#feels fair and normal. but also then it's like. i'm just assuming that people are lying to me all the time which feels really evil to do to

[olliecoded]

unstoppable force (it is so evil and selfish of me to not take people at their word when they say that they love me and care for me because that's a really vile interpretation of a lot of good people's words) vs immovable object (i am insanely evil anyway and it is crazy terrible of me to assume that anyone actually could love me just because they said so when really i know better and i should not allow anyone to have their life fucked up by me)

#does this make sense. i dont know it's just like i feel like i'm losing either way. there's nothing good that i can do in this scenario. #like i CANNOT believe anyone ever when they tell me anything good about myself. like it all sounds like a lie to me. and like to me that #feels fair and normal. but also then it's like. i'm just assuming that people are lying to me all the time which feels really evil to do to #them. but i don't know how to stop believing that they're lying. #like it feels SO good briefly to have someone tell me explicitly that there are good things about me. but then it just feels worse because #i'm like oh i'm so pathetic and terrible that i'm making them lie to me just so i can feel good about myself for five seconds. ok. #and it's not even an ACTIVE thing it's just. how my brain functions. like even on a really good day i am totally incapable of taking people #at their word when they say absolutely anything positive about me or their feelings for me. so it's not an on purpose thing even it's just #like. there's no winning. #like i need someone to tell me i'm okay and i'm good and there are one or two positive qualities that i have. but i also just need someone #to tell me that they're sick of pretending like i'm not just completely awful and terrible and incapable of being loved or wanted. #hello world

[psalmsofpsychosis]

a bit of a sad talk ahead, but

people who say that they just "love talking to other people" might as well just tell me that they have 3 pairs of extra eyes on their buttocks and i'd believe them, like that's how alien the whole experience feels to me. It speaks of a level of inherent... trust in the way you fit into the world, an intrinsic unchallenged belief that not only are you a good listener and in tune with other ordinary and non-ordinary people, but also you are wanted and the way you are and what you believe is valued and cherished enough to be listened to. And that way of thinking is so foreign to me. In the span of my life i have been friends with so few likeminded people that the basis of my socialising isn't an easy relatedness that would result in effortless enjoyment of what other people will tell me, or what i might tell them. To put it in simple terms, before every single interaction my brain puts forth a statement that "noone present is interested in what i think or feel or have to say, noone cares" and i proceed with that deep seated belief, actively override it if i'm feeling okay, or just choose to keep silent sometimes. But overall it adds an edge of... almost hostility to my communication??? And people often like it, but it's not enjoyable easy experience for me. Like, when the simplest talks you have with other people has that undercurrent of separation that you "i'm not wanted and i will talk anyway" your way through it, social interaction becomes a tiring and bitter thing by default, so naturally i talk to people but i dont enjoy like, 85% of my interactions, they feel like a necessary evil if anything.

And like, a lot of people talk with the underlying belief that they're listened to and cared about and recieved well, and it shows. It's amazing to me, even though i dont really understand the assumption, since my own assumption is that i'm not wanted.

#this is not a pity talk really #also not a normal talk like. i come from a very traumatising family i know this is not normal talk lol #it's just fascinating to me when people effprtlessly assume likemindedness and relatability #like no i dont feel a sense of easy connection with 90% of people and listening to them is a struggle #not an edgelord kind of struggle as in ''i feel like i'm better than them'' but as in. i dont find any common grounds with them #regarding how we percieve the world and process it #and a lot of people dont find talking to me enjoyable #they make very little effort to hide that either and it's fair really. #like if i want to actually double down on how i do this whole human business i'm not really a relatable personality #i can perform it. i used to perform it better in my teen and twenty-something years but i'm gradually getting weirder by year #and feeling less and less inclined towards making it platable so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[mrfoox]

Talking with Fabian and whooooooooo boy that was an conversation and a half...

#miranda talking shit #Uuuh i was kinda rightfully anxious? I told him about how i am a little freak and i basically am down to date 90% of my friends #But i got told by Oliver that it could be i act that way bc i dont want to be abandoned/left so im willing to compromise however they want #Me to... So talked about that with him and yep. We finally got into the whole... 'what are we' business. Or well kinda not directly #He said he didn't want to bring it up but we basically are on the subject so... And how hes worried that i will think too much about him #'i worry the more time we spend together the more your life will revolve around me and you'll value me so much more than i do you' #'it doesnt seem fair to you so ive occasionally not talked with you because i worry about that. You're a great friend but I know how much #You think about people. And im worried if you think about me too much you'll develop feelings or I'll mean more to you than before' i... He #Isnt wrong? Thats kinda how i work. The more people prioritize me the more ill value them and cherish them? But also... Idk if he understod #That i dont actively think about kissing or dating my friends? Its just a thing i know that if anyone asked I'd be down for it. But i dont #Daydream about it or anything. But then again he said some cryptic fabian shit like 'i dont have anyone else to compare with so i assume #What we have is normal. I sometimes want to cross the line to see where i still stand with you after doing it' like bro... Im so sorry i am #I am so far from 'normal' and him having me as his biggest both friend and female/woman in his life is probably such a mess i am crying #Me: ok then cross the line and see how you feel. 'but thats the problem. You dont have a line you're so open and down with everything you #Dont really react badly' I know i... Probably am making things hard for him sometimes but this was an holy shit moment /: hes worried to #Spend too much time with me bc of how i can potentially feel? Meanwhile I'm basically 80%+ of all his social interactions 😭 at one hand i #Appreciate him thinking of me and worry i guess but... Yeah. I told him: listen Fabian. My life does not revolve around you and youre not #The only one i think about. You are safe.' his and mine relationship is my favorite but also i definitely worry bc i know how much what we #Have or talk about or act is his... Only reference for girls basically. I mean outside his mom. He's not had any other girl friends and no #Actual girlfriend. So his reference to whats... Okay and appropriate is basically dictated by me and im seeing that very clear now im kinda #Afraid. Like... Im not normal on any level. If he's basing his view on women on me hes going to have an awful time truly... Idk if i should #Be offended or flattered that he thinks he's the center of my world 😭 like hes not completely wrong. I talk with him multiple times per #Week. But i can also say hes not all i think about at all waking hours lol. I obviously love him and care so much about him but im not #In love with him. Not as far as i know anyway. I dont think of him how i do people i have crushes on for example so yeaah. It bothers me #More that he couldn't just say 'im not into you' bc thats fine. He added the whole element of 'im not sure' like buddy now im going to be #Anxious about that in the future. I guess he have no reference to crushes so he cant tell but like... How do you want me to act so you can #Tell? I want an solid answer putting in an maybe is cruel even to me. This is funny bc tbh i dont even know if i would be able to date him #Even if he said he wanted to. Bc i know his biggest wish is to be a dad and i have nog fully embraced that idea even /: 'i can feel how ego #Centered i am. Assuming im the center of your world like that' at least youre self aware sweetie. Sounded like he was at peace with all we #Said and im here like... Binch there's so much to think about i wish i could read your mind i need more information to understand all this

[liondanosaur]

Dan and Phil, phandom expectations, the complexities of queer dynamics and how they are erased by people.

I'm going to start this by stating that this isn't directed towards anyone who makes jokes about things like "phivorce" or "our married dads" or fainting a bit (me too) over dan saying phil is a power bottom. It is also not to fault anyone for being young during 2009-2019 and not understanding boundaries or how badly you overstepped when you were a teen or younger, but about people who are still active in this community and have genuine expectations about Dan and Phil’s life and what they should be sharing with us.

For a long time, Dan and Phil's relationship has been romanticised and sexualised throughout many different mediums such as fanfics, tumblr blogs inspecting small movements and amounting them to intense theories and so on. Dan and Phil themselves have stated they don't have issues with fan fictions, and neither do I - however, overtime when people's basis for the fantasy of what dan and phil could do or could say have become distorted from reality (for some people within the fandom). Some examples would be, people's expectations on their sleeping situations, their sexual and romantic lives & the way that they would eventually "announce" their relationship.

But for me, the main issue has always ended up being the erasure of queer connections that tend to contradict what people expect from them. There is no basis with queer relationships for what they need to be, when two people find themselves in a queer relationship in any way, there's no expectation of the way it should play out. In heterosexual relationships, there is a worldwide accepted idea (which isn't fair, but has always been the assumed basis for along time) that it should be, dating, marriage, house and then children and so many different expectations of small things based on culture and country.

Queer couples don't have an outline and tend to be able to make their own.

The truth is, is that Dan and Phil will never fit into the heterosexual stereotypes people eagerly want from them, because they are two queer men. Queer relationships are unconventional fundamentally. Two people could be a couple and sleep in separate beds, never kiss and not engage in sexual acts together and still be a queer couple, they could also be married and sleep in the same bed but not be sexually involved or literally anything they choose, because there's no one telling them what to be. I won't make assumptions on what they are because this post is mainly about counteracting that , but all that I mean to say is that, every aspect of a queer relationship can just be decided by the two people, which tends to make for a relationship where things can be different from the normal concept of how we see heterosexual relationships displayed in media and in life. Queer people get to decide every small detail based on if they feel comfortable with those different things, instead of heterosexual relationships where a lot of the time people feel that there is a preconceived notion of how the relationship should play out.

There seems to be this agreement in the phandom that dan and phil haven't confirmed themselves fully to be dating, "but they are but aren't but are but aren't", and I think what people miss is that is what a queer relationship is like. No, dan and phil will most likely never make a video saying "we are married, this is the bed we sleep in together every night" and then kiss on camera, because why would anyone? They've said many times they are together, but people always crave more - because the way they say it isn't in some intensely straight on YouTube in your face manner, it's just casual - the same way its casual for anyone in a decade long queer relationship to not make a massive deal out of their relationship.

For a long time people have had a vision, due to imagine posts on Tumblr, fan fictions about it, and loads of other things, that it would be some grand announcement - that they are married and had a secret wedding and all of these over saturations of exceptions from two normal people who gave us the safe space and shared their lives with us. You will most likely always only receive dan agreeing that him and phil are 'just like a normal gay relationship', or describing themselves as "best friends, arch enemies, husbands, business partners, partners in crime, soulmates, just mates, who the fuck knows?'.

I think, for a lot of people who lived out their teenage or younger years of they lives reading, thinking or fantasising about dan and phil one day being out, the way it's occurred may have felt anticlimactic because of the high expectations of how someone would give out a really sensitive part of themselves to the world. To have lived in the thoughts that they would have made a big deal out of things, it can make the way they approach it seem disappointing in a way, to the point that people are still expecting an announcement about a marriage or at least their relationship some time soon - even though dan says he hates commitment (which can mean many different things, and people view what commitment is in various different ways), most gay couples don't tend to get married and phil's said how daunting having a wedding sounds in the past.

Dan and phil have an extremely special bond, one that even dan has explained transcends any human relationship, and to say that they might not share a bed, or maybe they aren’t romantic in ways you may expect, or maybe they are, or maybe there’s lots of complexities to the way they are with each other, those things don’t take away from the deep connection they have. People shouldn’t reduce their deep connection by the expectations of what they want a relationship to be, if they have separate beds, if they have a shared one, if they are comfortable in a middle ground of just existing in each others presence without ever tying a public word to what their dynamic is - all of it is down to them to share. When you experience such a strong connection with another person, and have for over a decade, it cannot be tied up in a neat bow for people, and it must be daunting to know that people have a preconceived notion of what they desire them to be, and that they can’t meet all the standards people want from them.

Dan and Phil transcend any normal expectations of a relationship, and to admit that isn’t to erase the connection they have, but rather to accept that this expectation of a heteronormative relationship between two queer individuals is limiting to how deep their connection truly is, and is erasing that queer connections are much different and can be much stronger than an average straight relationship. It is also important to not erase their friendship just to speak about their romantic relationship, because their platonic relationship is extremely important, and is something that is so special.

I guess the main consensus is that people need to understand the complexities of queer relationships, that queer platonic couples exist (which may not be what Dan and Phil are, they could be what lots of people want them to be, but there's no acknowledgement of the possibility of it being something like that), and that if you're going to be speaking about queer couples, at least comprehend how they aren't going to be a heteronormative idealistic couple, and how a lot of people need to stop expecting them to be.

This isn't to stomp on lighthearted jokes we and dan and phil make, like funny comments about our divorced dad's when dan went on tour or how we are the children of old gay rats or anything that is of course lighthearted fandom bantering and not something you expect them to actually ever meet the expectations of, but more so a commentary on the way that people still discuss things they have made clear that they do not want speculation on, and things they have many times set boundaries on. A lot of people's fantasy of a big "we are together" YouTube announcement most likely won't occur, because of the amount of times they have reiterated their want to keep private things private, and that is okay. That doesn’t take away from the strong relationship that is present between them or the magic in their videos or dynamic.

We all collectively love dan and phil, that's why we are all here, watch and love them. It's time, really, to accept that they are simply two amazing silly boys who live together in their forever home and choose to share their lives with us, and that should be enough for people, and if it isn't - it would be good (not in a cruel way, but from one phan to another) to reevaluate if you are overstepping something that is blatantly going over a boundary and if you have a fantasy image of them that you’re pushing onto them.

I’d also love to hear anyone else’s points on this topic as I feel like I could also write 800 more paragraphs, and if you have any additions or disagreements or just general discussion about it - I’m open to hearing anyones opinions as I think queer dynamics don’t get discussed enough :-] thank you for reading!

#my long essay has arrived #big rant moment oops #dan and phil #dnp #phan #dnpgames #dan howell #amazingphil #daniel howell #phil lester #danisnotonfire #queer community #queer

[nothorses]

I noticed that you reposted something that is along the lines of proship

I agree with leaving media alone but I think its incredibly disgusting when people ship, for example siblings, because what it feels to me is that they have an incest fetish or something

I know just because someone writes about murder doesnt mean they support it, and I believe that. but usually when people write about murder it's in a negative context, obviously showing how it is so incomprehensible to outsiders about how someone could do that, or showing how we need to get these people help.

trying to apply this to, for example, incest, if someone ships an incestuous relationship then it seems like it would be in a good context, and it seems like they support it should it be in real life. that's how I view this all. (itd be different if they shipped siblings as a strange headcanon and talking about how it's bad... this reasoning I can understand the most to the point where I can let myself ignore it)

how am I supposed to learn to not care? especially when they are really outward about it?

okay.

I do not participate in shipping discourse because I do not participate in shipping. I'm not really In Fandom anymore like, generally. I don't... care.

Because of this I had literally no idea what you were referring to in this ask. I had to scroll. So far back. To get to this post, which also doesn't refer to shipping discourse.

I also have not talked about incest here, and the post in question doesn't talk about incest.

It's about murder. And gore. Which you say here is fine.

Literally why did you send me this ask.

And like... there's a fair chance this is just bait, and there's also enough of a chance that you're genuinely asking that, like, fuck it. I'm gonna get shit no matter what I do, so I may as well try to do a little good.

You use the words "feels" and "seems" a lot in this ask. And I'm really glad you did, actually, because I think it's honest; you're operating on your feelings and assumptions, and that's really important to keep in mind.

And your feelings on this are valid! It's normal to be uncomfortable with certain content, and it's normal to not want to see or engage in it. You don't need to feel any differently about those things. You don't have to consume incestuous content, you don't have to be okay with it, and you don't have to be around it.

But ask yourself: you assume that other people engaging in this content means they support it in real life, but what if they don't? What if you're wrong?

Maybe they're saying it's wrong in a way you're just not picking up on, or that you don't recognize. Maybe they aren't saying it's wrong; maybe it's in the context. Maybe it's in a genre trope in a genre you're not familiar with. Maybe it's irony or satire that you aren't picking up on. Maybe they aren't saying it at all, but that's still what they think, and they just chose not to put it in that content for... who knows what reason. Maybe they're literally just bad at writing.

What then?

Sometimes you're going to feel or assume that something is going on, and you're just gonna be wrong. And you could ask who's fault that is- did you fail to pick up on something you should have been able to, or did they fail to communicate it well enough?- but like, what are you going to do with that information?

Sometimes people are not very good at literary analysis, and sometimes people are not very good at writing, and that's just part of learning. Do we tell everyone not to attempt to talk about certain topics unless they're "good enough" to do it "right"? How do we know when someone's "good enough", and how do they get to that point without practice? Do we just ban those topics altogether? What topics do we ban- where's the line? How do we enforce it? How do we prevent that from being weaponized against marginalized people?

Anon, you asked me how you can "not care" about these things existing. And I think that's a valid question; you feel there is injustice, and you want to stop it. That can be a very noble impulse, and it can be harnessed for a lot of good.

But it can also be really, really toxic- not just to the people you hurt because you act on assumptions and impulses that are incorrect, but to yourself. You can't control everything. You can't control how other people feel, whether or how they engage in certain topics, or what they do or say. You just can't. And trying, or wanting to try, or thinking you should try- it's going to drive you nuts.

So here's how not to care:

Remind yourself that you might be wrong. Take a moment to think about all the things you don't know for certain, and the things you would need to know to be absolutely, 100% sure that you're right.

Consider how important this is to you. How close is this person to you? How important is this issue? What would it feel like to let this go- would it continue to impact you? Do you have other options? (removing yourself from the situation, blocking tags/posts/people, etc.)

Consider what you can do, and what you should do. Think about the tools at your disposal, the power you have in this situation, and how likely this person is to listen to you. Think about whether those tools are ethical. Again, what if you're wrong? Is there any reason you might regret your actions?

If you still feel like it's worth addressing, start by asking questions. Make sure you really know what's going on, and if (and when) the situation changes with new information, walk through this process again. Repeat back what you believe is happening until they confirm that you're right, decide again whether this is worth it, and then proceed.

Sometimes it's more effective to just vent to someone else, or to make a post about the issue generally without confronting that person- especially considering your assumptions might be wrong! Maybe it's worth it to talk about what you thought was happening, but you don't know that what you thought was happening is what was actually happening. You can still talk about it, just, y'know, without making it an attack on someone else.

And again, I don't give a shit about fandom discourse. This is important to me because these are themes that crop up in regular-ass media all the time, and disagreements that crop up in regular-ass relationships with friends and family and loved ones. I think it's important that people have the skills to navigate disagreements, unintentional harm, and perceived slights in healthy, productive ways.

You can't live your whole life demanding that everyone agree with you on everything, or blaming other people for everything you misinterpret or assume incorrectly. You cannot assume that everything that hurts you was designed to hurt you. You can recognize that these are assumptions and feelings, and that's great! And I hope you're being honest when you say that you want to learn to let things go.

[comicaurora]

Just a quick question as someone who is well-meaning but just a little confused about the kindle thing:

is it just the filesize of the pages that's the problem w/ downloading? I'm not sure what the difference between dl-ing up front or while reading would be from a hosting perspective. (unless ppl are actually wanting every page at once instead of like a few chapters' worth)

Sorry if all this is annoying, I'm just trying to better understand the problem. I don't mean to bother, so if it's not something you want to talk abt, then that's completely fair.

I guess the thing I keep snagging on is that it's not at all what I intended for the comic and it's not what the site is optimized for. My site follows an extremely normal webcomic format, the tumblr mirror has multiple pages in each post if people need improved loadtimes, and I'm getting kind of thrown that people are suddenly asking for it to be in a completely different offline format? A webcomic has "web" right in the name. It doesn't work that way, it hasn't worked that way the entire time the comic has existed, and frankly, while the intent was definitely not malicious, being asked "hey I'm having a lot of trouble pirating your work, you should make it easier for me" feels Weird And Bad for reasons I would assume are self-evident.

From my side of things, I'm hoping to get Aurora physically published in the future, and physical publication these days usually also goes hand in hand with an ebook release. Publishers already need convincing why they should physically publish something that exists for free online. If I jerry-rigged a downloadable ebook version myself, why would a publisher go to the effort to do it for me? It'd be like self-publishing the book first and then asking them to pay to do it all over again. I would very much like to not fuck up the publishing thing and that means I'm not touching anything a publisher would want to do.

Aurora is entirely free. It has no affiliated patreon, and after a brief run and some laughably poor policy management from google's ad plugin, the site no longer has any ads. I'm not saying this to guilt anyone - just to contextualize why, after finally completing the work of four and a half years of my life that I shared 100% freely with the world for the sheer love of creation and the profound joy it gave me to see people fall in love with this story I care so deeply about, why it sucks that people immediately, not even 24 hours after the final page of arc 1 goes up, start complaining that it doesn't exist in a nice little bundle on all platforms on and offline.

I promise it's not a big deal, but it's not a pleasant experience either.

#asks

[genericpuff]

saw a post criticizing lore rekindled a while back, and one of the points made was "it's unfair to rachel that someone else can profit off and make money off her work"

do you profit off lore rekindled??? i don't remember if you ever said that you were monetizing lore rekindled, so i'm unsure where this piece of information came from

I literally do NOT profit off Rekindled in any way shape or form, it's a Tumblr comic that's free to read, zero subscriptions, paywalls, or ads.

I did just recently open a Patreon and apply my Twitch channel to become affiliate, but 1. my Patreon doesn't have any paid members yet , 2. my Patreon won't be offering rewards that limit the reading experience of Rekindled (it's gonna be like random doodles n junk), and 3. I haven't even streamed since I applied for Affiliate and people are watching the streams for art and lo-fi, not for any sort of exclusive reading experiences that wouldn't also be accessible on Tumblr (you just get to watch me slowly work on Rekindled while playing FF XIV LMAOO) All of these restrictions I have in place is to prevent exactly what folks assume or accuse me - profiting off Rachel's IP. At the end of the day I just wanna create an AU fanfic project, even if it's created out of disappointment for what could have been.

I *do* spend a few hundred a month though for my assistant. So I'm working on Rekindled completely at a loss, out of my own pocket. So in that regard, even if I were to monetize any part of Rekindled... it wouldn't be for my own profitable gain, I'd maybe be able to cover some of my assistant fees 🤣 (but that's just hypothetical food for thought, because as I said above, I don't want to monetize Rekindled because of the potentially legal and ethical issues in doing so. Making money is also just not why I'm making Rekindled because it's something I wanna just do for fun! Money complicates things, turns shit into a job :'0) And let's be real, in that hypothetical scenario, I don't think any money I could generate on my free to read Tumblr project would come anywhere close to threatening Rachel's bottom line 🤣

And this isn't to throw anyone under the bus but when people get suspicious of Rekindled profiting off LO, I can't help but think of the actual fans of LO selling handmade LO merch on Etsy and LO-style adoptables and other arts and crafts dedicated to their favorite comic. And I'm not gonna judge them for that, more power to 'em if people wanna buy their cool stuff (and some of it is really REALLY cool, like I wanna buy their stuff too LOL), I just think it's ironic that people separate the two because... I'm not a diehard fan? Or because Rekindled has gotten popular here. Beats me. All that "popularity" is still just a niche remake of a niche comic in a niche medium. It's not Spiderman Lotus levels of big 🤣 but I know it probably feels that big to people who are engaged with this fandom and spend a lot of time in it.

There's an opposite side of being a yes man that perpetuates similar behavior on the other side - when you come up with reasons to rag on someone just for the sake of it because you can't rationalize them NOT being the all 100% pulp of evil LMAO (and I see people do this even to Rachel and it's not fair imo, like people who use the Lolita thing as a way to accuse Rachel of being a legitimate pedophile? Like no, I don't think we should be normalizing serious accusations like that. I think she's just misinformed in a lot of ways at worst and suffering from dark romantasy porn brainrot at best LOL).

Like, as an example, I've also seen people claim stuff like I'm in the fan spaces telling people not to read LO and to read LR instead? Which like... why would I do that, LR isn't for the fans anyways and I don't gain anything by being a dick in their space 🤣 If my own readers are doing that, that's out of my hands (but respectfully don't do this please!!! there's a reason I don't use the standard LO hashtags and only stick to the anti ones!!!!) but again (and this is a big assumption so take with grains of salt) I think people just like to claim these things because they feel it's just naturally the right thing to do when someone who has opinions they don't like actually puts them into action. Because now they can't say shit like "well if you think you're so much smarter than Rachel why don't YOU write the story!" and "you don't know what it's like to manage a comic!" so they grapple onto whatever other argument they can even if it's misconstrued or entirely pulled out of thin air and not backed up with any legitimate evidence.

Their perspectives make sense to them. My perspective makes sense to me. I don't blame people for being suspicious when they see someone like me pour this much time and effort and money into a project like Rekindled, they assume it HAS to do with something they can rationalize from their own point of view, like wanting to "steal" Rachel's work or profit off it or take it for myself out of "jealousy".

Sorry to disappoint y'all with a boring answer, but I'm just someone who was once a huge fan of LO and couldn't let it go. I'm just someone who's way too hyperfixated, with a lot of passion for making comics and experience to match. I'd still be making it even if I didn't have an assistant. I'd still be making it even if I was stuck working with nothing but paper and pencil. Because I love making it and I love what it means to me, and I love that it makes other people feel the same way I do about it.

And that's really all I have to say on that.

#ask me anything #ama #anon ama #anon ask me anything #lore rekindled #lore rekindled ama

[lutawolf]

My Personal Weatherman and the D/s element Ep 1

I've gotten several Asks requesting this review. I will say that as of watching the trailer, this is more a D/s relationship and an M/s one.

Let's check it out and decide for sure, though. I love the beginning. It says so much about the character. It was a warm day, and he dressed too warm, which is why he didn't understand the initial request.

Okay, so we know he watches the new aka weather news anyway. Every day and all the way through. Now is that because he wants to or is that a command?

Okay, I just fell in love with this character. "I don't like him. He just has the most appealing facial features out of all the faces in the world." Boy in love, but he not gonna say it. Is what that means. His friend is adorable. "I hate him. Including all those aspects." Home girl calls him out, though. "People who watch it six times are usually devoted fans." Yoh is not a slave. A slave would be way too terrified to say the things he is saying. Then add in the fact that he'd clearly broke a rule and wasn't breaking into a sweat about it. Says he is no slave.

They are D/s. Right off you can see there are rules. Yoh didn't notice him come in and cut off the phone. Which is why Segasaki just reached over and turned it off for him. Then reprimanded him for not noticing. That's when Yoh says, "Welcome back." Indicating this is a baseline command. I'm assuming he doesn't get back at the same time every day, or he would expect Yoh to be waiting at the door for him. One word command, "food." Again, Yoh is feeling secure in venting openly, and he feels comfortable with Segasaki's anger. That is not a slave. Segasaki so far does show Master tendencies. That's not a biggie because I can too and as most of you know, I'm not one.

The way he stutters and gets nervous when Segasaki cages him in, is completely normal. That's exactly how I would expect a submissive to act if I caged and got with direct intent. However, Yoh and Segasaki are not on the same wavelength, which is never a good thing. Segasaki is actually reprimanding Yoh, but Yoh isn't realizing it.

I have no baseline to go off of yet. So I don't know if him saying the food is bland is him reprimanding or his natural state of assholishness. I'm actually leaning into a mix. He's still upset about the girl and is wanting attention. This gives him a reason to make demands. See the way he touches and smiles, that's a reward.

Poor Yoh just doesn't understand and is completely missing his Dom's love languages. The drinking his drink. Completely normal. I 100% do this. As I tell my husband, I'm marking my territory. Just be glad I don't want to piss on you. To which he is eternally grateful. Please note that I am not kink shaming. If it doesn't harm anyone, I'm of a mind, you do you. However, it is not mine or my husband's kink. However, even if this kink is yours. I think even you can find amusement in mine and my husband's by play.

Yoh's internal monologue is hilarious.

I love how Japan's dramas make sex so visceral and realistic.

I'm so dead. Sunny has now become a lewd word. Yeah buddy boy, he doesn't understand because you aren't opening your mouth and telling him. To be fair, Segasaki is shit in the communication area too. Which is a no-go when living a D/s lifestyle. Also, humiliation is clearly not a kink for Yoh and that's something that Segasaki should really be respecting. "I hate my obedience, always giving in." That's something that a sub should never think. However, they will if you are a shit Dom.

Even I want to punch him over that curry comment. Okay, so there's the kink. Segasaki likes to see the anticipation from Yoh. That's why he is doing this. That little bit of talk back is, once again, not a slave. And why Segasaki immediately responded, he wasn't upset that Yoh talked back. So right now I can tell you on the sliding scale, Segasaki isn't a Master but a deep Dom with Master tendencies. I'm still trying to get a feel of Yoh, but I can say without a doubt that he is not a slave.

Oh, that was a brat move. He purposely did something he knew would piss off his Dom to get the reaction he wanted. Which was to be forcefully handled. That little moan he gave at the force. Boy likes some pain. That smile says that his Dom knows exactly what he is doing and is enjoying the game.

That command and demand for obedience. And Yoh does it. Not because he has to, but because at that moment he is dominated and he wants it. That's what makes him a subby sub. He's using the word slave, but there is too much give for that. Boy isn't willing to own up to his own feelings. Lawd, but these two are a mess. His Dom adores him. It's all right there, but Yoh can't see it. Because he thinks he is a slave. For whatever reason, he can't see all the freedom he is given.

The fact that he knocked and let him know that he'll be late. There is a lot of respect there. This is a right mess, it is. Honestly, it kind of giving me heart palpitations, and not the good kind. I have like this absolute need to contact all my subs to make sure everyone is healthy and happy. Ahhh!

I hope you guys enjoyed this. Much love. 💜💜💜

#my personal weatherman #luta talks my personal weatherman #luta talks kink #coconuts mafia

[morskisir]

Answer to this ask I had to post seperately because I reached the character limit or something.

OHHHH Anon you are not ready. I think about this bastard so much and too deeply.

Before I get into it:

I love how you worded this question- gives a nice atmosphere.

Just to be clear this is all about RED Sniper. I apologise to any BLU Sniper enjoyers for I don't have thoughts about that guy.

I'm not the biggest fan of the comics for many reasons so don't mind me retconning a lot of that.

In the end these are all MY opinions and views of him- if you don't like them that's no problem. It's free real estate.

And FINALLY; my thoughts, under read more:

OKAY, let's start with what even got me to interpret him the way that I do; hell yeah baby, it's Meet the Sniper time.

I've seen MANY people often assume that Sniper is one of the most normal/chill people of the 2fort nine- but the impression I got is that he wants you to think he's normal so desperately despite everything else pointing to how fucking weird he actually is. Simply noticing the stuff he's saying makes it a lot more clear. The very beginning where he goes "Boom, headshot," making light of taking another person's life so swiftly. "Cause at the end of the day; as long as there's two people left on the planet- someone is gonna want someone dead," really positive light you see the world in, Sniper.

Of course you can take this as him being "realistic", and I do agree he's more of a realist than a pessimist or optimist, but "...have a plan to kill everyone you meet," is SO fucked up. Why is his first thought when meeting someone to know how to kill them? This to me is him not being able to properly connect to other people/understand them or actually SEE them as people. Not to mention his smile after delivering that shot in the timelapse of him sniping (AND after stabbing Spy). This cunt enjoys killing. He's not the type to slowly kill someone or torture them- but he is the type to feel satisfaction after planting a bullet in someone; give himself a pat on the back for it- or perhaps find humour in the kill.

The conclusion this brought me to is that he is an unreliable narrator in "Meet the Sniper". (Also the "..be polite," line. Yeah, sure, dude. Your voice lines are very polite.)

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HIS FUCKING TEETH? The way his teeth look and how much they're shown to the viewer by exaggerating his mouth movements feels like a "this guy is NOT normal" sign. No one in the game has teeth similar to him and his canines are HUGE. Like holy shit, he's an apex predator.

A comment @cheebuss (I know you wanna get tagged) saw once has been a running joke between us- it was basically "He indicates so he's normal," which is fucking hilarious, but I can genuinely refute that point. First of all we see him fucking speeding in the beginning of the video- to be fair we don't know what the speed limit on this road is, BUT:

Cunt drives around with a broken side mirror. That's really unsafe, obviously. A good chunk of that mirror has gone to shit and he does not care to replace it (which feeds into my headcanon of him being stingy/not wanting to spend money because he lived on a farm and they did everything themselves). Speaking of his van; it gave me the impression he likes having everything he needs near him- he doesn't need a grand, expensive space to feel comfortable. (I headcanon that he's actually scared/unnerved by vast, empty spaces/buildings) ALSO I think he's messy and prefers the claustrophobia of his van. I like to believe his childhood room was much the same (to the detriment of his mother)- that's his safe space damn it!!!

And here I can transition into talking about his parents!!! : D Of course, not much was shown to us of Mr. & Mrs. Mundy, but we can still glean some stuff from the video- and partially- the comics.

His father very obviously disapproves of his job, calling him "a crazed gunman", and showing his morals do not align with Sniper's. Sniper calls for his mum during the phone call shown at the very end of the video- looking annoyed and somewhat distressed. It's clear to me that they've had this argument many times and Mrs. Mundy is the mediator in them. I think she disapproves of the job as much as her husband does, but is sick of hearing them argue to that extent. Regardless of this conflict, Sniper loves and cares for his parents- they are his world. He doesn't care for anyone else, most of the shit he does is for their sake and continuing to provide support so they can live a stable life at their farm as they get older. It's one of the nicest things about Sniper.

Although, I do think he struggled to get them to understand him properly. He is a quiet man who doesn't express a lot of his emotions. That will complicate things, especially if he doesn't talk about it- and he doesn't!!! : D

Despite this, I think they were the people he was closest to. Sniper, to me, is a guy who's never had friends and has been lonely as well as isolated his entire life. "Too weird to live, much too rare to die." And this is a VERY long time we're talking about; DECADES. Decades of minimum to no human connection. (Just to note; he is almost 50 to me. The comic writers fucked the timeline up and made him a 20 something year old. The Sin. Do not speak of it to me. It makes him less interesting/compelling I'm not kidding.) He is anxious in social settings, barely speaks up, and prefers to simply back away when he doesn't know how to deal with something. (SUPER DUPER AUTISM + SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!) Does he try to interact with his co-workers? Veeeeery little. He yearns for connection he convinces himself he doesn't need. He trusts no one. He's a mystery to them.

But hey!!! Less distractions from his job!!! (Bad transition) This man is genuinely incredible at what he does- I keep replaying the part where he reloads his rifle. He was not kidding about being efficient (he also kills the entire BLU team in that video??). The lad's got incredible patience, aim, control, and overall understanding of what he's doing. There's something fucked up about him observing the people he's targetting like prey, but let's leave that for when I mention his previous job as a tracker (if I do). I imagine the only thing he excelled at in school (he did go there!! He can write!!!) is maths, as that is very much needed when you're a sniper.

BTW I think he barely passed school; he hated being there, had no interest in school work and his teachers kept pestering him about his social life. Leave him alone, he doesn't need that (he does).

Most of his focus went to his parents' farm where I think he mostly took care of the animals....or went out to hunt them; which is how he learned to shoot out of a rifle in the first place. (His dad taught him.) He's not exactly an animal guy but he's also not not an animal guy.

It's complicated.

ANYWAYS, I've talked enough about one single video. Let's mention his in game voice lines a bit!

There's a LOT of material there but here's the stuff I want to mention:

He talks to himself a lot. He isn't out there with the others- his job is to be perched up somewhere high and shoot from a distance so he doesn't get spotted. He makes so many jokes that only HE's going to find funny, except "You've got a forehead on ya like a coffee table," which is genuinely the funniest thing he's ever said. Boy voices his thoughts and tries to entertain himself when he's alone- I don't judge him for that. He has to sit there for hours in complete focus (he helps himself via a lot of coffee). I DO judge the things he says, however.

He's violent. (WHAT!?) There's plenty of examples but I would like to mention one adressed to his teammates. One of the "Jeers" commands is "Should've saved a bullet for some of you blokes!" which, hey, what the fuck? That's scary. He got so frustrated he threatened his own team with murder. (It's kinda funny) To me this shows he's bad at controlling his outbursts or that he never learned how to deal with them. (Autism moment!!!)

He literally growls.

There's this line addressed to Spy: "What goes around comes around, you snotty little nance." If you're not aware- "nance" is derogatory Australian slang for a prissy, effeminate gay man. I headcanon Sniper as a homosexual man so it tickles me that he's so insecure about this fact. It's sad, absolutely, but I find humour in this horrible man being a homophobic homosexual. Project your insecurities onto a guy who can read people extremely well, why don't you. He won't do anything about it, I promise :) (Lie)

I was doing my best to not mention SniperSpy but CAN WE TALK ABOUT HIS LINES AIMED AT SPY AND HOW THEY'RE DIRECT RESPONSES TO THINGS SPY SAYS? (plus the highest number of revenge lines he has directed at someone is Spy)

-> = response to:

"Aww, did I get blood on your suit!?" -> "You got blood on my suit."

"I was never on your side either! Wanker!" -> "I never really was on your side."

"Ah, my God, you've been shot. Did you get a look at the handsome rogue who did it?" -> "I'll see you in hell, you handsome rogue."

BY THE WAY, THAT LAST LINE? SPY ONLY SAYS THAT TO HIS COUNTERPART. WHAT, WERE YOU LOOKING AT HIM? WERE YOU WATCHING HIM ALL DAY? WHY DO YOU REMEMBER SO MANY THINGS HE'S SAID? WHY ARE YOU SO FOCUSED ON HIM? ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH HIM? ARE YOU OBSESSED? WHY ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH A LITTLE NANCY BOY? HM?

There is so much more I could mention. I think whatever thing he has going on with Spy is super important to him, but I will hold back for your sake as I can talk about this for hours. You have no clue how many parallels there are, etc.

Anyways, he's in Expiration Date! A little bit! He doesn't say anything. <3 I'm proud of him!!! <3

He literally just stands around ominously in the shadows (and finds RED Spy being made fun of very amusing).

"Hehe."

(I just noticed he took his watch off and put it on his vest. This is an autism moment because I, too, hate having something on me that I don't usually have so I need to balance it out by removing something else; if I have it on me. Either way it's sensory suffering.) (Him being super attached to his hat and glasses is also an autism moment. He is no one without them.)

And then he has that one part in The Bread Fight(tm) where he gets confused by Pauling and Scout pushing the bomb.

"Tails gets trolled" looking ass.

I like watching him fall over.

After he falls here, he takes his kukri out which was... attached? situated? It was behind the strap of his arrow carrier. I think that's cool. I also think he wouldn't be doing that during matches because Spy is very much capable of stealing it/putting it away without Sniper noticing, even if it was literally on his back.

Also, I am a firm believer in "Sniper can only do one thing extremely well and has little to no interest in creative stuff," so I disagree with the idea of him being able to play a saxophone. You could say he was made to do that in school, but this guy is a smoker. I do not believe he can do that. You cannot convince me.

I think that's enough! This doesn't even go past the hypothetical tip of the iceberg, but it's a lot of words. This is the very basic stuff you have to know about how I see this cunt.

Thank you for letting me share some of my insanity.

#ask #morskiwords #tf2 #sniper #sniperspy mention i gues #thank you so much for this ask i love talking about this fucked up thing i care about too much #i wanted to include the 'feelings?' line but id have to tackle too many things i hadnt even mentioned here #overall im really surprised at how little of my thoughts are in here. i guess you dont realise the extent you think about a character until #-you write it down #uh. yeah. im normal

[northern-passage]

is it weird/wrong of me to always play a lesbian character as a man? like no mater what if game i always try and be female, the man mc i just can fit into as a man myself. i dont think its anything to do with wanting to be a woman (but if i was reborn and able to chose how i looked and what gender i would be i would pick to be a woman) im just a bit confused becuse i have seen people say that im basiclly sexuallising lesbians and its very wrong of me to do that. im just lost becuse it dont want to sexualise that but i just feel more comfrotble being a woman in the game becuse it feels like im able to express myself more/be more emotinal, but if im a man ingame it jusr feels wrong of me to do any of that, like im not soppused to.

well... it doesn't really sound like you're sexualizing anyone. what you've described here doesn't really seem to have anything to do with sex in that way at all. it sounds like you just feel more comfortable playing as a woman and there's nothing wrong with that.

there are definitely some games that do write their male and female mcs differently & force them into a very strict gender role (ie man is always big, strong, stoic & masculine whereas woman is always small, dainty, emotional & feminine) and i can definitely understand that it can be uncomfortable being forced into that little box. as a butch lesbian myself i often don't like playing as a stereotypical "submissive feminine woman" & will sometimes choose to play as a man instead to avoid it.

there is absolutely nothing wrong with playing games or exploring characters that are different from you. in fact i think it's very important to learn about other people's experiences. my other game, blood choke, has a lesbian mc but i have no issue with other people playing it; in fact i encourage it!

and now, to be clear, i absolutely am just a random stranger on the internet and there is no way i can extrapolate anything about you and nor do i want to assume anything. but i really really urge you to maybe do some reflecting about why you may feel this way. maybe you are just uncomfortable with being confined to specific gender roles and that's absolutely fair on its own. we live in a patriarchal society that puts a lot of pressure on both women and men to be a certain way. you can express yourself and be emotional as a man, regardless of what society says, if that's what you want. and you can play games as a woman if that makes it easier for you to do that.

but you also just admitted to me that you feel more comfortable playing as a woman in self-insert games because you feel like you can better express yourself as a woman, and that if you had the chance, you would purposefully choose to be a woman in real life.

i feel like i have to let you know that you can actually be a woman in real life, right now, if that is what you really want instead.

at the end of the day i can't tell you what it is that you want nor can i really give you "permission" to do something. maybe none of this really applies to you at all-- again, i'm just a random person on the internet. i don't know you. but based on what you just told me i think it would be worth it for you to sit in these feelings and really think about them and what they may mean. maybe it means nothing. or.... maybe you learn something new about yourself.

either way, just know that what you're doing-- playing as a woman/lesbian-- is fine. especially if it is something that brings you comfort & allows you to express yourself in a way that you feel you normally can't.

much love to you anon 🫶

#ask #anonymous

[chrkrose]

Okay so just a rando ask, I was reading through the posts on your page,, and I came to thinking

If daemon truly abandoned Rhaenyra, why didn't he just run away with nettles? Why did he have to still fight for team black when he could have just flown else where with her? Rhaenyra would have met her own end inevitably. I’m no daemyra shipper, I’m not a daemon fan either it just doesn't add up. He sacrificed his life to get rid of the biggest threat of team green? Wouldn't it be fair to assume it was for Rhaenyra? Or atleast his children.

Now this is just my personal opinion, he loved nettles, yes (she's awesome who wouldn't 😩) but he also bore some love for Rhaenyra (she’s mommy🥰) as well. He chose to let go of nettles to protect her because he loved her. He chose to fight for Rhaenyra because in the end of the day he loved her and wanted to prove his loyalty to her (but wasn’t actually faithful lol)

Daemon in his Katherine era 💀💀💀💅 blurry ass pic

He died for her cause if not for her in the end of the day. Well atleast that’s what I think 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I don’t believe in the theory that he fled with nettles, it just sort of feels out of character for him, to leave his children, Aegon the younger in the clutches of Aegon ii. Daemon imo would scream his head off if he knew his first born son was captured by Aegon ii, and somehow work up some scheme to get back into the game and possibly overthrow Aegon ii. And it just seems unlikely he survived the fall as well. 

Daemon is a complicated and morally grey character, but like any character he has his merits and he has his flaws. I think his love life would be as complex as he is, conflicted by both duty and love.

I hope I make sense lol, I want to know your thoughts.

Ok, so first thanks for being normal even if you have a different opinion. Usually, I always get a bunch of people screaming at me lmao. It's cool to have rational discussions even if in the end the parts just agree in disagree. Now, back to the points you brought. I still disagree lol. Imo, Daemon didn't die for the cause, much less for Rhaenyra or his children. I'm gonna break down why I think this argument makes no sense whatsoever:

Fire & Blood never implies that Daemon had a close relationship or even cared that much for his children. He didn't hate them or anything, but we have no canon basis to say he was a fatherly type where he thought of his children that much or was willing to make huge sacrifices for them. This is fandom projection 101. So to say he did what he did thinking of his children is a stretch IMO.

Aemond wasn't Rhaenyra's biggest threat at the time. Her biggest threat was Daeron and the Southron army he had assembled. It's canon. "And yet, the greatest threat to Rhaenyra's reign was not Aemond One-Eye, but his younger brother, Prince Daeron The Daring, and the great southron army led by Lord Ormund Hightower." And that was before Ulf and Hugh's betrayal and before Rhaenyra alienated Addam by declaring him a traitor as well. So even if Rhaenyra didn't say anything about that in the letter to Daemon (which I doubt, since she was sending the letter to demand Nettles' death, so she sure talked about the dragonseeds' betrayal), Daemon knew about that already. He knew that without him, she was fucked, because she would have only Tyraxes and Syraxes on Team Black's side, and you can exclude Syraxes since Rhaenyra wouldn't go into battle. He knew all of that. He still chose to die anyway.

About running away with Nettles, a few things to consider. As long as he was with Nettles, she wouldn't be safe. If he runs away with her and Rhaenyra somehow wins the war, she will send for him. He would be a traitor, she'd never forgive that. If Rhaenyra loses, Team Green is definitely going after him. He would be a threat to the throne, they would never let them live. The best way to protect Nettles is to send her away alone. Besides that, regardless of what happened, if he ran away with her, he would never be able to return home and I doubt Daemon was keen on living on the run forever. It doesn't fit him.

It seemed like he was tired of war, tired of the scheming, tired of fighting. Even before I reached the point where he makes the decisions he makes, I felt his narrative shifting, and his time in Maidenpool with Nettles looked much more like a vacation to him and a respite than a mission. He seemed happy with Nettles, and happy with that bubble he created for them, but once reality burst that, he seemed done with everything. This is also sort of corroborated by his dialogue with Aemond, where he agrees he has lived for too long.

The narrative in any way frames his final battle with Aemond as something he is doing for the cause. Daemon might have gone through a somewhat redemption arc, but he's still very much a selfish man and someone who would never go down in any other way than not an epic way because he is "the rogue prince". His showdown with Aemond is written as something about both of them as characters whose arcs are mirrored at every turn, finally culminating in their final encounter, and written as Daemon's big send-off.

The narrative specifically frames his final act as a betrayal through Rhaenyra's lens, further corroborating all that was set up before, something that is narratively satisfying to the reader because at this point she's very much the villain instead of the hero. We have seen her burning bridges, behaving poorly with the smallfolk, and being unfair with allies, culminating in her acts against Addam, Nettles, and Corlys, and overestimating her hand to the point of being arrogant in her certainty that Daemon would come back to be with her after murdering an innocent woman. Until this point, Daemon and Nettles have been written as a romantic arc, one that ends in heartbreak, specifically because of Rhaenyra. So we have this moment of satisfaction when Rhaenyra realizes that even though she did everything she did, and she was so certain she would win, she actually lost. He left her. He betrayed her.

The story leaving the "possibility" that Daemon could have survived and gone to find his way toward Nettles serves to show where his loyalty truly lies, and where his heart is, in life or death. If anything, to believe he went on a suicide mission because he couldn't stand being apart from Nettles is a much more acceptable and logical conclusion of his final choices than the bizarre cope that is the "he died for Rhaenyra, for his children, or for the cause".

Finally, I don't think he loved both because I don't think he ever loved Rhaenyra tbh. Not like he loved Nettles or Laena. An argument can be made that he loves Rhaenyra in the show adaptation (although I disagree about that medium, but this is for another post). But in the book, it's very clear that she's not on top or even second in his list of "women I romantically loved most in my criminal life". I say Nettles comes first because his love for her seemed to come from a genuine place of wonderment and affection, with no hidden agenda behind it. Laena comes close behind because even though we don't know if he indeed fell for her or if he married her to advance politically after his recent downfall from power at the time, he clearly came to love her very much in the years they were together and was happy in their marriage. I say even Mysaria might come first to him than Rhaenyra, he clearly cared for her for a while and was very upset when they lost their baby. The only person beneath Rhaenyra is Rhea because he clearly hates Rhea. In the books, Daemon groomed and wanted to use Rhaenyra to get back at his brother/get closer to the throne and later they combined their shared vision and aligned political ambitions in a marriage that was beneficial to both of them. Obviously, there was physical attraction (and co-dependency on Rhaenyra's part), but love? I don't think so.

#Nettles #Daemon Targaryen #Nettles x Daemon #Anti Rhaenyra Targaryen

[billpottsismygf]

The Devil's Chord! This was my most highly anticipated episode of the series because of The Beatles - who I'm very nostalgic for, sue me - but they had a much smaller part than I expected. That may be for the best, as the actors don't look anything like the real deal, but they did an admirable job considering the circumstances.

I love the idea behind this one. I'm a musician myself and love things about music. Music being important, music being holy, I love it all. Everything from Maestro playing us into the theme tune, to the way it aligns with the characters' established personalities (the Doctor's jukebox and Ruby's band), made me very happy. The music battle was especially cool. Very The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Out there, but I liked it a lot.

Maestro was also a lot. I liked them, though. Great costumes, great performance. A campy villain in the best way. They're the Toymaker's child, which is interesting in itself, and I like that the rules around fair play seemed to extend to them as well.

There was a lot of series arc stuff here. So, Ruby has Carol of the Bells deeply ingrained within her. There was some important figure (another of the Pantheon, presumably) at her birth - is Ruby herself a child of the Pantheon? More snow, as well. There's also the One Who Waits coming up again. It all feels a little too self-conscious and crammed in - "remember, there's pay-off coming for these random mysteries that you have no context for!". I know we live in an era of heavily serialised media, in large part because of streaming and the binge model, and obviously Doctor Who has been semi-serialised since the revival, but it just seems like a lot. Maybe even too much, especially since the first episode was quite heavy with it too.

Although, I did wonder if this one was meant to be later in the series. First Ruby saying "you never hide" and then "you always know what to do" signaled a far longer association with the Doctor than she has had, but then it was especially jarring when she said it was hard to keep track of when her time is and it could be June or July... That sounds like someone who's been travelling with the Doctor for a while, not like someone who's on their second trip. And it was Christmas for her only last episode. Obviously there can be off-screen trips, but usually for the first couple of episodes we want to feel that this is the start of their journey as the audience gets to know them. Did this get plucked from later in the series and dropped into the episode 2 slot? Because it seems a bit of a shame, if so.

There was a lot of fourth wall breaking in this one as well. There was a wink to camera each from Maestro and the Doctor, as well as the Doctor's comment about thinking the music was non-diegetic (a nice little moment that probably a lot of people will miss). I do quite like a meta moment, and particularly loved the Twelfth Doctor's partaking in them, but I wonder if these serve a particular purpose, because we also had Mrs Flood talking to camera at the end of the Christmas special. Since RTD seems to be going with a theme that the rules of the universe have changed and become a bit more magical, I wouldn't be surprised if the meta elements tied in somehow.

Then, this is less meta and more fully surreal, but that whole ending musical number was... odd. I don't know what I think about it yet. The Doctor with his wink and "there's always a twist at the end" seemed to signal that we were leaving the normal reality of the show, but then... Did that musical number literally happen? How about the Abbey Road zebra crossing acting like a piano? It's part of my specific brand of autism that I struggle with surreal things when it's not clear how/whether they relate to the more realistic things going on, so maybe other people love it. It just made me feel confused, though, and slightly annoyed. I expected a musical number because the trailers showing this made that fairly clear, but I'd assumed it would be explicitly connected to the strange happenings of the episode. Instead it's just plonked at the end after everything has been fixed.

A lot of this latter stuff sounds quite negative, but overall I really liked this one! As I said before, the music stuff speaks to me personally very much, and I'll withhold final judgement about the serialisation stuff and even the meta/surreal stuff, as it may well pay off yet.

Small things

Love their outfits so much, and obviously we've known about them for a while, but it was funny they were worried about blending in when both of them (especially Ruby) were wearing pretty 60s adjacent outfits at the start. The Doctor was more 70s, but I don't think many people would have looked askance.

Ahhhh, Fifteen mentioning that One was in the junkyard made me exceedingly happy! The speculation about what happened to Susan also has me hoping beyond hope that this might be set-up for a Susan return.

I loved that extended instrumental scene where Ruby just played on the rooftop and people listened. It was quite moving!

Love hearing the word "lesbians" on Doctor Who <3 - I don't think even Bill explicitly got to use that word!

Just the general queerness is really nice. Ruby writing a song for her friend's gay break up. Maestro being they/them and it not really being a thing beyond their introduction. Ruby's mum having a "girlfriend" who was a Beatles fan that makes me wonder if that's in the platonic or gay sense.

I want to know the behind the scenes details of how they chose the music they did, especially when it comes to the chords that both summon and banish Maestro.

Henry the child is real and alive at the end! (Though it's during the musical number, so I guess real is dubious.) When he vanished into nothingness (and his music teacher didn't seem to care), I had thought he wasn't real. Does he have his own world-ending powers?

The Doctor referring to bigeneration as having had his soul "torn in half". Hmm, don't like that! I won't rehash my feelings on bigeneration here, but this implies that there is not continuity between the end of Fourteen and the start of Fifteen, which mucks up one of the only ways I could hold onto being just about okay with it.

#doctor who #the devil's chord #mine #dwmine #reactions #doctor who spoilers #dwspoilers #it's not even a good musical number #oh well #also the susan thing has me genuinely very very hopeful #please please please bring back carole ann ford while you still can #and obviously if you do bring back susan she had better be played by carole ann ford #dwe15

[eldritch-spouse]

Hello pinnieeee :DD, I'm currently disintegrating rn so how world the Icons deal with a sick queen? I have a stong feeling snake mommy will be the most calm (and probably most normal) about it, or she could also have a mental breakdown, who knows? 🤷‍♀️

I think you did an ask like this with the clergy sluts but I'm not sure if you did one with the big dicked/titted man/womanchildren

istg daddy-big-dick's gonna make our condition worse

[To be fair, I don't know if answered this for the Icons too, but I can't really find it, so I assume I didn't. Also, I hope you get better soon!]

Icons with a sick Queen

Vesper has to be reminded he can't quite literally fuck you out of illness. It's common sense that sharing lust with a concubus can help them survive harsh conditions, but you're only a human for now. Vesper forgets this, and tries to eat you out... Nevertheless, he may be severely misinformed, but he can drag a human doctor to Hell without trouble. They're staying in the manor until you're okay. Their payment is getting ravaged by imps. Vesper will sit next to you while you rest and possibly read for you. You have to tell him to stop anxiously bouncing his leg because it shakes the little bed you're in.

Zizz will be your personal bed. In fact, for most of the duration of your sickness, you're carried everywhere like a baby. You may have trouble sleeping because of pain/discomfort, so he'll be there to make sure you don't spend too much time agonizing awake, only to take care of basic needs. He's stressed enough to lose his own sleep balance, and it shows a little as he becomes sluggish in his work. He's calling several people, and conversing with you amidst your dreams, getting as many opinions as he can regarding your condition.

Rinx has brought ten bags of wildly different medicine types home, and he has no idea what to do. Do not let him load you with drugs. He just doesn't want you in such blatant misery, and he had to be sure he was getting the right stuff, so he got everything there was. He's curling around your laying form and worriedly asking if you're okay every single time you shift slightly. If you make him move away (probably, because demons are hot and you're likely overheated), he's going to whine about it. Rinx isn't above getting you high so you can feel better.

Kalymir is a disaster. Get up. Come on, get the fuck up, don't make that deflating balloon face at him, you look like a corpse (very flattering). He has good intentions, but he's the worst. He doesn't really like pills, so you're going to have to yell at him to get them. Don't ask- Scream. The King hates to see you so down and placid, so he'll taunt you in hopes of getting a rise out of you. A half-hearted "go fuck yourself" will suffice. Catch this fucker dumping the juiciest steak on your lap and demanding you eat. If you want a doctor (which is recommended with this hysterical fucker around), yell at Kalymir until he gives in.

Vorticia is, predictably, a touch calmer about this. Although, given humans are so frail, she's far from remotely secure in her ability to cure you. She worries that you'll perish at any moment, simply because surface-dwellers are that weak. Most of your time awake is definitely spent eating, if you can, a variety of soups and broths and every dish under the sun that's said to have healing properties. Other than that, the woman keeps you company, makes sure you're comfortable, and gives you things to entertain yourself with. She looks perfectly calm around you, but inside she's running a mile a minute. If you start losing your appetite (something possibly fatal for a glutton), she's going to really panic. Possibly drag an entire human medical team into Gluttony.

Cero is not waiting more than a day for you to overcome it on your own. If you're still sick, or worse, by day two, he's picking you up and forcing his way into a good enough hospital in the surface. He's not waiting in lines, or checking in, or bothering to present documents- He demands to see the best doctor in the premises, and if he's denied, he threatens to start impaling random people in the waiting rooms, by the minute. Everyone is sweating bullets throughout the duration of your stay, as Cero is always present to scrutinize everything each doctor and nurse does. When asked about it, he says you're overreacting about it and he's just there to be sure you won't make a scene.

Livius is, hilariously enough, in as shitty a mood as you are. He's an emotional sponge of a person, so he's going to be as uncomfortable and tired as you are. He's very worried, and less than composed about it, tearing up because humans are so weak. You're going to DIE. You're going to KEEL OVER AND DIE and he doesn't know what he's going to do- He might as well die too!! Please get this man a fucking breather or he will hyperventilate himself into a bed next to you. Your fate is almost entirely on your hands, as Livius will simply freeze and eerily wait for you to tell him what to do. He's very ominous and quiet when you're sick, it's as if his confidence vanishes in the blink of an eye, and he has this vacant look.

#Cero oc #Zizz oc #Rinx oc #Vorticia oc #Vesper oc #Kalymir oc #Livius oc #monsterwhorre

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Man. How did I forget that an entire subplot of Dazai's main story was just. Trying to trap him into having a single conversation with MC like a normal person I'm so akhdjgfkljshgskjd

I just love watching her, Arthur, and Isaac deadass plot with glee to get one over on Dazai it's killing me, this is some Hamlet level shit (no Charles do not stand behind the curtain to kill Dazai coming in the window!!! yamero!!!!!)

Also because I felt personally attacked (/j) when Isaac said this:

I love you Isaac but pls have mercy on creatives we only have one brain cell and we're trying s o hard oTL

Although, and I'll leave it under the cut since I'm back on my Comte-posting, but the way Comte talks about Dazai fascinates me. Also just as fair warning, I do broach a lot of the topics that come up in Dazai rt so trigger warnings for self-harm, suicide, CPTSD and PTSD, trauma, etc. I don't go too too in-depth, but they are there.

Comte: "Dazai is quite skilled at concealing what he's really feeling, even from himself, perhaps."

The way he instantly remarks on how Dazai is not only working to conceal what he feels from others, but also from himself. Tbh I think that's enormously perceptive, because at first glance most people tend to think Dazai is lazy, troublesome, flippant, or erratic (and sometimes, a combination of all of these).

I love that he sees to the core of who Dazai is and what he's feeling; fear. Dazai is afraid of hurting someone again, but I also think on some level he's made it an ontological problem; he's afraid of himself. He thinks his very existence is a negative entity, something that exists only to hurt and/or estrange other people, something wrong/different. I'd argue that's why he's so adamant about mood-making and keeping to himself. If you never express how you truly feel or live true to yourself, on some level you can't entirely reach others. Because fundamentally, being close to other people does require some level of lowered defenses and sharing. Ergo, never dwell too long or give too much of yourself away, never make a mark on anyone--good or bad.

As a side note, Theo calls him "a half-strewn dandelion puff" and I agree that's rather blunt, but on some level Theo operates on a level of utility. His entire operating precept is that life and work must serve a discrete purpose. And Dazai, in choosing to opt out of living with meaning/intent out of fear, makes this description entirely consistent with Theo's perspective of the world. Though his phrasing is harsh and perhaps one-dimensional, I do find it interesting that he comes to a similar conclusion as Comte as to what Dazai is doing.

Comte talks about it with such clarity and calm, he really does feel so parental in this moment. He's not necessarily minimizing the reality of how Dazai is experiencing the world, but he also clearly doesn't agree with Dazai's self-perception. Perhaps most striking to me is how Comte seems to understand that the only threat Dazai poses is to himself...Sometimes it feels like, in the case of conditions like mental illness/depression/etc. people are so eager to assume ill will of a person. This is only exponentially compounded if they prove to have striking intelligence and strategic capacity, the same way Dazai does. I guess I can't help but appreciate that Comte knows the difference between strong and scared, and even how the lines between the two can and often do blur (perhaps best exemplified in his relationships with Jeanne and Dazai).

(Side note: I forgot which event it was but, one time when Dazai was homesick for cherry blossom watching, Comte had the entire house filled with flowers to cheer him up [insert ugly sobbing]).

For someone so enigmatic, evasive, and distant, Comte still notices instantly that Dazai is much, much happier with MC. I suppose it makes me wonder if Comte knew all along that Dazai's real wish was to be accepted and loved as he was, but kept quiet out of respect for his privacy. I would offer too that sometimes people need to realize these things on their own for the information to have value.

But what really gets my ass is what Comte says right after:

This is my bread and butter (so is he but that's not the point of this particular TED talk). In the last few years I've done a lot of exploratory work on how trauma is mapped both internally but also visibly on the body. What I think is engaging here is that, while it could be read on a surface level as "body language gives people's true intentions away" I don't think that's quite what he's getting at. Or perhaps better phrased, it's an oversimplification. I don't think it's that body language can't communicate real and important information about people's lives. Rather, that people associate rigid and absolutist interpretations to singular mannerisms, which does a disservice to both parties. Nobody can know a person at a glance; to say that you do reduces the lived reality of the opposite party.

Comte gives simple examples and couches his words for the context of the moment, but I think that first line is incredibly telling. "But the body is remarkably truthful." It makes me think of how, in moments where Comte is overcome with anxiety as a result of traumatic recurrence, he has acute panic attacks (i.e. shortened breath, racing heart, trembling). How Leonardo's lethargy (i.e. napping on the floor everywhere like the hobo he is) belies the reality of his very real exhaustion, the emotional turmoil that comes with a fraught immortal life.

Dazai's endless struggle with dissociation and self-harm, the way he stood in the rain unmoving at the thought of MC returning home to the modern era. Whether to numb himself from the pain of that grief/loneliness, or perhaps more likely the self-immolation of subjecting himself to the re-enactment of the most harrowing moment of his life. To relive that anguish as a reminder; to abstain from making the same mistake ever again. Jeanne's endless bodily tension, struggles with basic self-care (appears to be interoception-based; reduced signalling of the need to eat/rest/etc.), and self-isolation to cope in a world where only the strong survive. Never safe, always alone, always defensive.

I think, for many people in general but especially people who have been through intense PTSD/CPTSD/etc., it can be hard to express these feelings directly. Whether they are forcibly silenced, ridiculed into self-derision/self-concealment, or are overwhelmed by emotions that are difficult to process--each manifests itself in unconventional ways. It means a lot to me when those phenomena are portrayed so sensitively in written works/media, that they're explored with real intention and narrative subtlety to communicate how hard it is for people who are wounded or simply different (or both, as often is the case).

Addendum:

Even more than that, and this is an observation at the end of Dazai's route, is Comte's open belief that life is something to be cherished. Of course, like any other person he has behaviors he won't abide and people he doesn't feel partial to, but by and large he doesn't take life lightly. Perhaps that's why he doesn't expect Dazai to resort to such measures again, in conjunction with the circumstances of his transition. From an outsider perspective, I could see how Comte might assume Dazai no longer wishes for that if he seemed to regret his initial course of action by seeking resurrection. There is also the implication that Dazai is always at war with himself, and therefore might give contradictory impressions; one moment he wants to live, the next he doesn't. This is precisely what led him to ask Charles for help to subdue his own 'cowardice.' (His terms, not mine. [bonks him]) There is a sizeable subset of s-word survivors who, after recovery, feel that their problems were actually solvable despite their despair in the moment.

Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but I think there's something to be said of Comte feeling such real affection for the mansion boys that he is stricken to find out what Dazai attempted. And perhaps unsurprisingly, very adamant to keep him from ever pursuing such a course of action again. He's incredibly vulnerable about his horror that he might have inflicted something on Dazai that he never wanted in bringing him back, though Dazai comfortably refutes any lack of agency in the situation.

I guess I feel very compelled by the duality inherent in Comte's glass heart, precisely because of how realistic it feels. His greatest strength is his sensitivity, but it's also his greatest weakness in tandem. His genuine care for Dazai--the unwavering belief that his life is valuable and worthy--ends up being the reason he doesn't anticipate Dazai's rather deeply entrenched self-loathing. And to be honest, I'm a bit inclined to agree; looking back on a third reading Dazai feels way too hard on himself. It feels like the young girl's death was more a catalyst for what Dazai was already feeling, than anything. Dazai wanted so badly to have a reason to despise himself (as he already disliked how different and out of place he naturally felt) and with this, his self-reproach could have a viable, rational explanation. A locus outside of his body by which to rationalize his self-hatred. Accident or not becomes irrelevant; he was involved, and thus he is guilty.

He reminds me a lot of that post that was circulating once about how cultish behavior inculcates intelligent people with more devastating pull than one might expect, because intelligent people can more easily and more insistently find ways to desperately rationalize their situation to function in that whirlpool of abuse. Dazai feels like he's in this same such Catch-22, so busy believing he deserves to be scorned (because of how well he hides his perceived abnormalities) that he takes steps to ensure and reinforce it. He wants and needs to see his reality make sense, and if it won't answer his designs he will find a way to make it so.

It fascinates me because Dazai is an incredibly complex example of someone who desires control, but instead of inflicting it with external rapacity, he targets his own internal state. I once heard a Buddhist explain: yes, it is a sign of disturbance to engage with others aggressively and without grace. However, it is also a sign of disturbance when the mind seeks to harm one's own body. Although Dazai's disturbance is not as apparent, it is there. And that's part of what makes him so excruciatingly compelling to me, in a lot of ways he is the manifestation of the Sisyphean suffering of being ill in a quiet way. In enduring and smiling and laughing because you don't want to burden others--or know you're not allowed to--all while you slowly bleed from the inside out.

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp dazai #ikevamp isaac #ikevamp comte #ikevamp theo #ikevamp meta #i love how isaac straight up is like #'man now that you mention it he hasn't been harassing me either' #I S A A C 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 #the way i can't stop laughing. and. AND he really said #'omfg...Dazai writes!? on god????? fr??????' #ICE COLD #ISAAC I SWEAR TO GOD NOBODY ACKNOWLEDGES UR SENSE OF HUMOR ENOUGH AND THAT INCLUDES ME #I BEG UR FORGIVENESS APPLE KING #also is it wrong that like #one side of me is entirely capable of acknowledging the gravity of the situation but the other just #is so close to losing it when MC asks Dazai what his writing is abt #and he unironically says 'the death of a clown' #truly gen z would have loved him its tragic he's not here with us #dazai main story route #minnie mumbles #also 🥺 the way comte spoke of him so fondly #my heart is so tender... #i really do love how sincerely he sees his children for who they are #i also love that no matter how much dazai thinks he's unworthy comte never thinks the same T_T #I routinely cry about that scene at the end where he's like '💢young man you better not do anything like that a g a i n.' #tw suicide #tw self-harm #tw suicidal ideation

[mixelation]

reborn au musing it's about sasori and minato again

so, this is how i think minakushi works: they mutually fell in love when they were like 12/13. the new oneshot implies they weren't like dating-dating as teens, but kushina generally expected minato to be making time to hang out with her personally, and he was obsessing over ways to take care of her, so. they go through several years of mutually mooning over each other, start dating in their late teens, and then get married super young.

in other words, neither of them have even considered dating other people.

and i think kushina might be.... like, she doesn't regret it, but it does occur to her at some point that maybe it would have helped them both as individual people to have at least explored their feelings and preferences with other people. like, they have have both just been mutually obsessed with each for so long, it's hard for both of them to consider their own identities without the other. this isn't necessarily a bad thing-- it's normal for your childhood friend turned spouse to be an integral part of who you are!-- and obviously their relationship is good and they're both well-adjusted people with a happy home life. but she does kind of wonder sometimes.....

so around her mid-twenties kushina does sometimes consider talking to minato about an open relationship. however, she knows that he might do this thing he does to her sometimes where he agrees to something he doesn't like to make her happy, and then he gets Weird about it. they've talked about how he does it, and he's aware of it and working on it, but kushina is pretty sure if she even brings it up he'll get Weird on her.

(kushina is having visions of her going on a date with someone and then they come home and the goddamn yellow flash is on their couch but then he just. cries)

then minato has a horrible realization he thinks sasori of the red sand, of all people, is hot. and he gets so upset about it, because is this CHEATING??? and kushina is like. holy SHIT i should have talked to him about this years ago. like she kind of assumed minato at least privately had thoughts like "oh, this actress is hot" or "man katsuki's arms look nice in those guards" like.... like most people do??? but no. he's just had kushina vision this whole time

kushina: it's very sweet. however. also. you are a moron

so she wants to bring up the open relationship idea again, but also just thinking about sasori makes minato tear up. so she's like okay. you need to explore these feelings. please try engaging in fiction with the idea that it's there for you to explore feelings without actually involving yourself in the thing. it's not disloyalty to me to ideally fantasize about being the POV character fictional!sasori is seducing in this weird light novel tori has

and actually it's NOT fair to kushina she has to manage minato's weird emotional turmoil like this. so she's like. fuck. minato, what if we asked sasori to date us?

i have not yet decided how sasori would respond to this proposition. i'm toying with the idea that kushina HAS bumped into sasori a handfull of times because she follows up potential leads of Uzumaki diaspora from Jiraiya, and a lot of them just turn out to be Sasori (red hair + witnessed using seals). i don't think he'd like kushina's personality much, but i think he'd want minato for his body and he'd be intrigued by the idea of easy access to team 4.

team 4 of course would all lose their minds in completely different ways

#reborn au #me: yeah let's just pitch WILD CRACK #this is would be horrible for international politics btw #also i don't think they'd let him meet naruto LMAO

[a-little-revolution]

I have a weird dilemma if you have the time. A while back I went on a tinder date with a guy who had a TBI from surgery as a teenager. He didn't tell me beforehand, so when we met up irl and I found out that his TBI meant he'd never really dated before, I felt really under pressure, so we've decided to be friends BC he's a lovely dude and we have a ton in common, I just would feel anxious being a guy's first gf. I'm now in the talking stage with a guy with dwarfism, neither of us have brought it up, and this is about when I bring up my mental health issues so I can weed out men who would be shitty about it. I have zero issues dating him, he seems nice, but I've never been on a date or anything with a little person before. I'm not sure how to approach the "I'm mentally ill" thing with a guy with his own disability, do you have any advice? Dating has been hard for me because of my disability (had a few exes, recently left a 1.5 year relationship), so I imagine it's probably also been hard for him too. He's 23, I'm 24, and I just don't want to end up in a situation where I'm a guy's first gf again, BC I was my (autistic) ex bfs first gf and it was a mess, and it's too much pressure for me, but I also don't wanna make him uncomfortable or feel talked down to

Hello!

If being someone's first girlfriend is something you're not comfortable with, I would lay that out as your reason for being apprehensive - whether your potential partner is disabled or not, I feel like that's a pretty fair boundary with your history. Is it that you're assuming that your their first because they're disabled? Or have they brought up the subject to you?

When it comes to your potential LP partner, I would simply say "may I ask you some questions about your dwarfism?" and go from there. In my experience as someone with dwarfism, it's only been an awkward/taboo subject for other people.

When I'm building new connections, I look for people who aren't afraid to talk about disability - who want to know more, and who normalize my dwarfism as simply another thing about me. So ask him what his needs are, get to know him, learn from him.

Also if he has a problem with your mental illness to hell with him lol

-Elliot (they/them)

#asks #dwarfism and dating #dwarfism