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starstruckkittensweets · 1 year

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“Letters to My Love” | Hanji x Reader

Fandom: Attack on Titan Pairing: Hanji x Reader Words: 4k

A/N: This is a self-indulgent, completely unfiltered, messy little fic that deals with my love for Hanji. Ever since I started reading AoT back in 2015, I’ve had a soft spot for Hanji. My little ray of sunshine, one of my first comfort characters, the one character I could actually see myself becoming friends with in real life. Seeing her death finally animated (beautifully) brought a lot of feelings forward. She was brave and gorgeous and kind and absolutely amazing. It actually feels like I’m saying farewell to a close friend of mine. And so this messy fic was born, mostly unedited but with a lot of my personal feelings channeled into the reader’s POV. You can read this as either a platonic or romantic relationship, whatever floats your boat. I hope you enjoy the fic!

Warnings: lots of angst, major character death, implied reader death, some blood and violence, struggling to cope with grief, post-war/post-snk 139 world, Hanji is referred to as female with she/her pronouns

THIS FIC CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR AOT S4 PART 3 (AND THE UPCOMING PART 4) AND SNK 139! PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT ALL CAUGHT UP, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

It’s all so stupid. A stupid idea, a stupid reason behind it, a stupid man telling you about it in the first place. Why even bother with this in the first place? It’s not like it’ll help you in the long run.

But Falco’s still staring up at you with those big eyes, the slightest quiver of his lip, arms stretched out towards your own.

“Please?” His voice is unnaturally soft; it might be the lighting, but you can almost see a tear in those huge eyes. “At least try it, won’t you? I promise, you’ll feel better. Just like Dad says.”

You don’t have the heart to tell the kid his father’s full of shit, just like everyone else in this horrible world. Nothing’s left for you to enjoy, nothing you can cling to during the tough times. Those days are gone, the memories of bliss vanishing with every passing day.

But he looks so sad, so fucking hopeful, as though he still believes you can do it. You can lift this crushing weight off your chest with just a pen, some paper, and a few words every day.

“…Fine.” He practically shoves the dusty old notebook into your chest with a smile. “I’ll give it a shot.”

You’ll try, but you already know it’s a waste of time.

I’m not good at this. Writing’s never been my strong suit—not when it comes to other people. But you already know knew that, didn’t you?

Mr. Grice gave me the idea. Says writing everything down is a lot better than saying it out loud sometimes. Falco said the same thing; he still writes to his brother every other week.

I don’t understand why. It’s not like I’ll ever send them, they’re just gonna sit in my desk collecting dust. But I told Falco I’d try for him. He’s a sweet kid, I can see why you like liked him. Sorry, it’s a habit.

I don’t know what else to say. I guess I’ll try again tomorrow.

It’s me again. Onyankopon came to visit again. He checks up on me at least once every week. Same day, same time. It’s like he doesn’t trust me. Maybe he’s just looking out for me. That’s what Levi says.

Things are slowly going back to normal. He says it’s been almost five months since you left the battle. It’ll be spring soon. This winter hasn’t been too bad though. I miss the snow a little bit. Maybe one day we can go further north to see some next year. I know Gabi and Falco would enjoy it.

I can’t think of anything else to write down. I’m sure I’ll be back soon though.

Mundane topics. What you ate today. Who you saw at the market. The stories Gabi and Falco would make up whenever they were bored.

It’s all so stupid, but you write it down anyway. Stuff she’d like, stuff she wouldn’t like. Not her name, never her name. You can’t bear to say it out loud, not even spell out the letters without bursting into a fit of sobs. What’s the point, anyway? Not like she’s here to answer her own name anymore.

Still, you keep writing. Every day, at least something goes down in that little brown notebook. You’re the only one who reads it. Mr. Grice refuses to, says it’s for your eyes only. Falco sometimes shares what he’s written to his brother, but only when the two of you are alone. He has a little brown book of his own, same shape and size too. Always keeps it in the first drawer of his nightstand, same place you keep yours.

The days crawl by. Every breath hurts less and less. Slowly but surely, you wonder if you’re actually getting better.

I thought of you today. The kids wanted to stop in a bookstore during our shopping trip so I let them. They can be so eager and hyper when they want to be. (Why can’t they be like that when it comes to their chores?)

They both went for the bookshelf in the far corner. Books about the world; about weapons, inventions, plants, animals, experiments, I couldn’t keep track of how many there were. And the kids just sat there for hours, leafing through book after book. I ended up leaving just to drop off the groceries at home before heading back to pick them up. And when I got there they were still poring over those dusty, wrinkled pages.

You would like the bookstore. It’s on the smaller side but it doesn’t feel crowded. It’s got a few benches for people to sit and read for a bit, and there’s a café right next door too. But when I told Levi about it he got a little snippy; I think he’s jealous, his tea shop will always be superior.

He’s doing okay, I know you’re probably worried about him. His leg still gives him trouble but he’s getting better every day. He gave me a job after the shop opened a few weeks ago. Right now I’m just cleaning off tables and fixing up pastries in the back. Gabi handles inventory with Levi (she’s actually pretty good at it) and Falco takes care of the customers up front. He has the best attitude out of all of us, I think. The job is a bit boring sometimes but it beats killing Titans, using ODM gear, being a soldier

Never mind. I’ll write more later, I have to go for now. I’ll be back.

It’s really warm today. I keep thinking about that summer we spent in Krolva, in 848. You kept hunting for strange plants and flowers in the forest and had me and Moblit chasing after you all day! But you didn’t stop, not even when Levi threatened to knock you out and haul you back to base.

Sometimes I can still see Erwin’s smile, hear Mike and Nanaba’s laughter, feel the light summer breeze against my face.

I can still remember the way you said my name. I miss hearing the sound of your voice.

For the first time in a long while, you wake up with a smile on your face.

Your cheeks are stained with tears, still. You haven’t gone to sleep silently once in the past six months or so. Always stuffing your face into the pillow, muffling your sobs, praying neither Levi nor the kids hear you being so pathetic.

Your head is pounding, throat tight but chest feeling lighter than ever. You have to write it down, you don’t wanna forget, don’t forget—

The notebook is resting on your dresser. Your hands still shake when you reach for it, almost clatters to the floor when you try to pick it up. The pen leaps from your trembling fingers. The first words you write are barely legible, but you don’t stop writing for anything.

I had a dream about you last night. I can’t remember everything but I know you were in it and you were still alive smiling.

Still had both eyes, silly girl.

None of our comrades were there; no Levi, Moblit, or Mike. Just me and you, sitting on the rooftop of the old Survey Corps base, watching the stars twinkle above us. Your arm was so warm against my shoulders. Your messy hair tickling my cheek. You were laughing about something, I can’t remember what. But you looked so happy, so carefree and joyful. You haven’t looked that relaxed in years.

You whispered something in my ear, and my throat exploded with laughter. You held me close, lips brushing my cheek, eyes shining in the glowing moonlight.

You were happy, so I was happy.

But then I woke up, you were gone, and I was cold again.

Summer’s almost halfway over. The tea shop has been busier, Levi seems to enjoy the success. He’s still not very sociable but he’s learning to be more pleasant with the customers. They’ll keep coming back if he’s not rude to them all the time.

The town is expanding. Onyankopon thinks one of the nearby cities will start offering jobs, either railroad work or seamstress positions. A lot of factory jobs will start coming back too, and they’ll pay well. He says I could apply, just to keep my hands busy. Says it’s good to get out of the country once in a while.

Still undecided, I’d be going alone. Levi refuses, he hates the idea of city living, and he has the tea shop to worry about. The kids would stay with them; Gabi doesn’t like the smell of smoke, and Falco wouldn’t go anywhere without her. I can go, I don’t have anything tying me down.

What do you think I should do?

Four weeks left. It’s getting harder and harder to keep writing. I thought it would get easier, like Falco said. But I still feel that horrible pit deep in my chest. A weight that’s making it harder to breathe every day.

I don’t know what to do. I’m a burden. I can’t do anything on my own anymore. It’s always Levi or Onyankopon who’s there to hold my hand. Always Gabi and Falco to bring me back, remind me I have to keep living, to keep my head out of the clouds. But sometimes I wish I could run away. Leave it all behind. Maybe that city idea doesn’t seem so bad.

I wish you were here with me.

August 22nd. Two weeks to go.

Levi’s been quieter nowadays. Onyankopon isn’t as eager when he’s talking about the recovering towns and cities. Even the kids are more solemn than usual.

Still hoping this is all a bad dream. That I’ll wake up and you’ll be at my side, smiling and laughing like you do. Not a single care in the world.

The calendar is torn to shreds, left on the kitchen table for everyone to see. Gabi is utterly silent, a far cry from her usual loudmouthed self. Falco is quick to pull her aside as you storm past them, down the hall and into your room, slamming the door with a thud.

Burying your face in your hands. Chest wracked with sobs. Throat burning as her name rips itself from your mouth.

Hanji.

Stop it.

Your back hits the wall, knees buckling beneath your weight. Nails tear at the roots of your hair, scraping down your cheeks, eyes growing warm even though you keep them shut.

Hanji.

Another scream, you throw yourself against the wall. Your shoulder collides with the bookcase, but the pain doesn’t help. Nothing helps you anymore, not even writing in that shitty little book—

Someone’s calling your name on the other side of the door. Tiny fists pound on the wood; the knob twists and turns in vain. You made sure to lock it after coming in here.

Stop it. Can’t they see you want to be left alone?

Alone. You’re all alone now. You have no one left.

No parents, no children, no comrades…

And no other half.

Hanji.

“Stop it!” But you can still hear her name, swirling around in your head, a chorus of a thousand voices.

Hanji, Hanji, Hanji.

“Leave me alone!”

Something shatters against the wall. Your palm stings with something fierce, a shadow of red seeping from the skin.

The book, the book, where is it? Where did you put it?

There it is—right on your bed where you left it last. You’re scrambling over broken glass to grab at it, bloody fingers clutching the pen stuck between the pages. The tears are hot against your cheeks. Hurt like nothing else, not even the pain in your chest.

And they just keep on coming as you keep on writing.

Why did you leave me? Why did you have to go? Why did you have to kill kill yourself like that?

We could’ve handled it. Without your help. Maybe if you’d let us you’d still be alive with me. If you’d just trusted me—why didn’t you trust me? I trusted you, why didn’t you return the favor?

It’s your fault I’m like this now. I was fine before but then you fucked it all up.

Did you think you were some kind of hero? You’re not. Going out in a blaze of glory? Selfish asshole.

You’re not. You never were. You left me and now I’m alone and I hate

I hate you.

I hate you I hate you I hate you didn’t have to leave me but you did and now I hate you I can’t believe I love loved you how could I ever love someone so selfish fuck you so selfish

I HATE YOU

YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DIE WHY AREN’T YOU HERE WITH ME ANYMORE WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU LEAVE TO MAKE YOU GO WHY WHY WHY

I STILL HATE YOU

Levi finds you hours later. Sitting on the floor at the foot of your bed, hands trembling against your knees. The book is lying halfway across the room. Must’ve thrown it earlier.

He heaves a sigh, dragging his hand across his scarred face. And despite the ache in his leg he still kneels down to your level, taking a seat beside you against the bed. Wrapping up your hands in one of the spare shirts you tore from the dresser just minutes before.

“Brats were worried,” he finally says, and he sounds so fucking tired. There’s an inkling of guilt blooming in your chest. Such a burden to him, as always. “Said you’d run off and started crying.”

“…So?”

He rolls his eyes, focusing on your bloodied hands. They’re dry now, and he makes a sound of disgust in the back of his throat.

Eventually he pulls you on your feet, leads you to the washroom and runs your hands under the warm water. He wraps up your hands in some clean bandages; over his shoulder you can see two sets of eyes staring at you from down the hall. One brown, one hazel.

“Quit beating yourself up like this. That’s not what she died for, brat. And don’t ask me,” he snaps when I open my mouth, “what she died for. Because you and I both know the answer to that. …So don’t make me say it.”

You’re still blubbering like a child, fat tears rolling down your cheeks, splashing onto the clean bandages around your hands. Levi sighs again before pulling you in close, one arm looped around your shoulders. His chest is warm, heart strong against your palm.

But it’s nothing compared to hers—and the thought makes you cry even harder.

“I get it.” His lips are warm against your forehead, hand cupping around the back of your head. “I miss her, too.”

You’re not sure when he makes you leave the washroom. But once he does he brings you down to the kitchen, giving Gabi and Falco each a pat on their heads. You give them a smile, tears still fresh in your eyes, before gathering the torn pieces of the calendar in your bruised hands.

Maybe you can fix this. It’s the fifth of September, after all. Not a day you want to forget just yet.

I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, I swear on my life. I wanna rip those pages out but I’ll lose the other letters and I don’t want to lose them like I lost you.

I don’t hate you. You’re not selfish, you never were. I know you did the best you could as Commander of the Survey Corps, with the incredible weight on your shoulders. Your main priority was always keeping us safe and giving us hope.

I know why you left that day. But I wish you hadn’t left me behind. I could’ve gone with you, helped you out that day. We could still be together dead or alive.

I love you. I wish I could’ve said it when you were still alive with me. I wish I could say it to your face instead of writing it down in a dusty old notebook.

I love you. I miss you. I wish I could see your smile one last time. Hear your voice again. See the beautiful shine in your eyes.

Because I love you, and I always have. Maybe someday I’ll see you again and tell you face-to-face. Maybe by then I won’t be such a coward.

Hope you enjoy your birthday up there.

Every day brings something new. Smells, tastes, sounds, even the wind outside is different every day. People passing each other hour after hour, car horns filling your ears, the sting of smoke deep in your lungs; it’s easy to get lost in the atmosphere.

You take it in stride. Onyankopon is standing there, holding out his hand, ready to guide you deeper into the city. He’s offered to carry your suitcase but you insisted you do it yourself; too many memories are stuffed in between the clothes inside.

You suck in a breath and take his hand. A little awkward, with a suitcase in your other hand, and the old tattered notebook resting in the crook of your elbow. But the damn thing has already wormed its way into your heart, no way are you leaving it behind now.

A tight swallow, a soft smile from Onyankopon, as you let him lead you towards the next chapter of your life.

City life isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. It’s busy and crowded but it keeps me looking forward. No time to dwell on the past here. Maybe that’s why Onyankopon was so adamant about me living here.

There’s a bookstore here, much larger than the one back home where Levi and the kids live. It pays well, the owner’s nice, and she lets me borrow some of her own books from her personal collection from time to time.

She wears glasses too—not as cute as yours, though.

I try to visit Levi and the kids every other weekend. Gabi and Falco come to visit once in a while but Levi always stays behind. Blames it on the bad leg but we both know the truth. Too many bad memories of Mitras has made him wary of crowded cities.

But I like it. I have my own apartment, right next door to Onyankopon’s, with a balcony and a slew of potted plants. Onyankopon says some people like to name their plants just for the fun of it. The two sitting on the windowsill are Sawney and Bean. (You’re welcome, silly girl.)

It’s hard work but I’m getting better. I don’t dread writing in this book anymore. I can think of your smile without bursting into tears. For now I’m content to sit back and enjoy city life, until whatever god watching over us decides my time is up.

I promise to write soon; have to head to work now. I’ll be back.

It’s been a year since you left me. I still want to see you again.

Onyankopon and I are heading into town for a few days to visit Levi. He says he doesn’t need help around the shop but he never complains whenever I show up at his door. Sometimes I wonder if he feels obligated to put up with me. If he thinks you’ll haunt him forever if he turns me away. That sounds like something you would do, silly girl.

I had another dream about you last night. Right after the celebration for Shiganshina, the night before the expedition to reclaim Wall Maria. We were laughing and drinking and sharing old stories—but we weren’t alone. Erwin and Levi were there. So was Moblit, and by some miracle, so were Mike and Nanaba.

I hope we’ll all be together again soon. I hope they’re all watching us, waiting to see what we’ll do with this new world we’ve forged for ourselves.

I know you are. You’re always watching, aren’t you?

I have to go now, or Onyankopon will head out without me. I’ll let you know how Levi and the kids are when I come home.

Miss you more every day. I hope I’ll get to see you again soon. Until then, I’ll just have to keep writing these silly little letters. I think you’d like them anyways.

See you later, Hanji.

It’s bright when you open your eyes. Too bright, a soft breeze kissing your cheeks, nose scrunching up as you shield your face with your hands. Funny, you don’t remember leaving the window open when you fell asleep. Or sleeping outside, for that matter.

You’re lying in the grass, a bed of wildflowers sprawled beneath you. There’s a forest at the edge of the valley, close enough for you to see the shadows of animals spilling across the trees. The sun is warm on your skin, so bright and beautiful, not a single cloud in the sky.

Almost too good to be true.

Is this it? Have you finally reached the end of your line? All those days with Levi, Onyankopon, and the kids, moving from town to city for work, seeing what little of the new world you could for both you and your other half…

Has your time finally run out?

“Hey, over here!”

Your blood freezes in your veins. A shadow crosses yours in the warm sunlight. A heavy cape blows in the wind, a dark green to match the forest beyond the meadow.

A pair of wings splashed against the fabric. Messy brown hair tied up haphazardly. Shiny glasses reflecting in the sun. Warm brown eyes that remind you of home.

“I was wondering when you’d get here. It’s been kinda lonely, I have to say…”

Hanji Zoe is standing right there in front of you, looking as radiant as ever. No scars or bruises to be seen, nor the black patch over her left eye. No burns or charred fabric on her body.

She looks…happy. Safe, content.

Alive.

“…Dumbass,” you finally find your voice, rushing into her outstretched arms. “You had me worried sick! Are you hurt? Can I do anything for you? I swear, I won’t let you go anywhere alone ever again! I’ll be right there by your side for as long as you—”

“Hey, hey, hey, come on now! You’re gonna make me blush with all that sweet talk!”

But you can’t stop yourself. And before you know it you’re sobbing into her chest, arms wrapped tight around her wrist, feeling the soft b-bmp of her heart against your ear.

“Love you, you know that? I love you, so please don’t leave me again…”

You’ll say it over and over, as many times as she wants to hear it. But for right now she’s silent, her arms resting around your waist and shoulders, tugging you in for a bone-crushing hug. Her messy hair is tickling your nose again, her smile could rival the sun in the sky. She shakes her head and lets out a laugh, before pressing a warm kiss to the apple of your cheek.

“I won’t ever leave you again, alright? I’m sorry about that, I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t mean to leave you like that…”

You hold her tighter, knocking her down into the wildflowers below. She lets out a real laugh this time, hair sticking out like a halo above her head, palms against your cheeks. For the first time in months—no, years—your chest feels whole again.

“I know you didn’t. It’s okay, I promise, it’s okay…”

A comforting silence washes over the two of you. It’s so warm right here, in this little meadow of your own, surrounded by a thousand wildflowers. She’s finally safe in your arms, after all these years, and you are never letting her go ever again.

“…I love you, Hanji.”

“I know,” she answers with a smile that makes your heart soar, “and I love you too.”

#hanji x reader #hanji zoe x reader #hange x reader #hange zoe x reader #hanji zoe #hange zoe #aot season 4 #aot spoilers #aot season 4 part 3 spoilers #aot season 4 part 3 #snk 132 #snk spoilers #snk 139 #aot fics

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odysseywritings · 11 months

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The Church

@flashfictionfridayofficial @howdywrites

(tw blood and gore)

The quartet of zombie survivors walked away from the struggle with bloodied wounds barely covered by bandages. They needed a place to hold out and recover and it certainly wasn't going to be out in the open as dusk approached. The bloody red sun overlooking the cruel southwest desert signalled the frozen chill of night creeping in. By serendipity, the sun was toward the direction of a church with lights still on.

"Yay, someone is still alive!" the pink dyed Gabi beamed.

"Finally," the large stetson wearing Rhonda grinned. "Was afraid Tess was gonna fly away with th' wind!"

"Hush it," the tiny, gray flanneled woman said. "This is holy ground, and I don't want y'all talking like heathens while we're finally blessed."

A long haired man wearing denim and brown leather observed the pile of zombies dead and impaled while posed in upside down cross formations.

"I love what they've done with the place," Ken quipped. "Really feeling the love of God here."

Tess groaned, "Lord, forgive them and their foolishness."

Gabi knocked on the door and yelled to say they were in need of a safe house. There was no coherent answer, only some mumbled sighs. She looked at the others who were also confused, yet the chill was grating on their skin, and they chose to enter anyway.

The cobwebs and chipped pews contrasted with the ornate church's stained glass filled with colorful hagiography that felt at home to Gabi and Tess, while Ken was impressed by the artistry, and Rhonda was apathetic to it all. They looked around to find the sound's source, a constant moaning that echoed throughout the building, causing Gabi to shiver and Rhonda to aim her shotgun. Tess found a separate room and found a kneeled woman in a nun's habit sulking.

"Sister? You're alright now. We're not bit."

Gabi stepped in to see the nun and bent down to comfort her, but Tess put her arm out in case it was a trap.

"What's your name?"

With a long exhale, the woman slowly got up and looked at them, and saw Ken and Rhonda enter as she ambled over.

"I am Sister Amanda. I am the only one who has been saved in this great judgement. I hope you four are not the Horsemen come to lay waste to me."

"Hell no," Rhonda barked as Ken raised a brow at the nun's words. "But if we were, I call War, because that's the most badass one!"

"Rhonda," Tess sighed. "Sorry, Sister. We didn't mean to intrude, but night's closing in, and we needed a refuge."

"I understand. But before I let you all stay, you must do me a favor, and that is to confess your sins. It is how I remained safe from this awful plague. I insist you do the same lest the horrible curse outside befalls you all."

Rhonda rolled her eyes while Tess and Gabi obliged with Ken out of sight.

"I don't mind, Sister," Tess said. "I ain't going too private since I'm with company, but... I did a kill a man before all this. A real snake who tried to get more than he deserved."

"I killed a few m'self, ya ain't that special" Rhonda chimed as Tess glared at her. "What? Y'all wanted confessions..."

Gabi twiddled her fingers and stepped up. "I... turned a blind eye to someone being attacked. I was just so scared and didn't know what to do!"

Tess put her hand around Gabi's and Amanda gave a small smile with hands outstretched.

"Thank you all. I know now what people you are all. How un-Christian and sinful you are."

"Excuse me," Tess stared daggers at her. "Then what was all that confession shit for?"

"Call it introspection," Amanda said with a sluggish smile and heavy eyes. "You will need it in this coming Rapture. Murderers and cowards need to be reminded of their guilt if they seek salvation."

"What are you even saying," Gabi cried in confusion. "We messed up but we're doing what we can! How dare you be sanctimonious!"

"I can beat that smugness right out of 'er," Rhonda cracked her knuckles.

"You may say your barbs, but I am protected, for my deeds are only to the evil and soulless you saw before trespassing on this land. You three-"

Her heart dropped and a chill went down her spine.

"Wait, there was a fourth one. A young man. Where did he go?"

"Ladies?" Ken shouted from below, causing the others to be concerned.

Rhonda grabbed Amanda by the arm and escorted her to where Ken was. He found a cellar hidden by tapestry and went down and saw a sight that rendered him speechless and cold. The others followed his path and saw what he discovered.

Bodies of slashed clergy and churchgoers were laid neatly in a row. Many were only recently rotting and three were smaller and younger than the rest.

Ken pointed at the limbs and necks. "No bite marks."

Amanda lost balance and felt her vision distorted and swirling. She retreated to a pew and rested on her side.

"The Lord will forgive me. He always will. He knows what I had to do. They all committed grave sins. To use the apocalypse as an excuse for impure and unholy acts. To abuse all of His love. To abuse all of His laws. To abuse all of His charity."

She rambled on as nightfall pressured them to throw her outside, in her nearly catatonic state, damning her to the outside world come Hell or high water. The group had varying degrees of guilt, with Ken and Rhonda feeling no sympathy for Amanda, Gabi feeling terribly sick, and Tess thinking about their safety in sleeping without a knife around their necks. They didn't hear her as they slept through the night and assumed she met her flock.

#l4d ocs #zombie apocalypse #horror #writblr #l4d fic #mywriting #njm

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daysofourlivesrecaps · 9 months

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Monday, 31 July 2023

Hey, guess what.

No, don’t bother guessing. I’ll just tell you. I was entirely right about “Leo interrupting Gwen and Dimitri’s wedding during the ‘if anyone has any objections…’ part” going absolutely nowhere.

(“Matty” is Leo, whose real name is Matt “Matty” Cooper, but only Gwen calls him this.)

I know I’ve been bitching a lot lately about feeling jerked around. And it must seem weird, given how much of this show I’ve already watched. Surely I’m used to the way soaps drag things out by now. But that’s just it — there have been occasional storylines that overstay their welcome but largely I have not felt hugely overwhelmed by that in the past year. Certainly not to the extent I have been lately.

Anyway, the only good thing to come out of this interruption is EJ and Kristen (continuing to be friends! Yay!) quietly Waldorf-and-Statlering the whole affair.

It’s not fun, but Nicole is missing it… because she’s at the hospital, picking up the results of that DNA test that Sloan already picked up when she pretended to be her. Upon realizing that her confidential file was given to someone claiming to be her, Nicole goes FULL MEGAKAREN on the poor nurse (who wasn’t even the same nurse who gave Sloan the file!)

I was never the biggest fan of Nicole in the first place (largely because she just exists to pine for Eric no matter who she’s with — unless she’s with Eric, then she pines for literally anyone else), but you really learn a lot about a person when you see how they treat someone in a service profession. And she screams at this nurse for like, three segments, never once considering that this could have been a simple clerical error. Or that a grown-ass woman who should fucking know better is actually responsible for this.

Then said grown-ass woman shows up and hands the envelope over (having first removed the damning part that says the baby is Eric’s).

Not only does this needlessly prolong this insufferable plot (MAXIMUM DRAMA ≠ a holding pattern of the same lies for months on end), but NOBODY APOLOGIZES TO THE NURSE.

Speaking of Eric, he has a chat with Roman (his dad) and Kate (most everyone’s mom) about the fact that Sloan is pregnant.

Roman is extremely unhappy about this.

And I’ve mentioned before that Roman barely has anything to do, pretty much ever, but it is well-established that he’s been extremely close with Abe for decades. (There are even occasional 80s flashbacks to back this up!) And now, having just returned from the hospital where Abe didn’t recognize him or his own immediate family, he’s pretty upset to hear that his kid is having a baby with the sister of the guy who did this to Abe. Which… is some good drama! Maybe not MAXIMUM levels, but definitely better than Roman usually gets.

He does come around pretty quickly (largely thanks to Kate, whose regular advice of “you should probably have a baby about it” was at least partially responsible for this happening in the first place).

And back at the DiMera mansion, the two couples finish tying the knot without further incident.

Dimitri and Leo have a cute moment out in the Whisper Your Secrets Foyer..

…where they are soon joined by Gwen, who wants to know what the big surprise was that they said they were planning that time it looked like they were making out.

And what they end up pulling out of their asses (STEADY, NOW) is… a honeymoon in Iceland?

Fine. It’s all going to happen off-camera anyway, so it really doesn’t matter where they say they’re going. The important thing is, nothing has changed except that now Gwen and Dimitri have been married and now Leo isn’t just a Judas but also a coward.

At least Stefan and Gabi are cute and happy.

And they always will be forever! I’m certain of it!

#days of our lives #dool #peacock #soap opera

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tortilla-of-courage · 3 years

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Skyward Sword - comparing NPC names in English and Spanish

For this I’ll be comparing mainly 2 (technically 3) translations of SkSw: English (ENG), Spanish (Latinamerica) (ESP-LA) and Spanish (Spain) (ESP-SP). If available, I’ll add the Japanese (JP) too. The spanish ones might be the same in some cases, which will be marked as (ESP). (I might also add an extra translation or two if i know them)

Link (リンク - Rinku), Zelda (ゼルダ - Zeruda) and Impa (インパ - Inpa) stay the same in all translations. Some of them have some minor changes tho (beware of slight spoilers for SkSw)

(Special thanks to @sunnylaurels for sharing the Japanese names for the Skyloft NPCs! And to @attllhak for sharing some French ones! - Really Long post under cut)

Main/Important Characters

Fi (ENG) - Fay (ESP) - ファイ (Fai) (JP)

These are basically the same, just different spelling. There’s a lot of speculation as to what Fi’s name is based on. For some reason I like to think it’s because of “Wi-Fi” but anything goes

Ghirahim (ENG) - Grahim (ESP) - ギラヒム (Girahimu) (JP)

This one’s interesting because both ‘translations’ are technically right. English follows it more “to the letter” doing “Gira” as “Ghira”, while Spanish interprets it as “Gra” since Japanese doesn’t do the two-different-consonants together thing, but overall both are the same

Groose (ENG) - Vilán (ESP-LA) - Malton (ESP-SP) - バド (Bado) (JP)

Groose, Groose, Groose. Probably the main character with the MOST changes. “Bado” seems to be referencing the Japanese pronunciation of “bird”, but could also be interpreted as “Birdo”. LA Spanish’s “Vilán” is sometimes seen as referencing the english “Villain”, but recently @/deerdroo pointed out to me it’s most definitely referencing the “Gavilán” bird, which resembles a little eagle (Wikipedia calls it a “sparrowhawk” in English). Not sure what Spain’s doing with “Malton” but I like it. And of course “Groose” follows the bird naming theme most of Skyloft has (referencing grouse and goose). Also his name in French is “Hergo”

Demise (ENG) - El Heraldo de la Muerte (ESP) - 終焉の者 (Shūen no Mono) (JP)

Okay this guy. “終焉の者” could be translated as “The One Who Brings The End”, according to @/sunnylaurels. So, in a way, I guess it makes sense for the English translation to just grab “Demise” for the name but also I feel it REALLY takes away from how it’s a Title rather than a name? He’s an ancient being, him existing as a “concept” and having no name adds a lot to his character imo. Anyways, “El Heraldo de la Muerte” would translate as “The herald of death” or “the messenger of death”, which is like really ominous i think - imagine having to fight some guy and everyone on earth calls him the messenger of death. I’d be so scared. Yes I’m very aware Demise means Death i just think it’s silly he just gets called that and that’s it. Also i keep reading it as Denise so really, who’s losing here? Not me.

As a fun add-on to this, in German his name can be translated to “Death-bringer” (thanks @/aureateart), while in French it’s Avatar du Néant, which would translate to “Avatar of the Void” (thanks @/attllhak)

The Imprisoned (ENG) - El Cautivo (ESP-LA) - El Durmiente (ESP-SP)

“El Cautivo” basically means The Imprisoned, but “El Durmiente” means “The Sleeping One”, which... fits, but also i find it a bit funny, not sure why. Fight the sleepy avocado everyone

Deities + The Surface’s Main Places’ Names

The Goddesses stay the same in these translations too:

Din (ENG, ESP) - ディン (Din) (JP)

Nayru (ENG, ESP) - ネール (Nēru) (JP)

Farore (ENG, ESP) - フロル (Furoru) (JP)

Hylia (ENG, ESP) - ハイリア (Hairia) (JP)

The dragons, for the most part, too. The only one that really changes is Faron, which changes to “Farone” much like in Twilight Princess with the Light Spirit of the same name.

Eldin (ENG, ESP) - オルディン (Orudin) (JP)

Lanayru (ENG, ESP) - ラネール (Ranēru) (JP)

Faron (ENG) - Farone (ESP) - フィローネ (Firōne) (JP)

Levias (ENG) - Narisha (ESP)

I couldn’t for the life of me find Levias’ name in Japanese, but considering EVERY translation EXCEPT English has him as Narisha? i’m gonna take a wild guess and say it’s ナリシャ (Narisha) or similar. His name Levias is based off the word Leviathan. And Fun fact! Did you know the spaniard Zelda Wiki lists him as being one of the dragons? as in, him being a whale-shaped dragon? yeah.

The Surface (ENG) - Las Tierras Inferiores (ESP)

Las Tierras Inferiores would translate as “The Lower Lands”

Faron Woods (ENG) - Bosque de Farone (ESP)

Eldin Volcano (ENG) - Volcán de Eldin (ESP)

Lanayru Dessert (ENG) - Desierto de Lanayru (ESP)

These ones mean the same for the most part, just with the change of Faron to Farone.

Skyloft / The Sky - Places and Animals

The Sky (ENG) - El Cielo (ESP-LA) - Celéstea (ESP-SP)

“El Cielo” literally means The Sky, while Celéstea would be a play on “Celestial” (From the Heavens/Skies). Fun side note - “El Cielo” also means “Heaven”, so when i was younger everytime i went back to the sky i’d be like “rip Link he’s dead :/”

Skyloft (ENG) - Neburia (ESP-LA) - Altárea (ESP-SP)

Neburia, from what I learned after a 4 am Wikipedia dive, could be based off the word “Nébula”, which can mean “Cloud”. It basically means “Cloud Town”. Altárea, I think??? would be based off the word “Alto” which means “High (Altitude)” so basically, “A Place High Up”? If anyone wants to comment on this i’d appreciate it

The Lumpy Pumpkin (ENG) - La Calabaza Flotante (ESP-LA) - Calabarza’s (ESP-SP)

“La Calabaza Flotante” literally means “The Floating Pumpkin”, while “Calabarza’s” is a really clever play on Calabaza and bar. I’m not sure what the name of the island itself is in english, but in Spanish it’s “Isla Calabaza” (Pumpkin Island) (ESP-LA) and “Calabia” (word play on “Pumpkin Place”) (ESP-SP)

Loftwing (ENG) - Neburí (ESP-LA) - Pelícaro (ESP-SP)

Neburí would also come from Nébula, so it’d translate to something like “Cloudy (thing)”? possibly. Pelícaro seems like a play on the word “Pelícano” which means Pelican.

Remlit (ENG) - Lémury (ESP) - Remuri (JP)

Lémury is a play on “Lémur”, probably because of Remlits’ ringed tails. Remuri might be the same play of words.

Skyloft/The Sky - NPCs

(I might revisit some of these at one point since some of the references they could have flew over my head!) (haha get it? flew? the sky? ok)

Batreaux (ENG) - Mursego (ESP-LA) - Batolo (ESP-SP) - Morusego (JP)

My friend! my buddy! Batreaux is an obvious play with “Bat”, since he kind of resembles one. This is kept in both Spanish names - Batolo seems like a combination of “Bat” and “Bartolo” (a spanish name), and Mursego is based off the spanish for Bat “Murciélago” (as well as being the closest to the Japanese “Morusego”!!). Keeps the “flying animal” theme in all three languages.

Beedle (ENG) - Terry (ESP) - テリー (Terī) (JP)

The man, the myth, the legend. Beedle’s name is similar to “beetle”, the insects he loves in BoTW and SS. Not sure what the deal with “Terry” and similar is. He keeps the “flying animal name” theme with Beedle, sort of, but loses it in every other translation (which, btw, is also Terry or a variant in most languages)

Bertie (ENG) - Arín (ESP-LA) - Alfred (ESP-SP) - Arin (JP)

This poor man. Working all day and all night. Bertie’s supposed to reference a type of sparrot called “lovebird” (the bird part). For Arín, besides being basically the same as Japanese, could reference the word “Cantarín”, which means “singsong” and is used to describe birds that sing a lot. Alfred... no clue.

Cawlin (ENG) - Corvy (ESP) - Ras (JP)

In the same way “Cawlin” references “caw”, which is the sound crows make, “Corvy” references this same bird, called “Cuervo” in Spanish. In french he’s “Orbo”, which if i had to guess also references crows.

Croo (ENG) - Gurriaco (ESP)

“Croo” could reference both the “cooing” of birds and “crow”, like Cawlin above. Gurriaco, if I reach enough, could be referencing “Urraca”, a type of bird in Spanish.

Dodoh (ENG) - Dodo (ESP) - Dodo (JP)

Referencing the extinct bird of the same name in all languages, I guess.

Dovos (ENG) - Dombo (ESP)

Dovos feels like it’s referencing “Dove”. Dombo gives be “Dumbo” vibes - probably could reference it because he flies? not sure

Eagus (ENG) - Aquilo (ESP) - Igurusu (JP)

Eagus, Aquilo, and Igurusu are referencing Eagles. It’s more obvious in Eagus. The spanish for Eagle is “Águila”, which is just two letters off from Aquilo.

Fledge (ENG) - Gruyo (ESP) - Sebasun (JP)

Fledge is referencing Fledgling, a young bird. Gruyo comes from “Gruya”, which is Crane in spanish. In french his name’s “Célestin”.

Gaepora (ENG, ESP-LA) - Gaépora (ESP-SP) - ゲポラ (Gepora) (JP)

Pretty much the same. His name is also a combination of the Owl from Ocarina of Time’s name “Kaepora Gaebora” (ENG, ESP) - ケポラ・ゲボラ (Kepora Gebora), probably because he looks a lot like the Sage of Light Rauru and the owl he turns into. One of the few Skyloftians not named after a bird in English, though technically he is if we consider the above?

Gondo (ENG, ESP-LA) - Dorcon (ESP-SP) - Doruko (JP)

Not sure what Gondo might be referencing bird-wise exactly? though i think “Gondo” is similar to “Gonzo” (from Wind Waker), with who I think shares some design aspects. Dorcon in Spain’s Spanish seems to just take from the original Japanese. In French his name’s also “Dorco”!

Goselle (ENG) - Alani (ESP) - Otaka (JP)

I’ll be real, not sure what’s going on with her names in either language. Goselle gives me bird vibes but i’m not sure. Alani reminds me of the spanish “Alaja”, which means Jewel

Greba (ENG) - Ornella (ESP) - Miho (JP)

Ornella reminds me of the word “Hornilla” (mute H), which is basically the hole where the heat comes out of in wooden ovens... but! according to the dictionary it also means “(a) hole where pigeons make their nest” so i guess it’s bird related too!

Gully (ENG) - Gabio (ESP-LA) - Gabi (ESP-SP) - Garu (JP)

Gully most definitely references a seagull. Gabio and Gabi references the same animal, but in spanish obviously - “Gaviota”.

Henya (ENG) - Galina (ESP-LA) - Zenona (ESP-SP) - Heena (JP)

Henya references Hens, as does Galina (Hen being “Gallina” in Spanish). Zenona... uh.. not sure where that came from? I’m halfway through this post realizing i’d gladly accept comments from any spanish speaking person who wants to give an input on these things im missing

Horwell (ENG) - Asteus (ESP) - Hoonelu (JP)

i’ll be real im not sure what Asteus is referencing. Horwell seems to be pretty close to the japanese for the most part though

Jakamar (ENG) - Carpín (ESP) - Geran (JP)

Carpín is most definitely referencing Wood Peckers (“Pájaro Carpintero”/Carpenter Birds)

Karane (ENG) - Grusi (ESP-LA) - Gracielle (ESP-SP) - Kuranu (JP)

Karane seems to be almost the same as in Japanese, while Spanish went crazy and gave her a completely different name, tho at least they’re kinda similar between each other. Also in french her name’s “Grida” (another Gr name!!)

Keet (ENG) - Pío (ESP-LA) - Pitxi (ESP-SP) - Michiru (JP)

Pío is, quite literally, the sound birds make (or the way we’d write that sound in spanish), especially chicks. Pitxi is a mystery to me

Kina (ENG) - Calabel (ESP-LA) - Calabelle (ESP-SP) - Panan (JP)

Calabel/Calabelle is referencing the spanish for Pumpkin, “Calabaza”, giving it a more feminine name-esque ending (like in Anabel/Anabelle)

Kukiel (ENG) - Picalia (ESP-LA) - Cuqui (ESP-SP) - Kuuko (JP)

Cuqui could be referencing that exact same word (often spelled “Kuki”) that just means “cute”. Picalia seems like a play with “pícara” which basically means “gremlin” (google translates it as “sassy” but im not sure if that word fits)

Luv (ENG) - Mandi (ESP-LA) - Amanda (ESP-SP) - Manda (JP)

Mandi and Amanda seem to stay close to the Japanese name, both of them being common spanish names. Luv, like i mentioned in Bertie’s part, would reference “love bird” (the love part)

Mallara (ENG) - Pati (ESP-LA) - Patty (ESP-SP) - Rubia (JP)

I only now realized Mallara is referencing mallard ducks. wow. Pati/Patty are just a common name in Spanish. Lil fun fact related to her Japanese name! Rubia means “blonde” in Spanish

Mia (ENG, ESP-LA) - Miwi (ESP-SP) - Mi (JP)

mia my baby girl. i love her. im yeeting her off Skyloft. seems they all reference meowing in some way

Orielle (ENG) - Corina (ESP) - Kuina (JP)

LISTEN. the other day i was trying to think just WHAT Corina could be referencing. And the only thing that popped into my brain is that “Corina” is the name they gave the bird Tokyo Mew Mew girl in LatinAmerica. It’s literally the only bird related thing i can think of. Also it sounds a bit like “Kuina”. French name is “Kinaé”, similar to Japanese!

Owlan (ENG) - Buhel (ESP) - Aoulu (JP)

Owlan seems to keep the owl theme across all three! Aoulu seems to just be “owl” quite literally, and Buhel is a play on the spanish for Owl (”Búho”)

Parrow (ENG) - Golondro (ESP) - Parou (JP)

Golondro comes from “Golondrina”, a type of bird! I think it’s called “swallow” in english ... so it kinda fits Parrow anyways! Also Parrow seems to be his japanese name too

Peater (ENG) - Panolo (ESP-LA) - Paul (ESP-SP) - Jakusin (JP)

This guy. man. Seems to be “Jackson” in Japanese? But everyone grabbed a P and ran. Panolo seems like a play on “Manolo”, a nickname for people with the name “Manuel” - maybe mixed with the P for “Pájaro”(Bird)? Paul’s just a common name as far as i know.

Peatrice (ENG) - Panalí (ESP-LA) - Paula (ESP-SP) - Jakuriinu (JP)

Peatrice seems to always be named after her dad. “Jackeline” in Japanese i believe, and barely “feminized” names for the rest. Panalí sounds a bit more like “panal”, the spanish for “hive” (as in beehive)

Piper (ENG) - Joana (ESP)

There’s not much to comment here. Joana’s a common name in Spanish

Pumm (ENG) - Vito (ESP-LA) - Ruperto (ESP-SP) - Puukin (JP)

I have NO clue where Vito came from. It sounds like a badly spelled “Victor”. Where did the Pumpkin theme go???? huh?????. Ruperto’s kind of the same? Unless i’m missing some pumpkin related words in spanish, it’s just a common name.

Pipit (ENG) - Cocu (ESP-LA) - Coocker (ESP-SP) - Kikoa (JP)

This guy. It seems a lot of languages kept the C/K sounds in his name? He’s Kiko in French and Cuco in german (thanks @/aureateart). They seem to reference cuckoo clocks maybe? and the german’s really close to cucco.

Rupin (ENG) - Rupín (ESP-LA) - Milo (ESP-SP) - Kookin (JP)

Rupin/Rupin are referencing Rupees, since he’s the shopkeeper and the alike. Milo... I... I’m not sure what’s referencing?

Rusta (ENG) - Ganzo (ESP) - Rostaa (JP)

Rusta and Rostaa seem to be referencing Roosters, while Ganzo’s referencing the spanish for Goose! (Ganso)

Scrapper (ENG) - Serbot (ESP) - Sarubo (JP)

Including this lil guy here coz... why not? Serbot seems to be almost the same if not the exact name as Japanese (though Sarubo could just be Server?)

Sparrot (ENG) - Aspir (ESP-LA) - Gorronte (ESP-SP) - Subuha (JP)

Gorronte seems to be a play on “Gorrión” (Sparrow), so, pretty close to English. Aspir..... I’m not sure?

Strich (ENG) - Vestro (ESP) - Osta (JP)

Vestro, like Stritch, references Ostriches, with Ostrich in spanish being “Avestruz”. Seems Japanese references the same animal? and I think french too, since he’s “Latruche” in that language!

Wryna (ENG) - Elenia (ESP-LA) - Alisia (ESP-SP) - Arisu (JP)

Alisia seems to stick to the Japanese name Arisu (Alice), while Elenia went... a different direction. Elenia is a variation of a common spanish name, Elena.

#holy shti i did it. im NOT tagging everyone #translations #translation shenanigans #skyward sword #legend of zelda #zelda skyward sword #tortilla thinks #tortilla posts #???? not sure what to tag this #skyloft #loftwings #language comparison #it's 3 am save me #i WILL come back to fix stuff in this. it's a promise.#there's so much more places and characters i didnt add but i'll save those for a separate post becuase holy FUCK

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thebadboyfanclub · 4 years

Text

I Got You (Napoleon x Reader)

This is the third time i’m trying to post this fucking thing, tumblr won’t let the posts I do from my laptop under search results but they will show posts I do from my phone. Anyways, enjoy!

“This better be worth it Waverly”

“Ohhh (y/n) dear trust me it will. Let me introduce you to your new colleagues”

As she walked in the room with one big desk and a few chairs, three of them were occupied by two men and one woman, probably in her 20s. Her eyes however focused on one particular man.... The man that was one of the reasons you thrived in the illegal field.

“This is Miss Gaby Teller, the most important person in this case, next to her is mister Illya Kuryakin, her supposed fiance and-”

“Napoleon Solo. The thief”

She bitterly interrupted Waverly, he was of course aware of (y/n)’s past with Napoleon, it was one of the reasons he requested her to join this case, keeping from her that piece of information of course.

“(y/f/n), you’ve grown up”

“you got old”

“Right, now that everyone knows each other, (y/n) please take a seat and i’ll explain the plan”

As she took a seat from the other side of the table, directly in front of Napoleon, she tried to focus on Waverly and ignore Napoleons intense stare that almost drilled a hole on the side of her head.

“Ok, so since Illya is here to be the love interest for Gaby and Napoleon is here to just get some Italian legs in the air, what am I here for?”

“You dear (y/l/n), you will be portraying miss Brigitte Richard, an heir to the Richard well know Cigar, he is a close friend of mine and graciously agreed to take his daughters name”

“Won’t they know what his daughter looks like?”

“His daughter has been kept away from the public eye and she had transferred in Britain during high school, that’s also where she went to College and recently decided to stay there. I will give you a file of hers to study. Your goal is to get close to Victoria vinciguerra during the event, maybe even seem interested in mister Solo, of course for show, nothing more”

“Of course, everything is only just for show when it has to do with Napoleon”

(Y/n) was dressed in her best attire, her long red dress that hugged her waist so beautifully, of course some silver diamond earrings on her ears and her hair up in a perfect updo, her heels were comfortable at least, but if she had to run the dress would not hold for long until it gives a show to anyone around her, she prays that it didn’t have to happen, or she would be royally screwed,

“Miss Richard , your father was right you do have your mothers eyes”

What a fool, she thought, this is who she was hiding from? a woman that complimented her for the resemblance in her eyes.... she wasn’t even close to being related to this people. However, on the outside, she smiled brightly at the tall blonde lady

“Thank you so much, god rest her soul she at least she was generous enough to pass them down to me, my dads brown eyes are great but a tad bit boring don’t you think?”

The blonde gave a tight lip smile to her comment. Of course, if she knew that her real parent had never seen this type of luxury, the lady wouldn’t even spare a glance.

“I don’t believe we’ve met, Victoria Vinciguerra”

“Brigitte Richard, my father made sure to keep me away from all of... this, he wanted his kids to be humble”

“I’m really sorry for your brother”

“It’s alright, I miss him but... c’est la vie”

(Y/n) had almost swallowed the file Waverly had given her, she even looked into the cigar company, just in case anyone asked questions. As the two ladies kept talking, she started hearing commotion,she turned her head towards the direction it was coming from and saw one familiar man falling to the ground.

“What is going on over there?”

“Excuse me dear”

Victoria started walking towards him and of course (y/n) followed. When they finally reached the crowd that was already forming a circle around him, there he was fanning himself the invitation dramatically, in true Napoleon fashion. (Y/n) kissed her teeth in annoyance, he was supposed to discreetly blend in, not cause a god damn ruckus the minute he walks in.

“Thank you, Thank you”

“I wonder what they do to people without invitations”

That is when she decided to take actions. She weaseled her way out of the crowd and kneeled in front of him to his level, offering her glass of champagne to him.

“Are you alright sir?”

“Yes, thank you very much Darling”

“I’m Victoria Vinciguerra, she is (y/f/n). I do believe an apology is in order. I’ll take it from here”

You helped him get up on his feet and took two steps to lean in and talked to her.

“of course miss Vinciguerra... next one is mine”

She giggled as she walked away in triumphant. To be frank the rest of your job was to keep an eye on these two, yet she could still say she completed the most important part.What she didn’t expect was the growing fire in the pit of her stomach that was directed to Victoria, looking at her talking to Napoleon so nonchalantly made her teeth hurt and her breasts ached with rage.

“It’s such a lovely day to be so pouty miss”

“Well sir... there is nothing really here for me to smile about”

“Not even me?”

“I think I am better off being the reason for someone to smile”

“Roberto Russo, charmed”

“Brigitte Richard”

Roberto was a handsome man, tall, light brown hair, hazel eyes, sharp jawline, full lips and extremely well dressed, no doubt he knew his way around women and money. What a better distraction and cover up than him?

What (y/n) had not calculated was Napoleon picking up at her “strategic” flirt and filling like punching the hell out of this pretentious little Italian boy that grew up spending daddy’s money. He restrained himself from walking over to her and taking her hand, guiding her away from everyone, keeping her all to herself.

“I saw you were talking to my aunt”

“Oh you are related to Victoria?”

“Yes, my dad is her brother. I actually haven’t spoken to her today, come with me?”

“How could I ever refuse?”

As he offered his arm she smiled and linked hers with his, walking over with her head held high as they got close to Napoleon and Victoria

“My dearest Roberto, how are you?”

she kissed her nephew at both of his cheeks and yet no smile was shown. She really was cold, Roberto however smiled brightly, feeling excited to show his knew “catch” to his aunt.

“I’m doing well... who might he be?”

“Jack Devinsky, Nice to meet you”

Roberto looked at Napoleon up and down, almost well not almost... judging him harshly. Napoleons sure looked rich but there were levels to how rich you were, especially when men judged one another.

“Roberto Russo. Well... aunt Victoria may I occupy you for a minute”

“Of course, anything for my nephew”

“It will only take a minute dear”

“I am counting”

She replied at him, he took her hand and placed a gentle kiss as he stared directly in her eyes, winking at her as she left her with Napoleon. They stood there in awkward silence for a few moments, they haven’t really spoken since the case started, (y/n) made sure to avoid him.

“You look stunning if that isn’t obvious”

“Thanks”

She said dryly. She barely even looked him in the eye, all she could see was that damn night, the night she lost everything, the night her heart shuttered, the night he showed her all the cruelty of the world he always talked about.

“You are mad at me”

“Do you blame me?”

“No, it still upsets me though”

“That sounds like a personal issue to me”

The event was a success. which meant (y/n) could finally relax and wear her pajamas, pour a drink for herself and lounge in the couch her room had. She still wore his necklace, the gold star necklace he had bought her way back when... she took the charm in her hands and felt the cold metal.

How much more could she take with him around? it took her so much time to heal and now here he was again, scratching the wounds she had closed up all by herself. She was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard a knock at her door. She got up to answer it and was met with the man of the hour.

“Napoleon”

“May I come in?”

She sighed before stepping aside to let him in. Even when all she wanted was to punch him in the face, her heart took over her and let him walk into her room and her life once again, even when she had swore to take revenge when she saw him again.

“What do you want?”

“To talk”

“About what?”

She was well aware she was snapping at him, could you blame her? He had swore to protect her, help her when she had nothing and no one, taught her everything and then one night she came home to find all his belongings missing... and that damn letter tore her apart, she didn’t sleep for days, she waited for him to return for months and yet he never did.

“(Y/n) I know-”

“YOU KNOW NOTHING

”her voice booming through the entire room, it was like a glass of emotions was overflowing, threating to spill and make a mess. He saw the pain in her face, her lower lips trembling, her hands forming fists... still what caught his eye was one thing, the necklace. She was wearing his necklace, after all these years she didn’t throw it away. He took a breath through his nose before continuing.

“(y/n) you have every right to be upset-”

“Damn right I do”

“Will you just listen?”

“listen to what Napoleon?! What?!What?!What?!”

Next thing that was heard was her glass smashing at the wall, Vodka dripping down and small pieces of glass going everywhere. Napoleon was shocked, he should have known this wouldn’t be easy, he had wanted to reach out to her over the years, he had even went through with finding her, yet every time he chickened out last minute and walked away from it. Now, here she was in pain, yelling and smashing things... she had become his enemy

“I’m sorry”

“You are sorry? Sorry? for what Napoleon? for leaving me? for doing it in such cruel way? for lying to me?”

“I never lied”

“You swore to me that you loved me, that you... cared”

There it was, tears. She couldn’t even control it, as her voice cracked and the waterfalls started, she didn’t also want to cover them, she wanted him to see what he had done... to hell with being the bigger person. He wanted to hug her, comfort her, make her feel loved but now all he could do was to try and reason with her.

“I had to leave”

“Why? What could possibly be the reason... money? paintings? women?”

“You know I would never cheat on you”

“Oh yeah, cause leaving our house in the middle of the night is so much better”

She tried wipe away her tears, silence falling between them once again. As a way to calm and hide her emotions, she kneeled and started picking up pieces of glass, her back turned to him. Napoleon went to her side and even when he wanted to pick her up and kiss her, he controlled his desire

“(Y/n) stop, you’ll cut yourself”

“I’m fine Napoleon”

“(Y/n) the maid can do it”

“I said I’m- FUCK”

a piece of sharp glass had cut her as she accidentally gripped it a bit too hard. Napoleon saw the blood and got up immediately to find some tissues, while (y/n) got on her feet and brought her hand close to her chest, closing it to a fist as a way to stop the pain. When Napoleon approached she turned her back once again

“I said I’m fine”

“(Y/n) you are bleeding, let me care for you”

She had started crying again. As she turned around and opened her hand to him Napoleon gently placed the tissues on the wound, dabbing away the blood carefully.

“Why did you leave?”

“I thought I was protecting you, a way to keep you away from all of the things I was doing”

“Yet... here we are”

He looked up at her. Her lower lip was in between her teeth, tears freshly running down, her beautiful eyes were now red and puffy, her nose was running and he still found her heavenly.

“You kept the necklace”

“I tried throwing it away, or ponding it... I couldn’t find the courage... it’s too pretty”

“I tried coming back to you... multiple times”

“Why didn’t you do it?”

“I don’t know, I just didn’t”

She finally kept eye contact with him, getting lost once again in those ocean blue eyes, the eyes she looked at when they were laying naked on their bed, the eyes that looked at her when she woke up. With his one hand Napoleon slowly reached over and wiped a few tears with his thumb

“You are too pretty to cry over me”

“I missed you Napoleon”

She whispered looking down on the ground in embarrassment. She was everything he ever wanted, a woman that loved him and had his back and he tossed that all away, his intentions were pure yet the damage was gigantic. He hesitated for a minute, before taking her in his arms for a hug, her head nuzzling on his neck as she held on to him for the first time in what felt like centuries. Napoleon kissed her head, smelling her shampoo that was always the same, lavender.

“I missed you too munchkin”

She giggled at the nickname. Napoleon had met her when she was struggling to survive, she was this delicate little thing that looked everyone with kind eyes, yet once he got to know her he saw the passion, the fire, the potential she had to become something great, he didn’t want all that potential to go on illegal things that could possibly get her in jail or worse kill her. So from the beginning of the relationship he called her munchkin.

“Will we be alright?”

“I got you munchkin, I got you”

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avtrbee · 3 years

Text

cycle of war

SPOILER WARNING FOR AOT FINAL SEASON

heyyy idrk what this is? its just a small blurb, i suppose. i wrote this to cope with my feelings on gabi and sasha. i didnt really know how to react so here :>

also yes, i used the tiktok audio hehe i thought it would fit her well

also dont take this really seriously, the setting is really vague

mentioned!levi x reader

Gabi has seen everything. War, blood, loss, you name it. Those things were often thrown in her face as a Warrior candidate. But nothing has ever scared her than the eyes of Y/N Ackerman.

She wasn’t even a real Ackerman with superior genes in her blood, she married into the family through the man that brought down Zeke. Gabi briefly saw her fight in the Liberio amidst the chaos, swinging with her ODM gear. Gabi remembered analyzing her skill for a moment, deciding that she was just an average soldier. She did not possess any special abilities her husband and the other female Ackerman has. Now Gabi knows that she has a high rank in the Survey Corps but she probably earned it through seniority rather than through special skill.

And yet Gabi finds herself frozen upon her gaze. Gabi finds herself separated from Falco, in a room she doesn’t recognize, in front of this woman who looks at her like she has destroyed her world. Gabi is sat on a chair on a table, and across her was the Ackerman's wife.

“Do you blame yourself?” She asked. Gabi felt herself shrink under her eyes.

“...what?” Gabi squeaked out. She wanted to kick herself at her reply. A Warrior candidate should have never replied like that. She sounded like she was cowering in fear, utterly surrounded, in a hopeless situation. Except she was. She was far from Marley and deep inside the Paradis island.

“Well, it’s quite common in this situation for someone to feel a kind of…” She tilted her head. “...guilt.”

Gabi gulped and felt her mouth dry. “What situation?”

“The accident.”

Sasha Braus, Gabi’s traitorous head reminded herself. She sees Sasha’s face every time she sleeps. It was not the first time she had taken a life, but it was the death that made her realize the impact of war. Of death. Of her actions. I’m sorry, she wanted to say, but what could sorry do? It’s done.

She forces herself to say it anyway. “I-”

“Y/N,” said a voice. The door creaked and Gabi looked in front of her, beyond Y/N’s cold gaze and saw a soldier by the doorway as Y/N looked back. Gabi remembers him- he was the one who took him to their ringleader like she had demanded on their ship, only to find Zeke Jeager. Gabi also remembered how he was one of the few that did not land a punch on her and Falco.

“Yes, Jean?” she replied, voice still hollow and eerie.

He suddenly looked sheepish- nervous. “Captain...don’t you think you could...um, lay off the girl a little? She looks tired.”

His voice was soft but his tone sent the message clearly. She’s been through enough.

For a moment, Gabi thought that Y/N would yell or smack the soldier. That’s what the soldiers did to Eldian subordinates back in Marley anyway. It seemed like he thought of the same thing too because when Y/N stood abruptly, Gabi saw him brace for impact.

But to their surprise, Y/N spoke softly. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Gabi watched as she walked towards him. “Lets go.”

Y/N looked back to Gabi again, eyes no longer hollow and angry, but now overflowing with sadness, before closing the door and leaving her behind in the dark.

#levi x reader #levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #jean krischtein #gabi braun #aot

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fionn-n-harry · 3 years

Text

One Night- Part 3 (Fionn Whitehead)

GUYSS thank you for being so patient for me and waiting so long, I loved writing this and I hope you guys are satisfied with the conclusion. This is a long one, and it most definitely has some mistakes which y’all can totally correct me on. hope y’all enjoy. Also tumblr removed my italics :((((

In which Y/N and Fionn explore their new relationship....

Warnings: Vomiting, oral sex, mentions of abuse, alcohol

Word Count: 17k

It's so easy for her to do it, Fionn thinks to himself. And it makes him scoff a little, a little too loud that he's afraid someone might have heard him. He clears his throat and takes a sip of his drink.

Y/N ends her conversation with the young man and they hug, the young man lifting Y/N to her tiptoes and rocking her side to side making her laugh. Fionn watches the scene unfold and his knuckles turn white from gripping his glass too hard.

He's never thought of himself as the jealous type but the alcohol in his system makes him hazier than usual. He hasn't seen her in person since they last kissed for the first time and Fionn has yet to properly address her tonight. As Y/N pulls away, her eyes suddenly lock with Fionn's and she tries to hold his intense gaze before she nervously finds herself turning away into the crowd again. Fionn looks down at his drink and watches it twirl in his glass, downing the last bit and setting his glass down on the counter shaking his head, mostly at himself, to set himself straight for making Y/N feel nervous under his eyes.

He would go apologize but he feels too nervous to do any of it now or look at her, and the liquid courage that once flooded his body was now absent.

Y/N watches Fionn make himself another drink, staring, aweingly (though she would make sure no one else would look at her stare awingly) and she finds herself in a conversation between a group of people that she is bored of.

Fionn, in a tipsy state, feels a pair of eyes on him as he mixes. He feels like he is making it all up until he looks up and see's Y/N staring at him, her eyes softer than usual, curious and shy, Fionn picks up on it all. Fionn lifts his hand and gives her the smallest stagnant wave and then tilts his head, motioning for her to come over without much thought, too into his mixing. Y/N's heart skips a beat and she looks around to make sure Fionn had been addressing her. She slowly pulls herself away from the group and finally finds herself approaching Fionn.

"Hi." Y/N says lowly as she slides up next to Fionn catching his attention.

Fionn looks over at Y/N and suddenly a huge smile appears on his face and an arm loops around her waist bringing her close into a hug while his other hand holds his drink against the counter.

"I missed you," Fionn utters as she brings her hands to rest against his chest as he pulls her in.

Her breath fans over his lips and he finds his eyes lingering from her eyes down to her lips and up again. Y/N nervously reaches for the collar of his shirt and smiles, watching her hands fiddle with the fabric and finally training her eyes to his once again.

“I missed you too.”

First real date sorta second date. Nothing to worry about. Just the two of them casually hanging out at Fionn's flat, Y/N thinks to herself.

The meet up was last minute, everything they do seems to be last minute. While Y/N and Fionn had been texting much more frequently and regularly, doing a few FaceTime calls to laugh about something together, Y/N, nor Fionn, could really tell what they were doing, if this was just extremely friendly, extremely flirtatious, or teetering the line of unspoken sexual tension from their attraction to each other.

Nonetheless, Fionn finds himself experimenting with the idea of getting closer to Y/N and when he’s back in the city he texts Y/N and jokingly asks her to come over... and then more casually suggesting she’s always welcome to come over... and then Fionn telling her he enjoys her company similar to their first “date,” and suddenly Y/N was checking her makeup in her phone camera.

She tried to liven up her appearance yet keep it as casual as possible yet Y/N begins to question whether her black halter top showed too much skin or her jeans were too casual for the occasion.

She texts Fionn that she’s outside and tugs at the fabric under her arm to provide relief to the feeling of being exposed.

Fionn is tired, he’s excited to see Y/N and quite frankly is glad he invited her because texting her and Face Timing her had him itching to have her close like the one night they had together, but he’s also really really tired.

Fionn didn’t really try much with his appearance. He tried to look presentable, and that he did well with, but he finds himself snuggling into a hoodie and taking a nap, completely frizzing up his hair into a mess. He comforts himself by looking in the mirror and telling his reflection his jeans make the look casual and presentable, but he knows he’s lying to himself and the bags under his eyes when he’s making coffee right when Y/N texts him that she’s outside.

“Y/Nnnnnnn,” Fionn slurs out her name as he swings the door open and juts his head out to smile at her.

“Fionnnnnnnn.” She drags out back.

Both unsure whether they should greet each other with a hug or just go inside, Fionn takes a moment to look at her outfit. Fionn can’t help but feel underdressed and look way too comfortable to be meeting a pretty friend.

“You were already out?” Fionn asks hanging his weight on the doorknob, yet to step aside to let Y/N in.

“Oh... yeah, was hanging out when you texted.” She’s lying because she can’t help but feel overdressed for a casual hangout with a friend when Fionn looks like he just woke up and she kinda wishes they would have FaceTimed instead so she wouldn’t have had to explain herself.

“Oh,” Fionn says, stepping aside to give her access into his home, “You look pretty.”

Y/N smiles shortly at his compliment and walks in before he can notice her blushing or her grin

become too wide.

“You want coffee?” Fionn asks, shutting the door behind her, “I didn’t realize how tired I’d be after that flight.”

Y/N shakes her head, “I’m okay, I think I’m a little too awake.” She admits, hoping through her honesty to make conversation, he won’t catch on to what she really means.

“Did you drink? You know I didn’t take you for the party type after you took care of me that one night.” Fionn says walking to the kitchen and flicking his head in that direction to motion for Y/N to follow.

Y/N chuckles as she situates herself into a high chair by his cozy little kitchen island and he goes to pour his coffee.

“Not today, ever since you picked me up, I’ve been hoping not to embarrass myself like that again. I usually never drink like that.”

Fionn takes a sip of his black coffee and slides it next to Y/N, taking a seat adjacent to her.

“You were embarrassed? Don't I enjoy helping those in need.” He says and Y/N scoffs, “Besides you said a lot of nice things anyway.”

It’s silent for a couple of seconds as Fionn watches his coffee shake in his mug as he thinks back to the night where he had picked Y/N up after a sudden phone call in the middle of the night, where she’d said nice things to him, and thanked him for helping her out. It reminds him of the first night they met and how she helped him out, preventing him from completely vomiting on everyone and calming him down and it just makes him think about Y/N and everything he knows about her , though limited, up to this point.

“Are you always that nice?” Fionn asks.

Y/N raises an eyebrow and has the slightest smile on her face, “What do you mean?”

Fionn goes in for another sip, “I mean I think, well I guess, from all the times I’ve spoken to you that you like to help others out and you make sure they don’t feel weird or crazy but you kinda just make everyone comfortable, but I don’t know you too too well when I think about it.”

He shuts himself up by taking another sip and looking around the room avoiding her gaze.

Y/N rests her elbow on the island and rests her head in her hand, “That’s like the coolest thing anyone has ever said to me.” She shyly smiles and stares at the nails on her other hand, “Don’t like making people feel like they did something wrong for something so normal.”

“Why not? I’m sure some things are meant for people to take accountability for.” Fionn questions, digging into the girl in front of him a little more.

Y/N ponders answering, her eyes flirting up to his and becoming nervous under his gaze and going back down to her nails.

“Because someone used to do it to me.” She confesses, and for a second Fionn sees her float off somewhere else before she is straightening herself out with a smile and turning her body towards him, “You are also very nice Fionn.”

He turns his body towards Y/N grazing her knees as he faces her, “Thanks but I think you win.”

And then Y/N’s shoes are discarded near the front door, and she’s sitting next to Fionn on his couch listening to him talk about when he first met Gaby because he was close friends with her brother and she was doing an immense amount of shots and beating his entire friend group in a drinking game.

Y/N laughs at his story and brings her knees toward her chest as she rests her head against the couch cushion to listen to Fionn talk. She realizes she could listen to him talk for ages and ages and the way his hair bounces ever so slightly when he adjusts himself and the way his neck is so empty and inviting-

Y/N and Fionn had drunk. Alcohol always finds its way into their setting, and they talked about it as Fionn pulled out some wine, but Y/N hadn’t expected herself to get a little tipsy and find herself fueled by confidence.

Fionn finishes his story and suddenly feels hot and restricted by his sweater, telling himself and Y/N out loud, and lifting it off his head in one swift motion, Y/N catching a glimpse of his V-line and smiling to herself in her tipsy state.

Once he discards his sweater on his lap, with hazy eyes in a similar tipsy state and flushing cheeks, he looks over at Y/N who is leaning into the couch with her eyes trained on Fionn, a smile on her face.

“Why are you looking at me like that huh?” He questions playfully reaching out to tug at her sock.

Y/N finds herself laughing in an outbreak and covering her face with her hands. Fionn laughs with her, why he doesn’t know.

“What? Tell me.” He laughs along, reaching for her forearms to separate her hands from her face. She leans forward and falls into the crook of his neck with her arms pressed between their bodies, catching Fionn off guard as she continues to chuckle lightly.

Fionn's hands hover over her body, closer to himself than to her, unsure of what to do but still playing along and nudging her head that’s tucked in his neck.

“What? Is it something I said? Tell me, tell me.” He smiles.

Y/N, in her confident state between thinking straight and starting not to think at all, pulls back to free her arms and one of her arms slides from her side up to his neck, her thumb grazing his cheek, while her other hand finds itself between his waist and under his arm. The position is much more sensual and is a leap from the atmosphere earlier, where everything was so shy.

Her actions catch him off guard and his laugh softens as he realizes just how close they actually are.

“You gonna tell me Y/N?” He whispers into her ear.

She breathes out and her breath fans his neck, making Fionn shudder.

“You gonna touch me Fionn?” She whispers back, the hand on his torso comfortingly rubbing up and down.

Fionn realizes his hands have been by his side this whole time and he brings them up to touch her back and graze a hand down her spine that hadn’t been covered by the fabric from her shirt. He feels her body squirm under his touch.

“Like that?”

Fionn's own tipsy state had made him confident enough to even touch her.

And then there’s a kiss on his neck and Fionn's grasp on her waist tightens ever so slightly to ensure he doesn’t hurt her and his eyes flutter closed. Another kiss, and another kiss and the hand on his cheek finds its way to his hair and tugs his head back gently giving Y/N access to the underside of his jaw.

Y/N hears the slightest groan that excites her and she moves from his jaw, to his cheek, to the corner of his mouth, stopping before reaching his lips and pulling back slightly, eyes gazing at his expression and tilting his head toward her face with the hand placed in his hair until their foreheads are barely touching.

Feeling her close, Fionn opens his eyes to her curious and soft ones as she smiles patiently. Fionn uses one hand to trace her spine while the other pushes hair behind her ear and cups her cheek.

“You’re so pretty.” He whispers, somewhat disconnected to realize what he’s actually saying, “Someone should tell you nice things too.” His eyes flicker between her eyes and her lips as he speaks.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, yeah?”

Y/N’s hand behind his head falls to his chest as Y/N looks away from his gaze and down at the hand between them.

“Why’d you pick me up when I asked you?”

The question catches him off guard because it’s so odd in the moment but he answers.

“Because I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Were you doing it because I helped you first?”

“Somewhat yeah.” He answers, swiping his thumb back and forth along her cheek.

“What if I hadn’t helped you?”

Fionn wants to raise an eyebrow at her question as he only finds one real answer, “Then I wouldn’t have known you.”

She nods out an “mmm” against his hand.

“I like the way you sound when you’re not in my phone.” She smiles.

“Me too.”

The hand that rests on Fionn's waist comes up to his shoulder. “Am I too close?” She asks him timidly looking at his lips then shyly back at his eyes

“No you’re okay,” He confirms, “We don’t have to do anything, we can just be close.”

Y/N scrunches up her nose, “And do what?”

“We just shouldn’t drink anymore, don’t want any of us to regret anything.” Fionn tells her moving the hand on her spine to the other side of her cheek that is not occupied by his hand. Able to position her head, he gently brings her forehead to his lips causing her to giggle as he begins to repeat her previous actions.

Kissing her forehead, then her temple, down to her cheek and to her jaw, he nudges her jawline for permission and she raises her head, giving Fionn sight of her neck where he kisses her. Fionn’s kisses on her neck are slow and circle around and near her ear. He presses another kiss below her ear and sucks on the skin and Y/N squeezes his shoulder enjoying the sensation, Fionn making note to himself. Closer to Y/N’s jaw, he continues kissing and then sucking skin, this time jutting his tongue out to stimulate the area and he feels Y/N’s hold on the collar of his shirt tightens.

“Leave a mark.” Y/N whispers to him, eyes closed and a smile playing on her lips.

Fionn pulls back, coming back to a space closer to soberness than tipsiness, “Are- Are you sure?”

“Yeah. If you want to.” She says circling her arms around his neck.

Fionn feels himself become hard and thanks god that she didn’t decide to straddle him even though she practically sits halfway in his lap.

Fionn tilts her head to the side and her neck, a blank and inviting canvas, strips Fionn of his reasoning to pull away and stop and he peppers a light kisses where he can before sucking on an area in the middle of her neck, tongue wavering back and forth on her skin until Y/N pants quietly. He moves his hands back to her waist, gripping her sides securely yet softly, still connected to her neck and leans her back into the couch until he is hovering over her, Y/N between his hips as she keeps him in place with his arms. He pulls his lips back engendering a small smack from his lips and looks at a dazed Y/N, moving hair out of her face as she smiles and becomes giggly when she opens her eyes to see him smiling back at her.

“How is it?” She asks him.

Fionn looks at the purple bruise he has just left on her neck using one hand to trace it, “It’s there.”

She nods as he strokes her neck a little more, “Cool.”

Fionn shakes his head and chuckles leaning down towards her face and pressing a kiss on the corner of her mouth before pulling away from her hold completely, standing up and leaving her on the couch with arms on her stomach.

She starts to laugh again like earlier and Fionn smiles at her suspiciously again.

“Oh my god, what now?” He laughs with her because of her own laughs.

“You’re a little hard.”

Fionn notices her eyes at his crotch and he immediately reaches for a pillow from the couch and throws it at her making her squeal.

“Okay maybe you’re not that nice.” He says grinning and turning away to the kitchen a little embarrassed.

Y/N sits up and calms her laughter, “Hey it’s okay, I’m just playing around.”

He shoots her a look from the kitchen as he grabs himself and Y/N a bottle of water, “Yeah you should be when you were kissing up all over my neck.”

Her cheeks turn pink and she covers her cheeks with her hands falling back into the couch embarrassed herself, “We’re even.”

Fionn comes back to her with a bottle of water for himself and lays one on Y/N’s stomach.

“Drink it.”

She looks down at her stomach and sits up once again to crack it open, “Yes sir.”

Fionn raises an eyebrow at her glaring as he finds himself still getting a tad bit aroused. Y/N closes her bottle and seeing Fionn’s fidgeting movements, she places her hand to Fionn's stomach and drags it down to the belt of his jeans.

“Do I?” She says quietly and shyly and the same girl Fionn saw a minute ago was no longer the playful Y/N from before. She was quiet and too rigid to move.

“What?”

Do I?

“Do I need to fix it?” She reiterates her fingers shaking as they clutch his waistband, her eyes staring at the button of his jeans, anything but lustfully.

Fionn takes his hand in her own, pulling it away from his body, “You- you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, you know that right?”

Y/N pulls her hand out of his own and sets her feet back on his wood floor, as she shifts on the couch again and takes another sip, ignoring his words and holding herself.

“I’m cold.” Y/N mutters and she rubs her exposed arms up and down.

Fionn is confused by her change in demeanor, her want to be close, her questions, the look of obligation she felt to pleasure him, then the sudden withdrawal from him entirely. He’s not mad, anything but, he’s just unsure of how he’s supposed to feel. Maybe it’s the alcohol he tells himself.

Fionn reaches for his hoodie on the couch and hands it to Y/N who puts it on quickly.

Y/N’s unsure of what caused her to feel exposed and vulnerable suddenly. She’s embarrassed now when she starts to think about how she asked Fionn to leave a hickey on her neck in the heat of a moment when they hadn’t even kissed yet, and she’s embarrassed by the rush she feels to please him so he doesn’t get bored and so that he stays engaged with her.

Y/N credits her last relationship, her crummy and terrible ex, to needing to feel validated through Fionn validating her actions. But she’s coming to realize that Fionn is a completely different person, and she doesn’t have to dwell on past fears with him. He’s an entirely different experience.

“You okay?” Fionn asks taking a seat next to her again.

Y/N nods and pulls away from her thoughts. What once felt like a juvenile crush between two school kids scared to talk to their crush now felt like a real dynamic between two adults who could do whatever they want and say whatever they want. Y/N see’s that she’s in her home, wearing his sweater, hickey of his doing on her neck, no need to define what is going on between them, and it draws her to look at Fionn.

“I’m good. You okay?”

Fionn nods and smiles at her, “All good. You want to watch a movie?”

Y/N leaves Fionn that night with a big hug and his sweater on her body.

Fionn takes another trip and Y/N doesn’t get to see him for a little while but they occasionally text each other and Y/N musters up the courage to ask him to video call her when she’s alone and he’s laying in his hotel room.

“I didn’t think I’d be so badly jet lagged.”

“That’s what happens when you’re famous.”

Fionn rolls his eyes, “Don’t say that.”

Y/N laughs, “Well it’s a little true isn’t it? Not everyone gets to be in movie with-”

Fionn shushes her before she can continue, “I’m just a regular person, don’t see me any other way.” He tells Y/N over the phone as he grabs a pillow and positions it under his head, “Want to feel normal to you.”

Y/N gets butterflies in her stomach and rests her head on a pillow and moves her laptop to the side to look seemingly unaffected by his words.

Her hair is sprawled out on her pillows and Fionn catches sight of the faintest dusty purple and rose bruise on her neck from the glow of her laptop screen as he struggles to keep his eyes open.

“Mmm hickeys’ pretty much gone.” Fionn notes out loud.

Y/N touches her neck and blushes, “Oh. Yeah.”

Fionn smiles at the thought of that day.

“Maybe when I come back I can give you another one.” He mutters into his pillow, slightly embarrassed, slightly confident, and extremely tired.

Y/N chuckles, “Yeah maybe I’ll let you give me another one. When do you come back?”

Fionn is half asleep on the other end of the line and it takes him a second to answer, “Maybe, in a week or two, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Mmm okay, so in a week or two.”

Fionn shakes his head against his pillow at her playful response and finds himself falling asleep again, but he knows how to ignore it by focusing on Y/N’s voice.

“So, how was your day Y/N?”

Y/N is at another house party two weeks later after her phone call with Fionn, a party that Gaby found through her brother. And while Y/N wasn’t exactly in the party mood, Gaby had insisted she tag along to visit some old friends who told her they’d be attending.

Gaby pours herself a drink before tugging Y/N through the party. Y/N swears she sees a face that makes her sick to her stomach dancing next to a group of girls. Y/N shakes the idea, looking back and seeing nothing as Gabby brings her to a patio with a group of familiar faces. Y/N drowns herself out of what she thought she just saw and enjoys her conversation with her old friends. She drinks a little bit out of Gaby’s cup to calm herself down but doesn’t allow herself to drink anymore or grab a cup for herself.

She feels like she should stay alert tonight, a feeling in her gut tells her to stay sober, to stay present. Especially when Y/N notices Gaby’s laugh begins to drag and Y/N rubs her back, adding sensation to her friend's drunkenness and also to ease her own worry. Y/N feels her blood rushing and is thankful to see Gaby’s brother make his way into the group and take a seat next to Gaby after he greets everyone ensuring that he would take care of her if she went haywire, to which Gaby elbows his rib.

“Jesus Christ Gaby.” Her brother says, shaking his head and looking at Y/N , “Can you grab her some water?”

Y/N nods, heading inside when her phone begins to ring.

“Fionnnnn.” Y/N smiles to herself at the surprise call.

“Y/Nnnnn.” He answers back, “Guess who’s back?”

Y/N’s smile turns into a toothy grin, “Oh really? When you’d get back?”

“Couple hours ago, would’ve told you then but I needed to settle in.” Fionn hears a couple of people on the other line and feels like he may have interrupted Y/N, yelling at himself internally for calling randomly instead of texting. In his defense, he hadn’t spoken to her in a while, and missed hearing her. But now he feels selfish for expecting her to be available when he craves to have a piece of her, “Sorry, I should have texted, is this a bad time?”

Y/N walks into the kitchen where the noise dies down and pulls a bottle of water out of the fridge, “Not really, at a house party Gaby brought me too.” She says, “You can come if you want, think I saw Tom earlier in the yard.”

Fionn's lips press into a thin line, “You sure?”

Y/N leans against the counter to continue her conversation before making her way back, “I mean if you want to come feel free, unless you’re too tired.” Fionn is silent on his end and Y/N thinks she’s lost him, “Hello?”

“Do you want me to come?” He asks her.

Fionn knows realistically that he’d stick by her side most of the night, wanting to be near her again, rather than two people who know each other and go have fun on their own. He wants her to feel comfortable with him being around her world of fun.

“Well yeah, haven’t seen you in a while.... it’s nice when you’re around.” Y/N blushes at her confession and holds the cold bottle to her neck to cool down the heat that rushes to her ears.

Fionn swears he almost chokes as he comes to terms with the fact that he really really really likes Y/N and when she’s honest about the way she feels.

“Send me the address.”

Y/N waits for Fionn as Gaby’s brother holds water to Gaby’s mouth and Gaby protest’s, pushing over her plate of food in the process. Inside there’s a loud collective of laughter as the host begins to say a couple of things they get people riled up and the group looks inside and between the mess on the patio.

“Go inside guys.” Y/N says, “I’ll clean it up really fast, have fun.”

The group thanks Y/N and heads inside, as Gaby tells her how much she loves her and Y/N rolls her eyes playfully, reaching for a lone plastic bag and using a paper plate to scoop the food into a pile as she crouches down and her friends disappear.

“I knew I saw you.”

Y/N freezes, the voice too incredibly familiar and distasteful. Y/N raises her head to find a hand outstretched to her, and she lowers her head again and continues to sweep the food into the bag.

“I thought we were on good terms?”

Y/N scoffs as she scrapes the remaining specs into the bag, “Who told you that?”

She rises and avoids his gaze as she throws the plate into the bag and ties it into a knot.

“You literally danced with me at the club...?” He sounds confused and Y/N feels her anger settle in her arms as she has the urge to smack him.

“You mean when you forced me to dance with you? When I was drunk and you forced me to grab onto you and you just kissed me?” Y/N walks past him to a small waste bin and tosses the bag in the garbage.

Y/N remembers the night she called Fionn, the night where she was an absolute mess and had ran out of the club because her ex-boyfriend had forced her to stay close and touched her like everything was normal, controlling her to feel like she needed to be complacent with him. The night had brought a wave of old resentment she had for him and the way he treated her and she remembers how she had ran out when he looked the other way and called the first number in her head when Fionn’s face flashed in her mind in her drunken state.

“I was just taking care of you.” He says convincingly, and Y/N might have believed it if they were together but she knew better.

He comes close and she can feel him against her back and she shakes her head and pushes him away with her shoulder, “That’s what it always is right? You’re always taking care of me, you always know where I am, you always know when to make me feel silly when I need you, you always know when I’m supposed to get down on my knees. That’s what it is isn’t it? It’s always for my good, right?” Y/N turns around and looks straight into his tense expression, “It’s always, you know what I need so I should just do what you say. And you’re doing it again right now because I’m not running back to you... You know exactly what you’re doing.”

Y/N waits for him to say something and he bites his cheek looking away from her. “Why are you fucking quiet when I stand up to you? Had so much to say before...”

“Who gave you that?” He says, eyeing her neck and brushing the hair away, the last remnants of her hickey barely visible, “Is it the guy who picked you up that night?”

Y/N feels disgusted knowing he watched them together, that Fionn has been exposed to him. She pushes him away with her hand and dismisses him walking back into the house finally realizing how shaky her arms and legs are as she pushes past a sea of people, moving through the house, and out the front door.

“When you’re ready to get it together and come back again, know my bed is ready for you.” He jokes as his hand grips the back of her neck and turns her around to pull him into her. His touch is so aggressive compared to Fionn’s and she wants to throw up all over this joke of a man. Y/N finds a knot forming in her throat because he’s so convinced she’d crawl back to his cold bed and superficial love like a child.

“I’m not coming back,” she says weakly, twisting her face away from him, “I don’t ever want to see you again, I’m so much happier when you’re not around.”

And his face drops as he realizes Y/N isn’t as easy to control as she was a year ago. Y/N breaks free shaking him away and she feels her phone ring in her pocket and she quickly answers.

“Yeah?”

“Hey what’s the house number again- oh I see you.” Fionn says and Y/N looks up the street to see his car approaching the house.

Y/N feels her ex standing in the lawn behind her burning holes into her back, but as Fionn’s car nears, she finds it easier to ignore. She pulls at the car door, silently asking him to unlock it, and when he does, she hops into the passenger seat.

“Can we go somewhere else? I don’t wanna be here anymore.” She tells him buckling on her seat belt.

Fionn watches someone stare at them before they turn and head back inside and Fionn nods at her request.

“Oh yeah of course. Everything okay?” Fionn says, swinging his eyes back to Y/N.

She’s quiet and clasps her hands together between her knees, biting the skin near her lips. And when she looks at him, it’s a silent plea for him not to ask, not to stress her out, and to just drive.

Fionn reaches for her clasped hands and slips his hand between the two. Y/N welcomes his hand and intertwines their fingers with one hand bringing it toward the center console of the car to make it easier for him. Her other hand grabs onto his wrist.

Fionn smiles at her sadly and begins to drive off.

The ride is silent and Y/N is grateful because she isn’t ready to open up and yet she can also find comfort in his touch.

Fionn takes her to his place and when they get out of the car to walk inside, his hand finds hers again, tugging her against his side as he opens the door.

“Sorry for the mess I didn’t clean much before I left.” Fionn tells her turning his body into hers.

“It’s okay.” She whispers as he kicks the door back with his heel, “Just glad to be here.”

Fionn smiles and pokes her cheek, “Stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop buttering me up.” He says pulling her toward the couch and sitting her down.

“I’m not buttering you up, I'm being honest.” She smiles back tugging on his wrist to tumble him into her body to fall on her.

He laughs and moves his body off to the side as Y/N let’s go of his hand and tackles his body into the couch.

“You’re back.” She tells herself out loud as she nestles into his chest.

She knows she’s being a little clingy but she’s happy to see him and just wants to be present with Fionn and forget everything from before.

“I remember we were so shy to touch each other.” He says brushing the falling hair out of her face.

“Well I’m a lot more comfortable with you now.” She mumbles into his shirt, shutting her eyes and dozing off ever so slightly as Fionn watches.

“You wanna sleep over?”

Y/N raises her head to look at him properly, “I- I don’t want to over step.” She carefully pulls her weight back and sits on the couch properly as Fionn swings his legs over the edge of the couch to straighten himself up.

“Well, you can if you want to. Don’t expect you to sleep in the same bed as me or to do anything but just know you’re welcome to tonight.” Fionn states before heading to the kitchen and making himself coffee.

Y/N has to remind herself that this is Fionn and not her ex and while she should always be cautious, Fionn isn’t going to force her to do anything or purposely make her uncomfortable to test the waters. For crying out loud it’s the drunk, doesn’t dance Fionn who she met the first night. Y/N could cry out from relief to know that maybe she actually met someone who cares about her feelings and what she wants and how slow she wants to go or how fast she wants to go and that it isn’t just about him but it’s about them.

Y/N doesn’t realize that her positive thoughts are intertwined with her negative ones that bring up countless bad experiences that make her sick to her stomach and have her standing up and running to his bathroom and belching into the toilet. Her body physically rejects every idea of her past relationship and wants to rid herself of every part of it, but she can’t scratch it off or vomit her insides out; rather she just has to accept it, maybe even as he once always said, “get over it.”

And as she flushes the toilet and pulls herself against the wall, her spiraling thoughts and the flashes of her late night calls with Fionn and all the times they’ve been together has her wondering if she is even completely and truly ready to be in a relationship with him if she has to constantly reevaluate every instance.

Y/N is angry that she has to even think like that. That someone perfect is right in front of her and that she has doubts and might even have to wait to tell him all that’s she's feeling because someone decided to play with her for years and has resurrected all her hidden worries because she saw them tonight.

She feels two arms circling around the front of her waist and kissing her cheek as they pick her up off the ground and to the kitchen, into a stool. She barely pays attention to what he says but he puts a cup of tea in front of her, hand on her back, telling her to drink it to feel better before deserting her side again.

Y/N isn’t sure how her phone has ended up on the counter but as she takes a sip of her tea she’s debating ordering an uber to take her home, because she can’t really think straight.

Fionn comes back to her with a sweater, slotting her arms through before standing by her side.

“You’re shaking.” Fionn tells her before looking down at the phone in her hand hovering over the confirm uber button, “You want to leave?”

Y/N shrugs, unable to really answer.

“I can take you home if you want. If not then at least let me pay for your cab.” Fionn tells her quietly worried about her changed manner.

She doesn’t answer yet, instead drops her phone on the counter and takes another sip, letting Fionn watch her before she sets her tea down and reaches for the belt loop of his pants to bring him closer to her.

“Why do you treat me so well?” She whispers, the top of her head grazing beneath his chin, “If you want me to do something tell me.”

A frown begins to grow on Fionn's face and he brings a hand to thread through the roots of Y/N’s hair, “I don’t want anything.”

He uses both his hands to hold Y/N’s face and lifts it up to look at him, her eyes following.

“Just want to be around you is all.” Fionn says nervously, “I really like you, you know.”

Y/N carefully grips the front of his shirt, pulls Fionn even closer and Fionn leans down tilting her head towards his lips.

Fionn looks into her eyes then down at her lips,“Can I kiss you?”

And Y/N tugs him towards her lips to crash into his. Their lips follow each other in a slow rhythm as Y/N fists the front of his shirt desperately to bring him closer, kiss him deeper as she transfers her warm lips to his cold ones. Fionn’s tongue escapes his mouth to swipe her bottom lip and Y/N opens her mouth to let his tongue meet her own. Sloppily Fionn begins to pull away for air, but Y/N brings him in for one last long and slow kiss that has Fionn run on hand into her hair to lock her in place.

Y/N pulls back and looks at the smile toying on Fionn’s face that soon finds a home on her own.

Fionn is breathless, more than he likes to admit, figuratively, that he has just kissed the girl that has been on his mind almost everyday and that he hopes he can find an excuse to text or call. Having her close, feeling her as a part of himself, has Fionn dropping his head into her neck and circling his arms around his waist making Y/N chuckle.

“Your lips taste sweet.” He tells her in her neck as Y/N rests her arms over his shoulders to play with her fingers.

“It’s your tea.”

Fionn and Y/N stay in that position for a while, relishing in the comfort of each other’s touch free from any awkwardness.

“I really like you too.” Y/N says tiredly, eyes half shut on Fionn’s shoulder.

“Best news I’ve heard all week.”

Y/N chuckles as she gently pushes Fionn back and away from her, for her to meet his own tired expression, eyes fluttering open.

“Were you falling asleep?”

Fionn nods his head and reaches to take a sip of her tea, downing the rest of it before looking back at her.

“You can sleep here in my room if you decide to stay, or I can take you home.” Fionn tells her leaning forward with a surprise kiss for her, “What do you wanna do?”

Y/N decides whether or not she should have this conversation with him now, whether she should tell him her doubts about giving herself to him in intimate ways like she wants to without feeling like she has to, but they’re both tired so she settles for Fionn’s room and being under his sheets as she convinces him to stay and hold her hand and keep her close.

And when she wakes up in the morning she’s kissing Fionn’s temple and listening to his babbling and groggy protests, too tired to realize what is going on when she takes a cab home.

Y/N would like to think that her and Fionn are just fine a week later, even though she purposefully has been letting his texts sit longer than usual and doesn’t answer his texts right away. She wants to want to be ready to be with him without having any doubts, without confusing him, and without comparing him to the past.

Fionn asks her to hang out, swing by his place, grab dinner, do anything, and Y/N is always busy, to his knowledge, and she isn’t lying, but she purposefully makes plans last minute to avoid having to meet Fionn.

It’s another late night and Y/N is about to head to bed after she gets in her sweats but Fionn texts her asking if she was up for him to give her a call and Y/N agrees because she thinks the least she could do would be to answer his call.

“Fionnnnn.”

“Hey Y/N,” He sounds groggy and worse for wear from her side and he lacks his usual enthusiasm.

“Everything okay? You sound weird.” She notes as she peels back her sheets.

“I’m so jetlagged, I’m in another country right now. I can’t even sleep.”

Y/N raises her eyebrows, “You’re in another country? Wait since when?”

“Since three days ago.” He answers bluntly.

Y/N shuffles into her blankets, “Oh really? I don’t even remember you telling me, my bad.”

The line is silent and she thinks maybe he’s fallen asleep but he finally shuffles on his end, “I didn’t tell you.”

And Y/N is caught off guard by the revelation when Fionn has usually told her excitedly about the places he was headed “Oh... why... not?”

Fionn fishes for melatonin in his bag, kicking it away frustratedly when he can’t find any.

“You’ve been busy, didn’t want to distract you.” He says, his tone filled with irritation as he unzips his suitcase.

“Oh... are you mad?”

Fionn hears her question, but he doesn’t really hear her question.

“What would I be mad about?” He says dropping to the ground to pull out his clothes messily to scan the bottom.

“Are you mad at ...me?” Y/N asks nervously, thinking he’s caught on to her avoiding him,

Fionn quirks an eyebrow at her question and sits back on the floor pressing his phone to his ear, “No? Why would I be mad at you?”

Honestly, Fionn isn’t certain why he called Y/N, he’s been on edge, stressed and restless all day and all he wants to do is calm down, and Y/N usually helps him to, but today is different and today it’s different and he can’t help but feel irritated with every way his day has been going. And truthfully he notices Y/N isn’t around as much, and briefly imagined that she may have been ignoring him, but he’s been so swamped in work and stress that he doesn’t give himself the time to entertain the idea.

“I don’t know,” She lies when she could give a few reasons, “You just sound a little mad.”

Fionn chuckles catching on to what she’s getting at, “No I’m not mad at you. Even if you had been ignoring me I want you to know that I’m always going to give you space if you need it,” he admits, beginning to slouch forward to search his bag again.

Y/N hums contently at his words, wondering how he can read through her so clearly and rolls over in bed, “Oh... thank you Fionn.”

And then it’s silent again as Fionn checks his luggage pockets and finds his melatonin, shaking the bottle into his hand and holding the gummy that comes out between his index finger.

“Everything okay with you then Y/N?”

He moves the gummy into his palm and holds it close to his abdomen waiting for Y/N to respond.

“I’m okay... I wanted to talk to you about something actually if you don’t mind.” She sighs as she presses his phone closer to her ear.

Fionn quickly and dryly chews his melatonin to answer, “‘Course, what is it?”

Y/N props her pillow behind her head contemplating to start her sentence. She wants to be honest with Fionn, and about her worries, and while she slightly worries that Fionn may not even be thinking of the idea of their relationship, she rather get it out the way now than feel like she needs to completely disconnect herself from him because she can only compare him to her experiences at the hand of another person.

"Um, well, I like you-"

"I'm glad-"

"And I’m pretty sure that you like me too-"

"I do-"

Y/N blushes and shakes her head, "so I just wanted you to know that, if I ever, well, seem weird or question you, that it's nothing personal I just, uh..." Y/N tries to think of the right words to complete her sentence, "I just have a hard time believing people's intentions."

“Okay, yeah...thanks for letting me know.” Fionn rises to plop himself back on the hotel bed and cradles the melatonin bottle on his stomach, eyes fluttering, “Is this about the guy on the lawn?"

Y/N's eyes widen, not ready to tell the story, not expecting for Fionn to put pieces she thought were obscure together so quickly, "What?"

Fionn begins to feel fatigued, rolling to his side, "Yeah, he looked familiar. I think I remember him from the night I picked you up from the club, when I drove away he was looking into the car... and then I saw him when I picked you up recently and he looked the same. I think. Are we talking about the same thing?" His eyes begin to shut, "Sorry are we thinking of the same thing?"

Y/N's lips press into a thin line. To keep them separate was all she wanted, that she could exist with Fionn without Fionn knowing the outside influence that bothers her when she is with him. Now she feels like their relationship would have an imaginary ex of her's seated between them, one that Fionn would have to make space for between himself and her. Y/N's stomach bubbles with anxiety, "I think Gaby is calling me, I have to let you go." She blurts out.

Fionn digs her head into his pillow, "Mhmm. I don't think I can stay awake if you're not talking. Talk to you tomorrow then yeah?"

"Okay, bye."

"Sleep well-"

Y/N has hung up, thrown her phone to the side, and rolls in her bed, head stuffed in pillows, lulling herself to sleep and free of worry because of the lack of oxygen.

And when Fionn texts her the next day asking if she wants to finish their conversation, she doesn't answer. Fionn follows up with his lone text, telling her when he's headed back when he finds out, but she doesn't answer that either. In fact, she never answers, and two weeks go by, and she hasn't made any sort of communication with Fionn. Fionn is terribly confused, and it preoccupies his thoughts his entire trip, but he doesn't want to overstep her boundaries (that he realizes are also his but more fear and nerve based) so he lets it be until he's back home. And when he tells her he's back, a week later, he finds his texts are still abandoned. As the month mark of his unanswered texts approaches, Fionn finds himself missing her presence, virtually and actually. He convinces himself he may have been becoming clingy and that the three weeks that had passed were perfectly reasonable. Yet, he starts to worry, just wanting to make sure Y/N is okay, and he messages Gaby... who tells him that Y/N had been alive and well, and oddly around.

She hasn't texted you? Ugh she's such a bitch sorry

Fionn blicks at Gaby's message unsure of her tone and tells her that he just wanted to check up, and to leave it at that. He tells himself he doesn't need or deserve an explanation and if Y/N didn't want to speak to him, he wouldn't force her to want him back. But when he's showering, the warm water reminds him of the sudden heat rush he felt that night on the sofa with Y/N, when they were talking, when he kissed her neck, their calls, and Y/N telling him that she likes him back.

So where did he go wrong? The question kills Fionn and makes him question if he was good enough for her to begin with. He could imagine a future with Y/N, whether they took their relationship to an intimate level or stayed friends. He appreciated her for who she was and how warm she could be. Fionn shudders, the bed colder than he expects after his shower. While they hadn't known each other for the longest time, nor explored their identities with each other or their pasts, he absolutely misses their emotional connection, and he feels like a kid yearning to be wanted again. He starts thinking too much again. Fionn hates when his thoughts race faster than his heartbeat and he can't catch a break, and his hand gravitates towards his melatonin, ready to push him to sleep.

Placed next to his melatonin is his ringing cell, a call from Tom makes Fionn shift the place of his hand.

"COME TO BARRY'S YOU FUCKER."

Fionn's friends progressively begin to annoy him more than he wants, and he's already in a shitty mood, feeling terribly insecure in his clothing, in his presence, and he wishes he stayed home rather than wrongfully believing this would prove any type of distraction. He heads to the kitchen where he is met with a plethora of liquor that he can't decide from. He recklessly mixes some of them together in one cup, having the sudden urge to drink more than he knows he can handle. It doesn't taste very good, but Fionn knows it will get him tipsy (or drunk) faster so that he can move on and begin to enjoy himself. He stands against the wall as his friends harass the DJ to play a dumb song, yet he isn't as irritated anymore, feeling the drink seep into his system.

"Y/N, I fucking hate you," Gaby tells Y/N, punching her arm much harder than Y/N expected as she gets into Gaby's car.

"Shit Gaby, what was that about?" Y/N rubs her arm weirded out by Gaby's flared nostrils and raised eyebrows.

"What was that about," Gaby mocks, "You ghosted Fionn you bitch... put your seatbelt on."

Y/N stays silent, prepared for Gaby to lecture her, and Y/N might even cry because she already feels like a shitty person for what she is doing. And she knows she is, but she would rather tell herself than have someone else tell her. Y/N was going through a lot of emotions, to be honest, Fionn as a romantic partner reminded her of what they could be, happy, healthy, and with good and solid boundaries. But she also has this looming idea that hasn't left her for a year, that in her next relationship, she could be used, disrespected, and hurt. It's not that she didn't want to talk to Fionn, she just didn't want to think anymore, and she ran away from her problems, telling herself she'll text him when she's calmed down. Yet she never texted him, nor explained anything to him, and now she's scared to text him, knowing she's waited too long, thinking he may have already dismissed her and let her be. In reality, she knows Fionn is patient and may have been waiting for her, giving her the space he told her he would give her. But the time where she grabbed her phone and told him how much she missed him hadn't come, and now that she feels it has, she’s a couple weeks too late.

"I'm not going to attack you for it. I know how things like this scare you because of him. But could you just shoot him a text or something?" Gaby grips the steering wheel as she begins to drive, "Fionn texted me, wanting to make sure you were okay."

Y/N tears up, throwing her head back into the seat, as she feels an overwhelming sense of guilt, finally truly realizing how he must feel.

"I'll text him soon, I promise." Y/N whispers.

Gaby smiles softly, "Good, no rush, just do it soon so he knows yeah? You can have fun tonight and figure it out tomorrow."

Y/N is separated from Gaby at an overcrowded gathering that Gaby dragged her to claiming, “Yeah I know this girl, I met her at another party” before Y/N runs into an old friend of hers. And that's when Fionn realizes she's there. He thinks his drink is too strong and is playing tricks on him, but after intensely staring at her features, and the black halter top he remembers running his hands over on his sofa, he's stuck in place. Watching her lips move, remembering when they touched his, remembering they were dragged across his jaw- he stops himself from thinking any further in fear that he might give himself a boner. His eye's dart from her face to the person that wraps an arm around her neck as she laughs into her hands. The guy watches her closely, wanting to amuse her, and Fionn scoffs, a little too loud that he looks around to make sure no one heard him, but it's lost beneath the music.

Y/N wraps up the conversation and the man steps forward, pulling her closer, to adjust his arms under her shoulders to hug her, lifting Y/N to her tiptoes, making her laugh. Fionn watches the scene unfold and his knuckles turn white from gripping his glass too hard. He's never thought of himself as the jealous type but the alcohol in his system makes him much more envious than he ever thought he could be. He hasn't seen her in person since they last kissed for the first time and Fionn has yet to properly address her tonight other than watch her from afar.

When Y/N pulls away, she starts to walk in Fionn's direction and immediately locks eyes with him, trying to hold his intense gaze (which is really just Fionn unsure of what to do) before she finds herself turning away and rushing into the crowd again. Fionn looks down at his drink and watches it twirl in his glass, downing the last bit and shaking his head, mostly at himself, to set himself straight for making Y/N feel nervous under his eyes. Yet also at the thought that she had just run away from him, and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

He would go talk to her but he feels too nervous to do any of it now or look at her. Fionn wonder's if she's moved on, met someone new, or had feelings for someone else to begin with that made her leave and run from him here and he feels insecure in his presence again. He wouldn't be too mad if that were necessarily true, he's an adult and it happens, but it would sure break him a little. He sighs harshly, and marches back into the kitchen, prepared to fill his cup.

Y/N runs to Gaby and Y/N explains the situation, hands moving too fast as she talks, and Gaby trying to keep up with Y/N's pace.

"What do I do? I must look like a bitch-"

"You definitely do-"

"Okay Gaby, I know! I can't believe I just left."

Gaby, obviously annoyed, glares at Y/N, as she takes a sip of her drink. Y/N cowers under her gaze, "What..."

"I swear Y/N, go tell him that you're sorry and kiss him or something. You always do this. Don’t screw this up, you like him don’t you?” Gaby watches Y/N quietly nod her head embarrassed at her lecture, “So then act like it yeah? And calm down, do you want some of my drink?' Gaby holds out her drink and Y/N chugs it in its entirety.

The rest of the night is tamer than that moment as Y/N learns to calm herself down, get her fucking act together, and be an adult. But when she does, she can't find Fionn as the night becomes busier.

She’s relieved when she spots Fionn. Y/N watches Fionn make himself another drink, staring aweingly (though she would make sure no one else would look at her stare awingly) and she finds herself in a conversation between a group of people that she is bored of.

Fionn, in a tipsy state, feels a pair of eyes on him as he mixes. He feels like he is making it all up until he looks up and see's Y/N staring at him, her eyes softer than usual, curious and shy, Fionn picks up on it all. Fionn lifts his hand and gives her the smallest wave and then tilts his head, motioning for her to come over without much thought, too into his mixing. Y/N's heart skips a beat and she looks around to make sure Fionn had been addressing her. She slowly pulls herself away from the group and finally finds herself approaching Fionn.

"Hi." Y/N says lowly as she slides up next to Fionn catching his attention.

Fionn looks over at Y/N and suddenly a huge smile appears on his face and an arm loops around her waist bringing her close into a hug while the other holds his drink against the counter.

"I missed you." Fionn utters as she brings her hands to rest against his chest as he pulls her in.

“I missed you too.”

The moment is cut short when a handful of people begin to shout excitedly as a line of shots begin to be poured. It’s at this time Y/N notices that Fionn begins to push into her, tipping her over and making her support his weight as she makes an effort to not tumble under his weight.

“How much have you had to drink?” Y/N furrows her brows when she sees him pick up his cup to bring to his lips again. Fionn shrugs as he pulls the rim away from his lips now slick from the liquid.

“D’know.” He tells her slurring the end of his sentence and his head droops over Y/N’s, his hand now digging into the skin on her hip as she is forced to absorb the heat of his body from their proximity, “I’m just so glad you’re here,” he confesses, lips moving in her hair, “I thought I wasn’t good enough for you, and I thought you proved me right.” He mutters, obviously still embarrassed though his state of mind.

Y/N shakes her head against his and the hand near his neck falls to his waist to push him away and support some of his weight on the counter, “Not at all. You are more than enough.” She tells him, a reassuring smile toying on her lips.

Fionn cocks his head up at her and tilts it to the side, “What’d you say?”

Y/N notices the volume of the room and Fionn who suddenly starts rubbing at his temple, bothered by the noise. Y/N takes note that Fionn is the type of man who, when he has had one too many drinks, likes a quiet atmosphere rather than one surrounded by people as time with him has taught her. She soon is dragging him through the apartment and into a cozy bathroom, with a light dimmer she is grateful for when Fionn complains that it is a little too bright. Fionn is drunk, but he can handle his own in the current state he is in, it isn’t like the first party where he might choke on his own sweat. It’s quiet and calm in the bathroom and he isn’t overheating on the couch of a house party. Instead he’s cool, dipping one hand under cold water as he watches Y/N shut the door behind them, and turn her back to it.

Fionn settles for sitting on the toilet seat close to the sink as he continues to allow his hand to lay under the pressure of gushing water.

“What’d you say before?”

“Huh?”

“What’d you say before, I couldn’t hear you.” Fionn repeats as he nods for her to come over and sit on the space between his feet in the tile. Y/N trods over and sits on the ground facing him, in between his spread legs.

She smiles to herself as he watches her though influenced eyes, getting worked up when she leans her head into his knee comfortingly, “I said that you are more than enough,” her hand reaches and squeezes his knee, “For me.”

Fionn loves the words that come out of her mouth, but he’s still hurt about what happened earlier and he wants to let it go, but he’s still bothered, “Then why are you running away from me?” He asks sadly.

Y/N feels like an absolute prick, and his words slapped her with a sense of guilt she’d only been allowing to seep out of her in increments, but Fionn’s words, so genuinely wondering where he went wrong, drowns her in guilt, suffocating her.

“I’m so sorry,” She says looking down at the tile, “I’m so lucky to have met you and I shouldn’t push you away like that. I’m sorry.” Her hands rub at his thighs and his knees, like she’s hugging the lower half of his body.

Fionn feels himself choke on his breath and he goes a little too long without blinking. It isn’t until he realizes that Y/N has retreated her hands to herself that he turns off the faucet, wipes his wet hand on the side of his shirt and his hand is reaching for her cheek, securing her in place with his thumb tucked behind her ear.

Y/N shudders against the cold hand that holds her lovingly and she looks back up at Fionn who has a boyish grin.

“I’m just glad you’re here now.” He tells her stroking her cheek, heat rising on his own face.

Y/N is so happy that things aren’t tense because of her temporary ghost, and she thinks he’s almost too forgiving but she won’t complain. She would even dare say she thinks they are closer now. But she realizes the haze in Fionn’s eyes as his head falls back against the wall. He is drunk after all. Y/N feels like she has unintentionally taken the easy way out to avoid proper communication and she sighs again, resting her head on his thigh.

“What are you thinking about?” The wave of his voice rumbling through his body, to his thigh and to her face.

She lets out a light chuckle, “Whether or not I’m gonna have to nurse you back to health.”

Fionn sucks his teeth and the hand on her cheek slides back into her hair and gently pushes her to one side playfully, “I’m fine you. So fine that I want to take you home.”

Y/N rolls her eyes and pulls her head away from his hold, “Not letting you drive me home when you look like that.”

“Good, cause’ it’d put you in danger... but who said it would be your house?”

Y/N feels her ears grow hot and she crawls away toward the door and presses her ear to it without responding, “It’s not that loud anymore, wanna go?”

Fionn moves his head side to side, “No. I like it here, it’s quiet. And you, pretty lady, are here alone either me.”

“Are you always this verbally affectionate when you’ve had too much to drink?”

“I just want to be with you.” He admits casually causing Y/N to blush and turn away from him completely, “If you’re okay with that.”

Y/N is unsure whether he is talking in the moment about their situation or their relationship in general but she is quick to her feet to subdue her worry when Fionn starts to snooze on the toilet seat he had been sitting on and someone knocks on the door whining that they have to take a piss. She tugs at his wrist and she soon gets him to stand up. He walks on his own toward the bathroom door that Y/N holds open for him and instead of leading him back to a calmer section of the party like she planned, Fionn is suddenly guiding himself deeper into the apartment and into a bedroom and Y/N follows suit.

“I’m not trying to seduce you, m’just tired.” He tells her when he see Y/N awkwardly stand in the corner of the room as he flings himself onto the bed, “You don’t have to stay if you’re bored.” He adds as he shuffles his head closer to a pillow and tucks an arm beneath it, “But I like knowing you’re near.”

Y/N is unsure what allows Fionn to be so blunt in the moment, never really taking him for a blunt and or confident drunk but a nervous and anxious one but she realizes the circumstances are different

“How’d you know this room was here?” She asks him and she gradually makes her way over to him.

“I’m good friends with the guy who lives here. We used to be roommates for a couple of months.”

Y/N hums back at his answer as she reaches him, his back turned to her. Unsure of what to do, she settles for having her hand trace over his back for the time being and digs shapes into the skin that she is blocked by because of his shirt.

She wishes she knew how to properly respond, physically, when she hadn’t seen him in so long. It’s not the same anymore, she nor Fionn seem too nervous in each other's presence like they once did, and while that is credited to Fionn drinking, she suddenly feels the urge to throw herself into the comfort of his arms and into his side where she can rub against him. But she doesn’t deserve that right now, after she ran away from him and left him wondering about her. And she hopes she can tell him soon when he’s in the right state of mind so she can kiss all over his neck again if he decides to accept her apology. And she really really hopes he does.

Y/N isn’t paying much attention to what she is doing as she talks to herself in her head until a hand is grabbing her wrist. Fionn has twisted around to his back and his face is pink, his breath slightly quicker than usual and his grasp on her skin hot. And Y/N who tries to look him in the eye, can’t help but notice in her peripheral vision the valley that has appeared in his crotch.

“I was just rubbing your back.” She says sheepishly looking around the room and away from him entirely.

Fionn nods, “I know, I just,” his mind is racing slightly embarrassed, “I’m not thinking properly right now.” He drops her wrist and immediately turns back around face down to the sheets.

Fionn is drunk and Y/N was not about to touch Fionn the way she wished she could, everything right now is wrong, the atmosphere, the situation, the timing, it’s all wrong. There is a time and place for them to address and sort each other out properly and now is not it. She doesn’t even know why she’s still standing in the room with her hands by her side. So when she thinks Fionn is completely asleep, she tiptoes to the door and leaves him again.

Gaby is sober to Y/N’s surprise, something about not wanting to miss Y/N leaving and Gaby being unaware of where she’d gone like the party before that had Gaby crying to her brother thinking Y/N had been kidnapped. Gaby and Y/N are grateful to go home together for once.

“You talked to Fionn?” Gaby asks as she paces herself to reach a stoplight.

“A little, nothing important, he was drunk.” Y/N admits, “I feel like our connection always has to do with alcohol. I barely feel like we can be normal with each other unless we have a drink in our system.”

Gaby shrugs, “Well you both are shy as hell. I talked with Tom, said Fionn isn’t even one to do much as to meet new people unless he really really has to, and you are not exactly the type to tell a guy you miss him—”

“Well I did—”

“—Hush, you get what I mean, you aren’t straightforward when you need to be, or at the best times.” Gaby says, a hand falling to her lap as the other grips on to the steering wheel, “For that reason, I think you should take him out on a date.”

Y/N quirks an eyebrow at her friend and Gaby smiles, “Think about it. You can be straightforward at any time you want as long as you don’t kill the mood with a random downer and I know you’re itching to be lovey dovey and did you kiss him like I told you?”

Y/N swats Gaby’s shoulder in response, “You’re so nosy.”

Y/N takes Gaby’s advice and in the morning asks Fionn when he’s free so that they can talk properly. Without wasting time, Fionn tells her he can speak today or anytime during the week and Y/N chooses to prepare herself and tells him to meet her at her place two days from then. Their texts are kept short as they are yet to cross that line again, but Y/N is grateful to be in touch with him one way or another.

She’s not one to cook, but she tries to experiment for those two days, urging Gaby to come over so she can cook Gaby breakfast and dinner. Gaby is honest and Y/N won’t lie that her feelings are hurt, but Gaby’s honesty about how Y/N is somewhat a terrible cook encourages her to stay in her lane and do what she knows and make Fionn a dish she is comfortable with, which she realizes is nothing... The day of, Y/N pulls on a bodycon that teeters far from the line of formality but can rarely be considered casual and orders takeout a little before she expects him to arrive. An hour before he comes over, she’s fluffing her hair the way she likes, cleaning up the little things as much as she can and doing her best to keep the food warm when it comes in. She pats her lips in the embellished mirror that sits in her living room room when—

Hey I’m downstairs.

Y/N checks her appearance as quickly as possible and grabs her keys and anxiously walks out the door. The elevator cannot come any slower and she feels like she’s tugged on her bodycon a little too much to the point where she’s begun to stretch it and wrinkle it. No matter her nerves, she thinks she’s excited, that they can be alone and talk the way they want knowing that they can be blunt about their feelings toward each other and their affection if Y/N is totally straightforward and she can hash out the real issue that has brought them here quickly and —

Shit.

Y/N can spot Fionn outside her complex through the window pane of the double doors and he is dressed casually and past him she can see his car is double parked and running. She had forgotten to mention this was gonna be a date.

Y/N is sure her body would have let the elevator doors close and take her straight back up to her place to tuck herself under layers of covers and let her food get cold if it had not been for the fact that Fionn and her lock eyes and he awkwardly nods to greet her through the glass.

Y/N forces herself out the elevator and unlocks the front door that leads to her stoop.

“Hey,” Fionn is the first to speak as she walks over to him way too slowly before his eyes trail down her figure all the way to her toes, “Cute sandals.?You look nice too, you headed somewhere?”

Y/N sighs, “Oh, I didn’t even notice.” She looks down at her fuzzy slippers and then to the car that continues to run, “Not headed anywhere... You headed somewhere?”

“Maybe, not sure if I wanna go yet.” Fionn tells her. They are an odd distance away from each other and Fionn waits for Y/N to speak watching her sway side to side and look up and down the street, “So...”

Y/N snaps her head to Fionn, “Right uh...” Y/N’s plan to tell him her concerns have gone out the window, this is not how she wanted to do it, rushed because his car is still running and whatnot, but her stomach bubbles from the thought of telling him what she wants to, “I just wanted to tell you again that I was sorry.”

Fionn's lips purse into an “o” shape and he shakes his head nonchalantly, “You’re good, you can have time to yourself—”

But the whole point of this was for her to tell him what she wants, “But you deserve an explanation, a real one.” She adds, “I actually thought, I don’t know...,” she blushes and Fionn cocks his head to one side feeling a smile form on his cheeks because the situation is amusing, “I thought tonight we could spend some time together if you aren’t doing anything— if not we can rain check, if you want to though! — but if not we can talk and I have some food upstairs...?”

The bashful look on Y/N’s face that she so desperately tries to hide does not go past Fionn and he shifts his weight from one foot to the other biting the inside of his cheek to stop his smile.

“I forgot to tell you that I wanted this to be like a , you know, you and me thing... sorry I forgot to tell you the most important thing...” She scratches the back of her neck and stares at the ground, “Guess I was nervous or something.” She says, throwing her head to laugh shyly.

Fionn’s legs feel like jello, the butterflies in his stomach could fly out of him and there would still be a million more gliding in his veins, especially when he realizes she’s asking him on a date. Fionn suddenly feels self conscious again when his hands rub at his sides and he realizes what he’s wearing.

“I’m not really dressed for the occasion...” Fionn slurs and Y/N nods her head defeated but understanding, “I mean look at you.” He chuckles, cracking his knuckles.

They are both so painfully timid in this moment and they are reminded why their conversations must usually be fueled by alcohol.

“But I’d love to come up.”

And Y/N has the fattest smile on her face, “Okay.”

Fionn looks at his car running in the background, “Give me a minute I’ll just park and come back real quick.”

Y/N nods again worried her words will be too bubbly. She’s pulled out of her world of excitement tangled with a twinge of panic when she unexpectedly feels Fionn’s lips pecking her own quickly and gently pulling back before she even has time to realize. An encounter that has her touching her lips.

They don’t talk much on the ride up or the walk down the hall, but they are so evidently giddy about each other without having to do or say much.

Y/N leads Fionn in and has him take his shoes off at the door. She seats him at her cute little table near her window and heads to her kitchen to put the takeout on her fancy plates she's always so scared to mess up. She can see Fionn through the half wall of her kitchen, taking off his light jacket and hanging it on the back of his chair. He catches Y/N taking a sneaky look at him and he holds her eyes with his until she gets nervous and begins to set the food onto the plates even faster.

"You need help?" He calls out leaning forward on his forearms.

Y/N holds up both plates in response and rushes over to where he is sitting, placing both plates on the table, then running back to the kitchen and back to the table with two water bottles. Once she's seated, she pulls her loose hair back and grabs her fork, waiting for Fionn to take the first bite before she starts to eat.

"I'm happy you're here, I think I owe you an explanation for what I did." And then she stuffs her mouth to wait for his response.

To her surprise, Fionn is shaking his head, "You're okay, as long as I know you're okay--"

"But don't you want to know why?" She pushes.

"Well, it's not like we're together." He says much more nonchalantly and colder than he intended for that to come out. The air around them goes still as Y/N chews her food extra slow. He's right, she thinks, they aren't together, and if she pushes him away and never tells him anything, they will never be together. But they will never be together either if Fionn believes Y/N doesn’t have to share anything with him because they aren't together. Y/N drops her fork confused at his words because while she appreciates Fionn reassuring her about how much space he is willing to give her, that she is not his and he doesn't expect to take anything from her, she wishes he could tell her some things he did want, and while he doesn't want anything from her, does he want her? -- in the way that she's been wanting him?

"Well..." She starts before looking at nothing in the middle of the table in a low voice, "Do you want to be?"

There is so much anxious tension that has made its way into Fionn's bones and down to his fingers and through his throat that it feels like food is lodged in his throat and his fork is unbelievably heavy. He didn't mean for it to come out like that, he wants her to know he has no malicious intentions behind his actions. He knows that she know he likes her, but he's come to realize that isn't enough, that whether he's tried to be open about about his feelings and had the impression that he was succeeding showing such, he forgot to express his desire to be with her, the desire that a relationship would exist just between the two of them. Everything had just been up in the air. Sure they liked each other, but what were they gonna do about it?

Fionn let’s out a laugh. He laughs, and Y/N cocks her head to the side as she watches him lean over the table to put a hand on her head, causing her to blush.

“Do you even have to ask?” He lets his fingers slot through her hair, gently dragging his hand down the side of her face to bring a couple of strands forward and frame her cheeks, “That's all I want.” He sits back in his chair, staring deeply into her eyes from across the table, “Do you?”

She can feel a smile bubbling onto her face until she reminds herself why they are sat here, and the wall that stood between her and committing to Fionn.

“I just want you to know that I’m still trying to trust you and it’s not your fault I just don’t want to compare you to anyone else and their bad actions... I just want to have you.” Her eyes trail from the table up to his eyes and Fionn is reaching for her hands and squeezing her fingers.

“Okay, that’s okay, and I’d like to be here to help you if you need. Okay?”

Y/N let’s her smile finally erupt and she’s leaving her side of the table to hug Fionn, arms around his neck, and his arms swinging up to her waist, pulling her into her lap where she mostly finds herself for most of the evening as they relish in each others touch, and lips.

. .

“Another hickey?” Gaby asks, spotting it as she exits a stall and Y/N fixes her hair in front of a bathroom mirror,“Never took Fionn for the wild type.”

Y/N rolls her eyes at Gaby, though there is a grin sporting its way to her face, “It’s just for fun.”

Y/N and Fionn have a great thing going, and while they aren’t together together they are exclusive. They’re usually together when he’s not away, she’s always the first person he calls or texts at the end of the day, the first person she facetimes when she tries to improve her cooking and he’s the first person she has been with that she truly trusts herself with entirely. They haven’t had sex, and there is no rush to, but they find themselves doing small things to please eachother, not truly ready to cross that line yet.

Gaby runs her newly soaped hands under cold water and watches Y/N adjust her hair to hide her hickey again, “At least I know you’re happy,” Gaby smiles, “and I no longer have to drive you everywhere. You should tell Fionn how much I appreciate him, you know, he does me as much of a service as he does for you.”

Y/N collides her hip with Gaby’s, pushing her away, and in return Gaby flicks her wet hands toward Y/N’s face who guards with her palms.

“Y/N learn how to drive for our sake.” Gaby pouts.

Y/N feels her phone vibrate in her back pocket.

I’m outside :)))

She smiles at his text, “Speaking of Fionn, he’s outside.”

Gaby leans over to engulf Y/N in a bear hug and rocks her, “Tell your boyfriend I said hi and thank you.”

Y/N says goodbye to the rest of her friends at the restaurant before heading out and rushing to Fionn's car running out front. She taps on the glass to catch his attention and he’s unlocking his car door for his lover, immediately reaching for the nape of her neck with one hand to pull her to his lips once she’s inside.

She pulls away, allowing one hand to rub his chest comfortingly before pulling on her seatbelt, “How was your day?”

“Better with you here.”

“My god,” her seatbelt clicks into place and she reaches for his bicep from the arm that still latches onto her neck, “what a sweet talker you are-”

Fionn is pulling her back in for another kiss, this time surprising her with his tongue that invades her mouth and swirls around her own, savoring the drink that still lingers on her tongue. He pulls her in deeper and deeper, and her hand is forced to fist at the material of his shirt near his waist to compose herself from the dizzying feeling that accompanies his lips. He pulls away unexpectedly, watching Y/N wait for more and pecks one more kiss to her flushed lips before removing his hand from her neck to change gears, then to the middle of her thigh.

Y/N watches Fionn quietly begin to drive off and she rests her hand over the one on her lap, encasing his fingers beneath her grasp. She can’t tell what’s got him quiet, or so worked up to kiss her so hungrily, but she doesn’t mind. Nor does she mind him kneading and stroking the inside of her thigh when they reach a red light.

“How was your day Y/N?”

His smile is almost innocent, but she can see his eyes flit to her neck and her hickey and back to her eyes.

“Good, just went to meet some old friends, Gaby says hi.”

He hums in response and his head falls back completely onto the headrest, — tired? — eyes watching her in a way that Y/N can’t put her finger on before he’s back to watching the road, gripping the wheel tightly.

“You okay Fionn?” She asks naively.

Fionn resists the urge to laugh, and the urge to reel her back to his lips and taste her. He’s been on edge all day, frustrated, and he painfully notices what’s been bothering him when an overwhelming heat rushes to his crotch when Y/N, looking lovely as ever, sits herself in his passenger seat with his work so clearly painting her neck when her hair is behind her shoulders. If he had to tell her the truth, he’s extremely sexually frustrated, maybe it’s just all the work stress he’s told her about and the yearning sensation to have relief from it in one way or another, but he knows Y/N and he’s not truly sure how many remnants of the past that she’s still reminded of, and how he doesn’t want her to feel obligated to fix an issue that he can handle now that he realizes it. Kissing her is just enough to satisfy him for now until he gets home and excuses himself, though her kiss always leaves him wanting more.

“I’m okay just - missed you yeah?”

Y/N traces her thumb over the indents on his hand and his rigid fingers, “You’re kinda tense you know. Maybe I can give you a massage when we get to yours.” She suggests happily and his grip on the wheel tightens even more.

He puts on his bravest smile and tries to hold onto it as he feels himself crumbling and his hand gripping her thigh tighter, not enough to hurt her, but enough for her to feel it and quirk an eyebrow. Y/N and Fionn sit in silence, which she finds weird because Fionn usually is telling her something interesting when everything is quiet but this time he’s reserved. She’s learned that he’s usually quiet when he’s tired, but he’s much more calm and relaxed when he’s tired, allowing himself to find comfort in his fatigue. This she can’t put her finger on, because she’s never seen it before, and she settles on making herself learn more about Fionn and this new expression of his that she doesn’t know.

When they reach his house, it takes him a minute to properly get out of the car that Y/N is already out of the car before him. Then he’s rushing to catch up, hand over her shoulder as they reach his doorstep. He’s fumbling with his keys from his rushed manner and Y/N realizes how long it takes him when she hears him huff. She looks over at his flushed face and finds herself pressing her hand to his neck. He relishes in the cool touch of her hand, washing him with relief yet also filling him with guilt that he’s so out of it because of something so silly. She takes his keys out of his large hands and into her nimble fingers as she begins to unlock the door. Watching the lock below her, there is something in her peripheral she’s not exactly sure about but for the most part she can ignore it. She adjusts her grip on his keys with one hand and accidently drops the set.

Cursing out loud she crouches down to pick the keys up, allowing her other hand to trail from his neck, down his chest and to his lower abdomen to steady herself. Fionn rests his head against his front door as her hand stops near his hips and he grabs onto her arm to keep her balanced. He feels like she is going to kill him with her touch alone.

When Y/N grabs his keys from the ground and begins to stand back up, she notices what has been hiding from her in plain sight and is now practically looking her in the eye, Fionn’s hard on.

Fionn notices her eyes, wide as ever trained on his crotch, and he quickly lifts her up to straighten out her legs before hiding his hips into the door and leaning away from her entirely. Y/N could laugh really, in a way it is funny, but she can also tell Fionn is absolutely embarrassed and has been hiding this from her so that she wouldn’t feel that pressure that her responsibility is to satisfy him, a secret wrapped in a web of other thoughts that she only told Fionn.

But she doesn’t feel that anymore, the idea doesn’t scare her anymore, they’ve been together for a while and she’s more than ready to admit she knows how she should be treated and how Fionn will treat her just as she should be. He’s all that’s on her mind anymore, no more past thoughts and actions haunting her mind, just Fionn and his lovely self.

She opens the door and they shuffle inside before she hands him back his keys and he’s closing the door behind them.

“I’m sorry,” He utters on edge, “Just give me a second yeah, I’m gonna take a shower and I’ll be good as new.”

Fionn is absolutely embarrassed and tries to put on his bravest face when he talks to her. Though he wishes he could run upstairs and relieve himself, he doesn’t want it to weird, knowing she’s down here full well aware that he’s upstairs stroking himself wishing it were her, so his best bet is a cold shower and then he can get back to his love and-

Y/N is kissing him before he has a chance to hurry to his bathroom. Her lips capture his and suddenly his rational mind is being overtaken by his dick when she presses into the front of his body and he unintentionally grinds into her, causing him to pull away immediately after dropping his head onto her shoulder, defeated.

“Y/N please, give me just a few minutes to calm down.”

One of her hands flies to his head and kneads through his hair, “You don’t have to,” she says, her other hand finding his belt loop, “Want to help you, only if you want me to though.” She whispers into his ear.

Want to, want to, want to. A part of him feels so incredibly happy that his girl wants to rather than feeling like she needs to like she once believed. On the other hand, Fionn feels all the blood rush to his cock and before he thinks too little, he’s grabbing her waist and pushing her away to look her in her eyes, “You sure?”

She knows that you sure? is aimed at asking her if she's truly ready, and that the past isn’t something that festers in her mind and affects her present, and she smiles, “You’re all I know now...I’m sure Fionn.” And the hand on his hip falls to his belt, “Can I?”

And Fionn is dizzily nodding and leaning down to kiss her again, using his hands to pull her over to the couch and have her fall on top of him, her knee between his legs rubbing against him, causing his head to lean back and for him to whine as Y/N takes the opportunity to drag her lips down his jaw and onto his neck where she sucks on his skin as her hands skillfully undo his belt.

She falls down to the floor, on her knees, one hand high on his thigh and the other tracing the waistband of his boxers, before she peels them back to reveal Fionn’s cock. He’s not huge, but he definitely is not small either and Y/N, prepared to take on the task of making him cum, spits in her hand before taking him in her palm and moving her hand up and down against him.

Fionn is incredibly sensitive to her touch just because he’s dying to release, and when her thumb comes to the head of his cock and circles around the tip, he’s bucking his hips up toward her hand, and gripping the couch cushion beneath him, eyes fluttering as he tries to keep his moans to himself. The precum that oozes from his tip allows Y/N to glide her palm against him, and when her reaction satisfies him, she leans forward and juts her tongue out to lick the underside of his dick where a long vein trails down his length.

Fionn is absolutely breathless and he gently taps Y/N’s forehead with his thumb to push her away and give him a chance to breathe. His hands run along her hairline until they are tangled in her hair, petting her.

“I’m doing okay?”

He’s speechless, she’s doing more than okay and he nods giving her a sweet grin as he continues to rub the back of her head, “Perfect.”

She gives him a couple of seconds, Fionn seeing the stars his own eyes, and the moment she feels he’s recovered she’s leaning forward and taking him into her mouth, the grip he has on her hair tightens and he’s pushing his back against the couch as he tries to keep his hips from thrusting into her mouth. Y/N takes what she can in her mouth, and takes the rest of him in her hands, her eyes watching his reaction as he squirms beneath her and moans and mutters curses under his breath.

“Your mouth,” He says breathlessly, “Doing so well.” He trails looking up to the ceiling silent words coming out of his mouth. He’s so close he can feel it but Y/N pulls away, her lips pretty with Fionn’s premature mess.

“You okay?”

She nods and places her hand over Fionn's hand in her hair, “Help me fit more of you, push me down.”

And Fionn who can barely speak, and feels as if he has tears pricking at his eyes watches her shake his hand out her hair for a moment to pull it back, using the hair tie on her wrist to tie it, “I’m sure,” She pats his knees and gives him a smile, “Wanna make you cum.”

Both his hands are flying to the side of her head gently slotting his finger through her roots, and she turns her head to kiss his wrist before she flits her eyes at him, telling him she’s ready. Her mouth encompasses his cock and her tongue lay flat on the underside of the vein that runs through it. She waits for Fionn to move her, and when he pushes her head down and bucks his hips up hearing a gag and feeling Y/N salivate around him he’s destroyed.

He isn’t too rough, but he isn’t going very slow either, he’s chasing his release with her mouth desperately moaning and whimpering lewdly, “You take me so well, you look so pretty- fuck- so fucking pretty. Fuck, Y/N-” and he fucks his hips faster into her mouth to glide her lips against his dick and provide him relief. He’s more than familiar with the sudden fire that begins in his stomach and his hold on the sides of Y/N’s face begins to loosen as he tries to tilt her head back and away.

“I’m- shit, gonna come” he tells her as she still hungrily sucks on him, “Y/N, please... please, I’m gonna cum, love, please.” He’s hungrily watching her and he closes his eyes everytime she pulls her mouth away from his cock just to bring it back down toward his abdomen.

She pulls back swiftly and looks into his eyes which causes his thumb to gravitate from her hair toward her lips and swipe over them from the pretty little face she is making, “Cum in my mouth then.”

Y/N uses both of her hands to stroke him once more and she wishes she could take a picture of Fionn, and how needy and breathless he is, trying to keep himself at bay. She takes him in her mouth one last time, fitting what she can and stroking the rest as Fionn is too paralyzed with pleasure to push her back down. The overwhelming frustration he once felt is fueled by a fire in his stomach that grows and grows and grows until he’s squirming under her, his eyes red , wanting to cry from how good it feels, and he’s a whimpering, whining and tugging on her hair.

“Please, please...” Fionn says trying his best to pull her away from all his sensitivity as she continues to suck him dry. She allows him to pull her off and feels a good deal of pride seeing him pant and the red flush on his cheek when she finally swallows.

“Feel better?”

He’s completely fucked out, and he tries to give her the best smile he can even though he feels she just sucked all the energy out of his body, “So much better,” he tells fixing her hair lovingly, “Thank you.”

She nods back at him, tucking him back in his boxers, and wiping the corner of her mouth preparing herself to stand with her now aching knees, but Fionn stops her, the hand in her hair keeping her in place as he leans forward. The other hand in her hair moves to her cheek and he leans her in and up to him, pulling her bum off the back of her heels, and bringing her into his lips. He can taste himself on her, salty, but he could care less, she still tasted sweet, and the two flavors melted together making her undesirable. And though he just got a blowie that practically numbed his entire mind, he knew exactly what he wanted, the one active thing he could think about was her.

Y/N pulls away, her eyes and brows scrunching together as she tries to stand up, “My knees fucking hurt, give me a second.”

And he laughs leaning back into the couch, his arms falling behind the couch cushion watching her stand up and shake out her legs. When she’s satisfied, she falls on the couch by his side.

“Where were we?” She asks, placing a hand to his chest.

“I was going to try to romance you but your knees were about to give out.”

“Fucking knees.”

The room is filled with a comfortable silence as Y/N kicks off her shoes and brings them up to her chest, her clothed toes tucked beneath his thigh.

“You know,” she starts, “If you hadn’t nearly vomited on everyone that one night then I probably wouldn’t have been sitting here.”

“If you hadn’t come to my rescue you mean.” Fionn says, fixing his arm to fall on her shoulder.

Y/N drops her head onto his shoulder and closes her eyes, tired from the day, and though she and Fionn wishes they could go a little bit further, having felt and tasted each other more, neither of them have the energy. Fionn brings her closer with one arm and kisses her forehead, “What does my girl want to do tomorrow?”

“Mmmm I’m your girl now?”

“Are you?”

“Am I?”

Y/N opens one eye with a mischievous smile waiting for him to answer, and he shakes his head playfully as he looks down at her in the crook of his neck. Yeah, he thinks to himself, she could be the love of my life.

He drops his head back against the couch chuckling out loud, "Yes.”

#Fionn Whitehead #fionn whitehead imagines #fionn whitehead imagine #fionn #imagine #imagines #one night #part3 #finale #writing #fanfic #fanfiction #series #dunkirk #fluff

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supercorp-hosie · 3 years

Text

My thoughts for Legacies 314:

1) Clarke!!! I like his air of cockiness when he do all this things, and especially when Hope break this air😂😂😂 I think since the show is constantly letting him show up like this, maybe at some point he will eventually turn up or be brought back by my Sowanby team? Oh my Holarke heart! I just love their dynamic like how I’m entertained by Lizdon dynamics🤣🤣

2) I still see that artifact that was broken because of Landon unnecessary move, why? I thought the arc was over? It’s just hilarious when Clark tried so hard to break it, even using explosives, but Landon just break it by throwing it to the monster😂 these brothers, I can’t 😂 (I know it’s because of the presence of Cleo, but still, funny!)

3) Okay, the way Hope just ended up with Wade, doing a drama about undying teenage love, I can’t imagine 🤣🤣 sorry Hope, but Wade can be a good teammate. And Wade has a last name - Rivers! Congrats! Poor Jed, another person that’s appear later than him and got a last name.

4) I just inevitably thought about the other witch Gaby, and relates back to Penelope😆. What if Penelope comes back and starts a war with Finch, that would be fun🤣 I can imagine they somehow would have to work together to protect Josie if something happens to her. They can look past that because they both care for Josie so much. Penelope/Josie/Finch anyone? (I’m secretly shipping Penelope and Finch too in my head, OMG can you imagine the volcano erupting? Enemies to lovers trope??)

5) Finally SBS has a teacher other than Alaric now.

6) I do think that the compelling works. Anyway, considering what’s going to happen, I’m certain that somehow Ethan is going to remember what happened with MG. If he’s going to be a supernatural, I’m rooting for vampire. We are really lacking vampires here.

7) I love Hope’s magical surges♥️ and how other students is taking that like it’s a normal thing around them. Unlike the school tour.

8) I love Hope needn’t to turn around to know that it’s Josie right away♥️ and Josie do catch up things around Hope when she’s not around after she returns.

9) Josie lied to Hope that Lizzie needs help(even though it turns out to be true doesn’t mean she didn’t lie), to help Hope with her mental state. Is this toxic or supportive?? Maybe I should just count it separately?

10) The twins clothes!! Contrast colours, love them!

11) I wonder who drove there....Hope didn’t have a dl in s1 (but two years has past now?) while in 307, Josie apparently walked to Mystic Grill to find Finch(but Lizzie did drive before in s2)....so? I bet it’s Hope...but how the hell did they even have time for driving education?

12) Hope, looking at Josie: like I said, trap. 😂😂but she just doesn’t even get mad at Josie?? Exactly how many times did she let Josie escape like that?? Poor Landon got grilled when he lied😂

13) We don’t worry about dick here🤣🤣🤣🤣

14) I love Finch just confidently stand up for herself, challenging Jed. But no, I don’t like Jed being thrown down by a new wolf again. But having female alpha is appealing too, I love to see that when Finch challenge the old system, then get to improve the abusive hierarchy towards the omega/new wolf in the pack. I was conflicted. I love how they resolved the issue in the end! It’s win-win situation and I love how Jed and Finch bond! Brotp/Sistp! And I love that from Finch perspective, we can see that the wolves let Jed win because they love Jed as much because they know Jed cares about them a lot and just willing to let him win. Not because Jed was oppressing them.

15) Btw, I can’t believe they are using pool/billiards/snooker to decide who becomes the alpha. Really I just don’t like how it works, like leading a pack is a game. But some wolves are born alpha. In real life, a pack’s alpha is always the one to lead hunting, be vigilant of any threat that can harm the pack, they really care for their packs, like Jed. Whilst there’s this beta position in the pack, they recognise the alpha’s leadership, help the alpha keeping others in line, help take care of other members too. Just like what I’d imagined, Finch can fit the beta position very well, for the time being, because of their dynamics. I’m not saying that Finch doesn’t fit as alpha, I think that beta always has the potential to be the alpha of a pack. I just love that now the dynamics in the pack somehow really resembles how the social hierarchy of a pack of wolves in real life.

16) appreciation to Finch being badass at pool/snooker/billiards

17) when Andy just called Hope’s name, why don’t the trio be surprised? It’s not like they even meet before?

18) when MG showed up, I just immediately believe in him. Love that Alaric defended him. I understand Dorian though, he’s always sensitive of rippers as his family was butchered by one. Please don’t blame him too much. MG living in a cave breaks my heart, I just recalled that Hope was homeless when she’s out of Malivore too! Double heart breaks.

19) MG diaries! I’m so proud of him, even Alaric validates his effort and his kind heart! I just rewatched 106 last night to do some fact checking for my hosie interactions 2.0 and twins relationships 1.0. MG has always wanted to be a superhero that saves lives. He has grown so much, from first fighting zombies, to super squad fighting monster, until now, saving normal people lives. I bet now Penelope can’t laugh at him when he first pitched his feelings to Penelope. Good job!

20) I’ve talked about the Finsie sitting together, so I only want to talk about how the relationship between Finsie is healthy for one another (for now, and at least they are not cringy for these two episode).They function independently and Finch doesn’t need to constantly worry about Josie all the time, like what Penelope fear of. Ofc it may also because that the twins have grown healthier.

21) even though Hosie were mind controlled, I just love how they have unspoken understanding between each other😂 Josie doesn’t need to tell Hope to make Lizzie stay with them to have Hope “as sonnum” Lizzie. Then only Josie said “stay with us”.

22) Hizzie hugs, and HOPE ANDREA MIKAELSON 🤣

23) I just love how Lizzie knows what to say to break Josie’s peace, while Josie knows how to break Hope’s peace. I see another spoken parallel from 308 about blindspot😂 Lizzie -> Josie -> Hope.

24) so if the drug sometimes doesn’t work on Lizzie, that means that there are times that Lizzie is really blue! Really at peace! I’m so proud and happy for her! Go Lizzie!

25) “ALL I WANTED FOR YOU IS YOUR HAPPINESS” this is so powerful! My Hosie heart! And really the last painful sentence, is fact. I’m sad for Hope because she’s so into that relationship until she can’t bring herself to do it and only leads to Landon leaving, but it’s also classic Mikaelsons(I feel), never giving up for their love ones. Appreciation to Landon, but still it’s strike three for leaving, please don’t let them be together again. It’s derogatory to Hope’s self-esteem.

26) I love badass Hope so much!! All the bodies she left! If I’m not already gay, she would have bent me into a mosquito coil by that scene, (so bent that I can’t be straight anymore). I love how Josie just let Hope outing her anger on these witches, freeze Andy, waited patiently for Lizzie and Hope to deal with Andy together.

27) I died laughing at these Pandemonium 🤣🤣🤣🤣 the badass trio in panda suit😂😂😂😂 I can’t! They’re so cute! And the height difference🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

28) How Hope tries to focus and dead serious in dealing with the upcoming monster but fails inevitably and miserably at Josie’s antics! All Josie does is laughing cutely at Hope and poking(?) her.

29) I love the trio so much!

30) haven’t watched any Star Wars, so I really thought that the one in the mask was Clarke until the Star Wars theme song started😫 too bad that Landon must have missed it.

31) Lizzie kissing Ethan is the last thing ever to have crossed my mind, so again, what the fuck?(sorry, language)

32) when I first thought about team building, I was thinking about finch + MG + Jed + Kaleb, but pack bonding, I’m satisfied too.

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damselofblueroses · 3 years

Text

The Children of Paradise

Summary: Set three years after the Rumbling, a young captain of Paradise Island, Anna Doukaina suddenly learned that her husband alive during the Paradisian Revolution.

Chapter Summary: After one month that Anna spent in the Doukaina's (Levi's Tea Shop) she was more than ready to explode. One day she decided to visit the Library and she had to face a couple of realities which she had no idea. This chapter contains a temporary health issue, if you can be negatively triggered by fainting, becoming numb or the loss of conscious please do not continue :)

Warnings: MANGA SPOILERS AND ESPECIALLY CHAPTER 139, Descriptions of Depression and Grief, Mentions of Death, Emotional Hurt. Progress of the fiction contains nsfw / Smut, minors please do not.

Note: The idea of Paradisian Revolution and the transformation of Historia Reiss are the offspring of my imagination, I would like to think about how would Levi’s aftermath of the Rumbling be in my head after I read chapter 139 :)

Word Count: 6.5k

Chapter Two: the Ouroboros

“Mrs. Ackerman?” I heard the voice of little kid, Sofia and turned to the source of voice. She was jumping to me by holding a bunch of daisies and dandelions. “Paul told me to give you these flowers.”

I kneeled down to blond girl who was always so lovely, her brown eyes were shining, and her checks were flushing with pink. I patted her head then gave her a piece of chocolate.

“Thank you very much, Sofia. When you and Paul visit me again?”

“We will come in the afternoon, Mrs. Ackerman.” she danced around me. “Gabi and Falco said that they will take us from school today and we can assist them in order to run the café.”

“You are a good girl, you know that.” I smiled. She could be my child. “But do you remember what I asked? Do not call me Mrs. Ackerman, I prefer to be called as Anna but if you want to call me with a surname, call me as Doukaina.”

“I cannot do that!” her eyes instantly became wider, stopped leaping around me like a cannibal. “We are told that we always have to call you by Mr. Ackerman’s name.”

“Who told you this?” I could feel my hands automatically turned into fists.

“Mr. Ackerman.” she was too naïve. “He is very serious, and also Paul strongly advises me to not cause Mr. Ackerman’s anger.”

“Yeah.” I murmured to little girl. “He is a short-tempered man. Anyway, Sofia, call me Anna whenever you will feel more relaxed, okey?”

Her face was telling me that she never would dare to go against Mr. Ackerman’s orders, but I did not say anything on the issue. Instead, I talked with her nonchalantly, made her more excited for the afternoon we were going to share then accompanied her till her house where was two apartments away from Doukaina’s.

Yes.

That bastard dared to name his fucking café after my name.

After leaving Sofia to her house, I came back to the café and tethering my teeth to the name. I was storming to the upstairs.

In the last one month, which I spent by refusing to talk with that motherfucker instead of expressing my thoughts on divorce and grunting a lot, I had a first-handed report on how much that bastard continued on his life without me.

I was in everywhere and nowhere.

The café had been under the Rules of Doukaina that Onyankopon had a civilized conversation with me after that bastard literally seized me in his home. He explained the rules while he was hoping that it would be a catalyser for me to calm down, nope, but I just listened to him without showing an expression. Basically, the rules included what I would like or not, and Captain Ackerman decided to run his own business by accepting my tastes as the standards.

His strategy works very well, Onyankopon shamelessly says.

What the heck I was, his strategy? His experimental rat?

I was fuming after that conversation, but I could manage to hold my anger and pain inside of me. Instead, I remained silent, ignored him when he came back to home, I refused to have dinner with him, I rejected every kind of proposes from him.

After Onyankopon, Gabi and Falco came to me.

Their visits were always hard because of two reasons.

Falco was a sweetheart; I could not refuse his kindness and Gabi had no idea on giving up even if when the occasion called for it. And trust me, my mental and emotional situations definitely called for silence, but Gabi did not get any signals. She told me a lot of stories on a vast range, starting from how horrible Mr. Ackerman was to how much he had been getting through.

Their visits always rip a brick off my invisible wall against him.

When I stayed by myself, and I generally chose to be alone, I realized the real reason of my presence here. It was the most painful part, I could not leave but it was not because of Levi had captured me against my will, I could not find the power of leaving him even though I have already refused even wishing a good day to him.

I cannot leave him, if I will set my foot on my way back to Paradise, I know that I cannot survive this time.

Everything I said, everything I had been doing did not mean a single thing. I was aware of my love to him, although I was broken into pieces because of him.

In this one month, every day I could see his face. Grumpy, unhappy, full of scars, deeply wounded, not like Captain Levi Ackerman who I knew in the past.

But, to my dismay I always loved Levi Ackerman, not the humanity’s strongest, not that legendary and reluctant hero.

I loved that fucking surly, petulant, grouchy, peeved, easily pissed off, clean freak, bossy, dominant and bad-mouthed Levi Ackerman who was always on my side. I loved that shorty who was reliable, extremely strong, capable of many things, careful, kind when the occasion calls for it and very clever.

He was my partner on the battlefield, my friend in the Headquarters, my lover in our tiny place.

Bearing witness of our separated 3 years did not help me to keep my anger against him, however, I had been trained by someone who was famous to hold grudges and has a small piece of forgiveness in the heart.

I was not only Levi’s but also Levi’s sculpture. He craved me with his heart and mind during the years of my training and beyond. Even our marriage bed was a training field.

Oh Jesus, when I remembered that night, a sudden flush attacked to my face, I could feel the heat on my cheeks.

I vividly remember Levi’s voice when he was praising me for being the best one for him although I was inexperienced till that night.

Can you stop remembering unnecessary memories?!

No.

I grunted to my useless brain and moved out of my tiny room. Levi gave me a room in his place when I refused to be in the same area with him. What a gentleman!

He knows you cannot afford a house, and he would kill someone instead of letting go to a hotel. He wants to keep you in front of his eyes, you were absent for a long time, Onyankopon said to me. He always believes he never see you again but all of a sudden you appeared.

If he wanted to keep me with him, why he did not come to fetch me after war, I asked to Onyankopon. He half smiled to me and told me this is a question to be asked to Levi himself. Only he could give me an answer, Onyankopon did not want to interfere our personal lives at this level.

Well, I guessed he interfered a lot but still I did not force him to tell me.

Levi’s flat was the second floor of his café, so I came down of the stairs in order to get fresh air. Levi was working behind Doukaina’s counter, he was dealing with bunch of customers whose I was getting familiar with some of them. When they saw me, they greeted me with their heads, I reciprocated by denying Levi’s strong presence. His eyes were piercing my back, I could feel it, but I refused to take a look back, I grab my coat and bag, then I stepped out of Doukaina’s.

He named his fucking café after me, how should I feel about this? Proud? No fucking way, every time I looked at this name, I lost my nuts.

He managed to be happy without me but living with my shadow. How could I forgive this?

I took a deep breath and started to walk on the street. My foot knew the way, the direction. I was heading to the library. To be honest, I was really so bored because of sitting on my back, it was not something I was familiar with. I had to keep myself busy, and I had to figure a way out in order to be back to Paradise.

With or without Levi.

After one month, observing him without talking, taught me that I could not be that cold-hearted bitch even if I desperately wanted to be. I could not tear him off his life, there was no possible option to try. He built a life for himself, Gabi and Falco, and Onyankopon.

How could I be so heartless taking them into our hell again?

They sacrificed a lot.

Sometimes I looked at Levi and I saw a middle-aged man who spent his life on battlefields, who lost everyone dear to him. His scars telling me how bad he hurt, sometimes he had been making a low-pitched grunt because of pain caused by his leg. He kept working on, but I could easily tell how much physical pain he was in. Falco secretly told me he was seeing a doctor, however there was no treatment to cure his wounded muscles.

And his eye.

I could not forget about his gleamy, metallic grey eyes and piercing look he could give with them. Now, he lost one of them, all the scars on his face, I bet my life on he felt like he was a beast.

Well, he was always a beast but a handsome beast.

Now, I could bet even my life on he felt like cannot be loved because he was no longer the humanity’s strongest, he was no longer Captain Levi Ackerman.

He was only Levi from Doukaina’s, the owner of a little tea shop, a semi-quasi father for a Marleyan kiddo gang.

How can you explain that to Armin? He believes you are trying to persuade Levi to comeback.

I have zero fucks to give the Revolution.

I was in a really darker mood when I reached to the library. The familiar scent of books got my senses immediately and eased my temper.

“Hello, Ms.” I heard the lady at the desk. “How can I help you?”

“Hello. I want to renew my membership to library.” I took my old card out of my purse. “Actually, I was a member, but it has been too long, so I do not know if I have to get a new card.”

“Let me see.” she reached to my membership card, and she gasped. “Miss Doukaina? Is that you?”

“Um, yeah?” I was confused because of her reaction. “Is that something wrong?”

“No!” she yelled and realized where we were and pressed her hand into her mouth. “I am sorry, but we have heard a lot about you. The headmaster will be extremely happy to see you again!”

“Is Angelo still here?” I proclaimed. “Really?”

“Yes, he did not retire yet.” she beamed. “Let me call him, or do you prefer to visit him by yourself?”

“I can go to his office.” I grinned like a Cheshire cat for this unexpected piece of news. “If you allow me, of course.”

“Be my guest.” she looked like I was a very good present and she definitely looked like she wanted to tell me something. I raised one of my eyebrows to push her, she could not hold it back anymore. “Forgive my boldness but I really admire your works!”

“Thank you.” I was surprised but I had to admit that I liked her boldness. I always liked to hear someone liked the works of my brain, it really meant a lot after killing titans and people like an endless string. I did not wish to be praised because of being a good fighter but hearing a praise because of being a good student or librarian was something else. “I am glad to hear that, I did not know they still have my work.”

“Your books are highly demanded both from colleges and individuals.” she smiled like a freak. I easily recognized the pattern of being a fan of someone, her face reminded me my face when I was trained by Levi. I know these shiny eyes, this excitement, this admiration. “I never think I could see you in person.”

“Maria,” another teenager appeared from the door behind of desk. “Headmaster calls for yo- Oh. I am sorry I did not see you Ms.”

“Fred,” she exhaled. “Do you know who is she? She is Miss Anna Doukaina!”

“What?” the young boy’s face went into blank he was literally frozen. “Who?”

“Anna Doukaina!” Maria repeated. “She came back!”

“A-An-,” Fred shuttered. “You must be kidding me; everyone knows she lives in Paradise!”

“Well, you are right.” I interrupted. “I am currently visiting Marley since there is no restriction on visiting people.”

“Yeah. You. Anna. Wow. Doukaina. You are right.” Fred’s eyes became widest, for a second, I thought he could manage to gauge them out only by looking at me. “Wow. Anna Doukaina is here.”

“What Fred means,” Maria stood up by giving her colleague criticizing look. “We do not expect to see you in Marley again after the speculations.”

“Speculations?” I cocked my eyebrow again. “What kind of speculations if I may ask?”

“Well, your husband lives in Marley without you, right? Both of you are famous names, he was a hero amongst people, you were named as a genius and people talks.” She at least managed to seem as embarrassed, but I could see the curiosity burned in her eyes. “You got your degree from Academia while your husband opened a café in the capital, but no one saw you guys together. Everyone believed that you guys divorced, after you went back to Paradise, most of us thought that you would not be back.”

“Holy shit.” I could not hold it. “I did not know we were a material for gossip.”

“You were topic number 1, actually.” Fred spilled the beans. “Especially when you refused to see Mr. Ackerman, a lot of husbands were condemning you.”

“What?”

“When you refused to see Mr. Ackerman,” Fred repeated himself like he was talking something quite natural. “A lo-

“Could you give me a moment, please?” I raised my hand.

“Are you okey?” Maria reached to me with a genuine worry.

“I am fine, thank you.” I replied but I could feel the panic attacks on the way, my breathing was becoming heavier, and my heart was pounding too fast. Bad combination.

“Fetch me a glass of water.” I heard another voice while the room is really starting to spin around me. “Quickly!”

A voice that was familiar to give orders.

A voice that was extremely grumpy but always managed to give me thrills.

The room was becoming darker, I knew that I was losing my sight and conscious for the first time in the last 5 years. Strong, muscled arms held me between their protection, before I fainted, I knew who was holding me.

Levi.

Levi Ackerman, an hour ago

“Oi, brat!” I looked at Falco, he was breathing too fast, and his face was totally red when he made an entrance to Doukaina’s. And his shoes are dirty, fucking hell. “What happened?”

“Mrs. Ackerman!” he yelled. “She is going to the library!”

“Shit.” I hissed between my teeth. Fucking woman. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Gabi saw her on the road. Does she know these people’s thoughts on her?”

“Of course not.” I untied my apron and throw it to Falco. “You are on charge, handle the rest.”

I did not waste a second, rushed to the road. I was definitely fuming, she did not know a single thing about the gossips on our not-so-well relationship, but for a while we were a quite popular topic for every living creature of Marley.

She does not know the curses of patriarchal system of Marleyan society about her, she does not know they label her as the cold-hearted bitch of Paradise.

She had been acting as a tough nut but there was a very fragile little girl inside of her heart, I knew it very well. If she were going to learn those gossips, she would be broken deeply. Even though, she has been ignoring me, I was aware of her true feelings, she did never want to be apart from me.

That’s why she could not forgive me, but she stayed with me.

I never want her to get caught up my mess, and I knew she would fight for me for her dear life, so I thought the only way was leave her to believe that I was dead. It would be better if she were not around me, but the only way to make it possible was building a barrier between us. There was no need for her to learn how many days I spent just missing her, just longing for her, hating myself so bad for letting her to go.

Yet, even with my rightful excuses and reasons, I deeply acknowledged the dire need of apologizing her over and over, begging for her forgiveness which I barely contained inside of myself.

Not seeing her around me was a hell of journey.

But seeing her around me was the worst scenario one could imagine, and I was being caught in really horrible situations since I was a boy in Underground.

She was my devoted girl, in terms of Hange’s very obvious language. She dedicated all of her to me with an incredible fidelity. When we were tying the bow, before the ceremony, before she vowed as my wedded wife, she was already the bone of my bone, the blood of my blood.

“Fucking hell.” I buzzed at my goddamn leg while I was walking to the library. It was making me slower, I hated being unable to do what I want as physically.

If I could have my body and strength as usual, the only thing I would do was taking her into my arms and having her over and over again like a fucking ouroboros.

I cursed behind my mouth and tried to walk faster. I had to catch that idiot before she was getting in touch with those poisonous vipers. However, I had to admit that what made me obnoxious more than I supposed to be not only those vipers, but also my unconscious contribution to that fucking cauldron of gossip. While I was keeping myself as invisible from her eyes when she was having an education here, I did not think of the things people could figure it out. They learned about Paradise, they learned about us, they talked about us, and everything was combined with each other.

In the end, she was labelled as an ungrateful bitch, and I was upgraded to faithful husband. I could not fix anything since I was bloody busy on hiding but hearing those comments about her fed me with pain.

She can be anything but being an ungrateful one? Do not make me laugh.

When I reached to destination, I quickly prayed for anything which could help me. I dearly hoped for she was not having any undesirable piece of information; I directly went into the entrance.

Godfuckingdamnit, she heard.

That was the first thing came to my mind when I saw her posture. Her shoulders were fallen down, her hands were shaking, and her face was nothing but full of agony. There were a couple around her, a boy and girl, they were trying to ask her if she was okey or not.

Do you think she is okey, you motherfuckers?

“Fetch me a glass of water!” I howled to them and attempted to catch Anna. “Quickly!”

Her body replied to my body immediately, fucking hell, her tensed muscled became a little bit softer when I grasped her between my arms. She was getting numb; her knees were twisting.

We had been here before.

Last time she fainted on me; we were butchering a bunch of titans.

I wonder if she carries the ODM scars still on her waist…

Is there anyone sees those little strings after me?

What the fuck I am thinking?

“Do not fucking dare to faint on me again.” I grunted but I held her as tight as I could dare of. She belongs to me, she is my bloody wife, damnit. “Keep calm and take deep breathes.”

“I am not going to faint.” she whispered, her voice was really weak, but I could hear her in every situation. Holy shit, I heard her voice when she fallen into a shitshow of titans and covered by her own blood during the clash of battlefield sounds!

We shared too many things.

“Yes, last time you said you were not going to faint, I had to carry you back to headquarters.”

“You were happy, weren’t you?” she mumbled. “I gave you the change of touching my body.”

“Hella, if I wanted to touch you, I would do before you found yourself between a titan sandwich.”

“Only in your dreams.” she said but her voice was getting weakest. I knew she was going to faint before the water, she closed her eyes, her hand dropped to the ground then the boy turned from the corner.

“Where did you get the water?” I yelled. “From Paradise?”

“I am sorry, Mr. Ackerman.” he shuttered. “There is a line in front of automatons.”

“Put that glass.” I turned to the girl. “I have only two questions to both of you. What did you say to her, and do you have something like cologne?”

“I have cologne!” the boy rushed to the back of counter desk. He left his colleague to my definitely dreadful gaze, what a companion, the girl started to slightly shake. I just looked at her by cocking my eyebrow.

“What did you say to her?”

“We did not sa-

“She fainted, let’s give up on acting and tell me what she learned from you enough to make her to lose her conscious. Before I am going to get angry.”

“She told her about the gossips.” I heard the boy’s little squeaks. “She left you, didn’t she?”

“As I thought.” I mumbled and stood up by carrying Anna’s body. “How much you told her? Tell me the whole story.”

“I swear I just talked about the speculations!” the girl angrily looked at the boy. “He told about Mrs. Ackerman’s refusal to see and its impacts on communi-

“How much you said?” I walked into the bench. “How much?”

“Just refusal!” he really screamed; his face was completely whitened. “I did not tell anything about her nickname, cold-hearted bitch!”

“If you will use that nickname again, you will not have a tongue to speak again.” I pressed on every letter of the sentence. “Tell this to everyone you know, if I hear a single word against my wife, you can be sure of I am capable of slicing living creatures like you can slice a bread.”

“O-okey!”

“Now, hold the door for us.” I turned to the main doors and walked out of the building by carrying Anna.

Carrying Anna?

What?

Anna Doukaina, after 4 hours

I woke up with a terrible headache.

Let me rephrase. I woke up because of a terrible headache.

“Here.” I heard a grumpy voice and a hand without two fingers came into my sight. “Swallow.”

I tried to move but his hand pressed me on the soft layer, a bed I guess, again.

“Feel free to lie down there. You have to rest according to the orders of doctor, so no sudden movements but you will spend a day here.”

Why a doctor came to see me?

My mind was foggy, slow to recall the last memories I had, however while I was having the pills that Levi gave me, I remembered the very last moments before I lost my conscious.

I was fainted.

Okey.

I was fainted on Levi.

Damnit.

I was fainted on Levi after I asked him if he was happy with me or not.

Godfuckingdamnit.

My mind corporate with me in the worst way I could imagine of. Those words of two receptionist, labelling me as an ungrateful wife, careless woman who did not consider her beloved one reminded me everything.

“I cannot open my eyes.” I lied to him. I know Levi is here and I am sure he did not leave me for a second, he waited me to open my eyes. I do not want to see him. “But I am pretty well, so you can go back to work.”

“I do not want to.” he plainly answered. “I will stay, and I know you can open your eyes if you want. But I respect your decision to keep them closed. I am not someone who is worth to look.”

“What?” I fell on his bloody trap and immediately looked at him.

“Oi.” he smirked. Smirk? “It is good to see you are awake.”

“How many minutes I was unconscious?” I asked but I could feel all the heat of embarrassment as I hopelessly tried to change the subject. This is why I hate being with Levi, I become a stupid, lovesick girl!

“Almost 4 hours passed after you fainted on me.” he seemed nonchalant as he informed me; my chin was dropped. 4 hours?! “I have to say, I am impressed. The last time you were fainted for almost half an hour.”

“It was not the last time.” I could not catch what I said, then I pressed my hand onto my mouth, but it was fucking too late. Levi’s eyebrows furrowed and he gazed at me while he was trying to figure what I meant.

“I will not force you to tell me,” he murmured, and he took my hand off my mouth. You are damn close, Ackerman! “But I really appreciate if you can share when you were fainted after that incident.”

“When I heard about the explosion.” I replied. I was too tired of being hiding from Levi. “I thought you were dead.”

Levi did not answer to me, instead of words, he was using his goddamn eyes. I always believed his eyes could see my heart and soul, even the deeps that I did not know anything about.

“Were you,” he cleared his throat after looking at me for a while. “Upset?”

“Ha?” I inhaled while my mind just left the building. “I thought you were dead; I was not upset. I wanted to die but I had to wait for you to be back to me. What would happen if you appeared in our home and could not find me? That was the only thought kept me alive.”

“How much you heard about explosion?” his voice was cracked. Full of fear. Anxiety.

“I knew that monkey exploded himself. No one told me in detail, no fucking one tell me that you are alive. I guess, they think I am nothing to you even though I carry your name.”

“I wanted them to shut their mouth about me.” Levi was a sweet talker as always. “I did not want my situation keeping you back from living your life as fully.”

“And what does it mean?” I managed to lift my upper body by gaining strength from my elbows. “Do you know how many days I spent mourning for you? Do you know how it was, believing that you were dead because of a monkey, because of Commander Smith, because of our goddamn world’s cruelty? An I had to continue on that way until the end!”

I could not control myself anymore, it was too much, overwhelming and suffocating. I just wanted to scream everything I have been holding inside out off my chest. I was definitely not in my best physical condition, and I really preferred to have this conversation in a situation which I would be at my best self-confidence time, but no. It was too late for that.

“Do you know how much I cried? Have you ever thought about me even for little while you are exactly aware of my devotion to you? How could you decide leaving me behind, in a total darkness by yourself? Not because once I was your wife, I was your comrade and you left me with the feelings like how you felt after Commander Erwin passed out.”

“Look at me!” he literally grunted towards me. “I am not the guy you have been knowing in the past anymore, I cannot give anything to you, unless you are fine with a small tea shop where is full of tea leaves, two Marleyan kids and a retired soldier’s company. And me, as wrecked, wounded to death, like a scumbag. How could I comeback to home like nothing happened to me, and face with you when you just having a change of living a normal life after war?”

This was the longest speech Levi gave to me till now, and we had almost half of our lives together.

“Do you think I could take you out of my mind even for a bloody second after I woke up in a fucking, dirty and cold barn? You were the last thought of me when that motherfucker exploded my cart, you were fucking crying and lamenting for me, you lost your smile, I knew that you could not overcome my death although the promises we gave to each other, I cold-heartly killed my subordinates before the explosion after they became fucking titans, but I cannot deal with the idea of you being dead. You are the only one I cannot sacrifice of. Do not act like you were alone in pain, I carried that burden, you have no idea how much I missed you, you were carved into my eyelids, I did not spend a fucking minute as not dreaming of you.”

“You should have let me know.” I gritted my teeth. To be honest, I was impressed by his honesty. Levi was always honest; however, he had never been vocal about his own feelings, I knew for once he loved me, but I had never ever heard those three words, eight letters. “There is nothing left to be said by you, you cannot find an excuse for your choice.”

“I do not try to find an excuse.” Levi said. “I explained how I felt to you until you appeared in front of my door, for a long time I strongly believed that you were a ghost.”

“What do you expect?” I hissed at him. “Do you think I can easily forget your misbehaviour? I know you like knowing the back of my hand, you always choose the way that makes you less regretful and you chose to leave me behind.”

“I did.” he inhaled. “And that was the best choice to make. I could not drag you into my shit.”

“How could you do that?” I asked but all my anger left me. I suddenly started to feel like I was empty, there was nothing but pain. “How could you, Levi? I was your wife.”

“You are my wife.” he grabbed my hand. Did he really believe that he could change our hiatus? My emotions were remained untouched, maybe he could be right on his mindset, maybe he really thought about me and tried his best in order to keep me out of his personal hell, however it did not help me to overcome all the sleepless nights I had. I pulled my hand back out of his fingers. I was searching for this hand during the long nights he caused, and there was no guarantee he would not leave me again. If he would decide on leaving me behind was the best thing to do, he would do it immediately. He would not ask my opinion, he would leave me alone with only my thoughts, my memories of him and he would let me to eat myself alive. I could almost taste the bitterness on my tongue, I could not let his poor reprimands to break my walls while my wavering feelings of abandonment conquered me.

Rain hitting the windowpane above, not a playful and soft type of rain. That was cruel rain that beating the life out of city. Suitable for us.

“You are my wife, Anna.” he repeated himself. “Should I remind it to you, goddamn, I can happily do it.”

His face transformed into something I have ever seen in his features. His Aegean eyes turned into a stormy sea in a second, burning with unnamed desires which I was also feeling in the deeps of my heart. Determination conquered his fucking handsome face, and there was fear. Self-hatred. Regret. But much to my dismay, there was a dire need of teaching me a lesson that set his soul on fire.

I have been knowing this face of Levi. I have been there before.

I knew when he got me and he knew he did.

In a blink of an eye, before I could take any position to defend myself, he grabbed my wrists and pulled me to his arms. He was fucking strong for a man who lost his strength! I quickly realized the potential danger I was in. If he would touch me, I knew that my heart did not spend even a second to betray my mind. That would be the nail in my coffin.

Even though the haziness of my mind slowed my reactions, I covered my face with my hands.

“Do not fucking dare.” I dropped my voice tone as I was informed on, I looked more intimating when I threat someone with lower tone. I did not tone down my wording, there was no place to be gentler with words, I was going to use my curses and I had quite a vocabulary. “If you lay even a finger on me, that’s going to be only way makes you regretful.”

“Maybe.” he did not try to take my hands off my face, and he literally locked me in his embrace. “I assume so.”

“If you do,” I struggled to get rid of his arms around me. “Why don’t you use your brain and let me go? For a better life?”

“So smart.” he huffed once in laughter. What the fuck? The tension of the room changed into something I really did not want even to think of naming it. “I do not have intention to let you go. Never again, brat.”

“Levi, I swear on everything you can believe, if you do not le-

“What will you do?” he interrupted me. “According to you, I already fucked the things up and you told me you will never give me your forgiveness. What makes a difference between not being forgiven for a sin or for two sins?”

“This is the shittiest logic I have ever heard, and I was in Military Police for a while.” I forgot to press my hands onto my face due to his unexpected, unpleasant, and twisted thought about forgiveness. “I do not know where you learned about sins, asking for forgiveness or literally remission, but I think you lost couple of important points.”

What I missed was while I was lecturing him on forgiveness, I let my hands down and I had been sitting on Levi Ackerman’s thighs.

More importantly, he was definitely not the type of man who miss a chance to perform what he aimed for.

He caught my hands immediately and he pressed his lips into mine.

When I felt his velvety lips on my mouth after fucking years, that sensation made me numb in a nanosecond. My logic just left the room, left me with my dire need for Levi. His hands. His lips. His love. Everything about him, I just need Levi, Godfuckingdamnit he always affected me like anaesthesia.

He kissed me and it made me felt like I was breathing again.

I could feel he loosened his tight grip around my wrists by the fact that I was definitely not fighting with him, on the contrary, I was responding to him in the way he wanted. I knew that I was going to be extremely ashamed of what the heck I was doing right now, but even the sorrowness eating me every day refused taking the control of my body back, I felt like my flesh gained an independent character who was begging to my soul for keeping the things as they were happening right now.

Levi was kissing me. His goddamn lips made me feel like I was alive.

The Ouroboros that living inside of me started to comeback into life. With every move Levi made, I could feel Ouroboros biting itself inside of me by releasing the poison.

“No.” I broke the kiss and pressed my hands to his shoulders in order to keep him away from me. He was heavily breathing, his beautiful face became pinkish while his lips shading with darker red, and his eyes, goddamn, his eyes were burning with passion.

He looked like a god, and I hated him for his level of good-looking to my bits.

I was burning too but my fire was caused by different reasons except one, the reciprocated hunger for each other was remained same between Levi and me, to my dismay I strongly felt it. However, the anger was growing in me was for both of us. To him, for his fucking departure and leaving me by myself and his shitty excuses, building a life without me, living a life in the shadows, and running away from me. The list never ends. To myself, for loving him as much as the first day I realized how much I devoted my heart to him and never manage to overcome my love for him even though I had to.

“I love you.” he said. “You fucking know, I spent my life by loving you, brat.”

Maybe there was an earthquake.

Maybe there were bombs exploding all over Marley or Paradise.

Maybe there was a chain of natural disasters which happening right now.

But I could not understand even if I would be brutally killed in this very moment.

He finally said that he loved me.

“If you say no, I will not do anything.” he murmured. “Just tell me.”

I stared at him, how could he be a total moron and did not see how I was amazed by his long-awaited confession? Inside of me, I was screaming, swearing, crying, laughing, and cursing at full speed but I was frozen in reality.

Let me introduce Levi Ackerman to you.

A blockhead, humanity’s strongest and my Ouroboros literally and figuratively eating me alive.

My Levi.

“May I continue to kiss you?”

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