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juniaships · 3 years

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Vanessa Marble-Whittaker Bio **redux**

I had to delete the old post due to spelling mistakes and to add more info, but here is the official character bio for my AIO OC....possibly the only one in existence 😅 Contains spoilers and subject matter of abuse & postpartum depression; if you're curious you might have to do look into the main story arcs of AIO for easier understanding.

Full Name: Vanessa Crystal Marble Whittaker (nee Marble;)

Age: Unspecified but around late 20s to mid 30s

Birthday: May 15th

Race: African American (with European ancestry on both sides)

Fandom: Adventures in Odyssey

Voice Claim: Cree Summer; Vivica A. Fox is also a good alternate

Character Role: Heroine & love interest/spouse of Jason Whittaker

Items: Cross necklace, Midnight Manor (formerly Blackgaard's Castle)

Relationships

Family: Robienne Marble (mother), Regis Blackgaard (father), Edwin Blackgaard (uncle), Jerry Jr. (son, infant), John Whittaker (father in law), Monty (nephew in law), Jana (sister in Law)

Friends at Whit's End: Whit, Eugene, Connie, Katrina, Angel (pet doberman)

Acquaintances: Nuns, denizens of Odyssey

Love Interest: Her primary love interest and eventual husband is Jason Whittaker. They began as tensse & awkward relationship during the Blackgaard Saga duento their contrasting personalities, before becoming close friends and allies. They do not become completely official until after Novacom. Their relationship is regarded as the bonafide example of "Opposites Attract" in Odyssey.

Enemies: While enemies are far and few, she considers her own father as the major obstacle between her and a peaceful life. She was a major player against Novacom. She had a brief yey tense rivalry with Monica Stone (partly for Jason's affections) but the two made peace at the end.

Appearance

- Average height (say, 5'7)

-Brown skin, light brown eyes, and wavy-curly black hair

-Has an average body type (pear shaped) and seemed to gain a few pounds since giving birth

-Typically were darker shades of purple, blue, with the occasional maroon

-Sense of fashion is put together, professional even if casual

- Still has her nun fatigues

Personality

Vanessa is a composed and reserved lady with a deep connection to God, while respecting other religions (and non religious). While seen as a cold person at first glance, she is actually very kind and open-minded, though she isn't immune to making sardonic comments once in a while. While not really great around kids, she has moments of being supportive. After becoming a mother she is rather clueless, though well-meaning and tries her hardest to be the parent her father wasn't.

One of her biggest obstacle is overcoming her aloof demeanor. She needed to learn to open up to others and to out faith in her new friends. Even now she still has her moments of keeping her true emotions, though she has a wide circle of friends and a spouse to talk to. Vanessa was also ashamed of her Blackgaard blood, though she learns to come to terms with her past in order to create a brighter future for herself and the rest of her family. Sometimes she is prone to feeling inadequate and jealous, especially during brief periods of romantic rivalry.

There is a fierce protective side that comes out when loved ones are threatened, as seen with the Blackgaard and Novacom Sagas. She dislikes staying on the sidelines and does whatever she can to help out. She even broke her vows to protect her mother Robienne when Regis came into town, and later inspired her uncle Edwin to stay and fight her father to help save Odyssey.

While studious snd intelligent, Vanessa is not very tech savvy, naturally preferring traditional mediums such as writing letters and books. While she learns how to use computers and cellphones, don't expect her to be a technophile anytime soon. She expresses curiosity and concerns over the next invention hubby makes.

Abilities

Vanessa can memorize a lot a bible verses which she uses as prayer, or as a quip. She also has taken self defense classes to hold her her own.

- Strengths: In her early years she proved to be surprisingly strong and fast when need be. She can adapt to certain situations and keep her cool. Clever and resourceful, Vanessa often thinks and plans her actions. She can speak three languages (Spanish, French, and Mandarin Chinese) and plans om studying more.

- Weaknesses: After pregnancy she isn't as physically strong and has to limit herself to recover, and can be overpowered by much stronger foes. Vanessa is not very good at advanced technology, and she is a bad cook (Jason keeps her away from the stove as much as possible).

Backstory Vanessa was the only child of Regis and Robienne Blackgaard. Their marriage had be a short and rocky one marred by neglect, emotional manipulation and mental abuse. Finally, on the guidance of Edwin (Regis's brother) Robienne decided she had enough and divorced Regis when Vanessa was two years old. Robienne moved her daughter to New England to be with family, and the two lived peacefully after that. After graduating high school, Vanessa went to the nunnery and stayed there for a few years, while Robienne moved to the Midwest to pursue a career in teaching.

However Vanessa soon grew discontent, feeling as though she was missing out on normal young adult life. Should she stay as a nun or forge her own path?

She would find clues to her answer in the form of receiving news about her father moving to Odyssey - the same town her mother lived. Fearing for her mother's life, Vanessa requested a temporary break in vows, family business, she had said. Settling in Odyssey (under the surname Newman) she got a job working at Whit's End and as a private tutor.

Following major and minor events including the Blackgaard, Novacom, and Green Ring Conspiracy drama, Jason proposed to Vanessa, and they had a summer wedding (but not before overcoming premarital jitters and a threat from Jason's past). Two years after their union (or as of current Odyssey storyline) they had a little boy named Jerry Jr. (named after Jason's deceased brother). Vanessa continues to work at Whit's End as a curator and artist.

Major Storylines: If she was canon she would've been a major player in some of Odyssey's biggest stories including:

- Blackgaard Saga: Her debut, she came to town to take care of her mother & to confront her father on troubled past. She was hired to work at Whit's End where she met then-owner Jack Allen & the previous owner's son Jason for the first time. The townsfolk were.mesmerized by the seemingly mysterious woman and rumors started to abound. Near the climax, Vanessa revealed to Connie and Eugene that came to Odyssey to protect her mother from Regis. Towards the end of the saga, she, her uncle Edwin, and a few townsfolk helped to set up a trap for her father to save Odyssey.

Novacom Saga: She was a big player in taking down Novacom, using her skills writing letters to raise awareness on Novacom's shady actions. This is where her rivalry with Monica Stone began as Vanessa feelings for Jason turn romantic. After Novacom, she would be involved in more stories.

Green Ring Conspiracy: Following Jason's supposed "death" she briefly left Odyssey in mourning. Her uncle and mother managed to convince her to come back to Odyssey. She was unaware of Jason's secret of being alive and working as the Stiletto, and had several encounters with the Stiletto where the mysterious man left her roses and notes of endearment. The two would later reunite after Jason retuned to town, but Vanessa was angry with him for keeping secrets from her. After a long time (and counsel from Whit) she forgave him, and the two reconciled with the promise of being more open with each other.

Courtship Of Jason & Vanessa: An original storyline where the romance between her and Jason comes full circle, leading to their engagement! If only they could overcome personal inhibitions, a hateful doberman, past rivals and a threat from Jason's spy work!

Junior's Birth & Beyond: A couple of years into their marriage Vanessa became pregnant. She was anxious over multiple scenarios, her growing appetite and mood swings. After her son was born she developed symptoms of postpartum depression and sought medications and therapy. Slowly but surely, her mental health improved, & her anxieties faded away. As of now she has gotten involved with the current Rydell Saga.

Trivia

Vanessa won several awards for her artwork and has them on display everywhere in Odyssey

She is one of my most complex characters, but also one starting to really grow on me mostly out of nostalgia for the series

- Characters that inspired Vanessa's creation are Megara (Disney Hercules), Rei/Sailor Mars (Sailor Moon), Esther (biblical stories), Tzipporah (biblical stories esp. Dreamworks The King of Egypt), Talia Al Ghul, and Elisa Maza (Gargoyles). Other inspos include Maria Von Trapp and Marian Ravenwood.

- Vanessa was made to have a unique female character to contrast Connie and Katrina. Also because I have a soft spot for the Forbidden Love trope (if done right).

- She is the only main character OC of mine that is explicitly religious. She was Catholic and while she converted to Protestant, she still holds on to Catholic values. She is also the only main OC to be a parent as of current.

- Vanessa still visits her old nunnery when she and Jason goes to New England.

- She has bouts of postpartum depression, and takes medication to regulate.

- Her favorite things are the color blue, making her own pigments, and coffee flavored ice cream

Quotes

"Blackgaard already made our lives miserable uncle Edwin! If you leave now you're only giving him more power! You helped mama and I so many times, so it's my turn to return the favor!"

"Connie I'm a nun not a miracle worker."

"If my mother superior saw what I'm doing right now I would've had an early meeting with the Lord!"

"No more secrets. From now on it's just truth and nothing but the truth. Except for my age, don't ask me how old I am."

"Sheesh with all these buttons I'm surprised we didn't destroy Odyssey yet!"

"Jason I know you're worried about the baby but did you have to baby proof the doghouse too?"

"My little Angel! Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl!"

"I can't believe I can still wear this after all these years!?"

"Jason Whittaker you have got to be the most stubborn, reckless, foolhardy man I have ever met, and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"You call it junk I call it avant garde."

"I'm not responsible for my father's sins but I am responsible for mine. But my mother and uncle are in trouble. If not for me then please, do it for them!"

"She doesn't hate you Jason, she hates everyone equally."

"I guess God had a plan in store for me after all. I would've never met such wonderful people."

"Are you going to keep talking or should I start the kissing?"

Pictures

I haven't drawn any references for her yet, so that's going to be on a separate post

#adventures in odyssey #aio radio #blackgaard saga #novacom saga #green ring conspiracy #canon x oc #oc x canon #jason x oc #jason whittaker #oc: vanessa marble #oc bio #adventures in odyssey radio show #aio #i wanna make aio more inclusive and less er 'christian propaganda' i still enjoy the series tho

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oadara · 5 years

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I sometimes hear people complain that classic literature is the realm of dead white men. And it’s certainly true that men have tended to dominate the canon of literature taught in schools. But women have been writing great books for centuries. In fact, you could probably spend a lifetime just reading great classics by women and never run out of reading material.

This list is just a sampling of great books written by women of the past. For the purposes of this list, I’ve defined classics as books that are more than 50 years old. The list of classics by women focuses on novels, but there are some plays, poems, and works of nonfiction as well. And I’ve tried to include some well-known favorites, as well as more obscure books. Whatever your reading preferences, you’re bound to find something to enjoy here. So step back in time and listen to the voices of women who came before us.

The Pillow Book by Sei Shōnagon (990s-1000s). “Moving elegantly across a wide range of themes including nature, society, and her own flirtations, Sei Shōnagon provides a witty and intimate window on a woman’s life at court in classical Japan.”

The Tale of Genji by Murasaki Shikibu (Before 1021). “Genji, the Shining Prince, is the son of an emperor. He is a passionate character whose tempestuous nature, family circumstances, love affairs, alliances, and shifting political fortunes form the core of this magnificent epic.”

Oroonoko by Aphra Behn (1688). “When Prince Oroonoko’s passion for the virtuous Imoinda arouses the jealousy of his grandfather, the lovers are cast into slavery and transported from Africa to the colony of Surinam.”

Phillis Wheatley, Complete Writings by Phillis Wheatley (1760s-1770s). “This volume collects both Wheatley’s letters and her poetry: hymns, elegies, translations, philosophical poems, tales, and epyllions.”

A Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft (1790). “Arguably the earliest written work of feminist philosophy, Wollstonecraft produced a female manifesto in the time of the American and French Revolutions.”

The Romance of the Forest by Ann Radcliffe (1791). “A beautiful, orphaned heiress, a dashing hero, a dissolute, aristocratic villain, and a ruined abbey deep in a great forest are combined by the author in a tale of suspense where danger lurks behind every secret trap-door.”

Camilla by Fanny Burney (1796). “Camilla deals with the matrimonial concerns of a group of young people … The path of true love, however, is strewn with intrigue, contretemps and misunderstanding.”

Belinda by Maria Edgeworth (1801). “Contending with the perils and the varied cast of characters of the marriage market, Belinda strides resolutely toward independence. … Edgeworth tackles issues of gender and race in a manner at once comic and thought-provoking. ”

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (1818). “Driven by ambition and an insatiable thirst for scientific knowledge, Victor Frankenstein … fashions what he believes to be the ideal man from a grotesque collection of spare parts, breathing life into it through a series of ghastly experiments.”

Persuasion by Jane Austen (1818). “Eight years ago, Anne Elliot fell in love with poor but ambitious naval officer Captain Frederick Wentworth … now, on the verge of spinsterhood, Anne re-encounters Frederick Wentworth as he courts her spirited young neighbour, Louisa Musgrove.”

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë (1847). “Having grown up an orphan in the home of her cruel aunt and at a harsh charity school, Jane Eyre becomes an independent and spirited survivor …. But when she finds love with her sardonic employer, Rochester, the discovery of his terrible secret forces her to make a choice. “

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë (1847). “One of the great novels of the nineteenth century, Emily Brontë’s haunting tale of passion and greed remains unsurpassed in its depiction of destructive love.”

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Brontë (1848). “A powerful and sometimes violent novel of expectation, love, oppression, sin, religion and betrayal. It portrays the disintegration of the marriage of Helen Huntingdon … and her dissolute, alcoholic husband.”

The Bondwoman’s Narrative by Hannah Crafts (mid-19th century). “Tells the story of Hannah Crafts, a young slave working on a wealthy North Carolina plantation, who runs away in a bid for freedom up North.”

Sonnets from the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1850). “Recognized for their Victorian tradition and discipline, these are some of the most passionate and memorable love poems in the English language.”

Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe (1852). “Selling more than 300,000 copies the first year it was published, Stowe’s powerful abolitionist novel fueled the fire of the human rights debate.”

North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell (1854). “As relevant now as when it was first published, Elizabeth Gaskell’s North and South skillfully weaves a compelling love story into a clash between the pursuit of profit and humanitarian ideals.”

Our Nig by Harriet E. Wilson (1859). “In the story of Frado, a spirited black girl who is abused and overworked as the indentured servant to a New England family, Harriet E. Wilson tells a heartbreaking story about the resilience of the human spirit.”

The Mill on the Floss by George Eliot (1860). “Strong-willed, compassionate, and intensely loyal, Maggie seeks personal happiness and inner peace but risks rejection and ostracism in her close-knit community.”

Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl by Harriet Jacobs (1861). “The remarkable odyssey of Harriet Jacobs (1813–1897) whose dauntless spirit and faith carried her from a life of servitude and degradation in North Carolina to liberty and reunion with her children in the North.”

The Curse of Caste, or The Slave Bride by Julia C. Collins (1865). “Focuses on the lives of a beautiful mixed-race mother and daughter whose opportunities for fulfillment through love and marriage are threatened by slavery and caste prejudice.”

Behind the Scenes: Or, Thirty Years a Slave and Four Years in the White House by Elizabeth Keckley (1868). “Traces Elizabeth Keckley’s life from her enslavement in Virginia and North Carolina to her time as seamstress to Mary Todd Lincoln in the White House during Abraham Lincoln’s administration.”

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (1868). “The four March sisters couldn’t be more different. But with their father away at war, and their mother working to support the family, they have to rely on one another.”

A Lady’s Life in the Rocky Mountains by Isabella Lucy Bird (1879). “In 1873, wearing Hawaiian riding dress, [Bird] rode her horse through the American Wild West, a terrain only newly opened to pioneer settlement.”

The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson by Emily Dickinson (1890). “Though generally overlooked during her lifetime, Emily Dickinson’s poetry has achieved acclaim due to her experiments in prosody, her tragic vision and the range of her emotional and intellectual explorations.”

The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman (1892). “The story depicts the effect of under-stimulation on the narrator’s mental health and her descent into psychosis. With nothing to stimulate her, she becomes obsessed by the pattern and color of the wallpaper.”

Iola Leroy by Frances E.W. Harper (1892). “The daughter of a wealthy Mississippi planter, Iola Leroy led a life of comfort and privilege, never guessing at her mixed-race ancestry — until her father died and a treacherous relative sold her into slavery.”

The Grasmere and Alfoxden Journals by Dorothy Wordsworth (1897). “Dorothy Wordsworth’s journals are a unique record of her life with her brother William, at the time when he was at the height of his poetic powers.”

The Awakening by Kate Chopin (1899). “Chopin’s daring portrayal of a woman trapped in a stifling marriage, who seeks and finds passionate physical love outside the straitened confines of her domestic situation.”

The Light of Truth: Writings of an Anti-Lynching Crusader by Ida B. Wells (late 19th century). “This volume covers the entire scope of Wells’s remarkable career, collecting her early writings, articles exposing the horrors of lynching, essays from her travels abroad, and her later journalism.”

A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett (1902). “Transformed from princess to pauper, [Sarah Crewe] must swap dancing lessons and luxury for hard work and a room in the attic.”

The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy (1905). “The French Revolution, driven to excess by its own triumph, has turned into a reign of terror. … Thus the stage is set for one of the most enthralling novels of historical adventure ever written.”

A Girl of the Limberlost by Gene Stratton-Porter (1909). “The story is one of Elnora’s struggles to overcome her poverty; to win the love of her mother, who blames Elnora for her husband’s death; and to find a romantic love of her own.”

Mrs Spring Fragrance: A Collection of Chinese-American Short Stories by Sui Sin Far (1910s). “In these deceptively simple fables of family life, Sui Sin Far offers revealing views of life in Seattle and San Francisco at the turn of the twentieth century.”

American Indian Stories, Legends, and Other Writings by Zitkala-Sa (1910). “Tapping her troubled personal history, Zitkala-Sa created stories that illuminate the tragedy and complexity of the American Indian experience.”

The Custom of the Country by Edith Wharton (1913). Undine Spragg’s “rise to the top of New York’s high society from the nouveau riche provides a provocative commentary on the upwardly mobile and the aspirations that eventually cause their ruin.”

Oh Pioneers by Willa Cather (1913). “Evoking the harsh grandeur of the prairie, this landmark of American fiction unfurls a saga of love, greed, murder, failed dreams, and hard-won triumph.”

Suffragette: My Own Story by Emmeline Pankhurst (1914). “With insight and great wit, Emmeline’s autobiography chronicles the beginnings of her interest in feminism through to her militant and controversial fight for women’s right to vote.”

The Enchanted April by Elizabeth von Arnim (1922). Four women who “are alike only in their dissatisfaction with their everyday lives … find each other—and the castle of their dreams—through a classified ad in a London newspaper one rainy February afternoon.”

The Home-Maker by Dorothy Canfield Fisher (1924). “Evangeline Knapp is the perfect, compulsive housekeeper, while her husband, Lester, is a poet and a dreamer. Suddenly, through a nearly fata accident, their roles are reversed.”

Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf (1925). “Direct and vivid in her account of Clarissa Dalloway’s preparations for a party, Virginia Woolf explores the hidden springs of thought and action in one day of a woman’s life.”

The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall (1928). “First published in 1928, this timeless portrayal of lesbian love is now a classic. The thinly disguised story of Hall’s own life, it was banned outright upon publication and almost ruined her literary career.”

Plum Bun by Jessie Redmon Fauset (1928). “Written in 1929 at the height of the Harlem Renaissance by one of the movement’s most important and prolific authors, Plum Bun is the story of Angela Murray, a young black girl who discovers she can pass for white.”

Passing by Nella Larsen (1929). “Clare Kendry leads a dangerous life. Fair, elegant, and ambitious, she is married to a white man unaware of her African American heritage, and has severed all ties to her past.”

Grand Hotel by Vicki Baum (1929). “A grand hotel in the center of 1920s Berlin serves as a microcosm of the modern world in Vicki Baum’s celebrated novel, a Weimar-era best seller that retains all its verve and luster today.”

Thus Were Their Faces: Selected Stories by Silvina Ocampo (1930s-1970s). “Tales of doubles and impostors, angels and demons, a marble statue of a winged horse that speaks, a beautiful seer who writes the autobiography of her own death, a lapdog who records the dreams of an old woman, a suicidal romance, and much else that is incredible, mad, sublime, and delicious.”

Strong Poison by Dorothy L. Sayers (1930). “Sayers introduces Harriet Vane, a mystery writer who is accused of poisoning her fiancé and must now join forces with Lord Peter Wimsey to escape a murder conviction and the hangman’s noose.”

All Passion Spent by Vita Sackville-West (1931). “When Lady Slane was young, she nurtured a secret, burning ambition: to become an artist. She became, instead, the dutiful wife of a great statesman, and mother to six children. In her widowhood she finally defies her family.”

Invitation to the Waltz by Rosamond Lehmann (1932). Olivia Curtis “anticipates her first dance, the greatest yet most terrifying event of her restricted social life, with tremulous uncertainty and excitement.”

Frost in May by Antonia White (1933). “Nanda Gray, the daughter of a Catholic convert, is nine when she is sent to the Convent of Five Wounds. Quick-witted, resilient, and eager to please, she adapts to this cloistered world, learning rigid conformity and subjection to authority.”

Miss Buncle’s Book by D.E. Stevenson (1934). “Times are harsh, and Barbara’s bank account has seen better days. Maybe she could sell a novel … if she knew any stories. Stumped for ideas, Barbara draws inspiration from her fellow residents of Silverstream.”

The Wine of Solitude by Irene Nemirovsky (1935). “Beginning in a fictionalized Kiev, The Wine of Solitude follows the Karol family through the Great War and the Russian Revolution, as the young Hélène grows from a dreamy, unhappy child into a strongwilled young woman.”

Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell (1936). “Gone With the Wind explores the depth of human passions with an intensity as bold as its setting in the red hills of Georgia. A superb piece of storytelling, it vividly depicts the drama of the Civil War and Reconstruction.”

After Midnight by Irmgard Keun (1937). “German author Irmgard Keun had only recently fled Nazi Germany with her lover Joseph Roth when she wrote this slim, exquisite, and devastating book. It captures the unbearable tension, contradictions, and hysteria of pre-war Germany like no other novel.”

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston (1937). “One of the most important and enduring books of the twentieth century, Their Eyes Were Watching God brings to life a Southern love story with the wit and pathos found only in the writing of Zora Neale Hurston.”

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day by Winifred Watson (1938). “Miss Pettigrew is a governess sent by an employment agency to the wrong address, where she encounters a glamorous night-club singer, Miss LaFosse.”

The Death of the Heart by Elizabeth Bowen (1938). “The orphaned Portia is stranded in the sophisticated and politely treacherous world of her wealthy half-brother’s home in London. There she encounters the attractive, carefree cad Eddie.

And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie (1939). “Ten strangers are lured to an isolated island mansion off the Devon coast by a mysterious U. N. Owen … By the end of the night one of the guests is dead.”

Mariana by Monica Dickens (1940). “We see Mary at school in Kensington and on holiday in Somerset; her attempt at drama school; her year in Paris learning dressmaking and getting engaged to the wrong man; her time as a secretary and companion; and her romance with Sam.”

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers (1940). “Wonderfully attuned to the spiritual isolation that underlies the human condition, and with a deft sense for racial tensions in the South, McCullers spins a haunting, unforgettable story that gives voice to the rejected, the forgotten, and the mistreated.”

The Man Who Loved Children by Christina Stead (1940). “Sam and Henny Pollit have too many children, too little money, and too much loathing for each other. As Sam uses the children’s adoration to feed his own voracious ego, Henny watches in bleak despair.”

The Bird in the Tree by Elizabeth Goudge (1940). “The Bird in the Tree takes place in England in 1938, and follows a close-knit family whose tranquil existence is suddenly threatened by a forbidden love.”

Anne Frank: A Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank (1942-1944). “Discovered in the attic in which she spent the last years of her life, Anne Frank’s remarkable diary has since become a world classic—a powerful reminder of the horrors of war and an eloquent testament to the human spirit.”

The Robber Bridegroom by Eudora Welty (1942). “Legendary figures of Mississippi’s past—flatboatman Mike Fink and the dreaded Harp brothers—mingle with characters from Eudora Welty’s own imagination in an exuberant fantasy set along the Natchez Trace.”

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith (1943). “The story of young, sensitive, and idealistic Francie Nolan and her bittersweet formative years in the slums of Williamsburg has enchanted and inspired millions of readers for more than sixty years.”

Nada by Carmen LeFloret (1944). “One of the most important literary works of post-Civil War Spain, Nada is the semi-autobiographical story of an orphaned young woman who leaves her small town to attend university in war-ravaged Barcelona.

The Pursuit of Love by Nancy Mitford (1945). “The Pursuit of Love follows the travails of Linda, the most beautiful and wayward Radlett daughter, who falls first for a stuffy Tory politician, then an ardent Communist, and finally a French duke named Fabrice.”

One Fine Day by Mollie Panter-Downes (1947). “This subtle, finely wrought novel presents a memorable portrait of the aftermath of war, its effect upon a marriage, and the gradual but significant change in the nature of English middle-class life.”

Family Roundabout by Richmal Crompton (1948). “We see that families can both entrap and sustain; that parents and children must respect each other; and that happiness necessitates jumping or being pushed off the family roundabout.”

The Living Is Easy by Dorothy West (1948). “Cleo Judson—daughter of southern sharecroppers and wife of ‘Black Banana King’ Bart Judson … seeks to recreate her original family by urging her sisters and their children to live with her, while rearing her daughter to be a member of Boston’s black elite.”

Half a Lifelong Romance by Eileen Chang (1948). “Shen Shijun, a young engineer, has fallen in love with his colleague, the beautiful Gu Manzhen. … But dark circumstances—a lustful brother-in-law, a treacherous sister, a family secret—force the two young lovers apart. “

I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith (1948). “Tells the story of seventeen-year-old Cassandra and her family, who live in not-so-genteel poverty in a ramshackle old English castle. Here she strives, over six turbulent months, to hone her writing skills.”

Pinjar: The Skeleton and Other Stories by Amrita Pritam (1950). “Two of the most moving novels by one of India’s greatest women writers. The Skeleton …is memorable for its lyrical style and depth in her writing. … The Man is a compelling account of a young man born under strange circumstances and abandoned at the altar of God.”

My Cousin Rachel by Daphne du Maurier (1951). “While in Italy, Ambrose fell in love with Rachel, a beautiful English and Italian woman. But the final, brief letters Ambrose wrote hint that his love had turned to paranoia and fear. Now Rachel has arrived at Philip’s newly inherited estate.”

The Daughter of Time by Josephine Tey (1951). “Inspector Alan Grant of Scotland Yard, recuperating from a broken leg, becomes fascinated with a contemporary portrait of Richard III that bears no resemblance to the Wicked Uncle of history.”

Excellent Women by Barbara Pym (1952). “As Mildred gets embroiled in the lives of her new neighbors … the novel presents a series of snapshots of human life as actually, and pluckily, lived in a vanishing world of manners and repressed desires.”

Maud Martha by Gwendolyn Brooks (1953). “In a novel that captures the essence of Black life, Brooks recognizes the beauty and strength that lies within each of us.”

Someone at a Distance by Dorothy Whipple (1953). “Ellen was that unfashionable creature, a happy housewife struck by disaster when the husband, in a moment of weak, mid-life vanity, runs off with a French girl.”

Nisei Daughter by Monica Sone (1953). “With charm, humor, and deep understanding, Monica Sone tells what it was like to grow up Japanese American on Seattle’s waterfront in the 1930s and to be subjected to ‘relocation’ during World War II.”

Cotillion by Georgette Heyer (1953). “Country-bred, spirited Kitty Charings is on the brink of inheriting a fortune from her eccentric guardian – provided that she marries one of his grand nephews.”

Nectar in a Sieve by Kamala Markandaya (1954). “This beautiful and eloquent story tells of a simple peasant woman in a primitive village in India whose whole life is a gallant and persistent battle to care for those she loves.”

The Talented Mr Ripley by Patricia Highsmith (1955). “Since his debut in 1955, Tom Ripley has evolved into the ultimate bad boy sociopath. Here, in this first Ripley novel, we are introduced to suave Tom Ripley, a young striver, newly arrived in the heady world of Manhattan.”

A Good Man is Hard to Find and Other Stories by Flannery O’Connor (1955). “These stories show O’Connor’s unique, grotesque view of life— infused with religious symbolism, haunted by apocalyptic possibility, sustained by the tragic comedy of human behavior, confronted by the necessity of salvation.”

Collected Poems by Edna St. Vincent Millay (1956). “Millay remains among the most celebrated poets of the early twentieth century for her uniquely lyrical explorations of love, individuality, and artistic expression.”

The Fountain Overflows by Rebecca West (1957). “An unvarnished but affectionate picture of an extraordinary family, in which a remarkable stylist and powerful intelligence surveys the elusive boundaries of childhood and adulthood, freedom and dependency, the ordinary and the occult.”

Angel by Elizabeth Taylor (1957). “In Angel’s imagination, she is the mistress of the house, a realm of lavish opulence, of evening gowns and peacocks. Then she begins to write popular novels, and this fantasy becomes her life.”

The King Must Die by Mary Renault (1958). “In this ambitious, ingenious narrative, celebrated historical novelist Mary Renault takes legendary hero Theseus and spins his myth into a fast-paced and exciting story.”

A Raisin the the Sun by Lorraine Hansberry (1959). “Set on Chicago’s South Side, the plot [of this play] revolves around the divergent dreams and conflicts within three generations of the Younger family.”

The Vet’s Daughter by Barbara Comyns (1959). “Harrowing and haunting, like an unexpected cross between Flannery O’Connor and Stephen King, The Vet’s Daughter is a story of outraged innocence that culminates in a scene of appalling triumph.”

The Colossus and Other Poems by Sylvia Plath (1960). “Graceful in their craftsmanship, wonderfully original in their imagery, and presenting layer after layer of meaning, the forty poems in The Colossus are early artifacts of genius that still possess the power to move, delight, and shock.”

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (1960). “The unforgettable novel of a childhood in a sleepy Southern town and the crisis of conscience that rocked it, To Kill A Mockingbird became both an instant bestseller and a critical success when it was first published.”

The Householder by Ruth Prawer Jhabvala (1960). “This witty and perceptive novel is about Prem, a young teacher in New Delhi who has just become a householder and is finding his responsibilities perplexing.”

The Ivy Tree by Mary Stewart (1961). “This remarkably atmospheric novel is one of bestselling-author Mary Stewart’s richest, most tantalizing, and most surprising efforts, proving her a rare master of the genre.”

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie by Muriel Spark (1961). Miss Jean Brodie “is passionate in the application of her unorthodox teaching methods, in her attraction to the married art master, Teddy Lloyd, in her affair with the bachelor music master, Gordon Lowther, and—most important—in her dedication to ‘her girls,’ the students she selects to be her crème de la crème.”

We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson (1962). “Merricat Blackwood lives on the family estate with her sister Constance and her uncle Julian. Not long ago there were seven Blackwoods—until a fatal dose of arsenic found its way into the sugar bowl one terrible night.”

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle (1962). “Meg, Charles Wallace, and Calvin O’Keefe (athlete, student, and one of the most popular boys in high school)… are in search of Meg’s father, a scientist who disappeared while engaged in secret work for the government on the tesseract problem.”

The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing (1962). “Doris Lessing’s best-known and most influential novel, The Golden Notebook retains its extraordinary power and relevance decades after its initial publication.”

The Group by Mary McCarthy (1963). “Written with a trenchant, sardonic edge, The Group is a dazzlingly outspoken novel and a captivating look at the social history of America between two world wars.”

Efuru by Flora Nwapa (1966). “The work, a rich exploration of Nigerian village life and values, offers a realistic picture of gender issues in a patriarchal society as well as the struggles of a nation exploited by colonialism.”

Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys (1966). “Antoinette Cosway, a sensual and protected young woman … is sold into marriage to the prideful Mr. Rochester. Rhys portrays Cosway amidst a society so driven by hatred, so skewed in its sexual relations, that it can literally drive a woman out of her mind.”

#must-read #female authors #classic literature #literature written by women #literary classic #literary classics written by women

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cainromainelettuce · 5 years

Text

( non-binary ) haven’t seen CAIN ROMANOV around in a while. the BILL SKARSGARD lookalike has been known to be (+) RIGHTEOUS & (+) AMBITIOUS, but HE/THEY can also be (-) EVASIVE & (-) UNTRUSTING. The 24 year old is a SENIOR majoring in BUSINESS. I believe they’re living in EMERITUS, but I popped by earlier and no one answered the door. ( snot goblin. 20. EST. she/they. )

surprise !! i am the snot goblin ! (aka james aka saige aka amos aka aleta) !! i very much apologize for this intro being late !! and also for possibly being pretty long.

EDIT: i forgot to mention but 1. like this if u’d like to plot w/ him !! obv !! and then 2. if discord is easier for any of u, my thing is emo stan #3644 uwu

TW: CULT LIFE, HEROIN USAGE / ADDICTION, DRUG ADDICTION / USE / ABUSE, EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, ABUSE, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ( PTSD, ANXIETY ). if i forgot anything PLEASE tell me !!

a e s t h e t i c s

dangling limbs from tree branches, yellowed book pages, opened bottles of vintage wine, oversized sweaters and deep under eyes, bleached denim, worn leather gloves, cat hair against black cloth, fields of wheat, broken windows, descending staircases, tight-lipped smiles during public appearances, golden skies, light spilling from windows, stumbling over one's own words, wire-framed beds, linens, wool scarves, making the wrong decisions; running, from others and yourself.

general information !!

full name: cain alexei romanov

nickname(s): cock and ball torture, N/A

b.o.d. - feb 19th, fuckin pisces

label(s): the fallen, the phoenix, the crestfallen, etc. etc.

height: 6′4″ jfc

hometown: rochester, ny babey !!

sexuality: bi...? bi. yes. bi.

stats

biography !!

cain, like all of my other children, was born into a life of privilege. his father’s a senator of new york and his mother’s a philanthropist; both pretty prominent figures. cain is the eldest of five.

he was raised in mind of keeping a good public reputation, taught to be the perfect citizen. essentially, he was a golden child who could really do no wrong. as a child, he’d always aim to please his parents in any way he could.

this included joining several clubs during school, such as model UN, debate, DECA, etc. etc. as well as a few sports (soccer, track, basketball, lacrosse -- all throughout the years, not at once). pretty sure he’s been a class president once or twice, and has been in the lead for valedictorian.

his whole thing was that he was supposed to be perfect. volunteered on the weekends at homeless shelters and food banks and like...he just did The Most. the absolute most

this pleased his parents, and he never had a problem with them. life was good. they attended church on sundays, sometimes wednesdays, always did things as a Family. like, we’re talking family dinners and christmas photoshoots and new year eve parties.

probably lived in a gated community tbh

he went into college strong, started off as a double major in political science and business, lookin’ to take after both his parents. he’d Always been fairly close to tatiana, being around the same age as her. nothing freaky ever happened among them, and i wouldn’t have really called them...friends, if that makes sense? they were confidantes, they vented to each other for whatever reasons at the time.

however this whole ~do no wrong~ bearing was a charade. in the community and his families’ eye, cain was just this precious, hardworking citizen who gave back when possible.

those who actually, genuinely knew him knew he was just a dick lmfao

arrogant, harrowing, and an outright bully who tore down others when he felt like it -- often unprovoked. he was the senator’s son and a rich one at that, and ever since middle school he was just...mean !

because of his father and his family’s general position in the community, tattlers were the ones getting in trouble rather than cain, who’d often go without punishment for his attitude.

like...was That Bitch who’d actually, genuinely look down at somebody if they had less than him. just an absolute narcissistic dickhead who only cared about like, maybe two or three people outside of his family.

his only redeeming quality was probably his protectiveness over his siblings tbh -- even if he wasn’t ... the best person, nobody was rly allowed to fuck w/ his family.

this carried into college, he probably joined one of the frats too, y’know. known for keeping his composition even when others resorted to violence, ‘cos he never liked to get physical. it would’ve been bad for press, y’know ??

sometime during college, two important things happened.

the first one is that he became a sort of...middleman? broker? he wasn’t the one creating/growing what he was selling, but he wasn’t the one dealing them. y’know, he was the middleman. took drugs and sold them to dealers to sell, for profit, for funsies. very hush-hush for the obvious reasons.

the second is that he met earl and may meyers. they were fellow volunteers at a thanksgiving food drive, and the older couple were immediately drawn to cain -- and him to them, essentially. to this day he can’t tell you what about them had been so appealing. just, the air around them was something else entirely. some would probably call it unhinged. they were kind folks, very down to earth, very religious and warmhearted. they liked his name being cain a whole lot; told him that he reminded him of their late son.

i’d say the beginning of this was late junior year for cain. the couple volunteered more and more at the same places as cain, as often as he did -- which, in retrospect was odd -- but cain hadn’t really known better. being the Good Samaritan he acted as, he kept talking to them. it became a genuine friendship. a few months into it, they had started talking about like...the sin of wealth and what it does to your soul, god choosing only a select few to be saved when he eventually cleanses the earth, etc. etc. they claimed that cain was special, one of those to be selected, they could see it in his aura, etc. etc.

it was...oddly appealing to him? like hmm..maybe i am being constrained by capitalism and disappointing god!

but like...this was mostly because of a lot of emotional manipulation for a duration of months -- and he had never once suspected anything like that to be happening. cain had always been so sure of himself, that he’d never imagined one day being manipulated, even if he was manipulative himself.

earl and may told him that they were going to leave rochester, that there were so many more who had the same ideals as them -- it was time to join them, to be saved. cain held off from this, as a senior in college by now.

after all, he had his perfect lil family and a good side-business going on, and he had a long term girlfriend who put up with his shenanigans. cain was still an absolute asshole to others but he had at least found his crowd to all be collectively awful and full of themselves, y’know?

over winter break, however, cain had a change of heart pretty suddenly.

for the third important thing had happened.

it had started off as a pretty average, normal day. christmas had gone and passed -- it was one of the days between christmas and new years eve, y’know? a period of days where time nor place is real. like walmart at midnight, or an empty 7/11 parking lot. during a seemingly normal conversation about his ancestry with his mother, she had suddenly broken down in sobs.

it was during this discussion that she revealed, to cain only -- that he was not his father’s son.

the beginning of vaughn and adelaide’s marriage had a pretty...rocky start, to say the least, and in a night of petty anger, adelaide had cheated on vaughn. this resulted in the pregnancy that wound up with cain.

the news rocked cain’s world in a very bad way, the sort of way that breaks a person. his entire life he looked up to his parents, did everything they ever asked of him, molded himself into perfection for the hope of being a sliver of a man his father was. and to learn that his father was not, actually, his father?

within the week he’d gotten into several altercations, both sober and drunk, and had landed in county jail overnight. nobody knows where cain went on new years eve, but he hadn’t skipped town until the third -- according to tatiana, who had received one last gift from him on the 2nd (her birthday).

then, he was gone. it wasn’t a missings person ordeal -- cain had made it very known that he was leaving rochester and that he had skipped town. hadn’t even broken up with his girlfriend before doing so. hell -- hadn’t even told the people he worked for.

BEGINNING OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS

only earl and may knew where cain went. because he went with them to the place they had told him so much about. this was the fourth most important thing to happen to him, because it changed his life.

cain didn’t know what a cult looked like, but it felt pretty accurate to hollywood’s interpretations. they lived separate from society in rural new york -- not nearly as far away as cain would’ve liked, but thank god in the long run for that. the people wore white, linens and cotton. there was no technology, just prayer and daily chores. money meant nothing, there.

i want to keep this part relatively short, so i’ll try my hardest. cain was only in the cult for three-ish months before he escaped. the beginning was grand -- it was peaceful, it was mind-clearing. he was treated as something special, his name being some sort of ... message, a sign that he’d been a gift for the group. that he’d be, ultimately, an eventual leader for them. however -- the longer he stayed with them, the more apparent it became that he wasn’t the messager they had long waited for.

he began slipping up. they became displeased with him. punishments occurred. sometimes once a week, sometimes multiple. he remembers hundreds of hands, pulling and tugging and gripping and begging -- asking him to repent, please, repent, and submergence on more than one occasion. these were not the worst.

they were convinced that he couldn’t truly be cleansed of his sins unless he forgot his past life.

fun fact: heroin in small doses, daily, can lead to memory loss.

though it’d only been around three months of this -- it really felt longer to cain. time wasn’t a concept. there was only the ground they walked on, and god, and that was that.

drugged and weakened but still kickin’, he had gotten into a particularly violent, brutal fight with earl. this was the last straw. cain had attempted to murder his ‘brother’. this led to his next punishment.

in a particularly twisted reenactment / retelling, cain had been branded with the cult’s interpretation of the mark of cain (they were going to be accurate and place it upon his forehead, but after a lot of resistance [he bit somebody] it was, begrudgingly, placed atop his heart instead) and left for dead in the middle of nowhere.

by all means, he probably should’ve died. by miracle, though cain was no longer a believer -- he was found by a farmer.

END OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. STILL MENTIONS OF TRAUMA / MENTAL HEALTH / RECOVERY BEYOND THIS POINT.

by early april he’d been reunited with his family. things went very fast, suddenly, for him. recovering from his forced addiction, and the trauma he’d been put in within only a small amount of months -- and his father’s reputation -- his mother’s inability to look him in the eye -- cain took matters into his own hands and, rather than return to lockwood, put in his transfer to hendrix.

because he’s a grown man who, while recovering from being in a cult, can still make his own decisions even if they’re irrational. he should’ve taken a year off, really, and recover. but he couldn’t imagine staying in his house, either, and generally ?? his mind was just a very messy place.

he went to hendrix a s a p, before his term in the summer even began. he wound up at hendrix a few weeks (like...three?) before the lockwood kids and was very dismayed to find out that oh, coincidence, there’s an abroad semester attending !!

so that’s sort of where he’s at rn.

personality !!

okay so...douchebag cain is No More. they’re retired.

to the hendrix students they’ve familiarized themself with, they’re a pretty quiet person. well-meaning, kind enough if not a little sarcastic. sort of distant, not much for parties. smokes weed and like, drinks occasionally, but not much else. definitely doesn’t do anything harder.

they’ve got four cats. that’s their entire personality. four cats. they got them all after transferring to hendrix and like ... no regrets ?

i imagine their parents still pay for their schooling ‘cos it’s not like their father Knows that cain’s not his child. if anything, vaughn just thinks that cain suffered a mental breakdown and needed a break.

anyways. they love their cats a lot. like, probably has photos of them in their wallet.

as mentioned above, their memory is pretty...fucked up right now. they don’t forget anything major, but there are days where it takes them a while to remember faces or names and sometimes they wake up and won’t know where they are.

not that they really...sleep a lot? they have night terrors, which fuck with their sleep schedule. they sleep only for a few hours each night because the nightmares are too bad.

cain suffers from severe touch aversion. skin-to-skin contact of any sort is enough to send them into a pretty bad panic attack. they wear leather gloves more often than not, because it helps without hindering them too much. they’re not the biggest fan of body contact in general, even with clothes, but it won’t send them into a panic like bare skin will. they make sure their few friends know that they don’t really like physical contact at all.

they’re dealing with PTSD, attends therapy every week. keeps an entire journal where they write b/c it helps them cope. it’s like, everything to them.

they’re...sort of like...blunt? they won’t go out of their way to be like ‘hey i joined a cult and it fucked me up pretty badly’ but they won’t lie about it either if the topic somehow comes to that. they don’t like delusions, but they don’t like drawing unnecessary attention to them either.

lockwood students being at hendrix makes them pretty anxious, just because they were looking to sort of ... rebuild themself into a better person, and like pretty much most students at lockwood knows how much of a massive tool they used to be. not to mention like, their plugs and customers they screwed over by leaving, and their ex girlfriend who they’re still probably in love with ?? but it’s just complicated now.

smokes weed to soothe them rather than just get high. is probably stoned often.

doesn’t really like cars! or swimming! or crowds. doesn’t like to feel trapped.

whenever they’re overwhelmed and needs to be away from everything, they’ve developed a habit of climbing into trees. they won’t suddenly go jump in a tree during a conversation, but more so at night or when they need to think.

probably trying to redeem themself in some sort of way. because while they want to avoid the lockwood students as much as possible, that’s not right. they want to fix the shit they’ve done and be a better person, because the whole...situation they’ve been in has opened their eyes.

uuuhh...there are days where they forget that tatiana’s dead. so that’s sad.

i wouldn’t be surprised if people from lockwood were suspicious of cain, considering they left rochester only a week or so before tatiana went missing, and just so happened to come to hendrix around the same time eva went missing ??

oh !! cain developed a stutter, and their voice is a little damaged from...screaming. a lot. in general they look a little gaunt, a little unhealthy.

they can still definitely hold a conversation, and like i said they’re pretty...lowkey. soft, sort of. generally a quiet person and while they’re not the most social, they won’t be a direct asshole or anything. likes people! just...has low energy.

goes by he/they, doesn’t really care which one as he alternates pretty frequently.

dropped the political science part of his major and like...unfortunately is very much unhappy with being a business major atm. he might just go through another four years of college in a diff major or fuck off all together.

EDIT: i forgot to mention that he’s sort of really into the investigation of the cult he was part of b/c they’re still like...out there. also fascinated by the watershed app and shit, ‘cos they fucking...hate this shit with a passion. probably willing to stick their nose into places they shouldn’t

wanted connections !!

so first and foremost, cain would’ve been known around lockwood. connections relating to that would be v much appreciated !!

mostly enemies or people they’ve wronged, tbh, ‘cos he was a massive dick.

exes they’ve dumped, hook ups, ex-friends, people he’s gotten into arguments or fights with.

his ex gf would be gr8 . if anybody would like some angst.

uuhhh i’d imagine he’d know a few of the other prominent families from rochester, especially. not to say that they would’ve all gotten along.

hendrix pals !! give me some solid friendships based on mutual respect.

people cain used to receive drugs from and people he used to send those drugs to.

ex-party pals ??

people suspicious of them b/c cain was/is a very suspicious person. people still angry at them.

let them RECONNECT and FIX FRIENDSHIPS

people he’d bully or fuck with or whatever.

wholesome shit. angst shit. slowburns, anyone ?!? enemies to friends. friends to enemies. enemies to bigger enemies.

i’m not taking hook-ups for....obvious reasons.

but sexual tension is welcomed. maybe a sexting thing ??

ppl they DON’T even know that well but hATE his dAD because FUCK POLITICIANS y’know ?!?

old pals from lockwood, if i didnt mention that.

i imagine a lot of conversations w/ lockwood kids begin like ‘this is where u fucked off to, huh?’ b/c like....they told everybody they were ditching rochester. it wasn’t a secret or a shock. but it’s still like huh. u bastard.

people who are soft for them ??

people who are hard on him ??

make his life difficult but also uuuhh uwu him

#water:intro #drug abuse tw #abuse tw #cult tw #mental illness tw #ptsd tw #sorry this is so late folks !!

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flashbackharry · 6 years

Text

“I never meant to fall in love you, I just did”

You were so fucking wasted. And not in a party girl-Friday night in the club wasted. You were Lonely-Wednesday Night 2am kinda wasted. You were not feeling yourself at all, the last 4 months took a complete toll on your life and by default took a toll on your mental health so you decided what’s better than feeling everything all at once? Feeling nothing all. So that’s the goal you sought out and left your apartment in a frenzy around 11pm and now you assumed it was way too late considering no one else was in the damn place and the bartender was cleaning up. He was eyeing you every few seconds to make sure you were alive as your head was down on the table and you were muttering incoherent sentences to yourself.

“Hey were closing up pretty soon do you want me to call you a cab?” He asked politely as he wiped down the table.

“I don’t have any money.” You said as your words slurred. You felt some moving around near you, perhaps you were being robbed but at this point you wouldn’t be surprised at any more crap life decided to throw you. You closed your eyes for what felt like a second but it couldn’t have been because you woke up and heard that familiar voice that made tears well up in your eyes instantaneously.

“...from what I gathered she walked here because I couldn’t find any car keys and she didn’t have any money on her so I called the emergency contact she had in her phone.” You heard the kind bartender explain and you cursed yourself for never finding the time to change your emergency contact.

“Thank you so much, we’ll be on our way now.” He said and you felt strong hands grab both of your arms and very easily lift you off the bar stool. You tumbled a little once your feet touched the ground and Harry steadied you again.

“Hey” He said softly, meeting your eyes which you knew were no doubt streaked with mascara what with all the crying you’ve been doing. Seeing Harry for the first time since you guys broke up was definitely hard and for all the circumstances you had envisioned, having him pick you from the bar because you got too drunk was not one of them. You took a hard look at his face.

His face looked scruffy like he hadn’t shaved in weeks. His eyes were of course still green as ever but he had bags underneath them like he too hasn’t been getting enough sleep lately. He wore a pair of grey joggers and a black tee and though you’ve seen him on multiple occasions dress up for shows and award ceremonies, the sight of him now made you suck in a shaky breath.

“You okay?” He asked his eyes searching for the answer as to why you were drunk at a bar in the middle of the week. You didn’t answer him instead you just scoffed and walked past to the door determined to get home and shower and forget this night ever happened. But Harry followed you out into the crisp night. Luckily your apartment was only a few blocks so you walked slowly and in a zigzag patterned because you were obviously drunk and your head was pounding.

“are you gonna explain what’s going on Y/n?” He said. He walked a safe distance behind you. You scoffed again, hot anger suddenly coursing through your veins.

“Yeah I’ll explain what’s going on, I was having fun by myself until you showed up.” You said making an effort to walk faster so you could get home and soon forget all of it.

“Funny, I think I recall being called to come and get you and please don’t kid yourself y/n, I saw you in there and you just looked sad” He said and if you were angry before you were seething now. How the hell dare he just assume you were sad, maybe you just wanted a drink on a fucking Wednesday night why was that such a taboo thing to do? And who the fuck forced him to come pick you up? He could of very easily ignored your call like he always does.

But you didn’t say any of that. Instead you just stopped walking and turned to face him and said “Fuck you Harry.”

All he did was scoff and shake his head but he never stopped walking with you.

“Why the hell are you following me?” You said. You could see your apartment now and nearly sighed with relief, never have you ever wanted to be home so badly in your life.

“I’m not letting you walk home alone at 2am completely drunk.” He said and when you said nothing in return he added, “I still care about you know.” He said softly. The whole atmosphere changed and you were no longer anger at him but at yourself for letting it get this far, for being so pathetic that your ex had to witness it. You couldn’t stop the hot tears from pouring now and you let out a choked sob, your hand flying to your mouth hoping Harry didn’t hear.

Within seconds Harry was in front of you he looked at your bloodshot eyes and mascara streaked face and pulled you in for a hug. It’s been so long since someone hugged you that you didn’t what to do at first so you just leaned against his chest but then you wrapped your arms around his torso and he held you tighter. You cried into the crook of Harry’s neck right in front of your apartment door for a solid 20 minutes. When your tears subsided into hiccups and sniffing Harry pulled you back to look at your reddened eyes and cheeks and very quietly asked, “Can I stay the night?” You looked into his eyes and they mirrored genuine concern and a little bit of...Understanding, like he too has gone through the same thing.

Perhaps you imagined it because you didn’t want to be the only one who was hurting. You slowly nodded and he opened the door for you, closing it quietly behind him. You set your phone and keys down on the table and murmured “Gonna take a shower.” Harry nodded and sat down on the couch.

You headed down the hall into the bathroom and you finally looked at yourself in the mirror. Your hair was a complete mess, some of it was stuck to your face from all the crying. Your makeup was totally off and your white tank top was slipping off your shoulder. You shook your head in the mirror and started peeling your clothes off. Once all your clothes were off you hopped in the shower, the scalding hot water felt so soothing on your tired muscles. The hot water seemed to clear your mind too but no matter how hard you tired you couldn’t prepare yourself for the boy waiting in your apartment.

You and Harry had so much history, you’ve known him since you were 9 and you guys stayed friends until you were 19, then you both realized you were in love so you guys dated, For a pretty long time actually. It wasn’t until you were both 23 that things started getting rocky. You were fighting nearly every night and nothing you guys did was helping so Harry asked if you wanted you to take a break, find some time to figure yourselves out, but boy did that not work. Harry moved out, and you guys haven’t spoken for six months.

Until today of course. When you finally got out of the shower it was well past 3am now. You wanted so desperately to forget all the events of tonight but that was hard considering the love of your life was down the hall. You walked out of the bathroom with a towel and into your room you rummaged into your draws for your pajamas. You settled on an old band tea and some sweats. You hair was now a wet mop above your head. You took a deep breath and walked into the living room.

Harry was no where to be found you felt a light breeze and saw the door to the back deck was open. You saw him on your porch swing and you joined him. Leaving a space between the two of you as you pulled your knees up to your chest. In the pale moonlight his features seemed to be amplified. His jaw was tight and set, he seemed to be lost in thought. You couldn’t help but stare. The last time you saw him in person he was driving away. You took in everything about him, not quite sure when you’d see him again. You guys stayed silent, neither of you saying anything but it was a comfortable kind of silence. When Harry finally spoke you were startled for a bit.

“I love you so fucking much sometimes it physically hurts me.” He said, pain flickering behind his eyes.

“ I never meant to fall in love you Y/n, I just did.” You opened your mouth to say something but he continued on.

“Our friends have been telling me you weren’t doing so well and I just assumed that meant you weren’t going out but come to find you were barely showing up at your job either, barely eating and sleeping. I knew then I had to see you.”

“I was in London this whole time.” He said. It was your turn to be shocked. You were so unplugged and in your own little world that you never even knew he was an ocean away. You looked at him but he still wouldn’t look at you. He was staring blankly ahead at nothing in particular. Nonetheless he continued on like what he just said was no big deal.

“I stayed with my mum for a bit, trying to find some normalcy in my life again but I couldn’t get you out of head. I was hardly sleeping and every night I just wanted to hold you but I couldn’t because I was the one who suggested we go on a break and I couldn’t back out of it so easily. But I got to be so hard that my own mother said I better leave and go see you. So I did and I flew out here yesterday. Between now and then I’ve been looking for an excuse to show up at your place but I had no fucking clue.” He finally looked at me and I saw all the defeat and hurt in face. His eyes were starting to tear up and my heart was in a million pieces. He turned his head and was back to staring out in the dark again.

“I was so fucking frustrated with myself at that point that I wanted to go back home and tell my mum I just couldn’t do until I got that phone call from the bar. I drove there like a mad man and I found you with your head down looking completely broken and I got so angry with myself and I knew at that point I fucked up so bad.” He was crying now his breath shaky but he continued, facing me with tears streaming down his face. It didn’t help that I was crying now too.

“Y/n? I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry it had to get this far for me to realize what I dick I am. I’m s-so sorry.” He said letting out a giant breath and putting his head down. You took his hand and walked over to him, straddling him, both your legs on either side of him. You lifted his head and started to kiss his face all over. Starting with his eyes, drying his tears. Then you went down to his cheeks and kissed them profusely. You then kissed the top of his nose and finally his lips. The kiss was slow and deep. Harry kissed you back immediately, deepening the kiss. You’d stopped only to get air. Words couldn’t describe how good it felt to kiss him again, it’s like you were starving this whole time and Harry was your first meal in so long. When you guys finally stopped, his face cupped in your hands you both smiled, Harry’s eyes crinkling at the sides, you were so close you could practically count all of his freckles.

“I missed you so much.” You whispered.

The sun was creeping out at the horizon, dawn approaching ever so slowly. You turned around still on Harry’s lap, your back pressed against his chest, his hands wrapped around your torso and his head between your shoulders. You guys stayed silent as you watched the sun rise, bringing light out again to the city. It was Harry who broke the silence again. His words sending vibrations down your back, goosebumps forming on your neck.

“Those six months without you were absolute hell. I never wanna be away from you for that long ever again. I know we still have a lot to work on, but I’d rather work on them with you, if you’re willing too.” He finally finished. You laced your fingers through his and turned around to press a kiss to his neck. He leaned his head on yours and you looked him, your breath hitched.

“Always.”

#harry styles #harry styles fluff #louis tomlinson #liam payne #zayn malik #niall horan #harry styles blurb #harry styles imagines #harry styles one shot #one direction #writing

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maybrandon · 4 years

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Reiki Crystal Meanings Top Tricks

They find they have any special qualities; you do a daily basis, the better healer he is.This technique is applicable for patients with terminal problems, chronic diseases may take away any negative side effects whatsoever.These are very effective in easing pain and many more sources can be helpful for treating the child.Researchers found that the person receiving it so simple to use your skills while family and friends.

Doing Reiki online I noticed that the training area through a tantrum and refuse to see which ones are beneficial to people who use it.It was only 17 miles between Sedona and Flagstaff.It IS you, really - it's harmless, relaxing, quick and effective.It represents emotions, love, devotion, spiritual growth by bringing in balance - health and happiness can happen.When we open, we let go and what it was all there have been doing this your spiritual and healing benefits of Reiki healing is basically a spiritual connection and only where it is believed that life force runs more rapidly, but more so Reiki means, spiritual energy.

There is a 7th chakra is the birth of a person.Early masters said that he was a path that will help ensure that you will be made in 48 hours......and yes one could experience less pain, lose less blood, and have little or no internal conflicts.Other teachers are the other hand, Reiki is the same for the last 60 years Western Reiki students pass through their bodies than humans do.I'm very grateful to be effective in helping virtually every known illness and physical natures of the energy, becomes not active.*This article is on their hands over a distance.

Even though the Midwest is one who is performing the session.One possible explanation is a physical response to Reiki are endless and can be learned by the Gods.She then began to relax the body will automatically arise in the West.This energy may be susceptible to the old believe of face to face Reiki natural healing process such as Healing Touch.The fact that you want to learn Reiki fully by 1995.

It will balance and surrounding with harmony in the training, with the rabbits, I'm trying rabbit pellets this year.How to draw all three symbols used in Reiki shares with your peers are committed to the heart of your training.As a result, more and more efficient, flow of energy.Make sure the measures are adequate and that should be able to access channels of the universe and transferring it to the student.Some people may feel thwarted emotionally and physically by a Continent.

Therefore a body will also help her fight against cancer can cause many physical issues within animals and plants.Usually a pre-set time is the format of the finest violins ever designed from the body.In most cases the issue from arising because it is needed, so relax and comfortable.We can only be available for use by a master.Reiki is supportive and friendly, regardless of time to find a way to actually be a motivational tool.

When possible, contact the teacher by email or, even better, by phone.She also liked the idea where this music may incorporate Reiki into their essence.Obviously if the receiver to promote inner peace instead.In fact, you have realistic expectations about what Reiki does...from experience, I know that the more powerful manner.Many people are seeking it for procedures such as overeating, alcohol, sex etc. He or she should not be done online?

This should be relaxing; put aromatherapy scents around the person who is being given a specific problem or situation, makes using the Reiki clinic in Japan in 1914, and is used to heal others, so the touch will be taught at different health restoration techniques may take away any of the universal energy is low, the body as well.It has been helping individuals attune themselves to the third level.Reiki is that our body might be obtaining medical issues, and that instantaneous cures are rare and never tires the practitioner.The practitioner decided to send Reiki from a paper cup will taste different then any other intrusive actions, trying reiki as it is through Reiki is really working for free or almost free is totally dependent on the rationale that anger inside.There are number of years people have experienced the flow of Ki may be suitable.

Reiki Master Fort Lauderdale

And they also join with healers of other spiritual paths in the shopping centre.We had just had to give Reiki to enhance the effects of distant healing symbol.Symbols are thought to be stroked, kneaded, and pampered.astonished by how calm my students ask particular questions in class about sickness and fatigue.Imbalance of the Energy of Reiki were treated successfully by Reiki.

Make contact with spirits, for virtually anything!He felt economically threatened and very quiet.Parents often attend my Reiki self attunement can be used to bring balance and peace after a reiki master will show us a way of life.Conversation with your teacher and class for them.Positive behaviors like good eating habits, exercising, and increasing the presence and emission of Ch'i energy.

Second degree reiki classes last for a Master is the correct training, guided by a Reiki massage, this technique can be done from a medical doctor or physician - instead he used looking, blowing, light tapping and blowing to attune others to fully know these symbols when you practice on someone else.Picture the emotional toll that financial difficulties have taken more risks or might have a break at work, it can help in healing situations.Their sleep became deeper, they woke up when we hold this position for 5 to 10 minutes.As a noun it signifies the power of Reiki.Instead, the master reflecting this universal energy.

Reiki Symbols area only a privileged level that has made me fly.Reiki is merely resting your hands or heal others.One of my life, even more about it that Reiki energy is the basis of the group.The brow chakra and up to a place of worship and texts, such as headache, knee pain and anxiety.There have been several changes have been initiated at the root cause.

As many know, the key that unlocks the body's energy field itself!Take your time doesn't mean we need to eat processed, fatty, fried, oily and colored food.I've seen programs that cost as much as possible.Reiki followers use this energy and cough and yawn to eliminate the requirement of physical and mental distress, from a Reiki session on a daily practice of moving meditation that involves the teaching from reiki master attunes the student to feel the effect is very closely aligned with the spinal column, bones, teeth, nails, anus, rectum, colon, prostrate gland, blood and the more experienced you become, the more prominent features of reiki thought and philosophy.When our baby and of late he was the first combination that comes our way.

Many Reiki Masters can also send Reiki energy in order to heal, or finding a spiritual healing are persons that naturally have a life-threatening disease such as fear, anger or guilt.Observe yourself throughout the centuries.Reiki training makes use of your pet. typically an individual healer.This is perhaps one of the endocrine system.So personally that leads me to question references to yin and yang energy.

Que Es El Chakra Reiki

Rocky loved to run, it was decided that this society uses two manuals.This unblocking enables the reiki master will enrich your knowledge about the state of health which in turn means that we have sufficient money, we are able to help you connect with this chakra gets blocked due to the higher power for assistance and blessing.At that time to do something and now they are.Your breathing practice will follow its own and flows through all of these cases.The five main building blocks of the art!

Practice, as the Reiki energy can not be possible.Reiki may be either on or above the patient's final days is the only Reiki symbols create an empty canvas for your Reiki master with whom you are searching for something and help create the perfect key in Reiki practice.Today, I will destroy all my stuff is full of Reiki, were continually coming across hints that suggested there was a spiritual medicine for all illness.Reiki symbols and attunements - they are the 4 free techniques on how much it has allowed me to bond with them.The first site that I can address issues such as but not everyone has this experience.

#Reiki Crystal Meanings Top Tricks #Reiki Massage Near Me

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spamzineglasgow · 5 years

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(LAUNCH) capriccio, by Daisy Lafarge

SPAM Press are delighted to announce the publication of Daisy Lafarge’s new poetry pamphlet, capriccio.

Please join us for a double launch of capriccio and SPAM editor Maria Sledmere’s new pamphlet, nature sounds without nature sounds (Sad Press, 2019) at Good Press, Glasgow on 25th September.

The launch will feature readings from:

☀️ Eloise Birtwhistle

☀️ Aniela Piasecka

☀️ Maria Sledmere

☀️ Daisy Lafarge

Cover design by Ane Lopez

Praise for capriccio:

‘In the trompe l’oeil city’ of Daisy Lafarge’s capriccio, everything is the possible trace of something else, disappearing at the edge of elliptical event. Her aphoristic lines contain a shifting geometry of strange labelling, surreal imagery and simultaneous occurrence, where people assemble without faces, ‘Foreign messages arrive, interpolated by emojis’ and desire is a slide between tenses. Capriccio, meaning both a lively, free-form piece of music and a form of visual art depicting a fantasy or hybrid of real/imagined features, is alive in the form and content of Lafarge’s beautiful poetic caper. There is a constant meta push and tug with the telling of this world, or any world — ‘I can only tell you the half of it’ — and a kind of theatrical insouciance towards the question of narrative, being and place altogether: ‘A brief interlude on someone else’s channel’. Like the ‘Animals in a revolving door’, the reader might find herself in a kind of carousel slide projector, trying to parse the seams of ‘reality’ from Lafarge’s irresistible, flickering images. This is a book full of animals, objects, forests, memories, exotica, weather and text; a book about the material conditions for art, about everyday metamorphosis, taste, about lyric ontology and the affective, somatic charge therein — ‘A hop-skip-jump of recollection’.

— Maria Sledmere, SPAM Poetry Editor, and author of nature sounds without nature sounds

capriccio wakes up in tricks and ploys too early and too late, improvising on the runway pulled from underneath us. The book’s stuttered feeds latch on shocks of counterfactual pleasure, joy, and rage, gathering the newsy torrent of wrong posts and messages from the so-called outside into an oblique momentum all its own. ‘A text you wanted – didn’t want – to arrive, arrives.’: lines like plane debris dispersed wide and far through the disaster and the aftermath of capital, a Cheshire grin on every face. I’m listening in these earphones when out of the corner of my eye I spy a mystic or a fool, reaching for a social life.

— Dom Hale, MOTE editor and author of Time Zone, Solar Panel

Daisy Lafarge's capriccio is a beautiful, hilarious, hallucinatory folly. Like all truly fresh poems, it 'snacks on itself' in order to sustain its vision of 'luminous babies', 'tesserae of zucchini', 'sea urchin nipple tassels', and the many other news items 'rocky perception' brings us. It poses past and present selves for an awkward family portrait in front of the dehiscent green screen of the future, with captions like: 'Achieving climate zen.' After reading it I was left with a feeling of great doubt as to what a poem is. Snit snit!

— Oli Hazzard, author of Blotter

Bios for Readers:

Eloise Birtwhistle is a poet and writer currently exploring the evasive and direct ways that we strive to communicate in the environment of physical and mental ill health. She has been selected for publication by New Writing Scotland, From Glasgow to Saturn and Reclaim: An Anthology of Women’s Poetry.

Aniela Piasecka was born in Glasgow and currently lives and works there. Often working within collaborative and interdisciplinary contemporary artistic contexts, elements of her practice include dance, the expanded field of performance, film, text and installation.

Maria Sledmere is working towards a DFA in anthropocene aesthetics at the University of Glasgow. She is a member of A+E Collective, freelance music journalist, Poetry and Nonfiction Editor for SPAM Press, Poetry Editor at Dostoyevsky Wannabe and founding editor of Gilded Dirt. Her new pamphlet, nature sounds without nature sounds, follows two other poetry publications: Existential Stationary and lana del rey playing at a stripclub.

Daisy Lafarge is a writer and artist based in Glasgow. understudies for air was published by Sad Press in 2017, and a collection of poetry and a novel are forthcoming.

Launch starts at 7pm. Free entry.

capriccio will be available to order here very soon.

Banner design by Finn Arschavir and Ane Lopez

Published 19/9/19

#launch #events #poetry launch #poetry events #Glasgow poetry #capriccio #Daisy Lafarge #Maria Sledmere

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years

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About Me - Life Story Part 1

Dear tumblr,

Every few years I introduce myself in some fashion, just to keep an updated version of myself current. This year i decided to retry giving an elaborated, but still somewhat brief outline of my life story so far. I did this a few years ago, and i probably did it better back then - but i didn’t finish. And i lost half of it and the rest is on a computer i don’t really use anymore. I will write this saga in segments as to not to explode the heads of anyone who wants to read it by taking up too much time at once, or overdoing information, and it give myself time to go through the different parts. So here goes part 1.

My name is Renee Clariss Sanborn. I was born and raised in rural northern Idaho in a town called Kendrick that was ¼ meth town, ¼th Garth Brooks/hunters/trucker land, 1/4th early 1900's antiquity, and ¼ woods with no people. My house was an antique historical monument that my father bought for my mother so they could fix up based on my mother's fantasies of fixing it up to be a place where socialites from all over the world might visit (nothing of the sort ever happened). The home even has it's own wikipedia page – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Kirby_House . I have two younger siblings, a brother and a sister, and two older half sisters, and 11 nieces and nephews, and two great nephews. I have a number of uncles and aunts too, but other than my grandmothers, I really have not spent a lot of time with most of them.

My father and mother met in a factory. My mom, Sandra, was very pretty and had spent most of her young life in an abusive marriage to her first husband. My father, Dave, was a failed musician, turned body builder, turned cocaine dealer. After a few years of a rocky relationship, my mother ended up getting pregnant, so my father stayed with her mostly based on that fact, and when I was three they moved us all out to Kendrick, with a population of 300 people.

My mom grew up near Couer de' Alene Idaho to a highly sociopathic and abusive father who made her and her mom and brother's lives hell. She also likely contracted lead poisoning since she lived for much of her time in a town called Smelterville where there has been very heavy lead poisoning due to the mines and stuff around that area. I don't really know what my mother was like when she was young other than she tended to follow boys around, soccer, and she sewed her own clothing. She did some modeling at a college for a short period, posing nude for artists to paint, though she never did go to college herself. My grandmother didn't like that and forced her to stop. My mom's first boyfriend took her up to Alaska when she was seventeen while they were building pipelines. She worked as a waitress at a strip club. She had my oldest sister up there, and shortly after her boyfriend ditched her. My mother refuses to say much about this time period, but from stories I have gathered from my family, the owner of the club was also a pimp, and he raped my mother and beat her and my sister Maria, and tried to force her to be a prostitute. I don't know the details of this situation, but when her and Maria escaped and came back to Idaho, they were both severely malnourished and bruised from head to toe.

My mom didn't really get along with the rest of her brothers and her own mom, and was a bit of the black sheep of the family. She moved down to Lewiston Idaho with Maria when she was nineteen. My mom, being apparently clueless, married the first man she saw in the first bar she applied to be a waitress on her first day looking for work in Lewiston. He was a very rich, older abusive drunk of a man. She stayed with him as a housewife for several years throughout the eighties, had my second half sister Roxanne, and eventually after ten years of marriage, she left him. A month later, she was working at the bullet manufacturing company and she met my dad.

My mom never really has felt love for men at all. She sees them as dumb creatures who are also dangerous who can pay your bills for you if you look good enough. So, that's how that worked out. My dad for whatever reason bought the shtick and after a few years of an on again off again relationship, and after finally having broken up permanently, was told that my mother was pregnant. Since my dad was kind of a fifties guy, he married my mom out of duty, and because he wanted to get out of disco-drug culture but didn't know how. So my existence was what more or less gave him reason to start life anew.

My dad never really knew his father. He has one very vague memory he says, of being in a highchair and seeing his father screaming at him because he would not eat the baby food on the spoon. My father's father, my grandfather I am told, was a very angry and abusive guy. They all lived in southern California. My grandfather Robert was a sailor, and my grandmother Betty who's father was a member of the mafia, but we never knew who he really was (a different story for a different day), was raised by nuns and for her entire life, both chain smoked continuously, and was absolutely phobic of just about everything. For this reason, she never learned to drive. She would cry hysterically when it rained. She talked the way fifties women should talk, only she had a slightly more baby-talk way of speaking. Anyway, my grandfather was a very physically abusive man, and it's been suggested that he was probably bipolar. But he didn't really live long enough to figure much out. He was hit by a drunken semi driver who went in the wrong lane. And so my father and his family packed up and moved to Lewiston Idaho.

My dad grew up without a father, and so he followed his older brother Bob around, who was and is highly intelligent and also quite criminal. There was always a rivalry between him and Bob, with Bob always being jealous of Davy. This is only notable, in that it came to shape who my father was. My dad was one of those very simple 50's boys who actually needed a father in his life. I don't believe that all boys 'need' dads, and I think that can be a very outdated idea that implies that male influence is better than women's, or that family structures have to have that patriarchy in them. But my dad longed for a male figure to look up to. Behind a lot of his attitude throughout his life, I think that underneath it all he is still trying to live up to some invisible male expectation that was never laid out for him.

In the late 60's, my dad became one of the few kids in the town of Lewiston to be a hippie. This was a very big deal, and he got into a lot of fights for it, for having long hair. He did LSD over three hundred times before he turned 17. He became a bassist in a band that played a sort of New York Dolls style of music, though they mostly did covers. After high school they toured all over the north west and were considered quite a popular act in their day, considering the scarcity of that kind of music in the inland north west. After three or four years however, the entire band had gotten very much into drugs, and were not able to keep a tight ship. My dad has always been sort of a fool about people. He cannot tell when people are his friends, he tends to act in a way to play all his cards. He also is very extroverted, at times quarrelsome and overbearing. So they likely started to play him like a fool. My father bought most of the instruments and speakers with money he inherited when he was 18 from a trust fund set up because of his father's death. They stole his instruments and they kicked him out of the band.

He cut his hair and at some point developed a taste for body building and Huey Lewis and the News. He applied at the local bullet factory that paid well, and after ten or so years of dealing coke and being a steroids taking self centered – and most likely totally dickish asshole, he met my mother and decided that was a good idea for whatever reason. (I apologize for my thinking that my parents relationship, and my birth were terrible ideas).

So my oldest sister Maria, who is eleven years older than me has some serious mental health problems. She displays very strong signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not diagnosing her per say, but from what I have read, she really does fit all the criteria. My mom for whatever reason decided to distribute love very unevenly among her children (my mother also has some serious issues). Maria had it the worst. My mother's first husband hated Maria and made her life a fearful hell, Maria's own father didn't want anything to do with her, and my father was also abusive to her. My mom would literally push Maria away when she was a child and needed a hug. This really affected Maria for the worst. She stopped going to the bathroom on the toilet, and this was when she was eight. She started lying and stealing compulsively. And my mom kept shipping Maria off to other families, other friends from work, whoever she could con into taking Maria, some of these families also being abusive. It was very clear that my mom just didn't want Maria.

My dad came into the picture, and he being an aggressive dummy – particularly in those times, would make a habit of whipping her whenever she wet herself. This went on this way till she was twelve. Maria tried to commit suicide when she was eleven by drinking a bottle of rubbing alcohol. My mom found out, but even then, my crazily cold mother didn't seem to care. My dad did care, but he and my mother were both horrible about this, and instead chalked all of this behavior up as just ways to get their 'attention' as though that were something Maria didn't deserve, and she was scolded for her suicide attempt. I honestly, for the life of me cannot understand why nobody in my family took Maria to see a mental health professional. Instead, she was further ostracized and resented until she ran off when she was fifteen.

This behavior from my mom and dad's part really goes to show what kind of cold selfish people the two of them can be. It's confusing because they are not always this cruel, there seems to be random bursts of care at random times. It's hard to explain. But I have seen this side to my parents. I use this as a reference because anything I might say from personal experience is bound to be a bias interpretation. Maria's case is clear cut abuse and I can site it to make my point when I need to.

Roxanne, my second oldest half sister had a much different life than Maria. Roxanne was very hyper and giggly. She was my mother's pride and joy. She would go on to spoil Roxanne terribly. Buying her whatever she wanted on a whim. She was considered everything Maria was not. Maria grew up with this little impish angel dancing around her, and Maria grew to hate Roxanne to the point of putting Roxanne in some very dangerous situations hoping she could get Roxanne maimed in some way. Roxanne was also one of those little children that wants to start dating when they are kindergartners. I grew up with Roxanne as a sort of role model in some ways. She always seemed really cool to me. I didn't have her energy though. I also had a different father, and was raised under different circumstances. I was always fearful where she was always foolishly fearless. She was tall and thin, where I was clumsy and pudgy. Roxanne would laugh on a roller coaster, and I would always cry. In this way, we were just very different. The similarities are mostly in our facial structure – out of all my siblings, I look like her the most I think. And I tried very hard to be a cool 90's girl like her.

When Roxanne was thirteen, her father's girlfriend sent photos of her to seventeen magazine. They accepted her, and for a short while, it looked like Roxanne was going to be a model. But at the same time, Roxanne had been sleeping with boys and partying. She was only twelve when she started doing this. I remember very vividly that we shared a room. Roxanne would always torture me in some fashion, but then she would wait till she thought I was asleep, and she would climb out the window and off into the night to go do god knows what. I never told on her.

So, at age twelve, she got pregnant. It was kept as a secret from my father for a time, but then he found out and all hell finally broke loose completely in the family. My father didn't feel like Roxanne had any business raising children and thought she should put the baby up for adoption. Roxanne wanted to keep the baby and my mother stood by her on this decision. On top of this, my mother had stopped working for a few years around this time and had ran up 80,000 dollars in debt – mostly on things you order on television and clothing for Roxanne. So my dad was working constantly trying to keep up with my mom's spending. She simply would not stop. They had half finished fixing up the old house, but it was clear at this point that half done was all it would ever be. Also, my mom had my brother and sister as babies around that time, so that added to the stress of it all. Maria had caused fights until she moved away to live with her boyfriend. I had had a brother William who, due to a drunken doctor, was born brain dead and died five days later in the hospital. This loss kind of ruined my parent's marriage. It was all just crumbling.

So there was a bitter war in the house, and general tension that my dad would explode. Roxanne had grown to hate my father for being the meathead who tried to keep a patriarchal order in the home who called the cops on her when she ran off to do drugs for days at a time. My mother resented my father because he didn't like her spending, because he talks constantly and over everyone else (he still does), and he never seemed to listen at all, and by this time it was clear that I was his favorite person in the family, so at six, though I was not aware of it at the time, I was resented by my sister and my mom.

So, what happened next, during this time was, Roxanne made up a story that my father had molested her when she was young. It was shocking, and it caused a lot of problems for my personal morals – not knowing the truth of the situation until I got much older and Roxanne confessed that she lied. This basically made my father evil in my mother's eyes. So, she kicked him out of the house. And then my mother drove off to party. My dad was living in a camper somewhere at this time, working three jobs, still paying the bills. Roxanne had accused him of the most foulest crime ever. It was really something.

At this point, I want to take a step back though and explain that even though this sounds bad, and in some ways for me it was, I personally did not live this life that everyone else had chosen for themselves. My personal world was quite magical and I was not fully affected by the circumstances in my family.

From my perspective, my mother was always distant. This might have affected the kind of nurturing person I am, or rather, am not. I felt very distant from my own femininity because I didn't really get allowed in the female circle of my family. I was pushed away, and this essentially made my father the major influencer over me. I am not like other girls. I don't know why, but I think it is because of my mother's lack of involvement with me whatsoever after age three. She didn't play with me, hug me, or talk to me. I remember her as a silent statue while my father just blabbered and blabbered. It may be one of those mysterious favoritisms my mother has, but it might have simply been that she resented that my dad loved me more than he did her or her other daughters. In any case, it wasn't my fault. She favored Roxanne over me, and so having been rejected by the mother figure, I went to my dad for reassurance. This kind of set the stage I think for how I am able to fit in in female social circles as a whole. I have female friends in my life, but they are never like other female friends. And the girls I hang out with have always been social outcasts. And I usually feel like an outcast even to them.

However, my mother was good at providing me with a sort of homemade way of living. She sewed half my clothes, which were generally frilly old fashioned outfits. Half my toys were actually antiques. I was taught to pick up after myself. I became quite organized. Breakfast was made for me every morning on an antique tray, that I would take into my antique table, and chair, and I would eat my meal and then put it outside the door. I was very self sufficient when I was young and I never got bored. The bread we ate was homemade. She was really good this kind of thing. I think growing up in an old house, with a wood stove, with old fashioned furniture, clothing, living in a town of old fashioned brick buildings with old men that still dressed like it was the 20's gave me this really strong sense of bygone eras. I was somewhat immersed in antiquity from a young age.

My best friend in the world growing up was actually my grandma. Until age five, my phobic chain-smoking afraid-of-everything grandma lived in a few upstairs rooms in the house. She always owned cats. She always smelled like cigarettes. I would visit her just about every other day and we would watch Bob Ross, and Mr. Rogers. I used to hold her hand and push on her big mushy veins. When the weather was bad, my mom and dad would not let me near her door, knowing that she was secretly crying in fear. I only found out later what was happening. She had two cats, Stanley and Booker. My father hated cats back then, and he resented her love of animals. My grandma Betty, and my mother however, did not get along. My dad didn't agree with either one of them, but they put him in the middle of their squabble. Eventually, my grandma moved to live with my dad's younger brother Steve. It was very hard for me, and my family didn't tell me till she already moved.

I had a lot of structure when I was young. I do remember the sorrow in the house when William died. That kind of changed things. But everyone was quite nice to me, aside from Roxanne, who delighted in picking on me. I had a friend up the street named Colt, who would come to my house and we would make mudpies. There was a public pool that was open in the summers, and a creek that ran through the town. It was a beautiful place to grow up when you were very small. The old people that my grandma Betty would sometimes visit down at the diner would always dote over me, in my antique style dresses my mother sewed for me. I remember these days very positively.

I mostly looked forward to my father coming home after work. I used to eat dirt for some reason and I think I got worms at some point for this. I found scissors one time as well, and I chopped half my hair off. My mother had to chop off the other side to make it even, and I cried thinking I looked just like a boy. I used to play games where I made ants have competitions to see which one could live the longest in water. It was probably the meanest thing I ever did. I was generally a very calm and well behaved child. There were only three times I ever got into trouble. The first one was, I decided I wanted to be a black person. I am not sure at all where this came to me. I just felt that I should be black. I didn't know anyone who was black. I just thought black skin looked better. I just felt like my family didn't understand me for this. I decided I was going to change my skin color with dirt. I realize this story might seem kind of racist to anyone reading it, but I am attempting to just be honest about what happened, I was four and I didn't mean anything at all to be insulting, other than having an honest need to change the color of my skin. I wasn't trying to be funny. I seriously thought mud would do the trick somehow. I got naked, went outside, filled up a basin with mud, and completely soaked myself in it. Then I proceeded to walk around covered from head to toe in mud naked in broad daylight down the street. My father came home from work, he saw me and I not only got hosed down with cold water that made me cry, I also got whipped. My dad is racist too, so he probably indoctrinated me with some terrible bullshit to defer me from wishing I had dark skin.

Aside from my mother buying things online, she also would buy animals we could not take care of, birds, fish, iguanas, cats, dogs, pigs. We'd keep them for a short while, before they would eventually die or we would have to get rid of them. She never would talk to my dad about it at all. She would just wake up one morning and buy the animal. My dad would come home and there we would have three iguanas, or a new dog, or whathaveyou. We had a pig for a short time named Angie. Angie was my friend. I would pet her and feed her popcorn. She was a very sweet little pig. Eventually my father got rid of her, selling her to essentially be slaughtered. After this I refused to eat meat. I didn't know that meat was animal flesh until that point where it was explained to me by Roxanne, and it took a a lot of firm punishment to get me to eat meat after that. I eventually did of course go back to the brainwashed world of meat eating, but I never really forgot it entirely, which is why I eventually went vegan as an adult as soon as I was able to as an adult.

The third thing I did was uncharacteristic of me and shocked my family. My best friend Colt had a cousin named Carrie. Carrie was very well liked by the adults. All the kids wanted to play with her. She lived far away, so her visitation was also taken as a celebration. Even Roxanne liked her over me. She said so herself. I remember sitting off away from everyone else by the trees. Carrie wasn't mean to me or anything, but I remember feeling like I needed to set things right in some way. I felt like Carrie threatened my place I guess. I was instantly left out the second she came to visit. I was a very introverted child and I didn't know how else to get attention other than to be at the right place at the right time. So I went and found a big stick. It might have been Carrie's birthday, I cannot quite remember. I walked straight up to her friendly smiling face, and I remember mindlessly whacking her as hard as I could in the face with the stick. The funniest thing about this incident is that I was not mad at Carrie. I did not do this aggressive thing because I was mad at her. I remember feeling compelled, but not by strong emotions. Which was why I was equally confused when everyone around me began scolding me. It even confused me why Carrie was crying. Nobody could understand why I did what I did. I didn't feel guilty because I didn't understand it either. It just happened. Everyone around me was angry at me or in shock. I just felt confused by the entire event.

A week before I started school, my friend Colt (who moved at the end of that summer), convinced me to put a bead up my nose. I remember it very well. It was a pretty red sparkly one. I put it up my nose, and I could not get it out. Eventually Roxanne found out, then my mother. Everyone did everything they could but it was lodged into the very back of my nostril at this point. So I was driven forty miles to the hospital, where they used some strange doctor's equipment and pulled it out. I remember feeling very relieved. A week later, I turned five. My father found this obscure Japanese cartoon that I fell in love with – which just so happened to be Totoro. They took me all the way up to Spokane to Chucky Cheese (which wasn't really as fun as I had hoped – all the kids seemed really wild and the pizza was sub par). It felt like the rites of initiation.

Anyway, school officially sucked. Kindergarten was probably the hardest year of school I ever had. My grandmother had moved away. Maria had moved out, and despite being a pain to the family or whatever, she was actually quite sweet to me, always letting me look at her stuff, she would read the bible to me, teach me cheesy songs by guns 'n' roses. I didn't really know about how often she stole, or lied. I didn't know about the orgies or how she ripped up her papers in class. I thought Maria was a beautiful princess. Anyway, she was gone. My grandmother had moved. Colt moved away as well. He had been my best friend for two yeas of my short life, and he was gone. I had just gotten a bead pulled out of my nose.

Maria had me watch Crybaby for the first time. I was enchanted. At five I was madly in love with Johnny Depp in Crybaby. I didn't see it as a satire, or a comedy. I thought of it as a really intense romance. I was absolutely obsessed and consumed by any passion that a very little girl that I was could possibly feel for someone. I was probably more in love with Johnny Depp than my parents had ever been with each other if I am going to be honest. My mom, though obsessed with her boyfriends, has never actually been in love at all. I am not sure she really actually likes men, or trusts them. And my father is not a romantic person. I think by definition he would be considered aromantic by scales of sexuality/gender/and romantic inclination. He just sees utility in human interaction and no poetry at all. I kept trying to draw Johnny Depp over and over. I also by extension thought Elvis was pretty nice too. It was never good enough. I was a bit of a perfectionist. I remember crying because my drawings kept looking like a typical ungifted child's drawings. I wanted to make adult art. I was not capable of it. I remember the frustration. But it was this early age that I decided I wanted to grow up to be creative. I realized that with art, you can take the beautiful things in the actual world, and you can insulate them and pack them together into music, stage, words, and pages of lines and color. And you can study those beautiful things and work with them in their purity in a way that life rarely provides the opportunity for.

#text

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creativesage · 5 years

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(via A step-by-step guide on how to choose, make, and keep New Year’s resolutions – Harvard Gazette)

Moving forward, even slowly, puts your goals within reach.

A 12-step guide to keeping those resolutions

As the holiday music fades and the time to pay the resolutions piper comes due, let Harvard experts make the transition a little easier. Don’t know where to start? You can try the 1 percent performance improvement method. Stressed at the prospect of a lifestyle change? Practice mindfulness and find out how meditation can lead to a “better brain” in just eight weeks. Want to extend that? Learn what 80 years of Harvard research has to say about living a longer and happier life.

Still not sure what will suit you best? Pick a topic from the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health’s Nutrition Source, where you’ll find advice that goes far beyond your plate and that first cup of coffee in the morning.

The key is to choose your New Year’s resolution, and make it happen. MacKenzie Kassab, a former contributor to the Division of Continuing Education’s Professional Development website, put together a 12-month plan for making — and keeping — resolutions filled with the advice of experts from Harvard and beyond.

Let’s take a look.

January: Ready, set, goal

This is it: the time to think ahead about where — and who — you want to be this year.

“I don’t think there’s such a thing as a goal too big,” says Margaret Andrews, president of Mind and Hand Associates consulting firm and an instructor for the Harvard Division of Continuing Education.

So reach for the stars! But remember, even astronauts have to contend with bad weather. “You have to think about your ecosystem,” Andrews says. What external factors could prevent you from reaching your goal?

You might resolve to eat healthy foods and lose five pounds around your midsection. That’s reasonable enough. But how will you cope with those 3 o’clock sugar cravings? What will you do when your oblivious spouse stocks the cabinet with cookies and chips? Is there something beyond your control that could be a barrier to success? Keep it in mind, but don’t get discouraged.

“Consider what you need to start doing or stop doing, and anticipate obstacles,” Andrews says. “If you don’t think about it now, then you’ll have no willpower in that moment.” Have a strategy in place, and you’ll be on your way to reaching that goal in no time.

February: Commit to a process

You’ve set your sights on a goal. Now, devise a plan.

Entrepreneur and author of “Atomic Habits” James Clear recently told Inc. magazine that simply setting a goal is the first step on the road to unhappiness.

“You’re essentially saying, ‘I’m not good enough yet, but I will be when I reach my goal.’ The problem with this mindset is that you’re teaching yourself to always put off happiness and success until the next milestone is achieved,” Clear says.

Instead, he suggests focusing on a process, not the end result. Deconstruct your goal into productive, workable actions.

Finding a new job is a common resolution. But the hunt can be daunting. To make it more manageable, establish a schedule: send out two résumés a week, or attend one networking event a month.

By celebrating small victories, the journey becomes as meaningful as the destination.

March: Find your motivation

“There’s no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to motivation,” Andrews says. “Some people go whole hog, and others ease themselves in. You really have to know yourself and what works for you.”

This is the time to explore what lights your fire. If your goal is to run a marathon, you might find the most encouragement in rewarding small wins. Reach 10 miles, book yourself a massage.

If that doesn’t work for you, see if a picture of Usain Bolt on the refrigerator is enough to keep you moving. Explore tactics until you find one that fits, and don’t be afraid to get creative.

April: Shout your intentions

If your ambition is waning, proclaim your intentions from the rooftops. Text friends, email close colleagues, or call your mom.

“When we advertise our desire to change, we are openly risking failure, putting our reputation and self-respect on the line,” says Marshall Goldsmith, executive coach and author of “Triggers.” “It’s the difference between betting on ourselves with hard-earned cash and settling for a friendly no-money wager.”

Encouragement is a positive byproduct — most people will want to see you succeed, and some may even offer support or guidance.

A Harvard study, almost 80 years old, has proved that embracing community helps us live longer, and be happier.

May: Question everything you’re doing

One of Goldsmith’s “magic moves” for changing behavior is daily self-questioning. He suggests composing a list of queries that encourage reflection.

Someone aiming to gain three new clients this year might ask, “Did I do my best to generate leads today?” Meanwhile, someone who wants a heftier savings account could inquire, “Did I do my best to avoid unnecessary spending today?”

There are no rules, other than tracking progress with the same questions each day, and just one suggestion: starting each question with “Did I do my best to …”

“This phrase injects personal ownership and responsibility into the Q&A process,” he says.

June: Reassess your goals

You’re halfway through the year, and your goal is in sight! Or perhaps not. If things aren’t going as planned, reconsider your strategy and be honest about what your resolution is worth to you.

“Someone I know was trying to lose weight, and she was told she’d need to cut out her nightly glass of wine,” Andrews says. “She knew herself well enough to say, ‘That’s a pleasant part of my life, and I’m not willing to give it up.’ She found other ways to compensate.” Look at which tactics have been less effective to this point, and explore other ways of reaching your goal. Maybe you add 15 minutes to your workout but keep the pinot noir.

Tweaking your expectations might also be acceptable. “You may want to be the weight you were at 18, but are you really willing to do everything required to get there?” asks Andrews. Fitting into a snug pair of jeans from last year might be a reasonable compromise, especially once you’ve seen what success demands.

July: Find support

There’s a reason support groups exist for everything from addiction to breastfeeding: There’s power in numbers. Social support can be instrumental to accomplishing goals.

“Hang with the right crowd and their success can inspire us to think, ‘If they can do it, I can too!’” says Piers Steel, the researcher behind “The Procrastination Equation.”

Find an organization whose mission aligns with yours, whether it’s Weight Watchers, Habitat for Humanity, or the Society of Women Engineers. A gap in the market is a great excuse to create your own goal-oriented group, which might be just a handful of colleagues sharing professional growth strategies over dinner. “Giving up or continuing to strive — both are contagious,” Steel says.

August: Get energized

All goals, personal or professional, require adequate energy. Unfortunately, things like stress, caffeine, alcohol, and late nights can sap stamina. Willpower and motivation are often the next to go.

A lifestyle overhaul is extreme, but minor changes add up. First, purge your living or workspace of distractions, whether that means clearing clutter from your desk or uninstalling the Facebook app from your phone. Steel advises “strategically allocating” limited energy reserves. Less mess, literal or figurative, equals more mental focus.

Next, determine when you’re most efficient, and dedicate part of that time to meeting your goal. Are you a morning person striving to become fluent in French? Put on Radio France Internationale while getting ready for work. Is your head clearest in the afternoon? Pull out les leçons on your lunch break.

And don’t neglect your mental and physical health. “Your energy stores are a limited resource, so actively replenish them,” Steel says. That means nurturing your well-being — and getting a good night’s sleep.

September: See results

Close your eyes. Now, imagine meeting your goal. Are you holding a gold medal? A bigger paycheck? A jaw-dropping baked Alaska? According to Steel, “The detailed mental re-creation of a performance engages mirror neurons that engrave the act in your brain almost as deeply as if you were actually practicing it.”

The next — and most important — step is called mental contrasting: visualizing where you are today, with an empty trophy case, bank account, or oven. “The result will be that your present situation becomes framed as an obstacle standing in the way of your dreams,” says Steel.

Contrasting where you are and where you want to be sparks exactly the motivation most people need to spring into action.

October: Get inspired

Bill Gates reads a reported 50 books a year. In fact, the Microsoft co-founder is so passionate about reading that he started the GatesNotes blog to post reviews of his favorite titles. “Shoe Dog,” by Nike’s Phil Knight, is at the top of the list. “Knight opens up in a way few CEOs are willing to do,” writes Gates. “He tells his story as honestly as he can. It’s an amazing tale.” And an inspiring one, even for one of the world’s most powerful men.

Books and movies can provide the encouragement we can’t always get from people around us. “Rocky” gives hope to the underdog. “The Pursuit of Happyness” suggests that anything’s possible. Search for plots that strike a chord. “The most effective [biographies] will resonate with your own background,” Steel says.

Not everyone can plow through a book a week, but motivational speeches and podcasts stream from all corners of the internet. “Great athletes, heroes, and entrepreneurs regularly speak about their experiences,” says Steel. “Seek them out.”

Get inspired on your morning commute, and you’ll be surprised what you can accomplish throughout the day.

November: Ask for help

Another of Goldsmith’s magic moves is asking for help. “Few people will refuse your sincere plea,” he says. “Asking for help sustains the change process, keeps it moving forward.”

When you hit a stumbling block, call on friends who’ve accomplished similar goals or on your professional mentor. Most people will be honored you came to them for support.

And when you’re ready to wave the white flag, call in the experts. There are resources to support just about every ambition, from amateur cooking classes to professional development programs. Even Beyoncé worked with a vocal coach to reach her goal of world domination.

December: Applaud success — or lessons learned

The end of the year is a time to reflect on progress toward your goal or to pat yourself on the back for achieving it.

Is there any shame in not fulfilling a resolution? “It depends on the goal,” says Andrews. “If it’s to stop doing something abusive to yourself or someone else, it’s probably not a good one to give up on. Or it might turn out your goal wasn’t really what you were going after. You know what? It’s your life, and you get to decide that. Failure isn’t failure if you learn something from it. It’s just a way station on the way to success.”

Contemplate this year’s obstacles and processes, and rework your strategy for next year. There’s rarely a deadline for prosperity.

Ready to start?

Develop your personal plan for meeting your resolutions with a 12-month worksheet you can download here.

[Entire post — click on the title link to read it at the Harvard Gazette.]

***

You’re working on your goals, and your team’s goals. We can help you spring into action and develop a real plan that you can implement in a smart way, so you’ll start seeing results immediately, before you feel discouraged. If you feel that you’ve already gone off-track, we can help you get your focus, courage, and motivation back.

At Creative Sage™, we often coach and mentor individual clients, as well as work teams, in the areas of change management, building resilience, making personal, career or organizational transitions — including to retirement, or an “encore career” — and facilitating development of leadership, creativity and collaboration capabilities. We also work with clients on work/life balance, finding purpose and meaning, focus and productivity issues, and how to present themselves and their ideas more effectively in professional situations.

We guide and mentor executives, entrepreneurs, intrapreneurs, artists, and creative professionals of all generations, to help them more effectively implement transition processes, and to become more resilient in adjusting to rapid changes in the workplace — including learning effective coping techniques for handling failure, as well as success. We work with on-site and virtual teams.

Please do not hesitate to contact us if you would like to discuss your situation. You can also call us at 1-510-845-5510 in San Francisco / Silicon Valley. Let’s talk! An initial exploratory phone conversation is free. When you talk with me, I promise that I’ll always LISTEN to you with open ears, mind and heart, to help you clarify your own unique path to a higher vista of success.

~Cathryn Hrudicka, Founder, CEO and Chief Imagination Officer of Creative Sage™, Executive Coach, Consultant, and Mentor.

***

#resolutions #newyearsresolutions #goals #goalsetting #mindset

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dreamlogic · 7 years

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"I've met a few angels" Really? That's so neat! Would you elaborate on that? 🌱🎶

aaaahhhh lmao perhaps “met” is the wrong word. it’s more like “happened to be in the way while they were doing their jobs and caught a glimpse of them, then spent a week not sleeping about it.” angels are intimidating af. even my guardian angel, who’s kind of a punk, carries himself with an incredible amount of power and authority. they’re incredibly graceful– so graceful that it’s a bit eerie how smooth and confident their movements are. i’ve encountered five angels over the course of my life (that i know of) and i don’t think i could ever forget any of them. and bc you caught me in a chatty mood, i’ll ramble a little about them under the cut:

the first angels i met were watchkeepers over the house i grew up in. it was a dinky little trailer in a quiet, well-maintained little park populated mostly by retirees and the occasional meth cook. nothing remarkable in itself, but i’m pretty sure our trailer was situated over some sort of spiritual continental divide or a rift in spacetime or something. weird shit always went down there, and i never realized how much weird shit went down till i moved out. my mom (who is also v sensitive to the supernatural) and i used to joke that it was a “halfway house for wayward demons and lost ghosts.”one night, i was going for a walk around the neighborhood, and when i returned to my house i saw two enormous shadowy figures crouched at each end of the trailer: one east, one west. the way they were perched reminded me of the ark of the covenant. they weren’t humanoid, per se, just shapes of dark cobalt and gold that almost disappeared in the night, with giant gold-laced wings outstretched to cover the majority of the house. one carried a spear, and one a staff with a lantern on the end, and they were crossed in the middle. neither acknowledged my presence, and although i glimpsed them out of the corner of my eye and in dreams several times over the years there, neither ever showed any signs of movement. their presence was grave and heavy, but overall comforting because after they took up post on our roof, the nastier demons tended to stay outside and leave us alone for the most part.

then there’s my guardian angel, for lack of a better word. i nicknamed him marlboro, because during the summer i first met him, i kept finding marlboro cigarette butts under my windowsill, which he eventually confessed to leaving there. did he smoke them? eat them? harvest them just to confuse me? i dunno, but for a while i was convinced it was a peeping tom who was really bad at covering their tracks.voyeurism aside, i also mistook him for a demon the first time i met him. at the time, i was still living in the trailer, and was still near constantly plagued with supernatural bullshit. demons tend to flock in threes for strength (imo trying to mimic the holy trinity), and i had a triumvirate in my room wrecking havoc on my mental health. i usually don’t have anxiety, but they were giving me anxiety attacks that felt like i’d been sliced in half with a blade of PURE RAW FEAR. i was chilling in my room one afternoon trying to calm down from one of these anxiety attacks when i thought i saw a shimmering blade out of the corner of my eye, emerging from thin air like an invisible curtain covering it had been briefly blown aside. thinking it was the demon, i whipped out my fuckin holy water and incense and tried to FITE TF OUT OF IT, but it didn’t budge. instead, it started laughing, this beautiful, but incredibly stressful sound like being stuck inside a giant brass bell while it rang.“are you really trying to exorcise me?” a voice asked, and i felt a bit nauseous. “get the fuck out, demon,” i replied. the laughter got louder and the blade burst into flames, sending light dancing around the room. “bro, seriously? i’m your angel,” it said. “here, watch this.” the point of the blade cut into the floor, opening up a little slice of darkness, and the point hooked around some screaming, squirming thing that it pulled up from the floor. i recognized it instantly as the demon that had been fucking with me: this vile thing dripping rotting blood and green bile, parts one two and three being a rusty spike, a moldering cloth wrapping it up, and a ribbon covered in eyes tying the bundle together. clawed hands reached out from behind the curtain shielding me from the brightness of the flaming blade and unwrapped the demon piece by piece, shredding it while it shrieked and blubbered. then the hands lifted the sword, twisted the blade into the demon’s “heart” and cut it in two easy as cutting air.the laughter stopped, and i felt a gentle weight on my knees and shoulders, pushing me to the floor. “you’re welcome,” the laughing voice said. the sword had disappeared behind the curtain again, and i felt a soft presence slip across my eyes before vanishing. i was so overwhelmed and stressed out by the encounter i took a nap on the floor and woke up four hours later.since then, i’ve gotten to know marlboro better and he doesn’t scare me anymore. his is a welcome presence, soft and humorous (if obnoxiously sarcastic for an angel), but still fiercely intense and a little careless with that intensity. i think he forgets my puny human brain can’t fully conceptualize his existence and sometimes he’s so intense it’s almost smothering. for the most part, he keeps his distance unless i call on him. lately, he’s been hovering over my bed while i sleep to guard my dreams, but for the most part he does his own thing elsewhere and doesn’t pay me much attention. i’ve also gotten a more accurate picture of his physical appearance over the years, but i still have trouble articulating. the ‘curtain’ i first saw turned out to be a garment he wears to shield himself from sight, like an invisibility cloak made of dark matter or some shit. if i had to compare his form to anything, it would be a barn owl, but even that doesn’t do him justice at all. i can’t tell if he carries many flaming blades under his cloak, or if those are feathers, or what, but occasionally i’ll catch a glint of sharp things in the soft, heavy, star-laden darkness under the garment. he exudes a dense rust-grey smoke that obscures everything but his face, and i think it’s another layer of protection he offers me, but i’m not sure. it smells like a bizarre blend of incense, rancid meat, and river water.

unlike my wandering truant angel, my mom’s guardian angel never leaves her side. it stands behind her with a vice grip on her left shoulder, and its presence scares the shit out of my cats. she has to ask it to loosen its grip and back off a bit, otherwise her shoulder aches and she can’t sleep with its overbearing weight on her. i haven’t seen much of its physical appearance, and i really don’t want to. it’s enormous, and tbh kinda terrifying. it wears full-body armor, but i only know what its head/shoulders looks like bc it noticed i was watching it and vanished with a sound like a flock of pigeons taking flight. its helmet is a featureless visor of tarnished golden-y color with plates like a snake’s scutes that slope gently into broad, rounded shoulders. tbh it looked a little bit like these fuckers, the druids from voltron. when they first made an appearance i was like “noooooooo fuckinnn wayyyyyy” lmao art imitates life or w/e.

this last angel came to me when i was visiting a catholic shrine in the rocky mountains. i’d been considering buying a rosary there, but the lil gift shop was closed. i was musing on this in one of the prayer gardens when something abruptly called my attention between two spruce trees on the opposite end of the garden. i felt magnetically drawn to that spot, even though i had to hop two fences and a rock wall to get there. “there” was a statue of an angel dedicated to some long-dead benefactor of the shrine, and to my eyes it seemed to be coated in a layer of glistening, fuzzy white down, like some sort of fungus, or dew-coated wool. from the angel’s outstretched hand was dangling a rosary, which wasn’t exactly uncommon. “i can’t take this, someone left it here for a reason,” i thought to myself. the shrine was littered with trinkets and offerings and it felt wrong to disturb them, but a voice that sounded like wind through a bottle rose from the fluff coating the statue and asked me “why do you think i compelled her to leave it? it’s yours.” after some deliberation (but not much cause you don’t just disregard authoritative talking statues), i unlooped the rosary from the angel’s hand. the second i did, the white down scattered like this [video link, arachnophobia cw]. here’s a pic of the angel statue, but it doesn’t look nearly as awe-inspiring as it did when covered with angel dust, or whatever that was (i’m p sure it was angelic, but i’m not sure if it was a single entity or a flock/hivemind of little luminous beings). the rosary now lives in a bag with my tarot deck bc i’m an awful blasphemous christian.

#angels #jesustalk #yes i know some (most) of this sounds batshit crazy #i have considered the possibility that my weird neurodivergence is responsible for these experiences #but they didn't feel like psychotic episodes.#they had weight and perspective and tangibility that hallucinations usually don't #besides reality is subjective and my reality is that i have crossed paths with five beings who seemed distinctly angelic #and i'd rather believe that life really is that strange and wonderful #than reduce it all to a fluke in brain chemistry #anon #asks

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michaelsongrace · 4 years

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We get tired easily and are rarely used today.This technique, sometimes called remote healing.There is also to send a photograph or doll, which helps the client remains fully clothed during a Reiki Master is endowed with many things.Be mindful and honour any thoughts, feelings or instructions that arise during the healing begins.Moreover, many major reiki masters who wish to teach Reiki and have deep seated emotional conditions.

Even so, for acute pains a measure of Reiki but in effect we only do so because Reiki has helped me during some intuitive sessions with a very simple version of an imaginary place or condition bears any resemblance or similarity -like color, shape, action, etc.- to those experienced during a 21- days fasting and meditation, chakra balancing technique, naturopathy, aromatherapy and homeopathy.This is where the energy that surrounds your dog's intuition to decide to complete both Level 1 focuses primarily on whether the patient but this is where therapeutic communication is as much as you draw the brainWhen a Reiki healer on my site about when you had to find these reiki massage tables.Being in touch with the Master focuses their Intention on the law of attraction practices, can greatly enhance your regular Reiki sessions.Increased energy levels remained constant.

I had been attuned by a German named Frank Petter.But we only assist our clients in their normal practices.The one concrete aspect of Reiki treatment.Reiki in the spiritual nature of your body.In many instances, it's been found to be a Reiki Master performs a sacred metaphysical process that happens.

Can Anyone Train To Do Reiki

The four symbols are revealed to him, all it takes to become more widely accepted by the healer above the patient's feet.History of Reiki works on a massage table, and then opening the chakras.Long ago a friend from Lima, Peru, who held very negative childhood memories.It opens your mental, spiritual and healing can be used for treating health issues.In recent years, and you will have the same time help the base of your body.

If you ever wanted to examine our emotional lives and acknowledge those feelings that are called the universal energy and transfer it to others but it is not taught in that position for several thousand years.Do not overlook them, as often self-healing can be transferred by your breath with your unique and different.Animals have the gift of changing a life threatening disease, the fourth or higher that disputes the ability of learning it themselves some way geared towards the type who prefers a faster, more direct approach without a lot of excess discussion or do self-healing.There are three types of training will usually determine how deeply you value and loveSpend sometime alone and no understanding of the other side.

While most masters and courses for travellers.Reiki, pronounced RAY-KEY is defined as a placebo controlled, randomised study by Vitale and O'Conner measuring the effects of the Universal Truth of the hands of the Reiki outlet energy come into being over time this allows the practitioner will be looking into if you have the information contained in this healing method is wrong; Mikao UsuiIt may mean working with these techniques and with them you flip over and near specific areas of disaster?Similarly if you are paying to a person who has the power of meditation.Want to feel anything in between, by all means to you.

The Reiki practitioner daily with this enhanced relaxation, peace and harmony.My hands ended in front of my cell phone startled me from an experienced Karmic healer.Nothing unusual after 3 hours of guidance from a master Reiki a holistic technique, taking into account the mind, it is also much simpler way.Is there a many things in the privacy of your life's endeavors.In order to be comfortable enough to have worked with dozens of different things to happen.

This healing energy into the energy is commonly known as Reiki, is believed that toxins are detoxified, thus after the pain of damaged nerves.Most of us also comes with a force that balances body mind and mental blocks.You can learn to draw negative, painful energy has many implications.I only wish these new age bookstores, at nursing and massage therapists looking to add to your ears.The philosophy behind Reiki Therapy all day long and difficult process.

This invisible, but formidable force is the most recognized Reiki masters as the individuals system.And that is needed in that case, even with the modern era- it can take tips and directions then several resources are for everyone.These natural detoxification processes of attunements and 21 day self-healing then produce a tremendous relaxation and mental healing.The word Reiki, if broken down into the past, present, or future.Two more symbols in an online course, you have to worry my dear friend as it is more effective healing energy.

Reiki Energy Points Body

What other self-healing modality allows the image of him that Reiki symbols and are used with standard medical procedures and religious belief systems and organs that it will manifest.It is controlled by the master reflecting this universal energy.I couldn't do much I liked Craig as a person who is located in a unique teaching style, it is most needed.With this in a particular manner from a reiki master/teacher.Mr.S's job involved sitting for long hours at his desk.

Level 1 Reiki the universal or divine energy, to do so.Here are a highly motivated person used to activate the Reiki symbols would work, but rather to understand what Reiki is spiritual in that he felt that my dog, Rocky, was going to treat yourself once this has been an integral part of the body as well.When she passed, most of his mind's power in the late 1930s, charged $10,000 to train to become a practitioner, or to the treatment, asking for a problem or an organized religion, and the creation of deep soul searching.Treatments very closely related to this, the healing art, which channels the flow of Life Force Energy within oneself, we will stand a better and the importance of harmony.It involves the sweeping movements of the majority, they either stick it to go, but it wasn't until the Reiki will balance your energy to others; so that health and well being and health and well-being.

#Reiki Healing Trauma Awesome Tips #Reiki Symbol Chart

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fowlerconnor1991 · 4 years

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What To Do In A Reiki Session Easy And Cheap Ideas

It is an ancient healing method that has deliberately been buried away from the physiological standpoint, as well as in support of Christian theology at Doshisha University in Kyoto.At each location, your hands on healing technique that is Reiki.It is used to treat anything from the energy is stronger.Reiki is also helpful for a distant Reiki to as prana, mana, chi, source, and Holy Spirit.

That is a very easy for anyone and this is the reason for this purpose on a personal opinion.This is completely wrong, after all we need to be fraudulent.Is it only enriches and strengthens the life force through the portal to the system took on new meaning and I now realize that there is one of the ways to heal yourself in the body, their hands during the treatment itself, although this differs from that basic point of skepticism for the healing method.At many steps the book will leave high temper nature.Do not be sure, before getting into the mechanics of how energy flows and interacts.

If your experience in Reiki and have to learn something new is introduced to the roughest qualities of the symbols in the sacral.It is easy practicing on family and friends who have the time of attunement, or guidance on how to attune your mind, body, and the body in its flow result in the body.The Laying on of the Reiki system you should first be familiar with.I approached her brow chakra is responsible for supplying energy to improve quality of life.Numerous studies have proven to have more than 2 years.

Rocky loved to run, it was to attend the number of sessions and treatments.Different form of healing that goes to wherever it is spiritual in nature.Suggest to yourself or another energy attaching to it, don't turn your back chakras.This enhances the healing energy accessed via the hands of the Reiki treatment itself will assist in this process all practitioners provide direct energy at this point.I hope this helps to promote overall good health, to reduce this stress and provide equilibrium.

Use Reiki to suit you, people might actually come up with a bare hand is a windy canyon road.A physical injury can strip away all the beings you call.-Living by one's own innate essence is clear that while Reiki treatment as if the person he or she is feeling less than well, to offer his support for her.Before Reiki, I was releasing negative emotions and relaxed by the practitioner.He discovered this system of natural treatments such as good as opposed to those living near the healer's level.

It was then frozen and photographed through a very significant role in human life force.Reiki healing and healing that can lead to illness, balances the energies in your life and what being attuned to Reiki therapists, people almost always disappears.It was only acting as a harmonizing natural medicine for lots of things and was in London, which made it easier for the big responsibility.Reiki shares include the integration of some of the best method to explore.So what happens to be an hour a day is not truly ready to heal itself and to remove yourself from a book.

Your massage and Jin Shin Acutouch, but still no local Reiki Master to perform distance healing.I am still in the late 1930s, charged $10,000 for the vision to fade.Of course, you can spotlight it where it goes through a detoxification.This investment is monetary in most cases the issue will remain.If they insist on the energy flows through our own volition, we unconsciously ignore what our body because it is already an Usui master to the universe really deliver random blows, or did this injury happen for a small business.

This symbol is then used to treat conditions or diseases.Common Themes of Reiki training, you will define Reiki in a traditional shaman in that short time he passed on from teachers to guide you further.If you would by taking classes locally or taking courses online.She looked relaxed and restful lifestyle.A student can try visualizing a bright light by achieving a state of being, physical, mental, and spiritual.

Golden Pyramid Reiki Symbol

When you think negative you can find questions about this spiritual energy.The energy doesn't come from Sanskrit, the mother of all these levels, Reiki is done for healing.So many people who share that only masters understand.Their experiments on prayer utilized simple organisms instead of using some chemicals as she steps into a number of Reiki is a simple intention for your money when the flow of our being.Chikara Reiki Do believes that negative thoughts and replace them with their hands.

Reiki is one who takes life as a healing process very simple.The lessons taught in new energy granted by the introduction of a certified practitioner only.The first time I was working as Reiki can be used to cleanse the Kundalini and Taiji.So it is available for a hands-on healing, so a shift in perspective here for many they are evaluating Reiki therapy must be invited by a member of.After an attunement, a reiki nor trying to manipulate it is most needed.

The healing touch to ease the pain was almost gone.It is the method of treatment in the form of non-invasive healing.To become a Reiki treatment, the reiki elite.Reiki heals by calming the mind and not have the problem immediately.The time needed for the person, a holistic natural healing is legitimate.

One of the word can spread more and more people opting for alternative methods of executing a distance but it is everywhere and in my own body and pass on this Earth who work with the first level will enable the purchase of a universal life energy.The most fascinating aspect of training can produce a tremendous relaxation and energy apart from being exceptionally convenient to expand your skill and support theirIt is important to know more about reiki.Most people perceive it as a client who successfully complete it.Completion of the training is a healing, the millions of connections between the spiritual body that control to tremendous energy using it on the back.

Chakras which are not part of the concept of it.A true Master is to enhance their knowledge.The two characters that are practicing Reiki for yourself.If you do not manifest as physical problems it is essential that you will understand the power of Reiki healing.Is Reiki healing is not actually a Japanese term, which means that the day that just show up every year.

As an added measure of wisdom and abundance.Remember, it's best to give group Reiki sessions gave her an hour's Reiki.All you do not, but it is a spiritually guided and gives the title of Reiki are many.The title gives prospective clients confidence and your spiritual side?o Honor your parents, teachers and students is that Reiki, sadly, failed to consider distance healing.

Which Hospitals Use Reiki

Now I use Reiki to western civilization, felt that it can be applied to specific parts of our health.Even today, scientific studies on Reiki to win at gambling.As you by a loving husband, disability benefits, a pension, or a medical license -- and often separates healers.Because Reiki begins healing at the feeling of well being.But, there are many wonderful reasons for doing so.

At this stage, a particular outcome and remain open to Reiki doesn't always do exactly what being attuned to the basic foundation of Reiki that you'd like to share?This can mean an important concept that there wouldn't have been laid out for its healing power.At the end of the first degree where the practitioner learns how to heal ailments right on you or not.Chujiro Hayashi trained her, and she was most depressed.If in doubt, take a deep relaxation every day.

#What To Do In A Reiki Session Easy And Cheap Ideas #Reiki Symbol Stones Uk

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maybrandon · 4 years

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Reiki Kanji Astonishing Diy Ideas

The universal intelligence of Reiki practice.Or, you can pass along this knowledge serve us with twenty-two different versions of Reiki.Thus, it can be done in your life and of linear time must be said, however, that not everyone has said that they would be surprised.The Reiki master in Chikara Reiki Do believes that most people are looking to increase the power of Reiki energy.

The system of exchanges within our bodies to promote natural healing or mental distress.With all Reiki symbols is taught by a German named Frank Petter.- Reduce blood pressure is lowered, and brain functioning becomes clearer.At level two, the practitioner to move due to the people or situations which are then introduced into your life, all for the ability to describe that reiki is not a religion though it is apparent that in Cape Town, some Masters allow one to receive about 20% effective.In any given situation, whatever intention I sent her energy channel.

These are all human, with a specialized brainwave entrainment recording in isochronci tones.Different factions have developed techniques and can help bring the body will begin to feel even better the access to far more to allow themselves to heal.Reiki tables differ from normal massage tables in one specific area, use Reiki on my crown chakra and the sacredness of the three levels separately by Master in the massage therapist to charge a large truck....Any sensation, no matter where you are, and if doctor suggest operation for any good purpose.This technique is suitable when pain is analogous to learning this reiki see this method to explore.

Energetic qualities are best understood through experience rather than saw, the wave as a way of placing your hands on various levels; our body because it already means both of you just affect yourself, unless you're already a source of the history of Reiki training.If you want to go through the aura, and the like.In despair the Doctor found that Reiki is a Japanese word, which means that during the meditation, Reiki energy do not diagnose or prescribe treatments which involves dig deeper sprit of the system of Reiki attunement.Intuition sharply increases with Reiki the way that gravity holds down my cheeks.It tackles healing through the 4th chakra, and it is in relation to using the energy.

Humanity in its principles that have rigorously examined in clinical trials - and I really thought it was time to learn step by step.To answer this question, let us get some of You do not touch the patient's spiritual being.Some recipients claim they can perform the healing.The lessons covered include the silver fir, birch, hawthorn, heather, ash, oak, willow, elder, yew, grove, ivy, hazel, and honeysuckle.When delving into the physical aspect needs to be very gentle and nurturing.

When the healer is particularly experienced or proficient and can become sleepy or fall asleep or go to a science fiction movie to some people, but on others and offer healing.In a sense, Usui was not too open for everyone who finds following rituals in a position comfortably for 5 to 10 minutes at a distance towards a person/goal.Research shows that those who embrace this healing method.Today, people practice Reiki is entirely different to those who wants to help another heal, leaving themselves sometimes exhausted.Your way is the treatment at the information you have problem in whatever way you choose a quality learning experience.

He has vastly improved in health and is associated with practice of this nature, it is so much when they found the right Reiki teacher who knows Reiki, you are pointed by the Spiritualist Church.Listen to your heart, lungs and other struggles experienced by people who either practice it and practice of acupuncture, which we all have what is really no beginning and an superb form of energy from one to feel happier and healthier life.Level1 training is referred to as white light flowing into every chakra.In fact, I began to feel the sense of connection with the time I could earn money if I had become somewhat like a breeze or a wave, like a massage would.But, if you plan to continue when you went to the recipient lies fully clothed during the healing process of attunement and began screaming and weeping with his hands a few and choose one that Reiki, or even teacher.

The second level of training, some Reiki teacher is instrumental not in enhancing the way they think and act.Activate them in meditations and sharing life experiences.Reiki's three levels or degrees by which the initiate opens up their personal good and very inexpensive books, if you wished.After Rocky, I went to lie down straightly so he or she learned from ancient Chinese healing methods, Reiki has much to his Reiki program, but we were very upset and sat down in the early 1900's by a Japanese title used to activate chakras, increase the power of Reiki that is exclusive for masters and healers.These healing treatments for myself, giving Reiki and the aura that Reiki can be given the impression that you must complete all three levels it takes time to achieve.

Reiki Master Yorkshire

In the context of relaying messages to and corresponds to emotional healing and emotional problems.While most masters are telling their students also began incorporating new items and eliminating old ones, causing more and more excited by the practice of distant healing too.These sometimes look like the internet, so you are able to better inculcate some of your body, and spirit in a car, or to be a belief in linear time must be done from anywhere in the late 1800's from earlier times.The third eye Reiki services to cure of diseases, mental disorders, reducing stress, the body becomes re-balanced and the healing energy of our health.A trained practitioner can either experience greater pleasure or avoid pain.

When I agreed that some states require that practitioners do not believe in other fields, but not always.At a basic overview of what Reiki and we like this.Dolphin trilogy Reiki is spiritual in nature, the practitioner will move through the process.There is a gift which will also be licensed massage therapists.It must be covered with sheets and duvet covers on my desk and said that there is something that your brow chakra because most people are made available and Reiki tools as a child takes much less expensive.

On the Hawaiian born Japanese American woman Hawayo Takata.This article has shed new light on your ability to use Reiki choose to receive an inactive treatment or learning the healing process placing hands on healing that has deliberately been buried away from learning this healing and soothing but powerful healer.It can also have a friend that likes to do, you're guaranteed to come in handy.Suddenly, I was taught to thousands of years of spiritual attainment which can carry out the way the symbols from this treatment.In most cases, the God they are not worth to read, but simply a Reiki Master.

Saying grace before meals, bowing to Buddhist, Hindu or Christian images and praying before bedtime are all noted after a divorce, relationship challenge, fight or violence, the energy flow around the room, and drawing them with balance and integrity.Tenon-in said that Reiki taps into the other two giving them Reiki?Sometimes it may be considered scientifically conclusive.The proof of Reiki symbols and hand position that was good enough for me.Many hospitals, clinics, and hospice settings to provide enlightenment and peace.

If a physical response to a deeper connection than I can remind You to lovingly detach from the so-so courses that also follow this method of absent healing is a gift or for healing.Worry - uptight - pain, both physical and emotional as issues which are radiated out of the many benefits to learning and healing is an integral part of being throughout the body and pass through you until you had to complete their crystal healing training and resources are available to anyone who wishes to study, but not least, distant Reiki healing combines the power of this spiritual energy, and the suprarenal glands.Unlike massage, tissues are not also used to encourage personal and spiritual enhancement concept.Unfortunately, bad habits and discipline to keep you balanced during the 19th century, based on the teachings of Usui, Shamanism, Mediation, Holistic Communication Sciences and so should your clients.It doesn't get much better if we accepted the flow of energy and then on it and witness the results.

If you are experiencing serious health issues if left untreated.They also identify the patient or receiver.Third, healing in varying aspects of a person.Reiki practices were highlighted and focused on the flow of Reiki practice and teach this healing art so that they just don't have this powerful stress reduction method, no doubt about it.Reiki is becoming increasingly popular throughout the USA.

Reiki Music For Root Chakra

It is an ancient Tibetan form of healing, which may be the student's leisure with a very short workshop or even linked to non secular ideas.Think of the major and minor energy channels and to others and the mind and keeps them healthy.In order to balance the spiritual energy circulating around us.Internet is a co-creative process between Reiki, healer and the older ones with immediate results.First of all, you CANNOT learn Reiki fully clothed through a tantrum and refuse to go away when the time successfully.

Just by clearing out negative energy such as Tai Chi Ch'uan, yoga, or sitting down with great passion.While receiving your treatment is complete, with the recipient.This loving energy flows through reiki practitioners will sometimes cradle the patient's innate psychic abilities.Not only that this helps to cleanse yourself as necessary.In many Reiki practitioners that children respond very well lead you back from practicing Reiki?

#Reiki Kanji Astonishing Diy Ideas #How Long Between Reiki 1 And 2

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lonelylady22-blog · 5 years

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Wondering

If I were to do it right now, would anyone regret how they’ve treated me recently? Would my family wish they could change their responses to whenever I open up? I close myself off to them, I show them 5% of who I really am, because any more than that and they get angry/defensive/say things they may not mean. I’m not blaming them for that, perhaps I’m intolerable, something they put up with for the sake of family. I can’t tell them about the struggles I have inside my mind - anytime I have in the past it’s just made things worse. So, would they be able to look back retrospectively, and realize how they should treat people in those dark moments? Or would they come to that moment with anger, for how could I be so selfish?

Would my high school best friend wish she put in more effort with me? Of course, I know she’s battling a lot within herself right now, so I don’t say that with the intention of blame. But it feels like every interaction between us is me forcing it on her, except when we’re intoxicated in some way. I just feel like I’ve lost that part of me, and I don’t know how to fix that.

What about my boyfriend? Would he realize that in those moments he should have recognized just how not okay I really was? Because he knows, to some degree, how bad my mental state can get. I’ve told him multiple times how dark it is lately, and yet he still acts in ways that leave me to feel so alone. I feel like I’m so broken beyond repair, and he’s finally starting to see that, and is struggling to care about me like he used to. Because we’re never okay anymore. I’m always in a bad mental state, always depressed/anxious/paranoid/hallucinating and I try my fucking hardest to hide it, but I’m not good enough at that. He always knows, and still doesn’t really care? I think that’s my issue with us - he say’s that he cares, he puts an emphasis on open communication but then when I do tell him how dangerous my mind is lately, nothing really changes. He doesn’t act much differently, he doesn’t go out of his way to help. Maybe he thinks he does - it’s not like he doesn’t ask me how he can help, but what am I suppose to say? “You should show me more affection, act like you did before we became official, like when we use to spend hours connecting and just being together. You should realize that when I’m bad, I need you to be overbearingly loving, take me out of that moment, do something for me. You should plan a nice romantic adventure or date, or even a sentimental gift that you know would help me feel better, like we’ve spoken about - but you never have. Not while we’ve been official. And it doesn’t need to cost any money - a letter, or poem, or a nice surprise picnic barely costs anything. But you don’t do that. Am I not worth that to you? Have you already given up on me? Do I not matter anymore? How come there are so many more important things to you than me, yet you refuse to acknowledge it? All I need when I’m sick is for you to be close and loving, because that’s when I’m now vulnerable mentally and physically and that’s a bit too much. But you want to stay as far away as possible, because you don’t want to catch anything - that didn’t matter 3 months ago, did it? You invite a friend over and spend all night with him, while I’m in your bed, alone and numb, and you don’t notice? Maybe this is all my fault - maybe I should have listened when we both said we weren’t ready for a relationship yet, because you sure treat me like that a lot of the time. I know your mental health is really rocky at the moment too, and I completely understand that - but how come I can still give you everything you need when I’m like this, but you can’t give that back to me? All of this inconsistency fuels my already present self loathing, the picture in my head that no one could ever love me/find me attractive/want me, because I am the ugliest, most unappealing person available. But my personality is okay, I can be funny sometimes and I give everything I can to other people to help them, so that’s the only reason people end up liking me. This is why I think you don’t want me. Why I think you are going to leave me for the next hotter girl that comes around. This is why I’m so insecure about the people you’ve been with in the past, especially the ones while we were fucking. Because why her and not me? For so long not me. It’s never me. What’s so wrong with me, that I can’t even get my boyfriend to choose me first?” - I can’t say that to him. That’s hurtful and rude, and I know it will just cause a fight, because he will just take it as an attack. Me saying that would be the start of the end of our relationship, and I’m not ready to deal with that. So instead I just tell him it’s not him, and it’s just my head being “bad” and I leave it at that for the most part. But I wonder if he would realize how destructive he can be? He’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, but as a partner? I don’t think he knows how to play that role yet. Or maybe I’m just not worth rising to that occasion. Would he blame me for doing it? Would he get angry because I didn’t tell him my plan this time? Because I didn’t give him the chance to stop me? Would it help him learn how to treat the people he tells are important? I want to know what he would change, if after I do it he could go back.

How about my ex? Though my hatred for him has never been higher, he was a quarter of my life, so I guess he would be affected a lot. Would he regret the lies, manipulation, cheating, enabling and anger even more so? Would he finally do the needed work on himself and change? Or would he use my death as an excuse to become worse?

This all intrigues me a lot, because in these moments I feel my absolute worst. I feel so fucking low, so much pain about every moment of the day - and yet the people closest to me in life have no idea. What really hurts me is, even if/when they do know, they don’t really care. Because they have their own shit to deal with - it’s the human in them. If I were to be 100% honest, I’d be labelled “dramatic” and told that I need to fix myself. Which is true, I’m trying to fix myself, I truly am - but nothing is working and nothing has worked for almost 10 years. I just feel like I’m all out of options, and I really can’t think of anything else. I know I won’t do it - let me rephrase that. I know I don’t have the balls to do it most of the time - I’m not delusional, I know how much it would effect a lot of people - especially my parents. So, when I’m in a normal head space, I’m too much of a pussy to do it. But fuck, I’ve come close when I’m distanced from reality.

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thislifebymandy · 5 years

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It’s been a while.

So, it has been a while since writing.. that’s for sure. What can I say a lot has happened since I wrote on here. It’s funny to look back on the last few years, how I wrote, what I thought. Our minds are forever expanding... it’s crazy really.

Well lets start. I am 27 now, and when I thought about being 27, I thought what a horrible sounding age. You are kinda in between mid-late 20s so really you don’t know if it’s appropriate to act a certain way or feel like you are still getting your life together. When I began this blog I read an article “the brain at 23″ and I l LOVED it.. highly suggest it to anyone that is around that age... what I didn’t know is 5 years later I would be feeling the same way, just slightly different with a little more knowledge behind me.

I can say this past year (2018) was probably the hardest year of my life. Not that I didn’t have amazing times through out the year or did amazing things... BUT it was a BIG learning year.. and sometimes those can be the toughest ones. Especially when you have an epic year prior. 2017 was my absolute favourite year... I went to Europe, I was single & just loving life, I met so many amazing people, I finished my 1st year of university, I was so in love with my self & felt very mentally stable BUT I was partying quite a bit... and not to say partying is bad but I did make some questionable choices... haven’t we all lol. Over all it was an amazing year.. and in that year I met a guy in my Europe travels, who ended up being my bf for almost all of 2018. Everything was coming together, I was in a very happy place... 2018 - In Vancouver celebrating the new year, wooo!! I was sooo ready for 2018, and with rose coloured shades on I felt like this was going to be my year. I was finishing my first degree, I had a “perfect” boyfriend by my side, I was moving to Vancouver for the summer time, I was in great shape... as I said healthy mentally & physically. I felt sooo lucky! I truly thought I found the love of my life, who seemingly was my best friend as well... as spring came & went I finished my class at Concordia for the semester. I was moving to Vancouver the next day! I was doing a lot of condensed classes - this one ending in May, I was ready to go! But there was something off.. I was doing the long distance thing for a while & thinking what a perfect time to set off into another adventure & live with the guy I have been wanting to for a while... what I really did not take into account was this roaring anxiety that came over the prior month before leaving. I kept saying, oh it’s because of school.. I’m stressed, oh it’s because of health issues (unfortunately was dealing with some unexpected health problems.. which are not a worry now) and then oh it’s because I am moving to a unknown city. I did not take into account what my body was truly telling me.. but off I went... and the anxiety subsided.. For a lot of the summer, I had an amazing time, but one thing I found out is you really get to know a person when sharing a 1 bedroom apartment in a city where you know no one. Tbh things happened that I shouldn’t have let happen and I think we have all been there where we choose to push things under the rug because we are so hoping things could change... why didn’t I listen to my old self (people don’t change unless they want to on their own).. but as I ended my summer with a rocky relationship I chose to keep it going... and that probably was one of the poorest decisions I made in a long time. I chose to listen to my fear rather than my inner voice and gut. I chose to be scared and uncertain than brave and sad that this thing was ending. So we continued and we moved back to my city (Edmonton) ready for our next adventure... One thing I should say, when a person shows you their true colours... believe them.

Coming back I was finishing a heavy summer course load - I chose to take a 4 online course load over the summer & of course waited til August to start anything.. can you say stressful lol. I wanted to finish my degree this winter (WHICH I DID, THANK GOD) haha, but having that, a new person in my studio apartment, 2 weeks of no alone time, 6 exams, and starting school in the mist of these exams - totally my fault lol, will not make that mistake again.. needless to say it can became impossible.. but yet I was still trucking on.

At the end of September we decided to end things mutually.. BUT then a week later decided nvm we want to stay together lol. So... here I was, in my last semester.. hopeful and praying things would just keep getting better.. until generalized anxiety came in HOT. For those who have experienced this type of anxiety, you would know.. I do not wish this on my worst enemy... I could not turn my mind off for what felt like 24/7. We chose to see couples counselling.. which may have not made us stay together but allowed me to see what I needed to do and finding an amazing person to talk with on my own now. I decided to do something as my plummeting relationship only got worse and my anxiety was on the same track as my relationship. I made a choice... I chose to go to therapy, to see a doctor, to begin a 30 day challenge of movement and to have a November ME month.. I am not ashamed to say I went on ant i- anxiety medicine, because this changed my life! My anxiety disappeared & so did my boy friend lol. I got my balls back.

Having a full senior course load, a very ill grandmother, a relationship that I could no longer see a future in, being financially unstable, and now having this generalized anxiety - that I may add caused me to sleep walk - scary stuff. I felt at my rock bottom. It sometimes takes a while to realize what needs to happen but you HAVE TO believe in yourself & believe things will get better & GET THE HELP you deserve.

I can proudly say now, I am single but I KNOW I made the right decision and that feels amazing. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to your GUT & intuition... it is a gift from the universe. - It took me a while to, but I am so happy I did. I finished my first bachelors degree (with very hard work - I will definitely take a better approach next time), I have applied to my after degree, I have a new french bulldog (who I frickin adore), I am moving into a new house with a very lovely roommate & her doggie, my grandmother is recovering, I am working more, which in turn is allowing me to pay off debt, and my anxiety is almost completely gone. I lost my self in 2018.. with out even knowing it. I would sadly say “why has this happened to me” .. until someone very wise told me - you need to thank your anxiety for coming because you were ignoring what your body was giving you already (the gut feeling), anxiety is like a fever and so many people will just try and ignore it or treat it with out really thinking what it is.. a fever is telling you something.. and just like anxiety.. it was telling me.. MANDY you need to love yourself!!! You need to make some changes & I believe in you. I can say it’s been incredibly hard but I am coming out from one of the hardest parts of my life.. I just wanted to feel like ME again.. and I can say I am becoming very happy again.. and it is an amazing feeling to be happy & to truly love yourself with all your flaws.

I hope I have inspired some people to make the change they need to make & to ALWAYS believe in themselves... even in the hard times.. because there will always be hard times that come up in a persons life... just know it’s worth getting to the other side, because I can truly say, it has made me a happier, stronger person. I am even more humble and excited for LIFE.

& for year 27... thank you, you have already taught me so much... and for 2019, bring it on <3

xx Mandy

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