#bc triggering and bad

[gregmarriage]

really just feels like the last four years of my life have been in pretty permanent stagnation, everything’s temporary and transitional, and i’ve been trying to fix it, but every time i do, something happens to make it worse

#the universe doesn’t want me to have a stable life apparently #i say four years it’s been my fucking whole life with the universe kicking my ass #but i was stable for a long time but then 2020 reset everything #i think i slipped through the cracks and it was like ‘oh shit haven’t fucked with gwen in a while’ #then boom! #and now i’m here and it’s bullshit #man i remember when i used to have friends and i wasn’t actually for real stared at in the supermarket for being disabled #i remember when i wasn’t even disabled #like my mental health was actually good and things were better than they are now #i say ‘better’ bc in a lot of ways i had to have my brain rewired by trauma to get to where i am now #in general #not like now now #because ya know recovering from a manic episode and not in the best shape in this current moment #keep getting frustrated and it’s like bruh you were literally manic not even a full month ago #you’re still not fully recovered #trying to get better at being gentle with myself but it’s tough bc i’m not used to it #which is such a sad statement holy shit #trying not to say ‘i wanna kms’ over every tiny thing #bc triggering and bad #trying to just live in the moment and just ‘be’ #which is difficult when i’m almost constantly in pain in some way but fuck it we ball #< my new catchphrase?

[inkskinned]

hey btw if you're in the USA at  2:20 p.m. ET on Wednesday, Oct. 4, they're testing the emergency broadcast system. your phone is probably going to make a really loud noise, even if it's on silent. there's a backup date on the 11th if they need to postpone it.

if you're not in a safe situation and have an extra phone, you should turn that phone completely off beforehand.

additionally, if you're like me, and are easily startled; i recommend treating it like a party. have a countdown or something. be surrounded by your loved ones. take the actions you personally need to take to make yourself safe.

i have already seen mockery towards any person who feels nervous about this. for the record, it completely, completely valid to have "emergency broadcast sounds" be an anxiety trigger. do not let other people make fun of you for that. emergency sounds are legitimately engineered to make us take action; those of us with high levels of anxiety and/or neurodivergence are already pre-disposed to have a Bad Time. sometimes it is best to acknowledge that the situation will be triggering for some, and to prepare for that; rather than just saying "well that's stupid, it's just a test."

"loud scary sound time" isn't like, my favorite thing, but we can at least try to prevent some additional anxiety by preparing for it. maybe get yourself a cake? noise cancelling headphones? the new hozier album? whatever helps. love u, hope you're okay. we are gonna ride it out together.

#watching ppl go from being like ''support neurodivergent ppl~~!" #to being like ''if this is going to give u a panic attack ur fuckken stupid'' #like..... gets me #yeah man. i know im going to be triggered by it . in the old fashioned term. it is GOING to give me a panic attack. it's pretty much certai #and i shouldn't have to tell u about what i have survived for you to be okay with that. #you can just trust that i ALSO don't want me to react to it. i'm not gonna be having a FUN time. #dismissing that bc you think it's stupid.... like is the whole problem. #these sounds are workshopped by entire teams of people to get you to pay attention and move quickly. #they arent meant to be fun and exciting. #OBVIOUSLY it's gonna set ppl off. #but yeah there's something so fuckken demeaning about ppl being like. well that trigger isn't valid bc u haven't undergone X #dude i have ptsd bc i was abused as a child. like plain and simple. the fact im 30 and afraid of the dark tells you how bad it was. #i shouldn't have to ask u for permission to be mentally ill. #the reason it's a fucking disorder and not a fucking choice is that I DO NOT CONTROL IT. #like how is it any different from when ppl are like ''oh public speaking isn't that scary'' like FOR YOU #for YOU this isn't scary. now if i could fucking eat my own amygdala...

[icaruspendragon]

something the women in my family are absolutely flabbergasted by every time it comes up is the fact that i don’t own a scale.

“how do you know how much you weigh??” they cry.

“i don’t.” i simply respond.

“you look thinner, have you lost weight?” they ask at christmas.

“i dunno.” i say as i check on the turkey.

“you look bigger, have you gained weight?” they probe, as if my weight rests on their shoulders.

“i’m not sure, but it’s fine if i have.” i respond with a casualness they cannot comprehend.

“don’t you want to know if you’ve lost or gained?” they inquire over cups of coffee and a plate of untouched cookies.

“i do.” i take a sip. “which is why i don’t need to know.”

“we don’t understand.” they say.

“i’ll drive myself mad if i know. it’s been a question i’ve been looking for the answer to since i was in the seventh grade and my weight was the topic of conversation for the first time; the stretch marks on my calves puberty brought being questioned and condemned. and so i started weighing myself once a day. then twice a day. i gained weight as i grew and was told to stop. i got depressed when i was 16 and the weight i gained was more concerning than the scars on my thighs. the critiques turned to compliments during my first year of college when i’d started skipping meals and my body had to feed itself because i wouldn’t. everyday i stepped on the scale and smiled as i watched that number get smaller and smaller. hunger felt like victory. i started doing drugs that took away my appetite and then my strength. and started feeling guilt when my stomach felt full. and suddenly every time i looked in the mirror i hated what i saw. the more weight i lost, the better i was supposed to feel. each remark on another part of my body lost felt like a slap to the face. i was told i looked good but i knew i wasn’t good enough. and so i tried harder. and then i started to get dizzy when i stood. and i ignored it like i’d learned to ignore my hunger. and then one day at work i dropped like the weight that was never enough after i bending at the waist to grab a milk cap from the floor. and when the darkness faded, i was surrounded by panic as an ambulance was called. and then i was tested and prodded and poked because they thought something was wrong with my heart. and the problem persisted but they never found out why. but i’d known all along. and then i left home and its scale behind. and moved into a new home that was mine. so i bought plates and sheets and art for the walls. but i didn’t buy a scale. then every time i walked down an aisle i’d see the them and pause. and i’d think about the hunger i now kept at bay. and even though i didn’t know how much i weighed, i didn’t notice my body had changed. and i’d think about how i hadn’t been dizzy for months. and how i hadn’t fainted for longer. and then i’d keep on walking. and now most days i like how i look.”

“but don’t you want to be skinny?” comes their quiet response.

“i want to be myself in whatever body i have.”

they stare in disbelief. so i shrug my shoulders, and grab a cookie. and i smile at them as i swallow the first bite.

#trigger warning ed #tw disordered eating #body neutrality i love you !! #the women in my family cannot comprehend that i don’t diet anymore #and that i just eat what i want #and that im okay with the unknown #bc my body tried its hardest to be kind to me #even when i tried my hardest to be unkind to it #and now it’s time to pay it back #throw out your scales!! they’re bad for your mental health!!

[didderd]

ADHD Sans! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Just ADHD things. :>

I'm very neurodivergent, and this boi is a whole ass mood. Don't mind me while I just pour all my ADHD problems into this lil skelly lol.

(ADHD Sans belongs to gudulle_vinyls on tiktok.)

#i have a few headcanons abt his papyrus too #i think he'd talk quieter so he doesn't trigger sans' sencory problems #and like anx sans' papy he would also be better at cooking to help his bro eat #and he wouldn't call sans a lazybones anymore bc it makes him feel bad about his executive disfunctioning #(all this is just me projecting) #adhd #adhd sans #sans #undertale #undertale au #art #digital art #didderd art

[aropride]

ocd blinkies !!

#text #blinkies #ocd tag #ocd #flash tw #mine #i was gonna do subtypes as well but figured a lot of them could be used against people and it would be a bad idea #so i went for just bfrbs + hoarding bc i think theyre not super easy for someone to trigger yk

[glareandgrowl]

I had a bit of an epiphany...

A LOT of my OC sets (boyfs) match quite well with uh... the Ishimondo set. Ive got at least three more pairings that look so similar to Ishimondo its really funny.

The two guys are two of my OCs from story that will probably never come to light. (left- Elijah Vogel, right- Adler Eadon Hawke)

Theres plenty more examples. If ya'll'd care ta see em

#longsheepart #digital art #danganronpa fanart #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #danganronpa #kiyotaka ishimaru #ishimondo #mondo owada #art #OC art #OCs #my ocs #my oc art #original characters #I FINALLY finished something it has been such a bad month in terms of creativity #I went to con and con was fun but a lot #then i got con flu so bad afterwards its been terrible #I've heard word from some ppl I went with that its tested as covid? But Im not gonna check bc I dont need to. #I'd have to get over it sans medicine anyways being a virus #So idc about a test. Im about over it anyways now. Just a bit of a cough and some congestion

[lemongogo]

trying 2 be normalabt dunmesh but its im like

#like its all i want to talkabt rn. HAHAHADHHA LIKE HOWWDW WAS I STRUGGLIJNG TO GET INTO IT FOR SO LONG AHAGHAHGAHAHAHAH #like now that im in it.right.im like obiovsu.ly. of COURSEE. #man.MAN. MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!idek what to say #i feel like i dont have much thematic commentary on it yet .maybe when i read it a second time #but rn its like.i will just see it and i wnt 2 explode.so bad. there is dynamite under my skin #and i need to dtraw it i want to draw it but i cant bc im like in that stage wherelike i wanmt do so much #do i finish reading it do i go back to the last few chapters and take in the paneling #do i rewatch the earlier episodes .i needf #to draw laios like trigger draws laios.or ill be sick. i need like their .anatomy knowledge #ohh my god.rh #im sitting at work like these ppl dont know dunmesh ....and in traffic like these ppl dont know dunmesh.andat the grocery store like these #ppl dont know dunmesh.and i have 2 actlike i dont either. i need inrls w the same interests PLEASE !! PLEASE #dunmeshi

[cheridraws]

POINTS. ITS HIS BIRTHDAY!!! if everyone doesn't clap and cheer ill blow this whole website up

...kidding. But seriously, I can't believe its been a year since this dude took over my brain, wtf

#i would make him pay rent but he kinda already offered and. well. its awkward now #danganronpa #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #trigger happy havoc #kiyotaka ishimaru #kiyotakaweek2023 #chdoodles #ive been wanting to do taka week SOOO bad but ive had college classes and. yeagh #i worked on this for like three days bc the background wouldn't cooperate w me lmao #anyways #enjoy my indecisiveness in colors. i put both versions :P

[bearhugsandshrugs]

there are a lot of takes in fandom i don’t vibe with and you know what i do?

✨ keep scrolling ✨

#if i read every durgetash take that reduces gortash’s entire persona to being about durge i’d be here all day #and i’d be in a bad mood #so i don’t #seen people fight in reblogs and so on but the great thing is: you don’t have to read it #just scroll past! can recommend 1000/10 #let them indulge themselves in that if that’s how they roll #or just mute a tag (like i muted cazador bc cazstarion is triggering me) #improve your tumblr experience and fandom experience all at once! #you don’t owe anyone your attention!

[danothan]

tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things

#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao #feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy #danbles #and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth #or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities #or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to #or whatever else #i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy #I’M certainly not going to #but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer #and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc) #i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where #i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything #but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on #it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way #idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences #even negative ones are valuable to me #but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem #maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem #fuuck guys ​i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀

[pommunist]

tumblr should invent a block button that actually makes you unable to see posts from people you’ve blocked

#what is the point if i’m able to see it bc someone reblogged it ???????? #it’s okay bc it just made me saw a terribly bad take but for those who block triggering content that’s ughhhhh

[moonshynecybin]

How is Uccio coping in the forced coming out au? He thought he finally rid himself of the evil presence and now Marc is invading their home having to spend weekends at the ranch for pr. Uccio was suppose to go with vale to Ibiza for the holidays instead vale went to a resort with Marc

i was actually thinking about this todayyyyy. i think. uccio would be not so chill about vale choosing to come out and identify himself as the other guy with marc in those photos. perhaps maybe possibly. like not only does he think it’s a dumb PR move but ALSO vale is tying himself to marc in the public consciousness FOREVER here… even if they break up in a year like they plan no one is ever gonna talk about vale without bringing up marc in some context. which number one valentino rossi legacy defender and marc hater uccio salucci is gonna have a problem with. especially since he either earnestly believes marc sabotaged vale in philip island or went insane in the membrane enough to try and manipulate vale using telemetry to get him to hate marc as well. either way he’s not thrilled

so i think he comes at marc again in the wake of all this being like. well clearly he called that paparazzi to photograph you trap you and ruin your life and he planned that tryst in the alleyway and is in fact an EVIL TEMPTRESS who wants to organize your DOWNFALL. very shakespearean predicament tbh. and truly that’s finally what gets vale to be like um. what. because he was there!!! he was the one who found MARC that night!!! he kissed HIM!!! and he saw the look on marc’s face when the camera flashed and he’s seen how tired he’s been the last few weeks and the comments on twitter and the way he’s barely holding himself together with both fucking hands and his goddamn fingernails!!! and he knows marc would not fucking make that happen on purpose. and that’s what cracks the uccio vale relationship…

which makes vale feel even worseeee bc johnny cash voice my empire of DIRT. he lost part his support system AND a major brick in the foundation of his title winning ego saving conspiracy has been kicked over. so. he’s alone. and he maybe ruined his relationship with marc for nothing. not even a title he lost that too. and he’s old. and has even less privacy now. and he’s not getting laid. and marc has been ignoring him in private and vale thinks he doesn’t actually want him in public bc they’re supposed to be pretending. so he’s just a lil pressure cooker waiting to pop here. and that’s not even getting into the elaborate games of pda chicken they eventually start playing

#i sometimes feel bad about it bc they are rife or die but he’s such a marc hater i gotta pull the trigger on him for yaoi reasons. b #motogp #callie speaks #asks #rosquez #forced coming out au #marc hears he dumps uccio tho and is like. okay maybe we can make this work lmao #launches himself at him after the presscon the next race they attend vale (has been the initiator in public for weeks) is like ????

[mixelation]

OH MY GOD I forgot about the tag system - do you even know how much I scrolled - holy shit I'm in tears - thank you so much btw

oh my god, YES, please use the tags dsjfdjsh

also i guess i do have an "au round-up" post that's like a baby master post here. it has the tags i use + a link to view them chronologically. if you're new or have months of "catching up," the "chrono" view of the tag is probably what you want!!

i do kind of assume anyone chronically on tumblr enough to be following my silly AUs is pretty good at tag usage? but if you're not: i do try my best to tag all my tori AUs so that you can look at every posted in order. make sure the URL shows "/tagged/" rather than "/search/" and you will see everything in the tag in reverse chronological order, plus you can add /chrono/ to see every post in chronological order. afaik chrono only works if you're using a certain view: you have to do like mixelation.tumblr.com/tagged/reborn au/chrono. and i think chrono might just not be on the app? i also do this bc i imagine some people follow me who do not actually care about seven AUs with one OC and might want to blacklist those tags as spam control.

posting random thoughts on an AU out of order and then only writing random scenes is a chaotic way to do it, but using the tag and the /chrono/ function does reduce the chaos a whole bunch

#adjacent note on tags: #my policy for tagging is that i cannot GUARANTEE tags bc quite frankly im bad at it #so i don't take requests for tags for content/trigger warnings #but i do like being able to track my own AUs so i've been pretty motivated to tag things #toriverse #i might go through a tag EVERYTHING 'toriverse' at some point but i don't like the mass post editor

[noirangel99]

this movie has completely taken over my life. everything I see, read, watch, and listen to has to somehow be related to this film. I was listening to "Always Forever" by Cults and went, "this song is so Creature and Lisa coded" and my sister looked at me like I grew an extra head HELP ME

#lisa frankenstein #i swear I can't go a single day without thinking about this movie #it's crazy tho bc I could never listen to that song before without associating it with bad experiences with someone in the past #but now because of this movie i'm able to enjoy some of the things i used to without being upset or triggered by them #tbh this movie really helped me out when I was in a dark place #ik that this is really dramatic but I genuinely think that it saved me ngl

[bitchwholikesshitposting]

Fucking love the idea of the chassis being an amplifier because you kinda get the best of both worlds from the whole chassis theory argument where wheatley's still being influenced but you keep the complexity of his character intact, plus you get the double whammy existential crisis of being driven to do horrible things but still having to deal with the fact after you come to your senses that no matter which way you look at it was still all you. In this essay I will

Ignore the giant rant in the tags its 1 AM

#portal #portal 2 #wheatley #bc like the chassis definitely AFFECTED wheat man. but i think that some people it was like mind control??? and nah its more like #someones being a big asshole to you and you half-jokingly go in your head “im gonna kill this person”. because you're genuinely that annoye #but you dont actually do it bc obviously you shouldnt and you were never intending to actually do so. #yeah imagine if you actually DID that #you HAD that thought. you FELT that anger. #and the only thing that you needed to pull the trigger on that gun was a little push over the cliff. and you put yourself on the edge of it #imagine that and thats how i see that #a lot of the stuff wheatley blurts out in the chassis is from like a genuine place too #he sounds genuinely hurt #genuinely angry and sad and confused #hes genuinely THAT upset. #plus there are even points where he seems to be enjoying his time in the chassis. #he does these goofy villain lines and laughs at the thought of you fucking dying #obviously the chassis is a terrible thing to be in and the bad moments outweigh the good but nontheless. #this seems less like straight up direct control #or just him functioning normally #this sounds like what happens when you remove a very fucked up man's inhibitions and just let him go apeshit #because lets be real. wheatleys always been slightly unhinged. just in the funne haha tumblr way up until that point #he smashed a window casually and briefly laughed while a bunch of turrets were being thrown into a fire #hes not exactly evil either but hes definitley not like #okay #i mean we all knew that look at the fucking boss battle lines but #anyways the point is i fucking love the implications of that #the existential crisis that would cause #imagine going through that and having to question like #what was you? did you really want all of that? did you ALWAYS want it? where does the chassis begin and you END? #GODDDDD that headcannon goes so hard

[brandopilled]

happy new year! first drawing of 2024, and hopefully more to come!

here he is! the boy!

#put a tw for scars bc headcanon #danganronpa fanart #dangnaronpa #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #kiyotaka ishimaru fanart #kiyotaka ishimaru #danganronpa thh #danganronpa summer camp #i was playing this game #its not BAD... #but its not really good #but its silly... #his stupid speedo