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everythingsinred · 1 year

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Sorry if you've already brought this up somewhere at some point, but I have two NatsuMikan questions about,,, gregnancy 😬

1) Do you think they'd even want kids? I can imagine that they'd both be hesitant on the idea of having a kid that undoubtedly would have an Alice, even if the academy wasn't chasing families down anymore (which like, that is a thing that was stopped, right? I hope it was because that's literally so traumatic, why is this school so fucking traumatizing)

2) There would be a chance that the kid could get an Alice shape like Natsume's, so like,, that could be rough on his end, like would they even want to do that without knowing how long Natsume has?

I realize that kinda seeps into an idea that people with chronic and/or terminal illnesses can't have families or be happy or something, but I'm just thinking about Natsume's mom, and how young he was when she died. I *heavily* doubt he would remember her death, but I'm certain that he would feel her loss, and I'm just wondering if you think he would go through with it despite that.

Personally, I have a hard time imagining them having a family, but that may be because for the majority of the series, they are children. Whenever I do try to imagine it, my brain just goes into Punnett Square Mode(tm) and tries to figure out what could be dominant traits from what is known, so not much is done there lmao

these are really great questions. to be honest because they never actually talk about it, the answer would be entirely up to headcanon, so there is no right or wrong answer.

also this ended up being rly long and rambly sorry

funnily enough i did mention this topic a lil when i'd reblogged a character question meme thing and someone requested i do all of them (i'd established myself as a natsume aficionado at this point i guess lmao). the relevant part of my answer to question #13 (about what he'd be like as a parent) was:

i feel like natsume would be hesitant at first to be a dad. like he’d be super happy to find out mikan is pregnant ofc but he’d be hesitant. maybe he wouldn’t voice it. he’d be uncomfortable on several counts: 1) life shortening alices are genetic and he would never want his child to suffer as he has. 2) he’d be scared that he wouldn’t have as much time to spend with his kid as he’d like and would be sad to miss out on important milestones in the case that he dies too young. in my mind the life-shortening alice gets cured after a few years so these become non-issues and thus he gets very happy about having a kid.

something you must know about me is that i HATE the thought of natsume dying like it fully disgusts me--i hate to imagine he dies young. it feels really wrong to me. my brain cannot allow me to view the last little bit of the manga as canon tbh, so it's constructed another canon ending for me that includes the discovery of a cure for the fourth shape. (is it even possible to cure it? i dont CARE.) because of this (delusional) state of mind, i dont rly think of most of the things you mentioned. the cool thing about post-canon is that nobody can really stop you from thinking whatever you want. but i will address all of your points anyway bc theyre valid and then ill give my thoughts on them having kids, though im not an expert and certainly not the deciding opinion on what headcanons other ppl should adopt.

its a good point to bring up, discussing what happy endings exist for ppl with chronic or terminal diseases in media, even if he still has the same alice shape. my sister zoe has type 1 diabetes and we've had conversations about this exact thing (not about natsume; about her). it's a complicated issue for her, because even if type 1 diabetes isn't terminal (anymore), it is a huge source of grief and upset for her AND it's genetic. it ultimately comes down to each individual person, i think. some disabled or sick people want cures, others don't. some want children, some don't. because each person is different, what each person wants for their future or even in the media they consume is different as well.

your first question reminds me of yuka, actually, whose dream was to start a family and live a happy life. when she finds out her baby has an alice, she tries to steal it because she wants mikan to have a good life, and not suffer as she had, until kaoru stops her. it's definitely a valid concern, but i don't know how natsume or mikan feel about it in terms of having their own kid. personally im still not sure how the academy has actually changed since mikan left. we don't really get much of a breakdown. that being said, even though mikan said "i trust narumi-sensei" and that she didnt regret coming to the academy in kageki, im pretty certain that if they did become parents, they definitely wouldnt want their kid taken away from them.

which would mean the academy would have to change fundamentally to allow BOTH 1. parents to decline sending their kids to alice academy without being ceaselessly harassed and scouted AND 2. parents who do choose to send their kids to alice academy to get full visiting and contacting privileges WHICH SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING?? if a mom hears her son is crying himself to sleep bc he misses her, she should be allowed to call him or visit or send him a care package. (you know. how normal boarding schools work.)

maybe if the school changed in this way (and hey, maybe it did), then i could see natsume and mikan feeling a bit better about having a kid.

the next point, about natsume's alice shape being genetic... yeah its pretty rough. natsume the martyr, who always thinks of others, would never EVER have kids if he thought there was even a chance his child might suffer like he did.

so i guess my answer is... depending on what you want to believe happens after the ending, natsume and mikan MIGHT have kids and they MIGHT not. it entirely depends on what developments take place. ppl have been coming up w headcanons for their future even before the manga ended, anything from completely ignoring natsumes alice shape to having mikan and their potential kids visit his grave (not my favorite premise tbh).

ig my idea of natsume having his alice shape "cured" or undone or whatever comes from wanting one of my favorite characters to live a long happy life. its not specifically for the outcome of children or anything like that. its just worth noting that the academy is also a research institute, that there's healing alices in this world, and that you can make up whatever you want bc its a fantasy setting where ppl have magical powers and are able to undo death. (yes this is me justifying my staunch belief that natsume doesnt die in his early twenties.)

personally, i dont mind them having kids. its not rly something focal to me bc theres so much else going on in the story and with their characters for me to think about that the idea of kids is so far away. still, sometimes i like reading a lil fic about them having a kid, canon or au. its kinda cute. i also kinda like it in that if i believe they could have kids, that means that natsume MUST live and his alice must no longer be an issue (bc like we both agree on, natsume simply would not have kids if he thought the child could inherit his alice shape). in my head, i kinda always assumed they would? its made possible by my delusions. if you read the questions post i linked up there, i said "it's non-negotiable" but that was mainly in regards to higuchi maintaining in the memorial book that natsume wouldnt live a very long life. again, natsume WOULDN'T have kids if he knew they had a chance of suffering like he did, so that means if he ever DID have kids, then that chance must no longer exist. idk if that makes sense.

again, im really actually not an expert. i would even say "i didnt create these characters" except that that would mean higuchi's say should be final and i dont want her say to be final. really, its a fictional world w fictional characters. so if u wanna be delusional like me and find it difficult to see higuchi's ending without saying "but thats not what it looks like to ME," then go for it! we can be happy together. but also if these aspects of natsume and mikan and the academy feel inseparable from your own beliefs of the story, then thats fine too. honestly theres rly no right or wrong answer when it comes to post-ending headcanon. ppl can disagree. dont take me saying "i want natsume to have kids so he can spite higuchi" or whatever as a way of judging or disapproving of the headcanon that he wouldnt have kids. its a plausible outcome that he wouldn't. i just feel like i need to say that bc my opinion doesnt rly weigh more than anybody else's

i must say though: thank you for sending this ask. i have been having a rough day and coming home to answer this took my mind off the whole situation and made me feel so much better <3 thank you

#i did doodle natsumikan children once when i was 14 or 15. i can admit that now #also theres the very real possibility that they could um. get pregnant on accident.#which is a WHOLE OTHER CAN OF WORMS. i dont know if i can comment on that #im sorry for being so unhelpful abt post-ending topics. i HATE the ga ending but i love ga so the ending isnt real to me #in order to cope my brain became incapable of viewing the ending as legitimate. it feels instead like a POTENTIAL ending #rather than The Ending #the real ending (to me) never sent hotaru to another dimension and natsume gets to live bc of an inexplicable but very story-prominent cure #the academy goes through a lot of institutional change bc its built on the exploitation of children as its very premise #in order to become a good place #it must change its base premise as well as most of the ways it works.#i like shiki. i just legit cant believe that a man who used to be in anti academy terrorist group just let it continue on as is #like. hed do something about it. create change. hes a good guy and he still loves yuka theres just no way he wouldnt actually change it #answered #tardytothepardy #ga #god im rly sorry this is so long #tbh i dont actually know how to answer ur question in a satisfying way. the real answer is maybe? who knows? all up to u really

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i8jisoo · 4 years

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𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 ⇉ skz with pregnant!reader

changbin x reader | part three of dad!skz

↬ genre; fluff & angst for a lil bit woo

↬ warnings; talk of perinatal depression, cursing, n labor

↬ notes; changbin babi 🥺 ALSO ITS CHANGBIN DAY WOOO ITS MY BABYS BDAYYYYY SO I HAD TO POST THIS |

u two had just freshly started an official, public relationship

ofc changbin was freaking out while he was chilling in the bathtub behind the curtain so u could pee on the test already

u two were looking at the line coming in, praying that there would be only o n e 😳

slowly the other line comes in, dark blue n clear alongside the other one

“holy fuck—“

“what do we do?” you asked, your voice wavering while setting the test back down

his hands cupped your face, giving u a soft kiss n hugging you

“we got this, we’re having a baby, baby!” he started to joke and yall burst out laughing while crying in the bathroom

the first few months were amazing

ur lil bump sprouted out n u two were so happy about it

changbin is just so attentive and excited about this pregnancy and his first born

u really couldn’t have been better with ur lil family that was starting to become realer with each day

u two r such bullies yall r like

“what happened? ur a softie now binnie!!”

n he’d say shit like, “well at least i don’t pee every hour on the clock!!”

he makes u cry one time n u use that against him everytime u want something bc he feels guilty >:)

cute lil things like asking the baby what they want to eat or talking to it before the bed

(changbin reads the baby goodnight moon one time and ur just so in love like wow 🥺)

he secretly talks to the baby when you sleep every night because hes waiting for when ur little bean will reply back with a kick or a hand

he is W H I P P E D for u n ur baby bump

nursery is already done at five months

he needs all of the boys to come over though to help him figure out the instructions 😳 these are co nfusi ngg

they notice how smiley n giggly he is when he talks about u two and looking at the finished crib hes just so proud

yall r so happy and content with ur baby that was an accident, but u guys are so happy this happened

but something changes within u

changbin notices your lack of interest in the pregnancy during ur sixth month

ur sleeping pattern was off n u would sleep for hours during the day and night

u were very irritable, not wanting changbin to cuddle with u or kiss u like he did everytime he came back from practice :(

u were always unhappy and always so moody, he just wanted u to be happy 🥺

he is so confused and worried ab u, some days ur not eating or some days u don’t even wake up in the mornings like u used to

sometimes— just sometimes he’d come back home to find u in the same spot, asleep

he’s so fucking scared when ur around seven months that he can’t hold it in anymore

“are—are you okay?” he questions u from the doorway, making u stop to look at him in the mirror

ur eyes were cold, setting down the towel u were drying ur hair with and leaving him by himself while heading into ur bedroom

“don’t you dare fucking walk away from me.”

ur s h oo k

he was really nice during the pregnancy everyday, super bubbly and kind so u were shocked to hear his upset tone

“i can and i will, i’ll just go sleep in another fuckin room.” u mumbled, changbin grabbing ur hands and turning u around to face him

u struggle for a bit while ur arguing with him and telling him to let go so u could go to sleep

“stop! i am your boyfriend, i am the only one who is going to care for you like this. i am the only one who is dying, seeing you like this. do you understand? we’ve been through seven months of this together, it was fine for awhile and now you’re fucking turning me away?”

hes shouting at this point, hes just so pissed after three months of not having answers and your attitudes and arguments, he cannot handle it

u start crying

hes quick to hold you, pulling u down to the bed so u don’t have to stand on ur tired feet anymore

“i don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 🥺🥺🥺

he insists u two will find out n u both will get thru this rough patch together

perinatal depression, they diagnosed u

changbin is so upset when he hears the doctors tell u

everything is making sense to him and he’s just so heartbroken he didn’t put two and two together earlier

he takes time off for the time being to make sure ur taking care of urself

hes watching u like a hawk but trying not to make it evident

the first time u ask him for a kiss, he gives u dozens

he hadn't been asked for kisses in so long he was so relieved 🥺

he’s constantly telling u how beautiful u r and talking to ur bump about how they have the best genes and their uncles

this man is a father already it seems

he is ur #1 face mask partner cause he buys the cute ones only because u deserve the cute ones that r ur favorite ◝(ᵔᵕᵔ)◜

cooking together is something that happens, not often but every once in awhile he will let u do small things

cut up some lettuce? sure! pour in the soup broth? of course u can! taste test his food? always.

he wants to make sure ur comfortable with him touching u or kissing u or what hes saying

“i love you.” he’s mumbling, quickly placing a kiss against the fabric of one of his own shirts that was worn by u and fit u like a dress still

he then goes up to ur cheek n presses a kiss to it, ur hand cupping his jaw and letting him kiss ur lips >.<

also u guys let out a quiet talk of pregnancy to the public, letting jyp release a notice on changbin’s absence from live-streams and posts with the boys

u two received a lot of positive feedback which changbin let u read the positive ones n loved when u smiled at each one

u were overdue by a week which was the worst, ur back hurt and u had migraines

u also were put on bed-rest for the next week before u could be inducted

u guys waited out the week and u got scheduled for an induction

the labor was really slow which sucked because u just wanted to hold ur baby already :(

rly intimate moments like chan just holding u n rocking u like a baby

u guys are given this position to move the baby down, your knees on the ground so u could kneel against the bed and changbin would hold ur hips n rock them

he just feels so bad he can’t do anything to help u with the pain 🥺

yall kinda vibing with the hospital food (idk bout yall but some food from hospitals smack chile)

“i just want to go home.” :(

u bet ur ass he scoots into ur hospital bed, holding ur hands n u just cry into his shoulder

he feels like his heart is being torn to pieces when he listens to u cry out of pain

his free hands holds your jaw, making u look up at him

“we’re almost done baby, okay? i know it hurts, if i could i would take your pain in a heartbeat. you are incredibly strong and i’m so proud of you. you just need to hang in here for a few more hours, yeah? you think you can do that?”

u give him the weakest smile ever but its better than nothing

u reach 10cm!!!

now the part that wasn’t fun was the pushing :/

u were hurting, u were tired, and u had been promised almost seven times that all u need was one more push but no matter what, it seemed like the baby wasnt budging

“the cord is wrapped around the neck, we need you to stop pushing. okay?”

ur too tired and stopping the pushing sounded good so u did as they said but when they told u they needed to actually reach in and unwrap it ur blood ran cold

u both were worried about how much u could take

u screamed, god it hurt and it felt like hours of them twisting but it was a mere minute

the labor progressed n there it was

“a girl!”

u two are like faucets or waterfalls

shes literally the perfect mixture of u both 🥺

he washed her hair n helped wrap her up in a blanket, giving her over to u for the first time

u both were just in love with her, she was absolutely perfect

he’s obsessed with her, taking in that baby scent, the scent of the light baby shampoo and the bit of baby powder that lingered throughout her onesie

her hair wooooww its so soft n fluffy

her little baby pout and her puffy cheeks

i can see him calling her bunny for awhile as a childhood nickname

he’ll just be like

“oh that’s my bunny!!”

weird look from u but ur heart melts while he bounces her in his arms n gives her some kissies and running his fingers thru her hair

he’s also rly soft, i don’t see him singing but i see him definitely whispering to her about how she’s gonna grow up and have the best life because thats his little girl

“ur gonna have eight uncles, they are crazy but it’s okay. u definitely lucked out on fathers though, i’m pretty good at lullaby's. u did get great genes too, u have a handsome daddy and a gorgeous mommy. we worked really hard on making u, please don’t hurt ur cute little face. u also have a storm coming, there’s a thing called stays, they are gonna adore you, i promise.”

omgomgomgomg jejejejeje im blushing at the thought of this i just adore dad changbin

u guys may or may not be planning for another but it definitely would happen in a few years

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icecreamkink · 3 years

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so i watched cobra kai all in two days and i have so many -

this show has so many cool and smart angles to it, but the same time.... its so stupid oh my god everyone is so dumb literally mr miyagi held all of the braincells in this whole universe

like i am but at the same time i am not surprised it was made like this, bc in hindsight of course there were hordes of ppl simping over johnny lawrence .... but it still amuses me that this is like... an Actual Official Thing

ok this will get long so cut it is

how much fun this cast has is super visible and i love it

i rly enjoy how the world was expanded ! i did grow up watching the karate kid movies, so watching how they progressed the world of the movies so organically was pretty cool. it rly feels like its the same universe

i fucking LOVE stories that are largely about a Thing. dancing ,skating, sports its just so thrilling to experience this all consuming relationship people can have with this type of activity? and martial arts are just that much more intense, so yeah, grown ass men kicking each other around at the lightest provocation and a war veteran caring so much abt teen karate is Ridiculous.... but i love it all because thats the intensity i find so thrilling

was kinda surprised with how much im missing mr. miyagi. first because, like everyone is so unhinged jesus christo, it just really throws into relief how much his character grounded the narrative of the movies. but also hes just a really great character

and on that note it rly Gets Me that the show itself aknowledges that and plays that into daniels angst and all the little ways they sorta weave myiagisms into the whole show........ im not getting emotional over this dumb karate dads show OK

related - i really miss hearing ‘daniel-san’ 🥺🥺

ACE DEGENERATE oh god oh no

they really went down the down and out johnny lawrence route huh. like i was always kinda bummed we see kreese choking him and then we never see him again in the movies, and while i love dumpster fire problematic trash himbo ck johnny, its like......................... actually really sad that his life turned out like this fjngn

everytime i hear ‘babes’ and ‘pussy’ i die a little inside. i know thats the point but i am a v cringe easy person, have mercy (ehe)

loved the way they are constantly drawing parallels between johnny and mr. myiagi of all people. hes the handy man of his building that has a bullied kid asking for help and eventually steps up to teach them karate, beats up a bunch of bullies for him, creates a friendship with said kid, estranged from family, drinks his sorrows away, surprisingly one of the least quick to anger characters (which says more about everyone else really but.... Well.), no schemes or ulterior motives hes just tryna vibe here.... oh and ofc magically heals miguel of is asthma apparently. the true disciple.. meanwhile daniel is his usual messy petty self even tho he wants to be mr myiagi so bad

also interesting about that is how miguels character is a parallel of both johnny and daniel at the same time

overall the parallels in ck are done really well, drawing comparisons and also subverting them constantly. theyre well thought out

THE PARALELOGRAMS

fr tho, the angle being explicitly the cycle of trauma and its effects and how trumatized adults in turn traumatize kids, maliciously or not, is so interesting

but! on the flip side of that, it feels like the writers are getting in their own way @ letting the characters grow. especially this last season. theres only so many times you can do "johnny and daniel are getting along but 5mins later they are (literally) fighting over some dumbass random issue" or "johnny puts in 20% of effort with robby and then gives up" before it gets on your nerves yknow?

i see daniel no longer talks like macchio ingested 15 shots of espresso before every take and idk how to feel about that tbh

interesting tension in daniel, as in, in tkk mr miyagi was there and daniel was frankly, kind of a lil shit, this messy petty spitfire hot tempered sassy kid,(johnny lawrence voice: just... stop being so annoying) but now hes the adult, and he wants to be mr. miyagi... but hes just not, and never will be to his very core and it shakes him and in a way hes trying to find who he is now that he sees himself in a position to be a not! cobra kai figure. i kinda really like that

plus how that relates to his cobra kai trauma. idk if the writers thought abt it Like That, i think so, but in any case, its interesting bc it seems like daniel has told everyone whod listen about johnny lawrence his Pretty Boy Karate Rival and high school and 84 cobra kai... But. no one seems to know what went on in 85 (or 86? idk) which was just so much worse

like ye og cobras were shitheads, but tkk iii is just two hours of daniel being emotionally and physically tortured.

like, the third movie is.............chaotic, to put it nicely, and many people ignore it, but the writers clearly didnt. daniels actions are, in a way, responding so much more to the events of tkk iii than to the first movie ie. johnny himself, AND. daniel doesnt rly seem to have dealt with that trauma? he never told sam? doesnt feel like hes ever told amanda? he doesnt even say terrys name out loud? freaks Out over kreese ? the way he reacts to robbys deceit? his FACE when he walks past the new "fear does not exist in this dojo" paint or kreeses photo? hmMm i sense Pain

his fashion tho........... disappointing. where are the flower shirts daniel huh we had one (1) shirt what a tragedy STOP WEARING SUITS ALL THE TIME . also the band ts/grunge bi are a look for johnny but part of me longs for the preppy lovable 80s bully chic johnny lawrence getups

weird that they never used that last moment of karate kid where johnny kinda... snaps out of his anger and hands daniel the trophy almost in tears. like “youre alright larusso, good match” “thanks a lot” that being their last direct interection seems like itd be perfect fruit for cobra kai but... they just dont. weird.

especially when, the FIRST SCENE they see each other, suposedly in 30+ years, the first thing to come out of daniels mouth is QUOTE "u still got those golden locks huh?" WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT DANIEL FUCKING SAN

also amandas immediate reaction "your pretty boy rival?" like. can we talk about the fact that daniel had to have imparted to his wife the very important information that his high school bully/karate rival was like Really Cute and Fucking Hot Actually

the writers Knew exactly what they were doing and honestly.............. power to them

tkk director voice: and billy was just so cute

also I was thinking that daniel sounded strangely fond in that first scene, and i wonder if he developed a weird affection for johnny on the grounds that of all of his Karate Rivals johnny was actually the only one who didn’t actively tried to literally kill him

i was actually delightedly surprised with how great the chemistry between them is, like from the get go i am Invested. their rl friendship totally bleeds through and its fantastic

. granted, idiots enemies to lovers friends is my Thing so i am biased

johnny lawrence: i am down in the dumps, i fucked up my whole life and my sons probably, largely in light of the trauma that the father figure sensei and the philosophy of my karate inflicted on me and all my friends. u know what i should do, as a traumatized, unreliable mess of an adult? teach that same philosophy to some other kids! what could go wrong!

but really i enjoy the setup of it. i kinda like that i watched it late because, season 1 was johnny setting himself up for failure in a way and it was exciting to watch it all go to shit sjfn

Like. his heart might be in the right place, but theres just.... not a way to teach something like ‘strike hard, no mercy’ and not have it fuck up a kid

case and point: aisha, miguel and hawk become annoying as all hell over that bullshit in the end of s1, even before shit gets truly fucked up

billys subtle panicked eyes when he sees hawk and miguel fighting dirty in the all valley was SO GOOD especially in parallel with the panic that is so visible in his face in the movie when kreese tells bobby to injure daniel and in the sweep the leg scene

seen people question wether kreese should have returned and i absolutely think he needed to. johnny needed to realize that cobra kais fundamentals are flawed, at the root, beyond kreese himself being a toxic piece of shit

also who are we kidding? we are here to see the tkk characters play on new playgrounds!

i get what they're doing abt kreeses backstory, ( also. cobra kai. pq eles caem nas cobras djjs sorry) but did it need to take up that much time? feels like they couldve done it in half the run time and developed some other stories better

martin kove has such an evil eye. i love it

love that we get a good follow up to kreese breaks johnnys trophy and tries to CHOKE HIM in the parking lot, which happened in the movie and then....................... was never mentioned again

“the gang is all back together again” aaaa u piece of SHIT

also. terry silver is definetely appearing ha ha ha PAIN i cant wait

seen ppl say kreese was too much of a cartoon villain like..........................oh......... sweetie........... u dont even Know

interested how johnny will fit into that bc kreese was simping rly hard for johnny here. like i did not expect him to be so adamant to have him with cobra kai ... under his control, sure, but he really wants johnny by his side despite already having control of the dojo and how will terry silver self appointed jon kreeses forever simp going to feel abt that?

like bitchs dropping by every episode like ‘joooooohnny ..... come bacc to me joooonny......... this ur last warning! for real this time johnny! i wont say it again! watch me ! im leaving johnny! im rly leaving ! im dragging a chair” and johnny is just like. dont let the door hit ya bitch it was so funny pls

and on that subject oof, johnny! doesnt! Know! he doesnt get that side of daniels cobra kai trauma. and i kind of.............. cannot wait for ck 2021 johnny lawrence to meet terry silver like. what a shit show i need a front row seat and popcorn (imagine terry tries some greasy charm and johnny just roundhouse kicks him in the teeth bc he just doest Not Have the Patience for This. glorious)

feels like we, as a society, should acknowledge that cobra kai will never die................ bc their sense of design is just chefs kiss. their name is COBRA KAI. they have sexie sleeveless black gis. theyve sneks. colorful leather jackets with embroided naja insignia, the get ppl thru the aesthetics. evil geniuses

the flashback cuts : masterpiece behavior

the other takes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the differente angles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CLOSE UP ON JOHNNYS FACE AT THE KICK

that scene of daniel and johnny vibing to 80s music in the car. just. oh my god. the fan wish fullfilment. no thoughts head empty.

the new characters! theyre .... good. but. idk. i really like miguel (save for the annoying phase mid s1 - end s2) and amanda, who is a damn riot and has some functioning braincells, but everyone else is

like dont get me wrong, i dont hate anyone,its not a jane and rafael from jtv situation, and i am interested and invested in their arcs, but i wouldnt say i like Like them, as in, personality wise

like, sams grappling with ptsd was rly gutting and i enjoyed that plus her slight rage issues,

which nicely parallel torys rage issues. torys background is all over the place tho so im pretty on the fence abt her so far

robby deserves better in every way, and i like how smart and cunning and surprisingly sweet he is

hawk............... is there i guess,

demetri is annoying in the best way possible,

carmen is sweet but. i just feel like her character is blunted to make the johnny relationship easier. like when shes furious with him after miguels injury but then forgives him like an episode later? and then convinces him to fight for the tournament bc she had a karate epiphany off screen even tho she was always against it? meh. feels like with the plot thiccening she was swallowed and now shes like a crutch for johnny mora than anything, which is disappointing.

aisha was cool and im kinda mad she wasnt in s3, especially bc a storyline with her tory and sam was like RIGHT THERE , but also... cant say i was super super fond of her... doesnt feel like we ever spent enough time on her

moon the bi icon,

overall its a good cast but the main draw for me remains the og cast

the tory/sam miguel/robby Thing. enjoy how theyre Narrative Foils and i like how their stories were so dramatically entangled but oh god give me a break with the teenage love square for the love of god. if u gonna put us through that at least have the decency to not make it so straight

and honestly some sam/tory miguel/robby romantic tension would even make more sense. just saying!

also im not sure how i feel abt the cobra kai: red miyagi do: blue theyre going with since some of daniels most iconic looks in tkk are also red. like it was a color they (johnny and him) sorta shared. i get it, opposite but complementary but idk... a little too fire nation and water tribe for me .

and like the cobra kai kids are so funny abt it bc their outifts grow progressively more ridiculously coordinated. its like do they group chat every morning before leaving their houses?

robby still sticks out like that tho. he went thru an athleisure/daniel san tsleeves phase and now hes back in the bandts grunge, but his color scheme doesnt fully blend with the other cobra kais. hmmmm.

LOVED LOVED LOVED both the okinawa episode and the cobra kais easy rider episode just such good good heart aching fun

bobby is an icon. he was in tkk and he is now ck hope appears more and more

tommy is like the most iconic background character. all his lines, freaking gold then and now. sigh :(

the framing in the okinawa trip was so good everything was so good

i stand by the fact that kumiko was the love interest daniel had the most chemistry with and shes is overall such a joy to watch, loved to see her again, idola, fashion icon

also tkk ii is good u guys are just mean

also really enjoyed chozens role in the episode, his evolution; i love that they introduced the pressure points (ty lee the blueprint) and! the honk + karate! cousins! absolutely iconic

when kumiko reads mr miyagis letters........ oh my god, my eyes FILLED with tears, it was so heart wrenching :(( tamlyns delivery was so emotional and lovely and its so obvious everyone involved in ck has so much love and respect for pat morita and mr miyagi as character, and i adore that it exists like this electric current through the show

when we were watching i told my sister i thought that ali would be miguels big shot surgeon and ngl i am so disappointed that didnt happen. hire me cobra kai writers

also the johnny ali daniel amanda chemistry? off the charts

AND the sassy retconning of daniel and alis breakup! LMAO ‘I HOPE U DIDNT TELL MR MIYAGI IT WAS MY FAULT’ HFDJJGNKFKSD

i am preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure back injuries dont work like that but oke

daniel and johnny are so good together whenever, like they never actually help the kids or get shit done and end up fighting anyway but its just so much fun when theyre hanging

JOHNNY LAWRENCE AND DANIEL LARUSSO FIGHTING TOGETHER

daniels “plan” on how to get robby to juvie was so stupid. literally were u TRYING to make him hate you. dumbass

parents at those hearing rly brave for ppl that did not do ANYTHING as their kids got involved in a karate gang war until now

“bullshit i heard u were the real bully!” i mightve screeched

this s3 ending was SO DRAMATIC omg

everyone is such a MESS go to THERAPY u unhinged motherfckers

also im sorry but uh. a richass neighborhood in california doesnt have some type of neighborhood watch? the larussos rly dont have any security at all? neighbors wont hear the sound of a damn karate brawl happening next door??? also wasnt tory all like ooo i cant go to juvie, my mom yada yada yet shes always running around town getting into fights even at the rich girls house she was kicked out of school for fighting?? ? ?? ?? ? ? ? ?? ? ? girl??

stop destroying the larussos house, its so pretty :((((

sam finding her center looking at mr miyagis picture... uwu maybe

robby yelling ‘U ARE WEAAK’@ johnny \as he is easily blocking him is like.... so funny and so sad to me. sweetheart.

also i know it was meant as ‘oh johnny pushes him and HURTS HIM’ but it just looks like robby runs himself into the lockers and IM SO SORRY I FEEL SO BAD BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY

i like that he and tory are the cobra kai kids now. we need ppl we care abt there to not revert to a good vs evil schtick, and this is the most engaging it could be... tho it hurts that these kids cant catch a break

ah yes "lets bet some real shit on the result of this teen karate tournament bc that is always a great idea" is BACK

so daniel saves johnny from kreese..... maybe johnny will save him from terry 🧐

and dojos unite ohohoho. lets SEE how that’ll work out

miguels face of Despair when the ck defectors and the md kids are bickering like 'this is never gonna work' : gold

also. Johnny Lawrence is gonna learn some myiagi-do karate AHAAHSJAKDFH

ive been waiting for this moment all my lifeeee oh lawrd

final thoughts! there are def things i hope the writers will improve on the next season, but i am very excited for it either way AND i feel like it has made me enjoy the movies even more and that is a win for a reboot/sequel to me!!

#m.#did i procrastinate watching this since it came out and only watched it now bc my sister nagged me to when i said we should #watch karate kid over the holidays?#and then binged the whole thing in two days??#mayhaps and what abt it #cobra kai #the karate kid #its funn #y bc like karate kid is a Childhood movie but i wouldnt say #it was like particularly special for me?#like i wasnt in a fandom or anything #but now.#i might be invested #maybe #talvez

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misterbitches · 3 years

Text

Dude yong jie’s character is literally unbearable this is like how not to write a vharacter 101

Our first intro to him is stalking, then PUNCHING someone in the LIVER bc the person he “loves” was fucking drunk and he blames his best friend? Then his mom is like “lmao actually um hes psycho” so anything they try to do retroactively like how they peppered in HIS DAD DIED A BLOO BLOO but previously it was also his OWN MOM going “im afraid he’ll lose his humanity” so not only was there no breathing room then it’s bumrushing him into their lives as best friends and it doesnt work. This dude sucks and he isnt even fun to watch. You know how breaking bad has one of the most abysmal main characters of all time but all of us were fucking ENGROSSED but the show made it clear that every enemy he faces, even the DEA, we want THEM to win (it is also a class analysis but woreva) so i am like wtf they show us literally nothing here. He’s just there. Wasting space and being awful. What is the purpose of his character in ssu’s life? Once you rape someone it is fucking over full stop but he didnt even fucking manage to start off in any compelling fucking way. Absolutely bonkers dude Esp bc theres at least a base moral code ie DONT HARRASS GIRLS UR “INTO” and thats why mei fang the absolute mad lad beaut was like “lmao nah i hate u”

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?????????????????????????????????? WHERE IS THE WRITING HERE? WHAT IS THE SCRIPT? awhat is the PROGRESSION? This is such an insanely fucking dumb plo5 point i rly cannnnjnnntoeiwijshsgsgsgsgsgsgeggwiwowiw GORL

Lets talk abt the good things in the characters (theres none for yong jie hes just there being a little bitch)

Li cheng - himbo dumbass “manly” cutie and the manly stuff is fun cos it gets heaped on and yet every bit of him can be extremely “feminine” and jubilant. Great.

Muren - seems >:O but i rly like that hes actually pretty open in his own way. Side note: he is so thin and willow-y i rly loke tall pretty boys (and all women lmao) and he doesnt do it for me but He suits the character like his body and the way his character is. Also u gotta be weird and he is

Hsinng ssu (girl im never gonna learn how to spell their names it’s too much work cos the eng alphabet andnromanization is terrible) - mild mannered, good son, a homosexual confirmed confirmed g”(awesome!) great friend, good brother (and i guess his reward is being raped, great message!) and someone ppl like

The establishment of the three of them and their distinct personalities happens within minutes and then we meet

Yongjie - what about him? He may have an MI, okay, but we dont know for sure and oh gee that doesnt matter actually bc u have to get urself treated and also not be terrible. Not even psychopaths do the shit he does BC THEY HAVE TO GET HELP. Why the parents didnt get him help and are just realizing their son is terrible? Who knows . His purpose seems yo be “boy obsessed with brother like his actual brother” i dont care id they arent related in that way bc that’s not the fucking crux of incest and it is so insanely Fucked every thing to do with incest is almost always a disgusting powe r issue. WHAT PURPOSE DOES HE SERVE? WHAT DO WE ONOW ABOUT HIM OTHER THAN HE IS A FUCKING JERK AND AN IDIOT AND SUCKS AND I HATE HIM AND THAT HE WANTS TO STALK AND ATTACK THIS REALLY AWESOME FUCKING DUDE OK

There’s no returning point deom rhe line they croased byt theyb set him up for failure. Even in the fight hes a fucking cheater hes a goddamn immature rat they know he fucking sucks but he just sits there and waits for everyone else to move around him. A fucking selfish prick with nor edeeming qualities snd hes also a violent rapist stalker. Really great that thry have no clue how to make this dude actually have any humanity or likeability. Hes the man from 365 days basically except not even that hot and at least he kidnapped her but “WAITED” for “CONSENT” but in that movie’s world nothing mattered and it was bad and the point was to have a horny movie. But this show is for younger ppl and also IT HAS RULES AND IT KNOWS WHAT BAD ACTIONS ARE???? Soooooooooooooo in all these other dumb salacious books there seems to be just a mutual agreement that it’s fucked up but totally normal i their movie’s universee (it isnt and it is still just bad filmmaking)

Also it is up to yong jie to figure put how to get over it and understand that his brother is concerned for him. Bc it is. His brother. There’s a reason that incest is never advisable and thays bc there is no way in that situation that people aren’t somehow being coerced. There has to be a sort of split in the pursuer and the person being pursued bc one person is not thinking that way. (This is why people who find out they are related after the fact and havent grown up together is something thatms really unfortunate. They had no idea and they have to grapple with that but that is another scenario and it happens bc THEY DIDNT GROW UP TOGETHER.) i have experienced this from a (not immediate) fam member and i was the vulnerable one, had less powr, that is how it must go.

Thats why the power imbalance is scary and none of this is acceptable but it begs the question how did they get to this point? But the show doesnt even address that bc they cant bc theyre not original. And power imbalance does not mean automatic absolutely not territory. Theres things we dont like (in my casee i hate age gaps a lot) but i will avoid that.

I havemt seen “right or wrong” and i have no desire but from what ive garnered from ppl i like who liked that episode, the show outlined the moral issues with it. Idk if they did it in a way i would have preferred (again no desire) but at lesst from what ive heard it...tries? Idk i dont see the need for these if they dont give us a reason why these ppl should be together and there’s several lines that cannot be crossed that were. Basically it’s like stockholm syndrome now and there’s no choice for him, it goes beyond power imbalance and “legality” so to speak and now it’s just entrapment.

Theres not even avoiding or enjoying. Even for MODC as stupid as i found the secondary rship and negligent even like ok. Fine. Whatever. His boyfriend is 100 but at least it was semi agreed upon. It is what it is, go forth. I will criticize it but at least it was the story and as stupid and gross as i think it is and they will probs break up (idc what the show says) at least there are set ups that can make us see “why” it works and oh, gee, their whole rship relies on a different fucked up but at least at some point it could possibly be transcended. The foundation of youngjie is “rape entrapment and aw now they are in lvoe” BITCH NOOOO???? Where is the REASON? And why should we root for them? (There is none and when the Thing happens it is now impossible for that not to be absolutely foundational to their rship lmao and that is never something that goes away.)

I would like to say theres nothing romantic int he flashbacks i know thats what theyre trying to twll us but the actor is 30 and that child is like 8.

Im not missing the point bc i see it with my eyes and it sucks. If you cant even write the character well then how do you interest something heavy and work out the links? The only solution is yongjie dying i mean fucking off forever and hsing ssu not letting him into his lifeXni doubt we will get that but at the very least they cannot end up together and that will be their crowning fucking achievement over the waste of time bullshit plot this was. Imagine actual conflict that wasnt so deeply fucking traumatic and, oh, again WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? They fucked up SO FUCKING BADLY. This gives people the wrong idea about how these things work. God he is truly a shitty character and his ass isnt even fat so wtf bitch why am i here!

#history 4: close to you #history 4 #a thot #god my anxiety was thru the roof turns out i needed to eat

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novannna · 4 years

Text

Newest Addition

So this is unedited bc im lazy and kinda rly bad, but thats ok. Takes place when Tala realizes she’s pregnant, and just is about her and David figuring out what to do. Pretty much all from Tala’s POV except from like a paragraph from David’s. word count: 1807

@renegadesnet event 2: august of anarchy  ↪ [ anarchist/age of anarchy ]

Tala walked over to her husband and sat down in a chair. He was leaning over the table, his back hunched and his eyes focused on the delicate strands of energy in front of him.

“Mahal…” she said softly. “I have something I need to tell you.” Nervousness fluttered in her belly, but he quickly pushed it away.

He looked up from his work, a small locket, still half finished, and smiled. He reached up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“Of course, Caro,” he replied. He shifted his body so he was facing her. “What is it?” There was worry and fear on his face. “Is something wrong?”

Tala looked at his warm brown eyes and felt herself melt a little bit. “No, nothing’s wrong,” she reassured him. “At least… not now.”

He chuckled nervously. “You're scaring me Tala.”

“I’m pregnant,” she blurted out.

David dropped the locket he had been holding. “Your… your pregnant?” He rubbed the space between his eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

She nodded shakily. “Yes. I’m positive.”

David smiled at her, his eyes sparkling. “Caro, we are going to have a family! We are going to have a child!” He stopped when he saw her expression. “What is it, Tala? What's wrong? Do you not want this?” His eyes were filled with concern

“I want a baby, it's just…” she trailed off. “I’m scared. With everything that’s happening right now, can we really start a family? We can barely feed ourselves, how will we be able to afford another mouth. And everything is so dangerous. They could get hurt, or die. That would be our fault. I’m scared David. I’m so scared.”

He stood up and wrapped his arms around her. “What do you want to do? I want to raise a family with you, but only when you are ready. I can ask my brother for a doctor for an abortion, or something, and we don’t need to think about it again until we’re ready. I love you, Tala. I want what you want.”

Tala collapsed into his arms and started to cry. “I don’t know what to do David. I don’t want to sentence our child to a terrible life. But, I also want to have a family,” she sniffled. “Let me think about it.” Tala swiped an arm across her eyes.

“Anything for you Caro.”

---

Tala placed a hand on her round stomach, and felt the baby kick. She had finally decided to keep the child, but she woke up at night, worrying that she handmade the wrong choice.

David would reassure her that they would do everything they possibly could to care for their child, but Tala did not know if that would be enough.

A sharp knock on the door. She started to get up, but David was there already, swinging the door open before she could even stand. Tala scowled. She hated being helpless.

“David, Tala! It's so good to see you,” Alec crowed at the couple. “It’s been too long.” The brothers embraced. David stepped inside to let Alec into the house. A woman followed behind him, her head tucked down. Tala wondered why she was here, she had never seen her before.

As if reading her mind, David asked, “And who is this, Alec?”

“I’m Penny,” the woman said softly.

“I’m Tala,” Tala responded warmly.

Alec clapped his hand down onto Penny’s shoulder. “Penny can help you if you want. She can assist you with any pregnancy problems, Tala. I wouldn’t want to have anything happen to my brother’s precious wife.” Tala bit down a snarl at his smug way of talking. She had never liked Alec, but she knew that he loved David dearly, and David loved him back. But Tala couldn’t look at him without seeing all the horrible crimes he had done.

She forced a grateful smile onto her face. “Thank you Alec, but I think we’ll be fine. I would rather give Penny’s skills to someone who really needs them.”

Alec raised his eyebrows at her. “Very well. Penny, your welcome to leave.”

The woman glanced at the door. “Before I go, I can look and see the sex of your child. If you would like,” she said to Tala.

Tala and David looked at each other. He shrugged. “That would be wonderful,” Tala said. Penny nodded. She walked over to Tala and placed her hands on her stomach. She closed her eyes and her eyebrows furrowed. Tala looked over towards David. The two brothers had walked away from the woman and were talking quietly.

Penny lifted her hands off Tala’s round stomach and smiled. “It’s a girl,” she said.

A girl. Tala smiled. “A girl, Mahal,” she called out to David. “We’re going to have a little girl.”

David rushed over. “A girl.” He grinned wide. “My love, we can do it.”

Tala reached out and took Penny’s hand in her own. “Thank you so much,” she said thickly. “You have no idea how much this means to all of us.”

Penny nodded uncomfortably. “I’m happy to help.”

“You can go now,” Alec told her. Penny nodded. She waved her hand and sped out the door.

“My love are you feeling okay?” David asked her.

She smiled at him. “Just tired. I think I’ll go take a nap. You two have fun.” She stood and started to walk towards the bedroom.

“Actually, I should be heading out too,” Alec said. “I have some business to take care of. I’ll try and come around more.” He smiled at them, and hurried out the door.

“Do you need anything?” David asked Tala. he walked over to where she stood.

“No.” she shook her head. “I’m fine.” She kissed her husband on the cheek. “I love you, Mahal.”

“And I love you, Caro.”

---

“How about Amber?” David asked. The couple were lying in bed, each of them holding a notepad. Tala wrinkled her nose, but wrote it anyway. She was about 8 months pregnant and her stomach was the size of a large watermelon.

“I don’t know. It sounds kinda… pretentious.” she shrugged. “I like Aurora.”

He raised his eyebrows. “And you called me pretentious?”

“Okay, so no?” She held her pen over the word, ready to scratch it out.

“Leave it, we can narrow it down later. Now, we’re just brainstorming.”

“Okay.” She snuggled in closer. “What if we named her after your crazy aunt. Macy, right?”

David laughed. “We are NOT naming our child after my insane aunt. I won't be that cruel to our daughter.”

“Okay. fine, I never liked her anyways.”

He grinned at her. “I like Sierra.”

“Ooh, me too. I like that one a lot, actually.” They wrote it down on the paper. “Umm, how ‘bout Clarence.”

“I guess. Not my favourite, but it's all right.” He shrugged. “I like Sequoia.”

“Pretty.” she kissed his chin lightly. “I like all of these, but none of them feel right, you know? Like they aren’t right.”

“Yeah. you never know, maybe we’ll have to wait till she’s born to decide.” he pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. “Do you ever just imagine what she will be like? What she’ll look like, how she’ll act.”

“All the time.” Tala felt as if she was admitting to some secret thing, only she did.

“Me too,” David said. “In my mind, she’s going to be short, just like you.”

“Hey!” Tala playfully shoved him. He grinned at her.

“She’ll be short and have short black hair. It will be slightly wavy, a mix between ours.”

“And she’ll have your gorgeous blue eyes,” Tala added with a smile.

“What? No no no. She’s going to have your brown eyes.”

Tala shook her head. “No way.”

“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.” He grinned. “One more month, and another member will be joining the Artino family.”

“David, what if she’s a prodigy?”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “If she is, we can’t tell Alec. He’ll convince her to join the anarchists, or will try and exploit her powers. We CANNOT let him know if she is a prodigy.”

“Yeah.” Tala sighed. “I hope she isn't. Being a prodigy right now is more dangerous right now than it ever has been. With both Renegades and Anarchists, as well as a number of other gangs competing to recruit prodigy’s and normal citizens, fear… it won’t end well.”

“We don’t need to worry yet. And you should sleep. It's getting late.”

“Alright. Lets just think of a few more name ideas.”

“Of course Caro.”

---

Tala screamed as pain rushed through her body. She shuddered and squeezed David’s hand tightly. He squeezed it back.

“Come on, Caro. You can do it!” His tone was encouraging, but his eyes were filled with fear. Tala lay on their bed, and Penny stood on the side. David stood across from her, watching fearfully.

Alec sat at the kitchen table, watching from a distance.

Tala screamed again. Penny dabbed at her sweaty forehead with a damp cloth.

There was silence, then the sound of a baby’s cry filled the small apartment. Tala smiled, her face wet with tears and sweat, her entire body exhausted. Penny gently handed the baby to her.

The little girl was covered with blood. She had a small tuft of black hair and sparkling blue eyes that stared straight at Tala. SHe felt her heart melt.

“Nova,” David said.

“I’m sorry?” Tala asked, confused.

“I think we should name her Nova. It fits her, don’t you think?”

Tala nodded. “I like it. She bent her head over her daughter. “Hello, little Nova. Welcome to the world.”

Nova giggled and reached her hand up. Tala smiled and lowered her head for the baby to reach. Nova’s hand patted her nose. Tala slumped backwards, fast asleep in the span of a second. David stared in shock.

“Oh, shit,” he muttered to himself as he watched his daughter. Penny walked over and scooped Nova up. She swaddled her in a blanket and passed her to David.

“Your daughter,” she said with a smile. David looked at the small bundle in his hand.

“Congratulations, David,” Alec said. He leaned over his shoulder and smiled at the little girl. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks for everything,” he said. “Me and Tala really appreciate all your help.”

“Of course. I’ll try to come around more. I want to be a part of my niece's life.”

“And I want you in it to.” David smiled at his older brother.

“I should go. Let me know if Nova shows any signs of being a prodigy, will you?”

David glanced at his sleeping wife, then the baby in his hands. She gurgled happily. He forced a smile. “Of course. We’ll let you know right away.”

#renegadesnet #renegades #tala artino #david artino #nova artino #alec artino #fic

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lemongogo · 4 years

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hey im the anon abt gyutaro/ume and i dont remember what happens to demons after they die ?? did i miss smth ? regardless i wanna ask what do you think their fate should be ? cause on one hand i think they're just victims of a cruel world who took the first way out they could find but on the other hand it doesnt rlly justify all the slaughter, and i also think abt the demon slayers who also suffered horrible fates and used it to fuel their determination to save other people from that pain

hi !! i don’t think kny ever explicitly mentions what happens to demons after they die (as in we never have concrete evidence of where they go or how their lives after are spent), but i think the general consensus is that the demons go to hell.

in some cases, the family can decide to go with them (ex: rui and i think akaza? if i remember correctly?) but their fate is pretty much sealed from that point forward i believe.

heres a pic of gyuutarou and ume, actually, in chapter 97 !!

but yeah !! thats something i think about a lot tbh. as you mentioned, many of the demons we’ve seen have either been groomed into demonhood (rui, ume, susamaru, etc.) or had their pain and suffering exploited (akaza, gyuutarou) for the sake of advancing other demons’ plans (muzan, douma, etc). so i agree ! a lot of these characters are unfortunate victims in themselves and its impossible to view their stories without incorporating the struggles they’ve had to face as both humans AND demons. especially considering that lots of these individuals experience muzan’s abuse regardless of their status relative to him (such as with the upper and lower moons). i think this is best explained through akaza’s relationship with muzan,

(ch. 67)

(ch.156)

and further explored though tanjiro’s observation of rui’s death. he notes that being a demon, for most, is an existence punctuated by extreme grief and despair, and that’s equally supported, i think, by the humanization of these demons following death. that their original conscious is restored (albeit with knowledge of everything they’ve done) and are oftentimes plagued by the guilt of what’s happened.

(ch.43)

what he says here is probably what sums it up for me. that while it’s important to condemn these demons and hold them accountable for the truly awful things they’ve done, it’s also important to consider the suffering they've experienced through existence alone. its so !! complex !! and thats what i love about kny. i love how .. you have some demons who are entirely despicable and bask in the carnage they create, but you also have some for whom demonhood was simply what appeared to be the only answer towards living a healthier life or righting the wrongs that’ve been done to them (usually with false promises and manipulation unbeknownst to them). and .. its so hard to figure out where to.. draw that line. or view these characters at least. because you sympathize with their pain, but you also realize that their actions have caused endless pain for many hundreds of people. tanjiro losing his entire family, giyuu losing his. shinobu watching her sister die before her very eyes, and kanao the same. the ubuyashiki family’s curse or the slaughter of himejima’s children. you look at characters like sanemi, shinobu, or giyuu and understand that you cannot invalidate their view of demons either. while kanae and tanjiro may find hope and humanity in demons, they exist as monsters who feast on pain to everyone else. its important not to discredit their perspective when making a personal choice to observe the demons’ hardships yknow. shinobu’s anger is just as warranted as tanjiro’s optimism and that neither are wrong for how they personally feel demons should be handled after death.

im like. AAAAAAAA theres so much to it , its really hard for me to condense into a few sentences AHAHA im so sry for making u read this if u still are. but . i guess i’m not too sure. i think maybe, had i experienced the same pain as those above, it would be easy for me to say the demons deserve to go to the worst hell imaginable regardless of what they’ve gone through because that history isn’t accessible to everyone like it has been the audience (or that they’ve seemingly made the conscious decision to cause harm w/o understanding the ways in which demonhood obscures their original conscious/morality). but at the same time, you have those like tanjiro whose world view is shaped by positive encounters with demons like nezuko, tamayo, yushirou, etc. where it seems very evident that . theres more to it than what meets the eye.

one of my friends ive talked to about this had a rly good perspective on it thats kinda stuck with me since !! she said she likes to view their conclusion as some . separation of identity?? if that makes sense?? that the demon side of them goes to hell while their human form goes to heaven (or division into whichever afterlife). and !! i think thats a really neat interpretation because there’s obvious descrepancy between demon personas and human personas. that the demon personas are like. exaggerations of their flaws, almost (akaza becoming hellbent on battle spirits and physical victories when hajuki’s fury & determination was fueled by love in a sense) while their human personas are the truest sense of self. and depending on which influence there is (muzan vs the appearance of loved ones), their identity changes accordingly. so ! idk ! thats one nice way of looking at it. holding their demon personas accountable while also recognizing that many of these characters deserve some form of healing after many hundreds of years of abuse. its hard because ofc i don’t want to negate the harms they’ve caused but its also? not cut and dry given the environment they were placed in and the fact that muzan’s blood essentially removes their humanity against their will you know. so in this way at least you have both forms of self receiving the proper conclusion.

whwhwhw so im. !!!!!!!!!!!! ah !! i can’t say i have a definite answer but i think the one above is smth thats comforting to me. i think the story settles with sending them to hell once they’ve regained their past self but also .. “softens” it by providing them company by their loved ones who are willing to go w them?? so thats rly cool to look at too. because it holds them accountable for all that’s happened but also.. recognizes that they’re not wholly responsible for it either and that .. even in hell they’re able to keep their connections and human emotions/experiences . its tragic yet oddly. fitting, i think, of the kny narrative. while i like the aforementioned interpretation, i also really.. appreciate the way its set up in canon too. like yeah i want the best for them but also. it fits in with the tragic nature of demonhood and what it meant for them all. oddly enough.

u make a good point too !! about demon slayers experiencing the same hardships but using their pain to help others. i think a lot of it is plainly chalked up to luck in terms of.. what they were exposed to following tragedy. how shinobu and kanae were saved by himejima, tanjiro saved by giyuu, kanao picked up by shinobu and kanae, sanemi given the guidance of kagaya while akaza was killed by muzan during his lowest moment, ume and gyuutarou were cornered by douma, rui misled by muzan, etc. i think circumstance is definitely a large factor in determining the paths that were taken. such as sanemi’s anger being validated and heard by ubuyashiki vs, say, akaza’s same anger being intentionally exploited for muzan’s gain.

aaa anyways. theres a lot 2 be said about this. like. SO much on my mind and obviously the extent of muzan’s abuse goes far deeper than what’s briefly mentioned here but. i love talking about the complexities of kny . and how i view the demons vs the corps and how each of them have grown into their respective stories . AA but ill end it here THNK U >> also so sry for making u read thru all of this i get so excited i could talk abt kny all day long if i had the chance AAA

#Anonymous #asktag #tldr: UH im a sympathetic bitch who wishes for some form of recovery for Some demons while also #finding it necessary to hold them accountable.#and easy way to do that is to split identities between human and demon persona but thats mighty convenient for such #a large issue so . the current narrative is probably the one i still oddly like #just bc the little peace they get before descent into hell is. really big #and their support by loved ones following them thru is also. really big #anyways. ya viri i thot of what u said bc its so good #its been a while so idk if its the exact version of how u view it but thts how it stuck w me JSBFSKBFSBJF #naywaysb I LOVE KNY AAAAAAAAAAAAA screams #kny #kny spoilers #kny manga #save for later

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ombreecha · 4 years

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what exactly happened w birkastan? i read your posts responding to them but i didn’t rly understand what the issue was, sorry 😬

No no it’s always okay to ask. I’ll do my best to explain the timeline of things

- I made a post letting my readers know that I don’t require any one specific form of appreciation.

- Birk reblogged one of my stories right after she liked my post and took a very small section out of the post I had made to my readers and pasted it in her reblog. The portion she took without context makes it appear that I don’t care about my audience and readers.

- I reaffirmed that I do not require any one form of appreciation and do not pressure my readers into verbal feedback. Birk confirmed she could see how what she had done could be looked in poor taste, but took this as me reaffirming her instead of being me essentially doing damage control for her taking something I said away from it’s original context.

- After a few replies because I cannot use the reply function with this account as it’s a side blog I request to move the conversation to PM as I didn’t want her feeling like I was putting her on blast in front of my audience.

- For roughly a week we proceeded to converse in PM over the topic of Content Creator vs Consumer. I typically would only respond once a day as, honestly, this was time consuming since no matter what response I provided she would cherry pick one or two sentences she decided to hyper focus on instead of responding to everything I had presented. We touched multiple times on how she should make an actual post properly addressing the fact she was calling literal strangers on the internet “sociopaths”, but her response each time was that it would be pointless as no one would read it.

- Friday came and after consistently watching her try to side step my points to focus on one or two things in paragraph long replies I put my foot down and very flatly just laid things down on the table with her. This specific response is actually public and can be found on twitter as I screenshotted it and released it to the public. She took me being flat as “malicious”. I responded back in kind that if she could not respond thoroughly to what I had to say we had nothing to discuss as this was just wasting my time at this point. She didn’t want to discuss things she just wants to press an agenda after all.

- Finally, Sunday morning I wake up to multiple notifications as @notimeliketoday had been going back and forth with Birk over on my story “Wild” due to Birk taking my words out of context.

- In this fight there appeared to be some kind of confusion that I deleted my portion where I tried to rectify her taking my words out of context. I think they just couldn’t find it because it got buried but Birk proceeded to make the claim that during their fight I must have deleted the post (this was not the case. I went to bed at 4:30 am and woke up sometime around 9 am and the fight had been started and ended during that time).

- I, at this point, became fed up. Other than putting my foot down and being flat in my resolve to no longer have my time wasted by someone who wasn’t actually even conversing to the points I presented had been pretty cordial about it all and was letting it slide that she, whether out of lack of realization or intention, took my words out of context. So to wake up to two parties flinging shit back and forth on one of my stories just was a final straw with Birk.

- Kyo did move the convo to a separate post (which is why Im not having an issue with her) somewhere in the midst of the fight which was massively appreciated but seeing the claims I was deleting things when I wasn’t and the lack of responsibility for taking something I said out of context after giving admission that she could see how she had done that was a breaking point for me to just publicly let it be known I’m not tolerating this behavior nor do I want her touching my work.

- I then made that post calling her out for essentially walking into my “home” so to speak flinging shit on my walls as I slept, lying, claiming I’m deleting things, and trying to side step the fact she’s under some delusion that what she did wasn’t inappropriate—as she tries to play victim hood the entire round.

- Birk then, cowardly might I add, dug her heels deep into all of the four mentioned in the above paragraph responded and then blocked me so I could not properly respond (I’m very familiar with this tactic online as people do it anytime they’re confronted for poor behavior—it’s essentially “haha! Got you I got the last word in and you can’t confront me or say I’m wrong!”)

- I then proceeded to screenshot and respond to each section of what she had said, and now we are here.

So that’s it. That’s what happened and occurred 🤷🏻‍♀️ she’s also evidently very upset I am making an informational post on the content creator vs consumer discourse so readers can understand what exactly is going on. I’ve seen a few posts where people are really confused and so I figure an informational post should be made so they can understand and decide how they personally feel about it.

Hope this helps!

#ombree:asks

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svt-writers-club · 5 years

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😭😭😭😭i just read ur villian au jihan angst and hfksKFKSKKFKSLD IM SO WRECKED???? Do jisoo and jeonghan ever make up? What happens afterwards? Do jihoon and jeonghan rly stay together and does jisoo really just let jeonghan go??? I need to know 😭😭😭😭

>:3 i’m in a strange pining sort of mood so here’s some jihan with some jicheol muahahahahah (i also just wanted an excuse to write some sexy pining jicheol so sue me)

Seungcheol was born with fire in his veins. His earliest memory was setting a dead tree on fire, shrieking in happiness as flames licked the dry branches like autumn leaves. For as long as he can remember, he’s been causing trouble and setting things alight.

Seungcheol is also great at burning bridges (both figuratively and literally – but mostly figuratively). Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t so good at it.

Like now.

He’s been looking for Jeonghan and Jihoon for three months now. It might’ve been easier if he hadn’t been so fucking horrible with keeping in contact with Jihoon (he still has Jeonghan’s number, but Seungcheol isn’t going to pretend he isn’t Enemy Number Two). He’s spent three months bribing, threatening and burning anyone who could’ve had contact with the heartbreak duo – because that’s what they did to Jisoo.

Jisoo might have a reputation of being ruthless and heartless, but Seungcheol knows Jisoo feels something for Jeonghan. Sure, Seungcheol isn’t sure Jisoo is even capable of human emotion, but he imagines that it’s Jisoo’s version of being in love. Jisoo has been heartsick – he’s been mopey, easier to annoy and his kill count has gone from a mere handful a week to dozens on a bad day. As his self-appointed best friend, Seungcheol’s in charge of dealing with that. The last thing he wants is Jisoo in jail. Not in this condition.

Jeonghan is impossible to find. For someone who hates subterfuge and subtlety, he sure is a pro at finding secret hideouts that stay, well, secret. It’s hard to tail someone to their secret lair when you can’t even find the person.

Jihoon, however, couldn’t care less. He’s arrogant and brash, uncaring if he’s caught on camera because the cops will never catch him anyway. God, he’s a cocky bastard. (Maybe that’s why Seungcheol finds him so intriguing.)

However, the bastard is still too smart to lead Seungcheol right to the plant manipulator he needs to talk to. Be it loyalty or some fucked up way to torture Jisoo (and by extension, Seungcheol), but it’s aggravating. Three months is too long to find someone to un-sad Jisoo.

Seungcheol isn’t surprised when Jihoon slips into Pleiades and Andromeda – a strip club that’s frequented by some of Seoul’s most depraved criminals. After all, Seungcheol’s enjoyed his own nights there, either fucking around or fucking shit up. He’s not surprised, but he’s really fucking annoyed. That’s the only reason he stalks after Jihoon, caging him against the bar with his arms.

“Hello, fancy meeting you here while you’re stalking me,” Jihoon drawls, glancing at Seungcheol out of the corner of his eye. The cheeky bastard doesn’t even bother turning to face Seungcheol. The taller growls, pressing closer so Jihoon’s back is flush against Seungcheol’s front.

“No more games,” Seungcheol demands. His palms heat up, smoke curling along his fingers as the wooden surface of the table scorches. “Where the fuck is Jeonghan?”

“Fuck if I’ll tell you,” comes Jihoon’s snide retort. He leans forward, ass pressing against Seungcheol’s groin as he calls for a bourbon and soju mix. Seungcheol hates the fact that his cock gives an interested twitch, despite his don’t fuck the same ass twice rule.

Seungcheol exhales, smoke trailing out of his nostrils as he struggles to reign in his temper. “Jihoon,” he says in an even voice, “I’m doing this for Jisoo.”

“If Jisoo,” pure disdain drips off Jihoon’s tongue, “cares so much about Jeonghannie hyung, then why isn’t he here, threatening me?”

“Because Jisoo is an idiot and he doesn’t know he’s heart broken.” Seungcheol’s hands ball into fists as Jihoon spins in the cage Seungcheol traps him in, glaring up at him with eyes the colour of dark, bitter chocolate.

“I don’t give a shit,” Jihoon hisses, enunciating every syllable. “He left hyung for dead. As far as I’m concerned, he’s better off without The Gentleman.” Jihoon sneers, pushing Seungcheol back with a single finger. “And I sure as hell don’t want anything to do with you.”

Seungcheol bares his teeth – it’s not a grimace, but it’s awfully close. “Come on, doll – ”

“Stop right there,” Jihoon says with an imperious wave of his hand. “I’m not your doll, I’m not your babe. You don’t get to call me disgusting nicknames because you’re nothing to me.”

“You’re not still upset I left, are you?” Seungcheol asks helplessly. He’s always been the fuck ‘em and leave ‘em kind. Jihoon must’ve known that the moment he tumbled into bed with him.

Jihoon’s eyes are ablaze with rage. It’s such an attractive look on him that Seungcheol has to remind himself that Jihoon is officially off-limits.

“I’m upset that you think I owe you anything,” Jihoon spits. He’s only a hundred and sixty-four centimetres, but his anger makes him at least ten feet tall. “You think you can waltz in here, with your stupid mouth and your dumb-fuck pants and think I’ll just spill everything? Jeonghan hyung nearly died, and it was by his hand. I’m not letting him near us even if I was dying.”

Seungcheol knows he should be paying attention to the vitriol Jihoon is spitting in his direction, but all he can hear is the way Jihoon was – in a backhanded way – complimenting him. He licks his lips, smirking when he sees the way Jihoon’s eyes follow the motion.

“Come on, Jihoonie,” Seungcheol cajoles, placing a tentative hand on Jihoon’s arm. The mercenary glances at the hand sharply, missing the way Seungcheol steps in closer until they’re chest to chest. When Jihoon’s eyes meet his, Seungcheol allows a predatory grin to flit across his lips before leaning down to claim Jihoon’s hot mouth.

Maybe just this once, Seungcheol tells himself as Jihoon struggles for a brief moment, before he’s opening his mouth and licking into Seungcheol’s mouth.

Jeonghan can practically smell the sex wafting off Jihoon, even if he doesn’t see the dark hickeys peeking out over Jihoon’s collar. He tends to Baby, the venomous flytrap practically purring as Jeonghan prunes the weeds from its roots.

“Looks like someone had a good night,” Jeonghan comments with a wan smile. Jihoon’s hair is sticking up all funny, although he’s not walking funny. Must not have been that good of a fuck.

“Barely,” Jihoon grumbles, swatting away the grabby leaves of a nearby grapevine as he stumbles into the kitchen. “Fucking – asshole. He gave me second-degree burns.”

Jeonghan’s hands still. He takes a deep breathe, ignoring the way his inhale is extremely shaky. “I thought you said you’d never sleep with Seungcheol again?” He pats himself on the back for how level his voice is.

“It was the only way to shut him up,” Jihoon groans, sticking his head in the fridge. There’s a meaningful pause. “He’s looking for you, by the way.”

“Seungcheol?”

“No.” Another heavy pause. “Yes. But no. Jisoo.”

Baby rustles uncomfortably, spitting out acid at the mere mention of the name – a response that’s mostly Jeonghan’s. He takes a deep breath, steadying his heart and straightening his back. “Did you tell him where I am?”

Jihoon snorts, surfacing from the fridge with a carton of carrot juice. “Of course not. But… I figured I owed him this much, to tell you that he’s looking.”

Jeonghan frowns, squinting into the distance. “He just wants what he can’t have,” he mutters.

Jihoon leans against the door jamb, reaching up to stroke Baby’s vine that’s wriggling towards him. “You know,” he says in a gentle voice that’s completely out of character, “you say that, but you still keep all the things he left for you.”

He doesn’t ask how Jihoon knows – knowing the mercenary, he’s probably been snooping around. Jisoo likes to leave little presents from his heists, always somewhere Jeonghan can find. He still has the handful of diamonds Jisoo had left behind in a recent heist, a single Juliet rose resting over the gems. The rare rose sits by Jeonghan’s bedroom window sill, flourishing from Jeonghan’s magic and sunlight. There’s a middlemist red in the greenhouse, one of the world’s rarest and most beautiful flowers in the world – it had been pilfered from a greenhouse in England and delivered to a park Jeonghan had been looking after.

Jeonghan knows Jisoo is trying to buy back his affection. It’s the only way Jisoo knows how to apologise.

They’re all pretty things. But they feel meaningless.

“I care about the plants, not him,” Jeonghan says sharply, snipping a stray weed vehemently. “He can rot in hell for all I care.”

“You don’t mean that.”

Jihoon’s right. Even when he was dying in that desert, when he was staring at Jisoo’s tense and unforgiving back, his heart still beats for that damned criminal. When Jisoo had walked in with Seungcheol in tow, his heart still fluttered like a heroine in a goddamn romance novel. He could have crushed the light out of Jisoo so easily – an eye for an eye, broken bones for broken bones – but he hadn’t.

It hadn’t mattered that Jihoon had told him no.

It mattered that he couldn’t even if he wanted to.

Don’t get him wrong; he hates Jisoo. When he thinks of him, his blood boils. Rage beats unfettered in his chest and he prays there comes a time when Jisoo rots in jail.

But… deep down, he loves him too. He dreams of him, dreams of a life they might have had, if they were both normal. He yearns and he wants.

But he cannot forgive. He craves revenge.

That’s the only thing that’s stopping him.

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jascnbrody-archive · 5 years

Text

think i got it.

i post a lot abt smugly Knowing How J Works w/out like ever talking abt how i think j works. or even like.. what his fam is like bc i think thats like, important. esp w the themes of the game (u kno what vaas says.)

n theres probably parts of the game/j that i read like completely wrong and against what ubisoft wanted or planned. like i rly dnt think js parents are like Blown Out Fully Rich like i think. i think. js dads parents. are rich. country club rich. i dnt think his parents are. i think js dad had a really basic job as like, either a security dude or like, a coast guard. n his mom ran a restaurant w her mom. (who i for like. no reason think is cuban. im white. so its not like, to make him more relatable to me like i think its just i want j to kno spanish so i want him to have it in his genealogy. and like him being........... even slightly mixed honestly rly fucks w the whole. thing. (also rileyd get his curly hair from there. i think his hair honestly throws me thru a loop even tho curly haired white people arent like, weird or anything)) but yeah theyre like upper upper middle class but, like, not Rich rich.

ANYWAY........... i think his mom was a rly private and snarky person. she cares a lot abt her kids but like. she struggles w emotions n j got that from her. i think he does have like, depression mostly bc he cant figure out what hes doing and no one will like. be honest w him. and he literally cannot reflect inward and that causes like, stress for him. bc he’ll Feel Wrong but not be able to place why. bc he cant reflect. he cant blame himself. and he cant be open abt any feelings he does have bc he cant even really decipher them.

he is like, actively suicidal and harming himself but not in like any way that anyone he lives w watches for. drinking is just “his lifestyle” and him loving to go skydiving is just j being daring and not “i hope this parachute fails so i dont have to think abt a career”

like hes cheating on liza (Often.) to force Her the be the one to break up w him bc he doesnt like, want to confront or think on the fact that hes not happy and theres Ways To Solve That. hes not looking to get better hes looking to get worse bc hes already given up on like Doing Something.

ALSO he really doesnt feel guilt right. like he’ll Feel it but not Deeply. he mostly just feels guilty abt having to Fake Guilt. like hes aware of it. he knows how he should feel bc hes like... seen it on other people. and he can recognize when he does something Really Very Wrong n he’ll be like “😬😬😬😬 ooop” but then he’ll like. make a joke abt it. (his one liners................ like its part trauma part like, he honest 2 god doesnt think its serious.)

i think hes got to like.. face that after he beats riley bc thats like, the worst thing (to him) that hes done. n it Makes Him Feel Bad bc he like, went too far n he knos he went too far. like he didnt have to shove a thumb into rileys Gaping Wound like he did that bc he rly wanted to hurt riley bc ?? he ? just did ? its not like its something He Learned. no ones done that to Him. he doesnt mind hurting people. he was told to hurt riley. riley said he could hurt him. so j Hurt Him. like he just Did it.

n him (ykno. possibly.) killing his friends would never be to be with citra its like. its just bc he (wouldve) wanted to. hes given the chance to hurt someone and he has to convince himself Not to hurt them. hes Not like vaas. (it sounds like vaas but its not . that i cant explain . vaas is totally different in what he does. hes theatrical abt it but hes understanding of the impression and trauma hes faced bc of violence hes seen and been a part of. jason has been searching for a chance to be violent since he was born. vaas had no choice and like, j doesnt really either, but even if he did hed have chosen the path of violence. vaas wouldve loved something more quiet.)

i still think he mopes abt what hes done. for a time. like up until vaas comes back around and then j sees. what its really like to Have Thoughts abt what youve done. then he realizes he like, doesnt even really mean half of it. and Thats what was really getting to him. idk. j just doesnt kno much and he cant read into much and he cant comprehend what he does and why he does it. hes sort of blank. hes just a dude who wanted to do whatever he wanted.

and its not like he Doesnt feel bad. like his body count is huge. he nearly killed his friends. he beat the fuck out of his little brother. he feels bad about Things but not the entire thing. hes got things he’ll pick out as like “that was fucked up of me, woops :(” but overall hes like. going to choose to stay on the island. so he can up his body count (and brag about it probably. and any sort of Interesting Kill he did.). and be with vaas. which he feels 0 guilt over.

also i probably think of him as being too like. impervious. and quiet? like. he rly talks a decent bit. hes noisy. hes p loud. but i think of him as a rly quiet person?? like when i think of vaas n j talking i think honestly of vaas just monologuing and j only like. nodding and grunting in response. i think j just goes silent a lot unless he can like. make a joke. or on the rare occasion where he like Realizes smthn abt what vaas or someone else said. bc like he’ll Listen when he wants to (which with vaas (and vaas only. vaas’d get so much special treatment and he wouldnt even like, kno. bc he has nothing to compare it to until j starts telling vaas stories abt california n how he acted there (*)). is most times) and when theres like, no distractions, and he’ll think but most things he wont take to heart unless vaas words it Just Right so j can understand fully.

i guess thats like, a big comfort to me. j finds a place he can be happy. he finds someone he can be honest and blunt w. like vaas might expect j to be just as emotional as him but like........ him being so much like a brick wall wont like, change how vaas feels for him. j is still someone vaas is like, able to talk At. and get a response of any sort. itll Agitate him a lot like hes gonna say things he wants j to ruminate on esp when they like, first talk and j is just. like. not going to have much to say. its going to be Insulting to vaas but its smthn he has to like, learn to work around? j takes and listens to what vaas has to say once they get common ground under em but its just not in him to put words to feelings.

anyway also everything bouncing off j like its nothing is also like. smthn i wish i had.

#*also vaas has probably literally never been in a relationship. like not since he was like 15. hed literally not know how to flirt he wouldn #t even have petnames for j apart from Hermano even tho j calls vaas everything under the sun #posts #i wish there was like a way to likehamsdanhhave a read more under a read more like are you SURE you want to read ALL THIS SHIT? by ME?#u can uh take all this as u want #kno that vaas is also p important to me in how i Seek Comfort.#i w anna tag this in some way where i will like. not lose it.#jason brody LORE #there we go

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spacephant0m · 5 years

Text

cw for personal talk about religion/spirituality and trying to find myself. Srry for typos

I’m in my room on the verge of tears and switching between crying and having a blank stare, watching brendon’s livestream on my ipad while i type this. I’m trying to study witchcraft to some extent as I’ve never really read much of anything about it before. Specifically I was reading about christian witches. Now the thing is like, i grew up as a christian. And nowadays i still believe in God definitely, but i hate christian practices. I remember reading and studying world religions in college last year and absolutely loving it and being so sad because i never experienced such practices in my own faith that actually seemed..... like, fun, and super connective. Me bawling my eyes out at church camp and being “lost” was not exactly what i originally thought it was. I was just mentally ill and didnt know it. Deep down i always knew i had a connection with God that wasnt faltering over silly shit a kid does wrong. Kid sins. Whatever the fuck. As much as i fucken prayed and asked for forgiveness, i was fine. Christianity is always a race to be closer to God and its like.... how close can i get when im doing the same fucking exact practices over and over.... they never really taught us about meditation and becoming one with your surroundings and idk, letting your spirit free. They kind of talked about it sometimes.

But i just hate the entire setup of church. I miss the family aspect so much. Thats all i miss. I miss bible study but really i just miss the points where we talked about life. Thats usually what we did, we would have an entire lesson setup and it would become totally derailed by our conversations. And it was real and i had a sense of community that i cant get anywhere else. I havent been able to find it anywhere else. But i also miss my personal sense of spirituality. I love that word and i love that it has so many encapsulating meanings. I dont wanna be like a white man self acclaimed guru who’s like read this book it’ll help you change your life....... i feel like those guys really appropriate culture and commercialize it. Its kinda gross. I try not to associate myself with that idea but every time i think about meditating more and shit im like “ew im gonna be a gross white guy whos all at peace w himself and lives in the mountains and shit” AND IT MAKES ME MAD. I’m having a beer right now instead of a cup of tea. Probably a mistake. Tea helps me feel better but im filling my body w shit at the moment bc thats what happens when i get this sad.

Anyways i really hate the idea of practicing a religion. I made a post before asking for sort of an advice on this, like was it okay for me to like witchy things and not actually be one. I was told yes its totally okay. And im not disrespectful of anyone and i dont make fun of any religion. I just persoaally cannot see myself involved with having an actual religion. I dont even consider myself christian so how could i ever proclaim myself as a christian witch, idk.

I dont want to label myself at all. Maybe i dont need any of this. Maybe i just need to play dnd and live vicariously thru my character. Use that shit as therapy. I hear it helps a lot with mental health and social skills. That of which i am verily lacking. I’m just hurting and im pissed off. I dont know why exactly. I just want to do meditation and i wanna buy my crystals and start doing yoga again. This year i have been stretching more. Actually i started on the first of feb. i stretch every day and do vocal exercises to help my voice get more control and deepen it a bit (transmasc).

I am also just a bit overwhelmed at everything. I dont know where to start. All i know is i want to burn incense like i used to growing up bc it always made me happy. And that i only believe in like..... cleansing through these elements and a prayer to God. But i’ve always had faith issues because im so insecure, i never think God will actually help me because maybe i dont deserve it or maybe he just doesnt want to.

I’m also scared im gonna do something wrong or fuck something up. That something bad will happen or something because im dumb. I dont know if i could mix my own herbs that feel right to me, or if i should use a recipe. I feel stupid that i dont have as much faith in prayer as i wish i did, but i have faith that little rocks will help to cleanse negative energy and things like that.

I dont know why im crying, i guess because im so insecure? Or maybe life is just rly hard and i’m overthinking everything. I just feel kinda bad. Yet when my friends tell me theyre praying for me, i do have faith in that and it means the world to me.

I know none of this is a big deal to anyone, and maybe none of it should matter. But im like. Idk. Im very interested in plants and medicines of the earth and shit like i always have been ever since i was young i thought of myself as like. Awakened and shit LOL whatever that means @ 10 year old me. I dont want to feel like anything controls me or owns me, i want to feel like i am in control of my own life and that i could harness the energy around me to not only like bring me peace of mind but to help me through my journey of life.

But i guess my biggest issue is i have no fuckin clue where to start. I hate reading and all this research im trying to do to help myself figure out what i enjoy is just. Making me so fucken overwhelmed. I only read like. 1 blog post and 2 articles and im already losing it. I always grew up w the mindset that God will take care of everything but like. He already has. In my mind. Because he’s already given us all the tools we need. But folks just like. Wanna be lazy and wait for things to happen. Sometimes all u can do is wait but when it comes to like, being THE ONES IN CONTROL, “prayers for america” is dumb as fck.

Idk i dont know anything and its okay to not know right now but i want something more in my life but i want it to be like.... totally personal and i dont want it to be absolutely everything my life revolves around. I want it to just be something i do and that i love. I dont need a label for it. But idk. I just dont know what to do.

If anyone has any sort of advice or is dealing with anything like this i’d love to hear about it. My ask and msgs are open as well. I feel pretty alone right now. Im just patiently waiting for my paycheck tomorrow so i can buy these crystals i rly want. But who knows what it will take to satisfy my hungry soul.

Another problem i rly have honestly is just like. Spending a lot of money on a lot of hobbies. I feel shitty for having so many things i enjoy doing. I try to narrow it down. I havent started embroidery bc i dont wanna spend more money and i feel like i’ll never have enough time to practice. Im just. Mediocre at a lot of things instead of rly super good at one thing. I mean i think im pretty great at drawing but thats about it. But ive been doing that for 10 years so ofc im good at it NOW. But ffs. I wanna do so many things and its overwhelming. I work a minimum wage job and its. I dont have enough money for anything lol so most of my stuff is low-budge† which is fine i guess but. Idk. Im tired. Im sad.

I dont know how to be more spiritual i dont know where to start. And my mind is telling me to slap a label on it or its not anything of value. Which is bullshit. But y’know. Anxiety n shit.

#witchcraft #witch #spirituality #religion #christian witch #meditation #blurb #finding myself #spiritual advice #religious advice #tryin not to cry again #removing labels #self help #i guess #personal #dandan speaks #idk what tags to use

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stillwooozy · 3 years

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im so happy be back in my apt it makes me feel guilty cuz i like being there for my siblings but

even post heart attack and covid and almost-death my mom is MEAN to me. everything i fcking do is wrong, and if ONLY i listened to her.

im a fucking train wreck, but im trying, and im functional. Idk i’ve learned to be proud of myself

I left at like 5am to “beat traffic” but rly i just needed to leave

My 12 yr old brother said he “didnt really love AoT & isnt invested in s4” but he’s giving Death Note a try so you know what. stfu.

A few hrs after i got back my sister called crying about my mom just being difficult to her. And i have problems w/ my sister but also.... come on. mom jfc. pretend to have an emotional iq for a second. My sister has always had a good relationship w/ my mom up until now. But i guess menopausal moms and their 19 yr old daughters dont get a long.

I have good moments w/ my mom. when she came home we were both got high on trams and weed & my sister was sober but hanging w/ us. My brothers were entertaining themselves and my dad was gone (dad and mom cannot be in the same vicinity of eachother, they legally married, but jfc they even live apart. it is hell when they are together) and it was so fun. i was making jokes (that i kinda regret because it was tmi) about the men i’ve hooked up w/ in the apt next door, and telling her about the “straight dads” down her residential block that are “discrete” on grindr. She thought it was hilarious. My sister allowed me to swipe for her on tindr & talk to guys and let me say - straight men really do suck. there was like 1 that was attractive & seemed to have a good personality & didnt want sex asap. & i think my sister is very pretty so she matched w/ a good amount of people. ANYWAYS straight guys either have 0 idea how to converse and/or just want to fuck right away. I mean those are grindr-gays, but tindr-gays arent looking for that - and if they are it obvious so u just swipe left if not interested in a hookup. I guess there isnt a straight-grindr but there should be. Anyways my mom was telling me stories about shrooming in college and when she hiked the TMB & hitchhiked around europe for 2 yrs, met my dad but forgot about him, and then met him in the US 2 yrs later. It was interesting, and she wasnt judging me & we were actually laughing. Ik its the drugs and that is sad. Ik she is “mentally ill” in some manner too, but i can’t control her lack of self awareness, all i can control is myself. And that is hard when i come from a long line of schizos & bpd & even a probably-APD! some diagnosed, some u just loook at and go “yea they are batshit” i mean... i also come from a family is severly traumatized ppl, either losing everything in ww2 and/or the whole israeli conflict. like jfc i do feel bad. fleeing europe to israel cuz no one else will take u, and then fighting for ur safety & really no other choice, and then finally ur offspring move to america and canada. my paternal grandpa is literally the sole survivor in his family of ww2, i mean he remembers nothing, he was the youngest and shipped off to America to live w/ a branch of the family that came a while earlier cuz they were offered business or something idk.

Im rly on too many stims. And yet. I am posting in my ~diary~. i get to work tomorrow and im actually happy cuz i like the research. although im having like.. nothing. u think grads are paid horribly (they are)?? Undergrads have to be groveling at the feet of ppl to get any kind of paid internship. i mean i had experience before cuz i did unpaid research for 2 semesters in another lab. My hours, when im not impromtu fleeing cuz my mom may die, are more than 40+ a week. i mean i have enough to pay rent and thats about it :/ as long as im not in debt im gucci. i stockpile on-sale dog food and im fine living off beans and rice so were good for a while. I have crypto that is a backup but that is either used for drugs and as an “investment”.

like i cant rly get a traditional 9-5 retail job while working in this lab. while also having full-time classes. i was doing lab work 20 ish hrs a week (unpaid ofc), managing my friends band/booking shows/promotating & getting a fair chunk from that, walking a neighbors dog 3 times a week but honestly that took 20 mins of my day & was almost a free $45 dollars a week cuz a just walked her w/ my own dogs, + full time school and.... pre-covid, i was getting into the groove of college & while not making a bunch - i was comfortable for being a 20yr old scumbag? i mean i was working my ass off for my friend but i enjoyed it and was optimistic as hell. i didnt have to cut myself off fully from the song revenue but honestly that was unusual (to my knowledge) for an indie band at all, but i accepted it ofc until covid. my best friend spiraled and 2 of the bandmates lost their jobs and like. their passive income was tiny so why tf should i take from it? shows & selling merch at said shows (for us) made the most. online merch is eh & i wont take a cut until after covid. Plus they are on hiatus and any local “hype” that was beginning to build is long dead cuz they are probably long dead. not high enough to give a shout out to my 2.5 followers cuz my identity will not be exposed hehehehe. i mean if someone rly wanted to u could figure out thru all my info dumping of my personal life on here but eh, pls dont. this is my fancy lil diary where i spew aboslute nonsense & show off how fast i can type when i type before i finish any type of concise thought in my head

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trickstarbrave · 6 years

Photo

ppl are still rly mad abt this post, but i figure ill restate it in longer words to have it ‘make more sense’ cause you all cant think

my body is not “incorrect”. it has things wrong with it, but it is not wrong. because no matter WHAT i do with it it will stay the same body. i dont really like the mentality of “no matter what you do your body was a mistake, something that should have never happened, and you will be broken your whole life regardless of any hormones, surgery, treatment, medication, and devices to help you get around.

secondly this post is about oppression see, thats why i put the word ‘transphobia’ in there. and if i get on hormones, get every surgery possible, and look like a perfect passing cis man, i will never be that. it doesnt matter if i throw any feminine things i own in the garbage (let alone the fact cis men are being encouraged now to wear makeup and garbage but suddenly im the issue here), i will never be cis. nor will i be a binary person at all. and guess what? people will find out. people who look through my records will see it. my family will know about it and disown me for it. i could lose jobs over it, or housing, or as the current US administration wants it--i can be denied medical care under the basis of ‘religious freedom’. my body is not the issue with my oppression, society is the issue with my oppression.

same thing with disability, i have a genetic disorder. its often times incredibly painful, not to mention scary bc jfc i cant even get in for further testing to see if i have the type that makes it so your organs and arteries can spontaneously explode. i cant fucking walk properly. im not sitting here and telling you “uwu i dont need anything from medicine!!!!!!!!!” im sitting here telling you there is NOTHING to make this go away. i will never, in my life, be able to walk properly from here on out. a light walk without a cane is doable with limited pain. long distances are impossible without getting a horrific limp and gait. i need a wheelchair for anything intensive. these are issues with my body

however: it is not ‘my fault’ i cant get a wheelchair up places with no ramp. its not ‘my fault’ i cant fucking get on a bus properly at my university. its not ‘my fault’ people block the wheelchair accessible doors. its not my fault i have to choose between getting to class in pain or showing up everywhere 20-30 minutes late in my chair while being made to feel like a burden to everyone else around me. i deserve to participate in social situations as much as able bodied people can. this isnt ‘asking for special treatment’ because i am asking for the exact same shit other people already fucking get.

my body has things wrong with it but my body itself is not a mistake. i should be able to correct things and get around without hatred, discrimination, and shame, because until oppressive systems are dismantled, no matter how much i try to pass as cis and able bodied i will never actually be treated as equal to my cis and able bodied peers. it doesnt matter how much i focus on changing those things, i cannot bend reality. i will still need hormones, and surgery, and my cane and wheelchair, medication, and physical therapy (which is a bitch to get into rn). those things DONT SOLVE OPPRESSION! BUT I NEED THEM!

but sure w/e lie and say im saying “I DONT WANT HORMONES OR SURGERY AND I THINK MY BODY WHICH HAS ORGANS THAT CAN EXPLODE AT ANY MOMENT IS PERFECT AND EVERYONE SHOULD NEVER SEE A DOCTOR OR GET HELP EVER UWU” because thats so much easier to argue and talk down to than addressing the actual points of removing transphobia and ableism (and everything else actually) from society. because none of you care about doing that. you care about putting words in the mouth of someone disabled and trans. you care more about your own narrative of self loathing for pity from cisgender people, while acting tough and only ‘calling out transphobia’ by saying other trans people are cis (though i see none of you calling out your transphobic anti-sjw followers funny how that is)

(also im not taking ‘critical responses’ on this post that ignore my actual main points. if you say anything about ‘entitlement’ and ‘fake trans people’ and ‘your body IS broken tho!!! here is why you NEED to buy into my narrative of your life or youre lying!’ i will not respond seriously. either you take this seriously or dont bother responding at all)

#bold #caps lock #long post #truscum #transphobia #and thats a wrap on this #ableism

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queenmabscherzo · 7 years

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DVD commentary - Targeting, Ch. 26

this is the second part of the chapter. i didn’t want to do all the post-game interviews and stuff, i mean, that is what it is. but i really like talking about the boys :’) so for the anon who requested chapter 26, here’s most of it:

Winning is a hell of a drug. And the crash? That's apocalyptic.

It starts during the trip to the hotel, the mundane reality of a bus ride that reminds Steve—it's not Hollywood, here. (obv this is a reference to big sports movies, which would end with the championship or whatever, but also any time i can make an MCU reference and like tap on the 4th wall, that’s fun.)

It all feels so big when you're standing in the middle of the stadium, in the middle of 70,000 fans and 4000-watt LEDs (i looked up “stadium lights” btw, which is one of those dumbass things that you feel like you have to research and then reread it a year later and ur like “oh ok lmao”), but when you drive away, when you watch the horizon and the dark night sky swallow that stadium right up, it doesn't feel as big anymore. It already feels like two lines of text on the NCAA Wikipedia page. (the best moments always go by too fast, don’t they, Steve) (luckily he’s got more best moments yet to come)

And now that his mind is reeling back to the dirt and the desert, all Steve can think about is Bucky's glassy eyes. He wracks his brain, running through their conversation over and over so he won't forget: something about hurting Steve, something about forgetting phone numbers, checking on Sam Wilson, (bucky rly cared a lot about sam, ngl. Protective Bucky Barnes made it a personal goal not to let freshman phenom Sam Wilson get hurt IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER)

I love you.

Steve taps his foot incessantly through the drive to the hotel. (in retrospect i should have made a parallel between this bus and the high school bus hnng) The rest of the bus rocks with three different group chants and a tuneless rendition of "We Will Rock You" that the white boys must have started. (mannnnn i remember sports buses ……. I remember in middle school one of our fav bus songs was “stacy’s mom” …)

Steve texts Bucky a simple You okay?, but doesn't expect a response and doesn't get one.

When they finally reach the hotel, Steve's internal systems are going haywire. The euphoria of victory has nosedived, but he started so high in the atmosphere it's becoming hard to breath—the imbalance of oxygen—all the meters in the cockpit spin out of control—(speaking of mcu references) he just wants to know if Bucky is okay. He just wants Bucky to be okay.

So Steve's pretty much delirious when they enter the hotel, split into groups, and go their separate ways. He drifts onto an elevator with Sam and the Bradleys. When they reach their floor, Steve turns down the hall for his room on autopilot—then stops in his tracks.

There is a man in black leaning against his doorframe. The corridor is empty except for this dark motionless figure with a duffel bag strapped to his back. Steve is suddenly very conscious of his breathing.

(in early drafts of targeting, i sent bucky to the hospital at the end of the game. Not like in a Serious way, just in a precautionary way. he just hurt his head so they might as well get it checked out, right. in the early drafts, i had steve and his teammates visit bucky IN the hospital. i considered Rumlow being there, or pierce being there. I also considered Steve punching Rumlow for being gross. But yeah. Hospital. That lasted in the drafts for a long time, actually. It’s not a bad idea, but it’s logistically hard wrt getting him out of the hospital, and like, has more serious implications than necessary. I’m all about hurt/comfort but i didnt wanna beat bucky up too bad.)(and obviously the hotel room is ……. GREAT)

A voice sounds from behind Steve: "Did Eli lock himself out again?" (AGAIN!!!) (I wanna know that story lmfao)

Steve's friends all laugh. (steve does not laugh. He knows who it is already. nerd.)

"I'm right here!" Eli protests from the back of the group.

"That's not Eli," Steve whispers, pace accelerating—heart accelerating. He breaks away from his teammates and strides down the hall, like tripping, like falling, like pointing the nose of the plane straight toward the earth. Like plummeting forward and just barely catching himself with every step. (one time i had a coach describe “running” as “falling forward and catching yourself” and idk how i feel about that metaphor in practicality but it sure works right here lmao)

The dark figure looks up as Steve approaches, but doesn't move.

Steve wraps his arms around Bucky's waist and kisses him on the lips. (we all KNEW who it was right? It’s one of those surprises u know is gonna happen but you still can’t wait to see it)

Numbness starts to creep up his limbs—probably from the buckets of adrenaline careening through his bloodstream, a fire and flood (thank u @ vance joy) every fifteen minutes since the game started. But God, his heart is so big, right now, so loud and so real. If any heart could take it, it's Steve's.

What kind of kiss.

Steve has never kissed anyone like this. A direct line to all the empty spaces in his chest.

(this is the third time they’ve kissed, now. The first time being when bucky was freaking out in his hotel room a couple weeks ago, and pretended it didnt happen. The second time was in millenium park, aka steve’s christmas present to bucky lol. And of course, a lot happened between that kiss and this one. I’d like to think they both changed, as people, even.)

(have you ever been caught off guard by an incredible kiss when you were the one giving it???? Maybe that’s just me, because i’m so casual and careless at all times. But have you ever gone in for a kiss and Meant it, but still the other person doubles down and gangs up on you somehow? That’s this kiss. That’s this kiss for steve. Steve is like, “there’s nothing left to say, i just have to show him”; and bucky is like … still kind of thinking every kiss with steve could be his last. So he gives it all he’s got. I guess. Idk if i’m describing it v well but. What kind of kiss.)

All of Bucky is so strong: (OH YEAH that’s also rly important, i cannot stress how fucking Strong bucky is and how much i love him for it) (besides the fact that he’s been through so much and survived it all …. He’s still GOOD.) (STOP im gonna cry about bucky barnes for a bit) Steve can feel it under his lips and under his fingertips, the molten resilience warm and dormant under Bucky's skin. Steve presses harder and leans closer. He can't get close enough. His hands press into Bucky's spine, and he still can't get close enough. He opens his mouth and Bucky sighs and draws him in and he still can't get close enough.

One of his teammates whistles. Steve and Bucky don't let it stop them, this time. (oh don’t worry, i did not forget about the other boys, those poor poor babies. Isaiah is probably like :o and Eli is probably grinning and like smacking his brother on the arm until it bruises. Sam is prob the one who whistled.)

Steve's body systems are all rebooting. He can't feel anything that isn't in contact with Bucky—which is fine—that's perfect, he doesn't need anything else—

Then Bucky touches him, and Steve sucks in a sharp breath through his nose. (have you ever kissed someone and just forgot they had hands until they USE THEM??) (anyway) Bucky's hands come to rest on his face, leaving fingerprints on Steve's jaw, like lavender and cirrus clouds. His hands slide behind Steve's neck, and his fingers thread through his hair. He finds the dimple at the base of Steve's skull and whimpers.

Steve has no idea what his own hands are doing. (LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!) (they on bucky’s butt!!!!!!! I’m joking, they’re WHEREVER YOU WANT THEM TO BE.) He can't focus on more than one thing, and right now, that one thing is the feel of Bucky's bottom lip under his own.

He can't get close enough. He presses in for more contact, from knees to navel to sternum. He backs Bucky into the wall, and he can feel the jolt when his fingers are trapped between Bucky's jacket and the wallpaper. (a jolt!!! He prob was a little forceful …………… *eyes emoji*)

Bucky breaks the kiss and hisses and presses both hands to Steve's chest.

Horror washes over Steve. "What's wrong?!"

Bucky grimaces. "Sorry," he pants, eyes fixed on Steve's mouth.

"What—no, don't be—what's wrong?" He steps back, but keeps his hands on Bucky's waist in case he needs—anything. Support? What's wrong?

"Sorry. It's…" Bucky swallows. His eyes flicker. Steve can see the faint green of a lingering bruise near the bridge of his nose. "Dislocated shoulder." (in early drafts, this was a collapsed lung. In retrospect, that’s prob because it might have required the hospitalization. I think the shoulder injury is more … symmetrical, tho.)

Beat.

"You—you have a dislocated shoulder?"

"Wait, you what?" That would be Eli, stepping closer, eyes wide. (athletic trainer eli!)

"Well." Bucky looks down again. "It's relocated now." (thanks buck. Thank you for that elaboration.)

"When did it happen?" Steve asks.

"That—when me and Wilson went up for that deep pass. And landed on top of each other."

(“Bucky and Sam both go up for the ball; it twirls off their fingertips; they tangle in mid-air, and they both go down hard. Steve jogs toward them, heartstrings strumming dominant chords in his bloodstream.

Sam Wilson gets up first, moving stiffly, both hands on his lower back. When Steve offers him a hand, he waves it off even while he winces. Steve glances downfield. Bucky's teammates are helping him to his feet and stuffing his shoulder pad back into his uniform.”)

Steve wracks his brain. "On the last play?"

"No," Bucky says. His eyes dart between Steve and each of his teammates. "Before. We were winning. It was a go route."

It's all kind of a blur in Steve's memory: images of Sam Wilson in deep coverage, Bucky lining up as a safety, zone reads, go routes, post routes, slant routes. He can remember Sam tumbling down on the sidelines, and something occurs to him: "Was it the fight?"

"No," Bucky answers, and Sam speaks at the same time: (<3)

"No," Sam says, staring at Bucky, a nauseated expression curling his lip. (because that play was … A LONG time ago) "No, it was in the third quarter. Right after halftime," he clarifies, and everyone knows he is right.

Steve begins to feel a strange, localized ache in the hinge of his jaw. "You played the whole second half with a dislocated shoulder?"

Bucky shrugs. And then winces. (he’s sO CUTE. and dumb. BUT CUTE.)

"Holy shit," Isaiah breathes.

"I mean, we popped it back in, first," Bucky backtracks.

"Still," Eli hisses, then leaps into action. "No wonder it hurts—Steve Rogers and the kiss of death, over here." (tbh i thought of this joke before i even decided on an injury lmfao.)(i am not funny.)

Steve opens his mouth to protest, but Eli talks over him. "Come on, come inside, I have a couple ice packs in the freezer." (ELI IS SUCH A DAD™!!!!!) Eli fumbles with the key-card and shepherds Bucky into their room. Once they're inside, he relieves him of his duffel bag—working carefully around his left shoulder—and shoves it at Sam without looking, then guides Bucky onto the end of a bed. Once he is settled, Eli turns to rummage through their mini-fridge. "Steve, grab me one of our hand-towels, yeah?" he orders.

Steve does so. When he returns from the bathroom, he stops in his tracks. Bucky is perched on the edge of Steve's bed, a little wide-eyed, but calm. Eli hovers over him, inspecting Bucky's shoulder. Sam sneaks the duffel (i only included this fucking duffel bag so bucky could sneak his Secret Documents into Steve’s room lmfao)(and so Sam could make the “overnight bag” joke tbh.) next to the TV, then catches Steve's eye and shakes his head, clearly trying not to smile.

The entire tableau punches all the air out of Steve's lungs. (same) (obv i really wanted steve’s friends to accept bucky, and i’m nothing if not Dramatic. so. Here we are)

Steve eases onto the corner of the empty bed. Eli doesn't even acknowledge him, his focus trained on Bucky. "They check you out?" he asks as he prods the left side of Bucky's back with well-trained fingers.

Bucky nods. He gazes at Eli the way you might gaze at someone who speaks to you in a different language, but nevertheless does so very earnestly. (i mean it’s safe to say bucky NEVER expected a reaction like this, not only because his own coaches/staff aren’t this nice, but also bc like, these guys are his rivals, lmao) (and he also is prob thinking about what a dick he was to Steve a week ago)

Eli tugs at the collar of Bucky's windbreaker and asks if he can remove it. Bucky lets him help without speaking and without moving his left arm much. Once the jacket is gone, Eli has better access to Bucky's torso.

"Hospital?" Eli asks.

Bucky shakes his head. (LOL)

"Broken ribs, too?"

Bucky nods. (ok ok ok . i worked very hard not to let eli fall into a trope where he just existed to “take care of bucky”. Because i wanted him to rly be the character who cared about sports medicine and … about PEOPLE. So i established it earlier, with steve, with sam, with his major, with his brother, with his kids, everything. And he really knows what he’s DOING. he sat down with bucky for like a single minute, and could tell he had loose tissue and broken ribs around the relocated shoulder. And he’s made something of himself, here, of caring about people. He’s cared about his brother for years, when no one else cared, and now he’s gonna make a living taking care of hurt athletes. I also think it … kind of fits with comics!eli, who was such a sweet bean and just wanted to be a good superhero and live up to his grandpa. I rly rly rly absurdly love eli bradley, guys.) (also contrast him with steve, who wants to take care of people but has no idea what he’s doing; isaiah, who has a good heart but isn’t good at showing it; and sam, a good friend who’s a big goof.)

"Did they scan you?" Eli goes on, and doesn't wait for an answer. "There's loose tissue, I think. Can you lift your arm?"

"Not really," Bucky says, and proceeds to lift his arm (LMAO YOU ASS). He almost makes a ninety-degree angle.

"I mean, I haven't seen the scans or nothing," Eli says, and sounds genuinely sorry for it, "But I think there's some kind of tissue damage. Maybe not torn, but ... Can't believe they didn't take you to the hospital."

"We have doctors," Bucky says dumbly.

Eli dismisses that with a wave. "Did they give you anything?"

Bucky blinks.

Eli beckons for the towel, which Steve hands over. "Any drugs?" Eli clarifies.

Bucky huffs, a small sour sound that could be laughter. "You'll have to be more specific."

Steve, Sam, Isaiah, and Eli all stare at Bucky.

Steve thinks back to the NAC Championship Game. "Pump me with enough drugs, and even I can't tell I'm injured." It could mean so many things. Even at American State, players take shots to stave off the pain long enough for a football game. Sam Wilson comes to mind, and his small doses of painkillers and muscle relaxants to alleviate the back spasms. (if you’re into that kind of thing, meaning semi-unpleasant-medical-commentary, look up “toradol shots” and “football” and some articles are more biased than others but yeah, it’s sketchy either way.)

But Bucky sounds so angry. It's the tone of voice that draws Steve's imagination to dark places.

Eli is the first to recover. He holds up the ice pack, now wrapped in a towel. "I mean anti-inflammatories," Eli explains, "or something to knock you out overnight."

Bucky accepts the ice pack. He turns it over between his hands. He looks thoughtful. He picks at a stray thread on the towel. He doesn't speak.

Sensing the toxic discomfort in the room, Steve is about to step in when Isaiah clears his throat.

"So his arm's not gonna fall off or nothing?"

Eli blinks, then ducks his head. "I mean, he said it hurt," he says sheepishly.

"You ain't have to assault him and force him to strip," Isaiah points out. (isaiah is really a big sweetheart, he just doesn’t express himself well lol.)

"I don't mind," Bucky mumbles.

Sam interrupts, then. "So what do we call you?" (and sam is …… sam.)

Bucky and Steve both stare at him, mouths open.

"You know," Sam explains. "Do you go by … James? Or Barnes? Can I call you Bucky, or is that like a pet name? 'Property of Steve Rogers' or whatever?" Steve blushes. "Or do you prefer the Winter Soldier?"

"Anything but that."

"Bucky Bear?"

Bucky snorts. "Nice ring to it."

"But really," Sam says, smiling now. "I'm gonna hack into Steve's phone and steal your number so I can send you a ton of pictures of me with the trophy. (this is true, and definitely definitely happens.) (except the part where sam hacks into steves phone. He just gets buckys number. Hes not shy, pls.) So. What name do I save you under?"

"... Bucky's fine," he replies with a bemused half-smile.

Steve gazes at him. There is a perfect ache in his chest, like too much color bursting inside and not enough space.

"… out of it. Earth to Steve Rogers." (ISAIAH!!!!)

He snaps back to the present when he hears Isaiah speaking. "I'm—what?"

Sam cackles, which Steve thinks is pretty unfair, since it's his fault Bucky just knocked all the air out of Steve's lungs.

"Maybe we should go," Eli says gently.

"Hell yeah it's time to go," Sam says, rubbing his hands together. "We're going out, right?" He grins at Steve. (sam …… is too young to legally drink. I’m crying. i mean not that it’s hard for young people to get alcohol but he’s literally 19 and asking to go out. He’s so full of life and he’s so RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!)

Everyone in the room stares at him, shifting awkwardly.

"I don't think they're coming," Eli says.

Isaiah takes Sam by the elbow and steers him toward the door. "We can still go out."

"Wait." Sam plants his feet. "Steve, you …" (like sam’s not CLUELESS here, he just saw them make out for crying out loud. He’s just got so much energy and they just won a BIG GAME okay, it just takes him an extra second to process things. Which, i mean, is relatable.) He looks at Steve, then—looks at him—and seems to see something new; then he looks at Bucky, then Steve again, back and forth. "Oh."

"Sam—" Steve tries, but Sam interjects.

"Holy—okay, okay, I mean, he did bring an overnight bag and shit," Sam says, gesturing towards Bucky's duffel.

Bucky's face turns an impressive shade of crimson. "What." (he most certainly did not. Well, staying-overnight wasn’t the primary function of the duffel bag. He was maybe hopeful. maybe.)

"Sam—"

"I think you just took their relationship to the next level," Eli cuts in with a sly look.

Sam, on the other hand, has gone from mortified to elated in the span of about four seconds. "What's in the bag, Soldier?"

Bucky levels him with a scowl to match the nickname. "Toothbrush and a box of condoms." (LIIIIIES. There’s only like 3 condoms. And they’ve been in there for months. but still.)

Beat.

Sam is the first to laugh; Steve joins in, but it's weak because he's reeling with embarrassment. And distantly, definitely turned on.

"Right. We're leaving," Isaiah says pointedly. (poor frikin isaiah puts up with SO MUCH!!!!! His roommates are so ridiculous and horny and he never asked for this except he totally moved in with them and knew full well what he was getting into and is maybe into it, but anyway, anyway.) (housewarming didn’t come out of the blue that’s all i’m saYINg.) (isaiah’s BLUSHING.) Sam Wilson is laughing too hard to protest.

After a small commotion ("There's Advil in my bag!" Eli says, just as Sam calls, "Always use protection!"), and the hotel door latches with a heavy bang. Steve can still hear his teammates in the hallway, but they are muffled and unintelligible, and they fade away fast, leaving Steve alone with Bucky.

Neither of them speaks right away. Bucky is still sitting quietly on the end of Steve's bed, staring, unfocused, into the middle distance. Steve takes the opportunity to look at him. Properly, and all, without sticking his tongue down his throat or bashing his injured shoulder into a wall.

(fun fact: the following transition is a fucking bitch. I don’t think it’s great but i’m an awkward loser, so i was like ok, how do i get them to say i love you and fuck already? Like in a Realistic Fashion. Realistic for dumb jocks.) (rolls eyes forever)

Bucky is in black sweatpants and black Nikes with red soles. The back of his white T-shirt has a list of dates—probably a catalogue of Southeast State National Championships—while the front bears the Southeast logo: a red elk skull with wicked hooked antlers. (check out the “targeting art” tag, a couple people have drawn this and i love them for it) (what else would make a “tundra” logo”...? idk) His face looks better than it did a week ago. Just a little swollen. Steve probably wouldn't even notice if he didn't know to look. There's a string of bruises on Bucky's arm and his knuckles are tore up and there's still dirt clinging to his nails, but all that's just standard football wear-and-tear. He's got a couple days' worth of stubble, and there's a little crescent patch on his jaw where nothing grows; a small white scar from God knows where, God knows when. His lips are parted. Steve wants to kiss him again. But between the corridor and now, this moment with silence and an ice pack wrapped in a crisp white towel, it doesn't seem so easy, anymore.

"You doing okay?" Steve asks.

Bucky's eyes snap back to life and he looks at Steve. (bucky is so spacy lmao awww) (honestly bucky is a lot like me. I think of all the characters in this story, he’s the most like me.) "Yeah." Just yeah.

"You want to use that ice pack, or stick it back in the freezer?"

Bucky looks down at the bundle in his lap, like he forgot it was there. His chest rises and falls.

"Here," Steve says, and stands up slowly so he can slide onto the bed next to Bucky's bad shoulder. He gently takes the ice pack and folds it against his arm, the outside of the ball-and-socket joint, right along the seam of his sleeve. "Good?"

"I dunno," Bucky croaks. "You don't have to—I should probably go." (like seriously, second guessing wild, impulsive decisions? Assuming people don’t care as much as you care? That’s just relatable, man.)

A knot twists in Steve's stomach. He presses into the ice pack a little harder—not too hard—just enough to feel present.

"Why did you come, anyway?" Steve asks.

Bucky's eyes track to his duffel bag, (he came because he wanted to bring steve those documents that incriminate Pierce. He came because he wanted someone to validate him. To validate how bad he felt. To validate the abuse he’s gone through. To tell him he’s not imagining things. He came because he likes steve and he misses him. He came because his sex drive is wild. He came because if he stayed in his hotel room, he would lose his mind.) then back to Steve. "I wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what?"

Bucky squeezes his eyes shut. "I'm sorry I hit you," he mumbles. (and he came to say that, too. he’s been feeling bad about that for a long time.)

Oh.

How ridiculous, Steve thinks. What a small, silly thing, now. He's sitting here with an ice pack to Bucky's mangled shoulder, counting the bruises up Bucky's arms and his face, and that's just the ones Steve can see. He's sitting here in good health and a golden haze of victory, and Bucky is apologizing to him. How absurd. "Oh—Buck, don't worry about that."

"No, look, I'm obviously … messed up and all," Bucky launches into a stammering speech. "I'm sorry I hit you, and yelled at you, and … kissed you. (sorry about the mixed messages, to be specific) I guess. I'm—I just—I want you to know I didn't mean all those shitty things I said. And the game today, I didn't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm fine," Steve assures him. "I promise."

"Right." Bucky cracks his knuckles. He doesn't look convinced. "Anyway. I've been fucking with you for weeks now, (by “fucking with you” he means stringing steve along and then pushing him away. Toying with him. Which is how it looks, from certain points of view. It’s not how steve felt, but it certainly could be read that way.) so it's cool if you don't believe a word I say." (bucky was 100% lying in chapter 23 when he told steve “I was messing with your head” [with regards to kissing steve]. At the time, he was in a really dark, messed up place, and he was really angry with steve, and thought they would both be better off apart. They couldn’t mess each other up anymore if they were apart.)

Steve gapes at him. "Buck … You were mad. You had a right to be mad." (for the record, i PERSONALLY don’t condone bucky punching steve. But steve is more forgiving than i am, and more deeply [and unhealthily] attached to bucky)

The look in Bucky's eyes is so specific. Such a localized pain. From a distance he seems hard, and strong, towering marble, but if you look from the right angle you can see the anguish buried in the rock. The fear and sorrow in David's eyes, despite the calm repose of his limbs. (as in michelangelo’s david. I kind of get michelangelo vibes whenever i watch TWS, the scene with bucky in the bank vault.) (but i knew him.) (from the right angle, David looks very scared. And it’s the same with bucky, i feel.)

"I'm real fucked up, Steve." He sighs quietly. "I should go."

Bucky lowers his shoulder to wriggle out from under the ice pack. Steve lets it fall to the bed—instead, he grabs Bucky's knee.

"Don't go."

"I shouldn't have come. Steve ... I don't want to keep hurting you."

Steve has never been able to deny Bucky anything, but this—he read this wrong, before. (when he just let bucky go after hitting Steve) Bucky begged Steve to leave him alone, and Steve has let him go too many times. He'd thought he'd been doing what was best for Bucky. All this time, Bucky thought he was doing what was best for Steve. (isn’t that kind of the point. Of the story. Of them.)

"You won't hurt me," Steve promises. "You haven't hurt me. None of that was your fault."

"I hit you."

"You think I can't take one lousy punch?"

Bucky snorts; he doesn't smile, not quite, but he looks amused, and Steve counts it as a win. "Wasn't lousy. (BUCKY IS BIG) I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for. You were hurting too." He pauses there, feeling sober again, and he braces himself. "Bucky, can I ask you something?"

"What."

"Who gave you the black eye?"

He scoffs. "You were on the field. You saw. Wasn't it Creed's elbow?"

"Bucky," Steve scolds him gently. "I mean last week."

He ducks his head and doesn't answer.

"At my house," Steve prods. "Bucky?"

"It's not a big deal."

"Was it Rumlow?"

Bucky laughs, low and bitter.

"It was, wasn't it?" (steve has probably been thinking this ever since he saw it, considering he also overheard rumlow being an ass in bucky’s hotel room a few weeks ago)

"No. It … wasn't Rumlow."

Steve's not sure he believes him, (did you guys believe him?) but doesn't press the issue. He owes Bucky a little privacy. Just asking is what matters, for now.

Bucky looks up at him through long, long lashes; the same way he has always looked at Steve, (LIKE ON THEIR BUS IN HIGH SCHOOL) a bright blue, the hottest part of a flame.

"Quite a pair, aren't we?" Steve says through a watery smile.

"What's that mean."

(means we’re both selfless shits and we both know it. means no matter how bad we’re hurt, we both still want to take care of other people first.)

"Means I'm here for you, Buck," he says, soft and insistent. "I'm not going anywhere."

Bucky shakes his head. There might be a smile leaking through his granite mask.

Now or never.

"About what you said," Steve says carefully. He squeezes Bucky's knee and rubs small circles into his thigh. "You know, after the game?"

Bucky cringes. "Oh, god. I'm sorry about that too." (NOOOOOO--)

"Don't be sorry," Steve whispers—begs, even. Please don't be sorry. Not for that.

"I shouldn't have said anything," Bucky says. The muscle of his thigh twitches under Steve's grip. "I was caught up in the moment, you know, and it just came out, and it was totally wrong-place-wrong-time, I'm sorry."

"Did you mean it?" Steve breathes, almost inaudible, because he can feel the cracks under the surface.

Bucky covers his face with both hands. "It's—yeah, Steve, yeah I meant it. I just … shouldn't." (FUCK SPORTS AND TOXIC MASCULINITY AND HOMOPHOBIA AND FUCK IT ALL and give bucky a hug 2kforever.)

"Oh, Bucky."

When he looks at Steve again, his eyes are red. "You don't have to say it back."

"Are you kidding me?"

Bucky blinks. "Um."

"Listen to me, Buck." Steve sinks to his knees between Bucky's feet and looks up at him. It's dizzying. It makes his head ache just to think of it: all the years, all the football games, all the doodles passed back and forth in class, all the times Bucky treated Steve's injuries with ice and stupid jokes. He reaches up to take Bucky's face in both hands. "Listen to me," Steve says again. "For as long as I can remember, every single day of my life, you were the most important thing in it. The best thing. Bucky, I was in love with you before I even knew what that meant."

"Steve—"

"And then you were gone. Just gone, and I felt so … much. There was so much, and I didn't know where to put it all." Bucky is crying openly, now, his nose red and his eyes shining. "God, I don't want to feel that way ever again," Steve whispers. "So yeah, I do have to say it back." He smooths the tears from Bucky's cheeks. "I love you," he says. He says it out loud for the first time in his life as he looks into Bucky's eyes, the eyes he has known and for years, for decades, for centuries upon centuries. "I love you, Bucky."

(i practiced that love confession during my Long Commute for months before i ever published it.) (such a balancing act, making it sound like something a person would say, and also make it very very meaningful. And like ….. Adequate for these 2.)

Bucky's lips blossom for him, parting like the gentle pink petals of morning. At first, all that escapes is a sob. He blinks, hard, and tries again:

"You're a punk." (bucky’s response was not a balancing act and did not take nearly as much effort, it’s the most in-character thing i’ve ever written lmfao)

Steve grins. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You are such a punk."

There is water gathering in the creases of Steve's palms. "Is this okay?" he asks, wiping away more tears.

"This is the worst." Bucky sucks in a breath, and then grabs both of Steve's wrists and squeezes. "Yeah it's okay."

"Okay," Steve says. He feels his own throat growing hot. They're both going to end up crying, probably. He gazes at Bucky's lips, the chapped creases and the swollen spot where he always bites down on it. Steve smiles. "I'm kind of afraid to kiss you again."

"Afraid."

"Well, yeah, Buck, it always seems to go wrong. (I MEAN HE’S GOT A POINT!) I try to break your arm, or you end up puking everywhere—" (a stranger whistles at us in millenium park--)

"Shut the fuck up," Bucky demands, and pulls Steve in for a kiss.

It is stiff at first—more overwhelmed than anything—their noses and their lips crushed together because they need it so bad. Because if they didn't kiss right now they would probably both erupt into color and flame and leave a crater behind in the Arizona desert. After a moment of desperate contact, after the reassurance that this is real, this whole night has been real, Steve relaxes. He strokes Bucky's jaw and parts his lips. (i wrote this sex scene between a dress rehearsal and a concert. A pretty major gig actually with a big symphony in a decent-sized city. I don’t LIVE in that city, so i had nothing to do between the rehearsal and the show, so i sat in a philly cheesesteak bar and wrote smut.) (i was also very anxious about the gig at the time.)

Bucky's hands are restless. They flutter like sparrows from Steve's wrists to his face and his elbows and finally, the fabric of his shirt, where they cling tight and pull him closer. He drifts back, stretches onto the mattress and pulls Steve on top of him. Not that it takes much coaxing. Steve goes hungry and willing. He wraps an arm around Bucky's waist and helps him shift farther onto the bed. Steve nudges a knee between Bucky's thighs, and that doesn't take much, either; Bucky's legs spread easily, (*eyes emoji*) and draw Steve in, and how absurd is this, now. It's phenomenal, the goosebumps that break out at the base of his spine and sweep straight to his skull.

Bucky kisses like an ocean. Writhing and fluid and breathless, pulse as natural and magnetic as the tide. He wraps Steve in white foam and surges against him. (this metaphor, for example, gives me vivid deja vu for that restaurant where i wrote it.)

Steve's left arm is trapped between Bucky and the mattress. With his right, he gropes for Bucky's hand and tangles their fingers together. Bucky's heel hooks behind his knee and he smiles, but doesn't break the kiss.

Steve grinds against Bucky's hip bone. That earns him a delicious groan.

Bucky gasps softly as he breaks the kiss. "I should probably be careful, you know," he whispers.

"You—? Oh," Steve says, scrambling up onto his elbows. "Sorry! Are you okay? Does this hurt?"

"No, not really," Bucky says, adjusting his left arm. (a resounding “yes” if i ever heard one) (he’s fine tho, he’s fine. just. you know.)

Steve can't imagine—just—at all. He just can't imagine. He can't picture hurting until it doesn't matter anymore. He wants to fix it so much. He wants to take away all of Bucky's hurt. "Is—? We can take it slow, if you want. I'm sorry. Is this—"

"Steve." Bucky spreads his fingers through Steve's hair and smiles. "I said careful, not abstinent." (if you could not tell after reading targeting, i really wanted to attack the stereotype where bucky is a wilting flower who needs to be coddled by Everyone. including but not limited to their Bedroom Activities)

He leans up to plant a soft kiss on Steve's chin.

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

"I'm not trying to pressure you though," Steve shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts. (but also, i mean, steve is very very very sweet and i love that about him. It’s not offensive. it’s seriously fucking sweet.) "We can stop if you want."

"Steve Rogers, so help me, if you fucking stop now, you'll—I'll—I will … I'll do something. I can't think. But I'll do something. And you won't like it." (tbh i couldn’t think of something clever to say, and you know what? that seemed like the most accurate depiction of bucky’s state of mind)

Steve couldn't argue if he wanted. "Oh yeah?"

"Fuck."

"You don't want me to stop?"

"I don't want you to stop."

(at this point, i was picturing like, bucky hasn’t actually Had Sex in awhile. Like a year, even. he’s probably made out with someone in the dark corner of a bar or maybe fooled around in a bathroom at a frat party. which, getting a half-assed hand job 2-3 times a year is nice but it’s not exactly intimate. actually, it’s not even nice. anyway. bucky might be .. even more sensitive than usual. Especially since it’s….. steve.)

Steve leans in for a kiss again, a rich slide of lips against teeth. He tugs gently at the hem of Bucky's shirt and drags his fingernails across the ridges of his stomach.

The noise Bucky makes is sunset and surf and sin. Steve kisses that sound. He slides his left hand out from under Bucky's back and into the front of his pants. (STEEEEEEVE!!!!!!! GET IT STEVE!) That's a good reaction, too: Bucky's hips jump, as if jolted by an electric current.

Steve wants to know every single one of Bucky's reactions, wants to learn every perfect way to make Bucky squirm. He fumbles with Bucky's waistband, and that is fingernails against Steve's scalp; he wraps a hand around Bucky's dick, and that is a hiss of air through teeth; he strokes once, up and down, and that is a low whine in Bucky's throat. He tightens his hold, and that is Bucky's hand slipping into Steve's pants, grasping him and caressing him in return, which—damn, you know. (YEAH DAMN!!!)

Steve trails kisses along Bucky's jaw until he finds the soft spot under his ear. Bucky's pulse speeds up, his breath speeds up, and his hand speeds up.

"Oh, God, Bucky," Steve groans.

That's all it takes. Bucky arches his back, spilling over Steve's fist, gasping for air. (bucky came SO fast in this scene lmfao i’m dyin. I still am not sure if it’s like …. TOO fast. Like unrealistically fast. Or … unkind of me. But i just. he hasn’t done this in awhile, he’s with STEVE, steve just confessed his LOVE, all the game day adrenaline--yeah i mean, at the end of the day? same, bucky. same.)

As Bucky spirals back to earth, his grip on Steve's cock tightens and his pace quickens. Steve grinds down into his hand, desperate and fevered, and it doesn't take long for him to come, too. (i mean i guess it’s been a few months for steve too……...lmao ….)

And that—God Almighty—that doesn't feel like a small thing. That feels like a great deal more than two lines of text on a Wikipedia page. (SWEETHEARTS!!!!) (they’re so corny. STEVE is so corny.)

Steve tries to catch his breath, panting hard against the hollow of Bucky's shoulder, leaving a warm, damp patch in the fabric of his shirt. Bucky twitches under him. Static currents and shallow breath. The dappled violets and whites and yellows of the sea at sunset.

Steve is careful not to crush Bucky underneath him. Even in the dense fog of sex and happiness, he is so, so conscious of Bucky's hurts. If anything, Bucky is more delicate, this way; supine and pale and fragile under the tips of Steve's fingers.

Steve traces the lines of Bucky's abs—Jesus—he would count them if he could see straight. He wipes his hand on Bucky's hip bone and asks, "You want to clean up, or anything? You're welcome to use the bathroom."

"You hinting?"

"Am I—? No, it—I just—"

Bucky is grinning, though. (if you know me at all, you know i can’t write a whole sex scene of like, ocean tides and starlight and fragile hearts or whatever. There’s gonna be a joke about a condom or like, the realistically gross follow-up. I AM WHO I AM.) His stomach shakes with laughter, and Steve gapes at him—miles of smooth skin, threads of cum shining on his stomach. It's terrific and terrifying and it's obscene. (terrific AND terrifying!!! Steve, sweetheart!!!) Steve can't even think in words.

Bucky pokes him, hard, right near the collarbone. "You want me to clean up?"

"… I don't ever want you to leave this bed again," Steve breathes. (STEVE, on the other hand, is a much bigger sap than me.)

Bucky just laughs some more.

"What are you giggling at?"

"I ain't giggling." (oh texas boy)

"Oh yeah?"

"I don't giggle."

"What do you call it?" Steve says, running a fingertip from Bucky's sternum to his bellybutton, a slow, subtle trail.

Bucky covers his eyes so all Steve can see is his smile and the way his throat bobs when he swallows.

He can't get enough. He drinks Bucky in like a drug, every detail, every little meaningless deed. The way one side of his smile is higher than the other; the fine hair on his arms; the mess on his stomach, drying and tacky and glistening in the lines that define his abs; the way his knee sways back and forth; the T-shirt bunched up under his armpits.

"I don't giggle," Bucky repeats. Then he uncovers one eye to look at Steve. The tip of his tongue peeks between his teeth. Steve wants to kiss it. He wants to kiss it all.

"Okay," he whispers. "You don't giggle." He kisses Bucky's elbow, which is the nearest thing within reach.

It must tickle, because a noise escapes Bucky's lips. A noise that is absolutely a giggle. (i don’t think he’s laughing because he’s ticklish, at least not 100%. ;) ) "Shut up," he says before Steve can even open his mouth.

"Not a word."

#dvd commentary #targeting stuff #anon #my fic #pay no attention to the writer behind the curtain

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