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mattbegins · 2 months

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I’ve rewatched the scene with Bobby talking to Eddie so many times because it really reads like Bobby has some idea that what Eddie’s actually unknowingly struggling with is something in regards to his sexuality, and everything he talks about are things I had begun coming to terms with in the last two weeks as I’ve questioned my own sexuality so this conversation was really personal to me because hearing Bobby lay that out for Eddie immediately resolved my own crisis and now I’m certain I’m not bi- I’m gay (and demi). Which is a huge thing for me to realize because I’ve identified as bi ever since I started dating 8 years ago. But Eddie’s struggle and confusion makes all the sense in the world to me because I had/have the same questions as him and struggled to reconcile the clear feelings and care I had for women/femme presenting people I’ve dated, but I always felt like I was playing a part (“performing” as Eddie called it) and while I knew the lines and cues and it was easy to do, something was always missing. I felt like I was doing something ‘right’ and there was a sense of relief in that, something adjacent to happiness, but it always came up short. I would love talking with and hanging out with these partners and had been good friends prior to dating, but driving home I would wonder why I didn’t feel giddy or whole. Why I could never initiate physical contact. Why I could only objectively acknowledge that they looked beautiful, but that never translated to attraction. Why I couldn’t imagine futures together. But I liked these people. I cared about them. It was confusing. And after each inevitable break up I questioned if I just wasn’t meant for relationships.

But when Bobby validated those feelings and pointed out that Eddie doesn’t have commitment issues in general, it only seems to apply to women in his life, I thought about my relationships with men. My two longest relationships lasted 6 months and 3 years respectively, and they were with other men. My last crush was on a man. Flirting with men comes easier, I feel more loose and giddy in a surprisingly enjoyable way, I become more charismatic and at ease, I can show physical affection and compliment, and when I think about the future- road trips and grocery runs, school pick ups and drop offs, falling asleep on the couch or in the passenger seat- I see that with another man.

I think of me, and I think of Eddie. He and Shannon were friends as children and were close for years before they started dating, but only got married because she was pregnant and there was strong religious influence and social factors pressuring them. He cared about her though, he liked her, just as he cared about and liked Ana and Marisol. Those base feelings are valid, but the extent to which they manifest is dissonant for him. The idea of these relationships never matches up to the reality. It’s a performance and it’s a role he’s uncomfortable playing but has gotten used to because he didn’t know how to question it and he’s already learned the lines and blocking. He expresses he prefers being single because he can just hang out with guys because it’s less complicated, but he’s not at the point of questioning the source of that ease. He can’t commit to his girlfriend moving into his house, but he can commit to making Buck the guardian of his son in his will. He forges infinitely stronger bonds with the men in his life and we see a side of him that’s less conflicted, more at ease, more honest and silly, and freer than any time he’s with a woman.

Eddie Diaz made me realize I’m gay, so yeah, I’m pretty certain he is too.

#911 spoilers #thank you bobby nash #this was so helpful and liberating for me #eddie diaz #911 abc

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fourstarsoutofnine · 11 months

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(Sorry i haven’t been active or updating a lot I know that’s a bad impression since I just got here but there is so much going on rn in my life😭 here’s this small thing for compensation)

Chain as Taylor Swift songs/albums(ft. Ravio and Malon)

Once again being self indulgent. More content that caters to myself bc apparently the creative juices only work for a small amount of time and only what provides serotonin to me currently. I’m out to break hearts so a ton of these will be sad. You’ve been warned.

｡･:*˚. • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆ .☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ✧˖*°࿐ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ˚➶

All of the chain:I think they all can identify with Innocent from Speak Now. I didn’t wanna keep adding it to each of theirs so here’s just an overarching statement that they’re all Innocent.

Time: never grow up. Like most, if not all, of the links, he had to grow up far too early and be what Hylia chose him to be—and I can hear him telling this to his future children:don’t grow up too fast. He had to and he never wants that for his baby. He wished he never had to grow up so fast, even if he had to save the world. Just because he had to doesn’t mean doesn’t mourn for his lost normal childhood. As for an album I think he’d be the fearless album.

Twilight:as an album he’s so evermore. I almost said debut but no no no. He’s evermore. Uhh as far as a song tho, idk I may be swayed by the fact it has the word cowboy in it, but I associate cowboy like me with twilight so heavily. Another song could be right where you left me if you squint and are delusional for MidLink.

Sky:HE IS SO LOVER! Both the song and the album! Omg! /shaking you by the shoulders/ this boy is so Lover ugh oh my gosh. Bright and beautiful and loving, accepting, kind while still having those notes of sadness, longing, and serious thoughts. The album Lover feels like a hug from a friend, and that’s what sky embodies.

Wind:can I interest you in The Best Day? Also You’re On Your Own, Kid. Also A Place In This World. He’s very much the younger taylor albums, like fearless. A good many of them read fearless to me and I couldn’t tell you why. For wind it’s because it seems like shiny and new and ready for what the world throws, but still a sense of hesitance.

Wild:Epiphany, This Is Me Trying, or Peace. He’s so folklore coded to me. The depictions of death and inability to save lives in epiphany, the heartbrokenness of this is me trying, one who’s making desperate attempts to be who they need them to be, and the sadness of Peace—cannot console and bring peace over the heart of someone who’s broken, but by Hylia if he isn’t gonna be there the entire time for the person.

Warriors:I think Change from Fearless. I also see him as Mirrorball, specifically because I feel like he puts up such a front and feels like he always has to stand tall and strong because of who he was as captain of the guard—but also since there’s so many young and impressionable men in the chain he feels like he has to be a good role model, especially for wind, and keep his head up about everything and make them smile and feel reassured when times are tough. As an album, probably Midnights. It feels like a start of something new and I think Wars embodies fresh beginnings—he just gives that vibe to me idk why. It might be because he left the scene of planning for wars to being out on his own adventure aside from what the army gives him.

Four:this one was hard. Four was really hard to pick for. Uhh—I think Seven maybe but I’m not sure. As for an album I feel like he’d be pretty Folklore as well. Could be just me projecting tho as if this whole thing isn’t. Four is so complex to me that it’s really hard to pin down. I chose Seven because it feels like a conversation between best friends. I’ve also seen that it’s meant to be listened to as someone speaking to their inner child to tell them everything is gonna be okay and that they’ll be together in the future and things are good now, and that interpretation gripped me by the throat and forced me to put this song for Four, so.

Hyrule:my dear sweet Hyrule and his imposter syndrome get anti-hero bc that’s the imposter syndrome anthem. He doesn’t feel like he’s a big hero, or even deserving of that title, so he feels a bit like a lost cause and that song is the perfect depiction of that. As an album, idk why but he’s reading very debut to me ?? I couldn’t tell you why, it’s just a vibe I get.

Legend:ohhhhhhhh my gosh. Okay. Get ready for this—I have So. Many. For him. Can you tell who’s been giving me brainrot recently? Anyway, first I’ll say his albums would be folklore and evermore. They’re so tragic to me and what is Legend if not a tragic, guarded little man(said with so much love, he’s my comfort character). As for songs, we’re Starting off strong with Labyrinth, then wildest dreams(cough) Then sad beautiful tragic, Cornelia street, anti-hero, i could go on. I won’t. We’d be here all day😭

Ravio:my tears ricochet. Idk I just thought of the idea that he gets stuck in Hyrule if dink is defeated and he can’t get back to Lorule so the part that goes “I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home” hurts :)

Malon:WHOOH! Okay a happy one: Christmas tree farm and Fearless! And Malon is also such a fearless album girlie to me idk. Another song would be Superman. She loves her sweet hero husband and will always be there for him when he gets back <3

I hope you guys like this as much as I do😭 sorry if you don’t, I’ll get back to our regularly scheduled programming soon, it’s just been hard recently to do larger things. Sorry for everyone waiting on requests to be completed, I promise I haven’t forgotten you.

#linked universe #linkeduniverse #lu four #lu twilight #lu wind #Lu Malon #lu Ravio #Lu time #lu Legend #lu wild #lu sky #lu warriors #Lu Hyrule

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thislovintime · 1 year

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Peter Tork; photos by Nurit Wilde.

“Tork in the late 1960’s” - Nurit Wilde, Instagram, June 19, 2021

“I’m free, I don’t know what I’ll be doing. I’m actually a little apprehensive, because there’s no doubt that there are three other incredibly talented fellows out there. They’re very talented guys. Mike is one of the funniest people I’ve ever known. Micky is even funnier and Davy is just cute as a button. Who could ask for anything more? Davy dances so great, did you see him dance in the film? I’ve not seen dancing like that on the screen except from Fred Astaire. The only other thing is that I’m both really relieved and really, really apprehensive. I’m terribly glad and also terribly sad.” - Peter Tork, NME, January 25, 1969

"[Tork] says The Peter Tork Project plays music ‘sort of on the heavy end’ of album-oriented rock radio. ‘We’re not heavy metal per say, but we’re just on the pop side of that,’ adds the affable performer. The band, formed in January with Scott Avitabile on guitar, Jerry Renino on bass and Derek Lord at the drums, is one of several ensembles with which Tork has performed since leaving The Monkees. [In the early 1970s, Peter was a member of the] San Francisco-based rock band named [Osceola]. ‘That was a name full of significance,’ he said. ‘[Osceola] was chief of the Seminoles, the only tribe never to have surrendered to the federal government.’ Tork said he identifies strongly with that kind of defiance. ‘All of my early life was spent feeling out of whack. Physically I matured late and never was very athletic and always found myself on the short end of the stick. I was raised in a liberal family in the middle of the McCarthy era.’ Against those odds, Tork inevitably developed an inferiority complex that he carried into adulthood and his musical career. When he became one of four young men chosen out of 437 applicants to become what were supposed to be the ‘American Beatles,’ his self-doubt grew to mammoth proportions. ‘Half of the time I would think I didn’t deserve it and the other half I would think I was God’s gift to the children. I got my head turned around. It was the “arrogant doormat” syndrome low self-esteem combined with arrogance.’ [...] Tork recalls now that he wanted things done his way, but wasn’t willing to put his effort where his mouth was. His subsequent attempts at a career of his own were consistent failures, and for a while in the mid-’70s he joined his wife in the teaching profession, instructing a variety of classes in private high schools. That career was shortlived. [More about Peter’s time teaching here and here.] ‘Not that I didn’t enjoy teaching, but there’s no money in it. It’s a tragic comment on social priorities, but there it is.’ Tork expresses fervent enthusiasm for his new group [...]. As for his old bandmates, with whom he enjoyed superstardom for such a short time so many years ago, Tork says he stays in touch. Assessing his relationships with each one, Tork favored the diminutive, British-born Davy Jones ‘because he could see things the others couldn’t. Occasionally he was able to reach down into the depths.’ Drummer [Micky] Dolenz, who gained childhood fame as TV’s ‘Circus Boy,’ was ‘a whole lot more fun’ to be around than the other Monkees. Nesmith, considered the most creative of the four, was the most ‘respectable, in the sense that he did his work and had a sense of his own work ethic.’” - The Daily Oklahoman, November 7, 1983

"To tell you truth… I… I never was able in those days [the '60s] particularly — I’m getting better at it these days — but in those days I was almost entirely unable to fight for what I saw as quality. If I didn’t get somebody fighting on my behalf then it didn’t, just didn’t come to pass." - Peter Tork, Headquarters radio, September 1989 (read more here)

"I had pathological self value. I really didn’t have a sense of it at all. I didn’t get why. I thought I had been picked almost at random. I didn’t have any sense of myself bringing anything except that character to the Monkees. What I thought they hired me for was that character, and I think to this day that that had a lot to do with it. I didn’t recognize how that sprung forth from whom who I really am. I thought I was faking them out. I thought I was handing them a lie and they were buying the lie — and so how could I value myself? Any time you compliment somebody and they can’t take the compliment, what they’re saying to you is, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ That’s the message that anybody with low self-esteem gives back when somebody compliments them. Which is where I was. All that played into this fame thing.  And it plays backwards, too. The reason that I got into the fame game was because I didn’t have any sense of value. I thought, ‘Jeez, if I can get the millions to love me then I’ll be all right.’ I got the millions to love me — and it still wasn’t all right. What a surprise. Ha, ha, ha.” - Peter Tork, Toxic Fame: Celebrities Speak on Stardom (1996) (x)

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marshmallowmario · 10 months

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Alex 🌸

We’ve had a very validating day today. We finished an important chapter in “Dissociation Made Simple” by Dr. Jamie Marich. She stated “Remember that you do not have to qualify for a dissociative disorder or any mental health issue to identify, name, and map your parts.”

People online always made us insecure about identifying as plural because we lack a diagnosis and probably would not qualify for one anyways. However, this has always been a part of us. It is a fundamental part of who we are and how we navigate life.

I am so blessed to have a mother who I can be open and honest to about how I am navigating the world. We have been explaining parts of the book to her over the past week, and today once I finished this chapter I unloaded a lot to her. She gave me very validating knowledge of my childhood, telling me that she worried about me as a child (pre 10 years old) because I had this ability to completely switch my emotional state on a dime. I could have been crying and wailing one moment, then the next completely fine with no care about my previous worry. She said I used to cronicly sleep walk as a child. I would wake in the night with a concern, sometimes speaking in words she couldn’t understand. Later I would have no recollection of it ever happening. I still have many many gaps in my memories of childhood, but these aren’t because of any complex trauma.

Hazel, one of my headmates, has been with me since the begining. My mom says I used to talk about my “imaginary friends” quite a lot to her. She recalls the name Hazel, she even exsists as a mii on the family’s original wii console.

This is how I’ve navigated life the whole time. Nothing other people say will change my experiences. They happened, are happening, and will continue to happen. It just feels so freeing to be able to get this all off my chest and feel confident for once sharing my experience. I really hope I can encourage others to speak and live their truth. Hiding fundamental parts of yourself is very isolating, but you’re not alone and never will be. Feel free to reblog, in fact I encourage it.

#plural #plural gang #plural things #multiplicity #plural posting #important #endogenic #traumagenic #peachy alex #peachy marsh #long post #save #reblogs encouraged

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allthebeautifulsouls · 2 months

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CW: mention of theoretical rape/non-con, discussion of mental health, mention of smut

I’d like to try to start writing fic—I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted all AO3 has tagged with Helmut Zemo. Perhaps let’s start there. Why on earth have I latched onto this middle aged man with such a ludicrous degree of self-projection?

This is a terrorist. He is referred to as a war criminal—you don’t get that designation from a single bomb attack. What does one actually do on a Sokovian death squad, much less the commander? I should take him and his crimes seriously. My brain always conveniently slides over this part. I suppose on some level I desperately want him to be redeemable, which I feel is fairly inconsistent with war crimes. What do I consider unforgivable? Rape. Dehumanization. Genuine non-sexual sadism—relish in the suffering of innocent others.

I can’t envision a version of Zemo that willingly rapes another human being that I can empathize with, and this seems to elicit almost a gut-reaction. I’ll enjoy some of Hydra Steve or Evil Bucky, but as soon as it gets to Zemo I balk. Some might argue that sadism is a hallmark of his personality. There’s this one brilliant writer whose work I adore who has one fic discussing the possibility of Zemo’s actual war crimes, and I’ve never actually finished it, each time I feel almost nauseated. Why is this so?

While he’s likely been my strongest obsession, he wasn’t the first. For a few years there were Bucky recovery fics (pre-TFATWS). For a time in college, when I went through my depressive episode and all that came after, I genuinely felt that I had no idea how to be a human being and that I had to establish it from first principles. To have this character literally try to figure out how to be a human being and not a machine, I think it calmed something inside me to see my internal struggle made so explicitly external and magnified. How do you build from nothing? Or, worse than nothing, a ragged slate of pain and numbness and despair and fear? Of course, my issues weren’t anywhere near the magnitude of those depicted on screen and in fic. To be honest, they’re fairly typical of figuring out how to be a young adult. Still, this kind of fic deeply resonated with me for reasons I couldn’t understand. Throw in my figuring out my sexuality and interests over that same period, my exploration of kink, and there were a whole bunch of interesting things—still are.

And now, a slightly different time in my life, a different character. In truth, I think what it always is, as with all comfort characters, is projecting my deepest insecurities and dearest hopes onto them. Wanting to find a better story for myself. I’m a sucker for a redemption arc—I started figuring this out with Zemo, but it really crystallized after I read a few excellent Draco/Harry fics. I want to see someone who has genuinely been bad put in the work to genuinely become good. I want to believe that I, too, can be redeemed, even if I can’t figure out yet how to ask from what.

I’ve had a bit of trouble with some slight scrupulosity, and so it’s this version of Zemo as an exhausted, world-weary, suicidal, scrupulously moral (to his own code) master strategist that has me by the heartstrings.

He has experienced so much pain and loss, and he is so tired, and his is so driven by this one overwhelming goal, and everything must be precisely the way it should be—come hell or high water he’ll finish his mission. He’s a master strategist, he looks at the world and sees interlocking systems, identifies the many interwoven strings and twings only the precisely correct one to accomplish his goal. He is precise and methodical and tired and hurt, still hurting, still working. I want to see him rewarded for his efforts, see him acknowledged as good, redeemed, a protagonist suffering instead of a villain wallowing. Painting him as a tragic figure allows me to feel better somehow in my small challenges—not necessarily a positive all the time. I can and have, after all, thrown myself into reading fanfic to hide from my fear, shirk my responsibilities. It hasn’t always had a positive impact on my life. And yet in other ways it has been deeply comforting and inspiring. And just fun.

With that all being said, the majority of this blog will be unrepentant smut XD

#winterbaron #helmut zemo #tfatws #bucky barnes #fanfic #ao3

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gilligans-islands · 3 months

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i had the realization recently that i do not actually present myself femininely

my everyday clothing consists of a baggy tshirt, jeans, and some sneakers, maybe a jacket if it’s cold. im never really in skirts or dresses unless im in a particular mood to wear them. despite this i was under the impression that i present myself femininely

and then i saw this post a while ago that had a line in it that stuck out to me. i couldn’t remember it now if i tried but essentially what i remember knowing afterwards was that

my body is not what dictates my gender presentation

ever since i saw the post i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. it’s really opened my eyes to how wrong i’ve been seeing how i present myself. i’m afab and also a midsize person so i have pretty apparent chest and hip areas that make many look at me and go “ah she/her of course” i have accepted this, i know this will happen.

this, as i have realized, does not change the fact that i don’t present femininely. my clothes are no different from some long haired man you could see walking down the street. they aren’t really gendered at all! but people look at me and assume i am a woman and i know why, it makes sense to me that they do, but it’s because of this that i at some point accepted into my facts of life that i present femininely.

i don’t, i never really have. i’ve just been convinced that i do by people who only look at my body and think they know how i identify. and i have ached because of it. i have grieved over the fact that i will forever present as feminine because of my body, because of what other people see.

this realization has made me see it’s not true. this realization has made me see how i have been perceiving myself wrong. it’s let me see that somehow despite already knowing this, despite never inflicting these same assumptions upon other people i have inflicted them upon myself.

it’s weird to have made so much progress with your gender identity only to uncover yet another thing that was buried deep underneath the expectations and stereotypes forced on you your whole life. slowly i have peeled away the layers hiding my true self and with this i am one more layer free.

it’s been freeing and i actually feel more comfortable and confident leaning into my fem side now knowing that yeah i’m actually on purpose looking like this and it’s not just “my default setting” or something

i don’t look in the mirror now and think about how my jeans accentuate my hips a little more than i would prefer today and instead when i start to think that i stop and think “am i really dressing all that different from any non fem person??” and the answer is always NO

so i guess if anyone else out there is reading this and if my ramblings make sense i just wanna let you know that your body is not your presentation and nobody else gets to decide what is.

#this is a long post but i wanted to get it off my chest #i’ve been thinking about this for about 3 weeks now #i’ve done a lot of introspection about this #shoutout to the post that made me have this realization #i really needed it #i wish i could remember what even spurred this from me but i cannot #anyways i hope this might help someone else out there #agender #genderqueer #transgender #trans #nonbinary #gender stuff #gender dysphoria

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whatevergreen · 1 year

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A must read article (mostly a series of interviews) on LGBTQ life in pre-1990s Arizona.

A few excerpts:

"La Noue: What was it like being a gay man in the ’60s? You didn’t really say much about it to other people, you know, unless they were close family. And, a lot of people couldn’t even talk to their family about it, you know. Fortunately, my attitude has always been my whole life, “I don’t give a shit. If you like me, that’s fine. If you don’t, fuck you. I don’t need you in my life.”" ---------

"Shore: Parties were also being raided. I found one article from back in ’56 talking about how there was a house party where they arrested all these men identifying as [homosexual], and it gave the number of attendees and broke down which races they all were.

The Phoenix Police Department was also raiding other LGBTQ hangouts in those years. In August 1964, cops busted the 8th Day coffeehouse near First and Roosevelt streets. Twenty-three people were collared for lewd and lascivious acts or drunken and disorderly conduct.

"Kim Moody: I was there. I was arrested. It was this bungalow on First Street. We were partying inside, dancing; it was a full house and very sweaty and hot. I was dancing with a teacher friend of mine. The cops came in and we just kind of froze; some tried to lurch but there were too many policemen at all the exits coming in. And I was arrested and put into a paddy wagon.

Dana Johnson, co-owner of The Alwun House: He had to call his dad from jail to come and get him out. It was so humiliating for Kim.

Shore: Whenever you had the police come in to raid, the fear was that they’d take your name, your address, and there was the threat of that then getting published in the newspaper. And when that happened, all those folks would lose their housing, their family, their jobs, without a doubt."

"Ron Wilcox: I never learned about Stonewall until into the ’70s, because when it was going on in 1969, there really was no real gay news [outlets]. We just didn’t have all of these newspapers, magazines, the internet, and everything we have now.

Marshall Shore: When we talk about that pre-Stonewall era, it is pretty much mainstream media, because there wasn’t much until the mid-’70s that really talked about the community, for the community, from the community’s perspective. The first time Stonewall appears in an Arizona newspaper is Tucson, and it was a year after Stonewall. I’ve met folks that didn’t know Stonewall even happened until the 25th anniversary, because news was just a different thing then. It was one of those things where it wasn’t talked about. When people did hear about it, they were outraged." --------

"Millye Bloodworth, human rights activist: My brother was Miss Ebony. My mother was gifted with a transgender child, post-op, which was me, and a gay man who loved to wear drag, which was my brother. He moved here in 1969 with his partner. He started at Casa [de Roma]. And from there, he worked at all of the clubs: the 307, The Connection. Everyone wanted to see Miss Ebony." --------

"La Noue: I think all the gay bars blooming in the ’70s was partly an effect of what everyone was feeling. Because people had the attitude of, “No. I’m gonna open a damn gay bar and fuck you.” Because when you have that attitude, you branch out and you do things you wouldn’t normally do, like you wouldn’t even think to open a gay bar before because of all the harassment.

The harassment of LGBTQ bars by the police, or even gay-bashers, didn’t disappear in the 1970s.

Pat Olivo: That was a major thing that happened back then. I’ve lived here since 1976, but also came here a lot when I was younger. The police used to come in and harass us in the bars when I was here [in 1972] and I was young. Four or five would come in and your hands had to be on the bar, they couldn’t be in your lap or anybody else’s lap. And they were just there to harass you, they’d walk through. As if anybody was doing anything illegal. We were just sitting there drinking."

#lgbtq #gay #police #pride #70s #phoenix

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canonicallyobserving911 · 2 years

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Buck & Eddie: Building their relationship

9-1-1 has been very LOUD with the narrative and direction they planned to take with Buck and Eddie as a CANON couple and they’ve been INTENTIONAL with comparing them against each other’s love interest. Could the narrative change? YES! Will it change, who knows?

Please note the audience doesn’t write for the show; therefore the characters should be viewed through the lens that was established by 9-1-1; it’s producers, writers and showrunners.

Buck

The direction the show planned to take with Buck’s character and his relationships with women was established in the first episode and they continued that narrative with all the women Buck either had relationships with or those who hooked up with him. All of them wanted to be with the version of him that he identifies with as the hot firefighter and that was proven many times over in CANON. The way Buck saw himself was also related to the relationships he had with women and how they treated him. He told Maddie, while he was preparing to attend Eddie’s induction ceremony in 2x18 “This Life We Choose”, “Being a firefighter is my life. It’s the only thing that I’ve ever done that was important and that mattered. Ok? Without that I don’t have…” Buck believed being a firefighter was all he had in life and he didn’t know who he was and he couldn’t identify himself without that persona. Also Buck told Bobby in 3x6 “Monsters” just before they left the hospital, “It’s like the uniform, it’s my costume. You know, I put it on and suddenly I’m brave and I’m strong. I make a difference. It’s feels like without it, I’m not much of anything”. He believed he wasn’t anything without the uniform because that’s the only thing he believed people saw him as, therefore Buck’s whole persona was wrapped up in being Buck, the hot firefighter who would only get attention from people when he was in his uniform (read blog post: “All of Buck’s Women” for more information on the women in Buck’s life).

Firetruck hookup

In 1x1 “Pilot” Buck had sex with a woman he met online in the ladder truck and after he asked her for her phone number she said, “You’re cute and you’re very good at whatever it is we just did but let’s not ruin everything by actually getting to know each other”. Her comment to him about how they shouldn’t get to know to each other was foreshadowing for all of his relationships with Abby, Ali and Taylor because he didn’t know them and they didn’t know him. It was also foreshadowing for the hookup he would have with Dr. Wells.

Dr. Wells

Dr. Wells violated all kinds of ethics when she had sex with Buck in her office. She was a licensed therapist and she crossed an ethical line that should have caused her to lose her license. He asked her if she friended him on Facebook and she tried to avoid answering him but she did admit that she did it before he ended up in her office. Instead of continuing their session, she should have told him to stop talking and that she would recommend another therapist so that he could continue talking about Devon. But she wanted to have sex with him, so she did and then she told him to leave. Buck was vulnerable because he had just lost his first victim and she took advantage of him. If the roles were different and the therapist had been a man and the patient had been a woman, the doctor would have been called a predator and probably would have gone to jail.

Abby

In 1x0 “A Whole New You” after a woman threw a drink in Buck’s face because she thought he ghosted her but he’d been catfished, Buck said, “Abby, you know me, right? Come on”. But she replied, “I don’t know who I am right now and I definitely don’t feel like I know who you are right now!” Wasn’t that the nature of their whole relationship? Buck kept trying to step in with her but she never fully stepped in with him and she only viewed him as a distraction from her life. She pursued him when she unethically obtained his phone number and then called him to ask him out on a date in 1x2 “Let Go”. If a male 9-1-1 operator had obtained a female firefighter’s number from an incident report and called her to ask her out on a date, he would have faced all kinds of backlash and probably would have lost his job.

Ali

Ali finally admitted to Buck in 2x18 “This Life We Choose” that she didn’t fully understand or know who he was when she said, “When I met you, you know, ten stories up over a collapsing high rise” and Buck said, “Exactly!” She continued with “That was one day. One day of my life, Evan. That’s everyday for you. I’m just starting to really understand what that means”. When he asked her if she wanted him to quit his job she said, “No, I would never ask you to do that. Listen, I know it’s who you are, I’m just not sure…” and Buck said, “If it’s who you are”. She then replied, “Hey, I don’t know yet”. Ali was just like the others, as long as Buck wasn’t hurt and he could continue being her hot firefighter boyfriend, she was good but as soon as the ladder truck crushed his leg and caused him to need help, she abandoned him. She knew he identified himself as a firefighter because she said it but she obviously didn’t consider what would happen if he got hurt on the job. She didn’t really know him either and if she had she would have known that him being a firefighter came with risks that could cause him to get injured.

Taylor

Taylor was honest with Buck about what she wanted from him in 2x8 “Bucktually” and she told him that when he tried to apologize to her because he thought she may have wanted more than a one-time hookup. But she reminded him that she bought him a drink in the bar and then she wanted to have sex with him again inside of the news van. Taylor was like all the others; she saw a hot firefighter that she wanted to have sex with so that’s what she did. In 4x8 “Breaking Point” she still hadn’t changed her mind about him because she told him that she thought he invited her over for dinner and sex and that was after he told her he was looking for a meaningful relationship. She took advantage of Buck when he was vulnerable in 4x14 “Survivors” because he was not in a good place after Eddie got shot. It wasn’t the right time for him to start a relationship with anyone especially since there was a sniper on the loose, he was taking care of Christopher and he was worried about Eddie but Taylor wanted him and she wasn’t going to stop until he chased her. In 5x18 “Starting Over” she told him “You knew who I was when you started dating me” and she was right, he did. Aside from all the things she did to his found family at the 118 in 2x6 “Dosed” and 5x17 “Hero Complex”, she never changed and all she wanted was a hot firefighter that she didn’t really take the time to get know or understand. If she had really known Buck then she would have realized promises are very important to him. He told her that he didn’t want to keep making the same mistakes; therefore the only option for him was to end it.

Eddie

The direction the show planned to take with Eddie’s character was established in 2x1 “Under Pressure” after he arrived at the 118. Bobby told Buck, Hen and Chimney that he recruited Eddie because he graduated at the top of his fire academy class and he was an Army medic who had two tours under his belt. But the audience should have taken note that Eddie was recruited to be Buck’s partner; therefore he was hired by Bobby to be at the 118 for Buck. Buck didn’t have a partner at all during season 1 and when the 118 went out on calls he was usually partnered with Bobby. Since Bobby’s the captain, he had to get a partner for Buck and that was Eddie because Hen and Chimney were already established partners. Eddie’s background with women was revealed differently than Buck’s because in 2x2 “7.1” Eddie simply said, “His mother’s not in the picture” when he was telling Buck about Christopher. He didn’t mention he was married until several episodes later. His tumultuous relationship with Shannon wasn’t revealed until he had to contact her about the family interview for Christopher so that he could get accepted in The Durand School and that was after Eddie had given Buck heart eyes on several occasions. It was also after Buck had already stepped in with Eddie to be Christopher’s co-parent (read blog post: “The Women in Eddie’s Life” for more information on all the women in Eddie’s life).

Shannon

Shannon and Eddie had a tumultuous relationship that included a lot of arguing and a lot of miscommunications. They were young when they got married and they only got married because she was pregnant. The issue was they didn’t know how to talk to each other and they didn’t know how to be co-parents. After she left him with a note, she didn’t even try to contact him or Christopher, she just left and went off to enjoy her life. The problem with Shannon’s actions were, the majority of women don’t typically leave their children and not contact them. She was off living her best life but not once did she attempt to contact Christopher and she didn’t try to visit him. Eddie wasn’t perfect either and he admitted the mistakes he made during his conversation with Buck in 2x10 “Merry X-mas” but the difference is he was trying to be better and he was trying to make it work with her when she came back and begged him to let her see Christopher. He went against his better judgement and allowed her to see him but she was preparing to run again once she found out she wasn’t pregnant. In 2x17 “Careful What You Wish For” Shannon found out she wasn’t pregnant and she told Eddie she wasn’t during their dinner at the restaurant. When he said, “It doesn’t change a thing” she replied, “It does for me”. She continued to tell him that she wrote a letter to Christopher before she left El Paso and that she didn’t want to ever have to give it to him. Eddie asked her why she would even think of giving it to him and then she finally told him the truth. She said if she tried to be a wife and a mother again before she was ready, she knew she wouldn’t get a second chance. She abandoned Christopher once and she was preparing to do it again. Why do people act like only men can be deadbeats when it comes to them abandoning their children? She was not a great mother and even though she was there for Christopher while Eddie was away in the Army, she left both of them like some kind of thief in the night. She didn’t face Eddie to discuss her reasons for wanting to leave the first time and she didn’t tell Christopher why she wanted to leave either time. She made Eddie do it. If she truly wanted to be in Christopher’s life, she would have worked out an arrangement in family court along with filing for divorce. Based on the things she said to Eddie during their dinner, it seemed like she wasn’t interested in doing that.

Ana

Ana was perfect on paper but she was just like Shannon in more ways than one. She wouldn’t listen to Eddie and she tried to manipulate him to get what she wanted. While she stayed with Christopher during the blackout, her motives for doing it were questionable because she already knew Eddie was having panic attacks before the blackout started. She also knew her presence was part of the problem especially after Eddie got his diagnosis in the hospital. Therefore the question is why did she stay when she knew their relationship was filled with red flags? She chose to stay because she wanted to marry Eddie and Buck told Eddie in 5x1 “Panic” that Ana was taking them to the baby christening to meet her family and parents because she was ready to take the next step in their relationship. Ana wanted to marry Eddie but she hadn’t changed just like Shannon didn’t change. If she really wanted to be there for Eddie and Christopher her character would have matured past where she was in 3x12 “Fools” after Christopher’s skateboarding incident. Ana was a certified school teacher who worked with children every day; therefore she should have been the one to suggest an adaptable skateboard or some other medium that would have allowed Christopher to participate in that activity. She didn’t mention anything to Eddie when he went back to apologize to her for yelling in that episode. She saw a hot firefighter who would be arm candy for her so she was pretending just like Eddie had been. They both had an “idea” of what they thought a relationship should be but neither of them wanted to talk about all the issues they experienced while they were together. Eddie did the same thing with Shannon while they were married but at least he ended it with Ana.

Buck and Eddie

Buck and Eddie’s love story started as soon as Eddie joined the 118. Everything Bobby taught Buck in season 1 about stepping in and understanding the true meaning of intimacy, didn’t work for his relationship with Abby. But when he did those things with Eddie, he didn’t have any issues. Buck wanted a family with Abby but Abby didn’t want one with him. When she returned in 3x18 “What’s Next?”, Buck learned Abby had a family with Sam after he talked with him while they were inside of the train car. He learned from Abby that Sam was her fiancé and that hurt him because he felt like he wasn’t enough for her. Even though she didn’t want a family with him, Eddie gave Buck a family in season 2 when they started building the family they both chose which is The Buckley-Diaz Family.

Shannon told Eddie she needed a co-parent while he was away and he told her that he needed one too after she left. Eddie didn’t question Buck stepping in with him and he didn’t stop Buck from helping him co-parent Christopher. Once Buck stepped in as Christopher’s co-parent, he’s done all the things with Christopher that Shannon chose not to do like taking him to the zoo and spending time with him.

Buck also faced Eddie after he and Christopher got separated in the Tsunami. He could have continued to avoid him but he didn’t and that shows how he did the opposite of what Shannon did when she left in the middle of the night and wouldn’t face Eddie.

Ali didn’t want to take care of Buck after his leg got crushed by a ladder truck and she abandoned him right after he went home from the hospital. Eddie didn’t abandon Buck and he went to Buck’s loft with their son Christopher to help him beat his depression. Eddie’s a medic which means he doesn’t shy away from things that may be unpleasant for other people. In 5x5 “Peer Pressure” he flushed that guy’s toilet while they were trying to determine what was wrong with him and Eddie didn’t seem to be phased by it.

Ana was a certified school teacher who got promoted to be a vice principal but she still couldn’t relate to Eddie and Christopher. How does a person get three college degrees in a specific field but never learn how to implement the things they’ve learned? Ana should have been the one to suggest that Eddie get Christopher an adaptable skateboard. She didn’t offer any solutions to their dilemma because clearly Christopher wanted to learn how to do it because he told Eddie that he wanted to ride it during their discussion when he told Eddie he lied. Buck was the one who told Eddie in 3x12 “Fools” that he was over correcting and they worked together to build Christopher an adaptable skateboard that allowed him to do what he tried to do while he was at school. Eddie wants to be with someone who will not only love him but they have to love Christopher too. Buck loves Christopher the same way Eddie does.

Taylor didn’t know Buck and they couldn’t trust each other. He was constantly on guard around her wondering if she was trying to get information from him for a news story. Buck and Eddie built their relationship on trust during their first shift in 2x1 “Under Pressure”. They don’t have to worry if the other one will be there when they are needed and they don’t put the job before their needs. They both understand the concept of family and how they need each other which is different from Taylor’s idea of family. She works in corporate America which means she doesn’t understand how it works in the firehouse. Family is important to Buck and Eddie and that’s what they’ve been building for the past four years outside of their found family at the 118.

Buck and Eddie have been work partners for more than four years and they’ve established a relationship built on trust. They’ve built a family together and they have seen each other at their worst but they’ve continued to try again every time. The examples included above are only of a few of Buck and Eddie’s interactions that have been included in CANON to illustrate how they are perfect for each other. Buck and Eddie can offer each other everything they weren’t able to get in their previous relationships which illustrates how they are each other’s ENDGAME. Will they become a CANON couple in season 6? Only the showrunners, writers and producers know the answer to that question.

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glutenfreetitty · 1 year

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Limerence and comp het?

Fuck okay here comes a long ass post, storm of emotions, if this resonates at all or if anyone has insight pleassseee send it my way because I feel so fucking lost and sick to my stomach I feel like I could throw up I don’t know what to do.

I’ve felt somewhat secure in identifying as a lesbian since 2017 and am in my late 20′s now. I’ve ranted on and on on this blog about comp het and how realizing I was gay made so much since for me, considering how infatuated I used to be with the boy crushes I’ve had in the past, and how they were all unobtainable.

Well for the last year, I’ve reconsidered all of that and re-identified as bisexual. The reason being, a guy who I work with, who is so kind and pretty good looking and easy to talk to, showed me a morsel of attention, and my goblin brain took that and ran with it.

Literally since last summer, I’ve thought about him non-stop. Initially, I recognized it as just seeking to feel validated by a man, as I always used to do before I came to terms with liking women, but something, for some reason, was different about him. I knew, or I was pretty convinced, that I liked him, and i couldn’t stop thinking about him. I fantasied a whole life with him. Fantasizing about him and what it would be like to date him became such a warm, fuzzy daydream that I could always rely on for a boost of serotonin.

I started seeing him again at work in the fall, and he would always say good morning to me and was just such a nice guy that I couldn’t help but like him, and indulge my delusional fantasies that he might like me back. As the year went on, I came to realize he was just like that with all the other workers, and it was such a hard thing to realize, because I could see that it wasn’t just me that he was nice to.

The thing about all of this that made me re-think comp het and being a lesbian was that he wasn’t, to my knowledge, unobtainable, as many comp het crushes are. As far as I could tell, he was a guy, who I thought seemed in to me, and who I knew, in real life, who I wanted to be with, in real life. That’s why I indulged myself, and why the fantasy I created in my head became so powerful.

Well y’all, I looked up his social media... we know each other from work, but we don’t have any mutual friends so I couldn’t just add him, but I did see through his Facebook that he had had a serious girlfriend at least, until 2019. The posts stopped there, so I presumed they had broken up in 2019. That was all I had to go with in my fantasy version of him and our potential relationship in my head.

Well... I found myself tonight, in a state of indulgent delusion, thinking about him, and wanting to know more about him... and I looked him up on Instagram, which I hadn’t done before. He proposed to this girlfriend over Christmas, and they had their engagement party a few days ago.

I still want to throw up I feel so stupid and so pathetic and unsure of myself. Part of me wants that, and I saw their pictures together in their Christmas pajamas and I couldn’t help but feel so jealous and wish it was me, and then I feel so god damn fucking stupid for thinking he liked me when he’s had a whole fucking fiancé all this time.

I’m certainly feeling a lot of shame, but I’ve also recently heard of a term called limerence? According to wikipedia

“Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense desire.”

As soon as I head of the term, I immediately thought of all the other “crushes” i’ve had on boys through my life and how that seems to perfectly incapsulate my experiences with comp het.

As much sense as that makes, I can’t help but feel disgusted with myself. This guy, and his fiancé, and their adorable fucking engagement pictures that I just found tonight, make me feel like dying. I feel so much shame and regret and like I’m unlovable and disgusting for spending an entire year of my life fanstasizing about this guy.

Anyway, I don’t know if this rings true for anyone else, anywhere on the internet, but, consider this a call for help. What do I do? Does anyone else feel this way?

#compulsory heterosexuality #limerence #bisexual?#lesbian #send help #intrusive thinking #lgbtq

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madtomedgar · 2 years

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Books read in August:

Do Not Say We Have Nothing, Madeleine Thien: Easily in my top 5 of the year, definitely one of my favorites now. She is a master of telling a story in a way that is fragmented and broken such that it conveys how the people, who cannot integrate this event or who cannot put themselves back into something the old them would recognize as “whole” experience or remember the story themselves. She is also devastatingly good at the whole. “your parents and/or grandparents lived through Historical Events which left them deeply scarred in specific ways that you don��t understand because they refuse to talk about it, so you just have to try your best to navigate this mine field.” I particularly love how she refuses the neat or comfortable ending, how she leaves things potentially forever unresolved and broken, because there is only so much you can do. The writing is devastatingly gorgeous. I also really liked how she handled two of her characters being gay. They love each other, and it never comes to anything because Historical Events are happening around them and they just never have room to figure out what that means, what it could look like, and it’s tragic and awful but in the way that so much of life is tragic and awful when you just don’t have the opportunity to live it because you have to keep going to your stupid job and surviving and that’s all there is room for. She handles the internal ideological struggles of her characters very seriously, which I don’t think I’ve seen in a story set in a communist regime before. The belief in their ideology and in the party and the leadership is handled in a way that feels similar to how narratives typically treat “man vs god” ideological internal struggles. The true believers who are active participants in the Cultural Revolution are as human and as sympathetic as the characters they’re beating.

Never Let Me Go, Kazuo Ishiguro: This was a very good book and I didn’t enjoy it. It’s a very effective type of horror, where the narrator doesn’t see the horrific aspects of her life as anything other than normal, and resists to the end any realization of the cruelty and inhumanity of her situation. The banal positivity and shallowness of the narrator, however, drove me nuts. The character and her situation reminded me very strongly of the evangelical/southern baptist girls from extremely controlling (should be labled a cult but they’re technically mainstream christianity so they get a pass) congregations/families I grew up around, who had been so indoctrinated into the idea that their purpose in life was to get married and have babies, that even when they could identify that they didn’t want that, that they wanted something else, or when it was clear that this was going to put their health in serious jeaopardy, still viewed “getting married and having babies” like gravity. The idea that there were other options just couldn’t penetrate. It’s a really effective portrait of that sort of psyche, and works as an allegory for so many things, and deftly illustrates the way we all just accept the unacceptable in order to keep living our vapid little lives. And it also felt very British, in that I think a American author would have had at least one character try something desperate to escape their fate, even just to spite their fate. Having no one try to run away, or commit suicide, or ruin their organs on purpose by taking up smoking or drinking, was both part of the horror and took me out of it a bit. I wanted one of them to have a little of the underground man in them. So. Excellent book, but to me very frustrating and unenjoyable.

The Mother of All Questions, Rebecca Solnit: I have read others of her essay collections that I liked a lot better. This one didn’t age well. It’s very much about the resurgence of feminism between 2014 and early 2016, and it’s hard to read that kind of hope in 2022, post 2016-election, post metoo backlash, post Cosby acquittal, post Amber Heard trial. Several of the men she praises for being feminist allies in their public personas have since been revealed to be serial sexual predators, or just creeps and opportunists. As always her observations about societal misogyny are on point but it mostly served as a time-capsule to that particular progressive optimism of the late Obama years, that things were getting better, and yeah we had to keep working at it, but the tide was in our favor. And being on the other side of what’s happened since, it’s almost embarrassing to remember that that’s where so many of us were, and painful. Wish I’d read it when I first got it years ago and hadn’t put it off until it was mostly just “photos taken seconds before disaster” but for feminism in the 21st century.

#long post

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redheadbigshoes · 2 years

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hiii I’m also a 5’4 lesbian!! I just wanted to share my story bc I thought some ppl might relate to it (sorry for the long ask, I tried to condense it as much as possible). I used to think I was straight when I was 14 and first exploring my sexuality, bc I had previously dated one boy in middle school and one boy in high school. I didn’t totally dislike dating them either - I liked the close friendship but I HATED the hand-holding and hugging, and the first time my ex bf tried to kiss me, I punched in him the stomach (we were 12 at the time). I thought maybe it was just cos I was young and I’d get used to physical intimacy as I got older. Then I got older, and I developed a crush for one of my best friends, and she was a girl. I always wanted to get close to her, or find some ways to touch her, or get her to laugh and smile. She made me realize that I liked girls, so I settled with pansexual, bc I was just a teenager and I thought that some men were pretty to look at & since I had already dated two boys then I must be attracted to them. Throughout hs I ended up only dating girls, but I still solidly believed I was pansexual. I also kind of went thru an identity crisis when I got to my freshmen year in college - questioning my gender & sexuality, tried the transmasc label for a while, the whole 9 yards. I no longer resonate w that label, but I feel a lot more confident w my identity now (cis lesbian woman) after trying out so many different things. I met my current gf in college, and it was just like something clicked - that I was really only attracted to and wanted to be with women. While yes, I do find some men aesthetically pleasing and the thought “yeah he’s kinda cute” crosses my mind, I’ve never felt compelled to really date any men. I only did it when I was younger bc I was becoming best friends w those guys and I thought the natural progression was to start dating - plus we were kids, and I feel like kids tend to start “dating” pretty quickly even without there being true feelings towards one another. So I’ve only ended up identifying as a lesbian for the past 3 years of my life, but it’s the one I’m sticking with until I die. And my gf is actually my fiancé now ^_^ ig my life lesson is: explore yourself!! Don’t be afraid to try out things you feel like you might identify with! You never know what’s deep inside if you don’t try it out….

Oh this is so cute! I’m so happy for you and your fiancé!

I relate to a lot of the things you said. I’d try dating boys because that’s what other girls were doing, and I’ve never really questioned that. When I realized my attraction to women I used to identify as bi, because I couldn’t tell the difference between finding men attractive and being attracted to them, also because my experiences kissing boys and anything like that were not bad, so in my mind if they weren’t negative then it meant I was still attracted to them. The thing is: I wouldn’t feel anything when doing that with boys, and if you’re attracted to a person you’re supposed to feel something positive.

Growing up lesbians were showed very stereotypically as being masculine and knowing their sexuality since always. That was also one of the reasons I didn’t think I was a lesbian, because I didn’t fit any of those stereotypes.

Questioning your gender as a lesbian is very common, I did that too. But then I realized just because society has pretty wrong views of what is womanhood, that didn’t mean I wasn’t a woman. I’ve never felt uncomfortable identifying with my biological sex and the only reason why I started questioning that was because I began interacting a lot with queer people online and discovered all different non-binary identities and I began questioning if it was possible that I could be non-binary. Turns out just like you I’m not, I’m a cis woman and I’m way more comfortable being a cis woman now that I know I’m a lesbian than back when I still thought I was attracted to men.

#stephanie answers #anon #long post

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astraoblitus · 2 years

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╔═.✾. ═ LOG 200203.11 : deirdre allmhurán | cis female, she/her | 20 years old. Just spotted a new SIREN around town. Our records show that they seem friendly towards our human occupants. They were first spotted in march 2002 and researchers have described them to have the soft sound of a piano from the next room, hiding feelings behind gentle eyes, running barefoot through a flower field, soft humming that pulls you in, the smell of lavender and the ocean and vanilla vibe about them. ━ from Armes E. Sallow’s personal archives. ═.✾. ═╝

↳・゜ kristine froseth .

ARMES: can you tell me your name and what species you identify with?

Huh? Deirdre! Oh—Allmhurán, Deirdre Allmhurán. I’m a siren.

ARMES: how receptive are you to living in co-habitation with humans and other beings in our town here?

I think humans are just wonderful! They are so cute and creative and they do such silly things, like—oh, bubbles, sorry.

ARMES: we do have a large human population here that are either unaware of magical being existence or know very little. what would you say your patience level is?

I’m not really bothered. I have sort of been in hiding my whole life, I got used to doing things that hid my more “fishy” attributes. Papa always says that it’s just better to be safe, better to keep it to yourself.

ARMES: how long have you been in our town? did you come here willingly or were you pulled here?

I’ve always lived here! That is to say I was born here, my parents met here and when mama left papa just thought this was still a good place to raise me.

ARMES: have you been settling well in town? do you have a home here?

It’s just great here! I mean I don’t have any reason to want to leave… except maybe the ocean. Papa says that mama couldn’t live without it, sometimes I feel very lonely without it. But—but I think it’s better if I stay. I wouldn’t want to worry anyone. I’ll just stay here, at home.

ARMES: how familiar are you with pop culture media?

Oh very! Well, depending on the kind. I love music, but I can’t really focus enough for books. I also really like watching movies!

ARMES: is there anything else you would like to add?

You’re very nice. Sallow Hills is very nice. I’m really happy to live here, it’s beautiful and it’s my home and… I think more people should want to live here.

armes’ notes

She failed to hide the slight webbing to her fingers, the point at the tops of her ears, and when she became excited I could see the shimmer of scaling to her cheeks. All in all she was very… sweet, but behaved much like a curious child. Her attention was lost many times and had to be reigned back in, though once it was she had insightful response.

#☼ ⋯ there's such a fooled heart beating so fast | &. deirdre

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ss3890 · 2 years

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20-Day Deity Challenge courtesy of @broomsick: LINK

I’ve been thinking about this one for a day or so now, listening through my expansive pagan playlist for one that clicked. This one came on and I was like Ooh, yeah. This one feels right:

Bergatrollets Friari by Cesair: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajCsa2XTGxY

Thing is, I couldn’t understand a damn thing they’re singing about. I had no idea what the title meant - I just knew that the sounds they were making felt amazing and hit me in all the right ways. The drum beat, the tempo, the melody, the climaxes...it makes me feel powerful and want to dance - which is something I tend to do when I’m feeling particularly spiritual.

So I investigated the lyrics, translated them, and felt a little...conflicted? Because the sound felt so good, but the lyrics and the story they told gave me pause. Was this really what I wanted to devote to Hecate?

So I kept listening to it. I gave it some serious thought throughout the day yesterday, and I realized that yes...this song is actually very fitting for my experience with, and relationship to, Hecate.

Bergatrollets Friari, also known as Herr Mannelig, is a Swedish folk ballad telling the story of a female mountain troll trying to who a young human male. She offers him many fine and beautiful gifts, but he refuses because she is not a Christian woman: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herr_Mannelig.

It can be implied here that the mountain troll is symbolic of a woman who is pagan, heathen, a ‘wild woman’ - she is not Christian and therefore not of the current mainstream...and in spite of the wealth she can offer, the man rejects her.

A lot of us who identify as pagan, heathen, and wild women have experienced rejection for our nature many times over. I know I have, and while this ballad is in regard to a romantic love, I think it can apply to other and all types of relationships as well. Familial, Social, Platonic - right along with the Romantic.

The rejection hurts. It’s painful. It makes us angry and sad and separates us from the rest - pushes us to the fringes of society - or causes us to subdue ourselves and what we are to blend in and get by. Thing is, though? Hecate LOVES people like us, and we love her in return - because she is our champion and reflects what we are as good and right, when society at large tells us we are wrong.

A DEEP KNOWING IN THE BONES:

I had the privilege of growing up in a rural town, without close neighbors, with access to forest when the internet was in its infancy. I practically LIVED outside - running around barefoot, crawling on my hand and knees, climbing trees and wading through muddy brooks and cool mosses. My brother and I would be off playing in the woods for hours and our parents never cared because they knew we were around somewhere and would come back when we were tired or hungry. We never felt afraid, were never threatened, and always, always, felt comfortable in those wild places around the home.

There were old skidder trails that ran behind the house. We had a ‘road’ we would follow in order to find our sacred place - The Mossy Grove. We always followed this path and no other - even when there were other options to take. At the first fork (crossroads), we would go right and never left. Never left, for reasons we did not know.

The one time I did go left, later in life when I was no longer a small child, just to see what was there. I didn’t get very far before something felt wrong. My whole body responded to something I could not see and for the first time in my life, I understood what it felt like to be frightened of the woods. I knew what it was to feel vulnerable...and promptly got the fuck out of there and never, ever, went back that way again. There was something watching over us as children, keeping us safe and secure, and there was something watching over me then - warning me of something I needed to avoid.

We’d walk through a glade of beeches and come to a grove of evergreens that closed in tightly around the trail. They always freaked me out a little bit. Couldn’t see around you at all, just had to tip your head up and move through them with a blind faith that you’d come out on the other side.

And when you did, you were met with the most beautiful moss-and-mushroom filled glade I have ever seen. This was our secret eden, a sacred wild ground that we cherished with our whole being. We were as much a part of the forest as it was a part of us.

But we would often get pulled from the mosses and the water and the trees and be forced to sit in someone else’s sacred space, made up of rigid pews and rules and strangers that wanted us to be something we were not.

No matter how many times they tried to make us fall in line, we never did. We didn’t care about their Christian stories or their rules or their sacred book. It never resonated, never took root in us, and both of us are still inherently heathen to this day. The wild was in our hearts from the very beginning, and it refused to be snuffed out.

At that time, resources on paganism were hard for a young person like me to find and there was no guidance from any family members or friends. I just knew I was different, other - though it took me many, many years to fully understand why and find communities and resources that solidified and supported that knowing.

Still, I embraced what I was. When I began to express my otherness in conversation, I was met with resistance and judgment. I’ve had once-loving people stop talking to me entirely. I have constantly been criticized for being too stubborn, head-strong, and aggressive - untamable. Traits that would be applauded if I had a phallus between my legs.

I was never an obedient, demure christian woman, and a lot of people have taken issue with that at various points in my life. It’s an interesting thing, to be considered too much and not enough all at once. But that rejection only served to make me fierce and angry and more self-assured - because I knew all the amazing things had to offer to the world and to those who could appreciate my nature. I inherently knew my worth in spite of everything.

I soon discovered Hecate and recognized myself in her - that dark, powerful, and wild feminine - and if those traits could be embraced within a goddess, then they could be embraced within myself as well.

I realized I had always walked in her wild realm, along her crossroads, and liminal spaces - it just took me a little while to recognize it in a world that has tried very hard to snuff her out. And through all those little underworlds of pain, trauma, and rejection I moved through, she was there beside me to help me realize my own power. That’s what Hecate does for us - she helps us find our power by facing and owning the deep wounds within us.

Today, I am loud and proud. I show off my symbols, post to social media without fear of criticism, speak honestly, and carve out a place for myself in wider society whether they want me to or not - and in doing so, I have seen other wild women come out from the shadows and reveal themselves to me, bolstered by my own shameless confidence to embrace their true selves in turn. In good Hecatean fashion, I am happy to act as a guiding light for others to find their way.

SO, BACK TO THE SONG ALREADY. WHY CHOOSE THIS ONE?

Because in the way Cesair has composed this rendition, it is deeply powerful in spite of singing of rejection. Those drum beats drive me to get up and dance. The tempo and twirling of voices and notes charges my blood and makes me feel solid in my power, and I face the fact that in spite of the many gifts I can give to someone, sometimes it is simply not enough in the face of my wild nature - but I stay wild all the same, embracing that scorn and rejection like a badge of honor, because I refuse to make myself lesser to in order to take the easier route in life.

Herr Mannelig and his ilk can go fuck themselves, because someone like my husband is inevitably going to come along and appreciate all those fine gifts I can give him, all while knowing full well I’m a half-feral mountain troll and loving me all the same - if not more so.

So I devote this song, and those feelings it evokes, to my goddess - because she is the one who has helped me understand that what I am and the inner power I hold is rooted in her divinity and it is something to be uplifted and celebrated, even when the world at large often refuses to do so.

Power through pain, my friends. Power through pain. 🤘🏻

#20 day deity challenge #witchery #witchcraft #paganism #hecate #divine feminine #dark goddess #self-confidence #self-worth #bergatrollets frieri

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amethystadventurer · 2 years

Text

Am I weird? Am I normal?

Am I strange? Am I average?

Am I different? Am I unique?

Or am I just another person on the street?

Everyday I just take one step at a time wondering why I don’t feel like a person.

Who am I? The question I’ve been asking my whole life.

The void within is yet to answer.

Am I alone? Or is there someone out there for me?

I keep looking even though I know there’s no one there.

Everyone is there for someone, like me.

But is anyone there for me?

Is it selfish that I’m not different enough to be thought of?

I am scarred inside but I haven’t been through battle.

Is that why no one sees me?

Am I not special enough? Or am I just naïve?

Should I be happy with what I have even though I’m suffering?

They say you’re pain can’t compare to those of others so you should stop complaining.

So I’ve become so good at hiding that no one can see the true me.

At night I dream of screaming; blowing the monsters away.

Am I the hero? Or am I just desperate?

I guess I’m different, but not in the way that people would accept me.

I hide the pain so no one can see but I’m still wishing someone would come and save me.

At the end of the day I just wish there was somewhere I fit in.

I am different.

This is a poem about my identity crisis and how I feel misplaced in the world. I feel left out, not knowing where I fit in. Everywhere I look there are people looking out for each other, but I feel like no one’s looking out for me.

The truth is, I truly admire and am inspired by people who are different and fighting to be themselves like the LGBTQ community. Everything they are and stand for is so bright and beautiful, they shine so bright in the face of darkness.

Sometimes I wish I was a part of that light, but I’m not. I do support them though, and I thought that… I don’t know, I was doing good in the world or something? By being accepting and supportive. Guess it wasn’t enough.

One day by accident I misunderstood a pronoun for a trans person and the people I talked to about it got upset with me. It made me realize I couldn’t fit in there, because I can’t relate.

I’m straight and I identify by the gender I was born with and I can’t help who I am, which strangely makes me understand how they feel.

I see people talking about how they are so supportive of each other for being who they are, and I selfishly wish that I could be too.

But I’m not, and a part of me feels ashamed. I don’t know why, and let me say that I do not choose to feel this way.

It is one of my many paranoias that eats away at my mind until I’m consumed by it. I can’t help how I feel, and neither can they.

And it’s not just the LGBTQ community, it’s also people with mental health issues. I have depression and anxiety, but really I’m just sad that I had to move away from home and all my friends and the fact that I’m 24 and still live with my parents bc I have nowhere else to go and I have epilepsy.

I haven’t gone through true trauma like others have, not that I would ever want to or resent people who have. It’s terrible and no one deserves that.

The truth is I am a broken person and I want to be with people who are like me, but there is no one like me. Among all these support groups for people who are fighting for their lives every day, I just don’t fit in. I can’t relate. I don’t know how they feel or what they’ve been through, so how could I possibly understand?

I want to be accepted and supported, but I don’t have anything to be accepted for. I’m just a lonely sad person who doesn’t even know where they fit in in this world.

I’m not saying no one feels like that, im sure a lot of people do. I feel bad when people tell me their sob story (do not mean this in a degrading way) because I don’t know what to say because I can’t relate.

I don’t know how to respond to those feelings and sometimes I end up saying the wrong thing or not saying anything at all and I worry I’m giving the wrong impression.

So now everyone knows I’m a pathetic and selfish person.

Before anyone says anything I’d like to clear up the fact that I am not posting this for guilt. This is in no way me being attention-seeking or trying to make people feel sorry for me.

This is me opening my whole self up and being honest about how I feel being I’m fucking sick and tired of walking around acting like I’m okay all the time.

And if anyone is offended by any of this then don’t bother keeping quiet about it. Go ahead, don’t hold back. Say what you really think. It’s nothing I’m not already telling myself.

#a personal poem by me #this is the kind of person I am #so now you know #I get if people hate me #I’ll just deal with it like I always do

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