#just mad about life again <3

[needylittlegirl]

ahh i feel yucky

#just mad about life again <3 #mad that my doctors told me not to go to college yet #and now that i probably could if this medicine works #i dont see the point anymore #what i wanted to do wouldnt get me anywhere #i just found that out without even trying it for myself #like i guess its good cause i dont have loans lol! #but i wish i wouldve had one shot to try it out #like. im a kid im supposed to find stuff out the hard way right?? #yeah i got the easy way out financially and time wise but. i didnt even get to try i didnt even get to see what it couldve been like #and im mad i spent all of my youth with my shitty stupid ex that just had to rape and abuse me like it didnt even matter #im mad that he gets to ruin any future relationship i have even though he isnt around anymore #it isnt fair none of its fair #im gonna be 21 next month and all i know is not even getting the chance to fail and not even knowing what love is supposed to look like #what do i have to show for any of it? #i look at people i grew up around and theyre all finding their ways and doing things we talked about when we were kids #ive always felt like im just watching everyone grow up like a tv. im just sitting infront of it and theyre all going #and i thought maybe that wouldve changed by now i thought maybe id catch up #maybe i was naive or stupid to think it would change because it hasnt #im scared that im just gonna be one of those people that just doesnt really ever do anything #and it wasnt even up to me! i had such big dreams and then i had to have some stupid pains #and some stupid doctor had to tell me to hold off for a year #and its like the drain was pulled in a bathtub and everything just started to go down #whatever #im done ill be fine #tbd

[damnation-if]

Hi, I just played the demo and I loved it! I was wondering if you could give us an estimate of when the next update is coming?👉👈 (Or link a relevant post, if you already talked about and I just didn't scroll down far enough to see it 😆)

Also, I wanted to check, can you be in a romantic relationship with more than one character, and not just a sexual one? Because I might be in love with every single character in this game 🤭

hi, thank you! i'm glad you're enjoying the game :) i've answered the question about romancing multiple characters a couple of times in a couple of different asks but the posts all kind of link back to each other so you should be able to find all the info by. following the various links in each ask i think, starting here XD

i'm going to put the answer to your other question under a cut because some of it is quite emotional for me

i did Sort Of talk about this at the time when it happened, by which i mean that rather than making a post, i talked about it in the tags of an unrelated post i was using to distract myself (i think it was character playlists and how i'm not sure if it's a good idea to do them or not if i recall), but earlier this year while i was already going through a really rough time, my laptop died and i lost a lot of work on the game.

i knew my laptop was old and that this was possibly approaching so i made regular backups and the good news is that because i write in a separate word document and keep backups of those also i didn't actually lose any Writing. however. my twine has a problem in that every second or third game file that i publish from the build is Haunted - it contains passages i removed weeks ago, or writing that i deleted long before publishing it, that kind of weird annoying shit. (other authors have seen my files do this lmfao) and i just have to hope that the backups i make either won't be needed or aren't haunted. anyway... because hope is futile, the last backup i made was indeed haunted, and utterly useless to me as a recovery file. because it's just twine, i still have all the writing, as i mentioned... but i would have to re-code the entire chapter and put it all back together again because of how much the file did not export, which is a complicated and daunting process.

so i made a rambling explanation of this in the tags of a post and decided to take maybe a couple of days off and cool down from this specific disaster before getting into it.

i wake up the next morning to find the IF community absolutely plastered all over with Helpful Informative PSA posts about how Silly it is not to make backups and how if you just make backups you'll never have problems again and you should know better than to not make backups.

now. i'm not a catastrophist. i know for a fact that nobody was making or spreading these posts out of cruelty or a desire to make me feel bad. i also know that it's not particularly realistic to expect people who don't even know me to hunt down the source of a piece of hearsay that's like "i heard from someone that someone said that an author lost a bunch of their files and is really upset about it" to find out what the situation is and whether or not it's what they imagine. i don't even think the vast majority of people knew who it was that was the author involved, or who i am either.

but to already be going through an extremely stressful time and then lose my laptop on top of that and then be obliquely referenced by people i thought of as my peers as kind of just a big silly bumbling goose who didn't know how to manage my files and a "don't be like this person" attitude really, really hurt me. i can't express just how deeply it hurt me. one particular author was openly laughing at me and saying it was my own fault for being too stupid to make backups using a certain twine peripheral program.

so. there was a period of time where i could have found the motivation to just restart the whole chapter myself and re-code it in a frenzy because i wanted to get right back into writing it because. like a lot of authors, i LOVE writing. that's why i do this even when it's difficult. but that potential recovery was sandblasted away by the reactions of people that i thought of as my colleagues in some sense (even though i understand that they didn't do it with bad intentions, in most cases). and i hope people can understand that it greatly lengthened the amount of time i needed to spend away from the game recovering emotionally, despite being a Very Small issue to most people. i'm literally upset again just typing out this answer lmfao

however one other small piece of good news is that my laptop seemingly just lost the ability to turn itself on (because of its age) so i Think the hard drive is intact. meaning that i think i can get someone to pull all the files off it and just have them back fine once i do. the other piece of bad news is that my life is a trainwreck! and i cannot afford that right now. which is why i sort of pivoted to writing the 2000 follower celebration sidegame as a way to enjoy myself while i hurtle through hell sdjgbdfhfdgh

shortly after this thing with the laptop the house i was living in was sold out from underneath me, even though it wasn't supposed to be, and i had to find somewhere to live with my 18 year old cat, but the city i lived in had zero places that would allow cats (they're totally fine with Dogs though of course) so i had to move to an entirely new city on my own while worrying about her health. and right now i spend every fortnight desperately trying to scrape together enough to survive the next fortnight. there were entire months where i had no access to internet! it's been pretty Bad!!

so i get that people really want updates, and i'm really flattered that people do and it makes me happy that people like the game so much. but i am currently expending so much time and energy trying not to die lmfao, and i need to save up the money to get my files back around that. i truly cannot tell you when the next update will be, but i promise you that it Haunts me, probably more than you can imagine XD the sidegame will Definitely come out before it though, if that's something you're looking forward to.

thank you again for your message, and i'm sorry that i don't have good news for you. but i am trying, constantly. every day.

#what does the chaos mirror see #eternal-flame #i hope it doesn't come across like i'm mad about this question because i'm not<3 #it's just that my life is really terrible! and i constantly feel tense and upset about it! lmfao #i was SO nervous when i published the game for the first time that the build i published would be a haunted one lmfao #literally combing through every single accessible passage with a magnifying glass to make sure it wasn't #would it have been better to get the haunting out of the way with publishing the game or keep it for this backup problem?? i don't know #wish it just wouldn't do it i guess. but then again i haven't noticed it as a problem since getting my new laptop #so hopefully i won't have to worry about it in future #hurgh... still not over this properly i guess lmao

[da-proti-toku-grem]

why can't anyone understand that everyone is different and not everyone likes the same things and that it's completely okay AND normal for someone not to like going out and preferring to stay at home :/

#honestly i understand that my parents care about me and they don't want me to be feeling bad #and that they ask me bc they just want to make sure i'm okay #but i've explained to them what i feel like and they just don't get and i get mad but i akso know it's not their fault and just... oughhhhh #like yeah i have a weird kind of social anxiety according to my therapist and even she doesn't know exactly how to help me yet #but there are just so many reasons behind why i don't like going out and it's not just bc it gives me anxiety #or why those situations give me anxiety in the forst place #1. i'm just a very introverted person that doesn't like going out #2. crowded places/closed spaces/places where there's not enough ventilation/loud places (be it people talking or just music) overwhelme me #3. all said in 2 + flashing lights give me huge migraines that can linger for over 3 days #4. i am very much a night owl and i'm forced to live in a society where that isn't fucking acceptable apparently and i'm called lazy for - #- not being productive in the morning when the only reason behind it is that i am a lot more productive at night #but no one ket's me do that bc 'why are you doing stuff when you're supposed to be asleep?' #i have been the same since i was little. literally nothing has changed #and people where always like 'oh she's just shy' #but idk wtf changed #maybe it was that i became and 'adult' or maybe the fact that i started therapy and they told my parents that i have social anxiety. idk #but suddenly every single person in my family is worried about it and they're genuinely making me feel like there's smth wrong about me #i mean. i have my problems i'm not gonna go telling you that i'm perfect bc i'm pretty much not #but is there really smth that wrong with me that i need to fix #or is society just a bitch that doesn't understand that there's different kinds of people and everyone is different & IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY #have they ever thought about the fact that maybe these situations cause me anxiety bc i've been forced all my life to do them #even if i don't like them #instead of thinking that i don't like them BC they cause me anxiety?? #i mean. i know i have to go out more and that there's tons of things i can do ofc #but you can't just force me to do things i don't want to and put on a good face while doing it *every.fucking.day* #aaaaand i could add a lot more things but i'm once again reaching the tag limit so i shoukd just shut up #it's just driving me crazy bc i know they're trying to help but it really is not helping at all............. #ranting

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things???? #i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk ! #be nice its so easy ! #tbd

[blushinggoku]

Been watching some dbs related videos and I'm sosoo glad I gave up on that anime because oh my god the story gets worse with every arc. Wtf are they even doing anymore

#watched a vid summarizing the granolah arc and literally genuinely what was that #my favorite part was when frieza showed up outta nowhere with a new form he'd cultivated #in a alternate dimension that distorts time in a similar way that the room of space and time does #proceeded to one hit kill the big bad of the week. knock out goku and vegeta for shits and giggles and then dip #hilarious #but it was meant to be totally serious and to show that frieza's totallyyyy a threat again guys for real lets goo round 3 #and that was literally the most interesting part of the arc #Im so mad about the fucking bardock retcon #but not about the hypothetical wish he made. I remember reading somewhere that the English translation of the manga was incorrect #and ik a lot of people argue that the wish he made just retconned the whole message of dragon ball #but thats based on the English version of the manga #also speaking of bardock and retcons related to him Im still livid over the fact that they changed goku's origin story #to be an almost exact ripoff of superman's #and they retconned the start of the saiyan arc with that too #radirz said goku was sent to earth to destroy it as a baby. but now goku was sent to earth on purpose to save his life? #bullshit. I call bullshit #man Im sorry that most of my original posts so far have related to me bitching about Super #I want to engage with dragon ball contentbso bad but how can I when mostly everything is about Super now? #can't even read a good fanfic without goku's character being bastardized and infantalized the way it is in Super #literally fouvd my dream fic the other day but it got ruined 12 chapters in because the writer had started watching super #and completely changed the plit of the fic and goku's character to fit into the world where super resides and it made me want to eat glass #I will be more funny and talk about better dbz related stuff soon I prommy <3 #star scrambles

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’ #which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16! #he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’ #so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident! #so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

[capriszn]

almost every cdrama i‘ve watched could have been a 10/10 if it wasn’t for those last ten minutes packed with the entire finale like every single one without fail got that rushed ending…. why do they keep doing this to me stop

#literally every single one!!! i feel like theres gotta be some sort of rule for screenwriters #and i mean the 10/10 i enjoy the storylines so much and theyre not comparable to kdramas like people would like to think #but they always do everything in the last few minutes and it takes away so much from the story #wifty is the only one i accept bc they fast forwarded their future and that drama actually changed my life lmao i think abt them every day #even a river runs through it which started of as my new absolute favorite show..whyd they reunite in the last 3 minutes i was MAD #but i can accept it bc i still love them sm #but the two most unforgivable ones are meet yourself which is also one of my favorites bc you robbed me of my wedding lmao #second one arsenal military academy bc they just walked into the sunset and they didnt show any of the characters again???? bruh #and i will also forever complain about love like the galaxy which had me obsessed and hooked like no other show i actually lost sleep over i #BUT MY WEDDING!!!!! give me my wedding scene please i am mentally ill and i hate marriage irl so of course i need dramas to end in weddings #anyways. i love cdramas #i have watched more cdramas in 6 months than a decade of watching kdramas bc i always drop them lmao #but please give those stories and characters proper endings im begging you atp its dishonoring the material lmao #personal

[yoohyeontual]

Gonna leave my CV to my maybe futur job later today

#I’m excited but also terrified BFKSBDJ #they hired someone already but they don’t think they are gonna stay for long so they are going to put me at the top of the list #and it’s the same place my mom applied and they say they would make an exception for me cause they really want my mom to work there <3 #working with my mom is going to be fun unless she’s having a bad day then it would be hell 😳 #but like it’s the perfect place for me 😭 #I’m mad my dad didn’t think of me first but also my mom really need a new job but my mom litterally can go anywhere bfksbd #but hey it’s just for now honestly it’s 25h so like more than double my last job and I had enough to pay for my phone and Sowon’s things #so I will have extra money to buy things that make me happy and plan my futur #cause I also don’t know what to do with my life yet bfksbd #If it works I won’t have to call and cancel #my meeting with my social worker 😭 #cause we agree we would put it at another time if I haven’t found a job or if my quiz results weren’t ready which is the only thing #we would talk about so if I didn’t work on finding a job we would only have the test and for now the test is not even done 😭 #the medical clinic called yesterday but haven’t call again or called on our personal phone so idk if it was for this #can’t wait to know what’s probably ‘’wrong’’ with me bfkdbdjdj #alex.txt

[gilliontidestriderchampionoftheu]

i had a dream that i got some kind of pd spin-off graphic novel and it was so cool :'( if only she was real

#my post #its so funny bcus i have like. minimal knowledge of what pd is even ABOUT #its uh. kids becoming super heroes. right? #my brain's spin-off was some kind of backstory? where ig theyd been trying to put together a team of kid heroes for a while? #but all the kids kept dying #but bcus i only know like. 4 characters from this series. my brain threw in random ccs for the rest of the characters #like sIimecicIe was there as an adult hero. goop man of course #and then?? cbench was there??? #but also tommys girlfriend????????????? even in the dream i didnt know why she was there #also they refused to let ctom.my onto the team bcus they thought he was annoying #but then she transitioned and applied again w the same application just under a different name and they let her in ToT #she was so mad i think she was about to start biting shit #(and of course her new name was clementine <3) #anyways i realized like a minute inot this dream that this probably wasnt real and the book didnt exist in real life #so i started speed reading as much as i could #thats as far as i got :( #i miss her

[confettigraffiti]

I miss talking to my friends genuinely but also I have very much overstayed my welcome everywhere and it's too late (I got VERY annoying near the end + fell out of a major interest which didn't help. my bad yall 😔) I feel like I should remake at this point and just move on but also. move on to what

#goddamn its fucking confetti again #go back #like at this point nobody wants me around because of obvious reasons but also #part of me would rather be distantly known as instead of being completely forgotten 💀 #love my inability to keep up with anyone despite wanting to so bad #either becuase i cant fucking remember or because eventually i either become intensely annoying or intensely boring #im already a fraction of how active as i was like even a year and a half ago. Would it even matter if i remade. Probably not #WORST lesbian dream of my life was dreaming about bayojeanne and having every single positive feeling i felt about them and then waking #and remembering i can never go back to that. I dont even care about bayo 3 anymore i just know i was MAD annoying #and i cant just to it even if i wanted #and then it started making me spiral about everything even unrelated to it #pain. So much pain. Lets take ibuprofen together #ok thinking about it most of everyone probably doesnt even remember me and arent actively annoyed by me so. Maybe thats better #thats probably better #uhrmm thid got long lol sorry i dont really hsve access to a place to talk anymore so i kind of just go here #bc this tumblr is filled with dead followers and so its safer snd less likely it gets seen #not to be dramatic but this must br what dying feels like lol

[sscrambledmeggss]

I love my family so much, but sometimes I really just want to move out

#like everything just constantly feels so tense #i don’t think I have felt carefree in so long #my dad tries fixing something in the bathroom gets mad and now there’s a hole in the wall #and he’s always had these little man baby fits #but like it’s just so stressful to constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells #i feel like so much of my life is just trying to make sure I’m not upsetting anyone #then he gets the nerve to be mad at my sister with how she handles her emotions #(which she could be way better at) but like where did she learn how to handle them from #literally the guy that would get mad a break toy balance beams in a fit and be like #“sorry I’ll replace it I just had a fit <3” #and then proceed to never do so #he’s not always like this he’s a very kind and loving father #but just when he does things like this it really upsets me #and I feel like they are being really unfair to my sister #i know she can be difficult at times #but like my mom sided with my dad after my sister got mad about *the hole he made* during a tantrum #it’s just so exhausting #and I just want things to feel easy again #things were never simple but I wish I had the childhood whimsy and ignorance to believe they are again #meg’s incoherent thoughts #tw vent

[archersartcorner]

Thinkin bout my TES MC trio, so here’s some doodles of my Nerevarine fella. Pretty sure I’ve said it before, but if ur Nerevarine, HoK, and LDB don’t hang out at least once, what’s da point‼️

#(and I mean that lightheartedly :-) no actual judgement or anything lol we all have our own stories! I just love doin this) #my art #described #oc: sven #morrowind #tes 3 morrowind #the elder scrolls #nerevarine #nerevarine oc #Sven and Po are simultaneously close and. not at all when they meet back up again HWVDHSH #they both essentially take joint custody of the little dragonborn and they can’t stand each others parenting techniques AHDHDKSBSK #altho po concedes more often than not. ‘look. kiddo. I am a mad god. I am THE mad god. maybe listen to your other dad rather than me’ #‘oh okay :) wait other da’ ‘LALLALALALAL DONT LISTEN TO MEEEEE I SAID NOTHING’ #po forgot a LOT about his life when he mantled sheo including Sven. and Sven feels a… Way about that. but despite those feelings they still- #-care quite a lot for each other. even tho po doesn’t exactly remember Sven he remembers… the feelings to an extent. he remembers there was- #-someone there. he just didn’t know who. #anyway. hey at my 200+ followers thanks for sticking with me while my interests have been everywhere LMAO I LOVE YALL

[themechaneer]

🔧

#‟ i am but a sensitive pillar of salt ” || ooc #;—-; so I had plans to start moving Joel to his new blog (yes that’s the decision I’ve made and a thing that’s happening) #but instead my coworker who just got back from vacation last week has left again due to her eldest daughter needing emergency surgery #I’m not mad about that it is what it is and that’s life but #i did just find out aside from doing 4 day shifts till she gets back (not sure when) the coverage we have can only do #shifts with the girlie I work with after 3pm mon & tues since she has another shift both those days from 7-3 #so I’ll be working 4 24h shifts and then 8 hour shifts on 2 of the days I’m meant to have off 🥲 #luckily I’ll have some time off once coworker returns but #if I’m quieter than normal it’s cause I am recovering ; ; and a shell of a human being #on the bright side it’s gorgeous today and I’ll be making more than enough to cover my time off even if I didn’t have pto #love you all 💕 hope you’re having a good timezone sugar plums 💚💚💚

[clericlost]

finally online and thinking about how little will does in every instance we see jane being bullied.     he’s no stranger to how shitty it feels to be singled out like that,  to be berated and belittled,  and yet all he does is stand there and watch,  then try to help pick up the pieces only after it’s over.     i know the suffer brothers have forgotten lonnie byers exists at this point but i unfortunately have not,  and in cases of bullies both at school and at home most of his life,  will never learned how to fight back.     indignance is a fruitless endeavor,  inconsequential to a man like lonnie,  to kids grappling with adult hierarchies on the playground,  to mind flayers prying their way in your head.     anger is even scarier,  something that always made his mom upset and his brother shut down like a machine powered off when it spewed from his dad.

he tries to learn fight instead of flight for the first time ever at 13 years old,  and it just so happens to be in the face of an otherworldly monster.     it’s an atrophied muscle since tantrums as a toddler were answered with intoxicated tantrums of the man of the house,  and it’s never properly gotten the chance to build its strength up,  or even believe it can.     will knows this.     of course he does,  and it’s a contributing factor to his everpresent struggle in not feeling like a burden,  a hassle to have around in his loved ones’ lives,  so he tries to compensate with comfort,  but by nature,  it never feels like enough.     not when the thing about comfort is that it happens after the hurt,  never before,  never prevents it.     standing by when he knows exactly what kind of hurt jane’s feeling,  and doing nothing,  feels like a betrayal.     if he intervened,  it’s not like it would stop it from happening again,  but even trying and failing would be better than nothing.     considering all the times jane has saved his life and his family and friends’ before she even met him,  it is quite literally the least he could do.

but it’s a trauma response,  to freeze.     one built from the crib to the upsidedown,  to lock up or run away.     he’s gotten better at the latter,  but the progress is hard to feel when faced with jane’s misery by himself,  without even the party that always helped him cope with his own bullies at his back.

#study. . .⠀meta #st4 spoilers #i guess it's more of a headcanon but no it's not i just remember lonnie existed<3 #even just as the audience seeing jane get bullied feels like shit and then the shots switch to will always just watching and somehow #i feel impossibly worse :) #god they were supposed to have a fresh start :( #i do think at least will got so caught up with just trying to survive all this upsidedown bullshit it was kind of? easy to forget? #the mundane aspects of life that can still make it fucking terrible #and like. they've faced Actual Monsters!! it should be easy to face bullies!!!! #but it isn't. it would take practice that will has Never had outside of trying it out on an interdimensional monster that one time #which didn't work btw<3 it just made it worse to try like that and have your agency so thoroughly ignored #ok enough tags i need to stop...... i have so many thoughts on will's passive coping mechanisms #the only time we really see him Mad at like anybody is mike #and it's this big ugly thing ripping him up and his response is to run and hide and feel so STUPID about how upset he was #the few times he's stood up for himself he always finds a reason to not try it again #OK i'm done for real i have drafts that i'm !!!! about #if i'm dead in the ims it's bc my social meter feels stiff as a corpse today i am apologizing in advance

[kethabali]

okay very freaky how similiar the timelines are last time it was also shortly after the 1 year mark but i didn't become really ready until another year passed and i'm pretty certain that will happen this time too... i am so predictable

#im not mad about it though #last time i was pretty pissed that it was taking so long #im okay with slow now bc what is the rush anyways #it either works or it doesn't #i can't force it anymore #i was younger back then and i thought i could just be a certain way and the problems would fix itself #but no what happens is what happens and i cant change how another person feels #i only know what i feel and how i feel about it #i am giddy happy though eheh #🧃 #but i cant believe that last time was like 3 years #sure it wasn't three years STRAIGHT but #the involvement was 3 years long #june 2019 to june 2022 #i ALSO CAN'T BELIEVE that it might actually (almost certainly) be coming to an end for real this time #i thought it would never end i know that is so dramatic of me but #i'm relieved honestly #but with the timeline being so similiar im also scared the same bad things will happen again #but you know i'm older i know myself better i am getting better at choosing people to be in my life #so maybe not #besides the first time was like a year roughly second was 2 years #so it definitely went up bc i got better at figuring out compatibility #so whatever happens this time it will be Better #is all i can say #im going Really slow this time i'm not forcing myself to feel any type of way that i do not feel #or doing anything that makes me feel overwhelmed or trapped