#and then theres a story that i did write also around six years ago | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

laurie-stark · 3 years

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Bags

(not my gif)

Summary: After another duffle bag of supplies washes up on shore, the girls realize that they’re going to be stuck here for a while. Episode six rewrite. 3.0k words.

Pairings: Toni Shalifoe x fem!reader

Warnings: Swearing, throwing up

A/N: Okay listen I just wanted Toni fanfic but no one was writing it so here you go. Also I really tried too hard to get the bed sharing trope LEAVE ME ALONE I LIKE IT PSLFDLJ (this is your reminder to turn on Interactivefics xx) oh and also theres a bit in here thats heavily inspired by @ drewstarkeys Toni fic which you all should go read asap its amazing.

This was weird. It was really fucking weird. It had only been four days since we found Jannette’s grave empty. Four days since we found a clean water source. The longer we stayed on this god forsaken island, the more it felt like we were never getting off. And now another round of duffle bags have shown up. You know, as crazy as I think she is sometimes, Leah’s starting to have a point. Something is way off about this place.

Nora and Rachel were the ones who spotted the bags. They washed up on the rocky side of the beach, covered in weeds. Dot was hoping for some more food, maybe more medicine if we were lucky. But to all our confusion, all the bags contained were blankets and pillows. Ten pillows and five blankets, Dot so cheerfully announced. My first red flag was that the insides were completely dry. I didn’t want to say anything though. I was sure there was a reason for this.

“There’s enough shit here for us to double up,” Dot told us while Nora and I laid out the makeshift beds. “Except for one person who gets to sleep alone.”

“Well that’s not fair, why does one person get a bed all to herself?” Rachel asked, standing up defensively.

I rose to my feet as well. “Why don’t we rotate it?” I suggested, hoping to relieve some of the tension. “W-with our off days. That way whoever’s off can have an extra good night’s sleep before they have to work again?” The girls all nodded their heads and mumbled words of agreement. Rachel sat back down on her log.

“Great idea y/n. So who’s bunking with who?” Dot asked. Rachel and Nora instinctively reached out for each other. Beside me, Toni looked to Martha. Martha gave Toni a weary look before reaching a hand out in the opposite direction. Towards Shelby. Even I had to stop myself from dropping my jaw.

Fatin gleefully agreed to pair with her “new bestie for the restie,” Dot. That left myself, Toni and Leah. I glanced between them. Leah was avoiding my eye and Toni...Toni just looked mad. It’s not that I don’t like Leah, I just don’t know her. Not that I know Toni any better, but at least Toni hasn’t gone batshit crazy more than once. On the other hand though, I didn’t find Leah unbelievably beautiful the way I did with Toni. And Toni would never want to bunk with me anyway. I crossed my arms, not doing a very good job at hiding my uncomfortableness. I was about to open my mouth to ask Leah to share when Toni called my name.

“Y/n,” I turned to face her, eyes wide. “You’re with me?” I nod and swallow hard. Fuck.

The sun was getting lower and lower in the sky, just like our food supply. Rachel offered to go foraging for something meatier in the morning, so at least I could look forward to that.

I shuffled under the blanket Toni and I shared. “Sorry you got stuck with me,” I whispered. “I can go sleep with Shelby if you want, so you can be with Marty?”

“Nah,” Toni shook her head. “I don’t mind. Besides, I don’t really think Marty wants anything to do with me right now.” I didn’t know what to say. I felt bad for her. A lifetime’s worth of friendship thrown out of the plane. Literally.

I wondered if anyone else was awake. The light from the fire was enough to see everyone’s feet but that’s about it. I still wasn’t accustomed to how dark it got at night. I was limited to just my hearing after the sun went down. I would try not to listen though. The more you listen, the more you realized how we definitely were not alone out there. Focusing on Toni’s breathing beside me was enough to keep me sane.

Couldn’t say the same for Leah though. She sat straight up and I thought she got bit by a crab or something.

“Does anyone else think that this is crazy?” She asked us.

Fatin groaned. “Leah, we got into a plane crash. Is that not enough crazy for you?”

“No seriously Fatin, what the fuck is going on?”

“What are you talking about,” Dot sat up.

“I mean these,” Leah held up a fist full of her blanket. “Where did they come from? Do none of you think that something’s up?”

I pushed myself upright. “I’m starting to agree with Leah.”

“Oh God, not you too,” Dot flopped back down onto her back.

“No, think about it,” I started. “A bag with medicine just happens to show up? And then we find Jannette’s grave empty!? And now these duffles appear with nine peoples worth of blankets and shit? Who brings that to a resort retreat? That’s weird. It’s really fucking weird.” Everyone was sitting up at this point, staring at me. “I didn’t say anything when we opened them, but these things were dry. Everything bone dry. Rachel and Nora found the bags on the shore, like they were washed up. They should have been soaking. Hell, they should have sunk!” I took a shaky breath in. “Every day we stay here the more it feels like we’re not leaving. It’s like someone wants us to stay here. I know I sound crazy but come on!”

“Y/n...”

“We don’t even remember the crash!”

“We all blacked out.”

“That’s not how plane crashes work though!” I realized how loud I had gotten. I noticed how Nora was sitting, hugging her knees tight. Shelby’s face was pale, even in the orange glow from the fire. I closed my eyes. “This isn’t my first crash.” I kept my eyes shut. I didn’t need to see their faces while I told this story. “I got into another one like eight or nine years ago. The engines broke and we crashed in a forest somewhere near Chicago. And I remember it all. I remember the engines failing, and the plane falling and the back coming off when we hit the trees. I didn’t black out until I was on the ground. So yeah, I think something is fucking off. This isn’t right, none of this is right! We shouldn’t be here, we shouldn’t-”

I started to choke on my own words. I think I was starting to throw myself into a frenzy. Something grabbed at my hand. It was Toni. She looked me in the eyes. There was something in her gaze that told me I was safe. Told me to calm down.

“Okay,” Dot said slowly. “I think we’re all starting to lose it a little bit Y/n. And no sleep isn’t gonna help. Let’s all try to get some shut eye, yeah?”

I nodded profusely and flipped onto my side, embarrassed now from that outburst. I guess I didn’t realize how far off the rails I’d been slipping. Silently, I started to cry.

I tried to stay as far away from Toni as possible. With my back to her, I figured that my crying could be somewhat camouflaged. I was very wrong.

“Hey,” Toni murmured. When I didn’t respond, she tugged on my shoulder to roll me over. I quickly wiped the tears off my cheeks. I couldn’t look at her directly. Her gaze softened. I realized then how close we were. Even in pitch darkness, I could still make out the outline of her face, her cheeks, her nose, her lips- I prayed she couldn’t hear how loud my heart was thumping. Toni reached a hand out and brushed another tear away. Had I started crying again? Jesus I was so far gone. “I know how you feel. I wanna get out of here too.’ I said nothing.

Toni moved to create some more space and put her arm out. I looked at her, questioning, though I doubt she could see my face. “Come here,” she said quietly. “I heard what you told us yesterday, about what your mom says? Sometimes you just need a hug.” I nearly started crying again right there. Slowly, I squirmed closer until my body was curled into hers. I smiled inwards. Besides the fact that my heart was trying to beat right out of my chest, I felt better. We both drifted off soon after.

I woke up to the sun shining way too bright and the sound of…snickering? I opened my eyes and tried not to get totally blinded by the light. I looked up to see Nora, Fatin and Dot standing over me, all chuckling.

“What?” I mumbled. I must have woken Toni up because she started moving underneath me.

Oh.

That’s why they were laughing.

I had fallen asleep curled into Toni’s side and woken up completely entangled with her. It wasn’t a one-sided thing either, she was holding on to me for dear life. What. The. fuck. I jolted upright, maybe a little too fast because the three girls around us started to laugh more.

“Good morning love birds,” Fatin cooed.

“Shut up,” Toni said, using a hand to shield her eyes. “We were conserving heat.”

“Yeah, what she said,” I smiled. “Is it breakfast already?”

“Not quite,” Dot shrugged. “Martha and Shelby are still getting some berries and shit.”

“Oh well in that case I’m going back to bed,” Toni grunted, rolling over. Her and I were on water duty today, so technically we had no need to be up before breakfast anyway. Dot and the girls made their way back to the fire. I was half awake though. Might as well start the day early too. Except that Toni seemed to have other plans.

Before I had the chance to get up Toni was tugging at my arm, silently asking me to come lay down. I gave in immediately. “Come keep me warm,” she mumbled. And so I did. As I laid my head down onto her chest, I noticed Shelby looking at us. She turned away when she met my gaze, but there was something behind her eyes. Disgust. Great, just what we needed. Stranded in the middle of nowhere with a fucking homophobe.

“Do you think Shelby is homophobic,” I asked lowly.

“I dunno, maybe? Why?”

“No reason, I just….That would be pretty awkward if she was.”

“Yeah…”

Nora woke me up a second time that day for breakfast. We ate in silence like we had done for the last few days. Food was running short and we were getting antsy. Toni and I broke away from the group after we ate with half of Fatin’s luggage bag. We trekked up and through the forest towards the waterfall. Neither of us said a word the whole trip. I was starting to overthink. Like, heavily overthink. In normal circumstances, overthinking might be appropriate. The night before was…not normal. But these were not ordinary circumstances. The middle of nowhere is probably the best place to have not normal and still be fine. Whatever. Right? Was it weird? Does she think I’m some weird crybaby now? Was that just a pity hug? Am I going absolutely crazy for no reason?

I’d gotten so wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn’t even notice we’d arrived back at camp. As Toni and I got to work, filling bottles to boil, Rachel was shouting from the top of a cliff. She was holding up a sack of something, I couldn’t quite make it out.

“Who’s ready to fucking feast?”

Mussels. Rachel found mussels. Now, I’d never been one for survival training but the one thing I knew was that seafood was a no.

“I really don’t mean to be a bubble burster, it’s just that seafood can be really dangerous,” I explained. Rachel looked like she wanted to take my head off. “And we do not have the vicinities to properly prepare these.”

“So what, you’re saying I’m trying to poison all of us?” Rachel challenged.

“No! No, no, not at all Rach. This was a great find, you did good.” I smiled wearily. “All I’m saying is that maybe someone should sit this one out, you know? Just in case. If we’re all sick then we’ve got no chance.”

“Great then who’s gonna be the starving one?”

“I don’t mind. I got berries.”

Turns out Shelby wouldn’t eat either. An allergy, I think she said. It felt good to see everyone this happy. Leah was genuinely smiling, Dot seemed a little less stressed. For a second it felt like we were actually on the retreat we were supposed to be on. Toni started to make out with her mussels. Or…well you know, with them. We all found it hilarious. Except for Shelby...

“Fuck you.” And with that Toni was off, running down the beach. I myself was on the brink of tears. Some churches man…they’ll brainwash even the best of 'em. I stared at the sand, not sure where to go. I wanted to chase after Toni, I wanted to stay right here and hide in the sand. The rest of the girls had gone quiet too.

“What?” Shelby asked. “Am I not allowed to have my own beliefs?”

“Not those ones,” I spat. I pushed myself up and jogged around the bend.

I saw Toni near the shoreline. She had her feet in the water. Cautiously, I crept up behind her. I didn’t want to startle her. “You good?”

Toni turned and her stance signaled she was ready for a fight. Her shoulders relaxed when she realized it was just me. “Yeah. No. Whatever, I just need a break from barbie bitch.”

“Yeah, you and me both,” I chuckled. “Will you though? Be okay?”

“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine.” She looked back out at the sea.

“G-good. Okay, I, uh…good, I’m glad,” I was muttering. I mutter when I’m nervous. Avoiding eye contact, all that fun stuff.

“Why are you so nervous?” Shit. So she did notice. “I mean you’re chill around everyone else but you get all twitchy around me. What’s with that?” She paused and her face fell a bit. “Do I scare you?”

“Oh god no,” I grasped her hand. “No I promise Toni, I’m not scared of you.”

“Then what?”

I look down at my toes. “I-I um…you-“ I swallow hard. “You’re pretty.”

She didn’t say anything and I was about ready to jump into the ocean and never come back. And then she laughed. She fucking laughed! Oh my god I was going to cry. I felt like I had just been publicly rejected in middle school all over again.

“That was cute,” Toni said, still chuckling a bit. I looked her dead in the eyes and she wasn’t kidding.

“Okay, I’m gonna go back now.” I turned on my heel and started walking back, very briskly might I add. I could not believe that just happened.

“Yeah me too-“Toni cut herself off and started heaving. I looked back. Toni was throwing up her entire stomach and then some. I rushed to her side, brushing the hair from her face. In the distance, I could see Rachel throwing up too. Oh Jesus Christ.

Shelby and I spent the rest of the day running from girl to girl, holding hair and passing out water. It was one huge haze of running back and forth, trying to make sure no one died. I knew that the mussels were a bad idea. God, how could I be so stupid? This was all my fault. Once Dot resurfaced from the dead, she took charge. Leah was sent to go find the medical bag while Dot and I boiled more water. She had me look over Toni and Marty while she took after the twins.

Toni was not good. By the time I got back to her, she was practically lifeless. Fatin was trying to get her to drink some canned water but it wasn’t working. Matha, who was equally unwell sat by idly, crying into her can of water and trying not to throw up again. I pulled Toni off of Fatin and into my lap, trying to get her to drink the water from my bottle. She kept turning her head away or pushing my hand. I pulled her closer and upright with one arm and got Fatin to hold her face in one place.

“Drink,” I told her. She couldn’t even speak but she shook her head. “Toni, drink. Please. You need to rehydrate for me okay?” I got her to drink a little, but she just couldn’t swallow. Martha started crying at some point. Luckily, Leah made it back with the medicine.

Trying to fight Toni into taking the pill was not working Especially not when everyone started crowding and screaming at myself and Dot. Shelby crouched to our level and took the pill from Dot. This only made things worse. No way in hell was Toni ever going to accept anything from Shelby. But blondie wasn’t going down without a fight. In one motion, she’d shoved me out of the way and climbed on top of Toni, dropping the pill into her mouth and forcing her to swallow.

Night fell and everyone was exhausted. Toni hadn’t woken up since Shelby drugged her and honestly I was getting a little worried she died in her sleep or something. Martha wasn’t looking too hot either. She’d broken into a sweat despite the cold of the night. Everyone else is tucked into their respective beds, dead silent. The cold night air made it easier to relax. After a day like today all i wanted to do was curl up next to Toni and never wake up.

Beside me, Toni started to stir. The weight I’d been carrying finally lifted off my shoulders. “Toni?”, I chimed. “Are you alive?”

“No,” she grumbled as she sat up, rubbing her eyes. I didn’t give her a moment more to readjust to life before I tackled her in a hug.

“Oh my god, you’re okay.” She laughed at me again, but this time I didn’t mind. Cause she wasn’t dead. Or close to dying. I pulled her back down on top of me. She fell asleep again in my arms. I smiled down at her. Once again, there was a moment where I wasn’t in living hell. It was just me and Toni. Somewhere safe. And warm, preferably. Everything was going to be okay.

And then Marty dropped dead.

#erana james #toni shalifoe #the wilds #amazon prime #shoni #shelby goodkind #leah x fatin #martha blackburn #dot campbell #rachel reid #nora reid #toni shalifoe x reader #toni shalifoe imagine

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kats-random-writing · 3 years

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Happy New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!! we made it! its been one hell of a year, but we did it, I gotta say I’m so proud of everyone! ❤️

also! looks who’s back writing agin? ME, i hope you like this fic, its a little longer then a drabble cuz I’m a wordy bitch apparently, but i like it and hope you guys do to, all art in this fic was by me too.

Happy New Year

Shigaraki X Reader

1475 words

16+ please, theres swearing and stuff, also mention of unwanted touching.

_______________________________________________________________________

The league was your home, you were surprised how easily you fit in, but I guess when you put a bunch of “misfits” together they all know how it feels to be an outcast.

You joined shortly after Toga and Dabi, but not for the same reasons, see they followed stain, you not so much, you believed in Shigaraki. You’d been following his exploits as best you could, and had seen his growth from inexperienced leader to now, a terrifying force to be reckoned with. You believed in him. And it had nothing to do with the fact that you kind of thought he was attractive. Nope! Definitely not! He was a good leader for a cause you believed in, that’s it, totally!

Moving in the league, was…..not what you expected, it was chaotic, loud, and perfect. Everyone took care of each other, they also loved to annoy one another. Like you said, it’s your home, and the rest of the “villains”, your family.

You had all been ordered to lay low over the holidays, expecting more hero movement on the surface, it was the safest thing to do. So all of you were piled in the common space before the bar, it had shitty decorations courtesy of Toga and Yourself. Nobody really argued so they stayed up, even though Christmas was over and it was New Year’s Eve.

“So then I punched him, and his nose started to bleed!” Togas excited tone pulled you from your thoughts, “IT WAS SO CUTE! ALL THAT BLOOD, ALL OVER HIS FACE!.....he ran away though” she puzzled.

“Yeah cuz you punched him, crazy!” Dabi threw back his head laughing. Toga pouted and reached out to smack him

“HEY! Don’t be rude! He looked better with the blood, besides at least he wanted to kiss me!” She said triumphantly, “it’s not like you have people lining up to kiss you!” She threw back at him.

He rolled his eyes, and smirked, pulling his stapes in a way you thought must hurt

“You’d be surprised”

“NO WAY”

Laughter erupted around the room, as you watched Dabi just sip his drink, the smirk never leaving his face.

“Why are you all so fucking loud?” A new voice joins the conversation as your leader Shigaraki trudges into the room, “it’s almost midnight, I’m trying to sleep”

He makes his way across the room to his empty armchair.

“I’m sorry! ~BUT ITS NEW YEARS~” twice manages to interrupt himself to answer Shigaraki.

“We’re staying in tonight like you ordered” Dabi glares “Since it’s “too dangerous”” the patchwork villain air quoted around dangerous.

“Yeah! New Years should be out! Having fun, meeting cute people to kiss!” Toga chimed in!

“Whatever” is the only response you get.

“Your turn y/n!” Twice near shouts, reviving the conversation, “best~OR WORST~ New Years ~ KISS~”

Your cheeks redden at the thought of going into detail of some of your New Years of the past,

“Um, well…...OH OKAY! Got one, so this one time a few years ago I was at the bar, right. And I’m talking with this guy all night and we’re hitting it off~” you realize you now have ALL eyes on you, and your cheeks fade back to that deep crimson. “~ and um, yeah so we do the count down and at midnight we kiss and, ok he was shit at kissing anyways so my plans for the evening are shot already, THEN! IN. THE. BAR. this motherfucker tries to feel me up! So I’m like “no let’s just kiss, Kay?” Rolling your eyes you continue

“He’s like sure thing babe” you here a few chuckles your deepened “dude bro” voice.

“Then this asshole immediately starts groping me again”

“Fucker”

“No way”

“Ew~WHAT A HORRIBLE MAN”

As you could’ve predicted all your friends exclaimed in disgust. But there’s voice you didn’t expect

“What did you do?”

His red eyes seem to stare into your very soul, as his left hand reaches up to start scratching his neck. Your cheeks darken again, you swear you're probably as red as his eyes, not that you’ve taken much time thinking about his eyes, or him, totally.

“Um well….I..I...I” you stutter under his gaze, “I uh, hehe, I pulled his hand off me, and broke his wrist, Then left” you shrug and try to sound nonchalant, a hard thing to do when Shigaraki is staring you down, like he can’t decide whether to hug you or kill you. You don’t even hear the rest of your friends' responses to your story, not until Shigaraki nods and turns his stunning eyes from yours.

“TWO MINUTES UNTIL MIDNIGHT!! Kurogiri! Turn on the tv!”

The shadowy man behind the bar simply nods before picking up the remote and turning on the New Years count down

“Oh great leader” Dabi begins sarcastically “what about you? Best, worst…..or any, New Year’s Eve kisses to date.”

The hush that fell over the small room was deafening....and if you thought your blush was bad going into your own kissing stories - you must look like a lobster thinking about hearing Shigaraki’s.

All eyes shift between the two men, until finally

“fuck off you burnt chicken nugget”

“I guess that answers that question” Dabi laughs as he rises from his seat, reaching for his jacket. “ I’m gonna go to the roof for a smoke”

“But you're gonna miss the countdown!” Toga wines.

“And? Not like I’m gonna kiss any of you.” He states as he walks down the hall and out of sight.

While toga drags on about Dabi abandoning the group, a realization dawns on you, as though someone striped away all the clouds and the sun was shining on you for the first time, Shigaraki, you long time -totally not crush- has never had a New Years kiss. This revelation also gives you an idea. And whether it’s a good or bad idea you're still not sure but for now? You’ve made up your mind. It’s the perfect time to make your move. You look at the tv one last time, less than a minute. Your heart feels like it’s gonna beat out of your chest.

You rise from your seat and go stand next to Toga, and try to turn your attention back to the screen.

Ten

Nine

Eight

~holy shit~

Seven

~you’re actually about to do it~

Six

Five

Four

~shitshitshitshitshit~

Three

Two

~here goes nothing~

One

HAPPY NEW YEAR

As Twice and Toga cheer you reach and grab Togas face to quickly press a kiss to her cheek, she quickly grabs your face to kiss your cheek as well. She also lightly bites your cheek before releasing you, both giggling.

You quickly cross the room to Twice, holding your hands out, letting him close the distance he places his masked face into your waiting hands. You lean down to kiss his forehead. “happy new year~I LOVE YOU!”

You swear you float across the room, your pounding heart is all you can hear, the heat in your cheeks, all you can feel and as you look up again you are standing before Shigaraki Tomura.

He’s of course looking down at his phone.

You take a breath, then another. Then reach down placing one hand on the chair behind his head, bringing his attention to you, your right hand you reach under to hold his chin, and guide his head up so your eyes meet.

Looking deeply for any sign he might be truly uncomfortable, but you only see shock, confusion and maybe even a hint of excitement. You gaze down to his lips, while licking your own whisper “happy new year Tomura” and bringing your head down, to finally touch your lips to his.

He’s stiff, frozen and for a moment your terrified you’ve made a mistake, you hold steady and continue the kiss, and after a few seconds he melts into your touch, tilting his head to match you and opening himself up to you, quickly you step closer to him, making him arch his back to continue the contact, you move your hands sending one to cup his face and the other to run through his hair, his hands alternate between the chair arms and space between your bodies.

Your both breathing heavy, when you hear “Y/N…..Holy shit”

Snapping back to reality to realize all eyes are locked onto the two of you, Twices head snapping between you and Tomura, and Toga. It was Toga who spoke, she’s still standing wide eyed and mouth hanging open.

“Happy new year??” You shrug as you sit down on Shigaraki’s lap, his arms protectively wrap around you, careful not to actually touch you with his gloved fingers. You smile and think to yourself, it’s gonna be a good year!

#happynewyear #bnhharem #shigaraki x reader #newyearskiss #bnha #fanfic

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starlight-writes-stuff · 3 years

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chapter one - the note // light me up : a draco malfoy fic

a/n : hello ! this is chapter one of light me up. it is a bit short- i really want to get outside opinions on what you think ; i hope you enjoy ! seeing as i have exactly 0 followers on this here blog this story will also be posted on wattpad (where i’m known as starlight--writes) . it’s a bit easier to grow on there , but i figured theres always a chance of someone finding this fic on here and falling in love with it . anyways , if you’re seeing this , reblogs and notes are always appreciated . requests are open as well ! k , bye (:

reblogs are always appreciated ! <3

☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁

Charms was your least favorite class of the day. Usually you looked forward to it, eagerly awaiting getting to sit next to your boyfriend, Cedric Diggory, but in the week that the two of you had broken up, it had been torture. You still had to sit with him- the seating was assigned that way, but now instead of kisses when you walked in and holding hands under the table, it was forced smiles and awkward greetings.

So far, you’d spent the whole class looking down at your lap, tangling your fingers together and trying to take up as little space as possible. Maybe, if you were still enough, he would just forget you were there. You made no noise, no sudden movements; essentially, acting like you didn’t even exist. However, that illusion was broken when Nearly Headless Nick has floated in through the back wall, holding a letter that he handed to Professor Flitwick. He read it over silently, then looked up and directly at you. He cleared his throat and stepped down from the pile of books he stood on, and shuffled over to you.

“Miss Y/L/N, it seems you are needed elsewhere. When you finish, please see me for the homework,” he said with a warm smile, handing you the parchment he was holding.

You smiled back- Professor Flitwick had always been nice to you- and grabbed your bag without even reading the short note; if it meant not having to be so close to Cedric, you were happy for the excuse. As you got up, you felt a gentle tug on your sleeve and your stomach flew up into your throat. Looking up, you saw Cedric smile and drop his grip on your shirt.

“When you’re done, can we talk?” he asked quietly, trying not to draw any attention to either of you. “I’d like to. I’ll wait in the library after classes.”

You couldn’t muster a vocal response- this was the most he’d said to you in a week, and from the look on his face, it seemed important. You just nodded and fled the room, trying to compose yourself before the pumpkin pastie you had eaten before Charms came back up.

Once you were in the silent, stony hallway, you took a deep breath. Everything was fine. He probably just wanted his jumper back- it was his favorite, and he’d given it to you for pajamas a while ago. You leaned your head back against the cool cobblestone of the hallway, and retrieved the note from your bag, reading it over twice before you fully comprehended the meaning.

Miss Y/LN, Excuse the interruption of your class- upon review of your marks, it seems that you will be quite alright missing a charms class and upholding your grade. The staff have deliberated the results of your try out for Slytherin House’s Quidditch Team, and we are glad to offer you the position of a back-up seeker. Please meet the current Slytherin seeker- Draco Malfoy- in the dining hall for a private practice. We hope this letter finds you well, Slytherin House Quidditch Staff

You tried to contain your excitement, but couldn’t wipe the grin off of your face as you made your way to the Dining Hall. You had mostly tried out for Quidditch as a one off thing, to get Cedric to shut up about it. You absolutely hadn’t expected to be chosen and assigned a spot, so the letter was the only bright point in your week so far. As you entered the great hall, you saw the white-blonde head you were supposed to be meeting leaned over a roll of parchment, chewing on his lower lip.

☁ ☁ ☁

Draco Malfoy was in the same year as you- the same house as well- but the two of you had never talked much. Your social circles weren’t intertwined, and besides the few classes you had with him, you didn’t run into him often. As you walked over to him, you dimly wondered if he even knew your name.

“Draco? I’m supposed to meet with you, right?” you asked, timidly. He looked up from his books to meet your eyes.

“Oh, right. Sorry, I’m trying to get this Potions work done, but…” he tapered off, shaking his head. “Anyway. Sorry- but yes, Flint asked me to meet with you. Y/N, right?”

“Right,” you said with a nod, “Yeah. And I have the answers for the Potions homework, if you want them.”

Draco gathered all his things, shoving them into his bag and asked, “Really? Oh. Wait. Aren't you in my potions class?”

You nodded, and went to fish the paper out of your book, wondering why you’d offered in the first place. You weren’t one to let others copy. “Yeah. I finished it last night, so you can look over it, if you want to,” you replied, handing him the parchment. He took the roll from your hand, giving you a half-smile.

“Thank you. I can’t seem to understand Potions, like, ever, so I appreciate it. I promise, this will only take a couple minutes; I’ll have you out on the field right after.”

You settled beside him and pulled out your Charms book- might as well finish reading the chapter while you have the time. You could hear Draco muttering the words under his breath as he scratched them down with his quill, and found that oddly endearing. Besides him being the seeker for Slytherin, and his constant feud with Harry Potter, you really didn’t know much about the tall boy sitting next to you, so that fact that you knew how he took notes seemed almost… intimate. Like something you shouldn’t know, but you did. As you pondered on this, you started to wonder what else you didn’t know about him. You referenced the general knowledge of him you’d picked up over the last six years.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Name- Draco Malfoy (son of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, who were well known in the wizard community. Kind of a dark family, though.)

Year- 6

Position- Seeker

Attributes- tall, handsome, good Quidditch player, constantly nagging at harry potter for reasons unknown, friends with Crabbe and Goyle, mumbles while taking notes. Had never had a girlfriend, to your knowledge, but had many hookups. Quiet and brooding and slightly scary. Very intimidating, and taller than you’d think. He smelled good, like citrus and musk and old parchment, and his hair looked soft. He was a pretty boy, really. Scarily pretty.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were still trying to think of anything you’d heard about him, other than the general assumptions of him: good looking, but a woeful git to just about everyone, when he shut his book and slid the roll of parchment back over to you.

“Thanks, again. So you’re gunning for my spot on the team?” he asked, packing up his things. You felt your face flush, and didn’t know how to respond when he chuckled and spoke up. “I’m kidding. It’s always good to have backup players, for when we get hurt. You must’ve really impressed Flint- he was going on and on about the ‘new girl’ at practice.”

Your cheeks got hot again as the two of you walked out of the dining hall and through the passages leading out to the field. “I guess so. I really didn’t think anything would come of me trying out.”

Draco ran a hand through his hair and walked out into the courtyard. “Really? What took you so long to try out, if you don't mind me asking? We’re always looking for new talent.”

You looked up at him out of the corner of your eye, and saw that he was waiting on an answer. “Um- I really didn’t ever think about playing, honestly. Over last summer, I was dragged into a game by a couple of friends, and they told me I had a knack for it. Then Cedric wouldn’t stop bugging me about trying to join the team, so I did.”

“That’s right. Isn’t he your boyfriend?”

You felt your heart pang at his words, and gave him a tight lipped smile. “He was. We aren’t really together anymore.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn't know. I’ve just seen you two around, so I assumed…” he trailed off, looking down at you with sympathetic eyes.

“It’s fine. It was pretty recent that we,” you hesitated, almost choking on the words. “It was recently that we split up. No one really knows yet, besides close friends.”

Draco nodded, pulling a key out of his pocket. He unlocked a door on the side of the castle that you didn’t even realize existed, and walked into the cramped room. It was full of Quidditch supplies- practice jerseys, brooms, and the trunk that held all the equipment. He picked it up, and you could see the muscles in his forearms flexing and shifting under his pale skin as he held the heavy trunk.

“Well, I won't tell anyone. I’m sorry, I know how that can be. Will you grab two of those?” he asked, nodding at the wall behind you. Multiple brooms were mounted on it, and you grabbed two, following him out of the room. You replayed his sentence in your head. ‘I know how that can be.’ and wondered if you had missed something. You’d never seen Draco with a girl, much less a girlfriend. But maybe he was one to keep his relationships quiet. It made things much easier when you broke up if no one knew you were dating anyone in the first place.

“Yeah. It’s been… it hasn’t been fun. But, anyway, I really tried out because of that. When I didn’t hear anything for a bit, I figured that I hadn’t made it.”

“Yeah, the review takes a long time. Snape has the whole team review tryouts, then selects certain people to start training. Just about everyone was impressed with yours, though.”

“Well that’s good, right? I mean, if I’m being trained, I assume that I made it.”

Draco smiled down at you, dropping the trunk on the grass. “Welcome to the team. Let’s see what you can do.”

☁ ☁ ☁

After a few hours of flying about Draco started packing the trunk back up, strapping the snitch back into place. The curls that had previously adorned your head had fallen limp from flying, and you were out of breath as the two of you walked back to the supply cabinet.

“I can see why Flint was so impressed. You really could take my spot, if you wanted it,” Draco said with a smile, unlocking the hidden door once more.

“I don’t think so. But thank you.”

He placed the trunk back on a shelf, and turned to you, crossing his arms. Again, you watched the muscles ripple under his skin and tried not to flush. “You really are good. Maybe not better than me, but good,” he said, and you could feel his eyes on you as you returned the brooms to their wall mountings.

“I’ve seen you play, Malfoy. If you can take the snitch out from under Cedric’s nose, then I'm not sure I'll be put to much use.”

“Oh, please. Cedric isn’t what I would call competition’” he joked, locking the door behind the two of you. “And if you were watching Cedric play, how would you know if I’m any good?” he raised an eyebrow at you, and your heart fluttered in your chest.

You’d always known Draco was good looking- it was hard not to notice that- but he was also wickedly funny, and quick witted. You felt better than you had in a week for the first time today, and you didn’t doubt that some of it had to do with the blonde boy beside you.

“Just because I was dating someone in a different house doesn’t mean I ever stopped rooting for ours. I know where my loyalties lie.”

He gave you a sweet smile, and the two of you continued walking back to the castle in comfortable silence. When you ducked back into the bustling hallways from the courtyard, Draco cleared his throat, stopping in the small alcove.

“So. Um, I think we should probably do this again. You did almost all solo flying today, but you need to feel the pressure of racing against someone as well. That’s half of being a seeker, is racing your opponent. Do you have a free period sometime this week?” he asked, and you felt your heart stir again- while you might’ve needed more training, you had a nagging feeling that it was a little more than that. The two of you had a good time, and you hadn’t seen Draco smile that much in the whole six years you’d been at Hogwarts with him.

“Sure. I have two on Thursday. Just let me know when you’re free; I’m in the common room a lot, so I should be easy to find.”

He grinned down at you, his blonde hair flopping down and over his forehead and cleared his throat. “Okay. sounds good. I’ll see you later, then?”

You nodded, and gave him a smile. “I’ll see you around.”

☁ ☁ ☁

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dragqueenpentheus · 3 years

Text

Okay no one has to read this but i DO have to write it:

PYROC VS FATHER PAUL

Ya bitch needs an art break bc im getting angry about voices existing as i try to keep myself entertained. Today is NOT a god one for sinking into repetitive line work and that’s just about all i have on the table atm

SO! Im gunna do a little thinking about my little meow meows all fucked up by religion. Just a comparison for my sanity and interests. Pyroc is my baby i wrote him for the first time years ago. Five?????????? Whadda hell. Going on six.

ANYWAY john joined religion because of his trauma. His sister died and he felt lost. He was unmoored in this fishing village and looking for reason looking for hope. Hed had his heart broken and trying to make sense of tragedy on his own was totally beyond him. Thats why his interactions with riley in AA are SO good like. He knows that confusion and he knows the rhetoric that’s supposed to combat it. Only it dooesnt work for riley.

The same sort of thing happens for pyrc, only inverted. Loss urns him away from god and religion because its SO strong in his family and not only is he loosing trust in god, but his kin as well. He’s suspicious there’s mre they arent telling him, at the point of his fathers death. And he agrees to, on the surface, absolutely wholly throw himself in to being the second the family and the village need. But he’s keeping his treachery under wraps.

That’s one of the coolest things about father paul imo is like. That slow unraveling of what is. Frankly. An awful half assed plan, driven by fear and loneliness and desperation and dementia and love. Even VERY obvious things like. Taking down the newspaper photo of his young self ‘slip’ by him. I think, on some level, its DEEPLY intentional. He wants people to CHOOSE this. He wants people like bev. He wants people who see him and are in aw of him beating god. Of killing death. He wants to be worshiped and adored and for people to come to him willingly, no tragedy driving them to his arms.

Pyroc also wnats to be worshipped, but he ALSO wants to do the worshipping. He really longs for an element of almost????? But not quite??? Subjection?? He wants to be shown something and for a Great Voice to tell him, unquestioningly and unerringly that it is GOOD. Full stop. And then he wants to spend his life worshipping it. But this booko is an exploration of how….. no such thing exists. And more importantly no great voice exists either. There is nothing wholly good, nothing wholy evil. His lack of faith in himself once he becomes god is him starting to understand that as well. Thats on purpose baked into the lore. The starting point was ‘what if god was a position and in order to get promoted you had to be a murderer. No matter what’. He understands things are not wholly good, at that point. I onder how long it will be for him to realize they are not fully evil as well?

Bc pruitt does hm hm hm an interesting move. Where he takes something the narritve is very sure to communicate is EVIL no wiggle room just fact. Even if its driven by animal instinct its. Evil. And he makes it, not just good, but HOLY. And god i LOVEEEE that for him i ADOREEE that what a MOVE. Driven by desperation and dementia and relief and ‘if god saved me than maybe i can be good despite loving and sinning and maybe if i defeat god then i will be Thee Good’. SO sexy of him. Im really fascinated by his morality. He seems to have an understanding of the shades of grey in some respects??? But if he had a BETTER one with more forgiveness in his heart i feel like hed have left the church anyway after sarah was born??? Even if millie didnt ask him??? That might just be my own sensibilities creeping in but ….. like he culd have seen her on the weekends. He can do other jobs. Hes straight (??? Not totally convinced of this) he could have just dated her that makes me crazy. LIKE OBV HE HAD LINES HE THOUGHT THAT WOULD CROSS AND HE HAD INTERNALIZED THE CHURCH AND THE RULES AND SHE WAS MARRIED AND ECT ECT i know he couldnt have really but. Thye were straight. They coulda.

Im not gunna do fantasy homophobia bc i think its …………….. Boring. But i think some element of??? The vindlegaurd line MUST be passed along and for that particular rules must be applied. But thats also boring as hell :/ maybe i can work in my parthenogenesis lore?????????? I bet pyroc would love building that spell in any universe. That’s the sequal when he goes to magic university in helsin. But yeah i do like the concept that. Anyone can have a baby thru magic its just a time and energy commitment. Just a matter of wanting it enough together. Every baby is so deeply wanted and its mere existence is proof. Thats dope i love that. HMMM to be decided at a later date when im deeper into the story i think. I still havent figured out fully how and where and why orion is going to be invovled and if???? Pyroc and orion are even going to be romantic??????? Im torn im TORn…….

Thikns about john bonding w sarah over science and learning and starts wEEPING…. Like theres some surity beloved. Its just a matter of uncovering. I think sarah felt that same thirst for answers and hunted them differently. Her faith is in logic and science. I loveeee her god. Every scene w her and her dad absolutely RUIN me like!!!!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW LOVED SHE IS!!!!!! I hope at hte very end she saw the blood as the gesture of love it SO clearly was and not him trying to poison her. God i love that she spat it out. GOD. Thats about being gay, btw. Spits the religious offering that could save you across the gasoline soaked church floor like BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we as a collective should talk about the possibiites around sarah/erin more. Bc their defiance combined would be. Earth SHATTERING for crockett.

In the future pyroc gets a kid. Ever since that campaign where Enemy ended up playing his daughter im like. How did i NOT know this idiot wanted nothing more in the entire world than to travel it with his daughter. I dont care how or why hes getting a kid. Hed be so doting and awful abut it. He would need orion as a co-parent for the kids self esteem to be normal levels. thINKS ABOUT PAUL GETTING TO RAISE SARAH AND JUST ABSOLUTELY GASSING HER UPPPPPPPP HANGING EVERY DOODLE SHE EVER MADE ON TEH FRIDGE. BOASTING ABOUT HER SCEINECE PROJECT OT ANYONE WITHIN EYESIGHT EVEN THOUGH ‘WE K N O W JOHNWE WERE ALL AT THE SCEINCE FAIR’!!!!!!!!!!! Let these fuck ups be doting fathers im fucking begging. That scene where paul is like. You take ccare of everyone on the island sarah. Its more than being a doctor. You comfort them.

HM HM comfort is such a thing for Miss Bitch like!! He sees it as a Good Thing. He tries to bring it for riley by asking to hold the AA meetings on island ((also manipulation. Obvously also manipulation. I wouldnt have bene shocked if he was slipping the vampire blood into the coffee every meeting either. But thats just a theory. A game theory.)) ANYWAY he sees comfort as hly. The church gave it to him when he needed it. The angel gave it to him in the cave. Feeling safe and warm is HIGH on his list of priorities and what makes him hand over respect.

I think pyroc has lived a very comfortable life in SO many ways, but in none he. Activly recognizes. A key part of his character arc his him…. Opening his eyes to the world around them. Seeing the privilege he has and being like. Wait. This isnt Right. We have to change thi. And when no one agrees ti shifts to I have to change this. With Violence. A little revolutionary <3 it only costs the life of his whole ass family

Thats more fun comparison ground like…… paul is SO much about I know whats right and there is a cost but i AM ignoring it. Like HE KNOOOOWSSSS he knooooows he just doesnt want o See. I’m not sure if im going to surprise yroc with the ……megadeath of. His whole family. Or if it’s a choice he has to activly make. I think a choice makes it more compelling, more layerd. It has to be in the moment though, becaus ei think thats. A key difference between them. Pyroc wouldnt do it.. hed just leave hed peace out and do what he could in small ways. But he wouldnt do his big stand off with god. Hed shrink his goals in order to not hurt his family. Out of love?? Intimidation?? Some instinct wihtin him that balks at the idea of disobedience??? I think even he doesnt know. But i LOVE john becaue he jsut decides to lie. He closes his eyes and says i am being stupid on purpose. I think thats PERHAPS more compelling than good guy coward pyroc BUT!!!!! Thats who he is rip to ths little man. Cant change him now hes a whole ass child in my head. The PLOT i can change. Him….. not without massive character development <3

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MM set my brain on FIRE!!!! Im so glad nano is coming up. I love sharpening pyroc against the comparison of other AMAZING characters. Father paul hill my beloved millstone <3 anyway sorry to anyone who reads this its literally me unhinging my jaw and emptying my brain out. I had to write stuff that wasn’t novel or fic. A little character time down and dirty. I wil NOT be editing this love and light to future me trying to decode this

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #pyroc #midnight mass

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icariagazette · 4 years

Photo

“Hi...Hey hello I am not Atti or Jasmine... I’m the editor for the show and being on the radio is uh... not my normal. But something very weird happened and I hate .... to be the one to tell you but.... both Wolfgang Jamison and Jasmine Kos have gone missing. They had taken over the station last night and used our recording booth to record a new segment meant to air today... But uh... Well, I’ll let the recording speak for itself. This was the last known audio of the duo.”

“Hello and welcome to a special episode of Atti In The Morning. As most of you should know -- I'm not Atticus. Atticus was one of those taken earlier this year. My name is Jasmine Kos and I've been hosting the show in Atti's absence. We've been talking on and off since the first person went missing five years ago about these missing cases.Over the past five yers we've come up with some really interesting and insane theories of what has happened to our friends and family and today we decided its time to talk about all these ideas. So I've invited on an actual journalist to help us break down all these ideas and talk about all these theories.Hello Wolfgang, how are you this morning?" "Well, I'm here so that's already a decent start. Ready to discuss with you and hopefully debunk some of the more off the wall theories that I've heard floating around while writing the stories on those missing on the island." "What has been the most off the wall theory you've heard as of late? I'm sure you've heard some crazy ones, I know we've gotten some insane calls with theories. One of the most recent was that they were being replaced by the creatures that have come through the door." “See that’s not as crazy as it sounds. The doors did show up right before people began to turn up missing. I believe one of the most off the wall ones I’ve been told when interviewing residents on the island was that they weren’t missing at all but rather they all took off to start a cult ran by Chloe Vara. Which is probably the least likely to start a cult out of those missing.” “Well, that’s only partially true isn’t it? Demigods have been going missing for five years now, but the uptick does coincide with those weird doors. Any idea what might be behind them? Beyond the one that opened at the family day party. But on the idea of Chloe, i think i rather like the idea of it being a cult run by her. At least you know they’re being well taken care of instead of this dread we all have of how they are and what’s happened to them. “ "Yes but there has never been any evidence to link the crimes now to those in the past other than no one found them. In any other part of the world that happens every single day. Growing up in New York you learned quickly that crime can happen at any point to anyone. The fact that the disappearances ramped up when the doors appear may be a coincidence but we might not find out unless those involved are found or come forward with any information. One of the things I always wondered is how Luke Decker completely vanished without a trace. Did they not have tabs on their officers at all times?" "I remember back when the first person seemingly vanished off the isle, Noreen, we all assumed she just ran away or went on some sort of extended vacation. I imagine that's sort of how it was for a lot of the people who went missing in the first couple years, back when it wasn't suggested we all live on this isle. People probably thought, 'they just went away for a bit' or because of where they lived people just chose to ignore it because of how common disappearances were in their area. I think its massively overwhelming for isle residents because this is supposed to be a safe zone. " A beat and a breath, then, "Which yeah -- that plays into how does a detective just vanish into thin air. You'd think after the first like 10 demi-gods went missing and the numbers ramped up they would have been tracking people's phones or something. Which -- do we know if they've been keeping a record of GPS movements of people since this has gotten so much worse?" "I would assume you are referring to Noreen Gomez? The demi-god who seemingly vanished after a fight with her girlfriend? Yeah, it might have been that way or not connected at all. These are just theories but you have to consider we're paying more attention because it's our kind that are disappearing. I just want to know why the police have only just now really started investigating the disappearances. The Gomez case has been closed for five years, they just assumed she took off. Which, alright, a demi-god goes missing and they don't bat an eyelash but how do they have no idea as to where Decker went? It makes me think that the police know more than they're letting on, which happens to avoid panic, but six months have passed since they began ramping up and we have no answers. You'd think they would be surveying everyone on the island at this point. No one else in and no one else out."

"One and the same; But yes, it appears we're all paying way more attention now than we used to. My guess as to why now compared to before would just be that one or two wasn't worth, as horrible as that sounds, all the time and energy the police department wanted to spend but now theres... 15 missing just from the isle, thats not counting those who were kidnapped off isle...It's dumb. All of it. They should have never closed the Gomez case they shouldn't even let up on the ones they're working on now. They need to search every inch of the isle, the shadows, the dark corners... all of it. I don't -- totally disagree, maybe locking down the isle could stop, or at least lead to some clues about what happened to our loved ones."

"No, I believe we are on the same page which is where my own conspiracy comes into play. I'm not sure I trust the police completely, which makes me sound as if I were a huge conspiracy theorist. Maybe I am now. Perhaps this entire situation has made me jaded and I want someone to blame, much like others do as well. I just don't understand how none of the crime scenes seemed to leave behind any trace of evidence. The entire apartment was ransacked when Atticus and Briar went missing and the same for Wesley Sullivan. Yet, they found nothing? I wonder if there's not more going on in that station." "I think the whole isle has become a giant conspiracy. We're all a bit obsessed with them now. It wouldn't surprise me either if there was a cover up, if someone in the police force is a bit to close to the kidnappers and is protecting them -- if not one of them. Its either that, or whoever is kidnapping the demi-gods is one themselves and knows what we'll look for. I just -- dont understand how no one sees them leaving the house with the person, how has no one, anywhere in the world seen anything to give us a hint at how our friends and family are going missing? Its like they’re shadows or ghosts. Which, after the door opening, I 100% believe theres ghosts running around now."

"That's my thought exactly. Something strange is going on and I want to get to the bottom of it. I know that the listeners might not know how often we get together and talk about conspiracies like this. Jasmine has become my partner in crime when it comes to this story and I do appreciate your help in what we're trying to discover. Right now, only those missing and the ones that are taking them know what is happening. What kind of creature lurks in the shadows and snatches people at night? Maybe it's Fae folk. They've been said to be tricky little things. All I know is I don't trust many people at this point."

“Yes! Wolf and i have become a bit of a duo looking into all this. It’s been sad and fun in its own way, and I’m more than happy to try and help save our friends. I also made a friend at the station, not PD but she seems pretty -- honest. We may, with her help, actually get to the bottom of this. But the idea of fae folk sounds pretty realistic to me; we have gods, creatures — who’s to say that the myths outside of Greek mythos isn’t real? I wouldn’t be surprised if all of mythology is actually real at this point. Maybe some other god from another religion is pissed off and taking children to make a point”

"Good, we need all the help we can get in getting to the bottom of this. I want to make things right for those of our peers that have been taken away from us for so long. I want to make sure they get the justice and truth that they deserve. That's a great point, it could very well be someone trying to make a point. If that were the case, the question remains what kind of point are they attempting to make right now? And how many more people have to suffer?" "I think we have lots of people on the isle that will happily help us in whatever way they can. We just have to ask and I'm sure they will. But yes i agree. We need to make sure our friends and loved ones get the justice they deserve because I can't -- seem to make any logical explanation for the reasons they're gone or why someone would be trying to make a point by kidnapping people. I just really hope they're ---" Rustling "What -- How did you get in here?" Muffled voice "Go where? I --" Silence

--------------------

As you can hear... someone else came into the recording booth, we’ve done everything we could to try to enhance the voice, hear what the other person said but .... nothing can be made out. Nothing makes sense.... We don’t know who or what or why this happened. All we know is when we came in this morning it was set up and recording as if they had just stepped out to go to the bathroom.... I --- I honestly don’t know what else to do or say or how the show will continue on after today... We’ll figure it out. And I’m sorry.”

#icaria: radio

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shawnpetermuffins · 5 years

Text

In Case You Didn't Know

(Based off In Case You Didn't Know by Brett Young)

Summary: Shawn's so in love with you, but he doesn't know how to say it.

A/n: this is all over the place, theres time jumps and flashbacks and no real distinction between them, so yeah. I actually really like this song and I might end up writing some more stories based off songs, so let me know if you want that.

Requested: no

Warnings: just fluff

***

I can't count the times / I almost said what's on my mind / but I didn't

She's sleeping soundly on the couch, head laying on the arm rest, blanket up to her shoulders. She's absolutely beautiful, I think to myself. Her hair falls messily in her face, lips parted with a soft snore, and even though she's covered, I know her arms are wrapped around her middle in an attempt to keep warm in this arctic apartment of mine. I make a mental note to turn on the heater after I take her up to bed. She couldn’t even make it through half of the movie before her eyes became heavy, and if I was interested in watching the movie, I wouldn’t have even noticed, but I was watching her the whole time. It’s the first time I’ve been able to see her this way, completely exhausted from studying for her exams, hair a mess, face bare and slightly red and blotchy from stress crying.

I want so badly to wake her sleeping figure and tell her to just quit, come on the road with me for the second leg of tour. I’ll take care of everything; I’ll take care of her. Anything she wants, it’s hers, no questions asked. But I can’t tell her that. Because no matter how stressed she is now, I know it doesn’t change how incandescently happy she is when she talks about her favorite class, her favorite professor. The way she talks about all the things she’s going to change when she finishes school.

Just the other day / wrote down all the things I’d say / but I couldn’t / I just couldn’t

Being with her only a few months, eight to be exact, I keep finding myself refraining from telling her how I feel. And I know that being on tour for six out of the eight months we’ve been together is definitely taking a toll on her, and me too. I’m never here when she needs me, and to see her the way she is right now, I know that I can’t keep these feelings from her much longer.

Because if she’s crying over a test that she’s about to take when I am here, I’m scared to know what she cries about when I’m not. Does she cry about me? About me not being here? When I left before, she held in the tears - so did I - but we’d only been together a month. Maybe she didn’t want to seem too attached. I know I didn’t, but Brian knows how much leaving her put me in this week long funk. I called and texted her constantly until I realized that doing that only made it even harder to be away from her. So I calmed a bit, not by choice, but by necessity.

Seeing her sleeping so peacefully, now curled in my sheets, hugging my pillow, I can’t help but smile. I could write a million songs just about this moments alone, and that’s exactly what I go back to the living room to do. To write yet another song about the girl in my bed, hoping and praying that she’ll still be there come daybreak.

Baby I know that you’ve been wondering / mmm, so here goes nothing / in case you didn’t know / baby I’m crazy ‘bout you

Sheets of paper litter the top of the piano, the coffee table, literally any surface that was once clear isn't now. I'm scribbling out a new lyric, and start strumming the melody that's been stuck in my head since she fell asleep next to me.

My mind is a jumbled mess. She has me feeling every possible emotion and I can't convey it in just one song. So every new idea gets written down and I hope I'll find a place for it in another song later. I'm going crazy, my mind working faster than my hand can write, and the song doesn't sound right with the guitar riff, but then it doesn't sound right with the piano. It's all wrong. None of it is good enough for her and I need it to be good enough.

And I would be lying if I said that I could live this life without you / even though / I don't tell you all the time / You had my heart a long, long time ago / in case you didn't know

I know it hasn't even been a year and I sound like a love sick puppy. And that if you ask anyone that doesn't know me personally, they'd say that this relationship is all for show. That I'm doing it for the publicity. That she's getting paid. None of it's true.

She's everything I have ever wanted. Ever needed. And its so hard for me to think back to even just nine months ago. I wonder how I did anything before her. How did I cope with my anxiety when she wasn't there coaxing me through it, lulling me back to reality and not the fucked up place my mind always wandered to?

If I can't think back to nine months ago, before she became my everything, how am I supposed to look forward and not see her in every possible situation that I could be put it?

The way you look tonight / that second glass of wine / that did it, mmm

Dinner at her apartment is everything. Except she won't let me actually cook. She's scared I'll burn the building down. Which, to be fair, could very well happen. So I'm only allowed to cut things, and of course pour her wine. She's stirring the rice while I sit at the little bar area, head resting in my hand while I stare lovingly at her. Her cheeks are slightly pink from both the heat from the stove and from the glass of red she's sipping from.

"You're staring," she says softly, and looks over at me.

I clear my throat and look down at my half empty glass, "Sorry. Can't help it. You're just so pretty."

She looked down at her outfit, and squinted skeptically at me. "Jeans and a two-sizes-too-big flannel? Oh yeah, I'm sure I look real cute," she replies sarcastically, with a disbelieving eye roll.

"You do," I say, matter-of-factly. "With you hair pulled up like that," I gesture to pony tail that was currently falling because she didn't wrap the rubber band around enough. "And your eyes just being as beautiful and bright as ever. How could I not stare at you forever?"

This causes her to become even more red, if that's possible, and I pull out my phone, swiftly snapping a picture of her because she is just so pretty and I want to see her like this forever.

"Stop it!" She whines, turning away from me.

"But you look so cute," I say, turning my phone around so she can see the vibrant blush on her cheeks.

She just shakes her head and takes another sip. I can't help but watch the way her lips curve around the lip of the glass, and my whole body tingles at the promise of those lips touching mine later.

There was something 'bout that kiss/ girl it did me in / got me thinking / I've been thinking

I pull her body close to mine when she puts the dishes in the sink. "Thank you for tonight," I mumble into her shoulder.

She hums and her hands cover mine on her stomach. "You're welcome bub. So glad you could make some time for a meal this week. I was starting to think you didn't eat," she says teasingly.

I manage a small apology, pressing my lips to the soft skin of her collar bone. I know I've been literally everywhere but with her this week and it's been killing me. But even just a night like this was enough to make me forget about all my stress up to this point.

She turns her head to face me and plays with my currently overfluffy curls. "I adore you, my little rockstar," she whispered into my hair.

I look up at her with a sleepy smile and hooded eyes. I only have a second to react before her lips press to mine in a soft, passionate kiss. And all I can think is that I could stay this way for the rest of my life and never get tired of the feel of her lips.

One of those things that I've been feeling / mmm, it's time you hear 'em

I'm still watching her as we wash the dishes together. She's washing, I'm drying. It's the simplest of systems, but it's also so domesticated and it makes me sad knowing that I can't give her that domestic life one day. Husband a d kids, nice suburban home to come to every night. I'm traveling too often to give her that simple life that she so desperately deserves, even though she's told me before that she doesn't care about that.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She asks after washing the last plate, handing it to me. I smile sheepishly at the way she's leaning against the counter, one leg crossed in front of the other, hands playing with the neck of her shirt.

I finish drying the plate before I speak. I place the towel I was holding on the counter and reach for her hands. "Can I tell you something, pumpkin?"

You've got all of me / I belong to you / yeah you're my everything / in case you didn't know

"Anything," she squeezes my hands reassuringly.

I can't look into her eyes, so I stare at our linked hands and sigh contently at the feel of her small, soft, cold hands in my large, calloused, hot hands. I don't know why telling her this is so hard for me, it shouldn't be. I write about love all the time.

But I've never felt it. Not like this. Not when my heart feels like it's literally about to burst out of my chest when she smiles at me. Not when I can't help but stumble on my way to her because I'm staring so hard that I trip over my own feet. Not when an interviewer asks me what my favorite thing about going home is and my immediate thought is her. She's my home. Whether we live together or not. She's it. She's my everything and that's fucking terrifying. I never thought I would become this dependent on someone else.

"Bub, what's going on inside that beautiful head of yours?" She asks, breaking me from my own thoughts, trying to catch my eye.

I swallow the lump forming in my throat and finally meet her intense gaze. If I had to decipher what that look meant, I'd say she was looking at me the same way I look at her. With that endless amount of love, lust, compassion, and adoration that my expression hopefully conveys. Why she chose me of all the people to be with, I'll never know. But she did. So I say it.

"I love you," I finally manage to say, but it's so low I don't even know if she heard me.

She doesn't respond for a while and I'm searching her face for any sign that it'll give me, saying that I crossed a line, that we weren't ready. But just as I'm opening my mouth to apologize, her lips cover mine, tongue slipping effortlessly into my mouth. And I hold her body tight against me, so tight I don't think she can breathe properly, but she makes no move to leave my arms and I have no intention of letting her go. So I hold her while we kiss under the harsh light of her kitchen and I let out a low whimper when she goes to ultimately pull away.

"Say it again," she begs.

And I do, kissing her cheek. "I love you." Her nose, "I love you." Her forehead, "I love you." And finally, once again. Her lips. "I love you."

She sighs, eyes fluttering shut while her fingers trace my jaw and then the curves of my mouth, my nose. "I love you, too." She kisses both of my eyelids before she says it again. "I love you so much."

***

Tags: @curlyshawny @shawns-badreputation @anamariel2301 @bbellbagel @turtoix @tomshufflepuff @ivegotparticulartaste

I've literally been writing this since February and it's not even the way I wanted it 🤷‍♀️ but I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. A little fluff to counteract with the angst I gave y'all on Wednesday.

Like, reblog, and leave feedback!! 💙

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes one shot #shawn peter raul #shawn mendes angst #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes smut #smfsource

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turnipmage · 5 years

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@electricjudgement 8) well. since you asked

dr. oscar blackmoore is a soft-spoken mild-mannered medical practitioner (mostly physician, but is trained in general surgery and also works as a mortician). he’s part of a world i have with sam aka @merle-casts-zone-of-truth(more under cut, including some more doodles >:) )

his primary work is as a physician for the local creature population (”creatures” being the term for the monster-like beings that inhabit a dimension/world parallel to earth, the majority of whom fled to earth centuries ago), while at night he’s contracted out as a mortician for the mob, while also providing healthcare services for its members. particularly their boss, arthur

of course, oscar, himself, is a creature. in particular, he’s from a species of vampire-adjacent beings known for their long life span and being, like, really goddamn weird and as a species closed off from the rest of the creature world. also vaguely bug-like. for a quick run down, they drink blood, have six arms, have a somewhat chitinous shell covering parts of them, are around 7′, and all of their limbs are doublejointed. i’m still working on their design, but here’s a rough look, with the second set of teeth representing what oscars looks like a bit in his half-transformed form. (yes oscar can change from one form to another with the help of glamour, his own being a modified version that allows for gradual change. his species cant change to humans on a whim, as neither can most creatures.)

now, in his own species’ terms, oscars about mid-thirties, but to other creatures, and humans especially, you could call oscar old. he was part of the first mass movement of creatures from their home world to earth, taking place roughly in the 17th century, though he was alive for at least a century prior to that, living in his old all-vampire hometown. why did he leave? well, he doesn’t like to talk about it (”if i dwell on past mistakes any more than i already do ill die”), but reportedly its got something to do with necromancy and him making extremely bad decisions

once he’d crossed over onto earth, he mostly stayed closed off. it’s a fact he’s ashamed of nowadays, but oscar was.... quite a bit of an asshole when he was younger. so he wasnt just trying to keep his creature identity secret from his new human neighbors, but he just couldn’t give two shits about the people around him,and in many cases enjoyed actively terrorizing the locals at night with his... less than human characteristics. until he met vincent, a handsome, spirited pirate with dreams of hitting it big. the two were basically inseparable for a years, in love, as vincent rose in infamy and wealth (eventually becoming captain of his own crew), but a nasty falling out led to them losing contact, and vincent hitting the chopping block, likely due to something oscar had done. at the time, oscar pretended not to be bothered, but he noticeably refused to get close to another human again for quite a long time

sometime after, oscar was enlisted to help another creature who had moved in the first wave, caroline. this part of the timeline is pretty muddled as we havent gotten to ironing it out just yet, but oscar helped caroline and her growing group of people by acting as their doctor, and over time, the two grew to be close friends, and for a long time were the closest the other had. caroline ignored or actively encouraged oscars not super great mindset, allowing oscar to go out and attack/feed off of humans at night. during that same time, vincent, suddenly a ghost now and also king of the underworld (long story), found out oscar was still alive, flpped, and proceeded to start haunting the shit out of him. and... thats where it was at, for a while.

but then, suddenly, a few centuries later, closer to the present day, a new janitor is hired, a cute upbeat guy called lance. and oscar is smitten.

they get to know eachother, gradually, and become friends. lances influence strong on him, oscar begins to pull away from caroline, and from the more toxic mindset of the work environment she’s created, and starts to think over himself and his actions. it isnt until lance leaves, and oscar goes with him, that he decides to make an effort to try and be a better person. and so far, he’s definitely succeeded in turning himself around. he’s also started making amends with vincent, and the two are also quickly growing closer again. at some point during everything with lance, he also gets contacted by the mob, and starts doing contract work for them.

nowadays, oscar is much kinder and more considerate than he’s been in the past. he has an aversion to hurting people and tries to make life easier for the people around him. hes maybe a little exasperated sometimes, but he gives people the benefit of the doubt, and tends to try to hold off on getting angry when possible. he’s a bit of a worrywart, and has a tendency to mother hen the other ocs, fretting over them if they get hurt

some more miscellaneous details about him:

-absolute goth nerd

-enjoys victorian-era outfits and wears somewhat toned-down versions of them as his daily wear

-theatre kid, generally playfully dramatic

-can sing pretty gd well

-plays violin

-has MULTIPLE pet bugs

-trans man, considers himself bisexual and queer

-has ddr competitions with lance

-can’t hold his alcohol worth shit

-definitely not a vampire, lance

-definitely not a necrophiliac, lance

-still holds out hope that caroline, like him, will eventually come around and stop being as much of an ass

-his double-jointed-ness from his creature form carries over to his human guise

-more that im forgetting we need to start writing this stuff down

-a triplet, with his two sisters

so thats the general gist of him, im leaving out a decent amount bc my hand is cramping from doodling and also i may just want to leave those as a surprise.

while writing this i realized that parts of his story dont quite make a lot of sense? unless you know about the timelines of the other ocs?? so if theres questions on stuff feel free to ask me or sam

#oc: oscar #theres my gd novel

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curly-q-reviews · 5 years

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FLIX FROM THE NET

Bird Box, 2018 (dir. Susanne Bier)

SPOILER WARNING THERE WILL BE SPOILERS DONT READ IF U HAVENT SEEN IT YET AND WANT TO

[TW: SUICIDE, MURDER, VIOLENCE, BLOOD, GORE]

well fuck its been a while!! happy new year y’all hope u had a Fun and Safe time!!! i for one was at a party where we started playing Shrek at exactly 10:39 PM to see if Smash Mouth’s hit song I’m a Believer started playing right at midnight and to my utter disbelief and elation it did!!! move over times square ball drop a new arbitrary way of celebrating the start of a new calendar year is here and it involves a large green monster with a scottish accent who really loves his onions (#me am i right ladies)

WELL ANYWAY heres a fun new series ive been thinking of starting cause ya girl watches a lot of netflix movies and has many opinions about them. i think i’ll do a separate post about the whole Netflix Original Film trend in general and how its changed the film industry at a later date but since i just watched the above movie not too long ago i wanted to get all my thoughts out there right fuckin now!!

netflix is without a doubt the OG king of streaming services, they were really the first to get the ball rolling and then dozens of other companies scrambled to latch onto this money train while it was rolling on the tracks full steam (or should i say.... stream EL;KGHS;EKFSH; please end me) ahead. it started out as a rental subscription service where u could pick out three movies at a time to rent and then they were sent to u in the mail (like blockbuster but now you never have to leave your house ever again to get that sweet sweet rental content). and then the decision was made to actually start online streaming, no physical DVD’s required! ISNT TECHNOLOGY GREAT

well whoooo boy this shit swept the nation, people couldnt get enough of such a convenient and relatively affordable service and netflix started really raking in the dough. and at some point they got rich enough to say “hey fuck it!!! lets make our own movies baby!!!!” and here we are now with Netflix Original Movies and TV Shows, which means a new player has entered the movie game in a very novel and innovative way. why pay money for a movie ticket and leave your house to go to a theater when cool new movies are being released on a subscription service u already own to watch movies you already know and enjoy? and then u can sit butt-ass naked in ur bedroom alone stuffing ur face with cheese puffs like an insatiable cheddar beast and see something new and fun and interesting

ok so. Bird Box. here we have a movie based off of a book (so i guess this also counts as a Book Movies review but I DIGRESS) starring hollywood powerhouse sandra bullock, featuring Supreme Lesbian Overlord Sarah Paulson and Resident Crazy Old Man John Malkovich, directed by a relatively unknown but competent female filmmaker Susanne Bier (who also directed Things We Lost in the Fire in 2007, a moving drama starring Halle Berry). this one definitely has a lot of proimse compared to what netflix has offered so far in terms of their original movies (im gonna get into Dumplin’ at a later date cause jesus christ what a mess) and i went in with pretty high expectations

did it deliver??? well uuhhhh yeah sort of i guess!! we got some pretty strong performances from our leading lady bullock who really does deliver it every time, a few strong supporting roles like newcomer Trevante Rhodes of Moonlight fame (his energy on screen is just so compelling and soothing), not overly obnoxious child actors which is really all u can ask for, and overall a solid story.

now heres where i gotta say that i couldnt help comparing this film to another movie of its kind, directed by the notorious M. Night Shyamalan. y’all remember The Happening? cause i remember The Happening. i remember that it was total shit and that the twist was that it was the fucking plants making everyone kill themselves. the PLANTS. and i also remember mark wahlbergs dumb-ass confused face that he used in every single shot no matter the context, im AMAZED i remember zoe deschanel in this movie cause she may as well have been one of the killer plants with how little she emoted, and i remember mark wahlberg yelling at a fake office ficus and apparently i was supposed to be scared while watching this clusterfuck.

the way that this movie was described to me by friends who had seen it before me was basically that Bird Box is a slightly better The Happening, and no truer words have ever been spoken. we basically have the same premise going on here: unknown force is causing people to off themselves, our lead(s) have to try and find a way to escape this unknown force without even knowing what it really is, and theres some sort of “sanctuary” they gotta try and get to (which is a common plot point in really all apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic films). now whereas The Happening’s rules for this scenario make entirely no fucking sense (how in the fuck are u supposed to be able to out-run WIND???), Bird Box has some rules for dealing with this Unknown Thing that make slightly more sense. when u open ur eyes while outside, the chance of the Thing making u kill urself in some horrific way is extremely high, so wear a blindfold when ur outside and keep all windows covered when ur inside. makes sense! thats something i can believe and get behind which makes me more immersed in the story!

unfortunately like The Happening there are still some little things that kinda dont make much sense and take u out of it. apparently some people when they see this unknown entity dont wanna die, but instead find it absolutely beautiful, which makes them want to make everyone else look at it to see how beautiful it is. and its insinuated that these people are mentally ill or have some sort of psychiatric issue. i get that this adds more stakes to the situation and ups the ante, but it doesnt really sit well with me that once again, mentally ill people are the villains in a horror-type story. and i also dont really understand why theyd then wanna go around and make other people see the thing?? unless the thing has them in a mind-control state or something and is making them do its bidding but that seems kind of a weird thing for an all-powerful evil formless entity to do.

and that leads me to the next issue i have with Bird Box. if ur gonna have an apocalyptic scenario where people do something as serious as kill themselves due to an unknown cause, it almost seems a little cliche and cheesy to have it be some sort of mythical celestial god-like or demon-like entity thats doing the damage. i actually really liked where The Happening was going with its source of all the chaos being something naturally made, like the Earth deploying some sort of self-preservation mechanism or something. the idea of that to me is actually loads more frightening than some invisible boogeyman that u cant look at. and then Shamalamadingdong had to go and make it stupid by saying that it was fucking plants trying to kill people by releasing pheromones or some shit. like why cant we have the best of both of these?? something naturally-occuring that maybe has even happened before in the planets history (maybe it wasnt a meteor that killed off the dinosaurs after all??), that isnt FUCKING PLANTS, and that doesnt do cheesy shit like make ur eyes turn grey and bloodshot and like whisper to u telling u to take ur blindfold off (i swear that happens multiple times it was pretty silly)

thats another thing, this movie’s tone is all over the place. there are some moments where a more light-hearted tone is needed to break up the tension, for sure, but it almost as if the writing and dialogue werent really taking this serious of a story as seriously as they should have. weirdly placed jokes are all over the place, there were some moments where the dialogue made me cringe cause it was so awkward. bullock’s character gets to have some good breakdown moments which help bring the tone to the level of somberness and despair it should be at, but all the other supporting characters dont really get the same space to process whats happening to them, so it kinda comes off like they arent really affected by, say, their wife throwing herself into a burning car right in front of their very eyes.

overall i’d still say this is a worthwhile watch, especially considering its a netflix movie. if you’ve ever wanted to see a not-as-horrible version of The Happening that has some deeper metaphorical stuff going on about motherhood and family and shit than this is for you. the production value is overall pretty solid (though when it comes to cinematography i actually prefer The Happening from an artistic standpoint) and sandra bullock knocks it out of the park. go check it out if this seems like something thats up ur alley!!

ok bye for now hopefully it doesnt take me six months to write another review but we’ll see!! my brain is a mystery and time is an illusion HAPPY 20-BI-TEEN Y’ALL

#curly q reviews #bird box #netflix #book movies #flix from the net #the happening #m night shyamalan #sandra bullock #sarah paulson #john malkovich #trevante rhodes #horror #thriller #movies #films #netflix original movies

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jamnstories · 7 years

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JinJin-Birthmark Soulmate AU

Word count: 4,680

Note: Sorry it’s a bit lengthy. Excuse my grammar and spelling mistakes please! It’s my first time writing something like this but I hope you enjoy it!

Globally everyone knew that soulmates were real, but everyone also knew how rare it would be to find their soulmate. During the early 1900’s was when the idea of soulmates was discovered to be real. In the following decades only one or two soulmates found each other. After traveling had become more convenient did that number rise but only slightly. In the past decade, only five couples had found there soulmates. (Of course those were the known ones). Since so few soulmates actually found each other little was known about it and some even thought it to be a hoax.

“Y/n! I found Astro’s new episode of Weekly Idol with english subs for you! Stop staring at your birth mark!” Mae yelled at you. With Astro’s newest comeback and the most recent events to happen you imagined what if JinJin was your soulmate! “As if that would happen. Especially with an idol thats never happened” you laugh to yourself as you hide the birthmark on your left shoulder.

“Did you hear about the soulmates that found each a few years ago?” Mae asked. You gave her a look to say “no duh~”. You and Mae have been friends since first year of high school and it wasn’t till senior year that you both became best friends. By some string of fate you both ended up attending the same college and your friendship has only grown stronger. She introduced Running Man to you and after that even introduced kpop to you. (well technically you got into kpop because you discovered a group after watching a web drama) “Well..” she continued “… apparently they finally agreed to talk to the scientists and the press! Do you know what this means?? Its finally confirmed what happens when soulmates meet each other!” Mae was not one for sappy, cliche, cheesy love stories but she did find the idea of soulmates an interesting topic to discover. You raised yours brows and went wide eyed. She continued to skim the article and finally spoke. “Ok so we all know every soulmate has matching birthmarks but on opposite sides of the body… Apparently they said the first time they met it was like static and all of a sudden both their birthmarks began to hurt and when they checked for their birthmark on their hands it had gone away!” You laughed in amusement at her excitement and brought your attention to your own laptop to continue the subbed episode she had found for you.

You completely fell in love with Astro. When Mae had realized you were more open to the world of Kpop when you had discovered the new rookie group so she began to show you videos of a group she liked, KNK. But all the videos she ever showed you included a cheerful, hyper and bright group… Astro. Once you checked out their MVs on youtube and listened to their debut song “Hide and Seek” you fell for them… HARD; and continued to watch videos on your own. “y/n, did you check your status on the study abroad? I just checked mine and I got accepted to the Seoul, Korea program!” You and Mae had been planning to do study abroad at the same time but had differences in interests. You, Japan. Her, Korea. But due to her constant begging and persuasion, you also applied for the Seoul, Korea program. You sighed as you checked your email. “I didn’t get accepted to the Japan program… BUT! I got into the Seoul!” You both began to jump up and down and started planning the details.

After the long flight the two of you were finally getting off the plane. Even with the jet lag and all the delays, you were both completely awake and excited. “I can’t believe we’re finally here!” Mae was jumping up and down with glee as the two of you walked to customs. “I can’t believe both Astro AND Seventeen will have concerts while we’re here!” “What if you ran into your U/B~?” You sang in a sing-song voice and laughed. As you quickly dodge her slap to your arm, you take a step back and accidentally bump back-to-back with someone and feel a slight shock.

Immediately, you turn around and slightly bow as you apologize. “Ah… Sumimasen… I mean! I’m sorry!… I mean… ah…” As you continued to forget how to say sorry in Korean your face and ears began to turn completely red. You quickly glance at the person but in embarrassment look back down to the floor. The man had a mask and black baseball cap on and in your opinion had good fashion sense.

He giggled and with a deep voice and accent said “It’s ok.” The two of you turn around and walk opposite ways. Mae continues to tease you and laugh at the run in but your mind was off in the clouds as you try to rub away the shocking feeling on your shoulder and the odd feeling that you had met the person before.

“Jin Jin Hyung! Hyung! Hyung! Jin Jin Ah!” “Ya!” Jin Jin yelled as he hit his annoying maknae. Jin Jin and the rest of Astro (along with some of the staff) were on the way to the gate for their flight for an overseas concert and as usual Sanha was annoying Jin Jin.

“I can’t believe we’re on our way to another overseas concert. It feels like we just had our Dream Pt.1 concert not long ago.” Eunwoo continued to reminisce aloud. Everyone began to mess with him and laugh. Jin Jin began to laugh hard and lost balance causing him to take a step back. Running into someone. As he turned around he immediately said sorry but began to laugh at the girl’s reaction. “Ah… Sumimasen… I mean! I’m sorry!… I mean… ah…” Seeing how she reacted he figured she did not recognize him and began to laugh at how flustered she was. “It’s ok.” He replied and turned to continue walking. Without the rest of the group noticing he looked back at the girl and caught a quick glimpse of her face.

“She’s cute” he thought as he turned back to the rest of the group and rubbed the pain in his right shoulder.

The six weeks of classes and field trips was coming to an end. You and Mae were busy studying for finals and planning the next three weeks before you go back home.  “Ok so I already bought the tickets for the Seventeen concert and Astro concert. We didn’t get into the fan signing event for Seventeen, but we got into the Astro one!” Mae was sad that we couldn’t go to the Seventeen fan sign event but was excited for you. “How’s your shoulder doing by the way?” she asked as she went back to her studying. For the past six weeks your shoulder had an uncomfortable numbness to it ever since that run in at the airport.

“WAIT! What if that was your soulmate! What if the guy you bumped into at the airport was your soulmate? Maybe thats why he was so familiar to you?” Mae suddenly jumped up causing you to fall off your chair in shock. “Ha! As if that would happen. You know its rare to find your soulmate and even if it was him I doubt I’d ever see him again.” You calmly respond as you get back on your chair. “Maybe its still hurting because he’s nearby. I’m telling you! Before we leave Korea you’ll meet your soulmate again.” Ignoring her comment you both go back to studying.

“Hyung can you check my shoulder again? The pain is still there.” Jin Jin asked MJ as he pulled the right side of his shirt down. “Jin Jin the doctors said there was nothing wrong with it. Maybe you’re working out too much or adding too much weight to the bars.” “No I’m not! I haven’t even gotten the chance to work out that much these past few weeks.”

MJ quickly ran out their shared bedroom door and checked the rest of the dorm if the other members were there. “JIN JIN!” he yelled as he ran back in shutting the door and locking it. Jin Jin was shocked as MJ suddenly forced Jin Jin’s shirt off “Hyung! What are you doing!?” “Look at your shoulder!” Jin Jin did just as his hyung told him to do. His eyes opened wide and his mouth agape. “My birthmark! Its faded!”

“Do you know what this means? It means that you’ve run into your soulmate! Do you know when the pain started?” MJ began to jump up and down the room. “Hyung! Hyung! Calm down! I think it started when I ran into that girl at the airport on our way to the overseas concert… We don’t know if this is for sure because of my soulmate. It could just look like it’s faded…” Still in disbelief he sat there in shock. MJ noticing his friend’s reaction quietly sat down next to him. “What’s wrong?” He asked calmly.

“I don’t know hyung… What if this affects our popularity? What if the others get disappointed in me? What if I get kicked out of Astro? What if I ruin her life with the publicity? What if it doesn’t work out? I mean we’re idols we have busy lives. What if she doesn’t like me or want to see me? I mean its not like I’d be able to see her again anyways right?…” He took a deep breath and sighed. “Hyung I don’t know what do. Theres so much going through my mind right now… Can we keep this a secret from the rest of the group?” MJ nodded as he placed Jin Jin’s head on his shoulder and hugged him.

“I’m so excited! Aren’t you excited y/n????” Mae asked hitting your arm. “Ow! You know my shoulder is hurting yet you keep hitting me.” You cried. It was the week before you leave to go home and the two of you were counting down the days. You had gone to both Seventeen and Astro’s concerts and now it was the final day you were really excited about. Astro’s fan signing event. She apologized and and looked at you with worry. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s just hurting a lot more than usual for some reason.” You sighed and finally got excited. “Look they’re finally letting us in!”

“Hyung~ are you sure you’re ok?” Sanha continued to whine. “For the tenth time, IM FINE SANHA!” Jin Jin yelled as he rubbed his shoulder. “Don’t worry. I can smile to the fans.” he calmly told his manager. They went out on the stage with smiles on their faces as they waved to the screaming crowd. After taking their seats (from youngest to oldest), the manager got the crowd to calm down and get in a line. One girl caught Jin Jin’s eye. You. But he didn’t know why and just went back to greeting and talking to the fans currently in front of him.

You began to fan girl as you got closer and closer to the members. “What if i forget what I’m gonna say to them?? Or if I forget to give my gift??” You began to panic and Mae laughed in amusement. “Thats why you have the note cards to read it or to show it to them if they don’t understand you and I doubt you’ll forget to give your gift. If anything I’ll be right after you to remind you.” As you got closer and closer your nerves got stronger and so did the pain in your shoulder.

Finally you got to Sanha. He was amused with how hard you tried to speak in Korean and he tried to respond to english which made both of you laugh. Rocky was confused so he read your note card and laughed and helped teach you how to pronounce each word. Moonbin was so happy when you gave him a box of chocolate from back home. Eunwoo told you to be comfortable and just talk in english so that “he could practice” (but you know he was just being considerate. Finally it was Jin Jin’s turn. You felt your heart beating uncontrollably as the nerves got multiplied by a 100.

Jin Jin watched as the girl came closer and closer and suddenly she was right in front of him. He couldn’t help but smile larger than he had with the other fans. He noticed the note cards in his hand and silently laughed to himself. He didn’t understand why but this girl amused him so much.

“Hi!” He smiled at you. “It’s ok. You can speak english.” A part of you was relieved and you began to talk to him calmly. “Mianhae. I was here for study abroad but my Korean is still bad.” You said shyly barely able to look at him. “My name is y/n.” He just continued to smile and stare at you as he finished signing your album. For some reason he was so happy and star struck by you he couldn’t speak. “It was nice to meet you y/n. Thank you for coming.” He finally said as he reached his hand out to you for a high-five. “I’m really glad I got to meet you in person” You said with a smile as you got up reached your hand out. As the two of you interlocked hands a sudden pain shot through the both of you. Both of you let go causing you to pass out and fall to the ground. Jin Jin was scream in pain as he held his shoulder trying to stay in his chair.

You slowly wake up. As your vision and hearing becomes clear you notice you are lying down on a couch. Clothes, make up kits, snacks, and other equipment fill the room you are in. “Oh y/n, you’re awake!” Mae comes running up to you from the snacks table and hands you bottled water. “Where are we? What happened?” you ask as you drink the water. “We’re in the dressing room. You passed out after you and Jin Jin suddenly started to cry out in pain… Don’t worry about Jin Jin. They brought him back here when they brought you and checked his shoulder… Y/n… I overheard them say his birthmark disappeared.” You opened your eyes wide and rushed to check your shoulder. Mae gasped and you opened your mouth in shock. Your birthmark was gone too. You could not believe this was happening. The fact that not only did you find your soulmate but that your soulmate was your ultimate bias was unfathomable. Just as you were about to say something Astro’s manager walked into the room with a person wearing a “Translator” badge.

“Was your birthmark on your left shoulder?” You nodded. “I don’t know if your friend told you but, Jin Jin’s was on his shoulder too and it disappeared after the scene the two of you caused.” He sighed and scratched the back of his neck. “Since this is the first time this has happened to an idol we honestly don’t know what to do. While I am contacting the CEO about the incident the two of you will wait here. Jin Jin will come after the fan signing has ended.” After the two of you nod your heads, both the manager and the translator walk out of the room, leaving the two of you to process what has happened.

The event was finally over. You could tell because all the staff were rushing around packing and cleaning. You could hear the faint cheers coming from the other side of the door. You and Mae sat in silence, as she figured from your expression that you needed it.

Finally, everything was quiet. All the staff had packed up the equipment and make up leaving the clothes and other random things in the room and left. Past the door was silent for what seemed like forever. Until finally you could hear faint whispers in Korean which Mae also heard and whispered the translation to you, “Just go in there already!… I’m sure she’s just as nervous as you are but don’t you realize how exciting this is? How happy you would be and how happy all of us would be for you??” The whispers became louder as he continued to talk. “But hyung…” “No! No buts! For once don’t worry about what will happen and just take this chance to be happy for yourself. If its the universe’s work then I’m sure the universe will make sure everything will work out.”

You were moved by MJ’s advice to Jin Jin. (and yes you know it’s MJ cuz of course he can’t keep his voice down haha) You take a deep breath as you hear them open the door. Jin Jin is first through the door and as you make eye contact it was like all your nerves and worries faded away. He walks in, MJ following behind him, and walks towards you. By some odd reason you got up from the couch and ran into his embrace. He twirled you giggling and when he finally set you down the two of you make eye contact again both smiling happily. Your faces slowly (by the same odd force that made you get up and run to him) got closer. Lips almost touching until…

“Eh hem” both Mae and MJ cleared their throats. You both suddenly realized what had happened, took a step back from each other with heads bowed to the ground and ears and face completely red. Mae and MJ began to laugh at the two of you. “HYUNG!” “MAE!” you both yelled at the same time you look at each other and began to laugh.

After all four of you had calmed down, Jin Jin went up to you and politely reached his hand out to you for a handshake. “I’m Jinwoo…” he laughed awkwardly. “I’m y/n” you giggled back as you shook his hand. The two of you smiled at each other staring into the other’s eyes, still holding hands. “Um… I can somewhat translate for you guys if you have trouble saying something in the other’s language…” Mae suggested to the both of you in English and Korean.

The two of you sat on the couch next to each other with an awkward distance in-between. MJ and Mae pulled up chairs to sit in front of the two of you. Jin Jin just stared at you with his puppy dog eyes making you blush and look away. MJ (feeling awkward by Jin Jin’s actions decides to speak up “um… It’s a little late to say this but… Hi! I’m MyungJun… How much longer will the two of you be here in Korea?” Mae surprised by the question answers it herself after translating it. “We leave Friday of next week…”

“EHHHH???” Jin Jin snapped out of his stare and went into panic causing him to speak faster than Mae can understand. He jumped up and pulled you up into his embrace. “We just met and you already leave next week???” You could feel the blood rush to his face and the small drops of tears forming in his eyes. “y/n, I have so many worries and responsibilities and stress with being part of Astro and meeting you. I just want to tell of them to you. Rant to you. Figure out how to make things work. I don’t even know if you like me to begin with.”

You strengthened your embrace and told him “Of course I like you! You’ve always been my ultimate bias!” you chuckled. “It’s ok. Don’t worry about everything else. We’ll figure it out over time.” Your warm voice caused him to almost break into tears. You look up and notice that MJ and Mae had been looking at the two of you in shock. You gave Mae a confused face. In turn she responded “y/n… You just spoke in fluent Korean…” “Jin Jin you spoke in English!” MJ exclaimed. You two take a step back from your embrace unsure why but both happily accept what had happened. You could not only completely speak and understand Korean but most importantly be able to communicate with Jin Jin and the same was for him.

Suddenly the door slammed wide open. The other four members of Astro came rushing in. Jin Jin suddenly pulled you and Mae behind him and MJ and bowed to them. Suddenly he went from being happy to sad. His whole body shaking as he struggled to speak. “I’m sorry…” He began to shake more tears flowing down his cheeks. He continued to apologize over and over. The others said nothing. Eunwoo, followed by Moonbin and then the rest surrounded him and hugged him. Eunwoo broke the silence with a shaky voice “Hyung! Why are you crying! You’ll make the rest of us cry.” “Ya! Jin Jin hyung, your supposed to be happy! We’re happy for you!” Moonbin said as he jokingly hit Jin Jin’s arm. “Like I told you before dummy! Don’t worry about what will happen. We’re all happy for you and whatever happens happens. We’ll all get through this. You’ll get through this and now you have another special person in your life to be there for you… Jin Jin, stop putting all the pressure on yourself. We’re all here for you.” Jin Jin cried in their embrace for a good 10 min.

Jin Jin finally calmed down. Eunwoo hit him on the arm as they dispersed from their huddle. “Hyung! Introduce us to her!” All of their attention suddenly went to you. Sanha suddenly ran up right to your face and started to wave at you. “Hi, I’m Sanha!… Ah! I remember you!” Rocky pulled Sanha back to give you space and said “Hi I’m Minhyuk but you can keep calling me Rocky if you want.” Moonbin and Eunwoo walked up next to Rocky. “I’m Dongmin but you can keep calling me Eunwoo if you want.” “I’m Moonbin! Thank you for the chocolates again!” Moonbin hugged you. “YA! That’s my soulmate! Give her some space.” Jin Jin began to nag at them as he pulled them to the other side of the room.

All their love and care for each other that you watched from your computer screen was happening right in front of you and it made you happy. You began to laugh making them move their attention to you once again. “It’s nice to meet all of you. I’m y/n” you smiled at them. They were shocked hy your sudden fluency in Korean so Jin Jin explained what happened.

“Waaaah! NOONA IS SO NICE! You don’t deserve her hyung. Your the opposite. Your mean.” Sanha stuck his tung out playfully at Jin Jin earning him a punch and a kick from him. “See noona! Jin Jin hyung is mean to me!” he yelled as he ran behind you.

The eight of you became comfortable after that talking and laughing. You felt all your worries go away until… “Noona, when do you leave?” Eunwoo asked you sitting on the couch. “Oh… We leave next week Friday…” Everyone suddenly became quiet when they heard your response. Moonbin looked over to Jin Jin with concern. “Hyung…” He was interrupted by a knock on the door. All the members of Astro stopped what they were doing and politely greeted their manager and those that filed in after him; the translator and another person, the CEO of Fantagio. MJ, who was standing near you, whispered to you and Mae who he was, causing the two of you to quickly get up and properly greet him. Jin Jin went up to their manager and explained that you no longer needed the translator and Mae could understand enough that she didn’t need it either.

After the translator left, their manager and CEO sat down at the table in the middle of the room and asked you and Jin Jin to sit in the last two seats. The rest of Astro sat down on the couch behind you and brought over a stool for Mae to sit on next to them. The atmosphere was suffocating. You could feel the tension and worries on everyones’ mind.

Finally, the CEO faced your direction and asked in an intimidating tone; “What is your name?” “y/n sir” “Do you understand the situation the two of you are in?” This time is question was aimed to both of you. “Yes. We know its complicated especially because this is the first time it has happened to an idol.” Jin Jin quickly stated and then bowed his head down. The CEO sighed and scratched the back of his head. “What do you think should happen?” he asked. Confidently you tell him “I leave next week friday to go home. If possible… I think we would both want to spend as much time together as possible before then… I don’t want Jin Jin to give up or be kicked out of Astro. He has a lot of fans and Astro wouldn’t be the same without him. If thats what being together means then… I’d rather sacrifice being together so he can stay in Astro and shine like the star I know he is.” You just looked at the manager and the CEO both with poker faces on. Jin Jin looked at you with admiration and affection. He couldn’t believe you had said that with confidence.

“For now our priority is to avoid a scandal. Obviously after the scene the two of you created earlier, the internet is already spreading with curiosity and rumors. While we wait for that incident to calm down, we will be thinking over all the possibilities.” He sighed and said with full sincerity in his voice. “To be honest, removing Jin Jin from Astro is the worst thing we would want to do. Until we make a decision we will allow the two of you to spend time together while you are here but, with our approval as to avoid scandal. Also, until we make a decision we will allow you to keep in contact after you leave.” Jin Jin takes your hand and smiles to you making you smile back. “y/n. Jinwoo. You must agree that you understand whatever our decision ends up being that both of you will accept it. y/n. You must also acknowledge that you understand whatever may happen will for sure change your life. Are you willing to accept it?” You and Jin Jin look to each other. “Yes I am acknowledging and accepting.” “If y/n is willing to accept it then… Yes.”

Happy with the outcome of the talk the CEO and manager get up and walk out the door. Jin Jin faced you and took both of your hands in his as he stared into your eyes. “Y/n… I don’t know what will happen. But, I do know I want to make the most the time we have together right now and no matter what may happen. I want you to know that I love you.” You couldn’t help but giggle. “I love you too!” He leaned in to kiss you but was cut short. “EEEEEEWWWWW!” “Jin Jin hyung there’s an innocent baby here!” One by one the members continued to add to their complaints. As Jin Jin went to go get mad at his younger brothers you went over to Mae both of you giggling. “I’m happy I didn’t get accepted into the Japan program… I guess it is possible to find a soulmate huh?” She laughed and nudged her shoulder to yours. “I told you it was.”

You both giggle and walk over to join the fun starting to make the most of the time you have with Jinwoo.

#jinjin #jinwoo #astro imagines #jinjin imagine #jinwoo imagine #soulmate au #astro scenarios #astro fanfic #jinjin scenario

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resilientreader · 5 years

Note

1-98 for asks like we did a million years ago, I dare you

i knew the MOMENT i saw the notif in my inbox that it was gonna be YOU pulling this shit and i crossed my fingers when actually clicking, HOPING i wouldnt have to answer all 98, maybe you’ll be tame this time, but no! this is what you’re doing to me. and ykno what, Fine. u dare me and i Will do it. i hope u rb the asks post so i can do it to u too, tho

1. coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars

3. bubblegum

4. that smart student who always read instead of actually paying attention

5. soda from glass cups is the best

6. its hard to just Decide between all these styles so ill say which one applies to mine most, which i Gotta say has to b preppy even if i want like goth or grunge to b mixed in

7. headphones

8. good omens, fmab, castlevania, uhhhh. those are just the ones ive watched so far this summer

9. my grandparents’ home. which is kinda weird but i have a lot of summer memories there

10. i sucked at like Everything in p.e., there Was no best

11. leftovers

12. i cant choose a favorite playlist?? /some/ of them, tho, are soar my ethereal heart, neither here nor there, mountainside storms, and sync of my heartbeat. so like any of my more recent ones

13. lanyard

14. i had to google a list for this bc honestly i always eat just chocolates but i like starburst

15. fahrenheit 451 was a rly fun read. ray bradbury’s writing gave me inspo for metaphors and writing and such and it was rly nice

16. sprawled across one of those comfy armchairs where i can swing my legs over one arm n lay my head on the other one

17. my black converse

18. cool temperature and rain without storms, or a cloudy day that lets me take a nice walk

19. on my side if i can but on my back otherwise

20. on my laptop, in google docs, to be more specific

21. winnie the pooh

22. idk?? i try not to look to just one person for a source of “this is how i should be”, so i guess,,,, a mix of family members and then a couple like more famous ppl??? which would basically consist of one of my aunts, my dad, and jenna marbles, to keep my Brain Process for role model stuff simplified

23. i dunno if any of the habits i have are strange?? i bounce my right leg and my right hand kinda. like. shakes when im nervous. i cant rly think of anything else i do tho i Know i probably have other habits

24. amethyst or pyrite

25. ur really just assuming my memory is good enough for this but if i had to say, it’d be any popular song from 2009 specifically

26. hide in my room with a fan and ac

27. read with a blanket wrapped around me or smth

28. atlas: six by sleeping at last, flaws by bastille, atlas: five by sleeping at last, she by dodie, and neptune by sleeping at last. there are probably more/better ones but those are the first ones i found

29. listen. be open with me. talk with me. not to sound like that person, but sharing ur life secrets is a rly big ice breaker for me because it helps let me know i can trust u. but also idk im a really awkward person and can accidentally distance myself from ppl so when ppl notice theres smth up w me or even do the bare minimum of doing Their part to maintain a friendship, that’s always rad as shit when idk how to communicate what i need

30. my room, my high school’s auditorium, the local barnes and noble

31. black boots, black jeans, any button-up shirt that’ll match that combination OR a really cool sweatshirt

32. im a bad bitch, you cant kill me. road work ahead? uh, i sure hope it does. it is wednesday, my dudes! welcome to chili’s. i love you, bitch, and i ain’t ever gonna stop loving you, bitch.

33. probably “omg” or “oh my god”

34. sc johnson. a family company.

35. i dont even have one but on a good night like 10-11

36. the troll face memes

37. suitcases feel much more organized

38. lemonade

39. lemon cake

40. ummmmm....one time a tech/theatre kid left a paint can sitting out in the open accidentally and a person took a shit in it or smth then knocked over the can, spilled a bunch of paint, and tried to clean it up w a broom and proceeded to like snap the broom in half. then they ran away to leave the kids to clean it up the next day. i wasnt actually there for that but ive heard the story firsthand enough times to Know

41. my dad

42. jacket pockets

43. hoodie is what i wear, tho everything else is Very Good

44. lavender

45. fantasy, my dudes

46. this set of pjs i got for xmas w a soft tshirt and matching baggy flannel pants

47. colby jack

48. uhhh a banana?? i could probably give a better answer if i was more

49. i dont rly live by a quote or saying, i just Go for it

50. my sister has probably done smth before to like Break me

51. everything ever but mostly myself

52. arial

53. uhhh...kinda worn? my nails aren’t doin so good and i have a couple scratches and stuff that Still havent healed after a few weeks

54. get a move on

55. the ugly duckling

56. tradition is kinda vague but i like that it became tradition for me and my siblings to go to my grandparents’ home every summer

57. i think im still overcoming like everything ive been faced with ever

58. writing? listening, helping, giving advice. idk tbh like talents who?

59. "jesus christ, my dude”

60. a fantasy/comedy, or at least if its gonna be fantasy with death and stuff, it should be dope as fuck

61. "isn’t vulnerability the opposite of being in control?” from a webcomic called aerial magic. super simple but the entire scene leading up to it,,,,,so good

62. umm fuck! i dont kno whether favs r usually ones that i relate to or ones that i wanna b like but??? keith from voltron, jirou from bnha, chromedome and/or rewind from transformers/mtmte, sypha from castlevania, and jayfeather from warriors

63. planetary (go!) by mcr, the seed by aurora, hayloft by mother mother, the cup/halloween blues from relient k, choke by i dont know how but they found me

64. coolmath was THE shit

65. yes! two on my leg from a surgery i had to get to realign my femur, bc i snapped the bone in half

66. lavender, snowdrops, hibiscus

67. i dont really have any, mostly bc i have a hard time attaching like. That sorta meaning to just random objects, but i do still have a small teddy bear stashed safely away in my room from when i was a little babee

68. pickle-flavored pringles. disgusting. would not recommend

69. lions’ roars can be heard up to 5 miles away from the original source

70. right handed

71. horizontal stripes, i guess? there’s not much wrong with them but i just Never wear them

72. math

73. i dont usually eat /weird/ flavor combos, even tho ill eat basically anything, but i like ketchup in mac and cheese sometimes. or fries in shakes. chicken and waffles. stuff like that

74. 11

75. idek honestly, my memory is too bad

76. hashbrowns

77. i dont kno a Lot of plants off the top of my head other than the Basic ones but literally any flower in a windowsill is like bone apple teeth in my mind

78. sushi from a grocery store. publix taught me that grocery stores can, in fact, be trusted when needed

79. my school id photo

80. earth tones

81. fireflies

82. pc

83. writing

84. talk radio is nostalgic but podcasts are always more entertaining to actually listen to

84. polly pocket

85. mythology with a dash of fairytales

86. cupcakes, because of my dog’s name

87. abandonment

88. to grow unbreakable attachments with everyone i care very deeply about and grow into an old age with them, or something

89. i feel like answering this question totally honestly would hurt ppl’s feelings, but also i literally could think of like 4 people to put down for this and i’m bad at deciding, esp w smth like this, so. not to b vague but These People kno who they are

90. becoming a part of a certain website with a bad crowd and managing to pick out the good apples in such a rotten batch

91. boxes

92. lamps /and/ fairy lights

93. i dont rly have any but my parents call me hannah banana. that’s ab it, tho

94. fall/winter? it kinda is inconsistent because fall has bad weather in florida but winter is when like everything has Gone Wrong in life these past few years, but then fall has such a GOOD aesthetic and my birthday is in winter, so they’re pretty even rn

95. uhhh??? thats such a weird thing, to try and assign a “favorite” app, but the only thing i could think to say would be spotify just bc i use it so much on my phone, even if the app itself isnt the greatest

96. i havent set one, actually, bc im lazy and havent found anything that’d fit

97. 2 and a half

98. the part where fish were learning that they could walk on land

#asks #resilientspeaker #trying to put this under read more #but either tumblr doesnt let asks to do that or its not showing me anything #either way if this Does show to b a long post sorry ab that

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mysydneymemories-blog · 5 years

Text

British PM Theresa May in tears as she resigns

Theresa May has quit as British Prime Minister after she failed to get her Brexit deal through. She will leave the job on June 7, just two days after a visit from US president Donald Trump for D-Day celebrations in England. The decision opens up a wide leadership race, with former London mayor Boris Johnson the front runner. Im proud of the progress we have made over the past three years, she said outside No. 10 Downing St. I will shortly leave the job that it has been the honour of my life to hold. The second female prime minister but certainly not the last.

media_cameraBritains Prime Minister Theresa May has resigned, with her decision opening up a wide leadership race, with former London mayor Boris Johnson the front runner. Picture: AP Mrs May was in tears as she walked back into No. 10 as she spoke of the opportunity to serve the country that she loved. She said she deeply regretted not being able to get Brexit done.

media_cameraBritain's Prime Minister Theresa May reacts as she announces her resignation outside 10 Downing street in central London. Picture: AFP The British parliament has been in chaos again this week, with Mrs Mays plan for a Brexit deal embarrassingly shelved from a vote. It comes as counting was continuing in European elections, which British voters were forced to endure because the UK missed its deadline to the leave the EU.

media_cameraBritain's Prime Minister Theresa May announces her resignation outside 10 Downing Street. Picture: AP The conservative Tory government was expected to poll one of its lowest ever votes. Mrs May met with Sir Graham Brady, chairman of the powerful 1922 committee on Friday. The committee had discussed whether they change their long standing rules to allow a second no-confidence vote of Mrs May earlier in the week, but stopped short of the dramatic change. Mrs Mays supporters were privately saying that her time is up earlier this week. The logjam around how to get Britain out of the European Union, which was voted on three years ago, has been the death of Mrs Mays political career.

media_cameraMrs Mays voice cracked as she left the lectern visibly emotional following her announcement. Picture: AFP Andrea Leadsom quit the critical role as Commons leader this week over Mrs Mays latest Brexit deal, which opened up the possibility of a second referendum. Home Secretary Sajid Javid has told Mrs May in a frank discussion that he did not believe her plan was right. He reportedly made clear he does not believe the Government should be paving the way for a second referendum. Mrs Leadsom said the Prime Ministers future was a matter for her. But, for me, I felt I couldnt in all conscience stand up and deliver the business statement today with the Withdrawal Agreement Bill in it that I couldnt support elements of, she said. So, I have no doubts that I made the right decision and, of course, its for the Prime Minister to decide whats right for her and for the country.

media_cameraBritish Prime Minister Theresa May walks away after making her speech in the street outside 10 Downing Street in London. Picture: AP A 1922 Committee source said they expected Mrs May would stay until June, but warned there would be much greater pressure for her to go immediately if she introduces the WAB. Hopefully what will happen is she will stand down as Tory leader I think on or before June 10, and she will hopefully remain as caretaker Prime Minister until such time as a new Tory leader is elected, they said. My feeling is that she will stay until June 10. Digital minister Margot James said: Its all very regrettable but shes being hounded out of office because Parliament will not make a decision and the parties just have an inability to compromise. But in the end theres got to be a compromise. Mrs May has previously agreed to set out the timetable for the contest to replace her after a vote on her latest Brexit deal, which had been expected on June 7. CONSERVATIVE PARTY LEADER HOPEFULS Its expected a Conservative Party leadership ballot will be held in two weeks time. Here is a list of the main declared and potential hopefuls: BORIS JOHNSON

media_cameraBoris Johnson. Picture: Getty Images A former mayor of London, Boris or BoJo, has confirmed he would of course contest any upcoming leadership contest, surprising very few in Westminster. A key figure in the 2016 Brexit campaign, he failed in a bid for the top job in its aftermath as ally Michael Gove withdrew his support at the last minute. May appointed Johnson as foreign minister but he quickly drew attention for the wrong reasons, including a series of diplomatic gaffes. He became increasingly uncomfortable with the governments Brexit strategy before resigning in July. Charismatic and popular with grassroots Conservatives, he has maintained his public profile by writing a weekly column in The Daily Telegraph. An endorsement from influential pro-Brexit backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg has boosted his chances, but the 54-year-old has also earned plenty of enemies within the party for his behaviour. He separated from his second wife in September and has a new girlfriend. He has recently lost weight and trimmed back his trademark mop of blond hair. JEREMY HUNT

media_cameraJeremy Hunt. Picture: AFP The foreign minister supported remaining in the European Union in the 2016 referendum but has been highly critical of what he calls the arrogant approach since taken by Brussels. A former businessman who speaks fluent Japanese, he is a resilient politician, having headed up the National Health Service for six years during a funding crisis. Hunt replaced Johnson as Britains chief diplomat last year. Softly spoken and measured, he is calm under fire and has gradually seen his power and influence in cabinet rise. The 52-year-old has signalled his intent to run for the leadership and, like several other contenders, recently invited a Sunday newspaper into his home for a profile. DOMINIC RAAB An ardent Eurosceptic with a black belt in karate, the 45-year-old has quickly climbed the ministerial ladder after only joining the government in 2015 under former Prime Minister David Cameron. He backed Brexit and was named justice minister in the new cabinet after the 2016 referendum. Raab later served as Brexit secretary from July to November 2018 when he stepped down in protest at the Brexit deal struck with the EU. Just before his departure, he was widely mocked for saying that he hadnt quite understood how reliant UK trade in goods is on the Dover-Calais crossing. Remaining outside government since then, he has appeared in campaign mode in recent months, reportedly hiring staff and giving multiple newspaper interviews. MICHAEL GOVE

media_cameraMichael Gove. Picture: Getty Images Brexit campaigner Gove initially supported Johnsons leadership bid in 2016 but at the last minute announced his own intention to run, causing both men to lose out to May. Whatever charisma is, I dont have it, he admitted in the race in which he came third. After a year in the political wilderness, he was appointed environment minister in June 2017 and has stayed in the headlines with a series of eco-friendly policy announcements. Equally active in his previous justice and education briefs, he is a minister who likes to see through radical new policies. Following a series of resignations, the cerebral 51-year-old is among the most ardent Eurosceptics left in Mays faltering government. SAJID JAVID

media_cameraSajid Javid. Picture: AFP A former investment banker and the son of a Pakistani immigrant bus driver, the 49-year-old Javid is the face of a modern, multicultural and meritocratic Britain. On the economically liberal wing of the Conservative Party, Javid voted for Britain to stay in the EU in 2016. Since being appointed interior minister in April 2018, he has earned respect for his handling of a scandal over the treatment of the children of Caribbean immigrants, known as the Windrush generation. However, he was recently criticised in liberal circles for stripping a teenage mother who ran away to join the Islamic State group of her British nationality. ANDREA LEADSOM

media_cameraAndrew Leadsom. Picture: AFP Former Leader of the House of Commons Andrea Leadsom, who lost out to May in the 2016 contest to replace Cameron, stole a march on her rivals by quitting her cabinet position on Wednesday, hastening the prime ministers demise and staking out her pro-Brexit credentials. She got down to the final two in the 2016 race, but pulled out before the decision was handed over to party members, with whom she was popular, after coming under fire for saying that being a mother would give her an advantage as prime minister over childless May. Originally published as British PM Theresa May in tears as she resigns https://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/world/britains-prime-minister-theresa-resigns-after-troubles-negotiating-brexit-withdrawal-agreement/news-story/0ff4299d6a011403525243484f922a83?from=htc_rss

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circuitboardskinarc · 7 years

Note

five times + anger

i’ll write a ‘drabble’ if you put 5 times + a word

“Are ya keepin’ tabs on me, old man?!”

He’s been in and out of the manor for a little over a year. Sometimes he stays for a few days, or a few weeks. Sometimes he’s around once in a week, and he doesn’t call, or text, despite the short messages he receives morning and evening. Terry likes Bruce well enough. They’ve fallen into a kind of routine, even after the fiasco after Terry found out about the batcave (was he supposed to leave the bat in the clock?). He doesn’t talk about why he leaves, or what he does out there on the streets. He definitely doesn’t expect Bruce to be checking up on him.

There’s an ugly bruise across his face this time. His lip is split. There’s blood sliding into his eyes, on his knuckles, on his jeans. He looks ragged, like he’s been in a fight with a bat and took it on head first. He’s not on a suicide machine, he’s not trying to be stupid--but ever since he saw the suit, ever since he knew this old man was Batman something had seeped into his skin. He remembers Stitches talking about the Batman with both an old annoyance and quiet gratitude, about second chances, but also about fighting the good fight. Back then it had just been stories, and Terry never thought he would actually feel it in his blood.

But here he is standing in the middle of the old man’s manor, fists trembling with an anger he’s not sure how to express. He’s gotten used to their routine--the one where they don’t talk about Terry’s odd absences and how he can’t seem to stay. This feels like an invasion, a over-step of these boundaries that they’ve made.

“I ain’t doin’ anythin’ fucked up, old man! I ain’t your kid, or whatever the fuck. Y’can’t jus’ act like I ain’t here half the time, n’then come with this shit ‘bout where m’goin’ or what m’doin’! I was jus’ tryin’ ta help people. Ain’t that what you used t’do?! Only I ain’t got no fancy fuckin’ suit n’trainin’-- m’not one o’them Jokerz!”

And maybe he shouldn’t be so angry, there’s no reason for it really. If he’s honest with himself, the old man looked concerned when he’d arrived. And then there’s Bruce, just telling him to clean himself up, nothing else. No response to the tirade, and there goes all of Terry’s anger.

“McGinnis.”

His breathing comes in harsh pants, gloved fist raised above the already bleeding face of this newest thug whose dared to earn his rage. Terry knows from the tone of voice in his ear that he’s this close--this close to passing the line from vigilante to murderer. The next time he sees Commissioner Gordon he won’t be able to look her in the eye. He’s practically vibrating with anger. There’s blood glistening on the black gauntlets, and beneath them his fists ache. The criminal is passed out on the ground of the alley, face already swelling.

“Get back to the cave. Now.”

There’s a protest on his tongue, but it dies the longer he stares at the man. The alley is silent, broken only by his still harsh breathing. Terry calls the batmobile in utter silence, still feeling the need to hurt someone, and how scary is that? He bites down on his tongue to keep any words to himself, because he’s still seeing red (and it’s not because of the lenses, or the interior of the batmobile).

He rips off his mask and removes his suit without a word. He doesn’t listen to Bruce, he doesn’t want to. There’s nothing that can be said this time. He’s icing his hands (puts the timer on the microwave in the kitchen because he knows the left one won’t feel as if the cold).

“One day your voice ain’t gonna cut it, old man. One day m’gonna slag someone and I ain’t gonna be sorry.”

And there’s the anger that he’d been expecting, maybe hoping for. Because Terry still needs a fight, as much as he wants to let it go. He can’t do that, because it feels like his bloodstream is toxic and if he doesn’t do something about it, he will choke and die.

Maybe he wants to hear that he doesn’t deserve the mantle of Batman, maybe he wants to hear that he’s fucking up, he wants to know that he’s right about himself--

But Bruce ultimately tells him to suck it up, and to do what he knows he has to; to control his impulses. Terry doesn’t know why he bothers.

“You ain’t always right. Not everyone c’n do shit like you, Wayne. I ain’t you. I don’t got your skills, so fuck off, alright?!”

There were so many almosts. The city almost got blown to hell, he’d almost let a criminal escape, he almost fucked up. But Terry had ultimately done well, and he feels je deserves a little more praise than he is getting; not a lecture. It’s as if all his success has been thrown out the window, and it doesn’t matter. Terry fucked up no matter what the result. His hands are balled into tight fists and if he didn’t respect the old man so damn much, he might have actually punched that stupid glare on his face.

Terry knew he shouldn’t feel that way, and it would likely terminate their partnership entirely, but he isn’t above doing it either. He’s not a good kid. He hasn’t been a good kid since he stabbed some adult in the throat and ran off covered in blood. It doesn’t matter that they had attacked him first. It’s that memory he always thinks of when he gets like this, or when he’s out on patrol, or when he’s screwed up so bad Bruce looks like he’s ready to tell him to get out.

He thinks thats where all this anger really comes from: the fear that sooner or later he’s about to be rejected. The years can pass, and he still thinks that one day Bruce will tell him he’s a failure. This time it’s just a lecture; one telling him that he can’t rely on almosts, that doesn’t he realize next time he might not be able to do what he has to?

“Jus’ say it! Tell me I ain’t cut for this! Tell me ya don’t think I c’n do this, an’ that I should jus’ give up right now. Cause let’s face it, Wayne, I ain’t no fuckin’ genius an’ I sure ain’t ever gonna be. Ya want someone else, but you’re stuck with me.”

“Glad you’re alright.”

His tone is barely restrained anger, but it’s not directed toward Bruce. It’s a helpless kind of anger, that settles in his chest and makes it hard to breathe. He gets through it anyway. He can’t afford to panic over something like this. The old man is fine, and he’ll be fine so long as nothing like this happens again. THIS being one of their rogues actually getting their hands on Wayne. Terry suddenly understands what Bruce was getting at last time about ‘almosts’ and needing to be better. He thought he understood before. He hadn’t.

Terry wants something to hit. He wants to slam hiss fists into the walls until his knuckles are bruised and bleeding, but he stays still, sat in the chair beside the hospital bed. The doctors said he would be fine, and that’s a relief. Terry brushes a hand through his hair.

“M’just s’fuckin’ pissed. This wouldn’a happened f’I was ‘round the manor n’hadn’t gone no where. ...I’ll try not t’head out as much, alright? This gotta be my fault. Someone must’a realized all my comin’ n’goin’ and figured out, or somethin....”

He’s rambling. Terry’s trying to control himself, but if the jumping of his knee is any indication, he can’t. He’s so angry, and there’s no direction for it--only himself. He has to do something. Maybe--

“I gotta go. I’ll...I’ll be back when y’get released n’whatever...”

“Terry. It’s not your fault.”

“The fuck ya mean I can’t--”

He swallows the words because he knows the answer to the question he’s about to ask. He’s twenty years old. Four years after he took up the mantle as Batman, six years since he met Bruce Wayne and made the manor his playground. He’s not angry about the revelation, quite the opposite. He doesn’t really care. Bruce hadn’t done this, it was someone else, and Terry wants to know why.

He noticed a long time ago that the deaths of his parents lined up too perfectly with the deaths of Wayne’s. It never seemed relevant then, but now, knowing what he does--that Bruce Wayne is his biological father--it’s too much of a coincidence. He needs to know why, but he knows even before he does anything that this may not turn out well. Everything inside him is screaming for retribution, for revenge, for something ugly and vicious and cruel. Terry wants to find out who ruined his life and ruin theres.

“If ya know who did it--If you fucking know, Bruce, you have to tell me.”

“No.”

“Whoever it was killed my fuckin’ parents, Bruce. They ruined my life. I thought you’d understand that.”

“I do. But until I’m sure you aren’t going to do something you will regret, I won’t tell you anything.”

Terry grit his teeth, shut his eyes and sucked in a breath that felt like fire in his lungs.

“Go t’hell.”

#incoming comm;#ehhh #this didnt come out as i wanted it but well #b-atmans

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computerguideworld-blog · 5 years

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I fall asleep on my computer: six people on their relationship with the web

New Post has been published on https://computerguideto.com/must-see/i-fall-asleep-on-my-computer-six-people-on-their-relationship-with-the-web/

I fall asleep on my computer: six people on their relationship with the web

As a study shows many people feel unable to switch off from the internet, we ask our readers how much time a week they spend online

Do you spend too much time online? Its a question that may unearth some uncomfortable truths, and if you are worried about how much you use Facebook/Google et al, youre not alone.

The annual communications market report from media and telecoms regulator Ofcom looks at how people cope with spending so much time connected, and this year it found that more than a third of UK internet users are taking digital detox breaks from the web. It found an increasing amount of time we spend online is leading to lost sleep and less time spent with friends and family.

Six people talk about their relationship with the web, and whether they have the balance right. Share your thoughts below the line.

Cary, 61: My friendships have fallen apart and I am gaining weight by being in all the time

Time spent online: 10 to 12 hours a day

At first I used the internet just for responding to emails. Then for reading news online, shopping and chats. Forums were a totally new experience for me I remember finding it amazing that you could talk to someone through a computer. I have tried various discussion forums, even met with few people out of curiosity. I thought the web was so great because of such vast opportunities for meeting people from beyond my immediate circle, of learning from each other, and doing stuff together.

But that hasnt really happened. My friendships have fallen apart and I am gaining weight by being in all the time. The internet affects my ability to sleep too. My day is turned upside down I go to bed very late because I often get carried away reading something. Time flies when I am doing that! I imposed a regime on myself to do things at home but I drag my feet when it comes to going out.

Whatever I need is now on the web: I can do online banking, shop online and find recipes there too. Information is much easier to get, but I do miss that personal contact with people.

Jenny, 27, Kent: I use the internet at work and go straight online when I get home

Time spent online: 10 hours a day I grew up with the internet I remember the whirling beep-boop of dial-up. I use the internet at work, and go straight online when I get home. Im always logging into apps to play games or check my Facebook messages. I have mostly used the internet to stay connected, though, with friends from across the world. In my teens I used MSN to talk to people these days I go on Facebook and join online chats. Having said this, I can happily spend hours away from the net playing with friends, but the habit of checking for updates online is always there.

The internet has always been a way to stay connected for me. I have made amazing friends in the US and elsewhere. It has helped me feel connected, and talk to people about a variety of topics. Seeing a US perspective of the current elections online, for example, has been refreshing.

I dont feel like there are any drawbacks to the internet. I can go without it, but I dont ever feel the need to switch off. I often go camping and never think of my phone because Im with the friends. I suppose you might need some sort of balance but I dont feel like it negatively affects my life at all.

In the early 2000s, MSN was widely used for chatting online, via messages or webcams. Photograph: Alamy

Mel, 24, London: The internet has made my anxiety worse

Time spent online: one to five hours a day

Some days I trawl through the internet looking for inspiration or to help with my work, but over the long summer months this happens less. I started my BA just last year and a lot of my friends have already graduated, have exciting jobs and are generally having more fun (or so Instagram tells me).

Although I feel Im right where Im supposed to be, seeing their carefully curated lives as they appear on social media exacerbates my anxiety. The web is also very addictive. Ive now deleted social media apps and use the sites on my browser for a fraction of the time I used to, but I often feel rubbish after using them.

Ive battled with mental health issues for a long time. Even though at times of deep depression I actually found sites like Reddit strangely helpful, overall I think the internet has definitely made my anxiety worse.

Reddit was particularly helpful after coming out theres a huge queer community on Reddit and the kind of stories and advice there is really helpful.

But even though its made it easier to connect with others, the internet can also turn feelings my of unsettlement into a full-blown meltdown (whether its a post making me think a friend is avoiding me or Ive Googled my symptoms and think Im dying).

Having said that my partner and I wouldnt have met if it wasnt for the ultimate nerve-racking experience of online dating. I guess being shy and anxious and having no clue how to navigate life as a queer woman, it has allowed me to meet new people that I wouldnt have approached in real life.

Ive had to put a ban on phones when my partner and I spend quality time together because although Ive made an effort to use mine a lot less, she will be fiddling around online. I avoid looking at her Instagram and Facebook feeds sometimes. I get Fomo [fear of missing out] and read too much into things, I guess.

Mike, 67, Brittany: The internet lets us keep in touch with family and friends

Time spent online: two to five hours a day

Its made our relocation to France much easier and smoother. The internet lets us keep in touch with family and friends, even while theyre travelling and/or very busy. It also allows us to keep better informed and pursue personal interests and research.

Its a massive help in solving practical quotidian problems (DIY, health, transport, holidays etc). Im more positive about the net and spend more time online than my partner, but it rarely causes tension. We still talk to each other as much as we always did.

Im more positive about the net, and spend more time online than my partner, but it rarely causes tension. Photograph: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

I dont think it affects my ability to get jobs done either; if anything researching online helps me tackle jobs I might have been daunted by in the past.

JP, 65, Bristol: I am online during my first cup of coffee, breakfast, lunch and dinner

Time spent online: eight to 10 hours a day

Before the arrival of internet I used to spend a lot of hours a week researching in the library, reading the news and also writing letters to friends and family so it was easy for me to migrate online. Actually, the internet made everything I enjoy much easier to do. I do, however, consider myself dependent on it, as I am online during my first cup of coffee, breakfast, lunch and dinner (except when I go out to see friends). I usually fall asleep on my computer.

I doubt that it has benefited my life, as all the hours spent online could have been better spent outdoors. The web does, however, satisfy lots of my curiosities, and I can read an endless number of articles from around the world.

Dining al desko: do you eat your lunch by your computer? Photograph: Alamy

It would be hard to see the world without the internet, but I do think we all waste far too much time online. If the internet didnt exist, I would have spent the same amount of time reading, so I dont believe it really affects my relationships. Sometimes it can be a huge distraction, however. I often think, just 15 more minutes, 10 more minutes, and so on, as the hours go by.

Matthew, 30, Northamptonshire: I deleted my Facebook a few years ago and life has been better since

Time spent online: 12 hours a day

I have to use the internet as part of my job in IT support and obviously the web contributes to me earning a decent living so I cant be too negative about it.

Being online all day can get a little tiring at times, however, and about six years ago I deleted my Facebook and my life has been better without it. I have tried Twitter and Instagram too but have since deleted the accounts because I dont feel I need the gratification of a like or a retweet in my life. Sometimes I feel like Im missing out but then again some of the things online are really not beneficial to me or worth keeping up with.

From an educational perspective the internet has allowed me to expand my knowledge across a broad range of subjects. At the end of the day we all have a choice about what we consume online and its all about being sensible.

Due to my thirst for knowledge the internet sometimes does affect my sleep: I have been known to be on my phone until the early hours reading Wikipedia or watching YouTube videos. It could be worse I guess, I could be on Facebook trying to promote my perfect existence like the rest of them.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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sarahburness · 6 years

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Why I No Longer Believe There’s Something Wrong with Me

“Our thoughts create our beliefs, meaning if you think about yourself a certain way for a long enough period of time you will ultimately believe it.” ~Anonymous

You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re a loser.

Imagine thinking this way about yourself every day. No exaggeration. That was me.

When a girl didn’t want to go on a second date with me, I told myself I was ugly. When I didn’t know what someone was talking about, I told myself I was stupid. When my Instagram post only received two likes, I told myself I was loser.

I spoon-fed myself toxic thoughts like these on a daily basis for years. And what’s worse is I believed them.

But why? Where do these toxic thoughts and beliefs even come from? Well, for most of us they come from our childhoods, and they are largely based on experiences with our caregivers.

My belief system (which fuels those not-so-nice thoughts listed above) was formed by the tragic death of my mother when I was three-and-a-half years old and by my rageaholic cocaine-addict father. I internalized Mom’s death and Dad’s crazy behavior (trust me, it was bad) the only way I knew how to: I thought I was the problem.

You see, my dad never sat me down and apologized for bursting into my room in the middle of the night high on cocaine and torturing me. He never apologized for not allowing me to celebrate my birthdays. He never apologized for making me get in front of my soccer team and tell them that I was a bad boy and couldn’t play in that week’s game.

Since he never apologized to me, my growing little mind took it personally and figured I must be the problem. I thought I deserved to be punished and as such, a negative thought pattern was born.

Like a kid at school writing on a chalkboard because he did something wrong, my thoughts wrote in my mind over and over again: I did something wrong. I did something wrong.

This consistent negative self-talk eventually turned into a core belief: I am wrong. I am wrong.

Imagine growing up believing that your very existence is wrong. That was me. I was hard-wired by my parents to believe this. It was like being sentenced for a crime that I didn’t commit.

As an adult I actively looked for validation in other people as a result of this belief. I became a people-pleaser, a yes man, a guy that would do anything for you to like me. Please like me, please tell me I’m okay.

If you liked me, I felt less broken, but one person liking me was never enough. If I was in a room with 100 people and all of them but one liked me I would worry and fret, wondering what I had done to upset that one person.

I also thought I had to be perfect in every area of my life. My hair had to be perfect. My clothes had to be perfect.

I had to say the right things. Do the right things. Be the right thing.

I also used each failed attempt for your validation as proof that I was broken. See!

I would go to bed at night saying I was done with that kind behavior, yet I would wake up in the morning and start it all over again. It was like the movie Groundhog Day. I was living the same day over and over again, and I couldn’t stop.

I hit what I’ll call my rock bottom eight years ago when I was thirty-seven-years old. I hated myself and the life I had created and desperately wanted change.

But how? How do we let go of deeply rooted false beliefs that no longer serve us? The same way we formed them.

You begin by detaching from the individual thoughts that reinforce the negative belief, then you let go of the belief all together. I’ve heard them called illusions, false beliefs, and even lies. It took time for me to believe these lies and it took time for me to undo them.

Henry David Thoreau said, “As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”

In order to let go of false beliefs, we have to practice observing our thoughts and recognize when we are acting on old stories about our worth. By repeatedly choosing not to get caught up in the old stories, we can begin to experience the world in a new way.

You don't go to the gym once and suddenly you're in the best shape of your life. No, you go five to six times a week, eat healthy, and get plenty of rest. And you do this over and over again.

The same goes for our minds. The more we work toward mindfulness and self-kindness, the quicker we will default to it. When you catch yourself having a negative thought, recognize that you don't have to get attached to it and choose to let it pass. If you're having trouble letting it go, tell yourself a new, more empowering story.

And above all else, just remember, it had nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. You are not flawed.

I didn’t commit a crime. I just absorbed the information given to me the only way my eight-year-old mind knew how to.

So where do we start? It’s different for all of us, but if you’re reading this and relating to any of it then that in it of itself is a start. That’s the beginning of self-awareness.

For me it was all about becoming self-aware. That was my first step toward personal change.

I knew I couldn’t do things on my own (been there, tried that), so I started with a twelve-step program. Liberation would never be possible if I kept reaching for validation from other people, so I took a deep breath and courageously stepped into my first meeting and admitted that I had a problem.

It was there that I opened up and allowed myself to be seen for who I was: a wounded man who sometimes still felt like a scared little boy. Eventually, little by little, I shared my childhood secrets and I was loved for doing so. It was an eye opening experience, which immediately changed my thought process to: I did nothing wrong.

For the last eight years I’ve been letting go of false thoughts and beliefs, which in turn has created new possibilities for how I think and feel in relationships. I hope you can do the same.

About Zachary Goodson

Zachary Goodson is inspired by intentional living. His writing focuses on his experiences around holistic health, inner child work, addiction, recovery and spirituality. He is currently writing his first book. You can connect with him more at zacharygoodson.com

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/no-longer-believe-theres-something-wrong-with-me/

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

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The secret of savor: why we like which is something we like | Tom Vanderbilt

The Long Read: How does a anthem we detest at first discovering become a favourite? And when we try to look different, how come we end up looks a lot like everybody else?

If you had asked me, when I was 10, to forecast my life as an adult, I would probably have sketched out something like this: I would be driving a Trans Am, a Corvette, or some other muscle vehicle. My residence would boast a mammoth collecting of pinball machines. I would sip sophisticated alcohols( like Baileys Irish Cream ), read Robert Ludlum romances, and blast Van Halen while sitting in an easy chair wearing sunglasses. Now that I am at a point to actually be able to realise every one of these feverishly foreseen flavors, they view zero interest( well, perhaps the pinball machines in a weak minute ).

It was not just that my 10 -year-old self could not predict whom I would become but that I was incapable of suspecting that my flavors could experience such wholesale change. How could I know what I would want if I did not know who I would be?

One problem is that we do not apprehend the effect of experiencing situations. We may instinctively realise the authorities concerned will tire of our favourite meat if we gobble too much of it, but we might underestimate how much more we are to be able like something if only we consume it more often. Another issue is psychological salience, or the things we pay attention to. In the moment we buy a consumer good that offers cashback, the offer is claiming our courtesy; it is likely to be have influenced the buy. By the time we get home, the salience fades; the cashback croaks unclaimed. When I was 10, what mattered in a car to me was that it be cool and fast. What did not matter to me were monthly pays, side-impact crash shield, being able to fit a stroller in the back, and wanting to avoid the impression of is available on a midlife crisis.

Even when we look back and be seen to what extent much our flavors have changed, the idea that we will change evenly in the future seem to be mystify us. It is what remains tattoo removal practitioners in business. The psychologist Timothy Wilson and colleagues have identified the illusion that for numerous, the current is a watershed instant at which they have finally become the person or persons they will be for the rest of their lives.

In one venture, they found that people were willing to pay more money to check their favourite strap play-act 10 times from now than they were willing to pay to see their favourite banding from 10 years ago play now. It is reminiscent of the moment, looking through an old-time photo album, when you visualize an earlier picture of yourself and declare, Oh my God, that “hairs-breadth”! Or Those corduroys! Just as photographs of ourselves can appear jarring since we are do not ordinarily read ourselves as others encounter us, our previous appreciations, viewed to areas outside, from the perspective of what looks good now, come as a surprise. Your hairstyle per se was possibly not good or bad, simply a reflection of contemporary penchant. We say, with condescension, I cant believe parties actually dressed like that, without realising we ourselves are currently wearing what will be considered bad flavor in the future.

One of the reasons we cannot predict our future preferences is one of the things that stirs those very preferences change: novelty. In the social sciences of experience and likings , novelty is a rather elusive phenomenon. On the one side, we crave originality, which defines a arena such as manner( a battlefield of ugliness so perfectly unbearable, quipped Oscar Wilde, that we have to alter it every a period of six months ). As Ronald Frasch, the dapper president of Saks Fifth Avenue, once told me, on the status of women designer storey of the flagship store: The first thing “the consumers ” asks when they come into the accumulation is, Whats brand-new? They dont want to know what was; they want to know what is. How strong is this impulse? We will sell 60% of what were going to sell the firstly four weeks the very best are on the floor.

But we too adore intimacy. There are many who believe we like what we are used to. And yet if this were exclusively true , good-for-nothing “wouldve been” change. There would be no new prowes forms , no new musical genres , no new makes. The economist Joseph Schumpeter was contended that capitalisms character was in educating people to want( and buy) new situations. Makes drive economic change, he wrote, and buyers are taught to want brand-new happenings, or circumstances which differ in some respect or other from those which they have been in the habit of using.

A lot of days, people dont know what they crave until you demo it to them, as Steve Jobs gave it. And even then, they still might not miss it. Apples ill-fated Newton PDA device, as charming as it now examines in this era of smartphone as human prosthesis, was arguably more new at the time of its release, foreseeing the requirements and actions that were not yet amply realised. As Wired described it, it was a entirely new category of invention passing an entirely new building housed in a pattern part that represented a completely new and daring design language.

So , novelty or acquaintance? As is often the instance, the answer lies somewhere in between, on the midway spot of some optimal U-shaped curve storying the new and the known. The noted industrial designer Raymond Loewy sensed this optimum in what he worded the MAYA stage, for most advanced, yet acceptable. This was the moment in a product design repetition when, Loewy quarrelled, defiance to the unfamiliar contacts the threshold of a shock-zone and fighting to buying changes in. We like the new as long as it reminds us in some way of the old.

Anticipating how much our flavors will change is hard-boiled because we cannot find past our intrinsic resist to the unfamiliar. Or how much we will change when we do and how each change will open the door to another change. We forget just how fleeting even the most jarring novelty is also possible. When you had your firstly swallow of beer( or whisky ), you probably did not slap your knee and exclaim, Where has this been all my life? It was, Beings like this?

We come to like beer, but it is arguably incorrect to bawl brew an acquired feeling, as the philosopher Daniel Dennett indicates, because it is not that first taste that people are coming to like. If beer gone on savor to me the room the first sip tasted, he writes, I would never have gone on drinking brew. Place of the problem is that booze is a scandalize to the system: it savours like nothing that has come before, or at least good-for-nothing delightful. New music or prowes can have the same effects. In a New Yorker profile, the music farmer Rick Rubin recounted that when he firstly sounded Pretty Hate Machine, the album by Nine Inch Nails, he did not care for it. But it soon became his favourite. Faced with something discordantly novel, we dont ever have the reference points to absorb and digest it, Rubin alleged. Its a bit like memorizing a new expression. The album, like the brew, was not an acquired savour, because he was not hearing the same album.

Looking back, we can find it hard to believe we did not like something we are today do. Current popularity gets projected backwards: we forget that a now ubiquitous hymn such as the Romantics What I Like About You was never a make or that recently in vogue antique babe identifies such as Isabella or Chloe, which seem to speak to some once-flourishing habit, were never popular.

It now seems impossible to imagine, a few decades ago, the gossip provoked by the now widely cherished Sydney Opera House. The Danish inventor, Jrn Utzon, was essentially driven from the country, his mention extended unuttered at the ceremony, the sense of national gossip was palpable towards this harbourside monstrosity. Not exclusively did the building not fit the traditional anatomy of an opera house; it did not fit the conventional word of private buildings. It was as foreign as its architect.

The truth is, most people perhaps did not know what to shape of it, and our default setting, faced with an insecure unknown, is detesting. Frank Gehry, talking about his iconic, widely admired Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao, admitted that it took a couple of years for me to start to like it, actually. The inventor Mark Wigley suggests that maybe we only ever learn something when some structure we think of as foreign causes us and we withstand. But sometimes, many times, in the middle of the fighting, we end up loving this thing that has elicited us.

Fluency begets liking. When shown personas of buildings, designers have rated them as least complex than laypersons did; in other words, they read them more fluently, and the buildings seem less foreign. The role of the inventor, shows Wigley, is not to give the client exactly what he was asking for in other words, to cater to current taste but to change the notion of what one can ask for, or to project future delicacies no one knew they had. No one supposed an opera house could look like the Sydney Opera House until Utzon, taking his idea from a peeled orange, said it could. The nature changed around the building, in response to it, which is why, in the strange messages of one architecture commentator, Utzons breathtaking build appears better today than ever.

A few decades from now, person will inevitably look with dread upon a new house and answer, The Sydney Opera House , now theres a build. Why cant we construct acts like that any more?

This argument for example, Why isnt music as good as it used to be? manifests an historic collection bias, one colourfully described by the designer Frank Chimero. Make me let you in on a little secret, he writes. If you are hearing about something age-old, it is almost certainly good. Why? Because nobody wants to talk about shitty old-time stuff, but lots of parties still talking here shitty brand-new material, because they are still trying to figure out if it is shitty or not. The past wasnt better, we just forgot about all the shitty shit.

The only guarantee we have of savour is the fact that it will change.

In a 2011 sketch on the substantiate Portlandia , the obsessive sardonic catalogue of the hipster mores of the Oregon city, an exaggeratedly posturing persona known as Spyke with chin whisker, lobe-stretching saucer earrings, and a fixed-gear bike is evidence treading past a prohibit. He pictures some people inside, equally adorned with the trappings of a certain kind of cool, and establishes an supporting nod. A few days later, he agent a clean-shaven guy wearing khakis and a dress shirt at the bar. Aw, cmon! he hollers. Guy like that is hanging out here? That barroom is so over ! It exclusively gets worse: he ensure his straight-man nemesis astride a fixed-gear bicycle, partaking in shell artistry, and wearing a kuki-chins beard all of which, he churlishly warns, is over. A year later, we check Spyke, freshly shorn of whisker, wearing business casual, and having a banal gossip, roosted in the very same barroom that produced off the whole cycles/second. The nemesis? He procrastinates outside, scornfully swearing the bar to be over.

The sketch wonderfully encapsulates the notion of savour as a kind of ceaseless action machine. This machine is driven in part by the oscillations of originality and knowledge, of hunger and satiation, that strange internal calculus that effects us to tire of food, music, the colouring orange. But it also represents driven in part by the subtle the two movements of parties trying to be like one another and beings trying to be different from each other. There is a second-guessing various kinds of skirmish here , not unknown to strategists of cold warera game theory( in which players are rarely behaving on perfect information ). Or, indeed, to readers familiar with Dr Seusss Sneetches, the mythical star-adorned mortals who abruptly trench their decorations when they detect their challenger plain-bellied counterparts have idols upon thars.

That taste might move in the kind of never-ending repetition that Portlandia hypothesised is not so far-fetched. A French mathematician named Jonathan Touboul identified a phenomenon of searching alike trying to look different, or what he called the hipster influence. Unlike cooperative systems, in which everyone might concur in a coordinated fashion on what decisions to build, the hipster result follows, he hints, where individuals try to make decisions in opposition to the majority.

Because no one knows exactly what other people are going to do next, and information is also possible noisy or retarded, there can also be the times of brief synchronisation, in which non-conformists are inadvertently aligned with the majority. Spyke, in reality, might have had to see several people doing shell art maybe it even suddenly appeared at a store in the mall before soon jam-pack it in. And because there are varying degrees of hipness, person or persons may choose to wade into current trends later than another, that person is followed by another, and so on, until, like an astronomical adventurer chasing a dead whiz, there is nothing actually there any more. The quest for distinctiveness are also welcome to generate conformity.

The Portlandia sketch actually goes well beyond appreciation and illuminates two central, if seemingly contradictory, strands of human behaviour. The first is that we want to be like other parties. The social being, in the degree that he is social, is virtually imitative, wrote the French sociologist Gabriel Tarde, in his 1890 notebook The Laws of Imitation. Imitating others, what is known as social learn, is an evolutionary adaptive strategy; that is, it helps you exist, even prosper. While it is considered to be in other species, there are no better social learners than humen , none that take that knowledge and continue to build upon it, through consecutive generations.

The sum of this social learning culture is what draws humans so unique, and so uniquely successful. As the anthropologist Joseph Henrich documents, humans have foraged in the Arctic, reaped cultivates in the tropics, and lived pastorally in deserts. This is not because we were “ve been meaning to”, but because we learned to.

In their journal Not by Genes Alone, the anthropologists Robert Boyd and Peter Richerson use the sample of a bitter flower that turns out to have medicinal value. Our sensory structure would understand the fierce as potentially harmful and thus inedible. Instinctively, “theres no reason” we should want to eat it. But someone eats it regardless and experiences some curiously beneficial make. Someone else assures this and imparts it a try. We take our medicine in spite of its bitter experience, they write , not because our sensory psychology has progressed to make it less bitter, but because the idea that it has therapeutical quality has spread through the population.

People imitate, and cultural activities becomes adaptive, they insist, because learning from others is more efficient than trying everything out on your own through costly and time-consuming trial and error. The same is as true for people now speaking Netflix or TripAdvisor evaluates as it was for primitive foragers trying to figure out which nutrients were poison or where to find irrigate. When there are too many alternatives, or the answer does not seem obvious, it seems better to go with the flow; after all, you are able to miss out on something good.

But if social reading is so easy and effective, it creates the question of why anyone does anything different to begin with. Or indeed why someone might vacate innovative activities. It is an issue asked of evolution itself: why is there so much substance for natural selection to sieve through? The master or innovator who was attacked in his daytime seems like some kind of genetic altruist, sacrificing his own immediate fitness for some future payoff at high levels of the group.

Boyd and Richerson hint there is an optimal balance between social and individual learning in any group. Too many social learners, and the ability to innovate is lost: people know how to catch that one fish since they are learned it, but what happens when that fish dies out? Too few social learners, and beings might be so busy trying to learn situations on their own that national societies does not thrive; while people were busily fabricating their own better bow and arrow, person forgot to actually get food.

Perhaps some ingrained sense of the evolutionary utility of this differentiation is one reason why humans are so snapped between wanting to belong to a group and wanting to be distinct mortals. Parties want to feel that their feelings are not unique, hitherto they experience anxiety when told they are exactly like another person. Think of the giddy anxiety you feel when a co-worker is demonstrated by wearing a similar clothe. We try some happy medium, like the Miss America player in Woody Allens Bananas who responds to a reporters interrogate, Differences of mind should be tolerated, but not when theyre extremely different.

If all we did was conform, there would be no delicacy; nor would there be penchant if no one conformed. We try to select the right-sized group or, that the working group is too large, we elect a subgroup. Be not just a Democrat but a centrist Democrat. Do not just like the Beatles; be a fan of Johns.

Illustration by Aart-Jan Venema

When discriminating yourself from the mainstream is becoming too wearying, you can always ape some version of the mainstream. This was the premise behind the normcore anti-fashion tendency, in which formerly forcefully fashionable beings were said to be downshifting, out of sheer tirednes, into humdrum New Balance sneakers and unremarkable denim. Normcore was more conceptual skill activity than business case study, but one whose premise the most different stuff to do is to reject being different altogether, moved the manifesto seemed so probable it was practically wish fulfilled into existence by a media that feasts upon novelty. As new as normcore seemed, Georg Simmel spoke about it a century ago: If obedience to fashion consists in impersonation of an example, conscious inattention of pattern represents same mimicry, but under an inverse sign.

And so back to Spyke. When he felt his drive for peculiarity( which he shared with others who were like him) threatened by someone to areas outside the group, he moved on. But all the things he experienced were threatened the chin beard, the shell arts and that he was willing to walk away from, were no longer practical. We signal our identity simply in certain regions: Spyke is not likely to change his label of toilet paper or toothbrush merely because he hears it is shared by his nemesis. When everyone listened to records on vinyl, the latter are a commodity material that allowed one be interested to hear music; it was not until they were nearly driven to extinction as a technology that they became a mode to signal ones identity and as I write, there are stimulates of a cassette revival.

In a revealing experimentation carried out within Stanford University, Berger and Heath sold Lance Armstrong Foundation Livestrong wristbands( at a time when they were becoming increasingly popular) in a target dormitory. The next week, they sold them in a dorm knows we being somewhat geeky. A week afterwards, the number of target dorm circle wearers dropped by 32%. It was not that people from the specific objectives dorm detested the geeks or so they said it was that they thought they were not like them. And so the yellow segment of rubber, tattered for a good stimulate, became a means of signalling identity, or savour. The only path the target group could avoid being symbolically linked with the geeks was to abandon the feeling and move on to something else. As much a sought for novelty, brand-new experiences can be a conscious rejection of what has come before and a distancing from those now enjoying that penchant. I liked that stripe before they got big-hearted, becomes the common refrain.

What our flavours say about us is primarily that we want to be like other people whom we like and who have those appreciations up to a extent and unlike others who have other savors. This is where the idea of simply socially reading what everyone else is do, get complicated. Sometimes we read what others are doing and then stop doing that act ourselves.

Then there is the question of whether we are conscious of picking up a practice from someone else. When someone knows he is being influenced by another and that other person to know each other very, the hell is exhortation; when someone is unaware he is being influenced, and the influencer is unaware of his influence, that is contagion. In delicacy, we are rarely presumed to be picking up happenings haphazardly. Through prestige bias, for example, we learn from people who are regarded socially substantial. The classic rationale in sociology was always trickle-down: upper-class people hugged some preference, beings lower down followed, then upper-class people scorned the taste and cuddled some brand-new taste.

Tastes can change when people aspire to be different from other parties; they can change when we are trying to be like other people. Groups transmit experiences to other groups, but savor themselves can help create groups. Small, apparently insignificant differences what kind of coffee one boozes become real spots of culture bicker. Witness the varieties of mark now available in things that were once preferably homogeneous merchandises, like coffee and blue jeans; who had even heard of single ancestry or selvage a few decades ago?

There is an virtually incongruous cycles/second: private individuals, such as Spyke in Portland, wants to be different. But in wanting to express that difference, he seeks out other persons who share those changes. He conforms to the group, but the conformings of these working groups, in being alike, increase their gumption of change from other groups, just as the Livestrong bracelet wearers took them off when they accompanied other groups wearing them. The be adopted by delicacies is driven in part by this social jockeying. But this is no longer the whole picture.

In a famed 2006 venture , an organization of people were given the chance to download anthems for free from an internet site after they had listened to and ranked the hymns. When the participants could see what previous downloaders had chosen, they were more likely to follow that behaviour so popular songs became more popular, less popular songs became less so.

When parties established selects on their own, the choices were more predictable; beings were more likely to simply pick the sungs they said were best. Knowing what other listeners did was not enough to completely reorder publics musical penchant. As the scientist Duncan Watts and his co-author Matthew Salganik wrote: The best carols never do very badly, and the most difficult anthems never do extremely well. But when others alternatives are evident, there was greater risk for the less good to do better, and vice versa. The pop chart, like delicacy itself, does not operate in a vacuum.

The route to the top of the charts has in theory get more democratic, less top-down, more unpredictable: it took a viral video to assistants induce Pharrells Happy a pop a year after its liberate. But the hierarchy of popularity at the top, formerly launched, is steeper than ever. In 2013, it was estimated that the top 1% of music acts took residence 77% of all music income.

While record firms still try to engineer notoriety, Chris Molanphy, a music critic and obsessive analyst of the pa maps, disagrees it is the general public fouling one another who now decide if something is a reach. The viral wizard Gangnam Style, he notes, was virtually coerced on to radio. Nobody operated that into being; that was clearly the general public being charmed by this goofy video and telling one another, Youve got to watch this video.

Todays ever-sharper, real-time data about people actual listening action strongly fortifies the feedback loop-the-loop. We always knew that people liked the familiar, Molanphy responds. Now we know exactly when they flip the depot and, wow, if they dont already know a lyric, they truly throw the station. For the industry, there is an almost hopeless is making an effort to alter, as fast as possible, the brand-new into the familiar.

Simply to live in a large city is to dwell among a maelstrom of options: there are seemed like it was gonna be by numerous guilds of importance more choices of things to buy in New York than there are preserved species on countries around the world. R Alexander Bentley is an anthropologist at the University of Durham in the UK. As he applied it to me: By my recent count there were 3,500 different laptops on the market. How does anyone make a utility-maximising alternative among all those? The costs of reading which one is truly better is nearly beyond the individual; there may, in fact, actually be little that scatters them in terms of quality, so any one acquire over another might simply manifest random copying.

For the Spanish philosopher Jos Ortega y Gasset, columnist of the 1930 pamphlet The Revolt of the Masses, journalistic shipments from adventurers seems to thrust one into a vertiginous global gyre. What would he stimulate of the current situation, where a spurt of tweets comes even before the interrupting report proclamations, which then turn into wall-to-wall coverage, followed by a recall piece in the next days newspaper? He would have to factor in social media, one has a peripheral, real-time awareness of any number of people whereabouts, achievements, status updates, via any number of platforms.

Ortega announced this the increase of life. If media( large broadcasters creating audiences) helped define an era of mass society, social media( audiences establishing ever more gatherings) help define our age of mass individualism. The internet is exponential social discover: you have ever more ways to learn what other parties are doing; how many of the more than 13,000 reviews of the Bellagio hotel in Las Vegas do you need to read on TripAdvisor before making a decision? There are ever more ways to learn that what you are doing is not good enough or was already done last week by someone else, that what you like or even who you like is also liked by some random being you have never met. This is social learning by proxy.

People have always wanted to be around other people and to learn from them. Metropolis have long been dynamos of social alternative, foundries of art, music, and manner. Slang has always beginning in metropolitans an upshot of all those different, densely jam-packed people so often exposed to one another. Cities drive taste change because they furnish the greatest showing to other parties, who not amazingly are often the innovative parties metropolitans seem to attract.

With the internet, we have a kind of metropolitan of the sentiment, a medium that people do not just exhaust but inhabit, even if it often seem to be repeat and increase prevailing municipalities( New Yorkers, already physically exposed to so many other parties, use Twitter “the worlds largest” ). As Bentley has argued, Living and working online, people have perhaps never imitation each other so profusely( because it typically costs good-for-nothing ), so accurately, and so indiscriminately.

But how do we know what to copy and from whom? The age-old ways of knowing what we should like everything from radio station programmers to restaurant steers to volume critics to label themselves have been substituted by a mass of individuals, connected but apart, federated but disparate.

Whom to follow? What to prefer? Whom can you trust? In an infinite realm of selection, our options often seem to cluster towards those we can see others representing( but away from those we feel too many are preferring ). When there is too much social affect, people start to think more like one another. They take less information into account to make their decisions, yet are more confident that what they are thinking is the truth because more beings seem to think that way.

Social imitation has gone easier, faster, and most volatile; all those micro-motives of trying to be like others and hitherto different can intensify into explosive erupts of macro-behaviour. The big-hearted ripples have got bigger, and we know that they will come, but it is harder to tell from where, in the vast and random ocean face, they will swell.

This is an edited extract from You May Too Like, published on 30 June by Simon& Schuster( 12.99 ). To ordering a transcript for 10.39, going to see bookshop.theguardian.com or announce 0330 333 6846. Free UK p& p over 15, online guilds only.

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