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shannendoherty-fans · 3 years

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TV Guide, February 13, 1988

No Sassing Grandpa!

Our House's Shannen Doherty, 16, is concerned about her character's behaviour–and its impact on viewers.

By Helen Newton.

Shannen Doherty hunches over her high-school algebra textbook, reluctantly penciling problems in her least-favorite subject. Her teacher hovers over her. The two are alone in a small, dingy trailer that, despite a tacked-up poster and a forlorn bit of artwork, lloks nothing like school. This is the location classroom for NBC's Our House, whose three child stars (Shannen, 16, Chad Allen, 13, and Keri Houlihan, 12) are legally bound to squeeze three hours of daily lessons between scenes.

"It must be difficult," comments a visitor to the teacher, "going to school like this, all alone,no friends, no football games . . . ."

"Are you kidding?" interrupts the teacher. "They love it. What kid in his right mind wouldn't trade six hours in school day after day for this?" She gestures broadly at the controlledhubbub that fills the city park around her.

Just then an assistant director knocks on the door. "Time to get ready, hannen," he calls, and the actress, saved from solving for "x," bounces happily down the steps of the schoolroom, up the steps of her dressing room and into a costumer's impossibly conservative version of a punker's get-up.

Shannen's character, Kris Witherspoon, normally tends toward preppier attire–she does have her heart set on attending the Air Force Academy–but in this episode, she's trying to teach her crusty grandfather, Gus (played by Wilford Brimley), not to judge people ony by appearance. In Our House, one resident or another learns something uplifting every week.

"With our audience [young teens and families], I think we have a responsibility to set good examples," Shannen says earnestly. "There are drugs and so many other things that kids can get into trouble with that Ithink, if we can help, we should." But then good examples seem to come as naturally to Shannen as they do to Kris. Earlier this season, for example, she confronted a script that had Kris casually mentioning condoms. "It wasn't important to the plot. It was just a casual thing," says Shannen, her cheeks hinting at a blush. "I was uncomfortable with it and I thought Kris would be too, so I asked if they would take it out." They did. And Shannen tells of a scene in the episode being shot today that called for her to scream angrily at her grandfather. "I don't think Kris would sass her grandfather. She's let him know she was angry, but she'd be more respectful." Out came the sass.

Shannen doesn't believe in sassing her mother either, though she has ample opportunity: Rosa Doherty is with Shannen every day, all day, beginning with the hour's drive from their San Fernando Valley home. California law requires the presence of a parent or guardian until a child actor reaches 16, but Shannen, who will turn 17 in April, has asked her mother to stay on for at least another two years.

They're close, these two. "My mom's my friend," says Shannen unaffectedly, and you believe her. The two share a lot–beyond a mutual enthusiasm for Laura Ashley wallpaper, animals and their Baptist church, there's obviously their dedication to Shannen's career.

Rosa watches over Shannen carefully–what ordinary mother can confer with her child's teacher several times a day?–and she adamantly opposes allowing her daughter to work longer than the 10 1/2 hours required daily. But when Shannen is busy, Rosa finds plenty to occupy herself. Everyone on the set knows her: she joshes with the costumer, the hairdresser, the other children's mothers. She lays plans with Shannen's publicist and manager. And she readies Shannen's fan mail so Shannen can answe ir. ("A lot of kids ask me for advice," Shannen says. "Kris is so together that naturally she'd know what to do. Meanwhile, I look at the mail and think, 'Oh, no, what do I say?´")

But Shannen does know what to say–like the time two years ago at the beginning of ninth grade when she announced to her mother that she wanted to go to school like a regular kid. "It was the beginning of high school, and I wanted to get situated," she says. One semester was enough, however. "There are plenty of kids around work for me to be friends with," she says, when asked whether she misses the social experiences of high school. "There are Chad and Keri, and on the Lorimar lot there are the kids from Valerie's Family. And I met my boy friend"–she says this slihtly shyly, as if unaccustomed to the term–"on the set of Max Headroom." (Since then, Shannen has decided to attend school in her senior year. She plans to fit her TV work around her academic schedule.)

The next week, the next episode, the next location–this time 40 miles north of Los Angeles on the woodsy shores of a lake. It's lunch time; long tables are set up above the lake and Keri trails Shannen around and between them as they play with the two assistant directors' walkie-talkies. Shannen's handle in this game is "Sugarplum," a nickname some of the truckers who worked for her grandfather in Memphis called her when she was little. The assistant directors look benignly, almost paternally, on.

"We feel lucky," says Rosa. "This show is like family. The crew is great. And Wilford really cares about people." Although Brimley refused to talk about his young colleague, citing a dislike of publicity, Shannen and Rosa say the show's star is generous in other ways. They've been guests at his Utah ranch. Shannen, sharing Brimley's interest in horses, bought one from him two years ago, though she's since sold it back to him. "It was a quarter horse,and I'm more interested in Thorough-breds," she says. And Brimley takes a deep interest in the health of Shannen's father, Tom, who, like Brimley, is a diabetic.

The week before, at the city-park location, Tom had shown up, clearly almost as at home on the set as Rosa. "Everyone loves my dad," says Shannen. "He likes to cook, and sometimes he brings food for the crew."

Belying his hearty appearance now, Tom Doherty suffered a stroke in 1983. Although Tom says it was the best thing that ever happened to him because it forced him to slow down, Rosa says, "It was very hard on the famiy, but we got through it as a family. the children came to occupational theraphy with us so they could understand and support the process." Shannen adds, "I used to draw him a picture every day and hang them all around. It cheered him up. It was pretty scary, seeing him not able to do a child's sorting game." Now almost completely recovered, Tom says, "I have an easy job that allows me to do things like stop by the set occasionally and spend more time with our son, Sean." Sean, 20, is ambitious, too,but his area is politics. A conservative, he's actively involved in his local Youth Republicans group. In 1986, he was elected a GOP official in Los Angeles. "Our son needs attention, too," Tom says, 2and sometimes his mother doesn't have time."

Rosa's timefirst became a rare commodity when Shannen was 10 years old. Over her mother's initial objections, Shannen became active in a children's theater company, where she was spotted by an agent. He arranged an autition for the role of Drucilla Shannon in Father Murphy. "It was like fate, because I have this lucky doll named Drucilla and my name is Shannen and I was determined to work with Michael Landon [creator of Father Murphy]," Shannen recalls. Drucilla the doll went along on the audition, though she stayed in the car, and sure enough, Shannen got the part. She also won the continuing interest of Michael Landon, who cast her in Little House: A New Beginning and in an epiode of Highway to Heaven.

"I'd like to work with her again sometime if she's available," comments Landon. "She's got a good head on her shoulders. She's very conscientious and determined." Those qualities were, in fact, what drew him to her when Shannen was a 10-year-old. "Even then you could see that she treated this as a business. She really wanted the job for herself. It was not a case of a parent wanting a show-business career fora child, which is often the case. I'm very proud of her."

William Blinn, co-executive producer of Our House, echoes Landon's thoughts. "Shannen is like her character. She's a very dedicated kid." With the show now in its second season, Blinn hopes the work will continue to be there for her. Our House has the unenviable task of taking on CBS's warhorse 60 Minutes. "It's counter-programming to the max," says Blinn of his show's effort to attract a young audience. And so, while the ratings have not been spectacular (the highest so far this season was 14.5), Blinn says NBC is pleased to be a solid second in its time period.

Whether the show has a long run or not, Shannen intends to. Like Kris, she has goals in mind, and if co-star Deidre Hall (Shannen's TV mom, Jessie) is right, "she'll get anything she sets her mind on." With her manager and her mother, she's looking into various film and TV projects. "I plan to get into feature films and eventually to direct," Shannen says confidently.

A visitor asks her what sort of actress she sees herself becoming in the future–the next Ally Sheedy, perhaps, or Molly Ringwald?

"The next Shannen Doherty! I'm one of a kind," she declares boldly, then lapses into a self-conscious giggle. "Really," she says, more seriously, "the person I try to model myself on is Katharine Hepburn. She's really into her work."

But before stardom, there's college. A California university makes the most sense if she wants to work at the same time, Shannen says, but there's still something about the sound of Harvard, Princeton or Yale. . . .

"Really?" says her teacher later. "That's ambitious. She'd better get to work on that math."

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palettes-and-prompts · 5 years

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100 Angsty Dialogue Prompts

1) "You're disappointed in me." 2) "I was just trying to do the right thing." 3) "I don't care how much you push me away, I said I'd never leave you and I meant that." 4) "They love me, I know they love me!" 5) "Could you hold me, just for a few minutes?" 6) "You're not going because if you get hurt then it's my ass on the line!" 7) "I just wanted to be like you." 8) "Why don't we go get some ice cream? Come on, you can keep your pajamas on and we'll go through the drive thru and eat it in the parking lot while we talk." 9) "Don't you get it? They're gone and they're never coming back!" 10) "You can cry, I promise I wont tell anyone." 11) "I can't believe I let myself get close to you." 12) "If they really loved you they wouldn't have left." 13) "I should be happy they're gone but I'm not, they're gone and I miss them so much." 14) "You're my responsibility, I can't just leave you here!" 15) "You were the biggest mistake I ever made." 16) "Don't cry, they don't deserve your tears." 17) "I told you things! Things I never told anyone!" 18) "Do you think they look at them the way they looked at me?" 19) "I can't do this anymore." 20) "Who hurt you? I got a guy who can hook me up with four dozen eggs, toilet paper, and bags of dog shit with just a phone call. Spill it, we'll take care of this right fucking now." 21) "I never asked you to save me!" 22) "Don't you ever say they didn't care about me! When you were off dicking around they were there for me, not you, them!" 23) "I just wanna be alone okay?" 24) "I feel like I was hit by a train, everything hurts." 25) "You said you'd never hurt me." 26) "They did what?" 27) "God I can't even look at you after what you did!" 28) "How long has it been since you ate something?" 29) "Why don't you get down from there and you and I can talk, okay?" 30) "When were you going to tell me you got suspended?" 31) "This is the sixth time you've sent a kid home with a black eye, what's going on?" 32) "I'm not mad at you, okay? It's just this new job and just picking everything up and moving and I'm just--let's just order a pizza." 33) "Don't worry, it's not my blood." 34) "I wish you wouldn't look at me like that." 35) "Did you ever love me?" 36) "I wish mom were here." 37) "You think I wanted to be stuck with you?" 38) "Stop treating me like them! I'm not them and I'm never going to be them!" 39) "I'll never love you." 40) "Don't kiss me." 41) "I know it doesn't seem like it right now but moving will be good for us, you'll see." 42) "It's almost four am, where have you been all night?" 43) "I wish you would just talk to me!" 44) "I wish you trusted me!" 45) "I can't do this right now, I need a cigarette." 46) "Why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?" 47) "Why do you let them walk all over you?" 48) "Don't ever put your hands on me again." 49) "Please? For me?" 50) "Just give up on me, okay?!" 51) "I know you try to see the good in everyone but trust me on this, they're no good." 52) "I know everything hurts right now but I promise you it will get better." 53) "How long have you been seeing them behind my back?" 54) "I'll stay, but only for tonight." 55) "I don't need your charity!" 56) "You two do nothing but argue, why don't you do everyone a favor and just get a divorce already?!" 57) "You need to go to the police, you can't keep letting them do this to you." 58) "Where the fuck have you been? Do you know how fucking worried I was?!" 59) "I know you're mad at me but I'm only doing this to protect you." 60) "I'm not going to change my mind, not this time." 61) "I already lost them, I can't lose you too." 62) "I thought you were dead." 63) "I'm doing this for us! Everything I do is for us!" 64) "Please? They're all I have." 65) "How long have you been lying to me?" 66) "I want you out of the house by tomorrow." 67) "What happened to us, where did we go wrong?" 68) "You're leaving me? For them?" 69) "I'm never going to let them hurt you ever again." 70) "Just stay with me tonight and then you can be with them tomorrow, just one more time and I'll leave you alone forever. I promise I will, but just stay with me one last night." 71) "Why are they calling you at this hour?" 72) "You can't live like this anymore, pack your things, you're staying with me." 73) "I miss the way we used to be." 74) "Don't you ever scare me like that again, do you hear me?" 75) "Call me the second you get this. I wont be mad, I just want to know you're safe." 76) "When's the last time you had a home cooked meal?" 77) "I wont pretend to know how you're feeling but if you ever want to talk I'm here for you." 78) "Please just give me one more chance, I promise I'll never do it again." 79) "Hey, it's okay, I got you. You're alright, you're okay." 80) "I think we worked better when we were just friends." 81) "They're cheating on you!" 82) "When are you moving?" 83) "You can't have a glass of wine for dinner, come on, I'll buy you something to eat." 84) "The pharmacy called, they said you haven't picked up your medication in weeks." 85) "Do you miss them?" 86) "It was just once and it meant nothing to me!" 87) "Do you think we could ever be friends again?" 88) "I saw you the other day. I saw you kissing them." 89) "Please don't make this more difficult than it has to be." 90) "I can't remember anything that happened last night, I just know that my brain feels like it's splitting in two." 91) "You never look at me anymore." 92) "You don't have to take care of me, your not my parent!" 93) "I have a confession to make. I kissed someone else last night, and I think I liked it." 94) "My mom said I can still come see you on weekends." 95) "You're walking home by yourself at this hour, are you fucking insane?" 96) "Why do you smell like their cologne/perfume?" 97) "What I said before, I didn't mean any of it." 98) "I'll be right there, just tell me where you are and I'll come get you." 99) "Who was it? You said you slept with one of my friends last night so tell me which one it was!" 100) "What happened last night? And why are you looking at me like that?"

#Angst prompts #100 angsty prompts #prompts #writing prompt #dialogue prompts #sad #hurts/comfort?#writing

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rinnnyxr · 3 years

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About my day | Bold what is also true for you :

I woke up around 8AM.

I woke up without an alarm. I woke up nude.

I woke up and drank water immediately.

I checked my phone right when I woke up. I checked my TikTok notifications.

I checked my Facebook notifications.

I then checked my email.

I then went downstairs. I got dressed to go out.

I was in the passenger seat of the car today.

I wore a hat today.

I put concealer on.

I put foundation on.

I put on powder.

I used a beauty blender.

I didn’t brush my hair today.

I wore ugg boots.

I wore jeans.

I wore a zip-up.

I went out to breakfast.

I had 3 cups of coffee.

I had a glass of ice water.

I had pancakes.

I had a bagel.

^ with cream cheese.

I saw friends today.

I saw my boyfriend today.

I saw my goddaughter today.

I gave someone a hug.

I gave someone a kiss.

I pet a cat today.

I uploaded video.

I took a photo today.

I updated that photo to Instagram.

I’m currently listening to music. I’m currently on my laptop.

I’m currently in PJ’s. I’m currently surprisingly comfortable.

I took a shower.

I took a shower but not alone ;)

I have the heat on currently. I wore a bracelet today.

I wore a ring today.

I listened to the radio.

I listened to music on Apple Music.

I didn’t post a Facebook status today. I checked the fridge and saw nothing appetizing. I washed my face.

I used rose water spray on my face.

I used a face moisturizer.

I googled a celebrity. I had cheese and crackers.

I may take a nap soon.

I saw my mom today. I saw my sister today.

I thought about calling my dad today.

I’m not currently wearing socks.

I’m not alone in the room currently.

It’s windy out today. It hailed out today.

I’m really thirsty.

I’m too lazy to get up and get myself a drink right now.

I paid for something with cash today.

I thought about cleaning my room but didn’t…

I listened to God’s Plan by Drake today.

I didn’t blow-dry my hair today. I’m gonna play video games soon.

I’m going to take some more surveys after this. I drank something out of the carton today.

I’m not leaving the house for the rest of the day.

I can see my pet from where I am currently.

There is a TV to my right.

There are headphones to my left.

It’s Sunday today.

I have work tomorrow.

I got in a small argument today.

I told someone I loved them today.

1. had sex? 2. bought condoms? 3. gotten pregnant? 4. failed a class? 5. kissed a boy? 6. kissed a girl? 7. used a little paper bag for lunch? 8. had a job? 9. slipped on ice? 10. missed the school bus? 11. left the house without my wallet? 12. bullied someone on the internet? 13. sexted? 14. had sex in public? 15. played on a sports team? 16. smoked weed? 17. smoked cigarettes? 18. smoked a cigar? 19. drank alcohol? . 20. watched “The Breakfast Club”? 21. been overweight? 22. been underweight? 23. had an eating disorder? 24. been to a wedding? 25. made fun of someone for being fat? 26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight? 27. watched tv for 5 hours straight? 28. been late for work? 29. been late for school? 30. kissed in the rain? 31. showered with someone else? 32. failed my drivers test? 33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes? 34. been outside my home country? 35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? 36. had lice? 37. gotten my heart broken? 38. had a credit card? 39. been to a professional sports game? 40. broken a bone? 41. been unhappy about my weight? 42. won a trophy? 43. cut myself? 44. had an STD? 45. got engaged? 46. been on a diet? 47. tried out to be on a tv show? 48. rode in a taxi? 49. been to prom? 50. played a drinking game? 51. stayed up for 24 hours or more? 52. been to a concert? 53. had a three-some? 54. had a crush on someone of the same sex? 55. been in a car accident? 56. had braces? 57. learned another language? 58. killed an animal? 59. been at a yard sale? 60. been to a Japanese steakhouse? 61. wore make up? 62. talked to someone via webcam? 63. lost my virginity before I was 16? 64. had my wisdom teeth taken out? 65. kissed someone a different race than myself? 66. snuck out of the house? 67. bought porn? 68. had a virus on my computer? 69. had oral sex? 70. dyed my hair? 71. gone skinny dipping? 72. graduated from college? 73. wore someone else’s clothes? 74. voted in a presidential election? 75. rode in an ambulance? 76. rode in a helicopter? 77. caught the stove on fire? 78. got in a verbal fight? 79. met someone famous? 80. been on vacation? 81. been on a boat? 82. been on an airplane? 83. broken something expensive? 84. had surgery? 85. kissed someone before I was 14? 86. beat a video game? 87. found something valuable on the ground? 88. made a survey? 89. stalked someone on a social network? 90. prank called someone? 91. spent over $100 shopping in one day? 92. been to a library outside of school? 93. cut my hair and hated it? 94. peed outside? 95. went fishing? 96. helped with charity? 97. taken a pregnancy test? 98. been rejected by a crush? 99. been suspended from school? 100.broken a mirror?

2008 was a horrible year for me. Actually, it was the best. I’ve been on a cruise before. I like chemistry more than biology. I like taking surveys more than making them. I absolutely despise the color pink. I don’t have a significant other. I get all four seasons where I live. I only shop when I absolutely have the need to. I have an older brother. I have my driver’s license. I don’t want to have kids someday. I wear more jeans than skirts. I’d rather wear sneakers than high heels. I don’t go to church. I don’t like having my fringe in my face. I’m very much into heavy metal music. I own like, a hundred hoodies. I couldn’t draw to save my life. I’m a very good cook. I always have to look at the keyboard when I type. I’ve had surgery before. I don’t mind getting shots all that much. I’m not afraid of bugs. I love hot, hot weather! I have huge eyes and long lashes. I’m naturally very pale. I’m usually not very picky at all when it comes to food. My parents are divorced. I don’t like doing surveys, but I find myself doing them anyway. I’m addicted to Tumblr. I don’t have a Facebook account. I have perfect vision and don’t need glasses or contacts. I don’t wear makeup when I go out. I hate stores like Forever 21. I’m very much into sports. I don’t see what the big deal about photography is. Or fashion design. I don’t really appreciate art that much. Horror movies are my favorite. I don’t care if people cut in line in front of me. I don’t even remember the last time I put on a piece of jewelry. My hair is naturally straight. I support gay marriage. I have more friends online than I do in real life. My siblings are all older than I am. My significant other is younger than I am. I curse in almost every sentence I speak. I always get straight A’s in exams. I don’t know how to play any instrument. I only know how to speak one language. I don’t have my own personal blog. I’m allergic to something. I’ve been stung by a bee at least once in my life. This is the last survey I’m doing today. I have seen someone propose in public before. And they got rejected, poor bloke. I wonder if I will ever get proposed in public. Heck I don’t even know if I’ll ever get married. I know what a sake bomb is. I’ve tried it before. I’ve watched ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’. ^ Ew, sad much? I think Paris Hilton is a brainless bitch. I celebrate Chinese New Year. I’m not Chinese or a tiny bit Asian at all. I have a step-sibling. I have a weak tolerance of alcohol. Are you kidding me? I can drink all night long! I want a new cell phone. I have my own bathroom. I sleep on a single bed. Nah, I have a King/Queen size bed! I think one night stands are no biggie. ^ Slut ^Prude I’ve been on a helicopter before. I’m actually afraid of heights. My date rented a limo to take me to prom. Pfft, I wish I had a date. I haven’t had my prom yet. I like clicking on advertisements. Pop-up ads are so old school. I recently took a bath. I never bother, I just take showers. My Christmas holidays were the bomb! Ugh, mine sucked like hell. I’d love to go to Japan one day. I’ve seen a ghost before. ^ I’d pee in my pants if I did. ^ No, I’d run and scream. I can write lyrics! I can, but I’m not very good at it. I would like to become a musician one day. I love finding things in sofa cracks. I know someone that’s trying very hard to fit in a stereotype. Every cup of water I drink equals to a trip to the toilet. I recently received my exam results. They were quite good! Nope, failed it all. It’s my boyfriend’s birthday today. He never gives me gifts. He buries me with them. I wish I had a boyfriend that actually spends money on me! I love him very much. The Beatles rock my world. Actually, a lot of classic rock bands rock my world. It takes me a really long while to get to sleep. I’m a personality quiz fiend. I am and have always been a night owl. I love reading Sarah Dessen books. My earphones are in my ears practically 24/7. I am an only child and that’s not because of any death. I hate school and everything else connected to it. I’ve never been in any romantic relationship. I have a lot of favorite names. And I plan to use those names on my kids. I’m reading a comic book right now. I’m listening to music right now. I memorize lyrics really easily. But memorizing stuff for school isn’t easy at all. Math is my worst enemy. I love bolding surveys. Nice and easy. I pick Guitar Hero over Rock Band. I really don’t mind being all alone.

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finderskeepersff · 5 years

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60. Part 3

Placing the covers over Cartier, he is sound asleep and in his own crib. I mean his dad is back home now and so he can’t sleep in the bed with me now, I am sure he will be fine anyways. Turning around “is he asleep ok?” Cassius follows me everywhere, I mean I am not complaining but he is keeping close “he’s fine, you can come and look Cassius. He doesn’t bite, actually he does seeing as he is teething. But it doesn’t hurt” Cassius walked over to the crib slowly “he probably would want to bite, he has a big forehead” Cassius looked down into the crib “he can thank you for that” Cassius looked over at me “that’s mean, you got a big forehead too” I grinned at him “we both do, I am going to finish downstairs with the cleaning. You can go to sleep” I want to clean downstairs before I sleep, it will annoy me that it’s not clean “I can wait with you, I will sit downstairs” him sitting there is making a mess “erm, I guess sure. You can if you want” I can’t say no to him “I can’t sleep thinking of having a dirty house, did you and Kyle make it up? Are you both ok now” watching Cassius behind me “don’t close all of the door, leave it a little open” even if he has a night light I just like it a little open so when I walk by I can see him in bed “yeah sure, erm yeah. We spoke but I think he is still upset with me, I just got a lot on my mind, it’s a lot to be out and then this, so I am just like give me time. He will get over it” walking down the steps “I think it is more of how you was, how you said you wanted to go out already. I just want you to stay at home and build on yourself, also it’s Christmas coming up, I mean by all means you can help Amira at home with the clubs, how about that? Shall I tell her that, she is more than happy for the help. Kyle doesn’t help with the events part, just the other side” reaching the bottom of the steps “that would be good” I will tell Amira then.

Mia did clean, but like not my standard. We all have our own standard, she did well though but I rather do it how I like it and Cassius sat here is making it seem a mess “why don’t you go outside and take the trash out for me, I will be done then” Cassius got up from the couch “you going to come back in?” Cassius had to laugh “I am being serious” if he ends up somewhere else “I will be back” he walked around the couch “just them then” he pointed in the corner “please, I will be going bed then” I just want to clean where Cassius was sitting, I was working around him, men just make a mess sitting. Walking around the couch, see what I mean the pillow are a mess and he just sat on them watching me clean. Hitting the pillow to pump them up after his fat ass sat on them, placing it in the position I like “ok” I said to myself, I am ready to go to bed then. I am not sure why Cassius likes to follow me now, I am sure I will figure it out.

Blinking my eyes slowly seeing the back of Cassius sat up on the edge of the bed, he is on the phone. Wiping the sleep away from my eyes, his voice woke me “I did go to sleep late, like about two, but I like waking up early. Is it quiet there? Must be, I harass you everyday there” turning onto my back, looking at the time. It is eight and Cartier has not cried yet, he will soon. He didn’t wake up at all then, I mean he did sleep a little later than usual so he must have slept through “I know I will, it’s just weird to be out. I don’t know how to take it, have that freedom and do nothing?” he must be talking to Henry, I hope he gives him good advice. This will be Cassius first twenty four hours with me, he hasn’t spoken stupid since then either so that is a good thing “I will, I will call you again, bye” he disconnected the call “this is your phone” Cassius reached behind him “cheeky” taking my phone from him “yeah, you get a lot of comments on Insta” he was being nosey “did you look at them?” locking my phone, hearing Cartier from the monitor. He is talking to himself “go on then, go and get him” Cassius turned his head “huh?” he said all confused “go and get him, bring him to me and when you do bring bubzy” Cassius is staring at me so confused “but I call you bub?” he questioned “not for a while now, it’s Cartier little soft toy he likes it. It’s a little monkey, in the crib, you will see it or he will be holding it. Cassius, Cartier won’t bite. You will be fine” it saves me from getting out of bed also.

Little does Cassius know, I can see from this monitor the hell he does. I miss seeing him in the morning already playing with him, I grinned watching him walk into the room. Cartier is always on his stomach trying to drag himself up or he’s grabbed his monkey and talking to it, I think it’s the monkey he’s grabbed it because he is being too loud with that babbling. Cassius is being very cautious as he walks up to the baby crib, watching him looking down at him. Let me change the camera angle on this, I love it that I can see this. I knew it, he got his little bubzy. Cartier has seen him “yes” I said to myself “your mom said I got to pick you up” Cassius better start warming up to him, Cartier is so quiet. My baby is stunned, Cartier in the morning is the best and I love him with how happy he is “come on then Cassius” I said to myself, will he just pick him up “he’s doing it” he is picking him up, Cartier dropped hiss bubzy and he better not forget it either. Seeing him reach down, I can’t see Cartier and Cassius faces, but he ain’t crying and that is a bonus. Let me check these comments Cassius was speaking on, he was being way too nosey. Tapping on Instagram, it’s more of my son’ page then anything, he’s a real hit online you know. Going onto my latest post, I put a picture of me and Cartier. Going to the comments, oh it’s the usual thing. I do find it nice that they think he is my twin, it’s cute “you’re here” looking away from my phone and locking it “was it hard?” Cassius shook his head.

Watching Cartier playing with his feet, I don’t know why I sat him up, he all into his feet “he is growing, quick” lightly touching Cartier’ back “he is, that’s stank. He got his feet in his mouth” Cassius pointed out “that’s his own damn feet, he can do what he likes. So what are you doing today?” I am just testing him “nothing, sit with you” smiling at him “you sound upset about that, what did Henry say to you on the phone?” hopefully something useful “that I need to go to the meetings he set up, I should take one day at a time. I shouldn’t rush, I have been through a lot mentally and with getting off drugs is hard enough but to expose your deepest things is mentally draining. I am running and my mind can’t catch up but that is just me, I am going to relax. He said I should enjoy life home, but I will just relax. Take it slow” that is all I want from him “are you done there” moving him back, he is enjoying his feet “hey, Cartier. Where is bubzy, where is it?” moving Cartier back, sitting him up right “there you are!” I said smiling art him, Cartier gave me his gummy smile “where is bubzy? Huh? Where did you put it, throw it me” I said to Cassius, I want him to just do what he needs and hold Cartier and touch him because Cartier will never know he went, catching the monkey “look what mommy got?” I gasped, Cartier’ eyes lit and clasped his hands together babbling “is that bubzy baby?” my son loves this, I think he is clingy to it “here” throwing it to Cassius, Cartier’ eyes followed his bubzy all the way to Cassius “what you doing?” Cassius said, Cartier stared at Cassius “he will try and come to you” see what I mean by my son growing, he fell onto his side and onto his stomach “he won’t get far but he wants that and he is coming to you, now you can pick him up while I go in the bathroom” I need to pee so bad “but what if he cries?” Cassius asked “then you soothe him, you can do it” pushing the covers off of me.

I knew Cartier would sit on Cassius lap and just chew on that monkey, he loves that thing and I need to get him a new one “he drools a lot, that is all on my arm” Cartier caught my eye and I caught his, he moved his bubzy back. I knew I should have stayed away from his eye view, running towards the walk in closet. I want to get my robe “he is crying!” Cassius said and then I heard him crying “then hug him, he will be ok Cassius” grabbing my robe, he needs to just do it because I know he can do it. Putting my robe on and made my way out slowly, Cartier is crying still “I don’t think he likes me” he barely held him “believe me he doesn’t, who upset you. Stop it, it’s your dad” taking him from Cassius “you crying real tears, awww my baby” placing him over my shoulder “mommy is here, there you are” he instantly went quiet “why are you being a diva, shall we go and have breakfast with daddy?” Cartier moved his head back, wiping his tears “it’s just your dad, stop being dramatic. Come on, let’s go and eat something. Are you coming? I am hungry” reaching down for his monkey.

I am determined to get Cassius and Cartier close “so, you on feeding duty, I will make you breakfast and you do this ok? It’s easy” placing Cartier puree in front of Cassius “just give it him, he good?” nodding my head “he seen food, look at him. He will be anyone’s friend so it’s fine” Cassius is so wary, smiling at him. Touching his cheek “it’s fine, he’s your boy” I can’t wait for his hair to grow back, I don’t support clean shaven Cassius “morning family!” Mia announced “what you cooking me?” this bitch “more like you should feed me but I will make it, just sit down” would be nice if Mia and Cassius talk, let me leave them and I am sure they will speak “Cassius, how are you?” Mia walked around the dining table “good, different I guess” let me go now.

Watching Sofia as she walked off, she is gesturing me to talk to him. I laughed at her, she is crazy “girl please, anyways. It must be different, going to keep it real with you. I ain’t even know you went” shuffling the chair in “I came here to beat Sofia’ ass because she ditched us and then she told me, I honestly was so sad. You are such a great guy Cassius, it hurts my heart. You went there twice, I know that shit must be draining for you. I don’t know you as much as Sofia, she knows you more but from what I know. You are such a good guy Cassius, you have kept me safe no matter what. Mitch was saying it, the commotion of people coming in and out, these are new people to us and they have been nice. Respected us, I honestly couldn’t thank you enough. From the moment I met you, I wanted you and Sofia together. I do love you as a brother, I know a good person when I see it” I see him as a brother to me, just like Sofia my sister he is my brother and I see him now to how he was, he seems so timid, upset and I think it’s for what he has done and feel he has done wrong “I ain’t all that, I been a bad person Mia. I wish I could be good” pulling a face at him “you better feed Cartier before he drop kicks your ass but Cassius you are a good person. I mean what you done for my friend, I mean ok she has been through this but things happen. I have been through things, Mitch and I ain’t perfect, Mitch is really not that perfect. He be driving me crazy but you haven’t made Sofia feel like shit and treated her bad, I mean you did get her pregnant again, I know she didn’t want another but I think it’s fine” I want him to feel better about himself.

Sofia can cook a bad ass breakfast when she wants too, my god my stomach is full “did you miss my cooking?” Sofia asked Cassius, I can see my sister so in love with him. I am happy for them, with what Cassius does you can only expect faults because to get into that lifestyle it was never going to be perfect “I did you know, I missed a lot. I think Cartier is ok with me” I cooed out “he’s a boy, they are easily pleased Cassius. Just like men, feed them” Cartier is being so good in his high chair “I told you, he will get used to you, just give it time. I am going out to Target to get some things. I will take Cartier with me, you can come?” Sofia offered “I want to come, I will stay with you” Cassius does actually follow Sofia anywhere “you feeling clingy to her?” Sofia got up “I am going to wash my hands” she announced “a little” Sofia walked off “I just don’t want to lose her, I need her a lot. You think Sofia would find another man? Like I see niggas saying things, there was like a message on Insta. He replying back, I can tell he was. There was so many comments on her phone, she wouldn’t would she?” this is a different Cassius “you think my pregnant ass would cheat? I don’t have the time too, guys like my pictures and comment. That is it” Sofia answered for me “there you go” I said to him.

Cassius has actually let Sofia be alone, I can actually speak to her alone “soo” I dragged I out as I sat on her bed “so what?” Sofia said back to me “who are these niggas on your Insta that has Cassius shook?” Sofia laughed “I don’t have the damn time, it’s just people commentingg on the picture of Cartier and I, they want to play step daddy to him. And I think he just saw the message from Jordan, he messaged me saying I been missing from work and all that, I just said I am on a break and I told him I am pregnant again. He said I don’t hold off and then he goes that it doesn’t bother me kids, I am good with them” rolling my eyes “that was it” Sofia walked off into the walk in closet “you been talking to many of them? Let me see this” I am interested now “you can see my insta?” Sofia walked back into the room “I am on about your messages, I want to see the thirst” watching Sofia pick her phone up from the side table “you can, there is a few dick pictures in there, so yeah” grabbing her phone from her “admit to it, you been on Insta more than usual. Boredom? I mean I know, when Mitch be pissing me off I openly give these men time of the day, have you?” I know this bitch has “not really, just maybe spoken to Jordan but that was it. But it was literally about work, I want to do more designing” so she has, I knew she was doing something “girl your messages are popping! If you needed money this would be a good business to get a sugar daddy” they are so easily pleased “I ain’t the type but I wouldn’t cheat on Cassius, that ain’t my style” I know my girl wouldn’t ever.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfic #Fanfiction

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having-a-freddie-time · 5 years

Text

save me

summary: Y/N is trying her hardest to get out of an abusive relationship without telling anyone. However, she can’t always hide the bruises, especially from her best friend since childhood, Ben Hardy. Once he finds out, he tries his best to help her out without her getting hurt.

warnings: doctor talk, fluff, tiny bit of angst, very sad family reunion, tears lol, some cussing. angst at the end tho lol

a/n: this part will be both fluffy and sad! also, it makes me so happy that so many people are wanting to be tagged in this!! please feel free to shoot me an ask, message or comment if you want to be tagged!! enjoy <3

word count: 2.8k

••••••••

"Mummy...?"

You couldn't believe what you were seeing right in front of you. Your mom, dad and twin brother were standing right before your eyes. Tears poured down your cheeks, your vision blurry from the salty liquid. You stood up from the wheelchair and ran into the arms of your family. You all held onto to each other, you ignored the soreness coursing throughout your body as you felt tight arms wrapped around you. You bawled into your dad's shoulders as your brother rubbed your back and your mom ran her fingers through your hair. Ben watched, his heart growing warm as he witnessed you in your happiest state. You dreamt of seeing your family again, although it was under better circumstances, but that didnt matter. They were finally there, holding you and making you feel safe.

After five minutes of crying and grabbing at eachother, the four you finally pulled away from one another. With tear stained cheeks, red and puffy eyes, you smiled brightly and help your hand to your heart. You figured Ben set this all up and made a mental note to make it up to him. Your brother, James, came up to you and placed his hands on your cheeks, wiping the tears from your eyes. You smiled and put your hands on top of his, looking him in the eyes. He had changed quite a bit from the last time you saw him. He had scruff growing all along his face, making him no longer look like a baby. You used to make fun of him for being a late bloomer, calling him "baby face" and pinching his cheeks. Now your baby brother, who was born a minute after you, was a big man. Although just 60 seconds apart, you always made him know that you were older.

"Look at how grown up my baby brother is!"

"You're only sixty seconds older than, you're not that cool." He chuckled and rolled his eyes playfully. He planted a small peck on the top of your head, taking advantage of his towering height over you. You smiled and leaned into him, scratching his back as he planted his chin on the top of your head. You both stayed in the position for awhile. Soon enough, tears formed in your eyes as guilt washed over you. You had always longed for warm and sweet hugs from your brother. His hugs had always made you instantly feel better if you were having a shitty day. He had always been taller than you, which made his hugs better. The sight made your mother cry as well, finally seeing her babies together again. She always took pictures of the hugs you and James shared. Her excuse as to why was to make y'all remind each other that you actually loved one another when you two got into typical brother/sister arguements. Everyone knew deep down that she took them for herself.

"I have missed you three way more than words could ever describe. I hate myself for never contacting you guys. I was just so-"

"Afraid? It's okay, Lily, Benny told us what we needed to know. He didn't go into too deep of detail in case you wanted to say more." Your father proclaimed, bringing you into his embrace. You wept as he held you, feeling a mix of a million emotions. You gripped your father's back tightly, as if you were going to lose him again. You cried as you heard him say your nickname he had given you at the age of three. You took in his fatherly scent, a mix of after shave and lavender. For some odd reason, your father always smelt like lavender, you never questioned it because you didn't mind it at all. It was a comforting scent you've grown to love.

The two you pulled away, looking into each others eyes. You and your dad had the exact same eye color. A mix of light blue and emerald green, almost identical. Everyone always complimented your eyes, you always bragged about how you had the exact same eye color as your dad's. James even had the same eye color, which left your mum's chocolate brown eyes out of the picture. However, your brother and you always looked more like your mum than your pops.

Your father planted a kiss on your forehead and gave you a nice big squeeze before pulling away and turning towards Ben. He clapped a hand on his shoulder and drew him in for a hug. He had always been the hugging type of man, if he shook your hand, he probably didn't like you. So coincidentally, he shook Trevor's hand when they first met, which should have been your first warning sign.

"Thank you for taking care of her, Benny." He whispered to him, just so he could hear. Ben nodded, turning his head towards you. His heart melted as he watched you and your mum holding onto each other like a mom koala and its baby. If it was possible, his pupils would have been in the shape of a heart. To nobody's knowledge, Ben had been feeling something different for you lately. Something he'd never imagined feeling about you. It made his heart flutter at the sight of you, his knees buckle when you laughed or smiled, his cheeks flush when you touched him, and his heart grow more each time you spent time together. He couldn't even begin to express his feelings for you because he didn't exactly know what it was. He had spent countless hours trying to draw up some type of conclusion. He failed nevertheless. When you had first told him about Trevor and his abusive ways, he wanted to break down right then and there. His heart broke into a million different pieces, but he had to tape it up to stay strong for you. He would go home and cry into his pillow, guilt coursing through his veins as he couldnt get the images of someone hurting you mercilessly out of his head. He shuddered at the thought and snapped out of his daze when he felt James wrap an arm around his shoulders. Ben smiled and brought James into a tight embrace. James was like the brother Ben never had. When the three of you were in high school and you were beginning the stages of womanhood, he spent a lot more time James as you spent more time with girlfriends.

A week later...

Your eyes flitted open, adjusting to the bright sunlight peaking through the curtains. You looked around, smiling at the fact that you had finally been discharged. You were discharged the following Friday when your family visited. Sadly, your parents lived five and half hours away and your brother lived even farther than them. They stayed until Friday morning, helping you get ready to leave. You spent that entire week, catching up with them and making plans for when you start feeling better. In this midst of that, Ben was off with Gwilym, making some plans of his own that you had zero knowledge of. He came back that Friday to take you back home to his flat. While you were in the hospital, James, Gwil and Ben had been moving your stuff out of your flat after it had been released by the police. You admitted to Ben that you were too afraid to live there anymore. Thus creating the idea of you moving into Ben's flat. He had two more spare bedrooms that you live in. You basically lived with him anyways so there wouldn't be that much of a difference. So you agreed, after arguing with Ben about you paying rent and him insisting that he doesnt give a damn. The two of you finally came to the compromise you paying fifty fifty of the rent with him each month.

Taking a deep breath, you swung your legs over the bed, throwing your comforter off of your body. Disconnecting your phone from the charger and slipping on some house shoes, you made your way downstairs to see Ben in the kitchen cooking the two of you some delicious breakfast. Which contained waffles, bacon, scrambled eggs, english muffins with strawberry cream cheese (your favorite), and tea. You shot him a warm smile as you walked towards the kitchen island and jumping up to plop a seat on it.

"What are we gonna do today?" You asked, reaching your hand towards the english muffins, only for Ben to smack it and tsk you. You creased your eyebrows and pulled away, playfully pouting. Ever since you got out of the hospital, living with Ben had been such a breeze. You were still on medical leave from work and Ben didn't have many big things in his acting world at the moment so you both spent quite some time together. He helped you sell your old flat and put all of Trevor's shit into a storage unit. You hadn't seen Trevor since you saw him being arrested after the attack. It was quite the heavenly sight to see, though the events that led up to it were horrific. You still had nightmares from the attack, causing you to wake up at ungodly hours in a sweat and tears. Ben wasn't aware of these nightmares because he slept like a rock. The only way you could calm yourself was to walk around the house, to become aware of your surroundings, to know that you were now safe. Often, you'd find yourself sitting outside of Ben's door, tempted to knock and crawl into his arms. Just knowing he was in the room comforted you. Luckily, he let you have the room that was closest to his, making it accessible for the two of you reach each other quickly.

"Maybe shopping? Need to get some more groceries then maybe we could go to the mall?" He asked, looking at you while carefully making you and himself a plate. Usually you'd argue about going shopping but since selling your house, you had some money in the bank. Along with the house, you also had money from your last check from work and your paid medical leave. When your boss had found out about your situation, he insisted on making it a paid medical leave as he wanted you not to worry about anything. You shrugged your shoulders in agreement. You had lowkey been wanting to do some retail therapy here lately. Usually, you'd be at the bottom of a vodka bottle, but it made you shiver at the thought of who you used to be.

"I wouldn't mind that, been wanting to go shopping lately. Retail therapy is the best way to go." You joked as you stabbed your fork into your waffle and bringing it to your mouth. Ben watched you, a smile rose on his lips as he did so. Each day he felt like he was falling harder and harder for you. He wanted so badly to ask you out but considering your trust for men has decreased dramatically, he decided against it and was willing to wait for you. He could never imagine pushing you and making you uncomfortable. It was the last thing he had ever wanted. All he wanted was to make you happy, together or not. Seeing your smile after going through a hurricane, made his heart sing.

"After this, don't forget to take your meds." Ben reminded as he started cleaning up all the dirty dishes he used to cook with. You nodded as you took a sip of your tea, not breaking eye contact with your phone. You had gotten a couple of sweet direct messages, emails and comments from Ben's fans every now and then when he post about you. His recent post was a picture of you in the wheelchair as you were leaving the hospital. You had a thumbs up and a soft smile. The caption always made you smile when you would read it.

'Strongest gal I have ever known. You're the bestest. @yourusername.'

You turned your phone off and put it face down, finishing up your breakfast and tea. You stood up, grabbing your cup and plate and placing them in the sink before heading to the upstairs bathroom. You let Ben know you were going to shower before you two would leave. He nodded and headed up to his room to get ready. When you made it to your closet, you tapped your index finger against your chin trying to decide what to wear for the day. You opted on an old vintage Queen shirt paired with some rocky denim shorts and cute wicker platform sandals. You set your outfit aside on your bed and undressed, getting ready to shower. Turning on some music, you turned the shower nob, making the shower piping hot just the way you like it. You hopped in, dancing and singing to the music that blared throughout the bathroom. You used a shampoo bottle as a microphone as you blared lyrics at the top of your lungs.

"Thank you for coming tonight. See you next time!" You announced to yourself in the mirror, trying to mimic crowd noise as you began to get ready. You dried your hair off with a blow dryer. You french braided it on both sides of your head, joining the two braids into a low messy bun. You pulled some baby hairs from your head, styling up the look a little better. After fondling with your hair, you began with your makeup. You swiped some concealer all over your face, blending it out with your sponge egg. You set the concealer with some powder and popped some nice and shiny highlighter on your cheekbones and inner corner of your eyes. You popped on some mascara, making your lashes POP and eye color beam. Finally done after applying a layer of chapstick, you slipped into your outfit. You wore a cute pastel yellow lacy bralette that went perfectly with your sandals and tshirt. Taking one last look in the full length body mirror, you nodded in content with the way you looked and finally made your way downstairs, after grabbing your wallet and phone.

Your sandals clicked against the tile as you skipped down the stairs. Ben was already done and ready to go when he saw you come down the steps. His heart lurched out of his chest at the sight of you, he couldn't help but smile at you.

"Ready to go?"

You nodded and slipped past him, beating him to his car. You waited for him to unlock it and slid into the passenger seat. You felt like today was going to be a great day. Nothing could stop the happiness you felt when hanging out with Ben.

The whole day consisted of laughter, shopping at the most random places, and loads of ice cream and random food trucks. This had been best day you've had in such a long time, all thanks to Ben. You were both strolling along inside the mall, when you spotted a Build-a-bear. You instantly started dragging Ben into the little store. When you were younger, your parents both bought you teddy bears. Ben, being the masculine boy he was, acted like it was too girly for him. Although when alone, he'd cuddle the bear close to chest and would yell at his mum if she tried to get rid of it.

"I have to get one!" You exclaimed as you went to choose your bear. Ben watched you adoringly with a loving smile on his lips. The way you stuck your tongue out of your mouth when you were trying to decide which bear you wanted made his knees want to pull below him. You ended up choosing a simple golden colored bear with green eyes. You stuffed it just enough for it to form but soft and cuddly. Finally, you got the choice of whether or not you wanted it scented. You chose not to because without anyone's knowledge, you planned on going home and spritzing it with Ben's cologne. When you were satisfied with how your bear turned out, you paid and the two of you finally ventured home.

"Today was so much fun Ben, thank you." You smiled and wrapped your arms around his waist, bringing him into a hug making him drop all the bags on the floor. He smiled and hugged you back just as warm and tight as you did. You pulled away far enough to look into his eyes. God his eyes always drew you in. You could stare at them all day long. Ben felt the same, you both were blessed with the most majestically colored orbs anyone could have. You smiled at him and brought your hands to his cheeks, softly pinching them.

"You're the best benny." You whispered as you laid your head on his shoulder. He planted his hand on the back of your head, lightly tangling his fingers in your hair.

"Come on, let's put this stuff up and go to bed."

••••••••

lol yay for shitty chapters bc i cant think straight

taglist: @benhardyisdaddy @monochromedeacon @queenbbarnes @haileylansley @shesakillerquueennn @onexlittlespark @zcars777 @loveandbeloved29 @beatlezrcool @likeit-or-leaveit @mrsmazzello @caborhapch @jacqueline1916 @thegarbage-queen @fatbottomedboi

perm taglist: @benhardyisdaddy @haileylansley @queenbbarnes @beatlezrcool @ezmina98

#having a freddie time #borhap #ben hardy x reader #ben x reader #ben hardy #bohemian rhapsody #gwilym lee #bran writes #save me #enjoy dis #ily to whoever reads this #please reblog #feedback is greatly appreciated #reblog

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transslyblue · 5 years

Note

Also "1-99"

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Haha, closed. I don't like seeing the dark void that I call a closet

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

Yea, but you can't really see them unless you're close

(3) Can You Whistle?

Yes

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame musical, the Tavern Song

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

Blue, but I also like a variety of purples and greens

(6) Relationship Status.

Single and not looking

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

69º F

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Yea, unless I wake up myself

(9) How Many Followers?

118, but I need to go through and block any bots. (;w;)

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Leo

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

Blue/green hazel. My eyes are multi-coloured so they have blue, green, and brown with a very grey look to them.

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

I forget daily

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

Yup!

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

I really want to get back to reading some more Lovecraft, but i don't have much time to read

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

"Minutes before librarians ate him."

(16) Favourite Anime?

Uuuuhhhhhh, hm. I guess it'd have to be InuYasha, but I like a lot of anime

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

Err,,, it was a very close friend. Idk if they'd want me to say who they are tho

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

Rocks and those snowglobe musicboxes

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

Yogurt and a protein bar. Ik, ik real healthy and filling

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

Depends on the song, but not really

(21) Favourite Animal?

Owls and cats

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

Not really, but when I do it's the diving Olympics

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

2am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

I don't wear makeup. Though I have considered it

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Either. Pool is safer though

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

Oof, idk if I can pick just one, so imma name a few. @ohhimarx @mirosuikaaa @masochist-incarnate they're all really friendly and nice

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

Whichever is most convenient at the time

(28) What Makes You Happy?

The sound of rain, art, my friends talking to me, I have a list that I've posted, so I won't list out here

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

Haha, I don't study;;;

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Cats

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

Blue-tiful lol, for real though probably bubble blue

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

Does Switch/ds count?

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

Idunknow

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

Not really, but I won't bash on anyone who does

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

Black, but is a Link being a meme

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yes

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

I save more then I spend.

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Yea, it's a pink pillow of Lion from Steven Universe and a music stand from when I was in middle school

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

Kirby in general

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

Nope, but I have touched one before

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

Yes and no. It really depends on how long I've been around them

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Omg yes! I remember a few and they were all lucid dreams! (I looked up the term from last time I answered this question)

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

Never been on one

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Of Mice and Men

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Both

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Panic!At the Disco, Fallout Boy, or The Neighborhood

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

Not really. There are some foods I refuse to eat, but otherwise I eat pretty much anything

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Yes

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

Nope! I actually like thunder

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

I enjoy reading. As for writing, eh. I'll write out my ideas but I'mno good at fleshing them out to be interesting

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Yes. But not too loud, just enough where I don't hear everyone around me

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Carve pumpkins! I really am bad at wrapping presents

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Hurts - Illuminated

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Spring and dying from pollen

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

Idk, something salty tbh

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

(58) What Is Your Gender?

I'm a transgender male, so i use he/him pronouns.

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

Both, but I like tea more

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

I'm not in school anymore soooo no

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Idk. Questioning I guess

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

I already answered this one, so I'll say a new pokemon that I love. Rowlet!

(64) Favourite Social Media?

Bruh I am not a fan, but Tumblrs the one I'm on most.

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

Idk. I don't have an Instagram

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

Yes

(67) Are You A Virgin?

Yes, and I plan to stay that way for awhile

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

I use Suave, but I also use TeaTree when I get really bad dandruff

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Depends on the place. But most likely I'd risk the motel.

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

My mom yes, my biological father... It's complicated

(71) Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

I don't really watch movies, so none

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

I don't have an ex

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

Be the person you needed when you were younger. I have no clue who said it, but I live by that

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

Eyes in general are great. Idk how anyone can not find something they like in any eye colour

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

YesYesYesYes

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Nachos

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Voez and Pokémon Go

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

Yes, because no oen deserves to die. I'd do my best to help any homeless person

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

Haha, not today. Yet

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

Not really

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

Yes!

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

I don't wear jewlery much. But I would like to get my ears pierced properly

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed! I don't want people or my cat to walk in

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

I woke up, did laundry, answered these questions

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

Pajama pants and a t-shirt

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

I've got none. Unless you want me to name what body wash i use. :/

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Night person

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

Phone: Voez, Pokémon Go

Switch: Legend of Zeld: Breath of the wild, Super Smash Bros Ultimate, Kirby Star Allies, Mario Kart 8, PuyoPuyo Tetris, Bayonetta 1&2, Hyrule Warriors, Just Dance 2017, Super Mario Party, Let's Go Eevee, Mario Odyssey, Undertale, Shovel Knight, Pokémon quest, Mom Hid my Game, Deemo, Sonic Mania, Detention, The Coma, Cave Story

3DS: Kirby Clash Deluxe, Kirby Triple Deluxe, Kirby's Extra Epic Yarn, Kirby Planet Robobot, Kirby Canvas Curse, Kirby Mass Attack, Kirbg Super Star Ultra, Kirby Squeak Squad, Pokémon Y, Pokémon Platinum, Pokémon Ultra Moon, Pokémon Alpha Sapphire Pokémon Heartgold, Legend of Zelda Link Between Worlds, Legend of Zelda Majoras Mask, Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time 3D, Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass, Legend of Zelda Spirit Tracks, Super Smash Bros, Luigi's Mansion Dark Moon, Wario Ware Gold, Super Princess Peach, Animal Crossing New Leaf, Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow, Cooking Mama, Cooking Mama 2, Sonic Colors

Gameboy Color: Pokemon Blue, Legend of Zelda Link's Awakening

This is over the course of many years

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

I had this dream where I was flying a red paper plane. It took forever to carry it up this tapestry, but i did it. When I finally took off this group of white paper planes were chasing me so I shook them off and landed, taking shelter in this museum. This museum held other people hiding and was actually an abandoned grocery store. Then I woke up.

I don't rememebr when this was, but I wrote it down. I have a few more if you're interested.

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

Strawberry Ramuné

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

Rainstorms,

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans, since I can't wear sweatpants to work

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

Uhhh, probably a slob since I've been in pajamas all day

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Stuffed animals

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

Idk. Haven't really wanted one. Maybe a connect the dots one.

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

Idk. I watch Pyrocynical and Markiplier, but other than that I listen to music, watch speedpaints, and speed plays of various videogames

#ask #thanks for the ask!#ask meme #long post #airplanes #rainstorms #thunderstorms #legend of zelda #kirby #sonic #etc #wow this was a lot #also im really sorry #mobile was being dumb and i accidently delelted your last ask #;n;#also i want let you know im getting those canon characters done soon

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low-budget-mulan · 5 years

Note

1-155

This is going to be long. So it’s going under.

1: Full name

Sara [REDACTED]2: Age

22 1/23: 3 Fears

Caterpillars, rolly pollies, idk?4: 3 things I love

my niece, my job, my friends5: 4 turns on

nice, caring, strong, able to cook6: 4 turns off

any of the guys I have been in relationships with lol7: My best friend

I have many. Brandon, kelsey, renee8: Sexual orientation

straight 9: My best first date

I mean. All my first dates were ok? Like the last 2 guys I dated I had a lot of fun. We ate and laughed and talked about memes. 10: How tall am I

5 ft 6 in11: What do I miss

My niece12: What time were I born

*was idk like 2 pm?

13: Favourite color

purple14: Do I have a crush

nah fam. Aint nobody got time for dat 15: Favourite quote

”be not afraid” 16: Favourite place

Mammoth/june mountain, disneyland, yosemite17: Favourite food

My grandma’s cooking. Always. 18: Do I use sarcasm

Nooooo. Why would I do that (i was being sarcastic. And yes) 19: What am I listening to right now

Slime rancher home screen music 20: First thing I notice in new person

face21: Shoe size

1222: Eye color

brown23: Hair color

^24: Favourite style of clothing

hobo with a job 25: Ever done a prank call?

yes27: Meaning behind my URL

brandon insulted me. I agreed

28: Favourite movie

Totoro, book of life, home, Christopher Robin29: Favourite song

idk??30: Favourite band

WAL31: How I feel right now

Sleepy after getting off a 38 hour shift32: Someone I love

My niece33: My current relationship status

Married to my job I guess. 34: My relationship with my parents

There is one at least35: Favourite holiday

CHRISTMAS36: Tattoos and piercing i have

Be not afraid on my arm. No piercings 37: Tattoos and piercing i want

Verso L’Alto, and some others38: The reason I joined Tumblr

neighbor made me one

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

I don’t hate him. I am hurt. But he decided to not want to be friends at all. I would have still loved to be friends with him, even though we didn’t work out. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

no41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

My cousin? no

42: When did I last hold hands?

idk? many moons ago 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

depends if I shower. If I shower then 30 mins. If not then 10

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

No I don��t have to shave my legs. 45: Where am I right now?

in bed46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

My friend renee. But I have never been drunk before because I am not a lightweight and I also know how to say no. Why would I intentionally want to make myself sick. 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

depends where I am and how I am feeling

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

yes, because I make minimum wage as a first responder and can’t afford to live on my own. 49: Am I excited for anything?

Not being on night shift anymore XD currently dying from it and need a break.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

Brandito51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

Whenever a patient or random person starts creeping on me. 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

I hugged My niece so many times today 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

I would tell him to go away. But like that’s just because I am mad at him. He can kiss whoever he wants. I don’t care. I don’t own him. He is his own person. 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

My friend Sam 55: What is something I disliked about today?

not sleeping all day 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

idk?57: What do I think about most?

My niece and how much I miss her. and wanting to move out 58: What’s my strangest talent?

I don’t have any 59: Do I have any strange phobias?

caterpillars and rolly pollies 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind 61: What was the last lie I told?

idk? Probably something I said to a patient? 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

online63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

no64: Do I believe in magic?

no65: Do I believe in luck?

no66: What’s the weather like right now?

sunny 7767: What was the last book I’ve read?

Emerald Dodge’s battlecry Series. 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

makes my physically sick69: Do I have any nicknames?

Low Budget Mulan, Sa’a, Scara, Hoe70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

uhhhhhh My back? and also my wrists and neck. But this is all from work and having to lift heavy patients. 71: Do I spend money or save it?

both. But I need to start saving more

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

yea73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

bubble gum tape

74: Favourite animal?

idk75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

working.76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

doesnt have one 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

idk78: How can you win my heart?

memes, food, money79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

”guess I’ll Die”80: What is my favorite word?

idk81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

i don’t have any 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Ambulances are not a taxi service and your stubbed toes are not emergencies. Pay first responders more. 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

not that I know of. 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

super sarcasm probably? idk? flight? invisibility? super strength?85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

this one 86: What is my current desktop picture?

default picture87: Had sex?

no, just waffles88: Bought condoms?

no89: Gotten pregnant?

no90: Failed a class?

many91: Kissed a boy?

yes92: Kissed a girl?

no93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

cant remember94: Had job?

many95: Left the house without my wallet?

yep96: Bullied someone on the internet?

just my sister97: Had sex in public?

no, just waffles98: Played on a sports team?

yes99: Smoked weed?

no100: Did drugs?

crack is wack101: Smoked cigarettes?

ew no102: Drank alcohol?

heck yea103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

no I dont hate myself104: Been overweight?

yes105: Been underweight?

no106: Been to a wedding?

yes107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yes108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yes109: Been outside my home country?

yes110: Gotten my heart broken?

ye111: Been to a professional sports game?

I’ve worked them 112: Broken a bone?

yes113: Cut myself?

yes114: Been to prom?

no115: Been in airplane?

yes116: Fly by helicopter?

no117: What concerts have I been to?

Many118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

no119: Learned another language?

pig latin120: Wore make up?

ye121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

no122: Had oral sex?

ew no 123: Dyed my hair?

yes124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes125: Rode in an ambulance?

Bruh. I work in one. I drive that bitch126: Had a surgery?

yes127: Met someone famous?

Many famous sports people and some others 128: Stalked someone on a social network?

every day 129: Peed outside?

yes130: Been fishing?

yes131: Helped with charity?

yes132: Been rejected by a crush?

no because I never make the first move. And I never tell someone I like them unless they have said they liked me first 133: Broken a mirror?

lol ye134: What do I want for birthday?

money135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

many. Idk?136: Was I named after anyone?

no137: Do I like my handwriting?

sometimes138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

furby and my doll139: Favourite Tv Show?

idk140: Where do I want to live when older?

yosemite, june mountain, mammoth, japan 141: Play any musical instrument?

no142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

on my hand, My mom poured hot caramel on me. 143: Favourite pizza toping?

pepperoni144: Am I afraid of the dark?

no145: Am I afraid of heights?

no146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

no 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

My whole life148: What I’m really bad at

everything149: What my greatest achievments are

nothing150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

some stuff my mom has said 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

move out and buy a house and save the rest 152: What do I like about myself

nothing 153: My closest Tumblr friend

brandito and kelsey 154: Something I fantasise about

having a family 155: Any question you’d like?

rood

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quackspot · 5 years

Note

imagine someone just going 1-200 and you have to answer 200 questions for a stranger

well u better strap up becuase im about to do it

200: My crush’s name is: i dunno who do u think my crush’s name is199: I was born in: a year which is 2004198: I am really: a homo sapien197: My cellphone company is: i think its samsung196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: 9 or 9.5 i think just 9194: My ring size is: WAIT RINGS HAD SIZES????? i dunno193: My height is: 5′4 ISH but i just say 5′4 because im actually really sensitive about my height and the less than an inch that brings me to 5′4 makes me somewhat happier with myself192: I am allergic to: maybe dustmites 191: My 1st car was: not yet190: My 1st job was: NOT YET189: Last book you read: technically a book called Dad Jokes theyre really funny jokes but if you mean story with plot then probably Grand & Humble unless if you include everything then yesterday i peeked in some books188: My bed is: a bed which i sleep in and that’s pretty much it actually i havent really made my bed in a while 187: My pet: jax and nibsy r the family pets jax is a shih-poo shihtzu poodle mix and nibsy is a cat186: My best friend: my brother185: My favorite shampoo is: shampoo184: Xbox or ps3: hard choice there’s xbox overall and little big planet this is actually a very hard choice lksiiro3jedsklmf,gsda little big planet is great........................183: Piggy banks are: piggy banks. theyre great182: In my pockets: I DONT HAVE POCKETS IM A WOMAN181: On my calendar: whats a calendar lol!!!!180: Marriage is: marriage 179: Spongebob can: dodod od odo dodooo178: My mom: IS GREAT i lov her shes a good mom177: The last three songs I bought were? i dont buy songs i listen to them176: Last YouTube video watched: i mean im listening to boyfriend big time rush on youtube right now but if you mean actual watching its snufkin saying “hi moomin” to moomin a quick 6 second clip175: How many cousins do you have? i duno174: Do you have any siblings? yeah173: Are your parents divorced? yeah172: Are you taller than your mom? probably not :(171: Do you play an instrument? i play the trumpet i did it today and it was really boring i dont want to go to any more graduations not even my own170: What did you do yesterday? things[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not really but somewhat and i like it because its a fun little thing to put in fiction 168: Luck: yea im very lucky167: Fate: its my destiny to die someday . . .. . in the futuuuuuuuuuuure

166: Yourself: as far as im aware no165: Aliens: yeah probably164: Heaven: i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing163: Hell:i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing162: God: only to blame them for stuff161: Horoscopes: yea theyre fun to read160: Soul mates: ehehehehehhe fun in fanfiction and would greatly b ok with it irl159: Ghosts: who else would hold my hand at night...... not even a ghost :) (but yea i do believe in them when i grow up i wana be a ghost)158: Gay Marriage: why wouldnt i believe in gay marriage 157: War: what is it good for156: Orbs: borb155: Magic: i like magic so i will believe in it [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: yes153: Drunk or High: probably high i guess152: Phone or Online: ONLINE151: Red heads or Black haired: black haired 150: Blondes or Brunettes: BRUNETTES dude blondes r ok but i personally like darker hair149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: SUMMER I HATE WINTER SO FUCKIGNT OASJKU*($@IRWJKOSDIUOKLJEZUDIFLK:LDSK:LKF:LJIODSKZVDJFKL mostly becuase i hate being cold and i hate snow becuase i have to shovel snow and its so cold147: Autumn or Spring: either one 146: Chocolate or vanilla: choc o late145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: curly but i guess straight is ok142: McDonalds or Burger King: burbger king good milkshakese141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: idk uhh milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: neither......138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich i can just buy surgeries to make me prettier lmao137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: i dont wanna answer this :(((((( i dont like being bullied135: Burried or cremated: cremated babye put me in the flames ;3c134: Singing or Dancing: i like singing i like dancing i like trains 133: Coach or Chanel: what132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are these people131: Small town or Big city: im just a mere small town babye ;3c big cities sound scary 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target has the good cheeseballs129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: i only know adam sandler128: Manicure or Pedicure: i dont do my nails 127: East Coast or West Coast: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh both are coasts126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday i get more gifts then uwu125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: disney because idk what six flags is isnt it a restaurant or something123: Yankees or Red Sox: a baseball bat [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: what is it good for!121: George Bush: idk 120: Gay Marriage: yeah gay rights119: The presidential election: im not that into politics so i dont understand the elections and i dont think their fair since i get all my facts from adam ruins everything this isnt even a joke118: Abortion: pro choice i dont giv a crap about some lifeless baby. its only alive if it can properly move its arms or cry or feel.117: MySpace: haha dead116: Reality TV: idk 115: Parents: theyre parents 114: Back stabbers: ow my back113: Ebay: website.... money112: Facebook: lizard man111: Work: what110: My Neighbors: idk who they are but my old neighbor was one of my best friends i should talk to him this summer109: Gas Prices: probably too high108: Designer Clothes: clothes107: College: something i dont plan on going to any time soon106: Sports: something i dont plan on doing any time soon105: My family: a family104: The future: spooky. very scary. idk what my job will be[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: idk (update it was today)102: Last time you ate: 4:13 ish i made ramne101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: i duno100: Cried in front of someone: today i suppose i almost cried???? maybe my dentist appointment a few weeks ago??99: Went to a movie theater: lego movie 2 i think98: Took a vacation: 6th grade im in 9th grade now its been like 3 years97: Swam in a pool: over 1 year i dont go to the pool anymore96: Changed a diaper: NEVER AND I NEVER PLAN ON IT95: Got my nails done: i duno94: Went to a wedding: i also dunno its been too long93: Broke a bone: not that i can recal92: Got a peircing: never and never will91: Broke the law: i duno90: Texted: just now i told my mommy to pick me up it wasl ike 1 hour ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: me88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my momy and nibsy and jax and probably zach but he’d already move out by the time i leave87: The last movie I saw: i dont remember probably lego movie 2 or osmething on tv86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: next year drama club85: The thing im not looking forward to: dying?????? idk man 84: People call me: moto moto (not really idk what they call me)83: The most difficult thing to do is: the most difficult thing82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never though i probs will someday81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius sun leo moon aries rising80: The first person i talked to today was: probably kiley79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten i think78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: nobody 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: *has a crisis over my future plans as i do not know*74: I have/will get a job: im gona work at target or burger king next year maybe it depends on if they like me73: Tomorrow: 5/20..............72: Today: today71: Next Summer: in a theater near u70: Next Weekend: my first summer weekend 69: I have these pets: I ALREAD YSAID WHAT PETS I HAVE I LOVE NIBSY WITH ALL MY HEART and jax with some extra parts of my heart68: The worst sound in the world: a sound67: The person that makes me cry the most is: me66: People that make you happy: me65: Last time I cried: ealier today64: My friends are: online63: My computer is: on62: My School: is a school61: My Car: nonexistent 60: I lose all respect for people who: are really mean and seem to hate people for being happy. people who make jokes that make me uncomfortable. i generally avoid them.59: The movie I cried at was: all of them58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: idk56: Favorite web site: idk probs youtube55: Your dream vacation: nowhere 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: A FEW WEEKS AGO I GOT STITCHES IN MY MOUTH AND IT REALLY HURT UGHGTUERIJOKFLDc53: How do you like your steak cooked: edible52: My room is: a room51: My favorite celebrity is: myslef..... just kidding idk any celebs 50: Where would you like to be: where i am 49: Do you want children: no 48: Ever been in love: hoo ha hoo ha i duno how love feels exactly47: Who’s your best friend: MY BROTHER46: More guy friends or girl friends: guys i think 99% of my friends are my brothers friends so45: One thing that makes you feel great is: being happy44: One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody right now but sometimes kiley43: Do you have a 5 year plan: 5 years??? haha no i only plan on using savings accounts to make a bit more money and MAYBE moving to kiley but idk for sure since i like my parents and my brother and my parents plan on driving around in an rv but idk man moving to another state would be HARD and im kinda lazy and i’d have to get a whole new driver’s license 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: lmao all my ideas are jokes40: Last person I got mad at: probably myslef39: I would like to move to: my bed???????38: I wish I was a professional: personer. talker. socialer. [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: probably snickers or a salted nut roll36: Vehicle: big car. tahoe shape. tahoe size. idk. something like a tahoe thats my only reference35: President: I Don’t Care34: State visited: probably florida its the only one of 3 states i’ve been to33: Cellphone provider: what32: Athlete: WHAT31: Actor: idk 30: Actress: idk29: Singer: not me? me? idk28: Band: taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hall??? ? ?? ? ?? ? ? ? I DONT KNOWIJ DSKJZLFKSJKLDSHDLfjklskl;fdkl;sfk;laf 27: Clothing store: i legit have like no faves god this is the hardest part26: Grocery store: target probably25: TV show: maybe the simpsons???24: Movie: idk ive seen a lot of movies23: Website: one of them22: Animal: one of them21: Theme park: universal studios20: Holiday: none of them theyre all ok but ??? meh19: Sport to watch: none.18: Sport to play: idk i dont like being competitive but??????? gym class is a fun sport! :)17: Magazine: none of them16: Book: one of them15: Day of the week: wednesday sounds like a good day. maybe sundays. 14: Beach: what13: Concert attended: frankly the only concerts i’ve been to are my own12: Thing to cook: probably ramen11: Food: cheeseballs??????? burger king milkshake, a drink?10: Restaurant: buuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrger kiiiiiiiiiiing?9: Radio station: 101.9 kelo eff emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm8: Yankee candle scent: what7: Perfume: what6: Flower: what5: Color: red or purple4: Talk show host: wha

3: Comedian: i duno2: Dog breed: one of them1: Did you answer all these truthfully? yeah i tried but i kinda gave up slightly after i came back from a graduation party though i also kind of gave up from the start so

#ohrat

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wantisamlindyla · 6 years

Text

Your Ghost - Chapter 1

New York, 1999.

He wanted her to live again, even if she could only come back to him through the pages of a book.

A/N: Hi all. I’ve been sitting on this for a while I finally decided to post the first chapter. I have a rough outline but I don’t know how many chapters there are going to be, maybe 6? This is AU, Mileven, takes place 15 years after Eleven disappeared. Most of season 2 still happened, but there was no Mike/Eleven Reunion at the end of episode 8. Will eventually post on Ao3, but I dunno when I’m gonna get my invite to set up an account. Enjoy!

28 October 1999

“Ladies and gentlemen thank you for coming here today. There will be a book signing of this amazing book after this session. Now, the reason for why we are all here today, and why some of you have been lining up outside the venue all night, is currently backstage, waiting patiently for me to stop nerding out and pull myself together to introduce him!

After publishing his first novel and topping the New York bestseller’s list at only the age of 23, he is here tonight to talk about his newest novel, titled the Ides of Winter, and the third book in the world famous Montauk series. Everybody, please join me in welcoming to the stage, Michael Wheeler!”

***

It was one month and 17 days into the book tour. Mike had one more stop in New York before he could call it a day and go home.

He was so goddamned tired, he still had several book signings, an interview with the New Yorker (with that pretentious prig, Howell), a TV appearance on the Today Show, and, a few radio interviews, before he can escape back to the Lake house in Lovell, Maine which he now called home.

It’s not all bad news though. New York means seeing Will again for the first time since Christmas.

Not that Mike has completely lost all touch with his old friends, quite on the contrary.

After graduating from a fine arts course at his brother’s alma mater, NYU, Will had decided to stay in the city. He’d eventually landed an unpaid internship at a small start up animation studio. Now Will split his time travelling back and forth from California to New York as the head character designer on a number of superhero animated cartoons that Mike watched religiously on Saturday mornings.

It wasn’t hard to stay in touch with Will, it was just that this last year had been manic. Mike had barely fit in time for sleep what with working frantically to get his novel finished, having to attend stressful and tense meetings with his editor, forcing himself to return his lawyers’ phone calls about a copyright infringement litigation his publishers had commenced on his behalf, and having to deal with ideas about for the short story anthology he had been working on springing up at the most inconvenient times.

He and Will still managed to talk every other day though, either by telephone or AIM.

Ever since Nancy and Jonathan officially became a couple around Christmas of ‘84, Jonathan and Will became regular dinner guests at the Wheeler residence. He and Will had become almost inseparable, more than anybody in the party.

During his parents’ divorce, which took place during Mike’s sophomore year of high school, with Nancy and Jonathan away at college, Mike spent more and more time at the Byers’ residence, trying to escape the tensions at home, right up until he left for college in ‘89.

At college, Mike made new friends, attended dumb keg parties, dated girls, but he never lost touch with Dustin, Will, Lucas, or Max.

You didn’t help save the end of the world with your friends, twice, and then drift away from them over trivial things like distance and attending different colleges.

In fact, Mike had just met up with Dustin only a few months ago. Dustin had been in Maine for some reason connected with his annoyingly mysterious job.

After Dustin had graduated from MIT he had immediately been recruited by a secretive tech company in California. Dustin couldn’t talk about where he worked or what he did at his job. Whenever people asked him where he worked he’d tell them Cyberdyne Systems with a straight face.

He and Dustin had attended the Phantom Menace premiere together with Dustin’s then-girlfriend, Cindy. The boys had left the movie theatre deflated and heartsore while Cindy had tried valiantly to console them by saying all the wrong things.

Dustin called Mike a few weeks later to inform him that he and Cindy were no longer going out.

“I had to dump her Mike, she said she thought Jar Jar Binks was cute. Also she refused to share her food with me when we went out.”

“So?”

“So? So? It’s weird. We go out for Italian and I end up having to eat an entire Pepperoni pizza on my own, which I don’t really mind, but then her ravioli looks good too, but she won’t let me have any because she likes us to have our own meals. And don’t even get me started on that time I took her to Wang’s Treasure Palace.”

Besides those occasional and surprising visits during the year there was always Christmas and New Years at Lucas and Max’s place to look forward to.

Of all of them only Lucas and Max had opted to return to Hawkins. Lucas quit his mechanical engineering job and got a position as an assistant professor, teaching at the community college only after a few years in Chicago. Max got a job as a mechanic at a garage. They bought a house, got married, and got busy starting a family.

Mike smiled at the memory of last year’s Christmas.

He’d practically lived at Lucas and Max’s house the whole time he was there since the picture perfect Wheeler family Christmases that his mom had worked so hard to create during his childhood was now only a distant memory.

Nancy preferred to spend her Christmases in New York with Jonathan and Mrs Byers. The Wheeler home had been sold a few years ago when Holly had left to go to college. Holly preferred to spend her holidays in Chicago with her boyfriend’s family.

His mom was away on another cruise, and, his dad was busy with wife number two.

So, Mike spent his Christmas and News Years at the Sinclairs. He’d taught their three-year-old son, Robbie, how to build a snowman. He conducted a twelve-hour D & D Campaign, pelted Dustin with snowballs, watched a pregnant Max eat all the ice-cream and listened to her complain about how gassy pregnancy made her, watched a star wars marathon and gorged on pizza on Christmas day (just because Max was the only girl in the party did not mean that she would be cooking and cleaning for four man-child wastoids who liked to mooch off her and Lucas).

Mike considered a detour to Hawkins for a visit after New York so he could meet the newest addition to the Sinclair family, baby Grace, who was about to turn 6 months old. He decided to bring it up with Will tonight at dinner.

Mike pulled himself back to the present and to the interviewer who was introducing him to her broadcast audience.

“You’re listening to Terry Gross on Fresh Air. Joining us today is Michael Wheeler, author of the best selling book series, Montauk. The series is set in the 60s, in the small town of Montauk in upstate New York, the town is haunted by the misdeeds of its occupants.

The main protagonist is Millie, a brave young girl, with a few secrets of her own.

When Millie’s best friend, Noah, goes missing in mysterious and sinister circumstances, she sets out on a journey into the woods near the town to find him. The first two books in the series have already sold over 80 million copies worldwide and a movie adaptation of the first novel is currently in the works. The third book in the series, Ides of Winter, was released recently.

Michael was only 23 when the first novel in the series was published. He was awarded the Hugo Award for best new author in ‘95 and he has been named one of Time’s most influential people of the year. Michael thank you so much for joining us today.”

“Of course, thank you for having me.”

Terry was one of the best interviewers Mike had the pleasure of meeting. Her soft spoken and inquisitive questions put him immediately at ease, so much so that so he almost forgot he was being interviewed on radio.

He didn’t forget to lie though.

When Terry asked him about where he’d drawn inspiration from for his twelve-year-old girl protagonist, he told her Millie was a blend of himself and the two sisters whom he’d grown up with.

When Terry asked him what drew him to the supernatural and horror themes prevalent in his novels, he only talked about the books and authors he’d read growing up.

��Michael, my favourite chapter of your second novel is the Cave of Horrors. I’m sure you get that a lot. I just wanted to ask you about that chapter, because it’s pivotal, its when Millie comes to believe that she may have truly lost her friend forever, and you write so well about grief, and loss, and the trauma associated with that at such a young age. I guess what I wonder is, was this kind of loss something you had experience with?”

Mike pauses for a long moment.

He doesn’t know what it was, perhaps it’s the kindness in Terry’s voice.

Maybe it was the year he’d just had, it’d been especially difficult.

Maybe it was the tour.

Maybe it was the thought of that big empty lake house waiting for him at the end of the tour.

Maybe he’s just so tired of the lies and the bullshit. He didn’t really even understand why he still did it; it’s as natural as breathing, but its been almost 15 years. All the men who could punish him or his friends for saying the wrong thing are long gone.

He doesn’t know why or what it is, but all of a sudden his chest feels as if it’s been cracked wide open and its like everyone can see the wound inside him, vulnerable and raw as the day it happened. He wants to tell the world about her, he wants to scream it from the top of the Empire State Building.

He’s twelve years old again, he can smell the tang of blood and the smoke of ashes that had never touched fire. He can hear the violent and desperate screams of a dying creature ringing in his ears and in between darkness and the flickering fluorescent lights, he sees her eyes, tired, resigned, and filled with pain.

Goodbye Mike.

He wanted her to live again, even if she could only come back to him through the pages of a book.

So he’d saved her the only way he knew how. She came back to life by people reading his book, by growing to love and adore Millie, the brave and wonderful girl that would face monsters and death in order to save her friends.

“I….I lost a friend when I was a kid Terry. I don’t really speak about it often. But the way that it happened….it was violent and sudden. I don’t think I was able to come to grips with it for many years. It’s hard to admit sometimes, I think I lie to myself about it, but so much of her is in my writing.”

Terry nodded thoughtfully even though though the gesture won’t be captured by the microphone.

“Did writing help you with dealing with that loss?”

Mike answered honestly, “I don’t know. Some days I think it’s made it worse, because she’s with me, everyday. I live and breathe the loss of her in work. But its just become inseparable from me, the pain. I think it’s just like an arm, or a leg. You heal, but you’re not ever the same. And you never really forget what you lost.”

#mike/eleven #mileven #fanfic #stranger things #au mileven #chapter 1 #authormike

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wisenedup · 6 years

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Why I’ve been so quiet so long(the gist of it is ‘intense family drama and really shitty health’, it’s very long sorry)

As y’all should know by now I have just like, an entire laundry list of mental health issues; I’m autistic(itself not a problem), have BPD, a severe anxiety disorder, depression, ADHD, and maybe C-PTSD it’s hard to say with everything else. Pretty much everything I have comes with the fun symptom of executive dysfunction, which basically makes it difficult to start and complete tasks- such as reading, writing, eating, cleaning, self care, etc. Basically it makes being alive difficult. Late 2016- long story short my mom moved out of the country and I had to find my own place and moved in with my boyfriend of at the time 5 years(now 7). He and I had been talking about moving in together for like 2 years before that, he was well informed of my MI stuff(including how hard/impossible it is for me to do dishes and things that involve leaving the house like garbage and laundry) and was very supportive; we agreed that he would be responsible for the dishes and whatnot. Fast forward about a year and a half, the house got so dirty we had 3 back-to-back gnat infestations, a pile of pizza boxes up to my waste, and maggots and mold in the dishes in the sink because Nathan hadn’t washed them in so long. At one point management of the apartment complex was notified and just *gestures* it never got that bad but it kept cycling back to ‘pretty bad’ because Nathan’s run so hard at work that he just will not do anything around the house and I ask him to do stuff and he complains and takes like 4-7+ days until he does it- I had to throw out my favorite pot because it got entirely coated in mold, we had over 6 garbage bags in the spare room at one point because he wasn’t taking them out, etc. Cut to about 2 months ago, we hadn’t been shopping in literally a month. We were out of food and I hadn’t eaten anything except a lil candy and like, 1 serving of McDonalds in like 2 weeks. My mental illnesses got about as bad as they ever have been and I napped for 2+ hours every day because I was so tired and miserable- I made a plan and the main reason I didn’t go through with it was because I couldn’t get the items I needed thanks to not being able to order stuff online or get to a store IRL. Blah blah blah other stuff blah blah, about 3 weeks ago Nathan’s like ‘I’m gonna go visit Bear(his friend who he talks to for 2+ hours every day) for a month starting April’ which like, great. Shit already barely gets done while you’re here, you’re gonna take a month off of your like $10.00 an hour job while I can’t work(I’m on SSI) to fuck off and have fun with your friend and leave me, a person with a severe anxiety disorder and no ability to leave the house, alone. A couple days after that I hear from my mom that she’s gonna be moving back to the states very soon, getting home before Nathan leaves for Florida actually. She’s gonna be in Ohio to visit me and auntie and pick up her car. Because we have a spare room and I don’t do well living on my own(I start to get anxiety attacks after about 3 days and they escalate to panic attacks after about a week), I was like ‘why don’t you stay with me while you’re here’. Blah blah blah, a little more drama(her ex-husband’s an asshole and was being a pain about giving her car back, she doesn’t wanna be here while he’s here, he’s threatening to call the police on her, etc etc) and lots of shifting plans(Nathan figuring out when he’s gonna go and come back, mom figuring out when she’s gonna get to the states, come here, go home, etc), we’re currently on “Nathan’s leaving on the 18th of April and coming back the 22nd of May” and “Mom’s coming the 21st of April and leaving probably before Nathan gets back”. My mental health always gets worse around my birthday(which was the 12th) and it was even worse with the entire thing with Nathan, him hardly helping out around the house, etc etc. I ended up doing most of the cleaning and he finally helped and he hasn’t been as much of a pain about it- but he’s also been working under the excitement of ‘I’m gonna be gone for 5 weeks’ soon and he always punches up the helpfulness around birthdays and anniversaries. He’s had like 6 days off in the past 2 weeks and while yes he finally has helped out a lot with stuff that needs done(I’ve had dirty clothes in the hamper for over 8 months, the fridge and counters are finally free of dirty dishes), there’s still more to do and he’s spent most of his free time on the computer, playing PS4, talking to Bear, and complaining about how much he has to get done before he leaves. On top of that, all this time(starting before our month-long absence of groceries and my literal starvation) I’ve been complaining to mom about how he doesn’t help out like he said he would and how he complains so much when I ask for help, how he won’t come serve himself when I make dinner, etc etc. I told her how we hadn’t been shopping in a month and I was literally starving and desperately suicidal for like 2 weeks and along with the topic of her moving back to the states she was like ‘well why don’t you move in with me’. After about a month of thinking, cleaning, mulling, talking with a bunch of my friends with it... It’s not good for me to stay here. I realize and completely understand that his job is hella stressful, but it’s not the most stressful job anyone has ever had. The other manager screws him over and he gets stuck with shitty shifts, but he has 3 days off every week and accepted responsibilities around the house. I definitely believe part of his problem is that he never fucking eats; the difference in mood and energy I had after going from ‘barely/not eating at all’ to ‘eating not necessarily well but at least once daily’ is astounding and it’s just insanely frustrating living with someone who doesn’t do the things they said they would do, complains when I ask for help, and lets the house get so bad we get maggots, fruit flies, and mold. Our respective mental health stuff plays VERY poorly off of each other and when the house gets bad(aka all the time), my mental health nose dives. Never mind how rarely we go shopping, translating to how rarely we have food, made even rarer because the dishes are so often dirty and the counters are so often covered, making it impossible to cook. My mom on the other hand, even when she was working like 60-65 hours a week 6 days a week(compared to his ~40 over 4 days), while less stressful than his(she owned a vape shop in a small town), still got chores done every week, helped me do them, helped me cook when I couldn’t, and went grocery shopping EVERY WEEK. After a lot of deliberation- I don’t want to screw him over by not being around to clean any more and once my SSI isn’t helping pay rent and bills any more he’ll be left with about $190 a month after rent and bills for food or anything**- my friends have helped me realize that me leaving isn’t throwing him under the bus-- he’s already done that. Me leaving is me pulling myself out from under the bus. So. That’s been rough. I’m gonna talk to mom about it while she’s visiting but at this point it mostly comes down to whether or not I can bring my cat, since I refuse to leave her here or rehome her. **Also he’s made a few comments about ‘I know I complain about my job being shitty but who else an afford to take 5 weeks off with no pay!!’ and I’m like... NOT FUCKING US. You’re a shift supervisor at a KFC, dude. I’m on SSI. We have so much extra money because we never go grocery shopping(that right there would take care of over $400 a month), we don’t have a car, we don’t have any insurance, we never go anywhere(shopping or otherwise. cabs in town are $6 one way and Nathan likes to tip a dollar or two, so that’s at least almost $30 a month we aren’t spending), we never clean so we aren’t spending money on laundry or cleaners(the use of the laundry machines alone would be $10-$20+ every month that we aren’t spending), so like. There’s over $450 we just aren’t spending every month because we DON’T DO THE THINGS WE DO. And he always harps on about how ‘wow we’re responsible adults!’ RESPONSIBLE ADULTS EAT, CLEAN, AND WASH THEIR CLOTHES, NATHAN. Responsible adults don’t blow over $1,500 on a 5 week vacation with no pay when they make $10 an hour. Just. Ugh Things have been pretty alright the last few days because it’s my birthday and nathan is always way more helpful around my birthday so we’ve ogtten most of the cleaning and stuff done and I was feeling bad about thinking about leaving but just like, dude. Shit is so bad and he’s acting like it’s not. This is even longer than I was afraid it was gonna be :/ Thanks if you read it all and just. Ugh. Yeah. Finally got most of the house cleaned up and my birthday’s behind me and my mood’s improving some, so I’m gonna be trying to get active on here. Nathan’ll be gone for 5 weeks soon so I won’t have the stress of having him around for a while and I’ll be able to cook for myself without fear so that should help... but also I get so anxious alone in a house. Probably will be limited activity while mom is around too because we’ll be hanging out and we’re gonna go out to eat at a bunch of places and to at least the Aquarium. Nathan’s gonna blow insane month we don’t have on visiting his friend? I’m gonna blow money on mom and me. I have over $1,000 in cash because, again, we never fucking shop, and I won’t be able to spend any of it until at least after the 21st and I’ll get another $750 on the first, so I’ll be set for a while, but I’m gonna try to save a good portion for if shit works out and I end up moing back in with mom.

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disabilitymissunderstood · 4 years

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welp you guys been requesting me to do one, so here i did! enjoy!

1: Full name

Amy)I prefer alex) Kathrine

2: Age/20

3: 3 Fears

men(i am working on it), small spaces and being forgotten

4: 3 things I love

animals, music, baking/cooking

5: 4 turns on

being held, kissing, hugging, and smiling

6: 4 turns off

yelling, being lied too, betrayal, being mean

7: My best friend

my dog

8: Sexual orientation

g-a-y (remember i am both genders)

9: My best first date

never been on a date D:

10: How tall am I

5′4 i am short :c

11: What do I miss

the old me, and my brother Micheal.

12: What time were I born

in the morning (dont know the time)

13: Favourite color

red, black, grey, and white

14: Do I have a crush

yesss

15: Favorite quote

“people don’t die from suicide, they die from sadness”

16: Favourite place

library, hot topic, humane society, pet-co/pet smart, cuddling with Gracie, in bed.

17: Favourite food

pastaa and rice

18: Do I use sarcasm

A L W A Y S

19: What am I listening to right now

never to late by three days grace

20: First thing I notice in new person

there attitude

21: Shoe size/ 8

22: Eye color/ B R O W N

23: Hair color/ B R O W N

24: Favourite style of clothing

anything from Hot topic/spencers

25: Ever done a prank call?

maybe when i was younger??

27: Meaning behind my URL/

i am disabled and just wanna let others that are aswell its okay to be different, you’re not alone<3

28: Favourite movie/ dogs purpose

29: Favourite song/ to many

30: Favourite band/ lots

31: How I feel right now

my neck is killing me >:(

32: Someone I love/ my dog

33: My current relationship status/ S I N G L E

34: My relationship with my parents/ good?

35: Favorite holiday

Christmas, thanksgiving, and Halloween

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

piercings- my boobs, my septum and my ears (i plan on getting more) and tattoos i haven’t gotten around yet

37: Tattoos and piercing i want/ check my blog

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

just to have a place to express my feelings and likes

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

Y E S

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

Sometimes

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

yesss

42: When did I last hold hands?

yesterday!

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

like 10 mins

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

yus

45: Where am I right now?

in bed

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

my brothers

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

loud

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

currently living w my mom but i am going to be moving into my apartment soon!

49: Am I excited for anything?

moving into my apartment soon! also applying for college soon!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

yes!

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

L O T S

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

today

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

i would be balling rn

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

yes

55: What is something I disliked about today?

nothing

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

mmm good question, probably ronnie radke

57: What do I think about most?

my future and sometimes my past...

58: What’s my strangest talent?

breathing

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

small places

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

some days behind it, others in front of it

61: What was the last lie I told?

mmmmm im not sure

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

texting

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes yes

64: Do I believe in magic?

yes

65: Do I believe in luck?

for other people? yes, but for me? no

66: What’s the weather like right now?

its storming (rain and thunder)

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

fifty shades of grey ^_^

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

yes ;,,,,;

69: Do I have any nicknames?

little one, poobear, princess

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

cut on my neck, deep scar on my arm, and my head

71: Do I spend money or save it?

save it

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

74: Favourite animal?

slothes are so cute! (i generally don’t have a favorite animal i love all)

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

watching netflix

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

mmm don’t know

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

sunflower by post malone

78: How can you win my heart?

by me food and show me u actually love me

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“she was a hero”

80: What is my favorite word?

F U C K

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

@foodie4ever @tropiclyy @sadviolences @traaumaa @beyondbrokenvixi

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

fuck you T R U M P

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

don’t know

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

let me fly xD

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

good question, i am not sure.

86: What is my current desktop picture?

my dog

87: Had sex?

Y E S

88: Bought condoms?

mhm

89: Gotten pregnant?

almost

90: Failed a class?

yes :)

91: Kissed a boy?

yes

92: Kissed a girl?

yus

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yes

94: Had job?

yes

95: Left the house without my wallet?

many times lmao

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

never

97: Had sex in public?

god no

98: Played on a sports team?

yes

99: Smoked weed?

yes

100: Did drugs?

yes

101: Smoked cigarettes?

yes

102: Drank alcohol?

yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

V E G A N

104: Been overweight?

yes but currently trying to lose it!

105: Been underweight?

i used to be skinny...(used to be anorexic)

106: Been to a wedding?

yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yes

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yes

109: Been outside my home country?

yes

110: Gotten my heart broken?

many times

111: Been to a professional sports game?

yes

112: Broken a bone?

yes

113: Cut myself?

i still struggle with it..

114: Been to prom?

115: Been in airplane?

yes

116: Fly by helicopter?

yes

117: What concerts have I been to?

marianatrench, post malone, nickleback, miley cyrus, and justin bieber-

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yes

119: Learned another language?

yes

120: Wore make up?

still do

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

yes

122: Had oral sex?

yes

123: Dyed my hair?

many times

124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes

125: Rode in an ambulance?

yes

126: Had a surgery?

yes

127: Met someone famous?

yes

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

god no

129: Peed outside?

camping...

130: Been fishing?

love it

131: Helped with charity?

always

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yes

133: Broken a mirror?

yes

134: What do I want for birthday?

happinesss

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

i want atleast 4 or 6..

136: Was I named after anyone?

my grandfather(my dads dad) mother

137: Do I like my handwriting?

sure

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

barbie

139: Favourite Tv Show?

IZombie and big mouth

140: Where do I want to live when older?

in the country.

141: Play any musical instrument?

piano and drums

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

self-harm

143: Favourite pizza toping?

everything that isn’t meat

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

nah

145: Am I afraid of heights?

yes

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

when i was 12

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yes

148: What I’m really bad at

not yelling

149: What my greatest achievments are

graduating treatment

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

“hey, i fucked your dead brother last night” ( a bully said that to me )

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

buy so many cane corsos

152: What do I like about myself

my personality

153: My closest Tumblr friend

don’t have one

154: Something I fantasise about

a better life

155: Any question you’d like?

anything!

#this took me awhile!#please enjoy!#i hope you enjoyed!#request for more and give out some more questions!#i love you guys #questions #requested lots #mine

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steamishot · 4 years

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Changes

~4/21? I think my mindset shifted a lot this past week, especially after staying with Matt and his family for a few days. Admittedly, I used to be very fearful of going outside to public spaces and be extra cautious every time I did take out. For example, my family and I have “outside clothes” and “inside clothes”. I would immediately toss my “outside” clothes into my laundry basket when I arrived home from the market or picking up food, even if I was out for just 5 minutes. My parents were against me doing any uber eats or takeout. They believed home cooked food was the best during this time and refused to eat non-homemade food. My mom left the house less than 2 times this past month. My dad is less fearful - he’s gone out multiple times a week (to buy food and for work) and doesn’t really care, but my mom and I always gave him shit for doing so. I felt like a huge hypocrite going out to see Matt, and was afraid of how my family would react.

I’m really awkward whenever talking about love or romantic partners with my family - especially after what happened with my last parter. I’m avoidant. So I ended up only telling my mom I was going to leave to see Matt 30 minutes before I actually did pack up to go, which was very bad on my part. She was heartbroken and was super fearful and asked “can you not?”. She later called me during the car ride and told me not to come home for a month. Hearing that made Matt feel guilty, and he called my mom’s idea stupid. We got into a huge argument, with me trying to defend my family. I found out later there was some underlying resentment, where he felt like my family treats him like second-rate, which is probably my fault because I choose not to talk about partners to my family.

4/25- it’s now been over a week that Matt has been home and I’ve seen his family every single day even on the days that we were staying at the Airbnb. Things have been kinda tense between us (I think he’s being mean to me, he thinks I’m mean to him). I realize that this is due to several issues:

- Quarantine/pandemic stresses: he’s a frontline worker in the epicenter of covid and working at one of the hardest hit hospitals. Even though he doesn’t verbally acknowledge his feelings and pretends he’s ok, he’s definitely more stressed out than usual. During this time, he’s even more sensitive to any criticism I have. He used to take it all (mostly), but he’s been retaliating more often recently. On his end, he feels that his whole life is a sacrifice, and he’s working extremely hard especially during this scary time - why do I have to criticize him during his vacation? I should just let him enjoy himself.

-Attention: We’re staying with his family during this time, so it’s his time to catch up with everyone. He’s also catching up with his friends online. Because these are the people he rarely talks to (he calls me everyday vs. calling family for like 5 min once a week, and never calling/texting his friends), I have become last on the priority list in attention during his vacation. I keep telling myself it’s fine. However, because I’m also the person he is closest to, I feel like it’s me who puts up with his shit the most. Then I question, why do I have to be so nice to someone who is not very fit as a good partner (due to residency, especially during a time like covid), and on top of that has to be rude to me? I started feeling salty about that.

- Lack of comfort: not to be ungrateful, but I realize that staying at someone else’s home for an extended period of time is stressful, even more so under quarantine. I’m not carefree at his home, and I feel like I have to be on my best behavior/ “professional” around his parents. I lose structure in my daily life and I always have to depend on someone else. I have a few articles of clothing I’m wearing over and over lol. His dad generously gave us his room (because it’s attached to a restroom). However, we’re sleeping on an old spring mattress that creeks with every movement. We’ve had to have quiet, inhibited sex lol.

Anyway, I’m PMSing - 6 days before my period. I hate that I tend to PMS during the times that we have to spend together. I know my concerns are legit, but PMS can make it seem worse/more dramatic than what it is. I was watching Insecure season 4 yesterday, and there was a scene that stuck out to me. Issa’s best friend Molly (who has been single for quite some time) started dating a guy that she really likes. A few weeks later, she got upset that he wasn’t opening up to her. Issa asked something along the lines of “do you actually wanna be happy? you keep looking for problems.” Hearing that kinda put things into perspective for me, as I tend to focus on the negatives than see things as a whole.

Let’s focus on positive things:

- Having a partner in healthcare feels like having the fastpass in an amusement park. Going to costco and beating the line. Free stuff/food everyday. His mom is a PT at USC and she’s received free food, free orchids, free tangerines, etc. I stopped feeling guilty about being out for non-essential things (like going out for take out multiple times a day), because my doctor partner deserves it. When I return to my life at home, I’m not going to do this anymore. Also, he had a healthcare worker discount at the north face, and bought a jacket for me, his mom, and himself.

- Running. The men in his family are all into running. His dad is almost mid-60s and runs 5 miles multiple times a week. His teenage brother runs 7-9 miles like everyday. Matt used to run a lot too, and was the top runner in high school. That’s why even though he’s fat now, it’s only his upper body that is actually fat. His lower body still has that runner’s physique. I went out to the trail with them 3 times already. It’s hard because I have allergies in this weather, and also it’s damn hot. But I was able to run 3.5 miles last time. I’ll try for 4 today.

- Everyday, his parents always ask him what I want to eat. They’re so accommodating, especially his dad. Tea is sacred to his dad, and he never really shared before. No one else in his family was interested in tea either. But because I showed interest and love tea, he’s been asking me multiple times a day - do you want tea? Do you want wine? LOL. He buys breakfast everyday - dimsum, burger king, mcdonalds, chinese breakfast, etc. They always make sure I am fed.

4/30 - after I wrote my last blurb, everything started going uphill. We both became more understanding of each other, and more forgiving. He became more relaxed, I became more relaxed. We were able to have fun again. to highlight the fun times that i had with him and his family:

- the first or second day i was over at his parents house, his dad offered me some tea, but i declined because it was already late and i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to sleep. i asked if we could take some tea leaves to go since were staying at an airbnb at the time. matt says he’s protective of his tea. i think he was a little shocked when i first asked him, because no one in his family is interested in tea, but he gave me like 2 bags initially. his mom was like GIVE HER MORE, GIVE HER 10. SHE IS LIKE FAMILY. i felt a little awkward but i love me some tea.

- did so. much. takeout in 13 days. the first couple days I was still kinda paranoid about going out, but by the last day it felt like NBD to me. Got to eat poke, sugarfish sushi, nabemono hot pot, pho x3, banh mi, boba everyday, ramen x2 (men oh, ramenhood), burgers x3 (in n out, bunz, the win-dow), sugar cane x2, taro cake, yin ji chang fen, thai, philz, dim sum etc. it was reminiscent of our lifestyle whenever we went on vacation. we were still fatasses during quarantine.

- played board games with his brother and mom. played poker with the family and his dad. his younger brother and i lost early on cause we suck, but he and his dad continued playing for another hour and a half or so - matt ended up winning. but it was very nice to see them spend time together as spending time playing games like that was never a thing in their family

- i helped his family take some cute family photos (with and without masks on). his mom likes taking family photos and usually gets to do so on family trips, but said they didn’t get any this year because of the quarantine. the boys aren’t big fans of photos either so she took advantage of me being there. i was also part of a few family photos!

- made charcuterie boards for his family. they really enjoyed it.

- i spent some quality time with his 88 year old grandma. she mostly does her own thing (which is being babysat by an ipad), but one day i made her draw with me by following youtube tutorials - we drew a flower, mickey mouse, a cat, and a monkey together. she asked me to save a video so she can continue doing it and get better. another day, i wanted to have her write/read in english and chinese. his mom found an elementary chinese workbook and she ended up teaching me. the material was very easy and she was like “uh you’re already very good” lol. i then switched the roles and asked her to write in english - she was surprisingly very good and could write quite quickly. as an assignment, i asked her to write a letter to matt. it was precious. it took me back to the days where i would teach english to chinese seniors. i took a pic of them using my instax camera, and she really loved it.

- watched farewell with his grandma, brother, and mom. we already watched it once before so he was sitting in the back only paying half attention. his brother was immediately into it and got emotional at times. at one point, he had to stand up and go towards the back of the room because the emotions were too much to handle. matt said his brother was tearing up. his mom said that watching their family was very relatable and it reminded her of her own family. i tried watching this film with my mom and grandma, but they didn’t get it and found it boring. it was nice to watch a chinese-american film with a chinese family to get that commentary.

- ran/walked/jogged at the trail a total of 20 miles during my stay there

- did home work outs - yoga, blogilates and peloton HIIT with him, his family and friends. we did echo park steve’s yoga one day too. his mom enjoyed peloton yoga and blogilates and asked me to save the videos for her.

- in the first few days, his mom kept repeating “life is beautiful”. the first day, we cheered to him still being alive lol. (not funny and his mom was sleepless a few nights due to worrying, but i think it’s gonna be ok)

- news so I can remember: 3 programs in cali reached out to matt during his vacation, asking if he’s still interested in interviewing for a PGY-2 program. loma linda was one of them and would have been an amazing program to be a part of. it was a very hard decision, but he declined. he had already signed a contract with brooklyn, and this would require him to speak to his program director about his interest in switching programs. not a good look if you don’t actually get into the program.

- his parents (moreso mom) is an avid, adventurous traveler. they had plans to go to africa this year and talked about rescheduling. she included matt and i in the plans to go next year and said “the four of us”. matt brought up norway instead, since that’s more doable. so we settled on going to norway as a family.

- went with matt’s dad to drop him off at LAX yesterday morning at like 6:30am. he then dropped me at home, and officially met my mom for the first time. they shook hands and he told my mom “connie is so nice”. LOL.

After coming home yesterday, my mom bombarded me with questions about matt and his family. and then asked about our future and whether we are thinking of marriage. she is against me moving to nyc during this pandemic, and i hate how uncertain everything is right now. she also thinks that i should be engaged before i uproot my life to move over to be with him. i agree to an extent, but i also understand if he is not ready. it is crazy that we have now been long distance longer than being together in person, and with this pandemic, i’m not sure how long that’s gonna continue. i found out that my mom feels ashamed of me going to stay at a boy’s house for that long. a boy i am not engaged/married to. she doesn’t say it but the actions make me seem slutty to traditional people. she hid the information from my brother and SIL - i think because she would be ashamed if the info leaked out to her parents. that is why she keeps pushing the idea of marriage/engagement on me.

I took yesterday to kinda get used to being back at home, and felt quite sad to detach from my “second family”. In a way, even though it wasn’t always comfortable or easy, I at least felt I wasn’t stagnant. It was like a “bootcamp” to fit in with someone else’s family, their routines, and their daily lives. I’m also happy that I was pushed to run. They eat pretty heavy food, and they all overeat, but they also exercise a lot. My family portions well and eats very clean, but has milder workouts. Sometimes they intentionally skip meals to lose/maintain weight, whereas my family would throw a fit if we didn’t have food at a certain time. Their family is larger (130-190lbs), whereas my family is like (110-150 lbs)? After coming back home and eating my mom’s very clean food, I felt it wasn’t as tasty and I started craving heavier food lol. I think it would be beneficial for me to eat/live like their family for a few months (to gain weight and be stronger), and for matt to eat like my family to lose weight.

When we were eating takeout ramen one day, his mom mentioned that he never used to eat carbs. When he was at home and had a workout routine, it was just protein and veggies. I realize that without me, he probably wouldn’t be such a fatass lol. He said he would probably be too lazy to go out to eat, especially if he didn’t have a partner. I remembered that before meeting me, his diet would be soylent and protein bars. We’ve come a long way.

Anyway, I’m finally getting back into my routine at home. It’s kinda boring now, but I’ll adjust. I did only the minimum for work these past two weeks, and now UC Path is down for a week, meaning I can’t really do much work. I’m taking a half day tomorrow, using COVID admin pay. My tomato plants grew a lot. My ginger may have sprouted a little, but my strawberries seem like they’re a fail. Finally applied for PUA for my uncle, hope he will be receiving a paycheck soon. Supposed to get my period really soon so I’ve been feeling pretty lazy. I may start running outside on my own.

I’m worrying less about covid now. I used to freak myself out by reading the news everyday and following the subreddit, but looking at statistics, I feel ok.

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sapphired17 · 4 years

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It feels surreal to me that we have passed the 2010s already. Time went ahead like an express train without a single stop. What’s more shocking, the first half of 2020 hasn’t even come to an end but the hassles have been getting out of hand. It was peaked with the news of corona virus (COVID-19) outbreak since the beginning of January 2020 and is still an ongoing issue up to the present time, albeit, thankfully, we have also seen a lot of recovered cases. One of the biggest aftermaths of the outbreak is in the tourism department, in which most governments would put a temporary travel ban as a means of preventive measures.

And have I told you about my yearn of traveling, haven’t I? I wrote a post about my first-time-backpacking-experience in Singapore last year, and my journey didn’t stop there. I’m making my itineraries for my upcoming trips to Japan and South Korea already just to showcase my utmost excitement upon discovering brand new things. Unfortunately, the trip schedules are still on hold as I’m waiting until the whole pandemic comes to an end. As an self-comforting attempt, I decided to write about my previous one-week vacation in Malaysia last December 2019 so that I could reminisce a bit about the lingering feelings.

Day 1: Mind-cleansing and peace-making attempts

By the time one enters the pit of adulthood, there are endless things to do, and I really mean my words. Working earnestly, either to fulfill your or your parents’ desire; adjusting with the workplace and making sure to get along well with everyone; getting the work done without skipping meals or sleeps; socializing with friends even if it requires you to be present in tame parties or gatherings; building new meaningful connections while maintaining the existing ones; finding a lover and deliberating whether you both will make a great match, then proceeding to marriage if it is, or starting over if you are doomed; and also making more money; not to forget about looking after your family and attending family occasions to meet with relatives who might shower you with ruthless curiosities; also taking part in side volunteering activities in case you are a social person; then definitely making sure that everything goes well in between. Whoa, being a social being is surely busy, isn’t it?

Just like how humans need sleep everyday in order to stay alive, breaks are also needed so that we may keep living. I didn’t think too much on my way to Malaysia, only overwhelming excitement within. And my crazy journey slowly began.

I booked a direct morning flight with AirAsia without extra-baggage to save cost, then went straight to my friend’s apartment from KLIA2. There is a Skybus service that departs every 30 minutes on weekdays (and 60 minutes on weekends) from KLIA2 to various routes available daily, and I left for One Utama stop for MYR 15. It’s one of the biggest and most popular shopping centres in Klang Valley. My friend stays in a condominium nearby along with her co-worker, leaving a one-room space for me to sleep for the next three nights. Later that evening, another Malaysian friend took me to Tanjung Bungah Nyonya in Petaling Jaya’s SS2 area, known as an authentic restaurant to grab essential Nyonya dishes.

As for the public transport, Malaysians mostly use Touch n Go card to commute with train or bus services. You need to buy the card for MYR 15 with a purse value of MYR 9.80. This reusable card can easily be topped-up in convenience stores.

We had sweet fried chicken, fried tofu and sayur Paku, a vegetable dish known in English as wild fern shoots. I didn’t think I had ever had one in Indonesia but that one was pretty pleasant to my tongue. They all reminded me to my mom’s home-cooked meals.

We stopped by at Restoran Kayu Nasi Kandar SS2 nearby for this delicate roti canai and roasted chicken with dip-in curry sauce, not to mention this sweet roti tissue. Thanks to her, I went home with happy tummy and smiley face.

Day 2: Fun trip, group trip

Haven’t I told you about the superb Couchsurfing app, have I? So basically I managed to gather more people for a one-day trip. Long story short, there were five of us going to popular tourist attractions like Batu Caves and Genting Highlands.

The history of Batu Caves is affiliated with Hinduism, and this is one of the most popular Hindu shrines outside India, which was built in honor of Lord Murugan. If you are familiar with a huge statue at the entrance of Batu Caves, yes, that is the statue of Lord Murugan. Batu Caves itself is always swarmed with visiting tourists.

It cost me my bloody sweaty t-shirts and tanned complexion to reach the huge cave on top of the stairs.

The next destination was Genting Highlands. With the entrance fee of MYR 16, you can roam around the French village, Japanese village and also many other awaiting attractions. We stopped by Colmar Tropicale, a gorgeous Medieval French Village in Berjaya Hills. The cold wind was mild but humid and I indeed felt like leaving for a far far place.

One of the most fascinating experiences was visiting Amber Court, a 23-story apartment building known more as a haunted hotel in Genting. Legend said, a lot of gamblers committed suicide there after losing everything in the casino. If you look up on Google, you might find several interesting testimonies from people who once visited Amber Court. We, too, entered one empty room once and felt something creepy inside. It definitely isn’t a place you’d be comfortable roaming around.

To wrap up the visit, I visited Sky Avenue Shopping Mall and entered the Sky Casino, known as the largest casino in Genting Highlands. In order to make an entrance, you need to register the membership to receive a membership card. As part of the regulations, you are allowed to enter the gate unless you are underage, a Muslim or wear slippers. Photo-taking is also forbidden inside the casino, but it is definitely a huge-scaled casino. You can top-up the balance of the card in order to play the game. Machines are everywhere and people are busy gaining money under the supervision of CCTV cameras and security guards.

Later that night, my local friend took us to Restoran Tiong Hokkien Mee (non-halal) located around Damansara Utama to try the oriental Hokkien Mee there. The texture of the noodle is thick and coated with greasy seasoning, also added with seafood and samcan chops. Definitely a great meal to end day for only MYR 45 (a big portion for 3-4 moderate servings).

Day 3: Lone wanderer in Malacca

The days ahead were pure solo traveling for me. I took off at 7 in the morning to catch the bus to Malacca, a historic state located in the southern part of Malay Peninsula. There is a plenty of bus services that depart from TBS (Terminal Bersepadu Selatan) every 30 minutes with particular operating hours. I bought a TBS – Melaka Sentral bus ticket for MYR 11.4 (including TBS Passenger Insurance Protection for MYR 0.40). The trip approximately lasts for two hours, but the seats were comfortable to sleep on so it didn’t matter. December is still on the rainy season so I was told to bring an umbrella with me in case of any drizzles, which did happen upon my arrival there.

One of the most popular tourism spots in Malacca is Jonker Street, known also as the centre of Chinatown. Although it is mostly packed in the evening for the fabulous Night Market, some shops are also open during the day to welcome local or foreign visitors. Snacks, full meals, handicrafts and souvenirs are available along the long wide alley.

This is the widely-known chicken rice ball that I tried at Famosa Chicken Rice Ball outlet. the savory rice ball cost MYR 1.20 each and tasted like the Japanese onigiri. Added with a steam otak-otak for MYR 13, they made a mouth-watering palatable lunch menu to my mouth.

In Malacca, you may discover gorgeous ancient landmarks and fortresses that spark British, Dutch and Portuguese vibes. It is a relatively small city but I only had half a day to roam around. Thus, I managed to witness several ancient churches and other buildings upon walking down the road from Jonker Street. Some buildings of walkable distance are Christ Church Melaka, St. Paul’s Church and A’Famosa Fort. No entrance fee required.

I ended my solo trip in Malacca at around 5 and went back to KL using the same means of transportation and the same bus fare as well. Upon my arrival, my local friend took me to Big Big Wantan in Damansara Uptown, Petaling Jaya for a bowl of warm wantan mee for MYR 6.5. I would say that it was one of the best wantan mee I have ever tasted with great thin mee’s texture and yummy pork dumplings, 10/10 lah.

*Not exactly a photogenic angle, if not an atrocious one, but yeah.

Day 4: A fresh start in Penang

I wanted to experience another side of Malaysia after spending some days in KL, and my choice fell on Penang, or known also as Pulau Pinang. It is a state located in the northwest coast of Malaysia Peninsula. Many people, including myself, probably have heard of Penang because of the prominent advanced hospitals. You can ride a bus, take a train or fly with a plane from KL to Penang. I flew with AirAsia airline for around MYR 80 and stayed with a host from AirBnB. It was a cozy room in an apartment located in Bayan Lepas, about 5-minute distance (by car) from Penang Airport. The rent cost about MYR 13 (including the service fee) per day. I think AirBnB does a great job in accommodating single or group travelers with clean cozy budget rooms in strategic locations of the town.

The capital city of Penang state is a city named George Town, or officially the City of Penang Island. It has it all; good signature cuisines, entertainments, night markets, malls and cultural heritages. Bayan Lepas, however, is a free industrial zone that contributes to the financial improvement of Penang as the financial centre of the northern part of Malaysia. It roughly takes around an hour or more to reach George Town from Bayan Lepas by bus. I had to go past more than 30 bus stops in order to get there, but staying close to the airport surely has its own perks.

The astounding breath-taking view from the window of my AirBnB room during the day.

And the rest of day was all about food-tasting experience.

This is the authentic hokkien mee from the Three Road 888 Hokkien Mee at Presgrave Street, George Town, and dawet cendol from the stall in front of the store. It comes with yellow noodles, bean sprouts, half a boiled egg and pork. The soup is thick and robust and everything else perfectly fits into places. 8.5/10 for me. And the dawet cendol makes an awesome fresh dessert.

There is this popular place to eat Nasi Kandar, a northern Malaysian dish that comes with well-spiced curry broth. Nasi Kandar is originally brought by Tamil Muslim traders from India that settled in Malaysia. Restoran Deen Nasi Kandar is quite well-known in George Town and the queue is crazy. I waited for around 20 minutes before being able to finally sit down and have a proper dinner. It is somewhat similar to Nasi Padang, one of Indonesia’s signature food from Minangkabau, North Sumatera. Regardless, if I have to compare the taste between Nasi Kandar and Nasi Padang, I’d say that Nasi Padang is more on the spicy side and Nasi Kandar is richer in spices. Both are delicious in their own ways. Prices are affordable depending on your choice of add-ons.

Lastly, my final culinary experience ended with a koay chap from a regular street stall in George Town’s night market. Made of hard-boiled egg, mushrooms, pork belly, pig intestines, pig skin, this is not a kind of food I would like to eat on a daily basis, but still acceptable as a culinary choice. It probably cost around MYR 10.

Day 5: A lost day in George Town

The next day was another solo adventure to George Town. Penang isn’t as advanced as Kuala Lumpur in terms of public transport, but they surely provide a lot of buses to hep people commute from here to there. However, the biggest downside of public transports in Penang is that they accept cash but do not give change. I only had the RapidKL card with me, surely non-usable to tap in the buses in Penang. There is this Mutiara card which local people use as a top-up card, just like the RapidKL card. However, I believe that it’s only applicable for locals because you need to register with your identification card. Thus, I spent lots of coins and banknotes more than I should have done because they offer no change.

Another point to note if you are about to travel around Penang by bus is to pay serious attention to the bus stops mentioned by the loud speaker or written on the screen because there slight differences might occur with the guideline written in Google Maps. One time I received quite a backlash from a bus driver for being accused as a free-loader. I initially planned to visit Snake Temple so I checked the location via Maps and even memorized the stops. Unfortunately, I missed the stop because the names of the bus stops were unfamiliar (I was sure I did check the route of the correct bus number, though). I wanted to get off soon but the driver saw my bus ticket and he thought I purposefully checked in for Snake Temple for a cheaper fare. It was indeed a baffling situation for me and I ended up putting in more coins and got off in George Town. Nonetheless, that experience left a bitter taste in my mouth.

George Town is a beautiful town surrounded by classic yet historical buildings and polished by modern infrastructures. The weather was relatively hot but also quite windy, so walking down the long street is not exactly devastating. The sky and floating clouds offered a marvelous view along the horizon. And my first quest was all about food.

I found Yeap Noodles Cafe by accident while walking down Lebuh Chulia street. This is Yeap Noodles in Herbal Soup with pork slice, crab sticks, fish ball and beancurd skin for MYR 11.9. Not aesthetically pleasing, I would say, and it tasted quite bland in my opinion. Maybe I should’ve ordered different menu like the ones with thicker broth or the fried noodles. 7/10 since I was starving at that time, but I believe that the price was quite overrated.

And of course I didn’t want to miss the view of Batu Ferringhi Beach while in Penang. It took around an hour to reach the beach from George Town by bus (I took the bus from Komtar Terminal, where nearly all local Penang buses make a regular stop). Sky was disgustingly bright and clear at that moment, definitely a great place to clear your mind and rest for a bit. They offer banana boat and parasailing activities too!

If I had to mention a recommended noodle place in Penang, this is it. Hong Kee Wan Thun Mee (also known as Hong Kee Bamboo Noodle) in Lebuh Campbell, George Town. They seriously serve one of the most authentic Chinese mee in town. Thick and chewy in texture, added with yummy dumplings on the plate. I’d give 9.5/10 on this one, really. Spent MYR 8.3 and it’s really worth-it.

In the end, my lost day was impressive enough albeit I did spend hours roaming from here to there even with the guide of helpless Google Maps, or helpless me. I walked from here to there, even went as far as visiting Batu Ferringhi Beach by myself and made an entrance only to sit on the sand for hours with blank thoughts. I was exhausted and my legs almost gave in but somehow I managed to catch the bus and rest my body for an hour before I reached the apartment by 10 PM local time. It marked my last day in Penang and I felt that time flew too fast but I was fortuitous to have seen good things, eaten good food and met good people. I believe that I have found the true joy of traveling, which is all about good experience. And although getting lost was not exactly a pleasant experience, it has told me that as alone as I might have been, I still have myself and this self will never leave me in whatever mess I have gotten myself into. And that being said, I should take a really really good care of myself, and so do you.

Day 6: A Medan day

I didn’t have a particular reason for visiting Medan other than a short escape in an unfamiliar place. Medan is merely an hour away from Penang by air transportation, so why not? Coming back to place where people speak the same language as I do after quite a long time was finally breathing a fresh air after suffocation. There weren’t many things to do other than eating good food and sight-seeing good things. I booked a room for a night with a cool budget price from AirBnB.

I found Rumah Makan Tabona upon surfing on the internet to look up iconic food and places in Medan. It was established in 1983 with curry bihun as their signature dish. I ordered curry mee and it’s heavenly-tempting and rich in taste. The curry broth surprisingly matched well with the mee and I was really in awe. 9.5/10 and I believe everyone should have a try!

In the evening, I was recommended to try Kwetiau Ateng by a friend, to which I welcomed with an open hand. I mean, who doesn’t like kwetiau and the chewy texture that digests well in your stomach?

The complete set of kwetiau dish includes fishball, lapcheong, chasio, shrimp and egg. It’s inarguably 10/10.

Indeed one of the best kwetiau I have ever had in my life. A legit 10/10!!

Day 7: A night at KLIA2

In order to fly back to my hometown, I took multiple flights as following; from Medan back to KLIA2, then KLIA2 straight to my hometown. It had been planned beforehand as I had calculated lots of different options and this one was the cheapest, if not counting the extra-baggage cost that I paid later.

I woke up quite early in the morning and prepared myself for a brief adventure before an evening flight to KLIA2. The weather was great and the sky was as clear as crystals, so there wasn’t any reason to be dispirited.

As a choice of breakfast, I tried Soto Kesawan Medan, another prominent culinary option for tourists and locals. Usually soto is served as clear chicken soup, but soto kesawan comes with thicker broth (but different from curry broth) and is served with shrimp as the main menu (but chicken is also available so you can choose anything that goes better in your mouth). Personally, I don’t find soto kesawan mouth-watering enough to be willing to come over for the second attempt. 7.5/10 is enough. Not my cup of tea, I guess.

Before my flight back, I visited a historical place named Tjong A Fie Mansion, a classic residence located in a neighborhood called Kesawan, West Medan. It is registered as a historical landmark as well as one of Medan’s cultural heritage. Entrance fee is IDR 35k including tour guide-service to go sightseeing around the two-storey mansion. Tjong A Fie is a successful Chinese entrepreneur who literally built an empire in Medan that employed over 10,000 workers at that time. He became a prominent figure of Chinese leader respected by the people.

When the time was close to a farewell, I got back to the airport and waited for my upcoming flight. It was only like a short two-hour flight that I was already back in KLIA2 at around 5 PM local time. The upcoming flight to my final destination was early in the next morning, which marked my first attempt staying out in the airport. It was bothersome, anyway, to leave the airport and commute again so early, so I’d rather hold out until the final straw. It was a brand new experience beyond shadow of a doubt. I kept walking here and there without direction like a lost puppy.

The stores inside KLIA2 generally close at midnight and reopen at dawn, but there are a few food shops that open 24/7. When I was extremely used up after a long walk, I sat down on the floor near a charging outlet so that I may recharge my smartphone. There were also people beside me who did the same so it didn’t feel weird at all. I waited for a long time trying to stay awake amidst the fatigue and cold room temperature. Finally, I visited a food shop at 3 AM named Ah Cheng Laksa to digest something warm to my stomach. The one i ordered was Asam Laksa without any meat, and it turned out to be one of the worst food I had ever had all my life.

The distateful laksa that burned down my MYR 21 huft

Didn’t know exactly how an Asam Laksa is supposed to taste, but this one definitely made me lose my appetite. Thin soup with highly sour taste, bland laksa and fresh-looking veggies. Not gonna give any score because of how bad it was, sorry.

It’s an unfortunate thing that I haven’t been able to experience the real Malaysian laksa (that fits well to my appetite) during my visit to Malaysia.

Some traveling tips which might be useful for beginners (like myself lol)

Budget airlines are not exactly budget-saving if you plan on buying souvenirs, this is the most important thing I realized after I spent extra cost on over-baggage fee on the spot, which was almost twice the regular fee. AirAsia, for example, offers super affordable airfares compared to fellow airlines. However, they don’t come with baggage facility unless you add baggage to cart during the purchase. Not necessarily making the airfare pricier, but baggage cost does make a difference, so pay attention more carefully on it.

Bring yourself an umbrella when you travel around the end of the year. It rained occasionally in December when I visited Malacca, and securing an umbrella in the bag is surely much better than spending extra cost on buying one, isn’t it? Frankly speaking, I was lucky that my host was thoughtful enough to remind me to take her umbrella when I went out.

Always prepare extra small-denomination banknotes if you plan on taking public transports. Just like what I experienced in Penang, it would become an utter hassle if you run out of money just because you spend large bill only to be notified that the bus service doesn’t provide change money.

Anyway, let’s pray that the pandemic shall end soon so that traveling and face-to-face interaction no longer become impossible and let’s not take any relationship for granted. Stay safe people!

Total budget spent: around MYR 1,400k to 1,500k

Go Backpacking: 6D5N in Malaysia It feels surreal to me that we have passed the 2010s already. Time went ahead like an express train without a single stop.

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awkward-whiteboy · 6 years

Note

1-200

200 Questions to Ask Me!

200: My crush’s name is: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 199: I was born in: Michigan198: I am really: Depressed, bored, hungry, lonely197: My cellphone company is: Verizon196: My eye color is: Brown/ugly195: My shoe size is: 11194: My ring size is:8.5193: My height is: 6″3192: I am allergic to: Medicine, tree dust191: My 1st car was: The piece of shitmobile190: My 1st job was: Illegal ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 189: Last book you read: How to Think About Weird Things Critical Thinking for a New Age. (Yes it’s a college textbook, but if you love debating with people on the internet [ though this is pointless] this book is a must read).188: My bed is: a college loft that I fear is going to fall any second. 187: My pet: Pet no, mascot my HARAMBE FLAG! 186: My best friend: @rinkatai @aesthetichalestorm @bookerdewiit 185: My favorite shampoo is: Whatever I have in the shower when I’m showering184: Xbox or ps3: either, but Mario Kart trumps them all183: Piggy banks are: cool if they aren’t the break ones182: In my pockets: wallet, room keys, a “Thanks asshole” note someone graciously wrote me 181: On my calendar: Peoples birthdays, and predictions for stupids shit. (5 for 6 on them being right)180: Marriage is: dumb, combining debt together over a stupid ceremony. Why not just say fuck it and save the money for a sweet house and lots of animals179: Spongebob can: keep coming out. I love that show. If given the time, I could probably quote almost all the episodes178: My mom: is my mom177: The last three songs I bought were? People buy songs? I can name albums: Reaching into infinity, Begining of the End, One More Light176: Last YouTube video watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsx0d3p4SMQ

175: How many cousins do you have? That I talk to, 3,4. total like 22+

174: Do you have any siblings? Youngest of 5

173: Are your parents divorced? No

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes

171: Do you play an instrument? Guitar and Trombone

170: What did you do yesterday? Stayed up til 5 am playing Garrys Mod

[ I Believe In ]

169: Love at first sight: Sort of, doesnt work out though

168: Luck: Luck is an undeclared claim.

167: Fate: Nope

166: Yourself: Never. I always fail

165: Aliens: Hard to say,

164: Heaven: No

163: Hell: I am a living hell

162: God: not a god, but a something

161: Horoscopes: Nope

160: Soul mates: Yes

159: Ghosts: No

158: Gay Marriage: Marriage is Marriage, IMO calling it Gay marriage is trying to make it different than regular marriage.

157: War: Yes

156: Orbs: YEs

155: Magic: No

[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs

153: Drunk or High: Both. ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

152: Phone or Online: Phone

151: Red heads or Black haired: Red Heads, but thats just from my experience

150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes

149: Hot or cold: Mild

148: Summer or winter: Winter

147: Autumn or Spring: Spring

146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla

145: Night or Day: Night

144: Oranges or Apples: Apple

143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly

142: McDonalds or Burger King: BK

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White Chocolate

140: Mac or PC: PC

139: Flip flops or high heals: Flippers

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor

137: Coke or Pepsi: Don’t care, just gots to be diet

136: Hillary or Obama: Norm is my OTP ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

135: Burried or cremated: Cremated, that way I’ll still be around people when im dead because no one would come willing if I was buried

134: Singing or Dancing: My singing is 1 of a kind

133: Coach or Chanel: Chanel because meme

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Kat McPhee, only because I don’t know any of them and Hick is a bad name with my life.

131: Small town or Big city: Both

130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller

128: Manicure or Pedicure: Pedi

127: East Coast or West Coast: Weast Coast ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Birthday, people notice me :)

125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers

124: Disney or Six Flags: Datknee… Disney

123: Yankees or Red Sox: Neither

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War: Pointless, but happens, Realistically, will never end.

121: George Bush: All politics have goods and bads, we’ve had better, but we also had far worse.

120: Gay Marriage: Always said

119: The presidential election: Popular vote and the current way are both fraud by the way America is. A completely new system is needed.

118: Abortion: Not a women so my opinion is not valid or needed. Honestly I hate kids. so Pro

117: MySpace: Last i checked (like a year ago,) its pretty much a Soundcloud.

116: Reality TV: Stupid

115: Parents: Do what they do. Different generation so their ways of parenting are theirs.

114: Back stabbers: Too many in my life… DAMN… MAYBE THIS IS WHY I AM FUCKED UP.

113: Ebay: I spend too much money on it

112: Facebook: Fuck the Zuck

111: Work: Never had a legal job

110: My Neighbors: Can go shove a knife up their asses

109: Gas Prices: Better than the past

108: Designer Clothes: I’m making a separate post about this.. I might be in a bit of trouble with my college over this.

107: College: I don’t fit in anywhere. only friends I have I went to High school with.

106: Sports: Really wish I played football in High school. I know I wouldn’t play at my school, but a smaller one I would.

105: My family: Family is family

104: The future: WIll not be brighter.

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: Too long ago

102: Last time you ate: yesterday (2:00pm 12/13/2017)

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Emotional abuser has a drug dealer that lives in my colleges town. Saw her :/ cried for hours.

100: Cried in front of someone: Summer 2017

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever IT came out. Got in trouble with my colelge cause of roommates

98: Took a vacation: too long ago

97: Swam in a pool: summer 2017

96: Changed a diaper: never

95: Got my nails done: never

94: Went to a wedding: Spring 2017

93: Broke a bone: with a doctor knowing never, but like 6 years ago

92: Got a piercing: None

91: Broke the law: ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

90: Texted: I stubbed my nose on the elevator

[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most: Doc

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Nothing

87: The last movie I saw: Cure For Wellness

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Going home so I wont be alone with my depressing thoughts and questionable music

85: The thing im not looking forward to: going to the meeting

84: People call me: Davie Crocket Davy Divad Garbage, fucker loser, pretty much every name in the book

83: The most difficult thing to do is: pretend to be normal

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Talked the cop out of it with my mindfucking bullshittery

81: My zodiac sign is: Scorpio

80: The first person i talked to today was:

@rinkatai

79: First time you had a crush: 9th Grade

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Rink

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Last week

76: Right now I am talking to: Myself

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Good question ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

74: I have/will get a job: No, I cant do interviews I alwasy fuck them up or never get called back

73: Tomorrow: hopefully do something better

72: Today: Watched 9 hours of netflixs

71: Next Summer: Too far to determain

70: Next Weekend: Too far to determain

69: I have these pets: None

68: The worst sound in the world: College kids screaming because finals when they are just being cliche

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself

66: People that make you happy: Happy? whats that

65: Last time I cried: Today

64: My friends are: Rin Doc

63: My computer is: Fucked up because everything I own always gets fucked up

62: My School: College sucks, High School : IN A LOT OF HOT WATER

61: My Car: is a piece of shit

60: I lose all respect for people who: treat me bad… damn thats like 95% of the people I see

59: The movie I cried at was: The Producer

58: Your hair color is: Ugly Brown

57: TV shows you watch: The OFfice

56: Favorite web site: Higher or Lower Youtube

55: Your dream vacation: Somewhere with the right person

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: The emotion and things I live with everyday.

53: How do you like your steak cooked: However it is cooked

52: My room is: MY STUFF IS CLEAN roommate 1 is not

51: My favorite celebrity is: Too many to name

50: Where would you like to be: A better state of mind

49: Do you want children: NO

48: Ever been in love: Sadly

47: Who’s your best friend: Rin Doc

46: More guy friends or girl friends: Girl Friends

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Dark humor

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: :’(

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: I only plan 5 minutes in advance

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: No, honestly asking 10th grade me, i only planned up till graduation

41: Have you pre-named your children: NO KIDS

40: Last person I got mad at: ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

39: I would like to move to: Sanity land

38: I wish I was a professional: Musician

[ My Favorites ]

37: Candy: Sour Skittles or Mega Sours

36: Vehicle: Piece of Shit Mobile

35: President: Suliman with the Onion hat

34: State visited: Iowa.

33: Cellphone provider: Verizon

32: Athlete: Cardale Jones

31: Actor: Bill Mother Fucking Murry

30: Actress: Emma Watson

29: Singer: Davey Jones, Davey Havok, Chester, and many more

28: Band: Too many, but I will say I’ve personally met one of them

27: Clothing store: cheap ones

26: Grocery store: cheap ones

25: TV show: Office, Simpsons South Park TWD

24: Movie: Cure For Wellness Clockwork Orange, Cant remember the name, but the original hunger games… the japanese one

23: Website: youtube

22: Animal: panda pugs

21: Theme park: cedar point

20: Holiday: leif erikson day

19: Sport to watch: hockey

18: Sport to play: football

17: Magazine: ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

16: Book: Too many

15: Day of the week: Monday. Because I play a game of what sucks more… I win a lot

14: Beach: na

13: Concert attended: Alice Cooper 3x, Deep Purple, Stone Sour, Skillet, Motley Crue 2x, FFDP, Wayland, Valraven, Alterbridge, Iron Maiden, going to see Judas Priest with someone in April

12: Thing to cook: Pasta and muffins

11: Food: ^

10: Restaurant: places with spicy chicken nuggets rice pudding and chicken noodle soup

9: Radio station: 101 WRIF Q106

8: Yankee candle scent: N/A

7: Perfume: N/A

6: Flower: Idk Roses or Marigolds

5: Color: Black orange green

4: Talk show host: ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

3: Comedian: A lot

2: Dog breed: PUG

1: did you answer all these truthfully? Like 4 are not :/

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cosmosogler · 7 years

Text

i waited to get up until 7:30 after going to bed around 11, but i was still awake for a large portion of the night. i know because snoopy would meow and i meowed back like five separate times. it’s funny because if i reply she meows again, but if i don’t she goes quiet.

i spent too much time dicking around on the internet so i skipped my workout and just went straight to the vet’s office. it was kind of raining so instead of waiting for the bus to come to my side of the road i caught it going the other way and waited at the bus station in the bus to start the route. on the way there the bus hit a bump and the woman across from me dropped her baby car seat trying to save her purse and i near dove out of my chair trying to catch it.

i think she wanted to start up a conversation after that but i REALLY didn’t want to talk so i just smiled at her and looked away. i drummed my outside three fingers against the side of my seat. my right index finger was still bandaged from yesterday and i didn’t have a lot of mobility with it.

i’ve been smiling at people a lot while out in public. i guess apologetically. like, sorry for being on the sidewalk here. sorry you caught me looking at you briefly. but i’m so afraid of ignoring someone i walk by. like, it would be rude to not acknowledge them, right? it ends up getting me into a lot of conversations i don’t really want to have though.

it was worse in flagstaff. getting stopped by random men. i think i wrote about it here a few times when it happened. like the 50/60-something man who indirectly asked me out and i pretended it was a joke. here it was the gay couple. the first guy was louder and said i was the first person who had acknowledged his existence all day. the second guy was quieter and i felt REALLY bad asking him to speak up every other sentence. like in a weird indirect way i was, like, forcing him to be more public about his boyfriend or his homelessness.

but i’ve been having a lot of trouble understanding people lately. i guess because there are so many new voices and i don’t have any familiar people who i already know how they talk. i can’t pick these new people out from a crowd or a busy street.

i have to ask mom to repeat herself all the time too because i don’t catch the first or last half of her sentence sometimes. she kind of sighs and repeats herself. i feel stupid like i can’t focus long enough to hear a single sentence.

after i picked up snoopy’s medicine i ran all the way to another bus route’s stop so i wouldn’t have to wait for over an hour again. i caught the bus right as it was driving up, but when i looked up i noticed i was standing by the interstate sign and not a bus stop. the bus stopped for me anyway though and i wanted to thank the driver for a million years. he looked kinda bored though.

so when i got home 10 minutes after leaving the vet’s office i cleaned my apartment and started my laundry and washed some dishes and put together my schedule for the month on my calendar. snoopy is one of very few cats who doesn’t like the flavor of the medicine so i had to hold her down. she was pretty mad at me for like an hour. i left some (new from uncle mike!) cookies on the ottoman for her and she ate them while i wasn’t looking. i put off lunch for a long time. when i finally did eat i only made it through half the serving. i could tell, when i sat and thought about it, that i was still really hungry. but my body just said “nope, no more” and i lost all interest even though i knew i was going to be hungry and weak later.

after that snoopy was sick on one of the rugs so i put that in the wash? i think? i forget when that happened. either way around 2:30 or so i went out to the grocery store. i only spent like 33 dollars for the week’s worth of food this time. i had left my list a little open-ended, so i spent a while looking at different things and ended up picking none of them. it’s hard to get myself to buy food for the future when i look at everything and my body says “meh.......”

when i got back i finished up the taz episode i had started last night and bummed around online instead of making dinner at the time i normally eat. i didn’t start cooking anything until around 7 when i usually have my food ready around 6:10. i didn’t make a ton of food so i didn’t have as much trouble forcing it all down as i did at lunch. i had a little ice cream afterward too while snoopy sat next to me.

i dunno... i started feeling worse as the evening went on. tomorrow’s my birthday. the physics grads all want to go to the museum of natural history since i suggested it when i saw the flyer on my fridge.

i was folding some laundry last-minute when it really hit me that i have a lot of emotional problems. it was like getting dunked in cold water. i had a similar problem back when my courses got changed on wednesday... these people don’t know anything about me. it’s impossible to choose a “first time” for them to see me at my “worst.” maybe jennica saw me pass out during the prelim exams and it doesn’t even matter. i don’t know that for sure though.

i’ve been grinding my teeth a lot. it hurts a lot. the dentist never called me back though and i haven’t had time/energy to try again. i’ll have to do that on tuesday and see what i can do.

just, thinking about craig i guess. and game theory and different categories of players. these are related because game theory applies to social interaction by way of, like, tolerance of miscommunication. i was gonna say he changed the way i play the social game but actually thinking about it further, he didn’t change it at all.

for all the emotional impact it feels like he left on my life sometimes, when i think about it in the context of the rest of my life it isn’t a particularly special occurrence. he insulted me and betrayed me and belittled me in all the same ways everyone else has since early grade school. since, like, kindergarten. even the assault in particular is like, that’s not what gave me trust issues with physical contact around other people. mom hitting me all the time when i was 4 did that more than anything else.

so why, when i think about why i feel so bad all the time, does that icky feeling of getting sat on (more than sat on) while trying to nap come up first, floating to the top like gross fat? even before everything else that came before it? why were the words craig used practically the exact same as the words everyone else before him used but it’s his face saying them when i think about it?

maybe it’s easier to hate one person than it is to hate everyone. i don’t know.

unwanted contact overload happened before him too! in high school people would sit on my lap while i was in the common room talking to my friends. people would grab my shoulders from behind and start digging their thumbs into my shoulder blades as some weird sign of affection. that happened at nau after i left villanova too! that must have been like the only time i ever snapped at heather.

man... i know my journal entries here are really long. if you’re reading all the way through them... thanks, i guess. i know i’m Just Too Much. too much, all the time, never ending, just a flood of sewage emotions leaking everywhere. i don’t have anywhere else to process all this stuff. i don’t have a therapist right now. haven’t seen a psychiatrist in over nine months. group doesn’t start for another 4-5 weeks. though when group starts i’ll probably be complaining about that long-windedly here too.

i’m always too much. i don’t know how to make myself any smaller. i don’t think i can tuck even a single fold more of my Too Muchness into myself without something else spilling out.

i’ve been having a thought, the last few weeks, as i’ve started grad school. that thought is “i am setting myself up to fail, because i am not allowed to have nice things, because i am bad and i hate myself.”

... i mean, it’s certainly a thought i am having. but just because it’s occurred to me that it might be the case, doesn’t mean it is the case, you know? and it doesn’t have to always be the case. but one thing i am doing about the thought is nothing. i feel like... i need permission to stop thinking that way. i need someone who is not me to look at the thought and say “hmm, yeah, that sucks, but here is that magical confidence that you have been missing for years so now you don’t have to think that way any more. i have been keeping spare confidence in my desk here, you see, and since you just so happened to come along i can give it to you like a big shiny diploma.” even though my last big shiny diploma, my, my physics degree, did nothing except make me feel bad.

i feel like... i don’t want to do anything else with my life. if i’m not going to do something that i personally think is important then what’s the point. i’m just taking up space and not contributing to the conversation. even though at this point i’m pretty sure i don’t have anything to contribute anyway and that makes me want to die because now i’m just a drain on everyone’s energy. i’m something that people have to Deal With. like an attention leech.

how can i ever be happy if i am not doing something that matters to me? what if i could do the Most Important thing in line with my values?

well, if i could do that, why bother with the second most important thing? it’s not as important as the most important thing. i don’t have a lot of time to live and when you don’t have enough time to do everything you gotta prioritize, right?

but if i can’t do the Most Important thing... what’s even the point? i’m just gonna sit there on the sidelines and look at that important thing and know that it can’t be important to me. because i can’t work toward completing the thing, so i will have to put something else in front of it. but what in life could ever be more beautiful than the stars? what’s more elegant than the act of looking at stuff and figuring out how it works from the information you have? what’s more fun than making up rules and seeing if reality agrees with you?

and... if someday i find that i can’t do this, and i have to find something else that’s beautiful and fun, then i’ll have to live knowing that there was something more interesting that i couldn’t do.

i know not everyone has that attitude. and not everyone can have that attitude. and i’m starting to think i might also be in that situation. but i can’t tell if it’s because i’m actually in that situation or because i’ve got something in the way that i need to get out of the way before i can continue.

maybe it’s selfish of me to think this way, or it means i’m spoiled. but like... if i’m only going to be alive once, and for a limited time, then if i can’t do what i think is the most important then what’s the point?

i don’t know if i’m someone worth getting to know. i’m so stupid that i want to do physics but i can’t find a way to actually do it. if i can’t be creative and resourceful people will think i am boring and then i will be alone.

maybe i am making myself boring because i want to be alone. or, i think people will realize i am secretly boring and then leave anyway so maybe i am saving them time by letting them know upfront. if you make everyone hate you, you don’t have to worry about anyone ever loving you! and you don’t have to worry about betraying that love.

if you die from an injury, you don’t have to worry about what will happen if you survive your injury and have to live with that for the rest of your life.

#tw assault

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