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Star Trek Episode 1.21: The Return of the Archons

AKA: In Star Trek, Neural Network Trains You

Our episode begins with two men running frantically down a deserted, old-fashioned-looking street. The men look a bit old-fashioned themselves, wearing tall boots, waistcoats and tricorne hats, but when one of them trips and falls we see that the other one, stopping to help him up, is Sulu. In and of itself I wouldn’t find this terribly surprising since I just assume 19th-century themed LARPing is the kind of thing Sulu does on his days off, but they both look pretty freaked, so there’s probably something else going on here.

“O’Neil, we’ve got to keep going,” Sulu says, but O’Neil’s feeling a bit less plucky about the situation. “It’s no use, they’re everywhere!” he bemoans as the two of them back up against what appears to be a store window, albeit one completely empty of any merchandise. The desperate urgency of this statement is somewhat undercut by the fact that the camera then shows us all of one person, an anonymous figure wearing a brown hooded robe and carrying a big metal rod, pursuing them down the otherwise empty street. I say ‘pursuing’ but really, it’s more of a mosey than anything.

“Captain gave us an order! We’ve got to find some clue!” Sulu admonishes O’Neil, but O’Neil only reiterates that “It’s no use!” Then he points out another hooded figure approaching from a different direction. Oh, there’s two of them? Oh, well, I stand corrected. You’re definitely screwed.

[ID: An empty street with a large, old stone building at one end, in front of which a single figure in a brown hooded robe is standing.]

ahhhhh the endless hordes ohhhh nooooo

While Sulu and O’Neil are standing around waiting patiently to be cornered by the slowly advancing figures, Sulu kills some time by calling the ship to get them beamed up. Specifically, he calls the bridge, gets Kirk, and tells Kirk they need to be beamed up so that Kirk can then call the transporter room and tell them that the landing party needs to be beamed up, because just calling the transporter room directly might actually have gotten them out of there in time. Naturally, as soon as the situation calls for them to stay where they are so they can get beamed out, O’Neil immediately changes his mind and decides that actually he’d quite like to run away. Sulu yells after him desperately, but it’s no use; O’Neil has scarpered, leaving Sulu to face the approaching figure alone. The very slowly approaching figure.

Despite Sulu’s heroic last stand (heavier on the ‘stand’ than the ‘heroic,’ it must be said), one of the hooded figures manages to reach him, threateningly raising the big length of metal pipe they’re carrying to...gently tap him on the shoulder with it. Evidently this has more serious effects than Sulu being declared It now, because there’s an ominous sound effect and Sulu goes rigid for a moment. Then his expression turns into a blank, empty grin just as he finally gets beamed up.

Upon arrival, our still-grinning navigator staggers somewhat drunkenly on the transporter pad as Kirk hurries in, wanting to know what’s going on, and where’s O’Neil? Yeah, Mr. Transporter Man, where is O’Neil? This need for people to remain perfectly still for the transporter to lock on to them has rather suddenly come out of nowhere, considering a few episodes ago they were able to pluck a man flying a jet fighter out of the sky with no trouble. O’Neil might have run off pretty quick but I rather doubt he was traveling faster than an F-104. Damn thing must be on the fritz again.

Neither Sulu nor the transporter operator answer Kirk’s questions. Sulu just looks at him dreamily and says, “What? Who?” I don’t know what the transporter operator’s excuse is. Then Sulu looks a little more focused (it’s a very low bar) and says, “You’re not of the Body.”

At this point Kirk quite sensibly decides to ctrl-alt-del this entire conversation and just calls for McCoy to get down here pronto. Meanwhile, Sulu has rounded on a nearby blueshirt who’s just hanging out in the transporter room for some unknown reason, and starts yelling, “You, you did it! They knew we were Archons. These are the clothes they wear, not these!” (So, are you saying those clothes were...anarchonistic?) Then he throws his tricorne at the blueshirt and starts taking off his coat for good measure, because taking off his clothes is just how Sulu reacts to being under alien influences. This time he doesn’t get quite as far as in The Naked Time, though, getting distracted partway through by some thought that makes him look up to the ceiling and start grinning again while saying, “Landru...Landru...”

Kirk manages to get Sulu to sit down on the transporter pad and attempts to pry some kind of useful information out of him, but all he gets is some rambling about how “They’re wonderful, the sweetest people in the universe...” and “It’s paradise, my friend.”

McCoy gets there in the middle of this and reacts about how you’d expect.

[ID: McCoy raising an eyebrow and glancing to the side in bewilderment while saying “da fuck.”]

“Sulu, where’s O’Neil?” Kirk asks once again.

“Paradise...” Sulu says happily.

We never get to find out what McCoy considers to be the appropriate medical response to this situation, because at that point the scene cuts to the titles. Afterward we get a captain’s log to shed a very small amount of light on the situation:

“While orbiting planet Beta 3 trying to find some trace of the starship Archon that disappeared here a hundred years ago, a search party consisting of two Enterprise officers were sent to the planet below. Mr. Sulu has returned, but in a highly agitated mental state. His condition requires I beam down with an additional search detail.”

I don’t know if I would call that agitated, per se. It’s sort of the opposite of agitated, really. But never mind that, let’s talk about the fact that the Enterprise has been sent to investigate the whereabouts of a ship that vanished a century ago. At that point we’re well past there being any chance of actually helping any survivors and into ‘historical mystery’ territory. Sure, it’d be good to find out what happened, but was there really not anything of higher priority for the Enterprise, of all ships, to be doing? This is like telling an active Navy cruiser to stop everything and go look for the USS Cyclops. (Look it up.)

Well, Archon or no Archon, there’s clearly something weird going on here and whatever it is ate our best navigator’s brain, so there’s only one thing to do: send even more critical personnel down right into the middle of it to check it out. So Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three other dudes we don’t know beam down all dolled up in what could be called period dress as long as you don’t ask too many questions about exactly what period it is. Special shout-out to Spock, who’s chosen to hide his ears in the most conspicuous manner possible:

[ID: A landing party of six men assembled in two rows on an old-fashioned city street. In the front stand McCoy, wearing a a gray suit with a black bolo tie and carrying a medical case; Kirk, wearing a dark blue coat over suit pants, a patterned gray waistcoat, and a black bolo tie; and Spock, wearing a black knee-length cloak with a square hood over gray suit pants and dress shoes. In the back row are three more crewmembers wearing similar clothing.]

SPOCK SMOCK SPOCK SMOCK SPOCK SMOCK

Incidentally, if any of these streets and buildings look familiar, it’s because the exterior of the town was filmed at RKO 40 Acres, the same multi-purpose backlot that provided the set for Miri, which you may recall also served as the town of Mayberry in The Andy Griffith Show. It kinda makes me wonder if the Andy Griffith crew ever got annoyed at the Star Trek crew for trashing their town multiple times.

As the party gets their bearings, a man holding one hand to his chest wanders past, apparently too busy staring dreamily into the distance to take any notice of the new arrivals. Spock and Kirk take immediate notice of how much this resembles the state Sulu was in. “If everyone on this planet is like him...” Kirk muses, but doesn’t bother giving us the end to that sentence. Probably it wasn’t supposed to be “...then where can I get some?” but that’s the first thing to come to mind.

They head off down the street, and soon encounter another local wearing the same vacant expression, and also a bowler hat. This one actually stops and addresses them, though, saying, “Joy to you, friends,” with the hand-on-chest gesture the first guy was doing. Well, when in Rome, etc, so Kirk also puts his hand on his chest and replies, “Joy to you,” while behind him Spock chimes in with a distinctly half-hearted attempt at the same gesture.

The local continues, “You be strangers. Come for the festival, are ya?” For some reason the actor here has chosen to go with the most goofily over-enunciated accent he could possibly manage. It sticks out like a sore thumb because no one else in the town sounds remotely like that; they tend to sound a bit spacey, but nothing more than that. Indeed, I’m quite sure that no real existing human being has ever naturally sounded like this dude. But hey, I guess that’s one way to make your five minutes of screen time memorable.

Kirk’s happy to go with this conveniently offered explanation for their presence. Sure! Festival! Definitely! That is definitely why we are here, absolutely.

The guy then asks if they have a place to “sleep it off” yet. When Kirk shakes his head, the guy suggests they go find the house of someone called Reger. “He’s got rooms...but you’ll have to hurry. It’s almost the Red Hour.” Oh, that sounds...fun.

Sure enough there’s a clock on the nearby building reading about two minutes to six, which is barely enough time to put directions to Reger’s house into Wayz, let alone to get there. Unfortunately the party is still trapped in the iron grip of small talk with a dude who clearly sees no reason whatsoever to draw any association between “you’ll have to hurry” and “now it’s time to stop casually chatting.” But that’s small towns for you. I have occasionally come pretty close to having to gnaw my own arm off to escape conversations at the library check-out desk, and were meteors to start falling outside I would not expect the lady scanning my books to speed up one little bit.

At that moment, a couple of women come drifting serenely down the sidewalk nearby, giving Bowler Hat the chance to rope even more people into the conversation. “Tula, these folks come for the festival,” he says to one of them. “Your daddy can put them up, can’t he?” Tula, who looks slightly less spacey than Bowler Hat (a low bar) asks if the party is from the valley. One of the three as-yet-anonymous crewmembers, eager to make a contribution, chimes in that they’ve just arrived. Sure is convenient that everyone around here only asks leading questions.

Tula says sure, her dad would be happy to put them up. But it’s too late: just as she says this, the clock begins tolling six. The effect on the town is immediate. Tula, Bowler Hat, and everyone else in sight break into a frenzy, screaming, throwing hats and gloves, hitting each other, breaking things, and generally rampaging like an Instant Angry Mob, Just Add Water. The stunned landing party run for cover while people go wild all around them. Unfortunately one of them does get beaned by a remarkably soft bit of debris in the process.

[ID: A gif showing the landing party, led by Kirk, running through a street while various debris gets thrown around. One piece hits one of the crewmen in the head, causing him to throw his hands up, but not stop running.]

They find a nearby building to run into, quickly close the door, and only then turn around to see three very confused older men standing there staring at them. Kirk apologizes for bursting in on them, explaining that they weren’t prepared for “this kind of a welcome.” One of the men asks if they’re strangers and Kirk says yes, they came from the valley and they’re here for the festival. This answer doesn’t seem to satisfy the men as well as it did Bowler Hat, though, because the speaker asks, “How come you here?” Before Kirk can try to answer this, one of the crewmembers (the same one who spoke before, of course; what, you think they could afford to have all three of them talk? Talking’s expensive!) asks if the guy is Reger. The guy says yes, and then confirms that Tula is his daughter. “Well you better do something!” the ‘shirt yells. “She’s outside!”

Reger, however, doesn’t look at all taken aback by this news, just sad. “I know,” he says. “It’s Festival. It’s the will of Landru.”

At that point, one of Reger’s companions interrupts, pointing out that these new strangers are “young men, not old enough to be excused.” Oh, that’s okay, we’ve got McCoy here, he can write everyone a quick doctor’s note. Reger points out that they’re visitors, but the other man isn’t about to be content with that. “Well, have they no lawgivers in the valley?” he demands. “Why be they not at the festival?”

Rather than attempt to navigate the weird backroads of this conversation any further, Kirk aims to distract by telling Reger that they heard he might have some rooms for them. Reger looks relieved at this. “You see, Hacom?” he tells the complaining man. “They’ve merely come looking for a place to rest afterwards.” Hacom is still not appeased: “The Red Hour has already struck!”

The third man steps in then and tries to help soothe Hacom, telling him that “the valley has different ways.” But Hacom’s got a good head of outrage built up by now and he’s not about to concede it for anyone. “Do you say that Landru is not everywhere?!” he demands, with much the same kind of self-righteous huffiness of a man bitching out a Starbucks barista for wishing him happy holidays instead of merry Christmas.

“No, of course not,” the third man says, still gamely trying to defuse things. “It’s simply that they have different ways.”

“They’ve come looking for shelter,” Reger says, with what he clearly hopes is a sense of finality. “Can I turn them away?”

He turns and makes as if to lead the landing party up the nearby stairs, but the concerned ‘shirt stops him and asks again about Tula. “She is in Festival, as you should be!” Hacom snaps. As Reger finally manages to get the landing party upstairs Hacom turns to the remaining man and says that “the Lawgivers should know.” He is distinctly not amused when the other man tries to point out that surely the Lawgivers already know since they’re infallible, which Hacom takes as mockery toward the Lawgivers. “The strangers are not of the Body!” he yells as he stalks outside in a huff. “You will see!”

Upstairs, Reger has taken the party to a room with several beds, where he putters around opening the windows (revealing that somehow, full dark has fallen in the five minutes or so that they’ve been inside) and saying that the group can come back there after Festival, when they’ll be in need of rest. Kirk tells him they have no intention of attending Festival. This leaves Reger stunned and confused, but not nearly as stunned and confused as he is a moment later when Kirk says that he’d like to know more about the Festival, and about this ‘Landru’ person. At that, Reger freaks out, slamming the window closed again and spluttering incoherently before finally managing to say “Well...you’re strange.” Then he tries to ask, “Are you...are you...” but can’t quite make it. Undaunted by this, Kirk asks about Landru once again, causing Reger to freak out even more.

Outside, meanwhile, it’s still total chaos. Things are on fire, people are screaming, the works. Special shout-out to the guy who just straight-up throws himself through an entire window.

[ID: A gif showing a man running past a glass window with a chair right before another man runs up and jumps through the window, shattering the glass.]

And now, the weather.

By the time we cut back to the landing party, some time seems to have passed, as Reger is absent and Kirk is busy brooding at the window. Having evidently seen enough, he turns back to the group and says, “My guess is we have until morning. Let’s put the time to good use.” He tells McCoy to take some readings to see if there’s anything in the air that might account for all this and Lindstrom—the ‘shirt who was concerned about Tula—to “correlate everything that you’ve seen with any other sociological parallels, if any.” Oh man, Lindstrom got the hard homework. Kirk then turns to Spock and says, “You and I have some serious thinking to do. When we leave here tomorrow, I want to have a plan of action.”

Apparently all that thinking really takes it out of you, because the next thing we see is the gas lamp by the door having burned out, while in the interim almost everyone has passed out on some piece of furniture or another. Kirk remains somewhat awake, leaning half-asleep against the post of the bunk bed with a blanket wrapped around him, while Spock is laying flat on his back on a top bunk with his hands on his chest and his eyes wide open like Dracula. I don’t know he’s awake or if that’s just how Spock sleeps. Could go either way.

Kirk meanders sleepily over to the window and looks out. The rioting is still going strong, even though the sun has risen and the town clock is reading a few minutes to six. As the clock strikes six a moment later, the people below all suddenly freeze where they are. Then they all begin to calmly meander off in different directions, the rioting over just as abruptly as it began.

Kirk goes to wake up/get the attention of Spock, then rouses Lindstrom and then McCoy, who’s fallen asleep in some kind of chair-bed thing. The silence is suddenly broken by the sound of a woman crying loudly downstairs, which accelerates the waking-up process considerably. Everyone hastens downstairs to see Reger holding Tula, who’s sobbing hysterically, while Reger’s friend from last night hovers awkwardly patting her on the shoulder and such. McCoy gently pulls Tula away into another room, and when Reger tries to follow Kirk stops him, saying, “He’ll give her a shot, it’ll calm her down. Trust us.” Yeah, Reger! Trust the total strangers to medicate your daughter! What could go wrong?

Lindstrom breaks in angrily, demanding to know what kind of father Reger is that he didn’t even attempt to rescue Tula last night. Reger helplessly says that it was Landru’s will. Lindstrom, I know you’re righteously angry right now, but there’s a thing called “making half an effort to blend in with the locals so they don’t cut your head off.” Here, let Kirk show you how it’s done.

[ID: Kirk standing slightly behind Reger, a concerned looking middle-aged white man with brown hair in a dark gray suit, and another, older white man with gray hair and a similar suit. Kirk is saying, “What about Landru? Who is he?”]

oh for fuck’s sake

“So it’s true then,” Reger’s friend says. “You didn’t attend the festival last night?” No, Kirk says. “Then you’re not of the Body,” Reger muses. “You couldn’t be...”

The two of them hurry off in consternation, and the rest of the party follows, into the side room where McCoy and Spock have taken Tula. Speaking of Tula, she’s now thoroughly passed out. Evidently McCoy wasn’t kidding around with that shot.

“Are you...are you Archons?” Reger asks Kirk.

“What if we are?” Kirk replies, smoothly sidestepping out of that minefield of a question.

“It was said more would follow,” Reger says uncertainly. “If you are indeed--”

“We must hide them, quickly,” his friend interrupts. “The Lawgivers--” Kirk tries to assure him that they can take care of themselves, but assured he is not. “Landru will know,” he says. “He will come.”

Turns out that wasn’t hyperbole, because all of about two seconds later, a couple of the same brown-hooded figures that were harassing Sulu and O’Neil come bursting into the room, metal rods at the ready.

[ID: The landing party along with Reger and his friend all assembled in an old-fashioned sitting room and looking towards the doors, which are flanked by two men wearing brown hooded robes and carrying tall metal rods.]

NOBODY EXPECTS THE LAWGIVER INQUISITION

Accompanying them is Hacom, the damn narc, who smugly proclaims that Reger’s friend has been mocking the Lawgivers, and also those punks over there didn’t attend Festival like good citizens. “Tamar. Stand Clear,” one of the Lawgivers intones at Reger’s friend, in a robotic and slightly reverb-y voice. Both Reger and Tamar look stricken, but after a moment Tamar slowly says, “I hear and obey the voice of Landru,” and steps out in front of Reger. The Lawgiver raises their Rod of Lordly Might and the end of it fizzles and pops like a handful of cheap sparklers, which is probably exactly what it was. Tamar collapses on the spot, dead.

As Reger and Kirk grab Tamar and gently lower him to the ground, the Lawgiver speaks again. “You. Attacked. The Body. You Have Heard The Word. And Disobeyed. You Will Be Exterminated Absorbed.”

“What do you mean, absorbed?” Kirk asks. I’m going to give you a tip for free here: if someone tells you “you will be absorbed” that is not the time to stand around asking questions. Get out of there and you can figure out the details later, cause one thing you can be sure of is that there is no scenario where that could possibly end up being a good thing.

Hacom immediately crows that this is proof the strangers are “not of the Body” but the Lawgivers don’t seem to pay him any attention. “You Will Be Absorbed,” Kirk is told. “The Good Is All. Landru Is Gentle. You Will Come.”

After the break, Kirk, still looking unimpressed by all this, tells the Lawgivers, “We’re not going anywhere.”

“It Is The Law,” the Lawgiver tells him. “You Must Come.”

“I said we’re not going anywhere,” Kirk repeats calmly, while Reger clings onto his arm with a look of absolute terror.

But instead of resorting to force, the Lawgivers turn to face each other and just stand there for a moment. “Evidently they’re not prepared to deal with outright disobedience,” Spock notes curiously. “How did you know?” Kirk replies that everything they’ve seen so far indicates that the people in this place have a compulsive stimulus of some kind towards actions beyond their control, so he banked on the Lawgivers not being able to deal with people who couldn’t just be ordered around. Absolutely nobody feels inclined to take advantage of this brief respite by, say, climbing out the convenient nearby window or anything.

Eventually the Lawgivers turn back to the party. “It Is Clear That You Simply Did Not Understand,” the speaking one says. “I Will Rephrase. You Are Ordered To Accompany Us To The Absorption Chambers.”

“Why did you kill that man?” Kirk demands.

“Out Of Order,” the Lawgiver says. “You Will Obey. It Is The Word Of Landru.”

“You tell Landru,” Kirk says, “that we’ll come in our own time and we’ll speak to him.” Then he grabs the Lawgiver’s staff and hands it to Spock, who starts poking around with it.

“You Cannot,” the Lawgiver says. “It Is Landru.”

At this point Hacom evidently loses his nerve and rushes out of the room, whimpering, “Landru!” Meanwhile, Spock observes that the Lawgiver’s staff is just an empty tube without any kind of mechanism inside it.

The Lawgivers have to stop and buffer once again, only this time they’re making a strange noise. “They’re communing,” Reger says. “We have time, come with me.” He can take them to a place where they’ll be safe, he says, but they have to hurry before Landru comes.

So he leads them outside, where he starts walking casually down the street, smiling and nodding and doing the ‘peace’ gesture at people as they pass. Kirk puts rather less effort into being surreptitious and keeps loudly talking to Spock while they make their way across town, asking him what he makes of all this weirdness. Unsurprisingly, Spock finds it all “totally illogical.” Yesterday, for no apparent reason, the entire town broke out into total havoc. “Yet today, now--” “--Now, they’re back to normal,” Kirk finishes. I mean, if you want to call that normal. Arguably the way they’re acting now is less normal than the rioting and screaming.

As they walk, Bowler Hat Man approaches them with a cheerful “Morning, friends.” Reger greets him back casually, but Lindstrom recognizes him and rushes up to Reger, saying, “Your daughter—that’s the man!” The man who...well, we didn’t see what happened, exactly, but we did see Bilar grab Tula while the whole town was breaking out in a wild frenzy, and the next time we saw Tula she was sobbing frantically, so...draw your own conclusions.

But Reger seems neither surprised nor upset by the accusation. “No, it wasn’t Bilar, it was Landru,” he says impatiently, before telling them all they need to hurry. Which is easier said than done—moseying and hurrying at the same time is a difficult proposition.

Despite their best efforts, the group hasn’t gotten much farther before Reger stops and says, “It’s too late—look!” For a moment it doesn’t look as if anything much has happened, but then the party realizes that everyone on the street has stopped dead in their tracks. It’s Landru, Reger says—he’s summoning the Body. Or, as Spock helpfully chimes in, “Telepathy, Captain.”

A moment later, the townspeople all start reaching down and picking up bits of the debris that’s littering the area. Specifically, the bits that are rather heavy and blunt, like bricks and bits of masonry and big sticks. Oh dear. “Phasers on stun,” Kirk says. Yeah, no kidding.

Abandoning the pretense of normality, Reger leads the group off at a jog down the street as the dead-eyed townspeople advance on them. It’s admittedly a bit creepy. There might not have been enough extras to sell the idea of an entire town in full riot, but there are enough to make a decent-sized mob. It’s just a shame they advance so very slowly. And that, when the party turns into an alley and sees more people coming up it from the other end, they just kind of stop and hang out there for a moment to let themselves get cornered, even though the rest of the mob isn’t nearly close enough behind them that they couldn’t just turn around and keep going in another direction.

[ID: The landing party and Reger huddled in a group at the mouth of an alley while a mob slowly approaches from several yards away.]

had a D&D game once that ended up remarkably like this

Kirk says he doesn’t want to hurt them, and tells Reger to warn them back, but Reger says “They’re in the Body, it’s Landru!” In other words, they’re possessed, and not about to listen to Reger or anyone. So the group has to fire on the townspeople approaching up the alleyway. Evidently Landru’s powers over people don’t extend to making them phaser-proof, because everyone hit by the beams drops where they stand, only for them to be immediately replaced by more townspeople in their wake. The whole ‘unstoppable zombie horde’ vibe is, again, unfortunately a bit diminished by a sheer lack of numbers—given the population of this town as we’ve seen it so far, and how slowly they move, the party could probably just easily stand there and keep firing until the whole town is unconscious. It’d probably take about five minutes, tops.

Also, one of the supposedly stunned townspeople rather noticeably catches himself on the way down.

[ID: A gif showing several townspeople at the end of an alley, all holding aloft various sticks and bits of debris, as a stun beam hits them, causing them to fall to the ground. A man in front catches himself with one hand and lowers himself the rest of the way.]

Despite my tactical advice, the crew decides to make a run for it down the alley after clearing away some of the mob, but as they’re on the move McCoy stops suddenly and kneels by one of the fallen men. It’s O’Neil. Evidently running didn’t turn out any better for him than standing still did for Sulu. Kirk tells Reger that this is one of their men, but Reger says that he isn’t, not anymore. “He’s one of them!” he cries. “Landru will find us through him! Leave him there, he’s our enemy, he’s been absorbed!”

Yeah, three guesses as to whether Kirk is about to leave one of his crewmembers laying unconscious and brainwashed in the path of a relentless mob, and the first two don’t count. One of the ‘shirts does point out, though, that now that they’ve found O’Neil they could go ahead and beam the heck outta this whole mess. Kirk says no, because they still haven’t found their answers about what happened to the Archons. I mean, sure, but...is that really more of a priority right now than escaping the mob that’s out for your blood, and getting to a safe space where you could regroup, tend to your unconscious party member, and question Reger without having to worry about some hooded jerks with big sticks bursting in on you at any time? Apparently it is, because a couple of people haul O’Neil off the ground and they all hurry off.

Exactly where Reger’s hiding place is we don’t get to find out, but evidently they get there alright, because the next thing we see is him pushing open a heavy stone door that leads into a distinctly dungeon-ish looking room. Everyone hurries inside, and Reger pushes aside an old bedframe to get to an alcove where someone’s left a big plastic square wrapped in heavy cloth. At least, it looks like a big plastic square, but Kirk identifies it as a lighting panel and it does, indeed, light up. “Amazing in this culture,” Spock comments. Yeah, it is a bit anachronistic next to the brazier over there.

Reger hangs it up on the wall to illuminate the room and says that it “comes from a time before Landru.” Asked just how long ago that was, he says that no one knows for sure, but some say it was as long as six thousand years ago. Six thousand years and it still works? Man, and I thought the Centennial Light was impressive.

Kirk has the two still-nameless ‘shirts go stand guard at the door while he and Spock muse over how weird it is that the lighting panel clearly came from a much more technologically advanced culture than the one currently occupying the place. Meanwhile, McCoy has had O’Neil brought over to what remains of the bed and is busy examining him. He gives Kirk an ‘in a minute’ gesture, so Kirk goes back to pacing and speculating, wondering if the Lawgiver’s rods might be some kind of antennae or broadcasting devices for transmitting the power of Landru in all its sparkly glory. Meanwhile, Spock is looking at his tricorder, which is apparently picking up “strong power generations...near here, but radiating in all directions.”

McCoy interjects to say that O’Neil will be coming around soon. “He must not!” Reger protests frantically. “He’s been absorbed!” This is followed by a dramatic chord and Kirk turning to Reger and going “Absorbed??” as if Reger didn’t already say the exact same thing twice back in the alley. I suppose he was a bit distracted at the time, but still.

“The Body absorbs its enemies,” Reger explains. “It only kills when it has to. When the first Archons came they were free, out of control, opposing the will of Landru. Many were killed, many more were absorbed. When he regains consciousness, Landru will find us through him. And if the others come--”

What others? Kirk asks. Reger explains that he means other people like him, who oppose Landru. They’re organized in threes—Reger was part of a cell consisting of him, Tamar, and one other person whom he doesn’t actually know, because Tamar was his contact. Evidently they’re doing the standard Resistance thing of limiting what individual members know in case they get captured, which is even more important when your adversary can control minds.

McCoy interrupts to say yeah that’s all great, but he needs a decision here, because O’Neil is coming out of it. Reger protests once again that O’Neil can’t be allowed to wake up, and Kirk mulls it over for a moment before telling McCoy, “Give him a shot. Keep him asleep.” Man, McCoy’s handing out sleepy shots left and right this episode. He must have a stash hidden in that waistcoat somewhere.

While McCoy does that, Kirk draws Reger over to a nearby table and says that he wants some answers. For one thing, if Landru’s so powerful, how is there a resistance movement at all? Reger doesn’t know how it happened, only that some people have escaped “the directives.” “It was that way when the first Archons came,” he adds.

Reger’s obviously not entirely clear on what was up with the Archons, understandably given that it was a hundred years ago and detailed history is probably hard to keep track of around here if you’re not part of the hivemind, but he says that “Landru pulled them down from the skies” and that they invaded the Body but at least in part resisted Landru’s will. Kirk gets interested in that first bit, interpreting it as Landru bringing down a starship. Spock confirms that the power readings he’s getting are over nine thousand powerful enough to destroy a starship. Kirk sure doesn’t like the sound of that, so he calls up the Enterprise to check up on how un-destroyed it is. The answer’s not real great: Scotty picks up and reports that the ship is under attack by “heat beams of some kind coming up from the planet’s surface.”

The shields are holding so far, but keeping them up is taking all of the ship’s power, so much so that if they can’t even move without being burned up. Oh, and the orbit is failing, because of course it is, you can’t keep an orbit going round here for anything. Although presumably they are still in an orbit right now, which begs the question of where these heat beams are coming from that they can stay locked onto the ship no matter which side of the planet it’s facing. I guess Landru really is everywhere. Anyway, if they can’t shake the heat beams long enough to use the engines, Scotty reports grimly, they’ve only got about twelve hours left before the orbit decays and they hit the atmosphere. Cool. Were you gonna like, call up and let the landing party know about this at some point, or…?

Kirk basically tells him to hang in there, since there’s not exactly much more that they can do, while the landing party works on taking out those heat beams at the source. Scotty starts to talk about how he tried the emergency bypass circuits, but they weren’t effective—they never are, I don’t know why he even bothers—but then he starts breaking up. Spock reports that he’s picking up some very strong sensor beams—something’s probing them, and it’s too strong for him to block it.

Just then, there’s a strange whirring noise, preceding the arrival of a holographic image (or, possibly, ghost) appearing against the wall. Specifically, it’s an image of a dude wearing a purple and pink-cape-toga-thing and looking incredibly smug for someone with no apparent arms.

[ID: A semi-transparent image being projected onto a stone wall, which shows a middle-aged white man with thick light brown hair, wearing a long purple robe over a black high-necked shirt, with a shiny pinkish-orange cape on top.]

“I am Landru,” the image announces.

Spock is unimpressed. “Projection, captain,” he announces. “Unreal.”

“But beautiful, Mr. Spock, with no apparatus at this end,” Kirk muses. I dunno, man, the pink cape thing is certainly a bold choice but I think ‘beautiful’ is a bit of a stretch.

“You have come as destroyers,” the projection of Landru continues, heedless of the commentary from the audience. “You bring an infection.” Kirk insists that Landru release the Enterprise, but Landru carries blithely on. “You have come to a world without hate, without fear, without conflict. No war, no disease, no crime. None of the ancient evils. Landru seeks tranquility. Peace for all. The universal good.” Yeah, it looked real peaceful and conflict-free last night.

Kirk tries to tell Landru that they mean no harm, and that theirs “is a mission of peace and goodwill.” (That’s why we brought phasers!) Landru just keeps talking about good transcending evil, etc, etc, until Spock points out that “He doesn’t hear you, Captain.” Honestly not sure if he means that Landru literally has no way to hear them or if he can hear them but just keeps right on monologuing anyway cause, y’know, we’ve all met That Dude.

“Maybe he’ll hear this!” Lindstrom says, charging forward with his phaser out. Oh yeah, great job there Lindy, let’s SHOOT the HOLOGRAM. Kirk tells Lindstrom to cut that shit out so he can get back to talking to Landru which, admittedly, is really doing just about as much good as shooting the wall would.

“You will be absorbed,” Landru says. “Your individuality will merge into the unity of good, and in your submergence into the common being of the Body, you will find contentment and fulfillment. You will experience...the absolute good.” See, I told you it wouldn’t mean anything good.

At this point, a high-pitched whirring noise that’s been steadily but mostly unnoticeably rising through the background music suddenly peaks, causing everyone to start clutching at their heads in pain. The two ‘shirts guarding the door are the first to drop to their knees, with the rest of the party succumbing quickly afterward.

What follows is a wonderful opportunity to observe several different styles of Slowly Passing Out. Nimoy looks like he’s going to go one way but then changes his mind and falls backward onto the table instead until he’s laying on his back looking up. Christopher Held (Lindstrom) takes the bold move of just falling straight to the ground in a dead drop, while Kelley, no fool he, is back there doing a complex maneuver involving hanging onto the bedpost to slow his own descent. Shatner, of course, goes for the most extra route possible, pitching forward onto the table while clutching his head and then slowly falling down into the chair. I give full marks to everyone except Harry Townes (Reger) who was already sitting down and didn’t have very far to go in the first place.

[ID: A gif showing Kirk, Lindstrom, Spock, McCoy, and Reger clutching their heads and slowly collapsing on and around a nearby table.]

After the break, Kirk gives a captain’s log, which is quite impressive considering he’s currently unconscious.

“The Enterprise, still under attack by some sort of heat rays from the surface of Beta 3, is now being commanded by engineering officer Scott. The shore party has been taken by the creature called Landru.”

We briefly see the Enterprise in orbit around the planet (heat rays not pictured), before cutting to the landing party, now relocated to an even more dungeon-like room than the one they were in before. Kirk wakes up, staggers out of the alcove he was laying in, and goes to investigate the other end of the room, where Lindstrom and one of the unnamed ‘shirts are passed out in another alcove. Some further investigation reveals that Kirk is no longer carrying either phaser or communicator, and that the only apparent exit to the place is less of a door and more just a giant slab of stone in a doorway, which Kirk predictably has absolutely no luck moving. Eventually he gives up and goes back to wake up Spock, Lindstrom, and the other ‘shirt, who he addresses as Leslie.

We’ve seen Leslie quite a few times already—actor Eddie Paskey was a recurring extra who frequently filled the role of oddjob Enterprise crewmembers whenever one was needed. Like in the case of Kyle and the other TOS background regulars, it’s difficult to tell how many of Paskey’s appearances should actually be taken to be the same person, since not only does he go through a couple different names before ‘Leslie’ finally gets used, but for all of his characters to be Leslie would require him to go through jobs at a rate unlikely even for Enterprise crewmembers. Still, he gets referred to as Leslie more often than he gets called anything else, so he’s probably Leslie at least most of the time.

Spock, noticing that they’re a couple of heads short all of a sudden, asks where McCoy is. Kirk tells him he doesn’t know, since McCoy was gone before Kirk even woke up, along with O’Neil and “the other guard.” Oh yeah, “the other guard.” Great job remembering your crew’s names there, captain. Actually, said guard is probably named Galloway or possibly Galoway, yet another one of those amorphous extras; Galloway, however, is pretty consistently a security officer (aside from a brief stint as transporter operator) and while he won’t be referred to by name until his next appearance, he’s not called any other names until then, so in this case it’s fairly reasonable to assume that all or least most appearances of actor David L. Ross can be taken to be the same character. Not that it makes any real difference, since he has no personality whatsoever.

Anyway, Spock thinks McCoy and Galloway must have been here but were removed at some point. Kirk wonders where “here” is. “Evidently a maximum security establishment,” Spock replies. That may or may not have been sarcasm. Honestly it’s hard to tell with Spock sometimes.

Kirk also informs Spock that “all our phasers are gone, I checked” even though we’ve been watching him this whole time and he definitely didn’t check anyone but himself, but never mind that. Lindstrom and Leslie finally make it up, looking rather the worse for wear, with Lindstrom mentioning having a killer headache (Leslie probably has one too, but we’d have to pay him more if he said anything). Spock says that this is because they were all subjected to a hypersonic attack, which probably would have killed them had it been any stronger. Instead it just knocked them out, and possibly gave them tinnitus.

Enough about sound waves, Kirk wants to focus on coming up with a way out of this dungeon. He hopefully mentions the way the Lawgivers seemed unable to react to anything unexpected, but Spock shoots that one down, saying they shouldn’t count on it happening again because “in a society as well-organized as this one appears to be, I cannot conceive of such an oversight going uncorrected.” That said, he still finds that behavior to be very interesting, because the way the Lawgivers reacted was a lot like the way a computer would react to being given insufficient or contradictory data. He doesn’t think this means the Lawgivers themselves are computers—but it’s definitely an interesting data point.

At that moment, the door opens and a Lawgiver escorts McCoy and Galloway inside. Kirk rushes over to them, only to see McCoy smile blandly at him and say, “Hello, friend. We were told to wait here.” Oh dear.

Now real concerned, Kirk starts to say “Doc--” but McCoy just turns to him and says, “Can I help you, friend?”

“Don’t you know me?” Kirk asks desperately.

“We all know one another through Landru,” McCoy replies.

Just like Sulu, Spock observes grimly. But Kirk’s having a hard time holding onto his objectivity. It’s one thing to hear Reger talk about Landru doing this to people, even to see it happen to members of his own crew—but this is McCoy. His friend. Kirk grabs him by the shoulders and yells at him to remember—but McCoy just looks confused and asks if Kirk is from “away” because he speaks very strangely. Then even that brief moment of emotion fades away and he returns to smiling. “Ask Landru,” he says. “He remembers. He knows, and he watches.”

Kirk eventually has to give up and leave McCoy sitting in the alcove with the guard. He turns to Spock, but before they can even begin to confer on this problem, the door opens again to admit a couple of Lawgivers. One of them points their rod threateningly at Kirk and orders him to come with them. Kirk tries his previous trick of just refusing, but as Spock predicted, that bug has evidently been patched, because this time the Lawgiver calmly replies, “Then You Will Die.”

It seems there’s not much choice but for Kirk to get going, so with one final order for Spock to see if he can do anything about McCoy’s whole situation, he follows the Lawgiver out the door. Spock watches him go before turning to McCoy and asking what’s going to happen to Kirk. “He goes to joy, peace and tranquility,” McCoy says happily. “He goes to meet Landru. Happiness is to all of us blessed by Landru.” Spock gives this statement the side-eye it deserves.

We then see Kirk in another room, standing up against a wall with some heavy-duty wrist restraints in place.

[ID: Kirk standing up against a wall, being restrained by two large bars holding his wrists in place, while two Lawgivers stand in front of him, pointing their rods at him.]

This is only happiness to a very specific subset of people.

But before Kirk can meet his grim fate, the Lawgivers are interrupted by someone else coming in. This is not another Lawgiver, however, but a bald man in bright orange robes, who speaks—well, I can’t exactly say he speaks normally because no one around here does, but he at least doesn’t sound like he’s speaking through a knock-off toy Darth Vader helmet. “I am Marplon,” he tells the Lawgivers. “It is your hour. Happy communing.”

“With Thanks. Hap-py Comm-uning,” one Lawgiver replies, and they both head off to take a smoke break or whatever the Lawgiver equivalent is. Marplon steps into the nearby control booth and flicks some switches, causing the booth to slowly rotate around to face Kirk (presumably with the aid of an extra and a pulley somewhere behind the camera) while a dramatic sting plays.

Meanwhile, back in the dungeon, Spock is poking around at McCoy. Evidently someone leaning over you and almost poking you in the eye as they put their hands all over your face isn’t considered bothersome behavior under the directives of Landru, since McCoy seems perfectly fine with it and just sits there calmly while Spock does whatever it is he’s doing. Eventually, Spock grimly pulls his hands away and says, “Impossible. He’s under extremely powerful control.”

You kind of have to wonder what Spock saw in there. The nature of Landru’s control is a bit vague on the details—do members of the Body possess any degree of personality and individuality, smothered though it may be under a stupor of happy-happy-peace-and-tranquility thoughts? Or are they all being outright puppeteered by Landru? They at least seem to have enough personality to have names, and the fact that they stop and have discussions with each other seems to indicate that they aren’t a total hivemind—Tula has to be informed out loud by Bilar that the landing party are strangers in town, rather than her just knowing it automatically as soon as he knew it. But McCoy doesn’t show any sign of retaining any amount of McCoy-ness after he gets taken. He doesn’t remember Kirk and Spock at all, he doesn’t use any of his usual mannerisms, he doesn’t—as we’ll see in a bit—respond to perceived threats the way McCoy usually does, and in general he doesn’t act like McCoy-but-unnaturally-happy-and-calm so much as he acts like a completely different person. So when Spock says he’s under “powerful control” it’s hard to say whether he means that he saw McCoy being forced to feel peaceful and loyal to Landru, or if he saw McCoy in there, somewhere, possibly even aware, but no longer able to control his own actions. Either way, it’s a pretty damn creepy thought.

Unsatisfied with Spock’s analysis, Lindstrom asks if they’re, what, just going to stand around here and do nothing? Spock replies that there’s not a lot they can do, unless Lindstrom has any bright ideas about how to get through a solid stone door. Lindstrom clearly does not, because instead he just splutters about how “This is simply ridiculous, a bunch of stone age characters running around in robes--!” as if he’s got half a mind to just march out there and tell everyone to stop all this nonsense and behave, at which point presumably the Lawgivers will drop their rods and shuffle away in embarrassment. I can only conclude that Mr. Lindstrom has not been serving aboard the Enterprise very long, otherwise he would know that this is hardly any more ridiculous than the usual kind of thing they get up to. You notice Leslie over there isn’t saying anything. Leslie’s seen some shit.

Spock coolly points out that these “stone age characters” are in command of some powers that the Enterprise crew have so far been helpless to understand or resist. “Not simple. Not ridiculous,” he says. “Very, very dangerous.”

On the one hand, this could easily just be your standard sarcastic Spock response of the sort commonly seen whenever someone decides to start running their mouth off in his vicinity, but you have to wonder if he’s not also feeling particularly ticked off at Lindstrom scorning this whole situation, considering that Spock just got done with a close examination of exactly how powerful a grip Landru currently has on the mind of one of Spock’s two close friends. And his other close friend has just been taken off to have the same thing done to him, with Spock powerless to stop it. I mean, let’s put that in non-science fiction terms: imagine you woke up to find you’d been taken captive, and some of the people you were with, including a friend of yours, aren’t there. And then your captors show up and throw them back in your cell, and when you examine your friend you realize that, while you have no idea what happened to him while he was gone, he came back so badly concussed he doesn’t know who you are or where he is, and can’t even answer a simple question. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Your other friend has just been dragged off for the same treatment, and there was nothing you could do about that, either. And as you stand there, desperately wracking your brain for any way out of this, trying not to think about the state your other friend will be in when he comes back, this punk starts whining about how ridiculous the situation is, as if he’s more upset about being bested by what he views as an inferior opponent than by the damage those opponents have already caused, and the very real threat those of you remaining are still facing. Granted, I don’t think that’s what Lindstrom actually meant; he was probably just expressing understandable if poorly-worded frustration at being helpless to do anything in a situation where it feels like you really should be able to do something. But it’s not real surprising that Spock would feel rather cheesed at him about it. Y’know, if Vulcans felt cheesed, which of course they don’t.

At that point, the door opens and two more Lawgivers come in. One of them points their rod at Spock and orders him to come with them. Spock more or less shrugs and follows them out the door, leaving Lindstrom and Leslie alone to ruminate about how screwed they are.

The Lawgivers take Spock to the brainwashing room, where Marplon is releasing Kirk from the restraints. Kirk walks over to Spock with a vacant smile and tells him, “Joy to you, friend. Peace and contentment will fill you. You will know the peace of Landru.” Spock doesn’t say anything, but his expression indicates that he’s gearing up to end somebody over this.

[ID: Spock, being escorted by two Lawmakers, watching as Kirk tells him, “You will know the peace of Landru.” Spock has a particularly murderous expression on his face.]

Spock is gonna KILL GOD.

After the break, things look grim, with Spock—looking highly unimpressed--restrained against the wall while Marplon makes the lights flash and the Lawgivers point their rods at Spock for good measure. But when the Lawgivers have left, Marplon looks up and says, “Have no fear, friend. The effect is harmless.” He introduces himself and explains that he was unfortunately too late to save McCoy and the other guard, so watch out for them. But, as it turns out, he wasn’t too late to save Kirk, who was just faking for the Lawgivers.

Marplon goes on to explain that he is actually the third man in Reger’s triad (wow, small world), and that they’ve been “awaiting your return.” Spock tells him that they are not the Archons, although, really, who or what exactly these people think the Archons are is still pretty hazy. And indeed, Marplon himself doesn’t seem real fussed about the distinction, saying that, “Whatever you may call yourselves, you are in fulfillment of prophecy. We ask your help.” The poor guy is practically trembling with a mixture of enthusiasm and desperation.

Spock asks where Reger is and Marplon says that he’ll join them, adding that Reger is immune to absorption. Exactly why this should be is never explained, and neither is the question of what exactly happened to Reger after the group got captured. One would assume that being in the presence of said group would rather give the game away, but maybe Marplon was able to cover for him somehow.

But never mind Reger—what Spock really wants to know more about is Landru. But upon being asked about him, Marplon gets even more panicky and says they can’t discuss that just now because Landru will hear. Although if Landru could hear them in here, they’d already be screwed, given everything Marplon has just admitted out-loud. My best guess would be that Landru isn’t quite as omniscient as all that and the resistance members are just (understandably) a bit paranoid and superstitious, although I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that, true to form for vengeful deity-types, saying Landru’s name attracts his attention.

Marplon hands Spock a couple of the confiscated phasers, which Spock stows away just before the Lawgivers come back in. Marplon just has time to warn Spock to behave just as he saw Kirk doing before slipping back into his own charade to tell the Lawgivers that “It is done!” Spock obligingly spouts the standard peace and contentment and so on, although I can’t say he puts a great deal of effort into it. The Lawgivers seem to be satisfied, though, because they take him back to the cell without fuss.

Back in the cell, Spock meets up with Kirk. They exchange a bit of “peace and tranquility” talk very loudly to satisfy McCoy and the other guard, before Kirk drops it and mutters, “Are you alright?” “Quite alright,” Spock replies. “But be careful of Dr. McCoy.” Indeed, as soon as he says this, McCoy rises up in the background ominously.

[ID: A gif of Kirk, Spock and Lindstrom standing in a half-circle near an archway. Spock says, “Be careful of Doctor McCoy.” As Kirk replies, “I understand,” McCoy stands up in the background.]

“I FUCKIN HEARD THAT”

Kirk tries to question Spock, who says he has a theory about Landru, but he’s cautious about sharing it with McCoy hovering in the background glaring at them like that. “You speak in strange whispers,” McCoy says as they turn to look at him. “This is not the way of Landru.”

Of everyone we’ve seen being or pretending to be Landru-possessed in the episode so far, the acting choices have mostly fallen on a spectrum ranging from Takei’s “incredibly high” to Nimoy’s “barely even bothering.” (Shatner falls somewhere in the middle, around “comfortably buzzed.”) Kelley, on the other hand, opted for a direction I can only describe as “intensely Southern passive-aggressiveness.” Perhaps it’s the increased Georgia drawl, but Possessed!McCoy feels eerily familiar, like someone I’ve definitely encountered at the Dollar General before. It’s the exact kind of sinister watchfulness not quite masked by a cheerful, friendly exterior that you would expect to find in that lady at church who would never say the world ‘hell’ but gets a little too excited during the bits of sermon about damnation and is currently engaged in complex political machinations to backstab Becky from next door because she lets her kids play too loudly and sold more brownies at the last bake sale (or just in the average head of a homeowner’s association.) I half expect him to start handing out Chick Tracts at any moment.

Before that can happen, Kirk is able to pacify him with more peace and tranquility, then dramatically claps his hands on Spock and Lindstrom’s shoulders and declares “MY FRIENDS” as he ushers them away to a slightly more private corner of the cell. There Spock is able to go into his theory, such as it is. “This is a soulless society, Captain,” he explains, and given that Vulcans have quantified the existence of the soul he probably knows what he’s talking about. “It has no spirit, no spark. All is indeed peace and tranquility—the peace of the factory, the tranquility of the machine. All parts working in unison.”

“And when something unexplained happens...their routine is disrupted?” Kirk muses. Spock agrees, and says that someone must be giving the orders—but who? Landru, presumably, but Spock says there is no Landru...not in the human sense.

“You’re thinking the same thing I am, Mr. Spock,” Kirk says. “The plug must be pulled.” But if Spock is thinking that, it’s not without some reservations. Because, you know, that whole prime directive thing. They’re really not supposed to go around deposing/assassinating political leaders, even really obnoxious ones. But, Kirk says, after all about two seconds of reflection, that directive is meant for living, growing cultures, which this one ain’t. This would be a fascinating ethical point if it wasn’t so obviously a quick justification to let them get on with saving the day without all that pesky worldbuilding getting in the way.

Conveniently, before Spock can say anything in response to this, the door opens again, but this time instead of more Lawgivers it’s Marplon and Reger. McCoy immediately stands up and says, “JOY TO YOU FRIENDS!” like that guy at Wal-Mart that you were really hoping to avoid having a conversation with but you didn’t sneak out of the cereal aisle quickly enough and now he’s seen you. Marplon and Reger keep up the smiling act until they make it over to the Non-Brainwashed Club at the back of the room. Marplon’s brought them their communicators, which is helpful, but Kirk has something more in mind. What they really need, he tells them, is more information about Landru. Marplon and Reger shake their heads frantically, mumbling about “the prophecy” but Kirk isn’t interested in prophecies. “If you want to be liberated from Landru,” he tells the two men, “we’ll need your help.”

It seems he said that just a bit too loudly, though, because McCoy springs up from his seat, points dramatically, and yells, “You’re not of the Body!” Kirk tries to calm him down, but McCoy isn’t having any more peace and tranquility. He screams for the Lawgivers before rushing Kirk and trying to throttle him, screaming “TRAITORS! TRAITORS!” all the while. (See what I meant about him not responding to threats normally? McCoy wouldn’t bother to try to strangle someone if he could whack ‘em with a hypospray instead.)

The other guard joins in, taking a swing at Kirk, but Spock intercepts and tosses him to the floor. He’s a lot less helpful with McCoy, mostly just kind of standing there watching as McCoy manages to back Kirk up against a wall, still screaming. “Doc, I don’t wanna hurt you,” Kirk begs, but of course, this does nothing. In the end, Kirk has to punch McCoy and then put him in a chokehold until he drops. Kirk slowly lowers him to the floor, sadly muttering, “Aw, doc...”

Just then there’s a noise of someone approaching, and Kirk and Spock quickly duck into cover in the corners. A pair of Lawgivers enter and walk right past them, demonstrating why it’s not a super great idea to dress your law enforcement in big peripheral-vision-obscuring hoods, not to mention why most jail cells aren’t designed to have lots of great hiding spots. The Lawgivers promptly get ambushed; Kirk deploys the good old fashioned Neck Chop, while Spock, surprisingly, forgoes the usual nerve pinch in favor of just straight up decking the guy. One suspects Spock is feeling a bit crabby at the moment.

[ID: Kirk and Spock fighting Lawmakers between two arches in their dungeon cell. Kirk is standing over an unconscious Lawmaker, who is laying next to an unconscious McCoy, while Spock is leaning back to punch the Lawmaker he is squaring off against.]

DIRECT ACTION

With phase one of the classic “mug the guards and steal their uniforms” maneuver successfully completed, Kirk moves right on to phase two, stripping the robe off one of the fallen Lawgivers and putting it on over his waistcoat. While he’s doing that, he asks Marplon and Reger where Landru is. The two of them stutter fearfully a bit, but Marplon manages to explain that they never see Landru, only hear him, in a place called the Hall of Audiences--conveniently located in this very building! “You’re gonna take us there,” Kirk says, leaving the poor bastards looking like they’re about to cry. When one of them makes a noise Kirk grabs them by the shoulders and yells at them to snap out of it and start acting like men. The empathy on display here is staggering.

Spock, meanwhile, has gotten in touch with the Enterprise and asks them for a status report. Scotty’s apparently been trying to get in contact with them for quite a while now, not that he has anything particularly new to tell them: their orbit is still decaying, the heat beams are still locked onto the ship, and they’ve now got about six hours left. “You’ve got to cut them off or we’ll cook, one way or another,” he says grimly.

Kirk tells him once again to stand by and then asks after Sulu. “He’s peaceful enough, but he worries me,” Scotty replies. Kirk orders him to put a guard on Sulu, which stuns Scotty, but Kirk doesn’t offer any useful information about the situation. All he says is, “Watch him. That’s an order,” and then he hangs up.

Kirk then turns back to Marplon and Reger and says, for the umpteenth time this episode, asks them to tell him about Landru. Which at this point is starting to sound like a repeating dialogue option.

[ID: 1. A shot of Kirk with a video game-style dialogue selection in the bottom left corner, with the option ‘Ask about Landru’ highlighted and the options ‘Ask about Archons’ ‘Ask about Lawgivers’ and ‘Remain Silent’ listed below it. 2. The same shot of Kirk, now saying, “About Landru.”]

“Well...there was war...convulsions...the world was destroying itself,” Reger says. “Landru was our leader. He saw the truth. He changed the world. He took us back, back to a simpler time. A time of peace and tranquility.” Oh fuck, he was one of those dudes. Of course he was. “Everything will be alright if we go back to the old ways, when things were good and simple and peaceful because everyone was busy dying of polio.”

Asked what happened to Landru, Marplon says that he’s still alive. “He is here now. He sees, he hears.” Then he begins to break down, crying, “We have destroyed ourselves! Please, no more.”

“You said you wanted freedom,” Kirk tells him sternly. “It’s time you learned that freedom is never a gift. It has to be earned.”

Yes, yes, very pithy, but I can’t really say I’m here for listening to Kirk tell people who have lived their whole lives under a horrifying totalitarian regime that they need to Man Up. I mean, regular human totalitarian regimes fuck people up enough, let alone one where everyone is literally being mind-controlled. Can you imagine what life is like for these guys? We know that Landru will try to kill anyone that can’t be controlled, so for Marplon and Reger to still be alive means pretending, every day that they were free of Landru’s control—which, depending on whether they somehow broke free or were born immune, could be their entire lives—pretending to be controlled, pretending to be just as happy and tranquil as everyone else, never able to let slip the slightest trace of fear or anger or grief at everything you saw happening around you, lest any of the constantly watching eyes all around you catch on and you either get executed by the Lawmakers or, if you’re not so lucky, slaughtered by the angry mob that just detected a traitor, traitor in its midst. And they were still trying to resist, still working against Landru despite him being, near as they could tell, all but omnipotent. And Kirk’s gonna stand here and lecture them about courage? Sure, they’re afraid—who could blame them? Sometimes people are afraid. Sometimes people need help.

And, well, Kirk’s not helping. Oh, in a broad sense, sure, he’ll save the day and defeat the bad guy for them (spoilers). But as far as Marplon and Reger specifically are concerned, Kirk has really not bothered to help them. He hasn’t made even a pretense of answering any of their questions. He hasn’t explained anything about who the Enterprise crew are, why they’re there, what their theories are about Landru or what they’re planning to do to defeat him. He hasn’t reassured them or made any effort to quell their fears, even though from the perspective of Reger at least, the landing party arriving has directly led to a lot of those fears coming true—since they got here, they’ve drawn suspicion to him that led to his friend being killed and him being pursued and captured, probably to be executed if Marplon hadn’t happened to be around. Kirk hasn’t shown hardly any sympathy for their situation, not directly—oh, he’s muttered to Spock about what a shitshow this whole society is, but he’s not once given Marplon and Reger themselves so much as a “wow, that sucks.” Mostly his interactions with them have ranged from “a bit condescending” to “barely even trying to pretend to be patient.”

And I know I’ve just spent the last two paragraphs ranting at Kirk, but Kirk isn’t really the focus of the problem here. This kind of writing doesn’t feel right for him. Does Kirk sometimes dismiss smaller, individual problems because he’s more focused on the bigger picture? Does he sometimes push people around him a little harder than they can handle because he’s busy pushing himself too hard at the same time? Sure. Those are understandable, human character flaws that are natural extensions of the character strengths that make him a good captain in the first place. But the attitude of this whole episode feels like it has very little to do with Kirk as a character, flawed or otherwise, and much more to do with an obnoxious combination of the lofty moralizing that Star Trek sometimes dips into mixed with an especially 60s-flavored American outlook on Freedom, subsection: The Costs Of. Yeah, we know all about fighting for freedom! We know all about what it costs! We’re the big strong heroes who are gonna save you from Nazis and Communism cause someone’s gotta do it and that someone is us! TROOPS!

As for the lofty moralizing, well, the behavior of our protagonists in this episode feels rather like the other end of the Metron problem in Arena. Our heroes sweep into a Less Advanced society, decide they’re gonna fix everything for them, and proceed to do so without putting much effort into actually including the members of that society in their plans. Heck, how much time have Kirk and Spock spent in this episode chatting about the flaws and foibles of this culture right in front of Reger, Tamar and Marplon, because it’s not like they’re gonna understand us anyway, right? Of course, I’m not saying that they’re acting as bad as the Metrons—they still haven’t been that obnoxious. And of course there are extenuating circumstances; Kirk’s got crewmen down here and a ship up there in immediate danger, he’s short on time and him being frustrated with not getting the help he wants out of the locals is understandable enough. I mean, at the end of the day, whatever they do to Landru is unlikely to be worse for this culture than having the Enterprise crash into it, which is what will happen if they don’t do anything. But again, the writing of the whole thing doesn’t make it feel like our protagonists are actually being driven by desperation, danger and their own flaws; it feels like an attitude that exists on the same kind of spectrum as we saw with the Metrons: there are cultures that do things Right and cultures that do things Wrong. Some of them are more Right than humans so we should aspire to be like them someday, and some of them are more Wrong so we should help get them on the right track. The extraordinary speed with which Kirk brushes aside the question of whether they’re breaking the Prime Directive speaks to the fact that the episode isn’t interested in exploring that question in the first place. It just wants to get on with dropping cool one-liners and defeating the villain.

Kirk says they’re going to find Landru now, but Reger finally reaches his breaking point and starts yelling that he was wrong, he’ll submit to Landru, and tries to run screaming for the Lawgivers. He doesn’t get very far before Spock nerve-pinches him, while Kirk sternly says, “It’s too late for that.” Hmm, I wonder if this could possibly have been averted at all if we’d done anything to help calm him down instead of telling him to tough it out like a real man? Nah, I’m sure it was unavoidable. Kirk then turns to Marplon and says it’s up to him now to take them to Landru. Marplon looks like he’s regretting every single one of his life choices.

But evidently either persuasion or intimidation was effective, because the next thing we see is Marplon leading Kirk and Spock, both now all robed up, down a very orange corridor. He stops at the door at one end of the hall and tells them that this is the Hall of Audiences (fastpass available). Kirk, naturally, tells him to open it. “But this is Landru!” Marplon pleads. Unimpressed, Kirk tells him to get on with it and open the thing already because seriously, there’s only like ten minutes of episode left, we don’t have time for this.

So Marplon performs the Sacred Gesture of Door-Opening, which is to say he folds his fingers and bows, and the door opens. Kirk and Spock hustle in behind him and immediately discard their entire disguises, which may not have been the best idea, practically speaking, but it’s understandable enough; the Hall of Audiences doesn’t look real well-ventilated.

On a side-note, Kirk was definitely not wearing his coat when he put the robe on, but evidently it respawned in his inventory at some point because he is wearing it when he takes the robe off again.

[ID: A comparison between two images. On the left, Kirk putting a Lawgiver’s robe on over his shirt and waistcoat. On the right, Kirk dropping his robe to the floor in the Hall of Audiences, showing his coat on over his shirt and waistcoat.]

One small problem: the room is completely empty, with no sign of any Landrus anywhere. Kirk starts yelling for him, saying that they are the Archons (sure, why not) and they’ve come to have a chat. A moment later, Landru’s projection appears against the back wall. I’m not sure if they intended for his shirt to blend in with the wall so well that it looks like his head is floating, but that’s what they achieved.

[ID: Another projection of Landru, this one a headshot in which the color of his shirt matches the wall behind him so well it’s barely visible.]

a true figurehead

For a moment everyone just stands around staring at Landru, although Marplon is multitasking and also having a massive panic attack. Then Landru finally speaks up. “Despite my efforts to save you, you have invaded the Body, and are causing great harm,” he says. Kirk says they have no intention of causing harm, but Landru keeps right on going. “Obliteration is necessary,” he says. “The infection is strong. For the good of the Body...you must die. It is...a great sorrow.” Oh, well, if you feel bad about it, that’s okay then. Carry on.

Kirk says they don’t intend to die, either, but as you might have worked out by now, Landru’s not listening. “All who saw you, all who know of your presence here, must be excised,” he says. “The memory of the Body will be cleansed.”

Before Kirk can keep this one-sided conversation going any longer, Spock tells him it’s useless—this is only a projection. “Yes, Mr. Spock,” Kirk muses. “Let’s have a look at the projector.”

The two of them take their phasers out and shoot the wall Landru’s projecting onto, blasting a big hole in the masonry. For once, shooting the hologram actually turns out to be useful, as it reveals the real Landru: a giant computer. Kirk and Spock exchange some pretty smug looks. “Of course. It had to be,” Kirk says. For, as Spock points out, this whole society has all along been run to a computer’s concept of perfection—peace, harmony, all parts working in perfect unison, and absolutely no soul.

“I am Landru,” the computer trills at them. “You have intruded.”

“Pull out its plug, Mr. Spock,” Kirk says, soaring clear over not only any ethical dilemmas here but also over the question of whether “pull out its plug” is even a metaphor that would make sense in the 23rd century. But when they raise their phasers again, there’s a flash of light, and not like the kind there’s supposed to be when you fire a phaser. “Your devices have been neutralized,” the computer informs them. “So it shall be with you. I am Landru.”

Kirk, barely missing a beat over the devastating failure of his cool one-liner, says, “Landru died over six thousand years ago.” The computer insists that it is Landru. “All that he was, I am. His experience, his knowledge.”

“But not his wisdom,” Kirk says. “He may have programmed you, but he could not have given you a soul. You are a machine.”

Landru 2.0 says that this is irrelevant, they will be obliterated, and that the good of the Body is the prime directive. Okay, first of all, that’s copyright infringement. Second of all—what, exactly, is the good? The computer stutters over this, repeating, “I am Landru,” before finally managing to spit out, “The good...is the harmonious continuation...of the Body. The good is peace, tranquility. The good of the Body is the directive.”

“Then I put it to you that you have disobeyed the prime directive,” Kirk says. “You are harmful to the Body.”

“The Body is! It exists. It is healthy.”

“The Body is dying. YOU are destroying it.”

“Do you ask a question?!” Oh, bad move, that’s a sure sign you’re losing the argument. Kirk, sensing weakness, takes a moment to get into a proper computer-dissing stance before asking his next question: “What have you done to do justice to the full potential of every individual in the Body?”

[ID: A gif of Kirk standing in front of a large hole in the stone wall before him, one leg propped up on the bottom of said hole. When Landru 2.0 asks, “Do you ask a question?” Kirk puts one hand on his leg and the other on his hip, and pauses deliberately for a moment before responding.]

Landru 2.0 doesn’t know what to do with that, so Kirk just continues anyway. “Without freedom of choice, there is no creativity! Without creativity, there is no life. The Body dies. The fault...is YOURS.”

Spock chimes in at this point to ask, “Are you aiding the Body or are you destroying it?” Landru 2.0 says it’s not programmed to answer that question. At that point a couple of Lawmakers come running in, but they’re not looking nearly so intimidating anymore, yelling, “Landru, guide us!” in a panic. Kirk turns toward them and pulls out his phaser (presumably out of force of habit, since it doesn’t work anymore) but Spock says they needn’t bother anyway—the Lawmakers have no guidance, probably for the first time ever in their lives, and thus are not much of a threat at the moment. Also, they don’t even have their giant sticks, so what are they gonna do? Headbutt the intruders to death? So Kirk dismissed them and turns back to Landru 2.0, ordering it to answer the question.

“Peace, order, and tranquility are maintained,” Landru 2.0 says, having had a bit of time of think about it. “The Body lives, but I reserve creativity to me.”

“Then the Body dies,” Spock says. “Creativity is necessary for the health of the Body.”

“That...is...impossible!” Landru 2.0 cries desperately.

Marplon, who’s been standing in the back looking real worldview-shattered this whole time, finally speaks up to ask if this is truly Landru, like someone who just met their favorite celebrity and got real let down. “What’s left of him,” Spock says. “After he built and programmed this machine six thousand years ago.”

“You must create the good,” Kirk tells Landru 2.0. “That is the will of Landru, nothing else.”

“But there is evil!”

“Then the evil must be destroyed. That is the prime directive, and YOU are the evil!”

“I think! I live!”

“You are the evil! The evil must be destroyed! Fulfill the prime directive!”

At this point Landru 2.0 starts smoking, as computers are well-known to do when they think too hard. Kirk keeps yelling at it to “Fulfill the prime directive!” and Landru 2.0 eventually just starts yelling, “Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!” until it explodes in a giant shower of sparks.

[ID: A gif showing Landru 2.0, a large boxy computer sitting behind a hole in a stone wall, sparking wildly and catching fire. The gif cuts briefly to Kirk watching, before cutting back to show Landru 2.0 smoking as the sparks die slowly.]

Yeah IT’s probably not gonna be able to help with that one.

Kirk and Spock step inside to take a look at the remains (probably not a good idea, the air quality in there cannot be good). Evidently satisfied that Landru 2.0 is well and truly busted, Kirk turns to Marplon and says, “Well, you’re on your own now. I hope you’re up to it. You can get rid of those robes, and if I were you I’d start looking for a new job.” Gee, thanks.

He then calls the Enterprise to see how they’re doing. Scotty reports that the heat rays are gone, and Sulu’s all back to normal. To demonstrate this, Sulu shrugs at the camera so exaggeratedly I half expected a laugh track to follow it, before clapping the current helmsman on the shoulder and hustling him out of his chair so Sulu can get back to work. SERIOUSLY? I’m well used to Trek blowing off the effects of things that really ought to be pretty traumatic, but even for TOS this is pretty extreme. I mean, even putting aside the whole matter of recovering so quickly and easily from incredibly powerful mind control stripping away your entire sense of self in subjugation to a mindless collective, how did he get up there so quickly? The Enterprise is a big ship! You can only get from Sickbay to the bridge so fast! Landru’s been out of commission for what, two minutes? Five minutes, generously? Hell, he didn’t even get to take the rest of his shift off? Man, they really keep your nose to the grindstone on this ship.

Kirk, evidently more satisfied with this than I am, tells Scotty to stand by to beam them up, then hangs up and says, “Let’s go see how the others are doing. Marplon can finish up here.” We don’t get to find out how the others are doing, or indeed what the heck “finish up” is supposed to mean in this context, because the scene cuts immediately back to the bridge sometime later, where Kirk is giving a captain’s log.

“The Enterprise is preparing to leave Beta 3 in starsystem C-111. Sociologist Lindstrom is remaining behind with a party of experts who will help restore the planet’s culture to a human form.”

“Marvelous,” Spock comments as Kirk finishes. “The late Landru—a marvelous feat of engineering. A computer capable of directing the lives of millions of human beings.” Pretty impressive indeed—heck, just building a computer that’s still running after six thousand years is quite incredible. Would have been nice to study it. Pity someone blew it up.

Kirk’s not feeling real sentimental about it, though. It was still only a machine, he says. “The original Landru programmed it with all his knowledge, but he couldn’t give it his wisdom, his compassion, his understanding...his soul, Mr. Spock.”

Yes, yes, so you’ve said a bazillion times already, although it’s quite a large assumption given they have no idea what the original Landru was actually like. I mean, we do know this was a guy whose response to a world in crisis was to take everybody back to “a simpler time” aka the imaginary dreamland of bitter conservatives everywhere, and that he was so convinced his method of running that society was the only correct answer that he built a computer to go on micro-managing that society in his name forever. Not to mention, y’know, the mind-controlling powers that he apparently built into it. It’s entirely possible that Landru 2.0 was not an error of programming but in fact was running exactly as intended.

“Predictably metaphysical,” Spock says, apparently forgetting that he made the exact some observation himself earlier. “I prefer the concrete, the graspable, the provable.”

“You would make a splendid computer, Mr. Spock,” Kirk says fondly. Spock, of course, looks immensely pleased and replies, “That is very kind of you, captain.”

Before these two dorks can get any further with their sweet-talk, Lindstrom calls up to say good-bye. Asked how it’s going down there, he says, “Couldn’t be better, captain. Already this morning, we’ve had half a dozen domestic quarrels and two genuine knock-down drag-outs. It may not be paradise, but it’s certainly human.” Huh. I guess that’s better than laying in the fetal position crying, which is what I would be doing in that situation. Still, good to see that this society is acting properly human now. This...non-human society.

Kirk wishes him good luck and leaves him to it. As they prepare to head out, Spock muses about, ““How often mankind has wished for a world as peaceful and secure as the one Landru provided.” “Yes, and we never got it,” Kirk says. “Just lucky, I guess.” Yes, yes, no such thing as a utopia, and all that. Personally I just fantasize about a world where I earn a living wage, but I suppose that would make for a rather more boring episode.

They exchange wry looks, and the episode ends. There’s no sign or word of any of the crewmembers who got Landru’d throughout this scene, so who knows how they’re dealing with all this. I’m assuming McCoy is off somewhere getting super drunk right about now.

The Return of the Archons is an episode that always feels to me as if someone started writing it with no idea of where it was going and just made it up as they went along, but without the bit where you go back at the end and edit everything to match. There are a lot of things that either seem odd in the context of what we learn later, or just get brought up and then never explained. The biggest offender is the Festival, which dominates the first act of the episode so much you figure it has to be important, but then it just gets dropped with no answer as to what purpose it serves, how often it happens, why older people are exempt, etc. (The James Blish novelization takes a crack at it by having Lindstrom postulate that having everyone wildly run amok for one night a year was a form of population control. Which...seems suspect to me, but hey, he tried.) But there are plenty of other questions as well, like, where’s the ‘valley’ that everyone talks about, and who, if anyone, lives there? Why are some people immune to being Landru’d? Why is there a whole special chamber that our heroes get dragged off to one by one to get absorbed, when the Lawmakers are capable of doing it just by tapping people with their rods? Why is Hacom so grumpy and un-tranquil despite apparently being a member of the Body, none of the rest of whom show that amount of individualism? Considering Landru 2.0’s range apparently extends far enough for Sulu to still be controlled while up in orbit, why didn’t it ever try to use Sulu against the Enterprise? Why does Sulu, even after being absorbed, yell at that guy in the transporter room about having the wrong clothes? How do the Lawgivers do that robo-voice thing? I’m used to having to fill in some gaps on my own to make TOS episodes make total sense, but even for TOS this one has an abnormal amount of unanswered questions, which makes it difficult for me to take it seriously as a story, even aside from my problems with the whole “FIGHT FOR YOUR FREEDOM LIKE REAL MEN” thing. On the plus side: waistcoats!

Landru’s circuit-popping demise has brought our Bluescreen Monologues tally up by one. No crew deaths this time, everyone escaped the clutches of Landru more or less intact. Next time we’ll be seeing the origins of a particularly iconic foe in Space Seed.

#star trek #star trek TOS #star trek season one #star trek TOS recaps #1.21 The Return of the Archons #1.21 The Return of the Archons recap

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fandom-star · 5 years

Note

Can you write anything with trans! Spock in it? I’m trans so I project a lot into characters

This took so long! I'm so sorry! It's also on my AO3!

Living The Truth

Starfleet Academy was a dream for many. Spock was no different. After collecting some essentials he'd ordered before leaving Vulcan, he went straight to the Academy reception.

"Hey!" a blonde greeted, standing from his seat. "You must be Spock."

"That is correct." Spock replied.

"Jim Kirk," the young man told him, beaming. "I've been told to take you to your quarters."

Spock nodded, and let Jim take him to his assigned quarters.

"So, you're doing the science track?"

Spock raised an eyebrow, as he was wearing the uniform to indicate that fact.

"Obviously."

"You know, my best friend's in medical."

"I did not. However, I now do."

Jim laughed, before gesturing to a door.

"Well, here we are!" he announced, before squinting at the number next to the door and looking at the door next to it. "Hey, you must be sharing a bathroom with him!"

Spock tensed. Sharply, he looked at his guide.

"I was led to believe that my dorm was private." he said, challengingly.

Jim frowned.

"Well, it is," he told the Vulcan. "You haven't got a roommate. And the bathroom doors lock from inside."

Hesitantly, Spock nodded. He wasn't sure about the arrangement, but supposed he could cope with it. When they went into the room, the two cadets started at the man leaning on the bathroom door.

"Howdy." he greeted, tipping an imaginary hat whilst grinning lazily.

Spock didn't say anything. Whilst this intrusion was not instilling any confidence in his privacy, the man he appeared to be sharing a bathroom with was inarguably attractive.

"Bones!" Jim exclaimed. "Why?"

'Bones' shrugged.

"Heard I was gettin' a neighbour," he replied. "I know I probably shouldn't have, but... I was curious."

"But, Bones, you can't - "

"It is... okay," Spock assured them both, before turning to face the man in the bathroom door. "I am Spock."

"Leonard McCoy." the man (whom now has the name of Leonard) replied, nodding with a coy smile.

"We will need rules. For example, we each may not enter the other's rooms without prior warning..."

Spock had found himself welcomed into Jim and Leonard's social circle. He grew to enjoy the vastly diverse group's company. Each of them, he found, were trustworthy. However, he found that he could not trust any of them with the reason he was not on Vulcan. He couldn't trust that nothing would change.

Hesitantly, Spock knocked on the door to Captain Pike's office. The door opened and Spock stepped inside.

"Spock. What can I do for you?" Pike asked.

Thinking about reconsidering what he was about to do, Spock looked down at the PADD in his hand, before deciding that he couldn't go back now and placing the PADD on the captain's desk. As Pike picked it up and read over it, Spock clasped his hands tightly behind his back. Like raised an eyebrow.

"Top surgery?" he asked.

Stiffly, Spock nodded.

"You should be fully recovered by the beginning of the Autumn semester," Pike said, putting the PADD down. "So why are you giving this to me?"

Spock shifted uncomfortably.

"If there are... complications I would like someone at the Academy the be informed as to what happened and why," he explained. "I have chosen you to act as that person and hope that you keep this information confidential."

"Of course I will," Pike assured him. "And your reasoning make perfect sense. Good luck."

Before leaving, Spock nodded, formally, and said, "Thank you, Captain."

It was good to have a routine again after two months. Spock had just had his first shower since returning to the Academy. Thankfully, he hadn't bumped into Leonard. He'd managed to find some jeans in one of the bags he had yet to unpack. However, once he had put them on, a knock came from his bathroom door and the door opened, revealing a nervous looking Leonard.

"Hey! I was just gonna go get lunch and was wonderin'..." he said, trailing off as his gaze took in the scars on the Vulcan's chest and frowning slightly, before schooling his expression as he lifted his eyes. "I was wonderin' if you'd like to join me."

"Yes," Spock levelly told him. "Yes, I would like to have lunch with you."

After a moment, Spock pulled his gaze away from Leonard's face.

"Great!" Leonard happily replied, before tentatively resting a hand on the door frame. "Look, if you don't want to tell me, I won't ask."

Spock nodded.

"I... I would like to tell you," he murmured, nervously meeting Leonard's eyes. "Give me a moment?"

"Sure." Leonard said, carefully taking a few steps into the room.

After a minute of digging around, Spock found a black t-shirt. He put it on and didn't move for a while, before sitting on his bed. Leonard pointed at the bed, questioningly, and, when Spock nodded, he sat next to him.

"I am transgender." Spock eventually told his friend, as calmly as possible.

"Okay," Leonard said, nodding. "So, I take it you had top surgery pretty recently?"

Spock nodded to confirm the assumption.

"I did not come to Earth only because I wanted to join Starfleet," he explained. "I also knew of the acceptance and resources I would find here. Neither of which were available to me on Vulcan."

Cautiously, Leonard placed a hand on Spock's knee.

"Don't worry. I know." he reassured him.

Spock met his gaze.

"Are you surprised?" he asked.

"No, I'm not," Leonard replied, smiling. "It's just something I didn't know about you."

"That is a logical outlook on it." Spock commented, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Well, you know me; Mr Logical!" Leonard joked, before getting to his feet and telling Spock, "Look, we can postpone lunch if you don't want to go out. We can go another day."

Quickly, Spock also got to his feet.

"No. I have been meaning to ask you to join me in eating lunch, or dinner, myself for quite some time now," he admitted. "I will not pass up the opportunity now that you have asked me."

Leonard was gaping at him.

"Seriously?" he gasped. At Spock's firm nod, he asked, "You're absolutely certain?"

"I am." Spock insisted, an eyebrow now raised.

Leonard breathed heavily in disbelief, a silly grin on his face.

"Well, let's get going then!"

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creativeashproductions · 7 years

Text

Lamentable // Archie Andrews

Summary: After graduation you move in with Archie to begin your life together when something halts it in a way you didn’t expect. Determined to stay with you Archie cares for you in both bad and good times. Besides it’s always nice to have Fred as another father.

Characters: Archie Andrews x Reader, Fred Andrews, Betty Cooper, Veronica Lodge, Jughead Jones, Hermione Lodge, Kevin Keller and Josie McCoy

Words: 2688

Disclaimer: I do now own Riverdale or the characters. I do not own any gifs that appear in this either or images because they’re probably off google images.

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, puking, cancer, and a little fluff

Author: Caitsy

A/N: I didn’t explicitly say what kind of cancer it was because I’ve never had cancer nor has anyone close to me had it. I’m not a doctor so I entirely researched on it plus I’m Canadian so American health system isn’t something I think about often.

Master List

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It was a never ending cycle of hope and disappointment when you first went to the doctor about your medical problem. It hurt more when you were diagnosed with early onset cancer and your chances of kids with your boyfriend Archie were slim to none. It hurt when you were told that and it hurt more when you had to tell Archie. How does one tell their significant other than they were dying?

It was only one year since you graduated high school and got into college. You were interning at a good company while Archie was working with his father to earn more money for school. It was something you had both talked about, while you interned and went to school Archie would work at the family company and still do music.

Compromise. A wonderful thing when you do it right.

Archie noticed that you were being exceptionally quiet during supper leading him to hound you for answers.

“Seriously what’s going on?” Archie demanded placing his fork down beside the meal.

 “Nothing.” You shifted pushing your mashed potatoes around the plate unsure how to tell him.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I went to the doctor a week ago for blood work because I was feeling sick.”

“I know. I told you to go.” Archie replied leaning back into your chair.

“I was called in yesterday to go over the results. Arch, it’s bad. Really bad.” You bit your lip remember how terrible it was go from seeing a bright future to a bleak unknown black hole of a future.

“We’ll get through it. We’ve gotten through worse babe.”

You pushed your plate back standing up to move towards Archie’s side of the table to sit on his lap. His eyes scanned your face taking note of the slight loss of weight you had ever since you had the flu three weeks ago. You had bags under your eyes peaking through the makeup under each eye.

“No. Archie nothing is worse than this.” You whispered leaning into his touch when his arms circled your waist, “I have cancer Archie.”

“How long have you know.” He whispered taken aback.

“Yesterday afternoon. I’ve been going over the conversation and what’s going to happen. You should leave me Archie, I’m going to be an empty shell of the woman you’ve seen since we were kids.”

“I don’t ever leave you because you’re sick.”

“I’m going to go through hell Archie if I decide to treat it. There will be months maybe ever years of radiation, chemo and pills. I will waste away as it goes on, I will be a hairless ugly mole rat on the cusp of death.” You harshly told him, “I don’t want you to have the image of me. I want you to remember me as healthy.”

“Y/N Y/L/N, nothing you say will make me leave you.” Archie sweetly replied brushing your grown out hair out of the way, “If you lose your hair I will shave mine off.”

“But I love your hair.”

“I love you more than something I can grow back again.” Archie said, “Now eat because I need you to be strong through this.”

You pressed a lingering kiss to his lips before grabbing your plate to sit closer to the man you loved with all your heart. You pushed back the nausea to eat smiling down at you plate when Archie’s foot curled around your leg.

“I’ll do it.”

“Do what?”

“I’ll do treatment for you.” You chirped before slowly making your way through your dinner lost in thought of what would begin soon enough.

You saw countless doctors over the next month at each doctors appointment that Archie would come to with you. Excuse after excuse would be fed to your friends and family in the dark time your were going through even as they got more and more suspicious. Chemo began quickly with firstly using your arm and it sucked.

You took your college classes online via video feed and stopped your interning. You were too tired to leave the apartment. You no longer hung out with your friends in the evenings, you avoided public places in fear of infection. Soon enough people started demanding answers. When your hair began to fall out you decided it was time.

Everyone came to Archie’s childhood home, barring anyone ill, when you requested to see them. You were stationed on the couch under a blanket with a bucket on the ground. The chemo made you vomit multiple times and you had no appetite anymore.

“Babe. Wake up.” Archie whispered kissing your cheek. You shifted coming out of your sleep when he came into view, “They’re here. I saw the vehicles. Dad’s back from work too.”

“Okay.” You yawned slowly moving to sit up against the arm of the couch. People trickled in behind Fred to sit on the open spaced.

“Hey.” You drowsily treated everyone covering your mouth when you yawned.

“Long time no see.” Jughead teased sitting next to Betty on the ground, “Why are we here exactly? Why aren’t we at your place?”

“Larger space here.” Archie replied grabbing your cold hand, “We have some news.”

“Okay?” Veronica trailed off confused.  

“I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been skipping hangouts and when I do I tend to fall asleep on Archie’s shoulder or I look tired.” You started, “You’ve noticed I wear sweaters more often and warm clothing. It’s because of this.”

You pushed your sleeve up for them to see the taped down IV in your arm that was unlike anything they had seen. Jughead took note of how skinny you had become, how tired both Archie and you looked like, the paleness of your skin, the bucket beside your side and covered in a blanket. He slowly put the facts together just as you spoke.

“It’s cancer.” Your voice break as tears began to skin over your cheeks.

In sync everyone grabbed someone’s hand pressing a hand to their mouth and cried for you. It was unlike anything you had seen. It was both heartbreaking and beautiful to watch how much you were loved. Archie slowly took your hat off to show the thinning hair you had developed.

“How long have you had it.” Veronica cried reaching out to grab your hand before pulling back unsure if it was okay to do so.

“A little over a month.” You admitted, “I had the flu and I got better for a week before I began throwing up. I thought I was pregnant so I went to the doctor. I wasn’t pregnant and I got the diagnosis.”

“What’s being done?” Betty asked rubbing her cheeks with her blue lightweight sweater sleeve. It was your favourite sweater she owned.

“I’m doing chemotherapy at the moment. We’ll be doing radiation next. My doctor is optimistic about it.” You explained coughing in your sleeve.

 “How much money is it?” Veronica interjected concerned.

“Veronica!” Betty exclaimed, “You don’t ask people that!”

“A lot of money.” Archie sighed, “It’s taking longer than we wanted to find finances for it.”

“Daddy will write you a check. He loves Y/N like another daughter. No arguments.”

“Whatever.” You grunted making a face, “Archie can you help me to the bathroom?”

Archie was pushed to sit back down as Betty urgently brought you towards the bathroom just before collapsed on to the ground in front of the toilet. Veronica back followed behind to lock the door and lean against it. She watched disgusted as you shook from the force of your throw up. It hadn’t hit her until she really took in your appearance.

“You okay?” Betty asked rubbing your back and you heaved yourself against the wall, “Didn’t you have a bucket in the living room?”

“It’s rude to puke in front of so many people.” You groaned as Veronica handed you the spare toothbrush you kept in the bathroom when Archie and you stayed over at his childhood home. You took care to scrub the vomit taste from your mouth before you returned to the living room.

Everyone avoided your eyes as you collapsed onto the couch with a deep sigh and noticed your were sweating from the exertion. Archie retook your hand in his as you settled into your seat. Fred sat on your other side offering his support in your fight.

“I’m sorry you got handed this hand.” Fred softly told you. You smiled in response before Archie pulled you off the couch with your items.

“We should get home. We have to be at the hospital tomorrow for an appointment.” Archie said as he helped you into your jacket, “Also Veronica. Don’t pay for it please, we’ll find out a way.”

“Sure.” Veronica said with a small smirk you didn’t see with you backs to her. The minute you were out the door she turned to everyone, “I’m so paying for the treatment.”

Fred normally would argue but in such a sensitive time he was more than happy to help pay but with the machinery he had to buy in the last year money was tight. It seemed the last few years weren’t going well. Starting with the year that Jason was murdered. It seemed Riverdale was a never ending town of misery.

“Out of everyone she was the one to get cancer. It should have been Cheryl.” Jughead huffed picking up his bag from the ground.

 “Juggie nobody deserves cancer.” Betty soothed rubbing his shoulder.

“I hate the Blossoms just as much as you do Jughead but Betty’s right.” Fred said from his seat.

“Oh I’m sorry did the scum family wrongly get your father imprisoned for murder?” Jughead spat gripping the bag harder, “I have to get to Pops. I have a shift and I’d like to get another chapter in first.”

In a huff of black and angst he fled the house into the afternoon light with Betty on his heels aiming to soothe his emotional wounds once more. Veronica took a glance at the house of the boy she had dated for a year before she shared a smile with Fred.

“It’s nice your doing that.” Fred said, “I know you love Archie.”

“Loved Mr. Andrews.” Veronica smiled, “Archie and I had a wonderful time together but we weren’t meant to be like he and Y/N are.”

“I guess they were startgame.” Fred fondly spoke getting a giggle from the young woman.

“It’s endgame Mr. Andrews.” Veronica chuckled joining Kevin at the door with Josie in tow. She waved before walking into the sunny light mind set on designing a dress for her friend.

Stuck in a hospital bed was not something you wanted around Christmas. You had gotten sick at your parents house when they felt the window open for the frigid air to come in. You were rushed by ambulance to the hospital in the city of Chicago for better treatment. You hands were curled around the warmth in your hands.

“It was getting thin but I didn’t think this would happen.” You cried looking up at Betty and Veronica. Jughead had dragged Archie out for a night together despite protesting leaving you.

“You’re still beautiful.” Veronica whispered rubbing your cheek with her hand.

“I look like a bad cosplayed Professor X!” You exclaimed looking up at them, “I want it gone.”

 “We all want it g-“

“No I want my hair gone.” You sniffled watching as they shared looks before Betty went out to talk to a nurse, “I’m not pretty.”

“You are gorgeous.” Veronica sternly said looking at her watch, “Oh god. I’m late for lunch with Daddy. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

You mumbled a goodbye as Veronica fled the room leaving you alone with your hair in your hands. You were tired of everything. You were tired of causing Archie to not sleep. You were tired of Archie crying when he thought you were sleeping and you hated he only sang sad songs now. You wanted it over.

“Hey.” Betty whispered with a nurse by her side. The nurse holding a closed case in her hands. They helped you into the bathroom where the nurse handed you an electric razor.

It was therapeutic as you shaved off what you should reach before you handed it to Betty with a smile. You trusted Betty and there wasn’t anyone else you would want to finish the job, you both cried together until you were ushered back to bed.

“Knock knock!” Veronica called from the doorway with her mother behind her.

“I thought you had lunch?”  “I may have told a white lie…” Veronica trailed off walking in with things in her hands.

“Ronnie told me you were feeling down on yourself and she came to me.” Hermione said taking a seat next to your bed, “I pulled a few strings and we got some things shipped with a well known friend of ours. Pierce Jacobs is a beauty specialist with a background of celebrity makeup, hair and fashion.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“We didn’t.” Veronica grinned, “Pierce gave Betty and me tips to do so we can make it more personal.”

Together they unpacked a box filled with countless makeup and even head wraps of different designs and colours. A dress cover was situated in the corner before they began to work on you.

“I’ve always loved your eyes.” Betty smiled taking the time to apply primer to your face before putting eye shadow primer on your lids.

Veronica carefully chose the colours for your eye makeup just as Betty finished with a grin. The time was filled with gossip like it was back in high school during sleepovers. It was much different being in a hospital room in Chicago but it worked because you were surrounded by people you loved.

The dress of something you wouldn’t normally wear but you loved it to bits from the design to the colour of choice. It wasn’t incredibly long but it was too short either and it covered the IV from prying eyes. You decided on the head scarf with Hermione’s help before the door to your room was swung open.

The dropping of something made you turn to see Archie standing in the door way with a shock for you. Fred was bald like completely hairless on his head. Your jaw dropped as you saw Archie shifting on his feet.

“I knew you were going to shave your head sometime.” Fred informed you, “I thought we could be cute Sphinx cats together.”

“I was going to but Dad didn’t let me.”

“I love your red hair.” You mumbled stepping forward to run your hands through his hair with a small smile. There was something about Archie that made you feel alive ever since you realized how you really felt about him.

You however didn’t notice when everybody tricked out of the room leaving you two alone in your hospital room. You missed him at nights when visiting hours ended and you were left alone unable to sleep.  “I love you.” Archie mumbled his lips lingering on your forehead. You weren’t sure how late it was but you were tired and not looking forward to tomorrow’s chemo. It was your last before you had an appointment with your oncologist.

Sighing with you eyes closed you danced in your room to the sound of silence, well when someone’s heart monitor wasn’t beeping.

“Someone died this morning.” You whispered.

“Let’s not talk about that.” Archie said slowly twirling you every one in a while until he stopped where he needed to be.

“I can’t help but think when I’m going to be next.”

“Not until we’re grey and old.” Archie whispered removing his hands from your waist. Confused you opened your eyes to see that Archie was now on his knee with a beautiful ring, “Will you marry me?”

“Yes.” You cried jumping into his arms.

“I told you I’m in for the long run.” Archie murmured against your hair, “It’s a plus that I’ll get to stay with you at night also.”

“I love you Archie.”

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dactyliin-blog · 7 years

Text

Many of Spock’s earlier memories are of cool evenings spent on his mother’s lap, watching the swift, bright motion of aluminum needles as she knit. Amanda was an accomplished diplomat, an exemplary representative of the human race to Vulcan. However, she took a certain amount of pride in ensuring that both her husband and son were equipped with loose, thick sweaters, hats, and even mittens for their semiannual trips off-world.

“It’s what your grandma would have called a labor of love,” Amanda explained when Spock reached the age when he thought to ask why she made the items of clothing when it would have been more practical (and, he carefully did not say, more aesthetically pleasing) to purchase or replicate what was needed. “I knit sweaters for you and your father because it’s how I let you know I care. When you wear them, it feels to me like you’re saying that you care as well. Does that make sense?”

It had, in fact, seemed extremely illogical at the time. Spock had said so, yet had not protested when Amanda began to teach him how to wield a pair of needles. His first project, a scarf, had been far from satisfactory, and yet Amanda had insisted on wearing it whenever she ventured out to visit the Vulcan marketplace. Intrigued by the difficulty of something that Spock felt ought to have been simple, he continued to learn what Amanda had to teach about different needles, yarn weights and materials, and various stitching methods. Spock found that the practice allowed for an increase in manual dexterity that served him well following his acceptance into Starfleet Academy.

Spock does not understand Amanda’s meaning until long after his graduation and appointment aboard the USS Enterprise. Indeed, it is 2.764 years into their five year mission before Spock looks up from installing a makeshift electrical grid into a crashed shuttlecraft, sees his captain, James Kirk, rubbing his arms to generate heat in the strange planet’s cool environment, and feels his fingers twitch.

“I’m fine,” Jim says when Spock inquires as to the captain’s health. “Besides, you run hotter than I do. I should be worrying about you, Mr. Spock.” Jim’s gaze brushes over Spock’s person. He smiles, his eyes seeming to soften when they meet Spock’s again. Since Pon Farr, there has been an understanding between them- no words spoken, nothing discernibly changed, and yet...

Merino wool, Spock thinks wildly. Worsted, and dyed a shade of blue to match Jim’s eyes.

Spock had purchased several skeins of yarn in just such a shade only weeks prior, though the reason behind his preference for the color had eluded even him at the time, and stored them in a cabinet separate from his small cache of knitting supplies.

Following their rescue and Dr. McCoy’s reluctant agreement to release them from his medical care, Spock adjourns to his quarters on the pretext of needing to meditate. Spock removes the yarn from its cabinet, selects a pair of circular needles, and begins to knit.

Jim finds him there several hours later. He does not knock on the door to Spock’s quarters, but enters unannounced and throws himself, Kirk-like, onto the low couch that Spock is seated before. He has made this a habit: walking into Spock’s quarters post-mission, often to request a game of chess or to simply nap among the cushions that are arranged throughout the living area.

“What are you making,” Jim says after a long moment of silence. He is not looking at Spock- in fact, has one arm thrown over his face, yellow sleeve obscuring any possibility of visual contact.

“An item of clothing,” Spock says.

“I didn’t know you knit,” Jim says. He kicks his boots off of his feet one at a time over the arm of the couch. He turns so that he is on his side, facing toward Spock.

“My mother,” Spock says. “I acquired the skill from her when I was young. She took particular care to ensure that both my father and I were adequately clothed.” As they speak, Spock continues to work the yarn over the knitting needles. The metal tools rasp against each other.

Jim says, “Your human mother.”

“My only mother,” Spock says. Jim laughs.

“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me about her before,” Jim says. “Her, or Sarek. Until they were on my ship.”

“Vulcans are typically considered to be a secretive species,” Spock says. He pulls at the significant length of material that has begun to hang from the needles.

“Yes,” Jim says. “I know. But-” he sits up and slides off of the couch to join Spock on his meditation mat. Spock raises one eyebrow.

“This is going to be emotional,” Jim says. “Fair warning.”

Spock raises his other eyebrow, and sets his needles aside.

“I feel like I know you better than I know my own family,” Jim says after a moment. “We work together, fight together, play chess together- we practically live in each others pockets. I feel like we belong to each other. And then there are some days, like today, when we get stranded on an ice planet and have to huddle together for warmth, and I think maybe- maybe-” Jim shakes his head. “And then we get back up here, and you disappear and when I find you I find out that you knit. Or I find out that you have a human mom. Or I find out that you’ve actually got a wife, who literally tries to murder you in the divorce.”

“Jim-”

“What I’m saying,” Jim says, “is that I’m really tired of not being in the loop with you. And I would like to be. In the loop. And also in your bed, just to be clear. I’m saying that I’m in love with you in the worst way imaginable. Oh, God.”

Jim lifts his hands to cover his face. He scrubs his palms over his cheeks once, twice, and then lowers them to regard Spock steadily.

“T’Pring was not my wife,” Spock says. Jim groans. Spock pushes on.

“Jim,” he says. “Today I remembered a saying that my mother uses often- that her work was a labor of love. A way to express that which cannot be spoken. That which- perhaps- has gone unspoken for far too long.”

“Oh,” Jim says. “Oh.” He glances down at the haphazard pile of yarn at Spock’s side.

“I would very much like to share my bed with you as well, Jim,” Spock says. He is summarily unprepared for Jim to throw himself into Spock’s arms.

Some weeks later, Spock presents the finished sweater to Jim, who insists on wearing it throughout the day- even over his uniform while on the bridge. It is wholly illogical, and yet Spock finds himself pleased at the sight of Jim, in his captain’s chair, curling his fingers into long, soft sleeves.

#spirk #spirk ficlet #fair warning this is p long for a ficlet #and i spent a couple hours today going over old creative writing notes #so like...i might have taken the off topic dialogue and the whole understatement in contemporary lit thing a little too seriously #whatever

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janeykath318 · 7 years

Text

Sand, Sun, and A Grumpy Doctor 1

Pairing: Fem! Kirk x Bones

Prompt 7.You’re famous and just got asked whether you were ever in love. This should be good--wait wHAT?

"Please welcome our very special guest and star of the recent blockbuster hit Starship, Jenna Kirk!!!"

The enthusiastic voice on the television startled the half dozing man from his slumber on the sofa. Rubbing his face blearily, he reached for the remote to turn off the television he wasn't really watching anyway.

His movements were arrested with the sight of the lovely blonde woman striding confidently on stage to join the talk show host. His jaw dropped. It was her. His mind finally connected the name with the star and he swallowed as the wave of memories crashed over him. She was just as beautiful as he remembered, if less bubbly than he'd known her. Time changed everyone, he reflected, even movie starlets. How many years had it been since he'd unknowingly encountered her leading to an ill-fated, but passionate romance?

"Oh, Jen," he sighed under his breath. "I'm glad you're happy."

Despite his better judgment, Leonard McCoy kept watching the interview, wanting to see Jen in her native habitat. He wondered if she was still dating that famous producer Spock she'd been rumored to be head over heels for a couple years ago, not that he cared or anything. She could do what she liked.

Jen answered the question's smoothly and graciously, charming the host and the audience with her easygoing humor. That was one quality public Jen and private Jen both had and had been the undoing of Leonard "Bones" McCoy.

He'd been sent on a forced vacation after he'd had a health scare brought on by the stress of working in the ER. Despite the sun and sand, he'd sat in the beach chair well covered with sunscreen, sun hat, and sunglasses sulking and grumbling under his breath about interfering head nurses and how it was all Christine's fault if he got skin cancer. His rather unjust musings were interrupted by a female voice from nearby.

"I've never seen anyone so unhappy to be relaxing on one of the nicest beaches in the world."

He looked up and squinted as a stunning blonde appeared in front of him, wearing a very floppy sun hat, expensive looking sunglasses and a breezy coverup over her swimsuit.

"I don't like to be idle," he grunted. "But they made me take a vacation because they thought I'd keel over. My old bones are much happier fixing people than lounging on a beach."

"Wow, that's a statement you don't hear very often," the woman commented, running her sandal clad foot through the sand with a delighted expression on her face.

"Prob'ly not," he admitted. "Most people actually WANT to come here. I'm wired differently."

"Workaholic?" She asked.

"You could say that," Leonard sighed, averting his eyes as she plopped her bag and towel down a few yards away and began shimmying out of her cover up. Oh, great. He strongly considered picking up and moving to another location as he caught a glimpse of hot pink and skin. He pulled his hat down lower and buried his face in a medical magazine to avoid temptation. Goodness knows he didn't need to get involved in some random flirtation or make himself look like a creep.

He smelled suntan lotion as a spray can hissed. Good, she had basic common sense. A lot of beachgoers were more obsessed with getting tan and didn't care about what UV rays really did.

"You wouldn't mind spraying my back, would you? I can never get enough there," the mysterious woman implored, shocking Leonard by the request.

"Umm, sure. That's uh......very trusting of you," he babbled, taking the can thrust into his hand.

"Oh, I pride myself on being a good judge of character," the blonde said, turning her back to him so he could apply the sunscreen. "You definitely aren't giving off creepy vibes; you just want peace and quiet. I promise I'll leave you to it, doctor."

He thoroughly coated her back and handed back the Can, face turning a bit red, but not from the sun.

"Thank you, kind stranger!" She said, bestowing another beautiful smile on him before waving and sauntering away.

"You're welcome, ma'am. Don't forget to reapply often!" He called after her, quickly returning to his reading. (Good night, she had LEGS!!)

Fortunately, or unfortunately, that random encounter was not the only time Leonard met the blonde.

Two days later, he was swimming in the unbelievably beautiful water when she reappeared, a blur of blue and gold that shot by him and popped up beaming.

Startled, Len stared wildly before he remembered her.

"Your face is priceless!" She giggled. "I've never seen such a great bugged out expression. Your eyes look like they're about to pop out of their sockets!"

"I'm glad you're so amused," he spluttered, shaking water out of his eyes. Today, she had on what looked like a short sundress made for the water. It was light blue and unbelievably cute on her.

"Having fun?" He asked indulgently.

"You betcha, Doctor. I'm Jenna, by the way."

"Leonard McCoy," he responded. "Pleased to meet ya. Even an old grump like me had to admit this water is awfully fine."

"Old? You?" She said in a tone of disbelief, looking at him like he was the best thing since sliced bread. "Hardly! I find it difficult to believe someone hasn't snatched you up already."

He shrugged, trying to hide under the water as much as possible.

"Been there, done that. She took everything but my bones in the divorce. No desire to ruin anyone else's life."

This came out somewhat more bitterly than he'd intended, but Jocelyn had made no secret of the fact she considered her cheating on him was HIS own fault.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Leonard," she said. "Won't you let me be your friend, though? No lives need be ruined, I promised. What could it hurt?"

Well, he hadn't been able to resist her imploring look and had agreed, thus changing the course of that summer.

He snapped out of his daydreams as the host asked Jenna a question.

"In your new movie, your character has a very delightful banter-filled relationship with the chief engineer. Have you ever had a real life relationship like that?"

Jenna smiled thoughtfully.

"Oh, yes I have. It was the best one of my life. We knew each other so well, and would practically finish each other's sentences. He was one of the glass half empty type and I'm the opposite, so we balanced each other out. I don't think I'll ever had a love quite like I had with Bones."

Leonard's heart stopped. She'd basically name dropped him on national television. Guess she had been more affected than he thought.

"Why do you call him Bones, if I may ask? The host inquired, looking intrigued.

"Oh, it was a nickname I gave him when he was grumbling about having nothing But His bones," Jenna explained a touch nervously. "He pretended to be such a grouch, but really wasn't."

"Don't go blowin' my cover," he muttered, a smile tugging at his lips.

"What happened?" The host asked.

"Oh, you know, our career paths were on opposite sides of the country in addition to the fact that I kind of blew it by not being truthful about who I was right from the start." She looked right at the screen and pointed at the audience.

"Kids, take a lesson from me, if you fall for some nice person, honesty is a key part of a relationship. Leave the acting for drama class and the movie cameras. Hi, Bones, if you're out there. Hope life is treating you well!"

Leonard sighed longingly as the interview returned to questions about the Starship movie. Jenna probably didn't even know about his relocation from Georgia to San Francisco. She was much closer now, but completely out of reach.

#kirk x mccoy #kirk x bones #mckirk #my fics #genderswap #reblog

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adenil-umano · 7 years

Note

spones prompt where someone tries to set McCoy up on a blind date and it turns out to be with Spock who McCoy is already well-acquainted with but the other person doesn't know they already know each other.

Chirp. Chirp.

With a growl, Leonard rolled over and smacked at the communicator. He pulled the covers up over his head and tried to fall back to sleep. But then—

Chirp. Chirp.

He snatched at the communicator and snapped it open. “What!”

“Bo~ones,” Jim sing-songed. “Are you ready for your date?”

Leonard buried his head into the pillowed. “M’not going.”

“C’mon, Bones! I spent four weeks talking you up to this guy. You need to get out of the dorm and start meeting people.”

“No I don’t.”

“Bones.”

The testiness in Jim’s voice made Leonard wince. “Jim, I’m tired,” he said, definitely not whining. “I had to do a major reconstruction yesterday and the paperwork took four hours to finish!”

“Terrible,” Jim said, not sounding really that interested. “By the way I’m at your door.”

“What!”

He scrambled to his feet just as Jim finished picking the lock. Leonard tried to shove Jim back out but Jim just barrelled on in. “Hurry up! Geeze, you’re going to go dressed like that? The no-shirt thing might be successful, but no one ever said banana pajamas were a good look.”

“Jim,” he warned.

“Here, try this.” Jim pulled a relatively clean shirt out of the pile. “It’s got buttons, so he’ll be impressed.”

Sensing that there was no winning against the might of Jim’s annoyance, Leonard resigned himself to his fate. He got dressed and even ran a brush through his hair. Jim gave him a breath mint and he crunched on it all down the stairs and out the door. He tried to tell himself that Jim wouldn’t set him up for failure as he took the train out of the city center.

Truthfully, Jim had been talking about this guy for nearly a year now. Every chance he got he told Leonard about his new friend from Philosophy club who Leonard would probably love to meet. Leonard had stalwartly refused, knowing he didn’t have time between studying and his residency to maintain many more friendships. Somehow Jim had interpreted this to mean he was looking for a romantic relationship and the issue had snowballed from there. Finally Leonard had agreed to meet him just so he could let the guy down easily.

Jim had said that he would recognize the man because he’d be wearing a green hat. Leonard scanned the crowd at the park swiftly, already rehearsing his, “it’s not either of us, it’s Jim” pre-dating break-up speech. As he looked he caught sight of one of his patients and his blood began to boil.

“Hey! You’re supposed to be under observation.”

Spock slowly turned to look at him, one eyebrow raising under his–fuck. Fuck! That was a green hat! “Doctor.”

“Uh.”

Spock frowned. He was a damn menace and an all-around awkward person. He graced the halls of the hospital more often than he should, since Earth’s gravity tripped him up and Physics was one of the most unstable of the sciences, usually landing in Leonard’s lap since he was one of the few doing a xenobiology residency.

Leonard could see that his arm was still in a sling, bandaged to high heaven from the damn surgery he’d had yesterday. “If you will excuse me, I am waiting for someone.”

“Someone sent by one James “Terrible Friend” Kirk?”

Spock blinked.

Leonard sighed. “What are you doing out of the hospital, anyway?”

“I…had a date,” Spock said blankly.

“Uh-huh.” Leonard had no idea what to do, so he blustered. “Should’a known better than to leave you anyway. You snuck out three days early when I fixed those burns.”

“They were far less severe than you assumed.”

“And the time with the blood loss?”

Spock’s ear twitched. “It came back.”

Leonard sighed. “Here, let me have a look at you.”

He approached and began poking at Spock’s arm. It had been a difficult surgery and would require more time to heal since Spock was part Vulcan, but it didn’t look like Spock had hurt himself further. Spock patiently accepted his examination, his eyes following Leonard’s hands.

“You seem fine,” Leonard said, annoyed. “But you better not let me catch you doing something so fool-headed again.”

Spock raised a brow. “I had an appointment to keep I did not wish to miss.”

“Oh yeah? And all those other times, I suppose you had dates then, as well.”

Spock was quiet, then, “No,” he said, very softly. “Jim has spoken very highly of you, Doctor.”

“Oh?” Leonard tried to scoff, but he was blushing.

“He neglected to mention your profession, however. A curious oversight.” Spock’s brown eyes scanned him coolly. “This is acceptable. Where will you be taking me this evening?”

Leonard spluttered. “What? I mean, I was going to…” He stopped himself from saying dump you in the nick of time.

Spock just stared at him.

“I-I was going to…” He looked around quickly. “Take you for a walk…around the park?”

“Acceptable.” Spock offered him his non-broken arm and Leonard numbly took it. “Proceed.”

Leonard took a step. Then another. He desperately searched for some bit of small talk to occupy them. “So…uh… You and Jim met…through Philosophy club?”

“Indeed.”

“I thought you were a physicist?”

“I engage in many intellectual pursuits. Unlike one pursuing a medical degree I find that diversifying my learning is beneficial.”

Was that an insult? Leonard decided to get insulted. Just in case. “Bunch of abstract nothing, that’s what that is. Medicine is applied ethics.”

“An application without relevance.”

Okay, definitely an insult. Leonard grabbed onto the thread of conversation with both hands and tugged. If Spock thought he could best Leonard in the game of philosophy he had another thing coming. He opened his mouth.

They argued for the better part of four hours. Spock was witty and biting and Leonard was exhilarated and annoyed. They walked around the park until Leonard was exhausted and Spock made some crack about the limitations of the human body, then they got down the path of arguing about subjective meanings of bodily functionality, until pretty soon they were discussing the pros and cons of space colonization and then eventually they circled back around to medicine where they stayed until Spock abruptly looked up at the sky.

“It has grown dark,” he said, sounding mildly surprised.

“You can’t distract me. You said an ethical basis in the absence of harm is untenable for medicine as a whole, and I say—”

Spock stopped him with a peck on the cheek.

Leonard blinked, utterly gobsmacked.

“I meant no distraction,” Spock said mildly. “Merely that this conversation might be better concluded in a warmer environment.” His lip twitched. “My doctor has informed me I should take better care of my health. Will you accompany me home? I have tea.”

Spock looked so nervous that Leonard’s heart nearly melted. He felt himself soften. “Well,” he drawled. “I suppose I could be amenable to that. I, ah, need to keep an eye on that arm of yours anyway.”

“Indeed.” Spock’s lip twitched again. “You were saying? Regarding the ethical structure of the Hippocratic Oath?”

“As I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted…” Leonard continued, glaring good-naturedly at Spock as they walked together out of the park, sniping under the silver moon.

#spones #leonard mccoy #spock #adenil writes #allislaughter #best part of this is he never takes the hat off

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mystierium · 5 years

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Stuck With the X Men I

I sadly do not own X men I only own my original character.

My name is Erin and I'm 16 years old. I don't like dresses, skirts, make up, or any thing to girls really. I can count my group of closest friends on one hand. I have shoulder length wavy, brown-red hair with bangs that cover the upper part of my face and my icy blue eyes. I have a splash of freckles that go across my nose and cheeks. Many people mistaken me for a boy because of my flat figure and because of the clothes that I wear which are usually my favorite black converse, loose fitting camouflage cargo shorts that end just below my knees, a slightly oversized black batman hoodie, and my signature black X men SnapBack. Not that I ever try to correct them. I really don't care what they think. That and I can be incredibly shy. I usually keep to my self and ride my skate board around town. Other than that I stay home and watch my favorite super hero shows and read comics. Right now I'm hooked on the X men series.

On was on a cloudy summer day that my story begins.

I rode my skate board home on my way back from the movie store after renting the first season of X men evolution. I look up at the sky trying to beat the coming store. ' I really hope I don't get caught in the storm.' I finally got my house and ran inside just as it started pouring outside. The house is quiet because mom and dad are away on business trips. I set my skate board against the wall by the door and go to the kitchen to make some popcorn. By the time the popcorn is ready the storm outside has gotten much worse with loud thunder and lightning. I head towards the living room with my bowl of popcorn and cup of soda and turn the movie. Just as the second episode begins the screen goes white. " aww really? Now you decide to be a butt." I know I must sound crazy talking to the tv but hey. I never said I was sane. ( just kidding) I walked up to the tv and started mess with the controls when all of a sudden bolt of lightning hit the house and then everything went black.

" He was just there knocked out in the woods. " 'It sounded like the voice of Logan in the cartoon. No that's impossible.' " maybe he can tell us how he got their when he wakes up." This time it sounded as if it the voice was coming from the character beast. I begin to open my eyes and I'm blinded by a light shining down on my face. I sit up immediately looking around the room as my eyes adjust. I'm sitting on a metal medical table in an infirmary. Both men in the room look at me in surprise. I thank god that my hat and bangs cover most of my face because I am in utter shock. Standing almost 3 feet away from me is Logan and beast. What shocked me even more was the fact that everything was in cartoon like in the show. I looked down at my clothes to see that I was dressed in my regular outfit just in cartoon. Even my iPod was still with me.

I look up again at beast and Logan who are both still staring at me in shock. I wave at them slightly and that seems to shake the. Out of their shock. Beast is the first to start talking.

" Hello young man I am Dr. McCoy but I am also known as beast. This here is Logan also known as wolverine. He is the one that found you in the woods. Could you please tell us your name and how you ended up unconscious in the woods?" I just stare at him to busy trying not to scream to speak. He looks at me as if realizing something.

" hmm... Could it be that you cannot speak?" He thinks for a moment. He walks over to his desk and returns with a notepad and a pen.

" here, write your answers on this notepad." He hands me the pen and notepad. I start writing.

'My name is Erin. I don't know how I got here.' I pass the notepad to beast. He reads it and nods showing it to Logan who's been standing off to the side watching the whole interaction between me and beast he continues to stare at me and I try to shrink farther into the back ground. He opens his mouth as if to speak.

So this is my first story please be nice. Thanks. :)

#xmen #wolverine and the xmen #fanfic #oc #wolverine #fanfiction #xmen fanfiction

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per-ineptia-ad-astra · 5 years

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Star Trek Episode 1.6: Mudd’s Women

AKA: This Is Your Brain On Venus Drugs

CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains scenes depicting an emotionally abusive relationship (sort of a proto-relationship, technically), involving one person insulting and eventually screaming in the face of another, which is very briefly described in this recap.

Alright, you remember back in Where No Man Has Gone Before when I said that that script was one of three that NBC was presented with to choose from for the second pilot? Well, this is one of the other two. It was not chosen then because the executives didn’t really like the idea of kicking off their new sci-fi show with an episode about a space pimp. Sorry, that’s a bit of inaccurate language on my part. They phrased it as ‘intergalactic pimp.’

And really, who can blame them for not liking this one? If I’d been one of those executives back then, I would have thrown this episode out too. Out a window, preferably.

But Roddenberry was never one to be deterred by questions like “are you sure this is appropriate for television” or “are you sure this is appropriate for anything really” or “why, Gene, why” so once the show was underway he pulled out the script again and got to filming. The results...well, they’re not pretty. But here we are.

Our episode begins with the Enterprise chasing down some random tiny unidentified ship that's running away from them. I dunno if they have a reason for going after this ship or if they just saw it fleeing and instinctively chased after it like a cat. Anyway, the Enterprise isn't having any trouble (for once) but the other ship is overtaxing its engines to dangerous levels. They also aren't responding to any of Uhura's hails. Incidentally, Uhura's wearing gold this episode. The Doylist reason for this is that this was one of the first episodes filmed (only the second, following the pilots) and they were still working things out (I guess ‘who wears what uniform’ wasn’t a priority in the design stage). But I like to think that Uhura just showed up in a Command uniform one day and was like, “Aw yeah, I'm taking control of this operation.”

[ID: Uhura sitting at her console, wearing a gold Command uniform.]

Rockin' it.

The two ships enter an asteroid field. The Enterprise is okay, but the little ship isn't; it's finally blown out its engines and can't use its deflectors. In real life, the asteroid belt we know of is so incredibly spread out, and has such a low total mass, that you'd have to be trying to hit something while flying through it. But who has time for real life, eh? Kirk orders Farrell at navigation to cover the ship with the Enterprise's own deflectors, even though Scotty says that will overload their engines. Kirk has them do it anyway. Of course he does.

After the titles, sure enough, the (di)lithium crystals are going one after the other, because someone didn't listen to Scotty. Scotty and Spock are trying to beam the crew of the other vessel aboard, but they're having trouble, until the ship finally sends out a distress signal at the last minute and they're able to get locked onto something. They beam aboard a man who has what I can only describe as an extremely singular sense of fashion.

[ID: A man with a handlebar mustache, a cowboy hat, a single earring, beaded blue pants, a frilly orange shirt open to the navel with a black shirt under it and a giant belt with one enormous belt buckle.]

The man introduces himself as Leo Walsh, and says there are three remaining members of his crew. He's very casual about the fact that said crew is on a ship that is blowing up faster than a marshmallow in a microwave. Meanwhile, yet another crystal has blown, leaving them on battery power. Scotty's having trouble with the transporter. Can't imagine why.

The little ship that couldn't finally goes, first being hit by an asteroid and then blowing up, but Scotty gets the remaining crew onboard in time. They turn out to be three women: one in a red dress, one in a green dress, and one in a purple...sweater...thing. The women stare seductively at the men. McCoy and Scotty stare back, transfixed. Spock looks confused. I feel ya, Spock.

After several tries, Kirk finally gets through to Scotty, and tells him to send the captain to Kirk's quarters if he can walk, and if he can't walk, send him anyway. Spock leads Walsh and the women down the corridor, and along the way everyone stops and stares at them. In the turbolift, Walsh deduces that Spock is part Vulcanian (yes, Vulcanian, they hadn't figured that one out yet either). I dunno how he figured that out since Spock is physically indistinguishable from a full Vulcan (or Vulcanian) but he does. Maybe they originally planned for full Vulcans to look more alien, I dunno. Anyway, Walsh takes that to be the reason why Spock is the only one not affected by these stunningly seductive sirens. You know how it goes, you don’t show conventional attraction, someone goes ��oh, you must be an alien” only in this case it’s literal. Unsurprisingly, the same does not turn out to be the case for Kirk, who is obviously extremely taken aback when the three women and their swelling background music walk into his cabin.

Kirk is introduced to Walsh and asks if the women are his crew. No, Walsh says. They're his cargo. Um.

After the break Kirk gives a captain's log about how seriously distracting these women are and sends them out of his cabin so he can concentrate. Spock, meanwhile, may not be affected by the strange “magnetic effect” the women have, but he is clearly highly amused by all this.

[ID: Spock leaning against a doorway with his arms crossed, head tilted, eyebrows raised, and generally just looking extremely sassy. Offscreen, Kirk is saying, “...on the male members of my crew...” ]

Walsh explains to Kirk that he only evaded the Enterprise because hey, you're flying a tiny little cargo ship, giant armed starship pulls up alongside you, what are you going to do. Not run away? That’s ridiculous. Kirk isn't interested in this explanation, though, and tells Walsh that he's convening a hearing on his actions and in the meantime he'll be confined to quarters. Although first we have to find some quarters, presumably.

On the bridge, Sulu and Farrell are going on about how compelling the women are, but Scotty's distracted by his one true love: the Enterprise. Specifically, that she's in pretty bad shape: they lost two crystals and the last remaining one is cracked, and they can't fix it because, uh, they broke something else. Honestly, the amount of times this happens, you'd think they'd start keeping spare crystals onboard.

Walsh meets up with the women in a briefing room, under the watchful eyes of two redshirts who are thankfully managing to still do their jobs, unlike most of the men in this episode. The women are freaking out, pointing out that they lost their ship, they're going in the wrong direction, and now they're on trial, and what are they going to do? Walsh tries to calm them down while clumsily trying to avoid saying anything too suspicious in earshot of the security guards. In particular he tells the women not to submit to any medical checks, and cuts one of them off when she asks, “But what about the--” Then another one calls him Harry. Whoops.

Scotty explains the dire engine situation to Kirk, bitterly bemoaning that Walsh not only destroyed his own ship but screwed up the Enterprise too. He even calls Walsh a jackass. Wow, language, Scotty. You can’t swear like that in the 60s. Even if it’s the Future 60s.

So with only one crystal left, and that one with a limited lifespan since it's channeling the entire ship's power on its own, they've got no choice but to go to a nearby mining facility and pick up some more crystals. Again. It's a good thing there are so many mining facilities scattered around the galaxy for the Enterprise to plunder. At least we don't have any irritating godlike beings that we have to abandon on this one. Although there’s an irritating regular being aboard that I’m sure Kirk would be pretty eager to abandon somewhere.

In the meantime, Kirk gets the hearing underway, though not before taking a moment to complain about the hypnotic effect the women are having on all the men. He doesn't do anything about it, though (you'd think he could put bags over their heads or something, I dunno), and naturally the hearing board is comprised entirely of men. Well, at least we've got Spock here.

Spock starts up the magic computer and tells Walsh to state his name for the record. But when he does, the computer says that's incorrect. See? I told you it was magic. Under pressure, Walsh finally reveals that his real full name is Harcourt Fenton Mudd. Which is pretty great, I dunno why you'd keep that hidden. Aside from all the criminal charges. Mudd insists he doesn't have any past offenses, but the computer says that's also incorrect, and brings up a police report. Apparently he's been convicted of smuggling, transport of stolen goods, and purchase of a vessel with counterfeit currency. And his sentence was...psychiatric treatment. Wow. I bet that went well.

Kirk says Mudd is charged with piloting a ship without a flight plan or identification beam and failing to answer a starship's signal, which makes him a menace to navigation. Also he was traveling without a license. Mudd says that the real Leo Walsh was going to be the captain of the ship, but he died suddenly (hmm) and Mudd was forced to take the ship out himself. And assumed Walsh's name as a courtesy to him. That's...a pretty weird way of paying your respects.

While all this is going on, the women are distracting the men by dialing up the seduction. This is one of those instances where the medium is kind of working against itself. It's an awful lot easier to write that a woman is supernaturally, hypnotically beautiful than to show that on screen with a regular human woman in some makeup. I mean, there's just only so much you can do with a soft focus.

Kirk asks Mudd what exactly it was that he was doing anyway, and Mudd reveals that he recruits wives for settlers. In other words, he's essentially running a mail-order bride company. Well, I doubt that it's any kind of legitimate company, but you get my drift.

The impetus for this whole thing is that Star Trek was conceived as a space western (wagon train to the stars!), and settlers in the wild west advertising for wives to come join them was a common thing, so they were playing off that. Apparently at no point did it occur to anybody that wholesale transplanting societal elements of the wild west into a space show taking place in the ENLIGHTENED FUTURE was not, perhaps, the best idea. So we get...this whole thing, and trust me, it only gets worse as the episode goes on.

No one really reacts to this revelation very much, although that's perhaps not surprising considering no one really reacted to Mudd referring to the women as his cargo earlier. Kirk asks the magic computer for information on the women. It doesn't have any, so he asks it to turn the sensor probe on them. The computer says it doesn't get anything from the women, but then it goes on to volunteer the information that the male crew members are all showing signs of, well, arousal. Seriously, it just says this entirely of its own volition. That is one passive-aggressive computer.

Kirk finally gets around to asking if the women are here voluntarily, and Mudd says of course they are—and this time the magic computer doesn't contradict him so he's probably telling the truth. We also finally get some names for them: Ruth in the green dress, Eve in the red dress, and Magda in the purple thing. Eve talks about how they all came from planets with no, or very few, men, and she personally had a miserable existence keeping house for her two brothers with little more than automated farm machines for company. And that does sound pretty rough! So instead, they're going to...go keep house for husbands on frontier planets with little more than automated machines for company. But that's better, because, uh...something. Eve at least does call the guys out on spending the entire episode ogling the three of them, but it's not going to get much better.

Kirk plans to hand Mudd over to the authorities for illegally operating a vessel. The women aren't being charged, but they're kinda stuck and not getting where they want to go. Eve begs Kirk to help them, but he puts her off (and addresses her by her last name, although that was never brought up—evidence grows for Kirk being able to read minds) and then gets distracted by the last crystal blowing out. So now they're running entirely on battery power. Great.

Mudd sees this as a golden opportunity, because now he has new husbands to offer the women: the miners that they're going to see on Rigel-12. The miners are lonely and isolated and, apparently, quite rich, so Mudd sees them as prime candidates. He exults to the women about how rich they're going to be, and says that he is going to be running the Enterprise and Kirk will soon be taking orders from him. I...don't know how he plans to accomplish that, but he seems pretty confident.

Kirk has Mudd confined to his quarters, but the women are free to roam around the ship seducing the men. Only men are mentioned: all of the men are affected, and none of the women are. Because here on the Enterprise we only have straight people, apparently.

Ruth stops by Sickbay to pester McCoy, not that he's real upset about this. As she walks by one of the scanners, it wigs out and starts beeping and flashing dots. Like Scotty and his warp engines, if there's one thing that can distract McCoy under any circumstances it's medicine, so his attention is quickly drawn to that and he asks Ruth to walk by it again. She does, and it does the same thing. McCoy says it's not supposed to do that. Well I would hope not, because it's not very helpful. He asks if she's wearing some weird perfume or anything radioactive. “Ah, yes, my uranium necklace, I forgot about that.”

With that mystery unresolved, Kirk walks into his quarters to find Eve stretched out on his bed. Seriously people, put some locks on your doors or something. Eve says she was taking a walk but had to find a place to duck into because all the men were staring at her. Which would make me want to hide too, but not in the captain's quarters. Anyway, Kirk and Eve have some typical Star Trek cheesy romantic dialogue, but it takes an unexpected turn when Eve suddenly pulls away and declares that she can't do this, no matter what Mudd says, and she hates the whole thing. Then she storms off, leaving Kirk looking pretty perplexed, since this is not how these things usually go for him.

Mudd is gathering intel from Magda and Ruth, who between them have found out that there are three miners on Rigel-12, that they're all young and healthy, and that their leader is named Ben Childress. Mudd's pretty happy with his plans so far, but then Eve comes in and starts to chew him out. She doesn't get very far, though, stricken with some sudden affliction that has her leaning against the wall and moaning about how it must be near the time. Oh my god, they're werewolves! Nah, probably not. That would actually be interesting.

Up on the bridge, Kirk is getting irritated at having to deal with his seriously distracted crew. He asks if McCoy examined Eve, but McCoy says she refused. Which surprises Kirk, because it's not like McCoy usually lets that stop him. The two of them have a conversation about the mysterious women, with McCoy wondering if they really are actually that beautiful or if there's something else going on. He briefly considers the possibility that they might be “alien illusions.” Keep in mind this was only the third episode filmed, so it's pretty impressive that the characters have already started to identify what will be running themes in their lives.

Anyway, for now McCoy doesn't manage to do anything but confuse both Kirk and himself. Meanwhile, Magda has acquired a communicator, which Mudd uses to contact Rigel-12. Speaking of Rigel-12, the Enterprise has finally reached it, but Spock says they can only sustain their orbit for three days. I feel like that's not how orbits work, but what do I know.

In Mudd's cabin, he's frantically searching for something in a chest of drawers, while the women look on desperately, for you see, they are becoming...less attractive. Well, kind of. Ruth looks a bit haggard, but Magda just kinda looks like her hair's a bit messed up, and Eve mostly looks tired. But they’re no longer in soft focus, a terrible fate for any TOS woman.

[ID: Ruth, a white woman with long, somewhat frizzled black hair and some shadows under her eyes, holding her hands up to her chin with an anguished expression and saying, “Look at my face.” ]

The women are demanding some kind of pills, which Mudd seems to have misplaced, although Eve calls them a cheat anyway. Eventually Mudd finds them under the mattress and gives a couple to Ruth and Magda. (They dry swallow them. Ew.) He has to talk Eve into taking one, though. Magda and Ruth are seeing the effects already: Ruth's complexion has cleared up and Magda's hair has magically done itself. Mostly, though, we know that they've gone from Unattractive to Attractive because their sultry background music is back. Eve looks at the pill in her hand unhappily, but we don't see her take it.

Spock, in a rare and rather bizarre case of sentimentalism, is looking over a spent crystal and musing that it's beautiful and it's a shame it had to be destroyed. Spock's not interested in superpowerfully beautiful women, but he appreciates a good shiny rock. Kirk points out that it was a choice between destroying the crystal or destroying Mudd's ship. Except his ship got destroyed anyway so that didn't work out real well all around.

The miners come in to chat with Kirk. He says he's authorized to pay them well for the crystals, but Childress, the head dude, says the miners might be looking to swap instead. What, is this a barter economy now? “Alright, I'll pay you ten chickens for each crystal.”

Actually, it turns out the miners want the women. But of course, they want to take a look at them first to see if they're to the miners' liking, so Childress tells Kirk to “trot them out.” Jesus fucking Christ, have we turned into a slave market over here? What is wrong with you people?

Oh, and Childress says that he's agreed to have the charges on Mudd dropped. How he has the authority to do this is not explained. I guess he has a lot of money, but that paints a depressing view of the enlightened future if people are still capable of just buying their way out of things. Kirk is so surprised and perplexed by all this that he bursts out laughing, while Spock just kind of sits down with a 'here we go' look on his face. Kirk says there's no deal, but Childress says without the women there'll be no crystals. Kirk starts to point out that not cooperating with the Federation could backfire pretty badly on the miners, but before he can get too far Mudd bursts in with all three women in tow. Kirk's desperate attempt to cut all this off is halted by the lights dimming, a sign that they're on half battery power now. Mudd points out that Kirk's got no choice: he needs those crystals or he's not going anywhere except into a rapidly decaying orbit and eventually the planet's surface.

After the break, Kirk, Spock and Mudd beam down to the planet to deal with the miners. It's a pleasant looking place, really the kind of planet you'd like to spend your whole life on.

[ID: A rocky, desolate, wind-blasted landscape, with a pinkish sky and three small domed buildings sticking up from the rocks, barely visible through air filled with dust. Offscreen, Kirk is saying, “Transporting down to surface of planet Rigel-12...” ]

Inside the nearby living unit, which looks bizarrely like a cave from the inside, Ruth and Magda are paired off with a couple miners, giggling and stroking their shoulders and doing that kind of thing, while Eve is sitting unhappily in a corner. Kirk admits to Childress that he's won, he'll make the deal, now can he please have some crystals. Childress smirks at him that he'll get the crystals when he has time, because they're busy now. Listen, you smug jackass, you want a half-mile long spaceship loaded with extremely explosive fuel to crash into your planet? That'd do your mining operation a whole lot of good, wouldn't it?

Childress tries to chat up Eve, to little avail. The other miners start to dance with Magda and Ruth, but Eve declines Childress's offer, causing him to stomp across the room and pull Ruth away from her partner. Which causes another miner to pull Magda away from her partner. Poor Eve, meanwhile, looks absolutely miserable, hunched over by the wall on the verge of tears. When a fight breaks out among the miners, Eve runs over to the door, screams, “Why don't you just hold a raffle and the loser gets me?!” and then runs outside. This is bad because Rigel-12 sucks at the best of times, but right now a magnetic storm's kicking up and the dust is even worse than usual. Childress yells at Kirk that if he goes outside he'll be killed but, come on, like that's ever stopped Kirk.

Kirk and Eve stumble dramatically through the rocks, and Childress comes out after them, gaping uselessly. You'd think the miners at least would have, like, goggles and breath masks, but nope. Anyway, they can't find Eve, and then Childress gets lost too, so Kirk goes back up to the Enterprise to try and find them with their scanners, but the magnetic storm is causing interference and they're not having much luck. Unfortunately this is draining the batteries even faster, so now they only have about five hours of power left. GEE, IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD DELIVERED THE CRYSTALS LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO.

Down on the planet, Childress has found Eve and carried her back inside. But the magnetic storm has caused communications to go down, so he can't tell the Enterprise that. Although he probably wouldn't anyway, cause he's a jerk. Eventually, with only about forty minutes of power left, they locate lifesigns in Childress's quarters and go to beam down.

Inside, Childress wakes up from an uncomfortable bench-nap to find Eve cooking. He complains that she moved stuff; she says that she did some chores for him. Then he complains that he does his own cooking. Then when he tastes it he says his cooking is better. Then, when Eve says his pan was super crusted and gross, he says he couldn't wash it because they don't have any decent water (what do they drink?) Eve finally gets him to shut up by saying he could hang the pans outside and get them sand-blasted clean. He rolls his eyes at this, but later we see him doing it. I dunno how well that would work since this world seems to be more dusty than sandy, but at least it made Childress stop talking.

Now, I’m only a struggling milennial myself, so forgive my naivete, but what in the goddamn hell is the point of being so rich if you’re living like this? All throughout the episode we’re told that the miners are incredibly wealthy, yet they’re living in absolutely hideous conditions that they clearly don’t enjoy. If they’re so rich, why not make some other people do all the work and suffering for them? That’s what rich people usually do, to my understanding.

Anyway, inside, Eve is playing Double Jack (whatever that is) with round cards, because this is THE FUTURE. Childress quickly goes back to his charming ways, first saying she's not even good company, then asking what happened to her looks, because oh my God, a woman who's been through a dust storm doesn't look astoundingly glamorous, how dare she. He gets right up in her face, screaming about how ugly she looks and how he's so rich he could buy queens, because I guess all women are for sale in this universe.

Thankfully, this display is interrupted by Kirk and Mudd coming in. Childress is quick to say that he didn't touch Eve. Well, that makes everything alright then. Emotional abuse, pshaw.

Kirk demands that Mudd tell Childress the truth about something called the Venus Drug. Mudd splutters that it's actually a relatively harmless drug, it just turns you into a toxic wasteland full of sulfuric acid. Oh no, sorry, Venus like the god, not Venus like the planet. Actually, Mudd says, the drug “gives you more of whatever you have.” Men get more aggressive and muscular, women get rounder and more feminine. I'm not making this up, that's literally what he says. I’m so sorry.

Childress is absolutely horrified to discover that all the women are naturally as shockingly hideous as Eve, and asks what happened to his partners, in a tone that suggests that he thinks the women ate them. Kirk says they've already gotten married by subspace radio, causing Childress to flip out and try to attack Mudd, but Kirk pulls him back and says that the marriages were frauds so the miners can get out of it. I guess no-fault divorce doesn’t exist in the enlightened future.

Childress splutters about the injustice of how he went out to rescue a woman who dares to look slightly less pretty than she did previously. And I mean, Eve looks pretty much exactly the same except her hair isn't brushed and she has less makeup on. That's it. That's literally it. This whole thing would be just as stupid no matter what she looked like, but Childress is acting like she grew horns and her skin fell off.

[ID: Eve, a white woman with long and slightly messy blonde hair and dressed in a sparkly pink sleeveless dress, looking tiredly at the camera.]

Eve's finally had enough and screams at Childress that he doesn't want a wife, he wants the perfect ideal of a woman exemplified by the Venus Drug. To prove this to him, she gulps down three of them at once, then, after a long pause, turns around. Gasp! Her makeup and coiffed hair and sultry background music are back. She asks if this is what Childress really wants—not a real wife to cook and sew for him (as all wives do) but someone who's “selfish, vain, useless.” Childress bitterly muses that such a woman is only “a fake, pumped up by a drug” but then Kirk reveals that actually, no—they replaced the real Venus Drug with a placebo. Believing that she had taken the drug was enough to make Eve beautiful, because confidence and self-esteem will do your hair and makeup for you.

At any rate, Kirk's tired of giving DARE programs to bit characters and tells Childress he better hand over the crystals before the Enterprise crashes into this lovely little domestic scene. Childress finally concedes the crystals and, when Spock asks how many people are beaming up, he says that Eve can stay with him. How generous. Eve agrees, although not terribly enthusiastically, so Kirk and Mudd head out, with a bit of snarking first.

Back on the ship they've finally got things working again, and Spock says he's glad this whole business is over, calling it “a most annoying emotional episode.” Yeah, you and me both, Spock.

There's so much awfulness going on in this episode I don't even know where to start. You have the constant objectification of the women by everyone from the cast to the camera. You have the way the women are treated like property to be traded, examined, and discarded for being faulty. You have immediate shock and horror if the women are ever anything but perfectly made-up and appealing. Even Eve's whole speech to Childress at the end is bad; first, when she accuses him of not really wanting a wife, she frames the idea of a wife not as being an equal partner but as being someone useful to their husband. Then, rather than pointing out that the effects of the Venus Drug only make for a fake, unrealistically idealized idea of a woman, she says that the problem is that any woman that beautiful would automatically be selfish, vain, and useless. It comes off less as “you should look at women as real people and not walking pinup girls meant only to fulfill your desires” and more “you should try to attain a woman that's useful to you rather than focusing on looks alone.”

And then you have the implicit assumption throughout the entire episode that every woman needs a man. The circumstances the women originally came from don't sound real great and you wouldn't blame them for wanting to get away from that, but the emphasis is not on them wanting to leave because the situation was lousy, it's them wanting to leave because there were no men. And what is a woman supposed to do without a man to marry? The women are so desperate to have husbands, any husbands, that they place themselves in the hands of a sleazy conman to get delivered to men they've never met—men whose identities are so inconsequential that the women don't care when they're replaced on the fly. At the end the women are all back to living in pretty shitty circumstances. No one would want to live on Rigel-12! It sucks! You're stuck in tiny, cave-like dwellings with few resources, not even enough water to do dishes, half the time you can't go outside and the other half the time you wouldn't want to! Oh, and to top it off, the episode ends with Eve staying with a man who was literally screaming emotional abuse into her ear ten minutes ago. Are we honestly supposed to believe this is a happy ending for anyone? But it's all okay now because they have husbands, so their roles as women are fulfilled. And I’m sure that Childress will go from being a horrible sexist jerk to a good partner now that he’s been shouted at for five minutes.

And the whole thing just...doesn't make sense. We're clearly supposed to believe that the Venus Drug has some kind of real, tangible effect. The women spend most of the episode having a siren-like effect on every man they encounter. And while Magda and Eve never went much beyond having messy hair, they at least put enough makeup on Ruth when she was off the drug to make a clear physical change take place. But at the end it turns out that it was just...self-confidence? Or something? Self-confidence so strong it can do your hair and makeup for you? Heck, what about Ruth setting off McCoy's medical scanner? That never gets explained. Or the fact that taking the Venus drug is apparently enough to qualify for fraud, judging by what Kirk said about those divorces.

The only thing this episode has going for it (aside from Spock's expressions) is Harry Mudd himself, in large part thanks to Roger C. Carmel's gleefully over the top acting. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to defend him as a person—but you don't have to be a great person to make for a great character. And in a weird, paradoxical kind of way, there's something I find enjoyably different about Mudd as a character. TOS tends to take place on a pretty large scale—its antagonists are usually serious threats, when they're not incomprehensibly powerful, while its protagonists are called upon to be heroes fighting for peace and life and human ideals. There's nothing wrong with that, it works for the show, but it's kind of nice to occasionally run into an antagonist who's not threatening entire planets, just doing small-time crime to make a quick buck. It makes the world feel more fleshed out, like things are still going on at other levels than we usually see. Our heroes may be dealing with godlike beings and scary monsters and philosophical quandaries, but out there in the galaxy people are still living their fairly normal lives. And some of those people suck, because they're people and that's how people work. I just wish they could have had him running a less incredibly cringe-inducing con.

The other thing I like about Mudd is his interactions with Kirk. He really brings out Kirk's sarcastic, impatient side, and it's a lot of fun to watch. Kirk is immediately 100% done the moment Mudd walks into the room, but normally when Kirk gets fed up with a situation he has to rein it in to be diplomatic or captain-like or cool under pressure or whatever. He has no such need to hold it back with Mudd, so he just gets to be as snarky as he wants and it's wonderful.

TREK TROPE TALLY: None this time--crew death count for this episode is, once again, zero, unless someone died of embarrassment offscreen. Next time we'll get back onto firm pondering-the-nature-of-humanity ground with What Are Little Girls Made Of?

#star trek #star trek TOS #star trek season one #1.6 Mudd's Women #recap tag #star trek TOS recaps #1.6 Mudd's Women recap

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