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nikkoliferous · 4 years

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Phase One: Thor

Since I was looking up my past live-blog of the novel and realising how annoying and repetitive reading through it all is because of my having structured it as a bunch of reblogs, I’ve decided to organize it all into one long-ass post instead. In case anyone else wants to read it in the future. Or in case I decide to re-read it. Because I’m hilarious. 😅

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

My Hilarious Yet Wrathful Overview Of Phase One: Thor, Redux

—

If your son who’s to become king requires a babysitter to not screw it all up and also the idea of him being king is stressful enough to put you into a coma, maybe, uh… reconsider doing that? Just a thought.

But you see here why Odin was so deadset on Thor becoming king, despite him being ill-suited for the role. It’s not about what’s best for Asgard; it’s about personal legacy. Thor is Odin’s mini me, and Loki is very much not. There are places within the text where Odin laments Thor “lacking his father’s wisdom” (he’s definitely inherited your humility, though, Odin!), but he hopes for Thor to grow into a “wise king” like himself. Whereas he holds no such illusions (lol, pun) that Loki will ever take after him.

now with tag commentary! #this scene is in the script and both novelizations #(though in reading this novel seems to just be a more complete version of the junior novel? #idk i'm confused because they're supposedly written by different authors but so far the text is identical) #and it drives me insane each time i read it

“Haha, I’m a warmongering piece of shit, isn’t it funny?”

I know, I know. I try to cut Asgard some slack for being such a militaristic culture because social changes happen slowly and when you live for thousands of years per generation, it makes sense that your views on things like war would be regressive. The text says Odin has ruled Asgard for tens of thousands of years (so much for taking Loki’s “give or take 5,000 years” line literally; sure, the Odinsleep would have extended Odin’s lifespan, but by that much? Idk).

Still, fuck Odin. Especially since he’ll eventually try to shame Loki for doing the same thing he’s fucking boasting about here. And on a much smaller scale too.

…is it, though?

I actually think Loki’s relationship with being the centre of attention is really interesting in its complexity and we don’t discuss it enough. I’ve said this before, but he strikes me as the sort of person who craves attention but also wouldn’t really know what to do with it if he had it. He craves it as a result of neglect, because he’s never been shown recognition or validation. This is why he seems to revel in it in Stuttgart, even in (or maybe especially in?) his brainwashed state. But he also frequently comes across as pretty introverted and has horrible self-esteem, so I think on another level, sustained, genuine attention would make him feel kind of uncomfortable. Loki seems to believe that in order to be loved or respected, he has to literally be Thor, though. And Thor has always been the centre of attention, so for Loki, attention is synonymous with respect.

I find Loki’s relationship with wanting attention especially fascinating because I too both crave and fear it. As a borderline, I need it. When no one is paying attention to me, I lose my sense of identity. I feel as though I literally cease to exist. It’s excruciatingly painful. And yet, I have no authentic sense of self; I’m just a chameleon, and the closer people get to me, the more likely it is they’ll see behind my mask. They’ll realise it’s all a show and that I’m actually no one. And then they’ll leave. I can’t help wondering if that’s how Loki feels sometimes too.

Wait, what? You mean goat. His horns are shaped like a goat’s. This is a ram:

This is a goat:

This is Loki:

Do you see now? They’re like a goat. Not a ram. Not a cow. A GOAT.

This book was written before Ragnarok was a thing, so it may be unfair to connect the two, but it still seems worth noting that it was Thor who reduced Loki to being no more than a trickster to begin with. “You could be more,” my ass. Loki’s problem has never been that he was one-dimensional; it was always that the people in his life, including Thor, refused to see any other dimensions to him. Which makes those words particularly cruel—as if they aren’t cruel enough already, what with the physical torture and all.

Always happy to have cause to point out that

Loki was on Thor clean-up duty their whole lives; he certainly was not trying to kill Thor.

People like to point to Loki’s attempted genocide of the Jötnar and attempted(-ish? lol) conquest of Earth as proof that he’s some kind of violent maniac. But in a little place I like to call reality, Loki was historically far less aggressive and bloodthirsty than his peers.

Question: why is one conqueror evil and the other is righteously entitled to ruling over the Nine Realms?

Asgardian exceptionalism FTW

I can’t even begin to imagine what would lead you to expect such a thing, Odin. 😂

Uh, ‘cause it is?? And also their planet is MELTING without it??

This is all only within the first two chapters, btw. Lmao

—

“Looking for answers,” my foot.

YOU WOULD THINK SO, WOULDN’T YOU??

#i mean unless you knew heimdall #he only commits treason on days that end in y

—

What’d I say? Thor clean-up dutyyyyy

Just wanna remind everyone that this

is why he’s smiling during this scene

because it makes me laugh every time. 😂

—

My heart breaks every time I remember that second excerpt because literally ALL OF IT happened to him when he survived falling through the wormhole. My poor boy. 😭

But also of note… Loki gets cold (and also does not like being cold). This interests me because 1) as many are aware, the prevalent headcanon that Loki has a low body temperature irritates me and 2) it possibly(?) lends weight to the theory that he may not be fully Jötun, whether by virtue of his birth or Odin’s spell.

Haha, look at this Feminist Icon™ trying to take credit for his female friend’s accomplishments! Truly inspiring.

#for some reason the ragnarok lovers have somehow decided that thor is both a feminist and lesbian icon #whatever that means 🤷‍♀️ #and i'm still trying very hard to figure out why #is it literally just because he *says* he respects women or whatever in that dumb rambly conversation with valkyrie?

Ooh… you were so close to getting the point, Volstagg. So close. Take your tongue off Odin’s boot for just a couple minutes longer.

Also, the author just forgot the name of the Casket. How did this book get published? 😂

JUST LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, HUH?

Because fuck Loki, amirite? He, uh… he’s a prince too, you know.

Also… Fandral, you dweeb 😂

…am I reading too much into this, or did Odin just literally forget that Loki exists?

On the other hand, the author also seemed to forget Loki existed for most of this chapter, so who knows. 🤷‍♀️

lmao @ Jane immediately trying to convince herself she’s too rational to be attracted to a stranger

Honestly, though, big mood.

Just your periodic reminder that Thor’s sycophantic friends KNEW Loki was right and decided to throw him under the bus anyway.

Just as I’ve always said: That was it. That was their ENTIRE rationale. That Loki *could* have done it, therefore he must have. Please tell me these people have nothing to do with Asgard’s justice system.

…lol, jk, Asgard has no justice system.

Ok, first of all, no.

Second: thank you, Fandral. You’re a self-absorbed cad, but also evidently Thor’s least stupid friend.

Thirdly, how…? First, it was, “Loki arranged all this because he’s jealous of Thor.” Now they’ve suddenly jumped all the way to, “All of Asgard is in danger.” What exactly does Sif think Loki is planning? He’s gonna, what… assassinate Odin and then sell Asgard to the Jötnar?

—

Please stop hurting me.

Just so there’s no confusion: this one sentence explains everything Loki did for the rest of the movie. It explains how a person who has been historically non-aggressive suddenly transforms into a warmonger. To prove himself a real Asgardian, like his brother and father and grandfather.

—

…why did Odin fall into the Odinsleep in two completely different scenes in this book? I’m super confused.

Also, we really need to talk about how cruel it is of Marvel to keep forcing Loki to prove his loyalty again and again and again when he’s been doing so almost literally since we met him. And by “we need to talk about it”, I mean I need to tie Kevin Feige and co. to a chair and spend a minimum of five hours lecturing them on how poorly they understand their own fucking character.

Let’s just be clear here: they’re talking about Loki. They’re saying Loki, their LEGITIMATE king, is an enemy of Asgard, based on evidence so paper-thin it’s practically invisible. Just… please, let that sink in. Take a moment to appreciate how utterly fucked up that is.

I’m sorry (not really), but Thor was so much funnier before Ragnarok.

This scene has always kind of bugged me. If Odin removed Thor’s powers, how come he can still control the weather? Confusing.

So what exactly was Thor’s plan anyway, before he realised he couldn’t lift Mjölnir? He was just gonna call on Heimdall to help him commit treason AGAIN, show up on Asgard against the expressed command of his king, and… Odin would just shrug and be like, “You got me, son! I guess I can’t keep you down. Welcome home!”?

…I mean, I guess that more or less is what happened in the end, but it’s hard to imagine it would have still gone down that way without all the stuff that happened with Loki. Idk.

#look what i'm saying is... thor is not exactly a thinking person #no one on asgard is a thinking person #except loki but he's crazy now so he's also thinking somewhat poorly lol

Cool, Thor. Now imagine feeling that way for ONE THOUSAND YEARS and develop a little fucking empathy for your brother.

But you won’t.

You’ll brush off his feelings of worthlessness as “imagined slights”. 😒

Nice that somebody knows how the royal line of succession works, I guess…

That sound you hear? Yeah, that’s just my heart breaking. NBD.

First, they mislabelled it the Casket of Eternal Winters. Now it’s the Cask of Ancient Winters. Author must have been thirsty when they wrote this. Lol

Look, not to nitpick, but this is not the recommended procedure when you see a storm that you don’t believe is of supernatural origin coming. I’m just saying. Lol

Uh… ‘cause he is?? And your pals are committing treason AGAIN, Thor, so it technically is responding to a threat to Asgard. Just FYI.

Anyways, this is an important point that doesn’t get made often enough. People want to act like Loki illegally usurped the throne somehow, but even without the deleted scene that explicitly shows Frigga passing rulership to him (a scene which is, for some reason, entirely skipped over in this book, but whatever), understand this: Loki could not have controlled the Destroyer unless he was legitimately King of Asgard. The fact that he’s able to do so is irrefutable proof that his rulership is valid.

lmao you little shit

So… here’s my issue with this scene (and with Thor as a character): He always assumes that Loki’s acting out specifically to hurt him. That Loki’s entire life and thought process revolves around Thor. He does it in this scene, he does it in The Avengers… it’s just a chronic thing with Thor. Everything is viewed through the lens of Loki inexplicably hating him.

But that’s… just not accurate. Yes, Loki harbours a lot of jealousy towards Thor. But that’s not what’s happening in this scene. Loki is not trying to kill Thor here because he wants him dead; he’s doing it because Thor (and his friends) are getting in the way of Loki completing his ultimate goal. Loki tried to solve this problem non-violently, by lying about Odin being dead. It’s Thor’s friends who all but forced his hand by going behind his back and trying to bring Thor back to Asgard against Loki’s (and Odin’s!) direct orders.

For all the humility he’s learned in the past few days, this entire speech is still really all about Thor. About assuming that Loki’s doing this for personal reasons, because he holds a grudge against Thor for some unknown reason. This is implicit in his request to “take [my life] and end this.” It never even occurs to him that his friends are traitors to the Crown and Loki, as King of Asgard, is perhaps justified in pursuing them.

It also needs to be acknowledged that Thor’s apology here is hollow, even if it’s ultimately coming from his heart, because he has no idea what he’s apologising for. “Whatever I have done to wrong you” is not an apology. An apology addresses specific hurtful actions taken and commits to not repeating those mistakes in the future. Thor cannot commit to not repeating the hurtful things he’s done, because he doesn’t know what he’s done. Despite his best intentions, what Thor is doing here is actually kind of manipulative. He’s not addressing any substantive issue between the two of them; he’s just trying to talk Loki down. And it ultimately fails not because Loki doesn’t care or because he wants Thor dead, but because it doesn’t actually change anything.

Finally and only semi-relatedly, we should maybe at some point talk about the fact that Loki, who is stated to be a master tactician, has displayed a weird pattern of hardly ever being as lethal as he could be. He freezes Heimdall in place instead of killing him outright; he backhands Thor with the Destroyer instead of incinerating him; he, well… *gestures vaguely at almost the entirety of the first Avengers movie* Anytime the violence is even a little bit personal, he seems to hedge. Odd behaviour for somebody who’s supposedly super evil.

I’m sorry, I know I’ve pointed it out at least a hundred times before, but I just can’t encounter this scene in any form without taking a moment to appreciate how underrated and hilarious it is.

I also genuinely wonder how many Ragnarok stans who have accused me of having no sense of humour, have failed to laugh at moments like this one. Kinda feel like if you need to have the comedy spoonfed to you in the form of ass jokes, maybe you’re the one whose sense of humour is lacking. 🤷‍♀️

Let’s be super clear: this is not what happened. Loki did not betray Odin; he was betrayed by Odin. He did not open Asgard to its enemies; he attempted, misguidedly, to destroy Asgard’s enemies. And he most certainly did not commit suicide out of a sense of guilt.

I’m not saying Loki did nothing wrong, nor am I saying he feels no regret for the lives he has taken. What I’m saying is there’s no indication that he believes he betrayed Odin or Asgard in the process. Which makes perfect sense, because he didn’t. Everything he tried to do was for Odin and Asgard. It was misguided and horrible, yes, but it can hardly be classified as a betrayal.

The insurmountable burden on Loki is not that he did terrible things, but that no matter what he does or how hard he tries, Odin will never look at him with anything but contempt. Consider once more these passages from the very beginning of the book, at Thor’s coronation:

—

Consider that this book goes to great pains to point out that Odin favours Thor because Thor is a warrior like him. And yet even when Loki embraces that, even when he acts more war-like than ever before, Odin rejects him— just as he always has.

There is a reason why this moment is the last time Loki will ever call Odin his father. Because he realises once and for all that, no, nothing he tries will ever be good enough; no, Odin won’t ever look at him with pride. That is Loki’s burden. That is why he lets go.

The epilogue is really just two pages of making me want to vomit.

There’s your party where Thor and a certain subset of the fandom insist that Loki was mourned. There’s barely an indication here that anyone even perceives his demise as a negative thing.

“[Sif] could see Frigga thought [Loki was dead] as well” also contradicts the tie-in comic for TDW, so I don’t know what the author is on about there. Unlike the majority of Marvel comics, the tie-in comics are canon to the MCU, so it’s a bizarre statement to make.

COULD YOU SMEAR THE DEAD* ABUSE VICTIM A LITTLE HARDER, PLEASE? Fucking hell.

No matter how many times I encounter this scene, in whatever format, I still fail to become desensitized to how disgusting it is. I realise there’s a good chance that whatever version of events Thor has been told was twisted at best; but how you can look at a man whose son has just committed suicide under any circumstances and say there will never be a better father than that guy, is utterly beyond my capacity to understand.

And Odin’s “you’ve already made me proud” line just feels like extra salt in the wound because, again, Loki let go because he realized Odin would never say those words to him. And yet they come so damn easily when it’s Thor.

Fuck this entire family so much. I think I hate them more than Loki does. Sometimes I wonder what he would think about that. How he would react to knowing that not only is he actually loved, but that he’s so loved that people are genuinely furious at the way he’s been mistreated. That there are people who regularly devolve into full-on rants because they just can’t contain how much anger they have towards the people who hurt him. I think he’d have a hard time wrapping his head around that concept, tbh.

Anyways, to end on a not-completely-depressing note, I’m still waiting for someone at Marvel to explain how Loki knew what Thor said in this scene after plummeting into a wormhole. ‘Cause he references this conversation as Fauxdin at the end of TDW. So like… ?? Did he steal Odin’s memories before he erased them? Because that would be… kind of neat, actually. And very clever. Not entirely ethical, of course, but it’s Odin, so fuck ethics.

WELP, THAT’S IT. Thanks for following along with my dumbassery, hope you enjoyed yourselves. Lol

#phase one: thor #loki meta #thor meta #odin's a+ parenting #frigga's b+ parenting #topic: thor and loki's broken relationship #loki #thor #heimdall #lady sif #the warriors 3 #jane foster #ragnarok cinematic universe #mcu #topic: asgardian hypocrisy #topic: asgardian militarism #topic: odin's family dynamic

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janekfan · 4 years

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hmm prompt time... jon angst about his humanity or lacktherof? worrying about him not being good enough for+worthy of+safe for martin/general guilt/self hatred? before or after apocolypse idk maybe safe house maybe post change? maybe season 4 after coma? could end up being jmart h/c or just be jon sad time whatever works

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27232381

For everyone else it had already been six long months.

And for Jon.

Well. For Jon, it was just yesterday.

Sasha.

Gone.

Tim.

Gone.

Martin.

Gone.

Himself?

And wasn’t that the question of the day Jon thought as he dragged himself up the steps of the Magnus Institute. He didn’t have anything with him. He didn’t have anything left that he knew of. Just the Oyster card and set of clothes the hospital had been kind enough to give him as his own were thoroughly shredded in the explosion. Everything else was gone.

He should be gone.

He’s the only one who should be gone.

But he’s still here.

And they’re just.

Was he even allowed to grieve?

“Jon” Melanie’s sharp, irritated voice raked over his ill-fitting skin like claws and he lifted sore eyes in acknowledgment.

“Hm, y’yes?”

“Been calling your name. You up to your spooky monster shit already?” He winced, wishing the scratchy two-sizes too big tee shirt would swallow him the rest of the way. “Barely through the door and you can’t resist.”

“N’no. Was. Was thinking, s’all.” Rubbing his arm, trying desperately to feel something, Jon didn’t know if he was allowed to leave or not. If he moved would she be upset? If he stayed?

“Least keep to your office. Don’t want you...watchin’ me.” She shoved past him, knocking him against the wall, still unsteady on his feet, the effects from the statement earlier were wearing off, or whatever the supernatural equivalent was and he slipped like a shadow through the halls to his door to hide himself behind it.

Things did not improve. He was always in the wrong, always a menace and he’d caught a glimpse of himself in the restroom mirrors a couple times, surprised at how thin and pathetic he looked. But they were afraid of him. He Knew it. Because the Eye gravitated to these heavenly tastes of fear like a starving man did to food.

So he kept to himself.

I’m sorry.

As days crept in and out, Jon tried to keep stock of what was different and the only thing he could conclude after his careful analysis and study was that he. Jonathan Sims. Was now something less than human.

Less than.

That made sense. That was okay. He’d always been better off alone because when he was alone he couldn’t hurt people and all he seemed to do was hurt people.

Wasn’t that true?

Georgie Sasha Tim Martin Daisy Georgie Sasha Tim Martin DaisyGeorgieSashaTimMartinDaisy

What was the point of learning that hard-won lesson if he had no one left?

I’m sorry.

And there was no way to go back. He’d caused it. Been causing it since he was a child, alienating, precocious, and so unlikable.

And there was no way for him to fix it. Not when he was in so deep. Not when he was addicted to these, these tales of dread and panic and horror and pain and death and terror and loss. Not when he had taken from those that he haunted and hunted through nightmare and dream. Took what they had and made it his, feeding, feeding, feeding like some animal.

But animals didn’t have a choice did they?

I’m sorry.

He’d already been judged and found wanting. Georgie was right. He should have died, or stayed in the coma, or anything other than turning into whatever he was now. Something inhuman, un-human.

Un-made.

Twisted.

I’m sorry.

Pity there was no one left who would accept his worthless apologies. Not from whatever he was now.

Jon was barely in control, not in control. Not really. Exhausted and hungry and lonely, lonely, lonely. He decided to take control back, just a little, whatever he could because to be human was to stay in control.

And he takes it.

In the only way he can think how.

Blood wells up from scratches Jon gouges into his arms, from beneath the blades of dull knives and keen razors, deep and dark and dangerous if he were human. But he wasn’t. He couldn’t harm himself enough physically, healing too fast to really feel it like he wanted to feel it and the marks never stayed long enough. Didn’t, didn’t bleed long enough, fast enough, never enough.

There’s no one left to notice the rust and ruby lining the bin so Jon doesn’t bother putting effort into cleaning up evidence. It’s around him in the florid streaks crossing the blotter, the cardinal fingerprints on old envelopes, the scarlet trails of irregular constellations mapped beneath his chair.

The answer to his problem became clear soon after. The statements. Addicted to them, it wasn’t until Basira pointed out that he should stop that he realized the easiest way to hurt was to deny himself. And they wanted him to stop. They want him to hurt and he should hurt. It’s fine, it’s okay, it’s what he’s been looking for.

Maybe when they thought he’d hurt enough, they would forgive him.

The pain was good. Every time he denied the Eye was good. Better than, it was intoxicating. The smallest act of rebellion and he revelled in it. Knowing he was weak, that he couldn’t be used for whatever purpose he’d been created for while he was like this, filled him with a perverse hope.

Restless, Jon retraced his steps through the Archives, trying to avoid Basira and Melanie where he could though they didn’t do anything more than ignore him unless he had a purpose or interrogate him about leaving, finding a victim. Compelling them against their will.

“You look shite, Jon.” He avoided their eyes, stared at their feet and watched them fade in and out, as he swayed back and forth, and he knew they were sneering because he could hear it in their voice. “Proof enough, I suppose.” Melanie lifted his face with a gentle finger placed under his chin. “Haven’t been galavanting in people’s dreams?” Back bowing under the weight of her scrutinizing stare, Jon did his best to stand straight. Removing the influence of the Slaughter didn’t make her undivided attention any easier to stomach and he put effort into quelling the ever present shiver thrumming through his bones, playing his sinews like strings.

“Uh, n’no. I don’t leave much. Or at all.”

“Mm.”

“Melanie?” Narrowed eyes stared through him, followed the quick rush through the highways of his veins. She knew where to strike to do the most damage.

Jon Knew it wouldn’t stick if she tried.

He was sure he’d seen him come this way. Martin. Whom he missed more than he ever thought one could miss someone. And, really, what did he know of Martin? Other than how best to ridicule him? He’d done this, or at the very least pushed him toward it. A victim for the Lonely. For Peter Lukas to control and manipulate and Martin assured him he was fine. He was fine and Jon shouldn’t look for him anymore because it was making it harder, it was making it worse. And Jon could do that. Could do one thing to make it easier for Martin?

But when he saw him, pale and small and Martin should never seem so small, Jon abandoned all his promises. He’d never been good at keeping them anyway. Why start now? Dizzier than he thought, the first step almost sent him sprawling and he just managed to catch himself on the wall, resting against it long enough to lose him. He pushed off, caught himself again as the hall twisted around him, spiraling like Helen’s eyes when they burrowed into his own and he followed, stumbling, a body ricocheting from surface to surface; floor, window, door, battered and bruised where no one could see. Not like the scars and the timeline they’d scripted silver and hoary on translucent brown vellum.

Martin is not there.

Jon has arrived too late.

He was good at that.

The first sob cleaved him in two, the second carved his chest clean out. Empty. Painfully empty and worse than anything he’d done to himself thus far. There wasn’t room to breathe between, there wasn’t time or space and rather than cower in the open doorway Jon threw himself into the office, crashing to his knees and pressing his face into the wood of his neatly organized desk before he gathered the wherewithal to pull himself into the chair, nicking the jumper folded over the back of it before crumpling again. Soft against his cheek, the well worn wool comforted him enough that he gained tentative control over himself again. He spent the time there dazed between bouts of crying, gradually tugged into the deep and the dark, exhausted and guilty.

He’s visited by dreams instead of nightmares. A cool palm gently coaxing the blazing, feverish heat from his skin. Stroking back tangled curls from his damp face and murmuring gentle things, lovely things, that he had no right to take comfort from. Jon dreamt of being hushed, of tears swept away by mindful fingertips, of clinging to Martin’s cardigan so tightly his hands ached. There was warmth here. Softness here. That he didn’t deserve and stole anyway, greedy and covetous because that’s what monsters did. And he took it, held it close, let it soothe the aches and the agony he carried so deep in him it hurt to let free.

Sasha.

Tim.

Martin.

Jon woke to the smell of sea air and surf.

To the last of a thick fog clinging around his ankles.

To a mug of tea, still hot.

And a statement.

#Tma #the magnus archives #jon sims #martin blackwood #hurt/comfort #self worth issues #self harm #Cutting #Blood #starvation #It's dark times up in here #Be careful #angst

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queencryo · 5 years

Text

@silly-go-round is asleep right now.

i guess i should make a journal for the past few days. as good a time as any. as AMY. heh. cuz shes super good and amazing. heh.

uh...... lessee.... for the two days after the last journal i just. hung out at the house while silly worked. i managed to not keep her in bed and make her late the second day. hung out a lot, watched more adventure time, worked on my tumblr filter script (lie. i judt ran it on my main. 200 posts / day is a bitchhhh) , played a good amount of ds3 (to pointof tetris effect at a couple points the nexg few days)

also did some like. helpful tasks. washed some dishes (undone quicklu, but. eh). not enough, mot as much as i shouldve, but... i tried i guess.

alao we've like. said the same thing at the dame time a Lot while ive been here and its like. nice. its really nice. same wavelength! i feel so close go her.

oh! alxo night before last we went grocery shoping. got food for prolly enoygh for the two weeks, but i guess we'll see. also a cheesecake! it was.... echausting. hily fuck it was exhaysting. jesus. the store was big and it took like 3 hours and $200 to get everything but. we did itttt.

we both mentionef that like. it felt nice to like. have a full fridge 2gether. cuz. it feels like were gonna have a futjre togetjer? u know. like that is. i love her a lot and it feels good for this to feel like a home for a little while. we hope that it can be so in tbe future.

so YESTERDAY she finally FINALLY taught me how to play magic the gathering. it was. a long time coming. but she brought me into the store and like. sat me down w some regulars and had me play commander. i played moooostly her snake deck, so like.that was fun!! i kept talki g about how i woulda gotten lorescale Coatl up to 39/39 and flying, had i like. gotten q more turn. but on that game D was running a mill deck that was. extremely long to play (that game took like ~>2 hours ugh), and was very bery annoying, so i didnt get to actually do that.

but it was fun! part of me wants to blog everything, but i dont think i will.

im glad to be able to use silly's decks, bc i dont think i want to make my own. im considering making a cheap angel deck or smth, but we'll see if yhat actually ends up happening.

i also met her girlfriend Iz, who is sweet. i played magic w her fkr a while, which was fun! she was runni g an annoying mono black deck (i kkow all these... these Terms and Words now, its incredible...)

shes sweet and i think i like her. dunno if enough to date yet (which makes me Partially regret flirting w her so much in the groupchat but. hey)

talked w her some, mostly about magic, hung out while silly closed the store, pet her cat, silly discovered that cyddling w TWO girlfriends is very nice (not rhat id know ;;;;;;;), was good times. i dont think im as comfy w izzy physically yet as i may have implied in messages, which hopefully wull be rectified by the message i just sent her (my initial physical comfort with people varies, it depends very much on the person)

skip forward, me and silly make a pizza at home cuz were fuckin tired, she admonishes me for not eating for uh... like 11 hours or smth (that mornings bagel was VERY good tho omg), but adderall, so like... meh.

uh... i dont think anything else on yesterday...

today! we waaamted to go to the store at like. 2. but in actuality got there at like! 330.

i went back to sleep cuz im a losenerd, and she. made this breakfast casserole thing. which hse put into a bagel abd brought to me bc i guess shes the best person on the entire earth oh my GOD. jesus

skip... apparently she knows maximum the hormone and doesnt like them very much... fair fair. (cause for xeath)

came to the store agai. tofay. it was fun and good. iz didnt come in today, do played some more with regulars. played w what is apparently called a blink deck, which revolvea arounf exiling cards then immediately bringing them back, to capitalize on "when this enters battlefield, do smth" cards. neat!

i DID actually manage to win today!!! the victory was. literally handed to me, but like. thats fine! i was playing silly's uhhh... elintor the masked? idr her name :( the mask planewalker! deck, which. i had SO much land, most of wh8ch was enchanfed. meaning it could be tapped then untapped w eljntor's thing, then tapped again for DOUBLE MANA. i mean. i had like 9/turn even b4 that but. BUT. i also had. i think i drew 3 creatures total. bit anyway. i had the white card that gave me a life whenever a creature was put on tge board (and also, w another enchantment, made all non-me creagurss and enchantments enter the board tapped, so. nya). so... rob had a card what dealt one damGe to all other players whenevr he puta. creature on the board. then he played united forces, which lets each player commit X mana to create X 1/1 soldier tokens on all players' boards. so. we made 28 white soldier tokens on everyones board. this killed perry, ans gave me, uh. 56 life (84 - 28). i then attacked ron for 28 w the soldiers, and drew sacred mesa, which lets me sacrifice 2 mana (1 any color, 1 white, but i had so many cards that said "this land can instead be tapped for 2 of any color, so like. ueah) to create a 1/1 flying pegasus token. so i. ended the game w 44 white 1/1 tokens. goblins get fucked.attack w my ssoldiers cuz his were tapped, so brought him down to 7 life. i didng catch what he did w the enchantment, but i think he said he like. put a copy of every creature on my side of the board onto his board, and then. cipying that enchantment 3 times. so. holy FUCK. wow. BUT those all came in tapped and i had 18 flying yokens, so. i still won! yay!!!! i won a game of magic!!!!!

goblin decks scare me. stop running krenko you fucks. exponential goblins goddamn

silly would come by every so often and like. look over my dhoulder and say "oh that was dumb whyd u use fabricate for thay" which is fair. but also god i love her. (i used fabricate for a mana generator insteaf of lightning greaves. whateverrrr) i love her so much dear god. i wish i coukd help w the store more, but. on the same time i also. dont enjoy working. so. maybe part time.

hm. what ekse. oh yeah i kove her so much.

by the end of the night it was just. me and her, rob and the two regulars i started out llaying w yestwrday. theyre sweet, i like them. theyre married. the dude calls me honey smtimes, which is. kinda weird? dunno how i feel about that. i guess fine. its gender-nice, but still a lil uncomfy. otherwise i like em fien, though. but they talked abouy moving into sillys apt. so thats cool!! better than her current (awful, terrible, lazy / horrifically depressed / manchild roomate, who doesnt clean ever) roomate. i was reading the monster of the week gamebook thruout, which i... bought, for some reason. idk. oh also i wanna make a fallen angel divine, because im... predictableeee. also a conspiracy thworist whos just a trans woman w way too much time and really weird hobbies (throwing knices, butterfly knife, net friends, etc). also a spooky. i speny like. 3 hours reading thr7 the monster of the week book while ppl played magic around me. i kinda wish i hadnt bought it, but hey! its neat c:

oh, also i didnt take adderall today. i dont think it went toooo bad, i think i like. was meaner and less thohghtful with what i said, but like. i guess thats better than feared. i took a caffeine pill (200mg) at ariund 10 which is. prolly why im wide awake right now. i regret doing that, sincr from what shes said tmos gonna be big)

she says we gotta be at her moms by 4, for reasons she WONT TELL ME. bit she says its part of one of her plans, i ASSUME the romantic one? im kind of afraid that ill like. no-sell it unwillingly because im abroke and soulless human being, but uh. i guess rhats thw risks we take to be alive :shrug: im excited. were also going to a shop (diff one) tmo, which im Quite excited for, as ive only been in similar shops by accident before. also doing laundry!!! which is important ^_^

oh ysah. so we got white castle on the way home. its. yeah she was r8ght. mediocre-at-best sliders. onions are bad.

we also made a pizza. whifh i ate most of. i overate. sob.

she fell asleep halfway thry an episode of nailed it. cant blame her, she seemed really tired. i hipe i dont disturb her rwst. and i feel so utterly blessed thay i can be around her.

ih!! i also fell down the last few staies ywstersay. bruised my arms, but otherwise fine. it was. idk, it is nice to knoe that others worry fir me and like me. she was very concerned. i love her.

#blog #ohio trip 2 #journal

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bibliosexxual · 7 years

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(s)he

This is that fic I was talking about the other day, the one I wasn’t sure I wanted to post. I ended up writing TWO similar but distinct fics (different POV, different ending) based on the premise of this fic because I just kept tinkering with it, so this is the second version. The first one... idk, maybe I’ll toss it or maybe I’ll post it later for the curious among you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sterek high school AU, G, 1.7k words

Stiles thinks Scott is joking at first, mostly because he’s laughing so hard he can barely get the words out. "There's a guy backstage asking for you by name. He's got flowers."

Stiles rolls his eyes and goes back to wiping the lipstick off his mouth. After four performances, he can get in and out of the dress and the wig in no time flat. He can even walk in heels without too much wobbling. But the lipstick? Bane of his existence. It still takes him a good five minutes of careful wiping and rubbing with petroleum jelly, and even then his mouth always has this odd orangish-coral tinge by the time he goes home for the night. By that point he’s usually too frustrated by the whole thing to even begin to bother with cleaning off the mascara.

Thank god this is closing night, and in a minute they can all go out for tacos and Stiles can set to work forgetting about lipstick for the rest of forever.

Scott’s still hovering at the door, anticipatory. "I think he likes you. Like, like-likes."

"Ha ha," Stiles says flatly. He tilts his head to the left and then to the right in front of the mirror, angling his face up into the lights. "Do you think I got it all?"

Scott gives him a careless glance. "Yeah, sure. Looks fine. But no, seriously, the girl who sells the tickets told me he's shown up to every single performance."

Scott isn't joking. He’s laughing at Stiles (and okay, if their positions were reversed, Stiles would totally be laughing at Scott, too), but he isn't joking. Fuck. Not even Stiles' dad has come to every performance.

And why would he? After you've seen one, you've seen them all. It's not like they change the script between shows.

"Well, who is he?" Stiles doesn't know any guys who would want to give him flowers. All the guys in his social circle are either straight or definitely 100% not into Stiles' weird dorkiness, and anyway, none of them would think the way to Stiles' heart (or his pants) was through a fucking Valentine's Day cliche.

"I don't know! If I knew, don't you think I would have led with that? He's just some guy lurking around asking where you are."

"Well, what does he look like?"

Scott shrugs unhelpfully. "He has black hair, I think? I don't remember what color his eyes are. And… oh! He's wearing a dark grey shirt."

Stiles mimes beating his head against the dressing room wall. "Oh, yeah, that totally narrows it down. Now I know exactly who you're talking about."

“Hey, I never claimed to be Sherlock Holmes, dude. That’s more your thing.”

Which, true.

Scott's smile fades into something more serious. "Listen, if you don't want to talk to him, I'll go tell him you left already. I'll stand guard until I'm sure he's gone."

And okay, Stiles isn't especially keen to go talk to a random stranger, not after a full day of school and the play and the fucking lipstick, and not when it’s going to delay taco night, but... he’s going to do it anyway, duh. He's never been able to walk away from a good mystery.

There’s a guy sitting right where Scott said he'd be, on the paisley couch near the back door that always smells weirdly like old-lady perfume. Whoever he is, he has his head down, fiddling with the flowers, which are pink roses. He looks pretty normal. Athletic, kind of tan, probably about Stiles' age. Grey shirt, like Scott said. Black jeans. Black sneakers.

Stiles clears his throat, and the guy looks up. Stiles still doesn't recognize him, but damn. How did Scott manage not to mention the eyebrows? They’re seriously impressive.

"Uh, I'm looking for—" the guy starts to say. Then he pauses, seeming to really look at Stiles for the first time. "—Stiles?"

"Yes?" Stiles says.

Maybe this guy isn't very smart, because he just stares at Stiles for an uncomfortably long time with his mouth slightly open. Stiles' mind starts drifting to the tacos in his near future, and he forcibly corrals it back.

The guy stands up and takes a hesitant step forward. "You're Stiles Stilinski."

"I know?”

“You play Amara in the play.”

Stiles snorts. “Again, man… I know.”

Apparently that’s enough talking for now, because the guy doesn't say anything else, like, oh, who he is or what he wants. He looks... well, kind of embarrassed, really, as his eyes slowly fall from Stiles' face to his Iron Man t-shirt and plaid hoodie and all the way down to his worn red Vans and then back up again to his face. It’s not really an “I’m checking you out” kind of meandering, more like… verifying something. It’s weird.

“What’s your name?” Stiles says. Seems like a good place to start.

“Derek,” the guy says absently. And nothing else.

Stiles decides to get this show on the road, because tacos. "Okay. Word is you were looking for me. What’s up?"

“I was going to—” Derek cuts himself off, tapping the flowers in a nervous beat against his thigh, not meeting Stiles’ eye. A few bruised petals fall to the floor at his feet. “I thought— Never mind. It was stupid.”

Stiles grabs his arm before he can walk off. “Wait, wait. Are the flowers for me?”

“Well… Yes, but— I thought you were a girl,” Derek says in a rush, then cringes.

Stiles isn’t proud to admit it, but it takes a good ten seconds of them awkwardly staring at each other before it clicks. Stiles’ character in the play is a girl. Derek thought Stiles, the actor, was a girl. Derek was bringing flowers for a girl.

Except, when he’s out of his costume, Stiles is very obviously not a girl.

That’s probably a deal-breaker.

Derek adds, almost more to himself, “At least now I know why my sisters were laughing at me when I told them about you.”

Stiles goes and sits on the couch, elbows on his knees, and after a moment of obvious hesitation, Derek sits down beside him.

“That’s a new one,” Stiles says. “I’m guessing there’s an implied ‘I was going to give you flowers before I knew you were a boy’ to that story?”

Derek shakes his head, though, and holds out the flowers until Stiles takes them, gingerly. Inexplicably, he can feel himself starting to blush. He’s never thought of himself as the kind of guy who liked flowers, but here, now… he kind of does like it.

“You know,” Derek says, “when I saw your name in the playbill, I thought ‘Stiles’ was an odd name for a girl, but…”

“It’s an odd name for anybody, yeah.”

“I thought it sounded quirky and artistic.”

“Ah.”

“Look.” Derek shifts his weight a little, looking intently, seriously, at Stiles. “I got the flowers for you. I thought your acting was great. And—so it turns out you’re a guy, so what. You’re still that person, you’re still Stiles, and I still think you did an incredible job. The flowers are still for you. And—” He takes a deep breath. “—I’m not straight. I like guys, too. Just for the record.”

Stiles raises his eyebrows. “Is that your roundabout way of saying you thought I was hot as a girl and now you still think I’m hot as a guy? I have to warn you, I don’t normally go around in eyeliner.”

Derek’s serious face cracks a little. “That’s okay.”

It hits him then: Derek is still here. Still looking at him like… like that. Like Stiles is interesting. And… he’s kind of waiting for Stiles to give him an answer.

“Okay, well.” Stiles thinks. “I think you're attractive.” Might as well admit it, given the circumstances. Because yeah, Derek is attractive. Unfairly so. So much so that, if Stiles didn’t trust Scott with his life, he might’ve assumed this was some kind of prank, that no one that good-looking could actually be into him. “But I have this bad track record of getting huge, ill-advised crushes on hot people that never pan out. It’s just a lot of pining and it’s not pretty. And I’m probably going to do that to you if we keep hanging out, unless you’re some kind of huge asshole. Although even that might not be that much of a turn-off, to be honest.”

“I definitely like you,” Derek says, all earnestness. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

Stiles laughs a little. “Okay, but. I just mean, you’re hot but I really don't know anything about you, and you don't know anything about me. I don’t get how you can be sure. Like, you don’t know this yet, but I’m kind of weird and clingy, and I can be super annoying. Also, I’ve never dated anyone before, so there’s definitely got to be some kind of learning curve there. For all you know, I could kiss so badly it traumatizes you for life."

“I doubt it,” Derek says, eyes dropping to Stiles’ mouth. He doesn’t look troubled at all.

Stiles clears his throat. Fuck, it’s hot in here, and Derek is staring at him like that, and this is really happening. Okay. “And,” he goes on, as Derek continues to watch him, “what about you? What if I start to like you, only to find out that you, oh, I dunno.” He casts about for something really horrifying. “That you think the Mets suck or something.”

“I don’t think the Mets suck.”

“That’s a start.”

“Well,” Derek smirks, “they kind of suck, but they’re not the worst.”

“Okay, we’re entering dangerous waters here, just FYI.”

Derek snorts. “Okay, new subject. Will you go out with me?”

Stiles’ phone buzzes—of all moments, while Derek is staring at him, all nervous and expectant—and like a reflex Stiles’ eyes dart down to it.

Scott: whats going on? are you still coming to taco night???

Stiles looks back up at Derek. “Do you like tacos?”

“No,” Derek says, straight-faced. For a moment Stiles is stunned into silence, but then Derek laughs. “Kidding! Your face, wow,” and Stiles whacks him in the shoulder with the flowers. “Yeah, I like tacos. Who doesn’t?”

Stiles smiles.

EDIT: I’ve now posted the alternate version here.

#my fic #sterek fanfiction

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rxpunzelwrites-blog · 7 years

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real quick and sloppy bios that are copy and pasted from dm’s.

keira bishop:

basically she's my little figure skater and she's been on the ice ever since she was a tiny wee one, alongside her older sister hannah. and she and hannah were always super super close bc there was only two years between them so they were each other's best friends. or it was more like hannah was keira's best friend and while keira was also hannah's and hannah loved her to bits, hannah also had other friends? anyway, they were both skating daft wehn they were growing up but hannah went on to join an ice hockey team and the contrast is important bc keira stuck to figure skating which is very much like, a lone sport? and hannah worked way better in a team bc she was so outgoing and friendly so keira hid behind her a lot and only made friends through hannah and she didn't really know how to make decisions without hannah's help and her parents sorta tried to discourage that but she's quite shy so they sort of let her be and figured she would come out of her shell in her own time. but anyway one day during winter, she and hannah went skating on a lake and the ice was really thin? and hannah fell through and like, keira couldn't help her back up so she passed away :( fckn traumatic i know. and keira was a total ghost after it and stuff and like, wouldn't talk to anyone and didn't want to go back to skating and her parents were distraught as well and sent her to therapy and bc she was never one to argue back, she went and it did sorta help and it's been four years now so she /has/ recovered a little? and a little anecdote is that hannah had a boyfriend named josh and he sorta helped as well bc he and keira were both going through the same grief bc they were the two people who loved hannah most, and idk he's an npc in my head but they have the nicest like platonic brother/sister relationship bc he bought her a dog to help her through the grieving process and the pup's name is olaf :D and yeah this is where we get frozen themed~ and steer away from the tragic hiro/tadashi storyline. keira's now a figure skater for disney on ice and she was cast as anna which is a big fucking deal for her bc wow!! everyone loves princess anna!! but it's also hard for her as well bc frozen is about the love between two sisters and having to learn the ins and outs of the movie and perform against an elsa just makes her miss hannah all the more? but yeah she just hopes she can do it justice. and bc hannah isn't around anymore she's slowly realising that she can't just stay lonely anymore and that she needs to make friends who aren't josh and so she's throwing herself literally headfirst into things like she doesn't have a roommate yet but when she does get one it's bc she'll have answered the first 'wanted roommate' ad thing that she saw and so she's really trying to put herself out there and try things she was scared to before by meeting new people even if she does get a bit unnerved sometimes? bc she still slips up and sort of looks for hannah to guide her and panics when she remembers hannah isn't there anymore but she's!! working on it!! and I BELIEVE IN HER.

owen kinney:

first up we have owen who is a wee bit of a lad's lad and likes bar hopping and getting pissed and stuff. he's a construction worker and just sort of always figured that's what he was destined to do bc he never did well in school and so he just thought 'i'll follow in my dad's footsteps' and joined the same construction company his pa works for. but the thing is it's kinda a corrupt company that skips paychecks and overworks its employees and owen's dad is in really bad health bc of it and owen is sooooo fucking hotheaded like, almost as bad as wardo so he's been suspended for mouthing off more times than he can count and the only reason he hasn't been fired is bc it's hard to find someone who'll work in the same conditions he and his dad and the other guys do? and they're not well off at all and he has hayley, his sister, to think of as well bc she needs a bit of protection because she's in ill mental health? so when his dad's joints are sore and he gets sick owen takes his shifts as well and he does tend to overwork himself a bit and his main outlet is sex? he sleeps around a TON, both guys and girls, and he doesn't really think there'sany responsibility tethered to one night stands so long as they're safe and use protection and stuff? so when people call him up the next again day for ditching them after he's done he's just like 'you knew it was a fling, stop chasing me up?' bc he isn't looking for commitment or anything long term? and that's like, basically it for him so far but even though he's kinda half-baked i'm actually super fond of him asdfghjkl

donald henshaw:

THEN THERE'S DONALD AKA MR GRUMPY GRUMP GRUMP. he's english and was previously married but he hates his wife now so THAT'S FUN. basically she cheated on him and then fell pregnant and so it was always dubious like, who the baby's father was but the kiddo looks like donald so it's fair to say he's the dad, but the baby is being raised with the guy donald's wife left him for? and this put donald in a super bad and bitter place and he uses alchol and smoking as a vice and stuff but on top of that he's a screenwriter. and so when that went down, he wrote this really dark comedy script where he based one of the characters on his wife. and it was like a fairly decent film and stuff and di really well with critics and stuff even though it was lowkey misogynistic bc donald is a bitter fuck but like... ngl it's justified bc i hate his wife. so yeah it clicked with her that the movie was about her and she tried to sue donald and everything for defamation of character and stuff but there was no proof that she could prove it was about her unless she took a DNA test for the baby and she refused to do that (BC THE KID IS SO OBVIOUSLY DONALD'S) and oh yeah his wife is an actress i forgot that part, so it basically means that even though he's still in the movie industry as a screenwriter, he genuinely hates actors and actresses a bit bc he thinks they're too up their own arses, esp now he's on a warning and is being pressured to write 'happier' material, so i'm thinking that maybe he gets lumped in to help write the script for cinderella? and that's sooooo not his scene lmao. and yeah he came out to his wife when they were dating and told her he was bisexual but she forced him to repress it because she wasn't homophobic outwardly, like she's one of those 'YAY FOR SAME SEX MARRIAGE' people but she believes in all the stigmas surrounding bi people like they're liable to cheat and stuff EVEN THOUGH WOW HYPOCRITICAL MUCH? so yeah she's biphobic and donald never got to be his best bi self so overall he's a big old bitter british bisexual package of pure and utter GRUMP.

josh atlas:

josh is still building up for me but what i know is that he comes from a bit of a 'superstar' family so i really am pushing the whole 'son, you're throwing away your dream' 'no dad, i'm throwing away yours' trope, but at the same time hockey is josh's dream and all he wants to do is win the stanley cup and stuff. so yeah growing up he was always going off to hockey camps and joining peewee hockey and stuff and his dad really pushed him to do well and win games and stuff and do extra training sessions and it was all super rigorous and testing for him but he was happy to do it? and he met hannah at a hockey camp and they became best friends and obviously he totally fell for her and she was just the best girl in his eyes and the bishops totally aodred him as well bc they were such a supporting and loving family and he didn't know what that was like bc if they all went to one of keir'a figure skating competitions and she only got like, fourth place then her family would still congrtulate her for getting that far whereas his dad would show how disappointed he was if josh did anything less than get first place. but he still kept it together bc he had hannah AND ROSE WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THESE TWO MORE :) but when hannah died everything got topsy tuvy for him and stuff and his game was gone and his dad was super unsympathetic and kept being faux supportive by telling him that getting back into playing would help him get over hannah but IT DIDN'T BITCH. so he's on anti-depressants and stuff and missed getting drafted into the NHL which is a biiiiiig fucking deal. so his dad was mad at him for missing that and when josh realised how much keira was suffering he pretended to be okay for her sake and so he went back to a strict training regime and the anti-depressants did help, and now he's been drafted for the new york rangers and his dad won't stop bragging about it. thing is, the tablets he takes thin his blood and stuff so when he does get a hockey injury he bleeds for so long and i just have this image of rose being on standby to help clean him up :')

#insp: keira #insp: owen #insp: donald #insp: josh #CATCH ME FORGETTING TO POST THIS?

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