#man i am so very much looking forward to how season 3 continues this story

[applestorms]

morality in the world of good omens

so i wrote another (admittedly very messy) essay on good omens not long ago right after watching season 2 but after finishing that, rewatching all of both seasons multiple times, and reading through the book, i have a couple more distinct ideas to get out...somewhere...if only for my own sanity. this is me throwing my thoughts into the internet before i pop, if you will. just 3 sections, below the cut.

1. environment, characters, & transformative fandom creations

to start this post off a bit more broadly, i've been thinking a lot recently about transformative fandom and the reasons why we write fanfiction/create semi-original works in the first place, as well as why certain aspects of fandom (writing, art, analysis, etc.) will be more appealing to me for certain shows/series than others. correct me if you have a totally different view of this, but in my experience i've found that i tend to naturally gravitate towards different parts of fandom depending on what the original medium of the story was- podcasts tend to lead to some of the most interesting art trends, for example, since there's more room for interpretation and character design tends to be more of an ongoing community project than something set in stone like for a tv show with live human actors.

in my own observation, i've noticed that a lot of the really big & excitable fandoms, the ones that generate tons & tons of fanworks more naturally (a.k.a. just because of the story itself & not other factors like a pre-existing franchise or hype about new great gay representation, etc.) tend to surround stories that fall into a kind of "sweet spot" that makes the creation of fanworks really appealing. if you've ever wondered why there are so many ravenous artists bending over backwards to draw gorgeous fanart for stuff like homestuck or south park or even minecraft youtubers, it's likely because those stories all fall into a sweet spot for drawing, with character designs that are recognizable at a glance and yet still simple enough that there is plenty of room for personal creative touches. (think also, if you're familiar with such kinds of homestuck terms: hyperflexible mythologies, A4:1524, and/or this archive link cause the official thing is down now for some reason)

the conclusion i've come to is thus that even something as basic as the original medium of a story can dictate a lot about what kinds of fan activities are more common or popular within said story's fandom.

so, back to good omens- for me, this all relates back because of a question i've been messing with in my head recently, about why i've been less interested in fanfiction for good omens than i have been for the last few fandoms i've been, almost all of which have basically broken my ao3 bookmarks.

this question has been fucking with me for a while now, largely because i'm not entirely sure what's motivating it. a lot of times i can figure out pretty easily why i might personally not be interested in some parts of fandom, but that's not really the case here. from what i've seen this fandom seems to be pretty mixed in terms of age, & the writing that i have read is certainly no worse than i've seen elsewhere, perhaps even better in some places- and yet, i can't seem to get entirely into it, even getting frustrated as i can't find something to my tastes for an ao3 bedtime story as i've grown so accustomed. what caught me off guard is that this was an issue that i ran into while watching season 1 as well, back when the series was still quite popular but not blowing up like it is right now.

a lot of this may seem like (and likely is, at least in part) basic overthinking, but i mentioned it all here because the answer i eventually came to is reminiscent of my previous reflections above on the nature of fandom & how/why fanworks are created.

a couple paragraphs above, i used the example of art as an example of how fandoms that generate a lot of original artwork will often do the most when the original story falls into a sweet spot of character design, but notably i think that this sentiment applies to a lot more than just art. if you've ever seen the copious amounts of kpop & hockey rpf fanfiction that lives on ao3, it should be clear that this applies to writing too.

i wrote this essay a while back responding to an observation about the lack of a more extensive symbolic language in fanfiction & i've toyed around with the idea more since, particularly in considering the question of why a lot of what we see as the staples of fanfiction exist in the first place. in that post, my response largely revolved around an argument of why we create fanfiction- namely, that fanfiction is created as in tandem with deeper analysis of the original story/series, as a way of trying to practically apply character analysis to a new context.

the key part of that last sentence to me is how a lot of this revolves around character analysis (and shipping, but really it's the characters that motivate the shipping in most cases so. same difference).

i tend to instinctively separate fanfiction into two separate categories: fanfiction that is based out of the original world/canon of the story (including but not limited to fix-its, deeper analysis fics that take a scene & extrapolate from it, continuations, etc.) and fanfiction that takes the characters from the original story & plops them in an alternate universe/AU. while i separate these out as two distinct categories of fanfiction, i should also clarify that i don't think these two groups are necessarily equal in terms of number of fics- rather, the vast majority of fanfiction tends to be AUs, keeping the original characters & changing any & all aspects of the world around them. again, this may vary depending on the story & Vibe of the fandom at the time, stories like game of thrones or harry potter or homestuck might have a lot more in the canon category by nature of any major dissatisfactions the fandom has with how the original story was told, but in most cases AUs are more popular. this was a lot of the basis behind my argument that fanfiction is created as character analysis in fact, since the characters are the most important part that carries over from original story to fanwork, as well as can end up being one of the most debated/scorned parts when it comes to fandom drift (i.e. "that's out of character"/"he wouldn't do that"/and all other such arguments about fanon vs. canon characterization).

basically, my conclusion in this case was that i was a lot less interested in gomens fic largely because i have a really hard time separating the characters from the world in the case of this particular story. aziraphale & crowley being an angel & a demon and dealing with all of the bullshit of their world when it comes to heaven & hell are such integral parts of their characters in my mind that i have a much harder time getting behind AU fanfiction that plops them in a totally different context. it's just a much harder sell for keeping the characters in character for me. (i also tend to not like s2 fix-its just cause, idk they're just not my style, which is where a lot of the recent blast of energy has led us.) to clarify, this is not a judgement, just a matter of personal preference and a reflection of why, even if a lot of fandoms will look the same from the outside/involve the same things like art, fic, etc., an individual's mileage can vary wildly when it comes to how they interact with different things online.

*additional note, also for clarification: i do want to acknowledge that a lot of this depends on pure popularity as well, popular fandoms will often end up with basically everything in terms of fanworks just by nature of how many people are interacting with & thinking deeply about the story. my point here is more along the lines of the fact that even within the more well-populated fandoms, certain types of fanwork will often Stick Out more to me than others, or even be visibly much more common than in other fandoms, due largely to the original medium/structure of how the story.

so, speaking of aziraphale & crowley in more depth now- why does the world of good omens feel like such an integral part of their personalities when it comes to characterization? up next, let's talk about morality within the context of good omens' perhaps surprisingly secular take on heaven & hell.

2. the amorality of heaven & hell (ft. the crowley quote apples you know the one)

(warning in advance that this section may be a bit limited since i'm not going to get super far (or very far at all, really) into the whole religious-analysis aspect of good omens.)

i've been binge-reading the original pterry & gaiman book for good omens over the last few days and it's been very fun seeing all the slight changes between the tv show & the original. you can really see the hand of the original creators in how the tv show was translated, even just by looking at which parts made it and which parts were deemed worth cutting out. i suppose having one of the original creators right there helping build everything really helps make a book -> show translation work, since the ASOUE tv series was also pretty well received- something about knowing what's the core of the series & truly important to keep in, and having more time to tell the story itself?

anyways, i have a short list of notes that i've been taking as i read, conversations that stand out to me or footnotes that particularly amused me, but i keep coming back to one line that stood out to me quite early on. in context, this line comes from crowley during the conversation where he is first attempting to fully convince aziraphale about stopping armageddon, specifically when they're talking about exerting equal forces on warlock to make him normal:

"You're saying the child isn't evil of itself?" [Aziraphale] said slowly. "Potentially evil. Potentially good, too, I suppose. Just this huge powerful potentiality, waiting to be shaped," said Crowley. He shrugged. "Anyway, why're we talking about this good and evil? They're just names for sides. We know that."

(pg. 67)

"They're just names for sides." if i had to pick one line to sum up the view on religious morality of this series, this would likely be it.

on the one hand, i tend to interpret a lot gomens' take on heaven & hell within the context of its political stance, something that is particularly obvious through a line from gabriel in s2e2 where he tries to clarify to aziraphale that heaven isn't trying to hurt job directly, but instead is just not stopping hell from doing horrible things to him. while there may be some additional nuance to add to this take within the context of british politics that i don't really know well enough to add about, i'm inclined to see this from the side of my own familiar american politics, which might hold some weight considering how long mr. gaiman's lived around here. point is, my current interpretation of that line is that it helps in more clearly establishing the analogy of heaven & hell as the story moves forward into newer seasons and thus more contemporary politics, equating heaven with mainstream liberal politics & politicians and hell with conservatives.

this stance seems to be emphasized even more in the tv show than the book which makes sense considering its been coming out more recently, and especially in season 2 which is still quite caught up in a lot of quarantine-based reflection. (the tv show puts a lot more emphasis on heaven & hell in general, actually, perhaps initially a byproduct of actually being able to see those environments in their entirety and all the angels & demons that populate them- but we'll get to that.)

the book takes a slightly different stance that, fittingly, seems more reflective of the time it came out. in particular, i was struck a lot more when reading the book by adam's rise (fall?) to power, and how much of it was motivated by a burgeoning nervousness/pessimism about climate change and the anxieties of younger generations that comes with inheriting an earth that feels so fucked up. honestly if anything it's only gotten more relevant in that respect, what with the current vibe on the internet & the hopelessness of the doomer gen z gang, but it also has a distinctly different flavor to me from the tv show, which i think is largely because it's less connected to Formal politics since again we see a whole lot less of heaven & hell as such distinct, bureaucratic entities.

instead, there is a very distinctly amoral aspect to heaven & hell that we get through lines like the one above and especially from characters like crowley. this is why i argue that good omens, despite having so many religious elements, is such a deeply secular take, especially when it comes to its ethics & morality- Good and Evil, notably with the capital letters in this case, has very little to do with actual actions and much more to do with the name that you stamp on top of said actions. heaven & hell and the angels & demons that we see directing and watching and generally fucking with aziraphale & crowley throughout the story are distinctly separate from humanity, and as we see even more as the story progresses, distinctly unaware about what it even means to be a human, in both a deeper philosophical & very basic and literal sense. Good and Evil is simply another name for the sides- and thus the true ethics is something separate, and based in a deeply human experience.

in my opinion this is also why aziraphale & crowley, lovers of humanity and also to some degree spokespersons of it from how much they've "gone native," tend to be so deeply at odds with both heaven & hell and always end up agreeing with each other over their own supposed sides. what makes aziraphale & crowley so distinctly different is that they ascribe to the same ethics & morality that humanity does, or at the very least are trying to figure out ethics & morality & How to Be a Good Person in the same horribly messy way that humans do, separating them from the black & white "this side Good & this side Bad," logic that the rest of heaven & hell instinctively ascribe to.

there's a lot of nuance here, which is also why i think there is such an emphasis on moral ambiguity (and love, but we'll get to that) throughout season 2. the story of job, grave robbing, & questionable attempts at matchmaking- aziraphale is working through a lot of Shit right now when it comes to trying to figure out what the Good thing actually fucking is, and i think it's key that a lot of that is motivated by crowley himself. crowley might'e been cast out of heaven for asking too many questions, but aziraphale is there & listening to them & giving them the serious thought they deserve, and that can't be overlooked.

sidenote: i couldn't figure out a place to shove this in, but i also wanna point out that a lot of this is tied to the idea of growing over time too. on the same page as the quote transcribed above is another line from crowley leading up to aziraphale's question that puts a lot of emphasis on the fact that warlock is going to be a product of nurture, not nature. again, this is an argument against basic black & white assigned-at-birth morality for the ability of humans to grow & change over time and be influenced by the people around them.

it's notable that despite adam's supposed origin as a Son of Satan, what really gets him to stop the apocalypse in the end is the fact that he doesn't really give a shit about all this big plans but instead just wants to hang around his friends. there's a lot of emphasis in the book placed on how beautiful & nice tadfield is as a place for a young kid to grow up, how well loved & fiercely protected it as as something beloved to adam. while he might be overwhelmed when faced with the full picture of how horrible the world can be, ultimately what he cares about is loving & taking care of the people & places that he grew up learning were precious, and the only way to do that is to keep growing & changing yourself within that world and trying to help it also grow into something better, not throw it all away just for the slightest chance that you could restart. a message worth taking the time to think about, at the absolute very least.

3. finding morality w/in humanity: crowley & aziraphale and speculation for s3

i have complicated feelings about both aziraphale & crowley throughout a lot of the show and especially in season 2. i think a lot of people, myself included, are inclined to see crowley as the voice of reason in this season, and for good reason- as i mentioned before, a lot of aziraphale's deeper questioning of the status quo and goodness (Goodness) as a whole is motivated by questions from crowley.

i kiiind of mentioned this in my previous essay, but to state it more clearly, my take on crowley is that he's arriving at the right answer for the wrong reasons, and, conversely, aziraphale is arriving at the wrong answer for... kind of also the wrong reasons but also slightly for the right reasons. let me explain.

crowley is clearly much more aware of the flaws in both heaven & hell than aziraphale is, which seems to be the basis behind a lot of his motivation in asking aziraphale so many questions in the first place. he's also, as maggie & nina point out in s2e6, deeply lonely, often running away or getting ready to fight literally anyone that isn't aziraphale (or humans, but that's a little more complicated). from his reaction to beelz & gabriel getting together, i think it's pretty clear that he still hasn't entirely given up on the whole alpha centauri idea, and it makes sense- as i said in that last essay, crowley basically won the argument at the end of the previous season when it comes to aziraphale & crowley, "making [their] own side," so he doesn't have much reason to face any of his personal fears until maggie & nina basically point out that they exist directly to his face. once they do point it out, however, he's very motivated to act & does so almost immediately, even after hearing what aziraphale has to tell him and being pretty thoroughly devastated by it.

my point here is that crowley is correct in seeing the toxicity of both heaven & hell, he's just flawed and largely motivated by fear (up for debate if that's all it is, but i certainly think it's a big part of it) in his desire to run away from it all. it's not quite armageddon, again he's going more flight > fight here, but he's still ultimately giving up and that's not a great conclusion.

on the other hand, as some others on this site have pointed out, aziraphale is certainly showing a lot of strength in his willingness to keep fighting & try to change things for the better, but it's not hard to see how that belief has been twisted. one of aziraphale's biggest flaw in motivation at this point imo is that he doesn't just believe in goodness but Goodness, the kind that's tied to heaven always being right & all actions being morally Good so long as they're done under the name of heaven, and that clearly also isn't great.

thus what i think the both of these two really need ultimately is that deeper connection to humanity, and the ethics born from humans interacting with humans. we can already see how strong these two are when they collaborate, even when they're doing their absolute best to be as subtle as possible, but what i think they need is to once again be grounded by humanity, not to get so caught up in the bullshittery of heaven & hell and Good & Evil, but once again find a goodness defined by the world that they mutually love so much and stick with it.

i keep tossing a question around in my head about whether or not aziraphale & crowley are going to end up human by the end of this series. it feels natural that they would, they're already so at home and in love with earth & around humanity, but i'm also not entirely sure if that would be a happy ending for them considering how long they've watched & loved the world as it's changed. perhaps taking this post into account is another push towards humanity as a happy ending, not running away to a cottage to get away from the world (i just can't see running away to a cottage to be together as as happy ending, sorry- it might work for beelz & gabriel but not for aziraphale & crowley), but choosing to settle down within that world that is so dear.

#'just three sections' LAFFS. YEAH #astronaut rambles #good omens #gomens #no but i like this one a lot better than the last attempt at a gomens essay #this one feels a lot cleaner. more focused? #got a bit sappy at the end but i don't mind humanity is always worth loving #also off topic but i read this really interesting paper at work the other day #about pratchett’s writing in discworld & zizek & religion #forget what it’s called now but it was an interesting take on how fiction/fantasy can allow for deeper insights/reflection of reality #got some discworld books today so looking forward to reading those once i slurp up the last hundred or so pages of good omens #also thanks to my dad for having some interesting commentary on the job interpretation in s2e2 today #i all but literally slept through sunday school so i think a lot of the more noteworthy religion takes in this show go over my head =3=‘’ #man i am so very much looking forward to how season 3 continues this story #i feel like a lot of the big conclusions there are really gonna be important for the direction of the story’s main message #season 2 is just. such a transition season it’s hard to get super distinct conclusions sometimes #like it’s still going somewhere there’s shit developing #it’s not like sherlock where it just teases deeper meaning forever but gives you nothing #but. it’s just so obviously Not Over Yet and I Need More #anyways much love i need to go to bed now arghfjdkd lots of shit to do in the future but all i wanna do is keep writing gomens essays. sigh #brainrot central #oh yay my phone’s at 69% now ☺️ wheeee #good omens meta

[butterflydm]

pulling out bits from recent cast interviews re: s3

Several sets of interviews came out today! wotseries.com has six (!); looper.com, decider.com, & collider.com all have one each.

(speculation and spoilers for s3 and for the books through TFoH)

In Ceara's wotseries interview, we get this little hint:

WotSeries: How far along in the books are you? Ceara: I wouldn’t want to say because I read up to where we are in the scripts, and I think that would give away too much.

This implies to me that s3 is going to go a bit beyond The Shadow Rising, at least in places, because it's no secret that TSR is going to be the spine of the season.

We get more from Daniel:

WotSeries: How about any movement towards developing the relationship between Lan and Nynaeve in season three? Daniel: Season three, yes, it’s more of a build season for those two. There are some really great scenes, some stuff we’re really happy with. We do get to see some intimate stuff, not sexual stuff necessarily. So, some moments with them. But with Lan and Nynaeve, it’s this working toward what the book readers know it’s going to be. It all depends on how much time we get, how many seasons we get to do this thing. That’s a relationship that I’m really excited about and I love working with Zoë.

So, again, yeah, that really does make me feel like we're going to get one or two episodes at the start of the season where the whole crew is together and bonding. In the books, Lan and Nynaeve basically don't see each other at all between splitting up at the beginning of TSR and then eight million years later in ACoS. I do think that we might also get a reunion of at least some of the characters at the end of s3, though.

In Donal's interview:

Dónal: Well, I have big faith in Mat. I’m pretty confident in him. Regarding chatting to women.

This makes me wonder if we're getting Melindhra introduced next season. Because, uh, Mat has not really had a lot of success so far. I mean, apart from the very first episode.

Dónal: Well, there’s loads that you can look forward to in season 3. I mean, we’ve got much of it. I feel like I’ve filmed a good stretch of it, and I’ve really enjoyed the material and the new arc. This arc that I go on this season. And I think you can just expect things to be… there’s more moments with the characters to kind of learn about them in more quiet, subtle ways, more revealing ways. And I think it’s probably common knowledge that Mat does change his clothes between 2 and 3. You know, like really, we would have to ask questions and get concerned if he didn’t. I feel like I could tell you that. And I’m excited, man. I’m very happy to be wearing what I’m wearing.

Not that this should be shocking to anyone, lol, but Mat will have an arc next season! Dónal does a good job of not saying anything here though, lol. We WOULD have to be concerned if he hadn't changed clothes, yes, lol. I am excited to hear that Mat is getting some good character moments next season.

Ceara also shared this with us in the collider interview:

My script is always annotated with little quotes from the books, which I really love.

That's amazing! I think this is the first time anyone has mentioned it? That's a really neat way of giving the actors context for their lines.

We all knew that Elayne & Nynaeve would get a big story together in s3 but we get that confirmed:

We see Elayne bump into certain characters this season, but obviously, this cast is huge and growing all the time. I'm sure you cannot go into too many spoilers about Season 3, but for Ceara the actor, which characters are you really excited for Elayne to get to have more screen time with? COVENEY: I'm really excited to continue the journey that Zoë and I have started with Nynaeve and Elayne. I'm really excited to see where that goes because they've had such a rough start and were thrown into such extreme situations. So yeah, if the fans lovingly call it the Detective Agency, I'm excited to see if the business is thriving.

Natasha had two interviews that I've seen, one with decider and one with looper.

There's nothing for s3 in the decider interview that I could see, but from looper we get:

But it's not just about the evil deeds; it's also about the politics. When you come into Season 3 — without giving anything away — it opens up the mind to this more vulnerable side of Lanfear and where she's coming from. The relationship with Rand — there are scenes in Series 2 [where] you get little glimpses and nuggets of that, that there is a vulnerability there, or more reasons rather than just being dark and evil. Circling back to a previous comment, you said Lanfear knows what she wants. As Natasha, what do you think Lanfear wants? The goal in the whole realm of the world is, if I put it like … Beyoncé and Jay-Z. She wants to be the king and queen. What she wants is the Dragon and her to be together, have their kingdom, make some good choices. That's her main goal, and to shoo away anybody else that gets in the way of that.

So it sounds like we might be getting Lanfear's Big Offer (we could challenge the Creator) to Rand in s3, which would make sense.

#wot s3 speculation #wot speculation #wot #wheel of time #wot on prime #wot s2 spoilers #wot 2x8 spoilers #wot book spoilers #the fires of heaven

[suzie-shooter]

ELMS interview with Clem (link above, copied text under the cut)

Double WSK Super Master Series Kart Champion and Formula 2 race winner Clement Novalak will begin on a new chapter in 2024 when the 23-year-old French driver makes his ELMS debut with Inter Europol Competition in Barcelona, ​​competing for the overall title in LMP2 alongside Ollie Gray and Luca Ghiotto.

After clinching his second WSK Super Master Series title in 2017, Novalak moved up to single seaters winning the 2019 BRDC British Formula 3 title with Carlin and finishing third in the 2021 standings of the FIA ​​Formula 3 Championship. A move to Formula 2 garnered another win with Trident Racing last season, but now Clement Novalak has his sights set on glory in the ELMS and beyond.

Novalak was due to make his endurance racing debut at the Daytona 24 in January, racing in LMP2 with his new team. However, a pit lane incident during the final practice session sidelined the French driver before he could compete in his first race. After suffering a fractured rib, Novalak has now recovered and is ready for the start of the ELMS season in April.

So w hat influenced Novalak to change from single seats to prototypes? “I have always enjoyed the longer format of races; being able to get yourself into the zone at the wheel of the car for multiple hours,” he said. “The format is a real challenge, and enjoyable as we get to work with other drivers. I've always been interested in endurance racing from a young age when I watched the 24 Hours of Le Mans with my dad.

“In saying that, this is a new challenge for me, it's very different from what I'm used to with the sprint races in Formula 2 and Formula 3, but I'm really looking forward to it,” Novalak continued.

“ELMS is good for me, with WEC not having the LMP2s on the calendar anymore, ELMS now has so much racing talent within the championship and this means, that it will be harder to perform well. Inter Europol Competition are a mega team, they have great experience at the highest level of sportscar competition, and I am delighted to be racing with them this year.”

The next obvious question is how the Oreca 07 compares to the single seaters Clement Novalak has raced up to now. “Surprisingly, the car is not too different to what I have been used to,” Novalak admitted. “While heavy, it still has a single-seater vibe! The tires are more complaint than what we had in Formula 2, so overall, it feels similar, and I felt at home from the get-go.

“You can change your driving style and the car responds well, it does what you want so you can play around with it. It’s been extremely enjoyable getting to know the car and hopefully, we’ll be fast out of the box in Barcelona.”

Another new thing that Clement Novalak will have to learn and that is sharing a car. So how does he approach sharing a race car with two other drivers for the first time? “I'm looking forward to working alongside them both to try and extract as much performance as we car from the car and have some fun on the way!

“I don't know either particularly well. Luca (Ghiotto) was someone I looked up to in Formula 3 in my formative years, as he raced against the likes of Callum Ilott and those guys. Ollie (Gray), I know of, he's been in F3 and did a season with Carlin, as did I, so I expect we can share some stories and experiences.”

The competition in the ELMS is always fierce but with 22 LMP2s on the grid, 14 in LMP2, this season is likely to be tougher than ever for the overall title. So how is Clement Novalak approaching the start of the season and what is the goal for his debut year in Le Mans Prototypes? “For sure it's going to be the toughest LMP2 grid in the history of ELMS. There are so many professional drivers joining the series, so it’s going to be a huge challenge,” he admitted. “From my side, I unfortunately fractured a rib in Daytona, so I have not been able to be in the gym as much as I would like, but I have been around the sport and will do as much as I can physically, use the simulator, talk to the engineers and test when I can.

“I'll approach each race weekend as a standalone event, and not think too much about the championship. My job is to maximize everything in the car and the added benefits of having two teammates on the same car is, that we pool our knowledge and feedback to adapt and develop together.”

With six of the most challenging circuits in Europe the ELMS offers a good variety of challenges. So which circuit is Clement Novalak looking forward to the most? “I've had the pleasure of racing on all of the tracks, and to be honest, while there's only six rounds, they are probably the best circuits in Europe.

“It's difficult to pick and choose a favorite, but for me, Le Castellet is a home race and will therefore be special. The elevation changes make Spa-Francorchamps a favorite of many drivers, and for me Imola is one to look forward to with the flowing layout and great atmosphere.”

So what does Clement Novalak get up to when he is not racing? “For me, it is important to be able to switch off, outside of racing. I really enjoy playing tennis and watching football with friends. I'm starting a business at the moment – ​​related to motorsport – so that is taking up quite a lot of my time away from the racetrack.

“I think once you're an athlete, you always enjoy – and respect tremendously – others excelling in other sports. So apart from sitting on the couch watching F1, its football, tennis, and golf; plenty to do in the time I do have off!”

The opening round of the 2024 European Le Mans Series, the 4 Hours of Barcelona, ​​will take place at the Circuit de Barcelona-Catalunya in Spain on Sunday April 14.

#clement novalak #ELMS

[dragonseeds]

what are you looking forward to the most in season 2? any hopes, expectations, etc.

i’m most excited for BLOOD & CHEESE and whatever psychological torture alys is putting daemon through at harrenhal <3 <3 also very curious about how they will handle rhaenyra’s reaction to b&c—i think that’s a key moment that will give insight into how exactly they plan to develop her character throughout the rest of the show.

also inexpressibly excited for the dragonseeds! i don’t think nettles will be in this season, but i can’t wait for her and sheepstealer. i know people theorize she’ll be cut from the show, but i can’t even fathom it????she’s too important. there’s no way to do it without gutting the themes of the story? if they do you’ll see me on the news though.

aside from that i’m really interested to see how they handle the classism inherent in the concept of dragonseeds. (though tbh i’ll cry laughing if it leads to people who are obsessed with presenting the hightowers as persecuted servants instead of an ancient house of powerful nobles saying shit like, “the hightowers and the dragonseeds have so much in common actually, both striving for upward mobility. it really adds context to the defection of ulf the white and hugh hammer!!” 😭😭)

with that, i’m sooo curious to see if we get a scene with corlys and rhaenys discussing addam and alyn. like i can’t imagine they would skip that—it’s too crucial and too messy. like is that man seriously going to try to tell her they are her dead gay son’s bastards. can’t wait. weirdly nervous to see how they’re going to handle addam claiming seasmoke when laenor is still alive? i’m a fantasy girlie at heart so dragon/rider bond is very interesting to me.

my main hope for the season though is that the tb kids get more development, particularly baela and rhaena. they were so underused last season and it’s inexplicable to me why so many small moments with them were cut when just a little bit more could’ve added so much. like with all the heavy handedness re: aemond and lucerys/aemond and daemon, they couldn’t have done more with baela and aegon? in theory i understand that it was the actions of the greens driving the plot at the end of s1, so it makes sense to spend more time learning their characters and motivations, but if the baela, rhaena, and jace don’t get that same level of investment in s2 then what’s the point.

the other thing i’m really hoping for is of course that we see daemon and rhaenyra being unhinged together in a fun sexy way this season before things start to really crack. i have no idea how their relationship will be handled, but my main hope is that they continue to show the complexity of it and of rhaenyra’s feelings in particular without infantilizing her. literally my only requirement and i can work with anything else.

other things i’m looking forward to: sunfyre the prettiest baby and whatever is going on with alicent and aegon—like we love a perpetuated cycle you know? also i guess i’ll admit to being excited to see the starks again. fine, i am. and jace with no wig! baela on moondancer! just seeing these characters again, i love them all so much. what are you excited about??

*i’ve never cared for criston

#sorry it took me 2-3 weeks to answer this lol #but thank you for asking <3 #despite what the length of this ask suggests i’m really trying not to expect too much and just appreciate the show for what it is #hotd

[queerauntie]

October Reads

This month was my most packed month! I was working a full-time job with a huge commute and I was popping Alice Oseman like a housewife pops Vicodin- desperately. They held me down like I didn't even realize I needed until looking back. My job was really toxic and pushed me to my emotional limits. Alice created a consistently safe space where I could feel hopeful and romantic. Like no matter how hard shit was going, it was going to get better! I can't recommend this author enough, Alice Oseman is the master of young adult fiction. Each story has its own package of wholesomeness. I can't wait to see what they come out with next (including season 2 of Heartstopper!). I will be making a separate post that you can read here to talk about just how much these books gutted me emotionally, but I wanted to get this out! So here's a brief overview of my thoughts on those books!

Alice Oseman Books I read this month:

Loveless (I think this one was my favorite)

This Winter (had no idea it was so short until it was over!)

Radio Silence (this one holds a special place in my heart, it's the first one I ever read, years ago, and because of ADHD I got to read it again for the first time ever)

Solitaire (this poor precious baby tori needs a hug!)

I Was Born for This (Oh but this one was so good too)

As for the 3 non-Oseman books we have:

What If It's Us by Becky Albertalli & Adam Silvera

Black Girls Must Die Exhausted by Jayne Allen

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender

I feel like it's carnal sin to talk poorly about queer art because we get so little of it, we don't want anyone to use it as an excuse not to continue pushing it forward. But after Alice Oseman set the bar, I gotta say I was a little disappointed with What if It's us by Albertalli and Silvera. The characters were sweet but ultimately fell flat. The plot was romantic, but predictable. But I want to give it flowers because it is a story about queer love and you can't help but root for the kids, even if they are a little obsessive.

Black Girls Must Die Exhausted was so so fun! I talked a lot about it in my review here, but to summarize- Tabitha is my girl and I would fight anyone for her!! Including and primarily that fool of a man who keeps playing with her! I was sick of it!!! Ultimately if she is happy I am thrilled, but after falling in love with Tabitha Walker as a character, I just can't accept any less than someone who is as obsessed with her as I am. Is that so much to ask!? With the 3rd book in the series yet to be published, I am eagerly awaiting to hear about how my friend is doing, check in on the beautiful life she's made for herself, and lend an unknowing ear to her stressors and fears. That's my best friend right there! 🥹

Felix Ever After is everything I expected What If It's Us to be. It's still young adult fiction, still frazzled young protagonists, and predictable conflict that seems easily resolved. But what set these two books apart is how well Callender was able to put you in the shoes of their characters and feel the emotions on a real level. It was so sweet and I'll be recommending this book to my trans non-binary sibling because they were very much a Felix when it came to gender exploration! As a millennial queer, it can feel a little intense seeing how much the younger kids grasp onto labels so tightly. Not to say labels are bad, as they can help you learn about yourself, but when it's not the vocab you grew up with, it can seem a little silly. This book helped me understand the journey more personally (and even helped me find a new relationship with my gender!). For that alone, the book gets all the flowers!

Yearly Book Count: 16/??

#what im reading #alice oseman #this winter #loveless #solitaire #radio silence #i was born for this #what if its us #becky albertalli #adam silvera #black girls must die exhausted #jayne allen #felix ever after #kacen callender #young adult #young adult fiction #ya #rom com #ya romance #adult fiction #adult romance #osemanverse

[from-the-clouds]

Thinking of a Place (Part III) - Kendall Roy x Reader

gif by @televisionchronicles

Part One | Part Two | Fic Playlist | Masterlist

Summary: You attempt to piece your life back together after your time spent with Kendall, and finding out your job is likely obsolete.

Words: 6.9k.

Warnings: Contains SMUT (minors dni) unprotected sex. Depression. Angst. Kendall Roy existing and being a deeply sad man. Spoilers for seasons 1-3 of Succession.

A/N: So uh, I didn't think I'd continue this but I was kind of itching to write something longer with Kendall, and I really liked these two. So I sat and thought about how to keep this going and have a plan. All the kinks aren't ironed out yet, but I am assuming there will be at least 3-4 more parts, maybe. Hopefully ya'll are interested/excited & down for the ride.

I apologize in advance for any inaccuracies in business procedures or anything like that while I progress through this storyline. I write for fun while still working full time, so don't always have time to deeply research every story I post. But I've been really enjoying writing this. Sorry in advance for allllll the angst. And sorry to my former english teachers for using flashbacks. Also, all flashbacks are in italics

Also please go listen to the playlist I made for this story! Music is such a big part of the writing process for me and I love when writers post what they listen to when writing! Helps me discover new stuff.

Frantically typing on your computer, you were trying to get all your work done before the end of the day. For the first time in years, you had time off for the holiday, and you were spending it alone at a resort in The Bahamas. You were usually alone on the holidays anyways, but at least this year it wouldn’t be spent in your shoddy apartment.

When you heard a knock on your office door, you looked up, to find Kendall poking his head in. “Oh, hey Ken, come in,” you frowned. He rarely came to visit your office, so you wondered if you were in trouble, especially when he shut the door behind him.

“Hey, you’re leaving tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah, I got a flight to catch in a couple hours,” you said, eyeing him as he stepped forward, somewhat awkwardly. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You tried to figure out what you had done wrong recently that might warrant a closed door meeting. During your last one-on-one with him you had gotten rather snippy about an acquisition he wanted to make that you thought was a poor choice, and the conversation ended with him commanding you to leave his office. But honestly, that type of thing had happened before and hadn’t been a big deal. Maybe this time it was, and you hadn’t realized it.

“Uh-huh, I wanted to catch you before you left. Give you this.”

“What?” you sat up straight in your desk chair, leaning forward as he presented you with a very professionally wrapped gift you hadn’t noticed he was holding until now. “What is this?”

“You can open it,” he stood in front of you, waiting, crossing his arms.

“Kendall, seriously?” You asked, looking down at the white box, emblazoned with the Dior logo. But you did as he instructed, undoing the crisp ribbon and lifting off the top of the box. Reaching inside, you pulled out a very intricately designed piece of what felt like…silk.

“Wow this is…” your eyes widened as you pulled the scarf out of the box, admiring the detail, the feeling of the fabric slipping delicately through your fingers. “It’s beautiful.” You shook your head, unable to find anything else to say, unable to express any emotion besides pure shock.

“Uh-huh,” he said, watching you closely. “I’ve been clean for a year now, and uh, I know that uh, you aren’t still…doing the same job you did when we met but uh, I can’t help but think you’re partially responsible for helping me get my shit together, so uhh…I wanted to thank you.”

With a fucking Dior scarf? What were you going to do with a Dior scarf? You didn’t even want to know how much it cost, even though you were absolutely going to look it up when you went home just to see. Probably more than you spent on groceries in a year. You did pretty well for yourself at this point, in fact, you’d been pretty excited when you were able to buy a dress one time at FreePeople that wasn’t in the sale section, but Dior? That didn’t seem attainable, ever.

“If you’ve been clean for a year, you should buy something for yourself, not for me,” you said, wryly, setting down the scarf and offering a smile. You really, really, hated receiving gifts, there was something about it that made you feel guilty, especially when it was unexpected. Because of that, the only thing you could do besides blush and avoid eye contact was crack a joke.

“Uh-huh, well, it’s Christmas, too,” he said, as you continued to inspect the gift. “And…I’ve seen you wear stuff like that. They’re hand painted, you know.”

“Yeah,” you shook your head, taking a deep breath. You already knew that because you’d read it last week in an art magazine. This was, in theory, a very good and considerate gift. But, you wondered if it was even appropriate to wear something like this around the office, if word got out that he’d bought it for you.

Pushing back your chair, you stood, circling around your desk to approach him. “Thank you, Kendall, it’s beautiful. Very thoughtful.”

In some deeper part of your brain, you thought this was a really hot thing for him to do for you. But you were going to pretend like you didn’t.

So you hugged him carefully, and he seemed surprised at first, taking a second to hug you back, embracing you cautiously. As you pulled away, however, he pressed a gentle, well-mannered kiss to your cheek. One of your hands remained on his shoulder as you looked at him.

“You should be really proud of yourself, you know. Staying sober for a year…still in this shitshow?” you chuckled, gesturing around the office, shaking your head. “I’m proud of you. That can’t be easy.”

Squeezing his shoulder, you dropped your hand. He chuckled, looking down, putting his hands in the pockets of his suit jacket. “Uh-huh…fucking, it’s not. But uh, thanks. I should let you get back at it, though. Merry Christmas.”

You smiled. “Merry Christmas, Kendall.”

--- --- --- --- ---

Sunlight streamed through cracks in the curtains, and it took you a minute upon waking to recognize where you were.

It was warm. Comfortingly, blissfully warm, and you turned your head to find the source of the heat, and the soft sighs next to you.

Kendall.

His head was on your shoulder, your arms wrapped around him, holding him close, while one of his hands splayed across your belly. Snippets of the night before flashed through your mind, his mouth on every part of you, body stretched out over yours.

Now, he looked so peaceful, curled around you, snug, fast asleep. The air in his place was cool, you could feel the goosebumps rising on your exposed skin, but he was like a furnace coiled against you. You didn’t mind.

“What is this?” he had whispered at one point the night before, while you were still trembling in the wake of an orgasm, his arm across your waist, pulling you back against his chest. The two of you had been up nearly all night, you’d let him take you however he wanted, however you begged for him, a pathetic, whiny mess. You obeyed every order he’d given. And he had been so, so good to you.

Your stomach tightened at the thought of it, a dull throb returning between your thighs, as if you hadn’t had enough. It would probably be awhile before you did have enough. And that was the issue.

There wasn’t an answer to his question you felt you could give. It was Kendall, after all, and you liked Kendall. You could feel that this wasn’t a one time thing. But from a practical standpoint, maybe it should be. Or maybe not. Your mind kept batting the possibilities around. Even now, there was a deep impulse to sneak out of his arms, gather your things, and leave the apartment without saying a word.

“Hey,” a low voice interrupted your emotional turmoil, as your eyes locked onto the man who was causing said turmoil. So much for leaving without waking him, you thought, staring into his dark eyes.

“Hey,” you answered, as Kendall shifted his weight, sliding from underneath you. It allowed you to fall deeper into the down pillows, trapped beneath him as he hovered over you, arm around your waist.

“Have you been up for long? You should’ve woken me.”

“I didn’t want to,” you answered. “You needed sleep.”

“Uh-huh,” he murmured, leaning forward to nuzzle his face into your neck. “How sweet.”

You were trying to figure out a way to stay in this bed longer. Leaving meant facing consequences. But unfortunately, you had to pee.

“You sleep okay?” he asked.

You giggled, the vibration of his voice, low and gentle in your ear made you shiver. His lips found a place on your neck, pressing there lazily, absentmindedly. “Yeah, I did.”

Of course you did. It would’ve been nearly impossible not to sleep well after last night, made up of several rounds of intense, passionate sex. It was all fucking, napping, talking, and then fucking again, until you both eventually found your way to sleep.

“Are you hungry? Do you need to shower?”

You thought for a moment. If you said no, made some excuse and dipped out awkwardly, he’d definitely ping it as being weird. Then you’d actually have to talk to him about what you’d both done. Maybe if you pretended like everything was okay, you wouldn’t have to. Also, unrelated, but you knew his bathroom was probably much nicer than yours, and you kind of wanted to experience showering in a billionaire's shower. “A shower might be nice.”

“Go ahead,” he pulled himself away from you, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear tenderly. Why was he being so nice? It was like he could sense your apprehension.

The shower felt nice, an opportunity to wash away the filth of the night before. And while you kind of hoped that Kendall would join you, you were a little thankful that he didn’t, ultimately. It was good to have a little space, an opportunity to clear your mind. Even if that space left room for all the doubts that had been in the back of your mind while you let Kendall have his way with you.

Why did you do that? That was a terrible idea. Everything’s gonna change now. Was it worth it?

Sure yeah, it was. And you needed to stop acting like you hadn’t been in your right mind when you’d made the decision. You had been. You knew exactly what you were doing. You had wanted it.

There were ample towels to dry off with, you wrapped one around your head and one around your torso when you were finished, brushing your teeth with a spare toothbrush you found still in it’s packaging in one of his drawers. After that, you felt a little more human, looking in the mirror and noticing the lovemark Kendall had left on your neck. You knew it’d be a bitch to cover up. A few bruises on your hips left a roadmap of other places he’d touched you. Thinking about it again had your stomach flipping and you could feel yourself getting flushed.

But you couldn’t let your mind wander. You had to focus on your exit strategy.

Leaving the bathroom, you ducked to pick up the dress you’d worn the night before, that had been discarded on the floor, along with your bra and panties. You heard the sink running in the other bathroom - yeah, his fucking master bedroom had two bathrooms – and assumed Kendall was freshening up as well.

Now would’ve been a good time to sneak out. But the idea made less and less sense the more you thought about it. You knew deep down you would’ve never done it to begin with, because it was downright cruel. And you didn’t want to be cruel. You could have your dramatic mental breakdown about this later. You had to keep it together, for him.

“Here, let me help,” you were attempting to zip your dress back up as Kendall’s voice interrupted you, reentering the room. He had changed into a sweater and sweatpants.

Stepping behind you, he helped you zip the dress all the way up, squeezing your shoulder gently, and you turned around to face him. “Do you want breakfast or anything?” he asked.

You shook your head no. Really, you were overcome by the urge to ask him if he’d get back in bed with you just to cuddle. He looked so cozy in that fucking sweater. But that was no good, you figured. “No, I should probably get going, Ken.”

“Uh-huh, okay,” he pulled away from you slightly, looking a little wounded. Something you wouldn’t have noticed if you didn’t know him. “You okay?”

Fuck. You nodded, lying. “I’m fine, sorry. I just feel like I’m imposing.”

“Well, you aren’t,” he smiled lightly, reaching out to pull you closer to him, his hands steady on your hips, touch still igniting a flame within you. “But if you need to leave, let me at least walk you out. You want me to call a car?”

You shook your head no. “I don’t mind walking. But thank you.”

The walk would clear your head, or so you hoped. A smile teased at the corners of your mouth as you made your way down the hall together, pausing to put on your boots and grab your purse.

“So, is this it, then?” Kendall asked, stopping you as you were about to slip out the door, his hand clasped around your bicep, holding you back. You hadn’t hugged him, hadn’t kissed him since you’d gotten out of bed. His eyes were wide, earnestly searching yours. Oh my god, you really couldn’t refuse him. Not just from a physical standpoint but also just…because it was him. You couldn’t forget everything he’d been through. “Will I…can I see you again?”

You tilted your head. “Is that…what you want?”

Kendall nodded. “Uh-huh…I do, I- yeah. I do.”

“Okay then uh, maybe Friday?” It was only a couple days away. Hopefully by then you might have your thoughts sorted out.

“Of course, I’ll call you.”

You smiled, nodded, stepped towards the door but he stopped you again.

“Hold on, come here,” he said, pulling you close, into his arms. He kissed you again, reverently, hand cradling your face and slowly parting your lips with his tongue. Tears bit at the back of your eyes, overwhelmed by emotion - guilt, sadness, uncertainty, affection - spinning through you all at once. All that, and you still couldn’t help but smile against him, as he pulled away slightly, just to wrap you tightly back against him. Returning the hug, you let your fingers graze between his shoulder blades.

“Thank you,” he said into your ear. “For everything.”

“Of course, Ken,” you pressed your lips to his cheek, his eyes fluttered closed. “I’ll see you soon, okay? Take care of yourself.”

He nodded. “I will.”

--- --- --- --- ---

The phone rang several times before the person on the other end finally picked up.

“So let me guess, you’re finally jumping ship?”

You were sitting on your couch wearing sweats, curled up under a blanket, laptop open in front of you. On your TV were reruns of MasterChef, but muted, as you were more occupied with the person on the other line.

“Oh hey Stewy, glad to hear you’re doing well,” you answered, pushing back the cuticle on your ring finger with your thumbnail. “I’m doing great, thanks for asking.”

“Come on, you of all people should appreciate skipping out on general pleasantries,” he answered, clucking his tongue. He paused on the other line, lowering his voice before speaking again. “I know there’s only a handful of reasons you’re calling me.”

“Mhm,” you affirmed. “Care to guess which one?”

“Well, if you really wanted to make my day you can imagine what I’d like this phone call to be about…” he paused, and you rolled your eyes, even if he wasn’t there to see it. “But in light of current events I’d suspect the real reason isn’t fun.”

You chuckled lightly. Stewy was the biggest flirt you’d ever met in your career. It almost would’ve offended you, if he wasn’t equally as suggestive with every other person he met, Kendall included. In fact…maybe even more so with Kendall than anyone else. But that was an analysis for a later time. “Yeah, well I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s not fun.”

“That’s too bad. You know, I always figured you’d reach out. I’m just surprised it wasn’t sooner.”

Throwing the blanket off your lap, you stretched your hands over your head. “How do you mean?”

“Well, Kendall and I used to be friends…and uh, even considering that, I don’t think I’d last long working for him. You held out a lot longer than I expected. But then again, he did seem awfully….protective of you.”

“Kendall’s not the issue,” You said. Kendall was frequently, and currently, an issue, but…in a different way. “He is…was a good boss.”

“How’s he handling this news?”

“I don’t know,” you lied. “I mean, I’m sure he’s not thrilled but uh, hopefully he’ll figure things out.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see about that. If you’re still on good terms with him, I’m surprised you’re calling me.”

You sighed. This man was kind of exhausting. Sometimes, you felt your brain wasn’t meant to work the same way the people in this world did. To you, there weren't a thousand thinly veiled messages being communicated in this call. Right now, you were just trying to find a job. “Well, you and I have always gotten along. And I trust you-”

“You shouldn’t-”

“Can you let me finish? Damn.” you snipped, sitting up straight and rolling your eyes. “I mean that in the simplest sense of the word.”

“Atta girl.”

It was easy to picture him now, leaning back in his chair with his feet on the desk, maybe strutting down some hallway with one of his hands in his pockets, the other holding his phone to his ear, always in a rush to get somewhere, each conversation he was running off to always more important than the last. Honestly, you were a little surprised he picked up at all.

“You’re a well connected guy, Stewy,” you said, standing up, beginning to pace around your small living area, stepping in between the cracks of your wooden floor absentmindedly. “And I’m looking for work. It kind of makes sense you might help me out. Keep an ear out, if you hear of anything.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “I mean, I’ll see what I can do. I can give you the number of a good headhunter, for starters.”

“That’d be great.”

“Yeah, I’ll have my assistant send it over. You should send me your resume, too. And uh, don’t go hopping on to anything too quickly. Talk to me, first. And who knows? Ken might still need you.” He started to talk a little faster, which told you you maybe had 30 seconds before his attention was pulled elsewhere.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t know. Logan can’t be the only one to make this decision, selling all of Waystar. There’s other people- hey, sorry, I gotta run to a meeting. But uh, yeah, let’s keep in touch.”

The line went dead before you could say goodbye and you sighed. All things considered, that went better than you were expecting. You just hoped it would pay off.

--- --- --- --- ---

The few days away from Kendall were exactly what you needed. It sounded counterintuitive, considering that he’d been on your mind most of the time. But you’d worked through the kinks.

You’d come to a conclusion, or really, a lack of a conclusion. Logistically, it was a bad idea to sleep with your former boss. Doing this was setting yourself to be hurt. There was no way it would ever work out. So you decided to keep doing it, anyways.

As someone who had spent all their life buttoned up, sacrificing their own happiness to do the right thing, the practical thing, the good thing, you were sick of it. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t rewarding. It just made you more miserable. You wanted to do the bad thing. It felt good to do the bad thing. And if he needed someone, why couldn’t it be you?

One trembling hand reached out to open the front door of your apartment, finding Kendall on the other side. The last time he’d been here, you’d been unprepared. Hell, the last time you’d seen him, you’d been unprepared. This time, you’d cleaned your place, you’d made dinner, you’d showered, shaved, made sure your underwear was matching, spent the better part of your day just making sure you looked your best. At one point, while you were on your hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor, it dawned on you that Kendall had probably never had to do anything like this, and it sort of pissed you off a little, nearly making you reconsider inviting him over in the first place. But then you immediately changed your mind.

Now, you half wished you hadn’t invited him over here days ago, and that he would’ve just showed up without any plans in place. Because all of the preparation, all the anticipation, had given you too much time to think.

“Hey,” Kendall stepped over the threshold, into your space, looking around. He looked handsome, of course, wearing a fucking sport coat and brown pants. Underneath the blazer was a crisp white t-shirt, unbuttoned just enough so you could see just a peek of his chest hair. Coming into your place looking like a professor who you’d do anything for to pass his class. It kind of pissed you off.

“Hey,” You’d already started drinking before he arrived. Kind of because you didn’t want to be drinking in front of him, since it had seemed like he was trying to stop the last time you were together, but mostly because you were fucking nervous.

“I brought this,” he said, revealing a bottle of wine that had been tucked under his arm.

You let him place it in your hands, looking at the label. You knew very little about wine, but you knew that this particular winery didn’t sell bottles for anything less than $500. “Thank you, this is like….really fucking expensive.”

“Oh? I don’t fucking know. The guy at the place said it was good, so…it probably s.”

“Come on in,” you said. “I just made dinner, if you’re hungry.”

Kendall followed you in. “Maybe in a little bit. Unless you are…”

Shaking your head, you crossed your arms in front of your chest and leaned back against the counter to look at him. Your stomach was just doing constant summersaults, twisting into itself. You didn’t want to eat either. And you were sort of frustrated with yourself for being so on edge, considering that the last time you’d been together he’d been fucking you raw. It had been awhile since you intentionally spent time with someone you actually liked.

Kendall watched you set the bottle down on your countertop, hands trembling. You weren’t easy to read but he had picked up on things over the years, here and there. It was rare, really, for you to show any type of anxiety, uneasiness. In fact, out of most of his employees, he could always rely on you to be composed. Of course, he wasn’t going to call it out and make things worse. There was, in the back of his brain, the very real concern that he was here just so you could tell him you regretted everything. In fact, he sort of wanted you to say it, so then he wouldn’t spoil you any further. Everything he touched got fucked.

Even knowing that, he still reached out, tentative.

“You look beautiful,” Kendall stepped closer to you, one of his arms sliding around your waist. Something about his touch made much of the nervousness dissipate. He leaned into kiss you very slowly, eyes searching for your own, all warmth and sadness before they closed, his lips slotting with yours.

Immediately you wanted more. Wanted him to hoist you up onto the counter, push your dress up over your hips and let him have you however he liked, frantic, desperate. All he had to do was kiss you, it was pathetic. But Kendall hadn’t been into that when you were last together. And maybe you needed to exercise some self-control and let him take off his shoes first, at the very least.

But he seemed different this time, his hands wandering, one of them gripping your ass, the other holding you tightly to his chest. Humming against his mouth, you let him lift your leg to hook over your thigh. His hips pressed forward, pinning you in between him and the counter, gave him space to run his hands underneath the skirt of the dress you’d worn, casual but nice enough for a date.

Two fingers hooked in the waistband of your thong, dragging it down. “Wow, so eager,” you teased.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” his voice was lower than usual, husky, filled with want. The warmth of his breath hit your neck, fanned out, his tongue grazed over the spot where he’d bitten you, now a fading bruise.

“Me too,” you whimpered when he sucked down on the still tender area, like he still knew it still hurt but wanted you to feel it anyway. You didn’t know how he was so good at guessing what would turn you on, but maybe it made sense, deep down. He’d known you for long enough. Maybe he paid closer attention than you thought.

You rutted your hips against his, desperate for some kind of friction, something to help quell the arousal burning between your legs. Kendall steadied you, holding you back, away from him, and you whined in protest, until he spoke. “I’m gonna take care of you,” he murmured. “Don’t worry.”

And then he dropped to his knees, one hand on each of your hips. Looking you at you, he pressed his chin to your stomach, pulling you flush with him. And he stayed like that for a moment, watching your chest rise and fall, feeling the goosebumps that rose on your skin.

When he finally tore his gaze away, you knew what he was going to do, but that still didn’t prepare you for it. One of his hands lazily dragged down to hook on the soft underside of your knee, lifting it over his shoulder.

Kendall’s head turned to press a kiss against the inside of your thigh. And you were trembling, not from nerves anymore, it was anticipation. He was moving so slowly, smirking at every noise you made, every hitch in your breath. You made fists in the shoulders of his dress shirt, longing for purchase, even though it gave you very little.

And he was nipping, sucking, trailing his mouth lazily, moving closer to where you wanted him. “These dresses you wear…” he chuckled. “You make it so easy for me, don’t you?”

You nodded. Maybe you hadn’t imagined this exactly, but it was part of the reason you’d worn one. “Ken,” you sighed, softly, one final sweet plea before his mouth latched onto your clit. You were so wet already, he sunk two fingers into you with nearly no resistance, all at the same time.

Crying out, you reached behind you to brace yourself against the counter, clinging to anything you could just to keep yourself from collapsing. You’d never met a man so eager to go down on you, so fucking desperate for it. Kendall was fucking moaning into your cunt, the vibration making you shake even harder, even in his steady hands.

He found a rhythm that had your toes curling, sobbing out his name, and he didn’t relent. Not even bothering to offer any dirty talk like before, his mouth was otherwise occupied, and he seemed focused, diligent. You were going to last an embarrassing amount of time, having spent the better part of the week daydreaming about him. Curling his fingers perfectly, over and over again.

You came within minutes, too easily, overexcited, or maybe because he knew how to play you like a fucking instrument. Legs buckling beneath you, you squeezed your eyes shut as he let you ride your orgasm out on his mouth and fingers. And then he was standing again, wrapping you up in your arms.

“Kendall, you really didn’t have to-”

He cut you off with a kiss, tasting yourself on his lips. “Shh,” he pulled away. “Enough of that.”

“Wanna go to my room?” you asked, giggling in between sloppy presses of his lips. He was really horrible, really, in the best possible way.

“Sure,” he said, tugging at the loose end of the scarf in your hair, the one he’d bought you as a gift years ago. You never thought he’d notice you wearing it in this context, trailing behind you to your bedroom where you praying he’d fuck you within an inch of your life.

He was palming at the zipper of your dress as you stumbled over the threshold, you turned around to claw at the buttons on his shirt, a bit more confident this time around, and better at unbuttoning them. Before you’d been thrown into this world, very few of your previous flings ever wore button downs, besides on special occasions. They were a little frustrating.

The problem with Ken going down on you was that it seemed to only make things worse, as in – that it only made you more needy for him.

After you’d haphazardly managed to get each other out of your clothes, your back hit the bed, he stepped between your legs and you reached for his cock, hard between you both. His head tilted backwards, eyes closing as you worked him with your hand. You really, really wanted to suck him off but you were also feeling a little bit selfish, so you resisted the urge. In his brief moment of surrender, you watched him carefully in the dim light of the room, his cheeks all pink and flushed, the way his throat worked as he swallowed hard between gasps.

“You’re great, you know that?” you asked him softly, and his chin tilted down, eyes snapping open to look at you. You thought it might’ve made him smile, briefly, something to break the tension. Because he was, and you’d always thought so, even despite seeing his worst parts. But instead, his brows drew together and he shook his head, cupping your jaw with one hand and answering you with a bruising kiss. His teeth trapped your lower lip and he bit down, pulling back until you mewled at him. All of that to avoid just saying that he didn’t believe you. Like if he vocalized it, only then would you realize it, too.

“I want you on top, understand?” he asked, and you nodded, moving to let him join you on the bed, straddling his hips. He sat up, hands squeezing your breasts, pinching your nipples, as you kissed him again, moaning into his mouth.

You lowered yourself onto him, slowly, as he was still above average and not entirely easy to take all at once. But he was patient with you this time, pressing his lips down the column of your throat, down your chest, latching on one of your nipples, groaning at the feeling of you around him.

When you were fully seated on him, tentatively swaying your hips, feeling him deep in the pit of your stomach, he wrapped his arms around your waist.

“You’re so good,” Kendall cooed. “So fucking good for me.”

“Just for you,” you answered, voice a hoarse whisper, gazing down at him through half-lidded eyes as your hips rocked forward.

It felt nice to be so close to him, you’d always wanted to feel this, never imagining how good it might really be, or that you’d be able to do it at all, so you savored every moment. You knew that was the point of all of this, perhaps, but it went deeper than fucking for you.

Kendall felt the same, even though your self-doubt wouldn’t always let you believe such a thing, you knew it to be true just from the look in his eyes, his fingers tangling in your hair while you moved languidly, lips locking. He met each rise and fall of your hips, you felt him deeper than you ever had.

When you came, shuddering and sighing, gripping him tightly, he let out a gasp that sounded pained, and in one swift moment was somehow able to flip you both over pressing down into the cradle of your pelvis. He was on top of you again, pinning your hands over both of your heads. “Ken-” you sighed, still throbbing around him, inhaling sharply as he drew back, fucking into you, determined. After one particularly deep thrust he came undone, filling you up, your name on his lips along with a few choice expletives.

You really were too good, too sweet, too loyal for him, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted you anyways, he was greedy. He liked that you wanted him back, it almost had him believing maybe he did do something right, somewhere along the way, even if he had a long way to go.

In the afterglow, he held you, tucked under his arm, head resting on his chest, still trying to steady your breathing as his fingers trailed down your arm. Your eyelids were heavy, he was so warm. There was something about him that felt so….safe. And that was wrong, probably. But it wasn’t like you could tell yourself not to feel that way.

“So uh, before we got distracted I did have something exciting I was meaning to tell you,” Kendall’s voice, still husky from lingering arousal, cut through the silence.

“Hmmm?” you asked, looking up at him, mind still hazy and blissed out. “What’s that?”

“I’ve been talking to Roman and Shiv, bouncing around ideas, and uh, we realized there’s still a chance to save the company if we can convince the shareholders that dad’s not acting in their best interest.”

You stared at Kendall a minute, processing the information, what this meant. When it registered, you raised your eyebrows, blinking once and shaking your head. “Okay.”

“What?” Kendall asked. “What’s that face?”

“Nothing,” you lied. “I’m thinking.”

“What’s there to think about?”

So many things. You jerked your head forward, widening your eyes in shock to answer his question. Your lawyer brain started up. “You really want to do this?”

“Yeah, you know, fucking, we’ve gotta start reaching out, talking to people. But uh, if we can pull this off, we can get the company back,” he explained. “And then, get everything back on track.”

“Ken,” you sighed. “I thought you didn’t want to be CEO anymore. I thought you wanted to cash out.”

“Uh-huh, well, if this doesn’t work out then maybe, I just-” he began, and you rolled off of him, onto your back, covering your face with your hands. He stopped talking, and you felt him shift to face you, one of his hands carding through your hair. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m trying not to argue with you right now….because you just made me feel really good,” you shook your head. Dread was pooling in the pit of your stomach. This. This was why all of this was a bad idea. “I should’ve fucking known. Fucking Stewy tried to warn me,” you muttered.

“Stewy, what do you mean?” Kendall asked. “Have you been talking to him?”

You shook your head again, rolling your eyes before turning to Kendall. “Yeah, I called him Tuesday about helping me find a job.”

“Alright, what the fuck? What’d you do that for?” he said, irritable. “I told you I’d take care of you. Also like, I’m gonna fucking need you when I do this.”

“Oh, you’re going to need me?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. “Great. I’m so glad I get a choice in the matter.”

“So what, you don’t want this?”

“No, I don’t. I think it’s a poor idea.”

“Nice, cool. Fuckin’ uh, glad to see you’re supportive-” Kendall moved, sitting upwards, making to leave the bed but you grabbed his wrist first. He’d taken you so off guard with this, but now your brain was working a little better.

“Hey, Ken, stay here a second,” you softened your tone slightly, realizing you were coming in awfully strong, forgetting everything that had been going on for him the past few months. Also you weren’t interested in chasing him down through your apartment so scantily clad. He did, looking over at you with a surprisingly bitchy look on his face, one you’d seen probably a thousand times before. “Just let me finish.”

He stared at you, expectant.

You took a deep breath. “First of all, you need to do some soul searching as to why you think any critique of an idea you have is a declaration of hate because that’s not what this is. It’s not…it’s not that it’s a bad idea, okay?” you rescinded your words from earlier, even though you still very much thought it was a bad idea.

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt again,” you continued, pausing to gather the rest of your thoughts. “It’s….it’s been really hard for me to watch over the past few years because I care about you.”

Kendall sighed, expression softening as he lowered himself back down slightly. You continued. “I think you’re so smart and capable, and maybe all that energy could go into something else.”

“Uh-huh,” he turned back to you. “But this means a lot to me.”

“I know it does, I get it,” you sympathized. “But I want you to be happy. And I don’t know if putting yourself through this again is going to help.”

Kendall’s mind was already made up, you already knew. You weren’t going to be able to change it. “I’ve still got to try. Not just for me, but for Shiv and Roman. I can’t leave them hanging.”

“I understand,” you nodded. And you did. He’d caught you so off guard, you weren’t prepared for a conversation like this. Didn’t have the tools to fight him on it without it blowing up. So you backed down.

“And, I do need you,” he said, after a long pause. “I was gonna fly to LA on Monday.” I was hoping you could come along. You’re so good with this stuff.”

You should say no. But you knew you couldn’t. Why couldn’t you?

“After, we can spend a couple days in Acapulco,” was leaning towards you now. “Just the two of us in a private cabana, a hot tub overlooking the ocean, a bed big enough we wouldn’t have to leave it…”

He pulled you closer to him, hand on your waist, slowly trailing down to grip at your ass, squeezing roughly. Your eyes closed and you sighed, too pliant under his influence. But you knew if you were going to do this, you had to draw a line. I mean hell, it had been important to you, when deciding if you wanted to follow through with whatever the fuck this was between you both – that he was your former boss. Not your current one. And if you were back under his wing, well, that changed everything.

“Kendall that sounds lovely,” you said. Because it did. “But uh, if we’re going to be working together maybe this-” you gestured between the two of you. “Isn’t a good idea.”

“Why not?”

You scoffed. “Uh….so many reasons? Morally, ethically, spiritually. Obviously, it’s an HR nightmare, and a huge potential scandal. And just…you know…boundaries. Like, we’re talking about work right now and I’m in bed with you. That’s not fun. I don’t want to do that.”

Kendall pursed his lips together, confidence in his eyes that rarely surfaced, and you liked, but in this situation found annoying. “Uh-huh well, I think you should reconsider.”

“Okay,” And if he was getting to play this game, then so were you. Because if you took it in any other direction you’d end up arguing. You paused for a minute, furrowing your brows and looking around the room, pretending to be deep in thought, before focusing back on him and nodding. “Yeah, I just did, and I still think it’s a bad idea.”

“Well, I shouldn’t be here, then.” Kendall sighed, removing his hands from you, which was unfortunate, and you realized, you did not want. At least not now. You didn’t want him to leave you like this. In a salty kind of way.

“Wait Kendall-” you hooked your leg over his hip, dragging him back towards you.“This doesn’t change that I like you. You can’t leave yet. I just need some time to think it over. We should enjoy tonight, at the very least.”

He glanced back at you, unamused. “Plus, you haven’t even had dinner yet, and, not to brag or anything, but I am a culinary school dropout.”

“Oh wow, you’re so impressive,” he said sarcastically, and then added after a moment, fondly. “I didn’t know that about you.”

“It was a long time ago,” you explained, climbing on top of him, knees on either side of his waist, you pressed your palms against his chest. He tried to look irritated, but the facade slipped when you tilted your head, running your finger down the bridge of his nose, over his lips, before giving him a cheeky grin. He wasn’t going to change the subject, distract you from getting what you wanted. “Please?”

He looked at you, the affection in his eyes betraying him before he could even give his answer. “Okay.”

Part IV

#kendall roy x reader #kendall roy #succession writing #succession fanfic #kendall roy writing #shiv roy #roman roy #succession hbo #kendall x reader writer alliance please rise #stewy hosseini #YEP #STEWY MAKES AN APPEARANCE

[marwritesgood]

Just Me | S. Basset

Pairing: Simon x WOC!Reader

Timeframe: Early Season One

Summary: Simon and Y/n had a long history together. So why did it take reading Lady Whistledown’s latest column for her to learn about his blooming relationship with Daphne Bridgerton?

masterlist

A/N: This fic is over 6K words. 

The mere thought of a BIPOC love story set in the 18th Century is enough to make me swoon. So I decided to give it a go and write one myself. There’ll be two more parts after this :)

I also wanted to keep the reader description applicable to any and all women of colour, so it’s a bit vague just to ensure all of us (women of colour) can feel included. Please let me know if there any parts of this fic that don’t do this and I’ll fix it asap! 

If you’re white, this fic is not for you to identify with x

Also, if at any point you find my attempt at mimicking the language used in Bridgerton laughable... you are not the only one lmao. This has been super fun to write and also very challenging, but I am well aware it is farrrr from perfect :)

Nonetheless, I hope it’s a nice read for my WOC readers <3

Simon and Y/n first met when they were children. Her mother was very closely acquainted with Lady Danbury, so naturally, a friendship grew between the two of them- and a strong one at that. 

For years, their interactions had remained within confinements of what was socially acceptable. They bickered. They laughed. They shared inside jokes about the people within their social circle. Their feelings for each other never extended beyond what was befitting of a friendship. 

That was until they grew older.

When marriage and love became more and more ingrained into casual conversations, Simon and Y/n explored their feelings for one another. Questioned the extent to which they cared for each other and whether there was something more beneath the surface.

However, just as Y/n came to realise her love for Simon, he left for London. After a few short weeks, he returned with a new title. A new vow that the Hastings bloodline would end with him. Subsequently, with it, any hope Y/n had of her relationship with him becoming anything more than all it had always been: a friendship.

A year had passed since the sorrowful conversation resulting in Simon and Y/n agreeing to not indulge in the affections they shared. Since then, Y/n struggled to focus on securing a marriage proposal from one of the suitors in her town.

“This is your second season,” Y/n’s mother cried as she paced across the sitting room. Y/n sat in silence, having been interrupted from playing the piano by another one of her panicked outbursts. “Your second season and yet you continue to reject every marriage proposal you receive.”

She couldn’t blame her mother for being frustrated with her. As her only daughter, she needed to find a good match and be married off as soon as possible. Her father was of old age, but even he remained restless that Y/n be married. He much preferred the prospect of dying knowing that the estate would be inherited by Y/n’s husband instead of his nephew.

“I did not reject Mr Graham’s proposal, mama,” Y/n responded, unnervingly calmly considering how distraught her mother was. Mr Graham’s proposal was the latest one she had received that season. “I... simply asked for more time to consider my answer.”

“What on earth is there to consider?” Mrs Y/l/n shrieked. Her frustration only grew when her daughter was unable to answer her question. Y/n turned away from her mother. “He is a good man. He comes from a good, honourable family and will give you a good future- something you will not have if you continue to turn away suitors.”

“Mama, please.” Y/n could not say anything more, for fear that her mother’s anger toward her would only grow if she were to find out the truth. The real reason she could not yet bring herself to accept a marriage proposal.

“Why do you need time to consider, Y/n?” Her daughter had stood up from behind the piano and had her back turned to her mother. That did not stop her from continuing to pry. After so many rejected proposals, she felt she had a right to know why her daughter refused to marry. “I beg of you, tell me- what is there to consider?... What could possibly be keeping you from marrying Mr Graham.”

They stood in silence for a moment before Y/n sighed exasperatedly and turned back to face her mother.

“I do not love him,” Y/n replied in a hushed cry, only just loud enough for Mrs Y/l/n to hear from across the room. “He may be a good man, mama, but I... I do not love him, and I do not believe I ever could.”

She knew from their first encounter that she could never love him. Perhaps it was how he mispronounced her grandmother’s name or the way he possessed the same arrogance as every other suitor Y/n encountered. 

“My dear,” Mrs Y/l/n said, her voice and expression softening entirely. She reached out for her daughter’s hand and took hold of it gently. She knew precisely how Y/n felt, which meant that, unfortunately, she knew there was nothing to be done. “We have talked about this. Women like you and I... we do not have the luxury to make decisions based on our own feelings.”

Y/n was surrounded by women who did not share the same experiences she did. Women who could not empathise with the challenges she faced and being a woman in the 18th Century. Not even if they tried.

Therefore, whenever Y/n found herself hoping for the same things as the white women around her, she had to bring herself back to reality. She had to remember that if life was unkind to white women, it would always be hell for women like her, no matter who married into the royal family.

“I know,” Y/n answered. 

She did. She knew it was incredibly reckless of her to reject all of the proposals she had received. She knew she was naïve for basing her decision based on love. Yet, even so, she could not keep herself from holding out on the hope that she would not end up in a loveless marriage.

“I do not mean to upset you, Y/n,” Mrs Y/l/n said sincerely, as she guided her daughter to the nearest seat. “But I fear that if you continue on, you will have no more proposals to reject, and I... I simply cannot bear the thought... Please, dear, you must-”

Y/n began to close her eyes ready to brace herself for what she feared would inevitably happen- her mother insisting she accepts a proposal. However, just as she did, a maid knocked on the door and promptly brought in the newspaper. When Simon left for London, Y/n requested that any newspaper copy or mail sent to her from London be immediately handed to her. She looked forward to any kind of update on him.

“Thank you,” Y/n said to the maid as she handed her the newspaper. Without hesitation, she immediately turned to Lady Whistledown’s column.

“What does it say?” Her mother asked, giving up on her attempts at convincing Y/n to accept a marriage proposal, at least for the time being. 

Y/n’s blood ran cold as she read the column. She had expected to hear more about the bitter impression Simon was leaving in London. She was going to comment on how typical arrogant white elitists villainising anyone who did not approach them in a way that appeases their ego.

But that was not what she read.

Instead, she read about Simon showing a particular interest in the woman named the ‘Diamond of the Season’ by the Queen herself- Miss Daphne Bridgerton. She read about him courting her and spending a significant amount of time with her. She read about flowers, the expensive kind, and walks through Hyde park, and she was unsure whether to feel betrayed or feel furious.

It was one thing for Simon to begin courting another woman, after explaining to Y/n that he would never marry. It was another for her to have to learn all of this from reading the Lady Whistledown column. 

Without providing her mother with an answer as to what the column wrote, Y/n slammed the newspaper against the table beside her and stood up abruptly. 

Her mother went to reprimand Y/n for slamming the paper so violently against her favourite table. However, Y/n walked hastily into her bedroom. She began to plan what she was to pack when she would leave for London in the morning.

She was adamant on learning the truth in its entirety. And, this time, not from an anonymous publisher but from Simon himself.

***

Y/n had an aunt who lived in London with her husband and their three kids- all much younger than Y/n was. She knew that if she could get away with arriving in London unannounced with intent to stay for longer than a week, her only luck was with her aunt.

After she was escorted inside by one of the workers, Y/n stood and marvelled at her aunt’s husband’s estate. It looked nothing like the sitting room at her home. It looked fancier with much nicer things, leading her to think back to why her mother pushed so hard for her to marry. Mrs Y/l/n had helped her younger sister find a match, and now she lived in a beautiful home in London. 

Perhaps all she wanted was to ensure the same future for her only child.

“Y/n, my dear!” Her aunt came bursting through the doors with arms stretched out. She pulled Y/n into a tight embrace as she always did whenever greeting her niece. Before her three children, she had Y/n. “Oh, how I have missed you!”

“I have missed you too, Aunt Philippa,” Y/n smiled, gently clutching her aunt’s hand as she held her cheek. “Please forgive me for arriving here unannounced. I would have written to you in advanced, but I have an urgent matter to attend to.”

“Do not be silly, my dear,” Philippa laughed, before guiding her niece out of the sitting room and towards the staircase. “You are welcome to stay here for as long as you may need. Though I imagine your mother will be impatiently anticipating your return... how is my dear sister?”

“As restless as ever,” Y/n mumbled. Philippa’s laughter echoed across the halls. Just as she expected, her older sister had not changed. Not one bit. “She is adamant that I am engaged by the end of the season, which is part of the reason I needed to leave home so quickly.”

“I do not blame you, dear,” Philippa murmured. She knew from first-hand experience how relentless Y/n’s mother could be. Even so, she knew it was out of love. Y/n knew as well. “Now... what is the urgent matter you need to attend? I imagine you will need a chaperone... and perhaps a carriage?”

Y/n smiled in relief. Everything she had done leading up to her arrival in London was purely impulsive. She hadn’t even thought of how she would get to Simon or who she would have to escort and chaperone her. 

“You wouldn’t happen to know the whereabouts of... the Duke of Hastings?”

Philippa’s eyes grew twice in size. Whether it was shock or excitement, Y/n could not figure out. It wasn’t until her aunt pulled her into the nearest empty room, checked to see if anyone was listening in, and grinned at her that Y/n concluded it was the latter.

“When I read about the Duke and Miss Bridgerton, all I could think of was you,” Philippa began, speaking in a hushed tone, though unable to contain her excitement. She did not typically indulge in gossip, but she was entirely invested in staying updated to her niece and Simon. “You never did tell me what happened when he returned. Did you confess your feelings?”

Philippa had generously volunteered her afternoons so that her niece could practise what she would say to Simon. She hoped those afternoons had not been spent in vain.

“I did... And then he did too... Before telling me, he would never marry,” Y/n explained, trying to conceal the way her breath hitched and the way tears welled up in her eyes. “Though, after reading Lady Whistledown’s column, it is clear that perhaps he meant that he would never marry me.”

Philippa frowned and lifted her hand up again, holding the side of Y/n’s face and swiping the few tears she couldn’t stop from escaping. As she did so, Y/n inhaled sharply- trying desperately to keep herself from indulging in her sorrow.

“I am sure that is not the case, dearest,” Philippa insisted. 

She refused to believe Simon would do that to her niece. Not after the stories she had heard from Y/n as they grew up. Not to mention all the times she caught one staring at the other across ballrooms and dining tables. 

“We must hurry,” she chirped, dropping her hand so she could grasp her niece’s arm. “I believe the Duke will be in Hyde Park with Lady Danbury. ‘Tis best we leave now if we wish to catch them.”

Y/n smiled. Being with her aunt was a nice change of pace to being with her mother. She would have scolded Y/n had she caught wind of what had happened. 

***

Upon their arrival at Hyde Park, Philippa approached Lady Danbury. Her plan was to make conversation with her, find out more about Simon and Daphne’s relationship. Then, she would ultimately create a segue for Y/n to have a somewhat private conversation with Simon.

However, Y/n had other plans.

When they arrived, she scanned the park in search of Simon. Once she spotted him walking alone on the pavement, she threw caution and decorum to the wind. Before her Aunt Philippa could stop her, Y/n sprinted. 

Once she reached him, she grabbed his shoulder roughly, prompting him to turn around.

“Peach,” Simon whispered, dumbfounded by Y/n’s sudden appearance.

He stopped calling Y/n by her name when they were five. Instead, he called her Peach, for reasons that remained a mystery to Y/n. Despite not knowing the reasoning behind it, she always adored it. She was the only person he had a unique designated name for.

More recently, she wondered if Miss Bridgerton would soon become an exception.

“You owe me an explanation,” Y/n said harshly, not having the patience to beat around the bush. This was primarily because she wanted to know the truth and because she was out of breath from sprinting to Simon.  “Do I really mean so little to you, Simon?”

“Please lower your voice,” Simon begged, subtly grabbing Y/n’s arm and quickening their pace to avoid the crowded area of the park. 

“Do not speak to me as though I am a child,” Y/n growled, yanking her arm away from him and stepping back. 

“Then do not act like one,” Simon retorted.

Y/n scoffed, before dusting off her dress. Simon rolled his eyes to cover his nervousness. He had a habit of concealing it with aggression. Y/n was often able to see through it, but she was guilty of doing the same.

“What changed?” Y/n asked as she looked back at Simon. “You seemed so certain when you told me you would never marry. Now you have extended your stay in London to court Miss Bridgerton?”

“I wish I could give you an answer,” Simon responded honestly. It was perhaps the most honest statement he had made all month. 

His courtship of Daphne was a mere ruse to attract more suitors for her. Truth be told, Simon was incredibly stressed by it, but he was too deep into the lie to give up any time soon. He hadn’t anticipated Y/n would be caught in the middle of it.

“Well, what could be hindering you from doing so?” Y/n cried, confused by how vague and cryptic Simon was acting.

He struggles to find the right words. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Y/n any more than he already had, but he could not give her the answer she wanted. Although he was not actually courting Daphne, he still would not marry. Thus, he could not do what would make her happy, which was the main reason he kept his distance from her in the first place.

“Things are different now,” Simon said apologetically, hoping to deter Y/n from prying. Though he desperately wanted to say more, he knew that doing so was incredibly risky. “We... we are not children anymore.”

Y/n blinked, astonished by Simon’s reaction. It was far from what she had expected. She expected an explanation. She expected assurance. Instead, she has pushed aside as though she and her feelings were disposable. 

This was a familiar feeling to Y/n.

“Is that all you think of me?” She asked angrily. Simon, of all the people in her life, had the most power to hurt her. And he often did so without realising. “A child?... And our relationship? You think it is something as easy to put behind you as your childhood? Is that all this is to you, Simon?”

She went to speak again. To demand what she felt she had a right to. However, before she could get a word out, a woman appeared from behind her. She was fair-skinned and wore a dress that resembled her complexion. 

“Miss Bridgerton,” Simon gasped. He did not know whether to be grateful for her arrival or concerned about how it would affect Y/n. He eventually became both. “May I introduce you to Miss Y/l/n. She is a... very close family friend.”

Y/n had to keep herself from scoffing. She was more to him than just a friend. Y/n knew that well, despite Simon’s denial.

“I am terribly sorry,” Miss Bridgerton cried, averting her attention to Y/n. “I did not mean to intrude.”

“Not at all,” Y/n assured, smiling sincerely at Daphne. Her anger was entirely directed towards Simon. Unlike him, Daphne had no pre-existing history with Y/n to remain considerate of. “I actually must return to my aunt. It was lovely to finally meet you, Miss Bridgerton.”

Before Y/n turned to walk back to her Aunt Philippa, she glanced back at Simon, who was very clearly terrified of how calm Y/n was. He could only imagine the amount of anger she was harbouring. Deterring her would prove to be much more complicated than he expected.

“Your grace,” Y/n snarled through gritted teeth, before forcing a smile as she turned away.

***

It had been a week since Y/n and Simon’s interaction at Hyde Park.

Y/n sat beside her aunt Philippa in a carriage as she read through her mother’s letter. She had made vividly clear, through an eight-paged rant, that she was absolutely livid with her daughter. Y/n’s hands were trembling. 

“I assume she is quite upset?” Philippa asked, though she already knew the answer. 

Y/n had extended her stay to a week just so she could attend a gala at Lady Danbury’s estate. It was her last hope of catching a moment alone with Simon and gaining, at the very least, some form of closure. She hoped it would not come to that, but from their last interaction, Y/n was losing confidence.

“She is furious,” Y/n answered shortly, before folding the letter abruptly and placing it aside. Her mother wrote one demand that sent chills through her bones. “If I am not home within a week, she will come to London and take me back herself. Then, I will have to accept Mr Graham’s proposal.”

Philippa’s stomach dropped. She placed her hand atop her niece’s. Y/n looked down to conceal the tears that began to gather in her eyes. Philippa noticed and wrapped her arm around Y/n, gently squeezing her shoulder. 

“I am sure it will not come to that,” she whispered soothingly, though she struggled to sound sincere. Y/n nodded. She didn’t quite believe her aunt, but she knew there was no point in losing hope entirely. At least not yet.

Once they arrived at the gala, Philippa made conversation with a friend, whileY/n made way to Lady Danbury. The event was held in her courtyard. While others marvelled at her estate, Y/n felt a warm sense of nostalgia. When Lady Danbury brought Simon to her London estate during summers, she would often invite Y/n and her parents. While her parents and the Danburys made conversation in the house, Simon and Y/n would run about freely outside.

“Welcome back, Miss Y/l/n,” Lady Danbury smiled warmly, as Y/n and her aunt approached her.

“It is a pleasure to be here, my lady,” Y/n responded curtly, before laughing out loud as Lady Danbury pulled her into her arms for a tight hug. 

Once she let go, they made small talk. Lady Danbury asked Y/n how her parents were. Y/n asked Lady Danbury how she was and how her fruit orchards were. After they ran out of things to discuss, Y/n could not help but scan the room searching for Simon, who was nowhere to be found.

“I am not completely sure where he is,” Lady Danbury said, startling Y/n who had not realised how far from natural she was acting. “Though, he did complain about how suffocated he was by the throng here... I imagine he has gone to a place where it will be difficult for most to find him.”

Y/n thought for a moment. Lady Danbury was cryptic by nature, and after years of knowing her, she had a knack for figuring out what she meant. Once Y/n knew, she smiled at Lady Danbury, before excusing herself from the gala.

Y/n headed away from the gala and towards the maze area. It was well-lit, which she was grateful for as it meant she could navigate her way around swiftly. It felt like second-nature to her; running about in the Danbury’s London Estate. She forgot how much she enjoyed the thrill of running through and past the hedges.

Once she reached the maze’s centre, she saw Simon standing idle, his back towards where she stood. That was the place they spent most of their time. When they were younger, they would sit there and play games. As they got older, they would sit there and talk. Sometimes he would read while she drew. Sometimes vice versa. But most of the time, they spoke—about everything worth talking about, and then some.

“I remember the first time we played here together,” Y/n began, causing Simon to jump. Once he turned around and saw Y/n his tense posture softened, and a small smile appeared across his face. She felt relieved by it, though she didn’t want to let her guard down entirely. “I got lost, almost immediately, and you found me sitting here, cross-legged, in a puddle of tears. Do you remember?”

Simon chuckled. Of course, he thought. 

“You were inconsolable when I found you,” he mocked, prompting Y/n to reach out and lightly punch his shoulder. His laughter only grew.

“We were five,” Y/n reasoned. She would never admit that she was dramatic. Not even as a child. “I genuinely thought no one would ever find me... and then you did, within a matter of minutes.”

She joined him in laughing. It made for a very entertaining story that they retold relentlessly. While others were sick of hearing it, neither of them were sick of recounting it, for their own reasons.

“I told you I would never leave you behind,” he added, smiling as he thought back to that day. His smile faded quickly when he realised the irony. He frowned and took a step towards Y/n. “Peach, I must apologise-”

“-No... I am the one who must apologise,” she intervened. Simon stood back in confusion. Y/n sighed before clarifying herself. “I did not mean to blindside you so aggressively before. I did not come here to argue with you, Simon, I... I came to ask you if it is true... Are you courting Miss Bridgerton... with the intent of marrying?”

Simon winced. 

He felt conflicted by both his love for Y/n and the promise he made to Daphne to uphold their ruse. He could not in good faith outright admit that he was merely pretending to court Miss Bridgerton. However, he couldn’t bear the thought of breaking Y/n’s heart a second time.

His lips parted, but his mouth ran dry. Before Simon could keep himself from blurting out the wrong thing, he was overcome by a habit he developed over the last month of playing along.

“I am,” he answered.

Just as he did, he lifted his hand to his temple and scrunched his eyebrows. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Y/n. He was still haunted by the look on her face when he told her he would never marry.

“Right,” she sniffled, unsure how to react. Y/n had convinced herself that there was more to the story than what she had read from Lady Whistledown. She regretted how in-denial she allowed herself to become. 

One thing Y/n knew for sure, though, was that she did not want to be near Simon. Although she was on the verge of sobbing, she still turned around and intended to leave him, but Simon grabbed her arm and kept her from doing so.

“Please let me explain,” he begged.

Y/n’s tears halted as she glared at Simon, shocked. She shook her arm out of his grasp and took a step back from him. She had always despised the way men often treated women as though they were disposable and replaceable. She never expected Simon to be one.

“There is no explanation necessary,” she scoffed.

“Y/n, please, you do not understand,” Simon cried. It was rare for him to call her by her name, but Y/n dubbed it as him trying to manipulate her emotions. She would not let that happen. 

“No, of course, you would deceive me,” Y/n spat, unwilling to let Simon get a word in. She was tired of waiting around just to hear from him. This time, she would be the talking. He would be the one listening. “-about not wanting to marry or have children, and of course, I believed your ridiculous lie, like the fool I have always been for you.”

“Ridiculous?” Simon hissed. Y/n’s dismissal of his vow sparked a fit of anger that overcame him before he could realise it had done so. No one had ever called to question or criticised his decision to remain a bachelor for life. No one until Y/n.

“Perhaps not a ridiculous lie,” Y/n sneered. “No, it was more-so childish and nonsensical.”

“And yet, you believed it... What is that to say about you, Miss Y/l/n?” Simon scorned. Y/n flinched. Simon had only ever addressed her in such a way to either tease her or to emphasise his anger. It had been a long while since he had done so for the latter. “It was not a lie, Y/n, I... You could never understand the immense pressure I have been placed under my entire life-”

“- Pressure that significantly decreased with the death of your father,” Y/n argued. Simon acted as though he had a monopoly over her when it came to challenges in life. He could not have been more wrong. “I, on the other hand, am placed under severe pressure and will continue to be, long after my parents pass... That is one of the many things you will never understand.”

“That is not true,” Simon fired back, only for Y/n to continue speaking- this time, with a louder voice.

“We may be the same in one sense, but we are significantly different in another, because you, Simon, are still a man with a title.” Y/n and Simon both shared similar challenges as neither of them were white. However, where Simon inherited certain advantages for being a man, and a Duke, Y/n was only disparaged more. He often forgot that. “You, at the very least, still have the luxury of choice. To choose how you wish to fulfil your future, and whether or not that may include a wife or children.”

Simon lowered his eyes defeatedly. Though he was still angry, there was no denying the shame he felt. 

“I do not. Those choices were made for me the moment I was born a daughter and not a son. So do not act as though you are in a position to empathise with me,” Y/n said. “Especially when you have been the least bit empathetic after I came all the way here, just to confirm the truth about you and Miss Bridgerton.”

“I never told you to come to London,” Simon snapped.

“No, you did not,” Y/n retorted, with just as much, if not more, annoyance in her voice. “You did not tell me anything. I had to find out at the same moment as everyone else in England, as though we are strangers.”

Simon flinched as Y/n progressed from speaking loudly to outright shouting. He had always relied on having her sympathy and her support, even when he was in the wrong. Thankfully, they were far from the gala. However, Simon still feared someone had heard her reprimanding him.

“You claim you are different, now that you are a Duke, but you are the same as you have always been,” Y/n continued. She knew how he had always been. Better than anyone, let alone Miss Bridgerton, that was for sure. “You are still rigid and arrogant. You are still a coward who will never allow himself to feel any kind of joy. And you are still revolving your every decision in life around a man you claim to despise.”

“You do not know a thing,” he whispered, which only confirmed to Y/n that he was scared. He was intimidated. For as long as they had known one another, Y/n rarely confronted his relationship with his father.

“I have watched you go from living only to please him to living only to spite him, even if it means hurting the people who actually care for you,” she cried. She had no more anger within her. Not any more. She had only sadness. “Did it ever occur to you how much it hurt when you rejected me?”

“That was never my intention,” Simon said regretfully. 

It was the truth, though Simon had begun to realise that his wrath against his father blinded him from what he cared about more: her happiness. 

“Peach,” he whispered, inching towards Y/n as he lifted his hand and held the left side of her face. “Please, believe me, I never meant to hurt you.”

Their eyes locked for what felt like an eternity. It had been so long since they had shared a moment like that. An intimate moment shared between no one but them. Where Simon was not the stoic and emotionally detached Duke of Hastings. He was Simon. Dare she say, her Simon.

Despite that, Y/n was the first to turn away. She wanted to indulge. To take advantage of the opportunity to reconcile with him. To enjoy how vulnerable he was, after months of distance. 

But she couldn’t. 

Not when there were still questions burning in her mind. She could not rest until they were dealt with. After all, she was her mother’s child.

“Then what about Miss Bridgerton?” Y/n’s expression remained stagnant, but she could not keep hands from trembling. Simon winced at the mention of Daphne. “You... courting her after rejecting me... You cannot possibly tell me you did not intend to hurt me when you did that.”

Simon opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He had no response to what she had said because there was no justification for what he had done. All he could do was curse quietly to himself for taking so long to realise how foolish he had been.

“I had always expected this to happen,” Y/n began, sniffling as she tried to compose herself enough to explain herself. Simon remained quiet and decided he would until she finished. He figured he owed her as much. “I always knew I would be turned away for someone like Daphne Bridgerton.”

It had been the subject of many of her mother’s lessons. Before she was introduced to society, her mother made it a point to prepare her for rejection. To not hold out hope for any man, until a marriage proposal was made. 

Simon had been Y/n’s only exception to that rule. 

“It’s happened to me my whole life,” Y/n laughed bitterly, as she recalled all the times she had lost to a woman of fairer skin than her. All the times she wept to her Aunt Philippa and to Simon. “I always expected this would happen. But I never expected this would happen with you.”

Simon’s eyebrows furrowed as he watched Y/n struggle to stifle her cries in between her sentences. He had watched her sit in this sorrow many times, just as she had done for him, for this was a pain she shared. But this time was different. This time he was the one responsible. 

He didn’t know pain, so heart-wrenching, was possible. But watching her cry and knowing he could do nothing to fix it. That pain had never felt more real.

“I do not blame you, Simon,” Y/n whimpered, which only made him hurt more. He wanted her to be angry. To berate him some more. It was the least of what he deserved for causing her such sorrow. “She is the ‘Diamond of the Season’ after all, and... I am just me.”

Y/n hated the pity party she was throwing for herself, but she could not help what she felt. After a life of being classed second to white women, who could blame her for internalising this? 

He was dying to say something. To tell Y/n that she had it all wrong. He wanted to reveal that his courtship of Daphne was all a ruse. That he could never bring himself to entertain the idea of marrying anyone but her. But his fear of only making things worse left him paralysed. 

“You have made it abundantly clear that I was a fool forever waiting around for you,” she said to Simon. Unfortunately for him, she had taken his lack of response as confirmation that what she had concluded of the situation was accurate. “I will not make that mistake again.”

“Peach-”

“Goodbye, Simon,” Y/n blurted as she turned away hastily. 

Left in too much shock to reach out and stop her, Simon stood, dumbfounded, and watched as the woman he loved walked away from him and back to the gala. Looking back, he wished he had called out to her. Simon wished he had run after her. But he did not.

When Y/n reached the courtyard where the gala was being held, she couldn’t help the wave of disappointment that rushed over when she realised Simon let her go. This assured her that she was right to leave him, but it did not alleviate the pain in doing so. 

She made her way through the crowd and searched for her aunt. As she did, she felt her cheeks burn and her pace of breath quicken. She had gone through all the effort of coming to London just for what she feared most to be the reality. 

“There you are, my dear!”

Y/n turned around and saw her Aunt approaching her. Philippa smiled brightly as she walked towards her niece. However, when she realised that Y/n’s enthusiasm fell short of matching hers by a significant margin, her smile began to fade.

“Where is Simon?” She inquired, her voice lowered to not draw attention to their conversation. From Y/n expression, Philippa inferred that was the last thing she wanted.

Y/n’s lip quivered as she tried desperately to answer her aunt’s question. When she failed to do so, she hung her head- too embarrassed to face her aunt. Philippa frowned. A line appeared between her brows as she reached out to her distraught niece.

Though she was dying to know, the details of Simon and Y/n’s conversation were the least of her concerns. All she cared for was her niece and helping her in any way she needed. 

“I will call for our carriage,” she whispered, before guiding Y/n out of the courtyard. 

Once their carriage arrived, Philippa sat opposite her niece and watched worriedly as she refused to make eye contact, let alone speak.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Y/n took a long moment to respond. She stared at her gloved hands as she thought about what to do next. She regretted all the proposals she had turned down, and all the ways she put her life on hold for Simon. She felt ashamed that she had allowed herself to be in the situation she was in. 

Then she realised the only thing she could do to fix it.

“May you organise a carriage to take me home tomorrow?” Y/n asked. Her aunt’s eyes widened. Returning home to face her mother was the last thing Philippa expected Y/n to want to do. 

She watched her niece closely, trying to figure out what her plan moving forward was. Y/n finally looked up and met her aunt’s gaze. To Philippa’s surprise, her niece had a prominent sense of confidence in her expression. 

“Why, my dear?” Philippa quizzed, her eyebrows still knitted in confusion as well as fear. The way her niece was suddenly overcome with confidence after being on the verge of tears was concerning. She couldn’t imagine it would lead to anything good.

Y/n inhaled sharply, pursing her lips as she did so. She knew her aunt would disagree with what she planned to do. But she also knew that, given the circumstance, Philippa would reluctantly do as she asked. Before she answered, Y/n momentarily glanced down at her hands and turned back to her aunt.

“I have a proposal to accept.”

NEXT PART

#simon basset x reader #simon basset imagine #duke hastings x reader #bridgerton x reader #bridgerton imagine #duke hastings #bridgerton #simon basset

[13reasonswhynot]

Montgomery De La Cruz Imagine

[ I do not support any actions this character has done in the series. If you are a victim of sexual assault, abuse, harassment, or rape- please refer to this hotline if you truly need help. (1-800-656-4673) You are not alone and it is not your fault. ]

Warnings: Alcoholism, Abuse, Cursing, Smut. This will revolve around season 3 episode 5, where Ani and Clay follow Monty to his house to see what the reasoning was behind his rage.

Character Count: 8.8k

It was a ordinary Friday night. Well, as ordinary as it could get. Everything seemed to have been a mess lately especially after Bryce being discovered dead circulated around the school. You didn’t really care much, I mean who would? He was an awful person, but that didn’t mean Monty handled it well.

Your parents were off for a business trip. They were always traveling for work, which didn’t seem to bother you after a substantial amount of time passed. Gilmore Girls was playing on the television of your room while studying for the upcoming finals. It was the one thing you and Montgomery didn’t have in common, he preferred sports and in opposition you preferred reading. I guess you could say he always liked the “innocent” type.

You were busy with your head buried in your book until your cell rang. You groaned and reached for the remote so you could have silence to pick up the phone. You glanced at your phone to see Monty💝 displayed on the screen. “Hey, everything okay?” You said, holding your phone between your ear and shoulder. “Yeah- Are you able to pick me up. Fucking piece of shit is causing me trouble again.” He replied with the sounds of hitting in the background. “Okay okay, I’ll be over in 5. Be safe baby, I love you.” You said worriedly, knowing already what you were getting yourself into.

There wasn’t any question to the fact you were putting yourself into a lot of danger, but love goes a long way doesn’t it? As you promised, it did only take you 5 minutes to arrive at his house. Yet, you couldn’t help but notice the two similar figures hiding behind Clay Jensen’s car. You decided it wasn’t a big deal, and that your boyfriend was more important. “Jesus Christ Monty.” You exclaimed, sprinting to pull him into a hug. You were both more than aware he was at a lot of risk as well, I mean he has to live with the bastard.

Moments like this weren’t something everybody knew about. Which is why you couldn’t help but notice the two familiar figures. “Is it just me or is there someone watching us behind the car?” You queried, shifting so that you were slightly behind him, still holding onto his arm. He squinted his eyes to get a better look, only to realize you were right. There was someone watching you. Clay and Ani.

“What the fuck?” He spat, releasing your grip on his arm. “Get in the car Y/N. And don’t come out.” He said quickly, holding a bloody baton in his hand for self defense. “Is that blood?” Clay asked, slightly frightened. “Yeah. My father’s and mine. Want a taste?” He replied, obviously aggravated. “So, you didn’t kill Bryce?” Clay quickly responded, glancing at Ani in the process. “What the fuck man. He was my best friend. Get the fuck outta here.” He said, clear hurt and aggravation in his voice.

You heard his feet come shuffling towards the car. One thing you guys promised on was Monty always drove, no matter the circumstances, obviously if he was wasted that would be another story. “Sorry. Assholes like Jensen are really starting to fucking piss me off.” He said as he seated himself in the drivers seat.

The drive home was pretty silent. It usually was on nights like this. Monty never released his anger out on you- not physically. So it wasn’t that, but in situations like this no one really wants to talk about it, especially Montgomery Cruz. As you drove nearer to your place, you felt his hand rest on your thigh. You felt his thumb soothingly rub your thigh as the car stopped in your driveway. “Listen. I’m sorry you got dragged into this shitshow. It was never my intention.” He said, running his fingers through his hair. “Stop apologizing. Your life is my life too. Now c’mon. We have the whole house to ourselves. And you’re going to stay with me, my parents won’t be back for another month.”

He hooked his arm around your shoulder as you both walked into your house. It was almost 2 am. Needless to say, you were exhausted and you were almost positive your boyfriend was too. “I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.” You said, yawning in the process. “Yeah, me too.” He agreed, kissing your forehead, causing you to smile. Montgomery was a great guy, beneath the many and many outer shells.

Your bed was thankfully big, leaving a huge amount of room for two people. You removed your shirt and slipped off your shorts. “God, everything about you is beautiful.” He groaned, pulling you in by the waist. “Oh yeah?” You replied, leaning into a kiss. You took steps forward causing him to take steps back. He fell onto the bed, taking you down with him. You felt him smirk into the kiss.

As the kiss began to become more heated, your hips started to grind against him. His hands traveled down to your ass, gently squeezing it to gain a reaction out of you. You gasped into the kiss, giving him access to slide his tongue in your mouth. Your tongues fought for dominance, which you gladly submitted to him. As the make-out session progressed, you both grew more hungry for each other. His hand slid down to your panties, slightly adding pressure. “Your underwear is drenched.” He said, grinning against your lips.

Your stomach twisted and turned just at his words. He always had a way to give you butterflies, and he sure as hell knew it too. “Shut up and fuck me.” You whispered into his ear, trying your best to compose yourself. You felt his pants become tighter under you, only turning you on more. “Whatever you say.” He gently shifted you lower onto his legs to allow him to take off his clothes. You patiently watched as he removed his clothing, slowly rubbing yourself in the process. “Get your sexy ass over here.” He said with his signature smirk.

He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you back onto his lap. He reached to the bedside for the knife. You kept it at your bedside god forbid you ever ran into a situation. He carefully cut both strings of the thong, then proceeding to slide it under you to remove it. You sighed, feeling the thin fabric run against your folds. “Remove your bra. I wanna see your tits bounce when you’re bouncing on my dick.” You were quick to obey and unclasp your bra. He loved the way your breasts filled your bra perfectly, they had to his favorite part of your body.

You placed your hands on his chest to stabilize yourself. You took him into your hand and slowly slid onto his dick. You slowly threw your head back, allowing yourself to adjust to his length. “Take your time babe.” All you could do was nod in agreement, somewhat forgetting that you were both home alone. You soon adjusted, giving him a mhm to let him know you were about to move. His hands traveled to your waist, ready to help guide you on his cock. You steadily started moving up and down on him, earning grunts and moans from the both of you.

No matter how many times the either of you had sex. There were gentle times, and there were rough times. Despite the difference between the paces, every time always managed to be even better than the next.

The only sounds to fill the room were the sounds of the both of you and skin slapping. Considering no one was home, you both didn’t hold back. As you felt yourself getting tired, he started to pick up the work. He gripped onto your hips tightly and started to work you up and down onto him.

The one and only familiar knot started to form in your stomach. “Fuck Mont. I’m about to cum.” You screamed, about to break any minute. “Let go princess. Let go all fucking over me. I got you.” That was the only thing you needed to hear. You felt yourself explode all over him. You cried out as you came undone on top of him. Your hands gripped onto his shoulders as he continued to ride out your high. He loved the way your face scrunched. The way you made him feel. The way he made you felt.

You slid off him, whining at the emptiness. You knew he was close, but you just had to finish him off. You shifted to the side of the bed and bent your head down to be level with his still hard dick. You connected your mouth to his cock and took all of him into your mouth. The way you took him all in turned him on more than he could ever put into words. It didn’t take long to help him reach his high. You felt his cum shoot into your mouth, and you gladly swallowed.

You got up and rested his head onto his chest. By this time, you were both exhausted. At least you were. He never really was the type for affection. He wanted to protect you as you were one of the only people he cared about. But, he still wasn’t the one for affection. Sometimes he caved, but then again this was very rarely. This time, he was way too tired to even put up an argument. His hand reached to your back, rubbing up and down. “No matter what happens you know I’ll always be here for you right?” You said, half asleep. “Oh, I know. You can just never get enough of me.” He joked, soon falling asleep with you in his arms.

Hope this was enjoyable. Again, I do not condone his actions throughout the show. They were disgusting and inexcusable at all costs. He could have had a better storyline- but it seems as if the writers did everyone dirty.

#13 reasons why #13 reasons imagine #13 reasons why imagine #montgomery #montgomery de la cruz #montgomerydelacruzimagine #smut #13 reasons why smut

[saintobio]

i am usually VERY PICKY with how a story is thought of, and written. i usually never get attached to fanfictions either and yet... when i say this... i say this with a FULL CHEST MIGHT AS WELL ADD MY ENTIRE BEING AND SOUL WITH IT TOO BECAUSE that is how much i absolutely love your Sincerely Not series! congratulations for finishing season 1 that was seriously wow... rendered me speechless. you are seriously the BEST i love your works so much! cannot wait to see what else you got in store for szn 2! and those last two chapters? at this rate y/n won't be the only needing a heart surgery ashfisa once again thank you so much for this masterpiece! stay safe and healthy! please take that well-deserved break to the fullest! <3

Anonymous said

as a writer, your setup of their character development and the exposition of it all was sooo effective! like giving gojo’s pov attention throughout the last few chapters makes you feel bad for him despite his previous behavior, and even though the wedding is seen as a good thing for y/n’s fresh start, i feel people can’t help but be sympathetic towards and even feel really bad for gojo. plus starting out with toji’s really warm and inviting introduction then revealing him as y/n’s husband-to-be makes her marriage to him seem really naturally, and it makes the audience more receptive to the development rather than hating an unfamiliar groom. ughhh everything about the narrative and build up is just so well thought out and planned really well and executed so excellently. massive kudos.

Anonymous said

Nothing in this world could describe how much pain I felt during the airing of this series. Every word, every sentence, and every paragraph is a masterpiece of its own. Saint, thank you so much for sharing such beautiful writing on this site for free. I remembered months ago that i binge read your oikawa street racer au to remember, forever to love, always and my pillow knows how much i screamed when I saw you posting a new series which is sincerely not. And God, wow. I just love how much emotion you made me feel while reading. Thank you for giving me—us the privilege to see you as a writer and your writing style improve and grow. I don’t know if you can read this with all the asks sent into your inbox but I hope you will continue to live a happy and healthy life ahead of you. Once again, thank you so much for writing and simply existing! I am so looking forward to your next works if you have any plans on publishing it ❤️

Anonymous said

Saint, Sincerely not is a masterpiece. No, actually that’s an understatement, because it’s so much more than that. Thank you so, so, SO much for all these amazing chapters and all the work you put into it. And thank you for not sticking to a happy end, because that‘s sadly not how our world works. Yes, it‘s so fucking painful; i can‘t even cry rn because i‘m currently on a train (i don‘t know why on earth i thought that reading the final chapter here was a good idea but anyways), but life‘s not a fairytail and many things happened between Gojou and Y/N that cannot be easily forgotten nor forgiven. Everything that happened was just… perfect. Yes, it was painful, it was heart-wrenching, but it was painfully beautiful. I haven’t been this invested in a story for a very long time, but man it is absolutely perfect and i want to thank you for that. I am heartbroken and i definitely need a good cry when i come home lol, but i can‘t wait what you have in store for season 2. Please take your well deserved rest and take care.

Anonymous said

Ahhhhh i was balling my eyes out through 90% of this chapter!! You have done a phenomenal job, thank you so much for writing sincerely not!! I’ve never been so invested in anything as much as I am with this. You are amazing, so please please please take some time for you and take a well deserved break and treat yourself maybe 😉💙

Anonymous said

HI SAINT!! I JUST WANTED TO TELL U THAT I'VE BEEN HERE FOR A LIL WHILE NOW AND I LOVE SN SMM<33 AND IM VERY GLAD U CONTINUED WRITING!I LOVED THE NEW CHAPTER AND AM SO EXCITED FOR THE REST OMGKCJS<33 - cupid anon (also pls take care of urself:))

@el13 said

I just can't tell you how much I love your work! I've been reading fanfiction for a few years now, but I didn't get that invested into it for a long while, as I did with yours. And with that I don't mean only 'sincerely not', but also your other series and one shots. I hope you can rest well and continue enjoying writing 🌻💕

@0003joker said

Yo…this finale chapter🥲…I’ve been reading sad stuff lately, I be getting myself depressed, why am I doing this to myself!!!😀🥲 But it’s okay because the sad things I’ve read are amazingly good, and this story Saint, SN, is amazingly good.😌 Get that rest in, those sleep in days, those eating good food days, get that enjoyment in because you deserve it.💛

@bakugousmrs said

Okay I just wanna say I LOVE YOU AND I'LL GIVE MY LIFE TO YOU for this MAGNIFICENT PIECE!!😭 Remember that Saint!! I love how you write this and making me feel every emotions acquainted with this Gorgeous Fic!! AAHHHHH!! I FEEL SO DEAD BUT ALIVE IDK ANYMORE!!!! The hiding-the-son part to Y/N and Toji were the fucking end game!!! gave me heart attacks!! You really went "THIS WORLD SHALL KNOW PAIN!" on us!!😭😭 I fucking love this! I just wish things would go better for the both of them!! I wanna see some BABY MUNCHKIN fluffy scenes pleasee!! Goshdarn it!! WAHHHH!! I WANNA GO TO WAR!! I FEEL SO HURT AND HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME 'CAUSE YESS!!! THIS SHOULD BE WITH SHAKESPEARE'S PIECE LEVEL OF APPRECIATION!! 😭😭😭 I don't think Y/N would really marry Toji 'cause I can't see their relationship like that, and what happened to the ballerina chick huh? Why? Huhuhuhu

And you are always welcome we literally love you on all ways possible. We appreciate your hardwork, time EVERYTHING and we will always be here for you!! This is one of the best thing I have for my entire life, meeting you was a wonderful, yet disasterous at the same time 'coz you make crazyyy! I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU! Take care of yourself 'cause we can't do that when some of us are on the other side of the world 🌎! I love you!!

@kazbrkker said

Saint you absolutely outdid yourself with Sincerely Not. It has been such a ride and I’m so damn happy that you can finally get some well deserved rest. Love you! 🖤

Anonymous said

sincerely not is one of the best fanfics i’ve read of all time and i have not cried as much or contemplated the events this heavily afterwards when reading any other fic and because of that i am immensely terrified for the sequel…that is all

@gojo-catoru said

You a legend for this one Saint. This was so bloody brilliant. I can’t even find the words or will to formulate how fucking show-stopping this one line was. ”But he hoped to every saint that he wouldn’t lose that part of him that loved you.” You have successfully and indefinitely raised the standards of both real like and fictional men/women for me. Now I’ll be single forever.

Saint, I can’t thank you enough for this amazing series you’ve so painstakingly write for us. I am one of those readers who stayed up late on update days to read the new chapter and then maybe catch some Zzzs (but I am a regular insomniac so no worries there). And each update was TOTALLY worth the hype and wait. I know firsthand that it’s not AT ALL easy to write such a complex and nuanced story, especially when it’s a weekly affair and 10k+ words, but you’ve done extraordinarily well and took us on a magical adventure for the past few months.

On a more personal note, thank you for giving me something to look forward to each week and letting me be a small part of an amazing fandom you have. I loved going through all the gallery pictures, the asks and the character interviews. It’s all the extra tidbits like these that sets fanfiction apart, in a league of its own as compared to novels and other books. I’ve never read an ongoing series before this one because I can’t handle the wait and suspense, but Sincerely Not kinda cured that and has made me more patient and open-minded as a person. I’ve never really interacted with an author so frequently on Tumblr as well, so I guess that’s a lot of firsts for me, as far as SN and your blog goes. You are a revelation and don’t ever let anyone/anything make you feel less than that.

Now coming to the chapter and the overall story. I WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN MY BED, whisper-screaming when you revealed the wedding was Toji x y/n’s. I looked like a fucking mad woman here and I’m not even mad about it. MRS.ZENIN ERA, HERE WE COME. Long deserved. Legend has it, if one (Y/N) has been miserable enough for months, thou shalt be rewarded with divine Toji d**k. I know it’s not going to happen that easily (especially with those plot twists you’ve thrown in there) but we are here for the ride (pardon the pun, just a thirsty hoe here). Megumi as an older brother melts my heart. I can’t wait for a slice of some domestic and (hopefully) drama-free Zenin estate life.

Coming to the Satoru part, I can’t even imagine how painful it would have been for Y/n to raise a carbon copy of his dada. Like dayum, Saint you really have it out for our girl here xD. And ofc Gojo got into a bloody accident, hell o would be reeling too if I just found out I’ve been mourning a death of a child whose be secretly alive for 3 YEARS. It must be painful to see your rival get the woman of your dreams and your biological child in his arms. The angst in this chapter is more on the interpretation end and I LOVE IT. I’m figuring this is where the whole memory loss thingy you’ve mentioned earlier is going to come into effect. Can’t wait to see that arc. Holy shit, I just realized we’re gonna get some version of a bandaged Gojo. That man has really gone through it but I’m so glad you gave him a therapist. Poor thing needs it now more than ever. Oh dear, I sure hope Y/N is faring well now, she does have PTSD right? I hope she’s getting therapy as well.

The most poignant part to me was the return of the rings, cuz I’ve noticed it’s part of your SN header (with the papers and all). It’s been so symbolic throughout the series. Like as if it was some emblem of love and commitment. Was it intentional or just amazing story-telling? Please let us know later. I hope you’ll take a nice long and well-earned rest since you’ve finally finished SN (*you’re free!* in a Dobby voice) and you take out the time to treat yourself well, indulge in a few pastimes you were previously unable to participate in and above all feel as amazing as you make us readers feel. I’ve probably already said this before, but I do sincerely hope that you’re getting as much as joy and fulfillment as you give the readers of your work. You truly deserve it Saint. Cheers! Until next time, then. ♥️

Anonymous said

I'm literally crying but I just wanted to tell you that I really loved this story and that you're an amazing writer, it was all so bittersweet yet so beautiful, I wish you all the best and remember to always take care of yourself! (I hope there are no mistakes lol I can't see through tears)

Anonymous said

UGH I LOVE YOU I LOVE THIS ENDING SO MUCH the depth of the characters was BEAUTIFUL your talent is absolutely out of this world my GOD.

i have to say, i’m very glad they didn’t end up together. i think gojo got what he deserved, it was too little too late, and i hope yn finds happiness in toji (endgame fr 😮‍💨).

personal opinions aside ofc, gojo’s story is literally devastating but incredibly written. the development is literally BEAUTIFUL (my own prejudice to his actions overshadows everything i’m so sorry saint 😭 but i still acknowledge his pain and love his excellently written development).

so happy to see this devastating story end so beautifully. the ending you wrote came full circle and i for one am incredibly happy with it (megumi being a big brother 🥺🥺🥺).

so proud of you for working through so much throughout this entire writing process, don’t pressure yourself for the sequel and take as many breaks as you need. much love 💕

Anonymous said

Congrats on finishing sn!👏👏👏👏

All these chapters, the words. What a feat! And you're still going strong with a sequel! You work so hard😭 take a long and deserved break and come back whenever you feel like it.

Anonymous said

saint, thank you for sincerely not.

it will go down as possibly my favourite fanfic of all time.

thanks for putting your time and energy into making the story and i’m so glad you’re gonna continue writing on this platform.

you’re too good at writing. really. it’s unmatched.

i used to have problems with writing angst and ever since i discovered your account, angst is somehow all that i’ve been writing. so thanks for that too:)

congratulations on finishing the series, i cant wait for SN2 and i’m so proud of you

(also if gojohime actually happens in SN2 i will lose my mind)

Anonymous said

First of all

Saint. Thank you SO MUCH for making my nights so special waiting for an update and reading this masterpiece. Because of you and your work I met new people in your discord server and I learnt better grammar and new words which helped me getting my English certificate so again a huge thanks for all of this.

Your talent in writing is sooo good, I hope one day you decide to write a book cause I will definitely read it… Also if you decide to stop writing fics (of course I will support you in any decisions) and I wanna say that I will miss you and your writing so much..

Sincerely not has made me go through so many emotions like nothing else.. the writing style, the plot, the way you describe characters it’s just amazing…

I have a feeling that SN2 will be more heartbreaking but I’m ready for it haha..

And the Toji x MC (I loved it since I’m a certified Toji simp) but it hurt.

Hope Satoru will be okay and gets to meet his child properly one day my dude suffered enough (can’t believe im saying it omg)

Anyway thank you again Saint for everything you have done to provide us with such a masterpiece, take all the time you need to write SN2 no one is pressuring you and see you in SN2 I guess.

Take care of yourself

@girlruby23 said

Saint i know you said itll be a happy ending and i trust you but what really do you mean by happy ending bcz its a gojo x yn fic and im dying for them to end up together 😭😭

Please saint have mercy 😟😟

And Congratulations on completing the 1st season we saw you go through so much to complete it and trust me you outdid yourself, it was a rollercoaster ride and one of the highlights of my year. Thanks❤️

Anonymous said

can i just day that my bday is gonna be on this sunday so that finale was a great bday gift so thank you cuz u just made my whole week. YOU'RE WRITING IS SO GOOD OMG THAT CHAPTER MADE ME UGLY CRY AND JUST WTF AAAJAHSHHSHEHSHSH I HOPE ALL THE GODS BLESS U FOR UR WORK SAINT ILYSMMM

@asdfghjkl7things said

Omg.. Omg.. Gojo stay with us pleasee 😭 I was reading your latest chapter while I’m at work and I can feel my eyes getting wet.. I just can’t.. 😭😭

Please have a good rest too since you finished SN, you really deserved it! The story is too good that I cannot wait to read SN 2! 🥰🥰🤯

I don’t want to leave a long ass message but Thank you for this story, Saint ❤️❤️

@chicsailorscout said

Amazing finale I’m so shook and tearing up! 😭🤯👏🏾 you’re such an amazing writer! I look forward to the sequel 😎 ❤️

When Y/N dropped the flowers (I’m just thinking aloud here 😅) I betting that she either fainted from anxiety/stress and/or her heart condition came back 🤔 😭

@wobblewobble822 said

Aghhh! As always amazing and very heartbreaking 😩

Crossing fingers that Gojo survives and also (don’t hate me) postpone the wedding with Toji cause we get cold feet after seeing Gojo.

Also yes! Baby Gojo lives! 😩🥰❤️❤️

@sanzudopeamine said

Dear Saint,

Thank you so much for all the hard work that you put in writing Sincerely Not. It had been one hell of a journey reading this beautiful creation of yours. I really enjoyed each and every chapter from start to finish and still looking forward to the sequel. (Though I'm not sure if it's still happening after reading your note on the last chapter).

Anyways, whatever you decide to do, I hope you always keep safe, happy and healthy. ❤️

Anonymous said

Brilliant job as always Saint! While my heart has broken millions of times reading your fics, this one particularly is the first to once get me hooked! I’ve read many good angsty stories from many fandoms, but just how you’ve fluidly shown all the cards of each character and just how human they are (regardless of their mistakes/emotions/etc *not excusing any infidelity/crimes/etc*) and the attention to every scene makes me feel I’m running alongside them in this journey (despite us being the MC). This is one of the first stories I’d be happy with either ending (besides wanting some reconciliation from y/n and Satoru)! Continue your great work (while I wipe my tears) 😀🥰✨✌🏼

@fanficbrainrots said

hi saint! first of all, amazing chapter. the build up, the tension is like... WOW! tbh, i can't describe the emotions i currently feel after reading. i just wanted to address and applaud your magnificent writing first and foremost, since it's something that i've always wanted to say. i've never felt so emotionally captivated by a person's writing until i've stumbled on your page. (hold on i have a pt 2 of this. i didn't know that ask boxes have character limits pls, i'm not tryna spam you)

secondly, MIWA?! i love miwa soo so much. i feel like she represents a lot of us readers who see the good side in gojo. of course, the public and y/n's family will look at him in a different light, since they see gojo through another perspective, but i feel like miwa is the closest person to know both sides of the story (or at least, gojo's character.) (UGH how do people submit longer asks? pls help, it's limiting me again. saint i swear, i'm not trying to spam you. anyways this is pt 2, ig)

someone who witnesses gojo's character growth as a man who did not love his wife to ordering gifts for her and actually see his love grow for y/n over time. i'm not sure if her characterization representing us in a way is intentional, but i'm so glad that she did. again, phenomenal writing saint, you are truly an inspiration for many writers, especially me. (SAINT I'M SORRY, I HAVE ONE MORE POST AFTER THIS. (this is pt 3, i think??) idk, someone pls help me extend my ask limit)

i'm so happy to have had 'sincerely not' coincidentally pop up on the recent 'gojo x reader' tag back in july, because if i haven't read any of your stories, i don't think i would've had the courage to dive into fanfiction writing.i can't wait for the finale of sn and s2! (ok this is embarrassing but i'm done. sorry if it seemed like it was spam, but clearly idk how tumblr works! i just had a lot to say about my appreciation towards you :) )

i can’t thank u guys enough !!! i wish i could respond individually but i don’t wanna spam the dash so i’m compiling them. i sincerely appreciate every feedback/message i received from all of u 🥺 thank u sm for supporting sn and for giving this series a chance to grow like this. it’s a joy for me to see how many people have been/are invested in this fic. i’ll work harder for season 2 <33

#saintobio.asks #series: sincerely not

[lambourngb]

day 7 : cheerleaders, or the people who make this fandom thing fun

day 7 for @roswellnewmexicocreate - and this is the hardest day ! ❤️

My recent obsession is Ted Lasso, which thank you tumblr, so when I think about why I’m still involved in fandom, it boils down to the speech in 1x10 (that I recycled in a fic I love it so much)  there’s something worse than being sad, it’s being sad and alone.

2020 was a very bad year, and um, 2021 is actually fundamentally worse for me in so many ways, but I’m still here, still loving on this alien show. There are so many people that have helped me along, and I know I will miss someone, my anxiety almost guarantees I never feel like I’ve thanked enough people or supported those in my life adequately.

Anyway, here’s some people who keep me around or keep it fun for me, my village where I’m the idiot:

In no particular order:

@haloud - I cry in your DMs, like literally cry, so thank you for never turning me away. You’ve inspired so many stories, and I’m learning from you all the time when it comes to writing, when it comes to being a fan, and most importantly when it comes to being a friend. Anyway, I love you so much. All I can do to repay you is write endless Michael-on-his-knees stories for you, since those feels come from your work- along with Alex loving sweet coffee but torturing himself with black coffee.

@adiwriting & @litwitlady - you’re a package deal in my head, both of you are endlessly creative and always with a good insight on the show. ❤️ The fic output you guys have constantly amazes me with both pace and quality. I treasure our many conversations, and the way you both generously support me. 

@tasyfa - my wild writing sprees and comma abuses haven’t scared you off yet, so I’m endlessly grateful for that. Thank you for indulging my war with the past perfect, and looking forward to another year of sending you my crap so you can spin it into gold.

@arielana - I don’t know where to begin, first of all, thank you for hitting up my DMs that first time. You’ve been a wonderful cheerleader - always knowing the right amount of prompting to use on me, and then such a lovely feedbacker, but I think my favorite role you’ve taken on is author- thank you so much for sharing your writing with us, I can’t wait for whatever you write next. You’ve also made season 3 so much fun with your wry observations.

@bisexualalienblast - Amanda, I was just a star-struck fan of yours when we were matched for the RNM Big Bang, and now I’m still star-struck, so that hasn’t changed, but I love trading DMs with you about the show. Thank you for yelling about all things Malex, Michael, and Vlamis with me and producing some amazing gif-sets.

@manesframe - oh man, where to begin, I don’t know if you know but the encouragement you gave me in my ask box last fall while I was writing my big bang helped fuel me along. Secrecy meant I couldn’t share any of the writing, but just seeing a message expressing excitement was so amazing. Thank you for being such a great friend, and I look forward to picking your brain on my future put-Michael-in-therapy fic.

@christchex - you’ve been a real lifeline last year. I am always learning from you, you help me see new perspectives, balancing the Doylist with the Watsonian look at the show. Thank you for giving us Sharkey and Walt Sanders, and also for not yelling at me too much for my endlessly sad head canons. 💖

@faraway-stables12  - Forget the malex stuff, I had so much fun watching the Euro cup knowing we were going to discuss it later. But also, you’re a rockstar in your support of creators and feedback, thank you for being a part of this fandom with me.

@finckyoufreeky - I don’t know how many times you’ve picked up my spirits, they’ve been too many to count. The last forever-long pandemic year it has been hard, I’ve enjoyed our conversations from US politics to what’s happening in your country and I still am sending you so many positive thoughts after hearing what you went through personally. Your tags always make me smile.

@foggyfestival - I love your dash, how fiercely you love Malex, how generous you are with reblogging and boosting creations on tumblr, thank you for your efforts at creative a positive fan space, they are truly appreciated.

@soberqueerinthewild - girl, not sure where I’d be without you, but probably in a worse off place. Thank you so much for sharing your life events with me, filling my DMs with your questions about Deep Sky and plots, and I adore reading all your tags, they are spot on. And as soon as 911 /LS 911 restarts, I can’t wait to livewatch with you ❤️

@el-gilliath : babe, what more can I say? You’re a blast of good reason and salt and endless support. One day when travel happens again, I really want to get a drink with you, but for now let me love you from afar - because you are too cool of a person to be my friend.

and now here’s where my anxiety takes over because I know I’ve left off tons of people, both from discord, tumblr, and AO3 - and I’ve probably hurt your feelings because I didn’t name you, so I’m so sorry. Validation is important. It matters. I do write for others, I write to share it and so I can see everyone’s reactions, and if you’ve left a comment, kudo, reblog or just sent an ask, you’ve helped me continue to create in the last year, so thank you. ❤️

[I wrote this on a painkiller and way too much coffee, so forgive my overly emotional and lengthly entry on this day.]

#rnmcreate21 #day 7 cheerleaders #i love everyone in this bar #fandom love

[melodyalanaroster]

Dear @chinomiko,

When I first started playing My Candy Love on New Year’s Day in 2013, I was simply a 17 year old girl who was starting the second half of my Senior Year in High School. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I certainly had no idea where I’d end up. At the time, I was just looking for a new anime style site to call my internet home after the destruction of TinierMe. In my search, I stumbled upon your site. I had never played a dating simulator before, and I fell for your art style, so I decided to give the site a shot. It didn’t take me long to bond with Nathaniel... He was a kind young man, who loved to read, and had a tortured home life... Even though the torture at home was different between him and me, I still felt like I had found a character I could recognize... Hell, I did the same thing with Ken... My bond with Nathaniel was just so much deeper... 

Then I graduated High School... I had no college prospects, and no idea what I even wanted to go to college for (still entirely don’t know).... My issues at home were getting worse, my love life was far from perfect, and living in Texas can be kind of ruthless on those who aren’t following the status quo... Even with going to the United Kingdom for 5 weeks, things still didn’t get better... And of course, the death of my childhood cat, Luna, in 2014 made things worse... So, I started focusing my free time on the game.... Working like crazy to get up to date with the episodes and bonus episodes, editing pics, and even writing fanfics... It became my escape from real life.

That did not change when I met the love of my real life in 2015. Despite entering into a relationship that is still going strong, I needed an escape from the hell my abuser was putting my family and me through, from the shitty job that I had gotten (and still have as of this letter), and from the hell that a really rare disease that had kicked on in my mother’s immune system had begun to put her and my family through. No amount of talking to people in my inner circle in real life helped... And there were times where it felt like the only emotions I knew were anger, sadness, and fear... It was during this time that my main MCL OC, Melody Alana Roster, came to life as what she is today... A strong, smart, beautiful, powerful, woman who goes through some of the worst hell imaginable and ends up living a life of peace with the man she loves (Nathaniel).... When my abuser’s time in my family’s and my life was ending and she was going “all out” on me? I thought of what Alana and Nathaniel would be doing during the newest episode of the game. My job putting me through mental and physical hell (it’s a very demanding job)? I daydreamed about Nathaniel and Alana. My mother’s disease progressing and making my mother put my grandmother and me through hell? I would go in my room and write a section of my story or edit a pic when I could. Hell, My Candy Love became so prominent in my life as an escape that when my abuser’s daughter came back at me (this time with my boyfriend’s ex friend), one of the things she’d say to me was “All you do is sit in your room and write fanfiction.”... I needed something and My Candy Love and it’s fandom was something I enjoyed that kept me in my room (where I felt safe)... To this day, my boyfriend understands why I’ve put so much time and effort into it... Why I’ve spent so much money on it (AP, Gold, commissioned pics, and items)... It was a light in what felt like a sea of darkness in my life...

Now, I’m going to clarify something here... What is written in the last paragraph took place over the course of 5 years... Of course, when I get to the point of 2020, its easy to guess some of the reasons why I continued to focus on My Candy Love... However, I have an added reason.... Not only did the pandemic bitch slap Texas mid March, but about a week before that happened, on March 10th, my mother succumbed to the secondary infection brought on by her disease... And I had to grieve... Of course, when the pandemic hit about week later, I was told by society that I didn’t have time to grieve... As I am a grocery store worker... Which, I still tried to use My Candy Love as a means of escape... It felt like life was going “Yeah, you’re free from your mom’s disease, now here’s one that YOU could bring home to your grandparents and kill them with simply by going to work!”... Because, I’m sure even you know how poorly America has handled the pandemic... And Texas is one of the worst states when it comes to that...

I’m not saying this to make you feel sorry for me... Not in the slightest... I’ve leaned on my family, friends, and boyfriend for everything, so it’s not JUST My Candy Love that got me through all of this... I’m telling you this because My Candy Love and what I’ve done for it has helped me with it all immensely. I thought I had lost my passion for writing while I was still in school, even though my favorite teacher was encouraging me to continue... And here I am still writing my MCL fanfiction... Not only am I still writing my fanfic, I’m getting it turned into 1 copy of an actual book for my shelf when I’m done... When I took photography in High School and wasn’t good at photoshop, I thought it would never be a skill I’d use... And, yet, over the course of my time with MCL, my photo editing skills have improved DRASTICALLY... Sure, I can’t really edit real life photos... But I can make stuff for MCL avatars and such...

I mean, if someone had told me 8 years ago that I’d be so invested in this game that I’d have a body pillow of my favorite love interest, a folder of commissioned art, a blog with over 1,300 followers, an Instagram with nearly 300 followers, a custom plushie of my favorite love interest, a Discord Server with around 200 people in it... That I’d be the Vice President/Club Photographer of the US version of a fan club... That I’d make friends throughout the world in the fandom... That my editing skills would become as good as they are now... That I’d be working on the biggest writing project I’ve EVER worked on... And that I’d cry at the last episode the same way I cried during the Season 8 finale of Scrubs, the series finale of iCarly, Matt Smith’s regeneration in Doctor Who and the ending of Deathly Hallows Part 2... I would have told them that they’re crazy....

Yet... Here I am... I’m turning 26 years old in July... And all of that has happened... In real life, I’m still dealing with the pandemic, I’ve celebrated my 5 year anniversary with my boyfriend, and I’m even preparing to move in with him... Yet, online, I’m still VERY invested in your game. I’m still a long way from finishing my OC’s story... I still want to edit pics for Nathaniel and Alana... And I’m going to be contemplating playing the new game for a while... I’ll still play events... As long as Nathaniel is around, I’ll be there to greet him with a smile... But I don’t know about your new project...

All that being said.... There’s one MAJOR thing I’d like to say to you, Chino....

THANK YOU!

Thank you for everything! For all your hard work in this story... It’s far from perfect, but I still enjoyed the majority of it... For creating Nathaniel, the holder of my 2D heart.... Seriously, thank you for creating him... I have anime crushes, but I don’t love them as deeply as I love Nath.... Thank you for your art! Its amazing! You’re in my top 3 favorite digital artists... The others being Drachea Rannak and Marco Albiero... Thank you for all the work you continue to put into the game that a lot of us have, kind of, grown up with.... I wasn’t really a kid when I started playing, but I do consider myself to have “grown up” with it... Thank you for all of the other love interests... For Castiel, Kentin, Armin, Lysander, Priya, Rayan and Hyun... They’re not the ones I love most, but they’re all interesting characters... Thank you for Candy... While she and Alana greatly differ from each other, Candy was the heroine in a story that gave birth to Alana... Candy is far from perfect, but I’m glad her story ended well.... Thank you for creating the game that brought this fandom into existence... While the fandom can be VERY toxic at times, there are a lot of amazing people in it... They have become some of my dearest friends...

While the entire My Candy Love team at Beemoov deserves my gratitude... I feel like you are the most deserving of it... Because, without you, My Candy Love would not exist.

I look forward to seeing My Candy Love’s future... Either from the sidelines, or from the middle of it... I will see it’s future...

Thank you ChiNoMiko.

All my love and respect,

Melody Alana Roster

#my candy love #my candy love university life #my candy love love life #mcl #mclul #my candy love high school life #mclll #ChiNoMiko #amor doce #amour sucre #sweet amoris #Sweet kiss #sweet love #Sweet flirt #sweet crush #Corazon de Melon #corazon de bombon #cdm #cdmu #slodki flirt #dolce flirt #chinomiko appreciation week #thank you for everything Chino #beemoov #beemoov games #i cried while writing this

[thecrazyanimegirl]

Fall anime 2020

And wow, it’s the last season of 2020! May the new year be a lot better, not just anime related!

{ Winter ‘18 }  { Spring ‘18 }  { Summer ‘18 }  { Fall ‘18 }  { Winter ‘19 } { Spring ‘19 }  { Summer ‘19 }  { Fall ‘19 }  { Winter ‘20 }  { Spring ‘20 } { Summer ‘20 }

Alongside the continuations and new seasons like fire force, danmachi,  mahouka koukou no rettousei, golden kamuy and so, these are the new shows that we started:

100-man no Inochi no Ue ni Ore wa Tatteiru 

It is pretty typical isekai anime, just that it has twist and they can go back to their world every time they do a quest. I could see potential in characters and their development, but they aren’t kind of characters I would care about or watch something with meh plot for. Maybe they are building up for something cool, but for now, it was kind of boring for me.

Akudama Drive 

Overwhelmingly cool show about criminals in a dystopian future world. There is not much to say about the story without spoiling other than being so unnecessary cool that I loved it an unnatural amount! The characters, the setting, the action scenes, the animation and conversations, everything is just so aesthetic! I looked forward to it every week! Gonna miss them a lot. Just beware of a lot of violence and blood scenes (even though they are mostly censored).

By the Grace of the Gods 

A really soft isekai with a boy who tames slimes. This is that one (at least) show of the season where you can just turn off your brain, watch some cuteness and forget about everything. It comes with no strings attached, you can drop it halfway and not think twice about it, it won’t make you feel bad in any way, just happiness and rainbows, and sometimes that’s what I need.

Hypnosis Mic -Division Rap Battle- Rhyme Anima 

Women rule the world and pretty boys rap to assert dominance. That’s it, that’s the premise and if you think that ridiculous, yes, it truly is haha If you want to have a laugh, listen to some rapping (can’t say much about the quality of it, but I enjoyed it immensely, good va’s!), go watch it. The plot quality is debatable to say the least, but it’s not really an anime about the story, rather about the 12+ guys and their friendships and rivals and well... rap.

Ikebukuro West Gate Park 

Although a little bit on the improbable side to happen IRL, Ikebukuro WGP showcases multiple situations where we dive behind the back of many realistic happenings in bigger cities. There is always some company in conflict with another thinking solving it in their way is the best possible choice, not taking into consideration what happens to the little people bearing their consequences. It is of course up to the “good mafia” guys to solve it. If you are reading the Webtoon Weak Hero and are in search for some more realistic gang divisions, then feel free to give this anime a try. It has a pretty lovable and crafty MC minus the high-school setting.

Jujutsu Kaisen

Ohh my where to start xD yes, you are looking at the fan favorite anime of this season and there is no doubt about it having that title. I can go on and try to convince everyone saying it has the perfect animation, soundtrack, appearance of the characters and so on but to truly experience it, you will have to watch it. Character development is on the slower track but it is understandable since it is obvious that the series will be a “long distance runner”. What impressed me the most is the perfect balance of humor and tragedy, so if you are one to typically enjoy shonen anime, give it definitely a try through the 3 episodes rule!

Kuma Kuma Kuma Bear 

A girl got isekai’d in a game and now finds friends and people she cares about. Oh and she’s in a bear suit. This was one of those shows I watched for relaxation. There are no bad emotions coming from it and you can just relax, watch something that doesn’t need you to turn on your brain and try to be happy. If you are looking for something serious, you won’t really find it here.

Majo no Tabitabi 

A witch that travels the world, visiting many cities and meeting a lot of people, hearing their stories and moving on. Not action packed, but has things happening throughout the eps. I thought it would be another happy show, but it turned to be quite dark in some episodes. Most episodes have their separate story with minimal connection to the previous ones and some are heartwarming and some are downright grim. Overall, the plot is interesting and the MCs development and way of thinking is interesting too! 

Maoujou de Oyasumi

I KNEW this one is gonna be good when I first read the description of the manga in the bookstore 2 years ago xD What you see above is a small princess who wishes nothing more than a good sleep and a bunch of demons who decided to capture her. It becomes clear early on that she isn’t your typical prisoner as she sets out on quests to find stuff to make her rest more comfortable and NOTHING is gonna stand in her way. Your time watching this anime will be filled with heartfelt laughter and love for the all the characters. Yes, some people might be triggered by her actions and personality but I do believe since I (as a person who prefers to watch shonen) am impressed with it, a great number of people will like it.

Munou na Nana

I really love this anime. MC is an antagonist, pretty much an antihero, but she was made to believe that she is the hero. She is very smart, so anything she plots end up interesting. This show always keeps me on the end of my seat. And it’s a great combination of everyone has supernatural abilities + high school setting, but with a darker twist to it. It’s one of my favorites this season! 

Noblesse

I read the webtoon and I am fan of it, so I am really happy to see Noblesse became an anime! Characters are really awesome and plot is action packed. I’m sure you won’t regret watching it! The humor, the lore and the action is very well balanced and it’s just a good story. If you feel like you really like the anime, but something is missing and you have some time, the webtoon is amazing! Of course, they actually did the anime quite well, but some jokes or additional train of thought that goes in the characters head cannot be all transferred into the animation. Oh and - watch Noblesse: Awakening before this! That’s like the crash course of the first arc of the story.

Taiso Samurai 

A MAPPA anime about a japanese gymnast on the verge of retirement, his daughter and a ninja they adopted! That about covers it! It’s a soft and heartwarming story that really leaves a good feeling after watching it. The characters are lovable and the drama side of the story levels out with humor pretty well, without glossing over stuff too much. I can’t say much about the sports aspect since I don’t know much, but it was worth the watch even though it isn’t the most amazing action-packed anime ever. But it was a solid story, good charas and was just soft.

With a Dog AND a Cat, Every Day is Fun

One and a half minute of a lady with a cat and a dog being incredibly relatable.

Yuukoku no Moriarty

Ah yes, I’m a sucker for every possible variation of sherlock homes, so it’s no wonder how much I enjoyed this. It’s centered about Moriarty, but Sherlock has his time in the later half of the show. The animation is just so beautiful, I loved the stories and mysteries and the way they handled Moriarty as a character. Also a good mixture of mystery, people being hideous creatures, main characters being pretty af and humor. I should continue to the manga now.

Dropped: MAGATSU WAHRHEIT, The Day I Became a God   

#fall anime 2020 #season review #jujutsu kaisen #akudama drive #yuukoku no moriarty #noblesse #ikebukuro west gate park #100-man no inochi no ue ni ore wa tatteiru #taiso samurai #munou na nana #maoujou de oyasumi #majo no tabitabi #magatsu wahrheit #kuma kuma kuma bear #hypnosis mic: division rap battle - rhyme anima #by the grace of the gods #with a dog and a cat every day is fun

[thewhiteroseofvermilion]

Moving Forward

Hello everyone. It’s been a long time since I’ve last spoken to you all, and an even longer time since I’ve last updated this story. Over the months and years, my absence has saddened, frustrated, and even angered many of you. Despite my own valid feelings of how—to put it bluntly—I don’t owe any of you anything as this is something I do for free and in my own free time, I still recognize how it must feel for you all to see something you enjoy so much slowly lose momentum and eventually grind to a halt. Furthermore, my habit of making enthusiastic yet empty statements in between didn’t help either. 

As such, a proper and honest explanation is due, as anything less would be unkind. This will be lengthy, but please bear with me. 

For the past four years, it’s been increasingly difficult to find the time, energy, and motivation for me to properly sit down and write. Seemingly gone are the early days of this story’s life when I was able to publish a new chapter every month or so, or even every two weeks when I was at the top of my game in terms of activeness. Even though I had an immense workload due to being a double major in college, leading me to adopt the best work ethic I’ve ever had, I still led a sheltered lifestyle where I didn’t have to worry about the many looming, inevitable adult responsibilities that were ahead of me.

Those tranquil years of course came to an end when I graduated, and I soon felt immense pressure to shift my attention to finding work, living independently, and working on things that would further my career. While I received support as an aspiring writer from the majority of my family, those being my mother and sister, the both of them commented more frequently as time passed by that my “fanfiction” wasn’t something that I should be spending so much time on anymore. After all, it’s not like I could sell the work as my own, and the fact that despite fanfiction absolutely being a valid artform, it wasn’t something that the world of professional employers cared about. 

Nonetheless, when I did eventually find work as a film freelancer, I still tried to persevere and write on the side. My goal back then was to work in film in order to sustain my pursuit in writing. Film was something I went to school for, greatly enjoyed, and even saw a possible future career for myself in, but it was the writing aspect of it that I was truly after, that being primarily screenwriting. 

After two years of living at home, I felt the need to try and live independently as I outgrew my tiny room and my mom started dating a man that I didn’t particularly like. I knew it wasn’t financially smart of me to do so when my mom allowed me to live with her rent-free. But at the time I thought that it would help me to become more mature and productive, as I would have to force myself to work in order to put a roof over my head and food on the table—as opposed to living a sheltered life at home where everything was taken care of for me. Essentially, I was longing for the lifestyle I had in college, thinking that once I returned to it, I would be able to reacquire that once incredible work ethic I had. 

So, I became roommates with a friend from college and together we rented a townhouse together. Rent wasn’t terribly expensive, but it wasn’t cheap either. Regardless, I was able to make ends meet. My greatest challenge however, was to live up to my family’s spoken and unspoken expectations. On one hand, my mother was sweet and understanding, naturally giving me her full support. My father, on the other, always thought that it’d be better for me to pursue something safer and more lucrative, and to not risk being a starving artist. But the one I had to prove myself the most to was my older sister, who was wildly more successful than I was—financially and professionally. My pay compared to hers was like a drop in a bucket, and I felt both indirect and direct pressure from her to be more “professional” like her. Therefore, I threw myself into my work, which is when things slowly began to go downhill. 

As a film freelancer, my work hours usually averaged between 10-12 hours a day, and with my work taking me all over my home state of Maryland and even into neighboring Washington DC and Virginia, my commute time to and from work ranged anywhere from an additional 1-3 hours. It became incredibly common for me to wake up for work anywhere between 3-6 AM and not get home until 8-10 PM. 

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I slowly slipped into a routine where when I did have the “time” to write, I had zero energy or motivation as my work was so taxing. I reached the point where I had to drink two energy drinks with 300mg of caffeine to get myself to and from work. I saw less and less of my roommate and friends. I spent an alarming amount of money and gained weight from ordering take-out so often because I hadn’t the energy to cook for myself when I got home late from work. There would even be days when I fell into what felt like comas, sleeping up to two days straight at one point. My physical, mental, and emotional health was in serious decline. And yet I didn’t see it that way, as I had become obsessed with trying to prove to my family, my sister in particular, that I wasn’t a failure and that my pursuit of writing wasn’t a hopeless one.

During the first month of COVID-19′s outbreak last year, I finally had a much-needed vacation. This was undoubtedly the best time for me to have returned to writing—but I didn’t. At this point, so much time had passed since my last proper writing session that the few times I did try to write, I found myself completely unable to write anything. I was so out of practice and so out of touch with what I had written. This honestly frightened me, and I soon began to doubt if I could ever be able continue the story with the same quality that so many readers fell in love with. Regrettably, I fled from this revelation long enough for a full month to pass by, and I soon found myself busy with yet another distraction: unemployment. 

I was out of work for about 4.5 months, from the middle of March to the beginning of August. During this time, I had to rely on state unemployment, which earned me great scorn from my older sister. Our relationship had always been uneven since we were kids, but it was becoming increasingly toxic as of late since our college years. I felt so ashamed to tell her how much money I made in a year from my job as a film freelancer, and how I barely managed to move to a better position after four years of work. Riddled with guilt and disappointment in myself, when work became readily available again in August, I frantically threw myself back in harder than ever before. In the past where I had turned down the occasional job to give myself some time to relax or in order to make it to a social outing with friends, I now accepted every job thrown my way, only declining those that would make me double-book myself. I earned a lot of money during those months as a result, and I was so happy to finally distance myself from the stigma of being “unemployed.” However, I once again failed to see that I was yet again sliding back into the lifestyle that had been slowly poisoning me for the past two years. 

After essentially working non-stop from August to March, my body, mind, and soul soon returned right back to the brink of collapse. It wasn’t until then at my lowest point when I finally realized how I initially went from working to sustain myself in order to write, to not writing at all and only working to sustain myself to work even more. It was truly scary to see myself fall victim to a brutal cycle of unfulfilling work that could have trapped me for years to come if I hadn’t broken free first. That’s when I realized that my lifestyle was personally unsustainable, and that something had to change. 

Henceforth, I’ve made the difficult decisions to both transition out of film freelancing and to soon return home to live with my father. At the end of April, the homeowner of the townhouse my roommate and I had been living in for close to three years gave us our 30-days-notice to vacate, as they no longer wished to rent but to sell the property. As my roommate had been planning on finding a place of his own with his girlfriend for quite some time, we split amicably at the end of last month in May and I’ve since moved into a temporary apartment with a friend who has traveled back to Maryland for seasonal work. 

Regarding the change in my career, I’ve been looking into applying for writing positions for something that I’ve grown to enjoy over the past few years, which is to write reviews for media such as film, anime, and videogames. This of course is not what I truly want to do in life, but I think that because it actually involves writing, it would be both good practice in terms of practicing my writing and experience in terms of resume-building. Furthermore, a stable “9-5″ job as such would be good for me, I think, as it would introduce some desperately needed structure back into my life. Being a freelancer was definitely fun as I had the power to choose my own schedule, but it unfortunately fostered a lot of laziness and procrastination when I wasn’t completely burnt out. 

I’ve shared with you all this information, a great deal of it being very personal, in the hopes that it helps you better understand who I am as a person and what I’ve been going through these past four years. 

I understand that my word may be difficult to trust due to my history, but I sincerely wish to let you all know from the bottom of my heart that I do plan on continuing writing The White Rose of Vermilion until it’s completed. My fears and insecurities may have alienated me from that promise, but not once did I ever entertain the idea of fully dropping the story. And I promise you, I never will. It most likely will not further my career in any way, bring any revenue in, and will continue to consume a great deal of my precious free time—yet I still choose to pursue continuing it because I can’t see a future where I don’t finish it.

It is after all my most cherished project; the reason that I was able to truly find my calling as an aspiring writer, its success also ultimately being the proof to my mother that I had some skill as a budding writer, who then gave me her full blessings to pursue it as a career. But most important of all is that it’s the reason why I was able to experience first-hand one of the most important and beautiful discoveries in my entire life. That being the incredible phenomenon of how art is like a beacon—its bright light is powerful enough to reach out and inspire others to create art of their own. From Monty Oum to Nancy Phetchareune to myself, I was blessed enough to see readers create wonderful fanart to show me or tell me in a review that reading my story had inspired them to create something of their own.

I am officially leaving behind my prolonged hiatus and returning to working on The White Rose of Vermilion. While I am extremely hesitant to even estimate when the next chapter will be published, please know that I am genuinely trying to leave behind my habits of old and returning to a more consistent schedule. 

The White Rose of Vermilion will return in:

Arc II, Chapter Twenty-Seven: Stranger in the Night

#TWRoV #The White Rose of Vermilion

[beskarhearts]

Vencuyot (Din Djarin x reader)

source: @isetthetone​

Connection series Pt. 11

Pairing: Din Djarin x f!reader (no use of Y/N)

Warnings: cursing, fighting, total sleazy douche bag

Word count: over 8.5 K

Summary: Din and you finally get started on helping the kid find his kind.

Notes: Alright, we are finally going into the events of season two! Each episode will probably be about 2-3 chapters. And I’m also planning right now on how to incorporate original scenes while also kind of following the overarching story line from season two. I am very excited to see how you guys like it!

Previous Part ____ Next Part

____________________________________________________

“You’re good with him.”

You smile warmly at Din, holding the child’s little body against your chest to which he let out a string of joyful noises that pulled at your heart strings. You looked down quickly to see the child’s eyes look up at you, his little hand beginning to pull of strands of your hair. He always loved to play with it, sometimes to tug at it or yank it, but most of the times he’d just run his three tiny fingers through it like it was the most fascinating thing. You looked back up to Din, who watched the two of you with his helmet tilted slightly. You couldn’t see his expression but you’d like to think you knew him well enough to know he was smiling underneath the helmet.

Moments like these were nice. The kind of moments where you, Din, and the kid just sat together in the hull of the Crest, letting the ship guide you guys through hyperspace as the three of you just relaxed. It was domestic and pure and everything you and Din deserved. 

“Yeah. I guess I kind of am.” You quietly admitted. You never wanted to brag about the way you were able to care for the child. Yes, it was part of your job around here. But Din also helped and a small part of you always saw the child as Dins, and solely Dins. Din had been the one to find him and protect him. He was the one who made an oath to find his kind, putting his Creed and life at risk to do it. It had been just been the two of them for a while before you came along. So yes, you were good with the kid, but you never wanted to overstep a boundary and claim the kid as your own. Even in spite of the way a maternal wave washed over you each time you saw the child coo at you or reach for you. The way a sleepy smile would pop onto his face when he woke up and saw you. The way some nights he would just need to be held by you for a while before feeling safe and secure enough to go to bed. In spite of all those things that made you feel special, you still wanted to show respect to their relationship.

“You definitely are.” Din paused, sitting forward a little more before continuing. “Is it cause of some... Jedi thing?”

You smiled at the way Din spoke about anything Jedi related. You were the first to admit you weren’t the most educated about Jedi history but Din was absolutely clueless. You supposed that made sense considering the rift between Mandalorians and Jedi’s but it still made you chuckle whenever he tried to speak about the matter. “I don’t know, to be honest. I think sometimes I just can feel what he needs or sense when something is wrong. I don’t know if it’s a Jedi thing or just a m-” you cut yourself off, trapping the words in your mouth before they slip out.

“Just a what?” Din asked and you shook your head quickly.

“Oh nothing, it was just a silly thing.”

Din sighed, reaching forward and brushing his hand against your knee. “What was it, cyar’ika?”

“I was going to say a mother thing. But not cause I’m the kids mom or anything. It was dumb because I’m totally not. I’m just-“

“Stop.” You physically bring your lips together to stop yourself from rambling. “I might not know much but I know the kid sees you as a mother.”

You smiled warmly, looking down at the child in your lap who continue to play with strands of hair, not paying much attention to the conversation being had. “Yeah?”

Din nodded. “Of course. And you are a good one.”

You tried to look away from Din, not wanting him to see the way your face flushed from the compliment or the way your eyes started to water from the sincerity of it. You truly loved the child, probably a bit too much. And maybe you shouldn’t look at him like a son considering what you knew was bound to happen, but you didn’t contemplate the pain you would one day feel at his possible departure. As far as you knew, this was your family and you were going to enjoy it for as long as possible. And that meant treating the kid like your own because even if you selfishly wanted to build a wall up, you knew the child needed a parental figure in his life. He was only a small child after all, one who had already been through enough and hidden away for so long. So you figured you could do this for him. You could show him love and compassion, how it feels to be protected by someone who cares for you. It was a job Din did extraordinarily well, something you don’t think he even realized he did. And you were damned to do your best by the kid. Even if in the end it hurt yourself. Because wasn’t that one of the biggestc, yet also inevitable, sacrifices of a parent?

“Thank you.” you whispered out and the kid finally looked a you then, showing you the hair in his hands to which you nodded. He dropped the hair before picking it back up, seeming satisfied by the feeling of the strands slipping through his fingertips.

“Do you ever. I don’t know. Want... some?”

You glance up a Din, your eyebrows shooting up at the way he awkwardly fumbled with his words. Din was usually a very clear man so you knew if he was struggling to express himself, it must be new territory for him. “Want what?”

Din didn’t bother to verbally answer, simply directing his head towards the kid. You let out a small ‘oh’ once understanding what he was getting at. “Kids?” You clarified to which the Mandalorian firmly nodded.

Your heart skipped in your chest at the thought. Maker, kids. You hadn't considered the idea of having kids in so long. For many years, it seemed an impossible task. Having a child meant allowing someone in, which was not something you excelled in. You also never found yourself too invested in the prospect of having kids of your own. It wasn’t that you didn’t like them, though Jakku was never teeming with them. Kids were fine. You often found them to be funny, like little drunken adults just wandering around. And you could t deny that they were cute (though you would argue the child in your lap was even cuter than human children). But when you looked in the mirror before, you never saw a woman who could be a mother. It just wasn’t part of your personality. You had watched your own mother for so long and you loved her, but you hadn’t been similar to her at all, you two often having differing opinions. But your mother had seemed like such the picture-perfect mom to you and if you were nothing like her, how could you be a mom?

But now things were different. You were a different person than you used to be (a better one as well you would argue). And that was due to Din. Having allowed yourself to open up to someone taught you a lot of things about relationships, communication, and trust. And now there was someone in your life who you could kind of invision a future with. A very rocky, unclear future but a future nonetheless.

The kid also changed your perspective. When you met the child, you instantly felt a connection to him. You wanted to grab his small little body and hold him close, make him smile. It was like this instinctual side of you kicked in, a side you didn’t know you even had. And now you liked it. You liked caring for him and being there for important things. You loved to way he had begun to expand the way he communicated , whether that be with his facial expressions or noises. You loved that when he first woke up in the morning and saw either you or Din, a sleepy little smile would form that made your morning instantly better. You loved when he would giggle when you did something stupid or silly. You even liked when he needed your help, when his grabby hands reached out for something he wanted. Watching him grow was like a gift. So now the idea of kids sounded exponentially more appealing than it ever had before.

“I never really used to. Was never that type of person really. But now... yeah. Maybe one day.” You said the last part with a sheepish shrug. You didn’t know what one day meant, even to you. You had sworn to stick by Din, even once the kid was gone. And though there was no label and nothing official, there was clearly something happening between the two of you. You were certainly a little more than friends, though you didn’t want to jump to any assumptions and make a fool of yourself.

But you couldn’t help the way your heart nearly jumped out of your chest at the thought of having kids with Din. You already knew he was paternal. You didn’t need to see beneath the armor to see the way he looked at the kid. He treated him like a son and did an exceptionally good job at protecting him and making him feel safe. And sometime, when you were with the kid and Din walked into the room, you could feel this rush of love wash over you, almost like you were feeling what the kid felt. You felt this immense sense of belonging and love, a type of admiration you couldn’t even begin to describe. He looked up to him in a way a kid is truly meant to look up to their dad. There was no doubt in your mind that Din would be a great father.

You cleared your throat and looked up at Din. “What about you?”

“Absolutely.” The answer didn't shock you too much in particular. It was the speed at which he answered. He hadn’t taken a second to even think about it or contemplate it. The answer had just leapt out of his mouth as soon as you had finished speaking. You couldn’t help the way you grinned at him but felt it drop slowly as he let out a loud sigh, his helmet dropping down. “But I don’t know if that’s even possible.”

You furrowed your brow. “What do you mean?”

“This life isn’t right for a kid. And I’m just not the kind of person.”

“Woah, that’s not true. Have you seen yourself with the kid?” You reached a hand out to rest on his leg, reassuringly squeezing it. His helmet finally lifted up a little but you could still see the way his body slightly dropped. “You would be a great dad, Din Djarin.”

“A Mandalorian isn’t the greatest dad.” You could definitely understand where Din was coming from. Life for Din was unstable, tumultuous. His whole job required a certain level of danger that he had to willingly accept every day. Definitely not the most conducive for raising a child.

But you had always imagined Din settling down one day, not even with you per say but just in general. He deserved that. Out of all the people you could imagine, he was one who deserved to find a home somewhere, marry someone, have a peaceful life with what he wanted. Now that you considered it, you didn’t even know if that was a possibility. “Is the whole Mandalorian thing a life time commitment or do you eventually retire?”

“I never really thought about it. I just figured I’d keep going until...well, let’s just say Mandalorians don’t have the greatest track record.”

Your stomach lurched at the meaning behind Dins answer. A job that was a game between life and death meant one of two things, you either lived or died. And you expected that eventually death caught up to the Mandalorians, no matter how strong or unshakeable they appeared. Your heart broke for Din. He had been living his days just working, expecting his life to be cut short because of the life he lived, the job he had, the armor he bore. You squeezed his leg even tighter, forcing him to look at you directly. You stared right into his visor, hoping you were making eye contact with him. “I’m here now. And I’m going to make sure you live a long life. A good one.”

Din just stared back at you, responding with a small jerk of the head. “Okay.”

You nodded in response before smiling, try to lighten the situation. “Good. So you better come up with a retirement plan, old man.”

Din chuckled at you, shaking his head jokingly. “Will do.” You grinned at him but felt it drop slightly as Din continued on. “We need to start looking for the kid’s kind.”

You knew this moment was coming and soon. You and Din had already spent too long playing house, justifying it with excuses like you were trying to come up with a good plan or you were letting time pass so things could calm down. But you and Din both knew the truth deep down. Things weren’t going to calm down and no good plan would be formed without starting somewhere. 

You looked back down at the kid, who just gurgled as he saw your attention land upon him. Sometimes you thought he was too young for training, even though he was fifty. He was just a baby. A child. You had only received a sliver of training and that had been some of the most intense work you had ever done. You couldn’t imagine the same little child in your lap, the one whose most prized possession was a metal ball and who cried when he couldn’t eat a butterfly, was supposed to become a Jedi. But you also understood that you couldn’t even attempt to understand his full potential and just how truly powerful he was. And the earlier he started harnessing it, the better. Sometimes you wish you had been taught earlier. You understood what it felt like to be younger and capable of something you couldn’t understand. It was terrifying sometimes and other times just plain confusing. 

You looked back up at Din. “Yeah. We do.”

“We need a plan.”

“We don’t even know where to start, Din.” 

“Do you know of any... Jedi places?”

You laughed at his question. “No. I’m afraid I will be of no help to you in that regard. I barely know any more about Jedi’s than you do.”

Din nodded and you knew he was slightly disappointed, but not upset. You understood that feeling. Sometimes you wished you were better or knew something so you knew how to help out. But you had also accepted that you were who you were and nothing would change that.

“I need to find other Mandalorians. I was told they could help me.”

“Well, where are the Mandalorians?”

“I don’t know.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “How do you not know? You guys don’t have like some meet up spot or something?”

Din chuckled, now finding your lack of knowledge about Mandalorians as funny as you find his lack of knowledge about Jedis. “They are called coverts and they are in secret locations for safety. There was one on Nevarro but that got exposed.”

“So you have no clue where any are?”

“No.”

You huffed. “Well then, what do we do?”

“I know some people who might know information about where Mandalorians are. We can start there.”

You nodded. “I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“So once we find a Jedi, we just hand him over? That’s it?” You found that to be such a bizarre thought. Jedi’s were supposed to be peacemakers but that hadn’t stopped a fair share of them from becoming Siths instead. How were you supposed to meet someone and just trust them enough right away to hand the child over? What if this person just took advantage of him or worse, handed him over to Gideon for a large prize?

“I don’t know how this works at all. We need to just find out more information before we get to that.”

“And what if we can’t find one?”

“I made a promise. He is under my care and I vowed to bring him to his kind. I will make sure it happens, no matter how long it takes.”

You admired Din’s dedication. You had never met an individual who was so devoted, whether that be devoted to his Creed or to the child or yourself. It was so admirable and you believed every word that came out of his mouth. 

“You are a good man, Din.”

Din just nodded in response and you wondered if he ever believed you when you said that. You meant it with every part of your being but you don’t think he ever looked in the mirror and saw the man you saw. Saw the kind heart and the beautiful soul that laid hidden beneath all his armor. You just wanted to spend all your days showing him that, hoping one day he would see it. Look past the helmet and the job and see who he was. 

“Din?”

“Yes?”

“What are we going to do after all of this?” The question had been on the tip of your tongue for weeks now. You knew Din had said he wanted you to stay. And you knew your relationship had now progressed, though neither of you had placed any binding label on it.  Those were great things and you were thrilled by them but you didn’t know what that would entail for you guys.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, when we find the kid a place to go, what do we do? Are you going back to bounty hunting? I mean can you even do that after you took the kid back?”

Din’s helmet tilted and you knew he was deep in thought. Part of you hoped he couldn’t and you felt selfish for it. You knew that was what Mandalorians did. They worked, endlessly. But you couldn’t imagine finding somewhere for the kid to go and then Din working night and day to catch bounties, traveling through the galaxy from one place to the next for the rest of his days. You wanted him to be able to relax, to live a life that he had never even thought to envision. A life where he could have kids when he wanted to or could just live in peace. 

“If you could go to any planet, where would you go?”

You brought your head back, staring at Din with a perplexed expression. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Just tell me.”

You thought before remembering a planet Mai had told you about. “Sesid. Mai said she read about it once. There is supposed to be so much ocean that you can’t walk anywhere where you don’t have a view of it. And where you don’t see blue, it is supposed to be so green with so many trees and plants.”

“Then we will go there.”

You let out a laugh. “Din, what are you talking about?”

“I don’t know exactly what will happen after all of this. But I know I want to be with you. So once we find the kid a place to go, you and I will go to Sesid.”

You smiled up at him. You still didn’t know if that was even possible but you didn’t want to think about what would realistically happen. You wanted to believe, if only for this moment, that Din and you would help the kid and then be together, somewhere beautiful and happy. “Okay. Sesid it is.”

Din nodded in agreement. “I do know one thing for sure, though.

“What?”

Din leaned towards you, close enough that if he weren’t wearing the helmet you could kiss him. You leaned against him, your forehead tapping against the helmet. “I am going to do whatever I can to make you happy.”

__________

Once night fell, the two fell into their new routine. They didn’t discuss it but it kind of just fell in place. As soon as the child’s eyes slid closed, Din grabbed onto her, pulling her to crawl into his bed, the cot on the floor she used to sleep on being long forgotten now. 

Din shuffled in next to her, closing the hatch to the cot and removing his helmet immediately after. Part of him wished so much that he could have a light on, just so he could see her face when she was laid in his bed, next to him. But for now, being able to feel her beside him was more than he could ever ask her. 

Din rested his body against the padding of the thin mattress, feeling her immediately shuffle into him. Her head sat to rest on his shoulder and he could feel her breath tickle his neck. One of her arms wrapped around his chest, clinging on like it was a life preserver. Her legs tangled with his and she let out a loud sigh once she finally rested comfortably into him, letting the shape of his body contour into hers. “You are very comfortable, y’know?” She mumbled happily and Din felt a small smile grow on his face. He loved this. Loved the way she clung onto him and the way she hummed as he wrapped an arm around around her back, tracing her spine over her shirt with his finger tips. 

“Yeah?” He responded, feeling himself turn his head in her direction. He couldn’t see her, only the silhouette of her body if he focused enough. 

“Mmhhm.” She hummed and Din brought his lips down to kiss the top of her head. Her head tilted up in response and she brought her lips against his, allowing the two to mold together. Din couldn’t believe he had gone this long without kissing her. Whenever he did, it felt so divinely perfect in a way he couldn’t even begin to describe. It was warm and thrilling but also made Din feel safe in a way he never had before. Like no matter what happened, he would be okay as long as she was there.  He had never felt that way with anybody else before, besides his parents so long ago. Nobody had ever wormed their way into his heart like she had. 

She eventually pulled away, her breathing a little heavier than before, and rested her head back into her previous position, nuzzling into him. “Where are we headed now?” 

“A planet on the outer rim. I know someone who might be able to help me find other Mandalorians.” 

“A friend?”

Din couldn’t help the small chuckle that came out. “No. He is an old gangster. Gor Karesh is his name.”

“Oh, lovely. Old gangsters are my favorite.”

“Oh really?”

She let out a giggle at the jab and he could hear the grin on her lips. “Oh yeah. You better hope he doesn’t win me over cause I might just stay with him instead.”

Din narrowed his eyes, not understanding what she meant. “You aren’t seeing him.”

She paused for a moment before letting out a small sigh. “Yes, I am. I’m coming with you.”

“I don’t want you coming. You’ll be safer in the Crest.”

“Din, last time you left me alone in the Crest, a man ended up dead.” She didn’t say it with anger or annoyance. Din didn’t detect any harshness in the words. It was just said very matter-of-factly, reminding Din of himself. But it still didn’t stop the way his heart dropped into his stomach at her rebuttal. She wasn’t wrong. Last time she had begged him to come and he had refused, all in the name of protecting her. But he had seen where that ended and he didn’t want a repeat of it.

As much as it pained him, she was right. Din wanted nothing more than to protect her and keep her safe. But in a galaxy like this, with a man like Moff Gideon hunting for him, nothing was safe. It was all inherently dangerous. And Din knew she was more than capable. She was smart and strong. She could stand her own but he still felt uncomfortable with the idea of pushing her into danger directly. It felt like a betrayal to the promise he had made to protect both her and the kid. “Okay.”

She nodded her head against him. “I’ll be fine. You know, I might even be an advantage. I’m pretty smart.”

“I know you are, sweet one.” 

“Well then, we will be fine. We’ve got your crazy Mando strength, the kids hand thing, and my quick-witted humor. It should go very smoothly.” Her body started shaking slightly with laughter and Din couldn’t help but to join in with her. He couldn’t remember the last time anything in his life had gone smoothly and he expected this to be no exception. 

Once the laughing stopped, she rested her hand on his chest, right over his heart, and patted softly. “Really though. I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”

Din nodded, feeling slightly better with her reassurances. She was probably right. It would be okay especially with her there. Din had never really worked with anyone before but everything was different now. She was his rock and he trusted her. She pressed a small kiss onto his jaw and he could feel her smile into it. 

“Din, this is perfect but I am going to be a pain in the ass.”

“What is it?”

“I’m freezing my ass off.” 

Din let out a chuckle, shaking his head. It was probably from all the years he spent in hyperspace, but he was never cold while she managed to somehow always be cold. Even with his body heat and the one blanket over them, he could feel the goosebumps on her skin as he ran a hand over her arm. “You are always cold.”

She huffed. “It’s not my fault you are cold blooded and that this ship is colder than Hoth itself.”

“Where did your blanket go?”

“I think it’s still in my bag. I haven’t gone through it since I got back from Jakku.”

Din started to shuffle, pulling away from her to which she let out a loud whine. “Let me put on my helmet and I’ll grab it for you.”

She sighed contently at him and Din slipped the helmet on his head before opening the door to the cot. Some light from the hull of the ship reached his bed and he could see her face just slightly illuminated, a sleepy, lopsided smile on her face. She looked right back up at him. “Did I ever tell you that you are my hero?”

Din shook his head before slipping out of the bed. He walked over to a corner of the hull, where her bag had been sitting for days now. He bent down, opening it and saw the blanket on the top, with a small piece of folded paper with her name sprawled on it. He picked it up, feeling the weight of it in his fingers. “What is this?” he asked out of curiosity, not opening it.

“What is it?” She said, not bothering to get up to look.

“I think it’s a letter.” He looked back just in time to see her head pop up slightly. She furrowed her eyebrows before beginning to slip out of the bed, wrapping the blanket around her body. 

“What does it say?”

“Just has your name on it.” 

She eventually stumbled over to him and he reached his hand up, offering the letter to her. She reached a hand out from under the blanket, grabbing onto it and reading the writing on the front. “That is Mai’s handwriting.” 

She brought her other hand out, the blanket resting on her shoulders and arms, and began to unfold the piece of paper. Din looked up at her as she began to read. He sat silently, even as her face dropped into a blank stare and her face paled. She suddenly folded the paper up, shaking her head. “What is it?” he asked.

“I don’t know. But I can’t read it right now.” He saw the way her chest was heaving and how her eyes were frantically moving around, as if she was trying to follow something that wasn’t there. 

“Sweet one?”

“It’s something about my family. That’s as far as I got.” Din stood up and looked down at her. She didn’t look at him, her face twisting up as she frantically shook her head as if begging someone to stop. “I can’t do this. I’m am finally okay with everything and I don’t need to read something that will just mess with me.”

“But what if it is something important?”

“If none of them told me and I didn’t find out for this many years, I am sure it can wait.” She scrunched the paper up in her hands, tossing it into the opening of her bag. “Besides, we have to focus on the kid. This can wait. He can’t.”

Din slowly nodded and she forced a smile onto her face. He hated when she did this, when she buried everything in and just put on a smile. He knew it was how she coped and he could identify with that. He was similar, but instead of smiling, he buried everything down and then hunted a bounty to forget. 

Instead of pushing her, he held up the blanket that was still grasped in his hand. She looked at it and chuckled. “Maybe I can sleep now since I won’t be freezing.”

“Are you okay?” Din couldn’t help but to ask. 

“I will be as long as you come keep me warm.” Her hand reached out for one of his and tugged him over. “Let’s go to bed.”

__________

“Well, this is just such a beautiful place. We should come back one day when we are really able to enjoy the sights and sounds.” You sarcastically mumbled, arms protectively held over your chest as you looked all around you. The walls surrounded you, all of which covered in a plethora of graffiti, parts of them crumbling into pieces. The outer rim was not a pleasant place in general, you knew that. But you had finally landed on the planet where Koresh was supposed to be and as soon as you stepped outside the Crest, you just knew it was a real shit hole. And walking through the streets of whatever town you were just confirmed it. 

It was completely dark outside, almost totally silent. You didn’t see any other people around, except for pairs of red glowing eyes that hid in dark corners and made the child whimper. You looked back to the child, who was sitting in his pram that floated beside you. His small ears tucked in slightly on himself and he buried himself into the pram slightly, big eyes looking all around. Looking over at Din, you didn’t detect any sense of unease. He was on what you’d like to call Mando mode. His head was aiming straight forward, attention on the path in front of him. He stood tall and straight, seeming like such an intimidating figure even in such a shady place. He was completely silent, not speaking. He didn’t like to talk much in public and you weren’t sure if it was because he was uncomfortable to do so or if it was a matter of maintaining a reputation that made others cower in fear.

You let out a sigh at his lack of response until you turn the corner, coming to a door. You see the first individual of the night, a Twi’lek standing guard who stares back at the Mandalorian. He doesn’t greet the two of you with anything but a harsh expression. So much for a welcome.

“I’m here to see Gor Koresh.” Din directed, his voice sounding strong through the modulator. Despite the demand, the Twi’lek still doesn’t speak, just looking over at you before his eyes landed on the Child. The kid looked up at him, cooing slightly.

The man looked away, moving aside and pushing the door open for you to pass through. “Enjoy the fights.” was all he said as you and Din entered. As soon as you walked into the building, you felt your face scrunch up. The place smelled like ale and blood strongly, slapping you in the face as soon as you stepped through the door frame.  You walked down some stairs, studying the scene in front of you. Crowds of humans and creatures, some of which you didn’t recognize, sat or stood amongst benches, yelling loudly and banging their fists. You saw some woman sitting besides the men, some looking less impressed by the entertainment than their counterparts and others looking just as engrossed as the others. In the center of the room sat a platform where two Gamorreans were fighting wildly. They were both fearsome creatures with less than desirable faces. They snarled and huffed, though the sound was drowned out by the yelling in several different alien languages that filled the room.

Din strolled over to a bench, seeming unbothered by the scene before him and not in any way distracted by the environment. He plopped down onto a booth, next to a Abyssin you assumed to be the man of the hour, Koresh. He stood out from the crowd, his body draped in richer fabrics and a large ring on one of his chubby green fingers. You sat down next to Din, watching as the child’s pram hovered right beside you.

The Abyssin didn’t seem bothered or intimidated by Din’s presence. He was s gangster, probably used to having bounty hunters around. Probably hired a few himself, perhaps had one or two come after him even. “You know this is no place for a child.” He spoke, his gaze landing on the child and you for just a moment before going back to the fight, his eye glistening with excitement as he appeared totally enamored by the barbaric nature of it.

“Wherever I go, he goes.” You almost wanted to smile at Din’s response. It sounded intimidating coming from him, but you knew the sentiment and honestly behind it. You refrained from doing so, keeping a blank face and trying to keep your gaze on Gor Koresh. You weren’t much for watching fighting, finding it dull and tasteless, though you couldn’t help but to find the banging and rumbling to be distracting.

Koresh just let a chuckle out. “So I’ve heard.”

“I’ve been quested to bring him to his kind. If I can locate other Mandalorians, they can help guide me. I’m told you know where to find them.” You weren’t surprised by Din’s directness or lack of small talk. This was just the kind of man he was, part of it being him and part of it being due to the armor he wore.

The man let out a sigh. “It’s uncouth to talk business immediately. Just enjoy the entertainment.” The creature finally tore his sight away from the fight, giving you a fleeting glance as a smile curved his lips. You knew that smile very well, had seen many men and creatures wear it before. And usually, it didn’t end well for them. “Why don’t you introduce me to your friend? She is quite the beauty.”

You couldn’t help the way your eyebrows raised and face scrunched up in slight disgust. He couldn’t even try to be a little subtle, or at the least more original.. You let out a sigh and looked at him, even though his attention was back on the fight. “How about you just help us?”

Din didn’t turn to look back at you but you saw the way one of his fists clenched. This was his domain and he wasn’t used to others being with him while he worked. And you didn’t want to overstep your boundaries, but you also weren’t going to let this man look at you like that. You wanted to say a lot more, but knew your mouth could get you in trouble and decided to leave it at that.

The Abyssin let out a huff. “Didn’t know you kept women around. Or children too.” The words were directed at Mando, him not bothering to respond to you directly. You wanted to say something but jumped slightly at the sound of loud clanging. The child cooed in distress as you looked at the fight. The two Gamorreans were clanging their axes together, one of which knocking the other to the ground. Cheers rang through the ground but Koresh looked rather annoyed.

“Bah! My Gamorrean’s not doing well. Kill him! Finish him!” An axe was brought down to the fallen warrior, who dodged just in time to avoid the slamming down of the blade.  Koresh smiled just barely at the sight before glancing at Din. “Do you gamble, Mando?”

You couldn’t imagine Din being a gambler. It seemed so unlike him, almost against the ideas he held close to his heart. He wasn’t one to trust luck. He depended on himself and nothing else. “Not when I can avoid it.” He responded.

“What about you, sweetheart? Do you gamble?”

You rolled your eyes at the question. “No. I don’t.”

“I do. Which is why I’m the rich one here.” Koresh responded, letting out a chuckle at his own jab. “How about this? I’ll bet you the information you seek that this Gamorrean’s going to die within the next minute and a half...and all you have to put up in exchange is your shiny beskar armor.”

You felt your eyes widen slightly. You knew Din could handle this creep and you knew that beskar was worth a lot. It was no wonder Koresh wanted it. But you couldn’t imagine Din would be willing to put it on a silly bet based purely on luck. You couldn’t help but to scoff in response. “His armor isn’t on the table.”

Koresh smiled at your harsh response. “Okay. How about we bet the woman then? Wouldn’t mind a new friend.”

Din for the first time looked over at you for just a second, seeing the way your jaw locked. You couldn’t see his face, but you could tell he was angry by the way he moved. He turned over, looking back at the man. His fist was clenched against his lap but he didn’t bite the bait, just calmly responding. “I’m prepared to pay you for the information. I’m not leaving my fate, or hers, up to chance.”

“Nor am I.” In a flash, his hands reaches into his coat, whipping out a blaster at a surprisingly quick speed. A shot rings out in the building, one of the Gamorreans dropping dead, his axe clanging down beside him. You hear gasps and a cry ring out from the audience at the sudden end of the fight. Your head whips over to Koresh, just in time to see several men rise from the bench behind him, all of them whipping out guns that aim right at Din’s head. You felt your chest squeeze up slightly, panic settling into your bones. But Din just remained seated, even as the crowd yelled and rushed out of the stadium from all directions and Koresh rose from his seat, his own blaster aimed at the helmet. You couldn’t help but to wonder how he could always remain so calm. You felt your hand itch towards the blaster on your hip, but you didn’t know what you would do with it. One blaster against a handful of men, all with their own loaded guns, wasn’t a fair fight by a long shot. Trying to do anything might just get you and Din killed immediately so you waited, seeing how Din handled it.

Koresh laughed at your panicked expression. “Thank you for coming to me. Normally, I have to seek out remnants of you Mandalorians in your hidden hives to harvest your precious shiny shells.” You felt rage bloom within you as you realized what this mans job was, your eyes widening in anger. He made money off ruining people’s lives, ripping the amor that means the world to the Mandalorians off of them with no regard for human decency. No wonder he was so rich. “Beskar’s value continues to rise. I’ve grown quite fond of it. Give it to me now or I will peel it off your corpse. And then take your woman as my new companion.” He chuckled once again, his eyes running down your body with a disgusting smile.

“Tell me where the Mandalorians are and I’ll walk out of here without killing you.“ Din, please, please know what you are doing. You trusted Din and you knew some stories of what he has done, though he never wanted to talk about it too much or seem like he was bragging. Din was an annoyingly humble man and it made it hard to find out just what exactly he was capable of. You knew that he was strong, unnaturally so, and you had seen him in action before. But you hadn’t seen enough to know what he was truly able to do. And you couldn’t help the way your heart slammed in your chest, even upon hearing his confident voice make the demand.

Koresh’s face dropped slightly. “I thought you said you weren’t a gambler...”

That was when you saw it out of the corner of your eye. You had completely forgotten about his whistling birds, him having explained it to you weeks ago when you almost hit a button that triggered it. The child must have also sensed what was about to happen, reaching out quickly to hit the button that closed the lid to the pram, sinking into it before the lid closed.  You figured he had the right idea but you just let your hand hover over the blaster, waiting for the next move. 

“I’m not.” Din said. Suddenly, the whistling birds shot out, instantly hitting all four of the henchmen and causing them to drop immediately to the floor.  You feel Din’s arm reach out, pushing you away, and you brought your own leg up to kick the pram back, already knowing what was going to happen next.

The Gamorrean who had been on the platform recovering, rises up, snarling. You see as he was ready to jump down, onto Din. But Din scoots over to the side, causing the large creature to slam down onto the bench, the wood under him cracking and splitting open. You couldn’t help the laugh that left your lips as you saw him pass out instantly. “Now that was too easy.” You chuckled.

Your hand instantly reaches for your blaster as you look away from the fallen fighter. The Twi’lek from the entrance of the building reached for Din, grabbing him from behind. You rise up the blaster quicker than you ever had before, firing off a shot that hit the guard right in the neck, causing him to release Din and drop down to the ground, joining the others. Three people run after Din as Koresh rushed out of the building, trying to escape while you two were distracted by the fighting. You turned to check on the kid, finding the pram still closed before running towards the exit.

You had just made it out the exit when you heard footsteps charging behind you, to find one of the Zabraks that was attacking Din coming after you now. A  You raised your blaster but found it to be no use when the creature dropped dead before your finger could even pull the trigger, revealing a blade sticking out of his back as he landed face down on the dirty ground. Your head whipped up to find Din behind him, only pausing for a moment to look you over for any damage before charging towards Koresh.

You followed closely behind, only to stumble into his back when the Mandalorian stopped dead in his tracks, your body falling into the metal of his armor and clutching onto his shoulders to steady yourself. In what seemed to be a flash, Koresh had his legs stuck in Din’s grappling hook and his whole body was being lifted up by a street lamp. Din didn’t stop until the mans body was dangling upside down, his head only a few feet above the ground.

Din stepped forward, facing the creature who now looked absolutely terrified. Part of you wanted to laugh at the sight but instead you stepped forward and glared at him. The man started swaying, trying to break out of the hooks with no luck. “All right, stop, stop!” He yelled out, looking at Din. “I’ll tell you where he is. But you must give me your word that you won’t kill me.”

“I promise you will not die by my hand. Now, where is the Mandalorian you know of?“ Your eyebrow raised at the odd wording of Din’s answer until you saw the red eyes that lined the streets start caving in slowly, seeming to stare into the scene before them. My hand, he had said.

Karesh let out a groan. “Tatooine.”

“What?” you and Din both said out-loud and the man just let out another groan, face twisted in discomfort.

“The Mando I know of is on Tatooine.“ he repeated.

“I’ve spent much time on Tatooine. I’ve never seen a Mandalorian there.“ Din responded, tilting his helmet just slightly as if thinking, mulling over in his mind whether or not the man was lying to you. You trusted Din, but Tatooine also seemed like it wouldn’t be the most surprising place for a bounty hunter to be. That planet didn’t have the greatest reputation, lots of sleaze bags and criminals roaming around there from what you heard. Wouldn’t be the most shocking thing for a Mandalorian to be there, whether for work or just because of the environment.

“My information is good, I tell you. The city of Mos Pelgo. I swear it by the Gotra!” Another groan left his lips, even louder this time. You rolled your eyes and looked over at Din.

The Mandalorian stood still before giving you a slight nod. “Tatooine it is, then.”

You brought your hand to your waist to grab the knife strapped to it, preparing to cut the man down when Din’s hand reached out for your wrist, holding it still. You looked up at him, waiting for an explanation but he only stared down at you, shaking his head just the slightest bit. You let go of the handle of the knife, leaving it at your side, and looked back at Koresh who looked back at you two expectantly. You saw the red eyes still there, still glowing in the darkness behind him ominously.

Din let go of your wrist and turned, starting to walk down the street with the pram following behind him. Part of you felt like you should cut down the gangster, until you remembered how he made his living. Ruining the lives of other Mandalorians just for some beskar to make him a richer man that he already is. Instead of cutting him, you gave him the sweetest smile you could muster to which his face scrunched up in confusion. “Koresh, it was a pleasure meeting you.”

You began to walk away, following after Din who slowed his pace for you to catch up when the Abyssin started to thrash wildly, panic settling into every pore of his body. “Wait! You can’t leave me like this!”

You turned back one last time and glared at him. “And you can’t take off a Mandalorians helmet. Yet you did. Many times.”

The man continued to scream, the red eyes caving in on him as you looked back at Din, catching up with him. You heard begging and screaming from behind you, but drowned it out. Part of you felt like you should feel guilty. But he had threatened Din. Ruined lives for money.

There was no guilt, no sadness at what was happening in this very moment. Instead you just felt like your body was energized, the adrenaline from the fight still coursing through you. You had spent so much time now on the Crest with Din, and before that you were just on Yungbrii. You had to fight off a couple creeps here and there, but nothing like that. Nothing that made blood course through your body and your heart pound in your ears. You found you could understand why some people found this addicting, why some people chose to be bounty hunters. It was thrilling in a way you’d never felt before.

You glanced over at Din, studying him. He looked completely unbothered and maybe that was because you couldn’t see his face, but you had a feeling the grizzly attack behind him brought him no sense of upset or guilt. You imagined he felt what you were feeling but ten times stronger. The Mandalorians were his people, his clan, and they had been attacked by the selfish monster. You couldn’t help but to wonder if he had any attention of letting Koresh go, even if he hadn’t attacked the two of you.

Shaking away your thoughts, you spoke loudly over the noises behind you which were now slowly drowning away as you continued on. “Where are we headed now?”

“Tatooine.” he responded and you nodded. You supposed it was the right place to start, even if Din didn’t know of any Mandalorians there. “You are okay, right? Nothing is hurt?”

You couldn’t help the small smile that grew on your face at the way his tone softened, the way his whole figure relaxed. You found it amazing how he could change from bad-ass, killer Mandalorian to your soft, caring Din so quickly.

“Yeah. I am fine. You okay?” Din only nodded in response. You looked away from him, to the path in front of you before speaking again. “You know, I have to admit something.”

Din continued walking, staring into the environment around him. “What, cyar’ika?”

“I don’t know if this sounds bad, but that was kind of fun.” You smiled up at him.

Din stopped walking for just a moment, looking over at you and you could hear a chuckle pass through the modulator. “You did well.”

You winked at him before continuing to walk on, the Mandalorians boots crunching behind you as he followed. “Told you I was handy. Now let’s go find this Mandalorian.”

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#the mandalorian #din djarin #din djarin x reader #din djarin fanfiction #din djarin imagine #din djarin x female reader #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian season 2 spoilers #the mandalorian season 2 #the mandalorian imagine #sw #star wars fanfiction #star wars fanfic #star wars imagine #star wars #the mandalorian chapter nine

[meimae]

Look at me, not being on time for my April Immersion Overview as is the usual. (・w・;

First, little blog updates to get out of the way:

I reached 100 followers! Got an influx of people checking out my 1 year update post, and got plenty of nice compliments on my data collection.

For those of you wondering just why I keep up with so much data, it's mostly because it can get really hard to notice how much you're improving in a language especially with something like immersion learning that for people who don't get it feels like a waste of time or a time sink.

Graphs showing consistency, improvement in reading speed, increasing vocabulary counts, and generally just seeing numbers grow turns language learning more fun and motivating for me, and if as a bonus, it encourages someone to try immersion learning then that would be cool!

With that said, whether you're here as a fellow language learner, graphs enthusiast (笑), or just want some Japanese media recommendations, ようこそ! 

Also, made a tiny DP change - it’s チト from 少女週末旅行. Pretty sure it’s the first manga series I ever finished in Japanese (not the first one I started since ちはやふる is still ongoing), and I always felt a bit of a ☆connection☆ with  her - between her book-loving personality and being a no-nonsense kind of person, there was no way for me not to enjoy her character. Great beginner anime/manga if you’re not into most beginner recommendations.

-☆-

April has been a pretty good immersion month, as I was able to dip my toes in a variety of media. A bit competitive, too! The club I joined has been pulling all the stops to get to the Top 20 Immersion Leaderboard in it’s first month. I was able to snag the 9th spot among a bunch of people of different comprehension levels (the majority being N1+ since they’re able to comprehend much more and in turn stand longer immersion hours). Lots of tiny complaints though of potential “whitenoising” content (”listening” and “reading” but not comprehending very well just to get a large number to post), but really what can you do? People lie all the time on the internet. Besides, it’s internet points that doesn’t do anything beyond being a little shiny I guess.

Enough about that, let’s get into the nitty-gritty details you came here for!

ANIME

フルーツバスケット

Might need to rewatch this one. Felt like I didn’t connect with the characters the way the rest of its fandom has. I’m kinda sad about it, since I normally love Slice of Life and Fantasy, and I know this is one of my friend’s diehard shows.

ラブライブ! School Idol Project S2

A filler anime to watch tbh. Nice and easy enough to follow for beginners. Pretty good songs. With regards to it being a show about music and moe, I still 100% prefer K-On! if I’m going to be honest, but for a show about non-toxic idols, it’s good!

魔法少女まどか☆マギカ

First read this as English translated manga when I was 13 or something. Mistakes were made. Let’s all just agree to throw キュウベえ into a pit of fire and never talk about it again. Great ending and a show that really reworked the magical girl genre. But seriously, I was traumatized by マミ’s death then and now, help.

四月は君の嘘

Already knew what was going to happen even before watching this so I didn’t ugly cry like I was expecting. Still got that awful sinking feeling though. 10/10 would recommend for a good cry. Also, I’m planning to read the manga, might enjoy that more, because I’ve always liked it more than anime actually. *shocked pikachu face*

ホリミヤ

Watched before I even finished the manga which felt like a mistake at first until I realized that it perfectly stops where I stopped reading. Nice and comfy anime, the kind I would have loved as a teen. Fun animation too, making parts very dramatic even though it wasn’t really that deep of an issue even in the manga. Just teens feeling feelings. Still salty that we lose bad boy styled 宮村, but I get why it had to happen.

AUDIOBOOKS

氷菓

Second re-listen. I understand it fine, but it’s very easy to drift off when you can’t catch all the words so I had to replay often. Will have to mine more from the anime/book.

君の名は

I mined from the anime, and was really pleased to be able to follow all 6 hours of this audiobook perfectly fine. Will need to read the book, because I realized just how seamless reading it would be after listening to it with hardly any issue.

BOOKS

キッチェン

Completed! Read my thoughts about it and see my stats on this post.

君の膵臓を食べたい

Still trudging on with this one. It’s not a bad story, it’s pretty well written actually, I just made the mistake of watching both the anime and live adaptation first, so I know exactly what’s going to happen and it’s killing my motivation to keep reading. I guess reading the book first before watching the movie still applies in any language with me. Really need to 頑張れ and finish so I can move on. 

三日間の幸福

Started reading towards the end of the month, mostly because I realized that every chapter is only 5000-15000 characters long, and I was able to read up to 40k in a day with Island most days. Only two chapters read so far though because I got distracted by manga, but it’s shaping up to be a really good plot and potentially a really sad one, too, so I’m interested.

DRAMA

花ざかりの君たちへ イケメンパラダイス

Heard this was a classic so I gave it a try. Loved 生田 斗真’s character in this one the most especially all his internal dialogue acted out. Also, 小栗 旬 in anything is bound to be a good watch. Simple and fun watch. They dragged the ending so much though lmao 

ごくせん

Look, I see 松本 潤, I click. Definitely the kind of show you should watch for some great life advice. Planning to watch the 2nd and 3rd seasons even if there is a terrible lack of 松本 潤, because I love my strong female protagonists, and man, ヤンクミ is such a great character. Need to read the manga, too, if I can find it.

極主夫道

Oof, this was kind of hard. The yakuza talk was throwing me off, but the rest of it was enjoyable. Not really plot heavy as I thought it was going to be. The comedy side of it was fun and predictable after the first few episodes. Overall, pretty good slice of life, family story with a twist.

MANGA

Read a bunch of manga this month, mostly because I am struggling to find the next vn to read.

おやすみプンプン

Read a couple of volumes (6-7). This manga is so good, but it’s so depressing I need to stop to take a breather every once in a while. Please don’t leave any spoilers. The club has been reacting to me reading this, and it has mostly been a lot of crying emotes. It’s both been enjoyable to see and really worrying. 笑

チェンソーマン

Club recommendation. Only read the 1st volume so far. I really need to get into more 少年 anime/manga. That’s currently my 苦手 genre which is awful because literally all the top anime/manga is 少年 help. I just can’t enjoy it much still even though it’s comprehensible to me.

ちはやふる 中学生編

Read Vol. 1, chill read to me at this point after reading 45 volumes of the regular manga. Look, it’s my favorite 幼馴染 manga in baby format, of course I’m going to read this! 太一 has been a flake way before season 3 confirmed. Don’t come at me たいちはや stans bc I also like his character.

約束のネバーランド

Volume 7. I’m taking my sweet time with this one, because I heard the anime for season 2 sucked, so I’m avoiding it like the plague. This is 少年 how am I enjoying this and not everything else what.

ヲタクに恋は難しい

Enjoyed the anime hated the movie why did they make it a musical that sucked (ps i normally love musicals hated this one) 

The オタク jargon is kinda hard to read suprisingly but I do enjoy this ship very much. It’s a lighthearted take to otaku culture which is great because seriously it’s scary out there.

ツバサ -RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE-

It’s my childhood ship, obviously I will read this again (read in English several years ago). Still as plot twisty as I remember it being (now at a bonus hard level reading it in Japanese 笑). Really enjoyed reading this one (I finished it this May).

-☆-

I’m starting to really dislike furigana in manga. It was a great help as a beginner, but now it’s like training wheels that you can’t take off. I feel like the gains I’m getting from manga is much lower than it was when I first started which makes me both proud of how far I’ve come, but also sad because I love manga. Sad that I might have to start choose VNs over it, because it’s not going to challenge me as much going forward. I mean it didn’t stop me from reading a lot of it this month, but you get the picture.

VISUAL NOVELS

ISLAND

Completed! See my stats and read my long spoiler filled post here.

ファタモルガーナの館

Picked up this VN and finished two doors (15 hours) before stopping. On the fence about it, because it has been kind of predictable so far, and I don’t particularly enjoy the horror genre. That said, this is more psychological than anything, so it’s probably not that that’s putting me off. The language is not exactly difficult, too - maybe some oddly specific words because it is after all historical fiction (which is one of my favorite genres, btw), and 敬語 is definitely interesting to read for once after encountering so many お嬢様 characters in anime/drama so far. 

I think maybe it’s the conversations that are kind of dull - dots (silence) every few clicks that keeps breaking the flow of reading. Probably judging it really harshly too early, because it’s rated so high everywhere, and I just have high expectations. Definitely not dropping it yet though, just taking a break and testing a couple of other VNs before I settle with whatever I end up choosing. It is, after all, going to be another 50+ hour read, and I just don’t want to not enjoy the process, because having fun with the process is a huge part of immersion learning.

Let me know if you’ve read Fata and if I should continue! 

-☆-

That’s it for this month!

If you have any suggestions on what to watch and read next, please send me a reply, especially for VNs because I’m struggling over here.

#language learning #japanese language #language acquisition #study blog #langblr #studyblr #japanese #japanese studyblr #nihongo #anime #manga #books #audiobooks #visual novels #jdrama #oyasumi punpun #chainsaw man #chihayafuru #wotakoi #the promised neverland #tsubasa reservoir chronicle #fruits basket #love live #mahou shoujo madoka magika #horimiya #shigatsu wa kimi no uso #hanakimi #gokusen #gokushufudo: the way of the house husband #island visual novel

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Final Space, Season 3

Everybody that know me know that I’m high class #Quillective trash and my main thoughts and feelings go out to Quinn Ergon and Gary Goodspeed - precious Gemini gems, and of course the BABIES: Little Cato, Ash and Fox #NeshaLuhDaKids I had some attachment to Avocato once upon a time, but that n***a got on my LAST nerves this season, so we currently at “Do you, Boo” status by the end of S3, and eventually, yes, I’ma get to why that is. 

Disclaimer for somebody who stumbled across this post because of the fandom tags - I am an independent partaker of this content, not “part of the fandom,” and my audience in particular is NOT for everybody. SO: If you may have been criticized in the past for casual racism, tone deafness to Black women’s concerns or accused of misogynoir or antiblackness, leave now. 

If you don’t like cussing, AAVE, general ratchetness and mean lesbian energy, you too might wanna go. A bitch can be eloquent, but I type like I talk, at times, so it is what it is and I don’t curate for kids, dudes, or nonblacks. That’s just what that is.

I wanna start with Ash Graven. This season is about Ash more than anybody else, despite the fact that there was a lot of emphasis on Avocato’s toxic ass man pain and growth in Quinn and Gary’s relationship, ULTIMATELY, nobody in the crew did more coming into fruition as Ash did, and I have a lot to say about her, because I have a lot of feelings.

♡ Ash Graven

1. Ash is a kid. Lol. Everybody got very confused because of the unnecessary transformation that Invictus gave her. Ash did not “grow up,” her body was altered. That’s a fuckin kid in a woman’s body. A kid who has previously been living with survivor’s guilt, parental abuse/neglect/exploitation, chronic trauma, and a disastrous superpower that most people could not be trusted to carry. She’s a child having a coming of age moment in this season that is mostly molded in manipulation. If you hate on Ash, go fuck yourself. ESPECIALLY if I’ve caught you stanning other characters who have been shit characters, in this fandom or not. Ash was dealt a shit hand and nobody had her back but her brothers, and she’s done what she could and thought was best to care for them. Anybody that missed that - just don’t have kids, K.

2. Ash has no parental guidance. As far as she knows, the only adults who have ever had her back are dead and the ones that she’s stuck with now, she GAVE a chance to try to trust them. She gave Quinn a chance to try to see some of Nightfall (the only adult that we’ve seen not exploit her) in her. She gave Gary a chance by choosing him over Clarence, when she had to make a choice. She even gave Clarence’s ass another chance - with which he responded by dying to not fail her. Now, she has Gary, who just a few days or weeks ago, idek, forced her to try to summon her powers while she was both injured and also upset over having to leave her brother behind - TO SAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND! And she got snatched away in the process and left behind with the enemy, to be mentally assaulted and returned changed, only to have them not trust her.

I love Quinn too. I love her dearly. But the facts were that she was dying and having an episode that nobody could really help with, and Gary didn’t take the time or consideration to think about the stress that he was putting on Ash by putting her in the position to make her feel like she needed to save Quinn for him. Whether or not she was the only one who could, that is a lot to put on a child, and not only did he do it, but he didn’t even seem to think that hard about it whenever he then left her ass. Sure, he was glad when she was returned, but that was a fucked up situation that yet another adult put her into, and the first thing that he should have wanted to do when seeing her was to apologize and try to make it right. It was a huge miscalculation to treat her as a potential enemy that he and Avocato needed to vet. EVEN IF that’s what she was to them, both of them should have had the sense to assess while still treating her as the kid that they supposedly knew.

3. Most of her trauma has been recent and continuous. She looked up to Nightfall, watched her die, and had a meltdown. The events from Season 2 (with Clarence almost killing Fox and leaving him to die, her leaving his side to help out, seeing that Sheryl was treacherous to her own son, losing Nightfall), and the events that are taking place in Season 3 are only in the span of a few months.

They were only stranded for a month whenever we see them surviving together. That girl has had more happen to her to hurt her than to help her and nobody around her BUT Little Cato has been sensitive to that. And they are all fucking adults.

These things being noted - changing Ash’s design was the absolute worse fucking thing. Aging a girl up to make the bad things that follow more palatable is what that seems to be. Ash is still a kid. And THEN, they allegedly made her a queer kid. I say allegedly, because that “reveal” was so poorly done and subtle and weak that I, an almost 40 year old queer, didn’t realize that that’s what they meant whenever they said that they were gonna reveal somebody as a character who is part of the LGBT community.

So... FS production just gon’ decide not only to transform her body into that of a woman, when her mind is still full on traumatized child and hormonal teenager, but also, she likes girls, and they didn’t even do it in a cohesive way that added to the story. They threw it in, like, “BTW, she likes girls, and also, she’s full grown now.” then immediately went for the “Villain” lever, and bitches just ate that shit up. Fuck y’all, forreal. 

& Fox

He didn’t deserve that shit. And, I know a lot of people felt that he was pointless and boring, but his ass was sweet and caring and searching for love and acceptance. As a background character, I liked him. But, he was literally just fodder for Ash’s downfall, which was unfair and problematic, considering that his ass is definitely Black coded. Don’t play. He was voiced by a Black man, spoke with a blaccent, and definitely would be read as Black if you wasn’t looking at him and seeing an alien. They gave him a sacrificial negro trope, the big friendly negro that can kill you but loves everybody trope, and they used his death to just push some narrative forward to set up the one verified queer character as a villain. They got they ass in a vehicle and rolled right over another Black character, and another queer character. Chile...

 ♡ Little Cato!!!

My precious have not been getting some good for too long, and I have had it. He’s not focused on so much this season as he is in the background of other people’s stories, but a very important takeaway is and will always be that Little Cato, aside from Fox, really was the only one here who consistently treated her like she mattered, so it made a lot of sense that he could be the catalyst for her finally having ENOUGH with these people.

I really wish that he could have found out the truth about his past from Avocato, because that’s really who OWED him that truth, but Ash did the thing that I’d expect and told him, to be honest with him. She even told him that Avocato wanted to tell him and that she took that right away from him, because she didn’t believe he deserved it, and I’m respecting her for that, too. I wish she could see how much it hurt Little Cato for her to try to take him away from his home. 

Little Cato has lived before, for a while, and he’s not mature enough to behave as a man, but he at least has a loving foundation to draw from, and having had that support, this is more of his home than it is Ash’s. He doesn’t know how to explain that to her, and she doesn’t know how to understand that for him. Just a tragic situation for two kids with a lot of problems.

♡ Quinn Ergon & Gary Goodspeed

Quinnary notes that might not be featured in the BFCD Reviews by Nesha:  (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) rundown - 

I've had two favorite parts of this season so far and they're very mediocre things that you wouldn't think would be like my favorite part but they are. One of them was that the first thing Gary does when she wakes up is to ask her about her sister (someone obviously very important to her who he's previously promised to allow to let live through Quinn's memory and says he wants to hear about her when he's trying to keep Quinn from dying). Because... He really did care and wasn't just saying something to keep her.

Quinn's mother fucked her up in a way that is so frustrating because Black mamas really will traumatize you about their younger kids. That shit hurt. You showed your daughter dead bodies to make her think about that in the event that your other daughter might be in battle? Bitch wtf

Whenever we say that Black girls are programmed to put everybody ahead of us, that's unfortunately not just including Society, it's in households too. And Quinn comes from this place where that is her reality... Then she meets Gary and he doesn't even register for her as anything special. He doesn't appear impressive or incredible in any way... But he (admittedly) weirdly locks on to her and shares himself - thinking that he's showing himself to her, and ultimately he DOES. And he wants to see her too, beyond all this, who she is, at her most humane. He wants to know about her sister. About someone who mattered to her enough to have the helm of her trauma when she was out of touch with reality. Very soft. Very sweet.

The other was when they were talking about how they met and stuff and Gary absolutely cringed thinking about how corny he was when he approached this woman. A lot of dudes never do that. The complaint of earlier seasons that Gary was overbearing, obsessive and creepy , if you missed the fact that he has terrible abandonment issues from his father’s death and his mother’s rejection, here we have him, in his adult state, looking back at the way he was and being embarrassed about it, and that’s growth!

A close third is whenever at the beginning of the Season he says "Quinn it's been a month eventually you have to open up to me about what you've been through" and she says "I will in time" and he respects it but he reiterates that he's there whenever she needs him. I don't think that people realize how revolutionary that kind of statement is especially for a character like Quinn to hear - who has always felt like she had to take charge, had to take the lead, had to make the sacrifice.

Even when she realized that she was dying, she didn't want to burden him with the information. Not even like ‘a thing that she knew if that could help prevent it and she didn't want him to have to go after it,’ but... she didn't even want him to have to deal with knowing about it!

Maybe she thought that she would just drop, maybe she didn't realize that he was going to have to see her in that condition. And then once she realized that he was going to have to see her in that condition one of the first things she says is "I should have told you." Girl is on her deathbed wishing she had done it differently, for Gary's benefit.

I saw somebody on Twitter tried to come for her about not going to Gary after he killed Fox (you know, shortly after her surgery to save her from the very brink of death, and listen... Quinn comes to see about Gary when she can. She’s done it several times. In fact, I’ma make a whole POST about Quinn and Gary moments SPECIFICALLY to point out to haters in the main tag - where they got Quinn Ergon, and by extension, me, FUCKED UP.

Stop Playing in Quinn Face

HI! HELLO. ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS SEASON IS THAT QUINN AND GARY JUST FUCKED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANKS. OK. Back 2 bidness

See.. after Gary and Quinn got over the humps of Quinn’s Final Space poisoning... everyone got it... nobody told her until Avocato was mad and told her during a lash out, and let me say something about Avocato’s fucking audacity this season... 

♡ Avocato (Note: His name is A-V-O-C-A-T-O. Some of y’all be tryna stan and y’all can’t even spell his name.)

I done seent Avacata, Avocata... That’s not that dude name. Be writing whole ass expositions about some other Ventrexian n*gga. Hope this helps:

AVOCATO. Listen, boy. YOU decided to be a traitor to your people and your king and queen. YOU decided to dedicate your cause to the Lord Commander and lied to your son his entire life about killing his parents, raising him, and never talking to him about it.

Yet and STILL - whenever you had the chance to finally tell him, you ain’t do the shit. Lord Commander gave you the perfect ass opportunity - WHEN IT CAME UP, and even then, with that boy looking you dead in the face and being glad that now he knows everything... you ain’t Ventrexian man up.

Then, whenever you were supposed to be checking on Gary after his traumatic murder fight with Fox and Invictus, you turned it around and literally made it about you. attacking him in the process and only after a physical fight did you apologize. (And y’all still didn’t get back to what had happened to Gary, which was no real fault of his own). 

Fast forward to after you willingly agreed to stay behind and fight and y’all lost. Now, it was Quinn’s turn to be the center of your blame and you lashed out at her because everybody is dying, despite the fact that y’all agreed to stay behind and fight, nobody even told her that y’all were sick, AND you still wasn’t 100 with Little Cato. 

You just had a lot of mothafuckin audacity this season, Avocato, and I personally was not here for the shit. Even when Ash blasted yo ass, your main thought was to threaten to kill her if she took Little Cato, instead of assuring her that despite what you’ve done, Little Cato was safe with you. No, she wouldn’t have listened to you. But, the words you chose tell us about who you are and how you are. You a war mongering killer that don’t ever take responsibility for his shit, and even in those brief moments that you do, its always somebody else’s problem. 

I’da thunk that LC getting snatched away would be humbling for you, but I guess you were chosen by the writers for minimal growth. Bye, Avocato. Witcha bitch ass. We is not cool right now, but you do you. Hope you find some growth up there in ya ass, where ya head been. 😁 Can’t believe I mourned yo ass. You coulda stayed dead as hell.

FINALE NOTES:

OK BITCH OK THIS FINALE WAS HYPE!

Let me pull it up so that I can liveblog it for the shit that I need to conclude this journey. 

We start out after Ash done took Little Cato and burnt off. Gary and AVOCATO done said they finna go get they son. Chile, I cannot handle Biskit voice. I like that lil’ dude but ya voice, Mane. I can’t with it. 

OK OK OK... Whenever Quinn comes up to Gary to talk to him and say potential goodbyes, she look like she wanna say some and that makes me think about whenever she looked like she wanted to say something in season 1 and didn’t. Quinn as grown a lot in her feelings for Gary, but she still has that hard time with talking about her feelings, but I love that you can see them in her face.

Chile... these folk was kinda taking they time gettin started, huh? Knuckas, do y’all remember that everybody finna die of FS poisoning? Lol. Also... why didn’t they start hallucinating and shit? I guess its not until it covers ya face? 

NIGHTFALL. 😥 I love you, Sis. I miss you. But, “Because I’m you and WE think of everything...” YES. I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT! EVERYBODY EXPECTS QUINN TO THINK OF EVERYTHING AND WHENEVER THEY DON’T THINK OF THE THINGS, SHE GETS BLAMED FOR MAKING THE TOUGH DECISIONS THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD EVEN MAKE. Underappreciated, really. And people still mark Nightfall as a villain, despite the fact that she not only sacrificed herself, but also came specifically to help another Gary. Sidenote - Nightfall didn’t actually pursuit Quinn’s Gary until Quinn was trapped in Final Space and she thought she got a signal from him. So, I’m still salty AF that she been labelled as a villain just because people don’t like her, when her actions have all been to try to help. Here is no difference. She thought of the things that she didn’t think a younger version of her would think of, and left it for Quinn to find. Nightfall be on RNS, and most of y’all didn’t deserve her.

Quinn’s identity crisis is so sad, but I liked that Nightfall EVEN thought about that. And Sheryl... you kinda starting to grow on me. I hate to give shitty mothers who find compassion in old chance a try, but she do seem to really be giving it a go. 

Ash is so fucked up that she rushes right into the devil’s arms. This reminds me of when trafficking victims go back to their abusers because they don’t have the resources to adjust in the system. 😪 She REALLY believes what she’s saying. She really feels like Little Cato is safer with Invictus with the Team Squad. That’s sad as fuck, bruh. 

THE. ACTING. AND. ARTWORK. IN. THIS. CONFRONTATION. SCENE.

Avocato... I’m proud of you for FINALLY taking responsibility ad opening up about it. Little Cato’s reaction is precisely how kids in the system are, as well. They wanna be at home with their parents, no matter who their parents are or what they’ve done. and Avocato meant what he said and did what I referred to earlier as “Ventraxian man up.”

“I’m sorry we failed you,” from Gary was so important. Because, they technically did fail her. Had Ash seen the same amount of love from Gary as she’s seen him give to others, she might have been more receptive to the truth and less susceptible to lies. But, as she had just said earlier, it was too late for kind words. She’s currently beyond accepting them from him. For a brief moment, it breaks through, but without that ability to know love from an adult properly, she can’t accept that apology right now.

H.U.E. with his big robot, Lord Commander...EYE. There’s so much happening right now bitch processing has left the room girl. Biskit did so damn much this episode. And it was good to see everybody on the team have a moment to help things, instead of like one person having to handle the bulk of things. 

Quinn’s begging voice... its such a contrast from whenever she sent out the SOS in season 1 and was afraid and angry. Like... the desperation here shows her softness. 

Ash’s RAGE Bitch...

Gary’s “I love you...” She looked so happy! And then she just sat with it. I feel like she definitely loves him too, but she doesn’t communicate that way. But, her FACE. She was just... did she think that he didn’t before, or was she just speechless because she didn’t expect to hear it? Because, we gotta be real... Sis probably has not ever heard those words from anybody before. And that first time, when it’s really there is a DOOZIE. She had an abusive mother, a seemingly jealous or competitive sister, and we saw how nobody in the Infinity Guard respected her ass when she was serving them the real. I think this is the first time she’s been in love or felt it and when Gary said it, she had to collect herself. The way she ran to him and jumped into his arms??? SHIPPING CRACK. And Mooncake was a part of their hug too. I have a lot of feelings about this dynamic since Quinn and Mooncake are the only characters that we’ve seen Gary have these “love at first sight” reactions to and Mooncake is the first character that I recall Quinn being nice to in S1. 

So.. my heart was very full when they ripped it from my chest moments later. Mooncake has been watching Team Squad members be self sacrificing for a little while now, and he loves his family and Gary so much that he rushes straight towards danger. (Sure, I don’t think that he estimated how powerful Ash could be at this moment), but he had to at least consider that he might be caught or left behind.

Bitch, Ash is GONE. She said, “Fuck all y’all!” Not knowing whether or not Mooncake is destroyed makes it very hard for me to know how much I can stand this, but I also want to hope that he is gonna survive. Quinn having to make the decision to lightfold is hella sad, but even though Gary is destroyed, he has to know that this is exactly how Ash must’ve felt whenever he had to make the call to leave Fox behind. She hated to do that to Gary. She even seemed more regretful about it than Gary did whenever he had to leave Fox and when he left Ash. Sure, its because she loves him more than he loved Fox and Ash, but its a terrible position to be in to have to hurt somebody you love like that. On the other hand, they gave her hella shit for them not escaping when could have the first time, so naturally, she was going to make this decision. 

It very much sucks that Invictus is free and my brain can’t eeem FATHOM what that means for everything and everybody, but the Final Space poisoning left the Team Squad’s system, so maybe there is a rejuvenation of some sort in Invictus’ power? Or does Final Space poisoning leave your system as soon as you leave Final Space? I don’t think that was clarified. 

Anyways, I still don’t hate Ash. Y’all can say whatever about it, but I see sad white boys get forgiven all day every day on this site, and I’m upset, but I’m not letting my baby go. I’m not cheering her on, but unless she dies, I’m gonna hope for the best for her, like I said here. 

DAMN this season was some shit. Ionknow if I’m emotionally capable of watching another season of Final Space in progress. If they make it back for another season, I will most likely just wait until the end to dive in and let them shock my senses all at once instead of on a weekly goddamn basis, because GODDAMN GODDAMN GODDDAMN!

@andromidagalaxie @daintyurbanprincess @shslargue @space-finally​  The Quinnary Moments Masterlist probably won’t be ready by Quinn’s birthday, since her birthday is the day before Juneteenth, but I’ve started on a little fic that I might have the first installment of posted by then. We shall see. 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Here is my JOURNEY during my first watch of the first two seasons of the show. (I watched Season 3 in progress and waited until it was over to write up this review) and my probably incoherent tag of whenever I do me a lil’ liveblogging: Nesha Watches Final Space, and here is my review on Quinnary: BFCD Reviews by Nesha: (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) FINAL SPACE

#Final Space #BFCD Reviews by Nesha #Nesha Watches Final Space #Nesha Watches #Quinn Ergon #Quinn Ergon commentary #Final Space season 3 #Final Space spoilers #long post