#so I knew I had to include something for them along with trans and enby individuals | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

transenbyconfessions · 2 years

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I don't know how to say this but I need to say it.

I have been questioning my gender for almost three years now, and I think I finally figured out. I don't feel like an specific label is made up for me, the closest I get is being a non binary girl. I kind of like being a girl but I also fricking would love being enby. So that's that.

Early in the day while I was still figuring out this, I was way more open about it. I didn't really got out of the closest, but I allowed myself to experiment with a made up binder (I sometimes look back at that time and think about how idiot I was back then, once I tried to bind with some big hairbands and I didn't even last an hour until I was choking. Another time I tried to use a bandana and got it stuck so I went all my day of school with that thing badly tied around by stomach. Gosh I was so dumb xdd. Don't worry y'all I eventually got my hands on two way-to-small tops that were the safest way to go and I used them responsably.) I allowed myself to put she/they on my social medias (my parents don't usually check my media and they don't really know much english so I was safe). I even dared to draw my flag sometimes and it would make me so happy.

But the things is that, recently, some of my close friends came out as another gender. One is trans and the other is non binary. My parents eventually heard of their thing through different ways.

The thing is that my parents aren't homophobic. They always told my siblings and I that they wouldn't have any kind of problem if we liked girls when we grew up and that, and they seemed really supportive of mtf and ftm trans people.

But when my friends did come out (kinda)...

They say that they believe they are just seeking attention. They laught at my enby friend's gender, they kind of low key mock it off. They say things like the world is going mad and that next thing is someone identifying as an animal or something. I have to laught along. They say they support but that holy cow that sounds invented and things like that.

I also had a problem with my classmates. One of them, somehow found my old twitter account, that I hadn't touched in months and in which I have the pronouns they/them specified. They leaked it to my classmates and they were asking me about it, including some girls that are really mean to me. I freaked out and I made up a story about some old friend of mine that used to be a girl but was now nb and whom I gifted my twitter account, I even logged in to make some fake tweet addressing it. They kind of belived it. But then again, they started mocking that one friend for their gender. I knew they weren't real, but it hurted.

Because of this reasons I decided to make a decision.

I am gonna be a non-binary girl, but no one will know. I am never coming out to anyone ever again.

At this point I came on terms with my boobs, they are small anyway and since I love baggy clothes most of the times they don't show. My parents leave me dress as I want anyway so it's pog on that sense. I can't really use my fake binder atm cuz I had covid and since then I haven't really recovered and it hurts so bad and I can't breathe, but if it ever goes away and I need it, it's there.

It's ok if I can't use they pronouns too, she/hers are also good and I can deal with it. It's not like in spanish we have any that sound good and on the internet most people would call me a she anyway.

I feel it would be easier this way. I will hide the non-binary part of my gender away. The good thing tho is that one day I will live on my own. I wouldn't be able to come out on the public but maybe, one day I will be able to have a little nb flag. I will hide it when people come visit, but I always wanted one and it will be so pog. My little secret.

It's kind of sad that I have to hide it, but I'm trying to find the positives. Less backlash plus I get to be a little spy among the other girls. It sounds so dumb but I like to thing of it like an adventure to not be sad.

I can't not say my name for obvious reasons, but to all of you. I'm here. I can't say hi. I can't reveal who I really am but I'm here, hidden. I'm here. I'm they. Please don't forget about me.

And if you ever come across a blog, talk about them with neutral pronouns in default and I don't correct you... that's cuz you are not wrong.

Maybe one day I get to come out, if the world ever changes enough but for now I will wait here. I'm not giving up I swear.

#trans #transgender #nonbinary #non binary #non-binary #nb #enby #transphobia #nbphobia #enbyphobia #nonbinaryphobia #gender dysphoria #binding #unsafe binding practices

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corvus--rex · 3 years

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Another one that's soundly asleep and not abandoned. Non-canon compliant, and all 7 of them are lgbt+ (I also may, possibly, be projecting onto Keith - just a little). And Lance is a they/them enby.

~*~*~*~

Liberating the planet Artrax was the easy part. Eliminating the Galra presence was simple. Voltron’s Paladins had done their job in securing the planet’s freedom. No different from any other occupied planet they’d been to. The Artraxians were holding a celebratory festival both in honor of the Paladins and in anticipation of joining the Voltron Coalition. Not complicated. It wasn’t something they hadn’t done many times before. And while every planet’s traditions and customs were different, they more or less knew what to expect. At least, they thought they knew what to expect. They were apparently wrong about that.

Allura dropped into her usual seat at the head of the dining table with a heavy sigh, the tablet in her hand clattering to the table’s surface. A lack of her usual composure was evident in the way her shoulders slumped, the annoyance and displeasure clear on her face. She sighed again before facing the Paladins.

“I’ve just spoken with Artrax’s leaders. They are going forward with the celebration in our honor and over joining the Coalition,” she said, heavy with exhaustion.

“I’m sensing a ‘but’,” Lance said cautiously.

“The Artraxians have a very rigid society when it comes to gender roles and sexuality. They are also insisting that, as distinguished guests, we are to dress according to their standards. At the very least I got them to agree to modify their fashions to our anatomy. But they will not back down from their views on gender. Not even for us. Alteans may not believe in those strict lines, but they do.”

“And combined with their enhanced sense of smell, especially when it comes to hormones and pheromones, there’s no way we can get around it,” Pidge noted disappointedly.

“Unfortunately. Please know that I would never ask any of you to do something that makes you uncomfortable in that way. But they would consider it a personal insult not to attend, or abide by their customs. And their trade routes are invaluable to the Coalition. I am so sorry.” Allura slumped back into her seat, gaze dropping to the table.

The room was silent for a long minute as they all considered their options and what the Artraxian societal standards meant for them. Three fifths of the Paladins didn’t identify with their assigned genders and none of them, Allura and Coran included, were straight. Hiding their sexual orientations was manageable, their gender identities far less so. Neither Lance nor Pidge in any way liked the idea of being forced into presenting as their assigned genders. After expanding their wardrobes beyond what they had worn into space, there was no telling what Lance would appear in on any given day, while Pidge’s remained as non-gendered as physically possible.

It had only been a few months since Pidge had come out to the team as agender, aromantic, and asexual. “Triple-A Queer” they had called it. They had known for some time before, but their disguise to get into the Galaxy Garrison was important to their self-imposed mission to find Sam and Matt, and so allowed everyone to believe that they were male. Lance, on the other hand, had never made their semi-fluid nonbinary identity a secret. Being bisexual and nonbinary at the Garrison had been an unpleasant experience at times, until the day when Tommy Bailey was harassing them for it again and Hunk simply appeared behind Lance without a sound, glaring. Tommy was too afraid of Hunk after that to try anything again.

While Lance and Pidge – as much as they hated it – could power through the discomfort of dressing to their physical sex, it was a little harder for Keith. He had kept it a secret at the Garrison, Griffin’s homophobia and “teasing” about Keith’s parents was bad enough. The only ones who had known were Shiro, Adam, and Garrison medical staff. He figured his life was hard enough being the gay, orphaned, golden boy without adding his trans status on top of it. His recovery time after top surgery was dismissed (by him) as having been sick, and hormone shots as being for specific, undisclosed allergies. (“Yeah, I’m allergic to being female,” he’d told Shiro with a laugh when they decided that was going to be the “official” story.)

He’d been off hormones since not long after leaving the Garrison, and told the team shortly after settling into the castle. He wanted to, but even if he hadn’t, it was going to show itself sooner or later. He’d rather they were prepared for bitchy, PMS-ing Keith, followed by angry, period Keith. It was not a side of himself he liked anyone seeing, but without access to his hormones, they were going to whether he liked it or not. He had the grace of the gods in that respect. Shiro handled it the same way he always had – from a distance and with care. Pidge was right there with him, commiserating over a bodily function neither of them wanted. Hunk had two moms and a younger sister, so he understood, even if it was from the outside. It was the same for Lance, with both of their sisters, one of whom was their twin, so they’d seen what she went through a little more closely than they’d wanted. Allura and Coran didn’t understand human reproductive cycles, but understood that it was an uncomfortable process, and did what they could.

But all that meant that he was going to be the one out of all of them in the most discomfort. It had been years since he’d had to pretend like he wasn’t in the wrong body, and now he was having to face that all over again. He knew that if they’d had any kind of leeway, Lance and Allura would be there to help him to be as comfortable as possible while stuck in a dress. But they didn’t. They were going to be in a modified version of the planet’s inhabitants’ traditional costume. None of the paladins knew what it looked like, but from how upset Allura was, it couldn’t be good.

Keith decided to rip off the band-aid. “So, what do these outfits look like?” he asked.

Allura played with the tablet she’d brought with her for a moment before turning it on. The images projected over the table were of the Artraxian people modeling their traditional clothing. Their race was in an eternal transitional period between reptilian and avian. Mostly scaled, and more closely resembling their reptile ancestors, they also had patches of brightly colored feathers and slightly wing-like arms with retractable membranes. The feathers that grew along their shoulders, forearms, and thighs were short, and nearly mistakeable for scales if it weren’t for their texture. They also had feathers that grew in a swath from forehead to neck, but these were longer, some trailing down their backs. Artraxian scale colors ranged from pale, leaf green to deep forest, those colors determined by regional origin. Unlike what the paladins would have expected of either reptiles or birds, Artraxians were a live-birth species, and so had some features more like Earth mammals, most notably two close-set rows of three breasts. Six-titted aliens was not what they were expecting. But combined with their long, thick, tapering tails and wing-arms, the paladins could see why their clothes would have to be adapted for human and Altean anatomy.

The clothing itself was as brightly colored as their feathers. It appeared light, soft, and silky, but was wrapped around their bodies like bandages, ultimately not leaving much to the imagination. Some of the wrappings were sheer, showing off the scales beneath. The females wore a two-paneled, A-line skirt over their leg wraps that ran to mid-calf, completely sheer and split at the sides to the waist. Males wore something similar, but slightly shorter and opaque. Both sexes went barefoot, no doubt a necessity due to their sharp claws. All five paladins looked over the projection with varying degrees of curiosity, anxiety, and fear.

“We’ll be providing the Artraxians with our physical measurements from here, and they will send us our…outfits,” Allura said, eyeing the female Artraxian with trepidation.

Keith was sorry he’d asked; he felt sick.

Lance was sitting directly across from him and was the first to notice it. Leaning over the table slightly, they nudged his foot. “You ok?” they asked quietly.

“No.” It was all he could get out before bolting from the room.

Shiro started to get up, but Lance stopped him. “I’ll go. No offense, but I don’t think a cis guy is what he needs right now.”

“Want me to come too?” Pidge asked.

“Maybe in a little bit. I think too many people will be too much for him.”

Pidge nodded at the same time Shiro spoke. “I’m not offended, Lance. You’re the best suited out of all of us to talk to him right now.”

“Thanks, man. I’ll call if I need anyone.”

Lance paused in the hallway, considering the possibilities of where Keith was most likely to be. Training deck? Always a possibility, but it didn’t seem as probable at that moment. He’d been genuinely upset, not just aggravated or frustrated. So not there. Holed up in his bedroom? Maybe, but it felt a little too obvious. The shock of seeing what he was expected to wear had made him bolt, and Lance knew he’d gone to ground. Ok, so not his bedroom either. The castle was not a small place, but there were only a handful of places Keith would go. If not the training deck or his bedroom, he had most probably run for his favorite of the observation decks, and that was where Lance set off for.

Walking the halls of the castle, Lance enjoyed the feeling of the soft fabric of their long skirt and fluffy cropped sweater. They liked the way the silky material flowed around their legs, and how their sweater floated and felt like it was made of clouds. It also made them think about their own coming out process. How their twin sister Rachel was the first person they’d told at age 12. Barely a month before their thirteenth birthday, Lance had taken Rachel on the short walk to the beach, to the spot away from where even the locals stayed. Their favorite place where they went swimming all summer long. Where their older siblings taught them to surf, and where their mother had shown them the constellations and sparked a love of space in Lance.

That’s where they’d gone with Rachel on a hot day in June. Lance remembered standing ankle-deep in the warm, clear water. They couldn’t look at her, too nervous about what she’d say. But looking out over the Atlantic, they’d found the courage they needed, and told Rachel everything. About how they’d been thinking about how they noticed they liked girls ok, but also boys and nonbinary people too, and considered themselves bi. It led them into talking about their own gender. That they didn’t feel much like a boy, but that they felt kinda like a boy sometimes, kinda like a girl sometimes, but mostly felt nonbinary. Lance told her that they felt like gender didn’t matter as much to them, and that while they didn’t feel the need to change their name, their preferred pronouns going forward were they and them.

Rachel had sat on the beach and listened. She thought it over while Lance was talking, and when they were done, she got up without a word, left her flip flops on the sand, and joined her sibling in the water. She crushed them in the tightest hug of their life and told Lance that they were her twin, nothing in the known universe could stop that, and that the absolute most important thing was that they were comfortable in their own skin. If there were a few tears before they left for home, no one needed to know. With Rachel firmly beside them, they told the rest of the immediate family that night, getting almost the same reaction from them as they had from their twin. Their father Diego was only a little more reserved, admitting that he didn’t understand the nonbinary part, but as long as Lance was safe and happy, that was all he cared about. By the time Lance had left Earth, Diego had come to understand what being nonbinary meant and that those five years of expressing themselves freely had been the happiest of Lance’s life.

The memory of that summer day made them smile to themselves as they walked, but also made them miss home and family all over again. With a sharp shake of their head, they remembered what they were coming up to the observation deck for. They knew Keith understood how important this party was, but being forced into that was more than enough to cause that kind of reaction. Ironically, Lance thought, the Artraxian male fashion sense was actually feminine-leaning, non-gendered by human standards and didn’t bother them as much as they thought it would, although it still did upset them. But that was them, not Keith. Especially with what Artraxian women wore, they knew how much it upset Keith. And that was why they were there. Not to try to convince him to wear it, but to be supportive. Let him know that both they and the team had his back with this. That Lance would be there for him however he needed.

Lance knocked on the door, walking in when they didn’t get an answer anyway. Keith was sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around his knees as he watched the stars. Lance curled up beside him without looking over.

“Hey. It’ll be ok. I know it really, really, sucks, and I wish we didn’t have to do it, but we do. We’re all here for you, you know that right?”

Keith sighed, rolling his head from where it rested on his knees to look over at Lance. “I know you are. Doesn’t make it any easier. I thought I was past all that. Having to pretend to be something I'm not. It’s been hard enough being out here without even the possibility of access to my T shots. And now this. I think I would have been more ok with it if it didn’t look like that.”

“Yeah, I get that. Kinda exposes almost everything. None of us like it, even if I know Allura and Shiro are gonna look amazing in it, but Pidge and Hunk will be really uncomfortable. Hunk doesn’t like going to the beach without a shirt on unless he’s really comfortable with the people around him. And I don’t think I can even imagine Pidge in anything girly, let alone that. And even I’m not really comfortable with it. Way too much skin on display, y’know? I mean, I say this while wearing a crop top, but…” they trailed off with a soft laugh and turned to face Keith. “Really what I’m saying is that we’re all uncomfortable. I know it’s not exactly the same, but you’re not alone. If you need to stay close to one of us for the party to feel safe, it’s ok. No one will mind.”

Lance thought that the soft huffing sound that came from Keith might have been a laugh until they heard the sniffle and realized that he was wiping away tears.

“Thanks, Lance,” Keith said softly.

“Anytime, Samurai.”

It was barely a day after transmitting the team’s measurements to the planet’s surface before an unmanned shuttle landed onboard the castle. They realized that color preferences hadn’t been asked of them, and that their “outfits” were all individually wrapped in black tissue and labelled with their names. Coran busied himself with handing out the packages and sent Allura and the paladins off to change.

“Hey, Lance?” Keith called quietly.

They turned to him and immediately saw the discomfort and anxiety all over his face. “Hey, it’s ok. What do you need?”

“I think I need to call in that favor.”

“Ok. Would having Allura there help?”

Keith thought for a few seconds. “…Yeah, I think so.”

Lance turned to where the princess was making her way across the pod bay floor. “Allura, I have a question for you.”

She stopped and waited for both of them to catch up with her. “Yes? What is it?”

Lance looked to Keith first for his silent confirmation before continuing. “Keith’s gonna need some help with this. I figured you being the only girl here would help with making him as comfortable as we can.”

“Oh, yes, of course. Allow me to change and then we can meet.”

“My room?” Lance suggested.

~*~*~*~

Links to the rest of the series:

1 | 2 | 3* | 4 | 5* | 6* | 7 | 8 | 9* | 10 | 11 | 12* | 13 | 14 | 15* | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19*

#my writing #abandoned wips #klance #keith x lance #keith kogane #lance mcclain #vld #voltron #voltron legendary defender

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bytemycupcakes · 4 years

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Trans-mity in the Oracle track

Hehe Trans-mity? Like it? It’s silly but it makes me happy >:3c

Obviously this post mostly applies to my Trans!Amity interpretation, but some bits can extend to normal Amity too :p

It’s also.. More than just why the oracle track, I got on a roll and now it includes how he joined the track and a bit of how he figured out he’s trans :3 (It also has a bit of enby!Luz cause... Yes.)

btw, sorry I’m still calling him Amity through the post, I have a replacement name idea, but I wanna think about it more before I put it anywhere ;3;

Sorry it’s so long TwT

Okay first off, why I think he is dual-tracking in the first place. (and tbh why Canon Amity should in the future)

Amity is a Blight. Blights are successful. Blights strive for the Emperors Coven, and access to all magic. It only makes sense to study as much magic as possible in preperation for that.

Though Amity is completely fine only doing one track before Luz came along and bent the rule, once multiple tracks became open, his parents likely had him consider it, or he brought up the idea with his parents and/or siblings. Discussing how useful it could be for his future, ect.

The Blights are obviously on board with that, cause if Amity is top student in multiple tracks? Well thats certainly something to brag about.

Why the Oracle track though?

In short: Amity always had a fascination for Oracle magic. Infact its the coven he intended on joining upon entering Hexside, but his parents needed successful children.

Principal Bump talks about “trying out” for a track when placing Luz, so it seems that theres requirements for entering one. Though with him just slapping Luz in potions, they seem to be lose or optional requirements. Suppose it all depends on the grades you want.

Thus, Amity’s parents only wanted him to join a track he was successful at, one where he showed promise. Thats what the twins did, it’s what he’ll do to. Consider it Blight Tradition. So for Amity, the “trying out” isn’t much of an optional thing.

Amity really wanted to do Oracle magic. He had already started teaching himself some of it, and seemed to be decent enough at giving Ed and Em vague predictions on their days, so he thought getting into the track would be easy.

And on paper it was, all you had to do was bring up an image of your adult self on a crystal ball, a small glimpse into your own future. Afterall what kind of Oracle can’t predict his own future?

Amity can’t apparently. Sure he hadn’t tried the spell before, but it’s such a simple one, cast and say the name of who you want to see. It’s basic oracle magic so why can’t he do it?? He sits there trying to do the spell for a good half hour before the teacher pushes him to go try some of the other track tests. And with a sinking heart, he does.

He doesn’t think too hard about what to go try next, just wanders and ends up ploping down in abominations. Ends up passing the test with no effort. Guess he’s an Abominations student now... Even if Ed and Em tried to push him to join the Oracle track anyway

At least he never quite gives up Oracle magic. He Continues to study it on his own, and gets better at giving Ed and Em daily fortunes. All while excelling in Abominations. He toyed with the idea of switching tracks once he could pass the beginning test, but every time he tried it with the library’s loan crystal balls, he still couldnt do that basic spell.

Well- Okay he could do the spell, he tried it with his siblings, classmates, teachers, every person he could think of. And most of them worked! But that didn’t matter since he needed to bring up himself.

It didn’t matter that he would easily get passing grades in the track, because according to his parents, if he couldn’t do the basic test, then there’s no promise. He supposes they’re right. Besides, his grades would probably suffer if he couldnt do any predictions about himself.

So he pushed it out of his mind, pretended he always strived for Abominations, and started showing fake pride at his achivement. Besides, nobody wants to hear Abominations top student has been half assing his classes and really doesn’t care much for the track.

Though it grows on him, he finds uses for the spells, and ends up growing fond of the creation process. And having an abomination follow him and do basic tasks was certainly an ego boost. He accepted his fate, and decided he could achieve his goals in this track. He’s a Blight, happiness comes far after success.

But then Luz comes along. Befriends Amity and pulls him out of his shell. Her openness about how humans navigate gender and sexuality fascinates Amity... He’s sure that’s just a human appreciation thing. He’ll take note to talk to the H.A.S about it.

Not that he hasn’t heard similar things around the boiling isles, it’s certainly not unheard of, Willow has two fathers for petes sake. But Luz talks about it more than Amity has ever heard... He could listen to them go on and on for hours... About- The gender stuff. Yeah. Otherwise he’d be so annoyed by Luz’s blathering... Yup. Definitely.

Well that falls through, Since Amity and Luz start dating.... Woops, guess he isn’t straight- Shit.

Luz and WIllow eventually point out how... Interested... Amity seems in Luz’s gender rambling, and Amity tries to play it off that he just likes listening to his partner talk! Is that a crime? The two back down, but Amity certainly takes note of how.. Defensive he had gotten.

He’s left thinking. A lot. And through that thinking, he reaches a state of denial. He’s already dissapointing enough now that he isn’t the perfect straight daughter his parents wanted, he can’t be.. not a daughter too! Maybe his parents were right and Luz is a bad influence- Perhaps he’s just making Amity think he’s all these things- Besides, Amity didn’t mind wearing a dress to Grom, or to other social events.. Sure he whined about how uncomfortable they were, and he makes a conscious effort to wear pants as much as possible. But that doesn’t mean he’s a guy. That’d be absurd-

Again, his denial falls through... Some deep talks with Luz certainly opened up some things... Damn Amity is just chock full of parental dissapointment.

But that doesn’t matter, because he can still be successful without their approval. Amity is still a Blight. And will always have the sway of power that it comes with.

Back on track with the tracks.

Amity had already moved past and shoved down his want to join the Oracle Track quite some time ago, so when he mentions it in passing when helping Luz with her Oracle homework... He’s caught off guard when they shove the crystal ball into his hands.

Luz encouraging him to try again, now that he’s figured himself out, and has a new name. Their professor said names are very important when it comes to some forms of fortune, so maybe thats why he couldn’t do the spell!

Amity blinks.... Then smacks his head. GOD why hadn’t he thought of that?! He already knew that from his own private studying, but just never connected those dots!

He takes such a deep breath, head swirling with excitement and even more fear. Afterall if he still can’t do the spell, then that means he really isn’t cut out for Oracle magic... He’s not sure if he can face that reality... But even if thats the case, he supposes he’ll always have Luz, he can help her with their oracle homework without doing the spells himself.

He casts. He says his name. He and Luz are staring at the ball, neither breathing as the few milliseconds start to feel like hours while they wait for any image to show up.

And sure enough... One does. A simple image of a much older Amity walking through a town appears on the ball, and the two teans squeal. Amity doesn’t even remember a time he was this happy, he’s rendered to tears. That he can do a spell thats been alluding him since middle school. All because Luz had put the pieces in place for him to learn about himself and figure it out.

When he takes the test again next semester and does it first try, the oracle teacher grins and ruffles his hair, “I suppose there was no future Amity Blight, hm? Welcome to the Oracle track, [name]”

#The Owl House #Amity Blight #toh Amity #luz noceda #toh luz #Lumity #toh Lumity #Trans!Amity #toh headcanons #Enby!Luz

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silverjirachi · 4 years

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Do u rly 100% believe ur not a woman? If u dont mind sharing how did u figure that out? How can u separate urself from ur body like that? We r our bodies! I cant wrap my mind around it even tho I have dysphoria. Also women are the most oppressed class of people 2 this day so it seems really really stupid 2 let our oppressors claim womanhood. We r all born from vaginas. How do people ignore history & reality? Is pretending ur not who u r a coping mechanism? Wouldnt accepting ur body b healthier?

Hi there! I considered not answering this because I don’t want to fan flames or stir discourse because I don’t want other people to get wrapped up into something that is 100% about me. I try really hard to cultivate a positive, lighthearted environment in all of my online presences. But honestly your ask isn’t worded hatefully, and I think what I have to say is important and might help someone else, so I’m going to answer it. But I probably won’t answer anything else and there better not be any funny business in these notes. If there is, I would like to politely ask people not to engage with it. Please leave me, and everyone else in these notes, alone. I am writing this for me, to answer your question about me, and I’m writing this in case there’s a baby enby out there who is exactly like me who who needs to read this today.

With that disclaimer aside...,

Yes, I really do 100% believe I am not a woman. I unfortunately cannot easily explain how without falling into the traps of words like masculinity and femininity. But it’s the same as any other identity. How do you know you are a woman? Is it something that you identify with, feel a personal relationship with? Or does it ultimately only come from your body alone, and you feel absolutely no connotations or connections to it whatsoever? Did it come to you through your body? I know people who 100% identify with their assigned gender, but can’t really articulate how or why without falling into these same binaries. And I know people who 100% DON’T identify with their assigned gender and cannot truly articulate how or why. It doesn’t even have a lot to do with masculinity or femininity. A lot of our language just doesn’t have the words to describe such an internal experience.

It is true that there is a very specific type of oppression that comes with being born in a female body- or a body that would otherwise assign you female at birth. From what I can tell, that’s what a lot of this really relies on. I don’t think anyone who is AFAB and nonbinary or ftm is really denying that, at least not from my experience. I’m sure they’re out there. But we, by and large, HAVE had the experience of discrimination in some way or another because of our “femaleness-” our ASSIGNED femaleness. (Something that got thrown at me was the idea of female socialization- it’s true, I was socialized as a female bc that’s what my body “looked” like and that’s just what our society assumes). But just as there is a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being AFAB, there is also a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being mtf, and there is a very specific type of oppression that goes along with being a poc and any of those other categories. That’s at the core of intersectionality. Different parts of our identities interact with each other in different ways. People experience oppression and privilege in different ways and at different times depending on where they fall in this mix of race/class/gender/ability etc.

I also have body dysphoria, and it’s true our bodies can define a lot of our human experience (after all if I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t have dysphoria, right?? Godddd what a life). But also because I have dysphoria, I do not think that our bodies should be the defining characteristic of our identities. Bodies and presentation can cause a lot of our social interactions- including oppression- but I think to say woman and woman’s experience = female body is quite a limited summary of the issue with little nuance, and it’s also quite limiting with the way our society is changing. This is why I heavily prefer terms like assigned female at birth. This can imply that such a person may have had a socially female experience (like me) in part due to their body, and thus was socially assigned to be a female, but just... also isnt a woman for some reason or another.

I also think that what we strive to do is not to ignore history (I think very few people are denying the way women have been treated in history, and are still treated to this day) but we hope to build from it. I think that’s why feminism and gender studies get lumped together. A lot of feminist activists/scholars (many were both at the same time) led our current strides into gender constructivism. I studied a lot of gender essentialism when I started my thesis, and to be honest, I saw the point behind it in the context of the time, but we’ve shifted in understanding and context since then.

And, in full disclosure, at the start of this whole adventure, (and i am SURE this will be used against me) I really did identify with being a woman. I thought it was awesome to have the body I had and when I started witchcraft I did actually fall into that really easy trap of tying the female experience to magic. (Honestly because I HATED my body and looking back that was probably a way to cope with DYSPHORIA and not the other way around). And isn’t inherently harmful to have a working magical relationship with your body like that, but it is harmful when you think and say that’s the only way people can exist and the only way people can be magical. But over time, I just started to change. Nothing traumatic happened, I’ve been incredibly fortunate and privileged my entire life, it’s not a coping mechanism, I just started to identify with womanhood less and less, for no real particular reason- nothing about me personality or preference-wise changed. Just my own internal view of myself.

I also got the words for gender euphoria. And I noticed more and more that, if I was being honest with myself, that that was always how I had truly felt. While it’s true gender roles shouldn’t exist, just like any other role or label, it’s different when someone chooses that role for themselves versus when they have it thrust upon them. As a child, like many other AFAB children, I had the idea of womanhood thrust upon me, with all the roles and stereotypes that went along with it. It’s fucked up in the first place, don’t get me wrong, but I knew people who embraced these fullheartedly, I knew people who didn’t. But some people who didn’t still identified with womanhood, others became ftm, others became mtf. I had “woman” thrust upon me, didn’t identify with it, rebelled against it, tried to rationalize it by accepting that I could be a “woman” without falling into gender stereotypes because there is no ONE correct way to be a woman (which there ISN’T), still didn’t feel right, did a full 180 and started buying pink lingerie and worshipped Aphrodite, that worked for a while and was overall a positive experience that helped me hate myself a little less, but at the end of the day, no matter what I did, I still did not identify as a woman. What does happen to me, however? I get a burst of euphoria when I am called a boy. That makes me feel like I’m being really seen. I actually resonate with that after years of not resonating at all with womanhood no matter how I sliced it, and that’s why it feels so fucking good. I tried to identify as a woman. Believe me, I tried like all fucking hell. Even though my presentation is still read as mostly female (I would disagree strongly with it but alas society and their fucking gender roles), I am quite the feminine boy-something to me, and I don’t have to justify that to anyone.

So TL;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism, I have lived a life full of very accepting, open-minded people and I won’t deny that I have that privilege, but in spite of that i STILL did not view myself as a woman, no matter how hard I tried. I’ve actually generally accepted my body except on the days my dysphoria makes me want to throw my boobs across the room, I don’t think it’s denying history if we’re building from it, gender roles are fucked up. I recognize that my experience being AFAB- and others who are AFAB- comes along with a particular type of oppression, but that’s why I prefer the term AFAB because it indicates the experience you’re talking about while also leaving it open to considering other experiences like my own and the experiences of other trans and nb folks. In a few years AFAB might be outdated as a term and then we’ll find more terms to help figure this whole mess out.

TL;DR;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism and anyone is welcome to think that this is simply part of the horrible fallout of female socialization, and anyone is welcome to think that i’m mentally ill for identifying like this. people can think or say all they want about me but it won’t change the fact that I’m a boy-something and it won’t change all the years I struggled trying to figure that out.

Thank you for allowing me to write this all out, I think I really needed to. This is something that had been floating in my brain forever, and explaining it all to you actually made my thoughts that much clearer.

Now everyone who sees this- please respect my wishes and please don’t clown in these notes if it spreads. I’m tired enough about this as it is today. I’m tired enough about fucking gender as it is. We’re all fucking tired. What I’ve shared today is about me and me alone and I want to keep it that way.

#gender stuff #discourse #seriously i know people are gonna comment on this but i wanted to share it bc i thought it was important to say #but i REALLY don't want other people wrapped up in MY OWN issues and identity #anon #asks

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altik-0 · 4 years

Text

Personal Revelation

I've spent the last two weeks trying to figure out how to write this post, but my mind has felt like it's tumbling around a washing machine and trying to figure out how to straighten my thoughts into a coherent message has felt impossible. But I'm driving myself crazy continuing to hold off on saying something, so I'm going to just rip off the bandage now, and we can talk in more depth after the cut.

Hi! 👋 I'm Asexual and Aromantic! Let's talk about it.

Where to even start

This month has been a fucking trip.

On the one hand, this has been the fourth month of nearly continuous quarantine for the COVID-19 pandemic. On the other, the end of May was the spark that began a wildfire of protests against police brutality that have swept across the country, including the seemingly milquetoast land of Salt Lake City. I found myself simultaneously figuring out the umpteenth way to keep myself entertained while being in home nearly uninterrupted for over 90 days, while also desperately searching for the courage to exit my home and join the marches against injustice.

And in the background of all of this, it was Pride Month.

On the 12th, a Youtube creator I follow released a video about their experience discovering themselves as non-binary. You should watch it, but what is important for the sake of this post is that the bulk of the video is an asynchronous telling of various moments throughout their life that, in reflection, show them that "[they] were who [they] are now, back then". These moments form a tapestry that tell a story of self discovery, and the result is incredibly powerful.

They released a rough cut about a week earlier for Patreon supporters, and I was immediately transfixed. I watched it three times in a row on the first day it was uploaded. I watched it twice more after the release. Hell, when I pulled this video up now to get the share link I couldn't help but sit and watch through it all over again.

At first I didn't really know why I felt so attached to this piece in particular. Yet still, I spent multiple nights laying awake for hours in what felt like a dreamlike haze at the time. It took three nights like this for me to realize I had spent all this time reflecting on my own past moments, and revisiting them through the lens this video had shared with me.

How I got here

It is September 2005. I am currently at a school dance. I know I am supposed to be finding someone to dance with and enjoy that for some reason, but all I want to do is go home. I might consider mustering up some courage and just asking someone, anyone, to dance, if it weren't for the fact that I still didn't have any friends. Instead, I feel trapped, wandering up and down the side wall, waiting for it to be over so I can finally leave. I stumble across a small group also sitting on the sides; a girl reading manga, and another playing Yu-Gi-Oh! with a boy across from her. I approach: "I didn't realize anyone still played this" They invite me to join, and soon I find myself with genuine friends at school for the first time in years. I never think about asking someone to dance again.

It is the summer of 2017. I am at a bar with some coworkers at the end of the week. I don't drink, but I've opened myself up to joining people for happy hour because it feels like a good way to socialize, and I've genuinely enjoyed getting to know folks. My team lead makes a comment that he feels it's impossible for a man and a woman to ever have a friendly relationship without having some element of sexual tension between them. I rebuff this comment -- initially I feel a sense of feminist frustration at the concept, as if it is implicitly saying that men and women should not work together. As the conversation continues, I realize the real reason I feel so sure this is wrong is because I have never felt this way toward anyone I've worked with.

It is the summer of 2008. I am in church, listening to the new instructor for my Sunday school class shift the discussion towards politics. Since he began, every lesson without fail will eventually derail into right-wing screeds. For him, any issue that is even vaguely left-leaning is a potential avenue for Satan to take hold of you: feminism, activism, even environmentalism. But lately he has had a particular fixation on the topic of gay marriage, and it is beginning to take a toll on my mental health. Being in these classes, hearing a man in a position of authority repeatedly say "it is not that we shouldn't love these people, but we need to still understand that they are committing a sin" has become physically painful to listen to. Of course, I am not queer, just an ally -- I can only imagine how painful this must be for those who are directly affected. I will nearly pass out from exhaustion and anxiety during sacrament meeting a few hours later.

It is February 2020. I am out to lunch with a friend and coworker. I have just recently changed jobs after less than a year, because I was hopelessly miserable at my last one. It should have been a dream job, marrying two of my closest passions, but instead I felt suffocated by being in a world where everyone seemed indifferent towards me at best, or actively hated me at worst. My friend invited me to join this job, and although it is a miserable job, I find solace in being able to go to lunch and have genuine conversations with someone I get along with. He mentions his wife is pregnant, and the stress of tending for his current child while she is resting. I acknowledge the frustration, though somewhat awkwardly since I am still single. "Oh, yeah, I sometimes forget you aren't married yet, haha. Well, don't worry, you'll get to join in on the fun soon enough!" I want to say "I very much doubt that"; instead I say "Well, I guess we'll see." The conversation does not feel so genuine anymore.

It is January 2009. I am watching House M.D. with my dad. We bond a lot while watching tv. We're both avid fans of MST3K, and we are invariably the obnoxious people in a movie theater a few rows down cracking jokes throughout the film. It feels fun and rebellious, even if we're doing it at home where nobody will be annoyed. This episode starts with Foreman and Thirteen waking up together in bed after clearly spending the night together. My dad cracks a joke about how "they're going to get in trouble, since they aren't married!" I quip back "nah, it's not a big deal, they just slept together, haha." My dad pauses the show and turns to me, deadly serious: "Who told you that was okay?!" I am a deer in headlights. I suddenly realize that I meant "slept together" literally, but nobody else uses it that way. I don't understand how I missed that.

It is October 2010. I am at home, speaking with my mother after coming home from school. She has always been a political firebrand, and especially after I left the church and started college the two of us have connected on this a lot. She has just read an article that mentioned the expanded acronym "LGBTQIA", and says she doesn’t know what all the "I" and "A" refer to. I don't yet know what the "I" refers to, but I suggest the "A" is probably for "asexual". She says she hadn't heard of asexuality, though that does make sense. I realize I don't recall hearing about asexuality before either. I don't actually know if anyone identifies like that. It just somehow feels like something that must exist.

It is the spring of 2007. I am at a local game store playing at a Friday Night Magic event for the first time. I suffer from very extreme social anxiety, and I spent the entire week a ball of nervous energy. Despite myself, I have managed to drive myself to the event and register. I have promised myself dozens of times over that I already knew Magic players were people similar to me, so there was no reason to worry. My first match is against someone wearing a frilly dress, cat ears, and tail. She mews at me several times while playing. On the surface I have frozen and only robotically go through motions of playing the game because my anxiety has boiled over to the point that I cannot quite function properly. Inside, I am filled with pure delight at realizing that someone could feel comfortable expressing themselves that openly in a space like this. I eventually become friends with this person who I will later learn is trans -- I had never met a trans person before. I will become close friends with three more trans people, at least two enbies, and countless other queer people over the next decade of playing this wonderful game.

It is November 2019. I am at work, sitting at my desk, feeling completely numb despite starting the day energetic to the point of mania. I've just had an argument with a close friend -- perhaps the closest friend I've ever had -- and it ended... poorly, to put it mildly. So poorly, in fact, that it is safe to say we are just not friends anymore. The reality was that there were always problems between us, and this was a culmination of conflict that never really got effectively resolved. It might not have even been possible to resolve. In the moment, though, I cannot escape the suffocating feeling that I am a failure as a human being; someone who simply does not know how to maintain a relationship. My mind goes through loops of how I could have said something differently to have it end better. The emotional pain will not fully make sense to me until several months later, when I realize this was the closest thing to a break-up that I've ever experienced.

It is January 2012. I am watching House M.D. with my dad again. Since leaving the church, watching shows like this has been a desperate lifeline for our relationship. We don't joke as much anymore. This episode features a side plot with an asexual couple, who House determines is simply impossible, and uses his power of supreme logic to prove the asexuality wasn't real all along. I have heard of asexuality, though I don't know where or when, so I am angry at this. Of course, as an ally. I want to joke with my dad to release some frustration, but he is still in the church, and I don’t think he will empathize. I stay silent, and do not enjoy this episode.

It is December 2019. I am scrolling through a Discord channel I was invited to from one of the leftist creators I follow. This community has been a breath of fresh air in many ways, and one I found surprisingly helpful was an NSFW adult content chat channel where people are open about sex, fetishes, and more. I've considered myself fairly open-minded and sex-positive, but I'm still a virgin at 28 so I've found there is a lot I just don't know about. Today, someone has started a conversation about what qualifies as "taboo" and relating it to kink-shaming. Another member replies, mentioning they are asexual and find the whole notion of taboos being kind of bizarre. My mind reels at seeing someone who identifies as asexual in this chat. Over time I find out there are several other people who identify at least gray-ace in this chat, some who even draw risque artwork for commission. I realize how little I actually understood about what asexuality really was, and begin scouring the internet for articles and wikis on asexuality.

It is April 2010. I am at an Apollo Burger across the street from the local game store where I am playing in a Magic prerelease. My friends I followed over are talking about weekend plans, and one of them makes a joke about doing some chores to butter up his partner to have sex. The joke does not go over my head -- I am straight, and understand sex, even if I am still a virgin -- but I still can't help but think out loud: "You know, I just don't get why people make such a big deal out of sex." The awkwardness and confused looks are suffocating. I drop the topic immediately.

It is June 2020. I have just watched a video from an enby Youtube creator about their experience discovering their own gender identity. Over the next three days I will see every one of these past experiences, along with hundreds of others, flash before my eyes in rapid succession, over and over, until I begin to realize that I haven't allowed myself to truly identify how I do. Every time I asked "am I asexual?" in the past, I would dismiss it because I understood sex and have a sex drive. Once I actually researched asexuality, though, I almost immediately found stories of people who identify as ace and still experience a sex drive. I also discover a lot of stories from aromantic people that sound painfully similar to feelings I hadn't even realized were not the norm. For the first time I begin to realize I may not just be an ally.

So what does this mean

I came to a sense of satisfaction with living alone and single a long time ago. At first this came with a certain level of shame, because I felt like it was only because I was too cowardly to enter the dating scene and try to find a relationship for myself. Over time the impact of the shame diminished, but it never went away; it just became a quiet background noise that I got accustomed to pushing back.

But now that I feel comfortable calling myself "Aromantic", I don't feel any shame. A romantic relationship is simply something I don't need. Instead, I can focus on fostering the kinds of deep relationships that do feed my soul. That will likely be a difficult thing to do -- awkwardly traversing intimacy was something most people worked through as a teenager or young adult, and I'm nearly 30, haha. But it at least feels possible now.

But really the biggest change for me is that I feel like I can be honest and public about who I am in a way I never was before. Simply being open about this piece of my identity somehow feels important if for no other reason than to let other people who felt like I did growing up that they aren't alone.

So... yeah. I'm aroace. And I always have been.

#coming out #aroace #aromantic #asexual #pride #god it's nice to have an emotional post that doesn't need to be tagged as garbage for once

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