#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pvarker · 2 years

Text

voice letters

masterlist • about me • general guidelines

summary: you've always had trouble sleeping, until peter parker was in your life.

warnings: panic attack (lowkey), anxiety descriptions!

tags: gn!reader, established relationship, fluff, universal!peter, peter parker is a sweetheart, literally tooth rotting fluff honestly.

word count: 1.6k

a/n: this is written based on quite literally the most romantic gesture anyone has done for me, and i already know peter is the type of boy to do this for someone he loves. i still have other wips [speaking off, im gonna make a wip list so at least yall can be updated]. let me know if you want to be added to my taglist! this is kinda badly written and shorter than usual but i hope you enjoy it!

sleep was never your best friend. you don’t know when it really started, but for as long as you can remember, you’ve never really had a good night’s rest.

every night, as your head hit the pillow, your mind would be as active as ever. and slowly, as the silence of your bedroom crept in, your thoughts would only grow louder. soon those would leak out of your mind, and crawl into your lungs and heart, like all the noise was submerging you into a deep ocean.

the longer the silence, the deeper you were pushed under, the pressure growing in your lungs. each time you took a breath, it was as if you couldn’t breathe deep enough. like the air you were breathing wasn’t actually going into your lungs.

so you would lay there in your bed, the darkness enveloping you as you tried to take deeper breaths, almost like you were trying to fill your lungs as much as you can. the feeling only grew into the night, your body and mind over exerting itself as your anxiety grew.

soon enough, you’d be asleep from the exhaustion. and you’d wake up, your limbs grown heavy from the lack of sleep as you dragged yourself up to get up for the day.

this went on for years, until you discovered the magical world of podcasts. it was a small tip you’d come by on one of those anxiety tip blogs, the ones with colorful graphics that you’d followed in an attempt to conquer, or at least control, the anxiety you dealt with.

it was odd the first time you set it up, a small speaker connected to your phone as you got ready for bed. you felt guilty, almost ashamed that you needed something like this to do something as basic as sleep, but at this point all your exhaustion and nerves overcame the guilt.

it was an odd change, filling the silence with just some voices but somehow it helped. your mind was so focused on taking in the story, their voices, that you drifted off into a deep sleep. and for the first time, you slept without any interruptions.

you started with history podcasts, ones that talked about niche stories and hidden tales that no one knew about. then slowly it became d&d, or theatrical shows. anything that provided you with a story to take your mind away from your thoughts long enough to sleep. you always had them on a timer too.

this was all until you started dating peter parker. he was your best friend since childhood, and every memory you can conjure up has him hidden in the background. he knew every detail of your life, mostly because he was the one person you could never keep a secret from.

but this was one secret he never knew about. that was until one stormy night, when you were over sleeping over at his apartment. aunt may was insistent that you not drive in the rain, and reluctantly, you agreed to stay. and it was soon settled that you’d just sleep with peter in his room ("with the door open, peter” may reminded her obviously embarrassed nephew.)

so that’s how you found yourself, cuddled into peter’s arms, wearing one of his nerdy math shirts. your body was as relaxed as ever, as the warmth of his body bled into yours, his arms firm and reassuring around you, yet your mind was overactive. the familiar anxiety crept in, and for a moment, you were frozen.

it had been a long time since you felt like this, the same paralyzing feeling taking over your body. it’d been a very long time since you’d slept without the soothing podcasts or at the very least a video playing in the background, and you’d become almost dependant on it.

“pete. do you think... could you talk to me?” you asked him, shifting your face to meet his sleepy eyes.

“you want me to talk to you? don’t you want to sleep?” he asked you, his voice low from sleep and exhaustion

“it’s okay if you can’t, i just... struggle to sleep sometimes,” you told him, suddenly embarrassed of your request, “i just need you to tell me a story, it can be anything,”

he fully looks at your now, his chocolate eyes tracing your face before nodding. you closed your eyes, as his voice started telling you about his day. and eventually, you drifted off into a sleep, his voice echoing in the back of your mind, warm in his embrace.

from then on, he was always there for you, replacing the podcasts with nightly calls to listen to him talk about his day, the weird things he saw in his patrols, the cool people he’s met as spiderman.

the boy would go as far as to swing to your house at times, still in his spidey suit as he climbed through your window, on especially hard nights. he’d climb into bed with you, holding you in his arms as he talked, stroking your hair back and drawing patterns on your skin.

it was the best thing about peter. the fact that he never asked, or pushed you to share why you needed this. he never made you feel embarrassed or shy about it, but instead took into stride, as if this was just a part of his daily routine.

and for him? it was just more time with you. more time to memorize your face, the way you fit in his arms, the softness of your skin, the way you’d breathe.

time moved fast, and before you realized, it was already your three year anniversary. it was a bright december afternoon as you made your way to the local coffeehouse. it was yours and peter’s first official date spot, and it’s the place you two always came back to, every single year for your anniversary.

peter was already seated in a corner table, with two drinks placed on the table. the boy was fidgeting more than ever, one leg vibrating with the energy he always carried inside him, when he spotted you.

you made your way to him quickly, the grin and joy almost bursting out of you as he enveloped you in a crushing hug.

“happy anniversary, darling,” you grinned as his hands cupped your face and pulled you into a soft kiss, before allowing you to take a seat. peter cleared his throat slowly before pushing forward a letter across the table.

“what’s this?” you asked, confusion filled your face, as you grabbed the letter off the table, turning it around in your hands, and inspecting every part. his familiar messy scrawl had written your name on the cover, surrounded by small stickers.

“this is uh, part one of my gift for you. um so, part two of my gift isn’t exactly... something physical,” he told you, his hands going to mess his hair, a nervous habit that only made him cuter. “check your phone. oh um and you’ll probably need headphones for this”

your phone lit up with a notification, and you took it in hand as you searched your pocket for your headphones. plugging it in, you clicked on the notification, which took you to a playlist. clicking on the very first audio file, peter’s very familiar voice flooded your ears.

“helloo. happy anniversary darling! sooo this is my gift to you, so you can sleep to my voice whenever you need to. i really hope you like this, because this playlist will be constantly updated with new episodes, maybe like 20 to 30 minutes of me just sharing stories and whatever i feel. i love you so much and i’m so glad you’re in my life, and i just want to make sure you can listen to my voice whenever you need it most.”

your mouth was open, in shock as you listened to peter talk in the file, looking at the nervous boy in front of you. he made you a podcast. a podcast so you can sleep well, so you can listen to his voice. the observant, kind boy in front of you, made you a podcast.

you ripped off the headphones, your voice shaky as you looked at him, your eyes slowly flooding with unshed tears. “peter, i-”

“do you like it? it’s okay if you don’t, but i know that you call me so you can sleep so i just wanted to make sure you can still have my voice to sleep to rather than having to wait for me after my patrols and-”

you cut him off, launching yourself at him to gather him into a kiss. it was rushed and imperfect, but it was soft, filled with everything you felt for him. you pulled away softly, your eyes searching his face.

“i love it, pete, this is... this is the best, most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given to me,” you assured him, your adoration and love for him flooding your voice. “i’m so lucky to have you.” your voice was almost raw, in surprise and just pure love for him.

“of course. anything for you, darling.” he grinned in reply, his eyes lighting up as you continued your date.

later that night, as you settled into your bed, you scrolled to his podcast, allowing the feeling and cadence of his voice to wash over you, as you were drawn into a blissful sleep.

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words-for-holland · 3 years

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Always Yours

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Sometimes dating a celebrity is hard...but Tom & Y/N have always said no matter what happens they could get through anything. Some angst but a lot of fluff.

A/N: So sorry for leaving yall hanging! Life is just crazy right now and this blog needs a lot of TLC tbh!! Also ehh I def dont think this was my best work but enjoy?

“Oof” Y/N lets out as she plops on to her boyfriend who was lying comfortable on the couch. Tom groaned at the impact with a cheeky smile on his face, his arms instantly wrapping around Y/N’s frame.

“Y’know..there are empty seats right there.” The soft brown-eyed boy gestured with the flick of his thick head as Y/N raises her eyes looking down at him, pretending to be slightly offended.

“Oh I see how it is then. It’s cool...Ill just cuddle with Tessa instead. I know she would welcome me with open arms instead of—” As she slowly starts getting off his chest, Tom is quick to pull her back in, securing her with his strong arms. “No baby, I was just kidding. I want you right here, and Im never letting you go.” he pleas.

The only thing Y/N could manage was letting out a fit of giggles into his chest, a sound that Tom adored and would do absolutely anything to hear every minute of every day. They stay like this for a while enjoying the feeling of each other as they both run their hands into each others hair, the feeling of their chests moving up and down, the subtle thumps of their heartbeats, and the little slips of adoration that came out of their mouths. It was peaceful. A moment that nobody could really take a way because it was theirs.

Y/N casually pulls up her phone, and scrolls through Twitter when she noticed a particular tweet on her timeline. Her eyebrows furrow, as she read the 160 character message.

Why Tom Holland Should Be With Aaliyah Cole and Dump Y/N: A Thread.

She knew it wasnt a good idea to open up the thread. She knew very well that everything within the shallow string of tweets would be a complete waste of her time because it was made up by fans who just wanted to satisfy their fantasy of shipping Tom with his co-star. Who can blame them? They always had great chemistry, but it was part of the job and thats all it would ever be.

“You’re awfully quiet.” Tom murmurs, as he places soft kisses at the crown of her head. “Whats going on?” She was lucky her phone was facing away from Tom, quickly closing the app and pretending to be on one of her many tabs in Safari.

“Mmm..nothing.” Y/N lies softly, a tight-lipped smiled plastered on her face.

“Absolute bullocks. Youre not a very good liar.” He chuckles. “Tell me darling. Whats on your mind?”

Y/N rolls her eyes in response. She’s heard that comment one too many times in her life from everyone shes known. After not giving it much thought, she gives in, sighing heavily. “Dont judge me for what Im about to say.”

“Mmm...I think it might depend on wha— Ow” Tom reacts as he playfully rubs the side of his chest that Y/N hit. “Okay too soon for jokes. Go on.”

Again, Y/N sighs as she props herself up. “Its just ... well a lot of your fans keeps talking about wanting you to get with Aaliyah.” She looks down trying not to make eye contact with Tom, who she’d imagine was looking at her with annoyance.

Tom rolls his eyes at the ridiculousness. Not so much at Y/N but the fact that some of his fans just didnt want to accept the fact that he was happy with Y/N. If it had to come from his mouth to stop the stupid rumors and give his girlfriend peace, then hed gladly yell it from the rooftops for everyone to hear. “Thats it Im making a statement about it.”

Y/N’s eyes widen in fear, scrambling to prevent him from grabbing his phone on the table next him. “No no no no.” She repeatedly declines. “You’ll only make it worse.”

“Darling, Im not going to stand here and watch you get all insecure because of their delusional ship.”

“Yeah well Im not gonna be the reason your fans hate me because Im getting in the way of your friendship with Aaliyah Cole.” She fires back.

Tom was ready to open his mouth only to be cut off once again. “And you know better. That is how your fans will always see it.”

“Okay, are you done?” He calmly asked, cautiously observing her. Rarely did Y/N ever get worked up about anything, but when she had her tangents, Tom always made sure she got off everything she needed to say before he becomes her voice of reason.

“Yeah, I guess.” she says feeling defeated. “Look its whatever and Im tired, can we just let this go and forget this whole conversation even happened?”

Tom was unconvinced, but didnt want to push her further. So reluctantly, he gave in and wrapped his arms around Y/N as they both tried to lull themselves to sleep.

***

Y/N wasnt sure how she ended up in the Tube. It was strange how the lights flickered off the rusted tile floor. The train was no where to be seen, but off to the side of the railroads was pitch black, she could hardly see beyond. To her right she noticed herself standing in the corner of the room, and to her surprise Aaliyah was there. Her milk chocolate kissed skin, and fashionably long frizzy hair dropped down past her shoulders. Her figure long and poised, as she wore a rain jacket and sweats. An outfit only she could pull off and make it look like she was a model for Vogue. Aasliyah smiles brightly at Y/N.

“Hey Y/N.” She says cheerfully as a genuine friend would.

To Y/N’s surprise she greeted her back in the same tone. “Hey Aaliyah...uhh whats going on?” Y/N wasnt sure if she wanted the answer of how they both ended up in the Tube or if she truly wanted to know how her day went.

“Well Im getting ready to present at the Oscars.” She replies, a smile plastered as if she was so excited about it, almost too excited like she was keeping a secret.

“Really? Oh my god, that’s amazing! Im so proud of you Aaliyah! Who are you taking?”

Aaliyah pauses for a few moment looking back and forth, making sure no one else was around. “Okay can you keep a secret?” She whispered.

Y/N nods her head slowly, not having the slightest clue of what was going on. “Im taking Tom. I think he really likes me, and well...I like him too! Do you think maybe I should ask him when we go?” Aaliyah asked genuinely. It was almost like she had no recollection of Y/N and Tom being a couple. “I think we would look good together. Everyone is already making rumors and ships about us.”

Y/N backs aways lowly only to bump into a broad figure. As she turns around she sees Tom, emotionless and almost sad. “Y/N.” He speaks out. “I dont think this is going to work out. Im leaving you.”

Y/N’s heart quickens, and her breaths become shorter as she tries to find a way to run. Running and running into the darkness, until all she could hear was Tom’s faint voice calling out her name.

***

“Y/N! Y/N! Baby wake up please.” Tom cries as he gently shakes his girlfriend from her disturbed sleep.

Quickly Y/N opens her eyes and clutches on to Toms hoodie firmly. Back home, and in Toms arms. It was a dream was all she thought. A sigh of relief escaping from her mouth.

“Darling...” he speaks softly, worried about his girlfriend. “Are you okay?”

Y/N looks up at him and nods frantically. “Mmm..bad dream.”

“Yeah it seemed like it. You were so frightened...I was scared. What happened?” He’s looking at her, trying to read her saddened eyes, wanting to desperately understand what scared her so he could make it all go away for her.

Y/N looks down at her fiddling hands, as she sits on the couch. “I uhh...” she lets out a chuckle, thinking of the ridiculousness of it all. “I uhh...dreamed about Aaliyah going to the oscars and saying how she loved you and how you two are perfect for each other. When I turned around I saw you but you werent happy and said you were leaving me.”

Tom doesnt say a word, all he could think about was how sorry he felt to put Y/N in this position. Though both of them knew, It wasnt Toms fault, or anyone’s for that matter. Feelings are feelings and that was okay. No human being was ever born perfect and without insecurities.

Y/N always tried to be a good sport with situations like this knowing every shippers theory and evidence were hardly ever true, but at some point there was only so much she could take before it all came out like an oil spill. Maybe it was a sign that she wasnt good enough to be with Tom if half of his fanbase thought this way as well.

Tom cradled her into his arms again, holding her tightly and kissing the top of her head. “Darling, I know youre still doubting yourself about all of this, but please believe me when I tell you that I love you so so much and no matter what happens...Im always yours.” He whispers gently in her ear. “It was only a dream and these ridiculous rumors and theories are just that. No one woman in the world could ever make me feel the way I feel for you.”

Y/N blinks softly, as she stares into space. Afraid and in a weird way ashamed, its funny how something so small and so minimal could affect her self-esteem so greatly. Tom gently brings her head up, so her eyes can meet his. He rolls his thumb on the bottom of her soft lips. “Hey, I love you.” Tom smiles.

Time stopped for the both of them the moment Y/N looked into his eyes, she felt safe. All the bad words and thoughts slowly disappear. Tom was right, none of the things that anyone said about their relationship mattered. She knew Tom loved her, and how much she truly loved him. Isnt that enough? Of course not. It was more than enough. A smile slowly forming on Y/N’s face. “Theres that smile I love so much.” He comments.

“Im sorry, for being such a —”

“No. Its okay. You have a right to feel the way you did.” He picks up her hand and leaves a gentle kiss.

“I love you so much Tom.” She says pressing her lips to his. “I dont deserve you.”

“Darling, its me that doesnt deserve you. Im always yours.” Tom proclaims as he kisses her back.

#tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader

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spyoikawa · 3 years

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hii♡ i saw your last lost and im so excited !! can i request aren kuboyasu with a s/o who loves PDA and always fills him with kisses, please?? with she/her or they/them pronouns <3

*inhales* KAHSKAHSJAAAAHHHHHHH TYSM FOR THIS IVE BEEN WANTING TO WRITE FOR HIM SO BAD THANK YOU FOR THIS REQUEST (also for future reference to anyone who's reading, I will always be using they/them pronouns in my work, if I use other pronouns it would only be for coming out/gender based requests)

Aren With an Affectionate S/O

♡romantic♡

He is definitely just as big about PDA as you are. When in a relationship, he's serious about it and he doesn't see any reason to be ashamed of it

Ofc he can recognize that there are certain times and places where it might not be appropriate, but he always makes up for it later

He is thrilled that his s/o is ok with PDA, seeing that his love languages are physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation

If you guys can sit with eachother in class or at lunch he always offers his hand for you to draw on or hold

Although he doesn't mind initiating touch, he is a bit embarrassed to ask, especially in public or around his friends, so he has little cues. Every now and then he might bend over a bit for a cheek kiss, or poke your arm so you can link it through his

He absolutely loves to play with you hair and he loves it when you play with his. If you have longer hair, he would learn different hairstyles and try them on you, he usually keeps hairties on him in case you need your hair done at school. If you have shorter hair, he likes brushing his fingers through it or rubbing your scalp (cause lord we all know that feels heavenly after a long day)

Just as much as he likes to recieve kisses, he gives them too at almost every chance he gets. His favorite are forehead kisses, they are intimate and romantic enough to show affection, but not over the top for public eyes.

He brushes your hair back a bit before planting a kiss at the tip of your forehead. He does this for every greeting, every parting, mid conversation, every "I love you", every tender moment, literally any chance he can get one in, he will

If you're taller than him, he kisses your knuckles in the softest way possible, like holy cow- he is so gentle when he lifts your hand and he lightly presses his lips to them in the most loving way possible, I get butterflies thinking of it

If you guys are working or talking to someone, he likes holding you from the back, resting his head on yours, with his arms losely draped around you holding eachother or playing with yours in front

If you're taller than him, then he likes to be held like that too :) Aren is big on security and protection, so whether he is delivering safety or he feels safe, he adores it

Overall 11/10 if you like pda because he is always ready to recieve and return it

#aren x reader #aren kuboyasu #kuboyasu x reader #aren hcs #kuboyasu hcs #saiki k hcs #saiki k

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shouta-aizawow · 2 years

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Sorry I've been super stressed with classes and shit, so i wasn't thinking a lot of ask :'( But this: Short Katsuki, i mean, everyone has a grown sprout except him, so he's one of the shortest of the class. It's funny see it from outside, because you got all this tall person hyper afraid of this little feral gremlin, and so people start understimating him, his mistake. Btw, i really love how you put the ask i do, you are an awesome persone and writer, and whoever say otherwise is lying.

YOU GEM IM SO SORRY ITS BEEN OVER A YEAR I AM ASHAMED!!!!!

I love you and your asks it was just too much brain power for me I’m sorry 😭😭😭

BUT!!! I’ll work through them all soon enough!!! (Hopefully…) Winter break babeyyyyyyy >:D

Okay anyway!!!!!

Short Katsuki will always have a place in my heart. Like, tbh idrc if he’s tall (as long as he’s shorter than his s/os most of the time), but!!! It’s such a peak flavor

I feel like the girls and Sero and Denki would make fun of him the most, but after a while they realize that a Katsuki that feels slighted is a Katsuki that’s dangerous, and their mere existence is now a perceived slight

No one in 1-A is safe

He is 100% willing to take the “ankle biter” and “all you can reach is my shin” comments seriously and actually put his teeth and target practice to good use

After all, if they can’t use their legs, they can’t stand above him

(I just imagine him taking out those mocking him one by one XDDD)

By the end of his time at UA, all of his peers know that making height jokes is the same as putting their names in the Death Note

Ofc Katsuki never does any serious permanent harm or anything, but he’s so creative and intelligent that he always knows the best way to get them back, and it’s absolutely terrifying

The pro hero’s took a while to truly understand the fear, but they came around quickly

Villains, however, have not learned this lesson yet, unfortunately.

———

In his early pro hero years, Bakugou was only really known as the feral kid that got kidnapped by villains multiple times. On tv, he always seemed like a monster, so to speak. Larger than life, all bark all bite.

Despite this, due to the media’s obsession with broadcasting all his failures and weak moments, the professional world (both on the villain and hero sides) never really took him seriously.

This is made even worse when, in person, they see this bomb come onto the scene in all his 5’8” glory, rushing in with a 6’5” teammate.

Needless to say, the current villain they’re taking on needs a moment to catch their breath, for that is the funniest thing they’ve seen in a while.

Amidst the cackles and the gasps, they manage to croak out a weak “I can barely see you! What’re you gonna do, kid? Aim for my knees?”

They’re too busy taunting Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight to notice the wide eyed, frantically shaking head of Red Riot, the current tall companion of the day.

It doesn’t take long for them to bite their tongue, both literally and metaphorically, because aiming for the knees is exactly what prohero Dynamight chooses to do.

Which is then followed by a few punches here, a couple kicks there, a multitude of explosions everywhere until they can’t catch their breath for reasons other than amusement.

When the villain is huffing and puffing and in pain, sprawled on the cracked asphalt, they stumble to their feet, ready to attempt a retaliation strong enough to buy themself some time.

But looking around, they can’t see Dynamight anywhere…

“Howitzer—“

Oh fuck.

“Impact!”

———

Anyway, even after that battle, which was ofc broadcasted live, some villains still tried to mock Dynamight for his short stature.

It took a while, but after every villain doing so woke up the same way—in the hospital, chained to the hospital bed, looking at doctors, detectives, and policemen alike—they knew to keep their mouths shut when it came to Dynamight’s height.

———

Yes ofc Red Riot decided he wasn’t gonna get involved from the first hit

ONE DOWN 12 MORE TO GO AHHHHH IM SORRY AGAIN I LOVE YOUUUU

If I get through them all before the end of the year I’m throwing myself a party XDDD

Two of them are song recs, though, so that’s exciting!!!! (All of them are but I love being recced stuff)

I appreciate all the asks I promise but I was too stressed and then I forgot abt them for MONTHS and boooo me 😭😭😭

BUT ALSO YOURE SUPER SWEET FOR THAT LAST BIT YOURE ALSO AWESOME AND I LOVE SEEING YOUR WRITING IN THE KARIBAKU DISCORD 🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

#wow! asks!#MOLI I LOVE YOU IM SORRY 🧡🧡🧡🧡#hopefully it doesn’t take another year for me to answer the next ones <3 #no promises though I have zero faith in myself #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bakugou katsuki #bakugou #bakugo katsuki #bakugou headcanons #bnha headcanons #short Bakugou

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courtney-deserved-better · 3 years

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whats ur writing schedule/process like! not in a “write faster” way, but i think once you mentioned writing in script form? and i like the way you wrote ur most recent fic! just curious bc ur works are just really good :)

this is a great question!!

if its not slippery slopes, ill usually get an idea for something and periodically jot down notes when they come to me until I feel like i have enough information to start writing (or if im just motivated), that's what i did for my horror challenge rewrite. and for stuff that's like... rewrites of an episode that aren't as character-focused as slippery slopes, i usually read the episode transcripts and try to replicate that total drama style with my own writing

for shorter oneshots, i usually just get a vague idea and run with it until i find a good ending spot, then i go back and clean it up a bit so the structure works

slippery slopes is an... interesting cycle. chapters are getting long enough that i cant just write them in one sitting any more (i think ch5 was the last chapter i did that for) and instead ill agonize over the beginning (always the hardest part to write for me) but once i get going with that i usually finish the chapter within a few days. then i reread the previous chapter to make sure it flows ok (and there aren't any contradictions) and then ill give myself a break where i dont do anything total drama related before coming back to edit and post. though before I do all that I type up notes and rough dialogue bits

and then once i post it it's like... a weight off my chest? like ive been purged or something?? idk its a weird sensation but im just like i Physically Cannot Write Anything For This Right Now and i don't start on the next chapter until that goes away. and then i either start the beginning and do nothing for a week before going back and finishing the chapter or i go into a manic state and write nonstop for a few days. right now i haven't reached a point where im ready to begin writing chapter 10 but i have a lot of notes for it.

(also as soon as i finish posting a chapter i try not to go on my laptop for like 12 hours so i don't obsessively refresh my email for comments. i love reading comments so much holy shit. please comment guys it makes fic authors feel so happy we will love you for it)

as for scripts: i am working on being a writer professionally, but specifically a playwright. writing in a script format comes more naturally to me than writing prose. funnily enough, i started posting fanfic just to practice my prose (and fix stuff in cobra kai that i didnt like) but things sort of... ended up here? idk man but im enjoying it.

right, so because writing in a script format is easier when im really struggling with a section in a fic ill usually scrap whatever i had and write it like a script, then translate that into prose. i was very excited to write the family videos for chapter 9 of slippery slopes, but i was Having Issues, so i redid it as a script and then rewrote that as prose. ill put the script version under the cut if you're interested in that.

but thank you so much for the question!! i do think my writing process is a bit unconventional but hey i think things are turning out well! if you have any more questions feel free to send them in!!

ok here is the last scene of ch 9 of slippery slopes in script format:

[SIERRA]

MOM: Hi honey! Omigosh this is so exciting! I bet you’re having such a great time! Especially since Chris is there! Is Chris watching this? Hi Chris! You know, I loooved you on that ice skating show. Your hair was fantastic! Well, it always is, haha. Do you really make your own hair gel? I’ve been trying to perfect the recipe but you’re just so hard to track down! Oh, you’re such a funny guy! I laughed sooo hard when you made all those jokes about marrying Chef.

Chef: hey!

Chris: ok just for the record, I wasn’t joking, we are married, Sierra tell your mom we’re married

Sierra: …can we just turn it off please

[COURTNEY]

DAD: Courtney, sayang, I know you’ve been going through a lot right now—

MOM: So you’d BETTER make it count. You’ve made it this far before, I want to see you getting all the way to the finale this time. And winning it. Enough moping about those hideous, good-for-nothing slackers! That’s what you get for hanging around freaks like them. You’re doing this for the million, now get the million. Is that clear?

ZARINA: And kick ass!

DAD: Zarina!

Video cuts out.

Alejandro: courtney you good?

Courtney: no, she’s right. Mama didn’t raise no quitter

Alejandro: [knows she’s still upset about duncan and gwen]

[ALEJANDRO]

MOM: Hola, Alejandro. We hope you are doing well, especially in such unsavory conditions. I’m glad to see you’ve made it to the final four— we expected nothing less, of course.

DAD: You have been utilizing your skills quite well. Though I wish you hadn’t been so… blatant about it. You’ll have to work twice as hard once this is over to convince people you’re trustworthy. But surely you were aware of that going into this… odd endeavor. That’s just politics. Reputation is everything.

JOSE: [snorts] Oh, and what a reputation you have, Al. I could easily compile hours of footage of your failures, but I, unlike you, do not waste my time on the frivolities of reality television. Though you always have been lacking in taste. Especially with that bratty girlfriend of yours— oh, my mistake, aren’t you dating the whiny weakling? It’s so hard to keep track! [laughs]

Alejandro: callate!

MOM: I’m sure Alejandro is just working an angle on them.

DAD: Whatever the case is, do not disappoint us.

[NOAH]

MOM: Hi Noah, I’m sorry, I don’t have time to record a full video, but I’m proud of you! Here are your sisters!

ISWARI: A million dollars? A million [bleep] dollars? Win it, Noah! Win it!

RUTH: Dude!! This is crazy! I know you can do this— good luck! Ark misses you! [holds up Ark who barks]

MARA: Are you insane? Why aren’t you dating Alejandro already?

Noah: shut up, mara, just because you can’t keep a boyfriend—

ANYA: Don’t let ‘em trick you! No mercy! Crush their skulls if you have to— no, wait, you’re not strong enough for that. We’ll get there!

LIYA: I say this as your sister, someone who loves you but is constantly annoyed by you— for someone who is quite literally a genius, you sure can be an idiot sometimes.

BALLARI: Okay, I literally have no idea how you’ve made it this far without an athletic bone in your body— are we sure you aren’t adopted? I’m kidding

ABS: You’re stubborn as hell when it comes to me, so you better be stubborn as hell when it comes to winning! And when you do win, get me a frozen yogurt machine, will you? I promise I won’t make you rock climb again!

JAEL: If you lose this, I’ll kill you with this racket. And then use your guts to make myself a new racket. So don’t fuck it up. Again.

Noah: [frozen, ashamed]

Sierra: well that was a mess

Courtney: ok show of hands, who felt better after hearing that? [no one raises hands]

Chris: yeah I was expecting this to be a lot more heartwarming…

Chef: chris just look at them. If they had stable home lives they wouldn’t be doing reality tv

Alejandro: can we please stop talking about this. Also aren’t you supposed to be flying the plane

Chef: oh fuck

Chris: yeah sure. I think im gonna call my mom

Everyone: …

Noah: ok so that was really shitty. Why dont we all go to first class and try and ignore our problems

Everyone: yeah ok sounds good

***

Courtney: so that sucked

Alejandro: at least your dad seems ok

Courtney: true. What are your guys dads like

Noah and Sierra: bold of you to assume I know my dad. Jinx

***

Alejandro: that last girl… you mentioned a sister who does tennis and hates you

Noah: yep

Alejandro: why?

Noah: none of your business. but… it is pretty justified

#slippery slopes #ask #anon #total drama #writing #fic #my fic

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lucifers-pen · 3 years

Text

Belphegor closed his eyes ready to drift into a peaceful slumber.

His dreams lately hadn't been as happy as he would've liked but it wasn't anything big nor anything he couldn't handle.

He awoken suddenly when he heard someone say his name, he opened his eyes fully to reveal lillith standing Infront of him, arms crossed like she was disappointed in him, what had he done to make her look so disappointed.

"Belphie, I can't belive you went down to the human world!" She exclaimed at the ex-angel, "you know Micheal forbid us!"

"I know, I'm sorry...I was just curious what their like" as soon as those words left his mouth it felt as if the room had shifted, lillith now behind him a more angry expression on her face

"Your curiosity killed me, belphie...made our brothers fall and you dare act like everything normal around them?" She said appearing next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder, "How could you not apologise to a person you almost killed?!"

"Stop it!!, Just stop!!" Belphie grabbed her hand and pulled it off of his shoulder, "I know I should've apologized! I know I shouldn't have tried to do what I did, but I'm trying to get better, I'm trying to do better!!"

All of a sudden the room went dark and he started to fall.

He woke up with tears streaming down his face, he couldn't belive what dream he had. He tried to close his eyes but the thought of that dream coming back made him force his eyes open again. He didnt want to feel the anguish felt again.

How could lillith say that to him...he knew it was a dream but that made it hurt worse, what would she think of his actions...maybe beelzebub should've saved her instead of him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

After 4 days of not sleeping Belphie felt the need to seek help for his dilemma. Whenever he closed his eyes to sleep he saw an angry lillith in front of him, arms crossed and a sour expression planted in her face.

He had asked every one of his brothers for help except to one...lucifer

He hadnt been on good terms with his eldest brother for a long time, but if anyone knew how to help it was him...

Belphie knocked on Lucifer's office door and had a thought for a moment to leave, to ask beel for help again but lucifer opened the door before belphie could run

"Yes, Belphegor?" Lucifers said as he looked at the shorter demon with a curious look in his eyes

"...hey Lucifer I could really use your help for a moment. If your busy I could ways come back later" belphie stammered as anxiety creeped into his heart.

Why was he so nervous...he had talked about it with the other brothers so why was lucifer the hardest to talk to?

"No need to leave, I was just finishing the last paper, now...what's bothering you?" Lucifer said moving out of the way so belphie could walk in

"...It's about lillith" belphie muttered feeling like an idiot being upset over a stupid dream.

"lillith? What about her?" Lucifer questioned as belphie walked into the room, sitting on the couch

"Well...you see, I had a nightmare about lillith about four days ago and I haven't slept a blink since...I'm extremely tired but I don't want to see lillith mad at me" belphie stated as he hugged himself

"May I ask what your nightmare was about?" Lucifer asked.

Belphie explained his nightamre and how lillith had blamed him for her and the brothers demise. That he should feel ashamed for trying to kill the mc.

"Listen, it wasn't your fault lillith tried to save that human she fell in love with, it wasn't your fault that she fell in love...she tried to play god and if she blamed it on you than shes digusted with herself and trying to point the blame" lucifer started, "if beelzebub saved her, she would be upset that you died because of her. Lilliths actions are not yours to carry belphie. You made a mistake, yes but at least your taking accountability for your actions and attempting to fix it"

Belphie was speechless, "I...but how will I know how to move on and stop having bad dreams..."

"You won't, Belphegor. You have trauma from watching her die...it will always be apart if you but if you talk about it it'll make it a bit easier to deal with...the bad dreams remind us to savor the good dreams"

Lucifer pulled his younger brother into a hug

"Im sorry you were struggling through this, if you need to talk I'm always here for you"

The End

#obeyMe #Obeyme!#Belphegor Obeyme #belphie #obey me #LuciferObeyme #Lucifer #belphegor #lucifer #Angst #hurt comfort

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rattusrattus3 · 4 years

Note

-pt.3/? I took pride in my long hair because it’s always been very thick and easy to grow out. I bleached my hair two months ago and I already have an inch of roots back. Two years ago my hair was to my jaw but is now at my low to mid back. My hair has always been something people have complimented me for when I identified as my assigned gender. I don’t think I have the confidence in myself yet to let that go. So I’m wondering how you might have worked through that. Thank u for ur time reading

Pt 3/3 hey babe thanks for writing in!

Ok so I think I understand your question? You want to prseent more masc but have long hair atm, and feel that your long hair is holding you back from desired presentation, but also bc of socialization and hair being pretty and nice, its hard to let the long hair go?

Welp! i feel u! this was my experience: i grew up with short hair and then grew it out in high school and cut it off in university, when i first cut off my hair (tho i Identified as a girl at the time) it felt like a huge loss of my femininity (but it was hair was damaged AF cause i used to straighten it every day in high school :)))and i felt really not pretty and it kinda sucked after i chopped it! but after i got used to the “shock” of it (like after a couple days), and also after i dyed it (black, then green, then blue and back and forth between those colours since i was 18) i really liked it. So first, hair color change might help with self confidence? and like some days it still doesn’t feel pretty but i remind myself that my purpose is not to be pretty my purpose is just to exist and do what makes me happy so, whatever, hair. (that’s not to say you’re not entitled to feeling ur feelings about ur dysphoria or body or hair! ur feelings are valid, but maybe you can re frame your thoughts around them!)

also getting a hair cut u like and not giving a shit about what other people would think suits u, like? what have you always wanted but been too scared for? want baby bangs? or v shaped bangs? or a death hawk? or a poofy little mushroom cut? what color? like do your thing ! hair will grow back.

Anyway. i think one thing i would like to just mention gently is that you can have long hair and still be masc, like being gender fluid doesn’t have to mean you cut your hair off, by all means, do it if you like, but its by no means a requirement and you shouldn’t cut it off if you like it and want to keep it? but idk. some dudes have long hair, some ladies have long hair, some enbies have long hair, some dudes/ladies/enbies have no hair and that doesn’t invalidate them so why should it invalidate u? one way i help myself feel more masc is with makeup hehe, you can shade around your eyes and jaw and make a fake beard (here’s some youtube tutorials) (x) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw8M-wfHC9A (x) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAfbBVqfbN4 (x) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieSydLI3KTY, you can tuck your hair up into a beanie if you choose not to cut it :) or Why not do some kind of viking braids in your hair? that could make it more masc, and also i think when you braid your hair it gets shorter so? or maybe curl it? why not shave a side? or get an undercut?

if you do want to cut your hair off and it feels important to u, go for it! i 100000% support you. it might be scary but you will be really cute, and it can grow back! but if u cut it, why not buy a couple of cheap wigs for when you want long hair? (or one nice one?) i have a long pastel purple one that i got online for like 16$ and its cute and makes me feel fem on the days i want to!

Anyway when i figured out my gender ID (and yes i am non binary!) it mostly helped me let go of lots of things i felt ashamed of with my body! like, the fact i had short hair or body hair was like “yeah fukc this I’m not a girl so i don’t have to have long hair or shave, cause hair is this thing that grows our of your scalp and body hair is just little hair that grows out your body” and wearing makeup and skirts is like “yeah these are just colours and minerals im sticking on my face and fabric im putting on my body” like these things (hair, makeup, clothes etc) are so artificially gendered by societal norms and i was just eventually fed up with it and like “fuck, hair or lack thereof doesn’t make someone the gender they are,” and just reminding oneself that regardless of body or hair you ARE the gender identity you feel because only you know it and its not a thing that’s gonna be visible necessarily, but u know it and it can fluctuate and u don’t have to prove it to anyone or “look” like it.

anyway, i am so happy and proud of you for experimenting with gender and where you fit! it can be so scary in our heteronormative world, but you living ur life and expressing urself is resistance so keep it up <3 be gentle with yourself, and whatever you do, its going to be really cute so just :) know that!

#ask #asks #advice #mutuals #bad advice #hair #gender #austronaught-icecream

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sloppy-butcher · 4 years

Note

I saw your requests were open,if not I’m sorry :,). But can I get some hcs with Frank,Dwight (Jake and/or Quentin) with a s/o who’s a short curvier artist and is just insecure about themselves and their work? I’m just in sad boy hours rn lmao

please don’t ever feel sorry about sending in an ask

Sorry, it took as long, I can’t help with how much I write. Hopefully, this will help alleviate some of them sad boy hours. I’m going to assume that by “artist” you mean drawing and not like music soooo also im going to assume its a survivor S/O

i love you anon, thank you for the ask and sorry again for the wait

sad boy hours is offically declared OVER

HeadCanons with a short, insecure Artist S/O

The Legion (Frank Morrison)

Frank, in all honesty, doesn’t give a flying crap about how you look. To him, if you can make him laugh or you amuse him in the slightest, he already likes you. The only looks or appearances he does care about are his own, he’s gotta look badass 24/7, no exceptions. But he does like that you are shorter than him (not a lot of people are so you are a rarity). He likes to tease you and put his elbow on your shoulder or head.

“I need my walking stick.” His eyes would trail over to you. Cue you trying to walk around with the boy hanging onto you, grumbling like an old man. You contrasted him exactly to the T

Frank is absolutely fascinated by your artistic abilities. You have a real talent and he enjoys both watching your process and seeing the finished project. Talent like yours was hard to come by, he sort of envied you for it. If only he had that kind of something that made him special that would have made those foster parents interested in him. But that time for developing uniqueness has passed and now, all he has is you.

You shared your talent with him and he felt extremely special when you would ask him what to sketch next. Frank would pull Suzie over and set her up in a position he imagines to be cool. He would pause, inspect Suzie’s bad form then huff and begin to rearrange her limbs until she was just right. “That's nice.” He’d comment over your shoulder. You’d tell him you didn't like being watched like that while you work and he’d sigh and reluctantly shuffle away. Not even 5 minutes later he would be back standing over you. You would just have to deal with him. He wasn’t judging you or your skills rather he just wanted to watch and marvel at how easy you made it look.

“Okay, now give her a huge dick.” Both Suzie and you would gasp. “Frank! No! That's too disgusting.” A moment of silence. “How big?”

Frank noticed right away when you would start to feel insecure. When you would flatly refuse to take out your sketchbook regardless of what ridiculous poses Suzie would make for you. You were quiet, eyes downwards and shoulder slumping as if you were trying to make yourself somehow smaller than you already were. Frank’s by no means an emotional guy but seeing you so downtrodden, so determined to sink into the background really tore at his heartstrings. He would pull you aside, taking you far away from the others until you two were alone. You wouldn’t look at him, your arms wrapped around yourself. “It’s not just the art.” He was guessing but already he knew he was right. You wouldn’t even offer him a nod afraid that by doing so you would be labeled as someone digging for feigned sympathy.

This was so difficult for Frank. He didn’t know how to comfort you or how to make you feel better. He also didn’t understand where this sudden insecurity came from. To him you perfect and talented and such a good person. You had a kind heart which you would share with those around you and that's all he really cared about. You were good to him. He couldn’t think of anything to say so instead he walked closer to you and slowly placed your hand between his. You momentarily looked up at him and you saw his eyes flicker behind his mask. He squeezed your hand, his words failing but his contact and pressure making up for it. He was trying to be reassuring and you appreciated it. He’d only ever hold your hand and that was something to be gratefully for.

In that time alone he asked you to take out your sketchbook. You did and he steps away, releasing one hand from yours. He reaches up and hesitantly takes off his mask. “Draw me.” You were stuck, in awe of his face and the significance of this moment. Frank never takes his mask off, not completely anyway. This must really mean something to him, YOU must really mean something. A wave of unsureness washed over you and you lost all confidence in your skill. He saw you slip away again and he squeezed his hand. “Hey.” He makes you look at him, his face gentle and his attention focused solely on you. “I believe in you. You are good. You got this.” And that's all you needed to hear. You got the feeling that he was talking about more than just your drawing skills. If he believed in you then everything was okay. You were alright. “Besides. It can’t be worse than the original.”

Dwight Fairfield

Like Frank, Dwight doesn't really care about your outward appearances. Well, it's not that he doesn't care it’s more that he just in a constant state of shock that anyone at all is interested in him. He’s always amazed when you sit next to him specifically or when you want to talk to him and actually listen to what he says. No one has ever really given him that kind of attention before and now you’re here beside him eagerly wanting to hear how his day was or what he was feeling. Dwight was just grateful to have someone as kind and loving as you were to even notice him.

He was beyond blown away by your artistic talents. You can sketch killers from memory and Dwight always finds himself in awe of how detailed and accurate the drawing was. You were so creative and special, the thing he was never. He looked to you and saw everything he could never be or never was. But you didn’t shove your achievements in his face, you didn't flaunt your talents like some egotistical morons would. You were humble and his compliments never went straight to your head. You looked so good when you were kind and modest. He liked how ordinary you were regardless of how awesome you appeared to him.

You’d often ask to draw him and he would blush and look away. Why would you want to draw him? The most boring of all the other survivors. But you were insistent and eventually, he’d cave. If only you had a red pencil because his cheeks were always hot and flushed. He could never make eye contact with you while you worked on him so expect a lot of side profiles or closed eye portraits.

In trials together his heart would all but break at the sight of you getting hurt. Whenever he’d hear your cries as you’d be slammed onto a meat hook he would gasp and practically feel something inside him cry out along with you. You were too good for this. He was a nobody, a weak, pathetic nobody who deserved to be in this purgatory because he was too scared to try and live a normal life. This was his punishment for being so forgettable. But you... he just couldn’t understand it.

Once he had jumped between you and your pursuer taking the hit and aggression while you ran off to go heal. For once in his life he felt happy, he felt as if he had finally done something meaningful and good. He had saved you. He would have died for you as well but you never let that happen. He watched in utter shock and disbelief as, against all odds, you went back for him. You pulled the man off his hook and with shaking hands you pressed his head into yours. Both your foreheads with touching and you had your hand at the back of his head.

“Don’t ever do that again.” He felt you waver and suddenly he realized that you were scared for him. He felt your urgency and terror and it was all directed towards him and his safety. He could have cried.

Dwights not the brightest bulb in the pack so forgive him but it will take a while for him to realize that you were insecure. He just assumed that when you started isolating yourself from him that it was because you had found someone much better than him. But he noticed that your hands still shook whenever you’d see him in pain and you would always be by his side the moment he needed help. You still cared for him deeply and he could feel it through your desperate actions and your desolate expression.

He walked over to your spot at the campfire. No one was near you, all were chased away by your depressing aura. You were dark and dying, everything around you was heavy with despair and sorrow yet he pushed through it all. He clawed away that thick fog and finally came to rest by your side. You didn't even look at him as he approached.

“Y-You don’t draw anymore.” No response. He hesitated unsure of how best to comfort you. He looked over and saw your hands. They were so small and gentle yet they produced such amazing things. He missed seeing you alive as you worked, the happiest you had ever been. He reached out and took your hands in his. This was the most forward he had ever been with you and it caught you by surprise. You turned to face him and you saw pain in his eyes.

“I-I’m sorry.” he paused and looked away, ashamed. “I’m sorry I took so long to notice.”

Dwight really did feel sorry. He felt like he had abandoned you, leaving you vulnerable and alone with the true killer; yourself. This time you felt his hands shake.

Dwight wasn’t much but he was yours and he loves you. And he loved you so much to maybe even make up for your own lack of self-love. You sighed and rested your head on his shoulder. He was enough.

“Please draw me again. I-I promise I won’t look away this time.” How could you refuse him?

Jake Park

Jake’s a simple man. He knows the silence of the world and prefers it to the company of people. So when you start to hang out with him or show interest in his life he is pretty unresponsive. He expected you to eventually lose curiosity in him and leave him alone with the woods. But you didn’t.

You’d follow him around, asking questions and receiving minimal answers. You would ask him what to draw and when you were done he would just glance at the sketch then nod or huff. He was certainly a very difficult and cold man.

You would draw many things for him, be it crows or plants or sometimes even killers. And he would always show an extreme lack of interest in them. So you decide to stop showing him. The two of you would sit in a quiet spot in the woods, you sketching and him wondering why you were still trying so hard to be friends with him.

You were working on a portrait when you were, without warning, whisked off into a trial. You quickly shoved your art into your pocket and set to work trying to escape. Jake was in the trial with you and you gladly worked on gen with him. Minutes later everyone was dying and only 2 generators had been lit. It wasn’t looking so good but the only thing you were worried about was your precious item in your pocket. It was something that you were really proud of and, to be dead honest, it was one of the best pieces of art you had made in a long time. You were afraid to die and lose it. But... it really didn’t look like you were getting out of this one.

You caught Jake in a corner, injured but not making a noise. You approached him and he reached out ready to tend to your wounds. You shook your head and crouched next to him trying to catch your breath. Your hand went into your pocket and pulled out your folded artwork. he eyed it unsure.

“I know you don’t care about my bad drawings but,” you held it out for him to take. “please, this one’s for you.” You quickly ran off, too embarrassed to be there when he opened it.

He was frozen for a moment, confused as to what just happened. He did care about your drawings. You were talented and he really enjoyed when you included him. Why would you think that he wouldn’t like them? He turned his attention back to the paper. With a bloody hand, he carefully unfolded it and was shocked to find a portrait of him. It was so beautiful, delicate lines used to define his face and his far-off expression and for a second he couldn’t believe it was him. It was so well done. How could you be ashamed of showing him this? He loved it. He looked up and saw you run off and his heart run with you. He was suddenly hit with his suppressed love for you. You were patient and kind and your small stature always made him wonder how anyone could hurt something so cute. He escaped that trial along with your picture. He, unfortunately, couldn’t save you.

Later at your spot in the woods, he approached you. He presented your art and you gasped. “How’d you get that!?” You reached out to take it back. “I’m sorry! It’s...” your cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He must think you are such a creep, drawing bad pictures of him without his knowledge. You clutched the paper to your chest and felt a wave of hot insecurity flood over you. But Jake never let you drown.

“It’s really good,” Jake said, his voice the most emotional and vibrant it had ever been. “I’m sorry if I never expressed my appreciation of it.” He put a hand on your shoulder. “You’re really good... to me. And,” he paused letting go for a moment and taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. Thank you for sticking around.” It wasn’t much but it was the best he could do. There was a deep-rooted honestly in his confession and it pulled at your heart.

It wasn’t enough to make you feel better but it was a start. With Jake, it is a journey of recovery, not a once-off end-all fix. But he was good at consistency and was always there the moment your fears reared their ugly heads. He was warm and solid, grounding both himself and you in the world.

#dbd imagines #dbd headcanons #dbd x reader #dbd frank morrison #dbd dwight fairfield #dbd jake park

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wongiemei · 5 years

Text

iKON Relationship with New Girl Member

Jinhwan:

Basically, her dad

Takes care of her the most dealing with her problems

He’s the oldest and he is used to dealing with the boys’ shit so he can handle hers too

But sometimes, it can be overwhelming

The girl member would listen to him like he would for her

Whenever she gets in trouble, he would always defend her (which annoys Bin a lot)

When she’s in that *cough* time *cough*, she would be the most comfortable with him

Jinhwan wouldn’t hesitate but go to the store 2 streets down and buy her chocolate, medicine, heating packs, chips, and tampons/pads

out of all the boys, she would trust him the most

if she needs something, she would go to him first

jinhwan loves to brag about that to the boys

he also loves the fact that someone is finally shorter than him

the boys still call him short but the girl defends him saying he’s taller than her

if anything, they should call her short

the first time it happened, jinhwan almost cried bc finally someone stood up for him

whenever he’s upset or hurt by what the others said, he hides it but she can usually tell

the only one he speaks his problems to

she experiments with makeup on him since he’s the only one who lets her

ngl, she’s actually pretty good

‘i didn’t spend 2 all-nighters watching jeffree star and james charles for nothing’

but as long as he sees that bright smile, he’s happy

i think he would be the im-never-letting-you-go type with her because he sees her as the girl he saw for the very first time

shy and innocent

and he will be damned if someone corrupts her

Yunhyeong:

if Jinhwan is her dad, he’s her mom

makes sure she does laundry, gets up early, goes to bed on time, showers before the boys

will feed and cook for the girl even when he’s tired

thinks shes the cutest little thing

but he knows that if he finds chanwoo and her are talking amongst themselves, shes gone

gets pranked on the most

the boys would use the girl to take advantage of his kindness to her for a prank

then the girl would be guilty later on and secretly tell song what theyre planning

believe it or not, yunghyeong is pretty scary when he’s mad

so she rats the others out bc she knows he wont punish her and she could watch the boys suffer

its like killing 2 birds with one stone

but really, she appreciates him

without him, she would be stuck eating delivery and ramen every night

since she rooms with him, chanwoo, and hanbin, hes always cooking something

ikonics see her a lot in his vlives and YT channel

when he went to the jungle, she was very worried

‘hyung, you’re going to get sick there! who’s going to feed me when you’re gone? you know Bin can’t cook for shit!’

‘yah! do you only see me as your chef?!’

‘what do you mean i can’t cook?!’

he looks out for her a lot

during ikontv, she was the only one excited for the mungap trip

out of all the boys, she appreciates him the most

okay, maybe she appreciates him and jinhwan the most

but, he was the one who made her feel welcome and tried the most to help her fit in and make sure she was comfortable

will never forget when he left her a tray of food at her door when she refused to leave her new room

there was a post-it note with encouraging words and she still has it to this day

just a wholesome mother-daughter relationship that will never be broken

Bobby:

oh, my baby

as i mentioned in the earlier post, he wasn’t very upset but he wasnt happy

but he wasnt upset enough to make her feel uncomfortable

bc jiwon is such a baby and so nice that he subtly helps her

over time, they build a cute relationship where he is like her older brother

steals her food all the time

‘no! song-hyung cooked that for me! Only for me!’

‘yah! it’s rude not to share with your elders!’

‘*mumbling* wdym elder. you’re practically a 5 year old’

jiwon has no mean bone in his body and you were practically an angel to him

well, when you’re not fooling around or goofing off

although he thought you wouldnt survive in iKON, he tries to help you as much as he can

even though bin is literally a big butt and gives you a hard time, jiwon helps you

like the time bin screamed at you because you couldnt get the dance right and you, being a strong woman who wouldnt let people push you around, screamed at him too

it resulted to you having a screaming match and the elders having to push you back because you were so close to punching him in the face and the youngers holding bin because he wouldnt hesitate to come at you

more on that in a sec

Donghyuck:

oof my baby sunshine

previously stated, he was the only one excited for your arrival

so obvs, yall are very tight

you, bob, and dong do vlives together a lot and ikonics look forward to it all the time

always cheers you up

remember that prank for ikon tv where dong literally started comforting the girl?

well, he does that to you

he knows when you start to get upset and he rubs your back

sometimes, just a hug from him makes it all better

did i mention that he gives out the warmest hugs?

ace dancers

both of you love to do covers as bonding time

whenever you can’t sleep, you just go to the other dorm and go under the covers while he sings to you

he sees you as his little sister and reminds him of his own little sister back home

btw, he loves to give you gifts

but so do you

when yall were filming ikon tv, he always picked up something that reminded him of you

like when he went shopping with bobby for their studio, he got you a little cute figurine that you still have to this day

or when you went to lotte mall for your day off and bought him a little necklace

fans get excited bc they always see matching yall have

the two of you wear the most fan gifts

like when someone gave hanbin a shirt, you snatch it and wear it

like how dong takes bobby’s clothing

yall are so cute together and fans wish they had a brother or a sister like yall

Junhoe:

this hoe

jk, but he really looks hot in this one

yes, he hated you in the beginning but once he found out similarities between you, he started tolerating you

also to him, i think he oesnt like the fact that him and the others worked so hard to get where they are and he doesnt really know what you went through to get there

junhoe has the personality that may seem very cold at first but he easily opens up to others and that causes them to open up to him

he knows the struggles you went through to be in ikon

you’re older than him by a few months and you treat him like your child

‘junhoe-ah! dont forget to take your makeup off!’

‘yah! clean your room! its like a pigsty!’

he gets annoyed with it but he knows you just look out for him

he calls you ‘noona’ with that cute ass smile if he wants something

how can you say no to that

yalls laughs are so loud and yall are just loud in general

one time, yall had a competition on who could sing louder and the guys almost banned you from the apartment complex

the neighbors weren’t happy

he always asks you for fashion advice even though you don’t have a good fashion taste

you have the habit of spoiling him of clothes and shoes

‘noona, you don’t need to do this. take them back’

‘wtf they’re from busan. i’m not about to take a train ride there to return those. keep them.’

his mom absolutely adores you

always tells you to look after him and junhoe blushing like a maniac

‘mom, i’m bigger than her. i think she’d need more protecting than me’

he turns red whenever you pinch his cheeks together

ngl, he had a crush on you but it faded away when he saw another member having a crush on you too

hes scared of him so hed rather back off

but you love him a lot and comfort him bc hes a little baby that really needs to be looked after

Chanwoo:

fuck, so cute

at first, chanwoo ignored you and made sure you were uncomfortable

even going as far as to disrespecting you

like being rude and being un-chanwoo

lets just say yunhyeong beat it out of him

as the youngest member, you baby him the most

‘oh, my little baby!’

initially, he was uncomfortable with it

but now, he lives for it

pouts when you give another member too much attention

teases you about your short height all the time

helps you grocery shop mainly for him to carry the bags

‘dont worry, noona. im strong’

you find out that chanwoo actually joined the group last and had a hard time fitting in

you used this to your advantage to get closer to him with your similar situations

‘you know, being in an unfamiliar environment is hard. but having someone who understands your feelings makes it easier’

and he just looks up to you with those big brown eyes and you just melt

gamer buddies

love to go to pc cafes even though yall have your own respective computers at home

only goes for the food

always calls him when you’re stuck in one level

*cute Hanbin’s voice*

‘CHANWOO-YAH!!!! JUNG CHANWOO!!!’

even though he might act like a bitch sometimes, hes actually so soft and cute

hes your little baby and will always be your little baby even though yall are like 80

115 notes · View notes

lookwhatilost · 5 years

Text

i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin.

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

#blog #literally do not feel obligated to read this. It is very VERY long #like my complete stream of consciousness from the past day #the stupid piece of shit bojack episode super extended directors cut #an essay in which i talk abt literally everything thats eating me and provide no solutions #the most disgustingly honest ive ever been on main #god's in his heaven

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banditthewriter · 6 years

Text

Be Yours - Billy Russo

Prompt: Hey, love! Can I request for an imagine for Billy where he is secretly dating reader (for safety purposes) and she's jealous/annoyed(?) at Madani because Madani still tries to get Billy come back to her (their thing is long already over). Actually just fluff lol Thanks a lot and keep writing! PS: I really admire your works! <3 Prompter: @madamzeyl

Here you go darling! Little tension before the fluff, but it’s definitely there!

Tags are at the bottom. Let me know if you would like to be added to one of my tag lists!

*gif not mine*

Enjoy!

***** Dinner was getting cold. You tapped your fingers on the table and drained the last of your wine before you walked over to where you had left of your phone. There wasn't a new text or any missed calls. You tapped your phone to your chin a few times before you sighed and went into your contacts. The phone rang a few times before a familiar voice met your ears. "He late again?" With a huff, you plopped down on the soft couch and pulled your legs up close to your body. "Tell me I'm crazy Karen," you said as you leaned your head onto your arm. "Tell me that I have no reason to think that Billy is doing something with that Homeland agent." There was a longer silence than you would have preferred and then Karen was sighing. "I don't think Billy would cheat," she offered, which wasn't exactly the resounding no you had been hoping for. As if she could sense your disappointment, she hurried to continue. "You and Billy have been together for a while, right? You love each other." "You know how it was," you said quietly, unable to keep the quiver out of your voice, "you know that we've kept it a secret because of everything that happened. You and Frank are the only ones that know and that's because you walked in on us. We've never even gone out on a date; all of our dates take place here." Your apartment. He had told you that his apartment was off limits in case it was being watched. He always had an excuse or reason for what he did. It used to make you smile. It used to mean that he was being careful and wanted to keep you safe. Now you couldn't help but wonder if maybe he just liked having you in a safe place for when he was bored with playing the field. That wasn't fair. You loved Billy and he loved you. You were just worried and insecure. After a little longer on the phone with Karen, you finally hung up and set about putting dinner up. You made him a plate and wrapped it up, placing it on the top shelf in the fridge. With nothing better to do, you took a quick shower and crawled into bed. Sometime later, as you drifted in and our of sleep, you felt a hand grip your waist. You blinked your eyes open and saw Billy smiling down at you as he he pulled the blankets back. "Sorry I'm late," he said as he dropped the covers around both of you. He pulled you close, nuzzling against your neck with a sigh. "Working with Homeland to fish out any other threats in the CIA is taking more out of me than I had thought it would." You raised one hand to run through his hair, tugging on the locks lightly before you gave him a sad smile. "I expected you to take a shower first." "Do I smell?" He said it with a laugh but when you didn't answer, he narrowed his eyes and sat up a bit. "Why did you expect me to shower?" You started to roll over but his grip on your hip kept you still. With a sigh you met his eyes once more. "You know that Madani wants you, right? That hasn't escaped your notice." Billy sighed and sat up, running his hand through his hair. He looked over at you and then shook his head as he let out a humorless laugh. "I've told you time and time again that there's nothing between Madani and I. That shit was ages ago. You and I had broken up and it was just to pass the time." "It doesn't mean she doesn't want you," you said as you sat up as well. He tilted his head as he looked at you and you have him a soft shrug. "I can't even blame her for it. We weren't together for a few months and I regretted letting you go every day." "Hey," he whispered as he moved closer to you. He grasped your face and forced you to look at him. "What happened before doesn't matter anymore. I'm with you; you're the only one that I want. If she's interested, that's her own problem." You nodded but must not have looked completely convinced because he pulled you into a hard kiss. "What do you want? You want me to stop working with her? I'll tell them in the morning. What can I do to show you that I'm yours?" You returned the kiss because you'd never been good at not kissing Billy. He laid you down, hovering over you for a moment before he curled himself around you. His body on yours was so familiar that your body immediately started to relax. "How long am I going to be kept to the shadows Billy?" He gave you a look that you were very familiar with; it was a look that said that you knew exactly why he was doing something. You wrapped an arm around his neck and pressed your face into his chest. "Rawlins is gone. The threat is gone. We've been safe for weeks but you don't seem inclined to show the world that I'm yours." Billy leaned in and gave you a soft kiss, his lips barely brushing yours before he settled down beside you. You sighed, realizing you weren't getting an answer tonight. "I love you," you whispered against his skin before you rolled over, pulling his arm until he was spooning you. You felt him press a kiss against your shoulder before he said the words back.

And slowly, somehow, you fell into a fitful sleep. ------ You and Karen were laughing at a story that Frank was telling. The restaurant was pretty packed but the three of you were in no way the loudest in there. There was a table not too far away of strict looking men in suits that kept casting glances at your table but you were sure it was just because of the laughter the three of you were letting out. "And then Bill comes out of the tent wearing just his boots and that damn bandana," Frank said was a gesture, you and Karen snorting with laughter, "and he..." Frank trailed off and you were wiping tears out of your eyes as you watched both him and Karen glance at each other, looking over your shoulder. You followed their gaze and felt your heart start to thud painfully in your chest. Billy was walking next to a shorter woman. She was dressed professionally but the way she touched his arm made you think that this wasn't exactly a business lunch. The two of them hadn't noticed you three yet. You knew that Madani had met both Karen and Frank, but you'd never had the pleasure. You did have to admit that she was beautiful. And she looked good next to Billy. Karen reached out and touched your hand as if she heard your thoughts. Frank was shaking his head, incapable of keeping his eyes off of the two of them as they made their way further into the restaurant. "Do you wanna leave?" You were frozen, trying to decide, when the two of them stopped at the table with the strict looking men. Madani was trying to adjust the seating so that she would be beside Billy when she noticed the three of you. Her eyes barely skimmed over you before she locked on to Karen and Frank. "Oh," she said as she turned to look at the table curiously. She looked up at Billy and gave him a soft smile. "I'd say you had a hand in this but I set the reservation." Billy followed her gaze and looked at the table. He didn't do more than smile at Karen and Frank, but when his eyes landed on you they changed. His smile became wider, more honest. It was the smile he gave you when he saw you after a long day, the smile you got when you made his favorite food or put on one of the movies he loved to watch. It was the smile that told you that he was yours as much as you were his. "Well Madani, I think you've taken up enough of my time today," he said, voice teetering between amusement and exasperation. His eyes never left yours as he said, "I think I'd rather eat with my friends and my girl." Madani's eyes grew wide. And you had to imagine that your eyes were wide as well. Karen and Frank were grinning as Billy moved over to your booth, sliding into the seat with you. "I told you that I was yours," he whispered as he wrapped an arm around your waist. You let out a watery laugh, barely holding in your tears as you used the lapels of his suit to pull him into a kiss. Karen took great pride in telling you later that Madani had looked shocked and then ashamed of herself. She'd heard her make an excuse before she left the restaurant altogether, leaving the strict looking men looking even more put out. She would tell you that later and make you and Billy grin at each other. But for now, you were lost in the kiss and in the feeling of finally being Billy's.

Let me know if you want to be added to my Permanent Tag List @hermioneshandbag @smiley-celine @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme @sinceimetyou @starless-skyox @cafeconsoya @youveseen--thebutcher @citation-is-here @mightymelly @realduckvader @1550kilogramsofsilver @hxbbit @rockintensse @missphanosaur18 @thepuffyeyedpuff @kararanae23 @yessy2012 @okiemaybeinakinkyway @gingerstarlight @siriusement @marauderskeeper @russosprettydiamondnow @xinyourdreamsx @wickidlady @mahalobro @curlyhairedblueeyedangel @sassygirl25 @maraudereestauderelb @rainyboul @cutie-bug @random-quartz @holamor @lea----b @heyitslexy @detectivebourbon @coffeenmoscato @reneeissancewrites @presstocontinue @elisemockingbird @assbuttwithwings @sweetvengeancee @astrangeevent02

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#billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo fanfic #billy russo imagine #my writing #requests

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chronicroderick · 6 years

Text

Dallas Winston Hdcs

K so imma make these and please dont hate :) just my ideas :) love you :)

I really needed to write this. I havent been able to write in months. And i needed to get this off my chest and work through some things. So enjoy this SAD ASS PEICE OF WORK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. :)))

THIS SHIT IS SAD WHAT THE HELL I DIDN'T MEAN TO I SWEAR IM SO SORRY

Short as heCK. We're talking 5'5. Says he's 5'6.

Still really good at fighting despite the fact,,, duh

Blonde, pale, icy eyes blah blah but my GAWD this boy with a sunburn is like looking at a peice of art. You can't look away. It's a beautiful red tone even when it peels

Which is often

Causes he refuses to wear sunblock, cause he's a lil bitch

He stays over people's houses, like the Curtis's especially since Mrs.Curtis was like a second mom to him all his like, man did he adore her. or Buck's or whatever, but he HAS A HOME WHERE HE LIVES.

It's with his mother and step-father. He has two older siblings that he's never met that are his half siblings on his dad's side.

His older sister is a stripper in Vegas and his older brother is a Navy Seal.

Dal can't remember their names most of the time cause he never talks about them. So he says what sounds right at the moment.

His dad is in prison. Has been since the week after Dallas was concieved. His parents knew it was coming because Dal's dad turned himself in the day after conceiving.

His dad had shot two men after getting jumped by a group of five. His dad had decided not to kill the others and got away with Dal's uncle, who later snitched on Dallas's dad.

This had happened at a strip club

That broke Dal's mom's heart even more

It didn't bother Dallas for a long time. He even made jokes about it.

When it first started to hurt he said his dad was "on a long buissness trip". That was 5th grade. Kids his age and some older kids made fun of Dal's situation.

A kids made fun of Dal from Kindergarten to 5th grade.

They took his most prized belongings, blackmailed him, stole from him, excluded him, locked him in rooms alone, said they were going to kill his pets, called him useless, crybaby, and over all made him feel helpless.

They only stopped when Dallas got violent and loud and physically fought back. So that's what he kept doing.

Which was sad, because Dal was a sweet kid inside and out.

It got worse 6th through 9th grade. He was meaner, but a lot of new kids meant a lot of new assholes.

People made up rumors that Dal was gay.

Think up all the worst things you could call someone pertaining to them being gay, and Dallas has heard it.

He was emo in 7th grade (fight me)

That's when he started to get hard and tough and hate the world and himself.

Started smoking cigarettes 8th grade year at 14. Started popping pain pills once a day, one day a month August of 8th grade. Had his first and only pot brownie 8th grade summer.

Didn't stop popping pills or hating himself until November of 9th grade year. He decided drugs were pathetic. Hating himself was pathetic. So he stopped altogether.

Is ashamed of how long he took pills and thinks the time line may be shorter than that but it's fine.

Fell in love in 7th grade. She moved. He doesn't know if she really ever loved him. He knows she didn't. It wrecked him when she left.

He knows all kids go through drug use/emo/angsty phase like he did so he's not too hard on himself about that.

Fell in love in 9th grade again. He thinks. He doesn't really know if he can love. Didn't believe in it for a long time, but now he feels like maybe he doesn't understand how to romatically love someone.

She helped him realize that the the angsty thing needed to stop, without her even realizing it. Cause he felt like he needed to take care of her.

She broke his heart when he gave it to her, which took a shit ton of coaxing from his friends.

She broke it cause she was scared of him, intimidated and scared.

Hadn't cried in a long time. Cried over her.

Had many friends with benefits starting from 7th grade. Pulled all the hot girls, but they made him swear to tell no one.

He always tells his friends

He always ends it cause he loses interest or feels they are too needy.

Had his first kiss in 2nd grade. His second in 9th grade with a girl he had hung out with for two hours. Made out with her heavily within the next hour.

Broke up with her two days later

Met Sylvia his sophmore year. Dated her on and off until he broke up with her like in the book.

Moved to New York in end of 5th grade and moved back to Tulsa beginning of 9th grade. Moved cause his mom got married. And then moved again cause she got divorced and remarried to his now step-dad.

His father being in jail didn't hurt again until the summer of 9th grade. He just wanted his dad to be proud of him.

HAS MET HIS DAD AND VISTED HIM AND WROTE TO HIM AND TALKED TO HIM ON THE PHONE SINCE HE WAS LITTLE

9th grade summer though was the most character development and emotional development for Dallas EVER.

Talked to his dad a lot and saw him on father's day that year

Found out his dad is real proud of him and thinks he's an amazing kid, and is glad Dallas is his own person.

Dallas just has to remember that sometimes

He still doesnt like his dad, because his dad is an asshole and he hates that his dad is in prison, but he doesn't care if he gets out either

Overall though, Dallas feels he has a lot to be happy for. Despite the mean people in his life he had a lot of close friends too. He just has to remind himself of all this sad twisted shit in his life or he feels invalidated, like he's a poser and has no reason to be a hoodlum. Not that he needs a reason, but ya know what i mean. Because his mother loves him. His step-dad loves him in a way. He loves himself. He loves life. He loves his bestfriends. He loves Johnny. He loves girls. He loves the color of the sky. He loves purple flowers. He loves dinosaurs. He loves Elvis. He loves swimming. He loves music. He loves fights. He loves the sunrise. And he loves life itself. He just doesn't talk about it all that much, but, no one really asks him, now do they?

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gr4ntair3 · 6 years

Note

125: "Quit moving, I’m trying to sleep. Wait…are you…what?!” Please

IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG KWJDHJKDHFSF IM USELESS WHEN I HAVE UNIVERSITY WORK TO DO, again, this is ExR because I’m incapable of writing anyone else without accidentally writing about them anyway.

______________________________________

For the third time in thirty minutes, Enjolras felt an elbowdig into the small of his back. The mattress had been constantly shifting formost of the night, as Grantaire tossed and turned trying to make himselfcomfortable. What had started as sympathy for the other man’s sleepingdifficulties had very quickly dissolved into pure fury – did he not understand Enjolras had things to do in the morning?!

“Grantaire, quit moving, I’m trying to sleep!” He snapped.It was filled with more contempt than intended and he winced at himself,hearing Grantaire gasp as the words fell out of his mouth.

“I… didn’t know you were awake,” wait, Enjolras’ brain worked furiously, why does his voice sound so raw? It took a moment for his sleepdeprivation to catch up and he felt guilt twist around his stomach at therealisation. Grantaire was crying. Enjolras noted now the way the mattressshuddered slightly every time Grantaire moved, as if he was shaking.

“Wait… are you… what?!” He wrapped an arm around Grantaire’sstomach to coax him to turn over and face him. There was a moment ofhesitation, and Enjolras’ chest tightened at the sight of his friend when hesaw him.

4:58AM didn’t suit Grantaire at all. Dark circles cloudedhis eyes and his cheeks were stained pink and purple – from trying to hide this from me,the thought was like a pinprick, jolting Enjolras into action.

“Hey, c’mon Taire, what’s up? I know you didn’t want toshare a bed with me, but I didn’t think our friendship had devolved so much youcan’t even bear to be next to me? Is this because of what I said in the meetingearlier?” Enjolras had perhaps been a little too harsh. Grantaire had trippedover the doorway into the Musain, the stench of whiskey and cigarettesbillowing in after him, and announced he’d been kicked out of his flat.

This was a surprise to exactly nobody – Grantaire spent allof his money on whiskey and wine and Pall Mall Superking Green’s (“A packet of 20 cigs for 7 euros is the bestI can hope for these days boys”) and his landlord had come to expectpayments two, even three months late (payments that were usually borrowed fromBahorel or Joly). Apparently four months was a step too far, and the landlord hadbeen waiting that evening when Grantaire returned from work, having alreadylined up another tenant, with a notice saying Grantaire’s contract wasterminated effective immediately. So instead of making any attempt to resolvethis situation (that would be far toomuch to ask) Grantaire had made his way to the closest bar and bought twobottles of top shelf whiskey with the rent money he had been about to give hislandlord.

Grantaire had been inundated with offers to stay with peopleupon announcing his new state of homelessness – Eponine had offered her sofa, Bossuetand Joly had offered their spare bedroom, even Bahorel had offered his bathtub(“Well it’s better than the street!”)but the whole room had been stunned into silence when Enjolras had piped up.

“I’m the closest to here, stay with me tonight Grantaire,then we can take you to get some new accommodation sorted tomorrow – I’ll makesure you don’t sign up for anything that’ll give you a disease like that lastplace,” Grantaire had guffawed at this. Everyone else looked like they wantedto follow suit but were slightly more concerned about the way Enjolras wouldreact than the drunken man. “What’s so funny Grantaire, sharing is caring?”

“Why would you offer your home to me? I’ve had offers fromthe others, let’s not pretend to like each other simply because I’ve outdonemyself in the fuck up department Enjolras,” there was no hint of a joke inGrantaire’s voice, he stated this as a matter of fact. It riled Enjolras morethat Grantaire seriously thought he wouldn’t help him than the fact that he’dgotten himself in this situation, and he told him so.

“You are incapable of living, you act like a child. I don’ttrust that you’ll do yourself any favours this evening without someone watchingover you that ISN’T Eponine, Bossuet or Bahorel,” he turned to his friends ashe said this, “I mean no offence to you all, but you know how easily you canall be convinced by him that drinking yourselves into stupidity is the bestoption.” It was true. Of all the people that could have offered, the three thathad were the worst offenders when it came to encouraging Grantaire’s drinkinghabits. He would never find somewhere else to live given somewhere to stay withthem. He wheeled back around to Grantaire, brow furrowed. “You need to staywith me because I won’t let your dumb ass drink yourself into oblivion tonight,I won’t let you get away with putting this off for weeks because I do not wantto share a bed with you for that long, and I will march you around everyletting agent in the city tomorrow and pay your damn deposit on a place thatyou will not fuck up because you will OWE ME.” He spat the last two words witha little more venom than intended and watched Grantaire pale.

“…Sharing a bed with me? Wh-why would we be doing that? I-I’llsleep on the couch,” Grantaire stuttered his way through the sentence, and ared flush was rising against the white of his cheek.

“I live in a studio apartment Grantaire, my bed is my couch,does anybody else have anything to say on the matter or are we all in agreement?”Enjolras dared them all to question him with a slow spin, looking at each ofthem in turn. Nobody did. “Good, then let’s begin the meeting.”

The meeting was less than successful. Enjolras had put everyoneon edge with his cutting words about Grantaire and nobody wanted to be the oneto push the button that caused full-blown volcanic eruption. Enjolras adjournedthe meeting and waved them away with a sigh, collecting his papers and damninghimself for his temper when he noticed Grantaire hadn’t moved, his head on thetable.

“Can you help me gather these papers?” He asked, Grantairestill didn’t move. He balled up a blank sheet of paper and bounced it at theother man’s head. He shuffled, but again, made no effort to move. He’s fucking asleep, Enjolras realised,feeling fury course through him. “GRANTAIRE!” He yelled, forcing all of hisfury into the name and hoping it would make Grantaire more alert. Grantairelifted his head, noticed his friends were gone and stood up slowly.

“Are we going then?” He smiled lazily, completely ignoringthe shorter man who’s blonde curls were almost static with electric anger.

“Pick these papers up for me, please, then we’re going,” thatwas all he said for the rest of the evening, save hissing in Grantaire’sdirection every time he complained he couldn’t find a drop of alcohol anywherein Enjolras’ tiny flat. He fished a Harry Potter movie out of the cupboard andput it on to entertain Grantaire whist he settled under the covers and sleeptook over. He managed an hour of sleep according to the digital clock on hiswindowsill, before Grantaire’s shuffling had roused him. It had continued likethis for four hours.

Grantaire’s face looked gaunt, none of the pink that haddanced across his cheeks at the thought of sharing a bed with Enjolras earlier.His hands were trembling and his eyes darted between them and Enjolras, as if frightenedthey would do something of their own accord if he didn’t keep looking at them.

“It’s not about what you said,” Grantaire replied, his eyesdrifting downwards. His voice was thick with something Enjolras couldn’t quitegrasp. “I need a drink.” He buried his head in his arms at that and Enjolrasunderstood. He was ashamed.

Enjolras felt his own shame flame up in his chest. He’dknown Grantaire for months, had seen him once a week plunging himself into thebottom of a bottle and heard countless stories about drunken escapades but hadnever even once considered that Grantaire did it because he needed to. He’d assumed his friend didit because it garnered attention and there was always a good story to be hadfrom it. He hoped his next action would speak, because his brain couldn’t comeup with anything to express how terrible he felt about not realising, andpulled the other man towards him, wrapping his arms around his neck and lacinga hand through the dark curls on his head. Grantaire dipped his head intoEnjolras’ neck and Enjolras felt the warmth of tears sliding down onto hisshoulder.

“I don’t do this on purpose, to rile you up, I didn’t losemy flat on purpose,” Grantaire whispered into his skin, “I need help… but I don’tknow how to get it.”

Enjolras sank back into the mattress, pulling his frienddown with him until Grantaire’s head was laid across his chest.

“I… I’m sorry Grantaire. I didn’t even consider that youwere struggling with this kind of thing. I don’t like sharing my bed at allbut, if you need to, you’re welcome to stay until we can find you a place andsomeone to talk to about this that has a lot more experience than me,” Enjolrassqueezed at Grantaire’s shoulder, “does that sound okay?”

Grantaire sat up, still shaking, and pulled himself out ofbed, shaking his head ferociously. He pulled a black hoodie on and stepped intohis jeans. Before Enjolras could process what he was doing, Grantaire was gone.

#I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS #HONESTLY #IS THIS PLATONIC????#IS IT NOT????#WHO THE FUCK KNOWS #enjolras/grantaire #enjolras x grantaire #enjoltaire #exr #grantaire is an alcoholic what a cliche #i dont even know what this is im sorry???#my-amis

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lillianwrites · 6 years

Text

Baby it's you and Me

Genre: Fluff and angst.

Words: 1,865

an/ Hi anon, i know this isnt exactly what you wirded,but i hope its still enjoyable! Sorry it took so long! I went on hiatus on the day i was gonna post it because of the drama, anywho, enjoy!

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Dan had a serious problem, the kind of problem that kept you up and night, stressing over the solution, if there even was one. He and Hades had once been a thing, the god of the underworld had been sweet and understanding. He allowed Dan to share his opinions, and Dan had quickly climbed the chain, soon becoming Hades partner in the underworld, making his own calls, and deciding the important issues of the Underworld. However, like all couples, they soon found their issues, and after a thousand years of arguing, they had decided to call it quits. Dan had decided soon after their split, to head down to earth to get away for awhile. He had spoken to Thea, and had her permission to serve the underworld from a small flat in the London city. With the say so from the goddess, he moved his belongings to the flat, and began his life on earth for a short time.

Now, going to Earth wasn’t the issue. The move had gone well, and all of his neighbors were kind people, offering to help him carry stuff up, and bringing him small gifts to make his flat seem more homely, as he had told him he moved into London for a fresh start, a new beginning. He took shape as a tall man, reaching 6’3, who had brown eyes, a round face, and curls of brown hair, which he decided to leave curly. The problem, that he had encountered on the fifteenth day of being on earth, was a tall man, only about an inch shorter than Daniel himself. He had bright blue eyes, with small pieces of yellow and green mixing around the center, near his pupils, and his hair was dark, with lighter roots, giving the impression he dyed it.

It had started when Dan had decided that he was going to head to Starbucks. He had recently fallen in love with their coffee, and he was ashamed to admit he continued to go there every morning at 11:00am, always trying something new. He usually sat and drank his coffee while writing, figuring out some of the work needed for the Underworld, writing names that were to be going, and who were to be sent to purgatory. He had been sitting down, when his name had been called. He had gotten up, heading to the counter and grabbing his caramel macchiato, and went to head back to his table, when someone had been walked straight into him, causing him to drop his (thankfully cold) drink, all over himself.

His face instantly melted into a glare, angry at how someone could possibly not see him. He was cold now, and a crowd had gathered around, all faces holding amusement, that is, until Dan looked up and began to glare at them. When everyone had turned around and continued on with their coffees and reports,Dan looked back to who had ran into, only to stop when he was met with the man spewing apologizes as soon as Dan was looking at him.

“I’m so sorry, im literally the clumsiest person ever!”

“Honestly i’m a danger to society!” “Good job Phil honestly.”

And even though his new jumper was stained, and probably ruined, he just couldn't stay mad at the pretty eyed male, whose lips were in a perfect pout, and was ducking his head in shame. “Um, its fine.” Dan said curtly, sighing, when the man ‘Phil’ he thought, flushed a bright red, seeming to try making himself smaller. “I truly am sorry, i’m just awfully clumsy.” Phil explained. Dan honestly just couldn't be rude to this man, he was far too adorable in his pokemon shirt. Something Dan had quickly became obsessed with on his third day on earth. Dan had smiled at the human. And had reassured him it was fine, and if Phil slipped in his phone number to “pay for his dry cleaning” then Daniel most definitely did not accept it and call him later, to accept that offer. A friendship grew as they continued to meet, and soon, it was no longer a friendship, but an relationship.

The biggest problem, however, came on his second year on Earth. Phil had been mentioning marriage, and Dan was so happy. The question hadn’t been asked yet, but they both knew the answer.Dan had been considering talking to Thea about how this was to work, about what happened considering Phil wasn’t immortal. He knew Phil would stay with him, become an immortal, but it was all up to Thea. He truly believed she would say yes but he had to make sure.

Dan shook his head as he walked into their flat. The warm smell of his boyfriend greeted him, and he let his thoughts slip away as he was greeted with the familiar decorations that phil had insisted were perfect them. The flat was unusually quiet, but Phil had texted him just an hour before saying he was going to be filming, so Dan wasn’t too worried. Phil made Youtube videos for a living, and while Dan didn’t understand it exactly, Phil loved it, and it paid well, so he wasn’t going to complain.

He began to head up the stairs to the office, were he assumed Phil was going to be filming. The stairs creaked as he walked upon them, and soon enough he was outside the office, however he paused when he heard two laughs. Phil had always told him about collabs before they happened, so he knew that's not what was happening, so Dan was very confused. He continued to listen for a second before sighing.

Shrugging off the noise, he knocked quickly before stepping in, not noticing what was happening for a moment, before he saw the scene before him. His boyfriend, Phil Lester, making out with some random male, not knowing the man, he definitely wasn’t one of the youtubers Phil had shown him. They were on their sofa bed, Phils hands in the guys blonde hair, and the mans hands far too close to Phils ass for him to be comfortable at the moment. Dan couldn't describe what he was feeling at the moment if someone handed him a book of words scripted perfectly for this situation. He was sad, but he could feel anger pooling on him as they continued to kiss, making disgusting sounds as they did. Sadness and anger, but there was something there he just couldn't put a finger on, perhaps because he's a god and had never felt it before. Deciding he couldn’t just watch anymore, he coughed loudly, preparing himself for what was to happen.

His boyfriends eyes flew open, blue meeting brown. He couldn’t tell if he wanted phil to think he was angry or sad, but he could tell it was seen as sad. The man's eyes confused Daniel Just as much, his eyes were widened, however not in a “oh shit” way, but a confused and even scared way. He sat and watched as emotions flew past his lovers face, before settling on fear, a frightened sounding squeak passing through ihs lips before he got up and ran to the middle of the room, looking between him and the strange man quickly. Dan didn't know what was causing him to react this way, but humans are cunning, so he began to wonder if this was just a ploy to make him forget how he was cheating on Dan.

Dan heard himself scoff before he could even think to do it logically. His eyes were not hardened, he had wanted to marry him, so why was he kissing this man. Dan was a god, not stupid, he knew this was wrong, yet he couldn't make himself believe phil would ever do that to him, it just didn't fit right. “I trusted you, i gave you everything i had, i told you the most important things about me,and you kiss some stranger?” he asks angrily, glaring at his boyfriend, or should he say ex.

Phil Looked conflicted, confused, and albeit, a bit angry himself. The stranger he had been kissing sat on the same spot as when dan had walked in, although there was now a smirk on his face, one that seemed way to familiar to be comfortable.”Dan-” PHil started, causing them both to look over at him. “You know i would never, look i know this sounds crazy, but, he was…..you? He had walked in, he looked exactly like you. He thanked me for the food i told you i brought home from mcdonalds, and we came up here, he said you wanted to do the video, Dan it sounds crazy, but he was you.” Phil said

Dan scoffed “You expect me to believe that Phil, seriously!” he shouted. He then stopped, his face paling before turning a nasty shade of red, his neck blotching as he realizes exactly what was happening here. He turned slowly, glaring at the stranger. “You! You seriously tried to break us up! Thats ridiculous! We've been over for 3 years now hades, you need to go, leave me and my boyfriend alone, i never want to hear from you again. Im dealing with my side, so leave me alone, leave! And don't come back, ever! Im serious hades. I’m done with this, dont make me go to Thea about this.”

The male glared over at Dan, before sighing. “I miss you Daniel, but you're clearly happy here. i'll leave you alone, but don't expect me to be happy about it.” the male said dramatically, before snapping his fingers, a cloud of black smoke appearing, clearing when he was gone. “Drama queen.” Dan murmured.

`````````

“Phil look,” he said sighing “first of all, i'm sorry for waiting to tell you, but i-”

“A God from the underworld? Yeah i know.” Phil said cutting him off, not sounding angry or surprised in the slightest. Dans eyebrows furrowed, not expecting such a calm and nonchalant claim after saying something so wild and big. “How did you find out?” He asked confused, wondering how long Phil had known. “Oh, for at least a year. I figured you were waiting for the right time, you leave your notes out all the time, and then you said hades and it kind of clicked.” PHil explained. Dan just nodded slowly, having dealt with far too much today.

“Let's go lay down.”he said, sighing as they went to go cuddle. No more secrets.

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“Dan! Your ex took our toaster again!” he heard phil yell from the kitchen. Dan smiled. After everything had happened, Dan finally asked PHil to marry him, and a year later they were husbands. Hades stills showed up, but all was friendly as he had found a god and they had begun to get serious.

“Phil, I've told you time and time again, if you say you really like i-”

“He's going to take it, i know, i know. I expect it back by nine, i need some waffles” Phil said cutting him off.

Dan smiled at his husband, he was exactly where he wanted to be in life.

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Finished.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #phanfic au #gods #greek gods #phan au #phan angst #phan fluff #phan humor #prompt #lilysfics

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riskeith · 3 years

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you just responded and i nyoomed to answer. yes my days consist of waiting for you. yes i’m not ashamed to admit it. <3

that makes so much sense actually? like A Lot of sense. i don’t think you should feel bad about that at all i mean if you are comfortable with how you perceive them then by all means! haha! what’s fun about fanfics is that people can take one character and shape them in so many different ways. canon doesn’t anyways give us depth to characters yet writers do which 🙏🏽 godsent. but then again, it can feel weird if someone makes them behave like ~someone~ else haha. i remember it used to be a hot topic in voltron actually, where people would portray lance as a weak and emotional guy only even if he’s arguably the bravest and most bamf... people didn’t like that very much. do you know what i’m talking about?

I’M SO EXCITED TO READ ALL OF THESE. thank you so much you just set my late night weekend plans 😏. and oh god esselle is the ao3 writer. i love their bnha fics so much. can’t wait to read their haikyuu stuff as well. kagehina too... 🥺 dude, i saw some oikage things last night and i have my eyes open.. 👁 i know you like them a lot so hm... i’ll definitely read that as well i love the summary already.

he’s puppy-like so would he like to play in the water? i want to say so, just bc i think it would be cute for him to splash around 🥺

just one?? wow now i get what you meant in your earlier messages, shskdhsk. all my current friends i’ve known since we were children, i don’t even know how to make new friends irl tbh.... AND SAME!!!! CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO LOVERS GO BRR. and god the best thing is how things change but at the same time they don’t? like they start to notice little things and realize they’ve always liked them? or the ‘i thought best friends felt like this towards each other’.... aaaaaaaah. 🥺 but then again enemies to lovers.. the tension and the yearning? the moment everything just snaps? god i couldn’t pick my favorite i don’t think. i just love those two so much equally hahah.

if it’s cyberpunk vibes i will combust. i love those aesthetics so much.. (waiting for ps5 to restock so i can run around in night city in cyberpunk 2077 forever.) but yeah it makes sense for it to be themed like that but it’s so funny to think about transporting from the whispering woods to like... large billboards and grungy streets. AR 35?? oh that’s must earlier than i expected. so i take it the main story isn’t done yet?

how sexy, even though this blog is just our messenger app at this point snskdhkddhj.. once again, i’m sorry riskeith stans.. 🙏🏽

i wish i could get you all the cotton candy in the world. and wow kenma HAIR!! sounds so cute but wait oh my god,,, do you have short hair,....... 😳💗💓💕👁💘💝💓😭💗👀💖💓💘💝💞 do you? 😳💢 how was it shaving everything? must’ve been such a big decision!! 😳

ikr? like most of the fics i’ve read portrays them as a angst ship which i do love a lot but you’re right it’s funny bc in canon they’re just.. supportive idiots. i think it’s the oikawa fangirls thing and iwa being annoyed by it that people get hooked on. at least i think since it’s almost always there in the fics... :+ DO YOU LIKE IT? i’m so obsessed with it i saw a edit on ig with klance and that song earlier and it fits them so well too... 🥺 anyway back to iwaoi, i think i like writing from iwa’s pov actually? i haven’t tried writing much from oikawa’s yet but idk.,, iwa’s personality just speaks to me. also i like that oikawa’s personality is so complex to understand, it’s easier to spice up the angst that way. (I DON’T 🥺 it’s such a sad topic for me bc it’s my ultimate dream to drive but it costs soo much money to get it here and i’ve been too busy to invest... 😭 wbu?????) I KNOW MEMO AND OH MY GODNESS? i’m sure the fic is sooo good oh god.... the vibes. 😭 please tell me what it’s about. please. 🙇🏽‍♀️

OH it means that i’m just gonna reread your fics until you post something new... here i thought i was being clever and cute shshskdhdks

STOP YOU KEEP MAKING ME SO EXCITED aaaa ma’am please... think about my heart. 🥺

here’s a new topic to discuss; are you a coffee or tea person? (or neither.. please don’t say so)

kiss, m.a. 💘

i keep forgetting to check whether you’ve responded or not before shutting down my laptop and i’m left to answer on my phone 😭😭 and i too spend my days awaiting your responses <333 but i always forget to check after a period of time HFJSKFKSKCKNC i swear i’m checking like once every 5 min but the moment i forget you respond NCKSNDN

bro (do you mind being called stuff like that lol) writers give us everything canon is too cowardly to give.… truly blessed 🙏🙏 yeah i do!! there are a lot of complaints about mischaracterisation in hq fandom too actually… which i think is fair enough but at the end of the day just let these people have their fun you know.. it’s not harming anyone and if you don’t like it just don’t read! lol

i haven’t read much of esselle’s bnha actually (aside from tdbk) but i just know they’re absolutely amazing!!!!!! absolute legend i hope (i know you will tho hehe) you enjoy her kagehina toooo. and yes oikage!!!!!! omg pls 😭😭😭 i wish they were more popular aaaa

🥺🥺🥺 razor in one of those baby pools.. RAZOR WITH POOL FLOATIES!!! my goodness 😭😭😭😭

fjksnxksndm yeah but i think i might be an outlier in that… LOL oops. and you’re so right like they just grew up together and like grew in love it’s so natural and just comes to them like they were always supposed to be together and they are <333 bc soulmates <33333 BUT YEAHHH THE MOMENT EVERYTHING SNAPS YOU KNOW IT!!!!! god when person A SAVES person B even tho they’ve “hated” them the entire time...… but when they were faced with a tough circumstance they realised they couldn’t bear the thought of being without them 😩😩👌👌👌👌👌👌

omg ps5.… ngl i considered buying a ps console so i could play the last of us 2 chxjjskskxjxjs. have you seen all the cyberpunk memes tho? lolol. nah main story isn’t done!! i think the main story is supposed to develop all 7 worlds until we find our sibling so like.… it ain’t gonna be over for a LONGGGG time (lol omg could you imagine if mih*y* pulled a me and like 4 worlds in was just ‘ok soz i’m uninterested now you can imagine how the game would’ve gone’ HFJSJFKSKFKDJ)

HAHAHAHHA it legitimately is. riskeith who??? more like marriage anon stan account. fjdkfnnd anyways to my other followers hope y’all are enjoying the show 🤪

i do have short hair rn!!! lowkey a bowl cut but i’m also trynna grow out a mullet djksndksnd. and having a shaved head was so nice.. i literally just couldn��t stop touching it after cjskckksnfks. and it wasn’t that big of a decision to me tbh i’m not that fussed about my hair like i know some other people are djskkd the biggest obstacle was getting my parents to agree 💀💀💀 (much like i am trying now..…) i used to have my hair long for ballet, but once i quit i just kept getting it cut shorter and shorter and then voila! shave. GJDJKSKDND

true.. jealous iwa.. i have that in one of my wips i believe FJSJJCKSKDK (it might even be in the memo fic?) AND UHHHH i didn’t love the song ;–; it’s just… slow HFKALDLAKDK and not the mood i was in when i heard it cjdkslxllskcjskcnkscnkzmxmcm omg no not klance 😭😭 they have a lot of angst too.. (i say, as if there isn’t a single klance fic of mine that doesn’t have angst JFJDJSKDJ) OMG YOU LIKE WRITING IWA POV TOO???? you 🤝 me iwa kin. i joke that it’s because i, much like him, am very much in love with oikawa. (aw no i’m so sorry for bringing it up 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 but i’m on my learner’s rn!) IVE POSTED THE OUTLINE ONCE (not a good sign… LMAO) https://kaheyama.tumblr.com/post/190015338287/yall-want-some-iwaoi-angst THERE!! also wait i just realised it has manga spoilers.… maybe don’t look fjdknfjd (you could stop after “pining iwaizumi hajime” but i don’t want to accidentally spoil you 😭😭)

JFKSKSLAKFKSKCJLSKD IM so sorry it WAS clever and cute my brain was just not big enough at the moment to understand 😭😭😭😭😭 but thank u as always i appreciate 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 so honoured you would even think about going back to them lord knows i don’t KFKSJSKA

HEHEHE NO MERCY!!! but ok ok i shall lay low until the day comes 😋😋😋

tea!! simply bc i can’t sleep if i drink coffee fjskfjsj. but that’s been happening with tea too so i haven’t even had tea recently 😭😭😭😭😭 flavour wise i think i like coffee more but also you get so much more variety with tea? hm. HAHA. hbu??

hugssss, c.r. 💝

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

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rinnnyxr · 3 years

Text

I Am I am a university student. I am a cuddler. I am an okay dancer. I am a huge fan of lists. I am a morning person. I am a perfectionist. I am a republican. I am allergic to something deadly. I am an only child. I am catholic. I am content as of this moment. I am currently in my pajamas. I am currently pregnant.

I am currently single. I am embarrassed to be seen with my mother or father. I am currently suffering from a breaking heart. I am okay at styling other people’s hair. I am left-handed. I am married. I am obsessed with my Tumblr. I am online 24/7, even as an away message. I am procrastinating by filling out this list. I am resentful that I have to grow up. I am very shy around the opposite sex. I am, or was, pigeon-toed. I bite my nails. I can be paranoid at times. I carry a weapon with me everywhere I go. I collect picture frames. I currently have a crush on someone. I consider myself to be a ‘nerd’. I currently regret something that I have done/am doing. I curse frequently. I don’t hate anyone. I enjoy country music. I enjoy jazz music. I enjoy smoothies. I enjoy talking on the phone. I have a car. I have a mobile phone. I have a hard time paying attention at school. I have a hidden talent. I have a hobby. I have a lot to learn. I have a pet. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy. I have all my (real) grandparents, none of them have died. I have at least one brother and/or sister. I have avoided work to play with my Tumblr. I have been in a real relationship. I have been in a threesome. I have been rejected by someone. I have been the “psycho ex” in a past relationship. I have been to another country. I have been to an anime convention. I have been to Europe. I have been to Las Vegas. I have been told that I am very smart. I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor. I have broken a bone. I have caller i.d. on my phone. I have changed a diaper. I have changed a lot over the past year. I have cheated on a significant other. I have counted down the days until the summer. I have dated a best friend’s ex. I have done something illegal. I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. I have gone scuba diving/snorkeling. I have had major/minor surgery. I have had my hair cut within the last week. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with. I have had the cops called on me. I have snogged someone I knew I shouldn’t. I have snogged someone of the same sex. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past. I have mood swings. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months. I have rejected someone before. I have seen the lord of the rings trilogy. I have seen the television show the o.c. I have swum in the ocean. I have tried a drug that is illegal. I have tried sushi. I have watched sex and the city. I have watched the television show SpongeBob SquarePants. I know how to shoot a gun. I like being the center of attention. I like eating ramen noodles. I like my handwriting. I like Shakespeare. I like the taste of blood. I like to cook. I like to sing. I like to vacuum. I love learning foreign languages. I love Michael Jackson. I love my friends. I love olives. I love rain. I love sleeping. I love to play computer games. I love to shop. I miss someone right now. I own 100 CDs or more. I own a home. I own and use a library card. I play a musical instrument. I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream. I read books for pleasure. I shave my legs. I sleep a lot during the day. I strongly dislike math. I think Britney Spears is pretty. I think long strings of Html code look cool. I think that pizza hut makes the best pizza. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often. I was born in a country other than the USA. I watch more tv this year than last year. I watch soap operas on a regular basis. I wear contact lenses. I will try anything once. I work at a job that I enjoy. I would classify myself as ghetto. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. I like orange kool-aid. I can name all 7 of the dwarfs from ‘snow white and the seven dwarfs’. I like being at school. I always love wearing sweaters. I love water polo. I am currently wearing socks. I am being nostalgic right now. I hate summer. I am tired. I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt

i have…. been drunk. smoked pot. done ecstasy. done coke. done crack. done heroin. done opium. done pcp. done LSD. done ccc’s. done prescription narcotics for recreational purposes. huffed air-duster. been to a rave. been to a real party. kissed someone. ridden in a taxi. jumped a ramp with a bike. been dumped. been used. shoplifted. ran from the cops. been in a room of your school that you could get suspended for being in been fired. been kicked out of a movie theater. snuck into a movie. been in a fistfight. got hit by a car. fired a real gun. snuck out of your parent’s house. been arrested. gone in a mosh pit. stolen something from your school. celebrated new years in times square. gone on a blind date. lied to a friend. had a crush on a teacher. celebrated mardi-gras in New Orleans. been to Europe. skipped school. thrown up from drinking. played ‘clue’ had a sleepover party. gone ice skating. cheated on a bf/gf. been cheated on. had your tonsils out. been exposed to laughing gas. had a car. driven a car. totaled a car.

do you… feel loved. feel lonely. feel happy. hate yourself. have a dog. have your own room. sing along with your music. dance around the house in your underwear. listen to Hawaiian music. listen to underground hip hop. listen to rap. listen to classic rock. listen to new rock. listen to country. listen to reggae. listen to techno. listen to hardcore punk. listen to pop. listen to r&b. listen to jazz. listen to crooners. listen to bands that can’t be put into a category. have hobbies. skateboard. do aggressive inline. snowboard. ski. surf. skimboard. have more than 1 best friend. get good grades. play an instrument. have slippers wear boxers wear black eyeliner. like the color blue. like the color pink. like the color red like the color green like the color black like the color purple like neon colors like to read. like to write. have long hair. have short hair. have a laptop. have a pager.

are you… bored. happy. bilingual. Hawaiian. blonde a brunette a redhead a darkhead samoan. filipino. Korean. British. white. italian black. inuit mexican. Asian. a christian a muslim a jew a hindu a scientologist an atheist satanist short. tall just right realistic an emo kid sick mad lazy. talking to someone. iming someone. scared to die. buzzed high caffeinated sleepy. annoyed. hungry. thirsty. on the phone. in your room. drinking something. eating something. ticklish. listening to music a virgin.

I have brown hair. I have green eyes. I wear glasses. I used to have braces. I have very few friends, if you could call them that. They might even just be acquaintances. I like cats and dogs equally. Summer is my favorite season. I am Catholic. I’m 5′0″ or shorter. I’m 120 lbs or less. I have a large family. My birthday is in November. I’m a Sagittarius. I live in a house. I am a cis-female. I am pansexual. I lack self-esteem and self-confidence. I went to college after high school. I don’t have a bad temper. I don’t get jealous easily. I have a sarcastic, dark, inappropriate sense of humor. I like watching movies. My native language is English. I don’t get offended or angry easily. I am a teacher. My first name begins with A through E. My parents are still married. I have a younger brother. I have had mononucleosis. I have had chicken pox. I have had Fifth’s Disease. I’ve had bronchitis. I’ve had food poisoning more than once. I’ve had the flu AND the stomach flu. I still have stuffed animals. My favorite animal is a giraffe. I’m afraid of heights, spiders, needles, and people I love dying.

PREP I am a cheerleader I'm popular I say like alot I love the color pink I own/want little dogs I am snobby I go to an girls school I own a Designer bag I'm rich I wear fast fashion Total: 5

JOCK I play 2 or more school sports I wear sweats to school regularly I’m picking my college based on athletics rather than education My hair is always in a ponytail I play a summer sport I have a favorite team for every sport I have been injured while playing a sport I’m the captain of a team I play on I have been in the paper for athletic excellence before The only reason I care about grades is so I can play on the team Total:1

EMO I have dyed black hair I cry all the time Boys kissing boys is hot I have straight hair that I tease at the roots I am popular on the internet, but not really in real life My hair is in my face because I put it there I cut or have cut before I wear tons of eyeliner My MySpace name is 'Christina [Chronic]’ or something like that I am a HUGE music snob Total: .2

GOTHIC I wear all black I worship Satan I listen to metal I do a lot of drugs

I don’t smile I hate sunshine I’m as pale as a ghost I have worn black lipstick before All preps should die Death is all I think and talk about Total: 2

NERD I get/got straight A’s I am/was teacher’s pet I’m not very popular I snort when I laugh I wear thick glasses I’ve never had a boyfriend or girlfriend If I get a B, I’ll just die My life is school, and that’s where it ends My main goal in life is to win an award such as the Nobel Prize I love school and get sad when summer break gets here Total: 2

DRUGGIE Name a drug, and I’ve either done it or want to do it Life is better high I don’t care about my grades Pot doesn’t even affect me anymore Hell yeah, they should legalize pot Drugs make everything funny I get high every day I’m a dealer I have stolen something to get money for drugs I own clothing with a pot leaf on it Total: 0

SLUT I have had more than 5 sexual partners Girl, guy, doesn’t matter, as long as they’re pleasing me I don’t need to have a boyfriend to have sex I have had a one night stand I talk openly about sex I have a favorite position I own sex toys I’ll get naked with anyone who asks I’ve gotten naked on a webcam/sent naked pics to someone before I lost my virginity before I was in high school Total: 7

TEASE I’m a virgin, but people think I’m a slut I wear low cut shirts on purpose I flirt with anyone I kiss boys a lot, then stop when things start to heat up I have worn a thong with a miniskirt I have flashed someone I have made out with a girl, but I’m not a lesbian/bisexual I let people think I’m more experienced than I am I have been called a tease by more than 2 people I’ve lied about sexual experiences Total: 4

GIRLY GIRL I have been in love Makeup is an art Vintage is love Romance movies are the best I’m really emotional I have a soft spot for animals I always smell good I prefer to be called 'pretty’ or 'beautiful’ rather than 'hot’ or 'sexy’ I can’t wait to grow up and start a family Total: 4

ECLECTIC People think I’m weird, just because I’m not boring I have a different sense of style that is honestly completely my own I mix patterns that most people would say didn’t match I wear lots of different jewelry at once I shop at stores most people haven’t heard of, or don’t shop at I own outfits from a thrift store I have worn something of my grandmother’s I hate to look like everyone else No one has heard of the music I listen to It’s hard to copy my style, not that most people would want to Total: 1

TREND FOLLOWER I have worn Uggs sometime in the last 6 months I wear leggings under my skirt/dress I follow the latest trend My taste is whatever is popular I have tried to look like a certain celebrity I will wear what is popular, even if I don’t really like it I had a rubber wristband to match every outfit (such as a yellow LiveStrong band) I owned a poncho when they were popular I had a MySpace just because everyone else had one I am not my own person Total: 2

GANGSTER I only listen to rap I own a gun I call people 'bro’ or 'fam’ I don’t talk proper English I have a shitty car but an amazing stereo I own bling I’m really, really loud I wear oversized clothes I wear South Pole I have been involved in a drive-by Total: .2

MY STEREOTYPE IS: Slut (LOL)

You are below 5’2”.

Your best school subject is English.

You play fast-pitch softball.

You have a cat(s).

You’re the youngest of your siblings.

Your parents are separated/divorced.

You have green eyes.

You stress out over everything.

Your best friend is of the opposite gender.

Your favorite season, by far, is summer.

You have an average body type.

You love high school wrestling.

Your favorite music genre is indie.

Spiderman is the best superhero.

You like Facebook more than Tumblr.

You own an iPhone.

Your favorite color is yellow.

If you could travel anywhere, it’d be to Australia.

You have read the “Pretty Little Liars” series.

You used to be obsessed with The Sims.

Your favorite holiday is the Fourth of July.

Your birthday falls between the 1st and the 10th of the month.

You don’t like to paint your nails.

You wear contacts/glasses/both.

You NEVER use “lol” only “haha, lmao, lmfao”.

You can’t wait for school to end.

You’ve lived in the same house for 10+ years.

You have had an expander.

You live in Pennsylvania.

You only wear black socks.

You are brunette.

One of your birthmarks is on your arm.

You worry for no reason.

Haunted houses terrify you.

You trust a lot of people without thinking.

You’re in love.

You love the Pittsburgh Penguins and/or Steelers.

You are a freshman. in college

You stay up past midnight on school nights.

You usually dress like a bum for school.

You don’t like to dance that much.

You are a virgin.

Your name begins with an S.

There are 5 letters or less in your last name.

Your favorite number is between 1 and 25.

You would love Monopoly if it didn’t take so long.

You have lost a friend recently.

You were with a boy last night.

You hate winter.

You have regrets.

You don’t like basketball.

You think sharks are sweet.

There’s nowhere in the world you’d rather be than the beach.

The person you like/love is 3-5 years older than you.

You have been in a relationship for over 6 months.

You don’t like horseback riding.

Something on you is sore.

You wish you could play the piano.

You think Urijah Faber is the most gorgeous man alive.

You can’t cook.

You are broke at the moment.

You like classic rock music.

You play volleyball.

You have managed a high school sports team.

You’re a little insecure about your body.

You hate hypocrites more than anything.

All you want to do is have fun.

You love pop-tarts.

You own a pair of off-brand Uggs.

Your favorite restaurant is TGI Friday’s.

You can speak some Spanish.

You’re not a huge fan of dogs.

You normally fall for athletes.

You want a tattoo.

People make fun of your height on a regular basis.

You like tie-dye.

Your favorite card game is Rummy, Bullshit, or Spit.

You favorite movie is an action movie.

You like to scan the radio.

You don’t mind your first sunburn of the year.

You only like snuggling if you REALLY like/love the person.

You have been inspired by a motivational speaker.

You still like coloring in coloring books.

You think relationships are hard.

You own at least one thing that’s Puma.

You eat when you’re bored.

You take long naps at the worst times.

You love stand up comedy.

You drink energy drinks.

You used to watch The Powerpuff Girls or Lizzie McGuire religiously

You own a pair of nike or adidas slip ons.

You could eat pizza anytime.

You have plans tonight.

The person that you like/love has a first name beginning with M.

It is past 2pm right now.

You like Taylor Swift.

You are wearing something brown right now.

You have been to a drive in movie theater.

You are going on vacation this summer.

You have taken a picture of yourself today.

Your favorite store is PacSun.

Your most recent ex’s name begins with a J.

Your know somebody with the same middle name as you.

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