#crossing my fingers that the acne might get better in the next month

[stargazerdaisy]

This week in Random Daisy Health Things:

Got my ADHD referral letter, so now I need to get an appointment with someone to evaluate (read: diagnose) me.

Found out I'm allergic to two new things in my household. Sorry kids, can't use that laundry detergent anymore. And booooo, that handmade candle was so pretty and smelled so nice.

Would very much like new face skin. The acne is The Worst.

#personal #random daisy stuff #i freaking hate that you need good executive function in order to get the diagnosis and treatment for the executive DYSfunction disorder #i don't see a good way around it but it still sucks #anyway #crossing my fingers that the acne might get better in the next month #if not I'm blaming pia #JUST KIDDING #it's just my messed up skin #:D

[penelopeshusband]

Distraction (p2) ((Spencer Reid x Reader))

Summery: Your concern for Reid’s recent trauma turns into a confrontation of a drug problem, into more than friendly bonding

Type: Smut

Spencer Reid (criminal minds) x Reader

Reader uses they/them pronouns.

Part Two of varies connected smut shots

Baton Rouge was a headache. The unsub was clearly organized and intelligent, only based on the fact that you had run in circles with Reid and Morgan and still come up flat. You paced inside your hotel room, searching through your memories for any conclusions you might have missed. But the killer had to be meticulous. The clean kill, almost no evidence. A spotless case. Only one thing has stuck to you, and it had nothing to do with the investigation.

Reid had been strange, the last few weeks, almost months, which was not out of the ordinary for someone going through a traumatic experience. Shaking, irritability, more than the usual reclusively. The way he now shied away from your touch...the dilated eyes...constant blush...

You couldn't take it anymore. Your worry felt like it was gnawing at your insides. You sighed, stopping your pacing and staring at your hotel room door.

Lucky for you, he was just right next to you. You could hear footsteps from inside. Up late, you guessed. You gently knocked on the door. "Spencer?" You said, barely loud enough for him to hear you. You heard him stop dead. "I just wanted to check on you, I cant sleep..."

There was silence, before the door clicked open. He swung the door slightly ajar. He peeked through.

"U-uh, (f/n), I'm not really..." he trailed off as he looked into your eyes, then looked at the ground in front of you.

It didn't take a profiler to see through him. Sweat beading at his temple, avoidance of eye contact, visibly shaking. His lip quivered as he searched for words.

"Reid, please let me in? " you frowned. He tried to close the door, but you placed your foot to keep it wedged open. "I know, I'm probably out of line here, but, I'm... worried."

He examined your face, eyes darting over you. He huffed, nodding and opening the door.

You walked in. "You weren't yourself today." The door shut behind Spencer. He was now in full view as he faced you.

Your eyes always  found themselves lingering on his slender figure, tall and lithe. His arms were crossed defensively against his chest, eyes on the floor, biting inside of his cheek.

"I just haven't been sleeping." He said with a straight face, too forced to be believable.

"Spence," you gently touched his arm. He jerked away violently, much to your surprise. "Okay, look, you can talk to me. Whatever's going on..."

"What, what, you'll understand? Listen?" He snapped, glaring at you through narrow eyes. You flinched, but stayed quiet. He scoffed. "Look, I don't care what Hotch, or-or Gideon, Morgan, or anyone says. I'm fine, I can do my job."

You watched as he ran his hands through his hair. It was not brushed, unkept. You could tell there was a build up of grease. It explained the build up of stubble, and the small amount of acne that was building up on his forehead though he was in his 20s.

He sat on the queen mattress, resting his face in his hands. He bounced his leg. He let out a shaky breath. You slowly approached the bed, sitting beside him.

"I don't need people treating me like I'm weak. Its nothing I cant handle."

"No one thinks your weak." You reached to put your hand on his shoulder, taping it lightly before resting your hand on it. "We care about you. I care about you."

He was silent. Your eyes skimmed to his bag, instantly finding something out of place. You stood, striding over. You squatted down, reaching in and grabbing a small bottle.

"Hey-don't-"

"Dilaudid, Spencer?" You stood, shaking it in his face. He went to snatch it away from you, and you pulled it away.

"I-I didn't- it's not- its from the hospital-" he tried to reach for it again, but you stepped back.

"Don't. Lie to me about this. This is serious." Your voice was deadpan, glaring straight into his eyes that refused to return it.

He continued to stutter, slipping over his words. "Please, (y/n), I can handle it, you don't need to worry. It's nothing." His voice was in a hushed tone. You could see tears in his eyes. He suddenly looked like a confused child, scared and alone.

"Spence..." You felt yourself soften. You watched as he tried to hold his face together, quivering as a tear fell down his cheek.

"It just gets so loud, sometimes, in my own head..." his voice cracked. his arms motioned as he spoke. "I hear his voice, I feel the pain and...the pain of everything and it just-I can't"

He turned away, a quiet sob escaping his lips.

You touched him, and when he didn't shy away, wrapped your arms around him. You rested your head on his back, feeling as he relaxed in your arms. You felt your eyes water as you held him. "We don't have to talk about it right now, okay?" you cooed. He let out a long, shaky breath. "You should take a warm shower. I'll leave if you want me to..."

"No, no. Please stay." He sniffled, turning. Though his face was streaked with tears, his usual mask was on again. "I would...Like company."

You blushed, smiling and nodding. He smiled back, but quickly went into the bathroom, clicking the lock shut. You let out a soft sigh of relief when you heard the shower water start.

You laid on the bed, a shaky breath escaping your lips. But... you had to admit that you weren't shocked. You tried to push it out of your mind for now, the feeling of guilt plaguing you. You couldn't have done anything, you told yourself, just help him now.

You wiped away your own guilty tears, sniffling. You stared at the bottle, as if it would whisper its secrets to you. You understood, somewhat. To erase the pain, to forget the horrors that plague you in your waking hours, even the sleeping ones. To hide behind you intellect just for it to be torn down by a tsunami of emotions. He was just in pain. In so much pain...

You wished you could stop it. But that was unrealistic, right? If you were good enough to make it better, make him happy. You stopped, scolding yourself for the line of thought. You had only slept together, once, almost a year ago. You had a silent agreement to not talk about it. You would most likely be fired, never find another job...All you had been reduced to were soft glances.

The shower hissed to a stop, drawing your attention away. You sat up quickly, watching as the door swung open. He must like his showers hot, you thought to yourself as steam rolled from the doorway. But you were immediately sidetracked by seeing Dr. Reid walk out, towel tied around his waist loosely.

You found your eyes wandering, over his chest and stomach. The obvious curvature of his hips on his thin body, the towel resting low enough that the trail of hair on his stomach turned into pubic hair. He moved his wet hair from his face and looked up at you. You fumbled over your words, covering your eyes. "I am so sorry. I can leave."

He chuckled, and you looked up to see a soft blush painted across his nose. "Its fine, (y/n), I was, uh, just grabbing some clothes."

You peaked through your fingers, watching as he crouched over his bag to dig for clothes. His back was strong, you had to be in the FBI, yet he still seemed like a toothpick. The curve of his spine was as obvious as his hips, and his ass...

You turned around fast as he stood. "Would you, uh. mind if I, uhm, changed?"

"No, no, not at all..." You buried your face in your hands, feeling the hotness of your face. You felt like screaming, and your mind was already running into walls as you tried to push your arousal into a small box. Your body burnt, fire from your face to your pelvis. Your growing (wetness/erection) betrayed your feelings.

You peeked up, watching as he pulled up his sweatpants. "Do you still want me here?" you muttered. He sighed, sitting next to you. He didn't bother putting on a shirt. For the first time, the injection marks on his arms were obvious. He must have noticed you staring.

"Yes." He struggled to say, gently touching your hand. You gently took it, as he slipped his fingers between yours and gripped tightly. He was still shaking, and it was as if he was holding onto you for all manor of stability. "You know...Through all of this, I keep thinking that this would be different if I was just stronger. If I didn't let it get to me like this-"

"You're not weak, you're human."

He looked up at you, moving a single strand of hair from his face. "You know, Its funny. The thing I'm most worried about is you thinking...I don't know. It's not relevant."

"Spence..." You caressed his cheek gently. He seemed to search for something to say, but instead met your eyes for a brief moment.

He leaned in, kissing you gently on the lips. You froze in place as his lips touched yours, waiting for you to close the gap. You kissed him back softly, closing your eyes. His face and hair were still wet, and his lips were soft. He pulled away slowly.

"I've, uh, kind of missed that..." he whispered breathlessly. He held your face in his hands. Kissing you again, you felt yourself melt into him. Your defenses found themselves lowering, completely relaxed. You scooted closer, leaning in and resting your hands on his thigh. You could have done this for hours, you thought to yourself.

You gripped onto his pantleg, letting out a soft moan. He took that as an invitation to continue his advances, running his hand through your hair and pressing his tongue between your lips. Your tongues pressed against each other, needing and wanting to taste the other.

"You know, you can actually taste if someone's genetically compatible through their saliva. If its sour, you're not, but if its sweet, it means that your children will have strong immune systems." He rested his forehead on yours, taking a breath. You glanced down at your hands. You saw why he had paused; he was overexcited.

"Oh, that is fascinating. I would love to hear more facts." You purred, a mischievous blush crawling on your face.

"Oh, Well," you began to kiss his jaw. "Did you know that orgasms reduce blood pressure?" His breathing became more labored as you made your way to his neck. "Did you know... that...fuck..."

He let out a loud moan as you bit his neck. He gripped onto you, grabbing you and pulling you on top of his lap.

"Maybe you're more of a tactical learner..." he growled, kissing you roughly. There wasn't any hesitation now as his hands pulled up your shirt.  He attacked your chest and stomach with love bites, kisses and hickies, like an animal unable to control himself anymore.

"Spencer~" you moaned, running your hands through his hair and pulling. He moaned, looking up at you.

He ran his tongue over your nipple, before sucking on it. You gasped, grinding your hips against his erection. He reached down your pants , through the hem of your underwear, just to feel at you.

"You're so (wet/hard), just for me." He huffed, beginning to trail his fingers down to your entrance. "If I had known you were this... desperate, I would have bent you over and railed you every chance I had." he pressed a finger into you, leaning into t he crook of your neck. You let out a gasp as he fingered you. He nuzzled against you, kissing your neck tenderly.

"That would have been hot." You moaned breathlessly, pulling his hair more. He seemed to enjoy it, as it prompted him to harshly bite your jaw with a soft growl.

He dug his nails into your hips, groaning as he grinded against you. "Can we keep going?" He asked quietly. You nodded. "Perfect. I...would really like to taste you again." He blushed more than he was before, stumbling slightly as he tried to force the words out. It was cute, seeing him so flustered. You bit your lip as a smirk crawled onto you lips.

"Mmm, taste me?" You let out a bratty purr, running your fingers over the hem of his boxers that rested higher than his sweats. "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, Dr. Reid. You'll have  to be more specific." You reached your hands in, feeling his at his cock, only tracing around the tip at first. "Tell me, which part of me?"

He closed his eyes, tilting his head back and moaning as you began to stroke his cock. He throbbed in your hand, begging for release. He was already leaking precum. He seemed to forget what he was going to say, simply melting into the pleasure your grip gave him. He nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, panting. "Your (pussy/ass)." He groaned. "Why don't you sit on my face?"

He laid down, motioning for you. "God, you really do have an oral fixation, huh." You muttered. You obeyed his orders.

He pressed his tongue against your entrance, licking around it sensually. You moaned, shivering. He held you in place by your ass, which he massaged and pinched to his satisfaction. He pressed his tongue inside you at the same time he gave a slap to your ass.

You let out a pained moan, feeling a twang of pleasure volt throughout your body. "Oh, you're so dirty." You giggled. He simply looked up at you and winked before going back to feeling your insides with his warm, wet tongue.

It turned you on, thinking about how deviant Spencer was under it all. A sadomasochist who preferred giving over receiving.

"Spence, I wanna try something ."

He paused, looking up expectantly. You turned on top of him, making sure your (pussy/ass) was very much still accessible. You leaned down, teasing him as you licked around the tip of his cock before sucking on it gently.

"… that's a very good idea..." he moaned. He continued to eat you out, his stubble brushing against you as his tongue left no part of you unexplored. You did the same, taking him as deep as you could, just savoring the taste of his cock in your mouth. You ran your tongue over every vein, massaging his balls as you shafted his length into your throat. You gagged slightly, nesting yourself for just a moment into his pubic hair, savoring the taste of his cock and the smell of him.

You felt your body start shivering, getting close. "Spence... Spence... I'm close..." you moaned, drool trailing between your mouth and his cock. "Please...please can I cum?"

He didn't answer, simply groaning and continuing. You took that as a yes.

"Fuck, your tongue feels so good, Spencer. You're so good." You moaned, letting yourself unwind as you neared the edge. "I can't take it, I'm gonna..."

You let out a cry as your eyes rolled back, feeling the wave of release wash over you. You were still for almost a minute, brain completely blank from the orgasm. It took you a moment to return to reality, panting and looking down at Spencer. His face was a mess, covered in your (cum/fluids), but he couldn't seem happier. He was smiling like a dork, the spark of excitement still in his eyes.

"I didn't think i could do that with-with, you know, just my mouth." He stuttered, giggling slightly as he sat up. You tried to stand, but he playfully grabbed you and pulled you back into his lap. "What, you think I'm done with you? " he kissed the back of your neck. You giggled as he started to tickle you playfully. You fought against him.

"Reid! No! I'm ticklish!" You pleaded through your laughter as he tackled you to the ground, not letting up his torture. You found yourself wrestling him, rolling over to figure out who was the one in charge.

Inevitably, Reid ended up on top, your wrists pinned to the ground as the two of you came down from your playful mood. He stared down at you, looking at every part of your body with admiration.

"You still haven't cum, right?" You purred, pulling away your wrists and wrapping your arms around his neck. "I think about how you feel inside me all the time." You whispered. He kissed you, stroking his cock while he did before positioning it.

He pressed inside you, a sharp gasp escaping your lips. He looked down at you, his brown eyes that normally in the office avoided others staring right into you. You could practically see his intelligence, his kindness, his soul inside them.

"Your eyes are beautiful." you found yourself whisper, caressing his face with one hand. He blushed, breaking eye contact.

"Y-yours are dilated...I think that means you like me." He smiled shyly, despite the fact he was inside you.

This time was different than the first, more intimate. He wanted to feel as much of you on him as possible, kissing your lips and hugging you close to him. You wrapped your legs around him. His strokes immediately became faster, more demanding. He pulled away, grabbing your legs and holding them up to get deeper into you.

"Fuck. No one's ever made me feel this way. So...hungry..." he moaned, ramming into you. You didnt care if Morgan next door could hear your cries anymore. All you could focus on was his scent, his voice, his face still smeared with your mess, the feeling of his cock inside you. Nothing else mattered.

It was almost primal as you felt yourself degrade into nothing but a moaning mess subject to Spencer's will. Submitting to him physically, and mentally. He reached down, gently placing a hand over your throat.

"I-I can do it properly, if you, i mean... can i choke you?" He moaned. You simply nodded. He wrapped his hand across your throat, choking you as he made his final few thrusts.

He squeezed almost too tight as he hilted himself inside you, cum spilling into you. "I don't know if I should make a habit of that." He panted as he came down from his own orgasm, letting himself practically fall on top of you. He hadn't even bothered to pull out, just cuddling into you.

He suddenly seemed like a giant teddy bear, nuzzling you and clinging to you. His hair wasn't wet with water anymore, but sweat pooled on his forehead. You stroked his hair affectionately.

"I really can't understand why you would chose to have a sexual relationship with me. Of all people." He muttered. You could feel his eyelashes flutter against your neck.

"Do you...want a sexual relationship?"

He looked up at you, cocking his head in confusion. "I thought...this is what that is. "

You shrugged. "I guess so. We would get fired in a second."

"So, we don't get caught."

You kissed him, trying to forget about the consequences if you two did get caught.

#smut #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid smut #xreader #x reader #nonbinary reader #they/them reader #criminal minds

[cheekaspbrak]

The kissing prompts: 36! 36! 36! That’s adorable🙈💕

please take my offering of a virtual hug as an apology for me posting this like... really... really late. I have no excuses aside from ‘I suck and I promise I’ll try to be better but it’s only going to get worse’. Anyway, I love you Hayls and I hope you love this!

Read here on ao3.

Prompt taken from this list.

“-that’s my third detention this semester, can you believe that?” Richie rambles as he and Eddie enter the front door of the Tozier residence.

“Yes, Richie, I can,” Eddie replies dryly, dropping his backpack by the door like he always does, kicking his shoes off there, too.

“What’s this about another detention?” Richie looks to his right, finding his dad peering at him over his reading glasses. Oops.

“I, uh, I was being too noisy during class-” Went sighs, closing his eyes against the new information. Richie swallows nervously, knowing that if his mother hears about this she’s sure to be upset, and that’s something Richie hates. When his mother is upset, she cries a lot, and Richie hates being responsible for making her cry.

“How about this?” Went starts, “I don’t want your mother to be upset any more than you do. So, I won’t tell her. Unless you get another detention in the next two weeks, then I’m going to make you tell her about both of them, and you’ll be grounded.”

Richie beams at him. He can totally pull that off. All he has to do is sit still in class for two weeks… oh no, maybe he can’t pull that off.

“Sure thing, Daddio!” Richie says anyway, because he’ll be damned if he won’t try.

“You’re screwed,” Eddie snickers, making Went laugh, too. Richie rolls his eyes at both of them, pulling on Eddie’s hand to lead him up the stairs to their room.

“Here it is!” Richie says after they get back to his room and he digs through the new stuff he’d gotten over Christmas break, finding the item Eddie had come over to see. It’s a brand new, shiny walkman with a gray stripe down the side, and Eddie has never had the chance to use one before. Richie had been borrowing his dads since he first learned what a walkman is, so Went had finally given him one for Christmas. And the first thing he plans to do with it is let Eddie borrow it for as long as he wants.

“Cool!” Eddie says when he gets his hands on it, turning it over excitedly while Richie fishes the tapes out of his junk. “What tapes do you have?”

“My dad only bought me two for now.” Richie smiles in response to Eddie’s enthusiasm. When Eddie gets excited it’s hard for Richie to slow down because his heart starts to race and he gets way too nervous. “The Smiths and The Cure. I hope you like those. Have you heard their music before? Who am I kidding, you’d have to live under a fucking rock to have never heard their music before, of course you-” Eddie snatches the tapes out of his hands and puts one into it. “Hey, wait, be careful with it! My dad will kill me if I break it right away!”

“Shut up, I’m not going to break it,” Eddie sighs, cramming the headphones over his ears haphazardly. “So I just… hit…” Eddie clicks the button on the side and his face lights up like a Christmas tree when the music begins to play. “Cool,” He breathes out, eyes locked on Richie’s.

Richie wants to tear his eyes away, but he just can’t. He’s well aware that there’s a huge smile taking up half of his face that looks far too fond watching his best friend borrow his walkman, but he just can’t look away. Eddie is so easily impressed with the gadgets Richie has because his mom never lets him have any, and Richie feels on top of the world every time he gets to show Eddie something new. Most of the time he’s annoying Eddie or pestering him nonstop, but in moments like these, Eddie looks at Richie like he’s the best person in the universe. It’s not often anyone looks at Richie like that. He’s gangly and bug-eyed and buck-toothed and crass. Nobody really looks at Richie Tozier and thinks anything much other than ‘Wow, what a nerd’. But sometimes, just sometimes, Eddie looks at him like he’s the best nerd ever. 

That look makes Richie’s palms sweat and his heart race, and he knows exactly what that means. He knows. He carved their initials on the kissing bridge, for Christ’s sake. 

“Do you like it?” He asks, stupidly, because obviously Eddie likes it. But Eddie just nods, eyelashes fluttering. They both move to sit down on his bed, criss-cross applesauce and side by side. “Keep it for as long as you want,” He tells him. He hadn’t mentioned to him, yet, that letting Eddie borrow it had been his plan since the moment he unwrapped the gift.

“What? No, I can’t. This is yours,” Eddie protests, eyes wide. He pulls the headphones off of his ears at once.

“Mi walkman es su walkman.” Richie puts the headphones back around his neck. “I’ll just use it when I sneak into your room.”

It’s something Richie does often, ever since the incident. They both have nightmares, and when Richie’s are especially bad he slips out of his house and into Eddie’s bed. It’s easier when he’s not alone. 

He’s pretty sure his mom knows, at this point, and has chosen not to say anything. Eddie’s mom, on the other hand, would give them an earful if she ever found out. That still doesn’t keep him from doing it.

“Are you sure, Richie? What if my mom finds it and takes it?” Eddie looks equally apprehensive and excited. 

“I’ll steal it back from her,” Richie says, but he finds that he really doesn’t care if he ever sees it again. Just the thought of Eddie laying on his bed with his eyes closed, listening to whatever tape Richie gives him makes his heart feel full.

“Thanks, Rich.” Eddie smiles somewhat bashfully, eyes looking down at the little machine in his hands. His brows furrow a little and Richie nearly has to physically hold himself back from kissing him right there, right between his eyebrows. He wonders what Eddie would think if he did do that. He likes to think Eddie wouldn’t mind, that he’d smile a little or tease Richie playfully like he always does or maybe even kiss Richie on the lips. He thinks about it sometimes, when he’s laying in bed, playing it over and over in his head until he falls asleep.

But, even if Eddie did like boys, which seems basically impossible, why would he ever want to kiss Richie? Richie, with all his greasy forehead acne he has to cover with his bangs and the stupid braces he only has to have on for a few more months. Richie, with his big nose and big glasses that would probably get in the way.

He’d squish Eddie’s cute little button nose and probably poke his eye out. They wouldn’t fit together like two halves of a whole, they’d fit together like a square peg and a round hole. 

But, gosh, does he want to kiss him. So he does what he can, grabbing at Eddie’s wrists to pull him closer, saying ‘Cute, cute, cute!’ before leaning in and giving him a half-assed eskimo kiss, rubbing his nose back and forth until Eddie pushes him back gently. He only moves back a few inches, intruding Eddie’s personal space, as usual. 

“You’re so weird,” Eddie says, laughing. He peers up at Richie through chocolate brown eyelashes with an amused look on his face. 

“You’re so weird,” Richie counters before leaning forward and rubbing his nose on his once more. Eddie doesn’t move this time, though, instead he stays quiet and still. He doesn’t giggle or bat Richie away, he just sits there, arms propping himself up on his knees. He’s almost rigid, staring at Richie’s eyes like he’s seen a ghost. “What?” Richie stops, nose still pressed against Eddie’s, feeling as nervous as he does when a teacher calls on him and he wasn’t paying attention.

Eddie looks like he’s about to answer, Richie can feel him swallow and take in a deep breath, but then he doesn’t. Then, he does something much, much better. He moves just an inch or so and presses his lips against Richie’s like it’s as natural as breathing.

Richie is what one would describe as ‘all bark, no bite’, but right now he’s no bark and no bite. His eyes grow huge, surely magnified to a comical size by his glasses. He has no idea what to do as Eddie’s soft, sweet lips move against his, as Eddie’s hands fly up to cup his cheeks. 

Before he even has a chance to ponder it, Eddie is pulling back with a gasp.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“No, no, no, no, no, no,” Richie cries, grabbing Eddie’s hands and pressing them back against his cheeks, “I liked that, don’t say sorry. Kiss me again, please.”

Eddie’s face transforms from trembling to smirking, squeezing Richie’s face between his palms and brushing his lips against Richie’s own. “Are you sure?”

“Please,” Richie pleads one more time, and he’s immediately rewarded with a gentle, but simultaneously fierce kiss. Eddie’s thumbs stroke at the delicate skin underneath his eyes, the tips of his fingers disappearing into Richie’s unruly curls. He realizes with a start that he hasn’t touched Eddie once sitting there like a limp noodle, which is incredibly uncharacteristic, so he wraps his hands around Eddie’s slender wrists, thumbs stroking over the backs of his hands gingerly, thinking he might die if Eddie pulls away again.

But Eddie just keeps kissing him, pressing as close as he can get, and Richie has the fleeting thought that they actually fit together quite nicely, almost like they were made for each other, almost like there really is such a thing a soulmates.

Tag List: @constantreaderfool @violetreddie @girasol-eddie

#reddie #reddie fic #Richie x Eddie #eddie x richie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #h writes

[chierushi]

In The Middle

My being employed situation has become complicated, but basically, I was out of job since March. My savings is starting to deplete, so I decided to look for other opportunities. For a month, no employer has even checked on my resume. It’s understandable, though. We’re all in a tight situation due to COVID-19. I don’t know anymore what the future holds for me, but I continued to hold on. Even though I’m crying inside every day, somehow I believed that there’s something brewing behind all of this. I knew God is up to something; I just don’t know when it’s going to happen and what it is.

Eventually, I got tired of looking at Jobstreet for any possibilities, but I opened my laptop and checked again last Saturday, and there is one new job ad. It ticks everything I’m looking for nowadays: responsibilities I can manage and do in the comforts of my home. Obviously, I’m sold. I applied and shut down my laptop. Hours after that, I got a phone call from Virginia, US. I didn’t answer it at first; I was so skeptic with overseas calls, thinking the other person at the end of it might be trying to hack me. Then I remembered the earlier job ad I applied, so I answered at the third call. Surely, it was that company and they’re in need of programmers urgently. I haven’t worked for months and so I’m starting to forget what I do for a living. I asked if we can do the interview Monday, and she accepted.

Oh man. I can’t stress enough how I was before the interview. I’m walking around the house aimlessly thinking different scenarios in my head, dreading that I might fail this one. The offer is too good that the thought of not making it has scared me more. There was this failed interview once with the company I dreamed working at a couple of years ago, and I think that traumatized me. What’s worse is after that initial phone call, when I was about to use my few remaining time to review programming manuals, my laptop decided to not wake up. Thankfully, it powered up eventually, but hours are wasted already.

I spent most of my time for the next two days reviewing, and only a little retains in my head. It’s hard to learn programming without actual coding. But I have to manage, or else.

My anxiety got to a point where I asked people to pray for me, even my public chat group here on Tumblr. I was stunned when I started feeling at peace even in the midst of being nervous. It was so amazing how their simple prayer of concern worked wonders for me. I realized that my reviewing is just my way of regaining control over the unforeseen future. Suddenly, the urge to read more just stopped. I slept early the night before.

Yesterday morning was the job interview. My boss is from the States, and since she asked how I am, I told her frankly that I’m feeling uneasy. She wants me to feel calm. She started talking more and telling me stories about her and the company, which helped me a lot. The technical questions are more of a simple definition of terms, or whatever is your take on the subject. The questions are just a handful. Maybe that’s why I quickly stopped reading that night. Thanks to the prayers uttered for me, my body must have got the signal from God that I won’t need that much reviewing anyway.

The interviewer said that as long as I’m willing to learn, she’d be glad to join their team. She saw that I graduated cum laude in college, and took that as a hint that I’m a hard-worker and achiever like her. She offered me the job, and I got hired! All in one day. I remember that quote from someone I look up to: “Your turn will come.” If something is for you, and will be good for you, God will give it to you. Maybe this is why, for weeks, I haven’t received any calls from any employer. I have to endure that whole month waiting to get this job.

God is tricky most of the time, but I always love His way of doing things. Truly, He is still good and faithful.

To end this very long narrative, I want to say goodbye to the things I’m going to miss:

The air conditioner in our office. It contributed a lot to my acne getting better. Now that I’m working from home, and possibly in daytime, I may not get that almost clear skin anytime soon. Maybe if I earn enough, eventually, I’ll buy us an air conditioner here in our living room, but that would still rack up our electric bill, and I’m not happy about that.

The daily commute life. I know, it doesn’t look good, but it gives me that space to listen and/or read stuff. Heavy traffic has been bearable to me, thanks to podcasts and books. Sometimes, I stop at a coffee shop to read more before going home. It has also allowed me to travel daily to and from far places since I work in the city and live in the province. As a geographically challenged person, the commute has familiarized me to major roads.

Personally working with people. Ever since I started working, I’m surrounded with officemates. I’m still not sure if I’m going to like this virtual interaction. We’ll see.

I realized also that this job has given me tons of answered prayers as well. I’m grateful for:

Remote work. It’s always been a dream of mine to work outside the office. Whenever I see those people code at coffee shops, I’m jealous. Hopefully, I’m not working night shift so I can materialize this dream. (I have yet to confirm my actual working hours. Naturally, daytime is the better option, but night shift sounds good too, especially with the heat these days). With this setup, I won’t need to spend many hours travelling back home. I can join my friends who live nearby and hang out with them without sacrificing my sleep. I can even start working out before or after my shift! (crossing fingers for that)

I didn’t compromise my specialization just to get a job. There’re few who offered this job opportunity, and now that we’re in the middle of a global crisis, it’s harder to find one. I was about to give up that time and learn another programming language.

Now that I regained my source of income, I can now finally support my friends financially through their small businesses! This is a major part of my petition for a job to God. I really prayed hard so that I could help out.

I was thinking if this was the “restoration” that God has placed in me for the past few months, but I’m glad if this is it. He truly had given me back what I had and more. I’m thankful that He wrestled with me all this time with this and given me faith to endure the waiting process.

The firm I’m now a part of isn’t a big company, but that’s also a dream of mine. Usually, working in corporations won’t allow you to expand your skill that much. For years, my job is mostly editing snippets of code. It has its own challenges, of course, but it didn’t allow me to grow to my potential as a programmer. I think this opportunity will finally let me do that. I’m scared, obviously, but I wanted more to take that leap.

From my little interactions with the team, I think this is where I can really learn to hone my craft. My goal ever since I graduated is to find a good boss who can teach me. I may have found her. I may have found them.

The firm offers training, all expense paid by the company. This is necessary for me to grow in my career, and I was really upset that my former employer didn’t offer this to us.

Other benefits I’m not in liberty to disclose publicly. Though I have to say this one thing: They might let me travel to our clients from different places around the globe, all expense paid again by the company.

Afternoon today will be my orientation with my supervisor. I’ll be asking things that I have forgotten to inquire yesterday out of excitement. They wanted me to start tomorrow already. Good for me too since I really need to earn money soon anyway. I’m thrilled and fearful at the same time, but ultimately, I just hope I do good at my new job. Wish me well and please pray for me. All glory to God!

#chierushiblogs

[lxiewrites]

Capture the Flag

The complete fic of the PJO au from klance au month

also tumblr decided to take out most if not p much all my italics but i’m too lazy to put them allll back in bc I’m an italics ho and there would be a lot

Ao3

Lance scrutinized the stance of the baby warrior in front of him. Circling around the young half-blood he kicked her right foot farther behind her. “You would have a better center of balance if you place your right foot here—you're right-handed right?”

She adjusted her stance and nodded, gripping her sword tighter in her fist, hand shaking a bit with effort. Lance bit down a sympathetic smile. She was a fresh camper; just dropped off by a satyr a few days ago. He could see the embarrassed flush on her cheeks and her eyes darting to the other campers practicing their sword fighting.

“Okay, so loosen your grip a bit. That much tension ends up straining the tendons in your elbow for whatever reason, trust me.” He scooped his sword up from the dusty ground next to her and took his stance. “Okay, let’s start with the basic attack.”

They took a step in sync, swiping their swords down with one hand slicing the air in front of them. Nadia blocked her invisible opponent with her wooden shield while Lance brought his sword up in a block. Together they sliced down once again, the air whooshing at the speed. Stepping back into formation Lance turned to his pupil with a big grin. “Good! With enough practice you’ll be beating flying pigs and hellhounds.”

Nadia offered him a small smile before biting her lip. Dropping her sword, point down, into the dirt she asked, “Could I just… skip capture the flag tonight?”

He wrapped an arm around her slight shoulders. “Sorry, kid, Coran says the best teacher is experience. And our cabin is leading this time. Our own members can’t just sit out!”

“But--!” Nadia objected, gesturing helplessly to Lucas and Katy painting each others nails off to the side of the arena. One or two more of the others dropped off from practicing and went to relax and gossip in the shade, only a few still sparring on the field.

Lance ran a hand through his hair to cup the back of his neck, sheepishly smiling at the baffled twelve-year-old. “Okay, so they’re more lovers than fighters. We’re a work in progress; sue me. But I got a feeling about you, Nadia. We’re Aphrodite cabin, we can go to fight just like anyone else, we just look better doing it.” He winked to punctuate his statement but she still looked skeptical. Finally he rolled his eyes, “Fine,I got Hecate cabin, Demeter, Athena, and the Apollo kids. And,” he said, raising his voice to be heard across the entire arena, catching the attention from their other cabin members. “If we win I’ll treat everyone to a spa day with my special face masks.”

When the clang of swords resumed, enough that they echoed around them, he snickered, not noticing the person that crept up behind him.

“So that’s how you get your team motivated. Bribery.”

Startled, Lance yelped as he spun around, shoving Nadia behind him, sword at the ready. His sword clanged against a familiar knife that extended into a sword, the dull side barely grazing his cheek.

Lance smirked, dropping his sword and smoothly ducking under Keith’s, bringing him in very close to the son of Ares. Close enough he could smell cedar and smoke from the offering fire. “You’re just jealous you can’t get your cabin to be a team on anything.”

Raising a brow Keith looked around the arena, probably taking in every flaw, every sloppy stance or messy attack. ���At least my cabin can fight.”

Frowning, Lance crossed his arms. He debated firing back, saying that they’re doing their best or even taking a jab at Keith’s cabin. Instead he stepped aside, out of Keith’s space, to introduce his new recruit.

“Keith, meet Nadia of Aphrodite cabin. Nadia, this is Keith, head of Ares cabin.”

Lance watched how Keith’s stance softened, the corners of his mouth quirking up in a small smile. Biting down hard on his lips Lance forcibly turned to watch Nadia tentatively shake Keith’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Keith nodded, respectfully and still stupidly soft. “You too, Nadia.”

Clearing his throat Lance jerked his head towards Virgil who was getting disarmed way too many times in a row. “Hey, Nadia, why don’t you go over there and spar with Virg?”

Nadia’s hazel eyes darted from one head counselor to another before scurrying off to the struggling thirteen-year-old.

Watching her go, pointedly not looking at the other counselor Lance asked, “So, have you come here to check out the competition, Kogane?”

“Something like that,” Keith murmured.

Heat flushing through him, Lance bit down on his lip. He willed his cheeks to cool, unprepared for Keith’s answer. They’ve known each other for four years. They went on their first quest together, fought together, bickered, picked strawberries, did all the stupid camp activities dangerous and mundane. They didn’t do this! They didn’t… flirt. They fought, they pushed, they challenged each other. Ever since they went on their last quest to retrieve his mom’s girdle—which was really just a fancy belt that shifted to an accessory that would compliment the wearer’s outfit, kinda lame—Keith’s been… flirty.

And it’s not in Lance’s head! He’s the son of the goddess of love and beauty he knows when someone’s flirting! And furthermore, he knew Keith. He knows when Keith is being flirty, which is so subtle he normally won’t notice but—

He knows. It’s exactly like that time he was flirting with this one guy two years ago when they were going to fix whatever was happening with Iris. Gods he was so annoying, always ”mission first, Lance” and the first guy to show interest in him and he’s all ”Oh, I like your weapon” “that’s a cool knife”.

And recently he’s been looking for him for help with strategies against other cabins or partnering up with him. Somehow their stupid fights seem more lingering, softer, the rough edges sanded down to a fine grain like the beaches back home. Where Lance can’t help but stay and run his fingers over it in fascination.

And he has no idea how to handle it.

Face, unfortunately still hot, Lance said, “Well, you better watch your back, Keith. ‘Cuz Ares cabin is going down.”

Keith scoffed, eyes twinkling, “Maybe you should worry less on Ares cabin and more on your own.”

“Oh, my cabin is great. We’re a well-oiled machine. We got everything down to a science.”Lance ignored the fact he could see some of his siblings in the corner of his eye, stopping to look at them. Lucas and Katy whispering to each other and snickering. “We’re gonna whoop your ass, and I’m going to gloat it over you until the end of the summer.”

“Sure, Lance.”

“Hey, once upon a time Aphrodite was worshipped as a war goddess as well as love. Don’t underestimate us. Aphrodite cabin is gonna whoop your ass!” Behind him there was a weak cheer from his siblings and Lance had to restrain a sigh.

“Sounds like a lotta talk.”

Okay, he’s had it up to here with him. “I bet you that we whoop your butt!”

Keith paused, giving Lance enough time to hear what he just came out of his godsdamned mouth and regret. “Okay,” Keith drawled, “it’s a bet.”

“Fine! What’s the bet?”

Keith shrugged, the obnoxious orange T-shirt stretching over his shoulders. “I don’t know. I’ll think of something later.” Smirking, Keith started towards the exit, calling out, “Good luck with the troops, Lance!”

When he disappeared Lance buried his face in his hands, groaning in them.

From the side he could hear Katy shout, “Does this mean no face masks?”

-

Lance sighed as he adjourned the meeting with the other head counselors. Many were skeptical when he proposed the strategy to them, Pidge kept interjecting with other strategies—those Athena kids are such know-it-alls—but he was insistent.

He knew Keith and he knew how he worked. Impulsive, direct, but crafty and a quick adaptable thinker. He might play at strategy for a while but it won’t last long until he rushes in.

Lance has faith in his team. They might be outnumbered and facing against the kids of the god of war but they got this! They totally got this! Keith might have the numbers and strength but Lance and his ragtag group got the razzle-dazzle!

He made his way to the mess hall to devote some more garlic knots to his mom for some divine luck in capture the flag. He had full faith in his team but some godly help couldn’t hurt.

At the mess hall, he made the rounds from table to table, not staying too long for Coran to start pointedly clearing his throat. Most of the cabins he convinced to be on the side of love were because a) he was just that good or b) either they owed him a favor or he now owes them a favor. The only reason Hephaestus cabin was on Ares’s side was because Keith got to Hunk first damnit. And he saved his life during that fight with a giant pig but whatever.

He cornered his own cabin when Katy just got back from the offering fire. Bracing both hands on the table he looked at each member of his cabin in the eye. “You all know your roles?”

There seemed to be a simultaneous eye-roll across the table. Sophie waved her freshly manicured hand as if she was shooing a bug away. “Yes, yes, we all know what to do. Honestly, Lance, you’re way too into this game.”

Lucas snorted into his cup. “Oh, I don’t think it’s the game he’s into,” he said wagging his brows.

Giggles rose up around the table, each of his half-siblings chiming in at what that could possibly be. The only one not sticking their unwanted concealed nose into his love life was Nadia, who was a dear angel child who did not know what anyone was talking about.

Lance, face way too hot, closed his eyes and willed the blush from his face. Snatching a piece of garlic bread from Katy’s plate he chucked it at Lucas and hit him square between the brows. Lance turned to Nadia as Lucas was screeching about the grease and acne.

He looked into her hazel eyes and wiggled his brows, making her giggle. Crouching down he asked, “So, are you ready for capture the flag?”

She bit her lip, frowning so hard creases formed between her brows.  “I don’t think I’ll be good at it.” She turned to look at him, eyes big and pleading, using every bit of what she inherited from their mother. “Do I have to play?”

Lance gave her a sympathetic smile, hand brushing her soft, brown hair from her face and tucking it up into her bun. “Unless you’re injured you gotta play, kid, Coran says.” At her silence he sighed and darted his eyes around, lowering his voice in a conspiratorial whisper he gestured for her to get closer. “Listen, I got a really important job for you during the capture the flag alright?”

At her nod he leaned in to whisper her directions, her shoulders relaxed and she even chuckled. Patting her on the shoulder he stood up. “All you gotta do is stick with Romelle and you should be fine.”

He gave the rest of his giggling siblings a look, using the universal signal for ‘I’m watching you’ by jabbing two fingers at all of them. “Remember. No face masks unless we win.”

After a chorus of boos he left, restraining himself to only stick his tongue out instead of flipping them off because there are children.

“Real mature for a head counselor.”

Lance, for the record, did not squeak. He yelped. A very manly yelp. “Keith! What are you doing here!”

Keith scrunched up his face, nose wrinkling like a little bunny instead of the son of a war god. “It’s…the mess hall?”

Lance felt his face heat, from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. Spluttering he grabbed Keith by the shoulders, turned him around, and shoved him out of the mess hall.

Now, Keith might be mostly made out of solid muscle but he’s also a seventeen-year-old boy and Lance had witnessed him try to talk to a squirrel because he thought it was a type of dyad. Lance, similarly, has been on nearly every one of Keith’s quests and has just as much muscle. Moving him was not an issue.

The issue was feeling that muscle under his hands. How easily Keith let Lance maneuver him when sometimes he didn’t move his stubborn butt even for Coran. How stupidly adorable his face is, all scrunched up and cute.

It made Lance’s stomach twist and sweat in uncomfortable places and that was the issue.

“Nope! Nope, nuh-uh, I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to steal our strategy! Not happening buster.”

Keith’s face slowly shifted from a confused bunny to a smug bastard. He tried to press his mouth in a line but Lance could see his smirk. Whenever Keith tried to not-smile he would get damning dimples on each of his cheeks. And there they were! Damning Lance to Tartarus.

At his glare Keith gave up, lips tilting into a full smirk, one dimple disappearing. “If you’re so worried maybe you should just give up now.”

Lance stabbed a finger in his smug, stupid face. “Oh, you would like that wouldn’t you? Just wait, you’re going to eat those words.”

“I guess we’ll just have to find out won’t we?”

Cheeks burning for no good reason Lance opened his mouth to say something… only to find he had no words. Just a burning face and a heart beating way too fast.

Normally, Keith would fight back, say something just as petty and childish as Lance. Now, he fights back in a way that Lance can’t? Instead of pushing back he gives in and flipping sneak attacks him leaving Lance flustered and burning.

Smirking, Keith patted Lance on the chest before brushing past him to the mess hall, leaving Lance gaping at him still trying to find his words.

-

Lance helped slide a chest plate over one of the younger Hecate kid’s heads, securing the straps nice and tight. With that done he tied a blue handkerchief around their arm in a neat knot. The kid beamed up at him before scampering off somewhere. Their smile a shade bloodthirsty but that’s what he wanted to see! Furious little warriors that will kick Keith’s butt!

“Are you sure you don’t want me on the front lines?” A voice wheedled behind him.

Lance tipped his head back and groaned to the gods. “For the last time Romelle, I need you to hang back.” Leaning forward he lowered his voice, “I really need you to watch Nadia.”

Romelle threw up her hands, a whining noise escaping. “You’re putting me on babysitting duty? What if you break a leg? If I’m with you I could swoop in and cast a healing spell! Or, or, boost you with extra speed or strength and save the day! Oh, oh!” Lance took three quick steps back when the daughter of Hecate’s hands flew up in excitement, magic crackling off her fingers. “I’ve been working on some offense spells and this levitation spell. If I get close enough to Keith I could just levitate him and bam!”

Lance silently prayed to the gods to shut the girl up. “Romelle, please just watch Nadia?” Lance widened his eyes and laid it on thick. “You’re the only one that I can trust to protect her.”

Her lip pushed out in a pout, huffing, she crossed her arms and turned away. “Fine. But you are wasting my talents.”

“And I will forever regret it.”

She rolled her eyes, popping out her hip and pinning him with a stare. “I know you’re mocking me but you will regret it. And when you lose against Keith you’ll have no one to blame but yourself and I will laugh.”

Lance huffed and spluttered before settling on a stilted laugh. ”Ha, ahahaha, ha. No. Because I will beat Keith because I know him better than anyone here and therefore know the best way to defeat him!”

“Yeah but doesn’t that mean that he knows how to defeat you?”

“W-well, in theory—“

“Which is why you should put me in front He’ll never see it coming!”

Irritation grated on Lance’s last nerve as she rambled on. He loved Romelle and she was a key player in his plan but by gods she was annoying to deal with sometimes. She was two years younger than him and just as annoying as he was then. To a point she reminded him of himself, except more cringe—but that might just be him.

“—In fact, you should bring me with you to keep you from getting distracted by your crush on Keith—“

“Woah, woah, no, wrong,” Lance interrupted, taking Romelle by the shoulders and physically turning her and walking her forward. “No, nope, there’s no crush and you have your position. Just stay with Nadia and make sure she stays out of trouble.”

“—But!”

Lance pushed her forward towards where Nadia was fumbling with her shoulder straps. “Bye!”

Ignoring her complains he turned on his heel and marched away. Romelle was a sweet kid with ideas too big for her brain, and some of them were completely ridiculous! Him? Letting a crush ruin this? Nah, this has been in the works since Keith first flattened him on his back the first day of training. Sure, the rivalry might have not been at the forefront, especially with the last few quests but it’s still there! And it will continue to be there until Lance beats Keith.

Crush or no crush he will defeat Keith Kogane.

-

Lance waited in the front of his troops, the point in a semi-angular formation. He could barely make out the speck of red in the distance. The enemy’s flag.

He swallowed, feeling stones in his throat, pressing, making it harder to breathe. Sweat beaded up under his armor as he waited for Coran to blow the whistle, making his orange T-shirt cling to his chest under his chest plate.

As he stared at his goal with his friends and allies behind him he could almost feel his heart rate calm. He had a rock solid plan and a secret weapon. He knew Keith inside and out. In fact, Keith was probably snapping at James or Rebecca for poking at his plans.

Today was the day he was finally going to prove, at least to himself, that he could keep up with Keith.

The whistle blew and he could feel his lungs expand with humid air as he and team shouted, charging into the forest.

-

Lance’s heart pounded in his chest as his team broke into groups. Each group disappearing in the foliage and leaving the sword-competent veteran kids in front.

He and the first line of defense battled through the first wave of campers, the red handkerchiefs fluttering like butterfly wings with each disarmed kid.  He let Francesca of Athena’s cabin organize a small troop to tie them up, uncurling a length of rope from her enchanted fanny pack—which, normally, hideous, now, very useful.

Lance scanned the woods around them, so far no one in sight. He could hear the sounds of fighting in the distance, the clashing of swords and the dull thuds of weapons against shields. They couldn’t be more than a fourth of a mile away. His nose stung from the scent of smoke, someone—probably a Hephaestus kid—launching Greek fire at someone smoke rising off to the left of him.

“I’m going on ahead. Stand your ground here and wait for the archers to move up.”

Francesca didn’t look up from where she was tying up the other team. “Shall we proceed as normal or send reinforcements to—“ she nodded in the direction of the plume of black smoke.

Lance was already jogging ahead through the trees. “Send three of the archers over and go ahead!” he called over his shoulder.

Further away there was another explosion, more kids shouting in either fear or indignation. It seems like Keith didn’t waste time in bringing out the big guns. The quickest route is a straight line, after all.

He sprinted forward, uncaring to see if his group followed him, he was a man on a mission. Bursting through the trees and into a small clearing—that was smack dab in the middle way of the two flags—he shouted and brought his drawn sword down.

Another sword screeched against his as he stared right into the shocked eyes of Keith Kogane, close enough to see the whites of his eyes and the enlarged pupils surrounded by a galaxy of colors. They narrowed in concentration as he pushed against the sword. Lance smirking as he let him throw him off.

Keith didn’t look particularly surprised, maybe disgruntled at how Lance attacked first but not from his presence. Keith might be direct in his battle tactics but he was never one to search for glory for himself (something Lance learned about him after, oh, the fifth adventure he went on with him). He probably had another group headed for the flag but Lance wasn’t worried. They were fine.

Lance casually swung his sword around, twisting his wrist in what only looked like a complicated maneuver. “Surprised, Mullet? Thought I’d bring the fight to you this time.”

Keith lunged forward and swiped at Lance, making him dance back. Advancing, Keith slashed at Lance; his attacks practiced and smooth. Lance could barely keep up as he deflected each attack, each hit jolting his wrist making it ache.

Just as his back hit a tree he used his sword to guide Keith’s momentum from his swing to the tree trunk, his sword embedded into the bark above Lance’s head.

Keith panted, his chest heaving in his T-shirt, not even wearing any armor—the idiot. Sweat dripped from his temple and his eyes were lit up as a smile played at the corners of his mouth. “What fight?”

Lance felt his face screw up and his heart speed up as anger and adrenaline mixed in a dangerous cocktail in his chest. “Oh, screw you.”

And he punched Keith in the stomach.

Keith’s wheezed as his breath left him, hand slacking on the handle of his sword. Lance kicked his chest, pushing him away and losing his grip on the blade. Lance tore the blade from the tree and threw it on the ground in front of him, face hot and chest tight.

“I might not be the greatest half-blood of this generation but I’m just as good a fighter as you,” Lance gritted out, heart drumming against his breastbone.

“What?” Keith wheezed, reaching out to grab his sword, stumbling to a stand.

It took a minute for everything to catch up to him but when it did Lance felt the adrenaline dip down, leaving him shaky but there’s just enough for him to say what’s been bothering him.

“We have been on practically every quest together since we came here when we were twelve. You lead practically every quest, you’re the best fighter, you are… so hard to chase after. I just—“ Lance wanted to look away. He wanted to look away from the realization flickering across Keith’s face. He swallowed hard and kept his head up. “I just want you to take me seriously for once.”

“Lance,” Keith started, eyes scrunching up, nose wrinkling. “What are you talking about? I always take you seriously.”

Lance sighed, shoulders slumping. “Dude—“ He barely heard the whistling of air, his arm moving before he fully registered the action. His sword clanged against a familiar sword, diverting its path from his face.

“Dude! What the fuck?!” he shouted at Keith.

Keith was already on the move, running toward where Lance knocked his sword and scooping it up before running at him.

Lance blocked when Keith slashed down, the contact reverberating down his arm. They pushed against each other, swords sliding, the screech of metal on metal grating Lance’s ears.

“I always take you seriously,” Keith gritted out before dancing back on light feet. “Why do I always choose you to be on the quests with me?”

“I don’t know,” Lance snapped back, out of breath, stepping back in to swipe at Keith’s leg, barely nicking the fabric of his jeans when he dodged. “Because Coran told you to.”

“No you, dumbass.” They circled each other; eyes open for any opening in their defenses. Keith went on the offense, sprinting forward to aim at the vulnerable parts of Lance not covered by his breastplate.

Lance caught Keith’s sword with his own, locking them together and wrenching Keith’s sword out of his hand. Before he could swing his sword around Keith tackled him to the ground. Lance hit the ground hard, sword falling somewhere and the breath knocked out of him, making him wheeze.

Keith sitting on his stomach didn’t help him with the breathing situation. A hand was wrapped around his wrist and another on his shoulder, pinning him down. Lance gasped for breath, neck straining as Keith was haloed above him like some sort of godsdamned angel.

“I choose you,” he panted, “because you always have my back. I trust you.”

Keith’s expression was fierce. Brows furrowed and lips pressed in a firm line, ready to attack if Lance dared to disagree with him. His eyes were flitting over his face, searching, open.

The trick with Keith is that his scowly face and general grumpy body language only made him look like a closed book locked in a box in an underground safe. His eyes were what gives him away every time, which is why he never wins the poker nights with any of the Hermes kids. That and he sucked at lying.

Lance huffed out a laugh, head falling back to the ground with a soft thunk. He convinced himself for years that when he and Keith were equal then he’d be good enough. He spent so much time trying to convince himself and others that he was just as good as Keith when, apparently, Keith always thought he was.

Gods, he just… really liked him.

“Why are you laughing?” Keith demanded, “I’m being serious here.”

Lance quieted until he had a big, goofy grin stretched across his cheeks. Keith was still glaring at him from where he was sitting on his stomach. “I know you are.” He closed his eyes and groaned. “Gods, I’m so stupid.”

Keith’s mouth twisted like he ate a lemon. He eased the pressure on Lance’s wrist and shoulder, settling back onto the bone of his pelvis. “What was this about, Lance?”

“How about I tell you after I beat you?” Lance taunted, smirking up at him.

“I’m on top of you. I think that ship s—gah!”

Lance braced his feet against the ground, thrusting his pelvis up and jostling Keith into a tabletop position above him, his right arm still trapped but Keith’s left hand slipped to press into the dirt by Lance’s head. He used the opportunity to use his left arm to hug the one trapping his wrist at the elbow. Planting his left foot on the other side of the leg Keith has pressed against his side he pushed, toppling Keith over and landing between his thighs.

Keith was disoriented enough to allow Lance to swipe his sword from where it fell, hovering the blade above Keith’s throat.

Lance leaned over the demigod under him, his hair just long enough to fall forward and tickle his ears. He braced his hand against Keith’s shoulder, keeping him pinned just in case. His sword was close enough that with one sudden move Keith would need a medic and a ton of ambrosia.

Keith’s eyes were wide, darting back and forth between the blade and his eyes. Lance pressed harder on his shoulder. He didn’t want to actually hurt him but he still wasn’t about to lose either.

His cheeks were pink and he licked his lips, opening his mouth to speak when the woods erupted in cheers around them.

Lance straightened, head twisting around to see if he could see whose team was cheering. “Wait, who won?”

He stood up and wandered to the edge of the clearing. Where was his team? Godsdamn someone just tell him who won!

Behind him, Keith stood up, face hidden by his bangs as he dusted himself off. Combing his fingers through his hair Keith walked over. “Can you see the banner from here?”

Lance sighed and shook his head. The trees had too much cover and they were in a little dip between the two flags. Wherever he looked it was just more and more trees.

The cheering got louder, the trees shaking with celebration. From the direction of Keith’s base, a small crowd of screaming kids from the Ares and Hephaestus cabin surged through the foliage. Seeing Keith they cheered even louder, nearly popping Lance’s eardrums.

Crowding around them they grabbed onto Keith and hoisted him in the air, chanting.

Behind him, he felt a couple of hands on his shoulders. Lucas’s mouth was twisted in a rueful smile, squeezing his shoulder. Katy next to him, arms crossed and hair a mess of twigs and mud.

It took a hot second for everything to process. The exuberant cheers from the other team and how his own was tolerating it.

“We lost?” Katy sighed, chest moving with how deep it was, and nodded. She dug into her hair and flicked out a berry. Disbelief filled his entire being; he could feel his eyebrows crawl to the top of his forehead. “How?” He gestured to Keith who was finally being put down from his grinning team. “I had everything planned. I know him so well I might as well had his plans!”

“Lance,” Keith called, lips quirking at the side, head tilted slightly and eyes surprisingly soft. “You forget. I know you just as well as you know me.”

-

Lance pouted as he turned his marshmallow. The bonfire in front of him an excited red, so bright it could probably be seen from space. That color definitely came from the Ares kids, they were celebrating enough for the whole camp.

He wasn’t upset per se but he wasn’t exactly jumping for joy. He wasn’t bright red happy. Maybe a muted orange or a consolatory yellow—godsdamnit! He was so sure they would win!

He couldn’t help the pout on his lips as he let the marshmallow fall off to sizzle in the fire with a wet plop. Poking around the fire, letting the tip of his stick catch fire and watching it burn, he didn’t notice the presence that literally popped in next to him.

He jerked as Romelle and Nadia materialized into existence next to him. ”Holy Hera, don’t do that!” Romelle pouted at him, crossing her arms as she flickered in and out of existence like static. An ace bandage was slapped on her forehead and a Hello Kitty Band-Aid was barely hanging on to her chin.

Nadia settled in next to him, slowly becoming solid as Romelle’s magic wore off. He handed her a fresh marshmallow.

Romelle stomped closer, still not saying anything but clearly saying something. He eyed her warily as she glared at him, the flickering slowing down until she was fully solid. He bit the bullet.

“You couldn’t have done that during capture the flag?” he snipped at her.

Her hand shot out before he even registered her moving, smacking him on the head. “You couldn’t have told me I was a part of your little scheme?!”

“That’s because you can’t keep a secret for sh—“ Lance cut himself off and placed his hands on either side of Nadia’s head, ignoring her insulted look. “Shit,” he mouthed over her head.

Nadia smacked his hands off her head exclaiming that she knew what swear words were. She reached around him and snagged another marshmallow or three. Her voice was a little muffled as she tried to speak with her cheeks full like a little chipmunk. “When we were separated we were hit by green balls of fire. Romelle saved me but she was knocked out.”

Romelle gingerly touched her bandage, a dejected smile touching her lips. At his look she waved off his concern before squinting her eyes at him in a playful glare. “Next time, McClain, let me in on the plan instead of having your sister tell me when we’re under attack by Greek fire.”

Lance winced. “Sorry about that, won’t do it again.” He looked between Romelle and Nadia. “Other than that you two were okay?”

“Oh yeah!” Romelle exclaimed, waving her arm in a grand gesture as if to brush off his concern but only making it look like she was swatting at a mosquito. “When we were under attack I went bwoosh and Nadia was like aahhh, but in a good way. She even got a hit in before we were captured!”

“Yeah?” Lance looked over to where Nadia was blushing. “So you had a good first capture the flag?”

She looked over at him, dark cheeks still flushed with color from Romelle’s praise. “Green balls of fire,” she deadpanned.

Lance sighed, resigned and not willing to push it. She isn’t the first Aphrodite kid to be more of a lover than a fighter. And if she didn’t like it there wasn’t much he could do about it.

“…But it was fun.”

Lance felt his eyebrows climb up his forehead, a grin spreading over his face. “Really?”

With a tiny smile, Nadia nodded.

“I’m glad, Chiquita,” Lance said reaching over to ruffle her hair.

“We can totally pair up in the future,” Romelle added giving Nadia a side hug. “Now that we got a good strategy!”

Lance rolled his eyes. “Romelle, Keith already knows what I was planning. That was how he knocked you out.”

With a heavy sigh, Romelle crossed her arms and popped out a hip. “Ugh, that guy. He knows you too well.”

“Five years will do that.”

They all jerked to the new voice, Nadia releasing a little “eep” of surprise.

Keith settled in next to him on the log bench, legs stretched out in front of him with his hands tucked into a red zip-up over his orange Camp Half-Blood T-shirt. The fire reflecting in his eyes in reds and pinks, turning his normally blue eyes purple, as he soaked up its warmth. He had the barest touch of a smirk on his face. “You’re gonna have to work harder than that to surprise me.”

A few years back Lance would immediately think that Keith was mocking him. Rubbing the fact that he lost in his face and he would never be better than him. And, to be honest, a little voice still nags at him about it. At certain times like after losing a match or Keith being chosen for a quest. Telling him that he would never be able to be good enough, to catch up, be his equal.

But that voice has quieted. Because he knows Keith better and he knows himself better. He’s not a scared eleven-year-old running away from monsters that chased him out of his bed.

That doesn’t mean he’ll take his smack talk lying down.

“Hmm, mmhm, says the guy who I defeated today. Remember that? You know, when you were pinned down with your own sword to your throat? Hmmm?” Lance goaded, leaning ever so closer, smug smile on his face.

Red spread across Keith’s face, all the way to his ears and down his neck. “You just caught me off guard!” he shot back.

“Uh huh,” Lance was close enough to see the faint flecks of purple in Keith’s eyes. Could see how soft and smooth his skin was. A dumb, impulsive voice telling him to cup his cheek and run his thumb across it to see just how soft his skin was. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Keith scowled, lips pursing into a pout. “Whatever.” He pulled back, just an inch, and looked away, the color rising in his cheeks. “I wanted to talk to you. In—“ his eyes looked away, glancing over all the eyes on them, “private.”

Lance’s heart drummed against his breastbone. An unsteady beat that threw him off balance, unable to get back on his feet. They were too close. His heart was too fast. He had too many feelings. There were too many—

“Kiss, kiss, kiss!” A group of, unfortunately, familiar sounding voices chanted.

—people.

Lance grimaced and buried his face to hide from the world. Could a magical earthquake open up underneath him and swallow him up, please? Like right now? Where are the gods when you need them?!

Godsdamnit, he was reconsidering on the no-facemasks but not anymore those ungrateful demigods. His siblings are the worst.

Lance stood up, cheeks hot, embarrassment making his chest tight. “Come on, Keith.” He stuffed his hands in his jeans and stalked off towards the lake, ignoring the suggestive catcalls as they left.

It wasn’t a full moon but there was enough light that he could make his way down to the dock easily. The lights from the cabins fading away as the half-moon guided him to where he could think without eyes on him.

“You wanted to talk, yeah?” Lance finally asked, knowing the answer. He slowed to a stop as they approached the lake. “I’m sorry if they embarrassed you.” In his peripheral Keith shrugged.

“I don’t care what they say.”

Lance nodded, watching how the moon’s reflection wavered in the water. The silence that fell over them wasn’t uncomfortable. Just…heavy. Heavy with a lot of things left unsaid. And things that should be. He sat down on the dock, legs dangling over the edge. Keith sat down next to him.

“Are you,” Keith started in this halting, careful way of his whenever he’s dealing with Lance’s emotions. Like every word to be weighed and judged before being deemed adequate. “Okay?”

Lance sighed, trying to get some of the poison out, his chest feeling a little bit lighter for it. “I’m cool. They’re just… so fucking dumb.”

Keith snorted. “They can’t be worse than my cabin. There’s a mutiny every single day. At least your cabin respects you and listens to you.”

“Oh, oh, oh, Keith, my man, my dude, you don’t know the psychological horrors my siblings would put you through.”

Keith side-eyed him, a smirk play on his lips. “Yeah… but you seem to handle it pretty well.”

Lance… couldn’t argue with that. He tipped his head back and groaned to the stars and the moon. ”Ugh, why are you so mature and shit?”

The low chuckled sent a shiver down Lance’s spine. He crossed his arms to make it look like it was because of the cold. “I don’t know, patience yields—“

“—focus,” Lance finished. Lance shook his head. “Gods, Shiro, off adventuring and still finding ways to make us mature adults.”

“I wouldn’t say that college in New Rome is an adventure—“

“It so is an adventure!” Lance leaned forward, eyes just as big as his smile as he tried to inject some of his enthusiasm into Keith’s grumpy butt. “It’s college. A couple of years ago that wouldn’t have been an option for us. Come on, man, just imagine it, going to classes, sleeping in a dorm, getting a degree. I bet you, you would have the time of your life.”

Keith bit his lip, brow furrowed and too slow in disguising his emotions from Lance of all people. His face smoothed out into bland indifference.

“So, speaking about bets,” Keith prompted, a touch too neutral.

Lance examined Keith’s face. Watched how despite his neutral tone and how indifferent he tried to come across the muscle in his jaw still jumped and the tense muscles around his eyes asked him to leave the subject for another day. He slumped back, shoulders dropping as he whined, “what kind of horribly embarrassing thing do you want me to do? Clean out the Pegasus stalls? Follow you around with a sign that says ‘Keith is the greatest?’”

He heard a snort next to him and he felt a small thrill of victory. A smile peeked through as Keith shook his head, face relaxed once again. He cleared his throat and turned towards Lance, the color high in his cheeks.

“You have to…” Keith trailed off, the muscles in his face twitching with little micro expressions that Lance couldn’t name. “You have to… uh, I want—“ Keith’s lips twisted into a pained grimace.

Lance smirked, “You having some difficulties there, buddy?”

Keith huffed out a breath, blowing his bangs out of his red-stricken face. ”No, I just don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do.”

His shoulders shook from his laughter. That was so on-brand for Keith Lance isn’t even surprised. “That’s the point, man. That’s what a bet is. Making someone do something they don’t want to do.”

“Well, I don’t want to make you do what you don’t want to do.” The spots of color high on Keith’s cheeks seemed to glow brighter as his back straightened, his honor and noble-ness no doubt bolstering him. Like a knight. It would be stupid if it weren’t so attractive.

Lance smothered a smile that was starting to creep up, though Keith could probably hear it in his voice. “How about… you tell me what it is or whatever. And if I’m, like, super against it I’ll tell you no.” He fanned out his hands in a nonchalant gesture. “Sounds fair?”

Keith gnawed on his lip and nodded. His thumb ran over his knuckles as he looked at the water instead of him, clasping his hands together to stop. His lips barely moved, the sound escaping in a breathy mumble as Keith stared daggers into the fire.

“…I’m not gonna lie, I have no idea what you just said.”

Keith groaned and covered his face with his hands, still resolutely not looking at Lance.

Feeling so incredibly amused at this apparent torture Lance bit his lip because laughing at Keith’s pain would be mean. Shuffling closer, he leaned into Keith’s personal space. Close enough that he could see the flush of his skin and the faint, faint, faint freckles he sometimes gets when out in the sun too long between his fingers.

Seeing how close Lance was Keith squeezed his eyes shut and dug the heels of his palm into his eyes. A heatedly whispered, ”fuck,” later and he bites out, “do you want to go on a date with me?”

Skkkkrrt. Wait. Rewind. “What?”

Keith instantly shot up, body turning, tense and jumpy. “Fuck, never mind.”

Before he could get too far Lance had a hand on his shoulder and the other grasping his sleeve. Somehow right next to him before he even realized that he moved.

“Wait. Yes— what— yes,” he stuttered out before his mouth could do any more harm.

He used his grip to gently turn Keith more towards him. He had his arms crossed in front of him, fingers gripping the fabric of the jacket, a scowl he hasn’t seen since their first year in place. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

His heart beat faster than when he faced down that Nemean lion. And somehow this was scarier than almost becoming cat food. Heat flared in his cheeks as he lowered his voice, cautious of the prying ears around the campfire. “I want to.”

Keith’s face softened, the scowl fading into a vulnerable look Lance had only seen a handful of times. He bit his lip and sat back down.

Lance sat next to him, not close enough to touch but enough for him to easily lean over and rest his hand between them. He didn’t want to push what already felt new and fragile. Baby steps. He was 96% sure that Keith would jump out of his skin and fall into the lake if he as much as puts his arm around him.

“Are you sure?” Keith blurted out, forcing Lance to drag his gaze from shark-toothed grins.

It’s almost as if he has Hermes’ flying shoes flying around in his stomach, kicking around and messing up the place. The idea of going out with Keith… that Keith wanting to go out with him… made him far too giddy for his own good.

“Absolutely. I told you I would say no if I didn’t right?” Lance bumped his shoulder against Keith’s. “You’re not calling me a liar are ya?”

Keith scoffed, leaning back on his hands, his fingers overlapping his. His fingers practically burned at the contact. “Never.” Those same fingers shifted and weaved between his, falling together like puzzle pieces. He smirked and looked over at him, hair parting so he could see his eyes. “I know you far too well for that.”

#vld #klance #PJO au #lance #keith #nadia #romelle #Swordplay and Strawberry Fields #lexwrites #whew boi it's been a hot second since i posted anything #hello

[canarhys]

hOLY SHIT I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT YOUR ACCOUNT BUT JFC I LOVE IT AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DUDE Can you make a Valdangelo Godswap AU? You might know what this is from, but could you do Aphrodite Nico with Athena Leo? Leo's like a HUGE nerd and Nico's super hot and cute and always has glitter on his face, obsessed with pink, etc jfc, Leo has a huge crush on Nico and Nico also has a huge crush on Leo, but both of them are sO OBLIVIOUS and are constantly trying to improve themselves for eachother :))

“piper. piper, please explain this. piper, i’m legit about to start crying right now, you have no idea—“

“dude,” the daughter of hermes interrupted, “just like...breathe.”

[[MORE]]

“i can’t!” leo threw his arms up in the air, the predicament he was facing clearly taking a toll on his mental state — not good for a son of athena. “piper — have you seen him? i physically can’t speak whenever he tries to talk to me!”

“it’s just nico, leo,” piper soothed her friend, whose emotions were the equivalent of a knott’s berry farm roller coaster. “you went on a quest with him one time.”

“that was a year ago!” leo exclaimed. “when i had no clue that i had a crush on him and we weren’t totally awkward with each other.” his face suddenly curled in horror. “oh my god, i had acne back then. he probably thinks i’m ugly—“

“okay!” piper yelled out, grabbing leo’s arm and pulled him out of the hermes cabin quickly, making him yelp when, in a split second, he was outside and he could actually taste the oxygen on his tongue. piper placed her hands on her hips as she looked at him taking back in the air he lost. “better?”

“physically, yes,” he answered. in contrast, his brain was having a fucking field day. because only ten minutes ago, piper had brought to light the idea that leo had a crush on nico — the revelation which had caused the son of athena to have a mental breakdown because he was that oblivious to his own feelings. and it wasn’t something to feel proud of, because leo had felt that he understood everything about himself up until now.

so he didn’t even bother to question why he felt his face flush whenever nico complimented him, or why he felt butterflies in his stomach whenever nico placed a hand on his shoulder. and it made him internally scream to no end at how, for a child of an intelligent goddess, he was such a dumbass.

“well, you’re fine now,” piper said. “i haven’t seen you have this much of a heart attack since the whole jason incident... for the same reason. god, athena kids are hopeless romantics.”

“shut up, piper!” leo flapped his hands. “i just need to think for a second.”

his friend’s face contorted into sympathy, and she placed a hand on his shoulder. it made leo feel guilty. whenever something was ‘too much,’ he tended to lash out because he was having a crisis wrapping his head around whatever was happening. he apologized but she told him not to worry.

“it’s just... i just... i don’t even know,” he mumbled, burying his face in her chb t-shirt. “i think i like him... a lot? he’s really cute and i’m really bad at confessing my feelings for people. plus he’s a child of aphrodite! he’s basically out of my league.”

she grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look her in the eye. “i’m sorry, whose brilliant idea was it to create demigod cell phones that don’t attract monsters?”

leo didn’t answer and she nudged him slightly before he mumbled a small “...me.”

“and who was able to behead an entire column of cyclopes with a single ballista fire?”

leo started laughing. “me.”

“and who fought the leader of an army of rabid hellhounds and speared him through the chest?”

“okay, okay, i get it!” leo exclaimed, his smile crinkling his eyes. “that was me.”

“if you are able to defeat a rogue demigod in under a split second, then you are out of nico’s league! if he doesn’t return your feelings, then he has to raise his standards!”

leo snorted before hugging piper tight, the touch-starved soul within him begging to encase his best friend in a big hug. piper really knew how to rile people up.

“piper, have i ever told you how amazing you are?”

“i mean... i always knew, but okay.”

leo would’ve punched her if she wasn’t being amazing right now.

suddenly he felt piper shift under his embrace, he looked up and saw her with an uncomfortable expression. “uh, dude—”

“valdez?”

his heart suddenly stopped at the sound of the gravelly voice that belonged to the one and only man of his dreams. he turned around on impulse, which was a mistake because he was suddenly frozen on the spot and his fingers weren’t even moving an inch and leo was pretty sure his mind wasn’t any better because nico was right there—

if you asked leo valdez what his favorite thing about nico di angelo was, he probably wouldn’t answer and just spontaneously combust. nico di angelo had an inch on him, less thin limbs and more... well, hotness. he had smooth olive skin with galaxies upon galaxies of freckles, curled hair that was currently in a weak (yet cute) ponytail, and he was wearing a pink leather jacket with studs and clips. his dark eyes were glittered up under the lids, giving him almost a fairy look that nearly made leo collapse on his own.

leo probably looked like a gaping fish, his face dark and flushed. nico wasn’t helping. because he wasn’t saying anything either and leo really needed him to hand him a subject because if he wasn’t, leo was going to accidentally fall into his arms and kiss him senseless—

“can i...” nico started, before clearing his throat. leo was swerving by the raspiness of his voice. “can i talk to you for a minute?”

leo glanced at piper, who was hiding a thumbs up that only leo could see. he looked back to nico and could only nod.

leo said his goodbyes to the daughter of hermes and followed his crush to camp half-blood’s lake, a shimmering blue that reflected the sun overhead, a small dock leading out towards the water. leo caught sight of some water spirits, who waved at him flirtily, and he forced himself not to blush as he shyly waved back.

“that was your friend?” nico asked. he had perched himself on the edge of the small wooden dock, the darkness of his raven hair pulling away by the streams of sunlight illuminating it. he looked gorgeous as the sun cascaded across his freckled skin. his legs were crossed, and he was looking at leo with a weird face. leo didn’t know what emotion he was expressing but he hoped it wasn’t bad.

“huh?” he realized after around 9.5 seconds that nico was talking to him. “oh, yeah, piper! we’ve been friends since we were kids, we’re pretty close.”

nico raised an eyebrow before humming in acknowledgement. what, did he want him to say they were dating or something? leo could never figure him out, which was probably why leo liked him for some stupid reason — the only equation he couldn’t solve.

nico patted the empty space next to him. “sit,” he said.

leo blinked before walking over to where he was, crouching down to sit upon the dock and let his feet dangle over the edge.

“why did you want to talk to me?” leo asked. (if he had been looking, he would’ve seen nico curse under his breath.)

“oh, um, i was lonely... yeah, because my friends are on a date and they’re like the only people i hang out with so...”

leo felt his high hopes drop to a new low. oh. that’s why he brought him here. leo felt a bubble of spite fill his stomach, more towards himself than towards nico. because of course nico wouldn’t want to converse with him in the first place — leo was so insignificant that he was barely a mole on a baby’s ass. the new information already made him want to jump in the lake and leave camp.

“so i’m like your rebound?” he joked, almost sarcastically, and his eyes widened when nico’s head snapped towards him in an almost defensive position.

“no!” he yelled. “i wouldn’t just do that to you. you’re... uh...” he coughed. “you’re fun to talk to...”

the spite bubble popped, and he made a soft “oh.” he really wished he knew how any of his nerdy rants and book reviews were “fun,” since those were majority of his conversations with the son of love. nico was from the 30s, which meant that he didn’t know much from this era and leo had once been a bit of a tour guide. once in a while he would bring up a topic that leo was obsessed with and he would go into a thirty minute explanation into star wars or dc comics. then he would promptly realize that he’s been infodumping and die on the inside.

nico sighed. “look, i really enjoy your company. you’re smart and you have funny jokes.”

leo made a face. “all of my jokes are inside jokes that no one understands.”

“...yeah, but they’re funny when you know the material?”

leo couldn’t help it. he giggled. “sure, you’re just saying that.” he twiddled with his thumbs, dreading for when the conversation was going to hit death valley where neither of them knew what they were going to say. “what do you want to talk about?”

“i don’t actually know?” nico laughed, a short yet heavenly laugh where his eyes closed like butterfly wings and his mouth curled in a dashing smile. “i’m not good at conversation starters.”

“honestly same,” leo replied. “i’m pretty sure all my dialogue has been entirely based on this book series i...” he dragged his sentence before facepalming. “uh, sorry, i don’t know why i’m—”

“no, no!” nico suddenly grabbed his wrists, and leo skin felt cleansed by the touch of fingerless gloves against his arm. “tell me about it.”

leo raised his eyebrow. he had never done this before. “you sure? i can go on about it for an hour and you won’t be able to stop me.”

“no, i’m sure.” he placed leo’s hands back down on his lap. “tell me.”

that was enough of a catalyst to start talking about the latest book collection he had gotten his hands on (in greek, of course), the six of crows duology. he had finished the grisha trilogy just a month ago (in under a week, he might add), and had bought the two books at the camp’s bookstore. he had finished the first book in a single day and read again because it was just that good, but he was struggling to find time to read the other one. he had asked nico if he wanted to hear spoilers (to which nico nodded wordlessly), and leo had then gone into a rant about how dumb kaz was for not actually trying to show inej his feelings or how nina was way too good for matthias (both of which now sounds pretty relevant to the situation), then started screaming about wylan and jesper and wouldn’t stop talking about their cute dynamic and suddenly he was on the topic of grisha as a whole.

the entire time nico was just nodding and looking at him, but as leo was explaining the chemistry of all the book’s relationships, he noticed nico had a lost expression on his face. he was staring at leo, eyes gazing longingly at him with a soft smile and tint of blush on his cheeks (leo suspected it was makeup). the glitter under his eyelashes were prominent, bright pink and gold and adding beautiful contrast to his entire looks. his hair was cascading around his face in ripples. was he daydreaming? leo stopped talking to prove his theory, and nico didn’t stop staring. was he a little too much?

“do i have something on my face?” he questioned, making nico snap back into reality.

“w-what?” nico stuttered.

“you’re staring,” leo mumbled, averting his eyes from the beautiful boy. “i knew it, i’m ranting too much.”

“no, no!” nico exclaimed, waving his hands for emphasis. leo noticed his black and pink nail polish. “it’s just... your eyes are striking.”

leo an inhuman noise, confused. nico realized what he said and immediately tried to recover.

“cause they’re... uh, they’re scary! yeah, they can kill a man in one hit. i should know, i saw you take down a monster twice your size.”

there was silence. it made sense. his eyes were brown, differing from his siblings’ gray ones, yet they were still sharp and jason claimed they made him nervous when they first met. leo didn’t know if he should be proud or not. it was one thing to strike fear in enemies’ hearts. it was another to strike fear in your friends’.

“uh, thanks man,” leo said, internally scolding himself for not having a proper answer. “yours are... neat.”

neat, he screamed at himself. neat! of all the fucking words in the world, that’s what he said. god, athena must be shaking her head in disappointment in olympus. sorry mom.

(it was a travesty since neat was an understatement when it came to nico di angelo.)

“you know what, i’m sorry,” leo apologized, standing up and backing away. “i have a project i need to work on and jake has been asking me to help him with something, i should go—”

“wait!” nico stood up abruptly, which was the worst mistake of his entire life because leo watched in shock as his foot stuttered under the lack of wood under it and sent nico toppling down into the lake below. leo cried out, rushing towards the water and looking over the dock to see nico pop up from the water and gasp for air.

his black bangs stuck to his face, dripping wet with the hair tie forming his ponytail missing. he pulled the strands from his eyes, looking up at leo who had his hands over his mouth as if he was afraid of what nico was going to say next.

“are you okay?” leo asked, trying to ignore how nico still looked breathtaking after taking a dunk into the half-blood waters.

nico slapped his hands down in the water, the flying droplets hitting leo’s face and making him wince. “do i look okay?”

leo didn’t answer, looking down at the dock in shame, and already his brain was about to burst and now he was probably going to cry? because this is like the worst thing to happen to him in forever and now nico is mad at him and he won’t be his friend anymore and all this stuff was making his stomach feel like excommunicating every single acid in it. “sorry.”

“oh fuck, um, wait, oh gods wait, no, it’s my fault i— leo, hold on!”

leo could barely hear him as he did the only thing he could think of doing, not even bothering a second glance as he ran away to the athena cabin.

—

nico was an idiot.

no scratch that, nico was literally the god of idiots. the whole enchilada of idiots with an idiot army by his side.

being a son of aphrodite, nico expected himself to be a master when it came to emotions, especially romantic ones. and it showed, by his ability to patch up relationships between other campers and help them get ready for their dates with his wardrobe expertise. he was able to make monsters swoon by his voice only to set them up to kill them. he was the one, after all, that knocked sense into percy that he had a crush on annabeth.

but all of that was thrown out the window by leo valdez.

cute, adorable leo, who went for hours on end with tv series and science rantings that nico couldn’t even comprehend because he was always staring at his face, starry eyed and so passionate that it made his chest hurt. whose intelligence was able to bring down a rogue demigod general in the titan war. who was so easy to fluster and make laugh till he couldn’t breathe.

so, nothing could have compared to the absolute disaster he was when they talked a week ago.

first strike was when he had forgotten to create a valid reason to speak with him (anything other than him wanting to stare at leo in a non-creepy way) and fucked it up by explaining that he was some sort of rebound. a rebound! leo wasn’t a rebound, he was a goddamn blessing!

then was when he was caught and he replied with, “your eyes are striking.” he tried to ignore that part because he had never been that stupid, and his explanation wasn’t any better because leo probably took offense of him calling him scary (which he can be but nico likes his face).

finally — falling in the lake. the one thing he was not prepared for, making him so pissed off at how bad he was at this whole feelings thing that he accidentally lashed out at leo. it was the worst — seeing hurt cross over leo’s face with a dejected expression, and nico failing to speak a coherent apology before leo took off, obviously wanting nothing to do with him after he was such a jackass.

which he was, no doubt about it. he wondered what he did wrong, sitting by his vanity, now dry and doing his own makeup and applying glitter under his eyes. then he realized that everything from the point he realized he liked leo was wrong, because he should’ve known that he can’t be too prideful in his love abilities. and now he drove leo away.

“don’t beat yourself up about it,” reyna said, the daughter of apollo said, cleaning up her golden arrows with a small cloth. she was visiting the camp from the roman one she stayed at. “i’ve met leo. he isn’t the type to hold grudges against someone.”

“i know that!” nico spun around in his chair, crossing his arms in exasperation. “i feel bad though. if he hates me, he has a reason to.”

“if he hates you, he’s obviously a dumbass,” reyna counterpointed. “are you going to apologize though? because i’m tired of seeing you pining and not making any moves.”

“i made a move and it ended with me swimming with the fishes.”

“the only thing you said was that his eyes were pretty.” reyna leaned closer, placing a hand on his shoulder. “step up your game.”

nico scoffed. “i’m getting relationship advice by a sun demigod.”

“i’m being serious.” the daughter of apollo had a stony expression on her face. “it’s important to be yourself, i mean that’s what you told me. but if you want to go all out, go all out. you and leo will continue to avoid each other until you come out to him.”

nico sighed. “okay, but...how?”

reyna grinned, picking up a brush from nico’s vanity. “allow me to help.”

an hour later nico was wearing a mesh t-shirt and black leather jeans with combat boots that were decorated in pink flower embroidery, plus a bubblegum aviator jacket gifted to him by his mother. his hair was let down today, ending at his shoulders and wavy like ocean seas, with clips holding up his long bangs. he had his eyelashes curled and eyelids brushed with eyeshadow, and he looked himself up and down in the mirror along with reyna.

finally his best friend gave him a thumbs up. now the challenge was knowing what to say.

“knock him dead!” reyna called out. “well, don’t actually. but you’ll do great.”

“thanks!” nico called out. he was about to head to the athena cabin until he bumped into someone who ran straight at him.

“oh shit!” the person yelped, and nico’s thought processes immediately malfunctioned. “sorry, my bad— nico?”

the plan was supposed to be talk to leo, ask him out somewhere, then confess to him and wait for judgement. but that plan was basically burned to ashes when nico found himself struggling to form words as he stared at leo. his dark yet clear and stabbing eyes looking up at him, his skin decorated in small freckles under the eyes and beauty marks dotting his face delicately. his wild dark hair was like smoke, and small owl earrings hung from the lobes of his ears. he was wearing a pale blue shirt under his chb tee, blue shorts and high socks, making him look like an absolute nerd especially with a small pencil tucked above his ear and gods, nico could feel himself reaching elysium.

nico registered that he was holding leo to keep the shorter from falling, hands on his tiny waist that made his mind even more jumbled until leo’s loud and rapid voice started speaking.

“oh, nico, thank gods i found you! i wanted to say sorry, i’ve honestly been avoiding you because i thought you were mad at me and you most likely are, and you have the right to because i sent you into the water and i probably ruined your makeup — though you guys probably have waterproof makeup so i don’t know — and i didn’t even help you out which was really stupid of me because i’m supposed to be a nice person and frankly you were dripping wet, wow that sounds really wrong i’m sorry i should probably stop rambling—”

the boy took in a deep breath, but nico was squealing internally about how cute leo was when he rambled. he willed himself not to pinch his cheeks and kiss him on his forehead. “i’m sorry.”

“what?” nico honestly was lost halfway through his rant. “it’s fine, it was my fault. i should be the one apologizing. i yelled at you.”

“yeah but i deserved it,” leo mumbled, looking down at the ground.

“no, you didn’t,” nico retorted, going into defense mode. “i’m sorry, really. you want me to make it up to you?”

leo tilted his head like the goddamn cutie he was. “you don’t have to but... how?”

“let’s head to the bookstore,” nico answered. “you pick out a book and i buy it for you.”

“what?” leo exclaimed, backing up until nico’s hands weren’t on his waist anymore (which totally didn’t make him feel sad). “dude, you seriously don’t have to do that, i mean there’s a library—”

“yeah, but the library doesn’t let you keep the books. i know you like reading them over and over again.” nico held up a bag of drachmas from his pocket. “i have money. you can buy the entire store if you desire. but i’m not letting you get out of this empty handed.”

leo looked ready to go off on an entire explanation of why he wasn’t going to follow nico’s idea, and despite him being one of the best debaters the camp has ever seen, nico was determined to hold his ground because that’s what leo deserved.

leo sighed, noticing that nico wouldn’t budge. “okay, fine!” he groaned. “can i at least pay you back?”

“nope.”

“ugh!”

leo’s worries about this arrangement were quickly diminished though, when leo had seen the fuckton of books that had been added to the bookstore since he had last came there. he was gawking over some of them, even held on to three and continuously checked their summaries to make sure they were good. nico leaned against a bookshelf, non-fiction, staring at leo as he ran his finger across the covers and watched his talk to himself silently, even picking some novels up to read with focused eyes. the son of aphrodite hated how whipped he was, but the son of athena was so pretty that he couldn’t help it.

leo placed one of the books back on the table, though hesitantly. “are you sure you can pay for these?”

nico nodded. “i’m stocked up on money right now. buy whatever you want.”

“i’ll just buy one,” which seemed easier said than done to leo, because he was having an internal debate between two thick novels. he turned to nico and showcased them. “pick, i can’t choose.”

nico scanned the books. one was named the outsider by stephen king, the other children of blood and bone by tomi adeyemi. nico had no idea what their summaries were or if they were actually interesting, but he was pretty sure he could pay for both.

“i can buy both of them,” he said. leo was about to protest but nico snatched both of the books out of his hands. “this all you want?”

“i mean, yeah, but—”

“no buts!” nico interrupted. “you deserve this and you don’t get to think otherwise. you want these or not?”

leo nodded. nico smirked. “good. i’ll be back.”

a minute later nico was handing a paper bag of the two books to leo, who almost didn’t grab it if it wasn’t thanks to nico’s prodding. a smile made its way onto the son of athena’s face, fond and filling nico’s empty stomach with butterflies. he looked absolutely gorgeous.

“thanks, neeks,” he said, before gasping and covering his mouth.

nico felt his cheeks heat up. “neeks?”

“sorry, it just came out!” he clutched the books to his chest as if they were a stuffed toy. “you’re really nice, nico.”

nico felt himself step closer towards leo. “it’s no problem.” but it was a problem, because nico was already in leo’s personal space and trying to think other thoughts than kissing him. “you needed this.”

leo laughed, wheezing slightly and light-hearted. “i guess.” he looked up at nico and the son of aphrodite thought he saw him leaning up towards him until—

leo’s face contorted into absolute horror, his eyes widening as they looked at nico’s shoulder. he screamed in terror, jumping and backing up quickly until he hit his head on a nearby ladder that just-so-happened to be placed next to him. nico could barely register leo holding his head in pain before his eyes rolled up into his head and he promptly fell onto the floor, unconscious.

oh shit.

nico looked down at his shoulder to find a daddy longleg hanging on to it. he yelped and flicked it off to gods’ know where, when the reality of the situation hit him. of course a spider would show up. as if the children of athena couldn’t get enough. as if nico didn’t have enough disastrous experiences caused by him already.

nico had brought leo into the infirmary and asked for the apollo kids to give the books to leo on his way out, before rushing to the aphrodite cabin and saw reyna back there, with a sunflower yellow dress, on her demigod phone when nico opened the door with a slam.

“how’d it go?”

nico thought about the day for a single second before walking towards the bed and falling down face first on it, taking in a breath, and muffled his yelling.

son of love? more like son of dumbass.

—

when leo got out of the infirmary, books in hand, he had willed himself not to drown himself in the camp’s lake.

who decided it was a great idea to make children of athena have arachnophobia? because leo had actually tried to kiss nico, one of the boldest decisions in his life, he may add, only to get severely mortified at a fucking tiny saddy longleg climbing over nico’s shoulder, getting a concussion, and passing out. and he actually tried to look cleaned up, with his best shirt and a small pencil to add. was karma doing this? making himself a humiliation in front of the prettiest boy on earth?

he wanted to march up to athena and demand her he take him up to olympus and away from his feelings.

piper had helped him with the incident from two weeks ago, after helping him a week prior when he had felt horrible about nico falling in the lake. now she was telling him, as she was eating from a bag of chips, that he should just confess and get it over with.

“yeah, like that worked,” he grumbled sarcastically.

the daughter of hermes threw up her hands in exasperation. “leo, you have to be shitting me! at this point, you both are oblivious fucks. right now, you march right over to nico’s cabin, tell him your feelings, and hope it goes well. hell, i’m sure he likes you too!”

leo sputtered. “where?”

piper groaned, lolling her head back as if she was begging her heavenly father to take her back to heaven. “nevermind. just tell him you like him.”

and here leo was, in front of the aphrodite cabin, pink and glossy and full of the prettiest people in camp half-blood. leo used to think the kids in there were airheads and lovebugs until he saw them in battle, especially nico, one of the only aphrodite campers with charmspeak. leo wished he had charmspeak so he could beat some sense into himself to go through that deadbeat door.

he let out a breath, clearing out his mind. well, here he goes.

he raised his hand to knock on the door when it opened to... speak of the devil.

“leo?” nico called out, closing the door behind him. he was wearing the same attire he had on two weeks ago, all dolled up and making leo’s face go from normal to seething warm. “i, um, i’m sorry—”

“you’ve got to be kidding me.”

nico blinked before narrowing his eyes. “excuse me?”

but leo was angry, because his emotions have gotten the best of him for far too long and nico was right there, and leo felt all his common sense get thrown out the window and get replaced by anger at the gods for all these bad happenings and shit. he was angry at himself for holding back so long, and angry at nico for not starting something earlier and pretending they could always go back to how they used to be because, frankly, leo was done. he was finished.

“i’m just gonna come out and say it. i like you, di angelo. i like your gorgeous face and your dumb laugh and i like how you try to apologize for things i neither you can control. i literally just figured i had a crush on you like three weeks ago and honestly i’m just done because i’m a son of athena so love isn’t my strong suit which really isn’t that surprising but you get the point. you make me smile a lot and i like it when you hug me and i don’t even know how to interact with you anymore because you make my brain genuinely malfunction and i hate you for it, i hate you but like i like you too and i really want to kiss you—”

he was cut off by nico suddenly surging forward, locking their lips together.

leo made a surprised muffled noise, eyes widening before eventually closing them in bliss, wrapping his arms around nico’s neck and letting the taller hold him by the waist, firm hands grasping him. he felt himself melting in nico’s arms, kissing back and unconsciously bringing his hands up to caress nico’s soft hair.

nico brought up a hand to hold leo’s head, rubbing circles on his back. leo barely remembered that he needed to breathe, and hesitantly leaned away, looking up at nico, who looked as blissed out as he felt. his cheeks were scarlet, his eyes full of hearts.

“wow,” leo muttered. “did you—?”

“mhm,” nico hummed.

“and was i—?”

“mhm.” a fond smile crossed nico’s face. leo felt himself fall in love all over again. “do you want to come inside? just to talk! and maybe kiss?”

leo smiled, glad they were finally being blunt with one another. “i’d love to.”

#this took so long hurgh #also i’m sorry for not seeing your ask earlier!! #and thank you!! you’re super sweet!! :) 💕 #pjo #leo valdez #nico di angelo #valdangelo #i’m sorry if they seem ooc i wanted to meld their personalities to make them seem like actual children of aphro and athena #also i literally can only write awkward valdangelo #i hope you like this cus rip me #also the ending sucks but.. oh well..

[drferox]

20 Questions with Dr Ferox #23

Whelp, time for another blast of 20 questions and comments from the inbox. If you were brave enough to use your username I’ve tried to tag you (Thanks Tumblr) but if you were on anon, you’ll have to look yourself.

Would you folks be interested in me answering these sort of short questions in a video instead? Let me know in the replies. Now here we go!

Anonymous said: do u play mobile games on your phone, like animal crossing pocket camp? :O

No, should I? I haven't heard much about it.

@trisaratops45 said: Dr. Ferox, First off I just started following your blog and love it! I'm stuck using mobile so I can't see your faq information. I was just wondering if the clinic you work at sees any exotic or pocket pets? Of so what is your favorite to see and treat? Thank you!

Welcome! We don't see a huge amount of exotics at my clinic, we're not well set up for them, but ferrets are probably my favorites.

Anonymous said: do you follow any medblr blogs? and if you do, are you ever like 'thank goodness i don't have to deal with that' or 'man i wish it was that easy'? question tax: what is your favorite depiction of dragons from fantasy media

I actually had to go check which blogs I was following. No active medblr blogs in the list anyway. I often see real clients, in the flesh, and think 'Im glad i don't have to deal with that', especially when they describe to me their own gross medical problems as though I want to know exactly what's coming out of their orifices. All dragons are good dragons. I don't think i could pick a favorite.

@the-noble-banana said: What style of nail clippers are best for trimming a cat's claws?

Whatever you're comfortable with. I like these ones

Anonymous said: Do dogs get acne? Is that a thing? Just curious! Question tax: if you could shoot something out of your finger, what would it be?

They can get comedones with certain hormonal conditions (black heads) and can get pimple-like lesions with skin infections. I would shoot icy cold water out of my fingers. Great for hot days, and for stupid faces.

Anonymous said: Do you typically bandage and cover amputations? At the vet I worked at (I was only kennel so everything I saw was in passing) every animal who had limb amputation left after a day or two with the incision fully bandaged. My dog had her hind leg amputated and the vet (different one) had her in and out in under three hours and sent her home unbandage. Just out of curiosity is it case by case that you decide to bandage? Gave my mom a little heart attack seeing her all bloody and swollen

We might but a light dressing over them, but in an amputation of anything more than a toe there's often not much to bandage. Limb amputations are typically very high up the limb in dogs and cats and it's hard to bandage something in that position. Also, sometimes dogs eat the dressing.

@crimsonrose95 said: I'm not vet med, but I am into chemistry and physical sciences and the ask talking about chemistry being inconsistent is so weird a thought to me. Biology is way less consistent than chemistry like chemistry is mostly math with elements and compounds while biology is mostly names. It's just really interesting how most people start to think a science they don't like and have trouble in is just the science being completely inconsistent to them. Me included.

I get what you mean. Chemistry has a fairly distinct set of rules, even if they're rules you've not encountered outide of chemistry before. I was never a fan of physics, but it is consistent. Biology likes to bend rules. Life finds a way.

Anonymous said: Why does my cat yell when I try to use the bathroom alone? Question tax: what's your favorite thing about Australia?

Possibly he thinks you need moral support? Or that there's demons in there. My favorite thing about Australia is our universal healthcare system and gun control.

@foxtrottarts said: How common is dewclaw removal in dogs, and what are the benefits/downsides?

Hind dewclaw removal is relatively common at the time of deseing, if they're the sort that flop all over the place and lack a boney attachment. Front dewclaws are usually left, unless removed for a medical reason. I've written about it before here. https://drferox.tumblr.com/search/dewclaw

Anonymous said: Can a dog still have the MDR1 gene if they have never reacted to those drugs in the past (lets says a dog that has regular flea prevention of selemectin)

If the dog has only had a popular flea product containing selamectin but has never had ivermectin, yes they could still have it. MDR1 dogs typically don't react to that product, nor do they react to the annual heartworm injection.

Anonymous said: Hello, I had a question as google only takes me but so far, and the results were iffy at best since it's difficult to locate a vet or someone in a position who would know the answer. How much of a danger is animal or human saliva to pet birds? Some people say kissing the bird, or having another pet such as a dog lick/groom them is an issue, but I'm just lost on if any is true, and would love to find the answer. Thanks a ton in advance since it's all pretty confusing.

It is a potential issue. Carnivore saliva contains many bacterial species that can be devastating to birds or other mammals even through relatively small abrasions. Carnivores should not be permitted to interact with prey species and birds. Cats are especially risky because they're so pointy and because they effectively coat themselves in saliva when grooming. You can find some more information here.

Anonymous said: Hi Dr. Ferox, we recently had to put our cat down due to health issues. We're pretty sure he had FIP as the last week of his life he had every symptom but one. A website we saw said the virus can live in the environment for weeks afterwards and I was wondering if you knew any sort of approximate time. We aren't ready for another cat yet but occasionally foster a kitten and don't want to bring one into the house and have it get sick

I typically reccomnd 4 months, and replacing bedding, litter trays and food dishes. While you are probably fine with 3 months, given the incurable and devestating nature of FIP (Feline Infection Peritonitis) I prefer to err on the side of caution.

@kumoi-no-hikari said: I got a couple rats a few months ago and the lady I bought them from mentioned that most vets don't know much about rats and will probably do more harm than good unless the situation is extreme. Is that true? They haven't had any issues, but I'm worried about traumatizing them or wasting money if they ever have a problem.

Some vets will certainly be better equiped or more interested in treating rats than others, but you'll only know if you call around and ask them. If they're not keen on seeing rats, they might know somebody who is. I think saying 'most vets don't know X' is unfair when you look at the diversity of vets in the world. Call around, plan for the worst ahead of time.

Anonymous said: Do you know how taxidermy works? I plan this route for my cat when she's passes, do I have to contact them before the body stiffens or position her first?

No idea. But I would contact them well in advance incase they have waiting lists or something. But I would think very carefully about whether taxidermy of a pet is something you definitely want.

Anonymous said: Hey there! What’s your favorite brand of stethoscope?

The Littman is what I use and have been very happy with my Classic II.

Anonymous said:Our poodle mix loved grabbing a mouthful of food then running to the living room to eat it - not necessarily to be near us, he just would eat over carpet. Sometimes we'd rearrange the living room so it wasn't a direct shot from the dining room and he'd still run around the furniture to eat there. He also once pooped one piece on each stair when we were gone all day for some unfathomable reason.

There is so much that could be going on there, but since you didn't seem to ask a question I'm not sure what you'd like me to say.

Anonymous said: On the topic if dog eating things they shouldn't. A shitzu swallowed the end of a large chew bone whole and when she puked It up it was about the size of my fist.

Little dogs often seem to overestimate what they can safely eat. Westies seem to be the worst for this though, and are a common breed to see for stuff getting stuck in their oesophagus.

Anonymous said: About people thinking vets are scammers, my family was so bad with this when I was a child. I remember I had a sick kitten, I was around 8, it had some lung issues and I begged and cried to vet it and my dad said "pray really really really hard to God every hour, and maybe he'll bring a miracle!" and the cat died the next day :( I get so LIVID when people refuse taking their pets to vets for stuff that cannot wait. Makes me wanna slap those people senseless!

Your Dad sounds like a lazy asshole and a cheapskate. Even if god existed, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being dialed up for a miracle like a pizza delivery.

Anonymous said: i just wanted to tell you that i recently adopted an older orange tabby cat (dsh) and he is large. like not just fat (which we are working on), but unusually tall and long. like. maine coon size. he has so far used his size to swipe bacon off a kitchen counter and remain an effective roadblock. he's very calm and sweet, i love my big fat baby.

Congratulations on your new addition! I'm sure your big orange boy loves you back too.

@mise-en--place said: Thought you might appreciate this. We got records on a cat today and on a previous visit they stated; "BCS 5/9. Cat appears to be about 7lbs through the gloves and towel." We got a good laugh, cat was actually quite calm for her visit.

I received a history for my old cat Dippa who had once very badly bitten this other vet that only said "Appears healthy in cage. Vaccinated in cage. Dr Ferox is welcome to come and perform a dental on her own cat any time she likes." I took that to mean "I'm not touching this hellbeast. You deal with her."

#20 questions #dr ferox #veterinarian #vetblr #animal death #death #pet death #taxidermy

[cooperjones2020]

What’s Past is Prologue, What to Come pt. 2

The fire alarm in my building won’t stop going off. It makes for a fun editing soundtrack.

Part 2 of 8 (maybe?)

TWs for stalking and self-harm

(ao3-->http://archiveofourown.org/works/11394858/chapters/25540770)

(part one)

Proteus: Ay, gentle Thurio: for you know that love

Will creep in service where it cannot go.

(Two Gents, IV.ii.19-20)

Jughead Jones sat in his booth at Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe and fought a war with his baser urges. He itched to take his phone out of his pocket. To relive the triumphs of his evening.

But he had deadlines to meet. Self-imposed they might be, but they were deadlines nonetheless. He hovered his cursor over the apps at the bottom of his screen, then opened the word document he’d been typing in earlier.

“don’t know any better — or they’re old and they don’t want to know any better. This story is about a town, a small town and the people who live in the town, and work there, and fall in love there, get married there, have children there, and yes, even die there.

At a certain point, though, you look close enough — and you start seeing the shadows underneath the town. And sometimes…the shadows take over. And you’re living in this place you don’t recognize anymore. And you’re feeling a lot of things, but safe isn’t one them.

The name of this town is Riverdale.

And our story begins, I guess, with what the Blossom twins did this summer. On the fourth of July, just after dawn, Jason and Cheryl Blossom drove out to Sweetwater River for an early morning boat-ride. The next thing we know happened for sure is that Dilton Doiley, who was leading Riverdale’s Boy Scout Troop on a bird-watching expedition, came upon.

Riverdale Police dragged the river for Jason’s body, but hours later, still nothing…

Needless to say, there were no fireworks in Riverdale that night. A week later, the Blossom family buried an empty casket, and Jason’s death was ruled an accident, as the story Cheryl told made the rounds.

That Cheryl saw a ribbon in the water, and Jason reached down to get it, and accidentally tipped the boat, and panicked, and drowned which is super-weird, because Jason was captain of almost every sports team at Riverdale High, including water polo. Not that anyone examined those facts too closely, or asked too many questions. See, the Blossoms had their tendrils wrapped around the entire town — no one wanted to make enemies o”

It was not his best work. It read like the voiceover of a supersaturated period piece rather than the tightly controlled, forensically measured prose he was going for. But he’d written and rewritten the beginning of this chapter more than a dozen times. He would get to the end of it tonight if it killed him. He would find out what happened next.

Then he caved and opened Photos. Maybe he could—

The bell over the door jingled and Jughead looked up to see who’d come in. He quickly toggled his windows and pulled Word back up.

He opened a new document: “It was midnight when my old friend Archie Andrews arrived at the one place in town that was still open. He was looking for the girl next door. Instead, he found me.”

Archie Andrews’s bowtie had come untied and his shirt was half-untucked. His hair looked like a drunk girl had been running her fingers through it. She probably had. Jughead watched Archie’s eyes as they seemed to drift toward his booth. Their booth. He ignored the feeling that settled in his stomach. He crossed his arms on the table in front of him and frowned.

“Hey, Pop. Betty hasn’t come in tonight, has she?”

“No. Just the nighthawk’s in tonight.” Pop inflected the first syllable of ‘nighthawk’ as he nodded toward Jughead.

He groaned internally. Did a more banal reference exist?

“Thanks.” Archie hesitated.

“Uh, can I sit, Jughead?”

“If you want.” He did.

“What are you working on?”

“My novel. It’s about this summer, and Jason Blossom.” Good. Evil. Innocence. Guilt. Sin. Obsession. Endings.

Archie tapped the bottom of his phone against the table. “Seventeen years old, and how will he be remembered? As captain of the water polo team?” His eyebrows approached his hairline.

“The Aquaholics? Considering how he died, probably not.”

“No, what I mean is, was he doing everything he was supposed to do? Everything he wanted. I mean, did he even know what that was?”

Jughead flared his nostrils and turned his eyes from Archie to the window. He was talking about Betty. Or that new dark-haired girl. Or, hell, about switching what brand of hair gel he used. But he could have been talking about Jughead. He could have been talking about how Jughead had spent his evening, what he’d done instead of going to the dance and the subsequent Cheryl Blossom-sponsored mating ritual.

“Coach Clayton was in here talking to Pop Tate. Varsity. Does that make you—what—Mr. Popular-Football-God now?”

“No.” Archie stared at the table. “In fact, I’m kind of terrified I lost my best friend tonight.”

“If you mean Betty, whatever happened, just talk to her, man. It would go a long way. Would’ve gone a long way with me.”

Archie nodded. Jughead hoped that would be enough to push him back out the door. It was.

Jughead needed Archie to leave so he could get back to what he was doing. But he also needed Archie to fix whatever he’d done to Betty. The drama of Archie and Betty was the narrative structure to his own life. It was the story he was always writing and deleting and reconstructing. Archie Andrews was the protagonist. Jughead Jones was the understudy. They were the only two people he trusted with Betty Cooper. He refused to contemplate what would happen if Archie broke Betty.

When Betty had left Riverdale, that early morning in the middle of June, Jughead had, as with all the important moments in her life, been on hand to observe. He had said goodbye to her the night before, with a projection-booth viewing of Picnic. He knew she was saving her final goodbye for Archie, so he got up at six am and camped out in the treehouse before Fred was up to see him through the kitchen windows.

That morning, her hair had been in a braid rather than a ponytail. She looked impossibly beautiful. Archie looked half-asleep. He watched them hug, watched Archie let go of her quickly, watched Betty cling to his shoulders a beat longer. Then he watched Archie go back to bed. Later that day, they were supposed to marathon the new Call of Duty.

That morning, he watched Betty Cooper drive away from him, and Archie Andrews, and Riverdale — that Riverdale that was and no more could be — in a wood-panelled station wagon.

When he’d watched her melt into the vanishing point, he headed to Sweetwater River. His backpack held his laptop, a notebook and pen, two packets of pop tarts, a small fishing knife. He knew words weren’t going to be enough to fill his chest cavity. He needed to fill it before he came back for the video games.

They never played Call of Duty that day. Or any of the days that came after.

When Archie had left, Jughead reached into his pocket to pull out the cord and phone stashed there. He plugged them in and pulled Photos back up.

He began clicking through the pictures as they uploaded. The first framed Betty’s window. He’d nearly fallen off the ladder trying to lean back far enough to take it. Through the fluttering curtains, her room was as pristine as it had been the months she’d been gone. But for the white cardigan discarded on her bed and the tube of lipstick lying on its side on her desk.

The next photos showed the inside of her closet, his hand pushing back some of the clothing. He catalogued each new piece.  The bright blue of her cheerleading uniform interrupted a gradient of pastels and and creams.

Her hamper contained three pairs of underwear, two bras—one a sports bra, one pale purple lace, one of the ubiquitous white sweaters, black shorts, and a white baseball tee with yellow sleeves. He photographed them on her bed with the hamper balanced teetering off the corner.

In her bathroom, five orange pill bottles stood where there used to only be four. Two were the same, though one bore the label of a pharmacy in California and the other Riverdale Rx. They were almost entirely full.

In her trash can, he could see a used make up wipe, an empty container of acne treatment from the skincare brand he knew she liked, and three cotton balls, crumpled, moist, bloody.

He took a picture.

He took the knife out of his pocket, scored four smalls cuts into his palm and let them drip onto the cotton ball. He took another picture.

He fingered the panties in his other pocket and clicked back to his albums. He saved the new photos under ‘August 2016.’ The July album was despairingly empty, containing only two pictures: a single view of her deserted bedroom and a side view of her closet, so he could see what she’d taken with her and imagine what she looked like.

He brought the word document back, deleted the section he’d been staring at before, and replaced it.

“Our story is about a town. A small town. And the people who live in the town. From a distance, it presents itself like so many other small towns, all over the world.

Safe. Decent. Innocent.  Get closer though, and you start seeing the shadows underneath.

The name of our town is Riverdale.

And our story begins, I guess, with what the Blossom twins did this summer. On the fourth of July, just after dawn, Jason and Cheryl Blossom drove out to Sweetwater River for an earring morning boat-ride. The next thing we know happened for sure is that Dilton Doiley, who was leading Riverdale’s Boy Scout Troop on a bird-watching expedition, came upon Cheryl by the river’s edge.

Riverdale Police dragged the river for Jason’s body, but never found it. So a week later, the Blossom family buried an empty casket, and Jason’s death was ruled an accident, as the story Cheryl that told made the rounds. That Cheryl dropped a glove in the water and Jason reached down to get it, and accidentally tipped the boat, and panicked, and drowned.

As for us, we were still talking about the July Fourth tragedy on the last day of summer vacation, when a new mystery rolled into town.”

His photos had finished uploading. He unplugged the USB cord and unlocked his phone. He selected one picture to remain and deleted the rest.

In his hand, an image of a photograph of the two of them at eighth grade graduation stared up at him. Betty was smiling at something off-camera—Archie taking the photo. Jughead was looking at her. It had been tucked in the side of her mirror in early June. It was gone in July. Now, it had returned.

#bughead fanfiction #riverdale fanfiction #bughead #dark!jughead #jughead jones #mine #betty cooper #riverdale #wpip #the beast within

[starscreamiest]

T update: 2 months

hi today’s my 65th day on T and just thought I’d put all the changes i’ve noticed in one place

so I knew not to expect any big changes for a while but im pretty excited that things seem to be going down a little early for me compared to what i’ve seen pretty commonly in other guys’ timelines

so far my voice hasn’t changed much, except maybe my singing range getting a little lower? i haven’t been tracking it but there’s some lower notes that feel a little easier. hopefully next month i’ll start seeing more of a difference

acne hasnt been a huge issue yet fortunately but i’ve been trying to find a better skincare routine so that’s probably been helping. i might change out my face wash and moisturizer when i finish up these bottles just to try some other brands, but i think using witch hazel as a toner has been a big help. i wash, tone, and moisturize twice a day if i can. haven’t had any cystic acne yet but i’ve been breaking out in little clusters around where all my hair is growing in, so around my chin and neck and the middle of my chest

also, im growing in a ton of fucking hair! i already had darker/thicker than average facial hair just on my upper lip and chin but it’s getting darker and fuller and i’ve had to start shaving every other day, and my hair is getting darker all along my jawline and down my neck a bit. i had my first legit chest hair like a month in so thats gonna be tight as fuck. my happy trail is probably gonna get such an upgrade. [lemon demon’s soft fuzzy man playing in the distance]

i bound at work for the first couple of weeks but full time shifts have proved too much for my ribs to handle, so i’ve been trying transtape. it’s a hassle to put on so i haven’t bothered with it too often but its soooooo comfortable when i put in the effort. im still figuring it out but i can get almost to juicy pec level flatness and keep it that way for about three days before they peel off too much to hold

it might be a little early to be certain but im tentatively saying that my period has stopped at the two month mark, crossing my fingers it stays that way

when i first started i was bracing for my dysphoria and gender related anxiety to spike, or to fall into a depression for a while at the beginning, but honestly i feel like i’ve never been happier or more comfortable in my body than now. I came out to one of my coworkers in the most casual way possible and it didnt make me anxious at all. i still get upset when i get misgendered but i bounce back way quicker. i feel confident and just really content with who i am and the body i live in. my only regret is i wish i started sooner

thanks for traveling with me! take care, be safe, love you

#squid takes T #chatter

[shiningamongdarkness]

Chapter 27. Night without nightmares

Shining among Darkness

By WingzemonX

Chapter 27 Night without nightmares 

The night before his little adventure in Oregon, Cody Hobson was at Lisa Mathews' house. They had a light dinner cooked by her and drank only half a glass of wine because the next day they had to work. Soon after that, they went to the room and made love slowly and delicately, without any pressure or rush.

 As a lover, Cody considered himself average. He hoped that his lack of initiative or assertive behavior was compensated for by his dedication and attention to detail. Most of the time, it was difficult for him to be sure about this since Lisa tended to be somewhat silent during the act. However, when he felt her slender legs tightly around his hip, and her fingers gripping his hair violently, then he could be sure he was doing a good job, and that gave him much more confidence and freedom. That night, Lisa just did that, a couple of minutes before they reached a quiet, pleasant climax together.

 They had met a little less than a year ago, at a dinner in honor of a veteran professor of Biological Sciences who taught at the University of Washington, and with whom Cody had begun to build a friendship almost since he first came to Seattle. Lisa was a biochemist and worked in the research laboratory of a very important pharmaceutical company. She was also studying for her Ph.D., where she took a class with that professor, so she was therefore invited to the same dinner. The professor, whose last name was Carman, had introduced them to each other without any particular reason except that "I had the feeling that the two of you would get along very well ." Some time later, and looking back on how things had ended after that moment, Cody would wonder if something of shining had to do with that feeling. But, in the end, he concluded that it had been merely good luck.

 Or at least, it was initially good luck without a doubt.

 Lisa was modest in appearance, with a slim body, curly black hair, and flirty freckles on her face. Anyone would say that she was not precisely gorgeous and, in fact, she could easily pass for the classic girl who spent her college years nailed solely to her studies, with her thick-framed glasses, her teenage acne scars, or his somewhat withdrawn attitude. At least during a first approach. But for Cody, she almost immediately became the real example of how beautiful, attractive, and sensual a woman could be, inside and out.

 In the beginning, everything was perfect. Light dinners, comedy and romance movies, talk about biology, biochemistry, or any other random subject that had little or nothing to do with their works... And sex; sex was definitely something special, despite those moments when the young high school teacher pressed himself to play a proper role.

 Cody had never consciously considered the possibility of being in love. In fact, they had never used the words boyfriend and girlfriend, at least not between them. Still, he was sure there was something special between the two of them, and he knew it was the same for Lisa. But Cody also knew that it wouldn't last forever, and sooner or later, something would come up that would end up causing trouble. That something began to emerge a month ago. Since then, those small moments that previously were so comforting and pleasant for him ended up becoming almost like Russian roulette, in which this subject could or could not come to the surface. And Lisa still hadn't reacted explosively to it; it was usually more like a cold silence.

 At the moment, Cody was sitting on the edge of the bed, buttoning his shirt. Lisa meanwhile rested reclining and wrapped in her bed cover with her head resting on the bulky pillow.

 "You're leaving now?" She had asked him as soon as he stood up, putting him on alert.

 "I have classes tomorrow," he replied, although perhaps more cutting than he really wanted.

 After that, Lisa remained in reflective silence. And for a moment, Cody thought he might be well off that time. He would finish dressing, take his wallet and cell phone, give her a sweet kiss on the forehead, and let her rest peacefully until the next day.

 But it was not like that.

 "Why don't you stay tonight?" Lisa asked slowly, pulling her head away from the pillow just enough to see his back. Cody froze. "The school is closer to here than to your house on the outskirts."

 Cody remained silent, his fingers paralyzed in the previous position to button his last buttons. He breathed slowly and gradually tried to continue his work.

 "It would be rather strange if I go with the same clothes I wore today," he commented in a tone that was trying to be funny, but he was sure it hadn't sounded quite like that.

 "Children don't notice what clothes their teachers wear," Lisa replied, sitting up completely, exposing her slim torso and small pink breasts. "And even if it were, it is not as if you were some adulterer cheating on his wife."

 "I suppose not. But I don't have my toothbrush here, and I have to get up earlier than you. I'd hate to have to force you to lose that couple of hours of sleep because of me."

 "How considerate," she muttered in a sarcastic, almost aggressive tone, just before she rested her head back on the pillow.

 Cody was silent for a few moments as he perceived that feeling of rejection spring from her words for the first time. Perhaps it was indeed the first time he had heard it, but he was sure that it had not arisen spontaneously at that moment. For some time ago, he had been able to feel it germinate and grow little by little, with each moment similar to that which had arisen.

 He could, as on past occasions, withdraw and leave things like that, hoping that by tomorrow she would have forgotten everything, and it usually happened. But sooner or later, that would no longer be so; denying that would be stubbornness from his part.

 The teacher sighed heavily and stood up from the bed. His shirt was buttoned but stripped, and he was still missing his socks and shoes that rested on the rug to one side.

 "Hey... listen," he started to say in a somewhat uncertain tone, "it's not what you think..."

 "What do I think?" Lisa murmured with blunt coldness, turning her head back to look at him as best she could. "That you are treating me like I'm your prostitute?"

 "It isn't like that…"

 "The first time I asked you, I thought maybe I had crossed a line too soon. But we have been together for almost a year now, and you have no qualms about sex, but it seems like I am pointing a gun at you every time I ask you to stay here, or me at your house. You even made up I don't know how many excuses for not joining me at Thanksgiving."

 "Lisa…"

 "If I hadn't already been to your house, I would think you were married."

 "I'm not married."

 "I know. No matter..."

 She settled her head back on the pillow, in an apparently comfortable way, and closed her eyes as she wanted to fall asleep. It was not as such what she wanted, Cody was sure. It was more a way to give a point to her angry speech, in case it was not clear.

 Seeing this situation from the outside must have seemed even somewhat comical. Of all the different problems a couple could have, was not sleeping together really that serious? Perhaps in the short term, no one would think so. But at a point, at a point when one of them wanted to go a step further, to go deeper into what intimacy with the other could offer, little by little, it could create small friction that could end up creating a significant crack.

 Cody did not know if the crack had already formed, or were only the first signs of its arrival.

 He took a step toward her, but he really wasn't able to move any further. What could he say to justify himself? The secret reasons that led him to have that attitude were so hard to explain, and even more to understand. How could he subject her to something like this when he sometimes envied her ignorance?

 Timely or not, considering the moment, his phone, laying on the bureau on the side of the bed, began to ring incessantly accompanied by the sound of vibrating against the flat wooden surface. He looked for a moment at Lisa, whose only action was to turn to his other side to turn her back to the cell phone, and perhaps, therefore, to him. Then Cody slowly approached the phone and checked its screen. It was an unknown number, although not really. It was because he had not yet saved it in his contacts, but not because he had received some calls from the same number several days before. However, he had not answered any at the time.

 Cody answered immediately and held the phone close to his right ear.

 "Hello?" He murmured slowly, almost as if he really feared to wake Lisa if he raised his voice too much.

 "Cody, hello," Matilda Honey's voice sounded on the other end of the line, confirming his initial suspicion when he saw the phone on the screen. "Sorry to call you so suddenly, are you busy?"

 "Matilda?" No, I was just…" He stopped for a moment and looked at Lisa. She hadn't moved an inch; she was still lying down, half of her bareback peeking out from under the cover. He did not think a bit that she was really asleep, but still hurried out of the room quietly. "What happens? You sound altered."

 Cody could hear the psychiatrist take a deep breath, perhaps trying to calm nerves that overwhelmed her.

 "Listen, I know this is very sudden and without warning, but I need to ask you a favor. Could you accompany me to Portland early tomorrow?"

 "To Portland?" Cody exclaimed, a little confused. He was already standing in the living room, a few meters from the door of the room. "I thought the girl you were treating was near Salem."

 "It's about something else," Matilda declared in a severe tone. "It's long to explain, I'll tell you better when we meet. But there is another girl who was being treated by a colleague of mine, and he is now dead. He thought the girl could have an Antisocial Personality Disorder."

 "So, she is a psycho girl?"

 "Something like that... But I think it could be something else."

 Cody thought a little about that last clarification. If she called him in that rush to ask for help, he didn't have to speculate so much to make a solid theory of what she meant.

 "Something else like our specialty?" He murmured slowly, almost as if he were an accomplice to some mischief that caused him guilt inside.

 "Exactly. Maybe it's nothing, but if it's something and I don't know what, I could need some support. I know it's too much to ask, and you should miss your classes. If you can't…"

 "No, no, don't worry," he went on to answer immediately, without the slightest doubt about it. "I'll be there. Where do we meet?"

 Matilda sighed in relief.

 "Thanks, Cody."

 After searching Google Maps for a while, Matilda suggested seeing a Starbucks near the building where the Family Affairs offices were located. Once they hung up, just as Cody turned around, he found Lisa's slim figure wrapped in a pink nightgown, standing at the entrance to the bedroom. She looked at him blankly, almost as if she really wasn't aware that he was still standing there.

 "Who's Matilda?" She asked in a sober voice.

 "She's an old friend from many years ago."

 "From Alabama?" Her voice sounded somewhat incredulous. "What's she doing in Portland?"

 "She's a psychologist... I mean, a psychiatrist. She's dealing with a case in Salem and, apparently, another one came up in Portland, and she wants my help."

 Lisa narrowed her eyes a little as if silently accusing him of some wrongdoing.

 "Help with what? You are a biology teacher, not a psychiatrist."

 Cody opened his mouth a few inches, but no word came out of it. He stayed like that for a moment, before closing his lips again. His gaze had taken on a guilty and self-conscious feeling.

 Lisa held her hands up to him as a "stop."

 "Enough, I don't want you to make any more excuses for me," she declared so bluntly that it was almost like a slap to Cody, and perhaps he would have preferred one instead. "Just leave it like that. I'll take a bath. Lock up when you leave, will you?"

 If Cody intended to say something else, he still didn't have a chance. Lisa went back into the room, then went straight to the bathroom and locked herself in it. Cody thought fleetingly that he hadn't slammed the door behind her simply because his personality wouldn't allow it. For his part, he stood for perhaps several minutes in the room, feeling like the worst trash in the universe for making a person as good and pure as Lisa Mathews feel so bad. Only the distant sound of the shower opening made him react at last.

 He entered the room again, grabbed her remaining possessions, finished dressing quickly in the living room, and then retired before Lisa came out of the shower. Being halfway to his house, the idea that perhaps she hoped he was still there when she finished bathing and they could talk about the subject more calmly, would fall like a rock. He felt foolish by not have done that, but it was too late to just back down.

 And even if he stayed, he still wouldn't have anything to say to her when she left that bathroom, so it might as well have been all the same.

He didn't know exactly what would happen with Lisa from that embarrassing moment, nor did he even know what would happen in Portland with that mysterious case. At the moment, it was best that he tries to focus on that last one, and try to sleep as well as possible… without nightmares.

— — — —

 A peaceful night's sleep passed, despite the situation. The next day, however, would turn out to be anything but peaceful. He met with Matilda at the agreed Starbucks, and there she would show him the small file she had put together about the girl they were going to see: Lily Sullivan. Cody understood at the time why his help was so required. There was a possibility that the girl would be an illusionist, a telepath, and also a bit of a tracker, at least over short distances. They had met people who had those abilities, and even both at the same time. However, if the papers Matilda found were right, it might be something even more complicated than that.

 In the end, however, they wouldn't even meet the girl in person. A car accident had happened very early in the morning, and Lily Sullivan had been taken to Providence Medical Center. After an eventful talk to try to convince them to let them see her, Matilda and Cody would end up caught in the middle of a kidnapping and a shooting, and almost as suspects of being complicit in it, in some way. The victim of all that, depending on which perspective they saw it from, would be Lily Sullivan, who would disappear under the nose of the police, and theirs as well.

 The most troubling thing for Cody, however, was that Matilda had been attacked in some way. When he found her in the empty Emergency Room, she looked really bad. And soon afterward, the police came and pulled them apart, preventing him from even asking her directly what had happened. After that, they guided him to a small waiting room, where they forced him to take a seat and wait, under the strict watchful eye of an officer prostrate at the door like the guard of a palace.

 During that time, no one came to take his statement or tell him if he was supposed to be under arrest. They had him almost isolated, but not entirely since he still had his phone with him. He considered calling Matilda to ask where she was, or perhaps Eleven directly to report the situation. However, the way that officer looked at him from time to time kept him too alert. Cody wasn't sure what he would say or what he would do if he even saw the intention of taking the phone out of his pocket. Little by little, the hospital was filling up with police officers, and they all looked quite nervous and upset by the death of one of their colleagues. So, Cody preferred to do nothing to make the situation worse.

 Matilda appeared after a while at the door of the room, escorted by another officer. Cody was relieved to see her, although this was somewhat diluted by seeing her limp slightly.

 "Have a seat," said the officer escorting her. Matilda gave him a sidelong glance, then walked over to where Cody was sitting. The more she walked, the more she seemed to get used to the pain in her ankle and begin to walk normally.

 The brunette sat down right on the seat next to him and crossed her arms. She looked askance at the officer at the door, and the officer looked at her back with the same grumpy attitude that had been in all that time Cody had been there.

 "Are we under arrest, or what?" Matilda murmured sarcastically to her partner.

 "They would like that for sure," Cody replied calmly, but not for that reason very animated. "How much longer will they have us here without even questioning us?"

 Matilda was silent for a while after that, as if she was pondering something, or perhaps many things. Cody was deciding whether or not it would be appropriate to ask her about what had happened when the typical sound of a received message was made quite clear in the silence of the room. She noted that Matilda had been a little startled by it, almost as if it had woken her up from a small dream. Cody knew it had been his phone, as he had also felt it vibrate in his leg. He reached into his pocket and slowly pulled it out without taking his eyes off the officer at the door, hoping he didn't misinterpret their movement.

 Cody completely took the device out of his pocket, unlocked it, and in its notifications he could clearly see a single message received, with the name of its sender and a single phrase accompanying it:

Lisa: We need to talk

 Cody froze after reading such written words on the screen. There were very few cases in which that phrase was accompanied by a positive or happy connotation. Almost always, it was followed by problems.

 He stared at the screen for a few moments, not carefully analyzing the message received but rather waiting if he received any more. Lisa seemed to have no intention of doing such a thing, at least not at the time. If he allowed himself to guess, that first message probably had cost her quite a lot to write and send, and she didn't have the strength to repeat the feat unless Cody opened the door for her.

 He did not want to open that door, at least not at that time and place.

His finger approached the power button by itself, and turned off the screen again, only to put it back in his pocket, not so carefully compared to how he had take it out.

 "What happens?" He heard Matilda ask beside him, making him turn to see her out of mere reflection; she looked at him curiously.

 "No, nothing ..." he murmured slowly and muffled. "It's just a small matter that I left pending in Seattle.

 "I thought you had asked for permission."

 Cody denied.

 "It's not about work, it's..." He was silent for a few moments, wondering a bit about what to say. "It doesn't matter, I don't have the head for that right now."

 And it was not a lie. Everything that had happened that morning, and much of it still unknown to him, was already dense enough for him to be distracted in an insignificant couple fight ... Or, at least that was what Cody was saying to himself to convince himself of not attending to that matter in those moments; to convince himself to not focus his mind on trying to guess what was behind that simple "We need to talk."

— — — —

 The rest of the day was not at all quieter. Detective Vazquez of the police accused them into his paranoia of everything that happened. Cole Sear of the Foundation, whom neither Matilda nor he knew, came to help them. They sneaked their way to the scene of a murder, while the fresh bloodstains were on the floor and wall. And apparently his new friend Cole could talk to ghosts. That last, they would know until shortly after, but apparently, thanks to this, he was able to find out the identity of the kidnapper of Lily Sullivan and the murderer of the police officer. And it did not turn out to be a straightforward story to tell at all (although Cole did not have much problem in telling Vázquez anyway).

 Anyway, Cole managed to get them out of that hospital in one piece, so they couldn't complain. He turned out to be a fascinating person, even by the standards of people who already Cody knew from the Foundation. He was a nice person, or at least Cody had liked him quite a bit. However, Matilda had a very different opinion.

 Even after saving themselves from being arrested, they did not have a calm afternoon. Cody and Cole accompanied Matilda to solve a problem that had occurred with the girl she was dealing with in Eola. It led them to learn first-hand what she could be capable of.

 Cody was really shocked and very confused after this first meeting with Samara Morgan, and the explanation Cole gave them after that didn't help much to calm things down either. It also didn't help to see Matilda lose control and throw Cole against a table right in front of him, or receive a few scolding from Eleven over the phone. However, hear the voice of her former mentor, as well as her directions on how to proceed, did give him some reassurance. It was a little pathetic that an adult man still felt reassured that someone else was telling him what to do and that everything would be fine if he did. But apparently, that had been the case. Matilda also seemed calmer after speaking with Eleven, but he wasn't sure how much or if it was for the same reasons.

 After all that little adventure, all that remained was to go home and rest. Cole would stay the night in the same hotel as Matilda. However, Matilda would spend the night in Eola's Psychiatric Hospital to monitor Samara. So, the detective from Philadelphia and Cody shared a car that would leave the detective first in Salem, and then follow the entire route towards Seattle. Luckily it wasn't that late yet, but the distance was enough to warrant a significant tip to the driver. Would the Foundation reimburse it if he requested it?

 His car would arrive in a few minutes, so they both went to the main doors of the hospital to wait for it. Cody was monitoring the current location of the vehicle he had requested in the application, and Cole meanwhile took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette with much more ease. Cody wasn't a fan of tobacco at all, but he also didn't mind that people smoked next to him.

 "Well, she's a special person, isn't she?" Cole muttered as he looked up at the sky, just after releasing a thick puff of smoke. Cody turned to see something confused.

 "What did you say?"

 "Matilda... well, Dr. Honey, I mean." He laughed mockingly, a little forced. "It seems difficult to deal with her."

 Cody thought about that observation a bit. Was Matilda difficult to deal with? Not really. In fact, it was the first time he had seen her behave that way with someone. She usually got along well with everyone, as far as he knew. The circumstances under which she had met Cole Sear, however, seemed to have been less than optimal.

 "That will change," Cody pointed out neutrally. "I think she already started to like you."

 "Really? I don't think I realized that" Cole pointed out wryly. He gave yet another taste of his cigarette. The vehicle was already about to arrive according to the application. "Are you and she very close?"

 Cody raised an eyebrow, puzzled by the question.

 "Close? Well, we became friends years ago, but we hadn't been in contact for a long time."

 "Ah, so you two don't...?" He didn't finish his sentence, and instead just looked at him with an expression he didn't quite know how to interpret. "You know, are you nothing else?"

 Cody blinked, intrigued.

 "Matilda and me? Not at all. In fact, I…" His voice caught in that instant, when the idea he had tried to ignore since receiving that message, abruptly entered his head. "I... date someone... or at least I used to..."

 Cole's eyes widened in surprise.

 "Oh, it sounds serious," he commented slowly, as if afraid to say something wrong.

 "Let's say there are things about me that I can't tell anyone, as you well know. And that has brought us some problems lately."

 "I understand," the detective replied simply because, at that moment, their vehicle approached them through the parking lot, until he was just ahead.

 Cole's luggage was carried in the trunk, and both men climbed to the rear. Their driver was a short man with white skin, very short red hair, and green eyes. He didn't talk much, and in fact, that was good at the moment, although Cody had a long solo trip with him in Seattle, so it could get a little boring if he kept doing it.

 Once the car started and was already on the road to Salem, Cole spoke again.

 "That would be solved if you are sincere, you know?" He said suddenly, taking Cody awkwardly. "I mean the problems with your girl... Ah, sorry, is your couple a girl?"

 Cody rolled his eyes a little. He wasn't the first to ask him that question, or the like. But he understood that there was no malicious intent in that, but rather a desire to not guess things in advance.

 "Yes, it's a girl. And about be sincere with her... You make it sound easy."

 "Because it is. You can't hope to have a long-lasting and stable relationship if you are not totally honest with the other person."

 In addition to being a policeman and a demon hunter, was Cole also a loving counselor? What a surprise box turned out to be Cole Sear.

 "Have you always been honest with...?" He was silent for a moment, realizing what he was about to say. He glanced sideways at the driver, who seemed quite focused on the road and was apparently not paying attention to their talk. In the same way, he decided to lower his voice and take care of his words. "Are you always honest with what you can do, with all the women you date?"

 "Of course not," Cole snorted in an amused tone. "But it's not like I go out on many dates, actually. What the Doctor said a while ago is not very far from reality. I am not really comfortable with many people."

 "Seriously? You seemed quite comfortable this whole day."

 "A mask, I think she called it."

 Cody was not so surprised by what he said, but by how he did it with a big carefree smile on his face.

 "But I'm not the most practical example," the detective continued. "Look at Eleven and her husband, for example. A lovely family, a beautiful house, and all because there are no secrets."

 Cody looked out the window thoughtfully.

 It would be difficult for me to believe that Eleven does not keep any secrets to her family, was the thought that crossed his mind, but he was not able to say it out loud.

 He would love to be honest with Lisa, he would love to be able to adapt his life to hers and make the two of them totally fond. But he couldn't, because of the shining, because of that ability that allowed him to materialize his thoughts, including his dreams, in a way lived in the real world more than any other illusionist, but more unstable. Lisa wondered why she never wanted to sleep with her but didn't know if she might be able to understand it. It could be days, weeks, or even months without anything happening, or at least nothing terrible. But it would only need a bad night, an uneasy dream, a dark figure that slipped from his subconscious to emerge, and then that would be the end of everything.

 It had happened before, and several times. When his nightmares took over him and changed his entire environment for the worse. He lived alone in a house on the outskirts, with no very close neighbors, for that reason. So he always had in his pocket a bottle with small white pills, a unique drug that in an emergency could help him sleep, without any dream involved. It had horrible havoc on him, making him wake up more tired than when he had gone to sleep, making him irritable and paranoid, until he managed to go back to sleep on his own. For that reason, he had opted better for near isolation, and for always take care of the places where he spent the night.

 How could Lisa digest something like that? How could she understand that her partner did not want to sleep next to her for fear… of killing her unintentionally?

 "It's different with me," he said thoughtfully. "I ... really can't have a conventional relationship like others. When I sleep, things can become dangerous. I couldn't forgive myself if Lisa got hurt, or worse, because of me. I couldn't forgive myself for losing another loved one for… this I can do."

 Cole looked at him silently, apparently somewhat surprised by his words. Throughout that day, he had only been able to tell him lightly about the nature of his abilities, and especially what they could do. He hoped, however, that it was enough to give him an idea without having to say it in the presence of his driver.

 "Then, will you finish her?" Cole questioned skeptically.

 Cody hesitated.

 "I don't know... I haven't decided, but maybe it's for the best." He crossed his arms and leaned back against his seat. "I shouldn't be thinking about my disastrous love life after everything that happened today."

 "It's never a bad time to think about that," Cole added, more serious than expected.

 The rest of the way to the Salem Grand Hotel after that was relatively short. The vehicle was parked just in front of the building. Cole opened the door on his side, but before going down, he turned to his partner.

 "Well, I'm going down here," he chirped and held out his right hand in greeting. "A pleasure, Cody."

 "Likewise, Cole," the professor replied, not entirely sharing his enthusiasm, but still squeezing his hand firmly.

 "I'll see you on Saturday if everything goes well."

 "Yes."

 Cole put his feet out the door and stood upright on the sidewalk in front of the hotel. The chauffeur had gotten out to open the trunk and put his suitcase down, and Cody took advantage of that short time to ask one last question.

 "Hey, wait," he murmured a little loudly, leaning out of Cole's still open door a little. "Why were you asking about Matilda? Did you like her... in a romantic way?"

 Cole shuddered a little, but immediately forced himself to smile again carelessly and calmly, his hands on his waist and his chest out. For the first time that day, Cody seemed to see a bit of that "mask" that Matilda had mentioned.

 "Me? No, I don't even know her," he replied wryly. "But… it wouldn't be so crazy, would it?"

 Despite his carefree demeanor, it seemed to Cody that he really wanted to know his answer. It was not an easy thing for him to reply, as he didn't really know Matilda as much as it might seem.

 "As far as I know, she doesn't date anyone," he commented neutrally, "and I'm not sure if she ever has. At least I think you gave her a strong first impression."

 "It's what I do best," Cole said mockingly. The driver placed the suitcase right next to him, and he grabbed it by the handle immediately. "Rest well."

 "Same."

 Cole pulled his suitcase toward the hotel, and Cody was out of sight behind the automatic doors. The driver returned shortly after to his place, and without saying a word, he started again, now to Seattle.

 Cody took advantage of that time of travel and silence to reflect. Inevitably, his attention ended up refocusing on that message he had received that afternoon. He had an eye on him again; everything looked the same:

Lisa: We need to talk

 Just those words, and nothing else. Lisa hadn't written anything else, and neither had he. He considered for a few moments if it was appropriate to answer her being so late, but there was not an inch of him who wanted that idea. He just wanted to rest and forget about that long day. Ignoring not only his problem with Lisa, but Lily Sullivan, Samara Morgan, Leena Klammer, and whoever Matilda's mysterious attacker was. Try to have another night without nightmares.

 There would be plenty of time to worry about it later...

END OF CHAPTER 27

Author's Notes:

—Lisa Mathews is an original character of my creation who is not based directly or indirectly on some other well-known character from a novel, movie, or series.

—This was a chapter mainly to tell this piece of backstory for Cody that I wanted to put in for a few chapters ago, but that I decided to leave for later since he didn't find much room in other chapters. However, I thought it was better to put it here before moving on to another topic.

#cody morgan #Before I Wake #cole sear #sixth sense #Matilda Wormwood #matilda #shining among darkness #resplandor entre tinieblas #wingzemonx #fanfic

[danceontiptoe]

8 june 2019

still trying to rationalise with myself how the heck i paid 800+ for the tca cross treatment to treat my acne scars from my itchy finger days. 

things i’m telling myself to feel better:

facials wouldn’t treat the scars and pores so might as well pay a little more for something legit and stop the facials altogether (quick math $79 every 2 months for facial means $474 a year and even with that money spent my scars/pores would still be the same)

most likely wouldn’t be traveling this year so cash is not that tight

not seeing the scars will hopefully make myself feel better LOLOL

no point keeping so much money life is too short to be hogging money it’s not like i’m not working 钱能解决的问题不是问题

july is coming soon july is increment month

reality:

bought a new phone for mdm khong

i just paid $180 for a threading package

very impulsively bought a skII kit 

i just paid for prime membership on ezbuy

i just got myself 2 insurance plans

with depression, keloid and pcos - of which none are covered under my employment outpatient insurance, medical cost is one of my biggest expense now 

have really just been spending money like water, grab being my second largest expense lolol 

what i need to do:

stop spending money like water i.e. grab when i can wake up earlier

stop being greedy and be okay with whatever progress i get from the next tca cross treatment

make the threading package/ezbuy prime/skII kit worth it

look into investment and maybe start allocating more money into rss or something 

[balancedbody2016-blog]

Part 2 of the Health Journey

Even someone who never struggled with major health issues, needs to pay attention to their health. I learned this the hard way, because you just never know what might happen that will send your health spiraling out of control. Don’t wait until it is to late!!

In my previous Post, you will find a bit more information about my back story and the beginning of my health journey 

I suffered from an auto-immune issues that had no diagnosis, depression, PTSD and anxiety!!  The list of symptoms was a mile long that I dealt with, the doctors were only able to try to pick some of the worst symptoms and give a medication that might help. Most medications didn’t help much, and/or caused more health issues. Here is a small list of the symptoms that I was dealing with:

Insomnia, weight gain, hives, angiodema, constipation, diarrhea, food sensitivies, hair loss, fatigue, mental fog, severe pms, muscle soreness, lack of libido, low kidney function, heartburn, allergies, migraine headaches, panic attacks, and pain.

Now after researching and spending more time at the doctors then I did with my own family. I came to realize that I needed to start taking my health into my own hands and going back to basics.  Instead of using a variety of drugs that treated symptoms, I needed to provide my body with the tools it needed to heal itself.  Your Body is an amazing structure that can do amazing things when you treat it right. When you exercise, eat right, and provide the tools it needs, your body will balance and heal itself.

I began to realize how important your gut health is to overall health, so that is where I started my health healing journey. As in my previous post, I attempted many avenues to getting my health under control, conventional and unconventional. So why wouldn’t I try something else???... Plexus became that something else.  It was designed to help give the tools your body needs to work optimally. I wasn’t overly hopeful to start, because I didn’t want to be disappointed... again. However I was willing to try because I couldn’t give up. 

I signed up and placed my first order. I started to notice difference’s within 1 week, and within 4 months I knew that I was going down the right path. My body first went into a detoxing stage and I ended up causing my body to flair up even more, but I stayed consistant and I continued on my path as I knew that my body was trying to heal.  The “healing crisis” only lasted 2-3 weeks in my case, however I also started to notice positive difference’s within that same time and they only continued to get better. 

*WARNING*  Possible to much information for some people, I am sharing my whole story not just the “nice” bits. If you are squeamish of bodily functions this may be where you want to stop reading, if not, be warned that this next piece will be graphic. 

First I noticed that, I was able to have a normal bowel movement. I wasn’t constipated for weeks, in pain and bloated, struggling to pass hard lumpy stool. Only then to live in the bathroom while my body cramped and had explosive diarrha in which to get rid of the stool that had slowly accumulated over anywhere between 6-12 days.  Instead of my body going from one extreme to the other, I was able to “go” just about everyday. I wasn’t bloated all the time, and even when I ate something that my stomach didn’t agree with, the severity of the bloating and pain was much less then what it used to be.

The next positive change I noticed, was that i wasn’t quite as tired as I usually was. I used to have to come home from work and have a nap before I could even think about making supper. Yet I also had insomnia that required me to take a sleeping medication to get rest.  I didn’t have to have a nap everyday, I was tired but not exhausted. This is also when I got brave and stopped taking a zoplicone every night.  Even those nights that I didn’t take my medication, I was getting a better sleep then I used to..... HURRAY!!  I was able to wean myself off of my Sleeping meds within 1 month. This was an amazing feeling!!!

Oh my!!! the DREADED Aunt Flow, showed up again. But wait, why am I not doubled over in pain and cramping? Why am not completely covered in hives and ready to scratch the skin off my body?  Ok, so I had to take some Midol, but not the whole bottle, I didn’t have to take 2 days off work because I couldn’t get out of bed. I have only been on Plexus for 2 months, and already my period is not causing me the agony it used to.  My hives, (which are directly related to my cycle, as it is believed that I have Autoimmune Progesterone Dermatitis) even though I am on a medication that helps to ease the severity, are not causing me the grief they usually do either.  

Did my kid really just completely lose it on me? Did I really stay calm and not yell at her or go running to my room after to cry and settle down from the anxiety as I usually do. Yup you bet!!  I haven’t had nearly as many panic attacks lately, and I feel happier and not depressed every day. Wow!! when did this happen, It has now been 4 months that I have been on Plexus, Today is the day that I realized that I made the right choice!!  I have not had any huge benefits up until this point but they were all little things that help my life a little better. To realise that my mood and depression and anxiety, was improving and all I was doing taking some supplements that help my gut, was a very big day for me. I had REAL hope that I was not destined to be miserable my whole life. This is when I started to “really” believe in these products and it renewed my drive to continue to see how far my health would really improve. At this point I was still only taking 1/2  dosage’s so as not to send my body into wild unbearable detox, today I started taking full dosage. 

My urine really smells funny!!!  OMG it smells the same as when I was on the aweful Cyclosporine. For those of you that don’t know, this drug has horrible side effects that are very dangerous to your kidneys. I had to stop using it because it only sort of worked in controlling my hives, but it also started causing to much damage to my kidneys for me to continue. It is so toxic that I had to be extra careful when using the bathroom that in no way could anyone else come into contact with my urine. At this point I hadn’t been taking this drug in 2 yrs, yet the smell has come back?  I started to worry, but then found out that it was my body starting to detox my kidneys. I had been holding that toxic substance in my body for almost 2 YEARS!!!  WOW!  Testing now has shown that my kidney function is starting to improve now that my kidneys are detoxing ( this smell and detox stage,  has now happened to me 4 times since starting Plexus, and each time my kidneys are improving)

Wow, I have to get a new pair of pants or at least a belt to help hold them up. I am starting to lose the weight that many of the drugs and health issues have caused me to gain. Note * Since I started Plexus I am now back down to my ideal BMI.

My skin has now cleared up from the adult acne that I had, and I don’t need to continue using Birth control pills. ( I had my tubes tied 13 yrs ago, so it seems funny to be on birth control too).  The birth control was used to help control my hormones from causing my hives and the angiodema, as well as the horrible cystic acne.  

I just ate ICE CREAM, without taking a Lactaid!! no bloating, no upset stomach!

It is now seems strange!!. To go from absolutely no libido 6 months ago, to exceeding my husbands is amazing. It is now pretty obvious to me that, my hormones are finally balancing out, the stress and depression is lessening, and I am better able to deal with my anxiety, this all helps to bring back the passion that I can share with my husband finally. 

Big News!!!  My notoriously Low Blood Pressure since childhood ( 102/60, was normal for me) has slowly risen over the course of 4 months and then stabalized out at 120/80!  It is winter here in Alberta, and even with my Reynauds syndrome, I was able to work outside in -30 weather most of the day without freezing.  7 hours outside in the winter, is absolutely unheard of for me. I was lucky if I was able to handle 20 mins, dressed up the Abominal Snowman. My big winter boots are rated for -100 degrees celcius, and I have not worn them once yet this year, I have been wearing my light Thinsulate workboots. 

This month, I will be meeting with my dermatologist. The plan is to stop the last medication that I am on for my hives. We are both confident that my body has rebalanced itself out and that my autoimmune issue will be under control as long as I continue to put my gut health first.  This is a western medical doctor, that sees the benefits of helping to support your body naturally to do what it is designed to do. He has helped to find medications that worked, but has also encouraged me to find a better way to support my body.  My C-reactin protein levels have consistantly fallen since starting Plexus, I am crossing my fingers that this is the last big hurdle and that I will succeed. 

The extensive list of my symptoms and health issues, not including those caused by medications, before starting Plexus in no real order 

-insomnia

-depression

-ibs symtoms

-irregular and painful periods

-multi food intolerances

-anxiety

-extreme hives

-angiodema (swollen painful joints)

-pain 

-low blood pressure

-intense migraine headaches

-PMS :(

I don’t have enough time to list all the health issues that the medications caused, but it you do have questions don’t hesitate to contact me I will gladly share my story. And there is more to come.

-

[kummerspeck-griefbacon]

2017

Weeeeeeeelllllpppp! It’s a New Year, and I’m ready to start working on this blog again. I really couldn’t have procrastinated more if I tried, but whatever, I’m here now, it’s only January 2nd, so I’m not that far out of the game. I’ve been re-reading Jory Ames “Weight Loss Journey: Changing My Life One Story and One Pound at a Time”, and it has really inspired me to start up the blog again, I feel it is key to my weight loss journey to share my frustrations as well as my successes as Ms. Ames has done. She was the first woman to write the book that I wanted to write, and it def helped that she is an older woman (she’s 54- I’m 47), she is the same height as me (5′4″) and she is/was in the same weight category (she starts the book at 210, and resolves to lose 10 lbs per month for 6 months to get to 150). I would LOVE to lose 10 lbs per month but I don’t know if that’s possible for ME, she definitely proves that it IS possible (I think from reading it the first time that she doesn’t make it all the way in 6 months, but she does come pretty close.

Let me update you since I wrote last, well over a year ago- nothing has changed, weight-wise. I’m probably right around where I was. Actually, I’m sure I weigh more, because I quit smoking around the last entry and as of today, I am still quit. That is something I am very proud of- something I really never thought I could or would do. I was one of those smokers that really enjoyed smoking 90% of the time. I quit on 9/30/15, so I’ve stopped for over 15 months. I feel secure in quitting after I hit the year mark, but I know people go back at the drop of a hat, so I try not to get too cocky, especially since my entire family smokes. My husband quit a few months after I did and he has stayed quit, so that is fantastic. I feel like nothing would cause me to go back to smoking except a horrible tragedy, so I leave it at that. But quitting has taught me one thing- if I could do that, I can do anything. It wasn’t even as hard as I expected. Don’t you hate when people say shit like that? But it wasn’t- I used the patch, which I had never tried before, the one with the steps. So I guess that gave me enough nicotine in my system to keep me from punching people in the throat, and then I bought cartridges for my e-cigarette that had 0% nicotine, so I could still have the feel of a cigarette and the inhaling and the “smoke”. The e-cig helped for a very short while- it really can’t compare to a real cig, and it seemed to give me a weird cough, so I just kept it around and didn’t use it much, but I knew it was there if I needed it. So with those tools, it was much easier than I expected (BITCH- I know!), but the main thing was I knew I was ready to give them up forever, and the other times I had tried to quit (not many, because I did like to smoke), I couldn’t get on board with the quit forever thing, so I always wound up telling myself I could have just one, and just one always leads to another.

But anyway, back to the WEIGHT, after I gained about 15-20lbs from quitting smoking (and it happened QUICKLY- within 3 months), I found myself at the beginning of 2016 hating myself, and more determined than ever to lose the weight. I was very depressed about the weight- I was heavier than I had ever been, I think at one point I reached 221. And if the gain wasn’t bad enough, I found that no matter what I did, I would not lose. I could not drop the weight. I bought the Cize dance program to dance the fat away- I didn’t stick with it. And I was trying to not do anything drastic diet-wise- I can’t do all day protein waters, or starvation, or binging/purging- I just don’t have the desire to punish myself, I’ve done that for so long and it’s only gotten me where I am. Finally I decided to see a therapist- if I couldn’t lose the weight, I needed to find a way to like myself, because I was really low, and I can’t afford to be depressed- I have too much to do- I have a family to take care of, I have 2 dogs with special needs and a cat, I work from home with my husband and it’s a very demanding job, and I have a house to run. I don’t have time to be depressed. Two things occurred to me around this time:

1- I realized that if I had never gone on a diet starting at 13 years old, I bet I would weigh much less than I do now. Years of diets has taken a toll on my body and my health. And more than that, the really heartbreaking thing is all the years I have spent hating myself, for what?

DID I EVER MANAGE TO HATE MYSELF THIN? NO- I DIDN’T.

2- I want to weigh 125. My older self knows that 140 is a much more realistic goal, given my age, the fact that I am in (or close to) pre-menopause, I possibly have PCOS, and how far I have to go. Then the diet-educated part of myself knows that the yo-yo dieting over the years has probably raised my body’s natural weight set point, so who knows? When I went in to therapy, I decided that if I could get to under 180, I could be happy with myself because that’s when all of my health problems began- aching hips, back, knees: snoring, cystic acne, etc.

AGAIN- I COULDN’T FIND A WAY TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF AS I WAS, BUT SUCH IS THE SICKNESS.

I live in a small town, so I had to just cross my fingers and hope that the therapist I got was a good one, because not many accept my insurance. I got lucky- I saw Risa for about 5 months, built up my self esteem, started standing up for myself and doing good things for me and my body, and she pronounced me “cured”, with the understanding that I could call her if I needed her. That was a proud moment for me because I usually don’t finish things, and it made me feel even better about her as a doctor/therapist because she could’ve taken my money forever (my mother saw a therapist for over 10 years) so I was worried that she would never let me go and I would have to quit and be a quitter. During therapy I started taking daily walks with my dog and started yoga, and I lost a few pounds, between 5-8.

I was still of the mindset that diets don’t work, and that I have to heal my relationship with food and my body, gently, with no punishing diets, Geneen Roth style, Susie Orbach style. I still believe all the things they say- eat when hungry, eat what you are hungry for, eat with no distractions, stop when you are full. I believe what they are saying, but I cannot make it work for me. And try as I might, I cannot accept myself at this weight. Wait, no- I can accept myself at this weight, but I do hate it, and I know with every fiber of my being that this is not me- this is not how I am supposed to be. I will be more comfortable when my joints don’t ache, and I don’t have high blood pressure. So something has to give.

I was gentle as I could be with myself until I got a year of no smoking under my belt- I knew I had to give myself the time to adjust to that. I was angry about the

weight gain, but it’s not like I was surprised- I knew it would happen. I probably would have gone back to smoking if I knew for sure that I would lose those 15-20 pounds. But I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I had to stay the course. 

As soon as I hit the year mark, I heard about “Bright Line Eating”, and it resonated with me. Bright Lines are like boundaries that you don’t cross. Ever. And if you do cross them, you go right back to the boundaries. You resume. Bright Lines were NO SUGAR and NO FLOUR. White Lines. Bright Lines. Addictive as cocaine, flour and sugar are. Made perfect sense to me. There were other bright lines I wasn’t ready to get on board with- weighing your food, eating 3 times per day. Period. Writing down the next day’s food and eating only what you wrote. I didn’t care about those. But no sugar and no flour sounded good. So, starting on Oct 3rd, and weighing 212, I started an atkins-like diet, except I could eat potatoes, rice, fruit and triscuits, although in moderation. I still would have an afternoon snack, but no evening snack. I got used to it pretty quickly, and was feeling good. Decided to weigh every two weeks. After the first 2 weeks, I lost 6 lbs. I was writing down what I ate. The diet looked like this:

Breakfast- 2 cups of coffee with cream, no artificial sweeteners allowed.

6 triscuits with natural peanut butter and a banana.

Lunch- Chef Salad

Snack- 20 raw almonds and 1 babybel cheese

Dinner- Taco meat on arugula

Thanksgiving came and I was worried because my Mom was coming and usually diets go right out the window when Mom comes. I had already decided that I was going to allow myself stuffing and gravy. I didn’t allow myself peanut butter cookies, which I love. I was so proud of myself. But the scale just got more and more depressing. I managed to get to 198.6 (which thrilled me because I love getting under 200- 200 is the number that I really can’t stand), but then 2 weeks would go by with no loss, and then 2 weeks later, 2 pound gain, and then 2 weeks later, nothing. I was like “Really? Already?” When you have 75lbs to lose, you don’t expect to get stalled 10lbs in. That’s part of the problem, too- those pesky expectations. 

Finally, I gave in and broke my bright lines about a week before Christmas. I was tentative at first, but then it was like the “just one cigarette”- yesterday found me swigging liberally at egg nog throughout the day (and there are like 500 calories in a half a cup of eggnog!) Funny thing about eggnog- I was watching “Mike & Molly” the other day- Molly was depressed about something, swigging nog from the container, sitting on the couch near Vince. Vince says “I never understand how you can drink that stuff without the liquor- it’s basically pancake batter!” OMG- I almost peed my pants- it’s so true. But even seeing that didn’t put me off the stuff, unfortunately. But yes- I’ve been eating all of the peanut butter cookies I missed at Thanksgiving, and plenty of chocolate!

Ok- this post is long enough, so here’s the plan:

Plan A- I am going to try HCG drops for the next month- 2 days of carb loading followed by 3 or 4 weeks of a strict diet- no breakfast, except coffee (I must have my coffee), then protein plus veggies for lunch and dinner. If I make it that far, then I have a few weeks of a modified plan to ease me in to regular eating. I can expect to lose 20-30 lbs if I am successful.

After Plan A has been completed (I could do another round, but I have to wait 8 weeks after the original 28 days before trying again), or if Plan A is not completed,

Plan B- Weight Watchers. I’ve never tried it, and I believe that new things work the first time around (like the nicotine patches worked for me). This year I can afford it, I work from home so I can go to the Tuesday 9:30 am meetings. And I love me some Oprah! I love the idea of Weight Watchers because:

1- Supposedly, you can eat whatever you want, nothing is off limits

2- Weekly weigh ins- never done that, either. I would think that keeps you motivated

3- Camaraderie- maybe I can make some new like-minded friends.

Ok- that’s enough for today, I’ll be back tomorrow with the dreaded weight. I haven’t weighed in several weeks, so I’m anxious/worried to see what the number is.

Do you have any goals this year? Let’s do it together!