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whump-town · 4 years

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Shattered Hearts, Fractured Lungs

(Chapter Two; Warnings for: school shooting, violence, language, and heart failure; you can find the first chapter here)

Emily Prentiss just wants to do her job but a messy case sends her sprawling into the arms of a dying man with a toddler and his weird, broken family.

“It’s been very rare to have known you, very strange and wonderful” --F. Scott Fitzgerald

She comes back the very next day.

It’s about noon and she’d seen the blonde one-- the happy one, uhm… Penelope! Emily had watched Penelope pull up in the driveway at about eleven thirty. So, she knows someone’s home over there but when she steps out on her porch she’s not expecting him to be sitting in that rickety old rocking chair.

Idiot-- because she’d seen, from her kitchen window, Penelope helping him outside. The woman was talking his poor ear off.

The icing on the cake, of course, is that she was creating a dialogue for what to say when she got over there.

Out loud.

So, he definitely heard her talking to herself like a crazy person.

“Hey,” she says lamely, stopping in her tracks. Now she’s in a really bad spot. He looks like he didn’t sleep last night and definitely not in a talking mood with the oxygen mask over his face.

Of course, she can’t really know that he didn’t sleep last night. Spent the whole night breathlessly fighting with Dave over his own health and how he was feeling. Of course, like shit is the truth but he’s fighting the clock and he doesn’t want to go to the hospital over a little labored breathing. Now he’s paying the price. He couldn’t even stand on his own this morning. He’d laid in bed until Garcia got here and been forced to ask her to help.

Life is slowly becoming unbearable.

“I need...” she blows out an unsteady breath. She has to clench her hands to stop them from trembling. “Do you have any bananas?”

Idiot.

Stupid fucking idiot.

But he nods. It takes him a moment but he reaches up and pulls the mask off his face, pinning it against his chest. “Just go…” he curses himself, mentally for his inability to do something as simple as breathing. Why should heart failure come with not only a permanent ache in his chest but also the double hit to the lungs? Anatomy is so stupid.

“Ask Pen,” he rasps, gesturing with a head tilt that he means for her to go inside. “She’ll get you one.” He knows there’s bananas in there because Garcia always brings him some from the store. He used to eat one every morning with his coffee. Now he can’t even stomach the thought.

Insult to injury is the awkward silence that passes between them as Emily steps into his house.

She comes out a moment later, Penelope trailing her. She shows him the bananas from last week. They’re pretty brown but she’s smiling. “Actually,” Emily says, stepping out and smiling between Garcia and Hotch, “the recipes Derek’s mom’s. She, uh, sent it my way to keep me from getting bored.”

Garcia nods and Hotch rolls his eyes fondly. He’d spent the last half an hour listening to Garcia go on and on about Emily’s sexy little partner Derek Morgan. And, as insufferable as it had been, he had seen the signals the two of them were sharing. The good thing is that he was visibly not the only person unsettled by Garcia and Morgan’s flirting.

Reid really hated it.

“She’s making banana bread,” Garcia tells Hotch, bumping her hip against him.

Emily blushes, “yeah but…” She twists her shoe uncomfortably in the dirt. “I’m not that great of a baker.”

Garcia shakes her head, “don’t be so hard on yourself! I’m sure it’ll be great.” She grins, “besides if you need any help Hotch and I are more than willing to be unbiased judges or helpers.”

Emily could laugh at the face Hotch makes. He most certainly does not want that. She shakes her head, “I’m gonna go throw these in. If they’re good, I’ll send you a piece?”

Garcia nods and they watch in silence as Emily goes back to the house.

The banana bread must not turn out so great because she never brings a piece over but the next day she knocks on his door with a plate of pancakes.

He’s in a sweatshirt-- Georgetown’s logo slapped on the front and worn with age-- and a pair of grey sweats that make her cheeks flush a little. Nice, idiot, she thinks as she explains she used the leftover bananas to make pancakes and wondered if he’d like some. Mercifully, he either ignores or doesn’t see her making intense eye contact with the floor so she doesn’t look anywhere near his hips.

After that, they form a strange pattern of her showing up with various baked goods or other types of gifts and such.

Otherwise, they’d both sit in their homes all alone with nothing but the silence. Or, rather, he’d have the silence because she is very loud. He likes to sit on the porch and listen to her blasting music through her house. Occasionally, he knows a song but mostly he just likes the way the rest of the neighborhood scowls at their houses.

It’s about nine in the morning when Hotch hears the knocking at his door. For a solid moment, he considers not even answering the door. There’s about a ninety percent chance whoever it is he doesn’t want to talk to. The number of people who have sent cards, and food, and made weird phone calls is numerous. So, if they don’t have the key to his front door or the familiarity to just come busting in-- it’s not worth his time.

Besides, he’s feeling grumpy and he’d like to just wallow for a moment… in peace, alone.

But then the door does bust open.

He’s trying to read the paperwork either the hospital or the school sent-- obviously, he hasn’t gotten very far into it if he can’t even tell what the papers are for. All that he knows is there are vibrantly colored sticky notes where his signature should be. But he isn’t just going to go singing his name willy-nilly. He’s not that far gone.

He looks up and Emily Prentiss is blindly-- her hands are over her eyes for some reason-- trampling through his living room.

“Can I help you?”

At the sound of his voice, her head jerks up. Two paired fingers separate and she looks just like one of his students as she lowers her hands and grins at him. It’s an awkward little grin but it’s not bad. “Uh,” she motions behind her to the door. “Sorry about that… Dave, he, uh, he told me that you’d be home all day and you are home all day and if I needed anything to just--” she grimaces as if she’s just considered how strange this is. “You didn’t answer and Dave said you always answer and you do and I didn’t want something to be wrong…”

She stops talking.

Mercifully.

Hotch grunts, “I do, normally.”

Somehow, the only good thing to come out of the last month is that Hotch gets to spend his days at home. Besides the drastic rise in homeschoolers in their town, the school had been gracious enough to handle his disability checks. Of course, everyone had smiled and thanked him for what he’d done to save his kids but Hotch is still very aware of the lawsuits and trouble David Rossi would cause if everything hadn’t gone smoothly.

Being the semi-famous author of a very successful line of children’s books earns Dave that power. Although, Hotch has seen him use it for good and for… well, mostly sex.

The downside is he gets pretty lonely at the house.

Jack goes to his aunts. Haley’s sister Jessica has been a huge help over the last few weeks. Reeling from the loss of her sister, she’d been more than happy to keep her only family close. Even if it’s just her ex-brother-in-law and nephew. Not that Aaron and Jessica’s relationship was severed just because of Haley and Aaron’s divorce.

It had been painful but not ugly. It had never been about the devotion they felt for one another or even the love.

Life just gets complicated.

A few teachers had still managed to get some more leave time and with Hotch’s heart actively failing, Reid, Garcia, and Rossi are on the receiving end of lots of understanding when it comes to asking for time off. They have a schedule set into place now: Garcia brings him lunch, Reid picks up Jack, and Dave brings stuff to make dinner for all of them.

It’s simple but affected. Daily and boring.

“Now this is going to make me sound like a dumbass--”

He’s known Emily Prentiss for all of week. He excludes the school thing from memory and the timeline. It’s better for his mental health-- which isn’t doing much better than his physical health if he’s being honest. The problem is, the woman is kind of crazy. It’s in an endearing kind of way but still.

Now he’s sitting in her living room. She’d come barging into his house just thirty minutes before, a hand over her eyes. He’d had to listen to her awful explanation for that while slowly and painfully making his way across the whole five feet separating their houses. The hand over her eyes had been in case he was naked because she may invade his personal space but she really doesn’t want to see his junk.

He’s not entirely sure where this comfort of hers is coming from. All he does know is that Dave has swindled his way into every aspect of Hotch’s life and now Hotch has his neighbor’s phone number. It’s for “emergencies”, of course. In case Hotch, God forbid, needs help and his only contact is his batshit neighbor.

“I mean it, Aaron,” she’s standing right in front of him with two spices in her hands. “It’s really going to make me sound like a dumbass here but what exactly is the difference between Cinnamon and Nutmeg?”

God, she’s crazy but she’s funny and hasn’t passed any judgement on his inability to get dressed. Just like now while she’s standing in a simple, well-loved tanktop and work jeans and he sits in his flannel pajama bottoms and a Hanes t-shirt that’s seen better days five years ago.

But they kind of passed lots of mile markers for judgment a long time ago. As in, last week.

He’d watched in silence as she emptied the contents of her stomach over the railing of his porch and she’d put pressure on the bullet wound that tore through his side. It’s why it was so easy for her to, after that night on the porch, to bring over a plate of pancakes and offer to grab him stuff from the store. Of course, he’d told her he was good and he, mostly, was.

Which is in direct consequence for why he’s here now.

“Nutmeg tastes like Christmas,” he explains because he has no idea how he’s supposed to explain this to a grown woman. “What are you making?” He’s suddenly very worried for whatever dish she’s making. Especially if she put nutmeg where cinnamon is supposed to be. It’s freaking September and, if he’s being honest, he really hates Christmas. That might make him too biased to figure out if she’s really messed up though.

She grimaces at the containers in her hand. She pulls her lip into her mouth and mumbles, “apple pie.”

His grimace is too much and if she weren’t so bummed with the aspect that her apple pie is most definitely ruined she might laugh. His accent is thick enough for her to comfortably assume he’s from the south not to mention he’s got a lot of that southern gentlemen charm.

“How much nutmeg did you use?”

Her face says it all.

He places both his fist on the sides of the chair and forces himself onto his feet. If Emily weren’t standing in silent horror that he might fall over or pass out or a hundred other things she might lend a hand. Then again, they haven’t established those boundaries and she can’t flawlessly just know like Dave does.

“Let me see the damage,” he grumbles but she can see that he’s not actually mad; he's just wary of what she’s done. He’s strange in that way. For a man who has made a career around working with children, he’s got a horrible resting face.

She lets him set the place, pointing him in the direction of the kitchen. It’s only a few feet but they make it two-steps before she decides she can’t do this silently watching thing. “Do you--” she offers him her forearm, the same way she’d seen Dave do the other afternoon.

He scowls at her arm but after a moment, he takes her hand. His skin is startlingly cold and his hand trembles until he settles his grip. It’s surprisingly easy and she doesn’t think much of it. At least he’s not dead weight to lug around. She’s had plenty of people hang onto her, she doesn’t even mind this.

“I think I might have used too much nutmeg,” she concludes before he can see the damage and rule her incompetant. It’s a warning.

He glances at her out of the corner of his eye… too late for the incompetant thing, she decides. He already thinks she’s a moron.

Rightfully so but still…

She’d known he was tall. It’s not that hard to see but as she’s standing beside him, his body pulled in and hunched over, he’s still towering over quite a bit. He’s a big man and he smells nice so he’s got a lot going for him. Too bad about the heart thing because he’s kinda cute.

“That’s all…” she moves him to the kitchen table and brings the pie to him. She really doesn’t want him falling in her kitchen. Dave likes her and she’d like to keep it that way. Besides, there would be so many awful and weird questions to answer if she had to take him to the hospital.

And now he’s sitting in horror at this pie in front of him.

“That’s all…” he repeats himself, shaking his head in disbelief. The pie is covered in a brown powder and he’s slowly processing that it’s all nutmeg.

She grimaces and nods.

He looks up at her, mouth open but disbelief making it impossible for him to say anything. He’s seen a lot of weird things. Preschoolers are… they’re a piece of work but this is testing every bit of training he has.

“It’s bad, isn’t it?”

He nods, “definitely.”

Huffing in a way that he recognizes from dealing with one too many headstrong four-year-olds, she places her fist on her hips. She scowls down at the pie. It’s cooked and it smells okay but if she’s been too generous with the nutmeg there’s no way that’s going to taste good. After a moment she hums and turns around, pulling out two forks she comes right back to the table.

“Well,” she says with a tilt of her head, “christmas apples can’t be that bad, right?”

He takes the fork being offered to him with no interest whatsoever in eating this pie but it's kind of funny and he’s having a good time. Together they break the baked dough and get a bite- sized piece. He’s fairly adamant but somehow it’s got nothing to do with his tricky stomach or the fact that he hasn’t been able to keep down much besides water and saltine crackers. It’s going to taste like shit and it’s exciting.

Emily chokes on her bite coughing and grimacing as she rushes to spit it out. To his credit, Hotch swallows his bite. “That was honestly the worst apple pie I’ve ever tasted,” he tells her, honestly.

She laughs and that feels so good. She hasn’t laughed in a long time.

He shrugs, “I’m not gonna lie to you.”

She tosses her fork on the table and shakes her head at the pie. So much for that.

“How exactly--” he bites down on the wave of pain that rocks through his body as he forces his legs underneath him. He stands, trembling and waving slightly with the effort it takes. “Why were you making apple pie so early in the day?”

Emily is still frowning at the pie so she doesn’t even look up at him. “Bored,” she mumbles. She’s upset about her pie. Damn… this whole nutmeg vs cinnamon thing is stupid. They look exactly the same so they should taste the same, right?

“Maybe you should try something else,” Hotch says, one hand still keeping his balance on the table. “Baking just doesn’t…”

Emily frowns at him, “I like baking, though!”

Hotch looks away, tilting his head and raising an eyebrow. “Baking doesn’t like you,” he mumbles.

She smacks his shoulder and he chuckles-- this isn’t the first failed attempt of her’s he’s tried. There was the cookies from Monday (that were burnt on the bottom and raw on top) and the banana bread he’d only seen but-- they could have killed a lesser man let alone him and his broken heart.

“Maybe I can try cooking,” she proposes.

He shakes his head, “are you gonna make me eat that too?”

She clicks her tongue, faking offense. “What, are you afraid?”

He smiles and it takes her breath away. He’s got high, sharp cheekbones and when he’s not carrying so much tension in his shoulders it’s so much easier to appreciate just how soft his dark hair looks. Her neighbor is hot. She’s not sure if he knows that though.

“A little,” he admits playfully, “but maybe you’ll be better at cooking than you are baking.”

She crosses her arms and scowls down at her pie. “I don’t think it’s going to take a lot to be better at cooking than baking.”

He makes a soft sound, “you said it, not me.”

She shakes her head at him but there he is smiling again. She can’t even be mad. “Maybe I’ll make dinner,” she proposes, tucking her hands under her armpits as she thinks. “Are you interested?”

Honestly, no but he doesn’t want to pass up on hanging out with her. So he nods.

“Six o’clock should be enough time to cook something, right?”

Jesus, she’s going to kill him.

“Why don’t I come over and help?”

Oh, she hadn’t thought of that. She nods, “okay. You wanna come over at three, then?”

It’s dangerous, without a shred of doubt there, but his heart does this little flutter. “Uh,” he has to clear his throat. “Yeah, sounds like a plan.”

Except three rolls around he’s a no show. Three turns into three-thirty and she’s not trying to be a buzzkill but the recipe calls for caramelized onions and she has no idea what that means but she hopes it doesn’t mean what she thinks it does. Carmel on onions? Sounds disgusting.

“Knock, knock?” She’s already barged into his house once today so it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal but something doesn’t feel right. She can’t shake it and she certainly can’t just… leave. “Hotch?” God, she hopes he’s just in the bathroom.

He isn’t.

“You okay?” she falls to her knees beside him. She’d never been this far into his house. Mostly, she’d never passed the living room but now she’s kneeling in his hallway and can see his bedroom from here. As much as she’d like to evaluate that-- because the space is strangely neat and God, who knew the bare minimum of a clean room was such a perfect green flag--

Right--

He shakes his head.

Oh.

“Should…” she knows he hates the hospital, who doesn’t? But… he’s gasping for breath on the floor, his pale hand clutching at his chest. The sight is very overwhelming and hurting her deeply because it’s bringing feelings back that she thought were getting better. “Do I need to call--”

To the school and to the blood pooling between their bodies.

He nods. He’s terrified but just seeing Emily brings some strange comfort. Her and her awful cooking might just get him through this. He won’t die on this floor. Not on this ugly ass rug Dave made him put down.

The ambulance comes, bounding the sirens shrill sound up and down the block. Making a spectacle out of an awful experience.

He winces when the IV goes in and she just stands, bouncing from foot-to-foot awkwardly watching. It’s not until he’s on the gurney, fighting the drugs rushing through his system. “You can come,” he rasps but no one can hear him clearly from behind the masks. Reaching up to pull it away, several hands swat his hand away and he makes a grunted, annoyed sound at hte back fo his throat.

An EMT leans over and calms him back down before Hotch starts trying to fight his way back up into danger. “Easy, buddy.” The EMT pushes on Hotch’s shoulders and it's not a lot of force but Hotch isn’t strong enough to fight it. “The pretty lady can come, okay? Just settle down.”

She stays with him and tells herself it’s because she doesn’t want him hurting himself but she really doesn’t want to leave his side until she knows he’s going to be okay. There’s no hand holding because they’re still at the point where they smack shoulders and stand feet apart but they’ve only known one another for a week and-- Emily can’t fathom what she’s supposed to do if he dies in the back of this shitty ambulance.

“Can you--” the EMTs give him something that nearly knocks him out on the spot but his breathing gets better and he stops gasping and wheezing. He just lays supine on the gurney. Limp. “Dave?” He can’t keep his eyes open but he hears Emily make what he thinks are words of confirmation but his sentence didn't exactly make sense so maybe she didn't understand him.

He’s pulled under by the warmth spreading through his limbs before he can repeat himself or worry with it.

“You can’t go back there, baby.”

Emily blinks and there’s an older woman stopping Emily’s zombie-like march beside the gurney as they rush Hotch off to the side. She can’t tear her eyes off of him. Watching numbly as they cut his shirt down the middle and start to attach to electrodes to his alarmingly pale chest.

Her hands are trembling as she pulls her phone out of her pocket. “Dave?” she’s breathless with the anxiety swelling in her own chest. “I’m so sorry--” and she’s crying. Why? He’s not her friend? He’s her neighbor who she’s known for a whole freaking week and yet-- And she can’t deal with Dave being mad either. But he isn’t.

The minute he steps into the hospital, he comes right up to and pulls her into a hug. She sobs into his arms and he lets her because he’s seen Aaron this bad before. He knows it’s unnerving.

“Do you have any news?” Dave asks her and she shakes her head. He squeezes her arm and smiles at her tear-stained face. “I’ll be right back, okay? They know my face, I might be able to wrangle some news out of one of the nurses.”

She nods her head and watches dejectedly as he walks away.

Aaron had told her that Rossi had slept with many nurses while he was in the hospital. She’s thinking about the way he’d smiled when he told her that when she falls into the waiting rooms stiff chairs.

#shattered hearts fractured lungs #aaron hotchner #tw school shooting #emily prentiss #whump #hotchniss #hotly #penelope garcia #spencer reid #derek morgan #david rossi

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salamoonder · 3 years

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caddy did specifically say he isn't into sex though? it's not true for every ace, but it is for him & i guess i don't get why someone would (after this episode) write smut with him

alright anon, you clearly sent this in good faith and i’m going to try my best to give you a reasonable explanation. apologies if it gets rambly or tmi, i’m going to insert tws.

let me give you some perspective on where i’m coming from.

hi, i’m thane. i was raised in an extremely isolated religious homeschool community in the literal woods with a lot of siblings .i thought i was never going to leave this tiny little town. i think death is fascinating, i love mushrooms and i adore tea. i consider myself to be, among other things, asexual. i’m possibly romance repulsed. (still figuring that out.) when i get upset i throw myself into taking care of other people and ignoring my own feelings as hard as possible. i project onto caduceus hard.

for the past six months or so, i’ve been working on a fjord/caduceus smut fic in which i also project very hard onto fjord, who i also believe falls somewhere on the aroace scale. it deals with the discomfort of realizing that other people may be attracted to you in a way that you can’t reciprocate, the frustration of having a high libido and nothing to “do” with it, having a connection with someone that isn’t quite sexual or romantic or platonic that is difficult to explain to anyone else, and the pressure of outside expectations and rude questions/assumptions on a private relationship that people don’t “get”--are you ace or aren’t you? if you have sex with someone when you’re not particularly into it, doesn’t that mean they forced you? why don’t you just kiss already? qprs are just friendships, haven’t you ever had a friend before? how can you be kinky and dislike sex at the same time? that kind of thing. this fic is my baby and i’ve poured a lot of my own experiences and thoughts and feelings into it. i’m not sure if i will ever actually publish it. it might be too personal. anyway. there is one reason for you that people may still write cad smut after this.

i understand the frustration of watching allo people go “buuuut ace people have sex too so i can just keep shipping him!”. i’ve dealt with a lot of that--fortunately not in this fandom (yet :P) but i’m in another fandom where it’s frustratingly prevalent, and quite frankly, i can’t stand it. so i get it. i really do. and the posts that i made were out of frustration and anger at the idea that now that we have canon confirmation, that would mean that i would now possibly have to contend with “excuse me caduceus is ace wtf” in my shippy cad posts or fics when quite frankly i’ve considered him canon ace for months and was feeling very well represented and happy that i had someone who is somewhat like me to insert into these relationships, especially in qprs or in “yeah we’re dating but it’s not really a Relationship relationship we just kind of do our own thing, attraction and lack thereof is weird and nebulous and we just do what makes us comfortable”.

[dubcon tw, sex, “virginity” talk] another reason someone may have, from a reader’s perspective? there’s a fic on the kink meme which i can link to if anyone wants it where the nein encounter a dragon who says that he can trade nott’s true halfling form back to her in exchange for a sexual favor from the nein, so long as it’s from a virgin. jester starts to volunteer but caduceus insists, reasoning that sex isn’t really a big deal to him since he’s not into it and doesn’t matter all that much. he basically dissociates during the act itself and later feels empty/weird/”broken” without really knowing why and has some trouble processing the encounter, especially as, he reasons, he consented, right? it ends in a lot of comfort and validation from the rest of the nein.

without going too deep into details of my own trauma, this was a fic that i was able to point to and say me yes me this makes sense oh my god other people experience or at least understand this. it was an incredibly validating read. so there’s another reason. [end tw]

one last thing i would just like to clarify/point out: while i don’t have to like it (and i seriously do not like it), a lot of people in that other fandom i talked about will tag fics with “i know [character] is aroace, but i’m ignoring that in this fic”. it’s kind of shitty of me to read that, and then complain that “hey, [character] isn’t aroace in this fic”. they warned me. (it is also worth noting that a lot of this stuff is just people continuing fics that they’d started before this character’s identity was confirmed.) and i don’t have to like or agree with them, but they have made it extremely easy for me to open that fic, see the warning, and go “oh, nope, not for me”, and click out. we can debate till we’re blue in the face if this is the same as, say, if i tagged my fic with “human!molly” and someone went “oh, nope, not for me” and clicked out, because “tiefling” is not a real life marginalized identity, but they do have one thing in common, and that is that they are both not canon. they can’t change canon and they never will. that’s the magical best-and-worst part about fanfiction, in my opinion. if someone is going around saying “caduceus isn’t aroace because i said so” well then not only is that asshole behavior, it’s just a straight up lie. but i don’t want people to be punished for warning me exactly what i’m getting into precisely because i may not like it.

so there’s my reasoning for writing ace cad smut, and also my reasoning for why i don’t think we should be harassing people for writing clearly marked cad smut, ace or otherwise. if you’d like clarification or more explanations, please don’t hesitate to ask. it feels like i barely brushed the surface of my thoughts on this.

#i genuinely don't know what to tag this with tbh.#not putting it in main tags #but not tagging discourse either since this particular question is just that #a question and not an argument #if you want additional trigger tags please lmk #anonymous

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hilarieburtonmorgan · 3 years

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Hilarie Burton Morgan On Home Beyond Hollywood And Working Beside Her Husband On ‘The Walking Dead’

FilmMagic

From her standout performances on beloved television series to a recent bestselling memoir, Hilarie Burton Morgan continues to take us along on her journey called life. Beginning her career as a MTV VJ in 2000 to regularly lighting up the small screen ever since, the 38-year-old actress and author wears multiple hats these days, with an even more important title of mother & wife leading her charge. Now with several exciting projects on the horizon, including her long-anticipated introduction into the expanding world of The Walking Dead beside her husband Jeffrey Dean Morgan , Hilarie is no doubt maintaining a lasting impression.

To truly appreciate her on-screen chemistry with Jeffrey, it would be helpful to know how they first connected off-screen. “I knew right away,” Hilarie tells Forbes about how soon she knew Jeffrey was the person for her, while sharing the story of how they met. “My very dear friend Danneel Ackles is married to Jensen Ackles and I would stay at their house every time I would go out to LA. When I was 26, I went to stay at their house and I think they got sick of me dating drifters. So Jensen was like ‘I’m going to introduce you to someone that I want to hang out with’ and he introduced me to Jeffrey, who had played his dad on Supernatural . It was pretty from the jump. He started sending me packages right away of books and love letters and he laid it on nice and thick and it worked! Here we are 12 years later.”

AFP via Getty Images

Easter Sunday on AMC, The Walking Dead will reveal to viewers the backstory of Jeffrey’s character Negan and his ailing wife Lucille, played by Hilarie. Even though this important “Here’s Negan” season finale episode will be the first time you will actually see Lucille in action, Hilarie points out that her character has played an integral part on the hit series for some time now. “The mythology of Lucille has been around as long as Negan has been around,” Hilarie explains. “When it was introduced that he had a baseball bat that he used to kill people named Lucille, obviously there were questions surrounding who that was named after and he has been pretty forthcoming throughout the series that his dead wife was the inspiration for the name and he has talked a number of times about her cancer diagnosis, about her death, about what that loss meant to him. While Negan and my husband have been vilified over the last five or so years, to me what Lucille is, is a real glimpse into who Negan was pre-apocalypse and the man that she wanted him to be.”

Hilarie says being a real-life married couple portraying a married couple on television was an experience they really enjoyed together. “It was really wonderful. We have a really similar energy on-set. Neither one of us takes ourselves very seriously. We like joking around.” Hilarie also hopes that fans will better understand the violent ways of Negan after they get to see the love and heartbreak that he came from. “If there was ever a time for people to understand Negan’s aggression or his way of doing things, I feel like the entire world has been prepped for that over the last year. So Lucille comes in as the person who loves him the most and loves him even with his flaws. Perhaps the audience if they don’t already love him, which they should, perhaps they can follow Lucille’s example and love him through the tough stuff.”

Josh Stringer/AMC

In reality, Hilarie’s life with Jeffrey and their two kids is far less dramatic. When their son was in preschool, the couple decided to set roots as a growing family in Upstate New York and ultimately build their home on a farm. “We rescue animals and we got tons of chickens and ducks and cows and llamas and an emu and a donkey that are in love. We have got a really large vegetable garden that we definitely expanded on during quarantine and our son just turned eleven and our daughter is three and they are fully onboard with getting involved in there.”

Following the unexpected death of their local family friend Ira Gutner, Hilarie and Jeffrey decided to become co-owners of Samuel’s Sweet Shop to keep Ira’s storefront from closing, with the help of a handful of nearby friends, including another familiar face, actor Paul Rudd. “It has been such a wonderful experience for our kids because they all know what their first job is going to be,” Hilarie adds. “It has been fun for our community because we have been able to use it as the trophy case for all our food artists in town. During quarantine, when you can’t celebrate with the people you love, we hired all new people and created a new space to do gift baskets. It was so wonderful that our community and people from all over the country were supporting a small business, because we know what lockdown did to those this year.”

AMC

Last May, in the height of the Covid-19 pandemic, Hilarie published her memoir The Rural Diaries: Love, Livestock and Big Life Lessons Down on Mischief Farm . In the book, which she says is meant to be a love letter to her husband, her community and her children, Hilarie very openly discusses the miscarriages she endured and says she did not expect so many people to connect with her story over the past year. “This has been a book that people have gifted their friends or their loved ones during a really difficult time. For me, the responsibility of being a voice for people who have felt like they needed to keep miscarriages or infertility a secret, I’m very serious about it. I never want to cheapen that for anyone because I know how terrible it is to fall asleep at night devastated.” Hilarie is currently writing a second book, which she hopes to have done by next year.

Even as new projects continue to pop up for Hilarie, her nostalgic fan-favorite projects from yesteryear also seem to have the possibility of returning in some capacity. When discussing her role as Sara Ellis on the stylish con artist series White Collar and her commitment to finding a way to work with that cast family again through a revival series or simply together on a new project, Hilarie says, “We’re going to get the band back together, hell or high water. We love each other.”

Hilarie’s six seasons starring as Peyton Sawyer on the hit drama series One Tree Hill has led to her having a substantially large and vocal fanbase for nearly two decades now . “Peyton was the Negan of One Tree Hill because there are people who really hated her and then there were people who really loved how messy she was. Those are the characters that I have always been drawn to, which is probably why I am so defensive of my husband’s character. I love Peyton Sawyer. I put so much of my real self into that character and really fought for her a lot behind the scenes.” When reflecting on the longevity of this series that ran from 2003-2012, Hilarie has noticed the loyal One Tree Hill fan community growing larger and larger as time goes on, as younger generations are now experiencing the series for the very first time through the in-demand world of video streaming. “It’s going to be weird when my son or my daughter comes of age and has to reckon with all the dumb stuff their mother did in her early twenties because it’s there forever,” Hilarie jokes.

FilmMagic

When referencing her One Tree Hill co-stars, which include Sophia Bush, Bethany Joy Lenz, James Lafferty and Chad Michael Murray, Hilarie says, “Those are going to be the people that I’m close with forever. Those are the people who were with me when I was most unsure about myself and we’ve all seen each other fall in love and break up and been through it. All of those life experiences matter, now that we are almost twenty years later and we’ll love each other forever. We’re always scheming on how to continue to work together.” When hoping Hilarie will elaborate further with any hints for fans, she responds, “I will say that the girls in particular are very, very close. We went through a lot together on that show and we evolved together on that show and so we may have some things in the works that we will be excited to promote later this summer.”

As Hilarie strives to make time for her new and revisited projects, she is consistently striving to make her family’s schedules work as one. “We definitely take turns. Jeffrey’s Walking Dead schedule is obviously the thing that takes precedent. So if I can maintain my side hustles around that (laughs) . The kids’ school year is a big deal for us and what has been really lovely is that in the time we have lived in the Hudson Valley, the film community there has really blossomed. Everything is about making it work for the family and I think once you have that as your center point, it makes every other decision that rolls around it very easy.”

Hilarie wrapped up our conversation thinking about other women in the world right now that have to juggle many responsibilities at once during this life-altering era of the pandemic. “For me, the struggle is always between being a good mom and working and quarantine pulled so many women out of the workforce. When I see those numbers of the amount of women that had to leave work to be able to take care of their children because schools were closed and because we didn’t know what this virus was going to do, that’s heartbreaking. Being able to be a working mother from home and take my kids to school and take them to dance class and write my book and produce movies is something I don’t take for granted at all. I want a shine a light on all the women who are doing it. Homeschool and working and cooking dinner and cleaning the house and just all of it. You’re never good enough. So for the women who out there trying their absolute best, I just want you to know you’re good enough and you’ve kicked ass and your kids are going to be great and they saw how much you cared and how hard you worked and that’s important.”

#hilarie burton #jeffrey dean morgan #the walking dead #news #2021

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madllamamomma · 4 years

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I Think I Have a Problem.... (A personal true story).

So as the title suggests, I have a strange problem…. Just as a warning, this is about my view of my younger self. It is about religion, and gender identity. This is not how I see the world anymore. It was how I told how the world should look. If you are offended in any way, please know this is a vent post and nothing to hurt anyone else. This is just what happened to me as a child. Shit….. This is about to get very long winded, so buckle up and here we go… *takes deep breath*

So a little backstory on your Mother Llama: I was raised in a weird backward ass “Independent” Baptist church most of my young life. If you guys don’t know what those are, be thankful…. But I guess I should explain it the best way I can…. they are a borderline cult. Yes. I said it. I’m not sorry. It may sound like an extreme accusation, but hold on. Just listen to me.

Now, I have no problem with Christians, or religion. You should believe whatever you want to believe in…. I do however, have a problem when religion is used as an excuse to not educate minds about the real world, force them to not let them think for themselves, and when someone questions any of it, they are punished or shamed for it instead of thinking about an answer. If you can’t tell, I am still a little angry about that shit. Imma try to keep on topic here….

I wasn’t taught science (real science anyways, it was all about ‘creation’ bs—OH! And being anything but a cis straight person was compleltly unexceptable. Woman were the weaker sex and were made to raise babies and take care of the husband. Men were superior and should be taken care of.) nor about World history or about other cultures, other than biblical of course. And when they were mentioned, they made them look evil and behave like heathens because they didn’t believe the same as they did. Everything changed when I went to public school half of fourth grade when my family moved to a different state and there wasn’t any church school like I went to. I learned a lot those years, that ‘The World’ wasn’t as bad of a place as they said it was. It was vast and had many things to offer. (No, not the World, Dio’s stan power from Jojo’s bizarre adventures—that is what our pastors called anything outside of the Baptist approved realm. Something ‘Worldly’ was basically something sinful and ungodly and therefor was bad and wrong).

So this may seem like a strange Segway in to what I am actually getting at, but I had a huge crush on this boy back when I was young and it started when I was about 12 or 13 years old and ended when I was 16. He was the same age as me, and he was the son of a pastor of a small church of about 20 people, mostly military families— we will call him.... D.... for dick...

I thought for a long time that I ‘loved’ D. I thought that ‘God made him for me’ (yes I really said that and it hurt to even write it). I really thought I knew what love was back then, but I was very wrong.

D was homeschooled, he didn’t have many friends and was also a navy brat like I was. So, naturally, we got along very well, and I would hang out with him at his house sometimes. We mainly played video games I was terrible at and he would always bet me. But I liked hanging out with him, so I didn’t care if I won or not. My heart for some reason was totally head over heels over D. And he liked me too for a while… or at least I thought he did… He however never made a move. I always thought D was just too shy, and didn’t know how to ask me. Any time I tried holding his hand, I’d chicken out. It was a stalemate. But this particular church did a thing where people had to court. Yes... COURT someone, not DATE (Courting is where you had adult chaperones keeping an eye on you two, you were never really alone. Ever, because apparently you can’t be trusted?). When we both turned 15 yo, D started a private Christian school. Being the awkward girl I was, I never told him how I felt, I just waiting for him to say something. Time passed, and I still waited and waited for him to ask me out.

But here’s the thing! He didn’t know the real me.

I was in public school, in middle school, and I started to become a weeb. Like a super cringy weeb that didn’t like anything else but anime—I was also kinda emo/punk kid thought I was edgy. (Yeah rock music was bad too, it was ‘Worldly’).Not a very good mix for Baptist I know. At school, I was one person, and at church I was another.

Well, being an anime fan meant I was exposed to a lot of things like the LGTB+ community for the first time. A lot of my friends at the time started to come out other than straight and that was very new to me.

During that time, I soon was starting to secretly question my faith, my understanding of my own sexuality and gender. Like, maybe people liking the same sex or both is actually not a bad thing after all (if you haven’t seen any of my works, hopefully you guys know that I know better that what I was taught—I am a proud fuckin’ ally! I still consider myself cis-straight, but some days I feel like I’m bi-curious, and that’s ok! It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m here now. Gender roles are dead and stupid.)

So here is the kicker~ One faithful day we had a guest pastor join us for a few weeks from another church. This mother fuckin’ nasty ass old white man from Alabama came with his ‘perfect quiet godly’ wife. Who badly ever spoke a damn word. She always just sat in the corner all ‘ladylike’.

—Oh!!! Another fun fact, I didn’t wear pants for a year when I was 10 yo becasue that was considered “cross dressing”— I’m dead fucking serious. My parents then decided after attending sporting events and stuff like that to drop that ludicrous lifestyle, becasue it was stupid. So, Outside of church, my family and I still wore pants and shorts and whatever, but in church we pretended that we didn’t wear anything but modest skirts, dresses, and long culottes. (That’s a little damaging…. don’t you think? Telling people your one thing, when in reality you're not like that at all??)

Anyways— I hated skirts, especially wearing them in the state we lived in, it was way too hot and I’d get chafed (these had to be knee length or longer btw). And of course that guest preacher would preach about the sins of women wearing pants, but I didn’t care. I wore them for so long, it just made me angry anytime someone would bring that up. I liked my jeans and I was starting to become a rebel teen who gave less than a fuck and started to speak my mind. Which was dangerous to that community…. Also I had a bad tendency of not keeping my legs together when I bent down, and one time I accidently showed my underwear (that’s really embarrassing btw, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s awful when you're 14 yo-- really any age actually).

So, one day I wore a long jean skirt for a youth outing with the church. I was required to wear it, but I always wore leggings underneath so I wouldn’t accidentally show my undies if I fell down or the wind blew it. This fucker had to say something about it. The old man turned to me with a wrinkled smirk as I was passing by him and dared to utter, “Now, don’t you feel most femine and ladylike in that skirt? I’m sure Jesus would like seeing you like that.”

My shoulders clench up tight, my brow furrows. All I can remember seeing is fucking red and actually trembling with fury. (This was happening in my pastor, D’s father’s, own living room mind you.) D was there watching as I blanched about ten shades of red in anger and embarrassed because that prick of an old man called me out in front of everyone. I turned to him and half shouted, “NO! I don’t!” I could see my pastor’s mouth drop to the floor as I began to completely obliterate this old man. But I couldn't stop myself as I started to further cut into him. “—I hate wearing skirts! I don’t feel ladylike! In fact, they make me feel vulnerable! What if some guy tries to rape me! They won’t have any problem getting to me!—Why is something with a whole on the bottom more ladylike than something that actually covers me?! I like pants! They are comfortable and they make me feel safe! Why is that a sin to wear something that is more covering?!?! I’m not cross dressing, my mom bought them in the girl’s session!! [Keep in mind that was a long time ago, I don’t feel like people should care about what section they get their clothes from, wear what you want] And what do you know about wearing a skirt?! You’re a man! You try wearing them! They suck! You need to stop telling me what I can and can’t wear! I’m not dressing like a whore for wearing something with a crotch!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Everyone in the living room was just stunned at my audacity to dare speak to this pastor like I did. But he was so fucking quiet after that. And I stormed out of the house and the guest pastor never spoke to me again about it. Luckily my mom came and picked me shortly after that. She was angry too after I told her what happened. That old fuck singled me out and I was pissed off. I was a teenager and that shit was embarrassing!

But I made the mistake of showing my true self. I think after that moment, D stopped liking me after that.

Some shit went down south with my parents behind closed doors of my household, and eventually they got divorced. They left the small church because the pastor didn’t approve of it. Pastor said that my parents just needed more counseling but he didn't understand that they just needed to not be together. Sometimes you can’t make things work. Especially when your dad is a toxic piece of shit that only cares about himself.

Anyways, everyone in my family left the church, but I stuck around that shit-hole just to see if D would ask me out. I was so desperate, I felt like I waited forever, but really it was like 2-3 years, and I felt like I couldn’t give up. Eventually D and I turned 16. He started to become distant and a little mean towards me and I became confused and started to realize the worst. Finally, I was tired of waiting so I asked his older sister if he liked me on the way back taking me home. I could see it in her face, that she didn’t want to have my heart broken, but reluctantly she told me no. He actually liked another girl at his new private school and was going to ask her parents to court her instead.

I was so devastated.... It hurt so much, I cried myself to sleep that night, and most of that week I was very sad.

Obviously, after that, I stopped going to church entirely, I couldn't show my face anymore. Finally let myself question my faith, sexuality, gender roles, and humanity all together. And realized that religion was stupid (in my opinion at the time) and I came u with the conclusion that people can be sheep. I was a sheep for a long time. And I refuse to be one ever again.

High school was very enjoyable after that, and I let myself grow and started to love other religions and world history, and tried to stop being so judgmental of others and what they felt like. I even got into a relationship with a sweet boy around my age.

Eventually in college, after a break-up with my high school sweetheart, I reconnected with D via FB. Apparently, the church went under and his parents moved away to Greece to be missionaries or something. D still lives in the same town I’m in, but graduated from a “Christian academy”—not Catholic, Christian. Catholic colleges are accredited at least. But he basically told me he was a secret “bad boy” now. He lost his virginity in highschool, (like I did) and he was totally trying to booty call me. Not even hiding it either! He was like, “Hey, Llama, you wanna fuck?”.

And I was like, “D! You broke my fucking heart when we were young! Don’t you remember that???”

And he was like, “Oh no! I had no idea! (the fuckin’ liar). Well, we can fuck now!~ *wink, wink*”

🤨

This is where I was a jerk.... Because he broke my heart. I led him on, told him I would meet up with him at his house to sleep with him, and just didn’t show up—ghosted him ever since. The worst part about that, is I still don’t regret doing that to him. I hope I hurt his feelings and felt like an ass like I did.

So years have passed, I consider myself as a rather successful woman now. I’m 27, I consider myself Buddhist (I am a terrible Buddhist I know), I am an Occupational Therapy Assistant and I have a great husband (I married the guy I was with in high school). And he loves the real me—the crazy closet weeb, cartoon watching, creative, expressive, me! The person who also writes fanfiction about a romance novel and he is fine with it. Because he is a huge nerd too and we are both nerds together.

My husband is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. When I write about Rhemi and Muriel, I draw a lot of inspiration with our conversation we have and how relationship dynamics are and I think it makes the writing more authentic and makes them feel a bit more real.

I love my husband more than anything… So why do I keep dreaming about that stupid asshole that just liked the fake me? D was and always will be a total tool. He is like the basic bitch of a man. And yet I still find him creeping in my dreams and I try to cheat on my husband with him in them. I wake up feeling totally terrible and weird after them too. D is a terrible fucking person—the worst person you can be in my opinion—The kind of person why lies and tells people one thing, but hides the fact that he’s really just a nasty fuck boy. If you are one, just be honest! Don’t tell another woman you're a good christan man, when really you’ve slept with not just one, but multiple girls! That how you get fucking STDs! I hate being lied to, and I’m sure other girls do too! So I guess that’s why I do, because I felt like I was lied to my entire life. Then again, why should I even care?! Why do I feel like I still obsess over him? I hate him so much now! So why do I even care? Why do I still find myself stalking him on social media? Why does it even matter? Why do I want him to see I’m happy without him? Why do I want him to see what he could have had with me? We were just stupid teenagers! Why did I care so much? Why did it hurt so much when I found out he didn’t like me?! It’s been over a decade, and we didn’t even really date! Why did this affect me so hard? …. FUCK!

So yeah. That’s my long ass rant for you all… thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#story time #mad llama momma story #true story #weird dreams #why does my brain do this?#anybody relate?#does anyone get me?#vent post

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secret-engima · 4 years

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Wait, didn’t you say that Titus was 13 when jungle living became The Thing to Do in Galahd? Shouldn’t he have, some sort of idea of what’s happening? I mean, that’s about the time I had school giving me the biology side of puberty. It was basic, also mostly so the girls who were early bloomers didn’t get screwed and think they dying. So, how does that fit into all the really fun part of Galahd Don’t Biology Good?

No- see- Titus did not go to School, he was homeschooled because that’s actually the norm in Galahd (and 90% of the time it works out FINE because the whole village will happily chip in on the Schooling in any areas where the parents Don’t Know Much about a given subject) and further he was being raised by his Aunt who was Really Busy being the matron of an orphanage (where Amissa lived) and often Titus was busy too busy helping her help the kiddos to go to the other villagers with questions. His Aunt and the other matrons didn’t have TIME to do more than, at best, give him a “there are three secondaries, these are their names, and when you Mature things will get weird but I will explain more later”. Except the Nifs happened so there never was a Later.

So while Titus DID know that these things have like- a name and are “normal” he had no idea WHAT “normal” entailed or what to do about it.

Also he was the first to Mature so he was a little too miserable at the time to help Amissa with all the other panicking kiddos. So when Amissa started bluffing her way through this, Titus went along with it because it ... kinda made logical sense and it was better than letting his instincts Run Wild.

So in how that fits into Galahd Doesn’t Biology Good (tho these will mostly be the social side-effects of that) some highlights include:

-Because Titus goes around the Citadel suppressing his scent while on duty (they only released their scents in the Den with the Pack remember), everybody thinks he hates their guts and is constantly on the edge of MUrDeROuS FuRY and only works with them because he hates the Nifs more than he hates them. (Titus does NOT get why the servants avoid him like the plague and the Crownsguard get all tense and Regis is never allowed to be alone in the same room as Titus because like- he’s never done anything to them? Never lashed out physically and usually not verbally? Maybe his scent is leaking out from his annoyance over the latest mounds of paperwork and it scares them he’d better Suppress Harder-).

-The Glaives are, in fact, as cheerful and polite as they know to be with everyone else in the Citadel. But because they are Awkward with Manners at times and are always Suppressing, most people think they are pathological liars. The Glaives don’t get why everyone is so rude to them and wary, but whatever they tried.

-What is Flirting We Know Only Work and Dead Things (aka the few times any secretary or whatever flirts with a Glaive, they get a blank look and sometimes an offended sniff because why are you throwing your scent at me like that. We’re not Pack. You don’t smell like you want to be friends or Pack. Why is your Scent like that I don’t get it leave me alone.)

-What Are Day Offs We Know Only Pain (aka NONE of them understand that it’s normal for people to be given days off/half days during their Heats or Ruts because like- Pain and Suffering and Uncontrolled Instincts. So there ARE days when Titus and a third of the Glaive are genuinely murderous and usually do their best to go out on a mission to destroy Nifs to work out their ANGER at not being home, happily fussing over their Pack, unaware that they have every right to do just that if they ever LET ANYONE KNOW that they were actually on their Rut rn. The same goes for the Omegas when they hit their Heats.)

-These kiddos do NOT understand the concept of casual scenting. Like- DO NOT. They do not get that the reason everyone else always has their scent at least mildly out is because that’s considered polite, an extra way to read someone’s emotions/intent in a conversation and stuff. To the glaives it just means they’re bad at suppressing and it’s ... probably not polite to point that out? So they don’t? They just pretend the person they are talking to doesn’t Suck at Suppressing and refuse to react to whatever they smell unless it’s like- an injury or something. This only makes people more convinced that the glaives are crazy/weird/lairs because they’re “obviously ignoring social cues” (they are, because they’re trying to be polite). Titus is especially bad at this because the more he respects someone the harder he will pretend to ignore their terrible Suppression Abilities. Considering he actually respects Regis a LOT .... you can see how fast the misunderstandings breed.

-Anytime someone Tries Something against a glaive (like if someone thinks the Glaive in question is an Omega and tries to express dominance) prepare to be scentlessly mobbed by a very displeased Pack, who will kick you around and snarl death threats and generally give you a horrible time all without ever flaring their scent. Its the equivalent of being attacked by a bunch of monotone computers. All the proper threatening verbiage is there, but “emotionally” it’s blank because of a lack of scent. It creeps the witnesses out like WHOO.

-Btw a side-effect of their constant suppression is when any of them DO let their scent out around a stranger, ie is finally pushed to express dominance that way, they can and will STAGGER the threat with the strength of their scent. They go from Near Null to Very Powerful in 0.5 seconds and its usually enough to stun someone. When Titus does it he can genuinely drive someone to their knees under the sheer intensity and weight of his scent, which is yet another reason he tries to never let his scent out around non-Galahdians. He doesn’t want to hurt them (unless they deserve it, in which case he prefers his sword anyway).

(hope that answered your ask!)

#SE asks #anon asks #Secret Engima Rambles #Stand Strong Verse

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unsureofreligionname · 4 years

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This was meant to be me venting, but accidentally became a history of my relationship with religion instead.

Alright. So.

Came here to talk about religion because I have no outlet. If you don't want to hear it, just block me. I'm not trying to convert anyone, I'm just explaining things to see if anyone has a feckin name for my damn belief system, because I really want to avoid accidentally starting a religion or something and pissing everyone off more.

People who got pissy last time got on my ass about how I probably wasn't even ethnically jewish, so here's the whole story.

I was raised by a mother who was raised by a non-practicing jewish mother, both of whom converted to christianity in the late nineties, shortly before I was born. They're ethnically jewish, or so I'm told.

Not super related, but, in case it comes up later, I was raised with the belief that my mother's family is a long line of very careful psychics, which roughly means "a lot of the family is sensitive to spirit shit but avoids it like the plague because it's scary."

I was raised by a father who is, as far as I know, not ethnically jewish. He's of mixed asian heritage, so i guess maybe, but I'm going to assume he's not. His parents, however, were both religiously Jewish; my grandmother was adopted and raised Jewish, and my grandfather converted sometime between meeting and marrying my grandmother. They are reform. My father wasn't the most religious guy in the world, but, if you asked, he'd probably either make a joke about ohio state football or say that he was jewish.

I was raised by my father and mother together until I was seven. We didn't always consistently go to church in early childhood, but my mother did take me to two or three for months or years at a time during the 2-5 period. We celebrated christmas and easter, and i had an illustrated children's bible that, if I remember right, was split into two parts: the first was marketed to christian and jewish kids, and the latter- new testament- to christian kids. Guessing the marketing from the publishing organizations. I think I had a few other religious books and videotapes directed towards kids, both jewish and christian. I specifically remember one that illustrated mana as vanilla wafers for some reason. At seven, my parents divorced, and I primarily lived with my dad.

My dad didn't take me anywhere on the regular, but when I visited his parents for the full weekend, they'd take me to the synagogue. This was every couple of weeks. We celebrated major jewish holidays, but smaller festivals only really got a mention. When I was ten, my dad and stepmother married. She wasn't really religious, but her parents were christian, so christmas was back on our roster then, too.

I started going to hebrew school in 6th grade, but I didn't actually have a bar mitzvah because I ended up getting kicked out at around the time I turned 13 due to a whole thing about me going trick or treating when I was "too old" or whatever, shitty parents, so I ended up having to go live with my mom after that.

At this point, my mom was studying to become a youth pastor, and enrolled me into a local christian school with about a hundred students. Unfortunately, this ended up being a weird fundamentalist cult with its own textbooks and teachings, including that bacteria was not real, AIDS was a summoned by The Gays™ to kill all the christians, evolution was a conspiracy meant to dissuade people from religion, et cetera. It was fucking bizarre, at one point they called several of us posessed for being autistic and otherwise neurodivergent, and they categorized us students into the groups wise, fools, simple, and scorners. (I was a fool, by the way.) It was really not ideal, and the weird punishments were pretty traumatic. There was some weird brainwashy type word repetition involved with lookatthepersonsayokayanddothetask over and over and over, and it sucked.

So, I was at that school for about 18 months before they kicked me out for refusing to stand on one foot for an extended period of time after tapping my foot in class which caused a student who disliked me to complain.

At the same time, my mother was working at a small church out of town that wasn't exactly a cult, but I think the pastor kind of wanted it to be? It was like he wanted the cult aesthetic™ and devoted followers and shit, but only had the skill to make a really sketchy and toxic small town church with a lot of people sitting on blankets on the floor instead. That church honestly wasn't a big part of my life the way the fucked cult was, I just sort of went most weeks. I went to a confirmation class there- I'm pretty sure it was a methodist church- and got confirmed into it shortly before my mother left because the administration was weird in like an asshole way, and that was the last I knew of it.

I was homeschooled for a while during the end of this period due to all of the school stuff. Religiously, by this point in my life, I'd developed some of my own beliefs. I believed in most of the new testament and most of the torah, but I didn't have much exposure to the talmud or much of a comprehensive education in any religion. I think I read a bible cover to cover at least once as a kid, including some shitty commentary (it was a preteen bible) that gave me some internalized homophobia issues for actual years. I was also super curious about the paranormal but terrified of possession- remember the cult?- and I was curious about the idea of some people being reincarnated if they were needed on earth again. Not sure where exactly that idea came from, but it was there. People told me from a lot of sides that those with the wrong religion would go to hell, and the cult tried to teach us all to convert people at any opportunity, but, after leaving, the whole situation just made me massively uncomfortable. I did continue to practice the jewish traditions I knew how to do on my own- like hannukah and a weird private sort of passover- and my mother would support this by getting me what I needed for it, even though she didn't participate and I didn't go to any place of worship during holidays.

After getting kicked out of school not that long after adjusting to not seeing my dad or siblings on his side, we moved. My dad lost custody at some point and we no longer had to live close, so we moved and tried to find a better school. It was a Catholic grade school this time, and I was there for about six months, if I had to guess. It was actually a pretty good school, but I had some issues at the time, so I didn't enjoy it much. I was scared of teachers and administration by then, and I had trouble going the entire school day without panicking or not being able to work. There was a period of a week or two in which I didn't speak at school at all. We ended up settling on half days, and, after that, I did well.

The religion class was awkward. The other kids seemed to know more than me even though I'd thought I had a good grasp on religion at that point, and the little information we shared I'd been taught from a very different perspective. Everyone was very nice to me, but I definitely stood out as the kid who wasn't catholic at that point.

Chapel was even weirder. We had to go every wednesday during school, and catholic churches had so many traditions I didn't know about, and the stuff I knew about from either my jewish grandparents or protestant churches had a different name for some reason.

I'm looking at you, sacraments.

Anyway.

I don't think I got much out of the chapel, but religion classes were kind of cool. I liked learning about stuff I hadn't heard before, and the things that were the same were a comfort.

Soon, though, I was graduating eighth grade. I ended up going to a catholic high school. I was still out of place, but I at least had a basic idea of what to do during the mass this school had monthly.

I liked the religion classes here more, how they were an open discussion of everyone's opinions and experiences, and I liked that both of the most recent schools I'd gone to had actual textbooks with facts and studies in them. There were more kids there who weren't catholic, and I felt more comfortable to actually explore religious topics with people. I had a better understanding of catholic beliefs, a decent idea of their traditions, and could recognize at least a few of their holidays I couldn't have before.

I spent my last year of high school at a public career center to start working towards a medical career.

Now, my current beliefs. If you don't want to read it, then just don't.

I haven't been to any place of worship since my school required it, but I do have strong beliefs. I believe in one God (which I generally write all the way out after a billion essays for religion class) who created everything and watches over humans, which he made in his image, etc etc etc. I believe the old stories from the tanakh/old testament/don't care what you call it and the new- yes, including the key messiah bit- though I do think it wasn't all translated perfectly and that it was written by humans who made mistakes and poor decisions sometimes in their writing. I believe people's salvation comes through their intention, not through a piece of knowledge or a creed or good deeds or a tradition, and I believe different people worshipping in different ways is how it should be, because different people NEED different styles of worship. I believe that if someone is genuinely mistaken and incorrect in who or what they believe in, it doesn't MATTER because it's the intention to strive to do good and not harm fellow people that counts. I'm a little guarded about sharing my own beliefs, hence why I made an anonymous tumblr account, but I'm generally very curious to hear about what other people believe. I find that, for me, celebrating Jewish holidays and traditions helps me get closer to God, and I'd like to find a place of worship one day, but churches fucking terrify me now. I worship best by sitting and discussing beliefs, but I have no place to do it now that I've graduated school. I also developed some of my less related beliefs now: I believe in a lot of old stories that have popped up around the world, like fairies of various places, different creatures and entities and things that have become the subject of curiosity or worship, spirits and things, etc. I think many of these creatures exist, just that they may be different from us in the nature of how they interact with the world and matter and that, and I don't think they're deities or anything. I believe in ghosts of humans in some cases, too, though I believe sometimes other things mimic them. I don't find the idea of God having someone reincarnated if he wants the same soul to play many parts in the world unlikely at all, though that's really just me speculating. I still believe in demons, and I still don't want anything to do with them.

A lot of my understanding of things comes from Jewish, Catholic, and Protestant teaching in a strange mishmosh of culture and religion.

I relate to a lot of things directed at Jewish people, and I understand what's directed at Catholic people. Things directed at Protestant people are both understood and, unfortunately, make me instinctively wary due to weird cult trauma (that in no way reflects on actual protestant people, i love you guys some people just suck and twist religion) so are hard to interact with.

In a lot of ways, I'd consider myself Jewish. Culturally, at least, if my religious beliefs aren't "validly jewish" or whatever.

I have literally zero actual connections to any Catholic church, but I almost feel like a weird half-catholic. That's not a thing, but it's how it feels. I believe a lot of it, and I'm interested in all of it, even if I have my disagreements, plus I understand the environments and culture of it, even if I'm a bit of an outsider.

A year- or maybe two years, idk- ago, I mentioned some upcoming holiday or smth in a post and tagged it messianic. That's the closest name I could find for my experience, but apparently some organizations who use the term suck or something. I ended up getting a bunch of asks calling me a predatory fake jew or a fundamentalist christian trying to appropriate judaism or other weird shit that I'm NOT DOING. Because of my experiences in the past, those comments still weigh so damn heavy on my that I broke my resolve and made this stupid account to complain about it.

I don't have a name for what I am. I don't know where to go to talk about my beliefs with people, or what environment I could find to actually practice whatever weird faith I've dreamt up with other people in a way that isn't just picking part of what I believe and leaving the rest to rot. I feel closer to God and more spiritually fulfilled practicing the festivals that call back to what the Jewish people of old went through, but I also believe in the messiah of the new testament, and I like to read the pope's opinion on things, even though I think no human is perfect or infallible. I want to talk about old writings with people and discuss what they mean, from my religion or others, and I don't want to give any of what's right for me spiritually up.

I don't know what this post is for.

Maybe I'm just venting, but I do want to know if this is a thing or if I'm the only one with this belief system. I'm sick of getting shit for the actions of people who I'm not affiliated with, so apparently calling myself messianic doesn't cut it. I can't call myself "spiritual but not religious" either, because I'm very religious, it's just very personal and not something I shove at people, and "christian" doesn't describe a solid half of what I believe. Off and on again I've considered converting to Catholicism, but I think that's kind of grasping at the closest thing that won't piss off tumblr anons as much. (And yeah, the larger Catholic church can suck, but I honestly think I'm gonna get that with any religion with a large following)

Rambling aside:

I want to find a short description that hits the major points of what I believe in order to help me find a place or group of worship that actually matches my spiritual needs without compromising the cultures that I grew up with and making me feel like shit.

(Also don't try to change my beliefs thanks)

I'll be tagging this with anything I've mentioned or vaguely heard of that might be related so relax ok

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wardencommanderrodimiss · 5 years

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More on the Japanifornia Defense Attorneys Nahyuta & Apollo AU, since this is the flavor of the day.

-There is one word that everyone would use to describe Nahyuta and that is “aloof”. He has 0 friends because first he figures, Dhurke’s gonna come back to get them soon, he doesn’t want to make friends only to leave them - as opposed to Apollo, who’s like “hey my parents were from here I might as well take the time to get to know people while we’re here.” And then, as time goes on, years pass and Dhurke doesn’t come back, Apollo starts aggressively pretending that they never had any life other than this one here in America, acting like it’s all fine, why would I be bitter or angry because there’s nothing to be bitter and angry about because there’s no one who ever promised us anything, while Nahyuta just becomes cold and bitter.

-Nahyuta is Kristoph’s favorite student for reasons of him generally being cool, composed, and emotionally unswayed by anything. Nahyuta has a small personal crisis when, after Turnabout Succession, he remembers this and all the times that Kristoph acknowledged his potential by saying the two of them were a lot alike.

-Phoenix does not know Apollo and Nahyuta are brothers for quite a while until sometime after Succession Apollo’s like “Hey Mr Wright, so after our boss being convicted of another murder my brother quit his job at the law firm he was working at and is having a crisis of faith and conscience so can we hire him on for a bit here until we can get his head back on straight” and Phoenix just goes oh god he has a brother THALASSA WE GOTTA TALK AGAIN.

Their fake documents that got them smuggled into the States have them as half-brothers - same mother, different fathers, to explain the last names, but also to give them some blood/legal relation to each other to hopefully keep them from being split up.

Apollo and Nahyuta are probably in the same grade in school, because while there’s a year in age between them, they were probably learning the same things in whatever makeshift way they got schooling while with the rebels. I mean, I guess a bunch of the rebels are lawyers, so there’s probably enough education between them to cobble together some teachings that Apollo and Nahyuta aren’t entirely in the dust when they’re flung into an organized school setting.

Their cover story is that the home they grew up in before entering the foster system was oh totally in America we’re definitely not here from a country on the other side of the world hiding from our evil aunt, but was an immigrant home where they were homeschooled mostly in their native language, hence....everything.

Nahyuta ends up accidentally kind of older-brothering Trucy because that’s just his natural instinct and he’s also uncertain of Phoenix’s parenting skills and Phoenix is like “I think one of my employees may be trying to steal my child?” and the answer is yes because Nahyuta doesn’t remember how to make friends so his two modes are “we are strangers” and “you are my younger sibling.”

Turnabout Reclaimed is fun when Pearl comes back to the office and Phoenix introduces her to Apollo and Nahyuta who weren’t at the aquarium. “Hello, my name is Pearl Fey. I’m a spirit medium.” and Nahyuta goes “ha ha h a what”

Apollo always kind of checked out whenever he was learning about Khura’inism because he was just never very religiously-inclined and he’s straight up forgotten the like, two times Dhurke mentioned that Nahyuta’s mother was the queen of Khura’in, so Apollo is like “hey Nahyuta why are you so weird about this” and Nahyuta’s like “you should know why I’m weird about this”

Which goes as well as you expect when they talk later. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE ROYALTY” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FORGOT THAT I’M ROYALTY”

For the serious stuff, Cosmic Turnabout is also an interesting crisis for Nahyuta. When Apollo takes his leave of absence from the agency, Nahyuta has to decide what to do, whether to choose his family over his ideals. He can follow Apollo, help him investigate, help him with whatever the hell he thinks he’s doing - or he can stay with the agency, with Athena who is his friend, and continue defending their client and doing the job a defense attorney is supposed to do.

Canonically when it came to it we know Nahyuta chose family over ideals, but it’s still a fun situation to put him in here, especially if Apollo doesn’t tell him what he saw with Athena’s tells. Nahyuta was friends with Clay, of course, wasn’t as close with him as Apollo was, and Apollo is his brother - but Apollo isn’t telling him what’s going on, and Nahyuta has to choose whether to follow his brother on faith that Apollo has reason to be doing what he is, or stay and continue working the case with Athena and let his grieving and volatile brother go off on his own.

Fun stuff.

Anyway, then there’s Magical Turnabout, and if you’re like “but Roddy who’s prosecuting if Nahyuta is a defense attorney” and the answer is “Klavier, duh” because I think it would be super fun to put Klavier in a situation where once again he’s the prosecution and there’s an accusation leveled against someone he knows and loves, except this time it’s not Apollo bringing the accusation, it’s Apollo defending the accused, and Klavier supposed to be at odds with him. Plus, then we also get Klavier and Retinz who may be familiar with each other in the world of Japanifornia celebrity, plus we get Klavier once again prosecuting a Gramarye, and the specter of the Gramaryes at large - his understandable resentment of the concept of the Troupe against Retinz’s petty overreacting grudge.....which might remind Klavier of someone else who hated the Gramaryes and committed murders for petty revenge on them.

Nahyuta gets to tell Retinz to go to hell in like 37 ways, and also has to reckon with the concept of, Retinz hates Trucy not for anything to do with her, but with her family, which is - Apollo and Nahyuta are here at all because they’d be in danger in their home not because of who they are, but their family.

More fun stuff!

Dhurke shows up like “Wow, you boys really never told anyone about your father?” and Nahyuta smacks him in the face with a string of prayer beads because his instinctive reaction now is not “Dad kept his promise” but “holy shit Dad’s ghost is here” and he’s gotta perform an immediate exorcism.

He’s not....wrong, exactly.

(Then Dhurke asks for their help and Nahyuta’s like “Of course we’ll help” and Apollo’s like “Excuse me you don’t speak for me Dhurke go to hell”)

#ace attorney bullshit tag #i like putting nahyuta into utterly ridiculous situations to watch him respond to it and making him work at the waa #and go thru the events of aa4 and aa5 is ABSOLUTELY a good way to get that

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niall-is-my-dream · 5 years

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Help!

So I've just received this weird message on wattpad, has anyone else had this?

More under cut

the first thing I want to say is that I am not the best person at all the person I’m about to talk about I cared about so so much but clearly she didn’t like I did even though I thought she did after all this stuff happend I said some stuff that I won’t repeat to her friend and I regret it but you have to understand what truly happend. Also btw this isn’t apart of it at all but if we are going to be ibfs I want to talk as much as possible. I’m truly hoping we can be ibfs and it can last for months BC I’ve had horrible experiences . By the way i wrote this so long ago but that girl is old news but now i did find someone new it lasted till January then she just started ignoring me. it’s all just so hard. Also we can talk more about this on Thursday. My mom just says sometimes like my heart is really big and I get attached to easily and it always bites me in the ass. anyways I’m gonna get to the story now and btw random fun facts about me my brother and sister have autisum I’m a triplet and I’m suppsed to be a senior rn but I got held back in kindergarten so I’m in 11th grade I’m now a senior but I’m homeschooled Rn ANYWAYS irrelevant. so I started messaging this girl and we figured out we were going to the same Niall show and we instantly became close. And I was so excited BC I recently had lost a ibf ... anyways . We ended up saying we were gonna be ibfs and I met her at the Niall show. I loved her even more in person. And we kept in contact . There’s more to the story but I’ll get to it anyways so we kept in contact meaning we lit talked everyday. When we had free time. I thought she was the coolest I was so happy BC she loved Niall just as much as me which is not healthy. Anyways shdhdhhf. Like I was gonna send her a gift and evreything . And we would talk on the phone late nights too. Like talk about all this personal shit there wasn’t anything we wouldn’t say to eachother. Long story short we were doing this one thing which I will explain inin the next Paragrah . But . We would fight sometimes but I think it’s BC we were so comfty around eachother and she’s blocked me. before - but we talked it out and I thought she would never ever again. But u have to understand I got so attached to her and I love twitter and my irl friends but she was special but weeks ago she blocked me for the last time lit right after we made up and she blocked me BC we were arguing how tall Niall was- Now to the important part I mean it was all important but :( I said there was this one thing we did and I’m gonna explain it to u Rn and after I explain it all I just want you to :( ... like I’ve tried this with a few ppl and it always goes well but the ppl end up like hurting me or som or som goes wrong so it dosent work . But I want you to at least try :( I promise if u don’t like it we don’t have to but if u love Niall I really think that u will :( IK I sound crazy but all this stuff is really important to me . So I thank you for reading this. I really just want you to try and I think you really will like it if u love Niall So basically what it is is like ugh I just pray you say yes . And we would only do it when you are free and I am free trust me it’s not all the time and we would do it in the iG dms x anyways so like it’s not that complicated so like its basically like we would act out concepts with Niall but like realistic ones. And we can come up with them together, after we build the characters foundations. Like it’s kinda about like if Niall had a gf what would it be like . Now the girl in it I’ll tell u her name we just use her as the gf but like IK this girl and she’s so pretty and she loves Niall and I’m a visual person so like when I act this stuff out I like to imagine what the girl would look like. And I have a few pics of her and I wanted to send some to u and u can be 100000% honest if u think she’s nialls type and then follow her on iG a few other Niall stans follow her so it’s not weird. But ya we just use her for her looks but I would act out the personality in the Rp I Gusse I could go ahead and say it her name is well we can pick.... but that’s not her name irl and then you would play Niall :) and u know just try to act like him as much as possible it takes a bit to get used to but IK u can do it BC IK u love him. And u can’t even do a bad job even if u do I don’t care the fact that u are trying is all that matters. AND we would only do this when we’re both free idk if I said that already. Even if are free time is limited. And I swear im not a weirdo I just it’s hard to explain I just want all this to work out I just I’ve been let down so many times and I’m sick of it. And then also some of them have a little bit of sexual stuff in there but like we would never ever cross the line of having full on sex unless in months time u become comfortable . And when I did it with her for those parts she always told me if she was uncomftable and I respect that and never ever go to hard. That’s pretty much all I had to say but like IK I sound crazy . If u say yes which I pray to god u will I can talk more about it and we can start like soon. U seem amazing. Sorry FOR THE TYPOS :( IK it sounds confusing as hell but love can u just try if u love him I swear you will love this and we won’t do it all the time only when we both are free even if it’s not a lot.. and I’ve also been searching for so so long to find the right person ,, and I think u are. Also when I say Rp it’s more of like cute lovey concepts it’s not like sexual scary crap sgsfsgfgg and I promise we can make it fun and only do it when we are free even if that’s not a lot . X I reread this bc I wrote it so long ago I hate that I’m repeating myself.... a lot lol. But ya if u say yes we can discuss everything.

This message was weird right?!

This was my reply:

Yeah this is making me really uncomfortable. I'm not sure on what world you think it's acceptable to message someone with a crazy idea like this but you should know it's not ok. I'm not surprised people have blocked you. You sound like you need to get offline and go outside and into the real world. I like Niall a normal amount, I am a regular fan who enjoys writing. You are too young to be getting lost in the world of the internet. I'm in my 30s and married and have kids, the whole idea of pretending to be a girl and Niall messaging is weird and creepy. I suggest you speak to someone, an adult, a teacher, a parent and get some support.

Was I too harsh?

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tinymixtapes · 6 years

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Interview: Seth Graham

The music published by Orange Milk, an underground behemoth of experimental music and cassette culture co-founded by Seth Graham and Keith Rankin (a.k.a. Giant Claw), feels like multiple authors contributing their stories to one sprawling space opera. The label has been lauded by a wide spectrum of listeners and critics, and is instantly recognized through a delightful, kaleidoscopic approach to color, sound, and aesthetic identity. Themes and approaches in the collective Orange Milk output seem impossible to define coherently. There are oozing, primordial cultures of bacterial sound, moments of pure, demented bliss; Seth Graham’s own music, especially on his latest album Gasp, refines these abstract elements while rocketing them farther into space. It is intrepid music that deliberately hovers on the edge of order, a space that the composer challenges himself to explore. We caught up with Seth Graham over the phone to talk about Herbie Hancock, the various MIDI instruments he chose to explore on Gasp, and the experiences in his life that brought the album to bear. The album is available to pre-order here (LP) and here (CD), but you can also listen to the full release below before its March 23 release. --- Gasp contains a wide variety of sounds, but it’s very focused too. Some of them appear multiple times, like the woodwind, the voices. Did you have a clear idea of what instruments you wanted to appear, and when? I definitely had a very specific idea… like that composer Gerard Grisey, he has pieces where he records the cello super close to the mic. You can almost hear the rustling, and it’s high-res. It almost sounds like, I don’t wanna say explosion, but it’s a bigger, weirder experience. With classical, when they record it, you hear that typical Tchaikovsky crap; it almost sounds generic. Grisey changed it and put it in your face, and I love that so much. So what I did with the record is any of the instruments that had a really close mic sample [in the VST], I kind of only used those because I liked how they sounded, and I liked how much you could manipulate it. Like for example in the track “Kimochi,” which just means emotion in Japanese, that track starts off with this voice that says one syllable, and that goes into almost sheer metal grinding, and that’s actually just a shit-ton of manipulation of different acoustic instruments with a certain synth. I love to do that and contrast it with that close-mic’d sound. With the flute, you can hear the wind of the person playing. I was obsessed with that. It ended up being a lot of flute, clarinet, cello, and that was kind of it. I think I used some trombone — there’s certain things you can do with the VST where you can hear the whole sample play out, and you can hear the clicking, and I would use that too, people clicking the wind instruments. I was thinking I should just hire people and record it my fucking self. That was something I wanted to ask you about — whether you had plans — or already did — record live instruments and manipulate that? I actually sort of did that already. A record is supposed to come out; it’s pieces from Gasp and a couple of unreleased pieces that this ensemble in Russia asked me to write for a tribute to Philip Glass that they were doing. They asked me and Sean McCann and Sarah Davachi, and I was really honest, like, I’ve never written a classical piece before, I just write MIDI data and mess with it. I just kind of read up on how to write for an ensemble, looked up the instruments they use, re-wrote it all in MIDI. I basically converted that to notation and sent four pieces to them that are pieces from Gasp, but real people. And they did it! They played it at the Museum of Multimedia and Arts in Moscow, and then they played it in a studio, and they were supposed to send us the stems for us to mix and Sean to put out on his label, Recital… and I don’t know, I’m waiting for it. It should be here. But to answer your question, I’ve been trying to think of ways for a new record where I hire people and I write out pieces, and they play it-slash-sing it, because I want really weird things to happen that I can’t make software do. I go to school with someone who’s a trained opera singer, and I want to pay her to sing what I have all notated, her to sing in this key, but then go “Bleahghghg.” I would love to hear that happen, a magnificent operatic voice just shit the bed. That would be awesome. I’ve been trying to think of ways for a new record where I hire people and I write out pieces, and they play it-slash-sing it, because I want really weird things to happen that I can’t make software do. I go to school with someone who’s a trained opera singer, and I want to pay her to sing what I have all notated, her to sing in this key, but then go “Bleahghghg.” Your use of “real instruments” stands apart from other kind of abstract electronic music, like PC Music, where they’re deliberately trying to sound as synthetic as they can. I’m really influenced by a lot of the modern computer music, like Halcyon Veil, or Jesse Osborne-Lanthier, or Rabit, or Chino Amobi… I like all that stuff, but I have a weird aversion to reverb. I feel like reverb makes things cloudy, and in the listening experience, it kind of masks nothing. It could be an art in itself, but I really tried to stay away from it but still be influenced by their aesthetic. That’s interesting you mention that, because Gasp contains lots of open, bare spaces, which really struck me when I heard it. Yeah, and I interpret that as straight-up vulnerability. Just let myself be vulnerable. Vulnerability is such a strength that I admire in people, people who can just admit things and let it be. There’s not even close to enough of that in our world. Even myself I don’t let myself be vulnerable enough, but I think it’s such a beautiful thing, and if the music is kind of awkward and there’s that space, I think it conveys vulnerability. It conveys a sense of drama, too. It does, doesn’t it? I am dramatic, I guess. Ha! Going back to that idea of fate you mentioned earlier, I’m curious as to what the events were that would construct that fate. Like what events took place in your life to form your influences? Well, I had a really crazy life. I grew up in Japan; my parents were missionaries. I went there when I was six, my mom got really sick — I don’t know why to this day, my parents are, uh, really weird. I was kind of shoved into a public school at six; my dad was studying Japanese at a language school. The language school was across the street from a tennis court. The city is Kadiza, in Nagano-ken — it’s kind of considered the Aspen of Japan — is very ritzy and beautiful. And one day I’m at the language school waiting for my dad, and I was just starting to learn Japanese. I was immersed in it because nobody spoke English, and I couldn’t understand anything. And literally, one day I understood everything everyone was saying. It was about seven months in and it was so surreal. I remember thinking “What is my life? This is not normal…” And I knew it, but I didn’t even know how to think of it as a six-, seven-year-old. I’m sitting there, and I’m watching all these people playing tennis, and there are cameras there, but I’m just watching with my face against the fence. Someone comes up to me and says, “That’s the emperor of Japan.” I always remembered that. There was a lot of shit that happened there. I started to be a teenager in Japan, and we moved back when I was 15… So you spent your formative years there? Yeah, my formative years were spent in Japan. I started skateboarding in Japan, became a really avid skateboarder, and we even were responsible for finding a really famous skate spot. We came back to the US when I was 15. I was really into Japanese punk-rock; I remember the day Kurt Cobain died — I was really into Nirvana. The real formative thing was when I came back to the US. My parents were really conservative… like I can’t overstate it enough. So I came back from Japan, skateboarding, and punk rock, to rural Ohio, where everyone played football. My parents didn’t want me to go to school because they thought I would become a corrupt atheist, so I didn’t. I was homeschooled and worked at a movie theater from 15 to 18, and I would pretend to do my homework and finish by 11, and then go work the matinee shift with this old woman named Phyllis. The reason I tell you all this is that the shock of cultural difference put my brain into a spin. Everything became very existential to me at a very young age. I was like, “Nothing means anything.” I realized in 6th grade that the Japanese didn’t like America — I went to Hiroshima on a field trip and they were all like, fuck America — but all my life I had heard about how great America was, so you start to see the dissonance at a young age. Which is true? So when I was really young I started to throw it all out the window, like all of it was a joke to me, but not as a rebellious teenager, it was a true existential crisis to me. I started to notice the deep contrast in everything, and I started to notice all the little things instead of the big things. That changed how I perceived everything, I think. And I think that’s what helps me be creative, if I am even creative. That was the most colossal thing, that upbringing and those events. Goop by Seth Graham You and [ex-TMT contributor] Keith Rankin knew each other in Ohio when you both started Orange Milk around 2010. Could you explain the environment you were in and your ideas of what the label was going to be like? People want like a glorious answer when they ask that, but there isn’t one. It was honestly Keith and I were making music ourselves, and we both kept getting rejected by labels… Probably for good reasons. We were like, “Aw, fuck that, let’s start our own label to release our own stuff.” It was kind of a hybrid between there being certain artists who were only on tape who we thought should come out on LP. One of them was an album called Crowded Out Memory by this band called Caboladies. This band Talkies. That was kind of the Robert Beatty crew, like Eric Lampan and Christopher Bush; they had this band that were kind of spastic, fun electronica. We loved it, and that album in particular came on a really limited CD-R, and we were like, “That should be on LP!” It was like when all that rage with Emeralds was happening in our little pocket scene. And not that it was a competition, but we thought Caboladies was far more interesting, and we wanted to bolster it for that reason. We were just like… I don’t want to hear synth drone. We would send each other clips by a really wide variety of artists. We were imaging things we wanted to hear together, in some weird way. Like the Herbie Hancock Raindance record. All kinds of little clips, like, “This album, but only these parts.” We did have a very conscious conversation to decide where we wanted to go, and then we just started digging it up. We just started searching for things that we liked on SoundCloud. Would you consider that your contribution to music or to your pocket of the music world? Is establishing that family your driving force? I think Keith and I really wanted to be in the music world, and we kind of constantly got rejected a lot. We wanted to find our own. And we were, I wouldn’t say critical, but we were really into this idea of experimental music being really joyous and really accessible. Like folk music or something. And we really consciously saw it that way. We would sit down and listen to Herbie Hancock — I think I’ve mentioned him a few times, but we’re obsessed — and we would listen to his records and say, “This part is pure joy, but it sounds insane.” We want to make that, and we want to hear that, and have a label go full-tilt on making that. It’s one of my favorite things about Hancock. His music is chill and inviting and so weird at times. I just love that. It feels like you can let go — it can be contemplative, it can be deep, it can be all that Tiny Mix Tapes stuff, or it can just be pure fun! I think we both find it really refreshing. And we like releasing our own stuff because it just gives us control and makes it less bureaucratic or political. It’s less about hustling. I don’t have to worry about being judged. That freedom is nice as an artist. You’ve mentioned joy a few times as an important theme in your music… I feel joy a lot, so I was just trying to convey that as much as I could. Vulnerability is such a strength that I admire in people, people who can just admit things and let it be. There’s not even close to enough of that in our world. Even myself I don’t let myself be vulnerable enough, but I think it’s such a beautiful thing, and if the music is kind of awkward and there’s that space, I think it conveys vulnerability. What about the process of making music? Does that bring joy? Your music sounds very playful, so I’m wondering to what degree your process involves discovery or “play,” in the kind of childlike way of working things out? Ha! Making the music is torture. I feel like Keith and I have high standards with each other. If I make a track and send it to him, he’s going to kind of rip it apart. It’s kind of like a professor reviewing your work. We both treat it as a helpful device, we’re not trying to shit on each other, we both really love each other so there’s that trust. It’s a rare thing. But in that sense, my record felt like a master’s thesis. It was so much work, and so much time, and agony. But I still love doing it. To answer your question, I was trying to be super-direct — this is how I feel, a lot of the time. It’s kind of funny, joyous, kind of awkward at times. I wanted those elements to be in there, and I have this kind of aversion to authority. I associate it with pretension. I’m not saying it’s objective, but pretension and authority to me are the same thing. It’s about controlling you, or controlling how you will experience something. And if you let that go, you can make with it what you will, know what I mean? That might sound like pretentious nonsense, I don’t know. Was the record heavily composed our conceptually wrought before you began to work on it? It was a mixture of everything. After talking to people who are actually trained classically, I get the vibe that everybody has a similar method. Some things are conceptually thought out, like I want this sound or that sound, and then you build a structure to execute that sound. I would write MIDI parts that were like, a cello pizzicato, and I would write it until I really liked it, and then let it sit. And I would play with Serum [VST], and be like, I like this sound that sounds like metal is coming out of my eyeball, how can I fixate on this thing? It’s almost like assembling a painting — I like this shape, this color, and then you just edit it and fit it in. OK, now I’m going to add clarinet, like right here. You mess with that sequence forever. That’s what I did, but with Gasp, I tried to take it as far as I could. In that once I had a structure I really liked, I would hate the song. Even though I liked all the parts, I would then edit it down — like how fucked up could I make this? — until it feels barely cohesive. So did this process yield tons of material? How did you decide what would make the final cut? At one point when I was making it, I got so tired that I just wanted to put it up on Bandcamp and never think about it again. I basically revised like 70% of it, and that was like a year in. But I just knew it wasn’t done. So you just keep going with the record. There were moments when I was just completely improvising. I would take Push 2 [the Ableton Live controller/sequencer], just randomly play it, hit things, turn things. I don’t come up with much that way, but every once in a while when I get really frustrated, I’ll just improvise and see what happens. It usually yields like three hours of dicking around. But I always end up in what seems like a final crescendo, where I think back through so many times, you have to do, over and over, tedious. Sometimes you have to delete everything, and you go over it again and half of it is good. And once you’re 80% done, you can’t stand the other 20%, but you’re so sick and tired of it, it’s torture. That’s what it felt like. But I love it, and now I’m all ready to do another one. It’s kind of all I can think about. http://j.mp/2u69i63

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340: My Son Talks Entrepreneurship, Homeschooling, Sustainability, and His Cookbook Chef Junior

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340: My Son Talks Entrepreneurship, Homeschooling, Sustainability, and His Cookbook Chef Junior

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

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This episode is brought to you by Wellnesse. That’s Wellnesse with an E on the end, which is my new personal care company that is dedicated to making safe and effective products from my family to your family. We started with toothpaste and hair care because these are the biggest offenders in most bathrooms, and we’re coming after the other personal care products as well. Did you know for instance that most shampoo contains harsh detergents that strip out the natural oils from the hair and leave it harder to manage over time and more dependent on extra products? We took a different approach, creating a nourishing hair food that gives your hair what it actually needs and doesn’t take away from its natural strength and beauty. In fact, it’s specifically designed to support your hair’s natural texture, natural color, and is safe for color-treated hair as well. Our shampoos contain herbs like nettle, which helps strengthen hair and reduce hair fall, leaving your hair and scalp healthier over time, and scented only with natural essential oils in a very delicate scent so that you don’t have to worry about the fragrance as well. Over time, your hair gets back to its stronger, healthier, shinier state without the need for parabens or silicone or SLS. You can check it out along with our whitening toothpaste and our full hair care bundles at wellnesse.com, that’s wellnesse.com. An insider tip, grab an essentials bundle or try auto-ship and you will lock in a discount.

Katie: Hello and welcome to the “Wellness Mama Podcast.” I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com and wellnesse.com, which is our new line of completely natural and highly effective personal care product like shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste and now hand sanitizer. Today’s episode of the podcast is a really special one for me because I’m here with a new guest, my oldest son, Anthony, to talk about a project he has been working really hard on the last couple of years, which is a cookbook by kids and for kids. And it’s called “Chef Junior” and it is available anywhere books are sold and it’s scheduled to release on May 19th. In this episode, we talk about his cookbook and answer many of the questions that you guys submitted about what life is like at our house, what I’m actually like as a mom, and our family culture and much more. Anthony did not know the questions ahead of time – he just wanted to get the questions as we went. So these answers are completely unscripted and truthful, and a few of them even surprised me.

Also, before we jump in, I feel it’s important to mention that this is the first time that one of my kids has been public facing on Wellness Mama or visible on the platform. I’ve written before about how I don’t post pictures of my kids on social media, even on my personal accounts. Because I don’t feel it’s my right to do that and I want to respect their privacy and let any online interaction be their decision. Because I got to have a childhood without social media and without being visible online and I wanted to give them the same respected if they wanted. And I don’t say this to judge anyone else who has made a different decision on the matter, it’s just what we’ve chosen for our family and I’ve written about this in the past. So I feel it is important to talk about.

But as my kids get older, I did want it to be their decision of when, how, or if they would engage with the online world and social media. And so now he is a teenager and we feel Anthony should get to make this decision on his own and he’s seen first hand from me being online in this setting the good and the bad parts of social media and the internet. And we talk to him about the risks and the pros and cons and so now my husband and I are supporting him now and having a more public facing presence through his cookbook and his own upcoming podcast. And I just wanted to explain that because I have been very private about my children in the past – you’ve never seen their faces before until now with Anthony. Again, not saying that our decisions is the right one for any other family, but I felt the need to clarify this since I’ve never really shared my kids in a personal way before on the platform and this is the first time and explain why I am comfortable with it now. So, without further ado, I can’t wait to introduce you to and have you enjoy the interview with my son, Anthony.

Anthony, welcome. Thanks for coming on the podcast.

Anthony: Hi.

Katie: This is kind of fun. We haven’t gotten to record a podcast together yet and I know people have a lot of questions about what life is like at our house, and I know that you’ll give probably very brutally truthful answers to that, so it’s gonna be fun for me to hear, too.

Anthony: Yeah, definitely.

Katie: First, let’s talk about “Chef Junior,” which is your cookbook. Tell us the story about the reason that you guys decided to write this book.

Anthony: Well, we do a mastermind, over the years we’ve done a couple in different places. And I remember a few years back, probably four years ago, we were making a bunch of recipes for kids, like chocolate pancakes or coffee pancakes, I don’t remember. It was really crazy but yeah, that really inspired us that it would be really cool to make our own recipes and stuff.

Katie: Yeah. And for people who aren’t familiar, we can explain. So, a mastermind is kind of a thing where you got a group of people together to talk about similar ideas. And this particular one was a family mastermind because your dad and I had been to a mastermind before that that was adults only and I had…I think it was Gigi as a baby or other one of our daughters. And she was teeny tiny and I had her just nursing the whole time. And they told me at the mastermind that she was a distraction even though she wasn’t making any noise. And they told me I couldn’t be in there with her. And it just made me sad that like I had to basically obviously choose to take care of my baby and couldn’t go to mastermind. So, dad and I thought, “What if we could do this but instead of having to go away from our families, what if we could bring the families with us,” because we really think it’s important with business that kids are involved and that you guys learn that and understand that early. So, when you say like we’ve traveled a lot and it was fun, we had this group of, what was it, five families I think?

Anthony: I think it was seven.

Katie: Seven in the beginning, yeah, and five by the end that travel together to multiple countries. We went to Costa Rica and Canada with them, and several places all over the U.S. And while the adults got together and worked on business stuff, you guys kind of created your own sort of mastermind of sorts as well, didn’t you?

Anthony: Yeah. It’s really fun to get to talk to kids with a lot of the same lifestyle and stuff as me.

Katie: Yeah. I feel like probably a lot of things that we do are a little bit weird by normal standards but in the mastermind, we were all kind of on the same page on a lot of that stuff. On the very first one, you guys did something also really cool which is you kinda built your own civilization in the woods. Talk about that.

Anthony: Yeah. So, we called it Terabithia which, at the time, I know there’s a book called “Bridge to Terabithia,” but we didn’t actually name it after that. We just came up with it so that was kind of cool. And, yeah, we would build forts and stuff all day and we had like our currency and stuff. It was a lot of fun.

Katie: Yeah. We didn’t even see you guys because you were playing outside all day. And when we walked outside I think after the first couple of days, we found you guys literally carried tree trunks and built huge teepees, and you each had your own house, and you had elected officers, and you have a whole governing system, and like everybody was working together. You had made, I think, bricks out of mud. It was really impressive, all the things. What inspired that? You guys just thought about it on your own?

Anthony: Yeah. I mean we didn’t have much other to do, like I don’t think there were TV or any of that so we thought it would just be really fun to do something outside.

Katie: It was fun. There were probably, what, 16 of you kids?

Anthony: Twenty-four, I think.

Katie: Twenty-four, yeah. All the way ages from like our youngest being a baby at that one up to you and that are authors of the cookbook that are kind of on the older end, right?

Anthony: Yeah. I think 12 or 13 at that point.

Katie: That’s right. So, I think if I’m remembering right, the idea for the cookbook specifically came when we were at the one in Colorado?

Anthony: Yeah.

Katie: And we had people, a couple of people that would come with us, your aunt was one of them, that would help with the food and also kinda keep an eye on the little kids while the adults worked. But that was overwhelming for 1 person certainly to cook for 30 plus people. So, you guys ended up helping quite a bit, and then I think by the end of that one you guys had actually kind of taken over the food. And the 5 of the older ones were cooking for over 30 people which was really impressive.

Anthony: Yeah. We were cooking, I think the older ones were, and then the younger ones were waitresses and waiters, which was really fun.

Katie: That was fun, that was really…I think we all have probably really good memories of that. And you guys had a kids party, I think, in that, didn’t you, that was themed murder-mystery type party and the adults had one, too?

Anthony: I think so.

Katie: Yeah. Because the other part of this idea was that we would all rent a house together, so we were all under one roof which got a little chaotic, I think, a few times. But this particular house was really cool because it was almost like a 1950s murder-mystery type house, like very…like what you would see in “Clue.” And also it had a cool game room that had some games from Michael Jackson’s house and just all kinds of stuff. And you guys, again, built some version of Terabithia there, too, didn’t you?

Anthony: We did. Not as…I believe one of the families were missing, one or two, so there were five or six families. So, I think we just built like a pretty large teepee basically and that was it for that one, but it was certainly fun.

Katie: Got it. We were all impressed with the idea that you guys had cooked all the food. I will say one resource that really helped with that because I was usually planning the food for this kind of big things, and how do we feed 30 people 3 times a day, cooking from scratch without ordering food. And so, for anybody listening, I use Real Plans which you know well who’s Tony, the founders of Real Plans. But that tool is great because it’s an app and you can set the serving size. You can find all of your recipes and then just say, “I’m cooking for 32 people,” and adjust your shopping list for all of it. So, we had all these ingredients on hand and you guys took that and ran with it. And then it was there that the idea of a cookbook was born because you said like…I think you guys kind of realized a lot of people you knew your age didn’t know how to cook, and you guys were there cooking for big groups already. Why do you think it’s important for kids to know how to cook?

Anthony: Well, I mean, in the modern day world, I think it just…because we rely so heavily on takeout and restaurants and things like that, and if you learn how to cook, you get to know the food better and it’s much more healthy for you most of the times. And I just feel like you feel much more connected.

Katie: Great. And you definitely delve into this even beyond just writing the book. You have been in the kitchen quite a bit recently, and running kinds of new mediums even…you got sourdough recently which is new. I think in a lot of ways you’re better at cooking than I am, especially baking because you’re much more precise. But what did you learn in researching and writing the book? Was there anything that surprised you?

Anthony: Well, finding a lot of the recipes was kind of fun to do, I thought, because I could look at like not only what I eat a lot but also ones that I thought would be really quirky and fun to do. I don’t think there were too many things that surprised me but, yeah.

Katie: And it seems like from watching you, that kind of sparked an excitement in you about cooking and also about learning about kind of principles of cooking and food. And I know you’ve also now read “Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat,” and we’ve watched some of that series together. And you’ve cooked some of the recipes from that. Talk about some of your favorite cooking experiments.

Anthony: Yeah. I like that book a lot because it doesn’t emphasize so much on following recipes exactly but on using your senses to taste it and like smell and feel it. And because not everything is gonna be perfect, so I think it’s a lot better and that helps, it inspired me to do a lot more like experimental cooking.

Katie: Got it. I’ve got some benefit from that when you’ve done…I think you did duck fat tortillas that were really, really good. You’ve done pasta from scratch. You’ve done all kinds of cool stuff from getting inspired by her. And another fun thing that’s developed because of this is kids cooking, right, at our house. And I know this is on pause right now with quarantine but this is something that you created in our neighborhood with your friends. So, talk about what was the inspiration for that, and how many kids helped, and some of the things you guys cooked?

Anthony: Yeah, I remember. So, it started, I think, probably six months ago. We were making pizza and just a lot of the neighbors were around. So, we were like, “Hey, do you guys wanna help make pizza?” And then it was sourdough pizza. And that was really fun because it has a bunch of different jobs. And then, eventually, we did pizza for probably two months straight and then eventually we decided, “Hey, what if we do different recipes?” And so, what we do is we let everyone that does it, vote and then on…and we have like four different recipes a week. And there are specifically ones that we picked that have a lot of jobs so it’s really fun for everyone.

Katie: You created the sourdough entirely on your own, like you took care of it and made all kinds of recipes with that. And how many kids would you say were cooking by the time…because some of these cooking nights got pretty big?

Anthony: Yeah. I think at one point we had maybe 14, 16 kids like in and out. Some of them…I don’t think they were all there at once but throughout the night…or, yeah, about 16.

Katie: Yeah. You kinda had that up having younger ones even…you had people slicing tomatoes and making like sauces for different things and all kinds of stuff, grating cheese, even the little ones. What were…you probably had the four-year-olds there a couple of times.

Anthony: We did, yeah. They were good at grating cheese and doing little things like that, using a butter knife to cut up vegetables and stuff like that.

Katie: Yeah. I feel like young kids especially don’t often usually maybe get the opportunity to cook or they get to where they kinda make a sandwich or something simple. But definitely our experience and it seems like with you and your cooking nights too is that even young kids can actually be pretty helpful in the kitchen.

Anthony: Yeah. I think that little kids, they really…people don’t think they can do a lot of things when in the kitchen they really can because they can help with simple tasks which really help with the big picture.

Katie: Absolutely. And also like having them help clean as you go and keep organization, you guys had a whole system ready for that. And I think also it’s really important to emphasize, so you’re 13 and not only can you cook entire meals from scratch on your own with planning, but you can organize 16 kids to do that. I think a lot of people don’t even maybe at 13 think their kids are capable of that. But and you’ve even…like you’ve meal planned for our family before and you’ve…I mean, you cooked all kinds of meals. What had been some of your favorite meals you cooked for the family from scratch?

Anthony: So, there’s this Canadian dish called poutine. So, from one of masterminds we were talking about earlier, we went to Canada for one and it’s a Canadian dish. It’s just homemade fries, gravy, and then cheese, and I just love it. It’s super fun to make.

Katie: Nice. What have been some of your favorite mastermind memories?

Anthony: Oh, I don’t know, there’s so many good ones that I think it would take hours to tell all of them, but essentially building like the Terabithias. They’ve all been good throughout. Like we’ve had six, I think, masterminds and we’ve done it for all of those and that was really fun. And cooking at the mastermind, just hanging out, it’s really fun.

Katie: I think was it the Michigan one that we looked out the window, and all of you older boys were running around in the snow, jumping in the hot tub?

Anthony: Oh, yeah. We were running around in the snow in our swim suits and then just hopping in the hot tub. That was a lot of fun. It was hard to convince my friends to do it but I loved it.

Katie: Nice. Circle back on the mastermind, so it’s the five of you guys who wrote this cookbook, or basically five kids from five of the different families at the mastermind. And some of your best friends have come from the mastermind too, haven’t they?

Anthony: Yeah. My best friend, so Paul, he was writing the cookbook and then Abby, she did it, her younger brother, Caden, we’re really good friends.

Katie: Got it. And the other thing about this cookbook that I feel like it’s important for people to know is that you guys really did this on your own. It wasn’t like the parents were helping you that much or made you do it. We all run our businesses and have a lot of kids, and so you guys really took the initiative and did this on your own. What was the hardest part of that? Like were there ever organizational issues or logistical issues that made it hard?

Anthony: I mean, I think giving the book, like the publisher to actually do it was hard for a while because that took forever, so it was kind of like, “Oh, is this ever gonna happen?” And all of us, I think, kinda wanted to be in charge which was kind of a problem considering we’re all the oldest so we are all very stubborn. So, I think that was definitely a very challenging part.

Katie: Do you feel like you learned some lessons about navigating relationships and working with people even if you have some of those kind of dynamics through it?

Anthony: Yeah, I think I do. I think it helped to learn that you have to be more accepting and just understand like what point of view someone else is coming from on something.

Katie: Yeah. Now you guys have created this cookbook that’s about to be released. What are some of your favorite recipes from the book?

Anthony: I love Paul’s pizza recipe in there. My favorite recipe that I made myself is the sweet potato fries and the steak in there. I’ve not yet tried it, it’s by Will, I think, but it looks every good and I think I’m gonna try that sometime really soon.

Katie: And the beauty of these recipes, because you’ve cooked a few in our house and there’s definitely a lot more we need to cook from some of the other authors, but you guys talked through the concepts and kind of explained why…like the kitchen basics as well and how to source food. And these recipes are really like amazing recipes that adults would be proud to cook but you simplify them so kids can learn. And then you rate them from like easy or beginner, intermediate, and advanced, right? So, kids, as they kind of go through the process, can tell which recipes to start with.

Anthony: Yeah. So, it’s not really by age so much, it’s, yeah, definitely by skill level. We do try to do it to where you can kind of pick based on your skill level what you wanna cook and then like what meal, if you wanna do a smoothie or breakfast, lunch, all of that. So, I think it’s gonna be really helpful for kids.

Katie: And these are not just like peanut butter jelly sandwich or like, you know, chicken tenders or just kid food recipes. You guys have some really good, like I said, kind of adult recipes that kids also love so this is really fun. And as a parent, I will say it’s really awesome having a kid who understands this and is willing to cook because you definitely make my life easier a lot of times by cooking meals or taking over dinner and so I really appreciate that.

Now, let’s also talk about life a little bit. We can circle back to cooking. Quite a few people wanted me to ask you what life is like at our house and what I’m like as a mom. And you can be completely truthful about this. So, yeah, just tell a little bit about what life is like?

Anthony: Yeah. I think it can be really hectic having five siblings. I think it’s good, it’s kind of crazy a lot of times and you have to learn how to get along with everyone and that’s definitely very challenging. But overall, it’s really fun to have a bunch of best friends in the house.

Katie: Yeah. I mean, you definitely are the leader of the pack with your siblings and also somewhat in our neighborhood where there are…how many kids are in the neighborhood?

Anthony: I think we have between 20 or 30, depending on if you count teenagers or what your age limit is.

Katie: So, that’s kind of gotten not quite as fun right now with quarantine but before that, there’s packs of kids that like you’ve talked about you’ve had cooking nights with and all that. But just as life as the oldest of six kids, what would you say are maybe a hard part about that or an easy part about that?

Anthony: I mean, I think the hard part is definitely that like my siblings, they don’t always listen to me and that’s a little challenging. And sometimes I feel ganged up on because I’m the oldest, and they all kinda think I’m the enemy sometimes. But I mean, that’s pretty rare but it does happen some and I think that’s definitely very challenging. And an easy part, being the oldest, I definitely get more privileges but I also have much more responsibility so I think that’s a privilege.

Katie: Yeah, that’s a great point. And I know we’ve talked about in our family, you probably heard me say before too like there’s that quote that, “With great power comes great responsibility,” and we kinda turned that around and say, “Actually, with great responsibility comes great power.” And so, when you show us that you’re responsible, you get much more freedom and power, and you’ve definitely done a good job of that and of being an example of that to your siblings as well. And one thing I’ve always tried to encourage as a mom is for you to pursue things that interest you. And you can definitely tell the listeners better than I can if I’ve done a good job of that or not but I’d love to talk through a few of the projects that you’ve tried if you’re willing.

Anthony: Yeah. I have a couple of different ones that I’m doing. So, for one, I’m a beekeeper with my grandpa just down the street, and that’s really fun to get because I love insects and we get our own honey every year. So, I think that definitely ties into sustainability, too, which I’m very passionate about, so that’s one. Another is I have a mealworm/superworm project and that is both for digesting plastic. You can find videos and articles about it on the internet, and another is I eat them because I think they actually taste very good and they’re quite useful in cooking.

Katie: Yeah. So, let’s talk a little bit more about those because this has, I think, come up in passing many times on this podcast, and certainly I’ve mentioned it in passing a few times to people and they’ve been like, “What now?” So, when you say this, what you eat, right now there’s, what, a few thousand worms living in your closet in our house?

Anthony: Yeah.

Katie: Yeah. And there’s been some funny moments because the worms themselves are actually the larval stage of…

Anthony: A darkling beetle.

Katie: Okay, darkling beetle. And a couple of times some of these beetles have gotten out. And there had been funny moments, I think, with your sisters screaming in the shower when they found one. I think, is that what happened?

Anthony: Yeah. I think there was one where there was a beetle on the curtain in the shower, and then there was like a mealworm or superworm, I don’t remember which, on like the towel rack and that got some good screams.

Katie: So, explain what you mean by that they might be able to help digest plastic.

Anthony: So, there’s a study in 2015 done by researchers after a…there were superworms shipped…or mealworms, sorry, shipped in Styrofoam. And by the time they got shipped all the way to the house, they had eaten through the plastic so that…and this was a researcher so he decided to research it, and then they did a study and found that they can actually digest quite a bit of it within a pretty short amount of time.

Katie: What happens after they digest? Do we know yet? What is it breaking down into or do you know?

Anthony: It’s mostly just broken down into carbon and then there’s…you can even feed them to other animals because they break it down completely and just turn it into carbon, and all the BPAs are turned into their primary elements.

Katie: So, the exciting part of this one is like at scale to potentially dissolve some of the plastic problems, like Styrofoam which you can’t recycle. But if the worms can digest them to just carbon without the BPA, that would be potentially a safe way to neutralize it?

Anthony: Yeah. And this could even be very helpful. As we know that soil deterioration, that’s a very big thing and this is actually very good fertilizer from plastic which I think is really amazing. If we could do this on scale, we could get…I did the math. For mealworms, 40 mealworms, if you can keep those up for one year, they will eat a pound of plastic. So, if you have 40 million mealworms, you’re getting rid of a million pounds of plastic in one year and that would be very scalable. And I think it could also be a very big thing in poor countries to where we could use that and they could use it to feed their livestock and create money for themselves.

Katie: That would be amazing. And so, it’s just the worm, like the larval phase that can eat the plastic, right?

Anthony: Yes. I’m fairly sure what the researchers just come to a conclusion to but I don’t know if they’ve completely tested it. So, I think they have a problem eating it, like I think, in theory, their digestive system could if they were…could eat it. But I don’t think their mandibles are big enough to actually get on to the Styrofoam.

Katie: Okay. Do they know the worms are still safe to eat?

Anthony: Yes. They have a 24-hour period and then everything has been digested and turned into carbon and they’re completely safe up to that point.

Katie: Wow. And how long does the larval phase last?

Anthony: On mealworms, it lasts about three to four months, and on superworms, you can actually get it to last close to a year as they will not pupate again to the beetle phase unless they are not around other superworms. So, you can keep them like that pretty much for close to a year.

Katie: We’ve had them for over a year now, I think, haven’t we?

Anthony: Yeah, about a year and a half.

Katie: Okay. And then you’ve got all the phases of development in your closet, right? So, that once they pupae, you put those in a separate drawer.

Anthony: Yeah. And then once they turn into beetles from that, I put them on the top thing. Their eggs fall through a screen into the bottom one, and then they turn into larva and the process repeats.

Katie: Right. And now, we can maybe take some pictures of that and post as some people are curious what you said. So mealworms and superworms. What are the adult phases of each of those?

Anthony: They’re both species of darkling beetles, I believe they’re from Central America. And a lot of times they’re used for feeding pets like lizards and birds and things.

Katie: And I feel like the other larva, what we’ve had in our house were outside in a garden. But what if…you created some kind of a device, was it soldier flies?

Anthony: Yeah, it was a black soldier fly larva composter and basically you have…so we live in Florida which allows it to be very hot all year around so I can do this. And I put the compost inside a composter and then the flies, they don’t have mouths so they’re actually not bad or anything. And they lay eggs in there, they grow up very quickly, they multiply about a million times their size. And then they eat and convert about 90% of the mass that they eat into body weight. And then by the time they’re done as larva, the pupate and they want to get out of the compost. You can make it to where they automatically harvest themselves and then you can bring them to chickens or ducks. And it’s a great compost, too.

Katie: And those, did you tell me that helps break down compost more quickly? Obviously they break down even like things you wouldn’t normally compost, like meat?

Anthony: Yeah. They can do meat, bones, shells for like egg shells, all kinds of stuff. They can even break down bioplastics which is quite cool.

Katie: Which is interesting tie in there. So, we use bioplastic. Well, we use bioplastics for our compost bags. We also use bioplastics in, well, massive like containers. It’s super amazing that we have insects that can help. I think things like this, it’s really exciting to me and it sounds like to you, too, for the future of sustainability. I think if we can innovate using things like insects or like we’re finding all kinds of cool potential with mushrooms and fungus as well. Let’s talk about the garden a little bit, too, because you are definitely my biggest helper/you take over a lot of this and handle the garden. Tell people about what our garden is like.

Anthony: Yeah. So, we have a pretty large garden and we grow a bunch of different stuff from lettuce, tomatoes, potatoes, we grow I think beets, strawberries, a bunch of other stuff. I can’t name all of it, yeah.

Katie: Yeah. And we do it like every year, everywhere we lived, it grows every year. So, this year it’s…I’m really bad at estimating size but I think it’s like 20 feet by 100. It’s big, it’s like almost the whole side yard. And we clean the whole area and then put down a foot of woodchips which you and your friends helped me with a lot of trailers. And then we put mushroom compost, it grows and we put it on that, and it’s been amazing to see how fast, even like trees we’ve planted. When you plant them in compost how fast they grow. And then like you talked about, we have a composting section where all of our food waste goes, and then we mix it with existing compost, and we use the soldier flies and kind of create a sustainable system there. What are some other ways that you think we can focus on sustainability or that are exciting to you right now?

Anthony: Electric cars, I think that’s one that I think is very cool that isn’t talked about. Like sometimes in the health industry, it gets a bad rep, but I mean, it’s keeping emissions out of the atmosphere. It’s actually saving lives because air pollution takes a bit, I think the estimate was about six million lives a year, so I think that’s definitely a very big thing. There’s just tons of things like solar and there’s so much development in the sustainability industry lately that I think that’s very helpful for the future.

Katie: You also mentioned your bees which are obviously, absolutely, bees are vital to our food survival. Remembering, I mean, pollinators touch the vast majority of food that we eat. So, truly without pollinators, our food supply goes away, it’s very important. And you’ve been a beekeeper for probably about, what, four years now?

Anthony: Yeah, four or five.

Katie: So, talk about that because I think that also sounds like kind of a scary hobby to a lot of people and you’ve been doing it for a while even when you were really young. But just talk about what it’s like to be a beekeeper.

Anthony: I mean, there is a scary sense of it but the bee suits really do protect you and I think it’s so important because pollination, obviously, it’s about a third. If it wasn’t for pollinators, we would lose about a third or a half of our entire food supply. And you’d never have things like apples and things like that. So, I think that’s very important and you get to learn a lot about sustainability just from this and about insects, and it feeds into science and things being homeschooled. I think that’s the large part of a learning in science, that can actually be really helpful, biology. So, I think that’s a very good way to learn.

Katie: That’s cool because it’s tied in with certain other companies that I’ve worked with that we’ve kinda learned from together. Like there’s a company called Beekeeper’s Naturals and they have a spray that’s propolis. And I was familiar with propolis because of you and beekeeping, and it was cool to learn. People like… So, propolis is what the bees use to keep the hive clean and sanitary. So, even if like a mouse gets in the hive, the bees aren’t strong enough to carry the mouse back out but they can encase the mouse in propolis to keep it from getting bacteria to the hive as it breaks down. And also just cool things like honey is one of the few things that literally if it’s an air-free environment, it lasts forever, right, because bacteria can’t grow in it.

Okay. So, also our newest project that we can talk a little bit about in passing is getting ducks and this is happening. Actually, by the time people listen to this, we will have ducks. And for me, part of the reason for this is that one of your sisters can’t handle chicken eggs but she does okay eating duck eggs and they’re hard to find. And also, but there’s a lot of sustainability reasons to have ducks and to have animals in your yard. So, talk about why we’re getting ducks and what you’re excited about there.

Anthony: Yeah. I think ducks get kind of a bad rep compared to chickens even though they are quite a bit better if you look at the facts. So, ducks, they’re much less aggressive and they do not tear up your grass nearly as much. One disadvantage though is they have to have water like constantly to swim in and everything, and they do require more feed but they are a lot better at foraging and have better health so they last longer. So, I think that’s a very good thing. And their poop is quite good in the garden. It’s much better than even chicken poop and composting and for fertilizer in your garden, and does not have to be composted for like a year to get out all of the salmonella and E. coli.

Katie: That’s really cool, I’m excited. We’ll see if we still think it’s such a great idea in a couple of months when they’ve taken over the yard. But I’ve been working on this, we’re building their enclosure and that kind of stuff. And another part of life at our house is I definitely encourage you guys to play outside a lot and you are really good about this. A couple of your siblings don’t like to be outside quite as much. But because of this, we’ve built tree house in the backyard that you guys have even camped out in quite a bit and we have kind of a Ninja Warrior type training course connected to the tree house. And you spend a lot of time biking with your friends or fishing, things like that. Talk about, from a kid’s perspective, what it’s like to be able to have free time outside and why is that important for you?

Anthony: I think that’s definitely important because a lot of kids, if they don’t have access to outside, then they just get caught up in watching TV, on devices, and on those things, and we need to be outside. It’s a healthy part of our lives. And there’s many, many things you can do outside which are very fun compared to TV and things, and like you make your own experiences, so I think that’s very important. And from a kid’s point of view, I have a lot of freedom, I would think, for being outside and doing a lot of things. Like I can go down the street to go fishing if I want, I can ride my bike in different neighborhoods and things like that. And I think that’s very important because it allows me to feel like I have freedom because I’m responsible. So, that makes me feel like if I’m good and do things which are responsible, then I get to do more freedom, but if I’m irresponsible, I do not have that freedom.

Katie: On that note, do you… I’m really curious, actually just as your mom, but I’m curious what you say here. Do you feel like your freedom is limited in a lot of ways or that because of you showing responsibility that you’re able to do those things that you want to do.

Anthony: I feel like a lot of things, yeah. In some ways I feel like it’s a little bit different compared to a lot of my friends go to regular school. So, I feel like sometimes I feel different in that way, but I think it’s a good balance.

Katie: And I’m glad you brought up school. A lot of people ask me about school and what homeschooling is like, maybe I can talk a little bit about it. And we’re at a unique situation in that my parents are both retired teachers and are helping with some of school of you guys. But my focus in creating the curriculum that we use, and you can tell me if you think this is working, was that I didn’t want to just recreate a school environment but at home. Because I think there’s a lot of things about traditional school that are getting to be a little bit outdated, and we talked about some of these sustainability things. And the fact that you guys as the generation, rather than being workers in a desk, we need a lot of you to be innovators and to be thinking outside the box.

And so, your dad and I, when you guys were young, sat down and tried to think what are the qualities that most will help you succeed in life. Because we can’t even predict what life will look like when you…I mean, you’re not too far from adulthood now but when you were young, what it would look like because everything was changing so quickly. So, we wanted to make sure that you guys could maintain things like critical thinking and creativity, innovation, and ability to connect the dots. And so, we thought we don’t want to just have you sit at a desk for eight hours a day and be told what to think. We want you to get through the basics and then be able to do things that help you learn how to think, to help you learn to ask hard questions and to ask why. And as a mom, sometimes it gets a little frustrating because I’ve taught you guys to ask why quite so much. But talk about what your experience of school has been like and if you feel like those things have actually happened for you.

Anthony: Yeah. Our school system, I think, is a lot different from the public school system to where everyone learns the exact same thing. I think ours is more customizable on what we think we wanna do and what we’re interested in at that time. I think that’s very important because our school system is based 150 years ago in the industrial revolution when we needed factory workers, whereas that’s not really the case anymore and we’re still using that school system, which means it’s pretty messed up. And because everyone learns the exact same thing no matter if you like science, if you like math, if you are good at writing. So, I think it’s much more customizable. I think that’s very helpful for like the long-term plan of what I wanna do with my life and especially innovation. That’s what’s gonna be very important, I think, in the next 20, 30, 50 years.

Katie: Something I know you follow pretty closely, but so much traditional jobs, more and more can be outsourced to technology. And what we are to automate which is, on one hand, a big advantage for humanity but also that does take away jobs. Whereas, I feel like things like that creativity and that innovation, and thinking outside the box, like a machine can’t learn how to do that, at least not right now. What are some of your long-term plans for your life?

Anthony: So, as we were talking about that superworm/mealworm project, I can actually prove that we could use that to scale. I think it would be very cool to start a company in which I could actually use that. And even in poor countries, create facilities where we do this, creating food for those communities while getting rid of pollution, I think that would be very cool. And things like that, yeah. I have a bunch of different plans for businesses that I could start. I don’t know if they’re all gonna happen but like… I think space exploration is another thing. I know that sounds crazy. Typical kid, space exploration, but I think getting to Mars is going to be crucial if we want to take some of the strain off of the planet. So, I think that’s going to be very cool.

Katie: And I know you and I are both very passionate about reducing a plastic problem. And I’ve written about this on the blog and you have talked about it many, many times. And I had just quoted some of those stats about how much plastic we have in the ocean and there are floating islands the size of the state of Texas. So this is a very massive problem. And I know you know the research, too, about how if we don’t solve this problem, truly like the planet doesn’t have too much longer without addressing this. And so, I think it’s awesome that there are people like you and your generation that are willing to take these on. Because, certainly, we’ve created some problems we got to fix.

Anthony: Yeah. And I think we look at it at the point of that we’re helping the planet, whereas in reality that’s not what’s happening. Because if the planet does die, it’s really not gonna kill the planet. In a million years it will be back to normal completely fine. It’s going to kill us, like the planet is a living ecosystem. It will kick us out if we are bad to it. Like we have to look at it, I think, more of in terms of that. Like it’s not really saving the planet. I mean, it is important to save species but the planet as a whole will be absolutely fine in a million years. It’s us that will have the problem and be dead.

Katie: That makes sense. So, basically, the planet as a whole is like a self-correcting organism that is gonna return to homeostasis eventually, and if we keep sort of making it mad, we might be the casualty of that.

Anthony: Yeah. Like it’s not the problem, like the planet is not what we’re worrying about. What we should be worrying about is that we should be worrying about ourselves and other species which we are killing off because of this.

Katie: And how to live, kind of a harmony with the planets we visit. And we’re seeing kind of examples of this right now with quarantine and how much pollution has reduced just from the month that people have been in quarantine and the water in Venice being clear for the first time and place of history and all kind of stuff. You also mentioned you have a lot of ideas of businesses you want to start. And the listeners have probably heard me talk about our entrepreneurship focus in our family and how we have a contract with you guys, that before you can drive, you have to have a profitable business for a year. And I’m a big believer personally that entrepreneurs have the ability to fix a lot of these problems, some of the ones we’ve just already talked about. But I’m curious if you could talk us through some of through some of the ideas that you’ve had for this and some of the ones you’ve already tried. I won’t say the name yet because it’s not quite ready to launch, but you’re also working. But what are some of these ideas that you’ve thought about? You got a couple of years and you’ll be driving.

Anthony: Yeah. So, a podcast, I think that’s something that I’m…I think it would be very cool to interview people in these fields which I think are very important and innovation. So, it would be a podcast about achieving basically innovation in the world and things like that. And for business ideas, I have quite a few, I think. I have like a list in my room, it’s like 8 or 10 of different ones. I think one of them was to be… So, one problem is it’s hard to get water, especially if you’re in coastal regions of the world, and especially in poor places. And if we could make it to where we could use salt water to where we can boil it and then use the steam to actually create drinking water. And right now that’s way too expensive for many places but if we could innovate that and make it way cheaper, I think that would be very helpful for many countries.

Katie: Yeah. And I think that’s something we’ve talked about, you and I quite a bit in entrepreneurship, it’s you have to find a problem and solve it. And like you’re looking at…I love that you’re looking at big scale problems for the world. I know you started small. You’ve done all kinds of small businesses in our neighborhood and in our community, and I love that you’ve now kind of shifted your focus to the larger scale. One thing that we did with you guys to hopefully help kind of create the ideas for some of these was…this was of the advice of our friend, Naveen, who you also know and are friends with and you visited at his house. He’s the founder of Viome. But his advice was to have kids watch Ted Talks in the morning on three unrelated topics because he said you guys are born naturally so creative and with the ability to find patterns and good to connect the dots. So, if you give lots of ideas and things to look at, you guys will find patterns where there aren’t even probably patterns people have found. And you’ve been better about watching the Ted Talks than with some of your siblings have. I’m curious if you have any of your favorite Ted Talks that come to mind from all the ones we’ve watched over the years.

Anthony: Yeah. My personal favorite Ted Talk I think is one by Elon Musk, I believe it’s called “The Future We’re Building and Boring.” That was really interesting because I think Elon Musk, he has a view for the world in which we can solve these problems and he’s coming up with ways, not necessarily…well, like he’s connecting the dots. Because I think for an entrepreneur, that’s what’s really important. You don’t necessarily have to be the scientist that comes up with the idea but figure out how can we connect these dots and make it work. So, I think that’s very important. And watching Ted Talks, I think that’s given me a lot of inspiration because I’ll watch them on just random topics and it’s helped me see ways that we could look at this differently, how we could change the world just by doing one simple thing.

Katie: Yeah, and it really is kind of amazing to me, I enjoy them too but a lot of these, they’re 60 minutes long and it’s like the best in the world. All of the summary of all the best that we have learned in 60 minutes. And so, you have all of those available at our fingertips, it’s just really, really cool. I know you tend to really enjoy the ones kind of in line with the interest we’ve talked about of sustainability and technology. And so, do you think that these things can go hand in hand because I feel like sometimes people try to make a dichotomy between technology and environmentalism and sustainability. Do you think we can actually use technology to improve the planet?

Anthony: Yeah. I think that’s what’s gonna be the savior of the planet really is because if we look at it if they’re enemies, we’re not going back in time. It’s either we’re going to have to work together or we’re going to die as species. So, I think that’s going to be very important because we can use this technology and come up with ways in which we can bind technology in nature in a way that is helpful for the planet and other species which we want to save and ourselves.

Katie: Are you hopeful that like in the near generation we’ll find answers to like the plastic in the ocean problem?

Anthony: I think we can. We have solutions right now, it’s just that they haven’t been implemented in a way that we have been promised. A lot of people, they look at, “Oh, when is the government going to do this?” But I think we look at the government too much because we can do things ourselves. Like you can…sure, it’s hard to start a business but you can do it. And if we had more people coming up with ideas for how we can actually, like start a business and implement these solutions in a way which it is a business, then I think we could solve many of these problems in 30 years’ time.

Katie: I agree with you. And I’m excited to see what your generation can do with that. Maybe a little bit in the same vein, in our family, one of our core values is travel. And we believe that travel is great because it helps you get out of your comfort zone and you learn new skills, and you work through challenges. And when you guys were little, your dad and I realized a lot of how we got where we are in life is because we had challenges earlier in life that made us learn skills and become resilient. And so, we wanted you guys to have that same opportunity but obviously we don’t wanna just make your lives difficult on purpose so that you would have challenges to overcome. And so, travel was one of the solutions to this because when you travel, there’s just kind of built in challenges at times and you have to adapt and learn and be consistent, like all of these lessons we wanted to teach you. I’m curious where have been some of your favorite and least favorite travel experiences?

Anthony: Yeah. So, I think going to Costa Rica, I think that is tied into a lot about like how we’re saying that this technology in superworms, how we can use that to actually help poor countries. I think going there and actually going to the third world country, I think that helped me see it a lot in like a way on how we can help people and combine two things, like a problem and then use it as a solution to that problem, and then also help people in these poorer countries. So, I think that was a very good travel experience and one that was one of my top favorites. And then least favorite ones, I don’t know. There’s no way for me to tell that.

Katie: Yeah. You’ve always kind of enjoyed the travel. I feel like you’re pretty…you guys are all really pretty good travelers actually. And Costa Rica was fun because you got to go there…well, we’ve been there twice but you got to go one of the times with some of your friends from the mastermind. And you older kids even kind of gotten just go out into the local city and even like barter. You learned some Spanish, I think, on that trip and how to negotiate and stuff?

Anthony: Yeah. And I definitely did get to learn how to negotiate and I learned some very basic Spanish, not very good at all, but yeah. And it was cool to just see how things work in another country, how they do things differently, how things are the same between humans everywhere. And another fun thing about that trip which I haven’t mentioned yet is that we went scuba diving, so I think that was suddenly a very cool challenge in some ways but also very fun and it definitely paid off.

Katie: And another motto that we have in our family is that you were made to do hard things which we learned from our friends, the Langfords, and you mentioned you’re good friends with their son, Caden, and their daughter, Abby, is one of the other authors on this cookbook. And that was a great example of where you have to apply that with scuba diving because that is, your dad and I both scuba dive and that is a pretty tough thing to pick up. And you learned right at age 10 with some of your friends, and we’ve now gotten to scuba dive together. What are some other examples of you are made to do hard things in your life?

Anthony: So, last year there’s…around here, we live in Florida, so there’s a junior lifeguard program, and I had done the younger kid one and I was kind of scared to do the older kid one. But it turned out to be very fun even though it was definitely very challenging because you’re having to run multiple miles, swim 300, 500 meters, and board a mile, something like that. So, I think that was definitely very challenging but paid off and was very fun in the end.

Katie: Yeah, that definitely, you guys came home so tired from being in an area like this, because it’s important so we thought you guys should have this to be very proficient in the water, and you guys have the option, if you want to, to be lifeguards when you’re teenagers and to work in the summers that way. Also, a few that come to mind for me because this is definitely, the adults in the family, we’re not exempt from this. We were made to do hard things, too. And so, I tried to look for things that I can learn that are difficult as well and you often were alongside with me. So, a couple of others that come to mind right now are learning Japanese and pole vaulting. So, talk about those because those are not probably normal hobbies that maybe a lot of families have.

Anthony: Yeah. So, pole vaulting, the reason we took that up is that in our local area, about a mile and a half away we have a professional pole vaulter. He was top 10 in the world, I believe, at one point and he lives there and he’s so good at teaching it in a way that makes sense and it’s simple, but it’s also like you’re learning it in a way that is so fun, that I don’t know. There’s just something about pole vaulting. It’s challenging and it’s weird, it’s different but it’s fun because of that, I think. And you’re doing something that’s different and you’re flying over a bar. And then Japanese, one of the pole vaulters, he has someone that lives next to them and he’s also a pole vaulter. He’s training for the Olympics this year for Team USA, and he knows Japanese. And so, he said he could teach us and it’s really fun to see how different that language is because they do it so differently than English but they’re still somewhat the same, that it’s fun to see those differences and how similar they are though as well.

Katie: Yeah. I know we have hoped maybe if our friend made it to the Olympics, that you would be able to go to Japan and watch him. And, of course, now that we’re a little bit up in the air and we’ll have to see next year when Tokyo is rescheduled but we have a little bit more time at least to learn Japanese. But that one has been a challenge for sure for me, too. Because, like you said, it’s totally different character so it’s not like just learning Spanish where at least the letters are the same and there’s some things that sounds somewhat similar. This is like a whole different, the tonality is different and the writing is different, and you have to learn stroke, order, and all kinds of stuff. But it’s been a really fun experience.

Katie: And another core value in our family is independence. And your dad and I tried really hard to foster self-sufficiency in you guys. And as the oldest, I think you’ve always been the most independent but we’ve seen this even more from you in the last year when you’ve learned how to fix things as they break and vet things to solve problems. For instance, I think one of your more recent projects you’re still working on is learning how to melt down aluminum for a Halloween costume. Explain that to me.

Anthony: Yeah. So, me and my friend in our neighborhood, I won’t say his name because I didn’t get permission to. So, there’s a show called “The Mandalorian” on Disney Plus. A lot of you have probably heard of it. It was really famous last year. And this Mandalorian suit of armor, we thought it would be very cool to try to do a costume like that for Halloween. And all of the film ones, they didn’t look right so we thought, “Well, what if we could do it with metal and aluminum?” I mean, you have tons of aluminum cans everywhere. Tons of people drink out of them and stuff, so it’s an easy resource to get. And if we can melt them, then we could create a really high-quality costume pretty much for free.

Katie: And you guys have tried a couple of ways so far, definitely I love it. It’s still in progress. And if we ever do round two, we can update people of how it’s going. And as we record this, we’re getting kinda towards the end, but we are all still in quarantine which is why we have extra time to record this podcast. I’m curious from a kid’s perspective, how has this experience been for you?

Anthony: Quarantine, I think because we’re homeschooled, we’re still doing school and things like that, that it hasn’t been too much different. But like on one side, yeah, it hasn’t been that much different but then on another, it’s been just wildly different because people’s behavior and things. So, it’s really weird.

Katie: Yeah. I think that’s the saddest part for me is to witness. I get that we need physical distancing but to witness how people have changed how they relate to other people and like the fear people have of each other, and I’m hoping that will go away once the quarantine lifts. And look, I think you guys have actually handled it really well and like you said, you do a lot of the things you have already done, you’re still doing school, you still play outside, so get sunshine and all of that. But in many ways, I think this time period right now might kind of define your generation because a lot of changes are gonna come from this and certainly there will be a lot of problems to fix after that.

Anthony: Yeah. I think it’s really important thought that through this, even though it’s a challenge, that we don’t overestimate it and that we are humans. If we unite, we can do pretty much anything. I mean, look at where we are now. We’re a global species and we went from being a global species to…in a 500-year period we went from being in pretty much just Europe and Asia to then being all over the world, and I think that’s really crazy.

Katie: Definitely. As we get to the end, this has been a really fun conversation for me, I’m curious if you have any advice that you would like to give to other kids your age or kids who are a little younger maybe?

Anthony: Don’t be limited by what you think you can… dream big. Don’t think that you can’t do something just because you’re a kid, I mean, you can. Sure, it’s going to be maybe more challenging because you are younger but you definitely can do whatever you set your mind to. I think that’s what kids really have to remember.

Katie: And certainly you guys do have the entire essentially world knowledge at your fingertips through the internet. And even like courses, like MIT open sources their courses now and you watch Ted Talks, so there’s so much knowledge that’s available. What about things that you wish parents knew about what it’s like to be 13 or about letting kids learn or basically things from your perspective?

Anthony: I think parents, one thing that I get kind of annoyed by is that parents, they look at kids and they’re like, “Oh, we have to keep a super close eye on them all the time.” Whereas that’s really, you have to let the kid learn to be responsible and have freedom. Because by the time they’re adults, they’re going to be doing that. And if you haven’t let them learn how to take care of themselves, then they’re just going to go from being watched all the time and having everything done for them to having nothing done for them and having to do everything themselves. So, I think that’s very important from that point of view because you want to be able to give your kids freedom, but you also want them to not give them too much because you don’t want them to be completely wild. It’s a balance.

Katie: Do you feel like because we try really hard not to assert your freedom unless that’s something that’s actually truely a big deal or dangerous. Do you feel like you have more freedom and that you have the ability to learn and make mistakes and gain more responsibility?

Anthony: Yeah. I think I have a good balance to where it’s not like, I like being controlled in a little way to where I know that like I can’t do something super crazy and I’m never going to be forced to do that. But I also like how I do have freedoms to where I can decide things for myself.

Katie: Do you feel like you have any maybe areas where that’s not true, or like areas where you wanna rebel because, I know, when I was a little older than you, there was a lot of rules and I could do a lot of things I wanted to do. And so, I always like was trying to find ways to assert my freedom. And as a parent now, I’ve realized, especially as a teenager, your psychological job actually is to become self-sufficient and to eventually like step back a little bit from your nuclear family and become an adult at some point. So, do you feel like you have any real like areas where you want to rebel, or do you feel like you’re able to exercise your freedom?

Anthony: I think I can use my freedom. So, I think that’s a good way. It’s a balance to where I don’t really rebel that much. That I think because I have the ability to do all of these things that I don’t feel I need to because I can do most of the things I want to.

Katie: That makes sense. What about from like dynamic relationship, dynamic perspective? What are some things that you help…as from a kid’s perspective, that helped have a strong relationship with a parent that make it, where you feel like you can come talk to us if you need us but also that you have freedom?

Anthony: I think it’s just really important that the parent especially let the kid be themself and do kind of what they want, but also let the child know that they are there for them and they’re not going to judge them based on what they do. Like they’re always going to love them no matter what.

Katie: I’m really glad, that makes me so happy as a mom that that’s a lesson that you felt like you learned from us. Also, I know that you’re an avid reader as are pretty much all of us in our family. And this is a question I ask everybody on the podcast at the end about books that they love. And before you answer, I’ll say, of course, the fact that you’ve now written a book, it makes it one of my favorites and that’s really special to me. So, if you guys are listening, it would be awesome if you would check it out. It’s called “Chef Junior” and there will be a link in the show notes. What are some other books that you love?

Anthony: I’ve read so many books over the years that I can’t really boil that down, that book we were talking about earlier, “Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat” and that’s a really good one that I thought was interesting. I absolutely love reading biographies. I read one about Amazon, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, those. And then I do like fiction as well. I think that it kind of lets you see in a world where how it could be reading fiction. So, there’s the Percy Jackson series, “Harry Potter,” of course, that’s a really good one. “Keeper of the Lost City,” that’s another good fictionist. And “Hardy Boys,” I read that one a while ago, that series but I thought that was a really good one, and yeah.

Katie: Awesome. Well, this has been such a fun interview, Anthony, it’s flown by. I can’t believe we’re almost at an hour already. But I just wanna say a couple of things on the record that I am so proud of you and all of the things you’re doing, and not just “Chef Junior” and this project but how great of a sibling you are and all of the ways that you care about other people, and about our planet. And I’m really grateful that you were here with me today.

Anthony: Thanks, Mom.

Katie: And, as always, thanks to all of you for joining us and for sharing one of your most valuable resources, your time with us. We’re both very grateful that you did. And I hope that you will check out “Chef Junior” and I hope you would join me again on the next episode of the “Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/chef-junior/

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thecrookedgavel · 4 years

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The Black Box Readings - Ep 3 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 3 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

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An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So episode one released and I was very happy with how people responded to it. I got a lot of messages saying how raw the experience was, or how happy they were to have the chance to listen to a queer experience. Usually it was from queer people, but sometimes it wasn’t!

Though responses were positive for the most part, the podcast did get some negative attention too. Ignoring all the stuff that wasn’t constructive, there were two main criticisms of the show. The first was actually surrounding its premise. People were concerned that it was unethical to put something that was deleted back onto the internet. Even if it wasn’t deleted, isn’t it essentially stealing to use it in a podcast like this? Ok, so I understand the concerns and I guess I wasn’t clear enough to begin with. I received permission from the original author of the material to use it any way I’d like. Probably something I should have said originally, and I’m sorry that I didn’t. As for whether or not I’m just copying someone else’s work, I believe that The Black Box Readings count as a transformative work, and therefore it’s protected under fair use. There’s more than enough “Me” in this podcast that it’s really become something more than just the original “text”.

The other problem some people had with the podcast was that Emmy didn’t seem like a trans girl at all to them, and they felt like I was grasping at straws in my explanations pointing out trans aspects. Well, I do understand that there isn’t anything that outright says Emmy is trans within her posts in the first two episodes. But what you have to remember is that I actually knew her, and even though it’s sort of a spoiler for this episode, she did come out as trans on her blog. Look, I’m trying to present the posts I chose in chronological order to make a coherent narrative. Even so, it felt too weird to hide Emmy’s identity until this episode, when that’s largely the reason I’m doing this podcast in the first place.

So with all that aside, I’d like to get into the episode proper! Today’s episode is largely a feel-good one. It’s got a lot of positive energy, and focuses on the budding relationship between Emmy and EmeraldSkies. In case you don’t remember, the two of them met playing Overwatch and became fast friends. At this point, Emmy has been posting about their interactions on her blog, and it’s official now that Emmy has a crush. *laughs* it was really cute to watch her navigate through her feelings, but I didn’t want this episode to be… you know, two hours long, so I’ve come up with a few posts that best illustrate an already-established connection. To start us off, here’s one entitled:

“I Told Her

I know I talk about her a lot, but -”

Oh, *Laugh* I guess it happened again. She used EmeraldSkies real name, and I’m really not comfortable saying it in the podcast for privacy reasons. Let’s see, given that EmeraldSkies is Latina, let’s go with Selena, like our favorite wizard from Waverly Place. *laughs*

“I know I talk about her a lot, but Selena is just so cool! I’m sorry if it’s getting annoying to anyone, but I’m not going to hide how I feel either. This is my Tumblr, after all, I can post what I want. Anyway, today I finally told her I was deaf, and that’s the reason we don’t do voice chat. She understood completely, and told me that voice chat wasn’t something she liked doing in the first place. Ahhh, She’s so cool! I’m lucky to have her in my life! I was so scared that she’d see me as weird or broken or something, that’s the usual reaction I get anyhow. But not with her! I’m so happy right now!

Selena has been continuing to share her poetry with me, it’s really good! I feel so at home reading it. It’s such a personal look into her soul, I’m glad she doesn’t feel too vulnerable letting me read it. It’s especially helpful that it’s a medium I can fully understand. Honestly, I sometimes feel a little lost when watching tv, even with captions on. It’s sort of an incomplete experience, you know?”

I find the sort of “sorry, not sorry” attitude Emmy has here to be a big step up from previous ones. She exudes a bit of confidence here, not caring if people unfollow her because she’s talking about a crush. It’s nice to see Selena bring that out in Emmy. It’s also really heartwarming that Emmy didn’t receive the usual reaction she says she gets when telling people about her disability. Selena seems like a very accepting and kind person, and I think Emmy deserves that in her life. Also, I want to point out that Selena is averse to using voice chat. There’s a reason for that, and you’ll probably be able to guess it by the end of the episode.

Also, Selena is an amateur poet! I feel I should point that out, because it’s immediately relevant in our next post, which is Emmy talking about a poem that Selena wrote especially for her.

We don’t get the poem itself, just Emmy’s interpretation of it, which does give us a fair bit of insight on to what the poem might have been like.

The post is called: “She wrote a poem for me??

I’m so excited you guys, you have no idea! Selena wrote me a poem! And I’m swept off my feet by it. She says it was nothing, but I don��t think so! She called it “Flowers Down by the Lake” and it’s beautiful! Like, I don’t want to read into it too hard, but I think this means she likes me back?? And not just because it’s a poem that she wrote for me, but because of what’s IN the poem, guys!

It’s about two flowers that are more beautiful not in spite of how they’ve been damaged, but because of it. And how they’re both really different, but they’re even more beautiful because they’re side by side. So. Fucking. Romantic! I love this poem, it gives me so many feels.

Maybe there’s something to this whole ‘fate’ thing after all”

Before getting into the meat of this post, I’d like to touch on the last line. This is where Emmy first publicly posts about the idea of fate starting to appeal to her, though I imagine that she has been playing around with the idea of it for a while now. I’m not personally sure I believe in fate myself, so *sigh* I’m not entirely sure why this seems so important to me? So, I like to look at the universe as truly random, and because of that, two people finding each other amongst that randomness is the most beautiful thing imaginable. So whether it was just the randomness of the Overwatch matchmaking system, or fate itself that brought these two together, I think that’s something really special.

Anyways, I’ve never gotten the chance to actually read this poem, but it sounds pretty spectacular. The message that Emmy sees is one that we can all take to heart. All of you are beautiful in your own way, and it’s in part because of what you’ve been through. You’ve been shaped by your hardships in a way that makes you more of a person, and the people around you that are enriching to your lives help you to “bloom”, so to speak.

Although I am partial to getting all sappy with you folks, we do have an episode to get through, and so we’ll be moving on to our next post.

And what a post it will be! This is for sure the most important post in this episode, perhaps the most important one so far. I alluded to it in the beginning of the episode, and I’m really excited to finally share it with you all. I can’t hype it up enough, but I am certainly trying *laughs*. It’s called:

“I Have Something To Tell You

I don’t want to waste any time, so I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m a trans girl! If you don’t know what I mean, it’s kind of hard to explain, but I’ll try to.

“Trans” is short for transgender, which means that I don’t identify with my birth sex as my gender. So I was born a boy, but I feel like a girl on the inside. Gender is just different than sex. Period. It’s complicated, I know, since we use similar words to talk about them, but it’s true.

Growing up, I didn’t have a lot of interactions with kids my age, because I was homeschooled. A lot of interactions were through reading books. I found myself enthralled with stories about girls, but less interested in stories about boys. When I did read stories about boys, I’d latch onto female secondary characters and see the world through them. Some examples of female characters I saw myself as are: Clary from Mortal Instruments, Katniss from Hunger Games, and even Hermione from Harry Potter.

When it came to video games, I found myself picking female characters when given the choice. I even do it in Overwatch! I’m a Mercy main, after all.

I used to tell myself that it was because the books were just that good, or because the video game characters were cute, but I see now that was only half of the truth. It’s really because I saw myself in those characters, that’s the kind of soul I have, you know?

There are other, more private reasons surrounding my body I won’t get into here, as well.

I guess I realized what I was feeling because, well, Selena is a trans girl too! I guess I found out when we decided to swap pictures of what we both looked like. She prefaced her’s by saying that she might look a little boyish, and that’s because she’s trans! I was happy that she felt close enough to me that she could share that, since she’s more private about this sort of thing than I’m being. I’ve never met a trans girl before, especially not in real life, so that’s why it took me so long to figure out. Plus my Dad is very “traditional”, so I’ve been conditioned to hide who I am throughout the years. I doubt he’d embrace me as his daughter with open arms, so for now, it’s a secret I’m keeping from him. If he thinks I’m going to go to hell for it, then fuck him. I don’t care what he thinks about me anymore.

Thank you for reading to the end of this post! I hope I made sense.”

So there we have it, official word from Emmy that she is trans. Not only that, but Selena is trans too! There’s a lot to unpack here, so we should get started. She gives a good explanation of what being transgender means for her, even if it contains a few pieces of old language, like being “born a boy.” It’s generally best not to say that about someone else, fair warning. It’s good that she had that sort of “aha” moment when Selena explained what transgender means.

For me, my Aha moment was in the form of a rather… outdated term, I think it was “Male identified lesbian.” *laughs* Ohh, well… I guess I had some suspicions about myself, and so I did some googling. And I found this term that sounded so much like me. It had a bunch of bullet points like, attracted to lesbians, identifies with women over men, stuff like that. It was actually kind of problematic, looking back because it was really steeped in men sexualizing lesbians, but it was a stepping stone for me when I was 20ish. I don’t think that website is still there all these years later

Definitely something that I did when I was younger that affirms my trans identity looking back was wearing dresses. Not an Aha moment in the slightest, though. Well not for me, but probably for my friends *laughs* When I was 14, my friends put together a murder mystery party. It was a pre-written story, and there were roles to assign to everyone. And I got assigned the mother of the victim. My friends just thought of me and said, you know what would really suit An? Playing a woman. Heh, And I rocked it, too. It helped that one of my friends brought a dress for me to borrow during the party. Though I wore it so well and was obviously so confident wearing it, that she let me keep it. I’d use that same dress to play a woman again in a play, but maybe that’s a story for another time.

Back on track, Emmy talks about playing video games as female characters being a big indicator looking back, and I really feel that one. I remember specifically choosing Talim and Tira from Soul Calibur all the time and being like, it’s obviously because they’re fast characters, and that’s just my playstyle. But naw, it largely had to do with me seeing myself a certain way. Like, I remember specifically one time I looked at my stats in Left 4 Dead, a game I played all together too much of, and noticed that I picked Zoe to play as like, 80% of the time? Like there’s 4 characters to choose from, all the same stat-wise, and I picked the girl more often than not. It sort of shook me to my core when I realized this, but I didn’t know what it really meant until a few years later.

Also, to preemptively answer any concerns about Emmy realizing she’s trans because of someone else, don’t worry. I don’t think she’s like, copying Selena’s identity to fit in or something like that. The thing is… seeing a trans person as just that - a person - can be a trigger to figuring out who you really are. Like, this was the case for my ex who I was dating at the time I was finally able to call myself a woman. No name change, no pronoun change, or anything like that, but I had admitted it out loud by then. It sort of had a reaction in him to call himself gender fluid, and I think that was really important for him. In this case, it was a stepping stone to realizing that he was a trans man, but that’s still valid, right? It’s ok to change your identity as you learn more about yourself. Labels can change over time. For Emmy, Selena was probably the first instance of positive representation that she ever saw. Anyways, even though my relationship kind of exploded, I talked with him at a later date, and we expressed how important being instantly supportive was to each other. We lost contact since, but I honestly hope he’s doing alright out there.

That’s probably enough about me, sorry. *laughs* This post just sort of pulls it all out of me, you know?

Either way, we should probably get back to the posts at hand so we can end this episode in a reasonable timeframe. So I messaged Emmy to congratulate her, and I know she probably saw it, because she references something very similar to what I wrote to her in her next post. I don’t remember what exactly what I sent, just that at the time, I recognized what I sent in her wording. Also in the post, there’s another section that reminds me of the frequently asked questions about being disabled. Though this time around… well we’ll talk about it after I read it to you.

“Thank you and Fuck you!

Sorry not sorry about the title, but don’t worry, you know which one you are if you recently sent me a DM. First of all, thank you for all the kind and supportive words you all had to say! Coming out is really hard, but you made it worth it! I feel so loved and valid, it’s been great to have you all in my inbox!

However, there were other people in my inbox that I appreciated a lot less. Lots of transphobic assholes messaging me about needing mental help and how I’m going to hell now. Dicks asking me if I want to chop off my dick now, and of course, fucktards telling me to kill myself. Many of you said you’re unfollowing my blog too. So, all I have to say is fuck you!!! That’s all.”

I feel like we should talk about the second part of the post. I honestly believe she has a right to be angry here, and lashing out is perfectly natural. So I’m not saying she’s not allowed to tell transphobes off. But if you notice the last time she got a lot of upsetting messages in her inbox, she handled it with grace. There was a “fuck you” for sure, but it was implied, rather than… you know, in the title? And I think I know why there’s such a difference in tone here.

When you come out like this, you’re telling your truth for the first time. Everything feels a lot more raw and vulnerable for you. She’s probably used to the dumb questions about being deaf, so she’s developed a way to politely answer the grosser questions. But here, it’s been like, a few days? She’s going to feel like she needs to go on the attack here.

Coming out as trans for me was really hard too, and I didn’t even do it on an online platform. I’m even hesitant to talk about it now, because of how deeply personal it is. But I think it’s important to give you context to why Emmy would want to say “fuck you” to so many people.

So the first person I ever came out to was a friend of mine from high school. She was… not a great person. She was a complete narcissist, she lied to me constantly and ended up using me for sex. That and she was deeply transphobic. Honestly, I could talk about that whole situation forever, so I won’t get started. What’s important is that when I told her I felt like a girl on the inside, she told me that was weird. And that really hurt my personal growth. It put me back into the closet for a few years. I didn’t tell anyone again for a while. The screwed up thing is that she was queer herself, and she was dating someone who would later come out as a trans guy. She didn’t support him either. I remember her telling me that it was stupid that he changed his name, and being impressionable at the young age of 22, I believed her. Even after I came out to my family, I didn’t change my name for a good while after that.

Oh, speaking of my family, coming out to them went very, very poorly. *sigh* I was having dinner with them, and I had decided earlier that day that today was the day. I finally brought up enough courage to finally say that I was a girl… and they all laughed at me. That was about 5 years ago, and the laughter is still something I never got over. After I clarified I wasn’t joking, they took it really badly. I was told later that I had almost given my dad a heart attack when I clarified that I was not only a woman, but a lesbian too. There was a lot of yelling at the table. They still have some trouble with my name and pronouns these days, but they honestly try really hard, and I really appreciate that about them. But the initial experience? It was extremely traumatizing.

Coming out is something that you never actually get to stop doing, and I could tell more horror stories, but I think I have given you enough of an idea of why Emmy felt so many raw emotions when writing that post.

Next up is another special post that continues the trend of being a big turning point in Emmy’s life. It’s in the form of an announcement, and I feel like I should mention that the overall time lapse in this episode is rather large. Obviously she has been posting a lot about Selena and they’ve been spending a lot of time getting to know each other. In the interest of brevity, I’m only touching on the major points. That may make it seem like things were rushed, but please note that they weren’t. She starts things off with:

“I have another announcement to make!

Many of you have been DMing me asking about me and EmeraldSkies, and saying how we should be together. Well I have good news for you! We’re official! We’re in lesbians together, lol. We’ve known each other for months now, although it feels like I’ve had a thing for her forever. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to try and make it work long distance, and I did! So I said yes! I’ve never been happier! Also, I convinced her that her poetry is totally amazing and she needed to share it with the world. Don’t just take my word for it, check out her new Tumblr!”

And there was probably a link to Selena’s Tumblr if you clicked on the last sentence. Now, I never personally messaged Emmy about this, but I did ship them very hard since the point where Selena wrote her first poem for Emmy. It felt so wholesome to see this announcement, and not just because my ship was confirmed. Emmy said right there that she had never been happier. She was finally feeling fulfilled for the first time in her life, and I think that had a lot to do with coming out, which had a lot to do with Selena in the first place. So seeing them together was such a treat.

Alright! Last post of the episode. Here we have something a little different than what we’re used to. It’s not a post that Emmy has written, but a post that she reblogged. Since she put it on her blog, it counts for our purposes, especially since it’s about her in the first place. It’s a poem about Emmy written by Selena. And it’s titled:

“Free From Tyranny

Although you still feel trapped, you are now free,

It may seem like you are damned by the followers of God,

Stuck under the rule of a not-so-heavenly father,

But it is all an illusion, completely superficial.

For you see, you have been freed,

Freed from fear, denial, and self-loathing,

These are the metals that form the bars of the true prison,

The prison of the mind, the prison of the self.

You have bent these bars, they are nothing to you now,

So even if you still feel the tyranny from the outside world,

Know that you are finally free from the tyranny of yourself

And you are so beautiful for it. “

It’s quite a lovely little poem, and I do love the themes and the message. It’s just that, *sigh* I don’t know if I can agree with it fully? Yes, for sure, that being free to be your true self to yourself is magical. It’s something that was a huge turning point for my own personal growth. But whether or not that makes you truly free? I can’t say for sure. A terrible environment can really hurt a person’s sense of self. I worry that after a while of it, even folks with the brightness of convictions might willingly go back into their own prisons, so to speak. I do really enjoy how it’s written though, and my view of Selena as a poet isn’t hurt by my worries here.

Anyways, Emmy posts a little reply in her reblog that I find pretty funny,

“I love this poem, but I wonder who it’s about”

As if you don’t know Emmy, stop being silly *Laughs*

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! Thanks again for all for your feedback, supportive or constructive, it honestly all really helps! I went really deep with the anecdotes today, I hope it wasn’t too much. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

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