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icharchivist · 3 years

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Sorry if this is a bit random but I'm bored and curious.

How much, out of 10, are you of each spring troupe member?

Like, based on personality, beliefs, uh how you approach things?

I'm not doing a very good job phrasing this... but I hope I made at least some sense. 😅

Feel free to ignore if you want.

ahah don't apologize!! that seems like a pretty fun ask to reply to!

and that's interesting. I adore Spring but i don't know how much i relate to all of them in general, but let's try to untangle some of it.

Just for the notes, i'd go:

Sakuya: 6/10, Masumi: 2/10, Tsuzuru 3/10, Itaru: 8/10, Citron 7/10, Chikage: 5/10

under cut because of general opinions as of why and i try to keep it vague but it may already be more infos about me than you wish to know since i, do tend to look on the more serious sides of things, so, proceed with caution.

Else if we stop there, take care :3c

(Links: Spring, Summer, Autumn , Winter ranking)

Sakuya: 6/10, probably. I think i'm rather cheerful like he can be but i also tend to neglect myself or my opinion or history and stuff so i kinda see that in his attitudes sometimes. I also really feel him on his insecurities and how those are impacted by his relationship with his family, or how much he tries to cheer up others. Mostly point deduced because he's extremely driven and motivated and he doesn't let his issues hold him down and man i wish i had this passion.

Masumi: 2/10 i guess. I don't really relate to anything with him, except maybe that he's a loner at school (though the reasons why is not something i relate about) or the fact he feels a complete disconnect from his parents. I also completely feel him on having difficulties to trust because of what his parents pulled on him when he was a kid, with the lawsuits and all. Man lawsuits leave trauma on kids who knew. I still keep the number low because those are rarely put in focus and i don't relate to the rest of Masumi much at all.

Tsuzuru: 3/10. The stuff i relate to with him is how he tends to step out to take responsibilities for others and the fact he feels like he neglected his whole life and passion by taking those responsibilities. I used to write, since i was a kid up until a few years ago when i ended up stopping because of that, so sometimes thinking about how Tsuzuru relates to that makes me sad. But between how he overcame that, or family driven he can be or no-nonsense type i don't really relate to that and he's too creative for me to relate to him.

Itaru: 8/10. Gamer boy goes brr. I think Itaru is just pretty relatable in general. The school years convincing you to not let people see who you are, the difficulties to trust people, generally having a sympathetic front ready to talk to people you don't really want to be sympathetic to, and else all of the way he relates to his passion and can just, lock himself all night playing a game and spend ways too much time ranking on gacha events. Legit sometimes when he talks i end up finding like, stuff i had said to some of my competitive gacha friends so it makes me laugh. I also almost always have my phone opened on a gacha. His way to love Kniroun is similar to how i love Final fantasy so that cracks me up (esp adding to the fact i had an Arthurian myth hyperfixation as a teen). Similarly: how he feels about merch. He's really relatable on those regards. Also i'm a terrible adult role model "au naturel" but i also constantly ends up in situation where i have to take responsibilities and not be too horrible of a role model. He also tends to see through people a little more easily than not and i can relate to that. I also sucks at physical activities. Point deduced because of his gremlin persona and how hardcore he can be about it.

Citron: 7/10 I relate a bit to how he always intends to light up the mood when he can. He also tends to use that to connect with others while also keeping distances with the things that bothers him, which is mostly the heavy stuff he carries about himself. He is forced in a situation where he has an estranged relationship with his family and a tons of responsibilities because of that and cannot do much to fix it, and the cold head he's supposed to take to deal with it is pretty chilling and relatable. I think also the way he tries to deal with things on his own and refuses to ask for help is also. yeah. He also tends to be pretty observant which helps as well. And he is also a gamer so mood. Wishful thinking but i also hope i can cheer on people as well as he does. Point deduced mostly because he's ways much more cheerful and chaotic than i am and much funnier.

Chikage: 5/10 I know tricky with how much i love him, i don't relate to him that much. But i do relate to the way he buries his feelings and pretends they're not there for exemple, or how he tries to shoulder everything on his own and not let people in or see what he needs. I relate to having a difficult relationship with your siblings although out of the gekkaboys he's not the one i relate to in term of the specifics. Oh right if what he says is true about why he resents his mother and his past (step) dad(s): huge huge relatable here. I also can't say that the fact he is uncomfortable around people who reminds him of his trauma is unrelatable. But mostly i can't relate to how cunning he can be and i struggle to tell a convincing lie on anything else even if my life depended on it. He also has like. so much more issues, Chikage please take care of yourself.

... so yeah reasons to relate to spring i guess: family issues, responsibilities and burying your feelings. I'm sure that's healthy.

and as a person i'm really centered around survival and reflection from the past so this doesn't help the prysm which which i approach those characters dlkfjDFKFDL

anyway take care o7

#may be oversharing? dljfhdjkfjd idk if this is what you had in mind #but well ^^"#ichareply #ichafantalks a3 #pandapillow

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aresfms · 4 years

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「 harry styles. cismale. he/him. 」i hope that #lexsquad member「 ARES BYERS 」adds me to the squad ! the 「 TWENTY THREE 」year old 「 FINANCE 」 major has been apart of the squad since 「 DECEMBER 2018 」and seems to be the 「 THE RECUSANT」of the group.「 ARES 」is a「 SENIOR 」 and seems to enjoy 「 BOXING AND SOCCER 」but you can always find them at a squad party , too !

listen don’t say i didn’t warn you, this is a lil long. but if you guys are interested in any connections ( scroll down to the end for some ideas ) then pls hit me up. im so ready.

okay basically i’ll do a summary in case y’all dont wanna read his SAD story. tw: domestic abuse, abandonment, alcohol abuse.

Summary: ARES BYERS, 23, SENIOR.

A finance major at LexU.

He’s currently doing both soccer and boxing, but soccer would be for his athletic scholarship. ( he has a full ride )

Boxing would definitely be like more of an anger relief thing and honestly, he defs loves soccer but he knows he can’t rely on that for a forever thing. plus he defs things boxing is good money, yknow that side hustle illegal shit

Loves art like a lot.

He visits his siblings probably every other day or whenever he can because he really is so protective of them or he’d even bring them to campus all the time even though his “ step dad” hates it.

His relationship with his mum is still super strained because she really is in denial about her toxic abusive situation with his “step dad” and hes trying to tell her hes going to get her out and she just does not want to.

His mum is an alcoholic and his stepdad is physically abusive to them like most of her past partners which is something ares has been dealing with since he was a child.

hes solely doing finance to get a good job to get his mum and siblings out of the situation theyre in now.

he wants sole custody of his 3 siblings but i mean, he needs a stable job and place to live aka finance

has 3 younger sisters who he adores.

HISTORY STUFF ( YIKES SOZ ) Its long everybody.

He was born to teenage parents who hadn’t even graduated high school yet. They had a pretty tumultuous situation and his dad really didn’t think they should have a kid, but his mum thought that it would bring them closer together and make his dad mature…. Which definitely didn’t end up happening.

once Ares was born his dad stuck around for about a year or two before basically abandoning them and offering to give up parental rights to his mum Alycia.

That’s when things basically just went downhill. It really messed with his mum, obviously she was supporting ares on her own with no support from anyone, no family and very little money, at the time she had been trying to go to school but had to give that up once she was the sole provider for Ares. And the fact that someone she thought was going to be her partner abandoned her just led her down a pretty dark path.

It was just his mum and him after this. There wasn’t a lot of stability for them. His mum for a while was the only family he had. his grandma wasn’t really very supportive of his mum having the baby and living with his dad etc and they’re relationship was quite strained too.

• By the time Ares was about 12 he was already probably mature beyond his years, his mum by then had basically gave herself up to alcohol and had some pretty bad shady boyfriends in the house. Ares would definitely still vividly remember like explosive fights between her and boyfriends where things got physical between them and even to Ares from multiple different boyfriends.

His schooling was just.. a mess he definitely repeated a grade or two because of the commotion of home life.

Regardless though he was still VERY protective of his mum even if he felt pretty abandoned by her, he was just confused why she was letting these people come around when they were better on just the two of them. But that really didn’t last long, his mum ended up having multiple other kids with different people.

So he has Maeva, Orion and Lea who are his half siblings and theyre all under 12.

I think he definitely grew up faster than most because he always felt an urge to protect his mum and his siblings now especially. he worried about them all. He was definitely an anxious kid.

• His mum ended up marrying but honestly Ares couldn’t hate his stepfather more. He would refuse and still does refuse to call him dad or stepdad because he truly thinks he’s a piece of shit. Like he knows he treats his mum like shit and hes had no problem being physical with the both of them and once ares got old enough he really did start fighting back which only made it worse.

There’s probably been multiple times where its been ares calling the police on him after he fought with his mum but as usual his mum always takes his side which honestly fucked ares up constantly but eventually as soon as he could he was working even at like 13/14 because he was desperate to save money thinking he could help his family get out of the fucking mess they were in.

His number one priority is and will always be his mum and his sisters even though deep down I think he has some kind of resentment towards his mum he’ll always love her. He just wishes that she would take his side especially against his “ step dad”

Basically though once he was about that age he realised he really needed to start focusing on school, grades and sport anything he could so he had some kind of chance to get into a good uni and get his family out of everything. Like he knew he’d need somewhere he could get a full ride since theyd never be able to afford it and somewhere still nearby so he could look after his sisters still.

His stepdad knew though that ares was working even when he wasn’t supposed to be and he really took advantage of that, he was definitely beyond lazy and ares basically always felt more of a parent to his sister than anyone else.

So basically he ended up graduating – late however he was 19 when he graduated high school because of repeats and luckily enough he got a full ride to Lexington university and he really took it within a heartbeat. He ended up choosing finance not because its anything he’s interested in but because he wanted something that would pay really well so he can support his family, but he knew he didn’t have 8 years to do medical school etc.

Personality:

he can have a shitty attitude won’t lie, like he’s very focused and set on what he wants and needs to do and he wants no one getting in the way of that.

He’s super into boxing to release a lot of the pent up anger he obviously feels and really because he wanted to know how to fight back all the assholes his mum had in his life.

He is can be extroverted and talkative but I think with the people who aren’t close to him or to people he doesn’t have a real trust in it’s probably a pretty surface level. Its never about his family or past in fact I think that part would be something very few if any people know about.

his sisters aka his pride and joy, he probs has pictures of them in his wallet.

He likes to keep things light hearted as a distraction from himself but he definitely doesn’t let people in easily.

He really tries to avoid confrontation because it’s so triggering to him but he does have a temper which is what scares him. He is like paranoid he’s going to become a product of his environment so he goes against that as much as he can but if people come for his family or anything he would lose it.

Can be aloof.

Has a hard time trusting anyone has good motives or will stick around because of much he’s been abandoned and how manipulative the people in his mums were.

He’s cynical.

He really holds onto grudges pretty easily.

His ass is pretty sarcastic and witty, a huge smart ass.

He’s not into commitment right now or he’s avoiding. Like the only examples he’s ever seen of relationships have been a mess and it’s not exactly his priority. ( but lbr  whats the fun in that. )

He tries to abstain from alcohol but he finds that pretty hard. When he does he tends to drink pretty heavily which is why he tries not to because he knows it obviously has caused his mum so much grief.

Hes an escapist.

He’s really super protective though, of the people he does have in his life I think he really wants to give those people the things he didn’t have so he overcompensates and would literally fight whatever or whoever for the people around him.

he hates authority.

•He definitely is really big into art but that’s also something really personal he doesn’t share much and he knows like that isn’t going to provide for his family which is exactly why he's done finance.

Connections:

MY FAVE PART!!!

Long lost half sibling aka the child his dad had after he abandoned him

Someone who is a super good influence on his sisters ( id die for this.. )

Strangers who found out they were hooking up with the same person then became friends or enemies. ( my man a nastie sometimes. )

A FWB someone he can mess with and end up talk a little deeply with bc they think its not serious.

ANYONE who is a kid of one of his mums exes, like someone she dated, bc whew why not.

a rebound, someone he used to try to get over his ex!!

a fucking roomie plssss :) ( or past roomie, he lived off campus for 3 years so defs room for multiples ) this person rlly saw... everything

someone who went on a couple dates/ messed around but then realised omg we’d be so much better off as friends, somoene who rlly has each others back.

ooo someone who has an unrequited crush on him

Or someone he hates but yknow someone who he has mad sexual tension with ( hate meaning they lowkey would ravage each other )

One of his close confidants, someone who is basically one of the few people he can confide in.

An “ex “ who he broke up without much explanation.

His dealer ( smh im the worst )

Some co workers that has his back.

Potentially someone he’s fought against esp someone who does boxing too. es

Someone on his soccer team.

he very into art, so potentially someone who he might connect or do that with, he defs shows stuff sometimes but VVVV rarely.

someone he maybe wasnt that close w/ but he knows from back home so they’d suspect about his home life and he just is not having the prying :)

Honestly any connections im down. THE USUAL, bestfriends, etc etc

#lex.intro #OMG guys bring me like any connections #bc all i live for. is that and drama #:)

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cvseydeidrick · 5 years

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bridget mosely, youtuber/mua ; isfp / cancer / enneagram type 3

grew up in a broken home, but refuses to be a broken person. outwardly very confident and caring, strives to be compassionate, empowering, and to inspire those around her. a tough love kinda gal who will tell you what you need to hear no matter how the truth hurts. isn't here for your drama or your bullshit, doesn't know what fake friends are - mess with this bull, and you will see horns. can put on a charming front but is hesitant when it comes to forming new relationships, absolutely has trust issues and is used to people exiting her life in a haste. oh, and her ex has some rather lude videos of her that she's terrified of being leaked somewhere so..yeah, there's that. needs: ngl, a girl squad of sorts would be cute, esp if they were fellow youtubers/influencers of sorts!! past flings and exes, including said ex-boyfriend w/ the lude content.

cooper dalton, zookeeper ; enfp / gemini / enneagram type 7

possesses probably the greatest zest for life of anyone you will ever meet. curious, enthusiastic, and fearless - would rather know a little bit about everything over being in expert in one or two things. so optimistic and up in ths clouds that he often forgets that life is more than just a sunset walk on the beach. doesn't mean to be dismissive of life's issues, but his 'hakuna matata' kind of attitude can make him seem like it's either not important or that he doesn't care. think the "i like to smile, smiling's my favorite!" scene in elf, but australian as hell. needs: HIS FOUR YOUNGER SIBLINGS (formal request to follow but please throw someone in beforehand if you have someone who will fit - they moved to the states from australia roughly 5 years ago), a plethora of friends, people he parties with, etc; some fellow zookeepers would be cute as heck as well if you have a character who needs a fun job! otherwise, exes or past things for romance would be great too!!

enzo ashby, aspiring rapper ; istj / pisces / enneagram type 5

keeper of a rusted heart of gold; the definition of a diamond in the rough, or so he'd like to think. self-reliant and innovative, a macgyver in his own right who emobodies the phrase "when there's a will, there's a way". doesn't want to rely on anyone for anything, but would take a bullet for those closest to him. quiet but strong-willed, will relish in his own successes by himself knowing that he defied the odds something or someone placed against him. has been stuck couch hopping pretty much ever since he was eighteen, and released from a juvenile detention center after a 2-year sentence for a drug possession charge. finally has some stablility (or so he hopes), living in the garage of his friend/music producer but in the back of his mind he's not sure he can count on it. needs: his music producing friend!! i've decided that while rapping is his dream, he works as a cook in a diner/restaurant so if you have a request for something like that, take him please!! he's completely open in terms of a love interest so if you'd like him please hmu xoxo other than that, he'll get along with just about any other laid back, music-minded person. extra kudos if you #smokeweedeveryday.

nadia halloway, student ; esfj / virgo / enneagram type 2

single child, spoiled sweet, taught that books come first and everything else comes last. was told from the moment she was born that she is capable of pretty much anything which has led to her being anxious as hell more often than not. a perfectionist who can't stand the idea of possibly letting down others or portraying herself as anything other than happy & thriving. constantly looking over her shoulder and hoping that she makes a good impression on anyone that she meets. inevitably has a breakdown from stress every other week, but she'll bake you apology cookies if you let her cry on your shoulder. needs: like-minded close friends that she's probably met through some sort of student organization or book club - also much more outgoing, sociable friends who will attempt to drag her out of her shell and give her boy advice!!! some exes and crushes, maybe a nice boy to distract her from the fact that she's actually really into (and also kind of afraid of) her roommate, pierce griffin.

theodore "teddy" wyatt, tech support rep ; isfj / leo / enneagram type 9

reliable, practical, and loyal, you'll never finding teddy doing a single thing that he hasn't already turned ten times over in his head. has difficulty seeing things outside of a black & white dichotomy. got the short end of the nerd stick compared to his brother - basically, not the cool one between them. loves d & d, videogames, card games, anything that requires him to be methodical and really use his brain power. definitely thinks he's smarter than you but too afraid of the repercussions of saying so out loud. probably can't look you in the eye, or get a full sentence out the first time but he means well underneath his awkward persona. needs: fellow nerd friends, whether or not they be coworkers or fellow d & d players that he's run into at a comic shop somewhere. maybe some people to pull him out of his shell (other than his brother, who he hardly listens to anyways). also, something romantic please and thank you ((( :

#throwshaderp #im on discord @ jem4420!!!#please say hello!!! : D

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addicted-to-darkness · 5 years

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Do you have any tips for getting into hardcore raiding? I wanna get into it but it seems really hard and im worried ill mess it up. Esp as a healer, thats alotta pressure

This isn’t even fashionably late anymore, I’m sorry about that! While my raid doesn’t qualify as strictly hardcore raid and more as a midcore raid, I can share what I learned in the past years of raiding since Second Coil of Bahamut.

The first thing to keep in mind is that a hardcore raid group is a very time intensive dedication. Regardless of whether it’s going to be an attempt for World First kills or First Week kills or even just pummeling all as quickly as possible, you can expect to spend a dozen hours or far more per week progressing through content (we did about 17-20 hours the fourth week just for Titan Progression) - that means you’re going to be stuck with seven other people for a very, very long time. These people should be people you get along with well and trust in their abilities. It takes some getting to know, of course, but if your gut tells you this isn’t going to work, then consider that feeling. If you can’t trust your DPS to do their job, if some of them are insufferably greedy and just look for the blame in others and not themselves, or if your tanks wipe perfectly fine clears just because they died and their parse is bad, I suggest not bothering. People will be annoyed at each other, it’s only human, but the difference is how they handle it. And especially as a healer, the synergy with the other healer in your team is essential. If you two don’t work well together, not only will it become a chore, but you both won’t play at the best of your abilities.

The second point which is incredibly important, especially as a healer, is communication. Healers which work well together, speak with each other and comment important points during a pull. I’m a Black Mage main who used to raid as White Mage in Second Coil, and the lack of communication and understanding from my cohealer on what needs to be done when was incredibly maddening. Similarly, we had to replace our White Mage two weeks into raiding this expansion because he refused to communicate with our Scholar (straight out ignored any commentary from her) and put his personal DPS over the survival of the raid (when tanks die to auto attacks, something is terribly wrong). Our current healers are both raiding on their alts and have week 1 and week 2 kills on Titan Savage and are always reaffirming if one needs help with a mechanic or if the Tumults can be solo healed by one of them. The other person won’t know what you want them to do unless you suggest it to them - but always in a respectful manner, of course. Similarly if some Black Mage parks their behind somewhere in Narnia, remind them to move their ass in for stacks and heals, because while DPS is important, without the gear benefit of clearing later, they will die. Communication is key.

The third point I can think of is to challenge youself with daily content and trust your abilities. A chance to solo heal Eden NM for clears for friends who have never done it before? Go for it. Solo healing an extreme Primal? Smack it (Innocence should be a good start since he doesn’t have healer specific mechanics). I personally am a big fan of joining learning PFs because I know these people are still getting used to the mechanics and things can go terribly wrong - and I thrive on surviving it anyway. Or if I don’t, maybe I learned, maybe I didn’t, but at least I had fun. ヽ(〃･ω･)ﾉ

Coming back to the first point, we’re all just people playing a game together. Hardcore raiding or progression is a lot of pressure, but we all make mistakes. If you fuck it up, you fuck it up - it will happen. One big difference between someone suited to hardcore raid and someone more fit for a casual or midcore approach, is how quickly you can get used to mechanics and learn from mistakes. If you haven’t understood a mechanic after dying 4 times to it, an explanation, and still don’t ask for help, then hardcore raiding isn’t for you. However, people always deserve to be treated with respect, and if someone flat out tells you to stop sucking so much or uninstall, then they don’t deserve your time. That’s not a hardcore raid attitude, that’s being a massive asshole - and with this kind of treating each other, the group is bound to break as soon as it hits the first plateau.

As for where to find these groups, party finder has a lot of recruitments up for spots in statics. Similarly, people put up their profile - I’m sure you’ve seen it around. Alternatively there is FFXIV Recruitment on Reddit. This is where we found a good part of our current static. Apparently there is Discord groups too, but I’d have to ask our Warrior for that information, if you want it. He usually handles that end of recruitment.

If you are patient, open to try out and devise new strategies, learn quickly, are communicative, and have the time for it, then there’s nothing to stop you from raiding hardcore if you want to! Remember, it’s a team effort, and these people are there to help optimizing, not degrading you. So don’t be shy~ ♥

And if they are dicks about it, I’m willing to beat them up, just point me the way (ꐦ ಠ皿ಠ )

#cuttlebooper #Ask #Final Fantasy XIV #I don't know if you would even still need this now but I wish you the best anyway~

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au-tumn-al · 6 years

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TTGC has been out for 2 weeks now and since it’s been enough time for me to stop crying and actually do the post-game stuff, I want to get all my thoughts out about it. It’ll be under a cut because it’ll be long, and I’m not sure how many of my followers are actually interested in what I have to say. Which is ofc fine, I just like talking about it and I’ve been sitting on some of this for a while.

To start off, I loved Torna ~ The Golden Country. It’s the best expansion DLC we’ll be seeing from Nintendo, and probably from most other games in general, for a while.

I like its core cast of main characters than base XC2, and I think I like it a little more than XC1’s as well. I didn’t actually like any of the characters more than my favorites from base XC2, but as a whole, they were all really likable and never felt like they were falling behind in the background. I never felt like “yeah, I like them I guess” to any of the cast members like Sharla was for me from XC1, and a pretty decent chunk of the protagonists in XC2. ...Because XC2′s cast was way too huge with too much focus on the antagonists and somehow not enough at the same time, but that’s neither here. Technically Team Hugo isn’t really as important to the story as Lora, Jin, Addam, and Mythra, but the sidequests very easily fixed that for me. All the characters were very present in the side-content so I never forgot about them. I regularly did sidequests when they popped up so it felt like a natural part of the story.

I would say that it delivered in everything that I was hoping for from a story standpoint but it really, really didn’t. One of the things I was looking forward to the most was seeing more of Amalthus and Malos’s dynamic before Malos left to start his rampage. Their relationship is only told through subtext in the core game and what we saw was interesting. Even in some of chapter 8 and 9, it almost felt like they were trying one-up the other on how much destruction they could cause. Malos’s “Amalthus, you never disappoint” line delivery even makes it sound like he was looking forward to what his driver would be throwing at Alrest.

The only thing we got from Torna about how they were initially with each other was

Malos shows up and Amalthus’s knee-jerk reaction is a deadpan “oh god, it’s this asshole” look. I enjoyed it probably more than I was meant to, but I wish we got to see more. Maybe it was a little unrealistic to expect it, but considering how much of the story depends on their relationship with each other, was it really?

Another thing I was hoping for was more backstory for Minoth. I wanted to know if he knew Malos (which was actually answered though, so that was nice) since they shared a driver, and I really wanted to know how he ended up becoming a flesh eater. Judicium was already destroyed by the time TTGC rolled around and we barely went into what a flesh eater even was, so that was lame. That said though, the game did go into his relationship with Amalthus and it told us all that was really important, on top of giving us some other stuff I wasn’t expecting (a North American wild west motif, Spanish, a weapon deadass called “gunknife”, and Elma’s specials except more stylized) so you certainly won’t hear me complaining. I loved what we got with Minoth even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, and I think he’s great.

Another thing that I was expecting was for Malos to have more screentime. He was heavily advertised so I think I’m justified in expecting this. There wasn’t necessarily anything about Malos I wanted expanded upon, I just wanted to see him more since he makes everything about a billion times more entertaining just by being there. He completely stole the show in every cutscene he was in and I loved every second of it. He was kicking everyone’s asses in his first boss fight and even won, but I was loving his script, animation, and voice acting far too much to care.

there was a nice little detail to his animation too

After he punches the ground for the Monado Cyclone(?), you can see him shaking his hand off because like damn, that probably hurt. ,,,I just liked it. Don’t ask me why.

He’s probably the main reason I only play in English to be honest. His voice actor sells the script and character so perfectly. I seriously don’t know if I’d like Malos as much as I do if he was played by someone else. He might be the only Xenoblade character other than maybe Shulk and Lin that I can say this about.

and his monologue to the party right after his first boss fight where he says “they see the divine flame of life and piss all over it” while sauntering away was actually the best scene in the game. We didn’t see as much of Malos as I would have wanted, but every scene we did get was the best so like with Minoth, I can’t complain. I love this man. He’s the most entertaining sack of shit I’ve ever had the pleasure of enjoying.

My ruined expectations and Malos aside, what the game actually gave us was so good, I can’t even complain about the things I wanted to see because they gave us plenty of stuff I didn’t know I wanted. The two biggest ones, for me anyway, are Mythra and Addam.

I had no idea that TTGC would flesh her out the way they did, and I am not disappointed. Mythra was amazing in TTGC, and really made me appreciate her and her character arc in the base game a lot more. I loved how generally unbearable and unlikable they made her. She’s completely self-absorbed and full of herself, and just overall extremely similar to Malos. The way the game handles her attitude was really well done too. Because the other characters are constantly calling her out for her bad behavior (esp. Jin and Brighid. Lora chips in too sometimes) and lack of awareness on top of being the verbal punching bag and the butt of a lot of the jokes in the game, she’s not obnoxious to the player. She could have been really annoying, but she wasn’t. On the topic of the jokes though, I laughed at more of TTGC’s comedy. They relied less on anime tropes and were more character focused, which are usually the jokes I like more. The game felt a lot more like XC1 in that aspect, and that was really great.

Moving on, I loved Addam. He was my favorite character in the game. Making him act like Mythra’s dad was something I wasn’t expecting and I loved it. I have a pretty big post in my drafts where I talk about him extensively so that should go up at some point. It’s mostly about how he’s a really good foil to Rex and how he failed as a driver rather than about his pretty fabulous dynamic with Mythra (even if he ended up rejecting her as his blade, he did accept her as person for him to take care of, and he did everything he could in that area) though. Oh, and because there’s no way to shoehorn this in that Addam post, I want to bring something up. I don’t know if there’s any good footage of this (if there is, please send it to me so I can edit it in), but there’s a post battle conversation between Mythra and Lora that goes kind of like this:

Mythra: “Hey, Lora, what do you do when the going gets tough?”

Lora: “Just think about the people I care about.”

Mythra: “Think of loved ones, huh?”

Lora: “Yeah. If I do that, I’m usually grinning like an idiot.”

Now, let’s look at Mythra when she’s at one of her lowest. She’s scared and feels alone. Malos is attacking her with everything he’s got, and she’s is looking for anything to hold on to. ...You see where I’m going with this.

She flashes to memories of her friends, and thinks of both Addam and Milton specifically. The thing is though, for all she knows, Milton could be dead from Malos’s initial attack, and Addam is doing everything he can to hold her back from fully transforming into Pneuma because of his distrust and fear of her. Mythra trying to think of all her loved ones wasn’t enough, and then all she got was a confusing vision of a person she’d never met before. She’s completely alone, confused, and hurt, and she doesn’t have anything there to ground her. That’s when she breaks down in tears, and then starts sinking Torna in a daze because she can’t control her power.

...on a more positive note, two of the visions she gets of Rex is of him accepting her in chapter 7.

So that was finding comfort in a loved one, but it was just too soon. Like Jin told her, her true driver and real time to come as her own as a person wasn’t in Torna. It certainly didn’t help at the time, though.

At that point in chapter 7, she was in a similarly low state as she was in TTGC, except she had Rex that time, and then was fully able to achieve her full power as an Aegis. It should be noted Mythra’s “I just...want...to save...” line was apparently horribly translated, and the original was more along the lines of her begging for someone to save her. That’s what I hear anyway and I can believe it. It makes more sense that way.

Good God, was this a great expansion. It was already pretty fantastic with just its setting and premise alone, but it does an even better job in making me appreciate a lot of the scenes in XC2. Even the already-amazing scene in chapter 7. sPEAKING OF ALREADY AMAZING SCENES MADE BETTER BY TTGC

Rex: “I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore... Did...did I go wrong somewhere...?”

This is one of my favorite Mythra scenes in the entire game, TTGC included. It’s so small but it’s so good. I don’t think I even need to explain why this is made better by TTGC.

XC2 is very loud, and unabashedly anime, but it has quiet scenes like this and dammit, are they the best parts of the game. I think they’re even made better by the fact XC2′s tone is generally so upbeat and anime.

I said this before, but TTGC didn’t tell us anything new. We already knew pretty much all of the events of the game before it came out. Maybe we were missing a few details, but in the end, we knew how things were going to go down. Mythra becoming a much more interesting character because of the expansion pass just by being able to see her growth just shows how important the “show, don’t tell” rule is.

I love Haze a lot. I hate how she’s a third wheel in Team Lora, I hate how Addam and Jin are the only people who really pay any attention to her, and I hate even more that no one hugs her when she’s crying at the end of the game.

oh yeah, Lora and Jin were the main characters. They weren’t very interesting to me (Lora barely had an arc and all of Jin’s intricacies mostly come from the base game) so I don’t have a lot to say about them other than I really liked them. The ending would have completely broke me if the game forced me to watch Lora die so I don’t even care that it was left out.

People consider the lyrics of “A Moment of Eternity” a message from Lora to Jin but I like to pretend that it’s Addam to Mythra because it’s less depressing that way. The singer is encouraging their loved one to find someone to help them move on and if it was to Jin, that meant that Lora’s last wish for him never happened. He met Malos and then

but seriously though, it could be both. The song ties in pretty well to “One Last You”, and that was very obviously from Pneuma about Rex. It was probably supposed to be up to interpretation anyway. ...a little off-topic, but there’s a line in the song that goes “time flowed differently for us/not to say it was all bad” and then there’s a scene where Addam talks about how he doesn’t have enough time to adapt to Mythra so...idk, maybe that’s something? I mean, Lora got 17 years with Jin, so she didn’t exactly have the short one year Addam had with Mythra.

i’m done now.

Half of this was me gushing about Mythra. I don’t even care because I loved her. Please forgive any of the obvious signs that I didn’t spend very long proofreading this thanks--

#personal #xenoblade chronicles 2 #torna spoilers #this is a long-ass post lmao

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sillyfudgemonkeys · 5 years

Note

I was wondering Thoughts on Sakamoto and Kitagawa?

Under the cut cause it got a bit long

Ryuji: Really good in the first dungeon and CoOp. A bit of a loudmouth but has great values imo (kinda gets screwed in his CoOp, why is the MC letting him get beat up???? Why do his stupid teammates still feel the need to beat him up???Like what the hell????).

After that.....I get really sour (also I hate his anime adaptation, really fudged up his characterization in the 1st dungeon, he is NOT lecherous towards Anne or any girl during that dungeon, in fact he is downright HORRIFIED of everything in that dungeon). I really love his dedication to the MC (like as a friend he’s just such a great bro), but...well....I like how he was willing to almost get hit by a car to save Makoto (he was annoyed but considering the stupid stuff she was doing it was understandable).....and I’d say I liked how he was willing to help Anne with her “stalker” problem but....he just seemed like he almost didn’t want to be bothered in that scene despite her fears (and knowing what she just went through).....his carefree attitude in that scene left a bad taste in my mouth, esp when he even questions her after looking at Yusuke (who cares what he looks like, he’s been following her for like what? a week? of course only the MC knows this if you talk to her but like she has every right to be worried and he just is so ‘whatever’ with the situation, like he still has her back but his attitude felt like such a 180 slap in the fact just following the first dungeon, and nothing Anne did warranted that annoyance).

He gets screwed by the writing a lot, like he’s the butt of a joke he doesn’t deserve, or gets beat up for no reason and that’s just.....bad. But he also does some not so great things with the girls, which makes it extra worse considering this is post-dungeon 1..... I like the guy but....I really do question some of Atlus’ writing with him. ;w; Ryuji’s writing deserved better

Yusuke: I hate him. Probably my 3rd most hated (Goro’s right behind him), probably cause, unlike Goro, Yusuke provides absolutely nothing with his skill. Plus I hate his super blunt attitude, just cause “he’s just blunt” doesn’t mean he can be an asshole. I especially hate it when he uses it with his friends. But back to Yusuke being useless (and tbh I actually kinda feel bad Atlus just....forgot about him it feels like). He’s one of the worst tiers in terms of gameplay (he might be better than Goro), and I mean not endgame gameplay (cause by that point everyone is OP and a team structure shouldn’t matter). He’s out damaged by Anne and Ryuji (or even Haru), he has no buff for Ice, Ice isn’t as common as Frei/Fire/Thunder, just cause he has a strength stat doesn’t cover Ryu’s power charge+swift strike/bad beat/other abilities (this is stuff that’s been tested by the gameplay meta scene I’m just the messenger). His agility boost isn’t nearly as good as a defense/attack boost or defense/attack debuff (because att/def is ALWAYS 50% increase/decrease, while the agility it’s only a 50% CHANCE of helping with crits....so it’s not even guaranteed). Plus Mona is a better crit player than Yusuke and he also has healing. Anne/Makoto synergize well with Makoto’s defense buff and Anne’s attack debuff, and Anne/Ryuji(or Haru) just deal more damage.

That’s just gameplay, what about Yusuke’s actually artist skills? How does that help the PT (I know skill cards, but that’s gameplay, I mean story, and it’s not like they couldn’t do something else with the skill cards I mean P3P/4G didn’t have an artist and they did just fine)? That’s right, it doesn’t. The only time it helps is that one specific puzzle with telling which is the real Sayuri, which is just process of elimination and you have to fight if you get it wrong so it doesn’t matter. He did the thief logo? Well thanks I hate it, sure it’s stylish but Ryuji’s matched better with the cheesy PT genre more (and gdi what do you hate what makes the PT genre good Atlus? ;w; Ryuji’s logo is really the only thing PT in this game I swear). But despite how I feel about the design, it doesn’t do anything useful. Oh but the Shido ship thing right? His big moment? Yeah no still doesn’t do anything, actually he opens his big fat dumb mouth and says another assholery thing, and they get mad at us and fight iirc. His art didn’t stop us from having to fight the mini boss, he just prolonged us getting to that fight (actually on Anne and Haru got their letters from their mini bosses without having to fight them, I mean we were still forced to fight cause P5 sucks like that, but they are the only ones on the team who got their letters using their special skills aka femme fatal and business relations/financial back person (even tho she didn’t back them financially missed opportunity) whatever thing. basically that ‘shining moment’ of his isn’t so shining when he couldn’t even avoid a fight....and there’s really no reason to fight them....it leaves no impact! sorry I have an issue with that part of the dungeon).

I know some people will say he’s (one of) the “level headed” character of the group, but it wasn’t like Anne or Ryuji were going off the rails..... esp in dungeon 2 (I mean I do love how all of them worked together), and it’s not like Mona isn’t there. Tbh I think he could’ve been, I think if Makoto never came along he could’ve been that character, and I think he did a much better job esp since we actually were all utilizing our teammates in dungeon 2. But in the end that didn’t happen....and thus he doesn’t really provide that to the table.

I also don’t like how he blackmailed the team. Well no, mostly the contents of his blackmail (btw I dislike all the characters who blackmailed the team inb4 someone says “what about” yes yes I dislike them too ok?) Like listen. MC/Ryu were not trespassing until he revoked his invitation to them (aka after he said to never come back there again and Ryuji said “nah we’re coming back” and Yusuke was about to call the police....Yusuke has every right under the law, at THAT moment those two boys were trespassing). The SECOND (ironically it look almost a second for him to switch too) he said he wouldn’t do it as long as Anne nude modeled for him....that’s when it blackmail/extortion and he lost the high ground (and while it led to the funniest scene in the game, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth that Atlus has him 1) stalk Anne and then 2) rope her into his blackmail to get her to nude model for him after the events of dungeon 1). And I know, “Yusuke didn’t know about their record” blah blah, who cares? No one wants the police called on them to begin with. (sorry just a weird counter argument I’ve seen and that annoys me)

I also hate his CoOp, I know what they were going for at the end but like....he had the perfect deal.... “I don’t want to have my work be tainted by money but I need money to live.” and then the deal is like “we’ll give you money regardless, we just want you to live so you can make art but really no pressure it’s all in good faith” and it’s like/????? so perfect???? And he says no????? The boy is gonna starve to death I’m not joking (also I really hate those jokes, more than the Protein and meat ones from P3/4....they are worse imo). I also just don’t care about his relationship with Madarame, it might be because I blame Yusuke for derailing Madarame as a villain. I found Madarame more interesting when it was just about his ideology and exploiting people, but as soon as he was like “I let your mom die Yusuke” it felt like it became all about that and....yeah....

And ok, I know I just shit all over Yusuke for like 5 paragraphs (btw this is just my opinion/personal thoughts on the guy, I’m not the word of god and you can still like him, I’m just being honest with how I feel), but tbh...the game did him dirty too. Gameplay wise, screentime wise. Just everything. I’m sorry Yusuke fans the game did you and your boy dirty. Yusuke deserved better.

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frolwriting · 6 years

Text

Asylum Part 1

Hey guys! I’m so sorry I’m getting this out late! I worked yesterday and didn’t have my chapter on fan fiction done, so I had to do that today on top of homework. This is here though! I hope you guys enjoy the chapter!

Fandom: Supernatural

Series: A Whole New World

Episode: Asylum

Warnings: few cuss words, talk of death, mental institution,

_______________________________________________________________________

After the case at the old Winchester house, the boys started treating me better. Sam and I grew closer than ever since he found out I liked to geek out as much as he does. Dean knows I never forget his pie, so he likes me as well. That case has been the best thing to happen since I've met these guys. At the moment, we are sitting in a motel room. Dean was reading John's journal, while Sam was talking to their friend, Caleb.

"No, Dad was in California last we heard from him. We just thought...he comes to you for 'munitions...maybe you've seen him in the last few weeks. Just, call us if you hear anything." Sam says. There was a pause. "Thanks." Sam hung up the phone.

"Caleb hasn't heard from him?" Dean asks.

"Nope and neither has Jefferson or Pastor Jim. What about the journal? Any leads in there?"

"No, same as last time I looked. Nothing I can make out...I love the guy, but I swear, he writes like friggin' Yoda." I let out a chuckle.

"You know, maybe we should call the Feds. File a missing person's."

"We've talked about this. Dad's be pissed if we put the Feds on his tail."

"I don't care anymore." It's been really hard to not tell them I saw John at Missouri's. I want to tell him he's okay. I want to tell them that he was so close to them. I want to tell them they will be getting a phone call from him soon. Dean's phone starts to ring. He heads over to his duffel bag. "After all that happened back in Kansas, I mean...he should've been there, Dean." He was, but I can't tell them that. "You said so yourself. You tried to call him and...nothing."

"I know!" Dean says as he struggles to find his phone. "Where the hell is my cellphone?"

"You know, he could be dead for all we know."

"Don't say that! He's not dead! He's-he's..."

"He's what? He's hiding? He's busy?" Sam is getting frustrated and angry. I probably would be if I was in there position. Dean finally finds his phone.

"Huh, I don't believe it." Dean says quietly.

"What?" Sam and I ask.

"Its, uh...It's a text message. It's coordinates." Dean then grabs Sam's laptop and searches the coordinates.

"You think Dad was texting us?"

"He's given us coordinates before." I say.

"The man can barely work a toaster, guys."

"Sam, it's good news! It means he's okay, or alive at least." Dean says happily.

"Well, was there a number on the caller ID?"

"Nah, it said 'unknown'."

"Well, where do the coordinates point?" I ask.

"That's the interesting part. Rockford, Illinois." Oh, I think I know what this case is.

"Ok, and that's interesting how?" Sam asks.

"I checked the local Rockford paper. Take a look at this." He says flipping the laptop around for me and Sam to see. I was correct on what we are about to do. We are about to go to an asylum.

"This cop, Walter Kelly, comes home from his shift, shoots his wife, then puts the gun in his mouth, blows his brains out. Earlier that night, Kelly and his partner responded to a call at the Roosevelt Asylum."

"Okay, I'm not following. What has this have to do with us?" Sam asks.

"Dad earmarked the same asylum in the journal. Let's see..." Dean says as he opens John's journal. "Here." Dean says showing us the page from the journal. "Seven unconfirmed sightings, two deaths-till last week at least. I think this is where he wants us to go." Sam snorted.

"This is a job...Dad wants us to work a job." Sam says crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well, maybe we'll meet up with him? Maybe he's there?"

"Maybe he's not? I mean, he could be sending us there, by ourselves, to hunt this thing."

"Who cares! If he wants us there, it's good enough for me!"

"This doesn't strike you as weird? The texting? The coordinates?"

"Sam! Dad's telling us to go somewhere, we're going." Sam makes a face and sighs.

"I agree with Dean. Even if we're not meeting with John, we're still going to take out some evil."

"Exactly, Sam. Come on. We need to pack up and go." We packed up and hopped into the Impala. The first place we go to is a bar, where we are told Kelly's partner hangs out. I go to the bar and order a virgin drink and wait for the boys to do their thing. I hear an argument and know that Sam is getting on the cop's good side. Dean walks over to me. "A virgin drink, really Kate."

"I don't drink, and you know that Dean." I said. This drink is so good.

"One of these days, I'm going to get you to drink a good drink." After a while, Sam walked over to us, and we head back out to the Impala. "Shoved me kinda hard in there, buddy boy." Dean says to Sam.

"I had to sell it, didn't I? It's method acting." Sam says.

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

"What'd you find out from Gunderson?" Dean asks.

"So, Walter Kelly was a good cop. Head of his class, even-keeled. He had a bright future ahead of him."

"What about at home?"

"He and his wife had a few fights, like everybody, but he was mostly smooth sailing. They were even talking about having kids."

"Alright, so either Kelly had some deep-seated crazy waiting to burst out, or something else did it to him."

"Right." Sam says.

"What'd Gunderson tell you about the asylum?"

"A lot." After that, we were ready to head to the asylum. We got there, and the guys had to help me climb the fence. Dean had gone first to catch me on the other side. Sam helped me climb since he is taller than Dean. Sam climbs over, and we head inside. This place is scarier than it looked on the television. "So apparently the cops chased the kids here...into the south wing." Sam said pointing to a sign over a door saying the south wing.

"South wing, huh? Wait a second." Dean says as he pulls out John's journal. "1972: three kids broke into the south wing, only one survived. Way he tells it, one of his friends went nuts and started lighting up the place."

"So whatever's going on, the south wing is the heart of it." I say.

"But if the kids are spelunking the asylum, why aren't there a ton more deaths?" Dean asks. Sam goes over to a broken chain that was on the south wing door. "Looks like the doors are usually chained. Could've been chained up for years."

"Yeah, to keep people out, or to keep something in." We look at each other, and Sam opens the door. We walk into the hallway and kept on the lookout.

"Let me know if you see any dead people, Haley Joel." Dean says.

"Dude, enough." Sam says.

"I'm serious. You got to be careful, all right? Ghosts are attracted to that whole ESP thing you got going on." Does that include whatever is going on with me?

"I told you, it's not ESP! I just have strange vibes sometimes. Weird dreams." Me and Dean exchange looks. We don't believe a word he is saying right now.

"Yeah, whatever. Don't ask, don't tell." Dean says as we continue down the hallway.

"You get any reading on that thing or not?" Sam asks.

"Nope. If course, it doesn't mean no one's home."

"Spirits can't appear during certain hours of the day." I say.

"Yeah, the freaks come out at night." Dean says.

"Yeah." Sam says.

"Hey Kate, who do you think is the hotter psychic: Patricia Arquette, Jennifer Love Hewitt, or Sam?" Dean asks turning to me. Sam pushes Dean, who laughs.

"I don't go for females, so I'm going to have to go with none of the above." I say jokingly.

"Hey!" Sam says faking being hurt. This caused Dean to start laughing harder.

"Alright, Sam you're the hottest of the list." I say nudging him. "Mainly because I like your hair."

"I'm not going to let you braid my hair, Kate." I snapped my finger.

"Darn it. One of these days I'm going to braid that hair Sam Winchester." We continued down the hallway until we came into a room with an operating table in it.

"Man." Dean says as he whistles. "Man, electro-shock, lobotomies, they did some twisted stuff to these people. Kind of like my man Jack in Cuckoo's Nest." Dean turned to us and made crazy eyes. I laughed. Sam just ignored him. That was odd. Sam usually rolls his eyes, scoffs, or rarely gives a chuckle. We look around some more in the room. "So, what do you think? Ghosts possessing people?"

"Maybe, or maybe it's more like Amityville or the Shining."

"Spirits driving them insane. Kind of like my man Jack in the shining." Dean says.

"Dean, Kate." We look at Sam. "When are we going to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Dean asks.

"About the fact Dad's not here." Sam says.

"Oh, I see. How about...never." Dean says as he goes back to whatever he was doing.

"I'm being serious, man. He sent us here..."

"So am I, Sam. Look, he sent us here, he obviously wants us here. We'll pick up the search later."

"It doesn't matter what he wants."

"See, that attitude? Right there? That is why I always get the extra cookie."

"Dad could be in trouble. We should be looking for him. We deserve some answers, Dean. I mean, this is our family we're talking about."

"I understand that, Sam, but he's given us an order."

"So what, we got to always follow Dad's orders?" I'm getting flashbacks to what will happen in season five. This is the reason they're chosen to be Michael's and Lucifer's vessels. I wonder how I'm going to fit in with that..

"Of course we do." I don't want to be a part of this fight. Sam looks frustrated. Dean turns away. After a while, Dean picks up a sign. "'Sanford Ellicott'...You know what we got to do. We got to find out more about the south wing. See if something happened here." Dean says. He handed it to Sam. Sam looks down of it looking slightly angry. I chuckle and follow Dean out of the asylum. We go back to the motel room and research as much as we can about this Doctor Ellicott.

"Check this out." I say looking at Sam. He comes over and looks at my laptop screen. "There's a psychiatrist named Dr. James Ellicott." Sam goes over to his computer and looks up James's information.

"He is actually the son of our Sanford Ellicott." Sam says. "Good job, Kate."

"Thanks." I say. Sam picks up his phone and starts dialing a phone number.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm going to get an appointment with Dr. Ellicott." He called the place and made an appointment for this afternoon. I was really surprised he got an appointment so early. Dean came in with our lunch. Sam explained what the plan was to Sam. After lunch, Sam and Dean take off to the office for Sam's appointment. I decided to stay back and do some researching.

#supernatural #spn #supernatural imagine #a whole new world #sam x reader #dean x reader #its gonna be sam

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chokobananya · 7 years

Text

(Translation) B-PASS - January 2016 OLDCODEX (Interview 1, Part Two)

PLEASE READ Reposting Guidelines HERE. I do my translations for free and the payment I only expect is PROPER CREDITS.

Disclaimers for this interview:

-This interview is probably the longest interview that I’ve translated. This is the first interview of the band in this issue. There is a second interview and a Q&A remaining which will be translated soon.

-They used a lot of figurative speech in this interview. Expect to have a lot of Translator Notes (T/N) every time.

-They call their fans, “Audience” so I quote the word “Audience” if they refer to the fans and type the usual one as audience for the people who are not necessarily fans but went to their live performances.

-This is INTERVIEW 1, but I will be posting this in two parts because it is very long.

Part One can be found HERE.

Interview 1: The Scenery which only the two of them sees, and a talk about the past experiences which have made them to be what they are now (Part Two of Two)

Q: For the people who have never listened to OLDCODEX, is it because there is a painter in the band? Or is it because you have grabbed the chances of singing anime theme songs? We think that there are still prejudices like these.

YORKE: I don’t really care [about those prejudices] at all. Watch the live, as we say. This is because we have strong feelings to convey. Whatever happens, we always do our best and that will never change. If we don’t give up those feelings, we will be able to send our message and feelings. I believe that these feelings we have are overwhelmingly strong.

Ta_2: Public image is something that is in our hands so we think carefully on how to approach people in order to change their image to us positively. In a way, I feel thankful that there are nemeses around us. This is why I never get tired of everything I do for OLDCODEX. I give my whole soul in everything yet I don’t know how something will end up. For example, when I got into a magazine, my mind got messed up while thinking about those people who stereotype our band. I would like to surprise them and tell them that “we are this kind of band”. I’ve always wanted to do that (laughs).

YORKE: There’s one thing about being stereotyped: Ta_2 also works as a voice actor, right? I get annoyed whenever they think of us as a seiyuu band or recognize Ta_2 alone. I know Ta_2 does his jobs with pride. As for me, they refer me as “Oh, there’s a painter” or “That blond with a bad attitude” (laughs).

Ta_2: The feelings are mutual. I know since I watch what YORKE does. There are people who deny his style of live painting without even understanding it so I can feel his rage (laughs). In my case, I just always think that I have an extraordinary job.

YORKE: Ta_2 himself has changed. He is able to make two faces in a good way. (T/N: Two faces most likely mean the attitude or personality he shows depending on the person he talks, esp. both on his VA jobs and his band activities). Actually, Ta_2 used to tell me, “Let’s create a band that only the two of us can do!” Seeing Ta_2 being able to be coexist [with me in the band] is amazing. This is because it is tricky to do two different things at the same time. Specifically, activities where either there’s a script that is read or does everything from scratch (T/N: The former probably talk about the VA jobs and the latter talks about music). This is why I have to do better as an artist. In spite of this, I’ve always been curious on why we never got annoyed at something at the same time (laughs).

Q: So are you at the point where you stop caring about what people say about you? (laughs)

YORKE: Being dissed isn’t something I take negatively. Rather, I learn something important from it. Ta_2 and I are similar when it comes to this, aren’t we? There’s a video where I was sitting with my feet on the sofa during an interview. People commented, “That blond guy has a bad attitude”. I am like that naturally so I wasn’t conscious about it. It was a waste [of time] to be embarrassed after being misunderstood. After that, I decided to approach that in a different point of view: I realized that I have to be more cautious and careful next time.

Q: For YORKE, the reason of joining OLDCODEX is because of writing the lyrics as well. Missing a main composer, Ta_2 has also worked on compositions for years.

YORKE: I started writing lyrics from “Catalrhythm”. At first, I had the same feeling [about writing lyrics] as when I paint. But unknowingly, I encountered a lot of new words. That’s when I realized that I need to face these words I am learning in order to express what I want to say about OLDCODEX. I still need to get into writing lyrics. As we wanted to speed up our activities (T/N: he used “speed” in English, in this case he wants to increase their activities), there has been an increase of our releases in a short amount of time that’s why sometimes we feel the need to rush to catch up. I don’t even think of spilling some paint when I write lyrics because painting is something that I can always do. I can gain experience in writing lyrics and how it is done. The more I get experiences, the more I am able to write. There are still things that I want to convey so I want to continue writing. Also, seeing how we respond to each other: where Ta_2 creates songs and I write the lyrics, the process of making music together is fun. Finally, during the recording, Ta_2 suddenly told me to sing some parts of our song, “reel”. After hearing the song, I realized that it was almost me who was singing (laughs). It’s interesting to have a catch ball-like game with Ta_2 as it feels like it changes every time I catch it (T/N: He used “catch ball” in terms on how they respond to one another).

Ta_2: For me, the change in making songs was really huge. I was able to obtain a lot of things from making them. I guess it was because of having more challenges in facing myself. While I make songs, I think in a certain way. For example, when I notice things I don’t like on the song, I’ll rather change or let it remain for a while as I might like it later. I am able to see a lot of things. There are times that I suddenly have the feeling of changing a song. The more I make songs, the more I find it fun, especially when I try to figure out if I am being honest to myself or not.

Q: Weren’t you honest?

Ta_2: Without knowing, I built a wall, or an armor in my head. I could honestly put everything into songs but as time went by, I had this desire of putting my overflowing emotions which affects the music [I create]. Although I know that I’m not the type of person who “wipes someone’s rear” (T/N: conforming to others), I realized that I wasn’t being honest to myself during those times.

Q: Maybe your desire to be honest on your music is strong.

Ta_2: That’s right, because the honesty of our predecessors in making music is in my heart. I had to think about these people in order to pursue the things they were able to do. Of course, the way and manner of expressing myself will be original and different from theirs.

Q: Now that we’re on the last part of this interview, we would like you to tell us your experiences in OLDCODEX with YORKE being a member for 5 years and Ta_2 being there since the formation (6 years).

YORKE: It was that time when I was heading to OLDCODEX with my full power. With that power, I had this feeling that I had to support the kind of life I’m choosing for the sake of the future. Recently, there has been a retrospect of the things I did and I am trying to praise my past self because of that. This is often happening lately. Before, I was very negative and thought that I could do more. I often try to console myself not to give up. Now that I’ve let these thoughts out by looking back at them, there are times that I shed tears about it. It feels like something isn’t enough yet. Although, isn’t it cute that we’re still trying to be cool about it? (laughs) Ta_2 is also the same. We shouldn’t forget how he tries to be cool about this kind of feeling. No matter how long it has passed, [remembering] the embarrassing past is just alright. At that time, we were really doing our best and it’s something that we couldn’t laugh about. We would become empty if we didn’t take ourselves seriously especially that we were living on the edge. However, for the past five years, we were able to build ourselves up with our body and blood. This is something that I can say with confidence. It is exciting to look forward to our future. Perhaps, these are the things that are worth sharing in a magazine where we are featured today.

Ta_2: So, now that we’re featured in a magazine, I wonder why we are still trying to act so cool (laughs).

YORKE: But [past experiences] were a different way of trying to be cool (laughs).

Ta_2: There might be people who’ll think that there was something wrong before (laughs).

YORKE: I think there’s no problem with that.

Ta_2: At that time, we were just doing our best.

Q: Go on.

YORKE: Yes, yes. If I were alone in all of these, I wouldn’t have been able to reveal myself this much. The challenges had also increased. Before, I used to care less on everything I made. There was even a time where I was always wearing the same jeans which I considered my battle outfit. I wore them always to the point that they were already getting ripped. Now, thanks to Ta_2 that I already know how to value clothes (laughs). Since I decided to join OLDCODEX, this group has totally made me fully express myself. The feelings for the things I got through this band got real, so I wasn’t afraid about the things that I lost. Although there were regrets, I slowly threw them away. The only important things are the ones which remained. Compared to the resolution [for the future] which I did 5 years ago, my resolution now is much stronger. It’s on a level where I even ask myself a lot if I’m really prepared (laughs). But during that time, I was really doing my best yet the way I prepared for this was so little that time. I hope I’ll feel the same way five years from now. (T/N: He’s most likely pointing out improvement especially towards his resolutions, or goals in life as part of the band).

Q: That resolution which you are talking about: is it a resolution that you’re going to lose or throw on purpose?

YORKE: I think it’s both. Also, it’s a resolution where I am ready to face my new self which I was afraid of. I was scared of becoming famous as I wasn’t really interested. When the invitation to become a band member came, an adult whom I trusted told me advices yet I didn’t listen. However, seeing Ta_2 being a part of the band made me thought that it is possible for us to be together. Recently, my ability to stand alone as OLDCODEX’s YORKE has become stronger. This is why I am looking forward on how we are going to make it.

Ta_2: When I started as OLDCODEX, it started to feel like my [figurative] handcuffs were slowly getting removed. If I try to put it in simple words, it’s more of a “Goodbye, weak self. Hello, strong self” feeling. Then, it’s becoming common to us seeing people who refused us. It’s as if there’s a question mark written all over their faces (laughs). They’re like, “The rules we do here are more important”. They think that there is a need to adapt in the rules of the society and when you couldn’t conform, there are these kinds of reactions. That’s why we have music, the most important thing [to us] is always inside of us. So far, we have been trying to balance our lives in spite of being surrounded by a lot of people. Thinking about these circumstances, I think that it is difficult to impress people unless they are crazy (T/N: used いかれてる) (laughs). Therefore, I would like to go deeper into places which I haven’t seen yet. Surely, there are things that I still don’t know. Even though I make “such things” like songs, those “such things” are going to be the topic that I’ll always talk about. I think there’s something more and deeper than that. This seems to be a greediness or only thinking of getting good things, and people around me might think how troublesome I am (laughs).

YORKE: But isn’t [being troublesome] better? (laughs).

Ta_2: It’s okay [for you] since we’re partners (laughs). OLDCODEX can’t be done without the two troublesome members after all (laughs).

YORKE: I used to calculate the circumference rate by chance alone (T/N: 円周率 literally means “circumference rate” or “pi”. He’ll be explaining the figurative sentence on the next question!). Thinking that someday, there is a possibility for me to be somewhere—probably when I reach 30. I’ve been trying to do this faster with Ta_2, but I don’t think I’ll find the answer (laughs).

Q: What do you mean by “circumference rate”?

YORKE: Until now, mathematicians still try to calculate the exact number of the circumference rate. Earlier, Ta_2 mentions those “such things” that he want to know deeper. That’s correct. As for the “circumference ratio” that I mentioned, even though we can all derive it [to 3.14], there is still something more to it.

Ta_2: If you calculate while thinking that the theory of relativity is perfect and then Higgs’ new discoveries come out, you have to rework on calculating the formula. (T/N: LOL they are talking about science XD)

YORKE: I think that being able to carry on the research by calculating formulas involving that theory is something that can make [me] happy, because there is still a continuation. When I paint a picture, there’s this feeling where I tremble every time an artwork I draw comes to an end. End seems to be inevitable. We fear this and I am honestly afraid to see something ends. However, the two of us still search for more answers together, whether these answers exist or not.

(Interview 2 will be translated soon!)

#suzuki tatsuhisa #yorke #oldcodex #magazine #translations: chokobananya #seiyuu #声優 #鈴木達央

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theroadfromustome · 5 years

Text

Mile 78

Yikes it has been over a month since I have updated here. In fact, a month and a half. Gotta get on that--esp. as reflection and processing would very likely benefit me on a regular basis. Stopping (at work again) to document the disquiet I currently feel bc I want to capture it in the moment.

Lots of things have happened; P has happened. He has been a focus of my waking hours; I have been the inhabitant of his embrace and the recipient of his letters when he has been overseas. He has met my son, and is completely charming him. He is beginning the process of sincere, long-term investment in the both of us. This of course stirs my heart in the best of ways, but also I think frightens me on some level. Things have shifted into high gear, and with that my attitude and anxiety have shifted as well.

In the space of time since last I wrote, P and I went on our first excursion together; to D.C. overnight to determine if we could travel together. I experienced the first of his migraines; and had one of my earliest attacks of the inadequacy cycle. I cried in his arms and explained all my fears and he held me and combated them as best he knew how. That time it was: This is a swanky hotel and this is the way he lives all the time. I have never stayed in hotel this nice and this is normal to him. He lives such a sophisticated life; he is a wealthy worldly genius. What does he want with me?

Then, he went to Turkey for a week for work, and wrote while he was gone of course. When he came back I met his parents for the first time; and the second attack of inadequacy hit. My mother was also present; in all of her family drama glory (I said recently that I felt my family was rather like the Bennetts, to which he chuckled and said that was not entirely inaccurate). After this encounter, which admittedly was not exactly a cozy one-on-one chat, his mother was noncommittal when asked about me. This time it was: His mother doesn’t like me. Maybe it’s because I come with so much bloody baggage. Like the fact that I’m still legally married or the fact that I’m going to be a divorcee or my mother’s drama which makes us a family of kooks (are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?!). Again, dear P rallied, dried my tears, and told me that he would choose me over his family if it came to it. And that his mom might just be nervous.

September rolled in and he asked to meet my son. We had the most charming afternoon/evening in which he was everything a woman hopes a man will be to her son and more. He devoted himself to son’s amusement, backed up my disciplinary judgements, and I got to experience the sublime pleasure of having a second adult invested in the care and welfare of my child. There was also the pleasure of being allies in the cause. As I say, son is as besotted as I am. Since, he has made a great many shows of sincere interest and vested concern for son’s well-being. And spoiled him some too, of course.

The next weekend was the sublime weekend when we got to go to NYC. On the train up I got to see him in work mode; which was mildly intimidating, I admit. Not that I didn’t know how brilliant and capable he is. I worked on applications at the same time, and he got to witness that involved process and the level of emotional investment and lack of confidence that entails. To him, surely I make mountains out of molehills; though he never said that, bless him. He was supportive but distracted by work of course. Upon arrival in NYC I felt less of a dolt/child/whathaveyou, and was better accustomed this time to the swankiness of the hotel. We met his cousins, one of whom is one of the few other people who he can be open with and can spend excesses of time with without feeling drained. They are both intelligent and capable and totally kickass; esp cousin A, who is astoundingly intelligent and gives absolutely no fucks. She’s also gorgeous. And P clearly feels a great affinity for her; rather I imagine as I am with certain friends of mine--we just buzz together. And I’m not gonna lie; there were flickers of jealousy--nothing severe, just a smidge of...”wouldn’t he prefer to keep that sort of company.” They can also talk math and computer stuff together, so that... Overall, I am not cosmopolitan and my intelligence is...? Also, I feel like I spend a lot of time talking about James Madison and slavery; gotta get some new material. Anywho, we also did other museums, saw Hamilton (which was indescribably good, and super romantic to share with him) ate fantastic food, met other friends, and generally just had a wonderful time. I think I made a good impression on all friends and family in question, generally pleasant if somewhat dim next to the cousins. I think it was a turning point in the relationship for him; and he definitely felt what he calls “romantic flutterings,” which are a big deal for him.

He left from NYC to go to Turkey for another week of work, and his first night back was all one could wish in the way of romantic reunion. In this wash of emotion, we crossed the love threshold, I told him I loved him, he said “I think I love you too,” because the way he processes is different. This is a BIG ASS deal of course, and part of me is panicking bc certainly this cannot be true, and if it is, how can I know I won’t screw it up? Etc. etc. And indeed may already be sabotaging things. This I want to explore. Then he came to dinner with the whole family! And was a champ about it, but of course this shook my confidence. So this major declaration has come out, and then three days later he’s off to Texas for a few days of work. While he was gone I felt out of sorts, and professionally had a week...well, that doesn’t exactly make you proud of yourself. While I was idling and not being a full adult (mind you, had a sick day with son), he was at day-long conferences for this job that he does well, which interests and challenges him, and in which he is greatly valued and demanded. I do envy that, but also was suddenly struck with a sick sense of worthlessness (you can hear it in the way I phrased that last even). What am I even doing? And look he is capable and adult and excelling and making shittons of money. He has everything under control, all his shit sorted out, the world at his command. And I...?

So that happened; fortunately he only had to experience this insecure moping through text, but I know it is a super unpleasant thing to behold; and it is that old cycle of wanting him to tell me it’s all going to be ok, that I am worthy. Which is not fair to him, nor healthy for me, and I really need to conquer it. Anywho, flash forward to last night, when I had dinner with his family; parents included, and cousin A. Also a family friend from childhood who is six years younger than I am, studying to be a copyeditor, was def. in with mom, and baked a perfect batch of snickerdoodles. (You see how I am wallowing in this? It really just gets to choking me. And I thought I’d made progress. But it is this familiar sick burning sensation in my chest.) The whole family; they’re so effing brilliant and accomplished--what the hell is he doing messing with me? He and cousin A did their genius banter, and I felt the same as I feel now--lump in the throat, tears in my eyes, sense of utter self-loathing; worthlessness. I see them together and I think, surely that’s what he wants in a partner? Someone who is as genius as he himself. How long until he sees me and sees a burdensome dolt? And the expiration date starts flashing again. And I’m trying to be stoic and tell myself that if this isn’t meant to be, it isn’t meant to be. But it yes, will still hurt. And that sick voice says ‘maybe you should back away now,’ and ‘if you end things how will that affect your son?’ I’m frightened I’ve made the wrong decision. What if I can never cope with the gulf between us in capability, intelligence, etc. Have I swapped one inequality for another? Is this strum und drang God trying to tell me this is unhealthy and I need to get out? But this man is so good, the best man I have ever known, surely I must pursue this. Surely this is worth working at. And God knows I don’t want to hurt him because I’ve made poor decisions; I’ve rushed in before I was healthy enough to cope.

And is this all because I put a name on it? Because I admitted that I love him? I’ve raised the stakes and now I’m terrified on some irrational level? He held me and let me cry, talked through things with me, tried to get me to explain what I was afraid of; told me he didn’t need his partner to be as smart as he was, that that’s not what he wants of me. He says “this wouldn’t work if you were dumb, I admit.” He says “I want to be with you because you are kind and take care of me and help me figure out things and we can have fun together.” He seems to think that the way I treat him, care for him, accept and work with him is singular, but certainly it is not. I don’t understand how there are not dozens of women lining up to love him because he is wonderful. So, so wonderful. And God help me, I do love him. I do want him to be happy. But I begin to worry that I am a burden to him. That I’m becoming someone who does drain him. At lows like this I am nothing but my weaknesses; and I sense how unhealthy this is. I don’t want to be plying these underhand tactics; I want to be strong enough to face this head on myself and end this feeling. But it is undeniably true that I am scared; that a voice in me keeps telling me that any second now my behavior is going to scare him off; that he’s going to get annoyed with me and that will be that. I cannot change who I am; I am working on this, truly. He says “you don’t bother me. You don’t have to change.” But some part of my mania can’t believe him. Some part of my mania thinks “yes, you do need to change. Noone wants someone like this. He loves the best strongest version of you. Not the one who whines and mewls about how much she sucks.”

Philosophically I know I need to be strong and kick this thing myself. And it is very familiar; this other woman who seems infinitely better equipped than I, spends time with a man I adore, I spiral into this self-hate fest and then make myself the kind of gargoyle that of course drives him away; makes him want to spend more time with the other woman. This is not because of any actions on his part. So disheartening to see how little progress I have made. And what is the answer? This is bigger than just this thing, clearly. Also a stumbling block to us, which is something I want to get past because I want this to be the good that it can be. But again; this all came after we crossed that major threshold. WHAT is at the root of this and how can I fix it? Nothing else changed. It’s not like he wasn’t brilliant before, not like our jobs or duties changed in any way--”I’m as fair as a I was erwhile.” Yet I act as though a timer has been started; a fuse that is going to end with him walking away. Not that these flutters of inadequacy have not come up before; see earlier in this post.

I don’t like this Sam I am. And I want to be done with it. I will not ruin this. However, I cannot be blind to warning signs. <--Stated for the record. Going to see DD this week to sort through some of this stuff; hopefully some answers. Hmmm...

Is this just the job search? Will I feel better when I get an “adult” job that is fulfilling/challenging to me? (Note: maybe I ought to teach afterall, if I’m going to be miserable and stressed anyway...) Is this because I’ve pushed too far too fast? Am I being honest with myself/him? Has this become unequal and how can I level the playing field? Questions. Questions. Questions.

Unrelated but notable: Was clumsy and told J about P inadvertently. At least now that’s done with but I do feel like a heel. And I hate what he is going through right now. Hope I’ve made the right decision in the end. But really I don’t think that was fully healthy for me. Of course it appears that I am good at making situations unhealthy... Hm....

#I have two fists #and the love of God #I can beat this thing and love this man as he deserves #and myself a little too

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rorywritesstuff · 7 years

Text

Thoughts on ‘Lion’

It’s been a while since I wrote at length about a film, but Lion really got me thinking and not many people I know have seen it, so this seems like the best solution. I’ll write for as long as I can without spoiling anything but at some point I’ll have to give away plot details, so I’ll mark that.

I didn’t like this film. I didn’t hate it: it’s not offensive, but it is boring. There’s a lot of skill on display, especially from the actors and the cinematographer but ultimately that can’t counteract the film’s flaws.

My main problem is one of balance and of structure. The film opens with a long section (nearly fifty minutes) of how Saroo, the main character, gets separated from his family in India and eventually gets adopted by a couple in Australia. I missed almost all of the dialogue in this part of the film because it’s spoken in various languages native to India and the version of the film I was watching had only Japanese subtitles. Still, I found it very powerful. This section is the best in the film, telling its story with intense emotionality and absolutely beautiful mise-en-scene. Although I didn’t catch all the specifics of this part of the film, I understood almost everything that was happening. It was some really brilliant film-making.

Then the film switches its focus to adult Saroo and things take a turn for the worse. The director stated he didn’t want to use flashbacks to tell the story, preferring a linear approach. I think this was the wrong decision: we are told that the two Saroos are the same character and while we might understand that intellectually, emotionally the two dots don’t really connect. The character is presented as almost entirely different in appearance, accent and attitude. We are meant to take his Australian identity for granted but it’s never properly established- he is just suddenly okay with his new milieu. Because we spend so long with him in India, it makes it very hard to accept this change.

Since it’s his conflicting identities that provide much of the drama for the film, this makes a lot of the ensuing scenes fall flat. It doesn’t help that the script indulges in a lot of clichés and, worse, feels the need to tell us a lot of what happens instead of showing. When Saroo suddenly becomes once more concerned for his Indian family, after a chance encounter with some native cuisine, he begins to turn his back on everything he has worked to establish in Australia. This would be fine except that it’s never established if Saroo had been repressing memories that have only now resurfaced or if he just spontaneously started caring because of a sweet treat. On top of this, we don’t see much of what Saroo is supposedly losing: for example, we’re told he quits his job but we didn’t know he had a job until then. This moment can’t have impact if it hinges on him losing something we didn’t know he valued.

The timeline and locations also become confusing at this point- he’s shown living in Melbourne in 2012 (AKA the best location and date combination ever) but his parents live in Tasmania. And then suddenly he lives down the street from his parents, to the point where they can come around whenever they feel like. Also, his girlfriend, who’s from America and whom he meets when she’s studying in Melbourne, also suddenly lives on Tasmania but not with him. I accept they might have moved, but they need to actually establish that in the script.

Speaking of his girlfriend, Rooney Mara is criminally wasted. She gets one good line calling Saroo out on his behaviour and is then relegated to the odd supportive comment. Much like her living arrangements (see above), her motivation is all over the place. It felt like she was rather unnecessary to the entire enterprise apart from to participate in some truly bizarre bedroom scenes. Interestingly, these scenes were apparently so integral to this story of lost family and native identity that they take up two thirds of the poster.

I found the dialogue lacking in most of the film- it’s full of clichés like ‘I’m lost’ and ‘I will always love you’ and there’s very little wit or invention. At first, Saroo is established to be a playful joker but after two scenes that’s thrown away and never mentioned again, which is a pity because a few more laughs could have helped with some of the scenes that lagged. I think of Philomena, another film about literally searching for family, which ultimately held together much better because it’s script was genuinely funny.

I feel the screenplay also hews too close to what happened in real life, something I don’t like about films based on true stories. I understand that people want to know what actually happened but real life often doesn’t translate well to screen. There’s a lot of stuff that goes nowhere (the most obvious example being the exploits of Saroo’s adopted brother, Mantosh) and although I’m sure it felt important to the real Saroo (upon whose book this film is based), it isn’t necessary on screen. Life is messy and unfocussed and that doesn’t look good when you’re trying to tell a narrative. Once more, I turn to Philomena, which resurrected a woman who’d been long dead by the time the story takes place so that they could have a wonderfully cathartic scene of forgiveness.

One more minor complaint but the score to the film is one of the most intrusive and basely manipulative I have heard in a long time. It repeats itself a lot and is just obnoxious at certain points. At times, they use music from Bollywood movies and this provides a much more sonorous soundtrack, but those moments are too few and far between.

And now I have to get to the part of the review featuring spoilers; if you haven’t seen the film and don’t want to know what happens, stop reading here.

The film has been pitched as the story of a man who uses Google Earth to find his family. I take issue with that wording. He does, indeed, find his family on Google Earth but not really by ‘using’ it. He does, for a while, try and implement Google Earth in his search but then he gives up on that. Afterwards, he is randomly scrolling on GE and happens to spot something he recognises- a rock formation. How he would have any idea what this rock formation would look from a satellite is anyone’s guess. But the point stands that this is not him ‘using’ Google Earth to find his family. He explicitly gives up. He did not intend, when he started haphazardly scrolling across the vast vistas of India, to come across this location. It just happens. In another screenplay, this would be called lazy, but since it’s a true story, I guess we can let it slide (although, personally, I would then have liked an acknowledgement of the incredible, mind-boggling improbability of this turn of events.)

I was also disappointed with the visuals of the Google sections of the film, as well. I was hoping for something vast and abstract, maybe showing Dev Patel planted within the images he was viewing, trying to match up what he remembered with what he was seeing. I also thought it would also have been nice to see adult Saroo interacting with his memories more, and the ending flirts with this but ultimately decides to stick with an extremely literal presentation of events. While that does have the effect of further grounding the story, it steals away some potentially heart-breaking and beautifully visual reunion scenes. There is one neat visual, of Saroo slowly scrolling out of the map, so that the earth grows smaller and smaller and the neat row of pins he has placed stay the same, until they seem to dwarf the planet, representing the utterly colossal nature of his task. However, this visual comes far too late in the search to really help us lock onto its meaning and also he then almost immediately gets the answer through dumb luck (see above). The screenwriter apparently said he was worried about showing ‘screens on screens’ but thought that they’d found an inherently cinematic way around this. He is wrong. It’s mostly just Dev Patel clicking.

The ‘tell don’t show’ rule is in force in some of the most important scenes in the film: a big deal is made of Saroo not telling his adopted mother about his search for his lost family, it takes up a lot of screen time and dominates a good portion of the film, and then we never see the moment when he actually tells her. We see a scene a few minutes later, but not the reveal itself. The same is true for the ending; the most established relationship in the India portion of the film is between Saroo and his brother, Guddu. When Saroo returns to India, it transpires that his brother is dead, and was in fact killed by a train the night Saroo got separated from his family. The last piece of information is only revealed in the end credits, when I think a scene actually showing what happened would have been a lot more powerful.

Speaking of the ending, I think this is why this film got so much attention. It’s an extremely powerful moment: Saroo returns to his village and finds his mother, who never gave up hope that he would return. However, I think most of the power comes from imagining this scene in real life, which does inspire a feeling of near-elegiac euphoria, but not because of anything the film itself has done. On the other hand, I have to praise Priyanka Bose, the actress who plays Kamla, Saroo’s mother. Nicole Kidman and Dev Patel got Oscar nominations for this film, but I really feel she’s the one who shines at the end, conveying a depth of emotion that radiates off the screen and onto the audience. She is wonderful.

Finally, the title of the film is stupid. It’s explained at the very end but it has nothing to do with anything- they could have stuck with the name of the real Saroo’s memoir (‘A Long Way Home’) and it would have made more sense and been more memorable in regards to the content of the film.

Ultimately, Lion is a story that could have been very, very engaging but its script lets it down. The direction is strong, especially in the early scenes and the actors are good and tell, at least in theory, a story that is strong. I wish that a less faithful-to-life, more streamlined screenplay could have been used and some more arresting visuals were deployed during the Google and memory sequences. As it is, I think the film often falls flat and feels manipulative.

#Lion #Lion movie #lion (2016)#dev patel #rooney mara #nicole kidman #priyanka bose #a long way home #review #film review #film criticism #movie review #Oscars

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messykarma · 7 years

Text

Prostitute

You make me sick

I don’t hate your friends, I hate you

Attention seeking

Pathetic

Motormouth

Shameful

Everything that comes from you is wrong

Chatterbox

Disappointment

Crocodile tears (i.e. fake tears because I’m not allowed/have no right to be sad)

Bitchy/bitch

Parasite

Devil

Useless (bugger)

Stupid

Idiot

I’m going to kill you. I would rather sit in a jail cell

All you want to do is fuck boys

Did you have sex with [boy’s name]

Why aren’t you happy, you have no right not to be

Stop ‘showing your face’

Attitude problems

Embarrassment

Dumb

Just like your [biological] mother/like mother, like daughter [as in I’m going to get pregnant at 17 and shit like that]

Having you was a mistake (I.e. shouldn’t have adopted me)

Why are you always thinking about boys? [not allowed to make mistakes/forget]

Stop crying, I haven’t even hit you yet

If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about

Wait until we go home, you want to show your attitude in public? Fine

Me: “can I go to a party?” Mum: “why do you want to go. The answer is no. Are you pregnant?!”

Wearing your hair down? Attention seeker, think it’ll attract boys? I’ll cut it off [pair of scissors in hands, holding hair up]

You’re never happy, fine *threat* [showing an emotion other than happiness/not talking all the time]

“all you want to do is party, party party, party girl. All the high achievers aren’t party girls” [only asked to go to 3 parties, was allowed 1 this year]

I can’t wait until you’re out of this house. You were always so eager to get out of here. I’ll be free [you want to live with Aunt? Fine, go]

*general baseless assumptions followed by a threat or insult*

Why is your head always in the clouds. Something is wrong, are you watching porn? Is there a boy in your life? Wait until I find out, you better stop whatever it is

“All you want to do is havoc” (wanting to hang out with my friends - esp bc I’m leaving)

Throws a lot of shit at me. Anything in her hands.

Not good enough

All your spare time should be spent revising, every second.

Me: *cries because of something that hurt my feelings*

Her: *screams more and louder* “crocodile tears” “this is why your father and I are fed up with you, we can’t even talk to you without you shedding crocodile tears”

I’ll ‘piak’ (hit/cane) you

*You’re not welcome to come back home

You have no parents

[Money leech]

Only care about yourself*

- after saying no to lunch with them in favour of my friends that I don’t live with

I wouldn’t care about what you do if you got 100%, but you don’t

Why not 100%? [should be on the same level as the highest student.. same teacher]

*generally disregards all and any feelings or actions etc. that isn’t applicable or never happened to her* [her truths must be the truth]

I will kill you (after taking her knife momentarily to cut some cheese she asked me to grate for her - however she needed to use it for the pastry and it had ripped a little)

I will use this knife (bc of above)

I don’t care if I go to jail (one that came up with use recently but this one she used to say all the time when she would hit me when I was younger - I used to think she was going to kill me and I literally [even now] panic and have trouble breathing)

*the moment she realises I took the knife*: you BITCH Wait until Y12 is over you move out

Why do you always want to see [friend who is a girl], are you lesbian? If you are, get out. Go to [her] house, see if her family even wants you

(I don’t go to the same school as her and we almost never see each other)

All you want to do is lie down and read, go and be a prostitute. What has reading ever helped you with?

At the end of this year you can go find your [biological] mother. I know you treat me this poorly bc I am not your real mother

What has made you hate me and this family so much

No one will want you if you can’t cook/aren’t smart etc [many things that blend into a single feeling that drives a negative feeling already there]

You think because you’re adopted you can do whatever you want? ... I can do whatever I want [to you]

“go to [friend’s name]’s house, get lost. Marry her dad isn’t that what you want? GET OUT”

*constantly accuses me of being pregnant* (funny how I’ve never even touched a boy or had a boy be interested in me at the same time I’ve been interested in them huh) and I never pop out a baby oh well

I’ve been looking for your mother, you can go live with her [if you hate being here so much]

The other day she got mad I went into my room and didn’t help after dinner and yelled at me all the way into the kitchen. Then just before we got there she got so mad she used her dish cloth in her hands and whipped it repeatedly at my face and body. The first one got me in the throat and wrapped around it and I choked and couldn’t breathe for a couple secs. Then she got me in my left eye and repeat hits on my body.

All you do is chat chat chat and play games (as in I should abide by her no contact with friends [but it’s ok if she asks to ask them something and gets angry when I don’t know something about them that she wants to know...]

You know [the article is right] the results are not accurate, your school does so well but for what? [you are doing poorly] there are those bad ones that drag the school down [referring to me] (Context: I go to a 100% academically selective high school that is top of my state and one of the top of Australia) --> this one my mind is able to be logical about despite how hurt I still am at it... if everyone in a school gets 90-100 and there are a couple that get 80, relative to the rest of the state etc. the ones who get 80 aren’t bad, however also because everything’s relative they’re ‘doing the worst’ etc.

Used to constantly say that I belonged in a ‘lesser’ school because I’m not achieving high enough [as in I don’t belong at my prestigious school] (mad regrets for actually getting and striving for straight As when I was younger...)

Used to rant about me not getting a job etc. even though I wanted one and as soon as I get one she finds more things (some job related) to get mad at me for etc.

[After ball - the equivalent of senior prom - obviously, I danced at ball] “all you want to do is party, all you [can] do is dance dance dance. You want to be an escort? Mark my words you will never succeed. Fine be an escort just don’t tell me”

People make mistakes. You are the biggest mistake.

Me: “Mum my friend’s mum said I was pretty”

Mum: *laughs hysterically*

Me: “Mum my friend today said my ears were nice”

Mum: “What? Why would she say that... probably to cover something up. How are your ears nice when they look like ‘this’.” *does a weird gesture with her ears*

Why do I still let myself get affected? Why can’t I be like my brother who seems to ignore her plus he gets hit less? Idk... possibly bc I still respect her despite her thinking I have no respect for her... just a hypothesis. Do I owe her everything for taking me out of a 3rd world country... am I ungrateful? I deserve this...?

Talked to my dad and he says that he and my eldest brother had it worse etc. so basically he said: your quality of life is better and if we didn’t hit you, you would’ve become a drug user so you shouldn’t be unhappy and should be grateful. (Funny how the very thing I should be grateful for is what pointed me in the direction of them...)

My sister in law literally told me that her fam hit her too but she’s never seen anything like what she saw happening to me lol. She remembers an incident where apparently mum was going real hard and beating me, she said my mum’s a little [crazy]. Don’t really remember that since all the incidents kinda blurr together.

And then rarely, after, (at night) she’ll come into my room with a soft voice and be like “we just want you to do well” etc. and then I’ll feel so fucking confused and guilty for ever talking shit about her or for any negative thought I’ve had about any of the shit that happened to me. I mean, do I deserve it? I did kinda cause all of it...

It’s scary sometimes to interact with her bc you never know when she’ll snap. It’s terrifying when she has this certain look on her face - the one where you know you’ll be hurt.

I hate how she always tells and yells at me to go back to my birth mother. A cruel reminder she doesn’t want me anymore and no one does - that I’m not really apart of this family.

I really wish they would be happy and proud because of me but even if that would magically happen (already a legal adult) I’m so fucked it up I would never know how to react or process it.

Bonus:

*complains that I don’t have a job*

*complains when I do have a job*

(Odd jobs is fine yet forced me to back out of an anniversary server odd job)

*complains that I don’t read enough*

*complains that all I do is read ‘stupid books’*

#personal #things my mum has said to me #m #mum

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theroadfromustome · 5 years

Text

Mile 76

Ok, at the office ostensibly to work, and God knows I need the money, but I feel like I need to take a little bit of time to sift through a whole heap of shit that has happened. And, as I cannot afford or schedule therapy right now, I need to get this out and mull it over somehow.

Ok soooo since I last wrote...

J came to visit. (This was just over a month ago.) We took a day and bashed around my part of town; played games, it felt more like we were investing in what I wanted to do. He was also sensitive, considerate, and we didn’t really have much time where his health or other factors tanked the conversation or invoked dead air. Very promising. I did show him my bedroom, in all its glory, and I fear I pushed intimacy there too far. Exceedingly foolish on my part. He was sweet and went along, and enjoyed himself I’m sure, but in hind sight--that was a NO. He says he’s following my lead wrt sex, but I wonder if he really wants to go that far. I get the sense that sexual enjoyment is something he wants to provide as a gift/service, and he thinks well enough of me to want to do so. He was also affectionate and moderately cuddly, more so than he has been before. He met my mom, and gets points for being sweet and charming to her. (He knows where stepdad is btw, but I was not brave enough to tell him why.) He also offered that we invite her to dinner so she not feel left out--points there. But ALSO, the discussion about it was nice and co-conspiratory and felt good--we were partners in crime making this decision. That was nice, and not the only time such had happened that day. And, when I got too intimate in the bedroom and cried, he held me and listened. An infinitely good man. But I’m still not sure he considers me precious enough to build something long term--he cares for me I know, he’s attracted to me of course, but am I precious to him? Unknown. I know this: we did not end up taking mom to dinner, and while there had as open a conversation as we ever have. I tried to explain to him that when he stops actively pursuing it confuses and unsettles me; that the radio silence is really bad for my anxiety. He showed me a glimpse of his broken heart, talked about his breakup with his previous lady, and took my hands and said, in the most tender heartfelt of voices “I want to do right by you.” Perhaps the closest thing to a legit declaration I have ever gotten from him, bc he is so careful and reserved. It was amazingly touching, and I thought, good, this is a directive, something to go on. He really REALLY has the best of hearts. But THEN...he didn’t pursue that. His job is eating him alive right now I know. But there has been weeks of almost entirely radio silence--to his credit he has made some small convo which I know is him making an effort, and a mark of affection. He has finally resolved to get out of this abusive job, which is great. And perhaps on the other side of that he could be able to be available to me in the way I need, even on a slow burn. The trouble is that in that radio silence and disconnect...

P stepped in. P, who I thought just wanted to be friends. P, who I have said in the past feels far safer than J, for whom I haven’t (until nowish) had to tell myself to lower the stakes with. P, who I have raced forward with at a rate that is incredibly foolish in the course of about a month. So he’s got some neuroatypicalities and trauma, I think, from past negative experiences. He uses words like “frigid” and “robotic,” and has hangups about physical stuff. So he was giving me mixed signals bc he wasn’t sure if he had the courage to pursue anything romantic with me. But, when pressed, he was most complimentary and we messaged until 4AM. We set up a proper date, in which he taught me self defense, and I taught him swing dance. He is a natural and brilliant and supportive teacher. I’m not exactly kicking butt any time soon, but he makes me feel like I could, make me feel as though I could be capable of more than I realized; hence the list of ambitions. That partnership--that being able to glance across the dance frame or over the punching mat he is holding for me and look into his eyes and know that he is just *there* for me...that is...so good for me. SO good. He is a consummate partner, and I fear I am coming to rely on him too much. He understands and upholds my need to feel equal; engages in trades (music for music, combat for swing, massages for... other things). He makes a ridiculous amount of money, so when he spends on me it is one time when it simply cannot be equal. I begin to worry about other things too. He went away with his dad to a conference in Finland for a week and wrote me the loveliest letters every day while away. He was back for three days (which evenings we spent together and I even was able to sleepover the last and he made me breakfast...) and then is now in NY for a week with his family. He can’t write as much there bc it is family time, and I fully get that. My life continues and feels humdrum here--esp bc I’m not really working at Job #1 bc I’d hoped to be working in promotion at Job #2 by now. But more on that below... He’s being so active and outdoorsy, telling me how amazing his cousins are...and he’s not *here* I guess, to reassure me in person... For whatever reason, I’m drowning in feelings of inadequacy, and I fear, for the first time, that an expiration date has been created here. We agreed initially ‘one day at a time,’ but both had trouble keeping to that. We have trips already planned two months out (he’s taking me to NYC to see Hamilton!!!!), and talk long term all the time. Let’s remember folks, we have been romantic only A MONTH. Another good occasion for this gif:

But he seems to feel the same depth of emotion (impetuous though it is) that I do, that feeling of safety and ultimate support. Could this be a chance (down’ the road) for an unconditional love relationship with a romantic partner? Could such a thing exist for me? I worry bc he is so inherently capable; a genius and regimented; he owns a house, cooks, works out regularly, keeps himself to a diet, is a great planner, not to mention the combat; he’s a natural at swing and most anything else he puts his mind to. He’s also crazy smart, eloquent and witty; well-versed, well-read, and his baggage is not as incommodious as mine. I hate the idea of lying to him (a good sign!) and so I told him (where I was not brave enough to tell J) about stepdad and that situation. I feel for the first time (in an Austenian sense) how tainted I am by association. Most people (say, his excellent family) cannot stomach that sort of a thing in any sense, nor wish to connect themselves. He says he is not bothered, but it makes me angry and sick to think about it. Blegh. Just another of those bits of baggage I bring which make me so difficult to be with--the child and the legal marital status being others, among many... So far I have felt decently comfortable being myself and not feeling like I have to change for him (that bbaaaaaaad instinct). But lately I have felt as though I need to start working out or I cannot keep to his standard. It is not that I don’t want to be active, and I know the benefits, but working out as rigorously as he does is not something that feels like it comes from me; rather something I feel I must do for him. And the instant I start feeling like I have to behave a certain way or he will walk is the instant the warning bells start. I have the feeling and I want to stop it; I’m pretty sure it lies in me, and I want to understand it so I can stop it. I will never be as infinitely good, capable, vigorous or whole as he is. And if he wants to attempt to love me in spite of this...I just need to square with that. I want to have the strength to feel good in myself without his support. I want to feel worthy and equal. What can I bring to him that he doesn’t already have? And is it enough? When I tally our assets I always feel as though mine are wanting. He tells me I make him happy, happier than anything. But will that fade? Is it enough? Bc by my calculations it simply doesn’t add up.

“...the day that I find, suddenly I’ve run out of secrets, suddenly I’m not always on his mind...”

So, guiding questions:

1- Am I being foolish rushing into this? Am I trying to convince my heart to go where it simply cannot yet and is not ready to go?

2- What is the source of this feeling of inadequacy and how can I halt it?

3- Is there an expiration date? How would I feel about that?

In the midst of all this T is proving tricky to shake. My fault as much as anything. I find myself crazy susceptible to his physical prowess (he’s well-versed in the art of physical intimacy) and he blindly praises me with a worshipful devotion. It’s addictive I admit. P will be more of a slow burn in terms of physical intimacy; but if we get all the way there (which slow burn is really a good healthy thing for me), I suspect it could be the sort of thing that makes me cry, in the best of ways. The contemplation already makes me more sentimental than I can say. And that’s the thing; when P gets back in town and I can look into his eyes again--when he’s there on the other end of the dance frame...holding my hand and holding me up, I will feel safe again. Loved, secure, and in no doubt. I have yet to feel inadequate when he is there like that. Because he doesn’t look at me and see flaws. And he is so pragmatic and unruffled. A good attitude for me. He is a “problem solver” as he likes to say, and nearly everything has a simple, logical solution. That’s a lovely grounding thing for me. It give me steel and makes me think things like “You don’t have demonstrable skills? Then acquire some.” And he makes it seem simple, achievable. He believes in me. And he tells me so. And he is committed to getting this thing we’ve got right. All good good things. So I have faith that things will return to normal when he’s home.

Another point of insecurity for me atm is that I await news of this job which I had hoped to hear of before now. The week that they gave me is almost up, and I cannot help but feel that if they wanted to offer it to me they would have by now. Also, feeling anxious about all I have to learn.

And on THAT note, I do feel somewhat better and need to get some actual paid work in. Hopefully I will muse more before too much longer.

Non sequitur: In the soundtrack of P (he is sharing metal with me) there is so far: “Heaven Help My Heart,” “You’re Awful” and “Two Sleepy People”--because we cannot seem to get enough sleep in each other’s company--texting or cuddling. Which is, in his simple heartfelt language: “nice.”

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