#idk. all i do is dwell

[puppyeared]

i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand

#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona #its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around #one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them #making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth #i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since #memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an #association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont #fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell #on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one #dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong #despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them #interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing #i struggle find a balance between those two things #actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of #her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard #or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it?? #maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard #although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh #yapping #oc talk #oc

[icewindandboringhorror]

There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz #ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and #then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc. #Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific #cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or #etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as #you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on #accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have #as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence #of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate #versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a #neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest #ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling #and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for #documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like #sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I #can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If #I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my #ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ?? #Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be #accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor #focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it #were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan #that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is #some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my #kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means #i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m #in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in #one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability #& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER

[twilightarcade]

I HATE finding beauty in the mundane is there a way to turn this off or something. I will be sitting there living like wow guys are you seeing this shit. The sky is blue. Yeah I know it's always blue. Isn't it pretty though? Come look at this cool Crack in the sidewalk. I think it's new.

#wordstag #ddude sometimes the way the light falls on stuff is so pretty. Like literally nothing special it will just be sitting there. #most radiant discarded can on planet eartg. also pencils ill never get over pencils they're so nuts have you seen one of those #like the way they mmark on paper in such like a distinctive way. It's so magical is anyone else se eing this #fabric is crazy too there's just folds in there! I bet you don't wven care about the Folds #don't eve n get me started on animald those are so crazy.... people r just out here existing w all this other stuff going on #how Do They Do It? How do they not dwell on how a certain tree swayed in the breeze? Wish to capture the insignificant? #idk maybe i'm just screwed . Perhaps it's entirely over for me. Perhaps I'm terribly romantic. #tthere is a little beauty in everything i think thoug. God forbid I call oil spills beautiful but even those are iridescent

[tchaikovskaya]

🫠

#like ok I know I’m being self centered and borderline self obsessive and narcissistic for taking so much time to dwell on this but #what is it about ME that makes people so crazy like I know of other accts w more followers than I have and afaik theirs aren’t as rab #*rabid as mine are lmfaooooooo #like I know that so many of you are so incredibly kind and so lovely and honestly that’s why I’m still here #but there is just a very tiny but extremely loud minority who are vicious and fucking relentless #I won’t go into detail but yeah it even bleeds into my life irl and them making a point to intimidate me #in the real physical 3D world not online like my daily actual life #and I just don’t know what it is like idk why idk what it is that I do or have done #(not to be problématique but) it’s not even like I post thirst traps or pics of myself at ALL #IIRC I haven’t for like over 4 yrs now lmao. it’s not an issue of me intentionally drawing attn it’s just me Existing on here??? #idk I just am so upset by it if I think too hard about it. idk.

[kyouka-supremacy]

Screaming, crying, thrashing on the floor at Atsushi's bewilderment and disbelief he's precious to Akutagawa, the one guy he's supposed to hate because Akutagawa was horrible to Kyouka and it seemed like that wouldn't change but that black and white mentality that people are only bad or only good is starting to crack. And now Atsushi's chasing after Akutagawa in hopes to wake that small silver of a heart he saw in Ryuu, a reverse of the situation they had been. Their relationship is changing. Their dynamic is shifting to a sense of mutual trust and I'm just, please please please please don't give them a bad ending Asagiri please--

I KNOWWWW like Akutagawa's sacrifice being the push Atsushi needed to overcome his prejudices at last was something I always liked to dwell on but never would have dared to hope would have actually happened in canon. But now thanks to the last chapter it's become a real possibility, and I still can't believe it!!!!! If anything Atsushi being so immediate to believe Akuatagawa wouldn't hurt him is. Wow. Greatest character development in history like can you believe it??? Look at where they started look at where they are!!!!!! I'm staining the chapter with the tears falling from my eyes. The “sskk endless angst because Atsushi is going to see anything in Akutagawa beyond a ruthless monster” era is officially over love is real and it's stored in the way Atsushi says “Akutagawa! It's me! Can't you tell!”. Just–

#Idk it's not like. I don't have a good time dwelling on the profound tragedy of Akutagawa's love being forever unrequited– #I very evidently do lol #But for sskk to have their happy ending... That's a sweet concept I'm not afraid to get accustomed to 🥺🥺 #All the sskk fic became real with this last chapter fr fr #atsushi nakajima #ryūnosuke akutagawa #sskk #shin soukoku #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd ch 88 #bsd ch 84-88 #bsd ch 107 #people asks me stuff

[anon-unofficial]

hey so. um. i was told that lmk didn't have any pain. and. haha. haha. haHa...what the f

#🅰️non talks #lego monkie kid #*glares at ceres* I TRUSTED YOU #/silly #gOOOOOOOOD MK YOU SILLY TRAUMATIZED BOY #HUGGING YOU AND SQUISHING YOU AND CODDLING YOU IN MY HEAD AS I AM TYPING THIS #(i also hope that there is more to it where that came from cuz im on s2ep9 rn and i want to really DWELL on the sadness and angst potential #(cuz from what i'm seeing in the main earlier episodes (I AM NOT COMPLAINING WHATSOEVER I DO KNOW THAT THIS IS STILL A KID'S SHOW)) #(forgiveness is very easy to come by in the main cast) #(i wanna explore trying to give them more negative aspects like holding grudges (either visible or invisible) and showing remnants of ptsd #from earlier encounters) #(just idk man I HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH GIVING EVERYTHING JUST A PINCH OF REALISM OK???? angst is my lifeblood you all should know that /lh) #edit: ok i just reread their response to my ask and turns out i accidentally left out the part where they told me there IS pain #oh #ahem #ahem... #edit2: I AM AN IDIOT. I FORGOT TO SEPARATE THIS EARLIER BUT PTSD IS **NOT** A NEGATIVE ASPECT AND I AM SO SORRY FOR MAKING IT OUT TO BE ONE #PTSD IS VALID AND THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE PTSD DESERVE TO FEEL SAFE AND HAPPY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES #FUCK YOU IF YOU DON'T THINK THE SAME OK BYE

[llycaons]

im finally feeling awake now so @pharahsgf this is the post I was talking about

foolish. reductive. immature. disrespectful. willfully ignorant. WRONG

#I have had this person blocked ever since they said they were into xi//cheng #but I wish I could block them again just for this. it's so stupid and indicitive of all the most annoying misconceptions #first of all pretending that jc and wwx are still at the same emotional and social and moral level postres #when jc not changing/remaining static is one of THE most important part of his charact #and wwx changing and developing and growing up is so significant esp postres when he's wiser and quieter and more mature #even in the flashback arcs he doesn't dwell on his torture of the wens he doesn't 'love it' he doesn't brag about it #he doesn't ever WANT to do it again he clearly just wants to put it behind him #he's done bad things in the past and he wants ppl like xy to pay but that doesn't mean he endorses torture #AND it brings in the fiction that wwx is or needs to be protective of jc when postres he's the one who needs protection FROM jc #like yeah im sure after the verbal assaults and the triggering of his phobia and the physical attacks #he's just rushing to throw himself in front of jc to protect him from dcs #it just plays into jc stans' misconceptions that wwx is happy to sacrifice everything for jc and always will and therefore SHOULD #because ohh everything is about jc and everyone loves him. literally not true to any version of canon #I don't even think the torture dungeon has enough evidence to really consider in the novel and its not even mentioned in the show #but his unilateral violence towards people he suspects of being DCs is visible in literally the second episode #and idk why wwx would just start to 'love' that violence and aggression when it was once pointed at him #especially when he has the option to instead spend time with people who have never tortured anyone suspected of doing some vague bad thing #okay I'm done! I'm done. this got me soo mad though what a stupid fucking post #cql txp

[tariah23]

They’re calling my baby Gojo, Joseph Joestar now

#rambling #the diff is that Gojo did apologize after being called out and face to face with his racism whilst Joseph literally befriended nazi’s 😵‍💫 #and there was never any explanation from araki as to why he’d even wrote German soldiers in the shit in the first place like that was #absolutely jarring as hell to read for the very first time back when I’d gotten into jjba #well I watched it first but you know #like Joseph really thought fondly of Stroheim as this stand up guy even though he’s first of all #a Nazi #and second #the first scene that we were introduced to was of him sexually harassing a Woman #it’s……. 🗿 #still to this day I wonder if araki had ever addressed this because lord #Joseph was just happy to get the help I guess but that felt so ooc for him from what he’d seen 🗣️ #happily receiving the help of a Nazi and calling them a nice guy ahhh Joseph- #Gojo would never sjjsaj #my boo boo is a little prejudice but he’s working on it 🗣️ #I still think that gege was trying to have a ‘racism is bad’ moment but again #the execution was pretty awkward and it felt out of place considering what had been currently going down in the manga #like the Racism was pretty random but it was swiftly put to a stop which I can appreciate even if it shouldn’t have been a point of #conversation to begin with since why couldn’t Miguel just exist as a character instead of him being the now token negro #who everyone sees as instantly more frighteningly powerful than everyone else like this didn’t even need to be brought up wllssldk #idk gege was trying to be ‘woke’ 😭. sorry nbs and wp ruined the term for me but like basically lol #gojo’s pretty intelligent and extremely gifted but he’s never been perfect lol #it’s just that idk why gege chose to talk about antiblackness in Japan out of nowhere about the only black character on screen hehhhhhh #like gege tried but lmfao #this is so funny to me #at least it didn’t drag on putting Miguel in an even more awkward situation than he already was and it was nipped in the bud quickly #Gojo isn’t one to dwell on things but when he’s face with new information and is taught something he does try to reflect and do better and #I’m sure he probably started to become even more aware of what he’s saying especially when talking to Miguel in an honest way since that’s #always been the kind of character who he was despite the horrors #the only ppl who’ve been kinda annoying about this are nbs and white people as always 🗿

[spiritofjustice]

a bit i liked.

#psy's no punctuation posts #SOBR tag #this was just from a short summary bit of what Beau had been up to for a month or so #cause kinda need to do a timeskip so things don't feel all pakced together #i don't dwell long on his time with Luis's family bcs it's so short-lived but i like these short character studies #Luna and Topsannah are really interesting to me #Topsannah still her temp name cause idk .... #Topsannah is the first person to call it as she sees it with Beau #which is to say she's the first person to actually SAY 'there is something wrong with this man' #i might wind up going back and expanding this portion but for now it just existed to explain that Topsannah clocked him

[xamaxenta]

Thinking about someone i blocked that bothered me for about two monthsish last year bc they kept messsging me underhanded or backhanded comments abt literally anything i did on this site, specifically they liked to attack my lack of understanding of the basics of art and that i clearly didnt study the classics enough (??? What are those? This is subjective?) and i wonder if they’re happier this year i gotta commend them for not doing this behind anon, ballsy tbh but unwarranted

#xam ponders #new tag for meaningless stuff thats not edgy like xam scream or whatever #that person was . odd #im not in any of this art hobby to study shit #i look consume learn like that apply it next time if i remember #they tried to pass it off as constructive criticism but the thing is is i never asked for any i know im not amazing at this but i do #want to have fun #idk that interaction definitely. fucked with me mentally for a while and now i feel safe enough to just unload it a bit #bc this place is my unhealthy venting dumping ground #block xam scream or xam ponders if u dont wanna see me complaining all the time ha #im sleepy but i just thought about this and how i felt abt it back then vs now #sucks that it left such a impact i do this for free and the stuff i do sell i will always try go bring my a game #foolish to dwell on negative comments? yes probably but its never easy to forget negative comments yknow

[arzner]

It's Pride this weekend (I don't know why but it's always in August here) and I've skipped every event so far, but I'm still debating about going to the parade. I just am not feeling it... Every year I get more and more irritated about the whole situation and how it's been increasingly catering to everyone but gay people (and at the expense of us), but I've always still gone to at least the parade and maybe another event. It feels really sad to skip it entirely tbh because I've gone every year (aside from the one year it was canceled because of COVID) since I was in high school, but it's just deeply disappointing to see what it has become...and I've been feeling that so acutely lately :(

#I'd forced myself to stop dwelling on this sort of thing for a while #but lately I've been feeling so profoundly sad about how alienated I now feel from all things 'LGBT' as a lesbian #it's such an overwhelmingly dismal feeling #idk now that I've been back in my shitty hometown I do find value in Pride because it's the one time I can be around many gay people #but the bad has started to outweigh the good I guess #sigh

[puppyeared]

what's an anime you've watched (not necessarily loved) but would never recommend to anyone?

i had to think for a bit bc im stupidly easy to please but i guess id have to say.. hanyo no yashahime?? i went into it optimistic, but i just dont think it lives up to the original (although the first opening song is pretty good)

#its supposed to be a sequel/spinoff to inuyasha and it came out around the same time i was watching inuyasha #i stopped watching it cause there was way too much stuff bouncing around and i guess it didnt sit well with me #especially the fact that the protag is the daughter of sesshomaru and rin. who is basically his kid... cmon man..... #and she was like FOURTEEN when she had the twins. AND sesshomaru didnt stick around and just fucked off forever??? #the same sesshomaru who went to hell and back for rin?? who learns to be kind bc of rin??? nah #and they couldnt think of anything else and just made sesshomaru pull a 180 and trap inuyasha and kagome in the black pearl #its.. very confusing... i ended up dropping it at some point so for all i know those plot gaps could have been filled by now #but still... idk. i guess im reluctant to say anything else if someone IS enjoying it in which case you do you #but it just wasnt for me #this question was kinda hard to answer bc i dont really dwell on things i end up disliking. i just walk away lol #i also dont really watch that much anime to begin with so i dont have a lot of material to work with #yapping #ask

[fmab]

insane personal rambling below in the tags. hm. sorry !

#venus.txt #feeling like. okay but a little unstable and like maybe it has to do w how ive been thinking a lot about how #i went thru 2022 only having contact with redacted only twice #and thats good. thats good. but even with only having 2 exchanges that entire year that only lasted a message or 2 is like.. #idk how do you go from being with someone for 5/6 years and being so close. closer than what was healthy #to not knowing them at all anymore #and how are just supposed to not think about it. #i am doing so good and i feel like i never think abt it anymore. or at least i dont dwell on it #but then i think abt it and its like. was there really a single day that has gone by that i havent thought about him #some days it really really really grips me and some days thinking abt the situation is just in passing #but like how do you move on and how do you stop thinking about someone you thought about every day for 6 years straight #ive moved on but i wish i could really really move on #because everything reminds me of it all #i have all these associations and i wish i didnt and some of those have been undone but some are as strong as ever

[realnielsbohr]

I love getting into new media. looking at stuff for the first time is so much fun

#like I love dwelling on my favorite things do not get me wrong #its just like ugh sometimes I wish I could play ace attorney or disco Elysium for the first time #its like when u give a tiger a whole pumpkin #like NEW STIMULUS !!! #this is why having ocs is fun bc I can make new things all the time #also I like when my friends talk abt their ocs bc then they make new things and I am like ohohoho...New Content #idk im rambling but this is basically me saying I need to A) write some more or make new ocs or develop the ones I have more or something #and B) I want to get into some new media #ben talks

[wayward-wren]

Question is it normal to end Christmas with a bad taste in your mouth and spend half of Boxing day on the verge of tears in your 20s? Like is that just part of growing up or am I making a big deal over nothing

#wren rambles #idk man #maybe its cos i still remember the magic of christmas as a kid #more likely its cos i need to shut up and stop being so self centered #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #my parents got all my siblings presents but i didnt get one from them #but like at the same time its just stuff #and i do still get a stocking in the morning which had a pretty big gift in it #so i should just shut up and stop dwelling on it

[carp-esh-ove-lem]

i think me making a dropout/d20/naddpod sideblog is inevitable at this point

#ty xeph my beloved for givin me the final push to get dropout #dam i dont even remember if there was a specific thing u did xD i had been wantin to get it for a while already tbh #anyways i wanna look at naddpod stuff on here so bad but also started from the beginning and ;-; spoilers #lol it’s so weird it’s been YEARS since ive been invested in a fandom/media n cared abt (or even had the opportunity to care abt) spoilers #tbh i usually dont care but even if i did #a lot of the time the content ends up easy to catch up on yknow? limited series & books and stuff n all #or fuckinnnn yt series that u dont need to be caught up from the beginning lol #this however. i do Want to experience the story for realsies n all that #anyways. the sideblog is definitely fuckin happening imma be real #idk when i’ll stop being a coward and *nike voice* just do it #but it’ll happen it is quite literally inevitable. ive gone past the point of no return #i Do need to dwell on a url though. that may take A Bit (read: far too long) #i think i was considering maybe a silly dumb ref to andhera from acofaf #bc that was the first campaign i watched and they are Best Boy. god i fucking love andhera #but also. man idk #ikikik ik u can change urls l8r but this is How I Am *awkward smile* #i Need a silly little ref that Satisfies Me. it doesnt even hafta be a good or recognizable reference (<- historically true) #but it’s gotta be good to Me Personally bc im ~like that~ teehee #anyways screaming crying How will i ever catch up to naddpod #i mean tbf. im at ep 26 for first campaign and it’s been maybe a week? maybe under (or over??) a bit?? #so theoretically it hopefully wont take me more than 2 months to finish bahumia campaign even w school starting factored in #hopefully. idk #d20 shit is gonna take 50 goddamn yrs tho xD im in my naddpod arc rn #and all ive seen is acofaf and most of coffin run. and am keepin up w neverafter ofc #and idk even which intrepid hero campaign to go for next. i was thinkin unsleeping city but like damn i dont even know for sure yet #ALSO i HAVE to watch mice&murder first now. idk if it’s any good but Conceptually im just. oh my god i need to get my grubby lil hands on it #but again. before that im In My Naddpod Arc currently and im like. most of the way thru coffin run. god i’ll finish it i promise #it just didnt Grip me as much as the other stuff ive consumed so far. i dont dislike it tho; it’s cool but brain didnt stick as hard #and im like literally one episode from finishing too. like 20 min of the penultimate and the final one thats it #anyway im evidently fuckin rambling i’ll shut up now