To love you, to lose you
After encountering Furfur and the Nazis, Aziraphale realizes that he can't let Crowley rescue him any more.
Written for Whumptober 2023 Day 28 – “We might not make it to the morning, so go on and tell me now.” | Bloody knife | Sacrifice | “You’ll have to go through me.”
Content warnings: Nazis, Holocaust references (nothing explicit)
“Expect a Legion to come for you first thing tomorrow,” the demon sneered, waving the evidence envelope up triumphantly. “Enjoy your last night on Earth.”
Aziraphale schooled his features as the odious being turned back toward the Nazis. Crowley was reclining on the divan, his hat covering his face. To anybody else, he might look relaxed, the epitome of sloth, but the angel could see how rigid his body was – like a coiled snake preparing to strike.
Belated, he realized the interloper was granting the fascist trio an eternal existence, to plague humanity, and he tucked the information away to be dealt with after that accursed miracle blocker had expired.
Empty of the euphoria he’d experienced just minutes ago, Aziraphale surreptitiously slid the photograph into his pocket. He nudged Crowley’s shoulder slightly, barely jostling it as though each touch would damn the redhead further.
“Let’s go,” he murmured, grabbing his coat and hat off the rack.
He couldn’t stop the faint blush that tinged his cheeks or the way his heart fluttered as Crowley discreetly positioned himself between Aziraphale and the infernal entities, shielding the angel as they left. The blonde was torn between leaning into the proximity – slowing just enough that Crowley would place his hand at the small of his back to guide him out the theatre – and cursing the demon for not realizing this behavior was jeopardizing his own safety (How could you be so callous with your safety, my dear, that in the midst of these accusations, you would fan the flames?).
Outside, Crowley’s bravado faded slightly. He jerked his head down the street to where the Bentley was parked, shoving his hands in his pockets. “C’mon, Fell the Marvelous, I’ll give you a lift back to the shop.”
Aziraphale hung back, not even trying to match the demon’s long, quick strides.
“Satan, I need a drink,” Crowley hissed as the angel joined him in the car. His knuckles were white as he clenched the steering wheel.
If Aziraphale covered them with his own, would he feel the same surge of love he felt earlier, when their hands had touched on the valise handle?
The angel stamped down the urge and instead folded his hands primly in his lap. “I have an outstanding bottle of La Romanee Grand Cru 1865 that I’ve been saving for a special occasion. Would you like join me?”
Crowley’s jaw clenched and his shoulders stiffened.
“Should probably be getting out of your hair, Angel – don’t want a Legion of demons to come causing a ruckus at the shop,” the demon answered, stomping his foot down on the gas pedal as the vehicle roared to life.
“I’d like to see them try,” Aziraphale snapped, digging his fingers into the top of his thighs. He fixed his gaze on his neatly manicured nails, trying to distract himself from the flames that licked the sides of the motorcar and the London scenery that they passed in a blur.
Crowley’s lips twitched in amusement. “Going to fight off all of Hell for me, Angel?”
Yes, Aziraphale wanted to yell.
If it meant keeping Crowley safe, he’d tuck him away in the bookshop, with his most treasured tomes and artifacts. He’d take up his sword again and dare Hell to try him, the Guardian of the Eastern Gate.
If he could keep Crowley safe from Heaven, he’d tell him of his discovery tonight. How it’d taken him millennia to recognize his own love for the demon. How he loved the little acts of kindness Crowley performed, twisting the intent to hide his virtue. How his heart had been pounding against his chest since the church had crumbled around them and Crowley had offered him his books.
It was cruel, to realize these things, and then to have to give them up that night.
“I only meant that I doubt that … odious demon will have much authority after tonight,” Aziraphale clarified. He lurched forward as Crowley swung into the empty parking spots in front of the shop, not caring that he was taking up two spaces.
The demon twisted in his seat to peer at Aziraphale over the top of his glasses, the golden hue of his irises filling his cornea. “What are you on about, Aziraphale?”
“I’ll tell you inside,” the angel promised.
Crowley’s face drooped. “Angel, I shouldn’t –“
Ignoring the voice in his head warning him against it, Aziraphale rested his hand on Crowley’s bicep. He felt the demon still beneath his touch, his gaze drawn to the pale white skin.
“Please?” Aziraphale pleaded. “It’s too risky out here.”
“Alright,” he conceded.
It took Aziraphale a full minute before he worked up the will to lift his hand and slide out of the Bentley. Crowley followed a beat behind him, hovering over him as he unlocked the door.
Aziraphale didn’t miss the way Crowley’s eyes assessed the length of the street, as though he expected demons to swarm them any second.
“There we go,” Aziraphale said, just to break the silence, as he opened the doors and gestured for Crowley to go in first.
The demon lingered just inside the door.
“Where do you keep the booze?” he asked lightly, with a weak smile.
Aziraphale snapped his fingers and led Crowley to the back of the shop, where the bottle was chilling on a round table covered by a white cloth. He waited until the demon sat down to draw the photograph out of his pocket, sliding it over the table to the demon.
“Is that –“ Crowley stared at the damning polaroid, at the shades of gray and white bled into black and their chocked faces as they held the rifle. He picked it up, scrutinizing it as Aziraphale poured the wine and sat down. “How?”
The astonishment in his voice sent a chill of delight down the blonde’s spine, thrilled to have impressed and amazed.
“You, my Neferti-fooling fellow, are about to perform on a West End stage,” the demon drawled, stepping closer to him.
Aziraphale’s face flushed with Crowley’s praise as he bashfully looked around.
“If that doesn’t make you a professional conjurer,” Crowley continued.
The angel couldn’t stop the excited smile that stretched across his face.
He was a professional magician. Fell the Marvelous. About to dazzle a crowd of soldiers on a West End stage.
The wine tickled Aziraphale’s tongue as he drank, trying to work up the nerves for what he’d have to do.
“There was a miracle blocker in the room. I saw you put it in the envelope,” Crowley set the photo back on the table and drank, his body easing from its tense state.
“Who needs a miracle when you’ve had private lessons from the Great Prof. Hoffman himself,” the angel preened, palming the picture and holding it up. “I simply say the magic words: banana, fish, gorilla, shoelace with a dash of nutmeg and voila –“
The photo fluttered out of his hand and Aziraphale blushed.
“Well, I did it when it counted,” he pouted slightly, disappointed to have failed in front of Crowley.
The demon smiled nonetheless, one of the small ones he gave when Aziraphale did something particularly funny. (“Buck up, Hamlet!” Aziraphale cheered, his voice ringing in a nearly empty theatre.)
“I think it’s time to retire the magic act,” Crowley urged, finishing his wine.
“Yes, well, I .. uh … I knew you would come through for me,” Aziraphale stammered as he poured a fresh glass. “You always do.”
He cast furtive glances at Crowley as he drank.
“Well, you said trust me,” the demon answered nonchalantly.
He’d trusted Crowley for centuries. To keep his silence about the Arrangement. To be honest with the angel. And Crowley trusted him.
“And you did,” Aziraphale sighed softly. “You could have just walked away. If you were truly as evil as you like to paint yourself, you would have done that.”
“Nah,” Crowley drawled.
The angel thought back to Ur, when Crowley had declared he longed to destroy the blameless children of blameless Job. And the clever way he’d subverted orders to spare the innocent.
Crowley was nice.
“That’s the problem with you lot – you think of things in black and white. Sometimes,” the demon explained, his head swaying the way a snake’s might, “you just gotta blur the edge.”
You lot.
He’d said in Ur. He was on his own side. He’d go along with Hell as far as he could. But Crowley was very clearly not on Hell’s side. And swooping in to save Aziraphale had nearly gotten him caught.
The angel couldn’t let that happen.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you, my dear,” Aziraphale sighed, setting his glass down. “I’ve gotten an assignment from my head offices.”
“Oh? Something for the Arrangement?” Crowley questioned, looking at the angel curiously. “I haven’t heard anything from Hell, but a directive could be coming any day.”
Aziraphale swirled the wine around in his glass, lifting it to his nose so he could savor the full bouquet. He had to be careful with what information he gave away, in case it worked against his plan.
“No, I doubt they will, but either way, Gabriel hinted they might be watching me closely – it’s best to put some distance between you and I.” the angel explained, wrinkling his nose.
America was on his itinerary. But it was only a quick stop before his true destination.
“Gabriel might actually get off his ass for once? I thought for sure he’d been sitting on it for so long, he’d planted roots,” Crowley smirked. “Must definitely be an easy job, then.”
“Yes, I expect so – I’ve just got to pop across the ocean to foment faith in America,” Aziraphale said, frowning. “Though, I suppose I’ll have to go without a decent cup of tea while I’m there. Are you planning any mischief I should distract Heaven from?”
“Ngh, think I might nap – it’s been a while since I took a proper sleep,” Crowley answered, downing the last of his wine. “D’ya have time for one more glass or should I hurry off?”
Why not? One more night of fond memories would be a blessing when he was in Germany and Poland in a few weeks, helping to smuggle Jews out. Aziraphale poured more wine for the both of them and lifted his glass in a toast. “Salud.”
The demon echoed the word.
They both nursed the wine, in no rush for the night to end.
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I know the last thing you should do with bigots is to engage with them. I know that, nothing comes from it.
But I have to admit morbid curiosity at just how far this individual would bend over backward to deny the truth. I’ve come to the conclusion that they must live in a whole different parallel world.
Highlights of this conversation:
claims of not easily being grossed out after the act of consensual sex between two off-age partners in a committed relationship grossed them out (this kickstarted this conversation, fyi)
somehow mixing up and combining atheism, paganism, patriotism and capitalism into one concept of “atheistic paganism”
calling pagan gods “not remotely good” and condemning paganism (which just seems... baffling, considering we’re having a conversation about THEIR god condemning people who have sex before marriage or who simply exist as homosexuals to eternal damnation. Sure, sure, the pagan gods are the evil ones here)
“homophobes do not exist”, based on their narrow definition of the semantics of the word, completely denying the actual concept it refers to
based on the semantics: homophobes have “a solid PTSD-level terror”, so naturally they would never seek out that which they fear
“someone with a phobia about running across homosexuals; why then would such a person even willingly encounter people dealing with same-sex attraction, pray tell?”
saying acts of violence against gays are “forbidden, rightfully so” while in the same sentence saying that voting “against same-sex lifestyles is a Totally different matter altogether“ and lacking the braincells to connect these two dots
still lacking the braincells after I connected the dots of voting against same-sex will restrict and take away rights, inevitably leading to acts of violence against this group of people no longer being forbidden and, ultimately, being incited by the law. I explained this. With the very universally known example of WWII and concentration camps
“they have PTSD about you, but they then seek you out? Come on! None of that makes any sense, really at all!“ they really got hung up on this lil definition of homophobes that they made up in their lil brain
"First of all, homosexuality was openly *supported* by the Nazis“, this is where I reached my limit, btw
“In fact, Trump's supporters are the Good guys at that, as history has proven abundantly.”, a paragraph down from limit reached
"your whole stance is utter nonsense; as the strong need not fear the weak, nor do they“, yeah no this isn’t even a fun thought experiment on how your weird brain works anymore since you just flat out refuse to understand what oppression is and how it works
“the Nazis were really extreme left-wing“ final but FAVORITE line of this whole conversation. The embodiment of the radical right is actually extreme left. For sure, since this whole conversation was very upside down
This was easily the most repulsive conversation I’ve ever had. And, again, I know arguing with bigots is pointless, I never expected to come out of this having converted them or anything, but to actually read the levels of denial of the real world, of real oppression, hate-crimes and the existence of... of just other view points, quite honestly - since they kept claiming “objective reality” over the “fact” that homosexuality is wrong - was... mindblowing.
Nothing makes me feel more like taking a shower, not just or my body but for my soul, than talking to someone who’ll try and act like oppression doesn’t exist.
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