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starry-bi-sky · 5 months

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Clone^2 Damian

If you really think about, Damian's situation in the clone^2 au is... kinda tragic? Especially in the early months of his arrival. Like,,, think about it. Damian has always known he was a clone of Damian Wayne, that he was a copy of the blood son. There was nothing 'original' about him, not even his name (of which at least Danny has that). He was just... a replacement. A disposable one, to boot.

And he knew that, to an extent, by the time he was six years old. he might not have been actively acknowledging it -- he's six years old -- but deep down he knew. And like, he's six years old. Every small child craves the love and affection of an adult, especially their parents, and even though he knew he was clone, I imagine he still considered - and still does consider, somewhat - Talia and Bruce as his mother and father. And I really doubt he was... getting it?

Now, I know Talia loves Damian, her son. At least in some interpretations she does, and in this au she does. But... a clone of her son? I'm not so certain if she would have the same affection for baby Dames as she would for Damian. I don't think she would treat him badly, but I don't think Talia would treat him warmly either. Kinda just, distant. Colder than she would have been with OG Damian.

And, I know I've mentioned Damian's arrival from Danny's point of view, and its kind of comical kind of insane from his perspective -- a little boy clone of Damian Wayne falls through a portal and immediately attacks him. That sounds like a bad joke.

But, if you think of this from Damian's point of view? It's like he just got dropped into a scary movie. Like, think about it. You're six years old, and suddenly a portal, as green and as swirling as your grandfather's pools, opens up beneath your feet and sucks you through.

After an intense bout of vertigo, you end up in a massive, urban city -- completely different from the rural mountain palace that you lived in for the last six years of your life, and in this city, you don't know any of the language. You don't know what anyone is saying, you can't read any of the signs - you are completely stranded, away from home.

And then, to make things worse, you're facing a figure with a terrifying mask and eyes as burning green as the portal you fell through. Of course Damian's first instinct, six years old, is to attack. He's terrified.

And this figure, he's not a good fighter, but he's fast, and he dodges you quickly. He grabs your sword with his hands, and tries to restrain you, saying something in a language you don't know. Naturally, Damian is just scared. He's six! He'd just be learning how to read if he was normal child going to school.

This figure halfway through the fight yanks off his mask -- he realizes you're scared -- and looking at you now, is a youthful version of your father. This is a clone of your dad, someone you have never met but, six years old, still wants to. Damian gets defensive. This is an imposter.

But this imposter eventually gets you home with him - and he's using his little box, his phone, to communicate with you through a mechanical voice speaking in arabic. and it's frustrating. The boy, the imposter, can say whatever to you just fine, but trying to talk back is a hassle and a half. He's six, he doesn't have that much patience.

He wants to go home.

And so he keeps trying to run away. He keeps trying to find out of this hellish concrete jungle, and he keeps getting lost. It's loud, and busy, and there are people talking to you and you don't understand them, and there are rules and signs you don't understand - Damian tries to cross the street and nearly gets hit by a car. He doesn't know how the road signs work, he was never taught. They didn't get to that.

And he gets lost. And it gets dark, and Damian is brave, but he is six, and this is the worst stress he's been under in all his six years of life. He wants, desperately more than anything, to go home. Why wouldn't he? The only stable... semi-stable environment he was in just got ripped out from under his feet, literally! He wants his mother.

And it's not happening.

But there's something good to be said, at least. The imposter that looks like his father always comes and finds him, no matter what. He could have left that morning, and he will find Damian at midnight, frazzled and worried, and carrying an extra jacket with him because it is cold in Amity Park and Damian is six years old.

And sometimes Damian attacks him - he's scared and stressed and he doesn't want to be here. And every time he catches the sword. Even though Damian can see it cut into his hand and pearls of blood well up and stains his fingers. Even though Damian can see him wince in pain and bite his lip, he still catches it.

But with that little box, he coaxes Damian to come back with him. It's cold, it's dark, Amity Park is unsafe at night. They can figure something out tomorrow, please. And every time, he agrees, reluctantly. And the imposter takes the extra jacket he brought with -- a flannel, a hoodie, a jacket -- and he wraps it around him. It's warm, Damian's clothes are not that thick, and even though he thinks he might hate this imposter, he still sticks close to his legs as he leads him down the street.

And sometimes the imposter carries him, because Damian's shoes are not that thick, and he cuts his foot on broken glass while they're walking home. The imposter sits in the bathroom with him and carefully cleans the cut out, and makes sure it doesn't get infected.

There's hope you know, he still has it. His mother will be looking for him. She'll be worried. He's important to them. Damian may not be the original, but he is still a blood son. He is still her son. She will come find him. This nightmare will end soon. He can go home.

And then weeks pass, and nothing. Then months, and nothing. His family is not coming for him, and it hurts. Hurts more than anything. And yet while that happens, the boy he's attacked, and hurt, teaches himself arabic in order to speak to him. He takes Damian out of the house one afternoon and buys him new clothes, or tries to. And then he keeps buying him new clothes. He gives him blankets and gives up his bed to him until they can get him one himself, and steadily he teaches Damian english.

This boy is kind. Kinder than Damian's ever experienced, and he doesn't know what to do with it. He's devastated by the fact that he is not as important to his family as his family is to him. What do you do when you're six years old and you learn something like that? When a random stranger who looks like your father is kinder to you, and cares more about you than your family did?

And then Damian tells him he's a clone. He's Damian Wayne's clone, and he tells him his purpose - that their grandfather made him to kill him. And the boy, the imposter, Damian thinks he probably already knows that he's a clone. But he doesn't say that. He just nods, and asks him if he wants to tell his original about him.

Damian says no. He doesn't want to. He's tired of living in the shadow of his original. He wants to keep this to himself. This is his. For once, all of this is his.

And to his surprise, the imposter doesn't try and convince him otherwise. He just nods, and says okay. And when Damian asks why, the imposter - his brother - looks at him and says.

"I don't care about Damian Wayne. I care about you." And in Damian's gobsmacked silence, his brother continues. He tells him that if Damian doesn't want to tell his original that he exists, then they don't need to. They don't need to worry about the LoA going after him, because clearly if his 'grandfather' needs to make a clone of Damian in order to take him out, then whatever it was that Damian Wayne was doing to keep himself safe, was working.

"Wayne already has people in his corner, he's got Gotham's army of vigilantes to keep himself safe." his brother says with his eyes as blue as moonlight. "You, however. Do not." And he continues, and says that if Damian Wayne has the same training as Damian does, then he will be fine. He doesn't need to be aware of his clone. Because if DW doesn't know about Damian, then the LoA doesn't either.

And here's the thing. Damian would not have survived in the LoA for long. Not as a clone. No matter what, he was going to die no matter what he did, and sooner rather than later. The sword of Damocles was always hanging above his head in the League of Assassins.

That portal, and meeting Danny, saved his life. There's no way around it. And to an extent Damian knows this even at six years old. He may not be aware that he would've died, but he knows that meeting Danny was the best thing to happen to him.

It's no wonder after that, that Damian is as clingy to Danny as he is. Danny is the first person he's met to offer him unconditional love, with no strings attached, only pure affection.

#dpxdc #dp x dc #dp x dc crossover #dpdc #dpxdc crossover #clone^2 #like god can you imagine how scared he must've been? how afraid? he just wants his mom - only to realize he doesnt even matter to her #dpxdc au #danny fenton is not the ghost king #this poor kid man. no wonder he latched onto danny the moment he gave up on the league like a leech. he's a six year old kid man and #it doesnt matter how smart he is or how mature he acts. he still is six years old. he still needs that validation and affection from adults #or from people older than him. and his emotional needs were just not being met in the league.#cue the song “two” from sleeping at last - some of their songs are very clone^2 honestly.#'sweetheart you look a little tired. when did you last eat? come in and make yourself right at home. stay as long as you need.'#'tell me is something wrong? if something's wrong you can count on me'#'its okay if you can't find the words. let me take your coat and this weight off of your shoulders'#'like a force to be reckoned with. am i the ocean or a gentle kiss. i will love you with every single thing i have'#'like a tidal wave i'll make a mess. or calm waters if that serves you best'#'i will love you without any strings attached'#like just. just *imagine* being in damian's shoes during all of this. he's *six* you guys. i've worked with six year olds and they're #pretty independent but they're still six. they get excited when they see their parents and they get upset when an adult is angry with them.#they're still developing their motor skills. they're still developing everything else!

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pocketramblr · 2 months

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I would do anything to save her.

This was supposed to just be drawing the Taoden siblings hugging a bunch but ah guess that Falin as the tower/princess/dragon post got into my head too much

#chapter sixty seven ruins me every day #but yeah i. have many thoughts #Laios feeding his hungry sister. playing with her hair. and then putting her down. Marcille compares it to sleeping #but his reaction and the fact that he spared Marcille from doing it.... it must have felt very much like tucking her in to sleep #and like what it was: suffocating her. keeping her from saying his name again. killing her.#both at once.#also just. Falin being covered with blood when she's resurrected. but when Laios kills her the only blood is his #and there's not a drop of it on her #something about Laios telling her the red in her cheeks was weird when they were kids. and keeping any of that spilling now.#yeah. when he said he'd do anything to get her back he meant ANYTHING!!!#Alt text #my art #for real tho. please send me the post if you know it so i can link it i can't find it anywhere love you tumblr search dysfunction #and if anyone else wants to go crazy with me about chapter sixty seven well!!! you know where i am!!!#dunmeshi spoilers #dungeon meshi spoilers #delicious in dungeon spoilers

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crowleys-ducks · 7 months

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Does anyone know how long the Gomens kiss lasts? How many seconds? Because of the Do It Again revelation, I'm once again freaking out over the fact that they kissed. So it never occurred to me just how long the kiss was until someone said it. It was a long kiss! Hella long! Not a little peck! Crowley latched onto Aziraphale's face like a suckerfish and brother he did not let go! And Aziraphale immediately wanted a second kiss! DO IT AGAIN! AHHHH!

#I can't sleep #i'm rotating them in my mind #Can anyone tell #Also #I totally decided against putting text on a picture of suckerfish #That says Kith Angel?#Because somehow the idea was hysterical #But I saved you the cursed image #Kith Angel. Hehehehe #I need. sleep.#Good omens kiss #aziraphale x crowley #good omens #ineffable husbands #do it again

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beanghostprincess · 2 months

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Sanuso cuddling and sleeping together is something so personal to me bc I think after Water 7/Enes Lobby Sanji won't let go of his sniper. Like. He clings to him like a koala, intentionally intertwining their legs together and being the big spoon and Usopp just melts there but won't stop thinking how stupid this is because he won't just disappear in the middle of the night.

But then he understands Sanji perfectly after WCI because when Sanji comes back to them, Usopp does the same thing when they sleep. But this time Usopp clings to him to help him sleep and shield him from the world during a few hours (and because he has missed his boyfriend too much, too) and Sanji is always abt to cry a little bit at first before getting comfy and instantly falling asleep in his arms.

#i want to sleep #can you tell i want to sleep #i have to go to work and i don't want to #this is awful someone throw me a piano so i don't work #anyway. i always think abt them sleeping when i can't sleep #it's 6am somebody save me #one piece #black leg sanji #usopp #sanuso

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melit0n · 2 months

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"And we go beyond the farthest reaches, where the light bends and wraps beneath us, and I know, as you collapse into me; this is the start of something."

#this one is absolutely DETRIMENTAL to my mental health #it gets worse each time I attempt to listen to it #if this monstrousity (lovingly) plays when I see them I don't think I'm actually making it out of the venue #one of you is gonna have to carry me in a ziplock bag because I'm just gonna be a puddle of tears #that's if I don't melt into the place itself #and that bloody breakdown #gets me everytime #I can literally see the cerulean wave crashing and dragging someone under #I can SEE the atoms collide I swear #this song means a lot to me if you guys can't tell #sleep token #st #telomeres #telomeres (song)#tpwbyt #this place will become your tomb #<- yeah it fucking will if that or Missing Limbs ever gets played live #Spotify #melitunes

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mattodore · 9 months

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morning kisses <3

#river dipping #theodore doe #matthias evanoff #a burning house to live in #echthroi #ts4 #video #🦇#i was listening to their playlist and taking screenshots of them before i was like. hang on. this is an animation... let me hit record #matthias's balls popping out for no damn reason in that last half a second and ruining the shot... time and place !#no but i fr don't know why this animation did that...#but sure why not #191cm you know it's big etc. etc.#...it's 11am and i haven't slept at all yet clearly <3 #loving that for me <333 #this is one of matthias's rooms if you can't tell... black everything can't make out SHIT on high contrast screens sawrrrrrryyyy #i can see it just fine on my end and that's what matters <3 #i've given up on trying to figure out how to make my preset work on other screens atp 🤷#anyway i did take screenshots of this too bc that's what i was originally doing in the first place...#so i might edit them a bit and post them later but idk... shrugs. it depends. rn i'm sleep deprived so i'm just like post whateverrrr #but later on when i've slept some the avpd might knock on my door scythe in hand again womp womp #also don't look at theo's mouth too closely... this animation is a liiiiiiiittle janky why lie #i was in game for like… six hours at least…… so as you can imagine i now have well over three hundred screenshots of mattodore lmaooo #i’m making up for the fact that all of my old screenshots are ruined by theo’s old hairline 😔

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summertimemusician · 8 months

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Linktober Day 6

Mask(s)

Soft and sweet with just a hint of melancholic because 1.I'm tired and probably need a nap father than coffee, 2.I actually managed to make a pretty good mocha and the Anchorage LOZ animatic came onto my playlist before writing this and it kind of influenced my mood, and 3. I'm saving the usual Majora's Mask flare of angst for another prompt because I was having way too much fun dissecting the tragedy of the Hero of Time before sleep deprivation snatched the idea away which is usually my sign to pass the heck out and save the second option for when I have more energy lol.

For the Warriors fans, also Warriors is a disaster of an older sibling but we adore and appreciate him for it in this household, as always can be implied romantic or platonic between him and reader.

You were all but pinned down to the ground, brought down more effectively and unable to find the strength to get up.

Well, not literally, there were no enemies nearby, the chaos at camp had long since died down and there wasn’t anything much to do now that night had fallen, the heavens deigning to put all of it’s glittering jewels on display.

Were it any other day you’d probably focus more on appreciating it in full, the fire was crackling merrily, you were safe and had a full stomach and even with the ever present threat of the Shadow possibly deciding to ambush you all while most of your guards were down, you had your boys with you and the crisp autumn petrichor was a balm on your soul, weary from the journey.

Maybe it would be fine to rest for a little while.

And then the small figure clinging to you flinched, burrowing closer and holding onto your tunic like a lifeline. And awareness came to you like a smack over the head with a log, your fingers gently carding through blond locks as you hum gently. Weighting options and just how quietly you could move without bothering the precious Sprite at your side.

You had guessed Time had been a sweet kid, and you still wanted to lodge a formal complaint with the gods for writing such cruel fate for him because the man couldn’t catch a break and you’re not the only one to take it personally. But he was killing you here, this is how you die, with an adorable but oh so heartbreakingly sad little boy having fallen asleep leaning against you after telling you all sorts of stories about his extensive mask collection.

(You don’t know wether you want to cry, scream or laugh, Mask was so, so young. It breaks your heart, just a little.

Really, the deities of Hyrule must adore tragedies. Bastards.)

Sighing, you decide to compromise, gently keeping the Kokiri boy right where he is, fast asleep and with barely any nightmares as you hum and card your fingers through the spun gold strands, you brush your fingers through the last masks he fell asleep mid through telling the story of how he’d acquired. If you were careful surely you’d be able to reach his pack on his side so he wouldn’t worry later.

A pair of brown boots invade your vision, Warriors crouches down. You think you spot a flash of surprise on his eyes as he spots Mask napping on you, and then fond amusement of a big brother you knew he directed often towards Wind, tone low, “Well would you look at that, out like a light. It’s a rare honor for him to trust anyone like this.”

You chuckle a bit, shaking your head, “I can tell, he’s a good kid. I’ve barely met him for a day and I’d already take on an army for him.”

“Welcome to my world.”, comes Warriors dry response, though you both knew he was a hundred percent serious, his own mask quickly falling away as he gently picked up the Deku Sprout Mask to put it back in the small sprite’s pouch, hiding it’s confused, fearful sadness from your gaze (and it’s an effort, not to twitch, as your rage towards Majora gained even more kindling to burn) as the soldier handled it with the due solemnity of being one of the few Mask would allow to even touch the masks without his immediate supervision, “... I never thought I’d see him again, as...”

“I know.” Your tone was quiet, as you carefully picked your choice of words.

If there’s one thing you knew about any Link, is that they’re all really good elder brother’s and that they are too hard on themselves. Warriors specially, Mask and Wind were his everything, there wouldn’t be words that could describe how gutted he was, after confirming his suspicions with you, regretting not saying anything against Mask joining the battle field back then, loathing himself for not convincing him or Lana into letting him stay in spite of his bad feeling that as soon as the young hero of time passed through that portal he was unlikely to ever meet him again.

... You settle for something simple, instead, reaching a hand to softly pat his head, taking care not to mess his hair too much, “You did good, Wars, it’s not your fault. Mask also knows you did your best.”

He still, sighing, the mask falling away as he guides your hand to his lips, quietly thankful (really, like big brother like little brother, your wonderful, silly, caring boys. You make a point to cheerfully bat away the butterflies in your stomach, ), “... Feels hard to believe that, some times. Thank you.”

You hum, after putting the Zora mask away, Warriors takes Mask’s other side, pulls you closer and breathes.

(Just in case, he lies to himself.)

You quietly listen to his stories about his little brother, and Warriors is content.

#linked universe x reader #linked universe warriors x reader #will I ever post the original story I was gonna use for this prompt?#who knows certainly not my sleep deprived self lol #more implied than romantic if you ask me but frankly that's about what I expected when Warriors decided to show up on this prompt #man is the most charming of the Chain but you can't tell me he would know where to begin with any sort of romantic feelings #so lots of unspoken understanding happens here instead so it's up to interpretation lol #Reader: I've had Mask for a day and a half but if anything happened to him I'd murder everyone in Hyrule and then myself.#Warriors. Approving: I know this. And I love you (feeling unspecified).#The Rest of the Chain: And we support you #Is Warriors wanting to be close in reference to the Kohga prompt?#Does he just want Mask and Reader close because he is smart enough to infer what happens to him #Does he just want them there because like all Links he has several abandonment issues?#Who knows! I just know that he is rife with trauma tokens so you all can spin the wheel and decide #Mask is probably Warriors biggest regret and I am going to shake people about it if not stopped #You can't tell me that he wouldn't have wanted to take him in once he learned he was an orphan traveling all alone with his pony in the WoA #All Links are big sibling coded just on different wavelengths #The WoA was just Wars accidentally picking up several feral strays while a war happened in the back #ex Mask Wind Tetra Skull Kid and Linkle #summer writes linktober 2023 #summer writes

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ladyloveandjustice · 2 years

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It’s nice that dracula left jonathan’s journal alone when he took all his paper. I can’t remember did jonathan hide it or is he sleeping clutching it to his chest at night.

#actually don't tell me i want to believe he's been sleeping on top of it #no it's fine you can tell me if there's actually an explanation #if he hid it i imagine it was under his bed where drac can't pass bc crucifix #equally funny would be if dracula just really respects the integrity of the diary #dracula daily

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ta-bajna-cerna-okybaca · 6 months

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Now that I finally got to play TWST diasomnia chapter 1 myself, I'm gonna need everyone who said Malleus was a baby throwing a tantrum for no reason to pay me 2000 dollars each

#twst #twisted wonderland #yes it did take me until the second to last day of the new chapter event to finish book 6 what of it #in my defense i had no good leona&jamil cards for chapters 66 and 67‚ i'm glad i managed to do it at all. robe malleus carried the team <3 #anyways! i haven't seen this take in a while but i remember it popping up a lot earlier this year when we got diasomnia on the jp server #as a member of the malleus defense squad i can't bear all this slander and now i have proof it's baseless #his overblot is one of the most justified ones??? what do you mean no reason #He's already established to be constantly left out and lonely because of it #And now he gets hit with the triple whammy of 1) realizing his fellow students' mortality after book 6 #2) learning that his father figure is dying and in one week fucking off to fantasy china to live out his retirement without him #3) his best friend the MC telling him they found a way to un-isekai themself #Maybe he could have weathered one of those‚ but all three at the same time?#Poor guy stood no chance‚ those are hits straight into the trauma #Of course he's gonna have a breakdown! It's not his fault breakdowns in twisted wonderland come with a side of destructive berserking #And to be fair from what i've heard in spoilers all he did was put the whole school to sleep he didn't even destroy all that much #like yes putting everyone to sleep so they can live forever and never leave him is not a healthy reaction #but this is Unhealthy Reactions The School it's not like he's such an outlier in that #leave my boy alone 😭#excuse my ranting i'm just insane about twisted wonderland and malleus specifically

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jimmyspades · 3 months

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#your pretty face and electric soul #yeah listening to lana and thinking about him. won't apologize for it anymore #james spader #alan shore #boston legal #*#my mom likes the episodes where they go on trips I do too #and I like this one when alan is serious when he's really focused and bothered by injustice and invested in the case #[PSH in Patch Adams voice] this is serious! business!#it's nice to picture him thinking about real things. they show it on the show sometimes but not too much. not as much as the practice even #in this ep when he talks about his friend who survived katrina or another fave scene when he talks to his jewish friend abt ישראל #you can tell how bothered he is. about things that are wrong. about the horrible things that happen #he thinks and feels so deeply. he's so sensitive to the world and I think disturbed he can't do more. it eats at him he gets stressed #and this can be a silly show and a means for escape sometimes but idk. also nice to know he gets exasperated too #that he'd be someone safe to talk to when you get scared or angry or upset with the world #denny doesn't always listen to his serious thoughts...#I wanna sit with him on that balcony and let him talk. rub his back until his headache is gone. tell him to get enough sleep

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yellowhollyhock · 15 days

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return to the underground is so funny because everything Donny says or does Raph and Leo are like 'that's him our baby brother, precious little genius, watch watch he's gonna do something cool, we are so proud. do you need anything Don Don'

And Mikey's like 'this is the worst plan you've ever had. I hate you.'

He really was not happy about going back underground XD

#his donnie imitation cracks me up every time #'come on guys. lets go down to the underground city. we'll have some laughs. WE'LL GET EATEN #also to be fair to mikey don had been cranky for an unspecified number of fays due to not sleeping #which could also explain why Leo and Raph are being SO gentle with him #more than usual which is saying something #Mikey: so Raph gets a stun gun. and I get. a limited number of nets. Donatello. i will eat you someday #raph litereally says to sydney:#'our little donny is full of all kinds of surprises'#oh my gosh we get it you love your brothers can you please stop making me cry #no but raph and leo are also very patient with mikey in this episode #they should both get a trophy #they'll look at each other too like 'which one of us..? yeah both' and then repeat several times how smart donny is #or reassure mikey that it's all gonna work out #you take Mikey to the underground city? the underground coty with monsters? oh! oh! jail for donny! jail for donny for one thousand years!#he was so happy to see Quarry though 🥹#and then at the end when he is no longer living in fear of drowning in lava he makes sure to tell Don he's proud of him too #i can't with these turtles #that's enough tags yellow

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arcademyth · 18 days

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something doesn't feel quite right

#arc.png #bg3 #oc: lan #astarion #astalan #tav x astarion #i restarted lan's save. again. idk how many times this is now #i restarted because i downloaded the party limit remover mod #and let me tell you i am having SO MUCH FUN......#the game feels so much more alive now it's wild #that all said it means i have to live through these idiots' angst era again #that delightful mid-act 1 time where they're sleeping together but astarion doesn't really care yet #and lan (who is a full on charisma build proficient in insight and persuasion and such) SHOULD be picking up on it #but he's so absolutely rattled by things like meeting mayrina and seeing waukeen's rest and learning all his friends' fucked up backstories #that he just. doesn't. he does not acknowledge the weird vibes.#so they're both acting like they're having a great time on the surface. but the second they think the other can't see them. well #(also side note that from now on it's lan with one n. it was formerly lann but that extra n has always bothered me)#(i think i was trying to avoid confusion with HSR lan but at this point i don't fucking care i hate that extra letter ksdhgdks he's lan.)#(ALSO FUN FACT I FEEL LIKE I FORGOT HOW TO DRAW. this is the first thing i've drawn in. too long.)#(was genuinely surprised i managed it tbqh. i kinda just blacked out while the spirit of gay video game men possessed me and made me draw.)#(gonna... try to figure out how i did it and see if i can make art again... i miss it orz)

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coquelicoq · 19 days

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part of the process of learning to take responsibility for your actions is learning what things you can't take responsibility for. not just to protect you (e.g., from your own feelings of guilt; from people taking advantage of your willingness to take responsibility by attributing blame to you unfairly), but because to take responsibility is not just to say "it was my fault and i'm sorry" but to actually do things (to make amends and to mitigate and prevent future harm), and if you don't understand what to take responsibility for, you aren't going to understand how to take responsibility.

there is a lot that's outside of your control. people put a lot of emphasis on forgiveness in a way that i think is missing the point. being forgiven is not my priority. my priority is that i am doing what it is in my power to do. i can't control how that's received. i'd like it to be received well; i'm doing what i'm doing because i want to repair harm that i have caused to another person, so it matters to me if what i'm doing is actually achieving that goal or not. but there's only so much that i can do to achieve that goal, and if i'm doing it, and the harm is not repaired, that's okay. that's beyond my control. i have to make my peace with the fact that i've caused harm to another person that is not resolved, because i'm doing what i can and i have to continue living on this earth, and in continuing to live i'm going to be living with the fact of that unresolved harm. the most important thing at that point is for me to use my knowledge of the specific ways in which my actions harmed that person to change my behavior going forward to avoid causing that harm again, to the extent that that's within my power.

it doesn't do anyone - you or the people you have harmed - any good for you to assign responsibility to yourself for things that you can't control. if you're going to attempt the active work of repair and change you have to first identify what it's possible to repair and change. you can't actually repair a relationship all by yourself! you can only change your own behavior. you can only offer amends to the other person that they may or may not find sufficient. not to go all serenity prayer on you but guilt for the sake of guilt just makes you feel way more powerful than you actually are (because you think that everything happened because of you) and at the same time completely incapable of exercising your power (because you don't understand what your power actually is). to effect change you have to focus on the things you can actually change. focusing on the things you can't change is a problem not just because it's taking your focus away from the things you can change, but because it means you don't actually understand the sphere of your own influence. you're operating under what is essentially a self-centered worldview in which you could make everything better, you could prevent all harm, if only you were trying harder, if only you were a better person. who does that serve? it doesn't reflect reality. it makes you hate yourself and feel sorry for yourself at the same time, and it doesn't actually improve things for the people you harmed. it doesn't help keep you from harming people in the future, because you don't understand the territory and the limits of the causal relationship between your actions and other people's reactions to them.

you can only do what you can do. what you can't do, you can't do, and you can't take responsibility for doing, either in the past or present. after you realize that there is harm to repair the next step in the process of repair is to ask yourself what your responsibility is for the past and what your agency is going forward. everything else will follow from that. you simply cannot skip that step.

#this is so hard to think about and talk about because it's so nebulous. it's comforting to have some hard and fast rule instead #'take responsibility for the harm you have caused' sounds good but what does it actually mean?#you are responsible for your harmful actions. you can't be responsible for the actual feelings of other people #it obfuscates what you can actually do. which makes you think that you are both all-powerful and #powerless to make amends or change #but adding any nuance to the discussion just sounds like apologism. and could easily be used by bad actors (e.g. abusers)#to justify their completely insincere attempts to apologize and change #accountability #responsibility #restorative justice #guilt #learning and growing #apology #forgiveness #wow i have a lot of tags relevant to this haha #my posts #you can tell i gave up on sleeping and got out of bed because of the absence of typos which means i have my glasses on #fare thee well to my theoretical night of restful sleep. hello day before me that i have to navigate on three hours of sleep and #terrible head neck and shoulder pain :/

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