#i notice this when i talk to my therapist too like sometimes I need certain idioms and things that are... not italian

[omarfor-orchestra]

One time I was with my uni colleagues and I was talking about my sister's wedding and I said "è che per le bomboniere non vogliono fare il solito pisciaturo" and everyone started laughing then one said "tu non parli mai in dialetto ma ogni tanto fai certe uscite che fanno morire" and i haven't stopped thinking about that since then. It's been 4 years.

#It's just that i hate my milanese accent so when people tell me i am different they can feel I'm not completely from here #my heart goes 🥰🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️ #i notice this when i talk to my therapist too like sometimes I need certain idioms and things that are... not italian #i stopped saying 'furia' for 'tanto' tho. maybe i should start again just to mess with people #bc it's a ascolano thing lmao

[nuttytani]

Reacting to you playing otome games

characters: dan heng and jing yuan

tw: none except- maybe not proof read?

a/n: i guess we can officially say i'm obsessed with hsr now. my brain has been annoying me to write something for these two boys, and... i guess here we are.

Dan Heng

From all the world-saving and stellaron crisis, Dan Heng wasn’t able to spend much time with you, much to his dismay. Yes, he’d share a few text messages once in a while or even call each other, but those days were getting rarer as his work became even more serious.

On one of those rare calls, he found out that you took on a new interest. “Otome games”, or so they were called. He had little knowledge about it other than knowing that it was a type of dating simulation.

He had no issues with you and your new obsession after all, it’s just a game, and you were having fun!

Or so he thought until your love with these otome games became a little too much to the point of interfering with HIS love life. Why is his cuddle time with you being taken away by some- chunk of hot pixels? Instead of your hands wrapping around his waist, they now held your phone as you giggled at that….undeniable hot chunk of pixels. (According to you, it looked a lot like him and had a similar vibe)

You even had alarms set for your daily activities for these games, which had you scrambling for your phone; all the time. Your eyes would light up at whatever dialogues your "husbando" would say. 

Internally he would be screaming; "WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THOSE DARN 2D MEN"

Enough was enough! Dan Heng realised that at this rate, he would be ousted from being your boyfriend by a fictional character!

 Soon enough, that's how you found yourself on the floor, with Dan Heng behind you, caging you between his arms. 

Dan Heng grumbled, "It's my turn now. Pay attention to me," while avoiding direct eye contact with you.

"Oh no, have I made my boyfriend feel neglected? I'm sorry babe!" You turned to give a reassuring pat on his head, then jokingly added, "Though I suppose... You will need to learn how to share me from now on."

You receive a smack on the head at that

Jing Yuan 

Lately, he had noticed a hype around Luofu, which he soon found out, thanks to Yanqing. According to the young boy, certain “otome games” were becoming quite popular amongst the newer generation. Something about conversing with “hot 2D men with crazy backstories” made them feel “ooh la la”. Or something along those lines, Yanqing’s exact words, not his. 

“It’s actually super fun! Would you like to play as well? You get daily 5 tickets in a day, so it keeps you on your toes. And if I'm not wrong, there's even a character who resembles you, general!”

Jing Yuan declined and suggested the young lad seek someone else for his otome games, as he deemed himself too old and out of touch for such interests. He glanced up from his paperwork to find the boy giving him a disappointed look before quickly running off.

A few days after that incident, you had also fallen prey to these games, he figured as Jing Yuan listened to you talk excitedly about a "mysterious therapist with silver hair" from a newly released game, and how the character was both sweet and suspicious.

He was glad that you were enjoying yourself. Sometimes, it can be challenging to discover new interests as we grow older. At least, that was how Jing Yuan personally felt. 

As long as no harm was done, all is good!

Harm was indeed done. A lot in fact

He eventually discovered that these "ikemen" characters on your phone were taking his rightful place as your boyfriend. 

You no longer played with his hair or let him sleep on your lap… All these activities were taken away from him as if snatching candy from a baby.

It had only been a week into your... newfound obsession. You even bought a bunch of “Visual Novels” and spent many hours holed up in your room, and staying awake late into the night.

When he got concerened as asked for you to come to bed, all he'd get was: "Just five more minutes Jun-Jun! I need to complete this chapter, I swear I'll be there in five minutes, trust me."

Hmmm, nope, trust shattered and heart also shattered. Poor Jun-Jun.

It really made him feel sad, Jing Yuan’s signature :3 face soon turned :( which everyone noticed, it was hard not to. Even you thought his new behaviour to be strange and confronted him.

“My dear, I don’t mind you having hobbies, but please, give equal love and attention to your partner and not just those fictional “silver haired therapist” of yours.” Jing Yuan pleaded you with those puppy dog eyes.

“You should have said so from the beginning! I’ll tone my playing down a little. I didn’t mean to make you feel lonely…” You felt guilty and gave him a big warm hug, much to Jing Yuan’s pleasure.

“....How about a compromise?Let's both play these games together. Pretty please? At least once? You won't regret it! We can add each other as friends.”

He gave in. 

And now he’s obsessed with it.

Much more than you. 

honkai star rail taglist: none at the moment, but if you're interested, I can make one!

#hsr x reader #honkai star rail #dan heng #dan heng x reader #jing yuan #jing yuan x reader #star rail #honkai star rail x reader #dan heng x y/n #jing yuan x y/n #jing yuan x you #dan heng x you #hsr #tani writes!!

[misfithive]

What Simon can teach us about boundaries!

Been seeing a lot of Simon hate again lately (mostly on other apps but i’m sure its here too) and it's getting pretty frustrating and honestly a little bit troubling that people think so little of Simon and his needs.

Simon hate feels like some weird connection to the patriarchy/heteronormativity where some people have just decided that it is okay for one person's needs to be ignored in a relationship in order to satisfy the other. Lisa seemed to intentionally try and create a dynamic in their relationship where they see each other as equals. They may struggle to see each others perspectives at times but that is true for literally ANY RELATIONSHIP where two people come together from different walks of life. Both their needs matter and their journey in the relationship is to figure out how to honor the other persons needs while honoring themselves or see if that is even possible.

Sooo I wanted to share some lessons about boundaries that people could learn through Simon instead of talking sh!t about him !!!

1. Boundaries are about what we want and need in a relationship. Sometimes people want different things and thats ok!

People love to say that Simon forced Wilhelm to come out. I even saw someone say that Simon was asking Wilhelm to "give up his family and the throne". No where does Simon ask him to do any of those things. Notice how Simon says "I don't want to be anyones secret"? This is not just about Wille. This is a boundary that he has for himself and the types of relationships that he wants to have. Everyone is allowed to have expectations or want a certain type of relationship. Saying you don’t want to be in a secret relationship is quite a reasonable request. It is also quite reasonable to say that you don't want to be in a public relationship. Sometimes in relationships, what two people need is incompatible at the time which is why it made sense for them to end things. That is the point- for both people to say what they need to feel comfortable and sometimes other people cannot meet your needs- you have to decide if that is a dealbreaker and for Simon at the time it was.

2. Boundaries ≠ manipulation

He tells Wilhelm he take as much time as he needs but you have to do it alone. That is a boundary it is NOT manipulation. He does not try to control Wilhelm or tell Wilhelm what to do. Saying a relationship wont work for you unless certain needs are met or that you dont want to do tons of emotional labor for another person is not manipulation. He is saying I am not okay with being a secret, I am not okay with having my trust broken, i’m not okay with being in a relationship where you say one thing and do another (Wilhelm made a promise he could not keep and even he has owned up to that to Nils). Simon is not saying YOU HAVE TO COME OUT RIGHT NOW OR ELSE. He is not playing mind games or trying to get Wilhelm to change his mind in order to be with him. He is willing to walk away even tho his heart is breaking because he knows it is not possible at that point for Wille and him to get on the same page.

Boundaries have become part of social media language lately thanks to instagram therapists and the like but a lot of people have misconstrued the meaning. Some people call something a boundary when they are actually being controlling. However the purpose of a boundary is about what you yourself are comfortable with, not what other people can/cannot do. Ex: “i am okay with holding hands in public but otherwise I don’t feel comfortable with PDA” (healthy boundary). Vs “you can’t have guy friends because I get jealous” (unhealthy boundary). Boundaries are healthy and necessary for a relationship to be healthy- they are not the same as manipulation or trying to control someone else.

3. What is okay for you does not have to be okay for someone else. Everyone’s boundaries are different because we are all different people with different traumas, needs, experiences, relationships, and limits. I have seen people compare the Wilmon to Narlie where Charlie is okay with Nick wanting to keep things “secret”. Besides the fact that this is a completely different relationship and context, the fun thing about boundaries is that what is okay for you does not have to be okay for someone else! Just because you would have been willing to be Wilhelm’s secret if he asked does not mean that Simon has to. Just because Charlie was willing to to do that for Nick does not mean that Simon has to. Not to mention !!! Nick also acknowledged that is not fair to Charlie and outside of not telling people they had a very loving smooth sailing relationship - people expect Simon to be like Charlie without acknowledging that Wilhelm is not giving the level of trust and security that Nick is. If you want to go there, I'm sure if Wille was acting like Nick being consistent not saying "i'm not like that", "delete my number" etc (regardless of the reason) then maybe Simon would have been more okay with it. This is not Wille hate bc i get it, but sometimes in empathizing with Wille people forget that Simon is a whole human with wants and needs. Simon needs to protect himself and his heart. We all do. Relationships should not require you to subject yourself to pain for someone else. It is healthy to have boundaries and know your needs and what you deserve. And at that point in time Wille could not give him that. Most people watching were quite proud of Simon for that so idk how the narrative got turned to him being selfish.

4. Boundaries can change

It is normal to reassess your boundaries, that does not make them any less valid. Clearly for Simon, once Wilhelm proved his trust more and and Simon reevaluated what he wanted, he decided that he was willing to be a secret if that meant having each other. If he never decided that, it still would have been totally valid. Also noting, there was no compromise/meet in the middle there in Simon deciding that he was willing to be a secret for Wille. It's just funny that Simon is getting the flack for not wanting to "compromise" or meet in the middle when in the end, Simon was willing to do exactly what Wille wanted and he gets ZERO credit from some people for that. Luckily Wilhelm sees what a sacrifice this is for Simon and does not leave Simon to sacrifice alone.

4. Boundaries protect the relationship, build trust and help relationships grow

If Simon had never stood his ground both in s1e6 and throughout s2 Wille would have likely continued the way he was going bc it was comfortable for him and he was understandably scared. They probably would have gotten in even more arguments and honestly i do not think Wille would have been forced to mature and consider Simons feelings in the way he eventually did. I know people resist Edvin calling Wille selfish but Simon has to constantly keep telling Wille “what about me? What about my family? Do you see how hard this is for me?” For some reason viewers are interpreting that as selfish ?? In a relationship you really should not have to be constantly reminding someone to consider you and your feelings.

Simon setting boundaries and saying what he wanted only made their relationship stronger even tho they had to take some time apart. Protecting yourself and wanting a healthy balanced relationship where your needs are considered as much as the other person’s is not selfish. And anyone who tells you that it is does not have your best intentions at heart. Simon is not saying his needs are MORE important than Wille’s he is saying that his needs matter TOO and are EQUALLY IMPORTANT to Wille’s. Which was the journey he needed to go on (as stated by his sister) and the journey that Wille needed to go on as well in order to create a healthy dynamic together.

Setting boundaries is hard but worth it in the end!!!

So yeah! I hope you all set some boundaries today or use this info to argue with simon antis 💖

—————-

Disclaimer// I am not a therapist i just do workshops with teens about healthy relationships and it is a passion of mine.

#young royals #wilmon #simon eriksson #anyone who hates on simon needs to self reflect #boundaries #simon and wilhelm #young royals s2

[neptunedivine]

my 2023 solar return observations

(tw: possible eating disorder mentions)

I was looking over my solar return chart yesterday and it made me very nervous. When I get nervous I feel better writing everything out. So that’s what I’m going to do :)

✨natal north node year✨ ✧ I turn my north node degree this year! My NN is Gemini 11H at 21° and in combination with everything else going on in my solar return, it does amp up the anxiety for me. I feel like I’m gonna be shoved into my destiny because I’ve been stalling for so long (well not stalling as avoiding, but not taking the leap(s) I need to out of fear).

8H stellium ✧ tbh I just wanted to address the obvious in all its glory before I tried to dissect it any further. Transformations feel like they’ll be a focal point this year, like heavily. But then again looking at the planets that make up this stellium (aside from Chiron), it doesn’t seem too bad? We’ll see.

Virgo rising at 3° + mercury as the chart ruler in Pisces 8H @ 29° ✧ I taste a lot of criticism in the air (mainly from myself but we’ll see). Some of this energy looks familiar because natally I have my mercury in Pisces in the 8H but @ 10°. Virgo is on my 3H cusp natally as well. Naturally knowing myself I feel like writing is going to be the focus for the year. Since my natal NN is also ruled by my chart ruler this year, I think I’m going to be pushed to really start making music this year. Especially since mercury is conjunct with my sun too. I think putting more time and dedication into it will change my life? (I’ve been viewing a lot of readings lately telling me that my passions and creativity will grant me great abundance so this could be in association) There could be an emphasis on me speaking my truth as well. Possible recognition as well with it being at 29°? It feels intense not only because it’s a fame degree but it’s the fate degree and conjunct with the Aries point.

Pisces sun 8H @ 28° ✧ I’m used to the placement but not in the 8H. With it being conjunct with my mercury I feel like this could be related to me shedding a bad mindset or patterns in my habits this year? (I feel like this pairs well with my Saturn placement which I’ll talk about later). As well as finding a trusted source to have deep conversations with (possibly a therapist) seems very likely for this year.

Aquarius Moon 6H @ 19° ✧ I think I will be very analytical and regulatory with my emotions and my feelings this year. Instead of feeling everything and questioning everything and feeling lost, especially with the possibility of a therapist, being able to dissect the reason for why I feel certain ways may happen. I also spiraled a lot in the past year so there could be a sense of grounding brought into the year.

Taurus Venus 9H @ 2° + + NN @ 4°+ Uranus @ 16° ✧ I don’t see myself traveling really? I could travel to somewhere beautiful, but since my natal venus is in 9H too this would be a continuation of my love for other cultures. A possible love interest from a different country or uni could be possible, but my guides know for sure that I’m not looking for that right now…right? Idk I’ve been very career driven for a few years now and I don’t see that changing. But who knows since my SR Uranus and NN are in the same house lol. Speaking of Uranus here, please for the love of God let this not play with my degree. I'm supposed to graduate next spring.

✧ I’m just now noticing how many feminine degrees there are that inspire creativity (Taurus (2°,14°,26°), Libra (7°,19°), and Cancer (4°, 16°,28°). Pretty cool. ✧

Gemini Mars 10H @ 26° ✧ Pairing drive (Mars) with curiosity (Gemini), this could relate to my passion and writing outside of the box of what is expected from me, or who I'd expect. (I have a list of talent that I really want to write for and I think about them when I write songs sometimes so that could be relevant). Or I could be just collaborating more? I’m not sure with the 8H stellium though. Oh! A drive to learn new things maybe? I’ve always wanted to get into production but with it being so white cis-male dominant it felt gatekeepy. But miraculously I have I think enough tools to figure out a good part of it independently.

Aries Jupiter 8H @ 16° ✧ I keep reading good things about this placement and I’m very excited about it. I could be receiving a large sum(s) of money this year (scholarships?). Also, this placement is not only conjunct with my natal venus but MC as well, so this energy could be amplified since having Venus/Jupiter in the 8H are very strong wealth indicators, but I could be gaining monetary abundance or just abundance in general towards my career somehow.

Pisces Saturn 6H @ 1° (tw: possible eating disorder mentions) ✧ I was watching a tiktok a few weeks ago about Saturn going into Pisces and what that could mean. They mentioned an end to things that relate to escapism, which makes sense since in modern astrology Pisces is ruled by Neptune, like overeating and procrastination. I feel like both of those topics would be covered in my life this year since the 6H rules over the physical body and health, but also the daily and routines. There could be a theme of cutting the bs and getting in control of my life in these areas. My Chiron natally is in the 6H so this has been a struggle I’ve been dealing with for a while. I don’t know if the "problem of Chiron” will be resolved but I think significant improvements could be made.

Pisces Neptune 7H @ 25° ✧ I don’t have the energy to be delusional in love this year please abeg. I have Neptune in the 7H but in Aquarius, so there’s an element of this that I’m used to. I could be continuing to manifest my dream partner? Because I do that every day when I listen to love songs and I really enjoy it. But a real person? In the flesh? Right now? Absolutely not, pass.

Capricorn Pluto 5H @ 29° ✧ I have my natal pluto in sag at 17° so I’m used to some of the energy but I think with it being Capricorn which rules over hard work and discipline rather than the freedom sag grants, I will take my passions seriously enough to make moves. Personally, I stress so much about making music and my skills and being really talented and getting everything right but I don’t do anything. I just sit in my charged obsessive energy. But hopefully, I’ll make the right moves this year. Recognition worthy? Possibly with how much 29° is popping up in my chart.

Taurus MC @ 29° ✧ The idea of getting recognition for my passion and my work feels very daunting for me because I don’t feel ready at all. I'm very perfectionistic with my passion. I'm so adamant about making it my career and being very well-known for it. I get very nervous about f*cking up. Regardless I don't think this year cares I might be shoved into the position to be seen, maybe not at its height because I glanced at my SR for the next two years and they feel like extensions of this year, like in acts.

that's all for now. see you later! :)

#solar return #solar return observations #astro notes #astrology #astro observations #solar return chart #solar return 2023 #north node #north node year #pisces saturn #pisces saturn transit #saturn transit

[emotionallychargedtowel]

the pursuer-distancer dyad & how it applies to the world of BL

Not too surprisingly, since I have a psychology PhD, I notice a lot of examples in my BL-watching of psychological concepts related to relationship dynamics and sometimes individual characteristics. I also probably like BLs because I’ve sought them out in part because they present an opportunity to do some complex thinking about relationships and how we approach them. 

A quick thing to note: BL characters are, of course, not real. But their stories resonate with us because they have some kind of relationship to reality. There’s a continuum from very realistic and highly relatable, to heightened for effect (this can make it easier to see certain things clearly, so they can still teach us useful things about real life), all the way to highly unrealistic stuff where we can relate to it because unusual experiences symbolically stand in for something else (see the classic “sure, he’s a murderer, but he’s my babygirl” phenomenon).

This post is about pursuer-distancer dynamics in relationships. I’m going to explain the concept as quickly and simply as I can, then talk a little bit about BL tropes and specific examples. I hope that if I keep writing about stuff like this, this is a post I can link to for background info in the future.

Most of the stuff I’ve seen on pursuer-distancer dynamics stems from Harriet Lerner’s work. She’s a Bowenian family systems therapist with a feminist bent who has written a lot of incisive but accessible books for popular audiences. Family systems theory is a way of looking at relationships as complex systems in which our patterns of behavior are interrelated. Hopefully that last sentence will make more sense after I explain further. For now, let’s dive in.

Here’s Lerner introducing the concepts of pursuers and distancers with a bulleted list from her book The Dance of Anger, excerpted below:

PURSUERS

• react to anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship.

• place a high value on talking things out and expressing feelings, and believe others should do the same.

• feel rejected and take it personally when someone close to them wants more time and space alone or away from the relationship.

• tend to pursue harder and then coldly withdraw when an important person seeks distance.

DISTANCERS

• seek emotional distance or physical space when stress is high.

• consider themselves to be self-reliant and private persons—more “do-it-yourselfers” than help-seekers.

• have difficulty showing their needy, vulnerable, and dependent sides.

• open up most freely when they are not pushed or pursued.

Sometimes we see these roles happen in clear-cut ways similar to what Lerner describes. But they can also show up in more complex ways. Roles can vary both between and within relationships. In other words, you can be a distancer in one relationship and a pursuer in another, and you can be both a pursuer and a distancer in different areas within the same relationship.

In healthy relationships that aren’t under any particular stress, pursuing and distancing would still happen. But partners would be free to engage in either as needed in a flexible way instead of being stuck in entrenched roles. 

Side note: there’s a difference between pursuing in the sense of wanting to be in a relationship with someone and pursuing a partner emotionally in an established relationship, just as there’s a difference between distancing yourself from a potential partner and distancing yourself from an established partner. I’m including a shot from Semantic Error above because it has a quality that not very many BLs have: the seme seems like he’s be a pursuer in a relationship, and the uke seems like he’d be a distancer.

So, why do we get caught in these entrenched, interrelated roles in relationships?

Lerner sees them as a sort of unspoken deal that we make with people we’re close to because deep down, we want to avoid acknowledging certain needs and the emotions that come with them. It’s a fairly universal thing that human beings both crave intimacy and fear it. But this is hard to acknowledge. It’s tempting to disavow either our need for closeness or our need for independence.

As Lerner puts it:

Emotional pursuers protect emotional distancers. By doing the work of expressing the neediness, clingingness, and wish for closeness for both partners, pursuers make it possible for distancers to avoid confronting their own dependency wishes and insecurities.

It goes both ways. Distancers can convince themselves that they don’t have a need for closeness because their pursuer is holding all of the neediness for them. Pursuers can convince themselves they don’t have any desire to avoid intimacy because their distancer will hold that for them. 

Not only do we make these unspoken bargains within relationships, but our tendencies to pursue or distance inform the partners we choose in the first place. Those of us with a tendency to pursue may gravitate to partners with a tendency to distance, or vice versa.

So, what’s the alternative? Lerner writes that relationships are healthier and more honest when both partners can acknowledge both their need for intimacy and their need for independence. 

Before I move on to BL-specific stuff, a couple things to note. First, the way in which pursuer and distancer roles are complementary is a pattern that comes up in a lot of other relationship roles. There are a number of ways in which we sort of delegate certain relational tasks or emotional states within a relationship and disavow those they have assigned to the other person. Second, the tendency to pursue or distance is related to other factors, such as attachment style, and I may get into some of those in other posts.

So, on to BL tropes. Let’s start by looking at maybe the most foundational BL trope, the seme/uke pairing. I honestly think I’m still working on fully grasping that concept. But of the varying definitions I’ve seen, I much prefer ones that define the seme as the person doing the pursuing and the uke as the person being pursued (rather than putting it in terms of semes as “aggressive” or making gross assumptions about topping and bottoming). It’s pretty obvious from the use of “pursue” here that the idea of a pursuer/distancer dynamic readily applies here, although it doesn’t map on perfectly.

So, what do Lerner’s ideas about pursuer/distancer dyads tell us about the ways BL dyads negotiate closeness?

It helps to explain the appeal of tsundere characters as ukes. Not as a fictional character, but their appeal to a seme. Watching a BL with a sweet seme and a grouchy uke, you might look at that seme and say, “poor thing, too bad he has to like someone who’s so grumpy” and see him as fully and sincerely seeking as much intimacy with the uke as he can get. But why did this person who’s supposedly so interested in intimacy fall for someone so prickly? Pursuers find distancers appealing because they can chase after them all they want and while, hopefully, they’ll catch up to them at times and experience some intimacy, it won’t be too easy. If it was too easy, the pursuer would 1) get more intimacy than they bargained for and 2) have to admit to themselves and their tsundere that they need distance sometimes too.

The reverse is also true. A uke can better afford to distance himself, or push a seme away, because on some level he trusts the seme to continue to pursue.

One thing I didn’t get into above but that Lerner points out: when a pursuer gets fed up with pursuing and not “catching” their partner enough, they tend to engage in what she calls “reactive distance.” This isn’t like when a pursuer calmly and authentically gets in touch with their need for independence and acts on it, making their approach to their relationship more balanced. It’s when a pursuer feels rejected and, well, pouts. I can think of a few examples of this in BLs but the first one that comes to my mind is from To My Star 2. (Spoilers ahead!) Seo Joon spends most of the season doing a serious full-court press to try to get Ji Woo back. In the face of a lot of rejection, some of it distinctly mean-spirited, he just keeps trying. And then, suddenly, he doesn’t. He takes his camper out to the woods where he has no phone reception, and when his management can’t get in contact with him, Ji Woo panics and is afraid something terrible has happened to him. But when he finds him calmly drinking a beer beside his camper, Seo Joon’s manner has changed drastically--he’s cold and dismissive. He still actually wants Ji Woo back. But he’s gotten to the point where he’s hurt enough to get into reactive distance mode. Later in the show, he does something similar. When Ji Woo finally wants to reconcile, Seo Joon is reluctant (for a little while). Chasing Ji Woo (while Ji Woo distances himself) was easier than dealing with all of the questions that come with reconciling with him, like whether he can really feel safe resuming a relationship with someone who ghosted him for a year. (I should note that there seems to be reasonable disagreement about who the seme is in this relationship, if indeed there is one in the strictest sense, but Seo Joon is definitely a pursuer in the family systems sense.)

There are other ways, besides choosing a distancer as their object of interest, in which a pursuer can build in safety mechanisms to make sure their pursuit doesn’t result in more intimacy than they can handle. I’m thinking of Utsukushii Kare here. I have a lot of thoughts here that should probably be in a separate post. I’ll just say that Hira and Kiyoi are both intensely ambivalent about intimacy and that despite Hira largely pursuing Kiyoi and Kiyoi mostly acting as the distancer, they turn those roles inside out and backwards and randomly trade positions. Honestly half my reason for writing this is so that I can pull all of these ideas into an Utsukushii Kare post later because they are a great example about how these dynamics can turn into a tangled mess.

I’ll leave it at that for the moment. As I said above, I’m planning to pull from these ideas for at least one in-depth post on Utsukushii Kare and if there’s interest and I have the time and energy I’ll try doing something similar about some other constructs that apply to BLs in a useful way.

#BL drama #psychology of BL #family systems theory #pursuer distancer dynamic #semantic error #to my star 2 #utsukushii kare #jae young x sang woo #seo joon x ji woo #hira x kiyoi

[siyasantlani111]

Self Security~

Hello guys so today's topic is self security and how being secure within ourselves is so important. We always hear people say “I love myself ” “I don't need anyone else's validation” “ I don't care about what others think”. Well I have been there and heard that too, but do people who say all of these things really mean it? Well sometimes we just say all of these things and feel like yes it's true we don't need anyone else's opinion, however if we look at our actions they might say otherwise, because sometimes we don't even realise what we are doing and it's built within us through our subconscious. However it's important to break patterns.

Today I'm going to talk about how I used to quote all of these things and how my actions said other wise. I would literally always act like I'm a baddie and confident and I'm self secure until I started noticing my own actions, and when I realised that my actions don't meet my words I realised wait it was so easy for me to quote “love yourself ” but I don't do any of these. My therapist made me realise that and first it hurt and made me feel like I failed myself.

Now how did I actually started practicing self security in my life:

Firstly :Know yourself, your work, the energy you put through anything.

Now for example if you had to work on a project in your class and you poured your heart into it and worked extremely hard for it. However still you didn't get first prize or maybe you didn't even get the third prize or worse your work wasn't even acknowledged then obviously you guys might feel upset. However if you constantly think about why wasn't I validated even though I put so much effort then first of all you know how much hardwork you did in that project and how at some points you even faced certain small challenges ( challenges are challenges small or big) so you already know how much work you put in, then don't let yourself fall into this trap where you think that you are not enough.

Secondly: It's ok to not be chosen

You guys need to start realising that you are not for everyone, your energy is not for everyone and people have different opinions. Just because someone didn't acknowledge you for anything doesn't mean you guys are gonna think that omg! I'm not worth anything or omg! I'm never chosen or omg! I'm never validated.

Well it's ok if you aren't validated by people, people who validate you might even forget about you, start validating yourself.

Third thing is: detachment

I used to attach myself to situations, people, things etc and etc. We all need to start realising when we are attaching ourselves to anyone but ourselves, boom! It's over for us. Because when you are not the spotlight of your life or when we are constantly giving our energy to everyone but ourselves, we are going to be drained, it would be easy for us to get manipulated, cheated, betrayed and blah and blah. Because guys YOU ARE THE MAIN CHARACTER OF YOUR LIFE! When I say be detached I don't mean be mean or cold or heartless don't help anyone NO! I mean is give 80% of your energy to yourself and 20% of your energy to the people you love, who care about you and respect your boundaries. Another way to be attached to ourselves is by praying to god or meditating or talking to universe if you don't believe in god, it really helps not joking. One more thing we can do is spending time with ourselves by doing things we love. What do you guys love doing? Ask yourself that. Because when you enjoy doing an activity then even if you guys are under tough circumstances like being surrounded by toxic people you will immediately have something to come back to, you guys will be excited to do that hobby you love and your focus would be more on that hobby. And when you are focused on you then babeeee you won already!! Because then you don't give damns about anyone around you who doesn't adds up to your life!!!

Last thing is: do things for yourself

You guys also need to realise that we should always do things for ourselves, now it's easier said that done. And how do we actually do it first of all if you guys desire something For eg: Good grades. Then ask yourself or write it down that why do I desire good grades? is it to impress my teacher and then be validated by them? Or is it to be a better student and for myself? Now why did I say that ask yourself is because, sometimes we don't even know why are we doing something we might have this sudden desire to do something however it's not necessary that we are doing it for ourselves. Now if we continue with the good grades example and by chance you guys even got good grades and even your teacher recognised you, validated you, gave you a big ass trophy in front of the school. At that moment it's gonna be a big win!!!! However let me tell you guys something insaneeee even if you guys got validated by someone else it won't really matter to them and they're gonna forget about it after a year or two, however do you guys know it will matter a lot to you!!! And that's beautiful that people will forget you after validating you, however even if you make small achievements it will always matter to you. THEN WHY DON'T WE DO THINGS FOR US!!!! Also you will be the only person who is benefited, the other who is validating you won't get any benifits of your work they won't be able to feel the same energy or the same happiness as you do then why depend on someone else to make you feel validated? Or to do things for?

However guys I think I'm going to end this blog now and thankyou so much for reading I love you guys so much!!!!!!

Also guys I'm also a human being who's learning things in life if my blog doesn't match with your opinion I would recommend not to read! However even I'm learning, so thankyou guys again❤️❤️❤️

#boundries #self worth #healing #best version of yourself #detachment

[mangodestroyer]

I think I should study more about dissociation/derealization. I'm pretty sure a lot of what I've been dealing with mentally might have something to do with this.

And yes, I'm aware I'm not a psychologist and can't self-diagnose. It's just been something I've suspected for a while now but never really looked into. But I'm also not sure I fully understand it or what it entails. Or if what I'm experiencing is something else entirely.

All I know is that, ever since the age of 18, I just got really weird. Sometimes, I feel like I'm living in a very dreamlike state, or like I'm doing dr*gs even though I'm sober (like, everything looks and feels so different and trippy for some reason). Other times, it feels like I'm hardly even sentient. I'll just be doing stuff and talking to people and whatnot, but everything will just feel so dark and like I almost have no thoughts. Or when I do think, it will be like, "Oh, I'm alive? I'm here? I've been alive? There's a world around me? I exist?" And when I'm like that, I feel like I can hardly form sentences or even be consciously aware of my surroundings or others.

And like I said, the first time I really noticed I was doing something like this was when I was 18. And it didn't just last for a few hours or a few days. It was really intense and lasted a few months. I just remember being so obsessed with death/dying. Doing intense research on life after death (or lack thereof). Literally not being able to focus on anything else. It kind of just came out of nowhere, although things had been very stressful that year. And I stopped eating and taking care of myself. I remember everything looking so dim. The edges of my vision were dim. I HATED feeling cold because for some reason my mind was associating it with non-existence at the time. Animals and other people also just felt really robotic and uncanny. Everyone's movements just felt machine-like, as if they were just programmed and they weren't sentient. I started to question if I or anyone or anything else is actually sentient and if maybe this is all a fluke. Or something. And I remember in therapy just not being able to explain this at all. I didn't even know where to begin. So I kind of just would talk about random shit, ig while the therapist evaluated me. And the random shit really was random and kind of didn't make sense. And would sometimes just be invasive anxieties that came out of nowhere. I remember one time I started defending the existence of supernatural shit. Insisting that it's not invalid for people to believe or try to perform magic. That it just REALLY needs to exist. Yeah, idk why I was doing that.

And then... I snapped out of it. And unfortunately, I just stopped going to therapy without getting a diagnosis. At the time, ig I just thought it wasn't going anywhere. And I have mixed feelings about it now because idk if I was just being completely impossible to work with or if maybe they were noticing how weird I was being and needed extra time to work it out.

I've had a few other long term episodes (?) like this too. All of them very different from the other. I had a couple of them this past year, actually. At the beginning of this year, I was CERTAIN I interacted with supernatural entities in some way, even if I didn't fully understand the how and why, and that I accidentally tore the fabric of the universe in some way and opened up another dimension. By complete accident. I just felt like I "went too far" or something. And I was now experiencing and learning about things that were "too abstract" for me to understand, but I had a tip of the tongue feeling about it. I felt so strongly that there was something there and no one was seeing it. And I was just SO CLOSE to seeing it. When I told my sister, she said I was having a delusion. I insisted that it wasn't a delusion and would it really be so crazy if something existed but was invisible to us but would actually be very relevant? The other episode was very similar. Feeling like I fucked up the fabric of the universe in some way again. Oh, and also feeling like the Earth was unusually small and the atmosphere felt really low to the ground. It kind of felt like I was on a set. I also remember the sun feeling unusually white.

I notice it only happens when something really stressful happens in my life. Like, when there's intense family drama or right after I left my toxic relationship. Otherwise, it's not as intense as the months long episodes and it just feels like mild dissociation now and then. It feels really weird typing this all out and thinking about the fact that I really was thinking these thoughts and experiencing reality this way. And the more I experience it, the more shame I feel over it. I almost never talk about this because I feel like no one will believe me or take me seriously. Or they'll just write me off as someone to stay away from.

And yes, if it helps, I did have a traumatizing childhood.

[ablackwomansurvivingrape]

Sex Should Not Be Painful: The Stigma of Vaginismus

Cisgender girls are taught that vaginal sex is supposed to hurt the first time (or first few times) you have penetrative sex. This message proliferates within families and across the media we consume. While we know this is not true—intercourse should absolutely not hurt—talking about unwanted pain during intercourse is still taboo. Dominant culture defines sex between cisgender men and women as an inequitable transaction—women endure discomfort and pain in service of men’s pleasure; pain is viewed as a twisted right of passage that women should expect and bear. However, the pain is supposed to go away after you’re no longer a “novice,” right? But what if it doesn’t go away?

Painful penetration (e.g., sex, using tampons, etc.) is called dyspareunia, and it is not something that “should” happen to anyone during vaginal or anal sex. While sometimes the issue is due to lack of lubrication and/or arousal, sometimes dyspareunia is a sign of something more serious. According to the American Sexual Health Association, there are two types of dyspareunia: primary, and secondary. Primary dyspareunia refers to pain during initial or attempted vaginal penetration (“entry pain”), whereas secondary refers to pain during deeper vaginal penetration (“deep pain”). While there is not always a direct cause of dyspareunia, the ASHA identifies several conditions that could cause primary or secondary dyspareunia, including vaginismus (pain caused by involuntary muscle contractions around the vaginal opening), endometriosis, and fibroids. Some people even experience pain during normal, daily activities like walking and exercising. Some people cannot experience penetration at all. People with primary dyspareunia likely notice a problem early—for many, inserting a tampon is very painful or even impossible. However, some go through life having little to no issues and enter a whirlwind of confusion, shame, and pain when they first begin to have penetrative sex. Although there are various treatment options, there is no guarantee of improvement.

Growing up, I received conflicting messages about pain and bleeding during sex. Even trusted authorities like health teachers drilled it into us that it’s going to hurt when you have sex for the first time, and you might even bleed, too. Just like pain, bleeding is also not a normal thing that should happen to you. Blood represents internal microtears of the skin and while they heal on their own, it can put you at increased risk of infections. I didn’t notice that something was seriously wrong and that I needed medical intervention until well into young adulthood, even though I had been experiencing less severe, intermittent pain since I began using tampons. Dangerous messages around the naturalness of pain during sex led me to ignore the issue for much longer than I should have. “Just use more lubricant,” is something I have repeatedly heard prescribed as a remedy for pain during penetrative sex, but this is not a viable option for dyspareunia; while it can help some, lubricant alone doesn’t address the underlying medical and psychological contributors of dyspareunia. It was only when I was finally seen by a pelvic floor physical therapist that I understood how lubricant was only a temporary alleviator. A part of me had accepted that I would just have to suffer through a certain amount of pain in order to enjoy what I thought was a healthy, adult sexual life. I was wrong, and I wish I would have sought help sooner. The reality is that shame keeps many of us from speaking about this to others.

THERE IS AN INCREDIBLY CISGENDER, HETEROSEXUAL, ABLE-BODIED BEND TO THE WAY WE DISCUSS INTERCOURSE, AND A FOCUS ON CIS MALE PLEASURE.

My well-being was certainly suffering. Even medical professionals in the OBGYN arena may not be knowledgeable about this issue or understand the impact it has on quality of life—they will often tell you to “just try kegels,” even though this can actually make the issue worse. It wasn’t until I met with the physical therapist that I learned that, with conditions like vaginismus, the problem is that your muscles are overactive, contracting strongly when they shouldn’t, and they need to be taught to relax as much as possible—they don’t need to be strengthened.

As I slowly began to talk about this with others, I quickly found that I wasn’t alone. Multiple women reached out to me, and to my surprise they were all women of color. Where were our voices in this severely under-addressed health issue? The resources that I found online centered white, cisgender, heterosexual women’s experiences. I realized then that an understanding of the complexities of being both hypersexualized and desexualized as BIPOC was sorely missing from the discourse, of which there was already very little. There is an incredibly cisgender, heterosexual, able-bodied bend to the way we discuss intercourse, and a focus on cis male pleasure. “Real sex” is vaginal penetration (by a penis) and everything else is “just” foreplay. This isn’t true, of course, but this message is so pervasive in society that it alienates people with dyspareunia, as well as those who are disabled or LGBTQ. When society frames sex as something primarily in service of heterosexual penile pleasure, sexual acts that don’t serve this purpose are labeled deviant or less than, and vaginal pain during penetrative sex becomes normalized. Clitoral orgasms are seen as non-essential to sexual intercourse, and intercourse is considered over after penile ejaculation. This rigid view of sexuality at best limits our sexual exploration, and at worst furthers stigma that marginalized people already face.

#cisgender black women #vaginismus #secondary dyspareunia #Primary dyspareunia #Painful penetration #dyspareunia #obgyn #pelvic floor

[thevulturesys]

Let’s talk about how DID is portrayed on the media. This is a topic that should be talked about more often as DID is often stigmatized. Let me start off by saying that your DID does NOT have to show a certain way. Everyone’s experience with DID is different and valid. As long as you fit the DID diagnosing criteria, you are valid.  In this post, I will be sharing our experience with you for educational purposes so I can debunk some myths and misconceptions and so you can get an idea of things. Without further ado, let’s dive right in. 1. You do NOT have to have a certain number of alters to be valid. DID isn’t even all about alters, it’s more so about trauma. DID is a result of TRAUMA, alters are just part of that trauma. You’re as valid for having 14+ headmates as someone with 5-6 headmates. Polyfragmented systems are a thing and are just as valid too. This was your brain’s way of coping, you do not need to stress about it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not worthy of your time. No one knows your trauma and your life as well as you do so they do not have a say in things. We are a system of 13 members, we are just as valid as you are.  2. Having no introjects is just as valid as having plenty introjects. Introjects usually form because the brain found comfort in said person and used that person as an escape route from the trauma you endure. Understanding why your introjects exist is important. P.S. Please do NOT attempt to find out stuff you’re not ready to know without professional help because you could expose yourself to more hidden trauma and end up re-traumatizing yourself. Seek professional help if it is available to you. 3. Switches don’t have to be noticeable!!! DID is covert, people aren’t meant to notice you switching, that’d attract unnecessary attention towards you. Your brain does not want people suspecting you which’s why it does it’s best to work behind the scenes. The switches you see on social media are often times dramatized to catch people’s attention for views and etc..! Although, switches CAN be noticeable.  4. Switches can be quick or slow. This is pretty self-explanatory. Sometimes, (and with communication), some headmates and I are able to quickly switch when we’re able to. Switches vary from headmate to headmate for us. Sometimes, they can be slow and painful while other times, they can be quick and nauseating. We don’t all share the same experience, my system might have better communication than yours which influences the way we switch, your experience and mine are totally valid and you don’t have to compare the two or be like us to be valid!  5. Dissociative barriers can vary. Because of communication and effort, K and I have lower amnesia barriers compared to KD and me. That is totally okay. Amnesia barriers can be low or high based on how far in therapy you are, how much you’ve progressed with each other, how much effort you’ve put in, and how much you’ve communicated with your system to achieve such low barriers. K and I can sometimes recall what each of us has done while fronting. We did not used to be like that. Amnesia barriers were super awful during the time but with communication, they’ve lessened. You are valid for having low or high amnesia barriers.  6. Most of the things you see on social media are dramatized for views and clout. Please don’t let that get to you. Consult your therapist and surround yourself with a safe, non-toxic environment and familiarize yourself with how DID can actually look like. Again, just because your experience is different from another system’s does not make you any less of a system. These are only some of the various things within the DID community. I shall add to this post when I think of anything new to add. That’s all for now, folks. Hope you learned a thing or two!  

#actually did #ptsd #cptsd #did system #did #sysblr #sysblogging #did positivity #osdd #introjects #persecutor #fictive #informative

[weabooweedwitch]

Have you considered the possibility you might have petulant-subtype BPD or covert/thin-skinned NPD? Self-loathing, needing to feel extremely desired (which you said is why you write yandere and noncon), anger issues, being sensitive to ways you might be a victim in life or got a worse deal than others, wanting to lash out at people for perceived slights, extremely fluctuating self-esteem, substance abuse, exaggerating issues, fantasizing a lot about extreme and ideal love, preoccupation with things like appearance, age and failure, perfectionism and not being able to let things go are all traits of those disorders I've noticed in you. I don't know though. I think a lot of people with MI and neurodiversity are like that at a younger age but usually they grow out of it by age 25 at the latest? Which suggests it might be a personality disorder in your case. Maybe it might be worth pursuing some type of advanced psychodynamic therapy for diagnostic clarification? Because it sounds like you've just had diagnosis after diagnosis thrown at you, and of course therapy won't do anything if you don't have the right one. Unfortunately psychiatrists are dogshit at diagnosing complex disorders in young women

Lmaoooo literally have a little voice in the back of my head right now "PETULANT subtype? Oh so I'm Medically Diagnosed As Whiny? 😤😤😤" Lll

I think that definitely sounds like a possibility though 🥺 (especially since I feel like I hate myself too much to have any form of NPD lol). As you've said, those are definitely a lot of traits I have and a lot of these traits I've had as far back as I can remember :( or, maybe it formed as a result of childhood stress and abuse or something since my mom used to say I was a much happier cheerier, more assertive child in the past

That actually reminds me of how I did in fact have like, some sort of social worker suggest I have more indepth psychological testing for a missed diagnosis and it just never really happened, like I was supposed to receive a phonecall or something eventually but, never did

Gosh I was talking to my mom just recently about seeing a psychiatrist again (the downside is i probably have to see a therapist first for a referral), more so to check for ADHD, because I've read ADHD and OCD cause certain emotional regulation issues, and when I was seeing a therapist last, she eventually brought up "hey I've noticed you kind of fly off the handle and become almost manic sometimes because you are so upset, does this happen a lot" and, she was thinking maybe it was exacerbated by my smoking habits, but, really thinking on it, I've always had these sorts of issues, especially in school. They would almost have to warn me/my mom in advance whenever there was going to be a substitute teacher because, something about a new authority figure or the change or I don't even remember, I would HATE those bitches, to the point every single time there was a sub, I was having issues and butting heads and I actually had a period of time as a child where I was, not exactly VIOLENT but I would get into physical fights and arguments with other kids.

Like literally as far back as I can remember, any sort of criticism or rejection of any kind basically creates this.... visceral reaction in me? Like it almost sends me onto fight or flight in a way, the way it can completely tank my moods, make me instantly on edge, almost feeling attacked. And obviously it's a huge problem when I'm supposed to be adulting and I'm at a job and a manager or authority figure says something that irks me and suddenly there's that voice, "ok you know what fuck you, fuck you I'm going then"

Like lmao she may know what I'm talking about but a while back I was talking to a mutual I've known for a few years and she's kind of like "hey XYZ was actually a really uncool to say" and this was a person I've known you know secondhand for YEARS and my brain, instantly instantly said "ok you know what fuck you too then" and I had to like, reign my emotions in and just say I couldn't have that conversation while I wasn't in the right mental state during that time. Like it's that strong.

My mom has always commented on me "flying off the handle" but I've seen literally so many therapists and psychiatrists at this point that like it's a LIST of people who missed me potentially have a PD, but a lot of mental health symptoms overlap and intersect with each other, so...

This is actually super super helpful and something I definitely need to look into, thank you 🥺❤️

[toomanysurveys9]

it's been awhile.

1. Who was the last person you forgave? How long did it take you to forgive them? Probably Jacob. He's kind of been an asshole lately, although I haven't exactly been a walk in the park either.

2. Is going mushroom hunting in the woods something that would interest you? Can't say that it is.

3. What is your favorite junk food? How about your favorite health food? Favorite junk food is probably cheesecake or ice cream lately. Favorite health food is probably fruit lately. I've really been wanting watermelon.

4. Are you listening to anything right now? Do you normally listen to music while you take surveys? Not currently, no.

5. What were you doing the last time you hung out with a friend? Uhhh. Just hung out and talked I guess. It was Jacob's sister and her boyfriend(?)/the father of her baby.

6. Is there anything about you that might cause others to dislike you? People complain I'm too quiet a lot. And have my entire life. I sometimes think that makes them think I'm stuck up or something.

7. Is there anything you’re really particular or specific about, anything that has to be done a certain way every time? I don't know these days. I'm pretty particular about my kids and how people care for them if that counts?

8. Are there any chores you need to get done today? I really need to put my family's laundry away. Again. But that will probably have to wait until tomorrow.

9. Where was the last place you went shopping and what did you buy? Uhm. I guess it was Walmart. I bought Jacob snacks that he wanted and a few things to take for lunch for me this week to go with my dad's chili.

10. What was the last big change you made to your physical appearance? Well, I'm almost 24 weeks pregnant with our fourth baby so there's that. That's a pretty big physical change.

11. Are you more likely to shut people out of your life or try to fix things no matter what? I definitely do both depending on who it is and the situation.

12. Where was the last place you went out to eat? Is going out something you enjoy or would you rather cook at home? Jake and I went to Chili's on Saturday night. We were supposed to go to Olive Garden with our littles, but he ditched us because evidently, he had to help someone with their car instead. By the time he was done, our babies had eaten but I had not yet.

13. If you have any pets, do they seem to notice when you’re sick or sad? I have two dogs and a cat and I think they absolutely notice. They are always more cuddly and protective.

15. Is anything you’ve done lately going to matter in a year?   I hope so. I'm currently in the internship portion of grad school (which isn't going super stellar, but it is what it is) but hopefully it leads to me finishing my degree and becoming a therapist.

16. What was the subject of your last phone call? Jake was asking where Wyatt's medicine was because he actually helped me with the kiddos a little bit this morning.

17. Are your hobbies something you’d rather do alone or with others? I feel like most of my hobbies are ones I prefer doing alone, such as reading or watching TV. However, if my kiddos want to cuddle me while I read or watch TV, I definitely won't complain.

18. Is there anything about yourself that you’re trying to improve? I have plans to improve my overall health, especially after little girl is born.

19. What are you doing today? I got Eliana up and ready for preschool, and then took Wyatt to his school after I got him around. Obviously got myself around after I got them around, and I went to work until 2 today after dropping Wyatt off at school. Then I picked Wyatt off and dropped him off at home before coming to my internship site because they are having me shadow/provide co-therapy with another therapist here. I have one more client (on my own via telehealth) from 6:30-7:30 pm and then I need to stop by the store on my way home to get new headphones for Wyatt for school. When I get home, I'll probably eat a bowl of cereal and throw laundry in the washer, and then go to bed. Because tomorrow will be another busy day with getting kiddos up and where they need to be, work, OB appointment (have to do my glucose test), putting laundry away, and then supervision through my school from 8:30 pm until 11 pm. I can't wait to be done with school.

20. What did you dream about last night? I don’t remember.

21. When was the last time you visited relatives? Do you see extended family often? We visited my brother Saturday night and ended up spending the night and spent all day Sunday at his house too. Which is nice because we haven't really got to do that in so long with his work schedule as an EMT.

22. What was the last relaxing thing you did? I took a nap in my office before the co-therapy appointment. It wasn't very comfortable, but I needed the sleep.

23. Will this weekend be better than last weekend? I doubt it. I have a presentation to put together to present next Tuesday.

24. When was the last time you were there for a friend? I was there for my sister this weekend if that counts... and my parents too.

25. Do you have any jewelry you almost never take off? My suicide awareness bracelet for Justin.

26. What are some of your favorite words? I don't know.

27. Do you have any journals from when you were younger? If so, do you ever go back and read them? I probably do. But I don't think I would want to read them again.

28. Are there any holidays you used to celebrate, but no longer do? Not really.

29. What was the last occasion for which you dressed up? I don't remember. I don't dress up very often.

30. Is there anything you wish you could say to anyone? Oh yeah. A lot of things to quite a few people.

#survey #surveys #personal #questions #question

[chronicallyfckd]

I need advice on how to help my brother. For context both me and him went through extreme trauma growing up.

So a year or two ago I got medically recognized as having BPD. Because of this I started researching Cluster B personality disorders, and I kind of noticed how similar ASPD is to my brother, he was even diagnosed with Conduct Disorder around 10-13. I want to push him to seek help since it's very clearly affecting his life. Something I and our grandma (she's the only one who really believes what happened to us)

I'm trying to not go into detail because I don't want some random person to think he's a evil person. He's not. He just needs help. I have brought up the possibility with him, and he agrees with me, but how could I go about pushing him towards it? I know a lot of his behavior is due to trauma, and it gets worse and more self destructive. My family has basically accepting he will die if he doesn't change.

I don't think anything wrong with him, I just want to help him get help and I'm kind of desperate because of the condition he is in.

honestly, the best thing I can tell you is not to push him too hard because it can also backfire very easily and cause him to never want to seek help at all (you know how when people tell you to do a thing and it makes you wanna NOT do the thing out of spite almost (not really spite, usually, but something called demand avoidance)? yeah. can happen with that very quickly, too)

what you can do is be more adamant about it, while staying gentle (as in, not forcing him or making him feel a certain way with the way you may express yourself). depending on what drives your brother, maybe tell him how you feel watching him destroy himself like this and wanting for him to get better, to have a real chance at life that was first taken from him with the trauma. that he still has a chance if he takes it and puts in the effort for it. often times, it's needed to hear that there's still a chance at a life. an actual life. not just survival mode since what happened.

but also listen to what he has to say about it. I often find that listening to how people perceive their own situation gives you a better idea about how to help them better and push them in the right direction.

and remember that if somebody doesn't want help or believes they're far beyond help and feel completely hopeless about themselves, it's very hard to even get started, let alone for said help to do what it should. your brother needs to have the motivation to put in the work, too. if he only gets help eventually to make you happy or get you off his case, it won't really do anything.

I do think that the fact that he even acknowledges that ASPD might be what he has is a good thing, same with that he accepts the idea of needing help. it shows a willingness to understand why he's that way, what's happening to him, and how to look for help. it's always a good first step in the right direction. and if he proves to be more open to seeking help: something I do a lot for the people around me, who struggle with taking those steps, is searching for suitable therapists/psychatrists for them, bookmarking them, and so on. of course your brother would still have to actually contact them, but you can offer to help him do it. offer to make the call; even though he needs to talk. sometimes it's the aspect of even dialling the number and pushing the button that is the hardest to do. offer to help him write an email to them if they accept email introductions for first-time patients. just... offer to be there for him if you are able to do it. it can go a long way.

I'm really sorry to hear about both of your situations and how worried you're about your brother and that you're desperate to find help for him and push him into it. it's a stressful situation to be in and you have my deepest sympathy. I wish you both the best, and I really hope you'll be able to get your brother to seek the help he needs and deserves. he's definitely not evil and he's not beyond saving or hope. he has a chance at life. he's not doomed. neither are you. and I really hope things will start looking up for the both of you with time. <3

#i hope this was somewhat helpful for you Anon <3 #feel free to contact me via DM if you wanna talk about it some more or send another Ask whatever you're more comfortable with #good luck! #cora.talks #long post

[bby-deerling]

Heyyy congrats on the milestone! :D 600 is a bunch of people and honestly you deserve it like your writing skills are amazing and I love your work! Haha

I hope I'm not too late to the match up event however... You must be full with requests but I got curious.

-------------------------------------------

I would generally describe myself as an extrovert, I don't struggle much with talking to new people in new environments and I can adapt myself quite easily.

However I do enjoy having my alone time since it can get a bit overwhelming for me and I always enjoy having a good spare time to read or draw whatever occurs to me.

I'm a very creative individual and mostly enjoy trying new things if I can, sometimes resulting in me being a bit reckless although I can be a bit analytical whenever it is needed.

I'm literally the funny/ therapist friend of the group and mainly the one that keeps them together most of the time.

I struggle a lot with boundaries but I still try to keep a decent amount of limits so I don't get too anxious.

But that would mainly be it, once again I love your work and just keep going! You're doing amazing:3

ahhh thank you so much for the praise anon <3

i think a certain someone would steal your heart, and it's...

usopp!

the two of you would have so much fun tinkering and creating together! he is super inventive, and would love to have somebody else to bounce ideas around with and give him inspiration for new projects! he would also be super supportive of all of your endeavors as well!

while your strength lies in getting comfortable in unfamiliar situations, his lies in noticing when you need a breather, and is always there to pull you away and cheer you up while you recharge!

he really appreciates that you have that "glue" that holds people together. he's definitely the type to need a little extra support and reassurance here and there from you, and in return he makes sure you know how grateful he is for everything you do to keep both your relationship and everyone's friendships on the Sunny in tip-top shape!

setting proper boundaries and dealing with anxiety is something you have in common, and the two of you would be able to work on that and grow together!

<3

#600 follower event #matchup

[free--therapy]

thank you so much for answering again, always helps me to read your advice and perspectives!

also, I feel like I bother you a lot and I'm sorry if that is the case, I really honestly don't mean to annoy you. just sharing my thoughts/worries with you and having insights and advice from someone who understands the situation is so comforting.

I've been thinking of considering therapy maybe some months from now too but I've only just graduated so I can't afford it as of right now, however when I can, maybe I'll start it.

but is sharing anything with the therapist okay? I mean, even the stuff that I think can be "weird" or "crazy" or "shameful" or "wrong" or anything like that. like any past mistakes that I randomly worry over, regarding the content I watched that I worried over, all other what ifs that scare me, intrusive thoughts, and my fear of panic attacks and anxiety about anxiety disorders itself. all these worries keep getting complex when I manage to get over one, it gets more complex, and so on.

I randomly remember any of the above worries and recently, have been getting triggered over it when I was fine before. but I also know I'm doing much much better at calming myself down and reminding myself that they're just all thoughts no matter how complex they might seem. sometimes the worry thoughts get so weird, embarrassing or shameful that I end up thinking "there's no way I can share this in detail with a therapist"

this is especially true regarding things like the content I watched or even the anime content like lolicon/shotacon stuff. I know I consumed any and all of that unknowingly without much thinking and got over it too but since the worries are here, and some worries go deep and get complex and way too irrational, I feel like I need to talk about it fully or properly in detail. but I also think there's no way I can do that even with a therapist because what if they think I'm someone weird or crazy? I mean i imagine trying to explain to them that I watched nsfw anime/manga content but it had children in it 😭 even if it's fictional, if they're not familiar with what anime or manga is, how can I even explain it to them without sounding like someone who does illegal stuff or has weird interests or something 😭

I know there are many many people who consume anime or manga content with that sort of content without any problems (I personally know people online and irl too who watch or read those kinds of anime/manga, so I know I wasn't alone) because it's fictional or cartoon but like, those people also don't worry about it. I don't consume it now but I did in the past but for me, idk how I can explain my worries related to any of it to a therapist especially if I want to share some worry related to it in detail, is it even okay to share something like that with them? is it safe and will they understand?

And thank you for all the help regarding the intrusive thoughts thing too! you definitely hit the nail on the head when you said I need to focus more on how something affects me and how to deal with it instead of focusing on it's details or why it's different. I did notice I've been trying to just make certain thoughts seem too different for no one to worry about or thinking that only I have certain xyz worries. I'll try to remember to always remind myself that there are definitely people who get thoughts like these too but maybe some of them don't let the thoughts have any power over them and maybe I can learn to do that too!

and yeah like I said, this recent worry about intrusive thoughts about s*icide when I see ceiling fans is disturbing indeed especially because it seems more real. just like you said, I usually randomly used to get intrusive thoughts in my head or mind's eye too and it wasn't as realistic for me? I mean today when I looked at fans or was in a room with fans and noticed them, my mind almost created a 3d image of the intrusive thought basically 😭 so it seemed so real and since I did get triggered pretty bad when it first happened, now it's like the whenever I get distracted, my mind kind of makes up that image or something.

but like you said, it's because I gave power to those thoughts/images that made them seem so scary. over time what I've clearly noticed is almost none of my worries are actual "problems" per se but rather it's the negative reaction I have when I remember any of it and worrying about it that makes it seem like a "problem."

I mean, I know it's natural to worry about problems or even perceived problems and it's natural human tendency. But for me, I'll get multiple what ifs and catastrophic conclusions from any one worry I randomly got and then, when I try to remind myself of all the reasons why the worry thought is not real, sometimes the worry ends up getting more complex or bigger. but either way, what I do notice is that I end up thinking of it as a problem when it really isn't.

like to give an example, if an intrusive thought comes up, my thinking cycle goes like:

oh here's this thought. okay it doesn't bother me right now. oh but what if it keeps coming back? then will it start bothering me? no, those are just irrational worries.

but then, I'll remember the thought again and so my mind will go:

oh it's here again. it keeps coming back so what if you remember it again? it's fine, I won't and even if I do, I'll be fine.

then when I do end up remembering it again my mind goes:

oh look just like I said, it's here again. so now what? what does it mean? doesn't this mean that the what if was actually true? what if you remember it again when you see xyz? no that's still just a what if thought, it's not real

I'll remind myself that I don't need to indulge in any what ifs but if I do end up remembering that worry thought again then that what if starts seeming real even though it isn't

so basically, me remembering the thought again when I see something that reminds me of it makes that what if it comes again? thought seem real. so it starts bothering me because I had rationalised that what if as just an irrational worry thought but now my mind is trying to convince me that it was actually real because what that thought said actually happened, etc.

it's the same with this ceiling fan related intrusive thoughts. when I try to imagine or think about something normal, if my normal thought has a setting of a house or a room, the intrusive thought will come up because of it. and of course, in real life too, it has been randomly coming up out of nowhere. I've explained it to myself by reminding myself that "it doesn't mean anything" "all what ifs related to it are just thoughts too and not facts" "I can't be sure if I'll always remember it or if it'll be here forever" "I can only focus on the present and so in the present, I can keep doing something else that I was doing prior the thought came"

but then, when I try to do that, I end up thinking what if the thought comes up after I feel like I've gotten over it. then I start trying to explain myself what I'll do if and when that does happen. but what I realise is by trying to explain myself what I'll do when it comes again in the future, I'm essentially making it seem like it will come in the future.

I only have the present so I can only know what to do about it in the present. I don't need to think of a plan of what I'll do when it happens in the future. all other thoughts as well related to the what ifs and the intrusive thoughts- all future related ones- I don't need to plan on what I'll do when it does happen in the future because I can't be 100% sure if it even will right? I mean, even if I know that certain things almost always remind me of some intrusive thoughts, it's still almost. there are still times when I don't get reminded of the intrusive thoughts even if I come across something that I've associated with it

so basically whether I might or might not remember any intrusive thoughts in the future or whether I have an association or not, either way, what I can remember is no matter what the reason, I don't need to think or plan for what I'll do when it "happens again in the future" because that's essentially just an anxiety thought in itself too

instead I can only learn to focus on the present and no matter what thought comes up and no matter how many times it comes up in the present, I can choose to know that it's just a thought and choose to not let it have any power over me.

of course it's still hard especially with these new more realistic intrusive thoughts which create an 3d image in real life pretty much whenever I look at or even think about ceiling fans and even worse when it's a clear image of me because that's definitely disturbing 😭 but on the brighter side, if despite talking about this with you, if you can not be bothered by these thoughts/images I'm talking about despite hearing about them then I can learn to move on too!

of course I know it might take patience especially since I don't really know what to do or how should I not let it bother me or how to rationalise it, etc. hopefully I'll figure it out soon and for good 🍀

it's a scary thought and also much more realistic to think about but at the same time, if I don't actively worry about it and treat it like anyone else would i.e. "just a thought that came out of nowhere" then it doesn't seem as harmful. it's only when I attach all what ifs to it that makes it seem bigger than it actually is .

I'm definitely still bothered because just sitting in a room with ceiling fans makes me remind the thoughts and since I don't know how to deal with them, it's annoying. hopefully I'll get over it soon 🍀

thank you so much for hearing me out again! oh and i know I said I'll use 🌼 to denote my asks but I completely forgot about it long time ago and didn't use it at all except maybe a few times 😭 sorry for that 🙏

Hey Anon,

Therapists are trained to be able to deal with anything and everything you tell them. They know that most people struggle to open up to them because they hold a lot of guilt and shame about something in their life. Regardless of the context, they'll know how to handle it and do so in a professional matter that makes you feel validated and heard. When I started therapy, it took me a while to finally open up and even just cry in front of her. It takes time to establish trust with someone new, but it's also a huge feeling of relief when you can finally just get all of those thoughts and things off your chest and out into the world, and to have someone make you feel valid.

You should also know that a majority of mental health professionals get into the profession because they wanted to learn how to deal with their own mental health stuff. I see it all the time. They have the proper tools to make sure they know how to handle whatever you tell them, and trust me, they even likely have stuff that they deal with that they think you'd probably think they were crazy for, especially since they're supposed to be the therapist. Therapists are no exception to the rule of having no mental health issues, they just know how to handle it because they were taught the tools to do so and now they're trying to help you. A lot of them also have to follow a code of ethics to not disclose any of your information or what you say to them, so I don't think they'd be shaming you back or even telling other people about your worries. It will probably take a few sessions for you to even start diving into that sort of thing, so I wouldn't let that stop you from pursuing therapy.

As for the ceiling fan thought, I wouldn't focus so much on if the thought will come back up again because it likely will. What you have to do is just remember that when it does come back up that you know how to handle it. Like you said, it's an anxious thought to worry about it coming back again and almost a self-fulfilling prophecy because it likely will.

#ask #answered #anon #anxiety #intrusive thoughts #therapy

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Good evening. I'll just start. Since I was raised with a lot of emotional violence, I did a lot of deconstructing and rebuilding my values but also my reactions to certain things. How do I react when I am anxious and is this a good reaction or did it stick from my childhood? How do I think, talk about XY? And is that really my opinion, or my parents?

This took years and it was actually very funny and filled some books and I am far from being finished but I noticed something: it made me arrogant. I understand that people who didn't grew up with abuse and maybe trauma don't see the necessity in this for themselves but I believe everyone should do this a little bit, when they become adults.

I am very interested in sociology, but I lost a lot of my empathy. Sometimes you look at X-phobic people and you realize, some of these people don't have bad intentions, they are honestly, irrationally afraid and turn violent. Just an example. And I can't sympathise with them anymore. I just think "You should work on your fear and your reactions, as an grown adult you can't just simply hate what you fear!?"

Or my partner. He has suffered from abuse too and his reactions are always the same and never for todays-situation. Always for the abuse situation. And it starts to annoy me because, we are together for 5 years and I did all my rebuilding during this time, and he still reacts as if I was his abusive mom. Why doesn't he ever overthink his reactions? Why can't he just grow, but has to put me through this situation over and over, which leaves me hurt.

It is just not his style, he wouldn't like it and have fun with it, like I did. He needs a therapist and I need to be patient but that's becoming hard for me.

In both cases I sometimes think better about myself than the other one, because I don't (always) react like my instincts tell me or my parents taught me anymore. And I don't like that part of me. I only realise it afterwards and I can't bring myself to have compassion or patience. I feel like I have run out of patience with other people.

Any ideas, how I can get my patience back?

Hi anon,

First of all I'm sorry about what you've been through.

I hear you, it makes sense to struggle to sympathize with people who allow their fear to manifest into violence and oppressive behavior ("xphobic people"). It's simply logical to identify that those choices need reevaluation and work. but I think it's also important to remember that this can be hard for a lot of people, and unfortunately many people grow past that and take the leap towards self-work because it can be intimidating and overwhelming, as opposed to the layers of denial or comforting lies we tell ourselves that enable our destructive behavior.

But I think the situation is a bit different in context to your partner and how his history of abuse shapes his behavior and ability to cope. His trauma responses are not necessarily a choice. Healing also takes time, and it's possible that hes just not at a stage yet to grow beyond these things.

I think it can be useful to remember to have a more rehabilitative mindset rather than a punitive one. In other words, instead of looking at the situation through the red lens of frustration or perhaps even a level of negative reinforcement, it can be helpful to try on the green lens of patience and encouragement. It can also be effective to imagine how each of these lenses affect or change the outcome in terms of how your partner feels and/or heals.

But at the same time, to some degree, it's okay to run out of patience or compassion, because each of these qualities have a limited supply. I can apply this in terms to me providing patience, compassion, and emotional labor on this blog - I only have so much patience, compassion, and emotional labor before I have to take a break and recharge. That's okay. You can't have patience and compassion at all times.

Ultimately, please know that you don't have to stick around for someone's recovery. If the stage they're at is causing you harm, distress, or excessive frustration, consider that you're not obligated to stay.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw child abuse

[laurensliminalspace]

My experience with Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy and further thoughts on healing trauma

I’ve been reflecting recently on the difference between dealing with more acute PTSD and more long term trauma, as it seems to me that often they are quite different. Of course, there can be some overlap. 

In my experience, traumatic memories from childhood sometimes stayed in hibernation, till much later in life when they sprung into my consciousness in a visceral, overwhelming flashback. It’s not that I had forgotten the specific event or completely blocked it out. I could consciously recall it and talk about it previously (and often had done so with various therapists/bodyworkers) - it’s just that it didn’t have the intense traumatic emotions attached, until my bodymind was ready to feel it fully. 

Actually, sometimes I didn’t feel ready at all, but I guess on some level I must have been - or it would not have come to the surface.

My experience so far has been that deep bodywork and somatic therapy seems to be very good for dealing with long-held grief and trauma. In some cases it is not just grief and trauma from our own lives, but those of previous generations. Some reputable modalities in this field include somatic experiencing, hakomi, somatic practice, sensorimotor psychotherapy, deep brain reorienting, and more.  

However, my experience was also that when I experienced acute trauma flashbacks, sometimes I needed other tools. I found EFT tapping one of the most powerful, especially as I could easily use it on my own and with good friends. I liked that it felt so empowering, and I didn’t always need to do it with a therapist or practitioner. I know many also benefit from EMDR and brainspotting, though I have less experience with them. 

Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy has been one of the most life changing modalities for me, as it taught me for the first time what true embodiment really felt like. I feel like it was really foundational for me, before I was able to successfully engage in other modalities and therapies. 

Up until that point I had tried various techniques, but I didn’t really “get it” fully. My BCST practitioner was able to tune into me so well that she knew when I was connected to certain parts of my body, and when I was not. She knew when to push me to tune in more deeply - especially to my gut area, as I didn’t even realise I was that disconnected from it. 

She challenged me to deeper and deeper levels of embodiment and connectedness that I never knew was possible. At times it was incredibly blissful too, like lying in a pool of water, or resting in a womb. It is rare to experience such a deeply embodied, wholistic sense of bliss, so it was remarkable and profound.

My BCST practitioner also challenged me to be present with my pain. Not just emotional pain, mind you, but actual physical pain coursing through my body. At times it was very, very hard to stay with it, but I’m glad I did. I noticed during my sessions, I would often have random, past spontaneous memories pop into mind. Frequently they were not even bad or dramatic memories. Just random events or places I hadn’t thought about in months or even years. 

Another thing I noticed was that sometimes after the sessions, I would have intensely emotional trauma-fuelled nightmares. I didn’t know how to handle these at first, as sometimes they happened more than one night in a row. I decided to use EFT tapping, and tap on them as if the dreams were a real memory. I treated them like a trauma flashback, even if they were not actual events, but rather a conglomeration of past events and feelings. This worked very well, and once I figured this out, the dreams would stop and I felt better. 

It seems to me that in order to fully heal and resolve our trauma, we need a number of different tools and modalities to work with. There are so many different layers and dimensions of consciousness, that I don’t think it can be encompassed in any one tool or technique or modality. No one has all the answers! We also have unique minds and bodies, so what works well for one, may not for another.

I often found that what worked well at one stage of my journey did not work so well at a later stage, and vice versa. This can take a great deal of patience and experimentation, as well as learning to tune into your gut and intuition. It really is the journey of a lifetime, and we never really finish or “arrive”. I do feel like I’ve reached a point where I am more healed than broken overall, yet I know there is always something new to learn. 

#trauma #healingtrauma #ptsd #healingptsd #embodiment #craniosacraltherapy #craniosacral #biodynamic #healing #innerhealing #somatic #somatictherapy #bodywork