to marry her. But if she says no? They have talked about it but never got serious before.

After dessert, the team was still at the table, laughing at Garcia's jokes. Spencer excused himself, got up, and walked to the backyard. He needed to do it now. He texted JJ and asked her to tell (Y/N) to go outside.

Worried that something was wrong with Spencer, (Y/N) showed up quickly and found him under dimmed lights that hung from the trees on Rossi's patio. When Spencer saw her, he reached out his hand to take hers and make her come closer.

'What's this?' She asked, confused.

'My poor attempt to make this proposal romantic,' he chuckled, pointing to the lights.

'What?'

‘(Y/N). I have been in love with you for ages. I told you that after I got shot, and I wasn't lying. This time we have been together proved to me that you are the love of my life. And I want to spend the rest of my days with you.' (Y/N)'s eyes widened when Spencer got down to one knee, revealing the velvet box with a ring inside.

'Will you marry me?'

The whole team watched from the glass doors and cheered when (Y/N) said yes, and Spencer put the ring on her finger. After all those years, it was happening at last.

Little did they know things wouldn't work like it was supposed to.

-

Still deep in sleep, Spencer had his body contorted with his head resting on (Y/N) 's mattress —an arm over her lap with his hand holding hers. Spencer's hair was a messy bird's nest, and his clothes were entirely wrinkled.

"You look like crap."

That voice brought Spencer to reality.

As he perked his head up, Spencer noticed a pair of half-lidded eyes looking at him. (Y/N) was awake. Tears began to stream from Spencer's eyes. They were happy tears but filled with pent-up stress from the last couple of days.

"Oh, God," he mumbled, kissing her hand and standing to give (Y/N) his full attention.

(Y/N) returned a weary smile. It was great to be alive, despite her aching body.

"How - how are you feeling?" Spencer stuttered, unsure if it was a good idea to ask but desperate to hear her voice again.

"Like someone beat the shit out of me, I guess?" (Y/N) paused to let out a deep sigh before continuing. "How bad is it?"

(Y/N) didn't know the extent of her injuries. She didn't figure out either how much time had passed since they found them in that basement.

"You will be okay. Everything will be okay. You need the rest, though. Your healing process depends on it," Spencer responded, not giving details about her wounds. The doctor would do that later.

(Y/N) nodded and cleared her throat, feeling her mouth dry. Spencer noticed and quickly grabbed a cup of water from the bedside table. He helped her to take a couple of sips.

"What happened after I-?" (Y/N) trailed off. 

The memories from the days at Turpin's mercy were coming back in pieces. "How is Valerie?"

(Y/N) didn't know; she fainted before the SWAT team helped Valerie to remove her restraints. (Y/N) wasn't sure either how badly that psycho had beaten her.

"Valerie is fine; she was discharged yesterday," Spencer informed.

"And Turpin's body?"

(Y/N) wanted to get all the information she missed, but maybe it was too soon. Spencer thought that.

"Hey, take it easy. Let's talk about that later, okay?"

(Y/N) nodded. Spencer was right. Also, the pain medication surely was getting effect on her because her eyes were feeling heavy and her body weary.

"I feel dizzy," (Y/N) mumbled, half awake, half asleep.

"That's why you need to rest. I'll inform the doctor to check on you later, okay?" Spencer kissed her hand again. (Y/N) couldn't respond because she was already asleep.

It was reassuring to have seen her awake. Spencer felt like he could breathe again. He hoped things would go well from here, and the doctor could say everything was in order. Before going for her, Spencer stared at (Y/N) as she slept. To see her face all bruised and the wounds on her body hurt more than if he had been hit. If he could have protected her somehow. If only all this could have been avoided.

Slowly Spencer left the room, closing the door behind him. The silence was quickly replaced by someone angrily calling his name. When he looked up, he saw (Y/N)'s sister approaching swiftly, a nurse behind her.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!"

The question was quickly accompanied by a nudge towards Spencer's shoulder. Spencer's eyes broadened; he could see all the anger in Sara's eyes.

"Miss, you can't do that-" the nurse tried to stop Sara, but she wasn't listening. Spencer froze on the spot. What could he say? He was very aware Sara didn't like him, but seeing her in that state was something else.

"I asked you a fucking question! What are you doing here? It's me who needs to be here, not you," Sara interjected.

"Sara-" Spencer started, but she cut him off before he could say something.

"You are the one to blame. How is that my sister ends kidnapped with your mistress, uh? Wasn't everything you made her suffer in the past enough?"

"What? Sara, that's not what happened," Spencer tried to explain, but Sara was already too agitated to try to reason.

"No? Wasn't my sister who got the brunt for defending that bitch? Uh?"

Spencer's tongue got caught in his mouth. How the hell did Sara know all of that? Sara let out a sarcastic laugh.

"You weren't expecting me to know that, right? And no, Emily didn't tell me. She is your friend, after all. She wouldn't do it. But the police down there were kind enough to enlighten me."

Of course. There is always a way. How to explain to her the intricacy of the whole thing now? Spencer could try, but they needed a long talk to do that.

"It's not that way, Sara. I can explain what really happened, but not here. Can we talk in another place, please?" Spencer tried to guide Sara down the hall where the cafeteria was; they could have more privacy there.

"Don't touch me! And no, I don't need you to explain to me anything! I know enough. I can't believe you, really," she huffed, stepping back from him. "You are the worst thing that happened to her. I thought you were decent, but you're just another scumb."

"I love (Y/N)!" Spencer defended, and that was the last straw for Sara.

"Don't you dare to say that! You don't have the right!"

A security guard stepped between them before Sara could lunge at Spencer.

"Miss, stop! I said stop!" the guard said as he put Sara at a distance. "You need to come with me; you're not staying here," he added.

"What?!" Sara asked in disbelief. Spencer intervened before the guy could take Sara out.

"No, no. It's okay. She is right. She is the one who has to be here. It's Miss (Y/L/N)'s sister," he confirmed. "I'm leaving now. Please, let her see her sister," Spencer requested.

Not very convinced, the guard looked at the nurse, who nodded, confirming Spencer's information. Only then did Sara calm down, lowering her arms and taking a deep breath.

"Okay. But please, if you make another turmoil, I'll have to get you out of the hospital," the guard warned. Sara nodded, looking now at the nurse, who reacted quickly.

"This way, miss," she told her, leading Sara toward (Y/N)'s room. As they passed, she barely glanced at Spencer when she spoke, only for him to hear.

"I don't want you near to her. Leave her alone."

With (Y/N)'s sister and the nurse out of sight, the security guard turned to Spencer.

"Are you okay, sir?" he asked empathetically. Spencer nodded.

"Ye - Yeah. She's her family and has the right to be mad at me," he mumbled, stuffing his hands in his pockets. The guard gave him a tight slipped smile before excusing himself from continuing his job.

Spencer didn't notice his hands were shaking. It was more than Sara's outburst. The words coming from her mouth gave Spencer a sense of drowning. He was the one to blame.

-

When (Y/N) woke up again, she hoped to see Spencer by her side. But instead, she saw Sara sitting in the same chair Spencer had done before. She was reading a book.

"Sara?" she mumbled. Her sister looked at her, a smile creeping on her face.

"Hey, it's good to see you awake," she replied, placing the book beside her.

"How long have I been out?" (Y/N) asked, trying to shift into a comfortable position. Sara checked her watch.

"When I arrived, you were already asleep. Then the doctor came to check on you. So I would say twelve hours or so," Sara noted.

It didn't feel that long, according to (Y/N). Her body still felt numb, although she was more conscious of her movements and surroundings.

"What did she say?"

"The doctor? She said you are doing great, considering," Sara informed.

Should she ask for Spencer? (Y/N) already suspected why he wasn't there, though.

As (Y/N) didn't say anything, Sara felt the need to break the silence.

"Jeez (Y/N), what the hell happened? Emily called me, but she didn't mention any detail," her sister recounted. (Y/N) sighed. "I almost freaked out when the cops outside told me you were in this pavilion. Who did this, sis?"

For (Y/N), it was a semi-rhetorical question, but she felt the urge to answer.

"A misogynist son of the bitch," she murmured. "But it's okay. It's over," (Y/N) hastened to say, knowing Sara always hated her job, especially the fieldwork and its consequences. For (Y/N), it was evident Sara wanted to say something about it, but their conversation was cut off by a nurse who entered to check on her.

"Agent (Y/L/N). How are you feeling?"

The next hours were pretty much the same. (Y/N) still would dozen off quickly after waking up. From time to time, a nurse would come to take her vitals and fill her chart as her sister kept her company.

The following day, (Y/N)'s doctor did a new medical check. The results were good enough to allow her to be transferred to a new room in the non-critical patient ward.

(Y/N) was grateful for having her sister there but felt uneasy when the time passed and Spencer didn't show. She needed to talk to him but was afraid to ask.

The opportunity came when Prentiss visited her two days later.

"You look way better," Emily stated.

"Don't lie. I look like a fucking pushing ball," (Y/N) groaned.

"A pushing ball in a healing process," Emily corrected, chuckling. "What did the doctor say?"

"She says (Y/N) would be able to leave in a week or so," Sara - who was there too - responded.

"That's great!"

"Yeah. It will be a way long week, though," (Y/N) whined, sighing.

Emily sensed some of (Y/N) 's discomfort. And she suspected why too. Emily talked to Spencer, and he mentioned his no-friendly encounter with Sara. The question was if (Y/N) knew what had happened.

When silence settled in the room, (Y/N)'s sister realized maybe they needed some privacy.

"I'm going to grab a coffee. Want some?" She asked Prentiss.

"No, thank you. I'm fine."

Once Sara was out of sight, (Y/N) immediately shot the question.

"Okay. What happened? I know there is something with Spencer, but Sara won't tell me anything."

Emily shook her head, sitting on the bed's edge.

"Let's say Sara didn't take very well to seeing Spencer here under these circumstances."

"Where is he now?" (Y/N) asked worriedly. Emily chuckled.

"It's a little bizarre, to be honest. Spencer has spent the whole week here but hidden from Sara's sight. He talks to the nurses and your doctor as well, and they give him updates on your health state. The nurses love him because they find the whole situation like a modern version of Romeo and Juliet." (Y/N) chuckled. Bizarre asides, it was adorable.

"Emily, what should I do? Last time I checked, I wasn't a teenager." Prentiss nodded.

"I know. But Spencer doesn't want to be a problem for you knowing Sara is here. And, well, considering the things she said to him, he has been feeling very guilty."

(Y/N) frowned. She wasn't surprised about Sara's temper, but with her dislike for Spencer, the combination could be lethal.

"What did she say to him?"

"I don't think it's my position to tell you about it. It's your sister, (Y/N). You need to figure it out and ask her. And you have to decide how you want to get to terms in this matter."

Prentiss was right on that. Although the mess between Sara and Spencer, she was the one who needed to cut it off. (Y/N) loves her sister and appreciates her concern, but it was her life and her decisions, and she must know that.

Before Emily left, (Y/N) asked her a favor.

-

That night (Y/N) kept thinking about what she wanted to do. She decided to talk to Sara the next morning to clear things up. Sara should know what (Y/N) wanted for her life.

"Can we talk?" (Y/N) asked her sister when she peeked in that morning.

"Sure. What's it?" Sara grabbed a chair and sat close to (Y/N)'s bed.

"You already know," (Y/N) pointed. Sara huffed with discomfort, leaning back in the chair.

"It took you long enough."

"What happened, Sara?"

"What? Emily didn't tell you?"

"No, in fact, she didn't. And I want to hear it from you."

Sara nodded. After crossing her leg over her knee, she described what had happened when she saw Spencer in the hospital that afternoon.

"Was I too rough? Yes. Do I regret it? Not at all," Sara finished.

"It wasn't like that. That was my decision, Sara. And I know the outcome wasn't something pleasant to anyone, but Spencer doesn't have any blame for that," (Y/N) explained. Sara shook her head.

"You know I'm not only talking about you being kidnapped and tortured."

"About that, you know I decided to give it a try. I truly appreciate your concern and know you don't want me to get hurt again. But I love Spencer, Sara. And in the time we have been together, he earned my trust back. It's true I still had doubts, but they were because of my own insecurities. Valerie managed to get that to surface, and I never did o say anything to voice that feeling," (Y/N) chuckled to herself. "You know? It's the first time I admit it aloud, and I feel relieved."

"But Spencer was the one who brought Valerie into your life. Of course, he is responsible."

(Y/N) knew Sara was right in the facts, but her point was different.

"It could have been anyone at any time. Don't think I haven't thought about it," she tried to explain. Sara raised an eyebrow.

"And your conclusion?"

"I can't stay between four walls expecting not to be hurt again. Not if it means running away from the chance to be happy. Life is so fragile that I don't want to waste another minute running and hiding."

(Y/N)'s eyes filled with tears, and her heart with love for the man she knew was her forever. Her sister noticed. How couldn't she? It didn't matter if she disliked him; Spencer was de the man (Y/N) chose.

"He is a lucky bastard," Sara mumbled. (Y/N) chuckled.

"I know he'll agree with you," (Y/N) teased.

"If not, I'm going to kill him for real," Sara warned as (Y/N) shook her head. After some seconds of silence, (Y/N) spoke, giving puppy eyes to her sister.

"Can you call him, please?"

"What? I would prefer not to," she responded. (Y/N) pouted.

"Come on, it's what your beautiful sister wants. Please?"

Sara pressed her lips together, trying not to give in. (Y/N) narrowed her eyes to her.

"Sara, if you don't call him, I will get up from this bed and look for him myself," (Y/N) forewarned.

"What? You can't do that! You're injured, for God's sake," Sara shrieked.

"Sure I won't," (Y/N) defied, sitting in the bed, swinging her feet out of the covers.

"Hey, hey. Stop! Okay!"

(Y/N) halted her doing but looked at her sister with a raised eyebrow.

"I'll go to get him, okay? Just don't get up. I don't want to see you almost bare walking through the hospital corridors. Besides, maybe he is not here either."

"And whose fault would that be?" (Y/N) whined, and her sister rolled her eyes.

"I insist it's not a good idea, but who can change your mind anyway?" Sara huffed before leaving the room.

-

Emily wasn't joking when she told (Y/N) the nurses loved Spencer. They did check on him constantly in the corner of the waiting room where he spent most of the time. They warned him when (Y/N) 's sister was near, and in the past few days, they even allowed him to take naps in a room the doctors have on that floor for that very purpose.

He was doing precisely that when Ashley - one of the nurse's staff - woke him up.

"Doctor Reid? Someone wants to see you."

Thinking it could be Emily, he stood quickly and left the room, rubbing his eyes.

"Spencer?" Sara called. It wasn't a sweet tone but quiet enough not to make a fuss in the hospital corridor. Immediately Spencer opened his eyes and straightened his posture.

"Uh. Sara. Hey. I wasn't- I -" He stuttered, regaining consciousness. He wasn't expecting to see her, and considering her instructions to stay away, Spencer didn't want another fight.

"Don't. I don't want to hear it. I'm only here because she wants to see you," Sara cut him off.

"(Y/N) wants to-?" Spencer tried to follow Sara's words. She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"That's what I said. And even if my better judgment still tells me I should kick your ass, I won't do something against my sister's wishes."

In that matter, Sara was right. She still didn't like Spencer and blamed him for many things that caused pain (Y/N). But despite that, she loves (Y/N) and respects her decisions.

Spencer nodded appreciatively in silence while straightening his clothes. Before Sara changed her opinion, he walked toward (Y/N)'s room.

(Y/N)'s lips formed into a smile when Spencer peeked through the door.

"Hey," he mumbled, closing the door behind him.

"Hey, Romeo," (Y/N) teased, shifting to a sitting position. Spencer chuckled, eyes to the floor, embarrassed.

"How are you feeling?" he asked shyly, not getting too close in case (Y/N) didn't want it. Sara's words still reverberated in his mind.

"Much better. The doctor said it would take some time, but I'm gonna be okay. But for what I was told, you already know that," (Y/N) commented. Spencer smiled, cheeks tinting in a red shade.

"Kind of. They told me you were getting better, but it's different when you say it."

A silence settled in the room. (Y/N) could see Spencer's reluctance to approach. With hands in his pockets, he stood there at a safe distance from her. (Y/N) knew why.

"Spencer, please, forgive Sara. She is having a hard time," (Y/N) tried to explain. Spencer bit his lower lip, nodding.

"I know. I know," he acknowledged. "She is not wrong, though," he added. (Y/N)'s eyes enlarged.

"What? No! In fact, she's wrong. You didn't kidnap me or beat me. It was Turpin," (Y/N) reasoned.

That was a fact, but (Y/N) already suspected it was more than that.

"That's the only thing we can blame another person for, but everything before? Sara hates me, and she is right," he voiced, averting his gaze from (Y/N)'s.

"Do you really think that?" She questioned, fearing the answer.

It was a conversation they needed to have. A conversation that was transpiring months way late and not in a better setting, but it has to be done.

"That your sister hates me, and she's right?" Spencer scoffed and posed like it was obvious.

"And you are the worst thing that could have happened to me. Because that's what she told you, isn't it?"

Spencer gulped hard. Those were Sara's words, indeed. Does he believe them, though? The most important thing: does (Y/N) believe them?

"Yeah. That. She is your sister; she must know and be right about that."

(Y/N)' s eyes softened. She recognized that look—the same look of self-deprecation and shrinking she had after Valerie's words that night at the bar.

"You can't really think that. And not because you cannot be able to sabotage yourself - a thing I know you do. You can't because it's not true." 

Spencer downcasted his gaze. It was hard to believe he wasn't responsible for a brunch of (Y/N)'s painful moments.

"Damn it, Spencer! Some of the best days of my life have been with you!" (Y/N) blurted, trying to make her point. And in some way, she succeeded as Spencer's eyes met hers.

"But I hurt you. And I still do! I promised you not to. And I stupidly thought it was time to move forward when you weren't ready and still had doubts. What kind of boyfriend could I be if I can't notice that?"

His hands, previously tucked in his pockets, now ran through his hair. The gesture told (Y/N) how troubled he felt.

"Well. I didn't say anything, either," she indicated to erase some of the weight Spencer was putting on him.

"It doesn't matter, (Y/N). I should have known."

Spencer's arms slumped to his sides. He still wanted to torture himself because he felt he deserved it.

"And for that, you are going to give up?"

Those words made him frown in confusion. Give up what?

"Uh?"

(Y/N) sighed, reaching for his hand so he could come closer. Spencer hesitated for a second but then gave in, holding her hand and sitting beside her on the mattress. To feel her touch was strange and comforting at the same time.

"Spencer. We have been through a lot these months since we decided we could try this. And even if not everything has gone perfectly, God! I'm so glad we did!"

(Y/N)'s voice was filled with emotion. Recounting the past months, she felt nothing but happy about their time together.

"Me too! But I can't stop thinking I didn't do enough to fix what I broke when I pushed you away for Valerie."

(Y/N) shook her head, stroking Spencer's hand lovingly.

"Don't say that. You have done enough. The thing is, you can't expect to fix something like that on your own. Yeah, the reassurance helps, but it's not the only thing to be done. I mean, I always told you how therapy or talking to another person could help you confront what happened in jail. Still, it seems I didn't listen to my own advice," (Y/N) mused, bringing Spencer's hand to her lips to kiss it.

"What changed?" He asked, now playing with her fingers in his.

"When I was in that basement, at some point, I thought we wouldn't make it. And the fact I would never see you again almost broke me. I think that was an efficient wake-up call," (Y/N) explained, smiling sadly.

"I'm sorry. I should have been faster locating Turpin to save you from him," Spencer apologized, remembering the frustration during the hours they were in the dark on how to catch the unsub.

"You did save me, Spencer, even if you didn't pull the trigger."

Spencer tilted his head in confusion. How did he do that? (Y/N) noticed he didn't understand what she said.

"My mind focused on the most important moments we had shared. I conjured every memory that reminded me why I'm so in love with you. That kept me strong."

Spencer's eyes turned glassy. Jesus, the woman in front of him, went through hell in the past days and was there, alive and declaring her love for him. Did he deserve that?

"(Y/N), you're already the strongest woman I know. You did this by yourself," Spencer tried to refute as (Y/N) shook her head.

"Believe me. At some point, my inner strength wasn't enough. It's true when I tell you motivation is a powerful source. And you were mine. The chance to tell you 'I love you' and 'I trust you' encouraged me to survive," she meant.

"You do?" Spencer asked, almost choking with the tears he tried to keep at bay.

"Yes, my love. And I needed to tell you. I couldn't have died before that. I would never have forgiven myself if I didn't. I love you, and I trust you," (Y/N) declared, not breaking eye contact with Spencer. Now his tears ran free down his cheeks as he brought (Y/N) 's hand to his lips to kiss it. A gesture that told (Y/N) they were getting there.

"I love you, and I trust you, too," he murmured, lolling at the softness of her hand on his lips. "And I'm sorry if I made you think I didn't."

"It wasn't only about the possibility you could cheat or disrespect me. It was the idea you couldn't trust me about what you were feeling. Because we both know when things between us started to go down, and it was before Valerie," (Y/N) explained, and Spencer nodded in understanding.

"Jail," he filled in.

"Why didn't you tell me what was happening then? I asked myself that so many times, and my conclusion was you didn't trust me anymore. And that our love was dying. I feared it was the end. And then Valerie came into your life. Yeah, it could be easier to blame her for snatching you from me. But I kept silently blaming myself."

Spencer was about to say something, but (Y/N) didn't let him.

"Yes. We talked about it, and you explained why you pushed me away. But my mind kept lingering with the idea I wasn't enough for you. The box of all my insecurities exploded wide open. And that's why Valerie's words touched a nerve so deep in me."

Spencer's grasp of her hands tightened, trying to convey how badly he wanted to hold her and push away her insecurities.

"Valerie told me what she said to you that night. And it is the farthest from the truth. (Y/N), I wasn't tired of you. I wasn't expecting an excuse to leave you. I just wanted to keep you safe from the beast I thought I became. And I'm so sorry because now I can truly see how it hurt you," Spencer recognized.

"It's okay, Spencer. Things could be different now, or I least wish that," (Y/N) 's voice was hopeful. Spencer nodded eagerly.

"They could, and they will. I promise. I will do anything to spare you from feeling that again. Baby, I love you as I had never loved someone. You are the light of my life. My best friend, my lover, the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. And this time, love, it will be really at your pace," Spencer vowed.

(Y/N) grinned, feeling the butterflies erupting in her stomach. That was what she needed to take the leap of faith. No more running, no more hiding. Spencer mirrored her grin, rubbing her cheek lovingly. Their eyes were talking in silence and promising forever love.

"I would really love it if you kissed me now," (Y/N) whispered. Spencer chuckled.

"Yes, ma'am."

Slowly he leaned, tenderly cupping (Y/N)'s cheeks. She closed her eyes, breath picking up in anticipation. When their lips touched, every doubt and every insecurity melted away. And instead, the kiss made way for the fire that had always glowed between them. The flame that brought them together the first time has remained lit.

(Y/N)'s hands flew to grab Spencer's shirt. The sensation of his lips on her was so intense that she felt lightheaded. 

They would have continued showing their love for each other if the need for breath hadn't been so strong. Several I love yous were blurted as they parted briefly before kept kissing.

At some point (Y/N) reluctantly ended the kiss to rest her forehead on his.

"I want to go home," (Y/N) mumbled, her eyes closed, basking in the feeling of Spencer's breath fanning her face.

Spencer leaned back a bit to look at her. His eyes softened. It was a fair wish, although that reminded him they were still in a long-distance relationship. But Spencer had already promised (Y/N) to go at her pace, so he didn't want to overwhelm her.

"You will, but you need to recover first," he pointed, caressing her cheek. (Y/N) sighed.

"Will you take me home?" she asked, looking at him hopefully. Spencer nodded.

"Of course. I will rent a car and drive us to Boston as soon as your doctor discharges you," he promised.

"No. Don't do that," (Y/N) requested. Spencer narrowed his eyes.

"Why not? The doctor will not allow you to fly yet," Spencer tried to reason.

"I know that," (Y/N) acknowledged. "I was talking about driving us to Boston," she clarified. Spencer was more confused now.

"(Y/N), you said you wanted to go home," he reminded her. (Y/N) smiled.

"Yeah. To go home, with you, in DC," (Y/N) explained. Spencer's eyes widened.

"What?! DC? You mean, as long as you can heal the injuries, right?" Spencer wanted to clarify. (Y/N) giggled, knowing Spencer wouldn't assume her real wish until she said it loud and clear.

"No, baby. I want to stay in DC as long as you'll have me. Spencer, I can't be away from you for another minute. I don't want to either. You're my home; our history and friends are in DC. That's my home."

"But- your life in Boston? Your job?" Spencer stuttered. (Y/N) grabbed his hands in hers and squeezed them.

"It doesn't matter. Believe me, none of that is something I want to keep. Not when my heart is with you," (Y/N) reassured. Spencer was still processing her words.

"Are- are you serious? We don't have to do this. I mean, I can be the one who could move to Boston," Spencer reminded her.

"I know. But there is no reason for me to stay there. Adrian was right; I went to Boston because I was running and hiding from what had happened. I don't have to do that anymore."

Spencer's confusion morphed into happiness.

"God, I love you," he blurted before trapping her lips in a sweet kiss. (Y/N) giggled into the kiss.

"I love you, too," (Y/N) responded once they parted. "And I really want this. Back then, we decided we could try, and against the odds, we made it. Now it's time to go home. Together. Please, take me home," she asked him with hopeful eyes. Spencer smiled and nodded.

"Let's go home then," he whispered before kissing her forehead.

They both were ready for the next chapter of their lives.

------------------

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