#it’s not difficult and it makes me so mad I am full of anger

[yikes077]

Idk about y’all, but throughout my schooling from second grade to present day in college, I have been taught the idea of “show dont tell”. So I would LOVE to know where other writers and authors missed that lesson.

#I mean did they just not understand??? #why is this happening #who is teaching them this #I’m talking to you new remake of alta #atla #I’m talking to you person who wrote the past several romance novels that my friend has recommended to me #books #the point is you write about how the person does things and their characterization so the audience can see it and you are showing it to us #instead of just telling me what’s happening in words #it’s not difficult and it makes me so mad I am full of anger #someone make this stop oh my god #some of these shows I’m watching are driving me nuts like if I wanted to hear the plot I’d get an audio book I wanted to watch this stuff #tv recommendations #great tv shows #tv shows #anyway #alcohol was consumed in the making of this post

[vickyvicarious]

Jonathan's decision to play along today was very difficult to make. But, in the end, it was the right move. He set aside his anger and impulse to rebel... perhaps as much or more out of fear rather than just logic, but we do see his reasoning and it makes sense.

And honestly, I think he pushed his luck nearly to the limit anyways. Look at how Dracula asked. First, he waited a few days after everything that went down with the vampire ladies, perhaps to see if Jonathan would bring up the topic. If Jonathan does, maybe he had plans to lie to him again, to gaslight him about either never sleeping outside of his room, or about Dracula finding him dreaming somewhere else and helping him back to his own bed. Still, Jonathan's reaction to such a lie could very easily force an end to all this pretending. But since he never brings it up at all, Dracula knows he can continue his game. In fact, Jonathan is proving to be a very resilient player, one who has just enough struggle in him to make it more interesting, without being too unmanageable or ever close to actually get away.

Dracula gives Jonathan this 'request' "in the suavest tones" - he's really emphasizing his charm here, being extra friendly as he tries to make Jonathan feel even worse. But then, contrary to what he's seen thus far, Jonathan hesitates.

I would fain have rebelled, but felt that in the present state of things it would be madness to quarrel openly with the Count whilst I am so absolutely in his power; and to refuse would be to excite his suspicion and to arouse his anger. He knows that I know too much, and that I must not live, lest I be dangerous to him; my only chance is to prolong my opportunities. Something may occur which will give me a chance to escape. I saw in his eyes something of that gathering wrath which was manifest when he hurled that fair woman from him. He explained to me that posts were few and uncertain, and that my writing now would ensure ease of mind to my friends; and he assured me with so much impressiveness that he would countermand the later letters, which would be held over at Bistritz until due time in case chance would admit of my prolonging my stay, that to oppose him would have been to create new suspicion.

I think he must have been sitting there making these arguments to himself in real time. Wrestling with his fear and his outrage and possibly losing most of his control over his expression and body language as he did so. And at first, this is fun for Dracula. He wants Jonathan to struggle like this. It's fun to watch. But then, the longer it goes on, the more real becomes the possibility that this will be Jonathan's breaking point. And if it is, if he outright says "no" even this once, then Dracula's entire game is ruined. He's just committed to wanting to keep Jonathan around for another full month. Jonathan passed the test with the other vampires. Dracula has been looking forward to this. How dare he spoil this -

Dracula's rage rises as he finds himself forces to make excuses and be convincing when he likely assumed he no longer needed to put in that much effort. Jonathan finally does agree, but he didn't do so right away. And it's a very fine line, because continuing to do this does in fact make him more interesting and fun in the long run, and thus perhaps allow him to live longer. Maybe after they separate for the evening (morning, being nocturnal) Dracula would actually look back on this moment with indulgent enjoyment. He pushed perhaps right up to the limit of what Dracula would tolerate, but he didn't quite cross it, so the game can continue. But at the same time, pushing like this (or rather, resisting being pushed before giving in) is extremely dangerous in the moment - because in the moment, there's still a chance Jonathan could cross the line. Dracula has a temper and he will take it out on Jonathan if he decides he's had enough.

It's that tightrope again. More of the same. But I just... love imagining this moment. Dracula's sickly-sweet smugness at the start, his utter confidence in his victory once again. And Jonathan - pausing. Saying nothing in response. Thinking it over, taking so long to do so, trying so hard to keep a neutral face but not fully succeeding, maybe keeping his head bowed so his expression can't be seen. Dracula's anger building along with almost a sort of desperation, as he lays out all this bullshit reasoning, maybe losing control of his own tone somewhat as he gets more aggressively vehement. The absolute tension rising, up and up right until the moment Jonathan looks up and agrees, when it suddenly dissipates. But the aftermath lingers, even in Dracula's victory. Even as Jonathan writes the three letters, one after another under Dracula's watchful eye. Dracula takes them from his hand, squeezes his shoulder in ostensible thanks, but such a clear threat. Jonathan's face twitching, a little spasm of fear and despair, at the contact.

It could be SUCH a good scene in an adaptation that emphasized the abusive dynamic here.

#dracula daily #count dracula #jonathan harker #dracula's version of will-they-won't-they except what's in question is if jonathan will break the pretence

[lincolndjarin]

my way.

pairing : oberyn martell x f!reader

summary : being the prince of dorne can often be a rather stressful job, it's hard to give, and give, and give. sometimes you just need to be on the receiving end for a little while.

warnings, tags, etc : five seconds of plot to build up to a whole lot of porn, pegging (obvi), medieval strap on, glass toys, fingering, oberyn sucks the strap, allusions to other partners, referring to a dildo as a cock, multiple orgasms, overstimulation if you squint, premature ejaculation?? idk he cums fast bc i'm a sucker for that, cum play, reader has brief penis envy idk if that's the term but yeah, spit as lube bc its the olden days or whatever, anal sex, soft & loving sex, sort of a gentle dom vibe from reader, they're married <3 <3 <3, aftercare, i didn't really edit this as much as i should have (i'm sleepy) so apologies in advance

a/n : hello lovelies !!!! i am back from my little break with a little middle aged man pegging!! check out @wannab-urs who put together this entire project for a full masterlist of everyones works soon <3 apologies if i'm a little rusty i'm still getting back into my writing groove :3

dividers by @saradika-graphics

Everything always has to be his way. 

If you didn’t love him so much it would probably irritate you more. And when it does bother you he always does his best to fix it but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. Your sweet prince has always done right by you but he’s never done it your way, and when things don’t go exactly as he wants them to he becomes a real pain. 

You know it isn’t entirely his fault of course. The combination of never being told no and having to make decisions that affect the people of Dorne in real time, often leaves him stressed beyond comprehension. 

Today it seems to be particularly bad as he paces around your shared chambers. You had spent your day reading and baking bread, everything had been perfectly fine until he burst through the door, rambling about a funding dispute he’s been having with his brother for weeks now. You can tell by the glint in his eye that things clearly aren’t going his way, before you get a chance to comfort him he snaps at you. 

“Stop looking at me like that.” It’s a small critique, you have been staring at him waiting for this sort of thing, so you take control of the situation rather quickly. 

“Let me give you a chance to apologize before this becomes a fight.” You cross your arms in front of your chest. He immediately picks up on the annoyance in your voice as his features soften from anger to shame. 

“I’m sorry.” He really means it as he bows his head a bit. “It’s just- It’s been a difficult day.” He makes his way over to you, taking one of your hands, kissing your knuckles. “I’m sorry, my stars.”

“I know, my moon, it’s okay.” You move the hand he holds to his lips, cradling his face briefly as he smiles, to your dismay it doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s still tense. 

“I think I’d go mad if I didn’t get to come home to you each day.” You don’t doubt that. 

“Why don’t you let me help you out a little?” You wrap your arms around him, letting your fingers tangle in the hair at the base of his neck. “Let me take care of you.” You barely speak above a whisper now as his body starts to relax in response to your touch. He walks you towards the bed until the backs of your knees hit the mattress, just as expected he immediately takes control of the situation, barely letting you get another word in as his hands slide down your waist like they’ve done countless times before except this time you catch his wrists before he can get that far. “Can you lay down for me?” The moment you ask the question he raises an eyebrow before complying, moving to sit with his back against the headboard as you go to your nightstand. 

You’ve used the toy a few times before with your other partners but as far as you know Oberyn’s never even seen it. You haven’t made any effort to hide it from him but he’s always so quick to act when it’s just the two of you, he never gives you much of a chance to do anything but take what he gives. No wonder he’s so stressed, he’s never taken a moment to just receive. 

The moment you crawl up the bed to him he’s already back on you. All teeth and hands as he pulls you against him, you have to force yourself to pull away from him though it pains you greatly. 

“Not yet- I want to try something new.” You don’t give him a chance to question as you reach across him to your nightstand. You just had a new toy made, hand blown glass, for this sort of occasion, as you toss it down next to him his eyes squint in confusion before going wide. 

“Where did you get that, my love?” His words drawl a bit, his Dornish accent hangs heavy in the air as you lift your dress over your head, tossing it aside, sitting before him completely bare as you slip into the leather straps, cinching the buckles carefully before taking the toy and holding it in one hand languidly. 

“A glass smith nearby has been more than willing to experiment with his craft for me. Is this something you’re interested in trying?” You can already tell what his answer is going to be based on his expression but you still want to hear him say it. 

“Of course, I’d try anything for you.” He purrs softly as you push him back into the pillows. You lay him back, an action he’s done to you countless times before, tugging at the cords of his robe. Between the two of you, eager to get him undressed, it only takes a moment before the fabric hits the floor. Once he’s as bare as you are you’re able to see just how much the idea thrills him as his red tipped cock slaps against his stomach. 

“Do you think you can relinquish control for just a little while, my prince?” You rake your nails against his chest lightly as he nods. “Good. I don’t want you to worry about a thing, put all your focus on taking what I give you, do you understand?” You stop your hands movement downwards right as you reach the patch of hair on his lower stomach. 

“Absolutely.” He flashes you a toothy grin and you can’t help but respond with one of your own. 

“You will do as I say then. And if I ask something of you that you do not like then you will say stop, is that clear?” You want so badly to take his cock into your hands or mouth but you’re trying to be patient as you pull your hand back. This is for his sake, not yours. 

“Perfectly clear.” His hips twitch upwards a bit, almost taunting your resolve as you press him back down into the mattress. 

“Lovely,” You hum, stroking the glass toy between your fingers before bringing it to his mouth, tapping his lips. “Open.” He complies quickly, parting his lips as you slide the tip of the toy in, reveling in his moans. He looks so… right, like this. Eyes wide and eager as his tongue laps at the cool glass, tracing the ridges, legs spread, and cock twitching in excitement. You can’t help but wonder why you didn’t do this sooner. 

You push the fake cock just a little further past his lips before letting him take hold of it, turning to other matters. 

“Warm that up please, you wouldn’t want it to be cold when I fill you up.” As you murmur those words he groans against the glass. 

Unceremoniously you spit into your hand, giddy with excitement as you nudge his legs a bit further apart. You spread the plush flesh of his ass to notch your digits at his hole, gently pushing just the tip of your pointer finger in, feeling him tighten around you with a gasp. 

“Relax, my love.” You coo, waiting until his muscles release a bit before pushing onward. This isn’t your first time doing this sort of thing of course but it is the first time he’s going to be taking something other than your fingers or tongue, so you work him open slowly. Watching the stress unravel from his body as you work in a second finger, curling and scissoring them as his back arches, cock bobbing against his stomach as his fingers grip the sheets around him. 

When he’s able to take three of your fingers you pull the toy from his mouth with a soft pop, the toy slick with spit and properly warmed easily slips into the designated slot on your harness. He watches with a palpable anticipation as you get yourself situated. When you’re ready you’re kneeling between his legs, glass cock standing proudly against your pelvis. 

“Ready?” You ask as you gently lift his legs, bringing his knees to his chest as he nods, damn near whimpering. 

You push into him, slowly, as you gauge his reaction. Usually he’s all grunts and grumbles during sex but now he’s gasps and whines. His hands clutch the pillows surrounding his head as he tries to push himself further onto the toy but the position you’ve got him in keeps him in place. 

“You want more?” There’s a mocking lilt to your voice as he nods rapidly.

“Yes- please.” He purses his lips as he whimpers and you’re more than happy to oblige, watching the sight before you as his hole swallows your cock, his own dick leaking against his stomach, begging for a release. You adjust your hips a bit, watching his back attempt to arch as you do so. “Th-there.” His voice is strained as you hit that sweet spot inside of him. Ever so gently you pull out before rocking yourself back against it. 

“There? Is that what you want?” You continue to speak in a teasing tone but you truly want to know, this is all for his sake, you want so badly to make him feel good. His cheeks are flushed, warm skin slick with sweat as he continues to nod. You repeat the motion a few more times, caught off guard when he lets out a low whine and you watch as his cock pulses, untouched, as he paints his torso. His breath catches in his throat as he does so. “Oh my, look at the mess you’ve made, and so quickly.” You drag a finger over his heaving chest, scooping up some of his spend to taste, letting the bitter sweetness coat your tongue. “You were more pent up than I thought, my love. I think you still have some stress that needs releasing.” 

“I-I’m sorry.” He stammers, looking a bit embarrassed but you immediately shake your head, leaning forward to kiss his forehead while simultaneously sinking back into him.

“Don’t apologize for feeling good, sunshine. That’s what this is all for.” You bump your nose against his, hoping to reassure him. “Do you think you could give me one more, I just want to make sure I get all the stress out.” You emphasize your words with a small push of his legs tighter against his chest, earning a soft mewl from him. 

“I can do one more.” 

“Wonderful.” You kiss his cheek before picking up the same pace you were at just moments ago. Happily watching his cock jump back to life. You take the opportunity to drag your fingers through the cum cooling on his abdomen, drawing little shapes as he begins to reach that same peak rapidly all over again. You adore the sight of your glass cock sliding in and out of him. He takes you so well, his hole fluttering as he lets you fuck him. You wish you had a real cock just so you could feel him tighten around you but this will have to do. His neglected dick continues to rest against his happy trail, desperate to be touched. This time you help him out, wrapping your hand around his cock, with a few quick pumps he’s coating his stomach in cum all over again.

It’s positively euphoric to see the prince of Dorne like this. 

Just for you. Spread before you without a care in the world, stuffed full of your cock and happy as can be.

You give him a moment to catch his breath before pulling out, peppering his cheeks with kisses before slipping out of the harness and leaving to get him some water as well as something to wipe him up with. 

You gently wipe him down with a warm washcloth, cleaning him while continuing to kiss his face as he yawns. 

“Thank you.” He mumbles, taking your face in his hands, pulling you forward for another kiss. 

“Anytime, we take care of each other, I’m just glad you’re feeling better.” You climb under the blankets with him, tangling your limbs with his as he rests his face in the crook of your neck, clearly exhausted as he falls asleep against you. You feel your own exhaustion hit, smiling to yourself as you close your eyes. You couldn’t be happier that he let you try things your way.

#PMAMC2024 #pmamc 2024 #lincolndjarin #one shot #oberyn martell #prince oberyn #oberyn x reader #oberyn / reader #oberyn martell x reader #pedro pascal fic #oberyn martell fic

[calisources]

THE   ROYAL   TREATMENT.   all   sentences   are   either   taken   from   fantasy   or   fictional   and   historical   novels   about   kings,   queens,   royal   blood   and   some   sparked   romance   and   magic.   change   all   pronouns   and   names,   locations   as   you   see   fit.

“You are enough to drive a saint to madness or a king to his knees.”

“She was a ray of sunshine, a warm summer rain, a bright fire on a cold winter’s day, and now she could be dead because she had tried to save the man she loved.”

“He was a man known for the violence of his temper as well as the deliciousness of his touch.”

“Am I making you nervous, Natalie?”

“Sad it is, the fate of kings.”

“Go to this masquerade ball with your new friends, put on a pretty gown, and dance the night away.”

“Repentance is like a royal cheer.”

“Even the small joys are worth cherishing, and they will lead to greater ones.”

“when you become king shall find many difficult tasks and you shall have to hurt others and yourself.”

“The throne brings trouble and grief along with the glory.”

“Anger is a feeling afforded only by royal blood. Ordinary people ask for mercy in such situations.”

“True leadership is serving others; follow Queen Elizabeth's noble example.”

“Success isn't wealth or status; impact matters.”

“The power of empowerment can change the world, one person at a time.”

“Leadership is service, not a throne to seize.”

“I have in sincerity pledged myself to your service, as so many of you are pledged to mine.”

“Proper training is key, it allows one to accomplish a great deal."

“Oh honey, someday a real man is going to make you see stars and you won't even be looking at the sky."

“Royalty comes with a cost. My great-great-grandfather was one, and he left me no royalty but loyalty to empower people.”

“At all times an empire is more important than emperor and empress, prince and princess.”

“You might have to ask yourself, however right your claim is, if you are the leader the realm needs and wants.”

“You’re Royal. Get used to it and that involves a lot of burdens and things you don’t want to do.”

“I’m in awe of you, Rowan Palotay.”

“Slow down there, princess. How do you know what kind of first impression you gave me?”

“Prayer is a royal power.”

“You forget yourself and who you are speaking of.”

“Anyone young, famous and beautiful who dies young is forever frozen in time and fascinating to all of us.”

“Youths are the life blood of any nation.”

“I am not yet come of age, my lord. How can I be queen?”

“To crown her is to kill her.”

“He didn't marry you to become king. He became king because he wanted to marry you.”

“Little by little, the old world crumbled, and not once did the king imagine that some of the pieces might fall on him.”

“I believe we are what we make ourselves, and as such, you, Crown Princess, are nothing.”

“Rule with the heart of a servant. Serve with the heart of a king.”

“There’s a fine line between gossip and history, when one is talking about kings.”

“We kings do develop a certain ability to recognize objects under our noses.”

“...alone is such a nebulous state when one is queen.”

“I respect you as my king, and I respect you as my father, but I do not respect you as a man!”

“She was made to be a queen, just like her mother.”

Protect Myrcella with your life. Defend her... and her rights. Set a crown upon her head.“”

“You’re my princess, right? You were always going to be my princess, no matter what you were born.”

“For dogs we kings should have lions, and for cats, tigers. The great benefits a crown.”

“This marriage had resulted from impulse.”

“The king is a saint and cannot rule, and his son is a devil and should not.”

“One does not ask if one likes the Blood Royal. They simply are. It is like asking if one likes the Gods.”

“You are a king worthy of their allegiance . . . with a queen full of fire and promise.”

“The idea that how you are born or the name you are given dictate the sort of person you really are.”

“You seem to think that you can still turn back, but it’s too late. You’ll have to face it, Princess. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon enough. And you can’t be this scared when the time comes.”

“Was it worse, she wondered, to be wanted dead or wanted Queen?”

“My royal status is both a shield that protects me and a sword that impales my heart.”

“Respect shouldn't be hereditary; it must be earned.”

“You know, for a pampered princess, you have a certain gift for violence.”

“There is nothing sharper than a well mannered princess’ words.Their true meaning are a mystery.”

“People are born great but yet need to grow into greatness”

“Kings needn’t raise their voices to be heard.”

“She was their witch queen, and they adored her.”

“To be fair, I don't quite see any difference between an assassin and a knight. They both kill people, only one "in the name of Honour '' and the other is just a "monster"

“Crowns belong to those that serve.”

“I have the softness and meekness of a daughter but I also have the boldness and Braveheart of a Son.”

“Will you visit my chambers tonight?”

“A throne won in blood will soon be drenched in it.”

“Even when she's dethroned by hardship, she still wears the sun as a crown.”

“The Princess knew in her heart she is strong, smart, and capable because it is in her blood.”

“There is the matter of succession that has to be settled. You don’t start a reign without settling how it continues.”

“My reign has been anything but traditional. Let’s not start now, shall we?”

“Every girl thinks about growing up in a palace. Few ever ponder living in a cage.”

“Often blessings and burdens comes hand in hand. The bigger the Crown the heavier the burden”

“If stubborness were all that was needed to be a good queen, I'd rule the world.”

“Some girls have a frightening killer instinct. Don't let the ball gowns fool you.”

“You don't turn your back on your destiny.”

#roleplay memes #sentence meme #( cali meme. ) #rp memes #rp prompt #rp musings #roleplay prompt

[xoitadori]

→ ROOMMATES ⸺ sae. i ۵

۵ contains - mature language, smut, physical touch, arguing, roommate!sae, aggressive!sae, AFAB!reader, dom!sae, oral, fluff, fingering, p + v penetration, safe sex!!!, roommates with benefits, slight degrading, perfectionist!sae.

۵ summary - you and sae were roommates. as a woman, sharing a dorm with a man was very difficult for you both, especially when sae would stay up late at night with women on your college campus. it was safe to say he was a playboy, nonetheless, a jerk.

and even so, you both still had sex together. he’d always come back from football games exhausted and in need, so you always let him fuck you.

even though you disliked him, he was good in bed, and somewhat polite. but that was until he came back to your shared dorm with an angry expression.

he lost his first game ever.

you were in for a treat.

a SLAM was heard as sae entered your shared space, throwing his sports bag down onto the bare floor, startling you as you shot up from the couch.

“sae? what happened?” you watched as he slipped his sneakers off with rough ease, looking annoyed to even hear anything out of your mouth right now.

“I lost a game. for the first time, too,” he uttered with a forceful tone, not bothering to look anywhere near you.

“so? you don’t have to be perfect all the time, sae.” you crossed your arms in pure disbelief, confused as to why he was so fucking upset.

he whipped his head around to you, pinkish auburn locs sticking to his sweaty forehead as his eyebrows knitted together. “you don’t get it.” he growled, making his way closer and closer to you.

“what don’t I get? that you’re a silly perfectionist? it’s fine to lose, sae, it doesn’t mean anything-“

“no, not it’s not,” sae abruptly interrupted you, pressing his body into yours as he glared down into your eyes with fire in his own. “I look like an imbecile now. all the people who counted on me, the one who’s always drowning in victory, lost tonight.”

his teal orbs death stared your own as you gritted your teeth, your expression full of nothing but annoyance.

“it’s one loss, it’s not like you won’t win the next one.” you rolled your eyes, wandering away from him, towards your bedroom. he was too much to deal with right now, and it pissed you off.

his skin made contact with yours, hand cupped around your wrist, a sting rushing towards your hand. you hissed in pain as you turned around.

“what the fuck, sae?”

“is that what I am to you? a little bitch who tries to perfect everything he does, huh?”

“what? no, I didn’t mean it like that-“

“sure you didn’t,” his expression changed from pure anger to teasing lust in a split second. “you’ve been so bratty to me lately, and we haven’t fucked in a while. is that it? because I haven’t given you sex?”

you tried to pull back your wrist, but he wouldn’t let go. he caressed the soft skin of your forearm with his thumb, your fingertips resting against the back of his hand.

“that’s what you’re perceiving?” a scoff exited your lips as you frowned in discomfort.

“that’s not an answer,” his face moved closer to yours as he dropped your arm, hands moving to cup your under thighs as he prepared to lift you up. “but I’ll take it as one.” he smirked evilly as he lifted you with ease. your weight in his palms wasn’t as heavy as you’d think. he could lift a ton.

he carried you into his bedroom. you plead to him to let you down so you wouldn’t fall and get hurt, and so he did, with your back on his soft cotton sheets, his body in between your plump legs.

“I don’t wanna fuck right now..” you were having a whole tantrum about having sex with him currently. ugh.

‘he’s sweaty and gross and I’m mad at him. fuckkkk, can’t he just get off of me?’— you thought.

even though part of you wanted to just rip him to complete shreds and yell at him for being such a dickhead, he was right. fuck, he was always right when it came to arguments with the both of you, but this one specifically, he got right on the bullseye.

he made eye contact with you, his hands holding up your thighs against his torso, your breath beginning to mix together.

“do you want me to take you, again? be truthful with me. I’m not gonna touch you if you don’t want me to.” sae licked his lips, yellow moonlight shone through his bedroom window as he laid atop of you, veiny hands digging into your thighs as you squeezed them against his waist.

you could admit. even though he was a dick when he wasn’t inside you, when he was, he was such a gentleman. it was like he was a completely different person, like he showed his true care and vulnerability for you. you respected him for that. he wasn’t a complete asshole.

you gulped, and for a second there was a silence. you wanted to stare into his eyes for just a few more seconds. to see just how much they changed. his teal, rough eyes softened when you looked into them, his pupils dilating with ease as his orbs sank into yours.

you nodded, your hand moving up to his cheek as your soft eyelashes fluttered, licking your lips with your tongue. your hand snaked up to the back of his head, ruffling his curls.

he smiled for a split second before his lips collided into yours, hands moving to rip his jersey off.

both of your eyes shut closed. sae moved his right hand to the bedside table near your head, pulling a magnum from the top drawer.

he was inhaling your lips. it was obvious he missed you, too. tongues rubbing against each other as your saliva mixed, causing a tingle in between your legs. sae moved his knee to your heat, rubbing up and down as he chuckled into your wet and heated kiss.

“yeah, you fucking missed me, huh?” you hit his shoulder as he separated from the kiss with a gentle smirk. you were flushed red as he rubbed your folds through the soft fabric of your shorts and panties with his knee, thighs squeezing against his hips as he pulled the golden condom up to his teeth, ripping it open with his fangs.

you finally ripped his jersey off of him. it was in terrible shape, anyways. it was obvious that he put his whole body into his last game, and you questioned how he had energy to fuck you. you didn’t worry too much about it, though. you were focussing on undressing.

“take your clothes off for me.” he muttered, sae’s voice was muffled by the condom he held between his teeth.

you began to undress in front of him, slipping both your shirt and shorts straight off of you in an instant. he kept your legs up, wanting to see the wet spot that pointed out your heat.

“ah, fuck.” he sighed, moving to take the condom from his teeth. “hold this for me, baby.” he set the condom in your soft palm, a gentle smirk on his face.

“why?” a soft tone came from your mouth as sae’s hands spread open your thighs further, his face moving towards your cunt. you could feel his breath against your pussy, a light chuckle escaping his throat as he pulled your thighs over his shoulder.

a teasing moan left his lips as he used his teeth to move your panties to the side. his hand made contact with your folds, spreading them slightly as he began to lap up your wetness, using his other hand to keep you in place.

“feels good, doesn’t it?” sae’s voice vibrated off of your core, swirling his tongue up and down, stimulating you.

you whined and moved your hips up and down, hands moving to claw into his shoulders as he sucked your soft skin.

he used his right hand to push two of his long, narrow fingers deep inside you. It felt so good. you eyes rolled to the back of your head as your back arched against him. his fingers inside you mixed with his tongue against your nub made you feel like you were on a high. a very, very good high. you couldn’t help but squeeze against his digits as he slid them in and out of you with ease.

“you’re making my cock throb, fuck.” he kissed your clit. he lapped up all that was left. he wanted to keep going like this. making you feel so, so damn good. but he needed to release, somehow and someway.

he pulled his fingers out of you, leaving you feeling empty, nonetheless, a wet mess.

“s-sae.. t-that was really nice..” you stuttered, watching as he nearly ripped his shorts off. he pulled them down, along with his boxers in a short second, his dick bouncing out of his trousers as it stood against him. he grabbed the condom from between your fingers, slicking it onto his member as he pulled you up.

“don’t scream, alright?” he whispered. you nodded, your body hovering on top of his as he set you down on his stiff dick completely.

your eyes widened as pain and pleasure shot through your body. you felt the tip of his cock pressing against your cervix. he looked into your eyes, nodding. “just like that, love.. you got it..”

his hands gripped your bare asscheeks, guiding you up and down his member. he fit perfectly inside your core, like always.

your breathing sped up as he quickened his pace, just ever so slightly. every move felt like he was going faster. you buried your face into his neck, sucking on the skin like a baby. “it hurts, does it?” he chuckled gently, sounds of wet, skin touching filled sae’s bedroom as he penetrated you deep and slow.

“you can take it, can’t you? you always have, what’s different now, hm?” he moved his left hand from your asscheek, cupping your head as he whispered.

you were leaving hickeys all over his neck, but he didn’t mind.

“y/n.. look at me.” he whispered, his hand massaging your rear as he slid in and out of you. “look at me, baby.”

you raised your head as your body moved up and down, eyes teary from the pain you received on his cock. “if you stare into my eyes, it won’t hurt as much, m’kay?” he muttered with a smile.

you kept eye contact with him as he pushed into you, nodding as he whispered sweet nothings. “you’re so good.. good little girl for me.. so beautiful..”

as he whispered, you didn’t realize it, but his pace sped up, and this time, you actually felt good. as moans and whimpers left your soft lips, he slapped your ass with a teethy grin.

“see? I’m proud of you, y/n..” you felt so tight around his dick, he thought it was gonna snap off, but again, he didn’t mind it. it felt good to him and you, so he let you do it.

soon enough, your face scrunched with pleasure. sae’s forehead pressed against yours as he licked your lips, teeth clinging to your plump, bottom lip.

he pulled away for a split second, watching you as you prepared to come undone for him, “coming already, are we?” he teased with a silly tone, feeling your cunt squeeze his cock. his bed banged against the wall by how hard you both were going at it, but sae would deal with the noise complainers later.

“I’m gonna need you to go all out for me. can you do that for me, hm?” sae’s lips made contact with your ear as you bounced up and down on his length, breasts pressing against his chest with each thrust. you nodded eagerly as he pushed you down onto his cock roughly.

“s-sae..”

“cum. on me. for me.”

and with that, you released for him. his member drowned in your fluids that decorated him.

you breathed heavily as you rested against his chest, hands moving to hold him against you. you hadn’t realized it, but he actually came quite a bit ago, into the condom that separated your cunt and his dick, he just wouldn’t have admitted it anyway.

you both sighed as he patted your back, both of you now completely covered in sweat.

“you still mad at me?” he asks.

“no. not at all.”

<3 first smut, hope it was enjoyable. also, my bad for not making any content for a little while, wasn’t feeling up to it 😭

#anime #blue lock #sae itoshi #smut #anime aesthetic #heavy smut #xoitadori #animecore #manga #formaxipad

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

Ahhh sorry I'm a tad blazed one more.one more

You don't have to but I totes wanna share this idea and if you like it I give it to you lol

Aemond/reader, reluctant lovers

Like they hate that they are attracted to each other but he's so addicted to her and she to him song for the inspooooo

Goodness me, your taste in music is something else lmao. There is no way I am listening to Ariana Grande. I Googled the lyrics and could make no sense of them. Is this what it feels like to be old? Do I not understand the music you whippersnappers are listening to anymore? ANYWAY, here's a reluctant lovers fic for you.

Warnings: Smut. Word count: ~1000

Her eyes light up as they settle on the tome she is searching for in the library; Dragons, Wyrms, and Wyverns: Their Unnatural History. She has been visiting the library every day for the last month looking for this book. She is desperate to read it, but it’s never there; he always has it.

Excitement bubbles in her chest as she reaches up for the book, only for the feeling to be replaced by annoyed exasperation as long, nimble fingers beat her to it and grab it before she can.

She sighs, turning to face the tall Targaryen Prince. He is ever the infuriatingly perfect picture of regality as he stands there, a smirk tugging at his full lips. She longs to slap that stupid look off of his face.

“Aemond, I wanted to read that!” She protests.

“I was unaware that you could.” He says flatly.

She rolls her eyes at his obvious insult. “You have read that book already.”

“And I shall read it again.” Aemond replies, his mocking smirk never faltering.

Scoffing, she reaches to take it from him. “You only want it because I do!”

He lifts it from her reach, his right eye narrowing at her. “A bold accusation. What purpose could you possibly have for wanting to learn about dragons? You aren’t of Valyrian blood.”

She groans in frustration. It has always been this way ever since they were children. She cannot stand Aemond Targaryen. He is the bane of her existence and makes life as a ward of his house incredibly difficult.

They bicker at every opportunity. His compulsion to have the last word and know more than her on every conceivable subject drives her to the point of madness. It feels as though he seeks her out just to annoy her, constantly belittling her, insulting her intelligence and making a mockery of everything she does.

“Just give me the bloody book!” She finally snaps, losing her temper. She feels the flush of anger heat the skin of her cheeks.

Aemond’s expression remains unchanged. He turns from her, eye scanning the bookshelves before pulling out what he is looking for and offering it to her. “I believe this is perhaps better suited.”

She gasps as she reads the title, A Caution for Young Girls. It is infamous as one of the most debased works of carnal debauchery circulating throughout the Seven Kingdoms, of the lowest sort.

“How dare you!” She hisses, smacking the book out of Aemond’s hand and glaring at him.

He chuckles, gaze flickering to the floor where the book now lays, then back to her angry face. “Pick that up.”

“I shall do no such thing!”

“Openly defying the orders of a Prince.” He tuts. “Insolent wench.”

Furious, and without thinking, she lunges for him, ready to strike his cheek with her palm.

He captures her wrist easily, before she is able to make contact, yanking her body to his. Her surprised yelp is muffled by his mouth as he captures her lips with his. The kiss takes her by surprise, but what shocks her most is the intensity with which she finds herself returning his affection.

“Stupid girl.” He mutters against her lips, before forcing her backwards.

That is how she ends up with a leg wrapped around Aemond’s waist, as he drives his cock into her against the bookshelves in the library. It is frantic, the air of desperation thick between the two of them.

When it is over, he pulls out, composes himself and then leaves without a word. She is shocked and confused. That was the very last thing she had expected to happen. Irritation interrupts her astonished pondering when she realises he has taken the book she wanted with him. Bastard.

No further mention of their tryst is made by either of them, then a few days later she laughs at dinner as Aegon calls Aemond a pompous arse. Aemond has a few choice words for her later that evening and that is how she finds herself with her skirts bunched up over her hips and his head between her thighs, feasting on her cunt like she is his last meal. Once more they part as though nothing has transpired between the two of them.

A week later, Aemond passes a comment that her dress would be better suited to the Street of Silk and, following a heated exchange, she is on her knees as he thrusts into her mouth, spilling his seed down her throat.

The pattern continues over the coming weeks, passionate arguments followed by passionate coupling. Over time she finds herself less irritated by Aemond’s presence. She begins to wonder if perhaps they are finding excuses to annoy each other as a means to be intimate afterwards.

She ponders this as she lays in her bed, Aemond’s spend trickling out of her as he lounges beside her catching his breath; the post-coital recovery that has come about as the result of an argument she can no longer remember.

When he leans over the side of the bed, she expects him to begin dressing and leave without a word, much like he always does. She is surprised when he leans back, passing her the copy of Unnatural History that had started all of this in the first place.

“You can have this.” He says softly. “There is a part where Septon Barth describes how the children of the forest could speak with ravens and make them repeat their words. I think you’ll enjoy it.”

Her eyes look at the book then up at his face, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion. “Aemond, I don’t understand…what is this?” “A book.” He says simply.

She smacks his arm playfully, annoyed that she wants to laugh at his response rather than be angry with him for it.

“You know that is not what I meant.” She chides. “What is this between us? I thought you hated me, but you are behaving like the opposite.” “Hate is not the opposite of love.” He corrects her with a sense of smug satisfaction. “It is indifference, and I have never been indifferent towards you.”

Her breath catches in her throat, as her heart flutters. “Y-you love me?” She stammers.

Smirking, Aemond murmurs “Stupid girl.” before pulling her to him for a soft kiss.

#aemond targaryen #aemond one eye #aemond stannies #pro aemond targaryen #prince aemond targaryen #aemond #aemond targaryen x reader #hotd aemond targaryen #house of the dragon #hotd #aemond targaryen smut #hotd smut #aemond targaryen fanfic #hotd fanfic #aemond targaryen fanfiction #hotd fanfiction #aemond targaryen fan fiction #hotd fan fiction

[farity]

The Choice, part 3

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x Baratheon OFC

Summary:  Lucerys didn’t go to Storm’s End, Aemond ends up marrying one of the Baratheon daughters.

Warnings: Smut.

Part 1 - part 2

Aemond stood, arms crossed, while the Maester examined a flask full of liquid.

“This is ridiculous.”

“Your well being is not ridiculous, wife.”

Carys rolled her eyes.  “It’s been three days!  Clearly I am well, the bump on my head is almost gone.  I’ve been making water in a flask morning, noon, and night and everything is fine.”

“My prince,” the Maester said, “the princess seems to be in good health.  We can let a few days go by before I stop by again?”

“Hmm.”

“Aemond,” she admonished.  “I am well.”

“Stay in the keep,” Aemond said, “I want you to be close if we need you.”

“Very well, my prince.”  The older man nodded and walked out of their chamber.

“This is all a little excessive,” Carys said gently, going up to her husband and wrapping her arms around his waist.  

He looked down at her, placed a kiss on top of her head.  “Nothing is excessive when it comes to the ordeal you have just been through.  How is your maid?”

“Her headaches have gone away, but I fear her spirit is much shaken.  I will be keeping her inside the keep for a few weeks.”

“Will you come to dinner?”

She smiled up at him.  “I’d love to.”

* * * * * 

“I am so glad you are well, it must have been a dreadful time,” Helaena said, clutching Carys’s hand.  “I did not tell the children but they were asking where you were.”

Carys smiled.  “Now that I am allowed outside my rooms,” she said, glancing at Aemond, “I will visit them.  I have missed their mischief.”

“Nothing too wild,” Aemond said, ignoring the look she gave him, “no climbing or running.  Maybe some reading.”

Across the table, Aegon smiled.  “I like this.  None of that mad scampering about, the children are loud enough without further encouraging.”

“In this we agree, brother,” Aemond replied, “it is far too-”

Carys stood abruptly.  “I am going to sleep, I am clearly overtired from the extreme effort it took to walk here and lift food to my mouth.  Goodnight all.”  She walked out of the dining room without giving a backwards glance to Aemond.

She did not stop until she reached her chambers, where she hurled the door shut with all her might so that it made a terrible noise when it slammed closed.  

Treated like a fucking invalid, fussed over as if she was a newborn, assigned two guards to follow her any time she left the main building.  It was all too much.

“Carys.”

She did not turn.  Instead, she continued pulling off her gown and unbraiding her hair.

“Carys.”

“What do you want, Aemond?”

She sat on the edge of the bed in her shift, her back to him.

“Do you not understand what it did to me?”

She didn’t reply and continued undoing her braids.

She heard him approach but wasn’t prepared for him grabbing her arm and turning her around to face him.  “What in the seven hells?”

“Clearly, you have no idea what you being abducted meant to me, Carys, for you act like you bumped into a door instead of being taken by murdering bastards!”

The anger and fear in his face surprised her, and she found no words to throw at him.

“You, madam, think too little of yourself to believe it did not tear me apart to know you were in peril.”

“Aemond, I do not-”

“You, princess, do not comprehend the severity of what happened to you.”

She placed her hands on his chest as he pushed her down on the bed.  

“You have no pity for your husband, who feared you were dead.”

“Please, Aemond, I know I have been-”

“Difficult?  Meddling?  Interfering with every measure designed to keep you safe?”

She opened her mouth, but said nothing.

“Out of arguments?” he said, mockingly, although his eye lingered on her lips.  “I did not think that was possible, wife.”

“Aemond, please.”  She reached up to caress his face but he grabbed her wrist.  “I knew you would come for me.  I knew you would tear them to pieces for taking what’s yours.”

“And are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Mine.”

Carys met his gaze.  If he was asking what she felt for him he was asking for far too much.  She would not give him that, not this soon.  She swallowed.  “I am your wife.  Everything I brought to the marriage is yours.  Should we have children, they will be yours.  If you wish to banish me or worse, you would suffer no penalty for it.  I am yours in every way that counts.”

He lowered his face until he could kiss the spot under her ear, and she shivered.  “Aemond.”

“I was not referring to the law.”

She knew, and yet she could not tell him of her feelings.  Not when it was all that was left to her and her alone.  “Then what?”

“Forget it,” he murmured as he began kissing her neck.  “It matters not.”  He pulled up handfuls of her shift until he could pull it over her head, leaving her bare.  Grabbing her ankles, he pulled her to the very edge, and set his mouth between her thighs.

She moaned, the sound feeding his need, and her hands went to his hair, her delicate fingers wrapping themselves in his long locks.  He worked her relentlessly through every roll of her hips, every whimper and whine.  

When she began to pant, he slipped two fingers inside her.  She was so tight, and moaned again when he spread those fingers apart within her.  He sucked on the tender flesh he had been licking and nipping at, and she screamed, her hands tightening painfully in his hair as she came.

He pulled her hands off, knelt on the bed between her legs, looking down at her disheveled hair, her flushed cheeks.  

“I want-”

“What do you want, princess?”

She was breathing hard still, but she rose on her elbows.  “I want to do the same to you.”

Aemond smirked.  “Not exactly the same.”

Carys rolled her eyes at him.  “Let me,” and began to sit up, but he pushed her back down.  “What?”

“I want to finish inside you,” he said.  “Do you know that the night I met you I imagined you heavy with my child?”

Her eyes flashed fire at him but she said nothing.

“Your belly swollen, your breasts heavy.”  He began pushing inside her.  “A babe in your arms.  Our babe.”

She wrapped her legs around him.  “A babe with silver hair and my eyes.  A dragon’s egg in the crib.”

He began pumping his hips, pressing her wrists into the bed on either side of her head.  “More than one.”

“Probably a girl or two,” she smirked up at him, but he was watching her breasts bounce with every thrust.  “Maybe all girls.”

Aemond let go of her wrists to wrap her up in his arms and she began kissing and biting his neck, laughing when he started cursing.  “Give me a child,” she whispered in his ear, and felt him thrust one last time as his release overtook him.

* * * * * 

Later, he watched her walk around, shamelessly naked, to pour some wine.  She'd yanked off his hair tie at some point so his hair was loose and he found that he was perfectly at ease without the eyepatch as well.  

She handed him a cup and sipped from her own.  “I like your hair like that.  I should not, for it’s prettier than mine, but I do.”

Aemond laughed.  “Your hair is lovely, Carys.  You are lovely.”

She peeked at him from under her lashes.  “I’m glad you think so.”  

“Do you doubt it?”

Carys shrugged, but he saw something in her eyes.  “Father called me ‘runt’.”

“I shall have his head stricken from his body if you wish.”

She laughed, and placed her cup on her night table to lay down next to him, letting him wrap an arm around her back.  “I am sorry you were so distressed by my ordeal.”

There is more, he thought, and said nothing.

“I was terribly afraid at the beginning, but then I knew you would find me.  And you did.”  She pressed a kiss on his bare shoulder.  “When I saw you, I realized they were doomed.  And I was so happy to see you.”

“Were you?”

“Yes,” she continued.  “I find that, uh, I am quite fond of you.”  She turned to reach for her wine, taking a few sips before she put the cup back down.

He merely smiled when she turned back to him.  “You are very dear to me, wife.”

As she settled against him and he pulled the covers to her shoulders, Aemond wrapped himself around her, the sweet scent of her hair lulling him to sleep.  Patience was something he had in spades, and it would serve him well here as well.

* * * * * 

“Did you have to marry the strangest one of them?”

Aegon stood next to his brother, scowling at the sight of Carys practicing with a dagger alongside Ser Criston Cole.  

Aemond shrugged.  “She wishes to be able to defend herself and that is something I would not deny her.”

“I think there is very little you would deny her, brother.  It is worrisome to see.”  When Aemond said nothing, Aegon continued.  “One’s wife and children should not interfere with one’s life and pleasures.”

“There is no danger of that happening to you, brother, you continue to drink more than a Braavosi sea lord.”

Aegon gave his brother a dirty look.  “I drink just the right amount.  Be careful, brother, I can see her bringing much change to your life,” he added before walking away.

“Yes,” Aemond said to himself.  “I can see that, too.”

Ser Criston bowed to Carys, giving her a few more pointers before Aemond joined them.  “My prince, your wife is a fast learner.”

Carys beamed at the compliment, “thank you, Ser Criston.  I am learning much from you.”  She took the arm Aemond offered and walked with him back inside.  “Was Aegon telling you to send me back to Storm’s End?”

“As he does every day.”  He smiled at her sudden burst of laughter.  He should have kept track, but he was sure he had smiled more since bringing Carys to King’s Landing than he had in the previous ten years of his life.  “I shall refuse, as I do every day.”

“Oh well, then, husband,” she whispered, “I shall endeavor to stay on your good graces.”

He felt the gut punch of lust at the intimate tone in her voice and decided to walk to their chambers.  “I have an idea or two of how you might do that.”

To his surprise, she was blushing when he looked down at her.  “Unless, you do not feel inclined to-”

He was pulled into a darkened corner and then she was in his arms, her hands eagerly caressing his face as she kissed him.  He felt her fingertips, soft as butterflies, brushing over the parts of his scar left visible by the eyepatch.  Pulling away, she smiled up at him.  “I am very much inclined to.”

He managed to get them to their rooms before she began tugging and pulling at the fastenings on his clothes and in turn, he started divesting her of her gown.  She muttered something unholy at him when he turned her around to undo the lacing, then gasped when she felt his blade cut straight through them.  

“You are so very clever, Aemond,” she turned around and stepped out of her dress.  Wearing only her shift, she undid her simple braid as he pulled off his tunic and then began undoing the laces on his breeches.  When she began pushing down the garment, she knelt down, her eyes on his.

She smiled when his eye widened as she ran her hands up his thighs.  “I said I wanted to do this.”

“Carys,” he whispered.

She began stroking him, wrapping her hands around him, and then took him in her mouth.  

Aemond cursed, his hands fisting at his sides.  The feel of her lips and tongue on him, the sight of her on her knees before him, the knowledge that she wanted to pleasure him, he wondered if fate had truly decided to favor him with a loving wife.

Not wanting to finish in her mouth, he pulled her up, dragging her to the bed after he pulled the shift over her head. 

“Was I doing something wrong?”

“No, harpy,” he replied, and she smiled at the familiar word, “I don’t want to come in your mouth,” he let her push him onto his back and cursed again when she straddled him and slowly lowered herself onto him.

She began rocking her hips, her dark hair swirling around her as she moved.  Aemond’s hands went to her breasts and she placed her own hands on top of his.  “I love the way you touch me,” she murmured, “I crave your touch, Aemond.”

He pulled her down to kiss her, sinking his hands into her hair as she continued to move.  “I have decided, Carys.  You are mine.”  He turned so that she was on her back and nipped at her neck.  “In every way that counts,” he said, repeating her earlier words.

Carys wrapped her arms around him as he continued raking his teeth across her skin.  “Then you belong to me, Aemond.  I won’t have it otherwise.”  She moaned when he started thrusting into her.  “Ours might be the fury, but mine is the dragon.”

He kissed her, over and over, chanting her name until he felt her fluttering around him, until she cried out and whispered his name, until he finally let her take him with her.

* * * * * 

“I thought you might like something made especially for you.”

Carys looked up from her writing.  She was sending a raven to her father to wish him a joyous name day, and her eyes landed on the small box in Aemond’s hands.

“Oh?”

He opened the lid to reveal a small sheath embellished with a dragon on one side and a stag on the other.  “For your dagger.”

Her face lit up with a smile, “Aemond!  It is beautiful, thank you!” she rose to kiss him, then took the box from him.

“It took longer than I expected, but I wanted their most experienced leatherworker to make it.”  He tied it to the waistband of her dress, and once the fabric was folded back over it, it was completely hidden from sight.

“It is perfect.”  She looked past him to the Maester waiting discreetly by the door.  “Oh, excuse me a moment.”  She rushed to the older man and exchanged a few words with him.

Aemond kept his eye on her but waited by her desk until the Maester left and she returned.  “Are you ill?”

“No, not at all,” she said.  “But as it turns out, I also have something that has been especially made.”

* * * * * 

@arryn-nyx​   @greenowlfactif  @hydrationqueensworld    @megzdoodle@melsunshine  @queenofshinigamis     @throughgoeshamilton   @travelingmypassion​  @hb8301   @kaemond-zafiro    

#aemond targaryen #aemond #aemond x oc #aemond targaryen x oc #hotd smut #hotd aemond #hotd fanfiction #hotd fanfic

[antispopausandstuff]

hey i got a notif for a post of urs bc my gif was on it. normally i would ignore it. however. im in my 20s now but once upon a time i too was a depressed 13 yo running a tumblr blog, very similar to yours, dedicated to being really mad about a story that disappointed me. so i speak out of sincere sympathy and not a desire to be mean when i say: please do literally anything else with your time. read a book. practice a hobby. it is simply not that serious

for anyone who might be at least somewhat like what the person is talking about:

as of right now, you might be young and prone to change. things are difficult to process, awkward, scary, and you might not even know who or what you are just yet. but take your time and be kind to yourself.

by all means necessary, let your anger out. vent. complain. be sad. be angry. just don't let it hurt you or anyone else, okay? and, if you're like me, and don't necessarily feel comfortable being emotional, that's okay too.

try to find something to do, to distract you. play with a fidget, engage in activities, offline or online, try to connect with your peers. make something of your own.

whatever you're feeling is valid, and you deserve love and support. regardless of your age, living situation, mental health, etc., if any of you ever need anything from me, my messages are open. note, i might not be quick to responding all the time, but i will always respond.

i'm here for you 🫶🏾

.

now onto you.

i find it funny that you think you have the right to project your past onto me when i'm nowhere near in your previous position. not anymore, at least.

i'm not buying your condescending politeness, and you suck at actually guiding people ( if that's what you think you're doing, which i doubt ) to become healthier, happier people.

to be honest, i'm almost laughing that you thought this was genuinely okay to send, even more so anonymously, if you're not just being a dickhead who thought was doing something for a 'child'.

i'm not a child. at least, not in the way you think. i'm 18 now, legally an adult in most if not all places, and my development from being 13 years old to now is huge, especially since i'm now taking medication, getting into therapy, and have done a lot to accommodate my neurodivergencies, and have been all the better for it.

you have a serious problem if you think every single account that criticizes something is either a child or is taking things too seriously, when i'm 99.9% certain you've seen the show you made a GIF about as a revolutionary piece of queer media for children.

to think so low of someone you have never met is, frankly, cruel, demeaning, ridiculous, and shameful. according to this, you're a full grown adult, and yet, you think being like this will actually help anyone? will actually teach children to be more kinder to themselves? to help teens or young adults to not be so consumed by negativity?

i am not the person you think you're talking to, and even if i was, you yourself have a lot more growing up to do if you think you can talk to me like that.

the audacity of you.

#spop #she ra #spop salt #spop critical #spop fandom #go fuck yourself #mental health #mental health awareness #mental health check #mental health support

[abyssallector]

please god i need to hear you talk about farmhouse raph i love him So Mucj.

OK OK i saw this a while ago but i took the time to rewatch the farmhouse episodes to refresh my memory and i took NOTES. So here we go Let me just start this off by saying that the farmhouse arc is genuinely one of my favorite segments of the entire series, and Raph is one of the main reasons why. When you really sit down and watch what Raph does throughout these episodes, you begin to realize that he's actually a really reliable figure- he tries to cheer up Donnie when he's bummed out about April rejecting him, and he's always keeping an eye out on Leo and is constantly encouraging his recovery, and he's also a little more indulgent to Mikey's antics. And yeah yeah I know "The Croaking" exists (the episode where Mikey runs away), but that entire episode, and the fandom's perception of it, is so wack that I'll have to speak on it in a later post or something because damn it just pisses me off a little . a LITTLE bit! just a lil. I will pretend it doesn't exist until then. For some examples, let's start with Episode One, Within the Woods. Of course, Raph watched over Leo while he was recovering in the bathtub for months. The dedication. The loyalty. When April brings it up, he brushes it off as no big deal. He just cared that much to take care of him all of that time. It's so sweet. And it's even sweeter when, at the end of the episode, Leo reciprocates that sentiment by never leaving his side when he was recovering from being turned into a plant. Love them. Episode 2, A Foot too Big. One of my favorite episodes because despite all of the second-hand embarrassment I get from cringe king Donnie (and the scene at the end ugh), it's actually hilarious. So Donnie makes this music box with his picture in it, and he gives it to April, who, of course, rejects his advances by leaving in the most awkward manner one possibly can. Raph witnesses this entire thing, tells him straight up that it will never work between him and April, and then enthusiastically suggests that they go forest training to help cheer him up. This is the EXACT same thing he did with Leo when he just woke up from the bathtub. Exact Method.

Pictured: Brotherly Affection (Donnie and Raph are SUCH an underrated duo it is a SHAME they didn't get paired off more often) It's also really cute how Leo and Raph are co-leading the training in the following scene. He's still a little playfully mean but he gives actual constructive advice to Donnie and Mikey. It's also interesting to note that when the duo is running away from Bigfoot, they only turn back to fight when they find Raph in the woods again. Here's another thing I noted. There's a montage of Bigfoot generally being difficult to live with, and at some point, she takes a fucking shit in the bathtub. Raph brings her, Donnie, and Mikey outside so that bigfoot can teach them Forest Stealth while he goes to clean it up. I am 100% certain that if this was the Raph from season 1, he would not have done that. I am so serious. Raph from season 1 OR hell, SEASON 2, would have reasoned that since Donnie and Mikey wanted to bring Bigfoot home, they should be the ones to take full care of her. He doesn't even get mad- annoyed or frustrated, sure, but he doesn't yell at anyone, he doesn't place unfair blame on one person- none of that. Later on in the episode, Donnie vents to him about how Bigfoot is following him around and smothering him etc. To which Raph remarks something like, "Now you know how April feels." He's so real. There's just so much I can bring up. The fact that Raph not once ever goes too easy on Leo when they train together because he knows Leo would hate that. Raph enabling Mikey to draw on Leo's face while he sleeps. Raph somehow being the only one to bring his grappling hook when they were all (minus April and Leo) kidnapped by the Chimera Turducken thingy. Raph and Leo playing video games together. And overall, I noticed his anger-fueled outbursts aren't really that common anymore either. He's just trying his best to make sure his brothers are okay in the ways he knows how to. My sweet angel

#tmnt 2012 #tmnt #ask tag #tmnt raph #tmnt donnie #tmnt mikey #tmnt leo #tmnt 2012 raph #i love the farmhouse arc guys can you tell #also love how Mikey and Donnie join forces to become the ultimate whiny younger brother duo #lol #raph is more responsible and donnie is a lot more immature than people think #tmnt 2k12

[funkymbtifiction]

Hii! What are some core differences between INFP 9 vs 6? I can't decide for the life of me if I am the former or the latter.

Your MBTI type really doesn't matter when discovering your Enneagram type. In a nutshell 9s are chill and 6s are the opposite. The way 9s annoy themselves and others is to be passive and not take action on their own behalf and to avoid anything difficult. The way 6s annoy themselves and others is to be neurotic and fearful, reinforcing their fears rather than dismantling them (the world is a scary place full of bad people and I need to be careful!).

One mental distinction that I was discussing with a 9 yesterday is that as a withdrawn type, he gets lost in the flow of life and forgets other people exist. It doesn't occur to him to stay in touch with his friends or that they expect to know things about what's happening in his life; time just sort of gets away from him, which means he can come back to a relationship a few weeks or even months later, and then is shocked when that person is mad at him for "disappearing" -- why are they acting so cold about this? Do they think they deserve my attention? Immediate 9ish anger sets in; is this relationship a privilege or do you think you have a right to know everything? Truth is, as a withdrawn type... he doesn't remember to stay in touch, and also, in his mind, thinking is the same as doing. He can think happily about someone without taking the initiative to reach out first. Then, a year later, he can pick up where he left off.

This is nothing like the 6, which has to remain attached to others. 6s think about the people they care about and wonder where they are, they consider how much they are contributing, and they move toward their friends eager to maintain the connection as attachment types (the true attachment types, as opposed to the "withdrawn" 9). When others are missing from the 6's life, the self-doubt and questioning starts. Where are they? are they okay? did I say something wrong? should I comb back over our e-mails and find what I could have said to make them ignore me for weeks? what if they come back and I'm not attached to them anymore? where have you been?? For the 6, a super-ego type, it's my job to reach out, to maintain the connection, to find out what's going on, to maintain our relationship, because I need/want others close to me.

Secondly, gut types just know, especially as IFPs. I want this, I don't want that, I hate that this is happening, it infuriates me. 6s have to think their way to everything. It's like Marie Kondo, a gut type, says -- "Keep what sparks joy." A 9: sure thing, can do. A 6: HUH? What does joy feel like? If I hold this thing, does it give me more joy than that other thing? How do I know what joy even is? Are there different levels of joy? The mind of a 9 can have anxiety, but they put a blanket of calm over it and immediately go take a nap. (It's a semi-true running joke with my 9 friends that whenever they feel anxious or overwhelmed, it's time to go to sleep!) The mind of a 6 is way louder, a lot busier, it's "buzzy" with thoughts and fears and over-analysis. We can't sleep it off, we become more and more anxious when things go wrong. The 9's first reaction is repressed anger; 6s first reaction is fear. 9s are easily overwhelmed by life; 6s are easily frustrated.

Lastly, 9s pull away from people altogether when their life isn't going well, because it doesn't occur to them as a withdrawn type that others would want to help. 6s move toward their support systems for encouragement and assistance. So when grandpa has a heart attack and is dying, the 9 vanishes, feeling overwhelmed by life and all the feelings and really needing to rest, and the 6 tells all their friends.

#question #enneagram #enneagram 6 #enneagram 9

[ferretzdiary]

Saying I love you to my parents feels so weird. It’s not that I don’t love them- it’s complicated really. I kind of hate them too. They aren’t exactly good people, but they aren’t exactly bad either?

It’s weird to say I love you to people who don’t actually love you. They love the idea of you, what they want of you and expect, and feel the need to love you because you’re their dna, but they don’t love you as you. Other than being white as paper, I’m nearly everything they hate. I’m queer, I’m trans, I’m autistic, I’m alt, I’m a punk, I hate things they worship, I’m a witch, etc. list keeps going.

They don’t like my personality. Over the years I’ve learned I get in trouble with them less if I dull myself down, if everything including my emotions are concealed. This is very difficult for someone who’s autistic, has depression, ptsd, and anxiety that affects my heart; but I have to bottle it of fear if it’s the wrong emotion I’ll get in trouble. Specifically negative ones. Negative ones are usually met with yelling, belittling, scolding, etc. anger. I literally have gotten in trouble for being on high suicide risk. I can’t help that. I wasn’t even honest on most of the questions at the damn hospital because I’m scared of them. When they find out I’m harming myself they get mad at me because I have no reason to be sad, scolding me about how good I have it. I know my life is better than a lot of peoples but that doesn’t make everything magically go away. I don’t understand why they think it does.

Not to mention they’re aware I was raped and beat by my cousin for years. They don’t care, when they found out they said and did nothing, he’s still the family favorite, and the cherry on top is life is going way better for him. He’s got a sweet girlfriend, an apartment, a good paying job, everything. I can’t even get my damn license bc for some reason I’m terrified of cars.

Back to being a faggot; when I was outed (not consensual, I begged not to be because I knew what was to come, I was already struggling to understand what was going on with myself and condemning myself) I came home to being told I’d be hung on our Barb wire fence with allll the other queers if I didn’t by my father (I had just started middle school). No exaggeration. They still tell me I can tell them anything and they don’t care but continue to spit threats, slurs and whatever the fuck else towards the lgbt, a lot of the time it feels aimed at me wether they mean it or not.

I literally have struggled to keep myself together while my heart was giving me trouble because I was so damn terrified they’d be pissed. Unfortunately this is a common occurrence because I literally Tweek out just being in a damn Walmart half the time.

I don’t have friends outside of my phone, the one irl friend I got to see moved to NY, my other one I just never see and is always sick, and everyone else is online. I’d make friends, but my parents kinda prevent that too bc I don’t want them bitching because someone looks a certain way or isn’t white. I literally avoided a black girl I wanted to be friends with because I knew she wouldn’t be safe as my friend. Not to mention I work at my dad’s food truck and other than my house and grandmas that’s all I ever go, I work full time, so how am I meant to even make friends? I’m so isolated, I’m as isolated as I was when my cousin beat me if I talked to other kids, hell I might be MORE isolated now. I’m in a tight box!!

And I’m trapped. I can’t drive, I can hardly cook, I can hardly take care of myself at all, I’m stupid as hell, need help to get through college, etc. I’m stuck. I can’t take this anymore. It’s so fucking hard not to attempt again but I don’t want to let mfs win, I want to survive for my friends, my grandma, and so I can have a future where I die as myself not the stranger I see in the mirror. My self harm has been so bad lately, I keep blanking out and relapsing, I have no one to go to. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I almost wish I could go back to the hospital and dump everything but I’m turning twenty, what can they fuckin do? Not to mention how badly I want to get my bachelors and become a zoologist, I can’t loose my college opportunity.

#vent

[adhbabey]

here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.

biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.

when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.

Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.

every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?

Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.

Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.

alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.

feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.

my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.

but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.

i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.

oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.

Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.

share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya

#babey posts #autism #actually autistic #i also realize ive been having meltdowns and shutdowns since i was young #but i didnt know thats what i was experiencing #i would just get really tired or hungry and just would fucking sob and scream #i thought that was just sort of normal and everyone felt that way #that i was just really bad at hiding it #ive been experiencing it into adulthood too..... #id shutdown after friend stuff bc i felt too drained to interact anymore

[obscenity]

⛧ ; hiihi

thank you for your response, again! do you have any favorite things about being schizoid or ones that you consider positive?

also, do have any views on szpd in the sense of it being a disorder and all that? i find it interesting because it's technically considered among the Serious Mental IllnessesTM and personality disorders (the latter of which makes sense but i wouldn't be surprised if people with other pds find it much harder to deal with theirs) but i don't really perceive my experiences as.... suffering? ill? or the like? perhaps it's because some other pds tend to come with intense emotions and i'm just. dissociated all the time pfff. the way i am feels normal to me, even if neurotypicals would consider schizoids very confusing or hard to understand or abnormal in general. though then again i have this sorta mindset that suffering and pain = negative emotions that are felt, like sadness or anger. not Nothing. emptiness isn't negative if you compare it to feeling upset. sure, there's supposed to be fullness, perhaps, but i don't view it that way aha. but regardless it's funny when you're neurodivergent with little awareness about others no matter what your neurodivergence is, because i can't comprehend neurotypicals are unlike me and that i'm supposed to be the weird one. i've always called them aliens instead aha. i'm perfectly normal To Me, so what're the weirdo neurotypicals on about? (/joke but also i do think that way.) i figure it's just interesting to think about.

hiiiiii again sorry it took me so long to answer this time ive been busy being insane (playing tower of fantasy)

anyways . for me it really depends on the day. sometimes i have a lot of fun just reveling in my space and existing with entirely 0 responsibilities and obligations from other people. its very nice. i like to imagine a future in which i continue to exist as i am now (doing absolutely nothing. at least for another 2 weeks before i have 2 start college) and i dont find myself upset by it. i dont find myself being sad or feeling lonely if i continue living in my own little world where no one is ever allowed in. im not overly upset at the possibility i might just be single for the rest of my life. im content to coast through life feeling very little. though like i said, it depends on the day. sometimes i get really mad at myself (im angry more often than sad) and wonder why i cant just be "normal". and why its so hard for me to just talk to people. its an uphill battle just to remain in peoples lives. its very difficult for me because i rarely, if ever, am the one to reach out first or message people first. i just dont, im often not thinking about other people for long enough to want to text first. which obviously means most other people take this as a sign of me not being interested. which isnt always the case with me. i just dont like being the person to do it. im terrible at putting effort into relationships because it just feels so ... hard. and not worth the fight to keep someone in my life. i often think things like "if they really wanted to stay, they would have" when i drift apart from people. of course i know relationships have to go both ways, realistically i know one person cant just always put in the effort. but the little schizoid devil that sits on my shoulder tells me otherwise. (if you were wondering the angel would also be the schizoid. ie the euphoria of cancelling plans and avoiding social situations)

i do consider it a disorder (because my nothing is in equal parts enjoyable as it is suffering) but youre right in that it just does feel very normal to me. ill probably never go to therapy for it, as its not something thats so debilitating to me that i need "fixed". theres nothing to really fix, i think this is just how i am. im not really interested in putting allthe effort in to make myself "normal" when i have no problem with myself in the first place. and i dont really consider myself abnormal, i dont really care honestly. i dont care if people think im a creep... or that im a weirdo.... or a freakazoid or whatever. im too busy having a superiority complex anyways

#i think i got a little off track on this one mybad . #asks #⛧ anon #long post

[beastofwant]

[Adrian] was always... kinda like that ig even from when i first knew him but we’d spent so much time just driving around, together, that we ended up having a ton of deeper conversations

we had a shared experience of being the really weird bad vibes kid growing up, though we’d lived on other sides of the country we both were the loners that couldn’t keep a friend group because we were just so fucking weird, and everyone thought we’d both be either serial killers or school shooters or otherwise mass murderers because we were just Off in that sense (read: neurodivergent, probably schizoid and schizotypal for him and I respectively, on top of autism for us both as well)

I talked about the shit i went through freshman year and how bad it was and how nobody.... got it. you know. nobody understands, or understood, the homicidal ideation and the anger and the violent urges were paramount to a cry for help, or something like that, but also just mixed with genuine desires I’m just gonna have to live with and maybe find acceptable outlets for if I really need it. idk its complex and whenever i try to talk about it with someone else they go “oh nooo you’re not a monster you’re not violent I can see it you are harmless :)” and I hate that so much. i really do. its not that i want to be a monster, it’s that I’ve been called that and I am reclaiming the term and I am showing you the most intimate thing abt myself which is this Sin and you just... deny it. why can’t you just accept it yknow why not

adrian would talk about bad things he’d done as a way to.. idk. he’d talk about it to other people, he was very self-aware but either did not know how to stop or did not care and idc really, he’d talk about bad things he’s done as a way to absolve himself of them. because then he’s been found out and people Know the nature of the beast and so he can blame it on them when they don’t leave and he hurts them rather than his behavior being his own fault. We were almost the same person but we’d made drastically different choices on how to be about things. I stopped talking about what i wanted to do to people years prior, I bottled that all up because I have to because nobody wants to hear about how you thought about stabbing someone in high school in the bathroom and you genuinely planned it and started to put it into action and only stopped not because of morality but because you know you would get caught and there would be consequences. that’s always the thing that scares me is consequences, because i can’t always see all of them and so i can’t always be prepared for them. I like to think I’m cautious but I’m not. I’m just scared. at least I am self-aware of my own cowardice, in that sense.

I liked it. I liked the feeling of being owned, at least at first, and I liked talking about those things and I liked talking about killing his ex (fuck that guy, seriously) and I liked just bathing in the Darkness in that sense, just drinking in how awful it was and reveling in that very fact. I was disconnected from reality. I was insane. I was blood-drunk and wild and full of divine madness. the forays into the wilds to have bonfires and drink and dance and scream probably didn’t help (dionysus-bacchus has really, really always been with me huh) but I was just having the absolute time of my life.

it definitely went wrong when we tried to make things romantic, because I overperform romance to my partner because I’m afraid if i act as i normally would (as in, treat them like a friend) it’ll scare them off or it won’t be enough (like how when i am in a relationship it’s difficult for me to talk about not being happy or having a difficult day/time because people have left for that, I feel like I always have to put a smile on. my first long-term partner left me because i was suicidal and they didn’t understand and didn’t care to, because they were busy hooking up with a person they’d dated prior to me.) and also because adrian was just genuinely fucking abusive and misogynistic as fuck which is hilarious because we were both trans men, he was just further along in his transition than me and passed really well bc he had a beard whereas I’m always effeminate. he’s the reason i went on T (I wanted to go on T, but he was the igniting factor is a better way to put it) because he thought if i looked more masc/visibly trans people wouldn’t hit on me anymore, because he really really was protective and possessive of me. he even got mad a friend of mine complimented my facebook icon... he was a bad person and I don’t miss him but i miss the spirit of what we had, I guess

i really liked having a murder husband(tm) where we’d just confess awful, awful things we had done and we would just be accepting and understanding like oh okay this really isn’t the worst thing you could do. we understood each others neurosis, for the most part anyway. but it was a bad relationship and it was fated to end badly, it just ended worse than id ever expected it to.

the dynamic itself was also just really... idk, addictive for me? i showered him in compliments and love he’d never received before, and at first he was so sweet, and it seemed so sweet, but when the relationship starts after a dubiously-consented-to-at-best hookup it’s kinda doomed. but we were mutually very protective, it really really felt like i had a ride-or-die partner in crime, very literally. it all ended when he started to stalk his coworkers and I was just so deluded at first that I helped him do it, because I genuinely did not recognize it as stalking until later and thought he just wanted friends but was doing it in a weird-but-harmless way. which is so naive but I’ve tried to see the best in people, always, until recently. I was also just removed from reality at that point which didn’t help

I felt like I was being kept on a leash, as an attack dog/savior/housewife all at once. I’d attack and threaten ruthlessly those who seemingly hurt him and I lifted his sins and kicked out the child predator he’d been dating for like almost a decade at that point and I did the cleaning and cooking and organizing all at once. and then eventually i felt muzzled, too. I just kind of thought well, this is it, this is the rest of my life and it’s not the most miserable i have ever been so that’s fine i guess. when we became official it felt like sliding, slowly, down a rocky cliffside and into the sea and being suffocated by the cold of the water itself.

he never dressed me but i think he wanted to. he gave me standards for what i was and was not allowed to wear and where i was allowed to wear those things and who i was allowed to be around when i was wearing those things. he’d mock me or call me a thot or a slut for my outfits. there was a huge argument bc i wore shredded pants without underwear and i was “showing everything off” to men and even if I didn’t care people were looking at me, he cared, because I’m his [property]

see I’m writing all of this now and I’m realizing that he probably didn’t see me for what I am and instead viewed me as a woman. and then projected his insane misogyny onto me and treated me like that.

the relationship ended shortly after he’d managed to befriend one of his stalking targets and brought him over to our house to give him alcohol (he’d just turned 18, the kid, drinking age is 21 here) and didn’t ask me if it was okay to do that (it wasn’t, that’s not okay) and that + realizing he literally talked more about his Targets than anything else when I talked to him (constant stream about them from wake to sleep) culminated in me asking him to stop but he didn’t and didn’t even try and didn’t even care when I told him that it hurt. I don’t remember the breakup but i remember the aftermath of it. laying in bed unmoving for days as i realized how bad and serious my situation was. i only spoke to him one more time after that, because i saw a disgusting post he’d made and apparently when i had been in another room sobbing breaking down over realizing he was severely abusive and so so so fucked up adrian had gotten drunk and made a ton of horny posts and then called him. i hope they did not hook up, for the kid’s sake. I wouldn’t be 24 and fucking an 18 year old I don’t think, not personally

adrian had always self harmed and he only did it after he went to work and one of his coworkers he was stalking didn’t give him the time of day, and sometimes it would get pretty nasty, and i would always nurse him because i just wanted to be loving and a good boyfriend even though i knew why. and there was a tinge of sick jealousy, why not bleed for me? like what a horrible situation god. after we broke up i went to a hookup because I, conversely, simply use sex to self-harm, and i stayed over at the guy’s house a few days and he bought me an uber there and back. and when i walked into the house it was so much blood, everywhere, a puddle of it at the door and spattered around the floor and on the fridge and on the door, leading all around the house. the bathroom was a horror show. and i just dissociated and went into my room bc i wouldn’t find out it was self harm until later. i thought he’d killed one of the boys and had hid their body i thought i was involved in an actual murder case i was so fucking scared. it took about a week for me to know what was going to happen and even then not all the blood had been cleaned and i had to clean my ex’s blood off the bathroom and kitchen tile. his mother, a piece of work herself who was nearly completely blind at that point and just lived in her own room and rarely left, never commented on this. maybe she never knew, but her sight was good enough to steal my cosmetics and hygienic products repeatedly so who knows

there were bloody boots and clothes in the living room for days. my door didn’t have a lock, so i began to barricade it. i was scared. i was scared. he’d enabled my worst parts. I’d been trying to help him but i don’t know, he was beyond it or unaccepting and didn’t care for the radical kindness radical acceptance shtick and it didn’t matter that i could level with him and relate on the basis of how fucked up our minds are. like there are so many layers to all of this it’s all so much, too much. and i feel like i’m utterly inconsistent and incomprehensible, I know I’m an unreliable narrator here because like. I was insane, that’s the only way i can explain it, I wasn’t grounded on this plane of reality. i wanted to see who he was if he’d recovered but he didn’t want to and in hindsight it’s not my job and i wish he’d fucking died with how much blood he had lost

#diary #dead dove

[thetoxicgamer]

American McGee feels your “pain and anger” over no EA Alice sequel

After learning that EA just shelved possible sequel Alice Asylum, American McGee, the creator of Alice Madness Returns, claimed to share the same "pain and anger" as many fans of the cult classic action-adventure game series. This comes after McGee and the fans expressed hope that the third installment may be released, but it no longer seems to be the case. McGee already confirmed that Alice Asylum has been dropped by EA, which the publisher called an “important” part of the library despite the decision to not fund a third entry. EA also doesn’t want to sell the license according to McGee, who he says still see it as a core part of its “overall game catalogue.” Now, a follow-up statement from McGee acknowledges how fans of the series feel, but asks that you try to move on, as he himself is doing as well. “I just want to restate that I understand how difficult this is for many of you,” McGee writes on Patreon. “I am feeling the same pain and anger as many of you. And I understand that in situations like these, we often ask ourselves ‘what can we do?’ or ‘what could we have done differently?’ in order to change the outcome. It’s tough to admit right now but ultimately, we’re going to need to accept that this decision and the situation, in general, is out of our control.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roV8oWmL9q4 The last game in the series was 2011’s Alice Madness Returns and since then there has been a publicly uploaded Alice Asylum game bible and narrative outline, with neither becoming a full game. “We are not ‘giving up’ any more than a person who is hit by a bus is ‘giving up,’” McGee continues. “We did everything we could as a team and a group of fans to convince EA to let this next chapter happen. EA decided to kill the project and the possibility of any future for Alice. That decision is on them. “But we can make a decision of our own – and it’s a strong decision to make – to move on. That is what we do have in our power. And it’s often one of the most difficult decisions to be made in situations like this. But it’s what we must do. So, I would ask that you join me in moving on. If you decide to stay back and continue fighting… that’s fine. That is your decision to make. I respect that. And I ask that you also respect my decision to move on. Thank you.” Alice Madness Returns has already had its own turbulent history over the years on top of Alice Asylum’s cancellation, being removed and readded to Steam on multiple occasions. You can read McGee’s full statement on Patreon (via Eurogamer). While the Alice Asylum bible is still online and you can play the previous two games – American McGee’s Alice and Alice Madness Returns – whenever you want, it doesn’t look like a third game is ever going to happen. Perhaps our list of the biggest upcoming PC games will keep you entertained instead. Read the full article

[italks2]

A bit more venting since this is my only safe space apparently. I clearly remember having another acc but I can't find it now and I'm on a new dumb phone. This junk wasn't expensive compared to other phones but it definitely is a waste of money and could've been spent on a quality phone instead. But, my phone problems are sincerely the least of my worries.

I've been taking a medication for acne and one of the side effects clashes with my antidepressants. Though I wouldn't call my psychiatric drugs anti depressants since they're technically called something along the lines of mood stabilizers. I've been taking them for over 3 years and it's crap, I'm practically a zombie.

I'm writing before I have to go to my psychologist. I tend to overly complain about my life but many would be happy to switch places with me. That does not help me get out more out of my life since I'm stuck in a loop of self pity. I don't think I want to die but I'm sure I'm sick of living. I keep asking all the wrong decisions and my anxiety gets the best of me most days. I try to feel better by making others feel better but I'm not sure how that's working out. I know people are grateful for me but is that enough of a reason to keep living? I strongly believe people are replaceable. Yeah, grief isn't a desired emotion but it passes. Time doesn't heal all, it just helps to lessen the volume of your pain. But that too is something people move on with. I think it's nice that in Judaism there are 7 whole days dedicated to grieving unless there's a holiday in-between and then you're forced to be happy, which obviously isn't ideal.

I'm supposed to be excited. I'll be starting my university life in October but I can't handle the thought of moving on in life. I was so so sure I'd die before 18. I've always wanted to be a kid forever. Now I'm just a stupid young adult. No one gives a shit about 20 year olds navigating through life. Absolutely everyone cares when a tragedy happens to a minor. I'm not sure if I wanted people to pay attention to my death since I didn't feel useful while living. It's stupid since I won't be able to see it. Why would I care so much? Oddly, thinking about my death has kept me living longer than thinking about my living while living. Thoughts like my reason for choosing death shouldn't be anger kept me going during the full year I didn't speak with my dumb brother. Even though I felt like I went through hell with that experience. Am I stronger now after opposing and resisting his threatening presence for a full year? Have I learned something useful that would guide me in my future? I don't know since it's very very hard to imagine a future right now. I hate how I have "friends" that continuously say how they're in a difficult time right now. A difficult time is a period of time where you are overly stressed, have to deal with something difficult or making big changes in your life. It isn't a phrase to go around saying your whole fucking life. It's a period of time. That does not say the person is having it easy but always having a difficult time is just a basic lack of understanding that life isn't breezy. Having a good time is so temporary and it's okay to acknowledge you aren't. This probably makes me so mad because this one friend I have from my national service is always complaining about herself.she never takes the time to check up on me and if I try opening up to her, she just gives me advice and compares how she has it more difficult. She isn't a mean person just not one I'd like to hang around with so often. I thought I had fun with her but our last meet up was just exhausting. I'm definitely not a good judge of character and not very good at keeping friends close but to my defense they don't try to be close to me either. No one has the energy to make new friends. I used to travel around so much as a kid because of my father's work so I grew accustomed to it.

I used to think quite highly of myself. I never put down others in order to feel that way, just used to work really hard and my results spoke for themselves. I wear glasses and people think I look smart. I do have some knowledge but I wouldn't call myself smart. I think critical thinkers are smart people. I think curious people are smart people. I think humble people are smart people. I feel like I don't fit in these categories. At best I'm nice but a person saying about themselves that they are nice is kind of a red flag so I don't know anymore.