#one time someone ranted with me for a while in a server im in and I loved every second

[butchcinna]

Cinna!!! Not sure if you remember me at all but I was also part of the cookie run fandom and now I have also migrated to splatoon and become obsessed with Pearlina! And omg I just want to thank you so much for your amazing fic, its exactly what I wanted, I needed someone to explore the language barrier they would have at the start so badly but like most fics just gloss over it, not to mention your fic is so well written I love it so so much I'd say its my favourite Pearlina fic so far I can't wait to see what you do with it!!!

Hello there! :'D Glad to see a fellow cookie run fan, welcome to the cool not murdery squid game (?)

And Im so glad you like Tide! I've never done a fic of that magnitude before so I was a bit nervous to put all the emphasis on language barriers as well of Pearl and Marina earlier relationship ; v;... It's been well received so far and i am so happy when people reach out to me <33

Might be the bilingual nerd in me, but I feel like not enough fics work through this in general. Valid honestly, it is a tricky subject... And I have a lifetime of learning English by reading fics with google translate and dictionary in hand, working thought songs lyrics and watching movies with subtitles so I could learn to read, listen, speak and write in an idiom no one around me got.

I will do my best to continue delivering! Tide 4 is on rough draft stage right now but I feel like is a good one, if a bit different of what we got so far. I hope you still enjoy it ` v´

Thank you for your sweet comment <3

#Made in Cinna #You are the second person today that recognize me from the cookie run era haha #I am legit emotional of how many people have talked to me about tide like #one time someone ranted with me for a while in a server im in and I loved every second #and aswered all questions I could w/o spoiling future shit #I do my best not to spoil tide to anyone but god I want to talk about tides future ark soon #but I gotta write it first #sad Cinna noises

[stupidsketchpad]

hey guys. im here to rant about how 2econd 2ight 2eer (second sight seer) by will wood is secret life bigb's song because god its eerie how similar the song lyrics are to his character. AHEM (also spoilers for secret life)

My grip on my secrets slipping while I'm speaking in tongues

ok. this is a really good start lol. basically bigb's task don't mean much when he does weird shit anyway for fun and, quote from grian, "writes his own tasks"

Screaming at the top of my lungs in the confession booth

he's saying stuff that litterally makes no sense. even after his task is done he wont tell anyone (confession booth is kinda like people asking about your task after it's done. your confessing your task to someone)

Take it with a pillar of salt, H.A.L.T., it's not my fault

i got nothing man

The devil made me do it, but I also kinda wanted to

THIS LINE AHSHDHSHAH. THE SECRET KEEPER GIVES HIM THE TASKS CAUSE HE HAS TO BUT HE WANTS TO DO THEM ANYWAY ANDDDD MAKE THEM AS CONFUSING AS POSSIBLE. SECRET KEEPER COUNTS AS THE DEVIL HERE

I'm cut from a different kind of meat

More than you can chew, hard to swallow me

"what the hell are you doing??" is a common question he gets asked. hard to swallow. y'know

Forget bored stiff, I got rigor mortis, call it morbid curiosity

How I cannot commit to reality, when my third eye's open and I like what I see

he's doing shit for the sake of doing shit.

Baby, I may be crazy but I didn't lose it, no I set it free

AAAAA THIS LINE TOOO!!! ok so he didn't just randomly start lying in secret life. it was weird before that too! i cant speak for double but LIMITED LIFE he was also confusing people about being the boogeyman. basically that one meme with the "guy weird about everything but its drowned out by how weird about everything the other people are"

I can't ignore what's under dance floorboards, the rhythm of my heart a dead-as-disco beat

But I still move my feet

To slip out of this groove, I'm free

dont got much here but i think this is just him having fun, yknow

Now to row, row, row my boat over the falls

And maybe wake up from but a dream, yeah

"but a dream" is the games. there are three rows in the line. lose your lives to get the game over with.

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I didn't lose it babe

There wasn't much to find

once again, this wasnt the first time he was being weird!!!

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I'm only passing through

say weird shit, refuse to elaborate, leave.

Oh, oh, o-o-oh

If you knew what I knew, if you saw what I see

You'd look through illusions, hallucinations, and lucid dream

And I know that meaning can be such a pretty thing to keep

But I got facts and I'm not afraid to use 'em, take the good with the bad, take off the back you make a new front

evo, anyone? anyway this man knows about watchers and doesnt care. he knows! he just doesn't give that any meaning.

Some days I'm glad that I am a madman and I'd rather be that than

An amicable animal, mild-mannered cannibal

red lives and how bigb doesn't have the same bloodlust as they do. this guy doesn't kill much, he's like the most passive on the server. /srs

But I'm more level-headed and clever than ever and I'm getting better one forever at a time

how many people guessed any of bigb's tasks? that's right, zero! (if i remember correctly.) he's getting better at the games (btw the games being referred to as "forevers" is just ahshahdghs)

And if sick is defined by what's different, well then pull the plug out and let me die

not much here

Vice-versa, vice versus virtue

Well who I am I choose through all the things I do

AAAAAAAA HE CHOOSES HOW HE IS PERCEIVED BY THE OTHERS BY SAYING HIS STUFF YA GET WHAT IM SAYING

And if it rhymes, it's true, but I hate poetry

contradicting himself. easy peasy analysis here folks.

Now with my moral compass pointing south, I'm going down

With no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no respect for reality

could say this is going red! but also. "going down?" LIKE A HOLE? HE MADE A HOLE?????

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I didn't lose it babe

There wasn't much to find

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I'm only passing through

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I didn't lose it babe

There wasn't much to find

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

same stuff

A tourist passing through

Well that was fun, goodbye

he died. but hey, he had fun!

anyways thats all thank you for listening to me ramble about songs and minecraft i WILL do this again. sorry if this is incoherent i wrote it at 10:00 pm.

psst... moot... @bigb-enthusiast... would you like this?

#life series #trafficblr #secret life #bigbstatz #bigbst4tz2 #secret life bigb #bigb #god why do you have so many tags #stupidsketchrambles

[orcelito]

orcelito's trigun fic recs!

making this for @trigunfanfic's fic appreciation week! this is a nonexhaustive list & not in any particular order (aside from the smut fics, which i separated into another section). just a few fics i rly love & think should get more attention!!

so Here are the multichapters (some of which have smut, but it's not the focus):

someone to last your whole life by catchatter / @needlab7

this one is sooooooooooooooooooooooo 🥺 i was reading it as it was being released and MAN it drove me insane. every bit of the post-trimax love and healing i couldve ever wanted. genuinely one of my fav trigun fics. it's just so well written & evocative. it really does feel like Vash and Wolfwood... and just. aughghghgh im gonna have to reread it sometime bc it truly is something special

CAUSE OF DEATH (See instructions and examples) by neatrogenous / @floofyfluff

this is the other post-trimax fic that Changed My Life. i read it all in one go in one euphoric hyperfocus. i felt every emotion known to mankind. it is just. slkdfjsldfjlskdfj god. i adore how Vash is written here. both of them, really. it just feels so much like them. someday, i will reread this one Too...

Make it to Daybreak by @hypermoyashi (on both ao3 and tumblr)

god. what to say about this one. honestly i have never watched Demon Slayer so going into this fic i was missing that context, but i never felt like i was actually missing out on much. Allen does such a fantastic job at bringing u into the world without having to know anything about it at all. i LOOOOVE demon vash sooo much. so very much. im a little behind on updates rn sldfsdfkj but im excited to catch back up bc everything about this au is just Sooooo fun. everyone potentially interested in Demon Vash should read this. Do it. Right Now. 🥺 pls

Trillium and Ivy by @shastafirecracker (on both ao3 and tumblr)

AUGHHHHHH omfg this one was one of the first fics i read for trigun, and MAN it really set a high bar for me. im a little picky when it comes to modern aus, but this one is just so.... WONDERFUL... i read the entire thing in the first half of my day one day and spent the rest of my day in a fugue state. it was just SO SO SO good. i recently reread it and even having read it before, it was just as wonderful to read. realistic relationship development, compelling Saverem drama, all of it. it's also probably my favorite fic for the depiction of Vash's injury & recovery. the first time i read it i was just blown away by how realistic it felt, right down to the trauma memories of watching bargain bin movies while he was stuck in bed. honestly i could rant for forever about this one lol. it truly is special.

and RELATED TO THAT,,,

Wildflowers, also by ShastaFirecracker

i actually didnt know these 2 fics were written by the same person at first lol. Wildflowers got linked in my trigun server & i checked it out bc Fuck Yeah trans wolfwood. and then had my world just blown away. it's SUCH a good fic, & i really am such a sucker for fantasy au. and i was just absolutely gushing about how realistic the depiction of trans wolfwood was even before i finished the fic. SUCH a great fic. so imagine my surprise & delight when i went back to reread Trillium and Ivy and realized -- OH FUCK, it's by the SAME PERSON !!! such beautiful writing, For Real. i really do love these 2 fics.

Sun, Moon, and Stars by tragic_unpaired_electron (can't find a tumblr link on the fic or ao3 profile, so if anyone knows them feel free to share this with them pls !!)

WOW LOOK it's a fic that doesnt have VW as the main focus!!! unfortunately the only one of those on this list (i May be a tad predictable...), & it really earned its place here. it's just such a fascinating fic that answers the question of What If Tesla Survived? i adore the exploration of her strengths and struggles, as well as her sibling relationship with Knives and Vash. it's so INTERESTING, and it gets into the meat of fighting for the rights of Independent Plants (and plants in general) and just. man. i read this and wanted to devote my life to one Tesla Saverem. she is so precious and hard-headed and SUCH a good big sister. pls do read it, it's such a lovely fic

and NOW...

onto the smut fics lol.

there are Plenty of very good smut fics around, but these are the ones that really stuck with me. either for being Different than the norm, or just being very... well. ya kno lol.

dont worry about the picture this paints of me lmfaoooo

you'll never get enough by tagteamme / @phaltu

AGHHHHHHHHH oh my god this fic made me FEEL things. it's a boxer / gym au, and MAN does it do it well. u get the sweaty gym setting, u get the homoeroticism & horny pining, u get the blatant masochism that drives them both... im just obsessed with it. that stove scene is going to stay with me For Life. & the smut is of course VERY good, but the Vibes... oh the Vibes are so impeccable. obsessed.

there is a season for all things by SolidShrimp (cant find their tumblr on the fic/profile, but i Know ive seen them on tumblr 🤔 if anyone knows their url, pls do me a favor and send this to them!)

THIS ONE.......................... man. man. man. man. like i know xeno is The Average for fandom vash, except the normal flower "plantussy" doesnt really do much for me. im too much of a monster fucker for that i guess. it's not BAD, just not particularly exciting. this, though? now, THIS one left an impression. ive already gushed about it to the writer in the comments of the first fic (havent kept up with the sequel fics, tho i really should catch back up sometime) so i'll keep it brief here. just. such an UTTERLY delightful inhuman vash portrayal, to the point where his reproductive biology is just plain incompatible with Wolfwood & Meryl's (oh yeah, it's mashwood, which is WONDERFUL...). wolfwood and meryl are in over their head trying to figure out how to get vash off in his own way, but they do their Absolute Best!!! it's just rly sweet and i adore the way the writer went Full Ham into the inhuman aspects. utterly delightful.

Kick me once again, and say we'll never part by epsilontauri (doesn't look like they're on tumblr? there's just a link to their twitter on the fic. but if anyone knows them, feel free to send this to them!)

this one is. so. very. AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ok i will be honest this is probably my favorite vw smut. and it's barely even smut. the sequel is definitely much more sex, but this one is. well. it's some extreme, dangerous, and barely negotiated S&M. as the saying goes, it's neither Safe Or Sane, but it sure is consensual! it's just so. well looking at just the tags sure does reveal it. horrible coping, it's an intense fic, but it's just so.......... DELIGHTFUL........... i really really really love fics that stick to their guns like this. and i love how even though Wolfwood had a GREAT time, we get to see how it kinda freaked Vash out (he did Not like hurting Wolfwood), so the sequel is good for a fic where they're both genuinely having lots of fun. this one is actually rather not fun for Vash. but it's just. it's about the Extremity of it. the Possessiveness. pushing someone to their absolute limits!!!!!!!!! this is another fic that i rambled in the comments about bc. yeah. yeah. it's. just trust me. if ur into fucked up dudes being fucked up dudes, this is the fic for you.

& OKAY i think that's my list. again, it's nonexhaustive, but ive had enough typing i think lol

hope u guys enjoy the recs 🥺

#speculation nation #trigun #fanfiction #trigunfanficappreciation #list put under the cut bc i got a little rambly for some of these heheh. just showing some appreciation <3

[lifesteal-headcanons]

I'm gonna put the glitch in glitch duo right now and rant about them and how their glitches work because I am so normal about them (lie)

Okay, so I barely got into Lifesteal like. Late last year because of Squiddo joining and I lowkey got really hyped for it and seeing Ash and Squiddo together I was like.. Woah.. New fav duo alert.. And then found that there was no fancontent and had to make it myself so.

Anywho! Ashswag, as we already know, has that lil.. Thing over his left eye (?) That a lot of us (me) has interpreted as like. Glitching. So to start us off, I believe that glitching can stem from messing with your own player code/others player code/server codes/using mods with like. Virus' or something idk im not that smart. And from the Ashswag videos I've watched we can kind of tell where Ash fits in there by like. Fucking with how servers work and therefore fucking up his own code.

Squiddo's code is glitched because.. Have you watched Squiddo's videos? Naw but fr, she's constantly putting the most cancer inducing mods on her game, playing mods that can definitely fry their pc, playing minecraft on a USB DRIVE?? Which would DELETE chunks to MAKE MORE OF ITSELF so like. You can see where I'm going with this. So obviously, their code gets fucked up and the more they do these mods and plug ins and - whatever the hell, the more their code because intangible and unable to be fixed.

So, with that, I'm gonna go ahead and explain how I think their glitching works and how it affects their body/like.. Everything else.

Ashswag's glitches, as we can see, are more visible to the eye. Literally over his damn eye. I'm gonna go ahead and assume that gives him some partial blindness in his left eye. Also, from some fics that ive read ive seen people give him like, back problems and chronic pain that he probably had before but the glitches DEFINITELY don't help at all and instead make the pain way worse than it already is so. Yay!

While Ash's are more physical, I feel like Squiddo's are more like. Mental? If you catch my drift? While Ash is stumbling down into a heap of pain on the floor because his back is killing him, Squiddo is standing in the hallway staring at him wondering why the guy from the one house smp is crumbling on the floor in front of them on a server they swore they were not on a few weeks ago.

So yeah. Memory loss Squiddo. Also inspired from a fic that I do know! I'll link the fics I got inspired from at the end because they are genuinely such good reads and great ideas.

But I decided that memory loss best fit Squiddo, because tbh they are pretty forgetful. And I take their goofy hijinks and shenanigans as just. Squiddo having to recollection of anything and just trying to do something (which she's probably done before) to job their memory but oh well. I feel as if the memory loss is more of a living in the farlands thing rather than glitched out fucked-up code inducing thing, but whatever. The only time we see glitched out Squiddo is on thumbnails! So I feel like whenever Squiddo joins a server or world that's previously glitched or like. They're already pretty glitched, it really takes its toll and fucks up the whole thing and makes it a memory loss disaster for Squiddo.

And because of Squiddo's horrible memory, they can never recollect and find out what the hell happened to the world to make it this glitched out when in reality she's the reason the world is so glitched.

Except when joining servers! Surprisingly, they don't experience those things when joining servers while when joining worlds the world would become discombobulated and delete itself just after a few hours. Funsies! Which they realize when they join the one house smp just to explore it and then they find ASHSWAG!! And then realizes that HE'S GLITCHED TOO!! YAYY!!! And then they absolutely BOMBARDDDD him with questioned like "why do my worlds always delete themselves?", "what causes someone to have a glitched code?" And "how are servers able to not glitch out?" Etc etc which Ashswag answers and then BOOM! FRIENDSHIP!!!

Basically the only reason servers are able to work for them is because theres like.. This other thing cody whatever that prevents it to idk im not smart. This is not compliant with my past fics written about this stuff but oh wellsies.

Another thing I have made up is 'glitch fever' where basically they just get sick because of their fucked up code and glitches. Yeah. Also based off a fic I read where being around Ashswag too much can make you sick and stuff. I feel like their are certain people who are immune to it like Reddoons (purely because of Swagdoons and nothing else) and Squiddo (because they also glitch tf out and Swagsquid/silly).

Another thing I've like. Headcanoned (because this is all just me reading too much into things and making too many headcanons about) is that their glitches also like.. Made their body tempature irregular. This is so random but it was just something I thought of and then I wrote a fic about it. Like, Ash is constantly fucking cold and on a hot ass texas summer day he'll feel a little warm. Same for Squiddo just vice versa. I love them. The sillies. I want to put them in a terrarium and study them.

That's.. All I have I'm pretty sure. Hello I am Swagsquid the #1 Glitch Duo Writer/Enthusiast and the #1 Swagsquid Shipper (the ONLY Swagsquid shipper..) and thank you for listening to my ted talk.

Fics I took inspiration from:

"Dear Diary: Today, I killed someone" by Fey_wilde on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/52170592)

"I Feel Too Weak to Stand" by Eternal_Era on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/48067240)

"fault lines" by garlic_sauc3 on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/41924196)

Fics I've written based on this idea:

"Glitch fever" by (ME!!) Swagsquid on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/53400835)

"The warmth of another's embrace" by Swagsquid on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/53449573/chapters/135284551)

"Forgotten hot chocolate" by Swagsquid on Ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/54350146)

(Please read the tags and ratings before reading some of the fics!)

.

#ask #headcanon #lifesteal smp #ashswag #squiddo #long post

[antiradqueerguy]

coming to your inbox because i like your vibe and have literally no other safe place to rant abt this. sorry if this bugs you delete this if you want but im debating leaving the radqueer community because of ciel/hbki. ive already been wanting to leave for a while, but the thought of leaving has been triggering my ocd and ive not been sure what to do. but after i saw that guy running around and seeing how obviously horrible he is, and how people still somehow like him, i think im going to go through and just delete my blog or ditch it ive seen him talk about abusing his girlfriend on so many different blogs of his and then i go to look at hers and she is so obviously trauma bonded to him, and its so triggering. it makes me sick how shes admitted to not enjoying how he treats her, but says his treatment is okay because its "consensual" but i really dont believe its consensual. and i know its not my business but i literally cant avoid them in this community. ive blocked them so many times but every time they both get termed, i see them again, and get triggered. ive thought about reaching out to opphie, but every time someone does, ciel is alerted and he starts harassing the person reaching out. maybe i just have a savior complex but seeing the way they are together makes me feel sick. i see myself in her and i feel guilty for not being able to help. one of my friends even watched her change her name on a dime in her discord server just because ciel suggested it. its scary that the community just lets ciel get away with everything. i mean didnt he even admit to *graping* her? and people are okay with it because the victim swears up and down that its consensual? it doesnt make it any better that antis treat him like hes just some edgy kid. yeah its true that he is one, but there are also very very VERY clear signs that he is actually a harmful person and that he is actually hurting someone. opphie even posted a list of a bunch of horrible things hes done, and it looked like a cry for help to me, but radqueers were reblogging saying things like "couple goals" and "this is so romantic" i dont know anymore what to do. i know i have to leave that community but i wish there was a way to make other radqueers realize that ciel is not a good person to have in the community. if they want to beat the pro-abuse allegations, they NEED to point out actual abusers like ciel.

TW: using images from ciels past and current accounts and mentions of r4pe

with ciel he avoids everything to do with him and taking accountability for his action, (EH HEM, his past use of ableist slurs towards people)

me personally i believe that ciel is a abuser. he has had a history of abuse and I've documented AS MUCH as i possibly can. i will not let him escape this and his HISTORY of abuse.

to the people who don't know what nonnie is talking about with ciel admitting to r4ping opphie heres a pic

Now ciel has a cult following, his boot licker fans love him, like hmm idk this

he is invincible, unless his connection to tumblr and discord is cut off his fans will continue to protect him and glorify his abusive behavior

#ciel is a abuser get his ass canned

edit: also HIII CIELLL i know you will eventually read this since you have commented on posts made by antis talking about you before, so howdy doo!!!

#anti radqueer #anti #ciel is a abuser get his ass canned

[a-substantial-trash-pile]

referencing the last reblog so i don’t end up writing a mcfreakin novel in the poor person’s notes:

because god it really sucks holding it all in. my therapist is cool but it’s hard to explain some of these things that bother me to someone who isn’t as “online.” so i resort to posting about the things on my tumblr because it’s the closest i can get to talking about things to someone else without feeling as much of the guilt. idk my mind is an anomaly. speaking of guilt im putting a “read more” here now because this dumb thing’s getting long and now im thinking about the things that have bothered me that idk if i handled right and i don’t want to subject others to seeing it if they don’t want to.

ALSO i think im going to tag my random posts that i make when im having sad bad brain times with “trash rants” so please feel free to block that tag as needed!

the following is essentially about being in a discord server that had both minors (15+) and adults in it and the complications i had in that environment.

one thing that happened a while ago involved a situation within a fandom discord server that idk how tf to even explain the situation to a professional without feeling like an idiot. an adult artist had a character that other people in the server liked. one time that person posted something they drew of that character topless with a message about how boobs shouldn’t be sexual which is absolutely right. but then the others + the artist started making comments about the character’s boobs that i became very confused with how to interpret. my brain was like “are the intent of these comments to be suggestive/sexual in nature or am i being an ignorant asshole for interpreting them as such and it’s because i’m being the problem and seeing boobs themselves as a sexual?” it was even more complicated because the people involved in making these comments were underage. it got even even more complicated because then some of these underage people started drawing the character topless with more comments that i didn’t know how to interpret. one of these people at some point told the original artist that they would privately dm them the more nsfw drawings they were doing. and everyone seemed to be having a good time going “BOOBS 👀👀” and all that and the channel was going crazy. but i was getting so uncomfortable and confused. and i felt like such an asshole. because i like boobs too and society shouldn’t see them as something inherently sexual. but the underage folk being involved made it so complicated for my brain. because if some random person not involved with the server looked in on what was happening, couldn’t it be seen as minors making and sending an adult nsfw art? even though it was very likely NOT the intention of the original artist.

what i ended up doing was bringing my concerns to the server owner, which was responded well to. a rule was put in place about sharing nsfw stuff. but i felt so guilty about it. i felt like i was being a party pooper and ruining people’s fun. i still wasn’t sure if i was even doing the right thing and if it was a problem within me and not with what happened. i was born into a conservative religious background so it was only when i became more independent and was allowed access to the internet that i got to start to unlearn the bad things that were taught to me. that background is something i’m trying so hard to separate myself from, but it’s something that i’m afraid will haunt me. was what happened in the server not actually a problem, and it was because my brain wants to do the bad society thing and interpret boobs as sexual? did i ruin everyone’s fun because i’m just an ignorant asshole who got uncomfy at something i shouldn’t be getting uncomfy about? i still don’t know. anyway, i ended up leaving the server because i just couldn’t enjoy it anymore. once in a while that original artist’s stuff pops up naturally in my feed because we’re still in the same fandom, but i can’t even look at their art or even their name without feeling all the confusion and guilt again. which i feel terrible about because they seemed like a really nice person and they’re a great artist! and i really don’t think they had any bad intentions at all when that situation in the server happened. but i just can’t do it.

that situation was the first moment i truly realized just how scary it is and careful you have to be when you’re in an online environment where adults and minors can freely interact. it’s easy to forget ages when you’re just a profile picture, and how easy it can be to influence someone young, and how dangerous that is, whether your intentions are good or not. it made me realize that i don’t want to be in that type of server where you’re directly interacting with underage people. because i’m a fucking mess and i don’t know what the hell i’m doing 90% of the time. i don’t want to somehow mess up a kid! even if it’s an accident i didn’t want to risk having that accident happen in the first place. it’s one of the reasons why i can’t bring myself to ever draw and post nsfw art anywhere either. i just feel so uncomfortable about it. to me it’s fine if others do it if they’re doing it in a safe way with the necessary precautions, and they shouldn’t feel shame in it! it’s just not something i feel comfortable doing myself.

jfc im so sorry if anyone actually read this far. this whole thing is so stupid. i wish i didnt let it bother me for so long. there are a lot of stupid things that my brain wastes time worrying about. maybe writing all this down will help me explain it to someone on the “outside” who can tell me how to stop it. i don’t know.

#again I’m so sorry about this #trash rants #long post #I think a lot of things all the time and am bad at shortening the words I use to describe the thoughts

[brynalyn]

hi bryn! I hope youre having a lovely day and this news doesnt impact that, but glip had a huge tantrum about you on their glip cohost and all you gotta know about it is that it starts with "I didn't read what bryn said". I hope you have a lovely rest of the day!

Oh yeah I saw that loooll. I made some posts about my experience on cohost and also just ranted a bit after seeing that… I’m honestly not interested in reading it since they wouldn’t even read what I wrote, like what the fuck? And, I have some idea of the things they might have to say…. the majority of the time I was in the discord I was already made to feel extremely guilty about my many awful crimes of I guess, social ineptitude?, normal human emotional range? and, my awful crimes of talking to people while in severe emotional distress after my dox, and how I tried to push for Glip to kick my doxxer for my and others safety/ my mental well-being (you can imagine how that made me feel but I’ll go into that more later.). I got basically a guilt/shame complex from the continued barrage of guilt trips both public and private about past social faux pas(mainly coming from pengo but not exclusively). So yeah, I’m sure I have some idea what they’re ranting about.

But fr I really don’t want to give any more of my time to someone who won’t even do the bare minimum like read my actual written experience. If I need to address something else, or anything, I am more than happy to address it! I can take full accountability for anything, or explain how I took accountability and changed in the past. I’m not afraid to own that part of me. But im sure it’s all putting me in this awful light at a point in my life where I was suffering intense emotional distress and it was made worse bc of glips non moderation. Directly after my dox I had some major emotional mental spirals, intense paranoia and delusions, and also strong desire to fawn/gain scceptance. I was a mess. It’s embarrassing, but also, I haven’t acted like that before or after getting doxed and having to share a server with my doxxer while no one else but Glip and pengo (and maybe a coup,e more people?) knew they had doxxed me, so I can truly say it was the result of the situation I was in. And the guilt trips about my mental spiralling did not help it just made me feel like they were just kicking me when I was down. I am still ashamed of that part of my life bc I felt so completely helpless and lost. The situation made me feel alone and literally insane and I was actually getting delusions that there were, like, multiple people stalking me in the server bc of the mental stress of seeing someone I felt scared, terrified of, getting a warm welcome and no one knowing what they did to me it felt fucking awful. So yeah! That’s my story. I’m happy to answer any questions.

#floraverse #glitchedpuppet #pengosolvent

[leaderlamby]

TW: Rant/Long post

Alright so I've been thinking a lot about something and I just need to get it off my chest

No, nothing happened, I just need to vent a bit

So it's come to my attention recently that I have low social awareness, probably the autism

And because of that, I really tend to speak before I think. Even when typing and there's no pressure to respond immediately and I have all the time in the world to formulate my message so it comes off the way I mean

But sometimes I say things and I just don't realise they could be rude until someone points it out

A while ago when I was still in high school, I unintentionally made fun of my friend with tourette's

And that guy was just way too nice to correct me- not that I blame him, I get it can be a tough thing to do, especially irl

But I did genuinely care about him. Eventually after educating myself on TS, I did slowly start correcting myself, like simply ignoring his tics instead of trying to make them funny like an idiot (unless it was like excessive and I asked if he was okay)

And history has been sort of repeating itself in my discord server. It's not like I'm saying anything horrendous, but they weren't very nice things either

Unintentionally insulting one of my friends and their system, saying something to another friend that could come off as dismissive and disingenuous

And now I have a friend who will call me out if I do something like that, and they have, which is why im making this "social awareness" realisation now

The amount of shame I feel when they do (not that I'm upset at them for it, a huge part of this rant is how thankful I am they help me correct myself) - it's a really shitty feeling and I can never apologise enough.

THAT is how people learn. That is how I'm learning right now. Like I said, I have no idea these things are rude when I say them, so this is definitely teaching me to, one, be more educated on some topics and two, slow down a bit with what I say

Ever since I started this server as a public thing, I wanted it to be a safe space, especially now when I've gotten so close to these people

I would hate to be the person who takes that feeling of safety away

I still somehow feel like I'm not getting my point across well enough- this is not a pity thing for me, I don't wanna hear any "Oh its okay"- this is just me needing to vent abt these feelings and wanting to acknowledge how insensitive I am sometimes

It's not a public apology either, none of this stuff is public matter, I just cannot express how upset I am with myself for being the kind of person I hate - insensitive and non understanding

And when it comes to my friends, I ALWAYS want to understand, I ALWAYS want to learn. I always want to be someone they can talk to about their problems and not worry about how I might respond

I just love my friends so much, yknow? So indescribably much, which is why I'm making such an effort to not slip and say shit that could hurt them

Still doesn't feel like I explained this well enough but whatever

#vent

[masterporky]

im gonna go on some sort of rant that may be deleted later. i guess it could be considered a vague post but ive cut off anyone who im "vagueing" or whatever. its kinda my explanation why i havent been here much recently. its not very cohesive or anything its kinda just my pissed off rambling. its really long or whatever.

ive been treated very poorly by people in the rpc. it was mostly in a discord server made by someone i had trusted. i trusted them because they were older and more experienced than me. and they seemed nice

i guess its my fault for being a kid on the internet in spaces primarily dominated by adults

but also. those same adults were kids on the internet just like me when they started out. so i dont understand how they cant show an ounce of sympathy or come up to bat for me when i very obviously need it

i dont care if you hate children, i dont care one bit. it was an all ages server. pro tip: if you dont want to be around children in online spaces dont be in all ages spaces!

even if it was only me and about 3(?) other minors out of like 10 active people. i dont care.

im mostly angry at myself for joining a server out of blind trust for someone i thought i was friends with. i know it wasnt very smart of me to join a server where i knew most of the people would be adults

but i still cant understand why they all began to fucking hate me. they acted like i was aggressive and unapproachable because that was the type of character i played. they vagueposted about me and acted like i was some sort of villain.

they made groupchats where it was me and 2-3 other people (usually mods) and practically ganged up on me whenever they didnt like the way i spoke or the way i played my character. and then one of those people who said they had been "bullied" by me joined back afterwards because yippee!!! i was gone!!! so now they could shittalk me some more.

"bullied" was me wanting them to properly communicate with me when they didnt like something i said or wrote. which when they did do that it was while in those groupchats. "bullied" was just them not liking the way i talked.

this person did so much other than just fucking that. they borderline fetishized black women & played what i can only fucking call a shittily concealed mammy stereotype. they roleplayed as a pedophile around child characters and REAL CHILDREN (me) which yes when they were askrd to stop fucking using their pedophile character they did. and they told me i frustrated them because they didnt understand me. there is a very high chance that i am neurodivergent. i dont care if you're neurodivergent too, thats borderline ableism. and their partner threatened to harass me once i left. what a great fucking thing to do.

oh and after i left, along with another person they put their "triggers" as "pokey minch" and "earthbound" which is just fucking spitting in the face of anyone with real fucking triggers. i did not traumatize you. grow the fuck up.

one of the weirdest things that happened was that someone who had joined had been making me uncomfortable beforehand (i have since forgiven said person) and no one else knew them. so they completely ignored when i was uncomfortable. but then. they had their character say "kill yourself" to one of the mod's characters and suddenly they got immidiately banned after. hm.

dont get me started on the mods. the mods who i thought were my friends, but excused everyone elses far worse behavior while condemning what i had done. which was seemingly nothing. and the owner of the server did absolutely nothing but let them do this.

i think the worst thing i did was, in a panic when i started feeling like a horrible person, send an apology to the owner a week later i dont feel bad anymore. i dont feel bad because i know that i didnt deserve whatever the fuck they were doing to me in there. i feel bad that i basically lied about being sorry. i guess it wasnt lying because i did feel very sorry and guilty at the time but it wasnt right to send what was basically a false apology to them and i wish i didnt because its embarassing and also wrong.

and the worst thing my friend who i invited did who they also hated (he's also like. a minor) did was send a very mean message to one of the people who had gotten mad at me for a seemingly very small reason and sent mods after me for it. which. i appreciate him being the only one fighting on my behalf. but i dunno.

that person was one of the people who made pokey minch their trigger. and had also made some insane fucking comment once about being "neutral on gay and trans people. some are nice" thats called being a bigot you fucking walnut. you cant be neutral on that sort of thing. and they criticized their coworker for being "racist" when their coworker just said that they hated white people and then got fired for it

the person i had the most problems with had spread what seemed to be false rumors about someone else in the rpc as soon as they entered so im not very certain im going to be safe from any sort of thing like that.

these people were 21-32. i am 14.

and not to sound like im giving you my sob story but its just that. do they just not remember being a kid? do they not realize how genuinely worse being in school has gotten? late generation z kids, especially in a school thats like mine where theres no minorities and everyone hates anyone whos different is actually hell. the people who hate me for being edgy or coming off as mean would fucking drop dead if they stepped foot in my godforsaken fucking school. on top of being bullied relentlessly in school, i now have to fear that i'll be basically bullied in the spaces that i thought that id be safe in. and by none other than people who should know better and thay i thought would have known better because they're well past highschool.

im tired of being treated like im an easy target for harassment everywhere i go. i almost quit roleplaying on tumblr altogether after that because it was such a stressful experience as well as the entire server being made up by mostly people i was mutuals with and have since blocked

ok um i guess my point is just that well. if youre going to have your blog or your discord server be an all ages space maybe dont try and chase out children immidiately because you dont like them because theyre children. you were an edgy teenager who acted stupid too so you should try to have an ounce of compassion for edgy teenagers who act stupid.

oh and also if you cant separate fiction from reality then block me. straight up.

also like. idk if any of you are worried youre following any of these people. i aint gonna like list them down since this isnt supposed to be a callout post but if you like really wanna know for some reason you can like dm me. like as long as u dont harass anyone or anything idgaf

anyways heres some shitty memes i made off it cause like you gotta do something to like not entirely die after some bullshit like that

#POLLYANNA (ooc)

[honey-milk-depresso]

so i had a mental breakdown in my server, sorry for people who just joined ignore my rants and stuff-

TW: Death, mentions of suicidal thoughts, me keeping pent up frustration for 5 months, uncensored words

but i was crying so much, it felt so gross, and geez idk how i broke my dam of emotions today but-

ever since my grandpa died, on the day of my birthday, it was the first time i had to ever think of crying in front of someone or just act natural and say “thanks” if they wished me. honestly i thought i didn’t deserve those wishes or gifts. i should’ve been there to see my granda’s last days but i was so busy with school and other things i couldn’t fly back to see him.

so, that was my first time ever concealing very hard i was super sad. then on top of it all, i have to tackle exams, and my feelings were just giving in, and i did not meet my expectations at all. i wasn’t proud of myself, and i was angry about myself for caving in to my own words, and yet again i resorted to not telling or showing people how sad i was.

my logic was (and still is) that if im not prioritising others, im being selfish and a horrible friend. the fact that i was growing to be more resentful towards the people i love didnt help either.

@his-jinny who deactivated after anons harassed them over plagiarism, anons kept complaining to me about how she was being a coward even after she left like im the culprit, and even before that demanded and pressured me to respond to the situation i wasn’t even involved in.

i was so annoyed, and frustrated, and i wanted to flip them off, but i didnt wanna be rude and insensitive since they also had a point my friend didnt listen to the blogger to stop doing that twice, i said something completely rational while i grew so irrational and feral about it.

and i kept it to myself.

my irl situation was... pretty stupid honestly. my social life got harassed by someone i thought was a friend, abandoned me when i was no use to help them in academics anymore after seeing my math grades drop to a B.

obviously, mad at that piece of shit, but i didnt really said anything much other than “they’re being shitty”. i felt way more than that.

time goes by, and everyone around me see me as that bratty over 3 fictional characters and i felt treated like dirt wipes by everyone. like even if i was useful once im dirty you threw me away and tossed me around like i wasn’t of any value. like i shouldn’t be treated with respect and you called me “bitch” and “motherfucker” and what not. yeah, i know that, don’t have to remind me thanks. and i was caught up in this dilemma of being truthful about how toxic i was getting or making sure everyone dont get hurt. obviously, majority feel great than one individual feels like shit, and i went with it.

i mean, being exposed to it would’ve naturally made me do the same, too, right? i felt like i was (and is) in no position to tell anyone off.

and it went on and on with people on tumblr, on discord, irl, online all treat me like fucking nothing and that im not in control of who i am and what i do, and it felt like i was living off of people’s expectations and feelings that i just crumbled.

all those dark thoughts... i thought of even caving in. i can’t express or describe to you how painful and how morbid and gruesome these thoughts were. i couldn’t even imagine i could think of such things of doing to myself.

i can’t tell you exactly what they were, but they were terrifying, and i was scared, and cold, and lonely in all those thoughts. if you compared “usual” me to when im really by myself and alone, you wouldn’t think that was me.

but being “me” online didn’t felt like me at all.

i felt that who i was is horrifying, and no should know. why would i want you all getting out of my life? i couldn’t imagine that!

but that’s selfish of me, keeping everyone to myself. then what am i supposed to do? cave into those dark thoughts and just do it? no, i wouldn’t, i would hurt people. but that’s pretty egoistic of me and selfish to think people would worry about me and be burdened or even bothered about me, won’t it?

so much dilemma, so much of spiraling down an endless hole of confusion, anger and desolation.

and to think i broke down after so long, crying in vc was so embarrassing despite having people tell me it’s not.

i was so mad at everyone and everything, i thought i was being selfish, and that they were too, but that’s all because it’s my fault for being the worst.

people who rant so confidently and even to me i wondered why cant i be like them? why do i have to hide and cower like a loser?

and i tell people you’re brave to be expressing your feelings, and i didnt. i was in a horrible state (and still am).

i was so mentally torn to shreds i started to be more exaggerated that im fine, i was happy, you think im in love with t*ey despite me saying no (like an annoying bitch- im so annoying-) and again i caved in to those anons saying im not worth to be in the twst fandom, or any fandom or with anyone. im just... a bad person.

im a bad person who cant handle themselves.

i wish i can take a break, but i cant. i have work to do and important stuff ahead of me i must continue on to work hard.

@rizavi-m @sherbet-shark @quaintl1ng @mehletmesleep thanks but i dont feel like im worth anyone’s time.

but hopefully, i won’t fall victim to those dark thoughts of mine.

#twst #twisted wonderland #honey.announcements #honey.important #honey.apologises #im sorry

[wri0thesley]

I hope it's alright to rant a bit, feel free to ignore/delete if you want but I just feel so dejected about genshin lately. I've lost my 5th 50/50 in a row and I just feel so .. betrayed? hurt? I haven't won a single 50/50 and yet I have a friend who's won every single one except for like 3? she has over 12 limited 5 stars and I'm sitting over here with 4. I have to scrimp and save every damn primo while she can just throw them willy nilly at weapon banners she made a last min decision to splurge on and she just gets the weapons she wants immediately?? I know it's not her fault that she's mihoyos golden child but im finding it hard to be happy for her anymore. I have another friend who's also been lucky, not as much as her but they've won their past 4-5 50/50s and I just feel so frustrated by it all. I kind of want to quit because I don't like how the game is making me feel about my friends but I also don't want all the time and lil bit of money I've put into genshin to go to waste. I've bought a few bps if I finish it and like 3 welkins. I can't drop thousands into the game like one friend I have, so I log in every single day to do dailies, get exploration to 100%, do everything in events, build my chars so I can do the best I can in the abyss tho I still can't do floor 12. it just feels so invalidating to the time and energy I've put into the game. and I can't help this jealousy that is settling into my friendships and I'm just.. tired of being the unlucky one. i still have plenty of primos to get alhaitham as well as go to 50/50 again on nahidas rerun but the motivation to keep logging in and playing is just dead for me. what's the point of diligently saving so much when I have to spend double everyone else I play with to get a char I really want? I'm a collector at heart and I want everyone eventually but with my luck I feel that by the time the servers close I won't even have a tenth of the roster. sorry for the long rant, im just not sure how to deal with this festering anger towards my friends so I've been avoiding them. I don't want to say any of my thoughts to them cuz they don't deserve that but quitting/taking a break leaves me in a rough spot as well if/when I decide to come back.

ah anon <3 i am sending you much love, i understand how you feel - but i honestly do feel like when things are getting to the point that it's affecting how you feel about your friends, it might be best to take a step back and a break for a while. gacha games are cruel and unfair; for every person posting their 'i got three five stars in a ten pull', there's someone who's pushed to almost hard pity for every five star and never wins their fifty fifty. i understand if you've put money into the game that it's harder to take a break, but you will feel better for it; if you have welkin, maybe log in just to grab that and log out.

i really do think genshin is fun just with four stars but SO MUCH of it is indeed luck based on top of the gacha; rolling the right artifacts, getting the right talent materials and boss drops . . .

but. i think the most important thing of all is to enjoy yourself playing a game. if it is no longer making you happy, you need to take a break and re-evaluate it! the money you have spent was worth it if you were enjoying it at the time; if you are no longer enjoying it and finding joy but feel like you have to because in the past you have spent money, that's a sunk cost fallacy! take it for the joy you had at the time.

i'm sorry if this isn't helpful but please know you are very seen and i hope things get better for you <3.

#nat.txt #genshin impact posting

[dadfag]

ranted in a server and now im ranting here but we all talk about media and its importance to us and we all have that one media that changed us and for me that media is fruits basket i cannot literally put into words how much a single show changed me and the way i view life.

like fruits basket is one of the single most important and life changing things ive ever watched. it deals with such heavy topics like childhood abuse, forgiveness, assault, guilt/remorse, etc without trivializing it or making it feel ... so cookie cutter. every single character reacts so so differently to Akito and their circumstances, and no one is seen as,,,, less valid for feeling a different way about it and especially at the end, you actually (i mean I did) feel some sort of sympathy and understanding for Akito and how they treated people, while still understanding they did terrible, terrible things the entire time. the other thing too is that its just. its so raw, and so so heavy and like you're gonna cry your eyes out but it puts you back together just as easily and genuinely like FUCK. especially if you're someone who has gone thru some of the subjects that fruits basket touches upon, its so nice and refreshing to see a piece of media that approaches it in such a way thats not so trivialized. not everyone forgives Akito, but it shows that the characters choices for that are just as fuckin' valid.

if u read anything i write there is an air of tenderness around it and fruits basket is half the reason for that like genuinely fruits basket changed the way i approached writing i cannot put into fuckin words how much i love fruits basket.

#speaking! #thank u for coming to my tedtalk i fuckin love fruits basket

[community-rants]

Discord Moderation & Friends

This is not our usual rants we allow on here. We like it kept to game communities. However we understand the need for privacy and anonymously talking about your issues - admin A

I'm angry at my friends. I'll call them Mix and Maz Mix owns a server on discord, she made me a moderator because I was supposed to set up bots for her. I was fine with that since I knew how to easily use them and it was faster than teaching her.

Maz was her other moderator and supposed to set up the restrictions for roles and ages in the server. Ex: Minors cant access the selfies chat for safety reasons. Maz went and watched kpop videos instead, even with reminders multiple times she refused to do it. Mix didn't want to do any management of her own server so all she did was make it so no one could see any channels and she gave me the work to do cleaning it all up and setting up all the right roles, permissions, etc. I stayed up 6 hours later than when i was supposed to sleep, working on HER server because everyone was complaining and this whole server of 63 people knew I was the one in charge of working on it. Making a 16 hour day turn into a 22 hour one.

Fast forward by 3 weeks. Yesterday she decided to get rid of her current server and make a new one to start all over again, I spent 3 hours making her a thorough guide on how to set up servers because she said she felt bad I had to do it alone last time. Guess who was put in charge of doing EVERYTHING this time. Maz wasn't even asked. Mix told me to do everything so yesterday turned into another 20+ hour day. Because no one else would do it, they'd be mad if I didn't do it. Its not even how long it takes that bothers me its

there is NO thank you

She won't respond to questions on moderation for her server until I've asked them 12+ times over the span of 3 hours because im outright ignored and she gets annoyed and angry that I have to ask questions because im not a mind reader and dont know how SHE wants HER SERVER set up.

They both will always go watching kpop or kdramas. its not even something important distracting them. When i try to teach them while im working they wont pay attention at all. Maz always goes "Oh its my ADHD just understand it" I have it too, but you don't see me refusing to apologise for ignoring someone when they kept reminding me gently over and over again the whole time to help me pay attention and even WROTE A GUIDE OUT, or deliberately constantly distracting someone else and speaking over other people like Maz does.

I was unwell yesterday, I had been in pain all day because im disabled and get chronic pains often randomly out of my control, pains so back I get ill and dizzy with pain and sometimes bed ridden. My legs were in so much pain I had to drag myself to bed at the end of the night, but STILL had to do that for them. Still had to stay up past when I wanted to sleep to do all their work for them

Maz LAUGHED about how frustrated I was and how long it took, she LAUGHED and went "Oh poor you lmao" Mix entirely ignored me and didn't even say goodnight to me bc "hot kpop men" and wouldn't answer a single moderation question and was mad I had to even ask anything.

They think im sensitive for being angry and giving them the cold shoulder today. Am I being ridiculous?

#rant #advice #friendship #discord mod

[keefwho]

May 07 - 2024 Tuesday

10:31pm

4.5/10

Im writing on time tonight because DS went to sleep early and I did my dishes early partly because my tummy hurts.

This morning I did my whole body shave with the manscaped attachment I don't usually use which was a good idea, it's bigger than the thing I usually use. It's just not as good at trimming unless you are only going against the grain. I took my shower and for breakfast I made oatmeal using some frozen cut up apples and a side of spam. It was a light breakfast since I've been eating big meals lately. I did my monthly finances finally, just 2 days late.

For work today I warmed up by sketching human torsos but my head wasn't really in it so I didn't do a great job. That didn't bode well for what commissions were going to turn out like. It was just one of those days. I had a bit of trouble on the commission because GT, the guy paying for it, just wanted me to redraw a black and white image of a guy on a motorcycle but as a cat instead. Partway in I didn't think my usual process would be best so I decided to wing it instead and do something more like a lineless color study which turned out to be a good idea. I stopped stream halfway through because little things kept going wrong and my tablet died which required me to restart my computer. DS seemed upset at that which sucks because she's definitely my favorite viewer to have.

Off stream I asked TK if she wanted to hang out in her server VC while I worked. She said she had just showered and likes to wind down after so in a bit we could. In the meantime I worked on the commission with some music. I got distracted a few times but not too badly. She alerted me when she was good to go so I joined her and her boyfriend to chill. NJ joined as well. I mostly listened until I decided to speak up about some frustrations I had today. It turned into a big rant session to NJ who was kinda becoming my therapist for some reason. He asked some good questions but didn't have very good advice in my opinion. He also implied every thing I said was wrong which wasn't productive, I felt like I was defending myself at every turn on things I was confident I was right about. Eventually the topic was abandoned and I left briefly to start lunch. I made stir fry rice with canned ham and mixed vegetables. It came out okay, I wish I had added more jalapenos. I continued work in the call. TK asked what I was working on and I had to explain it was someone's character performing receiving fellatio. Then I worked on something of my own which was my otter giving head and I actually showed them that one since they were curious. It was a strangely classic case of showing "normies" some relatively extreme furry art, but they appreciated the quality of it. Especially the background. After an hour of working on that, I switched to my custom pony VRchat avatar. I more or less finished work on the basic body shape I think, but I'm not sure I'm sold on it yet. TK left and I hung out with the other guys until I was done working. Then I got off to decompress.

I watched episode 2 of Black Mirror this evening. I already got all my thoughts on it out to DS, but my view was trying to positive in that maybe their society would improve with the introduction of the guy's podcast on the state of the system. I think it was left open ended. I got the impression at the end that it was implied he had a LOT of work ahead of him. After watching, I booted up KSP with the goal of further figuring out a way to organize my crafts and do a couple missions. The craft organizer mod is unfortunately bugged which makes it very hard to use. I might just have to get rid of it and think of another way to organize. DS got in bed early and we called to do our usual routine of puzzles and KH2. She talked to me a bit about her struggles lately and I empathize with all of it. It's stuff I'm also working on and making headway I think. Its progress I wish I could share with her somehow without lecturing about how I'm doing it. I know the best thing I can do is support her as she figures out what works for her which I'm eager to witness and hear about. I reached the end of the game in KH2 and next is the final final boss I think. After DS fell asleep I continued KSP a little bit. I also ate the first chicken strip I've made that come un-cooked which was something I was very slightly worried about. I knew it wouldn't really be a big deal, and it wasn't. Since they're frozen it isn't very gross handling them. I just know I gotta wash my hands when I'm done. Its unrelated that my tummy has hurt all afternoon and evening and still is. I keep having to go but it's all ordinary. This has happened before, its just uncommon for me. No idea what could have my stomach like this but I think it's already passing. I getting very cozy watching a Twitch streamer play Fallout 4, I'm probably gonna watch until I happen to pass out.

I wanted to practice "self as context" from my ACT book today but I didn't out of simple laziness. I'm guilty of feeling like I already know everything I need to know but that is foolish and I know it. I turned this journal into a sort of practice by writing it from the perspective that I'm reading it which helps me provide better context for events and makes me look at my own writing style. It helps prevent rambling in a way that I ignore and forget about as soon as the words have been typed.

#journal #diary

[clembian]

hi‼️💥💥💥im thinking abt ctubbo n chommy again [and always..]i’m ur the Beeduo Guy but perhaps you have any headcanons abt those two .?looks at you with my big sad brown eyes

ohhh ghost we r like this🤞 they r so on the mind lately.. ill just give ssome random thoughts w some hcs cos they rsooo important 2 me but also.sniffle.

i lovee the idea of preteen/kid cclingy running around the server gettin up to mischief (partially inspired by the stunts id get up to as a kid) but also they r both trans. ctubbo and ctommy r transmasc and transfem respectively 2 me so i feel like theyd have a moment pretty similar to 'dude do u think its normal to wanna be a boy sometimes' 'yeah i think everyone thinks like that' (i alwayz jump between lmanburg and post doomsday for when ctommy came out but i feel like tubbo realized a lot earlier ? and there was just so much shit going on that ctommy like did Not have the time for that) (this almost turned into a cschlatt and ctubbo rant but i reigned it in :3)

i was listening 2 always gold by radical face cos its soso good and specifically i was thinking abt the lyrics "but i am fine with where i am now, this home is home and all that i need, but for you this place is shame" and i was sortof exploding over it cos like. its so themT_Ttommy still living in (whats left of) thr main smp area. so close to thr ghost of nlm and lmanburg before that and cdreams territory before even that !!!!!!!!!!and tubbo couldnt stay 💥💥he moved to snowchester to get away from it all but tommy stayed in the same home he built at thr beginning because thr familiarity of the horrible shit was better than unfamiliar new (but potentially better) shit.

sorry im a big fan of the idea that they went through a post-Everything period of avoiding each other bc of the guilt(⁠^⁠～⁠^⁠;⁠)⁠ゞdidnt mean 2 makeit angsty

^^tying back 2 this but likee.. landslide by fleetwood mac as a cclingy song. very much thinking sbt this song as representing the part of their lives where everything that happened is nothing more than a bad memory walking past lmanhole(long taken over by nature) or a distant look in their eyes on a bad day,, them aging and building their own lives.. stevie nicks save me.. <- so much love in my heart 4 older cbench..

i also wonder how much nature would take over the parts of the smp that dont get visited much anymore. (wizard mind beaming u the image of the church of prime kept clean while most of the surrounding area is overtaken by wildlife) do u think that one day the bench will have been there so long that without someone to keep them in check, the prairie grasses will cling to the legs and grow around them

#im so sleepy. got a little carried away :3 #and ur right i am the cbee guy but cclingy have been taking up so much brainspace recently #i shake them around in a jar #and then take them out and make them a little cardboard house #anyways #asks #ghost <3 #i have so many more hcs that wont float 2 the surface of my soupy head

[homiro]

negative rant, scroll on ignore, i just need to spit it out or i'll explode

I feel so fucking bad still lmao like wow it's fucking 2023 all over again, randomly getting fucked over mentally on the 18th day of the bleeding month lol I was so fixed on just ending it yesterday I actually said it out loud to my family, something I'd never done before instead no I just doped myself out of my mind and downloaded some stupid ass game that made me waste 3 euros for fake gold to keep building and stupid fucking garden because it kept showing up in the middle of tetris and i downloaded it and it was like fun at first but then started getting progressively harder as games do but the difference is that you have to pay to keep playing lol absolutely fucking out of my mind and want to die i just can't do this anymore i started working and do the work but then i read back and it's shit and who's gonna pay for this rubbish and i still dont have a supervisor and now there's a law that you can only get medication for 2 months at a time and like.... im an addict i take way more than what I should take in 2 months and there is nothing i can't do. i don't have access to therapy anymore. i was diagnosed with a bunch of shit over the course of the time at UoB and got medicated and now that's all i have. i don't have a baseline for when im overwhelmed all they taught me were the basic breathing exercises and that was it but while that does keep meltdowns and shit at bay most of the time that's not a baseline once i stop crying and the breathing does its thing i want to disappear forever. and yesterday i was talking to my brother after i curbed a full meltdown after a shutdown and i couldn't stop the honesty and just told him 'I can't do this anymore. I have been staying around and focusing on staying here for you but I'm at the breaking point'. and he started crying too and said 'I had a feeling and every night I feel like it can be the last time I see you' and I'm just at a loss. my mum doesn't understand that my level of autism is 1 to 2. she doesn't get that there are no jobs. she doesn't understand that customer server would be a death sentence tho I did say I would rather shoot myself in the head than do that again with all the words. im really between a sword and a sharp place here and I don't have any talents to make money and im scared of doing tarot readings because they're too fucking accurate and i want to call baloney on it and it's just some shit someone made up like ouija boards but i believe in the power of belief and lots of people believe this shit so i believe this shit has power and fuck man i did a reading for myself and it's all becoming true every single fucking thing. even got a fucking upside down fool and an upside three of swords. and i feel like that fool is my decision to get this stupid phd and the three of swords is failing the driver's license my mum is forcing me to try to get even though I know I can't because I'm too fucking jumpy even if I manage the written exam i'd fail the practical one and in portugal it's almost 1000 euros for a driver's license. yes really. and if you fail an exam you pay an extra 150. i really just want to end it. i feel useless, talentless, worthless, i feel like i'll always be stuck and i feel like i'll never be a fully functional adult and will always have to keep repeating and making lists to do anything at all adults do. the only time i was alright was when i was smoking pot every other week lol but I don't have access to that now even though it's legal here. it's wildly expensive lol and there's no help even if you need it and i still have not managed to get the paper that certifies that i have autism and need support because everything takes a million fucking years and the therapist has been MIA since May of 2022. I'm just so fucking done

#homiro said some shit #mental health #mental illness #actually autistic #actually adhd #actually neurodivergent #rant #vent #tw suicide ideation #negative #tw negative #tw negativity