#i feel like i fail everyone when im like this

[aurawra21]

i've retyped this multiple times now, but i need to properly express how that last anon message made me feel because i keep rereading it and i wanna just come here to say how much it means to me

basically, i've been having a really rough time for like the past year, about everything. i also feel like i'm not exactly where i want to be in my life at the age im at. younger me wanted better things for myself and i sometimes feel like i failed her and i'll only continue to do so.

and bc of all that, i start to think i should just stop with the art because everyone always told me i need to be practical and i'll make nothing out of it. i compare myself to others and hate my own works in result which leads me to burning myself out, so when i receive really kind messages, i almost always feel like i could cry and I KNOW it sounds silly but i truly mean it. all i ever wanted was to create art for people to enjoy and it's reassuring to know it can touch people's lives like that.

we're halfway into 2024 and i reached 20k followers on twitter recently. i know some people might not find that number impressive considering there's way more skilled artists than me with much bigger followings, but thats 20k of y'all and that's INSANE to me. 7 years i've been on that app and i gained 7k in the last 5 months, ive never felt so much love from others before. drawing has honestly been the one constant comfort i have in my life and idk i'm just glad that others enjoy my art

so anywAy, thank you, for dealing with me, my silly art and head canons, and i hope i continue to make more arts for y'all

#yeah yeah yeah i know im being sappy pls dont look at me im embarassing #even if that anon ask wasnt all that serious and im just being a dramatic bitch i do still really appreciate you all #rory rambles

[sciderman]

im so happy for you that you have a possible reason/cause for your brain itch!!!! i hope the tumor removal goes superduper smoothly. Do they know how long its been present/growing???????? how did you find out??? <- you obviously do not have to answer these personal medical questions lmao im just!!!! so curious and excited for you.

from what i've discussed with the docs it's been there for a LONG time... they say this sort of thing might take up to a decade to develop - it doesn't happen overnight!

i think i started noticing symptoms about maybe... 7 years ago? literally as soon as i started working full-time, maybe. my first job stressed me out so much and i cried underneath the tables at 8pm because i couldn't leave the office, i still had so much to do. i was leading up an entire ass animation department at 20 years old. bad. awful. that's when i started depending on things to get me through the day. my body started feeling awful. i thought it was anxiety, or me just being weak, i guess. i don't know if stress created the tumor, or the tumor created the stress - (well, it's the latter now) i think it's probably both, but all the research i've done and what the doctors have said is that there's just - some people with a genetic predisposition for it.

it's funny - i never miss a deadline, and i'm really really good at my job, always. i never let anyone down, ever, at the cost of my own sanity, and i seem to always, always have it put-together when i'm dealing with people - i have the constant consensus from everybody around me that i'm the most cheerful person to work with on this here planet earth - but apparently, my body was falling apart underneath it all - which i failed to recognise, because outwardly i was holding it together so well, and figured it was just normal to cry all the time when nobody was looking.

i started really noticing it after taking on a lot of freelance work on top of my day job – i was really doing very hot, and did these amazing projects for some really amazing clients who sought me out for being amazing (i am amazing) - but naturally, had consecutive nights of no sleep, and quick deadlines - and INVOICING... screams. and just, realised - after taking those jobs that - my heart did not stop pumping afterwards. my heart was still racing a mile a minute, even after all those jobs were done and dusted and ever-so-loved and appreciated by very happy clients. my heart. wouldn't. stop.

i figured it was MAJOR anxiety, and sought out some counselling sessions, hoping they'd help. i relayed my woes. i said i'm worried i'm not resting enough. i'm not sleeping enough. my heart rate won't go down. they said "oh. not everybody needs 8 hours sleep, don't worry about it. everyone's different." - for some reason that reassured me. i thought it was okay. okay. i don't need rest. maybe my body's just different and doesn't need rest. maybe that's why i wake up at 6am every morning without fail. i just don't need sleep, i guess. (bad advice.)

so – everyone is telling me i'm okay. i should just get on. you're barely sleeping? that's fine, you probably don't need it. your heart is pumping? that's healthy. your heart SHOULD pump, idiot. get back to work.

i felt very unhappy at work - i felt like i was stagnating - so i moved job, last year. i moved job to one that was so, so much more fast-paced. i thought the excitement and change would do me good - but i've been facing maybe - 3 deadlines a day? vs my previous one-deadline-a-month arrangement. and i think it broke me. i needed to depend on so many unhealthy habits to get me through the day. i needed like 6 energy drinks, 3 coffees, i'd have the shakes, i'd have the jitters, i'd feel like i was going to fall apart every single day.

and then, one day, i did.

one week last year i doubled over - my body was in so much pain that i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, and worst off - i couldn't work. it was the first time i'd taken sick leave - i couldn't function. after being on antibiotics that didn't work, i eventually went into the emergency room because i just couldn't sleep. i couldn't do anything. i didn't care if they put me down, i wanted the pain to end.

she was a kidney stone. her name was sharon (sharon stone) - i suspect it was all the energy drinks that made her. i've dealt with her now. but during the process, the doc pulled me aside, and he said "dear. do you have any pain in your other kidney?"

i said... no............... why?

doc said "ah. problem for another time."

so, once sharon was dealt with, obviously i had to chase up on that doctor's ominous warning. i said "WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY OTHER KIDNEY!!"

you have a tumor, dear. his name is lamar. he's on your right adrenal gland, and we suspect he's messing up all your hormones.

i did my own research, and turns out all these crazy, mysterious symptoms i've been having all line up - so i chased, and chased, and chased.

the doctors didn't take me seriously at first. because i guess i'm not in pain, and i handle it so well. i'm still so strong. i'm a fighter, i guess. whatever. but, turns out...

it's worth it to chase. your life might depend on it. i'm so glad i did, because there's an end to my suffering (dear god, i hope) - but, guys, if your heart won't slow, and you chronically can't relax, and you feel like there are bees in your brain - that's the time to do some research. it isn't normal, actually. and sure - it might not be a tumor, but - kid, you need some support. you need some help. you need to ask some questions. it's not okay for that to be your baseline. your body needs to rest. it needs to rest. even if i have to force it to. it has to rest.

right now i'm in a major stressed way, and i broke down and cried. i'm in the middle of a freelance job, and in the middle of an interviewing process for a new full-time job, and still working my current full-time job with 3 deadlines a day, and my surgery is next week. and i feel like crying. all the time.

i can't wait for rest. i hate that i literally have to be hospitalised to get it. but, i'll get it. i'm going to rest so fucking hard.

#sci speaks #sighss.... sighshss. #im going to cry some more now i think. it's a stress relief thing. #i say “i don't have anything to stress about” but fact is. i Do actually always have something to stress about. under capitalism. #it's no wonder i have a stress tumor. it's no wonder. in this economy?? #and i know i have it so much better than other people do. so how do other people survive???????????????

[ronkeyroo]

I wish the pain didnt come with the intrusive memories and thoughts so godamn much...I’ll wrap things up for today, I should let myself rest before this devlolves any further. Thank you for everything today folks ;; I loved seeing you hype over my art and I appreciate all of the tenderness so much...Take care for now

#i feel so bad for having to step away again #i hope i hope I feel better im so tired of being dragged down like this after an amazing day #all of the people i dissappoint and let down again feels like a stab and im trying not to think about it too much #i keep sticking to the mentality that nobody needs me when im like this and its just...I dont know #i feel like i fail everyone when im like this #when my body and mind are like this #and i cant do anything but succumb to how it makes me feel #fuck this illness and fuck me and fuck everything #i should just go and hope tomorrow will allow me to tend back to everything #its almost the weekend #things will be good #they have to be #i know they can be

[obsob]

bedtime story with my love !!

#mine #cats #oooooooooogh im so cold....bath time bath time :3 ! #i hope everyone is hvaing a good week i am now DONE with work !!!!! hehe !!!!!!!!!! #i might not do any drawing for a little while . maybe just felt tips #also. cannnot for the life of me decide what 2 read...am like 30% way thro assassins fate but Um its . a little intense so im taking a brea #idk what im in the mood for....something....fun... but isnt bad #i feel like all 'light' books r bad. maybe i will just reread the goblin emperor. as i always do when all else fails #also. am going ice skating tomorrow i am SO excited . i hvent been in so so long its so exciting !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #mwah. hve good evening :3

[luck-of-the-drawings]

WWWOOOPS FORGOT I MADE THIS. drew this back at around when the hyperbolic time chamber training arc was just starting. remember that? huh? remember the hamspter??? ohhhhhhhh youll remember the haspter!!!! oh my god yknow what else i remember. williams overwhelming love for christmas. oh my god. spooky zombie boy loves the christmas.. literally the best possible thing for him...

#jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi prime defenders #jrwi pd spoilers #VYNCENT SSOOOOOLLLL I STILL DONT KNOW HOW TO DRAW YOUUUUU AND YKNIOW WHY?? YKNOW WHYYY???? BC WHEN I FIRST DREW EVERYONE: #I DIDNT LOOK AT ANY REFS. DREW EM STRAIGHT FROM OFF THE TOP O MY HEAD. AND WELL. IN MY HEAD SOMETIMES #I PICTURE THE CHARACTERS LOOKING SIMILAR TO THE PLAYERS IN SOME WAY. NOT THE BEST THING TO DO REALLY. BUT YOU SEE. #VYNCENT CAME OFF AS A VERY SOFT AND SWEET CHARACTER. BUT SEEMED TO CARRY ALOT OF STRENGTH. HES LIKE A BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL BULL TO ME. #SO I DRAW THE GUY REAL DENSE! BUT THEN YAKNOOOWW THE OFFICIAL ART CROSSES MY EYES N IM LIKE FFFYUUUUUCKKK HE DOESNT LOOK LIKE THAT!!!!!! #IM LIKE AAUGUHGH IM DRAWIN HIM WRONG!!! BUT THEN IM ALSO CRAAAZY STUBBORN N I AAALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS DESIGN FOR HIM AND I DONT WANNT #I DONT WANNA GO N JUS CHANGE IT AAAALL UP NOW!!CMAHHHNNN BUT I STILL GOTTA DO SOOOMETHIN!! #LEST HE BECOMES SO FAR REMOVED FROM THE SOURCE MATERIAL HE FAILS TO BE RECOGNIZED!! ANYONE ELSE GO THRU THIS? GIMME UR TIPS #anyway AHH THE DEMON THAT DESPISES ART FROM MONTHS AGO!! just means im improving so so fastly and cool-like. tbh im so proud o my recents #bUT HEY THOUGH I FIGURED OUT THE QUEUEUE THING AHAHAH NOW I CAN GET ALL MY THOUGHTS N DRAWINS OUT IN A DAAAYYYY #CONSISTENT POSTING FOR A MONTH HERE I COME. DAILY UPLOADS FOR A WEEK. YEAAHH BABY!!! PREPARE FOR SHOTGGUN BLASDT!!!!!! #ALRIGHT ALright one more thing before i go im. SO IN LOVE WITH MY SHAPES HONESLY... they are not just one shape but so so many put together #fucked up innit??? im seeing soo many problems in this piece though but i rest easy knowing i captured my feelings in the moment.

[conanssummerchild]

fuuuuuuck im going to get a bad grade on my english gcse jesus christ they should cancel the stupid transactional part i hate it so much like "write an article about-" KILL YOURSEKF but like this is just making me think like if i cant handle ONE exam how the fuck am i suposed to pass the rest of my gcses next year, ive studied nowhere near enough for english and im exhausted how the fuck am i going to study for more than 8 other exams and pass

#i also cant ask my parents for help because my mums english is pretty bad #and my dads is better like in speaking terms but neither of them really know english linguistics and stuff #also everyone thinks im like so fucking smart but im not and honestly i hate it when they just assume im smart and dont need any help #like i guess its my fault too for never asking for it but like im sorry idk how to ask for help bcs no one ever made me feel like i could #im sorry i'd rather do it alone and fail than ask for help and have someone (cough. my dad) yell at me how incompetent i am #idk #it just feels unfair #im suposed to be good at english #alex says shit

[snixx]

feeling like no one around you cares is such a shitty feeling and it never fully goes away. everyone leaves you and nothing lasts and I'm tired of carrying this aching loneliness everywhere with me and overinvesting in people who just don't give a shit

#kinda feels like I'm failing at everything tbh #my grades are painfully average #my quote unquote best friend of twelve years hasn't spoken to me in months #im pretty sure the girl i thought was my college bestie is avoiding me or at the very least constantly flaking on me #i don't have the energy to reply to anyone and have like a zillion unread chats #it feels like people only talk to me when they need me and I'm so tired of it #im tired of everyone in college forming their super exclusive groups that i can never get into #and blowing me off for shit they won't let me come to #it kinda makes me hate myself a little which is an emotion i haven't felt in years #like what is it about me that is so fundamentally unlikeable that doesn't let me ever feel like I'm not lonely #i just can't #and it's not something i can change #vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com

[fisheito]

What is this weirdly feelyweely status exclusive to yakumo

#unless i missed something #it felt like everyone else had pretty rational text effects...like standard conditions in their status boxes.... #was this the only status that explicitly mentions being all squishy to GENTLY convince someone #because right now it feels like #eiden in a sequential interview situation. he is alone in a board room with someone he needs to win over. he's prepared his thesis(?) #with edmond first #eiden brings out his master plan and says OK HERE'S MY PITCH. PLEASE GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE BIT OF TRUST ONCE YOU HEAR IT #we're going to do THIS at THAT PLACE at THIS TIME with the goal of THESE RESULTS. My capabilities include: THIS. ThaT. AND PERHAPS THOSE. #PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES indicate that method A and B will do well but in case that fails i have prepared options C D and F #eiden pointing out his massive presentation board with the spreadsheets and red strings #edmond deliberates very seriously before cautiously approving of eiden's plan #when edmond exits and oli takes his place. eiden starts the presentation anew #oli nods thoughtfully and encouragingly throughout... like yes! this sounds like a good plan! i trust you with this :) let's do it :) #then oli leaves and yakumo comes in to take his place #eiden doesn't even need the presentation materials. #he just sits across from him. gently places yakumo's hand on his chest over his heart. then stares soulfully at mr protoserpent #and says (please trust me? 🥺) #yakumo crumbles IMMEDIATELY #and when they emerge from the room into the hall where edmond and oli are waiting #eiden's like GREAT! EVERYONE'S ON BOARD! let's get this started n_n #and edmond's just like.... yakumo why did you come out so fast. eiden's presentation lasted at least 7 minutes #oli just smiles knowingly and thinks lmao eiden heckin got im #journey to a nu world #nu carnival yakumo

[odysseys-blood]

literally how i feel any time i read this line. absolutely NOT

i think he's a great mirror type character for the mc depending on how much you draw on the default ra-on and their characterization, but more specifically their feeling of inferiority to solomon (which i take for my mc loyal). both the mc and bael are stuck filling in for a role for a king that neither feels they're well equipped for or were even born to hold and the fact that bael's so used to taking the fall that he's automatically ready to do it for you too is just. man. orz

#cliffnotes/.txt #whb #bael whb #its so...augh he makes me so sad #ik itll probably take forever to get to avisos since the promised chapter 6 hasnt even released yet #but waiting so patiently to pick bael apart (not really patient (vibrating like a chihuahua)) #bael and mc spiderman pointing meme #god and both being like an imperfect copy #just similar enough to pass off as a fraud but so very different at the same time #and bc of that they'll never be true replacements #though the mc isnt even supposed to be one its like #the moment of disappointment almost everyone has shown when they realize its not solomon #even if they change tunes and bounce back quickly its there #happy to meet you but still upset its not him #and the underlying expectation that it *should* be him at first #like how it should be beel in avisos. but its not #both get a good amount of reassurance and support from those around them tho i will say its nicd #esp after seeing how the rest of avisos' camp feels abt bael #they love him and trust in him so much even though he always feels like hes failing them just by not being the king #he does so much and still feels like itll never be enough #ok now im just rambling its time to be quiet before i write an essay in here

[astranauticus]

really not beating the brainrot allegations but genuinely this line has been haunting my brain for ages

#rolling with difficulty #vrla rwd #mrsn rwd #well not technically but close enough #asto stop drawing the same two goddamn characters challenge (difficulty: impossible) #technically the original line was 'i see mr-sn' but this way .. works better? flows better? its 4am words are failing me #also took some artistic liberties with the hypnagoug design bc i think austin's intention was that only its face changes #to match your nightmares #but everyone started describing stuff thats much more elaborate and he didnt stop them so #specifically he says the clawed arms and 'a large gaping mouth' stay constant but i am just gonna Choose Not To See that part #look theres no way for me to fit that into the design and make it work. its just not happening #i mean thank god for mr-sn's cape or else id have to figure out the logistics of attaching bony clawed arm to robot torso #(also why i strategically placed the rips on the cape so you cant see the arm underneath LMAO) #yeah after a certain point i was just like. ok how can i make the mr-sn hypnogoug as nasty and unpleasant to look at as possible #so please let me know if this made you upset/lh bc im the one who drew it and *i* was very upset when drawing this #in hindsight hypnagoug mr-sn has lowkey nightmare animatronic from fnaf energy and i've been fully over my fnaf phase for like 6 years so #not sure how to feel about that #art I made

[strawberrybabydog]

realizing im a lesbian has genuinely been one of the most life-ruining things ive experienced so far :0(

i dont think i know any other lesbians

i am a baby dyke. who likes a baby dyke? apparently nobody. i dont seem to fit into ANY lesbian spaces because i'm green but how do i become not green without experience? apparently i need 10 years experience for an entry-level job :0(??

how... do i even find other lesbians irl? "gay bar" ok first off why would i ever go to a bar. also im pretty sure those dont exist where i live

do i love lesbians because i hate and am traumatized by men or do i love lesbians because im normal. only one answer actually makes me a lesbian

if im not lesbian what am i? :0( i dont want to Just be asexual, that doesnt Mean anything

lesbians are fucking scary. i used to follow 10 sapphic-centric blogs but.... theyre always talking about how horrible/annoying other lesbians are over discourse ive never heard of, meaning, im probably participating in it without knowing

oh yeah. that too. i know nothing about lesbians. and being a lesbian. apparently when you're a lesbian you have to know every single piece of sapphic literature and every lesbian of history or you're bad and stupid and dont deserve to be talked to

it really feels like being hetero is free and easy, like you dont have to think about it you just Love Someone, but being queer is hard and energy-consuming and you have no choice but to dedicate the rest of your life to learning and knowing every single piece of sapphic-centered discourse. it seems like being a lesbian has more to do with knowing facts about historic lesbianism than it has to do with loving another lesbian and i'm sooooo not interested in being queer for the sake of discourse i just want to kiss a lady or whatever but thats not allowed until i pass my lesbian exam that every other lesbian passed 20 years ago

idk. maybe all of this confusion means im not a lesbian. i think if i really was sapphic i'd know the answers to this stuff already, researching would be easy and enjoyable..... but the master lesbian google doc..... idk... it seems like being sapphic requires more than just "Girls Kinda Pretty" and that is awful to me. i dont want to spend 4 years in lesbian university studying lesbianism just to get my lesbian degree so i can kiss a girl. i want to just kiss a girl Now why do i need a masters degree?? why do i have to study and earn and prove my place in a society where i thought the bottom line was Kiss Girls And Chill

"community history is important" i agree but why do i need to know all of this shit First, Before i am a lesbian. why cant i kiss ladies and research at the same time. idfk. idk anymore. i just want to love my gf. why am i 22 trying to figure out my sexuality when everyone i know did it when we were 14, how is that fair to me?? im sorry for being a late bloomer i dont know what you want from me

#i think to other lesbians im always going to be That Bisexual who only dates men but never shuts up about loving women #but its deeper than that. those were longterm relationships. nobody i know irl was ever queer in a way where we could have a relationship #i dont know if im a lesbian but i know how nervous i get around a hot butch or a hot femme #i dont know if im a lesbian but i can describe to you every butch ive ever had a crush on #i dont know if im a lesbian but i think in grade 3 i was trying to impress that pretty girl for reasons beyond wanting to be friends #i dont know if im a lesbian but i am head over heels in love with my gf #i dont know i just dont know anymore i feel like a failure #everyone else had their sexyality figured out at 14 and im 22 #i hated going to the gaystraight alliance at my high school because they would buly me for not being gay enough when the teacher wasnt there #maybe its true maybe they knew better than me that im faking it or something #but on more than one occassion in hs i had classmates beefing about my sexuality i wish i was making this up #ive been told i have a lesbian voice i have lesbian vibes but i dont know if thats true especially if my actual queer friends didnt see it #i feel like im failing myself and every queer person ever i feel like every other lesbian just hates me so much and im so sorry #not dog #personal #big feelings

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany. #and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

[trainingdummyrabbit]

goooooodmorning ! trying to do some research but instead started thinking abt angela again. alas...

#iwanna look at limbus so bad but auuhhggghhh the required reading.......... #and then lc/lor is mentioned Once in passing and Whoops thinking abt them again task failed successfully <3 #iwanna figure out what everyones talking about but my heart has picked its place and refuses to budge!!!!!!! #the horrors the horrors etc. atleast theres a funy library. #piktalk #projmoon #gen tho lies on th floor. like it almost certainly is Just Watching Gameplay but im taking it soooo goddamn serious like #ok yea limbus but also we Have to look at leviathan or else its cheating but also we Have to know the source literature or its cheating like #girl...... just look at the funy clockhead theyre standing right there. its okay. #anyway genuinely how important is leviathan n the sinners' source books bc everyone talks abt how vital it is #but idk if it actually is? and its almost starting t feel like required reading. when i just wanna see funy characters. #yknow? idont wanna engage w it solely on a Because I Have To standpoint i wanna get attached yknow. #anyway. gmorning ✌

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[max-nolastname]

“you’re a tiny man, louis, flying too close to the sun, and that’s what i am... the sun.”

mmmm the sun and its relationship to vampires as a purifying destructive force... the sun in this quote as the ‘light of civilization’ in america.... how the councilman makes reference to icarus to tell louis that it was arrogant and naive of him to assume that a black man can come close to standing equal to white men like him

louis embracing his ‘dark’ nature as a vampire to enact his own sense of justice and revenge on the councilman....the way he found pleasure in it....the unforeseen consequences and retaliation from white citizens....

i have no thesis statement, i am simply raising my hand in lecture to offer my incoherent thoughts on a piece of media and forcing you all to hear me

#there is an element into this journey into the dark that im only beginning to appreciate...how good it feels #in most cases a man trying to change the world fails for one simple and unavoidable reason... everyone else. #interview with the vampire #iwtv 2022 #evaluating media through a black sails lens #stfu haidee #louis' rage and morality is so so interesting to me #lestat just Does Not Understand #when an episode earlier lestat was like 'louis why did you kill that man?' 'he told me i did a good job' #like if you know you know but lestat cant begin to understand louis' experiences #the way the councilman went on to belittle louis during that exchange but on the inside ohhh on the inside #that councilman was terrified about how louis would fight back #'why is your heart beating so fast?' #civilization exploiting the masses but fearing the day they will fight back against their own oppression

[autisticlee]

I know it's wrong and bad to say this, but sometimes I really hate when my friends have other friends. (specifically when I can't also be friends with those friends) because every time I want someone to hang out with or talk to, the only couple friends I have are always busy with their other friends. when I want to plan something with them, they will always choose the other friends over me. they will cancel plans *with* me as soon as other friends ask, but won't cancel plans *for* me when i ask. they will use up their social spoons on other friends and leave none for me. always putting things with me off or simply not responding at all.

i'm always told by random people when I say I want mkre friends "it's better to have a couple great friends than many aquantances" or something like that. but honestly it sucks because you can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there for you every day or every week when you want or need someone. if you keep asking, you're seen as annoying and clingy and they will ignore you eventually (or worse)

it's annoying that they get to fill their social needs at all times, but I never get to. because i'm never the one that gets to go first in the social queue. and when it gets to my turn, it refreshes and i'm pushed to the back again.

the only solution I can ever think of is being friends with my friends' friends too....but for some reason!!!!!! that never works out!!!! (if my friends will even share their friends with me to begin with)

#and dont even get me started on when i share my friends with each other and they choose each other over me and kick me out lmao #WHY ARE FRIENDS SO HARD #why am i just a little creature that requires certain amounts/types of social interaction that never gets met #and no one wants to do anything about it. and im forced to sit here feeling bad about it because i cant fix it either fbbdbdfghhdhjrhfdj #this whole friend and human interaction and bonding and companionship bullshit is going to be lifelong issue and im not here for it #NO ADVICE IM GIVEN WORKS. IM TIRED OF ONE SIDED BULLSHIT WHERE ONLY I TRY. HUMANS ARE ANNOYING #im like a non human creature that wears human skin and everyone except me knows and they dont want me and i domt know why #i also dont have the energy to do the whole new friends song and dance where you small talk to get to know each other #and share your life stories. i rather just hang out and become friends through enjoyment of mutual enjoyed activity???? #or something like that idk #i tried so hard to be friendly to friends' friend last weekend when we all hung out so i can be adopted into their friend group but #they didnt even tell me it was nice meeting me and hanging out and didnt even say bye to me. only to my friends #and i was too sad about that to say it to them instead as they walked away. theyre way more social and good at words #and i was overwhelmed and struggling to speak so i was waiting for the queue to say those things or something #i expected it like an idiot loser becuase i thought i did a good job being a cute gremlin that fits into the group that seems to have #other goofy gremlins like me. i thought maybe they can be “my people” or something. but then they turned around and left #after telling my friends bye. and didnt acknowledge me. and i juat kept smiling and turned around and walked away too #PRETENDING IT WAS FINE. BUT IT FELT BAD. BECAUSE I FAILED TO MAKE A FRIEND WHEN I THOUGHT I DID GOOD WITH THEM FOR ONCE #so “being confident/believing in yourself” like im told to do DIDNT WORK AND IT FELT WORSE THAN DOUBTING MYSELF. YOU LIARS. ugh fhdhdhfhjssk #WHAT DO. WHY LEE BAD AT THIS. WHY IT FEEL BAD. WHY NOT JUST ACCEPT BEING ALONE 99% OF TIME AND GIVE UP. WOULD BE EASIER #lee rants #autism things #i know its rude to invite yourself into a friend group but what if i try anyway 🤪✌️