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notyourparentstherapist · 9 months

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Deeply Personal

CW, Trauma, CPTSD, emotional neglect, parents with mental illness, hoarding, abuse

TL;DR

I am a survivor of emotional neglect, a parent with complex mental illness, and need this living document to remind myself that my dissociative and cptsd symptoms make sense given what I have been through. I often don't remember or can't tolerate having all together in one place so I tend to "just forget" anything pre high school. I need something external and tangible to remind myself that was I went through was real, horrible, and just as valid as other forms of neglect and abuse. I often talk myself out of being a survivor of anything. Or try and convince myself it was all a dream. Which is an intense CPTSD and dissociative response. The post below is raw and full of spelling mistakes. One of us needed to get it out.

I have been spending a lot of time sitting with it all.

I have trouble placing it all together most days. Honestly I'd rather forget it all. My job, as a part, is to be functional, working, and committed to security for the body and everyone else.

So asking me to go to therapy twice, even three times, has been so so hard for me. N is the first therapist I have been able to stick with for a long time. Other than C who I saw in college. She was my first real therapist and we saw her every week for 4 years. She helped me start to put a lot of my past together.

In college, when I was finally away from my home, is when I stepped in. I could finally do what I wanted to do. So I took on three jobs, took 18 credits a semester, some times even 19, and was on the board for two clubs, one being the honors society.

I made up every excuse I needed to no go home for breaks. I begged the father, who left when we were 4 and has barely participated, for money to help us stay on campus. I am thankful he did once until the step monster stepped in. She really fucked any chance we had at a relationship with the father.

During this time C was started to align for me that our mom was mentally ill. The way she operated was my normal for so long. She never let friends come over who were not fully vetted, I had limited friends I could go see. Had to turn my cell phone in every night for her to search it. She monitored all of my social media. I was also dancing so I was in the studio 36 hours a week by the time I was a senior. (I was also dancing on an undiagnosed hip injury which I had to manage all the medical appointments to starting at 16 which is also not normal). She had me sign a clothing contract which stated what I could and could not wear every day. (she sent it to me in college as well hoping i'd follow it).

She was a teacher, until she lost her job in the 08 market crash. She has never been the same since. I cannot remember what life was like before high school really, I remember some of middle school. But C was there to remind me that my mother was also an addict.

I was blinded to the idea that someone could be addicted to prescriptions. I naively believed that doctors were all good and that would never happen. Meanwhile, C explaining the effects of all the meds mother was on made a lot of sense.

She stopped maintaining the house. Things started falling apart. We had no money, lack of heat and hot water was the norm. The house would get so gross wed have insect and rodent infestations. Mold too. This is why I always had lung infections and NO ONE THOUGHT TO LOOK INTO THE HOUSE. I am still so mad. There were so many signs things were wrong.

She is a classic case of prescription abuse. She was on the phentanyl patch, percs, and ativan by the time I was 18. Those drugs ran her life. If she took them she would be passed out for most of the day. Unable to take us anywhere. She'd forget to pick us up, including my sibling M. She was not present. When she lost her job it got worse. She'd sleep all day. Stopped cooking. I would have been 16 and M 14.

I took over a lot. I got my permit so I could drive us around. It took her convincing to go anywhere or do anything.

I am so thankful I have a close relationship with M. I do not think we would have survived without each other. He recently told me, "You know, when I look back on the happy times with you or what we did when we were younger, mom isn't there. She was never there". I was shook. He remembers less than I do, which I honestly think is a good thing.

I got fed up at 17. I started pushing back, getting angry. Mother and I fought all the time. (she denies this). However, another side story is the reason I struggle personally. She has my brother and I convinced we had psychological and developmental issues. She full believed my brother was incapable of reading and writing to the point where she did all his homework for him. Leaving me angry about how much "support" he got. Little did I know then that this would cripple his sense of esteem.

She had me convinced I was like my father, who has OCPDO, and that I was vulnerable to addiction and bi polar like mood swings like her. She had me on meds starting in elementary school. It started with concerta and ritalin. Then we moved to Strattera. Then my moods became "uncontrollable and disproportionate" so they put me on prozac. Turns out I can't break that down so they put me on sertraline. But then I started having panic attacks daily in middle school. So then ativan was added and they tried me on welbutrin then celexa. By the time I was 18 in high school I was on straterra for ADHD (Which I don't have), Lamotragine (aka lamictal for bi-polar which I also don't have), ativan, and sertraline.

I was an over medicated 18 year old, with a hip injury, and surviving Munchausen's by proxy (I know the name changed with the DSM V), while also surviving emotional neglect at home and dealing with a mentally ill parent who was addicted to prescriptions. Plus my house looked like an episode of hoarders. (I can't watch the show it is too triggering).

*taking a deep breath*

I only had small parts of this. At any one time.

There were other events of sexual abuse that took place outside of the home so I am not discussing those here.

I never suffered physical abuse. So for the longest time I did not understand why I could not trust people, why I was so reactive to touch or being invalidated.

To date, my biggest trigger is when people do not take my emotional needs seriously. Like I get it, I am too functional most of the time, but being told at a young age that I was "such a good advocator" was not actually good. Why are we praising a 12 year old for knowing how to advocate for disability needs in middle school. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY MOTHERS JOB.

All of this stems from a core story mother tells people. She uses it to highlight my independence. She used to say that I never cried much, I slept a lone a lot. Never needed much attention. Until M was born. (His needs were way different and I always understood that). He had a lot of stomach issues and mother had post partum depression with him. Anyways, the story goes like this.

Mother: I remember you waling out into the kitchen while I was holding M and you asked me, which I always knew you'd be like this, you asked me, Mom why does M get all the warm stuff?"

LET THAT SINK IN. At less than 4 years old. I asked my parent why does my sibling get all the warm stuff???

Her response.

"well you never asked"

THIS. IS. EMOTIONAL. NEGLECT. AND. MISS ATTUNMENT. AT ITS BEST.

She tells this story to people and they things it is so fucking cute how observant I was.

But I just get so sad and mad about it.

I don't think a 4 year old or less needs to "advocate" for attention. Like fuck me.

Often I have to remind myself that my CPTSD symptoms and dissociation MAKE FUCKING SENSE.

Home was not safe or clean, so my sibling and I played a lot of make believe until middle school (which is developmentally very late). I learned quickly that the only way to get needs met was to ask and be prepared for a volatile no or to take care of things myself. NO WONDER I DON"T LET ANYONE HELP ME. LIKE FUCK. WTF.

I learned I could not talk to mother about personal stuff due to fears of being punished. I attempted to come out as bisexual to her and she told me I could no longer have any friends over due to her fears of me being sexual with everyone. (meanwhile she would sit in front of the TV shouting for gay rights and supporting the gay marriage bill). It was SO confusing growing up.

SO I think it makes sense that parts of me would fracture off right? The child parts concerned with fantasy play and arts and crafts or the mute one who is sad and lonely. The angry/sassy teen. The workaholic and perfect student. The sarcastic/flirty hypersexual part that split off at 17 due to sexual abuse to cope. Also at 17 was the suicidal and self harming one. I am sure there are more.

Yet when N asks me to validate myself I just can't. I know in my soul that OSDD/DID is a thing for me. It has disrupted my life in different ways. It is dysfunctional in many ways. This will be a separate post I think.

IDK.

Sorry for trauma dumping. I am sure I left parts out.

#dissociative disorder #mental health #therapy #dissociation #trauma recovery #complex ptsd #ptsd #trauma #mental illness #therapist with lived experience

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iomontecillo · 2 years

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Mahidevran, mother of Suleiman’s eldest son, attacked Hurem, which by historians described; related to Hurem’s self-defense, as if it were “a tempest in a teacup” - though she was accused of being “a witch”. In the light of the times (1520), at the time, the local Lord was given “the right to every woman’s first night”; though it was the fewest who were chosen to see the sultan. After the first son was conceived by a woman she was dispersed from the conception chamber. The harem conflict started when Suleiman attached himself to one woman and stopped functioning as a breeding stud - resulting in the harem’s accusation of her being a witch. This pattern jas been observed as repeated throughout all ages - which is what we Call trafficking; which was observed in the similar drama between Princess Dianna, Charles, the royal House and Camilla Parker Bowles. We Can observe the increase of recessive genetic traits - meaning the deliberate selection of breeding to occupy the majority of a “breeding stud’s” primarily with the genes of his mother repeated as an industrial method - making the myth of Oedipus marrying his mother a reality in the formation of nations. We see how this was designed by Suleiman’s mother when Ibrahim, the last descendant of the Line of Suleiman, was deposedfr the throne to install him as a breeding stud and his mother as the administrator of his Empire, while he himself was reduced to being held captive as a psychiatric detainee. We Can statistically observe the increase of psychiatric patients and medication subscriptions - the rise of opioid addiction as a method of mass murder; f.ex il the form of phentanyl, which is normally associated with the sale of opioids and childbirth, thus being the origins of the comparison between women, the proletariat and the fields of Poppies. https://www.instagram.com/p/Cdx95hnMm3W/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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fuckedupteen99-blog · 7 years

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My drug life so far

So I thought that the best way to start my Tumblr is how I got where I am. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible but, a lot has happened so make sure your comfortable 😂. (Names and place names I have been changed) When I was 15 I started a new school. There I made a friend called Samantha. Me and Sam became really good friends and started hanging out all the time. We drank alcohol most nights for about 3 months. Then one night I brought another friend out Lauren with us. Samantha also brought her brother Steve. This was the first time Lauren and Steve had been out with us. I knew Steve was a bit of a druggy but it didn't really bother me. That first night we smoked weed under a bridge where we lived, which was the first time me, Lauren and Sam had tried it. We got into the cycle of sneaking out in the middle of the night to go Steve's house and get baked. Steve and Lauren got really close and became a couple. After a bit, Steve got a well paying job so started using cocaine around us. Being young and curious me Lauren and Samantha asked if we could have some. I instantly loved it. The rush and the feeling that nothing can go wrong and that you really love life, became a welcomed break from the depression we all usually endured. Basically things carried on like this for a while. Every night I would go to bed, wait until my parents went to sleep, then I would sneak out, meet up with Sam and Lauren and go to Steve's house. I would spend the night getting fucked, walk home at 7, have a shower , get dressed then go to school with sam. Id usually go home at 3 then sleep till 1 ish and do it all again. I would say we all got addicted to cocaine. We occasionally used other drugs like benzos and mild opiates such as codine. Then Lauren and Steve split up, I fell out with Sam and the cocaine stream dried up. Me and Lauren tried to carry on but we couldn't afford it. We needed a new drug to replace it. Laurens mum has a condition which causes her a lot of pain. Due to this she prescribed a drug called phentanyl. For those of you not familiar with phentanyl, it is several time stronger than heroin, a lot more deadly and just as addictive. Lauren started stealing her mum's phentanyl (she stock pilled it and rarely used it as she was on morphine aswell). We got it in patches which you stuck on your body. This didn't get you that high tho so me and Lauren used to cut the patches into tiny squares. We could grind the patches with our teeth, such out the phentanyl and swallow it. It basically turned you into a zombie, you couldn't move, speak clearly or eat. Most of the time we would be sick. The feeling was amazing, so chilled out, peaceful, happy. This stage went on for about 6 months until Lauren got caught taking them. Things then got very ugly. Lauren withdrew from the phentanyl worse than me as she was constantly on it. She became a different person, stole off me so she could get other drugs to make her feel better. She got into a bad group her fed her drugs. She used to sleep with them for the drugs. I tried to help her but she didn't want to be helped and thought everything was okay. I was scared of becoming part of the group so I cut her off. I have since become friends with her again. The reason why she'd become so self destructive was because she had been repeatedly raped for a number of years prior to me knowing her. Anyways after losing Lauren I had to make new friends. When I started college I didn't do any drugs other than weed for about a year. I then met a boy called Edward. Edward smoked weed too (how we met). He was part of a group of people who where famous in out town for doing drugs. He introduced me to his friends. One of them was called Dylan. Dylan had his own flat (was 17), where he lived with his gf Kaitlyn. Me and ed went round every night and smoked a quarter (7 grams) of bud everynight. We then got bored and started experimenting with other drugs such as Ket and Pills. We then started going to parties a lot. In the town where we lived there is a homeless project for young people. It's basically a housing estate which we called sesh central (SC) . The parties there where deadly. Countless drugs, lots of alcohol and lots of sex. There was 15 flats there and 6 of those flats where occupied by our group. Cocaine and phet were my personal drugs of choice. Where I am now The SC parties have calmed down now as most of the people in our group who lived there got kicked out. We still go there about once a month. I haved moved in with Dylan and Katilyn and we basically just get baked 24/7 and do drugs like cocaine and pills at parties. Me and Lauren are close friends again and she has a son now which made her quit drugs. She still has problems with morphine however which started again after having her son. That's basically the last 3 years of my life. Hope it was interesting

#drugs #sesh #party #cocaine #weed #phentanyl #morphine

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guccipox · 5 years

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I don’t fuck w memphis gas stations because someone just tried to sell me phentanyl and I’ve never even met him 🤦🏼‍♀️🙅🏼‍♀️

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moondonky · 2 years

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Momentum

The vacuum, u think sum nwo will fill place,, u think sum patriots will rise to occasion, u think sum countries gonna invade,, u think sum protesters gonna take back shit,, guess again,, americans are very dangerous, for freedom for freedom,, the breaking of shackles and chains,, bars bent, an escape, rising with the fallen, will be a mass of slaves.. byproducts of savage systems, tats for scars, fuk your marks,, and in a weird way, they will save the day,, fair paroles a chance to change,, who are you to judge there fate, u think cops are heroic, u think soldiers are fearless, u have never truly met the minds of gangsters, 14million strong of the most survivable of individuals...

In the shadows there are divisions, like them at the top, also at the bottom, in the deep, they have sets, they have code, they have language, handsigns and symbols, that is the real uprising, used, by them,, u see the drugs, u see the crime, the guns, but where does it come from, trickled down,, as the money is sent up,, those at the top never get caught, as the bottom rots in prisons,, disposable, as there families live in hells to support that beast system in function... its not you they are afraid of knowing, and waking up, sum docile people, twhos hearts would fail...

no it is them, and they know now, played for fools, getting smarter, and they are pissed af... and they are not afraid, streets handle fucking situation,, i would advise not standing in ther way, understand there laws of hierarchy and loyalties, and u will be safe.. they are actually not that bad compared to the heads of states...

Eye for an eye theyll even fuck up china for sending all that phentanyle our way, which does not kill like weed and cocain, wat is fair trade.. there are rules to the game..

Effin millennial why not,, those pop star industry rappers n shit, pharmaceutical dealers, prolly gonna get raped and chains yanked,, mansions and estates up for the take..

God works in mysterious ways 🙏

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tubes-n-needles · 7 years

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And a funny thing

One of my last shifts, we had an unsedatable patient. Intubated, ventilated and just working through whatever we gave him. Let's see, over 24 hrs: 52 g of sodium oxybate, which is 26 ampules, countless diazepam, 2 g of thiopental, we ran out of propofol, phentanyl is contraindicated, et cetera. Suggestions from attending physicians: Dr. M.: Do we have a hammer around here somewhere? I'll sedate him. Dr. Y.: How about insulin bolus of, say, 30 IU? Me: I'm willing to look away if you go through with it. Dr. M.: Really? Me: No. Dr. Y.: 4 g of SO and 10 mg of diazepam then. Again.

#nurse humor #nurse stories

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katienbenlewis · 5 years

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9 days post op

So we had our surgeries last Monday. We turned out to be the last two of the day.

I gotta say there is no way of warning someone for what to expect post surgery. I came out in a panic that i couldnt breathe (even tho i could breathe just fine, the tightness in my diaphragm area gave me the sensation of suffocating briefly). Ben came out in extreme pain but it eased after some pain relief.

I had a reaction to EVERY pain med they threw at me (phentanyl and tapentadol).. All i could take was Panadol. And then the next day they gave me a magic suppository - Indocid.. Omg i have never loved a drug so much in my life. After a horror first 24hrs i then slept most of the next day.

So all was going on track for the most part and we were sent home on the Wednesday.

At home i struggled to keep fluids down and was vomiting a lot ending up severley dehydrated and back into hospital for iv fluids.

24hrs later all was well and i was back at our accommodation only to end up back in emergency a few nights later with Ben having chest pains.. Which turned out to be non cardiac so he was sent home again. (7 hours later) ... Again we slept the next day away..

It was a rollercoaster first week to say the least.

Fast forward a few days and we are given the all clear to return home and spend Christmas with our kiddies. Not that we could eat any of the delicious food i made for them.

Im still struggling with keeping up my fluids and am still feeling slightly dehydrated and we are both fatigued most of the time but each day is a chance to do better.

This is definitely a learning curve for us both but im so glad we're doing it together.

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mywebmastersocial · 6 years

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What are the benefits of using Paracetamol Granules?

Paracetamol also called as acetaminophen, is most commonly used over-the-counter pain reliever (analgesic) and fever reducer (antipyretic). It is widely used for the reducing headaches, body ache and other minor pains such as toothache, joint ache etc. Paracetamol granules are the key ingredient in several cold and flu remedies. In amalgamation with opioid (the drugs that act on the nervous system to relieve pain) analgesics, this drug can also be used in the treatment of more severe pain like post-surgical pain and offering soothing relief in advanced cancer patients.

After the oral administration of paracetamol, the onset of analgesia is about 11 minutes. It is generally safe at recommended doses- for adults 1,000 mg per single dose and up to 4,000 mg per 24 hours and up to 2,000 mg per day if consuming alcohol. The high overdose of this drug can cause fatal liver damage and sometimes in rare persons, a normal dose can do the harm; the risk is increased by alcohol consumption.

In the Western world, Paracetamol toxicity is the key reason for acute liver failure, and also accounts for maximum drug overdoses in the United Kingdom, the United States, New Zealand and Australia.The paracetamol drug is placed on the WHO analgesic ranking, what exactly defines the rules for use of analgesic drugs. This painkiller has been placed on all the three steps of analgesic intensity. In diverse pains of medium intensity, paracetamol tablet as a weak analgesic together with nonsteroidal painkiller drugs or analgesics such as caffeine is a basic non-opioid painkiller (the initial step of the analgesic ranking).

When pain increases or maintains, paracetamol granules are used as an additional painkiller with strong (e.g., morphine, phentanyl) and weak (e.g., caffeine, tramadol) or opioids from the 2nd and 3rd step of the analgesic ladder, respectively. Paracetamol, if effective, is a suggested oral analgesic of a prime choice to be taken for a longer time. For example, in case of slight and moderate pain during osteoarthritis as well as in ligament or muscle pains. Furthermore, it is a medicine of choice for patients in those use of non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medicines are contraindicated, e.g., in the case of hypersensitivity to aspirin, gastric ulcers, impairments in blood coagulation, in pregnant women, kids with fever associated a disease and nursing mothers.

In children, the use of paracetamol needs special care. It is also important to maintain an adequate dosage depending on their age and weight, which significantly different than adults. The suggested dosage for children considers the metabolism of paracetamol drug, that determines the harmfulness of the drug, especially hepatotoxicity. With age paracetamol metabolism differs; in small children the sulfation path is the subjugated route of paracetamol eradication that is developed at birth and the glucuronidation path that takes around 2 years to develop. The paracetamol oxidation that happens primarily with the contribution of the enzyme CYP2E1 in neonates is less; this is because the reaction of CYP2E1 rises with age, approaching the adult value at the age (1-10) years.

#Paracetamol Granules #benefits of paracetamol #manufacturer of paracetamol in india #pharmaceutical companies

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