#idk what this fantasy timeline is but it’s a fucking mess
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The downside to watching Black Sails with 24+hours worth of podcast historical piracy facts in my brain is having historical piracy facts in my brain.
#ra speaks#personal#*rotating a spanish galleon in my mind* plorbos from my seas…#wait it’s 1715 Edward teach is still serving under hornagold he won’t have captainship and his Blackbeard reputation for another two years#lol calico jack didn’t meet Anne Bonny until after he won a vote for captainship against Charles vane#in 1718 mind you amid the royal pardon and reestablishment of British control of Nassau via Captain Rogers#vane should be marooned after a shipwreck or rotting on death row he never met Anne Bonny#the Scarborough??? coming for Nassau at the height of its power as a pirate republic in 1715?? complete bullshit#idk what this fantasy timeline is but it’s a fucking mess#no one has mentioned my boy Bellamy yet <\3 sadge.#to be fair tho he was one of the first famous pirates to die/his crew were some of the first executed on American soil#so with this bullshit timeline they’ve got going who knows how long ago that was/if it even happened yet
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I'd love to know more about Arthur and Lyra!
I can't believe you got the hint when I was being so subtle about it 🤣
Sooooo... *checks back on notes she literally hasn't touched in like three years*
Lyra is the older Stark girl - by barely a year, some people assume she and Lyanna must be twins. Where Lyanna is soft and petite with an impish glint in her eyes that draws people in, Lyra is long limbs and sharp edges and while she is every bit as pretty as her little sister and just as adventurous, she is also more ladylike, introverted and has made it a point for most of her life to think before she speaks.
And while that should make for the perfect lady in any other situation, next to loud, boisterous and Gods, loveable Lyanna it's easy to see how Lyra has somewhat become the invisible sister and this becomes especially obvious when Robert Baratheon asks her father for Lyanna's hand.
(Not that Lyra would have wanted Robert, he appalled her as much as he did Lyanna)
Her father allows for the betrothal of Robert and Lyanna, but to add insult to injury he does so under the condition that they aren't to be wed until Lyra as the eldest is married - basically declaring her a sort of spinster, standing in the way of her sister's happy ever after to anyone who's into that sort of gossip (like IDK the whole of fucking Harrenhal during a certain tourney 💀)
But the truth is that Lyra is never jealous of Lyanna or blames her for how the world treats them so differently. She loves her little sister and only ever wants for her to he happy.
So when she catches Lyanna sneaking out of their tent one night twelve leagues from Harrenhal - about to run away with the (very married) prince Rhaegar - Lyra doesn't hesitate and follows her into the unknown.
And this is where background ends and the story starts -
She accompanies the little group of mostly Kingsguard and the runaway lovers - riding with Arthur Dayne for the first night and part of the day, because she doesn't yet have a horse of her own.
(He also lends her his cloak, because naturally she didn't bring spare clothes either 🥰)
Lyra and Arthur are the only witnesses to Lyanna's and Rhaegar's wedding and throughout the journey to Dorne we get a feel for the fact that Arthur doesn't necessarily approve of all that is happening, but it bound to Rhaegar both by his oath and his brotherly love for him.
The two of them build a tentative friendship, because with her sister all wrapped up in an all consuming romantic fantasy with a dragon (and for all the tower to hear, thank you very much) Lyra often feels lonely and homesick and Arthur is there to keep her company, either in the tower under the watchful eyes of this very small court, but also on long strolls on days when it feels like the walls are closing in.
We get some hints suggesting that they might be starting to get closer - and that maybe a certain Kingsguard might have had a faint un-oath-odox interest as far back as the tourney before that whole mess went down (although Lyra - optimistic at heart, but self-conscious at brain - attributed it to pity for the "Stark Spinster" back then and later as an attempt at keeping her entertained while his prince put the moves on her sister 😬)
But nothing really happens between them (maybe an almost kiss or sth, but no big relationship milestones yet). He is however the one to tell her that her father and brother were killed and throughout the rebellion news of Arthur's ongoing survival are pretty much the only silver lining to be had.
Then Rhaegar dies on the Trident, the news send Lyanna straight into early labour and we all know how that goes. Alas, we shift the timeline by a few days give or take so that when Ned arrives in Dorne, Lyanna has already been dead for a few days and Lyra has been tiptoeing her way around a breakdown trying to figure out what to do about the little crown prince when Robert Baratheon is on a "Kill all Targs" rampage through the Seven Kingdoms.
When Arthur gets near fatally wounded trying to keep his word to Rhaegar, Lyra fears she might lose the only person who knows the whole truth and who kept her somewhat sane during this time - and so she kills two birds with one stone by telling her brother that he can't kill Arthur, because they are married. And that Jon is their son.
And scene on Act I - "fake dating and co parenting shenanigans but make it fucking dark" to be commenced in Act II
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So I’ve been thinking about this a lot and: What do you all think would have happened if for whatever reason Chu Wanning realized that Mo Ran was being mind controlled by evil flower in time to save him in the original timeline? Like there’s a scene when he could have realized in the second timeline bc of the paper dragon, right? So what if he for whatever reason brought the paper dragon out sooner when the flower thing was still in stage one and told him to scan the surroundings for spells and then paid attention to what it said and realized that “this is the reason why Mo Ran has been like that™️, uh?”
Like I know that he obviously would solve the “mind control flower is trying to make me evil” thing relatively quickly bc he’s him but then there’s the fallout of all that? Bc I don’t know if he would realize like right away that Shi Mei was responsible for all that or if he would connect the dots right away? Either way I imagine he and honestly everyone else would become a lot more protective of baby Mo Ran after that.
There’s also the compulsive love for Shi Mei thing? I know that he only fell “in love” with Shi Mei bc of the flower and that without it at most he would have had a passing fancy for him if that (and that’s a big if bc boy had a thing for Chu Wanning even when mind controlled and evil) but would the “love” dissipate immediately after the removal of the flower or would it like remain like a pattern of like toxic thoughts that he has to learn to control like at the beginning of the book but this time like being more of a conscious thing?
Now that I finished typing the last paragraph I realized that once the flower is discovered it’s very damn obvious who the perpetrator is bc Mo Ran is not subtle about his “affections” for Shi Mei and Chu Wanning is smart af so Shi Mei is fucked which makes me really happy.
I think that in this timeline Mo Ran would be a good™️ person bc when my boy is not mind controlled he always wants to help people (I will fight for this point) but I’m also kinda curious about how the “a person who I thought was my friend tried to mind control me to take over the world bc I decided to sacrifice myself for the person I love” would affect his personality, there’s also the fact that idk if he would remember why he was given the flower or if Shi Mei would throw that in their faces to hurt them at some point, either way I’ve decided that in my version of this timeline Mo Ran and Chu Wanning have a very emotional conversation after that reveal where Mo Ran is like “I don’t regret it” or “I’m happy it was me and not you” and then kisses Chu Wanning in the forehead while Chu Wanning is crying softly and kinda trying to hide it bc forehead kisses are tender af and I love them
If you all are still reading this you may have realized that this is me being self indulgent af and sharing my fantasy world where this two boys had a more soft journey to a happy life, but just imagine this scenes:
Chu Wanning after he got rid of the flower influence in Mo Ran being all worried and not knowing exactly how to show it so he’s acting a lil bit grumpy and for the first time since he went into seclusion that time Mo Ran understands what he’s really trying to say and doesn’t act like he hates him
Mo Ran smiling to Chu Wanning for the first time since their fight, Mo Ran cooking for Chu Wanning, Mo Ran being nice to Chu Wanning. I just want Mo Ran taking care of Chu Wanning while Chu Wanning is having the slow dawning realization that he didn’t ruin his relationship with Mo Ran (one of the only people that treat him like a real human being and not a deity), that he didn’t do anything wrong.
Mo Ran having to deal with the fact that he has hurt Chu Wanning feelings while also wondering how much of it was the flower and how much of it was just him being human
Mo Ran and Chu Wanning being soft with each other like they were before everything went to shit
Mo Ran going out to help people like he did when Chu Wanning was asleep last time but this time Chu Wanning is there to watch him grow up to be the kind of person who helps everyone
Chu Wanning being told by Shi Mei how Mo Ran ended up mind controlled and him having to break the news to Mo Ran that this whole mess was Chu Wanning’s fault (bc he’s got a complex and blames himself for everything) only for Mo Ran to be like “I kinda remembered that while I was away and I didn’t tell you bc I knew you would blame yourself” and then hug Chu Wanning while reassuring him that this was Shi Mei’s fault and that Mo Ran doesn’t regret what happened
Chu Wanning being nervous the next time that he has to enter that kind of seclusion bc look what happened last time only for Mo Ran to reassure him that everything is going to be alright and reassure himself while he’s alone that this time he’s strong enough to protect Chu Wanning
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"More about his kinks? His rich history of sexual assault and how that messes with him? His hang-ups around physical attraction and emotional attraction? Something else that I’m forgetting to list?" ALL OF THE ABOVE! Seriously, if you wrote an essay on each topic I'd def read it, LOL, I'm so on board 🥳
I’m so sorry for taking forever to answer these. I felt like I wasn’t really giving the topic the due it deserved—I still think I could say more, and say it better, but here’s what I’ve got for now!
TW for talk about general sex stuff and sexual assault.
Section 1: Who is Loki attracted to?
Loki is bi/pan (not a label he would apply to himself, but I’m going to use it as shorthand). This is something he’s known about himself since his early adolescence. He probably was more aware of being attracted to women, just because, you know, heteronormativity. I head canon that queerness wasn’t totally accepted on Asgard when he was young, but there was a wide range of opinion and there were certainly many people that were totally accepting (amongst them, his family). And by the time of the MCU timeline, my hc is that attitudes are largely accepting. So young Loki is aware he’s attracted to men, and he’s willing to pursue that, but he’s still nervous about making it widely known. A lot of that is tied up with not feeling like it’s Asgardian enough, it’s not the kind of masculinity that Asgardians seem to prize.
My personal head canon is that Loki has been attracted to more men than women.
Section 2: When is he attracted to them?
I sometimes think that I sort of head canon Loki as demisexual (again, not a term he’d use). I see Loki’s libido becoming further and further separated from his capacity for emotional intimacy as he gets older. He gets to a point where he almost never feels attracted to someone unless he’s got that emotional connection...but he doesn’t like admitting to an emotional connection. So he’ll be like, ‘Oh, I just think he’s hot, no biggie. He just pops up in my sexual fantasies all the time, exclusively actually, and I regularly get off to the thought of him undressing—but it’s just physical! I don’t actually like him!” Like he’s fully aware that for other people, this is a thing that can be true. But it’s not true for him. In order for him to be really sexually attracted to someone, he has to have that emotional bond. Which again, he’ll deny. It’s a really healthy emotional cycle.
Section 3: Idk if it’s really sexuality but his genderfluidity
So again, I don’t think genderfluid is a term Loki would use to describe himself, and I also don’t think it’s quite the right word to use to describe what he is (just my personal hc, I of course do not have any issue at all with other people using the term to describe him). I definitely have Loki’s shapeshifting as part of his character, though I write him in his male form 95% of the time for a number of reasons, some of them related to canon, some of them more as a personal response to fanon. That’s out of scope for this ask, haha. I write him as identifying as male in his male form and female in her female form.
Section 4: Compartmentalization of sex as separate from emotional intimacy
Loki views sex, and his body, as a commodity. It’s another tool in his arsenal. He sees it as diplomacy, as a way to get what he wants, to save his life, whatever. He can and will use sex as a bargaining chip.
It’s maybe as a result of this, or maybe the other way around, that Loki doesn’t really feel sexual attraction to people unless he’s already got an emotional connection. He’s completely compartmentalized these two aspects of intimacy, to the point where he really fears the emotional intimacy that would lead to him feeling actual sexual attraction. Because he sees sex and sexual attraction as something he can control, it’s the less scary of the two. So sex is preferable to love. With sex, he can be in control (or tell himself he’s in control) of the situation, in the sense that he has consented to it in some way. But love? He didn’t consent to that. He doesn’t want to feel that. He can’t stop himself from feeling it and he can’t control who he feels it for.
Section 5: Sub/Dom?
I covered this in an earlier ask but I might as well talk about it again! My Loki is very very sexually submissive most of the time. Likes being put in his place, controlled, held down, told what to do, etc etc. He can be dominant sometimes, if the mood strikes him, but his preference is to be submissive.
Related to his nervousness around coming out, Loki very much felt like as the prince, as an Asgardian Man, there was like...a right way to have sex. If he was going to have sex with men, he was going to top. Only top. And he was going to be dominant about it. He had to be in charge, even though this really didn’t come naturally to him. So in his early sexual encounters, that’s what he did, even though it wasn’t what he wanted. This led to him having a lot of unsatisfactory sex as a young man, haha.
He also spent a decent portion of his life being ashamed of the kind of things that turn him on, because again, he thinks it’s bad optics for who he is.
Section 6: Kinks
My Loki isn’t Kinky™, he’s actually pretty vanilla. His favorite position is getting it from behind, and his second favorite position is missionary, and if he only did those two things for the rest of his life, he wouldn’t have a problem with it. He does, however, have kinks, and they are: authority and humiliation. This is kind of where the ‘very very’ comes from in ‘very very sexually submissive,’ ha. He likes feeling degraded, he likes being ordered around. Dirty talk is good, and preferably he’s being told about how bad he’s being and how he needs to be punished.
Caveat with this, which leads into my next point: he only really likes it if it’s with someone he loves. Because...
Section 7: Those kinks have fucked him up!
So part of me can’t help but think that the reason I see Loki with an authority kink is because of his daddy issues, haha. He pretty clearly has a deep need to please his father (not sexually, ew), and I think he then ends up being drawn to powerful authority figures. Thanos and the Grandmaster come to mind. I don’t head canon that anything sexual went on with Thanos (though I could be pretty easily persuaded to write some fucked up fic about it happening), but I absolutely head canon that stuff went on with the Grandmaster.
My head canon is that the Grandmaster was trying to get into Loki’s pants pretty much from the moment Loki showed up in front of him—constantly flirting, way too handsy, orgy invitations, parties with drugged drinks, the whole shebang. Loki was able to get away with not actually having sex with him, though, and always holding it out as a possibility in order to stay in the Grandmaster’s good graces. But when Thor and the Hulk fight in the arena, Loki offers sex in exchange for Thor’s life being spared (I have a fic about this, it’s called Lacuna). The sex is...not good for Loki. There’s definitely BDSM involved, and he is not into that. The Grandmaster rapes him. Repeatedly.
And...Loki is into humiliation and authority. So when he’s degraded and humiliated by the Grandmaster, and he gets off, he goes into this shame feedback loop. This is the kind of thing he likes, and if he likes it then there’s nothing wrong with what happened to him, and he put himself in the position anyway, and if he climaxed then it wasn’t assault, etc etc. He gets this way about non-sexual situations as well; like he definitely feels he deserved what he got with Thanos, and that he deserved to die on Svartalfheim because he feels responsible for Frigga’s death. He has this way of pushing blame off himself and never taking responsibility for his actions...until he does, and then he blames himself for everything.
Section 8: Yes I head canon Loki has a rich history of sexual assault
Oof, guys, Loki has been assaulted so many times in my head canon. His first experience was as an adolescent, where he almost gets gang-raped by two security guards. There were definitely other dubious to nonconsensual experiences in pre-Thor 1 times.
There are some traumatic times after his Fall:
He does some time at the Kiln, and he allows a prison guard to pretty much do whatever he wants to Loki. Loki uses this to escape.
Eventually, Loki ends up getting captured and sold into slavery. He ends up in a sex trafficking market, where he’s raped repeatedly, including gang-raped. He’s heavily drugged during this time to keep him from escaping but still has some memories of it. This is where the Black Order picks him up. They repeatedly remind him that they ‘saved’ him.
Then, of course, there’s the aforementioned stuff with the Grandmaster.
Section 9: Not that he'll ever call it that
Oh yeah but Loki will never in a million years call any of this ‘rape.’ In almost every assault, he’ll tell himself that he actually never said no, so actually, he was in control. He could have stopped it, but he just didn’t, because of Reasons. So it’s not rape. He had it under control. He did. Seriously. There’s no trauma.
He just tries not to think about the time in the sex trafficking market because he can’t really contort that into anything but what it was. If he has to think about it, usually he figures he deserved it.
I mentioned this in an ask recently, where I think one of Loki’s deepest fears is losing control. I think he really fears losing control over a situation, but his biggest fear is losing control over himself. In my hc, Loki really feels as though his grasp on his sense of self is tenuous at best; that he isn’t in control of his own mind (hello, Mind Stone, you didn’t help); that he might just do something that he didn’t plan or want to do. You know that feeling you get where you look at a window and think, What if I just jumped out? Loki really, really fears that feeling, because he’s not sure he can stop himself from actually following through. And stripping him of his bodily autonomy with sexual assault is just another way to fuck him up. Having him deny what it is because he’s so terrified of losing control adds a delicious layer of toxicity to the whole brew.
Section 10: But I still think he's capable of finding The One and having a great sex life and an unbreakable emotional bond
Having said that! Loki’s sexual trauma doesn’t actually hamper his ability to have sex. It does hamper his ability to fall in love, because falling in love is another form of losing control. I think that he could definitely get triggered by certain sexual things, but of course, I write him with Stephen, who is basically the kindest, most considerate lover ever, haha. I talked in another ask about how Loki’s humiliation and authority kinks, coupled with his lack of communication skills, lead him to expect Stephen to be a mindreader, and to just kind of...do the stuff that Loki wants him to do. But of course, Stephen isn’t going to do something that could actually cause Loki physical pain without being explicitly told to do so and receiving Loki’s enthusiastic consent. But Loki doesn’t want to communicate! Loki thinks it’s hot to just get ravaged.
My fic is about a lot of this stuff, not necessarily explicitly the sexual stuff, but a lot of the issues that are bound up with it—the control issues, the attraction to authority figures, the difficulty forming emotional bonds. Through the course of my main series, Loki is really picking away at getting better about all of this, and the endgame, of course, is that he’s able to accept being loved, and loving in return.
I feel like I didn’t articulate any of this as well as I wanted to, but I didn’t want to let this ask sit in my inbox forever, and I’ve been picking away at this now for like two weeks. So, I hope that was a satisfying essay! I could probably go on tbh, but I’ll leave it at this.
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(please do note that my description now only appears in my custom theme)
eh, imma make a masterpost for stuff
go here if you just found my blog :p
[my inbox is always open for asks & submissions! :D]
[anonymous asks are on]
[#art trades: closed]
[also please ask me to tag any triggers you may find on a post; i might forget to do so—]
[i don’t have a dni bc the only thing i need to do to decide whether or not a new follower is worthy to stay is read any of their blog descriptions]
>> —^—<<
Fluff/Angst War Stuff:
if you’re new to this mess that we call a War, click on this timeline to get yourself up to date!
(updates every Saturday!)
>> —^— <<
stuff i can do for ya:
art requests (in general): closed
fandom/original character marker sketches: closed (search for #digital sketches to find them)
still life/food sketches: closed (search for #food stuff to find them)
this expression + color palette challenge thingy: closed (search for #expression + palette to find them)
traditional art doodles: closed
make a creature (mostly replies & rbs tho): closed (search #making a creature :3 to find them)
(more specific kinds of art requests will be added here if i like it)
details are here
3 emojis 1 character challenge: closed
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tags:
#yip yap tis a mess (reblog conversations & shenanigans)
#inquiries of a fennec (ask posts)
#a really nice anon (just some normal anon asks)
#a not-so-nice anon (…yeah they’re hate anons)
#f/a factoids (Fluff/Angst War-related asks, only for my sake)
#offerings to the fennec (submissions)
#a fennec appears! (reblogged art posts where me or anything associated with me are there)
#facts from the fennec (getting to know the person behind the blog)
#the fennec pack! (i now have ten normal-sized fennecs, apparently)
#[blank] of the fennec pack! (posts of a fennec from the fennec pack)
#the protector; #protector of chaos (posts of being a responsible person, especially to @the-chaos-family)
#*i want a sword intensifies* (restraint from giving aggressive support & positivity or psa’s from the Protector of Chaos)
#i thrive in lore (unnecessary headcanons)
#fantasy fun facts (for approximate accuracy) (if some fantasy info i found out seemed kinda inaccurate, i’ll make a post with this tag; it is not to be taken too seriously)
#rants from a not-so-closeted bi (a bunch of bullshitting in tags)
#just random doodles (a bunch of bullshitting, except i draw about it)
#just jammin’ sessions (music stuff)
#just writing some bullshit (yes, i write stuff too)
#jammin’s ocs (my ocs exist)
#AuraStone; #AuraStone Anecdotes (drawings, comics & doodles for the former, asks and other official stuff for the latter)
#jam does art tutorials?? (it’s an ocassional thing that i do when asked)
#sending hugs & stuff (wholesome content)
#the protector is protected (wholesome content, but as the Protector of Chaos)
#there’s a link here btw (linked posts that you might miss because they’re just underlined)
#the meaningful jargon (I FINALLY HAVE A SPEAKING TAG LEZZGOOOOO)
#that was stupid; #idk anymore (the usual shitpost™️ or posts where i speak because i’m too lazy to make a new tag)
#<= (a tag for me speaking); #<= (also a tag for me speaking) (any newcomers might be confused abt those speaking tags so i made new ones to go with them)
#(tags) (usually added after trigger tags; used to indicate that the ‘trigger(s)’ are in my tags and not in the post itself)
#ah fuck what now (vent)
#lamenting limericks (pretty depressing poems)
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#hahaha wtf did i just write (the sudden outbursts of creativity that i talked about; usually “deep”)
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#jam’s right brain (all about Mardiane Pridedraft, my right brain)
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friend tags:
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#fishy siblings (posts of me & ysa)
#chaos family! (uhhhh yeah you get it)
#friend support and boredom; #fsnb (things about my first character, party, & campaign; and shenanigans with my former dnd group)
#two monks & a paladin walk into a tavern... (things about my second character, party, & campaign; and shenanigans with my CURRENT dnd group)
*others might be added soon; just need interesting tags*
>> —^— <<
saga tags: (yes that’s what i’m gonna call them-)
#the berry campaign [finished(?)] (i knew something fishy was going on with that fennec...)
#a berry mysterious fox [finished] (they go missing, shit got wrecked, but it was an easy job for them :/)
#they shall be HIS [finished] (yes, i know this is focused on who stole Renniko’s cookies *ahemTobyahem*...but aren’t you aware of the wolf assault???)
#investigation of the star; #stargazing! [finished] (trying to find the identity of ⭐️ anon)
#fire kitty angy [finished] :3 (oh no shit’s messed up the chaos is pretty emotionally destructive i can’t take it anymore—)
#intimidation check [finished] (maybe i shouldn’t have asked for more power... oh well, at least i became a flaming lion being—)
#star anon’s liquid hug test [finished] (as a test subject for the new liquid hugs, it’s not... great...)
#a soul-splitting out-of-body experience [finished] (apparently i’ve been told that my left & right brain saved me? what the fu-)
#the ronnie situation [finished] (*Alexander Hamilton instrumental starts* how does one little fennec with their paws on a chainsaw, somehow cause two headaches and some hell-inducing chaos?)
#the shitshow. [finished] (arguments & denials ensue, i think i messed up there-)
#aftermath of the shitshow. [finished] (but everything goes well again, don’t worry-)
#rise of the Protector [finished] (when i joined @the-chaos-family & earned my role as the Protector of Chaos, and when i got the Love Sword!)
sideblogs/other blogs:
@isei-files (hope this superhuman database will stick—)
#masterpost#long post#>> —^— <<#fluff/angst war#f/a war#facts from the fennec#a fennec appears!#chaos family!#i thrive in lore#just random doodles#jam does art tutorials??#just writing some bullshit#just jammin’ sessions#jammin’s ocs#that was stupid#idk anymore#the meaningful jargon#inquiries of a fennec#offerings to the fennec#yip yap tis a mess
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EVENS FOR SOLARA
this got super long, so it’s under the cut but pls enjoy my tiny space child
basics
2. what does their name mean? why were they named that? solara means “of the sun.” when i first named her, i actually got it off one of those dtar wars themed name generators, so i didn’t know it was, like, a legit name. but now i think it’s cute because she was born on tatooine which is known for it’s binary suns and her parents fell in love under those suns.
4. how old are they? she’s 17 during a new hope, born roughly two years after the events of the prequel trilogy.
6. what’s their zodiac sign/element/birthstone/etc.? do they believe that holds any significance? okay so since she doesn’t have a birthday (because idk how that shit correlates to sw), i consulted with joey on astrology and she came to the conclusion that solara fits as a gemini for her sun sign. if astrology was a thing in sw, she’d probably believe in it tbh, she gives astrology girl vibes.
8. what “class” do they belong to (for fantasy characters)? if none, what weapon do they favor? she’s technically a jedi. after the events of the original triology, her and luke make it their mission to bring back the jedi order, with the caveat that solara wants to be better and not make the mistakes the original council made. she favors her lightsaber. her first saber was her mother’s that obi-wan gifts her with during anh. somewhere after esb (either when luke gets his green saber or at least somewhere in the timeline before the sequels) she gets a set of two sabers (she uses one regular saber and then a shoto, much like ahsoka tano does). all of her sabers, both her mothers and her own are blue.
appearance
2. do they have a face claim? poppy drayton!
4. how do they carry themselves? What’s their default expression? she gives off a very happy go lucky vibe, especially in the first film. during anh, she’s very naive and ready to throw herself into the action. she hardens a little after anh, so in esb she’s a little bit wiser and more cautious, which increases through the series. either way, her default expression is either a smile or rolling eyes.
personality
2. which one of the 16 personality types do they fit into? i’m not great with these, but i feel like she has qualities of either (i/e)nfp!
4. what are they bad at? she has a problem sometimes with admitting when she’s wrong about something or when she can’t handle things alone. she loves proving herself capable but sometimes it takes a toll on her but she’ll rarely admit when she needs help.
6. do they have any vices/addictions/mental illnesses? there’s definitely some trauma from watching her dad be killed in front of her, which only gets worse when she finds out that anakin is vader because she knows that obi-wan loved anakin, like that was his best friend and closest ally before he went to the dark side so she is not a fan of the betrayal.
8. what are their manners like? any habits? her manners are a bit all over the place depending on the situation. she knows how to control herself, be patient, polite, and have composure because discipline was involved in her force teachings, but she can tend to become impatient and snarky. for habits, she fiddles with her fingers a lot and can definitely be found meditating at least once a day.
background
2. what’s their family like? growing up, her family was simply her dad. her mother died during childbirth, so obi-wan raised solara himself and was also her pseudo jedi master once he realized her abilities with the force. after his death, her family is a found family of luke, leia, han, chewie, and the droids.
4. how do they fit into their “story”? she’s the force sensitive jedi in training daughter of obi-wan kenobi and a good portion of her story is to parallel the skywalker/kenobi relationship (in the sense of close companions, bes friends, battle partners and how it would be if there was no fall to the sith) and take it a step deeper.
6. how do they eventually die? as of right now, in the sequel trilogy solara is the only one from the original triology human quartet left alive. so for her, death i’m not entirely sure when it happens but it won’t be because of war and bloodshed.
relationships
2. what’s their friend group like? what role do they play in it? her friend group is highkey chaotic. lots of sarcasm and loving insults being thrown around. she definitely fills the role of the baby of the group and han treats her like a chaotic little gremlin child (aka the sister he never asked for).
4. who do they look up to? who do they trust? before he passed, she looked up to her father a lot. for 17 years, he was basically all she had. from the stories she’s been told, she also looks up to her mother and ahsoka tano (who she’s only heard of through spare stories her father’s mentioned - she thinks the girl is a total badass). as for trust, she really goes to trust luke. a core thing about solara’s journey is that it parallels the original skywalker/kenobi bond (with romance added obviously and without the betrayal), so it fun to see how much her and luke come to trust each other. she also puts a lot of trust in han, leia, and chewie.
6. do they have any pets? she does not have any pets. in esb, there’s a droid she sorta befriends but that doesn’t really count as a pet but like,,,a friend that beeps at you.
fun facts
2. do they play any instruments? sports? she doesn’t play any instruments. does lightsaber dueling count as sports haha
4. do they collect anything? i feel like she’d want to keep little souvenirs of all the places she’s been to, considering for 17 years her world was just the barren sands of tatooine because her dad was lowkey a hermit even with her being around (although, i guess that’s a bit subject to change with the obi-wan show but as of rn i probably won’t include that canon if it messes up my canon).
6. which emoji would they use the most? either 🥺 or 😋
8. what’s their favorite expletive? star wars language wise, probably kriffing (which i think is the equivalent of like fuck, idk), but honestly she deserves to say fuck like she’s on the chart of “let these characters say fuck”
10. what songs remind you of them? i see fire by ed sheeran always reminds me of her story. also sun by sleeping at last.
12. what stereotypical high school clique would they fit into? whatever the clique is that has the nice kids, maybe a little bit of a jock thing going on but also not really?
14. do they believe in aliens? ghosts? reincarnation or something else? aliens, yes because she lives in space. ghosts, also yes because of the force. reincarnation probably not but she does believe in becoming one with the force when you die.
16. which deadly sin do they most correspond to? which heavenly virtue? pride and kindness (also, because i know there’s sorta a concept of an “eighth” sin/virtue aka despair and hope, she’d also fit into a hope category if you subscribe to that idea!)
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I legit had to google what they looked like in game because I’d completely forgotten. I can’t say I ever really noticed or cared but I do see what you mean. Sword/Shield were very lifeless to me anyway, the mc had like two facial expressions and that was it which was weird because they went kind of back to the X/Y mc and they had more personality. I was generally just rather disappointed in S/S tbh. I hope the next pkmn game will be less... everything the series is now. (1/5)
agreed, i noticed it in botw, too, that link just stares blankly during cutscenes and then your pokemon trainer does the same thing in s/s. i know it’s my player avatar but i wouldn’t be standing there like a zombie with all this shit goin on! plus both have had so much personality in the past. and yeah to me s/s felt way too linear just bc there was like... nothing in between each gym. the world felt lacking. the big open area was kinda cool but tbh there wasn’t as much in it as i would’ve liked. idk, it didn’t feel complete, and i don’t wanna pay for the dlc content... plus no new eeveelution? boooo
Yeah it was! We played OoT and MM together, puzzling over the dungeons and being terrified of all the undeads together. Also, those giant eels in MM when you go to save the Zora eggs. They were so scary the first time. She’s kind of stopped playing when WW came out because she hated the look so much and then the Wii came with motion controls and she threw in the towel. But I got her interested in BotW so she got herself a switch and is currently playing (struggling) through LA. (2/5)
that’s so sweet! i know ww was really controversial when it came out bc of the look, i’m glad it turned out to be well-remembered but i can understand seeing the trailer and thinking “wtf is this” lol. especially bc the tech demo was this realistic thing if i remember right. but it’s great that she’s getting back into it!
It’s cute that your mom learned pkmn to help you! And that she plays AC now! Does she game otherwise? I don’t do hard games either. The hardest I’m willing to go is basically Final Fantasy but other than that it’s Zelda/Okami/Mario like games and stuff like Harvest Moon. I do think Nintendo forgets the nostalgia part a little with the remakes sometimes. They didn’t fuck over OoT but I think it’d’ve rained hellfire if they had. I have no idea how hard the motion controls would be to convert. 3/5
she plays mobile games, but she might branch out more now that she’s got a switch so that’s exciting. i play games for fun so i’m not that interested in super brutal games, a bit of a challenge is fine sometimes but i don’t wanna be swearing at the tv lol. i agree that sometimes nintendo gets a little too... ambitious. the whole “always gotta change it up” shtick does make for some unique concepts but other times they’re tinkering around messing something up that wasn’t even broken. it’s like they don’t quite understand what the appeal was in the first place sometimes. cough, the paper mario series. cough.
But they’ve done it before, sort of. Okami went from PS to Wii to switch, they must have some way of figuring it out. I never played Zelda games that weren’t part of the official timeline, HW is more of a fighting game anyway, isn’t it? I’m notoriously bad at those so I just don’t bother. I never cared for Zelda much as a character until SS though she was sorta fun in PH. I suspect the trailer is the very start of the game and with Ganon waking up they’re torn apart. But we’ll see. 4/5
true, i don’t think it would be impossible. and there’s motion controls in the pokemon let’s go games that seem similar, having to hold the controller in a certain position and make a speciific movement. i think it’d be awesome. and yeah hw is like a dynasty warriors game (which i’ve never played) except zelda. it’s pretty cathartic, you take out large hordes of enemies and tbh button mashing combos will get you through the whole game lol. i’ve always been fond of zelda and wished she got to do more, but yeah we’ll have to see!
Also thanks for the encouragement, I'm gonna need it haha. Unrelated to either pkmn or zelda but how've you been? There's a heatwave where I live and I am actually melting. I hope you're doing better while recovering from your surgery :) - Pokenon 5/5
i’m doing good! we’ve had some storms here lately but it’s nice if you don’t have anywhere to be lol, that it is until all the power gets knocked out. i have my last post-op check-up at the end of this week and i feel like everything’s healing like it should. hope you’re doing well, too! get plenty of water
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december book round up
happy new year’s everyone! i had a pretty good book year this year; completed my goodreads challenge and surpassed it to boot, with a total of 148 books read. 10 less than last year, but still pretty good! :) i read 15 books in december that i’ll talk about now; i’ll hopefully post a yearly round up talking about the best and worst of 2019 some time today. also i’m not sure why goodreads has ballsed up the order but chronin was my last book of the year, not mstsk.
gideon the ninth - tamsin muir ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ very good, just, really good, i had a GOOD TIME with this book. very appealing to me specifically in the way stories about deep loyalty between two people often are. i loved all of the houses in some way, but especially i love gideon and her two lesbian brain cells. a reread is probably necessary for me to wrap my head around all of the world-building/magic/necro stuff but it was all very good. really looking forward to the sequels.
being hers - anna stone ⭐️⭐️ lesbian bdsm romance between a grad student and a high-powered businesswoman. wasn’t particularly good, but also i didn’t hate it.
introducing mr. winterbourne - joanna chambers ⭐️⭐️⭐️ reread from earlier this year. really cute story of historical romance with a couple who have great chemistry.
mr. winterbourne’s christmas - joanna chambers ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ lysander and adam’s story continued a year or more later. i love house party stories; the ensemble cast thing really works for me somehow. this was super fun, really cute, and the women who i thought were lesbians turned out to indeed be lesbians. yaaaaas.
how to blow it with a billionaire - alexis hall ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ reread in preparation to read the last book of the series. now that i’ve read them all i think this is definitely my favourite, just for how tender it is, and the time they spend getting to know each other and how fucking nerdy caspian is.
how to belong with a billionaire - alexis hall ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ last book in the series. THEY GET HEIR HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!! i have to reiterate that billionaire romances aren’t my thing, and it’s only because i like alexis hall so much and i trust him that i gave this a chance. i’m glad i did. this third book took a few turns i wasn’t expecting, and the long periods of separation made me SO SAD. i loved what it said about abuse and recovery and kink. i just hated that the abuser didn’t die lol.
underground airlines - ben h. winters ⭐️⭐️⭐️ dystopian novel about a timeline in which abraham lincoln was assassinated way before he actually was in real life, and slavery was never abolished in the us (or other places? the book was very NA centric). now, in the 21st century a group of southern states known as the hard four still have legal slavery, and our protag is a black former slave working as a bounty hunter for the gov’t to capture runaways. my biggest problem with this novel is that it seems to cast ol’ abe as The Most Important Reason Why Slavery Was Abolished and because he never got the chance to do what he did then we’re supposed to think it’s completely believable that it never got abolished countrywide. i’m simplifying a lot of things in the book of course, but man, i couldn’t get over that. otherwise: neat premise, skilful writing, tender in unexpected ways. couldn’t help but headcanon the protag as queer.
life in bits - harper bliss, t.b. markinson ⭐️⭐️ contemporary lesbian romance. a successful photographer returns to her home town to convalesce after suffering a stroke; has a fling with a cute nurse that quickly turns into something more. i... didn’t really like it lol. :/ and i usually like harper bliss books a lot! idk how the authors handled the co-writing, but i didn’t like the writing style, and the main character just wasn’t appealing. and she was a grumpy older dyke which is usually CATNIP to me!! i just wasn’t interested in them as people, or in their relationship.
his cocky valet - cole mccade ⭐️⭐️⭐️ contemporary m/m romance about a spoilt rich kid who’s suddenly propelled to the top of his father’s business empire under traumatic circumstances, and the valet he hires who helps him keep his life on track. tropey as heck, but in a good way. got super intense kink-wise, in a way i didn’t exactly enjoy, but i think it was a good read overall
fake fiancee - clara reese ⭐️⭐️ f/f romance, two friends pretend to be fiancees but then fall in love for real. dawn needs to keep her uncle’s inheritance, which will allow her to open a home for battered women. her contractor gina has a sick brother who needs surgery. they pretend to be engaged to satisfy the will, and profit! cute, tropey in exactly the way i like, but the writing just didn’t have anything to recommend to it. hot tho.
borealis investigations 1-3 - gregory ashe ⭐️⭐️⭐️ two best friends operating a private detective agency that specialises in cases that involve the lgbtqia community. the best thing about this series was the chemistry between north and shaw. it was SO GOOD and the slow burn that moved them from best friends to lovers was CHEFS KISS so good. and all the delicious mutual pining. the mysteries in all three books were competent enough. kept me guessing. and i like ashe’s writing style and humour! but there were so many irritating things. an almost all lily-white cast in the first book (which is fine! write what you know!) with one single black character who was of course, predatory, evil and lusting after the innocent white boy. lots of little “haha sjws” moments (mostly involving pari, their indian temp whom i loved, but man she got done dirty) . making fun of neo-pronouns. fights about nothing to induce drama. and the writing style started to grate on me at some point. it’s frustrating because i could have so easily LOVED these books. instead i just liked them.
my sister, the serial killer - oyinkan brathwaite ⭐️⭐️⭐️���️ mystery/thriller set in nigeria. korede is the quintessential long-suffering older sister to ayoola. ayoola is beautiful beyond words, gets all the attention, and everyone thinks she can do no wrong. but korede knows better, because ayoola has a bad habit of killing her boyfriends, and calling korede to help her clean up the mess. oops! the book starts with her third murder. i loved this; predictable in some ways, but well written, wsitty, and very engaging because of the culture and these terrible wonderful characters.
chronin volume 2 - alison wilgus ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ conclusion to the chronin two-parter; a fun time travelling romp that grabbed me by the whole heart. mirai struggles to confront the events that have transpired in this new past, has some revelations, and saves the damn day. i’m so glad this was my last book of the year, purely for how HAPPY it made me. i read the last forty or so pages with my hand on my heart.
and that’s it for december, and 2019! it’s been an up and down year for me personally, but it’s been a good year in terms of books. really happy that i’ve been able to continue reading a lot; reading was the love of my teenage years and reconnecting with that, with just the love of getting lost in a book for a few hours... it’s great. admittedly i read a lot of schmoopy gay romance but hey guess what? romance novels are good actually.
for 2020 i hope to read more of my two other loves, science fiction and fantasy. and if i can get scifi and fantasy that’s also gay, even better! like i said i’ll post my yearly round up later today hopefully, but if you’re interested, here’s my year in books from goodreads in the mean time.
currently reading my first book of the decade: a land so wild by elyssa warkentin.
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List-O-Muses
So, I have a lot, a few I cannot remember, a few I’ve never put on Tumblr... So I shall put up a list of them all... by category! Only certain muses will get an explanation and not all have blogs, the ones I remember that do will have them!
Also some blogs might have autoplay, I will label the ones I remember. Some of these blogs have not been touched in years, I apologize
Muse I’ve Had since Before Tumblr
Lexara (OC)- Originally a special agent of some kind, I made her around about 2005, when I first started to read Manga and started drawing characters. She had short hair- Like me at the time, and she was tough and rugged... because my protected catholic ass hadn’t learned the word ass or any swear word ever.
Muses I’ve had on Tumblr
Category 1- KH and FF
Leon/Squall (Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy VIII)- This blog still exists for the nostalgia. I don’t rp on it, but this was my gateway to RP in 2011 on this sight. I made it to be on an AU KH RP community, but it never happened, but I found some of my oldest and closest friends there, so yaaaay!! URL- http://transient-awoken.tumblr.com/ AUTOPLAY WARNING
Zidane Tribal (Final Fantasy IX)
Data Sora (Kingdom Hearts Re:Coded)
Reeve/Cait Sith (Final Fantasy VII and Dirge of Cerberus)
Vincent Valentine (Final Fantasy VII and Dirge of Cerberus)
Zack Fair (Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep, Final Fantasy Crisis Core)- Url- https://gongagan-soldier.tumblr.com/
Axel/Lea (Kingdom Hearts)- URL- http://flamesxofxeternity.tumblr.com/
Vanitas- URL- https://menfilik.tumblr.com/
Category 2- TOME Canon Characters (because I have OCs too)
Nylocke- WAAAAAAY Back in 2011, I made him a blog, no one else was around, I cried, i deleted, but back them was when I started thinking of Omega... so that’s a plus
Zetto/Kirbopher- My second attempt at a TOME blog that I loved! the icon is from Muffin, I remember seeing the older one going omg it’s perfect, then I got to know her and she is very nice from what I remember (it’s been a while) URL- http://thexcyborgximp.tumblr.com/
Alpha/Kajet- URL- http://godsheritage.tumblr.com/ idk if it is auto play, but there is the possibility of music so AUTOPLAY WARNING
Sofdti/GC- http://lifelinkoftome.tumblr.com/
Category 3- TOME OCs (I’m putting them all here, even though some might fit in other categories)
Omega- He is one of my all time favorite muses I’ve ever made, I love using him, and I even named my car after him, same orange he has on his outfit. URL-http://remorseformistakes.tumblr.com/
King- Based off of an AU with a character named Lady Tigerlilly where the Virus takes over Zetto’s life. URL- http://incurableshadows.tumblr.com/
Squire- Same AU as above, but the other half of King’s code. Same URL.
Velvet- The Prototype to the Antivirus and ‘Older Sister’ of Cake’s oc Amber. I have done a lot more with her in private RP, so she’s grown more than the blog shows. URL- http://purpuravitae.tumblr.com/
Mocha Latte- The Barista of the Netkings named Jane Doe.
Category 4- Canon Misc (the muses on Tumblr that I used that aren’t big enough to class on their own like 1-3 were)
Yang (RWBY)- URL- http://blazing-beauty.tumblr.com/ AUTOPLAY WARNING
Sombra (Overwatch)- URL- https://boop-the-planet.tumblr.com/ Possible AUTOPLAY WARNING
Ryuko Matoi (Kill La Kill)- URL- http://alliancexofxlifexfibers.tumblr.com/ AUTOPLAY WARNING
Yami Yugi/Atem (YGO from Season 0 to 5 and the movies)- URL- https://forgotten-monarch.tumblr.com/
Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2, 4, and Revengeance)
Pikachu (Pokemon)
N (Pokemon)
Male Pokemon Trainer (Pokemon Black and White)
Endrance (.hack series)
Haseo (.hack series)
Jade Curtiss (Tales of the Abyss)
Amaterasu (Okami Series)- I think I managed to get the blog url ‘Mother of All’, but that was ages ago
Shadow the Hedgehog (Sonic Series)
Levi Ackerman (Attack on Titan)
Nagito Komaeda (Danganronpa)
Rin Matsuoka (FREE!)
Link (Legend of Zelda)- I remember deciding to RP him as a mute, so I got really good at describing actions with him
Dark Link (Legend of Zelda)
Hsien-Ko (Darkstalkers)
B.B. Hood (Darkstalkers)
Sesshomaru (Inuyasha)
Category 5- OC Misc (same as above, but OCs)
Xurik (Kingdom Hearts)- Based off of a story I wrote for FANFICTION.NET (so ages ago) And never put up... I also have to heavily edit it, my vocabulary had found out about words such as ‘damn’, ‘shit’, and ‘fuck’ and I thought it was cool to use it a lot. I’ll take a pic of that notebook one day. it is a MESS. URL- http://ashenxheart.tumblr.com/
Kirara (Naruto)- A ninja with a demon that had an amazing voice, used songs to buff and debuff her allies and enemies.
Ezekiel (Final Fantasy IX)- the soul that became Zidane, he is the part of Zidane that craves the blood of Gaia’s Citizens. Can use a scythe made from blood and has Blood Wings......... I was just out of high school and very depressed XD
Riboruba (Final Fantasy VIII and Kingdom Hearts)- She is the personification of Squall’s/Leon’s Gunblade! Fun Fact: Riboruba is the Japanese pronunciation of Revolver, to which that is the style of Gunblade Squall has.
Category 6- Main Characters that are heavily AU-d
AU Abridged Yami Bakura (YGOTAS and Kingdom Hearts)- Yes... a parody character, which is it’s on AU in a way, in an AU where he is a keyblade wielder................................ tada! I made this with my good friend millennium-hearts at a con, and because of this blog we are practically family. URL- http://thiefxkeybladerxbakura.tumblr.com/ Possible AUTOPLAY WARNING
AU Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)- He is basically Sephiroth, but winning, the world is pretty much dying/almost dead, so like.... Worst Case Scenario/Apocalypse AU
AU Nylocke (TOME) I’m putting this here because this is the Nylocke that is apart of the Omega Timeline. Where Nylocke had a twin brother (Nye is Colin-based on tta Nai’s name, and Martin- because Martin Billaney), who died. He is also the world’s best hacker, even better than the main villain of the blog, which was revealed once, but never by name. URL with Omega.
Hao Asakura- This was semi-based on the manga and the anime mixing. the story the blog was based off of is actually still on Fanfiction.Net i named Angel of the Devil (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6203556/1/Angel-of-the-Devil) Feel free to read it! There are 9 chapters!
Glitchy Red (Pokemon Creepy Pasta)- He was based off of many different piecemeal creepy pastas (Lost Silver, Pokemon Black, Strangled Red, Glitchy Red, small stories about the candle instead of flash, but used in a house it would burn it down, and the rope inside would make you hang yourself). This blog got me into KORN.
Category 7- Muses on Blogs that belong there, but are not the main reason people went to said blog
Xirra (TTA)- She is a re-purposed character with a whole new look to fit into TOME, and I used her on Remorse for Mistakes
Darkeyes (TTA)- Much Like Xirra, but never got onto the blog much.
Demon Eyes Kyo (Demon Eyes Kyo)- I read this manga in the 6th grade... it is fucking bloody and gory, so don’t look it up if you are weak stomached. I used him as the Guardian Spirit of Hao on his blog instead of the Fire Spirit.
Beelzemon (Digimon)- I had him on a blog I have yet to mention, but you’ll see why I haven’t yet, that blog is in a category all of its own~
Keldeo (Pokemon) He made a brief appearance on Kirb/Zetto blog... Chris named him Vic........ because voiced by Vic......
Muses I’d love to make, but I finally have self control so I won’t make them
Infinite (Sonic Forces)- Because he is my super floof boy and I must PROTECC
Qrow Branwen (RWBY)- I must protecc the birb boi too
THE LUKA-POCALYPSE
I have had a lot of Luka’s in my time RPing, and I loved the name so much, I use it as my online pseudonym now... now you will learn where I get it from!
Luka Crosszeria (Uraboku)- This was the man I fell for, he is extremely loyal and protective of the one he loves through every reincarnation they have, and will do anything, even betray his own kind for love. So in a way, I can relate. I want to do the same with my friends and family and girlfriend. This is the blog Beelzemon is on. URL- http://crosszeriaxbetrayer-blog.tumblr.com/ AUTOPLAY WARNING
Luka Crosszeria (Final Fantasy XIV)- She is my character from my favorite and most played MMO. And while she no longer has a blog, she does have an instagram! URL- https://www.instagram.com/luka_of_eorzea/
Luka Cross (OC- No other affiliation)- She is a girl with the power to summon elementals. From fire and ice spirits, to even the goddess of the moon. Her goal is to gain the power of Elder Summoning. Aldo Omega is in this AU as the guardian of the Library of Summoners, and he is an Elder Summon.
Luka (TOME)- She is the little sister of Xirra. A different kind of virus, hers is a contact epidemic virus that spreads through touch. She has her hands covered at all times, and is very shy, but is almost second to none in hand to hand combat, being at least 30 time stronger than her just 4 foot stature would lead you to believe. she is also a lolita that wears extremely tall boots, and yet she is still very short... like just under 5 foot short. She also dates a giant dragon... and she sounds like Hinata from Naruto... she is an actual baby that is months old
#long post under cut#all my muses!!!!!#well........ most that I remember.......#57 that's not including the muses I am restraining
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More The Girl Who Leapt Through Time DEH AU
(I really need to think of a shorter name for this lmao)
COnnors Ghost only appears when Connor has made the decision to kill himself
When Evan finds out he has a panic attack (He Can’t handle the pressure of Saving Someone’s Life)
Every time he sees connors ghost he lowkey panics
Evan doesn't have an unlimited amount of ‘jumps’ IDK how many were in the movie but I’ll probably give him like 18 (Connors age)
Evan doesn’t know there’s a limit he just assumes he can go back as many times it takes to stop connor from dying
He can’t see the little tattoo (His cast covers it RIP)
That’s what it looks like (instead of 00 it’d be like 18)
The Jumps are a gift from Connor’s ghost??? He hates Evan, but Evan is the only one who tried to keep his memory alive (Who didn’t Forget about him)
Some of Evans jumps are for selfish reasons, He says something dumb to Zoe and he goes back and tries to say something cool
Connors ghost gets super fucking pissed (Don’t use this to Fucking flirt with my sister)
Evan never does it again
FOr one of the times, Evan doesn’t write the letter to himself and Connor never comes up to him (I like to think Connor was next to the printer and saw the letter and was like ‘hey it’s the kid I pushed’ and then goes to talk to evan)
Evan thinks that if connor doesn’t see his letter he won’t kill himself (It’s Not that simple Evan)
I like the idea of Evan fucking up @ the library. He says something that makes COnnor mad ANd he freaks out cause Connors ghost is back and he’s watching him. SO evan just stops talking and walks over to the library window and opens it
Connor is pissed that Hansen just ignored him but he’s also confused like wtf??? Is??? This?? Kid??? Doing????
Evan tries to jump out but COnnor is like “oh shit is this kid trying to jump” and grabs him.
Evan is panicking he can’t breathe and he can see connors ghost which means connors gonna die because Evan can’t stop being a fucking mess and help him. He can’t even jump back.
Connor is kinda freaked out, he doesn’t know what to do SO he’s like FUcking BreathE (He’s agitated and snappy but he’s not gonna leave this kid alone)
They Become friends and Connors Ghost leaves (For now…)
They start a really weird friendship, Evan is happy??. Connor isn’t perfect and he’s nothing like Evan thought he would be. He’s not a monster he just has problems (Evan relates)
Evan realizes that he likes this Connor, even prefers him to his made up Connor. This Connor is real
Evan Hates going to the Murphys, it makes him panic, all he can think about is their broken expressions when he told them the truth (Lmao I pretended to be friends with your dead son)
Connor doesn’t care he hates his family
Evan starts to see that the Murphys aren’t a perfect family and there’s a reason why Connor killed himself (in the original timeline)
Evan still likes Zoe, but it’s a very strange relationship. He had his chance and he ruined it and he does try to get close to her but every time he makes progress all he can think is “you took advantage of her and tricked her you’re the worst she’ll never like you and you don’t deserve her” SO his feelings for Zoe definitely turn sour. He tries to avoid her as much as he can, he still longs for her but he knows he can never be with her
Evan is ridiculously nice to Jared and Alana to try and make up for what he did (in the original timeline)
Jared is a dick, Evan is chill and laughs
He goes out of his way to make Jared feel good about himself, all the compliments (which isn’t helping Jared’s ego but whatever)
He’s nice and respectful to Alana and offers to help her whenever he can
HE’s especially nice to Connor, he feels so guilty about exploiting his death
Evan will just talk to Connor and make Connor talk to him about stuff he likes for hours
He just wants to get to know the real Connor
The more he learns the more he likes Connor (It makes him feel really regretful for never trying to befriend Connor in the original timeline)
COnnor loves reading (especially fantasy), he owns so many books!!!!! It’s like a mini library
Connor hates sports with a passion. “I will not fucking run Hansen”
To Evans disappointment, Connor doesn’t LoVE trees. (The only plant he likes is WEED- jared)
Connor loves those weird edgy foreign films (He makes fun of them) Evan doesn’t understand them????? Why are we watching a film about a red balloon flying around, what’s the point????? Connor just laughs.
Connor has that self-deprecating humor that makes Evan uncomfortable
They bond over superheroes and shitty dads
Evan, connor, jared and Alana become friends?????? Evan isn’t sure but he feels pretty okay about life??. He still has anxiety, but now he has people to support him and he feels like everything is going to be okay.
Sometimes he forgets that this isn’t how is life has always been
He has bad days where he can’t talk to anyone because he feels so guilty and he won’t leave his room
Evan is too busy trying to make up for his past to notice that connor is not Okay. Connor is overwhelmed, he’s not used to positive things and he’s totally convinced that everyone is just pretending to be his friend so they can make a fool out of him.
COnnor really likes his new friends, but he won’t admit it, he Doesn’t Want To
He likes Evan and he hates it (he knows Evan likes?? His sister)
Connor gets into a pretty nasty fight with his parents (His dad doesn’t want him to get therapy or get on medication) Connor is so tired of feeling like shit
He goes over to Evans and rummages through his things and finds Evans medication
Evan is too busy talking to Alana or Jared (maybe both) to notice Connor acting strangely.
Connor goes out to some park, gets high and ODs
As soon as Evan notices Connors Ghost he freezes and stops breathing. He needs to find Connor RIght Now (He does, but it’s too late)
There’s no note
He cries a lot. He liked COnnor so much, and now he’s dead again
Connor dying is kinda taking a huge toll on Evans mental health
Watching your friend die over and over again is not good for the mental state lmao
Evan failed
He doesn’t try going back in time. He gives himself a moment to think and really mourn Connors death (He’s so scared he’s going to fail again and he can’t deal with the pressure)
He locks himself in his room
All of his friends are worried but evan can’t deal with anyone right now, the only person with him is Connors ghost (he doesn’t say much to evan, just sits around and makes sure he’s eating and not hurting himself)
He finally gets his cast off and sees the tattoo, he freaks out, when the hell did he get a tattoo???!! (his mom is going to be so mad)
Connors ghost finally explains that evan has a set amount of times to go back and once it’s at zero he’ll never be able to go back.
The number on his wrist is 03
He has three chances to save Connor
THis time Evan needs to go back to before all of this started: he needs to convince Connor’s dad to get Connor help. He needs to save Connor because he cares so much about that boy
SO Evan goes back to the tree where he broke his arm and climbs as high as he can get (he hates it so much, his hands are shaky and his breathing is irregular.)
He fucking jumps
Part 1 deh-the-girl-who-leapt
#DEH#Dear evan hansen#deh au#DEH fanifc idea#DEH time travel#Evan hansen#COnnor murphy#Angst? I think#Part two of this dumb au#tree bros#Tree bros time travel#Maybe ill turn this into a fic?#the girl who leapt through time
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bye 2017, hey 2018
I feel like I always get around to writing an end of the year post on tumblr even if i never really even get to use this site during the year.
well I guess it’s that time of the year (or new year I should say) where I try and look back as well as look forward.
let’s see what happened in 2017...
- let’s say, for one, ‘Murica as a whole kinda went through a lot of bullshit (still is honestly) - we’re getting rid of DACA, the tax cut bill was passed (holla @ the rich 10% and say bye to the other 90%), we’re slowly trying to get rid of/fuck up the EPA despite climate change being very real (if category 4-5 hurricanes occurring back to back is what we’d call “real”), and ya know just the firing of members of the HIV/AIDS awareness and prevention council in the government - to name a few (not to mention, continued police brutality, racial discrimination/injustice (tbh just racism as a whole), and dumb ass fucking people who - ugh
well, moving on to maybe more lighthearted moments...
- I tried to infiltrate the Asian community a little more with (mixed, mostly unsuccessful) efforts. Idk man I tried. I think I did make stronger relationships with the Asian friends I started out with so, I think that’s definitely a major plus. (*insert thumbs up here*)
- also, kinda along with that one, I think I dived into more adventurous food/hangout spots in terms of finding kinda Asian hubs and places I vibe with (an accomplishment of last year too that I think worked and flourished even more in 2017).
- Kind of cooled down with the whole going out scene. I still go out occasionally and have a pretty good time but it’s definitely dwindled down. We definitely started the year going out more but like I said, definitely calmed down a lot.
- Went to my first Terp Thon FTK! Started my TTPT journey with the 1 million dollar year - pretty crazy and amazing. It was truly and unreal experience for all those kids and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Super sad I won’t be there for Terp Thon 2018 though.
- oh! successfully (kinda) resurrected my GPA from a sad 2.7 (result of getting a 1.7 from failing calc2 and getting a D in bio) to a nice and solid 3.23 which I am tbh very proud of. A 3.8 and 3.88 (technically straight As - woo hooooo) these last two semesters - yay! Just also improving in school as a whole. I’m really starting to enjoy what I’m doing. yeah, spring ‘17 sem was more chill and fall ‘17 sem was more like hell but, overall I’m pretty excited about the work and studies I get to do. (like hell as in 3 2900-3200-word papers in the span of like 2 weeks)
- Another academic thing, I added Art History (officially) as a Double Major which probably means a winter term here or there but still very exciting. I also feel like I’ve really learned a lot about the fundamentals of art history that I really felt like I was missing this whole time. Just like the basic timeline of movements and key artists from Burgundian Netherlands to Venice to Rococo to Realism to Cubism (and all its various forms) to Der Blauer Reiter to Contemporary and everything in between. All cool stuff - definitely makes you pay attention more to dates and stuff when visiting galleries and museums and just makes me feel more in the know if nothing else.
- Again, another academic thing, I’m officially in the English Honors Program - woo hoo! This does, however, mean I’ll be writing a 25-page thesis but honestly it’ll be fine, I’m fine, it’s all fine... I mean I don’t really know what I’m gonna write about and I have to skype my professor for like 2 months in the summer but hey, it’s all good and if it’s not I’ll just figure it out (*insert nervous sheepish grin here*)
- Kind of started the process of cutting off 아빠 which take that with a grain of salt. It’s a mess tbh, I don’t even know what to say honestly.
- Finally left Slaveway for good. It really tbh started becoming too much of a risk and just uncomfortable for me to stay. Not an awful job (despite the shit customers a lot of the time) but I just couldn’t stay longer.
- I feel like there was also definitely a more solidifying of sustained relationships and a distancing in others. I don’t know definitely still a lot just up in the air and a lot of familiar faces but a lot of new things and stronger bonds in 2017.
(now, post looking at my snapchat memories from the year and realizing how much shit I did this year... lol)
- I went to 2 concerts (kinda); one being 2 Chainz and all of the many acts that came before him at Art Attack 2017 and the other being Khalid’s bomb American Teen Tour concert at the Filmore that I initially just went to because Sam wanted to go and Anh had an extra ticket that ended up being real lit.
- Had like a little fame after writing an Odyssey Online article about Moco which was kinda cool and kinda ridiculous lol. I also just stopped writing for them all together after like less than one sem rip.
- Also realizing I went to a lot of really cool exhibits and art-related things this past year which I’m really happy about actually. Yayoi Kusama’s exhibit was crazy amazing and well worth the wait. Artec house was really cool and just visiting the NGA, the PMA, the Hirshorn, the Freer/Sackler with a fresh and more knowledgeable outlook was really nice. Also starting those solo museum trips during the sem was really nice no matter how short-lived they were.
Honestly this year was very different from 2016 in many many ways. I think there’s been a lot more growth in this past year but I and the community around me definitely went through a lot.
- Something I realized this past year in unfortunate circumstances, was the prevalence of loss and losing individuals close to your community. I never thought things like death, loss, grief, and suicide were things that I would ever come across (let alone, this often) at this age. We really did lose a lot of young lives that were filled with so much potential and hope this past year especially in this community, including an old classmate. Things that we always thought to be intangible and far away landed right in front of us and I don’t think a lot of us including myself still know how to grasp all of that. It’s hard to see the people around you, the ones you grew up with and always had by your side whether you knew them well or not, lead such a tragic fate. This year made us think about mental health more and more. You realize in the most unfortunate circumstances that everyone has there own demons that they’re fighting. No one is free from them. Even in regards to Jonghyun, it affects everyone in the darkest of ways.
This past year really made me think more about how fragile life truly is. I’ve dealt with and still deal with my own demons and the dark thoughts of my past and truly wonder especially in light of all the tragic events from this past year, what things would be like. It would be a lie if I said that they didn’t make me wonder about past thoughts of my own more.
I think it’s sad to think that even as I wonder about all this, I still feel empty about it in the midst of being unable to process it all. I feel like in a way, whether as a result from school distracting me and my own self protecting or shielding itself, I’ve grown numb. I feel like my own mind is trying to avoid emotions at all cost in a way that’s pushing away emotion and problems by just not dealing with them (which by no means is the right way to deal with things at all bc you’re not dealing with anything). I don’t know, I guess I’m getting by and I’m not as broody as I was in the past but I wouldn’t say I’ve improved, I’ve just kind of paused in a way I guess.
I want to end this post with a brighter look toward the future though. I think 2018 has a lot of potential waiting to happen with lots of things to look forward to that I think should be highlighted in this post. After all, a new year means moving forward, not burying your past necessarily but, using the past to cast light on the future.
So with that, things to look forward to in 2018...
- First things first, STUDY ABROAD IN ROME for Spring ‘18 sem! I mean it doesn’t get more exciting and new than this honestly. Yes, I am super stressed and there’s so much stuff to do besides the fact that I’m paranoid and don’t know what to expect at all. I’ve never traveled abroad in my life, let alone lived away from home (ever) so this is just gonna be absolutely nuts tbh. I have lots of hopes though. Do I want a fairytale, movie-like experience? Lowkey, of course. But I also try to be a harsh realist when I can so, we’re staying generally tame about our study abroad fantasies lol. Still, I’m hoping this will be a chance to make new friends and hopefully make some of them in my art history classes as well as in the school in general. It’s been a hard few years in the whole making friends department seeing as how all my past roommates are very antisocial. Yes, I myself am also very much like this but that doesn’t mean my internal self doesn’t want a lot of friends lol. I’m excited to take a class with Evelyn and just experience the city while hopefully staying safe and smart. It’ll be a crazy and hopefully amazing semester with a lot of travel and just a lot of fun before my senior year. I could go on and on about all my thoughts and hopes for this coming semester but, I’ll just leave it at that (your girl really needs to sort her life out/figure out what to pack/pack/schedule the rest of my home excursions/get her documents together/everything else. Bottom line: we’re a mess lol.
- Hopefully a summer internship. Forreal forreal like actually. Your girl was stuck at safeway again this past year and we’re not having that shit again. Nope nuh-uh, not happening. Not this year mm mm, no. We’re gonna find one. We have to - it’s gonna happen. Trust and believe. Trust and believe!
- Also turning 21 this year (although, this probs won’t be exciting seeing as how I’ll be legal all semester while I’m abroad, then come home and be nonlegal for another like 2 months and then be legal again). Look, I’m just looking forward to getting mimosas and going to bars without memorizing random identity information from Illinois.
- Also 2018 is really gonna be a year for me to REALLY think about me. In all contexts, really. Academically; figuring out what it is I really want from my education and working toward making the most out of it, finding a real path for myself in terms of grad school and other things school-related. Lifewise; gauging how I’m going to continue my life. Graduation is coming faster than I can think and by this time next year, I’ll be gearing up for my last semester as an undergrad. That is so wild. 2018 is really gonna be me trying to buckle down, I suppose. Trying to cloud out my peers and their success/failures/paths and really try to hone in on myself. It’ll be a challenge but we’ve got to start somewhere, right?
All in all a lot was thrown onto the table in 2017 in a lot of different ways. It’s been a different kind of roller-coaster with much much more to come after this year (my favorite number year really, 2017). 2018 will be a test of time and one of the biggest challenges but, also hopefully a year with a lot of hope and potential for success. Wishing everyone the brightest new year with health, opportunities, growth, and burgeoning happiness! Cheers to all 2018 has to offer all of us and to all the things 2017 gave us!
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Okay so, I feel bad like I’m withholding information... I have a lot of insecurities about non-monogamy/poly and I’ve never explained this to you. I just keep noticing a reoccurring anxiety is what if I just can’t do non-monogamy and the negative thoughts and anxieties never fade away? How long am I willing to feel uncomfortable about this? What is my own limit for trying to see if this will work?
[[I have a history of not stating my own boundaries, wants, and needs, in a relationship out of fear of the other person realizing we aren’t compatible and leaving me. I would rather endure a relationship I only kinda am into then be single. I hate the idea of being single. Which is also why i never break up with the other person.
I feel like I date people to prove something to myself... although with the person im with now I think it’s the least like that, I genuinely believe they are a mostly healthy influence, aside from the heavy drinking, in my life. (wait, i kind of am with them to prove i’m not just a fukboi, and also in the beginning i was really trying because i don’t o*** for them and i felt bitter at the idea of this not working out and i dropped my fuk buddy 4 this... but i have ended up catching feelings for them..) Like, it’s been so long I can admit I only was with o**** because I was insecure that with the fact that I hadn’t been in a relationship since I was 18. I felt very ashamed that I had only 1 relationship and it was toxic and that was the only person I had had sex with and been in a romantic relationship with. I felt like that in itself was evidence that I am not worthy of love and am hard to love and will be alone forever. That’s definitely a big part as to why I rushed into dating O***. I desperately wanted to be able to say I’ve had a recent relationship. I felt so ashamed to say yeah my last relationship was 5 years ago. I felt like that was evidence that I am not easy to date, i have always carried that knowledge as though it were proof that I’m broken and you probably shouldn’t even try dating me... when it doesn’t necessarily mean that. I live in a smaller city for 1. And I do believe I needed to work on myself to a degree but I’m not broken and unlovable and at a point of no return. Also that person really messed up my self-esteem so I wasn’t ready to date again for a while and that is okay and normal after your first break up. I just have always felt like I should be experiencing more in my love life at the age that I am--- and tbh says who? the colonizer heteronormative agenda? Cuz we all know queer ppl come out at different times and our timelines aren’t the same for what is considered normal... ]]
tbh I have had a history of jealousy and just issues with non-monogamy/poly since I started dating. So, my first relationship that was really bad and emotionally abusive,,, they later admitted to me that they were trying to be extra mean to me near the end to get me to break up with them and part of that extra mean routine was them asking if we could be poly and have the relationship be open... they later admitted to me and said they honestly only suggested that because they thought it would push me to end it... but i didn’t.... there was nothing they could do or say to get me to break up with them... i was already enduring emotional abuse.. I just was naive and set on the idea that we were gonna be together forever no matter what.... anyways, that first relationship started my first issues with being poly.. i was desperately convinced for so many years that I would end up back with this abusive person... we used to talk about trying it again... we were lowkey on and off for years... whenever they’d come back to dayton I would sleep with them and desperately wish and hope they’d take me back/even wanted me back... while they were poly and the main issue and excuse as to why we couldn’t be together was that I had issues with them being poly and so if i could just change and be more open minded then we could be together forever which is what my naive brain wanted more than anything.... during those years we were off and on i would creep on their social media and see all the different ppl they dated over the like 4-5 years i was still chasing them hoping we’d be back together... i would compare myself to the other people they were dating and just feel like they were my enemy... they were the reason why this person wasn’t in love with me and back with me... (which obviously now i can see none of this was true, but i was mentally and emotionally stuck on this person from ages like 18 until like now....I still very much so carry a lot of these mentalities) but I just had a very unhealthy POV of the other ppl they were with.. I directed my frustrations towards them when really that person just didn’t love me and i don’t believe they ever did love me... anyways... Ugh I also remember when I would hang with them whenever they’d talk about who ever their partner was at the time it would make me feel so insecure and ruin my fantasy that they were interested in me still or wanted me back... omg typing all of this out.. i can’t believe i did this for years... this is so sad.... I also remember further hating myself when comparing myself to the fact that they had dated countless ppl after me, they basically left me cuz they were into some trans dude, and seeing them on social media go through partner after partner i would constantly compare myself to them and think, how come they’ve had so many partners since we broke up and i’ve literally had none... this was something that ate away at me for years, this was evidence that i suck, im the problem, im not lovable... and it’s def why i was eager to jump into a relationship last year because it was the first time there had been mutual interest in dating since i was 18 and i was 23 and felt so ashamed that i hadn’t even come close to dating anyone since my first relationship....
Then that person I dated was poly too and I wasn’t very honest with them and acted like I was cool with it and then once they said they were going on a date with someone it was clear i was having anxiety panics about it and wasn’t okay with it... I did not do a good job at communicating why I wasn’t okay with it though. That whole relationship had poor communication...
It’s like I understand on paper how non-monogamy makes sense. I understand that people can be in love with multiple people at the same time. But it’s like my emotions, anxieties, and insecurities don’t understand...
I also just am worried like what if I’m just not good at non-monogamy? it’s not like I just naturally one day was like.. ya know what monogamy is stupid and I prefer non-monogamy! ... It was more like, I feel broken and hard to love and like I’m not good enough for anyone... and every single person i have a crush on is non-monogamous ... so .. i guess i’m non-monogam-ish ...cuz i don’t want to be alone... i guess it’s just like I feel so hard to love i wanna prove to myself I can be in a healthy relationship... which I believe I can and I deserve one... I just do not know if non-monogamy is what a healthy relationship for me looks like. I don’t want to be non-monogamist because I don’t want to be alone... that’s just sad....
[[I just have no interest in dating anyone else rn and I think it’s hard for me to understand that you do. I think that’s a big thing. But like, if i was in your shoes and someone i was friends with, like if my one hot friend said they have a crush on me i would be like hell yea let’s see if this can work... it’s like i know if i were in your shoes I would do the same... ]]
it just sucks, my brain will not stop suggesting that you dating someone else means i’m not good enough.
Anytime I even think about the fact you are dating someone else it gives me a lot of anxiety and i quickly try to think about something else and it’s just like... ugh that’s not a good feeling. I get so triggered and feel like i’m lesser than.
I know these thoughts and feelings are just based off my past experiences... but I just have this fear of like what if I’m just not non-monogamous... l’ve never dated someone that was monogamous and I hate the idea that I’m just choosing this to please the other person because that is what i am doing right now at least...
[[I feel like when I move to a bigger city being non-monogamous would make more since to me maybe... idk .. i haven’t had many relationships... i’ve never been dating someone and wanted to be with someone else... i feel like i can be very comfortable with just 1 person and i don’t need more... but i understand the idea of something falling into your lap and wanting to explore it... ]]
I think I could be non-monogamous, we just need to talk about so much more and I always feel anxious thinking about you dating someone else because I have not shared with you my past consistent issues with non-monogamy and i’m not sure how you’ll react...
From my last email you acknowledged you assumed I was fine with non-monogamy and you should’ve opened up a conversation-- and i agree i wish that would’ve happened-- and i guess this is me trying to open up this conversation because this stresses me out most days and I need this conversation to be open.. I just feel so insecure and my anxiety is awful and i feel like everyone knows im insecure about this and it’s fucking with me
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