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wishesunderthestars · 7 months

Note

Amongst the sea of amazing bts fanfics I keep coming back to Eunoia ever so often. It's truly one of those fics that you never forget about yk. It's amazing how you have created such an immersive world; that the length of Eunoia isn't intimidating, no matter how many times I read it. I am going into indulgent and fangirl territory next so I have a feeling this is gonna be kinda long (sorry for that TvT).

Ok sooooo... Starting with the amazing way you write such a relatable and human y/n. I know you don't always have to write relatable reader inserts since the point of these fics is to be able to experience stories and situations that you might (and prolly won't) irl. I know (us) the ppl reading this fic aren't world class producers who are friends with taylor swift but gosh darn it I feel like it when I am reading eunoia XD . The y/n feels so... human. They have their fears, insecurities, mess ups and they worry and overthink yet they also have their strengths and try their hardest no matter what. Their love hate relationship with their career and burnout, is honestly so refreshing to see becuz no matter if your career is your dream you are going to get tired at some point. OH YEAH AND THEIR COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR PARENTS! My gosh, it was so good to see someone acknowledge how hard it is to have a relationship with your parents where you don't hate them but you also don't get along because of your massive differences. It feels like you are stuck b/w a rock and a hard place. An argument that will never find it's peace...

Also, I feel like you absolutely nail the members' personality to a T. Ofc, tho you just HAD to give them such TRAGIC backstories ;-; (but yk I get it, the angst is what makes the fluff all the more sweeter). I adore the intricacies of their relationships with each other and also with the reader. All of them mean well but are hesitant to cross any boundaries. I hope we can see them get even closer and develop even stronger bonds so they don't feel like they are burdening each other with their problems and instead rely on each other <3 OK RAPID FIRE ROUND-

Namjoon- so charming, absolutely stole my heart with his rizz, emotional support bby, my anchor in the storm

Jin- absolute SWEETHEART, yes love how did you know the way to my heart was through the stomach, flustered jin is my kryptonite

Yoongi- OOHH gimme that angsty emo boy XD, No but for realisies BBY LEMME GIVE YOU A HUG! it's ok, we're gonna be okay <3 your past doesn't define you!

Hoseok- Sunshine Bby, You are loved, valid and just as important as all of the others, never a burden and always do so much more than you take credit for

Jimin- CLINGY BBY COME HERE & HEAL MY TOUCH STARVED SELF, His backstory made me genuinely sob, don't be afraid love you are safe here <3

Taehyung- ADORABLE LITTLE BABY BEAR, well since we haven't seen much of him I can't say that much but I hope to see more of him and his growth in the upcoming chapters <3 (Also since he is my bias I am even more invested! I am excited to see what direction you take him in :)

Jungkook- Bunny boy come here and tackle me to the ground with a hug >:) He is so cute, he just wants everyone to be happy together ;-; the juxtaposition of a cute bunny who is ripped *chef's kiss*

I feel like eunoia rn is at a midpoint. Things have settled and are not as chaotic but there is still so much to be done! So much to be said, done and so much to heal from. I feel like the story can go in any direction and I am so so curious as to what your vision is for the next chapters (ma'am can we have some crumbs please :> ). Also I was wondering; it was originally marked as smut so if you are still thinking of doing that? (I reallyyyy hope this does not come off as rude I was just genuinely curious; I love the story regardless and it's totally your call).

PHEW, OK THIS IS A LOT! I kinda feel bad for blabbering your ear off but what can I say, this fic is very dear to me.

(pls accept this cute kitty as compensation)

This ask made my day and I'm sorry for taking some time to reply but when I receive such long asks I usually like to think some more before replying. First of all, thank you so much for your words and the fangirling. I live fangirling!!

It is very important to me when writing the main characters in stories to give them their own personalities and make them as human as possible. I don't think it's as fun to write perfect characters or to read about them at that. The mc of Eunoia is very close to my heart because I can see myself in some aspects of her character and I'm happy that's true for other people as well. Relationships with parents can be very hard to navigate and she and her parents have a complicated history. They will never stop being her parents but their differences are so stark and they are nearly strangers by now. She was trying with them for the longest time and she didn't know when to stop trying. Or to stop pretending.

All the hybrids share unique relationships with each other. They might have tragic back stories but they are ones that led them to each other. They have had people crossing their boundaries so many times in the past that they are afraid of doing that to each other. They are all my babies and I adore them.

I was planning to write some light smut for it but I've been rethinking it. I don't have any experience writing smut and in this case the second person is throwing me off. I'll try but I don't know how it will go and if it will fit with the story well.

Thank you for sending this and thank you go the kitty💜 Sending all my love 💜💜💜

#asks

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yakkoyesi · 10 months

Text

YESENIA YESI Well I'll Be A Thousand lovefool Ocs

"Lovefool" mixture of "Love Me" song's lyrics.yakko ocs actress 'Yesenia' can identify as in our own loving manners.All out to our favorite dearest Warner Brother Yakko Warner (⁠●⁠♡⁠∀⁠♡⁠)(⁠✿⁠ ⁠♡⁠‿⁠♡⁠)

A year since my yakko oc existence, never imagining creating one of my very own ocs

*except dot warner jr of course* And having to grasp the variety of lovey doveys for this character Yakko throughout the years

*and me being such an introvert about it* I decided to take my Yakko Oc to a very interesting turn.

Yesenia Oc's purpose for all the silly mix ups Was to tone down all the jealousies over Yakko and make every yakko oc fangirl winners of his heart, including myself into the long overdue fun As well.And for Smarty-pants to finally get to notice me the real me within all the beautiful parts roles Yesenia has been cast as.

Piece by piece Layer by fictional layer within all the yakko oc's reveals a yakko ocs actress in the end, A long lost forgotten childhood friend of yakkos 'Yesenia'. *Spanish Jessica to the core*

Yakko and the gang to have wondered about her whereabouts absence as a Teenager, meanwhile interpreting the roles of Yakko Ocs you all know of today.*absent teen introvert No Internet partially true story ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯*

And so that being saidHere are the majority of Yakko Ocs Fangirls I've Met Seen Fascinated by and or Befriended by during my Deviant Art years.

This tribute is out to ALL them yakko oc fangirl/boys out there*So. Yeah. Hobbie. Just for fun.Basics Starting with me...

Enjoy

💙🤍🖤GOOD EVENING EVERYBODY 💙🤍🖤

"Minnie mouse of warner brothers" lol. on wanting to share my OC. Hope shes cute. (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡ .... I Hope you like it, Because i sure do love all your yakko oc's back throughout the years.

Thank You All."

- Yesenia (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠) (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠)

💙🤍YESENIA YESI ✧♡ OC NICKNAME: Her "Nickname" is 'Yesenia' 'Yesi' (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡ *unless otherwise think of a name* ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

✧♡ HER OCCUPATIONS: Aspiring inclusionist. Representation To All Yakko's OCs, Imitator..... *she serves as a peaceful tribute impersonation to All Yakko's OC Fans. yakko imitates personas, yesi tributes his oc fans throu her, in hopes that she could reveal her true self around him, Be Herself.*

✧♡ PERSONALITY: she's shy quiet mute yet Ecstatic, Gracious, Fun Loving, Multitask little Drama Queen carrying a Sarcastic Glance 😏

✧♡ CATCH PHRASE: "Good Evening Everybody" "Actions Speak Louder Than Words" "Minnie Mouse Of Warner Brothers!"

✧♡ CLOTHING: Styles a White & Blue Dress & Sunhats as her true herself👗👒 *sometimes yakko's oc's clothing for tributes*

✧♡ OC INSPIRATION: Minnie Mouse yesi loves old fashion inspired wear from the 1930s 50s ect *also Yakko isn't Mickey Mouse either lol*

🎁DEBUTE DAY: December 18🎂

*Birthday fact: Yesi's Birthday's the same as Mr. Spielberg's ;)

💚💛💙KIKKO part/role/factsBlonde Haired Green Eyed Animaniac BeautyStyling Primary Colors In Constant Envy towardsBlonde Haired Blue Eyed Bombshells 'Hello Nurse' & 'Minerva Mink'

💗SHANA part/role/facts*now shawn*But one of Yesenia's 1st fun precious roles & 1st fun precious friends (⁠♡⁠ω⁠♡⁠ ⁠)⁠ ⁠~⁠♪

💛🖤💗LAFFY part/role/factsTitles to be 'The Forth Warner' also 'The Giggling Bunny' styling her cute long ears as her pigtails, dressed in yellow making forth the perfect design and color to fit right in with the Warners. Plus also a friend of mine ༼⁠ ⁠つ⁠ ⁠◕⁠‿⁠◕⁠ ⁠༽⁠つ(⁠=⁠｀⁠ェ⁠´⁠=⁠)

💟🖤REM part/role/factDressed in shades of PurpleThe serious little Badass Emo vibed Warner *i'd say the closest to my 'current' personality of frustrations beneath my bubbly well mannered self due to life's punches* stays strong thus with a serious whit.

💟🧡LOLA part/role/factsAnother one of my awesome friends (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)Styling pretty much of a Tomboys clothing with neat-oh lavender pants.

💛💗💜LIZZIE part/role/factsTaking place in the Anime Warner WorldLizzie Gardenia not only named after a beautiful flower But beautiful personalty and design as well.Black Hair Yellow Fur creature whos Down to earth Passionate Attentive Creative and Intelligent. Enjoys Cooking Painting Studying Gardening Learning and Reading Long walks in the garden. Favorite pastry the Cheese Cake.

💚🖤🤍ZAYLEE part/role/facts Styling beautiful Pistachio Mint of colors An outgoing teenie bopper from the 50′s, Former lead female vocalist from a band in the 50′s. Singer and Dancer. One of the former mascots of a now defunct diner. Likes Vintage Fashion, 50′s music, Bright flashing colored lights, Poodle Skirts, and Milkshake’s. And dislikes An unorganized or unprepared band, Creepy Crawlies, Clothes she enjoys wearing that apparently don’t fit her anymore, being yelled or nagged at.

❤️🧡YASMIN part/role/factsWears a Yakko pants inspired Skirtwith a red flower in her hair Ponytail.Well there's one thing to know about Yasmine don't diss about Rainbows lols.

💗🖤DAELA part/role/factsSeen often alongside Laffy's success styles bolty bangs Black Ponytail Hot Pink smiley wear and also a friend of mine(⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)

🧡❤️💛VIKKY part/role/facts And Authentic Cozy Bundle Of Autumn Orange Of Colors and a Nueva Dulce Art Amiga (⁠ʃ⁠ƪ⁠＾u＾⁠）

💗💙🖤AYAKO part/role/factsMeaning 'Coloring Child' styles forth her eye-catching long naturally pink hair. Who's also a friend of mine ༼⁠ ⁠つ⁠ ⁠◕⁠‿⁠◕⁠ ⁠༽⁠つ

(ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧(⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧(⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧(⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ***yakko ocs credited out to their respectful owners⁠**⁠*⁠.⁠✧(⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧(⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧(⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧

Minnie Mouse Of Warner Bros

Yesenia Yesi yakko oc actress

by Yesenia Eguia Villanueva

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roquesox · 5 years

Video

youtube

just another adult in a onsie trying to be likable on the internet

#rabbit #bunny #easter #bunnyrabbit #easterbunny #emo #alternative #wiccan.youtuber #thesoxbox #soxynewvideo #kitaroque #fangirl #zoologist #musician #witches #alternativenormal

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thinthle · 5 years

Photo

Simsala Grimm AU with Emile Picani as Doc and Remy/Sleep as croggy (could be wrong with the names here my memory of the show is not that fresh).

Once upon a time the sides got stuck in a nightmare lured there by the dark sides with what they most desired.

Team Remile leaps to the rescue but realises they’ve been deceived. The sides they knew and loved nowhere to be found. Dreams and nightmares have existed in different realms each containing their own plane of existence of reality. The Multiverse expanding with each new headcanon, theory, fanfic and plenty of AU’s accompanied by unique and different art styles from Fanders all over the world.

Now their quest really begins can they get their sides back to their world before Thomas wakes up and forgets them. Emile: Traveling through fairy tales sounds fun right ?

Lets see if my taglist will finally work again also feel free to send them questions in my ask box to progress the story or just get to know more about them.

@thelogicalloganipus @romanpizza @helloprincey @hellomusicalnerdhere @lacteouslesters @lucifer-in-my-head @warnadudenexttime @angstyteenv @airakorainies @gay-space-rain @dorothyannewise @andlipstickboys @bunny222 @creepyfloof @the-queen-of-fandoms @healinghufflepuff @thatsmsmactoyou @futuristicinfluencernerd @delarpix @pailettehazel @aloa2u @lazycb @squirescreen @thecollectorofdarkness @panfilet @lucho-arts @dootdoodley @monstrous-madison @delphox-lover @skip-the-potato @escapedoodland @mangomonkeyboy @thatsweaterchick @twoframesstudios @awesomesilvercat @goldenfoxination @callmetrash1 @ebeanie @tj-the-nonbinary-alien @the-paper-head @pipiana-chan @galaxxibeast @official-alien-pancakes @10cloverfield @fux-nixi @imaginatekate @theaestheticworld @invisible-bunny @blacknwhiteblog @harrisonburg44 @sachikoaiyuki @so-fucking-proud @thatrandomfangirl28 @gigi-is-drawing @skythehooman @thatonelegobrickuhate @turtledog-loves-her-anime @artsy-6321 @crazybutcalm2 @thatonerandomromanian @drbblud

@cremafied @blackholebunny @s-t-s-g @craftymelongirl @jennijam07 @randomslasher @tragicillustrator @infinitesimal-heart @oli-smiles-sometimes @elkius @kingsketchdoodle @themightylotad @angelic-ace @turtley-gay @all-these-things-that-ive-dun @lucho-arts @rayray2425 @shinsyl @akwardly-magical @shyrenthedawndragon @mint-bees @meplushyou @demigosh @moriarrtty @necro-nova @lilis-doodle-dome @internally-screeming @kobaltski @breloomings @peachy-pattoncake @ethanhanbury @romanasanders @purpsart @mimiloverfox @ec-sanderssides @finnlinnaj @jojoztar @swerve-art @2queer2deer @could-always-be-gayer-2@featuredfander @morallogic @fangirltothefullest @novaedream @cattonsanders @notafeeling @parano--vigilant @logically-asexual @colorful-unknown @the-sanders-sides @the-sanders-snides @sidespart @charmingsides @imtoobiforyou @ifitsbritishimprobablyafan @fandergecko @pantton-sandacers @sugarglider9603 @misplaced-my-notes @meyonto @thomassandersownsmysoul @moxieties @ellistruggle @sander-sides-fangirl-with-pma @sanders-sides-fantasy @voidsides @cnv99 @paperghastly @im-basically-logan @caffibun @shesavampirequeen @tiny-mudkip @flatlinesunrelenting @blue-stopsigns @sanders-sides-thuri @aharleigh2 @pumpkinofspace @menaciingly @justisaisfine @notalwaysthevillian @fantasyinsanity @notallpotatoesarefrenchfries @officialwaterfairy @sunshine-in-a-petal @galaxy-warping @toastraccoon @finiteframe3 @quietgamesart @quietlypondering @why-did-the-jax-fall-over @the-pastel-peach @prettyinaccurate @phhiih @blombla-art @unknownsandersfan @purplepatton @angsty-hoodie @angst-patton @violetvirgil @basementtreasure @nightcatssketchbook @rocithefangirl @lowkeyvirgilobsessed @sanders-trash @deceitful-deception @akuryoudraws

@panic-at-the-everywhere-lol @chatterghosts @jewelsafecorner @demonlucy-chan @sinningbutwithstyle @sandy-sides @thought-u-said-dragon-queen @reba-andthesides @menacefh @simplypatton @pipapatton @agayfairy @pastel-patton123 @rose-gold-roman @lollingtothemax @smedenn @altruistic-skittles @peachy-pattoncake @minnie-monnie @melchann @goodjobmiranda @sidespart @never-logical @luarpice @strangerthings-and-phan @thatsthat24@sparkedawg @allthemetalsoftherainbow @kirsten-the-freak @the-darkness-art @aliferous-ly @pattson @jughead-is-canonically-aroace @saphirestrike @redundant-statements-for-400 @proudhufflepuffgeek @birdybabybird @quinintheclouds @yourpalmogar @all-my-fandoms-are-killing-me @dementeddracon @thatgaydemigodnerd @sanderdrabbles @countessmissyshort @anxiousravenclaw @creativenostalgiastuff @koalaaquabear @deep-ocean-blues @heythereprincey @devastate-my-space @inalandofmythandtimeofmagic @ffsas-side-account @urtrashthemes @the-incedible-sulk @savingshae @somepostontheinternet @grey-lysander @reba-andthesides @rose-gold-romantic @thatonenerdtm @septifanderplier @dementeddracon

@confinesofpersonalknowledge

@trashfireiplier

@asterias-confused-writings

@save-dirk-gently

@lacandra

@emphoenixcat

@thenerdycube

@walking-encyclopedia

@trashypansexual

@saphirestrike

@memesanddreamsinc

@catsandrandomness

@vulnerablevirgil

@too-precious-to-process

@radioactivebread

@crofters-jam

@faacethefacts

@nightly-illustrator

@robanilla-writes

@thestoryoftaylor

@voices-and-stardust

@countessmissyshort

@aikogumi

@theworldismysupernova

@vampyrsarah

@ruuworld

@romanssippycup

@aph-romania-appreciation

@spacenerrrd

@kurna-kovite

@deadinsidebutliving

@johnnyboylaurens

@hi-disappointed-im-daughter

@pandagirl0730

@thats-so-crash

@echomist13

@allierox15

@theroyalramen

@smokeyrutilequartz

@theworldismysupernova

@alextheodd

@erlenmeyertrashofsandersides

@heir-of-the-founders

@thepusheenqueen

@anachronistic-cat

@pieces-of-annedrew

@the-prince-and-the-emo

@shadow-walker-1201

@micha-song-loveheart

@ocotopushugs

@deep-ocean-blues

@emovirgil

@emotional-mess-in-distress

@emovirgil-sanders

@lacrimosathedark

@depressed-alone

@urtrashthemes

@bluebellie01

@panicatthephanfic

@fireflightyt

@bubblegum-borb

@pinkeasteregg

@anxiousoddish

@asalwayss

@musicsavedmefromdeath

@spacevirgil

@spoonfullofcrofters

@siriuswhiskers

@areyousirius-noheisdead

@magicmapleleaf

@katesattic

@planetsanders

@artistictaurean

@sesame-icecream

@magical-octopus

@kentato-kenart

@hanramz-the-fander

@crankywhenprovoked

@sanders-sides-thuri

@sanders-specs

@sandersidestrash1

@sander-sides

@sandersides-dump

@sanderssidestrash69

@sandersidestheories

@sandersism

@virgil-is-verge

@jesusonafrickinboat

@migraine-marathon

@tree4life25

@sandersfanderscandoers

@thomas-must-get-sleep

@osnapitzbc

@evilmuffin

@louisthewarlock

@candiukas

@just-another-transblog

@skylagamingv2

@mercythemermaids-blog

@devastate-my-space

@purplesatankittycat

@yourhappypappypatton

@thesilentbluesparrow

@kirsten-the-freak

@storytellerofuntoldlegends

@potterlover394

@madelynna

@incredible-introvert

@koalaaquabear

@sanders-fam-ily

@hissesssss

@theshipqueenarrives

@virgilisaneternalmood

@jughead-is-canonically-aroace

@sugarblob0

@logically-sided

@pearls-of-patton

@v-blue-writer

@minshinxx

@the-optimism-of-the-ostriches

@rptheturk

@shygirl4991

@baileystarsketches

@emokittenlikesgore

@cripplingchips

@heythereprincey

@icbatocomeupwithausername

@allaboutme70-blog

@space-d0ubt

@captain-loki-xavier

@logan-exe

@starry-eyed-haiku-dreamer

@digitally-analog

@datonerougecookeh

@starlightlogan

@katatles-the-fish

@funsizedgremlin

@thegirlwiththedragonheart

@moonlightinwater

@thecrimsoncodex

@cinderlunarcyborg

@kickthenavi

@pansexual-cat

@sarcasticanxiety

@didsomeonesayyoutube122

@nottodaylogic

@fanatic564

@jaybingu

@lepardlover

@cashmeredragon

@all-these-trees-stealing-mah-o2

@on-lock-like-attica

@the-lonely-angel

@proudhufflepuffgeek

@idiotauthor

@ts-sideblog

@jade-dragon226-fan

@literaturegoesasfreight

@confinesofpersonalknowledge

@sanderssides-deathangel

@too-random-for-me

@karmicmayhem

@hghrules

@theanxietyofbeinganxious

@ace-of-hufflepuffs

@ace-v-p-d

@ive-given-up-on-it

@violetmcl

@muontsy2

@microsoft-nerd

@hoodie-bros

@ashbash-the-trashcash

@milomeepit

@angeliclogan

@lockolocka

@makemeaplant

@blazeimagines101

@thegreyacefromspace

@ffsas-side-account

@sides-of-a-sunset

@unknownsandersfan

@the-feels-are-coming

@k9cat

@toujours-fidele

@angered-turtle

@nyxwordsmith

@gamerzylo

@nymphaedoratonks

@aliferous-ly

@221biotchplease

@minamishipsit

@anastasialestina

@my-dark-anxious-son

@deathbyvenusftw

@lucifer-just-needs-a-hug

@cinquefoilelove

@a-blog-just-for-sanders

@roman-is-a-gay

@anxie-teaa

@prplzorua

@lanasimanenkova

–

@mollycassmith

@ruuworld

@mollycassmith

@dudlebuggs

@pinkeasteregg

@sanders-family-sims

@musicsavedmefromdeath

@emokittenlikesgore

@siriuswhiskers

@fricksonsticks

@trashypansexual

@notveryglittery

@artistictaurean

@theanxietyofbeinganxious

@osnapitzbc

@today-only-happens-once

@thegirlwiththedragonheart

@baileystarsketches

@ocotopushugs

@darude-slamstorm

@do-rey-me

@sarcasticly-aarogant-blog

@fireflightyt

@juvenile-changeling

@ace-of-hufflepuffs

@constantly-sobbing

@curlyq-art

@awika-kate

@leesacrakon

@weirdsthenewnormal

@all-favorable-blog

@just-fic-me-up

@residentanchor

@well-love-has-failed-me

@mis-sinful

@madly-handsome

@upt0wnsquirr3l

@pattoncakes

@pattoncakesvirgil

@pattoncaketheprecious

@patton-cake-and-crofters

@pattonpattoff

@pattons-constellations

@roman-sanders-protection-squad

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mytherapistthinksimfunny · 4 years

Text

The Endless Thirst of Grace Michaud

It’s almost 11 pm, and in the four hours that I have been home from work, I’ve been reading articles about Adam Driver. Alone in my apartment, I snort to myself as I read The Cut’s “I Want to Be Adam Driver’s Baby” and “21 Things I Would Like to Do With Adam Driver” which I relate to a little too well. I, too, want to “peruse real-estate listings” with Adam Driver.

In my nearly 26 years of living, Adam Driver is this month’s Grace Michaud’s “It Boy.” Last month it was Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Next month? Who knows, but Henry Cavill is looking mighty fine in The Witcher.

For anyone who has ever known me, this causes little concern. To everyone joining the Grace Michaud journey: welcome. You are about to experience an everyday occurrence.

New friends, or people who only interact with me via social media: I suffer from being infinitely thirsty. My thirst can never be quenched. Usually the thirst comes at a normal level, like any thirst, and starts out as a simple tickle in the throat. If offered a drink I wouldn’t say no. But I don’t actively do anything about it. I could go for a drink, but I’m not about to get up and get one. Then the thought becomes nagging, that maybe I really should get up and get a drink right now. I’ll crave water, a simple free drink that comes from the tap. Soon my thirst becomes more distinct. I’m craving an Arnold Palmer and I need that Arnold Palmer now. I drink and drink and still I’m thirsty, drinking like I’m in the desert, about to die unless I drink the world’s entire water supply right now.

I am, of course, not talking about liquids. I’m talking about men.

An attractive male on a film or show catches my eye, and I make note. Soon I’m watching every movie they’ve ever made until I’m in a downward spiral of interviews in the trenches of YouTube and Google.

I’ve been attracted to the male species since before I could form a concrete memory. The evidence is in a video of my dad teasing me at three about a crush I have on a boy named Ricardo. Wracking my memory, the name sounds familiar, and I’m aware I had crushes when I was in preschool.

How in the world did my tiny brain comprehend the very idea of crushes? That one could feel something more than just friendship with someone? That I, a mere three-year-old just learning how to not urinate my pants, was able to identify that? I’ve dated 30-year-old men who are nowhere near that level of emotionally intelligent.

Who were you, Ricardo? Why was I fascinated with you? Was I attracted to you? Do three-year- olds recognize attraction? Where are you now Ricardo? Have you met your metaphorical Lucy?

So we begin, reader, towards an agonizing life of never-ending attraction to men. Now, I am absolutely not going to go into my dating life. That is just one long humiliating and questionable series of life decisions that even I don’t want to get into. Let’s just say, at 11, there was an entire diary entry of pictures from my yearbook of a kid named Kyle who once took a pinecone out of my hair. I shudder at the thought. And don’t get me started about junior year of high school.

I mention Ricardo to show you that my thirst for men was always there, whether I knew it or not. To me, it seems, it was just a normal feeling that was a part of me. Nothing unusual. My karate teacher was a hottie and probably why I loved going to karate. I loved men so much that I wanted to be them. I dressed in boy’s clothes, even boy’s underwear, and occasionally asked my parents to call me Michael. Now, you’re probably thinking: “Wow there is a lot to unpack here.” But this was 1997 and my parents just went along with it, not really caring as long as I went to bed when they told me to. While others may think something entirely different, I just chalk this up to being that boy crazy. I didn’t start wearing dresses until I hit puberty….but I’m already getting off topic and I don’t want this to turn into an episode of Big Mouth. Let’s try and remain focused here: I’m an obsessive person.

This is my Kindle library as of March 20, 2020:

There is a home movie of my two-year-old self pointing to my Tweedy Bird hat excitedly. “I have Tweedy Bird on my hat!” I repeat over and over with a lisp, clearly very excited I had something I loved on an item of clothing. Even then, when I loved something, I was all in.

Combine my obsessive personality with my attraction to the male species? We descend into madness, my friends. From cartoon characters, to television shows, to actors, to rock stars, to actors again. I obsess most over men I don’t personally know. Think 25 years of pictures covering walls. Merchandise. Staying up till 3 am diving into the corners of the internet for every last drop of information I could get.

And it all started with Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny was my first foray into fangirl territory. It was that episode when Bugs Bunny dressed as a Viking woman that drew me into the Bugs Bunny portal of obsession. I wasn’t attracted to Bugs Bunny in drag, necessarily; I was more fascinated by the idea of Elmer Fudd falling in love with Bugs Bunny. That Bugs was a character that could be loved romantically. I know this sounds really bizarre and heavy, but I fully believe that I was fascinated by romantic love that early in my life.

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Soon I didn’t stop talking about Bugs Bunny. I had an entire Bugs Bunny tracksuit, slippers, and a doll. There’s a picture of me in my entire ensemble while holding the doll, ecstatic. For my fourth birthday my mom made me a homemade Bugs Bunny Halloween costume. Bugs Bunny was even my imaginary friend for a bit there. I must have worn out the Space Jam VHS tape.

Note the Bugs Bunny watch.

That’s childhood obsession for you. When I loved Pokemon all I would do was talk about it and dream about it.

Then it was Digimon. In twenty six years, it hasn’t stopped. Up until December of 2019, it’s been one TV show after the other, examples being Avatar the Last Airbender, Total Drama Island, The Office, The Vampire Diaries, Supernatural, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Mr. Robot, Fleabag, Frasier, and most recently, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Harry Potter has always been a love for me, and I’ve been obsessed with two different book series: the comic books The Umbrella Academy (the show is a DISASTER compared to how good the comics are), and The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod (a book series about a vampire; as a bonus, see how many vampires you can count). A common theme for all of these things was the fact that I was attracted to a singular male character and their relationship to others.

In preparing to write this I wrote about 6 pages worth of notes, all ranging in obsession. To completely write about every single one would take a novel with each of my multiple obsessions being individual chapters. For example, during the Total Drama Island years I was constantly up till 3 am on the weekends making YouTube videos for the show. If you can find them...I’d be impressed. (But actually, please don’t.) I’ll try to provide a list and a little comment, as I split my obsessions into various categories.

At 11, I discovered the Sprouse twins and my object of desire went from cartoon characters to actors. I was known as “the Sprouse twins” girl, specifically Cole, during sixth grade. This was the first time I covered my room and locker in posters.

A year later, we jumped dramatically and came to my obsessive emo phase. While I listened to a lot of bands, my attention was turned mostly to Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy and Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. (The latter I would later meet after MCR broke up when I was about 20 years old after his solo show, and it was just as awkward as I could imagine). That’s when my room was completely covered in Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance posters. I wore a lot of black and those years were honestly my cringiest moments. Hey, we were all 13.

I started to shift more from short, skinny, guyliner-wearing men and noticing tall, muscular, and handsome ones. I can pinpoint when I started to first feel sexually attracted to a man (at an appropriate age! I was going through puberty!) when I saw the trailer for Fantastic Four, and Chris Evans came out shirtless in a towel. Oh GOD what an ICONIC moment. Goodbye Sprouse Twins, hello six packs.

The summer going into high school, I saw The Dark Knight 3 times because of Christian Bale as Batman. He walked in wearing that tight black shirt and my expectations for men from there on out would never match up to Batman. Gaston from Beauty and the Beast seemed hotter now (you all know what scene I’m talking about), That attraction became the strangest when I remarked to my friend that Ultron was pretty hot for a robot.

Maybe that’s why I love Kylo Ren so much. He’s the combination of two of my great loves: a buff emo.

The high school years followed a somewhat similar pattern, but mostly actors more so than musicians. To be fair, in high school Fall Out Boy broke up and didn’t get back together till I was in college, and My Chemical Romance only released one album in my four years. So during high school and college there weren't really any “emo” guys or musicians to lust over.

Now in 2020 I live in Brooklyn where every man and their mother is a “musician” so the whole idea turns me off. It was fun while it lasted though, and I’ll always be an emo kid at heart. I’ve seen Fall Out Boy 7 times in the last 10 years, and I paid an insane amount of money for My Chemical Romance reunion tour tickets.

High school was a time where everyone was entering a more mature phase of their puberty journey, and for me, that was lusting after men over the age of 30. I had a hella crush on Zachary Quinto (who I saw walk past me once in the Village and I almost pooped my pants) even though I knew he was gay. I went through a Freddie Mercury phase for a bit too, I mean, come on, that chest hair.

I had a few months lusting after Colin Farrell after seeing him in Fright Night (which I recently found out was written by my favorite Buffy writer! seventeen-year-old me foreshadowing the present). In The Phantom of the Opera I sided with the Phantom the entire time, wishing that I could be seduced through opera in a hidden Parisian cave. My mom introduced me to Ryan Gosling who became my dream man. While reading Great Gatsby I had a huge crush on Seth Meyers who I would imagine Nick Carraway as. He does sort of look like Toby McGuire? He was the first of many goofy men that would lead to John Mulaney, Rob Delaney, Nathan Fielder, Ben Wyatt, and Niles Crane. Chris Pratt still fits into that category, though he’s the perfect combination of goofy and buff. When The Avengers came out my senior year of high school, I saw it 4 times in the theater.

The British invasion didn’t happen until my senior year and defined my college years, with posters of Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hardy, Michael Fassbender, Eddie Redmayne, and James Norton. My feet ache thinking about the times I waited in line at a movie premiere or a film set to get a glimpse of any of these gents. When I saw Benedict Cumberbatch on set in Boston my knees gave out. Domhnall Gleeson is also in that group of fine British men despite being Irish. It’s why I always have a moral dilemma whenever General Hux comes on screen in Star Wars. Twice I had a hardcore crush on Seth MacFarlane, going to the Ted 2 set living in Boston, waving to him as he got into his car. I would meet him again 3 years later when I worked on Harry, looking like a total disaster. But he said “hi” to me which sent me to cloud 9. I once waited in a lobby of a show to meet Lee Pace even though I didn’t see the show.

All of these men at one point adorned my room, desktop background, dorm room (which was covered in posters, no wonder I rarely ever had a boy in there), and phone background. Today my phone background is the throne room scene of Rey and Kylo in The Last Jedi. Why do you think I had Tweedy Bird on my hat? I need my obsession with me at all times and I want the world to see.

(Thank God tattoos are expensive and I was too young to get them during my hardcore obsessions. Imagine if I had a giant Total Drama Island tattoo on my back? I shudder.)

While a lot of the attraction for these men was based on personality, looks, and accents, I also have a tendency to become enamoured with villains and dark characters. In 1999 I was in the movie theater seeing The Phantom Menace. Up until that point, there were virtually no children featured in Star Wars films, so when a young Anakin Skywalker graced the screen, my five-year-old heart would not stop beating. I loved him so much, I carried a Pepsi bottle with his image on it everywhere I went. I slept with it. My comfort blanket was a Pepsi bottle with a picture of a nine-year-old boy.

I had the famous Phantom Menace poster with young Anakin Skywalker with the shadow of Darth Vader behind him. I distinctly remember my dad telling me in the theater, “That’s Darth Vader as a little boy.” When I saw Return of the Jedi my favorite scene was when Luke took off Vader’s mask, because you got to see Vader’s real face for the first time. That Vader actually was a human and not a monster fascinated me to the point of obsession which, as you probably have figured out, still carries over to the sequel trilogy.

Bugs Bunny established my fanaticism, but Anakin Skywalker determined my type: men presented as villains but actually are redeemed over time. Through the years I think I’ve enjoyed getting to figure out someone. Their character is presented as one dimensional, and then even the tiniest thing that strays from that is seen as fascinating. There’s a great quote from an Adam Driver profile in the New York Times that I think encapsulates it:

“A manner so resolute that when some emotion does manage to escape - whether through a glint in his eyes or the unpredictable undulations of his voice - that transgression can’t help but take you by surprise.”

Now my therapist says that probably comes with my need to help and fix the real boys in my life. We both joked that our favorite character in A Haunting of Hill House was the drug-addicted little brother.

I think it is totally unfair, because I know that I can’t personally help them... though ok, she may be a little right.

While I enjoy “complicated” from afar, it does subconsciously fulfill the need for what I can’t do in reality, which is being someone’s reason to change. Mostly through love. Turns out, in real life, it is far less romantic to be dating someone with a lot of emotional issues! Who knew!

You decide for yourself. Here are all the fictional characters I’ve obsessed over who fit this category:

-Kylo Ren (I mean, duh)

-Prince Zuko (the original Kylo Ren)

-The Phantom of the Opera (Thank you, Leslie Knope)

-Damon from Vampire Diaries

-Hot Priest from Fleabag (ok not a villain but he’s supposed to be a holy man and you think aw he’s never gonna...AND THEN HE DOES!)

-Mr. Darcy (again not a villain but he was to Elizabeth at first!!!!)

-Duncan from Total Drama Island

-Draco Malfoy (that bleached blonde hair attraction still hasn’t gone away, oops)

-Spock in JJ Abrams’s last good movie Star Trek

-Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (oh if my heart could beat it would break my chest, how many times have I cried over that sweet platinum blonde baby?)

Look, I know this is all fictional and in no way real. None of these men exist and are all a fantasy. Hey, I watch You and am extremely creeped out by Joe! I don’t root for him! I also hope I don’t stay this way forever. I really don’t want to be a Twilight mom. I’ve calmed down in my old age, ok? I don’t wait in the cold for hours at a stage door anymore, and I go on real dates now. I’ve even had a few boyfriends in my days who were nothing like the men I lusted after nor did I even compare.

I completely agree that all these men would be horrible to date! Draco Malfoy was totally a bigot and bully. Kylo Ren killed his dad, and I have a good relationship with my dad, so I can’t really relate. And yes, Spike before he got his soul is nothing to wish for in a boyfriend, even if it was fun to watch him. Kylo Ren and Spike have killed multiple people. I’m not down to date a murderer.

One day I’ll be able to consume something I enjoy and move on after a week. Growing up, mundane suburban life was a little more interesting when you get lost in a fantasy for a while. To be focused on something other than school, work, or even your own anxieties. If anything, I think my obsessive personality towards men in particular just pushes me to look for more and to yearn for more instead of being depressed that I don’t get to live it. I don’t just settle for the first boy to like me back. I strive to one day not to marry a celebrity, a comedian, or an anthropomorphic cartoon character, but someone who makes me feel like I’m the heroine of my own show.

For now, I’ll just wait for the Phantom to spring me into his underground lair.

Taken 2 minutes before I published this.

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