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endereies · 24 days

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Fuck it - Matt Sturniolo - Part 8

Spotify playlist:

Summary: Fem!oc x Matt Sturniolo

Growing up with parents who make her feel isolated, what happens when she meets Matt. A person who introduces her to new people, new experiences and new feelings.

Authors notes:

sorry this took like two weeks to finish, school was stressing me out and i couldnt bring myself to write anything major sooo

Warnings: swearing, idfk at this point lol

Word count: 2074

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

“Is this something we are meant to do?”

“Fuck it.”

“Jesus Matt, what took you so lo- oh.” Chris turns to face me, meeting my exhausted expression as I rubbed my face. “Rough night?”

“Alyia and I were messaging all night; I think I slept…? Maybe an hour at best” My eyes immediately side eye Chris when I see him start to smirk at me. “Oh, shut up Chris. At least I’m talking to a girl”

“Nick is quick to stop our bickering by setting some food down in front of Chris and I, one by one. My body slumps down to the chair next to me, my head heavily hitting the pillow underneath me.

I raise an eyebrow to Nick, adjusting myself slowly in my seat.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t fucking burn it this time...” I smile to myself when I hear his sighs, tired of me bringing it up. Nick returns to the kitchen counter to get his own share of waffles, along with some syrup he had previously subsided for himself.

“So, what were you and Alyia chatting about?” Chris’s words emit around and mouth full of food, making me grimace before I think about my answer.

“Just, stuff I guess…nothing special.” An arm leans over my body to pick up a waffle that I then dip into some extra syrup that had dripped off.

“Don’t look at me like that Chris, I can fucking feel you staring.” I glare over to Chris, his eyes already staring into mine. “What…you meet a girl and suddenly you stay out late with her in random places that you wont even tell us about, and you stay up all night talking over the phone with her. You can’t tell me that’s not weird.

“That’s not weird.” I simply roll my eyes once he starts his typical mocking.

“You have to admit Matt, this is really uncommon for you, you don’t even do that with Nate half the time.” Nick shrugs his shoulders, keeping his gaze towards his food.

“Why do you encourage him, Nick…” I let a sigh brush pass my lips and roll my eyes.

Nick goes to speak again but the chime of my phone interrupts him.

Alyia🎸:

‘Hey Matt, are we still down for practice today?’

“Lemme guess, that’s Alyia” Instantly, Chris chimes in and I glare at him again. He instantly holds his hands up by his head in defence, standing up to take his plate to the kitchen. My phone chimes again and I pick it up to respond, I feel Nick’s eyes on me again, so I look at him. I nod my head reluctantly at him showing that Chris was right, not that I would admit that to him.

“Hey! Glad to know you came, I didn’t know if you would after the amount that I kept you up last night.” Her words see to mumble as her body becomes closed off to me.

“It’s fine, I’m just surprised that my parents or brothers yelled at me this morning for being awake so long.” A clear attempt at a joke is made yet her tight-lipped smile made me regret my choice of words. “Oh… sorry I didn’t mean to.”

“Don’t worry about it, Matt, I’m fairly used to their distancing at this point to be honest, I don’t want you to apologize for anything.” Her smile changes to one of sincerity, making me return it back.

“I just feel bad…you know?”

“Why?” The genuine curiosity confused me. “I have learnt to adapt to them; besides I have some pretty awesome people around me, I’m not in complete solitude.”

Her words linger in my brain, perhaps more than they should.

I’ve learnt to adapt to them.

It sounded too nonchalant for a sentence of high intensity. I had seen this happen multiple times now, especially around her mom. Only, I simply never wanted to pry. The night she stayed over for the first time, her mom called her. The contact’s name was a start, her full legal name was on show with no emojis or care. I thought it was odd but when the voices transferred and mingled over the phone it began a little too clear, no matter how hard she had tried to hide it. The mood swings when she was mentioned was one that I had grown unexpectedly familiar too. I had tried to avoid that topic whenever I could and luckily Nick and Chris hadn’t mentioned it either.

“Matt?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry…” My hand subconsciously rubs the back of neck before wrapping around the chain of my necklace. “What did you say?”

“I was just wondering if you wanted to try any of the songs we mentioned last night.”

I couldn’t shake this morning all that well, I didn’t know why either. She wasn’t saying anything in a way to make me question it. I didn’t even know the entire story, but I knew enough.

“Uhm, excuse me? You’re Matthew, right?” A steady voice came from beside me as I walked, dragging me from my thoughts. My body turns to face where the sound comes from, and I notice a boy about my age walking by my side.

“Yeah? Can I help you.” I slow my pace down to a more comfortable pace and I pay attention to him, the slight smile below the glasses which round his face, the darker skin matching his black hair which was tied into loose dreads. He wore a lot of leather, patched with badges and band logos which for the most part were recognisable to me.

“Actually yeah, were you the one who played drums at the talent show two or so months ago?”

“With Damien, Jess and Martha? I was, why?” I get intrigued the more I listen to his voice and the rasps that emit every few words.

“Miss Ackley has been putting together some type of music club shit, after school! She asked a few of us to get together some people who might be interested in joining a band or any form of music club to enhance skill.” His words ramble together, and I try and comprehend them as best as I can.

“Like a band camp?” My eyebrow raises at him, and we pause when I reach my locker, trying to show my interest while putting the pin for it in.

“Sorta, we are planning a ‘band camp’ trip for the end of the year but for now it’s a space to form bands and people to adapt our skill sets in.” He can tell I’m hesitant over this, I mean this is what I have Alyia for, right?

“We aren’t looking for any answers today, simply that you consider it. And if it isn’t your ideal situation, then you could share this to anyone who might be interested.” A flyer stands between me and the boy, decorated in deep yellows and blues spreading behind multiple instruments and equipment.

“I’ll have a look into that, thanks.”

“Of course, if you have any questions about it, my number is at the bottom of that sheet.” He beams at me, and I just look down to find the number, taking my time since my lack of sleep affects my vision.

After that he walks away with a small wave from his wrist, but my gaze heavily remains on the paper in my hand. Everything seems manually drawn to match each other and I admire the colours and patterns before my eyes trace the text. My body walks forward towards the music room, letting muscle memory take over while I keep reading over things. After a paragraph or so I look at the number again and notice a name marked next to it – Benjamin.

My hand reaches the door handle and I push it open to meet Alyia. Her hands tracing over each string gently to produce a small hum, barely audible from her headphones. I stand there for a bit watching her play, she just seemed so relaxed but that could just be the lack of sleep. The small hair stands which fall slowly don’t seem to bother her as she keeps strumming softly.

“Are you going to keep staring or what” her voice grabs my attention even though her body doesn’t change position until her sentence is over.

“Oh, uhm sorry.” I mutter before swiftly moving and shutting the door behind me, placing my bag next to the leather seats.

“Have you been handed one of these yet?” I lay the sheet onto the seat next to her and watch as she stops playing and sets down her guitar. Her headphones now rest on her neck as she scans the paper.

“What is this?” She shoots a confused look at me, but I try not to pay too much attention to it.

“Just read it and find out…” I playfully roll my eyes at Alyia and move to sit over by my drum kit.

“Band camp? That’s some corny shit, don’t tell me you’re going to that ‘camp rock’ shit.” She tries to joke but her face falters when I don’t reciprocate her smile.

“Actually, I was…and it’s not ‘camp rock’. It’s a social place to help practice with other people, and then a summer camp at the end of the year to go and meet professionals and go to a festival to perform.”

“Oh...my bad.” A brief and awkward silence falls over us until I decide to speak again.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to join me but…” I swing side to side on my chair as my voice dims down.

“Matt, I don’t like crowds and besides I practice solo. This isn’t something I am exactly interested in.”

“You practice with me fine enough?” I try and convince her a little, but she only rolls her eyes at me.

“You’re different, you know that.” She pauses abruptly to stare me noticing my immediate smile. “Don’t let that get your head.”

“Too late for that.” I remain smirking at her, but Alyia just glares at me back, I move past that pretty quick and relax my body down on my seat.

“C’mon” I drag out the syllables as I talk, getting up to stand in front of her. “It could be real fun, extra practice between us…and other people of course.”

“Okay. Don’t say it like that first of all.” Her voice quiets after her words and I attempt to gain her attention back with a slight wave of my hand.

“And second?” my face relaxes from its previous smile and changes to a more curious one.

“Second of all…I’ll think about it…” Alyia’s words soften and are quiet due to her admission.

“Yes!” my stupid smile is met with her own as I jump from my seat and pick up the information sheet by her side and start to ramble through the text.

Alyia pov:

I don’t even know why I had given in to matt so easily, but I guess I just didn’t want to let him down. He seemed so excited and yet I wasn’t, I can’t remember the last time I ever played music in front of anyone, except Matt. The more he rambled next to me, the less of his words I remembered. I heard his voice clearly, but I was internally planning what situations might arise if I did show up. It didn’t seem like a lot but as someone who has been separated from people most of their life, this was a big deal.

The bell rang and made both Matt and I jump at the sudden sound that echoed through the hallways.

Matt grabs a few of his things and places them back into his bag and slides the sheet back over to rest next to my leg.

“Promise me you’ll consider it? At least…” his eyes stare into mine, almost begging me to think about it, as if he can’t handle his own in a small crowd of people.

“Fine. Only because you asked me alright?” I stand up and swing my bag over my shoulder.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” The nickname catches me off guard, like it has every other time, and he smiles at the shocked expression on my face and walks away quickly.

My body stays still in its position for a short while longer, processing the nickname. He hasn’t done it without some sort of comforting context to it and this was different.

And in public.

@melliflws @axolotllover225 @yuhayeee @st7rnioioss @sturn-bugz @sturniolosmind @worldlxvlys @patscorner @breeloveschris @y0urm4m @bernardsbendystraws @junnniiieee07 @raysmayhem-72 @luverboychris

#sturniolo triplets #sturniolo #matt sturniolo #chris sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #nick sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo

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daegall · 2 years

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"Things I do for you."

pairing: spiderman!mark x reader

genre: fluff, established relationship!AU, spiderman!AU

warnings: none (i think?)

word count: 852 words

a/n: happy late birthday to the bestest boy everr!!!!!!!!! this was a bit overdue LOL but i really wanted to post something for mark ^^ been in my major mark feels recently i couldnt help myself hehe

i know i havent been posting a lot, and that's because my new school semester had just started and i still trying to adapt and get used ot everything :) (got too comfortable for summer beak HAHA) been a stressful couple of weeks for me recently, and i haven't really gotten better, but i hope it do <3 i hope you all do to!!!!

networks/taglist: @neoturtles @knet-bakery @ficscafe @kflixnet @k-radio @nct-writers + @soobin-chois @addictedtothesummernights @markhyuckselca @jaehunnyy <3

Wednesday's are for staying up late and doing whatever you want, playing whatever games you want, watching as many movies as you want, anything, because you have nothing to do on Thursdays, no classes or extra tutoring like every other day.

And due to this, you wake up at 10 or 11 on Thursday. But today, when you wake up, and reach out for your phone to check the time, you are pleasantly surprised at the time being 09:27 AM.

You proceed to shift to a more comfortable spot on your bed, bringing your phone closer to your face to clearly see all the new uploads to your friends' stories. In the midst of watching one of Lee Jeno's dance covers, you get a text.

Thinking nothing of it, you swipe up on the notification, opting to read it later, after you're done watching, gushing, and bombarding Jeno with words of admiration.

Finally, you tap on the notification, and grow confused at the text.

Mina

Y/n where are you 😭

you're gonna get late to the discussion!!

Did you forget bc its a thursday T^T

Mina knew you too well.

"Shit!" Instantly, your sheets fly away, thrown across the room, as you scramble up to get to the bathroom.

It's when you're finished with washing your face, when you hurriedly pick up your phone. Your wet flingers slip across the screen, your phone unable to detect any of the movement, before you desperately wipe both your screen, and fingers on the sleeve of the sweatshirt you quickly threw on earlier.

Instantly, a number is being dialed, and instantly, the person picks up.

"Hey honey!" The tender voice of your boyfriend gives you a sense of reassurance and comfort in a mini panic session.

"Good morning, Mark," you breath out. You remember him mentioning something about enjoying it when you greet him a good morning. "look, uh, I have a group discussion at the library today, you think you can drop me off?"

"Sure, what time should I pick you up?" In a moment, you hear shifting from the other line, before light footsteps. A light jingle, supposedly from his car keys, makes you feel a little exasperated.

"About that,"

You hear Mark halt, before a confused noise slips from his lips.

"It's in—well, was—a minute ago. Think this calls for desperate measures.

"Fuck," Mark curses quietly, before tossing his keys back onto his desk. "The things I do for you, I swear. Better pay me back later!"

"Yeah, yeah," you dismiss. "thank you Mark, love you!"

Not even 5 minutes later, when you barely just finished getting ready, there' a soft knock at your window, and you whip around to find the familiar red and blue suit you love to see.

Your heart beats faster in your chest when Mark slips in your room, throwing his mask off. "You ready? Here, give me your bag."

He scurries around your room, grabbing your backpack, your phone, and chargers. He knows you tend to lose the latter.

Mark secures his mask around his face, climbing onto the window sill, before reaching his arms out to you. "Alright, let's go,"

Once you're secure in his arms, a flick of Mark's wrist and you're off, maneuvering his way to the alleyways, where you two would usually take, as nobody would be lurking there. Unless they were drunk.

You hang on to your dear life, shutting your eyes tight to try to suppress the feeling of thrill and butterflies you get whenever you're soaring in the skies.

You peek an eye open, which is instantly settled on Mark, as he expertly swings through the path. You find it very endearing how he would go to extreme measures go have you less late too some group discussion you could be a little late to.

Now that you realize it, this whole thing is probably bad. Mark risking his identity just for you to make it on time?

On the other hand, you feel so incredibly grateful that you're able to know this secret about Mark, heck, even knowing Mark sounds like a blessing.

The alleyway just 3 blocks from the library is where you land, where you jump from his arms, straightening out your outfit, before accepting all your belongings that Mark had held onto and kept safe.

"Quickly, quickly!" He mumbles, patting you.

Before he can fully push you away, you rush up to him, pulling his mask upwards just a little bit, before connecting your lips together sweetly.

The kiss lasts only for a few seconds, before Mark chuckles against your lips and pushes you away gently. One of his hands reaches up, cupping the side of your face, before he pats your cheek once, twice.

"Good luck, baby. Call me when you're finished, yeah?"

You nod instantly, wrapping your fingers around his clothed wrist, rubbing your fingers against his skin reassuringly, before you let go and start making your way to the library.

"Thank you again, spiderman! I'll get us some food to make up!"

Oh, the things Mark Lee would do for you.

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fictionfixations · 1 month

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azul broomquet lines

(i never took the time to actually look through this stuff. but also his lines aren't on the fandom wiki yet)

maybe im being nitpicky but i couldnt help but notice the double space??

oop

(about idia) LMFAO

i dont know how to format stuff on the wiki anyway so. might as well put this here.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Azul Broomquet / Birthday Bloom

Summon: What a grand party this is. I gladly accept your sentiments. ("This gold embroidery is just lovely. I'll take care to conduct myself as befits such refined attire.")

Groovification: I prepared exhaustively for today. Allow me to demonstrate the fruits of my effort!

Set to Home Screen: I shall make your wishes come true.

Home transition 1: Jade brewed this tea for me. He had an oddly bright smile on his face when he served it, though... Would you care to try some?

Home transition 2: Octavinelle students keep bringing me food they want me to try. How can they expect me to eat it all?

(^ note: it's mentioned in Floyd's Birthday Boy vignette that Azul doesn't like food being wasted.)

Home transition 3: Why would you put candles in cake? It looks lovely all lit up in the dark, but it ruins the presentation when it comes time to eat.

Home, after login: I'm honored you'd take valuable time out of your day to celebrate on my behalf. After all, time is money, as they say.

Home transition/Groovification: I don't think Jack's cut out for negotiations. His tail gives him away.

(^ note: Duo magic is with Jack. Plus that's who interviews him in his vignette. I wonder if that's the same for every other birthday card, with the exception of the ones I think we interview all of them in.)

Tap Home 1: It's my policy not to accept gifts, but I do make exceptions for people I want to maintain long-term contact with. Like, say Kalim.

Tap Home 2: Brooms look so much nicer when accentuated with chic flowers. It's a prime example of a tiny amount of work turning drab into dazzling.

Tap Home 3: Idia beat me soundly in a board game. How dare he humiliate me on my birthday... I must compile more data and avenge myself!

Tap Home 4: I bought a rare coin I'd had my eye on as a gift to myself. It was rather pricey, but I'm looking forward to seeing its value appreciate in the future.

(^ note: It literally says 'appreciate'. Lol.)

Tap Home 5: Don't bother trying to surprise me. I've got eyes in the back of my head. Heh heh, that was a joke, of course.

Tap Home/Groovification: You wish to know what I want? A birthday song would be nice. You'll sing one for me, right?

Here's the groovified ver, although you can find it on the fandom wiki card itself)

---

Bonus (Vignette)

Jack: Have a nice flight, and be extra careful not to fall off.

Azul: Couldn't say that with a straight face, could you? As if I'd ever embarrass myself... ... *exhale*

hehe

#twst #twst wonderland #twisted wonderland #azul ashengrotto #twst birthday #azul birthday

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notsoattractivearenti · 11 months

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ahh i saw the imagines game and couldnt help myself😭

Can you do an imagines/headcannon where instead of us being the WAG, Christian is the WAG? Like we’re playing for the USWNT and hes just in the stands supporting us, i feel like that would be so cute haha

ps. Love your work, keep us delulu😛

ahhh thank you so much!! 🥹🫶🏻 always a pleasure to feed everyone’s (including my own) delusions 😋 and thanks for sending this in! 💖

—

Christian as your WAG would be like:

rarely misses your matches! will be at the stadium watching with your family as well

when you spot him in the stands, he would excitedly wave and yelled “the best player right there!”

proudly wears your jersey!

encouragement texts and notes everyday 🥹 like “i’m really proud of you” “break a leg my super girl!” “bring that trophy home!” “score some goals today then score me later 👀” you didn’t see that last one lol

taking pics/videos of you on pre-match warmups, during the match and post-match

proudly posting you on his instagram stories and/or feed to show his endless and genuine support for you to the world

your forever number one supporter, whether you win or lose (or draw)

he would lose all that shyness in him and loudly cheering for you!

posting pics of you and/or with you and your trophies and medals with caption like “my champion ! 🏆🫶🏻” “never doubted you for a second 🥳❤️”

he would celebrate every win! no matter how big or small it may be!

he takes you for a romantic holiday as your winning prize… “because my winner deserves the whole world” 😍

#christian pulisic #christian pulisic imagines #christian pulisic headcanon

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shadeslayer · 7 months

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Would you be willing to talk about the inspiration for you sinti, shunti, kanunuk, & nunni designs? They're really cool!

absolutely !!! :D i usually have pretty explicit stuff that im referencing or am inspired by so im always happy to share <3

*ramble incoming*

[the dr pepper cans are how you know im a real southern usa babe. earlier today there was 5 empty cans in a row until i put them in the recycle bin]

i take a Lot out of the book "sun circles and human hands: the southeastern indians - art and industry" (2001 edition, not the 1957 one) which i have a physical copy of and i have sticky notes tabbing out out and also annotated highlighting every mention of the chickasaw and of sites where i know the chickasaw [or our ancestors, like the chicaza and other early mississippian/SE ntv cultures] so i can reference stuff i know would be from us, but i also take inspiration from all the designs in it because we were all a part of an interconnected cultural network of art

if you are from a tribe that would be from mississippian culture or the southeastern ceremonial complex/southeastern cult as it used to be called, or you know your people wouldve come from places within that like spiro or moundville, and you want to bring more native styling into your art this is THEEE book i would recommend. it is insanely useful. i cant vouch 100% for the text of it, and the second half is mostly kinda grainy b&w scanned photos of pottery and other items lmao, but the first half has lineart depictions OF designs found, with the attribution for the site they were found at. it is a Massive wealth of symbols and style and has been the best thing for wanting to study and emulate SE ndn art. for real i lent a copy to my grandma and then couldnt find where it was and i had to just order a new copy bc i use it so damn much

like i would post pages of it, and before i bought it i survived off the pinterest pics of scanned pages, but i cannot say enough just buy the book and look through it bc its just perfect its so useful. just posting a few pages doesnt do any justice to the wealth of style and art in it. ive tried to make myself some mock style/symbol guides from it, but even those fail to capture the variety of stuff in there and its why i still have it on hand for reference bc every time i get stumped theres so many ideas in there

but ok . book rec rant over (partly.)

i had done sinti homma, the red snake earlier, and i wanted to do a little motley of other simple transparent animals to go with it. so i did! ive got a few different animals that i played with doing, but a lot of them ended up veering too much off of the more hardline ntv style i wanted to do, and the others didnt fit the guideline i had made - i wanted them all to have a pointed tail that pointed to some corner of the frame, and curl around in the square a bit to have more of a sense of motion. i was thinking deer, turtle, spider... but none of those really fit that. so i flipped thru SC&HH for some ideas and came up with some :3

the bottom left one on the first pic there gave me a good idea of what to do with a rat tail, and on the bottom right of that same pic is the Fattest fucking fish and i lifted a lot of that design to use for my fish (and while we're here, the rattler tails on the top right of that pic were what i used for sinti hommas tail), and the bottom left on the second pic gave me the idea for the lizards legs/feet shape, and then i used the chickasaw vocab flashcards of animals to think of animal ideas and so i used the pinti from there to jump me off into doing a rat

theyre all named after the chickasaw words - sinti (snake), shunti (rat/rodent), kanunuk (lizard, specifically green striped lizard, which is why i made it green with stripes lol), nunni (fish) . i use the chickasaw dictionary webpage a lot these days though i should use my dictionary copies more bc they use the spelling style i dont prefer lol

i also want to do maybe a sort of pop art style big print of them, like repeated with different colors behind them? and/or them in a medicine wheel? but those are still wip so we shall see!

#anompolili #TY FOR ASKING ........... i feel so like. patronized. but i never get to talk abt this except into the void so i will seize the chance T_T #hatuk upi homma

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vanillatalc · 2 days

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today

it was good bc it was WARM! and i went on a lil wander in the evening atl ike 8pm and it was still LIGHT oh my god! genuinely i feel the life returning to meeee i love it so much

cleaned my 3d printer resin tank, sans PPE bc it was all dry and cured so i just did it in the garden and it was chill and very satisfying. (actually it's still out there lol need to remember to bring it in before i sleep)

ordered new FEP sheets for resin printer. should arrive tmr, if it does, ill do some printing tehn if i can figure out how to replace the sheet. there are instructions but im always wary of doing things myself instead of making ben do it for me, which is actually quite a toxic and dangerous mindset i fear lol idk where it comes from bc im perfectly capable at anything ive ever attempted so i am trying to not lean on him too much for this. unless it's literally like for brute strength bc my arms are weak as fuck

sold two wigs (£140)

saw a cat outside

ben / ana / clare went on a walk this eve but i didnt go partly bc i dont really like walks in the country (i like walks with a goal not just seeing the green stuff) but also bc im still not very confident of my hip's ability to walk further than about 30 mins - will be testing this next week i think

did half my chess job (couldnt quite face the emails portion of it lol yesterday i logged in and there were almost 400 and i felt the urge to like, throw my computer out of the window)

replied to some wig DMs

omg i forgot to say this... but clare got a doll of her own... it's a little man... it's good having clare living 5 mins away... it's funny what happened there like we were casual friends in uni then didnt speak for 6y then ben/me (cant rmb who) sent her a message asking to reconnect and now shes one of our best friends and lives here lol

have another meal out at the weekend w/ ben's family... it never ends

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girlwithfish · 4 months

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tmrw im gonna go to a record store by myself. i wanted to go today but he forgot i guess and i didnt really wanna bring it up a third time. trying to be understanding bc ik his financial situation is a big stressor for him and today he couldnt get his meds bc his insurance wasnt accepted at pharmacy and then he had to pay out of pocket so he hadnt taken his vyvanse and all this stuff but im thinking he isnt ready for a serious relationship or to give me the attention and care thwt i want. idk. and im not trying to act like i do the most for him bc i get worried wjen i think abt how i want him to show more effort or care bc im like well do I do that? but idk most activities we do are his interests orclike when we run errands its for him bc im at his place and wr use my car and all this stuff idk if im overthinking it or we get plants that he wants for his place and i feel im just there w him but theres not a lot we do that is For me and idk i also feel maybe i shldnt spend as much time at his place bc i feel hes too comfortable w me bc he knows he has me and so like idk we dont plan dates really i mean maybe i lied when i said we havent rly gone ojt on a date bc we did go tocthe library to read once ig thats a date or we went to that open mic but idk i feel theres not a lot of effort or care shown and like we do outdoorsy hobbies that he likes like pickle ball nd we did that today nd he forgot abt the record store ig bc i said ystrdy we shld go over txt and he said yes then we didnt go ystrdy and it was closed so he apologized and said well go tmrw and he brought it up before we went to play pickle ball and i said id like to go yes and said what time it closes and when we went out we did that then went to target so he cld get his meds and i guess he forgot and i really didnt wanna bring it up again. Idk maybe its not a big deal. i dont think i shld b in a relationship cuz i just accept the bare minimum and i cant stand up for myself lol. and we use my car allcthe time which i dont mind too much but his car is rly bad and im trying not to judge or anything but idk is that bad! and he drives my car too which idk its nice not having to drive but he said he likes driving bc he doesnt trust other peoples driving so its more a control thing so it doesnt rly feel like its like hes doing a nice thing for me. and idk. ;/ im just kind of sad bc he doesnt rly compliment me as much anymore either. he did say i looked cute in a picture he took of me ystrdu but idk he used to say a few compliments when were w each other. and i got sad bc he used to hold the door a month ago for me now he doesnt rly or i guess he did once today when we were going into his house and i got confused bc he usually doesnt do that anymore. its literally a month in this should be like puppy love stage or whatever like i shld b feeling wanted and happy and like theyre trying to date me IDK lol

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sexydreamgirl · 2 years

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hi!! im that anon that asked abt turning back time and worrying abt time whatever. i totally forgot i asked that lol! that persisting actually went horribly because i was giving fear power and i was just so scared i spiraled for like 3 days. but yesterday i said no FUCK that. im gonna reclaim my power. idk if this is a success story or an ask but im gonna put it here anyway.

i put up sticky notes on the side of my computer to remind myself to NEVER look back, and that morning i decided that i had perfect self concept and that i WOULD be aware of it before the end of the day. i was so scared! lol but i kept persisting. i didnt give fear power, i pushed it by and said NO WAY! NOTHING can get in the way of me and inevitably becoming aware of my perfect self concept.

as the day went on i had less anxiety and everything and around 4 i did some tarot reading, it was all very very great outlook, but it definitely predicted something. two cards basically said that my ambitions were running the risk of being undermined by my timidity and lack of self confidence, and the other card said that i will likely find myself with a problem but i will overcome it and triumph, i have the courage to do so. it scared me a little but i kinda brushed it off.

flash forward an hour, im washin dishes and im like damn i feel pretty fuckin good abt my self concept actually! i sat down and rhe feeling faded but i went back to my room and suddenly i looked at the clock and i laughed so hard that i started crying. july 24th?? fr? lmao?? like...thats just not true. i couldnt stop, i was so happy i just knew that the world was in my pocket. i just knew that theres no way its july 24th, its insane to even think about anything but my desires being the truth. i genuinely truly felt inevitable peace in my desires, i didnt even desire them in the 3d anymore. that morning i felt like id never get out of that cycle of lack and anxiety so bad i wanted to throw up and couldn't sleep but there i was. it truly was the best feeling i could ever ask for.

but it faded. and i know it was an accidental reversal. i had a twinge of fear that i could jinx it, reverse it. before then i dont think i ever thought of the concept of knowing a manifestation couldnt be reversed, especially not as a part of a good sc, it just never crossed my mind because it seemed obvious. it was a fear i couldnt push back and ignore. i didnt realize then that dwelling on the old story and doubting and all that has no power, it doesnt matter if you do that. i couldnt tell if it was birds before land or a reversal at first but i decided it was a reversal, it makes more sense and it feels more uplifting that i truly did do it. i doubted so much and i was so scared but in the end i really did become aware of it. even though it faded i stuck true to the reading, i wouldnt let it bring me down, this is just proof of how powerful i am. i didnt fail, its just a speck of dirt in the palm of god. im still scared ofc haha, but today ill be doing the same thing but ensuring it'll be forever. that i'll never reverse it, that's impossible.

i'm scared but i'm going to do my best to not let a thing stop me. i did it! everything will only get easier from here. if you have any input though id love to hear it

"i didn't fail, it's just a speck of dirt in the palm of God"

This right here. You may have doubts, you may feel fear but you still choose to have courage and continue regardless of what you're feeling. This is persisting.

#I'm so proud of you!

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ayinglair · 7 months

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Reading the fanfics is hard at times. Its better to just close the tab occasionally. I can only relive that war so many times you know? I already have to do it in my head. I won't do it for fun. That's not leisure. Hmm. What hurts most is Hanguang-jun. I wonder if he reads them? teehee. My mind instantly comes up with questions to ask to needle him without my having to try at all. It's like a built in reflex. there is a slight smile on my face as i type this. I won't type my questions here. I'll save them for later. But anyways. War. Tragedy. Etc. Today I couldnt even bring myself to say the name Jiang Yanli. How would i be able to speak her name to another person? God do i not deserve that. How cruel of me to speak it. I ran my mouth too to someone i know who kins from the show. I shouldnt have done that. God. And my only real confidante is Xue Yang of all people!!!!! Not even the one i knew, evidently. There's another set of Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji in my social circle. Xue Yang belongs to them! I feel a bit left out, you know???? But if it was the xue yang i knew that'd be worse. This is one of my most important people im talking about here. Being able to say "he didnt do the things i saw" is a saving grace on our relationship. LOL. But still. It'd be nice to have my very own canonmate to annoy. Without feeling like im taking up too much space, or being a nuisance. My mouth is already shut tight. Jiang Yanli. Jin Zixuan. Wen Qing. Wen Ning. Granny. The aunties and uncles. Yu-whatever-the-chinese-is-for-madam. Jiang Fengmian. Who am i forgetting? I caused so much hardship. I have to be forgetting names. There are so many names. the only ones i wont remember are the ones of the people who did that to Jiang Cheng and his parents. They do not deserve my remembrance. I dont regret what I did to them I just regret what it caused for Lan Zhan. HAHA!!! God I am crazy. Dont even give a shit about being good for the sake of it. It has to be to prevent someone else from being sad because I cant take him being sad. Remember when i saw him cry? Good lord. Oh my god i so should not be posting this. But i doubt ill be found out. My own little secret. A calculated risk. Whats the worst thatll happen?

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blackvail22 · 8 months

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9/24/23 — 1:10am

theres a lot that happened within the past two days its insane. on the 22nd, i had to train this new associate for the whole day. he's rlly nice, and he's fun to talk to. he caught on really quick! im excited to work with him

also, that same day, i got back with my ex!!! it could be a dumb decision (because this is the 3rd time) but i really want things to work out. again, no one is going to know besides you... and... my coworkers, but thats different

the coworker that gave me his number, he gave me a note at work that says "im awkward so i dont know how to say this out loud, but i like you" and then taped a soda tab on it (it was the "hug" meaning one, which... i dont like but could be worse). so! ive told the new associate i have a boyfriend. im going to tell them i have a boyfriend, but im telling those im closest to at work that its because i dont want my worker to hit on me anymore

if he keeps going after that, i have to report him. im not letting someone get away with that, not this time.

i have to start standing up for myself... im just scared because of that teenager who got killed because she rejected her (adult) co-worker, im afraid its going to be me. this is the reason i dont like hearing abt death.

on another note, back to abt my boyfriend....

im writing this as soon as i ended the call with him. i miss him already. i wonder how and why my brain changes how i react to things because of a label. i feel so clingy. i want to talk to him more. he does make me happy, and i hope i make him happy too

oh, i also bought this candle... its supposed to "smell like london" and it says the scent is "afternoon biscuits and tea" so thats nice. i bought it to think of you, nd its nice that the color of the candle matches my room

oh last thing ! i took my permit drivers test and i passed it! feels so surreal because i never thought i was ever gonna end up driving but here we are lol

anyways i like this song

6:06am —

dude i couldnt fall asleep until like 4:30am and my mom woke me up at 5:30, screaming at me to find something i didnt have!!! i found it! and it was in her bag, a place she didnt look (because she only looked one place!!!!!!) at least i can sleep now, but idek if i can do that because i feel awake now. im going to sob. FUVKKK I HAVE A HEADACHE AND SINUS PAIN NOW IM GOING TO CRY DUDE. and the fact that she walked up the stairs to scream at me (she never walks up the stairs)???? ooo. im so mad bro! like im going to wake up whenever i have my alarms set and im going to punch a wall because i cant sleep without getting interrupted. IM PISSED TF OFF NOW bevause i havent had adequate sleep since my last off day (a week ago) and i dont have a lot of sleep for tomorrow because i have to wake up at 6am for an appointment thats 2hrs away. sure, ill sleep in the car, but with my mom? she wont let it happen. and i dont have another off day untl thursday, and i cant sleep in for that one either becahse i have another goddamn appointment in the morning. like, is this what being an adult is? being harrassed by coworkers, never having enough sleep, never able to fall asleep.... it cant be cause those all haopened when i was a teenager too. stuck in that cycle, though, and i cant wait for that cycle to finally end.

bad things always tend to happen to me. is it because i bring bad energy? AHHHHHHH i just need to scream cry

i am going to try to sleep now. I've rambled on for way too long

11:17pm

been incredibly sad today. i think it was my lack of sleep, or maybe it was my mom yelling at me and waking me up. still, my heart feels so ... heavy. i cant help but feel bad for people who love me. if i was them, i would choose anyone else to love endlessly. im undeserving of it all, anyway. i dont feel happy tonight. i hope tomorrow's better. i dont know what changed and made me feel this way because when i woke up and went to work, everything was fine until half way through my shift. it didnt really effect me, but them saying "oh, fun's over.. [my name]'s in a bad mood again.. everyone get away" keeps playing in my mind. it didnt affect me then, so i dont know why i keep thinking about it

i just want to fit on my roof and look at the moon, but its been rising really early so i dont think ill be able to see it now. ill watch some livestreams from space of the earth/the moon instead. something to comfort me while listening to music. i havent been able to watch any videos all the way through recently.. havent even been able to watch those gaming streams i like. hopefully ill feel better before i go to sleep

#Spotify

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myrcenegirl · 9 months

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i treated myself to a salad tonight... but at what cost :(

well office life continues to be fun. things have gotten in a weird spot with how busy it is but its been decent so im trying to hang in there! i did my shadowing today and i was a little nervous but tbh like.... im way better than a shit ton of people lmao so yeah i said i was more nervous than i really was lol and ofc afterwards the class said i was helpful and the trainers said i was just amazing and one of the trainers was someone who trained me so she was really like happy to see how much ive learned so even though it was a little nerve wracking the important thing is to remember to show (while being humble ofc) as many people as possible how capable i am so that way when the time comes for me to move to a different department everyone will be happy to have me join their team (besides the jealous ass haters) securing my opportunity to get out of this fucking customer service hell! and i got confused about the weeks and thought i was seeing my mom tonight but its next week lol i was excited. but easy day tomorrow im pretty sure so thats nice. but omg my first call while shadowing was a complete one off situation i had never encountered before BUT wouldnt you know it i just naturally did the exact right thing and then another call i lied a patient saying i was going to DM a doctor when i always just say that and then tell the person they left for the day lol but i was being watched so i couldnt BUT after sweating my ass off trying to figure out how i realized i have two monitors and i can switch the slack over to the one that isnt being shared and say i did the thing off screen BUT omg it was painful i was like shit shit shit how do i get out of this i have trainers watching me too!! and then i finally realized and got out of it perfectly fine hehe :3 but im really missing drugs and spending money and drugs i want drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and messy girl hasnt been so bad but omg the micromanaging has come into full swing like god damn what is it about joining a company and then right after THATS when they decide to start doubling down on EVERY SINGLE metric and form of monitoring to make sure you are working every god damn second of the day with zero allowance given to the lowest rung of employees :) so thats fun honestly if i wasnt one fucking week away from insurance and i didnt still have hope that i was going to get out of customer service i would be looking for another job now like that shit is not for me and WE get to feel the consequences of a company that hasn't properly managed their man power its great. and the girls are NOT having it and its even worse on their end because they dont even have all the facts like my manager has said multiple times that they have started a new requirement for managers to walk to us and check on us if we are taking too long after a call and they dont remember hearing that and so this whole time theyve been thinking that the managers are just breathing down their necks more than usual for a power trip and so theyre even more mad than me lol well theyre not because no one can be angrier than me but they have more volatile anger because theres ignorance involved lol and they are getting idk theyre starting to turn on the manager a bit because his ass is suuuuch a little by the books boy and so hes on top of all his new manager duties which make our lives hell so its hurting the manager relations. and im trying to help them understand that THEY have been told to do this now because I dont want them up and quitting well idc about messy girl but damn like pregnant girl straight up had attitude with our boss because he was checking on her and its just yeah shes being micromanaged as if she isn't here every day working doing good work so lets bring micromanaging into that situation. like im really trying hard to be polite when the managers have come up to me to check when im taking too long because to suggest that IM NOT WORKING? that deserves violence honestly so im really trying to be chill as possible although hey if i start snapping then maybe they will see that this shit is ridiculous

#fuck the 4096 character limit stupid cunt!

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wondermentishere · 2 years

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when i was leaving work today i started thinking about how insecure my sexuality is. i mean, its taken me about a year to become confident in saying im a lesbian. but what im really speaking about now is sex and being sexual. when i was a kid i pretty much let other kids do what they wanted to me, which wasnt good. when i reflect on my lack of boundaries pertaining to my body, i assume being beat as a child really broke down those barriers. i felt like my body wasnt mine sometimes. i had no authority. i was always overly aware of my appearance since i could remember. this mixed with my desperate wish to please and be loved was a recipe for disaster. when puberty started to happen, i really began to disassociate and detach from myself. i became super critical of myself and stopped eating. dysmorphia consumed my mind. i was binding my chest for the first time.

the end of 2021 was the first time in my life i truly acknowledged my body since i was 11 or 12. up until this point, i wouldnt look in the mirror unless it was to harshly judge myself. id put on a sports bra that was too small (kinda on purpose) and go on about my day. i had been watching porn since 9th grade and have been pretty comfortable with masturbating. i would try to dance sexy sometimes in the mirror like junior year of highschool, but other than that i never outwardly expressed myself sexually until college. freshman year at spelman i came up with choreo for my stroll team but was told repeatedly i wasnt sexy enough to perform it. i ended up being so uncomfortable and insecure about it. i honestly felt too masculine to be surrounded by femmes performing the same moves. i remember one of my coaches saying, “i know you try to bring the tomboy energy but…” but? the target audience was men and i was a closeted lesbian still unraveling herself.

freshman year i was in love with a girl who had crazy internalized homophobia. i was excited to share myself with her but she often laughed at me. she would tell me how unsexy i was. she couldnt believe how serious i looked when i kissed her. she expressed disgust after our moments of passion. she would say we were embarrassing and would imagine others feeling the same about us. it would really hurt my feelings because i never felt that way. i was really innocent. she was my first kiss. she had sex with guys so easily, i started to feel like i needed to please her in that way to be equal in her eyes. she never wanted to go all the way with me. she never said why either, just that she couldnt. she would go on to have sex with almost everyone but me. i never understood that.

second relationship we had sex often even when i didnt want to. i felt like i had to or she would cheat on me. i didnt realize i had been coerced into sex that whole relationship until recently after speaking to my therapist about it. we only spoke about it once, i still dont really know how to process it. when we had sex i just wanted to please her. i was never satisfied but i loved how free she was with me. she was the opposite of what i was use to in that regard. i felt awkward naked and rarely got fully undressed. i didnt like to be touched even though i craved it. i felt out of place, i couldnt let loose like she could. i was always thinking and faking. she would cum alot and i never did. okay, i did once but it was 100% an accident. (lol) she wasnt good at sex or kissing. she had terrible body odor. i never really enjoyed it. it was just something i did. the last time we had sex she told me it was “the least she could do”. she threw it in my face like she did me favor WHEN I HAD BEEN FUCKING HER FOR 2 YEARS JUST TO AVOID BEING ABANDONED AND BETRAYED BY HER. im really fucking upset about that. we just lived two very different realities in that “relationship”.

(to be continued because i need to go to bed)

#diary #trans journey

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