#idk i feel like if it were my me i would just apologize and get it over with

[sprout-fics]

Idk if you’re taking request rn or not but..I just had surgery on my stomach today and feel like absolute doo-doo. Can’t lift anything over 10lbs or really move at all comfortably. If you have the time and want to, I’d love some cod fluff 🫶🏻 no pressure of course, nonetheless, I shall survive without my delulu dreams :p <3

Hello anon! Apologies for the wait! Here's some post-surgery care fluff with the boys

Discharge

(Knife wounds tw, 141 & Reader, GN reader, Fluff)

You don't remember much after you see the knife sticking out of your stomach

It was supposed to be a simple night sweep- an intel retrieval under the cover of darkness in a remote seemingly abandoned village

In and out, simple and easy. Silenced weapons, clean shots, and certainly no close combat

That is, until someone comes at you from the darkness with a knife

You hear Gaz's shout a moment too late, turning and ready to fire, before you feel a dull sort of pain bury itself below your ribs in a shallow wound

You get your shot off, but not before the blade embeds itself next to your stomach

You remember turning to Gaz, unable to see his horror stricken face from behind his NVGs, stumbling towards him...

and then darkness

When you wake up, you're back on base

The pain registers second to the sound of voices, and when you blink open your eyes you find all four members of the team gathered around the foot of your bed

"Having a briefing without me?" You quip, and smile when you see the relief on their faces

Gaz is the first to apologize for not watching your six, but you wave him off despite his downcast brown eyes. These things tend to happen. It could have been him, and you tell him you're glad it wasn't

The tension is dispelled when Soap tells you all the things you tried to say as you were med-evaced and in and out of consciousness, claiming you went as far as to confess your love for him

He gets a sharp look from Price for that, which is eased by the relief on his face. He tells you the blade missed any major arteries, that you'll be in the hospital for a few more days pending release

Of course, when you ask if the mission was a success he raises his eyebrows at you as if there's any other answer than 'yes'

Ghost is quiet as he lingers towards the back, but when the opportunity arises he doesn't miss the chance to make a wry joke at your expense

"Thought you had the stomach for this kind of work." He drawls, and when Soap snorts you roll your eyes. It's the needling kind of humor that he uses to mask the fact that he cares, and rather than offend you it brings for a familiar affection towards your LT

As Price says, it's a few days of boredom before you're allowed to be discharged, and in the time that follows you find yourself scarcely without company from the team

Price is the first to show, excusing his visit with the need for you to sign official paperwork and after-action reports. He gives you the debrief for the mission- but lingers after to smoke a cigar. When you ask if he has other places to be, he tells you he's ignoring the brass for a bit. Why would they complain about him visiting one of his best soldiers in medical?

He leaves a small bottle of whiskey after, with strict instructions to not indulge until you've been cleared by the doctors

Gaz is next, and you watch him in the doorway as he hesitates with a small bouquet behind his back. It's pretty, and he confesses he wondered on the way over if it was too much of a gesture. You can tell he feels bad about the whole affair, but a firm squeeze to his hand makes his shoulders relax

He spends the rest of his time with you sharing memes, and you laugh so hard your monitor beeps

Ghost shows up intermittently, and his first question is always about your pain level. You think he's looking for an excuse to go intimidate some of the nurses into making you more comfortable, but you assure him you're well taken care of

You can't sleep one night, and somehow you find him seated in the chair beside you, comfortable in the silence as he polishes his knives

Soap is the one to sneak snacks in past the nurses, and when you tell him you're under strict orders he only waves a crisp in front of you before you fold. It's always easy chatting with him, and he shares all the happenings around base- the drill sergeant who was busted for hiding a barracks bunny in his quarters, an intelligence officer who was organizing a contraband ring, the idiot rookie who got a black eye during target practice...

He always pouts when he has to leave, texts from Price telling him he needs to get back to duty dragging him away. He promises to come back later, and he always does

A selfish part of you isn't looking forward to leaving the hospital only because you enjoy the visits so much. You knew your team cared for you, but seeing them like this- taking time out of their day to keep you company, to ensure you are comfortable, and to simply spend time with you, is all the reminder you need to know you're exactly where you belong ❤️

#141 x reader #141 x you #cod x reader #call of duty x reader #cod imagine #requests

[moonyasnow]

Just some Octatrio thoughts, about another post

Ok I don't usually do this but this one take about the Octatrio I scrolled past on my dash the other day has invaded my brain like a parasite and latched on and absolutely refuses to let go, so I just need to get it out of my system or it's gonna drive me crazy

I don't remember the OP's name, but if I remember correctly the post was basically about how, apparently(apologies in advance if I got something wrong or misrepresented the OP's words):

People who have soft, fluffy headcanons for Azul, Jade and Floyd are kids who had the jokes the characters were based on, such as:

Jade likes mountains apparently not because he just thinks nature is fascinating but it's supposed to be a joke for mountains being good places to dump bodies

The Leeches are implied to be a literal fish mafia

The Octatrio are dressed like American prohibition-era mobsters

Jade and Floyd want to eat Azul

fly over their heads.

And I just—

The only word I can think of to explain what I feel every time I remember it is 'baffled'. I mean absolutely 0 disrespect in any way, shape or form to the OP, but I am genuinely fascinated by how they could have come to those conclusions.

My first thought was 'no actually I'm pretty sure people get it' And there are people over the age of 18 who have fluffy headcanons about them too, you know?

My second is 'why can't it be both?' Like, why can't Jade genuinely find mountains and nature fascinating while having it on a more meta level also be a small joke about how mountains are good places for dumping bodies?

Why can't Floyd like Takoyaki while also NOT wanting to eat his best friend?

Why can't the Leeches be a mafia family while still having Jade and Floyd, who are literally still teenagers, be multidimensional characters who have priorities and like other things than just 'haha murder'?

Sure, those jokes and influences are there, but they are not the end-all-be-all of the characters? This just feels like a very one-dimensional way of looking at these characters.

And isn't TWST's entire thing that appearances can be deceiving? In a way I feel like Jade's love of mountains being viewed as 'oh he dumps bodies there because he's a scary ocean monster and has thus probably killed people before so of course that's why' is a very surface-level reading and understanding of him as a character— it just sounds like something some random student who has only seen him from afar and doesn't actually know him as a person would think.

And it's a similar thing with the Takoyaki. The surface-level reading would be 'if he likes eating Takoyaki, which has octopus in it, that must mean he wants to eat Azul too! Because Floyd is big and scary and has probably killed people before' To me it also sounds like something Ace or Grim might think before Book 3.

And, while I'm not gonna deny the Tweels have almost certainly murdered (or at least gotten close to it) people before, in a way it just feels kinda...idk, mean-spirited? To say, for example, that Jade can't just have nature be a thing he enjoys for its own merits, that he's not allowed to have that as just a thing he genuinely likes and there has to be some deeper, meta reason for why. Or that Floyd can't just enjoy Takoyaki and probably tease Azul with it but also not actually want to eat him because he likes him and wants him around. To me that kinda feels like sucking all the joy and interesting nuance out of a character, in a way.

And implying that the people who don't ascribe to the same view as you are kids also feels somewhat infantilizing? Like, it just comes off as saying that the people who disagree haven't thought about it hard enough or just aren't smart enough to get it, and I just feel like that's not a great stance to take in any kind of discussion. Quite a flimsy way of trying to discredit the opinions of those who disagree, too.

I am NOT trying to start any kind of 'drama' or 'attack OP' or anything like that; I'm genuinely very confused— I just feel like one of us, either OP or me, is misunderstanding something here

#twst #twisted wonderland #moony thoughts #azul ashengrotto #jade leech #floyd leech #octavinelle #octatrio

[cerealbishh]

"You okay?"

"Mhm."

"Good, now go get ready and wish for the best."

#outer range s2 #outer range s2 spoilers #outer range 02x03 #maria olivares #rhett abbott #isabel arraiza #lewis pullman #pls not him taking her hand and both of them smiling about it #they had too many cute moments in that first scene #i think her saying that rebecca being with amy is one less mystery to worry about was her being concerned about what's bothering him #like she's not going to pry this time if he doesn't want to confide in her about it #but she wants to give him the opportunity to talk to her about it if he wants to thus the ''are you okay?'' #and i'm glad he feels comfortable enough to talk to her about some family matters #also them asking each other if the other is okay is everything to me #idk if it's just me but rhett looks pretty cautious but also protective of her in the second gif? #i love that she decided to speak up because it bothers her that rhett might be hurting #and to me it looked like he was also proud of her for speaking up #rip her putting her hand on his arm before she said ''have a good night'' made me sad #i would be hurt if my loved one felt like they would be shut down if they were to speak in front of my family #i get that they don't like her but why invite her at all? #he really felt better after holding her hand #also his little smile after she says going to court wouldn't be a great idea was kinda cute #i'm only slowing down because i'm stuck watching their happier scenes because i'm SCARED #i just know he wanted to stay in that bed with her... i mean i would #geez he really gets to wake up to that... lucky man #i love her tiniest smile after his after she said meeting his parents again at court would be a bad idea #just the softest ''morning'' ever #idk but when she started with ''i'm sorry'' i felt like he was gonna tell her not to apologize or something #i wanted to see him run after her and ask if she was okay tbh #his chair really was pointed toward hers... he's such a LOSER

[yappingmoxie]

made a birthday post for my grandma yesterday since no one else remembered it and immediately afterwards my sister made one and really drilled in hard about how she named my newest niece after her. and idk. I’m still upset. I’ve been crying off and on about it because like. I know it wasn’t right but my grandma would tell anyone who listened how I was her favorite grandchild (and tbh I think besides it just being true she did that bc she knew how awful my mom and sister were to me) and would brag on me constantly. and my sister did nothing but talk about how annoying my grandma was and say the worst things about her right before she died. but yet she loved her so much that she forgot her birthday 2 years in a row so I mean clearly she just had to take the name I fought with her over during her first pregnancy. I’m so glad I’ve had my cousin throughout all of this because otherwise I’d feel legitimately insane. She’s been amazing at reminding me how much grandma loved me and helping reinforce that grandma and I DID have an agreement that she wanted ME to name my daughter after her if I ever had one. Everything my sister does though feels so spiteful. Like I love my niece so much and it just sucks that I can’t even spend time with her without being reminded of how much my sister wants to hurt me. I don’t blame the baby though. Like it hurts and makes interacting with her a little difficult but she’s innocent. And the thing is I wouldn’t have even minded if she named her that out of genuine love and respect for my grandma but I know she didn’t. From not letting anyone be with my grandma in the hospital when she died to putting her ashes in my fucking mailbox to telling me that my grandma hated me and I didn’t do enough for her to telling me how awful I was for taking a week off to implying I should’ve been there even tho she lied to me about her being in the hospital to withholding photos she promised me of her to ruining my grandmas house (she lets my 5 year old niece write all over the walls and keeps a million fuckin farm animals like ducks and chickens and turkeys inside when grandma didn’t even let dogs in) to asking the preacher at her funeral to say some pointed remarks about me being no contact with my mom to now using her daughters name as a direct slight against me I can’t help but feel like all she wants to do is weaponize my dead grandma against me without even worrying about how disrespectful she’s being to her as long as it hurts me. I haven’t even tried talking to about my nieces name because after confronting her about my grandmas passing I know it’ll do nothing to actually remedy anything and will just lead to even more explosive fights where I know she’ll just double down on saying things she know will hurt me. And I don’t want to argue about my grandma. I don’t want to use her memory for something disrespectful. It doesn’t feel right and doesn’t feel like honoring her in any way that she’d appreciate. I just want her to be respected. I want her name to be used for something kind and loving instead of spiteful. Because ultimately that’s what she was. My kind and loving grandma. Not a tool to cause arguments and tension. She was always the mediator in the family and I can’t help but think how disappointed she’d be to know her passing has been used in the way it has to further drive a shift in the family.

#idk it’s all just a lot and I wish more than anything I had my grandma back right now #I know she was a lil grouchy towards the end and probably did say some things that were a little rude about me but she was literally dying #and I can’t be upset with her for that. especially because she always apologized and made sure to tell me she loved me and that she didn’t #mean none of it. that things were just getting to her and she shouldn’t act like that #and I understand that and know it to be true but when my sister uses the things my grandma said out is frustration #or things I know she never would have said about me at all to hurt me. it works #like I can’t count how many times my grandma told me word for word that I was ‘the only one who wasn’t mean to her and was patient’ #or that my sister ‘didn’t know how to wash her right’ so it was always a ‘treat’ when I did (which I did often after hearing that) #or that I was the only who’d make/get her food that she liked to eat and spoiled her #idk I could keep on but it feels like I’m trying too hard to justify what my sister said wasn’t true #idk maybe i just want a reminder. somewhere to look at in case I ever doubt myself again

[fideidefenswhore]

What are your thoughts on Jane Boleyn, and the role she supposedly played in the fall of 3 Queens (Anne Boleyn, Anna of Cleves, Katheryn Howard)? Do you think she has been too maligned by historians for centuries, especially when it comes to the relationship with the Boleyns (it seems she got along with Anne)?

Now that I've read both works and compared them side by side, I suppose I would say my stance on Jane Boleyn falls somewhere in between that of Julia Fox and James Taffe ('Somewhere in between' is not, btw, Alison Weir); although closer to the former than the latter. Offering critique of both biographies, I would say that of JF is too apologetic (smoothing out wrinkles that exist in her arguments rather than acknowledging them) and JT is too severe.

Especially when it comes to the relationship with the Boleyns? Yes and no. Obviously she was married to George, she sent him a message of comfort while he was in the Tower, and wore only black the rest of her life, which was quite the potent statement. However, I would allow for the possibility that she potentially, inadvertently implicated him or AB (ie, testimony of hers was twisted to suit the crown's case). This is where I think there are flaws in the arguments of some of her defenders-- they cannot allow for even that possibility and so make claims that disallow it; some of which are untrue. 'Jane was only blamed as a means of absolving Henry in the whitewash of Elizabethan propagandists' is not true. Johannes Sleidan in 1545 claimed that Anne and George died by her 'false accusation'. Sleidan was a Reformer, so he would have been more sympathetic towards the plights of these two than the average person, and would have spoken to others that were as well, but the motivation to vindicate Elizabeth did not yet exist; she was at this point the very unlikely third in line to the throne.

I do appreciate that you said 'got along' with Anne, not 'besties', because...it's possible they were very close, certainly, but we must also allow for the possibility of animosity. The linchpin for the argument of closeness is the report from Chapuys that they 'conspired together' to banish Henry's mistress from court. Was this the precise truth? Considering the source I'm doubtful. Probably there was a lady Henry was serving at this time (although that we never have a name makes the story somewhat suppositious), but did they need to have 'conspired together' against her for Jane to be banished from court (which is what happened instead)? Jane might have merely made Anne aware of her, and Henry finding out that she'd been the source would have been enough for banishment. Or, as was presented plausibly in Adrienne Dillard's fictional rendition, Jane might have dropped hints to Cromwell that this mistress was a supporter of the two exiled and contumacious royal women that were Anne's adversaries, Cromwell might have passed this along to Henry, and Henry might have banished Jane for shattering the illusion that this woman had no independent ambitions or ulterior motives and merely let him hit for the sheer pleasure of his company.

If this was evidence of closeness, and it might be, then we also have to remember that the end result was Jane's banishment from court, and that there is, as JT fairly pointed out, no evidence that any of the Boleyns spoke in her defense, favor, or for her return. It would take an extremely magnanimous person to accept all that with equanimity and not feel any resentment whatsoever. So, if there was intimacy, there might have also been rift.

That leaves the question: enough 'rift' for her to seek vengeance? I doubt that much for all the reasons Fox outlines in her biography, but at the same time I wish there was not this relentless push to only defend women that we assert 'deserve' defense, on the premise they were entirely selfless, accepted every insult with grace, never kept any grudges, never had personal ambitions (the actions she took during the queenships of those you mentioned would suggest otherwise), mixed emotions, or conflicting loyalties; that we could acknowledge that acknowledging the agency of historic women also means acknowledging they were capable of making mistakes.

#anon #it feels like an 'overcorrection' to some degree. if that makes sense? #altho that's generally what ppl say about AB too and i generally think they're wrong lol #'waaah AB apologism waaaaahhh joanna denny wahhhhhhhhhhhh h/ayley nolan' #bitch. no one serious is taking those seriously. if joanna denny was the definitive AB bio that would be one thing #the definitive is eric ives who oh no said in his personal opinion that his favorite was more attractive in personality and appearance #than the other...oh my god that is the worst thing anyone has every said in the HISTORY OF TIME #are y'all this sensitive in real life bcus fr. #how do you bitches SURVIVE.................. #anyway what i was initially going to say after coming back to this: #*ever #like the way this figure is used to have it both ways really bothers...me? #i think there's some ambiguity here but like #i read someone claim that JS must have been 'so sweet' bcus otherwise JB would not have been her lady in waiting.... #which is like. be fr? if JB loved george and anne she would have hated her lol #or at the very least have been uneasy in her presence (there's a great scene with this in adrienne's sequel btw) #but like...idk man. ppl just don't seem to get how humans worked? or have any sort of emotional; media; literal; literacy? #this was my thing with BSR too 'how dare THEY say henry NEVER loved coa how dare THEY say jane was to blame for anne's miscarriage' #like right...were 'they' saying that or was anne? or was that what anne believed? was the show perhaps from her (gasp) POV and so #these things were portrayed? i mean ffs.... by our literal primary sources those were the things she said. #someone's emotions and beliefs /= infallible unassailable entire truths #nor are they necessarily 'fair' and the same with our judgements. welcome to being a human being #so yeah like re: JB.... #*that she felt like that? was it entirely fair to blame and resent the seymours? #is that necessarily fair? no. how much she did or didn't was probably dependent on how accurate chapuys report was about JS #the extent to which she had disparaged anne #as for the why as JF theorized ; the need of income and the possibility that since cromwell had helped her with income #this was the favor he wanted in return (so her as a spy in the household) #and re: conflicting loyalties ; i mean ...goddamn; people are complex #i think it's entirely possible that JB loved anne but also had this innate sympathy for coa and mary too.

[icicledream-archive]

man someone really ended a friendship with me bc i made. a dumb joke. about a ship i don't like. huh.

#hoo hoo! #vent cw #sorry for suddenly venting on main i just thought abt this situation again and i just got. sad? mad? yeah. those. #anyway it would be totally different if this was like #a stranger/mutual softblocking me for not liking a ship they like #cuz like! i get that!! curate ur online space!! #but no we were Friends. we hit off really well too or so i thought? #came to me in dms yelling at me for this joke and i had to tell them the ship was triggering to me for them to stop. #but no a whole friendship ended over a dumb joke about a ship #typical fandom member moment i guess lmao #idk i just feel like that's such a dumb/mean way to end a friendship that was otherwise going really well. #idk it just really hurt me that i had to tell them the ship was triggering to me for them to stop getting on my ass about a joke #and then just ghost me with barely anything for an apology

[thotsfortherapy]

i used to be really nervous about going back to my hometown because ‘what if i run into someone i don’t like‘ but like. the few times that has happened the people who have done be dirty have just 100% ignored me/run away from me. even despite me trying to be like heyyy. lol. which i guess means im a lot more confrontational than other ppl....

#lowkey bothers me though cause im like bruh you were so rude to me in highschool and youre gonna act like im the bad guy........ #can you just own up to it and we can get it over with?? now it's awkward!!! #like im so down to have a positive interaction and not have to have this bitter taste in my mouth anymore.. #also the way that multiple of these ppl work at a starbucks that i frequent #and had to take my order #LIKE I GAVE YOU MY NAME YOU OBVIOUSLY RECOGNIZE ME #idk i feel like if it were my me i would just apologize and get it over with #cy says stuff #personal #truth is i am a lot better with confrontation than other ppl but that's cause i was forced to learn those skills at a younger age.. #it is kind of cringe that ppl don't wanna face their past or own up to their past mistakes ngl #anyways... my friend invited me to go to starbucks tomorrow and i am probably gonna run into the same girl who would spread rumors about me #and constantly update me on my ex despite me asking her not to #and also called me stupid for not doing well on a quiz i literally wasn't there for........ #thing is no one liked her i was just nice to her cause i am a nice person.. and then she was so mean to me... like wtf... #and when i told her i didnt want to sit next to her anymore cause she was mean to me she started bawling #like damn girl okay i still dont want to be your friend though cause you kind of suck #and i guess she still holds that against me to this day lol. or at least the last time i saw her which was like. december #anyways im hella jetlagged and i woke up at midnight again. intrusive thoughts go brr #it'll be fine i am strong

[crunchchute]

me itching to post some cosplay pics i just found because i look good there but also fighting for my life to Not post them cause i dont want my face online

#plus it feels like cheating cuz i do not look that good irl. idk the spirit of a prettyboy twink posessed me during taking those photos #i would post them on instagram but they would drag me for my cool emo hair and cool emo clothes and #im talking about the time i cosplayed glitchtrap but it was hot so i went a dawktrap route with just head and gloves #and paired it up with the classic ourple guy outfit with the purple shirt and black vest and badge so it was very silly #nobody knew who i was at the con btw. except like 2 kids literally awful #you dont know purple guy???? #also found some that were from a project that i fucked up on. i still feel bad about it but oh well. was meant to collab with someone for #an edit and i had to take some videos for them to cut and edit but i suck at taking videos and am terrible on camera in general so i hated #every single take and they also didnt like it iirc. told me to take more and i had enough. and then i got locked out of my account so i was #like fuck it. and i didnt get back to them later so i am the AH #i got some screenshots from it that are cool but i cant post them as that would be mean and lame and whatever #oh well i dont even remember their acc anymore but i should have apologized and explained that i wont do more takes as they wont be better #do not ask me for a cosplay video ever #made me think of how many times people recorded me at cons only for the footage not be used in the aftermovies lol

[pacificgasandelectric]

hanging out in this server i'm in is wild to me bc it's a generally very. wholesome place. and there Are dedicated channels for nsfw and there's a Single "dark nsfw" channel that pretty much only hosts stuff like "what if it was TECHNICALLY dubcon but nobody involved was actually forced into doing anything they felt genuinely uncomfortable with" and i'm over here like. what if a character restrained and lobotomized their captive, who was horrified the whole time. what if i invent an abortifacient herb so one character can induce a miscarriage on another in secret, and then accuse them of "not caring about their baby enough" to not lose it. what if there was adoptive incest On Top Of the blood-relative incest. what if i invented ways to violate autonomy using magic or technology that you literally can't do in real life. would that be cool or what

#mine #idk i mean i don't want to judge ppl for not having my taste in fiction #but god damn. the stuff that gets classed as 'dark' in here when it's literally like #the most milquetoast version of 'you could technically consider it dubcon in that it's impossible to consent within that power dynamic' #i guess the thing i'm judging is ppl being like 'ah here's my Dark Stuff' when there's a general sense that Actually Dark Stuff #would get me extremely judgy treatment bc it verges too close to 'apologism' #personally i have no plans to get over when one of the fucking mods said they were uncomfortable with another person in the fandom's #'[incest ship] apologism' bc as we all know. incest ships that are Made Up are things you can be an apologist about In Real Life #which i can only presume is like. talking about them without going 'i'm sooooo sorry i enjoy this i know it's Bad and would be Bad irl' #anyways i'll stop talking to myself now i guess #just feels kinda meh that this space that's very much like. 'we want people to not worry about prejudice in fandom' #is still very susceptible to like. overt judginess abt stuff that Isn't gender and sexuality

[tiredsadpeach]

Losing my fp is gonna fucking hurt but I just idk I can’t find a way this is gonna end well so I’m coming to terms with it

#it’s was a fine 4 years #the last year was already hard as fuck lmao #funny we got into a fight exactly a year ago too over him saying if you’re too sensitive don’t be on social media #I still have his Christmas present because we haven’t gotten to see eachother since #October I think is when we last met in person #just a week ago he was offering to hang out because of all the shit my mom said to me #I also have the other friend that’s involved in all of this’s Christmas gift #I was gonna mail it to him #oh well I guess #I just idk I’m so hurt #but this feels like what I’d been worried would happen ever since their obsession with each other got worse and worse #like I get it bpd does that you get obsessed believe me I know but y’all have been feeding into it with these ‘jokes’ lately and well #all the times y’all have said to each other you don’t need friend you only need me as a haha joke is gonna become true if y’all don’t get #some help and soon and like I think one of their psychiatrists said that their relationship was unhealthy and also one sided once #which unhealthy YES one sided?? nah not at all #but they both were like baffled and just didn’t believe the unhealthy part #I commented on it only saying how was it one sided because I knew if I agreed with the unhealthy part they’d both hate me lol #because believe it or not mutual obsession is not healthy lmao idc how romanticized it’s been getting it will never be healthy #I have a bf now and I strive to never be like that to him because i don’t want us to become mutually obsessed like that I don’t want us to #isolate ourselves for eachother whether knowingly or unknowingly just today he apologized because he’s been busy and I always let him know #it’s perfectly okay if he just never has time to message me one day because I know that’s healthy even if my brain is screaming #like yeah I still have intrusive thoughts I get jealous of his friends like way too jealous and I want him all to myself but I stop myself #from acting on any of those thoughts because I know it leads to a controlling abusive realtionship and I don’t want to be that he doesn’t #deserve that so it is so fucking confusing when they ‘joke’ and tell the other to delete a photo or tweet and then the other actually does #idk how they can’t see that that’s fucked #okay sorry lol but hey if y’all read the tags on the I’m so lost post and know what I did wrong please tell me because no one else will!

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

#purrs #i know i am 23 years old and i have a lot of life left ahead of me. but i think it’s just hard because im almost always the least #experienced / most sheltered person in the room. and some of that isn’t my fault bc it’s a product of 💖generational trauma💖 but some of it i #is ithink. im skittish like a horse. i had to cut off my life here when i went abroad and then covid hit and i think i got so used to things #being fucked up and to seeing fewer people that isolation became normal for me and now trying to push myself past that is terrifying and i #get so easily overwhelmed by socializing and i hate it but also that’s everyone rn i guess bc we are living in hell. but im skittish like a #horse. i have damaged friendships with people i really cared about because they told me they liked me and i couldn’t handle that and im #haunted every single day by the thought of how i mishandled things at 17-18 and probably caused certain individuals a lot of pain that they #may still be feeling and i want to apologize but that might only make it worse so i never can. and ofc like im jealous and insecure bc ive n #never even been like.. idk. the closest i ever got to being in a relationship was w one of those ppl and i ran away at the point that we rec #reciprocated and i just feel stupid and defective and i hate that if i had to do it all over again i would probably do the same thing. #ive grown a lot emotionally in the last 5 years but im still so like… weak in some ways and there’s common sense / natural compassion things #that i can sense Wojld make sense to do but i just can’t. i am not a good friend or family member right now and so how on earth could i ever #be a good partner to someone. but also uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm life is very very hard to do alone and i would like to not do it alone. and i know #there’s hope but i also like. can’t handle it. idk. it’s a mess and im just depressed about it so hopefully talking about it candidly will b #be enough to like.. eliminate the possibility of it coming up again bc it’s hard enough when im not thinking about it it’s even harder when #there are signs and reminders everywhere that i am young and inexperienced and feeling cringefail misery and doom and jealousy about it #delete later #its also fucking insane bc you grow up and realize what you’ve been missing out on bc you were a kid and it’s like how do i even get there a #and then the older adults you live with and interact with regularly rub it in your face both intentionally and unintentionally and sometimes #without malice but it’s still like… can there please not be about 15 examples of the exact thing i want that are unavoidable and inescapable #at al times by virtue of my life situation rn. in the back of my mind there is always a thread agitated by that and it sucks

[snekdood]

Ppl gotta understand that just bc you do x thing because you're mentally ill, doesnt mean your actions dont have the same effect if you weren't. Like if you've been manipulative to your friends, you cant get mad at them for not sympathizing entirely with you when you go on about how they dont accept you for your mentally ilness. Regardless of your reason, you were still manipualtive, you fucked with peoples trust. Theyre still gonna have trust issues about you even if its bc of whatever mental illness you have.

#im not saying its cool for them to abandon you but cmon. you have to consider sometimes other people and what they can handle #bc if you keep manipulating your friends or whatever theyre gonna get used to being manipulated and expect it from other people #whatever the case. people have limits. your friends have limits. im not saying theyre always justified. im not saying your friends are #never abliest. but they do have limits. and if you're yelling at them all the time about being perfect or whatever you cant exactly #be surprised when they dip out. #like for example. im a p aggressive and angry guy. clearly. if youve seen any of my posts. #ive always got something to rant about. and while im not quite as much like this irl its still a thing about me. im very very vocal about #whatever injustice i percieve happening to me or others lol. but i can understand why me being intense and angry and ready to throw hands #at the drop of a hat would make some people want to avoid me. i understand it makes some ppl feel scared and unsafe. #its not something i try to do. i dont try to make ppl i like feel unsafe. i try not to be that way around ppl w those kinds of issues #but im not gonna throw a fit and be like 'you guys are okay with bpd until i get really really angry and call you a cunt' #like... uh... yeah. i dont blame ppl like that for dropping me entirely if im getting angry all the time around them and it triggers them #and i dont seem to stop or be able to stop. #sure its not great. sure i dont want to be as aggressive and angry around anyone let alone ppl afraid of that sorta thing. but this is #the current state of my being. its something im working on. and i can understand why some ppl cant handle me right now as i am. #idk. just. shit like that man #another example. im hella hella HELLA bad at communicating via technology. unless you're in front of my face my mind just forgets we were #even talking sometimes. this naturally will cause issues. how am i gonna get upset at someone for being mad i stoped responding #in the middle of a conversation? sure i didnt mean it. this is purely unintentional. however that doesnt change the fact of my actions. #it doesnt change the fact that that person might feel unwanted. i can apologize day and night but until i actually try to be more attentive #of my phone this is just gonna keep happening yknow. how is it fair to get mad at other ppl for getting mad at you over that?

[aquarianlights]

✨️ I just kind of want to die rn. ✨️

#im srs tho #i feel fucking terrible #im still coming down from anesthesia and im so fatigued and tired #if it were not for echo i would take an overdose rn and be done with it #except for the fact i am horribly scared of respiratory depression #suffocating is one of my worst fears so... #i just really want to get a gun #ik my girlfriend has lots of guns #im not legally allowed to have a gun and idk how to find them on the black market #but since my gf has them... ive been thinking about it... thinking about waiting until we live together and waiting until echo passes #and then I'd have no issues just... taking one... it's not like I'd be keeping it or using more than one bullet #im sure she would forgive me and id write a note anyways #notes* rather... addressing multiple people personally with her being one of them. id apologize for using her gun but where else would i #get one? she is the only person ik who has guns coz her family is a hunting family. #oh well....that's been on my mind ever since i found out she has guns and also really wants us to live together. i always thought if one #were in the house with me that it would be so easy to use when i feel like this and just get it over with #instead i hesitate because i dont have the right methods... and i end up feeling okay or better later. only to come back to suicidal later #so a gun would be best i think... that way i can take care of it in the moment and get it over with. i just need a gun to do it. #unfortunately my girlfriend is the only one ik who has them so... it's gonna have to be hers #that's a long way off though. echo is only 9 years old and his breed lives into the 16-18 years old phase. i wont leave until echo is gone #depression #sad #sadness #suicidal #suicide #crying #pain #upset #personal #depressed

[mntcoronet]

me thinking about how I've always felt like one of the "odd"/more weird n solitary kids at school, most of my longest-lasting friends who I find easiest to get along with are neurodivergent in some way, and a lot of the characters I end up really vibing with in a "self recognition through the blorbo" way are also commonly interpreted as being neurodivergent for a lot of the same reasons that I relate to them about: "hmm this definitely doesn't mean anything. not at all. I am just bad at life and i just need to try harder"

#maggles ramblings #and yes i know none of this inherently means anything but i have been wondering about this kind of thing for... several years now #and i must say!! some of the coincidences seem a bit too consistent!! #luckily i am going to see A health professional in about a month's time. so hopefully they will be able to give me some thoughts #i just am not confident enough to say im even LIKELY to have anything bc if I'm wrong then I'll feel the absolute worst about it #> ignores the fact that my mum is literally staying in the mental health ward rn so if she has struggles I'm more likely to have some too #but yea it's like. well i have passable social skills... (bc i spend a lot of time quietly observing ppl instead of talking to them myself) #i did well at school ..... (but excelled the most in primary school when the worksheets were simple and quick to do - #and only got things done on time in high school bc of my fear that the teachers would be disappointed in me if i didn't) #some ppl are just easier to talk to.... (when i know they're more likely to say what they mean and not have any hidden expectations of me) #i don't have focus problems.... (i just find it tough to do things unless my brain decides i really want to spend several hours on it NOW) #surely my teachers would've noticed... (but i was good at the work and planned what to say to them so they didn't worry abt me) #im not as intensely interested in stuff though.. (i literally spend half my days rotating them in my mind i just don't want to bother ppl) #etc etc you get what I'm trying to say. brain has a million excuses as to why i just suck at life #also i literally only figured out the other year or so ago. that when asked how you're doing. you're generally meant to ask it back #I THOUGHT I WAS GREAT WITH MANNERS but whenever teachers would ask me i treated it like a. quiz or something #and sometimes i think i did that with other people too. so. apologies to anyone who has ever dealt with me answering that way #and not returning the question. i genuinely didn't know you were supposed to do that and idk how that slipped past me

[drugeater]

Hmgr

#sometimes when I close my eyes for too long without sleeping it feels like I’m there again #I had a little princess bed #I kept a knife in my room because I promised myself that if she ever laid a hand on me I would defend myself #but she’d always apologize afterwards #and I’d forgive her every time #her screams were just so loud #it wasn’t yelling it was like screeching #every single night #idk.. #my hallucinations are like completely gone but whenever I see a shadow under a door I’m scared they’ve resurfaced #or that she’s really standing there #idk I don’t like to talk about it much because I don’t remember most of it but like my body does if that makes any sense.. #it effects every aspect of my life basically #and I want to remember it so bad but I know it’s better if I don’t #I just gah #I really didn’t go through that much but it feels like I did #it gets better but it’ll never go away #hands are all SWEATY from ROBLOX

[yoohyeon]

Saw that the Tumblr icon on my iPad changed so I went to see what’s up and WE FINALLY CAN REPLY WITH THE BLOG WE WANT !!! THANK YOU !!! Now staff make it so when you block someone it’s block on all sb too thanks I’m tired of blocking 3 times

#I’m tired of forgetting to add this is blah blah main when someone somment something on my sideblog 😭 #my phone is sadly too full for the update but at least my iPad is ! I’ll answer on it when someone comment ckdnjdnd #now I’m leaving again ! #oh I should update that my mom recognized she fucked up (will she learn a lesson though? only time we’ll tell us) #so she apologize my dad didn’t care but he went to get her at work today and they’ve been talking like nothing happen #since they had to go grocery shopping cause the fridge was empty #idk if they talked or they just decided it was better to not say anything and fight again #so I’m happy again don’t wanna d*e anymore until I look for job at least fkdndjdn #which is what I should do but I’m ignoring my problems reading ncjdndjnd #i waited at least today see if my parents were still on the verge of divorcing or not and they seem okay so I guess i’ll check 🙄 #pray that I found something nice 😭 #I’m tempted to find something that maybe I could work 4 days a week and not 5 but I’ll never find that #cause honestly I only pay for my phone and Sowon food + litter (and vet if needed) I don’t need that much #I did promise them I would pay for Puppy’s pills if I work though cause it’s like 200$ maybe less maybe more even I can’t remember a month #my mom is struggling bad since he got those pills it’s a lot for her small salary #I’m so lucky that my parents let me be even if they struggle but I feel so bad I need to get diagnose soon cause I’m difinetely anxious #and it’s ruining my life #also had to get check for ADHD and Autism words from my doctor for the ladder I’m personally not sure ? everyone tells me no #but those people knows nothing about autism they only person that says there’s ‘’high chance’ #is bestie and she study in psychology a little for her field so I trust her judgement way more ! but maybe it’s just a mix of the other 2 #that make it seem like I may who knows one day we’ll have the answers #okay I’m talking to much now I’ll go don’t know if I’ll come back soon but at least I wanted to tell you I felt better ! #we are back at the normal worries only 🤪 #alex.txt