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peace-coast-island · 21 days

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Diary of a Junebug

Finding our inner peace in the tranquil mountains by taking it slow

Compared to Yuexing Harbor, the pace and atmosphere of Danyang Village is tranquil and slow paced. The village really embodies the idea of slow living, I can’t help but feel myself letting go and just going along with the flow. The countryside in general tends to be more still, especially in a place known for cultivating plants, like tea leaves in this case. It’s a lot of hard work, but to them, it’s meditative work, which is an interesting perspective.

While a setting like that can be relaxing, it can also be stifling for some. Shiwen grew up in Danyang Village and was expected to take over his family’s tea business. However, he had other aspirations that led him to move up north to Liaoyuan Harbor. Connie and Pai met him in Yuexing Harbor and accompanied him back to Liaoyuan during the beginning of Lunar New Year celebrations. With the festivities going on, a lot of stuff happened that made for a memorable holiday, like setting up an elaborate scheme to help Shiwen reconcile with his father.

So, it’s the usual new year, new start kind of thing. Connie and Pai, along with a couple other friends were helping someone move to the city - the timing wasn’t intentional, it just kinda happened. Because the streets were gonna be busy with setting up for the festivities, they had to work pretty quickly to avoid getting stuck in the middle of all that. Luckily, they managed to finish ahead of time with a couple more extra hands, Shiwen being one of them as he was at the harbor delivering stuff for the festival.

As it turns out, Shiwen happens to be acquainted with Shusheng, the one who just moved to the city, and so she insisted that he stick around a bit before heading back home. He accepted because he was done for work since it’s a holiday, plus, he wanted to meet Connie and Pai after hearing about them. He’s the definitely the type who makes friends easily, putting everyone at ease with his easygoing nature and upbeat attitude.

Since Shusheng was planning to make a trip to Liaoyuan, the four of them planned to leave together. However, something came up that Shusheng had to take care of, so she told the others to go on ahead. Shiwen decided to take Connie and Pai through the scenic route by boat along the river, which crosses through the mountains and ruins.

Having been on that ride - except in the opposite direction - I can say that the scenery is worth the extra travel time! I haven’t seen much of Yuexing’s mountains even though they make up most of the country’s landscape. The land is full of high cliffs buried under a sea of clouds, places where earth meets sky, which is like a big symbolic thing there. Some of the cliffs are considered sacred places, especially the ones where certain mythical beasts reside, so you must take care not to disturb the land if you happen to pass by. Connie and Pai actually know some of them, describing them as wise and majestic, while also eccentric and a bit awkward.

During the boat ride, they got to really know each other through snacks and genial chatter. Shiwen revealed that he moved to Liaoyuan to pursue his dreams of being a performer, joining the local theater troupe as well as work part-time as a guard to pay the bills. He also touched on the fact that he left home on bad terms with his father because he didn’t approve of his decision to pursue the performing arts instead of taking over the family business, which is why he’s been trying to keep busy during the holidays.

It sucks when you don’t see eye to eye with your parents, especially when they can be rigid in their mindset. I get having high hopes and expectations, but I think some parents fail to understand that their kids aren’t an extension of them, and are instead their own separate person. There’s nothing wrong with wanting what’s best for your kids, but it does them no good to force into something they’re not.

Forcing someone into a corner and expecting them to go along with it is just never gonna work. Even if they do go along with it, I wouldn’t blame them for feeling resentful - that’s something I’ve seen with some people. And what’s worse is that it’s often a cycle of “That’s just the way life works” kind of thing. In other words, shut up and suffer in silence. Not an ideal way to live, but for some, they literally have no other choice.

It wasn’t until I was older when I realized how lucky I was to be raised by a mom who wasn’t pushy or placed super high expectations on me because I’m the eldest daughter. Sure, she pushes me sometimes, but that’s because she knows what I’m capable of, and being the firstborn, I’m supposed to set a good example and such. Now that I think about it, I also lucked out in not being burdened with responsibilities of being a second parent like some elder siblings.

Basically, I was raised under high expectations, but never to the point where I was pressured to live as someone I’m not, and I’m grateful for that. Even if we don’t always see eye to eye on some things, at least I know my mom respects my decisions - as long as I’m reasonable - and just wants me to be happy and worry free, like what any good parent wants for their kids. After all, your life is yours, and so you should be allowed to live on your own terms, even if it means inevitably disappointing your parents if what you is different from what they want. If your parents are understanding, they’ll come around, and if not, well, that’s their loss.

Thankfully, things are a lot better between Shiwen and his father are a lot better now that they’re finally talking. When Shusheng learned about his family situation, she orchestrated an elaborate plan to get them to reconcile. Things didn’t go exactly as planned, especially since Shiwen quickly figured out what was going on, not to mention that most of Shusheng’s accomplices are, as Pai put it, not the best at acting natural. Still, in the end, everything worked out in its own way and Shiwen put on a show stopping performance during the ceremony that easily made him the highlight of the night.

They obviously still have a long way to go, though it’s safe to say that Shiwen and his father are gonna be all right. After seeing his son’s performance, he finally realized that it was no longer a pipe dream, which was a huge step in the right direction. And for the first time in years, Shiwen decided to visit home, which he says hasn’t changed too much from what he remembered. Most of the villagers are close to one another, so word spread quickly about Shiwen’s return. It’s sweet that everyone wanted to greet him, but at the same time it’s awkward having a bunch of old people surrounding you and asking a million questions. Good thing his father was bale to rescue him - and us - by saying that he wanted to show the visitors around the village, which was kinda true.

Along the way, we ran into a couple familiar faces - Topaz, Mischa, Ruby, and Beryl. Since Liaoyuan is directly across from Petrichor Harbor in Marippe, it’s not uncommon for people to come over for a change of scenery without too much cost or hassle. Just make sure you have some form of ID before entering either city unless you want to be pulled aside for questioning. As long as you’re not causing any trouble, it’s easy to travel between the two countries - you literally just get in and out by boat.

Topaz and Mischa are collaborating on a project that involves processing tea, so they’re in Danyang Village for research. Tea’s a big thing in Marippe culture too, though obviously theirs is a lot different compared to Yuexing’s, not only in terms of flavor, but social customs as well.

Now that Mischa’s officially working under the institute, he can freely travel for research purposes. He didn’t intend to stick around Marippe for the long term, but his mother’s former colleagues took a liking to him and he ended up taking an interest in a research project they’re working on. In fact, part of the reason why he came to Marippe in the first place had to do with that, especially since it was a loose end his mother had left behind. He says that least he can do as her successor is to pick up where she left off and hopefully build something of his own out of that to honor her.

Since they’re here to learn about Danyang Village’s tea making, why not take a look inside one of their businesses? Shiwen’s father gave us permission to look around and ask questions, handing us off to his nephew, who gave us a quick tour. Since Topaz and Mischa are here for research, they got a more in-depth look that allowed them to access the rooms that are usually restricted to employees and really get into the technical stuff. It was a lot of fascinating stuff that really opened my eyes to the art of making tea.

Beryl and Ruby are tagging along as lab assistants, though it’s more that Beryl does a lot of the talking, like making introductions and asking for directions since approaching strangers is no issue for him while Ruby acts like a bodyguard to keep the others out of danger. Truth is, Ruby admits that she really only tagged along so she could try Yuexing tea and desserts, though she’s got to earn her reward first by helping the guys out. Thankfully, probably because it’s quieter out here, it’s a relatively safe area where the chances of you getting jumped are practically zero. However, if you’re in the mountains, you’re taking your chances with the wild beasts, which tend to be unpredictable. Beryl did say that Ruby has a keen sense of perception that’s a lifesaver when they’re in unfamiliar settings.

Along with visiting the village and learning about the tea culture, we’ve been exploring the nearby mountains overlooking the village. At the highest point, we can also see Liaoyuan and Petrichor. Right between them is a waterfall as Marippe is elevated, so both harbors are designed around that natural barrier. Beryl says it’s the same with Port Maritoise with a giant waterfall serving as a natural border. Nature really is interesting, isn’t it?

Our days mainly consist of dim sum, harvesting tea leaves, mountain hikes, picnics, and meditation. There’s a lot to explore, and we would’ve gone deeper into the mountains as the scenery is said to be absolutely breathtaking - which is saying a lot as the view we’re seeing right now is already so beautiful. Really, the only reason why we’re sticking close to the village is because Shiwen, Connie, and Pai aren’t too familiar with the landscape, especially in the areas where nature has completely overtaken the ruins, so it’s understandable that they’re not too comfortable with just wandering around those areas. Exploring a new place is a lot of fun, but it also has its risks as well.

Though that’s not to say that we won’t be able to check out those places some day. In fact, since things are bit slow right now, Connie plans to stick around and take the time to really explore the mountains. They’ve made enough trips to get a general idea of the area, though it’ll take a lot more than that to get familiar with the land as there are some notable differences compared to south Yuexing.

Meditating in the mountains was nice and relaxing. To me, I feel like meditation can either be a hit or a miss for me. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t - it’s one of those things everyone hypes up when it reality, it’s just not for everyone. I mean, I get it, but it takes extra effort for me to even get into the right mindset to be able to do it. Maybe my mind is too restless, I don’t know. But like I said, the scenery here’s so tranquil that I was able to meditate and it felt nice. The cool breeze and warm sun is so calming, like I could nod off at any second if I was the kind of person who could easily fall asleep.

Of course, I brought some things to do up here, notably my journal and my knitting. I was debating bringing a project that’s almost finished versus one that I’m just starting. I opted for the former because I’m at a point where I don’t have to math. Plus, I am like on the last step, which is the double knitted button band, so I want to get that done.

I have to say, despite the difficult start with me not understanding Italian cast-on (I legit was rewatching the tutorial and redoing it for an hour!), it didn’t take me long to finally get things moving once I started knitting. It is slow going, but the result is so much worth it as it gives such a clean look that you see in store bought cardigans. As with anything you try for the first time, it’s not gonna be perfect, though I am surprised at how good it looks. When I posted a pic on a knitting server I follow I got comments saying that my stitches are so nice and even, which is a good thing as maintaining tension isn’t always easy.

It’s not perfect, especially at the start, but I know blocking will even out the slightly wonky parts. The buttonholes were a bit tedious and I’m not looking forward to weaving those ends in, but I do like the finished look. It wasn’t until I was on the last buttonhole when I found a tutorial for a method that involves not breaking the yarn for the buttonholes that doesn’t look too difficult. At least now I’m almost at the neck and at this point it’s just all straight double knitting throughout.

I wish I could experience more moments like this where I just feel so at peace with myself. A place where time slows and stretches out, like watching grains of sand falling inside an hourglass. I feel grounded, yet I could easily float away in the clouds.

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#animal crossing pocket camp #animal crossing #diary of a junebug #headcanon ramble

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loveenji · 25 days

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Hi, it’s 5 am and I can’t sleep because I drank coffee earlier. A lot of thoughts are rushing through my mind. Thinking about how this has been technically my first official relationship. I trust my partner. I was just thinking about how scary that is. I guess, I can say that it freaks me out when there’s something I can’t control. And I acknowledge that this is something beyond my control— his actions towards the trust I put in him, the things he do, etc. Thing is, I accept that. I remembered in some random landi experience, someone made me feel like I’m crazy. Maybe, I’m actually crazy. But tracing back, I think it’s me reacting about something I can’t control and it’s more of fear. Now, my partner is very much wonderful and never makes me feel bad about my feelings. However, I still feel afraid of trusting. I think the fear will always be there but I trust him anyways. At the back of my mind, I’m scared of the uncertainty but he’s made me feel safe not just physically, but emotionally. Little by little, I’m learning to let go of things that’s out of my control. I actually am quite surprise with myself. I’d often overthink a lot about different scenarios that would cause me anxiety and I wouldn’t calm down until I get to hear what I wanna hear. However, I’m slowly unlearning that. I think this comes from a greater fear of being trapped in a relationship where I am not loved and wanted. I would rather much be alone than someone staying with me cause it benefits them, or that they pity me, or just cause we’ve been together for a long time. I don’t wanna be scared of being alone nor starting again. Being with someone but miserable is way scarier. That has been the force that drove me to try and let things go and focus on things I can do. I still have so much work to do to heal from this. Changing my mindset is one step and I’m proud of myself for it. Although, I also know that healing isn’t linear. I may not be like this on some days but I know I’m trying. And my partner has been good on assuring me and giving me security in our relationship. I love my boyfriend so much and I’m thankful for the peace he’s given me. It’s just weird how at some point, I never thought this would be possible. I thought it’s normal that you’ll always overthink and get scared of things especially as a person with anxious attachment style. It was never easy and it might even come to a point when you’d be suffocating for your partner. Luckily for me, he has handled me so well on times I’ve been vulnerable about my feelings. Never invalidated me, but at the same time he doesn’t tolerate me when I’m wrong.

Forgot to add— that this goes both ways. That if I’m feeling anxious about some things, he prolly does too.

#en #relationship #love

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uncertain-nerd · 6 months

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I wrote this a while ago, in the depths of burnout and a depressive episode. I am really glad that I’ve kinda come out on the other side, and decided to add thoughts from my current self.

——————————————————————————

I used to be energetic. Wound up like a spring loaded toy, constantly running back and forth without an end in sight. I was productive, I took care of myself.

I am now slow, tired, and neglectful towards myself. The spring unwound, and I can’t find a replacement. I don’t want to find a replacement, because being wound up deprived me of my identity.

Update: ??? Weeks later

I don’t think it deprived me of my identity. I did get extremely burnt out, because I didn’t know how to rest properly and didn’t know what my boundaries were. As a result, I became extremely exhausted to the point where I could no longer keep up with anything, and doing nothing all the time also made me very depressed. I think I told myself that now I was “aware” of the depressing nature of real life, and that functioning like I used to (that is, depending on things like compulsory purchases, bad friends, extremely high standards, and social media to keep me afloat) was no longer possible with the knowledge that I’ve obtained about myself and about others. However, after many months of thinking and observing, I’ve realized multiple things:

1. I wasn’t taking care of my mind or body at all, and therefore I was experiencing negative symptoms as a direct consequence.

2. Knowing about corruption and the destructive nature of our current society doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. The point is to know about the negatives and try to do my best to create positives that may contribute to some greater overall change.

3. There is no point in escaping from reality, because then I will be allowing it to continue existing in its current nature. I will also be making my own life harder because I’m avoiding responsibilities that are impossible to avoid or remove.

4. My personality, though obscured by insecurities and abuse in the past, is something I can continue to discover and learn about as I live onwards. I can make my life better for myself by knowing myself, and then I can move on to try to make life better for other people

5. I needed to rest. Sure, I may have “wasted” some time by doing nothing and being burnt out, but brute forcing my way through burnout will only lead to more burnout. I have accepted that I am at a point in my life where I need to rest and reevaluate things, and that means I won’t be able to be mega productive, and I won’t be able to live up to my previously high expectations.

6. The truth is, I’ve been gradually lowering my expectations for a while now, but still internally reprimanding myself for “underperforming.” I needed to step back and think about what I actually want to do in life, and it isn’t anything “extraordinary” or exceptional. I just want to feel at peace, and to be surrounded by people that treat me and everyone around them with respect and kindness. I want to live an ordinary, quiet life and die with no regrets. Participating in the endless competition for power and money and game is pointless, and seldom leaves anyone feeling like they’ve actually lived. I want to have a home, and a family, and hobbies, and friends, and to meet good people. I want to be unashamed of who I am, and to live, speak, and do freely as I please.

For context, I used to be one of the “gifted kids” and wanted to go to a top 10 med school but quickly crashed and burned in college when I was met with the fact that I had no idea how to manage my time or deal with things in a healthy way. Getting out of my very negative mindset took years, and I still struggle with anxious thoughts and poor self esteem. But I feel much more grounded, more aware of how life works, and very hopeful for the future. There is more work to be done, but I finally got rid of the constant feeling of dread, loneliness, and self hatred that I felt throughout my teenage years.

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lets-talk-spirituality · 1 year

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I feel very lost. I don’t have a job a boyfriend or honestly any local friends because i’ve moved around a lot. The past 2.5 years have been so draining and lonely for me. I keep getting told it’s for my growth good is coming love coming soon but nothing ever happens. I genuinely haven’t felt true happiness since before the pandemic it makes me want to give up :(

Is anything -messages or guidance - coming up for me please?

Oh anon. I honestly vibe with this sentiment deeply as another vagabond soul. I hope you feel some community here. I think it’s important to hold onto the fact that you were happy once. You can achieve it again.

You may want to consider talking to a doctor to see about antidepressants. But I’m not a doctor so I can’t really give advice. Just a testament to how much my antidepressants have helped me. Anyway, let’s see what spirit has up their sleeve.

You cannot be lost until you are found. I know this sounds backwards to you, but most things you know are backwards. You must know and understand things all ways. It is the times we feel the most assured of our direction in life that we are truly lost. Why? Because we have believed the illusion that our life is to be controlled and forced by myself. Not that it is a collective effort by the many above and others on this earth with us. We are all creating energy that impacts your life.

When you feel most out of control and lost, that is when you are living closest to your truth. But your job is to learn to cultivate peace and acceptance in this unknown space. To grow confidence in the unknown. You may feel lonely but it’s because you are not seeing the multitudes within yourself, within the spaces around you. You have cut off pieces of yourself and that creates your loneliness. You need to reclaim the pieces you keep trying to discard as not good enough. Love them instead. They want to be seen and understood just like other things. You are a community unto yourself. How can you give to the many sides of you, how can you bring them together? This is your lesson. As you create community within, it reflects to community without. Happiness is never the goal because many humans feel happiness in a heightened way, not as contentment. Emotions can be magical and make us feel much, but humans always want the extremes. Try to find balance and peace.

Quote coming up: “Perhaps everything that frightens us, is in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love”

Card Pull— Work Your Light Oracle

Inner Temple— devotion, tune into the portal of your heart.

Birthing a New Age— birthing new creations. Dreaming a new world into being.

I feel like both these cards confirm what I channeled. With inner temple, it’s calling to you to love those discarded pieces. To heal your own inner temple. Temples aren’t always for lone contemplation, they are also a place of community and spirit is urging you to commune with energies within yourself and within the cosmic world around you. Your inner temple can lead you to many things.

All this that you are doing, being urged to do is part of a collective mission we are all engaging in around shifting the mindset around career. You are being asked to carry your energetic weight to shift the collective. You do this by working on yourself and coming to accept the unknown. The more we can exist in the unknown instead of following the known limited routes, the more we can birth a new age because our own minds will cease contributing to archaic collective patterns. But we must all do our individual part by focusing on our own mindset and through doing this, we light the way for others.

I hope this helps! Would love to know how or if this resonates. Wishing you all the luck ✨

#channeled message

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adorerdraco · 4 years

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Healing Heart ✧ Draco x Reader Mini-Series PART 2

PART 1

Summary: PART 2 ! of Draco falling in love with reader during his sixth year (HBP) and dealing with the consequences of opening his heart to someone.

Warnings: angst !!! but just a little fluff as always, BLOOD, violence, more crying, very detailed sectumsempra scene, mentions of death

Words: 4.9K

A/N: omg i can’t believe so many people liked the first one and to everyone who left me a comment, I appreciate you so much you have no idea plsss you guys are so beautiful. but here is part 2 and I hope you guys like it as much as the first oneee !!!!!!!! this one got dramatic. I’m thinking of doing a part 3, but I’m not sure and i also want to make it be mostly fluff so PLS let me knowww <3 i do not own gif.

It was an awful feeling; the feeling of needing a specific someone to bring him a peace he so very much lacked in his life. It was a feeling of not being able to feel joy unless he had you by his side. He felt stupid and pathetic knowing he had made an even bigger mess of himself and regrettably of you. He felt more weak too, wondering to himself why he couldn’t stop crying and do what he needs to do without several potions or you with him to get him through the day.

He didn’t want to need anyone. He didn’t want to need help. He didn’t want to need advice.

“Why can’t I just do this?” he cried to himself one night in the room of requirement, kicking something by his foot across the floor in frustration. He stared at the dead bird in hopelessness, not wanting to move it from its spot in the vanishing cabinet. He had managed to send inanimate objects, but not living things and that was only a discovery he was able to make when you were still in his life.

It had been weeks, since he left you under the tree, broken and in tears. He regressed back into to his old ways of lacking proper self care, of sleeping and eating, his studies being the last thing on his mind, him distancing himself from his Slytherin friends again. It was right back to square one, maybe even below that this time.

In Potions, he didn’t dare look at you, ever. He moved to a seat in the very back of the class where he would be hidden from you and could sulk to himself in peace.

“Mr. Malfoy, forgive me as it is none of my business, but why are you no longer working with Miss Y/L/N?” Slughorn asked him one day as he came by to grade his potion.

“It is nothing of concern, Professor,” Draco answered bitterly, holding back the scowl that wanted to show but deciding against being any more rude to authority. “I just rather work by myself.”

“It’s a shame, Mr. Malfoy, you both were my star pupils,” Slughorn mixes the potion around, eyeing it with a frown. “Now the both of you are falling behind. This potion is not passing, you forgot to mix in the dried periwinkle leaves.”

Draco never noticed how you would glance at him throughout Potions class. Of course, he was ignoring you and you felt that nasty realization every time your eyes landed on the platinum blond.

You felt numb, to say the least. You cried for days and days on end. If you weren’t in class, you were in your dorm, wrapped underneath the covers wondering why someone you shared so much love and time with had dropped you with no explanation. You tried endlessly to get him to talk to you, cornering him in the corridors, going up to him in class, but he would ignore you until you went away. He never once met your eyes, and your heart broke more every time you saw the coldness in his icy gray’s that made you feel like you didn’t even exist to him.

Your roommates and friends had gotten involved, forcing you to take better care of yourself. Staying up and hugging you while you cried. Bringing you meals from the Great Hall into the dorm. Brushing your hair when it started to become matted. Encouraging you to divulge yourself in studies rather than your sadness.

“Y/N, you are so much more than what you’re feeling,” your closest friend whispered to you one night as you cried in her embrace. “You can’t keep going like this. It’s okay to cry and be sad, but this is eating you up. Remember how strong you are. Remember the healer you are trying to be. You’ve helped so many people, inside and out, let your friends help you now.”

You nodded sadly, and finally accepted the help your friends had been trying so desperately to give you. You allowed them to take you out into the Great Hall again for meals. To Hogsmead for a fun day out. To the courtyard where you guys would sit and just talk. It was nice, feeling your old and normal life coming to light again even if it was just for a couple hours. But when you couldn’t sleep at night and your mind wandered off to Draco, you felt that same empty feeling of a gaping hole in your heart sting at you.

There was nothing you could do or say anymore. The cornering him was getting desperate and made you feel weak. The ignoring was never going to stop. You didn’t cry anymore, forcing yourself to bottle up your feelings for him deep down into your mind, body and spirit to the point where you just tried your best to recognize him as a dream.

Your brain didn’t know any better, right?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Draco sat on the floor of his dorm, head resting against the side of his bed as he twiddled with the letter from his mother between his fingertips. His owl, Aquila, sat beside him and enjoyed the loving pets he was giving her with his other hand. It was rare she let him do this, but he figured it was because she felt that he might have possibly needed this. She nibbled on a crumb of a biscuit he gave her that she had brought with her on her journey from home. Draco sighed and opened the letter again, his eyes scanning over the perfect cursive of his mother’s handwriting once more.

My Dearest Draco,

How are you, my love? I feel as though we have gone too long without writing to each other. I must say, the Manor feels lonely without you and your father here, but the house elves have been keeping me company. They are quite entertaining, some of them. I do hope you enjoy the small pastries I sent with Aquila that the elves also send on their behalf.

I know the pain you are feeling, my son. I know it wears at you and I am deeply sorry that I cannot change it or help you. Please do entrust in Professor Snape, as he is the only one who can help you and understands your circumstances. You cannot get through this alone.

Please also remember that you are just a boy. In these times of turmoil, it is easy to lose yourself in your own despair. You are young, Draco, only 16 years of life and it has already failed you. Please find it in your heart to locate the little several joys in life that keep you going. Despite your situation, It is okay to be that 16 year old boy and revel in those joys for as long as you can before it is too late and they are no longer there. Do not succumb, it is what he wants.

I will always love you, and I hope to see you soon.

All my love,

Mother

He felt tears sting at his eyes, clutching the letter to his chest as if his mother had charmed it with the feeling of a hug. It wasn’t, but he swore he could feel it. He felt sad, knowing she was all alone in that house, but suddenly remembered that his aunt was seeking refuge with her at the Malfoy Manor and his mother left it out for the sake of keeping Bellatrix’s location secret. Seeing as she was a maddened Ex/Present Death Eater and escaped prisoner on the run. The thought of Bellatrix left a bitter and foul taste in his mouth, making him feel even worse that his mother was stuck at home with that beast who was nearly as bad as the Dark Lord himself. He didn’t care that that was her sister, his aunt, she had no empathy for anything, especially not for him. He recalls her telling him right before he went to school, that he should be grateful and honored for being entrusted with a task so important.

As much as Draco wanted nothing to do with his tasks, he didn’t ignore them. He begrudgingly let Bellatrix teach him Occlumency, something he desperately needed to learn and was now a little good at. He had even tried convincing himself that he needed to do this. It was all up to him. He was chosen for this. He hated it, but he was chosen nonetheless. And he would try with everything to save his family and to make them proud, even if it killed him.

He ignored the thoughts of his aunt and his dreadful life options, refocusing on the words his mother wrote to him. They echoed in his mind, imagining her saying them to him.

“It is okay to be that 16 year old boy and revel in those joys for as long as you can before it is too late and they are no longer there.”

His mind wandered to you, knowing full and well you were are the one and only joy in his life he so deeply desires. His mother’s words hit him hard, to the point where he almost ran out of his room to go look for you. Almost.

But he was stubborn and still couldn’t pull himself out of the mindset he had boxed himself in where he thought being with you would be worse in the end for you than not being with you.

So he went over to his desk, Aquila following him before flying up to the wooden surface where she perched herself in front of him as he sat down and pulled out a parchment and quill to begin his responding letter for his mother. He thanked her for the pastries, told her he would try his best in confiding in Snape, loosely promised he would fulfill her wishes of him finding some happiness, and gave her his love. He gave the letter to Aquila, smoothing the feathers on the top of her head one last time before she chirped and flew to the window and then out of his room and into the open dark starry sky.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

More weeks had gone by. And then a month. You were seeing less and less of Draco and for a healing heart, it was the best thing for you, but also the worst. He had even began skipping class as much as he could, not that anyone ever noticed, except you and Slughorn of course.

“Miss Y/L/N, may I have a word?” Slughorn came up to you while you were working on a potion with your friend. The same friend who had given up her seat to Draco who she now despised and regretted ever doing in the first place. She gave you and the professor a look before getting up and heading to the front of the class where she began to pick up vials and jars to store the potion.

“Of course, Professor,” you answer with a polite smile.

“I spoke to Mr. Malfoy about a month ago, he seemed rather distraught,” he began, placing a finger over his chin in thought. “I’m beginning to grow worried of the boy! Is there a reason he’s no longer showing up to class?”

You swallowed thickly before responding, “your guess is as good as mine, Professor.”

“Ah, well, one mustn’t pry too much,” he says. “Also, I’m pleased to see your marks improving in the last couple weeks. Keep up the good work, Miss Y/L/N.”

And with that the professor turned around and left to go check on other students, your friend returning.

“What’d he want?” She asked, setting the supplies down on the table.

“Wanted to know about, Mr. Malfoy,” you mocked quietly, your voice turning bitter when the name left your lips.

You knew Draco’s disappearance was your fault and you felt that twang of hurt beat against your chest thinking about it. That whole conversation with the Professor killed your entire mood. It wasn’t great to begin with, but the feeling of nothing had turned into hurt.

You were roughly stirring the cauldron, preparing to put the nearly finished potion into the two large jars so it could sit overnight. They were right beside your arm and you felt your elbow collide with the glasses, cringing internally when you heard them crash onto the ground and shatter. Luckily there was nothing in them, but you had still made a mess of glass. In your heat of embarrassment and with the people are you now staring at you, you forgot you could easily clean up your mess with magic so like a klutz, you instead bent down to pick up the shards of glass that scattered the floor with your bare hands.

A loud gasp left your mouth as you began to pick them up, feeling the largest piece of glass in your palm deeply slash the skin of your hand. You dropped it, feeling the blood begin to drip down your arms and onto the floor.

“Oh no, Y/N,” your friend sighed from above you, gripping onto your other arm and lifting you up. “Are you okay?”

The question was meant for your hand, but you felt it hit your soul just as it did whenever someone asked you that question when you were so overwhelmingly not okay. You shook your head no, the pain from your hand and your heart taking over you completely as tears began to trickle down your face.

Slughorn came up to the table, waving his wand over the mess of the floor and fixed the damage done to the vases and making the small puddle of blood disappear.

“Class is dismissed, students, you are free to go to the Great Hall for lunch,” Slughorn announced and everyone quickly packed up their things and hurried out except for you and your friend. The full-bellied Professor watched you with concern and you turned to your friend where she took your hand in hers and placed it palm up for you.

You shuddered, bringing up your wand to the cut and simply thought your healing spell before watching it completely fade into a faint light pink scar.

“I’m going to explain to Slughorn what happened and put away our stuff,” she says to you, a sad glint in her eyes. “Go clean yourself up and I’ll meet you at our table for lunch with everyone when you’re done.”

You could only pathetically nod before you slung your bag over your shoulder and trudged off into the direction of a bathroom. You decided to go up to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, wanting to be alone from everyone so you could clean yourself up in peace and also have a meltdown. You didn’t know why you wanted to torture yourself with the ghosted memories you shared with Draco in that bathroom, but you still went.

You took your time getting there and you were only down the hall when you saw the entrance. It was then when you heard a familiar ghastly screaming and wailing. It was horribly loud.

“MURDER! MURDER IN THE BATHROOM! MURDER!”

Moaning Myrtle floated from the large wooden double doors, screaming so loud it ricocheted off all the walls of the now deathly silent castle. You felt all the blood drain from your face as an awful and sickening feeling had bubbled in your stomach.

“It better not be Draco,” you said to yourself, your legs taking longer strides towards the bathroom. “Please, don’t let it be Draco.”

By now, you were sprinting towards the end of the corridor, throwing your bag to the floor as soon as you reached the doors and flung yourself through and into the destroyed bathroom, stepping into a pool of water that had streaks of crimson red. Your eyes followed the trail of blood, stopping suddenly when you found the source.

A blood-curdling scream twice as loud and stronger than Myrtle’s, left your throat as you tripped over your own feet to reach him. You saw Harry Potter, standing a little ways by the door, a panicked and pained look in his eyes as he tried to understand what he had just done.

Once you reached Draco’s nearly lifeless body covered in angry red gashes, you fell next to him, his eyes finally meeting yours for the first time in ages. He was breathing raggedly in choked grunts, clutching at his mauled chest as he struggled to breath. The stormy eyes you loved so much were clouded in fear. Nothing but fear.

You shoved your hand into your pocket, searching for your wand and pulled it out hastily. You shakily waved it over his cuts, thinking and saying any spell you knew that came to your mind in the matter of 5 seconds. This was what you did. This was all you did. Why couldn’t you heal him? None of your spells worked.

“I, I can’t heal you,” you sobbed, resorting to putting your hands over his chest at a failing attempt to stop the bleeding. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“n...o,” Draco said weakly and quietly. He mustered up all his remaining strength and placed a bloodied hand over yours, you grabbed it tightly and leaned over him when you realized he was trying to speak. “S-sorry. lo...ve. y...ou.”

It felt like there was a knife in your chest being repeatedly stabbed into your heart and twisted. His eyes closed and you cried harder, knowing you were going to lose him. Everything was happening so fast. You had only been in the bathroom a solid 10 seconds, everything around you moving in a slow blur but so quickly.

It was as if Merlin had answered your pleas, the sound of the door slammed open and a maddened looking Snape rushed inside, pushing Harry roughly to the side and looking down at Draco and then you only momentarily before dropping to his knees beside him and opposite of you.

“Vulnera sanentur,” he began running his wand over the cuts on Draco’s chest and you watched with wide teary eyes as the blood pooling around you began to retreat back into the wounds. He said it again, and once the blood was back in, the cuts began to close. He chanted it one last time, and the cuts had healed into thick and reddened scars. “Miss Y/L/N, please help Draco over to the hospital wing for some dittany, and quickly please. We might be able to help with the scarring, perhaps avoid it completely. I need to deal with, Potter.”

Draco was half conscious, a dazed and confused look in the gray of his eyes as they fluttered open and closed. You noticed the scar beginning to form on his paled face and you bit back a sob. You knew if that scar stayed there, it would only drive him into a deeper hatred for himself.

You quickly got up, Snape picking up Draco and throwing his arm over your shoulders so that you would be able to help him over to the hospital wing which luckily happened to be a hall away from the bathroom. The adrenaline and sheer love for the boy was pumping through your body which had made you feel stronger in basically carrying Draco through the halls. He was dragging his feet, mumbling incoherently and you couldn’t stop crying.

You saw the doors to the hospital wing open, Madam Pomfrey staring at the scene heading towards her in horror.

“DITTANY!” you called to her. She threw open the doors wider, nodding before she ran back inside in a hurry. A passing seventh year Hufflepuff had dropped all of his books and his bag and linked arms with Draco’s free side, helping you take him inside with much more ease. Madam Pomfrey yelled to rest Draco on the nearest bed and she quickly returned with the dittany, shooing the both of you away from him.

“I’m afraid the two of you are going to have to leave, immediately,” she demands, her hand reaching up to grab the privacy curtain before shielding her and the love of your life from you and the prying eyes of shocked students gathered at the doorway to see what had happened. The Hufflepuff that had helped was already out the door, but you couldn’t bring your legs to move.

“Away from the door!” McGonagall suddenly appeared from behind the crowd of students, a disgruntled look etched into her aged skin. “Return to your house’s common rooms! That goes for you too, Miss Y/L/N.”

She gently placed both her hands on either of your shoulders, guiding you outside the door and out of the hospital wing. She gave you an empathetic glance before grabbing the handles of the doors and shutting them with a loud clang.

The lingering students stared at you in discomfort and grimaces. You looked around, still in a daze and then looked down at your body. You were drenched in blood and water, looking straight out of a horror movie and closely resembling the clothing of the Bloody Baron, Slytherin’s house ghost.

Everything still felt quiet and slow. You didn’t even notice your friends rushing towards you in hysterics, throwing you in hugs as you only stood there, unable to react. You let them pull you away, leading you to your house’s common room, tripping every now and then. You caught a glimpse of Moaning Myrtle in the distance, her cries still very loud and apparent. She had gone around the entirety of Hogwarts wailing the same news that had broken you, only this time you heard the new choice words she had added along the way.

“MURDER! MURDER IN THE BATHROOM! MURDER! HARRY POTTER HAS MURDERED DRACO MALFOY!”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

You sat immobile on the edge of your seat besides Draco’s hospital bed. Much to your surprise, Madam Pomfrey had allowed you to stay overnight with the fallen Slytherin Prince. You recognized it might be her way of paying you back from all your countless volunteering and because of that, she trusted you in knowing exactly what to do when it came to the medical field of the wizarding world.

It was around three in the morning, the incident having happened well past twelve hours ago. You were showered now and in a fresh pair of robes, your pajamas holding in your warmth as a cold draft flowed throughout the dark dimly lit room. The hospital wing was tall and large, it felt like a castle in itself, and it only made you feel more feeble. You scooted your chair closer to the bed, placing a hand onto the mattress right next to Draco’s paled slender hand.

Fingertips ghosted over his knuckles, your body shivering at the closeness of the near contact. You didn’t know how he was going to react when he woke up. It was all a waiting game, and your heart squeezed with anxiety as you awaited his regained consciousness. You didn’t forget the words he said to you right before he slipped away. They rang and rattled in your head like a pinball game on loop.

He had told you he loved you.

The thought of him dying and you never being able to tell him you felt the same haunted you. You thanked Merlin that Snape got there when he did. You also made a mental note to hex Harry into the oblivion the next time you got a chance.

You sighed deeply, your voice quavering as your ran a hand through your tangled hair. His face glistened under the orange lamp on the bedside table, his skin tinged with a grayish undertone and his eye bags deep and dark. The scar you had seen on his face earlier was gone, the skin now just holding a skinny reddened line going across his features as if he was just hit with something. You smiled slightly, knowing it would be gone in the morning and feeling grateful for him that he wouldn’t be scarred with it.

His body was covered in a hospital gown and bandages infused with dittany, but seeing how bad his cuts were before they healed, you knew those would leave something behind no matter what. In your studying towards becoming a Healer, you read about the effects of dark magic and the marks it left behind on its victims. You didn’t know what spell had done what it did to Draco, but it was violent and radiated with darkness.

The softness of his his skin was met under yours, your hand finally allowing itself to fall over his and you let out a sharp exhale at the touch. It wasn’t like earlier when you were holding onto him for dear life, rough and filled with fear and pain, this time it felt familiar. It felt warm despite the coldness of your skin and his. You shook quietly, another set of tears rippling through your body as you tried your best to not wake him. You sat up and slowly leaned over him, looking down at him to observe his peaceful features. He slept soundly and peacefully, his breathing even and quiet. Even though he almost died earlier today, he looked as though he was having the best sleep of his life. The sleep he gravely needed but seemed to never be able to get.

Your free hand softly rested on his cheek now and you carefully moved your lips towards his forehead where you placed a long kiss. A stray tear had fallen onto his skin as you pulled away and you frowned, wiping it away with your sleeve before moving your hand up towards his hair. You smoothed it back, the soft blond strands feeling like silk between your fingers. He was a dream, an angel to you. You stood by what you had told him that unfortunate day under the tree, he was good, and you would tell him again and again until he believed it himself.

Just as you pulled back from him, a sharp gasp erupted and he shot up in bed, grabbing and tearing at his gown as breathless quick pants fell from his lips.

“Hey, Draco, I’m here, you’re okay, relax,” you coo gently, grabbing his hands and holding them tightly in yours so he wouldn’t tear his bandages. Your heart battered against your chest, the waterworks in your eyes beginning all over again. He stared at you, searching your eyes and he began to cry too. The same broken and deep sobbing from months ago you had grown accustomed to hearing.

He threw himself onto you, crying even harder as his arms wrapped around you, his hand on the back of your head pressing you into his chest. You climbed into the bed in deep shaky breaths so that you were now sitting on your knees between his legs. It was overwhelming, to put it lightly, both of you crying into each other as you remembered the fall out, the lonely days and nights, the wasted opportunities, the endless missing of one another’s presence in their lives.

“I’m sorry,” Draco chokes out. “I never meant to hurt you. I thought that by pushing you away, you would be safer, but I can’t do it anymore. I need you, I love you, Y/N.”

You cradled him in your arms, rocking the two of you back and forth, and you shook your head reverently.

“I forgave you the second I thought I was going to lose you,” you respond quickly. “Merlin, Draco, you scared me to death. I thought you were gone.”

The same words from his mother echoed in his head again and he finally understood what they meant.

“It is okay to be that 16 year old boy and revel in those joys for as long as you can before it is too late and they are no longer there.”

Darkness was going to arrive one way or another, it was going to steal the rest of whatever life he had left in him one day. It was out of his hands, out of his control. The time to live his life was now. Because he didn’t know when he would ever have this opportunity of love again, of safety, of light. Everything was undefined and unknown and he felt the anguishing regret of all his decisions when he had seen you in the bathroom hovering over him with a hopeless look in your eyes. He promised himself, to Merlin and to the sun, the moon and all the stars that in the 1% chance that he survived that close call with death, he would never abandon you again. His heart pained at the memory of him trying to sputter out his final ‘I love you,’ not knowing whether or not you heard it or if you understood how genuinely he had meant it.

The room was only filled with sniffles and shaky breathing, both of you still in the same rocking position, afraid that if you let each other go, the other is going to disappear.

“Draco,” you say, lifting his head up from the crook of your neck so that he could look you in the eyes. “I love you, too. More than you’ll ever know. Please don’t ever, ever leave again.”

“Not in a million years, darling.”

PART 3

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animeyanderelover · 3 years

Note

Hello again! Can I have prompt 46 with Ash? Tnx

Recently I told my friend that I had a lot of requests about him and she laughed about it. She doesn't really like him, but she gives him credit since he looks good.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, delusions, extreme paranoia, isolation, desperation, mentions of kidnapping,overprotectiveness, mentions of self-harm, Stockholm syndrome

Prompt 46: "Can I...can I kiss you?"

It was nothing less than a miracle that someone like you existed, someone who was cleansed from all the sins of this world and the corruption of humans. You were radiating with everything Ash had wanted for this world, a world that he wanted to give to you. It was the minimum from what she should and would do for you, it was his duty as your very own guardian angel. A role he was utterly dedicated too, devoted to his very own angel who forgave him his sins every time.

It was true, you had forgiven him his crimes already a long time ago as everything around you had started to fade away and you had lost count of how long exactly you had been stuck in here. Somewhere around one and a half years would be your expectation, looking on how the seasons had changed through the large and closed windows which symbolized your loss of freedom. But you didn't mind anymore.

You only needed and wanted Ash, your guardian angel.

There was clear tension in his body, you could feel how he stiffened up under your embrace. He had never really received that sort of affection before from anyone nor would he have ever wanted it from all those worthless lives walking around freely. You were the only person he actually wanted any sort of touches from. That was how pure you were, even causing someone like him craving something and falling victim to his own desires. And it was his own fault for being so weak-minded. He didn't deserve you yet letting you perish outside would be an even greater sin. He had to keep you safe.

"My Queen...what are you doing?"

Being able to keep his composure was important in front of you, though he remembered to have failed multiple times in the past already. Severe punishment was the only thing he could think of to atone for his failures for not being good enough, for proving himself to be so incredibly useless. Even now he could feel some unhealed wounds aching a bit, but you didn't have to know about his weakness and incompetence.

You blinked slightly confused up at him when he asked you such an obvious question, but it soon turned into slight giggling that instantly plunged Ash's heart into painfully warm emotions and forced his eyes to get wet. It had taken a while until you had been able to look so happy after he had quickly rescued you from all the evil waiting to devour you. The distress he had felt back then could never be put in words and no burns, knifes and broken bones had been able to make up for what you had been suffering under. Even now it remained as a anxiety deeply stuck in his heart. But looking at you now, smiling at him and not staring with wide eyes filled with fear at him, was worth much more than his whole life could ever repay you.

"I’m hugging you. It’s just that you always look so worried and stressed over my safety and never appear to take a rest. Just now you did as well so I thought this might help you a bit. A strong hug can be more worth than thousand words after all. That’s what my mother told me at least when I was younger.”, you replied softly, pressing your face deeper into his chest with a content look on your face.

There was nothing Ash could think of for a few moments, instead he seared the scene in front of him deep into his brain, how you were currently buried into his chest, looking so happy and peaceful. So stunning and precious.

Tears were quick to escape his eyes only seconds later, his insides stirring up with warmth that stung him and yet baked him with something he hadn’t felt in so long. Comfort and peace.

This was exactly why he had to protect you with his very own life, no one was allowed to snuff out the light you carried inside of you and that was able to even share it’s warmth with him. You possessed too much kindness to understand, but normal humans only destroyed what they touched, ruining it with their greed.

He wouldn’t let them do the same to you.

He would kill everyone who would even do as much as getting too close.

He just had to guarantee that you would live.

But first of all he had to calm himself down or otherwise he might worry you even more than he seemed to have done already. The tears were quickly wiped away with his sleeves before Ash was able to look at you again, still feeling like he wanted to continue crying. His heart felt like it might burst at any moment.

“You have so much warmth and love inside of you that I don’t think I deserve any of it. You shouldn’t even be concerned about me, I merely do what I have to do as your guardian. If you were to fall victim to this damned place, I would perish as well. What use is an angel who can’t even protect their chosen one?”

Pain was twisting his voice and face a bit when he dared to imagine how a world without you would be, a world filled with grief and darkness for him. Letting his guard down would be a fatal mistake, he had seen the worst of this world and the humans and he knew that it would happen again. That was why he had to be like this for you were his heart beating outside his chest. If something were to ever happen to you...

The angel hadn't even noticed that he had already started crying again, fist tightened and body shaking whilst getting lost in fears of losing the one good and bright thing this world had still left.

"But for me you're more than just a guardian angel. You're my angel and I want you to feel happy as well. I want you to feel loved as well. You do so much for me, but I feel like I only cause you stress and uneasiness. Shouldn't you be happy because of me?", you asked him in slight protest, feeling sadness whilst seeing the man you had come to love like this again because of you. You had never seen him truly relaxed nor had you ever been able to show him your feelings. He wouldn't let you, not thinking that he deserved you.

His reaction was instant, suddenly falling on his knees upon hearing from what you had said that he had disappointed you yet again, the visible look of your sorrow only stabbing his fear deeper into his very soul.

"I-I am so sorry! I didn't know that you felt this way only because I was so selfish to only think about myself like this! I don't deserve your forgiveness and accept any sort of-"

When he felt the soft sensation of your hands cupping his stained cheeks, he abruptly stopped his rambling, trying to not choke on his own breath that had gotten irregular.

"You don't have to apologize to me. I don't want to hear you saying such things about yourself. Don't you understand? I am unhappy whenever you are like this, seeing yourself as so worthless and not deserving of my love. That's what hurts me so much. You're rejecting my feelings. I love you, Ash. And I want to know if you do too. Because if you do, please stop talking like this and behave so distantly."

Your voice conveyed every bit emotion that was going on inside of you in that moment, something that Ash noticed with widened eyes as well.

Silence was cut short by him when he realized that you wanted something crucial from him which he would gladly give you. He had never considered that you would ever consider his love as something you wanted, consider him as someone you loved. When had been the last time someone had been truly kind to him and loved him? He couldn't remember anymore.

"Of course I do. You should never doubt my feelings for you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. It's impossible to function without you.", he managed to reply with a shaking voice as he grabbed both of your hands in his own.

"Then why are you acting like this? Everyone deserves someone who loves them. Without love it's a very painful life, isn't it? That's why I am hurting as well. Let me love you and I promise that you'll be able to feel peace as well.", you muttered slightly embarrassed out, leaning your head down so your forehead could rest against his own.

Slight sobs were starting to catch up to Ash as he was staring in pure awe at you.

"Thank you. I'll be better and make sure that I won't cause you sadness anymore.", he pressed out, tightening his grip on your hands only the slightest bit so he wouldn't hurt you.

"I'm glad to hear that.", you replied with a sincere smile on your face, joy stirring your heart up just by seeing that for the first time since he had abducted you, Ash was looking relieved and less tense. He just looked extremely grateful.

"May I ask you for a favor then?", you requested with a certain idea in mind.

"I'll do anything for you.", Ash replied, sounding very emotional.

"I want to do something for you for once since you normally do anything for me."

Hesitation and clear dislike instantly shadowed his face, the thought of him asking something from you going against Ash's belief in all the wrong ways. You shouldn't have to do him favors.

"It doesn't have to be something difficult. It can be a really simple thing. Just...something that I can do for you this once. Please.", you begged slightly, seeing the angel already struggling. You knew how he felt about such things, he hated letting you do something for him and he had never done it before either. Ash saw it only upon himself to serve you which was another thing that sometimes made you feel guilty. You wanted to do more for him as well.

"Can I...can I kiss you?"

Maybe that had been more a slip of his tongue, but he had been slightly panicking since hadn't want to sadden you again nor had he wanted you to do physical work for him. It was supposed to be the other way around.

So when he had stared for a moment at your face, eyes locked on your lips, he had considered somewhere deep in his mind possibilities which he had been fantasizing about a few times before, but hadn't thought that they would actually have a change of happening.

In his opinion they were still sinful, it would take a while for him to get used to the idea that you wanted to receive physical affection and love from him. The first impulse when he realized what he had said was instantly apologizing, only to be interrupted before he could even start saying anything.

You had already leaned down to fulfill him his wish before he could take it back again.

#yandere black butler #yandere kuroshitsuji #yandere ash #yandere ash landers

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highsviolets · 3 years

Text

INTERVIEW NO. 1: RACHEL @djarinsbeskar

hello hello! i am so happy to announce that rachel — aka the immense talent that is @djarinsbeskar — has agreed to be my first interviewee for this new series! thank you to rach and to each one of you for all of your support. to read more about the project, click here, and to submit an author, click here.

| why rachel? |

Rachel captured my imagination from the first time we interacted as mutuals-in-law. She’s bursting with energy and vivaciousness, with a current of kindness just underneath everything she does. Her work is no exception. Oftentimes gritty, raw, and exposing (in … ahem…more ways than one), Rachel challenges her readers to dig deeper into both the story and themselves. Her smut brings a particular fire as it’s laced with need, desire, and mutual trust that leads us deeper into the characters’ identities and how physical affection can mimic other forms of intimacy. She’s a tour de force in this fandom and an absolute joy.

| known for |

Engaging with and encouraging other authors, cultivating inspo posts, attention to world building & character development

| my favorites |

Stitches

Boxer!Din

Full Masterlist • Ko-Fi

| q & a |

When did you start writing? What was that project, and what was it like? Has that feeling or process ever changed over time? Why?

I can’t remember a time I wasn’t writing. I was an avid reader, as I think most writers are—and I remember, after picking up Lord of the Rings—that I could live so many lives, experience so many things, all from the pages of a book. I could make sense of the world through words and ink and paper. And it offered me a level of peace and clarity I wanted to share with others. So, I started writing.

My first project I remember to this day, was a short story about a dog. I had been so heartbroken when I learned that dogs were colourblind. I must have been about seven or eight at the time, and I was fixated on this idea that dogs couldn’t see the vibrant hues that made the world beautiful. It was something I wanted to change—and with all the righteous anger of a child not getting their own way, I sulked over the fact that I couldn’t. Until I wrote it down.

“How do dogs see colour?”

And much like my writing today, I answered myself.

“Dogs don’t need to see colour. Dogs smell colour.”

And so, I wrote a story, about a puppy being brought on different walks by its owner. And with every new street it walked down—colour bloomed with scent. Colours more beautiful and vibrant than we could ever hope to see with our eyes. And it gave me solace and helped me work through an emotion that – granted was immature and inconsequential – had affected me. To this day, I still smile seeing dogs sniffing at everything they pass on their walks. Smelling colour. It gave me the key to my favourite thing in life. I don’t think my process has changed much since then. Much of what I write is based on a skeleton plan, but I leave room for characters to speak and feel as they need to. I like to know the starting point and destination of a chapter—but how they get there, that still falls to instinct. I think I’ve found a happy medium of strict planning and winging it that suits me now—and hopefully it will continue to improve over time!

When did you start posting your writing, and on what platform? What gave you the push to do that?

I mean, fanfiction has always been part of my life. I think anyone who was growing up in the late 2000’s and early 2010’s found their way to fanfiction.net at some time or other. The wild west compared to what we have now! My first post was for the Lord of the Rings fandom on fanfiction.net. It was an anthology of the story told through the eyes of the steeds. Bill the Pony, Shadowfax—it was all very innocent. That was probably in 2010 when I was fifteen. I had been wanting to share writing for a long time but was worried about how it would be received. I didn’t really have a gauge on my level or my creativity and – one of the many flaws of someone with crippling perfectionism – I only ever wanted to provide perfection. That was a major inhibitor when I was younger. By wanting it to be perfect, I never posted anything. Until that stupidly cute LOTR fic. It was freeing to write something that no one but me had any interest in, because if I was writing for myself then there was no one to disappoint, right? And that was all it took. I had some pauses over the years between college and life and such, but I’ve never lost that mindset when it comes to posting.

What your favorite work of yours that you have ever written? Why is it your favorite? What is more important to you when considering your own stories for your own enjoyment — characters? fandom? spice? emotional development? the work you’ve put into it? Is that different than what you enjoy reading most in other people’s fics?

I don’t think it’ll come as much of a surprise when I say Stitches. While not original, I mean—it follows the plot of the Mandalorian quite diligently, it is the piece of work I really hold very close to my heart. Din Djarin as a character is what got me back into writing after what must have been five years? He inspired something. His manner, his personality—he resonated with me as a person in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. And gave me back a creative outlet I had been missing.

It’s funny to say out loud—but I wanted to give him something? I spent so long thinking about his character that half my brain felt like it belonged to him—how he reacted and responded to things etc. and of course, like every dreamy Pisces—I wanted to give him love and happiness. So, Stitches came along. Personally, when writing—it’s a combination of characters, emotional development and spice (I can’t help myself) and when we can follow that development. With Stitches, it’s definitely the spice that is the conduit for development—but I adore showing how the physical can help people who struggle to communicate emotions too complex for words.

I don’t usually read for Din, as most people know—but I do enjoy reading the type of work that Stitches is. Human, damaged—but still with an undercurrent of hope that makes me think of children’s books.

You said, “much like writing today, I answered myself.” Could you talk about that in relation to Stitches?

So, I’m endlessly curious, it has to be said. Especially about why people are the way they are. Why people do A instead of B. Why X person’s immediate thought went to this place instead of that place. And I’m rarely satisfied with superficial explanations. One of the most exciting parts of writing and fanfiction especially, is making sense of that why. There can be countless explanations, some that are content with what is seen on the surface and some that go deep and some that go even deeper still.

Stitches is almost a – very long winded and much too long – answer to the questions I was so intrigued by about Din Djarin, about the Mandalorian and about the Star Wars universe as a whole. I often wondered what happened to people after the Rebellion, the normal people who fought—the people in the background. What did they do next? Did some of them suffer from PTSD? What was the galaxy like right after the Empire fell? That first season of the Mandalorian answered some of those questions, but I wanted to know more. So, I created a reader insert who was a combat medic—and through her, I let myself answer the questions of what happened next.

Regarding Din as a character, I wanted to know what a bounty hunter with a code of honour would do in certain situations—what made him tick, what made hm vulnerable. I wanted to explore the discovery of his identity. Din Djarin didn’t exist after he was taken from Aq Vetina. He became a cog in a very efficient machine of Mandalorians—and it was safe there. I wanted to see what – or who – might encourage him to step into his own. Grogu was that person in a familial sense, but what about romantically? What about individually? There’s so much to explore with this man! So many facets of personality and nuances of character that make him so gorgeous to write and think about.

Talk to me about the Din Djarin Athletic Universe. How does Din as all of these forms of athlete play off who you see him as in canon?

The Athletic Universe! How I adore my athletes. Despite being in a modern setting, I have kept the core of Din’s character in each of them (at least I hope I have!). I like to divide Din’s character into three phases when it comes to canon because he’s not as immovable as people seem to think he is. We discussed this before, how I see Din as a water element—adaptable, but strong enough that he can be as steadfast as rock. But I digress, the first phase is the character we see in the first episode. Basically, before Grogu. There’s an aggressive brutality to Din when we see him bounty hunting. He works on autopilot and isn’t swayed by sob stories or promises. He has the covert but is ultimately separate. Those soft feelings he comes to recognise when he has Grogu are dormant – not non-existent – but they haven’t been nurtured or encouraged. This is the point I extracted Boxer!Din’s personality and story from.

Cyclist!Din on the other hand—is already a father, a biological father to Grogu. And his personality, I took from that moment in the finale of Season two where I believe Din’s transformative arc of character solidified. He was always a father to Grogu, but I do believe that moment where he removes his helmet is the moment, he accepts that role fully in his heart and mind. And that is why I don’t believe for a second, that removing his helmet was him breaking his Creed. In fact, I believe it was the purest act he could do in devotion to his Creed—to his foundling, to his son. The Cyclist!AU is very much the character I see canon Din having should Grogu have stayed with him. This single dad who isn’t quite sure how he got to where he is now—but does anything and everything for his child without thought. It’s a natural instinct for him, and I like exploring those possibilities with Cyclist!Din.

You also said, “he has the covert but is ultimately separate.” What does it take for him — and you — to get to that point of being ‘not separate?’

I mentioned this above, but one of the biggest interests I have in Din as a character is his identity. He’s a Mandalorian, he’s a bounty hunter, he’s the child’s guardian but those are all what he is, not who. I think Din is separate while being part of the covert because he doesn’t know. I don’t think anyone can really be part of something if they don’t know who they are or, they struggle with their identity. It’s curious to me—how you can deceive even yourself to mimic the standard set for the many. In the boxer verse, he identifies himself in relation to his boxing—and every part of his outward personality exhibits those qualities. But when he’s given a softer touch—an outlet of affection, and comfort—we see the softer side of him surface. It’s very much the same with Stitches Din. Identity is like anything, emotions—relationships, bodies. It needs nurturing to thrive, an open door—a safe space. At least, that’s what goes through my mind when I think of him.

Who is your favorite character to read?

Frankie because there are so many ways his character can be interpreted and there are some stellar versions of him that I think of at least once a day. Javi because he reminds me of kintsugi-- golden recovery, broken pottery where the cracks are highlighted with gold. I also adore reading for Boba Fett, Paz Viszla and the clones!

Is there anything else you want your readers to know about you, your writing, or your creative process?

Hmm... only that I am quite literally a gremlin clown who is always here to chat Din, Star Wars, literature, book recs and anything else under the sun! I like to hear people's stories, their opinions etc. it helps me see things from alternative points of view and can truly help the writing process! Other than that, I think I can only thank readers for putting up with my ridiculously long chapters and rambling introspection. Thank you for indulging me always! ❤️

#pedro pascal #din djarin #the mandalorian #the mandalorian x reader #din djarin x reader #din djarin x f!reader #the mandalorian x f!reader #the mandalorian x you #din djarin x you #djarinsbeskar #chat with cris #author interview series #tuserdaniela #userastrid #usernobie #userhai #pedrostories

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dutchdread · 3 years

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No offense bro, but why are you always so protective of Cloud? No disrespect to you or anything but I've heard quite a bit of different opinions and theories on Cloud myself and I do agree with the people who say that he takes Tifa for granted. Going through trauma in the past is not really an excuse for his behavior. He also does act like he's the only one who has suffered in his life. Do you have other reason to defend him other than the fact that you "relate" to him? Just wondering.

Sorry for the late reply, my life has basically left no room for hobbies these past months. Your question is hard to reply to because I am not sure what you mean when you say I am protective of him. I guess you mean I defend his actions? Specifically in ACC? Firstly let me state that there is a difference between being a good character and being a nice character, there is also a difference between agreeing with someones actions, or just understanding them. Personally, I never really liked Cloud, especially not when I was younger. A lot of my defense of Cloud doesn't come from me personally liking him, but from me thinking he's a good character. I also think Snape is a good character, but I don't like his actions, and I don't defend them, although I still understand them to a certain degree. I should also say that as I started to understand Clouds character more, I also started liking HIM a bit more, although I still don't like the things he did, and would very likely not be friends with him. But I do understand why he did what he did and cannot be too critical of him because of that. You've probably heard that before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That's great advice, if you want to judge someone, you should imagine what it would be like to be them, however, I've noticed that too often when people try to walk a mile in someone elses shoes, they refuse to take their own shoes off first. They don't think "what would it be like to be him", they think "what would I do in that position". But Cloud is not you, and you cannot judge him by how you would act, you've not gone through the same things he has, your thought patterns aren't the same etc. This matters because too often I see people judging Clouds actions in ACC, and establishing his motivations by saying things that boil down to "If I were in his position, I would only do those actions if I loved Aerith/didn't love Tifa/whatever". But they're not Cloud, and they're not understanding how Cloud thinks, and that it's different from how THEY think. But like you said, I do see some recognizable elements of myself in Cloud, which is why I do understand his actions, and why I feel relatively certain in defending them, because I see them coming from a good place. It's common for me to react to things in a way that others find counter-intuitive. Let me give you an example, my brother once was mad at me because I had not told him my girlfriend of several years and I had broken up while I did tell a random stranger at the pub. He said that he felt like he wasn't important to me if I told a random stranger but not him. The truth was the exact opposite, I love my brother, and could not bear to face him for some reason, as I told him: "if not caring enough was the problem, then I wouldn't have told a random stranger". I see people exhibit that same lack of understanding when discussing Clouds actions, where they feel like his actions must be the sign of him just being a bad person, or not caring. But ask yourself what is more likely, that Square-enix wants their hero to be a bad person, or that you simply are misunderstanding the character? I understand why people don't get Cloud, Cloud suffers from obvious mental health issues, and mental health issues simply are not something that the general public understands, even today. Not only that, but Cloud went through the most insane series of traumatic events anyone could ever imagine. He had an alien parasite in him, saw his entire town murdered before his eyes, then saw Zack murdered in front of his eyes, then saw Aerith murdered in front of his eyes, and just when he started living a peaceful life he is forced to watch his child succumb to sickness in front of his eyes, and then he finds he himself is dying. All this on the psyche of a man who had had a fear of failure ever since he was a child, spent most of his life essentially in war, and had a severe identity crisis as well. Do you think you can honestly judge him by going "that's not what I would have done"? Would that not be incredibly

presumptuous? Have you suffered from depression as a result of severe post-war PTSD and a lifelong feeling of inadequacy combined with a fear of failure and the belief that many of your loved ones died because you failed and were inadequate? Because that's the context in which you have to view Cloud when watching Advent Children. Saying "Going through trauma in the past is not really an excuse for his behavior" is just incredibly short-sighted, your behavior is determined by who you are, and who you are is determined by what you go through in the past. You can't expect a broken child to become a well-adjusted adult when being a well-adjusted adult is the result of having a normal childhood.

I also don't want to cause offense, but this really is a mindset you should change, because this mindset is one of the most pervasive and damaging ones in our society, it's the one that probably bothers me most when I hear it because it makes zero sense. It's like breaking a robots self-repair unit, and then being angry at it on the grounds that the self-repair unit should have fixed it. It's also very insensitive in general, it's the equivalent of saying "why are you depressed, just stop being depressed", people don't choose to be depressed, people don't choose to have a fear of failure. People don't choose their emotions, they're just there. They can be influenced by behavior over time, sure, but behavior is equally influenced by who you are and your emotions, which, as mentioned before, is determined for a large part by your past. People don't just "snap out of it". They fight and fight and fight, and sometimes they win and break out of the spiral, and sometimes they lose and it breaks them.

FFVII, and especially Advent children, is all about that struggle, and during those struggles you will have high-points, and low-points. FFVII shows all of those. It shows Cloud trying, it shows Cloud wanting, it shows Cloud failing, but it also, ultimately, shows Cloud prevailing. Judging Cloud for not breaking out of the spiral by the time of Advent children, when he was mentally only barely 18 years old, and when he started at the worst place anyone could ever imagine, is just not reasonable. It's the modern day equivalent of "let them eat cake", something that can only be said from the place of privilege of not knowing what the struggles of the people you're critiquing are actually like. So having that out of the way, lets look at Clouds actions from the perspective of Cloud. Cloud is a young boy, and he's in love with the girl next door, he wants to get her to notice him. One day said girl walks up a mountain and he follows, she falls off a bridge and ends in a coma. Cloud followed her because he's in love with her, and he gets the blame from the adults. Cloud internalizes this, and its important to imagine what this must be like for a child, to have the adults all tell him it's his fault that the person he loves ended up hurt. "your fault", "your fault". Afterwards Cloud starts thinking Tifa hates him and starts acting out. I think this is a good moment to point out btw that this child has no father figure. This is the start of his feelings of failure and inadequacy, he blames himself for not being able to protect Tifa, failure number 1, he thinks that if he were strong, he'd be able to protect her, he thinks that if he were like Sephiroth, then even Tifa would have to notice him. Now until this time Cloud is not an asshole, he's a bit of a rebellious kid yes, but notice that he's not a bad kid as much as he's a kid who wants to protect someone, has no direction, and is acting out. So Cloud thinks he's not good enough, but he leaves town confident that he'll become good enough, and even makes a promise to Tifa. All this follows logically from what we know about Cloud, and tells us a lot about how deeply seated these feelings are. Becoming Soldier wasn't a small thing, not some small passion project that he just came up with one day, it's the result of the things that happened in his childhood and he left everything behind make it so. He told the girl he loved, he promised, he boasted. And then he failed. Failure number 2. He comes back to Nibleheim and can't bear to look Tifa in the eye and admit that he couldn't do it, that he's a failure. His entire life so far has revolved around this and he wasn't good enough. So here we have Cloud, not in a great mindset, thinking he's a failure, and what happens? His entire town is murdered by the person he admired, someone he worked with. His Mother is killed, and Tifa, the girl he PROMISED to protect, gets slashed open so badly that apparently she needed to have her ribcage reinforced with metal. I think we can all agree that this by itself would be enough to potentially scar a person for life. (Cloud, not Tifa XD) So what's next for the boy who left town in order to become a hero? Well, he gets captured and experimented on for 4 years, during which his mind and sense of identity is bombarded with memories and knowledge of the lifestream in the form of mako, muddying up his thoughts. Cloud already had a weak sense of self as a result of his childhood, it's why he failed to enter Soldier and now this distaste for who he is makes him extra susceptible to Jenovas influence. The next thing Cloud sees, (he didn't consciously experience the 4 years of mind-fuckery) is his best friend getting killed trying to protect him, because Cloud wasn't strong enough. Failure #3. At this point, in Clouds mind the list of people dead because he could not protect them, because he's a failure, include his mother, his entire town, his best friend, and as far as he knows, the girl he loves. This is his life. His mind is broken, he hates himself, he doesn't want to be himself,

he has a mind-altering parasite inside of him trying to adjust his identity and Clouds just goes "I reject this reality and constitute my own". And why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he want to live in a fantasy world where he wasn't a failure, where he made it into soldier, where he was cool and successful and not a disappointing failure? Zack tells him to be his living legacy and Cloud goes with it, then he runs into Tifa, Jenova adjusts Cloud further based on Tifas memories of them and rejoined with the girl for whom he joined Soldier Cloud is unconsciously all too willing to play the part. FFVII starts and it doesn't take long for the cracks in his fake persona to show, he meets Aerith, and becomes her bodyguard. He gets to be the hero he always wanted to be. But then, even as "Cloud strife, soldier first class", Cloud is still a failure, the plate still drops, killing thousands, he gives Sephiroth the black materia, he beats up Aerith, and ultimately, fails to save her as well. Tifa was the First Failure, and Aerith was the Final Failure. Even as a soldier, Cloud still couldn't save anyone, he loses even more faith in himself, he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't trust himself, and then when he also loses Tifas trust in who he is, he just breaks and gives over to Jenova/Sephiroth. Even Hojo calls him a failure. Cloud feels like a nobody. Now mentally weakened, under the influence of jenova cells, he gives Sephiroth the black materia AGAIN, and meteor is summoned. Another entry on the long list of moments Cloud can look back on in shame later on in life. He falls into the lifestream and again his psyche is under attack. We know what happens afterwards, Tifa finds him, cares for him, and saves him through his feelings for her. Cloud realizes who he is, realizes he's weak, and goes after Sephiroth without lying to himself. In the end he defeats Sephiroth mentally and is supposedly rid of his direct influence.

But that doesn't mean that this mentally 17 year old is now fine, we should remember these events when analyzing ACC. Cloud has been in constant fighting/war/peril ever since he left home as a child, and is now a traumatized 17 year old in a 21 year olds body. Novels and other materials give us an insight into how Cloud thinks during these times, and how he thinks about himself. We hear him say that he's going to live because that's the only way he can atone for his sins. He talks about wanting to change, and about believing he can change because he now has Tifa. He's a man (boy) who just exited war, and wants to be positive, but is still clearly blaming himself. We see that this initially goes well, we are told that Cloud experiences peace and happiness that he's never experienced before. We're also told about the things that make it go badly, when he has to deliver flowers to the ancient city for instance. While Cloud regained the sense of who he was the belief that he wasn't good enough, that he was a failure, was never solved, if anything it was put on hold until he got his memories back, and now he is forced to deal with it.

While he is no longer directly manipulated by Sephiroth he's still suffering from PTSD and, most notably, survivors guilt. He blames himself for the deaths of Zack and Aerith in particular, and starts visiting the church. Now most people might think it's natural to avoid places that make you feel bad about yourself, but that's not how a depressed person thinks, Cloud thinks he deserves to feel badly he WANTS to punish himself, he WANTS to feel bad. He's ashamed of the moments where he's carefree and laughing with Tifa. Why should he get to be happy when Aerith and Zack are dead because of him? He shouldn't be happy, he should be in pain, he should remember them, not doing so would be an insult to their memories, he must never forget how he failed them! That's how Cloud is thinking. We know of course that this is non-sense, Aerith and Zack wouldn't want this, if anything it's this mindset that is tarnishing the memories of Aerith and Zack, but that's not how a mentally unwell person thinks. Cloud wants to atone, and thinks he finds salvation in Denzel, whom he finds at Aeriths church. He thinks that by saving this life, he can, in some way, make up for all the death he caused. Tifa has a similar belief when she finds out Denzels parents died in the plate crash. And when Denzel joins the family, and Cloud has path towards redemption in his mind, things start getting better again. Because this is the cause of the problems Cloud is having in ACC. When Nojima says:

first off, there’s the premise that things won’t go well between Tifa and Cloud, and that even without Geostigma or Sephiroth this might be the same

This is the conflict he's talking about, he's not saying "Tifa and Cloud are incompatible, it has nothing to do with Sephiroth", he's saying "if Sephiroth didn't show up during Advent children, Cloud and Tifa would still be having problems because Cloud is going through survivors guilt."

But the good times don't last, Denzel has Geostigma and Cloud cannot find a cure, Denzel....is going to die. Cloud, has failed again. Not only that, but Cloud catches Geostigma....Cloud is going to die. And THIS is why Cloud leaves in Advent children. And you have to look at this as Cloud. Cloud said he was going to live to atone for his sins, but instead he's going to die. He won't atone for his sins, even worse, he's going to leave Tifa and Marlene behind. He failed again. He couldn't protect Denzel, he potentially brought an infectious disease into their house as well. Literally all Cloud can think about is that literally everything he's ever tried has ended in failure, everyone he's ever tried to protect, he's failed at. Do you understand how easy it would be for a person like this to fall into the trap of thinking "I deserve to die", "I don't want Tifa and Marlene to see me die", "Tifa and Marlene are better off without me anyway", "they'd be happier if I weren't here". Etc. Now we know this is nonsense, but come on, how many instances have you heard of depressed people genuinely believing that their loved ones would be happier and better off if they just didn't exist? However, throughout the movie, Zack, Tifa, and Aerith, all confront Cloud, and urge him to not give up. Cloud eventually does try again, and ultimately finds redemption not by being stuck in the past, but by letting the past rest and be beautiful (a lesson Cleriths unfortunately never learned). "I never blamed you you know, not once" "I want to be forgiven. By who?" "Isn't it about time you did the forgiving?" In the end, Cloud moves on, and therefore, so do Zack and Aerith. Aerith and Zack walk into the light, Cloud plants flowers on Zacks grave, and lets Zacks buster sword rest in Aeriths church, now no longer rusting, but shining. Instead of the past being a negative reminder, Cloud lets the past be beautiful. Cloud was doing Aerith and Zack a disservice by remembering them the way he did, because it was ruining his life, it wasn't a good thing, but it did come from a good place, from a good man whose ashamed of not being good enough. Yes, it harmed Tifa, people going through these things often do hurt those around them, but it's not because they're bad people, or even weak, but because people are imperfect and Cloud has gone through hell, both internally, and externally. Are his actions really that weird or deplorable? "He didn't even go save the kids!" Yes, he's hesitant about saving the kids, why shouldn't he be? Everyone Cloud tried to protect or save, ended up maimed or worse, or as Cloud puts it: "I can't even save myself". "He left Tifa alone!" Yes, he thinks he's going to waste away and die, can you blame him for not wanting to put Tifa through that and for thinking she'd be better off without him? "He drinks!" Wouldn't you?! Who wouldn't want to forget that stuff? But in the end, He's only gone for about a week, he never intended to harm Tifa, he never physically harmed Tifa or cheated on her, his entire life revolved around wanting to be better for Tifa and blaming himself when he wasn't good enough, how is it reasonable to say this man takes Tifa for granted when the fact that he thinks he has to BE BETTER in order to be worthy of being with her has been a constant throughout his entire life and story? He DOESN'T take Tifa for granted, that's why he's beating himself up, that's why he leaves, not because he thinks he's better than her, or that he'll always have her, or that she'll follow him like a dog, or something like that. But because of the opposite, because he thinks HE is not good enough, that SHE would be better of without him. Saying Cloud takes Tifa for granted, is honestly, simply, wrong. It's 180 degrees the opposite of what is happening in FFVII, the biggest constant in Clouds life, is that he doesn't take Tifa for granted, and I don't understand how anyone could argue otherwise.

#cloti #FFVII #ffvii crisis core #ffvii advent children #ffvii remake

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unlikely-course · 3 years

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The tl;drs of this very long post, which is about Gideon’s arc and her relationship to Harrow:

-Gideon’s arc in gtn is a corruption arc because tlt is not just goth but Gothic

-Gideon “forgives” Harrow because of Trauma and that’s definitely not the endpoint of how she feels about Harrow or their past

-The narrative knows what it’s doing

When Gideon says “For the Ninth!” as she dies, and thinks “this is the loyalty they always said I lacked, this is me making good” that’s not growth, that’s part of the tragedy of the moment. Like, the Ninth does not deserve her allegiance! It is, as Gideon was the first to remind us, rotten to the core. When she dies, it’s for Harrow, and her saying it’s for the Ninth does represent on some level that she’s come to new understanding about who Harrow is and how Harrow views herself *as* the Ninth, but like this is, I mean. Bad. Harrow herself does not deserve Gideon’s loyalty! Gideon gives it to her because it is a relief. Gideon is very good, yes, but the forgiveness is a response to trauma. The second Harrow shows even the slightest vulnerability or regard for Gideon, Gideon is eager to make amends because she has been starved for any positive association to others for her entire life, and Harrow was literally the only peer she ever had to associate with. She correctly identified that resistance to Ninth society was vital to her survival and selfhood, but also that shit is exhausting. That resistance is also partially formed by that society conveying to her: we have no place for you, we have no use for you as you are, and that makes you hateful to us.

Her response to Harrow and the cavalier role then is pretty classic! It is a relief to have a place, to be able to stop fighting, to give herself over to a structure sold to her as one in which she can support and be supported, to resolve the central conflict and most complicated relationship of her life. I maintain that you the reader are also supposed to feel initially relieved and even cheered by Gideon and Harrow growing closer and then gradually unsettled when Gideon embraces cavalierhood and the increasingly invasive demands of the trials, and has her mindset adjusted in increments toward sacrifice. To feel her thoughts turn in this direction is alarming! This is purposeful, and it is purposefully mixed in with good feelings, the same good feelings that Gideon is getting, to distract from and inoculate you against what is happening just as Gideon is inoculated against it.

In addition, Canaan House is a very particular crucible. This is not only the first time that Gideon has ever been bombarded with new people and experiences, but also the first time she’s faced these unknown external threats, which pushes her to unite with the familiar (Harrow) against them. Her past and present environments have made it so that the compassion she comes to feel for Harrow gets bound up in the idea of being loyal to her house, the ‘contract’ of her new role, and the positive interaction it gives her until the idea of her offering her life to Harrow is not simply necessary in the moment but good and right. Redeeming, even, when we as readers know she has nothing she needs redemption for.

Gideon is so very angry when she comes to in htn, and it is not merely anger at those who have wronged Harrow or anger at Harrow for endangering herself. On the First, she made a simple deal: her life for relief from the emotional state she had to live it in. Forgiveness for some kind of peace. And when she wakes up that exchange is refuted. Gideon frames Harrow’s actions as a rejection of herself out of low self-esteem but also in an attempt to deal with unresolved anger she has towards Harrow, anger that cannot fit into the cavalier role she wants to embody, anger that she attempted to trade away but in actuality can’t. Because the role she was sold, the type of relationship the cavalier and necro is supposed to be, is ultimately false. It encompasses very real and deep relationships, as we have seen, but the framework uses these real elements to its own ends, the Empire’s ends, and despite its proclamations of mutual care the relationship is always at the cavalier’s expense.

This is what it means to say Gideon’s arc in gtn is a corruption arc. It’s not that she becomes “bad,” it’s that the corrupting forces of the narrative have reached out and altered her, worn her down, seduced her even. This is Gideon’s first contact with the wider Empire, in the seat and seed of its wretched power, and it has used her goodness, her capacity for connection (and yes for forgiveness as well!) against her to further ensnare her, to draw her in line with itself. And then she dies for it, as it demands! Wow. And the we have the other side of that, which is when Gideon says “For the Ninth!” she’s signaling to Harrow that she has come to value what Harrow values, just as Harrow herself, watching in horror, has come to realize her values are very fucked up.

And Harrow has indeed realized that by that time! Harrow really does travel such a distance in gtn, but this is largely obscured from us just the same as plot details are in the book, by the limits of Gideon’s perception. And let me be clear: this is a feature, not a bug. It is not a weakness. It is vital! Integral! To the above, and all it entails for Gideon as a character and the overall themes of the series, that Gideon forgive Harrow without Harrow having “earned” it or made real amends. The fact that she does conveys to us everything I’ve just been talking about!

Furthermore, this story is in conversation with a rather particular type of Christianity, but Gideon’s Jesus parallels are even more widely applicable. Forgiveness is kind of a whole theme with that guy, and the book is also plenty interested in what it costs for a human to forgive as divinely as scripture demands (to forgive as the bond demands, as the empire demands). In some ways there are good things that may come of it, sure, but it is not a purely redemptive force for the giver or receiver. It does not necessarily resolve.

I myself can’t say that I ship Gideon and Harrow in the way people traditionally think of shipping, nor as I have traditionally shipped other characters. Still, I reject the notion that that way of relating to each other is not a central part of the questions the book is asking. Like before, when I was talking about Gideon finding something to believe in in the way the adept/cavalier bond is sold to her—although we see that bond encompass many different types of relationships it is in Gideon and Harrow’s case speaking to how romantic love (much like that forgiveness!) is not immediately and entirely redemptive. I mean, Muir does say the series is about how love can be redemptive, but I think can be is the operative phrase here, in that it’s also first demonstrating the ways it’s not, or at least not always the way we think it will be--the limits and then the power. Trying to set that aspect of the relationship aside (like a “sisters” route or something similar) is a weak and queasy side-stepping of the issue.

Remember that interview where Muir says something along the lines of like, she didn’t write it as necessarily romantic but definitely homoerotic? Yeah.

Despite all that I do want to make it clear that I hope Gideon and Harrow work it out in the end. Just don’t assume the narrative does not understand what working it out might entail. And who knows? I might have the read all wrong. Maybe Muir doesn’t understand what she’s doing. But I feel pretty compelled by the textual evidence.

#gideon the ninth #gideon nav #the locked tomb #gideon the ninth spoilers #harrow the ninth spoilers

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nose-bandaid · 4 years

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the moon told me so ☾~

Wonwoo x (gender neutral) Reader | soulmate AU angst | 4.5k words

synopsis: in a world where you and your soulmate share a special marking that appears on one’s body at the age of 18 or later. you were wonwoo’s, but wonwoo was no one’s, and you were the fool who didn’t say a word about it. alternatively:

you are in love with jeon wonwoo, but jeon wonwoo isn’t ready to love yet.

a/n: i uh, feel kinda shy posting this lmao but i hope you enjoy:))

sequel: the little flower on your wrist and the epilogue: kairosclerosis

=====

“When are you going to tell him?”

“Tell who?”

Seungkwan sighed and gave you a knowing look. “Wonwoo, who else would I be talking about?”

“I don’t have anything I need to say to him.” You muttered into the warm knitted scarf wrapped around your neck. The snow fell gently around you in large clumps — the kids on your street were sure to be delighted when they wake up to that. It wouldn’t be long before you started seeing snowmen pop up one by one, all with little carrots and hats decorating them, giving them life. However, to you, the snow only added to the weight in your heart. The peaceful, yet lonely atmosphere made you want to curl back into your bed and sleep your sadness away. And then you could hope that maybe when you woke up, all of your problems would be solved.

Yes, that sounded like a much better option, compared to standing around in the cold weather, waiting for a late taxi. But you promised him that you would show up today. As much as you didn’t want to, you weren’t one to break the promises you made. Promises were meant to be kept.

And so, you woke up at a horrid 4 am today and dressed yourself with the best outfit your sluggish mind could think of. All to make sure that you were at the airport on time, just for him.

“Y/n... this might be your last chance. I mean, this is already terribly last minute for you to do so, but we also have no idea when he’ll come back.” Seungkwan’s voice softened when he noticed your stressed demeanour.

“Listen, I know, okay? I’ll tell him today, I’ve been preparing what to say for the past week. I just... I just need to get myself together, that’s all.” The words spilled out of your mouth as you tried to get him to stop nagging.

Before you could get a response, the taxi pulled up in front of you, and you busied yourself with getting a seat in the back while Seungkwan relayed the destination to the driver. He then took a seat in the passenger’s side, leaving you alone in the back with the little present you brought with you by your side.

The whole car ride was silent, minus the soft music that played from the radio — some kind of ambient jazz that only made the atmosphere even more awkward. You fidgeted with the bracelet dangling on your wrist and looked out the window, the yellow beads clinking against each other to add some noise to the silence. The buildings passed by with a blur, and every so often you would come across a location that prompted a treasured memory in you.

The mall that you and Wonwoo would visit almost everyday during middle school. Your parents weren’t the fondest of the idea that you guys were going there so often, but you went either way. There was ice cream to be eaten, game demos to be played, outfits (that you could definitely not afford) to try on, and snacks to be bought.

The arcade that you so daringly visited when you were supposed to be in class. It was Mingyu who had suggested the idea, as a joke, but everyone started getting on board with it and soon you were roped into the adventure too. None of you guys were really the type to skip school, the thought just never visited your mind, and you had other things to worry about. On that day though, you decided to let yourself be just the slightest bit free, and with a little convincing, you got Wonwoo of all people, to come along too.

That day was a blast, the thrill of rebellion, the refreshing taste of freedom, even the stuffiness of the arcade was bearable — your uniform was far too warm for the environment. Miraculously, there was no big punishment for your absence when you returned, just a light scolding, and that simply heightened the excitement of the day. You never pulled such an act ever again, but you most definitely held that memory dear to your heart. Because on that day, Wonwoo’s smiles were almost a thousand times brighter than usual.

Your eyes flickered between the trees that trickled their way into your view, and they steadily grew in numbers to paint a forest in front of you. Though their leaves were barren and their branches were heavy with snow, all you could think of were the lush green forests that surrounded the cottage you visited almost a year ago. The one that you and your friends rented out, the one that housed some of the happiest moments in your life, the one that echoed some of the loudest laughs ever, the one that kept you warm under the cool night, as you snuggled into each other’s arms.

The one that witnessed your life fall apart.

-----

You remembered that dreary day, when Wonwoo pulled you aside from the others and into a little alcove in the forest nearby, a nervous look painted on his face. Your friend group had decided to spend the warm weekend at the cottage to celebrate Wonwoo’s birthday and new soulmate mark. They all insisted that it was tradition to host an all-out celebration for the occasion, despite the boy’s refusals. If they celebrated for the others, they had to celebrate for him as well.

You were all about to head to the beach for a swim before barbecuing some dinner, the weather was a comfortable mix of the warm sun and the cool breeze. It should’ve been perfect.

Let’s put an emphasis on should’ve.

When you finished changing, before you could catch up to the others who were already dunking themselves into the frigid water, laughter getting lost in the vast forest, Wonwoo stopped you at the front door with a gentle grip on your arm. From the looks of it, he’d been waiting for you for a while.

“Hey y/n... could we talk for a minute?”

And that question brought you to a wooden bench in a small clearing, hidden away from the others’ sight. The sunlight filtered through the leaves above, casting a delicate pattern around you. The air of uneasiness between you two was so contrasting to the mood a few moments ago, that you were immediately filled with worry. The last time you saw Wonwoo, he was laughing his head off with Mingyu and Seokmin over a stupid dad joke that someone made. Now, there was no trace of that former carefree personality.

“Wonwoo what’s up? Is something wrong?”

He bit his lip, clearly deep in thought. “You know how I’m supposed to be getting my mark tomorrow?”

You nodded. “Yeah, that’s why we all came here to celebrate right? Is it too much for you? I can tell the others to cool off on the partying, I know they can be overwhelming.”

“No it’s not that, I don’t mind it. It’s just... I’m honestly not so sure about this whole soulmate thing.” His voice was small and his shoulder tensed as he awaited your response.

“Like, you’re worried about the mark not showing up tomorrow?”

“No, I’m worried that I won’t be able to love my soulmate the way I’m supposed to.” He clarified, a bit firmer now.

Your heart stopped.

“Well,” You you pursed your lips as your mind raced to gather the best way to respond. “You could always just tell them right? That you’re not ready for a relationship, I’m sure they would understand.”

“But what if I’m never ready?” His confidence had suddenly disappeared, and you could feel that he was getting panicky, so you rested a gentle hand on his thigh to calm him down. “That feels so unfair to them. Like I’m going against fate.”

You swallowed back the emotions building up in your throat. You were hoping for the already low chance that he would be your soulmate, that maybe the stars would be in your favour and offer you an easy happy ending of some sort. After all these years together, you felt that there was almost no way that you couldn’t be paired together in some way. But now, even if you were soulmates, Wonwoo had just denied the only possibility for you to get together. Romantically, at least. Which was unfortunately, what you’ve been hoping for all this time.

“You could always just be friends right? There’s some people out there who just decide to be friends and there’s nothing wrong with that. Soulmates aren’t always about romantic love.” It was the best you could offer. You were fine with pushing back your feelings for him if it meant that he’ll be happy with his decision. The last thing you wanted to do was force your love onto him.

“Yeah but do you really know anyone who’s done that? Y/n, everyone around us started dating their soulmate the moment they found them. They’re going to come to me with that mindset and I’m going to have to shut them down.” He paused. “The person that they’ve been searching for all their lives will be shutting them down. Don’t you think that’s harsh on my part? That I should just suck it up and get together with them?”

“Wonwoo, I can’t speak up on behalf of your soulmate,” You choked back the pitiful laugh building up in your throat. “but if they’re supposed to be the perfect match for you, I think they would try their best to understand your feelings, because you deserve to be matched with one of the kindest people in the world.”

He didn’t take his gaze off the pebbles his shoes prodded at, and you took that as a sign to continue.

“With that said, let’s just enjoy today, and all the other days to come as we wait for your soulmate. And when they come along, we’ll take things one step at a time, and work through the problem as it plays along. Worrying about it beforehand isn’t going to do you any good, don’t you agree? That’s what you told me before right?”

Wonwoo slowly nodded and slipped his hands back onto his lap. “You’re right, I’m worrying too much about something that hasn’t happened to me yet. What if I don’t even get my mark this year? I won’t be able to totally forget the problem, but I’ll try my best to put it aside for now.” He smiled softly to himself, and you patted his shoulder.

“That’s the spirit! So you wanna go back to the others and go for a swim? If you’re up to it?”

“Yeah, I think that would be nice. Thanks for listening, y/n.” He got up from the bench and offered you a hand which you gratefully took. Silence settled between you too as you made your way out of the forest and back to the beach. The others were quick to notice you and began eagerly calling for you guys to jump in. Before you gave in to their persistent requests, you paused for a moment and started talking again.

“Oh, and Wonwoo?”

He stopped a few steps ahead of you and turned around. “Yeah?” He looked much lighter than he did a few moments ago, but for some reason, your heart broke a little at his happiness.

You gave him a downcast smile, and if he sensed the dismal tone in your voice, he didn’t say anything about it. “Just know that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to love your soulmate platonically. I have a good feeling they’ll understand.”

Maybe you had gotten a bit ahead of yourself that day by assuming that you were going to be soulmates. No matter how much you felt that connection in your heart, Wonwoo himself never showed any signs of feeling it too. This whole thinking-that-he-was-your-soulmate-before-it-was-even-confirmed thing could’ve just been your mind being a mix of delusional and hopeful. But you said what you said, and it’s not like he noticed any of your hints anyways.

And it’s not like he ever will notice.

------

The next day, you woke up with a tight arm wrapped around your waist and the sun shining on your face. If it was any other day, you would’ve simply closed your eyes and fallen back asleep without caring so much about what time it was, but thankfully you had enough sense in you to remember the date.

July 17th.

Lifting your head fully off the pillow, you followed the arm hugging you to find Chan, buried underneath a soft blanket, still snoring away. Nudging him lightly, he stirred and moved his arm to rub his eyes, freeing you.

“Morning, Chan.” You poked his nose.

He let out a few incoherent mumbles before opening his eyes and looking at you. “What?”

“It’s Wonwoo’s birthday we gotta wake up and get the others.”

“Can’t we do that in a few minutes?” He whined, and tried to return to his pillow, but you were quicker, and pulled him into a sitting position.

“No we can’t, silly, we have things to do before he wakes up.” After a little bit of bickering between you two, you finally managed to convince him to get up and he left to go take a shower. You let out a quiet sigh. One down.

Turning to the couch nearby you looked at Jun who was still sleeping soundly.

11 more to go...

By the time everyone woke up and the celebration kicked off, it was already late morning and you all settled on ordering some pizza for lunch and a couple of the boys left to pick up the food (being located in a remote cottage made it a little difficult for a pizza guy to come here out of the blue). As you waited for the food, everyone went about and did their own things to kill the time, and you found Wonwoo sitting alone on the porch. Joining him, you gave him a playful punch on the shoulder and smirked.

“Hey there, birthday boy.”

He returned the smile with little enthusiasm and you could tell a lot was on his mind.

“Everything good? You’re not worrying about your soulmate are you?” You asked.

Wonwoo averted his eyes from your gaze. “I’m just thinking about it a little bit.”

“So...” You tried your best to play it cool. “I guess what we’re all wondering is whether you’ve gotten your mark or not?”

You could’ve just dropped the topic and not asked him, more for your own good than his, because you would surely lose it if you spent another minute thinking about your soulmate. On the other hand, it would’ve been a little selfish if you chose to completely ignore the whole getting your mark on your birthday thing, but let’s be honest — what were you going to do after seeing it? Some things are better left unknown, and yet, you asked him anyways.

He hesitated for a moment before rolling up the sleeve of the hoodie he was wearing. The sun was bright outside and the humidity was definitely at a high, he must’ve been absolutely melting in that outfit, but now you knew why he dressed so conservatively today. “Yeah, I did.”

He angled himself towards you and you stared at the moon crescent just below his wrist. In place of the stars usually found in the sky, small flowers were scattered here and there. It was a beautiful, yet simple design.

Unconsciously you crossed your legs and rubbed your ankle, where the exact same design sat, hidden underneath the socks you always wore.

“That design really suits you.”

It was all you could choke out without giving anything away. No matter how hard you tried, nothing could stop the rush of emotions building up in your throat. You wanted to scream out loud, you wanted to cry out to Wonwoo, because what the hell did you do to deserve this fate? Out of all the people in the world, why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be you? You were losing it.

And so you fled. Like the fool you were, you fled.

Giving him a gentle pat on his shoulder, you excused yourself and went straight back into the cottage and into the bedroom. You didn’t leave until Chan came in and asked if you were alright and to that, you spilled everything. You didn’t care about Wonwoo’s secret at that point, because you just needed to have someone to confide with. Someone to understand you.

Though some of the story was quite a shock to him, especially considering the fact that you’ve been keeping your soulmate mark hidden from all of them, Chan listened to you with all seriousness. In the middle of your rambling, Seungkwan also walked in to see what was taking you so long. The tears on your cheek probably weren’t the best thing for him to see, but deep down, you were happy to have another person to talk to. And as you did, he looked at you with empathetic, almost pitiful eyes.

It was terrible, but still relieving.

You promised each other to keep your secret between the three of you. The others didn’t need any extra drama in their lives, and besides, they weren’t supposed to be aware of Wonwoo’s secret until he decided to tell them himself.

You spent the rest of the vacation distancing yourself from him, and instead, you stuck by Chan and Seungkwan’s sides, and they made sure to take care of you, which was something you’ll forever be grateful for. Whenever Wonwoo made his way towards you, one of them would create some sort of distraction or pipe up a new conversation to drag you away from the man in question. Eventually, he seemed to get the message that you didn’t want to be around him and didn’t try to approach you for the rest of the time there.

You felt bad. So bad for ignoring him. It was his birthday for God’s sake, and you — his best friend — were ignoring him on his birthday.

It wasn’t his fault. It totally wasn’t his fault for not wanting to be in a relationship. Just like how it wasn’t really your fault for falling head over heels for him. For loving the wrong person. But it happened against your will, and now you have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

If you had said just one more word to him on that day, would things have turned out differently? Maybe you would’ve gotten together? Maybe you would’ve come to terms as just friends?

Maybe, at least, you wouldn’t have drifted.

-----

“Happy birthday y/n.”

Wonwoo slid a neatly wrapped present across the table and you ripped it open without much hesitation, too excited to see what was inside.

It was the sweater you’ve always wanted, a soft royal purple that was decorated with constellations along the sleeves and a moon on its chest pocket. Honestly, you were interested in the sweater because it reminded you of a certain someone, and you wanted to wear it because it made you think of him. You hadn’t told him about it though, and you silently wondered how he found out.

“This doesn’t make up for anything though.” You muttered childishly and took a sip of the cool drink in front of you. You were referring to the news he dropped on you just moments before giving you the gift.

He nervously adjusted his glasses. “I’m sorry. Even I’m unhappy about moving across the world, but at the same time... y/n... this is my dream.”

You sighed and put down the drink. “I know. I’m just upset that we won’t be able to see each other for who knows how long.” You paused to think for a moment. “How long are you going to be gone for anyways?”

“At least 4 years.” He said in a small voice. “4 years for school and if I can get myself a job...” He let out a sigh in defeat.

“I don’t really know how long I’ll be there for.”

“Wow.” You breathed out. “So like I’ll really have to say goodbye then, right?”

“There’s still time, it’ll take a few months for everything to be planned and settled so don’t worry. But let’s just ignore that for now,” He swatted his hand int he air as if it would get rid of the gloomy mood settling over the table. “So much for a birthday gift right? I’m sorry for bringing this up today of all days, but I thought you deserved to know.” He smiled sadly.

“It’s fine. I appreciate you telling me right away.” You fiddled with the tag of the sweater in your hands. Ah, what the heck. Ripping off the tag entirely, you slipped the sweater on top of the clothes you were currently wearing. It was comfy, albeit a little bit stuffy with all the layers you had on, but you didn’t mind. “Thank you for the sweater by the way, I really like it, how did you know?”

“I had to do a little bit of digging to find that out.” He laughed. “I’ve noticed that you’ve been really close to Chan recently so I asked him if he knew anything about what you wanted for your birthday.”

“Ah.”

You couldn’t tell if he was hinting something about being jealous of your friendship with Chan, or if he was simply stating what he saw. You also didn’t bother to ask. The two of you sat in silence for a few minutes.

After your time at the cottage, things had fallen a little awkward between you two. You didn’t ignore him outright, you still had your usual conversations from time to time, but it was clear that at one point, you fell from best friends to practically acquaintances. Which probably was the opposite of what both of you wanted. While things have slowly been getting better overtime, the awkwardness between you two was still unbearable.

“Also...” He started tentatively.

“Mhm?”

“I was wondering if you got your mark?”

Right. He still doesn’t know. No one knew really, your own mark was still a secret kept between you, Chan, and Seungkwan. And you were planning to keep it what way, especially now that you knew that Wonwoo was literally going to disappear entirely from your life sometime soon. You knew it was a bit of a stretch to assume that. With all the technology that existed in the world, obviously you’d still be able to connect, even if there was a time difference. And surely Wonwoo would visit you guys once in a while. because he wouldn’t completely forget about you... right?

As much as you hated to admit it, no matter how hard the two of you tried, you were bound to lose each other someday. The man you loved, and still love, so dearly, will ambitiously pursue his dreams on the other side of the world while you, the lover, will miss your only chance to set things right.

You were being given another opportunity to tell him about your mark. Life was being kind enough to let you make up for your mistake at the cottage. And yet, you still looked into the eyes of your soulmate, and lied through your teeth, plastering on that same polite smile you’ve used over and over again, whenever someone asked you about your mark.

“No, not yet.”

“Oh,” His eyes darted away from yours. “I’m sorry for asking.”

“No, no, it’s alright. I guess I’m just one of those rare cases, maybe I’ll finally get it next year.” You gave him a sad smile, which really wasn’t too hard to muster.

“You’ll find your soulmate soon, y/n. Don’t worry about it.” He gave you a reassuring smile and put his hand on top of the one you had on the table.

Yeah, I won’t worry about it.

=====

The taxi jerked to a stop and you gazed into the windows of the busy airport. All kinds of people were bustling about, carrying their luggages, making frantic phone calls, corralling their kids, reuniting with loved ones. The door in front of you opened, and Seungkwan held out a hand to help you up.

“C’mon, let’s go.”

You took his hand and he gently held onto you the entire time he guided you through the winding hallways. People brushed against your shoulder but you were too focused on your racing heart to bother with an apology. When you saw Wonwoo along with a few others in the distance, your fingers nervously tightened their grip on the small gift bag in your hands.

You weren’t ready to see him yet.

There wasn’t enough time for you to create some sort of plan B, because plan A was really starting to sound stupid to you now. When Seungkwan nudged you to go say your goodbyes, you hesitantly shuffled up to him, opting to stare at his sneakers instead of his face. You felt kind of pathetic, to be honest.

“Here, this is for you.” You placed the small box into his hands and gingerly clasped it before finally letting go. He opened it and pulled out a bracelet, its intricate pattern matched the one on your wrist, except his beads were painted a deep navy blue and white.

“A bracelet?” He questioned as he slipped it onto his wrist, the small bell attached chimed along with its movement. It fit him perfectly. “Thanks y/n, you didn’t have to.”

“How could I not give you something before you go?” You countered.

“Hey, why are you acting like I’m leaving for good or something?” He joked lightly and ruffled your hair, which was rare coming from him. Usually it was the other boys who did that to you, but it’s not like you were going to refuse it. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Well that was a blatant lie. Though neither of you knew when he would be back, it was guaranteed that he would be gone for at least a few years. And if he ended up getting a job there, you might as well kiss goodbye to any chance of seeing him until you can manage your own work life. Maybe one day, you would be able to gather enough money to pay him a visit.

“I just want to make sure you have something to remember me by.” You answered softly, still refusing to look in his eyes. “In case we don’t get to see each other again.”

In case we drift apart like we already have.

“I’ll make sure to stay in contact, I promise.”

You opened your mouth to reply as the first tear dripped onto your cheeks.

I’m your soulmate Wonwoo. Since day one, I’ve always been in love with you, so please come home soon and we can figure things out. I can wait for you.

That’s what you were supposed to say. Your mind screamed at you to say the words you so diligently rehearsed all morning, but instead you asked him in a shaky voice. “Do you think you’re going to meet your soulmate there?”

He must’ve mistook the regret in your voice as sadness over his departure, because he didn’t question your tone.

“I just might meet them, y/n.” You hated the way he sounded hopeful saying that. And then you proceeded to hate yourself for thinking that way.

“I really thought my soulmate would be someone here, but I guess not. The world works in funny ways.” He laughed a little, and it just added to the awkwardness between you two.

But it’s me, I’m your soulmate Wonwoo, do you not feel it too?

“I also still don’t know if I’m ready to do anything romantically yet.“ He added.

You simply nodded and looked straight into his eyes, vision was blurry with tears, but you still gave him the warmest smile you could possibly muster.

As of today, you’ve finally made your decision. If you were going to say goodbye to him like this, you were also going to say goodbye to the feelings you had for him. You’ll learn to move on. Like any other problem you’ve faced in life, you’ll eventually move on. And if you were going to say goodbye to him like this, you wanted to at least send him off with the best version of you.

He’d always told you he liked your smile.

“I see, well, I won’t keep you any longer and say goodbye then, Wonwoo.” You squeezed his hand firmly for the last time.

He returned the smile. “Goodbye, y/n. We’ll meet again soon.”

#seventeen #seventeen fanfic #seventeen angst #seventeen fluff #seventeen wonwoo #wonwoo #jeon wonwoo #wonwoo fanfic #wonwoo fluff #wonwoo angst #seventeen x reader #wonwoo x reader #seventeen soulmate au #nose-bandaid

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rayshippouuchiha · 3 years

Note

Hi! I just wanted to ask you as a reader that how do you stop reading or dial-back. Because I fucking can’t.

So basically:

I’ve been reading for a few years and ever since I got hooked I got hooked. To the point that it’s become a serious issue. I don’t do anything except read, everytime I try to do something else I just latch onto reading again. I ignore sleep, school, food, etc for reading and I can’t stop.

I love reading, but I’m starting to get really bad grades and I don’t know how to stop my obsession.

Do you have any tips for how to concentrate on other things for a few hours?

I’m someone who tends to hyper-fixate so this has been and still is an issue for me too.

Now keep in mind that I’m not a professional and this is just my personal experience so what works for me might not work for you. If this is becoming a serious issue to the point that it’s impacting your health and daily life so badly then there’s likely an underlying issue and I highly encourage you to seek help from a professional or to reach out to a family member you can trust if possible.

So, for me, when reading or a hyperfixation gets in the way of something I absolutely have to do I tend to force myself into a rewards based system, which is arguably not always the best or healthiest mindset to encourage but it was one of the few avenues open to me.

Like in school if I knew I had homework or whatever but my current hyperfixation was being an issue I would break things up. I would tell myself “If I do this worksheet I can read for 30 minutes” simple things like that. Or I would tell myself that the faster I got my work done the faster I could go back to my fixation guilt free.

Also self reflection could do you some good. Why is it reading? Is it actually the stories themselves or is it something else? Does reading just give you a sense of peace and relaxation? Do you think you could replicate those feelings elsewhere with maybe music or candles or anything of the like that could be tied into doing other activities?

Again I urge you to look for help closer to home if at all possible. Hyperfixating to that degree can often be a sign of an underlying issue and shouldn’t be ignored or brushed off.

#Anonymous #RayRambles

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kyotakumrau · 4 years

Text

2020.05.30 DIR EN GREY SPECIAL TALK - Q&A - Kyo and Kaoru - translation

(if you notice any mistakes, typos or have any comments, I appreciate them! ^ ^)

Joe (introduces the Q&A segment)- Question: Kinoko no sato or Takenoko no yama, which team are you? (it's a very popular question in Japan like are you a tea or a coffee person, or cream or jam first etc - those sweets are mushroom and bamboo shoot shaped, the chocolate content and cookie texture are different in each) Kyo- I prefer Kinoko (mushroom). Joe- Ah, you're Team Kinoko. Kyo- At first, I liked Takenoko (bamboo shoot) more, but I think everyone gets tricked by the cookie. Joe- The crunchiness of the Takenoko? Kyo- Yeah. But it's not about what's inside (?) Joe- I see, the chocolate part is more important. Kyo- Exactly. Joe- So as a result of thinking about chocolate, Kinoko wins. Kyo- Yeah. Joe- And how about you, Kaoru? Kaoru- Both are okay (laughing) Joe- (??) ok, both, thank you for the answer. A response of an adult. So many comments and questions.

Joe (reads)- 'You talked about getting tattoos earlier, please show us your new tattoos' (Kyo starts stirring) If possible. Kyo- How much will I get for it? Joe- How much? (in English) Depends on money. (=wanna see, pay...) (they laugh, a bit awkward) Kyo- Anyway, it's in a place you can't see. Joe- By the place you can't see you mean you shouldn't show it. Kyo- I would have to take my pants off. Joe- That would be a bit weird. Did you get any new tattoos, Kaoru? Kaoru- Nah. It's painful so nah. Joe- You didn't because it's painful? Kaoru- I'm paying for it, why does it have to come with pain? Kyo- That's how it is. Joe- Yeah... But talking with me on the radio, isn't that a torture? (laughing) Kyo- It is a torture. But I will write about tattoos in my post in Haiiro, so interested fanclub members should check it.

Joe (reads)- 'Kaoru, how many mugs do you have at the studio?' Kaoru- A lot. Joe- A lot. Okay. Next question, ah it's so fast, woah.

(he struggles with picking a question) Can both of you just talk together on your own? Go ahead! (... XD) Kyo- When you say 'go ahead'... (awkward chuckles XD) Kyo- Oh, I can read the comments here? Ah. I see.

Joe- Those two are not talking. Then, let's go with this. 'Kaoru, please tell us about some chords you just thought about' Kaoru- I don't know. Really. Joe- You're serious? Kaoru- Yeah, I can't think of any.

Joe- Actually, you both used to live together in the past, right? Kaoru- Yeah we did. Joe- When you were broke. Kyo- Eating beansprouts (=they are super cheap, even like 20~70 yen per pack). Joe- What did you talk about when you lived together? (he laughs to himself about eating beansprouts when broke) Kyo- When going to the studio we went together. Joe- So did you confirm like 'what time should we leave tomorrow'? Kaoru- What was it like? I can't remember anymore. Kyo- We probably did that. Joe- You lived on the same floor with a shared toilet right? In one apartment? KK- Yeah Joe- As fellow adults, after you came of age. Kyo- Yup. But, there was one more guy, from the company. We lived 3 guys together. Joe- Is there any story about that time you can share with us now? Kaoru- The living room was quite big. Because we had that space we had members' costumes (Kyo's painful reaction)there, preparing stage sets there and so on. There was a lot of stuff around. Joe- Hehe. So instead of a peaceful living space it was more like an office? Kaoru- But each of us had our own room. Joe- I see. So Kyo, can you share with us anything you remember from that time? Kyo- Costumes were by the window. And there were train tracks just in front of our windows. So you could see the costumes from the train. Joe- I see. So if by chance a fan saw that they'd know. Kyo- Probably. Joe- And the train passengers'd think 'what's that?'

Kyo- But at that time we really didn't have any money. I just remember being hungry. Joe- But beansprouts don't even cost 100 yen. Kyo- I think... we both got beansprouts... (?) Kaoru- We really couldn't buy much. We really didn't get much money then. Joe- Were you at least able to cook those beansprouts? You didn't eat them raw? Kyo- No, we cooked them. Joe- Which one of you did the cooking? Kyo- Each of us cooked. Joe- And each ate beansprouts. Kyo- That situation continued until around the time we did Nakano two or three day event in our indies period, maybe a bit after that. Joe- NO WAY. Kaoru- Yup, until around Nakano Sunplaza shows (=August 1998). It got slightly better around Shibuya Koukaido (=May 1998). Joe- ...oh. You were eating beansprouts until Nakano Sunplaza, that's some story. Kyo- I wasn't even able to buy McDonald's set. Really. I was so envious (of others). Joe- I see. So when you finally became able to feed yourselves as musicians, what did you eat then? As a 'finally, as a musician, I made it!' (KK both thinking) Kyo- Food...I don't have a memory like 'I can eat this because I finally made it', but there was a time when Tommy, our president now, learnt that we don't have money, he treated us to a meal and gave us some money. That time I had McDonalds. I only have this memory that I could die happily then it was so good. Joe- With the money you received you had McDonalds and it was delicious. Kyo- It was amazing.

Joe- How about you, leader? (watermelons are considered a bit expensive fruit, usually you buy a cut, not a whole watermelon) Kaoru- As for me... I got a whole watermelon and I was eating it by myself, that time I thought I'm not getting any income and felt really guilty. Joe- Like it was too expensive/lavish (?) Kaoru- As I thought that the watermelon started to taste bad. I finished eating it thinking 'I'm sorry mum'. Joe- Ah Kaoru- I thought it's much better to cut it into pieces and then eat. Joe- Yeah. That's also a good story.

Joe- There are so many comments. (reads) 'Kaoru and Kyo, what clothing brands are you wearing?' Kyo- I will make an instagram post later. Joe- What about you, Kaoru? Kaoru- Ah, it's something I received. Joe- Oh, a present. Is it a t-shirt? Kaoru- It's not a [cotton] t-shirt, it's hemp. Joe- Like linen? Kaoru- It's a type of folk clothing.

Joe (reads)- 'What do you usually talk about?' Kyo- About movies, mostly about the band, like 'this would be good for the next single' etc. Basically we talk about music a lot. Joe - About movies and music. Kaoru- Yeah. Joe- When was the last time the two of you talked together? Kaoru- It's been a while to actually talk. (not use messages) Joe- Really? Kaoru- Since Europe... yeah, no chance at the March show, the last time we talked properly was in Europe. So not since the tour. (silence)

Joe- Then as we have this opportunity, could you talk together for 2, 3 minutes? And I will pick up some questions. (he 'frames out' XD)

Kyo- Talking is actually not that easy... (We can hear Joe's laugh XD) Kaoru- Yeah. Joe talks a lot. Kyo- Yeah... (Joe laughs harder) Kaoru- Right? Just keeps talking... He enjoys having people at loss. Kyo- (laughs) I see.

Karu- Last week Toshiya was drunk, so it was quite interesting, right? Kyo- Ah, I didn't watch. Kaoru- I didn't watch after my part finished, but he was really drunk. (Kyo starts laughing) I felt sorry for Die (he laughs) Kyo- That's unusual. Kaoru- He was really drunk. Probably he was drinking while watching the show. (?) Toshiya can't really drink so much. Kyo- True, usually after we finish playing he will only drink a little. Kaoru- Usually until Shinya starts messing around. Shinya would poke fun at Fujieda. Kyo- Yeah. (he laughs) Fujieda, huh... ...silence >w< Kaoru- It's not easy to talk, huh! Joe! ( ??)

(Joe returns)- Sorry, you were troubled, but everyone wanted to see the members talking. I got some info from the staff that you're working on a project members produced (designed) t-shirts, but I don't know the details. Is it all settled? Kaoru? Kaoru- No, it's all settled. We will be selling t-shirts, each member making their own design. Just that. Joe- I see. Have you started designing? Kaoru- I've already finished, waiting for other members (?), but mine’s not printed yet, so I'm waiting. Joe- How about you, Kyo? Kyo- Just back side left. Joe- So the front design is done. Kyo (nods)- That's right. Joe- When will you start selling them? Kaoru- I don't know yet. Joe- Details will likely be posted on OHP. Or please check the fancub magazine. All members designing their own t-shirts.

Joe- So as you can't tour, can't play shows and fans can't see your shows, we all are getting restless. Kyo how do you feel about the current situation? Kyo- Hmm... I don't want to say anything inappropriate... there are so many things involved. I think that saying you want to do something is maybe not right. Forcing things is probably also not right, but saying that, it's also not good to do nothing... So, it will take some time until we can play shows, that's why, we all think about what we can do only at the time like this, all members think the same. Joe- I see. How about you, Kaoru? Kaoru- Right. One thing at a time. Next month baseball comes back, movie theatres will open. The possibility to hold shows will be after after after all those other steps. Joe- Like Kyo said, what you want to do and actually can do and what people will enjoy, you have to be able to make all three work well together. Kaoru- I'm doing everything with the mindset that we can do Pia Arena somehow, but there's still no announcement what will happen with the shows. If I didn't have this mindset that it’s possible, what then? But I'm thinking we should make an announcement. So. Joe- Of course there are many comments saying 'I want to go to the concert soon!' or 'We love you!' Kyo, are you checking the comments? (Kyo nods) Everyone, please stay strong a bit longer. What will happen with the July shows is something on everyone's mind. But at the current situation it's hard to say if they will happen or not.

Joe- There are many comments asking you to make masks. What do you think? Kaoru- Masks? Joe- Yeah, there are many comments, like that. Kyo- Yeah, I can see many. Kaoru- Joe- The pandemic situation might last for a long time. Right now you can buy masks in some shops fine, but seeing the masks used for example in France, most of them are quite distinctive. In Japan we only have white or some black, no other colours. So it'd be nice to have colourful masks or masks for summer. If anything it'd be great to have not only a t-shirt of your fav band but also a mask, as a message in a way. Look (at comments) DIR mask, DILL mask (laughing). Kaoru- But it'd be hard to fit ‘DIR EN GREY’ on a mask. Joe- But the same way you create tour t-shirts, do the same. Kaoru- Okay. In the end we will be wearing masks for quite some time. Joe- And when concerts start again it's very possible that fans will have to be wearing masks. So in the future t-shirt and mask will be a set for every concert goer. Kyo, did you see any interesting comments? Kyo- It's true that there are many comments asking about masks. So, if we have a chance to do it we will.

Joe- Will you do something like this special talk again? Toshiya said that in a situation there are no concerts for some time he doesn't mind doing it one more time. How about it, Kyo? Kyo- Well... I don't really want to do it. But before that, we had an audio stream, right? I wouldn't mind doing that again.

(bad connection time)

Joe- How about you Kaoru, would you do a talk stream again? Kaoru- Sorry, the connection is bad. (Joe repeats, probably) Well, once in a while... I will think about something we can do next.

(next Joe says musicians prefer to communicate with fans through concerts, but we can get some encouragement through special projects like this; but connection is bad again)

Joe- At the moment over 14969 people are watching us, can you [give us some message]? Let's start with Kyo.

Kyo- Huh, what should I say... We lost many types of freedom, all of us. It's tough. It's the same for me. Let's stay strong a bit longer. A bit more. Joe- And then, a message from the leader to wrap this up. Kaoru- The connection is still bad, can you hear me? Joe- Yeah, we can. Kaoru- It's a very tough time, but I'm really hoping we will be able to play concerts again soon. But, as I keep thinking about things we are able to do in this period, I'm waiting for the time we can all meet again on the stage.

Joe reads comments about all 5 members doing a stream together. Kyo- With 5 people... Kaoru- it would be hard to follow (?), it'd be hard to know who is talking at the time. It'd be difficult. Will all members.

(bad connection again, Kaoru repeats that with too many members it'd be difficult, 3~2 are better)

Joe- but there is a chance to have members create different teams. (bad connection, Joe thanks everyone for watching, he's also looking forward to the next dir show)

#dir en grey #kyo #kaoru #joe yokomizo #translation #DIRENGREYSP #薫 #京

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fallenrepublick · 4 years

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OMG okay, I just made this account so I could follow you, like I've been reading all your stuff from a while now, but always from the browser, not the app because I was honestly too lazy to download it... Lol Anyways, your writing is just PERFECTION. 💖 If you are taking requests I would love to see what if Maul just found out he had a kid with you when he always thought you died over a year ago? And now he suddenly reunites with you to find out not only that you're alive, but had a baby. Thx💖

Oh my god?? Thank you so much?? That’s so nice of you goddamn???

Warnings: It’s sorta angsty! Woah shocker amiright... OH and I KNOW that some of you are gonna be on my ass about this but I’m only gonna say this once. I KNOW THAT FEMALE ZABRAKS DON’T HAVE HORNS. I KNOW, OKAY?? I JUST DON’T CARE. Plus, we. have. never. seen. a. hybrid. zabrak. The genes could get fucked if it’s a hybrid, okay WE DON’T KNOW SO I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU LORE DETECTIVES IN MY INBOX GOING “uH aCTuALLy” BECAUSE I DON’T CARE

You. You. You. That was all Maul ever thought about these days. His failure.

Granted, he had certainly failed in many instances before, but never like this. He had conquered this gods-forsaken planet for you. You. And then what? A nameless, faceless assassin dares to come take you from him? And the worst pain of all was that he wasn’t there. He wasn’t with you and you paid the price for it.

Knowing that one should let go of such a thing was much easier said than done, and though the loss had taken place over a year prior, it had no less devastating consequences on Maul’s psyche. People often said that one doesn’t know how much they have until they’ve lost everything, as if losing everything were some sort of punishment for an ungrateful mindset. Never had he been ungrateful for you. For other things, perhaps. But not you. And still, you were gone regardless.

The halls always felt empty, even when they were full, and the city lights seemed dimmer, even if they shone just as brightly as the day before. He rarely went out, and when he did, he kept to himself as always, finished his work, and went on his way. That was just the way it was. Before, you might have tugged at his arm, leading him through the streets, stopping and peering into windows, the warm light from inside reflecting off of your bright eyes. You might have stopped to listen to the lively melodies that sometimes played in the square or leaned over to look into the rippling fountain that stood in the middle still. Perhaps you would stop in the middle of the walk to close your eyes and feel the breeze on your face, the wind brushing your hair behind you, and a content smile resting on your lips. Not on this day, though.

No. This day, he was alone, as he had been for the past 365 days, and that meant his dark hood was pulled over his head, blocking out any light from touching his features. A shadow.

As he travelled, he ignored the commotion around him, the lives and existences of others completely meaningless to him in all respects, the less time he was forced to be among them the better. Though, he couldn’t help but imagine you there, smiling at him, laughing. He had to close his eyes and force his emotions back down when he felt tears threatening to fall.

But the moment of peace didn’t last. Without warning, he felt a pain in his chest, a tightening and almost stabbing sensation that sent him gasping and almost toppling over. Baring his teeth and holding his hand to his hearts, he stopped in his tracks, attempting to will the pain to cease, or at least identify any cause. Never had he sensed anything like this, but the ache was too prominent and forceful to ignore. He had to know.

Tenderly straightening himself back up, he studied the crowd, scanning faces, watching the tops of buildings. Something familiar. Far in the back. And with that, the pain subsided, at least temporarily.

If only for a moment he saw it, it was enough for him to go barreling through the crowd, pushing through bodies and dodging arms, damning his heavy mechanical legs for not being faster. His target had moved down an alley, behind the distant buildings, and he wondered for a moment if he had hallucinated it, an occurrence that wasn’t particularly rare these days.

But the desperate hope that it wasn’t his imagination drove him to follow still, his struggle across the obstacles acting as a sign from fate perhaps that he should stay away. He had never really paid much mind to fate anyways.

You. He stopped in his tracks, chest heaving from the rush of trying to catch up. You lowered the hood of your cloak, turning your head in his direction, eyes wide and curious. You were wearing the same thing as the last time he saw you, but you carried… something.

He didn’t know what to say to you. What was he supposed to say? All he did was shake his head, muscles tightening in shock, as if he had been thrown into an icy lake. You turned away, looking down, a sadness and form of shame written all over you.

“It can’t be,” he whispered, voice wavering and lip shaking. “You’re-”

“Dead?” you finished for him, contempt hidden under your words, though not necessarily directed towards him. “Yeah, I should be. I guess we can’t all get what we want, can we?”

Maul’s face looked as if he had just been shot. “Want? You think I wanted this?”

“You would’ve looked for me if you didn’t.” Hot tears had begun running down your cheeks. “I was left there, and I had to figure out how to get out on my own. Some bitch has a bounty on my head, and you didn’t think I should’ve at least known about it?”

“I searched for you,” he said, tentatively moving closer to you. You didn’t bother backing up. “Every minute of my life for six months. It was only when I had no choice to return that I stopped. Even now, I have search parties dedicated to finding you. Your presence has not left my mind for even a moment, my Starlight. I swear it.” He had finally reached you, taking hold of your upper arms, rubbing soothing circles into your skin with his thumbs. As his gaze met yours, you felt safe, the paths of his tattoos a pattern you could recreate even with your eyes shut. You hadn’t felt safe in a long time.

His eyes drifted down to the bundle of cloth in your arms, sea green and soft. Though, the majority of it wasn’t cloth at all.

“Eris,” you said, brushing at the sleeping child’s fuzzy hair. Small horns had already begun pricking up from her skull. “Only about four months old now.” You could visibly see him trying to do the math in his head. “...Yes, it’s yours, please relax.”

He nodded a moment, then stopped. “You named her without me.”

Your soft laugh sent waves of warmth through him, a sensation he had almost forgotten existed. His hand brushed against the baby’s cheek, lighter than yours in tone, as was a trait of the Night Sisters, but she had your eyes, and he thanked the gods for it.

“You are coming back?” he asked, his concern about how many of your feelings for him remained taking over. “You’ve no obligation to, but I could never live with myself if I let you go again. As it stands, I have nothing here for me anymore, and I would follow you to the ends of the galaxy if I had to. Staying at your side allows me to strive for all that I have no desire for on my own, if only to relieve any stray dissatisfaction that might torment you otherwise.”

Smiling, you looked up at him, a hand reaching up to hold his face. “I’m coming back. I’ve missed you. More than anything.”

#darth maul #darth maul x reader #darth maul x you #star wars x reader #star wars x you

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