#it's like i am shitting myself but in a way that it's like. i'm not shitting enough? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

erinelliotc · 3 days

Text

A few years ago I used to be that annoying "transmasc lesbians don't exist, this shit is harmful and invalidates both transmascs and lesbians" person, and now I'M the transmasc lesbian. Seems like the tables have turned, huh?

I've spent so many months, years, trying so hard to fit into these categories that I saw so many people talk about as if it were the definitive truth, and this shallow and simplistic vision seems to be gaining a lot of attention and traction here in Brazil. Isn't it ironic to free yourself from cisnormativity and heteronormativity and all these binary boxes to find yourself again trying to fit into other boxes and norms that don't actually describe your experience correctly? Because your experience with gender is so chaotic and confusing (as expected of a nonbinary identity, and even more so if you're neurodivergent too) that there's no simple way to describe it. Then when you find out what describes this, people say you can't identify yourself that way because two or more of your identities are "incompatible". I see people treating non-binarity as if it were an exact science, as if it were math, as if it were something simple and logical, as it is precisely the escape from what has been established in our society as the only two possible options, generating countless identities within a gray area outside this black and white vision, so of course it's something complex, abstract and subjective.

EDIT: One of my reasons for thinking this way was that I ignored that the transgender experience and the cisgender experience aren't and will never be equivalent. It's obvious that a cis man can't be a lesbian, but the same doesn't go for transmasc people, and I thought that admitting that was the same as being transphobic, denying the masculinity of transmascs, denying their male identity. I already had a debate on Twitter because people didn't want to admit that trans men and transmasc people in general can suffer misogyny and male chauvinism (as society can still see and treat us as women) because they also saw it as the same as saying transmasc people are women. The identity of trans people is a very complex experience that involves a series of factors that cis people will never experience. We cannot equate the trans experience with the cis experience.

I thought identifying as a butch lesbian was enough to describe my masculinity, but I realized that I felt like it didn't encompass everything I felt, I still felt like something was missing. Preventing and depriving myself of identifying with more explicit masculine identities was actually making me feel bad and dysphoric. So yeah, I've been avoiding identifying with male-aligned identities because I thought that would mean having to stop identifying as a lesbian, and I didn't want that, and I don't really feel like calling myself straight makes any sense.

I have a text in Portuguese talking about my experience as a butch lesbian, and I feel that now it also serves to describe my experience as a nonbinary transmasc (the part where I talk about not identifying with "traditional masculinity", but with a "different type", like "soft masculinity", is directly related to the fact that, in addition to being nonbinary, I don't identify as a man, I don't feel comfortable with the term "man", but rather with "boy"). I spent a few months wondering whether I was libramasculine or boyflux, and I ended up deciding that if I can't identify which one I am, maybe it makes more sense to just adopt both identities, maybe I am both then! I'm tired of trying to fit into supposed rules about being nonbinary. This is exactly how non-binarity shouldn't be. I'm supposed to feel free, not trapped again. My identity is my identity and that's nobody's business.

366 notes · View notes

doctorcurdlejr · 2 days

Text

This is from a longer post I wrote about I saw the tv glow but just posting this bit on its own bc of the conversation around the movie I guess:

The point is that this movie is one big glaring trans allegory about how it sucks dog shit to live in the suburbs, and even at our most repressed we find these little snow globes of actualization in the glow of a tv screen that isn't afraid to show you the world you see. I've seen some people say that, like, in this context accepting or coming into your transness is this monumental death of self, which I get, but I feel there lacks a nuance in that because either way Owen is dying. Unlike Maddy who buries herself alive only to come out renewed, Owen doesn't kill himself upon facing the reality that the world is constructed to keep him miserable and the only way out is to take back what it is that the world wants to keep scooped out of him. Instead he just passively lets it drag him to a much more permanent death. This lack of suicide sucks in the kind of way that forces you to sit in your car on the midnight drive home and think to yourself am I letting myself suffocate because at some point knowing the misery became less scary than admitting I've been capable of doing something about it the whole time?

Maddy is an out lesbian who left town to escape the misery and found it strapped to her ankles. She slinks out, an animal pressed against the gymnasium floor, and says "I'm not telling you anything you don't already know." Owen looks into the camera and narrates. He cuts himself open with a box cutter, fully acknowledges what's there, and the movie ends with his suffocating apology parade for the unremarkable inconvenience of his excruciating suffering. You can be gay and trans, you can know it and you can stop repressing it, but you're not going to stop suffocating until you can find a way to destroy the part of you that truly deeply does want to die, reaching for the comforting euthanasia of normalcy. Stop visiting the dream of the life you want and make it into your reality with the same kind of unrepentant conviction seen in some underfunded but wildly ambitious teen television series. In other words: you must try to survive the ego death of being weird. A weirdo, who doesn't fit in and doesn't want to fit in.

#i saw the tv glow #i saw the tv glow spoilers #a day in the life

123 notes · View notes

weirdmorefics · 1 day

Text

My Birdy Took Flight

A/N- I am aware I really need to write my asks and my Spencer Reid story but I am currently obsessed with Simon Riley okay!

Simon Riley x Sniper Reader

Readers pronouns- She/her

TW- Swearing, falling, injuries, and military inaccuracies but I mean it's COD and they have a zombie game so are going to attack them too? lol

Summary- Who knew the complete off-the-books mission would go off the rails and leave you with the worst rope burns of your life. The injuries however were not the scary part it was having to face Ghost and admit you fell out of the heli.

Word Count- 1991

This mission was completely off the books, asshole Shephard did not care at all that Kate had been taken hostage and would not send reinforcements for help. I've been working with Price and Kate since I was a recruit they are my family. There was no way I was leaving Kate to be killed. The plan was simple enough I stayed in the heli for overwatch while Price, Gaz, and Farah worked their way up the line. Things were going smoothly I've worked with Nik before he is one hell of a pilot. Things however took a turn for the worse an explosive hit the copter and I fucking fell out. I'm sure Nik and Captian thought I died for a moment but I was bloody hanging from the rope. I am lucky my sniper skills are still top-notch when I'm hanging upside down though I would prefer not to test it again. After that hiccup, we recovered Kate and she luckily had no physical injuries.

We returned to base that night and Price insisted I go to the med bay to get checked out. To quote his words, "You look like shit kid, get the hell to med bay before I drag you myself."

The medic rushed to treat me, but something told me that was Price's doing. They wanted to keep me here for observation due to my concussion from the explosion impact. I begged them not to I'd sleep way better in the barracks I hate the sanitary hospital smell, I even prefer the smell of gunpowder. The medic would not take no for an answer I wanted to fight them harder but they said they preferred my anger to Price's wrath. The medic left shortly after and would return sporadically to do random vital checks. At least I knew the concussion wasn't that bad as it didn't beckon me toward the darkness like other times. Though my raw skin kept me from finding any peace I honestly kind of miss the darkness. I spent the night tossing and turning the pain and clinical setting keeping sleep a far distance away from me.

The clock ticking was mocking me as I watched it hit four am. How are hospital settings supposed to help you heal when there is so much beeping and someone always coming into your room? Speaking of which I heard the door creak yet again didn't they just take my vitals ten minutes ago! I can't take this without thinking I launch the flat uncomfortable pillow at what I assumed would be the intern medic yet again only to lock eyes with Ghost looking as shocked as I did.

"That's one hell of a greeting darling," he says in his usual deep voice. My eyes are still wide with shock that I just hit my superior with a pillow but he takes this opportunity to speak again. "Heard you took flight today, Gaz was telling everyone."

I wince at the thought of everyone knowing I failed to hold on during the explosion and try to change the subject to avoid thinking about it, "Aren't you supposed to be on a mission with Soap?"

"Just got back. Johnny and Gaz are out celebrating," he responds.

"They are out celebrating at four am?" I question.

"You know Johnny no one can outdrink the Scott," he says like it's the most obvious thing the world.

"Well, why aren't you out there celebrating with them?"

"My birdy took flight and thought it only decent to check up on her," any other time I would have dwelled on the fact that he said 'my birdy' but he placed his hand on my welted ankle and I could not suppress the groan. His eyes quickly shift to concern and he rips the scratchy hospital blanket off me.

"Ghost!" I shout at him for having the audacity to rip the blanket off me. He has no right to barge in here and act like he's in charge, he may be the boss of me in the field but he is not my doctor and I do not care for showing off my nasty ass wounds to my team members.

He does not acknowledge my shout at him in the slightest instead his full attention is on my rope-burned ankles."What quack treated this," he growled.

"I'm fine," I try to yank my foot out of his grasp but he holds tighter.

"Yeah because the skin falling off your ankle looks spectacular," he says sarcastically.

"Wow you sure know how to treat a girl," I roll my eyes.

"Haven't heard any complaints," he says nonchalantly as if that innuendo wouldn't have Soap applauding.

"Seriously, it's fine. Go celebrate with the team," I assure.

"If you think I am letting you let your ankle get infected you are off your rocker. I am going to need names, sweetheart," he commands.

The nickname glides out of his mouth so easily it's as if he had said it a hundred times. I want to stay as calm and collected as him but I unfortunately stutter, "What names?" God, it's a good thing I'm a sniper and not a spy because I would be dead.

"Of the idiot docs who treated this," he speaks as if it's obvious.

I sigh, "It's not their fault... I didn't tell them. Price only knew about the concussion and I just wanted to get out of here as soon as possible."

"Ah so you're the idiot," he growls.

"Can you not be mean to me I did just fall out of a heli."

"Shut up you lived," he rolls his eyes, gently places my foot down, and turns to leave.

"Please don't take your anger out on the medics," I beg.

"Oh trust me darling I will be taking my anger out on you," he growls yet again.

I shiver, "Where are you going then?"

"To get some medical supplies for your dumbass. No one way I'm letting a medic treat you when you will just lie to them."

"What makes you think I won't lie to you?" I tease well aware that I am in no place to be teasing.

He chuckles an evil kind still it's one of the best I've heard, "Me and you both know you aren't capable of it."

He exits the room and I am unsure if I want to slap him or rip that mask off and kiss him... I am definitely incapable of either. I may be able to beat Soap, Gaz, and even Price on the mat but no one can best Ghost. I, unfortunately, hear him shouting at medics for a damn first aid kit... so much for him taking out his anger on me.

He returns rather quickly but does not speak as he meticulously places the first aid supplies by my bedside.

He pours some alcohol on my rope burn and I hiss loudly, "shit a little warning would be nice."

"You would have just fought harder. Need to clean the debris out who fuckin knows how old that rope was."

"Aw is Ghosty worried about me," I pout.

"Thought I told you and Johnny to stop calling me that, you want me to make this hurt worse than it already does?"

I roll my eyes at him and in response, he presses the gauze harder than necessary. "You asshole!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I can see his wicked smile through his balaclava.

"Yeah sure," I huff. "You know..." I smile mischievously. "This would go a lot faster if you just kissed it better."

"Oh really," I could hear the grin in his voice. I was expecting him to make some snide comment in return instead he finishes wrapping my ankle and lifts his mask to rest on the bridge of his nose.

I am sure my eyes widen to the size of saucers. I feel like a Victorian man seeing a woman's ankle. His grin widens it could only be compared to the Cheshire cat's smile. He gently lifts my ankle to his lips but does not stop there. He places delicate kisses all the way up to my thigh. I think I have officially stopped breathing. Then my heart decides to do the most embarrassing thing ever. It speeds up so atrociously fast that the monitors start beeping incredibly loud. That's it I have officially died there is no coming back my face is melting off from how flushed I am.

Ghost sits back and laughs and I mean properly laughs, I have never seen him like this. "This is a good look on you birdy all red and flustered, all for me too." He pulls his mask back down but I can still see the smile in his eyes.

"Shut up! I am a highly trained sought-after sniper, I don't get flustered!" I feel like that would have sounded better if I didn't stutter each word.

Ghost glances at my heart rate monitor, "Your heart says otherwise."

A medic comes in as the dumb machine won't stop beating, "Are you alright? You're looking quite flushed and your blood pressure is higher than it was when you first came in."

I swear I could see the smugness radiating off Ghost. God I want to strangle him.

"She's fine thanks to me," his eyes squint at me and I know he has a huge grin under that balaclava. He then turns to the medic, "Don't you know the 141 are notorious liars and the worst patients! Next time call me down here as soon as she is being treated."

The poor medic flinches at Ghost's rough voice and can barely whisper, "Yes, sir"

I mouth, 'I'm so sorry," to the medic he looks appreciative.

The medic flees as soon as my blood pressure normalizes. Ghost roughly throws his body onto the uncomfortable hospital chair and groans.

"What are you doing? Shouldn't you be going back to the barracks," I glance as he makes himself comfortable well as comfortable as one can be in a torn hospital chair.

"In a rush to get rid of me birdy?"

"Is that name going to become a thing," I roll my eyes.

"Only for me, if anyone else has the nerve to call you that I'll gut them," he replies.

"Even Johnny?"

"Especially Johnny," He grins.

I smile, "Seriously Ghost you should go sleep in your own bed that chair cannot be comfortable. I'd be in my bed if they would let me escape."

"I know you can't stand hospitals, I won't let you be sleepless and cranky alone."

"Fine, then at least share the bed with me, I forbid you from sleeping on that fifty-year-old chair."

"The fact that you think you can forbid me from doing anything sweetheart is laughable. Are you sure you want me to be over there might make your heart monitor scream again?" He makes his way over to the bed despite his words.

I roll my eyes, "I'll manage."

He lays on the small hospital bed and takes up ninety percent of it but I don't mind it because it doesn't smell like hand sanitizer and blood anymore it smells like him.

"Goodnight birdy," he kisses the top of my head and my heartrate monitor instantly starts beeping annoyingly again.

"Goddammit," I groan and he just laughs.

"You would make a terrible spy with all those emotions, you're lucky the red face works on you." he chuckles.

"You're just jealous of my amazing sniping abilities you must point out my flaws," I poke his chest.

"You ain't got no flaws birdy except the fact that you're stubborn as hell. Now go to sleep before I knock you out myself."

"Yes LT.," I fake salute him and he rolls his eyes.

Sleep comes so much faster in the med bay when you aren't alone, I wish falling asleep would always be this easy.

#simon riley x you #simon riley x y/n #simon riley x reader #ghost x y/n #ghost x you #ghost x reader #cod x reader #cod x you #cod x y/n #ghost simon riley #ghost simon riley x reader #call of duty x reader #call of duty x you #call of duty x y/n

65 notes · View notes

brwnerinq-89 · 1 day

Text

uncomfortable topics below, nsfw and sa mentions. again

Hello. I tried to log off for several weeks, but the pressure is INSANE, I felt like I needed to say something else regarding the whole situation. I repeat, I am not trying to justify my actions or excuse them, but explain whatever what was going on through my mind at the point I made these drawings, as this is what people mostly confused about (and they have their every right to be..)

First things first: I NEVER fetishized, nor romanized, nor portrayed SA as some kind of preppy h0rny ns/fw, it NEVER WAS A KINK. There are several people (???) defending me by saying like, "artists can have problematic kinks, it's just an image", BUT HELL NO. Heck NO NO NO EW. GET AWAY. It's not just an image, it never was just an image to ME. Literally the reason I made them is because I felt like a total crap from time to time and I had to DUMP my emotional distress somewhere, IT'S MY FEELINGS, MY VENT, and because I'm hypers3xual* due to SA trauma since my very young age(and at the time of writing this I'm STILL a minor), every single of my thoughts whether it's negative or not just slowly drives into suggestive stuff, ESPECIALLY if it's about characters I heavily associate myself with (B1ve). When I put them through the same situations I've once been it makes, I don't know, it makes me feel like I'm not alone? Like I understand them better? Like my heartache has been shared? If I could not put this into words and straight up put my raw thoughts on the table, I'd do this.

Do I suffer from it? YES. Does it justify my actions targeted on NOT my original characters? NO. Will I seek proffesional help? YES, THANK YOU. I'm already taking my meds that make these intrusive thoughts go away, my therapist helps me to lock down my memories and I feel cleaner than ever, this is also the reason why I can now dive deeper into this topic while also rearranging my motives piece by piece. I will never be ever returning to this way of coping anymore.

Violent art I made isn't even related to a story or hc's I made up at the time of them, it was just SOMETHING I made, felt rotten to the core, and then demolished it immediately before my eyes. It was private for a reason, It never was supposed to see the light of day, but now I see people casually saying "Oh, it's that person who draws Biv3 getting nhghnhm by MR!" and it genuinely shatters my heart. I never wanted to get known for this, I never wanted to get known for being problematic, a freak, a 🍇 supporter(???) I had a story to tell that OH MY GOD did not contain any of the violent or dark shit going on. Because it NEVER was supposed to contain one.

If I have to apologize to someone, it has to be Regretevator staff who these characters belong to for obvious reasons, and those people who randomly encountered document and felt like gagging their eyes out. Yes, same here, it's fair.

Like I said before, I'm gonna be taking a break before posting something ever again, if I ever do. I'm also taking my whole responsibility for this whole situation. Thank you for reading this if you did, and farewell. It was a very unique experience for me to have.

49 notes · View notes

madi-writes-things · 3 days

Text

Nobody Pt. 8

(C.Sturniolo X Reader)

Summary:

Chris and Y/N never seemed to get along, but sometimes help comes from the most unexpected places

Word Count: 627

TW: Cursing, SH (not in detail, but it is talked about), Blood, Hurt Comfort, Panic Attack, Crying, Nightmare (basically the scene from chapter six, but Y/N actually dies 😈…), Not Edited

A/N: I promise it will get happier at some point... sorry it’s short, part nine will be longer 🤭

-Madi <3

“”“”“”“”“”

Chris’s POV (possibly triggering content)

I finally manage to bust the door down, the sight before me brings me to my knees.

nononononono…

Y/N is slouched over in a sea of red, is she breathing? Please be breathing…

I finally crawl over to her, pulling her face up towards me. Her glazed over eyes stare past me. “Baby, please don’t do this… don’t be gone… you don’t have to go… please-.” I pull her lifeless body into mine as I beg her to stay… I can’t do this without her. Every time I try to scream for help my voice fails me… so I just sit with her, praying this isn’t real. This can’t be real.

“”“”“”“”“”

My eyes shoot open when I feel someone shaking me gently. "It's ok... just a dream, it's not real."

I hear her voice before I see her face. When I finally register what is happening, it hits me like a truck. My hands quickly find their way to Y/N's face, making sure that the girl on top of me is actually real... she looks into my eyes like I'm some sort of a hurt puppy. I pull her into my chest, whispering sweet nothings into her hair as tears stream down my face. Once my breathing is under control, I readjust us so that we can go back to sleep.

“”“”“”“”“”

Y/N's POV

Chris's alarm wakes me up, I quickly throw my hand over to turn it off. When I finally allow my eyes to open I see Chris staring down at me, his arms wound tightly around my waist.

“What?” I giggle out, seeing his heart eyes.

“Nothing… just thinking about how lucky I am to be holding you right now.” I can tell that he means it, but a part of me still refuses to accept that anyone could actually love me… especially after what I’ve done. “What going on in that mind of yours?”

I sit up, trying to decide whether or not to bring it up. He just keeps staring, and I can’t stop myself from opening my mouth. “I know that the nightmares are my fault… you don’t have to lie about it.”

The look in his eyes changes from one of unconditional love into something more like horror. I watch him sputter and try to defend himself, and that’s when it hits me.

“I’m not angry…” His head snaps up to meet my eyes. “I just wish that you felt like you could talk to me.” No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop a few tears from rolling down my cheeks.

“Baby… it’s not that I don’t feel like I can talk to you, I just don’t want you to feel like any of this is your fault.” His hand quickly wipes away a tear, before returning his lap.

I burst into tears. “But it is! There is nobody else to blame. Matt can barely look at me, you are having nightmares multiple times a week… and it’s all my fault!”

“Hey!” I’ve never heard Chris raise his voice like this before. “You don’t get to talk about my girlfriend like that… none of what has happened to you is your fault. You have been dealt a shitty hand in life, but you are trying to make the best of it…”

Chris pulls me into his arms, rubbing my back. “Me, Matt, and Nick all have our own shit going on too… but you didn’t cause any of it. Matt has always struggled with his anxiety, and I’ve always struggled with nightmares and processing the things that I’ve gone through.”

I pull back to look into his eyes. “Do you really mean that?” He just nods, the hearts returning to his eyes.

“”“”“”“”“”

@unbruisable @bernardsbendystraws @sturniolo-fann @jnkvivi @stasiesturn

@h3arts4harry @slutforsturniolos

#madi writes things #chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo imagine #chris x reader #sh!reader

26 notes · View notes

inconsistent-kuroshitsuji-blog · 3 days

Note

Hello. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask for headcanons about the kuro characters and their favourite video game genres/series? ^_^

Absolutely.

Kuro characters and their favourite video game genres/series

don't know why, but he looks like he'd enjoy simulator games

if Black Butler would've happened in the modern day (and someone would've taught this grandpa how to use technology) he would probably used these to learn the things he needs to know as a human

cooking simulator (or Cooking Mama), school simulator, anything that could be useful like that

definitely also enjoys slasher games

simply judging by the way he enjoyed that bloodbath on the Campania, he'd looooooove extremely violent games

idk, I don't know too many in that genre, but Dead by Daylight could be one of his faves

but nothing with guns. Those things are beneath him. He wants the real thrill of the kill

oh, please, as if he'd even know what that is

he doesn't even have time for this

imagine the hours wasted on lines of code and digital pixels

do you know that one game where it's basically like a VR job simulator with different kinds of jobs like cook or office or gas station? Instead of humans, the NPCs are robots that insult you at every given opportunity and set you up for failure. Yeah, he'd like that.

also, Powerwash Simulator

ok, stereotypical, but dress up games

especially Style Savvy (ngl, these games are way too good)

other than that, she seems like a casual enjoyer of Animal Crossing

except that she bullies all the ugly neighbours off of her island and hunts for very specific characters (so basically like me)

another obvious choice is Bayonetta

I mean, have you looked at her? Slashing her way through demons and angels while having chainsaws for arms and legs? The cunty outfits?

Let me tell you: Bayonetta and Grell? An iconic match made in heaven

I can't decide

either he's a die-hard Mario Kart player or a huge Sonic enthusiast (the older games, not the newer ones)

he probably doesn't have enough time to really play though, since he's either out working overtime or out partying

he doesn't seem like a shooter person

okay, this is coming out of me because of a huge lack of sleep (it's currently 1 am where I'm living), but why does he look like he would drunkenly play Fortnite or Roblox?

"You got games on your phone?" No, back the fuck up dude. You're an adult.

Why did I just write that? Inco, what's wrong with you?

this is very specific, but that one Coraline game for the Wii and the DS

he's definitely leaning more towards psychological horror games

American McGee's Alice and Alice: Madness Returns. You can't convince me otherwise

he's an unfairly skilled Mario Kart player, to the point that it almost seems like he's cheating (he's 100% cheating, just like when playing Uno)

on the other hand, he's a huuuuge sucker for Kirby games

doesn't matter what type or gimick, he loves it and has perfected it down to the last frame

but you'd never know unless he wanted you to know (and I know it because I am God and run on my last bar of my batterie and because he's officially and undeniably my husband, deal with it. Omfg, this is so fucking cringe, I'm gonna go shoot myself, I'll be right back.)

well, first of all, you need to explain everything to him because he couldn't even read the instructions on the screen (I'm 100% convinced that his eyesight is pure batshit and he's just cheating his way through the manga through some deus-ex-machina type of shit)

newsflash, but he loves horror games

I really see him with games like Resident Evil or Don't Starve Together

also, Undetale

you know, because of morals and choices and consequences and all that (surely not because of a skeleton with dry humour)

maybe it would help to show him a bathing simulator so this crusty man learns how to clean himself

is it too obvious and on the nose to say The Mortuary Assistant?

omg, look at him! My boy! Finally animated! I love him so much! My boy!

ahem, so anyway...

Trombone Champ

he'd play it on his loudest speakers just to annoy the hell out of everyone

also, you know those really cheap horror games you can find on Steam that are really terrible? He lives for those

idk why, but he seems like he'd enjoy Portal

and Assassin's Creed. Especially the first four mainline games

continueing with puzzle games, he really enjoys Professor Layton, no doubt

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it for now. It's almost 2 am and I have to help out at a sports event I only registered for to watch some random kids suffer in the heat. But now I have to wake up early for that... Oh, how ironically bitchy life is. And to top it all of I have to work the graveyard shift today. Coffee and energy will be my best friend today.

So, yeah, that's it for now. Or maybe not, maybe I'll pull an all-nighter simply so I can't oversleep. If you're up for a part 2 just slide into my requests and I'll see what I can do.

Until then~

Your Inconsistent Kuroshitsuji Blog~

23 notes · View notes

kaledya · 2 days

Note

Oh Kaledya, 😭

Holy shit !

I almost strangled myself seeing Lolicia drawing by you again ! She is so pretty in your style, my baby, *ugly cry*. I will try to draw her as you did ! It will be fun ! Thank you for the gift! Really. I will put it on the characters glossary at the beginning of the fanfic ! I really love the shape of her eyes you did and the hairstyles ! Everything. Thank you!

And I will answer here for the previous post :

Thank you again for Lolicia compliments ! I want to draw her with Constantine or Serenity but I'm so scared to not draw them good. Perhaps with time ! I will give you a gift back !

I'm glad you having fun with the "characters interactions chapters" ! Its fun to write too even if a bit challenging because they all have different personality and I try to make it great for all. Also Alastor and Lolicia dialogue was nice and I love the 1920s slang !

And yes Monet, as you described her, would hate that Charlie said the Clown Pageant is less popular ahah

And yes, also I have a question for the timelines !

For me, it was like this from what you told on YouTube posts for the storyline :

- Charlie's bonding activities - then Lucifer comes to see the Hotel - Lucifer breaks his silence and talk to Michael - Charlie goes to Heaven and meet the 6 Archangels with the songs inspired by epic (heaven arc) - Charlie after the trial need to make proof that the hotel works - Azrael say the hotel is not touched by the Extermination - Then the Greatest Song, Man (Greatest show man mini arc) - Meeting with the Overlords (introduction of the Vees)

Because the Vees are main villains in SS AU, right?

- Alastor "reunion" with Serinity after she takes his defence on the meeting - Alastor VS Vox (like stayed gone) - And somewhere Angel Dust business with Valentino and Charlie show her authority. - [...]

This is how I plan it, but if you preferred i can change it and do the greatest show man arc before the heaven arc ?

You can choose ! Because I'm not sure if I understand right.

Thank you and you are a wonderful artist and creator ! 🌸🌟 Thank you again for the gift (screaming)

Sorry the message was way too long

Have a great day as always- marquisev

First of all, I'm so glad you liked my fanart! Seriously, drawing Lolicia was a pleasure!🌟❤️

And I'm so glad to hear that you want to draw Serenity and Constantine, and don't worry.I will Love how you draw them in any way . Also, I really liked your drawing style, the art you put in the fanfic were really great.

I seriously think you have a beautiful talent!❤️

This was the plan I had in mind.

But I am not a writer and I think you will make the best decision and this is your story, you can write it however you want, you don't even have to ask me❤️

The plan I have in mind:

In my AU, I generally left the issues related to Heaven until later (season 2).

In my mind, the first season is about the members of the hotel forming bonds and starting to support each other.It included character development of characters like Angel and Husk. That's why the greatest showdemon arc happened at the beginning of the first season and the team was starting to work with each other and really get to know each other.As the season progresses,

the Overlord meeting

(Alastor knows who Misfortune is. In his past, Alastor tried to hunt Serenity like other overlords, but Serenity ended it with a conversation instead of a fight.They have no friendship. Serenity revealed her identity after arriving at the hotel in the 2nd season

(The reason for this was that Season 2 was generally related to the backgrounds of the characters, and since Serenity was directly connected to Alastor's background, I put her in that section)

Alastor's fight with Vox, Angel's confrontation with Val, Mentioning the past of Husk and Angel (This part takes place in the scene where Angel and Husk are discussing their problems before the song Loser Baby)

Constantine is also a character from Season 1. After the Greatest Showdemon arc (Not exactly after that arc, but I didn't know exactly which events to put. After the team members and the hotel have seriously improved) when the hotel makes serious progress, Charlie invites her brother to the hotel to show her progress. (Charlie and Lucifer's relationship is seriously bad in this AU, so Charlie doesn't try to reach her father,she thinks "he won't listen to me anyway)

And Constantine, who saw sinners improving in a truly strange way He gets the proof he wants And after this thing, he personally goes to his Father and says these words to Lucifer after a serious conversation.

"I will not repeat myself again, father. Consider this as a warning from your son. Either you put your pride aside and go to your daughter and listen to her ideas and plans. or As a result of the decision you made, not only will you lose your daughter whom you love dearly, but you will also not have a son. Make your choice father, you don't have much time. Until then, I hope you have fun in your eternal loneliness."

After this conversation, Lucifer comes to the hotel and confronts Charlie. listens to her ideas.

I don't have a full timeline, but in general, all the events I write about happen before the heaven arc.I wanted Charlie to go to heaven with as much evidence as possible and to gain self-confidence and become more of a leader in the meantime.

If I were to write in summary form. (I don't write in the form of a timeline, just events)

Season 1

-Charlie's meeting with Adam

-Team bonding

-Greatest show demon arc (this is included in the team's bonding tool)

-Overlord meeting

-Vox and AI fight

-Angel getting rid of Val

-Constantinen's arrival at the hotel.

(There may be a lot different arcs in this season, I really don't know, most things are still WIP)

SEASON 1 in general A season where the Vees are the main enemies.

Season 2 (The main enemy in this season may be Roo, but I don't know)

-Serenity comes to the hotel

-Lucifer comes to the hotel

-Charlie goes to heaven alone.

-she meets all the true archangels one by one and finally tries to convince Azrael.

So yes, these are what I have in mind, but my thoughts are generally WIP.As I said, this is your story and I'm not a good writer, so it would probably be better if you decide the plot yourself! 🌟❤️

If this is the way you planned, you can use this plan too! This is your story, you can write it however you want🌟

---

Thank YOU SO much🌟

And it's really nothing, drawing Lolicia was a real pleasure❤️❤️

Have a great day too!

29 notes · View notes

drowninginblox · 3 days

Text

Thoughts on Fit's Last QSMP stream- spoilers ahead

It is Thursday, May 23rd, 2024. 2:36pm EST when writing. And I am disappointed in myself. Not for anything Fit, the server, the admins, or anyone besides me has done.

I hoped. And once again, I am expectedly crushed. I had a feeling that Fit would take himself out of the equation in the way he did. There would be no Pac Camio (ghost or living), no sight of Ramon either. Just business, as Fit is one to do.

But god did I hope for something out of a fanfiction. The biggest contenders were Pac's ghost or a hallucination speaking to Fit at the bottom of that damn hole to prep and escort him to the afterlife where everyone was waiting for them. OR the idea that Fit, after returning to the island, would kill himself in a similar but unique way to Pac and Mike. Regardless, neither happened. But I am very happy in what I witnessed.

I won't get into too much there will be vod watchers who accidentally stumble into Tumblr- to which I tell you, GO WATCH THE DAMN VOD.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed the Fit abused in-game mechanics to justify his survival down there. However, it calls into question whether or not he took up cannibalism again (writers you know what to do) in which I digress cus that a conversation within itself. I also appreciated that Fit made the effort to check up on more people other than just Pac and Ramon. It sounds like "Yeah, ofc." but let us remember that most of us (and I could be wrong) are shippers, and our yearning for Hideduo kind of blindsided the other relationships q!fit has. (This applies to me to just so yall know)

What fit did to justify or at least give credence to Ramon's character was sweet and I really hope we get some Ramon-centric fics about the possibility of his survival in an otherwise abandoned world, similar to his father. I may do that on my own but definitely not today. Mr. Fit Em See fucking wrecked me and I really could use some fluff right now. Whether it be at my own hand or someone else's, I could not care less.

Hueveitos, we are all going through it. And I bet on all the money I have that Twitter is going insane, Tumblr is dying, and Fit is either taking a well-deserved break or laughing his ass off at us. Probably both knowing that fucker. The brilliant bitch he is. I apologize for not liveblogging, I was enamored with what was going on. But we all were lol

Anyway, I'm probably gonna listen to the music Fit included in the finale and daydream of better days for q!Fit. Ones where, maybe, in another life, something happened on Madagascar's end where the tech didn't work and Fit was suspended in the QSMP for the rest of his natural life. Maybe Ramon is fine enough and just wondering, looking for Fit in an otherwise empty world. Hell, in another life, Pac waited longer for his American boyfriend. Maybe everyone did. Maybe the kids didn't get sick, maybe they all died a week or so after they were found. Who knows!

But with what we were given, and who we had to spend that time with, I know that I'll always look back on the Qsmp in a similar vein to another sorry sap of a sever I know. The memories will persist, the story will continue to be told. The world will keep spinning, and I will keep writing.

Thank you to everyone who was involved in the experience whether it be seen or unseen admin, CC's who somehow found this post on a hellcite, any and all fandom goers that I have stumbled upon in search of solace from the canon, and my girl over discord! I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL BUT YOU'VE HELPED ME GET THROUGH THE LAST LEG OF THIS JOURNEY!!

Here's to tomorrow everyone, regardless of what happens! I love this community and I sure as shit hope you guys don't become strangers!

#qsmp fitmc #q!fitmc #q!fit #qfit #q fitmc #q fit #qsmp

21 notes · View notes

junejasprose-addict · 13 hours

Text

I'm moving different

We smoking juju

She tried doing psionics on my ass, i snapped her silver cord in half and flossed with it. This shit ain't nothing to me man

where moving different man. where making this hapen

My money longer than act 6

I make more money in a week than crockercorp does in a year

Yesterday i killed someone over vriscourse

You wouldn't survive a day in my session. Just to challenge myself, I prototyped my kernel sprite with heroin laced garlic bread and the taxidermy wooly mammoth I keep in my trophy crypt. Every imp had the vengeful spirits of extinction in them, and their blood was poison. I felt alive

Kanaya thinks she's a rainbow drinker, but she's not him. I am!

I'm already him

I'm the ultimate him

I read all 8000 pages of himstuck

I'm a member of the himnight crew

I died in my quest coffin and ascended to him tier, and nothing changed, because ive always been him

We smoking that sburban jungle trickster mode post canon god tier build grist

That tentabulge got me feeling disappointed and inert

My hands can coexist with your crushed wind pipe you stupid bitch

I fought the homestuck, I put the clown down

I'm dracula. I'm 12 million years old. I'm thinking different. I made sburb. I programmed that shit, waited a few millenia, then put it on some random kids' computers, and now we're here. This was always the plan

I flipped a brick to the batterwitch hours before [s] collide, she was high off her ass when them kids beat the shit out of her. Now I have a whole new universe to fuck with

Got it all on camera, put live leak out of business

She sucked my meat AND my candy. I had a picnic on her ass

That green skeleton king put a tooth in me, I got quantum poisoning, so she fucked me in the back of my dead dad's 2007 Volkswagen beetle before my family reunion

I don't pull out, I sylladex the cum before it can reach her cruxite dowel

I alchemized a 1399 bottle of mead with a pound of crack, cost me more grist then there are stars in the milky way. When I woke up, I was naked and afraid

Hussie tried to kill me, they forgot that you can't fight the dracula

Bec noir whimpered when he saw my fangs, he knew his time was up

I did something wrong

Ultimate self? Fuck that, I killed every other version of myself in all of paradox space. Well, except for junedraculasprite^2, she was kinda chill

My balls smoother than doc scratch's head

This zaza got terezi loco

This Zaza got terezi sane

Junejasprose is all I think about

I fucked a horrorterror, worst mistake of my life. I had tentacles clogging up my sylladex, and I had several bricks at the bottom of my deck. Took 30 business days for me to get to that shit, money hemorrhaging more than my ass was

I showed up to the convention in my thief of blood god tier clothes, when a pack of eridan cosplayers made fun of my hairline. Now they're thralls in my basement, playing jump rope with each other's intestines

I snapped a horn off of some dude's skull and grafted it onto my own. Then we had a unicorn joust, and I skewered his stupid ass. Blue rained on me like I was Brad armstrong

Princes don't live in ships, they sleep in coffins. Only gills you'll have is the bite marks on your neck

This shit ain't nothing to me man

#homestuck #dracula flow

17 notes · View notes

uncanny-tranny · 5 months

Text

I think such a big reason my trans manhood feels almost... bigendered is simply because in the eyes of most people (specifically cis people with whom I interact with most), I straddle this weird line wherein I am a man and often am seen as one, but I am also clearly undefinable insofar as cis theory goes, clearly queer, clearly outside of manhood if one only accepts cishet, patriarchal manhood. This definitely used to be a source of dysphoria for me, but I think now that I've transitioned, it's been interesting to explore this more. Am I wholly a man? Yes. Am I a man of multitudes? Yes. Do these multitudes contradict? Well, that depends on your definition of "contradiction"

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #nonbinary #i've been thinking more about multigenderedness and i think my own experiences are nuanced in such a way where i am both...#...not multigendered but also am. i am constantly in a state of being and unbeing...#...and i guess to many that's insanity but to me it just feels like a consequence of living in the world we live in #i can fully accept my manhood whilst also recognizing that we really do Live In a Society and i want to explore that #i don't consider myself GNC at all because i do not feel like i am 'nonconforming' to manhood...#...but i DO feel as though my trans manhood is in a way bigendered #the guys that get it get it and the guys that don't don't #and similarly #the girls that get it get it and the girls that don't don't #i don't think it's a coincidence that i've started exploring this after going on T...#...i've only recently been comfortable with doing this because i'm. actually fucking happy. for once. and that's given me more interest...#...in actually knowing who i am. who knew. because before i knew enough of who i was but didn't give a shit about myself and. that SUCKED

340 notes · View notes

genericpuff · 4 months

Text

vent post

#and before anyone who hates my shit says “yeah because you ARE a loser way to have self awareness for once”#i promise you this would be me with or without the LO fandom LMAO #anxiety is a hell of a thing #and as much as i internally guilt myself into thinking it would be better if i just shut up and hid away forever #i also know that's the trauma speaking because the adults around me always told me to shut up #and even as an adult i still encounter people who talk over me and make me feel like i'm not allowed to be outspoken #but the pen is mightier than the sword and all those years i've spent being spoken over i've been honing my penmanship #i have fun talking about the things i talk about and i don't have any less right than anyone else to do it #i am cringe and i am free #self post #vent post #altho on another note i do wanna make time this week to go find new series to read #too many of my favorites have turned to shit and it's taken its toll #i KNOW there are better comics out there that are genuinely well made #i already have a few that i'm reading that i love but i need to balance out the good with the bad more lol #i just need to take the time to go find good stuff instead of pouring so much of my attention into the bullshit that doesn't deserve my tim #i think both things can be true #i can have a lot of fun dissecting and writing about series i don't like #while also nourishing myself with good works that restore my faith in this medium #“perfectly balanced as all things should be”

273 notes · View notes

spotlightstudios · 11 months

Text

Wizard 101: Hey kid, you just got pulled into Wizard School, and it looks like you're ready to start. Go down that path and someone will teach you to fight. Oh shit, that's Malistare, uhhhh, *one minor battle later* Good job kid. Go and do some little quests and beat up some fairies, you're doing great! :)

Pirate 101: You're in jail. Pirates are breaking you out of jail! They're... asking about your trauma. You're a pirate, an orphan, the son of a whore and a scotsman, you were raised by another group of people, now you're pulling a jail break and helping other prisoners escape! A uhhh, a guy threatens to murder you. He's the one who locked you up. The pirate guy almost dies and you have to drive his ship??? *one stressful sail later* Hey kid, go beat up this guy who stole from me. I'm gonna cheat and scam you, btw, just so you know. :)

#light's spot #W101 #P101 #pirate101 #wizard101 #I'm biased because I'm a Wizard thru and thru #but I played Pirate yesterday and am losing my mind over the shift of tone #in w101 it's like sure I'm the hero of the spiral but it's a story of training and growth and friendship #in p101 it's like I'm a wanted criminal yet I don't have a ship or a name for myself nor a crew and this Armada guy really wants to murder #me specifically???#anyways #Silent Ryan Ironside is my mute pirate and Subodai will forever be my first mate because we're bound by mutual imprisonment and escape #<- She's a Swashbuckler and was raised in Grizzleheim btw. her parents were killed in a mutiny #pretty sure she became a mute after her parents were killed and the Grizzleheim bears gave her the name “Silent” and she took the lastname #of “Ironside” while she was in their care because she'd shoulder her way into battle #fun shift of pace from Natalie BlueFlower who was just like #huh I'm an ice wizard now- HOLY SHIT I'M GETTING MAGICKED AT-#and then never stopped being magicked at lmao

268 notes · View notes

givemewallywestorgivemedeath · 6 months

Text

Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

#started anti depressants recently. kinda had an epiphany. i can't hate who i was. if i met me now i wouldn't blame that tiny child #for their rancid beliefs or for being dragged to protests. because thats a CHILD. i HAVE met kids in that position and i feel nothing but #pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard?#i could not have known what i know now at 6 or 8 or 10. the same way that i could not have written a college level essay at that age #but i did what i could. in my own 8 y/o way. i believed in love and humanity and happiness. i was just misguided in the 'hows' of it all #and i am so so so so so proud. of every single microscopic step that i took. every question i asked. every thought that i hid and protected #and pondered secretly at night until new ideas and doubts bloomed like a dandelion through the pavement #and I'm so proud that i chased that doubt. that i asked why why why why until their ears bled and their voices were raw #until their answers stopped adding up. until i sought knowledge elsewhere with a mind dehydrated and malnourished and begging for knowledge #in any form i could get. i just. if i could hug that kid? if i could right now reach out and give that terrified and lonely child a hug?#i would. a million times over.#anyway sorry for the intense personal rant I'm just going through it rn and I'm like.... actually feeling alright #its wild. did you guys know about this??? anti depressants make you NOT depressed??? shits insane fam #irl #personal

74 notes · View notes