#i think if he existed in our reality you'd be able to pick up on whether he's in a room or not

[taperwolf]

When I was browsing at a local thrift store, I came across something that I might have picked up — if I didn't already have one in storage somewhere.

This is the Sony Watchman FD-C290 TV/Radio alarm clock. It has an LED clock display, an AM/FM radio, and a tiny television. You'd expect something of this size to be a little LCD display, and ten or twenty years later you'd be right — but this little guy came out in the late 1980s, so those didn't exist. No, this thing has a CRT.

(This photo is taken from a teardown of the related FD-20 by experimental-engineering.co.uk .)

Now, the story of how I came to have one of these is a bit odd. My senior year in high school — 1993-4 — I got together with another guy in my class to do a science fair project. Now, we were in rural Wyoming, and it was pretty rare for even people in big cities to have access to the internet, but our bright idea was to build a virtual reality setup.

I'd picked up a book with a CD attached which included a software package called Rend386, which would display, in real time and on 80386 and 80486 PCs, very constrained virtual worlds. These were incredibly simple, of course; to my memory it was primitive-based, where you could define cubes, cylinders, and spheres, and combine those into more complex shapes, with a degree of animation and interactivity possible. I don't think there were hardware 3d graphics available yet at all in the PC world, so this was all running on incredibly overtaxed CPUs. But it did give a glimpse of what VR would become.

The software supported two bits of repurposed game hardware: the active 3d glasses Sega made for the Master System, and the Nintendo Power Glove. By some coincidence, those two items, and a couple of Sony Watchmans (one standalone and one in a clock radio), were standing dusty on the electronics shelf of the local Ben Franklin/Ace Hardware, and by further coincidence my mom worked there at the time; she talked her boss into discounting the stuff to be purchasable by our meager funds.

The glasses worked by blocking one eye, then the other, while you looked at a screen that showed the scene from each eye's viewpoint in synchrony. The PowerGlove worked by having bend sensors to detect your hand making a fist, and ultrasonic sensors to detect its position in 3d space. The book gave directions for building a circuit to interface the two to a PC, which my friend followed, since he was the one who knew how to solder. (I wouldn't learn until decades later.) And this all actually worked, most of the time — you could steer your avatar, rendered by a single floating hand, around the simple world via joystick, see everything in 3d, and pick up and drop designated objects by moving your hand into them and making a fist. Of course, the frame rate was terrible, and using the glasses cut that in half, but it was all pretty exciting at the time. One of the big demos was navigating around some objects and walking onto a Ferris wheel, which would lift you up in the air and everything.

The book had some stuff about getting two VGA cards to run on the same machine, in order to output the two stereo views at the same time, and to use expensive displays and optics to create a head-mounted display. But our quick-and-dirty plan was to take the VGA signal from the computer, convert that down to NTSC video and use an RF modulator to put it on a TV channel, and feed it into the two Watchmans, which we'd affix to the glasses, one attached over each eye; they'd both be showing both views, but you'd only be able to see the proper ones. Unfortunately, we ran out of time and technical skills, and the science fair hit when we were still displaying on a big CRT. We actually went to the state science fair with that project, though it didn't get much love from the judges there.

I inherited most of the equipment afterwards — my friend claimed the standalone Watchman — and I'm not entirely sure if I still have the PowerGlove or not. But I do have the clock radio. Somewhere.

#vintage electronics #sony watchman #virtual reality #rend386 #science fair

[twoidiotwriters1]

Copycat: Origins —(Marvel Fem!Oc)

A/N: We reach the end of phase three at last! I might not post next phase right away cause I haven’t finished it (first time that’s happened in a while) but I’m hoping it’ll only take an extra week, maybe less if you’re lucky -Danny

Words: 2,155

Phase Three Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Phase Four

Listen to: ‘Birds’ -by Imagine Dragons

xxx: Fallen Heroes

"Agent Copycat reporting for duty," she stood beside Fury, both of them facing the group of people that were scattering.

He hummed. "It's been a long day, agent. Dare I say it's been more than a day in your case. Take some time off, I'll call you."

She was almost glad to hear him say that. "Fine, but don't take too long."

He chuckled lowly. "Look at you, pretending you want this..."

"It's what I do best," She saw Peter walking in their direction. "Pretend."

Cat excused herself and met Peter halfway, she smiled a little.

"Have you and May found a new place to stay?"

"We're still looking."

"What about Pietro's apartment?"

He looked at her. "What about you and Wanda?"

She shrugged. "She talks to me but it's not like we're close friends. She understands I didn't mean any hurt... I'm sorry about what happened between us, though."

Peter kept his eyes on her and she knew what was coming even before he'd blurted out his reply.

"Don't break up with me."

"Pete..." She said tiredly.

"We can make it work, C.C."

"C.C. doesn't exist anymore," Cat replied in frustration. "We burnt her papers, deleted school files, everything."

"Okay," He replied, clutching his hope. "Copycat's been my partner for years— I dated her too, and I know she loves me—"

"I like someone else now," She said plainly. "I've been with others while you were gone. I'm sorry... It's— It's not just our age gap. You were gone for too long."

Cat hadn't originally planned to confess that to Peter, but it seemed that nothing in the world could convince him to give up on her. Pietro once told her that when you love someone, nothing they do can make you leave, so Peter had to stop loving her.

"I killed people," She hid her hands in her pockets so he couldn't see them shaking. "I wanted others to suffer. I stole things from people that didn't deserve it. Our future was nothing but a dream, and what I've done, that's the reality."

The boy stepped back as if he'd been slapped in the face. He stared, her soul had been revealed to him and for the first time, he did not recognize her.

"You're only saying that push me away," He muttered, and even though he was right, she could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

"I don't see the point in fighting for what we had," She said feigning disinterest. "S'not worth it."

She wrapped her jacket tighter around her body and looked away. Cat knew she would never be able to look at him without feeling ashamed of this moment.

"I'll send you the keys to Pietro's apartment, I'll pick up his stuff later. Maybe Wanda will want some of them. Talk to the landlord about the new lease."

"Cat—"

"Don't look for me," She turned away and blinked back the tears. "I'm not your friend."

"You know, I wish there was a way that I could let her know... that we won. We did it."

"She knows," Wanda said. "They all know."

"You should try and write letters to Nat," Cat offered. "Even if she won't read them."

Wanda's voice sounded a little amused. "Pi told you that, didn't he?"

Cat smiled without looking at her. "He was a good brother."

It stung, talking about him and knowing they would never see him again. She didn't want to keep thinking of the whole situation, she wanted to forget, all of it.

"I'm glad he wasn't alone," Wanda confessed. "I hated you for a while, felt like you'd been the reason for our separation, but if I really think about it... it was me."

"I was scared, desperate to get what you'd had for years... if I hadn't been so selfish, you wouldn't have felt the need to run."

"We could've been a family," Wanda asked absently. "Nice pipe dream."

Clint patted their shoulders. "You're not so little anymore, are ya?"

Wanda had to look up in order to lock eyes with Cat. "I don't know about you, Copy, but I still have room to grow."

"Toddlers," Rocket approached the young mutants. "Got something for you."

He noticed their hesitant glances and scoffed.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You've been trying to kidnap us ever since we told you we're staying on Earth."

"I changed my mind," Rocket grumbled. "You'd be the worst Guardians now that the old group's back."

The mutants shared a look, they nodded in agreement.

"Probably."

"I mean, they're far more experienced, including that demigod dipshit—"

"No, that's all bullshit!" Rocket exclaimed. "I was trying reverse psychology, that always worked on you!"

"I'm sorry, Rat," She smiled. "Maybe you could try and hit me real hard on the head, see if that makes me forget the last year of my life?"

"Don't give him ideas," Kurt said disapprovingly.

"Ah, crap, I'll miss you two," Rocket rubbed his eyes roughly. "You're like my children... Groot, come say bye to the toddlers!"

"Having a raccoon as our father figure was definitely not on the list," She noted.

"Becoming an Avenger wasn't on mine for sure," Kurt sighed. "But I think I was pretty damn good anyway."

Young Groot fist-bumped the mutants. Rocket tried to stretch his farewell a bit more.

"Don't be strangers," He said. "Give your Captain a call every now and then, otherwise I'll go crazy surrounded by all of those idiots."

"You love those idiots, Rat."

"Love is a strong word," He groaned. "I tolerate them."

"Sure," Kurt opened his arms. "Group hug?"

They knelt so Rocket didn't have to jump, Cat wished they could stay that way forever, maybe then she'd never think of all the others they would never get to hold again.

"Have this," The raccoon handed her the blaster he'd been carrying around. "You're a sharpshooter, I'm sure you'll find a good use for it... and here," Rocket took off his scarf and wrapped it around Kurt's neck. "So you can hide your ugly face."

"You know... I tried. When I had the gauntlet, the stones, I really tried to bring her back... I miss her."

"We all do," Cat replied. "I gotta locate her sister, let her know what happened..."

"She'll be impossible to find, Cat. She's just like Natasha."

"Yeah well, guess who trained me?" She shrugged. "I have time. Too much, actually. But I'm lacking dough... Gotta love your twenties."

Steve smiled at her. "You know, it's not so bad that you're like Tony. We could use a new Stark."

"I could shift into him right now and make you pee your pants out of pure shock."

Sam let out a disgusted grunt. "And they say you grew up."

Steve grabbed the case and walked towards the platform. "You have to be friendly if you're going to work together, the Avengers care for one another."

"You know, if you want, I could come with you," Sam offered.

"You're a good man, Sam. This one's on me, though." The blond man moved to Bucky and smiled at him. "Don't do anything stupid 'til I get back."

Bucky chuckled. "How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you."

They hugged, and something about it felt final.

"Gonna miss you, buddy."

"It's gonna be okay, Buck."

Cat locked eyes with the Winter soldier, he walked up to her.

"Buttercup," He greeted.

"Captain Hook," She retorted.

"How longs is this gonna take?" Sam ignored them.

"For him as long as he needs. For us, five seconds."

"He's not coming back, is he?" She whispered.

"Don't know," Bucky replied.

"He can't stand it when others get the spotlight, huh?" Cat taunted. "Tony just died, the least he could do is pretend it was an accident."

"You have a rotten sense of humor."

"And yet people like me more than they like you," She remarked.

"They're idiots."

Steve fell into the tunnel and didn't come back on his mark. Banner tried to bring him but nothing was working. Sam got worried, Bucky turned around to leave, then stopped.

"Sam," He called.

The three of them approached the figure seated on a far bench.

"Go ahead," Bucky told them.

The others shared a look, they moved together.

"...Cap?"

"Hi, guys."

"You little shit," She crossed her arms.

"Did something go wrong, or did something go right?" Sam smiled.

"Well, after I put the stones back, I thought... maybe I'll try some of that life Tony and Cat were telling me to get."

"How'd that work for ya?"

"It was beautiful."

"Good. I'm happy for you. Truly."

"Thank you."

"Only thing bumming me out is the fact I have to live in a world without Captain America."

"Oh," Steve grabbed a package, his hands were thin and wrinkled. "That reminds me..."

He unwrapped a shield, one that had not been destroyed by Thanos.

"Try it on."

Sam looked back at Bucky and Bucky nodded encouragingly. He seized the shield and looked down at it with a frown.

"How does it feel?"

"Like is someone else's."

"It isn't."

Sam took a deep breath. "Thank you. I'll do my best."

"That's why it's yours."

He shook Steve's hand. The old man's attention fell on her.

"Why the long face, Heathen? I'm leaving you in good hands."

"I don't need 'em, I got my own."

"That's what I meant," He beamed. "Come here."

She sat beside him. Steve patter her knee, on his left hand he had a gold ring.

"I'm not sure you want to be on the team after all that's happened..."

She looked ahead, lost in thought. "I'd be angry at you if I didn't think saying goodbye feels liberating, to some extent. Without the Avengers, I won't be so pressured to live up to their standards. Who knows? Maybe this way I'll be better..."

"That's all we ever wanted for you," Steve nodded.

"Hey," Sam gestured at Steve's hand. "You're gonna tell us about her?"

"No," He grinned playfully. "No, I don't think I will."

"C'mon, Sam, don't be silly," Cat said matter-of-factly. "Her is a he, and he's standing right behind us! I always knew you guys would end up together, bit insulting that you didn't invite us to the wedding, though."

Steve laughed in a lighthearted way. "I guess he would've been alright, but I wouldn't want to steal your chance to shoot your shot. I heard you like that sort of older and grumpy fellow..."

"Oh God, I can't believe Pietro told you about that," She blushed.

"He loved talking about you, and we were always asking for updates," The old man squeezed her hand. "Whatever you do, Cat, remember you were loved. Remember your family."

They knocked on the door softly, once it opened Matthew welcomed them in.

"You could've said no, you know?"

"Right," He laughed dryly. "Refusing to help the heroes that brought everyone back— Who do you think I am?"

"The love of my life?" She teased. "Just tell us where to go, you're probably expecting friends and even if you're not, we shouldn't stay for too long..."

Matthew gave her a piece of paper. "Ask for Maggie, tell her I sent you."

"Who's Maggie?"

"My mother."

"You have a mother?" Her eyes widened.

"Mimi..."

"Right— sorry," She looked at Kurt and then back at Matt. "Thank you again."

"Keep in touch," He placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "Take care, alright?"

"Yeah," Cat smiled a little. "You too."

Twenty minutes after they left the building, she heard Kurt giggling.

"What?" She snapped.

"He's handsome," He raised a brow, still smirking. "And blind. Do you like him cause he can't see your creepy eyes and your weird friends?"

"Trust me, Smurf, he sees us," Cat heaved a sigh. "And yet he's never told me whether he thinks I'm attractive or not."

"Don't be a sinner, Mimic. Can't you see we're in church?"

Cat looked up and found herself standing outside a temple. She looked at her friend with a frown.

"Are you sure you'll be fine here? I mean, you're not exactly a beacon of sanctity."

"Hey, they're the ones that can't discriminate against me, right?" He shrugged. "As long as it's secluded and away from prying eyes, I should be fine. Maybe they'll end up liking me?"

"Well, Matt said this is a discrete place," She tilted her head. "I trust his judgment."

"Or you're blinded by love," Kurt taunted.

"You know better than to think I'm in love," She rolled her eyes. "I've got a stupid crush, that's all. I'm a busy woman, and he thinks I'm too young."

"But what if he didn't?"

"Then we would get married right away," She replied sarcastically. "Ya done with the dumb questions? Wrap that scarf properly and let's head inside."

"Once I hide here," Kurt continued as they entered. "What are you going to do?"

"I'll get a cheap apartment, I'll patrol the city with Daredevil, make sure we stay away from Spider-man... I'll visit you as often as possible."

"Are you going to go back to hiding? Once you're an agent, I mean."

"What would be the use of a spotlight, anyway? You see what putting a target on your back does to the people around you. Most of my friends are dead or no longer my friends, but still, I think it's better if I quietly move away from the public eye."

Kurt walked across the church's hall with her, stopping in front of the altar. "I think it's good that we're choosing to remain anonymous, we're free."

"It's a nice way to put it."

Cat stared at the colorful windows, it would take a while before she could feel good about living.

Next Phase —>

Taglist.

@ieatpanicattacksforlunch​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @jesuswasnotawhiteman​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @siriuslysirius1107​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @greengarsstuff​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @itsyagirl01 @23victoria​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @espressopatronum454​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @jkthinkstoomuch

#twoidiots writing #marvel #marvel fanfiction #marvel fic #copycat fic

[aswecollapse]

are you afraid of the dark? - the sight event

If you were rescuing people from a burning building and you had to leave one person behind from your friend group, who would it be?

If I had the option to do this, it would be myself. I don't think I'd ever be able to pick any of them to be subjected to something like that, nor would I want to live with that, which is less important by far. Plus, I'm basically heat-resistant so I don't think it would kill me before I could make it out.

2. Who is the funniest person here?

Hands down, Andy. All of my friends are funny, hilarious even, but he takes the cake. We say the same dumb shit, crack each other up to the point of wheezing/crying, and the inside jokes are endless. He is absolutely the funniest person I know.

3. What is the biggest mistake you’ve ever made?

Despite the changes it brought on to get out when I did, I will never let go of abandoning Luci. I just left with no warning, no explanation, nothing. She was a kid and I had no way to guarantee she would be safe after I left but I still did it. Even though things turned out okay and she's still doing well, I know it caused a huge strain on our relationship and I will always feel guilty for putting her through that. She deserved so much better.

4. If you had one word to describe how you feel right now, what would it be?

Overwhelmed.

5. What's the last thing you Googled?

Zillow Houses Salem

6. What's one thing you'd do if you knew there no consequences?

Disappear completely. At least for a while - no obligations with the band, with any other people, with anything at all. I'd spend the time just sleeping, no dreams or nightmares. Truly, I just want an actual break from existing for as long as possible but I know that'll never happen.

7. What is your biggest fear?

Not being enough for the people I care about most. Hurting them, being abandoned by them, them realizing I'm not worth their time. Additionally, I'm scared of it becoming a reality when I have an underlying, active fear that it's happening right before my eyes.

8. Who do you have a crush on?

This one is a wildly obvious answer but it's Spencer. He has been nothing short of amazing and wonderful from the start, long before we ever started dating or got closer, emotionally. There's been a pull towards him from day one and I can never express how much he means to me or how I feel about him - not in a way that would do it justice to how important he is to me. I absolutely adore him.

#task things*

[give-soup-please]

Narrator During a Power Outage Headcanons (reverse hurt/comfort)

After escaping the parable, he’s got a lot of leftover trauma

Most of it doesn’t rise all the way to the surface, but he’s very clingy

He does his best to respect your boundaries, and not follow you to places you don’t want him to go

But deep down, he’s terrified

Of losing you, of going back, of being stuck in never ending offices and hallways

So when your local electric company is doing some maintenance, and the power goes out, he really doesn’t handle it well.

To you, it's nothing out of the ordinary. You roll your eyes because this happens every couple of months, and your neighbors usually gather around to complain about it while wondering how long the current outage is going to be.

To him, he’s suddenly plunged into a too familiar blackness, the kind that appears during a reset. He lets out something between a shout and a yelp and begins to hyperventilate. 

You hear his muffled sounds coming from a nearby room, and wonder what’s gotten into him.

You follow the sounds he’s making until you two are sharing a space again.

“Narrator?” You call out, “Narrator, are you alright?”

He sucks in a breath through his teeth and you feel his presence winding around you tightly.

You were mildly confused, reaching out to pet the air without knowing what you were doing.

He seems stressed, so you decide to try and comfort him.

“It’s going to be okay, man. You’re safe.” 

He continues to coil around you, and you can feel his panic on your skin.

“You’re still here!” he cries, relieved. “I thought you were- I thought I had-”

Something starts to click in your head, a slight suspicion. Instead of confronting him directly about it, you edge around the perceived problem.

“Yes, you’re still here, I’m still here. The both of us are still together, sharing the same space and time.” You bit your lip, trying to think of what else to say, trying to think of the best way to keep him grounded.

“Narrator? I’d like you to answer a few questions for me, if you can manage.” you said, still trying to feel the air where he might be. You weren’t sure if he was someone who needed to be touched while frightened, but you reached out anyway, wanting to provide what you could. 

He takes a deep, steadying breath. 

“Okay. What is it?” 

“Where are you right now?”

“I-I’m in your living room.”

“Good. I know it's dark, but you can still see some shadows on the wall, right? Could you tell me what you see?”

“I- The couch, the table, the television, and you.”

You smiled.

“Good.” This next question was not going to be easy for you, emotionally, but you pressed on. 

“Do you remember who I am to you?”

He scoffed. “Of course I do. You’re my dear listener.” 

You grinned, not sure if he could see it in the dark. You loved it when he referred to you like that.

“Yes, I am.” You said, with no small amount of joy. “And I’m very glad we get to live our lives together. Now listen, I’m going to walk outside. Will you come with me?”

“You don’t have to ask.”

Eyes having adjusted to the lack of light, you found the door with relative ease.

Opening the door revealed the beautiful outside world. The sun was setting, and the remaining light shafted through the leaves in wonderful patterns.

Late night bird song trilled in the air, and you took a deep, grateful breath at being able to experience it all

His tension eased, and you were privately thankful. You’d never blame the narrator for being scared or having a bad day, but it was hard to think straight when his panic started to transfer to you, as it often did when his emotions were high. 

He still curled around you protectively, but you didn’t mind that in the least. You felt the ghost of a hand in yours, and relaxed.

“See?” you said. “It’s all still here, waiting for us.” 

After he was fully grounded, which took a while, you explained the concept of power outages, and you could almost sense an eye roll from him.

“How do humans manage a life where so much happens outside of their control?”

“It’s easier to get through when you have someone to share the chaos with.” 

“Yes, well. I am a rather grand being to share it with, aren’t I?”

Heh. he was definitely back to normal now, but you decided to indulge him anyway.

“Yeah. You are. Wouldn’t want to live this life with someone else.”

He let out a pleasant sort of hum, and you failed at hiding a smile.

“Can we stay out here for a bit longer?” He asked.

“Take as much time as you need.”

#the stanley parable #tsp #tsp narrator #i love him your honor #blorbo #headcanon #personal headcanon #stanley parable #yeah there have been some power outages in my area because our electric company is bad lol #and i wondered how someone with a slight trauma of darkness would handle it #feel free to send requests for headcanons in #im not going to be a headcanon blog mainly #but i do enjoy a good prompt every now and then #can be read as platonic or romantic #platonic self shipping? #yeah i have this weird idea that if the narrator isnt in human form hes a kind of presence you can feel #because there are times when he is closer or further from the mic than usual and it gives me asmr tingles every time #to me that speaks of a kind of spirit that comes and goes or a friendly ghost #i think if he existed in our reality you'd be able to pick up on whether he's in a room or not #sixth sense style? #romantic? #i still cant tell how i feel about him #romantic or platonic #narrator/you #narrator x you #tsp narrator/you

[nicoleheichou]

Now All I See Is Color - chapter 68: a selfish request (poly route)

♡ masterlist ♡ 《 previous | next 》

In a world where soulmates exist, it's uncommon for most people to find theirs. A lot of them going their whole lives never experiencing the world in color because they've never met their soulmate. But that all changes for y/n when she becomes MSBY Jackals player, Miya Atsumu's assistant. They're about to experience the world in color together. But what does that mean for y/n when both her and Atsumu are in committed relationships?

You can feel the nerves starting to get to you. All the doubts that you'd pushed to the back of your mind coming to the forefront. What if he thought it was a stupid idea? What would you do then? Would that mean you'd lose both of them? Before your doubts can pile up even more, you realize that you've arrived at the designated meeting location.

He sees you before you see him, too distracted with your thoughts to realize that you were on autopilot and had made your way to the back exit via muscle memory. "Dollface?" You're pulled back to reality, seeing him standing in front of you after not being able to talk to him at all the last 2 weeks, you realize just how much you've missed him.

"My love?" You didn't know if you should go in for a hug or not, considering the circumstances, but he makes the decision for you. He pulls you tightly into him, burying his face in your hair, taking in your scent and the feel of your body pressed against his. "You haven't decided yet, huh?" He says a little muffled by your hair. You shake your head, how was it that he knew you so well?

He pulls away to get a good look at you. "So tell me, what exactly is it that you're thinking of in that pretty head of yours? Because I can tell you're thinking of something." You let out a sigh, he could always read you so well. "So...I've been going back and forth the last 2 weeks trying to figure out what the right decision would be. And I've fought with myself over this, because this is just me being selfish. I don't want to lose either of you, Rin. I love you but I also care about Tsum, and if I suggest this, it's a way for me to not have to pick. But like I said, it's a selfish request."

"What is it?" You exhale, trying to find the right words to say. "What do you think of Tsum?" He looks at you, trying to figure out what you're trying to get at before shrugging. "He's one of my best friends, he's really important to me, I just want to see him happy." You nod your head, trying to think of how you were going to pose the next question. "Would you ever consider being in a relationship with him?" He raises a brow at you, confused, because weren't you trying to figure out if you wanted to be in a relationship with Atsumu??

"I did back in highschool." He says it so casually that your jaw drops. "My love?? Was he that crush you told me about in your third year that you were too scared to pursue?" He nods, eyes looking away from you and a slight tint of pink dusting his cheeks. You reach your hand up to rest on his cheek, your eyes softening at the rare display of bashfulness from him. "If I say that I want to be in a relationship with you and Tsum...would...that...would that...be...something you'd be open to? I'm not going to lie, it would definitely be challenging, adding a third person to our relationship, but he's someone we both care about. Tsum is someone we can both trust and I know that he'd fit in perfectly with us. That is if you both agree."

You notice how deep in thought he is. "You don't have to give me an answer right now, I can always tell Tsum I haven't decided yet." You say trying to ease the pressure off of him. "Let's do it. I care about you and if I'm being honest, the feelings I've had for Atsu haven't really gone away, they were just buried and hidden away because I was scared to act on them...but also because I found you." You can't hide the smile that creeps onto your face. In your excitement you pull him down to you and plant a kiss on his lips, he deepens it and you almost lose yourself in it before remembering that you still had one more person to convince.

You give a few quick taps on his chest before pulling away. "Let's continue this after we talk to Tsum and convince him to agree." He nods before reaching for your hand and leading you out the exit, on your way to find Atsumu.

and we're finally starting the poly route! i hope you guys enjoy it. i'm actually nervous with this one. lol

comment or message your thoughts!

oh and if you didn't know, i have a draken x reader smau going on too, and i'll be focusing on it more since naisic is coming to an end, so pls check it out here.

Taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @youidiot91 @https-sen @kyomihann @szeonn @chantalkate16 @onlyonew @ntimacy @underratedmage @90s-belladonna @simpletype @toshikamo @todomaniac @sumebreaks @sammistry @pansexualproblemchild @kozuelle @roselleviennesstuff @erensnubs @fantasycantasy @choozari @starsabove-me @halesandy @encrytpta @youraggedybitch @pablopascal @qualitygiantshoepsychic @iheartkuroorin @curiouslilbeast @cannibalcuriosity @fandomsgotmefucked @xhyunjinbbyx @grassbutneo @therealpussybangs @angelxsage @tetsuhoes @haikoochi @erinoikawa @starglow-xx @riceballsandanime @nashionalpotatocorner @fucktheworlddude @fo-love @xmyshya @bbyaj @kingggjaay @matsunshine @ashers-playpen @silver-liner @ayeputita

#haikyu smau #haikyuu smau #hq smau #smau #atsumu x reader #suna x reader #haikyu #haikyuu!! #hq #naisic

[all-about-seggs]

False Love-

Rating: ❌ 18+, Explicit ❌

Pairing- Timeskip! Yandere Oikawa Tooru x fem reader

Word count- 1.8 K

Warnings- Aphrodisiacs, fingering, dub-con, vaginal sex, Oikawa is delusional and sad.

A/n: This is my fic for the Valentine's day Collab that @ultimate-astridwriting hosted. I hope I was able to live up to their expectations (ᗒᗩᗕ).

Roaming around the busy streets of Palermo, ginormous heart shaped props occupying the narrow lane paints Oikawa's vision in scarlet. Love is in the air, as they say, was quite literally true for the beautiful city of Argentina.

In the midst of giggling couples and warm twinkling lights, the annoyed click of his tongue gets drowned out; Unnoticed ;making him recognise his own solitude.

Normally he'd have hoards of girls vying for his attention, trying to take him to their place but maybe it was because of his age, or the mountain of experience with the momentary flings that made him want to search for something deeper.

He used to be fine with superficiality of his relationships, the repeated cycle of getting himself off of any faceless women who came onto him then forgetting her existence the next day was fulfilling in itself. Afterall, his career has always taken priority.

Though the last remaining brain cells of his body tries to rationalise the situation he is getting himself in, Oikawa had already decided what kind of connection he wanted and and was just going to let himself have that. Selfishness is not something he ever disliked anyway.

He felt no need to hide his disdain, Oikawa wasn't one to be subtle about his pettiness either, that's why the contrasting emotions of his own, clashing with the jubilant ones of his surrounding annoyed him to no end.

The chocolates wrapped up neatly in his hand felt heavy, causing his fingers to tremble slightly. It wasn't the weight of the box but what he intended to do with the said item that made his insides twist with excitement.

Yes. It was excitement. Happiness and pure bliss that he felt when he rang the doorbell of your modest appartment in the costal side of the city. Despite having the sea right next to your place, the cold February air still made you shiver as you opened the door to see Oikawa standing at your doorsteps, all smiles with a dash of extra in his typical 'hand on the hip' pose.

Surprised wouldn't even being to describe your current state of shock. You spend the next few seconds just starting at his ever confident form before his voice brings you back to your senses.

" Yooohooo~ babe, I'm sure I don't look 'that' good. I just finished with practice so my hair's probably a mess right now", he continued on with his cheery tone,

" Come on, It's not like you have anyone else to spend Valentine's with, so why not just let me in already and look", dangling the expensive looking bag in front of your eyes, his expression took on a slightly sinister turn in their features, the kind that went away as soon as they appeared not leaving any trace of its original condescending vibes.

" I made these chocolates for you", emphasizing on the made part he stares right into your eyes, as if waiting for his well earned praise. Heaving a sigh of defeat you release the door know you didn't knew you had in a death grip, opening the door completely in a gesture to usher him inside.

Oikawa quickly makes himself at home, plopping down on your couch with his long legs stretched.

This was the first time you had seen him after the rejection of the high in demand position of his girlfriend. The face he made when you turned him down was of utter disbelief so much so that you almost reconsidered your decision. But you weren't that wishy washy in your opinions and his was a type you made sure to ignore.

You were aware of his salty personality and the habit of holding grudges, so you thought after that fateful day he'd ignore you like the plague, but for all his arrogance Oikawa's face was the epitome of gleeful.

" Soooo", starting off with an awkward note you casually try to sit on the furthest arm chair from the couch Oikawa was currently occupying and tried to ask what exactly was he expecting out of his current visit but he quickly cut you off by his own booming voice.

" Before all that, why don't you try these?", Pointing to the chocolates he starts unwrapping them, as he pulls the decorative ribbon, two rows of brown, heart shaped delicacies appeared.

"Don't be shy, I made these for you afterall", he remarked, pushing the box on your side of the table.

You didn't think much of it, afterall, 'making' chocolates just means buying store bought ones and just melting them into different shapes right?

Popping one small cube in your mouth you let it dissolve, your taste buds filling up with the sweetness of the treat. Just as it finished you heard Oikawa speak again.

"You probably know why I'm here, but I'll tell you again", readjusting his posture, he sits straight, both the look in his eyes and tone taking a more serious turn.

" I thought about why turned me down that day and I finally realised......You were just scared weren't you?", rather than upset he sounded relieved as he continued with self assuredness ,

" Of commitment? Or because of my job? Either way I can already assure you that I was already prepared to put you above everything else if the situation calls for it".

You were just sitting, listening to his outrageous conclusions when you felt your heartbeat increase. The sweaty palms of your hand to the moistness in your core, your entire body started reacting in ways you'd never experience before.

"You thought that I'd keep our relationship on the back burner and only focus on my career? You were just lonely weren't you?", With every passing second his delusional words seemed to work with more and more intensity that didn't helped your hyperventilating state at all.

"And you rejected me because you didn't wanted to have an absent boyfriend right? So in reality-", by the time he finished he was already in front of you, the fire in the depths of your core made your mind hazy and eyes unfocused. You wanted to ask what was happening or what he put in those chocolates but forming any coherent words was a feat on its own in your current condition.

He smoothly takes one of your burning hand in his cool ones, the contact making you instantly lean onto him for more. You're sitting in a daze when he pulls you up from the arm chair and places you on his lap back on the longer couch.

In your already aroused state, the soft strokes of Oikawa's fingers on your scalp made you succumb further into the need for release as you sit on his lap with your head resting against his shoulder. The room was now quite safe for his soothing voice that came from right about your head.

"You love me right?", the words that come out of his mouth in the heated moment betrayed all his attempts at feigned composure. He may have spiked the chocolates with some sort of aphrodisiacs but the way your heart hurted after hearing this made it seem more like a love potion.

With his barely audible voice they sounded almost like a plea, another desperate measure to get what he wanted.

Before you could even notice, your vision tilts and you find yourself pinned to the couch, with Oikawa hovering right above you. His hands on your sweatpants, lowering them all the way to your ankles. And the weirdest thing?

You didn't wanted him to stop.

Not when he spread you out completely in front of him. Not when he was shamelessly staring at your naked pussy with a maniacal glint in his eyes and definitely not when he shoved two of his thick digits up your leaking pussy that covered his entire palm in your slick at the slightest of contact.

Your soft walls clenching around his fingers was all he needed before he stared unzipping his own pants. He gazed at your panting body while he pulled his cock out, flipping you on your stomach with your ass up and face shoved down.

You barely cared about anything but getting fucked good at this point when you heard some rumbling behind you, as soon as Oikawa was done putting on a condom he lined himself up against your entrance.

Not wasting any more time he slips past your folds until he is buried to the hilt. The feeling of being stretched out and filled to the brim coaxed out a few lewd moans from your mouth.

Your slick was enough to make Oikawa pick up a hard and fast pace, your entire body shook with every thrust of his. He kept his hands on your waist, pushing himself as deep as he can before pulling out until only the tip remains. Your own orgasm started building up with his every action.

His member throbbed against your insides and the moans that slipped past his gritted teeth indicated he already came but his cock showed no signs of softening as he kept going with his brutal pace.

You bury your head sideways, tongue lolling out and covering the fabric beneath it in your drool as Oikawa lodges his cock further into your pussy from behind. He moves in and out of you with ease, the slick from both your pussy and his previous release was more than enough to keep his memeber going.

Gripping your ass cheek in one hand, he trails his other one in between your thighs. Quickly his digits grazes your clit, the pressure they added along with the heavy thrusts pulled you closer to the edge. The anticipation of your impending release was all your lust laden head could think about the feeling of ecstasy that you desperately needed.

The intensity of your orgasm made your eyes roll back, and if it wasn't him holding you firmly in place, you probably would've fell down the couch. With your entire body shaking your panted heavily from your mouth to calm yourself.

Oikawa doesn't make any attempt to pull out or move and even after your breathing becomes even his member is still lodged deep inside you. He gently starts gyrating his hips against your pussy again and it becomes obvious that you weren't the only one under the effects of aphrodisiacs.

As cum trickles down your inner thighs, all you could decipher was the overwhelming bolts of pleasure Oikawa's cock provided and the sounds of your skin smacking against eachother's.

With his hands on both of your sides, he lowers himself down until your back was flush against his toned chest, his raspy voice rumbled through your ear as he spoke in a dark possessive tone,

"Don't forget..... we are in love"

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyu #haikyu x reader #Oikawa #oikawa toru x reader #Oikawa Tooru #haikyuu oikawa #Haikyuu Smut #smut #Oikawa Tooru x reader #Oikawa smut #my writing #valentine's day collaboration #tw: yandere #tw: dub con

[oikoik]

—the color of a bruise (part one)

warnings; depictions of mild violence/self-defense, cursing

word count; 1298

a/n; part one is here! I hope you all look forward to the series and thank you for all the support already!

(7:47pm; Miyagi suburbs)

Everything hurt. Even the chill in the air seemed to cling to your bones. It had been a long day. Your classes seemed more like lectures and your brain could barely make out left from right as you made the familiar trek back to your apartment. Dusk had begun to fall upon the city, the few lampposts that lined the street emitted a soft orange glow onto the sidewalk.

The accounts of the day replayed in your mind, and you couldn't help the soft groan that fell past your lips as you realized you'd finally have a day off tomorrow. A break was much needed, and you were sure as hell going to enjoy it.

Your thoughts were on what you'd order for dinner that night when you turned into the alleyway that would act as a shortcut to your place. Unlike most nights, when the alley is silent and void of any commute stragglers such as yourself, there were three figures off to the side a few meters ahead. Upon closer inspection, you were able to make out two of those figures as being boys, most likely not much older than yourself, being hassled by the another taller, looming person. You were convinced they could handle themselves. Sure, they were pretty small, but there was two of them, they'd be fine, right?

You were merely about to pass by when you saw the older man shove one of them to the ground with such a force that it left your blood boiling under your skin. From the faint orange glow of the overhead lamp, you noticed the traces of blood accenting the ridges of the boy's face. Any anxiety in your system dissipated at the sight, now being replaced with rage in the pit of your stomach.

You noticed the boy who was still standing gawk at you as you neared, subtly trying to gesture for you to just keep walking, but you ignored the attempt. As soon as you were a little less than a meter away from the back of the attacker, you could feel the anger kept tightly in your chest come seeping out in rage-laced words, "Hey, jackass!"

Your hand was in your backpack, firmly gripping the can of mace you never left home without. The moment the man turned, you unleashed a fat stream of the burning liquid to the man's face. "Fucking pick on someone your own size!"

Doubled over, the man yelled incoherent curses, but you failed to recognize them. The world surrounding you ceased to exist the moment you spotted the hefty pistol clutched in the man's left hand.

Your pulse thundered in your ears as you stared at it, any previous emotions now being replaced with a primal fear. Amidst your frozen panic, one of the boys clutched almost painfully onto your arm, dragging you with him as he and the other ran down the street.

It wasn't until you made a sharp turn that your sense of reality came back. You began pumping your legs as fast as you could, somehow managing to keep up with the athletic strides of the two boys. Panting, you painfully sucked in breaths of stuffy air while also trying to recollect your thoughts.

The ginger haired boy spoke first, "Who are you?"

Still struggling to process the fact you saw an actual gun that could have actually killed you, you let out a shaky breath. "Y/N."

The same boy placed a hand on your shoulder, with a pearly white smile, and a grin on his lips, "You just saved our lives."

“My dad always told me to never leave home without my mace. Thank god I actually listened to him for once.”

The other boy, however, couldn't help but feel immense sympathy for you. It was written all over his face as he whispered just quietly enough for himself to hear, "What have you done?"

(5:32pm; Miyagi)

Three days had passed since you met and departed from the two boys you encountered on the lonely street. After you had gone your separate ways, you figured you'd never hear of them again and would simply slip back into a normal routine.

You were wrong, so very wrong. Your kind act of playing the Good Samaritan brought to you an entirely new sense of reality.

You had been out for most of the day, morning classes and the afternoon in the library. Your backpack seemed to weigh even heavier on your shoulders as you made the walk back home.

More than anything, you wanted to kick off your shoes, take off your pants, and pass the hell out for a few hours. However, you ideal evening plans came to a halt the moment you got to your front door.

With the sun beginning to dip below the horizon, the West-bound windows offered you substantial light to see shadows moving about your living from the crack below the door. Immediately, your muscles tensed, and you quietly reached for the can that had just saved your life previously in the week. Hesitantly, you began to unlock the door, pushing the knob ever so slightly. The moment the door was cracked open wide enough, the can was in front of you.

With extended arms, you positioned yourself in as threatening of a stance as possible in case the intruders felt the desire the pounce back. What you weren't expecting, though, was the undeniably handsome man sitting at the breakfast bar.

As you peered around the room, you took notice of several other men, all dressed finely, and all sharing features that you could argue resembled that of Adonis. Although you flaunted you're weapon of choice, none seemed to be fazed by the blatant threat you were trying to appear as.

"Ah, there you are." The man perched at the kitchen bar smiled warmly at you.

You did not smile back. "Who the hell are you?"

He took a glance at your still outstretched can of mace, his smile never leaving him. "You must be Y/N."

"How the fuck do you know my name, and I asked you a damn question--who the fuck are you?"

At your tone, a few of the other men surrounding you seemed to go stiff with your words, eyeing the reaction of the man sitting across from you.

"Before we get any further, I think it might be best if you put away the mace, from what I've heard, you're an excellent shot."

"What the hell does that mean? I'm not moving until you tell me who the fuck you guys are and why you're in my house."

"You see, Miss Y/N, I can't really discuss much here. It would be much better if we could do this at a more discreet location."

Immediately , the warnings your father always gave you came rushing back to your mind and you couldn't help but scoff, something that caught the man off guard.

"I've been alive on this goddamn earth long enough to know what goes down at secondary locations, so don't you dare think I'm going anywhere with you, fuckhead."

One of them to your right instantly tried to square you up, but halted at the gesture of the man before you. He chuckled. However, it was clear you were wearing down his patience.

"My, my, my, you really do enjoy making things difficult, don't you, kitten?"

He took a daring step towards you, watching as your reflexes naturally made you jerk the mace to be level with his face, your finger lingering just above the trigger.

"But I'll have you know, my men and I have absolutely no interest in bringing you harm. Quite the opposite, actually."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m here to offer you a job.”

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu #hq!! #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu angst #haikyuu series #mafia au #my writing #the color of a bruise

[kae-karo]

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to be nice/respectful and shippy/enjoy demon moments. Sometimes I wonder if analyzing DnP interactions so closely might be crossing a line. I'm not coming after anyone, I just respect you a great deal and think you'd have insight into how to have fun with shippy stuff and also respect them as people. What are your tips?

hey b! i think a lot about this honestly, like probably more than i should tbqh but here’re my thoughts (i’m enjoying the fact that this is apparently a valid contraction lmao)

first and foremost: being a demon means we inherently exist in a morally grey zone. i don’t want to stand here and say ‘oooo yeah we’re pillars of morality bc we say we’re being respectful’ like we shouldn’t ever get in the mindset that there’s nothing wrong with being demon (the term is what it is for a reason....we ain’t callin ourselves angels)

here’s the thing. and i talk a lot abt being respectful of dnp, so like. idk search ‘respect’ on my blog or smth i have lots of opinions lmao. but to me being respectfully demon means

not purposely/directly bringing relationship/shipping/etc stuff to the attention of dnp. it exists, they know it does, but it’s rude and disrespectful of us to throw it in their faces or give them them impression that all we care abt from this vid or that is ooooh dnp you were sitting so close and ooh the heart eyes dan you’re so in love with phil etc etc (examples: it’s disrespectful to ask if phan is real! esp during liveshows! or to @ mention dnp on phanart - the phan kind - that isn’t yours!)

enjoying the cute moments - so long as that’s not all we care about! i think this is where things get tougher, bc we love their relationship and we enjoy doing these little analyses (or big analyses) but we should always be checking ourselves: is the reason we’re here/posting this thing/reblogging this post primarily bc we like to overanalyze their relationship? or is it bc we enjoy their content, and looking at their relationship is a bonus? (examples: this is harder, but it’s more an internal thing and thinking abt why you loved a vid/piece of content - was it purely bc they almost touched in that one part? bc there were a lot of heart eyes?)

acknowledging that dnp aren’t stupid. they’re quite aware of the things we harp on (heart eyes, touches, innuendos, etc). within their videos and the non-live content they choose to post, i firmly believe they know when they’re including smth that might catch our attention. maybe not every time, or every thing, but some of the big stuff, and they’re choosing not to cut it out. i’m not saying this is express permission for us to pick apart every vid without care, but again, there are ways to be respectful and enjoy these moments without letting them take priority over the entire vid/content ahem trying to live my truth (examples: the pizza thing in the google feud vid! they chose to keep that in, so if we talk abt it being adorable and domestic, nothing exceptionally harmful there!)

being cognizant consumers of phanfic - dnp are well aware phanfic exists, and it’s been years since they’ve felt the need to actively address it, but that doesn’t mean we should assume they don’t care. it’s really really important to remember that phanfic is fiction. even the hcs and blurbs and stuff like that, they are not dnp. if you’ve not watched it, i highly recommend pj’s vid on fandom (x) as it hits some v good points about fandom in general and this specifically (examples: watch the vid srsly but apparently people have left him angry comments abt things he as a character did in a fanfic? it’s important and healthy to regularly go ‘yep okay that was a phanfic/hc, not reality’ and take time to ground yourself - esp with hcs, we sort of fill in the blanks from stuff we don’t know in their lives, and it’s really easy to forget that we don’t actually know)

being cognizant consumers of dnp-related content - we see funny posts cross our dash all the time, some more demon than others, and it’s important to encourage the behavior we want to see and not encourage the behavior we don’t want to see. we can police ourselves, ofc, but there will always be phans out there that take things too far, and we can have an effect on toxic or problematic behavior by not giving it the same attention we give to other more positive/respectful dnp-related content (examples: i mean i honestly just straight up unfollow people who post too much stuff like that, but really it’s just a matter of taking a second and assessing your reaction to a post and going ‘okay, is this smth that might be a bit much?’)

checking ourselves regularly - and i know this is smth i need to work on myself sometimes, as it’s very easy to get drawn down the rabbit hole on something and not realize that we might be digging too much, taking things too seriously or too far. fandom is meant to be fun, if we’re getting in an argument or too involved in discourse, it might be time to take a step back and consider whether this is something we should even be discussing, or something that we should be discussing in such detail (examples: discourse, esp about coming out or sharing a room or who tops or their behaviors with regards to a relationship together or w.e and i’m trying to minimize it on my blog - although i do want to get through everyone’s asks - bc, while i want everyone to be able to express their opinions, there are def times it goes too far and, bc we exist in a grey zone, it’s hard sometimes to realize when we’ve wandered from the light grey to the dark grey)

not taking anything too seriously - this sort of goes along with the last one but we want to enjoy being here! we love dnp, we love their vids, we love the friends we’ve made and our fave blogs, our fave writers and artists and gif-makers and edit-makers and content creators, so we shouldn’t take anything too seriously (and we should be able to tell, or be on the lookout for signs to indicate, whether a blog is posting something good-naturedly/jokingly or posting something in order to cause a stir/be disrespectful) (examples: someone makes a really dumb shitpost that we think is hilarious but is also very clearly a shitpost with no serious meaning? cool, probably not immensely harmful to reblog it. someone makes a post that seems to be seriously commenting on smth that might be a bit too private/personal or we think is taking things a bit too far? leave it alone. unfollow the person if we feel they’re going too far too often)

moral of the story here: we aren’t perfect angels, but there are ways to be mindful of what we’re doing/saying, mindful of what we’re consuming, and mindful of how we’re interacting both with dnp and with other phandom members. we should try to be cognizant and aware, ask ourselves if something might be propagating something that could be harmful to dnp in some way, and regularly ground ourselves in reality - because, at the end of the day, dnp are real people and, while it’s fun to take things out of the realm of reality for a bit, we’re fans of the real dnp and we definitely want to show that!

#dnp #dan and phil #phan #dip and pip #respectfully demon #wow this ended up being v v long #but i hope it helps? #i know i'm still working on some of this stuff #but we can always improve #and it's always good to take a step back and asses how we're doing #if we're being respectful #and if we're enjoying their content in a respectful way #that doesn't prioritize their relationship over the actual content #anon #ask #kt

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

04 - Learning To Receive

These chapters songs:

Moonlight On The River; Mac Demarco

Nostalgic Feel; Bedroom

New Flesh; Current Joys

——

TW: Self-harm, death.

(Not done by you, don't worry)

——

- K.S. Perspective

      Only two or three days had passed since high school had started, which meant only a couple more walks home with Y/n. They were shorter and quiet, and of course, there weren't any swerving cars.

But so far, what I had suspected was correct. She and I made amends and became buddies, thankfully.

      The only times she was left alone were when I had morning practice, and she had to have one of her friends drive her home. Either that or she would have to walk home alone. I would've loved to accompany her, but volleyball was something I didn't take lightly, and my priorities were important to me.

      Both I and my younger brother participated in volleyball and gave it our all ever since we were able to balance on our feet. Sadly, our parents were far too busy to go to any games, or even help us practice at home. But their goal was for their kids to grow up strong and steady with good grades and good stats, so that's why they made sure my younger brother and I were on top of our shit.

      Once my first year ended, I didn't expect that I would have to carry so many burdens all in one year. That's around the time mother had died from sickness, which left me with doubts, wishes, and an unaccomplished relationship with her.

      After the sudden death, our family didn't move on very well. My brother developed anxiety and depression, and he eventually had to take a break from school and volleyball. Then, my father became dull and increased his hours at work to avoid coming home to such a depressing home, leaving my brother and me to continue caring for ourselves, by ourselves.

      I, on the other hand, had barely anything to say about it. All I could do was pose as if I were handling it better than I had. Truth is, my mother's death changed my entire persona. I grew grim and gummy, deprived myself of rest, and repressed the trauma I've received. Not only did I overwork myself because of volleyball and stress, but I also grieved in harmful ways. It'd either be a blade to the wrist, or a night with a girl; anything that could help distract me from my state of deep dejection.

      It's been that way ever since. Only recently have I realized that I'm ruining whatever recovery I built up. That was all because of my best friend— Daichi— who had helped me come out about my feelings towards my mom's passing. Ever since, I've been able to learn from my mistakes, and slowly pick my life back up. I was beginning to become a better player for my team, better support for my family, and a better person for myself.

      That only happened recently. So now, I'm left with lots of things to mend, and relationships to make. I'm determined that I'll mourn more healthily than before.

——

      "Y/n!" A hopeful call leaves my lips, turning her head. As assumed, it was Y/n. Today she looked even brighter than before; she just has gotten more sleep. Not to mention she wore long socks instead of leggings, which must have been pretty hard in this weather.

      I didn't get to see her this morning due to morning practice, but I did catch her before lunch. Just enough time to tell her I won't be riding the bus tonight either.

      I look both ways of the cross hallway, before grabbing my book bag strap with both hands and jogging towards Y/n. I wasn't sure why I was so eager to see her, but all I knew was I needed a refreshing moment, and she could give me exactly that.

      "Why hello, Mrs. Refreshing!" I joke, bowing my head towards her while she giggled. Looking up, she stands there, shining by the sunlight that reflected on the windows.

      'If I could, I'd take a photo of you right here, just to show you how gorgeous you are.' I quickly put a halter on my thoughts, snapping back to a respectful filter. 'No, I can't do that. Not to myself, most definitely not to Y/n.'

      "You look nice today!" I exclaim, awkwardly patting the side of my hips while smiling at her. Hopefully, I hadn't made her uncomfortable in the first ten seconds of talking to her. The last thing I wanted was to ruin yet another relationship with a girl.

      Thankfully, Y/n responded with kind appreciation to my comment. "Why thank you, sir. And what brings you in my presence?" Her words curl in a formal British accent, adding onto our joke.

      Standing normally, I explain, "Oh, nothing. I just wanted to say hi, and to tell you I might not be walking home with you today. I'm really sorry,  practice has been very necessary for our team. I-I hope you understand." I stutter on the last part, with a gentle tone to add on. Ditching Y/n for most of the week wasn't what I had planned at first, but what I had told her was 100% true. The first years, as well as the rest of us, we're in bad shape. With our spring tournament coming up, we had no time to waste.

      "Oh, that's alright. I understand. I was in volleyball too, after all. Although, I do wish you could still accompany me. It gets a little lonely.." She looks down for a minute while I contemplate my existence entirely. 'So it does bother her.' But she quickly caught onto my thoughts by my expression and came up with a solution. "If— if you'd like, I can simply stay near the gym until practice is over! That way I can see you and your boys in action, yeah?"

      Her fists pop up into the air, as a bright smile appeared on her face. If you didn't know Y/n personally, you would expect them to be cold stone and dull. But in reality, I find they're like everybody else, and have a bright side to them, just like the one that was being portrayed right now.

      Nodding with her statement, I reply hesitantly. "Hm, I'd have to ask the captain, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind—"

      "Oh, Daichi? We're buddies, he'll be alright." I'm dazed by what she'd said, pausing the motion of rubbing my neck. She and Daichi hang in completely different groups, though! 'How is it they know each other? They hang around two very different friend groups.. that is unless they have some type of history I'm unaware about.' I think to myself, trying my best to find a reason they would be friends, but I couldn't. And so, I begin my questioning. "You two know each other?"

      Suddenly, Y/ns gaze twists. "Suga, you introduced me to them during our first year, silly. Remember? I went with you from practice once. And besides that, my good friend Miya is close to him."

      "Oh, yeah! I remember that. That means you only know Asahi, Daichi, and Kiyoko, right? I've gotta introduce you to the rest of the team! I'm sure they've missed you!" I chuckle, throwing an arm around her shoulders cautiously, expecting her to reject it. But she goes on casually with our discussion.

      "That's right.. well... I'm also— sort of— friends with them. Well, except Asahi. But Kiyoko and I are pretty close."

      '?' I tilt my head at the uncertain tone she spoke with. "Pretty close?" I ask, turning into the cafeteria with my arm still around her. The room is, of course, crowded as hell.

      Still, I manage to draw out what Y/n was saying to me, leaning my ear close to her mouth for better audio. "Yes! She's one of my best friends.. we used to date and it didn't work out, but we're pretty tight!"

      'DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT?!' My eyes widen, and I immediately let go of her, tightening my hands around the strap of my school bag. A gulp falls down my throat before I ask, "Did you say.. date?! You mean you two went out?!"

      To my surprise, Y/n nods proudly. "Yes! Why, did you not think she'd go out with a girl? Or is it so astonishing that I could ever get a girl like her?" She teases, while I'm still puzzled. So many questions ran through my head at the sudden fact: was Kiyoko gay? Was Y/n gay?! Does that mean she's gotten closer to Kiyoko than anyone before??

      "Suga, calm down. It's not like we're still together. As I said, it didn't work out!" She smirks towards me, putting a finger up towards her cheek. "Why? You got a little crush on her..? I wouldn't blame you."

      "N-no! It's not like that! It's just— she never told any of us. I guess she just keeps to herself more than predicted." My sentence comes out to sound like a question, rather than a response. It wasn't that I didn't support it, or that I was surprised Kiyoko would be her girlfriend. Honestly, I was just a little jealous of both of them.

      Either way, it seemed it didn't work out. So it didn't matter now. "Anyway, we're about best friends now, so I'm pretty familiar with your team. I don't think they would mind if I came, but just in case, I'll ask Daichi and Kiyoko." She explains, before looking back towards the slowly dying crowd of students in front of the cafeteria. "I better go soon, Suga. I'll let your captain know I'll be heading over there later—"

      "Wait!" I shut my eyes out of nervousness, as my brain wires work to come up with an excuse for why I yelled that. "You used to play volleyball, right?"

      An awkward nod from Y/n is given to me, followed by, "Yes, but I was sort of just a bench warmer. Nothing big." The hands that held her lunch box gripped tighter, as she suspected I would ask her a favor much larger than a lunch.

      "Mind helping me teach one of our new members how to receive?" I say. "His name is Hinata, and he's a first year. He has great talent and has great potential, but he kind of... sucks at volleyball. I mean, from what I've heard, he practices a lot. But I just think he needs some guidance. So, want to?"

      "Uhm... I'm pretty rusty.. but sure! It wouldn't hurt, right? Besides, I think I need a break from my friends wouldn't do any harm."

      'Yes, I did it.' I thought to myself, before leading her towards the doors that led to the gym. "Alright then, right this way!"

      "Suga! Don't you need your bag?" She immediately asks, tugging on my collared shirt. But I shake my head, responding with a light smile.

      "It's already outside, I just came to check on you, is all."

——

      Up, down, and up again went the ball. Each receive that Hinata had tried had failed every time. At this point, I wouldn't blame Y/n if she wanted to leave. But there she sits against the concrete wall of the outside of the gym, licking white rice off a spoon.

      "Hinata, drop your hips down more," I say to him, demonstrating the position I had stated. "Hit the ball like you're trying to return it where it came from. Got it?"

      Hinata's light expression appears on his face once again. "Yeah, got it!" He exclaims, before getting right into position. I signal the ball is going in the air before my palm hits it in the right spot, sending it towards him.

      And it shoots right back, along with a slap against Hinata's wrists. "Nice!" He praises himself, leaving a feeling of proudness deep within me.

      I'd never been able to teach somebody one of my special skills and having them accomplish it, not the way I did with Hinata. But that was mostly because he was driven by his entire body and soul to memorize every movement in his muscles to create a perfect receive. And who had taught him that? Your one and only.

      "Would you like me to start setting for you tomorrow morning?" I ask the ginger with confidence he'd reply with a yes. Thankfully, that's exactly what happened. His eyes light up in the sun, and his hands take full hold of the ball. "Y-you mean it, sir?!"

      The cold wind hits me, as well as another dosage of serotonin from the first year."Well, I am Karasuno's official setter after all! And you wanna practice spikes, right?" I ask, placing my red hands onto my hips.

      "Exactly! I love to spike! It feels so good when you get it right, and it's cooler than anything!" He shouts. I couldn't help but laugh at his excitement, even if it wasn't the first time he'd portrayed it. Hinata sure reminded me of my past self, and I'd do anything to help first-year Sugawara.

      Y/n suddenly joins our conversation, digging into a reason why Hinata is the way he is when it comes to spikes. "You must have a thing for spiking, don't you?"

      Hinata nods, putting a fist towards his face. "Yes. I didn't have a setter throughout middle school, and I was actually the only club member until my third year of junior high. I used to get my friend in the Basketball Club to toss for me, but after I had dropped out of the club, I went to anybody that could help me practice. Take the first years, and the ladies and setters from the girls' team, too. I've made a lot of friends along the way, but none of those people could ever become my real teammates. That's why I was dying to find out what kind of setters were in high school— but now.. you know."

      Hinatas pure passion dies down once he reaches the word 'setter', and I wouldn't blame him. The person he's supposed to be paired with is his complete opposite, and frankly, a dick-head. "Well, as I said, I'm a setter too. I'll toss you a few, Hinata! Don't get all down."

      I was expecting further satisfaction, but instead, his expression twists into envy. "But it's just that if I have you throw to me now, it kind of feels like... I'm losing." He frowns, looking away from my figure in anger.

      "You're just like someone I know, Hinata!   Always competitive." Y/n says, placing her small bento to the side, and lifting herself from the shaded spot she sat in. Her hands dust off her navy blue skirt, and her blazer comes off. "Why're you so competitive when it comes to Kageyama?"

      "If you ask me, it's better to avoid making enemies with those kinds of people." I join in.

      She wraps her hands around Hinatas shoulders, leaning over his shoulder. "You know, Hinata, you're not as bad as you make yourself out to be. Wanna know a secret about Kageyama?"Without hesitation, Hinata is fully interested in what Y/n had to say. Frankly, so was I.

      "Whatever you see from Kageyama is something he's learned from other players. He wasn't always so snobby; he used to be calmer and kinder. But once he was shown what he could do with his talent, it went to his head. Don't let that become you, Hinata! You have so much potential it's insane! I've never met anybody with as much love for volleyball as you." She pulls up her sleeves, getting into position for a receive, signifying I could rest now. "

      "How do you know what he used to be like, Y/n?" Hinata asks her, sending the ball into the air. My eyes follow it, but my ears listen intently to their conversation.

     "Well, I went to the same middle school as him. When he was a first-year, I was a third. Me and my friend we're on the girls' team, while my other three friends were on the boys' team. The four of us practiced every second of the day, which meant the two teams spent a lot of time together. Everything Kageyama knows is from another player; don't think he's just magically good at volleyball. Anyway, I don't know much about Kageyama, but I do know that he's changed dramatically." She explained. Just then, the bell for our sixth period had rung, and doors were heard opening and closing, as well as students fluttering around hallways.

       The three of us pause our mini practice and gather out things where they were settled. Thoughts ran through my head as I put my school blazer back onto my torso. If Y/n went to the same middle school as Kageyama, that must mean she knows a lot about Aoba Johsai: one of our greatest enemies in volleyball. And if she knows him, could she be familiar with his playstyle? In that case, having her around would not harm the team.

      "Sugawara, I'm off." She's heard saying from behind me, while she put her school bag over her shoulders. "Thank you for having me here with you and Hinata, I'm glad I could be of help."

      I nod in response, nervously breathing through the teeth."Yes, of course. Uhm— would you like me to pick you up from your classroom later on? Either that, or you could walk to the gym after band practice." I ask the young girl, longing for more time to hang about her.

      Then, she began walking backward, meanwhile talking. "I think I'll be just fine, Sugawara. No need to worry about me all the time. I've managed without you the past couple of days haven't I?" Her h/c danced with the wind as she did so, and the corners of her lips rose as she said so.

      "That's right.. I'll catch you later then!" I manage to shout out, raising a hand for a gentle wave, but it was too late. Y/n was already turning into the doors of the school, returning the gesture.

      Somehow, she always found a way to make the chains around my heart tighten a bit more. What was it that drew me towards Y/n? Hell, if I knew. "Wow, Sugawara. You've got yourself a pretty friend! She seems nice, too." Hinata expresses, looking agar with me. "Is she your girlfriend, or something?"

      "No, Hinata. Just an old friend. Someone who may know me better than anybody, you know." Y/n; The girl who knew her way around my heart.

—

Hey everybody, sorry I've been M.I.A for a while. Don't worry, I'm not giving up on my ff!!! I would never do that. This fan fiction is super duper important.

Please note my chapters!! It lets me know you guys enjoy them.

Make sure to be taking care of yourself: drink water, go outside, eat something, and heal yourself after hard work:) It's currently mental awareness month, and it's very important to be taking time for yourself.

love you guys

- Sugawara's beauty mark

[babaleshy]

Something I May Need to Stop Doing...

I'll be venting in this post, but this is about the desire to move out of a desperate want for change right now even though such a move is not meant to be.

On occasion, I go onto zillow's website and check out houses around Pittsburgh out of curiosity just to see what houses are going for what price in what kind of condition. I've noticed something incredibly enticing: there are some houses going for under $100,000 and are technically livable. It's just got flaking/chipping paint, may need new rugs, and other general clean-ups. The only "major" thing I wanna do to any of these houses falling under this criteria is the fact that I feel more comfortable with a tin roof.

These houses that I find are within city limits, most of these houses I've shown an interest in are close to sidewalks. This means if I were to move into one of these houses, then I'd have a chance to properly commute!

Ah, but why exactly am I making this post? What is it that I'm venting about? And what did I mean earlier when I said "not meant to be?"

Back in 2014 (autumn, specifically), my husband and I had to move out of our apartment in downtown Pittsburgh to my parents' farm in Ohio. Two reasons made us do this: one was the skyrocketing rent prices when HUD sold our building, causing rent to go from $539/mo to $720/mo. My husband worked at a casino, and was making $10/hr, so when rent prices went up like mad, we really began to struggle to survive. The other thing was bedbugs. The building manager laughed at our discomfort and said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Where would everyone go for the building to be treated?" Like, you're a shit manager if you haven't come up with those contingency plans.

Paying $720/mo for a bedbug-infested apartment (bedbugs are fucking hard to get rid of) and living in a constant state of itchy breakout made us decide it was time to move in with my parents. Because we literally could not afford to live anywhere else, and our student loan debt fucked up our credit scores, so we couldn't even get a house (and we were looking for one at the time!).

We used to think living on this farm was temporary until reality set in, that there is absolutely no possible way for us to make it on our own now. My husband has ADHD and anxiety and is still struggling to practice to get his driver's license (it's hard when my dad is a major source of my husband's stress; my dad's an asshole and gets worse by the year), and I'm Autistic, so I can't hold down a regular job, and nothing else is hiring.

In terms of getting a job for me at all, either I'd have to go to school for my special interest for the job (ecology, entomology, and/or paleontology) or I'd rather work in a library.

Welp, college is far too expensive for me to pay out of pocket, and my already existing student loan debt is barring me from getting any sort of financial aid to go back to school at all. As far as the library is concerned? Remember when I said my husband is currently struggling to practice for his license? (He doesn't get much practice because my dad is a stressful asshole that makes my husband have a horrible headache and anxiety after he drives). We have 2 vehicles, one my mom uses to get to work, and the other my dad uses to take my husband to work as well as do errands in like grocery shopping and shit like that.

I can't get a ride.

Can't ride a bicycle, either. It's definitely not safe (I live in America, if you couldn't tell). My parents' farm is deep within one of the back roads with one of the properties on this road being an oil rig. The oil workers drive like assholes, not caring what animal they hit, speeding through here. There are dirtbikes and four-wheelers that speed through here, too. There's no room for 2 vehicles to pass one another, and nothing but pure fucking hill the moment you step off the side of the road. I literally cannot bike here.

But let's pretend I got onto one of the main roads on either end of our road. It's even worse! And STILL no room for bicyclists! This goes for fucking miles until you reach a residential area! Except for a nearby little village-town that has the closest library branch. It's the village my husband grew up in, but there's a lot of sketchy turns, corners, and again, no room for bicycles. This includes main roads.

With all this in mind, I actually considered the possibility of moving to that village, because the village itself is actually safe enough to bike ride in. The problem is: I'm not guaranteed to get a job at the library at all. I tried getting a job as a library clerk at the Carnegie Library in Pittsburgh, got interviewed and everything, and didn't get the job for whatever reason. In fact, I'm not guaranteed a job at all at any library branch, regardless of the neighborhood. So moving to such an area depending on the chance of being hired there is not worth it.

Such a village is actually rather unfriendly, and that goes for a lot of communities here on this side of Ohio. You'd think this was one of the southern states from its people and what flags they fly.

So why not Pittsburgh? Why not move there if we could?

Well, I thought about it. It has all the perks I could expect such as public transportation, somewhat safer bicycling areas to commute to school and work, and more importantly: THINGS TO DO.

Living in the middle of nowhere blows when you want to, on your own without relying on someone to drive you, go and do something, such as buying fabric or art supplies for future projects, or going to the library, or anything, really! Yeah, I do want to garden, but I don't have the means to do that on a damn farm (long, frustrating story that made me stop believing my parents' promises).

Not to mention, I still have friends in Pittsburgh, If I wanna see them, they don't have to drive an hour and 45 minutes (and that's if they have a car) to visit. I got 2 friends here in the area, and they're busy with their work's demanding schedules. When we do hang out, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, and D&D can only do so much until it gets old and boring and you wanna do something else that isn't hanging out at a dead mall. There is truly nothing to do here. Pittsburgh has the museums, libraries, parks, and far more interesting establishments to lurk in.

So again: why not Pittsburgh?

Because that city has changed and is still changing compared to when I was last there. My regular watering hole (The Beehive) is no more. There are neighborhoods being gentrified (meaning I'm not guaranteed to keep my home even if I pay it off). Businesses are closing, meaning people will be losing their jobs, and some of the other places hiring (like libraries) are not guaranteed to hire me, especially when I haven't had a job since 2010.

There's also my cat to consider; she gets stressed at the sound of a lawn-mower (I don't blame her). She wouldn't be able to handle the sounds of the city. Unless we found a place not too close to downtown, such a move is a no-go.

I've daydreamed about living in Pittsburgh again. I'm homesick for Pittsburgh. I've realized only recently that that city was my home. Not this farm, not even the house I grew up in. I felt like a person who didn't have to rely on people for rides and such. It's the only place where I've truly lived on my own and enjoyed it.

I've actually considered moving out of this country and found that even more impossible. No matter which country you pick, no matter what language you learn, not only do you have to pay for your things to be shipped, for your plane ticket for a one-way trip, or whatever you need to become a citizen there, you still have to pay at least $2,000 to revoke your American citizenship or else you will be forced to pay American taxes despite never setting foot on American soil ever again.

Thanks to capitalism, America has made it fucking impossible for the average person to leave for good. If you are born here, you are financially enslaved here unless you're wealthy enough to leave.

So... What's the plan?

Well, for now: not much. The pandemic has set plans back a bit, but my parents have a lien on the house thanks to my private student loans my mom was bullied and forced into co-signing for. She... I guess?... is almost done paying them off? I don't know. My parents don't like communicating need-to-know info with me and then get mad when I don't absorb it through osmosis. Once the lien is taken off the house, mom wants to move north to be near her sister, and she said she'll try finding a farm for sale near Kent State so it'll be an easier commute (be it by bicycle or by car). My intention is to enroll there to be able to get a job as an ecologist (focus in entomology, specializing in arachnology) with a minor in paleontology.

Once I've gotten that all taken care of (as well as my husband going back to school for what he wants), we move to the pacific northwest, mainly just north of Seattle somewhere.

I hate Ohio. I hate running into people I've gone to school with that I try to avoid (more like I see them, but they don't recognize me? At least I hope not?). I hate this place so much. I hate this climate, being near people I don't want just randomly showing the fuck up. And what's the use of living near family when they don't want to bother visiting you? I hate hearing my mom tell me so-and-so that I obviously want nothing to do with told her to tell me they said hi. I'm tired of fearing I'll run into someone that abused me in the past because now they're back in the fucking area again apparently.

I've got my fingers crossed that something is gonna give and college to some level (community college?) will be free for residents or something. It'll give me a chance to go back to school for something close to what I wanna do so I can maybe get a job? Completing something at a community college would at least make it easier for me to get enrolled at a university.

My husband and I picked Seattle (or close to Seattle) for its climate. It's (usually) not blistering hot every goddamn year, and it's not horribly cold thanks to the mountain range (I'm quite cold-intolerant). We both enjoy overcast weather and rain. We'd rather take our chances with volcanoes than earthquakes or hurricanes in areas where these things are guaranteed to happen yet nobody ruling these areas wants to invest in infrastructure that helps stand a chance against them. Seattle also has a nice combination of city and wilderness side-by-side. Not much of that with Pittsburgh.

If I was forced to only move to Pittsburgh and no other city, I wouldn't mind, especially since I'm more familiar with Pittsburgh than I am with anything in my current local area (because I had to travel on foot instead of relying on a car to get to places!). Fuck, my mom wouldn't even let me do anything by myself out of the yard when we lived in the village I grew up in because she was a paranoid fuck and by the time I JUST STARTED gaining independence for having a bike and bicycling to the post office everyday, we moved to this farm.

Oh, this isn't a roof over my head I should be thankful for. My parents got screwed. Our water is full of iron and calcium that no filter can fix, so we constantly have plumbing problems, the post and internet connections are questionable at best, we get ant infestations from 2 species EVERY YEAR, all for a farm my mom wanted for horses she always wanted and eventually got but has little next to no energy to spend the time she wants with them and she refuses to admit her age has a lot to do with it on top of her working so she sits in the living room on THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES sucking up bandwidth to religiously watch every fucking livestream of a country singer she likes (and complains if she's missing it for any reason!), scroll through Facebook, and play a fucking shitty app game!

Our internet out here? The physical equipment is outdated (copper wires instead of fiber-optic cables) because the fucking company doesn't wanna spend the money to upgrade it.

So instead, we're stuck here, with my husband losing his sanity bit by bit by the day at his shitty retail job (every other available job offering would be worse in this area) and I sit here and hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could start gardening soon.

I miss Pittsburgh. I really do. But despite all of its benefits it would give me and my husband if we moved back, I don't think it will happen.

In the off-chance that we don't move north, that my dad's assholery intensifies and he decides to remain here (he has to legally agree to sell this house in order for my mom to move north; dad's reasons keep fucking changing), Pittsburgh is a nice back-up plan. Pitt University actually has the major I'd want to go back to school for, as well as what my husband wants to go back to school for, and we'd already be familiar with the city and what to expect of it. However, we're aiming higher, and hoping to move to the pacific northwest, instead.

But I think to avoid losing my sanity, I should stop daydreaming about a future that may never be.

Fingers crossed!

#rant #ramble #vent #I wanna move so bad but can't