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kinosternon · 2 years

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same person who asked abt ur opinion on the movie! i think you made good points; i again didnt actually watch it mostly bc idk how to access it so i cant really gauge the flow of it, for lack of a better word, but from the plot of it i felt like it was too many things pushed together. notably i feel like kinjou’s involvement was unecessary, i dont understand why theyd add another character to the ensemble in the movie closing off the series when we have SO many characters at play already.

i know albert and specifically haru and albert’s rivalry/rship drives a lot of the swimming plot but similarly to kinjou i dont think it was necessary to get into a whole other backstory and angst about another character to achieve the same themes message conclusion etc.

you’re right that expectations probably play a big role in how you receive the movie - personally i think more could have been done to actually tie off the major conflicts amongst characters, but i guess free! has always dealt with conflict through swimming so i cant actually complain. i do wish that we could have seen hiyori and ikuya’s rship (ie their conflicts and development) a little bit more bc thats one of the most unresolved plot points from past seasons imo.

anyway thank you for responding to my question! your insight was rlly interesting :)

These are very good points, honestly, and they reflect a lot of the more...unconventional storytelling decisions KyoAni made with Free! So I hope you're ready for another short essay about them :D

But I'd argue that the "let's add new characters instead of solving old problems" thing has been showing up from the beginning. Like, I agree it's weird! But they did it in season 2, with the addition of Sousuke, and again in s3 with Hiyori and Ikuya. (And as they're officially my favorite, I feel like I've somewhat lost the right to complain about it lmao)

And speaking more broadly...it's kind of like life, isn't it? Especially for young adults. The biggest problems are not easily solved (or even easily recognized), and new people keep coming into our lives, recontextualizing those old problems in new ways. That and the decision to build the story backwards as intensely as they did forwards were some pretty innovative-feeling storytelling choices, at least from my perspective.

As for adding Kinjou and Albert, and HiyoIku development: (more spoilery stuff below)

Kinjou's arc really didn't make sense till this finale, even though it was really started off in the Road to the World movie (which was mostly a Dive to the Future rehash) where he randomly threatens Hiyori at the end. The setup seems to have started from (roughly) there, so this direction had to have been planned from at least that far back. (..."Road to the World" indeed. Huh.) And by the end, his role felt absolutely essential to me given the direction Haruka's arc went in.

Basically, Kaede acts as a really direct foil for Haruka's arc in the final film.

Most importantly, he has secondhand (but intense) familiarity with the risks Haruka seems to be taking for granted, and it's his choices more than anyone's that lead to Haruka making it to and winning the final race STRIKEalive and relatively unharmed.

Moreover, his relationship with swimming is so interesting to compare to Haruka's. It's not that Kaede was always a talented swimmer! He actually got started pretty late, and for reasons that didn't have to do with the water at all! Instead, it's implied that he started swimming seeking a place to belong, because he couldn't find one outside of it. And when he lost the person he was closest to and was rejected by Hiyori others, he became even more dedicated to swimming, seemingly at least a little out of spite.

This isn't Haruka's relationship with swimming at all! And yet, a lot of the underlying factors keeping them focused are similar—they're just more explicit in Kaede's case. (More than once in the film, via flashback, Kiyofumi tells him things like "swimming will become something that accepts you," which between that and his extremely ND vibes as a kid? Implies to me that he faced a lot of rejection growing up.) And yet he still is more aware than anyone else of the very real risks Haruka is taking, when the people around him are intentionally letting them slide.

Because—this is important—who else was going to tell Haruka to stop literally risking his life, just to win against Albert? Ryuuji tries, but ultimately, can only do so much. Almost everyone else looks up to Haruka too much to tell him to stop, and know him just well enough to believe that he wouldn't listen if they tried.

The only real options, to me, would've been Sousuke, Hiyori, Rin, or Makoto:

Sousuke does actually try in the movie, but he just isn't close enough to Haruka to be able to make much impact.

Hiyori already went through all this with Ikuya once, more or less, and deserves a break. Actually, I kind of wonder whether on a creative level Kaede was introduced as closest to him because he didn't really turn out to be dickish enough to get this job done.

Rin could've been quite interesting! And he seems relatively well-positioned to do this, especially with his very visible concern for Haruka throughout the movie. But even though he's finally making real steps to repair some of the interpersonal issues he's had with Haruka from the beginning...he's still really inspired by him and wants him to compete. Plus there's the problem that everyone who knows Haruka well comes up against—knowing how deep his passion goes, and not wanting to fight him on it.

Makoto...see, this would have been another place where the movie could've happened very differently, I feel. What if Ryuuji had pushed Makoto, not Rin, to try to reach Haruka? What if Haruka's well-being had ended up depending directly on Makoto finally managing to drill it into Haruka's head that he cares about him himself—not as an abnormal person and not as a prodigy? But instead, by this point Makoto's so worried about hurting Haruka's chances or their relationship (possibly remembering their s2 argument that was never fully resolved??) that he's actually more willing than Rin (or at least agrees first) to let Haruka keep hurting himself in the name of his dream.

(Actually, one weird dark-horse option would be Albert himself? But the timing doesn't really work on that.)

But with Ryuuji's tragic backstory (of Kiyofumi) already added in and everything, Kaede was really uniquely positioned to do the job he does regarding Haruka.

And speaking of Albert: I'd actually agree that a lot of his stuff felt shoehorned in, but I get why they did it—it adds an "international" level to the rivalries that's pretty necessary, given that the world championships are the final setting. Then as far as backstory goes, Free! has always been about coming to understand people's situations/perspectives better to overcome conflict with them. Haruka's journey with Albert (or vice-versa) is about him coming not to hate Albert's swimming, and showing Albert's issues to the audience helps make him relatable as that happens.

I enjoy that they tried to make a character like Albert work (even though his English lines made me cringe a little bit, especially this time around). I just...don't think they quite got there.

Then there's Hiyori and Ikuya. So. I say this with absolute love for them and their dynamic, but like—drama was never going to be the main fix for HiyoIku, because they're both predisposed to being dramatic in a way that is frankly part of the problem. Instead, Hiyori's development seems to come from both settling into a healthier role supporting Ikuya, and also learning to lighten up a bit and think about people other than him. Kaede plays a surprisingly important role here, as do Kisumi and Ikuya's friends. Even littler moments like his exposure to the disaster (at least on the surface) that Rin and Haruka's interactions often are probably had an impact. Ikuya's development, OTOH, mostly comes in the form of getting to know Rin and realizing that he isn't the only person in Haruka's orbit, while also making friends in general after years of acting like a loner. (Sousuke is a particularly good influence on both Hiyori and Ikuya, I think.)

So overall, getting away from the drama of everything after basically being the center of the drama for Dive to the Future is probably a welcome reprieve where they're concerned. And we did get to see them have a very pleasant convo pre-Ikuya's final race that hints that they're much better adjusted than they were, so for me it was an exercise in faith that they've worked on their shit more behind the scenes.

#free! the final stroke second part #free! spoilers #haruka nanase #kaede kinjou #albert volandel #hiyori toono #ikuya kirishima #sousuke yamazaki #if you're wondering if I'm aware of the irony in my position on HiyoIku drama: the answer is yes.#I am and I'm having a good time anyways (lol)#meta rant #disclaimer that I am not an expert and am just having fun here #after watching the movies a bunch to figure out what was happening #in conclusion though: it WAS a lot and there are SO MANY BOYS #thanks for coming to my ted talk lol

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anotherhellchild · 3 years

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📁❤️ I really like your head canons and wanted to see if you had any about Bakugou’s home life

oh boy okay well, tbh im in camp 'mitsuki and masaru bakugou are assholes' so disclaimer right away: This is not a mitsuki/masaru friendly post.

also, i got most my inspiration/ideas from Sif, her hc's and fics are amazing.

This is gonna be very general probably and also pretty messy/ all over the place but if anyone wants me to elaborate or clarify then just lmk.

ALRIGHT SO, first and foremost, i think the bakugou’s r really neglectful. Theyve always worked very busy jobs together in the fashion industry and they go on lots of work trips and stuff. i think that from the moment they deemed it possible, mitsuki and masaru have been letting katsuki stay home alone for long periods of time. as katsuki kept getting older and more independent (which he had to be) I imagine theyd gradually start leaving for longer and longer.

also, i think that the communication in the house is TERRIBLE. like, often times mitsuki and masaru would just not inform katsuki of their whereabouts and katsuki wouldnt inform them of his either cause,, nobody ever asked/cared. So most of the time katsuki’d just find out his parents are gone whenever theyre literally not there and then its just like, ‘shit, nobody made dinner’. or smth.

and, obviously, the bad communication does not stop there. I feel like especially when he was younger, mitsuki would contradict herself on lots of things (as lots of parents do) like ”you are the child and i am the adult, therefore you must listen to me” but then she’s also like “You are not a child, stop acting like one and get your shit together”. Little katsuki would get so frustrated at this and so confused. I imagine that eventually he’d realize he can never be in the right with her, and thats when he starts resenting her a lot which builds up.

oh btw, I should mention; i dont think katsuki was planned at all. I dont think that mitsuku or masaru wanted to have a kid but then they did and it kinda threw their life around (obviously). mostly for mitsuki i think this effected her career quite heavily for a time and she’s blamed that on katsuki ever since. so she’s always resented him on a level.

But yeah, as i was saying, i think mitsuki and masaru r those types of people that were just never fit to be parents. they dont have the patience or care that u need for a child and it shows. I think masaru is the type to ignore and mitsuki is the type to get frustated too easily and lose her cool. So whenever katsuki was being ‘annoying’ or ‘bad’ he’d immediately be shut up or ignored. No time for explanations or reasoning.

Now, if we go back a step,, katsuki is a super independent kid. a consequence to this is that he’s had to teach himself a lot of things and sometimes those things just arent right. He doesnt know that though because he’s had to collect his knowledge from all over the place, which he thinks is normal. so then for example: maybe he’s fought with a kid at school and the bakugou’s are called. They’re both extremely mad at him but he doesnt understand why. If he gets hit, why would he not be allowed to hit too? Is that not how it works? WOuldn’t that be unfair?

but yeah, because he’s basically had to figure the world out himself, with mostly bad influences to look up to. he’s got a pretty messed up worldview.

Now, i ALSO think that despite mitsuki and masaru not really caring about katuski in general, they DO want to have that ‘we have a good kid’ status, yknow? like, they cant have katsuki embarrassing them or something. I think he’d be dragged along to a lot of places he never wanted to go (dinners, fashion shows, whatever) and forced to wear all fancy clothes and act all neat with no reward. consequences for ‘being a little bitch’ as his mom puts it, are not pretty.

he’s a smart and talented kid too though, and it seems, even to masaru and mitsuki, like he doesnt have to do much for it. which makes them think he’s lazy and stuff and thats not good. so they expect him to work for everything he does at 100% . again, consequences are not pretty.

generally as well, i think there are so many fights in the house. katuski speaks up whenever he disagrees with bullshit and even though he’s never won an argument, he’s always wanted to. so he’s not going to stop.

so yeah, basically theyre strict, neglectful and abusive. There are extreme’s they go to, and because katsuki is just the type to disobey shit he doesnt agree with, those are often used.

It’s been said by Sif before, but i really like the idea that todoroki and bakugou both had bad childhoods but in opposite directions. Thats probably the best way to describe it.

Actually, Ive had a fic in my head for a long time that would partly focus on katsuki’s entire childhood and kinda explain my thoughts on it

But anyway, this is getting ridiculously long and i probably have more i could say plus i can definitely go into more detail. as you can see though, my thoughts are a fucking mess. hopefully this made some sense. again, let me know if u wanna know more! :)

#tw: abuse #tw: neglect #this is a very fanon idea btw #pls dont take anything too srsly #bakugu katsuki #ALSO THANK YOU ANON :))#bakugou mitsuki #bakugu masaru #i coulda probably yeeted the 'katsuki gets kidnapped a lot' hc in there #honestly everybody should just check sifs stuff #her brain is too big #bakugou katsuki headcanons #bnha headcanons #im legitimately not sure if this even makes any sense #im sleepy so

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chikkou · 2 years

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how do you explain kris' actions at the end of chapter 2? seems pretty huge for someone that is supposedly just a quiet lonely kid

theres a few different explanations i can think of, but toby fox is all about fucking with players & subverting expectations, so there is every chance he has something completely different planned that no one will guess. that said, heres what im thinking:

- first, we dont know that kris was the one who slashed toriels tires. all we know is that kris, after removing the SOUL, crawls out the window and comes back; toriel specifically states that they sneak out quite frequently, so its not abnormal behavior for them and i think she would have recognized them if they were who she saw. we dont actually see them slash the tires, so we cant assume anything. remember how the ending of chapter 1 made it seem like kris was going to go chara mode (with the knife & slasher smile), only to have it turn out they were just plotting to steal the butterscotch pie?

- second, what we DO see kris do on their own is open the dark well - but so far the dark wells have been nothing more than fun little romps for kris. there is some danger, sure, but at the end of the day kris gets to be the hero and fall into a world of brightly-colored escapism, away from the stress of their daily life. they dont have to worry about asriel or dess.

its true that they were given that warning by ralsei at the end of chapter 2 about what would happen, but i would say its within reason that they may not fully understand whats at stake here, especially since susie also suggests bringing the dark world residents to the overworld despite hearing the same lecture; its not like kris is acting unilaterally. kris is solitary, has few friends, and misses their brother and dess dearly. why would they NOT want to keep having those fun adventures where theres a neat resolution, and theyre surrounded by friends?

- this one is more of a reach, but kris being the only human is notable in this case as it seems that having ANY humans around is abnormal; there is a book in the library about caring for humans that toriel has checked out many times, and kris is disgusted by it & wont look at its contents. its not impossible that kris may have been subjected to some sort of discrimination in the past for being a human, and that thats why toriel was fairly calm when she called undyne for help instead of freaking out

ultimately i think writing kris off as just evil slasher kid is both super boring and ignoring a great deal of evidence to the contrary in canon - hell, even CHARA had more going on than just that, as asriel makes it pretty clear that theyd had some horrible experiences with the humans, and its strongly implied that the only reason they fell into the underground in the first place was because they were trying to kill themselves (the same thing is implied with frisk too). so i think theres quite a bit more to go off of than just the very basic explanation you are suggesting

#anya's anons #long post #deltarune

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creacherkeeper · 3 years

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How is the cowboi doing? :) I’d love to hear about some of their recent adventures.

OH WELL IT'S ME + ALSO MY DICE HATE(/love) ME SO YOU KNOW THEYRE GETTING WHUMPED CONSTANTLY LMAO

there have certainly been some Events Unfolding so those are under the cut, casey since youre in our campaign now NO PEEKING

fair warning this is .... long ..... you have asked me to talk about my dnd character and you simply CANNOT stop the floodwaters now. enter at your own risk

okay so basically the first arc of the campaign kind of kicked off with them getting a vision from their goddess (the grain goddess/goddess of agriculture) saying that she was trapped in a fey gate and that they needed to come rescue her

so erley immediately Rallied The Posse and set off to do that. they NUMEROUS times tried to pray to her, commune with her, basically just get ANY sort of communication or guidance from her, but the dice like to tell their story so i literally never got above an 11 (paladin with only +2 to religion my beloved) and they never heard from her, which was making them. pretty nervous. when it seemed like everyone else was able to talk to their gods just fine

well we eventually figured out that there was a huge gathering of fey in the woods (me: this might be too big for us to fight. what if its like 30 fey? / my dm, glancing at his notes where he has 2000 fey written down: (: ) and basically the fey like. had captured and were trying to kill what was left of the pantheon so they could bring back gaia as the One True God

we found all this out because it turned out several members of the party had been lying about how much they knew of the fey and had personal connections to the fey they'd kept hidden. and erley, who is ALSO HIDING A LOT from the party like. immediately went on the offense and was just generally very unhappy about this

there had been this fey merchant who kept popping up wherever we were trying to sell us magic weapons that seemed tied to us specifically. erley was always VERY suspicious of her and did everything in their power to stop the others from buying her weapons (which we literally had to buy with -5 to a skill point, not money, v sus) to mixed results. but basically when we got to the fey gathering (we called it gaiapalooza) erley rolled a 1 on their survival check to get through the magic field and like. got teleported to her. and they really wanted information from her so they basically were like LEORA I DONT KNOW WHO TO TRUST I THINK MY PARTY HAS BEEN LYING TO ME, CAN YOU TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THEM CAN YOU SEE US WHEN YOURE NOT THERE? and basically pretended to need a therapy session in order to milk her for information lmao. she also seemed like. REALLY interested in erley and i was also very nervous about that

and i was RIGHT to be suspicious of her because we found out she WAS ACTUALLY THE BIG BAD and we had to fight her in the arc finale. and several of our party members had rl stuff and were not there, and in game our druid was away casting an 8 hour long spell to try and stop the palooza ceremony, so our party was SUPER nerfed and also as soon as erley realized it WAS actually leora who was behind all of it and she WAS trying to hurt them with those weapons (the weapons were tethers to the gods to be able to kill them basically), they got .... a little angry

and my party found out after irl a year of playing these characters that erley's first level is barbarian :))

so erley raged and did frankly a staggering amount of damage in this fight, and also only stayed up because of rage because they took a LOT of hits. but also. they dont rage FOR A REASON so it sort of took them over and when leora dropped, one of the other pcs ran over to stabilize her as she was making death saves and erley :) maybe :) drove a spear through her heart and killed her :)

and her body immediately just like. overgrew with plants and vines and flowers and basically wrapped the spear in a bed of plants and it was very cinematic and cool

(we have since found out that leora was like. actually an aspect of gaia so. that is. interesting)

of course then erley popped out of rage and was like FUCK this is why i dont do this, i went too far, it always goes too far, THIS is why im ashamed of this, and just got very emo boi about it. so they used their last spell slot to cast restoration on the space they had fought in and reached out to their goddess, having just saved her and the rest of the pantheon like she had asked them to

and i rolled a nat 1!!!

(the dm was like "you have committed this violent act, you feel so low and so bad and in need of guidance, and reach out to your goddess. and the absolute lack of a response just makes you feel empty inside" and i was like :) oh :) okay cool :) you love to see that with your paladins huh)

at this point the druid came back in and, instead of erley like. examining any of their own shit immediately lashed out at her and was like "why did you lie to me about the fey, why did you lie about why you were here, why ARE you here because i realize now it wasnt to help me"

and at that point ONE OF THE FEY QUEENS WALKED IN and the druid was like "... mother ..." and we were all :O

so it turns out the fey queen is her birth mom but had like? kidnapped one of the children of her firbolg tribe and was holding her hostage and the druid was on a quest to find her and bring her back

so erley :) felt :) even more bad about that :) and very shamedly pledged their help to her, and basically was like "as long as youre on this noble quest i will follow you if you'll have me"

so we're on our second arc now, which is traveling across the country to go meet the fey queen and get this kid back. as we were traveling my dm had me roll religion and a luck check and i got a 21 ON RELIGION FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER and a 6 luck. and he was like "you dont usually dream, but you have a nightmare. you know this nightmare was given to you, it was divinely inspired, but you dont know who sent it" and it was just erley killing leora over and over and over again. so they were like. well fuck

(my dm also messaged me privately and we talked and he was like. yeah you can get rid of your oath of devotion and change it to oath of the ancients, i am not telling you or erley why the subclass has changed and you also might get nerfed later. also level up barbarian for the next fight)

so erley was. feeling PRETTY DANG BAD and very guilty and stressed and all that. they did also realize their barbarian side was getting stronger which, considering their backstory is all tragic barbarian shit they were NOT happy about. i was fully prepared to have them be more ostracized from the party and go into full angst mode, but then the druid actually like. pulled them aside and explained why she had hidden information from them, and had a very sweet conversation with them and held their hand and it was VERY touching (she also had the baller line "you think your goddess can hear you and she's not answering. but maybe you're talking in a whisper and she needs to hear you scream")

we had another fight (we're level 7 and my dm told us after it was a cr 32 fight like. dude??? what the fuck?????) and once again erley didnt go down only because of rage

THEY ALSO UNINTENTIONALLY CAST MISTY STEP (which is an ancients spell they didnt have before) and were like WELL NO TIME TO UNPACK WHAT THAT WAS RIGHT NOW, HAVE TO NOT DIE

after the battle was over i asked to roll a check to figure out why i had access to that spell and got :) yeah you guessed it :) another nat 1 :) so erley has literally no idea how they cast that or what it could mean. we just had a new pc introduced who is a sorcerer so erley is definitely going to talk to her and see if she knows anything. because they are FULLY IN THE DARK about their subclass change or what that means in game

we're also (because of the fucking cr 32 fight) going to be leveling up again soon, and babey you KNOW im leveling barbarian. after rage kept me up and then rolling another nat 1 religion check, and also me the player not knowing whats up with their goddess/magic, i simply cant level paladin rn. so im BETWEEN A FEW SUBCLASS OPTIONS and ive been thinking them over but i think it really depends how the next few games go

my FULL ANGST option was to make them level into zealot barbarian like their awful dad, but i thought that made the least sense in universe rn

secondary angst option is to level into berserker, which i think fits pretty closely with how i've been roleplaying the rage so far. trading off an extra attack for a level of exhaustion fits pretty closely. also whump central

the NICE option is to have them be a totem warrior barbarian, and have both their paladin steed and their totem be a bull :) (they are a cowboi after all) i think thats the closest i can marry their two classes and potentially have some healthy growth for them, let them see that the rage doesnt HAVE to be a bad thing, that being a barbarian isnt something they HAVE to be ashamed of. reskinning the bear totem would give them resistance to all damage but psychic while raging, and im planning on taking the tough feat, so theyd pretty much be ... an unstoppable tank. plus i can still divine smite while in rage so theyd be VERY powerful

and now youre all caught up on my very special boi :))))) bet you didnt expect quite that much of an infodump but. listen. listen im simply obsessed with dnd i cannot help it. any chance to talk about my characters i WILL TAKE IN A HEARTBEAT (thank u for prompting my ramble lmao)

#ERLEY RYZER THE COWBOI MY BELOVED <333 #god this is literally SO long im sorry lmaooo #i have several friends not even in our party who are like 'will you PLEASE be nice to erley stop whumping them'#and im like #no <3

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heyjude19-writing · 3 years

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Im the list anon again and boy do I have more for you but this time I also have some questions as well if your time allows and you are willing to answer of course. First with the other things I loved:

1) the fact that Ron warmed up to Draco so quickly! I genuinely think thats so much in character. Ron is not a distrustful person and as a middle child as they come is very easygoing and would for sure make stupid jokes at Draco

2) The patronus. My god the Patronus. I seriously put the phone down and made a small slow clap during that chapter. At first I was like hmmmm *insert unsure kombucha girl face* because almost all fanfics have him with a dragon patronus and leave it at that (and lets be honest at this point my expectations of you were quite high dont blame me blame your bloody brilliant writing) but then, and I dont know if you did this on purpose or not (I have a feeling you did) but the fact that the dragon was the same (pale white) wounded but still feral dragon that Hermione FREEED (!) from a bank (£££) dungeon, malnourished and used for its nature, surrounded by darkness, wealth and misery!! And it was Hermione who broke its chains!!!!! Is just *chefs fucking kiss* slow clap*

3) the way you describe sex scenes are so natural! Ive never read a fanfic or book that doesnt make me gag a little bit (I am not a fan of smut at all but ill go with it because of a good story) until I read yours. Its so simple but yet intricate and you make the entire act so intriguing and normal and intimate. Bravo.

4) I LOVE SASHA. I love that Theo fell for her head over heels and the way you portrayd her reminded me of a friend of mine who works as a sous-chef in London so I always pictured her when reading it!

5) Dracos inner voice is ON POINT. Like I genuinely think you shoud own the rights to that character now.

6) Ill say it again. I love Ginny. You should also own the rights to her character too.

7) my interest for Quiddich (even when reading the books/wathcing the movies) was on par, if not lower than Hermiones. You managed to get me interested in that too so yes another slow clap to you

7.1) Also such a clever career for Draco!! Made si much sense!

Now to some questions

A) What was the deal with Malfoy referring to Ginny as Weasly and refusing to aknowledge her Potter surname. And why did everyone kept correcting him? It was hilarious granted but I wanted to know whether the reason you included this time and time again had to do wih something deeper? Or was this included as just a funny recurring joke?

B) Why did you choose for Draco to have a “fantasy” to produce a patronus and not for example for him to have had to do that after theyd exchanged “i love yous”. Very interesting angle and i liked that it was sort of a loophole to all the ‘death eaters cant have patronuses’ but quite curious on the thought process

C) Why did you opt for Draco to remove his mark? Do you think that stands as reward for him more or for Hermione? Very smart solution by the way

D) if you have the time- Could you please elaborate a tad more on what the soul-bonding means? Why was it so taboo? At furst hand it seems like a very romantic/amazing thing to do with your partner right?

Lastly- Do you ever itch to make a second part to this? And in the most acceptable case that you dont, I always wondered what you had in mind for them in the future- because of the soul bonding thing, you mentioned that the generational curses will be erased, which means I guess that the Malfoys can have more than one child now, and girls as well. (I cannot believe im asking for this as I am the one to avoid any pregnancy fanfics but) do you imagine them with children and if yes, how many? How do they integrate muggle devices(I know youd agree wit me that Hermione would definitively bring some muggle stuff over!) and which devices would Draco really secretly like?

Pleasewriteasecondpartwhereyouelaborateyourthoughtsonthisthankyou.

Ok rant done. :D

List anon! You’re back with another amazing ask. I’ll do my best!

1.) I like to think Ron matured a lot post-war (not enough to stop making terrible jokes, though.)

2.) Regarding your beautiful analysis of my specific dragon breed for Draco’s patronus: How many points would you like for your Hogwarts house of choice? I will add that according to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, the Ironbelly’s scales are normally a metallic grey. I will also add that I subscribe more to book canon than movie canon. In the book version of events of the Gringotts escape, Harry breaks the chains and Hermione (with eventual help once the boys catch on) destroys the ceiling so it can have a way out. The partially blind dragon does the rest of the work on its own.

3.) Thank you, that’s very flattering.

4.) Does your friend also get you into fancy restaurants and can they make salted caramel bread pudding???

5.) Thank you, it was one of my favorite aspects of writing this story.

6.) Thank you, she’s so fun to write and flesh out from her book portrayal.

7.) Haha, I felt so validated by that line of dialogue in Cursed Child when Draco tells Harry he wanted to play quidditch professionally, but wasn’t good enough.

Now to some answers:

A.) It’s definitely a recurring joke. It’s up to the reader to interpret Draco’s actions here: is he doing it to be a massive troll? Or is he genuinely not retaining the information of her married name because he considers this fact so unimportant that he does not bother to keep it in his brain? Troll, snob, or both, you can decide!

B.) I’ll address the second part of this first, because it was not intended as a loophole. I 1000% do not understand the “death eaters can’t have patronuses” thing. It makes absolutely no sense. Snape has a Patronus. But beyond that… Umbridge has a Patronus (a cat). If we’re letting that woman have a Patronus, then yeah, I think Draco can cast one. As for the vision that Draco used to conjure it… up to you whether that’s a fantasy or a glimpse of a certain ritual actually working. Draco’s thoughts on the matter: “An image of such striking tangibility that he might have already lived it, or perhaps experienced time in such a way that he lived it now.”

C.) I wanted Draco to have a choice, obviously a recurring theme for him in RN. For my characterization of him, that symbol on his arm causes him nothing but shame and self-loathing (see the end of chapter 36 during his heart-to-heart with Hermione). He’d already exercised almost every known avenue to rid himself of it before Hermione entered his life (he lists these in chapter 44). Hermione already loved him (and has told him so) by the time she’s figured out how to remove it: “I love the man you are today and I will love that man tomorrow, bare forearm or not. I simply wanted you, for once, to have the choice. It’s your body.”

D.) Ooh anon, you are tempting me here. I really hate to be coy, but you might see some future writing on this very topic.

I can at least answer the taboo part: I think soul magic in general (horcruxes, the use of unicorn blood) is quite taboo in the HP universe. As no one knows what happens after death (not even ghosts, Nearly Headless Nick says as much when Harry asks him point-blank in OoTP) I think most magical folk would think the intense ritual (blending magical cores) an unnecessary thing anyway. As Draco explains in chapter 48, since no one actually knows the effects or if it works, it’s considered a bit over-the-top since it’s probably futile anyway. It is also not a Vow with a death component; Narcissa is obviously alive in this story even though Lucius is already dead. I wrote the generational curse protection theory in as a dig at Cursed Child for the way they handled Astoria’s character.

The idea of it I think is romantic, but I will stress it is very dependent upon the intent of the two participants. To quote Draco in chapter 48 again: “To twine one’s soul to another showed a willingness to not only physically tether one’s self during your time here on earth, but to commit to a blending of your magical cores, putting faith in your magic to recognize its bonded counterpart in another life. Should other lives even exist.”

If you re-read Draco’s experience during the bonding ceremony in chapter 51 (starting from this bit: “The cognizance of his own powers never felt sharper, more familiar, but suddenly another power pulsed within to join with his.”) you might find it bears a resemblance to the trajectory of their relationship.

Lastly- I’ve left Draco and Hermione to their wedded bliss. I’ve got nothing planned for them beyond where they are in the final lines of chapter 51. I don’t have that itch to write more into their future because it would feel forced. Draco laid out his two envisioned futures with Hermione in chapter 48 when they discuss having or not having children. They are happy and content in the life they chose together. That’s all I ever wanted for them.

You will see more from this story though. I have an entire series of one-shots and outtakes from the published Remain Nameless timeline that I’ll start posting soon.

Thank you so much list anon! These were fun to answer!

#remain nameless #dramione #list anon #asked and answered

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theatreakasuna-store · 5 years

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⊰ “ I literally read all your discourse stuff in the tags and OMG... I couldn't agree with you more. The making Sasori into an emotionless person is one that particularly gets on my nerves. And when they make him seem worse than he really is. I don't know if there is a term for that. Like doing the opposite of woob. But it's just really nice to see someone else on the same wavelength.” ⊱

I’m gonna put this under a read more bc boy I never shut up !

Thanks anon I’m glad you agree its always nice to open the IB to an anon whos not tying to have beef KGKDKGJdG. I mean yeah Sasori’s totally a stoic but the thing is thats all he is. Its a facade. A very good one which was ingrained into him by the teachings of his village & his own pain but its just an ‘act’ so to speak.

Sasori is VERY capable of emotion & very much experiences emotion. He may not express it openly or even deny it but its absolutely a thing. He is not emotionless. He is not unable to truly feel. ( Hes not even unable to form connections with others. Sasori’s loneliness up to a point was NOT his own doing. Its made clear Sasori wasn’t a ‘loner’ because of being an edgy little prick or anything like that. He was a loner because of his Prodigy status & his reputation. He was not even ten years old & he was already renowned & infamous throughout the war, they were calling him Sasori of the red sand. Suna’s enemies out of fear & suna itself out of lionising his proficiency as their solider & weapon. It was claimed he soaked the desert sands red in blood hence the moniker. Its not that he wanted that. He just did what he was trained to do. Its not that he wanted to be alone. His loneliness & desire for human affection is.... a big part of him. ) Its really sad actually because Sasori himself doesn’t seem to fully understand his own trauma ( I dont expect him to of course, like. . . theres a lot ) & not only that but it was... Idealised to him.

He ‘feels numb”. Its a heavy result of his obvious depression which started when he was only 5 & lost his parents. But he explains it as being like a puppet & embraces it as such because not only is Sasoris literal coping method puppets & this is his way of comforting himself but this “numbness” was taught to him as ideal by his village. So instead of understanding an issue he can work on & improve just thinks its how shinobi are suppose to be.

THOUGH AT THE SAME TIME.... Sasori’s incredibly intelligent ( Scarily so, hes literally a high-level genius ) & I’m pretty sure one of the many key elements of his story was his own realisation that his villages teachings were flawed & they were using him & other shihobi as mere instruments of this flawed idea which was wildly inhumane & unfair, particularly when they came to try & blame him for the death of his only friend ( noted as the only person who treated him as a person ) when he was actually trying to help said friend. Sasori fashioned himself entirely as a big old fuck you to his village surrounded by & using the only happy place he knew. The only things he found reliable & safe. Relating humans & puppets became so easy for him, idealising puppets in place of people was second nature especially due to his village treating people as puppets.

That said Sasori knows what hes doing. While theres a break in reality there for sure Sasori knows the whole human puppet thing is morbid per se. He knows its going against ‘morality’ & ‘humanity’ & all that kinda thing but thats one of the appeals of it. Hes making a statement in that way. shinobi dont like to admit it but Sasori emphasises that theyre all just puppets. Toy soldiers. However by making them human puppets Sasori in a way thinks hes improved them as well, helped them, preserved them, because now they’re eternal. Like this is definitely not a one dimensional thing. Its extremely compound.

SO YEAH!! Big time agree with you I know people seem to take pointing out the tragic nature of any villain is woobifying but... Its not. Its not when A) its canon facts, its what the character is SUPPOSE to be & B) pointing out these facts are not being used as absolute excuses for the ‘bad things’ the character has done / is doing or being used to demonise any other character to make that character look better. ( Huge example being the Loki vs Thor situation in the marvel fandom back in the day )

The reverse-woobifying thing is definitely something I’ve encountered multiple times & it annoys me too, just as much as woobifing itself does. It seems in general tumblr has an issue with moderation because I guess people hate dimension & also like. Your villain doesn’t need the Most Tragic of backstories to be a good one. I personally believe ALL villains have a reason to be what they are but they don’t have to be particularly traumatic like some people seem to think. Nuance is nice. Its good to have some villains that are relatable but not because their stories are overwhelmingly sad. Because the thing is... Pain & suffering doesnt come in one shade & what someone else might overcome another person might not & so on . .. Plus its also good to have villains who just arent really sympathetic at all. But like like... as a whole tumblrs not as big into diversity as it always claims in ANY way. I DIGRESS tho. In particular I’ve found characters who are either explicitly LGBT confirmed or HUGELY LGBT coded are a huuuge target for the reverse-woobie & thats a.... massive problem which was largely why I was being feral in my tags gjkdkgkkdg.

The fact that still the only characters who are LGBT & particularly dimensional that we get are typically villains is a problem to start with but thats another topic. Its fine to love & support lgbt villains but... Definitely something wrong with the reverse-woobie being so predominate when it comes to them. The reverse-woobie in this instance is so replusive for me bc it enforces the idea that LGBT people are not sympathetic or relatable & when they ARE then its ok to pretend theyre not LGBT & effectively erase that part of them. Like I have had people in another fandom explain to me that their reason for erasing a characters sexuality as gay was because they found him to be relatable & sympathetic to them & they were not gay so they preferred to see him as bi or het more like themselves all the while trying to claim hetero or biphobia if you attempted to explain how wrong & inherently homophobic that is. ( lol @ “”Heterophobia”” in general tho ) This character was also a HUGE target for reverse woobifying from the fandom despite the fact he was the FURTHEST thing from a candidate for that imaginable. He was in fact canonly more an anti-hero than an outright villain. The fandom also liked to ‘harass’ people who they deemed were ‘woobifying’ him which essentially related to like... Liking the character & defending him from droves of homophobes in any way. Which was major awkward because theyd throw explicit tantrums about people calling him a “gay icon” in any way but weirdly enough this “anti-woobie” thing with him ONLY came into existence when he was confirmed gay. Prior all the straight fangirls making him their extra deluxe perfect lover boy husbando for their reader x him fanfics were never bothered about ‘woobifying’ in any way.

Dont get me wrong I think some people have genuine good intentions in mind for the reverse -woobie in fandom in regard to this, an idea of pointing out that lgbt ppl are capable of being horrendously evil too ect, which is fine & all but it’ll always leave a bad taste in my mouth if the villain in question is literally a canonically tragic one. Especially when the justification is playing on tropes particularly used to demonise lgbt people. Like I mentioned as an example for Sasori treating him as an entirely emotionless monster while simultaneously empathises hes a-spec or whatever given emotionless / unfeeling / inhuman ect are huge tropes used against a-spec people to dehumanise & demonise us.

Its every bit as awkward, & in fact I would argue far more awkward than people trying to woobify villains who lack “proper” motive. I wish people would be more careful about what characters they’re reverse-woobing n why.

#⊰ ° ⧗◞ OOC ⊱#seeing ur character done wrong no matter what way is always bad but #it feels extra bad when it seems like theres a layer of personal prejudice behind it #which is seems to be the case with most my favs like i cant catch a break huh GKKDKGKDKG #anyways if ur an rper its always dangerous to look at the tags or anything bc... thats how it be.#discourse for ts #long post

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nomnomnibblenibble · 5 years

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Frat Party (hybrid series)

Count: 1.6k words

Type: angstish, fluff

A/N: 1st of a series that will involve all members (inspired by the dream of a 🦎 aka Liz)

The bass of the blaring music was so loud you and Yoongi could feel it underneath the asphalt. If you hadn’t yet adapted yourself you’d be on the ground in agony.

From in front of the frat house the two of you could see people shuffling in and out. Some of them you could recognize from around campus but most of the faces blurred together in insignificance.

“Are you sure about this?” You asked turning to Yoongi. The idea to go a normal people party had been at his suggestion. One that took some convincing for you to accept. It was safer for the two of you to avoid any unnecessary human interaction.

Your super hearing was something you had gotten under control. From being a clueless twelve year old you had learned to tune out and turn down the sounds you didn’t need. A sheet of paper no longer hurt your sensitive ears as it could before.

Yoongi’s mutation on the other hand was more physical. Looking at him currently he would look as any college student although a bit small weight wise. It was when he let his guard down or he lost control that the furrier side came. He was a young kid when he had figured out he was a cat.

Not fully, but paws, tail, ears, and whiskers. Those were all there. His parents made sure to keep their unique son as guarded as possible. Of course for his own good, but their actions proved somewhat detrimental. It took Yoongi so long to learn how to keep his human form. College away from his parents wasn’t looking like an option until he met you in his senior year of high school.

Two freaks who could safely be abnormal.

With no answer Yoongi walked ahead of you into the packed house. You followed close behind him not wanting to lose sight of him. The two of you walked into the threshold to be bombarded with the smell of alcohol and weed at least that’s what you assumed.

The center of the room had partygoers squished together as though they were kept in by invisible walls. Girls and guys, guys and guys, girls and girls all grinding on each other as though they were trying to chafe off glue. The blue light that illuminated the room doing more to hide faces than to reveal them.

Naturally the two of you migrated to the ‘outskirts’ of the large front room. Still surrounded by people but at least breathing was possible.

Yoongi looked amazed by what was before him. Large gatherings were hardly something he was used to. You on the other hand were searching for something that didn’t make you uncomfortable to look at. Stupid drunk kids and students pushing back on each other wasn’t ideal.

Turning in your place you spotted the kitchen considerably more empty. It would do as a temporary escape.

Before walking away you shifted towards Yoongi to alert him only to find the boy in a near state of bliss. His gums were on display as he smiled like a kid in a candy store. He was experiencing, although uninvolved, a part of young life he was expected to miss out on. Pure happiness out of watching his peer act like idiots.

Deciding against disturbing his joy you went over to the kitchen knowing you could listen out for him.

The kitchen was abandoned compared to where the party was concentrated. Four people at most standing around looking like they’d rather be anywhere else. The alcohol wasn’t situated in this room so that left little reason for anyone to be in here.

Deciding a cup in hand, preferably non alcoholic, was better than standing by with nothing you enlist the help of another party goer in the kitchen. From behind there is only black hair as an identifier as you tap on their shoulder. A familiar smiling face appears. If there was a boy who didn’t seem as though he belonged in a traditional fraternity, it was Park Jimin.

Ladies man sure, charming definitely, did you have slight crush, of course. But Jimin was more known for his dancing. He was a dance major that was member of a fraternity. A combination that couldn’t be described as stereotypical.

“Hey you” Jimin said recognizing you from your shared anatomy class. You two weren’t close, but there were the occasional friendly conversations as you two were lab partners.

You replied with a slight smile not wanting to appear too eager, “Hey yourself”

His head turned slightly to the side like a puppy looking up in confusion without the smile ever leaving his lips “I don’t take you for the partying type. What’re doing here?”

It’d be great to note that with the music still blasting the two of you were standing closer than normal. Obviously you would be able to hear him from 100 feet away, but he was human after all. You had to make accommodations.

“You’re right. I’m not, but my friend wanted to come see.” It was no use telling him who the friend was. Yoongi didn’t involve himself in much. He preferred to attend class (sometimes) and be home away in his room in the safety of music. His reputation around campus was non existent.

“Well good thing you came. Did you need anything?”

“Yea, actually. I wanted a drink. The non alcohol kind and I’m not sure where to find that here.” You stated referring to the obvious.

Jimin nodded “I got it. I can go check for a soda or something down in the basement. Wait here.” The steps he took out of your space gave you your breath back. Your face finally didn’t feel as hot. Being a little more at ease you relaxed into the sway of the music rocking back and forth in your little bubble.

The party seemed like a swell idea until you heard the sound of heavy breathing. A familiar breathing that you knew could only belong to a panicked Yoongi.

Rushing out of the kitchen you saw a small crowd congregating where you left him in his happy state. You push through the two person thick crowd to see Yoongi crouched down holding his head in his hands. The obvious signs of his panic attacks that you had come to know over the years.

Crouching down next to him you try to gently shush him to calm him down long enough to move him. Having him surrounded by people would do nothing to quell his distress.

“Come on Yoongi, help me out here” you said while attempting to lift him. He was small himself but still more in size than you.

The sound of Yoongi’s speeding heart filled your ears so you didn’t hear the pleas for people to get out of the way from Jimin. You didn’t notice his presence until Yoongi was actually managed to be lifted from a ball on the ground.

With stares from those immediately surrounding you, the two of you dragged Yoongi’s stiff body into a surprisingly empty room. Laying him on the bed, Jimin stood back watching as you fanned Yoongi’s face with your hand.

“Do you need anything?” Jimin asked sounding a little out of breath himself.

While Yoongi definitely was calming down you knew that he could very well turn any moment. No matter how thankful you were to Jimin or how much you wished the conversation could continue you had to get him out of the room.

Vigorously shaking your head you explained “No, it's alright. He’ll be fine, but I need to be alone with him. So if you could…”

“Oh..oh yeah. I’ll go.” Jimin said turning around to the door. He gave a friendly smile before gently shutting the door.

You turned your attention back to a much calmer and different looking Yoongi. His whiskers were visible and his ears took on their pointer form. He was staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes taking deep breaths. The worst of it was over.

You sighed in relief “You alright now?”.

He nodded still silent.

Knowing not to push until he was ready you opted instead to lay next to him joining him in staring up at the ceiling. His heartbeat, now where it needed to be, brought you peace. Moments of comfortable silence passed within the room.

“I thought someone had found me out.” his tail coming up to wiggle to what he was referring to. “People were starting to stare. I panicked.”

You nodded in understanding although he probably couldn’t see you. Most likely there wasn’t anyone who saw him outside of his human form, but Yoongi having grown up so paranoid about everything and everyone around him sometimes viewed slight glances in a different light.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I guess I went too far-” he continued.

Letting him make himself feel bad for wanting something so simple was not gonna slide. You knew he meant no harm and you were happy to let him experience his youth as much as possible.

“Don’t be like that. And don’t worry about it. It wasn’t all bad.” you interrupted. The music in the background giving a consistent beat that didn’t bother the atmosphere you two shared within the room rather adding to it.

In silence a hand laid against yours, a small paw more like in the case of Yoongi. A paw that fit perfectly with no eclipsing or being swallowed by your own. He remained still and you could hear his breaths slow indicating he had fallen asleep.

The two of you in a familiar place. Next to each other, not talking, not even looking at one another, just finding comfort in the existence of the other.

#bts #bts scenarios #bts fanfic #bts reactions #min yoongi #yoongi scenario #bts scenario #yoongi #yoongi imagines #park jimin

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sage-nebula · 5 years

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THE DRAGON PRINCE SEASON 2 TRAILER BREAKDOWN

I’ve already watched the trailer once, and my mind just about exploded, so now I’m watching it again and I’m going to basically liveblog it with reactions, analyses, thoughts, and other such things. Everything will be beneath the cut for those who don’t wish to see, and also because I feel like this is going to get pretty long.

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: I would die and kill for Azymondias. Literally he is the most precious being in this entire show and I would do anything for him, sweet baby boy.

But speaking of dragons . . .

I STAN TWO DRAGONS. Okay, no, but real talk:

In the voiceover for this part, Viren says:

“There have been reports of shadows in the clouds. Dragons! Flying high above the towns of Katolis!”

I’m . . . suspicious.

I know that this voiceover is given with the shot of this beautiful dragon flying overhead, but here’s the thing: We see them flying over Soren’s head:

Soren may or may not still be in Katolis in this shot. Soren and Claudia are following Callum, Rayla, Ezran, and Azymondias. Those four are headed into Xadia. We don’t know when they’ll make it to Xadia, but it’s possible they do make it there, or at least near there, and that’s when this shot takes place. It’s possible this dragon isn’t above Katolis at all, but is instead somewhere far closer (and maybe even over) the border.

And that would make sense. Why would the dragons be going to Katolis now? The moonshadow elves were the ones sent to take vengeance on behalf of the dragon queen, and Runaan sent his arrow telling her that Harrow was dead. I suppose you could argue that since they never received word of Ezran’s death they’re now sending dragons to scout and look for the assassins, but I find that unlikely. In my opinion, if they were going to go after Katolis themselves, they would have done that first, rather than sending the moonshadow elves. I simply don’t see a motivation for the dragons to fly over Katolis now.

More importantly, though, is what Viren says. He says there are “reports of shadows in the clouds.” He then says that those shadows are dragons. Here’s the thing: shadows could be anything. They could be birds. They could be some other sort of flying creature, and hell, they could even be more clouds, with the way the sun plays on them. But Viren knows that the people of Katolis are currently in a state of fear and unrest since Harrow was assassinated and the princes are missing. He wants the throne, and one way to get it is to have the people themselves insist on putting him on it because there are no other options and they’re scared. And what’s scarier to the people of Katolis than massive dragons in the sky? No one has seen any actual dragons (and you’d think they’d be pretty hard to miss), but people have seen shadows that Viren has now made them think are dragons, and so every single time they see a shadow, they’ll flinch. To me, it sounds an awful lot like Viren is trying to stir up fear in order to get a popular vote to put him on the throne whether the princes die by Soren’s hand or not. Him going on to say:

“And Sunfire Elves are gathering near the border. An invasion is imminent!”

Only serves to stoke the fires (pardon the pun) of that fire. Presumably, elves were already near the border, which is why Amaya and her troops are there. But Viren is acting like this is a new development, and him doing that is made to further stir up fear among the people. Moreover, Viren saying that the Sunfire Elves being near the border means impending invasion is also a way to subtly undermine Amaya; she’s there guarding the border, but he’s basically saying that she’ll be ineffective in stopping the Sunfire Elves. Since he’s in a position of authority as well, and since he’s already making the people terrified, this serves to plant the idea (at least in the public subconscious) that Amaya isn’t strong enough to stop things on her own, thus they need Viren and his leadership.

Meanwhile, as he says “we must be prepared to fight!” Amaya is already fighting and has been prepared for a long time now. Also, on that note, I DON’T KNOW WHO TO ROOT FOR HERE. I LOVE AMAYA BUT ALSO THAT SUNFIRE ELF LOOKS AMAZING AHHHHHH

Amaya may be fighting at the border and Gren may be in the dungeon, but Opeli is carrying on the message of wanting to find the princes. I think the Amaya/Opeli shippers may be onto something tbh.

AARAVOS? IS THAT YOU??

More importantly, the voiceover we get at that part (is that Lujanne? I plan to rewatch s1 before s2 releases but I haven’t done it yet) at that part says “dark forces are pursuing you.” We see Aaravos and Viren, but if that is Lujanne (particularly since it’s followed by Rayla saying “Nooobody likes dark forces”), then that leads me to think she’s actually referring to Soren and Claudia, which would make sense since Claudia is the dark magic prodigy willing to torture people to get what she wants instead of giving them quick, merciful deaths.

Also, this shot of Viren:

He gathered up the fire around him, but I think it’s relevant that this shot followed the shot of Aaravos using fire magic as well, given what we learned in Aaravos’ bio on the website today:

The ability to gather up the fire like that might have been a gift that Aaravos gave to Viren. But why? Why would an elf bequeath a gift like that unto a human, and particularly one that sees magical beings as being batteries for power? Particularly one who seals moonshadow elves into coins? Hmm . . . that poem that we were given might have something to do with it . . . we’ll supposedly find the rest “hidden in season two” . . .

HE JUST FLIPS HIS FOOD ONTO BAIT’S HEAD AND AVA’S LIKE “what r u doin” AND AZYMONDIAS IS JUST AMUSED SDJFKSLDJFDS EVEN WHEN HE’S TECHNICALLY BEING NAUGHTY I STILL LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE’S SO PRECIOUS

Okay, I’ve seen a lot of people freaking out about Aanya’s safety in this scene, but here’s the thing:

They’re not attacking her.

Aanya does look freaked out and scared, but these elves aren’t attacking her. If they wanted to attack her, they’d do it. She’s right there. Her neck isn’t covered by armor. They could kill her if they wanted to, but they’re not. Instead, it looks like they’re moving to fight someone in front of her, which leaves us two possibilities: Either they think that there’s a bigger threat right in front of them than the tiny human queen on the throne, or they’re defending her from what they see as the bigger threat (which gives more credence to my idea that Aanya might have elf allies on her side). It’s possible that the reason why Aanya is freaking out is because she didn’t expect them to be able to transform like that, and not because they’re elves with weapons in her throne room.

More worrying, though, is their appearance. That’s not how moonshadow elves look under the light of the full moon. Their eyes didn’t glow red like that. They weren’t completely black like that. Could this be how they look under a new moon? I guess . . . but these elves also look kind of similar to the ones that were killed in the King Harrow assassination attempt, so I’d say it’s also possible that these are zombie elves. If that’s the case, and if these aren’t Aanya’s friends, then might it be possible that this is a trick by Viren made to make the rulers of the other kingdoms see Xadia as even more of a threat than they did previously? HMMM . . .

I WOULD KILL AND DIE FOR HIM.

Okay, so here’s the thing: The voiceover for this part is Callum saying:

“I want to learn primal magic. But you have to be born with that magic inside you.”

I feel like the fact that we have that voiceover with these clips is significant. I think it’s significant, too, that Lujanne is showing such a blatantly elven magic thing to Callum instead of Rayla. I think we might see potential this season for Callum to find out that he does have some primal magic inside him. I’m not saying “half-elf Callum” but . . . I’m not not saying that, you feel me? (And what if that’s what Harrow’s letter to Callum was? What if he was telling Callum of his inherent magical ability, and asking him to use that inherent ability---rather than dark magic---to help Ezran be king? HMMM . . .)

However, then we get this bit from Claudia:

“That’s the great thing about dark magic! You just take creatures that are born with that magic inside, and . . . squeeze it out of them!”

YEAH, BIG MOOD, CALLUM.

See, this is what I’ve been saying about Claudia and dark magic this entire time. Everyone wants to peg Claudia as a sweet cinnamon roll because she’s quirky and funny and loves her brother, but the thing is . . . where Soren was going to give Runaan a quick, arguably merciful death, Claudia instead ordered him to be tied up because she thought she could get “more use” out of him. She wanted to drain him dry of his magic, even though that meant chaining him up in the dungeon and killing him slowly (and he later had his soul drained, screaming). Claudia believes Viren that Azymondias’ egg is a thing, and she sees it as a powerful weapon. Why? Because Azymondias is a dragon, presumably, and dragons are incredibly powerful. Even here, look at the expression on her face as she squeezes her book, listen to the tone of her voice and what she says; Claudia thinks it’s great to kill magical beings and take their magic for her own use. She gets enjoyment and pleasure out of it.

Comparisons could be made between this and killing animals for food. What’s the difference between killing a cow to get a stake, and killing an elf to get their magic? The difference is the necessity. People need to eat. If they don’t eat, they’ll starve. And if people need to eat meat for protein or other dietary reasons, they need to kill a cow to get that meat. (Or a chicken, or a deer, or an elk, or whatever else.) But humans, even in this universe, don’t need to use magic. It’s not necessary for their survival. Eating is, but dark magic isn’t. It certainly isn’t to the extent that Claudia uses it, for pranks and making pancakes. Claudia delights in the torture and death of magical creatures for her own personal convenience. She doesn’t have to do the things she does---she could just make normal pancakes like a normal person---but she chooses to, and she likes it, she promotes it as being great. But it isn’t, and Callum’s reaction here tells us that, even in this world, Claudia’s behavior and attitude in this arena is out of the ordinary. And before anyone blames this on Viren, no. Viren taught her dark magic originally, yes, but Claudia is sixteen. She’s old enough to know right from wrong, to think and make decisions for herself, and her reaction to Viren telling her to sacrifice Soren tells us that she does recognize when Viren says things she disagrees with. Claudia’s opinions and behavior with regards to dark magic are entirely her own. Her complete disregard for the lives of magical beings, and her willingness to torture their magic out of them for her own personal convenience and gain, is entirely her own.

Does Claudia have elements of sweetness in her toward those she loves? Sure.

But she’s still incredibly dangerous and has a sadistic side to her as well. As Aaron Ehasz said, if she was a bender in the Avatar universe, she’d be a bloodbender.

TAKE HIM DOWN, RAYLA! KICK HIS ASS, BABY, I GOT YO’ BRAID!!!!

Oh nooooo, what is happening here. My first thought was that perhaps Callum just learned of Harrow’s death, but in that case I find it strange that we don’t have Ezran in this shot as well. So perhaps, since we know that Soren and Claudia catch up to them, Claudia gives Callum the letter that Harrow wrote for him, Callum read it . . . and that’s what leads to this. ;A;

I STAN A QUEEN.

THAT LOOKS LIKE QUEEN SARAI ON THAT HORSE. And that person on the back . . .

THAT LOOKS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE VIREN.

So here are my thoughts: We know that King Thunder was known for protecting the border. Whenever humans tried to cross, Thunder fended them off. My thought is that Viren crossed the border to poach more magical creatures for use in his dark magic spells. After all, magical creatures aren’t native to the human kingdoms, so the only place he could get them is within Xadia. When Viren crossed the border, this angered Thunder, and Thunder did what he always did: He attacked in order to defend the Xadians (which, considering Viren likely wanted to poach them for dark magic, is fair).

Now, here’s where Sarai comes in: Either Viren convinced Sarai to take him across the border in the first place, or Sarai found out what he was doing somehow and ran in to rescue him. Either way, she got him on the back of her horse and together they fled from Thunder’s attack. But whether Thunder was directly attacking them or trying to fend them off doesn’t really matter much when he’s causing lightning to crash down around them. Their horse was only a horse, and likely it got scared. There’s a very high probability that they were both thrown from the horse. Viren sustained permanent injury in his leg, and Sarai was killed. This is what led to Harrow, in his griefstricken rage, deciding to slay Thunder.

I know a lot of people will read that and will decide that the moonshadow elves were not justified in killing Harrow, then, because Thunder killed Sarai first, but if you think that, I ask you to look at this hypothetical scenario again. Thunder only retaliated to drive humans—at least one of whom wanted to poach and therefore kill Thunder’s people for dark magic—out of Xadia. Thunder wouldn’t leave the border; he was always there to defend it. Viren is the one who instigated this conflict if this scenario pans out, not Thunder. That doesn’t mean it was all right for Sarai to die—she was a casualty in this—but it does mean that if anyone “started it,” it was Viren.

And do you know who else I think holds this opinion? Amaya.

This would explain Amaya’s mistrust of Viren: she blames him for Sarai’s death. Viren was the one who decided to cross the border, either necessitating Sarai’s rescue or goading Sarai to go with him. Either way, it was not something that needed to be done. But he did it anyway, and Sarai died for it. There’s a possibility that Amaya even believes this was premeditated on Viren’s part, that he wanted Sarai to die so that he could have a stronger voice in Harrow’s ear. Whether or not that’s true, though, I do think Amaya would blame Viren for Sarai’s death in this scenario, which would perfectly explain why she doesn’t trust or like him at all.

(Also, while I think that Viren would cross to poach magical creatures, it’s also possible that he crossed because he found out that the dragon queen had an egg, and that he wanted to steal Azymondias’ egg from the get-go. Claudia said that Viren views it as a weapon, and we know that Viren himself views it as more valuable than his own son. If Thunder retaliated against Viren and Sarai so fiercely, it could be because Viren wasn’t only there to poach creatures, but that Viren was caught trying to steal Azymondias’ egg, which caused Thunder to retaliate even more harshly than he ordinarily would have. In that case, Viren would goad Harrow to kill Thunder not just out of retaliation, but also so he could have another shot at stealing the egg, which he then did. It’s something to think about, anyway.)

NOOOOOOOOOOOO ;A;

UMMMMM? CALLUM???? IS THAT DARK MAGIC I SEE? ARE YOU DOING DARK MAGIC????

I am . . . SO upset if this is Callum using dark magic like I think it is. Like how DARE he, how DARE he do that. I really, really hope this is some kind of misdirect, or that he immediately regrets his decision, but Callum, CALLUM, how DARE you, Callum, how DARE you!!!!

“EAT HIM, DRAGON!!” I scream, knowing full well that this is the same dead dragon that we saw Ezran by just moments ago. (Note that I don’t hate Soren, but it’s just that if his opponents are Rayla or a dragon, I’m going to root for them and not him.)

All in all, my head is spinning, my mind is blown, and I was already hyped through the roof but now I’m even more so. SEASON TWO. SEASON TWO CANNOT COME FAST ENOUGH.

#the dragon prince #tdp #tdps2 #meta #speculation #i'm not tagging as spoilers since all the spoilers are beneath the cut #so you can choose whether to look or not

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gammija · 6 years

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The Hollow review/summary/rant/explanation of why i hate the ending I wasn’t sure whether I should post this, but I did enjoy reading others experiences watching this show, so here’s mine under the cut. Edited from a convo with a friend.

(Obviously, spoilers!)

Me: Okay so to properly express my disappointment i gotta take you through the major beats

The show starts with three teens waking up in an almost empty room, finding out they all have amnesia. They quickly solve a puzzle to escape the room, and just as quickly Adam and Mira realize they have superpowers (superstrength/agility and some weird 'speak to animals/know all languages' hybrid, respectively. also she can breathe underwater and swim really fast. its kind of vague)

Kai is already clearly a comic relief, discount Ron (from HP, the movies, no idea about the books) so me and sister correctly predict he'll get jealous of adam and miras relationship (even if there is none), gets pissy and jealous that he has no powers, but then finds out he has powers anyway he does, hes a fire bender. cant say im not bitter about that cause id put my money on invulnerability but eh its alright he has red hair after all hes still fun

Friend: Of course he is

I just feel bad is all aldjs

Me: adam gets a throwaway line of 'maybe were dead' and kai never lets it go

this food might be poisoned but im starving and hey were dead anyway! right, adam

Friend: I love him??

Me: i loved him as soon as he spoke his first dumb words also he puns but basically hes the only interesting char; adam and mira are just cookie cutter 'male lead 1' and 'female lead 1' i mean, he’s cookie cutter ‘jealous 3rd wheel’ but that has more going on than the first two still servicable though

anyway so the jokes are sometimes fun, and superpowers are always my jam. but the REAL reason to keep watching is just, whats going on? ARE they dead? or in some kind of weird gvnmt experiment? some weird magical vampire guide (dont ask) hints they wanted this themselves ooh, intrigue. and the world is very very quirky they start in a gravity falls-y woods and then get teleported to a desert with minotaurs and witches, then get invited for tea by the Grim Reaper and the rest of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse

tbh Grim is the best part of the show but thats neither here nor there

anyway they have a magic map that updates once theyve been somewhere, and it shows them that the hot dry desert and the swampy wood bunker are like right next to each other

so you start thinking, how are they gonna explain that? this is too weird to be handwaved away. theyve gotta be going somewhere

they visit some other exotic locals, like what appears to be the set of Alien (complete with alien) and an abandoned old fair and a floating island with japanese inspired evildoers on it

the weird magic guide keeps showing up and being vague, dropping hints that there are other kids there etc

at some point Mira says "This is no time for games!" Weirdy: "Thats where youd be wrong~" me and sister: Aha! videogame! that connects all the dots, and also makes the tropes clear: small world with all kinds of different areas, quests, fights, superpowers, an updating map, fast travel Adam, a few eps later: guis i think we might be in a videogame me and sister: [high five]

Anyway in the meantime also the second predictable Kai (discount Ron) plot happens: they meet three other kids (boy boy girl) and they act shady but the girl takes an immediate and obvious interest in Kai so obviously theyre gonna manipulate him and have him betray his friends but in the end he'll see through their facade and kick their ass that more or less happens. The other teens also confirm that this is a game, and theyre trying to win. winning is done by bringing the MacGuffin to a tree fights over macguffin ensue situations are dire but our characters persevere

(also Mira kisses Adam and he acts very weird about it, almost as if hes gay and the only reason they didnt make it canon is censors) (no lingering gaze, just him going 'hehe yeah no thanks, its not you, its me', but in a very... he doesnt seem to be saying it with shall we say burning desire in his soul. hes literally just like 'eh youre a good friend.' Cool move, cartoon that made the two main boys have arguments over nothing cause of course the two main guys have constant dick measuring matches)

this all is not the offensive part btw it was all fun and games, its just a flash cartoon i wasnt expecting Shakespeare

anyway so theyre in a videogame, and apparently thats the answer to all the weirdness. A bit of a cop-out, cause thats a very easy answer, but eh, it works. it wasnt immediately obvious.

also something i hadnt mentioned yet: thisd be ideal for making (self-insert) OCs. Unique powers for each person, there are clearly more characters than shown, the world is your playground

and maybe the video game thing could be interesting on its own in the last few eps the game seems to be glitching out a lot they say its breaking apart so they really gotta hurry now maybe they were beta testers for a vr game gone wrong maybe this is part of it but its like a huge experience that you tell all your friends about anyway there are ways it could be cool, could be expanded to a season 2 despite having solved the mystery

but. last episode. our heroes get the MacGuffin, go to a final stage, and fight the Boss Battle (its a dragon). they enter the Castle....

...and the screen zooms out, into a sudden live action stage, where we see the cartoon (literally what you were just watching) on screen. there are 6 chairs, 3 with our heroes, 3 with the other teens, presumably. theres a host and hes dressed exactly like the weird guy (and that was already kind of a clashy outfit in the cartoon). it was all just a game show. but. the worst part is the live action

you. dont. go. from. animated. to. live. action.

other way around? fine, can work. But now? WHY itd still be dumb and dissapointing but if itd been animated too itd at least have been.... nice to look at but the acting.. oh god they didnt even say anything and it was all wrong clearly theyd just picked the first random teens that vaguely looked like the chars and put them in there cause they had no lines so who needs acting?!

the enemy teams girl had, in the cartoon, pink hair. Purple with pink highlights instead of stylizing that into something more realistic or painting the actual hair, they gave some 30-year old woman a wig and called it a day

keep in mind i binged this show in one go

purposely stayed up late to watch the last ep with my sis even tho we shouldve gone to bed and were disobeying our dad cause we Had to Know

and theres more i said they had no lines but i was lying. Kai did have a line. well, his voice actor did they dubbed him also the line was about him having to pee which is already not the most hilarious in animated version but a live action kid whose supposed to be this character you spent 3 hours with but looks nothing like him saying that in a voice that doesnt belong to his throat, as he stands bashfully in front of a live audience, the only words spoken by your main characters in the last moments...

*its actual hell*

oh oh one more thing at the end the six kids stand in a line and kai is next to other girl they glance at each other and as the eyes of this teen and 30 year old in wig cross, her eye glitches for a moment

dun dun duuun

bUT i dont care anymore, The Hollow. You overestimated your own premise. this wont be forgiven. your most interesting part was the mystery, and the answer to that was "just a normal game show" (which also doesnt make sense on another level smh) soo if you think that im interested in what these two-dimensional (ha) characters will do now about the glitch in the eye of a bitch then i have news for u

i dont

...if they get a second season ill probably check it out though as long as its animated

Friend: Gammi I'm getting the real sinking suspicious feeling that what you saw isn't the real end but bad on purpose because there's more to it

Me: the show didnt seem good enough to be bad on purpose

and yet im still not done, if youll still hear me out

i mean, im an animation fan so ill still watch but if theyd wanted to be bad on purpose they really shouldve done a better job fleshing out the characters thats what people come back for that was a bit of a sidetrack BUT so i said why the live action itself was just terrible in overal quality

but the resolution that 'oh it was all in a game show' doesnt work on multiple levels

first of all, they show a short flashback of "About 5 hours earlier". The kids stand on the stage and are instructed to take their seats in the vr-chairs, and pick their superpower

2 things i dislike about that

1) there goes all the self-insert/oc potential. they werent teens in over their heads, they werent gvnmt experiments, or just some kids who wanted to play a game -they were in it to win it, from the start. thats very specific and not the most appealing to all kinds of characters (goodbye, all the 'im just an average girl whod never step into the spotlight like that' characters).

Also, all the expansion on lore is gone. maybe there were other games simultaneously? eh, maybe, but theyd be all gameshows. Maybe someone ended uo trapped there for way longer? nah its just a gameshow theyre not gonna let anything actually bad happen. Maybe there are other worlds, other areas, other weird creatures? unlikely, they finished the map and familiarity seemed to be a thing for the audience. Now every new idea has to be put not through a 'whats interesting for a player' but a 'whats interesting for a viewer' lens, and whats a selfinsert if not a player in another universe

2) HOW IS THIS A SUCCESSFUL GAME SHOW

who the hell watches a game show for 5 consecutive hours, some of which mustve been just them walking. also, we zoom out of the screen were watching, so implication is that everything up until then has been what the audience has seen. but... we only followed the one team. there were two? why didnt the audience want to see what they were up to? ~reality tv usually thrives on showinf the worst assholes so realistically they wouldve been the focus~

There are also way too many times *both* teams couldve failed, from early on till late in the game. Not a single game i can think of thats played for an audience is set up like that, and especially not a televised one (okay tbf idk if this was televised, i dont remember if i saw cameras, but. it mustve. monetary reasons.)

What r u gonna do if they all 'died' from the monsters in the first ep? Call it a day? boring for the audience. let them restart from scratch? boring for the audience. the existence of an audience messes with everything

AND THEN ANOTHER THING what do you mean, "5 hours ago?" you never get a time stamp to show how long theyve been in there but there are some cuts, when they travel and such. The actual show is a lil over 3 hours runtime. You mean to tell me you sat through 2 hours of the characters just walking?

okay last thing. so. they were clearly second season teasing with the glitching eye thing. i already said this but. theres nowhere to go from here that isnt worse that the first season. your mystery is dead. you clearly know your live action teens cant act so youd have to go back into the game - but why would they do that? how would that be in any way interesting? you explored all there was to explore.

The other, more out there option, is that as you said the 'real world' was a fake-out and theyre still in a game. but. how would- how would you even make that remotely convincing? if youd just left the 'real world' gameshow as animated too this wouldnt have been a problem. but there is absolutely no conceivable reason to justify, in universe, why another meta-level up is 2D animation again unless they were in a game, in a game, in a game. and thats just dumb. yall aint inception

Friend: HONESTLY if they just kept the whole deal animated it'd probably be okay. Not good, but better,

Me: ye me and my sister came to the same conclusion

i couldve lived with that. at least, i couldve just acknowledged the finales existence but chose to ignore it. now however im full phantom planet levels of denial. in fact i dont even know how the show ended anymore, suddenly

Friend: what finale? what show?

Me: also at least now we know why its called The Hollow

it leaves you feeling empty inside

#the hollow #the hollow netflix #netflix the hollow #uhm #text post #joos yaps #in case anyone was curious what ive been blogging about today #this is the show

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goddamned-catnapped · 7 years

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Personal rant-- Long af just ignore this pls

Ok so like i have a highly dysfunctional family-- my dad works out of my country but he never pays anything for us; not even school/college fees for me and my sis and so on. My mother also used to work outside and used to give the whole fam financial support but now she's retired. Mom and Dad haven't talked to each other for over 20 days. Mom has a stress facture in her ankle and has trouble walking. She also once fainted at her workplace but Dad still doesn't care. Dad has never done anything for us yet he says he loves us and so on and moreover he used to ask mom for money now and then. My relatives aren't nice either-- my mom has three sisters out of which she's the eldest one and the second probably doesnt even know we exist and ive never seen her and she's out somewhere in libya and the third is very selfish and has a lot of pride and the last fourth one is a fucking bitch-- always cynical and backbites and shit. My grandmother is also selfish and arrogant and does not let a week pass by without creating problems. I think I have depression-- no i KNOW i have depression and that's not because ive had the symptoms for just a week-- ive been like this for over 3 years or more. Moreover I cut myself first when I was 11 and even now people tend to think we are just following an internet trend. I also know I have depersonalization-derealization disorder because I have the symptoms. I wasnt able to tell my mother that i even had depression so i made my sis tell her (she found out by accident because she saw my scars) and my mother didnt really talk to me about it and instead took my symptoms (headaches & mood swings + hypersomnia; sis didnt go into much detail) as something that was not related to my mental disorder and said "Change yourself". I had stayed away from my family for over two and a half years to study alone with my grandmother and my fourth aunt and they are very toxic kind of people-- they remain nice and suddenly stab you with knives out of nowhere. I've suffered a lot because of them and because of the toxic classmates I had in 10th grade-- I made no friends there. i cant tell my mom because she already worries too much. But she sometimes screams at me if i make a small mistake and cusses and takes out the anger and frustration of other people on me. I always thought that we are a family so who would we scream at if not at each other-- understanding and shit you know. But when I feel suffocated and so fucking horrible inside i dont tell that to anyone so if I get even slightly irritated-- my mom cannot tolerate that either. She's a very meticulous person so I try to live up to her expectations and sometimes I really wish she'd at least say "well done". It really hurts honestly. It hurts a lot. I didnt want to burden her with my problems so I never said anything. She always talks about how she has suffered and what not. If she was bring irritated with me (which is very often), and i told her to not cause too many problems because I already deal with a lot She'd say-- (no she HAS actually already told me)-- What "problems" do you even have huh? Honestly, I try to keep up with this family. But I just really want to die. I dont know why my family has to be like this. I have friends now and I am a senior and all my friends always talk about stories about the funny moments theyve had with their parents and what not while I have none. I always keep a straight face when mom tells me about how awful dad is. It really hurts because our relationships are so strained that it makes me want to cry when I see other people's parents loving their kids and having a happy family overall. I dont even remember the last time we all sat together and laughed. I always help people but even now I dont know how to ask for help. These past years all I have done is cry behind locked doors, put on fake smiles and cut myself almost every single day. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize myself and I don't feel like I am me or I am my own person. "So this is how I look like to other people" is the first thought that comes to mind. Because I was so alone I made online friends but most of them were toxic too and its amazing how I have not killed myself yet. I dont like how my face looks and maybe I am the only one who is not happy with her skin color. I know it shouldnt bother me but I am slightly chubby, have acne (almost no one in my class has that) and I am brown. I try to think positively but it feels so fake and i get even more frustrated with myself. When i cut myself i (almost never) bleed but it leaves scars that takes months to heal even small scratches but even now my left arm is slightly discolored. My mom wants dad to provide us with financial support and so she tells us to indirectly take out the money from him like some sort of a politician. Why. Is this how the relations in a family work? I have to act like i am not affected by any of this because i dont want to make problems for my mother. But neither does she have time for me nor does she care enough. You know, I would live on streets and have diseases if that meant that I would have someone who would understand me. Even from when I was young, my sister was in another country and mom and dad were almost always out for work and i would be left with my maids. I have never had anyone to emotionally connect with. I really want to help and even though I am so talkative-- the words that are important to say never come out. When I talk to people, I don't recognize my voice and if I do, it feels very fake and i dont even like the words coming out of my mouth. I have become so mentally unstable that I became so hostile to an extent that I was about to attack my mother and thought to just kill her right then and there and the next day while she was talking to me, i just thought "this was the person i wanted to kill huh?" and that really scared me. I have never felt any love from my mom's side and have never emotionally connected with her so at this point I don't know how it feels to have a mother or a father. It's the same as being an orphan for me. Even surrounded by people, I feel alone. I hate that I cant say something simple like "I am in pain and I want you to help me". Whenever I get really angry or frustrated, if I dont cut myself, I either dont eat or I just become very violent with myself. I think maybe I just tend to introspect a lot (if thats what its called). When i finally did tell someone (a net friend) that i had depression, he just said 'you dont have depression' and when i was trying to console his friend and just told him that yanno i had depression but shit happens so you shouldnt feel so down and stuff, he (not his friend) made a group with me and my sister and said that i wanted attention so i keep telling everyone that i had depression. It was a long time ago but i still remember all of it. I remember how my mother slapped me once so hard that my cheek turned blue when it wasnt even my fault. I remember she was hitting me with some pole for something I had not done. Once she even told me "why did i even give birth to you" when she wanted me to just check out a dress and show it to her and dad and i just had a straight face on and that annoyed her cuz it looked gloomy or my annoyed face and shit. It has always been easier for her to tell others she is suffering and to scream at me and call me a bitch and other things whenever she feels like and wants to. She has never said sorry to me and almost all the times i have kept quite and i never told her about how i had felt like shit and wanted to cry and had suicidal thoughts almost all the time. All I have been made to feel is that its my fault and i have even tried to stand up for myself but no one ever listens to me or cares at all. Even now presently i am hiding my tears for some fucking dumbass reason that I dont want my mom to see it because if i tell her to leave me alone she will not listen. When i get like this and feel suffocated, I avoid eye contact because it would feel so intrusive if someone looked at me straight in the eye and found out all my deepest dark secrets. I am not the positive, helpful, happy, funny, talkative friend/person that I show to others because its all just a facade to hide the fact that i am actually a very pessimistic and cold type of person. I know i would have the coldest eyes if I ever showed that self. I envy people who are happy and have happy lives and I despise and hate so much that I want the people who hurt me to suffer so much that theyd want to die. And some times i hate everyone and want them all to die. At this point i dont care if my family dies because it feels as if they are just some people i know. My mother has just become an annoying roommate who demands more respect than is to be given to the average person is all. I dont feel like i have any relation with my father. Me and my sister's relationship is the "so close yet so far away". Yes, I am trash and an overall disgusting person who can never be as good as others nor be able to give others happiness or make things better for anyone and cant do anything except create more problems for everyone and cant help but sometimes be too nice to people so much so that i get hurt and so i become a little too cruel which again fills me with guilt and there is no in-between. I really just want to kill myself because maybe it'll do someone some good and if not.. then its still fine, I wouldnt care because I would be dead by then anyway.

#dysfunctional family #mental instability #mental disorder #sad #personal #family #self harm #suicide #tw suicide #tw self harm #depression #text #text post

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years

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Day 70

Seventy.

Life is going on. With ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Well life is mostly grey for me.

As every day passes, i just realize more and more how much i love him. I really dont want to bluff about it but I just couldnt stop from typing it out because the realization blows my mind away. And one big reason is because I would never do what i did, or can do for him, and no one will ever mean anything even remotely close to how much he meant to me and will always mean to me.

This might all just sound like a cheesy note any person in love would say but Oh God! trust me, this is what comes to my head after quite a good number of not-so-nice crap i have in my big fat head. So yeah! thats how i just know. This is not ever going away. And if I ever got a chance to re-live, i wouldn’t have wanted to fall in love with anyone else, orrrrrrrrrrr id just wish I was alone. That’s pretty cool tooo!! lol

Speaking of which. Yeah. I pretty much do enjoy my own company. I just dont like communicating much with people. for a lot of reasons actually. Well, to begin with. I believe im a really complicated person. LIke, everyone has their own story and theres something twisty about everyone and bla bla but then I really do thing Im just not that easy to understand, and to top all that, I dont even like opening up to people so thats more of a reason to not get me. I am kind of aware of the fact that i seem to have a lot of ego and seem to be filled with pride and arrogance. But thats not true, thats just how some people see me, and i cant blame them because i think that is something i mask myself with. However, many people do find me really sweet and all but whatever side anyone sees, its always clear, im not really interested in getting too close with anyone and that i appreciate my own space. Sometimes, i do wonder if i really do enjoy being on my own or i actually want some good friends. But then the thing is, i have really really good friends back from high school. the only thing is, theyre not in the same country, theyre far away. but then again, even when we were all on ksa, we still mostly communicated on social media and stuff so it shouldnt matter much i guess. what im trying to say is. despite all the misunderstanding people might have with me, or people actually finding me sweet or whatever. or me not liking them much or wanting them to be my friends or whatever. the thing is, its not that i dont have anyone at all. because i do have people who know me. they dont know every little detail about me though, and thats because i dont talk much to them either. but they know me as a person. like i dont need to kiss their ass to get their attention, i can be myself with them.. i can be mean, and rude, or not keep in touch or act like im full of ego, like im so full of my shit and theyd still accept me. because they know that thats just how i am. im not sugarcoated.

But.. it still doesnt matter

What im saying is. I prefer sitting alone on my own. doing literally nothing. no phone. no laptop. no means of communication with the outside world OVER actually chatting with anyone. or even someone who knows me so well and is close to me.

Ok man, i talk a lot! So yeah that’s the thing! but when we were together, i wouldve done anything to not miss a chance to talk to him lol - thats just an easy way to put it out there, that he was different.

And also putting it out there how my life is right now. I prefer my own company. I dooooo badly wish i had a ‘partner’ though - an ‘eating partner’!!!!!! haha! I really wish i could go to restaurants with someone to try food randomly. But then. idk. i mean its not that easy to find someone who has the same love for food and aso someone whos willing to spend money to try food or someone whod be able to hang out with me. especially i dont even have any good friends in ksa right now Ugh

Another really important reason i dont like talking to people much is the commitment. I hate commitment!!!!!!! And when i say commitment i dont even mean something serious like being in some relationship. i mean.. even the smallest commitment. like when you even knock someone and the person expects you to reply fast. Like okay give me a break! We dint exchange vows or something, yth do i need to reply fast. or whyd you even expect me to reply fast like idk. do people just pause their lives and just talk to other people? bleh Im not even ready for that so yeah!

buttttttttt then again - with him. it was SO different. but like i said. it was only him!!!!

Something cool was the fact that i had a dream of him the other day. we never met each other f2f after our last conversation, so him in my dream was the first time we met f2f which wasnt actual anyways!!! But!!! I was so full of attitude. Like I could totally see my facial expressions and go like. “Oh God Youuu” to myself! Im usually full of attitude in front of other guys, if i ever am, which is kinda rare. just saying!

So i read his post about him going to bd and stuff, and i wont even lie about how i totally never like that. but then this time its different obviously. In many ways though. One way to look at it is how i just remembered about the time when he was in bd last year! ~~~ And the award for the roughest of all times goes to!!!!

Now comes the part were I actually give the reason why I dont blog much! Well tbh i want to blog all the time. But then!!!! Who am i kidding???? Its obviously cause I want him to read my post and blabla so yeah I dont! I mean. I really want to, but i dont. The same way. Forget blogging man. I mean. In this generation, with all these advancements and i say, no barrier at all. If we could decide like two mature adults to stop talking for nothing but good intentions then i sure as hell can keep myself from blogging about every little thing, and keep my shit together, and only blog when my mind and my heart says that i got it in my hands and im not going to screw up!

and so that would mean that anything i post about, is just a very little, incomplete detail of the entire story and i almost always will sugarcoat it a million times and put it up here!

but like i said - every thing just ends with me realizing how in love i am with him and as long as that is how it ends, i like it.

So “losing weight” is like the --aim of my life-- right now. Just that its so boring oh maa gawd - and so i end up watching suits. which is soooooo niiiceeeeee omgg. And i actually love the couple there. Mike & Rachel! - oh and also its kinda funny to me idk why but whenever i see any couple onscreen that i like, my inner me kinda teases me going like “sarah, you loser!!!!!” and then i look down from the screen for a second or two like an actual loser would doo and then yeah i just “laugh it away” - like silently! ~ No hard feelings!

umm.so yeah i was saying. The main thing is losing weight and i want to lose one kg a week WHICH I AM NOT BY THE WAY. so i kind of get sad from time to time and all, and then idk get ok with it, and then sad again and alll that. and then battling myself against food is there. Today though i kind of figured out that if i watch suits while on the treadmill ill kinda stay distracted, and it wont be boring anymore and ill be able to go somewhere i guess.

so theres around 9 weeks left for uni to open and i wish vacation never ended but yeah lets just face reality. And about my brother, 6 weeks left. So that means I wna lose around 9 kgs before uni reopens but its smart to kind of plan a bit more than you actually want so that if you dont totally achieve your goal youll still land somewhere good. if you know what i mean.

Now there is a lot i want to say. SO muchh. But I cant be fooling myself. It would obviously be for him only. So Ill just hold everything back in!!!!!!

But one thing I want the world to know

Everyone has their own problems and their own imperfection and perfections and whatever. But ever since I had my eyes on him, i knew he was different. infact that is exactly why i liked him in the first place. I dont wna go in depth with this but ill just say it in the simplest way I can.

When I was with him, yes, I did pray for a fairytale story. But not an actual one. because those dont exist. I had my own modified version of a fairytale ending. And in their, everything was not perfect. Everyone was not perfect. there was pain, there were people who didnt know what they were worth. All I ever wanted is to be the person to be ale to mend hearts, to help someone find their way out from the sufferings, to be a part of someone happiness. And even though we are not together right now. I wish the same. I just wanted it to be through me before. Now it doesnt necessarily need to be, cause it definitely will be coming from Allah both ways inshaAllah.

I pray he gets to see what I see in him. And what people see in him. And most importantly, what he sees in himself but fails to value at times.

P.S. My family is excluded from consideration in this post. when i talk about people, i mean everyone else except my family. --ALSOOOOO-- I just randomly sat down at 5am and decided to blog today and so i sat with my laptops and this is all what flowed outta me!

A totally random post!

BUT i do wna mention how the tumblr app on my phone s.u.c.k.s. Cant give notifications properly *&^&%&^$%&%*^(0

Bye c:

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kyskingdom · 5 years

Text

Harmonize. (First book I ever wrote. age 9)

Its quite here. There is no noise, except Gala snoring next to me. A car pulls into the drive, Gala snaps awake and growls at the noise. The person in the car is Emily, my sister. She "accidently" left her wedding ring here last time she visited. I think she just wanted a reason to come home again. Just a few weeks ago, Emily married Tom, a semi-truck driver who treats her amazing. They go everywhere together, which is why Emily needed an excuse to come home. I hear the front door open, and I hear her shoes on the floor. She knocks on my door. But walks in immediately after. So the knock was pretty pointless. Why is she In my room though? I told her where the ring was when we were on the phone earlier. I tried to make it sound like I wasnt going to be home. Its not like I dont love my sister, I just dont want to talk to her right now. I dont know why. But I don't. She stands in the door way and stares at me, I stare at the floor. "Selina, what is it?" Said Emily making her way to my side. "Nothing." Emily started poking my arm, trying to get my attention. I pretended not to feel Emily, though it was getting very annoying. "What is it? You can tell me." Oh! Wow! Yes! I'm just gonna tell you everything! "I dont know,I guess I just want to be able to support myself." I cringe, that's the best my brain can come up with? Pathetic. "What? You already support yourself." Okay, I'm getting pretty annoyed, just play along! "No I'm mean, completely support myself, like, in my own house..." That part wasnt a lie, I do want my own place. "Well, just, I don't know, just dont rush yourself." I looked up at Emily, I know why she has someone and I dont, she is stunningly pretty. I have always thought she was beautiful, her freckles around her nose, the short wavy auburn hair that hang over her shoulders. Like our mom. I dont look like them. My features are plain. I'm sometimes feel invisible, like my face has been used too many times. "Well," I said "I've gotta get to work." "You know," said Emily ,"you shouldn't be working two jobs at 19." I work one, so I correct her. "I only work one." I try to say this as serious as possible, but its hard to when Mary is such a wonderful woman. "Oh right, 'taking care of Mary isn't a job' right?" Emily said in an awful, what I would guess to be an impression of me. "Well, it isn't." I turned and grabbed my purse from the dresser, as Emily was passing me to leave. I walked out after Emily, who turned for the door, after she said goodbye to mom. My mother is wearing a scowl, one she saved for a very specific person, this cant be good. Or it might be really good! "Mary Rogers called last night, Saphy got her driving license so she'll be taking care of her now." Saphy, that little...I decide not to discuss her right now, I already know my mom hates her as much I do, so I play it off as if I'm talking about someone pleasent. "I thought Saphy was in Florida? Remember, she thought she was too good for Louisiana?" I always thought Louisiana was a great place for everyone to live, turns out, pretty-in-pink barbie dolls hate it here. "She's coming back to town, Her friends and her got in an argument, well a 'life crisis' if you ask her." Mom smiled at the 'life crisis' part, I really dont know why though. Other then to, I dont know, add something interesting to the conversation. Her and Emily talk the same way, while smiling. "Right, I need to get to work." I hugged her and headed for the door. I think about Mary on my way to work, A 98 year old woman who always insisted on me calling her 'aunt'. The first time we met, I had about 20 cats circling my feet, all meowing, Mary came down the stairs with a little furball kitten in her hand. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen! I smiled, remembering how sweet Mary was, but the smile quickly faded. Unfortunately, everyday I have to pass the road where my dad was killed by a drunk driver, I was around 8, sitting in the back seat, singing along to the radio, when a loud screeching sound rang in my ears, then glass reflected red and blue lights on the dashboard. I pulled into the small parking lot of the restaurant I work at, it was just me and Dolores, the cook, and like 5 people that wanted a coffee refill for the road. I normally just read, but I am fresh out of books, so I need to make a deal, I go around my school and ask people for their books, with the promise that I will do the book report, but its summer, and nobody has book reports in the summer. I was brought out of my day-dream feeling my phone buzz, my mom. "hey are you busy?" Nope, just busy with my book-dealer thoughts! "Its never busy here mom." I thinks thats less of a crazy answer, right? "Right, well, Someone just called, He needs a new caretaker." He? I specificaly put on my resume 'Woman Only!' But the resume only exists in my head, and as far as I know, people cant see into my brain place, not that theyd want to, my train of thought often crashes into the Great Wall of Stupid, and repairs take a while. "Do I know him?" That was a stupid question! No, of course you dont know, you have conversations in your head like this one to avoid talking to real people! "I don't think so,his name is Brian Elderson,He just dropped outta college." College?? How old is this guy? I should make friends with him, enough money to drop out of college! "College?How old is he?" "I'd guess about 18-20." Woah, what? Why? And how? "Okay, what is wrong with him?" That sounded insensitive, but mom knows what I mean, I hope. "He was paralyzed in a car crash, I dont think hes gonna be as easy, he was one of those hard-headed and strong-going kids, and now he thinks he useless." Hmm...did she Google him or something? "How do you know all this?" "Hes one of my co-workers son." Mom dosent care for her co-workers, but I've never heard the name 'Elderson' Before. "I've never heard you talk about anyone named Elderson." "I didn't even know he existed, but he over heard Elly and I talking about you and Mary." Elly was Mary's younger sister, though they didn't talk much, Elly was still acting like she was 20, Elly and Mary still cared about each others well being. A woman just walked in the door, and headed to the back corner table. "alright I've gotta go, an alien just walked in." Mom must have understood, because she hung up, or she was afraid it wasn't me talking and someone possessed me, either way I would be happy with. I went to take the woman's order, but before I could speak, the woman said "eggs and toast." I honestly dont know what I expect. We have menus glued under the glass tables. Do people know we serve other things then eggs? I relayed it to Dolores, who was dancing in the kitchen, but stopped immediately when she saw me. "Who is it?" Asked Dolores "Dunno, but she looks rich and official." " 'Rich and official' only you could come up with that." I rolled my eyes and went back to my barstool, and stare at the counter, it has a very interesting design, but not really. Rich and official. Those were the first words that came to my mind when I looked at her, She had blazing red hair and a black jumpsuit, she reminded me of a certain book charecter. I grab the plate of food Dolores slid on the counter in front of me, interupting my disecting of the counter design, and went back to the table and offered it to the woman. I handed it to the woman and went back to the barstool, the counter isnt as interesting anymore, but I continue to stare anyway. Me and Dolores spent the next half hour peeping around the corner at the woman like cannibals, but, she never came back, and we were back to the same few customers. This place is going to go bank-rupt soon, and there is nothing I can do about it, the helpless feeling is the worst, like theres a hole in my chest that little helpless bugs lay eggs. "Well, That kinda sucks." said Dolores "Yeah, What can we do about it though?" I say like wasn't just invisioning little mosquito like bugs laying eggs inside my heart. "What we need is a fundraiser." said Dolores. "Fundraiser? Like anyones gonna buy from our bakestand when they have way better food." I said pointing down the road at our rival restaurant rival. "Who said I was talking about a bakestand?" Oh, my brain just automatically guessed a bakestand since that's what most normal people do, my mistake. "Well what were you thinking?" "Dunno, Any ideas?" Well, then I guess we're going with the cookies and a wood stand! "No, not really." I say. "Do you know anyone who might be able to lend us some money even for a paint job?" Hmm...let me think, like anyone can afford paint around here, living in a poor town! Just peachy! "Everyone I know can't even afford their own paint." "That's what happens in a poor town, right?" Oh crap! She can read minds! Take cover! All my psycho thoughts hide under the tables! "Yeah." The door opens and coffee refills walk in the door, not literally, but that's all they ordered. “”“ "Well, I'm checkin' out for the day." said Dolores, she says it as if I dont know that she always leaves at the same time every day. "Yep, I'll just clean up and I'm leaving too." So I headed over to the one table that woman sat at and wiped it off, there really isnt anything else to do, so I head to my car. When I walked in the door, Gala greeted me by licking my face, she was tall enough when she stood on her back feet, as I am freakishly short for someone my age. Mom came out of her bedroom, carying her purse and her phone in the other, she looked disoriented about something. "Feeling alright mom?" Mom let out a sigh, this cant be good, she uselly only wears that face when somethings wrong, or she had a bad day at work, but thats pretty much the same thing. "Mary" She says. Mary what? Is she okay? "Is she okay?" "Kind of, she had a heart attack last night, the hospital just released her this morning to a nursing home." "They probably should have released her yet, right?" "No, they shouldn't have, but they dont think she has too much longer to live" Her voice wobbles at the end of her sentence, Even though Mary was old, she was still very close my mom and I, so losing her would be purely awful. "We're going to see her, right?" I dont know why I said that, we are obviously going to see her. "You think I'm gonna leave her by herself?" I feel worse with my mothers reply, it was rather harsh, so I know she is worried. "Your right,that was a stupid question" I followed her quietly to her car. She turned the key, it cranked and cranked, but didnt start. "We'll take my car." I say after mom gave up, the battery has been needing jumped every day for a while, and company's wont lower the flipping price of car batterys! It was a quiet and awkward ride, the home was about an hour away, sometimes its nice to just get in tje car and ride, with no plan as to where you re going, or what your even doing. But this is not a relaxing ride, Mary is laying in a hospital bed, probably not feeling too good, and she likes to talk to anyone and everyone, but shes probably by herself right now. Sometimes we can pull a radio signal, so I try, but I regret it. 'Deeper than The Holler' came on, it was mom and Dads song when they were in high school. Tears were swelling up in moms eyes, tears like a blade piercing my heart, slow and painful. I turned it off, I miss him too much, and its not safe to drive for my mom to drive with blurry vision. I clear my throat. "I'm sorry." Tears roll down my face as I choke on the words. "Sometimes," mom says "we need to let go, and get over the past, to be able to live in the present." She reached forward and turned the radio back up. I can't believe she just did that. The song that brought back so many memories, them dancing in the living room every time time it came on, their wedding song. She turned it back on. After my heart was drained of anything happy, she had the strength to turn it back on. She knew him better then I did. She went on trucking trips with him, he was a trucker. After Emily was born, Mom ha to stay home, every once in a while she would go with him. After I was born, she went with him even fewer places. Then Dylyla came along, Mom couldnt go at all. Dylyla doesnt even live with us anymore, she lives with Grandma. It really makes me mad when I think of it, mom wanted her to get her grades up, or she was going to make her take a break from cheerleading. Dylyla hated mom after that, but Grandma didnt help at all, she said Dylyla could live with her and not worry about education. “”“ One of the home workers led us to Mary's room. I followed mom and Alice, the worker, down a brown hallway, it smells like a Bingo room, anything that smelled nice before, was now overpowered by cheap perfume. Alice left us at the doorway, Mom headed in first. "How are you?" Mom asked, I just hovered around the end of the bed, like a bee unsure of itself, that is what I am, always unsure, of everything. Thats the thing about life, you may think its certain, but I've learned that it never is, its always changing, just like the tide, the whales are so sure they won't be beached, yet they still are. I realize mom and Mary are deep in conversation, I dont really hear it though. Finally, Mary looks away from Mom. "Well don't act like a stranger! Get over here!" I smile, makeing my way to hug her, she is always so happy. "Oh I missed you! That girl does nothing but chatter on her darn ol'phone!" I feel bad, I didn't realize that it had been so long since Saphy has been taking care of her, well, only two days, but still. I used to think your heart couldn't actually feel anything, it was just you telling yourself it could, but I was wrong. I walk over to chair in the corner of the room and sit down. I am not, will not, cry, not here, not for Mary to see. I feel the pain, the pain people talk about. The heartbreak. I didnt think it was possible, but it is. I dont want it to be, but it is, and there's nothing I can do. The door to the room is still open, I decide to close it, but as I do, I see a little girl, 10 maybe. She is crying. I can only imagine what for, but it can't be good. As quiet as I can, I make my way back to the chair, trying not to interupt the conversation they are back into. I can't feel anything. If I let any feelings in, they will all crumble. I straighten in my chair, put on a face, and push every feeling out, every last one. It worked, I have been trying it a lot lately, and it works now. ”“”“” I woke up at 4:00 the next morning. I dont need to be at work for another hour, but I decided to go in early. I dont think I can talk to Mom right now, she'll just try to comfort me, and words arent what I need right now, words are powerful, but not as powerful as a hug, or a day in the rain with a good book. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror, my cheeks are still blotchy from last night, I layed in bed and cried myself to sleep. It is very obvious now. I throw on some makeup, just concealer to cover up the redness. Very quietly let Gala outside, I dont want to wake mom, she has the day off. Once Gala is back in, I lead her back to moms room and close the door. ”“”“ As I pull around the corner to the restaurant parking lot, I notice how bland it looks. It kind of hides. It definitely needs an update. I make a quick turn to the dollar store, I know they have like tablecloths and stuff, but I dont know what to do for the outside. ”“”“ There are now tablecloths for all the tables, curtains hanging on the outside of the windows, it actually looks really nice. I also bouhht one of those door frame floral tapestry things. Dolores pulls in as I put on some coffee. "Well, well, Somebody's been doing some shopping!" Said Dolores as she came in the door. "Do you like it?" I ask "Yes! It looks so much better, I thought the place had been demolished and rebuilt!" "It doesnt look that different." In fact, it hardly looks different at all. But it is more noticeable, which is what I was going for. Noticeable, but not in your face, like the place down the road. Dolores went back out to her car, she fumbled around for a long time, then re-entered with a bundle of wires and metal. "Its a radio." she announced like it was gold. "Where did you get that?" "I uh, acquired it." I smile. "You didnt steal it, did you?" I ask raising my eyebrows. "No! Well, maybe, my Ex's truck quit running so I ripped this thing out before we broke up." "And you kept it?" I ask. "Of course I kept it! I also kept his 50 inch TV he just had to have!" She scowls, I knew she hated him, but not that much. She looks at me and lifts a finger to point at me. "Dont you dare say 'I told you so'!" "Well, if you had listened-" I smile and bite my lip at her face, like A warning from an angry toddler. I'm trying so hard to hold in a laugh that I almost choke. "Stop! Its not funny!" Dolores exclaims. "You're right, its not funny. Not one bit." Then we both laugh. After a while, it turns into us doubled over with our mouths open like sick walruses. There no audible laughs. I can only imagine what we look like right now. Crap. Someone just came in the door, Dolores walks to the stove, hiding behind the wall, but I can still hear her laughing. I take a deep breath and walk over to the guys table. "What so funny?" He asks with a smile. "Actually," I say "I dont even know!" "One of those things, eh?" He says. "Yes. What would you like today?" "Eggs and coffee." He says. I walk to the coffee pot and pour a cup. When I go back to the table, he asks if I know his sister. "Whos your sister?" I ask, I already know I don't know her, but I dont what him to think I can read minds or do crazy crap like that. "Jane Brown" he says with a kind of longing in his eyes. "No, I don't think so." I know so, but he doesn't look too happy right now, nor does he look like he had a good relationship with her, since he hasnt looked up from his coffee. "Nah, I didn't figure, ain't nobody seen 'er." His eyes actually have tears in them. Should I sit down and comfort him? She I leave him to his feelings? I decide to pull out a chair and sit down, I still dont know if its a good call. "What does she look like?" I ask. "Hang on." he says as he fumbles in his pocket for his phone. He shows me a picture of a girl with short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. "We weren't very close when we were kids, but just as we worked out our issues, she was gone." he says, his eyes not really focused on anything. "And did she she say where she was going?" "Oh, I know where she went, but she aint in good shape." I feel like I shouldnt ask any more, so I dont but soon he is deep in his story of his sister, how she got in an unhealthy relationship, and the guy "poisened her brain" And that she wouldnt be coming back anytime soon. And that he was hoping she would come back home soon. As he talks, I notice green flecks in his blue eyes. I look away from his eyes as I realize that I shouldnt be looking at a stranger that way. But he does look to be around my age. Stop thinking like that! I tell myself, but I dont listen. After he was finished talking, I say "You know, my little sister is like that, expects to have the world handed to her. She lives with my grandma now" He looks at me and smiles, a smile he has probably practiced in the mirror. "Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?" He asks, still smiling. Heat rushes through my cheeks. I tuck my hair behimd my ear, hoping he doesnt notice how red my cheeks are. "No, why?" I shift in my chair. Yes, sitting down was the right choice. He laughs, a small laugh, but it sends a chill through my stomach. "I think you know why." He says. Now, the chill turns into a sickening feeling. I'm being called pretty by a stranger. Kind of creepy, ain't it? Dolores hollers around the corner. "Eggs and coffee on the love boat." I look back at him as I walk to get the plate, surprised to see him looking at me. "Thanks for that." I hiss at Dolores, who looks very pleased with herself. As I set the plate at his table, he looks at me, I'm not sure what to do, and I'm getting a little uncomfortable, I've never had an experience like this before. "I'm John, by the way." "Selina." I say and walk back to the kitchen and hide behind the wall. Dolores is plugging in the radio. I walk up behind her. "Dont you dare turn that on!" She looks up and smiles. "Why not?" She asks innocently. "Because the only station we can pull in is a love song station, and I know what you'll do!" "Okay, you dont have to lecture me!" "Okay, just...don't do anything." I walk over to a cormer amd lean up against the wall, I close my eyes. ”“”“” When I hear the bell above the door ring, I walk to clean up the table. I find a napkin with a phone number on it. I look behind me to make sure Dolores isnt watching, and shove the napkin in my pocket. I try to fight my smile, but I can't, so I just bite my lip to try to conceal it. I carry the plate and bill back and set them on the counter. I'll deal with it later. "Did he leave his number on the bill?" Dolores asks. "No," it isn't a lie, because it wasnt on tje bill. "And never will, so will you just knock it off?" "Ha! Not a chance." She answers. "Besides," she says "you could use some pointers." "Pointers? From the girl that just stole her Ex's radio?" "Hey! After 5 years of dealing with his crap, I think I have a right to a radio that was going in the dump anyway." I roll my eyes at her. I really wish I had a book that I could hide behind right now. Sadly, I still dont have any deals. Dolores is pulling out a small bag from her other huge bag. "How many bags do you have in one bag?" I ask. "7." She answers like its not obscure to carry around more than one huge bag. "What is that one for?" I ask. She pulled out a glittery purple one and set it on the counter. "If you want to make a good impression," She says. "For who?" I interrupt, I know who, and what, she means, but I'm never gonna even see him again anyway. "You know. The one you were just swooning over." "No," I say "I'm am not participating in your little plan here. Besides, you know how many girls he probably leaves his number to? Too many for me to care." She scans me like a lie-detector. But I'm not lying, I dont really want to be seeing someone who goes into random resteraunts and talks about his personal life to some waitress. I feel like I'm lying. But I'm not. Am I? No. Really though, who goes and tells a stranger about their psycho sister? Probably someone who will tell anyone anything, even if its none of their business. "Fine," Dolores says. "If you dont want a little romamce in your life, that's your choice." She says as she puts all her bags back in her bag. "That wasnt romance," I say, "That was a guy complaining about his sister. What's 'Romantic' about that?" She shrugs her shoulders. "I dont know, maybe because he chose you to talk to." "He didnt 'choose' me! Besides, if you would have went over there, he would have talked to you." "Okay then! Tomorrow, when he comes back, I will go wait on him, see what he says then." "You just do that," I say, sitting down on the barstool. "And good luck, because he wont be back." "Right." Dolores mumbles. But, I dont know what shes planning, because he aint gonna be back. Chapter 2 I get back in my car, and let out a sigh. I had a meeting with the Eldersons, I guess they wanted to see how I was, no one has ever wanted a visit before. Its refreshing to finally smell fresh air. The air in the house was full of air fresheners, I would almost bet that it smelled better without all the fragrances. They were pretty nice, I guess. Emma, Brians mom, asked me things like what I have in mind for my future amd small-talk like that. But nothing really related to care-giver work. Maybe she was just testing me. She is leaving her son with me, after all. “”“” When I get home, Mom is popping popcorn on the microwave. Gala is at her feet begging. "Gala! You user puppy!" I say as I bend down to pet her. "I figured we could use a movie night" Mom says as she piches the popcorn bag and puts it all in one big bowl. "We havent done that since Dylyla left." "No, we haven't, and since its just you and me, you can pick the movie." "You say that like you dont know what I will pick." My mom knows I have two favorite movies. That is one thing I told her. "Hm. Half-Blood Prince, or Divergent?" She asks. That is a hard choice, its been a while for both. "Which would you rather watch?" I ask "I cant make up my mind." She smiles, I already know what shes going to pick. "Harry Potter, Baby!" She says. ““”“ I wake up tired. We ended up watching all 8 Harry Potter movies, and all 3 Divergent Movies. We probably should have gone to bed earlier, but, we you are handed movies like that, theres no telling how long you'll be awake. We probably should have waited for the weekend. We both have to work today, and Emma wants to meet "Privatly without the family." I don't know what that's about, but I imagine since Colin, her youngest son, was being pretty distracting, she wants a more focused setting. We are meeting at a park at 3:00, but I dont get off until 4:00, so I'll have to talk to Dolores. She'll probably cover for me, not that it matters, no one is ever there. I slept through my alarm, so I hurry and dress, then run through the house like a ninja finding food. ”“” When I get there, Dolores is already there. Normally, I'm here way before she is. "Is everything alright?" She asks when I come in the door. "Yeah, Mom and I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning." I say as I tie on my apron. "Why in the world would you do that?" She asks. "Oh, you know, Harry Potter." I answer, smiling. "Ah, I see. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. Did you get a call last night?" She asks. I look at her questoningly. "What do you mean?" I ask. I feel clueless, like I should known what shes talking about. "Wow, you really must have missed a lot of sleep." She says. "I'm sorry, I'm not following you." I say. "Obviously! I'm talking about flirty-pants." I roll my eyes at her. She needs to drop it. "Will you please stop! This isnt some Insta-romance story. So knock it off, I already told you, hes probably some creeper. I'm not even looking for a relationship." I say to clear things up. I guess she took the hint because she just shook her head, but didnt say anything. I stay on the barstool for a while, but after a little bit, these seats get really uncomfortable. I go over to a booth and lay down. Before I know it I'm asleep, not remembering my last thought. I'm awoken by music blaring from the kitchen. Dolores must have gotten the radio working. I sit up, involuntarily groaning. I walk over to the kitchen, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and turn off the radio. Dolores comes out of the bathroom. "Why did you shut it off? And why do you look like a zombie?" She asks, but all I can do is glare at here. My mouth wont form words right now. I go back to the booth, but don't lay down, instead I stare out the window, wondering if penguins have knees. Soon, cars and people and bikes going by are just blures of color. I dont even her Dolores when she walks over. I dont notice until she blocks my view. "Here." She throws my phone into my lap. I pick it up, there a million texts from my mom, and a few missed calls. 'are you ok?' 'why arent you answering?' 'seriously, reply!' I keep scrolling, more of the same. Her texts look panicky, I immediately think the worst. Then I see the first text. 'hey sweety, she passed away, I'm sorry.' I can't see anything. My vision is blurry with tears. I feel Dolores' hand on my arm. An attempt at comfort, but we both know shes not good at it. I stare at my hands, this time, I'm going to let my tears come. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone, and I was not there for her. I wasnt there. And now shes gone. Gone. The word repeats in my head, as if on a broken record. It won't leave. It wont stop. And neither will the tears. Maybe she is in a better place. Maybe shes up there with her Mom, her Dad, her brother. I lean forward and put my head in my hands. I feel Dolores rubbing my back. She met her. Once. I feel like a wimp. Sitting here, crying. Its not who I am. But then again, who am I? I don't know. Not anymore. We should have visited her last night. Instead of watching movies. We should have. I cant think straight right now. What did I do after Dad died? I don't know. I dont remember. Not now. But I went through it once before I look at Dolores. She has a small tear in her eyes. More from sympathy, it looks like. "You can go home." She says before I can even ask. I lean over and side hug her. Sniff, and shove my phone in my pocket. I take off my apron and hang it on the hook. I walk out to my car. Crank the engine, and pull out. I feel numb. Too numb. I feel like I should be feeling something. Other than a blade in my chest. That's it. That's all I can feel. ““”“ When I get home, Gala is ready to lick my tears away. I sit down on the floor, and Gala and I stare into each others eyes, for a long time. Sometimes, I think animals understand things better then humans. Animals will put aside everything they have wrong. Humans are wrapped up in their own problems, that they wont put aside. Animals are truly a blessing. I feel bad for the unfortunate souls that dont like animals. The wall phone rings. I get up and check my voice to make sure it will work. "Hello?" "Hello, this is Emma, are we still meeting?" "Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I forgot, I'll be on my way! I'm so sorry." "Don't worry about it, I heard what happened." "Y-you did? From who?" I try to sound curious, not demanding. I dont know if it worked. "Oh, your mother told me this morning." "Oh, ok, I'm on my way." I hang up and run to the mirror. Blotches. Of course. I put on more makeup. Grab my purse. I'm out the door before I realize. Emma is already sitting on a park bench, holding a book, as gentle as if it could crumble in her finger tips. She looks beautiful with her hair blowing around. Her son definatly looks more like her than his dad. I step out of the car, Emma hears the car door shut, she carefully sets the book on top of her purse, when I get closer, I realize its a journal. "Hello!" She starts walking towards me, I'm walking toward her, I'm feeling very awkward, should I stop walking? I'm taken by surprise when she hugs me, as if we are long lost friends. Lost. The word rings in my head and I think of Mary. No. I wont think of her right now. Too late. My eyes are watery. "I'm so sorry to hear what happened." Emma says with a sorrowful look on her face. She's a nice woman. I've met her once, briefly. And she is already pitiful for me. I don't think that is normal. But maybe Ive never met a truly nice person before. Maybe I have. I dont remember them if I have, but I remember all the rude people who will shove me out of the way at the grocery store. Or flip me off in traffic. Or the man who killed my father. I will always remember his face. Permanently etched in my brain. People can't forget something when it affected them so badly. Thats not how the mind works, unfortunately. It would be wonderful if I could just tell myself to forget something. I would be much happier. Or would I? Maybe. Maybe not. "Well, at least shes in a better place now." I say. My eyes flick up to the sky. I hope thats where she is. I look down and stare at my shoes. Emma goes and sits on the bench. She moves her purse and beckons for me to sit. I walk over. Awkwardly. The bench is short, so we're only about a half an inch apart. I bring my shoulders forward to keep from brushing her. I dont know why though. I just feel uncomfortable. "I would like to ask you something." Emma says, "I hope these questions arent too annoying for you, I'm just a curious person." I look up at her and shake my head. "No, youre fine, I understand, I mean, you are leaving your son with me." I flash a quick smile at her. "Ok then!" She says. "Why did you choose to become a care giver at such a young age?" She lowers her voice towards the end of her sentence. I decide to give her the truth. Though I've never actually told anyone. They ask. But I just tell them I like helping people. "I watched both my Dad and my Grandpa die. It was hard. But I figured I could lie and wollow in my self pity, or I could help other people going through the same thing they did." I shrug. I want it to sound casual. But how casual is talking about your dead relatives to a stranger? She rubs my arm, like I'm her daughter, or younger sister. She seems like she could put aside her problems, or maybe she already has. I dont know. I dont know a lot these days. I dont know her, but shes nice. I dont know Brian, but he looks like her. I dont know Colin, but he's a good kid. I dont know my little sister, but I miss her. I dont know. I dont know. It rings over and over and over in my head. I want all of this to stop. I want everything to go black so I can curl up and forget everything. I want it to stop. How? How can it stop, when its real? "I know how youre feeling." Emma says. How? How could anyone know what I'm thinking, when we're all so different? Maybe we aren't different at all. Beating heart. Breathing lungs. Blinking eyes. Its all the same. Or is it? I'm questioning everything I know. Why? Because I'm not sure anyone knows for sure. Maybe they do. Right now, I vow to never think anything is certain. Even if I want to. "You do?" I ask. I'm still staring at the grass. I didnt even realize. But I dont look at something else. Maybe I'm being rude. "Yes. I went through the same thing when I lost my baby. I wanted to give up on everything. And everyone. I just wanted to curl up in a ditch and think of nothing. But I finally realized that there is so much around me. Everything is so much more then meets the eye." She looks around at the trees, the cars, and the children playing. Then I realize, the trees look like theyre swaying in the wind. But they're producing oxygen, they're housing insects amd lives smaller then we can see. The cars look like theyre driving themselves. There is someone inside, giving instructions to an engine that moves everything else. The children look like they're just sliding down slides. But theyre pretending to be superheroes, gliding through the sky like birds. How could I be so narrow-minded? There is too much worth remembering to just give up. I was focusing on the negative. When there is way more positive I could have been thinking of. "Yeah, sometimes I forget that." I say. "Not just you, I think everyone forgets it occasionally. Nothing to worry about, just something to be aware of." She reaches down and puts the journal back onto her purse, which just slid off. "Can I ask you something?" I ask. "You just did, didnt you?" She says smiling. I smile back. Like I'm with an old best friend. I feel comfortable enough to go ahead and ask. "Whos journal is that?" I ask pointing at the old book. The thread is fraying at the spine. It still smells like leather. Like its been in a box for years. "Its my moms. I found it a few years after she died. But I just now got the guts to read it. Im glad I did. I'm learning alot from my 14 year old mom." She looks at me quizingly. I feel like she is going to ask me something I wont know how to answer. "How is your relationship with your mom?" I knew it. I frickin foretold that! "Well, I mean. Its good, I guess." I feel like an idiot. I love my mom. But is that enough? I dont know. When I listen to music, they say love is the most powerful thing ever. But is love alone enough? It doesnt seem like it, but then again, what more could you give? I don't know. "I guess it isnt perfect. But I love her. Is love enough?" I ask. She seems wise and honest, I'm quickly comfortable around her. Even more then with Dolores. But Dolores seems always pre-occupied with her own thoughts, Emma isn't. I dont know how she does it. "Well, the feeling of love is enough, but just saying 'I love you' is not enough. You have to show that someone what they mean. You cant just tell them. They have to feel it. It sounds cliche. And probably overused, but its overused because its true. Why would anyone say it over and over if it isnt true? They wouldn't. Or theyre just good at acting." She says. Yes, very wise. But why use the word acting? Instead of lying? "Isnt acting and lying the same thing?" I ask. "No, not necessarily. Lying is making something up, just to see how it works. Acting is believing that something is false, but somewhere in them, they might just believe that its true, or vice-versa, depending on how you look at it." That answer is satisfying enough. But I have one more that is buzzing in the back of my head. "Do you believe that everyone is unique? Or that we are all the same?" I ask. I should be asking these questions to my mom, but I'm not. "Well, what I believe is very complex. Yes, I believe we are all unique. But I also believe we are connected by some invisible line. The same line that allows us to feel someone staring at us from yards away." She says. I wonder what school she went to that teaches this stuff. Or did she learn it on her own. "Where did you learn all this stuff?" I ask, calmly, not demanding, or insistent, just curiously. "That's the thing, I dont know any of this for sure, but its things I've thought about while sitting in silence." She looks at me quizingly again. "Do you listen to music, Selina?" She asks. Again, I'm going to answer honestly, I feel like I'm getting an honest overdose. This is the most honest I've been in years. "Yes, like when its quiet. I dont like to be alone with my own thoughts." I lean forward and pick up the blade of grass that I was staring at previously and start folding and ripping it. "Sometimes, we can learn from our thoughts. Sometimes, its better to be in quiet. Music is great too! But sometimes, say 15 minutes a day, we should be in silence." She says. We are again deep in conversations, about beliefs, wonders, and everything between. For a minute, I forget about my griefs. But grieving is useless. What good does it do anyway? Besides allow you to feel sorry for yourself? It does nothing besides that, at least in my experience with it. It might work for other people, to maybe let go of something. But is that really grief? I dont think so. Maybe it is. Who knows for certain? How many certain things are there really? I make a mental list. God. Family. Hope. Faith. Gravity. Oxygen. ?. Thats all I can think of. Maybe Love? No. Love could be a lie. This is a list of completely certain things. Yes, I love my mom, but thats what family is. So love is not included in this list. Is that a good or a bad thing? ”“” I'm back home. Emma and I talked until sunset. I still don't know what the purpose was in her mind. But I'm glad we met. I feel like a veil has been lifted. One that was blurring my vision of the world. I dont think I should base my thoughts off of what one person says. But, its a start. I should ask what other people think of the world. I make another mental list. Mom. Dolores. Emily. Dylyla. Yes, I will ask Dylyla, I want her back home. I miss her. But I won't grieve. Its useless. Maybe I will. I'll count to 10, let the grieve come in. Then push it out. 1 2 3 Why? 4 How? 5 Why? 6 What is this pain? 7 Is it my fault? 8 Will I really see them again? 9 What if I don't? 10 I let out an internal scream. Then its gone. Its gone! I will do this every time. I feel light. Like a feather. A feather that attached to a bird. A bird that is very intelligent. A bird that is hungry, but full at the same time. That is a very conflicting idea. But it makes sense to me. And that's all that matters, right? As long as I understand what one person means, my life is not wasted. Even if that one person is myself, or Emma, or Mom, or Emily, or even a stranger on the street. Thats what I believe. Is it though? Is that what I really believe? Yes, it is. And I need to stop questioning myself so much. I need to stop a lot of things. But right now, I'm focusing on, well, focusing. I need to really look at the world. Then I will really look at myself. I will fix what I need to fix. But if its fine, why fix it? Why not improve it? Yes, that sounds good. That's what I will keep in the back of my mind. Like a sticky note on the walls of my mind, I will write it big enough to see from anywhere in my mind. I pretend I'm ripping all the other notes on the wall away. The notes that don't matter. "Grief" "Self-pitty" "Why?" I keep ripping. And I rip them all away. There are only a few left. "Famliy" "Hope" "Faith" "Learning" "Realizing" Those are the only good notes I made. I will add more to my mind-walls soon. As soon I learn more, as soon as I get my family back together, as soon as I find hope again, as soon as I find faith, as soon as I realize how amazing this world actually is. Until then, this is all that matters. I crawl into bed. I'm asleep immediately.

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tumblunni · 5 years

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Man i'm remembering how raw all of Nami's early arcs were in One Piece and how much it sucks that she just got completely sidelined later on and increasingly turned into a sex symbol as well as being pushed further into the box of 'token weak normal human who can never win a fight' while usopp eventually escaped it. Oh except she can sometomes win sexualized fights against other sexualized women. *sigh* That moment where she got fuckin assualted ny an invisible man while naked in the shower and it was all played as sexy to the audience and sanji makes a shitty joke about wishing he had the invisible power to perv on girls and then EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT NAMI gets some damn resolution on beating up invisibiluty asshole and its clear the whole thing was just an excuse for the author to show tits and her feelings dont really matter. Oh and the fuckin literal soap bath battle with the lady whose power is magic soap that makes people extra slippery and shiny like JESUS CHRIST BRO

Anyway lets not go on for an hour about the bad nami stuff and instead remember the great stuff!

Like that FUCKIN RAW moment in her backstory arc where theyve played the reveal of her being part of Arlong's crew SO WELL that you genuinely cant tell if she was really evil all along and is really betraying everyone. And then they slap you right in the face with what seems to be a scene of her murdering usopp! And its just done so damn great and dark and shocking, like right down to the framing of it where it looks like he escaped for a second and then he barely has time to gasp out a word before she stabs him. And they let this ride for a decently long amount of time too before revealing she's not evil after all. Just enough time to sink in and make you believe it! And the circumstances of the reveal are SO DAMN GREAT, yo! I think its straight up the most badass heroic thing anyone has ever done in the entire series and i hate how it doesnt get remembered much or aknowledged as much as the bigger more dramatic fights.

Cos you see...yeah Nami was not in fact evil and was just pretending to be loyal to these villains because theyd been blackmailing her for years ans she had a plan to trick her way out of it and wanted to keep her friends safe from being involved (and loads of other complex shit!) But she REALLY FUCKIN DEDICATED HERSELF TO HER ACTING cos she knew just how damn dangerous these bastards are and how much it was gonna take to fool them. The real reason Usopp got cut off mid sentence into a strangled scream is because Nami stabbed HERSELF to fake killing him! She wrecked the shit out of her arm and rubbed the blood on him and told him to stay down, and then managed to not let out the slightest sound of her pain and continue pulling off her amazing fake villain acting while bleeding out underneath her sleeve. Its not really brought up again but from the degree of how goddamn much she injured that hand and how she wasnt able to get it treated until after HOURS OF HIDING THE PAIN, it probably would have left her with permenant muscle spasms and difficulty moving her fingers. And she's a mapmaker so thats an injury that would really affect her career for the rest of her life. She risked all that to save a friend who believed she'd betrayed him and was 100% down to fight at that moment! Like seriously they also had some great development with usppp realizing he was wrong and working hard to overcome his cowardliness and put his own life on the line to help save Nami later on. It was such a good arc!!

Oh and of course theres the entire context to this whole thing that this villain group actually murdered nami's mother when she was a kid and groomed her into joining them. And right from the age of like six years old she was already planning how to out-manipulate the manipulators and gain the trust enough to take revenge someday. And she faked joining the villains, faked being fine with it, faked not mourning her goddamn mom. She let herself be treated like a heartless demon child by everyone she ever knew, so she could make these monsters believe she'd betrayed them and thus someday save them all. Save all those people who never even fuckin believed in her! And the villain dude fuckin branded her like a cow and she was so traumatized she tried to dig the tattoo out with a knife and seriously man her left arm must be so damn scarred and i hate that they dont atually show it just cos 'she's gotta be sexy'. They used to show the scar underneath her life-affirming happier replacement tattoo, but it just got phased out around the same time her waist became 2cm wide...

Also it really fuckin sucked that this arc just ended with Nami's decade long plan to save her family failing and she cries into the dirt and then all the male characters save her aand defeaat the bad guy instead. Even worse that this started becoming a trend where every new arc from now on would have some sort of femle character who was very sad and her grand character development was admitting she needed luffy to save her and then everyone else except her gets to defeat the bad guy she has this deep personal reason to want to defeat. Sigh!

So yeh seriously Oda i know ur tryin real damn hard to amp every damn battle as the biggest thing ever now but nothing will ever be bigger than back when you had more simple fully realized concepts that gave the whole cast time to shine and aalso very specifocally nami who was the best most goddamn engaging character and you suddenly somehow forgot this. "Woman who is so much of a damn hero that she'd stab herself to save her friends who didnt even believe she wasnt evil" is like the fucking apex of what this series has ever achieved and i wpuld personally like to remember her always as the way she was in that moment.

Also seriously it would have been way better if nami got to contribute towards defeating arlong AT ALL, and especiaally if she could have dealt the final blow. Like yeah she isnt some beastly strong superpowers guy like luffy and co, but it would have been so satisfying to see all her intelligence and planning pay off! Instead of just bullshit 'arlong somehow magically knew everything she was ever planning and he only let her believe he was fooled so he could have fun shooting down her hopes when she got so close'. Nah yknow what would have been really satisfying and great? If we still had that moment but then it was revealed nami actually double-doublecrossed him! Like he's boasting about seeing through her whole plan and then suddenly he stumbles and realizes she poisoned his drink or something. Would have been extra mega double triple satisfying if this was after him actually beating all the main brawn-over-brain characters in a physical fight, and it looked like our heroes were all doomed but she managed to take down this guy they couod never hope to defeat. Though some very simple clever trick that he never expected because he underestimated her. And also this could work well to introduce the seven warlords kf the sea without immediately undercutting them, like if we clearly show that arlong actually WAS wildly out of their league and they genuinely could not defeat one of the warlords at their current power level, they just got lucky with a creative solution. That would have worked better than having zoro fight mihawk for literally no reason except 'i wanna prove im stronger than mihawk'. Srsly so much of zoro's goddamn honor shit seems so dumb on a rewatch, he outright stabs himself to give himself a handicap cos something sonething honor, and refuses to accept help because honor and fights people who didnt wanna fight him because honor and generally this looks more like signs of the man being suicidal, geez! Also stabbing yourself for no reason is nowhere near as raw as stabbing yourself to save a friend. Also zoro fuckin passed out from blood loss and nami not only didng do that but also completely hid her injury from a literal shark man who can smell blood. And stared him right in the face and lied about murdering her best friend. Nami is the highest goddamn power tier in one piece and if the creator cant figure that out then i have no interest in reading any more of it

WE ARE NAMI STANS FIRST AND HUMANS SECOND

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