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whatifxwereyou · 3 years

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Firestorm Part 10: Obvious

Fandom: Mortal Kombat 2021 Liu Kang x Reader

A/N: new stuff soon, <3

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The trio moved the remaining few things you owned and then setup your new space. Then you setup a few lights in the hall so that it wouldn’t feel like such an unwelcoming space. You decided that you might try your hand at decorating if you wound up stuck there for longer than a few weeks. You were trying very hard to be positive. The next few days, while resting, you would clean up the adjacent rooms and washroom. That would help keep you busy and keep your mind off of the inevitable end that seemed to be creeping ever closer.

You sat on the floor, looking over a list of hospitals in Andong while pouring over maps. Together you charted places to stay while you were there and places of note. You couldn’t recall where your parents had lived but you remembered the hospital the moment that you’d seen the name. Keimyung University Dongsan Hospital.

The search for your truth, whatever that meant, would start there. You couldn’t prove you existed anymore. All of your important papers and identification had been lost in the fire. You were sure that the Chinese government had record of your existence but that wasn’t what you’d needed. You hadn’t minded losing all of that at first. You hadn’t thought about it that hard. You’d found a new purpose and a new identity in Raiden’s Temple with your friends. They’d become your found family.

But there were times, like now, where it made you sad. You’d worked hard for the life you’d built and there were times where you missed your remaining family. You’d never been close and the relationships had been incredibly toxic, but you also still loved them. It would have been so much easier to track this stuff down if you could stop by your sister’s and ask your father. You were estranged but he would have still given you the information. If it came down to that, Liu Kang had said he was willing to speak to them under the guise of a story on the town and the history of the dojo. That would have been awkward too, so you hoped it didn’t come to that.

“I’ll start moving my things over tomorrow. I’m sore.” Kung Lao yawned. He’d opted to take a room that was on the floor above yours.

“If you had just waited to move furniture like a normal person…” Liu Kang scolded, going over the maps again and charting out a course in the notebook he’d been using.

“Today has been exceptionally long. You don’t know that is the reason I’m sore.”

“He’s got a point.” You didn’t look up from the map. “Sure you won’t change your mind? You can just stay in your room. I’m really okay here by myself.” You didn’t want them to isolate themselves. They were important people in Raiden’s Temple. You were the only one causing problems so there was no reason for you all to be isolated.

“I’m not leaving you here alone.” Kung Lao pouted. “Do you not want me to stay?”

“It’s not that. I think it’s really sweet but you’re…” You wanted to say he was more important than you were but you knew both he and Liu would react poorly to that information. “I just think it’s silly for all of us to be isolated when I’m the only one impaling people with ink.”

“And what happens if you’re here alone and you summon something you can’t handle?” Kung Lao frowned. You couldn’t argue with him that there wasn’t a chance of that happening seeing as it had happened many, many times now. “You almost killed yourself today with your arcana.”

“I know that I just… I don’t…”

“Don’t argue with him, Y/N. It’s pointless.” Liu Kang was still writing in the notebook and you sighed. They were right. Arguing with them was pointless.

“I guess the only choice you have is to get better.” Kung Lao beamed and wrapped an arm around you in a hug. You winced and he relaxed his grip on you. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. You mean well, I guess.” You threw another glance at Liu Kang and picked up his hand as he tapped the paper with the pen. He was covered in small scrapes. “You never took care of this.”

“I forgot.”

“Can I?” You could feel Kung Lao rolling his eyes. “What?”

“I would have left mine too if it meant you were going to take care of it.” Kung Lao let you go and hopped up to his feet. “I’m going to get some rest. I really am sore. But I’ll see you tomorrow, Y/N and we’ll get this placed cleaned up in no time.”

“Thanks, Kung Lao.” You felt your cheeks hot at the implication. Kung Lao narrowed his eyes at Liu Kang before he left the room. You could hear his footsteps echoing down the hall.

“…I didn’t leave it because of that.”

“Uh-huh.” You let go of his hand and he tried to hide his smile.

“I wasn’t willing to leave while you were unconscious. That’s all. Kung Lao was bloodier than I was. He needed stitches.”

“Yeah.” You looked down at the maps and felt the guilt rattle you again. “Can I help?”

“I’m fine, Y/N.”

“That didn’t answer my question.” You wanted to help. Even something as small as cleaning a few scrapes would make you feel a little better. Paying a penance for the things beyond your control would help ease your guilt, you hoped.

“Yeah, you can. If you’re that worriedabout me.” He looked to you purposely as he said the word.

“Oh, we’re playing that game, are we? Mr. I’ve-been-radiating worry-literally-all-day.”

“Feel like my worry is more justified than yours.” Liu folded up the map and placed it aside with the notebook and pen. You picked up the first aid kit that you’d shoved beneath your desk for the time being. Liu was setting his shirt aside and you averted your gaze quickly. Why? Well, habit, you supposed. Thankfully most of the scrapes were on his arms. There were a handful on his face and another on his neck. Why he’d taken his shirt off? You were now uncertain.

You would literally never complain that Liu Kang went around without his shirt. It was very distracting though. You picked up his hand and urged it to rest on your knee while you wiped away the blood, soot, and dirt that stained his skin. He didn’t even budge as you cleaned the small scrapes on his left arm. But he did watch you, which was also very distracting. Liu Kang had a way of taking you in and you shivered beneath his stare.

He pushed your hair back behind your ear and his hand engulfed your cheek and turned you to him. Warm Liu Kang and his careful touch. There were rivers behind his eyes of things he wanted to say but he said none of them. You leaned into his hand and then turned back to your work. He rested his other hand on his knee and waited patiently.

When you switched arms, he shifted and cleared his throat. You threw your gaze back to him and caught his dark eyes full of admiration before turning back to his wounds.

“How are you handling this?”

“Oh, I’m not.” You offered his hand a squeeze. “Turned my brain off. I have completely detached.”

“Y/N…” He was surprised and grabbed your hand to stop you, worry thick in his voice and his gaze. You offered him a smile and he sighed in frustration. “Sometimes your sense of humor worries me.”

“I know.” You held his hand. “I worry me too sometimes but I… joking about it helps me cope. Otherwise I’d just be scared. Laughing makes me feel less scared. I’m…” You shivered and his hand brushed over your arm. “I’m scared.” You hated saying it. Up until now you’d refused to admit it but the more that you thought about it the more hopeless it seemed.

“I’m scared too.” Liu’s hand crept over the hanfu you’d changed into for the night. Then he let you go and leaned against your bed. You scooted next to him. “I’m with Kung Lao on this one. I don’t think you should be alone here. I’ll be moving my things closer tomorrow.”

“Liu…” You knew that they wouldn’t listen. Why were you arguing? You wanted them to listen. “I know you guys are worried and that you feel guilty that I’m here alone but I volunteered for this. It was my idea. I know it’s dangerous but… not hurting anyone anymore also meant not hurting you.” You turned to face him and rested your hand on his cheek. He placed his hand over yours and then urged his lips to your palm, never taking his eyes away from yours. Your stomach tightened into knots. Why was it that when he looked at you, you felt naked? Like he could see you as vulnerable as you often felt? “Look at you.”

“I know you feel guilty.” He pulled your hand away from his lips and held it in his, thumb brushing over your knuckles, prayer beads between both your hands. “I can’t spare you from that as much as I wish to. But I made my choice. Kung Lao warned me what would happen if I did.”

“You just… jumped right through it to get to me.” You furrowed your brow as you felt the burning behind your eyes, hot with emotion. You hated crying. You hated it. Don’t do it. “You’re a fool sometimes, Liu Kang.”

“Call it what you will. I couldn’t leave you in there all alone. At least I thought of the rug, right?” He tried to lighten the mood but it was too heavy to accomplish. “He would have killed you. Bi-Han. Raiden told me a bit about him. There are murals you should see. But I… I had to get to you. I’m not sorry for that.”

“I know you’re not. And I’m grateful that you did. I was terrified. Too weak to fight and he…” You closed your eyes and focused on breathing. You’d felt so damn helpless. You hadn’t felt helpless since you were a kid and you hated it. There was no closet to hide in here to cry it out. Nowhere to hide from Liu Kang. “I hurt you. Again. And Kung Lao.”

“It wasn’t you, Y/N. You were hurt too.” He brushed his fingers over the sore marks on your arm from the ice beneath the sleeves of your hanfu. You nodded but you felt responsible for all of it even if you’d had no control over it. You felt responsible for not having control. Liu Kang had gotten you to talk about it, something you hadn’t wanted to do. It was easier to cry alone and then fake okay until you felt okay. You didn’t want any pity. Liu Kang didn’t think you were pitiful. He was worried about you. He let go of your hand then brushed his fingers over your cheek, just beneath your eye and you knew he was wiping away tears that had, regretfully, fought their way free.

“Ugh.” You whined and leaned back, sniffled, and then wiped your eyes free of the blurry tears so no more of them would rebelliously fall down your cheeks. “I hate this.”

“This feels like a much healthier emotional response, at least.” He teased and you laughed and then shoved his shoulder lightly. He pretended you pushed him much harder and then scooted closer to you.

“I don’t like crying.”

“No one likes crying, Y/N.”

“Fair point.” You stuttered and then closed your eyes. “Will you sit still so I can finish?”

“I’m fine.” He laughed and took your hand as you made to wipe one of the scrapes on his face. “I’m fine, Y/N. I’m tougher than you think.”

“So am I, Liu.” You didn’t have the strength to back that up anymore, but you still meant it.

“I know.” His fingers brushed over your jaw and beneath your chin, tilting you to look back up at him. You were powerless to deny him. He smelled of soot and blood. “I made a choice to protect you. I won’t lose you.” He crept ever close to your lips and you admired his as they came close. There was a cut on his lower lip you hadn’t noticed, the red of the wound having melded into the red of his lips. He was attractive even wounded. It would have even been sexy if you hadn’t been the one to hurt him. “Don’t give up.”

“I’m not.” You assured him but your voice felt weak. Was it because of everything that had happened or because Liu Kang was holding you so close, so intimately? “I am being realistic though, Liu. This is the right place to be. I won’t forgive myself if I…” You didn’t want to lose him. You didn’t want to lose him or Kung Lao.

“And I won’t forgive myself for not protecting you.”

“It’s not me I’m worried about. I’m not the one who needs protecting.”

“That’s not the point I’m making, Y/N. I want to protect the people I care about. Not because I don’t think you’re capable but because you are precious to me. Have I not made that clear? How much I care about you? How much you mean to me?”

You shivered all over and closed your eyes, swearing that your heart had skipped a beat. He just went right out and said it. Dammit, he was romantic. The tension was so thick you swore that you struggled to breathe. Liu Kang created his own atmosphere. Then again, it could have just between the two of you. You liked that.

“I…” You struggled with words, as if the air were too thick for them. His lips were so close, bruised, and bloodied, but perfect. Would kissing him hurt him, you wondered? He seemed willing to feel pain at a chance at your lips. You swallowed hard, the lump in your throat ever present being this close to him. His fingers pushed your hair back from your face and you leaned into his touch, the whole thing having become such a comfort. He’d done this so much that you craved it, like an addict.

His lips met yours and you felt that swelling in his lower lip and swore you broke. But he held you up. He kept the pieces of you in place. When you were falling apart, Liu Kang wasn’t afraid to pick you up. He wasn’t afraid of the mess you’d make. He didn’t criticize you for your feelings. He didn’t belittle you for your worries. But he supported you. He winced as you grasped at his forearm and you pulled back from that sweet kiss very suddenly.

“No.” He urged his lips back to yours and you laughed against them as he wrapped his arm around you before you could argue with him and pulled you right into his lap. You placed your hand on his cheek and he urged his knees up to urge you higher, tilting his head up right into that sweet, tender kiss.

“Your lip.” You muttered against it.

“It’s fine, Y/N, don’t… you dare stop kissing me because of that.”

“Wow, bossy.” You laughed as he placed his hand at the back of your neck as if to make a point. Pushing his hair back you shoved that worry from your mind. You sat sharing soft, intimate kisses in the dim lamplight of your new space. His lips tasted like the soot and blood he smelled like and it gave you the oddest thrill to memorize those new marks on his lips. Strong hands brushed over your arms and then down to your hips and you pulled back from that kiss, reluctantly. He looked in a daze, but a happy one. As if you’d woken him from a nap.

His thumb brushed over your hip, hands gently caressing over the outside of your thighs and back up again. Liu Kang was no longer nervous to touch you and his hands at your thighs were practically a death sentence.

“…you’re trying to get out of getting cleaned up.”

“It’s working.” He smiled up at you and pressed his lips to yours again and you returned that kiss for a second before pulling back.

“Boy, is it working.”

“The scrapes aren’t going anywhere.”

“I know.” You brushed his loose, messy hair from his face. “Let me take care of them?”

“Mmm…” He considered this and his hands returned to your waist. “Yes, of course, Y/N.” You took to tending to the scrape on his jaw, on his cheek, on his forehead. It was soothing. He closed his eyes and let you take care of him as if the motion were putting him to sleep. Then you finally set aside the first aid supplies and admired your handiwork. Liu Kang was only made more handsome by the scrapes on his face. How was that possible? Were you that wrapped around his finger? “How’s it look, doc?”

“I hate to say it, but incredibly attractive.” You sighed dreamily and he laughed and leaned his head up to give you a sleepy kiss.

“You made me tired.”

“I could tell.”

“It was nice to be cared for by you.”

“I care for you.” You weren’t good at saying what you felt but Liu Kang made you feel more confident about the lousy way you expressed yourself.

“Careful, Y/N. That might mean too much to me.”

You shivered from head to toe as his hand brushed over your back. Then he sat up sleepily and wrapped his arms around you. “I care about you, Liu.” You rested your hand on the side of his neck and closed your eyes. “More than you know.” He shivered beneath your touch.

“If I stayed tonight… would that be okay?”

You worried instantly what would happen if you had an incident during your dreams again.

“…what if…”

“I’m willing to take the risk.” Liu Kang didn’t seem as concerned about it as you thought he should be. His thumb brushed over your lower back and he left a soft, sleepy kiss on your shoulder. He must have been exhausted.

“Stay.” You relented far too easily. You wanted his arms around you forever. They felt safe and strong. Liu Kang lifted you up and then lazily rested you in bed before crawling in right after you.

“You okay to sleep in that?”

“Yeah.” You adjusted yourself in his arms. “It’s fine.”

“Seems like a lot.” He closed his eyes and urged you to rest with your back to him, tugging you close. Apparently, Liu Kang was fond of being the big spoon. You couldn’t argue. As his hands brushed over your stomach and you sunk into him you felt you could lay like this in his arms forever.

“Oh, really?”

“Could help with that…”

“Wow.” You laughed but even as he joked you could feel him falling asleep next to you. “We have a lot to talk about, you know.”

“I do. Too comfortable right now though. Thought we made good progress.”

“You’re falling asleep.” You whispered as he slurred against your shoulder, face buried in your hair. He made a positive sound and you let him rest. It would take you ages to sleep but feeling his heart beating against your back with his arms securely around you was the best end to this horrible day that you could have hoped for.

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multifandomimagin3s · 5 years

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Babies - Mortal Kombat Preference

Johnny Cage

Johnny didn’t really know how Cassie would react when she found out you were expecting a baby – his baby. He knew his daughter had always hoped that her parents would get back together, like they were when she was little, but seemed to slowly warm up to the prospect of her Dad re-marrying.

But as soon as she saw that little face, she – like everyone else who encountered the little one – were completely in love.

He may have cried a little – a lottle – when he held them for the first time, but will most likely deny that; “Nah, there was just - something in my eye.”

When it came to deciding baby names, he had his heart set on Johnny Jnr, for a boy. As for girl names, he was a lot more flexible.

Surprised you with a mini version of one of his ‘JC’ tracksuits. As nice as it was, there was no way that your kid would be wearing that…unless he dressed them (he put it on them one day when you were out, and you just didn’t have the heart to take it off.)

Spoils them immensely. As the daughter/son of a famous actor, companies jumped at the opportunity to send you free stuff – the living room was no longer habitable due to the sheer mass of freebies you’d accumulated.

Regardless of whether this is young!Johnny or older!Johnny, I can see him proudly carrying the little one in his arms, no matter who’s company he’s in, because hell yeah you guys made a cute baby!

But if anyone gets too close for his liking – whether that be the paparazzi, or someone more sinister – he’d quickly shield them away from prying eyes. He flat out refuses to divulge too much information to the press because the last thing he wants is for you to be bombarded.

Erron Black

Holy shit. Holy shit. It has literally just sunk in that he’s a Father, and he’s shook.

Can’t stop staring at their little, peaceful face. It’s clear who their parents are, even without having to take a second look – they have the perfect blend of your features mixed with his. They’re the most precious thing he’s ever seen.

Once they fall asleep in his arms, that’s him for the night. He’ll try not to move too much because he doesn’t want to want them up.

He’d make a solemn vow to be a good Dad. He didn’t have a good relationship with his parents and refuses to follow in their footsteps.

I think he’d be a lot more conscientious of the jobs he’d take; he must think not only of himself and you, but also of little Black-(Y/L/N). He would try not to stray too far from you both if anything should happen. If you don’t know how to defend yourself already, he’d insist that you learn – he’d probably teach you himself.

He’s not too fussed about names, providing it’s not a name he deems ‘stupid.’

He struggles to be soft – doesn’t do baby talk, since it makes him feel stupid, but he’ll have a much softer tone to his words. That paired with his accent makes your heart melt, and your baby clearly loves it too (who wouldn’t.)

The Black Dragon will never know of his child’s existence. Ever. He’ll be damned if they get dragged into that shitshow. Kano will never meet them, nor will any other member of the gang.

His guns are either kept on him, or out of reach, for obvious reasons. When they’re old enough he’ll teach them how to shoot, but until then – no touchy.

Kabal

The world around him seems to screech to a halt , as soon as he sees that little face poking out from the blankets. It’s as if everything has come to a standstill, and there’s only you, the baby and himself in the world.

When they grab his finger in their tiny hand his heart just melts. When they coo at him, his eyes go all misty and soft and it’s adorable.

Insists that their name begin with a ‘K’ to mirror his own.

Like Erron, he’d make sure that Kano the Piss Goblin will never know that the baby exists. Whether that means he’ll have to leave the Black Dragon, potentially having to change his name as well as taking you and the baby as far away from them as possible – he’d do it in a heartbeat.

I think he’s a man who loves his Mom dearly, so of course he’d want her to see her Grandchild. She’s just as taken with them as he is and pulls you both into a congratulatory hug. She probably will knit them stuff such as baby socks, or little blankies with their name on it, which never cease to warm your heart.

He loves it when they fall asleep on his chest. There is nothing in this world that he loves more than having you tucked into his side with your little baby sprawled out across his chest, snoring away.

Even though they probably can’t grasp concepts other than food and who their parents are, he’ll watch movies with them, pointing out the good ones and the bad ones. He won’t even subject them to the Ninja Mime franchise, but just shows them the DVD cases like “These are the ones that Daddy hates, when you get older you’ll understand why…”

Pre-Burn or Post-Burn, he’d love them unconditionally. Post-Burn would be anxious that his mask and or appearance would scare them, but when they smile their gummy smile at him all that worry just dissolves.

Hanzo Hasashi

This isn’t his first rodeo, so he’s very helpful during labour. There’s something sadly reminiscent of his previous experience which means he might need to talk a walk during, but he’s there for you.

Tries not to cry when he sees the baby – fails miserably.

Holds them to his chest, pressing soft kisses to their fuzzy head, whispering in his native tongue. You don’t really know what he’s saying but judging by the misty look in his eyes and how much love is pouring out of him, it was clearly something beautiful.

To him, this is the promise of a fresh start. He’ll not let history repeat itself and will protect both you and his child to the ends of the Earth.

Their baby clothes are mostly the typical colours – cream, mixed with shades of baby blue and or pink. However, Shirai Ryu colours will slowly mix in with this, but you don’t mind that much – the little yellow baby-grow is gorgeous.

The only people who know of the baby’s existence are yourself (obviously), Kuai, Takeda, Jacqui and Cassie – Johnny knows too but only because Cassie told him.

Tries to be the strict parent but he’s a softie at heart. Unless they do something outlandish, there is virtually no discipline in the house.

If their first word is ‘Dada’, he’ll be in awe. Grandmaster Grumpy Face has a heart but only for the select few.

Kuai Liang

He’s composed on the outside, screaming on the inside. It’s a good thing that Hanzo happened to be around when you went into labour, otherwise he would be essentially lost.

He sits outside the waiting room with Bi-Han and Hanzo, trying to not panic at the sounds of your pain – he got sent out by the nurse because he looked ready to pass out, the poor soul.

Rushes through the door as soon as he hears the baby cry.

Holds them in his arms – he can’t stop looking at them, they’re so perfect. Bi-Han claps him on the back, congratulating his brother, as well as you. Hanzo looks over you and Kuai with a look that’s reminiscent and vaguely emotional.

Doesn’t want everyone to know about the newest addition to your family. Hanzo and Bi-Han are the first to know since they were there, but other than that there are few who know.

Has no problem with doing the late-night/early-morning feeds. As Grandmaster, he’s up early every morning, so this doesn’t change his routine much; plus, it lets you sleep more so win-win.

His cool body-temperature is calming for the little one – Cryomancy genetics and all that jazz – so more often than not, they’ll crash out in his arms. These are the some of the moments he loves dearly, their little chubby face smushed against his shoulder, sleeping peacefully.

The embodiment of the ‘Don’t speak to me or my son again’ meme. Johnny has been warned on countless occasions that if he swears around the baby or tries to share his bad influence with them, he’ll get his ass kicked.

If the babies’ first word is either a curse word, or some variation of ‘Blueberry Ice’, Johnny’s getting frostbite.

Bi-Han

Everything needs to be in shades of blue – he put his foot down on that detail. The baby would most likely be a Cryomancer, so it’s important that they rep the Lin Kuei colours.

He’d probably be hoping for a son – ‘cause tradition and all that jazz – to carry on his legacy, but if he had a daughter he would be wrapped around her little finger.

I could see him rocking one of those baby carriers whilst simultaneously teaching. No-one questions him, since he’s the Grandmaster – plus the baby is adorable, so there’s very little confliction.

Thinks up cute snow / ice / cold related nicknames for the little one, which probably will evolve into their code-name when they get older. He still calls Kuai ‘Tundra’ when they’re not in front of their students, so that playful nature is still there under that stern façade.

Doesn’t want to shove the fact that his kid is angelic in people’s faces but – look at his angel baby. Look at them! They are perfect! Those eyes! That little button nose! But don’t touch the baby. He will cut a bitch.

“Let’s go see Uncle Kuai”

Uncle Kuai has little to no experience with babies but he’s gotta learn! He’s only ever met young Lin Kuei members when they were just exiting the toddler stage, so seeing a baby this small makes him a bit more cautious.

The sight of you with the baby makes him feel at home. And he’ll probably want another…

Kung Lao

For all his confidence during your pregnancy, this man is basically hopeless when you go into labour. Like, he tries to be as supportive as he can be, but he’s white as a sheet and looks as if he’ll faint at any given moment.

He’s very gentle when he holds them for the first time, as if he’s scared that he’ll break them. He remembers holding Jin when he was an infant, so the experience isn’t knew to him, but knowing that the baby in his arms is his – it blows his mind.

He manages not to cry until they open their little eyes, peering up at him in wonder. Then he almost sobs.

From day one, he’s the Over-protective Parent. Upon learning about his fate in the Coliseum, he’ll maintain a watchful eye over your baby, at all times. He’s taken them to class a couple of times, which granted him a few stares but otherwise was unmentioned – they were just grateful he went…

Keeps his hat out of there reach – his worst nightmare is that they cut their little hands on the blade.

He’ll probably want his name incorporated in their’s. If it’s a boy, he’ll want to name them after him to keep with tradition, but if it’s a girl he’ll be happy with it as a middle-name.

Isn’t the biggest fan of having other people hold them; the only people to have had the go ahead, other than those within the temple, are Raiden and Cassie. He’s constantly afraid that they’ll drop the baby, and so would rather hold them and let the person fawn over them that way.

#johnny cage #kabal #erron black #kuai liang #hanzo hasashi #bi-han #kung lao #mortal kombat #mk #mk x #mk 11 #mortal kombat preference

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homenum-revelio-hq · 3 years

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Welcome (again) to the Order of the Phoenix, Beth!

You have been accepted for the non-biography character of KIRAN NIRAULA with the facelaim of Amita Suman! We absolutely adored your application, Beth! Kiran is awesome and we love the idea of seeing a new perspective on the dash - someone who isn’t here to fight, but has to rely on the Order for survival. We’re really glad someone has decided to play around with the refugee camp in a new way.

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME & PRONOUNS: Beth (She/Her)

AGE: 25

TIMEZONE: CST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: Continuing about where I have been. I try to hop on for replies at least twice a week, even if it’s just a hanful at a time.

ANYTHING ELSE: I’m back on my bullshit, and it’s Nicky’s fault for condoning it. Remember when I made the “haha what if” joke about a secondary character who was a refugee? Yeah, that morphed into this.

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Kiran Niraula

AGE: 20 (Born October 16, 1961), sorted 1973

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis-female (She/Her). She hasn’t though much about her sexuality, but liking women doesn’t give her any pause. She’s the rare well-adjusted bi not questioning anything and just content to let it be.

BLOOD STATUS: Muggleborn

HOUSE ALUMNI: Hufflepuff

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

When Kiran has set her mind to something, changing it won’t happen easily. She’s very set on facts and observations, and she has a tendency to tune out arguments if they feel half-formed or based more on emotion than evidence. Even to herself, she does this, often taking an emotional gut reaction and thinking about it until she has a logical conclusion to back it up. This will undoubtedly lead to a lot of conflict with Order members, especially those who find it cowardly to do anything but turn and face the fight head on. Kiran isn’t using emotional indicators like bravery and moral high ground as proof of what is right or what she should be doing. She’s looking at the facts of the situation as she sees them. The nobility of the Order’s cause means very little to her in the face of the all-too-visible risks with her family

That said, Kiran is not the kind of person who can idly sit by alone and observe. She’s a doer in the strongest sense and loves to get her hands on a problem, especially problems related to organization and complex tasks. After about a month of trying to keep to herself, Kiran is going a bit stir-crazy and will jump into whatever she’ll be allowed to touch. It will probably mean butting heads and struggling not to get too involved, but even if she doesn’t intend to stick around, she can still solve some problems along the way.

This is the same attitude that has made her great at detail-oriented charms. She likes complex spells and problems, as well as looking at the way magic builds to create layers. Her apprenticeship as a Snitch-maker (more below) fit well within those challenges that she liked, and in the aftermath of not having it anymore, she’s taken to trying to find little ways to play with those ideas and charms. If someone else wanders around and finds a decorative winged horse statue has sudden begun to fly, Kiran was probably responsible.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

Kiran’s parents made the decision to immigrate to England when she was but an idea in their eye. In fact, her amma considered it a sign they’d made the right decision when she discovered less than a month after arriving that she’d been pregnant on the journey up to London. Of course, they had to scramble as a result. They hadn’t planned on a child so soon, but Anil and Rashma were resourceful and managed to get their feet under them before Kiran had any memories otherwise. They always intended to have more children, but a health scare for Rashma when Kiran was three left them unable to justify the risk of Rashma trying to carry more children. Kiran never felt like anything was lacking, though. She did go through a phase where she’d ask for a baby sibling and her parents would have to painfully tell her no, but it wasn’t a long phase and she wasn’t particularly heartbroken. After all, she was her parents’ lucky charm. She didn’t need siblings to share the attention with.

While the specifics surprised them, Anil and Rashma took it in stride when they were told their eleven-year-old possessed magic. They had long suspected she was special and not just to them. Kiran had done things most children couldn’t, and while they could usually rationalize it away, her parents were pleased to have an answer. They were less pleased to lose her to boarding school, but Kiran promised them then she’d never let magic come between her and them. She intended to keep it.

For a long time, she did. Kiran always came home for breaks, even when she had friends who invited her other places, and when she moved out after graduation, she found an apartment not far from her parents’ house. Her life was blossoming, but she never forgot about them. She never deprioritized her amma and abba.

Some things can’t be controlled, though. When Kiran lifted her phone incredibly early one morning—hungover from celebrations the night before—to hear her mother sobbing on the other end about how her father wouldn’t wake up, Kiran went cold. She got through the day completely numb, trying to be strong for her mother even when all she wanted to do was curl up under her father’s favorite blanket and cry. The coroner couldn’t definitively say it was a heart attack, but that was the best theory he had. At first, it was enough. Kiran had no reason to believe it could be anything else.

A few days later, Kiran learned her New Year’s news was not unique. The rumors were swirling, and even certain wixen publications were talking about it. Over a hundred muggles had died of mysterious cause, and the most likely culprit seemed to be, “You know, his group. The Death Eaters.”

It didn’t take long for Kiran to connect her abba to the other deaths. The timing was right, the cause of death was right, and her status as a muggleborn must be the reason. Officially the muggles were just random muggles, but Kiran couldn’t believe that. Her father couldn’t have been randomly chosen, could he? It must be related to her. Somehow it was because of her. Kiran grew paranoid as she wondered how long it would take before her mother was next.

The easiest answer, of course, was to convince her amma to leave the country. She could return to Nepal, go visit Spain, or find another English-speaking country if she wanted to put the language she’d spent twenty years perfecting to use. Rashma refused. “My country is here,” she insisted. “You are here. I’m not leaving the only family I have left.” That settled it then. If her amma wouldn’t leave without her, Kiran had to go too, but when she suggested such a thing, Kiran was shut down. If she was going to leave, she’d have to be sneaky about it. And although it pained her to do it, Kiran started putting distance between herself and her mother. It was a terrible time to do it after Anil’s passing, but Kiran didn’t want to do anything that further put her mother at risk. That meant staying away.

It was almost two months later that she heard whispers that the phoenix group, who she’d only ever heard brought up quietly to gossip about, might be able to help her. They had a group working to provide protection for muggleborns who needed shielding from this fight, who hadn’t done anything but exist to bring war to their doors. Not only that, but while providing that protection, they made arrangements for those muggleborns to leave. Here was a group who could help Kiran disappear and hopefully be untraced. Once she was gone and sent for her mother, Rashma would have no choice but to move to wherever that was by her own logic. When Kiran was her only family, Rashma would follow.

OCCUPATION: Currently unemployed, Previously a metal-charmer

Charms had always been Kiran’s best subject in school. It wasn’t surprising to her when her NEWTS led a London-based Snitch-maker to reach out to Kiran with an apprenticeship offer. She’d been a fan of Quidditch in school and was fascinated by the idea of having a part in the game behind the scenes. She wasn’t allowed to start immediately, of course. She had to observe, study further, and practice her spellwork. Shortly before her father died, Kiran had been allowed after almost a year and half of studying to begin charming toy snitches intended for children. The parameters were smaller, the magic less complex. If she had stayed for another year, she would have moved on to the real thing.

Instead she’s stuck at McKinnon Farm. Stuck is an unfair term when it’s a position Kiran chose, but it still frustrates her that getting away has meant giving up the opportunity of a life time.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

Kiran is not in the Order. She has no current plans to join the Order. She needs them. It’s thanks to the Order that Kiran is now hiding with other Task Force refugees at the McKinnon Farm awaiting somewhere else to go. She sympathizes with their cause and does, on some level, understand why some aren’t happy about her existence. Some seem to be under the delusion that because she is a muggleborn and therefore a perfect Death Eater target, Kiran should want to pick up her wand and go charging head first into battle. Those people can get smacked with a stinging jinx for all she cares.

It is not Kiran’s fault that her parents are muggles. It’s not her fault that some crazy lunatic managed to weaponize the discrimination rampant in wixen society. It is also not her fault that such discrimination exists in the first place. She commends those fighting to try and fix it, but her blood status is not a conscription notice.

Kiran plans to keep the Order’s secrets and carry them with her tucked tightly to her chest, but her plans have never included fighting some crazy war, especially if fighting it means continuing to increase the risk she’s putting her mother through. She couldn’t even get Rashma to believe that Anil’s death could have been caused by that world of her daughter’s that she didn’t fully understand. Rashma thought she was grasping at straws. No, fighting a war she had no business in would be grasping at straws. It would also light on fire the barn her mother was in. Kiran couldn’t do that, not to her mother and honestly not even to herself.

She can see the validity of their ideals and could, if the circumstances changed, potentially be swayed to their side. She does hope they succeed. She just isn’t in a place where she feels like it’s her fight to have or her duty to fight it.

SURVIVAL:

Kiran came to the Order for survival—her own and her mother’s. She looked at them as a savior of sorts when she first came under their protection, but Kiran has grown a bit disillusioned in the time since. First, her doubt grew because she has been there longer than she’d expected. She knew it took time to get someone out of the country, but she hadn’t expected it to take more than a few weeks. As the weeks stretch on, though, she has begun to wonder when it would actually happen. Second, Kiran is just close enough to the goings-on that she can see some of the cracks starting to form. She vaguely knew of James Potter but didn’t know him, so hearing people talking about his death (which she hadn’t been around for) left her unsettled, especially when it seemed like none of them knew how to respond to a betrayal in their midst. With all the chaos going on now, I can only imagine how that trust will further shift, but it’s still more important to Kiran that she find a way to keep her mother safe. The Order still feels like the best way to make that happen.

Thinking about a more mental health focused definition of survival, Kiran is struggling to keep herself fully put together without a structured schedule and something she can actively be working toward. She’s trying to keep herself motivated by problem-solving on her own with puzzles and trying to continue her metal-charming work. She’s also found some little projects around the farm to help out with, although the McKinnons might not always be happy about it when she doesn’t ask first. Regardless, she has to keep busy. That’s the only way she’s going to stay sane.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Overall, Kiran can come across as stand-offish. She isn’t particularly close to anyone in the Order. She sees faces that are vaguely familiar from school, but she didn’t pay much attention to anything that wasn’t in her immediate bubble, which meant Hufflepuff and specifically her year. A lot of her friendships were based on academics or faith, in the case of the few other Muslim students she knew, so if someone wasn’t playing wizarding chess in the badgers’ common room or fit the other criteria, she didn’t pay attention. As a result, she feels like she can keep herself apart from Order members fairly easily. She’s there to get out, not to get friends.

Still, despite not ever having a lot of friends, she is a social person. She needs the stimulation of interaction and has been going crazy trying to keep to herself on the farm. She’s definitely going to start reaching out more, theoretically out of boredom, but more because she craves having those connections again. She’d like to believe she could make them easily, but there are several people she hasn’t necessarily gotten off to the right start with.

Marlene McKinnon: Kiran knows Marlene thinks she and the others being assisted by the task force are a burden. She knows Marlene is frustrated by them eating the McKinnon’s food and taking up space in their house. It probably doesn’t help that Kiran occasionally gets urges to do things like reorganize the library to a system that makes more sense or try to mend a broken gate that’s bothering her and is apparently supposed to stay that way because it’s always been that way. Kiran has a lot of strong opinions, and while she knows it is Marlene and her family’s home, Kiran doesn’t plan to just sit idly by when she can see things that need fixing. Eventually that might prove to be true about the task force itself.

Efa Chittock: Kiran never paid attention to Efa in school. Sure, she heard the gossip of a half-veela like everyone else, but when she was a Slytherin not in Efa’s year, what was the point of paying attention? Now, though Kiran is strangely fascinated by her in a way not unlike how her old muggle friends were fascinated by supermodels. As far as Kiran is concerned, she has that effortless beauty and sex appeal from her heritage that are just unfair compared to the average wix. She wishes she could just smile at someone and have them falling at her feet the way she’s heard a half-veela can.

Mary MacDonald: Some people aren’t meant to get along. As far as Kiran is concerned, she and Mary are in that category. Being told they are just another muggleborn coward will give someone that opinion. Of course, Kiran dished back, snapping about how being muggleborn didn’t mean she should have to fight and that just because Mary felt comfort fighting for the Order didn’t mean that anyone else was lesser for not risking their lives. She didn’t give details, and the two devolved rather quickly into a less coherent spat of insults. Ever since, Kiran has been going out of her way to avoid Mary, but she’s not afraid to go for the throat should the occasion come up.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: The only true ship is chemistry. That said… I made a joke at Nicky about Alaric being one more reason for Marlene to not like Kiran. If someone did pick up Alaric and want to play with it, I’m open to a lot of things, whether that’s casual flirting, friendship that looks like more from the outside, casual sex buddies, a budding romance… or nothing at all. That’s also cool. It’s just something that could be interesting to play with if the chemistry is right since they’re locationally connected.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

Kiran would consider it a privilege to have grown up with her faith, her family, and her muggle education. Some of the things she’d heard out of pureblood mouths have proved that crazy fact she can’t fathom that they know nothing of science. Coupled with that, the fact that some of them can count feels like a miracle. She’s relied on some of that base foundation she had from muggle schooling, and even if it meant she hadn’t come in knowing some of the theory that a few of them did, she still had the background to problem solve and determine the important bits. The scientific method has been invaluable to her charms work, even if her boss hadn’t ever called it that.

Those feelings about blood status can blind her sometimes, though. Kiran can be quick to dismiss someone else’s experiences without realizing the nuance of all situations. That said, she’s fine letting halfbloods and purebloods fight “on her behalf” in the Order. She appreciates people with—in her eyes—less to lose fighting the fight. She doesn’t necessarily see the layers to it the way others might be able to, but she isn’t looking for them. Kiran feels like she knows, and that confidence has created dark spots in her vision.

One place she doesn’t even begin to apply logic, though, is the existence of half-breeds. The very idea of them made her uncomfortable when she first found out they existed, hearing about the half-veela first year and not understanding what that meant. The image of creatures and other beings combining with humans had blown her mind and not in a way that was comfortable to think about. She’s mostly over that, but the idea still confuses her, especially when the combination is one that receives whispers of odd and creepy and other. Some half-breeds are exotic to her, like half-veelas while others still just weird her out. She’s confused and frightened by werewolves, will avoid half-goblins, and still doesn’t understand the logistics of how a half-giant exists and is working at Hogwarts. She won’t be cruel about interacting with half-breeds, but she won’t necessarily be kind either.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? I’m trapped and can’t get out. No, I’m absolutely kidding. I love all of you. You’re such a talented bunch of writers and a wonderful group of people. I’m excited about the opportunity to wiggle someone new into the mix.

PLOT DROP IDEAS: I would like to eventually explore Kiran joining the Order. That is the end goal of making her a primary and not a secondary character, even though she currently intends to leave. Because of that, I’m going to need plotting with other characters to help challenge where she is and explore her possibilities. As far as specific plot drops go, I don’t have anything, although it could be interesting to have a situation where she ends up getting sucked in without meaning to. Also, while I want to fully explore the “before joining” part that’s depicted in her app here, it will mean she runs a strong risk of being location-locked until she changes her mind.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Headcanon about religion: Kiran was raised in a Muslim household, and since the Muslim community is a minority in Nepal, it wasn’t a hard transition for her parents when they moved the family to England. Kiran’s time in Hogwarts did loosen her adherence to certain practices, but she still considers herself Muslim and follows general practice. She tried to pray at least once or twice a day, usually catching the prayer at sunset and the last prayer of the day, although she is not strict about performing all five prayers each day. She also hasn’t really attended a mosque regularly in years, first because she couldn’t while at school and then because she was content in practicing on her own. That’s come in handy now that she’s at the farm full time because she didn’t have to get used to not having access to her religious community. She does her best to follow halal food practices, so because she has to assume none of the meat in the McKinnon kitchen followed halal preparation, she has mostly turned vegetarian in her time since arriving. She often would order vegetarian items before when out to eat anyway, so while she misses having meat in her diet, it hasn’t been a complete shock to get rid of it, at least for a short time.

Note to any current or future players: I’m dependent on research and fact-checked prior knowledge in depicting Kiran’s religious attitudes. If I ever misstep, please let me know to be able to correct it.

EXTRA FOR NON-BIO CHARACTERS:

PAST: While the specifics may have surprised them, Kiran’s muggle parents took it in stride when they were told their eleven-year-old possessed magic. They had long suspected she was special and not just to them. They proudly watched her from afar as she excelled at Hogwarts, especially in Charms. Kiran didn’t necessarily have a lot of friends, but hey, she had enough to get by and generally tried to stay in her lane unless there was a problem she could solve. As she grew, she stayed family-oriented and prided herself on the kind of hard work and loyalty Hufflepuffs are known for. Upon graduation she became an apprentice Snitch-maker. Metal-charming fascinated Kiran and played to her strengths perfectly. She excelled in her apprenticeship as she took in each new skill like a puzzle to solve. Kiran was completely in control of her life. Some things, though, cannot be controlled.

PRESENT: When Kiran lifted her phone incredibly early one morning—hungover from New Year’s Eve celebrations the night before—to hear her mother sobbing on the other end about how her father wouldn’t wake up, Kiran went cold. It was only later that she realized he’d been part of a random attack on muggles by Death Eaters, one of the one hundred and two people who lost their lives in the orb attack. Desperate to save her mother from a threat the woman refused to believe existed, Kiran turned to the Order’s Dissendium Task Force for protection and to help her get out of the country quietly in hopes that her mother would follow. It’s been a long, slow month since she arrived, and although she originally had no interest in the Order itself, Kiran can’t help being drawn to its problems and its members. She is a problem-solver, after all. She’s stuck at the McKinnon Farm, and with nothing else to do, Kiran intends to make herself useful. She’ll go crazy otherwise.

FC CHOICES: Amita Suman (first choice), Banita Sandhu, Anya Chalota

***Quote note: If Banita or Anya are chosen, reference to Nepal should change to India.

#homenumaccepted

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sleepykalena · 6 years

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Summary:

Jyn and Cassian have been together for three years, but now that Cassian is on his third deployment, Jyn has to deal with the fact that she has to spend yet another Christmas alone.

For @carr-crashh-heartss, my Rebelcaptain Secret Santa giftee, whose prompt was “All I want for Christmas is you”! I hope this was an angsty enough read with a fluffy ending! <3

[AO3 Link]

Alternatively, you can read more under the cut!

“Are you seriously not going to do anything for Christmas?”

“Curling up on the couch with a glass of wine and Netflix is something, Leia!”

“No, it is not!” Leia insisted. “Jyn, Christmas is in three days; why aren’t you doing anything for it?”

Jyn shot her a look, and Leia’s face softened slightly when she saw the hint of sadness forming at the edges of her eyes.

“Right…sorry,” Leia whispered.

Jyn traced a finger around the rim of her glass and the ice clinked. The bar table they sat in was isolated, but the ambiance around them bustled in the holiday cheer. She loathed it. She wanted to roll her eyes at it. And the only reason why she dragged herself out of her office was because Leia stormed right in and refused to leave until she looked up from her computer and went to lunch with her.

“So how’s Han? And Ben?” Jyn asked, trying to change the subject.

Leia shrugged. “Han’s been busy as usual. Luckily I was allowed to use up some of my leave, so I can watch over Ben while Han finally gets some time to himself.”

“Does he still have temper tantrums?”

“Who, Han or Ben?”

“Han,” Jyn said before sticking her tongue out.

Leia rolled her eyes as Jyn cackled at the accomplishment of her own joke. “You know I meant Ben,” Jyn finally said as she came down from her laughter.

“They’re called Terrible Two’s for a reason,” Leia joked. “Honestly it’s a process to try and understand him.”

There was a contemplative silence between the two after the waitress came back to refill their glasses of water. Jyn continued to trace a finger along the rim of the glass while Leia took a sip out of her own.

“It’s always a bit of a process, isn’t it?” Jyn asked quietly.

Leia nodded. She knew. Jyn was confident that she knew. Being enlisted and married can be taxing in a relationship. Not that she and Cassian were married. But they may as well have been.

Or so she’d like to think.

Jyn sat back and slumped against the tall chair. “I mean, really, me being miserable by all this? I should’ve seen it coming. I don’t know what I was thinking. I even had a rule about it.” Don’t date a man who’s just going to be constantly sent on deployment. It was a rule she broke and, three deployments later, she’s been feeling emotionally drained about Cassian constantly being gone during times when people were just expected to be together.

“You know how it goes,” Cassian attempted to explain. “This is my job, please try to understand.”

She remembered nodding at him. “I understand.”

“I’m hoping I’ll be back within 6 months; at least, that’s what I’ve been told,” he said as he packed his duffle.

Jyn could only nod. She knew just as well as he did that the chain of command was never going to tell him exactly how long his deployment would be; why would they? The fewer the people in the know, the better. That sort of intel was above Cassian’s pay grade. Chances were good that she’d have to go through yet another Christmas without him, and the tone in his voice betrayed the hope he tried to exhibit to ease her.

Cassian stood up and took her face in his hands. “Please say you understand and mean it,” he pleaded, his eyes searching hers for some level of understanding.

Instead of looking him straight in the eye, Jyn had shut herself back into her memories as her eyes were downcast; she remembered the face of her father, and their final exchange before he was practically ripped away from him, her family torn apart and broken.

She opened her mouth, took a breath, and looked up at Cassian’s eyes. “I understand,” she said again, but the words felt hollower in her head as she recited them. The corners of her lips flicked upwards into a smile, an attempt to hide the loneliness she was already pre-emptively feeling.

Cassian smiled back, warm and loving as ever, and pulled her into a hug.

Jyn claimed she understood, but just like with her 8-year old self, saying that she understood was wildly different from actually understanding it. She so badly wanted to, but she just couldn’t, not this time. It chipped away at her with every passing week since.

It took her two weeks to learn that if she buried herself in her work, she could make herself so tired that she’d pass out on the couch and not think too hard about how cold their bed had become since his deployment.

“I’m sure Cassian’s trying his best,” Leia reached out to put a hand on Jyn’s. It twitched under her touch, as if it reviled the contact.

“He is. I know he is.” Jyn sighed. “But that doesn’t change the missed anniversaries, the missed parties, the constant stress of wondering when he’ll come back, assuming he comes back at all, and…”

Jyn couldn’t finish her sentence. No additional words were needed, however. Leia knew; she just came back from deployment herself.

“Are you sure you don’t want to spend Christmas with us? I’ve got my yearly Christmas party, and you can just save your Netflix binge for later that night,” Leia offered.

She nodded. “Kes and Shara already tried to invite me to their place, but honestly you guys are both married and have families to go to for the holidays. I’m used to being alone. It’s probably for the best, anyway- I’d rather not drag a holiday party down just because I miss him.” Because seeing the rest of you together is a reminder of what I can’t have right now.

Leia tried to open her mouth to make a counterargument, but she looked at Jyn from across their table, looking so drained from her crammed holiday work hours, that she thought better of it and shut her mouth. Instead, she closed her fingers around Jyn’s hand and squeezed them gently.

Jyn rolled her eyes, but then looked away shyly with a small chuckle. “That’s too much sentiment, Leia.”

“Alright, well,” Leia lifted her hand off Jyn’s and clasped it with her own in excitement. “Can I interest you in a good bottle of wine for Christmas to go with your Netflix binge-watching instead?”

She turned her head to gaze back at her with a wide grin. “Now we’re talking.”

Cassian sighed as he lay back on his bed and ran his thumb over a picture of him and Jyn at the beach. His skin had tanned a little more easily than Jyn, and he had turned a warm, golden tan as he wrapped his arms around Jyn’s chest from behind. Her pale arms, turning a bit pinkish from the intensity of the sunlight, were outstretched past the picture’s boundaries as she held her phone up for the selfie.

They were wet, sandy, and squinty from the sun. But they looked happy- the wide grin on her face and crinkled eyes paired well with his own soft, gentle smile.

It was one of the few photos they ever managed to take.

It seemed a bit asinine to print a physical picture when everyone had electronic devices. But Cassian learned that it was a lot better to brush a thumb over Jyn’s lips in the picture and not have to worry about swiping to the next photo in his album in the process.

He missed her lips; they made smiles that caused him to melt, they’d part ways as she exhaled in amusement at whatever dumb joke he had to make, and they pouted in such an adorable way whenever he had to go to work on Mondays, when he was back at his duty station.

There was a pang in his heart when he saw those same lips turned slightly downward as she saw him off so many months ago.

He’d been nearing the end of his 8th month of deployment; he wasn’t sure exactly when he’d return at this point. Another missed Christmas at this rate, he lamented.

It started to hurt to look at this beach photo. It was taken on a random date when they went out to the beach, a spur-of-the-moment day that should be cherished, surely, but…

The longer he was away from home, the more the picture became a reminder that this was all he could bring because there weren’t many occasions for them to take pictures in the first place.

“How much longer do you plan on staring at that picture, Cassian?” someone asked, entering the shared quarters he was in.

Cassian looked up. A dark-skinned man with an equally shaved head as his own towered over him, looking down at him quizzically.

“For as long as we’re still out here, Kay; I thought you knew that,” he responded with a chuckle.

Kay took a seat on his own cot across from Cassian. “Have you told her when we’re coming back yet?”

He shook his head slightly. “I’ve tried calling her twice, but she hasn’t picked up.”

“Is she avoiding you?”

“I’m sure she’s just busy at work.”

“To avoid you.”

“Kay,” Cassian reprimanded.

“Tell me how I’m wrong,” Kay challenged. “I’ll even bet she hasn’t responded to your bi-weekly email updates.”

Cassian refused to answer.

Kay hummed in response to the silence.

It was hard to refute that.

On Cassian’s first deployment, the first thing he did was leave an email for Jyn once he had access to WiFi. Her responses were rather quick. The honeymoon phase didn’t last that long, however, and Jyn started to sound more and more dispirited with time. After a few weeks, however, her responses were curt, and came at a much slower rate than before.

Hey Jyn,

We had to deal with some IEDs, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t handle. Just a minor convenience. I miss you, though. Tell me about your day? It’s been pretty boring here for the past week. How have you been?

Love,

Cassian

Her response?

Hey,

Things are fine. Busy at work, though. Haven’t been getting much sleep. I miss you too.

Jyn

On one hand, this wasn’t a surprise. He found out eventually that Jyn threw herself in her work whenever he left, signing up for back-to-back projects as lead programmer to fill in the time gaps. He was happy to see her do great things for SPAWAR’s software development division, especially as Saw’s right-hand woman, so he beamed with pride when Jyn’s email messages were short and didn’t reveal much about her day. A lack of words meant she was working hard on major projects, as even civilian contractors in the military are bound by stricter non-disclosure agreements.

About a month ago, Cassian missed her more and more, and wrote a longer email:

Jyn,

It’s been getting pretty chilly here. Reminds me of the times we’d cuddle on the couch while watching stupid shit on Amazon or Netflix. Hopefully you haven’t seen anything off our list yet! We still need to see Stranger Things. Please don’t watch it without me? I’ll know you cheated because you always make those cringey faces when you try to act like you don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t want a repeat of Kimmy Schmidt, haha

Cassian

Jyn’s response was short, as usual:

No guarantees, Andor. Get home sooner, or get better WiFi so we can binge-watch something again together. Otherwise you’ll have to eat my dust :P

It wasn’t as full of affection as he was hoping for, but perhaps she was busy with work again. Saw seemed like the type of person to push Jyn to her limits, and she wasn’t the type to back down from a challenge. He loved that about her.

But then came the bad news he had to convey to her just over a month ago:

Jyn,

Bad news. I don’t think I can make it in time for Christmas. I know I said this tour was supposed to take about 6 months (obviously, it’s month #7 now), but…you know how it is. They never tell us when we can come back.

I know we made plans to just veg out and maybe have a nice romantic meal together, and I’m really sorry that it’s come to this (again), but I really hope you understand. In fact, I’ll understand if you don’t answer back for a while- I’m sure you’ll need the space. I really am sorry. I don’t know what else I can do about it.

I miss you. I love you.

Cassian

She had yet to respond to that email.

The lack of a response entirely started to worry him. Surely, she would’ve found some time to talk about her free time with Leia and Shara? A complete lack of a response might be exactly as Kay described- an avoidance of him entirely. Have tensions ramped up that much between them because of his absence?

He sat up and buried his face in his hands. “I just want to go home,” he sighed.

“This is what you signed up for, Cassian,” Kay reminded him. “We all want to go home. I imagine you understood this, but surely you knew upon enlistment that you’d spend a chunk of your career being sent to different countries?”

“You know I didn’t really have a choice, Kay.”

“Indeed,” Kay answered. “When money is tight and career options in your hometown are shit, enlistment is a viable ticket out of your situation.”

Cassian’s voice lowered as he said, “The cost of that ticket is proving itself to be a lot higher than I anticipated,” more to himself than to his partner in crime.

There was a contemplative silence from Kay, then, “Your relationship seems a bit ironic though, doesn’t it?”

“I…what? What?” Cassian asked with an incredulous look.

Kay tilted his head inquisitively and said, “Your enlistment was a choice, and yet you knew that Jyn, a civilian, would have to be left behind during your inevitable deployments, even though you kept saying you wouldn’t leave her behind. Going on deployment means getting left behind a lot, no?”

The unusual heat wave today was already suffocating enough, but Kay’s inquisitiveness choked him outright.

“Are you coming home soon?” Jyn asked over the phone a few weeks ago.

“Jyn, you know I don’t know the answer to that.” He ran his palm across his buzz-cut hair as he sighed. If only he had his old hair length back before his enlistment- it was a lot easier to grab onto hair when he was feeling tense.

There was silence- a long silence, actually- made even longer by the satphone’s natural delay. Finally, before Cassian could dare to speak up and ask if she’s still there, there was a resigned sigh on Jyn’s end. “I don’t think you’ll ever be home for Christmas now that your job’s been bringing you out on tours to the Middle East as much as they are.”

“Jyn-“

“But it’s okay, really, I understand,” she said, talking over him though that damned delay. He shut his mouth to let her keep talking before anything broke her focus. “Your job comes first. It’s important to you. The guys in your unit are important to you,” Jyn tried to explain, but there was a pain and loneliness that lingered. “I couldn’t forgive you if you dropped everything like that just for me anyway.”

There was a pregnant silence, and Cassian could sense that she had more to say, but hesitation prevented her from continuing. He remained quiet, hopeful that she was still on the line and just needed time to get her point across.

“I just miss you, is all.” he finally heard her admit, more quietly than she had before, but it was a little hard to hear in the din of tank movement and machine operation happening just several yards away from him. “It’s not the same as hanging out with Leia or Shara. And even they have to be shipped off to other places.”

“People keep asking me what I want for Christmas,” she continued after another pause, “and honestly, all I want is you. I never got to have you for Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or New Year’s. We’ve gone on one Valentine’s date. We’ve only celebrated your birthday together once. And I don’t think we ever got around to doing something for mine.”

“But Jyn, you do know that this isn’t what I want out of us, right? I wish I could have every single one of those occasions with you; you know that, right?”

“I know, I know,” she responded, her voice still quiet, searching for strength, “I’m just…tired. Of a lot of this.”

The statement struck Cassian the wrong way. “What is that supposed to mean?” he asked immediately after she finished speaking in order to get an answer out of her sooner than later.

“Don’t worry about it. This is my problem, I think. This is what I signed up for when we started dating. I should know better. I’ll try harder to get over this, though, and then we can stop talking about it and move on to other things.”

“I don’t think framing it like that is healthy, Jyn.”

“What part of this whole thing is healthy right now?” she snapped, and he could hear her voice quiver at the word “healthy”.

His heart dropped. How could anyone respond to that?

There was a sounding BOOM in the distance, followed by gunfire.

“Jyn, I have to go. I’ll be home soon. I just don’t know exactly when. Hopefully I can call you again soon with better news,” Cassian said hurriedly, searching and reaching around him for his helmet and rifle. “I love you.”

“Please be sa-“

He inadvertently hung up on her as he dropped the satphone trying to grab the rest of his gear when the sounds of gunfire became more frequent. The phone lay on the ground as he ran out to join Kay and the others on the field.

“Jyn had a rough upbringing. She was orphaned, and then bounced around the system a lot. She used to say to me, ’they all leave, eventually’,” Cassian murmured, fiddling with his photo.

They sat in silence, accompanied only by the overlapping sounds of bootsteps outside their room. Kay tried to pat him on the shoulders to ease his tension a bit, but there still felt a heavy weight that Cassian was having a hard time bearing.

“I thought we could have both the job and the relationship,” Cassian said eventually, staring at the ground, his eyes glazed over. “We’re strong people; we’re supposed to be able to handle it. She’s one of the strongest people I know.”

“I believe it was Rook who once said that loneliness can weaken even the strongest of hearts.” Kay’s voice quieted as he continued, “I imagine Jyn surrounds herself with so many servicemembers in her day-to-day because of work that it gets lonely for her if everyone is gone a lot.”

Cassian lay back on his cot and groaned. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Kay fiddling with something in his hands. He tossed his photo aside and turned over in bed. There really wasn’t much he could do but try and get over his moping for a while longer before heading out for lunch.

“Cassian…?”

“What now, Kay?” he sighed.

“Since Christmas is coming up, would you like a Christmas present?”

Cassian turned his head to face Kay, who handed him an envelope.

It was unusual at best and suspicious at worst. Kay never gives Christmas presents. This has got to be a prank, Cassian thought. He propped himself back up to a sitting position and carefully opened the envelope, eyeing Kay with suspicion all the while.

A demure smile played on Kay’s lips, which concerned Cassian even further as he took the papers out. His eyes scrolled through the documents and they widened the further down his eyes scanned. He quickly snapped up to look at Kay. “Kay…” he started.

Kay’s smile morphed into a huge grin. “Merry Christmas, Cassian.”

Cassian felt Kay try to brace himself as he flung across the gap between their cots and pulled his friend into a tight embrace.

Kay merely patted him twice on Cassian’s back and rubbed his upper back briefly with the flat of his palm. It was probably the most amount of affection he could afford to give in one go, but Cassian was thankful nonetheless.

“I’ve learned over the three years of your relationship that her happiness is your happiness. I may be a pain in the ass, but I’d still hate to see my best friend unhappy.”

Cassian pulled back with a bright smile. “’Best friend’? You’re finally going to call me that?”

“Aaaaaaand, that’s enough affection for the rest of the year,” Kay declared as he brushed his shoulders off to scoot Cassian’s hands away.

Cassian was having a hard time trying to find the right words to describe his utmost gratitude towards his rather robotic friend. Instead, he responded with a simple “Thank you so much,” and decided that was more than enough for him.

Suddenly, he had a thought.

Cassian jumped up to his feet and scrambled to open up his laptop.

“Is something wrong, Cassian?” asked Kay.

“Not at all. I need to make a Skype call.”

“To Jyn?”

“No,” he responded with a wide grin. “To Leia.”

Jyn felt a blast of Christmas spirit hit her in the face as she opened the front door to Leia’s house on Christmas day. The air was thick with the smell of a holiday roast, combined with the heat from her fireplace and obnoxious vanilla and gingerbread air fresheners dotted throughout the home. Ben stood at the other side of the front door rug, staring up at Jyn. She couldn’t figure out if Ben was staring in adoration or scrutiny, but she didn’t want to stick around long enough to find out. So she dusted her boots off at the rug, shut the door, and patted Ben’s head a couple of times as she walked past him to head closer to the source of the typical Christmas music playing ahead of her.

“Jyn! Good to see you’ve rolled out of bed to join us!” Leia beamed as she saw Jyn enter the kitchen. She pulled Jyn into a tight bear hug.

“You wouldn’t stop calling me to come over,” Jyn grumbled, her arms pinned down at her sides from the aggressive embrace.

“I had to insist on it- at least come and help us eat all this food before you pass out drunk on your couch!”

“Well, I won’t say no to free food,” Jyn smirked as she handed Leia a bottle of champagne. “Can I leave your presents under the tree?”

Leia was in the middle of admiring the fact that Jyn bought her favorite brand. “Hmm? Yes, of course, thank you!”

Jyn headed over to the tree, where Ben stood yet again, eyeing her.

They engaged in a stare-down as she clutched her five presents- one for each Organa, followed by a present each for Luke and Han’s rather shaggy-haired best friend, Chuy.

“Ben,” she said in a curt greeting.

“Auntie Jyn,” Ben replied, still staring.

She slowly lowered herself to place the presents underneath the tree, not breaking eye contact with Ben. He used to be such a sweet child- the sudden animosity unnerved her.

“I’m leaving these here, but don’t touch them until your mom says you can,” she instructed.

Ben was unresponsive- instead he continued to stare at her as she slowly stood back up.

“Alright, Merry Christmas,” she said hesitantly as she backed away.

At the table, Ben’s mood seemed to have eased significantly as he sat on his dad’s lap, eating mashed potatoes.

“Shame Cassian can’t come home for Christmas,” Han said, taking a sip of his favorite whiskey on the rocks.

Jyn shrugged. “It is what it is. I’d rather not talk about it.”

Han chuckled. “Yeah, just stuff your face and drink with us at the very least- Leia outdid herself and made way too much food.”

She looked up at the spread of food across the elongated table. There was an assortment of hors d'oeuvres on one end, followed by roasted turkey, honey-baked ham, mashed potatoes, and roasted vegetables, which were then padded on the other side by an array of pies, cakes, puddings, and other desserts.

Leia had made all this?

“I mean, I know Luke brought some of the deviled eggs, and you brought the champagne, and Chuy brought the best cake in the table, but…yeah, the second Leia came back from deployment she went to town on her recipe book trying to come up with things to make for Christmas. Eventually she couldn’t narrow it down so she decided to just make ‘em all.”

She gawked. “Honestly, there’s so much food here I feel like I could get into a food coma.”

“Where do you think Luke and Chuy are right now?” Han said with a grin.

Jyn snorted into her glass as she took a sip. She started to feel like less of an intrusion at Leia’s party.

“Hey, Jyn?”

“Yeah?” she responded in between bites of turkey.

“You ever get those problems with internet connections on Skype?”

She thought back to her last Skype call with Cassian. It had been a while…about 6 months now? She felt a little guilty by that realization, but she smiled fondly at the memory. “Yeah, Cassian’s internet was so spotty for a while on-base that he nearly threw his laptop to the wall. It took him 5 tries just to say, ‘I love you’ without the call cutting off.”

Han laughed as he fed Ben a spoonful of ripped up turkey. “Yeah, once I tried to tell Leia that Ben had started to learn his ABCs for the first time, but she demanded proof on Skype, so I put him in front of the camera, but Ben refused to do it at first…When he finally got around to it, the video call kept cutting out.”

“Hah! Did she scream at her laptop?”

“Yeah! but because the video call was spotty, it turned into intermittent screeching that terrified Ben and he wouldn’t stop crying.”

Jyn had to put her fork and knife down to cover her mouth as her shoulders shook with laughter. “You should’ve just sent her a video!”

“I tried! But she demanded to see it live. Like hell that was gonna work with her internet connection.”

“Better than satphone calls, though!”

“Don’t even get me started on those. I swear those delays make up a bulk of our fights while she’s away! It’s a shocker that news anchors don’t blow up when they have a delay in talking to someone broadcasting live from ‘out on the field’.”

They kept swapping stories about the communication mishaps they experienced when their significant others were out on deployment. Jyn knew it was a deliberate attempt on Han’s part to try and cheer her up- as if to say, “you and I are on the same boat!”- and while she knew her circumstances weren’t quite the same, she appreciated the effort. So, she continued to play along with it; at least it gave her something to laugh about.

She and Han kept up their “dependent banter” for a while until Leia showed up with another casserole dish, this time with cheesy scalloped potatoes.

“Before I forget,” Leia started, placing the dish down in front of her on the table, “I do have your present, but it’s too big to fit under the tree, so I left it in my room. You can grab it when you’re done eating.”

“At the end of the hall, right?”

“Yeap! Han, Ben, Kay, and I worked really hard on it, so consider it a mega-present from the four of us.”

Jyn arched an eyebrow. “Kay is in on this present, too?”

Leia flashed a playful smile as she handed Jyn a glass of the champagne she brought.

“I’m afraid to go in your room now,” she said. “Kay doesn’t do Christmas…what the he-“ She paused to look down at Ben, his wide eyes fixated on Jyn, as if he were daring her to get the next word out.

Jyn backtracked. “Double-you-tee-eff are you guys plotting if Kay is in on this, Leia?”

“I promise it’s not a prank, just trust me on this one,” Leia said simply before setting out to hoard Luke’s deviled eggs. “Oh, but if you’re going to get your present, I’ll need to wake up Luke and Chuy- they’ll want to witness this.”

“Okay, now I’m convinced this is a prank. I’m not going to go in your room.”

“Alright,” Leia said with feigned disappointment as she slapped a scoop of the scalloped potatoes onto Jyn’s plate. “Eat that first, have a slice of cake, then go to my room and get your present. I’m not letting you leave without it.”

Jyn sighed as she took a mouthful of creamy, hot potatoes. Leia outdid herself this time, she had to admit- the food was delicious.

But soon enough, her meal was over and Jyn couldn’t eat another bite.

Leia pulled her up and pushed her in the direction of the hallway.

Jyn gulped. The master bedroom door was closed.

Whatever the present was, it was on the other side.

If a clown was somehow hiding on the other side of that door, she resolved to punch the clown, then punch Leia immediately after.

She padded towards the door with extreme caution, carefully listening to any sounds, any ruffles, any…balloon-rubbing or nose-squeaks.

No such sounds were detected when she finally got face-to-face with the door.

She gripped the doorknob gingerly, twisted it slowly, and pushed the door open before flicking on the lights.

There was someone on the other side of that door, indeed, but it was no clown.

“Hey.”

Jyn’s eyes widened.

In front of her stood Cassian, still in uniform, his luggage on the floor. His arms were loosely and playfully wrapped in wrapping paper, and a bright red bow was stuck on the top of his head.

He smiled shyly. “I’m home.”

Jyn stood frozen at the doorway.

She took a breath, then quickly stormed out of the room.

“Wait, Jyn!” Cassian yelled out, waddling at first from the limitations of the wrapping paper. Upon realizing how absurd it was to let himself be held back by the paper, he spread his arms open to free himself and ran after her.

Jyn had slid along the hardwood floor and glared at Leia, who had her phone already poised to film all this.

“WHAT THE FUCK, LEIA?!” Jyn yelled.

Han pressed his hands over Ben’s ears. “Language!”

She pointed at Han accusingly. “NO. YOU SHUT YOUR FACE. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!”

Cassian walked out of the hallway and approached Jyn cautiously. “Should I…not have come back?”

She whipped around to look at Cassian. “You said it would still be a few months. I…” her shoulders sank. “I thought I was going to have to spend another Christmas without you. I spent so much time just trying to forget you for the holidays, just to make it easier on me…”

“You did say that all you wanted for Christmas was me, no?”

He wasn’t wrong, but Jyn found herself at a loss for words. “Yeah but…but how?”

Cassian smiled. “Kay pulled some strings- got me a flight home and a week’s worth of leave.”

She turned to Leia again. “Is this what you meant when you said Kay helped out?”

Leia nodded, the phone still up. “Then Cassian Skyped me to help plan the surprise. Han picked him up from the airport and wrapped him up in paper, and Ben put on the bow.”

Jyn looked at Cassian again, the red bow still adhered to the top of his head. Her vision started to cloud- she just couldn’t believe it.

“I thought I’d never get to spend any holidays with you, ever,” she said, her voice cracking.

Cassian stepped even closer to her, his voice gentle. “I worried about that too. When Kay gave me the plane ticket, I realized I should’ve been trying harder to ease your stress while I’m gone. I don’t want you to keep thinking that I wouldn’t be around when it mattered.”

Jyn didn’t hesitate to run and jump up into his arms.

She was overwhelmed by it all. Her body trembled the more she thought about it, and she clung onto Cassian as if her life depended on it. Her face streamed with tears, and a part of her prayed that Leia wouldn’t use this moment of weakness against her in the future.

Another part of her didn’t care, however, because Cassian- her Cassian- was back home for Christmas for the first time in the three years they’d been dating.

She opened an eye and saw Leia in the corner, her phone aimed at the couple, no doubt still recording this reunion. Their eyes met and she winked.

Merry Christmas, the wink seemed to say.

Jyn nodded subtly at her. Thank you.

Cassian finally managed to pull away just enough so that they could look at each other face-to-face. “I’m sorry I kept making you feel abandoned,” he whispered. “But believe me when I say this: when it comes to deployment, yes, I have to leave…but I will always come back.”

Jyn sniffed and shook her head, “I’m sorry I kept expecting the worst out of you,” she answered back quietly, not wanting to reveal too much to the small group of people still applauding around them.

He kissed her forehead before resting his forehead on hers to nuzzle her nose. It made Jyn warm up a little more, a welcome feeling given her frustration with how cold it’s been. She let herself sink into his embrace a little bit more to bask in the warmth.

She took a deep breath to take in his scent for the first time in several months, and sighed contentedly. “Our bed was cold without you around,” she mumbled into his uniform.

He caressed her jawline and traced his fingers down to her chin to lift her head up. The look in his eyes was loving with a hint of playfulness as his other hand rested at her hips, squeezing gently with desire. Cassian then smirked and licked his lips briefly. “Let’s warm it up tonight, then.”

#carr crashh heartss #rebelcaptainsecretsanta #therebelcaptainnetwork #rebelcaptain #fanfic #sleepy fics #rebelcaptain secret santa #this one was tough to wrangle with #but so worth it #hope you enjoy #it's kinda angsty #i was in a mood lol #(also posting this at the appropriate time but i had to post it on ao3 ahead of time for scheduling reasons)

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polymolly · 6 years

Text

The Last jedi spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.

There are not many movies lately that left me satisfied after the end of it so I’m please to say new Star Wars gave me the kind of filmgasm that I craved for. It was a really great movie, they’ve succesfully continued from where they left it in TFA. I was invested and entertained and through most of it not at all disappointed. I definitely need the novelisation now, to get deeper into it, but for now I need to get through the good and bad things.

- I loved the fact that Kylo was suffering after killing Han. It was visible and clear that he’s not able to deal with it as he hoped he would. It left him broken and lost and it was beautiful.

- I really appreciate showing that he did not pulled the triggger in that fighter. It spoke loud about the state of his mind.

- Poe being too much of a hothead was meh

- Leia slapping him back to reality on the other hand 👀

- LEIA USING FORCE TO GET BACK TO THE SHIP LIKE WHAT THE FUCK GIMME MORE RIGHT NOW 👀👀👀👀👀

- Leia being General

- LEIA IN GENERAL

- Finn and Poe scenes. Golden.

- Rey’s go with the flow~ right into the dark side and comming back unharmed ♥

- The “link” between Rey and Kylo and how they developed through it

- Not in romantic way, don’t give me that shit. There was nothing romantic about it

- Luke’s being affraid of the dark side so much that he tried to kill Kylo when he was supposed to be the one who sees the good side of people cause that’s what he did with Vader. Why he couldn’t do the same for Ben?

- I’m not saying it was bad. Good shit right there, it puts some perspective on both of them. But it was really interesting, new POV.

- Rey being Ben’s advocate is another good thing. She is what Luke was supposed to be. A good one.

- Maybe too idealistic and naive tbh, but it’s not like she had no reasons

- Finn caring SO MUCH FOR REY HELP THEIR BOND IS SO PURE

- Rose cutie patootie, badass little motherfucker, you go girl!

- I mean, her story and how much she cared and everything! Such great, deep character!

- Poe’s comment on Holdo was super sexist, like...

- And the constant ignoring her orders... I get that he had good reasons but that was so OOC, literally. He’s not like that, not at all. They coul’ve done it better.

- FINN COMING BACK TO THE FIRST ORDER SHIP FOR THE RESISTANCE LIKE, LOOK AT MY BRAVE BRAVE BOY STANDING UP TO HIS ABUSERS AND GETTING OVER HIS PAST

- LOOK AT HIM

- Badass BB-8

- I refuse to believe Holdo’s and Leia’s “I like him” about Poe was about his looks. They were talking about how the resistance needs people so devoted to the cause even if they don’t think straight sometimes and nothing you’ll say won’t change my mind about that

- I mean, what am I even... Poe is gay af, he never thinks straight

- Okay he may think straight sometimes cause he may be bi. But he’s definitely gay for Finn.

- SNOKE BEING THE FUCKING ABUSER HE ALWAYS WAS.

- Don’t Touch My Boy Ever Again or I’ll reap your balls off. If they’re still there.

- Kylo switching the lightsaber on with The Force. Iconic™

- Seriously, such a cool nod to the fanbase.

- Kylo standing up to Snoke in his own way is always good.

- Just as Rey/Kylo temporary alliance is good. That was really amazing thing to watch, I loved it.

- What I did not loved was Kylo stepping up in the Snoke’s place and as much as I adored what had happened with him TO THIS POINT I hated that he chose this path

- But at the same time I like it and uderstand it. Just as Rey is what Luke was supposed to be, Kylo is what Vader should have been. I’m just a little sad that my fav boy won’t turn to the light side anytime soon.

- Or at all, for that matter

- And their duel was so cool

- THE CRYSTAL FOXES!!!!!

- Honestly, the whole Crait was such a beautiful place. I love red, I love red on white and the colors there were just mesmerizing. All those crystals. I want it to be my home planet for the rest of my life.

- But the Rose/Finn kiss was totally unnecessary.

- I’m ranting about it here, and just as I said - I get that she can be crushing on him, she has plenty of reasons, but if she deserves a kiss then so does Poe. It just feel forced af.

- Especially that for most of time she’s the only one showing interest. Finn only does so AFTER the kiss.

- Rey moving these stones like, that’s my girl <3

- Kylo getting fucked over by Luke, lmao

- The entire scene is really interesting tbh. Kylo is so angry that he can’t tell the difference between the reality and the illusion, Luke tells him he will stay with him forever if the thing will end up like this. Luke tells he’s sorry - and I would really like for Kylo to take it in in the episode IX just as he did with killing Han. He needs to take it in.

- Luke’s passing away. I like how he’s in peace with his past here and just decide to let go. But I’m still not sure if his apologies were sincere or he just wanted to get over with it. I want to belive it was - because of what Rey told him.

TL;DR

I really liked the movie despite few flaws (like the obvious try to make us give up one Poe). I loved the CGI and character development for most part. It was a really great adventure and I would love to see it again soon. I wonder what else they have in store for us. I can’t wait to see it all.

Just please, Lucasfilm - treat my babies with respect they deserve.

#star wars #the last jedi #star wars the last jedi #sw tlj #swtlj #spoilers #HUGE SPOILERS #LONG POST #sw spoilers #star wars spoilers #tlj spoilers #kylo ren #ben solo #luke skywalker #leia organa #rey #finn #poe dameron #rose tico

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quantumgender · 4 years

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pride ask game by @.hogwartsonline!

i wanted to do this but know i don’t have enough followers here yet to get asks, so i did it myself! under the cut bc it’s long!

1 - What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

i’m quantumgender! its a polygender identity that looks nonbinary/xenic, but is actually made up of man, woman, nonbinary, and xenic identities! i am also pearlian - it’s basically a term for being mlm wlw nblnb and everything in between! i also call myself bi, nonbinary, and trans!

i have a bunch of pronouns, but some of my favs right now are ne/neo, xe/xeno, thon/thons, foe/foes, 🧪, 📟, 🪐, and ⚡! i also use he/him, and it is also my aux if you can’t use neopronouns or emoji pronouns because of neurodivergence or incompatible tech with emojis.

2 - How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

my journey to discovering my sexuality is actually pretty triggering, so please don’t read if you’re uncomfortable with sexual coercion

for a very long time i knew i was attracted to guys! however, i didn’t know i was attracted to girls. i did however, exhibit a lot of signs to be attracted to girls that i didn’t realize - like refusing to go into victoria’s secret, not wanting to watch straight prn because it had women in it, etc. i always thought if i looked at a woman in a sexual sense it would “make me gay” - not realizing that most straight women don’t mind naked women and don’t think looking at them is weird. because i was pretty obviously attracted to women but didn’t know it, this led to a group of “friends” using my inability to back down from dares in order to make me do a lot of sexual things involving women that i otherwise would have been terrified to do. they were a group of wlw that made fun of me for not being “wlw” (i was unaligned nonbinary at the time and they constantly misgendered me). they would tease me until i would write sexual things about women, view sexual imagery of women, or even do sexual acts with a specific girl i (unknowingly) had a crush on.

this did help me realize that i was bi, and i came upon the label bi immediately because i did then (and still do) have a slight preference for men. even though the road to me discovering my sexuality was very uncomfortable, i am still very proud to be bi and i love my identity

3 - Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

i have been misgendered multiple times! i don’t have too many specific stories because as i am mostly closeted, i am misgendered every day of my life and i’m kind of numb to it. because of that, the most glaring examples of me being misgendered were in LGBT+ spaces.

i used to introduce myself saying that people could use he or she pronouns for me. (actually, even though i do not have them listed, i do use she/her pronouns. i simply do not list them online because i get she/her’d constantly in day to day life so i prefer different pronouns online). a lot of cis people would find this confusing and instead of choosing one pronoun to reference me as, they would default to “they/them” which i have never been comfortable with as a pronoun choice. sometimes i have let this slide, but the one time i did speak up, the cis person looked almost pissed off at me for doing so. to combat this i just started introducing myself as “she/her” so i wouldn’t be misgendered by people getting confused by my multiple pronoun sets and defaulting to “they/them”

the worst was the group in the previous question though. the girl who i had a crush on would always refer to me as they/them even though i told her multiple times those weren’t my pronouns. i never felt like my gender was recognized when i had my (very very short lived) “relationship” with her (it was like 2 weeks long so i don’t think it counts).

4 - Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

i don’t remember who i told first that i was nonbinary (this is the first LGBT+ identity i ever realized i was). it was a really long time ago. it might have been the person who introduced me to tumblr, and if so, they were probably really excited for me :)

5 - Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

i do not consider myself “out.” although on my college campus i was able to present in a way that aligned more with how i wanted to present (in a fluid manner, switching between wearing masculine, androgynous, and feminine clothing), i still was not “out.” and i didn’t tell anyone besides my friends and a few close teachers what my identity was (bi nonbinary). my parents, many of the people i went to high school with, and in my future job, i will be completely closeted because i live in an incredibly conservative area and could easily be denied a job or rejected (probably only partially, but it would still hurt a LOT) but my parents.

6 - If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

i’m only out to my friends, they all took it very well. some of the teachers i’ve told seemed really shocked. this is mostly because i only outed myself to speak out on things they were teaching that were blatantly queerphobic, or to give context to a story/argument.

7 - What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

i really don’t like when people assume that because i’m bi i don’t date trans or nonbinary people. like, ffs, i am trans and nonbinary! bi does not mean two, it has always been inclusive, and i really don’t like when people (mostly gatekeepers) try to rewrite history in a way that insinuates that bi is a transphobic identity.

8 - Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

i have two distinct wardrobes - a “grunge/vintage” wardrobe, and a “alt/punk” wardrobe. my vintage wardrobe contains a bunch of flannels, ripped jeans, and band t shirts from classic rock bands - i have van halen and the who, for example. this aesthetic involves a lot of muted colors like mustard yellow, rust red/orange, and olive green.

for my alt wardrobe, i have a lot of black. i have shirts that say things like “they came from outer space” in old-timey horror font, some band t shirts (my fav is from my friend’s metal band), a zodiac themed crop top, and one crop top with a pentagram in the back!

i like these styles because i can wear them as masculine, androgynous, or feminine. i tend to wear a lot of denim and i love my converse and my docs!

9 - Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

um for canon ones kaworu and shinji’s relationship really is important to me personally! it was the first LGBT+ relationship i saw in a piece of media i actually loved beyond the representation.

for other ships i really love, a lot of them are my personal ships/headcanons. i really like cable and deadpool together, and i like imagining luke, and leia both being married/partners with han!

10 - What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

makeup for me is an artistic expression! i wear it sometimes when i have the time and energy. i can do a bunch of looks - i can even make myself look more masculine with makeup, which helps when i feel dysphoric about the way i look.

11 - Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

yes, i do! i experience a bunch of different kinds of dysphoria, but none are sever enough that they would be classified as clinical dysphoria (i mean this that they do not cause me severe depression, dissociation, or other severe symptoms).

i experience a lot of social dysphoria when i am referred to a girl very often, or explicitly excluded from masculine related things (for example, if somebody said i was “too dainty” to lift something [which would not happen because i’m pretty muscular] i would feel dysphoric). i feel euphoric when i am included with both men and women, or referred to with attributes of both of these genders.

as for physical dysphoria, i experience a lot of genital dysphoria, especially surrounding sexual acts. in my day-to-day, i don’t really think about my genitals much, but when it comes to sexual acts, i am very dysphoric about the parts i have.

i also experience varying levels of physical dysphoria. i have a lot of height dysphoria, and i dislike how wide my hips are - i like how large my thighs are, but not how wide my hips are (they’re not even that wide, but when i bind they’re more pronounced without the stuff on top to level it out). i am also dysphoric at times due to my jawline since my chin isn’t as strong as i would like it to be. and, ofc, sometimes i bind. these physical dysphoria features fluctuate from day to day. specifically with binding, sometimes it’s more “hmm, do boobs go with this outfit?” rather than a matter of dysphoria.

12 - What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

oh god, so many things. i think the most harmful one is that the community is full of p*dophiles who abuse children... this one really harms me in particular because i’m a teacher. like no, we are not “harmful sexual deviants” we just experience gender differently and love different people than you do...

13 - What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

i love the supportive parts. i love having a group of likeminded people who i know will respect me when i talk to them. even if i have nothing in common with them, just seeing LGBT+ people open and proud on tiktok makes me feel incredibly loved and validated.

14 - What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

the gatekeeping and discourse within the community itself. for the love of god, please just treat people like human beings. t*rfs and tr*scum especially make me feel incredibly unsafe and like i have to hide parts of my identity in order to even navigate spaces that are meant for LGBT+ people. i also get incredibly, irredeemably angry at people who joke “those are the weird LGBT+ people we’re the normal ones” and shit like that. like you’re not quirky, you’re just bullying people for clout.

15 - Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

yes, i’ve been to pride in 2 different cities! 1 i went to before i knew i was bi, and 1 after! personally i wasn’t old enough at either of them to truly enjoy the event, but it was nice being able to get some LGBT+ related stuff! i got a tiny rainbow flag!

16 - Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

i love keiynan lonsdale! i don’t actually keep up with too many LGBT+ celebs...oh wait! kesha’s bi! i love her...

17 - Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

i’ve been in one real relationship. we met on tumblr.

18 - What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

i’ve only read simon vs... i honestly don’t read things just because they’re LGBT+, and reading in general is really difficult for me to do now because i have a lot of trouble concentrating.

19 - Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

i haven’t faced anything too bad. i’ve heard a lot of discriminatory things said (mostly by parents who i can only sometimes argue against). one time a kid in 8th grade called me the d slur, which was horrying as a 13 yo who didn’t even know he was attracted to girls at the time. but again, i’m closeted so i haven’t experienced much

20 - Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

sense8!!!! it has a mlm relationship, a wlw relationship with a trans woman... i really loved it, i’m still so upset it got cancelled :(

21 - Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

i’m going to skip this one, sorry! i love everyone that i follow tho!

22 - Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

i personally don’t reclaim any slurs. i refer to myself as queer, but i don’t count it as a slur personally, as it’s an identity for me, not just a word. i do respect people who are triggered by it though.

23 - Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

there aren’t any gay bars where i live, so no.

24 - How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

i self-id as quantumgender! it’s a gender that on first glance, looks like one thing, but once you look up close, you see it actually has many small moving parts that make up the whole.

on the outside my gender looks “nonbinary” or xenic. i love both of these terms and they’re great for describing my overall experience. however, when you look up close, my gender is actually parts man, girl, nonbinary, and xenic, and they fluctuate (like they would on a quantum level!) so it just... describes my gender very well, especially how my gender fluctuates!

25 - Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

i don’t think so. there’s a lot of reasons and many of them are personal and i just.. i don’t think so.

26 - What identity advice would you give your younger self?

this isn’t identity advice so much as kindness advice but - don’t look down on others for their identity and don’t let anyone else convince you to treat people like they are less than human. we should support each other, not tear each other down.

27 - What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

these gender roles taste disgusting

28 - Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

gender go brrrrrr aeiouaioue john madden

29 - What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

being LGBT+ should be about lifting each other up even if their experiences don’t align with our own, and helping other communities that need our support. if you don’t love black LGBT+ ppl and other LGBT+ poc, if you don’t love disables LGBT+ ppl, if you don’t love mentally ill LGBT+, if you don’t love trans and nonbinary people... you’re not LGBT+, because you don’t support everyone that is included, supported, and loved within our community. if you don’t love all of us, you are poisoning our spaces of positivity and social change and you don’t belong with us.

30 - Why are proud to be lgbt+?

i... i don’t know. to me, my identities are just a part of me. they aren’t something to be happy or sad about, or proud or ashamed of. they just... are, and i love them as a part of me.

#personal #long post

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