#he put them together now he has to deal with the homosexual consequences

[eemoo1o-animoo]

For such a homophobe, Ciel sure as hell hasn’t made very straight decisions (bard & lau and mey rin & ran mao)

#he put them together now he has to deal with the homosexual consequences #there is gay juice on his desk and it’s highly contagious sebastian #black butler #kuroshitsuji #ciel phantomhive #blue revenge arc #original post #shitpost #scheduled post

[nerdygaymormon]

I found this article by Nathan Kitchen, president of Affirmation, to be very compelling. 

He identifies 4 generations of gay Mormons that have existed over the past 70 years. Until about 10 or 15 years ago, the Church viewed all LGBT members as having some sort of homosexual feelings that confused gender roles. Consequently, the discussion of generations is going to focus on the treatment of gay members.  

The differences in the generations comes from the Church changing what it asks of the gay member and how it manages the existence of this group in the Church. When current practices are no longer considered acceptable to parents and others, the Church changes, thus creating the next generation. 

Each generation has a different experience with the Church’s prejudice, harassment, and discrimination. 

Nathan doesn’t identify years for each generation, and there aren’t clean breaks between one generation and the next, they bleed into each other, but I’ll put my rough estimate for each generation.

————————————————————

1st Generation (1950~1980) - The Church believed anyone could develop gay feelings and attractions, these were sinful and Church required complete rejection of these attractions. Failure to completely erase these feelings was grounds for discipline and expulsion. The church schools and most LDS families would also eject the queer person from their midst, they feared the spread of these attractions to others. Attempts to remove these “tendencies” included electro-shock therapy at BYU. Spencer W. Kimball’s book the Miracle of Forgiveness dominated Church thinking on queer topics in the era.

This is the generation that spans the most decades and consequently is the largest generation of queer Saints. This generation was taught their attractions could change if they wanted it bad enough. The violence and hostility against these individuals caused a great deal of trauma and many perished. After breaking these people, the Church washed its hands of them by ejecting them from membership, therefore removing the need to deal with the consequences of its actions in those lives.

2nd Generation (1980~2000) - Rather than insist on complete erasure of homosexual feelings (the church thought all queer identities came down to homosexuality), it employed the idea of secrecy and to act like heterosexuals. This is the invisible generation because their bishops told them to never tell anyone else. This group felt isolated and alone, hidden from other members and each other. This invisibility allowed other members to believe there were no gay people in the Church, certainly not in their congregation. This generation was encouraged to enter mixed-orientation marriages, have kids and live like a straight person and everything would be alright. If it didn’t work out, then you weren’t strong enough.

These members served in Young Women’s, as bishops, Relief Society presidencies, on the High Council, and so on. Some of them still exist in the Church, hidden from everyone because the cost of coming out is so high and the shame they have about their attractions (the Church didn’t distinguish much between feelings and actions, so these people feel bad for things they’ve never done). Every so often, we’ll hear about a former mission president or stake president who finally comes out after decades of living as a straight person.

Most of the mixed-orientation marriages failed, the queer person eventually spoke their truth, picked up the pieces of their shattered dreams, and moved on. When it became clear that a straight marriage with a straight spouse didn’t fix them, the Church moved on, usually offering support to the divorced straight spouse and rejecting the queer spouse. 

3rd Generation (2000~2015) - The Church decided gay thoughts aren’t a problem, but gay actions are. The Church encouraged people to use the term “same-sex attraction (SSA)” as a way to avoid queer identities that’s don’t fit in the Church’s view of God’s Plan. Basically, we’re all straight people and some of us are struggling with unwanted attractions. SSA was compared to addictions. Queer people no longer had to remain hidden, so they found each other and attended conferences together and encouraged each other. Members would admire you for your wrestle against SSA.

Being unable to ‘overcome’ their SSA was distressing. Although the Church no longer officially endorsed mixed-orientation marriages, many local leaders still encouraged these but with full disclosure to the straight spouse, even though these couples don’t really understand what they’re signing up for. Many queer people turned to conversion therapy to change (usually not knowing there was no evidence these programs worked or were even based in proven techniques or methods, and resulted in higher suicide rates & mental health issues). 

Because they were trying to make this path work and were admired for it, these queer members mostly didn’t share their struggles & mental health challenges with their family, friends, or other members. Unlike the 2nd generation, they were visible, but largely were kept silent. A generation seen but not heard. 

4th Generation (2015~present) - Instead of being required to change their orientation, or keep it secret, or to nobly struggle against their inner core, today’s generation is told it’s okay to identify as gay, lesbian and bisexual. There’s nothing wrong with your attractions. We want you at church, there’s a place for you here. You belong. We celebrate you by sharing videos and publishing books about single, celibate members who are gay and bi. We reject conversion therapy, no violence, no denying identities, no encouraging mixed-orientation marriages. We celebrate you...as long as you are single & celibate. 

We have many gay couples who think they’re loved enough and belong enough that they attend church together, they sit together, they’re dating and things seem okay. Once they marry, the swiftness & ferocity with which their leaders take action against them is stunning. The couple finds the warm, fuzzy messages of belonging actually hide a structure that’s still as prejudiced and discriminatory as the past. What is their place in the Church...they’re allowed to attend as visitors.

This approach held onto a lot of families, but increasingly it’s not enough. As the queer child grows up and becomes interested in love and relationships, church no longer works. And if church is not welcoming and affirming of their queer child, more and more entire families exit with them. Generation Z grew up with queer friends and many cite the Church’s treatment of LGBTQIA+ people as a reason they are leaving the Church.

————————————————————

As society changes and becomes more accepting, the Church has to change how it treats its queer members. What was acceptable in the 1970′s is now looked at with horror and revulsion. Today’s parents would never subject their child to electrical shocks or induced nausea, how barbaric.

The changes the Church has made is in how it treats the gay member, not in how it views them nor in what it preaches about them. They’re still absent from God’s Plan, or as I prefer to put it, absent from the Church’s version of God’s Plan. Because the Church has not substantially changed how it views queer people, it’s going to continue to find how it treats queer people will fail. 

The Church treats queer members far better than it did in the past, but until it actually embraces queer members, listens to their voices and what they want, the Church will adjust, and adjust again. Not hating us is not enough, the Church must learn to love us. 

#nathan kitchen #long post

[james-rowan]

Here’s my (very late, sorry 😓) contribution to the @dualrainbow Pride event. Thank you To_Dragons for helping me edit.

Ships: Montagne/Blitz, Lion/Doc, Valkyrie/Finka and Castle/Maverick

The Pride Festival

The Austin Texas Pride Festival was held on a hot, sunny afternoon, and it smelled of fair food, sunscreen and energy. It was colorful, and bright, mrainbows everywhere, adorning stalls, signs and, of course, people.

To the European operators who had been to Pride events before, it was not only loud, but bold. From the outfits, that ranged from simple rainbow wristbands to full on outrageous outfits (or just a jockstrap), to the signs and stalls and performance stages. Couples were embracing, kissing and making out openly and passionately, without shame or guilt, not only couples but the rare poly groups, finally able to carry on with open affections and taking full advantage. The atmosphere was infectious. It had already claimed Maverick and Castle, who walked very close to each other -despite the heat- hands in each other’s back pockets. They also were very unrestrained with the kissing.

And Montagne thought that he and Blitz could be overly affectionate. But then he was still waiting for his lover to meet them there. He had flown out on his own specifically for this.

Their group included the aforementioned Castle and Maverick, Valkyrie, Finka, himself, Lion and Doc.

They had traveled from Fort Polk, Louisiana, where they, that being the FBI SWAT, SEALs and GIGN, and one tagalong (at her vehement request) Finka, were doing training with the U.S. Army rangers stationed there. After two weeks of a field exercise in muggy swamplands, their Pride group had been excited to go somewhere dry, but unfortunately Houston did not live up to the Texas desert stereotypes; it was almost as humid as Fort Polk. But at least here there was civilization. And Montagne himself was excited to finally see Blitz.

“Schatz!”

Speaking of whom, he was charging at them, looking very much the part of a Pride attendee. He caught his lover in his arms, swinging him around once, despite the soreness from training, then dipped him into a deep kiss. that gained the awe and cheers of not only from some in their own group, but several onlooking strangers as well.

When they finally parted , Lion muttered, “They’re acting like they haven’t seen each other in a year.”

The couple ignored him as Blitz held Monty out in arms length to appraise his outfit. He tutted, “Not to live up to the stereotype, Schatz, but what are you wearing?”

Montagne looked down at himself. He was wearing a lightweight button down with rolled up sleeves, dark trousers and shined shoes, nothing offensive, if a bit formal compared to everyone else, but the reason was important.

Blitz himself was dressed the complete opposite, wearing a loose stringer tanktop that exposed his toned shoulders and even his pecs when he moved just right. Jean cutoff shorts, sneakers with colorful laces, large sunglasses, a backwards ball cap, wristbands: every article of clothing was either rainbow colored, or had an inclusive pride flag adorning it.

“Euh… what’s wrong with it?

“If it were any other day, nothing,” Blitz said. “You look sharp and sexy as ever. But this is Pride, American Pride, ja? Look around.”

Almost everyone was wearing Pride merchandise, had flags draped on their shoulders, or had face paint of various LGBTQ+ symbols, from obvious t more subtle. The bolder were the ones wearing much more and the even bolder much less.

Blitz grabbed his hand, “Come, we’re fixing this.”

“Aren’t we a little old for…”

“Psst, nein. This will be fun, ja? To dress up as we please, get swept up in the atmosphere.”

“We can already dress as we please.”

“I mean colorful, and silly, no fashion rules to hold us back. Come on!”

With that Blitz dragged him off, leaving the rest in their wake.

~

“Well,” Finka chuckled. “Hi to you too, Elias.”

“Those two are disgusting,” Lion snickered. “How long have they been together? A year?”

“Two,” Finka said. “With no signs of slowing down.”

“Their honeymoon phase is going to last forever at this rate,” Valkyrie said.

“That explains why Gilles is going to…” Lion stopped himself, eyes wide.

“What is Gilles going to do?” Valkyrie was now very interested.

“Olivier, you wanted to show me something?” Doc, the amazing man he was, quickly interjected.

Had it been a few months ago, Lion would have been confused, but now Doc had bailed him out enough times during conversations that he immediately went, “Ah right, this way.”

“We’ll go with you,” Valkyrie smirked.

“Non, non, it's private,” Lion said.

“The good Catholic boy he is, he cannot share,” he said, steering Lion away before he could reveal too much.

Out of earshot, Lion mumbled, “How can you be nice while mocking me at the same time?” Lion was a bit prickly at the Catholic comment. It has always been a point of mockery for people outside the church.

“I could ask you the same. You have quite the talent for it. Far more than I can hope to achieve.”

“Most of the time I don’t mean to.”

“I know.” Doc’s tone softened into a reassuring one, giving his side a squeeze. “Otherwise we wouldn’t have found common ground, mon coeur,” he said. “People also tend not to question when a Catholic needs to do private things, no? With Islam it works quite well.”

Lion took a deep breath, but understood. It was nothing malicious. “Thank you. I didn’t want to be the one to fuck that all up.”

It had taken years to come to a mutual understanding, let alone to find a way to deal with their mutual attraction to one another. It was a rocky, long road, but here they were. Lion hoped one day they would be exactly like Blitz and Montagne, or even just Castle and Maverick.

Lion brushed his forefinger against Doc’s hand, tentatively seeking to hold it. Their relationship was so new, so fragile, like a baby bird or sugar glass, too easy to hurt or shatter. A hundred things, even things gentle or nice, could ruin a relationship, if you looked into it. And considering their history, before they got together… where just one off hand remark would destroy a truce they had established between each other, setting them at each other's throats once again. Lion never wanted to go back to those times. He’d do anything to keep it from degrading back.

Doc immediately took hold of his hand, as if he had been waiting to do so all day, giving a loving squeeze.

Warmth flooded Lion, he felt a giant stupid grin spreading across his face. It was almost too much, as he felt pricks in his eyes, as he squeezed back. He glanced sideways at Doc, finding him gently smiling, mellow as always when he was content. He wanted nothing more than to sweep him up and kiss him fiercely, but maybe then it’d be too much. He’d settle for this for now.

After browsing a couple stalls, he remembered something. What did the relationship advice he found on that one website say? That he should always seek to compliment and let someone know how much their actions mean to him, so he rubbed the back of his neck, trying to find the right words.

“You know,” Lion said, barely able to be heard over the crowd. “I’m so glad you’re willing to hold my hand.”

“Willing? I want to,” Doc corrected, bringing it to his lips and kissing his knuckles.

Lion smile only grew wider, and he had to look away as red creeped from his ears to his cheeks now. “J’taime.”

“J’taime.”

The warm fuzzy feeling in his chest threatened to burst, helped along by with the anxiety, the pervasive fear that this was about to be ripped from him at any moment.

They grabbed something to eat and sat down on a bench. If American food was considered greasy, their fair food was simply lard on a plate, with maybe some sugar or ketchup for seasoning. They commented on this to each other, when something caught Lion’s eye. There were older women and a couple of men wearing t-shirts, that said “free mom hugs.” (the men’s shirts said ‘dad’) As implied, they hugged everyone who came up to them. Some hugs were light and quick, and some deep and heartfelt, lasting many minutes. Lion’s eyes followed one of them until he came upon a group of them, holding signs, the same message written on them.

“Is that what I think?”

“Hmm?” Doc looked up. “Ah, probably. Hold on.”

To Lion's horror, his fellow frenchman asked a nearby American who they were; the man explaining with a bright smile that they were a charity organization that helped LGBTQ+ youth, and they gave out hugs - of course -, for any who had been rejected by their families for their sexuality.

Small talk ensued, in which Lion was only half-participating in as he ate, and when the man finally left, Doc nudged his side.

“You’ve been glancing at them this whole time. Go on, go talk to them.”

“I don’t need a hug.”

Doc tsked, “That’s a lie.”

“Huh?”

“If anyone needs a hug from a father figure, it is you, no?”

“I…” Lion paused then shook his head. “No, I’m over it, I put it behind me. It happened over a decade ago, after all.”

Doc raised an eyebrow, one of his infuriatingly knowing smiles tugging at his lips.

“They are for this who were disowned for being homosexual, Gustave. I was not...”

“And your father would have accepted you being with another man? Or is it only teens getting their girlfriends pregnant that he takes moral issue with?”

Lion didn’t have an answer for him. Well he did, just not a verbal one. There were so many reasons his father wanted nothing to do with him.

“I’m over it,” he repeated, but this time with less conviction.

“Then it would be of no consequence,” Doc said, squeezing his hand. “Go on.”

It was an awkward walk to approach them. He had to remind himself he was a soldier, he had faced death multiple times, fought against some of the most dangerous people in the world and this- This was just a civilian man at a pride event. Much older than him, sure, with a kind face and beard. But he realized as his step grew increasing hesitant that it wasn’t the human he was afraid of, but his soul, and what it could do to his own with just a few brash words.

What was he even going to say? “Hey I saw your sign, my dad hates me, can I get a hug?” That was ridiculous. Maybe lean into the role this man was offering to play, “Sorry dad, I was a fuck up, I can't change?" Or… "sorry you were not capable of loving me the way I am?" Both sounded completely rude to say to a stranger.

But as he approached, the older man met his eye, and there was no need for questions, nor words. The dad only smiled at him and opened his arms.

Lion found himself in the other man’s embrace before he even realized, hugging him as if his life depended on it. The older man matched his energy, a hand on the back of his head as if Lion really was his own child. Time seemed to stretch on and on; Lion had been anticipating a quick hug, just a little taste of what he got so envious of every time he saw someone have a loving moment with their parent, but no, his body refused to let go and so did this stranger. This stranger who held onto him with a fatherly patience Lion once thought only existed in fantasy.

The lump growing in his throat ached. He tried swallowing it down, but it only made it worse.

He shouldn’t have done this. He thought he was over it, yet it hurt, it hurt so fucking much…!

He wanted to run, he wanted to stay, he wanted…

“It’s alright to cry,” the man whispered. “I got you.”

“My real father disowned me.” Lion wasn’t proud of how strangled his voice sounded, or how he let some tears escape.

“I’m so sorry, son,” the man replied, rubbing his back gently. “You didn’t deserve that.”

“I did.”

“No, you didn’t. Nobody does.”

“I never could give him a reason to love me.”

“Children don’t need to give a reason. They’re supposed to be loved by their parents, no matter what mistakes they made, real or imagined. You deserve to be loved.”

Lion was biting the inside of his cheek, trying to will away the need to sob. This was a happy moment, a validating moment, with kind words, and warmth, why did it hurt so much then? His fingers clutched at the man’s shirt, as he gently rocked them. It didn’t feel infantilizing, it felt relieving, needed, like a hole finally being filled.

“You can cry, you know,” the man whispered again. “Emotions are made to be expressed. You don’t have to be strong, not here, not with me. I know you’re hurting, Don’t worry, I’m here.”

A choked sob escaped, and Lion pressed his face into the man's shoulder. “There you go, let it out, I’m proud of you.”

There was no coming back from that. He broke down, and it was ugly.

Lion sobbed into his arms, all rsesemblance of control disappearing, but the father held him through it all. It lasted way longer than Lion thought possible, but they eventually subsided, and he was still being held as he calmed down. When he felt strong enough to break the embrace, he was met with a gentle, fatherly smile.

“Do you feel better?”

“Oui.. yes, thank you,” he wiped his face with his own shirt. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” the manhe said. “I’m just doing what fathers were meant to do.”

“Merci.”

They talked for a little while after. About what happened with his father, his family, himself. The cynical side of him expected them to reveal their ulterior motive, asking him for charity donations, to attend a church service, or even a cult, but they didn’t offer him any flyers or business cards, just warm words... water and tissues. At least he wasn’t the first grown man to cry like this in their arms. They were genuinely good people.

Doc had been waiting patiently for him on the bench, and stood up to embrace him and kiss his cheek upon his return. “How do you feel?”

“Drained,” he said. Then he added, “Relieved. I guess you were…” he caught himself. “No, you were completely right.”

“I’m glad you went then, mon coeur.”

Lion needed a smoke. Before got to know him, Lion would have assumed the doctor was too high and mighty for a nicotine fix, but then found out he was a man in a high stress job like the rest of them, and didn’t judge. Except on the mandatory substance abuse powerpoints they all had to sit through every few months.

He lit up, drawing the smoke in and letting it mellow him out. Every so often he would think back and a few more tears would leak out.

He wiped his eyes with his thumb. “You know why I was so happy that you took my hand?”

“Non,” Doc said, rubbing his back. “But please tell me.”

“I was at the store with my mother and father,” he said. “I was just following along, and I see my mother offer her hand to hold, you know, this gesture…”

He made it. Doc patiently nodded.

“Well I was nearest to her, I think. I was so happy, I remember feeling loved, all warm, because my mama wanted to hold my hand.”

He paused, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Go on, I’m listening.”

Lion took a deep breath. His voice shuddered, “She let go, non.. she threw my hand away from her, in utter disgust. As if I were disgusting. She snapped, ‘I don’t want your hand.’”

Lion ducked his head. “It was a small thing, yes, but it hurt, it hurt so much. Turned out she wanted my father’s hand, not her son’s, not mine.”

It was a few beats later before Doc said, “How old were you?”

“Four, maybe five,” Lion said. “I hate that feeling, those moments where you finally feel happy and loved, and the next second someone shatters it completely. Despair is a good word for it, I think.”

“How often did these types of things happen?”

“Plenty, I was a disgusting child, after all.”

“No,” Doc said. “She was just… cruel.”

Lion huffed, not a wry laugh, just disbelieving. “You’re not going to tell me that she tried her best?”

“Did she?”

“I… I don’t know…”

“Then I think not,” Doc said softly, cupping Lion’s cheek. He leaned into the warmth.

"I still get this horrible… fear when I want to take someone’s hand, or show any affection. So I usually don’t.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you, mon cher. And if I ever make you feel the way your mother did, I want you to tell me.”

Lion nodded, looking down, not entirely sure if he would. Doc tilted his head back up. “Hey, I mean it.”

Lion took his hand and almost went for a kiss, but the deep moment was interrupted by Blitz and Monty approaching. Lion quickly turned away so neither of the two could see his red puffy eyes, but he did see Monty was wearing a stringer tanktop, tie dyed rainbow, and adorned with rainbows in body paint and a look of subdued embarrassment any time Elias had his back turned. Blitz was going a bit overboard on this look.

“Have you seen Meghan?” Blitz said, “unless you have a bag?”

Doc pointed them into the right direction, as Lion quickly drank his water.

“Olivier, are you okay?”

“He just needs some alone time with me,” Doc saved him. Again.

The pair offered their sympathies to Lion (much to his annoyance) and wandered off to find the two women.

“Don’t you ever dress me up that garishly,” Lion snickered.

“Please, mon coeur, I have taste,” Doc said, before grabbing his knee and squeezing, voice now whispering in his ear. “Besides, I prefer you out of your clothes.”

He nipped his earlobe before Lion could exasperate out his name, earning a yelp instead.

Any semblance of protocol melted into genuine, unmasked joy just to be in each other’s company, in a welcoming space where they could be open about themselves Gustave himself was intent on kissing his lover better.

~

Finka and Valkyrie had been watching a stage performance when Blitz appeared at Valkyrie’s side, grinning, as usual, and... now covered in glitter?

“Meghan, can we borrow your purse?”

“Huh?”

“I don’t want to have to carry around Gilles’s shirt all day.”

Valkyrie turned fully to see Montagne, who had trailed in after him, no longer wearing his tasteful, understated ensemble, but had been attacked by rainbows and what looked to be the same shimmer bomb that Blitz must have been caught in.

“No, you’re going to get glitter in it,” Valkyrie frowned.

“Please? I’ll clean it out for you myself.”

“Glitter?” Finka said, turning around. “We have to ride back with your boyfriend, and you wore glitt-”

Finka must have caught sight of Montagne’s giant pecs escaping the too small, flimsy shirt, because she turned bright red and turned back to stare very intently at the performer.

All Valkyrie herself could think was ’damn Montagne is strong and it shows’, but that was it, of course. Her girlfriend however was bi, with a particular weakness for large people with muscles.

“Och, I almost forgot,” Blitz said cheekily. “You have any sunscreen? Gilles wasn’t prepared for this outfit.”

“I don’t think any of us were prepared,” Finka snipped, still keeping Montagne out of her line of sight. She pulled out a sunblock bottle from her cargo pocket and tossed it over.

“You alright there, Lera?” Blitz asked as he caught it.

“I’m fine, it's just hot,” she replied, still avoiding eye contact, “The weather, I mean.”

Blitz grinned, “He is hot, isn’t he?”

“Mon cher…” Montagne groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just…”

Meghan clapped her hands, “Okay, go away, go be gay somewhere else. We have enough that of our own over here.”

Blitz ignored her, looking at Finka with a grin, “What do you think of us getting temporary hair color? I was thinking of dyeing our hair rainbow.”

“Well, you’ve gone this far,” Finka said, pointedly staring at Blitz’s eyes. “Might as well go full golubok.”

“Hah, ja, I like the way you think, I…”

“Here,” Meghan said, grabbing Gilles’s shirt from Blitz’s hands and stuffing it into her purse. “Go dye your hair now. Go on.”

“Alright, all right.” Blitz grinned, holding up his hands and going. Montagne sighed deeply, a twitch working its way through his cheek before following. Odd, but not her problem. She had someone much more important to worry about.

“You’re into muscles, huh?”

“You know I am,” Finka said sheepishly. “Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting that.”

Valkyrie laughed, “It’s fine, he got great boobs.” That caused Finka to snort. “You know, for a man.”

Finka laughed longer than she expected, but it was always nice when her girlfriend had one of her genuine laughs.

“It's always nice to see real muscles,” Finka said. “Real ones, from being big and strong, and healthy.”

“Oh, you mean some like mine?” She flexed, tattooed arms positively sexy as the bulged.

Finka’s eyes got a hungry glunt to them, she put her hands on Valkyrie’s arms, feeling the solidness beneath her fingers, “Yes, just like that.”

Finka kissed her girlfriend long and deep, and Valkyrie relished being able to do so in the open, without the anxiety of having some bigot laying eyes on them and causing a scene. It was annoying enough to deal with the old people (and the occasional man similarly aged man) she had never met before tsk at her for daring to have tattoos and being too buff, saying she was too pretty to mark herself up like that and ask how she was ever going to find a man looking like that. She had already broke the glass ceiling for women in something as prestigious and hardcore as the Navy fucking SEALs, but there were still so many in American society that were convinced that women existed to look pleasant to men, regardless of if said women even wanted a pet man or not.

The kiss was broken when Finka’s wristwatch timer went off, and her girlfriend quickly drank from her water bottle. It was such a practiced motion, Valkyrie wasn’t entirely convinced Lera was aware she was doing it, and it made her heart ache. When she was finished, she wrapped her arm around her shoulders, pressing a kiss to her temple.

Later they were browsing stalls, and Finka gravitated towards one that was selling pride flags and shirts, not only the standard colors for each identity group, but also the ones that represented multiple identities within the same flag. Finka fingered a nonbinary one with a heart in the bisexual colors on its center. Interesting choice.

“I’d love to see you wear one of these, babe.”

Finka smiled, but shook her head, “I don’t know…”

“Come on, I’m not trying to pull a Blitz on you, I’ll wear one with you.”

“And what am I going to do with it afterwards?”

“Keep it? We’re not in Russia, our base is in Greece, basically its own sovereign territory.”

“When you went through SEALs, there were dissenters that tried to prove your were lesbian so they could get you removed from the program, didn’t they?”

Valkyrie shrugged, “Yeah, but they failed.”

“The last thing that the Russian government wants is one of it most elite spetsnaz operatives in an international effort to be homosexual,” Finka explained. “Its not illegal, yet, but my existence could be considered ‘propaganda.’ I might not just be removed from Rainbow, or Spetsnaz, or the Russian military, I could be jailed.

“Ah.”

“You know what Russian prison is like? I might be able to survive the system if I wasn’t sick, but I am diseased. They’d deny me my medication, not let me stay hydrated or fed or exercised and I’ll...”

“Hey, hey,” Meghan said, quickly drawing Lera into a hug. “I’m sorry, it was just a silly idea.”

“I’m…” she took a deep breath then nodded. “Thank you.”

Meghan kissed her forehead, holding her hands. Lera usually had to be stressed, well, more stressed than usual, to go on such a downward spiral so quickly. Being at such a Pride event, probably, if anyone found out. Finka didn’t believe her own Rainbow Spetsnaz brothers to out her, they were too close, but it was still risky.

“The Soviet Union used to accept openly gay people, did you know that?”

Valkyrie shook her head.

“Not a lot of people do, even in Russia. It was the early years, of course, but they gave gays rights they never had before. But then, of course, the Soviets needed more bodies. Bodies for war, and bodies for work, and of course, they believed gays were the reason that their population wasn’t pumping out babies at a fast enough rate.”

“Oh.”

“It all comes down to child production, doesn’t it? You know this.”

“Unfortunately I do,” Valkyrie said. “Not even just governments but families too. When my grandma found out I was lesbian, she sobbed, crying about how she won’t have any grandbabies from my father’s line. Then she blamed my father for raising me too military, while blaming my mother for letting me compete in high level sports.” She adopted a shrill, tottering grandma voice, ‘Sports always turns girls into dykes. I wanted greatgrandbabies from every child! But you made her want to turn into a boy!”

“Blin.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“My own parents alway knew I would like girls,” she said. “Enough to be surprised and confused when I brought home boyfriends that I was genuinely happy with. They cited my, uh, how you call it, boyishness? Well, I never felt comfortable in the woman’s role and they, knowing what my siblings and I had…, they didn’t really feel a need to pressure us to do anything but stay as healthy and active as possible.”

Meghan slowly began to realize this was turning into much more than a simple sharing of stories, and squeezed her hands in support.

“I never liked being…. I don’t know how to put this. I didn’t like the gendered language used for me. And I never felt when people were talking about women, they were talking about to me as well. Just as I thought the rules and expectations boys are taught growing up applied to me as well. You know, don’t cry, be tough, treat women with respect, fight those who try to push you around. Then I learned of this new concept a couple years ago, someone could be neither. I laughed at it at first but...”

“Lera…” Valkyrie said softly, with a loving smile. “Do you want me to use they/them for you?”

Her… their eyes lit up. “Would you? I mean, I’m not sure just yet, but I would like to try them out. “Non pun intended?”

“Hmm? Oh yes,” they were positively beaming. They were so beautiful.

“Just to see. I mean, I still have to use she and her at work but, just in private.”

“Of course, babe.”

Valkyrie cupped their face and kissed them deeply.

She ended up buying Finka something, a silver bracelet in the colored stones in the nonbinary colors as the setting. Something simple and discreet yet powerful where it mattered.

~~

Montagne had texted the couples to be on their way back to the group when Blitz finally realized he wasn’t just looking like a rainbow, but rather a discontented victim of a rainbow being sick.

“What’s wrong, Schatz?”

The giant man sighed, folding his arms over his chest.

“So… there is something wrong…?”

“If it were any other day, I wouldn’t have minded, but today…”

“Where else could you do this…?”

“It is not the location, it is the look!” he gestured down at himself. “The timing of it!”

“I don’t understand… ok, ja, I can see why I might have gotten a little carried away.”

Montagne raised a glitter encrusted eyebrow.

“Ok, completely carried away.”

“Mmm.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It is not the fun you were having that I have a problem with, I am used to your antics.”

Blitz went pink, and bashful. Like a puppy being scolded.

“And you know I love your antics, ge added quickly. But why of all days,” Gilles trailed off, pinching the bridge of his nose, and very nearly getting glitter in his eyes.

“Because… its Pride…”

“Yes, you’ve been saying this the whole time.”

“We can go wash it all off, I’m sorry,” Elias said, crestfallen as he moved past him towards the bathrooms.

Montagne caught him around the chest with his arm just as the rest of the group returned, “Non, it's fine… its fine. Perfection is not needed.”

He saw Doc and Loon quickly fumble for their phones, thankfully behind Blitz’s back. Once they nodded, he guided Blitz back to in front of him. “These past few years I’ve known you, you’ve done nothing but make me happy. Your antics, your jokes, your dedication, your downright sweetness, even the way you tap your helmet during exercises. Even before we started seeing each other, your smile would light up my heart and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Gilles…”

Gilles sank to one knee, pulling out a shining wedding ring from his pocket.

“Will you marry me?”

Elias had clapped his hands over his mouth, unable to process this. Their group, except for the GIGN of course, were surprised and estatic. Valkyrie even exclaimed “So that’s what you French bastards were hiding.”

Blitz still hadn’t answered, his eyes shining.

“Elias?”

“Ja! Natürlich sage ich ja, du großer Dummkopf!”

“I assume that's a…”

Blitz very nearly bowled him over to give him his acceptance kiss. He lifted him up as he stood, Elias straddling his hips and swung them around, a dazzling display as the glitter caught the sunshine.

“I’m sorry I got irritated, I just wanted this to go a certain way,” he breathed when their lips parted.

“Schatz, you could have proposed to me covered in mud and sweat.”

“I know,” he said. “But I still wanted to make an effort. I wanted to do it right.”

“You did,” he said. “Look at you, covered in rainbows, just to make me happy, ja?

“Mmm,” he said as Elias lowered himself back to the ground.

Blitz understood now. Gilles was a traditional romantic after all, wanting the candlelit dinners and picnics at the parks on Sundays. He wanted that to extend to his proposal but Blitz was too excited to have silly fun to notice.

“Hey,” he said. Despite the heat they couldn’t stop embracing. “I love you, you know that?”

“I love you too.”

“If you want,” he whispered. “We can still have your perfect proposal night.”

“Two proposals?”

“Ja, why not? I’ll still be excited.”

Gilles gave it a thought. “I’ll have to make things more romantic between us,” he murmured. “Just to throw you off so you don’t know when its coming.”

“Oooh,” Blitz said, draping his arms over Gilles’s shoulders. “I like the sound of that.”

They dazzled them with another sweeping, showstopping dipped kiss, because of course they did.

“I agree with Lion,” Finka laughed with a grin. “You two are disgusting.”

Blitz laughed into Gilles’s mouth, and flipped her off without looking away.

“Great, now those two set the standard for romantic proposals,” Maverick said.

“Does that mean we’re going to be competing now?” Castle said, perking up.

“I’ll win,” Valkyrie declared. “The rest of you might as well quit now..”

“Pfft, nah, man, if anyone’s winning that it's me.”

“You know, we French have romance in our blood,” Lion said. “I wouldn’t even have to try and I’d win.”

While they dissolved into bickering, the silent ones of their pairs all shared a look, realizing at once what their partners had implied.

Blitz and Monty still had yet to look up from their glitter makeout, oblivious to what they had just started.

#rainbow #rainbow 6 seige #rainbow 6 #dualrainbow #montagne #blitz #Valkyrie #finka #lion #doc #lion/doc #finka/Valkyrie #monty/blitz #gay #nonbinary #coming out #pride #lgbtq #lesbian #bi

[sugarbutterbroadway]

Davey-doll Chapter 4

“You promised me he’d be here”Jack grumbled, perching on a turned over carton. It was still early in the day, the theatre wouldn’t be opening until that evening. The room was still dim with the velvet curtains still pulled across the windows. Medda put down her fountain pen and raised a brow at him.

“I didn’t promise you anything”she said, folding her arms

Jack huffed and kicked his foot out.“What do you mean on his own time”

“Jack, David is coming up on almost ten years of working for me,”she said evenly. “He started off doing most of my dirty work. Analyzing pieces,leadin’ rehearsals,doin wigs,costumes,learned to sew and even acted himself at times” she continued. “If anyone deserves to pick their working hours it’s him.”

“Well then can you tell me anything about him? Anything?”Jack sighed, running a hand through his hair. Medda’s eyes widened and she rose from her chair, planting her hands flat on her desk.

“This your first time back in town in years and you’re just here to prod me for information about a man—who wanted to give you everything if I do recall—and you went and blew it?”

“I-“

“No no no Jack Kelly, now you’ve got my blood boiling”She adjusted her robe and walked towards him. “Why do you think it’s right that you put that boy through hell and you can just waltz back in?”

“Through hell?”Jack scoffed. “that’s a laugh”

“And back!”Medda grunted, stomping her foot. “Poor David was already broken when you refused his proposal—just to add insult to injury you went and disappeared not soon after!”

Jack immediately shook his head. “Davey was-no that can’t be right”he mumbled, more to himself than anyone else. He remembers that night clear as day. No no they sat on the rooftop, he bought Davey a soda. He remembers so well because the moonlight had hit Davey’s face in a way that had him itching for a paintbrush. They had gone up there to fool around, just how they always did. And they did. Boy they did.

They had finished and Davey had Jack wrapped up in his arms, it felt warm and safe like it always did.

Then Davey had said two little words. 

Marry me. It was a mere whisper, could’ve been chalked up to the breeze. But he heard it, mumbled into his hair. The warm breath barely brushed the shell of his ear.

It sent Jack into a panic.

He cringed thinking back on it. He had freaked out, worse than he wanted to. Worse than he ever intended to. He bolted up and asked Davey to repeat himself, begged him. And Davey did, with so much hope in his eyes, so much mirth in his smile. He tried to grab onto Jack’s hand but he flinched as if he’d been burned. Why would Davey want to get married and ruin what they had? He’s seen what marriage has done to people, his folks, Race’s folks. Random blokes in alleyways with a prostitute when you had just sold them a pape with their wife on their arm the day before. It was a pointless practice, why would you swear yourself to someone for forever when you couldn’t keep the promise? He didn’t do forever, he did one night, he did moments, forever wasn’t promised to anymore. 

It was suffocating.

He...he asked Davey to leave. they got into it. And...

Now he remembers just how broken he was. Years of trying to wipe those shattered eyes from his mind and they come back full force. He could see him standing there, soft light illuminating his body, bloodshot hazel eyes and tear slicked cheeks. He remembers hearing him cry, remembers not caring. Throwing him a rag to clean himself off like...

Like an object. 

Jack blinked rapidly. He reduced Davey to nothing but an object that day.

“Medda I fucked up”he said quickly. “I...I-“

“And it only took you nine years to figure that out”she said, shaking her head. 

“You left cause you didn’t wanna face him, didn’t you? Didn’t want to deal with the consequences?”

He nodded. He hated that she was right. She walked over to the crate he was perched on and whacked him over the back of his head. He lurched forward with a groan.

“Now what did I tell you the first time you tried to pull something like this?”she said.

“I..nowhere will ever be the right place if I’m running away”he sighed. 

“Exactly”she said, “and look at you right where you started! Jack Kelly I have been telling you from the first day I met you that playing with people's feelings is a dangerous game”

“I know but-“

“I told you that and you still went and did it”she seethed, “it was all a game to you, wasn’t it? Those people had feelings Jack. Feelings and lives and who knows how many hearts you’ve broken at this rate. Broken hearts are no game”

“I know but why are you telling me this!”he exclaimed, bunching his hands together. “I know! I know! I just—I already feel shitty why do you have to rub it in?”

“Because you may be one of my boys, but so is David”she said, “and what you did is something no one should ever do. You didn’t just break his heart, you never gave it back”

“I what-“

“Not to mention that from the little stunts you pulled, you made it so no other homosexual newsie would ever lay an eye on him. And it’s still in place today”

His stomach turned. “w-which means?-“

“-which means if David even wanted to find love, no other newsie would have him”she said, “playing games with love and attraction and feelings is never good Jack. Love may feel so light and airy but it should never be taken so lightly. You were a selfish selfish boy, you only thought about what you wanted, how you felt”

“I...how can I fix this?”he asked, “I wanna fix it”

“Leave him alone”

“What?”he spat.

“Walk your behind right back out of town and don’t look back”she said, “you’ve already taken so many years of his life, you don’t need more. And I don’t want you to give him hope either, David may be logical but that boy leads with his heart and even after so many lonely years, his heart still wants you”

“His heart can have me!”Jack said quickly, “please Medda I...help me...please”

“Don’t you get it, Jack?”she chuckled, her eyes were sad. “This is the price you pay when you play the game”

“Speak plainly for god sake!”he groaned, gripping at his hair. “Yer trippin me up!”

“There’s no fixing what you broke.”she said. “No way in hell if I’m honest, what you did to David is what happens to widowers after the loss of their spouse, they lose themselves. David hasn’t been right since what you did, when I say it broke him I mean it. He may still be smart and funny and tough as nails but his heart...it still needs to heal before you try anything”

“Then what do I do?”he stressed. “Medda I-I can’t just leave him alone, you don’t understand I-there’s-I want him so much—“

“I do understand,”she said, rolling her eyes. “How do you think David felt? You both felt the same things, just years apart”

“I need him, Medda,”he said. “I-I haven’t stopped thinking about him-it’s why I came back, Davey’s like my Santa Fe!”

“You should have told him that nine years ago”she mumbled.

“I was seventeen!”he shouted. “For god sake Medda I was young! What did you want me to do! I get it, I was young and stupid and an asshole, I know!”

“I’m glad you do”She said, “the theatre’s opening soon, I need you to be on your way”

“I-“he deflated, “can I come back tomorrow?”

She gave him a crooked smile. “You may piss me off but you’re always welcome to my theatre.”

“I’m not giving up on Davey,”he said.

“you should”she sighed, “but I know you won’t. We’ll talk , now out.”

“Med-“

“Shoo!”she said, ushering him towards the door.

Twenty minutes later, Davey walked in manuscript under his arm and puffed out.

“Medda, you’ll never believe who I ran into yesterday” 

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, “I could imagine”

#newsies jack kelly #Jack Kelly #Davey Jacobs #Davey-Doll #jack kelly x david jacobs

[iihappydaysii]

Jamie is attracted to Lord John, which makes him very confused and angry, in this essay I will… okay, but I’m actually going to write this essay, so buckle up.

Last night, I read Jamie talking to the others at Castle Leoch in Outlander about his experiences as a teenager with the Duke of Sandringham. First of all, the duke is disgusting and needs a very swift kick to the balls—but even so, Jamie doesn’t take the duke so seriously. He finds an amount of humor in it, even if it’s in part just how he’s chosen to deal with it. Also, Jamie is surrounded by men that, though they’re far from “allies”, they’re not being particularly hateful about it. Of course, all of this discussion occurs before the rape and torture Jamie experiences from Black Jack Randall. This filled in a piece of what I’ve been trying to understand about Jamie’s relationship with Lord John.

Before Lord John, the Duke and Black Jack are Jamie’s experience with—I strongly hesitate to say gay men—but Jamie sees a connection between these three men based on their attractions to men, however disturbingly they present in the Duke and Black Jack. The Duke preys it seems to be exclusively or near exclusively on young men. Claire upon meeting him says that it’s all the boys under eighteen that seem wary of him, as they’ve been warned (I’m increasingly glad that as far as we know the Duke got nowhere near young Lord John). Of course, we have Black Jack who is an 18th century version of a serial rapist/serial killer. Jamie experiences a horrific trauma at his hands. Not only did he rape and hurt Jamie physically and very, very seriously, he also found ways to make Jamie find pleasure in it. And thinking of Jamie’s casual reaction to the Duke’s inappropriate advances, it makes me think Jamie’s particular reaction to this form of torture isn’t based on a simple baseline homophobia.

A) Jamie feels guilt for getting “pleasure” out of it because he’s married and faithful to Claire. Also, how could she ever love him if he did (his thoughts)? B) What does it say about him that he could find any kind of release/pleasure at the hands of such a horrific man and in the midst of an incredible amount of pain? C) Later, after the rape and torture, if he experiences any attraction towards a man—as it seems he might towards John, I’ll explain more later—how can he ever know if those feelings only exist because of Black Jack? And, even if he can parse that out, he can’t stomach the thought that he shares anything in common with the Duke or his rapist.

Enter Lord John Grey. Jamie likes him, despite the fact that he’s the Governor of the Ardsmuir Prison, despite the fact that he once tried to kill Jamie. At first, there’s mistrust and contempt there, but eventually, they grow to like and respect each other and enjoy time spent in each other’s company. Dining together, swapping stories and playing chess. Given Jamie’s strong reaction to John’s simple touch to his hand (a death threat, followed by basically years of contempt). If Black Jack had never happened, I think, at worst, he would’ve given an 18th century “Sorry, man. I don’t swing that way.” John would’ve apologized and that would’ve been that. Jamie knows John is no real threat to him. Jamie has little that can be leveraged against him, as Black Jack was able to leverage Claire against him. Our sweet David Berry gives us a false impression of the size difference between Jamie and Lord John. He’s near a foot taller and physically dwarfs John. Not to mention, in the show, Jamie says defiantly to John (before their friendship) that he can do his best to torture him but there’s nothing he can do that hasn’t already been done. He doesn’t seem particularly afraid.

I’ve mentioned this before, but its mentioned in the Lord John series that John is actually pretty good at figuring out who’s into dudes and who isn’t. He’d have to be to survive long, doing what he does, especially as he doesn’t go to the brothels. He ‘gets it wrong’ with Jamie and it’s likely a mix between wishful thinking/strong feelings and simple misinterpretation, but John is smart and he senses something. So he acts on it in as gentle a way as possible (not knowing anything of what happened to Jamie with Black Jack, he won’t realize Jamie has been raped at all until he guesses it in that painful scene in BOTB, which I’ll discuss in a moment. Firstly though I want to mention some things that come later that relate to suggestion that Jamie is attracted to John in some way, beyond John believing so enough that he takes such a large risk. For one, Claire will end up sensing something between John and Jamie, enough that it bothers her and she recognizes it for what it is, at least what it is for John. For two, we know there’s a connection between violence and sex for Jamie, we can see it in how he is ‘in bed’ with Claire. Anytime John’s attraction to Jamie gets brought up, he responds violently, despite John not being any actual threat to him—something he knows for certain by the time John is saying “We were both fucking you”—and yet, how does he react then? Violence. (I can’t fuck you, so I’ll hit you. Two sides of the same coin for Jamie.)

Later, he’ll even admit to Claire that when he was falling apart after William was born that it was John who was able to put him back together again, and that he’s angry about it. He’s angry that John can touch his heart in that way.

Anyway, let’s rewind a bit, so we can discuss why exactly Jamie would be so angry about any possible attraction to John based on how he sees gay men (and how he believes he’d have to see himself if he were to accept the way John is able to make him feel).

The scene where John comes to Jamie for help figuring out what to do about Percy’s impending trial is where we can see this issue most clearly laid out. First of all, Jamie has a VERY strong reaction to realizing Percy was John’s lover.

I can’t in honor see him hanged for a crime whose guilt I share—and from whose consequences I am escaped by chance alone.

This is all it takes for Jamie to realize that Percy is John’s lover. Though John doesn’t directly state that, Jamie senses it, is smart enough to figure it out—and does not react well. (Also, the word Jamie uses is ‘catamite’, which is a term from ancient Rome and Greece that means ‘a boy kept for homosexual practices—and John corrects him to lover).

They begin to argue it at this point, basically the concept of whether or not men can be lovers. Jamie, whose experience is limited to the Duke and Black Jack, knows intimately that what those men experienced was not love, but selfishness and power trip to varying degrees. He’s projected that on to all men who experience attraction to men—a burden he would have to hang around his own neck as well—if he were to feel a similar (as maybe he did when John touched his hand in Ardsmuir… in that moment, before he pulled away.)

Only men who lack the ability to possess a woman or cowards who fear them—must resort to such feeble indecencies to relieve their lusts.

It’s an attempt to goad John, to insult him. It doesn’t particularly work as Lord John doesn’t possess any great deal of shame around his being gay and knows that isn’t true. He’s not afraid of women and could most certainly possess one if he wanted to. John doesn’t take the bait as intended and deflects to talking about love. What do you think love is?

He needs to keep his love for Claire separate from anything he could or could not feel for John and Jamie goes on to speak of one of his other experiences with gay men, though John doesn’t know that this relates to an exact experience (this can also relate to Black Jack because of Fergus). But I think Jamie, at this point, is pretty certain that John is no Black Jack. His negative reaction to Jamie (in a sense) forcing John to whip him Ardsmuir was a good example to him that John doesn’t get pleasure out of that. But still, if John has this attraction to men in common with Black Jack and the Duke, he must have others, right? So, he turns to accusing John of ‘preying upon helpless boys’.

Lord John threatens to physically fight him for that comment, which is very fair. It’s a horrible and gross accusation that he absolutely does not deserve in any way.

Jamie’s reaction to this is interesting. Armed or no, ye canna master me.

Of course, this is when John says something really motherfucking dumb without realizing the implications because he doesn’t know Jamie’s history of trauma.

I tell you sir—were I to take you to my bed—I could make you scream and by God, I would do it.

This conversation goes all to hell because John thinks he’s arguing against homophobia and what he’s really arguing against are fundamental beliefs Jamie now holds to protect himself against his trauma and any feelings he may or may not have for John. (and it just must really suck to be in love with someone who thinks such terrible things of you, through not fault of your own).

(Also a quick aside about Grey wanking after this, like it doesn’t make a hell of a lot of a sense in reality. Especially as we know Grey will be very angry about this conversation for a long time after. However, in a literary sense it goes to reflect that idea of violence as sex or violence as a way to express sexual attraction. If Jamie’s release of the sexual tension of that scene was the punch, John’s was this.)

Of course, they’ll rebuild their friendship slowly, over the years at Helwater and in Scotland. Enough so that Jamie will gift John with one of his most precious things—his son William. This time will end with an offer of his body in exchange for John to care for William (though it is a test to make certain John’s not a creep and if he is Jamie plans to kill him). John, of course, turns Jamie down because as Jamie will later say to Claire, “he would not take counterfeit for true coin”. This is the moment where Jamie separates John from Black Jack and the Duke. And, at least for a moment, is able to separate himself from them too. Enough that he does something he does not have to do, that there’s no real reason for him to do, he kisses John.

Grey felt the big hands warm on the skin of his face, light and strong as the brush of an eagle’s feather, and then Jamie Fraser’s soft wide mouth touched his own. There was a fleeting impression of tenderness and strength held in check, the faint taste of ale and fresh-baked bread. Then it was gone, and Grey stood blinking in the brilliant sun.

#lord john grey #jamie x john #outlander nonsense #rape tw #homophobia tw

[weerd1]

Star Trek DS9 Rewatch Log, Stardate 1908.06: Missions Reviewed, “Indiscretion,” “Rejoined,” “Starship Down,” and “Little Green Men.”

“Indiscretion” gives us Maj. Kira hearing from a skeezy old contact that a missing Cardassian prisoner transport that disappeared may have been found, and she immediately plans to investigate. However, in the interest of furthering Bajoran and Cardassian relations, the new Cardassian government insists on sending a representative: Gul Dukat. 

Meanwhile, Kassidy Yates is talking about moving permanently onto DS9, which catches Sisko a little off guard. His reaction puts her off, and he has to figure out how to make this right, and if indeed this is the next step he wants to take. Kira and Dukat track the ship, and Kira realizes Dukat has a personal interest: his Bajoran mistress was on board with a daughter…his daughter. Kira is at first sympathetic but realizes he intends to kill the girl in order to preserve his status on Cardassia. She needs him though as the survivors are being used as slave labor by the Breen, and Kira can’t rescue them alone. When they have Tora Ziyal safe, Kira is prepared to shoot Dukat to save the girl, but he relents, promising to take her back to Cardassia and face the consequences.  

Written during the “We’re going to make you like Dukat” era of DS9, the writers effectively tease us with the fact he is still insufferable but slowly coming around.  Some comic relief even shows up as Kira removes a splinter from his posterior. 

Introducing the character of Ziyal does put Dukat on an interesting arc…though redemption won’t be the destination.  The Sisko/Yates scenes are amusing as well and bode well for those two characters continued development.  The Breen are introduced, and to me they always seemed to have some tie to Boushh, Leia’s disguise in “Return of the Jedi.” They will of course come into play when the Dominion War takes off, but will remain mysterious.

In “Rejoined,” a Trill science team comes to the station with the plan of creating an artificial wormhole.  The lead scientist has a symbiont who in a previous host was married to one of Dax’s previous hosts. 

 “Reassociation” is a severe taboo in Trill society, and could result in being banished from the homeworld, which would mean the symbiont could not be passed on to another host, effectively ending its life. Jadzia and Lenara are initially awkward together, but work together easily, and the attraction between them begins to grow.  Eventually, when there is an accident in the experiment, Dax realizes she never wants to lose Lenara again, and asks her to stay on DS9, accept the exile, and rekindle their love. 

 Lenara considers, but cannot bring herself to give her work and life up, and leaves when the experiments are over, leaving a broken hearted Dax in her wake.

For an episode from the mid 1990s, this is a remarkable way of dealing with homosexuality.  What’s truly brilliant is the way the story makes the Taboo the Trill reassociation, NOT the gender of the hosts, so NO ONE in the episode questions the two of them being married because they are women.  Kira even gives an impassioned speech about choice and love, and at no point is gender mentioned.  Very ahead of its time, and very heartbreaking when it doesn’t work out. Susanna Thompson who plays Lenara will of course go on to play the Borg Queen in a few episodes of Voyager, and Moira Queen on “Arrow.”  Sci Fi Royalty all around!

The Defiant becomes a “Starship Down” in the Gamma Quadrant! While negotiating with a partner there the Defiant is attacked by two Jem’Hadar fighters. 

 The trade ship and the Defiant descend into the atmosphere of a gas giant to evade their attackers. Blinded in the atmosphere the cat and mouse continues after Sisko is hurt with Worf taking over the combat. He pushes too hard, and O’Brien gives him advice on how to better work with the other officers. Kira meanwhile is trying to keep Sisko alive while dealing with the fact that he is The Emissary.  She admits her discomfort and wonders if they have not bonded more because of the unspoken issues that he is kind of her Messiah. Worf manages to defeat the Dominion Forces, and back on DS9, Sisko invites Kira to a holosuite baseball game.

Something seems off on this episode.  I applaud the adaptation of the old submarine warfare tropes, though I don’t think they do it as well as “Balance of Terror” did on the Original Series. It’s weird seeing Worf have  to practice how to deal with human officers; it’s not like he’s fresh, he’s been working with humans on the Enterprise for years. The Kira/Sisko stuff is kind of interesting, and I am always a sucker for dealing with the Bajoran religion and its ramificaitons.  Fun to see James Cromwell (Zephram Cochrane in “First Contact”) here as well as the alien negotiator. Otherwise, everyone else just seems…off.

“Little Green Men” Lightens the mood however. With Nog preparing to head off to Starfleet Academy, Quark offers to take him on the new ship he just inherited from the often mentioned cousin Gayla. On the way there though, Rom realizes Quark is actually smuggling some contraband, and that Gayla has sabotaged the shuttle.  Using the elicit merch to counter the sabotage, they are thrown back in time to 1947, where they have crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. 

 In the custody of the US Army, they have to reactivate their universal translators to even talk to the primitive Hew-Mons, who do things like light tobacco and fire and breathe it, and irradiate their own planet with nuclear fission.  Quark begins to scheme to ‘bargain’ the whole planet under his control, but the Army starts playing hardball.

  Luckily, knowing he was smuggling, it turns out Odo was stowed away and knows where they can find their ship.  As luck would have it there’s about to be another nuclear test, and they can use that explosion to make another temporal distortion…if there’s enough of the contraband “kemosite” on board. Luckily there is, and they return to the right year and get Nog safely to Starfleet. Meanwhile Quark has to scrap the ship to get money for passage home. Odo wants to arrest him, but he points out there is no proof: all the kemosite was used in the time warp!

Definitely a fun ep but one that the expanded universe of the novels used to great effect talking about the Ferengi tech studies from Area 51 being used to design the Botany Bay that Khan would later leave Earth in during the Eugenics Wars. Also neat to see Charles Napier guest star here, since he was a space hippy in the TOS episode “The Way to Eden;” now he is a Herbert as the Army General in charge. The best part of the whole episode though is Nog studying an Earth history program and asking his father if he thinks some guy named Gabriel Bell from the 2020s looks just like Captain Sisko.

NEXT VOYAGE: It’s Klingonpalooza on DS9 as Kor joins Worf and Jadzia as they search for the legendary “Sword of Kahless”!  tlhIngan maH! taHjaj!

#star trek #star trek: Deep Space Nine #DS9 rewatch

[nerdygaymormon]

The Payne Papers, aka Prologue

In Spring 1977, in a Beginning Psychology class at BYU, Dr. Reed Payne gave an anti-gay lecture. Cloy Jenkins, a gay man, was in attendance and unhappy at what was said. 

Because of the anti-homosexual climate in the church and on campus, Cloy felt that he couldn’t speak up and counter the statements made on the subject, so he decided to write a reply. 

————————————————————— 

Howard Salisbury was a gay Ricks College professor that Cloy met while still a teenager and someone Cloy consulted with on the response. 

I don’t know how Cloy Reed was put in touch with gay BYU professor Lee Williams, but this professor also contributed to the paper, and more importantly, he reviewed it with "skillful criticism” and was the main editor of the 52 page work. Lee Williams’ brother also contributed, Jeff Williams was a gay Ricks College professor. 

The response countered Dr. Payne’s assertion that homosexuality is a pathological condition and explained what it’s like to be gay and Mormon. They argued that homosexuality cannot be cured. Instead it is a state of being and not a chosen pattern of behavior. Those who claim to be cured might have experienced a modification in their sexual behavior but not in their orientation. 

They called this “The Payne Papers” and printed up some copies (without their names on it, they remained anonymous) and shared with family and friends, who also shared it with others. 

—————————————————————

What happened next is incredible. 

Later that summer, Ken Kline, a gay activist in Salt Lake City, was given a copy of the papers. He decided to publish them as an anonymous pamphlet and asked BYU student Donald Attridge to do a pencil sketch of the BYU campus for the cover artwork. 

Ken knew a gay man who worked in the church office building’s mail room. Through him, the pamphlet was distributed into the mail of all General Authorities. Copies of the pamphlet were mailed to local TV and radio stations. The pamphlet also was distributed to most of the faculty at BYU and Ricks College (probably with the aid of “The Payne Papers” authors from those campuses). Having a pamphlet with a cover of BYU and distributed to all these faculty and GA’s made it seem it was a BYU publication and had been church approved. Needless to say, LDS leaders were upset. 

Ken Kline also owned The Open Door, which was Salt Lake’s gay newpaper. The paper began the serialization (printing part of them each week) of The Payne Papers, which meant the arguments were out there for all to read.  

—————————————————————

I won’t go into all the ways the LDS Church sought to counter the arguments made in “The Payne Papers,” but after several weak attempts, Elder Boyd K. Packer refuted the basic premise of the Payne Papers in a 1978 address at BYU, telling the 12-stake fireside that homosexuality is a curable problem. His remarks were then published as the pamphlet To The One.

—————————————————————

Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons acquired the rights to “The Payne Papers” and republished it under the new title “Prologue.”

—————————————————————

This was a serious attempt to strip away the ignorance and prejudice that resulted in the pain, suffering and tragic deaths of many gay Mormon youth. It was the first major pushback against the narrative that Spencer Kimball had been giving for decades on the subject of homosexuality and it really shook a lot of leaders.  

Here’s a link if you’d like to read it in its entirety, and below I put some quotes from the pamphlet. 

Cloy Jenkins still lives, he resides in Maui with his partner. 

—————————————————————

“No one knows what causes homosexuality. However, we do know one thing that does not cause homosexuality and that is free choice. Until the cause or causes are known it is grossly inappropriate to moralize about it.”

—————————————————————

“One does not choose to be homosexual. The concept of choice, implicit in your lecture, is the beginning of a fundamental misunderstanding of homosexuality. Not once in all of my investigation have I known anyone who seriously said he chose to be homosexual. Most homosexuals have at some time chosen not to be homosexual, some repeatedly, only to discover that in spite of their determination, they remained homosexual.”

—————————————————————

“Rather than choice, the growing child comes to a realization of who he is sexually. Self-awareness should not be mistaken for conscious choice. For a psychologist, this distinction, which you appear to be confused about, should be embarrassingly elemental.”

—————————————————————

“I know of many homosexuals who have married and have children. In not one single case has it changed their homosexuality. This kind of “appetitional” sexual reconditioning therapy is not only simplistic but immoral since it toys with the deep affections and emotional well-being of another person. Marriage is the rug under which the Brethren encourage many men to sweep their homosexuality.”

  —————————————————————

“Recommending to the homosexual that he abstain from the sexual expression of who he is has far-reaching consequences. It cuts him off from the only real possibility open to him to experience love. The more frightening fact is that it unquestionably condemns him to a life of loneliness which cannot and is not ministered to by any facet of the Church or society. No amount of temple going, priesthood meetings, home teaching, or special interest activity will ease the loneliness. This can only be realized through a mature loving intimacy.”

—————————————————————

“One of the more singularly striking facts is that in the entire Book of Mormon and the other modern scriptures there is not one single reference to homosexuality. These scriptures contain the “fullness of the Gospel” and all the essential commandments for the Saints, and yet the subject of homosexuality is conspicuously absent. To my knowledge, Joseph Smith never mentioned the subject. From The Teachings of Joseph Smith: “When we lie down, we contemplate how we may rise in the morning; and it is pleasing for friends to lie down together, locked in the arms of love, to sleep and awake in each other’s embrace and renew their conversation.”(p. 295)” 

—————————————————————

“Statistical studies show that an extremely low percentage of homosexuals engage in child molesting. Far and away the greatest occurrence of child molesting is by heterosexuals on young girls, not by homosexuals on young boys. Like heterosexuals, homosexuals typically prefer a partner close to their own age and in a relationship that is mutually expressive of the affection for and interest in the other person. One of the main reasons for outlawing homosexuality in the past has been this child molesting concern as reflected in the emotional campaign now under way to “Save Our Children” (from homosexuality). By the same logic, should not heterosexuality be outlawed since heterosexual child molesting occurs much more frequently?”

—————————————————————

“Excommunication, of course, cuts off and punishes individuals who violate the code of sexual conduct of the Church, but it has never cured one single case of homosexuality. The Church knows only that the member must comply with the program or be judged and punished.”

—————————————————————

“Excommunication is actually an easy way out for the Church...For the Church, it makes it easier to deny the stark reality of the member’s experience. The Church no longer has to be troubled with a life that will not conform to the program and perplexing emotions that are counter to what is “supposed to be”. In a very crucial way, excommunication is an official denial of existence...I have watched the Church take action against a number of homosexuals, and nothing but damage and destruction has come of the action. You would know as a psychologist, that if you persist loud enough in telling a person that he is bad, it will begin to have serious negative effects on him, especially if he comes to believe you.The Church does feel justified in its position about the immorality of homosexuality. But it also has an obligation to help, not destroy its members, even those who violate its standards.”

—————————————————————

“Should bishops and branch presidents be asking questions in those interviews if they are unprepared to responsibly deal with the answers? Should we be prying into the private lives of our youths to the extent of their learning of homosexuality and masturbation in their interviews with the bishop?”

#lgbt history month #lgbtq+ mormons #LGBTQ+ LDS #this tea is HOT #queerstake

[ctl-yuejie]

Thoughts on Jamie and Namnhao

(includes spoilers until the first half of episode 7)

I started watching this series because l’ve been in love with Mild since Kiss The Series, but the way how Jamie and Namnhao are written really was a pleasant surprise.

Both are only side characters so they could’ve easily gone with the popular “jock falls for the quiet and shy boy” - trope. Instead their relationship is way more nuanced and I love every second of it. 

Jamie

While he is on the popular kids’ basketball team and good friends with college heart-throb Aud he doesn’t really fit into their hierarchy. We see him defend Aud against what seems to be the “alpha” of the team and at all parties he’s moving independently of everyone else. He’s still part of the gang, getting invited to events etc. but he doesn’t seem to give in to peer pressure. 

Jamie is not the loudest team member but he will do anything for his friends and even gets physical with the “alpha” guy (he’s the worst I didn’t care enough to remember his name) after he mocks Aud. (I should point out that Aud has lied to Jamie, so he is unaware of what a monster Aud really is)

At the same time he isn’t out to his friends: he evades Aud’s questions about who he’s texting and just denies that it’s a girl and he gets flustered when the “alpha” guy makes homophobic comments and insinuates that he might know about him dating a guy.

Jamie himself however thinks that he’s neither in or out the closet. 

And this is why I like the way he’s written so much. Because both Jamie and Namnhao feel so realistic to me in 2018. Jamie didn’t have a coming-out but he never lies about his sexuality either. I believe he feels quite smug telling Aud that he’s not texting a girl, because he is telling the truth. And I get him. I don’t want to speak for everyone here, but at least I believe that I would love to live in a world in which I didn’t need to constantly come-out. A world in which no one assumes you are straight, a world in which you can just talk about crushes of any gender or introduce your significant other to your friends and family without anyone making a fuss out of your sexuality. That doesn’t mean that I don’t take pride in my sexuality or the community but to me this would be the ideal world. I do see myself in Jamie. He seems to believe that no one should care about him dating Namnhao and thinks of his own sexuality as something so normal he doesn’t feel the need to address it publicly. (This is not in the show but in my head canon he’s not out to his parents either, but tells himself that he’ll just bring his boyfriend home someday and they will say nothing special about it)

Jamie himself tells Namnhao that he doesn’t mind people talking about him, that he wants everyone to know that they’re in a relationship and he teases Namnhao for hiding in the bathroom in order to video-call him.

And Jamie genuinely beliefs to be in this place of self-acceptance and have this progressive environment because he acts like he does.

When he first meets Namnhao at the party he immediately starts flirting with him in front of everybody and straight on hits on him during the night. He initiates all the hand-holding and pecking in public, which is a lot when you consider that PDA in general is not that much of a thing in Thailand (or so I’ve been told).

Of course we already see the tell-tale signs that everything is not as settled as Jamie thinks it is and we hope it to be. As soon as his sexuality becomes a topic in his inner circle, his team mates and people from school, he panics. Even when Namnhao says that he wants people at the party to know about their relationship, he panics for a second and then tries to find an excuse not to do that.

When he gets taunted in the locker room by his team mate he gets very defensive and calls Namnhao just a friend, the moment someone who recognizes him is around him he stops showing any affection for Namnhao. In episode 7 they are in the safety of a gay club and he’s about to kiss Namnhao but he runs of when some other guy in the bar recognizes him as “Jamie from the school’s basketball team”. 

This is what I love about his character. He doesn’t struggle with his homosexuality, but he has this underlying fear of being made an outsider and being left alone if people find out about it.

He lies to himself about how courageous he is and every time he gets confronted with his fears he finds an excuse: by only telling Aud that he’s not texting a girl and by making the fight with his team mate in the locker room about Aud getting disrespected even though it were the homophobic comments that ticked him off and we can see in his eyes how scared he really is of people finding out. He’s not scared of his homosexuality he’s scared of the consequences his sexuality has in a homophobic environment. And to me that’s very legit and also part of the contemporary struggles that LGBTQI+ youth face.

Jamie not only lies to himself, he lets Namnhao belief that he doesn’t give a shit and tries his best to act upon it. As long as he’s surrounded by strangers he will kiss Namnhao and hold his hand and tell him that Namnhao should be more courageous and open about his sexuality. 

Which leads to the bathroom scene in the gay bar when all comes tumbling down and he has to confront himself and Namnhao about the lies. He’s enraged not because he’s angry at the gossipy gays or Namnhao but because he’s so disappointed with himself. He had this whole constructed logic about how he was doing fine and and how he is confident but now he realizes how scared he really is and how he’s hurting Namnhao. He holds himself to such a high standard that it must feel like a punch in the gut to have these sobering thoughts.

Jamie is courageous but his romantic view of himself and the world has blinded him to his own fears. However, we can see him grow and come to terms with himself fast. Because after he leaves Namhao crying in the bathroom he comes running back to look for him.

Namnhao

Namnhao has the realistic approach to the world that Jamie needs. He is not out to his family but unlike Jamie really doesn’t seem to care if people know. Namnhao is very confident in his gayness. We don’t know anything about his social circle besides his twin brother but we know that he went to that gay bar before. 

In my head canon Namnhao keeps to himself at college but has some childhood friends he’s still close with who know that he’s gay. And out of curiosity he’s been to gay bars before and while he’s not one for a casual hook-up I do think that he feels happy and comforted by the thought that this is a place just for him where everyone is just like him and somewhere where he can feel safe.

Namnhao is quiet and soft spoken but he’s very strong. He just knows what fights to pick and which not, whereas Jamie is very emotional and doesn’t think before he acts. Namnhao will stand up against three of Jamie’s teammates to protect Lookkaew, who he isn’t even close with. All he knows is that she’s the girls everyone and his brother keep talking about and that everyone else just keeps taking videos on their phones instead of helping her to get out of the situation. Namnhao will never stand for injustice.

Namnhao also knows that his dad is a homophobe so he decides to not come out to his family because he has enough evidence to come to the conclusion that they won’t accept him. He doesn’t like PDA that much but he will unabashedly show his adoration for Jamie in private and tease him mercilessly. Unlike Jamie he’s very aware of where his boundaries are and what he dares to do but he constantly tries to challenge himself and be more open. This is one of the reasons why he likes Jamie so much, because Jamie will hold his hand and kiss him in public and tell him how he wants everyone to know about them.

The only miscalculation he makes is with his brother. Namnuea figures out that Jamie is much more than a friend and he makes it a point to tell Namnhao that he thinks that Namnhao shouldn’t be afraid to be who he is because he believes that their generation is that progressive. It is really sweet to see that Namnhao was wrong about his brother not accepting him and I think it gives him the courage to not assume that his surrounding is mostly homophobic and become more open.

He feels much more betrayed by Jamie turning out to not be as confident as he says he is. Namnhao who’s always calculating the risks decided to fully trust in Jamie and he gets disappointed. He’s angry that Jamie is so afraid of being outed that he won’t even show that they’re together in a gay bar. Because this is the kind of rejection he expects of his father but not Jamie.

Namnhao has to learn that Jamie doesn’t like him any less just because he’s not ready to be as open as himself yet. He can’t just put all his expectations he has of society on Jamie and expect him to not fold under the pressure. I hope he realizes that.

I had to include the last scene of ep 7 -  so more spoilers! - I won’t get too much into the elephant in the room because I’ve already ranted about this before and how strongly I disagree with that progression of the plot.

Obviously his whole situation changes drastically by the end of episode 7 but there’s also such a change in how he sees his own position. The homophobic reaction of his dad is nowhere near as terrifying as to what he had to survive so he just sits there at the table and basically tells his dad “I’m gay, deal with it”.

All in all I love their characterization because imo the writers managed to include a lot of emotional turmoil that young LGBTQI+ people experience nowadays.

You want your society to be more progressive, you don’t want to need safe spaces and there’s the tempting assurance by straight people around you that everything will be fine and the world is not that homophobic anymore. But as in the series you see the lack of empathy towards victims of sexual assault around you, you see people disrespecting basic privacy rules because they lech at the “otherness” of people around them. So despite the assurance, there’s still the big unknown as to how your coming-out will play out. You can be stealth about your sexuality and belief that in this time and age you don’t need to come out anymore. Which is legit and luckily a reality for some people.  However it requires just as much courage to come out nowadays and to feel confident in oneself and I think they did a great job encapsulating all of this in Jame and Namnhao.

#ctl-yuejie writes #The Judgement Like..ได้เรื่อง #the judgement #jamiexnamnhao #long post

[markipwiwer]

Say, what happens after Wil finds out the truth on what Dark is? does Anti ever get to know their back story? I really love your writing but I suck at waiting to find out stuff??

This is the oldest ask I had in my inbox because I needed to give this thought. It already feels unstructured as hell but that being said, nothing is structured after that kind of trauma.

This is a DIRECT sequel to “We Never Left”, and it probably won’t make sense if you haven’t read that, so go to my AO3 or check my recent Masterpost to get the full story I guess???

-

Dark, Wilford and Anti sat in the padded cell, together, and just talked.

Wilford talked about what he remembered. Most of the things Damien hadn’t been around for, in terms of the party or the aftermath or personal time spent between William and Mark, the Entity had filled him in. So it wasn’t news. But hearing Wilfords perspective on everything was… difficult.

Sometimes, Dark would just sit and listen to Wilford talk and talk and talk about little details. Anti asked a lot of questions, some more prodding than others, but Wilford seemed just as interested in trying to remember to answer as Anti was in getting the full picture.

Anti did have a natural sense of feeling left out, of course. It was difficult. He’d come into the relationship at, what seemed to be, a very crucial time. Every time he thought about he might be intruding, he felt sick. So he shoved it down and it stayed that way for a while.

Eventually, they came to the agreement that Wilford was safe to be out of the cell and on a lower course of medication, just to even things out a little. No one wanted his personality to change, but that was an awful lot of trauma to unearth at once. Schneeplestein, having already worked with Wilford in some more invasive ways before, knew the extreme end of things, and he worked in conjunction with Dr Iplier on regulating things.

-

As Dark recovered from his injuries from the incident, the three were a tad more distant. Usually one wouldn’t be able to tear them away from each other. But there was a solemn note to everything now, even though it was all out in the open.

Anti often asked questions out of the blue. They varied in importance, or at least… traumatic value.

“So… Damien was totally fucking the butler in his spare time, right?”

Anti lay against Wilfords thigh on the couch, only because Wilford didn’t seem like he wanted to embrace anyone right now.

“Absolutely. All things considered, for his time, Damien was a pervert. Homosexual, sleeping with his servants. Not that Ben minded at all, he was having a wonderful time. Kept things quiet, Damien didn’t exactly need to pay him extra to not speak to the press but Damien, being the generous man that he was… any staff he happened to encounter usually got their tips. Marks or otherwise.”

Anti nodded, seemingly rather happy with the response. Then the subject changed.

“So why did you play roulette with that fucking psycho?”

Wilford blinked, and then he shrugged.

“I was drunk. I was in the house I grew up in, it’s not exactly like I was expecting to be framed for murder. I knew he’d turned into an egotistical bastard over the years and… I guess I felt guilty about Celine but there were so many sides to it. I barely agreed to it before he was pulling the trigger on me, and then it was kind of a dick move if I didn’t do the same.”

Wilford sounded resigned.

“I don’t know why Dark doesn’t hate me.”

“Why would he hate ye?”

“Mark wasn’t supposed to take Damien’s body. He was supposed to take mine. Dark would have had a working body at the very least if it wasn’t for me being so… stupid.”

That resonated with Anti in a way he wasn’t expecting. One thing Anti and Wilford definitely shared in terms of their dynamics in their respective families was the tendency to be the shitty wild card. Anti was reckless, impulsive, and sometimes stupid. Wilford was the same. A lot of the time, they could block it out. Not so much in the moment, when their consequences stared them directly in the face.

-

Wilford was being a lot more tender with Dark than he ever had been before. Dark was taking longer to recover from his injuries and had to stay in bed a lot of the time, since his leg injury didn’t leave much room for even being able to sit in his desk.

Despite protests from everyone around d him, he decided he still wanted paperwork done. So Wilford volunteered to transcribe various reports for him. And although Wilford was a little slower, he kept up for the sake of things. Once a report was done and Dark could already feel a headache coming on, Wilford would stand up from the desk and walk over to the bed, gently crawling up to Dark before strangling him and kissing him softly.

It happened over and over again, a reward every time, and sometimes it was so soft and gentle it made Dark want to cry. He didn’t want to be this vulnerable, he didn’t want to be injured, but at the same time, Wilford was still here an Wilford didn’t hate him and he was so grateful.

One day, Anti walked past the door as Dark and Wilford exchanged one of these intimate moments. He had been planning on getting snacks then coming in to give Dark a massage or something of the sort. Everyone felt a little responsible for Dark being out of commission. But Anti felt… closed out. He wasn’t part of this. This whole thing with Dark and Wilford, it wasn’t his business, it wasn’t his history, and he hadn’t even felt this insecure at the beginning of the relationship.

So he sulked past the door again with snacks for one, and he went to the lounge to think, assuming he wouldn’t be missed.

Wilford, who was back at the desk by that point, found Anti just walking past the room without so much as a glance in to be very strange. So as soon as he was able to break away from the paperwork, he went to Anti.

-

“I’m sorry.”

They both said it in unison. And then they looked at each other, confused as to why the other had said it.

Anti spoke first.

“This is none of my business. I’ve got no right to be here, pretendin’ like I’m some part of this. You and Dark have yer own thing and I’m just… trespassin’, or whatever. Besides, I hurt ye before… in the scuffle, ye know.”

Anti scratches at his own small grazes from the fight there had been just to get the gun out of Wilfords hand that had been aimed at a passed out Dark.

Wilford looked confused, then distraught.

“Anti. Jesus, no. You’ve got it all wrong. If it weren’t for you, Dark would probably be dead, okay? You’re the reason he’s still here, the reason I didn’t hurt myself, you’re the one keeping us balanced. Please, I know… I know Dark and I have history and memories together but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make new ones with you. In fact, I’d much rather be here, with you and him, living now than living back then.”

At this point, Wilfords hands were gripping Antis shoulders. It wasn’t said out loud, but Wilford was pleading with Anti to stay and they knew it.

A tear glitched onto Antis face and disappeared as soon as it came.

“Are ye sure I’m not gettin’ in the way?”

“No. I’m so sorry if we have you that impression. I owe everything to you. We owe everything to you. You’re the only one who has the balls to stand up to us and call us out on our crazy, upside-down bullshit and put a stop to it and we’d probably both be dead if you hadn’t… noticed me being crazy.”

Anti looked down at his own hands as Wilford reached for them. And they just sat like that, on the floor, next to a barely burning fire in the living room.

Anti supposed being a wild card had paid off.

-

About half an hour later, Dark was treated to cookies and massages and a very heartfelt double blowjob, since no one had been able to do much of anything since Dark could scarcely move.

Once Dark had caught his breath from the onslaught of love and affection, he actually laughed.

“Where did all that come from?”

Anti rather gently kissed the bullet wound on his shoulder and Wilford snuggled into the other side of him.

“We’re just glad ye’re here.”

Wilford stayed silent, trying to healthily deal with the horrid feeling that was “he could have not been here and it would have been my fault.”

But Dark was merciful, and put his arms around the both of them as best he could, bones popping as per usual.

“I’m rather glad I’m here too.”

#requests #dantistache #wkm #angst #Darkiplier #Wilford Warfstache #antisepticeye #who killed markiplier

[that-curly-haired-lesbian]

Analyze love story from a queer view?

Hianon!

Surething, one analysis of Love Story comingright up!

Before we startlooking at the lyrics though,we need to talk about Shakespeare real quick, everyone knows who that is,right? Writer dude that was kind of a big deal in the 1500’s (and interestinglyhad quite a few gay rumors surrounding him.) Anyway old Billy wrote this famousplay called Romeo & Juliet and it’salmost impossible to talk about Taylor Swift’s Love Story without constantly referring to this play so lemme breakdown the plot.

These two kids (she’s14 he’s 17, creepy right?) meet at a ball that Juliet’s family is throwing.

Juliet doesn’t knowwho Romeo is when she first meets him at the ball, but later (when he comes toher bedroom window and gets her attention by throwing pebbles at said window) shefinds out that he’s a Montague. A member of the family that’s having agenerations-long feud with Juliet’s family thus making it difficult for them tobe together even though they’re very in love.

Oh and also, whilethe goal of these analyses isn’t to tell you who a certain song of Taylor’s is orisn’t about I cannot quite help but attribute Love Story to Emily Poe. You know, Taylor’s first semi-publicgirlfriend? The girl who played the violin for Taylor in her early career onlyto then be fired on vague grounds somehow connected to the “negative influence”she was supposedly having on Taylor’s image.

This song is on thesame album as Breathe a song withmore than a few queer elements that Taylor has all but publicly stated waswritten for Emily. (Here’s a Taymily master post by @karlieskupkake for anyonewho’s interested)

Anyway, I just wantedto point that out since I may mention Taymily in the analysis. As always though,any interpretation of the song I offer below is nothing but my own speculationand I’m obviously not claiming it to be fact.

Okay now let’s lookat Taylor’s song, one of her most popular ones in fact. On the surface we havea song that’s using references to one of the world’s most famous hetero lovestories to tell its own hetero love story, fairly unoriginal really. But if wedig a little deeper we have a queer retelling of Romeo & Juliet with SPOILER ALERT: a happy ending! Pretty cool,right?

Lyrics cred onceagain goes to AZLyrics, this time with no edits from me.

–

We were both young when I first saw you.

I close my eyes and the flashback starts:

I’m standing there on a balcony in summer air.

–

These opening lines almost immediately lay out the Romeo & Juliet narrative by invokingimages of a girl on a balcony which is a clear reference to the source materialas her balcony is the first place Juliet has a proper conversation with herlove interest Romeo in Shakespeare’s play. Romeo and Juliet are also bothindeed very young when the events of the play unfolds, but the fact that Taylorthinks back on the events in her own life (the “flashback” part) that she’schosen to explore with the help of Romeo& Juliet suggests one key difference between Shakespeare’s story andthe story Taylor is telling. Unlike Romeo (the character I’d argue she plays inthis narrative, despite what she tries to tell us) she’s alive to think back onher time spent with “Juliet.”  

–

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns.

See you make your way through the crowd

And say, “Hello.”

Little did I know…

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles

–

So, like I said, Tay- I mean Romeo is thinking back onher time spent with Emi- I mean Juliet. Just like the characters in the play it’splainly stated that the lovers from the song met at a ball and had a briefinteraction there, not knowing what they’d later come to mean to each other.

I think the party part (no pun intended) is mostlythere to keep the references to the play going, it’s probably not suggestingthat Taylor and her girlfriend met at an actual ball, but perhaps they also metfor the first time briefly and in a formal setting and a room full of people,not knowing they’d come to be important to each other in a personal way?

–

And my daddy said, “Stay away from Juliet.”

And I was crying on the staircase

Begging you, “Please don’t go.”

–

If we’re to believe the hetero narrative the song istrying to put forth Taylor is playing the role of Juliet and her MALE loveinterest is Romeo, right? Well, in these lines she tries to point this out tous as to #NoHomo-proof the song. She’s now explicitly stating thather lover is Romeo and then she implies that her father tells Romeo to leaveand stay the hell away from his daughter.

However these lines always struck me as a little weird…It’salmost as if Taylor’s dad is telling HER to stay away from Juliet, don’t youthink?

It’s unspecified who the dad is talking to when hesays to stay away from Juliet and then Taylor is immediately telling us what she’s doing, not what the male love isdoing. As if those words are directed at her,not him. She’s only saying she was upset by them, but not specifying how theyimpacted the male who they were supposedly spoken to.

Additionally, when she begs the love interest not togo Taylor’s doing what she usually does, despite having just told us that thelove interest is Romeo she’s now having them be gender neutral, not calling him“him” she’s done #NoHomo-proofing for now.

So to summarize,with our queer googles on the scene Taylor is painting looks something likethis: Taylor is told by her “father,” or perhaps more likely, label or managementthat she can no longer see her girlfriend. This upsets Taylor and reduces herto tears as she begs “Juliet” not to leave her.

–

And I said…Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.

I’ll be waiting; all that’s left to do is run.

You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess,

It’s a love story, baby, just say “Yes”.

–

After that daring little “you” in place of “him”Taylor takes us to the chorus by once again reminding us that the other person inthis story is a BOY named ROMEO. Just in case we got confused by all thatgender-neutrality and started wondering which lover is playing which part.

Anyway, after once again shouting “NO, HOMO, GUYS!!”At us Taylor is saying she’d very much like to be alone with her love so thatthey can have a private and perfect love story. She’s suggesting they run awaytogether and begging for her girl to say yes to the idea (Call It What You Want, anyone?)

She also throws in some more#NoHomo for good measure, this time by referring to herself as a princess andto her BOYFRIEND as a prince.

Remember in my analysisof Angelina when I said Taylor was using “princess” as a metaphor fora heterosexual girl? Yeah, she’s doing that again, but this time she’s describingherself as the “typical princess” that in Angelinashe said she’d never be. 🤔

–

So I sneak out to the garden to see you.

We keep quiet ‘cause we’re dead if they knew

So close your eyes,

Escape this town for a little while.

–

Here Taylor’s talking about a secret relationship andhaving to hide the love, wishing they could just be far away from where theyare so that they could love openly, pretty queer, right? Interestingly a famousquote from Taylor about Love Story statesthat while she choose to tell the story by relating it to Romeo & Juliet she relates more to the song as being about “alove that you cannot really elaborate on — a love that maybe society wouldn’taccept or maybe your friends wouldn’t accept.“ (x) Once again, pretty damnqueer!

–

‘Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter,

And my daddy said, “Stay away from Juliet.”

But you were everything to me,

I was begging you, “Please don’t go.”

–

Something interesting happens here, Taylor refers toherself (or perhaps her girlfriend, if we’re sticking with the idea that Taylorherself is Romeo) as a “scarlet letter” this is another literary reference asit alludes to Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel TheScarlet Letter from 1850. In the novel this girl Hester falls in love withthis dude named Dimmesdale and they have a kid together out of wedlock which wasa big no-no in those days. To make everyone aware of Hester’s “crime” she hasto wear the letter A in bold scarlet on her chest at all times. Many litprofessors and such agree that the letter in the context of the novel symbolizessin. (Ha, I KNEW that lit degree I’m in the process of getting would be goodfor something!)

Many homophobes consider homosexuality a sin and so I thinkthat line is simply Taylor warning everyone involved that if she and hergirlfriend were to publicly date it’d be societal suicide. In the sense that alot of society would look at them as “sinners” or mark them as odd or out ofthe norm, just as if they were wearing a giant red A on them at all times, they’llalways stand out and society would always be aware of it.  

She may also be talking about how being in a publicrelationship with another girl would “mark” her a “gay artist” and limit hercareer, as if she was wearing a giant L for lesbian everywhere she went. To stop this from happening “daddy” (or Taylor’s management/label) isstepping in to stop the girls from going down the path of being publiclytogether. 

With the you were everything tome, I was begging you please don’t go-line though Taylor is, at least for amoment suggesting she doesn’t care about the consequences of being with hergirlfriend, professional OR personal ones, the girl is worth it all.

–

(Chorus)

–

Romeo, save me. They’re trying to tell me how to feel.

This love is difficult but it’s real.

Don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out of this mess.

It’s a love story, baby, just say “Yes”.

–

Interesting fact: the original lyrics here was allegedly“This love is DIFFERENT, but it’s real” 🌈🌈🌈  

Anyway, with these lines Ibelieve that Taylor is trying to reassure her love that while management orother various outside forces are trying to tell them how to feel (aka “don’t begay, it’s bad” again, teaching children internalized homophobia is fun, right? 🤢) or advising them to break up for the benefit of Taylor’scareer etc. that’s not what she wants and she wants them to fight for theirlove and she’s encouraging “Juliet” to agree that they’ll try to stick togetherthroughout all of this, closeted if they have to.

–

I got tired of waiting

Wondering if you were ever coming around.

My faith in you was fading

–

This is the part of Romeo & Juliet where Juliet is waiting for Romeo to sneak backto see her so that they can work out an escape plan and be together far awayfrom their feuding families, but she’s starting to fear he won’t actually showup. If we assume this song is about Taymily this is where their story would’ve ended,right? Emily is fired and they give in to the pressure from management and breakthe relationship off never to associate with each other ever again…Meanwhile inthe play Romeo and Juliet both die, everything is super upsetting, but THEN…

–

When I met you on the outskirts of town.

And I said…Romeo, save me. I’ve been feeling so alone.

I keep waiting for you, but you never come.

Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think.

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring andsaid…

–

Taylor decides to go against both the canon of theplay and her own reality by giving the star-crossed lovers a happy ending. It’seven implied that perhaps this last part is imagined (is this in my head? I don’t know what to think) but regardless,just when she’s given up hope Taylor is reunited with her lover and proceeds to tell “Juliet” all about how lonely her “Romeo” has been without her, Then suddenlyshe decides to use a pronoun for her love interest for the first time in thesong and of course it’s a “him” and now “he’s” proposing. This is (almost) Taylor’slast desperate attempt to #NoHomo-proof this queer af song.

–

Marry me, Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone.

I love you, and that’s all I really know.

I talked to your dad – go pick out a white dress

It’s a love story, baby, just say “Yes”.

–

Hi, thanks for sticking with me so far and um, welcometo the best part of the song! You see, it turns out Taylor was #NoHomo:ing like crazy in this song for a REASON. In what is perhaps her gayest lyrics ever to date Taylor finally fully steps into her rightfulrole as Romeo and proposes to her Juliet. This isn’t the first time Taylor hasstepped into the shoes of “the guy” in her songs in order to sing about a girlin a #NoHomo way. (She does this in Mine andOur Song among others) Taylor istelling Juliet that she loves her and that none of them should have to bealone, that they’ll figure out the rest as they go along. She then continuesthe proposal by stating she’s talked to Juliet’s dad (#NoHomo) or as we’vechosen to look at it management/the label and managed to convince theseopposing forces that the lovers should indeed be allowed to be together. With the white dress line Taylor is begging “Juliet”to take her back and say yes to being together once more so that their lovestory can get the ending it deserves.

–

Thanks for gettingall the way to the end! This song was considerably longer and more complex thanAngelina, but I hope you all enjoyedthe read and if you want me to look at another one of Taylor’s songs from aqueer perspective, don’t hesitate to send me an ask! 😊

#gaylor swift #kaylor #taymily #songs #queer analysis #asks

[my-dear-hammy]

Falling Through Time: Book 2

Masterpost

Jamilton Series Masterpost

Basking in Firelight

Part Sixty-One

Check

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Warnings: Bickering, and nsfw

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"-concluding, outwardly, public homosexual affections to be totally outlawed," Hamilton finished reading the draft of the bill Adams was currently dealing with.

"It's not outlawing homosexuals completely, but it's still disgusting," Thomas stated. He was lying on the couch, head propped up on an armrest as Hamilton lies on top of him, reading the bill from Jefferson's phone. Burr had texted it to him.

"It sounds like King George," Hamilton spat, tossing Jefferson's phone on the floor by the couch.

"Are you still going on with your theories?" Jefferson asked.

"Yes. If anything this only confirmed them."

"Remember the Sedition Acts he passed during his first presidency? These are the modern version of those."

"What? No, I agreed with those."

"They took away the freedom of speech, of the press. Not to mention making it harder for people to become free citizens of the United States," Jefferson reminded him.

"All necessary precautions for the upcoming war with France. This is completely different."

"Unnecessary precautions. They were refugees fleeing from the bloody streets of the French Revolution, not spies."

"I thought you liked the French Revolution?" Hamilton smirked. Goddamnit, Jefferson hated getting into these arguments with Hamilton, only because he loved them so much. They usually turned into heated, passionate debates and then paired with the fact that Hamilton was on top of him...

Not fair.

"I liked the idea behind it. I don't like what it turned into," Jefferson answered.

"They may have been refugees, but the acts were put in place to prevent spies and terrorists and the lot. If they weren't guilty, they had nothing to worry about."

"You just like them because if anyone refuted anything the government said, they'd get arrested and thrown in jail. Which gave your party a massive edge since Adams was a Federalist too," Jefferson pointed out as he absentmindedly ran his fingers lightly over the strip of Hamilton's exposed skin where his shirt had ridden up slightly.

"Not true!" Hamilton shot back, shifting slightly, accidentally exposing more skin.

"It is true and you know it," Jefferson hummed.

"Despite the consequences, it was helpful."

"All it did was just make the lives of hundreds of people even more brutal. Do you know how many people fled across the border in fear of being deported back to France? Do you really think they were spies?"

"The ones that stayed probably were."

"Alexander, you thought I was a spy."

"And how much sensitive information did you accidentally give the French Ambassador in casual conversation while complaining about me?"

Damn it, he had a point. "And what about everything you accidentally told the English ambassador that was always stuck to your hip while complaining about me, darling?"

Damn it, Jefferson had a point. "This has nothing to do with what's happening today," Hamilton redirected the conversation. Jefferson smirked.

"Let's not do this right now," Jefferson hummed in response, lightly kissing Hamilton's neck and gently sucking. That's the precise moment Hamilton noticed Jefferson fingers lightly grazing along his skin, tracing his scars, sending shivers up his spine, and the growing hardness pressing against his back. So Hamilton did what anyone would do in this situation. He carried on the conversation like nothing was happening, shifting his weight ever so slightly so it settled right between Jefferson's legs, just to drive him crazy. Jefferson hissed slightly but just continued working at Hamilton's neck.

"-and if you think about, it all fits together perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle," Hamilton finished reciting another conspiracy theory.

"You know what else fits together like a jigsaw puzzle?" Jefferson asked.

"What's that?"

"Us," Jefferson hissed in his ear, wrapping his arms around Hamilton's body and tightening them together. Hamilton could definitely feel the bulge underneath him now. Hamilton really wanted to see how long Jefferson could hold out, Jefferson was an extremely patient man. In fact, Hamilton wanted to see who would wait longer for something, Jefferson or Burr.

"And Lincoln Logs," Hamilton said.

"What?" Jefferson asked, stopping for a moment at the confusing comment.

"Lincoln Logs. They fit together like a puzzle too." Jefferson rolled his eyes and ran his fingers along Hamilton's ribs. Hamilton suppressed a shudder, "And Legos too, I suppose."

"Alexander," Jefferson said, pulling away from Hamilton's neck, "you're crazy."

"You know who's crazy? Mulligan. I love the guy. He's great."

Jefferson was beginning to wonder if Hamilton even had a train of thought and not just a cannon shooting random thoughts into his mind. "That's nice, darlin," Jefferson hummed.

"And when you get Lafayette drunk. Jesus Christ."

Jefferson knew exactly what Hamilton was doing and he was so not going to play his game.

Fairly.

Jefferson stepped up his game, letting his long, violinist fingers continue tracing his ribs. The other hand, however, slipped down and grazed along Hamilton's inner thigh instead. When there was a slip on Hamilton's utterings, Jefferson knew he had him.

"Without you and your lackies pressuring him into signing through something so unconstitutional, I doubt we'll have anything to worry about."

"You're just salty because I got the Sedition Acts to pass last time through those very same means."

®®®

Jefferson's fingers grazed higher and Hamilton couldn't help but open up his legs slightly. "Absolutely. I wanted to smack you around so badly. It was completely against the Constitution."

"Are you sure you weren't thinking of fucking me?"

Jefferson's hand stilled and he leaned forward into Hamilton a little more, ghosting his teeth over the skin of his neck. "I want to smack you for the Sedition Acts, but I wanted to fuck you for the debate you had behind it."

Jefferson could feel Hamilton's body flood with heat. Hook, line, now for the sinker. His eyes traveled long the smaller man's body and a satisfied smirk spread across his face once they fixed on the growing bulge in Hamilton's pants. It matched with what Jefferson was feeling delightfully.

"The impropriety," Hamilton simpered.

"Are you saying that when I dragged your ass in Washington's cabinet time and time again, you didn't feel the same way?"

"Dragged me? You mean I dragged you."

Jefferson grinned against his neck and slipped his hand higher, resting his hand on Hamilton. "This suggests otherwise."

Hamilton hissed, pressing back against Jefferson, which probably didn't help his evasion since that put his ass forcefully on Jefferson's own growing erection. "Thomas," he said, "Are we talking politics, or are we fucking? Because we can't do both."

"I'd beg to differ. I'm about to do both right now," he said, massaging Hamilton through his pants.

Hamilton exhaled, his hips twitching as he tried not to react to Jefferson's actions. "I don't hear any political talk," Hamilton ground out.

"Do I need to make my position more clear?" Jefferson asked. "Is my hand playing with your dick not enough to show that I'm against this new bill?"

"Maybe you should fuck me on stage while giving a speech," Hamilton smirked, placing his hand on top of Jefferson's and guiding it away from his dick and to the button of his pants.

"What a splendid idea," Jefferson replied, undoing his pants and smoothly pulling down the zipper. "How should I do it?" he asked, sliding his hand up Hamilton's stomach and back down, slipping his hand beneath the waistband of his boxers. "Lie you down on stage, straddle and just fuck you there?" His hand wrapping around the smooth shaft. Hamilton bit his lip and dropped his head back. "How about I put you on your hands and knees. Makes you face the crowd while I pound into you from behind. That way they can hear me speak, fuck you, and you moan my name the entire time." Jefferson's thumb ran up along him.

"Thomas," Hamilton said breathlessly.

"Or maybe, I should just bend you over the podium and take you like that," Jefferson stated, pumping Hamilton firmly. A small sound escaped the man's lips.

"Thomas," he started moving his hips, pumping himself into Jefferson's hand. "You've made your point."

Jefferson's own eyes were closed, just as Hamilton's were at this point, taking in the feeling of Hamilton's ass moving and pressing against him as the man pumped himself into Thomas' hands, steadily growing faster. Both their heads were hanging back and Hamilton's breathing was growing more rapid as his speed increased. "Thomas, are you going to do something?"

"You seemed to be doing a pretty good job of it yourself."

"You asshole," Hamilton growled quietly, thrusting more forcefully. "Least you could do is move your hand with me."

Jefferson smirked into his neck. "I thought you wanted to talk politics?"

"I thought you wanted to do both?"

Jefferson's unoccupied hand slid from where it rested under Hamilton's shirt, down and under his ass, squeezing, before starting to work his pants off. "I am doing both."

"I don't hear any politics."

"I'm afraid if I mention Adams, it'll turn you off."

"I can't believe you're friends with that man."

"You just don't like him because he won't let you control him."

"You're right. That was a turn off."

Jefferson chuckled, making his grip around Hamilton tighter. "Really? Because you don't seem turned off at all."

"Thomas," Hamilton breathed, thrusting into Thomas' hand and letting himself fall back down against Jefferson's hardness, forcing a grunt from the man's lips.

"As I was saying," Jefferson continued, having used the opportunity to bare Hamilton's ass and freeing his dick completely. "I highly doubt this anti-homosexual bill will pass. Adams has more sense than that."

"And if he doesn't?"

"He does." Jefferson loosened his grip despite Hamilton's noise of protest and simply rubbed his thumb around the tip, smearing precum. He was busy coating his fingers in saliva and didn't want Hamilton getting too far along before the fun started.

"You seem certain. What if there's someone pushing him to pass it? We could end up having to start all over again before we know it."

"Burr won't let it through. He has to sign it as well," Jefferson reminded.

"Oh yes, because we can be sure to count on Burr," Hamilton said sarcastically.

"I dunno. He's always seemed good at shooting things down," Jefferson grinned.

"Thomas," Hamilton said seriously, stilling. "That's not funny."

"I apologize," Jefferson said, starting to pump Hamilton again. "I have a feeling Burr won't let it pass for reasons of his own."

Hamilton breathed, starting to move with Jefferson's hand. "Which would be?"

"You haven't noticed," Jefferson asked, tightening his grip and pumping faster. "The way his gaze seems to linger on a certain someone?"

Hamilton bucked off Jefferson, moaning quietly. "No. Who?" He dropped his weight back down, only to gasp out sharply, arching his back.

Jefferson grinned, marking Hamilton's neck as the man squirmed around Jefferson's fingers, which he landed and penetrated himself on when he came back down. "Thomas," he moaned. "You sly asshole."

Jefferson wiggled his fingers. "Who me? You did that yourself. And my my, you're already nice and loose."

"That's what happens when you fuck me regularly."

"What else were we supposed to do? We were stuck in the house together by an unruly mob bent on our coupling."

®®®

***

"I'm surprised you weren't more upset about what Adams is trying to do," Hamilton said. They were lying together in bed while Hamilton traced circles on Jefferson dark skin.

Jefferson sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, stretching out his arms before standing. "I'm pissed. But not at Adams. I know he won't let it through. I mad that it got that far. All the way through Congress? So quickly? That pisses me off."

Hamilton rolled on his side and watched Jefferson pull on a robe, "You don't seem like it."

"That's because I don't start screaming in people's faces when I'm pissed like someone I know."

"Shut the fuck up."

Jefferson turned toward him and grinned, closed the distance between them with one long stride, and planted a kiss right on Hamilton's lips. "Make me," he growled and pulled away, going back to what he was doing.

"So what're we going to do about it?"

"We've gotta stop this bill in its tracks. There's only one course of action that's guaranteed to get us somewhere."

"Oh? And what's that?"

"We run for president again."

Hamilton smiled, "I thought you retired."

"I did. And now I'm going to spend my retirement making sure no one screws up this country before I die."

"Presidents then."

Of course, they still had a while before they could actually do that. Adams' term had to end and elections to take place. Until then, Jefferson focused on rebuilding his fortune and Hamilton got a job as a lawyer. Jefferson would have as well, but his business took him out of state a lot and he couldn't juggle cases along with it.

Hamilton ended up proving himself as an excellent lawyer once again and raked in a good income, enough for them to keep Jefferson's house and for Hamilton to book a hotel room, at a discounted price, of course, he was a war hero and ex-president after all.

As time passed, Jefferson slowly got his investments smoothed out and his income grew as well, allowing him to eventually rebuy all the land he had sold. Hamilton was extremely tempted to write to Congress and just ask for a reimbursement for Jefferson's lost money, so tempted in fact, that at one point he had a pen in hand and paper on the desk before him. He knew that Jefferson would be upset if he did and they had a livable income now. If it had been Hamilton's money, he would have done it ages ago, but it wasn't, so he set down his pen with a sigh.

That's when someone pounded on Hamilton's door. When he opened it, he was shocked to find a breathless Laurens bent over his knees, trying to catch his breath after running so hard.

"Alex!" he half yelled, half gasped for air, "Thank God you're home!"

"What is it, John?" Hamilton knew something was wrong, Laurens was pale and sweaty, shaking slightly. He wouldn't have run if there wasn't something wrong. Hamilton reached forward and steadied him as John gulped down air.

"The Manor. Trouble."

"Breathe, John. Tell me what happened." Hamilton was already dialing Jefferson.

"Goveys at the Manor. Adams, Burr and everyone else in trouble. Don't know how it happened," he said slightly more clearly, still breathing hard.

"Fuck."

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