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lixxen · 4 days

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hello beloved mutual lixxen. im curious of about danny phantom! ive seen your reblogs of it, and i was wondering if you could explain the premise of it? bc my memory of it was a kids show from nickelodeon, but it seems super popular. is it still running??

anyways it seems kind of fun, im thinking of starting it

Welcome back to Lixx explaining hyperfixations!!

Danny Phantom is a children's cartoon from 2004 that has three seasons and a graphic novel (that came out last year) (the show has been done for twenty years)

It focuses on Daniel Fenton, who is a 14 year old who lives in a small town somewhere in the northern Midwest of the US (near Wisconsin but not in it). His parents are scientists/inventors who are obsessed with ghosts. They create a portal that should bring them to the Ghost Zone, a special realm that ghosts come from, but it doesn't work. Danny does inside of it and turns it on, which turns him into a Halfa. A Halfa is a half ghost, half human. He canonically dies twice in the show. I will not elaborate on how this kid just dies a few times.

The show follows Danny and his friends (and various classmates and reoccurring cast) as he learns how to use his powers and fight off ghosts along the way!

The cast includes:

His older sister Jazz, who is actually a really good big sister who cares a lot even if she's overbearing

Sam, his main love interest who is a Jewish goth girl and doesn't eat meat

His best friend Tucker, who is a techno nerd who loves meat

The A-Listers, who are the popular kids

Valerie, who is a love interest and enemy at certain points

His parents Maddie and Jack, who are overbearing and can be kinda crazy at times

Vlad, his not uncle who is fucking insane and a main bad guy. In love with Maddie

Plus various others!!

The fandom is very active and old. There are regular Tumblr/AO3 events that happen every year with a schedule and there is a steady fanon that has been built around the show that is basically canon (or supported by the canon). The creator, Butch Hartman, is a bigoted asshole who everyone hates.

The show is very fun and it is bingeable. It has a specific formula and is predictable at times. But also, it's very grim because you slowly realize that this 14 year old kid is literally carrying the weight of a realm on his shoulders and is living a double life where his parents basically want him dead and gone while loving his alive self

The fandom loves gore/whump.

I'm not kidding.

I have written a handful of gore fics for this show and tbh they're not even the worst things ever. If you've ever want to see some of the most jaw dropping whump and gore, this fandom has it.

We have fics that are literally the best written alternate universes and have nothing to do with the original show besides characters and death. Like. There's bound books of that specific fic. I haven't read it but it's long and it will make you sob

Some things that are lore building/fanon shit that everyone knows:

Ghost obsessions (you'll know it when you see it)

Ghost cores having specific effects on ghosts (it's canon but not really talked about in canon for more than two seconds)

Danny having allergic reactions to blood blossoms outside of his ghost form

Ghost speak being a ghost language all ghosts speak

Wes Weston and Kyle Weston being unnamed background characters that the fans took and made into full characters. It's actually cool as fuck. They're fully functioning characters and I love them

Death echoes/death days

I will warn that whatever feelings you have regarding to ships needs to be kicked to the side. All things go for ships here. Don't like the ship/don't condone it, don't interact with ir. You will waste your breath trying to play police over ship

Ships also have names. Platonic AND romantic ships. Here's some I can name off the top of my head:

Pitch pearl: Danny/Phantom (Danny gets split into a ghost and human form at one point)

Amethyst ocean: Danny/Sam

Savant Par: Danny/Tucker

Everlasting trio: Danny/Tucker/Sam

Badger cereal: Danny & Vlad (I think????)

Swagger Bishie/Golden Twinkie: dash/Danny

Pink astronaut: Danny/Paulina

Gray Ghost: Danny/Valerie

So yeah lol

This is my most read fic I think. I am gonna start writing again for DP soon. I love reading them

(here's my AO3 fic tags from my bookmarks for DP)

#danny phantom #momokyuuu #ask

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hush-writes-preg · 2 months

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i’ve been wanting to say this for a while, and im still not sure i’m gonna say it right, but i really appreciate your blog. i’ve been having issues with my ovaries for a while and it’s still not clear if i’m fertile or even gonna get to Keep my ovaries much longer. it’s been really stressful, because i really want to be able to get pregnant, and i might never be able to. but one of the worst parts is that i’m transmasc, and a lot of people- including my own family- can’t wrap their heads around being a man and wanting to be pregnant. even other transmascs seem to think i can’t actually be trans and genuinely want this. people pity me cus they think Society is what made me feel this way, and they have to “help” by convincing me this is something i don’t actually want.

you and all your followers have been the opposite of that. seeing so many other transmascs who openly (and sometimes desperately) want to experience pregnancy has made me feel like so much less of an other. seeing people who aren’t transmasc but have transmasc friends/partners being so encouraging and supportive when this is something they want has felt so validating. it’s such a positive and welcoming environment here, and it’s so comforting.

so i guess the main takeaway is everyone should keep being horny, because there’s at least one person who really appreciates it.

Hey there, Aster! Thanks for hopping into my inbox with your kind words! 💖

I've said it before, and I'll continue saying it long into the future for old and new followers alike-- this blog exists because I believe that everyone deserves the opportunity to feel appreciated, validated, and seen in regard to this kink. I don't care what parts anyone was born with, what parts anyone has now, or what anyone's age(18+)/gender/sexuality is. Anyone can feel the desire to be pregnant or to impregnate someone else, and that feeling should be celebrated.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had so much trouble with your original plumbing, Aster, and that you aren't sure if you'll be able to conceive. That's a really shitty situation to be in when you actually want to get pregnant. I've known a few people on Tumblr who are in similar health-related situations, and I just wish I could give all of you a big hug (if it's wanted). It's really not fair. The universe is pretty shit for allowing that to happen in the first place. But you're not alone, okay? I don't know how much comfort that offers you, but there are folks out there who commiserate, understand what you're struggling with, and hope that you'll be able to eventually find happiness regardless of what happens.

And yeah... family and society can suck big time sometimes. OFC you can't be male and want to carry a child, right? /s In my opinion, those people are nothing more than gatekeepers who have no business being involved in your body and business. The knowledge that these kinds of opinions are so commonplace really pisses me off. The desire to procreate is a ridiculously ordinary (though not universal) part of being human, so why shouldn't anyone be allowed to use the parts they have to make a baby if they want to? Or be allowed to find other reasonable ways to make it happen? :throws-table.gif:

Ugh. I'll get off of my soapbox now.

All that said, if the space I'm nurturing and the community we're all building is one of support, encouragement, and affirmation, then that's a dream fulfilled for me. We may be stuck feeling like an Other elsewhere thanks to societal stupidity, but not here. Here we're all as incredible and sexy and fertile as we wish to be, and I refuse to hear otherwise.

You're awesome, Aster. Try to stay positive, do what you can to take care of your troublesome bits, and love yourself the way you are. And if you ever need to vent about this stuff, my DMs are open, okay?

I adore all of you horny, breedable fuckers. 💖 Don't any of you forget it.

#hush answers #pocket-stars #hush speaks

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zukosdualdao · 1 month

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Im glad to read the takes of a fellow zuko stan :)

Honestly, it feels like people just hate on him way too much lately. The posts ive seen on twitter, on tik tok, on tumblr... Do people just not like him anymore? Why did everyone turn against him so suddenly? I've been hoping it's something temporary, just a trend, but. I don't know anymore. People mock his disability, spit on his trauma, wish death on him and interpret everything he says or does in the worst possible way. I saw someone crying about how entitled he was because he took aang's seat when watching the play just the other day lmao. Another person wrote about how mysoginistic he was because he didn't remember katara's name when asking about kya's death to sokka? There are those who even call him a colonizer on the same level as iroh lmao. It seems their justifications for all the salt they throw his way are along the lines of "he's been loved for too long, aang stans have suffered way more, people just watched the show again and realized how bad he actually was, he's catching strays since his fans keep setting him up, his fans paint him as perfect and erase every bad thing he's done" etc etc. I'm all for criticism and deeper character analysis, but this is just said in bad faith. I also think it has a bit to do with how different engagement has become in fandom spaces recently (things people support in fiction need to be morally correct) and well, zuko was the perfect target. He's done bad things, sides with the villains for a good portion of the series, redeems himself but there are things he still has to work on... I don't know, it's been getting to me. There are many other harsh things ive read said about him (like implying how every single member of the gaang hates even after redeeming himself), but i honestly don't have the energy to delve into each and every one. His arc was poorly executed and his development was badly written now, apparently. I kind of just ranted here, i apologize. Im very happy to read the posts of someone who genuinely likes him and doesnt throw him under the bus to defend or elevate other characters...

hi! i'm glad you're enjoying my blog <3 and no need to apologize for the rant, i'm always happy to talk about zuko!

about to theorize a bit as to why it seems like maybe zuko has become a more contentious character, but it should be noted i have not been exceptionally, actively involved in the fandom very long. i loved atla as a kid, have retained fond memories, have witnessed some discourse from the fringes over the years, but only recently has it overtaken my brain to the point of making a whole blog about it. lol. so, like, grain of salt, etc.

i think a big part of it is what you said - in the last few years of fandom in particular, it feels like there has been a huge upswing in purity culture, moralizing liking/not liking certain ships or characters, and an overall increase in very black-and-white thinking. there's also an emphasis on "holding people accountable" (good in theory), often without specifying what, exactly, that looks like (less good). the idea then becomes that if you've done harmful things, there's no way you can ever make up for them and should just, like, hate yourself for all eternity and also die, probably, which is not actually helpful to anyone.

so, i think for those who ascribe to that mindset, zuko is a prime candidate for them to criticize. and while there's nothing wrong with criticizing a character or their arc or writing if you truly have a problem with it, as you've said, a lot of the time, criticisms against zuko don't seem to be made in very good faith. after all, a big part of zuko's arc is having to unlearn some very black-and-white thinking. also, zuko is not a real person. he is a character, and therefore a narrative tool, and if we want him to be 'held accountable', we need look no further than the story itself, in which he is probably the character the narrative holds the most accountable for his actions due to his prior status as a villain.

(it reminds me a bit, actually, of another favorite character of mine: alec in the tv series shadowhunters. he starts out the story already in a heroic role, unlike zuko, but a big part of his narrative is unlearning some prejudiced cultural mindsets and challenging not only his previous ideologies, but his conception of himself and the people in his life as well. as a result, alec can look sometimes more obviously flawed than the other main cast, but the point is that the narrative asks him to examine those flaws and change and introspect and grow in a way that it doesn't always ask of other characters when they are showcasing their own flaws. which does make me thing about zuko vs. aang in the atla narrative.)

the other thing i think is contributing to zuko's more contentious status in the fandom is how long atla's been in the cultural consciousness, and how common it is for things that used to be popular to cycle through to people starting to criticize or actively hate it to people saying "no, actually, it's still pretty good, you just don't want to like a popular thing" (this is me rn), to maybe eventually getting popular again/at least in certain subsects of the audience. zuko was probably one of the most talked-about aspects of atla for a long time, and while i can understand how that could get frustrating (because there are some other really great characters and aspects of the story!), that's not, like, for no reason. people connected with and admired his story for a reason, and many still do, and (in my humble opinion) that is because it is one of the most thought-out, intentional, and nuanced character arcs of the show.

the ableism, i think, really gets to me because like... even if every criticism from the people who hate him were 100% accurate and said in good faith (they're not, but let's pretend for a minute)... that still wouldn't be an excuse for ableism against a character with a prominent facial difference (or making fun of abuse survivors for the permanent injuries they sustain from abuse.) if zuko had never redeemed himself and stayed a villain, it would still be wrong to talk about his scar and abuse the way some of his detractors do. and the show agrees with me! you know how i know? the only two characters to ever make fun of zuko's scar are villains in the narrative: zhao and azula. ("make fun of" might not be quite right for zhao, since what he said - "you have the scar to prove it" - is far more matter-of-fact than azula imitating him by covering her eye or "make sure they get your good side", but he's absolutely being a huge jerk about it.) other characters react to zuko's scar in all sorts of different ways, even when he's still in a villain/antagonist/anti-hero role: zuko's crew is horrified to learn how he got the scar, song sees a point of connection and tries to reach out to him, but, while i think well-intentioned, she breaks a major boundary by trying to touch his scar when he hasn't conveyed he's okay with that, jet makes assumptions about his background because of it, lee, the kid from zuko alone, asks with curious, childish naivete how he got it, only for his father to reprimand him for asking, aang reacts with annoyance/boredom to azula's ableist joke, and katara trips over her words to correct him when zuko thinks she's essentially calling him "scary to look at". not all of these interactions are positive, but the characters (all of whom are written as pretty sympathetic, even if also flawed) aren't outright trying to make fun of him for it, and the narrative never implies he deserves to be treated as less than because of it, even before his redemption.

anyway. if people don't believe in characters' (and, hell, irl people's) capacity for growth and change and don't want to have nuanced discussions about how trauma can impact these things, i mean... that's their prerogative, but i don't understand why they enjoy the show, because those are big parts of it (and not just wrt zuko.)

i know it can be frustrating, anon— trust me, i get very frustrated. but i promise you, there are plenty of people out there who a) still love zuko and his story and b) are capable of and willing to talk about things with nuance and in good faith. i'm happy to be part of that corner of fandom, and i bet you can manage to carve out a space where more people like that exist, too! <3

#fandom critical #aang critical #atla critical #a little. jic #ableism //#abuse //#atla #zuko #anonymous #asks #i didn't delve into some of the specifics of people's aggravating bad-faith takes anon bc otherwise this post would be 3x longer but trust #hate them too #also the world is not ready for my alec/zuko parallels post that i still haven't made #cross-media parallels #for reasons

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ley-med · 4 months

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Hey! I want to apologise in advance because well I'm going to cry about my life in your asks and ruin your mood. I'm a second year? First year student? I'm not sure anymore. I had my first year final exams and got my results 2 days ago. I failed anatomy. Not by just a bit but by 18 marks. People who have not studied even a single day the whole year somehow passed. I was blaming the system, the checkers and what not but my mom kinda said that your failure is your fault more than anyone else's and she's not wrong. I always dreaded studying anatomy, I hated it cuz it was hard, maybe? Idk on the other hand i scored pretty good in biochemistry and physiology. I have a month roughly to prepare for my supplementry exams that are in February and if I pass I can rejoin my batch , I'll be with my friends again. But to study alone this month feels so difficult, fomo as my friends and classmates go to clinics and OT's constantly makes me anxious. My parents are very supportive, they were very positive and that I have gotten a chance to resolve my fear. My mental health is fluctuating so bad, a moment I'm so motivated that I can do it! And the next minute I'm in pits of sadness and dispair. Idk why im sharing all this but as a fellow in medical field I hope maybe i could have a word of encouragement or maybe a reality check. My friends believe hundred percent that I'll pass and I'm hopeful too but my anxiety does not rest. If I fail I'd have to repeat the year and be with my junior batch. Thank you for listening and I'm sorry again.

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I feel your pain!

Do you know how many times I failed anatomy? Well I won't say the exact number because that's frankly embarrassing, but I'm probably on some sort of list of "worst students to ever disgrace the halls of the anatomy department"... I failed anatomy and biochemistry and had to repeat first year. Then I failed anatomy and physiology and had to retake second year too... Shit happens.

Do you know why they say med school is hard? It's because it is damn hard. Most students will fail some exams here or there, some will fail more than just a few exams, and very few will pass all of theirs. (Even those who don't study and somehow seem to always pass? Even their luck runs out sometimes). Sometimes it's unfair, and sometimes it's our fault.

Your exam results has nothing to do with how good of a doctor you will become! It's just school, nothing more, nothing less. See me, I was so bad at med school, just terrible at it, and now that I'm a doctor, I might not be the best ever out there, but I'm good at my job.

I know this sucks now, it sucks to fail, and it sucks to study again when you could be doing something else. But it's just an exam, not the end of the world. You cry, then you dry your tears, sit back, and study as hard as you can.

And there is no guarantee you will pass the next time either, passing is never ever guaranteed! You just study and hope for the best. And if you fail again, you cry some more, then realise that maybe your "study as hard as you can" wasn't really your hardest, or you realise you aren't studying effectively and you need to find a way of studying that better suits you. We all have to learn how to study...

And sometimes you just say, fuck it, and pass purely out of spite.

Anyways. Don't compare yourself to others. You live your life, not theirs. And unfortunately, yours now includes some more exams and studying... Allow yourself some time to wallow in despair, you absolutely deserve that relief, but after that, give yourself a pep talk sweetheart and get back to studying. And do something fun, and have some treats! You deserve that too!

And hey? You can do this! I believe in you, anon, you absolutely got this. Just be patient with yourself :)

#medblr #best of luck #sorry i wrote this at the crack of dawn and forgot to post it #but no im not proofreading so yeah let's hope my morning isn't too bad #anyway in the end it was all worth it #i love my job #but if i had to do this all over again?#not a chance in hell

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nothorses · 11 months

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i don't know what to do anymore. i can't take the mockery anymore. my trans sisters, brothers, and nb siblings constantly gaslighting me and telling me my abuse didn't happen, or it didn't happen because im a trans man. my rapist who told me he was doing it because im a trans man? didn't really happen. struggling with stabbing uterus pains every single day, i get told the only solution is to go off my T, and no they won't give me a hysterectomy, nor will they do any further testing of any kind bc it's obviously caused by me taking T. well that's just not real. my ex who said it was okay to abuse me because i was a man and i should be able to handle it? fake news

i. i don't know what to do. the people who are supposed to understand my pain mock me and people like me every day. they're more obsessed with vocabulary than fucking listening and i dont know what to do. because i honestly feel like killing myself is the only escape at this point. that's what everyone wants. all of the conservatives trying to genocide us, and our trans siblings chasing us towards the noose. i can't take it anymore. i don't know what to do

I'm sorry, that's truly awful. I'm sorry you don't have people in your life who are making you feel heard, and valued, and like your experiences are important and worth listening to. And I'm sorry for the impact it's having on you; I understand how devastating and isolating it can feel, and it sounds like you're dealing with so much more of it than you ever thought you'd have to handle.

There are people that care, and there are people that believe you. It can feel really overwhelming to think about all the people that don't, especially when it seems like they should, but please don't lose sight of all the people that do want to hear you, support you, and care about you.

Seek out spaces where you feel safe to talk and be heard, where you feel supported, and where you can connect with people who will help you build those support systems into your life.

They exist, they're out there, and they may just need some active effort to connect with. It's worth it, I promise. It gets better. And it's incredibly satisfying to do that in spite of all the people who want the worst for you, too; fuck those guys.

#vent ask #advice #suicide tw

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neoarchipelago · 4 months

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tw for rape and sorta mentions of suicide (just basically saying kys in context ) for those very sensitive or triggered by these!!

but like i went through all the posts i could find and they never said anything bad about non con or dubcon she said rape fics were bad- and the point of her being a “hypocrite” for writing dubcon confuses me as why would someone who didnt support that stuff write it? it doesn’t make sense to me. i understand not liking her point on the kys bit but you guys got really hung up on it and completely missed the point of it about literal rape being romanticized and used as a fetish, not noncon and the likes used as a coping mechanism. it breaks my heart to see especially from people i supported and enjoyed a lot and got me into this community supporting rape. ive dealt with lots of sexual assults and have been raped myself a few times starting from a young age and let me tell you, its horrible. me and my boyfriend do get quite rough at times and do indulge in things like noncon- something that is used to cope and can help- and it is so much different than actually being raped. if you like it rough and dirty trust me girl i completely get it but actually being raped is the most demeaning, violating, and live devastating things that can happen- not to mention the other physical side affects of it. not trying to spread hate, maybe i should be for supporting it, but im more just sad? like seeing a community im so into and my biggest comfort character ( who also has dealt with rape) supporting and defending it all just feels like a betrayal and so debilitating. so many of my safe spaces have been ruined in a physical and metaphysical sense and it just reminds me of the sa when i was a teenager and other boys on my team (i was raped and abused by multiple wrestlers as i was the only girl in the sport in a very large state wide tournament hosted by my school) joking about it and making it not serious not taking me serious and sexualizing the whole situation and thinking i was lucky for a chick. just sickening and heartbreaking to see and the worst throwback thursday ever.

Hi love. First of all, I'm truly sorry of what happened to you. No one should ever have to go through that and you are truly amazingly strong.

Thank you for sharing your point through respect and calm.

I'd like to throw you back to this essay that explains my point of view here. Of course, it's understandable if you don't accept it. I'm not here to convince anyone on this. This is sharing a point of view.

Here, hoping that you fully understand.

This will however be the last time I'll debate on this subject, further comment or anons will simply get a copy paste.

THIS CONTAINS SA , SH AND SEXUAL CONTENT, BE CAREFUL

I- dub-con, non-con and CNC kink in fiction.

A- the place of these themes in fiction and how it separated from reality.

I think the line has to be drawn. A line people seem to forget too easily. Obviously, rape is a horrible thing. This fact has never been refuted in any fics or novels or books. No writer will ever tell you, ‘rape is awesome and soooo romantic’.

Fiction is absolutely fiction. We are aware of it. There's a big difference. This obviously something readers choose to read being aware of fiction. Being aware that the real thing is horrible. Warnings and tags are always there to avoid readers unaware of it.

B- the differences with other themes

One thing I've been asked is what kind of difference writing rape is from writing dub-con or even pedophilia?

On dub-con, the line is blurred. Softer, protagonist may be in a path where the sexual action is wanted but blocked by the mind or pushed to it by the other protagonist, forcing their own need to give in. It is still seen as rape as consent is not fully given. There's not much difference from non-con. Writers usually use this tag to avoid any triggers to people.

For pedophilia, let's see this in a more details. I think we can all agree that all these themes, dub-con, CNC, non con, always involve adults. Whatever it is the kink, or in stories, it’s adults. Adults who are aware of what sex is and what this kink it. Children should never be near any of those themes. It's not about kinks anymore, children don't have kinks.

II- the reality of voicing your opinion on internet

A- SA victims and SH victims, sexual shame

Now there's something we need to talk about. Writing theses themes are used by many as a coming mechanism. SA victims may often use these writings to help the aftermath of these events in their own life.

In the kink itself it's something that obviously causes a lot of shame towards people who are not part of it. But many things need to be said. It's a need for a control of a situation that is dangerous and traumatizing. It's a sign of truth with your partner. Fiction is a way to live that fantasy in full safety as they are clearly aware of the truth of that situation in real life.

Now the thing that has started this whole conversation was the ‘don’t forget to tell rape kink writers to off themselves’.

It is not a small detail. Not at all!

This is where fiction is separated from reality. You are telling a real person to commit a real act that could lead to fatal consequences.

Obviously I think we’re all aware that many people on this website suffer from depression, self harm tendencies and bullying. I do too. Your words matter. Trust me. We’ve seen it with Inquisitor’s death while a live TikTok.

Many other tiktokers who had helped not only spread rumors but bully the creator only realized their mistake once he killed himself.

This is a no turn back situation.

Do you think you have the guts to wake up in the morning, knowing someone killed themselves because they wrote something you were against? That you are the reason they died? Their families are grieving?

You can find an article on the CNC kink here:

-https://www.choosingtherapy.com/consensual-non-consent/

B- respect even through anger

We have established one thing. The internet is a wild, free universe. Anyone can say or write or post whatever they want.

You are free to voice out your opinion, anger amongst these binary and servers. But one thing that is not ok is the way you say it.

A point doesn't need to be full of hate or threats to be said. Especially when serious consequences could be blown by it.

Everyone has their opinion, things they don't like. You are free to avoid tags, not read, block people. Protect yourself first. But attacking isn't protecting yourself. You’re simply causing another kind of harm.

People need to own up to their words and actions.

If you tell someone to kill themselves, it's horrible. It's an actual crime. A full crime.

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aroace-poly-show · 1 month

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OK so I know it isn't a vocaloid song but I've recently been thinking... and "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men is a h☆w song to me...

Like. Hear me out. It's a conversation between h☆w members trying to comfort each other

(The second lines – the "replies", I'm putting them as the other hw member I feel would work the best for that, but it could be full unit or member + vocaloid too)

I don't like walking around this old and empty house

(So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear)

So the first line could be both Emu and Tsukasa but... if u think of the Wonder Stage as a place Emu felt at home at, and the fact that now it's old, broken, in need of repairs and, most importantly, empty. Because no-one is performing there anymore and it's abandoned and closed down. So while Emu loves this place so much, it must still pain her to be there and see the state it's at

But then h☆w come and oh. there's someone actually at her side telling her it's OK to be upset over that and are willing to be with her and comfort her and fight with her for her dream. I put this as tsks because of - as i understand it - his involvement in reclaiming the Wonder stage later and him being the one encouraging hw to try again and being there for them constantly if uou get what I mean. Like he's holding their hands and saying to keep going, I'll be here with uou to support you

The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake

(It's the house telling you to close your eyes)

Hngnhhh imagine if tsukasa, aside from the normal hw night activities, has trouble falling asleep if he hears any noises at the house at night becsuse he instantly feels this anxiety rise up in him that Something happened again and that in a second he'll hear rushed steps and painful breaths and it'll be another late night hospital visit and–

Also smth about the house being so quiet u can hear these sounds and that making him feel like he's alone bc it's so silent

But then he's reassured and reminded that. It's okay now. He's not alone and there's nothing wrong (and also to take care of himself and get enough sleep hshfh) I like to imagine this line as emu because she seems like the type who would say something so sweet and also whimsical like "it's the house's lullaby!" about the creaking or smth if she ever hears him maybe complain about it on call or something

And some days I can't even dress myself

It's killing me to see you this way

OIYHHH HW RUINENE.... Nene struggling with her appearance (I imagine she has trouble looking in the mirror sometimes... especially with the hair and all... maybe its unbrushed often because she doesn't want to think about it...)

And also her being so demotivated and with so much anxiety that she switched to homeschooling and sometimes just having the same clothes for days, maybe even not dressing up at all, staying at home all day because she's too scared of going out and meeting people and being judged... especially during the worst days

And oh rui who's been there for her the whole time and who sees all this and there's nothing that pains him more than seeing his best friend like this and who doesn't know how to help much and just wishes so much he could do something to comfort and help her out yknow...

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

This is just. All of hw. They're each others' safe space and they carry and support each other when one isn't strong enough to handle their struggles and no matter what might happen, this one fact doesn't change

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back

Well, tell her that I miss our little talks

AND THEN RUI with his whole villanising himself because of all the rumours about him and what everyone around calls him, thinks about him that's made him give up shows because he's so scared of hurting someone else (im looking at u hw wonder halloween), so scared of dragging others into his mess, so scared of someone being treated wrong just because they're with him. Again. And he can't help this thinking and it's just completely freezing him

And again Nene. Who's also been there the whole time. Who remembers putting on shows together as kids and how happy they both used to be, how free rui was about his inventions and ideas, how fun it was just to talk and discuss their little plays and how she misses that. How she misses that Rui. But still she feels so guilty bc she blames herself for how he is toox and yet also wants to help him so so much too

Soon it will be over and buried with our past

HNNG.... WONDER STAGE... EMUS DREAMS AND HER GRANDPAS BASICSLLY BEING LEFT BEHIND WITH IT SHUTTINF DOWN...

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love

Again ruinene kind of... looking back on how free and unbothered and they used to be in the past but how hard and empty it is now...and how much closer they were but now there's this rift between them because of this guilt they share and self depreciation and thinking they're at fault for everything and oughdhjh....

Also something about Tsukasa's dream – and himself tbh – being more "full of life & love" when he was younger bc he remembered the reason for his purpose. And his acting being more to play and make others happy than about not failing another audition and finally succeeding and being famous. And so he was more sincerely determined. And because he didn't experience all that failure yet so he was brighter. He didn't have all those darker thoughts and broken hopes and deeply etched loneliness making him unwilling to let himself open up about his struggles and let himself be loved too

Like he's still his enthusiastic self but. It's not the same as when he was younger. Am I making sense

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right

Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear

I honestly can't decide

It could be. And this is the most fitting to me? Emu with the Wonder stage worrying if she's even right for trying to fight for it and grandpa's dream becsuse that's "not right for the business" and "stupid" and "childish" and all but then hw joining her and making her realise its not just OK, it's worth it

It could be tsukasa with his dream? And the whole "u don't have what it takes to be a star" thing making him doubt himself and if he's even right for this and what else is his purpose even and was he wrong for fighting for all of this. And then rui woukd be replying bc of whatever the ruikasa scene ure planning for main story is

Could also be ruinene and their whole thinking they don't deserve the other and were they even right to do what they did foe the other in thr past? Nene agonising over inviting rui to that troupe which ended terribly and he was just ostracised more, rui over "rubbing off" his bad reputation on nene and ruining her relationship with the troupe bc he tried to protect her. Yknow. And idk how u plan for them to deal with all that but I'm guessing emukasa somehow help so they could be the reply. Or they could be replying to each other really bc they both feel guilty but also both try to reassure the other they did nothing wrong

The chorus is mostly vibes and could be sang by all of them but

Don't listen to a word I say (Hey)

The screams all sound the same (Hey)

These are just. ALL OF THEM being Physically Unable To Talk About Their Issues and brushing off the concern of others and thinking the others have it worse and they don't need help and everything. I hate them so much

But then

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore (hey, hey)

Already covered this but. Even despite everything they're still trying to support each other however they can and slowly helping others and also letting themselves open up and accept help

You're gone, gone, gone away, I watched you disappear

All that's left is a ghost of you

EMU 👏 AND 👏 HER 👏 UNPROCESSED 👏 GRIEF 👏 and pxl and the Wonder stage being the only thing that's left of her grandpa but all that still being taken away from her and on its way to disappear too. Like a ghost she can't touch or feel and almost doesn't feel real bc of how it's almost dead

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, there's nothing we can do

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon

Just. Ruinene. And their screwed up relationship. And both thinking it can never rly be fixed bc they'll always feel too guilty themselves and like they'll just ruin it again bc they don't deserve the other and HNNDNFJKFOUTGHHJJFJHH

But still the last line makes me think like. That they'll "meet" again soon with like. Their true feelings. They'll face each other with what they really feel and learn how to mend it all and they'll focus a bit on themselves too. Learn to also let go of the other a little bit to also think about themselves and what they need too yknow. Am I making sense

Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around

TSUKASA. Tsukasa who hasn't given up on his dream as the last one. Tsukass who hopes to tell them "don't give up on your dreams yet", tsukasa whos trying to say "if you wait I'll show you it can be done" but he needs time, he just needs to succeed for once, so please hang around and I'll show you and give you your hope and dreams back (also again smth about not wanting to be left alone. "Please wait for me (don't leave)" even when he fails again and again even though they dont know that)

I'll see you when I fall asleep

This isnt anything special really its just. Hw meeting at night HAHDHAH... maybe it could work for their sekai too as a metaphor or smth...??? but anyway basically just that. They all sing it

Then the chorus just repeats and I already talked about it so... yeah...

That's it hdhshd it's been on my mind a lot I love this song and it's just so comforting when u think about hw... them all supporting each other....

I love your au so much thank uou for making it sorry for the long ass ask HASHH

i am going to explode /pos KERI THIS IS SO GOODDDD URBEDBAHBDBANA i dont have like. additions here really. this is great ty. although. something abt the “now wait wait wait for me please hang around” line and hw being Abandonment Issues: The Unit JNFKSNDKANJDJWK

#asks #hollow ☆ wonderland #long post

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risingsunresistance · 5 months

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oh fun fact . so i apparently refuse to figure out a proper combat set of . anything . but my friend gave me their unused superior armor . so im finally able to move past the first quest in crimson isles . and ive been awkwardly struggling past the other stuff . but then i hit the kuudra questline thing and . well i didn't realize how right i was abt public parties being awful</33 ppl who belong in the pit end up in the crimson isles in sb it seems</3 but literally tryna do kuudra gave me a proper stress headache which i havent had in a while</3 absolute travesty and iWillnot be joining public parties again . also did not succeed at basic tier lol

joined barbarian faction tho and am delighted by it :] most of the dojo seems p neat except speed and control but control is the absolute worst easily . granted tho i havent done speed more than once lol

got my mitts on some trophy fish and its a better fishin experience than in water imo :] hhh . am enjoying the bits of crimson isles i can do anythin with tho ! it is a rancid enough environment tho that i changed my chat to commands only godbles . then kept being confused as to why the npcs didn't respond when i clicked them lol

in other news i can solo f1 so am lookin forward to whenever my first aatrox(?) where i actually do Anything Ever will be hehe

got all the rift timecharms :] had an excellent derpy minion collection haul thing :] hurrah !

-crenshaw121

i havent done kuudra i refuse to touch public parties and me and ark cant get through it on our own. Yet.

I LOVE THE BARBARIANS I AM THE NUMBER ONE BARBARIAN SUPPORTER UGO MY BELOVED i dont remember the names of the dojo games but i like the one with arrows and the one where you stare at the skeleton <3

trophy fishing is fun for a while and then you get stuck around gold or diamond and it becomes a miserable grind jhdkfh

YAY CONGRATS ON THE F1 SOLO, look out for paul being mayor since he boosts dungeons stuff :D if you ever catch me online and wanna run some dungeons i'd be happy to if i'm not busy doing something else!! i can run up to f6 on my own, i have no idea how to do f7, and i can do m1 as well :]

ugh i need to kill the vampire t5 boss,, i should try it again. and i missed derpy my internet went out for his entire term 😭

#asks #crenshaw121 #yayyy skyblock talk yippeeeeee #i probably wont be on for long tonight i go to work at 9am tomorrow #might not get on at all actually might just watch doctor who. but i should at least get the minions

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onlyjaeyun · 1 month

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i know no one asked for this but i really don’t get why people have been saying you did CH dirty or that you‘re lazy.

i really don‘t think people understand that you are as a women with a job/occupation spending your free time writing for FREE on an app for everyone to read. like you don‘t even have to do this but still here you are with many works that i personally and a lot of other people really enjoyed.

i don‘t think they get that them thinking you did bad is relevant. like everyone has different tastes and that‘s ok if you didn‘t like it which you don‘t have to then don‘t.

but telling someone who obviously struggles with people telling them that their work, they put a lot of effort in, is bad (which i completely understand since it seem ppl don‘t know how to give proper constructive criticism) will just make everything worse.

if you have proper criticism you could nicely tell that person and that‘s it. actually considering that you post here on tumblr again for FREE and are not selling any books or wtv people have no right to criticise you at all.

i really need everyone to understand that you‘re doing this in your free time as a hobby(?) and that you have more important things in your life to do than trying to satisfy random people on the internet.

and for you babe please really don‘t get demotivated by comments like this. i can see from everything you‘ve put out that you enjoy writing and you‘re very good at it. but sometimes in situations like these it‘s better to take a break from things. i don‘t know you personally so obviously i cant and wont tell you to just stop writing but dont EVER feel bad for taking breaks or needing a few more days to post a new chapter. getting negative comments on something you genuinely enjoy doing can be the worst for someone and their mental health.

i love you baby take care <3

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!🤍 you basically wrote my thoughts down i cant lie, i could have not worded it better and agree 100%. i think a lot of readers nowadays (cough cough, younger ones) are so used to things being produced fast and in mass that they get super frustrated when you don't do something their way or to their liking and i'm like..you dont pay me a dime..you don't appreciate me at all..you see me as my content and not a regular human being with a life..go fuck yourself 😭😭

im so so so glad most of you guys arent as entitled and arrogant and demanding and rude, it's definitely so much easier when surrounef by all this love and support than this negative energy and i hope you know i appreciate you so much. thank you for your words baby i gope you have a great day 🥺🤍

#; mailbox 📬#; cold hearts

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a1z9 · 4 months

Text

(this is not my secret blog)

i can stop looking at your second blog, if it helps, or just abstaining for long periods of time, if the privacy may help. seriously.

but, in the meantime, i have some things to say about what ive seen...

thank you for sharing so much about your day and about yourself. you never talk too much, certainly not for me.

ace, i love you. and like you. there is not an iteration of me, at least that i cosign, that doesn't like any iteration of you. this whole poem we are both writing together has been upsetting and as i live through it i have a whirlwind of feelings, but when it comes to you.... you entirely...no, there is no me that doesnt like any you.

likewise, i absolutely would love nothing more than to hold you and comfort you and take care of you. i absolutely can and would, i am made for many things and loving you is something that speaks to my soul. you don't have to "make" me do anything, i would do anything for you. your heart isn't "creepy", your passion does not scare me. can't you see, i am the same? we might be in different places right now, but i am going through the same thing you are, just from a different vantage. like yin and yang we may appear in different places but, we are a compliment as much as a reflection, when the root of the surface is found.

yes, i want it. the blood and the kisses. to consume and be consumed. maybe we should wait before we succumb so fully, sure, but...i love checking off days from my calendar, if it brings me closer to embrace with you.

you are allowed to miss me...i miss you.

i do wait for you...and i will, for however long it takes, until we may finally enjoy each others company.

i hope you look at that little post i made in a desktop computer, too. phone chops it up badly.

i think if we must do this, we should find you a place to talk to me where i wont see it, too. or where i dont check often. if you like.

...

you know, you dont have to do this.

you dont have to force yourself away.

what are you so afraid of?

i promise, we can and could and will find a way.

is this all necessary?

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

some looks into my life, too...

im turning--oh, oops,

i am 27

i always knew this would be a challenging year

i have felt the weight of things i must do in the future. but i am learning to not be afraid of the dark. fear makes things worse. acceptance brings the dark in with the light, and creates harmony, through which beauty is constant. i seek to balance. i seek to demystify the dark, but to never let go of the light. i can and will harness both. i will not settle for less.

sometimes i have felt quite at peace. sometimes i feel an undulating scream that shakes the earths crust suddenly boil in my chest. sometimes it is okay, it is easy. sometimes it is not.

probation still sucks. but, i have spoken to some of the worst at the depot. they are more human now. i love everybody.

it is hard to put everything into words. i have regretted talking about our situation at all--i havent much, but nonzero. ironically, david has actually seemed to most understand, which took me by surprise. he's actually been very supportive of us, and my love for you. it is quite different, that. it has made me very happy.

im illegally downloading all the beats i ever liked. im, like, on 200/900, lol. but at least i started.

i have not been having any dreams. i may have said over my discord to you already, but, i saw 137 a lot when we were speaking everyday. after this, i only saw near-misses for a few days. now, not at all, it seems. i do not think it is dead and gone, only retreated.

i am getting more comfortable around mel, where i am acting like myself. it has been nice. sometimes he pisses me off but its okay. he insists he wants to hang out with me soon, and i think i will.

sometimes i feel, maybe i needed the space too, to work on myself, too. i do...i do feel like the right thing for me to do is to finish all that i need to. i want you in my life, and i want my mission, and i dont at all think those two things are incompatible, at all, in fact i think it could be very complimentary, only that it could go wrong if i do not maintain the balance and do everything the right way.

what even is the right way? questions like these...i appreciate i could be driven looney thinking about everything, so i have avoided it. i know that, assuming this lasts a long time, this current mode, i will need a lot of time to process it, i know that my own grief has in part been absolved by light but in part been stuffed away to some rotten corner. i try to feel you when i can, and it seems i am always interuppted, either my mind insists on defocusing or something happens irl. but i have had some moments, that have meant a lot to me, those where i felt you. i really hope you can feel me too. i dont understand why your vents seem to think i just am...that i dont love you as much. etc. i will admit that stings a little. but i understand. i just hope you know, that even when i am swirling in a way that seems to present as apathy or otherwise seems to indicate that it is all just a frivolous thing to me...that is just simply not true.

yes, this brings me a deep sadness. but i also have such a deep, deep joy, too. i carry your kiss with me everywhere. i do not think of you as some long gone lover that could have been, i do not think of you as some ghost that is quickly fading, as much as it might feel like that sometimes. even if you die, a scenario which i fully understand is a possibility, i do not think that.

i really hope you can just be, and be along me.

yes, i think we both have individual things we have to do. is it really impossible for us to have both? i dont think so.

i feel your emotions sometimes. again, it seems, always at horribly inconvenient times. work just got busy, mom or grandma are need my affection and attention and are trying to talk to me, etc, etc. the inconvenience of the timing, of course, does not feel terribly random, or surprising. it feels like a part of the process.

would you still love me if--

nevermind. i know you would. i hope you know, i would for you, quite the same.

i dedicate my days to you. i always speak of you when i pray, and when i have a rare moment where i have internal monologue. it seems i have, again, not been allowed much time or energy for that lately.

i am trying to struggle for myself. i know that is where what i do needs to come from. but dammit, all i want to do is love you, love you, love you.

i would throw it all away for you. which i know isnt the solution. but dammit. i would, i would, i would. so easily.

i hope you learn to let the sun kiss you, too.

i hope one of my kisses can find you, too.

or a million...

i have masturbated to you several times...you know, sometimes the emotional storm and mental unclarity/overpressed stupor doesnt allow for much else, but when i fall asleep and wake up, the first and last things my conscious thinks of is holding you, and as it rests and the primal is all thats left, i lust for you, i feel a demand for you.

there is nothing unpleasant about you. how dare you say otherwise! :)

you make me think of flowers and sunshines. bugs and plants. good things.

im going to try and eat, i have a long day tomorrow i should try and chill before sleeping.

yes, i want you to reach out next. maybe its just "when it feels right," it doesnt need to be an emergency. maybe its for no big reason at all. the only thing i will say is, if you reach to me through tumblr, i have tried to maintain not having tumblr app on my phone, simply because i dont want to get addicted to it, and i am trying to give you space while you say you may need it (...?)

please remember this was your idea and i am doing this for you. i say that only because i want--

oo deja vu, doubled up

trains

toys

toy trains?

anyways--

wait--

wait no--

anyways--

i say that only because i want you to be comforted that i am waiting for you, that i want you, i need you, i am trying to do what is right, but my first instinct everytime is to urge you like a whiny child to please discard all barriers and meet me immediately.

i love you ace hyde. i love you so dearly! i love you with sweetness. i love you with fervor. i love you with dizzying passion, and upright dignity, and prostrating surrender and gleeful abandon. i love you with each of my facets. you make me smile. i am eternally thankful for having met you.

i hope when you sleep that you can feel held by my embrace. do not hesitate to ask for it, from me, whenever or wherever that may be, and if it doesnt work once, do not hesitate to ask the next night, or the night after that...

i love you.

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geeksauruse · 11 months

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Heyyy! Love ya stuff! I was wonderin if I could get a matchup? I ain’t totally sure what the rules are but I’m a fem non-binary, 5’3, I got a farmers tan seein as I live an work on my family’s farm, I’m a bit muscular (not like a body builder just toned from farm work), uh I love spendin time outdoors with my horses and the cows, im not big on dressin up I mostly dress in stereotypical farmer clothes but I always got some flowers in my hair(and mud on my boots💀). My friends and family said I’m hardworkin an kind but I have the worst attitude they’ve ever seen when you hurt someone I love🤣 so uh, yeah that’s me! Thanks for readin

After carful considering i would pair you up with…

Our lovable dork Mikey!

Mikey would fall for you and you actually met because a friend of your family was hosting a wedding in New York, and they wanted you to be the flower girl!

Your family liked new yours so much that they moved your ranch out to the country and rural part of New York.

You decided to go shopping in the city, go exploring, and just have a day to yourself.

Unknowing you stayed out rather late, to the point there was Barley any sunlight.

Walking to your bus stop, you just happens to be looking quite fine in the wonderful hour of 11:24pm with your nice muscles and tan skin in your fav coloured overalls and t-shirt, the sweet white Lilly in your hair along with your flowing locks popping against the color of your hair.

The purple dragons seemed to come out of nowhere and even tho you managed to kick and break a dudes nose, you were overpowered rather quickly as there was six of them and one of you.

Luckily the turtles were in the area to hear the sound of your struggling and quickly solved your problem.

Not going to lie, your were shocked at the turtles.

So shocked you screamed bloody murder and turned on your heel to spring right into a pole.

You were out for a few hours, and the turtles decided it was best to not leave you there in case of more dangerous peope( cough* the foot.)

Any way when you woke up in the lair you were congratulated for breaking the leader of the purple dragons nose, by no there’s than the fun loving turtle in orange.

Long story short, after promising to keep the family’s secret, you became good friends with tall of them

And it is an understatement to say that you and Mikey hot it off instantly.

He loved your way of life, thought it was the coolest thing that you worked with horses and cows on a farm.

Loved your personally and how sweet you were, he also really liked that you bit back with a quip to all of his good natured jokes and sarcasm.

Loves how hardworking you are and thinks your muscles are the coolest thing ever, especially cause they insinuate that you love what you do so much.

Loves how happy farming makes you, and wants to be a part of it as much as he cans.

He wants to learn the reigns( I know, I’m hilarious)

Any way he didn’t care that you were non- binary, he totally supported that and he is totally an ally( i think he is actually pan)

Thinks it’s funny to pick you up, or do things to playfully poke at how short you a re in comparison to him.

“ how’s the weather down there”

“ does it hurt to move your neck all the way back to look up at me from down there?”

Makes horse jokes

All. The. Time.

Him:what do racing horses eat?” You:” Mikey i swear to god don’t do this. He basically looks like he’s about to choke on his laugh, looking at you in the eyes he says” fast food.”

Then he bursts out laughing for like ten minutes.

He loves youuuiiii

Thinks your amazing In all your farmer glory and you two just seemed to fit so well together, he didn’t really need to ask you out.

It was kinda just like you were always dating.

🧡🧡🧡🧡

Hope you liked it! Have a great day 😌😌😌

Please no one repost or steal thank you very much!

#tmnt michelangelo #tmnt #tmnt bayverse #tmnt 2016 #teenage mutant ninja turtles #matchups

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neoriots · 2 years

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are you still gonna consume dteam content while taking a step back from the fandom or are you completely breaking with it? just out of interest

im gonna be honest, this is a really hard question to answer. im gonna drop a cut bc i’ll probably ramble for a moment.

okay so i think for dream specifically, i don’t think i could go back to consuming his content to the level i was before like, ever. i think this was a rude slap of the rose colored glasses off my face that i can just.. never reconcile with, at least for like.. many years. i think i could stand to see him around, i think i could look at smth he’s posted and see it as i see Any person on the internet but i think that Connection with him is personally severed. i think most of that is less what Happened and more his reaction. i think it was irresponsible at best, gross and manipulative at worst.

i unfollowed his accounts, his notifications are off, i just cant let myself be part of His community that allowed a situation like this to even happen in the first place yknow? especially the reaction from the twt community at large, i just cannot support that. it disgusted me and it still Does disgust me. i think he needs to either completely step back from his community or massively rework it to fix some of the glaring issues in it because the way it runs is not healthy or normal at all anymore and i only realized that truly once i stepped back myself. i think a big part of being in his fandom Is defending him, justified or not, and i just can’t look at the past two years and the past week and do that anymore. i cant.

i think for snf i still have an attachment to them, that unless something drastically changed (god forbid.) i think i will continue to consume them but more casually than i did before. they are, as always, tied to him and its delusional to think i could completely support them and be in their fandom without being tied into dreams fandom as well. so i think i will consume their content and whatever else they do, but i wont be engaging in the fandom aspect as i did before publicly. it just seems irresponsible for me and i stand by that still.

i’ve been in the mcyt / gaming creator scene for over a decade now and it would be silly of me to act like i haven’t watched creators who did bad things in the past or even were friends with ones who did (not to drag him but markiplier is my boy and his relationship with pdp Still weighs on me sometimes—and im a rtah watcher and have been for a long time, have you seen the shit thats come out abt them every couple years? yeah.)

the truth is we don’t know these people, they are people on our screens making entertainment and you can never truly know whats going on behind the scenes and as a single person i know my opinions will never change anything so it’s stupid for me to pretend i have some moral high ground for being aware of glaring issues when theres millions who will move on in ignorant bliss of anything going on with their faves, but were watching it just the same. and its always been this way, its just easier to see the problems now with the connection social media gives us.

tldr; yes i will to an extent, but that could change as things change and develop and id be a hypocrite to act as if i wasn’t going to.

#the art of the ask #dream situation #please forgive me for this long ass rant it probably makes no sense but i hope it lays out some of my thoughts #i literally started shaking writing this and thinking abt posting it so sorry if this makes no sense

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 8 months

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TW: mentions/implied childhood abuse/trauma, but nothing in detail, medical abuse (im not 100% sure this is the correct term hhhh sorry), past suicidal thoughts (not current but incase just seeing the mention of it might be triggering for someone)

Just looking to vent abit, and maybe some reassurance I guess? Sorry in advance if this gets long, I tend to waffle when upset.

Recently got accepted for a new type of therapy with a new therapist (after continually being sent to therapists whom forced me into a type of therapy that did not help me much at all - if anything it made my mental health and the resulting suicidal tendencies at the time worse!) The therapy/new therapist itself isn't the bad part, in fact so far our first session went really well and she seems very nice and understanding/supportive so I feel positive about our future sessions and hopefully this therapy will give me some more tools to help myself get better. The session was also kinda hard because part of the type of therapy we're trying involved making a timeline of my life (including all the trauma stuff) so that we can isolate the worst areas and do target treatment on them. Ofc I understand why it was necessary to do for the future of "getting better" as a whole but I found it really hard? I've noticed since that session I'm crying a LOT more than I was prior to having the session and idk I just wanted to talk about it with....someone. (I can't talk to my parents, they're the source of the majority of said trauma but not all of it, and I feel like lately all I ever do with friends is vent and I don't want to burden them with this too, yk?)

The appointment lasted for an hour over video call which isn't really that long but it felt like going through everything took FOREVER and when I was done the therapist had to take a solid 20 seconds to almost like...buffer and process everything. When she did finally answer me, she sounded so heartbroken when she said "...sweetie do you have ANY positive memories about your childhood?" And I feel...some type of way (not really sure what to call it yet) about the fact that in the moment I really couldn't think of one, even though I at least had one loving grandparent and defo had positive memories in between the abuse from my parents. Is that...normal?

Ty for listening in advance & I hope anyone reading this is doing okay. Remember to drink water and whatnot 🫶

-🐊

Hi 🐊,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through.

Please know that it's common for survivors, especially survivors of child abuse, to have a hard time recalling positive childhood memories. For some survivors, these memories get overshadowed by trauma, and for others, they simply don't have positive memories. It's natural to feel a sense of grief over this, whichever way resonates with you.

I just want to say that if you feel that the pace of your therapy is going too fast or too deep, it's important to communicate this to your therapist so they can adjust their approach to something more comfortable for you. It's normal to have some heavy sessions, but if you find that it really weighs on you or disturbs you, consider letting your therapist know.

I hope that you can find peace and healing in your therapeutic relationship, and feel free to update us if you'd like. I hope I could help provide some clarity, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sui #tw medical abuse #🐊

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ifeltfree · 9 months

Note

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

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somehowmags · 10 months

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HAHA i guess i haven't seen enough bad takes from the fandom about leona (albeit i definitely have seen some) so i get the impression that vil is mischaracterized more often on average. regardless, ive also seen a lot of fanfic characterizing vil as this emotionally constipated and constantly nagging narcissist who is incapable of showing affection and it makes me [rat clenches fist of rage]. im aware angst often draw out the worst part of a character for the feels, which in this case is vil's strict scrutiny BUT PLELALSLELADE IM SCREAMING MY TEARS ARE ON THE FLOOR.... how are you gonna ignore the scene in chapter 6 where vil literally moves past his stern housewarden persona in order to be vil schoenheit. not the actor, not the model, not the housewarden countless students look towards as a leader-- but vil schoenheit, friend of yours and ally. all to give epel, rook, and yoy; his beloved poison apple, his beloved hunter, and his beloved prefect, a hug and kiss.?? like. kuekd emfusjbfe.??? when he literally squeals for joy after getting his youth back from malleus? when he weeps as an old man? vil schoenheit IS an emotional person! he's an actor with responsibilities on his back, he's not gonna let others see him be anything but strict when the time isn't right! but the point is that he knows when to be soft and loving ESPECIALLY after his overblot!!! 3!&!$!!$!#! he cares so deeply for each and everyone of his pomefiore students and especially those closest to him-- his method of expressing his affection isn't just limited to the occasional praise or hug and kiss, he genuinely wants the best for you when he cares and he'll support you/offer help in achieving your best self! it's not just a byproduct of his need for perfection, but to love is to grow and change and metamorphosize from the flower to the succulent apple and he can see your potential. for the man who knows what it's like to never be enough, he knows you're more than. if only you try. if only you grasped your dreams with your bare hands because god does he dream of it for you. my point is that vil is genuinely one of the most loving characters, even if his ways aren't the most conventional or he may seem harsh. he's not heartless-- though im aware his reaction towards epels moment of emotional vulnerability in the vdc rehearsal gives off said impression, he's grown and changed. i doubt current vil would be so uncaring and stern still if you expressed hurt or discomfort over an austere sentiment he's said or done. if he knows it's what you need, he probably would take a softer and kinder approach. the same water that hardens the egg, softens the potato. he can learn, or perhaps he already understands that some people reach their potential differently-- especially as someone who has lived in the entertainment industry his whole lived, he may be accustomed to the unforgiving nature of its expectations BUT HES NOT ANYMORE!!! and he knows others lead a normal life outside of it, so the same approach taken to him likely wouldn't be suited for them! he won't ever stop trying to suggest betterments for your health, appearance, and outfits but if you express different sentiments he wouldn't take to forcing them onto you!! he just wants you to live your best life, because from what he knows, it brings you gratification and he WANTS you to succeed and be satisfied! im sorry i have a lot to feel about him, i just really despise seeing people overlook the caring trait of his in favor of cheap angst. for someone who has rook as his favorite i really cannot shut my zest fest mouth up about vil <|:-( love his ass

- same anon raving about vil from earlier pt.2 except im more insane

god yeah this is so true....i think about him cheering and crying after malleus restored his youth literally every day of my life he sounds so happy and relieved!!!! had to replay the scene of him kissing rook and epel and yuu like twice to process everything bc i was so !!! at him showing emotion it was so. and like him crying as an old man is mostly played for laughs but it's also so. holy shit. (also the fact that he isn't crying because he's "ugly" but because he wanted more time to play young roles before he started doing older ones.) he's so much more open and emotional in book 6 it's like he's realized he can stop being "the fairest of them all" and just start being vil. like the ice has melted!!! he's so endearing i have gotta hit him with a 2003 toyota corolla

also no this is in character for someone whose fave is rook. this is rook behavior alksjddfhalksjfhlkasdfh he would definitely be on magicam defending vil with his LIFE

#asks #twst #vil schoenheit

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