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thetaylorfiles · 4 years

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To your anon asking about TTB promises. She promised no second wedding, no male pronouns or male love interests on Lover, a coming out, Karlie leaving in August, no Josh at holidays, no way they go to awards, absolutely would she not include him in her documentary because it woul be about coming out. The list is rather long. The truth is people left over stopped calling her out on always being wrong. And every month for the last 2 years dont worry, its almost over the girls are fine.

Wow. Great memory.

Let’s list all of TTBs lies, promises and predictions that never came true. For posterity.

TTB promised there would be:

[[MORE]]

1. No Joshlie wedding. At all. And no second Joshlie wedding. (Both happened!)

- in fact the plan, according to TTB was: to gently introduce Kaylor to the public.

- announce engagement > call off engagement > have Taylor be seen providing emotional support to a heartbroken Karlie > after a while, explain that spending time together amid this upset made them realize they were more than just friends!

Oops. Never happened.

2. No male pronouns on Lover (several songs with male pronouns!)

3. No male love interests on Lover (clearly a male interest in Lover. And no, London Boy isn’t satire. It’s tongue in cheek)

4. Karlie being “free” in August each and every year. (and many, many more times)

5. No Josh at holidays.

(Yet somehow they seem to be together for thanksgiving and NYE and several Jewish holidays every single year.)

6. Joe and Taylor not attending awards shows together (so far they’ve attended: Golden Globes, Cats premiere, and NME awards)

7. Joe not being included in the documentary (Taylor literally runs into his arms backstage)

8. The documentary would be about Taylor coming out

I remember (and edited to add other peoples recollections)

9. Taylor was supposed to come out after Rep tour was over.

10. Taylor was supposed to come out the day she announced her new single “ME!” In fact, the announcement was meant to be her coming out, but instead was her new single.

11. Joe would be gone before Rep Tour

12. Joe would be gone after Rep Tour.

13. Joe would be gone before Lover Promo

14. Joe would be gone after Lover release.

15. Karlie would be free from Josh literally too many times to count. She always says that the contract is up in August. Then she says Karlie re-ups.

16. Taylor was going to come out on the last day of Pride month but scrapped those plans and instead released her statement about Scooter and Scott. That the masters changed everything so she couldn’t come out.

Now, had she intended to come out, and changed her mind that very last day upon learning of the master sales, she would’ve had to:

- add 4 new songs about a male

- chang all pronouns on lover from “her” to “him”

- remanufacturing every copy (how many DNAs did that need)

- create and chang diary entries

- all this would’ve had to be done whiles Taylor spent the first week of July with her friends on vacation. And while Karlie was on a yacht with Scooter, posting several instagrams documenting it.

- Then she went straight into filming ‘Lover’ video with a man. All this in a matter of a week or two, while on vacation, right before Lover came out. (Thanks to the anon for help!)

17. She claimed Karlie never followed Joe, when in fact, she did after K’s Rep concert. A week later, she unfollowed him. Also her sisters and Josh unfollowed Taylor in that same time frame.

18. She claims that when a beard wears blue, a breakup will occur and Taylor will be free of her contract. That Taylor plans it this way. TTB has said the inevitable breakup is going to happen when Joe wears blue numerous times yet this has never come to fruition.

19. Any time there is an article about Joshlie or Joe and Taylor, ttb claims its ALWAYS “seeding” a breakup. Yet, the breakup never, ever comes. (And no one in entertainment uses the phrase “seeding”. That’s a pure conspiracy theorist term. Like “crisis actor”).

20. She once promised a nervous anon that Josh and Karlie would never actually marry. They’d only be faux engaged to make it all seem real.

21. Claimed that Karlie and Josh didn’t go to New Zealand together over the New Year. Said Josh went alone and Karlie only flew in one day to take all the pics with him- in multiple clothing changes- to get all the pics necessary for the “stunt”. Even though everyone outside of Kaylorland already believes they’re a married couple and the “stunt” got zero publicity.

22. TTB claimed many times no beard would ever attend an important event or red carpet with Taylor. Then Joe went to the Golden Globes with her, then the Cats premiere, and then the NME awards. Oops! Wrong each and every time.

23. When Joe and Taylor vacationed in the Turks and Caicos TTB claimed Joe was flown in for a quick photoshoot and flown right back out. Except the next day, he was still there and there were new pictures.

24. Claimed for MONTHS after the Joshlie wedding that it was a “photoshoot”, not a wedding. That it would soon show up in Vogue. Then it was Vogue Brazil. (The wedding was never in a magazine)

25. She also claimed it was all a giant ad for Dior. The photoshoot would be one big advertisement for Dior. (The wedding was never an ad anywhere for Dior)

26. After several Vogue magazines came and went after, TTB claimed that Josh was having the article and photoshoot put on hold so that they could release it at a time that Trump made a big gaffe and Josh would need good press. The idea being that if Trump messes up, this somehow reflects badly on Josh, though it never has.

27. TTB and Kaylors claim that the reason why Karlie and Taylor stopped hanging out in public was so as not to tarnish Taylor’s reputation by being associated with Trump. Yet, Kelle went backstage at Rep after Trump was elected.

Anyone who knows about magazines or has seen the documentary The September Issue knows that the magazine layout is planned months in advance and articles and photo shoots are put in in a timely manner. Someone like Josh would have no bearing on getting to hold it back. (The wedding never showed up in any magazine and Trump made gaffes constantly).

28. TTB also claimed that they were no longer being seen in public anymore so that the public would start to ask and wonder why they weren’t “friends” anymore. Which would “seed” a coming out story.

29. Ttb claims she’ll have definitive proof this Monday, 9/7/20/, in the form of “tea” she’s been dangling in front of her followers for months now, that will prove the existence of Kaylor.

And she posted a submission that proved absolutely nothing! Just a screenshot of Karlies insta story from May that shows the reflection of one open white umbrella and one closed white umbrella. Apparently Taylor has two white umbrella near her pool in Beverly Hills. Ttb believes this is definitive proof that Karlie and Taykor have been together in LA for months.

This was wholly underwhelming and easily disputable. Taylor’s jet has been in Utah, with Joe posting a few pics of him hiking there. Her jet has also been in RI. Then the jet went to England. While the jet doesn’t prove Taylor wasn’t in BH the whole time, it sure does make it much more likely than a reflection in glass of an umbrella.

30 TTB claims that josh posted an Instagram on 9/3 of a sunset to indicate the sun setting on his relationship with Karlie. A message sent to Kaylors. No divorce as of yet!

31. Going along with the above, TTB also claimed that she expects Joshlie to announce their divorce on 9/4/20 because it’s the slowest in the news cycle. A Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend. Yet, no divorce news and Trump calling fallen soldiers “lovers and suckers” is dominating the headlines.

32. Prior to the Kushner biography being released TTB predicted/promised that it would mention Josh’s homosexual proclivities in some way: the bearding or Mikey. And at the very least, it would paint him to be the giant criminal that she claims he is.

Instead it did nothing of the sort. It only talked about how strong his love for Karlie was. That despite his parents being unkind and unaccepting to her for several years, he stuck it out with her. It also addressed her conversion to Judaism.

33. Ttb likes to claim that Karlie never converted to Judaism. She says that because Karlie has never spoken the exact words “I converted” that it means she hasn’t. Despite the fact that many Jewish people have told her that when Karlie told Andy Cohen that she “joined the tribe” that, was, in fact, how Jewish people say they converted.

Karlie has also spoken at length in interviews and her own musings about her conversion. Ttb still refutes this and sometimes will post anons who write in questionable and anti Semitic references.

34. There was a period of time where TTB claimed that Josh needed Karlie as a beard in order to get an inheritance from an old aunt of his. This aunt stipulated in their will that he MUST be married to a woman in order to collect the money. Shockingly (to no one) TTB started claiming this right after josh and Karlie got married.

A few months later, the aunt and the inheritance disappeared never to be spoken of again. Which was absurd to begin with considering Josh is reportedly worth $800 million. Which could be off considerably, but even if it is? Even if he’s only worth $100 million? Yeah, he’s good. He doesn’t need an aunts inheritance.

35. These days (September of 2020) TTB is claiming that Karlie is staying with Josh in the contact for bearding willingly. This is a drastic change of narrative from years past when she claimed he was essentially blackmailing her to stay. For the Aunt inheritance, for not telling the world her and Taylor’s secrets, etc.

**** this hasn’t been updated in a few months. It’s now Dec. 1st. I’ll do my best to fill in a couple more below soon. There’s been a handful or two of lies that need to be recorded.****

36. People Mag announces that sources close to Karlie say she’s pregnant with Josh’s kid. Ttb refuses to believe it until Karlie herself confirms it, though in the past she has specifically stated that People is the one mag you can trust as publicists use it as a vehicle to get the truth out about their client.

36. Ttb stated emphatically and multiple times that IF Karlie is pregnant it CANNOT be a Kaylor baby because it would not tarnished by having a Kushner last name and being tied to that “organized crime” family. Nope. Taylor is in no way involved.

And now that Karlie has confirmed the pregnancy, what do uou know? Ttb conveniently changes her time, forgets all she’s said in the past and seems to be firmly on the “oh, it’s totally a Karlie/Tayklor baby. I thought so all along”.

Now, Karlie is there willingly. And when an anon asked whyC her answer was “it’s all part of the narrative.” As if that’s a sufficient answer.

37. TTB said Joe and Taylor’s career paths would never intertwine.

And now they’ve written 5 songs together. One on which he played the piano too.

There’s a lot more especially about Karlies pregnancy but I don’t have the time or energy to fill it in right now. Back soon to do it.

Anyone else remember anything specific? Let’s come up with a comprehensive list.

#taytaysbeard #ttb #ttbs lies #taytaysbeards lies #pinned post

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apexart-journal · 3 years

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Tasha Dougé, Day 12

Today started bright and early with a Landmark Commission Public Hearing. There were 10 locations on the agenda. The first one was the Kimlau War Memorial. The minute I heard the name, I was like I know that memorial. It brought me right back to Day 4. I got to hear more history about the memorial, but it was nice to hear people talk about the impact the memorial has on them. I heard individual stories from people reflecting on how their families migrated to the States for the American Dream, while others shared how representation matters to them and how they show up in community. If was clear that the memorial’s presence impacts them and adds immense value to the community. Now my memory of the that area is infused with their stories. The Landmark Commission will convene again on June 15th to make a decision. I hope it gets approved.

Next, I was supposed to head over to the Park Slope Center for Successful Aging. NYCares partners up with them to deliver meals to seniors. I called to let them know I was running late, but I was informed that they already distributed all the food and didn’t need any more volunteers. Dang that was quick. I asked what was their schedule for delivering food. I was told Tuesdays and Thursday. I said thanks. In my mind, I made a mental note to let Abbie know what happened and try to get this back on my schedule. Sad I missed it, but the day still had much to offer me. Next stop, Prospect Park.

I’ve been to Prospect Park a few times, but had no idea how nice the park was. If I was going to an event, that was exactly what I did. I would beeline my way to the event’s location, not paying any true attention to my surroundings. Nor did I think to look up what was actually in the park. So my trip today was a scavenger hunt to find the Camperdown Elm (tree) and the Quaker cemetery, all while staying open to whatever else I discovered. Early on in my walk to these places, I walked under this gorgeous underpass. I couldn’t help myself, I just had to take a pic. I didn’t think it was possible, but I think walking through it was some sort of time travel because I look even younger. Forty where? (Not in my face, but in my knees. lol) The Camperdown Elm was located a few steps away from the underpass. It looks like something out of a fairytale. It gave me Chronicles of Narnia vibes. Mr. Tumnus, are you there? If you get the reference, know that I love you. Anyhoo, the Camperdown Elm is special because its branches grow parallel to the ground. Its branches are really do majestic. I was definitely getting Ferngully vibes. (I love that movie! Avatar is like the people version to me.) It was almost cut down, but through the efforts of an artist/poet, Marianne Moore, the elm was saved. The poem she wrote about the tree is renowned. Not to far from the elm is the boathouse. There was a bride getting professional pictures taken and I could see why. Absolutely gorgeous! I could have stayed by the water for much longer than I did. I watched the momma swan and her babies, and the turtles sunbathing on a log further out. The moment was serene and tranquil and much more. Abbie called me back and we caught up. We sorted everything out with my schedule for the remainder of my time. Thursday, I would go deliver food to the seniors and Abbie said finally get to kayaking. I mentioned since I had a gap in my schedule and the weather was clear, I would try today. She said go for it. I continued on my walk until I got to the Quaker cemetery. It’s closed to the public and it made think that maybe they was silence in death as well. Doesn’t look like there will be any music clubs happening here. En route back to the train station, I passed by the boathouse again and you won’t believe what I saw. A Black-crowned Night Heron!!! You already know that I took a picture. I immediately thought about Marlys and how she is going to love hearing about this. For me to see this bird again (in a different park), what were the odds? I just had to look up the symbolism of the heron. Here are some clips of what I found:

“Heron symbolism is important because the heron meaning refers to tranquility and stillness for us humans. We need to understand these two elements well if we wish to recognize the opportunities in life... Primarily, the bird is a symbol of beauty because it prospers and flourishes in the majestic realm where the land and shore dance in a symphony. The result is a wondrous spectacle. The marriage of the two elegant energies of water and land is included in the meaning of herons. The heron shows us the abundance of life in the sea, for when we see the peace, contentment, and tranquility that the heron finds at the edge of the waters, we are assured of the plethora of life present inside the waters.”

The link says so much more that resonates with this moment, where I am in my life and what the future holds for me. God, Universe, Ancestors, Lwas and other deities, I hear you and I receive it. Thank you Prospect Park. Now I really want to go to the water. Kayaking here I come. Unfortunately, my excitement to be on the water was met with a closed gate. How sway? No rain and still no kayaking. At least, I tried. It was disappointing for sure. I’ve kayaked on the Hudson before, but it was so long ago. I was really looking forward to doing again. The Sunset Mediation was exactly what I needed to settle this day.

Socrates is my park homie. My sister actually moved to Astoria about 4 years ago. Once she got her dog, we frequented the park more often. However, never have I ever participated in mediation in the park. There was a decent size group in the park. As per the name, the sun was setting and that meant the temperature was dropping. The facilitator had a mic, but they were barely audible. To be honest, it didn’t matter because we were there to be still and mediate. The coolness of the grass sent electricity through my body and then, there was calm. My calm did get interrupted with some of the city sounds. Yet, after the city listening exercise, I was able to incorporate some, not all, of the sounds into my mediation. The session ends at the same time as the park, so with about 20 mins remaining, the park attendant started to announce that the park was closing soon. He did so again 10 minutes later. With the remaining time, the facilitator asked that we turn to our neighbors and chat for a bit through intros and reflections on how we went. The folks next to me paired off really quickly, but two women called me over to join them. There names were Morgan and Jenna. They were nice folks from the neighborhood. We shared what brought us to meditation. I told about the residency, but not my art. lol. It was a good mini convo. We left each other saying that we may see each other again. Calm and coldish, I headed on my way and that was the end of my day.

#TashaDouge LocalNYC #Tasha Dougé #LocalNYC

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adamantiumstar · 4 years

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D&D Creeper

Alright, so you guys know I don’t make personal posts, but this is something I need people to see.

So I recently started playing D&D, using D&D Beyond and Discord to play with a group online. There were four party members including myself and the DM, who goes by Arbiter_Devour on D&DB. Now, I’m not subtle about being asexual, and even less subtle about being romantically attracted to girls, so by the end of the first session it was pretty common knowledge that I’m the Local Gay.

A few days after the first session, I get this message from the DM:

(edited to remove my name and profile pic)

For clarity, he did NOT send a d*ck pic. I can’t tell if he would have had I not responded immediately, but I did not want to run the risk.

As you can see, it’s deeply inappropriate, and he wouldn’t take my initial reaction seriously.

I didn’t want to start any unnecessary drama, and I liked playing with the rest of the group, so I settled for setting strict boundaries and letting it slide this once.

He also tried to mansplain and downplay the message he sent me. In hindsight, I can tell he didn’t take me seriously at all, but at the time I was willing to let that go.

After a few hours I still felt weird about it, and realised that if I kept this quiet I would be in a vulnerable position, so I sent these screenshots to a close friend of mine. His response was to tell me to share it with the group immediately, but again, I didn’t want to cause unnecessary trouble, and I was worried that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. My friend and I did agree that I should let the DM know that a repeat of this wouldn’t be accepted, just to make my stance on this behaviour unquestionable. If this happened again, I would post the screenshots in the Discord server we were using. This is what happened:

Once again, I tried to be as civil as possible while asserting my stance. You can see that he got defensive, again trying to downplay his own actions and taking no responsibility. He also initially misread my message, thinking I had already put them in the group chat, and tried to convince me I was overreacting.

For extra fun, also notice that I reminded him that I am asexual, and that he put the word in quotation marks. I love it when people refuse to take my sexual orientation seriously.

I also explained that I have been harassed before, which he also put in quotation marks. What a great dude *heavy sarcasm*. I love that for me.

Another course of action my friend and I agreed on was to contact the other female member of the group (who I’ll call Katya here), to see if he had sent this to her as well. To be honest, if he had I would have published the screenshots there and then.

Thankfully, Katya hadn’t received anything from him, but she agreed that it was creepy. She made sure I was ok, asked me if I was still good to play the next session, and asked me if she could tell her friend, who was also in the group (I said ok). The second session went through without any problems, thankfully.

A couple of days ago, I was chatting to one of the other members of the group (who I’ll refer to as Alex), when we realised that the server was gone. Alex messaged the DM, but he was vague and neither of us trusted him to be honest, so I reached out to some people in the group who had just left. I won’t go into detail, as this isn’t for me to share, but suffice it to say that the DM and his friends were being disrespectful and refusing to take accountability. Sounds very familiar. Obviously, he had lied to Alex about the situation as well.

At this point, I also decided to message the last member of our group (I’ll call him Kent), to inform him of the whole situation. He was pissed about what had happened, and was more than ready to kick the DM out and just find a new one, which we all agreed to.

So yeah, that’s the situation. I told my sister about it as well and she was just about ready to kill the guy. So the moral is: If you use D&D Beyond, look out for Arbiter_Devour. Do not play with him. He’s a horrible person who has managed to lose all of his campaigns within two weeks, and if you’re a woman he is a threat to you. He lives in the CST zone in the US, but the group I’m in us UK based.

To close out, just a quick safety reminder: Be careful who you talk to online. Trust your instincts; if they tell you something is off, run. If you get a message like I did from anyone in your group, put your foot down, make it public. Leave if you don’t feel safe. Don’t give them your real name if you can help it (I gave the people in my group a nickname that sounds nothing like my real one).

Be careful, stay safe, and most importantly, protect each other.

#d&d #d&d beyond #d&db #creepy creeper who creeps #harassment warning #harassment cw #harassment tw #yay i love it when men are creepy to me #ada speaks

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mikami · 5 years

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Death Note Audio Drama 02

Disk 2: Collateral Damage - a summary / partial translation

Disk 1 and an attempted explanation of What This Is are here.

This episode also isn’t particularly wild as far as plot diversion goes, but it changes a key element of how Death Note manipulation works and.... introduces a whole lot of Matsuda trivia, somehow. We also say hi and bye to Naomi.

___________________

We begin with Naomi tracking down the bus driver of the busjacking. The driver is really annoyed that people keep tracking him down to ask him about it. Naomi asks about Raye. (Her vacation pic is from Honolulu in this version). Naomi presses the driver to tell her as much as he remembers about the other passengers.

_____

TITLE MUSIC PLAYS

_____

We’re back in time. Light is trying to think about how to get Raye Penber’s name. His dad’s computer has no notes about it. Light deduces that his dad doesn’t even know about the tailing. Ryuk brings up the eye deal.

RYUK: I can offer you the eyes of a shinigami.

LIGHT: U-uh, you mean a real pair of eyes? That’s disgusting!!

RYUK (amused): No, I just mean the power of those eyes.

The lifespan halving gets brought up and Light just goes “uhm... no thanks”, literally.

LIGHT: Are there any more surprises? Some kind of bonus point system? Fine print?

RYUK: Uuuuuhm, can’t think of anything much right now.

LIGHT: You could have written it into the Death Note, alongside the other rules. I don’t like to be led by the nose, I’m not your goddamn----

RYUK: ... what?

LIGHT: I am not your puppet.... But I can get one for myself.

RYUK: I don’t get it.

LIGHT: I know now, how to get my pursuer’s name. And that’s without making any kind of contract with you.

_______

A TV transmission. An attorney has issued a lawsuit against prisons for the way prisoners die. His client died of heart attack after writing a pentagram in his own blood. He was close to being pardoned. The lawyer says that the government has a duty to ensure safety of the prisoners, no matter what they are in for.

_______

L and Soichiro discuss the murder and other abnormal murders like it. They have Soichiro be the one to discover the “L did you know” message, oddly. But they don’t really detail how it is coded, so it might have just literally been written down word by word in this version. L tells Soichiro to not tell anyone about this, not even his team. Soichiro immediately says he’ll only keep it in her personal data files.......

_______

RYUK: Are you really sure you should snoop around your dad’s office like this?

LIGHT: If you want a useful way to keep your eyes busy, why don’t you keep watch?

RYUK: I am not your partner. Oh, an apple. [eats]

LIGHT: Luckily, I can do just fine without your help. A-ha! Interpol listed them all!

RYUK: All your extremely dramatic deaths?

LIGHT: More or less. Seems like not all I wrote into the notebook actually happened.

They go over the stipulations of manipulation needing to be physically doable for the victim.

LIGHT: And now I just need... a catalyst.

_______

News transmission. A news entry about the killer of the Amane parents having died. Channel switch. A Christmas-themed advertisement for Space Land. Channel Switch. A news feature about Kiichiro Osoreda and his failed bank robbing.

______

Light meets Yuri and Yuri’s dialogue is kept pretty accurate to the manga, which is something that I found really disappointing actually. Light’s and Ryuk’s dialogue here is also very close to the original.

Raye Penber complains that he’d like to do real policework at some point again, otherwise he acts the same as in the manga here.

The whole busjacking is just really manga-close. But when Raye says he’s police undercover...

LIGHT: Oh, really? And how do I know you’re not in cahoots with this madman?

PENBER: And who are you? A detective?

YURI: His dad is a detective, that’s why he’s so smart.

LIGHT: Do you have ID? Otherwise I’ll have to deal with you first.

PENBER: Of course! Here.

LIGHT: Raye Penber... FBI? What is the FBI doing on a bus to Space Land?

PENBER: This isn’t really the time for that, boy.

LIGHT: Alright, cowboy, then toss your lasso already.

I cannot overstate that he literally says this. Word by word. After that, the scene returns to its canon version. The bizarre thing is that Ryuk explains the plan out loud, including telling Light’s name to Otoharada. Of course, Otoharada is brainwashed and acting according to script, but still weird.

_______

News transmission. The busjacking gets described. Light turns the news off and shows the Death Note entry to Ryuk, who reads it out loud.

______

We hear a New Year’s countdown.

WATARI: What in Hercules’ name was that?

INTERPOL REP (still clinking champagne glasses): It’s the time difference, Mr. Watari! It’s midnight, here in the USA.

WATARI: Oh... I am so very sorry. I must have lost my overview.

INTERPOL REP: Forget about it. Just a moment.

She leaves the party room. She informs Watari of the deceased FBI agents. It happened three days ago, but she only got the report now, thanks to the holiday crunch. She now refuses to involve the FBI further.

______

Soichiro calls L. He’s pissed about L involving the FBI, now that he’s heard.

______

Back with Watari and the Interpol Rep (her name is Paula Virilio and she’ll be referred to as Virilio in the future) are still talking about the matter. She tells Watari that on Dec 28th all the agents asked about names and photos of their coworkers, so she gave the first four the file and asked them to pass it further.

______

Soichiro is really mad about Virilio’s miss-step too. L and Soichiro work out that they need to know who sent the first email about the files. The phone call ends.

The Task Force is really mad about L still not taking the same risks as them. They actually seriously consider L being Kira for a moment.

______

The Task Force enter the hotel L is staying in. Pardon me for sometimes just saying ‘someone’ as the speaker, I find the Task Force really hard to tell about and without context cues I am often lost.

MATSUDA: A whole hotel suite? How do you earn the money for this stuff?

L: By being smarter than everyone else, Detective Matsuda.

MATSUDA: You are... [He corrects himself from the formal ‘you’ used to address adults to informal ‘you’ here] You are L....?

L: The one. Please sit down, gentlemen.

MATSUDA: He’s still a child...

L (laughs): I am old enough to vote, Mr. Matsuda. Old enough to carry a weapon, to marry, to fall in love... and to catch a murderer. And you are Chief Inspector Yagami. I also know you from TV.

SOICHIRO: Yes, here’s my ID, for protocol. This is Matsuda, as you know. Detectives Aizawa, Ukita, Mogi...

L: A group of dead men.

SOICHIRO: Excuse me, what?

L: If I really was Kira, you’d all be dead now.

MATSUDA: How can we know that, boy?

L: Because you are not dead, detective.

MATSUDA: We call that kind of thing circular logic.

L: I call someone like you an idiot.

MATSUDA: I don’t need to listen to this from a civilian, you little shitty---

SOICHIRO (softly): Matsuda.

L: You name is Touta Matsuda. Graduated from Kumamoto University. Passion for sports cars and every Thursday, you go to the cinema. Big drama. Not in a relationship right now, but in pining hope for something complicated with Noriko Takai. Hm. A very concerning sympathy for both [???? I DONT KNOW THE WORD] as well as country music. Loves Korean cuisine, but....

SOMEONE: He’s got your number, Matsuda.

MATSUDA: So what? You all can easily figure out the same from social media.

L: Yeah, that’s what I can do. Everything. About you, and your sister, and your stupid aunt who doesn’t know how to properly set the privacy settings of her account. I know where you live, you tool--

SOICHIRO: I think we got it, L.

L: Really? Kira plays this game to win. I agreed to meet you, because you were all getting nervous about working with an anonymous specialist, so I am here. To get my hands as dirty as yours. But really, is this necessary...?

SOICHIRO: What do you want, L?

L: I want you to take this seriously.

SOMEONE: In the face of 12 dead agents, matters are serious enough, I think.

L: Correct, so you take care to not become number 13. All of you have to disappear. Get off social media, get new email accounts. If you address the public or the press, you will introduce yourself with these names. You are not going to tell anyone your real names. That’s exactly why I am still alive.

And this is how we get the fake IDs.

_____

Naomi at the NPA. The receptionist refuses to let her speak to anybody from the Task Force. Light steps in, to hand in the spare clothes for his dad. His dialogue with Naomi is similar to the manga, but audio drama Light’s insistence and volunteering of excessively much info he shouldn’t have.... it makes me laugh.

LIGHT: And you are looking for my father?

NAOMI: Uh, yeah, I--

LIGHT: I can tell you’re up to speed, miss. You’re definitely correct to not just tell your matter to the next best person. Especially after those FBI murders. We’re all suspects, am I right?

NAOMI: U-uh, I didn’t say that---

LIGHT: If you’d like, I’d gladly get you in contact with my father. I’ll get through to him, even if he usually rejects calls.

RYUK: Take the bait, missy, take it...

NAOMI: Would that be alright, u-uh, Light?

RYUK: Aaand, bullseye!

LIGHT: Why don’t we take this conversation somewhere else?

RYUK: There’s just too many video cams here.

LIGHT: As long as we don’t know how Kira kills his victims, I’d suggest a less public place.

_______

LIGHT: Okay, where were we? My name is Yagami. Light Yagami.

NAOMI: Shouko Maki.

RYUK: And my name is Ryuk, but you’re not actually able to see or hear me.

LIGHT: I think Kira is capable of more than simply killing people. It seems as if he could influence their actions before their deaths.

NAOMI: I think the same. And here I thought I was alone with it. Yes, he can control people before he kills them. But that’s not all. He can also kill them through other means than heart attacks.

RYUK: Who is this little snooper?

LIGHT: Should that be the case, we might be facing even more murders than thought. There are cases that haven’t been considered in connection to Kira yet.

NAOMI: Exactly. Those might be cases Kira hoped would stay secret. I am fairly sure that someone... someone I know... has met Kira.

LIGHT: Hah. It might be hard to get someone to believe this statement.

NAOMI: That’s why I came in person to explain the circumstances of the case.

LIGHT: Wouldn’t it be even more convincing if your friend told his own story?

NAOMI: He can’t. He was one of the murdered agents.

RYUK: Oh, now it’s getting interesting.

NAOMI: He was my fiancé. He told me that he got involved in this busjacking. By now, I assume that Kira was on that bus as well.

RYUK: She’s talking about Raye Penber, wow.

NAOMI: Something wrong?

LIGHT: Why are you assuming that Kira was on the bus?

NAOMI: Name and face of the culprit were on the media day by day. He was on the run after a totally miscalculated bank robbing. And then, 8 days later, shortly after Christmas... My fiancé dies. Together with his 11 colleagues.

LIGHT: The connection seems vague to me.

RYUK: What he wants to say is.... perfect match.

NAOMI: Something must have happened there. I think that my fiancé and the culprit were used by Kira to get to the other 11 agents.

LIGHT: The culprit was hit by a car, it wasn’t a heart attack. This is how you got to the conclusion that Kira can control actions?

NAOMI: Yes.

LIGHT: That seems pretty far fetched.

RYUK: It really isn’t, lady.

NAOMI: Even the first time I heard of the busjacking, the circumstances seemed strange to me. I kept asking my fiancé questions, I basically interrogated him to tell me the story again and again.

LIGHT: And... what was his story?

______

We flash back to Naomi and Raye talking. Both of their voices are tense.

RAYE: Yes, I showed my ID to one of the passengers, okay?! Are you happy now?

NAOMI: You shouldn’t have done that!

RAYE: I know that! It was complicated. The guy wouldn’t have cooperated without me proving that I’m a cop.

NAOMI: You were undercover, Raye!

RAYE: Stop that! You weren’t there.

NAOMI: You had explicit order to not blow your cover.

RAYE: And you are the only person who knows I have done that. If you don’t tell anybody, nobody will ever know.

NAOMI: But I am not the only one. Isn’t that right? We still don’t know how Kira finds and executes his victims. You can’t afford even a single misstep.

RAYE: You’d probably prefer he’d shot all the passengers then.

NAOMI: Ugh, Raye, that’s not the point---

RAYE (hitting the table): Of course that is exactly the point!!

______

LIGHT: This whole situation isn’t free of emotions.

NAOMI: So?

LIGHT: I just want to make sure your feelings aren’t influencing your analysis skills.

RYUK: Which are working quite excellently.

NAOMI: Hey, you. I was a special agent with several decorations before I gave up my career to marry Raye. I’m not just some random brat.

LIGHT: I agree with you, the suspicion warrants a closer inspection.

They keep talking, Light himself brings out the deduction that the person Raye identified himself to was Kira.

______

We’re with Ukita on phone duty. Someone who thinks they are Kira is calling. Ukita is already pretty annoyed, even before the guy talks of other hallucinations. He hangs up quickly.

_______

SOICHIRO: is it important?

MATSUDA: No, boss. Ukita is just whining again. He doesn’t want to be on phone duty anymore. He texted: “When do I get a hotel suite with 24/7 room service?”

SOMEONE: Does he think we’re just chilling here?

SOMEONE: Probably. Uhm, do you want the final shrimp?

SOMEONE: Take it.

They then move on to talk about surveillance footage of the FBI agent deaths. They have footage from 3 deaths, one of them is Raye Penber. They have the most material on him. They realize he’s done more than a full round on the Yamanote line. They also notice him having an envelope that disappears. They conclude Kira was on the train, receiving it.

______

Light makes his first attempt to kill Naomi, same cause of death as in the manga. Naomi wants to go back to the NPA building now. Light comes with her, as he notices she isn’t dying.

_____

Ukita on the phone again. Akiko Misora is calling about her daughter Naomi being misses. Ukita is pretty annoyed (”Oh really? Was she kidnapped by aliens or something?”). Akiko explains that Naomi came to Japan with her fiancé, but he died and shortly after Naomi also fell out of contact. Akiko complains about how much paperwork getting the ashes to the US was, and says how charming Raye was and how good his Japanese was...... Ukita wants to get rid of her, until Akiko tells him Raye’s name.

____

The Task Force discusses Naomi’s existence and disappearance. She left her hotel at Dec. 29th and has been missing since. They all suspect that Naomi, being an ex-agent, has started her own investigation. But they also worry someone found her.

_____

Light explains to Naomi that the Kira team doesn’t meet with people on principle, because of the risk. He calls them ‘us’ and Naomi picks up on it, leading Light to explain he is a member of the task force. (Ryuk: “And if you believed that one, you might as well buy a fake Rolex of him now.”) Light invites Naomi to the team, like in the manga. Naomi does a lot of nervous laughing in this scene, but she does give him her real ID.

______

The task force think about Naomi, and her existence in connection to Raye being the first one to send an email to Virilio. They decide to place cameras and bugs in the houses of those who were investigated by Raye. It’s the families of Kitamura and Yagami.

______

Light writes Naomi’s name down again, this time her real one. They walk together some more. Light points out that Naomi doesn’t just want to investigate but also to hear the full story about Raye’s death.

NAOMI: I already knew on the day of that something was wrong. Raye was acting really strangely. He got up and left, without a word. He even forgot his cellphone.

LIGHT: Oh, is that unusual?

NAOMI: I followed him downstairs. He was at the reception and made them print something for him. I gave his phone to him, but he said nothing at all. He was so.. empty.

LIGHT: Distracted?

NAOMI: ... empty. Not a smile, not a kiss. He took the phone and left. At the time I still thought ‘well, maybe an order’. Next thing you know, the police arrives at the hotel. Asked me to come with them... identify the body. I have no idea what happened in the final hours of his life.

LIGHT: I do. I know the details of Raye Penber’s death down to the very last second.

NAOMI: I haven’t even told you his full name yet...

LIGHT: He entered the station via the west entrance. Past the street musician who always plays there. He passed the ticket entrance at 11 past 3. He went down to the Yamanote line, in the direction of Kanda.

NAOMI: I don’t understand... That’s only too stations if you directly take the Chuo line. Why this giant detour?

LIGHT: Because someone was waiting for him. The Yamanote line is the perfect place for a meeting. It has stops everywhere and nowhere.

_____

We launch into a flashback to the Yamanote line. Light walks up to Raye and greets him, but Raye does not answer him. Light introduces himself at more depth, even using his full name and calling himself Kira right after. Raye continues to not answer. Ryuk realizes that Raye cannot answer because that is how Light has written it down. Light keeps chatting, explaining his plan to Raye. On the train, he makes Raye watch as he writes the names of all his colleagues. He also touches Raye with the notebook, to let him see Ryuk. Raye can’t do anything.

____

LIGHT: Well, Naomi, I’m afraid Raye was just sitting there. His eyes widened a little. Panicked, you know?

RYUK: Yes, panic just about cuts it. Just like the face you are making right now, darling.

LIGHT: But he couldn’t move. Just like you right now. I was quite precise with my orders, you see?

Light continues to explain that he needed the names of the other agents and that he can do anything to people whose names he has.

_____

The task force discusses the family surveillance further. Light says the chance of Kira being among those people is 5%, but this is their only lead. Soichiro tells L to be thorough with his surveillance, like in the manga.

_____

LIGHT: All Raye could do was sit there until the time was ripe. And then get up...

RYUK: Without a word, Naomi. Silent like a fish.

LIGHT: And he left the train at Kanda station.

RYUK: And then he died.

LIGHT: Right on the platform, so to say.

RYUK: He extended his hand like in a bad movie. As if he wanted to say ‘I am cursing you’ or something.

LIGHT: And thus, Raye Penber died. I find it regrettable.

RYUK: Because he wasn’t a murderer. Which you also aren’t, Naomi. Just wrong place, wrong time... Collateral damage.

LIGHT: But I think you understand, Naomi, that I can’t leave you alive, if I want to keep working. I know you want to move, to hit me. I know that you wish above all else to take the gun out of your pocket. But none of that will happen, because I already put your final moments into motion. And that means I’m the one who’s in power here.

Ryuk asks what she’ll do. Light explains that he wrote the same conditions as on the first try, about her suicide.

LIGHT: So Naomi, I think you know what to do. Now go.

RYUK: And there she went. A woman with a mission.

LIGHT: Hey, Naomi! Want me to call my dad? Still want to talk to him, tell him everything you learned today? Hm? .... and she just keeps walking.

RYUK: She didn’t even say goodbye. I hope it was worth it. This new direction you’ve taken, it’s going to change everything.

LIGHT: What new direction?

RYUK: Now you’re no longer simply a criminal. You’re a police killer.

#death note #light yagami #l lawliet #naomi misora #touta matsuda #audio drama translations

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cereittanyprincess15 · 6 years

Photo

It was my mom’s birthday on the 13th, so I decided very last minute to make her an edit of the whole family ❤ She and dad really really liked it, so there’s a frameless version that’s going to be printed out to frame for real /)w(\ Below the cut is a TON of info about each person and who they’re played by, as well as the photos in the back, and in a bit I’ll make a separate post for them because they’re so small. I had to just keep lengthening the composition so everyone could fit in fully, and in the end I made the background myself because my sister said the shot I had didn’t look like our house at all so I thought might as well go 100%.

My family from left to right:

Me :D - Played by Ariel (with Sophie’s body). This is the first time I’ve actually made myself in full as an edited character! I tried for the first time with Elsa, but as I never even tried to attempt to change her body size (I’m a Round Boy™) I was never really happy with using it as a real representation. Despite my failed attempts at plumping up Ariel’s face without it looking weird so it still looks more like her than me, I’m really happy with this second attempt, so there I am with all my necklaces and my fav anime shirt and new glasses. I’m holding my brother’s cat Punkin (played by Sargent Tibbs, I love her more than he does though no matter how many times he argues), complete with overly large pupils and her infernal cone that everyone said I had to include.

Dad - Played by Vlad. First of all he disclaims that he’s not that round, but I also didn’t make his hair as gray as it really is, so he can live with the trade-off lol Vlad is a very round man so I had to try slimming his face a bunch to match my dad’s more rectangular head, and I totally got his eye colour wrong the first time woops and also forgot his wedding ring. When I showed mom the edit for the first time dad was wearing that exact sweater so I think I made a good clothing choice. He’s holding my sister’s cat, Tigger (played by Duchess), who is in character because she’s glaring at Punkin, whom she despises even after 10+ years of living together. My sister wanted me to add her stripes, but I felt like that was a bit too much to try and match (despite going all out for Punkin’s tail and freckles...).

Mom - Played by Annie Hughes. At first I was going to make her a video tribute as a present, but at the thought of showing me and my siblings growing up with her I got all emotional and turns out making her character had the same result. (insert gif of Wreck-It Ralph yelling ‘I LOVE MY MAMA!!’ here oh man) I was so glad she liked her animated self and was happy I chose that top cause she really likes that shirt and she looks beautiful in it but when doesn’t she look beautiful? Answer: never, she’s always beautiful.

My brother: Played by Hercules. The youngest and yet also the tallest, there was only ever one dude who could play my bro, and seriously the amount of times dad said that the edit looked just like him was hilarious. When I first asked him if he wanted to be in the edit he straight up said no, but his gf was there with him and she said yes so she could be Meg, so he relented. He laughed when he saw that he was wearing his OPPAI shirt and gave me his approval, which is really good because he’s never into my editing.

My sister: Played by Jane (with Nani’s body). She said it was out of character for her to be smiling every single time I showed her a WIP. Making her was hard because she specifically wanted to be played by an anime boy to match her true character, but I refused because this is a non/disney edit, so this is as close as I could get her. I was going to give her galaxy tights cause she loves wearing them, but once we picked out her shirt she said ‘no I have to be wearing my gray pants’ because all her outfits are delicately coordinated so even in this she had to match.

The photos from left to right:

My past cats: Iggy is played by Oliver, and Simon is played by one of the Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp, I have no idea which one it is but the pose was perfect. So while repainting Iggy (who I personally call Babe because I would always quoted this scene whenever he walked away from me) I got really close to crying. He was really sick all the time and had to be put down years ago, I wanna say over five, and I still miss him all the time. Simon (when I called him Bubby in front of my bro he said ‘when did you ever call him that?!’ and didn’t believe me when I said the whole time) we only had for a short while, allegedly only 6 months, but I loved that cat so much; he was a really good cat with a bad tendency to jump up onto the counter to chill with me when I did the dishes and my parents thought that of course was Bad, so they eventually sent him away to live with someone else. Because it was so long ago I never got any pictures of him (only one on my old slide phone which is dead now) so I don’t even know how accurate this edit is, but I hope wherever he is he’s still going strong and is loved ;w;

My parents’ wedding: Played by Sinbad and Cinderella. My parents have this beautifully hand drawn portrait of them on their wedding that they used to hang in the living room but it’s in their room now, and I wanted to try and reference it as a bit of background decor. In the actual portrait they’re just standing there smiling, so I thought it’d be more romantic to make it a kiss.

My bro and his gf: Seeing as she definitely wanted to be Meg but didn’t understand when I asked what details she’d like to be present in her edit I had a bit more free reign with her, and my bro doesn’t hate it so it’s a win for me. I only had memory to go off when making her, and seeing as Meg is so curvy I had to repaint half her face to even her out, unlike my bro where I just had to fix his ears and nose. She lives two hours away so I hope she likes how her pic turned out whenever she gets the chance to see it.

#my edits #disney #crossover #I'm so happy with how this turned out it took five days but it was worth it

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acsversace-news · 6 years

Link

June 1995, Milan. Gianni Versace "casually" informs Donatella that he's "arranged an interview" with The Advocate. When she doesn't react, he mumbles, "For gay readers." "To say what?", she asks challengingly. "That the built-ins on this season of ACS are as envy-making as your stereotypically Versace pink butterfly blazer is hideous," Gianni does not say, although he could,

because these floor-to-ceiling jobs make me want to book a ticket to Italy like now. Mystifyingly, there is no sideways-rolling ladder with which to reach tomes on the higher shelves, but of course this isn't the point of the scene; the point is that Gianni has never said in so many words that he's gay, and that Donatella doesn't think he should do so "to print, to publish." Antonio D'Amico smirks as Donatella picks up her cigarettes and crisply points out that she handles publicity for the company. Gianni shrugs disingenuously that it's not about her, but Donatella isn't going for it: it's about more than him. She's annoyed that he didn't consult her, and now he's annoyed, clanking down his espresso cup and snarking, "What would you advise?" Yes, Antonio echoes, "What would you advise?" Donatella side-eyes him and theorizes aloud that it's Antonio's idea, that he wants to "be famous" as "Versace's lover." For 13 years everyone's mistaken him for Gianni's assistant, he grumbles, and Donatella snorts that apparently his pride is more important than the company. The sniping continues, Antonio saying he's not trying to become a public figure: "I know my place. Unlike you." Donatella cocks her head and asks at four degrees Kelvin, "And what is my place," at which time Gianni bangs a chair and snaps, "Enough!" No more fighting over this: it was his idea.

He asks Donatella to walk with him, and she stalks after him with that weird colicky gait women get who wear too-high heels every day. He wants her support, but she notes that his company supports all the people working around them -- and they have stores opening in countries where homosexuality is illegal. What if he's denied a visa? What if the stores can't open? Gianni is momentarily taken aback, and asks what she really thinks could happen. She says the rock stars, the actors, "the royalty whose endorsements we cherish" might not want to associate with the brand. Gianni shrugs, "Unless we keep Elton," but Donatella doesn't see the humor; he lives "in isolation," and has forgotten what the real world is like. He tries to argue that the women they design for are "fearless," and when Donatella says it's not the same, he asks, "Is the brand Versace braver than the man?" She doesn't have an answer for that, but when he stalks to the other side of the atelier, she follows, asking if he's angry at her, or the world. She goes on to wonder what his "admission" will cost when they take the company public. Gianni says, not terribly forcefully, that she's exaggerating, but she reminds him of Perry Ellis's final show, Ellis dying of AIDS, too weak to walk on his own. "His most important show" in many ways, Gianni murmurs, and certainly it is as far as its value as a reference in this season of ACS -- Ellis, who died in 1986, remained in resolute denial about his illness and that of his longtime lover, whom he had seen into the ground earlier that year; at that point in the life of both the epidemic and the culture, that approach was probably the default, at least for public consumption -- but Donatella's point is that, after that, people stopped buying Ellis's clothes. "Some people," Gianni says. Many people, Donatella retorts. Some, Gianni insists, and walks away from her again.

Why now, she wants to know. "Because I was sick. And I didn't die," Gianni says. It's a miracle. He has a second chance now. Why is he alive -- to be afraid? No. He's here, and he "must use it."

After the title card, we return to 1997 -- four days before Jeffrey Trail's murder. In a crappish motel in San Diego, Andrew Cunanan is seated in grimy underpants on a nubby chair surrounded by trash bags, prepping a needle full of drugs and grandly reassuring an American Express account representative that he just needs enough money to get to Minneapolis.

He's going to visit his "two best friends," one of whom owes him more than ten grand; then he can go back to being the best customer ever. As the Amex rep skeptically repeats that he's asking them to extend his credit so that he can…repair his credit, the camera lingers pointedly on an expensive watch on the floor. Cunanan distractedly taps the needle to rid it of bubbles as the rep verbally eye-rolls that she has to consult her supervisor. Cunanan chirps that he'll hold, and injects himself between his toes. I assume this is included to show both his alleged drug involvement and his much-ballyhooed ability to charm all and sundry, but I ran into some American Express credit trouble in college and was on the line with their reps almost daily, assuring them that my latest low-double-digit payment from my pizza-delivery job was winging its way towards them and please don't make me declare bankruptcy as a 20-year-old. Like, if I convinced them to let me chip down my balance 13 bucks at a time? I'm...not that charming. This is eminently doable by civilians.

Cunanan gets up, surveys his closet, and starts taking down armfuls of suits and shirts, still on their hangers. Do people actually do this? It seems like an only-onscreen thing. In any case, the removal of the last armload of blazers reveals a mini-crazy wall consisting of the very Advocate article the Versaces were arguing about before.

That pic at the top left, that looks like IRL Cunanan, should maybe have been cut, no?

In a warehouse, Jeff Trail is hoisting heavy canisters onto shelves. Later, he's not laughing alone without salad at a picnic table above the work floor when a co-worker joins him. Jeff notices the guy's tattoo as an armed-forces design; the guy notices him noticing and asks if he served. He did, in the navy, and kind of overshares about the USS Gridley and how he's sort of sad she got decommissioned. So he misses it? Every day. Why'd he leave? "I dunno," Jeff grits, and admits he regrets it, but when the guy begins to say he was never going to become an officer, it gets awk in a hurry with Jeff interrupting that he was an officer, and adding that his brother and sister are both in the armed forces. "You married?", the guy asks, probably concluding that it was Jeff's spouse who wanted him to leave the service, then. Jeff parries that, but the guy asks again why he left, especially to work "in a place like this." This place is okay, Jeff glares, but the guy's like, but for an Annapolis grad?

Jeff, icily: "I made the decision." The guy tries to smooth it over by saying his wife always tells him he asks too many questions, but Jeff just repeats over him, "I made the decision -- okay?" The guy apologizes for offending him and offers to "leave it there," but Jeff can't, leaping to his feet and shouting again that he made the decision, loud enough for other co-workers to look up from their lunches.

After lunch, Jeff is loading canisters, zoned out, when he's told "an Andrew called" -- he says he'll see Jeff at the airport.

That's where we see him next, as he greets David Madson with a fond arm-squeeze. David didn't think Jeff would come. Neither did Jeff, Jeff says disgustedly. David doesn't get why Cunanan's coming there, but Jeff's like, he has nothing and no one and everything he's told you is a lie. David gets that, right? David: "Do you even like him?"

Jeff sighs that Cunanan was "there for" him once, and he owes Cunanan, but it's not the same. David feels "kinda sorry" for him. "Don't." He's lonely. "For a reason," Jeff says, adding that after this "for old times' sake" weekend, he's done with Cunanan. David's like, he's here for three nights, ugh, and Jeff says Cunanan can have his apartment, Jeff will stay with his sister, and not to victim-blame here, but if you don't want to deal with Cunanan because he's a grifter, you put him up in a hotel, not at your house when you can't keep an eye on him and/or your belongings. Cut to Cunanan emerging from the crowd with a step almost Michigan J. Frog in its peppiness as Jeff asks David not to tell Cunanan where he is: "He's so crazy, he might just show up."

Asterisking this point is Cunanan's desperately cheerful sing-songing of "The three amigooooos!" and overly handsy hug of David. He hugs Jeff next, choosing to ignore Jeff's stiff reaction, and burbles about how much fun they'll have this weekend: "It'll be just like old times." Jeff's all, nah, and says he can't hang out with them. Cunanan asks why not. "Aside from everything you've done?" David looks down as Cunanan feigns ignorance.

Jeff says he's away 'til Sunday at a sales conference, but he'll be sure to send Cunanan a postcard. Cunanan lamely asks if Jeff's "still annoyed" about the postcard he "accidentally" sent to Jeff's dad signed "Drew, kiss kiss." "I made a mistake!" David rolls not just his eyes but his entire head as Jeff brings out his keys, saying Cunanan can stay there tomorrow night. Cunanan doesn't get why he's not staying with David; David says without much conviction that he's busy "seeing a friend." "Wh-who, what friend?" Cunanan presses, but despite this inability or unwillingness to take a hint re: David wanting to get it in with, y'know, not him -- or, more to the point, David's obvious trepidation at drawing that line brightly, or at all -- Jeff still hands Cunanan his keys, then walks off without another word. Again, I don't mean to cast aspersions on Jeff Trail; nothing he did either doomed him or could have saved him, or any of the others. I've found myself in similar situations, feeling like it's easier to just go along this one last time and then get down to the ghosting once s/he's left town -- especially when s/he's presenting as a dishonest but not noticeably dangerous asshole. I have the benefit of a hindsight of which Jeff was deprived by Cunanan, as well. That's the frustration: that it can't be undone, couldn't have been undone. Or that maybe it could have gone differently -- if Cunanan weren't so easily able to leverage the doors of the closet against his targets.

Sometimes they swing back and hit him, though, as we're about to see when he and David return to David's loft. David snuggles with Prints for a minute, and Cunanan takes the opportunity to fish that expensive watch out of the top of his duffel and make a big show of having "gotten" (read: stolen, we'll no doubt see in a future ep) David something. "Open it!" he says with an antsy body twitch that is almost endearing, except that he's horrid. David seems to know that it contains an emotional bomb as well as whatever's literally inside, and is initially speechless at the sight of the watch. Cunanan has assumed that awkward stiff-armed stance again

as David struggles for words. I'll note here Orth's Vanity Fair piece's assertion that, "though Madson was at least two boyfriends away from Cunanan by the end of April, he continued to accept gifts from" Cunanan. I still haven't read Orth's book, and perhaps she's more nuanced therein, but I'm finding implied judgment in that locution, to the effect that David "shouldn't" have taken gifts from a man he wasn't involved with, because it sent mixed signals -- or meant that David wasn't a quote-unquote perfect victim, the saint the newsmagazines are always looking for. Well, it probably did send mixed signals, and David probably wasn't perfect, because none of us is -- but here again we see Cunanan's victims a) not knowing what we know, because it's not what anyone tends to assume, and/or b) accepting overly generous gestures from Cunanan because it's less uncomfortable than rejecting him or questioning the gifts' provenance. The scene we're watching/cringing at here perfectly illuminates not only why Cunanan's victims might have had over-the-top "presents" from the killer among their possessions, but why Cunanan for the most part continued to skate on outrageous behavior.

Behavior like…refusing to read the room, because when David snaps the watch box closed and pulls a nauseated face, then goes to refill Prints's water bowl, Cunanan bustles over, picks up the box, and goes into cheesy-proposal mode. David's response is a glorious "ehh-whennnnhhhh?!" look from Cody Fern

at which Cunanan has the presence of mind to stammer that he doesn't have to answer right now, he can think about it "for the next few days." David's like, it's against the law, so. Cunanan shrugs: "Who cares about that?" "Everyone," David exasps. "Well, I…don't!" Cunanan says, and Darren Criss throws in a tiny shoulder shimmy here that is so eloquent vis-à-vis Cunanan thinking this damn-the-homophobia-torpedeos declaration will win him his case. David's like, again: no, "it's insane," and Fern's unwittingly Australian inflection of "in-sein" is rather winning. Cunanan is hell-bent on ordering a sweet roll, however, and babbles that they can call it a commitment ceremony, then. David tries to explain that "it's not -- the term" as Cunanan Manson-lampses at him and blares, "Then what is it." "The idea of you and me," David finally is able to say. His expression unchanging, Cunanan pauses, then tells David to keep thinking about it over the weekend, and then "if for whatever reason it's a no," he can keep the watch as a thanks. ..."Whatever reason," indeed. Thanks for what, David asks, exhausted. For turning Cunanan's life around, Cunanan duhs, then shares that he got a new job, a claim David doesn't believe; as Cunanan keeps lying about his new condo in San Francisco, David wearily closes his eyes and nods to himself. "I'm a whole new person!" Cunanan desperates, fastening the watch onto David's wrist. "And all I need -- is someone to be a new person for."

At his sister Laura's gorgeously porched house, Jeff surveys the family pictures (including one of Laura in uniform) in the hall, then takes the linens he'll be sleeping on from his pregnant sister; he doesn't want to be any trouble. "It's no trouble, I love that you're here. Why are you here?" his sister asks, easing herself onto a sofa. Jeff admits he's avoiding Cunanan. She snarks on Cunanan's postcard "mistake" trying to out Jeff to their dad. Jeff says grimly that he's not going to hang out with Cunanan, but Laura has Cunanan's number and Jeff's, telling Jeff he shouldn't let Cunanan have "that kind of control" over him and that Cunanan "was threatening" Jeff with the postcard. Why doesn't Jeff just tell their parents he's gay himself? Jeff knows what they're going to think. "They love you," Laura snorts, which, no doubt, but also: easy for the het sibling who's furnished grandchildren to say, even if she's correct. Jeff changes tacks, saying it's not the right time: they're so happy about the baby. It's her baby, Laura says, so as his superior officer she's ordering him to do it. "I'll think about it," Jeff says. "You've thought about it enough," Laura grumbles. Again: yeah, probably, and she's not a bad guy here, but…you know. Your loved ones' coming out is not about you. Jeff rolls his eyes, then tells Laura's belly, "I'm looking forward to being an uncle, so. Much." He smooches the belly -- aw -- and rests his head on it, listening…

…which makes the overlapping cut to the polka palace in the next scene pretty hilare and cuts the sadness nicely. Too bad we're about to be marinating in uncomf. David and Cunanan climb the stairs into the joint, Cunanan babbling that it's such an original idea, and it feels "special -- memorable." David quashes that line of thinking ASAP, saying it wasn't his choice -- his friend picked it. Said friend is his co-worker Melinda, who appears out of the crowd to greet David, and he introduces Cunanan as his "friend, Andrew." "'Friend,'" Cunanan repeats with a full "this guy, amirite" head-and-shoulders eye-roll, and says he's more than a friend. Everyone's "…k" faces do not deter him from grabbing David's wrist, still with the watch on it, and raising it to eye level to brag that he got it for David "to show how much he means to me." He adds quote casually, "It's worth ten thousand dollars." Melinda says, "Wow," and shoots David a quick, merry "by which I mean 'wow, you're gauche'" look. The silence in which nobody knows how to respond to Cunanan goes on for quite some time…

…and then we mercifully cut to David and Melinda polka-ing amateurishly and laughing a lot. Then it's into slo-mo, and the distorting of the soundtrack, as Cunanan tries to arrange his face into a "isn't this a hoot" shape but ends up Starmanning, as usual.

Later, David orders more beer and speculatively watches Cunanan from the bar as Melinda heroically tries to make conversation: "So what do you do?" Almost daring her to call him on it, Cunanan lies that he makes movie sets; he's working on Titanic down in Mexico. "And you're here for David?" "There's no one I love more," Cunanan confides, which at least is in the same area code as true. David returns with three steins, and Melinda fills him in, giving gorgeous "pfft" tone to "We were just talking about movie sets in Mexico!" "Mexico?" David says, glaring at Cunanan, who thinks for a second before grabbing David's hands: "Let's go dance!" Melinda watches them carefully as David gets free of Cunanan's grasp and says he doesn't need the whole weekend to think about it. "I can't hear you, the music's too loud!" Cunanan says through a desperately fake chuckle. David tries to repeat himself, but Cunanan's sticking with the can't-hear-you bit, bobbing frantically and shouting, "Let's just dance!" They can't get married, David says. "Even if we could -- we can't." The smile drains off Cunanan's face as David says he's really sorry, he doesn't know what else to say. He leaves Cunanan standing on the dance floor, other couples whirling around him. Oof.

At the loft the next morning, Cunanan is sitting, staring into space, still wearing the same clothes from the previous night. David comes out in a tee and boxers and asks if he couldn't sleep. "No." David half-rolls his eyes and goes into the bedroom to fish the watch out of his top drawer; the camera pans up to find Cunanan in the doorway, having Nosferatu'd his way into frame once again. David startles, then murmurs that "there's something great" about Cunanan; he's always thought that. He's generous. But it's not right to keep the watch, he says, handing the box to Cunanan. "I know money is tight." Cunanan badly lies that it isn't. David says it's okay to ask for help instead of telling "all these crazy stories," but Cunanan isn't going to admit to anything, asking through another super-fake chuckle, "What crazy stories?" David girds his loins and runs down the list: he's not making movie sets, he doesn't have a condo in San Fran…he's unhappy. He should let David help him the way Cunanan has helped other people. Cunanan looks genuinely baffled and fearful at this idea as David clarifies that he doesn't mean by marrying Cunanan -- that's not possible, it's not real. It's not what, Cunanan prompts, giving him the Manson lamps. "Another crazy story," David says reluctantly, and holds the box out for Cunanan to take.

Cut to both men heading for the elevator. As the door is closing on Cunanan, David stops it with his arm and guiltily says he can cancel on his "friend" for that night, if Cunanan needs to talk, "about anything." Cunanan tries for cheery, but ends up sounding robotic as he says again that he's starting a new life in San Francisco. "I need someone to share it with." David pulls a "yeah, still a hard pass" face and says he'll see Cunanan Sunday. Now it's Cunanan's turn to stop the door with his arm, and his face has darkened to one of Dawsonian accusation: "Is it Jeff? That friend you're seeing?" David waits a beat too long before denying it. Andrew releases the door silently. David turns away from the elevator all "Fuuuuuu."

It isn't Jeff, but whoever it is, he's cozy with David That Way when they return to David's building -- as Cunanan can see from his creeper stakeout spot across the street. When the other two head inside, he marches robotically across the street for a closer view.

From there, he heads to Jeff's apartment. It takes him a second to get the lights working, but alas, almost no time after that to come across the photo of Jeff and David, Prints nestled between them, tucked into the frame of another photo on Jeff's bureau.

The picture looks merely friendly, to my eye, but Cunanan is already paranoid about the possibility of a…"Tradson," I guess, and starts rifling through Jeff's drawers. It's not totally clear what he's looking for -- proof of a relationship; blackmail fodder a la what he unearthed at David's in the previous episode -- but when he pulls out Jeff's Navy uniform box from the closet, it seems like it's maybe both. Disrespectfully donning Jeff's hat, he digs under the dress whites and finds an unmarked VHS cassette. It's a news broadcast, interviewing active-duty servicemen about gays in the military, and the interviewee onscreen drops a few f-bombs as Cunanan keeps going through Jeff's stuff, eventually finding the gun. He's quite expertly loading a clip into the gun when he hears Jeff's voice coming from the TV; it's Jeff, in an identity-masking shadow, telling an interviewer that any gays in the military must serve in the closet. Cunanan kneels in front of the set and strokes Jeff's darkened face as Jeff says his career is probably over anyway, because he saved a gay fellow sailor from getting beaten to death by his peers, which tipped off said peers that Jeff too is gay. Cunanan sights the gun at the TV. Jeff, near tears, confesses that he's dreamt of taking that "good thing" he did back, letting the other guy die, so that the others wouldn't "suspect" him. (This interview did take place, around the time Jeff met Cunanan; the segment of it I found doesn't contain any mention of this incident.)

After the break, we're in 1995 in San Diego, aboard the Gridley. Jeff heads below decks, and comes upon a fight, or rather one seaman punching another repeatedly in the face. Jeff pulls the puncher off, and the puncher says that "that f***** brushed against" him. Jeff helps the punchee, Williams, to his feet, and as the puncher is threatening Williams if he ever touches the puncher again, Williams knocks him down with a right cross and sneers, "I'm sorry -- did I touch you?" Jeff scatters the combatants and their audience.

That night, a hand puts a bar of soap in a sock (we don't see the item, but per my father, this is how barracks justice was handed down as of the sixties, so let's assume), and Jeff awakens to hear the sounds of a blanket partyalready in progress. It's Williams, no surprise, and the gag they've put on him is no match for his wails of agony. Jeff rushes over to break this up too, telling the participants to scatter or they'll get written up, and helps Williams into the shower to clean up -- and to convince him to go to a doctor, which Williams doesn't want, because he'll have to write a report and make a complaint. "You're hurt, you need a doctor," Jeff says patiently, but Williams hollers, "I need out! …Get me out. Get me reassigned. Please!" He's near tears, and panting from the pain. Jeff cups his cheek. Williams meets his eye, then grabs his arm and pulls Jeff down onto the shower bench with him and cries on Jeff's shoulder. Jeff nurturingly busses Williams's head, and the generous comfort Jeff offers Williams is painful to watch, because you know no good deed goes unpunished, on earth as it is in American Crime Story, so of course Jeff glances up to see a NASCAR-looking dude giving them a disgusted glare from the doorway, then flip-flopping away.

The next day, Jeff goes through the lunch line and into the mess, and the shot follows him as he looks for a spot to sit, then locks eyes with NASCAR mustache guy from the night before. (The actor's name is Ric Maddox, and I'd like to note that he has also played the Joker in a short film called Gay Batman. The sort of dialogue he has here can't be an enjoyable day at the office, and Maddox is good, doesn't sell it out with ham like he might want to.) Finn Wittrock gives us a flicker of "let's get this over with" as he walks over and sits firmly down at the last empty seat at Mustache's table. Mustache can't wait to launch into a story about a guy getting caught at a "hook-up place for f**s," asking if Jeff knows it. Jeff's like, um, no, and Mustache goes on that the MPs went in undercover and busted the spot. Great use of your budget there, y'all. Jeff asks if the guy got discharged; Mustache says no, not if he agrees to name "every f** he's ever blown," but the guy doesn't know names -- so he's going to provide a list of tattoos. Cut to a super-tight close-up on Mustache's beady eyes as he asks with subtle relish, "Got any tattoos, Jeff?" Jeff glances around the table and chuckles all "FOH with that," but…

…the next scene is Jeff in the showers again, this time with an exacto knife, his issued Zippo, bandages, and a Costco bottle of rubbing alcohol. This is painful to watch, but I have to wonder what kind of clandestine blowjobs everyone else is giving that they'd see, much less take note of, a tattoo on the calf. I mean, don't the pants stay pretty far up in that instance? -- unless that's the point, that Jeff's paranoia is that far-reaching (and perhaps justified). Anyway, he takes the blade to the Martian and starts carving, but only gets about a third of the way around before he has to stop.

The next day, we're in a handheld shot of Jeff supervising other seamen, including the puncher from earlier, who glares at him. He's told the captain wants to see him, and as he's heading for the captain's quarters through a warren of hallways, it seems like everyone he passes -- and needs must nearly brush up against in these tight quarters -- along the way is eyeing him suspiciously. He takes a quick breath and reports in to the captain, and maybe this got fixed for the air version, but we probably shouldn't see what looks like a Studio City parking lot out the porthole.

Jeff is told to have a seat, and does, at which time he spots blood seeping through his pantleg from the tattoo wound -- also apparently added in post, as it doesn't move when Jeff's leg does, so I assume they fixed that too. He tries not to freak out, but then the captain hands him a booklet entitled Dignity & Respect: A Training Guide On Homosexual Conduct Policy.

This comic book -- yes, "comic book" -- also existed, which might seem hard to believe if you haven't served or don't have family members in the service but is all too credible if you have/do. Like, the parachutist at the top right…"irony-free up-fuckery," is what my vet uncle would call this. Jeff too-quickly asks if there's some reason the captain's giving it to him. It's being circulated to all officers; does Jeff not think it's important? Jeff's like, of…course, sure. Does Jeff have any questions? "No sir!" Jeff gulps. "You haven't looked at it." Jeff then grimly recites the section of the…Uniform Code? Not sure if that applies here, actually, but it's the regulation that prohibits engaging in or even admitting to "homosexual acts." The captain stares at Jeff, then asks if he knows all the regulations by heart. "Most, sir," Jeff says, which tracks. "Open the book," he's told, so he does, staring dully at a page that overexplains what "Don't Ask" means. The captain asks again if he has questions, and when Jeff answers again that he doesn't, the captain goes on about a code of conduct, without which they're "nothing." "Nothing," Jeff repeats. So they're understood? "Yes, sir."

Nighttime. Jeff's in the shower again, this time poring over the comic. He pauses when he thinks he hears footsteps, then resumes, this time at the Don't Tell portion of the book.

Daytime. He's dressing in his whites, buffing his cap, shining his white shoes. I didn't even write a note about the visual reference to Lt. Col. Markinson in A Few Good Men, because that character's about to shoot himself, but maybe I was onto something, because then we're back in the shower, Jeff standing in his whites on the bench and contemplating the belt he's looped over a ceiling pipe.

Wittrock looks about twelve years old in this shot and it is buh-rutal. Jeff puts his head through and leans on the belt, but he can't go through with this either, although it's a harrowing couple minutes, and the mood isn't lifted by his despair as he sags, crying, onto the shower bench.

He's only slightly happier about the prospect of visiting a gay bar called Flicks, but he does it, albeit with baseball hat pulled fairly far down and a body language suggesting deep conflict. Company B's "Fascination" blares in the bar as he hesitantly orders a beer and looks around at the men smiling, the men smoking, the go-go boy with the American-flag briefs smizing at him. Beside him is Cunanan, who spots him as a rookie immediately. "Was it that obvious?" "There were a few clues," Cunanan smirks, and introduces himself.

Later, they're yukking it up at a table with a few empties as Jeff reveals that he's never gone to any gay bar before. Cunanan's shaggy-dog joke about the bartender setting off fireworks that make the shape of Jeff's name to mark the occasion wigs Jeff out momentarily, but Jeff sincerely thanks him for making the night un-humiliating. Cunanan preens that it's his honor, and he feels like he's part of Jeff's history. He asks if Jeff is military, and murmurs that it must be hard. Jeff agrees that it is. Cunanan switches gears, saying rules require him to buy Jeff drinks for the rest of the night and insisting Jeff put his money away. Jeff smiles to himself. At the bar, Cunanan watches him fondly.

Another time, at the same bar, Cunanan asks how it happens that CBS wants to interview Jeff. They came to the base and canvassed the straight soldiers, Jeff says; his part is sharing "the other side." Cunanan sputters that Jeff is crazy, they'll kick him out, but Jeff says they'll keep him in shadow so he can't be identified. "How humiliating," Cunanan breathes. Jeff doesn't get it, so Cunanan notes that the bigots get to stand in the light, uniforms on, proudly; Jeff gets to stay in the shadows with his voice distorted, "like a criminal." "Yep," Jeff says grimly. Of course this is how Cunanan thinks of it, and that the Navy will witch-hunt Jeff, that nobody cares what he has to say and it's not worth it, but it's something Jeff needs to do. He can't explain it.

He pulls up to a motel in his Jeep and gathers himself, then approaches one of the rooms.

Gianni and Antonio do the same, at a different hotel.

Jeff listens at the hotel-room door.

Gianni breathes, "My heart," and puts Antonio's hand on his chest to feel the hammering. "Mine too," Antonio laughs. Gianni wonders how many interviews he's done. Antonio puts Gianni's hand over his heart and says he can't count. "None like this," Gianni says. They kiss. Gianni knocks.

Jeff shakes hands with his interviewer.

Gianni shakes hands with his interviewer. As he's posing for pictures, Antonio stares into the middle distance; he's snapped out of the reverie by Gianni coming over for help zhuzhing his shirt.

Jeff's reassured that viewers will only see his silhouette, and that the MPs can't make the interviewer reveal his sources.

Gianni's interviewer confirms that Gianni understands he's on the record.

Jeff explains that the military is his life; it's all he ever wanted to do. Asked if anyone serving is out, Jeff says the majority are closeted, "and will always be closeted."

Gianni interrupts his interview to introduce Antonio in so many words as his partner, and to ask if they can do the interview together. The interviewer smiles warmly, knowing what he's witnessing, and says absolutely.

Jeff, meanwhile, isn't so optimistic, saying that he thinks talking to CBS is probably the end of his career. But at the same time, his career probably died a long time ago, he says, choking up. They know. They've never promoted him, even though he's a good sailor. "How do they know?" Jeff tells the story of saving Williams's life. It's slightly different from what we heard before in the phrasing, but we're still seeing these two men, both struggling to do the right thing, and the hopeful version of the right thing. Both killed by a guy who couldn't see any way to get love except to never tell the truth and to trade in shame instead of pride.

The day of Jeff's death. He comes home to find his apartment in bad-guest disarray and Cunanan performatively eating Froot Loops, four of which he probably left in the box, because: dickhead. Jeff sees his uniform hat on the table, stares at Cunanan, and heads into the bedroom without a word as Cunanan scrambles to his feet. Jeff finds his uniform on the bed and stalks back into the living room: "You went through my stuff?" Cunanan non-answers that he was going to tidy up, but Jeff interrupts that he touched Jeff's uniform. Cunanan was going to put it back: "So what?" "'So what'?" Jeff snarls. Cunanan's eyes narrow as he says he doesn't get why Jeff keeps it. Cunanan didn't serve his country; he'll never get it. No, Cunanan doesn't, not after how the Navy treated him. "You've never believed in anything except yourself," Jeff says, but Cunanan protests that he believed in Jeff, "didn't I," when the Navy didn't? "Everything you gave me, the bars, the meals, the men, it means nothing -- I want my life back!" Jeff says. He means his real life, as a soldier. Cunanan croons in an oh-honey tone that they never wanted him -- Cunanan wanted him! Jeff's like, pass, and says he doesn't know who Cunanan is; he doesn't stand for anything. He isn't anything, he's just a liar. "You have no honor," Jeff finishes, heading back into the bedroom.

Now Cunanan's pissed, and tries to take control of the situation/Jeff, sneering that Jeff's not in the Navy anymore, "sweetie" -- he's a washed-up [slur] with a shitty job, in a shitty condo, "bitching about how you could have been someone." This is Cunanan, really, not Jeff, but Jeff says he's right about that. Cunanan attempts to pull rank by announcing grandly that, when Jeff walked into "that bar," he saved Jeff. Jeff: "You destroyed me!" He wishes he'd never gone into that bar; he wishes he'd never met Cunanan. Cunanan switches gears, saying Jeff's confused and can't see it, but Jeff can see it: "I see it, I feel it, I hate it." I think he means that what he sees and feels keep him from what he truly loves, serving in the Navy, but I'd hear arguments. In any case, Cunanan is still trying to work the tractor beam, putting his hands up to Jeff's face and starting to say he loved Jeff so much, but Jeff swats Cunanan's hands away, knocking him back a step: "No one! Wants! Your love!"

Cunanan Starmans out of the room, gathering his bag (with Jeff's gun on top) and leaving without a word.

David is opening the door to let his "friend" out and finds Cunanan just standing there. Cunanan brushes in, in between David and the friend, without being invited in. "Andrew!" Cunanan parks it on the coffee table: "Yes?" David didn't hear the buzzer. Cunanan didn't want to bother (read: alert) David, so he "just slipped in behind someone else." The friend's like, yikes, and David has to whisper that he'll call. He fastens his bathrobe tightly, and is about to get into it when Cunanan fake-haltingly mentions what David said "about needing help." Can they talk tonight? "Sure," David this-fucking-guys, and goes into the bedroom. Cunanan schemes.

Jeff irons his uniform and folds it neatly away.

While David showers, Cunanan calls Jeff to neener that he has Jeff's gun; he borrowed it to protect David from a stalker who's back in town. As Jeff is bitching at him about having a license and how the gun never leaves the apartment, Cunanan smiles smugly at the trap he's going to spring. Jeff says he'll come over and retrieve it, but he's done with Cunanan -- done. Cunanan tries to grade-school that Jeff said that already, but Jeff hangs up on him. Cunanan wanders into the area of David's loft that's under construction and eyes the hammer.

Jeff's downstairs now, banging on the broken buzzer. Cunanan asks if David's going to get the door, but this time, David asks if he's joking, and Cunanan grumps that Jeff is "very hostile at the moment" and he'd rather not get into it with him in the foyer. As David's letting Jeff in, Cunanan is selecting the hammer and taking up his lurking post. We see him hear Jeff say he never wants to see Cunanan again, and again here the dialogue is somewhat shuffled from what we saw last week, but it may air differently -- or be a "what Cunanan 'hears' and what's actually happening aren't the same" thing. It doesn't change the ending, unfortunately, and we cut from the door swinging shut and Cunanan rushing Jeff…

…to Jeff's sister getting wheeled into labor, hollering in pain. Slow pan across Jeff's empty apartment as his parents leave various messages about the labor and delivery; fade out on Jeff's hat, neatly atop the uniform box, as Jeff's parents inform him that he has a niece, and everyone's healthy.

#acs versace #previously tv #epic old school recaps #2.05 #recap #review #article #february 2018

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womanwiththepoppytattoo · 4 years

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My spiritual revelation

7.5.20

I am at my dad's house. He asked me to come take care of him for a couple of weeks. My dad is 70 and has Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, which is terminal. He has declined sharply recently. He looks like he has aged 10 years in 6 months. He is gaunt and weak. My caretaking consists mostly of cooking foods he can eat and coordinating his medical care. We are all preparing for the end, including him.

I didn't have much of a choice about coming to stay with him. It was inconvenient. Being here is pretty awful in a variety of ways. I'm trying to make the best of all the empty time by doing the mental work I need to do, and there is a lot of it. I am straddling the past, present, and future. The past, my trauma, is always present; like a complicated knot I am working out strand by strand, loop by loop, processing everything that happened in the past two and a half years. The present is dealing with the waves of grief; exploring the relationship I have now with Rey, which is distinct from the relationship we had while we was alive; and clarifying how my resistance to certain dogmas and paradigms is legitimate and valid. The future is figuring out what I am going to do with what has been revealed to me.

The past, what he did to me and how it broke me, is too much to write in a single post. So I'll skip to the present: The waves are spaced out farther now, but they still come. I still miss Rey sooooo much, even though I should be used to it by now, even though I shouldn't miss him at all after how awful he was to me. I miss him in my life because I can allow myself to miss him now. It is safe to miss him now. But the version I miss is informed by recent events, the Rey who only could ever exist after he died.

What I refer to as "the interventions" began the day after his ashes arrived at my house, one month after he died. Sometimes, they are dreams. Sometimes I ask a question and "hear" the answer in his voice. Sometimes, something I've asked him for comes to me through someone else (usually his brother Antonio), who has no idea I've asked for it. They are always answers to my questions or requests. After the first intervention (when I asked Antonio what Rey would say about something, and a few minutes later Rey himself answered me), I started asking him directly. I light the candles and I rest my forehead on the urn and I talk to him. My first request was for him to help me believe in him. When he left last year, and before he died, I lived through 9 months of intense, lonely, mostly secret grief in which I dreamed about Rey almost every night. I never had a single dream during that time in which I felt that he loved me. But that night I had a beautiful dream in which the trust and closeness between us was intact. Whether he sent the dream, or sent me that feeling, which my mind interpreted in the dream, either way, it came from him. He was trying to set right the damage he had done. I know this is easy to dismiss as a grief-induced illusion. I am a lifelong skeptic and atheist. Intellectual honesty, integrity, and courage are among my primary values. As much as I might wish I could delude myself with a pleasant and harmless fiction, that is exceedingly difficult for me to do. But there have been enough of these interventions now, and they have been vivid enough, to convince me.

The most important of these interventions was a revelation that came to me at 4 a.m. It came to me pretty much fully formed, a new understanding (to me) of consciousness and the universe. In the days that followed, I processed and analyzed my revelation. It made sense and answered all of my questions, and I could find no logical flaws in it. In fact, I have subsequently learned, there is a lot of science, as well as other kinds of evidence, supporting this kind of concept of the universe and of consciousness. As I’ve mentioned, I am an atheist. I’ve always considered myself entirely non-spiritual, a materialist in the metaphysical sense. Materialism, the idea that consciousness is generated by and limited to the brain and dies with it, is basically unquestioned among the scientifically-minded in our culture. I had my theories about how consciousness might exist after the end of biological life, but they were materialistic theories (think AI etc.) I believed in love and empathy, but considered these to be biological imperatives that evolved for our collective survival. These ideas have been turned upside down by what was revealed to me, which is more aligned with (what I now know is called) metaphysical idealism, the opposite of materialism.

I am going to copy here an excerpt from what I wrote in my diary that day, when it was fresh in my mind.

May 12

This is not easy to put into words, but I must, before any of it slips away. I was struggling yesterday. Feeling so alone with all of this, and no one really seems to care. Rey's sisters and mother have been posting to their Facebook stories recent pics of him that they got from some so-called girlfriend and no one shared them with me (after I shared all of my pictures with them), which really pissed me off and made me feel excluded, once again, from his life. I've been trying to hold onto the dream he sent me as proof that he loved me and was here with me. But I wanted more. I asked him to visit me again and help me believe he was here with me, that I mattered, that he loved me. I woke up once with [song title] in my head. But no dream. I woke up again after 4, still no dream. But I felt his presence. I lay there and my thoughts took a turn. I thought about consciousness persisting, interacting with us.... I had a revelation, its roots lost in a drowsy fuzziness. Our spirits persist. What falls away is our separateness, our individuality, our pain, our ego. And without those things, there is nothing in the way of connection, unity. This is the Divine. That feeling you have when you love someone and trust them completely, when their happiness is your happiness and their pain is your pain - the feeling I had with Rey before, and in the dream - that is 2 fragments of the Divine temporarily, imperfectly, coming together. It is literally a slice of heaven, because after we die, we are connected to everyone that way. ....The second part of this revelation was that this connection doesn't begin when we die. We are already connected - but our separateness, our physicality, makes it really difficult to perceive. But this separateness - life- is our gift to the Divine. Our lives are what eternity is made of....we bring our experiences and our unique selves to the whole. My connection to Rey is my connection to the Divine. He has made divine love accessible to me. I know this sounds like bullshit. But I really do think it's pretty close to accurate. Another thing I asked of Rey in my mad raving prayer last night was that he help me become the person he wants me to be, because I don't think this jealous, broken, empty shell is it. So the implication of this revelation is that I should act according to this new understanding. That I should do whatever I can with it. The dream and the other interventions have been the Divine, which includes Rey - who is now healed - working through the conduit of my love for Rey and our connection to heal me because it doesn't want me to suffer, to stay broken and bitter and create more pain in the world.

As for the future, where this is taking me, that too will be another post (or many).

Edit: I have learned that there is a state known as hypnopompia, between sleep and waking up, which many claim offers access to the universal consciousness or the spirit realm.

#grief #loss of a child #narcissist #narcissistic abuse #metaphysical #spirtual #life after death #soulmate #one mind #hypnopompic

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makingxocircles · 7 years

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Heeeeeelp meeeeeeee

Ok so i need some help. There’s this boy that i like. I’ve liked him for over a year but up until a week ago, he’d been in a relationship. We have had a pretty steady friendship this whole time. So here’s where it gets… kinda confusing. So he was dating a girl who doesn’t even live in the US. I live in Florida and he lives in California. She would periodically visit him a few times throughout their relationship but the majority of the relationship was spent apart from each other. Meanwhile, my friendship with him is mostly online via texting mostly, Instagram and Skype. Early on in our friendship while he was still dating this other girl, we began flirting. Little stuff here and there, until he asked me for pictures and you know what pictures I’m talking about. At first I was hesitant and slightly torn because on one hand I really liked him but on the other I knew I was enabling him to essentially cheat on his gf. I didn’t want to hurt her but at the same time i really wanted to indulge. So after months of him asking, i sent him photo’s. Also note that while we were flirting via text we got a bit naughty if you know what i mean. This was all early this year, while he was dating this other girl. During this time, while i had enjoyed him flirting with me and giving me this kind of attention, i was also being told by “friends” how I was such a terrible person for wanting to do this with him while he was dating someone else and i began feeling guilty. As I should i mean i would be crushed if i was in her place. Also note, that while all this was going on, she and I were friendly.

So i brought this dilemma up to him and he got very defensive telling me that he had talked to his gf about this and she knew he was flirty with other girls (not necessarily me). While I don’t wanna make excuses for him, i want to point out that the last year and a half of his life that i have known him, he lost his little sister and best friend right in front of him. So i don’t know exactly if his behavior towards me was just a result of his trauma or if he had some kind of feelings towards me, I’m not sure. But this information is key to understanding him.

So i tell him, hey listen i don’t like feeling like I’m just the side chick. I don’t want to enable you to cheat on your gf etc. even though by now, i had sexted, flirted and sent risqué photo’s. He was understanding and respected my choice and ever since then our conversations have been light and platonic. Both of us are musicians so a main portion of our conversations are music based. But nonetheless, he would offer up information from time to time when things with his gf weren’t going well. When they would fight, things she did that he didn’t like, etc.

Recently she was in his town for a few weeks. During this time, he and I talked like normal and even planned a Skype time to work on music. Well right up to him making the Skype call he texts me and cancels saying he had a mini emergency and that he would make it up to me. This was on halloween night (today is the day after Thanksgiving to give reference for future readers) so you can tell how recent this was. While she was in town, he mentioned a few times being stressed out and anxious. I associated that though with something else going on in his life not her being in town. He never told me what that mini emergency was but later that night i asked if everything was okay and he said things weren’t great but he was okay. Meanwhile his gf is sharing Instagram stories of them together carving pumpkins and dressing up for Halloween. Online it looked like everything was perfect. That nothing was wrong.

So at the beginning of this month after she left and went back home overseas, he seemed less stressed. But again associated that with something happening in his life that had past at this point so i just assumed he was relaxed from not having so much on his plate. But then i notice that he unfollowed his gf on social media and she did the same. This didn’t surprise me because periodically throughout their relationship they would do that and then follow each other again like a week or so later. Well a week went by and neither refollowed the other. So being me and having a crush on him, decided to see if he still had his relationship status on Facebook. When i noticed that he had taken the status off his main page, i clicked on his about and saw that he was still “in a relationship” with her but it wasn’t displayed on his main page like it used to be so i knew something was up. So our mutual friend suggested he would ask him what was going on. So he messaged him and gets back a response “no things aren’t great with us. It sucks” then all of a sudden he is listed as “single” on Facebook.

So after alllllllllll of that. Here’s where i need some help and if you stick with me up until here you are the real MVP cause that’s a lot. I mentioned that his ex-gf is not from America. Well turns out she’s moving to his city for an internship in February. So i have the next few months to really tell him how i feel about him. But my fear is that he doesn’t feel the same. I am afraid that his flirtatious attitude towards me was nothing more than just his way of dealing with the tragedy he had been through a few months earlier or if their relationship had been rocky even back then. I know he loves her and i am sure she loved him. I an afraid that if i don’t step up and tell him how I feel that when she does move there for school, that they will rekindle the flames. She was recently advertising on twitter for a roommate to live with while she was there, which to me was already a huge red flag that things were bad because she easily could have lived with him and his family rent free so why look for roommates? If it was me, i would pick rent free living with the boy i love over paying to live with friends. And even if they couldn’t live in his parents house with him, both of them have money and could afford to live together. They are both adults. Again, a better option than living with friends or random strangers especially when you have been apart from your bf for as long as you had and you finally get to be together everyday for 4 months.

I really don’t know if this decision to break up is final, but he has pretty much removed himself from anything having to do with her. They are still friends on Facebook and he hasn’t removed their pics off his Instagram yet. But he also had a pretty public relationship with her and if he took down the pics people would ask him what’s going on. So i assume that he just doesn’t wanna talk about it or deal with it. He hasn’t even told me yet they broke up. We are very close on text, Skype, etc. but on Instagram, he barely acknowledges me. If i comment on his pics he will like other people’s comments but not mine (mind you he does get a lot of comments and may not see mine). He won’t like my pics (we follow each other) and says “i didn’t see it” but will like other pics of friends he follows. I don’t want to base how he feels about me on social media interaction, but it does make me wonder if he does like me?

So I’m really confused because on one hand he used to flirt with me, talk dirty with me, ask for dirty pics while having a gf. But stopped after i said i wasn’t comfortable with him doing this while dating this other girl. Ever since then everything has been platonic. I just don’t know what to do. He does give me his time even when he is busy, he does go out of his way to do things for me, he does still talk to me even when he is stressed or fighting with his gf. He does show that he cares, i just don’t know how much and it’s only confusing because he once acted like he did like me. I just have no idea if it was because he did like me or because he was dealing with so much depression and anxiety from his tragedy that he took it out on me by mindlessly flirting with me and it meant nothing to him while it meant everything to me.

Oh also, keep in mind. We have never met in person yet. We were going to when he was in town a few months ago but both of us were super busy and he didn’t have a car to really get around even though i said i would go pick him up, but him dinner, anything just to hang out and meet this guy I’ve been talking to for over a year. So idk if those were excuses he made to avoid me or if he truly was busy the whole time, idk. And before you say it, no he isn’t catfishing me because we have Skyped and he has sent me videos and stuff so he is who he says he is. I know that he isn’t avoiding me because he catfished me. His friend suggested maybe he avoided me because he does like me and since at the time he was dating his gf, that he didn’t want things to happen between us. Even his own best friend of 20?years thought he might like me based on his behaviors. Then later came back and said no that he really loves his ex and that i should move on. But now they aren’t together anymore and it looks to be permanent unless something happens in February when she moves out there. So basically, i have December and January to really make moves to show him that i like him but i am super shy and insecure about this stuff and I’m scared if he knows it will ruin our friendship and I would rather salvage our friendship than never tell him how i feel. But at the same time, i watched him be with this girl for a year and a half while i had a huge crush on him and that was torture. I feel like i have an opportunity to go for it with him and be brave and tell him but at the same time I’m scared that when he finds out he will stop talking to me even though I’m like 80% sure he already knows how I feel because I’m not exactly the best at hiding my feelings. Everyone around us had a feeling i liked him including his best friend.

If ANYONE stuck through all of that tea, i first of all praise you because this took me an hour to write. So i cant imagine how long it took to read. So if you did read all of that, pleeeeeeeease help me! I don’t know what to do. I want the assurance of knowing he likes me. And most of the guys i have talked to about this say it sounds like he does like me to an extent but idk. He JUST broke up with gf of almost 3 years. So i don’t wanna jump in there right off the bat and be like well now that she’s gone here i am… i need to strategically figure out when the best time to tell him is and what i should do until then to really get him interested in me. Remember that we are long distance right now. I know this is a looooooooot, but i really really REALLY need help and time is limited.

#Dating #relationship #relationship advice #girlfriend #boyfriend #crush #crushing #crushes #advice #friend #friendship #friendship advice

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encouragechange · 5 years

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FATHERED BY EVIL Three sisters born as result of rape brand evil dad the ‘Irish Joseph Fritzl’ and reveal no one helped their desperate mum EXCLUSIVE Alison O'Reilly 22 Sep 2019, 8:30Updated: 22 Sep 2019, 12:10 THREE brave girls of the “Irish Joseph Fritzl” today break their silence about their rapist father — and tell how no one helped their desperate mum.

Ashley, Iseult and Megan Manning have waived their right to anonymity to reveal how they, and three siblings, were conceived after their mother was sexually abused and “held like a captive” for nearly two decades by evil Sean McDarby.

Brave sisters Ashley, Megan and Iseult 4 Brave sisters Ashley, Megan and Iseult Evil beast Sean McDarby 4 Evil beast Sean McDarbyCredit: Handout pic - refer to Picture Desk Monster Joseph Fritzl 4 Monster Joseph FritzlCredit: Handout Iseult and Ashley as children 4 Iseult and Ashley as childrenCredit: Handout pic - refer to Picture Desk The sisters say their mother Mary — who was beast McDarby’s stepdaughter — was repeatedly abused and lived in fear for years.

The monster first raped Mary in 1976 when she was just 12 years old and impregnated her for the first time when she was 16.

But when Mary reported the horrific situation, they said “no one did anything following mum’s numerous attempts to seek help”.

'EVERY TIME SHE REACHED OUT - NOTHING HAPPENED' Speaking for the first time about her horror ordeal, Iseult told the Irish Sun On Sunday: “I honestly do not know how she survived and every time she reached out, nothing happened.”

McDarby was arrested in his workplace at a haulage business in Dublin and questioned by cops.

He admitted to gardai and the HSE that he fathered six children with Mary between 1981 and 1989 — but said he didn’t believe he did anything wrong.

McDarby, from Ballickmoyler, Co. Carlow, was accused of statutory rape, rape, disposing of a baby’s body, physically abusing Mary and isolating her and her children.

A lengthy file was sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions but no charges ever followed before his death more than ten years ago.

Shockingly, McDarby was the first to hear of the DPP’s decision.

'OUR MOTHER HAS LIVED A LIFE OF HELL' Ashley, 35, the eldest of the three, said the system let their mother down time and time again.

She said: “I am angry that no one stepped in to help my mother. She did avail of the rape crisis services, she did talk to social services and gardai and so did her rapist, but nothing was ever done.

“The legal system, the support services and the HSE are all to blame. This has affected all of us, our mother should have been given some right to justice, our mother has lived a life of hell and I’ve no idea how she got through it all.

“Despite everything she was able to separate her love for us, from the reality of our own conception, having come about as a result of such brutal rape by her stepfather Sean. This makes her an unbelievable person. Sean McDarby was pure evil.

“The anger I carried, I carried because sometimes she couldn’t. This is a result of the emotional and physical exhaustion she had from constantly fighting and trying to survive.

“I can only imagine how terrified she must have been, torn between protecting us and herself, and sleeping with a hammer under the pillow and locking every door and window in the house.

“I am really glad abortion is now allowed in Ireland particularly for cases of rape because it means my mother could have got away sooner had she decided to abort us.”

ATTACKS BEGAN AT 12 The Manning sisters have never referred to their mother’s rapist as their “father”.

Instead they call him the “Irish Joseph Fritzl” and say he treated their mum, who had no positive childhood experiences, like a slave.

Psycho Fritzl, 84, is serving a life sentence in Austria for holding his daughter captive in an underground cellar for 24 years where she was raped and beaten and gave birth to seven of his children.

Mary’s alcoholic mum Mona married McDarby a year after husband Richard, a respected businessman in Ardee, died in 1973.

Three years later, when Mary was 12, the predator began raping her.

And in 1981, when she was 16, she became pregnant with her first child, Rory, and gave birth at Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital in Drogheda.

The little boy was only three months old when Mary became pregnant again following another sex attack.

Six months later Mary miscarried at home in her bed following a particularly brutal rape.

McDarby, then 37, made her put the dead baby in a bag and he buried the child in a field on his former land in Carlow — where the tot remains today.

The rape and physical abuse continued and Mary gave birth to Ashley at the Coombe Hospital, in Dublin, in 1983.

After Mary became pregnant for a third time, he took her away from Ardee. He brought her to a house in Dublin where she reared all of her children on her own with no money or support and no contact with the outside world.

She then gave birth to Iseult in Holles Street in 1984.

Two years later another child — who was later adopted through St Patrick’s Guild Adoption Agency — was born. Mary never saw him again following his adoption. And in 1989, Megan was delivered at Holles Street hospital.

'STRUGGLE WITH IDENTITY' In an extraordinary interview, Ashley told how on one occasion Mary did escape to America with the help of a neighbour but returned when she learned her three girls were taken into care.

She added: “In a desperate effort, having received no help or support from the state, my mother fled when she was 22 to escape Sean McDarby’s systematic rape and abuse. We ended up in care.

“My mother had no choices. Her maternal instincts to protect and care for her children, forced her to return to Ireland, as she did not want us in care. Unbelievably, yet again the results of years of neglect were dictating the choices she had to make.”

McDarby is not on any of the children’s birth certs but DNA has proven he is their father.

After being moved to Dublin, Mary was totally cut off from family life, money and society. She was moved around the capital three times by McDarby.

Iseult, 34, said: “It was his intention to isolate her and he knew the children would isolate her further, there’s a bond there with a mother and child and he knew she couldn’t go away.

“I have struggled with my identity, I ask myself, do I look like him? Do I act like him and do I have his personality traits?

“Our mother was forced to carry us alone. Giving birth, nobody came to visit her, he dropped her outside the different hospitals as part of his cover.

“How do I explain to friends and partners about my ‘father’? How I was raised and the childhood we had. People would say, ‘Where’s your dad?’. Teachers would ask me where’s your ‘father’.

“How did my mother give birth in so many hospitals with no one there and it never raised any suspicion?”

BEAST 'DID NOT PERCEIVE IT AS ABUSE' Eventually, Mary did make friends in Dublin and revealed her deepest and darkest secrets.

Through those pals, she sought help and counselling and met her now husband, Karl O’Reilly, with the couple going on to have three children together.

Mary reported McDarby to the HSE in 1988 before she went to the US and then to the gardai in 1994.

However, Mary’s case didn’t make it to court and her civil case around 2005 collapsed because of time constraints.

Records obtained under the Freedom of Information Act, show social services personnel asked McDarby during an interview had he abused Mary.

And even though Mary was underage during her first pregnancy, his response was that he “did not perceive it as abuse”.

Brave Mary went on to write the book Nobody Will Believe You in 2014, which told of her harrowing life at the hands of her stepfather.

Iseult still has many unanswered questions, asking: “Why was he not prosecuted? Why is it that the person who has been violated, physically mentally emotionally must carry the shame fear and many other emotions and the abuser Sean McDarby, walked around our streets a free man for years with free will and faced no consequences for his heinous actions.

“She lived through hell because of him and I’d like to ask the DPP what exactly is your job? Her book is a lonely and sad story because it shows her helplessness.

“While she wasn’t physically locked under the stairs, she was mentally isolated and cut off from her friends, family, community, choices and freewill and he used her body at mind at will.

“The power he took from her was her innocence, her confidence, her friends, her family, her community, her choices in life — but more than any of this, he took from her, her freewill and used both her mind and her body at will.

“Choices I take as normal such as travelling, or to go to college, to choose my profession, to choose a boyfriend, to develop a relationship and choose when to have children, such important choices were all taken away from my mother.’”

'WE ARE PROUD THAT SHE IS OUR MOTHER' Sister Ashley added: “He left her to raise five children she didn’t choose to have.”

Mary has now reclaimed her own life after years of personal development, education and therapy.

Daughter Megan, 30, said: “Today she’s a successful psychotherapist, she has incredible compassion, sensitivity and understanding of the needs of others, who have had difficulties in their own lives.

“She is an amazing woman. We are proud that she is our mother. She has also helped her children to come to terms with the reality of their own conception, she knew that trauma not transformed, will be trauma transferred.”

After decades agonising over their mother’s pain and coming to terms with their own identity, two years ago, the girls complained to the Child and Family Agency Tusla, the Justice Minister and the Gardai. Former Minister Frances Fitzgerald ordered a review of the case and part of that investigation included Drogheda Gardai requesting reasons why McDarby was never charged.

However, the family have never received any information as to why no charges were brought. The trio say nothing became of that review, but they did meet with Gardai.

Iseult said: “The DPP made the decision not to charge him despite the lengthy statements my mother gave. It’s like it’s all been for nothing and it’s a was 1 / 3 “He was a danger to us and society. We do not want this to happen to any other child or woman.

“However if it does the person should be held accountable, unlike Sean McDarby. Instead, he died a free man.”

Gardai and Tusla said they can’t comment on individual cases.

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helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog · 6 years

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Sandra Bullock Says Boyfriend Bryan Randall Is 'No. 1' to Her Kids

Sandra Bullock's boyfriend, Bryan Randall, is a major hit with her kids, 5-year-old daughter Laila and 8-year-old son Louis.

The notoriously private actress coversInStyle's June 2018 issue, when she talks about her beau, who she's been dating since 2015.

“He’s super kind,” she tells the magazine. “For the kids, he’s sort of No. 1. and I’m No. 2. But I get it because he’s more fun and has better treats.”

Aside from being a model, Randall is also a photographer, and Bullock opens up about the amazing photos he took of her with Louie and Laila in December 2015, when she debuted Laila to the world in a People magazine cover.

"He’s a patient photographer who was working with three subjects who hate the camera," she recalls. "Plus, I had to figure out how to hide the kids’ faces because there was a bounty on our heads."

How to get out of awkward conversations and what to cook for a new bf? For some of life's toughest questions, you need to call in the big guns, AKA Sandra Bullock! 😂 #DearSandy

A post shared by instylemagazine (@instylemagazine) on May 2, 2018 at 6:35am PDT

Bullock shares the heartbreaking early months of adopting Laila, and how news broke that she adopted another child.

"When you adopt a child, there’s a placement period, and if something goes sideways, they have the right to take the child away," she explains. "It’s a tenuous, strenuous six months. We had an allergy scare that sent us to the ER, and we were followed by the paparazzi, so the word was out that I had another child. And everyone wanted photos. It was heartbreaking. Louis would hear a helicopter or drone, and he’d run to get his sister and drag her across the lawn and hide her under the trampoline. So poor Laila had PTSD. But it took the bounty off once we did those official photos. Everything’s a learning experience."

These days, Louis and Laila are thriving. The proud mother gushes about their two very different personalities.

"Lou is super sensitive," she notes. "I call him my 78-year-old son. He’s like Shecky Greene, a Jewish Catskills comic. He’s wise and kind. I saw that when they handed him to me. There was a spiritual bigness to him. I was like, 'I hope I don’t eff that up.' And Laila is just unafraid. She’s a fighter, and that’s the reason she’s here today. She fought to keep her spirit intact. Oh my god, what she is going to accomplish. She’s going to bring some real change."

June cover star Sandra Bullock is very proud to be involved with @TimesUpNow, a cause she’s donated $500,000 to. "It’s not just about the actors — it’s about the single mom who’s been abused, bullied, and sexually harassed and is just trying to make every day safe,” she tells @glyniscostin. “It’s our duty to do whatever we can to help. I can safely say there is not one person I know who hasn’t experienced some form of harassment or doesn’t know someone it’s happened to. It happened to me when I was 16. And you’re paralyzed to a degree, thinking, ‘Will anyone believe me?’ And at that time? No,” she confesses honestly. “Up until recently it was the victim who was shamed, not the perpetrator. But we’re raising our children to be fearless. At least I hope I’m raising my kids that way.” Read her full cover story at the link in bio. #SandraBullock I Photographed by @carterbedloesmith

A post shared by instylemagazine (@instylemagazine) on May 2, 2018 at 6:15am PDT

Bullock says she hopes to set examples for her children. In January, she donated $500,000 to the Time's Up movement, and explains why it's personal to her. The 53-year-old Oscar winner reveals she also dealt with harassment when she was a teenager.

"It happened to me when I was 16," she shares. "And you’re paralyzed to a degree, thinking, 'Will anyone believe me?' And at that time? No. Up until recently it was the victim who was shamed, not the perpetrator. But just like with this [points to the TV showing March for Our Lives protest], we can do peaceful protests and utilize the media. We’re raising our children to be fearless. At least I hope I’m raising my kids that way."

Not surprisingly, she is also passionate about advocating for adoption, especially for kids in foster care.

"I’m all for Republican, Democrat, whatever, but don’t talk to me about what I can or can’t do with my body until you’ve taken care of every child who doesn’t have a home or is neglected or abused," she says. "It makes me teary-eyed. Let’s all just refer to these kids as 'our kids.' Don’t say 'my adopted child.' No one calls their kid their 'IVF child' or their 'oh, sh**, I went to a bar and got knocked-up child.' Let just say, 'our children.'"

Bullock is now starring in the highly anticipated all-female Ocean's 8, and talks about playing George Clooney's Ocean's Eleven character's sister.

"George and I have known each other since before we had careers," she says about their personal relationship. "He was always the funniest dude in the room. He would have a little tequila and do a wicked Buddy Hackett impression that would make you wet yourself."

Carter Smith / InStyle

"But, really, all he worries about is 'Are you guys getting what you need?'" she says of Clooney's approach to Ocean's 8. "It’s pretty ego-free of him. He had his trilogy. Now he has a new trilogy with [his wife] Amal and two babies."

ET spoke to Bullock at the Oscars in March, when she opened up about her text chain with the star-studded Ocean's 8 cast, which includes Cate Blanchett, Anne Hathaway, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson and Rihanna.

Watch below: