#no one cares i know but here we are

[neverendingsourceofmystery]

Sailing Close to the Wind|| One: Chasing Rainbows and Spinning Dreams

*takes a deep breath* *opens laptop* *blows ever so softly*

*coughs*

Hello everyone, I bet you didn't think I would ever come back to write more Downton stuff. Maybe an update from me isn't in your 2024 bingo card. Not gonna lie, I'm just as surprised as you are. I've been gone for far longer than I ever was here, but I guess, prodigal children always find their way home.

YES. This is an update. I know.

In light of the new movie announcement, I made a trip down memory lane, and was inspired by one of my old fics. Not that my writing from five years ago was ever inspiring, really. Anyway, it was supposed to be a one shot, and so I felt like I was in under no obligation to add more, but add more, I shall do.

*steadfastly ignores the 300 other cobert fanfics I am supposed to update*

To my surprise as well as yours, this one had an interesting and very polite demand for more, and honestly, if I wasn't so neck deep in law school, I would have given this a go earlier. Of course, I chose the most inopportune time -- when I'm in over my head, drowning, in bar review and prep -- to finish this piece. But whatever. It was therapeutic. I do suggest you read the prologue first, again -- here or here-- because I doubt any of you still remember this. This one's a long one that I just had to get out of my system, because studying about my country's system is the equivalent of pouring bleach all over my brain.

I would like to say as early as now however, that as I have already mentioned earlier, I am in the middle of bar prep, so the updates are probably going to be few and far in between, if at all, towards the middle of this year. Not that it's anything new where I'm concerned. But I shall endeavor to finish before the end of year or the end of the world, at least, whichever comes first.

.::.

One

Chasing rainbows and Spinning Dreams

"Can it possibly beThe future for me is you…Wait until I can tell you all my schemesChasing rainbows spinning dreamsTell me please your name”  - Tell me your name, Jose Mari Chan

The silence in the room was so loud that one could hear a pin drop – as the old adage went, anyway, – and for one brief second, Cora found herself questioning if her boss was all right in the head. Maybe she had lost her mind after all the stress and was now clinically insane. 

That, after all, was the only logical explanation to her even remotely suggesting this.

Cora looked away from her boss, wondering what she should do or say next, when her gaze met the eyes of the man on the other side of the room. Robert, that’s what Rosamund said, but Cora already knew that. There was nary a soul in this entire company who didn’t. He rarely made any appearance, but he’s never missed one company party and his name was always on everybody’s lips. 

Cora could still – though she would never say it out loud or admit it – remember the first time she had seen the esteemed Mr. Robert Crawley. It had been during her first company Christmas party. She was new, a new hire fresh from her internship, and she’d been so young and so infatuated by the piercing blue eyes that barely looked her way even once in the party. He’d been caught up, talking to the big wigs, to his sister, and their other colleagues and didn’t have time for the little Miss Americana that was Cora. Not that Cora had minded very much, she was content with sipping her wine and admiring Mr. Crawley from afar. 

He was handsome and his laugh was loud and boisterous, although hardly offensive. He spoke to Mr. Carson and his wife, Mrs. Elsie Hughes-Carson, who both worked with them at the company, like they were old friends – with respect and authority, but with clear affection. Cora could have only hoped, at that time, to be treated the same.

Now, here she was, sitting in the office of her boss, having been just told that she should marry the CEO of the company she’s working for so she can stay in London. She felt like she needed more ruminating about the “brilliant idea” of the boss in question, but she figured there wasn’t really even enough time to ruminate that. It was insane. That, in her mind, should count as a red flag right? That her boss was insane?

“Well?” Rosamund started to speak, though she looked just a little bit nervous, or anxious, or maybe it was self-realization – Cora could only hope for the last. “It’s such an unmusical way of putting things, brother.” She cleared her throat and nodded anyway. Clearly, any hopes of sanity were dashed at this point. “I was suggesting a convenient marriage with a deadline…if you’re amenable, of course.”

More here or here.

#guess who's back #yup me #no one cares i know but here we are #just writing robert and cora in five hundred different scenarios i guess #just another modern marriage of convenience #it's been ages i know #cobert #cora crawley #robert crawley #cora and robert crawley #downton abbey modern au #trutwritescobert #cobert fanfiction

[novelconcepts]

The defintion of hell is knowing a show is incredibly well-received in its first season, but if people don’t become machines churning out tweets, content, and rewatching 24/7, there’s no likelihood it’ll get a chance to tell its whole story. This shit is madness. Shows in different genres shouldn’t have to pit-battle for dominance. First seasons are MEANT to be baselines establishing worlds and characters, not complete storylines. The idea that this golden age of television has turned into “get it done in one or get out” is revolting.

#the sandman #paper girls #some of the hot takes on Twitter are breaking me #‘why don’t we know the whole story? it’s bad writing if you don’t have a complete story in the first season’ girl WHAT since WHEN #how many excellent shows were weak as fuck in S1?? and here we’re getting shows with incredible first seasons fighting for their lives #like fuckin Christ dude the idea of long form storytelling is allowing your story time and space to spread out #otherwise we would only make movies #i am so sick of this edge of my seat fear that any new show I fall in love with will get axed because the higher powers don’t care about art #this has to be a bubble right? this has to pop at some point and go back to shows valued on what they are #and don’t even get me started on creators having to beg for good reviews to balance out review-bombing from shitheads #if every one star review is clearly bigoted from the comments? why is anyone taking them into account?? #why is there no way to manage this shit aside from creators being like ‘please help us”’

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Assisting Acquaintance Acquired.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wen ning #wei wuxian #Ignore how Wen Ning's hair looks here because I messed it up. Let's pretend he just sported a different hair style for a brief moment. #I am not exactly great at consistency but I am trying very hard to work on that (immediately messes up again). #Absolutely *love* how Wen Ning clearly remembers and admires WWX...who does *not* recognize him. #This is the best day for Wen Ning and it means *nothing* to WWX. A painful one-sided crush made worse. #It is bittersweet to realize that we care about someone more than they care about us. Sometime we pour love into a relationship- #-with someone who just can't reciprocate. It isn't always a conscious things either. Some people just aren't aware we care. #And painfully - so painfully - You can't make them aware. No act of kindness or gift or self sacrifice will make someone care about you. #You can martyr yourself for someone and they will continue on unchanged. #I think a lot about the parallels between WN and LWJ. Not foils - just reflections. A theme repeated. #People who give so much of themselves to someone who doesn't have the capacity to give any part of themself away. #I will die on the hill of 'Wen Ning would be the love triangle romance if that trope wasn't being avoided'. #And to be honest - thank the stars above that is the case. I do not know any good love triangles in media. #We are skipping some of the sad Jiang Cheng content because I really want to finish season 2 before May. #Sorry JC emo moment lovers...I'll deliver another time.

[tsuchinokoroyale]

Happy new years… let’s stay hydrated together ✨

#I didn’t end up going to the rave just stayed in with my buddies and had KFC (( Korean fried chicken )) and laughed til we cried so #it was still a wonderful start to the new year 💞🥰💞 #but the fwb wanted pics of my potential rave look so I figured eh I brought the stuff anyways #and now I’m imagining locking eyes with a stranger on the warm and writhing dance floor #the beat thumps and shakes and rattles the air in our breath as the spotlights dance in the reflections of our held gaze #he pushes his way through the crowd with a singular stare and a wicked smile on his face #I smile and turn my back on him arching myself so he knows I am giving what he’s looking for #I take careful steps through the revelry toward the edge where the crowd thins out #I prop myself up on an available stool in a lonely corner of the club as he closes the distance between us #“now I wonder why you dragged me all the way here” he utters in a playful growl “trying to get far away from the crowd?” #I smile and I nod. “obviously. can’t really do what I want with you out there” #his eyes perk up and his smile gives away the desire building inside him. “yeah? why don’t you show me then.” #“I thought you’d never ask” I smirk. I reach down into my pants and pull out my phone #“so this one is blue. he’s the oldest but he’s sooooo sweet. and that’s Eva. my only girl she’s sassy but she loves swea-” he leaves #whaddahell I say demurely whimpering even… whaddahell… #gpoy

[hella1975]

noah kahan really said growing up in a small, bitter hometown is about the rage and the hatred that's been sung about many times before but it's also about love and devotion and the 'all three of us were drowning and we didn't know how to save each other but there was an understanding that we were all drowning together' of it all and knowing people so intimately yet not being able to help anyone and he's morally grey at best in a lot of his songs and objectively the bad guy in others and that's just how it is and it's about substance abuse and normalised crime and teen suicide and country roads and failed exams and leaving and being left and love and hate and love and hate and love and

#anyway. listening to orange juice again. like it's my fault #girls when growing sideways and view between villages and northern attitude and homesick and stick season come on #like new england must actually be called that for a reason bc you cant convince me this guy isnt actually secretly singing about england #like even when he sings about the WEATHER im like !!! this guy gets it fr!!! #IM TIRED OF DIRT ROADS NAMED AFTER HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND'S GRANDFATHERS AND MOTHERFUCKERS HERE DONT KNOW #THEY CAUGHT THE BOSTON BOMBERS TIME MOVES SO DAMN SLOW I SWEAR I FEEL MY ORGANS FAILING I STOPPED CARING ABOUT A MONTH AGO #SINCE IT'S BEEN SMOOTH SAILING I WOULD LEAVE IF ONLY I COULD FIND A REASON IM MEAN BECAUSE I GREW UP IN NEW ENGLAND!!! #or the entirety of growing sideways. divvied up my anger into 30 seperate parts keep the bad shit in my liver and the rest around my heart #r u even listening. what the hell #HONEY COME OVEERRRRRR THE PARTY'S GONE SLOWERRR AND NO ONE WILL TEMPT YOU WE KNOW YOUVE GONE SOBER <- sobbing #noah kahan #stick season

[turtleblogatlast]

Man “Battle Nexus: New York” was a great episode but I do have one major gripe with it.

Like. Raph being paired up with Ghostbear? Makes sense. Works great. Works amazing, even.

Mikey being paired up with Meatsweats? Yeah that checks out!!

Donnie getting…Hypno…? I mean. I guess Donnie doesn’t like magic so it kindaaa works but Kendra would have been a much better choice to me personally. Maybe Big Mama didn’t wanna include a human or something…

And Leo getting…uh…one of the Sando Brothers???? Of all villains? Nah let’s be real, his main villain is more Big Mama herself (or Leo could be considered his own worst enemy lmao-). Hell Hypno would have probably worked better here considering their shared love for magic tricks and stuff, but Carl Sando????

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #battle nexus: new york #nah this will always be baffling to me #like no joke big mama really is Leo’s main villain so it makes sense that she’s not paired with him #given that she’s running this all #but giving him ONE of the Sando brothers?? not even both??? #outrageous #hypno or even warren would have been better here tbh #at least there’s some basis there for both and either option would have been so fun #not that what we got WASNT fun it def was but the sando bro was the weak link because no one cares about him #and I would have killed for a Donnie Kendra forced team up 😭 #Donnie also could have worked with Stockboy ig or hell even Repo tbh? #but Kendra is the much more interesting and fitting choice here for him imo #honestly though this post was made because I do NOT understand the choice of CARL SANDO #both of them together are forgettable enough #separating them gets rid of the one thing they even had #I remember watching and being like who tf is that #he’s got some funny moments but man anyone would have been better 😭 #going back to Kendra and Donnie because I LOVE their dynamic #the result of their team up could have ended exactly the same as canon #only instead of Kendra not knowing chess it’s instead her and Donnie arguing about what the right move would be #and they never actually make a move because of it

[wastefulreverie]

girl wake up im writing a no one knows au sequel

“Danny, one of these days you have to tell us what’s up,” Sam said. “You can’t stretch yourself thin like this forever. Whatever your secret life has you doing.” “I don’t have a secret life.” Which is exactly what someone who had a secret life would say, but Danny obviously evaded this with the loophole that was being dead. His secret half-life was also none of their business.

#this is very early stages dont expect me to post for a while #if you're new here the link is to the first no one knows au fic i wrote and the bit ABOVE is now from the sequel #Danny Phantom #anyway following the spirit of the original 'excuse this monster' fic this will ALSO be an AU rewrite of a DP episode. but !! #instead of my favorite episode (my brothers keeper <3<3) it will be one of my least favs #which is also like one of the most popular episodes but like we hate it here because of it's wasted potential #i know i know it's pretty funny to talk about wasted potential in the DP fandom since that extends to so much of the show BUT CONSIDER #i don't care

[bakudekublogblog]

talking to normal people about mha is always so enlightening because someone told me they didn't like season six and i was like???? THE BIBLE??????? YOU DONT LIKE THE BIBLE??? BAKUGOU KATSUKI RISING?? THE APOLOGY??? THE CHASING AFTER HIM TO FIGHT SHIGARAKI, THE REVEAL KATSUKI HAS BEEN WORRIED ABOUT IZUKU, IZUKU'S FERAL RAGE WHEN KATSUKI IS STABBED, KATSUKI BEING THE ONE TO FIND IZUKU AND THEN THE ONE TO BRING HIM HOME??? YOU DONT ENJOY THE SACRED TEXTS?? and then i'm like oh right not everyone is a fujoshi high on that sweet, sweet bkdk yaoi

#bkdk #bakudeku #it took all of my willpower not to be like my brother in christ i'm a fujo i'm gonna like anything that bkdk appears in #i'm not here for the powerscaling or the pacing or if they should be third years #i tried to say it like “oh lol i know everything that's gonna happen hhaha i am one of the crazies who stays up for leaks” #but i wanted to be like listen man i'm really only here for the homoeroticism idc about whatever it is youre talking about #not that i dont love mha as a whole i think it's got such a fun sandbox world and cast #it just feels like someone being like omg tell me if that new restaurant is good #and i'm like what the fuck i'm in the kitchen doing cocaine with the cooks #i was a waitress i'm allowed to say this #like we are not consuming the same thing #i'm in the goddamn trenches my emotional state depends on how homoerotic mha is gonna be #i'm in the deep underbelly of bkdk hands and soulmates and yearning i dont even know what you're talking about #i like mha an annoying amount #i wanted to be like remember when i came into work skipping and singing that was because we got bkdk sunset/ptsd scene #i'm a little freak goblin dont ask me if it's good i dont care that it's good I CARE THAT ITS MINE but also fuck you its good #it's the best fuck off if you dont like it you arent worthy of it #hori this is why you should give in and make bkdk canon the fujos are the ones who really love you

[benevolenterrancy]

Jin Guangyao Is In Desperate Need Of Human Contact And Is Constantly Trying To Find Ways To Make Himself Feel Safe: Therefore He Would Definitely Be A Little Spoon, In This Essay I Will

#it is the ideal situation #mdzs #nieyao #jin guangyao #nie mingjue #jgy #nmj #meng yao #i joked about it early but this is one pointless headcanon that i am committed to #he gets to be tucked away and have an entire human body (strong powerful cultivator body) between him and any potential danger #don't care which ship just committed to the sleeping arrangements #my art #i don't know why i keep trying to shade night scenes i hate night scenes my colours and shadows never work out in night scenes... #but here we are

[buckttommy]

christopher sneaking into chimney's room in fight or flight. he's so full of love, that's why his whole attitude in s7 re: dating is so callous and incongruent to who he is. like, this is the kid whose known chimney for all of half a year and decided he wanted sneak away from the adults/his dad to sit at his bedside and keep him company even though he was asleep/unconscious and you're telling ME he doesn't regard his girl friends feelings with the UTMOST care?????? get outta here with that. he really is a mini buck. feeling everything so deeply with absolutely no idea what to do with it all so he just smushes it down and creates different problems that don't need to exist. bless him.

#there's also something to be said about the whole nature vs. nurture of it all and the age old scientific question of #are we born or are we made #and there's something so. world defining. over the fact that christopher has spent so much time with buck he's subconsciously #picked up his worst coping habits. and it truly is a subconscious thing because it's not like buck/eddie are talking to their kid about how #buck used to be a ho (affectionate) so that introduces this other idea of christopher's subconscious processing #both of like. buck's relationships and why those relationships ended #blahblahblah anyway no one fucking cares jack i KNOW trust me i know i'm just talking to myself here but hm! interesting! #tv: 911 #jack.txt #christopher diaz

[ask-the-totally-real-peppino]

Happy Holidays to Pep and the gang!

Pep: "..."

Pep: "Mrrp!"

Pep: "Niaga uoy ees ot deticxe ma I!!! Syadiloh yppah!!! Sdneirf olleh!!!"

Pep: "Kool emoc! Enoyreve rof staert gnikam yad lla ysub neeb ev'ew!"

Pep: "Olleh yas sdneirf ruo! Kcirb ,kool kool!"

Brick: *happy greeting squeak!*

Pep: "Enoyreve rof eikooc a edam ew! Kool!"

Pep: "Sdneirf, uoy rof tsuj eno laiceps a s'ereht dna!"

(Happy holidays to you too! Everyone can't be here right now, but I hope you guys enjoy a little bonus post for now, hehe)

#pizza tower #fake peppino #brick the rat #peppino and gus are here but I am not gonna tag them #also not gonna tag all the cookie characters #translation: “Hello friends!!! Happy holidays!!! I am excited to see you again!!!” #“We've been busy all day making treats for everyone! Come look!” #“Look look Brick! Our friends say hello!” #“Look! We made a cookie for everyone!” #“And there's a special one just for you friends!” #bonus story post #that'll be the tag for now #probably worth mentioning that this is a few months after where the current story is #hence cookies of Vigi and Pepperman #also probably too detailed for real cookies but I do not care #Pep is so talented he can do anything like detailed cookie art #and Brick too she helped #ALSO ALSO YOU CAN'T SEE IT #but Brick's sweater says 'Merry Cheesemas' and I need you to know this #okay enjoy the post I spent too long on making those cookies it's time for bed

[spielzeugkaiser]

hi, first off i really love your art. the h/c and warmth really hit me where i live and your illustration style is fantastic. lately i've been obsessed with the post where an unwell milek thinks geralt will leave him behind. was that an ingrained insecurity, assuming his super-witcher dad wouldn't have time for a sickly human kid?

[MASTERPOST] - Ahh, thank you for the ask! Yes, this scene.. I actually saw this a bit differently! It's not about Milek fearing Geralt will leave him behind, he actually wants him to. They need to find his Pa!! I think he often feels like a burden; Jaskier knows this, but Geralt isn't aware of this yet. Milek just wants to pull his weight, especially with Jaskier. A little sneak peak to their struggles regarding this:

Meanwhile Jaskier continues to struggle with his omega status.

#jaskier #the witcher #geraskier lovechild #julian alfred pankratz #omegaverse #there are various things happening here! a. Milek never really had to fear that Jaskier would leave him he knows he never ever would #b. Jaskier said again and again that he'll always care for him and loves him and that he doesn't have to pull any weight at all #c. Jaskier actually became the parent that just wants his kid to be educated and study and learn #(maybe because he knows Milek won't be able to do hard labour but also because he knows what Milek really wants to do) #(filed under: things I haven't drawn yet but they had their big fallout because of oxenfurt and university - things to come in the future) #d. Milek has watched Jaskier working his ass off in various jobs that he didn't like #(and he thinks that prostitution is the worst but only because they didn't properly talk about it before) #e. Jaskier is struggling with how he is percieved - which I think was never that much on his mind when he was travelling with Geralt #being a carefree bard and giving everyone the middlefinger who had some wrong ideas about what he could do and what not #but this is definitely an AU in which he doesn't have a good relationship with his father and he can still hear him say he'll become #'an unbonded omega with a bastard child working on the streets' and I think sometimes it gets to him #(because Jaskier is king of hating his parents ever being right about him) #that Jaskier kind of wants to spare Milek and quietly hopes we won't become an omega - even if he feels bad about it - shall become plot #(one dayyyy) #anyway that was a very long rant about Mileks complex relationship with him feeling like a burden

[stergeon]

"I was laughing but at the same time I really wanted to give El a hug, I felt so bad for her"

Edelgard: Thank you for your concern but I am quite alright now.

Um, what's going on with this?

Byleth: Hey, I'm not complaining. Ever since we got together my squat game has been insane. My ass has never looked so good.

#fe3h #fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #edelgard von hresvelg #byleth eisner #edeleth #byleth x edelgard #edelgard #sterge.pptx #another one from reddit #i love drawin goofy shit #speaking directly to the camera like she's on the office #feel like i'm forgetting something here. hmm. worried about it. #it's not edelgard's hair slash crown. that's MIA on purpose. #[stares at my text post from january 23rd] i already broke my promise to myself by drawing edelgard's crown again yesterday #i did not elect to do it again today. we are serving Emperor Casual #oh well. #byleth needs to learn to stop wearing heels #idk how people with a large height difference do it #i’ve been informed that f!byleth is in fact closer to 5’4 or 5’5 #i don’t know how i got it in my head that she’s 5’7 #but i’ve decided i don’t care anyway. we’re going by Rule of Funny

[outatmako]

anyways here’s my incomplete list of reasons why trans boy Lewis just makes sense to me:

when he swims he wears a full rash guard, and he never goes shirtless, despite the fact we see other boys on the show shirtless

the one time we see him shirtless, in 2x01 (so not exactly his choice) he has his arms crossed over his chest the entire time -

he is pretty blasé when Rikki and Emma claim to be naked, almost like he’s used to sharing locker rooms and such with girls/women and is thus not bothered

similarly, is often wanting to sleepover with the girls on the full moon to protect them, but again is doesn't seem bothered about the implications of a co-ed sleepover, almost like he’s used to sleeping over with girls

he has an inherent understanding of the importance of keeping the girls’ secret, unlike Zane who needs the consequences shoved in his face. Lewis gets it immediately. almost like has his own secret, his own difference.

everything about the way he dresses has mega transmasc energy. it just does. the short sleeve button up, baggy cargo shorts combo? Faded graphic tee + frayed jeans + off brand vans? some stupid fucking hat?

that one scene where Cleo’s dad is like “the male of the species is predatory” and Lewis just gives him a blank stare and asks if he wants a biscuit. that hypermasculinity bullshit flew right past him.

this one requires us to accept Rikki is bi/queer, but that doesn't strike me as controversial. same taste in music as Rikki, meaning he probably listens to alternative rock and punk music (knowing Rikki). Very queer genres.

I'm transmasc and I said so

#H2O: Just Add Water #H2O Just Add water #Lewis McCartney #trans Lewis #he simply has tboy swag I don't make the rules #also while i'm here: h2o as a trans allegory #the girls have something different about their body #that affects their access to medical care #and their intimate relationships #plus we all know mermaids are a trans symbol #so I'm rubbing my trans hands all over this show and no one can stop me!!!!!!!!

[gasstationpopcorn]

youtube

#joker out #kris guštin #kris gustin #jo:g #mine #what cracks me up is that lil tv program really said we only care about royal couple over here #so let us take a cool shot of miha's kid doing his thing being a princess and then let us #include a weirdly angled shot of bojan on stage taking money from some guy #they truly said babes we know u r going to esc but be so fucking for real rn u only have one (1) nepobaby on your side and #some unwashed dude in a burlap (sack) shirt she picked up on the street #and three men who don't talk much one of them is new so we are not even including him in the frame #i live love laugh

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a. #birdsong. #wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac- #in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really. #i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track. #and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy? #it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that. #how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love. #i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together. #i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too. #the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe. #so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc. #i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.